Actually... It worked out better September 2021
Dedication This mini-memoir is dedicated to my mother.
PiecesLittlePerfect
I arrived in Mexico the next day and, three weeks later, my mother died. As if it happened in slow motion, I literally watched her slip away from me. Undeterred by her condition and despite her labored speech, she focused on me. I answered her questions as best I could, trying to reassure her that I was ok. She was my friend and my con dant.
Truly heart-broken, my family and I tended to the arrangements for her funeral. During this time, I came to know many people I had not met before who had stories about how my mother had impacted their lives in a positive way. As days passed, I tried to work through the intense sadness and tried to make sense of my life without her. Two weeks after her burial, life delt me a second crushing blow: the death of my Ifather.went through the motions of burying my father, while still mourning my mother.
In 2012, my life was going well, all things considered. I had a successful career working in a eld I enjoyed. I was traveling the world, meeting new people, and learning new skills. I envisioned a bright future for myself. Everything seemed to be going well and I had every reason to believe that it would continue to do Inso. May,
I received a call from my sisters who told me that my mother was sick and her prognosis was not good. My mother needed me and I needed to be with her. Fortunately, my employer agreed to allow me to work remotely with the understanding that I had little certainty about what the days ahead would bring.
I didn’t fall. I wasn’t injured playing sports. I wasn’t in an accident. The condition simply emerged. And when the condition started, everything else in my life stopped.
2Actually Losing a parent means losing a sense of safety, security. It means losing the certainty of unconditional love. Losing both parents in such rapid succession is confusing and overwhelms the heart. There was pain in my heart, confusion in my mind, exhaustion in my body, and longing in my spirit.
Depressed, in extreme physical pain, lonely, frustrated,unemployed,isolated,scaredandallIcoulddo was lay on my bed as life continued to pass by me. Day after day, month after month, it seemed I could nd no relief for my pain and no remedy for my condition. Eventually, my savings started to run out and my mind lled with worry. I was drowning in debt.
She was my friend and Understanding Loss my confidant.
A Matter Perspectiveof
Only three weeks after my father’s death, I received a surprising call from my managers. They told me that despite having some of the best results during my time with the company, they liked seeing a warm body in the o ce. When I tried to explain that I needed to remain in Mexico to resolve family a airs, I was met with a chilling silence. They said they needed to literally see me working at the o ce to make sure I was working my eight hours despite the results. No negotiation. I lost my job. The loss of both my parents left me feeling sad, lonely and disoriented. The loss of my job had left me shocked, angry and confused. Yet I knew I had to move past these feelings somehow. I needed to present a positive face to the world if I wanted to interview well and land a new role. That never happened. In the midst of researching prospective positions, a new round of loss swept through my life. I lost my ability to move. Without warning, I found myself unexpectedly debilitated by a herniated disk that was pinching the nerves in my lower back. To this day, I do not know what provoked this injury.
I had lost meaningful contact with friends and my professional network had evaporated. I had hit rock bottom and was overwhelmed by the depth of my loss and the enormity of the e ort that would be needed to start over. Even though I couldn’t imagine it being any worse than it had gotten, fear and anxiety prevented me from seeing a clear path forward. I started to believe that my di culties would never end. Time marched on and I remained in the same place, lying on my bed, watching TV. Life presents everyone;circumstancesdifficulttokeepyourperspective.
One day, I saw a news story about the dire situation a ecting Syrian refugees. I watched in disbelief as they showed the squalid conditions. I watched as hundreds of thousands of people, stripped of their humanity, were forced to lived in tents. They endured untreated illnesses, and survived on minimal food rations. The journalist told stories of mothers who had lost their husbands and children who had lost both parents as bullets echoed in the distance. My eyes were glued to the screen and my mouth hung open; there was a group of children sitting in a circle in makeshift classroom. They were trying to learn. At this moment, it was as if time had stood still and everything in my life changed. I realized enormity of the challenge before them and I concluded my situation was not as bad as theirs. My sadness was great, but I still had knowledge, skills and abilities. My physical pain kept me from moving freely, but I had access to doctors and medicine. My nancial resources were limited, but I lived in a place where nding employment was possible. I decided, right then and there, that I was going to reclaim my life and start to betting on myself and my abilities. “If displaced refugees can deal with their circumstances”, I thought to myself, “I candealwithmine”.
5
The Struggle Within Takethegooddaysalongwiththebad.
Over time emotional pain of losing my parents began to subside and I was able to focus my thoughts and attention on looking for a new job. At times, I felt optimistic and encouraged. There was a sense of forward movement that came from sending out resumes and talking about potential opportunities. Occasionally,jobmoments of doubt and worry crept in. I found myself longing to cry out and express my fear and frustration to the world. Worrying that my voice would rise to heaven and disturb my mother’s peace, I remained silent. Some days were better than others. I found comfort in the fact that the only plausible direction for my life to go was up.
Control What You Can
The traumatic events I experienced – losing my parents, losing my job and losing my health - were all events that were outside of my control. I felt vulnerable, powerless and helpless. I had no way of curing my parents’ illnesses. I had no reason to anticipate their early deaths. I never expected my employer would let me go, especially since I was excelling in the position. I had no explanation for my back pain. I also needed to regain con dence in myself. I needed to believe I could do it. The downward spiral of the preceding nine months had caused me to lose faith in my own abilities. I had no idea how to begin. I didn’t know what to do. I did a quick inventory: I had a home, food, education, experience, an outgoing personality, friends and family. “Ok,”, I thought. “You are not starting from zero; you just had a very high mountain to climb”.
Stopthinkingaboutwhatyoucan’tcontrol-focusonwhatyoucan.
Sometimes you have to confront multiple challenges at the same time.
There are gauranteesnoinlife.
The series of traumatic events that impacted my life in 2012 and 2013 pierced a hole in my soul. I realized that I was not the same person anymore. My soul had been altered; the pain created an enormous void inside me. The safety, security, and certainty I once had about life had been removed. In their place, nothing remained.
Unfortunately, I could nd no relief from the excruciating pain caused by the pinched nerves. The sudden bolts of pain that rushed through my body, followed by the intense throbbing, and unrelenting headaches were beyond debilitating. Sometimes, I thought the pain would kill me. The continuous and intense nature of the pain exceeded my tolerance threshold. This, in turn, a ected the chemicals in my brain, which exacerbated my depression to clinical levels. Both my mind and body demanded some relief. Eventually, doctors prescribed a pain killer which ameliorated the pain. But this started me on a never-ending cycle of physical ups and downs that were far less predictable than uctuating results of my job search. To varying degrees on di erent days, I was able to leave home, attend interviews, and meet up with friends and former colleagues. I realized that only part of me was showing up for these encounters. There was a hidden part, still very much in psychological and physical pain, that was always present with me. On the outside, I looked like everything was ne. No one could see the turmoil and discomfort that was hidden behind my smile. There was still work I needed to do. Lesson: It’s ok to not be ok. This changed how I interacted with the world. My emotional and physical pain allowed me to better understand the human experience. It has helped me be intentional about de ning my hopes and dreams. It forced me to make conscious choices that re ect what is important to me. It made me answer questions about where I wanted to go and how I wanted to get there. Life takes many twists and turns. There are events we never see coming. There are many things we take for granted. We all have assumptions and false assurances about how our life will be. The hole in my soul helped me see that the moment that matters most is the one I’m living.
I am fortunate to have friends and family who never gave up on me. I was comforted by the kind words they shared and their helping hands. I remember feeling disappointed that many whom I thought would be there for me were nowhere to be found. That disappointment was soon replaced with a sense of gratitude for the unexpected support provided by strangers. During those nine months, there were people who, without having known me before, helped me. Their little acts of kindness made a huge di erence in my life.
Sometimes we think we are losing something when, in fact, we are something. gaining
Losing some of my physical capacity also created a positive change in my life. It showed me the dangers of relying on only external, observable traits. My body was also a contradiction in terms. I am taller than most of my peers, standing 6’2” with athletic build. I appeared strong but felt broken. I looked capable but felt incapacitated. I seemed calm and con dent but su ered internally. Despite the strength projected by my outward appearance, inside I was weak and su ering tremendous pain. Our eyes cannot perceive the totality of the human experience. Those who appear strong may be su ering. Those who appear happy may be sad. Those who appear to have everything may have lost what was most important to them.
|| Kindness Of Strangers
Things are not asseem.they
6
You don’t have to know someone to help them.
Actually A the time, I could not fathom the possibility that losing my job was a positive change in my life. I could not see that the role I was in had left me feeling underappreciated and unsatis ed. I was working with clients with whom I didn’t identify. I was crafting messages around issues that were not important to me. I was doing my job well, but I was not happy with my work. Had I never been red, I probably would not have looked for a di erent job. Being red was freeing; I now had a choice about what work I wanted to do, where I wanted to do it and who I wanted to do it for.
One day I went to 7-11 for a soda. It was only when I was at the register that I realized I did not have my wallet. I stalled for a moment, unsure if my back would tolerate a trip home and return trip to the store. I was taken aback when woman next to me o ered to pay for my drink. I felt a mix of emotions; I did not want to accept a handout but her generosity would have made my day a lot easier. With mixed feelings, I accepted her kind gesture.This woman had no idea I was in pain yet it seems she was able to sense something about my situation. Out of the goodness of her heart, she o ered to help me.
7ACTUALLY
No one wants to be sick. Non one chose to be destitute. No one sets the goal of becoming unemployed. No one wants to lose their loved ones. No one wants to go without the necessities of food, shelter and safety. No one wants to be alone. No one wants to be depressed or su er from anxiety. No one wants to have an addiction. Yet, all these things happen to people. There is no rhyme or reason behind which challenging event befalls a human life. Life is lled with adversity. Adversity happens to all of us, in one way or another. It does not matter how prepared you were or what kind of family you came from.
presentedgoingFromthatmomentforward,IdecidedthatIwastotakeadvantageofeveryopportunitylifeformetobethereforsomeoneelse.IwasalsogoingtomakesureIwasopenandwillingtoacceptothers’attemptstohelpme.
The decisions we make about how to spend our time, talents and effort are important. Play the Hand You're Delt
As child and young adult, I expected that most things would go my way. I thought my talents and skills would act like a protective armor and that my success was a forgone conclusion. For many years, my life was characterized by success after success and created the erroneous belief that life was steady and predictable. Over time I learned that life is anything but steady and predictable. Both my successes and my failures were a result of the cards life had delt me. Sometimes I got a good hand and sometimes I didn’t. The truth is, at some point, even the best of us will get a bad hand. Life is indiscriminate in how it distributes the bad cards. I learned valuable lessons from playing a bad hand. I learned to accept that life will bring the unexpected. I learned to be ok with the prospect of feeling sadness, disappointment and pain. I understand that I am perfectly imperfect, with aws and weaknesses that make me unique. I have learned make peace with life and grow through the adversity. I am comfortable shedding tears and letting go of what can no longer be
Life is a long journey, yet have only a very short time to be on earth. Experience has taught me that life has both high points and low points. Neither of these last forever. Understanding the nite nature of life has increased my motivation and my ambition. I use my hopes, aspirations, dreams and goals as fuel to propel myself forward. The vision I have of my future self inspires me to move forward each day. I approach each new day with a sense of optimism, energy and enthusiasm.
The adversity I faced during those nine months has shown me the importance of being kind and patient with people. We have no way of knowing if someone’s challenge is just beginning or coming to an end. During my darkest moments, I longed for connection and relationship. I longed to express my feelings and release my pain. I needed someone to be patient with me and hear me try to make sense of my struggle. Today, I make it a point to ask others, “How are you today?”. I chose to be patient, attentive and listen to their answer. Maybe I can provide a supportive ear, an encouraging word, or a comforting hug. Maybe there is something I can do to help.
I am grateful to have had the opportunity to work in various roles in cities around the world. Today, I can see that what made those experiences great was the people I shared them with. The experiences I cherish the most are those that allowed me to form meaningful relationships with others. I enjoy brining out the best in others. My success and happiness have been greatest when I was around people who brought out the best in me. I learned that people are more important than the money, the title, the location, or the work. Lesson: Seek out those who bring out the best in you and try to bring out the best in others.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have had to learn over the course of my life. Today I can see how I learned from each of my professional experiences. Even the ones that seemed irrelevant or pointless at the time, turned out to have taught me something. Because we never really know what will happen in life, it is best to develop your skills continuously.
Plan for the best but be ready for worst.the
The technical skills I developed as a consultant and a communications expert played a central role in my ability to overcome adversity. I used language to reframe my experience. I engaged in positive self-talk and created an optimistic voice inside my head that reminded me that I could get through each day. I created plans action steps that were achievable and realistic. These plans kept me on track for realizing my goals. I tracked my own progress and used metrics to prove to myself I was moving forward. Without a solid plan and method for tracking my progress, I knew my motivation wouldn't last long. Always Keep Learning.
Today, I am hopeful about my future life. I hold tight to my hopes and dreams. I am committed to developing new skills, working hard and forming relationships with others. I balance my hardworking nature and ambition with opportunities that allow me to make contributions to society and the lives of Iothers. aminvested in my professional success but family and friends are important to me. Fortunately, my current role allows me to present for the important moments in the lives of those I love while also meeting my professional commitments. Tome,successis beingabletobalancethepersonalandprofessionaldimensionsoflife
In Pursuit of Helping Others
10Actually In all I do, I strive to give my best, demonstrate humility and be of service to others. I look forward to having the opportunity to share my knowledge and experience with others. In the future, I hope to work in higher education. I see myself planning and delivering communications courses and training the next generation of communications professionals. In addition to sharing my technical expertise, I look forward to also sharing some strategies and lessons learned from my experience overcoming Itadversity. couldbe that one day a new set of challenges may comes my way. I know I am prepared for what lies ahead.
