Spring 2019
Jester of Columbia proudly presents
The Issues Issue
Letters to the Editor 1 Editaurus 1 Corrections 2 Death 2 Science News 2 How to Tell if that Kid in your Music Hum has Parents who Bribed a College Sports Coach 3 How to Bribe a College Admissions Hack if You’re Poor 3 James McShane: Crime is the Tastiest Issue of All 4 Spring Book Preview 7 Jeff Bezos’ Space Phallus Ready for Blastoff! 9 Caffeine-addicted First Year Wonders Why She Has Headaches After Her First Semester 9 Donald Trump’s Three-Day Weekend or Saturdays of Doom or Weekend at Trump’s 10 The Jobs Section 11 Horoscopes 12 Friendly Tips from your Friendly Jester 12 DISCLAIMER: The Jester of Columbia, Established 1901 ~ Columbia University’s Most Laughable Humor Magazine ~ Jester is published as often as four times a year and sometimes never. It’s distributed free of charge but there’s a special two for $5 deal we offer to a select few individuals. Please stick to one copy per person, unless you’re a friend of Cat’s, in which case please take her extras. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jester do not neccesarily reflect those of Columbia University, its student body, or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them-- but they’re a good indicator. Any similarities to actual people, places, or events are coincidental or satirical in nature. For information on getting involved, advertising, or our (lack of) personal lives, please contact jestersubmissions@gmail.com. Also visit us online at columbiajester.com and follow us on Facebook (Jester of Columbia) and Twitter (@CUJester).
Letters to the Editor Dear Jester, My son just told me he’s gender fluid. How do I provide support for him as he grows up? Sincerely, Woke dad
Editaurus Dearest Reader,
Tough are the times in which we live. Things are not so simple as they were back in the day. As such, we at Jester have a lot of issues. We have easy Dear Broke Fad, issues. We have hard issues. We have daddy issues. What is gender fluid? Do you have to change it out every We have sugar-daddy issues. We have daddy’s ten to fifteen thousand miles? daddy issues, and via inheritance, grand-daddy isYours mechanically, sues. We’ve got our clones’ identity issues, and via Proud father of a four-wheel drive 1993 Chevy pick-up transitive property, our identity issues. We’ve got Dear Jester, employability issues. We’ve got issues with Kanye I sent my girlfriend a meme about 14 year old girls (Read also: Mental illness, Read also: Donald on Tumblr and now she’s crying. What do I do? Trump, Read also: Neurodegenerative diseases, Lovable guy Read also: possible brain flukes, Do not read: scott pruitt). We’ve got ninja issues. We’ve got assassin Dear dick, issues. We’ve got Wifi connectivity issues. We’ve S(he) be(lie)ve(d). Get back on Tundlr, the new Tindergot issues of issue eschewance (procrastination Tumblr app for idiots like you. issues). We’ve got Employment issues. We’ve got Jest- “makin moves on yo’ gurl”-Er various sex issues. We’ve got issues with the Bulls. Dear Jester, We’ve got issues with our bowls. We’ve got issues Long time reader but this is my first time asking for help. with our bowels. Indeed, we’ve got issues. I’ve been dating my partner since NSOP and I think I’m The point is, no matter what your issue, we at Jestreally going to propose before graduation. But I’m starting er see you, and we get it, and we want to satirize to have second thoughts after realizing their entry-level your issues in this here issues issue. Deutsche Bank position only has a $545,000 salary. I don’t want to spend time with someone making less than my Signed, Nigerian prince dad, so should I just break up? Flustered Lover Ethan Widell Editor-in-Chief Dear Lustered Fucker, Listen: you need to extort the shit out of them for money laundering. Ensure they realize they need to make more Catherina Gioino money in order to suit your tastes. Put a $20 in their jean Ethan Widell Editor-in-chief . pocket. Make sure they’re the ones doing laundry that Editor-in-chief week and put the jeans-- and I cannot stress this enough-- in the washer. Boom, they’ve just money laundered. Offer comfort, propose, say you’ll get through this together, but also threaten them with the police in case Mark Prusakowski they have second thoughts. Managing Editor Your partner in crime, Jester “Not the IRS” of Columbia
Jester Staff
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Sergio Rico Treasurer
Corrections In our 2015 issue, “The Bottom Half,” we incorrectly referred to Australia as the “Alcatraz Down Under”. It is, in fact, only Steve Irwin who is six feet down under. In said 2015 issue, we featured an exclusive interview with Steve Irwin going over the various mating dances several bird species do to attract a partner. We accidentally included a photo of Roseanne Barr mislabeled as a cockatiel. We later found out Roseanne Barr does not belong to the bird species. For that matter, she does not belong to the animal kingdom. We are presently placing her among fungi. In our futuristic 2020 “Health and Body” issue, we incorrectly identified what looked like anal beads as a way to keep your taint polished. We later found out they were mardi gras beads some drunk idiot on Bourbon Street swallowed. In “Beat the Draft,” our 1941 issue, we assumed bone spurs would not be among the list of ailments that would prevent one’s enlistment into the army. We erroneously kept the same advice in our 1969, ha, issue “Beat the Charlie.” We found out this indeed will keep you from war. In our 2017 “The Future is Yesterday” issue, our horoscope for Cancer predicted that your painful and violent death would be totally avoidable. We apologize for telling you this after the fact, but that was kinda the point.
Science News
Deaths
Experts criticize Jester of Columbia for publishing information that is not scientifically verifiable.
Steve Irwin, who has been down under for quite some time now, as mentioned. Everyone who testified against El Chapo. Listening to that good old fashioned rap music from rhymemaster R. Kelly. Unfortunately, listening to German plainchant from mass is still in.
Al Gore asserts that Global Warming isn’t cool.
Those rich parents who paid to get their kids into Yale. Some of Columbia’s buildings are still unnamed. Our dislike of Yale. we thought you were desperate but even you hate Full House too. Columbia football being good: It was short. It was sweet. It was too good to last.
Mufasa: Your son was no Hamlet, but A+ for effort, Disney.
To have an authenntic Coca-Cola from the 1920s, just mix all your coke and arsenic from last week’s Bacchanal.
Authorities advise: If you take a pregnancy test and are pregnant but your part ner takes one and is not, dump them because they aren’t smart enough to pass a scientific test that requires you to pee on it.
Last week, Kansas City held their third annual “flat earth As usual, my dignity. But this time around, symposium”, at which experts clarified that the south pole is not as bad as last semester. actually an infinitely tall wall of ice at the edge of the Earth, and that penguins are fake news. Respect for Donald Trump - Can’t die if you never existed. In other news, Scientists have verified that the earth is round.
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How to Tell if that Kid in your Music Hum has Parents who Bribed a College Sports Coach Catherina Gioino
If you ever had a thought come across your mind asking how a certain student got into Columbia, you’re not alone. And now with the college admissions news, we now know what we’ve always known: I got screwed studying for the SAT while I could have just easily paid a dude to fudge a few numbers for me. Although the Jester of Columbia does not guarantee this guide as the ultimate proof and evidence needed to explain why that one really popular kid in class is always out at GoldBar and Le Bain on Tuesdays and Sundays respectively, we tend to take it a defining characteristic of the kind of people the FBI is now looking into. Luckily, Columbia is subpar to Yale so we supposedly have yet to hear word of current students also taking advantage of the system. Fortunately, after our Uncle Larry passed away and gave us a windfall of over $4,500, we quickly went out and hired a PI to look into these elites and their kids, and the results will surprise you. While it’s not exactly a science, these are common kids and actions that students in Art Hum might do if they got in here the old fashioned way: with money. 1) Brianna Campbell: the student who brought water color paints to class on the first day. Extra proof if it wasn’t Michael’s paints or even Blick Art but Gucci-branded paints. 2) Daniel Serrano: that kid who writes out the
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full heading of the university, but accidentally wrote “Colombia University.” 3) Chad Wellington III, heir of Poptarts. 4) Taylor Higgins: the student who admitted they never took the SAT. 5) Brianna Campbell: again, because despite the first class when the Art Hum teacher said this wasn’t that kind of art class, she still brought an easel and chalk the next week.
How to Bribe a College Admissions Hack if You’re Poor Catherina Gioino
Recent news has revealed what we have known all along: the poor are too stupid to bribe someone to get into Columbia. Why waste time studying for a test and putting in “hard work” for extracurriculars when you can just get your celebrity parents to pay off a Columbia sports coach to get into school? We’ve notice that some of the poorer students are realizing just now how the rest of us have gotten into school. To prevent civil unrest, we’ve decided to let them in on a few secrets on how the upper class have gotten into our schools. If you are poor and make anywhere from $21 million to $590 billion, the following advice applies to you. If your net worth is below this, we apologize for your hardship. 1) You don’t. Best of luck getting into Columbia with a net worth of.. Pfft, Prezbo’s.
JAMES McSHANE: CRIME IS THE TASTIEST ISSUE OF ALL Written and designed by Ethan Widell
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Spring Book Preview
Mark Prusakowski
Hiya, friends! It’s me, Roaree, your friendly neighborhood mascot! You know, the one from all the football games? What do you mean, you’ve never … fine, you know what, it doesn’t matter. I’m not looking for self-validation, I’m just here to promote my new book! Which is kind of the same thing, honestly. From the self-publisher who brought you Roaree’s Guide to Science and Learnitude and Roaree’s Guide to Foreign Banking comes an all-new manual designed to help you put your life back together after the incident. You can order it online at swipelife.tinder.com or read the entire book right here:
Roaree’s Guide to Divorce Introduction If you’re like me, you’ve met a lot of divorcees in group therapy, and you know how discour-
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aged they can be. I’ll give you the same advice I always give them: take deep breaths, drink plenty of hot fluids, and don’t start dating again until you’re officially separated. Chapter 1: How to Handle Divorce I kind of already covered this topic in the introduction, didn’t I? I honestly don’t know how anyone expected an unmarried lion to fill up an entire book with this kind of stuff. Which is why from this point on, this book will now be called …
Roaree’s Guide to Divorce and Internet Dating Chapter 2: Picking out a Dating App Finding future life partners and casual hookups has never been easier thanks to the magical power of dating apps. Although they were originally created with good intentions, dating apps have grown into an epidemic, to the point where there will soon be more dating apps than single people
in existence. What’s worse, they all have to have some stupid name like Flurv or Spoonr or Bootyshake, and they always end up pairing you with untrustworthy people who are just trying to get a hand on your massive family fortune. Not that I have one of those. Cough. When it comes to romance, the only app I ever trust is FarmersOnly.com. To sign up, all you have to do is answer two questions, and both of them are about cows. (Hint: The correct answers, in order, are “Moo” and “Not under any circumstances.”) Chapter 3: Setting up a Profile If you read the second chapter, which you already should have done unless you’re reading this book backwards like a manga, you’ll know that FarmersOnly.com is the only trustworthy dating site on the internet. The first thing prospective dates will see when they check out your profile is your picture, so you have to make sure you look as much like a sexy farmer as possible. I’ve never even met a real farmer, but with a touch of Photoshop, I look like the Chris Pine of agriculture:
or fun and interesting facts about yourself (Example: “I am so lonely”). Chapter 4: Dealing with Rejection As of now, I have dated a total of six matches through FarmersOnly.com, and five of them were either serial killers or looking for a green card. As you navigate the wild, winding world of internet dating, you’ll probably hit a few speed bumps along the way, and you’ll wonder if it’s even worth all the effort. If you ever find yourself discouraged and in need of emotional support, just remember the three “F’s”: Friends, Family, and Hard Liquor. Sorry, this book seems to be taking a dark turn. I’d better switch the topic to something lighter.
Roaree’s Guide to Divorce and Internet Dating and Doomsday Preparation Chapter 5: Bunkering Down If you’re going to make it through the impending zombie outbreak/nuclear war/alien invasion alive, you’ll first need to build an underground bunker. There’s lots of open spaces out in the countryside where you can dig a hole without anybody noticing. Once you’ve finished building your bunker, stock it with basic post-apocalyptic essentials: - A copy of this book (check!) - Portable generator - Snacks - A can-do attitude - A loved one (optional)
Conclusion Congratulations, you made it to the end of the Make sure to fill your profile description with book! I hope you had more fun reading it than hilarious farm-related innuendos (Example: “I I did writing it. love plowing fields, if you know what I mean.”)
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Jeff Bezos’ Space Phallus Ready for Blastoff! Ethan Widell
Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder and CEO has been one of the lustiest celebs in the news lately, making headlines in recent weeks for his illicit affair with Lauren Sanchez. However, we at Jester are not tremendously moved by Bezos denying his worldly vices; what interests us more is Bezos’ out of this world attempt to change sex as we know it. Yes, We’re talking about the Blue origin private passenger rocket, a multi-billion dollar endeavor to build an iron phallus of cosmic proportion! The only issue is that Bezos flatly denies the illicit nature of his spaceship. Indeed, Amazon’s libidinous leader is rightly proud of his rocket. As the biggest package that the sensual shipping mogul has to offer, the spaceship stands proud and mighty at an impressive 313-feet tall, much larger than anything those guys at NASA or Spacex have. Our favorite randy rocketeer is ready to take to the skies, welcoming private passengers to climb aboard his iron giant and probe deep into dark, cavernous outer space, but not in a sexual way. “There is nothing sexual about wanting to explore Uranus.” Claims the sex-driven spaceman. “The rocket is neither Optimus Prime’s pelvic missile, nor is it a dildo for the gods.” Still, the concupiscent cosmonaut seeks franchising opportunities: he recently unveiled plans for a miniature model rocket, “small enough to keep under your bed”. However, his primary goal remains the marketing of adventures aboard his space phallus into the great beyond, and he is looking for any well-endowed passengers to take a trip on this seeming celestial dildo, but not sexually. At press time, Sanchez claims that she “intends to be the first to ride his rocket out of this world”, but just as friends.
Caffeine-addicted First Year Wonders Why She Has Headaches After Her First Semester Catherina Gioino
Des Moines (JoC)– Carla Passa, CC’22, refused to drink coffee before arriving at Columbia. “I always thought of it as an adult drink,” said the Iowa native majoring in Computer Science.
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“I never really liked the taste and the nearest Starbucks is a twenty minute ride away. Plus, my parents only drink water and OJ, so I just stayed away from the stuff.” However, after last semester’s Java, Fro Sci and Lit Hum, she turned to the drug as means of completing her work in a safe and legal way. “My friends all turned to coke and adderall,” she said; her right hand tapping rapidly on the table as her left viciously twirled a pen through her visibly vibrating fingers. “This stuff is legal, and obviously the government doesn’t legally sell stuff that can kill you.” Don’t let her twitching shoulder fool you– Passa claims she’s not addicted. “Oh that? It’s nothing,” Passa said as she held her right shoulder down with her left hand. “I’ve uh… never been interviewed before,” she said, accidentally brushing away some concealer that hid a faint bruise on her chin where the shoulder kept bumping into. “It’s nothing.” After returning home Wednesday night, Passa claims she’s been waking up with headaches that last all day, and regular drugstore medicine isn’t doing the trick. “Advil doesn’t work. Tylenol doesn’t work. Not even ginger ale!” “I don’t know what it could be,” Passa exclaimed. Her mother, overhearing our conversation in the next room over, shouted, “Ya drank too much coffee at school. Want me to get green tea at Wegmans?” “Green tea sucks!” Passa yelled over her shoulder, rolling her eyes when she turned to face me. “And it’s not caffeine!” Passa admitted she’s been a bit impatient since her return, and definitely more irritable. However, she feels optimistic for the future. “I’m going to my aunt’s house for spring break, and she has soda there. The good kind, not the Wegmans brand. And after that, there’s still four weeks left for this semester, so I’ll be able to use my friend’s Keurig again.”
Donald Trump’s ThreeDay Weekend or
Saturdays of Doom or
Weekend at Trump’s Ethan Widell
Many years later as he lay dying, the last president of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, thought back to a single day that set in stone the fate of the nation. “When they all look back on the era of my great American empire”, he thought, “they will certainly be full of praise for my great leadership skills. They’ll know that I was like a cool uncle president. They’ll understand that I just wanted to have fun.” ‘They’, of course, did not understand. NEW NEW YORK TIMES April 2069 In the relatively short history of the American empire, we can point to a single day, a single decision, 50 years ago when it all fell apart. Indeed, at no point in all of human history has a government fallen from such a stable state to one of utter anarchy so quickly. The cause of this collapse was none other than the most ill-conceived three-day weekend of all time. Yes, that fatal end to that ill-fated week was the day that President Donald Trump declared a three day weekend. So when we write of the end of days, we inevitably write too of the end of a week. That week was the week of April 21; the day was Saturday. In fact, it was two Saturdays. It all be-
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gan when Donald Trump announced that Saturday, April 27, 2019 would happen twice. It was to be a three-day weekend to end all three-day weekends, a monumental event not only in the history of presidential authority, but also in the history of horology. “Satrday 2 2day! There’s just not enough time B4 monday to do everthing I wamnt” , Trump posted in a tweet. Maybe this decision was made in good fun. Maybe it was made to gain the affection of the American people. Maybe it was done on accident. The world may never know. But while Trump spent his second Saturday doing what he wamnted, lounging on the White House lawns in a striped tank top and pink boxers, he never imagined the disaster about to strike. And so Saturday came and Saturday went and Saturday followed, and the American people knew no difference. Few distinguished the second Saturday form a normal Sunday and fewer believed that trump’s tweet held much weight. Who would follow the illiterate ramblings of a clearly senile orangutan? Republicans would. And they did. So as the better half of the nation prepared for what would be Monday, the worse half went out drinking, watched HGTV, or did whatever republicans normally do on Saturday night, but for the second night in a row. When half of the nation failed to show up for work on the morning of what would be Monday, a schism was cut deep into the hearts of the American people and the nation cried out a single question: What day is it? chaos broke out. Deadlines were missed, crowds showed up at airports a day early, children ran amok on the streets, knowing not whether to be in school. Still nobody budged in their conviction of what day it was. Republi-
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cans blamed Democrats. Democrats blamed Republicans. No progress was made. A bill went on the table to reunify the calendar, but neither side was able to meet to put it to a vote because one party consistently missed the hearing. A separate motion was proposed to make every day Saturday, but this made no progress for the same reason. Meanwhile, the pentagon received a message. The spy who sent it died to relay a single line of text: “Russia to bomb USA Saturday at 1400.” But it was too late: nobody knew what day it was, and so everybody died. The moral of the story is to work hard, Columbia! (narrator cracks whip) You think that you want a three-day weekend, but you don’t understand the absolute horror that one extra day of fun could be.
The Jobs Section NEEDED: 1920s Empire State Building window installers. Job’s a real pane; comes with gorilla but beautiful blonde. Olay moisturizer factory workers: must apply daily. Crane operators needed with uplifting attitudes. Mediocre cabbies wanted to test drive with Uber. Last guy went the extra mile. Horse Whisperer wanted for stable job. Wanted: workers at concrete plant that stick around when it gets harder and harder. Elon Musk seeking tunnel builders for a boring job. Looking for an undercover cop with a sexy mustache that can resist the urge to tell everyone he’s an undercover cop. The mob- uh, I mean NYPD seeking undercover cop.
Horoscopes
Aires: Mercury’s in retrograde, meaning something ressonably relatable but scientifically doubtful will happen. Taurus: Mercury’s in your gatorade, meaning
Friendly Tips from your Friendly Jester Bring cocaine to the airport so you can pet the dogs.
you should drink powerade TM, the official drink of Tauruses.
If you’re drowning, just play dead. The water will think you’re a corpse and leave you alone.
Gemini: Mercury’s really into everything, which
Never cry again when you’re getting intimate with a potential suitor! Just take away their pepper spray beforehand.
Cancer: We’ve told you before and we’ll tell you
Put “student driver” stickers on your car before you drive home drunk to prevent police from pulling you over.
Leo: People will ask what’s gotten into you. Turns
It’s job season, so apply for a job at the local Pottery Barn you damn Creative Writing major, and with your skills, send emails from different email accounts complaining about a single employee. You’ll get it in no time when they’re fired!
wouldn’t have happened if you kept it on a leash like I told you to.
again: the problem isn’t your incurable bowel syndrome. The problem is your attitude.
out, it’s ringworm.
Virgo: Today is a good day to set things in motion.
Specifically, in your grandpa’s wheelchair down hill.
Libra: Physical movement improves your low
self-esteem. Camp out in Butler but on the upper-level stacks.
Scorpio: You believe too much in pseudosciences. The stars and moons can’t help the fact that you suck.
Want to do good for the local police with low murderer-capture rates? Murder someone and tell the cops. Get their numbers up! Go to the local thrift store and grab a bunch of charity t-shirts so people think you’re a really compassionate person. Bonus tip: wear them to the gym to get the person of your dreams thinking you *actually* care.
Sagittarius: You will find the next week terribly painful, but you can take heart in the fact that your coworkers will find it terribly funny.
Capricorn: Wow, um, sorry guys. I’m drawing a total blank on this one. It turns out, even fortune-tellers have a day off sometimes. Aquarius: This has been redacted because one of the EICs is an Aquarius and wrote a really scathing statement but got pissed off after finding out it’s not a water sign. Pisces :Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, he really don’t like no ugly.
Cut me out!
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issues
