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DECEMBER 3, 2020 | The Jewish Home OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home
Dr. Deb
From Point A to Point B By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
I
had this realization recently: one of the things about regular psychotherapy is that there is no endpoint. There’s a general, vague sense of “Am I getting better? Or happier?” Or “Are we now getting along?” But unlike, say, taking a course to become something like a lawyer or a doctor or a CPA, there are no milestones, no skills to acquire in the usual experience of therapy, at least not explicitly stated ones. On the other hand, an endpoint encourages and motivates the client to accept more responsibility for change. Not only that, what the endpoint looks like, what it actually consists of, becomes clarified through the therapy choices the counselor makes. Let’s take the case of a person who is depressed. That person, just because they are depressed, will have less motivation to practice self-affirming exercises or shift their attention to the positives in their lives. The depression itself – the neuro-chemical interactions in their brain – makes that really hard. Hard, but not impossible. (It can’t be impossible because if it were, we could never be held accountable for our actions. Since we have bechira chafshis, it means we can make choices, however difficult.) So what would that look like? Well, let’s start with the beginning point, Point A. What would that look like? An individual within the context of a marriage might feel: • Hurt, pained • Overwhelmed • Depressed, sad • Confused • Angry • Frustrated • Bored • Blaming • Critical
• Disrespecting • Distant from • Disrespected • Self-pitying • Frightened • Worried • Grieving • Stymied Now, just to make the situation a bit more challenging, the person we are looking at – let’s call her Nancy – says it is all Fred’s fault. Fred has been highly critical and berates Nancy. It would seem, on the surface, that Nancy’s problems would disappear if Fred were kind and sweet. The problem is that Fred is kind and sweet. Sometimes. That is why Nancy married him. And why she has stayed married to him. He is generous to her and the kids, as well as to extended family. He is loving and even helps around the house. Sometimes, as someone once said to me, “people are complex.” They’re usually not black or white but shades of gray. In spite of Fred’s positive qualities, Nancy is hurt, sad, depressed,
and most of the other items on the above list – all due to Fred’s frequent criticisms including sarcasm and an angry tone of voice. So Nancy reaches out for help with all these bad feelings. She has no idea what to do next, and Fred refuses to talk to a therapist or a coach. I used to insist that Fred show up so I could help him, but that isn’t always a great idea. Sometimes the Freds of this world kick the can down the road and will not look at themselves; that is too painful. Sometimes they admit to everything, placate their Nancys, and will not take action to make changes; they really don’t believe they need to and they just don’t want to. What should I call them? Spoiled? Selfish? Arrogant? Perhaps all three. I’ve seen both kinds of Freds and women who do the same thing, too. They are not immune. But when I stopped insisting Fred show up, Nancy would not want to look at herself, either. She always felt that it was Fred’s “fault.” I kind of went along with her. There is support for that position, too. Terry Real who
wrote several books on counseling couples, sees the problems in marriage as mostly arising from a patriarchal outlook: men are entitled and women have to plant a bomb under them to move them into action. Even if that were true, it still requires both people to be seen together so that the therapist could “fix” the man. Something about that approach always bothered me. After all, this wife chose that man. What attracted her about him in the first place? What do they have in common, deep below the surface of “I don’t like football and he doesn’t like shopping”? On that latter subject, the couples I’ve seen are incredibly well-matched when it comes to their sense of Self. They may be equally self-critical, not giving themselves the time of day, putting themselves last, used to thinking of others before themselves, and so on. Often, there is something hidden yet important that they have in common. In any case, I reluctantly came to the conclusion that if only one person showed up to get help, by helping him (or, usually, her) heal themselves and learn the skills of staying healed and not falling into traps set by the partner, the domino effect might occur. Namely, the one person who reached out for help, when helped, could have a positive effect on the other person. Now, we are ready to examine what the endpoint, Point B, would look like. Nancy is calm, and confident. She knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. She is purposeful and courageous – because she knows it will not be easy. She is secure within herself, no longer depressed or anxious. That and the overwhelming feeling have been replaced with clarity. Not only does she no longer beat herself up but she has completely stopped blaming Fred. She realizes that Fred
