Short Story
Watch My World Wash Away By Ashlynn Stradling
T
hey always say that you’ll no longer feel pain when you pass on, but that’s simply not true. I felt everything ache, watching him with you, touching your hands. But I can’t blame you. I guess when you said you’ll love me forever, you only meant my forever, not yours. I thought it was heartbreaking to know I couldn’t come back, I now realize it’s even harder to find you have nothing to come back to. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. January 14, 1999 As I lay on my deathbed, my lover, my world, my everything is holding my hand telling me you’ll never forget about me and you’ll love me forever. I had peace to think you were telling the truth, but I could see in your eyes that the promise you had given me wouldn’t last forever. Your beautiful brunette hair was messy from sleeping on a hospital chair for so long, in a bun with little messy strands hanging out, and mascara running down your pale face. I could tell you haven’t showered because of your use of heavy perfume, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was you were with me, for my last few moments. I could feel your cold, shaky hand gripping mine, tighter as my eyes began to slowly give up.
“Please don’t leave me.” I could feel the air becoming thinner; the oxygen getting lower. There was no more pain, no more noise, it all happened so fast. I felt myself drift out of the sensation of having a body. I opened my eyes to see doctors surrounding me, turning off the machines I was hooked up to. Confusion took over me and I tried waving them down to tell them I was still here. The room started to spin faster and faster till the point I couldn’t see. A few moments later the walls stopped. I felt healthy, the healthiest I’ve ever been. I ran over to you and my stomach turned. I couldn’t hug you. I went right through you. The one thing I would ever want, to hug you, your warm hugs, always with the feeling of safety that comes along with them, gone. “STOP! PLEASE COME BACK, I NEED YOU.” I could hear you fighting with the doctors. Your crying hysterically and hyperventilating made my non existent heart drop, as I didn’t want you to feel any pain. “Love, I’m here I promise.” I told you, but you couldn’t hear me. I wanted to give you a sign, so I brushed my hand, now a cold breeze, across your beautiful face.
I promise you that I’m at peace now and not in pain. But that The breeze through the slightly simply is not true. As I watched the cracked open window sent me a doctors hand you the devastating quick chill down my spine. As you papers, they wheeled my lifeless ran one hand through my hair, body out, making me ache. trying to keep me awake by your affection. I wish I could tell you how You sat down on the chair you slept much I love you one more time and in with the imprint of your body, express all the words I wanted to say your face in your bag, and cried. to you, but I was simply too weak to You had always hid your emotions form the words I desperately wanted from me from the day I was diagnosed. to say. This was the most emotional response I’ve ever seen from you, “I love you.” and it was terrible. The tears almost Your voice cracked while kissing soaked the papers while you were my hands. signing them, the pen ink getting smudged throughout the pages. This “I love you too, my love.” I spoke with my eyes. You knew. I could tell sight was earth shattering. you knew.
D | APRIL 2022
“I can’t do this without you, I need you.” You mumble while signing.
unfroze, and you continued to wash the ring and stare at it.
If I was able to say my last words to you, my love, I would describe how you make me feel. It would be a whole book. To know I’m no longer here with you tears my heart apart like a piece of paper but the years I was with you were the happiest I’ve ever been. You were my euphoria. You were like a shot of espresso that made everyone cheer up. Everyday you would show up like you bathe in sunlight. Not a selfish bone in your body. I love you.
“I’m sorry,” you, my love, said with a trembling voice as a single tear dripped down your face. “I will always love you.” And you put our ring at the top of the shelf in the closet.
February 27, 2003 Ever since I’ve passed, I haven’t thought of heaven or hell. I had to stay in the middle to watch over you, to make sure you’re all right. It’s been four years and I haven’t seen you take off the ring I gave you. Maybe you did mean your promise. For the years I’ve been gone I have seen you evolve from the tragic heartbreak. You’ve got a cat, and seem happier, but at night I catch you crying in my pillow beside yours, sometimes while wearing one of my favorite jackets. Or at my clothes left in the closet, untouched. But during all this you’ve met someone, I hoped was just a friend. You’ve gone to my favorite coffee shop together, he’s gotten the drink I always ordered, and sat in my seat. In some way I feel replaced, but I can’t blame you, I was gone and I can’t control what you do. I see you smiling with him, which brings me joy, but you smiling more with him is what feels off. He seems like a good fit for you, you seem happy together, which is wonderful for my love. For the first time in so long I watched closely as you stared at yourself in the mirror and down to your hand, as I watched you reach for our marriage ring and slowly pull it off, my whole vision froze. Time stopped, the room spun around me as like my world was crumbling down, as if my love was moving on. The room stopped, time
March 3, 2007 As I saw my love walking down the aisle, with the same type of flowers we had on our wedding day, same dress, it felt as if I was reliving that day, but another man was in my spot. As I listened to you saying your vows you once said to me, realizing now I’m just a past memory. Now a different ring by a different man had replaced mine, but that’s ok, my love. As you smiled, maybe not at me, but after all this time you still smiled, so I smiled too. The bride and groom may kiss. “I promise to never leave her side, believe me” The husband whispered to my gravestone. As they both visited my grave, he bent down and promised to take care of her. I knew you were at peace, and now, so was I. That would have been the last time my grave was visited. They say that love lasts a lifetime. It does, but only one. Maybe our happy ending was never ours, just yours. Rumor is that finding true love is a once in a lifetime opportunity, well you’re a rule breaker, and I’m glad you were able to find it twice. Before, there had always been flowers on my grave handpicked by you, but now, the only things upon my grave are forgotten memories and moss. As the letters fade, so do I. As I watched my other half become whole again, it brought me peace. But when you passed, I wasn’t the one you wanted to find first in the afterlife. Now, as you sit with your new lover, I fade away into the night. The only person who had loved me moved on, and so shall I. Goodbye my love. ~#~
ESOTEROS
