Emotional Bank Account Summary IA

SUMMARY:

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Managing ‘Emotional Bank Accounts’

FROM THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, STEPHEN COVEY

by Is Andrews

The ‘Emotional Bank Account’ is a metaphor which helps us understand how relationships work, and how we can improve them. It is generally true, but it specifically applies to marriage and family life.

The idea is quite simple – think of anyone with whom you have a relationship: your co-workers, family, friends, children or spouse. Stephen Covey says that we maintain a personal ‘emotional’ bank account with them. This account begins with a neutral balance, and just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals.

Deposits are actions and words which develop trust within our relationship: keeping promises, being supportive, going the ‘extra mile’, and demonstrating our love, reliability and commitment to one another. When we make emotional deposits into someone’s bank account, their fondness, respect and confidence in us grows, and as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and we’ll enjoy open communication with that person. When our relationship has a healthy looking emotional bank balance, there is strength, trust and confidence in our marriage, friendship, or parent-child relationship.

On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and disharmony develops. To restore the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits. We make withdrawals from our accounts with others when we are jealous, angry, disappointed or disloyal, when we let them down or hurt them in some way.

Covey shares six key ways in which we make deposits in the emotional bank accounts of others, and how we can avoid making withdrawals. We’ll consider them in the context of marriage.

1. Understanding the Individual There are particular ways in which we can make emotional bank account deposits which have a high impact (actions, behaviours and activities which are especially appreciated by our partner), and these will be a different blend for everyone. Considering your partner in this way is similar to the ideas in Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Making effective emotional deposits means placing significance on the things that are important to your partner; taking time to listen and learn is a big deposit in their emotional bank account. Activity or behaviour that’s based on your own preferences (like working on a project together, going for an ice cream, sitting down to have a chat) without considering your husband or wife’s priorities might be counterproductive – what you consider to be an emotional deposit might look to them like a withdrawal. In the same way, it’s worth reflecting on your partner’s intentions when they are drawing on your reserves. Don’t take offence where none was meant.

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S U M M A R Y : Managing ‘Emotional Bank Accounts’ FROM THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, STEPHEN COVEY

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Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always easy. We must stop looking at ourselves, and put ourselves in our partner’s shoes – empathise with them. Practically, this may mean properly listening to them instead of just waiting until they stop speaking to throw in your advice, reply or response. What seems trivial to you might be crucial to them.

2. Keeping Commitments A fundamental element of the emotional bank account principle is trust, and so keeping promises and sticking to agreements is vital. It is better to under-promise and over-deliver than to make a big commitment, and then let the other person down. If you find that you won’t be able to follow through on something you have agreed, practicing damage control by warning your partner in advance is better than letting them find out the hard way. It is a huge deposit to make and keep your promise. Similarly, when we break our promises to our partner, we make major withdrawals from their emotional bank account. Cultivating a habit of commitment-keeping builds trust between you and your spouse, both in explicit promises and in things like arriving home on time, and fulfilling our responsibilities.

3. Clarifying Expectations There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. It is very easy for someone to think they have communicated a message very clearly indeed. They assume that the listener has heard their words and ‘filled in the gaps’, and that they have exactly the same picture in their mind as the speaker. However, each of us sees life very differently, often with different backgrounds and life experiences. Expecting someone to ‘just know’ is not only unfair but completely unrealistic – and yet it is very easy to do! In marriage we may have all sorts of implicit ideas about roles and expectation of ourselves and each other – things we assume without talking about, or perhaps even thinking about very carefully.

Clarifying our expectations within our marriage will take time, and perhaps courage. But sorting through conflicting, ambiguous or previously unexplored ideas together will mean that you can relate to each other confidently.

4. Attending to the Little Things (Remember that Little Things are Big Things!)

Little courtesies, kind words, smiles and small acts of thoughtfulness are at the heart of a warm relationship. They show recognition and an awareness of your partner. The little things really become the big things. When you have lived together for a while, it’s easy to forget that people are tender and vulnerable at heart, especially with their husband or wife. Noticing small details really matters. They build dignity and respect; they can be powerful moments of care and attentiveness that are remembered for a long time afterwards. All the little positive things make big deposits in an emotional bank account.

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S U M M A R Y : Managing ‘Emotional Bank Accounts’ FROM THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE, STEPHEN COVEY

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5. Apologising Sincerely When We Make a Withdrawal Accidents happen. We make mistakes – that’s part of life and learning. Sometimes we will get things wrong – either by responding badly, breaking a promise, or being hurtful through carelessness or selfishness. When this happens we have to learn to apologise, without making any excuses. This can be really hard at first, but it gets easier with practice!

If your apology is heartfelt and comes from a real desire to change, it will make a difference to your partner, even if it doesn’t immediately restore all the damaged trust. When you are wrong, admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that you’ve caused in others from festering, and allows them to heal. Remember though that you can’t talk yourself out of a problem you’ve ‘behaved yourself into’ – repeated apologies can look insincere, and your behaviour has to match up with your words!

6. Showing Personal Integrity Integrity means wholeness, completeness, or moral character. All of the previous positive things we’ve looked at will have no impact if you have no credibility – you must demonstrate integrity in the way you conduct your personal relationships. You’ll show this by treating everybody with the same set of principles; by being honest, trustworthy and faithful. It will become evident that your emotional security doesn’t depend on the good opinion of others, and you can be relied upon. Integrity is foundational for your own wholeness and wellbeing, and for how you interact with those around you, and it will translate into consistent, positive deposits into every emotional bank account you keep.

Emotional Bank Accounts in Marriage The six principles of emotional bank accounts can give us a useful insight into the natural ‘give and take’ of human relationships. They can help us to find more effective ways to demonstrate care to those we love, and to avoid unconsciously hurting them. However, marriage is a particular covenant which is undergirded with promises of commitment, faithfulness and sacrificial love. We can overlook offence, choose to forgive, allow for learning curves and show grace. When something isn’t working we can openly help to explain and examine the issues, because we are both pursuing harmony and confluence. There is no fear in love. Our approaches and responses to our spouse aren’t motivated by anxiety over ‘getting it wrong’, rather we are committed to cultivating a partnership which develops and strengthens both of us.

by Is Andrews

The Emotional Bank Account concept is taken from the acclaimed productivity and behavioural management book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, and can be found in full between pages 188-203.

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