52 90 52
OCTOBER 29, 2015 | The Jewish Home NOVEMBER 5,2015 2020| |The TheJewish JewishHome Home OCTOBER 29,
Dr. Deb
April’s Nervous Part By Deb Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
L
ast week, I wrote about the Internal Family Systems approach to therapy – and healing. I am absolutely fascinated with this way of finding out why we say and do things that we don’t even agree with, why we may not stick to our plans, why life can be so doggone hard. In just a few sessions, people have discovered why they’re hurt inside and how to heal that hurt part of the Self. They discover why their behavior can be contradictory or why they seem so indecisive. They learn why they are like the mother they swore they wouldn’t be like. They find out why they married the person they married and why that turns out to be a good thing. They see what is good about their worst habits and why they’ve stuck around so long. Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with marriage. The answer is: everything. When your marriage is not working, it always takes two people, right? You may argue with me, that that is not true at all – it is the other person’s “fault.” And I will (gently and lovingly) point out that since you married
that person, there must be a reason you were attracted and something you are doing right now that also keeps the pot boiling. And something inside you is keeping you there. And, I would suspect, it is all for a very good reason. Our inner system of functioning is generally very good, not very bad. We are much wiser than we give ourselves credit for. You may not believe this because you may be used to beating yourself up. But I’m here to tell you that it is only a part of you that is doing the beating. And it is only beating a part of you, too. Not your whole Self. Your Self, under the parts that can make chaos and be very confusing, is wise and centered. Which brings me back to marriage. If you really are someone who has been beating yourself up, then that is part of the equation in the marriage. Perhaps that is not helping the marriage get better. Similarly, if you are anxious or sad or blameful or angry, it won’t help the marriage, either. People often come to me telling me of the difficulties they have with their spouse. And I say, you will have
clarity as to how to proceed once you look closely at yourself first. I applaud the people who do want to look at their own way of responding, their own emotions, and their own attitudes. Those are the people likely to either have some effect on changing the dynamics of the marriage or even to have a positive effect on their hesitant spouse to work closely on themselves, too. Let’s take an example. (I’m making this up.) April is 45 years old. She is married with three children. She finds it difficult to create peace for herself at home because her husband could flare up at her unexpectedly. For example, one time recently, he walked in the door, mad. She doesn’t know why, but he generally takes it out on her. She is now a nervous wreck because of it, and she wasn’t nervous prior to the marriage. Doing IFS work, however important – eventually – to the health of the marriage to talk about your spouse, is done by yourself and about yourself, not about your spouse. When I explained that to April, it made her happy to think that she could focus on herself, finally. It didn’t all have to be
about her difficult husband. Since I told her we want to get to understand her better, it would be good if she could suggest which part of herself we should get to know first. “My anxiety,” she answered immediately. “I’ve become a nervous wreck, and I can’t stand it.” “Ah,” I commented, “so you have two parts within you that don’t get along. There’s the nervous part that is pretty much with you most of the time, and then there is a critical part that doesn’t like the nervous part.” “Yes, that’s true,” she replied. “Which part do you want to focus on first?” I asked. “Let’s do the nervous part,” April answered. At this point, I asked April to close her eyes and focus internally. I asked her to ask both parts, the nervous part and the critical part, to step back a few feet away from her. I realize this is all imaginative, but something fascinating here is that everyone does either see or feel or in some way experience their parts internally. (My suspicion is that Schwartz’s discovery of parts will eventually be substantiated with neuronal and
