WEEKETTE! he doesn’t have to. But, “100% of your ads, John, have been negative.” 9:31 PM —Obama says John Lewis was troubled because Palin’s supporters were yelling “terrorist” and “Kill Him!” at Obama’s name. 9:33 PM — McCain: “I’m proud of the people who come to my rallies.” They are patriotic! When they say “Kill him!” And … stunned silence. 9:36 PM — Oh shit, now it is all here, ACORN, “washed up terrorist,” “destroying the fabric of democracy,” “all of these things need to be examined.” 9:37 PM — Obama: “ACORN … paying bums to register votes, people just filled in names to get paid. I represented them alongside the U.S. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. The reason it’s important to get the facts out, I associate with Warren Buffett, and Paul Volcker, and Joe Biden, and Dick Lugar (GOP!), and NATO, the supreme commanders. 9:39 PM — And the squigglies tank. And finally, Obama laughs at McCain. –Ken Layne
The Last Debate in the History of Mankind, Part II How drunk are you people yet? Joe the Plumber is going to be elected President of America, because he has suffered so greatly for all of us, and gotten all of us drunk by being mentioned fourteen billion times by each presidential candidate so far. Bob Schieffer is being a hardass, oh boy! He even asked about Barack Obama’s terrorist pals, and John McCain said he wouldn’t have had to be so mean to Obama if he’d gone to McCain’s abandoned Bingo halls in Metairie. 9:39 PM — Hey speaking of associations, what about that Charles Keating guy that Grampy used to “pal around with”? 9:40 PM — Obama, tell us why Joe Biden is better than Sarah Palin. Without being sexist. 9:41 PM — “The Violence Against Wimmins Act.” Women’s? Blah blah blah, boring boilerplate recapitulation. 9:42 PM —Broads hate this Sarah Palin character, good LORD. “She understands that autism is on the rise.” Yes, that is a very important quality for a vice president to possess. 9:51 PM — South Korea needs more crappy American cars. 9:51 PM — McCain does a close reading of Obama’s response with a canned bit about how he’s eloquent but he lies with his words. Barack Obama has never traveled south of our border, whereas John McCain is secretly Panamanian and had sex with some hot Brazilian model back in the 1930s! 9:56 PM — Here we go, the health care question they have all been so eager to answer. Obama doesn’t really answer the “cut costs or expand coverage?” question, but offers up some anecdote about ladies in Toledo who appeared to be in their 50s. Actually, they were in their late 20s, but they have spent their lives in Toledo. (Cue angry e-mails from Toledo readers.) –SKS Here’s Your Last Debate, Ever, Part III Well hey people, this is the last debate — the number is actually 50, no joke — in this election season. This has been a complete abortion of time. Ours, yours, God’s, ACORN’s. Remember Mike Gravel yelling at Joe Biden and really everyone else in that debate last April, which was 40 years ago? Well, that was actually in this SAME ELECTION CYCLE, and now it’s over forever because of the Economy, here’s a send-off into the hobo space jungle. 10:00 PM — McCain’s health plan: make less fatties. 10:01 PM — HAHAHAHHA here comes Joe the Cummer again, John McCain wants to help Joe the Cummer have more employees, for cumming. 10:01 PM — Oh wow, Barack Obama says Joe the Cummer will have to pay ZERO in penalties if he doesn’t offer his employees health care. McCain stares at him like, “ZERO DOLLARS, HENNGHHHH?” And Obama says yes, because my plan excludes penalties on small businesses, such as professional cumming. 10:03 PM — McCain: “Hey Joe, you’re rich, HENNGHH, congrats, now Black Beauty over here wants to, uh, spread your wealth around, HENNGHH?” Has John McCain ever heard of a progressive tax system, which is what we have and what everyone has? Maybe everyone should pay zero taxes! Then we can just, uh, save America that way, with the no tax thing. HENNGHHHH? 10:09 PM — John McCain would hire LITERALLY FUCKING ANYONE to the Supreme Court, no Litmus Tests for liberals, but he wouldn’t, uh … maybe … eh … well it’s a tough question … carry
the zero … he would half-nominate someone who may have supported Roe v. Wade ever or never. 10:13 PM — Obama voted present for killing babies and such, why would he do that? 10:14 PM — Obama: When I voted present that was really a SECRET MAGICAL UNICORN VOTE for actual global peace and happiness, so fuck you Senator McCain. 10:15 PM — McCain: When the black talks about provisions for “saving the mother’s life” for opposing abortion bans, he doesn’t understand that all women are dumb sluts. 10:18 PM — Last question is about education. Obama talks about his thing to give college kids money if they put Country First. Screw college. More people have college degrees now than ever, and look how that’s worked out. Our biggest achievement in the last 10 years has been credit default swaps. 10:20 PM — McCain wants to BUS THE BLACKS into white neighborhoods with their fancy gay vouchers! Now who does that help? Hitler. It helps Adolf Hitler. 10:24 PM — McCain explains how vouchers helped the Washington, D.C., school system. You remember that, and how it fucking was worthless saved America, don’t you Senator Obama? 10:25 PM — Obama says no vouchers bitch. 10:27 PM — Important Closing Statements. 10:31 PM — Bob Schieffer tells everyone that his mom is making him vote. –JN
DECK THE HALL Festive Music for the Holidays at
WALT DISNEY CONCERT HALL Tue DEC
16
A Chanticleer Christmas
8pm
Thursday He’s Joe the Plumber and He Hates Taxe$$$ So Joe the Plumber is on the teevee this morning with, uh, who is that, Diane Sawyer. Good Morning America. It turns out that Joe does not make $250,000 a year, or anywhere close to that, but he really does hate the idea of a progressive tax system! Do you think he knows that it EXISTS ALREADY? He wouldn’t like that Socialism none too much, mmhmm. Guy just really hates the money taxes, and that’s why he never pays them. –JN GOP Gals Make Hilarious Obama Welfare Coupons The Republican “base” can’t decide if Barack Obama is a fancy educated Harvard elitist or a scary foreign Hawaiian Muslin from the Jungle or just a common fried-chicken & watermelon colored, on welfare. If only they could somehow find out “the truth” about this terrorist who will soon be their American president. Meanwhile, a racist Republican gal in the “Inland Empire” — the poor white trash part of exurban L.A. — sent out her little newsletter to the local GOP ladies, and she illustrated it with this hilarious thing that shows how Barack Obama will be featured on the new food stamps for black people, redeemable for Kentucky Fried Chicken, watermelon, ribs and, uh, Kool-Aid. So funny! The Riverside Press Enterprise reports: She said she doesn’t think in racist terms, pointing out she once supported Republican Alan Keyes, an African-American who previously ran for president. “I didn’t see it the way that it’s being taken. I never connected,” she said. “It was just food to me. It didn’t mean anything else.” She said she also wasn’t trying to make a statement linking Obama and food stamps, although her introductory text to the illustration connects the two: “Obama talks about all those presidents that got their names on bills. If elected, what bill would he be on????? Food Stamps, what else!” What a country! –KL
Holiday Organ Spectacular
Wed DEC
17
David Higgs, organ Lisa Vroman, soprano
8pm
’Twas the Week Before Christmas Los Angeles Philharmonic Sarah Hicks, conductor Members of Westside Ballet, special guests David Prather, host Sun DEC
21
Sat DEC
Sun DEC
2pm
7pm
20 & 21 � Up to half off for children 12 & under
Holiday Sing-Along David Prather, host Angeles Chorale
11:30am & 2:30pm
The Count Basie Orchestra A Swingin’ Christmas
Mon DEC
22 8pm
Tue DEC
23
Soweto Gospel Choir
8pm
Friday Sexpot Congressman Admits Affair, and Another Affair, and Probably Like 900 Million Other Affairs Too Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, the freshman Congressman who took over gay pedophile Mark Foley’s Florida seat in 2006, has confessed that he boned that person Pat, and that he boned another Florida trailer trash county administrator, and that he has boned “multiple” other non-wife gals since forever. When asked HOW MANY EXACTLY, his frightening response was, “You’re asking me over a lifetime?” Yeah, c’mon people, he’s not a freaking abacus, he’s not a math numbers … scientist … expert … guy. The hell kind of a question is that? –JN
New Year’s Eve with Pink Martini Jimmy Scott, special guest
Wed DEC
31 7pm & 10:30pm
Hurry! Just like the holidays, these tickets won’t last.
Wonkette’s Weekette is brought to you by some people, whatever, who are probably about ready for a vacation.
OCTOBER 23-29, 2008 9 LACITYBEAT
LAPhil.com/DeckTheHall • 323.850.2000 Box Office (Tue-Sun, 12-6pm) • Groups (10+) 323.850.2050 Age appropriateness varies by concert. Please call with questions. Programs, artists, prices and dates subject to change. Tickets start at $24.