identity MODERN GENTLEMAN
A BROKEN MAN... A BROKEN PROMISE by Marwa Rakha Dear Marwa,
Dear Shocked,
I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 months. His personality was a bit difficult as he has a lot of problems in his life, especially with his parents. He is not on good terms with his dad, and they have a lot of family drama. As a consequence, it made him a negative person with a pessimistic perception of life. Despite that, he was very nice to me and kept telling me that I was the only ‘good’ thing in his life. I happily shared his problems and tried to lift the weight off his shoulders, and always tried to cheer him up and offer him all the emotional support he needed.
I just finished reading an amazing book by Dr. Mohamed Taha. The book is titled “Dangerous Relationships” and it certainly is. We, human beings, live in an intricate web of relationships that impact our emotional and mental well-being; your relationship with your mother starts in the womb and continues into adulthood, your relationship with your father, your relationship with your teachers from nursery until graduation, your relationship with peers –friends or passers-by – from early childhood into adulthood, your relationships with men, or women, or both, your relationship with your body, and your relationship with yourself – the many parts of the self.
His parents already had a brief idea about us, but when he told his dad, and based on their not so harmonious relation, he totally refused the idea of him taking an official step with me. We were so hopeless and since he is still relatively young, he would need his father to support him financially. Despite all that, he always assured me that we will never leave each other and that he will do whatever it takes to make “us” happen. And despite all the obstacles, I was willing to wait for as long as it takes him to convince his dad and solve all of his problems.
Any human being is defined by these relationships. You are defined by the messages you have received from birth until adulthood by people who formed your core. Your boyfriend is also defined by such relationships. Based on how each person defines himself/herself, consciously or subconsciously, that person chooses his/her partners, plays certain roles, and drives his/her relationships. Dr. Taha called it a “prophecy”; I will call it a spell! You cast a spell on your relationships.
But the day prior to my birthday, we had a ridiculous fight over something really silly. And though we had many fights before over some serious issues, this time he decided to end everything. He didn’t call me on my birthday, and I never heard anything from him since. You cannot imagine how depressed and heartbroken I am over his sudden change of heart and broken promises. After all what we’ve been through and all the struggles I was ready to face for him, everything ended and not even because of his father, it was a meaningless breakup. I’m still in a state of shock and cannot find any reasonable explanation for what he did; he didn’t even have the courage to face me with the reasons of our breakup. 36 IDENTITY • April 2021
In your case, you derive your value and self-worth from being needed. You feel secure in a relationship when the other party is too weak to think and act without you. You enjoy playing the role of the saviour; hence, you choose someone who views himself as a victim. This is a very unhealthy relationship. Healthy relationships are not built around victims, saviours and aggressors. These are all sick and twisted relationships. Your “victim”, wants to stay a victim forever, or until he gets professional help, and you cannot play the role of the “saviour” forever, because it is so exhausting and draining. It is also unhealthy because you invest so much into saving someone who might not want to be saved, and you expect total and utter loyalty and gratitude – the kind of gratitude you would expect from a dog you rescued off the streets.
