AUGUST 8, 2019 | The Jewish Home
The Jewish Home | OCTOBER 29, 2015
The Panel The Rebbetzin Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. ou are smart and perceptive. You differentiate between your feelings about your husband and your inexplicable sadness. There is something going on, and you need to get to the bottom of it. It may be a mood disorder, a hormonal issue, or something else. Get yourself to a highly skilled mental health professional who works with a psychiatrist or doctor since you may need some medication in addition to talk therapy. You need to schedule some time as a couple, too. You are probably both at the outset of your careers and need to invest time and energy in them. You may even be in school, too. You note that your fabulous spouse is very driven as well as wonderful. Pencil-in date nights and fun recreation together as well and invest in keeping your relationship moving with shared interests, quality time, and quantity time. Counter the loneliness with togetherness. That’s why you got married in the first place! Your therapist will probably also suggest couples therapy; all marriages need constant effort and skills need to be developed, especially new marriages. Communication skills, sharing skills, and more can be learned, practiced, and developed further. Finally, keep in mind that transitioning from a busy family home with neighbors, family members, and big Shabbos meals to a quiet apartment with just two people is a process. Fill your home with music, joy in each other, and new couple friends, too. Make a circle for yourselves as a couple. But keep in mind that that the two of you are most important. The company and social circle can come later. Check yourself out, invest in your relationship with your spouse, and develop a chevrah. It’s all doable. It’s all a process. But some things are priorities. And now you know what they are.
The Mother Sarah Schwartz Schreiber, P.A. all it a paradox. A young woman, who had struggled with infertility for many years, is blessed with a robust, healthy baby. She should be delirious with joy! Ecstatic and giddy and grateful to finally become a mother! Instead she cries. She feels exhausted! She feels unattractive! She’s not fit to be a mother! Blame it on “the hormones.” Still, depression at this most joyous time of life can be attributed to a real sense of loss. She’s traded a life that’s familiar (even if it was fraught with dashed hopes and disappointment) for new and unfamiliar terrain – motherhood. You get my drift. Married life – no matter how much you’ve yearned for it – is unfamiliar territory. Even with the most extraordinary partner, marriage is an uncharted journey—rife with new, exciting possibilities, to be sure, but challenges, as well. Getting through your daily to-do list, shopping, cooking, laundry and errands, is enough to make you crave the comfort of Mommy’s kitchen where Shabbos prepared itself and the fridge was automatically refilled with delectable offerings. Back at the ranch, there was always a handful of family members or neighbors you’ve known forever; schmoozing was easy and mindless – no judgment. As a newlywed, you’re living in a grown-up world with one roommate – a relative stranger who may not agree with or understand everything you say. Now that I think about it, I would cry, too. Like the new mom who’s adjusting to her newborn (and the idea of sleepless nights), it may take some time for you and your husband to adjust to couple-hood and slip into the rhythm of running a household. Believe in yourself – before long you’ll reach that sweet spot of married routine: the comfortable banter, the sweet conversations, the caring and sharing that makes marriage so fulfilling. If, while “transitioning,” you sorely miss your family, by all means, spend as many
Shabbosim and Sundays with the crew. Finally, and you know this was coming, seek professional help. While facetime with family may offer a quick fix for newlywed blues, only a therapist can help you discover and deal with the source of your sadness in a most expeditious manner. Your marriage has so much promise; don’t waste another minute wallowing in “why me’s” and Kleenex.
The Shadchan Michelle Mond ’ll be honest with you. I wrote an entire answer and scrapped it all after sitting on it for a while. (If you don’t believe me, ask Jen, who so patiently waited for my answer past the deadline.) My original answer validated your sentimental thoughts, akin to a little kid at a sleepaway camp missing her life back in the big city. Oh, how hard it must be to watch the grass grow greener on the other side. But then I thought twice. What do I know about you? I do not know your age, your relationship with your family, how close you live geographically to your family (if you’re even in the same country!), or any family circumstances. Based on my original assumptions, I would have ascertained that you have a case of FOMO and merely got married because it is what your friends were doing. You thereby felt instinctively that it was your turn and consequently followed suit without actually being ready. But I am pretty certain my original assumption was wrong. If you were very close with your family and now live a far distance away, I could see how this change could be extremely emotional. You miss your old life with your comfy couch, less responsibilities, loving parents and siblings by your side. I completely get it, and it is totally understandable. What you must internalize, however, is that if you were on the other side of this coin you might be just as depressed. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but it seems like your issue stems
We often don’t realize how normal we are because many people are reluctant to share their inner worlds.
from not having enough of an ayin tovah (a good eye) about your life. You have what many women dream of having: a loving husband, a nice marriage, a stable home, and nice family to go home for chagim to visit. Rather than focusing on your positive current circumstance, you are ruminating and not letting yourself move forward. You must create your new reality and use the gift of an ayin tovah to help you do this. I will give you one personal example. I remember telling my husband after a year of marriage how Shabbos just feels different when you are in charge of your own home. When you’re a kid, it’s all about the fun. Helping Mommy make dessert, doing your weekly Shabbos job, begging Mommy to make her famous corned beef recipe, music blasting and dancing with the siblings. Then when you’re a teen, helping set the table, doing a last-minute run to the store for Ma, running through the house with the wafting smell of fresh baked challah filling your senses and your neshama with a serene calm no matter how late you are to go iron your hair. Then you sit down Friday night and laugh with your sisters and read on the couch. When you meet your bashert and get married, it is you who makes the atmosphere, just like your mother made the atmosphere that you so deeply long for today. This is the nekudah that you must hone in on.
Five Towns Jewish Home - 8-8-19