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******A Free Magazine******

Costa Blanca Issue

Issue 16 July 2008

Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers. The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.


Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story. Note From The Editor. Well here we are, well into the sunshine and high living on the Costa Blanca with one dark cloud looming over the horizon. ‘My god they are going to charge for The Smuggler!’. Well let me explain the reasons behind the move and in doing so clear away the dark cloud. At present The Smuggler is a great success and has become a victim of its own popularity. Paul and myself started the magazine in order to bring a touch of humour into our and your lives. However the distribution of the magazine has encountered problems with people taking more than one copy, sometimes as many as four, when challenged they say they are for family and friends all across the globe, but that is restricting the readership on the Costa Blanca, where the advertisements and the people who provide the funding for the Magazine are targeting. By charging the sum of €1 for the Magazine then people will value the Magazine more (i.e. read it then pass it on to friends and family) with the funds raised used to increase the circulation and availability. (A win-win situation) Those that have subscribed to the magazine and now enjoy home delivery, will not be charged for the magazine during the remainder of their contract. Future direct deliveries will be charged at €0.5 plus postage, administration & IVA. Six months delivery within Spain will cost €23.00. The charge will come into effect on the September Issue, please stick with us and we promise you we will maintain the humorous standards we have set ourselves. Your comments and ‘suggestions’ will be gratefully received. Send them to editor@thesmuggler.es.

To Advertise in The Smuggler. Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area)

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Deadline for adverts for the month of August is 25th July. Due to the popularity of the Magazine Distribution points will be prioritised to advertisers and contributors. The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor. 2


Letters to The Editor Dear Editor, My mum and dad always rib me for not eating things past their Sell-By date. However, I had the last laugh when they both suffered food poisoning from expired yoghurt. Heather, UK. Oooh...., what a lovely daughter. They must be such proud parents. (Ed.) Dear Editor, Whilst walking home after a skinful last night, I very clumsily twatted myself on a lamp post, resulting in severe amnesia. I was wondering if any of your Dear Hard Up – You readers know who I am, and are being too heavy where I live? handed. Women like Me, Somewhere. subtlety, romance, Dear Editor, mystery. Try being a I moved to the Costa Blanca 6 bit less direct. Instead months ago, and have found it of saying, ‘my cock’ shocking to read so many lettry, ‘my todger’. ters, in the English language Dear Editor papers, criticizing the Spanish postal service. I use them regu- Tommy Cooper died larly, and have not once experi- on stage doing what he loved. Steve Irwin enced any problems. Hurrah died in the ocean dofor Correos, say I! Can I also ing what he loved. use this opportunity to wish Please Ed, don’t have you, and your readers, a very a toss tonight – I’m Merry Christmas, and a prosworried about you! perous 2007. Simon, via email. Matt Black, Denia. Dear Editor Dear Editor I keep getting rejected when I My doctor has put me try to join a well-known dating on a new sex drug web site on the Costa Blanca. that’s just come out. One of the questions is, “What It’s half Viagra and half Prozac. It’s fantastic – do you want in a woman?” if you don’t get a f*ck, Apparently, “My cock” is not you don’t give a f*ck! an acceptable answer. Any Barney, Alfaz. suggestions? ‘Hard Up’ Harry, Benideleig.

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German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 Euros an hour" "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it"s harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. The energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San call that?" Francisco? Because their balls hang down below "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck tech- their hem-lines. nique"

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A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. 'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'. The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, 'Do you shave?' 'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?' 'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?' 'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?' 'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.' 'I know', he said, 'but the fucking darts team hadn't'!

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his

assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: So, Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs And shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'' 'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.' 5

A little respect please! With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at age 93.The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

‘They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.... ‘


Cyd the Cynic/Guide to Women

ing. Let’s go back to my place for a good hard shag.” (Er…so I’ve been told). And, as often I can no longer resist. The as not, they are getting a posicalls, the letters, the emails, the tive response (er…again, so faxes – all asking for one thing. I’ve been told). Or, at the very “Please, Cyd!” they beg, “Tell worst, “Well, at least buy me a us what we need to know drink first, Tiger.” about women.” But, as even the most dimSo here we are, after a lifetime witted of men quickly work spent studying, listening to, out, that technique just doesn’t thinking about and, yes, loving work on women (Essex girls them, I present ‘Cyd the excepted, of course). You Cynic’s Guide to Women’ – need a certain amount of savvy, The first thing to realise is that a certain amount of smarts, and no small amount of cash if you women are not really the opwant to play hide the salami posite sex. They are a whole other species. They don’t re- with a lady. But before you go splashing spond to things the way we your cash around, it’s a good men do. Take courtship for idea first to make sure the example. In gay bars up and woman is at least slightly interdown the Costa Blanca men ested in you. How do you do are walking up to other men this? Look for signs! The first and saying, “Hola, my name is Juan. You are very good look- sign is usually eye contact. Of

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course, make sure she isn’t looking at the bloke behind you. Other signs are: playing with her hair, licking her lips, pulling on her ear lobe and putting her hand on your leg. So if an attractive woman starts undressing in front of you, while she’s playing with her hair, licking her lips, pulling on her ear lobe and fanning your thigh, you can be pretty sure she likes you (or you’re in a bar with bright neon signs on the N332). I also have to mention that the following are not signs that a woman is interested in you: adjusting her underwear, scratching anyplace, licking her forearms or asking you to leave. Another mistake to make is to try to woo a woman by becoming her friend first. Never,


ever try this. Even though you may think friendship is the best basis for a long-term relationship, the problems come when trying to convert it to something a bit steamier. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” she’ll balefully cry – meaning she just doesn’t find you attractive, you just don’t have enough cash to satisfy her, or you never treated her like a complete bastard. You can respond: “We’ll always be friends. Trust me.” Then dive in for a kiss anyway. But she knows better. Once you’re cast as a friend, women have many ways of making a man feel like slime for even considering defiling that chaste closeness for a little sex. After all, compared to true and lasting friendship, what is sex? It’s what you’re after, stupid! Looking back at some of the women I was simply close friends with, I realise that those relationships probably brought out the best in me. I could be myself. I got in touch with my sensitive side. I experienced sympathetic bloating. I also wish I’d tried to bang them. Each and every one. I can’t help it! I’m a man! What women want is for a man to be a man. Assertiveness, decision-making, protectiveness, nurturing. Try to give the impression that you might stand up for her and take care of her. Please be aware that ‘might’ is the operative word. No point getting shit kicked for

a double bagger*. I actually stood in front of my wife during a bar fight once. I responded so quickly that I didn’t even think about it first. The result was that I made her feel secure and important, which in turn made her want me. And her wanting me made me feel secure and important. And that made me want me. That’s where it got a little confusing. Another thing to remember is that men and women do not share the same sense of humour. This was brought home to me by an incident involving a female accountant at the last publisher I worked for. This accountant was in charge of paying employee expenses, and as such I was advised to become friends with her, as she would prepare cheques for her friends first. ‘But how do you become friends with a woman?’ I thought. Foolishly, I decided to treat her like I would treat a male colleague. I decided some gently ribbing was called for. The young lady was of Italian decent, and as such had a little bit of hair on her top lip. In front of the other five women who worked in her office I called 7

her Tom Selleck. For some reason she took umbrage. A final tip is how to answer the worst question a woman can ask a man: “How do I look in this?” Firstly, let me state categorically that any answer is wrong, especially no answer. It is also unwise to run. I would like to share a technique I have developed over years of trial and error. Before answering, tilt your head slightly to one side, take a deep breath in through your nose, and as you


let it out, let a sigh slowly transform into a warm smile. The results are amazing, and often overshadow any words you might mumble. Be sure to practice this in the mirror. Avoid the classic quizzical doghead tilt at all cost. *A double bagger is a woman who is not too well endowed in the looks department. While having sex with her a man might put two paper bags over her head, just in case the first falls off. name something else that he liked to eat. pan, one male and one female. "I like to eat pussy." he The female egg says "Look, I've snapped. got a crack" The man handed him another "No good telling me" replies apple and told him to try it. the male egg "I'm not hard yet" He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exA young fellow ran into claimed, "That tasted like shit". an old man who was carrying a The old man looked at him, bag. smiled and said, "Turn it over." "What's in the bag?" the youngster asked. Coming on the Bus "magic apples", the old man One day two old ladies met up replied. for a spot of lunch, one of the "Prove it", said the young man. ladies said to the "Well, besides apples, what is other your favourite two fruits?" "Did you come asked the old man. on the bus" "Watermelon and peaches", he The other lady answered. replied "Yeah The man handed him an apple but I made it and told him to try it out. The look like an boy took a bite and said that it asthma attack" tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said. The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach. The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic. The old fellow told him to

Two eggs boiling in a

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Two little girls were in the luncheon room of a Beveley Hills elementary school. “Guess what?” said the first girl. “My mummy’s getting married again, so I’m going to have a new daddy,” “Who’s she marrying?” asked the second girls. “Carl Wilkinson,” said the first girl. “He’s a famous Hollywood actor.” “Oh, you’ll like him,” said second girl. “He was my daddy last year!”


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Smelly Arthritis

So the man ventured downAn elderly couple (who lived in wards. After five minutes the man an old folks home) had had came back up. feelings for one another for "Any wrong?" asked the quite some time. women. Then one day they had a "Well yes there’s a horrible chance to meet up, as the old smell and it tastes quite bad folks were going out on a day down there" said the man. trip. "Oh" said the women. "That The two complained of some must be my arthritis" sort of illness and the carers "In your Vagina?" enquired the told them to say put. When the coach with the eld- man. ers in had pulled away the cou- "No" answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I ple made sure the coast was can't wipe my arse!!!" clear before slipping into the mans bedroom. Doctors Check up As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the There was an old man who was man asked the women did she married to a very young woman. like anything doing to her? The old man was at the doc"I love to be licked down tors for a checkup and the docbelow!" came the reply.

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tor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample". The old man looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"? His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

Tame Alligator A bloke walks into a bar with an alligator. He walks up to the bar and says "I would like a beer thanks." The Bar man says "Sorry mate you can't have that alligator in here." The man says "No it's tame I can prove it to you." So the man throws an ashtray at it's head, and the alligator just shrugs it off.


The bar man says "No I'm still not convinced." So the guy puts his dick in the alligator’s mouth and throws an ashtray at his head and the alligator still does nothing. The bar man looks real impressed so the man says "Would anyone else like a go?" An old lady in the back corner says "Yeah I would, but could you please not throw an ashtray at my head."

on I will have to check the stock out the back". Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken" "How much?" asked Paddy. "Three quid." replied the salesperson. "Three quid for a jumper for a chicken excellent." said Paddy. So away he went as To: All Staff happy as Larry. Subject: Copier When he got outside he Please, please please please please - I am begging - keep any thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked and all paper clips away from inside the bag. At the bottom the copier! We have had two service calls of the bag was a condom. He was mad and stormed back in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson "Hey, I asked clip from the innards of the you for a jumper for a chicken copier. and you have given me a conPLEASE be really really really dom – what’s going on?" really careful around the copThe salesperson replied, "Sorry ier. Especially the document mate, I checked in the back and handler, which seems to suck we seem to be all out of jumpclits like a vacuum cleaner. ers for chickens, all we had was Thanks for your help. a pullover for a cock."

think there's yet another wee one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie wee lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing Paddy was walking In the back woods of on the railing of a high bridge through a town one day when Scotland, Ian's wife went into getting ready to jump off, when he say a shop with a notice in labour in the middle of the he happened to look down and the window. The notice said night, and the doctor was see a little man with no arms "We sell everything". Paddy called out to assist in the delivdancing all around on the river could not believe this so he bank below. He thought, "Life went inside. He walked to the ery. To keep the nervous father-to- isn't so bad after all," and got counter and asked the salesoff the railing. He then walked person, "Do you really sell eve- be busy, the doctor handed down to the river bank to rything?" The salesperson said him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see thank the little man for saving "Yes, everything". his life. "Thank you," he said. "I Thinking this was too good to what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the was going to jump off that be true Paddy said "OK then world. "Whoa there Ian!" said bridge and kill myself, but when could I have a jumper for a the doctor. "Don't be in a rush I saw you dancing even though chicken?". The salesperson said to put the lantern down...I you have no arms, I changed "A jumper for a chicken?, hold 11


my mind." "Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'Its golf balls'. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't Use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want You to Use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out

of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us Today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture". Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman. 12

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but he's with Bupa".

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard,! Not realising that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a football.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - 'ÂŁ250' In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. Boy - 'Dark in here.' man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have football boots.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy - 'ÂŁ750' man - 'Sold.' A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go


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outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy -'ÂŁ1,000.' The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.' They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now'

A woman was having a asked. 'I'm investigating a compassionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband

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plaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Hungry little bastards Eh!'


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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the erudite comedian, who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates!" He tends to see things a tad differently than the rest of us: here are some of his gems: 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming

your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever: so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 16

34- When the trees move back and forth, they create the wind. 35- Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Why not get taller ballerinas? 36 - If your car could travel at the speed of light would your headlights work?

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two Daddy longlegs' mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the one on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs'. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well, we're not having any of that f**king poofter shit in our garden,' she said!


You’re sitting in the shade reading a book, but you

fly spray and your tormentors will be far too preoccupied dying to want to bother you! Naturally, this can’t concentrate because flies is not a permanent solution and keep landing on you and crawling other flies will happen by eventuabout. You shoo a fly from your ally …just have the deterrent leg, but it’s back in seconds or handy! another fly lands on your shoulder. There is one other plus point to You’re not ‘Billy the Kid’ with this method of ridding yourself lightning hands and so you reach airborne interference …you are for the swatter. You miss the fly doing your bit for natural selecanyway and hit yourself …this tion! Garden variety British blueSTINGS! bottles don’t repeatedly land on You could smother yourself in people and these Mediterranean lavender cologne and this usually cousins need to learn that such works for about half an hour … behaviour possesses the potential then the little buggers are back! to very finally curtail any hopes of There is a satisfying solution. reproduction! Unless you live on top of a worldAs a footnote, I would like to add beating source of flies, the bugs that I have considered the reason doing the bugging are usually two behind why these flies that will or three in number and you can land on us with such persistence. use fly spray as a knock-down. By As a biologist of many years standthe time your six-legged adversaring (and the rest sitting down) I ies realise there is something can tell you that it isn’t to lay eggs. wrong, the insecticide is already My skin has been perfectly dry killing them! Two or three puffs of

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when flies have landed on me and so it cannot be to recover small beads of sweat (as a source of water). However, what we sweat is not simply water and there are dissolved salts that will crystallise out as sweat evaporates. These crystals would be too small to be seen with our eyes, but must represent a valuable mineral source to the flies! Interesting theory though this is, it goes no way towards explaining the other buggers that dive-bomb you in the face with extreme prejudice.


A middle-aged man began worrying about his teenage son, and what he might end up doing for a living. To satisfy himself, and test the lad he went to the boy's room and placed four things on his study table: * A Bible; * A Dollar; * A quart of whisky; * A playboy magazine. The man thought to himself: "I'll watch from behind the door. If the boy picks up the bible, the lad will be a preacher. If he picks up the dollar, he'll be a businessman. If he picks up the whisky, he'll end up a nogood drunk. Worst of all, if he picks up the magazine he'll be a no-good skirt-chasing wastrel!" When the son entered the room and spotted the objects, he tossed his books on his bed, and to his father's delight picked up the bible. Then he picked up the dollar and put it in his pocket. Then, he popped the cork on the whisky and took a good slug while he admired the centrefold in the Playboy magazine. "God almighty damn!" the old man exclaimed to himself. "That little bastard's gonna be an Member of Parliament!" From: Australian Court Docket, #12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time thesmile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed

more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well y our Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!'

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight atten18

dants with good-looking strippers! What the hell--they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record


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revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right--a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low selfesteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

Hello and thank you for calling The NHS Mental Hospital Please select from the following If you are blonde, don't press options menu: any buttons, you'll just mess it If you are obsessive/ compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. up. If you are co-dependent, please This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. ask someone to press 2 for You can do your part by you. remembering to contact at If you have multiple personali- least one unstaties, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. ble person to If you are paranoid, we know show you care. who you are and what you Well, my job is want, stay on the line so we done .....Your can trace your call. turn. If you are delusional, press 7 A cat!" said and your call will be forwarded Suzy. to the Mother Ship. "Good job! If you are schizophrenic, listen Now, what's this animal?" "A carefully and a little voice will dog!" said tell you which number to Ricky. press. If you are manic-depressive, it "Good! Now doesn't matter which number what animal is this?" she asked, you press, nothing will make holding up a you happy anyway. picture of a If you are dyslexic, press deer. The class 9696969696969696. fell silent. After If you are bipolar, please leave a couple of minutes, the a message after the beep or teacher said, before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. "It's what your 20

mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.


I'm trying to see things

clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, This elderly lady went to ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I the doctor for a check-up. Eve- can't ever show my face in CafĂŠ rything checked out fine. Ole again. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I There was a baby born in haven't had sex for years now the hospital and he weighed ten and I was wondering how I can pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five increase my husband's sex pounds and his balls weighed drive." The doctor smiled and five pounds. All the nurses and said, "Have you tried to give even the doctor didn't know him Viagra?" what to do with him. The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspi- Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. rin when he has a headache," The head nurse replied, ''We she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest don't know what to do with this baby.'' something. Crush the Viagra So the chief surgeon took one into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution." coffee and serve it. He won't 'Why?' asked the head notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She nurse. "Well," replied left the doctor's office quickly. the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. Weeks later the old lady reThe boy is obviously turned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was half nuts." wrong. She shook her head. There was a "How did it go?" the doctor woman who was inasked. "Terrible, doctor, terri- terested in getting a ble." "Did it not work?" boob job, so she went "Yes," the old lady said, "It to her doctor, Dr. worked. I did as you said and Smith and questioned he got up and ripped his him about implants. from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!

21

He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed â‚Ź100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.) The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager. The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof. The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money. Question: Which secretary

does the manager select to retain? Answer: Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!

Why are most professionals dirty?

fast and then slows down. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning The Doctor because he says, and was always late for work. "Take off your clothes." His boss was mad at him and The Dentist because he says, threatened to fire him if he "Open wide." didn't do something about it. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told blown?" The Milkman because he says, him to take it before he went to bed. "Do you want it in front or in Tom slept well and in fact beat back?" the alarm in the morning. He The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. it all in, you'll love it." The Banker because he says, "If "Boss," he said, "The pill actuyou take it out too soon, you'll ally worked!" "That's F**cing great" said the lose interest." The Police Officer because he boss. "But where were you yesterday?" says, "Spread 'em." The Postman because he alThe huge Air Canada ways delivers his package. The Pilot because he takes off Jumbo jet is just coming into 22


Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"

tion in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, Paddy was heard to exclaim, "Wow! And It just missed the highway!"

morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick." A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other A guy works at a new side. She yells over to the job on Thursday and Friday. On blonde "Hey, excuse me! How Monday he calls in and says, "I do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey can't come in today. I'm sick." of the river, the blonde calls He worked the rest of the back "You ARE on the other week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't side!" come in today. I'm sick." The What is a LA cops favourboss asks the foreman about ite sandwich? him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work Truncheon meat. Why is Santa’s sack so of two men. We need him." big? He only comes once a So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem year to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, As a Delta Air Lines jet "No, I don't was flying over Arizona on a drink or do clear day, the copilot was pro- drugs. But my viding his passengers with a brother-in-law running commentary about drinks every landmarks over the PA system. weekend, and "Coming up on the right, you then beats on can see the Meteor Crater, my sister. So which is a major tourist attrac- every Monday 23


Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. Client: Well, give me the bad news first. Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is ok! The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The

bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

A handful of famous ‘Beer Quotes’ Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway. He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella. If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin. Without question, the greatest 24

invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry. People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Paul Kilby.


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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me €15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad mate." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely fuck all!”

A man in a bar sees a

A serious drunk walked

friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me €25,000." "God, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me €90,000." "Jesus, Two parents gone in two months. No wonder

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into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."


Charlton Heston: A Tribute Fans of the silver screen were stunned by the recent demise of the Hollywood legend, Charlton Heston; despite the fact that he was knocking on a bit. Few people living on the Costa Blanca, under the age of 40, will have knowledge of this star of stage and screen; therefore Royturds News Agency feels it is only right and fitting to touch-on the highlights of this grand-master of celluloid. Charlton Heston was born Sidney Boggleswade, most probably at some time in the 20´s, in America. At aged 2, he changed his name to Stanley Bogdanovitch because the other kids use to rip the piss out of him. A short time later he moved to Heston, Michigan, and whilst watching an England football game, took a liking to midfielder Bobby Charlton, so decided to adopt the name Heston Charlton. Unfortunately, when filling in the appropriate forms, he mistakenly entered the information in the wrong columns, so had to settle for Charlton Heston as his new stage name. His acting career began at an early age, playing the lead part in the stage musical `Annie, Go For Your Gun´; a move that started his love affair with rifles. He starred in 123 films throughout his sparkling career, his first blockbuster being `The Ten Commandments´ (1956), where his chiselled good-looks made him the perfect choice for an American-accented

Moses. His adoring public didn’t have to wait long before he was offered the lead role in `BenHur´ (1959). This part involved a great deal of riding around in a chariot at breakneck speeds. Though he insisted his character in the film should be allowed to carry a firearm and shoot all the baddies, he had to settle for a sword instead, as the director felt audiences, though gullible at the time, would realise that Romans hadn’t actually possessed modern day weapons. Charlton’s´ first big break away from Biblical related films, saw him play the part of an astronaut that finds himself believably transported to a future Earth ruled by gorillas; and populated by repressed chimpanzee-type people that lacked the ability to move their lips. Again, the powers-to-be much preferred the human to talk his way out of his predicament, whilst striking up a relationship with a female chimp. However, this time Charlton convinced them that his character should somehow come into possession of a rifle, then proceed to shoot anything that so much as resembled a monkey. Film critics heaped praise on the ending, which found the sole human kneeling on a beach, staring at a half covered `Statue of Liberty´, and melodramatically shouting `You Bastards´. This film was later re-made, starring Mark Wahlberg, but was a box-office flop. Heston put this failure down to the fact that he wasn’t offered the part, and that the films main character “didn’t 27

shoot enough furry creatures”. The thespians´ next opportunity to further his stardom, came in the film `Omega Man´, where he played the part of the last human on Earth; due to some kind of chemical warfare. All other survivors were nasty types that wore hooded cloaks, sunglasses, and only came out at night. Although the director preferred to make it a poignant tale of desperation, `Chuck´, as Charlton preferred to be called, insisted on being able to blow everyone away with an extensive collection of weapons. The recent re-make of the film, `I Am Legend´, starring funny man Will Smith, also involved many weapons of crass destruction. The part was to be played by Charlton Heston but, unfortunately for him, failing health caused him to start walking, ironically, like an ape; and the filmmakers felt this might detract the audiences´ attention from the complex storyline. Though his career saw him play the parts of characters as diverse as Michelangelo, John the Baptist and El Cid, his career went into decline soon afterwards, and parts were limited to disaster movies involving earthquakes and large airliners `caught in a pickle´. His last major role was in `Wayne’s World´, though all evidence of this film was later mysteriously destroyed by an arsonist dressed in a monkey suit and riding a chariot. Charlton spent his later years concentrating on his one true love; defending the American


peoples´ right to `bear arms´. After several years as the President of the N.R.A. (National Rifle Association) he vehemently opposed the right to `arm bears´, on the off chance that one of them might shoot back. It was during this time that he uttered his most famous words. Whilst raising a rifle in one hand, he challenged the powers-to-be to remove it “From my cold, dead hands”. It would seem that now wouldn’t be a bad time to try; as we feel that `Chuck´ would most probably not put up much of a resistance.

free), and can only rise in value. With this in mind, we apologise profusely for the error made somewhere between the writing and printing process, resulting in the footnote explaining why some words, in the article, were followed by an asterix. In order to clear up any confusion, this deleted information has been printed below. With the use of a pair of sharp scissors, July 2008: Royturds News simply cut along line, and paste below last Agency month’s article. EURO 2008 EXTRAVAGANZA (Cont.) It has been brought to the attention of Royturds News Agency, that an article of ours, entitled EURO EXTRAVAGANZA 2008 (p 30), in the June edition (No 15) of The Smuggler, was short of vital information. As we have stated before, all material sent by us is of the highest quality; and nothing less will be tolerated. We are well aware that The Smuggler is a highly sought after publication, with collectors worldwide scrambling to gain possession of one of the limited copies that are available. We understand that these individuals only expect the highest quality from these investments for the future (even though all publications are, remarkably, still

*Not confirmed ** Extremely Doubtful ***Unless we’ve got loads left **** or more We here at Royturds News Agency do not wish to apportion blame to any one individual for the error, but appreciate that `the buck stops here´ when `heads have to roll´. To this end, we have terminated the position of our managing director. In line with all large corporations, the now exmanaging director will receive a large financial severance payment, retain any pension accrued, and allowed to come and go at will. Unfortunately, being as the position is (was) the only one in the organisation, he has been re-instated after intense negotiations; resulting in him attaining a vastly improved financial 28

package, a company car, a penthouse suite, and all the beer he can drink. We apologise for any confusion caused, and will endeavour to ensure that it never happens again. Footnote: Children should seek parental supervision when using sharp instruments. July 2008: Royturds News Agency


Smuggler Sudoku Solution on page 60. A woman in a restaurant farted loudly just as the waiter was approaching her table. Knowing that everyone in the place must have heard the noise, she desperately tried to save face by telling the waiter. 'Stop that!' The waiter said: 'Sure, lady. Which way is it headed?' Why are so many Germans born by Caesarean section? - Ever try to get a square head through a round hole? Why do Germans have huge heads? - Otherwise their mouths wouldn't fit in. How do you make German chocolate cake? First, you occupy the kitchen.

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The Ragged Clown/ Your Message Here Editor’s Note: Although making progress, the Ragged Clown is still undergoing treatment at a Costa Blanca institution. He was therefore unable to supply any copy this month. However, before his illness he submitted the following article, which at the time we felt unable to print due to its content. Now, with the debate raging throughout the Costa Blanca about whether The Smuggler should be a paid for magazine, or rely solely on advertising for its revenue, we feel it is an appropriate time to publish this critique: Something has got to be done about the insidious rise of advertising. It’s out of control. Advertising messages are popping up everywhere these days. There’s no escaping them. Just last night I was enjoying a beer in Coastal Bar in Javea (in the arenal part of town, up the road from the Spar shop – great selection of beers with a warm, friendly atmosphere. Really nice people, too), getting ready to watch the match on one of their big screen TVs, when I got talking to a chap who’d just got back from the UK. He pointed out to me the ridiculous amount of adverts now swamping England. It’s scandalous! As you leave the plane the tunnel is festooned with reasons for switching to HSBC. It seems that the decision on where to put your money has now come down to finding out which bank manager can make hand signals in

Greece without causing offence. Then, when you claim your luggage, the trolley advertises all the new and exciting ways of getting into the city centre. You’d think with all the extra money they’re receiving for the adverts they’d be able to fix the wonky f*cking wheel! Need to make a phone call to let the family know you’ve landed safely? Well you’d better make time to read all the adverts for young asylum ladies from Albania and, curiously, all the posters which talk about the advantages of a mobile phone. Hop into one of those moving billboards called a taxi, and the undersides of the foldaway seats carry advertisements telling you to put an advertisement there. It’s a similar story in lifts, Tube trains, cinemas and (so I’m told) buses. Even if you walk you’ll be assaulted by messages on billboards, buses, lorries, and shop windows. Oh, and make sure you dodge all those spotty-faced bastards with leaflets and scowls. Figure you’ll escape the adverts by driving your own car? Think again! Even petrol pump nozzles are urging you to buy a Snickers bar. Turn on the radio; get ready for more adverts than music. It’s enough to give you a Commercial Breakdown… now that’s an idea for a television programme! Even the back of a parking ticket is now a mini30

hoarding. When you finally get home you’ll struggle to open the door because of all the junk mail you’ve accumulated. Talking of junk mail I got a letter the other day asking me to sponsor a child in Africa – does that mean that some poor little orphan would have to walk around with ‘Read the Ragged Clown’ tattooed on his forehead? Why don’t you relax by watching some TV? Apart from the 17 minutes an hour dedicated to commercials, most programmes seem to be sponsored by someone or other these days. Mind you, I think they could turn this idea up a notch - Porridge sponsored by Readybrek, Dracula sponsored by The Blood Transfusion Service, Grumpy Old Women sponsored by Tampax. But over and above all the adverts and sponsorship on TV there is another way for corporations to get their messages across – Product Placement. This method of advertising is particularly effective because


the viewer doesn’t realise it’s an advert, it appears to be just part of the show they’re watching, so their critical defences are down. But their subconscious picks up that the star of the show drinks Coke™, smokes Camels™ and prefers KY Jelly™ while the baddies drink some other cola, smoke another brand of cigarette and use another make of lubricant. It’s all very subtle, and is something that we at The Smuggler have taken a stand on and refuse to allow in our magazine. In fact this very subject was discussed at our last company do at The Lemon Tree Harvester restaurant near Moraira, where we had a great night, all for a very reasonable cost. Anyway, maybe you decide to get away from all this advertis-

ing by going for a relaxing walk around the town? Well, you’ll find every hanging basket, roundabout and bench is sponsored. Why don’t you stop off for a quiet beer at your local? Well, go for a pee and pass the time by reading all the adverts above the urinals. Decided you’ve had enough and so you log onto the Internet to book a flight back to Spain, eh? Well, be prepared for all the adverts asking if you want a bigger willy. Do women get similar offers to give them a bigger…no, don’t even go there, Rag. So, eventually, you arrive back in Spain. Where they have just

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as many adverts on the telly, but you don’t understand them. Where you read the billboards because it helps to improve your Spanish, and you put up with the ads on the radio because at least they’re in bloody English. Smile, You’re In Spain™.


Two men are in a bar

the cat dipped its paw in to get getting drunk. Suddenly one of the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, the cat was them throws up all over himhappy! The next day the cat self. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife was absolutely starving when a massive frankfurt wopper came will kill me". flowing past..the cat dipped his His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in paw in to get it but fell in! However the cat retrieved the your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw sausage and was happy. the up on you and gave you twenty moral or the story is.............the bigger the sausage....the wetter dollars for the dry cleaning the pussy! bill". So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Multime. doon went to the parish priest "You reek of alcohol and and asked, 'Father, my dog is you've thrown up all over dead. Could ya' be saying' a yourself, my God you're dismass for the poor creature?' gusting" etc. Father Patrick replied, 'I'm Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's afraid not. We cannot have not what you think. I only had services for an animal in the church. But there are some one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they beone too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was lieve. Maybe they'll do somevery sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars". "Ah, yes." says the man. "He shit in my trousers too".

One day a small cat was sitting hungry by a river when a small chipalata sausage came flowing past....the cat used his paw to get the chipalata and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was happy! The next day the day was equally as hungry when a larger sausage came flowing past in the river, 32

thing for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!!'

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said, Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?' 'Why?' Paddy asked. 'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.' Paddy said, “Silly buggers, the laugh's on them. Sure I wasn't at home yesterday.”


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The Smuggler's Top Tips

CONVINCE bar staff that tons' for style-conscious your pint is off by sticking your tramps. finger up your arse before MAKE your own inexpensive holding the glass close to their EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately mints by leaving blobs of tooth- nose. tossing half the CVs into the paste to dry on a window sill. bin. DRUNKEN DRIVERS. Use striped toothpaste to When making your way home WOMEN Don't waste energy make humbugs. from a night out, put 'L' plates faking orgasms. Most men ANNOY and frustrate Specon your car to convince patrol- couldn't give a shit anyway and Savers staff by wandering up to ling police that any careless you could use the saved energy their counter, squinting your driving is the result of inexperi- to hoover the house after eyes whilst looking up at the ence rather than drink. How you've been banged price board, and when they ask you explain a 3am driving lesFELLAS. Stand outside an if they can help you, saying 'Big son is up to you. Ann Summers shop dressed in Mac and large fries, please.' AMERICANS. Wipe out the a security guard's uniform with BIRD FLU could be quickly Iraqi insurgency by simply join- a smoke detector in your and easily eradicated by adding ing their side. With your pocket. When a fit bird walks a few drops of Lemsip or 'friendly fire' tactics, the war out, simply press the smoke Daynurse to birdbaths. should be over in days. alarm button and voila! A free (Obviously, you would have to MURDERERS. Need to disgrope! put Nightnurse in the birdbaths pose of a body? for owls.) THIS IS AN ACTUAL CEILING Simply parcel it up LADY DRIVERS. Draw a MURAL IN A NEW HOTEL and post it to yourlittle diagram on a Post-it SMOKER'S LOUNGE. self via Royal Mail. showing the position of the You will never see hand brake and gear stick, and it again. stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for SMOKERS. 'Every them when the lights go green. cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off DOG OWNERS. Don't your life', health waste money on a lead. Simply experts say. To walk your dog backwards hold- combat this, at the ing its tail. end of every day work out how many FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings seconds you have for chips by Sellotaping a crisp 'lost', and simply go to bed that much to the top of your arm each later, or wake up morning. that much earlier PUBLIC TOILET USERS. When the next morning. you realise the person in the Hey presto! your next cubicle is holding fire until lost time is reyou leave, simply open and turned. close the toilet door without DISCARDED leaving. Their first plop can PALLETS make then be greeted with a huge ideal 'designer fucheer. 34


RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. Why do gay men wear Q. What's a mixed feeling? ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off Q: What's the difference a cliff in your new car. between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. What's the height of conceit? Q. How do you find a A. Having an orgasm and blind man in a nudist colcalling out your own name. ony? Q. What's the definition of A. It's not hard. macho? Q: How do you circumcise A. Jogging home from your a man from Newcastle. vasectomy. A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a Q: What's the difference golf ball? between a boyfriend and a A. A guy will actually husband? search for a golf ball A: 45 minutes. Q. Do you know how Q: Why do men find it New Zealanders practice difficult to make eye consafe sex? tact? A. They spray paint X's on A: Breasts don't have eyes. the back of the sheep that Q: If the dove is the bird kick! of peace, what is the bird Q. Why is divorce so ex- of true love? pensive? A. The swallow. A. Because it's worth it! Q: What is the difference Q. What is a Yankee? between medium and A. The same as a quickie, rare? but a guy can do it alone. A: Six inches is medium, Q. What do Tupperware eight inches is rare. and a walrus have in com- Papá, papá, hoy no mon? quiero ir a la escuela. A. They both like a tight – ¿Qué te pasa hijo? seal. – Pues mira, primero tenQ. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? A. About three inches.

go sueño, segundo que me aburro y tercero que se ríen de mí. – ¿Sabes qué te digo?, que tienes que ir. Primero porque es tu obligación, segundo porque ya tienes cuarenta y cinco años y tercero porque eres el director. 35


WHY AM I MARRIED? she is married. Then she is finished

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be mis- A little boy asked his father, erable, or get married and wish 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' you were dead. Father replied, 'I don't know At a cocktail party, one woman son, I'm still paying.' said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wed- A young son asked, ding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Is it true Dad, that in some 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries man.' her?' A lady inserted an ad in the Dad replied, 'That happens in classifieds: every country, son.' 'Husband Wanted'. Then there was a woman who Next day she received a hunsaid, 'I never knew what real dred letters. happiness was until I got marThey all said the same thing: ried, and by then, it was too 'You can have mine.' late. When a woman steals your Marriage is the triumph of husband, there is no better imagination over intelligence. revenge than to let her keep him. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to A woman is incomplete until

36

every word you say -- talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' 'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him , and for patience to handle his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him


Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't

die! Why? OH, come on... take a guess! Think about it. You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'. The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?' 'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, England !' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' 'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. ' Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender. 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

37


AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON. Railroad tracks. This is fascinating be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content. The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of

Zero Tolerance Speed Camera

destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at 38

their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him


over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it isn't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it isn't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in

love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancĂŠe and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?" "I don't like her."

"You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For Mick was in court for a fifteen years lived next door to double murder and the judge that b*stard. And every time I said, "You are charged with asked to borrow a f***ing spanbeating your wife to death with ner, he said he didn't have a spanner." A voice at the back one!" of the courtroom yelled out,

39


A couple has a dog that

and as he walks back into the bedroom, he snores. sees the red ribbon Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet attached to his dog's testicles. to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon He shakes his head around the dog's testicles and and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't he will stop snoring. A few minutes after going to bed, the know where we were ... or what we dog begins snoring. Unable to did ... but, by God ... sleep, the wife goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red We took first and second place. ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! Yet Another Later that night, her husband Reason Why It's returns home drunk. He climbs Good to Speak Enginto bed, falls asleep and begins lish......... snoring loudly. The woman I had a bunch of Canadian dolthinks maybe the ribbon might lars I needed to exchange, so I work on him. She grabs a piece went to the currency exchange of blue ribbon and ties it window at the local bank. (Not around her husband's testicles. HSBC!) Amazingly, it also works on Short line. Just one lady in front him! The woman sleep soundly. of me - an Asian lady who was The husband wakes from his trying to exchange yen for doldrunken stupor and stumbles lars and she was more than a into the bathroom. As he little irritated. stands in front of the toilet, he She asked the teller, 'Why it glances in the mirror and sees change? Yesterday, I get two a blue ribbon attached to his hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get testicles. He is very confused, hunat eighty? Why it change?'

40

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.' The Asian lady quickly replied, 'Fluc you white people, too!' Yet Another Reason Why It's Good to Speak English.........


41


At school, a boy is said, "it's not your fault told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know," Mom

that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the pavements in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he 42


could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, those curb-stones must be a death-trap, your wife has fallen three times this week!"

eat and spend time in the pub with. So God created mates, and God saw that they were good blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the blokes pleasure at soccer In the beginning and cricket matches, God created day and night. heard the hiss of opening He created day for soccer Tetleys beer cans, and the and cricket matches, going raucous laughter of all his to the pub and fish & chip mates. takeaways. He smelled the aroma of He created night for going the fish and chips, and God pub crawling, sleeping and saw that it was good. Well eating fish and chips supalmost good. pers, and God He saw that the blokes saw that it was good. were too tired to clean up On the Second Day, God and needed a rest. created water - for fishing, So God created lasses - to and swimming and God clean the house, to bear saw that it was good. children, to wash, to cook On the Third Day God and to clean the car, created the Earth to bring and then God saw that it forth plants - to provide was not just good. It was malt and yeast for beer better than that, it were and wood for fires to cook reight bloody marvellous! fish and chips, and God HE HAD INVENTED saw that it was good. YORKSHIRE!!! On the Fourth Day God created animals and crusta- MENOPAUSE ceans for chops, sausages, JEWELRY steak and fish 'My husband, being unto go with chips, and God happy with my mood saw that it was good. swings, bought me a mood On the Fifth day God cre- ring the other day so he ated a bloke - to go to would be able to monitor soccer and cricket, drink my moods. the beer and eat the We've discovered that meat and fish and chips, when I'm in a good mood, and God saw that it was it turns green. When I'm in good. a bad mood, it leaves a big On the Sixth Day God saw f-cking red mark on his that the bloke was lonely forehead. and needed someone to go Maybe next time he'll buy to soccer and me a diamond'. cricket with, drink beer, 43


THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER: 8:15 8:30 8:45

9:15 10:00 10:30

Wake up to hugs and kisses. Weigh-in. 2kgs lighter than yesterday. Breakfast in bed – Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants. Open presents – expensive jewellery chosen by a thoughtful partner. Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil. Light workout at club with sexy, funny personal trainer. Facial, manicure, make-up application, shampoo, condition,

12:00 12:45

1:00 3:00 4:00

4:15

5:30

blow wave. Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café. Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17kgs. Shopping with friends – unlimited credit. Nap. Three dozen roses delivered by florist – card is from secret admirer. Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body. Choose outfit from expensive designer

44

7:30

10:00 10:50 11:00 11:15

wardrobe. Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers. Hot shower, alone. Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen. Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling. Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM: 6:00 6:15 6:30 7:00

Alarm. Blowjob. Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section. Breakfast –steak and


7:30 7:45 9:15 9:30

9:45 11:45

12:15 12:30 2:15 2:30 3:30

4:30

5:00

eggs, coffee, toast – all cooked by naked buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler. Limo arrives. Several beers en route to the airport. Flight in personal Lear Jet. Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en route). Play front nine (2 under par). Lunch – steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon. Blow job. Play back nine (4 under). Limo back to airport (several bourbons). Fly to Bahamas. Late afternoon fishing expedition with allfemale crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers. Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle. Fly home, massage and hand job by naked

6:45 7:00

7:30

8:00

9:00

11:00

11:30 11:45 11:50

11:51

Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally). Shit, shower and shave. Watch news – Michael Jackson assassinated. Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies. Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits. Napoleon Brandy and Havana Cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game. Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer. Nightcap blow job. In bed, alone. A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room. Laugh yourself to sleep. 45


46


There is no Satellite Signal Being Received.

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48


Two Aussie builders (Barry and Mark) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Barry: - I reckon he's an accountant. Mark: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Barry: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Barry and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers

get the better of the builder. Barry: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Barry: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Barry: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Barry: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden Barry: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you

have a large garden then you have a large house? Barry: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Barry: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Barry:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Barry: - Me? Never.

ia d n Ga

49


Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Barry: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Barry: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Barry returns to his mate. Mark: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Barry: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Mark: - What's that then? Barry: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Mark: - Nope. Barry: - Well then, you're a wanker‌

idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge. [6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain. [7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir‌ mighty scarce. - Mark Twain. [8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates. [9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx. [10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante. [11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be A collection of trained to do most things. - Jilly classics... [1] Sometimes, when I look at Cooper. [12] I have never hated a man my children, I say to myself, enough to give 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa(mother of Jimmy Carter). [2] I had a rose named after me Gabor. [13] Only Irish and I was very flattered. coffee provides But I was not pleased to read in a single glass the description in the cataall four essential logue: 'No good in a bed, but food groups: fine against a wall.' - Eleanor alcohol, cafRoosevelt. feine, sugar and [3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman fat. - Alex Levine. I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and [14] Don't go around saying now wish to withdraw that the world owes statement. - Mark Twain. you a living. The [4] The secret of a good serworld owes you mon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to nothing. It was have the two as close together here first. Mark Twain. as possible. - George Burns. [15] My luck is [5] Santa Claus has the right 50

so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Ed Furgol [16] Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan. [17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman. [18] I am opposed to millionaires. .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain. [19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath. [20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith. [21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope. [22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC Fields.


51


Patrick Mower, good friend and proceeded to practice his serve as Britain to Maybe Declare War on Spain part-time gardener to the up- normal. Most of his shots were

till-now ageless Cliff Richard, has disclosed that the tennisAn insider has revealed, to anyone that cares to listen, the loving megastar is planning revenge against the Spanish popudevastating effect upon Cliff lace with a series well planned Richard by the news that he was `stitched-up´ in the 60´s by attacks. “Cliff was always a cheerful kind Franco; the then Spanish of chap around his mansion. Skipleader. The revelation that Franco paid ping and prancing from room to room, whilst singing one of his off the jury of a Eurovision many timeless hits as he went song contest, enabling the vastly inferior Spanish entry of about his daily business. Often he would invite guests here, and they `La-La-La´ to beat Britain’s would all sit around and watch catchy `Congratulations´, has `Summer Holiday´ on DVD, left a bitter taste with the laughing and joking and drinking singer/songwriter. Royturds News Agency has it on good orange juice. Then one morning authority that these actions, of he came out to the garden with a stern look on his face. I knew four decades ago, may well then that he’d seen the top Sky have brought the two nations news story of the day. He then to the brink of war.

52

well wide of the mark; one particular attempt flying through the patio doors and dislodging a platinum disc from the wall”. “Normally, at this time of year, he would spend hours standing under a sprinkler on the back lawn, an umbrella shielding him from the droplets, singing a selection of his favourite songs. He always wanted to be well prepared for Wimbledon fortnight. Now though, he spends most of his time indoors; browsing through a Spanish dictionary for offensive words”. It seems his intentions are to attend all major tennis tournaments involving the Spanish player Rafael Nadal, and do his utmost to put him off his game


53


by shouting obscenities at the top of his voice. If this should fail, he intends to employ his impish looks by disguising himself as a ball boy; then proceed to pass severely tampered-with balls to the Spanish heart-throb. Again, if this should prove fruitless, he will attempt to cause disruption by arranging for British forces to storm the event, seize Nadal, then have him detained under trumped-up terrorist charges”. “I understand, continued Mr Mower, that Cliff is a little peeved about not winning the Eurovision contest 40 years ago, and that he feels this has somehow held him back all these years; but to start a feud against Nadal would be absurd. Still, if it stops him from breaking into song everytime there’s the slightest threat of rain….”. We phoned Mr Richard for a comment, but fess to her man about her childhood illness. unfortunately all we got was a recording of She informed Jim that she suffered a disease `Wired for Sound´. that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year July 2008: Royturds News Agency old. He stated that it was OK, because he loved her Jim decided to propose to Sandy, soooo much. but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to con-

54


However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.' She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.' Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. 'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said. 'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'

PERHAPS CIRCUSES ARE HOT-BEDS of curious passion. Marian Paler, 36, caught her trapeze-artist husband in a were said to die each year when, after a night compromising position, in Resita, Romania. A on the tiles, they contentedly fell asleep... and few hours later, Marian guffawed loudly at a critical point in the performance when her hus- rolled over. band required total concentration, and he fell to his death from the flying trapeze: murdered by laughter.

OR PERHAPS THE CRUCIAL FACTOR is that they should be East European circuses. In 1993, Bucharest-based horse trainer Hanibal Cantori went to the stable to give his stallion Galbenus some sugar, and discovered his wife Laura having intercourse with the animal. When she confessed to regularly seeking satisfaction with Galbenus, Cantori strangled her with a silk scarf, before committing suicide.

HEALTH OFFICIALS in Istanbul, Turkey, were forced to issue a warning in 1990 about people making love on the roof during sultry summer evenings. At least a dozen people 55


ATTEMPTED MURDER cause the doors were locked

and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head When they finally got in they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head... A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is blonde.

(the actual AP headline) Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eves closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car, He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour Sex on a Sunday The man called the paramedics, morning! who broke into the car beI will never hear church bells

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ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and


slow and even. hadn't come along!" Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the "Ding" and out on the Did you hear about the "Dong." hooker that was into bondage? She paused to wipe away a She was strapped for cash. tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck An old guy knocked at the

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door of a brothel ’I want a girl’ he said . ‘That will be €150’ said the Madame. ‘€150! Your putting me on!’ ‘No that will be an extra €10’


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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The

lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

Two hookers were talking. The first said: last night I made $500 and I feel like a bottle of champagne.' The other one said: last night I made $5,000 and I feel like a pot of glue.'

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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Doner Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went: ASDA Employee: 'Hello 'dis ASDA, how can I help you?' Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.' ASDA Employee: 'Whatchu want ondacake?' Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' And underneath that 'We will miss you'.

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A guy went into a Mid-

puffing out her cheeks west whorehouse and told the furiously, whipping up a veritable gale. Madame: 'I want something 'What on earth are you doing?' different.' 'Well,' she said, 'we've got one he asked. girl that loves to take it up the I'm Hurricane Ellie,' she replied, 'and that is the wind coming ass.' from the hurricane.' 'No,' said the guy. That's too Then she started beating him common. I want something over the head with her enorreally different.' mous breasts. 'OK, have you ever tried a 'What the hell are you doing?' Hurricane Ellie?' he asked. 'No, can't say I have,' replied Those are the coconuts falling the punter. 'I'll go for that.' So he paid his money and was from the trees and hitting you on the head. It's all part of the taken through to a room out hurricane.' back where he undressed. A Then she began pissing all over few minutes later, an Amazonian woman came in and began him, explaining: These are the

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warm rains coming from the hurricane.' Suddenly he got up and began putting his clothes on. 'Where are you going?' she said. I'm leaving. Who can shag in this weather?'

An old lady took her dog to the vet. He said: I can tell there is something seriously wrong with your dog just by looking at his stools.' 'Is it because they're a strange colour?' she asked. 'No,' said the vet. It's because they're coming out of his ears.'


The Perfect Wine Glass

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July08 issue  

Adult Humour

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