Jester Spring 2017: Apocalypse

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jester spring 2017

At Westside, you can make your own

Sausage Party

Westside Market: Baked or Fried 2840 Broadway, Corner of 110th Street 212-222-3367, Open 24/7

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Jester presents...

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APOCALYPSE Letters to the Editor 4 Deaths 4 Corrections 4 Editaurus 5 Ask Mildred 6 8IJUF )PVTF $POmSNFE BT /FX #BDIFMPS .BOTJPO 6 "EWJDF 'SPN :PVS 'SJFOEMZ %PXOTUBJST /FJHICPS -VDJGFS 6 Places to Eat 7 Russia Is So Great 7 /FX %/" 5FDIOPMPHZ 3FWFBMT ,FMMZBOOF $POXBZ T 5SVF *EFOUJUZ 7 Lists 8 #3&",*/( /&84 " 'BMTJmFE *OBVHVSBUJPO 8 *WBOLB 5SVNQ T "EWJDF GPS UIF 8PSLJOH 8PNBO 9 -*7& 5XFFUT GSPN UIF "QPDBMZQTF 9 4PVUIFSO 4POHT UP 3FQMBDF -JUFSBDZ 5FTUT 9 Horrorscopes 10, 11 8BS PO 'VO (PFT 5PP 'BS 11 $6-4" $PMVNCJB 6OEFSHSBEVBUF -JTUJOH PG 4UVFOU "CJMJUZ 12 3VTTJB " ,FZ 0SDIFTUSBUPS PG "QPDBMZQTF 12 4XBSPWTLJ $SZTUBM .FUI 12 4MBTI JO 'VOEJOH GPS "SUT -FBET UP /FX $PNQFUJUJPO GPS +FTUFS 13 &WFO /FUnJY "HSFFT :PV 8BUDI 5PP .VDI 57 13 *OUFSWJFX .FMBOLB %F7PT (FUT i3FBMw 0O $MJNBUF $IBOHF 14 *OUFSWJFX "MBTþ 1PPS :PSJDL 14 "QPDBMZQTF 4VSWJWBM ,JU 15 #FUTZ %F7PT 5VSOT JOUP BO "DUVBM 7VMUVSF BU 4VOEPXO 4PVSDF 4BZT 15 Jester Deserves a Spot in the White House Press Pool 16 "QPDBMZQTF 8BUDIMJTU BOE 3FBEJOH -JTU 16 $IBE T -FBWFT 17 F "SF 5IFZ /PX 17 1PTU "QPDBMZQTF 8IFSF "SF 5IFZ /PX FOTUSVBUJPO UP .JLF 1FODF 18 4PNFPOF &YQMBJOFE .FOTUSVBUJPO UP .JLF 1FODF 18 "MQIBCFU 5SVNQ 18 Historical Cover 19

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Letters to the Editor

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Dear Jester, , DP GHHSO\ FRQFHUQHG LI WKH Ă€UH DODUP LQ P\ EXLOGLQJ LV ZRUNLQJ EXW ,¡P WRR VFDUHG WR SXOO LW WR Ă€QG RXW Sincerely, )LUH &RQVFLRXV

Dear Jester, ,Q P\ PRVW UHFHQW SUHQDWDO FKHFNXS P\ XQERUQ FKLOG ZDV VHHQ KROGLQJ D UDLQERZ Ă DJ DSSDUHQWO\ LQ VROLGDULW\ ZLWK 7KH *D\V 7KH WKLQJ LV , GRQ¡W EHOLHYH LQ DERUWLRQ HLWKHU :KDW VKRXOG , GR" Best, Charlotte Pence Dear Lotte, Pray a little more, and maybe drugs? You’re welcome, Jester

CORRECTIONS

Dear James McShane, We all know you just want to get out of Public Safety’s Annual Valentine’s Day Mixer. Just pull the thing. You’ll feel so much better. Best, Jester

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DEATHS

Orgo Night: hypothermia is real. National Endowment for the Arts: the only artist Trump likes is a mirror.

Dear Jester, 0\ NKDNLV ZHUH UHFHQWO\ YDQGDOL]HG ZLWK GH OX[H SDLQW SHQV , GRQ¡W NQRZ ZKHUH WR WXUQ 7KH ZRUOG VHHPV FROG DQG KRVWLOH , GRQ¡W KDYH DQ\WKLQJ WR ZHDU ZLWK P\ 1HZ %DODQFHV Scared and alone, Joe Dear Joe, Given your alt-facts sneakers, we’re willing to bet you also own a certain brand of Maine-produced plaid shirts. Therefore, you are the scum of the earth. Cold and hostile, you say? Welcome to reality. Those paint-pen marks can’t be anything but an improvement. F U, Jester

The concept of America as a nation of multicolored skittles: it is now a nation of Tic Tacs. Mostly just plain white ones but a single orange one has indeed been spotted. Trump’s natural skin and hair: split his soul into 7 Horcruxes, including one in Kellyanne Conway’s stone cold heart. Environmental Protection Agency: drowned under rising seas. Planned Parenthood: buried with the aborted fetuses in Texas. National Park Service: because parks are sooo controversial. Facts: eaten in the womb by its evil twin, alternative facts. Science: rumored to remain alive @AltNASA and @AltUSNationalParkService, but dead in the open.

Dear Jester, , UHJUHW WR LQIRUP \RX WKDW DV RI SP RQ 0RQGD\ , ZLOO EH SXOOLQJ P\ VXEVFULSWLRQ IURP \RXU SXEOLFD WLRQ GXH WR \RXU LQVLVWHQFH RQ SUROLIHUDWLQJ IDNH QHZV DQG DOWHUQDWLYH IDFWV +RZ GDUH \RX FDOO \RXUVHOYHV MRXUQDOLVWV" From, Janet Dear Janet, Your face is fake news. Good hair don’t care, Jester

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Putin’s tiger: spoke out against authoritarian policies and mysteriously disappeared. Mike Pence’s morality: been missing VLQFH FRQÀUPHG GHDG -XO\ Humanity: Trump’s existence. Obamacare: killed by‌? (waiting on an actual policy replacement). J 6QRZà DNHV PHOWHG E\ HLWKHU JOREDO ZDUPLQJ or Tomi Lahren’s poisonous breath. Grandma: cancer. PS: I miss you so much!

EDITAURUS DEAR READER, RE JESTER &EJUPS JO $IJFG Cary Chapman .BOBHJOH &EJUPS Lily Whiteman 4FDSFUBSZ Henrietta Steventon 5SFBTVSFS Cat Gioino 4UBGG 8SJUFST Supriya Ambwani Michelle Goff Ovie Lattimore Claire Noyer Reed Simmons Alex Curtis Cover Art Aurian Carter -BZPVU %FTJHO Sam Doss

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Dear Mildred:

Millenial Courtship Column Dear Mildred, , IRXQG RXW D JLUO , OLNH YRWHG IRU +LOODU\ DQG , IRXQG D SXVV\KDW LQ KHU GUDZHU , WKLQN VKH PLJKW EH D IHPLQLVW ,·P ZRUULHG WKDW ZKHQ VKH , ÀQGV RXW , YRWHG IRU 7UXPS VKH ZLOO VWRS VOHHS LQJ ZLWK PH +RZ GR , NHHS WKH JRRGV FRPLQ·" Always horny, Brett Dear Brett, Have you ever considered that you may need someone a little bronzer and a little blonder? Try my girl Tomi or my girl Kellyanne. If they’re not interested, there’s always your right hand! Good luck (you’ll need it), Mildred Dear Mildred, , UHDOO\ OLNH WKLV JX\ ,·YH EHHQ VHHLQJ EXW KH YRWHG IRU 7UXPS :KDW VKRXOG , GR" &RQIXVHG Jessica Dear Jessica, Have you heard of a sex boycott? It’s exactly what it sounds like. Withhold sex from your “special” guy until he grows a conscience. If that never happens GRQ·W KROG \RXU EUHDWK VZHHWKHDUW ÀQG \RXUVHOI a man who can feel the Bern-- in the only good way there is of feeling the Bern. Stay strong sister, Mildred

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7

Most Likely Survivors of the Apocalypse

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TWEETS FROM THE APOCALYPSE

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Conditions are varied across the world. Extreme cases of temperature, wind, rain, sand.

It’s gonna be big! Watch out! If you’re wondering what’s happening, just look out the window.

We have lots to look forward to! So much ahead! Excited!

Climate storms are raging across the country.

I had nothing to do with this. Reporters are only SVVRPUN MVY H Z[VY` -(2, 5,>:

0[»Z NVUUH IL ÄUL MVSRZ 5V[OPUN [V ^VYY` HIV\[ White House has it under control.

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Isn’t this fun? If the tornados continue like this, I will send in the FEDS!

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If you still have internet, downloading any valuable information you can to hard drives for whoever survives.

Only Christian refugees will be permitted in fallout shelters. MUSLIMS started armageddon. THEY +65»; +,:,9=, ;6 30=,

We are so sorry.

We are so, so sorry. 9

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11

CULSA

.info

Columbia Underground Listing of Student Ability

Jason

[former Jester staff writer]

Professor S: Has good intentions but never really does the reading. It’s quite obvious and he doesn’t seem to realize it. Sticks to generic comments such as “I think this really speaks to the intersectionality of Romantic and Enlightenment thoughtâ€? and capitalizes on personal anecdotes. Really, I couldn’t care less about your dead Grandpa. Professor J: Comes to class with headphones in, red eyes, and the wrong textERRN ZKLFK KH LQVLVWV RQ Ă€LSSLQJ WKURXJK DV LI IROORZLQJ WKH OHFWXUH $W OHDVW turn it the right way up! I don’t really understand how this student got into Columbia, or maybe he’s not actually a student because I’ve never seen him turn in an assignment. Professor A: Says he will build off of other people’s comments but then proceeds to reproduce those same comments after running each word through a thesaurus. Do people still say “heretoforeâ€?? Jason does. Volunteers to read aloud and always has terrible pronunciation. Not sure where the English accent comes from, as it only manifests itself when reading Shakespeare. He is from Rhode Island. Professor Euslace Willey: Jason is the worst. He was on Jester and literally shitted on all of our ideas. Not sure how that can be literal but he made it happen. He wears fedoras way too much, as in, he wears them at all. There is always spinach in Jason’s teeth. His grandmother, though, is a stand-up lady. Shout-out to Mabel!

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Swarovski Crystal Meth Darlie Doss heads to the Swarovski store for her ODWHVW À[ 12

Brought to you straight from the secret compartment of Karlie Kloss’s high school nemesis Darlie Doss’s suitcase, it’s the new luxury sensation for the boss bitches of today’s generation. Maybe you’re an Instagram babe with 200,000 followers and six

drawers full of crop tops. Maybe ZPV SF B CVEEJOH mOHFS QBJOUFS a vegan dog-sitter, or a professional Uber passenger. Or maybe your parents died when you were twelve, you’ve never really known what it means to be loved, and you just found out you have cancer. Whoever you are, whatever you do, we have the high-quality crystal product to suit your lifestyle. Intro-

ducing Swarovski Crystal Meth: it’s like jewelry, but not at all. Darlie Doss endorses it, so she must be important. Go on, what are you waiting for? Dare to sparkle. Shine bright like a diamond. Fuel an addiction. Swarovski Crystal Meth. In the back alley of a shopping mall near you. $"3: $)"1."/

Slash in Funding for Arts Leads to New Competition for Jester

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Apocalypse Survival Kit “And I saw an orange man descend from the sky, clothed with alternative facts, and I knew the end was upon us” (Book of Revelations, with a few word choice changes). So yeah, the apocalypse has begun. And there’s not much we can do about the current political state, so it’s time to start preparing. Like full-on, hardcore, packing our bags and anticipating the end of the world because there’s a good chance that it’ll happen during the next four years. For now, we’ll keep it painfully simple. This is just a packing list to ÀOO \RXU VXUYLYDO NLW IRU WKH JORRP\ numbered days ahead. .*$)&--& (0''

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15

-HVWHU 'HVHUYHV D 6SRW LQ WKH :KLWH +RXVH 3UHVV 3RRO Dear Prez Donnie, We hear that the press has been giving you crazy heat since you made the White House white again. Jester is here to help. Truthfully, we are a little disappointed you haven’t reached out earlier. It seems WKDW ZH FRXOG EH WKH SHUIHFW Ă€W 7KLQN SHDQXW EXWWHU DQG MHOO\ .HQGDOO DQG .\OLH $OH[DQGUD DQG Rasputin, and now the Trumpster and Jester. :KLOH RWKHU ´UHSRUWHUVÂľ KDYH EHHQ JHWWLQJ WKHLU SDQWLHV LQ D NQRW HYHU\ WLPH \RXU ER\ ´6SLF\Âľ 6SLFHU wants to roll with alternative facts, we at Jester are cool with it. In fact, we primarily operate with alternative facts. You want to say you had the biggest, bestest inauguration ever? That’s chill with us! Our only question is, was it lit or was it super lit? If “lameâ€? stream media wants to call your dope WZHHWV IDFWXDOO\ LQFRUUHFW WKHQ LW¡V WLPH WKH\ VWDUW PDNLQJ XS QHZ IDFWV OLNH WKH UHVW RI XV 1RW IRU QRWKLQJ 'RQQLH EXW LW NLQG RI VHHPV OLNH \RX¡UH WUROOLQJ WKH JRY¡W DQG WKH 8 6 ZLWK \RXU FDELQHW DSSRLQWPHQWV 6RXWKHUQ ZKLWH VHPL UDFLVW JX\ WR KHDG WKH -XVWLFH 'HSDUWPHQW 5LFN 3HUU\ heading the same agency he wanted to get rid of, a woman who hates public education running our SXEOLF VFKRROV ZH JHW \RXU Ă RZ DQG \HDK LW¡V KLODULRXV :K\ QRW NHHS LW FRPLQJ E\ DGGLQJ -HVWHU WR WKH SUHVV SRRO" $ VDWLUH PDJD]LQH FRYHULQJ \RXU :KLWH +RXVH SUHVV EULHĂ€QJV ZRXOG EH FODVVLF 'RQQLH ,Q DGGLWLRQ KHUH DW -HVWHU ZH IHHO OLNH ZH XQGHUVWDQG WKH UHDO 'RQQLH XQGHUQHDWK DOO RI WKDWÂŤ RU DQJH :KLOH WKH UHVW RI WKH ZRUOG VHHV \RX DV D VH[LVW PLVRJ\QLVWLF VRFLRSDWKLF QDUFLVVLVWLF ROG FUHHS\ JUDEEHU ZH MXVW VHH D JX\ ZKR ZDQWV WR EH JUDEEHG EDFN 0D\EH VFUDWFKHG EHKLQG WKH HDUV" 5XEEHG RQ WKH EHOO\" )URP ZKDW ZH KHDU DERXW \RXU SDZV LW VRXQGV OLNH \RX PLJKW QRW EH DEOH WR UHWXUQ WKH IDYRU EXW ZH GRQ¡W FDUH :H¡OO WDNH \RX IRU D ZDON DURXQG WKH EORFN DQ\ GD\ :H VHH WKH UDJLQJ K\SRFULV\ of the fringe left liberals who are all too eager to go out and hug a tree, yet aren’t even willing to get physical with their dear ol’ Prez. /RRN KHUH 'RQQLH \RX VWDUWHG IURP WKH ERWWRP RI D PLOOLRQ GROODUV DQG PDGH LW DOO WKH ZD\ WR WKH WRS RI PRUH PLOOLRQV DOO ZKLOH PDLQWDLQLQJ \RXU XQFRQWUROODEO\ ´FXWHÂľ SXSS\ GRJ SHUVRQD $QG VXUH SXSSLHV SLVV RQ WKH UXJ MXPS DOO RYHU XV EDUN XQQHFHVVDULO\ HDW RXU KRPHZRUN DQG GRQ¡W PDNH WKH EHVW FKRLFHV EXW WKDW¡V ZKDW PDNHV \RX VR GDPQ ´DGRUDEOH Âľ 7KH ZRUOG QHHGV WR NQRZ \RX IRU WKH WZR ZHHN ROG JROGHQ ODE WKDW \RX WUXO\ DUH DQG KHUH DW -HVWHU ZH¡UH KHUH WR WKURZ \RX D FRXSOD ERQHV DQG squeeze in a nice round of fetch while we’re at it. 6R OLVWHQ LI \RX¡UH GRZQ WR WDNH WKLV ZKROH W\UDQQLFDO .LQJ W\SH SUHVLGHQF\ WR D new level, then why not add a Jester to your court? We shall be waiting ever so eagerly by the phone in the meantime. But don’t play hard to JHW 'RQQLH :H NQRZ \RX ZDQW XV Over and out, Jester

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