The Fault Along Hearts

Suleeyah

"If we don't beg for money, our mother won't give us food", the little girl said when I asked why she was so bent on me giving her money.

Me: What's your name?

Little girl: Suliyah

Me: How old are you? **she struggles to count her fingers**

Me: 3 years?

**nods in agreement**

Me: 4? **nods again**

Me: **laughs** we will choose the two of them. Suliyah is a very outspoken kid among her siblings. Always precise and smart about what she wants. Avoids gifts from strangers a lot. She would rather respond with "No no no, thank you" or probably nod in rejection.

Me: Where's your brother Yisa? **she points towards his direction** Ooya take this **hands her 5,000 naira**. She ran with joy to give her mother, who saw me from afar and sends a gratitude nod my way. I also gave her the biscuit I got from my grocery shopping.

Me: Suliyah, I am going oooo. Bye bye **she waves to bid goodbye to me**

The next day, I came to see my new found friend. Got to the usual spot, she's nowhere to be found. I assumed she had gone far to beg money from strangers or probably ill.

Me: **gives money to her mum*** take, use it to feed the children and my friend.

As I was heading back to my house, I heard a voice shouting "uncle" repeatedly from a far. Turned back to see it was my friend, Suliyah, running with her brother, Yisa. The glow on my face made the welcome hug amazing. She and her brother held my hands.

Suliyah: Uncle give us money.

Me: I have given your mummy.

**Seemed not to be pleased by my initial response, i had to hand over 100 naira to them. The joy on their faces sent a deep thought to me. How long will they be conditioned in this manner? What else can I do for them? I don't have enough resources to help them. Regardless of my inability to help them off the street, it didn't stop me from showing up daily to help that little girl and her family.**

Suliyah is a representation of our daily lives. Every time I came towards Suliyah's path, asides the friendship offered, she was always asking me for money even if the one previously given was more than enough to sustain her family. I remember sitting alone, thinking about her response to me, simulating how her life would be. There's always a street saying that "if you don't have means to take people off a backward means of survival, don't tell them to stop." We are bound on the same plane but with different circumstances. Our actions cause a change in time, move us a piece ahead on the ever changing life chess board.

What is your name again?

Chapter 2: The Boy Who Never Came Home

Hi, good morning xxx. I saw your tweet on a friend's status, so I felt reaching out in the dm would be best. Hmmn, there are days like that when your eyes run out of tears, and you really need to cry out. Been there couple of times. Had my experience yesterday too, so I can relate. Sometimes being alone doesn't help the situation. Your feelings just echo itself back to you. If it's okay, you can talk to me or any trusted person whenever you feel down. Besides, it's also my profession to listen. You can send a WhatsApp message to xxxxxxxxxx, we can talk about what's going on, if that's okay with you.

Nevertheless, I hope the cloudy moments will soon be over. I hope the sun rises and shines for you. I hope you find rainbows everywhere you walk, reminding you of how amazing you are and how much strength you gave to walk through stormy days.

Do take care, Xxx

An unknown number calls my phone, Unknown caller: Hi, good evening.

Me: Good evening.

U.C: I saw your message and I thought it twice to reach out. Me: Hi...xxx, how are you doing?

U.C: I'm not fine, not fine at all. **Suddenly began crying** Me: Please talk to me, what's going on?

U.C: I am tired, I am tired of this life **sobs heavily**. Currently, I am walking on 3rd mainland bridge, I am about to end it all here.

Me: Please I need you to listen to me. I won't say i know how it feels to be in your shoes but I understand.

U.C: What do you understand? Tell me what exactly you understand? That I am worthless, useless, foolish, make stupid decisions, rejected, hated? Please tell me what you understand?

Me: I have been in this position before, it's a memory I would never forget. There was no one to help me, no one to talk me

through the draining feeling. Absolutely no one. Feels like God shut the heavens on me, left me exposed to my demons and their consistent attacks. So, I understand you.

**While we were having this conversation, I sent out a notice on all the social media platforms I know to get people to reach the particular bridge to stop him from jumping.**

U.C: It's just frustrating.

Me: You know what?

U.C: What?

Me: What part of the bridge are you facing? Left or the right side?

U.C: How does this help me?

Me: I really want to show you I have been here myself. If you are facing the left, you will notice how calm the sea appears, compared to the right side. Everything changes right under this bridge. So also, our lives are. There's a calm and rough side to our lives, how firm you hold on to the bridge will eventually tell which side of the tide you are choosing to stay.

U.C: I am on the left.

Me: What else can you see?

U.C: A huge advert board.

Me: What does it say?

U.C: Life begins the day you stop fixing a full stop to your life.

Me: Does this make any sense to you?

U.C: Maybe or maybe not. See, I am not interested in this riddle. I just want to end it all here.

Me: One more thing, if you jump on the calm side, you will just go deep down the sea. And if you jump on the rough side, you will keep floating.

U.C: How did you know this?

Me: I told you I have been here myself, right?

U.C: Yes

Me: I attempted the calm side of the bridge, apparently, I still have one more mission left in life to fulfill.

U.C: My airtime is about to finish

Me: Drop the call, let me call you back.

**Call ends, attempting to call his number back**

Network Automated Response: The line you've called is unavailable, please try again.

**I began calling his phone line continuously for 20 times, same network response, unreachable. So, I began worrying.**

Me: Where's my small phone? let me use another number. **Mistakenly pressed the radio button, "A young man just shot himself off 3rd mainland bridge". Instantly, I felt a cold chill around me. I knew it was him. A tweet from a friend of his confirmed it.**

Chapter 3: The Fault Across My Heart

There’s a time in our lives

To return, sacrifice Wild grass has grown high On the path between our lives There’s a light in the trees It’s closer now, I’m on my knees Oh Father, forgive me, please I came a long, long way back home To see you one more time ‘Cause I came a long, long way back home To see you and say Goodbye

When it comes to relationships, I’ve never had a good thing running, never really enjoyed a lasting run of good solid months or year(s). I think maybe it's God way of punishing me or Him telling me to build other aspects of my life first. Love, a beautiful thing, a piercing knife, a fortress, a fire, a venom, a wonderful dreamland, a rain shower, a dangerous flood, a blissful wind of comfort, a tornado of insanity, a creator of life, a worm of self destruction, a place to call home, a sand castle at the beach shore. All this i had, hoping this new relationship I’m in, would definitely be the last one, because I am tired of jumping from one ship to the other. If I'm not being careful, I would be left to drown in the sea. So, I met this lady in one of those weird ways (to me it is), got her contact through a friend. Though we never synced at first. We chatted on BBM (Blackberry Messenger). It was an off and on thing. I really hated her response time to my messages and the cold attitude she gave off in our chats. This continued for months. I stopped talking to her for a while because i ran out of patience. I couldn't bare the attitude. All this happened towards the end of year 2016. 2017 came, i never knew something awesome was coming my way that year. I had worries about not being able to have a date for February 14. I am this romantic type of person. I wouldn't want to miss that kind of "love savored" month. Sometime in January, we got talking again, still with the same

attitude she gave off in chat messages. "Sometimes, the thing/someone that puts you off might end up being loved by you"

**...lmao motivational speaker isonu**. Well, that's exactly what she became to me. Then came February, i remembered calling her to meet up. She never considered my request. Then on the 11th of February, i called her again on the same request, she accepted for me to come over to her place, which i was to travel the next day. The next day, with me being excited, called her that i was on my way. She told me not to come again, instead she would come over. Wow, i just couldn't imagine what was going through my mind. I felt she gave it a hard thought to take the risk of coming to see me. On the 13th, she came like a surprise, you could definitely see joy written all over me. I was too elated by her presence, maybe because i never had a lady visitor coming all that way to see me.

We talked for hours. I could feel the connection between us, you know two people meeting for the first time and instantly bonding like we had common past experiences. We got intimate that day, which i could never forget it. Luckily, my request for the year 2017 got answered. I finally had a date for valentine's day. She came back on the 14th to spend the weekend with me. It was lovely for me because that was my first experience of having a lady sleep over. We became like an old pair of jeans. I never proposed to her, not that i forgot. I felt it wasn't necessary, because we started the relationship from the day we saw. She often spends days with me, like there's no week i wouldn't see her. We bonded so great and i felt this was definitely the "last ship" for me. I was so sure about getting married to her no matter the obstacle. March and April came, during these months, we had our arguments. She wasn't the type ready to listen to the truth about things, and I wasn't the type to hide the truth from her. She always wanted to live her fantasy fun land, have things enjoyable as it should come. My intentions were if i want to make this lady my wife, i had to make her see reality of things, and see a world where both of us would build together our dream. I think my perfection started sending negative vibes to her and she wasn't ready to leave her current reality of life. Then the worst nightmare came for me, she left me. I was

devastated, left heartbroken, left alone in the rain, the pain i felt was disturbing. I didn't accept the rejection because i wanted to "work it out" with her, whatever the reason for deciding to leave, i wanted to convince her to stay.

Months of pleading and not communicating went by, she was stuck on her decision to leave and I still didn't give up. December came, I felt this would be the perfect time to see her, though I had travelled home to see my parents. I lied to them I had a program to attend and I have to travel to another state. The intentions were to come see the love of my life leaving me, to work everything out by traveling miles to see her. I initially called her that I was coming, she said she wasn't going to come see at the place I was going to stay. I told her not to worry that I would come over to her place. She insisted I should not, I pleaded and pleaded, she stuck to her answer. I took the bold move of going ahead with my traveling. On my way, half way to the state I was going, I had an accident. The back tyre of our car removed causing the car to tumble four (4) times until it stopped in a shallow road side ditch. Luckily, none of us in the car injured, nobody died. At that moment, I had some serious thoughts running through my mind, "What if I had died? what would I tell God I died for? All because I wanted to see the love of my life, was death going to stop me?" and lots of other thoughts.

I still continued my journey, finally got to my destination. I called her about my arrival and the incident on the way, to my surprise, it didn't move her to come over to check if I was badly wounded or hospital bound. "She never came", these words kept echoing in my head till I travelled back home. I felt disappointed, cried deeply within me, asking questions like "Was love really worth me dying for? Did I make a mistake of traveling cause all i wanted was to work it out? The sacrifices we make for our loved ones, are they really worth it especially when we experience danger trying to get over to where they are? Where did I go wrong? Who did I offend? Am I really meant to love? Having struggled to get love, is this how I am going to end up? Is love really worth the struggle especially when not being appreciated?"

"DID I MAKE A MISTAKE?".

I came a long, long way back home

To see you one more time ‘Cause I came a long, long way back home

To see you and say Goodbye.

**sobs heavily**

Right now, I have accepted fate and really moved on but the damages from my experiences are scattered around me, making it impossible to really involve myself in any new "ship". Nevertheless, I am still not giving up on love. "Just because an experience was bad doesn't mean you should give up on what you want for yourself, I mean true happiness, a place to call home".

Chapter 4: Dear Kings & Queens in-love

So, this is it. I understand the need for one to perfectly stay calm in finding a partner, i mean selecting someone without being pressured to. A kind of relationship that comes naturally. But what i really don't understand is making someone ready to wait. I believe we have different paths in life. I also understand whoever the recipients are, may also be trying to heal from whatever itch and ache in their heart caused by their previous relationship(s).

I also believe in the supernatural, i believe that some set of people aren't just present in your life for no reason. You meet a particular set of people or someone whose purpose isn't to cause you ache. But they just come at an unexpected time. I believe someone who loves your soul doesn't come at a time you expect, maybe. It may be during your healing phase. Someone sent to heal you, someone sent to stitch every cut on your heart. Even they themselves might be healing or recovering from a past experience. Know that you and whoever just happen to be there for each other at the right time.

I believe that there's no right person out there, but if you find someone who is deeply interested in your soul, interested in your way of life, someone whose quarrel or disagreement with you just happen to be something natural, i mean fighting over protecting each other from harm. Someone who is interested in how the future looks with you and even if they don't get to feature in it. Someone who supports your dreams and goals.

Someone who finds joy in seeing you become a better person every day. Someone who says sorry first whether they are at fault or not. Someone who isn't afraid of being vulnerable around you. Someone whose ultimate defence wall of Jericho are inexistent because they trust you are a perfect fit for their heart. Someone whose presence feel likes home, a place of comfort, a place to let loose. Someone who puts you in their prayers, makes sure God answers you by force by fire. Someone who prays with you when the storms are much and when the storms are over.

Someone who loves you shamelessly loud, they find joy in the fact your existence is meant to be. Someone who appreciates your flaws, understands when you say stuff that aren't so proper to say, feels an apology is needed but also understands how direct your mind is when you say such mean things. Someone who let's you be yourself. Someone who tries not to mould you into who they want, but realises the reason why they love you is because you are you. Someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes, someone who doesn't judge.

You deserve someone whose insecurity is about not letting another being have the kind of asset they have else they will live a miserable life. Someone whose selfishness is about you. Someone who isn't tired of caring and even in their off days, never lashes out on you. You deserve to be with someone who fights for you and doesn't think about giving up on you. You deserve someone who sees the greatest within you, some who unconditionally believes in you.

You deserve someone who looks at you and actually sees you. You deserve someone who shows up. You deserve someone who chooses you everyday, every time. Someone who makes your heart dance, sets your soul free. You deserve more than empty promises, false hope.

You too deserve to be this kind of person prescribed above for someone who loves you regardless of whatever weapons you throw at them, because they would rather bleed for a good cause than live in shame.

Chapter 5: With Love From The 80s

Dear Mother,

I know how much of a stress staying with you has been. The burden of trouble i have caused you since dad died. How much effort you put into raising my siblings and i. I have not been a good child to you. I have severally caused you ache, and brought tears to you at odd hours. Well, i hope all that will stop as i plan to go away, to travel to Lagos. To find a better meaning to life. I don't want you to be worried about me. I will survive, and i am also sure the lessons you taught me, will go a long way to help me survive this new place. I don't want you to cry or get sick because of me. All i want are your daily prayers to help me break through each day of difficulty.

With Love, Teju.

Mrs Adeteju is an amazing woman, in her late 60s, known by her community as a kind individual. Always helped the helpless and homeless. Very much respected by all the women surrounding her. She's their biblical Tabitha(Dorcas), a mother for all. She tells her journey to a group of children willing to carve a name like Mama Dorcas, as fondly called by everyone.

"

This should be one of the most difficult decisions i had to take, leaving Osogbo for Lagos”, she narrates. Took a final look at our family portrait as that may be the last time i set my eyes on them, with tears. Packed one shirt, one blouse, my favorite wrapper to sleep, and other important necessity. My mindset was that once i get to Lagos, all my worries will come to an end. I began my journey to Lagos park. The amount they collected set me off as i had barely nothing left on me to manage. I was so determined that when i get to Lagos, i would have nothing to worry about. Afterall, Lagos is the city of opportunities. After a 1 hour, 30 minutes drive, we finally got to Lagos. I was welcomed by the famous 3 Elders

statue at the border of the state. The misery began. The vehicle dropped us at Oshodi, heavy rain from nowhere started. Who do i know? Where will i go to from here? These are the questions going back and forth my mind.

**Mama, mama, we brought one teenager girl to the house. One of the women staying with her came to tell her. She responded by telling to make her comfortable and once i am done, i will come see her.

**

She continues, "I had to sleep under the bridge that evening, with hopes that once the rain clears i will find a store to tag along with. At least, that's the first type to survival. Later that night, i had some funny looking men lurking around where i was sleeping. Deep down my mind, i started praying really hard. Well, let's say God answered. I slept with one eye opened till the morning came. I picked up my bag, looking all drenched and cold, started talking to store owners if they needed a worker. Some gave me a disdain look, only few had mercy on me to tell that there's no employment. Luck shined on me, one woman selling clothes decided to take me in as one of her girls. Let's call her Big mummy. Big mummy had one of the biggest shops in oshodi, selling clothes of different kinds. She is known to train young girls. This is her own way of giving back to the community.

Big Mummy: What is your name?

Me: Adeteju ma

Big Mummy: You can see my shop; we don't encourage bad habits here. If you really do well, you will be rewarded.

Adeteju: Yes ma

Big Mummy: Bose, Bose **she calls the name repeatedly. Bose is the oldest staff in the shop**

Bose: Ma, sorry ma, i was taking stock of what we have and what we don't have.

Big mummy: See this lady, she will be working with us from today. So please put her through. I don't want you to be mean to her.

Bose: Yes ma.

Big Mummy: You can go. Teju, where are you from?

Adeteju: Osogbo ma.

Big Mummy: How old are you?

Adeteju: 17 years old ma.

Big Mummy: What about your parents?

Adeteju: My dad is late and my mum is alive. Big Mummy: Sorry to hear. So, I have told Bose to teach you what and what to know. If you don't understand something, ask questions. Don't let me regret why I accepted you.

Big Mummy has a place that accommodates her workers. So, i stayed there till I was able to make enough money to buy form for WAEC because of my plans to go to a business school. My time with Big Mummy was an eye-opening experience. She is a nice woman and a disciplinarian too. There was one incident that happen one time. So, at the end of each business day, we balance what we made and also make sure the physical cash is the same as what is on paper. Apparently, somebody stole from that money and it wasn't the person in charge of balancing the account that day. We were all punished for it. Big Mummy reminded us of how she took all of us in, and we are repaying her with evil. It took a lot of begging to let us continue our work with her. That particular month, our salaries were deducted because of the theft. We all paid dearly for the offence. I wrote my WAEC that period which i passed gracefully. I showed it to Big Mummy, she was full of joy and as well proud that those training under her are making good use of their time with her. After some time, an opportunity for a secretarial training came, i didn't think twice before applying. I told Big mummy and she gave me her blessings. I was shuffling between that school and her shop. After long periods of classes and exams, i passed and became a certified secretary.

In course of my study, i met someone, whose name we will call Sola. She told me about an offer to do internship at a federal government body. We both applied and got picked to start. We met another person who later became a friend of ours, Toyin. Though spread across different departments, we never stopped staying in touch with each other. Some days, we go eating lunch together or we just hangout over the weekend, you know an all-girls trip. Work was smooth as we all had good bosses

who made sure we were growing, and also helped retain us in the organisation.

One night, i had a dream, my mother was telling me to come home. In that dream, i saw her crying and asking continuously why i abandoned her. I woke up, and said to myself i should pay a visit home. I told my boss, who also helped with transport fare. I travelled the next day to Osogbo. It has been over 15 years since i left home. Everything i knew about that town had changed. I eventually got home, saw plenty slippers, shoes at our entrance. I was wondering what celebration was going on. My little brother opened the door, with tears in his eyes.

Me: Laolu, what’s going on? Why are you crying? Laolu couldn't utter any word and i didn't know how to react as i don't know whether he was excited to see his long lost sister or not. i walked into the house, i saw all our extended relatives. Everyone was shocked to see me, most especially, my other siblings. Though, they stood up to hug me. "Adeteju is back", they uttered in tears. Olori Ebi, whose eyes were heavy in tears came to meet me and told me not to react. He took me to my mother's room, in her dying moments.

Olori Ebi: Tanwa, your child, Teju, is here. **My mother spoke faintly, trying to be conscious of who was in the room with her. She spoke faintly. Olori Ebi repeated that i was here.**

Olori ebi: Teju, is here **Tears began flowing from my mother's eyes. Then i walked slowly to her bed side to sit and with tears in my eyes.**

Mother: Teju, Teju, Teju...What did i do to deserve this? You left me alone.

Teju: Maami, don't be angry. I thought i was a burden to you. As i constantly caused you pain, so i felt the best thing to do was to go away. **She drew me closer to her. We hugged like it was going to be the last time we would see. So, i asked Olori Ebi**

Teju: Olori Ebi, what's going on? what happened to Maami? Olori Ebi: She has liver cancer. As at the time of diagnosis, they said she had less than 3 years to live. We are in the 3rd year and the doctors told us to go home and do our final biddings.

I began crying. Memories of our lives together started flooding my head. The thought of losing my mother was difficult and heart breaking. Having also left her for more than 15 years.

Teju: Maami, i am sorry. I am sorry i left you. I am sorry i walked away from everyone. Mother: It's alright. I have never stopped praying for you. I am also glad to God almighty that i saw you before i go to the great beyond. **she coughs**

Teju, i want you to take care of your siblings. I don't know what the next few hours or minutes would be, but i want to you be fine and be strong for your siblings.

Teju: I will maami, i promise you. I just need you to promise me that you will not leave us now. I want you to stay alive to see my children and that of my siblings. Mother: Teju, remember i love you. Call you siblings for me.

**Seems she knew she was passing away that instant**, Mother: Olori Ebi, help me watch over my family. **she takes her last breath**

**I walked back into the room with my siblings, just to see Olori Ebi crying heavily. I asked him what was wrong? Why is my mother looking so lifeless? She spoke with me just now.**

Olori Ebi: Your mother has passed away. I am sorry.

I fell to the ground, hanging on to my mother's hands, crying. One of my mother's words struck my mind at that instant, "Kindness is non negotiable, keep doing it because it is who you are. Your reward is not for today or tomorrow." So, children choose kindness always. **She stands up to attend to new girl brought to her house for care.**

Chapter 6: From Me To You.

If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you have to always be ready to face certain battles alone. Your inner demons, your worst fears, and your own suffering because at the end of the day no one will truly understand your demons, no one will understand the damage, no one will understand the storms you hold within, no one will understand but you.

If I have learned anything over the last few years, it’s that you can’t really predict what life will bring you because things can change overnight. One day you’re on cloud nine and the next day you’re hitting rock bottom. One day your phone lights up with the exact words you want to hear and the next day you're receiving the news you’ve been fearing. One day you're planning a future with someone and the next day you're packing your bags and leaving. One day it looks like you’re finally getting things right and the next day your life is turned upside down forcing you to start over.

And I know that on some days you just want life to slow down, you wish that you could stop battling and start living. You want to be fought for instead of being the fighter, you want to be held instead of holding everything together and you want to be understood instead of drowning in a sea of your own confusion.

But if you’re meant to face the hardest of battles alone, if you're meant to keep fighting with little to no help, then maybe it can only get better from there, you can only rebuild after destruction. You can only find peace after war. I guess what keeps me going is knowing that we all get what we deserve in the end, what we work so hard for and what our hearts truly desire. Because just as things can change for the worse overnight, they can also change for the better.

Just as things suddenly disappear, life can magically hand you more blessings. And maybe you’re not meant to win every battle or get all the answers right but as long as you still know how to stand tall every time life knocks you down, you will

prevail. Ironically, life becomes easier when you know that even if you lose all your battles, as long as you haven’t lost yourself, you’re still a winner.

THANK YOU FOR