by Dr. Deb Hirschhorn

Dr. Deb

From Point A to Point B

By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.

Ihad this realization recently: one of the things about regular psychotherapy is that there is no endpoint.

There’s a general, vague sense of “Am I getting better? Or happier?” Or “Are we now getting along?” But unlike, say, taking a course to become something like a lawyer or a doctor or a CPA, there are no milestones, no skills to acquire in the usual experience of therapy, at least not explicitly stated ones.

On the other hand, an endpoint encourages and motivates the client to accept more responsibility for change. Not only that, what the endpoint looks like, what it actually consists of, becomes clarified through the therapy choices the counselor makes.

Let’s take the case of a person who is depressed. That person, just because they are depressed, will have less motivation to practice self-affirming exercises or shift their attention to the positives in their lives. The depression itself – the neuro-chemical interactions in their brain – makes that really hard.

Hard, but not impossible. (It can’t be impossible because if it were, we could never be held accountable for our actions. Since we have bechira chafshis, it means we can make choices, however difficult.)

So what would that look like?

Well, let’s start with the beginning point, Point A. What would that look like?

An individual within the context of a marriage might feel: • Hurt, pained • Overwhelmed • Depressed, sad • Confused • Angry • Frustrated • Bored • Blaming • Critical • Disrespecting • Distant from • Disrespected • Self-pitying • Frightened • Worried • Grieving • Stymied

Now, just to make the situation a bit more challenging, the person we are looking at – let’s call her Nancy – says it is all Fred’s fault. Fred has been highly critical and berates Nancy. It would seem, on the surface, that Nancy’s problems would disappear if Fred were kind and sweet.

The problem is that Fred is kind and sweet. Sometimes. That is why Nancy married him. And why she has stayed married to him. He is generous to her and the kids, as well as to extended family. He is loving and even helps around the house.

Sometimes, as someone once said to me, “people are complex.” They’re usually not black or white but shades of gray.

In spite of Fred’s positive qualities, Nancy is hurt, sad, depressed, and most of the other items on the above list – all due to Fred’s frequent criticisms including sarcasm and an angry tone of voice. So Nancy reaches out for help with all these bad feelings. She has no idea what to do next, and Fred refuses to talk to a therapist or a coach.

I used to insist that Fred show up so I could help him, but that isn’t always a great idea. Sometimes the Freds of this world kick the can down the road and will not look at themselves; that is too painful. Sometimes they admit to everything, placate their Nancys, and will not take action to make changes; they really don’t believe they need to and they just don’t want to. What should I call them? Spoiled? Selfish? Arrogant? Perhaps all three. I’ve seen both kinds of Freds and women who do the same thing, too. They are not immune.

But when I stopped insisting Fred show up, Nancy would not want to look at herself, either. She always felt that it was Fred’s “fault.” I kind of went along with her. There is support for that position, too. Terry Real who wrote several books on counseling couples, sees the problems in marriage as mostly arising from a patriarchal outlook: men are entitled and women have to plant a bomb under them to move them into action.

Even if that were true, it still requires both people to be seen together so that the therapist could “fix” the man. Something about that approach always bothered me. After all, this wife chose that man. What attracted her about him in the first place? What do they have in common, deep below the surface of “I don’t like football and he doesn’t like shopping”?

On that latter subject, the couples I’ve seen are incredibly well-matched when it comes to their sense of Self. They may be equally self-critical, not giving themselves the time of day, putting themselves last, used to thinking of others before themselves, and so on. Often, there is something hidden yet important that they have in common.

In any case, I reluctantly came to the conclusion that if only one person showed up to get help, by helping him (or, usually, her) heal themselves and learn the skills of staying healed and not falling into traps set by the partner, the domino effect might occur. Namely, the one person who reached out for help, when helped, could have a positive effect on the other person.

Now, we are ready to examine what the endpoint, Point B, would look like.

Nancy is calm, and confident. She knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. She is purposeful and courageous – because she knows it will not be easy. She is secure within herself, no longer depressed or anxious. That and the overwhelming feeling have been replaced with clarity. Not only does she no longer beat herself up but she has completely stopped blaming Fred. She realizes that Fred

is frightened to face himself because he thinks what he will find is ugly. She feels only compassion for Fred.

At the same time, she also recognizes that he has been dishing out unnecessary pain. Probably as much to himself as to her. But it is unnecessary and she does not want it in her life. She also knows that she cannot make ultimatums to Fred because he will get defensive and the whole thing will backfire.

Furthermore, she doesn’t want to. She wants to remain happy within herself. She neither wants to run away from an argument nor to start one. She reached a place of being grateful for the journey she has been on and for the learning she has done. She wants to grow more. She will accept whatever HaKadosh Baruch Hu says is the next step. She is quite certain that abuse should not be part of it.

So, in a loving and gentle tone, she tells Fred that although he perceives it as scary, he will have to undergo counseling to stop his putdowns and anger.

She makes her requirement short and kindly. Her face is soft and caring. He does not feel defensive. He says he does not want to go to counseling, however. Now, she is curious. “Why not?” she asks in a neutral tone.

Fred inhales deeply. Her tone has opened him up. Nancy is his second wife. His first wife and he went to counseling, he explains, and the counselor pounced on him in the very first visit, telling him it was all his fault and that he’d better shape up!

Well, you can see where that logic (or the lack of it) got them. (Dozens of people have told me stories like this, unfortunately.)

But Nancy is not tempted as she once might have been, to say, “Well, that’s true!”

The one person who reached out for help, when helped, could have a positive effect on the other person.

Because in her personal work on herself she rose above that. Blame is out the window as a bad idea from the get-go. But her head is clear and she’s thinking creatively. She has to come up with a response that will be helpful.

“You never told me that story,” she said softly. “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry you went through that humiliation and pain.” There were tears in the back of her eyes, not quite ready to come out, but connecting her and Fred.

Fred was clearly surprised. He had taken a chance to share his vulnerable story and expected to get bashed for it. Instead, his wife was understanding. He felt heard. “Maybe the therapist she went to isn’t the same,” he thought.

Nancy’s journey was impressive but it also laid the groundwork for Fred to make changes himself. And Nancy is prepared to take a big, unpleasant step if he will not do it. She has the perspective on herself and on the relationship that she needs in order to bravely take whatever step she must.

Dr. Deb Hirschhorn is a Marriage and Family Therapist. If you want help with your marriage, begin by signing up to watch her Masterclass at https://drdeb. com/myw-masterclass.