SUMMARY:
The 5 Love Languages
isandrews.com
GARY CHAPMAN
by Is Andrews
The basic concept of the five love languages as defined by Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages” is that people communicate and feel love in different ways. Dr Chapman has observed five different categories in which people communicate or understand love. Humans all need each of these different things, but typically there is one that really speaks to an individual heart. All are valid ways of showing love, and they are all important components in a healthy relationship. However, some hit home with us more than others. In order to effectively communicate love, we need to be familiar with each of them – the idea is that we can learn to speak these different languages and interpret them properly. Once we know what our primary language is, we know what helps us to feel loved most easily. We can also understand how others try to show us love using their own love languages. Some of these ‘languages’ may not come to us naturally, but we need to learn to love in all of these ways as a part of our own movement towards final maturity. Dr Chapman explains the difference between the euphoric, spontaneous feelings that come when we first fall ‘in love’, and the deliberate approach necessary to sustaining a loving marriage. Really loving our partner requires learning, effort, making conscious choices, and cultivating a deep desire to live in a way that benefits them. In a marriage if we know our partner’s love language we can show our love to them really effectively.
Here’s a quick summary of all five 1. Words of Affirmation - this person feels love when others verbally approve or affirm them If this is your love language, you know something about the power of words. Encouragement, praise and sincere compliments are powerful and important ways of expressing affection. Verbal appreciation (‘You’re so good at reading with the children’), kind words (‘I understand you’re tired, I care about how you feel’) and tone of voice are all significant elements. Mockery, put-downs or verbal abuse can feel like a slap in the face, and not easily overcome.
2. Quality Time - this person feels love when others spend time with them Time matters a lot to the speakers of this language – making being there really count. Focus, attention and your complete presence are your way of saying ‘I love you’. Turning off phones, tearing your eyes away from the screen (TV or laptop!) and putting all those little tasks and distractions on hold are important elements of this kind of attention. Quality time means lots of little meaningful interactions, as well as prioritising opportunities to share deeply, create intimacy, and pay close attention to what each other is saying. Feeling like you have to vie for your partner’s time or focus, or being frequently put off and let down when dates get broken create disappointment and hurt.
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