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May 2018 / £4
PERSON MATTERS The Missing People Charity
Good News
REASONS WHY
Real Life
It’s OK to Take a MH Day Off Work
Self-Care
(Trust us, it'll pay off)
Giovanna Fletcher
Chase Your She's igniting the spark for the self-love movement
Happiness
INSIDE
Denise Welch A wise word with my 16-year-old self happiful.com | £4.00
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Learn to Take Your Emotional page 54 Temperature
Photo by Joshua Fuller
COME ON IN “Yo’re s loe s te flow in M.” – Han ow
Editor’s MESSAGE
Editor’s Favourites p18
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p42
Unapologetically You At the mere mention of Dollywood and Giovanna’s burning desire to visit, the soundtrack to our cover photoshoot was decided and the beautiful voice of the oneand-only Dolly Parton blasted out across the London studio. And funnily enough, Dolly and Gi actually have something in common – no, Gi isn’t planning on setting up shop in Tennessee (as far as we know). They are both strong advocates for embracing self-acceptance, with their stance on self-love rippling around the world. Gi’s recent Insta Stories show her reacting to online trolls who take issue with her putting playtime with her kids ahead of ensuring she has a full face of makeup on at 6am. Like any of us, cruel jibes and taunts hurt, but Gi’s not going to change her priorities for anyone. Spending quality time with her kids comes first, and whether she chooses to wear makeup or not doesn’t affect her fun-loving personality, or ability to take care of Buzz and Buddy.
She’s defiantly showing that we should never apologise for being who we are – something that resonates throughout our May issue. From Denise Welch penning a letter to her younger self in aid of her milestone 60th birthday, to CEO of the West London Mental Health Trust, Carolyn Regan, talking LGBT+ rights, to Aiden Hatfield and his In Music We Trust movement, there is a deafening call for us all to be – unapologetically – ourselves. In the words of Dolly: “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” We hope you feel inspired this month to do just that. Happy reading,
Rebecca Thair Acting Editor
Don’t forget to join us on social media, we love getting to know you! happiful.com
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This Month in Happiful
Contents May 2018
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50p
Features 14 MISSING PEOPLE
from every copy sold through a subscription goes to Missing People. Check out our print subscrition offer on p78
The charity supporting people who’ve gone missing, and their families
18 GIOVANNA FLETCHER
The author, vlogger and chart-topping podcast host on all things motherhood and the importance of being authentically you
32 IN MUSIC WE TRUST
The music merchandise clothing company donating 50% of its profits to Mind
42 DENISE WELCH
The nation’s favourite actress and MH advocate celebrates her milestone 60th birthday by penning a letter to her younger self
50 MENTAL HEALTH TRUST
Life Stories 27 HANNAH HOGG
Lived in a world of uncertainty until she received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that set her free
38 POORNA BELL
Faced countless ‘what ifs’ as she grieved for her husband, but has learnt that with time, the pain does become more bearable
An insight into the work of the West London Mental Health Trust through its CEO, discussing LGBT+ rights and the future of Broadmoor Hospital
63 FEYI JEGEDE
56 (HU)MAN’S BEST FRIEND
79 PHIL MITCHELL
Celebrating our canine friends for National Pet Month, Pete Wicks talks about the importance of adopting and loving them unconditionally
Facing homelessness after the breakdown of her marriage, this mum-of-four’s resilience turned her life around to follow her dreams
Didn’t recognise the abuse in his childhood until he was older but, now trained as a counsellor, he helps other male abuse victims
Love dogs? Check out p56
Happiful Hacks 30 TAKING A MH DAY
The importance of prioritising your mental health at work, to benefit you in the long run
48 EXAM STRESS
Tips for coping with impending exam pressure
54 EMOTIONAL TEMPERATURE Learning to watch out for the red flags signalling you need some self-care time
76 POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY
The ways a positive mindset can help to overcome depression
Look INSIDE
4 great tips for managing exam stress on p48
SUBSCRIBE Print happiful magazine
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Apr 2018 / £4
| April 2018
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Alexandra Burke
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Issue 12
HORIZON Grief and Working Through Strength Finding Her Inner
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Real Life Great Reads Healthy Hacks Uplifting News
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Empathy
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For 12 print issues!
The Uplift 7 NEWS
The safe haven for seabirds, depression screening for teens, and an app to find fellow hobby enthusiasts
11 THE WELLBEING WRAP
A quick review of this month’s latest stories
74
Happiful delivered to your door before it hits the shelves £6 donation to charity UK post and packaging included Exclusive offers Competitions and prize draws!
12 TONE POLICING
Is there a right way to discuss mental health?
Digital
Food & Drink 66 THE FOOD MEDIC
We chat to Dr Hazel Wallace about the connection between food and mental health
70 SWEET TREATS
A recipe that allows you to be both healthy and satisfy that sweet tooth
Lifestyle & Relationships 72 BODY POSITIVITY BOOKS
The young adult fiction about loving the skin you’re in
74 CHARLI HOWARD
The model calling out the fashion industry’s standards
82 A MINDFUL ENGAGEMENT
FREE
Completely free online Same great content as in print Exclusive offers Competitions!
How to make the most of your wedding-planning period, without getting overwhelmed
87 ANXIETY SUPPORT
What to do when someone you love is struggling
90 UNSUNG HERO
The volunteer raising thousands to support children and families healing from trauma
OUR PLEDGE For every tree we use to print this magazine, we will ensure two more are planted or grown.
Visit happiful.com
Introducing the professionals behind Happiful Magazine who help to ensure we deliver the highest quality advice
OUR
TEAM EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Acting Editor Kathryn Wheeler | Editorial Assistant
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Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
SONAL SHAH Sonal is a nutritional therapist and health tutor. She is Director of Synergy Nutrition.
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DR HAZEL WALLACE Hazel is a junior doctor and personal trainer, with a special interest in nutrition.
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FE ROBINSON Fe is a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. Fe advises on our content.
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EXPERT PANEL
This Month in Happiful
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GRAEME ORR Graeme is a counsellor who specialises in relationships and advises on our life stories.
Fe Robinson | Expert Advisor Amy-Jean Burns | Art Director Tristan Baliuag | Graphic Designer CONTRIBUTORS Gemma Calvert, Denise Welch, Maurice Richmond, Fiona Thomas, Laura Graham, Lucy Winrow, Kat Nicholls, Lucy Donoughue, Ellen Hoggard, Sonal Shah, Bonnie Evie Gifford, Miriam Akhtar, Samantha Hearne, Hannah Hogg, Poorna Bell, Feyi Jegede, Phil Mitchell SPECIAL THANKS Joseph Sinclair, Krishan Parmar, Clare Turner, Amanda Jackson, Alice Theobald, Joy Goodman, Suzie Street, Graeme Orr, Rachel Coffey, Becky Wright, Emma Shearer, Mel Marney, Lauren Richardson PR & MARKETING Maurice Richmond | Media and Communications Officer maurice.richmond@happiful.com THE HAPPIFUL NETWORK Lucy Donoughue | Head of Content Amie Sparrow | PR Manager
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Matt Holman | Advisor LP AN BA M
RACHEL COFFEY Rachel is a life coach looking to encourage confidence and motivation.
DR LUCY WINROW Lucy is a researcher for ProtectED – a new scheme for student safety and wellbeing.
Further info This magazine is FSC certified. Please help us preserve our planet by recycling Happiful. Why not pass on your copy to a friend afterwards? Alternatively, please place it in a recycling bin. Our two-for-one tree commitment is made of two parts. Firstly, we source all our paper from FSC certified sources. The FSC label guarantees that the trees harvested are replaced, or allowed to regenerate naturally. Secondly, we will ensure an additional tree is planted for each one used, by making a suitable donation to a forestry charity. Happiful is a brand of Memiah Limited. The opinions, views and values expressed in Happiful are those of the authors of that content and do not necessarily represent our opinions, views or values. Nothing in the magazine constitutes advice on which you should rely. It is provided for general information purposes only. We do not accept liability for products and/ or services offered by third parties. Memiah Limited is a private company limited by shares and registered in England and Wales with company number 05489185 and VAT number GB 920805837. Our registered office address is Building 3, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL.
MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma White | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Steve White | Finance Director Happiful c/o Memiah, Building 3, Riverside Way Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Printed by Pensord
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We’re Sorry Happiful would like to apologise for a misprint in our April issue feature for Sport Relief. The bios of the four incredible women taking part in the Mother of All Challenges were unfortunately printed wrongly. We are very sorry for this and have amended the article on our website and e-magazine.
Positive news that transforms the world
WOW!
According to the National Council for Voluntary Organisations, £12.2 billion is contributed to the UK economy each year thanks to 160,000 organisations, like Bearded Broz
NEWS
Volunteers feed 10,000 mouths across the Midlands A community-focused team has shown what can be achieved by pulling together to support those in need
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group of volunteers called the Bearded Broz have banded together to work on community projects across the West Midlands, to, in their words, “serve humanity”. The team initially came together on 14 June 2017, following the news and impact of the Grenfell Tower fire in London, with the aim of supporting those in need. Within eight hours of the news breaking, the group had an eight-man team and a van-load of food and supplies to donate to residents in the area.
One of the Bearded Broz founders, Imran Hameed, originally set up the Salma Food Bank in June 2016, in memory of his late mother Salma Parveen. His vision was to offer food directly to those in need, at no charge, thanks to donations and volunteers. From working in association with the Salma Food Bank, Bearded Broz has so far fed more than 10,000 families and people across the West Midlands. Imran says: “When people connect and work together, we build stronger communities. These communities then prosper, making better areas for us all.”
They have continued their work by creating short documentaries covering community issues to raise awareness, and helped local organisations to collect an estimated 100 tonnes of rubbish during the West Midlands bin strikes in 2017. Imran notes: “The feeling of happiness to see someone not go without food is our proudest moment to date. And we try to achieve that every day.” The group also note that having a beard is not a requirement to join... Find out more, and how you can volunteer, by visiting beardedbroz.com
May 2018 • happiful • 7
The Uplift
Get involved Young Minds are looking for male mental health activists aged between 14 and 23 to help ‘create change around young people’s wellness’. Visit youngminds.org.uk for more information
Call for annual depression screening for teenagers Experts in America believe that all children aged 12 and above should be regularly screened for depression
T
he American Academy of Pediatrics revealed in a report published last month its wish for adolescents to get a mental health check-up every year, to screen for depression. Experts believe that the initiative should be open to those aged 12 and above in the hope of reducing the time it takes to get help for conditions such as depression. It comes as mental health charity Mind has revealed that 50% of mental health problems in adult life begin by the age of 14, and 75% by 18. Yet many teenagers fail to get diagnosed until adulthood. Worryingly, the rates of depression and anxiety among teenagers have increased by 70% in the past 25 years.
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Reacting to the news, children’s charity the NSPCC told The Guardian that it was now up to the government to improve access to mental health services. An NSPCC spokesperson said: “Screening for mental health conditions could help normalise conversations about depression, but must be accompanied by easy access to support services. “The government must build on the proposals in its recent green paper to ensure all children who need it can access high-quality and timely mental health support.” A consultation process on adolescent mental health by the UK government has ended, with a new blueprint that includes giving mental health awareness training to school staff.
Nightime notification blackout for kids Speaking at The Telegraph’s Technology Intelligence conference, leading privacy expert Jenny Afia called for apps to stop disturbing children’s sleep by sending notifications at night. “Notifications don’t happen in real time,” says Ms Afia. “The algorithm keeps them back to know when is a good time to send notifications to suck children back in and capture their attention and data.” It’s recommended that children get 10 hours of sleep a night, with poor sleep linked to MH problems, such as anxiety and depression. Under new laws, apps now have to use “age-appropriate design” to ensure children’s experiences are tailored to their age group.
The project aim to flourish over is for seabird breeding the next few ye ars
Positive ISSUES
Photography | Jim Richardson
SOCIETY
Seabirds’ safe haven restored after four-year project
A puffin from the Shiant Isles
Tireless work from experts and volunteers in the Shiant Isles, a remote cluster of islands in the Outer Hebrides, has provided a safe space for nesting seabirds
S
ince 2014, a project funded by the EU has worked with the Shiant Isles’ custodians – the Nicolson family – as well as Scottish Natural heritage and RSPB Scotland, to make the islands a safe space for seabirds by removing non-native black rats. Given that mental health problems are estimated to cost the UK economy between £70 and £100 billion each year, and birdsong has been found to improve mental wellbeing for more than four hours, promoting the breeding of birds could have holistic benefits for society. A sharp decline in the seabird population in Scotland and across Europe prompted experts to launch the project – led by New Zealand-based Wildlife Management International Limited, and backed up by 15 volunteers – to eradicate the rats. A monitoring check carried out in February concluded there were no sign of rats on the islands for a second successive year – the agreed criterion for rat-free status. Dr Charlie Main, Senior Project Manager for the Shiant Isles Recovery Project, said: “This is an absolutely fantastic moment for the Shiant Isles and everyone involved in the project is delighted that they are now officially rat-free. With so many of Scotland’s seabird
populations in decline, making these islands a secure place for them to breed is really important. “Over the next few years we’re looking forward to seeing the full impact of the islands’ restoration flourish, with the seabirds enjoying improved breeding successes, and other species beginning to breed there as well. This project has paved the way for more island restorations to take place around Scotland and give our threatened seabirds the best possible chance for the future.” Tom Nicolson said: “This is a tremendous story of success. When the idea was presented to us six years ago, the logistics of the project seemed hugely ambitious. Now, The Shiant Isles are knowing that new species regarded as one of are beginning to thrive on the most important the islands, so soon after bird-breeding habitats the project has finished, in Europe, hosting there are no limits to what around 100,000 pairs the Shiants could become of nesting seabirds over the next five, 10, each year 20 years.”
May 2018 • happiful • 9
The Uplift
TECH Meet4aCoffee is planned to launch in summer 2018
’App-y days London couple Alexandra and François Theis have designed an app to bring people together and combat loneliness. MatchMyHobby allows users to network with people who enjoy similar passions, from sports to crafts, and even coin collecting, and with more than 3,000 users so far, it’s going down a storm in the city. For more information, or to download and make some new friends, visit the App Store and search MatchMyHobby.
Former alcoholic creates the first social recovery network Meet4aCoffee is the app creating a community to support each other through addiction recovery
T
he new social recovery network, Meet4aCoffee, links those in recovery with others on the same journey in their area, and is the brainchild of Samuel Bennett. Samuel was 12 years old when he began drinking. He spent his 18th birthday in rehab, and returned for further treatment eight times. But now, at 31, he’s taking steps to ensure that no one who’s fighting addiction feels alone. Having a strong support system is vital for recovery, and organised support groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous, are strongly
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recommended by professionals. It’s Samuel’s hope that Meet4aCoffee replicates this support system in a digital format. The app features: a “Share Box” to vent and share your feelings with the world; “My Circle”, similar to a friends list on a social page where you can upload thoughts, photos, and videos; a “Nearby” feature that finds other people in recovery in your area; and “Recovery Time”, a place to record your recovery. With no technical training, and little formal education, Meet4aCoffee was a project of passion for Samuel, who was homeless when he first
had the idea for the app, and who sketched up his plans on a piece of cardboard. The app, which will be available from this summer, will be free to download from Google Play and the App Store. For Samuel, it was vital that this resource remained as accessible as possible, and To find out more that anyone could benefit and to support from it, the initiative, visit regardless of their meet4acoffee.com financial situation.
The
wellbeing wrap
Chester Bennington Photography | mooinblack / Shutterstock.com Iain Lee / The Wright Stuff
Emojis | Apple / Unicode
Weird, wonderful and welcoming news
Frontman’s lasting legacy
The widow of late Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington has urged fans to mark his birthday with a mental health awareness campaign. Talinda Bennington kicked off the 320 Changes Direction campaign after her husband’s tragic death in July 2017, aged just 41.
Apple is looking to be more inclusive with its range of emojis in order to better represent people with various abilities. Their proposal looks to introduce 13 new emojis including a guide dog, an ear with a hearing aid, prosthetic limbs, and people in both mechanical and manual wheelchairs. While there’s still a long way to go to represent as many people as possible, Apple see this as a good starting point.
No laughing matter Comedian Iain Lee stormed off Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff after taking exception to host Matthew Wright’s line of questioning. talkRADIO host Iain walked off the show after Matthew persisted with “private” questions about “depression, marriage woes and sobriety”. After the show, Iain said he was “in rude health”.
Clocking on
In Germany, 700 colleagues of single dad Andreas Graff have donated almost 3,300 overtime hours to support him in taking a year off work to care for his five-year-old son, Julius, who has leukaemia. When an HR manager at the design company in Hesse led the drive to fundraise overtime hours to cover Andreas, every single person offered help, showing that in times of need people really can, and do, pull together.
Mental health awareness in safe hands
On the right track National Rail has teamed up with Samaritans, British Transport Police, and the rail industry, to promote suicide prevention. A reception in Westminster allowed them to lobby MPs on how best to support work on suicide reduction on railway lines.
Former Everton and Wales international goalkeeper Neville Southall has paired up with eating disorders campaigner Hope Virgo to raise mental health awareness. As part of #MHtakeover, Neville gives Hope access to his 124,000 Twitter followers for 45 minutes at 7.30pm every Sunday, allowing her to answer questions about mental health.
DID YOU KNOW?
The excessive desire to sleep could be a psychological condition? Clinomaniacs find it extremely difficult to get out of bed, and often face severe anxiety and tension when they do.
20th time’s the charm
Dave Lock, 56, has completed his 20th consecutive London Marathon dressed as a giant green Samaritans’ phone. In total, Dave has run an incredible 1,600 miles in the phone costume, and after getting it refilled with fresh foam, says the costume is good to go for another 20 years. Dave can be found training in and around Epping Forest in Essex, so if you spot a giant telephone coming towards you, be sure to give him a cheer! May 2018 • happiful • 11
The Uplift | The Explainer
What is
Tone Policing? It can be hard to keep your cool when opening up about something personal, but is there a ‘right’ way to talk about our experiences with mental health? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler
A
ccording to Time to Talk, 60% of people wait more than a year before telling friends and family about their mental health problems. Opening up is hard. We don’t always know for certain how someone is going to react, and talking about something as personal as mental health can quickly get emotional. But does the way we talk about our experiences matter? If we act casually about it, will we be taken seriously? If we get upset, will we come across as too emotional? If we become angry, will the conversation shut down? Tone policing is when people are told there’s a “right” way to talk about experiences. It refers to when someone focuses on the way that you talk about something, rather
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than what you’re saying. You could be making the argument that there needs to be better mental health support in schools, but as you’re making this point, you begin to get angry. Perhaps someone you know, or you yourself, had previously been let down by a service, or maybe you’ve become frustrated with slow progress. Whatever the reason may be, your argument is dismissed because you’re “too emotional”, or your experience is seen as blurring the reality. While frustrating, research has found that there is an ideal way to talk to people in order to get them on your side. In a 2011 study published by the American Association for Public Opinion Research, a team from the University of Michigan looked at
a group of telemarketers to find the ideal way of communicating. Reviewing recordings of 1,380 introductory telephone calls, researchers found that the ideal speech pace is 3.5 words per second, in an even-keeled voice and, while for women pitch made no difference, a deeper voice for men was better. But should the inability to speak at 3.5 words per second in an even keel diminish the chance of being taken seriously? To get an idea of the way that tone policing can affect people, I spoke to mental health activist Iris Mariani. “I remember when I tried to explain to my mother that I was having some intrusive thoughts,” she tells me. “While I was telling her, I was unable to calm myself down, I got really emotional and I cried.”
Trending UPDATE
YOUR WATCHNE TO
Tone policing is when someone focuses on the way that you talk about something, rather than what you’re saying The more upset Iris got, the less she felt her mum was taking her seriously. “There’s nothing worse than being misunderstood while mentally suffering. Especially when we try to explain our issues to our friends and relatives,” says Iris. “Our facial expressions, voice volume, and gestures, are all elements that inevitably influence other people’s judgement of our situation. Which, sadly, can turn into a negative one.”
Another activist, the anonymous blogger @sectioned_, sees tone policing as a “derailing technique”, that halts debates in mental health conversations: “When I speak up to challenge mental health prejudice and discrimination, there’ll be someone who’ll respond with tone policing. People will say, ‘rethink your tone’, rather than ‘thank you’ or, ‘sorry’.” Despite being shortlisted for Mind awards in 2014 and 2015, @sectioned_ has received criticism for the impassioned way the blog talks about mental health. “Focusing on ‘tone’ rather than addressing the issue being raised reflects the position of power the person believes themself to be in,” they say. There’s certainly a place for anger in the mental health conversation. With services overstretched and help not always easy to come by, it’s
It’s important to understand that people experience things in different ways, and there is no single ‘right’ way to talk about experiences
clear to see how frustration builds up. And while negativity can be hard to deal with, it’s important to understand that people experience things in different ways, and there is no single “right” way to talk about the things that happen to us. The way that we experience mental health varies dramatically from person to person. Some things are painful and upsetting, other times we might become frustrated and angry – either way, we should try our best to accept people’s experiences as they are shared with us. Unfortunately, not everyone we talk to will respond positively, so what should we do if we’re being tone policed? “Don’t take it too personally,” says Iris. “Reach out to someone who will give you the objective support you deserve, even if it’s a medical professional.” May 2018 • happiful • 13
Charity of the Month
Amy Walker, Publicity and Casework Services Manager
Missing People:
The Vital Lifeline From its beginnings in a spare bedroom in London to becoming the leading charity supporting missing children, adults and their families, Missing People has proved to be a lifeline for countless people searching for answers – and it doesn't stop there
W
“
Writing | Maurice Richmond
e all think something like this will never happen to us – but it does.” Christine and Peter Boxell will have 10 September 1988 permanently etched in their minds. It was the day their 15-year-old son Lee set off from their home in Surrey to go to a football match, and never returned.
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Nearly 30 years on, the Boxells have counted on help from many allies, and one loyal friend has been the leading charity Missing People. The organisation has operated under different guises since it first began in 1986, but ever since has provided the same unflinching support to families left in limbo as police forces search for their missing loved ones.
Essential SUPPORT
Dana Acharya, Services Supervisor
50p
The Missing People Choir on BGT in 2017
Peter became a member of the charity’s choir and, with help, was able to pen "I Miss You" – an ode to Lee, which went on to wow millions of viewers tuning into Britain’s Got Talent. The choir reached the ITV talent show’s grand final last year. “It's the lifeline when someone disappears,” Sophie Lapham, the charity’s director of services, summarises its purpose in six clear words. This extends to all; to the family left in limbo, to the child running away from abuse, to the man who can’t see a way through his problems. Sadly there are 330,000 missing incidents reported to the police every year; this relates to almost 180,000 individual people, many of whom will go missing more than once. Thanks to a 24/7 helpline, 200 dedicated volunteers, 90 full and part-time staff, a south-west London office, and £3 million of funding last year alone, thousands of families have accessed the charity’s service. Yet how did it all begin? Who has been driving this remarkable vehicle of support? From the extensive support it now provides, the charity's beginnings proved far more humble.
EARLY DAYS
from every copy of this issue sold in a subscription goes to the Missing People charity
A spare bedroom in the home of sisters Mary Asprey and Janet Newman was where Missing People’s extraordinary journey began, in 1986. It would take seven years before it became a registered charity – firstly as National Missing Persons Helpline in 1993. Sophie said: “They started the charity in response to the disappearance of estate agent Suzy Lamplugh from Fulham in 1986. “They were overwhelmed by the number of calls about other missing people, so launched the National Missing Persons Helpline.” Seven years later, after both women had re-mortgaged their homes, it was registered as a charity. In 2004, Mary and Janet stepped down from their roles, and three years later the charity became Missing People. Sophie continued: “We are open around the clock, 365 days a year, with our award-winning teams working closely with police forces across the UK to help in the search for missing loved ones, and offering emotional support to the families left behind. Continues
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Charity of the Month
The Missing People Choir at a carol service
“A lack of answers following a disappearance can cause a roller coaster of emotions, ranging from sadness and confusion to self-blame and even anger. Every experience is unique, which is why our helpline teams are trained to listen and understand each person’s individual situation.” In June 2016, Janet died. But the foundations the sisters laid have shown that from little steps, something extraordinary can get up and running. MISSING PEOPLE AND MENTAL HEALTH There is undeniably a significant link between missing people and mental health. Missing People have revealed up to 80% of missing adults have a mental health issue, and that around four in 10 adults living with dementia will go missing. Sophie cited common reasons for children going missing, such as “abuse, neglect and conflict at home”. She says: “Not only is a missing person with mental health problems very vulnerable while away from home, but if they don’t receive sufficient support when they return, they may well go missing again.”
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Sophie explains: “Up to one third of adults who go missing, do so more than once. This pattern highlights the importance of agencies working together to provide the right support for these people to help stop the cycle of them going missing again and again.” SUPPORT Missing People’s helpline team will engage with crisis teams or other mental health professionals on behalf of people. Sophie says the charity is an active member of networks including the Helplines Partnership and the National Suicide Prevention Alliance. She says: “We have also been working with Samaritans to pilot a way of reaching out to people who are missing and at risk of suicide, offering support from both charities. “The team are non-judgemental and highly skilled, and here to listen and explore a person’s options in complete confidence. Depending on their reasons for going missing, we may direct them to another organisation who can provide specialist support for their particular situation. Our priority is supporting people to be safe.
Essential SUPPORT
Every experience is unique, which is why our helpline teams are trained to listen and understand each person’s individual situation
THE BIG TWEET FOR MISSING “We offer emotional support to families, and can launch publicity appeals to help raise awareness of their missing loved one. We also offer a free telephone counselling service, and families whose loved one is missing for a long time are offered a dedicated Family Support Worker.”
CHILDREN
AMBITIOUS FUTURE Missing People recently launched its new Five Year Plan, setting itself an ambitious target to double the number of people they help. To do this, Sophie admitted the charity needs to significantly increase its income. She said: “We’re working on new fundraising ideas as well as innovative ways of providing our services. Volunteer support and donations will be more important than ever before. “Volunteering opportunities are available. We need people to support our helpline, which is at the very heart of what we do, and really is a lifeline role. We also have some brilliant challenge events for people of all skills and abilities, from runs to skydives! Everybody can help us circulate missing appeals, either via Facebook or Twitter, or by downloading posters from our website. Business owners can become Poster Partners, which means we’ll email a poster when somebody is missing in the local area. Check out the 'Get involved' section of our website missingpeople.org.uk/get-involved for more.”
One way the charity is embracing social media to help it raise awareness of missing children is its aptly named “Big Tweet For Missing Children”. The aim is simple: it’s an online event that takes place on International Missing Children’s Day (Friday 25 May) where the charity shares a missing child’s appeal on Twitter every halfhour for 24 hours. Retweets and shares are essential, say the charity, to help more missing children find safety. Follow @MissingPeople on Twitter to join in the big tweet.
May 2018 • happiful • 17
Star Girl: Giovanna Fletcher
Dress | Beulah London, Earrings | Accessorize, Shoes | Jimmy Choo
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Gi FORCE
Giovanna Fletcher
MUM'S THE WORD Giovanna Fletcher is one half of one of the most adorable couples in show business, and has turned motherhood into big business. Through her acclaimed podcast Happy Mum, Happy Baby, the soon-to-be mum-of-three, vlogger, author and YouTube star, delves into every nook and cranny of motherhood – good and bad. Her frankness and honesty has one aim: to help other mums trust that they’re not alone. Here Giovanna tells Happiful that women just need to support each other, cut out the comparing – and find time to talk…
Interview | Gemma Calvert
Photography | Joseph Sinclair
May 2018 • happiful • 19
Star Girl: Giovanna Fletcher
My attitude towards my body has changed hugely. It’s given me two amazing boys, and grown me a third!
Dress | Beulah London, Earrings | Soru Jewellery, Shoes | Pretty Ballerina
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Gi FORCE
H ”
appy mum, happy baby. It was Emma Willis who said it.” Author and blogger Giovanna Fletcher is recalling the best motherhood advice she has ever received – a nugget of maternal nuance from her friend, Big Brother presenter and mum-of-three, Emma when, six weeks after her first son Buzz was born, Giovanna, 33, found herself at emotional breaking point. “I was six weeks into feeding Buzz and miserable,” she explains. “I felt this pressure that I was meant to know what his cry meant because everyone said ‘you’ll know’. We’d go through everything and nothing would work. “For me, breastfeeding didn’t come easily. I was always in a bit of pain and really wanted it to happen. I can remember crying on the phone to Emma and her saying: ‘You’ve got to be happy so the baby’s happy, and if feeding is making you so unhappy, maybe it’s time to stop.’ “In that split second, Emma removed that pressure by telling me I had a choice. As it goes, I carried on breastfeeding and everything fell into place soon after, but Emma reminding me that my mental health as a mum is important was huge. After that, I felt different, as though someone was taking care of me, as a mum.” In March, the National Childbirth Trust estimated that half of new mums experience mental health or emotional problems during pregnancy or within a year of giving birth, including postnatal depression, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. Only half of sufferers are thought to seek help. Supporting other mums through the emotional highs and lows of new parenting is the motivation behind Giovanna’s chart-topping Happy Mum, Happy Baby podcast, which she launched last September following her best-selling mum manual of the same title (such was the profound impact of Emma’s words of wisdom). “I wrote the book to stop mums feeling so alone,” explains Giovanna, who discusses with honesty – and, frequently, her trademark humour – issues such as maternal FOMO, breastfeeding woes, and working mum guilt. The podcast, featuring frank chats with a “dream list” of high-profile mums like Davina McCall, Fearne Cotton and Rochelle Humes, has taken the conversation
further by covering topics like stillbirth, IVF and selfconfidence problems. When I arrive to meet Giovanna on her Happiful cover shoot in east London, on a snowy morning in March, she is three months pregnant with baby number three, glowing and gloriously chatty. Midway through an outfit change, we learn how she is feeling noticeably more tired during this second trimester. The night before we meet, she and her former McFly musician-turnedauthor husband Tom, 32, snuggled up on the sofa to watch Wonder Woman, and Giovanna spent the final 20 minutes of the movie standing up to stave off fatigue. She talks of smartphone-induced car sickness (“I had it when carrying Buzz too”) and observes that this time around her tummy has grown bigger, more quickly. Note: This isn’t a grumble. Giovanna has long promoted positive body image and regularly uses her social channels to encourage women to stop comparing sizes and to love the skin they’re in. Last summer, on a family holiday to Italy, she uploaded a picture of herself wearing a black swimsuit, playing in the sea with Buzz, now four, and his younger brother Buddy, two, to Instagram. The post excited endless praise – more than 80,000 likes to date – from people who hailed her an “inspiration”. For Giovanna, the motivation was simple. “A lot of my friends’ mums weren’t in a lot of photos because they were self-conscious,” she says. “After having two kids, it’s so easy to fall into that but, actually, I want my kids to grow up with me being a part of that fun, rather than sitting under an umbrella in my kaftan.” Giovanna has, many times, mentally sat in the shade. Growing up, she hated her body because she “always felt fat”. Then in 2012, before being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, she kept gaining weight and the hormonal imbalance sparked excessive hair growth and spots on her face and back. “I just felt awful,” she says. Most troubling, though, is hearing Giovanna describe the episode of self-loathing following a miscarriage in 2014. “I was so angry,” she explains, her eyes dropping to her lap. “I felt so let down by my body.” On reflection, Giovanna believes that motherhood has transformed this perspective. “My attitude towards my body has changed hugely. It’s given me two amazing boys, and grown me a third! It’s incredible,” she says. “Yes, it doesn’t look like it did when I was 18, but even if I didn’t have children it was never going to look the same.” Continues >>>
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Star Girl: Giovanna Fletcher
In February 2016, 11 days after Buddy was born, Giovanna stayed overnight in hospital and encountered body shaming from a member of A&E staff who said: “Oh look, mummy’s still got her tummy.” “That stopped me in my tracks and if I hadn’t have laughed I would have cried,” says Giovanna, who later wrote about the episode on Instagram, posting with pride a picture of her post-baby bump, which she hailed “a miracle worker”. “That made me look at my body and at that moment I was like ‘my body’s amazing’,” she says. “That was such a powerful message to me and that’s why I shared it. Since then I don’t feel I’ve gone back.” Giovanna is admirably positive, and the way she expresses herself is mature and thoughtful. I ask for her views on the controversial subject of gender selection – treatment that model and mum-of-three-boys Danielle Lloyd, 34, has pledged to have in America, where it is legal, to ensure that her next baby is a girl – and she answers without judgement. “I really don’t mind if that’s what people want to do, each to their own, but I wouldn’t. I’m not pining after a girl. Buzz and Buddy are so different, so what we’re doing is bringing another personality into the mix.” What, then, are her thoughts on gender neutrality? After Giovanna put bright pink laces in Buzz’s trainers, one person commented that it was “embarrassing for a boy” to wear pink, which prompted hundreds to leap to her defence. With more and more parents letting their children subvert gender norms – last summer Radio 2 host Chris Evans’ six-year-old son Eli wore a green dress to a movie premiere, and Adele’s son Angelo dressed up as Anna from Frozen a few months earlier – would Giovanna approve of Buzz wearing a dress? “If he wanted to wear one, yeah,” she says. “We always played dress-up growing up. Mario [Giovanna’s younger brother Mario Falcone, 30 – best known for starring in The Only Way Is Essex] used to wear dresses. For my nan’s 60th, we dressed him up as our auntie Kay in a tutu. It’s all part of growing up. It’s not worth getting stressed out over and, also, what are you going to stop? People are born a certain way and what are you trying to achieve by blocking that?” She continues: “I just want my kids to be happy. I want them to feel accepted, but also I want them to realise that they don’t have to be accepted by everyone.” Giovanna learned this lesson the hard way. Growing up in Ingatestone, Essex, with her Italian dad Mario,
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mum Kim, big sister Giorgina and brother Mario, she was bullied from the age of six until she was nine. “Two girls in my class really didn’t like me. They used to call me names, push me over, and there were loads of rose bushes around the school, which they’d push me into. There’s nothing quite so embarrassing as having the school nurse take thorns out your butt,” says Giovanna, who later moved schools to escape the torment. “I don’t think I realised how much it affected me until years later,” she continues. “When I was 14, I went to London with a friend to see her sister perform in Les Miserables, and the other little girl in it was the sister of one of the bullies. It wasn’t even the bully, but I felt myself having a panic attack. Anxiety swooped over me.” I can still see traces of that sweet, vulnerable girl who longed for acceptance in the considered and confident woman sitting before me. She is saddened by the memory of “that little girl” but feels especially emotional when imagining one of her boys enduring the same thing. “That breaks my heart,” she says. Typically-Giovanna, she plucks positives from the pain. “When the girls would pick on me and take away all my other friends, I’d go to the field, talk to myself, make up plays and sing songs. Then, when I moved schools, I discovered a love of singing and acting,” she says. “Ultimately, I do think I am who I am because of that.” It was at the Sylvia Young Theatre School in London that Giovanna met Tom. They were just 13. In 2012, after 10 years of romance, they married and the YouTube video of Tom’s wedding speech – delivered as a song – has had more than 19 million views. The couple are now famous for their adorable YouTube creations, which – to date – have revealed pregnancies, births, shown Buzz chuckling at Tom blowing a dandelion and, most recently, announced Giovanna and Tom’s first book collaboration, The Eve Of Man – the first in a young adult fiction trilogy. Giovanna credits “laughter” and the children (“we’re a lot closer since”) for the relationship’s long-term success, but when I ask her to pinpoint the biggest strain during their 15 years together, it’s a surprise when she answers: “Lack of sleep.” Tom has spoken openly of his battle with depression, bipolar affective disorder, and “obsession with food”, which he admitted in McFly’s 2012 autobiography Unsaid Things, saying that he felt like “the fat one” in McFly and “pretty much stopped eating”. Continues >>>
Gi FORCE
Dress | Beulah London, Earrings | Soru Jewellery, Shoes | Jimmy Choo
It’s great that my kids are seeing me going out and working hard as much as their dad
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Star Girl: Giovanna Fletcher
In 2011, when watching Stephen Fry’s The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive documentary, Tom identified with many things the actor and comedian said, and after a year of feeling depressed, realised that he needed help. After a referral to a Priory rehab clinic specialist, he was diagnosed with bipolar and prescribed medication. None of this could have been easy on Giovanna, who describes Tom’s diagnosis as a blessing. “I got the more emotional side, whereas the boys got a bit more of the moody Tom. The diagnosis was a huge relief for both of us to understand that behaviour,” she says, adding that in addition to professional treatment, Tom and her did a lot of talking at home. “I was very aware of when he was in a dip, so it was about letting him know that I was there if he wanted me to be,” she says. “But you can’t force someone to talk if they don’t want to because I think that adds pressure.” What one public perception of bipolar or depression would Giovanna like to change? “That it’s something to be ashamed of, because it’s not. It’s not just in your head or something to ‘just get over’,” she answers. “It’s something that is so much bigger that you can’t help, it’s something bigger than you.” Giovanna hopes that as advocates of mental health, she and Tom will inspire their children to be emotionally open. “Talk. Don’t feel ashamed if you’re feeling something,” she says. “There’s always someone that you can talk to and it’s so important that we do. We’ve all heard so much about suicide rates, and people feeling that there’s no way out but, actually, if you talk you’ll realise that you’re not on your own.” I ask Giovanna if she has ever sought help from a therapist. “Yes, while I was at university actually. I found myself with depression. Yeah…” she pauses and it’s an uncharacteristic break in fluency. This is, I learn, the first time that Giovanna has spoken about her own experience of depression, and it’s uncomfortable territory. “I have revealed so much about my life over the years, but that period of depression was a very personal journey, and I’ve chosen not to share that publicly for very personal reasons,” explains Giovanna. “What I will say is I’ve been fine since then, so I would definitely recommend talking therapy to others. Talking is such a simple thing.” Since McFly took an extended break for the band to pursue different interests, following the hugely successful supergroup collaboration with Busted in 2014, Tom has become a successful children’s author. He no longer
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spends weeks on the road touring and is a regular fixture at the family home in Northwood, Middlesex, where he and Giovanna write whenever Buzz is at school and Buddy is at nursery or with his grandparents. Working mum guilt, confesses Giovanna, is an ongoing “struggle”. Last September she and Mario went to Oman for seven days on a charity expedition, and her commitments as a blogger, vlogger (her YouTube channel Giovanna’s World has more than 186K subscribers), columnist and author – she’s had seven novels published – are a daily demand on her time. She works in the day and again when the children are in bed. Giovanna, though, wouldn’t have it any other way. “It’s great that my kids are seeing me going out and working hard as much as their dad,” she says, adding that it’s a “misconception” that she and Tom are in such a fortunate financial position that she could, should she wish, step back from work to be a stay-at-home mum. Giovanna has no room for “me-time” and even if she did, you wouldn’t find her being pampered in a Champneys resort. “There’s a lot of emphasis on ‘the self ’ but I don’t feel like a trip to a spa would make me feel great. I’d rather spend that time with my boys. Having a massage would make me feel guilty,” she chuckles. “My family time is my me-time. I look at my kids making each other laugh, and I love that, or I cook dinner and that feels therapeutic.” In September, Giovanna will have her third baby using hypnobirthing, a natal technique combining controlled breathing and visualisation, for a medication-free, calmer and less painful delivery. I’m interested to know if she uses the lessons she learned before delivering Buzz and Buddy to stay relaxed in her increasingly hectic life? “I am a lot calmer, but I don’t know if that’s through hypnobirthing or through being a parent and learning patience. The things that would have upset me, or got me aggravated before, no longer do because I bat them away,” says Giovanna. “I spent a lot of my childhood, my teens and my early twenties wondering what people were thinking about me. Now I think it doesn’t really matter, and that’s where the calmness comes from. “Growing up, I was always chasing acceptance when, actually, we’re all different and that’s fine. It’s absolutely fine to be whoever you want to be.” She smiles. “As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, chase your happiness.” To listen to Happy Mum, Happy Baby podcast visit acast.com/happymumhappybaby
Gi FORCE
My family time is my me-time. I look at my kids making each other laugh, and I love that, or I cook dinner and that feels therapeutic
Hair & Makeup MayMac, 2018 • happiful 25 Clare Turner using Nars and Philip• Kingsley Styling | Krishan Parmar
The Power of Diagnosis
Photo by Darius Bashar
WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR? Tak e t o rc: Wha v o ar ti w? How yu f an se t te s ar? Wha yo in r ne? Big m, wa h o cid oy?
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True LIFE
Hannah’s Story
The Power of
Diagnosis For years, health professionals had seemed unwilling or unable to help Hannah Hogg as she battled depression and anxiety – but finally someone listened, and it turned her life around
L
iving with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. For years, I was trapped in a downward spiral, leading me to question whether it was even worth being alive. I was as low as I could possibly be, and didn’t see any chance of recovery. I first noticed the symptoms when I was 17, not long after starting college. Though I didn’t experience the hyper moods at first, depression and anxiety were starting to take control. I had one particularly bad anxiety attack that put me in hospital; I genuinely thought I was dying because I couldn’t breathe. The depression made college incredibly difficult. I would miss days simply because I couldn’t get out of bed, and when I did turn up, I didn’t want to contribute anything. The illness started to dictate my life. Due to the very nature of bipolar, the symptoms soon changed into something completely different – the hyper stage. Instead of having any positive effect, this drastic and sudden change created more problems. I developed insomnia, which reduced my energy levels even further, and I also developed an eating disorder – I just didn’t feel the
need to eat anything. On top of this, my spending started to become excessive whenever I was hyper, as I would buy things just to get me through the day. It was at this stage that I decided to see my doctor for the first time.
Due to the very nature of bipolar, the symptoms soon changed into something completely different Unfortunately, this only made the problem worse, as initially I was told that there wasn’t anything wrong with me; that what I was feeling would pass, that it was simply “a phase”. Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 27
The Power of Diagnosis
Hannah’s Story Initially I was told that there wasn’t anything wrong with me; that what I was feeling would pass, that it was simply ‘a phase’ I saw other doctors, who would say that I was anaemic and do countless tests that would (unsurprisingly) all come back negative. It wasn’t until I suffered a breakdown that one doctor told me I was ill, but he didn’t know what was wrong. But despite this, I was still repeatedly brushed off and made to feel that what I was going through wasn’t important, or even real. There were more tests, for diabetes this time, but once again I was no closer to knowing what was actually happening to me. All of this frustrated the hell out of me. I felt I’d been failed by the NHS, and that my concerns weren’t being taken seriously because of my age. For years, I was literally fighting myself and the urges of the hyper and depressive sides of this crippling condition. I found it much harder to cope with the depressive side though. When I hadn’t received the help I needed the symptoms continued to manifest themselves, and it wasn’t long until I gave in to depression and my suicidal thoughts and tried to take my own life. I couldn’t cope with the way I was feeling anymore. What was the point of living if I could never lift myself out of my depressed state? If it wasn’t for a friend, I wouldn’t be here today. He noticed a change in my behaviour and was there for me. When I did act on my thoughts, he was with me all night, phoning an ambulance and staying with me in the hospital. He calmed me down and made me feel less crazy at a time when I felt really crazy and that the whole world was against me.
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In 2017, I finally got the diagnosis I’d been fighting to get for years. Someone at last took the time to listen to me. It was one of the best feelings I have ever had, and I felt so overwhelmed that when I got home I just cried. It may sound silly to say that being told that I have bipolar was a blessing, but I just couldn’t believe that I had finally been given closure and recognition. Something had Hannah with her baby nephew, Jayden finally been done, and it felt amazing. Living with bipolar is like being stuck on a roller coaster. Getting through day-to-day struggles is an accomplishment on its own, but as the years have gone by and I’ve started to understand my condition, I don’t feel being bipolar has held me back. I cope as best I can and take each day as it comes, as it’s almost impossible to predict what mood I’m going to be in. I can start the day feeling down, then suddenly swing into the hyper phase and feel amazing. It can be hugely frustrating, but now that I’ve learned how to cope, and recognise the little signals of the mood swings, it has become easier for me to manage. Over the years I have seen countless counsellors, and while some have helped and others haven’t, just knowing that someone’s there to listen is amazing. I’m currently seeing a psychiatrist who has helped a great deal, not just with the diagnosis but also to help me talk through my feelings. I’ve never been the best at opening up, so having this outlet has been invaluable. It’s been really comforting to have someone to talk to who isn’t my boyfriend or family. Although they have all helped me through many difficult moments, it’s sometimes better to be
True LIFE
given advice by an experienced professional, who has helped others through similarly draining and emotional times. Having a confidant who doesn’t know you personally can also be reassuring, as they can help you understand your condition, give you tips on coping with it, and can also provide a non-judgemental environment where you can explain every emotion without feeling self-conscious. Receiving the diagnosis has given me a new lease of life. I now have a job, and am hoping to progress within the company instead of
Hannah’s boyfriend (left) and supportive family have helped her manage her bipolar disorder
It may sound silly to say that being told that I have bipolar was a blessing, but I just couldn’t believe that I had finally been given closure and recognition isn’t right. Even if there’s a long fight to be given the right diagnosis, you will, as I did, get the outcome that you’re looking for. If your experience ends up being anything like mine, I can promise you that the journey will be worth it in the end. I feel as if I can now live my life to the full, and I’ve already started making up for lost time! For the first time in a long time it feels as if the sky’s the limit, and I can’t wait to see what my future has in store.
Our Expert Says hopping from one job to another, as I have in the past. I’ve developed a love for writing, that has really helped me verbalise how I’m feeling, and provides an amazing outlet for a lot of things that would otherwise just frustrate me by spinning round and round in my head. Spending time with my boyfriend keeps me grounded and, more importantly, he allows me to be my crazy self. I never feel judged when I’m with him. If there are any words of wisdom that I can pass on after my own experiences, it would be to always speak up if you feel as if something
Before receiving her diagnosis, Hannah struggled with a tide of difficult symptoms, which left her with moments when suicide seemed like a real option. Fortunately, the support of a friend helped her. Living with bipolar is challenging, but like many, Hannah found that writing and counselling helped, with space to unpack thoughts and feelings without judgement. Although the journey to diagnosis and treatment was difficult, it proved worthwhile, and Hannah is positive about the future.
Graeme Orr MBACP (Accred) UKRCP Reg Ind counsellor
May 2018 • happiful • 29
Happiful Hack
4
KEY IDEAS
Why It's OK To
Take a Mental Health Day There’s no reason to feel guilty about calling in sick. A short break from work when you really need it is an essential part of good self-care Writing | Fiona Thomas
I
f you’ve ever taken a day off work sick, then you’ll know that it often comes accompanied by pangs of guilt. Many of us feel terrible for even considering calling in ill, so we soldier on for weeks before finally admitting defeat through sheer exhaustion, and we are forcibly put to bed by a loved one. Taking a day off in the name of self-care is nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, it’s actually rather savvy to take time off to address any mental health concerns before they escalate. You wouldn’t begrudge someone a day off to recover from a tummy bug or virus, so why should mental illnesses have a different set of rules?
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Statistics show that nearly 15% of people experience mental health problems in the workplace, so you’re not alone if you struggle to balance life and work. Sick days are a normal response to such problems, and evidence suggests that nearly 13% of all sickness absence days in the UK can be attributed to mental health conditions. So what can be done to help? We’re often told that self-care should be a top priority, but self-care can mean a lot of different things to different people, depending on their situation. Luckily one of the simplest things to do is to take a mental health day when you need it. Here are four good reasons why you shouldn’t feel guilty about it:
Life LESSONS
Your colleagues will cope without you, and a sick day might actually benefit your work performance in the long run
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IT WORKS
Long-term mental health issues need professional attention, but if you’re just feeling generally tired, overwhelmed and emotionally drained, then a day off to recharge will undoubtedly do you good. Time away from your desk will give you time to breathe, rest, reflect – and sometimes come up with a new solution for any issues you’re having. Have you ever had that “Aha!” moment about a problem when you’re doing something completely unrelated, like vacuuming behind the sofa or taking a shower? That’s exactly why mental space is important.
REST IS KEY
Lack of sleep can be a major cause of stress on the body, and chronic sleep disruptions set the stage for negative thinking, depression, anxiety, and emotional vulnerability. If you know your mind isn’t working properly due to lack of sleep, then you shouldn’t feel bad about taking a day off to catch up on some much-needed shuteye. It’s generally believed that a good night’s sleep helps foster both mental and emotional resilience. Once you’re back into a healthy routine, you should see your emotions start to regulate.
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NOT ALL STRESS IS ‘NORMAL’
Are you getting emotional at the thought of your overflowing laundry basket, or the overdue bills waiting to be paid? Sometimes, daily tasks can seem daunting to the point where we feel teary, anxious, or frustrated. If this is happening regularly, then it’s likely that you are suffering from stress. If you let it carry on, the damage can be much harder to undo. Take a day off to get things in order and you’ll feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Remember, self-care also includes seeking help, so don’t feel guilty about asking a friend or family member to assist you with this.
IT’S NOT A HOLIDAY
It’s important to acknowledge that your paid holiday allowance is there for you to go travelling, see family, or do up your spare room; not for when you’re too sick to work. Don’t fall into the trap of seeing sick days as a luxury. They’re an essential tool for healing, and a key part of self-care which shouldn’t be overlooked. Remember that your colleagues will cope without you, and that a sick day might actually benefit your overall work performance in the long run. May 2018 • happiful • 31
Happy Business
IN MUSIC WE TRUST With male depression rarely discussed, the 2014 suicide of comedian and actor Robin Williams had an impact that rippled around the world, and prompted musician Aiden Hatfield to assess his own emotional health. He realised that music is his medication and it could be for others, too Writing | Laura Graham
M
usician Aiden Hatfield was 25 when the news of Robin Williams’ suicide broke in 2014. It was an event that shocked the world. Why would someone seemingly so happy take their own life? For many years before this, Aiden had known he didn’t feel as happy as he should, but assumed that was how everyone else felt – it was just a part of life. The media conversation around Williams’ suicide made him realise that feeling this way wasn’t actually the norm. He saw the parallel between himself and the actor – both outgoing people, comfortable being the centre of attention, but with an underlying unhappiness.
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With this realisation came the impetus for Aiden to do something to help support other people in a similar situation to him. By connecting music and fashion, he thought of a way he could positively support those with mental health issues.
THE IDEA
The concept of a clothing brand with a supportive mission had been on Aiden’s agenda for a while, but it was in November 2014 that he decided to set up In Music We Trust and donate 50% of its profits to a mental health charity. For years Aiden had struggled with depression, without actually realising what it was. The Leeds-based musician had been creating music since the age of 13,
Sounds GOOD
Leeds-based musician Aiden set up In Music We Trust in 2014
In 2015, 75% of all suicides in the UK were male. It is the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 in the UK
both in bands and as a solo artist. From the moment he first picked up a guitar and started playing, he felt good. It was something that always lifted his mood. Aiden saw his artistry as his medicine – as it was when he was creating music that he felt most fulfilled – and he thought that the concept would resonate with others. He knew that music is one of the few things that everybody can connect with, and felt that he couldn’t be the only person to get pleasure from listening to, and creating, music. Band merchandise appeared to sell well, so rather than the clothing he designed denoting a love for a particular artist, it would be people showing admiration for every song that had ever spoken to them. He set about designing the logos; not a graphic designer or artist by trade, it took a while to perfect his ideas. The simplicity of the designs connect with people and he now receives pictures of people wearing his clothing every day, which he says is “surreal and really cool”.
THE REVEAL
There is a history of depression in my family, and it was always talked about negatively
“I didn’t want to tell people I was suffering with depression,” says Aiden. “There is a history of depression, suicide and addiction in my family, and it was always talked about negatively.” Instead of talking to his friends and family, Aiden set up the brand, thinking it would be a hint to those around him. However, he found the topic difficult to broach and when asked, he always denied the clothing brand had anything to do with his own mental health. He marketed the T-shirt and hoodie designs through social media, with a positive response. Six months after the brand launched, it came to the attention of local media. It was then that a pre-recorded interview with BBC Look North aired, and the presenter introduced Aiden as the “brand founder who suffers with depression”. “I had spoken to the journalist before the interview and she asked if I had depression,” Aiden explains. “I said ‘yes’ not realising she would use it on air. As I watched, I felt that cold sweat of panic, but at the same time, a sense of relief. My family and friends were very supportive and weren’t surprised.” The official diagnosis came when he finally went to his doctor, two years after he started the brand. Continues >>>
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Happy Business
Aiden holds a live Twitter stream every Monday at 8pm, answering questions about mental health and music
I’m not invincible, I still feel down, and to get through it I play music – that’s my daily medication
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THE RESPONSE
The only awkwardness he encountered as a result of the news coming out was with some of his neighbours, who appeared to be unsure how to talk to him following the on air revelation. “I could understand why some people would find it awkward to talk to me. It’s not the type of thing you get taught about at school,” says Aiden. “Luckily there is so much information available online now, it’s easy for people to educate themselves. Or just ask the person how they are.” Aiden originally donated 50% of the In Music We Trust profits to Depression Alliance, but the donations moved to Mind when they took over the charity in 2016. To date, Aiden has donated more than £1,800. In Music We Trust isn’t affiliated with Mind and Aiden makes donations periodically as any private individual would. The donations help Mind continue to provide advice and support to empower anyone experiencing a mental health problem. As the UK’s leading mental health charity, Mind also campaign to improve services, raise awareness and promote understanding of mental illness.
Sounds GOOD
So far, Aiden has donated more than £1,800 to charity
Aiden’s tips on managing depression:
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Find someone to talk to. It could be a family member, friend, doctor, or a mental health organisation such as Mind or Samaritans. Be open about how you feel. People will be supportive. You don’t have to do it all in one go, just let people know you’re not OK. Cry – it’s good for you! Exercise regularly and try to eat well. Don’t feel bad about the odd cake though. Listen to, or create, music at every opportunity.
THE RESULT
The clothing brand, which now offers four different T-shirts, two hoodie designs, wristbands, beanies and a goodie bag, has received an amazingly positive social media response. A total of 70,000 people follow the brand on Twitter, as well as 94,000 followers on Aiden’s personal Twitter account. Aiden holds a live stream every Monday evening at 8pm to connect with his audience, answering questions about mental health, music and everything in between. The guitarist signs off by performing one of his original songs. Many people now contact Aiden via social media to tell him they are struggling with their mental health. He is often the first person people confide in, which he sees as a real privilege. “The response has been really positive,” Aiden says. “So many people contact me to support what I’m doing. I’ve also been surprised by the response from people who aren’t suffering with any mental health issues, who reach out. What I’ve realised is that the stigma around mental health often lies within the people suffering with depression, rather than those who aren’t.” It was the fear of judgement from friends, family, and society as a whole, that was his biggest concern. The reality, from his experience however, is that people generally just want to help. Aiden has learnt how to manage his mental health in the best way possible for him. Rather than dealing with depression one episode at a time, he has set up his life in a way so that it is something he’s excited about. His openness to discuss his mental health has encouraged Twitter followers to ask him for advice about issues related to managing depression. He advocates any method that helps that particular individual, and always encourages people to talk to their GP. “The clothing brand, supporting people online and making music is what gets me excited,” says Aiden. “I’m not invincible, I still feel down, and that can make it more difficult because when the depression hits I don’t have a ‘reason’. To get through it, I play music – that’s my daily medication.”
THE FUTURE
So what’s next for the brand? Aiden is excited to release new music and go on tour, with In Music We Trust as his merchandise. He hopes to spread the message to as wide an audience as possible and continue to donate 50% of the profits to Mind. To find out more, visit: inmusicwetrust.co.uk Follow In Music We Trust on Twitter @imwtclothing, and Aiden @AidenHatfield
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PRACTISE SELF-LOVE Be p of tg ha k o, yo
MAY
TOP
10
The Happiful Seal of Approval This month we've collected our top 10 things to try – from binge-worthy shows to walking trails through the British countryside – to give you the low-down on what's hot this May
Treat yourself
The Spiral of Containment: Rape’s Aftermath by Elisa L Iannacone: renowned photojournalist travels the world to speak with and photograph rape survivors in this powerful collection of interviews and images. (£24.99, Pen Works Media)
Square eyes
Check out Amanda Oleander on Instagram. This LA-based artist regularly posts engaging hand drawn scenarios capturing life’s everyday quirks. (Instagram @amandaoleander)
Lend us your ears
Conversations With People Who Hate Me: host Dylan Marron has conversations with the people who send him hate online, offering an insight into the people we are behind a screen, and the things we do have in common. (Podcast available on YouTube)
Head for the hills
*Happiful reader’s can get 10% off orders of I Can Cards using the code: happiful
Get going
Chesterfield Area Walking
Langshott Manor Festival (12–20 May): reap the benefits of the great outdoors in Surrey, UK: v e r s a with free, guided walks across n leave the city o c tio the Derbyshire countryside. behind for h e Dementia a stay in Awareness Week 2018 (21 May–27 May): this Grade a week dedicated to II listed talking about the way dementia affects the historic lives of those living with manor. the condition, and the
n
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 4: in this uplifting comedy, a woman escapes from a cult and tries to lead a normal, 21st Century life. (Netflix, 30 May)
Plugged-in
I Can Cards: a box of affirmation cards offering daily comfort and support. 10% of profits from each box goes to the Mental Health Foundation. (£10, icancards. co.uk)
T
PAGE-TURNERS
people around them.
TECH TIP-OFFS
Moodnotes: tracks moods and thought-patterns to develop perspectives associated with happiness. (£3.99, IOS)
OUT & ABOUT
Sister Brother at the V&A Museum of Childhood, London (runs until 20 May): a show exploring sibling relationships and how they affect our sense of self. May 2018 • happiful • 37
Chasing a Rainbow
Poorna’s Story
Life after a loved one’s death When author and journalist Poorna Bell discovered her husband Rob’s heroin addiction and depression, which eventually led to his suicide, it took her on a journey that left her with countless ‘what ifs’. While her grief remains, she has learned that in time, the pain will lessen as she treasures their love and moves forward in life
R
ob told me around four weeks after we had started dating, and was very upfront about it. We were in a taxi on our way to dinner and he said: “There’s something I need to tell you. From time-to-time I suffer from depression.” It was about nine years ago. I didn’t know anything about depression, so Poorna is the former I thought: “I’m glad he has HuffPost UK Executive Editor told me, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal.” He was so matter of fact and confident about it, that I simply assumed he had it in hand. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t see how it would impact our life very much. There is not much I regret in our relationship, but knowing what I know now about depression, I wish I
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could have that moment over again, because there are so many questions I would have asked – and the biggest would’ve been: “How have you been managing it?” Chronic depression is a big deal; it is a formidable illness, both for the person and for their partner. You can’t just manage it on your own. Rob was of a type. He was aware of his depression, but had not seen a psychiatrist until he was 36. He went to his GP sometimes for anti-depressants, but didn’t have any other support, such as therapy. As a man, he stigmatised himself for having depression, which acted as a block to him getting help. At times, he only saw the things he couldn’t do, or how the depression made him feel. I think he found it hard to love himself, despite being loved so much by so many people. From time to time, until he died, he would say: “I just want to be normal.” This was a huge hurdle for him to overcome, and he never did.
True LIFE
Rob was also a high-functioning heroin addict. He’d managed to conceal his addiction from me because of all of the things he’d managed to achieve. He had his own house, he had a pet dog, he liked gardening, he loved me, he cooked dinners, and he managed to work successfully as a freelance journalist. Maybe, if things had been overwhelmingly chaotic, I would’ve been more suspicious. But there were unexplained things, like his insomnia, or him being fine one day and really sick the next. But he was proud, and would just brush my concerns away, saying he was fine. How Poorna first heard about Rob’s depression about nine years ago do you get a fully-grown man to engage in support services when they say no? He also – in his own words – manipulated my concerns to mask his addiction, because he was terrified that if I Chronic depression is a found out I would leave him. All I wanted to do was help him, but being big deal; it is a formidable human too, I said if he lied to me again, I would illness, both for the person seek a separation, because that was the worst and for their partner. part of dealing with his addiction issues. We had three prolonged relapses, followed by weeks You can’t just manage it of lying, and after the last one, I said I couldn’t on your own do it anymore. Like all addictions, it is hard to maintain that façade, and his life literally crumbled saw his psychiatrist, and spent two stints in a around him before he died. He ended up being psychiatric hospital. thousands of pounds in debt, had lost his He had gone to stay with family in New house, and then finally, he lost me. Zealand because in the UK, I was the one who Rob did seek treatment, and we were really had looked after him and I could no longer do lucky that we had private healthcare through that. So, we needed somewhere he would be my work – if we had gone through the NHS I safe, and could have a respite from working. A think he would have died sooner because the week later he took his own life. We had been system is so underfunded and overburdened. separated for three months. He went cold turkey, engaged with a counsellor, Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 39
Chasing a Rainbow
Poorna’s Story
I’ve seen how so many of us – including myself – have tortured ourselves over the “what ifs”. From phone calls, to last meetings, to things we said. Could we have saved them? I think when it comes to suicide, we think of that moment on the bridge – a split second that could have saved a person’s life. But suicide is a lot more complicated than that. It is impossible to put ourselves in the mind of someone who is in so much pain and hopelessness. No single person can be the solution to all of that pain. You aren’t responsible for another person’s life any more than someone is responsible for your’s.
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‘We shared so much love in our relationship, despite how difficult things got and how it ended’
I wanted to write my book – Chase the Rainbow – because I felt quite strongly that there wasn’t a lot of information out there for those people who are supporting a loved one with a mental illness or addiction. There is so much I wish I had known. In a broader sense, I also felt weighed down with my grief and this huge stigma around the manner in which Rob had died. We shared so much love in our relationship, despite how difficult things got and how it eventually ended. I wanted to share that with the world, to show that all of these things aren’t so black and white.
True LIFE
‘The biggest thing I
Writing and researching helped me immensely, because I learned so much – and some of what I learned alleviated my guilt around Rob’s death. Of course, it was cathartic but I also got to relive some of the best parts of our relationship – falling in love, getting married – and it reminded me how complicated a person’s life is, and how it is full of love, but also inevitably, grief. What we know about addiction is mostly wrong. An opiate addiction in particular is hugely complex. For instance, we have a very set idea of what a heroin user looks like – Renton from Trainspotting. But the reality is a heroin user can be from any background – rich or poor – there is no pattern as to why someone might get addicted, or what that person will look like. In terms of my own mental health, I think the biggest thing I did for myself was that I didn’t shelve my grief. I didn’t ignore it, I let it run its course, and the journey is still ongoing. What I did was give myself time to grieve. When I needed space from work, I worked from home. Therapy was incredible – not because I needed it to make sense of Rob’s death, but because I had to figure out how to navigate my relationships with my loved ones, now that I felt so decimated by his passing. Grief causes immense anger – sometimes irrationally – and therapy helped me to manage that.
Writing was cathartic, but I also got to relive some of the best parts – falling in love, getting married – and it reminded me how complicated a person’s life is
did for myself was Above all, I remain fit – that I didn’t shelve walking, running and going my grief’ to the gym is essential for my mental health. I make sure I do small things for myself, like leaving work on time, and checking in with myself so that I tackle a difficult issue before it becomes a huge, insurmountable thing. My situation is unique, as is every single bereavement. In the early months after Rob died and everything was just pain and sadness, someone said to me: “This will get better. You will never stop grieving, you will never stop feeling sad, but it will get less intense, and you’ll feel like you can breathe again.” Three years after his death, I know exactly what that person meant. I am still grieving, but I have learned to carry the love I have for him and still move forward with my life. It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten him, or that it hurts any less. But the spaces in between get longer and kinder, and in time, the pain isn’t so often, or so sharp.
‘Chase the Rainbow’ is out in paperback on 3 May, published by Simon & Schuster, £8.99
Our Expert Says Poorna is right to remind us that no one is accountable for someone else’s health or wellbeing, and that suicide is seldom caused by just one thing. I was struck by Poorna pointing out that grieving tells us that we have loved – this is a powerful, positive message amidst our pain. I wish Poorna, and anyone who has suffered the pain of a death through suicide, well in their journey to finding a sense of peace, despite what they have gone through. Fe Robinson MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
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Blazer | Next, Tee | Marcus Lupfer, Trousers | Wallis
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Top | Wallis, Trousers | Joseph Ribkoff
Try not to tell the world absolutely everything about your life, as it will come back to bite you on the arse!
e s i n e D r Dea From her time on Loose Women, to her memorable appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, star of stage and screen Denise Welch has never shied away from talking candidly about her life, experiences and, most notably for us, her mental health. To mark her 60th birthday, Denise pens an open letter to her 16-year-old self, reflecting on a very colourful life Photography | Amanda Jackson
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A Letter to Myself
O
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Jumpsuit | Next Shoes | Sissei
ver the years, Denise Welch has gone through extremely difficult periods, from the postnatal depression that consumed her following the birth of her first-born, and frontman of the indie band The 1975, Matty Healy, to alcoholism as she attempted to self-medicate to deal with what she calls her “unwelcome visitor” – depression. But with the lows have also been some truly wonderful highs, and her life has been full of joy, and learning, and love, too. As she discussed in an interview with Happiful last year, she is in a positive place now, having come through the darkness, and has grown so much from what she’s been through. Her two children are her greatest joy in life, and she couldn’t be more proud of them. In 2013, she married British artist Lincoln Townley, who encouraged Denise to face her demons and take steps in her recovery to become sober, together. Over the years, she’s been an incredible advocate for mental health, leading the charge in the mission to break down stigmas and encourage people to join the conversation. As she approaches her milestone 60th birthday, Denise writes a letter to her 16-yearold self, reflecting on how far she has come, everything she’s been through, and above all, words of wisdom to get through those moments where it feels like the world is against you. Through the tough times, and the good, one thing is for sure – our Denise has certainly made her time memorable.
Happy BIRTHDAY
Dear Denise,
I want to start by saying that your life will never be boring! You will maybe experience more lows than many people, but you will certainly enjoy more highs. Never take the love of your family for granted. You are blessed with amazing parents and when you are older you’ll realise just how lucky you are. As for your sister, she will always be your best friend. There are times when you won’t think so, as she is the only one to be brutally honest with you. But you’ll learn she has your best interests at heart. Follow your dreams to be an actress. Don’t listen to the naysayers. You will love what you do and will earn a good living, but you won’t be defined by your career. Your love life will be colourful! You will learn from your first marriage exactly what you don’t want (I’d love to tell you not to marry him, but you’re very headstrong!). A good man will be the father to your children, but recognise when the marriage is over and walk away. Love changes, and you will remain good friends. I wish I could prevent the depression that will descend after childbirth. But you must realise that this is an illness like any other. Be as kind to yourself as possible. Take time off work – they’ll survive without you. Don’t self-medicate. It will take you down a very long, dark road and it’ll be very hard to find your way home.
I wish I could prevent the depression that will descend after childbirth. But you must realise this is an illness like any other
Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 45
A Letter to Myself
st of birthdays Wishing you the very be ur loved ones Denise, surrounded by yo ration. Treasure for a well-deserved celeb hs and the lows – your memories – the hig u are today. At 60, they’ve made you who yo , full of strength you are a true inspiration . r and sass – neve change Lots of love,
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The Happiful Team x
Happy BIRTHDAY
Try not to worry about ageing. It’s a pointless waste of time and energy. Feel thankful to be a survivor! Don’t fear the work you love drying up. You’ve always been a character actor and your roles will only get better. Don’t worry about not finding love again. There will be life left in the “old dog”! You will find the greatest love of all in your 50s. You probably think that’s a bit gross at 16, but believe me, it’s a love like no other. And he’ll be a young’un! Together you will be strong and defeat your demons as one. Your children will be your greatest joy and will work hard to save up for “Shady Pines” in Beverly Hills! If you get the chance to do a daily talk show, try to self-edit a bit. Try not to tell the world absolutely everything about your life, as it will come back and bite you on the arse! Above all, everyone has their cross to bear. Your’s will be living with mental illness. But you will be determined to help others who are struggling, and this in turn will be a huge comfort to you. Your “unwelcome visitor” will continue to make uninvited calls, but he will always leave and your life in between will be happy, fulfilling, rewarding and most of all, full of love. You’re a tough cookie, and I’m proud of who you are now and who you will become.
You will find the greatest love of all in your 50s. Together you will be strong and defeat your demons as one
I love you,
Denise xxxx
Hair & makeup | Alice Theobald at Joy Goodman using Rodial skincare, Cosmetics à La Carte makeup, L’Anza haircare, Doll Baby lashes Styling | Suzie Street
May 2018 • happiful • 47
Happiful Hack
5
POSITIVE STEPS
How to tackle exam stress
Don’t let your finals get you down! Here’s some smart advice to help students handle that extra end-of-term pressure Writing | Lucy Winrow
E
xam stress affects most students at some point. Before a test, you might have difficulty sleeping, feel irritable or forgetful, or find it impossible to concentrate. It’s important to remember that stress is a natural response to something that worries you, and low levels can even make you more alert and motivated. But if stress levels get too high, this can affect your ability to prepare for exams, or perform as you would like to on the big day.
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Many students already feel under pressure due to increased living costs and high tuition fees. Psychologists have also identified a rising trend in perfectionism among young people, who feel increasingly evaluated by social media, or are worried by the competitive graduate job market. When exam season rolls around, it’s understandable that some students notice a spike in stress levels. However, the following tips can help you to stay positive and calm.
Life LESSONS
1
GET ORGANISED EARLY
Minimising stress is about playing the long game, and the earlier that you can get organised, the better. Buy a calendar or whiteboard where you can plan your study schedule – visual aids can boost productivity, and having everything set out clearly will help you to feel in control. Assign topics and tasks to each day, and aim to study in one-hour chunks, for optimal concentration. Getting through a difficult time is always easier with a bit of moral support, so why not join a study group to share ideas, questions, and knowledge in a more relaxed setting? If a group doesn’t exist, then start one! Ask around after a seminar, or post on social media to see who might be interested.
4
SPEAK TO SOMEONE
If you begin to struggle, don’t keep these feelings to yourself. The sooner you speak to someone the less chance there is of the problem escalating. Talk to a friend, flatmate or family member, or join an online forum and speak to other students. Depending on how you feel, you may wish to speak to your university’s mental health and wellbeing service. If you need help accessing this, ask your tutor, a lecturer, or head to the university website. You can also phone Nightline – a confidential overnight student-run listening service; join Mind’s online community Elefriends; or visit the Student Minds website for advice and a list of cheap or free counselling services.
2 LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Your lifestyle directly affects your health and wellbeing, and during stressful times it’s important to look after yourself. Eating regular, nutritious meals will help to give you the energy to power through revision, and there are plenty of websites offering delicious and cheap meal ideas. And don’t forget to stay hydrated – research suggests that drinking water can help alleviate anxiety, and even improve grades. Exercise also reduces stress, causing your body to produce “feel good” endorphins. Just going for a walk is a great way to clear your mind and recharge. Getting into a regular sleeping pattern will help you to feel your best. Schedule time for winding down before bed, and reduce your alcohol intake, as this can keep you awake. Of course, it’s still important to relax and see friends – why not check out the Student Minds #BestNightIn campaign for ideas of fun things to do.
3 USE UNIVERSITY SERVICES
Many universities recognise the impact of exam stress and offer a range of dedicated activities and services. The University of Leeds has the Space to Relax initiative; a space where students can revise with mood lighting, free refreshments, and a member of staff on hand. The University of Bolton brings therapy dogs to campus to help students relax, and Aberystwyth University provides a range of free physical activities to help students de-stress. Ask your university what it has to offer, and check its social media pages for updates.
‘Minimising stress is about playing the long game, and the earlier that you can get organised, the better’
5
HAVE A POST-EXAM PLAN
Unfortunately, exam stress doesn’t always end when the exams are over. Whether you are optimistic or pessimistic, wait until you get your results before expending too much energy on worrying about the outcome. And if things don’t go to plan, use it as an opportunity to reflect on what you can do differently. In the meantime, as a distraction, why not throw yourself into a volunteering scheme or part-time job? It’s also good to plan a post-exams treat. Not only will this give you something nice to focus on as you battle the books, it will also be a just reward for all your hard work.
Lucy Winrow works on the ProtectED project – the first national accreditation scheme for student safety, security and wellbeing at UK universities. Twitter: @ProtectED_HEI
May 2018 • happiful • 49
The Conversation | Mental Health Trust
&A Q CAROLYN REGAN
The Mental Health Trust CEO Redefining the Status Quo Each year the Financial Times lists 100 of the most influential LGBT+ leaders and allies who are creating supportive spaces for their employees. With more than 40 years of tackling stigma and discrimination behind her, Carolyn Regan was a worthy addition to the 2017 OUTstanding list, and as CEO of the West London Mental Health Trust (WLMHT), she’s transforming services to provide an open, caring space for all staff and patients. We caught up with Carolyn to find out about LGBT+ visibility in the workplace, the power of art therapy, and the future of Broadmoor Hospital By Kathryn Wheeler
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Happiful HERO
Q
Congratulations on your OUTstanding award. How did it feel to receive that?
Q
Can you tell us about the WLMHT’s ‘LGBT+ Champion’ initiative?
Q
If you could pick one thing that you’re most proud of, what would it be?
Q
LGBT+ Champions wear rainbowcoloured lanyards. What effect does that have?
It was a privilege. As someone who is proudly waving a rainbow flag for the LGBT+ community, this is a very personal achievement for me. I want to ensure that our staff feel safe and comfortable, and as someone who is also out and proud (and has been for a long time) it was a real honour, and I feel truly humbled to be recognised.
I’m a gay parent, and exceptionally proud of my two children.
Q
And does that experience as a parent influence your work?
Q
What practical steps do you take to ensure diversity at your trust?
They help create a culture of openness and transparency, whereby staff, patients and their carers can speak comfortably and without fear of judgement. The initiative has proved very popular, with many staff sporting the lanyards and supporting LGBT+ issues. For example, staff have joined the London Pride event for the last two years – and we will be taking part again this year.
Yes. For 30 years, I’ve supported other gay parents working in the NHS and the public sector.
I’ve been working to challenge prejudice for the last 40 years. I’m really proud of mentoring schemes for candidates from BAME backgrounds, and 50% of our staff come from BAME backgrounds, which reflects the local population. We want to create an environment that welcomes people from all backgrounds. This is why we’ve put in place mandatory training for all senior staff to make sure that, when recruiting to a senior post, they are aware of how unconscious bias can occur and manifest itself in the process. It’s making a real difference to our staff appointments.
I launched the Trust’s first-ever LGBT+ Champion initiative in February last year. Our LGBT+ Champions are staff volunteers who are committed to creating a safe and inclusive space for all. They focus on supporting any staff or patients who might experience discriminatory behaviour.
Q
You’re obviously doing a lot to help others. But throughout your career, have you felt supported as an LGBT+ person? Yes, mostly. There’s been some negative comments in the past, but over time more people are becoming open and welcoming to those who identify as LGBT+.
Our LGBT+ Champions are staff volunteers who are committed to creating a safe and inclusive space for all May 2018 • happiful • 51
The Conversation | Mental Health Trust
Q
Why is it important to have LGBT+ visibility in the workplace?
Q
Is this particularly important in a mental health trust?
Q
You offer art therapy – what makes that service so effective?
Q
The LGBT+ community has been in the shadows for long enough. LGBT+ visibility is needed so that we can celebrate the wonderful diversity that exists in our community. It’s important that we work alongside peers who identify as LGBT+ so that we can try to understand their story, reduce stigma and promote inclusion further. In turn, our staff will be able to better serve patients who might be LGBT+ too.
Mental illness affects the LGBT+ community greatly, and some research suggests that they’re more likely to have mental health problems, often linked to experiences of discrimination and bullying. When patients see a member of staff with a rainbow lanyard, we hope that they’ll be more open with us, and that this helps us to provide better care.
Art therapy is used to help people communicate when they find it difficult to say how they feel. Sometimes, people aren’t good at talking, but if they are offered an alternative form of therapy, like art therapy, it can reduce stress and may help them open up. Art therapy is a powerful way of focusing on the whole person, not just the symptoms of a person’s mental illness. Sometimes, it can help the therapist to identify underlying or suppressed issues and emotions. At Broadmoor Hospital, some of our patients’ art has been displayed on the wards. We feel this gives the patients a sense of pride and purpose.
WLMHT manages Broadmoor Hospital, in Berkshire, which is often talked about as a mysterious, scary place, and mistaken as a prison. Why do you think that has happened? I think in part this is due to the Victorian buildings. Another issue is that we care for patients who have previously offended, and some are high-profile, which means that if Broadmoor is discussed in the media, these individuals and their images are used.
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Art therapy is a powerful way of focusing on the whole person, not just the symptoms of a person’s mental illness
Happiful HERO
But perhaps the biggest reason is that the media are only just starting to change how they talk or write about mental health. The stigma around those with a mental illness has contributed significantly to Broadmoor being seen as a prison that incarcerates those who are “insane” or “crazy”. We are not a prison, and we are very clear that anyone under our care at Broadmoor Hospital is a patient. As one of only three high security mental health hospitals in England, Broadmoor Hospital plays an important role in providing an effective and secure facility for the specialist treatment of patients with severe mental illness or personality disorder.
Q
Q
What services does Broadmoor Hospital offer?
Broadmoor offers much in the way of therapeutic activities for patients and we are focused on their recovery. Social interaction is very important, to make sure patients remain engaged in their treatment and to prevent them from becoming withdrawn. In fact, our latest figures show that the vast majority of patients are now offered 25 hours or more of therapeutic activities per week. Our services include activities that are designed to support each patient’s recovery path – these may be educational, vocational, arts, sports or social activities. We’re in the process of constructing a new, purposebuilt hospital, which will replace the outdated Victorian buildings. The redevelopment will have a major positive impact on patients, staff, services, and quality of care.
What can we do to put an end to the damaging misconceptions about Broadmoor?
It’s important to remember that those under our care at Broadmoor are patients being treated for mental illness. Many patients have themselves been victims of violence and abuse, and our job is to treat the person, not punish the act. The media should be more mindful about the use of language which can often be insensitive and perpetuates stigma and fear around mental illness. Images that depict outdated treatment methods are constantly used. Stigmatising pictures can be as damaging as words when used to illustrate stories about mental health.
The stigma around those with a mental illness has contributed significantly to Broadmoor being seen as a prison that incarcerates those who are ‘insane’ or ‘crazy’
Q
How do people access the services offered by WLMHT, and trusts like it?
If you’re experiencing mental health problems for the first time, and think that you might need treatment, you should speak to your GP, who will be able to refer you to the appropriate services. If you already use our services, you can call our 24/7 Helpline on 0300 1234 244 for help from trained mental health professionals around the clock. Please look on our website for more information about all the services we provide: wlmht.nhs.uk
The New Broadmoor Hospital Opening soon, WLMHT hopes that the new hospital will end the perception of it as an outdated, Victorian “asylum”: • Bright, open, safer wards: a better environment and improved safety for patients and staff. • Central therapy building: allows patients to attend vocational work areas, a physical health suite, and other therapy areas. The design means less escorting, to encourage patients to achieve their 25 hours of meaningful activity, promote independence and recovery. • Ward visit rooms: each ward has a visit room and garden, rather than the current large visitor centre. • Multi-disciplinary offices on wards: people such as psychologists and occupational therapists will be much more accessible. • Improved clinical pathways: better use of resources and improved access to therapy should lead to a better patient experience and reduced lengths of stay.
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Lifestyle & Relationships
Taking Your
Our emotions are much like the British weather: in the morning we may feel sunny, warm and excited for the day ahead, but by the evening we’re cold, a little numb and ready to hibernate. How often do you stop to see what temperature you’re at? Writing | Kat Nicholls
W
e like to think we’re pretty self-aware, but the slightly painful truth is that we’re not. We often think and act on autopilot, which is just the way our brains like to conserve energy. And while this is all well and good for our tired minds, it means we’re losing touch Self-awareness with ourselves and what’s going on is important, internally. Disconnecting in this way can be but it is not a detrimental to our mental health. replacement for Rushing around amidst automatic expert support or thoughts and habitual behaviours means we stop seeing the warning any psychological signs that we need to look after therapy that may be ourselves. We fail to see those red
needed
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flag thoughts frantically waving, trying to warn us that we’re heading towards danger. For some of us, ignoring these warnings leads to stress, fatigue and burnout. For others, it can trigger more severe mental health problems or even relapses. In my case, failing to be self-aware led to a bout of low mood and anxiety. I had a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to help me reconnect with my thoughts and behaviours, and the most important lesson was the importance of self-management and self-awareness. If I was able to recognise my anxiety triggers, uncover the thoughts leading to my physical anxiety symptoms, and act on them, I could more easily manage my anxiety. Of course, part of being self-aware is also knowing when to get professional support.
Self-CARE
Start Here
HOW TO RECONNECT AND TAKE YOUR EMOTIONAL TEMPERATURE
The first step to self-awareness is regularly checking in with yourself. Life moves at such a fast pace, it can be difficult to find the time to pause and pop the hood on your emotions. Try setting yourself regular checkin dates and putting them in your calendar like you would a doctor’s appointment. When the check-in date rolls around, find a temperature-taking tool that suits you, to find out how you’re doing. Note down anything you need to be mindful of, or anything you want to check back in on next time.
TEMPERATURE-TAKING TOOLS
• • • • •
Journaling: write about how you’re feeling Meditation: some quiet time and reflection helps us listen to ourselves Reflection: looking back can help you plan ahead. What have you learnt about yourself? Questioning: ask yourself what you need more or less of Creativity: draw, paint, make music – something that frees your mind
Once you’ve done this, note down any self-care actions you need to make based on your check-in. You may want to work on getting more sleep, take some time off work, or even book a counselling session. If you’re unsure of what to do to get your emotional temperature back to its happy place, speak to someone you trust, or go to your doctor. Getting support in these early stages can be integral to staying well. Alongside these regular checkins, try to embrace a more mindful approach to life. There’s a reason mindfulness has become so popular – it really helps us learn to slow down and listen to ourselves. Use your temperature-taking tools as often as you want; I personally meditate and journal every day, and then reflect at the end of the week to see how I’m feeling and what I want to change the following week.
Rushing around amidst automatic thoughts and habitual behaviours means we stop seeing the warning signs that we need to look after ourselves
KNOW YOUR RED FLAGS
Try to notice what your “red flag” thoughts and behaviours are. These could include struggling to sleep,
Meditation helps us listen to ourselves
constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios, disconnecting from friends, or spending too much time on social media. Whatever they are, try to note them down and be vigilant. When they crop up, have a self-care plan at the ready to get yourself back on track. Whenever you do spot red flags or feel overwhelmed, take some time to look at your self-care routine and what you may need to add to feel better. Sometimes it’s about stripping things back to basics – eating three times a day, drinking enough water, resting when you need to. Sometimes it’s about saying no to social occasions so you can have some alone time, or perhaps saying yes to socialising to connect with the people you love. We’re all different and so self-care will look different to each of us. Being self-aware and taking your emotional temperature regularly will help you understand what it is you need to look after yourself, and ultimately support both your physical and mental health.
It's OK to need help.
Find a counsellor using counselling-directory.org.uk
May 2018 • happiful • 55
(Hu)Man’s Best Friend
Walking the Walk Putting Pooches First
In celebration of National Pet Month, Happiful explores the unconditional love between humans and dogs, and the ways in which we can help protect our canine community
I
knew the moment I laid eyes on him that we had to be together. It was something about the way he stood, his head at an angle and his tongue poking out from the side of his mouth. I called my husband and told him that I’d found the one. A month later, after getting to know each other through trips out to the park, I bought Pip home. A 10-yearold, toothless Yorkshire Terrier, who quickly became the love of my life. Strange things happened after giving Pip a home. Walking him around the park, we’d find ourselves in conversation with strangers about our dog, their dog, places to walk, as well as times groups met locally to socialise with their pooches. We started getting up earlier, walking for longer and having the kind of conversations about dog poo I would never have imagined would become commonplace. Pip brought us so much joy and we did everything to give him a happy home for his later years. He was so loved. Sadly, three and a half years after
56 • happiful • May 2018
Writing | Lucy Donoughue
he came home, Pip left us. We were heartbroken by his death, yet grateful to have had our pint-sized, slightly aloof but totally brilliant bundle of a dog in our lives. Eighteen months after he passed away, Zac arrived, also a rescue and much younger than Pip at just two when he burst through our front door. Zac takes us on long investigative walks, chases mean-looking birds, rolls in muddy puddles and acts like we are rock stars every time we come home. He is a mad mess of energy and affection, and I’m never happier than when I’m outdoors walking with him, seeing the world from his excitable viewpoint. That is my tale of my two rescues. From childhood, I have always had rescue dogs in my life and I believe that adopting is the way to go, if you can. It’s not always easy – you may not know the full range of a dog’s behaviours or experiences – but adopting through a reputable animal home or charity means that you can
be sure that they will put in place the measures needed to ensure you, your family, and your new dog, are happy and safe. Dogs can bring you a lot of happiness, not to mention opportunities for greater access to the outdoors (which is good for physical and mental health), they can help reduce feelings of isolation and provide unconditional affection – if you treat them with love, care and respect, which is what we all deserve, right? To coincide with National Pet Month, Happiful celebrates the stories of unconditional love, respect and support that exist between humans and their canine counterparts, as well as the issues we all need to be aware of.
Lucy with her husband and Pip
Animal WELFARE
Professor Green
M
capabilities, you need to be sensible. People need to be smarter about how they look after their animals and remember that they are animals.” Photography | Instagram @professorgreen
usician and documentarymaker Professor Green lives with his three dogs, Arthur (an Old Tyme Bulldog), Ethel (a Presa Canario) and puppy Frank (an American Bulldog), who all make regular appearances on his Instagram accounts. His adoration for them is obvious with plenty of Insta Stories depicting early morning walks, obedience training, and sofa time. As part of a series of documentaries for BBC Three, Professor Green made Dangerous Dogs, examining dogs currently banned under the Dangerous Dogs Act, speaking with both owners of illegal breeds and the victims of dog attacks, challenging stereotypes and the existing law. His conclusion? “Rather than focusing on a breed, shouldn’t the law instead be focused on bad dogs and bad owners? A lot of people get dogs because of what they give them, but it’s important that you give the dog what it needs too. If you’re going to have a pitbull, or a bully breed – any large dog – you need to be aware of its
A lot of people get dogs because of what the dogs give them, but it’s important that you give the dog what it needs too Professor Green continues to be a huge advocate for responsible ownership, proper canine care, training and nutrition, recently working with Benyfit Natural, visiting and talking to the media at Crufts. Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 57
(Hu)Man’s Best Friend
A
fter losing her beloved beagle Pickle, comedian, writer and presenter Sue Perkins penned a beautiful and heartbreaking open letter to her pooch, detailing their life, adventures and love. She wrote: “You were my longest relationship, although I think any decent psychologist would have deemed us irredeemably co-dependent. You were the engine of my life, the metronome of my day… You were the peg on which I hung all the baggage that couldn’t be named. You were the pure, innocent joy of grass and sky and wind and sun. It was a love beyond the limits of patience and sense and commensuration. It was as nonsensical as it was boundless… Thank you for walking alongside me during the hardest, weirdest, most extreme times of my life, and never loving me less for the poor choices I made and the ridiculous roads I took us down. Thank you, little Pickle. I love you.” Sob. The letter was shared widely online, with thousands of people offering condolences to Sue in her time of need. Sue continues to be a huge dog lover, speaking openly about her adoration for her canine companions on Desert Island Discs and subsequently working with Battersea Dogs Home to highlight the need for stronger animal cruelty sentencing.
We’d love to know how your dog supports your wellbeing, mental and physical health, or just makes you smile. Share your dog tales with us by posting a picture of your pooch on Instagram, using @happiful_magazine and 58 • happiful • May 2018 #happifuldogs
Photography | Featureflash Photo Agency / Shutterstock.com
Sue Perkins
Animal WELFARE
Pete with his Frenchie Eric
Pete Wicks
H
e may be better known at present for his role on reality TV, but it’s the reality of puppy farming and unregulated breeding that Pete Wicks wants to place firmly in the spotlight. Pete’s new book, For the Love of Frenchies (written in association with PupAid, the charity that campaigns against puppy farming) tells the story of his love for his French Bulldogs, Eric and Ernest, and his devastation when he lost Ernest at only three years of age. Ernest’s premature death triggered a need for Pete to understand why he had died so young and any issues that may yet surface with Eric. Pete subsequently The more people began working with animal charities to speak out about who know about the massive responsibility, and that’s the the widespread problem of horrendous issues of most common thing that people don’t unregulated breeding and realise,” says Pete. unhealthy breeding illegal importation. Proper consideration of the breed Pete’s passion for dogs and puppy farming, is Pete’s first piece of advice: “The was obvious when he spoke main thing is researching dog breeds. with Happiful: “I am a huge the closer we can get So many people like the look of a dog lover and, to be honest, to putting a stop to it certain breed, then get the dog home I prefer dogs to people. and realise it doesn’t fit into their Dogs don’t judge you; they lifestyle, it needs three walks a day, aren’t interested in your past, where you’ve been it needs grooming on a daily basis, it needs more and what you look like. Dogs gravitate to good food than expected, which they can’t afford, and so energy and are good judges of character.” they have to give the dog up. It’s incredibly sad and His passion extends far beyond the very common. Owning a dog is not something that companionship of dogs. He’s keen to make should be decided overnight.” sure that people really consider the reality of The horrors of puppy farming is something Pete is having dogs in their lives. “Owning a dog is a keen to impress upon anyone considering bringing a dog into their family. “Knowing where your dog has ‘come from’ is such a key message to get across,” he says. “It’s all well and good getting a new dog, but if you don’t know it’s history, it can be a very different story. A dog from a puppy farm may have health issues and is going to need medical care and attention, which is going to be financially costly. Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 59
(Hu)Man’s Best Friend
Together, we can make a difference Join Happiful in
Walking Out Of Darkness with CLASP Charity
Walk with your family, friends and work colleagues to support people suffering from mental ill-health and help end the stigma, increase mental health awareness, and help create zero-suicide communities across the country. Each walk is a 10-mile route through each city and will feature charities and services offering mental health advice, information, and support.
12 MAY
LONDON
9 SEPTEMBER
BRISTOL
27 MAY
NOTTINGHAM
23 SEPTEMBER
NORWICH
10 JUNE
YORK
7 OCTOBER
BIRMINGHAM
24 JUNE
BRIGHTON
Sign up at walkingoutofdarkness.com 60 • happiful • May 2018
Animal WELFARE
Make A Difference SUPPORT LUCY’S LAW:
Sign the online petition calling for “a ban on third party sales for profit. There are no welfare advantages in selling puppies through commercial dealers, which keep breeding dogs hidden from the public.” The petition needs 100,000 signatures to be considered for debate in Parliament.
#ADOPTDONTSHOP:
Contact a good animal home or charity and take your time – responsible organisations will want you to do this, too. Ideally, you should visit the dog a number of times before adopting, and take family members and other pets to meet the dog. There should also be a home visit to assess suitability. RSPCA, Battersea Dogs Home, DogsTrust and Blue Cross all have extensive information about adopting on their websites.
VOLUNTEER LOCALLY:
You need to meet the mum and dad and know their past. It’s so important for people to understand about the cruel ways that dogs are bred too. Every dog deserves a loving start and home and I really want to get that message across.” Pete’s work with animal charities has cemented his opinion of dog ownership forever. “I know it’s very much down to where you get your dog from, and from that, I will only ever have a rescue dog in the future,” Pete notes. This is just the beginning for Pete in terms of campaigning. Moving forwards, he’s dedicated
to raising awareness of the issues he’s seen first-hand, continuing to support PupAid and campaigning for Lucy’s Law. He finishes our conversation with a challenge for us all: “The more people who know about the horrendous issues of unhealthy breeding and puppy farming, the closer we can get to putting a stop to it.” Thank you Pete, for the voice you are giving to the fight against puppy farming, and the promotion of adoption. ‘For the Love of Frenchies: The Dogs That Changed My Life’ is available in all good bookshops now.
Many animal homes run volunteer schemes for people to help with walking, cleaning or supporting the rehoming of dogs, though you should be prepared to undergo training and commit to a number of hours every week. The Cinnamon Trust is a terrific charity that supports older members of the community who may not be able to walk their dogs because of illness or an operation, by finding them a local willing volunteer dog walker or foster carer.
PASS UP A PRESENT:
Many animal homes have Amazon wish lists to help them provide not just the essentials for their residents, but also comforts such as toys, chews and blankets, which help to relieve stress symptoms and boredom. Instead of making your own birthday, Christmas, or even wedding list, send your friends and family a link to these. Feel good factor all around! National Pet Month runs from 1 April to 7 May 2018, but every day of the year is a good one for responsible pet ownership and kindness. Visit nationalpetmonth.org.uk
May 2018 • happiful • 61
Keeping the Faith
Photography | Kelsey Chance
SLOW THINGS DOWN Sobsa h Sas rin o tg a h ta fe ma sl ig, an l t ris an m. Thi m i l o nid n log tig w fo nin it h 62 • happiful • May 2018
True LIFE
From
homeless to
Feyi’s Story
hopeful
After the breakdown of her relationship, Feyi Jegede found herself as a single mother who became homeless. She turned her life around though, and the mum of four’s resilience saw her become a fitness expert on TV as she learned never to give up in the face of adversity
I
will never forget the day when I returned from work, tired and exhausted, and turned my key into the lock, only to find that I couldn’t get in. I could hear someone moving inside, but I didn’t know who it was. I was frightened and scared and thought about running away, when the door suddenly opened… Let me start from the beginning. I grew up in a home where my mum was a very hard-working and determined woman. She was a single parent and did all that she could to provide for us. I was the eldest of four children and so growing up, there was a lot of responsibility on my shoulders – I guess on all of us. Money was usually tight, but my experiences as a child laid down the foundations of me never giving up and refusing to stay down. After leaving university (and not enjoying my time there), in 2005 I settled down in Essex, where I met my husband a year later. It was a whirlwind romance where we quickly got
married, and within three short years we’d had three children – a boy in 2007, a girl in 2008 and our third child in 2010. Everything seemed wonderful, or so I thought, until six months after giving birth to my third child, my husband walked out of the marriage without so much as a goodbye. I was left to pick up all the pieces with my three children – then aged three, two and six months. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to for help, but I tried to carry on on my own. Then in early 2011, I came up with the unique idea to teach dance classes to both preschoolers and their guardians. The idea was for parents and carers to dance together with their children and have fun, make friends and learn social skills – which, at the time, no other groups or organisations were doing. The idea was born out of spending time with my children, dancing to music and trying to lift up our spirits and myself out of the situation I found myself in. The dance business was called BOPALONG. Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 63
Keeping the Faith
Feyi’s Story The classes kept me going and gave me a lifeline from sinking into despair at the breakdown of my marriage, and I tried my best to stay strong, positive and courageous. It finally seemed like I was making headway in getting my life back on track when I started teaching my classes in 10 children’s centres across Essex. Then one cold day in January 2013, I returned home from teaching a class to find that I could not get into my home. The door was locked and I could not open it despite how many times I tried. I realised that on the other side of the door was a locksmith who was rattling around in my home. He proceeded to tell me that my home had been repossessed by the bank, and that therefore I had to leave. I was devastated, shocked, frightened and utterly broken. I had no idea what to do next. However, I knew that I had to keep calm and not show the fear because I had three small children to break the terrible news to that we no longer had a place to call home. I grabbed a small bag containing some nappies, baby wipes, a change of clothes for the baby, and my Bible (as my faith is really important to me) since I really needed something to hold on to – some light at the end of the tunnel. I was then put into a temporary accommodation for a few days, before being placed permanently into a hostel with my young children. That first night at the hostel, when the kids were tucked up in bed and fast asleep, I finally collapsed and broke down in tears. All the painful memories, worries and anxiousness that I had been carrying around with me since my husband had walked out of the marriage overtook me like a wave. I just could not stop crying that night. My time at the hostel was both a difficult time and a period of awakening for me. On the one hand I was at the lowest I had ever been in my
64 • happiful • May 2018
My home had been repossessed by the bank. I was devastated, shocked, frightened and utterly broken. I had no idea what to do next life, and on the other hand there seemed to be an opportunity to start my life again – albeit under a very slight glimmer of hope. After living at the hostel for six months, the kids and I got the wonderful news that we were going to be re-housed in our own permanent home. I had been given a chance to make a go of my life again. I saw our new home, at this time in my life, as a fresh start to do all the things that I’d always wanted to do, but had been too afraid to try – and I was not going to waste the opportunity. I decided to create my own bucket Feya at the launch of her DVD list of desires and with her three eldest children started working through them – ticking off the things that I had always wanted or dreamed of doing since I was a child. One of my wishes was to create my own professional fitness DVD. I started by uploading workout videos to YouTube, and then by an amazing stroke of luck, a company called New Shoot Media saw what I was doing, liked it and
True LIFE
agreed to produce my very own workout DVD in 2016 – The Bootylicious Workout. The DVD was produced just eight months after giving birth to my fourth child, and it has signified a total change in my life in terms of my outlook on life, my belief system and my confidence in the fact that anything is possible if you set your mind to it. The DVD’s launch was a real success, which led to the amazing opportunity to be a guest on the Chrissy B Show, where I was able to share my story and demonstrate a fitness segment from my DVD. It was such a nerve-wracking but life-changing experience, because from that I was offered the chance to become a fitness expert on the show. Today, I am a busy mum of four kids whom I homeschool, and I have a fitness business called Busy Mum Workouts, helping busy mums and women adopt a healthy lifestyle, and take action to live the life they want in the body they want. I am also a mum to a kidpreneur called Amazing Angel, who is a motivational speaker, a YouTuber and likes inspire other kids to “dream big” – and all this at the age of nine. I know that my children are always watching and looking to me to be a good role model for them – a mum that doesn’t give up and stands strong in the face of challenges and circumstances.
I know that my children are always looking to me to be a good role model for them – a mum that doesn’t give up and stands strong in the face of challenges
Feyi with Chrissy B from ‘The Chrissy B Show’
I know I wouldn’t be here today if I did not have my faith as a foundation to lean on, to depend on and to help me feel strong enough to face the challenges that still come my way. My experiences to date have taught me a lot, and I use them as a springboard to share my story and encourage others, which is something that I am really passionate about. I have learnt on this journey called life that it is important to never stop dreaming and believing that good things can happen to you. Feyi’s DVD ‘The Bootylicious Workout’ is now available on Amazon. To find out more about Feyi, visit her website busymumworkouts.com
Our Expert Says Feyi has had a lot to deal with in her life and, even at her lowest, never gave up hope. Along with that hope, came action. Maybe it was her faith, or having a good role model that gave her strength, but however difficult things got, she always looked for opportunities to make life better. Feyi is clearly a strong woman, and reminds us that wherever we find ourselves in life, we all have the power to change things for the better.
Rachel Coffey BA MA NLP Mstr Reg Ind counsellor
May 2018 • happiful • 65
Food & Drink
Doctor-turned-Instagram star and author Hazel Wallace, aka The Food Medic, on why eating right can make us feel so good Interview | Gemma Calvert
66 • happiful • May 2018
Photography | Jon Payne
The Food Medic
Eating RIGHT
H
azel Wallace was just 14 when her dad suffered a stroke at the dinner table of their family home. He died three days later and for a year, as she struggled to process her grief, Hazel turned her back on eating, and slowly faded away physically and mentally. Depressed, anxious and with a dangerously low BMI, Hazel finally turned to her GP who referred her to a dietitian and, slowly but surely, she rediscovered a love of food, gained weight, and had an epiphany. “That was the moment I realised that food had the power to feed the body and the mind,” says Hazel, 27, from Dundalk, Ireland. “Before that I was a shell of my former self, but by eating I was able to think better, my mood improved and I was able to interact with people again. Food was giving my body fuel but also making me feel so much better on a mental level. If anything, it helped me get through that depression and grief.” At uni, Hazel experienced troubled eating at another extreme. She gained three dress sizes after making the wrong food choices, but transformed her lifestyle by committing to cooking nutritious meals and doing regular, fun workouts. She initially shared her journey on Instagram and then set up her blog, The Food Medic. Now a certified personal trainer and with a growing army of Instagram followers (215k and counting), Hazel’s USP – a daily delivery of tasty, healthy recipes, at-home workouts, plus digestible portions of nutritional research, has made her a trusted health and fitness icon. As she releases her second book, The Food Medic For Life, Dr Hazel Wallace shares some nuggets of nutritional nuance... When did you realise that food could benefit the mind as well as the body? When I was grieving after the loss of my dad. I didn’t fully grieve until I was about 16, and I’d lost a lot of weight because I hadn’t felt like eating. By working with a dietitian through a structured approach, I wasn’t concentrating on healthy food, just whatever food I enjoyed. As I started putting on weight, I felt like I was coming alive again. I fell back in love with food by spending time cooking with my mum. Do you think you had an eating disorder? No, because I never had a distorted body image,
and it wasn’t an issue with food itself. I just stopped caring for myself and eating became a chore. I recovered straight away through just eating, but my BMI did get very low. Did you understand the MH benefits of exercise from a young age? I did every sport under the sun, including field hockey, but when I went to university I stopped. On a couple of levels that affected my mental health because I wasn’t staying active so I wasn’t getting that endorphin-hit and fresh air, but also I didn’t get the sense of community that I got from team sport, so it isolated me. There’s so much evidence that sport can reduce your risk of depression because it keeps your brain active. I now aim to go to the gym three to four times a week and, if not, I can do my sessions at home. What is the connection between food and mental health? If you feed your body well, you’ll feed your mind. Essential fatty acids like Omega 3 are good for brain health, and you find this in oily fishes like tuna and salmon, or in chia seeds and flaxseed. We also know that high fibre foods, such as fruits, vegetables, whole grain and lentils, are good for our brain health because fibre is good for your gut. Our gut and brain are intimately linked through a network of nerves, so if you’ve got a healthy community of good bacteria, it’ll improve your mood. If you are nutrient deficient, it can have a prominent affect on your mental health. If you’re consuming loads of stimulants – caffeine, sugar or alcohol – it will have a negative effect on your brain function because it’ll cause surges and dips in energy. A lot of people find that having a glass of wine will help them sleep better but, actually, it reduces the sleep quality so you wake up less refreshed. How can eating help combat stress? When we don’t eat for a couple of hours we get “h-angry” and that’s because low blood sugar causes irritability. I’d recommend having regular meals, don’t depend on foods that will feel good in the short-term, like sugary and high-fat foods, because they won’t power you through the day. Try to get as much Continues >>>
May 2018 • happiful • 67
Food & Drink
If you feed your body well, you feed your mind
Photography | Ellis Parrinder
68 • happiful • May 2018
Eating RIGHT
CHICKPEA, CARROT AND RED PEPPER CURRY I call this “my little bowl of sunshine” because it’s jam-packed with beautifully vibrant colours from the carrots, peppers, tomatoes and spices. These vegetables are particularly rich in carotenoids, which have been linked to multiple health benefits, especially their protective role in eye health.
Serves: 4 Preparation Time: 5 mins Cooking Time: 35 mins • • • • • • • • • • • •
1 tbsp coconut oil 1 onion, finely sliced 2 garlic cloves, grated 1 tsp garam masala 1 tsp ground turmeric 1 tsp ground cumin ¼ tsp chilli powder ¼ tsp salt 1 tbsp tomato purée 400g tin of tomatoes 2 carrots, peeled and chopped 1 bell pepper (yellow, orange or red) • 400ml tin of reduced-fat coconut milk • 400g tin of chickpeas
To Serve (Optional)
• Brown rice • Large roasted sweet potato, to
stuff with the curry (how I like it)
1. Heat the oil in a large saucepan
and add the onion. Cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic, spices, salt and tomato purée, and stir to combine. Cook for 1–2 minutes.
2. Tip in the tomatoes, breaking
them up with a wooden spoon, and simmer for 10 minutes. Add the carrots and pepper, then pour in the coconut milk and bring to the boil. Simmer for 15 minutes, until the sauce has thickened and the carrots have softened but still have a bite to them.
3. Add the chickpeas and warm through for a further 5 minutes.
Eat immediately, served with rice or stuffed into a baked sweet potato. Alternatively, store in an airtight container in the fridge for last-minute dinners after work.
nutrient-dense food into you as possible. Foods that are high in Omega 3 and foods that are high in Vitamin B12 – meat, fish and eggs – are good for your brain and nerve health as well. Does mindful eating improve health? A lot of people find they have bad digestive symptoms and they put it down to irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Although they may have a diagnosis of IBS, a lot of the symptoms could be managed through stress management. A nerve, called the vagus nerve, goes from our brain to our gut, so when you’re stressed, your gut won’t digest properly. If you relax, take care of yourself, eat slowly and chew your food, you’re less likely to have bloating, constipation and diarrhoea. Did you have therapy after your dad died? I went to one session and found it unhelpful because I didn’t like the manner of the woman. I consider my approach to food and nutrition my therapy. It’s how I keep my mind and body in check. The best way for someone who thinks they’re at risk of having mental health problems is to look after themselves and have safety nets in place – a good, active social life and good nutrition so you’re physically able to deal with stresses – and also practising mindfulness and meditation, which we’re using in the NHS to help deal with recurrent depression. It’s all about changing your mindset and reframing your thinking. I feel like I’m a much stronger person because of how I have tailored my lifestyle. ‘The Food Medic For Life’ by Dr Hazel Wallace is out now. May 2018 • happiful • 69
Food & Drink
The Sweet Stuff Writing | Ellen Hoggard
W
e’re finally seeing blue skies and bright sunshine, so what better way to celebrate than with a delicious dessert that can double as breakfast? Too good to be true, you may think. But no, this recipe is exactly that. Sweet peach, spicy crumble, and your choice of ice cream or yoghurt – heck yes. Over recent years, the focus on health, fitness and what we’re eating has ramped up, big time. Of course, eating well is essential in keeping your body healthy and providing it with the nutrients it needs. But sometimes, we need to focus on our mind, soul and, home of all desserts, the heart. We’re often made to feel guilty about tucking into our favourite foods, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to indulge a little. In fact, letting yourself enjoy the food you want – not need – can often be just as beneficial as getting your five a day. To us, dessert is something to bond over. The sudden, intense moment of pleasure as
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We don’t know about you, but for us, summer is all about friends, family and making memories. As we bask in the rare British sunshine, parties and picnics soon appear, putting our hosting abilities to the test. You’ve got the snacks ready and the BBQ is on – but what's next? Dessert, of course. the sweetness touches your lips is something to relish. It marks the end of an evening of fun and laughter, memory and celebration. Dessert is a moment of luxury and this recipe will make you feel like royalty – if only for a moment.
NUTRITIONAL THERAPIST SONAL SHAH SAYS:
What if I told you that yes, you can have a dessert and not feel guilty after? If you’re looking to lose weight, there is no need to deprive yourself – you can still eat the foods you love! All of your favourite foods can be made healthier – from ice cream to cakes, chocolate and jelly. When your appetite and diet is balanced, you won’t need large portion sizes or crave foods – rest assured that you can eat desserts and still achieve your health goals. We often crave desserts to boost serotonin levels – the chemical that elevates our mood. When tired, we fancy a pick-me-up, and if we’ve had a high-carb meal, our blood sugars can drop, making us crave something sweet as an energy boost.
This peach crumble is an example of a healthy dessert that will not only satisfy your sweet craving, but also fill you up and elevate your mood. Peaches are a nutrient-rich, tasty and versatile fruit, containing vitamin A, vitamin C and B vitamins. The oats provide a wholesome source of carbohydrates and fibre, which is satiating and good for digestion, and the pecans will give the crumble a nice, crunchy bite! The yoghurt contains protein and calcium, though if you’re wanting a more indulgent dessert, Greek yoghurt and ice cream are fine in moderation. If you’re vegan or dairyintolerant, then soya or coconut ice cream is a great alternative. Remember, desserts don’t have to be sweet tasting. If you prefer savoury, then some cheese and crackers or salted nuts are fine to consume. A packet of crisps or chips that you can bake from home, like kale or vegetable crisps, are another option. Sonal is a nutritional therapist and health tutor. She has been director of Synergy Nutrition since 2009 and consults privately, runs independent nutrition workshops, and is a regular guest on TV.
Healthy TREATS
INGREDIENTS Peach crumble Serves 4 Filling: 4 peaches 2 tbsp raisins 2 tsp cinnamon Vanilla essence Crumble: 2 cups porridge oats ½ cup chopped pecans 2 tbsp honey 1 tbsp coconut oil To serve: Vanilla ice cream or full-fat natural yoghurt
METHOD Preheat oven to 180 degrees, Gas Mark 4. Peel and slice the peaches. In a bowl, add the raisins, cinnamon and vanilla essence. Mix together and transfer to your baking dish. Melt the coconut oil. Combine with the oats, pecans and honey. Sprinkle over the peach filling. Bake in the oven for 25–30 minutes until golden and bubbling. Serve warm, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. So, we had a little left over. We popped it in the fridge and added to a bowl of natural yoghurt in the morning. Find a It was a qualified delicious and professional: satisfying breakfast, search perfect for nutritionista sunny resource. Sunday morning. org.uk May 2018 • happiful • 71
Relationships & Lifestyle
The body-positive book the next generation needs:
Big Bones Blunt, self-aware, and overwhelmingly confident, Bluebelle ‘BB’ is the kind of teen we all wish we’d been Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
“
W
e are waiting to be told I’m fat… I don’t mind getting on the scales, because I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing to be embarrassed about and nothing to take me by surprise. I have a pair of eyes; I know my own body.” Teen and young adult fiction isn’t exactly bereft of novels that cover eating disorders; bulimia and anorexia are often covered as central storylines and subplots across a variety of books for pre-teen girls and up. When it comes to plus-size stories though, protagonists who are fat, happy, and proud of themselves are pretty rare to come by – I couldn’t have named one book that combined all three. That is, until I picked up a copy of Laura Dockrill’s latest novel, Big Bones.
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Bluebelle, aka BB, is big, bold and beautiful, entering that limbo between the end of school and her GCSEs, and moving on to start the next step towards adulthood. After
Big Bones isn’t your typical coming-of-age story a health scare and an accident turns family life upside down, BB must keep a food diary and is encouraged to start going to the gym regularly.
“I embrace my body. It’s mine… What I see in the mirror is a beautiful, healthy young woman with a positive attitude towards food,” says BB. Big Bones isn’t your typical coming-of-age story though. It’s got all the standard elements you would expect from a book of this genre – love, family struggles, dependable friends – but it’s got so much more. At its core, Dockrill’s novel is all about the self – self-love, self-appreciation, and self-esteem. It’s about finding and owning your strength. Loving who you are, how you look, and ignoring the haters who send lingering, judging looks, or use backhanded compliments as their weapons of choice. Dockrill has created the kind of book I wish I could have read as
Book REVIEW
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wonderfully sarcastic. BB asks the questions that have crossed plussize minds around the world, showing the little everyday injustices fat people face, and au ra D reflecting the raw ockrill emotions and hidden self-doubt even the most confident among us feel at times. Beneath the self-confidence and bravado, even self-aware and puttogether young women like BB have moments of uncertainty. She is a painfully real character who anyone that’s ever needed a confidence boost, or a reminder to practise a little self-love, can learn from. I want to leave you with one final quote from BB; one that perhaps summarises the whole feel and resounding message left by Dockrill’s outstanding novel: “I am proud to be a girl. Because that’s a fact. But prouder that I love myself. Because that’s a choice.”
L or Auth
Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls: A Handbook for Unapologetic Living Blogger Jes Baker shares her own experiences, with special guests, on everything from social media to body shaming
a teen, when Jacqueline Wilson’s Girls series was the closest I could get to finding a slightly-pudgy leading lady. BB’s blunt, straightforward attitude and acceptance of who she is is beyond refreshing; it’s inspiring. She’s more confident and put together than most twentysomethings I know, yet her voice remains completely authentic and believable for a girl of only 16. BB’s outstanding personality isn’t Big Bones only shining point. While Dockrill avoids pitfalls many media portrayals of fat characters edge towards (at no point is BB reduced to a “fat, funny friend”), she subtly portrays challenges overweight people face, and raises a question that many of us have wondered at one point or another: why is it so hard to grasp that food can be a challenge for some people? While not outright bullied, Bluebelle thinks of the way girls stare when she eats at school or is in the changing room before PE. Her discussion of the hatred of the term “bubbly” to describe fat girls with a smile rings so true, it’s painfully honest, and readers can’t help but feel more closely connected with BB. BB speaks of this wonderful, unspoken sisterhood that we should have, but often don’t. How we should support each other, and recognise others’ self-confidence and celebrate self-love. Through BB, Dockrill manages to explain why being thin or conforming isn’t for everyone, all without making those who do fit into the “media-perfect” mould seem as though they are being looked down on. Big Bones reflects an innermonologue that is relatable, authentic, and often
BIG BONES
Written by Laura Dockrill Available from 8 March 2018 (RRP £6.99) Teens will love… BB’s authentic, frank, funny tone, and inspirational levels of self-confidence, self-love, and self-awareness. Young adults will love… the no-shame approach, immersive narrative, and raw, honest feel. Parents will love… the relatable struggle of BB’s mother who feels responsible for her daughter’s weight, health, and emotional wellbeing. May 2018 • happiful • 73
Lifestyle & Relationships
CHARLI
HOWARD Facing down the industry standard
At 5ft 8in tall, and a UK size 6, Charli Howard was deemed ‘too big’ by her modelling agency, and was dropped in 2015. Having gone to extreme measures to keep her weight low, this was the last straw for Charli, and she published a powerful social media post, calling out problems in the industry, that went viral. Now, two years later, she’s an advocate for body positivity, and in February released her first book, ‘Misfit’, documenting her journey through anorexia, bulimia, and anxiety Interview | Kathryn Wheeler
A
t the start of your book, you warn that you’re going to use words that some may find offensive. Why was it important for you to talk about your illness in your own words? When I call myself cray-cray, or bonkers, or mental, it’s just a humorous thing. I always try to make fun of myself. If you don’t make fun of yourself, how do you deal with your illness? I’d just cry. You dedicated Misfit to “all the girls who ever felt their bodies weren’t good enough”. Why? Because there are so many girls just like me. They have so much pressure on them to be a certain size, and we need to build them up in other ways. Talk to them about being a good friend, or developing a career. Don’t just tell them to be pretty. You describe your eating disorder as a “fashionable illness”. What does that mean? People are fascinated by women in the media who’ve had eating disorders. These women are suffering, but the media, and agents, make out it is
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a choice for fashion. I remember comments from agents who would say: “You need to look anorexic, but not be anorexic.” That’s horrific, and you could never imagine anyone saying that kind of thing, but people do. How did you take a step back from the industry to recognise you had an illness? It sounds far fetched, but this is honestly what happened: I remember going into the bathroom after being dropped from my agents, and looking at myself in the mirror. I suddenly knew I wasn’t overweight. I was a lot thinner than most girls were, so why did I see myself as morbidly obese? A year later I started going to cognitive behavioural therapy, which helped me to understand my thoughts. I used to attack myself all the time, and that’s not going to help anyone get anywhere. Since joining the body positivity movement, do you receive less body shaming? It’s weird. I feel like there’s different forms of it. I run a charity called the All Women Project, and
Model BEHAVIOUR
I think women of all shapes and sizes can feel insecure
we put these pictures on Twitter when it first started – they’re all untouched images of women from size zero to 16. We got abuse from people who thought our models weren’t big enough, and so couldn’t understand body insecurity. But I think women of all shapes and sizes can feel insecure. Speaking up about problems in the industry has opened new doors for you, and taken you into the body positivity movement. Did you expect that? No, and it’s weird how life works out. Going into the body positivity movement wasn’t on my mind. I never wanted to be the size I am now; it was my biggest fear. But I am this size, and I get to help other girls by talking about my own experiences. I think this is something that was meant to happen in my life. Why do you think people responded so well to you when you did speak up? I think it was a conversation that we needed to have. I wasn’t the only one who had dealt with it, but I was open to talk about it. I certainly wasn’t the first, and I won’t be the last. Charli’s book ‘Misfits’ is available now, RRP £12.99, Penguin. Follow Charli on Instagram @CharliHoward
May 2018 • happiful • 75
Happiful Hack
6
THOUGHTFUL TIPS
Overcoming depression with
Positive Psychology It is easy to forget, but staying happy and feeling good about ourselves and our relationships can be the key to preventing and treating mental illness Writing | Miriam Akhtar
P
ositive psychology focuses on the science of what keeps us happy and mentally healthy. The beauty of this approach, to both prevent and treat depression, is that it’s natural and there’s solid scientific evidence to back it up. It’s based on properly researched techniques and a positive mindset that can keep depression at bay.
1
LEARNING OPTIMISM
Think like an optimist when things go wrong, to challenge the pessimism that accompanies depression. This can help minimise the negative impact on your emotions caused by an adverse event. Try the following three steps: • Expand your focus to think of all the other factors that might have played a role in causing the negative event. • Look at the evidence of how things change and remind yourself how “this too shall pass”. It may not be forever. • Think of the bigger picture. You might have had a disappointment in this area of life, but what other parts are working better?
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2
POSITIVE CONNECTIONS
What some of the happiest people on the planet have in common is that they are highly social and have strong relationships. Yet when depression strikes, we can end up isolating ourselves. One great way to nurture your relationships is to actively remind yourself of someone’s good points, whether it’s their loyalty, energy or sense of humour. To help deepen the bonds in all types of relationships: • Spend time together sharing interests and activities. • Pay close attention to the details of their life, so that you appreciate their likes and dislikes. • Collaborate on a joint task. • Show them the real you.
What some of the happiest people on the planet have in common is that they are highly social and have strong relationships
Life LESSONS
3
4
VITALITY: THE MIND–BODY CONNECTION
When you’re depressed it can seem like a superhuman effort to experience the mildest of positive emotions. This is where physical activity is your friend. Moving your body produces endorphins, feel-good hormones that lift your mood naturally, so that you’re more able to think positively. The key is to find a physical activity that is more pleasure than pain. Think about what puts you in the “flow”, that state where you’re completely absorbed in what you’re doing. Sportspeople call it being “in the zone”, but you can also get it from dancing, gardening or martial arts.
BUILDING RESILIENCE
Resilience means having the ability to deal with difficulty and bounce back. Tackling the negative beliefs that pull us down, and adopting healthier ways of thinking, are at the heart of what it takes to be resilient. You can also learn resilience from other people and the strategies they use to get through tough times. I have a friend who devours books about great feats of endurance whenever she’s down. She finds it comforting to read about people who’ve sailed around the world single-handedly, or survived being kidnapped. It puts her own misfortunes into perspective.
5 PRACTISING MINDFULNESS
Mindfulness is about being fully awake to the here and now, and being conscious of how body and mind affect each other. Bringing even a tiny bit of awareness to a single moment can help to break the chain of events that lead to chronic unhappiness. Begin by choosing some routine activity that you do, and try to do it mindfully, bringing a moment-by-moment awareness to the task: • Whenever possible, do one thing at a time. • Pay full attention to what it is you’re doing. • When your mind wanders, gently bring it back.
6 ACTS OF KINDNESS
Acts of kindness are win-win situations, because not only do they help others to feel good, but they make you feel good too. Altruism is just as beneficial for your own psychological health as it is for your relationships. Doing good things for people may seem counter-intuitive when you’re feeling down, but it really does work – whether it’s offering support to someone in need, or contributing your time to a worthy cause. It's a way of distracting yourself from your own problems, and from rumination, overthinking what’s gone wrong, which is a risk factor for depression.
Miriam Akhtar is the author of 'Positive Psychology for Overcoming Depression' (Watkins) published on 19 April. Find out more at positivepsychologytraining.co.uk and follow Miriam on Twitter @pospsychologist
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Don’t Man Up – Speak Up
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True LIFE
Phil’s Story
Trigger Warning: Please be aware that this article contains descriptions that relate to sexual abuse that some readers may find upsetting.
Fighting for the rights of
male abuse victims After a traumatic childhood, with bullying at school and violence at home, Phil Mitchell thought he’d found someone to rely on when, at just 16, he started dating an older man. But the relationship became abusive – something that Phil couldn’t see at the time. Now trained as a counsellor, Phil is speaking up for other boys and men who’ve been abused
B
efore the age of 21, I experienced various forms physical and emotional abuse, including violence, child sexual exploitation, and rape. During my adolescent years I had, to put it mildly, a very difficult time. I was violently bullied in school, I attempted to take my own life on two occasions, and I ended up being separated from the other students by being sent to work in a room on my own. I eventually joined a youth group for young LGBT+ people. At first I thought this was pretty amazing, however, after the group meeting was over, many of us would go to a local, trendy gay bar. We thought we were pretty grown up, and no one told us that being under 16 and frequenting these venues was a problem. I now look back
and realise that the lack of boundaries was a contributing factor in what happened to me. In the bar I would see other boys, all aged under 18, being chatted up by men in their 50s. This seemed to be “the norm”. One of the boys, who I shall refer to as Tom, was quite open about the fact that he was being paid by older men to have sex with them. I remember changing my mind from seeing Tom as a “dirty prostitute”, to a genius who was killing two birds with one stone by getting loads of sex and loads of money. A few months later, I found out that Tom had been paid for sex by a man who abused him, and later murdered him. I eventually met an older man – I’ll call him Mike – in the bar. He was an attractive man, and in his late 20s or early 30s. Continues >>>
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Don’t Man Up – Speak Up
Phil’s Story He presented himself as a confident, successful charmer, and I fancied him straight away. At this point – I was 16 – I’d left home after experiencing violence, and was living in a bedsit. I’d given up going to college, and was working full-time in retail to pay my rent. When I met Mike, I told him about the violence I’d experienced at home and school, and he instantly empathised. Not only did he understand my situation, he flirted with me and made me feel attractive and good about myself. This was one of the few times in my life that someone helped to put a smile on my face. Mike started coming round to my bedsit, buying me presents, paying me compliments and making me feel loved and accepted. We’d play games on my PlayStation and cuddle up watching TV together. But it wasn’t long before Mike started turning up with other men; men who I had never met before. He would text me saying he was outside Phil as a teenager my front door and that he had a surprise for me. I responded with surprise and uncertainty when I answered the door and saw him standing there with an unknown male in his 40s. He introduced the man and said that he liked playing the same PlayStation games as me. I thought it was a bit weird and, to be honest, a bit rude, but I didn’t want to rock the boat. I thought that I’d done well to end up with such a handsome and successful boyfriend, so why would I do anything to ruin that? Mike brought four men round on four separate occasions, and he pressured me into giving all of them oral sex. At the time, I remember it feeling very weird, but Mike was an amazing manipulator. He told me that it was normal to have lots of sex and that it was just a bit of fun. He told me how I should be grateful because: a) he was my boyfriend allowing me to have sex with other men; and b) these men were interested in me and no one else. Mike would occasionally get aggressive, but never violent. None of the men were ever violent.
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I remember my heart beating fast and feeling all the blood rush from my stomach to my limbs as I was performing oral sex, or as I now see it, being abused. Mike told me that those feelings were normal. I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as abuse. I wasn’t being hurt or violently forced into performing sex. Yes, I was being pressured, but I didn’t think that was abuse. I remembered what happened to Tom, but Mike told me that I had him to look after me and that Tom had no one. He also said that Tom was being paid for sex and that I wasn’t, so it was a completely different situation.
A child who feels unloved will endure large amounts of abuse for a small amount of love I didn’t want to have sex with any of these men, but I went along with it to keep Mike happy. People ask: “Why did you put up with it?” The answer is simple. I was a child and he was an adult. At the time, I didn’t think Mike was treating me badly. He was giving me everything I’d ever wanted and that I’d never had before – love, acceptance, happiness, support, understanding. The problem was that I didn’t get any of that without emotional blackmail, mind games and pressure that Phil speaking out about male sexual abuuse resulted in sexual abuse. A child who feels unloved will endure large amounts of abuse for a small amount of love. I didn’t really know what abuse was, and I didn’t know that Mike’s fake displays of affection weren’t real love. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on at the time. Part of me knew it was “weird”, but I wasn’t really sure what I would say. The last man Mike brought round was a bit rougher than the others, and when I said stop, he laughed and said: “Oh he wants me
True LIFE
to stop.” That’s when I knew I had to get out of the situation. I acted differently with Mike – becoming more distant with him. I cut off communications; I stopped texting him, and didn’t respond to his calls or messages. I suspect he knew that I was angry and upset because he stopped trying to get in touch. A few months later, when I was feeling lonely, I tried to contact him but he had changed his number. Fast forward to a few months before my 21st birthday, and I was on a night out. A drunken me ended up wandering off and meeting a man who I believed was a bouncer. He said he would help me into a taxi, but he ended up taking me to a bridge and forcing me to give him oral sex. I’m often asked, why did I tell the police (who responded by blaming me) about the bouncer, but not about what happened with Mike? I saw both incidents as completely separate with nothing in common. It was only during my counselling training that I realised I had been abused by Mike and the bouncer, just in different ways. After a lifetime of abuse – from being bullied in school, to beaten up at home – I tried to take my own life. I then sought counselling. It was only after I was raped that I started to think about my abuse at the hands of Mike. I had seen them both as completely different situations, but I realised they were both sexually abusive with lots of power and control. Once I realised that the situations had a lot more in common, I started to accept that I was abused as a child. I now work as a counsellor/psychotherapist, with a specific focus on boys and men affected by recent or historic rape, abuse and sexual exploitation. I find that perceptions around masculinity, gender stereotypes, and people’s ideas on what it means to be male, often feature in therapy sessions. My job is to explore this with the client, identify how it may be acting as a barrier to positive change, and help the client develop a healthier perception of masculinity. Working with boys and men, and their ideas about what it means to be male, can present an added challenge. I didn’t tell anyone what happened to me as a child, even when I realised it was abuse, because of the bad experience I’d had of disclosing
rape to the police, and I partly believed men should just “man up”. It’s important to not blame victims for the abuse they’ve suffered. We need to understand the situation from their point of view, not our’s. The first time I shared my story, I felt very nervous, as people I’d worked with for years had no idea what had happened to me, but it also felt incredibly empowering. Moving forward, I will continue to raise awareness of, and tackle, the sexual abuse and exploitation of boys and men. I have recently started talking about my experiences publicly, have contributed to various publications, and featured in a number of documentaries – most recently BBC’s documentary Male Rape: Breaking the Silence. I also deliver training across the country, addressing male abuse, and supervise therapists working with abused children and adults. Everyone’s experience is so unique, but I would encourage all boys and men to talk more. A lot of males think they have to “man up”, but I have a saying: man up means shut up; shut up means bottle up; bottle up means put up (or put ’em up); and then eventually you f*ck up. Don’t man up – speak up. You can find out more about Phil and his practice at counsellingwithphil.co.uk. Phil will be sharing his story throughout April across locations in Yorkshire – find out where he’s speaking at counsellorinleeds.co.uk
Our Expert Says As Phil makes clear, a person who is abused is never to blame. Abusers are manipulative and invalidating, enabling their abuse to continue. Phil’s account shows the importance of trusting our own instinct; if something feels wrong, pay attention to that feeling. I hope that others can be empowered by what Phil has shared, and find ways to speak their truth and find freedom from the power of abuse, both past and present. Fe Robinson MUKCP (reg) MBACP (reg) psychotherapist and clinical supervisor
May 2018 • happiful • 81
Lifestyle & Relationships
How to have a
mindful engagement
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement and jump head-first into wedding planning, but are we missing out on important milestones along the way? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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Wedding PLANNING
ure “ F ig
h at m w t u o
a t te r s t o yo u b o t h, t h e n
W
edding planning season is just coming to a close, making way for one of the busiest and most popular times of the year for couples to have their big day. With the royal wedding a few short weeks away, it’s amazing to think that they (with a little help) have planned everything in six short months. The average UK wedding now costs an eyewatering £33,884, not to mention the average spend of £2,083 on the engagement ring alone (rising to more than £3,000 for Londoners). With almost 40% of brides’ parents and more than 50% of grooms’ parents no longer helping with wedding costs, the “most important day of your lives” is starting to look more like a massive financial burden and period of intense stress, and less like a cause for celebration. Four months into my own engagement, with our big day looming 18 months away, it still doesn’t seem like enough time to get everything organised and in place. In my mind, I had this picture of our friends and families being laid-back and just happy to celebrate with us. I’d somehow forgotten one of the most important lessons in life: everyone has an opinion – and often, they want to share it. Loudly. Once the big question is out of the way, it’s easy to stay swept up in the excitement and rush straight to social media to share the good news. Within an hour of saying yes,
th in k
abo
ut e
v er
y th
i ng
els
e”
Everyone has an opinion – and often they want to share it. Loudly
we’d both posted a handful of photos to Facebook, updated our status, grabbed our first wedding magazine, and rushed to make it to our gate for a 12hour flight – where we spent the next four hours solidly dissecting friends weddings, making tentative plans, and grinning like idiots. By the time we touched down in Narita, Japan, we had a couple of hundred well-wishing messages between us to sift through, with one big question looming from all directions: when’s the big day? To help you tackle some of the stress that is bound to come up from the moment the question is popped, we’ve put together a few simple tips to help you have a more mindful, in-themoment engagement period. Continues >>>
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Lifestyle & Relationships
Take a break
Get away from it all – just the two of you. If possible, take an extended weekend together, escape for a week, or even just grab a day alone, away from friends and family. Spend time together appreciating this new stage in your relationship – as soon as you share the good news, you will be flooded with well-wishing, well-meaning, but potentially overbearing comments from friends and family.
Take the time to enjoy your engagement, and try not to see it as just a stop-gap until your big day
Step away from social media
Do you really need to share the happy news the moment it happens? Or do you want to preserve the moment for just the two of you a little bit longer? We managed to find a happy middle-ground; we shared on social media fairly quickly, then logged-off for some uninterrupted us-time. Once you hit that button on social, things stop being about just the two of you, and the way is opened up for outside demands and influences.
Remember, it’s not a race
Take the time to enjoy your engagement, and try not to see it as just a stop-gap until your big day. My first instinct was to grab the nearest bridal magazine and jump right in. My other half proposed a month ban on wedding planning and discussions after the initial excitement settled down. I wasn’t on board with the idea at first, but have come to realise it was quite possibly the best thing we have done so far. It gave us space to enjoy, relax, and fend off initial questions without giving away any little details we wanted to keep as a surprise, or give in to family expectations.
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Set an objective
What’s the main “goal” for your engagement and wedding? It may sound a bit corporate, but it has helped us immensely. For me, I want to be married before hitting 30 and my mum to walk me down the aisle. My partner wants to keep things classy without losing that personal touch. We both want to celebrate with the people who matter to us the most, rather than putting on a big party for extended family and distant friends. Try to find that one thing (or two, or three) that matters most about your big day. For some of our friends, a longer engagement so they could save for a house deposit first was important. Another set of friends eloped and got married on a glacier (an idea I hastily ruled out when spotting my other half ’s research into a similar option). Figure out what matters to you both, then worry about everyone else.
Wedding PLANNING
Focus on your time together
The 2017 UK Wedding Report found that: 35% of couples changed their relationship status within 24 hours of getting engaged Couples are together an average of 4 years before getting married Almost 60% of mothers of the bride are involved in wedding planning Only around 30% of mothers of the groom get involved with wedding planning Couples are engaged an average of 20 months before tying the knot More than 50% of couples ask for cash instead of a gift Almost 60% of couples invite 50–100 guests to their big day
There’s a lot of pressure to plan “the happiest day of your lives”. But what benefit does that pressure, or those expectations, have for either of you, really? Most couples give themselves an average of 20 months before tying the knot. While it may seem like a squeeze to get everything planned in time, try not to put your lives on hold until after the big day. Spend time with friends and family without focusing on wedding planning. Declare a few weekends wedding-free. We’ve spaced out at least one weekend a month, every month, where there will be no wedding talk, just time together for the two of us. It’s not only relaxing, but refreshing, and often leaves us both happier to get back to planning, feeling less stressed when the next week rolls around.
Keep in mind that they mean well
Inevitably – everyone from your best friend to your third cousin you only see at Christmas – will have an opinion about your wedding. From warnings that weddings are just a money-trap, to suggestions you should lose weight to look your best in the photos, some of the well-meaning suggestions will likely strike a negative chord. Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Remember: this is about you, as a couple, together. You can handle it together. If any persistent offenders keep speaking up, it could be worth setting boundaries by having a quiet word as a couple with them. They may not realise how their words are coming across, and may be willing to take a step back.
Think: what’s one day?
It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement, but it’s good to remember: you’re getting married to the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with – that’s much bigger than one day. This is your forever-person. Take some time to bask in your us-ness. That’s what you’ll remember in the long run, not which font you used on the table settings, how many likes you got on Facebook, or what that first bridal magazine had to say.
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SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER “It od be h a ve f i s’t o t te pe lo.” — Sten Hin
Emotional SUPPORT
Expert Opinion
How can you help someone you love who is experiencing anxiety? With anxiety being the second most prevalent mental illness affecting the UK population, chances are you know someone who is, has, or will, experience it. So how can you best support them? >>> Writing | Samantha Hearne
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Lifestyle & Relationships
A
ccording to the Mental Health Foundation’s Fundamental Facts About Mental Health 2016, 19.7% of people in the UK aged 16 and over displayed symptoms of anxiety or depression in 2014. And beyond those directly experiencing the impact of anxiety, are the wealth of family members, friends, colleagues and people around individuals with the condition whose lives are also affected by this mental illness. For those people who want nothing more than to make their loved one smile again and feel comfortable, supporting them through their anxiety can feel a little scary and overwhelming at times. This article is for the supporters, the loved ones, the family and friends that see anxiety every day, by sharing four strategies that you can implement, from today, and start feeling like your efforts and love are having a positive impact and purpose when facing anxiety.
1. DON’T FILL THE SILENCE
It is a natural instinct to want to fill the silence when someone is upset. Feeling like you should have all the answers and know just what to say, in that very moment. When your loved one is experiencing anxiety, they want to feel that they’re being heard, that someone cares, and that they’re not alone. Being fully present is the best gift you can give. Knowing that they can share openly, cry honestly, and explain all of the irrational and controlling thoughts that pass through their mind, is priceless in that moment. Saying nothing can and does hold just as much impact, which can be better than saying lots of things in a panic and with uncertainty. Giving reassurance and verbal prompts is enough to provide your loved one the reminder of security: • • • • •
“I am here.” “You are not on your own.” “We can work through this together.” “Just breathe, I am with you.” “We will get through this.”
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These statements have no emphasis on the current situation, the anxiety itself, or distract from that very circumstance. You mean them all, they are all true, and you can say them with conviction and love. These words are so powerful and mean so much to your loved one, instead of questions, comments and statements that relate to their actual thoughts – which they will know are irrational or extreme, because the anxiety is talking!
2. PHYSICAL CONTACT
Physical contact speaks so much louder than words when anxiety is present. That physical touch automatically reminds your loved one of some fundamental truths. • •
You are there and they are not alone They are in the present, and can be grounded and brought back to that space
It can be easy to want to cuddle your loved one and hold them until the emotion and anxiety fades. However, the most effective way to support them is to show physical contact in a way that still allows your loved one to freely express their emotions, without feeling the need to stop so that you don’t worry for them. Holding their hand, stroking their back, or placing your hand on their leg or neck, is a physical sign that you are there for comfort, but you are not going into “protection mode”, which can innately make the loved one feel guilty for making you feel bad or worried for them.
3. IT ISN’T PERSONAL
If your loved one has expressed their need to be alone – grant them this. Create a time limit with them, and say that you will come back in five minutes, 10 minutes, or any time that is comfortable for you, and try again. Sometimes they will just need time to get “the worst” out, and feel they can do so without guilt or judgement. As long as you create a time limit, you and they know there is an endpoint. Your loved one knows they won’t be alone for too long, and you can prepare to offer support, as well as respect their need for space if they request it.
Emotional SUPPORT
When your loved one is experiencing anxiety, they want to feel that they’re being heard, that someone cares, and that they’re not alone
4. HONESTY AND RATIONALISATIONS
Always be honest. If you don’t know what to say, tell your loved one that. The last thing they need is to feel like you are just there because you feel obliged. By being your genuine self, being open, honest and real, they will find comfort in this and know that your care is authentic and this is something you can work through together. Ensure you always create rational thoughts for your loved one, when they are least able to create them for themselves. When they make statements like “I will never feel better”, “I just can’t see a way forward from this feeling”, or “Why is it always me?”, you will need to step in and become their voice of reason. Remind them of their progress, their successes, their good days and happy memories, their value, their relationships, their strength. Remind them that every emotion fades and this one will too. It is OK to take time to feel down, but always remember you will get back up and feel better. These conversations are honest, but also rational, and your loved one will need this in bucket loads at times, so be sure to become the grounding force for them during those times. Samantha Hearne is a contributing writer, and the founder of A Happy Mind (ahappymind.co.uk). Follow her on Instagram @a.happy.mind
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Happiful Hero
Helping Children Heal from Trauma:
The Exceptional Volunteer Nominated by her colleague, Louise Reid, Caroline Jessel is working to offer children and families holistic therapy to heal from trauma
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ot every childhood is happy, and research shows that 50% of mental health problems are established by the age of 14. Dandelion Time is a charity based in Maidstone, Kent, that offers support to children and their families as they work through difficulties and traumas. Engaging with children from a range of backgrounds, including those from foster families, Dandelion Time offers oneto-one and group sessions where families can experience animal care, gardening, art, music, cooking and much more. It’s hoped that by offering sessions where families can engage with the natural world, with the guidance of skilled therapeutic staff, the children’s sense of responsibility and self-worth will develop as they learn to nurture the animals and vegetables they work with. For 15 years, Caroline Jessel has been working tirelessly to raise awareness and funds for the charity. “She’s amazing,” Caroline’s colleague, Louise tells us. “She’s always so innovative and our events are always successful.” For a small charity, fundraising in Send your the local community is essential in nominations to order for them to continue offering their hello@happiful.com life-changing services. In the early days of Caroline’s volunteering, she organised a Midsummer Ball and raised more than £125,000 that Louise believes, without a doubt, secured the future of the charity at a time when statutory funding was significantly decreasing.
Do you know an unsung hero?
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“We feel so lucky to hav e her” Caroline (left) with Jan e Angell-Payne, Financial Lead and Company Sec retary of Dandelion Tim e
“Caroline inspires us with her enthusiasm and commitment. She’s constantly coming up with new ideas and ways to engage people with our cause,” says Louise. “Our indoor-rowathon was one of Caroline’s great ideas. We’ve run it for four years now, and local schools and businesses join in. Last year the event ran for five days, raising more than £10,000 – which goes directly to helping the children and families we support.” Under the guidance of Caroline, and with the support of the community, local MPs, and most recently Chris Packham, Dandelion Time continues to offer lifechanging experiences to children across the county. “Caroline’s commitment and hard work is second to none,” says Louise. “We feel so lucky to have her.”
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Photography | Noah Buscher
“Wit lo, we d a t or.” — Ger Har