Jester Fall 2017 Issue by Jester of Columbia

jester fall 2017

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GHOSTS

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Letters to the Editor

Deaths

Corrections

Editaurus

Ask Mildred

A Day in the Life of a Ghost

Saving Lives or Taking Deaths?

Lists

Ghosts of Exes Past

I Got Ghosted by a Ghost

Horrorscopes

Grandpa Explains

Ghosts - crossword

The Return of King Georgie

A Fruit Funeral

Are You a Ghost?

2 Spooky 4 U

The Jester of Columbia, Established 1901 ~ Columbia University’s most laughable humor magazine ~ Jester is published as often as four times a year and is distributed free of charge to the Columbia community. Please stick to one copy per person. Views, ideas, opinions, or unsavory epithets expressed in Jester do not necessarily reflect those of Columbia University, its student body, or even the wise-ass college students who wrote them. Any similarities to actual people, places, or events are coincidental or satirical in nature. For information on getting involved, advertising, or our personal lives, please contact jestersubmissions@gmail.com. Also, visit us online at columbiajester.com and follow us on Facebook (Jester of Columbia) and Twitter (@CUJester). 2

Dear Jester, We appreciate your courage in coming forward with sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein. Thank you for inspiring others around the nation! Your biggest fan, Gwen P Dear Gwen P, Keep our fucking name out of your goopy mouth! Sincerely, Jester Dear Jester, How dare you buy our last container of moldy fungus-covered hummus? We’ve been cultivating our hallucinogenic hummus for two weeks, and were about ready to pop open a few bags of pita chips and fly to the moon. That was all we had to look forward to for the month of October. If you’re reading this, it’s not too late to make things right. Soberly yours, Morton Williams Staff

Letters to the Editor

Drea M-WIllz Stafffffff, I’m communicating with you from the 16th dimension. Chill the fuck out. Smoke some ganja. Try to get on my level. Peace out, J-Dawg

Dear Jester, You swallowed your last tooth instead of leaving it under your pillow. I saved the money and spent it on coke. I have lost custody of my fairy godchildren. I hate you for reactivating my sweet tooth. Yours highedly, The Tooth Fairy Dear Toothy, My shit had teeth. You can pick it out if you like. I just ate a burrito. Yours fartingly, The Jester

Cor rect i

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ons

DEATHS

. Jazz: Ryan Gosling failed neral musical Aaron Burr/ Ge new by led Kil Hamilton: Lee. it in the back of a Via. Your dignity: Chad stole edge the room doesn’t acknowl The modern condition: If e yourself? you, can you acknowledg I joined the Jester. My innocence: Died after to death while wandering Hillary Clinton: Starved wake depressive stupor in the around in the woods in a of her campaign. e to the phone right now. The Old Taylor: Can’t com are back. Orgasms: Straight men ore? gonna call? No one anym Ghostbusters: Who you for ing ed-in mine shaft search Bob Saget: Died in a cav e video. America’s funniest hom it’s all political. Casual Drug Use: Now re fine people. Calling Nazis evil: They’ n dead”: I can open my ow Saying that “chivalry is damned door. die online now Print Obituaries: People renia: e your paranoid schizoph Using a Bluetooth to hid won. The fear of brain cancer editions ago but we didn’t The fax machine: Died 15 it before. care enough to mention es on a farm upstate”. Your spirit animal: “it liv the water buffalo Johnny Depp: Impaled by commercial. on the set of the Sauvage

EDITAURUS DEAR READER, JESTER Editors-in-Chief Supriya Ambwani Catherina Gioino Managing Editor Sean Rafferty Treasurer Michelle Goff Staff Writers Tanmay Khandelwal Mark Prusakowski Andrew Schur Ethan Widell Cover Art Andrew Schur Layout Design Andrew Schur Sam Doss

It’s been a difficult year. The harvest was grim. When the Jester staff took to the fields with our scythes of humour and truth, we only reaped baskets full of lame-o ghosts and their whack ass stories. One would think that after spilling so much blood, after crying enough tears to fill an aboveground pool, and after puking up barrels upon barrels of Captain Morgan’s spiced rum over these last three issues (Death, Memorial, and Resurrection, for those of you who lack game), that the Jester would be possessed by the Bloody Barron or Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore; to our profound consternation, not even friendly little Casper dignified us with a playful possession of our souls. Perhaps our brief stints at Soulless University in the City of Soullessness have prevented even the mightiest of ghosts from locating our souls. In the Ghosts issue, all our ghost writers suck at being ghosts. This doesn’t mean that they’re not bloodcurdlingly terrifying. We have ghosts who ghost stalkers, ghosts who fake astrology in bed, and confused ghosts who return to haunt Soulless University in the City of Soullessness on the night of Halloween. Nonetheless, our ghosts are still the best ghosts with the best words and the best ghostery.

public safety officer. But that’s not the point. The point is that he messed with Jester and reaped the spiritual consequences. Late last night, a group of dasterdly ghosts lifted him out of his bed while he was asleep and placed an entrancement upon him that led to a furious made-out sesh with Alma’s owl. We hear Prez Bo is still recovering from the trauma of chancing upon that scene during his midnight stroll. So mock our ghosts all you want, dear reader. Accuse them of being benign. Spread rumours about how uncool they are. But when you’re suspended upside-down from the Columbia flagpole by your granny panties do well to remember our harvest— that it may have been grim, but not in the literal sense. Respect the historical piece of literature in your hands. Bref, respect the ghosts, and the ghosts won’t haunt you. Stay unhaunted, Supriya Ambwani Editor-in-Chief

So what if they don’t make you shit your musty sweatpants at the very sound of their names? They will possess you the same way they possessed all our illustrious members. Don’t believe me? Neither did that public safety officer when he caught me licking Alma’s cheek and I told him that I had been possessed by the ghost of David Chester French who simply wanted to give his muse a goodnight kiss. Do you know what he does now? Well, actually he’s still a

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery - by mark prusakowski It’s Halloween night. The year is 1989. You and your two best friends, Billy and Becky, are out trick-or-treating all by your six-year-old selves without any parental supervision whatsoever. Your bags are full to bursting with candy, your feet are starting to tire … it’s time to call it a night. Suddenly, a howl erupts from the spooky mansion at the end of the street, the one your parents are always warning you never to go near. Billy’s eyes widen. “Did you just hear that?” he asks excitedly. “What do you think that sound was? We should totally go check it out!” “I-I don’t know, you guys,” stammers Becky, “My parents would kill me if they found out I was hanging out near the Drakestone Mansion. I heard a kid died there back in the 60’s. It’s supposed to be really haunted.” They both turn to stare at you. It looks like you’ll have to be the one making the decisions again, as usual. If you join Billy on an epic quest toward adventure and almost certain death, turn to page 5 part A. If you ignore your childish urges and head home for a relaxing and uneventful night with your parents, turn to page 5 part B. 4

ASK MILDRED ~THE HORNY STUDENT EDITION~

Dear Mildred, I entered the Butler stacks for the first time last night after spending many dawns gazing at the people exiting the stacks, flushed with the excitement of having completed their homework. Around midnight, I heard a woman shrieking and got really scared. I think the stacks are haunted. How do so many people study there? Yours spookedly, Mary Hymen Dear Mary-Waiting-To-Marry, If you survive at Columbia long enough to lose that hymen, you will soon be ‘studying’ there too. Do not be afraid of the shrieking- it’s just the disembodied spirit of Ann Thorton yelling, “YOU WILL ENTER BUTLER 209 OVER MY DEAD BODY”. Many students use her voice as an aphrodisiac. Yours reassuredly, Mildred

gle-use bathrooms, Butler’s roof, Riverside Park (especially if you’re looking for an unwanted third party), and behind Alma Mater at exactly 2:39 p.m. next Monday. Yours voyeuristically, Mildred Dear Mildred, My professor keeps making eyes at me and giving me looks when I talk in class. Is she looking at me because she’s into me or because I’m stupid? Sincerely, Academically Inclined Student Dear Academically Inclined Student, What’s your grade in the class? If it’s above a B, go for it. If it’s below a B, she probably just thinks you’re stupid. Sincerely, Mildred

Dear Mildred, She doesn’t have a single and neither do I. Where can we have sex? Sincerely, A sexually deprived roommate Dear sexually deprived roommate, I recommend John Jay sin-

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: “Quit being such a girl, Becky,” you say, which is totally fine because it’s still the 80s, remember? But enough about gender politics; it’s monster-huntin’ time. Turn to page 6 part A. Part B: Wow, you’re such a loser. Kids like you never get to be in movies. You run back home to your mommy and daddy like the spineless coward you are and spend the rest of your childhood wondering why no one else wants to be friends with you. 5 THE END.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GHOST by michelle goff 9:30 am: Wake up and check if I’m still dead. It’s tricky business, being a ghost trapped on Earth. Especially here on Columbia’s campus - there’s a lot of existential dread surrounding me, and sometimes I wonder if I really am a ghost, you know? 9:45 am: Knock some shit off the walls to really freak out my living roommate, who still can’t see me. 10:10am Head to first class late. Talk over the mansplainer because nobody can see me raising my hand. Watch him try to mansplain away the unexplainable assertions coming out of my mouth. Throw pencil grip in his mouth, choking him to death after he claims that “there is no such thing as ghosts.” 10:20am: Immediately regret killing mansplainer. He’s trying to explain how to be a ghost to me as if I haven’t been doing this for a thousand years. 11:25am: Head over to Ferris for some avocado toast. Laugh at all the living losers who get yelled at for trying to sneak in without swiping as I casually saunter in without swiping. 11:26am: Uh-oh, mansplainer is in Ferris. He looks like he might want to sit with me. Never mind, he’s going for the girls with Planned Parenthood buttons. 1:00pm: Take a nice nap on the empty lawn in front of Butler. 3:00pm: After awakening, spend an hour putting my foot in the path of unsuspecting freshmen walking past Butler and laughing as they trip. 4:10pm: Head to my next class. Incessantly flip the lights in the lecture hall. 6:00pm: Take PrezBo’s Audi out for a spin. 7:30pm: Head to JJ’s for dinner. Take all the M&Ms and Gummy Bears and watch the sadness enter people’s eyes when they find out the bowls are empty. 9:00pm: Start all the washers in all the dorms so that anyone trying to do laundry has to wait for my nonexistent clothes to get clean. 10:00pm: Ride up and down in the John Jay elevators until a line forms all the way into Hartley. 11:00pm: Pull a fire alarm or two in Schapiro. 12:00am: Wander around EC sneaking into parties and laugh at hosts who wonder why “all their alcohol is suddenly gone.” (Yes, ghosts can drink). Avoid mansplainer as he tries to hook up with every girl present. Too bad they can’t see him. On second thought, maybe he’s more likely to get a girl that way. 6:00am: Crash on someone’s sofa, sleep, wake up, and repeat.

SAVING LIVES OR TAKING DEATHS? by ethan widell There is no debate that the last century has led to immeasurable advances in human life. With enhanced technology and medicine, we humans are living longer than ever before. But our newfound longevity may come at a steep cost to the ghost community, which has faced a considerable drop in new ghosts. Jester has consulted with some key figures from both sides of the issue on whether preserving human lives is worth the price paid by our ghastly counterparts. Members of the primarily ghost ‘Pro-Death’ party have been especially vocal in voicing their concerns. “Ghosts are not born the same way that human babies are,” they claim. “Two ghosts can’t just light a couple of candles, put on some soft music, and start popping out baby ghosts. You’ve gotta have someone die, so saving a human life is essentially ghost abortion”. On the other hand, the equally vocal activist group in support of saving people, the ‘Nifty Association for Supernatural Annihilation’, or NASA (named thus to avoid the confusion of calling the group ‘pro-life’), readily points out that we are all going to have the chance to become ghosts eventually. While it agrees with this suggestion, the pro-death party counters that ghosts retain the age of their death as humans. “Otherwise, there would just be a bunch of ghost babies around, and that’s really creepy, even for us”, they claim. For this reason, many ghosts are actually happy about the drop in overall infant mortality rates in recent decades. Many people wonder why there would be baby ghosts anyway, since they don’t seem to have any unfinished business. As it turns out, there are a lot of stressed-out babies. Similarly, the increase in average life expectancy has led to lots of elderly ghosts. One ghost stated, “In the old days, all of the disease meant that there were ghosts of all ages around, but now ghosts are super old… like 70. They are really ghastly and pallid, like all ghosts, but wrinkly too, and they stick around, like, literally forever, so we would really prefer that people die earlier. Besides, if more people knew the eternal torment and restlessness fun that came with being a ghost, they would really reconsider this whole saving lives thing”. So the next time that you are in a position to save a life, think twice about whether it is the right thing to do.

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: Flanked by your friends, you slowly make your way up the creaking steps to the rotten front porch. You’re about to grab the knocker when a sudden gust of wind swings the door wide open, revealing a long, dark hallway enshrouded in shadow. You can make out two glowing red eyes staring back at you from the inky blackness. If you step into the house, eager to discover who - or what - those spooky red eyes belong to, continue to part B. If you decide to enter the house some other way, turn to page 8 part C. Part B It’s a werewolf! Run! If you’re in peak physical condition from all the hours you’ve been spending at the gym lately, and you’ve been rubbing it in everyone’s faces, turn to page 8 part A If you’re so out of shape that you think crunches are a type of candy bar, turn to page 8 part B. 6

Things You Find in Riverside Park

LISTS

• Sex on the roof of Butler • Join the Jester • Feel Chad’s hair • Steal PrezBo’s Audi • Turn Suzanne Goldberg’s office into a sex dungeon • Smoke weed in Butler with Ann Thortnon • Fart on Mary C Boyce’s chair • Occupy the Wallach Sky Lounge • Crash a Carman party as a senior • Get anally probed by Public Safety • Sled down Low Steps in July

• Haunt the tunnels • Build extra staircases in Lerner • Become boyz with the campus Chaplain • Burst Noise Crackers in Butler the night before finals • Have sex in Barnard • Have Sex with Barnard • Lead a rebellion • Seduce Alma • Occupy the stacks until you get laid • Become a Barnard Dog • Join a circumcising cult • Become part of the core • Drop out of Columbia

Things to do before graduating Columbia

• Chew ice • Steal from Blue Java • Steal and cuddle Kristen Kromm’s dog • The cockroach under your bed • Play hide-and-seek by yourself • Draw pictures on family photo albums • Watch Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives • Dig holes in the yard and then fill them back up. • Read the entire Wikipedia pages for different types of perennial bunchgrasses • Give yourself away to substance abuse (or a random subway guy)

Things to do while crying uncontrollably

• Slather your genitals in enticing butters and follow your dog around. • Knit • Gamble on horses • Join J-Date • Dye your pubes • Swipe right • Make an Adult Friend Finder account • Drop your 4th course • Get a tramp stamp of the Dalai Lama with Donald Trump’s hair • Masturbate • Finally take a shower • Suck on a lollipop • Eat and take it all in • Take a shit and let it all out

• Grass • The other grass • Condoms • Used condoms • The condoms’ owners • Racoons • A single tree • Empty Shake Shack bags • Persistent, overweight birds • Sunsets & darkness • Irate bikers • Brief and ephemeral happiness • The elderly • Kids • Yourself

• Sex • Adderall • Ann Thornton • No empty spaces • Decaying books • Condoms used as bookmarks • Cockroaches • Creepy messages on bathroom stalls • Annoyed grad students • Depression • Anxiety • Pyjamas • Smelly people • Insomnia • Tears • Not the marching band • Despair

• A large muscular man teaching women how to squat • The Ethiopian food truck man and his food truck • Your innocence • Rappers you thought were dead • Hippie to kiss • Dog to steal • Inner whore • The Hudson river • Genitals of a dead cat • A nice hat • The G-spot • The Chamber of Secrets

• Dementors • Greasy hair • Week old Sweetgreen salad • Hallucinations • More tears • Someone picking their nose behind Infinite Jest • The Jester archives • The person across from you that has not left his seat in three days • The sunrise • Asian tourists • Someone wiping a booger on Infinite Jest • More sex

Things You Saw in Butler

I GOT GHOSTED BY A GHOST by supriya ambawi

THE POETRY SECTION

Alas! My blade was blunt So I ccouldn’t make him grunt Our transparent bodies thrusting My wrist cuffed to a headboard that’s rusting I tried to lay In front of a train But it was 9pm on Sunday And the 2 train was not running on the fast lane I got hungry and crawled off the track Stole some pizza from a subway rat Will I die if I steal the homeless man’s crack? Or will he sell me to an acrobat? I want to join my loverThe invisible man who ghosted me Shall be followed by me forever Ghosts can’t issue restraining orders Right? Because ghostland has no borders If I die, we will be together forever And he will never ghost me again- never ever I got ghosted by a ghost But he’s the one who’s going to roast I will find him and stalk him for eternity Or get preggers and prove his paternity I can do this! Redemption will be mine Forever, I shall live in bliss Because ghosting me is just a sign Of wanting to give me a big ghost kiss I drift along Ecstatic, suicidal Hope covers me like smoke in a bong

Theodore, age 19. He would really prefer if you call him Teddy. He likes wholesome memes and he loves hismother.Seriously,she’shisbestfriend.He would “never” solicit sex from you “without yourconsent”.Hewillshowupexactlywhere you need him, when you need him. He will kill your cockroaches for you. If you don’t reciprocatebybecominghispartnerimmediately, he will probably kill your family. Chad, age 21. Tells you that you are beautiful. Buys you dinner. Has sex with you once. Buys you drinks so he can have sex with you again. Is also repeating the same actions with lots of other people. Wayne, age 20. Alt. Edgy. Wants you to know how alt and edgy he is. Suggests weird bedroom activities. Unclear if he showers regularly or not. Pretends to care about world issues. Really, he’s just a vegan. Will break up with you if you don’t eat tofu. David, age 22. “Woke” white boy who is working at Goldman Sachs to change the world. Probably won’t. You’ll break up because he ridicules you for being in a useless major. Mike, age 18. It seems like it’s going to work out, but it

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

THE NOT-POETRY SECTION

I tried to slit my wrist So that I could see him and inquire “Did you ever anticipate this plot twist?” Coz joining him would be fyre

We’ve all been around the track a couple of times at least and know that sometimes it helps to know that we are not alone with our relationship problems. That’s why we here at Jester have compiled a comprehensive list of potential people you may have dated...or people to watch out for in the future!

GHOSTS OF EXES PAST by michelle goff

I drift along Sad, senseless Despair stuffs me like smoke in a bong

Part A: You’re so engrossed in outrunning the werewolf and ignoring the sound of your friends getting eaten to notice the sea of bear traps littering the street in front of you. Your death is painful and, frankly, pretty much justified. THE END Part B: Oh, well. Points for honesty, I guess. Anyway, you die. THE END Part C: You’ve seen enough Die Hard to know that the only way to break into a terrorist/monster-infested building is through the ventilation system. The three of you manage to find a vent near the back of the house and squeeze yourselves into it, ignoring the fact that there’s no way a two hundred-year-old mansion would even have vents like this. In a matter of minutes, you’ve made your way into the basement. If you investigate the ornately carved coffin in the corner, turn to page 9 part A. If you climb up the stairs, turn to page 9 8 part C

HORRORSCOPES by ethan widell

Ghosts of Christmas Future: What Will You Do Over Winter Break?

Aries You will discover that your parents have given your old room to the ghost that’s been haunting their house lately. Taurus Your long-dead aspirations will come to haunt you when family friends ask if you are still pre-med. Gemini You will expect new presents but you will get a new presence. The phrase ‘The Holiday Spirit’ will never again hold the same meaning for you. Cancer You will discover first-hand that death really is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Leo Many say that what matters is not the size of the ship but the motion of the ocean. However, you will find that they both matter when the motion of the ocean capsizes your ship, forcing you onto a much less impressive life-raft. Virgo You will unknowingly discover how to make love to a ghost. How does that work? I guess you’ll find out.

Libra Your dreams will come true over the holidays, displaying your unquestionable need to stop watching horror movies before bed. Scorpio So the bomb shelter will only accept America’s 100 most important individuals. Being the 101st most important person in the US is still pretty impressive though. Sagittarius You have recently been texting the cute girl in your lab section. However, two weeks into the break, she will ghost you, dropping all communication, and you not see each other again until a particularly uncomfortable encounter at 1020. Capricorn Your house is not haunted: the ghastly moaning that you will keep hearing will be better explained by your brother’s new girlfriend. Aquarius They say that you change lovers like you change clothes, and indeed the raggedy sweatshirt that you have worn every day for the past two years explains the consistent inactivity of your love life. Pisces Avoid basing your decisions on vague or unsupported predictions from unreliable sources, such as anything written by the Fed.

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: Oh no! You’ve awoken some kind of ancient wizard ghost thing! Quick, roll some dice! If you roll a three or lower, continue to part B. If you roll a four or higher, continue to part B. Part B: Unimpressed by your dice-rolling skills, the wizard sucks out your soul. THE END Part C: You’ve climbed to the top of the stairs and are about to open the door leading out of the basement when you hear a deep rumbling sound coming from the other side. The hairs on the back of your neck stand on end and your heart starts to race at a million miles a second. “Come on, you guys, let’s go home,” pleads Becky. “This is getting way too scary for me.” If you finally decide to listen to reason and call off your pointless adventure, turn to page 5 part B. If you ignore Becky’s whining and follow Billy deeper into the house, turn to page 10 part A.

GRANDPA EXPLAINS by sean rafferty

Episode #105 (transcript); Scooby Doo Meets the Wu Tang Clan From WHNJ, Hackensack, I’m Skip Gumlick, and you’re listening to “Grandpa Explains.” We’ve got a very special show for you on this All Souls Day—a show that, we’re hoping, will playfully welcome residents of the spirit plane as they pass over our own temporal one. Briefly, for any first-time listeners, what we do here at Grandpa Explains is choose something—a movie, concept, mechanism—and ask somebody’s grandpa to explain it. Listener Paulie Barbieri won the nomination last week, so his grandpa (they call him “Pooh-Pa), Vincenzo Barbieri of Howard Beach, Queens, joined us in the studio. His task: summarize the animated cult mashup feature, Scooby Doo Meets the Wu Tang Clan. 10.18.2017 – 3:08 p.m. GUMLICK: Welcome, welcome. BARBIERI: Aw, geeze-ser-ee, look at this place. It’s like a glass tissue box, isn’t it? GUMLICK: …yeah, I could see that. Hey, thanks for coming all the way out here. BARBIERI: Well, it’s baked fish at the center on Wednesdays. GUMLICK: Oh, yeah? Do you like baked fish? BARBIERI: No, that’s why I’m here. GUMLICK: Did Paulie explain a little about what we do here? BARBIERI: Eh. Paulie’s a good kid, but that earring makes him look like a fag. GUMLICK: Did he explain about the show? BARBIERI: Aw, he can’t explain nothing, kid can barely plunge a toilet. That’s all these kids, though. GUMLICK: You know Scooby Doo? BARBIERI: Oh! Course I know, course. Is that still going on? Aw, Great Danes are beautiful, beautiful…only live about 6 years. Lucky bastards, hehe. You know, when we were kids, we were poor, poor, didn’t have much. In the depression, we ate ketchup sandwiches with no bread. Had to brush our teeth with hairbrushes. But what we did have was this little rat mutt, they called him Rascal, like a rascal, like a menace, you know? Foolster. Rascal, they called him. And he was a rascal. So, but, so, when you’re poor, all of your friends are poor, too. Just a bunch of poor bunch of foolsters standing around sucking condiments, just pounding each other in the dirt, just

bored, jerkin’ off in dugouts and carwashes. But that Rascal, he gave me something wholesome to do. I’d take him on long, neverending walks to Prospect Park, to the Long Meadow. He could play catch. You know, he really knew his name. He really knew what you were saying when you talked to him. When you said, “Do this,” he’d do it. Or if he didn’t do it, he’d have a good reason for himself not to do it. You know that Scooby Doo character, if I remember, could talk some? Like, eh, who’s that guitar player who made his guitar talk? Like, eh, feel my feeling or something? GUMLICK: Peter Frampton? BARBIERI: Na, na. GUMLICK: Are you thinking of the Comes Alive! album? BARBIERI: Na, na. KISS, maybe? I don’t know. Nuget? Not whatever you said. Anyways. Scooby Doo. Rascal. Rascal was smart. Rascal could not speak; however, I think he was smarter than this Scooby Doo character, because Rascal had a sense of courage about him—we had these big cats that would eat garbage and mate, loudly, in the alleyway outside our building. And you know, when they started coming around, Rascal didn’t just bow down. He made himself known, went over there any chance he got and said, “Hey, cats. You remember whose alley you’re living in.” That’s all. Just, “Hey, cats.” That’s all. And he hung out there, with the cats. I don’t think Scooby would’ve done that with the cats. And, and, and, he’s always eating their food. I say this because we had so little—there were days when my father actually suggesting eating Rascal (he was always too skinny to be worth the trouble)—that if he ever pulled what Scooby pulls with the picnic baskets and eating everybody’s dinner all the time, and his [imitates Scooby’s demented cackle], I would’ve snapped his little neck myself… GUMLICK: Okayyy, great so you’re familiar. Let’s uh, let’s get this started yeah? Wanna get th-the, uh, show rolling? A-and, you know, put a pin, in that, we’ll talk after the show, yeah? BARBIERI: Gumlick? What in the hell’d your people do? … Same – 5:13 p.m. [We watched Scooby Doo Meets the Wu Tang Clan] GUMLICK: We’re back on… BARBIERI: Aw, God. Eh, that was funny. That was funny. Nancy Reagan, that cunt. Ah, God. GUMLICK: Alright, well, try not to…okay. So, Pooh-pa. Can

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: God, Becky is such a tool. You and Billy decide to leave her alone in the basement like the good friends you are and see what’s on the other side of the door. It looks like an ordinary, empty hallway … but what’s that? Something just dashed up the stairs! If you decide to immediately follow whatever it was up the staircase, continue to part B. If you first head into the kitchen to grab some kind of weapon, turn to page 11 part A. Part B: You idiot! How do you know there’s not a vampire or something up there? I’m not even going to bother with a death scene; you die just because you’re stupid. THE END 10

you give our listeners a nice thorough summary of what you just watched? BARBIERI: Oh sure, sure. Hehe. Oh boy. I’d never heard of those young men before, the black ones. You know, I think Staten Island’s lovely, myself… GUMLICK: Why don’t you start by telling them what we watched, here. [holds up the title for Barbieri to read] BARBIERI: Scooby Doo Meets the Wu Tang Clan. GUMLICK: So, what was it about, what happens? BARBIERI: Alright, alright, aright, arigh, ara…so, the kids are driving their van, looks like they’re on 278, actually. You know, I did some work on that road in the ‘80s, it was, a nightmare. And the sandwiches they gave us…the bread was wet. Like they just, plunk, dunked ‘em in the river. Just soggy, soggy. And I’ve never liked Swiss, and that’s what they bought, because it’s cheaper with the holes. You can buy less cheese for the same amount of sandwiches… GUMLICK: So they’re driving down the road… BARBIERI: Yeah, so they’re on probably 278, sounds like the one with ascot… GUMLICK: Fred… BARBIERI: Yeah, Freddie’s got something with a frisbee going on at Freshkills Park, which is, coincidentally where I took Martha Baxter’s virginity after a school hop. [a long silence pervades the studio as Pooh-Pa loses himself inside a memory] GUMLICK: Yeah, so they’re headed to Fred’s ultimate frisbee tournament. BARBIERI: Ultimate frisbee, that’s it. Eck, what is that? Frisbee’s for dogs, not men. GUMLICK: Sure, and then what? BARBIERI: Oh, well, you know, of course, Scooby has eaten their lunch, once again. The little orange one with the glasses says some strange things about evolution, I think. And there’s no punishment for the dog! Scooby just eats their lunch and they move on. It’s a wonder he doesn’t go to the bathroom in the car…So, they see Scooby ate their lunch, they chat chat chat, and then out of nowhere they have a tire blowout, so now they’re stuck, but there’s a junkyard not too far ahead, and Fred thinks they can find a tire there, which I guess isn’t a terrible idea. So they walk to junkyard and they hear all this ruckus from the outside, and of course, Shaggy and Scooby are afraid to continue which… Oh! Hold on. Okay, I was the middle of something: So, I would take Rascal to Long Meadow, and he made friends with other dogs there and they’d play, you know. But, there was one dog, and she and Baxter were lovers.

She was a Great Dane, like Scooby, but grey. And her owner’s name was Percival. He was a hoity-toity Park Slope boy’s school boy, very handsome. First boy I put mouth around. Anyways. He and I developed a great lasting friendship, and through him, I was able to see much of the world. In fact, Percival brought me to more foreign lands than the Navy… GUMLICK: Wait, wai-woah, Pooh Pa, what about the ruckus? Tell them more about the ruckus. BARBIERI: Ah, yes, uh, the ruckus. The ruckus… GUMLICK: In the junk yard… BARBIERI: Oh! Sure, the ruckus in the junkyard. Well, I mean, it sounded like there was a swordfight going on. But also, rap music. It wasn’t all that spooky I don’t think. They found the Lu Tang Clan inside. GUMLICK: Wu, Wu Tang, yeah… BARBIERI: Wu Tang, right. And they all already knew Velma, somehow? GUMLICK: Do you remember their names? BARBIERI: Hehe, just the Dirty Old Bastard, he’s my favorite. GUMLICK: Right, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, nice. And there’s Ghostface Killah, RZA, GZA, the Method Man, Inspectah Deck, Raekwon, U-God, and Masta Killa—those are all the guys at the junkyard. What were they doing when the gang showed up? BARBIERI: Oh, oh, oh yeah, hehe, they were swordfightin’! hehehehe GUMLICK: Shaolin Chess Boxing, they were playing a game called Shaolin Chess Boxing, which incorporates chess, freestyle rap, and blade and hand-to-hand combat. BARBIERI: You play? GUMLICK: No… BARBIERI: Yeah, so they find these guys, and one of them shows Velma these newspapers. San José Mercury-Sun—I remember because one of my sisters moved to San José, and she had over 20 cats, and they all pissed on the San José Mercury-Sun…And these stories were about how the U.S. government put crack in the ghettos… GUMLICK: Right, so, Gary Webb. Wrote about how in the ‘80s, the C.I.A. sold this Los Angeles dealer Ricky Donnell Ross, a.k.a. “Freeway Rick,” an enormous quantity of cocaine to fund the contras in Nicaragua, and he turned it into crack, thus a huge crack injection in Los Angeles, allegedly administered by the United States government. BARBIERI: Right, so, the rappers convince Velma to help them solve the mystery about the crack. And then a bunch

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: The kitchen walls are lined with an assortment of knives, hatchets, machetes, chainsaws, and just about every other weapon imaginable. You feel like a kid in a candy store, except instead of candy it’s instruments of death. If you pick up the sledgehammer, continue to part B. If you choose the machete, turn to page 12 part A. If you grab the old spellbook lying on the table, turn to page 12 part B. Part B: You try to pick up the sledgehammer but it’s just too heavy for your six-year-old body to lift off the ground. Eventually you give up and go for the machete. Sometimes life makes choices for us, you know? 11 Turn to page 12 part A.

of garbage slides off a junkpile, and they all hear this ghost saying all these things about peace and freedom and separation, and it chases them all out of the junkyard… GUMLICK: So, they’re confronted with the ghost of Malcolm X, it takes his form, flies through the air… BARBIERI: …and they don’t understand why he’s haunting them, because they like him. So, then they go to Freshkills Park because they’re already close. They take the Wu Tang Mobile there, and by coincidence, the journalist… GUMLICK: …Gary Webb… BARBIERI: …also plays that frisbee sport! So he’s there, in Staten Island! And they talk to him, and he seems a little weird, like he doesn’t want to talk about it. All figety. Then one of the rappers… GUMLICK: …GZA… BARBIERI: …then GZA says a poem that makes the journalist cry, and he gives the gang a clue. He tells them about these secret files in a C.I.A. archive that just happens to be across the street from Freshkills Park. You know, my son-in-law worked for A.T.F. and he always said, “Those C.I.A. bastards would make glue out of their own mothers if they thought it’d hold the system together.” Anyway, Fred loses his frisbee game probably because he didn’t get enough to eat, and they all cross the street together. They climb up to the roof of a Best Buy to scope out the government building. You know, I saw a guy smoking crack outside of a Best Buy once. He had a beautiful pipe, it had ornaments hanging off of it, really lovely. I also once saw a woman in Best Buy walking a squirrel on a leash…They start giving everyone jobs to do once they get over there, making a plan, and that’s when the ghost of Malcolm X returns! Only this time, he’s twice his normal size, and he says, “Wu Tang Clan. DO NOT attack your government. You cannot be FREE without your government. You cannot EXIST without the United States. We ARE the United States!” And then fireworks start popping off, red, white and blue, and firecrackers start snapping at their feet. So, they ran off again, back down to the parking lot. Now they know that can’t be X, so somebody’s trying to stop their investigation. They decide to go ahead with the plan, and deal with the “ghost” if came back, which I don’t

know if I buy, because I think the ghost would mess them up at the C.I.A. place, but I don’t know…So, they go to the place, and it’s, a nightmare. Shaggy and Scooby went straight to raiding refrigerators, I think Fred and Daphne walked off to make it, and you know, I think Velma and that Ghostface Killah did the same. The rest of them were left to swordfight C.I.A. operates and archivists through the offices. Then there’s a scene where Velma and Ghostface are walking through a hallway, and the ghost of Malcolm X reappears, so Velma runs into the bathroom and there’s a loud crack noise and she returns with a jagged chunk of mirror, which she holds in front of the ghost—AND IT’S A PROJECTION. AYY! Hehe, and guess which bug-eyed, pineapple-headed first lady is staring down the barrel of the projection: old Nancy Reagan, of course. Louis Farrakhan crouching beside her—he had a near perfect X impression, and since the Gipper’s death, he and Nancy became lovers. And that’s pretty much it, right? GUMLICK: Well, what happens with the C.I.A.? BARBIERI: Oh, well of course, the file’s not there. Ghostface and the gang escape through the garage, but the rest of them either were either killed in battle or become death row inmates for an armed attack on a government building. Nancy Reagan continues to her outpatient psychotherapy, and Gary Webb shot himself, twice in the head. -Well, there you have it folks. If the C.I.A. doesn’t want you to know, you probably won’t. How about that Vincenzo? —he’s a pistol, ain’t he? Maybe we can summon the ghost of Rascal tonight… Alright Tri-State, tread lightly tonight, and be wary of imposters. Until next time, from WHNJ Hackensack, I’m Skip Gumlick. This was Grandpa Explains.

l i t n U

. . . e m i t t x ne

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery Part A: Heck yeah, now we’re talking! The machete feels perfectly balanced in your tiny preteen hands, and you give it a couple of practice swings just to hear the satisfying swish it makes as it cleaves through the air. You wish your parents could see you now, but on the other hand, you kind of don’t. Turn to page 14 part A. Part B: Really? A book? You had an entire cache of weapons just sitting right in front of you and you went with a stupid old book? Whatever, it’s your adventure. Turn to page 14 part A. 12

GHOSTS By Tanmay Kahnderwal

!! GHOSTSSSS !! 1

Across Across

Down Down

2. Ghostly Spectrepectre 2. ghostly

Illusory Perspective 1.1.illusory perspective 3.3.anAnunearthly frequent visitor unearthly frequent visitor 4.4.a Alooney toons character, the tasmanian... Looney Toons Character the Tasmanian 5. mischevious imp Mischevious Imp 6.5.Edward Cullen from Twilight, for one 6. Edward Cullen from Twilight for one 9. a ghost hanging around 11. guardian 9. individual’s A ghost hanging around spirit 12. illusion 11. Individual’s guardian spirit 13. letting your mind wander 12. Illusion 17. 24th film in th film in the James Bond series 13.Irish Letting your mind wander 18. ghost 17.In24th Film in the James 21. golf; one over par Bond series 22: for a CIA operative 18.slang Irish Ghost

7. bottle of solution 7. Bottle of solution in alcoholin alcohol

8. a graveyard monster that consumes flesh 10. signature Rolls-Royce car 10. Signature Rolls-Royce Car 14. dark shadow of the moon 14. Dark of the moon 15. Shadow teleportation skills taught at Hogwarts 16. vision of man’s path being troubled 15. Teleportation skills taught at Hogwarts 19. Leonardo’s Oscar winning 16. Vision of man’s path being troubled flick 20. corpse brought to life 19. Leonardo's Oscar Winning Flick 22. spiritual essence 20. Corpse bought to life 23. imaginary horrifying experience 22. Spiritual Essence 24. devil in protest 8. A graveyard monster that consumes flesh

23. Imaginary horrifying experience

24. Devil in protest

21. In Golf: One over Par 22. Slang for a CIA operative

THE RETURN OF KING GEORGIE by tanmay khandelwal

Columbia University is an Ivy League school to which all Asian parents and white parents want to send their kids. The 5th oldest school in America, it was founded in the Golden Age of Slavery before the Civil War, way-way back by one of the largest haggard oafs who ever lived, George II of Great Britain. In the honor of his pompous and bombastic British Ass, the school was named King’s College and was made into a mental asylum. Since the cold winter day in 1754 that King’s College was created, it is has come a long way and thus it often makes the Jester wonder how our mate Georgie would react if he saw the school he worked so hard to create in such shambles. So one cold windy night, the ghosts of the president of Columbia University (not Prezbo) Georgie the Second came up to see how his life’s work was doing. The only decent institution left on campus was the Jester, so he decided to give us an interview about what he thought of Kings College and the drunken dorks who study there. Jester: King Georgie, what was your first impression when you saw Columbia now? KG2GB: It is very strange now. There are no fields. Where do my pupils play? There are just so many buildings now. I couldn’t find the way to fly in. By the way, why isn’t my name on your library? Do I not look old and white and male to you? And why are there so many patients? Back in my day, to come up here from the city was a picnic. Just a quick 2 hours and a half by horse carriage. But so many people now. I am concerned—why are there so many people who need mental help? Jester: Sir, this is no longer an asylum, but a highly-competitive institution of higher education. KG2GB: Do you mean there are no longer crazy people here? Jester: Well… KG2GB: Then why are people climbing on the head of my beloved Alma Mater at 2 in the morning and picking on her? Why is the food so bad ? Everything just tastes like a bad combination of bread and cheese. There’s no Irish

pot stew or British truffle porridge and why are the people standing in lines for food ? Why they not sit at the table and eat? I am very surprised and concerned that the number of mentally sick people has substantially gone up. Jester: We are very sorry to tell you this sir, but the mentally unstable nuthouse you founded is a school of higher education where we create the leaders of tomorrow. Our purpose is now completely redefined. KG2GB: This is so insane, I created King’s College so that the children of the elite rich and famous could send their children to college to help them getter richer and become more famous. How are we accepting normal people now? This is so disregarding of my heritage. I will shut down this crazy institution of sharecroppers. Jester: Please calm down sir, we are keeping your heritage intact, we are strongly enacting what you laid out in your dirty ragged charter. KG2GB: Glad to hear this but I am still not sure. There are so many mistakes in it now. Why have you moved so far up north now? What is this Fu Foundation or this Hamilton guy or Low or Butler whom this school is named for, why am I as the sovereign donor and owner of this school not recognized? From here forth we shall call this institution George 2’s College. In my charter, there was this school of mines where we wanted to make prospectors who dug gold for us. Where is that now? Why is there a school of law? Only kings like me make the law. This is beyond the most absurd nonsense I’ve ever encountered. Jester: Sir, it seems that you are unable to comprehend that this is the 21st century and more than 250 years have passed since you were last here. We are no longer the dingy academic institution in that small schoolhouse beside the church that you created. We are a world-renowned institution that students from all over the world strive to go to. I don’t think that you are sensible enough to ever understand this. Let us just discuss what is up with your Columbia ghost friends- or wait, do any of them even remain cause you all are so old?

COLUMBIA IS BAE

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: You’re halfway up the stairs when you realize Billy is no longer behind you. He must have already gone upstairs, you think as you enter the attic. Your suspicions are confirmed when you open the door to reveal Billy trapped in a giant spiderweb stretching from the floor to the ceiling. A jet-black spider the size of a Honda is wrapping him in a cocoon of silk and looks like it’s about to fit its giant piercing mandibles over his puny blond head. If you’re afraid of spiders, continue to part B. If you’re not afraid of spiders, or anything else for that matter, turn to page 15 part A. Part B: “Sorry Billy, gotta go,” you mutter as you close the door, ignoring his shrieks for help. You manage to make it back home safely, but word gets out that you let your best friend die, and you’re treated like a monster for the rest of your life. 14 THE END

KG2GB: You are very insolent, dork. My friends do remain, they are still very much alive. Can you not see them every night, marching down this red brick pathway in front of the large domed building? Can you not see the dinosaur who played the piano or the ghosts of Scandal with the white face mask and the dark animal leather dressing? I have seen them every day now for the past 3 days. I will see them even now. However, I cannot understand their yibber-yabber or the reason they do not wear their Tudorian English dresses now. I met captain Smith the Great who was dressed in green overalls and cap with red hair and roaming around with a bluish fairy, apparently, he’s changed his name to Peter Pan now. Oh! and I met another one, Shaggy and Scooby, they were my favorite gatekeeper

and his dog. I always wondered how a dog could be this big until I understood that the dog was one that could be transfigured to a human. That was so interesting. Anyways, I must jump over now to the white steps to meet my friends. Ahoy, see you! Jester: Dude, do you even know what Halloween is? But Georgie was long gone to join the Halloween parade. Little did he know that this was not the pompous and bombastic town parade he organized, this was Halloween and Georgie didn’t know. Poor Georgie I hope you can see the benefits of time travel now.

THE PUN SECTION A FRUIT FUNERAL by andrew schur

Pineapple 1: Why did they do that to Alex? Why?! Pineapple 2: He had a prickly demeanor. He was also very dole. Apple 1: Hey did you hear? Apple 2: Yeah man, Stewart died. Apple 1: Damn. Shook me to the core. Apple 2: Yeah Monaca died too. Apple 1: Apparently she had something bad in cider. Tomato 1: Hey did you hear? Alfonso died last week! Tomato 2: Oh really? How’d it happen? Tomato 1: Well word on the street is he was walking with his parents and lagging behind and his dad got mad and stomped on him and told him to ketchup. Peanut 1: Shame about Tom. Peanut 2: I know, man. I know. Peanut 1: How’d it happen? Peanut 2: I’m not sure. The paper just said he was assaulted. Peach 1: I don’t know what to think about Jerry’s

death. Peach 2: I know, I know. What a pity. Cherry 1: I read in the paper that Karen’s death was connected to Tammy’s. Cherry 2: No way, really? Cherry 1: Surprising right? The police said the murders stemmed from the same suspect. Banana 1: Even after hearing it from Jenny I still can’t believe it! Banana 2: Ahh I know it’s unexplainable. Florence shouldn’t have died like that. Banana 1: And in such a grotesque manner! The papers wouldn’t even get near the accident because it was so unapeeling. Wheat Stalk 1: I just cannot believe that Marie would die so early. Wheat Stalk 2: Same. They say it came from stress from her job. Wheat Stalk 1: I guess she hit the grind too hard.

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery

Part A: “Yo, webhead!” you shout, doing your best to look intimidating despite the fact that you’re still wearing your Kermit costume. The spider turns its head. Its eight eyes narrow into slits, and it steps off the web towards you. You look down at the weapon in your hand, hoping to God that it’ll be enough to slay this terrifying beast. If you chose the machete earlier, continue to part B. If you chose the spellbook, turn to page 16. Part B: Letting out a frightening roar, you charge at the giant spider, machete held high. You swing at its front leg, but recoil in surprise as the blade bounces harmlessly off its skin. Upon closer inspection, you realize that your machete is actually a plastic toy. You’d curse yourself for making such a foolish mistake, but you’re too busy getting torn apart limb from limb in the spider’s unrelenting jaws. 15 THE END

HOW SPOOKY ARE U

by mark prusakowski

ARE YOU A GHOST? by michelle goff

1. Do you often find yourself walking through walls? a. Yes b. No 2. On average, what percent of the people you meet can actually see you? a. 5-10% b. 90-100% 3. How often do you feel like you’re dressed for the wrong century? a. All the time b. Only when my mom picks out my clothes. 4. When was the last time you saw your best friend? a. 2 centuries ago b. 2 seconds ago 5. Do you have an iPhone? a. A what? b. Of course! 6. Who’s the current President of the United States? a. What’s a president? What’s the United States? b. Definitely still Obama. 7. What’s your favorite Netflix show? a. Wait is Netflix like the new Globe Theater? b. The Office reruns. 8. What is your current relationship status? a. Engaged to the most eligible bachelor(ette). b. Single and ready to mingle (just not with last night’s hookup). 9. Do you enjoy reading the Jester? a. I read it all the time, it’s hilarious! b. Nah, that crap rots your brain. I wouldn’t read it over my dead body. 10. How did you die? a. The black plague. b. I mean, I’m dead inside but I’m pretty sure I’m still alive on the outside. If you answered mostly As: You are 100% a ghost! You may be trapped in the wrong century, but never fear! If you promote the Jester, pretty soon all your cohorts will want to kill themselves and then you won’t feel so alone! If you answered mostly Bs: Columbia hasn’t gotten you down yet. You’re still alive, but keep an eye out! Between flying cockroaches in dorm rooms, the soul-sucking nature of Butler, and the STDs that run rampant on this campus, your time may be coming sooner than you expect!

The Mystery of the Mysterious Mystery Mansion Mystery Chucking the book at the spider with all your might, you knock its head off to reveal … Mr. Shivers! The creepy janitor! In a freakishly realistic spider costume! “Mr. Shivers!” you gasp. “So it was you all along!” “That’s right!” he barks. “I’ve been hiding up here in this mansion for months running a covert drug-trafficking ring! And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you and your-” He looks around. “Wait a second … are you all alone?” “Yep!” you say proudly. “So nobody else knows you’re here?” “Nope!” He pauses to think, shrugs, pulls out a gun, and shoots you in the head. 16 THE END

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