Look Like Yourself | Volume 1 | 2017 by Jaden Remy Rogers Portfolio

LOOK LIKE YOURSELF A VISUAL STORY OF GENDER VOLUME 1 | 2017

IN DEDICATION TO THOSE WITHOUT A VOICE

CONTENT

ABOUT THE PROJECT

SHAYNE MALCOM

MUR PH

JAMES DE LA VEGA

TEE GEE

A visual exploration into the

MEET THE MAN BEHIND

I had a ton of moments when I

I was really young. Probably

I think my whole life I fought

diverse lives of transgender and

THE CAMERA

was little that things just didn’t

6 or 7. I never wanted to be

with my gender subconsciously

gender-nonconforming people.

Self-taught transgender

quite feel right, but I didn’t have

in dresses, or play with “girl’s”

but I really didn’t have the

photographer Shayne Malcolm

the language or the knowledge

toys. I desperately begged for

language or community to

strives to bring awareness to

to explain it or even give it a

Legos and action figures.

understand what it meant.

the transgender and gender

name.

non-conforming community of Philadelphia through his project “Look Like Yourself.”

CONTENT

JADEN REMY

LINH DUONG

SYDNEY

CAROLINE

NICK

When I look back on it now,

I grew up in a very conserva-

I had a ton of moments when I

Growing up I didn’t necessar-

I started noticing at a very

look through my childhood

tive/Vietnamese household

was little that things just didn’t

ily understand any particular

young age that I was different

photos, think about the toys I

where the standard was long

quite feel right, but I didn’t have

concepts of gender; I have two

than most other children.

played with, I don’t think I ever

beautiful black hair, tiny frame,

the language or the knowledge

brothers (I’m the middle child)

As long as I can remember,

related to being female.

and dresses… all of which didn’t

to explain it or even give it a

and didn’t do any stereotypi-

I’ve always been attracted to

suit me at all.

name.

cally ‘feminine’ activities

females.

CONTENT

EMERSYN IO

KAYDEN

GABBY

AUTUMN

SHANE

I do relate to the gender I was

I think I was about four or five

I realized I was a different at a

The earliest memory I have of

I’m not sure that there was ever

assigned at birth in the sense

years old when someone said

very young age. I was around 5

not relating to my birth gender

one perfect light bulb moment.

that I identify as a woman. But

“you can’t do that, you’re a girl!”

years old and all I wanted to do

is around age 5 during Sunday

I know it’s kind of anticlimactic

what it means to be a woman,

That’s when I knew things were

was play with girl things and be

School. The girls would usu-

but I think that it was more of a

and what that means to me

different, but I really didn’t know

identified as female.

ally go play house and I was

gradual unfurling of revelations

specifically, has changed a

what that meant.

expected to go with the boys

that lead me to realize that I

and play with trucks and dig-

genuinely was not a cis person.

great deal over time.

ging tools.

CONTENT

CAI

ELISE

RILEY

BRYAN

LOGAN

Spring 2009 was when I had the

When I was about 14, I was in

The best discourse I ever heard

I don’t know if I would ever say

I always thought I was a boy

terminology for how I felt. I think

my 2nd queer relationship, and

for how I felt, was, “it’s not like

I never related to my birth gen-

when I was very young. My sis-

that I had known for a while

I realized I was never going to

I’m trapped in the wrong body,

der. I kind of just grew into my

ter Kelly is 18 months younger

before then.

feel comfortable identifying as

I’m trapped in other people’s

truth if that makes sense. My

than me and looking back I

a lesbian.

perceptions about my body”.

mother has always been very

truly thought I was a boy and

accepting and she never forced

she was a girl.

any strict gender roles on me growing up.

CONTENT

106

102

110

JASE

AYDEN

JENNIFER

CHRIS

DARIUS

I was about 5 or 6. I remem-

Looking back at my life Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve

When I was 3 years old I had

This one is easy. My very first

My relation to masculinity and

ber standing in my bathroom

always been a little boy but it

the idea that at some point

memories of my childhood

subsequent lack of relation to

tub looking at my body and

took me until I was 19 to realize

in everyoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life they got to

start around the age of 4, when

femininity was definitely more

exploring its features. I have 3

who I was. Mentally it was like

choose which gender they

I would pray/wish every night

of a waveform than a straight-

older siblings. Two sisters and

my first breath of air especially

wanted to be, and I knew that

that I would wake up the next

line.... However, one of the first

a brother.

due to the long battle I went

I wanted to be a girl more than

day with a penis and become

time I can remember being de-

through beforehand.

anything.

a boy.

pressed about not being born a boy was at a very young age.

CONTENT

118

114

126

122

130

MADISON

RANDI

GINA

ALEX

OLIVER

Growing up was difficult, my

When I look back on my life I’ve

Mentally back when I was

Up until 3rd grade (about age

Well, my birth gender is

father was very anti LGBTQ, He

always been a boy at heart and

younger and very uneducated

8), I thought I was a boy for all

non-binary. I know that some

forced his views on me and if I

always thought of myself as

about trans science or the trans

intents and purposes. My par-

people may feel differently, but

deviated from what he saw as

male but it took me until I was

community in general, I kind of

ents were open minded, and

I’ve heard from lots of other

being normal id face a multi-

26 to finally come to terms with

just accepted that I was “male”

had always let me have a short

trans people who agree that

tude of beatings.

what I felt and stopped hiding

and there was nothing I could

haircut, wear boys’ clothes,

terms such as “birth gender”

really do about it.

and play with G.I. Joe instead

tend to add to the stigma that

of Barbie.

we “choose” to be trans.

CONTENT

138

134

146

142

150

JACKSON

DANA

OLLIE

ROBYN

RIEN

I first realized it when I was

There were signs when I was

I think it’s something I always

It was around 4 or 5 I didn’t

I’ve always been a tomboy.

around 10 or 11, it was 4th of

younger that, when I look back,

knew, but I didn’t necessarily

really for into my gender and

From elementary school on,

July and I was buying fireworks

are ‘no-duh’ moments, such

have words for it. I remember

being that I lived mainly with

any time I picked my own

with my grandparents. I wore

as I loved playing with dolls, or

being very young, I think it was

my nieces and aunt’s I never

clothes they were always

my hair braided like Allen

dressing as a femme elf at my

5 or so, and knowing I wasn’t a

truly had male leadership in

oversized and typically from

Iverson all the time because I

2nd grade Halloween (tights

“girl” in the way that the other

my life.

the boys’ department.

wanted to be just like him.

and all!).

girls in kindergarten were.

LOOK LIKE YOURSELF A VISUAL STORY OF GENDER

A visual exploration into the diverse lives of transgender and gender-nonconforming people. PHOTOGRAPHY BY SHAYNE MALCOLM GRAPHIC & WESITE DESIGN BY JADEN REMY

SHAYNE MALCOM PHOTOGRAPHER AND CREATOR OF LOOK LIKE YOURSELF SERIES

Self-taught transgender photographer Shayne Malcolm strives to bring awareness to the transgender and gender non-conforming community of Philadelphia through his project â&#x20AC;&#x153;Look Like Yourself.â&#x20AC;? Shayne grew up in a small town just outside of Albany, NY where he began his passion for photography. Now a resident of Philadelphia for a decade, Shayne spends his free time roaming throughout the city capturing the bustling streets, cityscapes and people of Philadelphia. Combining his love for people and passion for photography, Shayne creates dynamic images that strike a delicate balance between the storytelling and journalism of photography, with the ability to make everyone look and feel empowered in front of his camera

When did you realize you didn’t relate to your birth gender?

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc

I would say i started realizing i didn’t relate to my birth

I use male pronouns and answer to Shayne but honest-

in my early teens. I never wore the typical girl clothes or

ly if you just understand that i am human, I’m content.

played with the usual girl toys. You would find me riding my BMX bike through the puddles getting covered in

What does gender identity mean to you?

mud, shooting hoops or playing video games. I remember hiding behind the recliner with a pair of scissors,

Gender identity to me is how you see yourself on a

slowly cutting my hair shorter and shorter. I came out to

daily basis. I don’t believe it should be determined by

my mother as a lesbian and it just never felt right to say.

anyone but yourself.

The first person i met who was Trans helped me find my authentic self.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ Throughout my life there has been several people who

Finding myself was never an easy task. I’m the shy quiet

have helped me find myself. Assorted myspace & live

kid who watches from afar and bottles up their emo-

journal friends i made many years back, real life friends

tions. I’ll admit i did self harm for various reasons and

and those who have supported me. My best friend

over time i discovered that didn’t help, in fact it made

Jaden has always been there for me and i’d like to think

things worse. Most days i use music to express my

we balance one another throughout the last 8 years.

feelings to bring myself to a happy place but recently i got back into photography and that has helped more than ever.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Ive always struggled with who i am and i don’t think that will ever go away because i have grown to accept that i am always changing to become a better version

To be honest i think now both my inside me and my

of who i was yesterday. If you met me 15 years ago, you

outward appearance are on the same page. Quiet,

wouldn’t think i am the same person honestly. Strug-

shy, laid back yet i’m extremely sarcastic. I always

gling is apart of life, as much as we hate it, though it

warn people to not take me seriously because of my

does help shape you into someone amazing.

sarcasm and sick humor.

Ive always struggled with who i am and i donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think that will ever go away because i have grown to accept that i am always changing to become a better version of who i was yesterday. 21

Mur Ph When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? I had a ton of moments when I was little that things just didn’t quite feel right, but I didn’t have the language or the knowledge to explain it or even give it a name. It was the 90s and I was a wee one with very little knowledge about the LGBTQ community other than what I saw when my family vacationed in Rehoboth Beach, 22

Delaware in the summers. I recall several moments

my strength. Around the age of 23/24 I bought my first

that when reflected upon, register as “AHA!” Moment

binder. Disguising my breasts was LIBERATING. I hated

in my brain. I remember crying in a shoe store around

the sight of them. I hated the attention they garnered

the age of 6 when I needed a new pair of sneakers, and

from men. And make no mistakes, I was a barely female.

my sweet gentle father having to tell the salesman to

So, I worked on distracting people from my feminine

stop bringing out things that were pink. I remember

traits through the ways in which I would perform my

my Mom watching soap operas and seeing a man and

gender. After all, gender is performative no matter how

woman lying in bed together and thinking that one day

you identify.

I’d be just like the man. I remember pitching a fit when the boys in my neighborhood got to play basketball with their shirts off and I couldn’t. Later in life, it was my junior prom. I have a black dress with a white ribbon around the waist. I go to the salon to get my hair done. I was BARELY holding in my tears. And I was so angry and embarrassed. But I just didn’t know WHY. I was so mortified; I went home and cried in my room. I only came out after my Mom cleverly suggested I wear my chuck taylors underneath my dress instead of the shoes that she had bought for me. It wasn’t until I was in college at Temple University taking gender studies courses and seeing a huge image of (clothed) pornstar Buck Angel in one of my lectures. This was probably the first moment where the language and the images and my anger all clicked together for an explanation.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I was an angry little shit. I would try to fight people

Honestly, for the first time in my life at the age of 29, I feel like my insides finally match my outsides. Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

all the time. I felt like what I viewed as a physical disadvantage needed to be compensated for by

Honestly, for the first time in my life at the age of 29, I

constantly proving myself to be tougher, bigger and

feel like my insides finally match my outsides. I describe

scarier. Basically, I was a bully. The only advantage to

medically transitioning to be much like driving a motor-

being an angry bully, is that the other bullies leave you

cycle or operating a stick shift car. You are basically just

alone. I lifted weights as a girl and prided myself on

trying to match the ground speed to the engine speed 23

but I’m usually able to overcome it quickly. I think the most startling difference between my persona and my inward self is that I run a nightclub and I can be super chatty, but I’m totally a loner and an introvert in my spare time. It took a couple of failed relationships and a lot of introspective thinking to realize just how much alone time I require outside of my business!

How would you prefer people to address you? I am legally named Rylan Nicholas Murphy. My sister and I picked out my first name together with the help of my ex-girlfriend and dear friend as well. It’s as Irish as I am. Nicholas is after my paternal grandfather. He was a good man but I mostly picked that to honor my father. However, everyone just calls me Murph. I started to have people call me that when I knew that at some point I would have to transition and save myself. It dawned on me one day when I heard this macho security guard at my work with the same last name as me going by Murph, and I thought, fuck him. I was here first! So, I asked everyone to refer to me as that instead of by my name at birth and it helped. I didn’t transition for years after that but it made it much smoother and I wouldn’t be that much of a pain in the ass to ask people to call me Rylan now. I only go by he/him. I have no desire to be a they/them and it almost annoys me when people call me that. But I’m not one to case so it rides more smoothly. I’m only angry when provoked. The thought of fighting repulses me. And even though I’m older and fatter, I love my body. I like the way it feels. I like how it looks. I appreciate it now. There are some days where the dysphoria rears its ugly head and sends you into a momentary bought of depression, 24

a scene.

What does gender identity mean to you? Like I said, gender is performative but it is also intertwined with our society and it is a facet in almost everything we do in daily life. However, my gender doesn’t

define me. Being trans is absolutely not the most interesting thing about me. I have had a really interesting go of things so far and I have so many stories to tell and a lot of talents that I’m proud of. If you’re stuck on the trans thing, you’re missing out on the best parts of me.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ You know, Buck Angel is the man. I love that dude and I’ve never met him. He was the first trans icon that I saw and admired. Other than that, there were some local guys that helped me. I’m not sure that I should use their names because some of us like to be stealthy with our identities. But a few guys were super reassuring and they know who they are. There was also a trans woman that worked at my previous job with me and she called me out on being trans before I even came out. She said “you’d make a really hot guy; you should just go for it”. I think I mumbled thanks and walked away. But at the time it made me feel good.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. This biggest thing that you learn as you get older and get to the tail end of your 20s is that you can’t give a shit what people think about you. I no longer seek approval from people and I don’t need the reassurance that I look good from others. I’m happy looking at myself in the mirror for the first time ever. And that is huge. Top surgery was the best thing that has ever happened to me. All the pain and planning was worth it and I’d do it all over again if I had to without even blinking. Honestly, the only thing that I struggle with now is dating. I’m a pretty “masculine” dude and I prefer the romantic company of women. I’m more sexually fluid (thanks to being so comfortable in my skin now), but I like ladies and I want a wife and kids someday. I don’t fit neatly into the “queer community”. I get along best with folks who don’t think so damn hard about every little word or joke coming out of their mouths. So, it isn’t often that I meet a ton of girls who fit into what I’m looking for and vice versa. We are a society that sensationalizes and fetishizes people who are different, so I feel like some people approach me just out of sheer curiosity and not genuine interest. Additionally, I dated mostly lesbians for years, and they don’t like me these days and I can’t say I blame them because I don’t usually like dudes either. And straight girls typically want a man that was born a physical man that fits neatly into their ideological standards. That basically just leaves me with bisexual girls or women who are incredibly open minded and realize how fun I am, ha! Which narrows down the game a whole lot. Not to mention I’m a picky son of a bitch with a ridiculous work schedule. 25

James De La Vega When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? I was really young. Probably 6 or 7. I never wanted to be in dresses, or play with “girl’s” toys. I desperately begged for Legos and action figures. Teachers would stop me from playing with boy’s toys. They would tell me you’re a girl, you should play with these, dress like this. Kids, no better. 26

I stopped trying to make friends after a while because I

What does gender identity mean to you?

was scared of being bullied more than I already was. It means everything now. It means safety at work, it

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

means being seen AND heard. It means finally being kind to myself and allowing myself to go through this journey. It’s funny, because I down play the importance.

Poorly. I raged against it in fact, and denied it every

And when people find out I’m trans, my first response is

day. Physically I was self-abusive. I would hurt myself,

“it’s the least interesting thing about me.”

mainly my head and body. Any hard surface, I would throw myself against. I wanted to be normal, and I did the Catholic thing. I tried to beat it out of me. And it continued until I was in my early 20s. Some days I still

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are.

fight those urges. There were a few. First was my friend Logan. He was

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

the first person I met who was like me. He provided me with a window of what transition meant, and how to do so. He also answered my questions, even when I’m

I hear voices. I’ve heard them for a long time. So inter-

pretty sure they were not the most appropriate to ask.

nally, I hear things like “You’ll never be good enough.”

I’ll always be grateful for him. Second was my ex-wife.

“You’ll never be man enough” “you don’t deserve

My ex was the first person to see me as James. Third,

anything good that happens to you.” And the list goes

my best friend Lauren Leilani. She was the first person

on. Outwardly, I’ve managed to hide it. Hide that I am

to embrace and celebrate me as James. She is the was

constantly fighting my own thoughts every single day.

the reason I wasn’t scared of coming out to anyone

I’ll always smile, cracked a joke, do a little dance and

else. She took me in when I had nothing, no home, no

then some, but recently, it’s been harder to do so. I’ve

family, just my job and the clothes in my bag. I wouldn’t

been struggling a lot more recently.

be half as successful as I am if it wasn’t for her and her love and friendship. Lastly, my sestra, Andrea. The very

How would you prefer people address you?

first person I allowed myself to fully be male in front of. She and I found each other when we most needed it.

My pronouns are he/him/his. My name is James Raul

We share a tattoo together as well, to remind ourselves

De La Vega, but I have plenty of nicknames. Jamie, Jay,

and each other to tell the world “do your worst, for I will

Jay bay bay, JJ, the list goes on and I answer to all of

do mine.” -Count of Monte Cristo

them.

It means finally being kind to myself and allowing myself to go through this journey.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. I struggled with this my whole life. I was always questioned as to why I did things, why I dressed the way I did, why I acted the way I did and it fucked me up royally. I still question myself to this day about it. Overcoming it took learning patience with myself and how to love myself, which is something I still don’t exactly know how to do. And most importantly, forgiving myself for stuff and not taking all of the blame. That is something I still can’t do, even after nearly a full year of therapy. Playing music helps, and so does baking. Basically, after losing everything in one single week, I had to take time, grow, make mistakes and learn how to truly be strong. There is only so many days that I can brave, without feeling like I’ll give it to what the voices in my head say. All I can keep doing is going to therapy, surrounding myself with people that I care for and reminding myself that just because you suffer from a laundry list of mental illness, doesn’t make you any less than anyone else. Andrea has said I am a gladiator. She will always remind of that when I am at my lowest. My mental health will always be something that is more of a stigma to me than my transition. And I feel like putting another face to it, showing whoever what someone looks like who does hear things on the regular, who struggles daily with bi polar disorder, as well as social anxiety kind of humanize it. Maybe I just needed to write it down in order to see the things that I can forgive myself for and stop telling myself it’s always my fault. 29

Tee Gee When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? This is a loaded question, I think my whole life I fought with my gender subconsciously but I really didn’t have the language or community to understand what it meant. When I was a kid, I didn’t really like typical “girl” toys and I kind of rebelled against other female identified children. I got the label “tomboy” pretty early on but 30

I didn’t know really how I felt. I spent much of my youth

Mentally and physically it has been challenging this

to Tucker (but still be Tee) which is a newer decision, but

in active addiction and then cleaning up the mess I

past year. I have been battling dysphoria more now than

I have been on the fence about a name change as my

made in recovery. It really wasn’t until I did MR. Philly

ever as I have accepted that HRT won’t be a possibility

gender doesn’t match my appearance and I am nerv-

Drag King 2014 on a whim to meet more “gay” people

to me. I sort of hung on to a hope that one day I could

ous to complicate my identification in a way that could

that I was then surrounded by other trans*folk and I

qualify for the HCV treatment which would possibly

cause more distress, especially now in this political

quickly understood who I was. Within a month I was

set my liver up for testosterone. When Trump won the

nightmare.

identifying as genderqueer and then several months

election, I let the dream pop as I figured these dreams

later I came out as a Trans*man. In the recovery com-

would be pushed away. I am still figuring out ways to

munity, I got sober/clean and I sort of embodied this

talk about my dysphoria and deal with it. Some days I

persona of who I thought I was, a ‘lesbian’ who for some

am okay and others I hate how I look in the mirror. It’s

reason kept dating woman who identified as ‘straight.’

mostly how I look in clothing or how people perceive

This made sense much later being that my core has

me if that makes sense. On a day to day basis I don’t

always been male if that makes sense.

get gendered properly unless I am around people who know how I identify. I have been discovering new ways

How did you deal with it mentally/physically? Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

to deal with my dysphoria and to talk about it. I think I’ve always felt less than as a Trans* person because of not being on HRT, and I have been finding my way in not feeling like that. I mean I know that isn’t the case but if I

Well, I’d say when I first discovered my true identity

am being completely honest with myself, I do struggle

I was relieved but really scared. I wasn’t sure how to

with that. It has been amazing to watch my friend’s

really talk about it and I felt pretty distant from my re-

transition but also hard as I know that the way I see

covery communities as I was discovering my true self.

myself transitioning won’t be physically possible for me.

People would say they understood but I was still being

However, I have found some communities who accept

asked to speak in woman’s rehabs or prisons. There

me as me and where I can exist as myself without a

was a disconnect that made me feel very isolated. I

care in the world. My partner sees me for me and that

found an amazing community within Philadelphia’s

is something I can’t put a feeling on. My friends see me

drag community who embraced me and sort of didn’t

for me and that is also something I can’t put a feeling

even question any of my discoveries. I felt like I was

on. It’s beyond my level of happiness to know I am seen

home finally. It was almost like everything made sense

by those who mean the most to me.

at once but I was also really scared to come out to my existing communities and family. I was also really scared of relapse in a community where sobriety wasn’t

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc.

the source of gathering. I knew I had to risk it though because I couldn’t go on living with this unidentifiable

I prefer people address me as Tee and he and him. I

hole inside of me.

have played with the idea of having my name changed 31

was very influential in my comfort level in expressing

To me gender identity is the way an individual identifies as their said gender, so for me it’s easy, I am a man.

how I felt. They sort of joked with me when I joined the drag troupe, Liberty City Kings, after I changed my pronouns to them/they in saying, “Duh.” It was almost like they saw me before I saw myself. I think a lot of my Trans* identified friends both in and around the troupe were very affirming in a way that I wasn’t even sure how to comprehend. I am very grateful for my experience in the troupe as it single handily explained 24 years of confusion. People sort of also joked asking what rock I crawled out from because it was such a light bulb for me when I received the information and language. I guess my response now and then is active addiction and the heavy clean up after. I was engulfed in recovery and liver treatment early on and I just simply didn’t know anyone who could explain how I felt inside especially because I didn’t even know what it meant. I think it was still really scary for me only several months ago to talk about my gender to partners or friends even. I was feeling helpless in a way that I was actually alone in how I felt and I wasn’t sure how to talk about a lot of my feelings because I didn’t know how to express

What does gender identity mean to you?

them.

Ha, I just taught a class on this! To me gender identity

Talk with me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

is the way an individual identifies as their said gender, so for me it’s easy, I am a man. It also, means much more then that though. It means that I am seen and respected as who I truly am.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see you’re authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are? Yes, actually there are several but I would say my ex 32

Woo. Well, I guess first I would like to say I don’t think I have ever written anything like this before and it is quite emotional. My struggles are definitely with my dysphoria and I guess an almost dare I say jealousy sometimes. I watch many people grow into themselves in ways that I am scared I won’t be able to without the physical transition I would want if it wouldn’t risk my actual physical health. I think daily I consider myself an

educator which can be exhausting at times but I have

I walked in and sat down in front of three potential

sort of embraced it as a part of my life at this point.

employers who I had no idea if they would accept me

When meeting people I will be spending time with, I

or not and I said, “I am a Trans*man who uses he/him

have gotten better at telling them that I am a man and

pronouns.” The interview continued and then a second

I use he/him pronouns. With strangers or people, I am

interview and I got the job. I think this was very monu-

just meeting for brief times, I definitely struggle with on

mental for me in my journey. I knew I was risking a job if

the fly corrections. My partner actually corrects people

people didn’t respond well, but I also knew I was risking

in a manner that hopefully one day I can strive to do

going back in the closet if I didn’t start affirming my

myself, but I think I am still getting my bearings in my

gender. I also came out to my family after the PULSE

voice in some situations. I appreciate those actions

shooting. In an almost morbid way I decided that dying

more than I can fully express as it takes the pressure off

a girl wasn’t an option.

of feeling weird about the correction itself. It is actually exhausting some days to have to talk about my gender

I have found a few things that have alleviated my dys-

and so I don’t. When my dysphoria is full blown I cer-

phoria and helped me grow in some other communities

tainly am not educating anyone, just hoping that I can

I am in which are amazing. It certainly has been helpful

go about my day. Sometimes it can be really hard and

to only date queer identified folk this last couple of

depressing to accept my reality so I try to just move

years as they see me for me. I think dating is challeng-

through the idea that physical elements don’t decide

ing in general and when you add body parts that look

my being or self-worth. I think it’s most striking when

different to me then maybe to them, it adds a layer

people I don’t know get it right. When I can walk into an

of being scared to even engage. There is definitely

event or a room and people are privy to my gender, it’s

room for education in existing LGBTQIA+ communities

such a relief. I am sure that sometimes it is pre-dis-

because it hurts the most when one of the other letters

cussed but I like to pretend that it’s not, that everyone

doesn’t accept your gender or see you for who you are.

just knew and that makes me so happy. I actually just

My home in the kink community and queer community

cried a little bit because I have a lot of feelings, but I

has definitely made me feel safe and affirmed in ways

know that my partner and best friends probably have

I could have never imagined. I really would be lost

had these discussions on my behalf and it just, it just, it

without the people who have been in my life over the

just makes all the hard gender days’ worth it. I have an

last couple of years and I am truly grateful for each of

anxiety disorder and it definitely acts up, so when I am

them. I would guess that they have no idea how much

met with people seeing me for me it can alleviate a lot

it means to be seen without question for someone who

of my anxiety before it even happens.

doesn’t always get seen without explanation. I feel better now than I ever have and I hope to keep growing in

I have grown so much I think in even talking about this

relationships that affirm who I am and most importantly

topic. I think I was most proud of my journey when I

in my relationship with myself.

got the job I am at now. I was in my first interview and 33

Jaden Remy When did you realize, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? When I look back on it now, look through my childhood photos, think about the toys I played with, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think I ever related to being female. My hair was also short, I loved boy clothes and you would never catch me with a Barbie!

I was 22 when I first realized I wanted to transition. Prior to moving to Jersey City in 2006 I had never been exposed to who or what being transgender was until I started doing nonprofit design work and volunteering at Hudson Pride Connections in Jersey City. One day I decided to stay for a documentary produced by a local FTM (female to male) when it all clicked for me. Everything he said and felt in the documentary was exactly how I felt inside. Until then I had only thought of myself as a butch lesbian that hated my breasts and refused to have anything to do with anything remotely female identified.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Mentally and emotionally I struggled most of my life. Until I got to high school I was bullied for having short hair and dressing and acting like a boy. In high school, I immersed myself in sports and it became my outlet and I met a great group of girls, who to this day still stand by my side. I was outed my senior year as a lesbian by a gay boy which was really detrimental and my life started to spin out of control. I started to smoke, dabble in drugs, drink, I didn’t care about school

When I look back on it now, look through my childhood photos, think about the toys I played with, I don’t think I ever related to being female.

anymore, I barely graduated. I eventually picked myself up, went to community college and had an amazing

void with drugs and alcohol. After I graduated I moved

teacher push me to do more. Art became my passion

to Jersey City and found a great group of friends, I got

and new outlet. I applied for colleges in Philly and

clean and sober in a few years and eventually started

was accepted to an all-girl school for the arts “Moore

my transition. Though even though I was happier and

College of Art & Design.” I excelled in college and had

sober it wasn’t until just a few years ago that I finally

some really amazing mentors, but on the flip side I was

sought out help to deal with myself emotionally. Today

attracted to people who drew me more into darkness.

I owe everything to my therapist and everyone who

There was something missing in me and I was filling the

stood by my side in the worst of times. I look at the 35

world and my life differently now. I have hope and a fire inside me! Mental health is so important. Physically I struggled until I started seeing the results from testosterone and it took me 8 years to save for top surgery. I’ve learned to love my body, and accept that I’m a man with a vagina with no desire to have bottom surgery. I also know I’ll never have what society thinks is a perfect body, I don’t need abs to be happy! ROCK THE CHUBBY!

Give me glimpse of the inside you versus your outward appearance. My outward appearance is a rugged, chubby, tattooed, bearded, ginger! Inside I’m complete opposite, I’m a sensitive guy with sometimes too much compassion, it’s one of my greatest attributes but also one of my biggest hurdles in life. I also have an inner flamboyant gay man living inside me that enjoys screaming YASSSSSSS at the most inappropriate moments!

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc. Male pronouns, Jaden Remy...Though growing up with a ton of drag queens I also answer to GURLLLLLLL, queen, and hunty!

What does gender identity mean to you? When I started transitioning I used to think gender identity meant conforming to what society viewed as a “real 36

man.” Over the years as I’ve became more in tuned with my body and emotionally sound I realized that just isn’t me and it never will be! I’ve learned to love my outward appearance and having the privilege to pass in society but that doesn’t define the person that I am. I hate gender roles and I’ll never conform. One day you will catch me running around the house in my fiancé’s drag cat suits…. watching desperate housewives with a facial on or baking a cake and the next I’m in my wood shop building furniture drilling and sawing my heart out!

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ There is one true soul that has been with me from the beginning and I know will always be by my side is my best friend Jake. We met at a small trans group in north jersey and two weeks later we were inseparable. We started our transition together, giving each other our first shots of testosterone, comparing our beard growth (he always kicked my ass) and supported each other through thick and thin. He is the only person I have ever completely trusted, that I could tell anything too and could rely on him to be there no matter what. This year I had to do the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life, to tell him “I’ll see you soon.” Jake passed due to a heart condition. I still talk to him every day, I jam out to the tunes that we would scream from the top of our lungs on all of or many road trips, and I know one day we’ll be together again.

linh duong When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? I grew up in a very conservative/Vietnamese household where the standard was long beautiful black hair, tiny frame, and dresses… all of which didn’t suit me at all. Being feminine just didn’t make sense to me. I neglected any Barbie’s that were bought for me and went straight for Ninja Turtles and X-men action figures instead. 38

Girls I grew up with started wearing bras while I was

always refer to me as Papa when talking to them. I just

slouching to hide my chest (I honestly think that’s why

don’t think I look like a Mom, Mommy, etc.

my posture is STILL bad). I found comfort in wearing hats and tucking my hair behind my ears to give off the

What does gender identity mean to you?

impression that it was shorter than it actually was. At the ripe old age of 30, I’m just now learning. So,

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

without all the fancy jargon… gender identity means being whoever is fitting to you. I didn’t realize how freaking huge the world of gender identity was while growing

When it was clear to my dad that I wasn’t just going

up… but once I saw how much it branched out, I felt

through a tomboy phase… things got pretty rough. I

more at home. Like wow, I definitely fit somewhere now.

can’t totally blame him. He grew up in a different culture that had completely opposite views. So, I did what any angry kid would do... I hung out in my room, wrote in my journal, and listened to A TON of angry/depress-

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

ing music, I was an emo cliché but a total genuine one. And you know what? It helped.

That would hands down be my older sister. Something we laugh about often is that she always bought me

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

boy’s clothes when I was younger. She always said that it was because the boys stuff was so much cuter than the girls. She knows me better than myself really. She

Oh, god... I’m the biggest sap on the inside. It’s embar-

knew I was queer before I came out and knew I needed

rassing. And from what I’ve been told, I always look

someone to talk to when I started binding. I’ve never

really angry. People always assume I’m in a bad mood

been afraid to tell her anything because she has always

but that’s just my face, I swear So I guess to sum things

made me feel safe. On the day of my high school prom,

up, I’m a total lovey goof on the inside but look way

she picked up my tux and hid it at her apartment so

pissed on the outside. Oh, and I’m really short. Too

we didn’t risk our dad finding out. She even went and

short. Ugh.

bought a boutonniere and pinned it on my jacket. I wouldn’t say that she helped me start to see my true

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc.

self. But she sure as hell helped me keep stick to my guns and be proud of who I am and whoever I want to be in the future.

I go by she/her even though I sometimes use male pronouns for myself here and there. Sometimes it’s just more fitting. My partner and I have two dogs and we 39

I’m a masculinepresenting female, that binds her tits, would prefer you call her handsome Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Also, include anything you want within your story It can be pretty dicey accepting/loving your identity when you constantly feel like the elephant in the room everywhere you go. People love staring …a lot. Some even laugh and it’s mind-blowing to me because they’re almost always adults. I started talking to people in a “girlier” voice if I sensed them getting confused about my gender. Isn’t that crazy? I’m the one being judged but I felt the need to make people who most likely shouldn’t matter, more comfortable. And then I had an epiphany… It’s really easy to overcome stuff if you stop giving a shit about shitty people. I’m a masculine-presenting female, that binds her tits, would prefer you call her handsome rather than pretty, and I give ZERO fucks if anyone has an issue with any of that. Life is too short to let toxic people screw up my happiness in the person 40

that I’ve become and love.

sydney When did you realize you don’t relate to your birth gender? I guess it started when I was around 5-6 years old. I don’t really have many memories of my childhood, but I always remember feeling different. I knew I was a “girl” but I never really wanted to hang out with the girls or do stereotypical feminine things.

I spent a lot of time with my cousin Kyle growing up; playing outside, wrestling, and just causing trouble. I just remembering feeling weird not being allowed in typical masculine spaces when I was already presenting myself in that way.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Growing up I had more leeway in dressing like a “tomboy” because I was a kid, but as I grew up I felt scared about the harassment I may face, so I just assimilated into a somewhat more feminine presentation. I did that for much longer than I would have liked. It was not the easiest thing and very confusing. I guess I dealt with it mostly in all the wrong ways, with drinking mostly. But finally, after I finished college and realized I wasn’t being my true self I decided to cut my hair short for the first. That’s when everything changed....at 23 years old.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. I don’t really feel like there is a huge difference between my inside and my outward appearance anymore. For a while there was, but getting a binder really made everything kind of click together. But I feel like my gender identity is constantly and progressing. Right now, I’m happy where I am and it feels good.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. Ha pronouns are always complicated. I am not too particular about them. I get masculine pronouns a lot 43

and don’t correct people, I don’t get upset about she/her pronouns either. They/Them seems more fitting because I identify as gender queer but I haven’t taken the leap to really assimilating that into my life at the moment.

What does gender identity mean to you? Gender identity means many different things to me. I appreciate that with my personal presentation that I have the freedom to sometimes be a little more feminine in my presentation without it conflicting with how I view myself or my body. Masculinity is what I mostly identify with as my gender performance and appearance, and knowing that and being able to present that way with relative freedom here, in Philly, is something that I am so grateful to have. I guess, gender identity, for me it means that I have the freedom to express myself in the way I feel most comfortable and it isn’t the same every day.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ There is someone who helped me. Not to see my authentic/true self because I was already there but helped me get to a place that I can finally feel comfortable in my clothing and presentation. That person is Shayne, who gave me my first binder ever. Words cannot express the impact that had on my life and how it made me love my body and presentation more. I guess his gift made me more of my authentic self. So, thank you very much Shayne, you are a true brother.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. 44

I feel like my gender identity is constantly progressing. Right now, I’m happy where I am and it feels good. I feel like gender may always be a struggle for me. Sometimes transitioning seems like something I may want for the future and sometimes it doesn’t. I just don’t know, mostly because I am currently content. Which I know is not the case for most. The only way I was able to get to this place of self-confidence was to focus on myself, doing things for myself, and be brave enough to take the chance to make the changes I so desperately wanted. I am also lucky enough to have friends who support me and continue to do so and an understanding family. Without being selfish for a little while and outside support I think things would be very different for me.

caroline When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? Growing up I didn’t necessarily understand any particular concepts of gender; I have two brothers (I’m the middle child) and didn’t do any stereotypically ‘feminine’ activities. I spent most of my time outside playing pretend or reading YA novels illuminated by flashlight in my bedroom. 46

I didn’t really feel comfortable calling myself a ‘girl’ because I didn’t feel like one. I would tell my Mom I wanted to be a boy and she’d smile and pat my head and let me go off on my way. When I entered middle school, I learned about being transgender and something inside me yelled, “that’s me! That’s who I am!” And I lived as a closeted trans boy for about 2 years. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of high school when I learned what ‘non-binary’ meant. I became so comfortable with that term and that same year I came out, being the first openly trans person in my high school and the one of the only out LGBTQ people as well.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? At first I was militant about being referred to by my specific pronouns and would correct people bluntly when I was misgendered. I fluctuated between wanting to be seen as androgynous, a style I so admired, and wanting to be myself. It was a very difficult couple of years, forcing myself into how I wanted to be seen and how I wanted to be.

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Inwardly I feel like a big genderless sludge (in the best way possible), but my appearance deters that! I typically wear a mix of big floral vintage dresses and pointed oxfords or some combination of clothing that I’ve made by hand or found at my local Goodwill. I also try not to let myself go outside without black lipstick. My outward appearance is incredibly femme, but I just wear what I feel most comfortable in. 47

Gender identity means comfort. It means being in touch with who you are and not compromising that for anything How would you prefer people address you?

freeing. I think it’s healthy to question your gender or sexuality or anything about yourself. When there are, no questions left, I’m comfortable and I hope everyone can get to that level.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are. I was really stumped on this question and I asked my Mom to help me out. She responded with “Not really. You wouldn’t be your true self if anyone had helped you out” and smiled. Which makes me think that it’s probably her who helped me the most, by encouraging me to be independent and true to myself. She gave me the courage to really explore and question the things that didn’t seem right around me. If I had to pick someone who inspired me the most it would definitely be my Mom, even though she probably didn’t know what she was doing at the time.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

I use they/them pronouns and try to avoid being called traditionally female terms, such as ‘girl’ or ‘lady’ or

Becoming comfortable with myself took years. It took

‘woman’. My partner calls me their boyfriend sometimes

trying to force myself into an image that I didn’t really

which is adorable. For names, I’m known on the internet

want (like I mentioned previously) to becoming friends

as C, which feels very comfy, but my friends and family

with other trans people to learn about their experiences

call me Caroline.

and their different levels of comfort. Now, I rarely feel any dysphoria and I’m okay when I’m misgendered or

What does gender identity mean to you?

people assume I’m cisgender. I’ve found that as long as I’m comfortable with my own identity, I’m okay. I can

Gender identity means comfort. It means being in

finally wear and act how I feel most myself, because I

touch with who you are and not compromising that for

know my own gender. I know myself, and that’s all that

anything. Discovering my gender was so cathartic and

matters to me. 49

nick When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? I started noticing at a very young age that I was different than most other children. As long as I can remember, I’ve always been attracted to females. I think my first ‘ah-ha’ moment came transitioning into middle school and recognizing that I was never comfortable around my peers and what I saw in the mirror, didn’t match 50

what my heart and mind felt.

As scary as that was, I didn’t think too much of it be-

everyone else, I stopped playing the victim and I started

cause it seemed so foreign to me it was almost impos-

to love me from the inside out.

sible to verbalize. At that age, if I couldn’t understand what I was feeling…I didn’t think anyone else could either, so I kept silent.

How did you deal with that mentally and physically?

Give me a glimpse of the inside of you verse your outward appearance. This question originally made me tilt my head in confusion. Isn’t our outward appearance supposed to reflect what we hold inside? Then you get to thinking, well…I’ve

I know for myself, I was never truly exposed early on to

only been on hormones for three years and truly, so

the idea that there was a spectrum of genders. That’s

much has changed…it really is a valid question. So,

usually the consensus across the board when talking

here’s my answer… every single day I strive to peel back

with my peers and friends about their journeys. I always

away the layers, engage in positive self-talk and really

remember idolizing my father growing up but being

get down to the pieces of who I am and who I’ve always

extremely close to my mother, just as equally. Look-

been. This journey isn’t about…becoming anyone. I too

ing back now, it was no different than being raised as

am guilty of using the same verbiage…hell, I started

their son would have been (I imagine) had I been born

mine with the “Becoming Nick” documentary. Really

biologically male. Physically, I dressed like a boy and I

when you start to find inner peace, it isn’t instant and

wore my hair in such a tight bun you’d think it’d fall right

transitioning is not a “quick fix” to all of the problems

off the back. I liked to get dirty, go fishing, hang with

you may or may not have when it comes to your iden-

the boys and I was always flirting with the girls. I re-

tity. Soul searching takes a life time. So, if I said, wow…

member pretending to shave in the bathroom because

you know all of the pieces they’re all perfect now and

I thought it was the coolest thing watching my father’s

they fit and I’ve found myself, my soul is healed and

daily routines. Despite being different, my parents never

life is great…that would be a lie. I am human. I struggle

treated me as such…and I think that set the foundation

with rough days too. I experience extreme sadness

for my life when I was brave enough to say, “Hey this is

and depression, accompanied with anxiety, PTSD and

me…I’m transgender and I’m proud of it.”

one hell of a fire that burns within me to keep fighting. I know I was built for this life, these struggles, and all of

My biggest mental and physical struggles came

the hurdles that I still have yet to clear or even see. But

throughout high school because I was finally getting

you know, I am no longer afraid and that really is every-

a grasp on my sexuality and my preferences but my

thing. No one can give you a pamphlet at the beginning

entire living environment had changed. This caused

of your transition which will provide all of the answers

me to slip into true survival mode and spend the next

to taking hormones (specific to my journey as you do

ten years fighting for my life from the outside in. It

not need hormones to identify as transgender). No one

wasn’t until my late twenties when I stopped blaming

can prepare you for how your body specifically is going 51

my name is Nicole Kristen Kosobud and I go by Nick (or I have a hard time with this because I feel we live in

Uncle Nicky with my little babes ;). If I were to introduce

such a close-minded society that everything requires

myself, that’s typically as far as I go without presenting

labels for the majority to wrap their head around such

proof of identification when warranted. I choose not to

simple-minded concepts. So, for the sake of conversa-

legally change my name to Nicholas Theodric Kosobud

tion and education…I identify as a human first. From

because it’s simply not time…

there, I would branch out and say I am a transgender male. The next question always seems to be, “Well are

What does gender identity mean to you?

you straight now because you’ve transitioned?” And the answer is always…No.

Gender identity to me is being able to honor your authentic self. It’s embracing that unknown, the fear

to react. No one can really brace you for the fall or tell you if you’re going to regret your decision and feel as though you may have made the biggest mistake of your life. But, if you can have faith…that on the other side of those choices, is the “anecdote” to a new and improved you…as long as you’re willing to put in the work, give it everything you have, because it’s a second shot at life… then as long as you’re putting your best foot forward, I promise you…that you’re going to be able to find those answers you’ve searched your whole life for…because they’ve been there all along. Even if you get to “the other side” and realize, “Holy shit…transitioning isn’t for me”. The answers are always there. With me, what you see…is what you get.

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name, etc. 52

The more I’ve been able to watch myself physically

and really saying, “You know what, I shouldn’t be afraid

change and embrace the emotional roller coaster

to be me” and saying that to yourself every single

along the way, the more I’ve been able to honor the

day because you deserve happiness just as much as

pieces of myself that I’ve never known were in there.

those who do not identify differently. Gender identity is

So, what I mean by that is I’ve always had an attraction

outwardly expressing those inner emotions regardless

to the male body but never to a point where it out-

of what society wants you to believe is right based on

weighed my intense pull towards the female body. In

some brainwashed concept that “girls and boys act and

being able to recognize that, in the midst of transition-

dress a certain way.”

ing I am now able to assertively say that I am (for the sake of labels) pansexual with a preference to females.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to

I have had many romantic relationships in my life with

see your authentic / true self? Tell me about how they

males. I have also had many romantic and sexual rela-

helped you, who they are.

tionships with females. I think my level of comfortability truly has to be weighed on a case by case basis be-

Honestly, in the beginning I think heart break forced me

cause I am firm believer in energies and vibes because

to see my authentic self to want to start the transition

those are what will make or break you.

process. (Even though the true process begins at birth)

My name is a tool I continue to use for educational pur-

I was tired of a lot of things in my life. I was tired of living

poses until I can see some equality across the board

a lie and living in fear. I was tired of being unhappy and

that doesn’t require me, or my brothers and sisters,

being in shitty relationships. I was tired of my own nega-

to live in fear that our liberties (and civil) will ever be

tive behaviours and my actions towards others, that I

challenged. I take pride in being an open transgender

eventually said enough was enough.

male advocate in a society that, while ever changing, still continues to condemn us for who we are. Legally

Truthfully, it really comes down to this: it takes a village.

just wasn’t fun for me. I was too stuck on what I didn’t

take a new day. Because I promise you that there is a

There is not one single soul that has not come into my

have and where I wasn’t going and who wasn’t around

place for you in this world and I promise you that you

life that hasn’t assisted me along my journey in honor-

and who had done me wrong and all this…bullshit…that I

are loved but none of this and I mean none of it will

ing who I am. From down to the littlest encounters to

held a victim mentality until I said no more.

change unless you start with loving you.

Eventually you get tired. You get tired of the lies and

Anything else you’d like to include:

the longest standing relationships, every one counts. My rock though? My rock has always been my mother.

the false promises. You get tired of telling yourself, “Oh, She has guided me through a life of heart breaks,

it’ll get better” and implementing some half-assed at-

Life is all about choices; choices that will inevitably alter

abuse in many forms and many negative ruts and les-

tempts at really trying to get yourself out of the depres-

the pendulum of life.

sons but she always brought it right back to the one

sive rut you didn’t even realize you put yourself in.

thing that continues to carry me through… unconditional love.

A life which ultimately requires balance, sacrifice and a You get tired of the animosity when you start to open

lot of patience.

your eyes. You get tired of the drama that you allow in

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

your life for the simple sake of chaos. Chaos in the ugli-

Honor your authentic self, live like there’s no tomorrow

est forms and sometimes with the ugliest people can

and love so deep and so hard that people question

occur because you had yet to really grasp the concept

your sanity. The world needs more of that… <3

I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned

that you attract what you vibrate. Misery loves company

along my journey is to unlearn everything you have

and I was sick and tired of being miserable. So, I made

ever learned and keep an open mind. I know that eve-

a choice for change.

rything prior to me learning this one simple concept, made life so much harder than it needed to be.

I kept questioning but this time, I kept moving. Every time I would stumble across a negative thought, I was

I really don’t want to say, “Oh you know it started when

trying to find ways to beat it (still do). Essentially, we are

I was three when I decided to pitch a fit because I had

always our own worst enemies and I was on a mission

to wear girl’s clothes.” No, I…think it would be most

to show my inner self, my true strength. Three years

accurate to say that I can’t give you an accurate age or

into this transition now, I can safely say that it’s been

time frame that my identity began to break down. I’d

the most beautiful ride that not a single soul could

say I was born feeling different and until it was my time

have ever properly prepared me for. Yes, I have had

for me to find the necessary tools to be able to really

ups and downs. Yes, I have loved and lost. Yes, I have

question everything and everyone in my life, I simply

some really rough days because I am finally embracing

lived in a blind world.

the pieces of me that I have had locked away. Yes, I too struggle with anxiety and depression which is a lovely

A scared human, with no real direction of which way

side effect of hormones but I don’t allow those things to

was ‘the right way’ and I’ve never been great at puzzles,

become crutches. Every moment is a new moment to

regardless of how much I enjoy them, the game of life

say, “Hey, I’m doing this and I’m not giving up”. It doesn’t 53

emerson lo When did you realize, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I do relate to the gender I was assigned at birth in the sense that I identify as a woman. But what it means to be a woman, and what that means to me specifically, has changed a great deal over time. 54

When I think about who I am as a person, at my core, I am a collection of thoughts and feelings and experiences.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. When I think about who I am as a person, at my core, I am a collection of thoughts and feelings and experiences. In my mind, those are not gendered. I am comfortable identifying as a woman in this realm, in other words, this reality that we live in. I am a person who believes there are other dimensions to reality, for example, I believe that we all have energies that come in both masculine and feminine forms. I enjoy tapping into those different energies and allowing myself the freedom to do so. For example, I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to be graceful or gentle because I am a woman--but sometimes I am. I can be outspoken and aggressive. I can be independent. Some days I look in the mirror and feel disconnected from the person I see there, because I am tapping into my inner self and that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take a physical form. I do that through meditation and various forms of creating, which help me to know myself better. In those moments, I feel that I still want to experiment more with the way I present. Ultimately I am at peace with the physical body that takes me about my day and allows me to engage in life in so many ways.

I think in most contexts; the world tries to hand us prepackaged roles for two genders: a man and a woman.

I think that people generally see me as a typical

And that is not the way that we as people work at all;

feminine woman, and make assumptions about me

every single individual is different, and what their gen-

because of that. The first wave of surprise is usually

der is (and isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t) to them is completely unique. Though

when they find out my partner is a woman, and another

I identify as a woman, I do so in a way where I try to

wave when they see that she is a masculine present-

detach my expectations of myself, and my definition of

ing woman. I enjoy keeping people on their toes in this

myself, from what society has prescribed. I have come

way, while also having an opportunity to educate them

to realize that I can make my own rules, and that is the

about all the different forms of gender and sexuality

only way I can be fulfilled.

and presentation. 55

Last but certainly not least, my partner Linh has taught

Like I mentioned, I did not fully delve into those feelings I had

me so much about what it means to be part of the queer

as a teenager. I suppressed them in order to cope and get

community. She has shown me what it means to be in an

through all the other things that were going on in my life for

absolutely wonderful loving relationship with respect for the

the next 7 years. And in my own time, I came back around to

fluidity of who we each are. We are constantly learning and

exploring them. The catalyst was a meditation course I took

What does gender identity mean to you?

questioning together.

in college where I really was able to connect with myself on

To me, gender identity means who you are internally. For

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. I go by Emersyn, and I use she/her/hers as my pronouns.

a deeper level, and I realized that the questions I had about many people, I think that crosses into how they choose

my own identity were eating up a huge space inside of me and not allowing me to live authentically. There was a constant sense of fear that surrounded that space, and I knew I

to manifest their identity externally, but that’s not true for everyone. Whoever a person is internally is their identity, re-

The aspect of my journey that has taken the most work is

had to face it. What enabled me to do that was gaining the

gardless of how they choose to present. For me personally,

my sexual orientation, but that has informed my gender

language to explain my thoughts and feelings to myself, as

I believe that I present more feminine than I “feel.” But I am

identity, and vice versa. It has definitely been a process to

well as having friends around me who were on their own

happy with identifying as a woman because as I said before,

come to terms with who I am in a holistic sense, and so

journeys and I could speak completely openly with. I had

a woman is whoever I am as a woman, and I’m just myself.

much of that process has been a matter of questioning and

been away from home for some time, so I no longer felt the

That takes a good deal of time to be able to trust, because

undoing.

pressure of my family’s expectations and I had the freedom to get to know myself. When I had finally equipped myself

it’s not what most of us are taught. We have to unlearn what gender is, and then relearn it, and then create it for ourselves.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are?

I grew up in a household where I felt it was just not an option

with the knowledge and relationships that helped me to

to be gay. Although I questioned my sexual orientation at

explore, and ultimately realize that I identify as queer, eve-

about 15 years old, I just couldn’t cope with delving into

rything kind of came gushing out. It was this really exciting

those feelings at that time. I didn’t know enough, and I didn’t

time that I would definitely say was a rebellion against all the

see representation, and I certainly didn’t feel supported by

things I thought I had to be--or couldn’t be.

any sense of openness in my family. I was also in a house

Yes. There are a lot of people who have been a part of my

that was all women most of the time, and looking back I see

When I started thinking of myself as a queer woman, I auto-

process and helped me discover my authentic self, as well

how difficult that was for me. I felt very out of place because

matically began questioning what it means to be a woman

as be able to live in that truth. One of them was a college

what it meant to be a woman in that context was very pre-

as well. This process led to even more freedom as I realized

friend who was involved in the meditation course I took, who

scriptive; it meant dressing a certain way, wearing makeup,

that in queer spaces gender is very much “up for grabs,”

was so incredibly genuine and vibrant and inspiring. Unfortu-

and getting attention from the opposite sex. My Mom and

meaning I can be who I am while happening to be whatever

nately, he is no longer with us. I owe him so much gratitude.

sister would tease me about not wanting to show my body

gender I am. Whoever I am is who a woman is in that specific

Another is a friend I had in my early 20’s who I met through

and not knowing how to interact with boys. So even though

instance, because I’m a woman. Our culture (and many

social media. She was going through huge changes in her

I didn’t have the language to express it at the time, I was

others) generally see it the other way around and this stifles

life at the time and inspired me to shed my pretenses and

realizing that gender was a performative act, and I wasn’t

so much of our individuality. So, I really feel that I have come

comfort zones. The conversations we had over the course of

really doing it “right.”

into my own through this process, and the process is still

a year or so were invaluable, and she helped cultivate a lot of

ongoing. As a person, I keep changing and evolving and I

courage in me.

have to incorporate those changes into my identity.

Kayden When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? I think I was about four or five years old when someone said “you can’t do that, you’re a girl!” That’s when I knew things were different, but I really didn’t know what that meant. When I was seven years old my mother bribed me with twenty dollars to wear a plain white Easter dress to my great grandparents’ home. 58

As a teen, I knew things were very different than my peers. I didn’t know there was a word for it, or a place that I could’ve truly fit in so, I just kept it to myself and eventually started hanging around with the people who identified as lesbians.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I think as a teen I acted out because I wasn’t initially accepted by some of my family. (Thankfully I have their support now.) I was a mess when I was trying to figure it all out. I often thought about suicide and I was a cutter for many years. I found support in GLASS (gay, lesbian, and straight support), a group at my high school, and the amazing social worker, Meredith, who ran it, who I’m proud to call my friend. If it weren’t for her sitting with me and helping me cope with the different aspects of my family dynamic and sexuality, I wouldn’t be here today. Physically, I pretty much always was called “sir” as a teenager. I was always a boy. I kept my hair super short and wore baggy clothes to cover any sort of shape puberty gave to me.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. I’m finding this a difficult question to answer. It’s hard for me because my insides are soft and full of emotion and society says that’s feminine, and even though I try not to care about what “society” says, I do. I think through the trauma I’ve endured I come off sometimes as trying to be tough, or bossy, when I think I’m being helpful. I’m 59

I really try to just be at peace with who I am and do what makes me happy and feel good and not worry about what society thinks about it

growing, every day and my insides are a huge canvas

do it there’s no changing it and you won’t be able to join

depicting the abstract painting of my life. Some places

the Army because they don’t allow that. So, you have a

are pitch black with the complete absence of color,

choice to make.” I ended up not talking about it again

some are fiery red with passion and love, and others are

until I was in the Army and just about ready to get out.

a bright sunshiny yellow with rainbow stripes. Coming

I wanted to be a soldier so bad that I put who I was on

into myself and loving me for me, is proving to be a

hold, and even though it was more than a struggle and

long process, but I’m getting there. I try to think my

a battle every single day, I’d do it all over again.

outward appearance is starting to reflect all of those parts, but I like to seem put together, and lots of times

My biggest support outside of my family, who I consider

pretend the dark places don’t exist.

family was and is Meredith. When I say, she saved my life, it’s absolutely true. She gave me support and love

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc.

great things for youth and the alphabet soup community through the young people. She stood up for the stu-

My name is Kayden. And I prefer people address me

dents involved in GLASS when it was still a dangerous

with male pronouns. I don’t go around screaming I’m

thing to do and I am forever grateful for the splashes of

transgender. I’m just a regular guy trying to get by who

sunshine she’s helped me paint on my canvas.

happens to have a vagina.

What does gender identity mean to you?

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

I think I didn’t realize that gender wasn’t just two things

My identity has been quite the process. It’s still in pro-

until recently, actually. Gender identity to me, is what-

cess, actually. I still have struggles. I think the difference

ever the person who identifies as whatever gender they

from 15 years ago in high school is I am okay with voic-

do, sees it as. It’s really none of my business.

ing things now about gender and sexuality that I wasn’t before. I really try to just be at peace with who I am and

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

do what makes me happy and feel good and not worry about what society thinks about it. I’ve gone through lots of therapy, tons of sketchbooks and lots of poetry. I’m taking things one day at a time and one challenge at

I would say in my family, it has been my Mom Mom,

a time. Right now, that’s what’s working for me. And right

she has always supported me in any and everything.

now, I’m just happy being me, some days are harder

When I came to her and said “Mom Mom, what would

than others, but that’s life, and I’m okay with that.

you think if I wanted to be a boy?” She said “I think you need to make sure it’s what you want because once you 60

in ways I never knew existed and she is continuing to do

gabby When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I realized I was a different at a very young age. I was around 5 years old and all I wanted to do was play with girl things and be identified as female.

I was around 5 years old and all I wanted to do was play with girl things and be identified as female. How did you deal with that mentally & physically? In 1988 my parents didn’t know how to deal with me

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Well the inside me is finally at piece it was a bit hectic for a bit, but she stayed patient until the outside caught up. I have finally gotten to a point in my transition where I can finally say I pass. I have had only one surgery so far but I work out and maintain my body to keep it natural that people don’t look at me and wonder what’s between my legs. That makes me feel so good. In saying all of that, I am still researching and saving to have my gender conformation surgery in the near future.

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc. I have so many nicknames, my parents renamed me Gabrielle but my dad still calls me Charlie, my family calls me GiGi, my really close friends call me ChaChi Divine, but I mostly just go by Gabby. My pronouns are she and her.

What does gender identity mean to you?

so I was told I had to suppress such feeling and just

Gender identity is a major thing to me; I have worked

be a special little boy. as I got older I put on weight,

hard for 9 long years to be seen and respected as a

and I wore baggy clothes to hide my body. I was a very

female. It’s funny how I look and present female yet

awkward Preteen. At age 15 I came out as a gay man

people still mess up and miss gender me. I feel the

and I was able to be an effeminate boy, I was so happy

people that do that really don’t have much experience

that I thought that was just who I was meant to be. It

with transgender people. If it’s someone you’re around

wasn’t until I was 25 that I started living my truth and

a lot let’s say a coworker for example, I find it very easy

being who truly was on the inside. I’m Gabrielle Gibson

to speak to them and not in a confrontational way to

and I’m a transgender woman.

correct them and inform them of the proper pronouns. 63

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ The one person I can say really helped me at the being

always made me feel beautiful. To this day if I post a

really had to figure out who I was as a woman so I took

picture I always get a call or a text saying “Slay Bitch!!!”

a major break from being ChaChi Divine to learn who I was a Gabrielle Gibson. Honestly it was the best thing

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

of a man acting like a woman and became a strong woman. I didn’t totally retire ChaChi, she returned to the

of my transition is still to the day my best friend Jason

I could have done for myself. Learned how to be less

Tavares. He and I use to work together in a salon and

At the beginning of my transition I did have some

he was one of the first people I told I was becoming a

trouble trying to separate my drag persona from who

stage 3 years after Gabrielle really started living.

woman. With us being in the beauty industry he helped

I was a woman. It started with the make-up, I had to

what I really want people to know about me is that I’m

me tone down my make up to look less stage and more

find the right balance of what too much was and what

a girl that’s just trying to be me with no interruptions.

natural. He helped me shop and always made sure

was not enough. (side note: By today’s standards a lot

my hair was right. Jason always encouraged me to be

of woman today are painting like drag Queens these

myself and never hide who I am. Even at my worst he

days.) I wanted my look to be right, I just wanted pass. I

Autumn When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? The earliest memory I have of not relating to my birth gender is around age 5 during Sunday School. The girls would usually go play house and I was expected to go with the boys and play with trucks and digging tools. I’d long to go play with the girls and when I did I’d usually get pick on by the boys. 66

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Early childhood into adolescence was an interesting time for me. I grew up on a farm 7 miles from the nearest town so I never really was able to distract myself from the thoughts of dysphoria. I’d go to bed praying that I’d wake up as a girl the next morning and dreaming of what it would be like.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Inside versus outside, my constant struggle right now. After starting transitioning 2.5 years ago, I’m still trying to find myself. I know on the inside I’m passionate about doing many things, but I’m usually seen as a timid and shy person when in fact I love being around others. There are brief moments when my inside shines through and I always hold those times dear and want to make more memories like that.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. Kindly! My name is Autumn and my pronouns are she/ her, but if your ever around me you’ll notice I’ll use the singular and plural y’all talking to most people. Some words are forever ingrained into my vocabulary from growing up in Louisiana.

What does gender identity mean to you? Gender identity to me is who you feel you are inside. 67

Gender identity to me is who you feel you are inside. It’s an innate sense of you that is constantly acting with how you express yourself.

I’m honestly not sure if I can point to a single person in my life who helped me start seeing my true self. I’d rather point to the times of change in my life that kept bringing my true self even closer forward until I broke free. When I was 16, I was overwhelmed with gender dysphoria and attempted suicide. Luckily I lived and then applied to move away from home to a boarding school. The time at that school meeting so many diverse and awesome people helped me start my process of living as my true life.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Identity struggles still persist with me in my daily life! I’m still trying to find myself as a woman and learn more about who I am now that I’m living as me. The most vivid struggle for me had to be growing up in a Southern Baptist family and hiding the fact that I was trans. My father was a deacon, my mother played piano for the church, and my grandfather was the music minister. I grew up most of my childhood being told LGBTQ people were of sin and could never be saved so go figure how internally twisted I was in my youth that I was basically in a constant war between my family’s

It’s an innate sense of you that is constantly acting with

values of what is right and wrong. I spent every mo-

how you express yourself. Growing up, my gender iden-

ment on edge scared they would find out and one day

tity was always at war with my outward expression and

my dad did find out and told me he didn’t want a fag

now that I’m living as myself we live in psuedo-harmony

for a son. This eventually led to the attempted suicide

with time of dysphoria creeping through.

and me learning that family is not only by blood and

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ 68

I can make my own home wherever I go. So, 4 moves to different states later, I’m still growing my family and growing in myself.

shane When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? I’m not sure that there was ever one perfect lightbulb moment. I know it’s kind of anticlimactic but I think that it was more of a gradual unfurling of revelations that lead me to realize that I genuinely was not a cis person.

While, in retrospect, I can realize that being horrified when the other 5-year-old in the sand box laughed at me and said that one day I was going to grow huge boobs was very clearly gender dysphoria I can’t say that my mind then immediately went to “well maybe it’s because I’m this”. The word transgender, or even the hypothetical concept of being able to exist as anything other than as the girl that the world had seen me as since a picture on a sonogram.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? While I didn’t know the word transgender, what I did know was that I did not like myself. My depression was severe by the time that I was 11 or so. However, because I did not know any out trans people or have any queer connections at that time I didn’t consciously recognize that I was another gender, I just thought that I was broken.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. I always wanted to be one of those beautiful emo boys or flamboyant rock stars. I saw myself being tall, skinny, flat-chested and everything else that I saw androgynous to be. It’s honestly taking me some time to come to terms with the fat, short, big chested, crippled body that I call my home. Part of why I am excited to be a part of this project is because I never really see myself represented and I know how beneficial it would have been to my self-image to have seen a picture of someone like me. 71

Transitioning is not a linear process. It’s been exhausting, frustrating, terrifying, depressing and is the best thing that I have ever done for my wellbeing and happiness.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

enn a few years ago was an illuminating experience that really made me realize that it was time to address this part of myself. Laura Jane Grace’s music

Shane is my preferred name and any gender-neutral

has also absolutely been lifesaving for me and has

pronouns are ideal for me, I do however accept he/

gotten me through a lot of the darker moments.

him/his ones as well. I usually present myself as a

In terms of my personal life I am still grateful to

femme boy.

the beautiful, out trans girl that I met at my dorm’s mixer before the start of my sophomore year, who

What does gender identity mean to you?

I am still honored to call one of my close friends. I also will be forever grateful to a few different trans

I think that gender is an incredibly complicated topic

women in the Philadelphia community who were

on which it is difficult to make a blanket statement. Our

maternal towards me and helped me access the

gender identities are influenced by factors ranging from

resources that I needed and welcomed me into the

neurologic makeup to the systems and perceptions of

trans community.

gender within our culture and/or ethnicity. Even the fact that I am both disabled and on the autism spectrum impact the way that I perceive my own masculinity. For everyone’s sake I will resist the urge to go on a long

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

anthropological rant and just say that gender is complicated and every person has the right to present in the

I think that one of the biggest misconceptions that

way that they are most comfortable and should have

most people have about transitioning is that there

their identity respected. Personally, I’m not sure that

is some magical moment where you inject the right

there is another person on the planet who perceives

hormone or have a certain surgery and suddenly

their gender in the exact way that I see my own. I think

a switch is flipped and all is right with the world.

that it is less important that we truly understand all

Transitioning is not a linear process. It’s been

aspects of gender than it is that we just recognize and

exhausting, frustrating, terrifying, depressing and is

respect each person as whatever gender they tell you

the best thing that I have ever done for my wellbe-

that they are.

ing and happiness.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ There have been a few influential people in my transition journey. Getting to hear Laverne Cox speak at UP73

cai When did you realize, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? Spring 2009 was when I had the terminology for how I felt. I think that I had known for a while before then.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

more “normal” in societal views. Even if I still identify as

tern. I was fortunate to have friends that pretty much

trans male. Gender identity just helps me become more

destroyed that person I was. They tore me apart for how

authentic.

I was acting. At the time, I was not happy. But now I am super grateful that they took the time to educate me on

I didn’t handle coming out well. I went through a period of depression that didn’t break for a while. I came out to my friends and family. When I came home from college for the summer my depression was at its highest point.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Outside me appears calm, happy, and stoic. A mask

better version of myself that I am still trying to improve. I think that biggest struggle now is understanding “male

I met people that summer that changed my life and set me on the right track for my mental health.

how much of an asshole I was. They helped me build a

Yes, there was. The first person was someone that I was

privilege” and how I inherited. For a while, I had no idea

dating that was figuring out their identity. They identi-

that I had this privilege. It wasn’t until an ex was trying

fied as trans* and I spent time reading books regarding

to rent a car and had issues with rental place. I was

trans* people to try to understand them better. Through

able to get to her in time and the guy was nice to me,

the reading, I read “T Files” and found myself through

but he was rude to her. She had to explain to me what

the pages.

happened. So, I suppose I am still trying to understand having this privilege when I didn’t have it before. I am

that I have put on for a while. (Here Cai is referring to me, Shayne, the creator behind Inner me is complicated. I still go through periods of

Look Like Yourself) The second person was actually

anxiety. Most days its specific on the subject. Like did

you. You helped me understand that how I was feeling

I lock the doors, did I turn off the oven that I didn’t use

was okay. You introduced me to more trans* folk and

that day. I get anxious in big crowds.

showed me there were many ways to be yourself.

also trying to learn how to use this privilege better.

Without you, I would have withered away that summer. I often question myself if I am “trans enough” Self-

I would never have gone to The Attic Youth Center for

doubt about the course I am taking in my life to find the

therapy. I would not have knowledge of The Mazzoni

real me.

center and what they could do to help me become more me.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

Cai or Caiden. He/him I don’t think I have actually overcome my struggles. I

What does gender identity mean to you?

think it is mostly coping.

Right off the bat, gender is a social construct. Person-

My first struggle when I came out was finding healthy

ally, I find it as a quick way to describe myself. To help

role models of what male was. I started off following

fill in the gaps of personal knowledge. A way to feel

what I saw males doing on TV and following that pat75

I spent time reading books regarding trans* people to try to understand them better. Through the reading, I read â&#x20AC;&#x153;T Filesâ&#x20AC;? and found myself through the pages. 77

elise When did you realize, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? When I was about 14, I was in my 2nd queer relationship, and I realized I was never going to feel comfortable identifying as a lesbian. Coming out was such a weird experience for me, because at that point in my life, I had not found a box that I could use, yet I wanted to share my relationship with my friends and (some of) my family.

I began to explore why that particular label never fit

into any gender category, I often come across more

quite right and realized it was in relation to my own

as a hard femme. I try and be gentle with myself and

gender identity. I began to consider myself bisexual (for

simultaneously, resist the idea that I have to look or feel

lack of better options), but the binary contained within

any particular way due to societal prescriptions, and

that term also felt wrong in context with how I viewed

instead, I just let myself gravitate to what feels right

the world, and myself. I was privileged to grow up in

that day.

the San Francisco Bay Area, so I found and infiltrated this queer circle of youth, who eventually became more like family than friends. I was able to finally learn more

Give me a glimpse of the inside versus your outward appearance.

about genders other than male or female, and around 15 or 16, I assumed the terms genderqueer (or gender

Inwardly, I don’t feel like any kind of gendered appear-

queen, depending on my mood) and queer. I know

ance, however outwardly, it would probably be reason-

some older folk in the LGBTQ+ community take offense

able to assume most people see me as a cis female.

to the term queer and that’s cool. I’ve come to a place

There is some privilege in this, and while I acknowledge

in life where I finally don’t feel like I have to justify my

that, it is also something I wish I could shut off because

own identities to others, and still, I hold space for their

it doesn’t feel good. I don’t want people to see me

feelings of discomfort with that term. However, for me,

like that, but without having the “Gender 101 and My

it feels like a bit of a rebellion to use this label that once

Coming Out” class to everyone I come across, there is

used to be solely a derogatory term. I like the idea of

no way to change that, really. In the ways that women

reclaiming it, and I like that it pushes against the notion

can also be oppressed, I guess this also plays a role. I

that everyone has to fit into any box, in relation to gen-

try not to really think about that too much, if I’m being

der or sexual identity. I find both to be constantly fluc-

honest, because it is depressing as hell how women

tuating for me, and this label almost always feels good.

are treated, and because I have little control over how

It’s definitely the best nook I’ve found, and I feel lucky

strangers perceive my gender. I’d like to think that my

to have found it at such a young age. It could evolve for

friends see my authentic self, which transcends those

me at some point, but I’m good with it for now.

basic-ass gender labels or stereotypes.

How do you deal with that mentally and physically?

How would you prefer people address you? (pronouns, name, etc.)

This is a bit trickier to answer! It really varies from day

Depending on our relationship, Elise, they/them/theirs,

to day. Sometimes I embrace more masculine traits of

and sometimes other ways. My partner fluctuates be-

myself, sometimes more feminine, and sometimes I

tween calling me “baby,” “wife” or “Sir.”

just say “fuck it” and embrace my androgyny. I’ve found

in trouble for saying that, but it’s part of my identity!

I’ll probably get

here are other relational aspects such as how others view you, but identity at its core is so personal. I see it as how you feel within yourself.

for myself that the more I feel like I do not have to fit 79

What does gender identity mean to you?

ner now, who consistently allows and encourages me

and bigoted, and I’ve had to cut people completely out.

to be myself (in all its forms and glories). Haha!

I’m not sorry – they are missing out. I’m a good person, a riot, and they don’t bring any positivity to my life.

Gender identity is the way one views themselves on the spectrum of male to female, or anywhere between or outside of those categories. There are other relational

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

its core is so personal. I see it as how you feel within

Because of the privilege of coming across as a cis

yourself.

female, I think I’ve been lucky to not really have to deal with society being so transphobic as some of my friends and members of my community have. I wish I

love me not in spite of it, but *because of* it.

Also, anything else you want to include in your story?

could shield them and keep them safer, and that people could just let people live their lives and find their

I guess I just want to say that this project is so cool, and

own happiness.

right now (especially with this newly-elected government and the devastating effects they will cause on our

Wow, yes! So many people actually helped provide

and joy are those people I’ve developed these really amazing friendships with, who see me for who I am and

aspects such as how others view you, but identity at

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/where that are.

Instead, and bringing me a constant stream of strength

me the knowledge, community, safety, and strength

That being said, the biggest struggles that I’ve had are

country), it is more critical than ever. Let’s find a way to

to really find and evolve into my authentic self. Some

with resisting the feeling of being stifled or categorized

build community, to love each other, to honor our dif-

of those queer “family” members I mentioned earlier, a

incorrectly, and how that impacts my view of myself.

ferences, and to keep each other safe. We need us, and

teacher who was a mentor of mine, and even my part-

That, and one side of my family is very conservative

we are all worth it.

Riley When did you realize, you don’t relate to your birth gender? The best discourse I ever heard for how I felt, was, “it’s not like I’m trapped in the wrong body, I’m trapped in other people’s perceptions about my body”.

The problem was not that many sources, or representation, exists for non-binary. It made me not realize I was

The best discourse I ever heard for how I felt, was, “it’s not like I’m trapped in the wrong body, I’m trapped in other people’s perceptions about my body”.

Trans* for years. I questioned being trans for eight years before I knew I was. Because my first representation of the community was “stereotypical transmen”, like Buck Angel, I just thought, “yeah. I’m not that, so I can’t be trans.” It took 8 years and a year of therapy to realize it. For some people, it’s easier, they “always knew”, start hormones, get top surgery-go forward, and never look back. being non-binary is hesitating.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? It kept me in a grey area- I knew I wasn’t a girl, but I wasn’t a guy, so I didn’t know who I was. It’s living feeling like, totally fluid, and confused. constantly. I went on hormones for 9 months, and took myself off. I wanted to look more male, but I didn’t want to look like a man. So, I messed with my hormones to determine what was right for me. My biggest obstacle now is my decision to have top surgery or not. To me, non-binary is possibly never having a destination. I just live my life, now. I don’t worry about labels or if I’m too “girl” or if I’m too “boy”.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Inside me is the authentic me, without gendered barriers. Inside me is just a dork, and into music, and space, and dogs and dad jokes. My outside appearance, at my best, I feel like encompasses all the things I love about both genders- my hair is long, my arms and shoulder are broad and strong, I can wear crop tops without feeling like a girl, I have a little bit of chin hair. 83

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. Everyone in my hometown in Alabama calls me

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Also, include anything you want within your story

by my birth name, and “she”. All of the people I have met here, in Philly, call me Riley and “he”. it

The hardest part about being non-binary is

feels like I’m living two split lives, but, that works

constantly feeling excluded and invalidated, be-

for me for now.

tween trans and cis people alike. Never feeling like I am a finished product of transitioning. Trans

What does gender identity mean to you?

has been prevalent in media in the past couple of years, but non-binary is never included, which

Gender identity to me has been smashing all

feels invisible.

expectations and false ideals for myself and creating it into something new, something that’s

It makes attraction infinitely confusing- “do I

me, something that is on the line between gender

want to be that girl, am I attracted to her, do I

and doesn’t have a specific place. I’m comfortable

want to be that guy, am I just attracted to him?”

with that now. That’s where my identity lives. I just

I’ve mostly made my own struggles, and made

do me- it doesn’t have to be that deep.

things hard for myself. I am trying to learn that the way I live and what I enjoy dressing like does

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/ true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

not invalidate me. All my struggles are internal. It’s great when other people accept you, but that doesn’t mean you accept yourself. Once I learn that nothing I like, or want to be, invalidates who I am, I think my struggles will be a lot less

My uncle has been very supportive of me becom-

overwhelming. But I really am happy with how

ing whoever I am. Originally that was because I

far I’ve come and where I’m at.

was a “lesbian”, but that really took a turn. But he is supportive through anything. My parents are very accepting, I am lucky. Other trans men who take pride in their femininity have been extremely important for helping me see a vision and a future where I can feel comfortable.

bryan When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know if I would ever say I never related to my birth gender. I kind of just grew into my truth if that makes sense. My mother has always been very accepting and she never forced any strict gender roles on me growing up.

I got to navigate my sense of self as a young child pretty freely. It wasn’t until I got to middle/high school where this thought of who I was and how gender played a part in that became very apparent to me. The pressure to conform to very strict social views weighed heavy on me. I just sort of delved into sports which allowed me to have a little more freedom to continue exploring my gender expression. It wasn’t until college where I met one of my first friends who came out as transgender and I was enlighten about gender and sexuality being on a spectrum that this light-bulb went off. I actually started to understand all of these feelings I had been having from a young age and could finally start putting into words who I was.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I really didn’t deal with it that well. I was happy to finally have words and understanding of the feelings I had been having for such a long time but honestly it was so heartbreaking at first to come to the realization that I was trans. I grew up Pentecost Christian, I went to church three days a week with my grandparents and it was hard enough coming out as a lesbian that alone put a real strain on my relationship with my grandparents and I had a lot of emotional turmoil those feelings of disappointment, guilt and shame I felt during that time and feeling as though I not only lost the connection I had with my grandparents but also lost that connection with my church “family” I felt real disconnected from my spiritual side so the thought of having to come out again years later as a transgender person was terrifying. 87

Gender Identity to me means freedom. it means self-reflection, it means growth, beauty and authenticity. We are whoever we say we are. I will say however after years of denial about my trans identity to finally have to courage and support system to take the steps necessary to feel happy, whole and to finally feel like my authentic self is indescribable. I feel like no matter what happens in my life I will still have joy in my heart because I am exactly who I am supposed to be. 88

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

some point or another in our relationship asked me if I ever considered myself to be transgender to which I denied. I’m sure my inner struggle with this caused for

I feel like my inner self is a direct reflection of my

some not so pleasant times but also made me stop

outward self. I am a very loyal, kind, and trust worthy

and finally give nod to my truth so I couldn’t have more

human. I feel like my outward appearance gives nod to

love for or be more grateful to them for sticking by me

these truths. I kind of just move through this life in the

during those times. My tried and true friends Katie, Kiera,

ways that reflect my inner truths whatever those maybe

Maggie, Ajaye, Jessica, Grace, DJ, Jaison, Kaila, James,

at any given time. I try to always do and reflect what

Clay, Mary. Each one of these folks offered nothing but

feels most authentic to me. I don’t like boxing myself

endless love and support. Honestly I probably wouldn’t

in. Society has a very rigid view on gender so I believe

be alive today if it wasn’t for them holding me and uplift-

it’s best to make up your own definitions of yourself for

ing me all of these years. And of course, my Mother and

yourself.

Brother they are my whole heart and have done nothing but be supportive of me which really makes me feel like

How would you prefer people to address you? Pronouns, preferred name etc.

the luckiest person. Each one of these people in some form or another helped me finally see myself. They grew with me, they supported me but most of all they loved

I feel most aligned with He/ Him pronouns I also feel

me and while I don’t think there is any one way to find

comfortable with They/ Them pronouns.

yourself I feel honored that my path to truth was carved out with each one of these people by my side.

What does gender identity mean to you? Gender Identity to me means freedom. it means self-

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

reflection, it means growth, beauty and authenticity. We are whoever we say we are. And that to me is incredible.

The human experience is an interesting one. I have had so many different lived experiences, I have been

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are.

seen and identified as so many versions of myself. This whole editing and re-editing of myself to get to the “ final” version has been wild. There was the “straight” femme version, the lesbian femme version, the butch

So many people have helped me on my journey. There

lesbian version, the pansexual queer non-binary version

are a select few however that I have to give recogni-

and now here we are at the “Hello I’m Bryan version”

tion to. Claire, Natalie, Brittney my former partners who

ha I don’t think we should ever limit ourselves constant

goddess blesses your souls did so much emotional

evolution/ growth is what it’s all about. I will say however

labor with me when we dated. Each one of them at

I’m so glad to be living my most authentic version.

logan When did you realize, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I always thought I was a boy when I was very young. My sister Kelly is 18 months younger than me and looking back I truly thought I was a boy and she was a girl.

My Mom would dress us in “matching” clothes sometimes and I would insist upon the blue pants version of whatever the outfit was. She would get dolls and princess things as gifts and I would get He-man and Transformer toys. My parents were really accepting of my preferences and just really allowed me to do what I wanted for the most part. Being that it was the early 80s and they are both Roman Catholic looking back I really was blessed with how open to me they were. The earliest memory I have of actually being aware that something was “off” was a conversation I had with my Mom when I was probably about 5 or 6. I was obsessed with Santa Claus at that time, obsessed all year around. I had a “workshop” in my parent’s attic and would make toys and I wanted to be Santa Claus when I grew up. I remember my mother coming up to check on me and I told her I wanted to be Santa Claus when he died, which I figured would be soon because he looked old, and she responded by saying, “I couldn’t be Santa Claus I could be Mrs. Claus” to which I responded, “No, I will be Santa Claus and I will have a Mrs. Claus.” The look of like “umm what the heck how do I respond to this” on her face made me realize something was off. These types of conversations happened frequently when I was a young, me being told basically, that I’m not a boy.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? When I was a kid I did my best to dress in stereo typically male clothes when I had the option. I went to Catholic school though so… skirts. All my toys and things were for boys, I played boys tee ball, I was a 91

regular boy in my mind except that at some point I realized everyone else thought I was a girl and that my body was

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

a girl body so I had to pretend to be one. That’s still how

Identity” is a really personal thing and I feel like each individual human has their own unique identity and “gender identity” is no different. 92

I feel most of the time. It’s only pretty recently I decided

Well, I mean, in my mind I resemble a younger Johnny

I don’t have to pretend. I remember pretty frequently

Depp, that’s definitely how I look on the inside, hahaha.

sneaking into my parent’s room when my Mom was mak-

Sometimes I feel like I come across much “harder” than I

ing dinner before my father was home from work. Opening

am if that makes sense, especially at first with strangers.

his armoire and putting on his jeans and old worn out tee

I have been around the block and can be really guarded

shirts and checking myself out in the mirror and feeling

or tough presenting (or I try to be anyway). In reality I’m

so happy with myself in those moments despite being

the complete opposite of that. I’m very sensitive, I love

worried someone would catch me. These feelings always

everyone, I try not to hurt anyone’s feelings and if I do I

gave me some level of anxiety and contributed to me be-

feel bad about it for all of eternity.

ing insanely shy as a kid. I then had a period for like 2 or 3 years maybe 7th grade to freshman year where I truly tried to be a girl and date boys. This didn’t work out very well.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

Once I hit high school age I found it much easier to be myself for some reason. I was introduced to the concept

I have recently, past 6 months asked people to start call-

of “gay people” and I had my first girlfriend. People started

ing me Logan and use male pronouns. This was sooooo

calling me a “dyke” (not in a nice way) and I tried to own

difficult for me, coming out as transgender and then ask-

that. For a long time, I did. It made way more sense than

ing for this. I truly felt like it was possible that I would lose,

anything else ever had. I felt like I had a word like a name

well, everything. This, especially the pronoun aspect, just

for my identity. A few years ago, and started thinking more

feels 1000 times more comfortable and fitting to me. This

about things and my identity and I realized I am in fact

was so stressful for me though, more than anything I have

transgender, not a “dyke” and realized the impact this, and

ever done. Everyone has been really great about it to my

my “pretending to be a girl” has had on my life. I always

surprise, even at work.

thought I had to just accept things as they were, and just pretend and go with it and that everyone else should just

What does gender identity mean to you?

do the same and accept things too. I remember being jealous of people that I knew personally that would transi-

To me that just really references a person’s personal

tion like it seemed unfair or like “cheating” to me because

experience of their own gender. “Identity” is a really

it seemed so impossible for me. I never thought I would

personal thing and I feel like each individual human has

have the courage to do anything about any of these feel-

their own unique identity and “gender identity” is no dif-

ings. I then realized that wasn’t the case and you can be

ferent. It’s a personal thing and for me exploring my own

who you are, I am brave enough, and people will love me

gender identity the past few years has been a really eye

anyway, and that I can be who I am.

opening internal exploration, it’s really allowed me to get

to know, love, and finally truly be able to accept myself.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ Yes, actually my partner Mash. She is a gender queer non-binary lovely human being and she has allowed me the freedom in this relationship and in life to feel that I can fully explore my own gender identity and still be loved and supported by a partner in that exploration, which has been great. Even down to my first experience with binding and getting to see how that felt looking at myself in the mirror with me in her binder. It gave me that same feeling I used to get looking at myself as a kid in my dad’s clothes. That aspect of my body was always something I didn’t associate with. I would always refuse to wear a bra saying that I don’t have to because I’m a boy. I finally gave in and started wearing a too small sports bra in my late 20’s. Seeing myself in the binder made me realize more than ever how much I wanted top surgery and Mash was more than supportive with that whole process of my surgery too. I feel like she sees and always has seen who I am inside. I feel like she, more than anyone else I have yet to encounter sees me as I see myself. When we first started spending time together I remember her saying that I should be her husband almost in a joking manner, this was before I came out as transgender before I asked for male pronouns, and that made me feel like she really did see me for me. I agree that I should be her husband. I couldn’t be luckier, truly with the family and partner I have been blessed with and how smoothly coming out as transgender has gone for me.

jase When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I was about 5 or 6. I remember standing in my bathroom tub looking at my body and exploring its features. I have 3 older siblings. Two sisters and a brother. They were close to 20, 19 and 18 years old when I was born. I knew

There are so many gender identities out there. It’s up to you to explore. what their physicality looked like and knew in my mind what my body was going to look like when I became older. In my head, something didn’t match but being that young and not knowing the world just quite yet, I just let it slide. It wasn’t until around 10 or 12 I finally understood that there were puzzle pieces missing. I came out to my one sister whom I knew was bisexual. And she explained to me that I was a lesbian. I took that and rolled with it since back than all there was to known knowledge was either lesbian, gay or bisexual. For years that’s how I “labeled” myself. As a pretty boi lesbian. It wasn’t until 19 years young, my first year of college, that I was introduced to the gender neutral and transgender side of this beautiful rainbow family. I was walking into class when one of my friends was dropped off by her partner. In my head, I had so many questions but one stick out. “Why was he so pretty?” And not in the sense I was hitting on him but his look was so invigorating. So, I asked her and that’s when she smiled and told me he was trans male. She than explains to me that spectrum and tells me to get in contact with him. So, I did. He took me to the trans health conference in Philadelphia. I remember running

outside in a panic and lighting a cigarette. Sitting there crying, he comes to me and says “I know exactly what’s happening right now. This is where it all made sense to me as well.” So, at 19 I figured all those years of not making sense, I finally found I was trans. Sadly I didn’t start hormones until 23 almost 24 because I was not ready at the young age of a teenager. I started hormones, testosterone, and again “labeled” myself as transgender male. Changed my name and pronouns and was living but something in my head just still didn’t match. For a few years, I bottled up what I was truly feeling but was too afraid to face it. I felt I was too deep into being known as trans male that I didn’t want to upset anyone close to me. Well I couldn’t take not being my true form anymore so now at the young sappy age of 26 and a half (27 in December) I finally blossomed into me. No cares on who wants to judge or not. I have a friend who is non-binary but on the trans spectrum as well. And after having such deep conversations with them for months, I decided you know what I myself am going to put my fears aside and just be me. I know deep down this is my true self. I know years ago I was taught about trans but there’s more than just either full female or full male. And it finally for real makes sense. I came out as non-binary/free spirited transgender. Or what I like to call myself, a fire faerie.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I honestly just explored different sides of the lgbtq+ community to research in a deeper sense all the thoughts in my head. I felt that I couldn’t really describe what I was feeling. So, what’s better to do than to meet others who may be going through the same or close on the same scenarios as me. I also wasn’t afraid to explore clothing. 95

As weird as that sounds. I would go shopping to see

What does gender identity mean to you?

what fits and what made me feel so confident. It means the way you express yourself because that is

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

how you see and feel you truly are. And no one should feel afraid or alone. There are so many gender identities out there. It’s up to you to explore.

Inside and outside me are very close to similar. Inside I’m always partying, “lol” as the kids say. I’m always putting together new outfits, or dreaming of adventures with my very wonderful family of friends. There’s always music as

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

well. But I’m also a princess. I dream of the “knight in shiny armor” sweeping me off my feet out of the tall bell tower.

There have been several people. Too many to count and

Or out of an 80s movie, where someone is holding a

write every story. But I appreciate and love them all, even

boom box outside my window trying their hardest to get

if we don’t speak anymore. I want them all to know that

my attention because all along they wanted me. And it’s

they have helped me in ways they won’t ever know. I don’t

like that on the outside too. I dress myself accordingly, I

know how to thank each and every one of them enough.

dance to music consistently, and I’m a hippie gypsy faerie

Some I have and every day I thank and love them. My

waiting for their prince or bad boy to come along.

siblings are the biggest ones of all. They are you true fans along with their kids. Even my Mom. Without them

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

I wouldn’t know this world today. Every single person whether relation or not has been through thick and thin with me. And I greatly love them with all of my being and

My full name is Jase-Sayje Rain Quinn. I have various

more.

friends who call me Jase, others call me Sayje. My family calls me babes; I have a few family and friends who call me both. Or there are those who call me pineapple or

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

pineberry because of my dreadlocks that sometimes are sitting on top of my head.

Basically, just really exploring the world. Even though I was a late bloomer, I really set out into every nook and

My pronouns are whatever you see me as. They/them/

cranny I could find. I think I explained most of it already

theirs, or he/him/his or she/her/hers. I’m a free spirit in

but it’s really just been my surroundings. Including people,

this non-binary but also transgender spectrum. I really am

clothing, different events etc. it’s extremely nerve wreck-

not picky.

ing but don’t be afraid! You’ll find the paths you’ll really want to be on. The more positivity you surround yourself with and be a part of, the more light will come into play.

ayden When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? Looking back at my life Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always been a little boy but it took me until I was 19 to realize who I was.

I get through it cause of my friends, fiancé, my family, I know I have them behind me which is why I can say I’m trans and I don’t care how other people look at me. 99

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

Mentally it was like my first breath of air especially due to the long battle I went through beforehand. I took it step by

Honestly the people who are still a big part of my life

step by being straight forward with my family and friends

today are who helped me become who I am today. But

about myself. Made sure I always had someone to talk to

the biggest impact is my beautiful fiancé she’s helped

about what was going on mentally which helped maybe

me shape myself into the man I’ve become by remind-

not always but sadly with transitioning your worst enemy

ing me every day how she sees me and pushing me

is yourself. I just keep trying to look forward and picture

when I’m beating myself up about my transition. If it

my goal in my head.

wasn’t for her I wouldn’t feel as confident as I do when I walk out my door.

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve overcome them.

On the outside first thing you see is just some punk guy covered in tattoos and piercings. On the inside I’m a

Honestly I have my days where I still struggle I’m 2years

nature boy I love the mountains while at the same time

into my transition and I feel as if all eyes are one me if

my soul belongs to the ocean. I have a bigger heart then

you can see my chest binder or if I don’t have facial hair

I should. I choose nature over society and I’m a little old

I look feminine still or my voice isn’t that deep or when

school. I love all music even though I look like I’m more

I take my shirt off everyone sees the tape and I have a

into rock. I come off quiet but only because my mind is

target on me. It’s hard waiting for that day where u can

always racing but when I do speak I might stutter but I’m

be shirtless and happy or look the way you want. But I

smart, I’m dorky, I’m strong.

get through it cause of my friends, fiancé, my family I know I have them behind me which is why I can say I’m

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. I go by ayden and he, him, they, them

What does gender identity mean to you? To me gender identity is just being who you are, doing whatever it takes for you to be able to look in the mirror and say this is me and it is so good to finally meet myself. 100

trans and I don’t care how other people look at me.

101

jennifer When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? When I was 3 years old I had the idea that at some point in everyoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life they got to choose which gender they wanted to be, and I knew that I wanted to be a girl more than anything.

102

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I didn’t really, I repressed all those feelings. Obviously, they never really went away, and constantly plagued me my whole life. I would sometimes just lying in bed at night crying, wishing that God or anything out there would just change me! Then when I was 22 it turned to severe depression, I wouldn’t eat and barely slept. I never attempted suicide or anything, but the thought was always there. That maybe it would just be easier. That’s when I knew I needed help.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. People have said that I have a bit of a punk-ish style, and am angry or just silently judging everyone. Really I just want to have fun, make friends, and help people out when I can. I love to help out when and where I can. Especially for other trans people who are new, I want to help however I can and I like doing that.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. My name is Jennifer Yukine McShulkis, and I’m a woman. So, I prefer female pronouns.

What does gender identity mean to you? Gender identity is how we all define and identify our own gender, regardless of what ever sex or genitals we were born with. It’s just something that you know in your mind, you have a sense of it. It’s really hard to describe I think. 103

When I was 3 years old I had the idea that at some point in everyoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s life they got to choose which gender they wanted to be, and I knew that I wanted to be a girl more than anything. 104

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ Honestly I didn’t really have anyone until recently. I had my first counselor Sarah. As well as the support group that I go to, it’s filled with so many cool and interesting people, but especially Danna and Jenifer! They gave me something I never had before, friends, and really opened my eyes up to who I am and who I could to be.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. I’m still struggling. I grew up going to a Catholic School, so the LGBTQ community wasn’t a prime topic of discussion. They never showed outright hatred or disgust, but it was known that it was a sin and it was wrong. I ended up feeling like I was just some freak or weirdo after a while. It took a lot to finally break myself from that thinking, and now I’m struggling to figure things out now that I am myself. What are the things that Jenn wants? Because I am a truly different person now than I was before.

105

chris When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? This one is easy. My very first memories of my childhood start around the age of 4, when I would pray/wish every night that I would wake up the next day with a penis and become a boy.

106

I absolutely knew the difference between boys and girls even at that young age, and I knew that my exter-

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

nal body did not match who I was on the inside. Outwardly I appear very masculine. I am short but built

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

(well, fat lol) with a big bushy beard and lots of body hair. I like wearing sports jerseys and baseball caps. But I’m still very particular about my fashion and make sure eve-

If you look at pictures of me as a young child, there is

rything matches, even down to my shoes. However, the

a clear divide as to when my parents said I started to

inside me is very sensitive and not at all like the outward

refuse to wear dresses and other “girls” things. This is

appearance.

right when my memories of praying and wishing to be a boy started, around the age of 4. I asked to have my hair cut short and I started dressing in boys clothing. I

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

remember in kindergarten being teased by the older kids on the bus and they would ask me “Are you a boy

I use male (he/him/his) pronouns. My friends and

or a girl?” and I would get upset not because I was be-

family calls me Chris, and on a professional basis I go by

ing teased, but because I didn’t have a proper answer.

Christopher.

Throughout early elementary school, I coped with my gender dysphoria by presenting as male and I would

What does gender identity mean to you?

push it as far as I could, but I don’t recall ever outwardly stating “I am a boy”. My friends (mostly boys) accepted

Gender identity to me is who I am as a whole. It is what

me for who I was and I was allowed to have sleepovers

and how I identify myself as a person. To be honest I

with them. Basically, I was treated and viewed no

can’t really express it any further than that.

differently than the other boys and that positively contributed to my early development. One particular special memory I have was when I was

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

in 1st grade and my aunt got married, I was supposed to be the flower girl. That was really upsetting to me,

There are three people I think of when I think of becom-

as my male cousin was the ring bearer and he got to

ing my authentic self. The first person is my high school

wear a suit and play the traditional “boy” role. My Mom

girlfriend, Dane Bauer Hassid. We broke up before I

borrowed a white suit from her friend for me and I while

really realized I was trans (in college) but we became

I still played the “girl” role, I got to do it in a snazzy white

friends again and when I was having a hard time coping

and pink suit. Boy, did I look good!

with my dysphoria during college she invited me to visit her at her school and let me be Chris for a weekend here 107

and there in a really welcoming queer environment. I also got to meet other trans people for the first time because of her. The second person who helped me was my friend Ryan Goulden. He is one of my best friends from college. He came with me to come out to my family because I was so scared to do it on my own. He was always a sounding board for me and someone that I could talk to when I was having a hard time. The third person is my first therapist I started seeing after I came out. She worked specifically with transgender patients and her name is Maureen Osborne. She did more for me than I can ever express in terms of gratitude. She retired in 2015 I think it was but we still keep in touch. She literally is a life saver for me.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Also, include anything you want within your story I definitely had a hard time dealing with my dysphoria and my gender identity, particularly in college. That was when I first learned the term “transgender” and realized that there was an explanation for what I was feeling about myself. I tried coping with alcohol – to the point of becoming addicted to it and having my life spiral out of control. I stopped drinking on July 27, 2012 and haven’t looked back since. I started my transition in 2007 so the first few years I was still drinking, but now that I’ve stopped I’ve become much healthier. I’ve also made it my goal to talk about my history of mental illness (bipolar disorder and anxiety specifically) to show people that you can be successful even though you have said illnesses. I was very sick when I was first diagnosed, and my gender also played a role. But just like with my alcoholism, I’ve come out on top! 108

Gender identity to me is who I am as a whole. It is what and how I identify myself as a person. To be honest I can’t really express it any further than that.

109

darius When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? My relation to masculinity and subsequent lack of relation to femininity was definitely more of a waveform than a straight-line.... however, one of the first time I can remember being depressed about not being born a boy was at a very young age.

110

I grew up right outside of Nashville, Tennessee. In

I kept my beliefs to myself and no one could ever

the humid, religiously stifling, magical culmination of

change me or take them away from me. They were my

hauntingly beautiful and intensely polarized territory

own private paradise.

that makes up the south. Slowly, I started voicing my opinions about politics, reMy Mom had moved us into a nice house next to my

ligion and philosophy. But outwardly I looked normal....

grandmother and grandfather’s house (whom we used

not the way I wanted to. I conformed physically to the

to live in the same house with) and my Aunts house

way my family wanted me to be because I knew it was

was in the backyard. I was so happy to live there but

important to them. So yeah from about 13 to 21 there

when I walked into my room... it was decorated with

was some really bad fashion. Haha.

pink wallpaper with dolls all the way around the room. And sheets, and pillows, and comforter all matched. A

It took me moving to the west coast trying to be a part

world of pink. A pastel pepto bismol that couldn’t do its

of the queer scene and subsequently finding out how

job. Because every time I saw it, I wanted to throw up.

fake, disingenuous, and cliquey most of that popular-

Lol. Not to mention as a fan of horror movies, the doll

ity contest was... to find my true heart and be able to

theme was unsettling and creepy to me. This would be

express myself outwardly. And I don’t mean to come

any little girls dream. Except for me.

down on the queer scene... in some ways I would love to be more a part of it... but unfortunately as with most

But the actual first time ever I had that realization

scenes your kind of have to mold yourself in a way and

was when I was watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger

if you don’t vibe with certain things then I personally

movie. I was about 4 years old. At the end, I remember

just don’t fuck with it. I’m a little too rugged and rough

running to the bathroom and ripping off my shirt to

around the edges to be accepted. And I do want to

show off my guns in the mirror and imagined how im-

stress that no community will ever be perfect. It’s about

pressed girls would be when I saved them from robots,

picking what vibes with you. Which is fine.

government plots or evil terrorists. 80s Action movies influenced me a lot. Typical boy shit.

But when I found my community... it was love at first listen. The east bay punk scene. I will be forever grateful

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

to be a part of it, for the lessons I learned and for the

Being from the south, there’s a lot of unspoken (and

Coming out is awesome. You can come out multiple

some spoken) rules of culture, class and manners

times but it’s not where u start or what community you

that were demanded. So, I reacted like any old soul,

start out with sometimes. But once u find your commu-

creative child under the crushing weight of patriotism,

nity. It just feels right. And it’s 100% OK and good for you

family values and Bible Baptist politics....I didn’t say shit.

to find fulfilling communities outside of the gay/queer

people I met.

Gender identity is our internal mental and emotional compass aligning with your higher spiritual existence. community or even not be a part of them at all. Do you. And your people will find you. Avoid the fakes. That’s my best advice. So basically, to fully answer the question, learning about your true nature with or without sexual identity/gender expression and meeting different kinds of people always helps.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Well if I had more paper... I’d throw in some more hip hop vibe sneakers, hats etc. Maybe buy some really dope vintage punk clothes. But, honestly I think my clothes and body modification describe a lot of myself. 111

What does gender identity mean to you?

distancing myself from my family even though they weren’t terrible about the queer coming out. When I

Gender identity is our internal mental and emotional

was younger, it infuriated me my family couldn’t see

compass aligning with your higher spiritual existence. If/

past their biases because I managed to see how dumb

how that translates to a human understanding of male or

biases were.

female, a wider spectrum or none of that But they were great about me coming out as answer (Non-binary) ... it’s all gender identity. Most societies pre-

out trans man... it made way more sense to them

industrial revolution of all different races recognized and

answer bound myself. Finally answer bound label that

even revered what we would call “third gender”, “trans”

fit. And it felt like finally solving a mystery. The puzzle

and “twin spirited” people. So, I personally believe it is

piece that finally popped in with no effort.

100% psychological assault on queer and trans inclusive cultures (most of which happened to be brown) that their history is being erased and they are being vilified for that

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

they were once given god-like social and spiritual status.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

Also, include anything you want within your story Most of my struggles with identity were not about accepting myself as a man. Mostly, they dealt with how

Yes. I went to a very queer college in Oakland CA. Many

my family would perceive me and how my dating life

of the women there were queer and if not feminist and

would be like.

empowering. I already was vibing with that but it didn’t hurt to be in that community. One of my friends started

I realized if someone wants to know me then this is me.

transitioning in college and it kind of shocked me for

And in terms of dating.... people that are my type are

various reasons. I realized what I felt was competition,

a lot more knowledgeable and interested in alterna-

money was free and jobs didn’t mind.

maybe even jealousy. And that’s kind of when I was like

tive interactions. The popularity of people identifying

fuck it... you can’t keep spending your life in survival

as non-binary and gender queer, open relationships,

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

mode.... or you can be happy. My family wasn’t wonderful

a queer person dating a heterosexual person... all of

about me coming out as queer. They were OK but they

this has made dating easier for me. The other piece

thought they had done something wrong to turn me off

of the puzzle is just how expensive top surgery. Crazy

I’m not complicated in that way... He, him, dude.

from men or relationships. They were instantly support-

how much debt trans people have. Through potential

ive of me being trans. My Mom said she always wanted

surgeries and hormone therapy cost. We are at a huge

“Hey asshole!” works too. We are in Philly no doubt.

a son and she loved me either way and my family life

disadvantage medically.

The outside is just a little more toned down than the inside. Haha. I’d be covered in tattoos and jewelry if

112

instantly got better. I spent a lot of time purposefully

113

madison When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? When I was 5 years old.

114

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Growing up was difficult, my father was very anti LGBTQ, He forced his views on me and if I deviated from what he saw as being normal id face a multitude of beatings. So, to deal with this mentally I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t able to really, the pure feeling of fear of my life kept me from ever addressing it. Physically I was able to sneak around and have my own fashion shows in the basement, however I was not very discreet as my Mom had caught me with female garments well over 100 times a few of which my father was a party to, I imagine you can figure out what transpired.

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. The inside me is very loving and always willing to help others when the need arises, the outward me is hard to explain because Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not incredibly happy with the way I look and that does impact how I live my everyday life

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. I prefer female pronouns and to be called Madison

What does gender identity mean to you? To me gender identity means feeling comfortable in your own skin with the ability to live as the gender you were meant to be

115

gender identity means feeling comfortable in your own skin with the ability to live as the gender you were meant to be

116

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ Yes! when I was on the fence about transitioning I met Jaden Remy and Aubrey Melony Gibaldi. those two helped me conquer the one thing that weighed me down which was the toxic relationship between myself and my father I owe a great deal of who I am to those two lovely humans

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve overcome them. OMG the struggles were so real, I lived my life the way my dad wanted me to live it. I sunk myself into depression and didn’t value life very much. I played sports and did the macho man thing for the better part of 28 years. I got into body building video games, and partying every week to keep me on the straight and narrow, nothing was working. When I moved out of my parents’ house that’s when I was able to blossom.

117

randi When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? When I look back on my life Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always been a boy at heart and always thought of myself as male but it took me until I was 26 to finally come to terms with what I felt and stopped hiding.

118

my life. I learned how to cope with things not involving

grave, but you can enjoy life while you’re alive. People have

food-but I still didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I have

said I have a very bubbly personality and that is what draws

When I was a kid I always wanted to dress in boy clothes,

always hated my chest; I hid them in oversized t-shirts and

people to me. I enjoy making new friends. And I also enjoy

most of my toys I asked for birthdays/Christmas were

hoodies. Until one day I looked down at them and then

helping other trans-brothers, friends, family, or just about

always things meant for boys. My Mom and everyone

stared at them in the mirror in disgust and cried for hours

anyone learn more about the transgender community-as

else considered me just your average tomboy and never

wishing I could rip them off. That’s when I knew it was time

education is always key in understanding what you don’t

questioned anything which is probably why I couldn’t

to seek help professionally as I was becoming more and

know.

understand my feelings of what I felt at an early age. In

more depressed, I was suicidal. And mind you I just mar-

my mind, I thought I was a boy and when I was forced to

ried my wife-two months after we got married is when I

wear girls clothes it gave me anxiety, and the urge to cry

dropped the bomb shell on her about this. How I felt wasn’t

every time I looked down at what I was wearing because

about her or us, it was about me and trying to express that

it just didn’t feel right. I would carry on and throw temper

was the worst part. I felt it before in our relationship but just

tantrums every time I was forced to wear a piece of girls’

didn’t have the words to say or how to say it. It has been a

clothing. I will never forget the first time I went to a fast

rocky road leading up till now-but mentally I feel free now.

food place and got a happy meal…receiving that “girl

It was the best decision I made to transition.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

car they had on display. My Mom had to keep telling me

I prefer male pronouns and to be called Randi

What does gender identity mean to you? To me it means feeling comfortable in your own skin. Doing

toy” in that happy meal was horrible. I cried for hours not understanding why they wouldn’t give me the match box

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

whatever it takes for you to be able to look at yourself and say this is me and it feels amazing to finally feel that way. I feel you can’t put a price tag on that feeling. Transitioning

over and over that I was girl and that is why I didn’t get that toy. That toy was meant for little boys. Instead I received a

I like to say I am just simply me. My wife tends to say I

is expensive but at the end of the day it’s a feeling that is

Barbie figurine. Being young I just didn’t understand that

am dorky, lol. I tend to keep a clean look appearance.

so soul satisfying to finally know your body matches you’re

nor have the words to describe how I felt other than saying

I am someone that cares a lot about how I look-not for

mind and heart.

I want to wear that or I want to play with that over a Barbie.

other people but for myself. I spent most of my life very

I always knew I was different from most kids, I just couldn’t

overweight and very just Uncomfortable-Now that I finally

pin point why. I lost my dad when I was 4-being young

feel comfortable in my own skin both weight and identify

and losing a parent wasn’t easy. I had a rough childhood

wise-I like to feel good about how I look. To me hair is a

at times. Then puberty hit with developing the chest-I

way to express yourself and you can be as creative as

started hiding my emotions in food the older I got…. food

you want with it-so I tend to always do different hair styles

Yes-Two people specifically.

was my go to thing when I felt depressed, suicidal, happy,

and do things different than the average person. My hair is

Social media is an amazing thing to connect with people

grieving over my father still, or any other emotions. When

something that always has to be on point when I leave the

from all over. As much bad rap as it gets I couldn’t be more

I was 22 I hit my all-time low of hitting almost 400 lbs. I

house if I haven’t shaved it off to do another style. Overall

thankful for it as it has helped me with many things includ-

was pre-diabetic and other health issues. From that point

I am someone that just wants to have fun and live life. In

ing finding others like me. I followed this one person on

on I decided to focus on me, I lost the weight through

my mind life was not meant to just work and pay bills. I

Instagram since the start of his transition and his beautiful

weight loss surgery after trying countless diets but yet still

enjoy working and making money but I also enjoy making

family with his wife and kids. His name is ‘Giovanni Carlo’

had age 25/26 I still felt like something was missing with

memories. I was taught you can’t take your money to your

he was on the cover of FTM magazine at one point. We

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

119

became friends and exchanged phone numbers and

But for the people that have not been so supportive can

couldn’t be more grateful for him and his friendship. He

take a toll on you at times. I try not to live my life according

really helped me realize that the thoughts I had now or

to other people’s views, opinions or what not because

when I was younger was normal and I wasn’t alone in

it’s my life at the end of the day. But when you encounter

those thoughts. He helped point me to where to buy my

people who just don’t understand you or what you are

first binder, how and what I need to know on starting tran-

going through can make it difficult-especially when they

sitioning. He was my go to person for everything. It also

don’t try to understand or refuse to. It tends to make you

really helped that he was married too. His wife became

feel like you don’t belong and you are the outcast during

friends with my wife and helped with my transition and

those situations. The worst part is when they throw hidden

coming to terms with everything. When I became friends

statements about things that relate to what you are going

with Giovanni, he opened a door for me. I was flooded by

through. I will give anyone respect, but the moment you

the amount of resources meaning people who are out

disrespect me-is the moment you lose my respect for you

there just like me. I discovered the world of YouTube Ac-

as a human. I want people to understand that I am still

tivists. Which leads me to second person who helped me.

me, I am still Randi. I have not changed as a person deep

That YouTube Activists is ‘Chase Ross’. His YouTube videos

down. I have changed my physical appearance and I have

were just so educational but yet funny on being Trans and

gained hope in life and in myself again. It’s truly sad that

Transitioning. He added his own twist and quirk on them

people can’t respect you for that. Society puts labels and

that made them interesting to watch. My wife and I would

restrictions on everything: “You’re not a man if you don’t

watch his videos for hours snuggled up in bed together.

like sports” “You’re not man enough because you don’t do

His videos helped me understand pretty much just about

this or that”-It makes it hard to live in a world when people

anything I had questions on that a doctor or therapist

are constantly throwing those sorts of comments around.

couldn’t answer for me. His videos also helped my wife

It makes you feel invalid. No one should be made feel that

understand a little bit more of what I am going through

way regardless of you are as a person. I try to be open

mentally and physically.

about my transition to everyone, because I feel like education is key to understanding what you don’t know. I’ve had

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

parents of young children friend and message me on Facebook asking me for guidance on how they can help be a better parent to their children who is going through

Honestly, I still struggle at times. I am little over 1 year

identity issues. Change starts and comes from people

and 6 months into my transition and easily pass as “Male”.

with an open mind and willing to learn. Anyone can go to

I am proud of who I am and how far I have come but

school and make 6 figures a year-BUT at the end of the

being transgender is not easy for many reasons. Most of

day if you don’t have respect for other humans who just

my family has been excellent with my transition a long

want to feel themselves-then honestly I think you are the

with my wife and friends. My wife has been my biggest

reason the world is the way it is.

support system and I couldn’t be more thankful for her. 120

Transitioning is expensive but at the end of the day itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a feeling that is so soul satisfying to finally know your body matches youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re mind and heart. 121

gina When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I would say as far back as I could start remembering things, so probably around 3 years old.

122

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Mentally back when I was younger and very uneducated about trans science or the trans community in general, I kind of just accepted that I was “male” and there was nothing I could really do about it. As I got older and my feelings about being myself became stronger and harder to repress, I pounced on any opportunity I could to express my femininity. Any moment I had my house to myself, I would dress up in any women’s clothes I could acquire. Many Halloweens were spent dressed femme because at that time it was the only way I could express myself out in public. I did feel a lot of shame growing up and feeling this way. I actually hated myself for it and was really depressed. I would go through periods of time where I would try my hardest to suppress all these emotions and try and convince myself it could go away. I would throw all my women’s clothing in the trash and promise myself I would never show my feminine side again. That never worked though haha. I even went through an extreme overcompensating phase towards the end of high school and during college where I hit the gym really hard and attempted to be an “alpha male” amongst all my very masculine friends I grew up with. I extremely regret that period because losing muscle mass was almost as hard as gaining it in the first place. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I was coming down from an acid trip where I finally broke down and experienced a moment of self-acceptance. I sat there in pitch darkness and asked why I hated myself and I then 123

realized I needed to embrace this part of me because it

moment you identify as this and then next moment you

was something I could never change.

identify as something else. I personally don’t “identify” as a woman, I AM a woman.

A week later I started buying women’s clothing again and a few months after I bought my first wig and makeup. Sooner or later I came out for the first time to my lesbian friends and they encouraged me to take my

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

first steps out in public as myself. Fast toward about a year later and I came out publicly to everyone I know

It was actually a person you previously interviewed a

and then began taking hormones and started laser hair

few months ago. My dear friend and “big brother”, Rylan,

removal shortly after.

who most people know as Murph. He really helped get me to make my first appointment at Mazzoni Center and

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

to put all the fears I had about transitioning behind me. To this day he’s my number one person to talk to about anything really, even besides trans stuff. I really look

Inside me is pretty obnoxious. I know everyone says

up to him as a big brother and wouldn’t be where I am

they are sarcastic, but I have a serious problem with

today without him. He’s my number one supporter and I

being a witty smartass all the time that enjoys bullshit-

got his back no matter what.

ting and messing with people on a daily basis. I can’t control it sometimes and it gets me in trouble lol. It’s a gift and a curse. I have a very weird dry sense of humor

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

that my real close friends understand and appreciate. Outside me looks like she wants to sacrifice your child

Before I started transitioning and in the very beginning,

to Satan and burn your church down but that’s far from

I was super convinced that no one would see me as a

the truth lol

woman and that I would be “a man in a dress” for the rest of my life. Few things that helped get rid of this

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

feeling were growing breasts from hormones and not having to wear forms anymore, letting my hair grow out enough to not have to wear wigs anymore, and

My name is Gina and my pronouns are She/Her/Hers

completing all my laser hair removal sessions so I didn’t have to worry about my 5 o’clock shadow growing in

What does gender identity mean to you?

while I was out in public and not having to wear multiple layers of makeup to hide it.

I honestly hate the term “Gender Identity” To me it sounds like you are going through a phase and at one 124

I personally don’t “identify” as a woman, I AM a woman.

125

alex When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? Up until 3rd grade (about age 8), I thought I was a boy for all intents and purposes. My parents were open minded, and had always let me have a short haircut, wear boysâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; clothes, and play with G.I. Joe instead of Barbie.

126

There was one day in school, while in 3rd grade, that

and 80s) that I must be a lesbian. I never did relate to

this all changed. I remember it like it was yesterday.

women on a spiritual level when it came to relation-

Some of the boys in my class were mad because I was

ships. In my late 20s and 30s I had a few long-term, and

better at kick ball, and a faster runner, than them. We

unfulfilling, partnerships with lesbians. Throughout all

were out on the playground for recess, playing kick

of this time, I was seeing therapists and psychiatrists for

ball, and I had just kicked a “home run.” One of the

anxiety and depression. I started to believe what I was

boys (I still remember his first and last name) came up

hearing from people. That there was something wrong

to me as I was celebrating my victory, and pushed me

with me, that I was just confused, that I was really just

so hard that I fell down. He then proceeded to stand

gay, etc. Over the years I have made 3 serious attempts

overtop of me, look down at me with a sneer, and said

to end my life, all of which failed (obviously, lol). It was

“You just want to be a boy!” I remember thinking to

because of some unusual circumstances that I began

myself “but I am a boy,” but I asked my parents about

to turn my thinking around and started doing research

this later that evening. I did not really understand their

into what it means to be transgender. The first that hap-

explanation, other than I was actually not a boy, and

pened was that at the age of 41 it was discovered that

maybe it was time I faced up to that reality. I don’t

I had ovarian cancer. Well, that took care of the hys-

remember much after that until puberty hit at about

terectomy. One year after completing chemotherapy,

14. I remember feeling horrified that I was developing

I had genetic counseling because breast cancer runs

breasts, and my dyslexia was much more amplified

in my family, and my father died of pancreatic cancer.

when I began having my period. I remember feeling

I did test positive for abnormalities in the BRCA1 and

like these things were wrong and not supposed to

BRCA2 genes. With that info, and my family history, my

be happening to me. Because I grew up in the 70s,

health insurance paid for a complete bi-lateral mastec-

there really wasn’t much information available about

tomy. Amazingly, it was after I healed from that surgery

L/G/B/T, especially T! I had no idea why in my mind,

that I had my “aha” moment. I felt free! Those 2 things

heart, and soul I felt male, but when I looked in the

that felt like tumors growing on my chest were gone,

mirror I saw the opposite. I just thought that a terrible

and I no longer had any female reproductive parts. I

mistake had been made when I was born (I now call it

cannot honestly say that going through transition has

my birth defect), that there was no way to fix it, and that

been a magical cure to all of my mental health issues,

is when the depression set in.

but sure has helped.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

Because I knew I didn’t feel female, didn’t have certain

I think the outside me is a pretty true reflection of

body parts of a male, and was always very androgy-

the inside me. I believe myself to be a fairly complex

nous looking, I concluded (as many of us did in the 70s

person, with many layers, and I just can’t pigeon hole 127

I have a fairly simplistic definition of gender identity. For me, it is simply this: do I feel in my heart, mind, and soul like a boy, a girl, both at the same time, or somewhere in between

128

myself into one particular kind of personality. For exam-

and valued. Even if that definition changes over time.

ple, I am a paid lobbyist for a nonprofit agency. I love

Nobody know how it feels to be you but you.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

I’ve been pretty lucky compared to many transgen-

my job and take it very seriously. When I am working, I usually appear very conservatively dressed, often in a jacket and tie. I am very involved in politics, especially human and civil rights, and try to present myself in a professional manner when doing political activities. But

der people. I have a great group of friends, both new and old, and a supportive family. Even my

like most of us, I have other sides to my personality.

Strangely enough, the person who helped me start

employer at the time, when I began my transition,

When not doing politics, I tend to be very lazy. On the

to see my authentic self was the last woman I had a

was really great about it. Most people in my life

weekends, you can often find me in my oldest, torn up

relationship with. She noticed that I was doing a lot of

got right on board, and had little trouble using my

t-shirt and gym shorts. I am a vegan, love kitty cats,

research on line, and reading books and articles, about

preferred name and pronouns. Now, I’m just Alex.

nature, and butter flies (which I don’t tell may people

being transgender. At first, I denied my true motivation,

My struggles with identity aren’t so much what

because I have my tough rep to protect, lol). I like to

and just told her that I was interested in the subject

people will think, as I am very open about being

make eye contact when speaking with someone, so that

from a behavioral health perspective. After about a

transgender. I feel comfortable in my skin, and am

they know that hear them, and really care. My friends

year of her encouraging me and telling me that it was

happy with the person I have become. I have a

all know me as a compassionate person, and good

ok if I was thinking about it for myself, I finally came

few frustrations and concerns, that I’m sure many

listener. I think people know that because of the way I

clean and told her that I thought I was transgender.

transgender people share. Like, I wish I could pee

carry myself.

For the first 6 months or so, she was totally on board.

standing up. I wish I could father children of my

She helped me do research, we talked a lot, some-

own. I’m afraid of being arrested and thrown into

times late into the night. She helped me have the

a male prison. I wish I could find dating partners

courage to talk to my family, especially my Mom. My

more easily, as being trans is often a deal breaker

family was totally supportive, and actually not all that

for cis guys and gals. It’s hard enough to be in your

People may address me by my name, Alex. Or for

surprised. What a relief! I had learned of the Mazonni

50s and single these days, sheesh! I also worry

pronouns, always male. He, him, his, etc. To my Mom, I

Center through an FTM Facebook page, and heard

a lot about my trans girlfriends, who are in much

am son. To my sisters, I am brother. To my friends’ little

great things about the care they give there. So, I went

more danger of being assaulted and mistreated

girl, I am Uncle Alex.

for a consultation, and on May 12, 2010, I received my

than I am. I want to protect them, but don’t know

first testosterone injection. The woman I was with

how.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

What does gender identity mean to you?

decided to leave me after I had been on T for about 5 months. My voice had dropped considerably, I had just

I have a fairly simplistic definition of gender identity. For

sprouted a few chin hairs, and according to her, I was

me, it is simply this: do I feel in my heart, mind, and soul

acting more like a guy. I couldn’t, and didn’t, blame her

like a boy, a girl, both at the same time, or somewhere

for her decision. After all, she is a lesbian. As she said,

in between (which can also be interpreted as neither)? I

she doesn’t have any desire to be with a man romanti-

believe that every person’s definition of gender identity

cally. So, after 7 years, we broke up. It was sad, but

is what feels right to them, and should be respected

also the beginning of my new life. 129

oliver When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? Well, my birth gender is non-binary. I know that some people may feel differently, but I’ve heard from lots of other trans people who agree that terms such as “birth gender” tend to add to the stigma that we “choose” to be trans. Just because the doctors assigned me female at birth doesn’t mean they were correct. 130

That being said, one of my earliest memories is of me

after I realized my true gender, but it took way longer to

do, isn’t it? We are taught to look at someone, figure

probably around age five thinking to myself, “When I’m

realize that I needed to go on testosterone so that the

out what genitals they have, and relate to them through

older, I’m going to get a sex change.” I remember look-

rest of the world would see me for who I really was.

that. And if you stop and think about that for half a

ing back on that once I started exploring my gender more…hindsight is 20/20.

second, you’ll realize how incredibly invasive and creepy

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

The real catalyst was when I was 19 and scrolling

that is. And if that isn’t weird enough, society expects people to act in certain ways, according to what genitals they supposedly have. So, in many ways, the expecta-

through Tumblr when I found one of those info-graphic

For years, I didn’t realize that there was such a disparity

tions that society has when it comes to gender are just

things describing all the different genders. I looked

between what I saw when I looked in the mirror, and

constructs that mean nothing; I think that’s what trans

through it, hoping to get some knowledge so I could

what the general public saw when they looked at me. I

people mean when they say that gender isn’t real.

become a better ally, when the section on being

had thought about going on testosterone for years, but

However, gender is very real, at least in my opinion.

agender popped up. It was like a lightbulb went off in

never acted on it out of fear of losing my singing voice.

Aaron Ansuini, a trans youtuber, put it really well when

my head. I remember thinking that I couldn’t deal with

When it finally hit me, that people would really only see

he said that gender is like love; it’s a feeling, and it’s not

that right now, and pushed it to the back of my mind.

me as a woman unless I did hormone therapy, that was

tangible, so it can be difficult to really define. But just

Six months later, I was sitting in class while wearing

kind of the final straw, voice be damned. So far, things

because it is intangible doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

a shirt that said “Trans? Fine by me!” My teacher was

have been rocky, but I am in speech and voice therapy,

Gender is something that, in an ideal world, everybody

interested when he saw my shirt, and asked me if I

and am working as hard as I can to make sure I still have

should be allowed to explore for themselves. There are

knew any trans people. I answered “no” as a knee-jerk

something left to sing with. It’s scary, and it has been

as many genders as there are people; it’s a scale, and

reaction, but after the teacher moved on, everything

hard at times, but it feels like people are finally starting

some people are on one side or another, some are in

that I had pushed away came rushing back. Internally

to see what I always have when I’ve looked in the mirror.

the middle, and some are even outside the scale. I’m

I was like “Oh, wait. I think I do know someone who is

And that feels pretty great.

still figuring it out for myself, but accepting that a lot

trans. I should probably figure that out. Hm.” And it’s all history from there!

How did you deal with that mentally & physically?

of what we associate with gender is really just social

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

constructs was one of the first things that really helped

I use they/them pronouns! And I’ve gone by “Oliver” for

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

almost three years now. For a long time, I really didn’t deal with it well. When I first started coming out in college, it would be in

me to look inward and discover myself.

What does gender identity mean to you?

drunken one-on-ones with friends; we would be walk-

I was very lucky to have the support group that I did

ing home from the bars, or maybe we would be in a

So, it’s kind of wild to me that we are trained from birth

when I was first figuring myself out in college. My best

corner at a party, and before I knew it, it would just

to look at people and assess what genitals they have.

friend, Stephen, was pretty integral to keeping my con-

come pouring out. At that point, it was just the only way

It’s so rarely put that way to cisgender people. The

fidence up when I would get down about how people

I could open up about something so scary and per-

times when I’ve brought this up to the cisgender people

perceived me versus how I perceived myself. He was

sonal. I came out publicly a little over a year and a half

I know, I’ve gotten shocked faces; but that’s what we

able to validate me in a way that a lot of people weren’t 131

at that time, and even now that I have grown more confident in myself and my journey, he usually knows just what to say when I am in that really dark place.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Also, include anything you want within your story

Another close friend of mine, Ben, is the first person

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“she,” and after three years, it’s kind of sad that they still don’t see what it does to me. I also have difficulty not getting discouraged when I still

I think of when recounting good coming out experi-

I had to push really hard to get to be taken seriously

get perceived as a woman in public, even after fourteen

ences. I remember he was driving me home from our

by my family. They love me, and they always accepted

months of being on testosterone. I don’t think I realized

friends’ house one night, and I had wanted to come

me for what I was, but it took them a few years to re-

how long it would take for some changes to happen,

out to him so badly for months. After describing how

ally take my name and pronouns seriously. A lot of my

and it can get frustrating sometimes.

I was feeling, I remember saying “I know it’s hard to

family members still don’t really make an effort with my

understand,” and his immediate response was “…uh, no

pronouns in particular. I think my recent experiences

I get through it by focusing on my music, and by spend-

it’s not?” It might seem like such a small thing, but it

with getting harassed in bathrooms and also with the

ing time with the people who love me. I’m so grateful

was the first time I was confronted with the idea that

dangerous political climate have made my tolerance

to have music as an outlet; even as my voice changes,

my gender (which at that time very much defined who I

for the “it’s so hard!” excuse to steadily drop in the past

I can’t imagine a life without singing. My family, my

was as a person) was not a burden; I’ll never forget how

few months; it’s getting to the point where they could

roommates, and close friendships are what keep me

that made me feel.

put me in a dangerous situation by referring to me as

going when I lose sight of myself.

Gender is something that, in an ideal world, everybody should be allowed to explore for themselves

133

jackson When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I first realized it when I was around 10 or 11, it was 4th of July and I was buying fireworks with my grandparents. I wore my hair braided like Allen Iverson all the time because I wanted to be just like him.

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I definitely looked like a little boy in my basketball shorts with these braids. One of the guys working at the store called me a boy and I didn’t correct him. It sounded right when he said it. It felt right. My Mom Mom corrected him when I didn’t and I was a bit upset about it? At that age though I definitely didn’t understand why or anything. I didn’t even know what transgender was/meant. Plus, I had always heard everyone around me call me/tell me I was a tomboy so I went with it. I never really thought about it again until I met a transgender girl named Trish my freshman year of high school. We weren’t really close friends, but she was the first transgender person I had ever personally met. As the years went on, I continued to dress masculine but I just told everyone I was a butch lesbian, because that’s what everyone told me I was. And about three years ago one guy changed that for me. I found myself head over heels for him and I didn’t understand why. We ended up dating for a bit and I ended up realizing that while I did like him I wanted to be him more.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I pretty much avoided it for 2.5 years. I talked to two close friends about my struggle with identifying who I was, who I wanted to be. I definitely knew I didn’t identify as female anymore. Being called my birth name, she/her, and anything remotely feminine stressed me out and brought me to tears some days. Instead of accepting myself as trans, I finally decided “Okay, maybe I’m just gender-neutral” as I was still comfortable being feminine every once in a while, just not 24/7. I went by gender-neutral pronouns for a while and it eased some of the anxiety; however, my dead name still brought me 135

incredible amounts of stress. I finally caved when the

about how they helped you/who they are/

dysphoria just couldn’t be managed anymore.

For me, gender identity is how you feel, which can change at any moment. It’s fluid and ever changing; it’s beautiful and freeing.

I still get misgendered every once in a while, but since

There have been so many people who have helped

I’ve started my transition I’ve been happier than ever.

me get to where I am now. Avery, Julian, and Madison, the first people I ever really talked to about being

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance.

transgender. Two out of three are transgender and they were able to give me so much advice. My two “moms” in California, Bri and Lainey, who knew me before I

On the inside, I am extremely insecure about pretty

began my transition and have always been there for me.

much everything. I also have a pretty big heart. I’m

Angelica Ross, who is an incredible actor and founder

overly emotional and I’m a pretty big dreamer. On the

of the company TransTech Social Enterprises who gave

outside, I am overly social so as to not let my anxiety

me advice on dealing with invasive questioning and

win. Inside, I tend to be pretty quiet even though I want

macroaggressions. Laverne Cox, who gave me the

to do everything under the sun. Outside, I know I can’t

biggest hug when I met her, reaffirmed my identity and

afford to be quiet. Both inside and out, I just want to

feelings, and gave me plenty of advice. And the most

make a difference in the world.

important, the friends I’ve made at Penn State within my major (Noah and Katie) and in Penn State’s club Queer

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

& Trans People of Color. Not only are they all incredibly supportive when it comes to my identity, but also just in general. Everyone I’ve mentioned, and so many more

My full name is Jackson Alexander Williams. Most of my

people that I haven’t, have taught me what it means

friends call me Jack. I have a few that call me Jackson

to be who I am, accepted me for who I am, and have

and a few more that call me Jack Jack Jack. It honestly

helped me learn and grow. I wouldn’t be the person I

doesn’t matter much to me what people call me, as

am without them.

long as they check in with me first. My pronouns are he/his/him.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve overcome them.

What does gender identity mean to you? My entire journey has be an absolutely wild one. I’ve For me, gender identity is how you feel, which can

had so many identities in such a short time and I’ve

change at any moment. It’s fluid and ever changing; it’s

faced my own difficulties with each one. But with each

beautiful and freeing.

one I’ve gained so much support. It’s taken me a long time to see it, but I truly am loved. I am where I’m sup-

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me 136

posed to be and now that I’m finally living as myself, I am happier than I have ever been.

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dana When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? There were signs when I was younger that, when I look back, are ‘no-duh’ moments, such as I loved playing with dolls, or dressing as a femme elf at my 2nd grade Halloween (tights and all!).

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But, the clearest symbol was when I was a young teenager and started cross-dressing in private, and I used to pray to God to make me magically wake up as a girl. However, I also saw quite a lot of negative portrayals of trans or cross-dresses in the media and elsewhere, so I felt like feeling as I do was wrong, and needed to repress it. Those years before I acknowledged who I was were miserable.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? Mentally, I was miserable. It always felt like I was trapped and I grew to hate my body, to the point of developing mild body dysmorphia. Also, my depression and self-esteem was horrible, because I always felt I wasn’t good enough. I also didn’t care too much about where I was going in life and felt more like I was waiting to die, so a lot of experiences I could have done, I didn’t go for it because I didn’t feel it mattered.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. Today, my inner me has a sense of hope, excitement for life, and genuine love for their family and friends. Occasionally, I have my down days and feel I’m not doing enough. However, as time progresses, those days happen less and less. Outside, I have a body I’m proud to call my own: I make it up, work it out, and eat good food. I’ve actually been quite an exhibitionist since coming out. I have taken more photos this past year than I did during four years of college. 139

140

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

Whether we identify as female, male, non-binary, or something entirely new, the point is to shape our identity. It’s our choice to create the life we wish to live.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

My name is Dana, though some people call me D.J. too (it was the name I went by before I found my true

A lot of the struggles were dealing with things

name). I go by she/her pronouns.

such as voice, mannerisms, passing, and physical

What does gender identity mean to you?

intimacy issues. You learn certain coping mechanism: Putting on my make-up really helps with my

Okay, here’s a complicated one, yet simple: to each

dysphoria, composing some erotica or memoir

their own. For me, being a woman gives me a sense

piece on one of my pages, or simply playing music

of being free from a label I didn’t choose. Whether

to get the blues out. I also have amazing friends,

we identify as female, male, non-binary, or something

from a fantastic older brother and parents, to other

entirely new, the point is to shape our identity. It’s our

lovely members of the trans-community, like my

choice to create the life we wish to live.

one friend the Jen(n)s, and even my allies give me the strength to take off the chains of bullshit and

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

live my life how I want. Mostly, what I want to tell people, whether cis or trans: what life do you want to live? For me, I want

Three important factors: one of my hometown friends

a life where people love me for who I am, I pursue

(who is also trans himself), a wonderful therapist by the

the things that bring me joy in life and leave me

name of Karla Morse, and oddly enough, the leather/

feeling a sense of pride for who I am. For everyone,

BDSM scene. Both my hometown friend and I were

they have different ways of achieving that, but I’d

both in the closet and met each other at roller derby.

like to think I’m heading to the right direction.

We’d even hang out at their basement and dress as our true selves. They were also instrumental as I saw him become himself, to believe I could do that too. Karla Morse is a fantastic therapist, who, with her patience, compassion, and understanding, I was able to embrace who I was. The most interesting one has been the leather/BDSM scene. Since everyone is trying to be themselves and about infinite ways to express themselves, my identity was welcomed in open arms and felt safe to be me, plus, I look good in leather! 141

ollie When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? I think itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s something I always knew, but I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t necessarily have words for it. I remember being very young,

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I think it was 5 or so, and knowing I wasn’t a “girl” in the way that the other girls in kindergarten were. I didn’t know what the alternative was though, so I just went along with it. I think it probably wasn’t until middle school that I was even introduced to the possibility of trans and non-binary identities, but I didn’t openly identify as non-binary until sophomore year of college.

How did you deal with that mentally & physically? I spent a lot of time trying very hard to ignore myself and my body. I mean, no one told me that dysphoria isn’t normal. I just thought it was something that everyone dealt with in some way or another. And then there was the fact that our family has this mentality of “suck it up, don’t bother other people with your problems”. So... yeah there was a lot of repressing my feelings. I remember I’d used to practice “walking like a guy” or “sitting like a guy” or any number of small things that I thought would make people read me as more masculine, but it kind of messed me up for a while that people weren’t going to just automatically Know that I wasn’t a woman.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. I think of myself as fairly masculine. Which probably sounds kind of strange when I’m wearing a full face of makeup and my hobbies tend to be considered feminine. But, yeah... in my head I see myself as more masculine/androgynous.

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Most of us have a lot of insecurity and self-doubt or self-image issues, and being able to work through that together and support one another was really reaffirming for me.

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc.

used to have a lot of self-loathing. I grew up in a somewhat Christian/conservative area so coming to terms with being not straight was

I don’t have a lot of preference for what name people

hard enough because there was this weird

use for me, some people call me Olivia or Liv, some

atmosphere of moral guilt and shame regard-

people call me Oliver or Ollie. It’s pretty much all the

ing, you know, being gay and other “sinful acts”.

same to me. My pronouns are they/them.

So, when I had this realization that I also wasn’t cis, I kind of thought that somehow that was

What does gender identity mean to you?

where I would draw the line. I would tell myself, “Okay, you can like girls, but the chest binding

I make a lot of jokes about gender being fake, because

and the fantasizing about having a beard and

I think it partially is. I mean, the notion that certain

all this other weird stuff has to stop”. It definitely

colors or activities or styles of clothing belong to one

contributed to a lot of depression and self-

part of the population or another is entirely a cultural

image issues that I developed through middle

construct, and there have always been cultures that

school and high school. Eventually, I started

included multiple genders beyond the western male/

seeing someone for help with the depression

female dichotomy. But then I also think there’s this sort

in college and my therapist suggested this one

of gut instinct that we all have that relates to our self-

trans & non-binary support group to me. The

perception and how we fit ourselves best into those

group was really instrumental in helping me

social structures.

reach a point where I was okay with myself. I think... it’s one thing to have role models and

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/

people who are, you know, #Transition Goals, and then another thing to have people who are kind of going through the struggle with you? Most of us had a lot of insecurity and self-doubt

One of my first openly trans friends when I came to

or self-image issues, and being able to work

Philly helped me realize that I didn’t have to meet a

through that together and support one another

certain quota of “trans enough”. I used to think that I had

was really reaffirming for me. They kind of

to have, like, a certain level of masculinity to be non-

helped me get to this place where I’m cool with

binary. Or I had to look androgynous enough. Or I wasn’t

myself. There’s still an element of “I don’t love

trans until I started HRT. In hindsight, it was kind of silly

my body exactly as it is” but I’ve gotten to the

but I just couldn’t see it until she pointed it out.

point where I don’t hate myself for just existing and for now that’s enough for me.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. 145

robyn When did you realize, you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t relate to your birth gender? It was around 4 or 5 I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t really for into my gender and being that I lived mainly with my nieces and auntâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s I never truly had male leadership in my life. By the age of 13-14 I began crossdressing and displaying female tendencies. By age 16-18 I began seeking hormonal treatment.

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How did you deal with that mentally & physically? At first I didn’t know what to make of it. But by age 13 or 14 I knew I was different. I was coming to terms with who I was even if I didn’t know it was transgender. Physically I don’t think it felt bad at all in fact it was me coming to terms with what I should have had from birth.

Give me glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. So outwardly, I literally can’t believe I achieved what took me years to accept inside. Sort of like Michelangelo’s David but not on the same level. I get up each morning and before going to my appointments I get to put on clothes that are me, even if the size may be off here or there. I go out and on s good day I get properly gendered by society or they like an article I’m wearing then that’s amazing they help to see the beautiful woman I see when looking in the mirror. But inside I fight dysphoria so badly that often I think what the craps the point. I will never ever real woman. Hormones or not surgery or not doesn’t matter I will never have what a real woman has. And so, that is one of the biggest struggles that I face daily. It’s like a never-ending battle. For every nice compliment, every proper gendering every proper look from a guy my inner struggle comes out. Maybe it will forever be this way. But I have the comfort in knowing I am who I am and I’m not hiding her any longer.

147

It’s the essential identity that I show to the world that I am me regardless of what society ever thought or said I was supposed to be.

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self? Tell me about how they helped you/who they are/ I sought out help from different sources online growing up because I felt safe on these sites that were transgender related. It was through their that I had befriended many lovely and inspiring people who taught me to be myself. I was encouraged to also seek counsel but that only helped me to come to grips with what it meant to be transgender not necessarily how. I had my inspiring trans sisters on Facebook who helped with that. Anywhere from clothes to outfits to better ways of appearing in camera.

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them. Also, include anything you want within your story What’s interesting is how I have become more of a bolder Trans woman the more I dropped the lying and the hiding. It can be seen I my profile pictures on Facebook. I was a timid man but I feel powerful like I am free to do anything now as a trans woman. I don’t say woman because I am not a biological woman and I realize that but I am also ok

How would you prefer people to address you? pronouns, preferred name etc. I prefer female pronouns.

What does gender identity mean to you? It’s the essential identity that I show to the world that I am me regardless of what society ever thought or said I was supposed to be. It’s being you and feeling comfortable in an uncomfortable ever changing world. 148

with that. The more I embraced the woman in the mirror the more I became authentic to myself and those around me. One of those things is joining a women’s softball team whereas of this year they opened it up to transgender people and queer people. I also have spoken out on transgender rights in the hospital as I was discriminated several times. But with the help of a lawyer I was able to publicly defend my right to be transgender and not get ripped up by the very ones I am seeking treatment from.

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rein When did you realize, you didn’t relate to your birth gender? How did you deal with that mentally/physically? I’ve always been a tomboy. From elementary school on, any time I picked my own clothes they were always oversized and typically from the boys’ department. At some point during college I realized my attraction to women and identified as a lesbian until recently. The label never 150

quite felt right, but I couldn’t put my finger on why that was. Denial was easier than working through it. I did not have many resources and wasn’t comfortable discussing my dysphoria. As I entered adulthood, I began to present myself in a very androgynous way. This helped ease the dysphoria a bit, but only temporarily.

Give me a glimpse of the inside you verse your outward appearance. They are one in the same. Life is nothing without personal growth and change. I strive to be the best version of myself. Although society teaches us that personality traits have genders, or maybe more accurately that gender and behavior are linked, I do not believe this to be the case. I am me. Although I now identify and present myself outwardly as male, that did not require the creation of a new inner self. It was more like a costume change, mid scene. I am still the same character, just with a makeover.

How would you prefer people address you? Male pronouns. As far as the name is concerned, I’m indifferent. Luckily in my case, my birth name could go either way, as there is both a male and female spelling.

What does your gender identity mean to you? My gender identity is a small piece of who I am. Society really pushes labels. I think it took me so long to come out as trans because I liked living in the grey...until I didn’t. Eventually I felt like I had to choose, male or female. I knew that female was wrong. That was something I could say with 100% certainty. I lived in the “genderless” world for a bit, but again, western society (in my opinion) tends 151

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To love yourself enough to take the steps necessary to truly be happy is admirable.

About 16 months ago, I met my girlfriend, Jordan. I was in the process of a divorce. I’d say I was at rock bottom- but it was actually quite the opposite. My ex hated everything masculine about me. I was often insulted for my appearance. It felt terrible and was not something I could continue to endure for my own mental health. Removing myself from that situation was empowering. I had a clean slate. I was ready to truly focus on myself. They say you tend to find things when you stop looking. That was definitely true in this case. When Jordan and I first started talking, she asked me what pronouns I preferred. At the time, I was still denying that I was trans. From day one, she accepted me for all of the things about myself that even I didn’t accept. She helped me to see that I needed to put myself first- that my happiness mattered. I’ve grown so

toward ignorance for that which it does not understand.

much, thanks in large part to her helping me to see that I

Identifying as male is much more authentic for me, and

am worth it.

it seems to have really helped others to accept/understand me, but it would certainly not make the list of top 10 descriptors that I would choose for myself if someone

Talk to me about your struggles with identity and how you’ve grown to overcome them.

asked me to tell them using single words, who I am as a human being.

I began to really struggle with my physical appearance as I entered my 30’s. My biggest insecurity was my chest. I

Was there someone in your life that helped you start to see your authentic/true self?

made the decision to have top surgery about a year ago. I had my surgery in March of 2017. At the time, I had no plan to start hormones, but I also was not opposed to it. I just

I’ve had a few personal friends that have transitioned. I was

didn’t think it was necessarily for me. About a month after

always intrigued by their stories and had a real respect for

surgery, the dysphoria returned with a vengeance. At this

the community. To love yourself enough to take the steps

point, I realized that HRT was necessary for me to truly feel

necessary to truly be happy is admirable. To be honest,

whole. I started hormones in May. So far, things are going

the trans community was my biggest resource. Following

well. There are still small struggles but they are shrinking

other trans individuals on Instagram was probably THE

day by day. Just like anything else, I’m taking it one day at

single most helpful thing for me. It opened my eyes to the

a time.

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LOOK LIKE YOURSELF A VISUAL STORY OF GENDER

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