June 08 issue

******A Free Magazine******

Costa Blanca Issue

Issue 15 June 2008

Warning This publication is aimed at open minded non-bigoted adult readers.

The stories contained in it are satire and parody and are ‘almost’ all fictitious.

The July edition of ‘The Smuggler Magazine’ will not be available until the 7th July. This is because the Ragged Clown has taken a turn for the worst. No not really it’s because the editor is taking a well earned break, a sunny fortnight in Jarrow.

— We are planning to bring out the first in a series of ‘Smuggler Specials’ at the end of July, just in time for beach season. This will take the form of a 120 page book and will be on sale at your local distribution point. If you would like to pre-order this limited edition then please call one of the Rep’s below.

— Thanks to all the supporters who turned up in Javea, it was a great afternoon. We have taken note of all the comments that were past and will incorporate them into the magazine where possible.

Visit our web site at www.thesmuggler.es and join in our new forum, pass comment on the magazine, start a new topic, post a joke, or write a witty story.

To Advertise in The Smuggler. Call: Paul (Denia-Javea-Calpe Area)

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The Smuggler takes no responsibility whatsoever on behalf of advertisers with regard to any claims made by, or information given in, advertisements contained within this publication. Under no circumstances can any part of this publication including text, illustrations, photographs or complete advertisements, be reproduced in any form without the express permission in writing of The Smuggler editor.

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Letters to The Editor Dear Editor, Following the devastating events in Myanmar, I was alarmed to learn that the price of a bottle of drinking water rose overnight from 75 cents, to 7 dollars a bottle. Still, it’s comforting to know that capitalism thrives under a strict military dictatorship.

Noah Hope, Denia.

Dear Editor, I’ve just been made aware of a Chinese man that successfully drove a car 150 feet above the Milou River; precariously balanced upon two wires. Apparently, it was broadcast live on Chinese local radio. Typical!

The one time I wasn’t listening

to Pingjang FM, and that happens.

Kay Serah, Denia.

Dear Editor,

It’s true that travel broadens the mind! On a recent brief visit to Italy I saw cars, some of which were at least five years

Email your letters to editor@thesmuggler.es or Fax your letters to 962 855 878 The Editor has total discretion over which letters are printed ‘because he’s the Boss’.

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.old with no evidence of collision damage! Whilst the colourful driving style of many there bore some familiarity with what one sees here, drivers do seem to have some regard for their own mortality. It couldn’t catch on here could it?

Chris Greenwell Gandia.

Like most people I love the ‘2 for 1’ offers the supermarkets do occasionally. I wanted to share with Dear Editor your readers When my husband reads in bed a great way on warm nights he puts a colan- they can take advantage of der over his head. He says it these offers keeps off the flies, shades his all year eyes from the light and lets in round, even air at the same time. when the Shelia Howes, Pedreguer. supermarkets Dear Editor have stopped Many years ago, when I lived in doing them.

Simply place the UK, I had reason to travel on a bus through London. On one item in your trolley the same bus as myself was a schoolboy whose head had be- and the other in your come stuck in a vase. His mother was rushing him off to coat pocket. Over the course of a year the savings to be had hospital. Presumably to avoid by using this method really add attracting attention she had placed her son’s school cap on up.

Stephen Pile, Constantinople. top of the vase.

W. Thompson, Javea.

Dear Editor Dear Editor I will never understand women! The other day my wife came home as proud as punch because she had just had a beautiful tattoo of seashell on her inner thigh.

Wanting to be a kind and thoughtful husband I said 4

how lovely it was, and then I put my ear next to it said, “Ohh, I can smell the sea!” She hit the roof and has cut my supply off. That’s the last time I try any of that ‘new man’ crap.

John Dover, Calpe.

Cyd the Cynic/Guide to Failures While finishing last month’s feature on life’s ‘also-rans’, I discovered I had so much material left over about life’s losers that I could do another article without having to bother to do any more research – and still get paid the same amount! Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

(Sounds like we need to renegotiate your contract – Ed).

So here we are, a comfort and inspiration to all who fall at the first hurdle (and then just lie there holding their shin), all who go the extra mile (in the wrong direction), and all who ‘play up, play up, and play the game’ (when really they should be at work). I give you: Cyd the Cynic’s Guide to Failures.

First up is Mrs Betty Tudor of Exeter. After nineteen years of learning to drive she had clocked up an amazing 273 lessons. In this time she had nine instructors and was banned from three driving schools. Her seventh test was failed after she drove the wrong way around a roundabout, whereupon the examiner screamed at her and said that he would drive from then on. Mrs Tudor told him that “if it hadn’t been for the cars coming in the opposite direction, hooting, he wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong”. Well that would have been alright then.

Next is Mr R H Naylor, who had an astrology column in the Sunday Express during the

1930s and 1940s. In the space of a few weeks this outstanding man predicted that Franco would never rule in Spain, that a united Ireland was imminent and that ‘war is not scheduled for 1939’. He explained that ‘Hitler’s horoscope shows he is not a war maker’, while admitting that Germany ‘might at some point show interest in regaining Togoland’.

On the domestic front he predicted a general election on 7th November 1938, at which the new government would gain a slender majority. The next election did not take place until 1945 and it was a landslide victory for the Labour Party.

With his unique insights into the future Naylor foresaw that ‘Bolshevism and Nazism would co-operate’ and said so days before Germany invaded Russia. He also predicted that ‘aircraft which cannot hover will soon be deemed utterly useless’ and that ‘Iceland will become a key area’.

Sounds like he should be in charge of planning for Iberdrola.

Had enough of women’s rights’ groups? Yeah, ain’t we all. Well, so had this guy. Inspired by the success of the American Coalition of Free Men (it has 800 affiliated groups and regu5

lar meetings to campaign for men’s rights), Mr Arthur Murray decided in 1983 to set up a UK branch. Since then it has attracted no members whatsoever. The regular newsletter consists of Arthur pleading with his six best friends to join.

When a reporter from The Times went to investigate ‘the group’, he found that Arthur was under constant attack from his wife, a veteran feminist who is bigger than he is,

owns the house, supports Arthur financially and makes him do all the housework. Attaboy, Arthur, show her who’s boss.

Another one working on a lost cause was the Reverend Phillip Randall, the vicar of Eye, near Peterborough. He wanted to write the definitive history of his village, but was puzzled by one particularly grand tombstone, obviously positioned in a place of honour in the church.

The inscription on the stone was ‘H.W.P.’ The Reverend spent the next nine years trying to discover who this HWP was. He questioned dozens of villagers and went through the church records right the way back to the 17th century. Finally, in desperation he contacted the local paper and

through their pages begged for help. Two days later he received a phone call from a man saying he helped his father lay the stone to mark the hot water pipe.

Of course our American cousins have had their fair share of failures. My favourite is General William Henry Harrison, who was elected president in 1841. To mark the occasion he wrote an inaugural speech that was so long and turgid his own party banned him from delivering it. They brought in a speechwriter to ‘Mandelson’ it, but even then in its severely edited form it lasted an hour and forty minutes, and took up over 91 inches of microscopic print in the New York Evening Post. On the coldest day of the

www.happydaysspain.com 6

year the general delivered his inaugural address, without the protection of a hat or coat, during which he caught pneumonia, died and never held office.

Well over 100 years later and the Americans are still producing failures. For example, in an attempt to train cadets in the art of interviewing robbery witnesses, officials at Albuquerque Police Academy decided to stage a mock break-in during an afternoon class.

The plan was that Detective David Garcia and Sergeant Robert Coon, two tutors at the academy, would dress up as an Indian and a drunk, respectively. They would then enter the class, conduct a smash-andgrab raid on the teacher, Mr

Ivall Miller, and leave quickly so that the cadets could practice interviewing each other about what they had seen.

Naturally, events took a very different course. The intruders had just burst into the class and were busy emptying Mr Miller’s pockets when about twenty cadets stormed forward in scenes of total mayhem to lift bodily, frisk, and generally duff over the intruders. When one student identified her tutor beneath an Indian head-dress, her shouts were drowned out in what had rapidly become a brawl.

Order had just been restored when Detective Garcia got up and ‘shot’ one of the students with blank cartridges in a gun which the crime-fighting cadets had neglected to confiscate.

“Next year we are going to have to figure out a different way to do this,” an academy official said afterwards. No shit, Sherlock.

Hope I haven’t failed to amuse you with these tales of failures.

Don’t fail to tune in next month.

The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, A Hunter walking 'this may very well be through the jungle found a the solution.' huge dead dinosaur with a The next day, she pigmy standing beside it. brought her female Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill parrots to the priest's that?". The pigmy said "Yes." house.

The hunter asked "How could As he ushered her in, a little bloke like you kill a huge she saw that his two beast like that?" said the pigmy: male parrots were "I killed it with my club." inside their cage holdThe astonished hunter asked: ing rosary beads and "How big is your club?" praying.

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Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

ting it on the counter as well He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful A man walks into a bar genie is standing with a paper bag. He sits down before him. and places the bag on the 'I will grant you counter. The bartender walks one wish... Just up and asks what's in the bag. one wish... each The man reaches into the bag person is only and pulls out a little man, about allowed one!'The 9" high and sets him on the bartender gets counter. real excited.

He reaches back into the bag Without hesitatand pulls out a small piano, set- ing he says, 'I 8

want A million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.''No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist'

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked.

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've e never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it? ''My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

A man was leaving a The man replied, 'My dog atconvenience store with his tacked and killed her.' morning coffee when he noHe inquired further, 'But, who ticed a most unusual funeral is in the second hearse?' procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black The man answered, 'My hearse was followed by a sec- mother-in-law. She was trying ond long black hearse about 50 to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' feet behind the first one. BeA poignant and thoughtful mohind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a ment of silence passed between leash. Behind him, a short dis- the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?' tance back, were about 200 The man told him, 'Get in line'. men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the Bob works hard at the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the office but spends two nights man walking the dog and said, 'I each week bowling, and plays am so sorry for your loss, and I golf every Saturday.

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His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Christ Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Broke-back Rooster A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster 11

and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.

He grabs his shotgun and BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Bubba Had Shingles Those of us who spend much

time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Childbirth at 65 With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she

was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' ‘When he cries!' she told me.

'When he cries?' I demanded.

'Why do I have to wait until he cries?' ‘Because I forgot where I put him OK’!!!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.

So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual 12

favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Billy Billynoticed noticedthe thegoldgoldfish fishhad haddiarrhoea diarrhoeaagain. again.

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, It'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Tel: 965 796 446

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Higher Than An Eagle lutely sure that what you are Following months of marijuana busts, the Metropolitan Police Drug Squad burned all the recovered weed in a remote region. The fire was blazing brightly when an officer noticed that a flock of terns was flying around the area. Concerned about the effects of the fumes on the birds, the officer called the National Society for the Protection of Birds. Their fears were confirmed… there was not one tern left unstoned.

The New Italian Pasta Diet 1.You walka pasta da baker’s shop.

2.You walka pasta da sweaty shop.

3.You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.You walka pasta da table and fridge.

5.You will definitely lose da weight.

Socrates (The Daft Old Bugger!)

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of you students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to pour out the dregs of what you’re going to say into three cups, and see what is left. The first cup is Truth. Have you made abso-

about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.”

“Now let’s try the second cup, the cup of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third cup – the cup of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“Well, not really…”

“Well there you are,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither known to be true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem…it also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

A Bit of Winter Wood It was winter and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter 16

was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?” “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again.

Does it still look like being a cold winter?” “Yes,” the man at the National Weather Service again replied. “It’s going to be a very cold winter indeed.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied.

“It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, “Well, the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!”

Madness (One Step-Son Beyoooooond!)

my daddy, she was at once my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepA physician asked a mental hospital patient how he got to mother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is be institutionalised. The pamy step-grandmother since she tient said, “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess is my stepmother’s mother.

I should never have done it. I (Don’t forget that my stepgot hitched to a widow with a mother is my stepdaughter.) grown daughter who then be- Remember too, that I am my wife’s grandson.” came my stepdaughter.”

“My daddy came to visit us, fell “But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m marin love with my lovely stepried to my step grandmother, I daughter, then married her. am not only the wife’s grandAnd so my stepdaughter was son and her hubby, but I am now my stepmother.”

“Soon my wife had a son who also my own grandfather.”

“Now can you understand how was, of course, my daddy’s I got in this damned place? brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife. So, as I told you, Silence! when my stepdaughter married Brother John entered the

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‘Monastery of Silence’ and the abbot said, “Brother John, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbot said to him, “Brother John, you have been here for five years now. You may speak two words.”

Brother John said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the abbot said. “We will get you a better bed.”

After another five years, the abbot again called Brother John. “You may say another two words, Brother John.”

“Cold food.” said Brother John.

The abbot assured him that the food would be better in the

future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot once again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today,” said the abbot.

“I quit!” said Brother John.

“It’s probably for the best,” said the abbot, “you’ve done nothing but bitch since you’ve been here.”

beside a beggar who has a cross.” The Star of David begThere were two beggars sitting gar turned to the other beggar side by side on a street in Gan- and said, “Hey, Moishe…look dia. One had a Christian cross who’s trying to teach us marketing.” in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Who Should Make The Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put Coffee In The Morning? money into the hat of the one The wife says, “You should do sitting behind the cross. it. You get up first and if you A priest came by, stopped, and make it we won’t have to wait Sit Up and Take Notice watched the people giving so long for it.”

The man’s wife was not an ex- money to the one, but not the The husband says, “You should ercise person. In fact, her hus- other. do it because you’re in charge band’s morning sit-up seemed Finally, he went over to the of the cooking around here, to irritate her. Once, as he’d beggar behind the Star of David and I really don’t mind having finished his routine, she and said, “Don’t you underto wait for my coffee.” snapped, “Look at you! What stand? This is a Catholic coun- The wife replies, “No, you does all that exercise do for try. People aren’t going to give should do it. It says so in the you anyway? You look exactly you money if you sit there with bible!” The husband, disbelievthe same as you did ten years a Star of David in front of you, ingly, says, “ Where the hell ago!” especially when you’re sitting does it say that in the bible?”

God Damn Beggars

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She goes and fetches the bible and opens it up in the New Testament. “There you are,” she says, “Hebrews!”

There’s No Pleasing Some People.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were in a bar having a drink. Sitting in the corner of the bar was a chap all on his own, who looked familiar to the three men, but none of them could place him.

Eventually, they realised who he was – it was Jesus.

“Let’s all get him a drink,” one of them suggested. So three pints were sent over to Jesus, a pint of lager, a pint of Guinness and a pint of bitter. Jesus smiles at the men and slowly drinks the three pints.

When he’s finished, Jesus walks up to the Irishman, thanks him for the pint and warmly shakes his hand. When he lets go the Irishman lets out a shriek of amazements and says, “It’s a miracle! I’ve had arthritis in my hand for years, and now I’m healed. Praise the Lord!”

Jesus then thanks the Australian, and shakes his hand.

Again, a cry of amazement and the Australian says, “Praise the Lord. I’ve had a bad back for years and now I am healed!”

Jesus heads towards the Scouser but before he can do anything the Scouser shouts, “Back off, mate! I’m on disability benefit!”

How We Got The Ten Commandments.

God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments

for you that will make your lives better!”

The Arabs said, “What are commandments?”

And God said, “They are rules for you to live your lives by.

For example, one of them is ‘Thou Shall Not Kill’” The Arabs said, “Thou Shall Not Kill? Not interested!”

So then God went to the French and said I have Commandments for you. The French wanted an example.

‘Honour Thy Mother and Father’. The French said, “But we’re not sure who our Fathers are. Not interested!”

So then God went to the Italians. They also wanted an example. ‘Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery’. “No adultery?!

Not interested!”

So then God went to the Pakistanis, and they also wanted an example. ‘Keep the Sabbath as a Day of Rest’. “Don’t open the shop on a Sunday? Not interested!”

So then God went to the Australians, and they also wanted an example. ‘Don’t Take The Lord’s Name In Vain’. Once this was very slowly explained to them they said, “No bloody swearing? No bloody way, cobber! Not bloody interested, mate!”

So then God went to the Germans, and they also wanted an example. ‘Thou Shall Worship No Other Gods But Me’. “But we are the master race, all must worship us!” they cried, “Not interested!”

So then God went to the Gypsies, and they also wanted an example. ‘Thou Shall Not 20

Steal’. “Not steal? Not interested! By the way, do you want your drive up to the pearly gates tarmaccing?

We’ve got some left over from a job we’ve just finished.”

Then God went to the Americans. They also wanted an example. ‘Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbours Ass’.

Unfortunately God had chosen San Francisco. The general opinion of San Francisco was that they quite fancied a bit of their neighbour’s ass, so again the answer was “Not interested!”

Then God went to the Argentineans. They also wanted an example. ‘Thou Shall Not Bear False Testimony’. “You mean we can’t lie?” asked the Argentineans, incredulously. “So, just for example, if someone was to score a goal by handball, we couldn’t all run around like demented pratts celebrating and demanding it was allowed, even thought we knew full-well that it was handball? Not interested!”

Finally, God got round to the Jews. “I have some Commandments for you,” He said. “How much are they?” the Jews enquired.

“Er – well, nothing. They’re free.”

“Great!” said the Jews. “We’ll take ten,” Editor’s Note: If you feel that your race, creed, religion or beliefs have been discriminated against because they were not insulted by the above joke please email us, and we’ll do our very best to insult you in the next issue.

Last year a survey was undertaken to find out if men enjoyed sex in the shower.

The result showed that the vast majority of men did enjoy sex in the shower. The survey proved that supporters of Celtic football club had enjoyed it more than any other football club – a massive 86%! The remaining 14% of Celtic fans said they’d never been to prison.

the man. “Never better!”

“Did you go onto Guinness?” the doc asked.

“No,” replied the man, “I put the missus on lager.”

One pissed off moth with a very high voice.

Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he had his cock stuck in the chicken.

How can you tell Dolly Parton’s children? There the What’s pink and hard? A ones with stretch marks round pig with a flick-knife. their mouths.

A girl’s boarding school My wife has picked up the habit of doing the splits fifty times An Irishman was shagging a before we go to bed Jewish girl. He said, “You’re every night. Personnot very tight for a Jewish girl.” ally I think that’s She replied, “And you’re not stretching it a bit. very thick for an Irishman!”

I went to the hairdressers the other day

Did you hear

about the campodweller who had a and after he’d finished he said, day out in her nearest village? She got a cab “Would you like anything on it?” I said, “Yes, a pair of knick- home and asked if it was OK to leave four ers because you’ve made me bottles of wine and look a right c*nt!” half a paella on his A man went to the doctors back seat (in pidgin to complain about his sex life. Spanish of course!).

He said, “OK,” so she He said he couldn’t touch the sides. The doc asked him what leaned over and threw up. he drank. He said lager. The doc said that’s the problem.

If you have one Lager shrivels things up. He mothball in your left said to drink Guinness. hand and one Six weeks later they bumped mothball in your right into each other and the doc hand what have you asked how things were going.

“Absolutely brilliant!” enthused got?

21

had a power failure. The headmistress phoned up Iberdrola and said, “Send some men quickly, my girls are using candles.”

1st leper: How are you?

2nd leper: Mustn’t crumble.

Hear about the campodweller who was caught urinating in their local village high street by a policeman?

The cop said, “Put that away and stop immediately!”

The campo-dweller did up his fly and the policeman walked away. The campo-dweller started to roar with laughter.

“What are you laughing about?” another campo-dweller asked him. The first one replied, “I put it away but I didn’t stop.”

In the courtroom all was quiet. Suddenly a man burst in, a scarf wrapped around his face. He walked up to the first woman he sees and fondles her bosom. He runs from woman to woman doing the same thing to each one. He then rushes out again.

The judge is bemused and asks the usher if this is in order.

The usher replies, “Oh, yes, m’lud. It’s normally recorded as ‘A muffled titter ran around the courtroom.’

An Irishman goes through a red light and is pulled over by a copper. The cop smells booze on his breath so asks him to take a breathalyser test.

The Irishman says he can’t and pulls out a card that reads,

“This man has asthma.”

The policeman says, “No problem, if you’ll accompany me to the station we can give you a blood test.”

“I’m sorry but that’s impossible too.” He pulls out another card, this one to show he has leukaemia.

“Well,” remarks the officer, “never mind, we can give you a urine test at the station instead.”

“No,” says Paddy, and takes out another card saying, ‘Please don’t take the piss out of the Irish.”

though preferable not overnight.

The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana doesn’t soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl.

If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully.

NOTE: Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens.

If cake rises leave town immediately.

The Smuggler’s Guide to Annoying People • Specify that your drivethru order is ‘to go’.

The Smuggler’s Recipe Page • If you have a glass eye, tap – Banana Cake on it occasionally when talking to others.

INGREDIENTS: • Make bleeping noises what 2 laughing eyes a large person backs up.

2 well shaped legs • Finish all your sentences 2 loving arms with the words, “In accordance 2 firm milk containers with prophesy.”

2 nuts, fur-lined mixing bowl, • Wear a special hip-holster and firm banana. for the remote control.

METHOD: • Signal that a conversation Look into laughing eyes. is over by clamping your hands Spread well-shaped legs slowly. over your ears.

Squeeze and massage milk con- • Publicly investigate just tainers very gently until furhow slowly you can make a lined mixing blow is well croaking noise. greased. Check frequently • ONLY TYPE IN UPPERwith finger.

CASE. Meanwhile ensure that loving • only type in lower case. arms are attached to firm ba• dont use any punctuation nana. either Add firm banana to fur-lined • Buy a large quantity of mixing bowl gently. Work in orange traffic cones and reand out until well creamed. route whole streets.

For best results continue to • Pay for your meal with knead milk containers.

1cent coins.

As heat rises plunge banana • Leave tips in Bolivian curdeep into fur-lined mixing rency. bowl, cover with nuts, sigh • As much as possible, skip with relief. Leave to soak, al22

rather than walk.

• Ask people what gender they are.

• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

• Change your name to ‘John Aaaaaaasmith’ for the glory of being the first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce every ‘a’.

• Make appointments for the 31st September.

• Chew on pens you’ve borrowed.

“Hello Adam,” says God, “have you seen Eve?” “Yes,” replied Adam, “She’s having a swim in the lake.”

“Sh*t!” says God, “Get her out of there, I don’t want fish smelling like that!”

With the school holidays coming up MFI are struggling to keep up with demand for their new ‘Shannon Drawer Divan’.

They are so popular because they can keep kids quiet for up to four weeks.

John was a salesman's

delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day Captain Bluebeard arrives John came home with another on deck and calls, “Where’s me one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed buccaneers?” was actually a lie detector.

The first mate calls back, It was about 5:30 that after“Under your buckin’ hat!” noon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home Man gets the words, “I from school. Tommy was over Love You” tattooed on his 2 hours late. penis. He goes home and 'Where have you been? Why shows his wife. She says, are you over 2 hours late get“There you go again, trying to ting home?' asked John. put words in my mouth!”

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

Had my first gig as a stand The robot then walked around up comedian last night at an old the table and slapped Tommy, persons’ home. I don’t think knocking him completely out of they got any of my gags but his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a they still pissed themselves. lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house 23

and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,

'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.

a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from The FBI had an opening her brow. 'This gun is loaded for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews with blanks' she said. 'I had and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a to beat him to death with the woman. chair For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed A passenger in a taxi leaned him a gun. 'We must know that over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the you will follow your instrucshoulder. The driver screamed, tions no matter what the cirlost control of the cab, nearly cumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches a chair . Kill her!!' The man from a large said, 'You can't be serious. I plate glass wincould never shoot my wife.' dow. For a few The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. moments eveTake your wife and go home.' rything was The second man was given the silent in the same instructions. He took the cab, and then the still shaking gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 min- driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you utes. The man came out with scared the tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I daylights out of can't kill my wife.' The agent me.' The frightsaid, 'You don't have what it ened passenger takes. Take your wife home.' apologized to Finally, it was the woman's the driver and turn. She was given the same said he didn't instructions, to kill her husrealize a mere band. She took the gun and tap on the went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. shoulder could frighten him so They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After much. The 24

driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab....................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

25

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies:

for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connecat a job interview and will reply to tion. Your message has not been you if I fail to get the position. delivered. Please restart your comPlease be prepared for my mood. puter and try sending again. (The 2. You are receiving this automatic beauty of this is that when you notification because I am out of the return, you can see who did this office. If I was in, chances are you over and over and over....?) wouldn't have received anything 7. Thank you for your message, at All. which has been added to a queuing 3. Sorry to have missed you, but system. You are currently in 352nd I'm at the doctor's having my brain place, and can expect to receive a and heart removed so I can be reply in promoted to our management Approximately 19 weeks. team.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what 4. I will be unable to delete all the you've just sent me. Please wait by emails you send me until I return your PC for my response. from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the 9. I've run away to join a different circus. order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your 10. I will be out of the office for credit card has been charged £5.99 the next two weeks for medical Reasons. When I

1. I am currently out of the office

26

return, please refer to me as 'Sue' instead of Steve.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her To come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what’ You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were here. When I got shot, you were by my side. When

we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, F**k off.'

A Russian woman

'Is that you, Fred? ' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.'

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset.'

eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, Three women die together in an accident and go to long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The says, 'We only have one rule happy woman says, 'I wonder here in heaven: don't step on what I did to deserve being the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there chained to youfor all of eternity?' are ducks all over the place.

The guy says, 'I don't know It is almost impossible not to about you, but I stepped on a step on a duck, and although duck‌.. they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with A couple made a deal that the ugliest whoever died first would come man she ever saw. St. Peter back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear chains them together and was that there was no says, 'Your afterlife. punishment After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to for stepping on a duck is his wordhe made contact: to spend 'Mary. Mary.' married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Chesterfield. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

27

Church Bulletins The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium

cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet 28

at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge Up Yours too.'

BBQ. RULES We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part: (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(11) The man asks the woman how (5) The woman goes inside to she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, organize the plates and cutlery. upon seeing her annoyed reaction, (6) The woman comes out to tell concludes that there's just no the man that the meat is burning. pleasing some women....

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again: (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: “Jeremiah I can’t sleep. Tell me (10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his again about what the savages do to cooking efforts. the women they capture.”

29

EURO 2008 EXTRAVAGANZA Following the `piss poor´ Costa Blanca reaction of English expats, to St George’s Day, Royturds News Agency is proud to announce that it has found a way to make all English hearts swell with pride, almost to the point of bursting; though no further, as this can be fatal in most cases.

We have, on our own initiative, pulled out all the stops in an effort to create more patriotic interest during the coming summer. What better way to show loyalty to the nation that you’ve turned your back on, than by getting whole-heartedly behind our boys at Euro 2008; being jointly hosted by Switzerland and Austria. Never will England have a better chance of winning their first piece of silverware in 42 years, than with this collection of superstars.

We feel we can create the perfect catalyst by organising a series of match-day events along the coast. After going to great lengths, and expense, we have arranged the purchase of the following: Beach Areas: The shortterm rental, and cordoning off, of 10 beaches along the Costa Blanca, from the 7th of June, through till the 29th June.

Super Screens: The hiring of 10 high-definition, Super-GiantSized widescreen LCD mobile event-screens, with Dolby surround sound; all specially flown in from the U.S.A. Memorabilia: 20,000 each of; T-shirts, beach hats, umbrellas,

towels, beer mugs, and flags, all imprinted with `Royturds Says, GO-ENGLANDGO´, in fluorescent red, white and blue.

Drink: 200,000 litres of specially canned 6.8 % Vol. lager, bearing the humorous logo, ` I Don’t Drink Becks; Cos´Becks Is The Number One Player For England; Not a Drink That Tastes Like P*ss´.

Song Sheets: 20,000 song sheets containing the lyrics of all your favourite footie related songs, such as; ´Abide with Me´, `Walk On´, `Muppet on the Wing´, `Ing-ger-land…Ingger-land´, and everyone’s favourite, `You’re Going Home in a F*cking Ambulance´; plus many, many more.

Food: Several tons of pork scratchings.

We’ve also arranged for some great ex-England stalwarts to fly in and make surprise guest appearances, and give us their expert opinions on England’s performances. Mighty legends like; Trevor Whymark*, Steve Bull*, Chris Powell*, Steve Guppy*, and Wayne Rooney**, who will be available for autographs, photographs, and Q&A sessions about their thrilling exploits whilst wearing the three lions upon their chests.

Due to security rea30

sons, and the expected high demand, tickets will not be available on the day of a game***, but will be competitively priced at only 10.00€****each. Hurry though; as they’re selling fast. Only England games will be broadcast; therefore no foreigners will be allowed entrance. Check local press for details and kick-off times.

So come on you England fans; let’s get behind the boys, and make this a summer to remember.

June 2008: Royturds News Agency

Facelift.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get

some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

31

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

“Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get Married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.�

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? £124,237.64" replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Nah, nah......he came in here

to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

Giggles 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our 2) Police reveal that a woman lawn in February 1946, they arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo) When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. “ Two elephants walk off a (The Manchester Evening cliff...... boom boom!”

News) 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian) 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times) 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and 32

“Listen, lets put away these silly clubs, run up to my place and you can really show me how to swing”

33

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do change, please give it to a apologise for the delay to your registered charity. Failing that, service. I know you're all dying give it to me." to get home, unless, of course, 7) During an extremely hot you happen to be married to rush hour on the Central Line, my ex-wife, in which case you'll the driver announced in a want to cross over to the West Indian drawl: "Step right Westbound and go in the this way for the sauna, ladies opposite direction." and gentleman... unfortunately, 2) "Your delay this evening is towels are not provided." caused by the line controller 8) "Let the passengers off the suffering from E & B syndrome: train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go not knowing his elbow from his on then, stuff yourselves in like backside. I'll let you know any sardines, see if I care further information as soon as - I'm going home...."

I'm given any."

9) "Please allow the doors to 3) "Do you want the good close. Try not to confuse this news first or the bad news? with 'Please hold the doors The good news is that last Fri- open.' The two are distinct and day was my birthday and I hit separate instructions." the town and had a great time. 10) "Please note that the beepThe bad news is that there is a ing noise coming from the points failure somewhere bedoors means that the doors tween Stratford and East Ham, are about to close. It does not which means we probably mean throw yourself or your won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street...As you can see, Baker Street is closed.

It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, 34

bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors."

(Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees It filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three Tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says.

"Here's what you need to do: "First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

A redneck is driving down a back road in South Carolina.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL Lobster Tail and Beer "Lord Almighty," he says to himself, "my three favourite things!!" “So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."“ 35

Having a few beers after golf yesterday and one of the guys of German descent was having a hard time of it. We are getting new shirts and he was asked in a joking manner which side he wanted his swastika. He stood up and said in a loud voice "I'm sick of all this shit. I'll have you know that my Granddad died in a concentration camp "Well you could have heard a pin drop in the embarrassed silence. "He got pissed one night and fell out of the guard tower"I for one fell off my chair laughing.

A new US Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraq desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges'. The camel can stay.'

I urgently needed a few About a month later, the Capdays off work, but, I knew the tain starts having his own Boss would not allow me to 'urges' and asks the First Sertake leave. I thought that geant to bring the camel to his maybe if I acted "Crazy" then tent. Putting a ladder behind he would tell me to take a few the camel, the Captain stands days off. So I hung upside-down on the ladder, pulls his pants on the ceiling and made funny down and has wild, insane sex noises. My co-worker (who's with Molly. When he's done, blonde) asked me what I was he asks the First Sergeant, 'Is doing. I told her that I was prethat how the men do it?' tending to be a light bulb, so No not really, sir... 'They usuthat the Boss might think I was ally just ride the camel into "Crazy" and give me a few days town where the girls are. off. A few minutes later the Two gay gentlemen are Boss came into the office and walking through a zoo. They asked, "What in the name of come across the gorillas and good GOD are you doing?" I after a while they notice that told him I was a light bulb. the male gorilla has a massive He said, "You are clearly erection. The gay men are fasstressed out." go home and cinated by this. One of the men recuperate for a couple of just can't bear it any longer and days." I jumped down and walked out of the office... when he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, my co-worker (the blonde) drags him into the cage and followed me, the Boss asked mates with him for six hours her, and where do you think you're going?!" (You're gonna non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back love this....)

She said, "I'm going home, too. out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken I can't work in the dark.

36

away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?', he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. Doc advises: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should Have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from fuckin' skippin'" the Irishman said..

This is the cleanest joke I've come across in a long while! A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?'

She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded, 'Oh. ! Killing any?'

She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked.

'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Another Song Girls Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala When the day is dawning On an Oliva Sunny morning How I long to be out there With Kiko who's walking with me there In the local bar ha ha ha ha ha Where I used to have a jar ha ha ha ha ha We ain't very welcome As where my Kiko's friends are I don’t know who stole the Amarillas Every night I've been bitting my pillas Dreaming dreams of Amarillas And sweet Kiko who is not guilty Show me who took the Amarillas He’s been yapping like a sorearse The guy that lost the Amarillas About sweet Kiko who pleads not guilty Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala And Kiko who walks with me There's a rumour ringing Hear the story of theft that it's singing About my sweet Kiko and the guy who's blaming him Just beyond the Aurora, there's an open town And it keeps me and Kiko going when were feeling down I don’t know who stole the Amarillas Every night I've been bitting my pillas Dreaming dreams of Amarillas And sweet Kiko who is not guilty Show me who took the Amarillas He’s been yapping like a sorearse The Twat that lost the Amarillas About sweet Kiko who pleads not guilty Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala Sha la la lala lalala And Kiko who walks with me 37

Irish math's test An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9..''Without numbers?' The Irishman says, 'Dat is easy,' and proceeded to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asked.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' said the Irishman.

'Fair enough,' said the boss.

'Here's your second question.

Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each

tree. 'Ere you go' The boss scratched his head and said, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat’s 99.'

The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.

One hundred.' The boss looked at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that

38

represents a hundred!'

The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, 'A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.'

'So, when do I start?'

KIDS IN CHURCH? 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you.

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.

'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

39

LIKE WE NEEDED PROOF Proof that the world is NUTS In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times (A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than going blind!)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

Breaking news from Reuters: Fire Damages Presidential Library, Washington, DC

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

Both of his books have been lost.

The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, he had not finished colouring the second one.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if “If sex was an Olympic event you’d be he had done his a natural---once every four years chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. kick the pig, His mother tells him he can't so you don't get any bacon, for have any breakfast until he a week either. I also saw you does his chores. kick the cow, so, for a week Well, he's a little ticked off, so you aren't getting any milk." he goes to feed the chickens, Just then, his father comes and kicks a chicken. He goes to down for breakfast and kicks feed the cows, and he kicks a the pussycat as he's walking cow. He goes to feed the pigs, into the kitchen. and he kicks a pig.

The little boy looks up at his He goes back in for breakfast mother with a smile, and says: and his mother gives him a "Are you going to tell him, or bowl of dry cereal. should I? " "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you 40

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over, the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco’s with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco’s, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't!

The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?

Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!

you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Colin asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "Yes In a minute Colin."

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.? Every evening, she goes to Bomber’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Bomber’s bar?"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi Three friends from the asked, "What's wrong?" The local congregation were asked, man replied, "My wife is poi"When you're in your casket, soning me." The Rabbi, very and friends and congregation surprised by this, asks, "How members are mourning over can that be?" The man then you, what would you like them pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certo say?" Arthur said: "I would tain she's poisoning me, what like them to say I? Was a won- should I do?" The Rabbi then derful husband, a fine spiritual offers, "Tell you what. Let me leader, and a great family man." talk to Edward commented: "I would her, I'll see what I can find out like them to say I was a wonand I'll let you know." A week derful teacher and servant of later the Rabbi calls the man God who made a huge differand says, "Well, I spoke to ence in people's lives." Alan your wife. I spoke to her on said: "I'd like them to say, the phone for three hours. You "Look, he's moving!" want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Colin climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough “For Sale: Wedding dress, to talk to God. Looking up, he size 8. Worn once, by misasks the Lord... "God, what take.” does a million years mean to “Q: ALL your responses you?" The Lord replies, "A minmust be oral, ok? What ute." Colin asks, "And what school did you go to? does a million dollars mean to A: Oral.”

41

New Descriptive MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

42

said 'I careered off the road.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks..

They charged one and let the other one off.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' and I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' and I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "well don't go to those places" I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

43

Can’t Believe You Asked.

A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: And Mr. Pennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was Q: Do you know if your daughter doing an autopsy.

Q: How was your first marriage has ever been involved in voodoo Q: Doctor, before you performed terminated? A: By death. or the occult? the autopsy, did you check for a Q: And by whose death was it A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: pulse? terminated?

We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, vooA: No. Q: Did you check for blood doo.

Q: Can you describe the individpressure? A: No. Q: Did you check ual? A: He was about medium for breathing? A: No. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that height and had a beard.

Q: So, then it is possible that the when a person dies in his sleep, he Q: Was this a male or a female? patient was alive when you began doesn't know about it until the the autopsy? A: No. next morning? A: Did you actually Q: Is your appearance here this pass the bar exam? morning pursuant to a deposition Q: How can you be so sure, notice which I sent to your attor- Doctor? A: Because his brain was Q: The youngest son, the twentysitting on my desk in a jar. ney? A: No, This is how I dress year-old, how old is he?

Q: But could the patient have still when I go to work. been alive, nevertheless?

Q: Were you present when your Q: Doctor, how many autopsies A: Yes, it is possible that he could picture was taken? have you performed on dead peo- have been alive and practising law Q: So the date of conception (of ple? somewhere. the baby) was August 8th?

A: All my autopsies are performed “There are two occasions A: Yes. on dead people. when I didn’t understand my Q: And what were you doing at Q: Do you recall the time that you wife: Before marriage and that time? examined the body? A: The auafter marriage.”

Q: She had three children, right? topsy started around 8:30 p.m.

44

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience? In picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will Have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Reason Why It's So Hard to Solve an Essex murder: The entire DNA is the same.

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.” We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

The reason MP’s try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea” 45

The Ragged Clown/The ing to be from the future, with for another 10 minutes, until I finally snapped. “Look!” I Eurovision Porn Contest orders to kill me! As he apPreviously on Ragged Clown: Jobless, humiliated and unfairly imprisoned in a Costa Blanca mental institution, the Ragged Clown believes things cannot get worse. But they will! Unbeknowest, unbeknownest, unbeknowned. He doesn’t know that, under the orders of the Arch Angel Schwarzenegger, head of the evil Costa Blanca Snooze empire Sir Ian Brewer has sent his deadly assistant back in time to kill him…

Dearest Wife Things are ever more confusing here. The other day a real bright light appeared in my padded cell. As I recoiled in horror a man appeared, claim-

proached me I asked, “But why?” He said that in 25 years time my writings will form the basis of a new religion which will spread peace, love and harmony throughout the world, ending hunger, banishing hatred and stopping another new series of Gladiators in its tracks!

I said, “Well, er, isn’t that a good thing?”

He sighed, lowered his chopper, and said, “Well, ordinarily I’d agree with you, but, you see, it’s not that simple. You see, the thing is, in a manner of speaking, what I’m trying to say is…” He continued in this mindmind-numbingly dull way

shouted, “just get to the point, or kill me. I can’t take any more of this blithering!!!”

“But that’s just it!” he exclaimed. “The blithering, if you take my meaning. For years, English language magazines and newspapers on the Costa Blanca have got away with publishing any old tat. Usually called ‘advertorials’. You know the sort of thing, “George Smythe

and his wife Mildred had a dream. A dream to bring the real taste of traditional British fish and chips to the Costa Blanca. Well, that dream is about to be realised at their new shop in Benidorm…” or

ia d n Ga

46

some such crap. And then you came along, with your original writing, stuff people actually wanted to read, and it upset the apple cart. Suddenly writers had to start thinking about what they printed. Their cosy little lives were suddenly put at risk.

That is why you have to die!”

With that he grabbed hold of his big chopper, and lunged at me.

Unfortunately for him, the cleaning in some Spanish institutions is not always what it should be. He slipped on a bit of shit (well they don’t have ensuite bathrooms in padded cells you know!).

While he was momentarily off

balance I stuck the boot in (told you my big floppy feet would come in useful one day!). He went down and I did what comes naturally to anyone who has lived on the Costa Blanca for any length of time - I kicked a man while he was down!

While I was merrily getting stuck in I noticed him rubbing his chopper. It must have had some sort of escape mechanism in it because the same real bright light appeared and when it faded he’d disappeared.

I explained all this to my doctor and he said it was obviously the deranged ramblings of a fruitcake. But I know I’m not crazy. I know it all really

47

happened. Anyway, getting on for paella time so I’d better be off.

Your loving husband, Rag P.S. Please send more porn.

I’ve used up the last lot and am now reduced to using old copies of ‘Female Focus’. For God’s sake have pity and send some new stuff.

Dear Rag Thanks for the letter.

Can’t think of a lot to say.

Your loving wife, Mrs Rag Dearest wife Things are getting worse here.

Am now starting to doubt my own sanity. I was sure that

the incident with the man from the future actually happened. But now… perhaps I am imagining things.

On Sunday, I thought I saw the UK’s entry in the Eurovision Song Contest beaten by all the other countries – even Spain! But that can’t be true, can it? I just don’t know anymore, perhaps I am lala-la.

Anyway, still waiting for the porn.

Lots of love, Rag Dear Rag Er.. Don’t be ridiculous! How could the Spanish song beat the UK song? Absolute madness! Look, keep up the treatment and I’m sure all will be well.

Love, Mrs Rag. P.S. More copies of Female Focus on the way.

Dearest Wife

No, you don’t understand! I don’t want any more copies of the Female Focus. I need some… Oh, what’s the point? I’m off to my therapy. See you soon, Rag. Has The Ragged Clown seen the last of the deadly assassin from the future? Will he ever be released from his padded cell? Will he ever get his hands on some decent porn? All this and more in next month’s Smuggler.

“If you think your lonely. Put yourself in my place. Here’s the keys.”

48

Just For The Girls.

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .

Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .

You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take

soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara .

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps .

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Mr Duck duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

49

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the

barman says to Him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer One day a little scouser dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven. He knocks on the doors and eventually they are opened by St Peter himself.

"Age?" Peter asks.

"24" the little scouser replied.

"Where did you live?"

Shuffling his feet, the scouser

replies, "Well, um, er, Liverpool" At once, St Peter’s eyes look him up and down.

"Were you blue or were you red?" asked St. Peter. "Red till I died" replied the scouser.

"Sorry, but no L.F.C. scousers are allowed into heaven. They are all robbing little twats.

This is decreed by God Himself!"

St Peter starts to close the Gates, but the scouser, alarmed, sticks his foot in the door, "Please, wait, give me a chance”, pleads the scouser, ”I have done good things." "Good things?“ asks St Peter, “Like what?" "Well, last week I gave a tenner to Help The Aged. The week before that I gave a tenner to Oxfam, and the day I died I gave a tenner to The British Heart Foundation!"

"Well, that may possibly alter things”, says St Peter, “Wait here, and I’ll explain the situation to God. He may make an exception in your case" After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by God who is wearing an MUFC red shirt.

"St Peter has informed me of your benevolence and generosity towards the worthy causes, giving away thirty pounds to charity, 50

and we have pondered long and hard with the anomalies surrounding this dilemma, and, eventually, I think we have come up with a manageable solution" God said.

Elated, the scouser asked, "What is it?"

"Well”, says God, “Here’s your thirty quid……now piss off!"

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Two senior consultants, Dr. Green and Dr. Wilson at The Royal Hospital Manchester, had been suspended following accusations that they had been found brawling on the wards.

The Board of the hospital, witnesses, and representatives of the B.M.A. attended a tribunal to decide the fate of the two consultants. It was evident one would have to be dismissed.

The first witness, Staff Nurse Jane Adams, gave her evidence.

“I saw them punching, kicking, and head butting each other on Ward B-3” she testified, “I pulled them apart. I could see that Dr. Green was distraught.

Tears were streaming down his cheeks. I calmed him down and asked what the problem was?

Dr Green sobbed and said it was all about a patient on B-3 Ward. I asked him which one, and he said the one with the Liverpool FC pyjamas. He said Dr Wilson had just told the patient that he only had one week to live. I told Dr Green that the diagnosis was correct,

the patient did only have one week to live and that he had to be told this. With a wail, Dr Green then said that he knew that, but he wanted to tell the bastard!!!”

This Department of Environment representative stops at a farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells him, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The environment representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?" The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the

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old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs....."Your card! Show him your card!"

Chinese man decides

wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to move to Australia after 50 to put the welcome on hold for years of living in Shanghai. yet another day. A day later he He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he moving in the friendly Aussie sees the Chinese man leading a neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to guy to the region, so he goes the bull's bum. The Aussie next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chi- bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man nese man running around his and says "Jeez Mate, what the front yard chasing about 10 hell is it with your Chinese hens not wanting to interrupt customs? I come over to welthese "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on come you to the neighbourhold for the day. The next day, hood, and see you running he decides to try again, but just around the yard after hens. as he is about to knock on the The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then front door, he looks through today you have your head so the window and sees the close to that bull's bum, it Chinese man urinate into a could just about shit on you." glass and then drink it. Not

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The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man, " He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit". “My husband and I divorced

over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.�

Not for the New World Man How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God

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created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Sports Report Pro-footballers `Out of Control´ Professional footballers have had a torrid time in the media over the years. Unacceptable behaviour that has included stealing jewellery from a shop in Mexico, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act, rape, and most of societies problems. Further despicable behaviour, from another group of these overpaid primadonnas, has recently been brought to the attention of Royturds News Agency.

Margaret Snodgrass has been the landlady of `The Pits´ pub, in a quiet Nottinghamshire village, for over 60 years now.

However, she was shocked by the antics of a half dozen professional footballers, who ply their trade in the lower reaches of the 2nd division (old 4th division), when they paid a visit to her hostelry.

Margaret has been a popular person in her six decades as the local hostess, resulting in her being given several personable nicknames over her life; ranging from Glad-Rags Mags, Slag-Bag Mags, Fag-Hag Mags, to the catchy present-day Old Hag-Bag Mags. Her account left us very nearly interested.

“I’m all for people having a good time in my establishment; anyone will tell you that.

There’s Old Bert in the corner there. He’s here most days; with his dog Albert. He’s going blind so has a little trouble getting to the toilet. Bert that is, not Albert. Albert just sits around producing a God awful

stench. Or is it the other way round? I can’t remember. Well, that’s it for locals really.

We sometimes have a bit of a rush on pension day when we can get up to four extra visitors; but my husband, Herbert, and granddaughter Kylie, are usually here to give me a hand. Kylie´s only eighteen and a little naïve; though she is doing a Masters degree in hairdressing at the local college.”

“Anyway, it was a normal Saturday evening; just Bert, Albert, Herbert and me. Then I noticed a couple of flash cars pull onto the car park and I thought, eh-up, could be trouble here! Not many folk round these parts drive around in shiny three year old Mon55

deo´s. Anyone with one of those wants to get noticed. I was on the phone to Kylie straight away and explained the situation. She seemed quite

keen to come and help. Then they entered the pub. I knew their kind straight away. They were all wearing new clothes from places like H&M and ASDA. When guys dress like that, they must have money to burn. And they all had mobile phones. I thought to myself, `flash gits´! Then they ordered six pints of lager. SIX PINTS! Thankfully Herbert was here as I’d never have been able to cope. So I gave those guys my stern look, making it clear to them that I wasn’t going to put up with any funny business”.

“To say they were boisterous would be an understatement. I hadn’t heard so much noise in here since VE day. They were laughing and joking like they didn’t have a care in the world.

They were straight onto the pool table. I haven’t seen that many twenty-pence pieces since Children in Need night, 1985. They’d only been in for half an hour before they ordered another round. I thought, `Shit´! These guys are

serious drinkers´. We had a job to keep up with cleaning the glasses. I hadn’t had such a rush on beer since Jubilee year.

It was then that Kylie turned up and informed me that they were footballers. I ordered her to stay away from them. I’d read enough to know what those lot get up to”.

“After their fourth round they started singing all these disgusting songs. Things like `We’re shit, and we know we are´, and I remember thinking to myself, `This is going to kick off in a moment´. So I gave them my `don’t mess with me´, stare.

That soon shut them up. They started playing darts for money, instead. Nearest the bull I think it was. Fifty-pence a game. These guys obviously had money to throw away. I haven’t seen so many ten-bob coins since..,uhhh…, well ever”.

“By half nine I’d had enough. I told them that we’d completely run out of beer and that I had in fact already rung last orders.

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It wasn’t my fault they hadn’t heard; the noisy bastards! It was then that Kylie had a word with one of them, and they all agreed to leave peacefully.

Good job really; I can be quite handy with a beer towel. As they departed I told them not to `darken our doorstep´ again. We’ve no time for philanderers and rapists. Kylie then offered to make me and Herbert a Horlicks while we turned-in for the night. She even offered to clean up the bar. She’s so sweet. I went out like a light, I can tell you”.

Averagely attractive Kylie (18) then gave us her side of the story; from the privacy of the snug.

“Gran can be a little old fashioned in her ways. It beats me how this place hasn’t been shut down before now. The juke box still has records by some blokes called Bill Haley and his meteorites. Not that anyone uses it. It only accepts something called hae´pennies. We’ve even got pork scratchings with

a 1974 sell-by date. There’s eighteen crates of something called Double Diamond out back. Every now and then one of the bottles explodes. Personally, I’m more concerned about the dozen or so five-pint party-cans of Watneys Red. It’s amazing how far those things can expand”.

“Anyway, she always phones me when there’s a bit of a rush on. That particular night sounded interesting, as no-one under the age of sixty ever comes in here; and half of them confuse us for the chippy. So I rushed on over as fast as I could, and recognised some of the players straight away, cos´ they have their hair permed at the college for a tenner. Fair enough, they were fit looking guys; compared to Bert any-

way. Not much in the way of looks, but at least they had a few quid. Despite what gran says, I thought that they were a bit subdued. A few pints, a game of pool and then some darts? Not exactly the lifestyle you’d expect from a pro footballer, is it? So I decided to step things up a gear”.

“I phoned my mates, Shaz and Trace, and told them to get some gear together, put on there cleanest boob-tubes, and wait for my text. Then when Gran started getting really arsey with the players, I had a quiet word with the keeper. I told them if they left now, they could come back in an hour for a party. I then made a hot drink, laced with sleeping tablets, for gran and grandad, and sent them off to bed. Then I

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sent the text”.

“By the time the guys had returned, me and the girls had some set up some music, and produced a lethal punch, made from everything we could find behind the bar. We started with a few drinks and a dance, then introduced the fellas to cocaine snorting off our buttocks. After a few games of strip darts, me and my mates got a damn good roasting on the pool table. I recorded it all on the security cameras; then downloaded it onto Youtube.

Do you want to watch it with me? Apparently it’s caused a bit of a stink. I don’t know why. I mean… boys will be boys”.

June 2008: Royturds News Agency.

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of

food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm going to give you the money, and I am also going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied,

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"That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, golf, and sex."

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor.

"The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Dear Uncle Gerrard Dear Uncle Gerrard, On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, trying to kill me instantly.

Mrs B. Barx.

Dear Uncle Gerrard, Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Denia.

Dear uncle Gerrard, Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on Dear Uncle Gerrard, a 700 foot bungee rope If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls was the most terrifying and make the rocking world go dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be round, isn't it about time forgetting that she went that the city of Derby reout with Stan Collymore. ceived some recognition M Duckworth, Gandia. for it's contribution to astrophysics?

Uncle G says, Neil Sedgwick, Yeh! he made her bounce a Calpe. few times.

Uncle Gerrard Says, Well he tried his best!

Dear Uncle Gerrard, We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

George Alcoy.

Dear Uncle Gerrard, So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Pego.

Dear Uncle Gerrard, If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Piles.

Uncle G Says Do the salmon have water proof ones then?

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ARSENAL F.C. End of Season Dinner Dance Starter Egg on Face, Seasoned Hash, Frogs legs (past their best) Dessert Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow) Fruitless Tarts Raspberry Fools Hard Cheese Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

Main course Humble Pie, Chump Chops French (has) Beans Manager's Beef (not rare) Catch of the Day - (gutted) NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

Drinks Bitter, Little Spirit, French Whine.

Cabernet Empty 2008 Champagne - sorry none ordered STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES. NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Guests are asked not to get HAMMERED Guest speaker: Juande Ramos and Jonathan Woodgate - "What it's like to win a Cup" Please note that the club's European Tour for the season 2008-09 is not guaranteed.

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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my fucking shoes on!'

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready,

with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked 'What's tha sellin' ere?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, Tha's doing well ... Only two left!'

Dos niños presumiendo de sus papas: – Mi padre es mejor que el tuyo.

– Bueno, pues mi madre es mejor que la tuya.

– Sí, creo que tienes razón, mi padre dice lo mismo.

El mecánico le dice al cliente: – Bueno, el precio final ha sido un poco más alto que el presupuesto inicial... su 62

batería necesitaba un coche nuevo. ¿Tienes una chocolatina?

– Claro, toma.

– ¿Tienes más?

– No, ahora tengo menos.

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