breastfeeding journey by luana thomas

breastfeeding

by Luana D’Elias Thomas

Day 1 | I watch her eyes open. On top of me with her red knitted hat in the labour ward. She is stunning. So delicate. Deep down I always knew it was a girl.

I want to breastfeed. But it seems I have no milk… Midwives come and go squeezing me, forcing my baby on. She screams when they prepare her for a feed. They put pressure on me but I insist I want to breastfeed.

The reality was, I didn’t know what my options were… they suggest cup feeding her formula. She needs feeding so I agree.

But I want to breastfeed so they give me their electric pump. It hurts like hell. I can’t tolerate the machine for more than 10mins at a time. I try but nothing comes out.

I get told to do a whole cycle… The 10 mins aren’t enough. I burst into tears because I don’t know what’s going on. Because I don’t know how it all works. Because all I want to do is feed my baby “naturally”. Because I had no idea anything could go wrong. Because it’s so painful.

Day 4 | I saw this tiny bit of colostrum in the pumping machine. I was SO proud. I carefully collected it, filling less than one syringe. Colostrum is a super concentrated version of breastmilk full of nutrients.

Day 5 | Baby is still doing ready-made formula, increasing the amount every day. We give her the colostrum but she needs more and I’m devastated.

I continue with the machine yet only tiny bits come out, from one syringe to two. Pumping is still painful, but I’m getting used to it.

We’re discharged from hospital but I am still

www.morethanacover.com bottle-feeding her but I am determined.

I buy an electric pump, and I can see an increase. I’m tolerating it more now. But my milk is well behind her bottle. Eventually I received a manual pump, it gives more speed control when it hurts.

For the next 6 weeks I go to the hospital’s feeding support weekly.

At first, whenever I placed her on breast she either screamed or fell asleep: I felt completely rejected. Why did she hate my breasts so much?

I’m told maybe my breasts are not mature, a condition that may mean I can’t breastfeed at all. My supply is low. So is my spirit. The consultant suggests Domperidone. Side effect of this anti-nausea medication is lactation. I also take fenugreek, cornflour porridge, dark chocolate, whatever is meant to help milk supply. Meanwhile, advice like “Force her on. It’s for her own good” did not work out. She screamed and I felt horrible.

The breastfeeding class tutor agreed it didn’t feel right to force her and suggested to put her on breast when she’s calm and not hungry. It worked! I’m able to squeeze a bit of milk into her mouth.

Pumping became everything. First for 5 minutes, then 10, then 20 minutes each side. I see an increase from 5ml, then jump for joy as I see 15ml for the first time. Then 30ml, 60ml collected throughout the day. Overjoyed when I caught up with the bottle. The pumping and the skin to skin kicks in. My milk has a good increase.

Three weeks, I feel I’m running out of time: it’s been a month already.

But at least the baby hasn’t been losing weight.

We can feed her my milk at least …

After speaking to a postnatal therapist, I do 2 sessions that change my entire perspective on breastfeeding.

I tell her it’s so difficult, but I want to feel the bond, for the baby’s sake too.

That lady makes me realise it’s ok that it matters so much to me!

She makes me appreciate that the baby’s rejection should not be taken personally, that breastfeeding is a journey, it can take time and hard work, bursting my unrealistic bubble.

I grew up watching it everywhere in Brazil. “It’s natural” “Everyone does it” (Not true in the U.K. - my feminist side was another reason for me wanting it so badly!)

I wonder about the lack of dialogue and the secrecy. Is it shame? Fear to scare others? Nothing could be worse than an unrealistic expectation, ten times harder to deal with emotionally.

But giving up is NEVER an option to me!

My milk supply has increased and finally the baby feeds for a straight five minutes, no pain. It’s everything I thought it would be. She looks up into my eyes and I know this is what I want. I still struggle between the pumping but I manage.

Five weeks in and baby feeds for 5 to 10 minutes and shows more interest in the breasts and I do this when she’s calm after a bit of formula.

I try to do laid back nursing, which requires to lie backwards to latch the baby and is tricky to do outdoors.

At six weeks, we are phasing off formula.

I think this is the toughest week. I learned cross cradle position. The laid back is not practical in public. I’m struggling to do it by myself at home and I am puzzled

at how hard it is. None of the videos I saw had the baby flapping hands around, getting in the way. None were screaming with hunger, head moving in weird different directions.

I burst into tears and for the first time think “I can’t do this. I can’t take the pain anymore.” Then another part thinks, “this is what you want, stop complaining.”

I seek help online too. Messages on Instagram help me emotionally during the early hours.

A day later, I put all the techniques together, and things start to turn around. I start to feel more good latches than bad. She no longer needs formula.

We are doing this!

Around the eighth week I notice the baby knows how to latch. I’m so proud of her!

When people comment, I end up educating them. I have gone from complete ignorance to learning on the job. I’m glad I didn’t give up even though it felt like all the odds were against me at times. I am so grateful for all the invaluable support that I found offline and online.

When my baby grows up and has kids of her own, I promise to tell her about my breastfeeding journey. I don’t want to hide the reality from her or any of you reading this, like I felt everyone hid it from me. |

Luana D’Elias Thomas is the founder of a platform www.getoffmyback.co.uk to help mums-to-be reduce anxieties and fears about birth. To work towards the positive birth experience that all women deserve. She loves all things pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood. For more conversations follow:

@getoffmyback.co.uk

Peace

by Moyan Liu

Moyan lives and studies in the Netherlands. She understands the tense situation between Russia and Ukraine recently and knows many civilians have been affected by the war. She asked her parents, “which countries have not yet become good friends in the world now?” When she was drawing, she intentionally put flags of countries “which are not yet good friends” in adjacent hearts, she also surrounded the green planet earth with many love bubbles and flying doves, while the earth opened its arms to welcome these love bubbles. In doing so, she wishes all countries may love one another and protect the lovely world with love and peace.

Love is a shield

by Tsang Chin Wing Khloe

Love is a shield, To hide behind, Love is a field

to grow inside, Stay together and turns it brighter!

Peace Dream

by Suzanne Vierkant

What is there is only peace and no war No one being mean All our problems will be solved It just seems like a dream But when we do it together The dream will come true.

Peace no war

by Reyn Hu

Artwork was inspired by the Chinese character “合” (unity). The artist used a folding design to express how he did not want the world to divide as a result of war. When seen as a whole, the drawing shows a complete world and a big family of peace.

Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

Healing

Drown in trauma, toxins in my veins Deep inside a voice whispers “live” Mother earth echo –Your presence is all that matters

Buried past, invisible pain Scars remain, imprinted memories Dream to relive, wake to regret Sealed lips, heart sores

Empathy sprinkled on the wounds tenderly No more suppression, no more hatred Pills to soothe, breathe to calm Instinct speaks; dig deep

Toxins released, trauma empowered Heal wounds and pains A breeze gently wiped my tears and gifted me a smile of gratitude

AVNEET KAUR

Photo by Keith Wong on Unsplash

The maze without exit

Welcomed by a culture of vibrance

led me to manipulative facades

Blinded by your mere praise

true colors unmasked after you wrung me

Yearned for love, yearned for help

only signaled signs for attention

Unrecognizable,soulless torso

seek to detach, to decease!

Fell from the maze without exit

rotting back, rotting mind Crow spreads words of hell;

dirty blood, swollen eyes

Ignorant fellow attempted to stomp on an ant like me

deemed worthless, yet precious through another lens

All the hurting, hollowness;

left me the work of healing

AVNEET KAUR Avneet Kaur is an Indian Hongkonger who majors in English and is passionate about mental health advocacy. Her interest and experiences in both areas inspired her to write poems about her depression. Owing to the stigma in the community, she strives to raise awareness and educate people by voicing out and starting conversations.