by Addison DeWitt
NEWS FLASHES! (And a few hot flashes, too.) Don’t bother with a rewrite! Here’s the straight dope. And you read it here first. Unless you read in on Facebook first. Then you read it here second. Anyway ... MY FAVORITE DRAMA QUEEN! And I say that with love, darling ... the fabtastic (if not a little bit hystrionic) B Facebook personality is a real, live boy! Trevor Grant (A) celebrated his birthday at Stacy’s @Melrose by getting White Girl Wasted with his handsome beau Tylor Caruso (who has the patience of Job.) Also on hand was the Lord King God of the Eyebrows, that smoldering sexpot Ricky Sadd—who D always makes me gladd. (You knew that was coming. Didn’t you?) If I could only run barefoot through the hair on his chest ... ARRIVEDERCI: Is it true that the luscious Alex di Gaudio (B) is retiring from the glamorous, prestigious and seductive world of go-go dancing? Say it ain’t so! This humpy, sex-on-a-stick, panty peeler left the boy box behind for a vacation to the Caribbean. The Barbados Tornado— because I bet he tore it up, bitches! TRAVEL ADVISORY: Money, tickets, passports! Alert NATO, the United Nations, the Deutschland’s secret police, the Bundesnachrichtendienst (whydoGermanwordsallruntogether?), and Europol! Bowling kingpins Jason
A
Benjamin and Brett Jones (C) are going to Europe. Watch for an “international incident” report on CNN.
“SNOG ALERT” I say! Those splendid chappies Nick Ray and Daniel Eckstrom (D) quit fannying around and staged a posh reception in Phoenix with plenty of Tucson folk to celebrate their union. These things make me feel all squidgy inside! Cheers, loves! “YOUR CHALUPA OR YOUR LIFE, SEÑOR!” Looks like sweet Jason Hollywood (E) had a hashtagfast-food-fail C when he made a run for the border to Taco Bell. While he was waiting for his Nachos Bellgrande® there was a stick up el restaurante and the bandito absconded with all the Enchiritos and a few pesos. Jason had to wait for hours while the police took eyewitness reports. And he still never got his Chalupas! “I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE ...” Be still my heart! Here’s that dimpled darling Cameron Goebeler and that hunky Kevin Axx. (F) Just because. You’re welcome. Swoon! E
You don’t get this kind of news on FOX, folks. Fortunately. F October 2014 www.IONAZ.com 129