5 minute read
how do “masculinities” trap men?
from IMTAC Issue No. 07
by imtacmag
HOW DO “MASCULINITIES” TRAP MEN? by Brian Henderson
Brian Henderson talks about a recent study by The Women’s Foundation, his own experience, and how traditional constructs of Masculinity are trapping men… and by extension, women.
It’s not the women we need to “fix”. The challenges are systemic and cultural, so we need men and women working together to make the changes we want to see. Many men are willing to step up as male allies. But what are some of the challenges we face in recruiting them and supporting / guiding them in this role?
Gender stereotypes and expectations for men and women are set from the earliest age and are perpetuated by both men and women. We teach our little boys not to cry, to be adventurous and to toughen up, and our little girls to be nice, and cute, and not take physical risks. My partner and I had agreed our first born, Emma, would not be a girly girl, so strictly no pink. Imagine our dismay when all the baby gifts were pink – she was a day old and the gendering had already started! Fortunately, Emma grew up to be her own woman, became an architect and now only wears black!
Having co-founded the Male Allies with The Women’s Foundation a few years ago, I was delighted when TWF published a research paper last year on male university student attitudes to gender roles, women’s status and changing relationships.
The good news was that these young, educated men identified as being aware of other people’s feelings, being helpful, being willing to express emotions and being understanding, as well as more traditionally male attributes like being independent.
However, 75% of them still agree with traditional male norms to some degree, and 22% are very traditional in their beliefs. All of them want their ideal girlfriend or partner to embody traditional feminine characteristics such as being conventionally beautiful, helpful and understanding. The vast majority of these young men believe women should do most of the housework and prioritise motherhood over career aspirations. They are uncomfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend or partner with higher education qualifications or career achievements than themselves. Many believe feminism manipulates the concept of gender
equality to confer special privileges to women, and they also believe in ‘rape myths’. Click here for the full report.
These young men also feel pressured to live up to society’s expectations of what it means to be an ‘ideal’ man. Most consider the model of a successful man to be wealthy, morally upstanding, with a flourishing career and a happy family. Being a responsible economic provider and a protector is even more important as it is regarded as the ‘natural’ duty of men, but they are aware that current economic conditions make fulfilling that role challenging. I have personally felt that pressure recently when I was struggling with burnout and knew I needed to step back for a while. But I was very anxious about the loss of income having just bought a flat and being several years short of my ideal retirement date from a savings perspective. I found it impossible to talk to my partner about this at the time.
This is an example of the effects of the ‘man box’. Paul Kivel and Tony Porter identified that the expectations that men should not show their emotions and should not behave in an effeminate way puts them into a very narrow range of socially acceptable behaviours. Acceptable behaviours include being self-sufficient, acting tough, looking physically attractive, sticking to rigid gender roles, being heterosexual, having sexual prowess, and using aggression to resolve conflicts.
These expectations are enforced, by men and women, by shaming and bullying to force conformity, which perpetuates the exploitation, domination and marginalization of women and people who are not cisgender. My shame was preventing me sharing my anxieties with my partner, and that just exacerbated my mental health challenges.
Tragically, these expectations and social dynamics contribute to the more than three times higher suicide rate among men, as well as other anti-social male behaviours such as aggression, violence (including domestic violence) and addiction, which are ways of acting out their pain and frustration. Men are disproportionately
responsible for criminal behaviour, which is often driven by the need to meet financial or social expectations.
To engage men trapped in these traditional beliefs and expectations, we have to acknowledge their situation and create a safe space for them to explore alternative masculinities. For example, ‘it takes
courage to be vulnerable’ or ‘being in touch with your emotions is a sign of humanity and makes you a better partner and parent’, ‘there is no shame in having a better paid partner: be proud of her’, or ‘being a good parent means being in touch with your and your children’s emotions’. Bell Hooks book ‘All about love’ makes a strong case that as a society, we need to re-learn how to love ourselves and those close to us. Love is a choice and an action that requires respect, commitment, recognition, trust, honesty, care and affection. It’s ultimately about nurturing spiritual growth in ourselves and our loved ones, and is a skill we have lost in striving for more material wealth and power. This resonates beautifully with our Male Allies mantra: ‘listen, learn and act’. You are only an ally when you take action and the people you are intending to support recognise your action as helpful. We tend not to ask our allies to think of their role as an act of love, but usually it’s enough to engage them with the other descriptions above. If we treat our allies the way we want them to treat us, we will open the door to more courageous, compassionate and connected conversations that will help us make the cultural and systemic change we want to see. |
Brian Henderson is a Male Ally and Founder of Whole Business Wellness Limited. He is a governor of The Women’s Foundation, an NGO promoting gender equality. Brian has established mental health support groups for those seeking to share health challenges in a safe space. He is also a champion of #thisisme, encouraging people to share their mental illness stories to normalize the conversation and reduce stigma.
