Happiful Issue 85

Loud proud

There’s no age limit on letting your true self shine

A step in the right direction

Why is walk and talk therapy so powerful?

Repeat after me

The surprising habit that could be soothing your anxiety

Vulnerability masterclass

How to bare your soul without fear of rejection holding you back

“Nature is the purest portal to inner peace

ANGIE WEILAND CROSBY

Photograph | Josh Hild

Authenticity guaranteed

‘He wears his heart on his sleeve.’ ‘They’re so in touch with their emotions.’ ‘She’s an open book.’ The way we perceive vulnerability in others is often with awe and admiration, appreciating their ability to put their true selves in the spotlight.

And yet, our vocabulary becomes vastly different when it comes to baring our own souls. We ‘feel exposed’, ‘caught off guard’, like we’re ‘laying it all on the line’.

It’s a common theme in life that so many qualities we value and applaud in others, we can’t see in ourselves. It’s like we’re looking in a funhouse mirror, reflecting back a distorted version of reality that fills us with shame, regret, and fear.

We tie ourselves up in knots, with the threads of all these impossible and contradictory standards. When, in reality, a little self-compassion and awareness could unearth endless possibilities.

We delve into this very concept in our article on p73, exploring why we judge ourselves so harshly, and highlighting the ways we can be more accepting of vulnerability, as well as revealing the value that learning to embrace it can bring into our lives and relationships.

And in the spirit of opening up, our wonderful writer Fiona brings personal insight into her feature on why it’s never too late to be LGBTQIA+, and how to navigate the journey of letting your authentic self shine (p34).

An effective tool to help you do this can be found on p38, as we reveal how found art can teach us to let go of limitations and expectations. That there is no ‘perfect’ way to express yourself.

And our columnist Michelle discusses the difference between setting boundaries and building walls (p32), to help us recognise where we’re pushing people away under the pretence of selfpreservation.

Raw honesty, whether it’s about your feelings, needs, desires, or self, can be intimidating. But, throughout this issue, I hope you find inspiration and courage to know that doing so can reap untold rewards.

When and how you choose to lay your cards on the table is in your hands, but just know that unravelling the mystery of you is a worthwhile pursuit, and one that most certainly should be celebrated.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

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To make ourselves vulnerable can be very emotionally challenging. It takes us out of a place of comfort and introduces risk into how we feel, which can lead to feeling unsafe. Head over to p73 to explore how you can work with your own vulnerability in relationships. Society places a weakness on showing our vulnerability to others, however, to be vulnerable and maintain a sense of self is a true strength. It opens the door to our internal world and provides great potential for personal growth. *

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

Happiful Community

Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

MORAG STEVENSON

BA (Hons) Dip CBH

Morag is a cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist with an interest in body-focused repetitive disorders.

NICK ROTHENGATTER

BSc MSc

Nick is a coach and ACT practitioner.

LEAH O’SHAUGHNESSY

BA (Hons) MA MBACP (Accred)

Leah is a counselling psychotherapist and supervisor.

HANNAH

BECKETT-PRATT

BSc FdA MBACP

Hannah is a relational transactional analysis counsellor.

JUSTINE SHEEDLY

MSc LI CBT MBACP PGDip

Justine is a psychotherapist with a special interest in generational trauma.

TINA CHUMMUN

MSc UKCP

Tina is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.

JESSICA ANDERSSON

BSc (Hons) mBANT CNHC

Jessica is a nutritional therapist, chef, food entrepreneur, and health coach.

LORRAINE COLLINS

BSc MSc MBACP

Lorraine is a counsellor, psychotherapist, and cognitive behavioural therapist.

Our

team

EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief

Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor

Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer

Michelle Elman, Nikita Thakrar | Columnists

Ellen Lees | Head of Content

Adam Newey | Sub-Editor

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

VJ HAMILTON

BSc DipION mBANT

VJ is a nutritionist and autoimmune expert.

KATIE SCHOFIELD

BSc (Hons) Cert PGDip MA MBACP

Katie is a counsellor whose interest is working with difference and diversity.

ART & DESIGN

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing

Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS

Fiona Fletcher Reid, Caroline Butterwick, Jenna Farmer, Elizabeth Bennett, Victoria Stokes, Jessica Andersson, Katie Scott, Morag Stevenson

SPECIAL THANKS

JACQUI PARKIN

BSc (Hons) Cert PGDip MA MBACP

Jacqui is a counsellor, clinical supervisor and workshop facilitator.

Nick Rothengatter, Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Leah O’Shaughnessy, Katie Schofield, Morag Stevenson, Jacqui Parkin, Justine Sheedly, Lorraine Collins, Tina Chummun, Nigel Moyse, VJ Hamilton, Keith Howitt

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder

Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS

GEORGINA STURMER

BA (Hons) MBACP

Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.

NIGEL MOYSE

BA BSc MSc PGDip MBACP

Nigel is an accredited counsellor, life coach, and part-time chess coach.

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Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

NIKITA THAKRAR

NLP

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor and coach supporting people to find their life purpose

The Uplift

Your next hobby: counting butterflies reduces anxiety WILDLIFE

Butterflies are often used as symbols of hope and personal growth, but new research suggests that there could also be tangible benefits to watching out for these beautiful creatures.

In research published by wildlife charity Butterfly Conservation, in collaboration with the University of Derby, a study involving people who had taken part in Butterfly Conservation’s Big Butterfly Count in 2022 found that tuningin to nature to count butterflies reduced anxiety by 9% on average.

What the researchers observed was that even short periods of time spent watching butterflies increased the participants’ sense of connectedness to nature, with evidence that just 15 minutes was enough to feel this effect.

“While we have long known that there is a link between nature and human wellbeing,

this study is the first to prove that the simple act of looking for and counting butterflies leads to a measurable decrease in anxiety,” says Dr Richard Fox, head of science at Butterfly Conservation.

“The results suggest that citizen science projects such as the Big Butterfly Count can play a part in improving people’s mental health, as well as gathering

important data on how butterflies are faring to inform our conservation work.”

You will start to see butterflies from April through to autumn, and so now’s the time to begin enjoying this mindful – and environmentally significant –practice. To find out more about this year’s Big Butterfly Count, visit butterfly-conservation.org

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Homebuilding chief encourages men to talk about mental health

According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS), there are more than 500 recorded suicides within the construction industry each year – making it three times higher than the national average.

To help reduce high rates of suicide within the construction industry, Nicky Gordon, Chief Executive of Genesis Homes, is encouraging more men to talk about mental health and, along with its sister company Russell Armer Homes, has chosen to support ANDYSMANCLUB as their charity of the year.

“It is heartbreaking to read the stats about the high level of suicides in construction,” says Nicky Gordon. “There has always been a stigma around men showing emotion, talking about their mental health, and letting others know they’re struggling as if it is some sort of weakness. What ANDYSMANCLUB does is let men know that it’s not a sign of weakness. It is OK to talk and share your feelings.”

ANDYSMANCLUB offers weekly freeto-attend, peer-to-peer support groups across the UK, in-person and online. A suicide prevention charity with more than 150 locations, it aims to end the stigma surrounding men’s mental health, helping men through the power of conversation.

Talking can help us release pent-up emotions, connect, and find solutions together. Find out more and get the conversation started at andysmanclub.co.uk

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

New study debunks the assumption that money is the key to happiness

It’s often assumed that money is the ticket to happiness, but a new study is challenging this notion by suggesting that the richness of life can be found beyond material wealth.

While previous research suggests that people in high-income countries report being more satisfied with their lives than those in low-income countries, they mainly focus on industrialised societies, such as the UK, and overlook those in small-scale societies where monetary value is less significant.

To bridge this gap, a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

RESEARCH

surveyed 2,966 people from 19 different countries on how satisfied they felt with their lives. Those surveyed were people living in non-mainstream societies, many of whom identify as indigenous. Interestingly, out of the households that had been surveyed, only 64% reported having any cash income.

The findings revealed that many societies with very low incomes still exhibit high levels of life satisfaction, with scores similar to those in wealthy countries. The average score was 6.8 out of 10, with some sites reporting average scores higher than eight. Although it’s unclear why this is, previous studies indicate that family,

£4.3 million to project on understanding

severe mental illness

In a move that’s set to make a significant impact on our understanding of severe mental illness, the charity Bipolar UK has joined a new £4.3 million mental health research hub, which aims to advance understanding around the diagnosis and treatment of severe mental illness.

The South Wales and South-West England (SW²) Hub plans to bring together an interdisciplinary network of leading researchers from Cardiff, Bath, Bristol, Exeter,

and Swansea universities, as well as Adferiad Recovery, Bipolar UK, and people with lived experience.

While the hub will research a range of severe mental illnesses, the move is particularly welcomed by Bipolar UK. In findings shared by the charity in The Bipolar Commission report, researchers saw that more than one million people live with bipolar in the UK, and yet it’s thought that fewer than half are diagnosed.

“The Bipolar Commission, which we’ve presented to the government,

social support, spirituality, and connections to the natural world could all have a part to play. Although there are unavoidably important differences between the society we live in in the UK and those in the study, if we can take away one thing from this research, it’s that we could benefit from reevaluating our relationship with materialistic things, and prioritise the aspects of our lives that truly bring us happiness.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

paints a shocking picture for the bipolar community, with nearly a whole decade of diagnosis delays, and care pathways that routinely aren’t fit for purpose,” says Simon Kitchen, Bipolar UK CEO. “It is collaborative research projects like SW² that allow us to combine our knowledge and data with others to help bring about real change – something the bipolar community in the UK desperately needs.”

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

New Zealand has announced a ban on ‘forever chemicals’ in cosmetics, set to be implemented from 2026

The wellbeing wrap

REPRESENTATION MATTERS

Acknowledging the disparity between pages for men and women on the site Wikipedia, Lucy Moore, a UK-based Wikipedia editor, made it her mission to add at least one page for a woman from every country in the world. Her 532 entries share women doing incredible things, including Chinese activist and teacher Liang Jun, Nauruan weightlifter Maximina Uepa, and Fijian Paralympian Sainimili Naivalu.

Out of this world action

An investment in the future

In an extraordinary act of kindness, 93-year-old Dr Ruth Gottesman donated $1 billion to the Albert Einstein College of Medicine, in the Bronx, New York, to be used to cover the tuition fees for all students going forwards. As a former professor at the college, Dr Gottesman is all too aware of the financial burden for newly qualified doctors in the US, who typically leave medical school with $200,000 of debt. This gesture will not only ease financial pressures on students, but will make the school more accessible, too.

A spoonful of ideas

A temporary LEGO florist landed in London when LEGO transformed its Battersea Power Station store

A US-based nonprofit, the Environmental Defense Fund (EDF), has partnered with Google in order to track methane emissions from space, and map this using Google’s AI to various oil and gas pollution sources on Earth. EDF is launching its own satellite for the task, with the hopes that the information gathered can build a better picture of emissions hotspots in order to address them – which is vital since methane is estimated to be responsible for 30% of global warming.

79-year-old Luisa Yu recently achieved her dream of travelling to every UN nation – 193 countries total!

Good news for animal conservation! A study in Science Advances reports that African elephant populations have stabalised, growing 0.16% a year for the past 25 years. While this is encouraging, some areas still had severe decline due to poaching, showing how vital it is to continue efforts to protect these animals.

NOTIFICATIONS OFF

British Antarctic Survey (BAS)

has donated six boxes of clothing suitable for extreme environments to homeless charity, Wintercomfort.

A 17-year-old from India has developed a battery-operated spoon that can stabilise itself against the tremors associated with Parkinson’s. Aarrav Anil created the tool in order to help his uncle, who has the disease, eat more comfortably. While similar products do exist, Aarrav’s creation is believed to be much more affordable (potentially 50% of the cost), making it a potential game-changer for hospitals, as well as the estimated 7 million people in India with Parkinson’s.

In a world-first, 13-year-old Lucas Jemeljanova, from Belgium, has been cured of an aggressive form of brain cancer, which is considered terminal. In a clinical trial, Lucas was randomly assigned a drug usually used to treat other forms of cancer – which he responded well to – and now, seven years later, is still cancer-free. He’s been in remission for five years, and the only member of the trial to see the tumour completely vanish, while several others haven’t relapsed in over three years. Hopefully this could be the start of saving more lives in future.

SIBLING RIVALRY

Communityowned pubs have increased 67% in the past five years in the UK, helping to save them from closure

Australia is introducing a ‘right to disconnect’ law, allowing employees to ignore and not respond to messages from their boss outside of working hours, without receiving any penalties – however, bosses could face criminal action if they continue to break the rules on off-the-clock contact. The new law looks to address unpaid overtime, and protect the work-life balance and mental wellbeing of employees –something other countries might want to take note of!

Family feuds might prove challenging for parents to navigate, but new info from the University of Cambridge’s Centre for Family Research could offer comfort. The study found that sibling squabbles can actually increase social skills, vocabulary, and development, while also encouraging a competitive spirit.

What can we learn from the ‘shikata ga nai’ culture?

Could adopting the ability to let things go help us navigate life’s challenges?

We live in a culture where being a ‘gogetter’ is a highly valuable quality. Bouncing back and getting up to face the challenge again is what success looks like, right?

In Japanese society, the adjacent philosophy of ‘gaman’ is a Zen Buddhist term, which refers to the quality of enduring what appears to be unbearable with dignity, grace, and self-restraint. It’s not a goal-oriented approach, but instead a steady reaction to hardship. Following the Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami in 2011, the ‘gaman spirit’ is often credited for the lack of looting, collaboration, and resiliency following the disaster. Tied up in this culture is a common phrase: ‘sho ga nai’ (informal) or ‘shikata ga nai’ (formal), translating to ‘it cannot be helped’.

Now, this isn’t the kind of inspirational saying that you’d want to get as a tattoo – not unless you want to raise eyebrows in Japan. It’s a very commonly said phrase, comparable to ‘That’s life’ in English. It encapsulates a sense

of accepting a situation and moving on, but it’s not always seen in a positive light, and can sometimes be interpreted as defeatist. In Japan, there has been some debate in the past about whether the ‘shikata ga nai’ culture is a good or bad thing, with one article in The Japan Times dubbing it a ‘curse’ that halts change, while another argues the culture encourages Japanese people to live in the moment.

It should go without saying that total passivity can come with risks – when something is wrong or harmful, it’s important to stand up and advocate for ourselves. But is there a balanced approach to the ‘shikata ga nai’ culture that we can apply to our own lives? One that places acceptance at the forefront when appropriate, for the benefit of our overall wellbeing?

Nick Rothengatter is a life coach and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) practitioner, ACT being an approach that focuses on finding peace in the process instead of driving forward to solutions, and which shares

common ground with ‘shikata ga nai’ culture.

“ACT is a mindfulness-based form of cognitive behaviour therapy,” he explains. “It views things like ‘human suffering’ as normal, not a disorder driven by pathological processes. Symptom reduction (like reducing anxiety) is not a goal within ACT. Instead, ACT is all about expanding your repertoire of behaviour (what you are able to do with your body and focus) in the presence of difficult stimuli. Or, in plain English, when you find yourself in tricky and challenging situations, finding a way to make room for these experiences so you can still put your attention on doing what matters.”

For those who are drawn to ACT as a treatment option, the philosophy encourages us to let go of constantly striving for an unrealistic ideal of total contentment, and accept the natural lulls as they come. It’s something that, Nick shares, has supported him personally.

“Me and my partner’s journey through years of fertility struggles was a difficult pill to swallow.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Building curiosity around our ‘negative’ emotions – rather than striving to immediately overcome them – is a useful first step

Acceptance was not even on my radar; instead questions like, ‘Why me?’ And, ‘What did we do wrong to deserve this?’ filled my mind as we were both healthy and young. Seeing other families with less healthy parents was personally difficult, because it reminded me of the unfairness of life.”

As Nick sees it, making space for those feelings >>>

of resentment – accepting them rather than diligently ploughing through them – came with a tangible benefit.

“In a way, our resentment reminded us to continue to explore alternative ways to have a family, and not to give up,” he says. “Now, we have a family, and I am forever grateful that we somehow managed to make room for our pain and remembered what we cared about.”

Building curiosity around our ‘negative’ emotions – rather than striving to immediately overcome them or to submit to them totally – is a useful first step, and Nick encourages using these instances as moments to connect with ourselves.

“Everything that shows up in our body and mind has a purpose,” he reflects. “See them as internal messages of wisdom, shedding a light on the things we care about. Because if you didn’t care, why would these feelings and thoughts show up in the first place? The same is true when we struggle to let go of something. The inability to let things go, reveals our attachments, our values, and what truly matters to us. In that space, there is a bit that is useful, and a bit you can, unfortunately, lose yourself in.”

Everything that shows up in our body and mind has a purpose

‘Acceptance’ can be seen as the easy answer, but Nick explains that not only is that often unrealistic, but ‘acceptance’ itself is often misunderstood. Returning to ‘shikata ga nai’, healthy acceptance is about understanding something ‘cannot be helped’ but without completely submitting to the ‘so why bother’ conclusion, and rather exploring those feelings with compassion.

“I recommend starting small,” says Nick, when considering the question of where someone may want to begin when working on their ability to accept challenges. “Work on noticing what is showing up for you. And from that space of awareness, you can develop skills to allow, accommodate, and create space for this difficult stuff that is coming to the surface. Practising these skills can help you take the sting out of these experiences, so you can better follow up on how you want to respond, instead of letting these internal messages control you.”

Nick recommends working on your ‘inner noticer’ – the part of you that is good at observing and witnessing things. He shares that you can do this by engaging in activities like sports and being in nature, activities that encourage you to connect with your body

and your surroundings, and take you out of your busy mind to a place where you can take an observant approach to your experiences.

“The key here is to keep practising,” he adds. “Practising doesn’t make perfect, but it does make you better equipped to respond more consciously next time life decides to throw you a curveball.”

There are pros and cons to both the ‘gaman’ and ‘shikata ga nai’ cultures, in the same way that the British ‘stiff upper lip’ can either be seen as protective self-preservation or repressive. The key thing to take from the philosophy of ‘shikata ga nai’ is the ability to detach from, and let go of, particular challenges. Because no matter how closely we follow any advice for a perfect life, bad days will happen – but with curiosity and compassion, they may not have to last for long.

Nick Rothengatter is a coach and ACT practitioner. Find out more on the Life Coach Directory.

Why we need a new narrative on narcissism

An expert look at the complexity of human behaviour, and why we should express caution when using diagnostic labels

Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt

In today’s world of wellness and self-improvement, psychological terminology is no longer confined to the therapy room. With many of us searching for a deeper understanding of ourselves and our relationships, clinical concepts are fast becoming public knowledge. But, when removed from their original context, meaning can become distorted and nuance lost, leading to widespread labelling and stigma.

Narcissism is an obvious current example, with #narcissist generating more than 2 million posts on Instagram at the time of writing, despite narcissistic personality disorder only occurring in approximately 1–6% of the UK population in 2021 according to NetDoctor. The disorder has gained rapid traction on social media as a pejorative

term that is disproportionately applied, both to men who behave undesirably in romantic relationships and mothers of adult millennial females. Narcissism has become synonymous with persecutors of emotional, psychological and relational abuse, despite the National Domestic Violence Hotline stating “mental health issues do not excuse or directly cause intimate partner abuse”.

What is narcissism and how does it develop?

Narcissism takes its name from Greek mythology (after the figure Narcissus who became absorbed by his own reflection in a pool of water), and originated in the mental health sphere as a psychoanalytic process of personality construction. >>>

When we stigmatise one condition, we vilify all psychological suffering by objectifying people based on what we have decided their behaviour means to us

In secure infant development, our feelings are mirrored to us by a sensitive and responsive caregiver, and this reciprocal early relationship forms our sense of self. For example, an infant is not born knowing what fear is, but when scared, they will feel an inexplicable sensation and cry. The caregiver will offer comfort, which relieves this feeling. With time and repetition, the infant learns that this sensation is fear, and that they can receive soothing from others, as well as eventually self-soothing, too.

Without effective recognition and mirroring from the caregiver, the infant cannot make sense of its own impulses, leading to a deficit in understanding of self and others. This can lead to many outcomes, but someone with a narcissistic personality structure has learned that manipulation gives them the best chance of getting their needs met, and they come to consider themselves superior to others. These are unconscious defences which hide the chronic shame and lack of self-esteem that has resulted from the deficit of recognition in early life. As with all defence mechanisms, these narcissistic strategies exist on

a spectrum spanning a healthy level of personality adaptation to a diagnosed mental health disorder.

How is narcissism misunderstood and why is this harmful?

On social media and within the wider public discourse, narcissism has become conflated with meaning more closely related to psychopathy – an even rarer presentation of an altogether different personality disorder. Narcissism has become a misguided umbrella term for perpetrators of emotional abuse, and is mainly applied indiscriminately to two groups: male ex-partners and mothers, both of whose relationship behaviour is considered objectionable or intolerable.

Labels such as ‘The Narcissist’ homogenise such behaviour, and falsely represent it as one character structure that describes the totality of a person’s being. This is comparable to calling chaotic behaviour ‘schizophrenic’, or describing healthy levels of cleanliness as ‘a bit OCD’. Such misuse of diagnostic language creates what is known as a ‘sticky label’, where the person is judged according to the stigma associated with their disorder. These sticky labels have much more to do with the social stereotypes of a mental health condition than the factual reality of their symptoms and behaviours. When we stigmatise one condition, we vilify all psychological suffering by objectifying people based on what we have decided their behaviour means to us.

What about narcissistic abuse?

Psychological and emotional abuse is fortunately becoming increasingly recognised in our society. After coercive control became a legal offence in 2015, a greater level of public attention has been drawn to the abusive relational dynamics that occur in domestic and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).

However, on social media, a collection of abusive behaviours has been coupled with narcissistic personality traits, and is now colloquially referred to as ‘narcissistic abuse’, despite this term not being recognised legally, or by agencies working with IPV and domestic violence. While people with narcissistic traits have difficulties in relationships, conflating narcissism with abusive behaviour does not provide an adequate explanation, or justification for abuse.

In the rare cases that narcissism is an accurate and diagnosed perception of an abusive partner’s psychology, using it as a sole reason for why abuse occurred robs the survivor of the essential elements of processing, recovering, and moving on. New Leaf Counselling Group states: “A victim of domestic violence must begin their healing process from a position of their own personal integrity in order to create an internal sense of safety (fight/ flight/freeze) characteristic of a ‘trauma response’ commonly experienced after the survival of prolonged exposure to abusive and controlling behaviour.”

more on the Counselling Directory.

Simply labelling the abusive partner as ‘The Narcissist’ as a justification for their abuse keeps the focus on the perpetrator, and denies the survivor their own subjective experience – which is, at best, unhelpful, and, at worst, a replication of the abusive dynamics.

Furthermore, when abuse is justified using one psychological profile, as it is with narcissism, it can confuse survivors as to which available support options are appropriate. In recovery from abuse, it is vital to seek wellqualified support from a trained mental health professional who is registered with an ethical body.

Human psychology is complex and often takes time to understand. Attempts to simplify it with labelling discounts this fundamental part of human nature, and minimises experiences of abusive relationships. Labelling creates harmful stigma, equating complex mental health issues with abuse and violence. Moreover, this also creates further harm for survivors of relational abuse from accessing appropriate support, and arriving at the depth of understanding necessary to truly move on and protect themselves in future.

Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a relational transactional analysis counsellor. Discover

NO MOW MAY

The campaign that asks you to liberate your lawn – by doing literally nothing

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Writing

Rebecca Thair

It probably feels unnatural, right? We’re so conditioned to take action, be proactive, and raise our voices to make a big difference, but, actually, when it comes to supporting our local wildlife, taking a step back to let things be could be the most transformative tool in our arsenal.

Started in 2019 by conservation charity Plantlife, No Mow May encourages people to resist the temptation to create perfectly cultivated lawns and gardens, and instead allow grass and plants to grow more freely for a month ahead of the summer, both to tackle pollution and support local wildlife.

WHY SHOULD YOU TAKE PART IN NO MOW MAY?

in flower-rich meadows since the 1930s. However other factors are at play too, including the way agriculture has changed over the years, with farmland featuring less flower-heavy fields, along with the increase in pesticides, and generally climate change reducing locations that are suitable for nesting and breeding.

While this shows the dire need to allow for some rewilding, the charity has also revealed that just eight dandelions could produce enough nectar to support an adult bumblebee’s essential energy needs. So the simple act of letting your garden grow naturally for a month could make a radical difference, and help provide vital locations for pollinators to do their thing.

TOP TIPS TO HELP POLLINATORS

Even after No Mow May, you can continue to support pollinators by doing the following:

• Let dandelions and daisies grow freely.

• Avoid using pesticides or fertilisers

• Plant clover, long grasses, and knapweed to help wildlife.

• Clear away grass cuttings to allow wildflowers space to grow.

be making small changes to your garden or habits, such as mowing your lawn once a fortnight rather than weekly, to bigger changes like redesigning your space to dedicate an area that will always remain free and untamed.

While the temptation can be to tame your garden the moment spring arrives, and the thought of unruly grass might be daunting after months of the ground being too damp to mow, the UK is facing a serious issue with declining numbers of pollinators. These are the creatures that help plants and crops reproduce when they fly from one to another – including bees, wasps, butterflies, and beetles – without whom we would see a knock-on impact on biodiversity, and a reduction in food supplies.

The main reason behind this drop in numbers is due to a lack (and loss) of suitable habitats. As an example, Plantlife reports that the UK has seen a 97% decline

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO DO?

It really is as simple as it sounds: don’t mow your lawn for the month of May. Size really doesn’t matter, so don’t be perturbed if you have a small patch of land to call your own, or acres of space –the more support, the merrier. A great way to help the cause further can be using the hashtag on social media (#NoMowMay) to spread the word, and hopefully encourage others to give it a go, too.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER NO MOW MAY?

The idea behind the campaign is to act as a springboard to inspire your eco efforts in future. It could

Plantlife recommends experimenting with different lawn heights, as this can encourage biodiversity, but also trying to not mow lower than 1 inch, as this means things like daisies (which can be a great food source for critters) can still grow. But whether you can commit to longer-term changes or not, supporting the campaign for the month of May will be hugely beneficial to wildlife regardless. So, put down those gardening gloves, and give your lawn mower a breather. This May, let your favourite pastime be letting time pass, without human interference – and see how your garden thrives.

Discover more information about No Mow May at plantlife.org.uk

“It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack

GERMANY KENT

Photograph | Cottonbro studio

5 conversation starters for when you’re worried about someone

Tips for how to support a loved one and broach a difficult topic when you’re concerned for their wellbeing

How are you feeling at the moment?

It might sound simple, but showing a genuine interest can be a good approach. Keeping things broad allows them to go at their own pace with sharing, as well as choose the starting point for the conversation.

I realise I haven’t checkedin properly for a while. How are things with you? Is there anything you want to talk about?

For a more casual approach, you could say something like this to introduce the idea of opening up, while also setting expectations that you want to check-in more regularly. Knowing that could make them more aware of the support network they have, so even if today the answer is ‘I’m fine’, they may contemplate sharing next time.

I’ve noticed you’ve not really been yourself lately. Has something been bothering you?

This angle can make them feel seen, recognising that you’ve noticed a change in their behaviour, and care about them.

Writing | Rebecca Thair

It can also be a helpful route into a deeper conversation, as often the initial idea of ‘what’s bothering us’ might not seem as personal, but follow-up questions can allow you to enter into the impact of this and how they feel in more detail.

You’ve had a lot going on recently, which must have been really tough. Do you want to talk about it?

Acknowledging their experience can help to validate their feelings, letting them know they won’t be judged for struggling. This in itself creates a more safe environment to open up, knowing that your loved one is on your side.

I don’t want to overstep, but I know you’ve been having a hard time. I want you to know I’m here for you –would talking it through help?

Directly asking if they want to talk through their concerns allows them to set their own boundaries, but also might prompt them to think about what will help them. Often, if we’re in a challenging situation, we’re so focused on it that we don’t know what might help us, and so drawing attention

to this option, and letting them know it’s there, could feel like a real lifeline.

When you make an effort to check-in with someone, they might not always be ready to open up, and that’s OK – it’s important not to pressure them. So if that’s the case, reassure them that you’re there for them when they are. The fact that you’ve noticed they might be struggling and checked in shows that you care, and that in itself can help create a safe, supportive space.

In the meantime, maintain your connection by planning ways to spend time together to simply remind them they’re not alone. And when they’re ready to chat, you’ll be by their side for support.

TOP TIPS

• Use open questions and body language.

• Try not to pass any judgements – you can relay back what you’ve heard to ensure you’ve not made assumptions.

• There may be silences, and that’s OK. Allow them to be and take their time.

• Rather than referencing your own experiences, focus on them. Ask follow-up questions, such as ‘How did that make you feel?’ or ‘How’s that been impacting you?’

Maladaptive daydreaming:

What’s the reality?

On the surface, excessive daydreaming may not sound particularly serious –but, over time, it can have a destructive impact on people’s lives

Having a strong imagination is something that’s often admired. Being a creative person can make us better problem solvers and innovative thinkers, and can support social development. Daydreaming is a natural extension of our imaginations, and escaping into our minds can be the break so many of us need from the outside world. But is it possible for daydreaming to go too far?

WHAT IS MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING?

Referring to when a person daydreams excessively, maladaptive daydreaming (MD) can have a negative effect on someone’s life. It’s a relatively new concept, coined by professor of clinical psychology Eli Somer in 2002, when he defined it as an “extensive fantasy activity that replaces human interaction and/ or interferes with academic, interpersonal, or vocational functioning”.

MD may look different for each person, but individuals sometimes talk about maladaptive daydreaming like entering another world. They may have real emotional and even physical reactions to the things that happen in these daydreams, and the daydreams may vary or they may consistently enter the same scenes, sometimes over years. They may pick up where they left off, continuing the plot like a TV series, or return to something familiar time and time again.

In June 2023, in a case report published in The Primary Care Companion, a 27-year-old single man presented with a nine-year history of MD. He described the ‘stories’ as running continuously through his mind for most of the day. Typically, these stories centred on having a romantic relationship, but also were sometimes about mundane activities. To begin with, the ‘stories’ were enjoyable, but the frequency

and intensity gradually increased so much that it hampered his occupational, social, and personal life. He went on to experience frequent dismissal from jobs due to his concentration, and he shared that these stories became clearer and more vivid while listening to music or watching television, and were not under his control.

The compulsive nature of MD is an important factor in its identification, as well as a devastating aspect. In fact, a 2018 study, published in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions, highlighted that maladaptive daydreaming shared many features with behavioural addiction. A 2020 study, published in the same journal, went on to find that MDers report a strong urge to daydream whenever they can, and annoyance whenever they cannot. They may also make repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming, and negative

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

emotions follow their daily daydreaming activity.

“Daydreaming is something that we all do, both as adults and as children, and is a very normal part of the human experience,” explains counselling psychotherapist Leah O’Shaughnessy. “It can be very positive and play a part in forward planning, envisioning a future for ourselves, going over a past experience to see how we could have done something differently, enhancing creativity or aiding problem-solving. But maladaptive daydreaming can be seen as negatively impacting a person’s life, as it can distract a person from everyday tasks and relationships, and it can also cause feelings of distress and/or guilt and shame.”

As it stands, maladaptive daydreaming is not recognised in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, however, research into it is ongoing with many calling for its official recognition.

For now, the 16-item Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale is used for self-reported data used in MD research, and includes an 11-point scale across four domains, which are: ‘the strong, addictive urge to engage in daydreaming (yearning); daydreaming impairing functioning and interfering with long-term life goals or daily chores (impairment); physical movement associated with daydreaming such as accompanying facial expressions, mouthing the words, rocking, or pacing (kinesthesia); and music as a facilitator of the daydreaming (music)’. If someone were to score over 40, they would be considered to have suspected clinical-level MD.

Much more than being ‘a bit of a dreamer’, MD can have a debilitating effect on several areas of an individual’s life. They may find that their relationships suffer, that they have difficulty falling asleep, that their work

may be impacted, and that they may struggle with feeling present in daily life.

“Daydreaming becomes a problem if it is highly distracting or if it involves negative or frightening thoughts or images, or if it induces feelings of guilt,” Leah says. “Healthy daydreaming is time-limited, and does not impact on a person’s ability to function in everyday life, while maladaptive daydreamers are not able to fully engage in daily activities – either social or professional. While daydreaming, they may experience an intense sense of immersion that includes visual, auditory, or affective properties, and they may have made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back, or stop daydreaming. It differs from normal daydreaming as instead of serving as a function to improve problem-solving and creativity, it becomes hard to control, and is addictive and dysfunctional in nature.” >>>

WHO DOES MD AFFECT?

Healthy daydreaming is time-limited, and does not impact a person's ability to function

Leah goes on to highlight that maladaptive daydreaming tends to affect people who have experienced aversive early life experiences, and coped with this by escaping reality into a dissociative fantasy life of daydreams. A study in Frontiers

in Psychiatry also found that it tends to impact young people more than adults.

Beyond that, research from the past decade has consistently found links between MD and ADHD, with a study published in The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease finding that around 20% of those with ADHD experience MD – with 77% of people with MD also having a diagnosis of ADHD. The same study, which examined the comorbidity profile of individuals meeting the criteria for MD, also saw that 71.8% met the criteria for anxiety disorder, 66.7% for a depressive disorder, and 53.9% for OCD or related disorder.

Additionally, 28.2% had attempted suicide.

But while these are impactful figures, sample sizes for such studies are still relatively small, and Leah urges caution around jumping to conclusions.

“Some research seems to indicate that those who experience maladaptive

daydreaming are also more likely to have suffered with depression or dissociative types of mental illness, but this is not conclusive,” she says. “Even if it is linked to current or past mental illness, daydreaming may be a coping mechanism and not in itself another degree of psychopathology in those individuals.

“We all daydream in that we let our thoughts wander, and perhaps play out different scenarios in our minds – past, present, or future,” Leah continues. “As daydreaming is reported as a common occurrence, it has meant that experts are reluctant to describe excessive daydreaming as a mental health issue, even if it causes distress or impacts everyday functioning.”

THE FUTURE OF MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING

On the forum-based social media platform Reddit, more than

109,000 people are members of the Maladaptive Dreaming community support subreddit – putting it in the top 2% of communities site-wide. Here, they share their stories, ask questions, offer suggestions, and vent. What soon becomes clear from such spaces is the frustration, fear, and shame that can accompany MD. And while research is in its infancy, these experiences are happening now. The lack of an official diagnosis means that there is currently no standard treatment, however, mental health professionals are still able to support individuals with approaches used for related conditions, such as cognitive behavioural therapy, and reaching out for support should be the first step those who are struggling with MD should take. It’s a fast-moving area of research, with new papers being published each year, and as awareness grows and experiences are shared, the path to greater understanding is laid.

Leah O’Shaughnessy is a counselling psychotherapist and supervisor. Reach out to her on the Counselling Directory.

Familiar feeling

How finding comfort in repetition can soothe anxiety

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

When life appears uncertain, familiarity can feel like a warm hug. Think back to life during the pandemic, and you’ll likely remember that watching reruns of your favourite TV shows or listening to the same songs on repeat offered a strange sense of comfort during difficult times.

Psychology of predictability

While you may have been simply trying to fill the days with entertainment, research has shown that repetition successfully taps into your brain’s desire for pattern and predictability. When you engage in repetitive behaviour, e.g. listening to your favourite album from start to finish, you create a mental script that runs on autopilot. This is good news for your brain because it can minimise cognitive load,

allowing your brain to rest, and even enhance learning and memory retention.

There have even been studies, such as a review article by Jaye L Derrick in Social Psychological and Personality Science, to suggest that rewatching familiar TV shows after a difficult social interaction can give you an energy boost, while keeping up with a new show takes emotional energy that may leave you feeling depleted.

But it’s not only Netflix that has the power to calm your nerves. Doing familiar tasks, such as taking the same daily dog-walking route, can release dopamine – a hormone associated with pleasure and satisfaction. Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, says, “For those with anxiety, these repetitive patterns can be soothing, dialling

down the internal noise and creating a sense of calm and safety. It’s a way to control the external environment, even when internal states may feel overwhelming.”

Repetition can coax you into a flow state, where you become fully immersed in an activity, leading to a sense of ease and focus. That’s one of the reasons why hobbies that require deep concentration – like yoga, drawing, or playing a musical instrument – can have a positive effect on your wellbeing.

Same old story

While we’re all for taking on a challenge and trying new things, the repetitive nature of a task specifically eases uncertainty, which is a key contributor to anxiety. The brain simply loves predictability, and when it knows what to expect, it can relax. So, go easy on yourself if you’d rather re-read your favourite novel for the third time instead of starting a new book. Your prior knowledge of the characters and plot supports means you’re able to relax, which is great for emotional regulation.

Real-life repetition

For many, the concept of repetition takes on a physical element. Kathleen, a 32-year-old graphic designer from Lincoln, says the repetitive action of swimming in a pool three times a week helps her manage stress and anxiety.

“I wouldn’t say I’m a terribly anxious person, but if I go a few weeks without swimming, I really notice the impact on my mood,”

The brain simply loves predictability, and when it knows what to expect, it can relax

she says. “Things that normally don’t bother me suddenly become unbearable. I am up all night worrying and overthinking about things I’ve done in the office, or small remarks others have made about work. As soon as I hit the pool and swim a few lengths, my body gets into this magical rhythmic pattern, and all the stress seems to physically and mentally wash away.”

Whereas Jill, a 29-year-old student from Edinburgh, prefers to go through the motions of making her coffee in the same way, every single morning. “I tend to wake up anxious every morning, but there’s something soothing about sleepily going through the process of grinding coffee beans and making a latte before I head off to class. It doesn’t take any real effort, but it takes a bit of focus, which stops me from ruminating about the day ahead.”

Fine line toward obsession

Although there are clear benefits to repetition and its role in managing anxiety, it’s important to note the difference

between helpful and harmful repetition.

According to Dr Touroni, the key difference lies in the impact of the behaviours themselves. “Healthy repetitive behaviours, such as background music or familiar TV shows, can improve a person’s ability to focus or do particular tasks. In contrast, some of the repetitive behaviours associated with OCD, such as rituals to neutralise intrusive thoughts, consume a lot of time and interfere with day-to-day life. The former has a positive impact, while the latter usually has a detrimental effect.”

Recognising this line can be challenging, especially for those who find comfort in routines. It’s important to seek support from your GP or a qualified therapist if rigid patterns dominate your thoughts and dictate your actions.

Repetition doesn’t have to mean inflexible

On the other hand, repetition can be a powerful tool for those living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

“Those with ADHD need structure, but often hate it!” says Helen Neale, owner and editor of kiddycharts.com. “To get over this, I pretty much always help myself to concentrate by going out for a

walk to a coffee shop every day – the activity is repeated usually daily, but it is at any time of day, so that’s the ‘no structure’ for me. It works well for me, and it helps me focus on specific tasks that I know I need to do.”

By incorporating repetitive strategies, folks with ADHD can create an environment to help manage decision fatigue and waning energy levels. This approach not only aids in daily functioning, but also offers a sense of control over symptoms.

Could you repeat that?

To use repetition to soothe anxiety, start by identifying the activities that bring you comfort and don’t take too much effort. For you, this could be preparing a simple breakfast or using a meditation app. Alternatively, it could be setting aside 20 minutes of your lunch break to do a yoga session, or listen to a chapter of an audiobook. Even the repetitive action of vacuuming or dusting can be soothing for those with anxious minds.

Try to perform your chosen activity at the same time and in the same way each day. Whether it’s revisiting beloved shows, following familiar routines, or engaging in rhythmic activities, make time for repetition and enjoy the familiarity – it’s doing your brain a world of good.

What people think psychosis is

Seeing and hearing things

Hallucinations

What it actually is...

Delusions

Severe distress

Feeling like things are personally directed towards them (songs, TV shows, etc.)

Losing touch with reality

Agitation

Disordered thinking and speaking

Feeling disorientated

Becoming socially withdrawn

Mood changes

Sensing changes to time (slowing down or speeding up)

Change to sleep patterns (more or less)

Restlessness

Treat yourself

5 ways to embrace treat culture to boost your mental health

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

Going to my local coffee shop to spend £3.50 on a barista-made latte is a weekly staple in my life that I’m just not willing to give up. Even as my rent, food, and utility bills increase, the world is such an overwhelming place sometimes that low-cost treats that allow me to escape the monotony of daily life are becoming more sacred than ever. Whether it’s an artisan pastry for breakfast, or a bunch of flowers to spruce up your home, treat culture kicked off during the pandemic, and hasn’t ever really left us.

Consumers are known to opt for little luxuries, such as lipsticks and premium snacks, during times of economic downturn, but treat culture is so much more than just spending money to drown out the bad vibes. Embracing treat culture is about doing something for yourself that has a positive impact on your mental health. That’s why a visit to my local cafe (which encourages me to shower and wear something other than pyjamas) is something I know supports my wellbeing and

mood during difficult times. But how can we enjoy treat culture mindfully in the middle of a recession?

Some treats are good for you

Treats are associated with rewards for good behaviour, and, as adults who are often lacking in that kind of external validation, giving ourselves a treat can be a way to nurture that inner child, and get a boost of self-love.

Indulging in a little treat isn’t necessarily about the shiny hardback or face mask in question. Instead, it’s about the experience of savouring a moment of respite in between the pressures of modern living, actively choosing to relish the sense of having earned a welldeserved reward, and nourishing your emotional self. In short, it’s all about the act of self-care that the treat represents.

Think about what you actually need

While treats tend to lose their excitement when they fall under the ‘practical’ umbrella, it can be

helpful to think about the treats you tend to gravitate towards, and how they serve you. For example, if you like to treat yourself to a fancy coffee, is it because you enjoy the taste, or is it because you’re overworked and lacking sleep? You can still enjoy that wonderful caffeine hit, but reflecting on your core needs might also give you the nudge to work on your sleep hygiene, or book some annual leave to focus on deep rest.

On the other hand, if your little treats are normally triggered by TikTok trends, could you be purchasing out of sheer boredom? It doesn’t mean you can’t indulge in that cute new phone case, but it could be an opportunity to consider whether a coffee date with a friend, or taking up a hobby, would contribute more effectively to your overall sense of fulfilment.

Set yourself a monthly budget

Spending frivolously and passing it off as self-care is not the order of the day here, so take a look at

your finances and set yourself a monthly treat budget. If you glance over your bank statements, you’ll probably see that you’re already embracing treat culture with enthusiasm. Take stock of your spending and reflect on those midweek shopping trips: did they boost your mood? If so, you can include those in your budget. How about that Saturday night takeaway? If it made you feel bloated and tired the next day, perhaps it isn’t an ideal future treat option.

Avoid emotional numbing

The key to treating yourself is to make sure that you are using it as a way to increase your sense of fulfilment, not repress difficult emotions. This might mean avoiding treats that serve as a temporary distraction, but have long-term negative consequences on your quality of life (e.g. overindulging in alcohol, or bingeeating sugary foods).

Spend your time wisely

We spend our days rushing from one task to another, which

means we often waste money on things that offer convenience over pleasure. But instead of always opting for exchanging cash for a dopamine hit, experiment with spending your time instead. This could be putting your phone on silent and escaping into a nostalgic movie complete with homemade popcorn, or looking up recipes online to slow-cook a delicious meal without any distractions.

Think about the experience

Research shows that purchases that lead to human connection

tend to be a guaranteed boost for your mental health, because meaningful social relationships contribute a great deal to our happiness, as shown in a study in the Journal of Consumer Psychology. This might mean that you prioritise treats that involve a social aspect, such as eating in restaurants with friends, or going to see your favourite band play live. Again, it’s about figuring out the specific emotional benefit that the treat delivers, instead of throwing money at your unhappiness.

Healthy boundaries versus building walls

Recognise the difference between establishing and communicating clear boundaries, and closing yourself off from others

These days, the media is abuzz with conversation around boundaries, but as the ‘Queen of Boundaries’, more and more often I am noticing a misuse of the term. The problem is that if we use the word ‘boundaries’, or any terminology that originates from psychology jargon, without education and understanding, it can result in people weaponising therapy terms in a way that is not only unhelpful, but means that our conversations become less productive.

Recently, I have heard people say that ‘ghosting’ is a boundary, or ‘swearing at someone to get lost’ is a boundary. What’s important to reinforce is that these are not actual boundaries, because boundaries must come with good communication, so in these examples the absence of communication, or poor communication that involves swearing, is not healthy boundary setting. In fact, it’s a lot closer to putting up walls and pushing

people away out of fear of having a difficult conversation.

I’ve even heard people say that they have conveyed their boundary by telling someone to ‘not hurt their feelings’. Again, this is not a boundary. You cannot set a boundary around how you feel. This is subjective and changes from moment to moment. Other people are not mind readers, and so they cannot know what hurts your feelings and what does not. Rather, you need to recognise what your feelings are telling you about what you need, and communicate that.

So, if we’ve ascertained all of these things that aren’t boundaries, you might be wondering what exactly is a good, healthy boundary? The important differentiation is that boundaries are how we teach other people to treat us – what is and isn’t acceptable. It is the line between you and other people, and it is the difference between who you are and who the world wants you to be.

Boundaries between you and others are like a house: inside the house is your life, and the four walls that create the house are your protection from the outside world. There can be a lot of confusion between boundaries and walls, but, using this analogy, a boundary is more like a house because this includes a door and windows that you can open when you’ve decided to let someone in, figuratively and literally. It represents and reflects the fact that you aren’t completely closed off, because you can open the door to let people in – but when you open that door is your choice. You get to decide who comes in, and who has to leave at any moment. It is your house, and you get to decide what behaviour you tolerate inside it. Some people might allow others to wear shoes inside the house, while others don’t like it. It’s your house, they are your boundaries, and you get to decide.

Writing | Michelle Elman

Walls, on the other hand, close you off from the world and prevent intimacy. The purpose of boundaries is to allow for healthier relationships, and enable people to feel vulnerable while also staying safe. Putting walls up can lead to mistrust in a relationship, but boundaries lead to healthier communication.

So, why do we put up walls?

Well, for most people, it’s because they’re scared. They are afraid of vulnerability, fearful of having a hard conversation, or scared that setting a boundary will be perceived as being mean, and so think it’ll be easier to cut a relationship off.

It also might stem from misconceptions, where people believe that setting boundaries is mean. It’s important to understand that healthy boundaries in themselves are not mean, but how you communicate them might be. In actuality, people aren’t setting boundaries to hurt you, they are doing it to protect themselves, and more often than not, it is an attempt to save and improve the relationship rather than end it.

If you’re getting to a stage where you feel it is time to end a relationship, ask yourself if the person knows that you are upset. Consider whether you have set a boundary, reinforced it clearly, and given the person an opportunity to

change any behaviour that crosses this. If this is the case, and they have continued to ignore your boundary, you would be within your rights to choose to end the relationship. However, it’s vital to give some grace. If your first boundary is your final boundary, you are not allowing room for human error.

Humans make mistakes, and in any interaction or exchange between two humans there can be a risk of being hurt or offended. Instead of having a one strike policy, and judging the people in your life on whether they hurt you, judge them on what they do when you tell them about the hurt created and what their next steps are. How do they amend their behaviour moving forwards? Do they make efforts to respect your boundaries in future?

That’s the key difference between a wall and a boundary. We do not want to be cutting people out of our lives entirely or ending relationships for good when someone makes a mistake, or on their first error, because it also means when you mess up (which is inevitable because you are human!) you will judge yourself more harshly, too!

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman

It’s never too late to be

LGBTQIA+

Exploring the journey of ‘coming out’ and being true to your authentic self

In 2021, for the first time ever, the Office for National Statistics asked people in England and Wales about their sexual orientation and gender identity. The landmark census confirmed an upward trend in the number of Britons who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. The census also found that there are 262,000 openly trans people in England and Wales.

Personally, I ticked the heterosexual box, and stuffed my queerness aside for a few more years. But, now I’m a fully out, late-bloomer, and I’m proud to see my community represented not just in historical records, but in mainstream culture, too.

At the age of 33, Elliot Page came out as trans. We’re watching the queerest Doctor Who line-up in history. Reality TV has become a platform for Chrishell Stause, star of Netflix’s Selling Sunset, to marry her non-binary partner. The message is clear: it’s never too late to be true to yourself.

Of course, it’s not always that simple. Trying to understand your sexuality and/or gender in

adulthood can be complex and sometimes traumatic, but the benefits are worth discussing.

For example, a study published in the journal Pediatrics found that young transgender people who use their chosen name at work, school, and home, instead of the name given to them at birth, report fewer depressive symptoms and fewer suicidal thoughts and behaviours. Additionally, researchers at the Centre for Studies on Human Stress at Louis H Lafonatine Hospital, in Canada, revealed that lesbians, gays, and bisexuals who are ‘out’ have lower stress hormone levels, and fewer symptoms of anxiety, depression, and burnout, compared to those who mask their sexual or gender identity.

With that said, no one should pressure you to come out, and the most important thing is getting comfortable with yourself, regardless of what others may think.

COMING OUT TO YOURSELF

There are probably a bunch of reasons bubbling under your

confusion. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected from the façade you present to other people, or perhaps you’re daydreaming about exploring different kinds of relationships, introducing family to your partner, or finding a community of folks who understand the real you.

As a proud late bloomer, I know how these thoughts can shake your foundations, and how we become experts at avoiding them entirely. I didn’t spend my life consciously hiding my sexuality from others. It was so deeply hidden under a lifetime of social conditioning, I had no idea it was there until I started therapy.

During this period of questioning my sexuality, I chose to speak to my therapist (who I found through the Counselling Directory) because I didn’t want to come out to anyone until I felt certain about my identity. In between sessions, writing in my journal gave me space to privately reflect on thoughts, feelings, and experiences dating back to childhood, and observe the bigger picture of my sexuality. >>>

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

SUPPORT

Switchboard, the LGBTQIA+ support line: 0800 0119 100

Email: hello@switchboard.lgbt

Online chat is also available through their homepage: switchboard.lgbt

Samaritans helpline: 116 123 Email: jo@samaritans.org

These two things combined allowed me to safely come out to myself at a comfortable pace.

COMING OUT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Deciding to come out to friends and family can’t be rushed. You’ve discovered a beautiful part of yourself, so tread softly as you reveal this to others, and consider talking it over with an LGBTQIA+ therapist or friend.

“Be prepared to be surprised,” says therapist Rosalind Pistilli. “The person you think is going to have the hardest time with this might be the most supportive, and the person you think is going to be the most supportive may be the one who struggles with this.”

Having spent 18 years of my life in a heterosexual relationship – six of them married – coming out as a lesbian challenged everything people knew about me, and they needed time to reconcile those changes.

“It may take them a moment to process this, and some of them may never appropriately process this,” continues Rosalind. “Losing friends and family is hard, but many people are surprised by how supportive their friends and family can be.”

On a positive note, I’ve found that coming out has enriched many of my relationships, because I now bring the real me to the party (she’s a lot of fun) and have fostered some genuinely deep connections.

FIND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Although 35 might seem young to call myself a late bloomer,

the grief for those lost years is palpable. Contrasted with the exhilaration of trying new things for the first time, the swinging pendulum of emotions can often leave late bloomers feeling exhausted and confused.

My friends have been an invaluable source of emotional support, but I cherish the wisdom gained from speaking to other queer women. As a late bloomer remarked recently, “You don’t get a queer friend group assigned to you when you come out.” She’s right, it takes conscious effort and a dose of patience to create a network of like-minded pals.

Rosalind agrees. “When you’re navigating these things alone, it can feel very isolating and like you’re the only one feeling this way, but having a queer community can help you see that what you’re going through is really quite normal.”

If you’re a bit shy, queer books, blogs, and podcasts can gently introduce you to the community, and quieten your fear of not being ‘queer enough’ to enter into certain spaces. When you’re ready, Eventbrite is a hive of queer activity, both for online and real-life events.

EMBRACING THE TRUE YOU

Coming to terms with your sexual and/or gender identity can give you a taste of freedom that ripples through all areas of your life. For me, it kickstarted a spiritual journey that has me meditating regularly, and reading tarot to strengthen my intuition, something that decades of sexual repression had silenced. I always

told myself I wasn’t smart enough to write poetry, but now I’m planning to read my work at an open mic night.

Being openly queer is an act of courage, so you might be pleasantly surprised when you see your bravery in action. You’ll likely find yourself exploring new ways of expressing yourself through clothes, hair, and makeup with less resistance than before. Gender norms that previously dissuaded you from exploring a particular career path or hobby may now seem worth challenging. In an ideal world, no one would have to come out to state their sexuality or gender. Alas, we live in a system built on binaries and heterosexuality, and as unnerving as it is to claim your queer identity – either privately or publicly – I want you to know that it’s so much more than just choosing a box to tick. It’s about having the compassion – at any age – to choose yourself.

Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.

Fiona

Happiful reads...

From a pocket-read about friendship to a journaling book connecting you with the outdoor world, here are four insightful books to add to your literary line-up

In the age of social media and 24-hour news, it can sometimes feel as though the world is powered by negativity. That’s why it’s more important than ever to be generous to others and override these stories with ones of thoughtfulness and kindness.

Must reads

The Wild Remedy

Journal: Finding Wellness in Nature

by Emma Mitchell

As spring opens its doors to lighter evenings and longer days, it’s the perfect time to take your journaling habits into the wild. For Emma, the outdoor world was the remedy she needed to alleviate her anxiety, and her hope is to take you on your own healing experience with nature by giving you the space to reflect and journal.

Helping us to rewrite the narrative and reclaim the internet as a force for good is Chris Anderson, head of TED, who is on a mission to make generosity infectious: a ripple effect of kindness that spreads from person to person. His book, Infectious Generosity, is

Feel Good in 15: 15-Minute Recipes, Workouts + Health

Hacks by Joe Wicks

Making time for our health can be difficult when we have a lot on, but we shouldn’t let this put us off from doing anything at all. Joe Wicks shows us the ropes on how to boost our health and wellbeing when we don’t have much time – providing recipes, home workouts, and health hacks that can be done in just 15 minutes.

Infectious

Generosity: The Ultimate Idea

Worth Spreading by Chris Anderson

devoted to showing you how to cultivate this mindset to make long-lasting change in the world.

With You Every Step: A Celebration of Friendship by Rob

Burrow and Kevin Sinfield

When rugby icon Rob Burrow was diagnosed with motor neurone disease, Kevin Sinfield (his coach and best friend) stepped up to raise money and awareness for Rob and the MND community. To celebrate friendships just like this one, this pocket book shares a number of heartfelt quotes about companionship that we can resonate with at any age.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

PLAYING WITH ART

Making art doesn’t have to be so serious. Here, we’re exploring ‘found art’ and how putting play back into creativity could boost your wellbeing, as well as your productivity

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

Isift through the sheets of A4 paper, searching the sentences for interesting words and phrases. I then take my scissors and carefully cut away. Soon, I have a pile of fragments from these documents. I get a blank piece of paper and start arranging the cut-out words to form new sentences, new ideas. I spend some time playing around with it, moving words around, trying different orders. After a while, I’m happy with the poem I’ve created – it’s something new out of something old.

This is a technique sometimes known as ‘found poetry’. In essence, found poetry, and found object art, involve creating new artistic work from existing materials. It could be cutting up old letters into a poem or making a collage out of anything from old receipts and ticket stubs to takeaway menus or magazine cuttings.

It’s a form of creative work I’ve been drawn to for a long time. There’s something satisfying in being able to create something new out of things that already exist, as well as a sense of freedom – there is no right or wrong way

to do this. I love the unusual and unexpected connections that can be made when seemingly random words or images are juxtaposed on the page.

Found objects were a key feature of Dadaism and surrealism, two important art movements of the 20th century. I’ve always been drawn to the Dada ‘cut-out technique’, which involves cutting up magazines and newspapers to create absurd or satirical collages. Work like this can ask questions about the nature of art, and how it relates to life.

FOUND ART AND WELLBEING

“Found art can help guide us through the oppositional nature of life, where the many restrictions and containments placed on us can also lead us to a greater need for freedom and autonomy,” says counsellor Katie Schofield.

“In other words, we can often feel hopeless and oppressed by conditions placed on us that are outside of our control, but within that, breeds the desire for selfagency. By using mediums that already exist to create something new, it can help us acknowledge

what is within our control and further encourage choice and self-expression. It can teach us that the self is limitless, and continues to want to be heard and understood – either by ourselves or others – regardless of the limits placed on us.”

The nature of found art, in using and arranging pre-existing materials, is part of the benefit – we can create something new out of anything, and there are no rules about what we can make. “Whether it is to develop our understanding on a logical level, or an experiential level, found art grants us the inner sense of expansion and freedom that we always needed but never knew existed,” says Katie.

“Found art can support us with our wellbeing by helping us move from feeling stuck to feeling more open and hopeful,” she adds. “The experience can help us reconnect to ourselves and our surroundings, which, in turn, creates a sense of purpose and meaning. Essentially, it can remind us that we matter, regardless of the things happening to us that are outside of our control.”

HOW TO GIVE IT A GO

Many of us are used to the idea of creativity being something with a set purpose or aim. Part of the joy of found art is about doing our best to let go of a sense of restrictions. It can take some time to allow yourself to feel this freedom, so don’t worry if your first time trying found art feels a little difficult, or you feel a resistance to being creative in this kind of way.

You may want to create a piece of found art around a loose theme. For me and the notes I cut up, for example, I focused on medical notes that felt disconnected from my lived experience. I wanted to take something disempowering and create poetry that reflected

how alienating these words felt – almost like I was reclaiming these words. The poem I created had some flow to it, but I didn’t worry too much about the form. Sometimes, the absurdity of found art is part of its appeal.

You could take anything with words on it, or have a hunt for old items that you no longer need. Those ticket stubs from past gigs? That leaflet that’s been sitting on the kitchen counter? Those catalogues, those shopping lists, junk mail, bus tickets, postcards… anything!

Find something like a sheet of paper or card, and get some glue or tape, and scissors. Try moving things around, see what works, what interesting contrasts appear,

or what words or images seem to complement each other.

If you feel daunted by this process, another option is to let things fall onto the page and to keep them in place wherever they land. Or, do like the Dadaists, and take words at random to create new lines. Do what works for you, letting yourself enjoy the process and trying not to worry about ideas of what art ‘should’ look like.

For me, found art is a way of kindling my creativity that lets go of ideas of perfectionism, that gives me the freedom to be messy and have fun. So have a go – you may be surprised at what you create, and the joy you get from playing with art.

Ask the experts

Can hypnotherapy help me stop biting my nails?

Cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist Morag Stevenson answers your questions on hypnotherapy for nail biting.

Read more about Morag on Hypnotherapy Directory.

Why might people bite their nails?

AThere probably isn’t just one reason you nail-bite. When you take a step back and observe when you chew your nails, several reasons may emerge. It can be your way of dealing with nervous Q

Q

How does hypnosis work to stop nail biting?

AThe relaxed yet focused hypnotic mindset invites you to leave your everyday life for a while, and shift into an imaginative realm where you can experiment with how it feels to behave and think differently. To stop nail biting, you can use

tension when anxious thoughts and overwhelm make your body and mind agitated and fidgety. It can be a habit you engage in when you’re bored and don’t know what to do with yourself. The chewing, inspection, biting, and pulling keep you engaged and make you feel busy. It can also be

your way of procrastinating. While you nail bite, you aren’t accomplishing your tasks, and yet it feels as if you’re busy as your hands and mouth are hard at work. In sum, it’s something your body and mind are ‘naturally’ drawn to when you are either overstimulated or understimulated.

hypnosis to both free you from limiting beliefs that hold you back, and strengthen new, more useful thoughts and behaviours. The negative thoughts are weakened as you experience a beautiful visualisation that reinforces a future image of well-cared-for fingers and nails. Your mind is receptive and you feel confident and eager

to use your creative, helpful changes in reality. This strong imagery will remain rooted in your unconscious mind long after your hypnosis session, and will drift to the surface if you start to pick. You’ll be surprised how you naturally leave your nails alone as you tune back into your visualisation’s positive and powerful atmosphere.

QWhat can I expect from a hypnotherapy session?

AYou won’t be put into hypnosis from the start of the session. In hypnotherapy for nail biting, your practitioner will first gently help you open up about the details of your habit: where, when, and how you nail-bite. A habit is perpetuated because it gives you something, and so the hypnotherapist will encourage you to identify and recognise the pleasure or ‘reward’ you get from nail biting. You will then elaborate coping strategies together, which may include

learning relaxation techniques to use if tense or anxious, identifying the trigger situations and effective ways to navigate them, and creating a strong coping affirmation and movement to use if/when you nail-bite.

Finally, hypnosis lets the dreamy, intuitive, unconscious part of your mind reinforce your goal and coping strategies. Your words and images will be woven into a personal script that you can listen to regularly to help you achieve your dream.

Top tips for stopping nail biting at home

• Have a self-care nail kit (a file, hand cream, and a cuticle clipper) with you. Instead of picking, use this.

• When you notice you are nailbiting, stop, close your hands into gentle fists, and take a couple of conscious gentle breaths, extending the exhale. This will calm down your nervous system and disrupt the pattern.

• Create your affirmation, repeat it regularly, and write it down, too. An affirmation reinforces your new mindset. Make it short, positive, and forward-looking, e.g. ‘I look after and nurture my hands.’

• Challenge any negative thoughts, for example ‘I’ll never be able to stop.’ It’s not because we have a thought that we must believe it. Challenge it with a big ‘No!’ and imagine a stop sign flashing in your mind.

• If you do bite your nails, don’t feel you’ve failed, just carry on applying the top tips. Little by little, the habit will fade.

“The human heart has a way of making itself large again even after it’s been broken into a million pieces

ROBERT JAMES WALLER

Photograph | Samson Katt

6 effective tips to reduce wedding stress

(from experts who’ve been there themselves)

Weddings can be some of the happiest – and most stressful – days of our lives. So, how can you ditch the stress, and refocus on what really matters on your wedding day?

Weddings are a celebration of love, commitment, and family. So, why do so many of us find planning them so stressful? One 2023 survey from wedding planning app Zola even found that an overwhelming 94% of us feel stressed while planning our big day.

If you stop to think about it, it’s no wonder it can be a stressful time when you’re trying to juggle managing your budget, family and personal expectations, finding a location, and catering for different dietary requirements, alongside hunting down the right outfits, invitations, and colour scheme. It’s stressful just writing it all down, and that’s only a fraction of the tasks many couples will complete. And let’s not forget, we typically give ourselves just 12 to 18 months between getting engaged and tying the knot. That’s a lot for anyone to handle.

So, what can you do to avoid feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious while planning your wedding? To get the inside scoop on the best advice, who better to ask than counsellors and psychotherapists who’ve been there themselves? Here are their transformative top tips:

Identify what matters to you

Counsellor and clinical supervisor

Jacqui Parkin says deciding your true non-negotiables early on can have a huge impact.

“It can be tempting to get stuck into the finer details about your special day, but searching for perfection can be a recipe for stress. Write down your top non-negotiables (maybe your ideal venue, your perfect colour scheme, your key bridesmaids) and get those locked in. Anything else can be considered a ‘nice to have’, but you can move forward stress-free, knowing that the essentials for your dream day are in the bag.”

Delegate, delegate, delegate

“Choose a good support team and delegate, delegate, delegate. You don’t have to do it all yourself – honestly!” Jacqui says. “The most effective organisers have a list of trusted contacts to call upon for advice or practical help. Pick two or three people you can depend upon and bring them into your circle of wedding planning trust. Sitting down, sharing your vision and expectations, and then dividing up tasks according to skills and temperament can bring immediate relief – your only job is then to arrange periodic updates so that you all know where you’re at.”

Don’t give away too many details

Recently married psychotherapist

Justine Sheedly found that too much advice and input could lead to putting others’ ideas and wishes before their own.

“Taking wedding advice from others is challenging and, more >>>

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

frequently, the happy couple can be seen taking steps to please their guests above themselves. Be vague when others ask you questions about your forthcoming nuptials, leaving less room for discussion and suggestions, and more time to focus on what you both want.”

Make time to relax together before your big day

Having time out to connect together, away from the stress of wedding planning, work, and everyday life, can have a significant impact on your mood. “Have a weekend or night alone together, reminding yourselves why you’re getting married,” suggests Justine. “Play games, have fun, enjoy each other.”

Justine

Justine also reminds us that it’s normal to have a dip in our moods after the big day. “Once the wedding is over, a drop in stress hormones can make us feel more anxious, tired, and low in mood. Like holiday blues, the brain has exaggerated the ‘return to normal function’ to make it feel more mundane and less attractive.”

It can be helpful to plan some gentle days or evenings together for after your wedding and honeymoon, to help you readjust to ‘normal’ life.

Focus on your vision and avoid people-pleasing

It can be easy to fall into the trap of trying to please everyone else and letting your own wants, needs, and desires for your big day fall by the wayside. When psychotherapist and counsellor Lorraine Collins got married, to

Sheedly is a psychotherapist with a special interest in generational trauma.

Jacqui Parkin is a counsellor and clincial supervisor.

reduce stress and anxiety levels, they decided to have an intimate wedding.

“My family heritage is Jamaican, and weddings have always been an excuse for a fullon party. At the time I decided to get married, it coincided with my ongoing struggle with anxiety. The idea of being the centre of attention filled me with dread. After a long time trying to figure out what was best, my partner and I decided to get married in Jamaica with just four guests. Our family were none too pleased, but respected our wishes.

“We later had a party back in the UK for friends and family. I could sense we’d disappointed some family members and friends. Yet looking back, it was

Communication is key

Be open about how you’re feeling with your partner, family, and friends. It’s natural to feel some level of stress when planning your big day, but the people around you may not be aware of just how much it’s affecting you.

probably the turning point in my life – overcoming peoplepleasing.”

It can be difficult to put yourselves first (as individuals and a couple), but it’s important to remember that your big day is about you, and should make you happy. Making big decisions can be tough, but as Lorraine explains, it can have a huge impact on how you feel leading up to – and thinking back on –your wedding day.

“The decision was a difficult one. I felt guilty about not meeting other people’s expectations. Realising how important my own mental health and peace of mind were helped me to make the decision. It wasn’t my responsibility to manage the disappointment of others.”

Psychotherapist and trauma specialist Tina Chummun shares why communication is so important at this time. “Effective communication between couples is crucial in managing stress and overwhelm during wedding planning. Research shows open and honest communication helps reduce stress levels, and promotes better problem-solving skills.

“It’s essential for couples to express concerns, discuss expectations, and delegate responsibilities to avoid conflicts and promote support. This is especially true when there are conflicting values, beliefs, and ways of doing things from all parties which can intrude on what the couple actually want. There are cultures where overinvolvement of family members can override the wishes of the bride and groom, and in such cases, healthy boundaries need to be established.”

It’s also important to ensure that you and your partner are communicating effectively. Take time to catch up together to make sure you’re on the same page and to avoid any accidental misunderstandings. Hopefully that way, you can take the big stress out of your big day, and instead focus on making some magical memories together.

Lorraine Collins is a psychotherapist and counsellor.

Tina Chummun is a psychotherapist and trauma specialist.

Discover more about these professionals and get in touch via their profiles on the Counselling Directory

Taking the steps

From quiet, solitary wanders to walk and talk therapy, how can we use the simple act of walking to support our health and wellbeing?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Icould follow this route in my sleep. Cross the road and turn left. Take a right by the library and you’re into a small field with a stream running by its side. Somewhere near here, someone keeps chickens in their garden; although you can’t see them, you can hear their clucks and coos. Cross another road and you’re back on quiet lanes. Eventually, you’ll pass two alpacas and a rescue horse behind a halfheight stone wall, before taking a turn to cross the stream again and head back into town. Then, return home, with a head that feels clearer for your outdoor exploits. Sometimes, a walk is a solution. It’s the remedy for a tired mind after a long day, it’s a respite from monotony, and it’s a blank slate for the steady flow of fresh thoughts. Sometimes it’s simply a gentle form of exercise that gets you from A to B but, even so, it always seems to have meaning of some sort.

In her book, 52 Ways to Walk, Annabel Streets explores the science of walking for wellness and joy one week at a time,

calling on us to rethink walking, “to reclaim it from our molecular memories”.

“Think of it as a means of unravelling towns and cities,” she writes. “Of connecting with nature, of bonding with our dogs, of fostering friendships, of finding faith and freedom, of giving two fingers to air-polluting traffic, of nurturing our sense of smell, of satisfying our cravings for starlight and darkness, of helping us appreciate the exquisitely complicated and beautiful world we inhabit.”

Cast your mind back to the unseasonably warm March of 2020, when the UK entered the first national lockdown. Several studies since have confirmed what many of us could have predicted: the number of people going on walks spiked, and four years later, many have kept up the habit. With restrictions around how we could socialise, meeting up outside became the solution to staying in touch with loved ones. It presented the challenge to try out new ways of doing things, as counsellor Nigel

Moyse discovered when he began taking his sessions out of the counselling room to try walking therapy.

“I actually read about it on the internet and thought, wow, that sounds like a great idea. But I never got around to it until, during one of the lockdowns, I was contacted by a past client who I’d got on really well with. We had closed the counselling room I was using, and agreed that we weren’t going to open it again for several months. So, I thought, what if I offer him walking therapy? I was highly sceptical as to whether it would work. He was sceptical too, but we tried it and he’s never looked back.”

Walking therapy, also called ‘walk and talk therapy’, takes traditional counselling sessions outdoors – and it soon became a staple offering for Nigel. After a first session in a counselling room, Nigel offers to meet his clients at their preferred location – covering natural spaces, parklands, and canal paths. They then, as you might expect, walk and talk. >>>

ACCESSIBILITY ALERT

The benefits of ecotherapy can still be enjoyed without the walking requirement.

Outdoor therapy allows you to embrace opening up in a fresh, less formal environment, and find support.

When we meet – in a busy Oxford café after the walk that we had planned is rained off – Nigel shows me his copy of The Alter Ego Effect by Canadian performance coach Todd Herman. Nigel points to a moment in the book when Todd writes about his own kind of walk and talk he does with clients. “I’ll almost always take them for a walk along the Hudson,” he writes. “We walk because, in my experience, humans are more prone to open up when they’re moving. Plus the fresh air and exercise never hurt.”

I put it to Nigel that there’s something less confrontational about opening up when you’re walking, and he agrees.

“You’re walking side by side, you’re not looking into each other’s eyes,” Nigel says. “That might be intimidating for some people, having someone looking at them the whole time. And I think some clients are still slightly sceptical or just frightened of therapy in general. I think that’s just because they’re worried about being exposed. In reality, I don’t think therapy is necessarily as powerful as people fear. You don’t have to tell a therapist everything about yourself. I very often say to clients, please don’t tell me things you don’t want to tell me. It’s very important.”

The sure-footed, empathetic approach that Nigel describes, which combines the wellbeing benefits of talking therapy and gentle exercise, contrasts the

more formal picture many may imagine therapy to be. But it’s also miles away from what Nigel experienced the first time he attended.

“The very first therapist I ever went to was actually a psychoanalyst in Italy, and he didn’t say anything,” Nigel shares. “He just looked at me with a very severe face. I was really quite frightened and I never went back. In those days, the idea was to not say anything, and let the anxiety build up in the client to the extent that they would blurt out things they didn’t really necessarily mean to say.”

The scene that Nigel recalls feels worlds away from the vision of two people walking side by side, gradually talking through problems, while trust naturally grows. And while research into walk and talk is in its infancy, one small-scale study that looked at 40 participants over a programme of 12–18 weeks, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology in 2021, found that walk and talk coaching in a natural setting can be particularly effective for reducing symptoms of burnout, with some mental health improvements already visible after only the second walk. Back to Annabel Streets and 52 Ways to Walk, and she also writes about walking meditation – the practice of combining meditation with movement and fresh air. The principles of walking meditation involve maintaining awareness of your body as you move, perhaps syncing your breath with the

steps that you take, and making an effort to remain present, but the precise details will be led by you alone.

“There is no right or wrong way to do walking meditation, no recommended speed, timing, posture or location,” Annabel writes. “The point is to use the physical process of walking to bring your attention entirely to the present.”

Coincidentally, the day that I write this is the day that a landmark study of 70,000 people, published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, found that every extra step above 2,200 steps a day lowers the risk of heart disease and early death, even when spending the rest of the day sedentary. It’s a reminder that – whether it’s getting out for a walk around the block on lunch, meeting up with a friend in a park, having difficult conversations on-the-go, or taking what we thought we knew about therapy and making it something new – with slow and steady progress we can reach our goals, whatever they may be, by taking one step at a time.

Nigel Moyse is an accredited counsellor, life coach, and part-time chess coach. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

In challenging times, use these mantras to help you through 10 affirmations for tough days

Mistakes are just lessons that have yet to be learned.

I can’t control what others do, but I can control how I react.

I EXHALE WORRY, AND INHALE COURAGE.

I let go of the things I cannot control.

I have overcome obstacles before, and I will again.

I am smart. I am strong. I am capable. I can do this. I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY MISTAKES.

I RISE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY.

I am doing my best, and that is enough.

Just the ticket: Care for your wellbeing while commuting

Make the most of your daily commute with these seven quick tips

Commuting. Does anyone really enjoy it? The daily commute can be one of the most stressful ways to start – and finish – your day. One 2022 study, published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, exploring the effects of commuting time on quality of life, found that the longer our commutes, the lower our satisfaction with work and life. But what if we could use our commute more effectively, turning it from something we dread, into the chance to look after ourselves?

Here are seven quick ways you can take care of your mental health during your daily commute.

Come prepared. Plan ahead and get things ready to help make your morning commute go smoothly. Always running late? Get your bags packed, outfit ready, and everything you need by the door. Need a morning caffeine boost, but don’t have the time to queue up? Set out your travel mug ready to help speed things up in the

morning. Ensuring you have had enough sleep and a nutritionally balanced breakfast can also help you to start your morning travels in a better headspace – which can make any unforeseen changes that little bit easier to navigate.

Practise mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a tool that can help you to become more selfaware, calmer, and more in control of your responses to thoughts and feelings, as well as reducing feelings of stress. Regularly practising mindfulness can not only improve attention and concentration, but can even help our relationships. Switch doomscrolling on the tube for focusing on the moment, being aware of your surroundings, and how you feel. Or try an audioguided meditation to help you feel more present, relaxed, and ready for the day.

Learn something new and build a great habit. How often do we find ourselves saying, ‘If only I had more time, I would…’ Your commute offers the perfect opportunity to develop positive habits each and every

day, during a dedicated time you are guaranteed to have. Why not try learning a new language, listening to a podcast, or if you’re taking the train or bus, starting a short online course? Learning new skills can help improve your brain health, memory, and increase your sense of happiness.

Switch up your routine. Is the way you commute set in stone, or is there room to approach things a bit differently? Consider getting off your train or bus one stop earlier to start your day with a mindful walk. For shorter commutes, make the switch from driving to cycling. Spending time outside in the fresh air can boost your mood, while moving more can increase your energy levels, concentration, and motivation.

Find a buddy.

Making your commute a social experience can not only support cutting down costs through giving each other a lift, but can also create time for connection outside of the office. The more socially connected we feel, the more likely we are to make

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Why not try learning a new language, listening to a podcast, or if you’re taking the train or bus, starting a short online course?

healthy choices, as well as to look after our mental and physical wellbeing.

Focus on gratitude. It’s understandable to feel fed up or resentful of long commutes. Focusing on fostering a positive mindset and finding small things you are grateful for can help you to reframe these automatic negative thoughts, and find something good in your day. Try

to make a list of the little things that have made you feel grateful today. This time for reflection can also allow you to unwind and release tension that may have built over the day.

Embrace moments of me-time. Having time to yourself can be so beneficial for personal development and growth. While being on a packed commuter train or being stuck in traffic may

not seem like the ideal moment, you can still find ways of taking this time to think, focus on you, and let go of outside pressures and expectations. Take a moment to listen to your favourite music, let your mind wander, or even plan something fun or relaxing – however small – that you want to do with your evening ahead. Banish thoughts of work and chores, and let yourself have a moment to just be.

Support the beating heart of your business, by prioritising employees’ mental wellbeing. Purchasing a print subscription to Happiful provides a monthly delivery of positivity straight to their door, packed with expert insight, life-changing hacks, and a wealth of self-help guidance.

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How do I stop ‘parentifying’ my child?

Our relationships with our parents can be complex – yet most of us know we can rely on them for support and guidance. But what happens when roles become reversed?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

It’s normal to have certain ideas and expectations of our relationships with our children. We are there to provide love and support, to make sure they are fed, safe, and in a stable environment where they can grow and mature without worry. But what happens when big life events happen to change that? What happens when we start looking to our children to help support their younger siblings, or even ourselves, when times are tough?

What is parentification? Also known as parent-child role reversal, parentification can happen in different ways. These include instrumental parentification (when a child is expected to help with physical tasks, like looking after a younger brother or sister), or emotional (when they are expected to act as

a mediator between parents or as a confidant).

Counsellor Georgina Sturmer explains more. “Parentification is a type of role reversal when a child takes on a nurturing, supportive role towards their parent. It goes beyond the reciprocal sense of care and compassion that we would expect to see in a family. Instead, it feels more like the child is ‘parenting’ their own parent, with the practical and emotional tasks and burdens that this entails.”

Why does parentification happen?

Parentification can happen slowly over time, or suddenly due to changes in circumstances or big life events. Both children and teens can experience it. What may start out as a parent intending to lean on their child for a little while to help with a

specific event like a new baby being born or a divorce, can change into a pattern that may be hard to break. Sometimes, if children volunteer to help, it can be difficult to remember that they are still young and shouldn’t have too many responsibilities for too long.

Georgina reveals more about why we may lean on our children at times. “On a practical level, a parent with additional needs might find it difficult to meet the needs of their own child, especially if they are lacking in additional support. On an emotional level, a parent might lack the emotional resources or maturity that we need in order to look after our children. This might be the result of their own emotional wounds from childhood, or past trauma from life events or previous relationships. Or we might be >>>

re-enacting our own childhood if we were parented by a stifling or controlling parent.”

How do I know if I am accidentally parentifying my child?

The signs may not always be as clear as we may expect. Accidental parentification can happen, especially when we are feeling unsupported, stressed, or overwhelmed. But what if you are worried you may be putting too much pressure on your child? There are four key areas we can keep an eye on to help us figure out if we may be putting more

expectations and responsibilities on our children than we may realise.

“If you are worried that you are accidentally parentifying your child, tune-in to their emotions and behaviours,” Georgina says. “Do they seem to be in keeping with their age and stage of development? Or do they seem more independent, or worldly, or autonomous than you might expect?

“Consider the role that you expect them to play. Does it go beyond the usual household chores? Are you expecting them to do the lion’s share of practical

tasks at home? Are you leaning on them for emotional support for yourself?

“Reflect on the boundaries that exist within your family. Do you and your child have a clear understanding of what you can expect from each other, and do these boundaries feel appropriate? Think about whether your child asks for support. Parentified children often suppress their own needs and emotions.”

Is parentification always bad?

Research suggests that children who experience parentification

It feels more like the child is ‘parenting’ their own parent, with the practical and emotional tasks and burdens that this entails

towards a brother or sister, or who see their parents in a positive light, can experience long-term positive effects. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies in 2022 suggested that parentification may give some children feelings of competence and self-efficacy, which can help them develop positive feelings of self-worth and self-image over time.

It can also have positive impacts on a child’s levels of independence, Georgina says. “Parentified children are often encouraged to be independent at a young age. This can be helpful in some circumstances, as they develop practical, independent skills.”

While there can be some positives, it’s still not recommended to deliberately parentify children. Research suggests that early childhood development is the foundation for our later lives. It shapes our behaviours, emotional

development, and abilities to learn, manage stress, and maintain relationships. Some experts warn that, when we put too many responsibilities on children too young, this can lead to a need for perfectionism and setting unachievable high standards for themselves. Over time, too much pressure can lead to stress and anxiety.

How can I stop parentifying my children?

If you’re worried you might be parentifying your children, there are steps you can take to change things. Knowing what signs to look out for can be vital in helping you redefine what healthy boundaries and ageappropriate responsibilities look like.

Georgina suggests that we face things head-on. “Tackle what’s going on. Start thinking about roles and boundaries within your home. How can you adjust your responsibilities and actions

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor who specialises in supporting women. Check out her profile on the Counselling Directory.

so that everyone is playing an appropriate role?”

Working with a professional can also be a huge help. “Explore the root cause. Therapy can be a helpful way to explore the roots of these behaviours, and challenge our relationships with our family and our children,” Georgina explains. “Support your child. Give your child opportunities to explore how they feel about the situation, and to experience the carefree, creative side of being a child. Play with them, and help them to understand that you are the adult and that you will look after them appropriately.”

Therapy can provide a safe space for you to talk through your concerns and worries without fear of judgement. Therapists can help you to examine and identify unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviour patterns, learn new, healthier ways of coping, and make positive, sustainable changes for you and your child.

A journey of self-discovery

Our expert columnist Nikita Thakrar discusses how to navigate and recenter when it feels like we have lost ourselves, in order to find our way

We all go through stages in our life, where we feel ‘lost’, and as though we do not belong. For some of us, it can be during childhood, as we experience a sense of separation from our siblings, school, or society. For others, it starts in our teenage years when our relationship with our parents creates distance, and we develop unease at home. Others may look back on their early adulthood, where they lacked direction or clarity about what to do with their lives, and for many it is their later years when they reflect upon what they have accomplished. Regardless of the period in our lives it arises, the feeling of estrangement and, in some cases, alienation is very real. Being made to feel misunderstood is an isolating experience. Not able to relate to those around you, as though you do not ‘fit in’ and, most importantly, not being seen or heard. As we change, grow, and evolve, we may feel even more

disconnected from those around us, particularly through outgrowing friends or drifting apart from those who were once close to us. All of this provides us with scope to turn inwards, and understand who we truly are.

By redirecting our focus internally, we give ourselves permission to let go of the norms of society, and develop a deeper understanding of ourselves. This brings greater self-awareness, and ultimately selfacceptance.

THE POWER OF A STRONG SENSE OF SELF

Having a strong sense of self is fundamental in terms of bridging a gap between us and the external world. We all know that our thoughts create our feelings, and our feelings influence our behaviours, which subsequently reinforce our beliefs. By being aware of our thoughts and ‘catching’ them gives us control. Metaphorically realising that the mind is the car, and we are the driver, puts us in an empowering position.

Nikita is a multifaceted teacher, mentor and coach combining transformative modalities to support people to find their life purpose. Visit the Therapy Directory for more.

Knowing our own preferences and embracing all aspects of our personality traits builds our confidence. Instead of resisting elements of ourselves, we start to form bonds with each part, recognising that they contribute to our whole existence.

HOW A HOLISTIC PERSPECTIVE HELPS

Looking at our lives holistically is a positive way of developing selfesteem. One method of doing this is to pay attention to the language patterns that we use, both verbally and non-verbally. The things that we say, and most importantly the way we say it, is a strong indication of the subconscious mind – the part of ourselves which we are not aware of.

Photography | Julia Morris

Those who suffer from an inferiority complex, i.e. low selfworth, may put themselves down in public, or use any opportunity to beat themselves up over the smallest of things. Alternatively, they may use humour as a way of seeking validation from others. Often simply being aware of this pattern is enough to make a change, should they choose to. Most of our beliefs are formed in younger years, but now we know that it’s never too late to create new neural pathways in the brain, hence we can still develop a new empowering belief system.

‘WHAT WE THINK WE BECOME.’

Personal development is a growing industry, with more people turning to coaches and counsellors for support. The common thread between most forms of therapy is becoming aware of your thoughts, and then choosing how you act on them. The process also invites us to eliminate shame, blame, and guilt, as we start to become responsible and accountable. For some, this can be transformational, as they heal their wounds and come to peace with their past, in order to move forwards.

If you are going through a period in life where you are feeling low, know that you are not alone. You can seek help via any of the following resources:

• Turn to a trusted parent, relative, or friend.

• Speak to your place of education or work.

• Consider getting counselling or coaching.

• NHS GP or 111.

• Call Samaritans on 116 123.

We are opening our minds to the idea that we create our own destiny, whereas before we may have assumed that life simply happened by itself. Developing a strong mindset is arguably the most challenging, yet the most empowering thing that anyone can do. Spending time meditating, reading, journaling, and reflecting is just as important as exercising. After all, we are physical, mental, and emotional beings.

Happiful recommends

From an eco-friendly reading gift to a game designed to make your world a little kinder, check out our enriching wellbeing recommendations

1

PAGE-TURNERS

One Day by David Nicholls

In a life-affirming story about friendship, missed opportunities and timing, we follow two best friends, Emma and Dexter, over the course of 20 years as we revisit the ups and downs of their lives and their evolving connection with each other. What will each year have in store for them? (Out now, £9.99)

2

OUT AND ABOUT

3

ACT OF KINDNESS

Share one thing you’ve learnt from Happiful

At Happiful, we’re committed to bringing you health and wellbeing knowledge to enrich your life. But here’s the deal: we want to pass on the torch so that you can bring kindness to others too! So, if there’s a nugget of information that you’ve learnt from reading our magazine, take the time to share it with your loved ones.

LEND US YOUR EARS

4

‘Poem of the Day’

Escape into the fascinating world of poetry with the Poetry Foundation’s daily podcast, providing listeners with readings of some of the best classic and contemporary poems out there. Whether you seek solace, inspiration or to be transported to new realms of emotion, your literary journey awaits. (Available on all podcast platforms)

Join a local rambling group

Are you someone who loves the joy of walking and exploring the great outdoors, but finds it challenging to go solo? Well, joining a local rambling group could be just the adventure you’ve been searching for! Find a rambling group local to you, and explore the picturesque countryside in the company of kindred spirits. (Find local groups at ramblers.org.uk)

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PLUGGED-IN

The New Happy

When it comes to Instagram accounts used to promote wellbeing, there’s one that really takes centre stage for gracing our feeds with positivity and daily inspiration, and that is The New Happy. This account uses simple yet powerful messaging in the artform of shapes to teach us about such a complex notion: the science of happiness. (Follow @newhappyco on Instagram)

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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LESSON LEARNED

Educate yourself on epilepsy

Do you know how to respond when a soemone is having a seizure? Epilepsy UK has a free online course that will teach you about the different types of seizures there are, and how best to respond to each one. Armed with this life-saving knowledge, you’ll be able to provide comfort and support to those around you when it matters most. (Head to learn. epilepsy.org.uk to start the course)

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SQUARE EYES

Earth Moods

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TECH TIP-OFFS

Kinder World: Wellbeing Plants

Self-care and habit-forming can be tricky to stick with, but Kinder World was built to make it that little bit easier. Through this wholesome game, you’ll be encouraged to grow your houseplants by practising kindness towards yourself. Start playing today and make your virtual and real world a little kinder! (Available on app store and Google Play)

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GET GOING

30-20-10 workout

The 30-20-10 workout (sometimes called the 10-20-30 workout) is the go-to regime to help runners increase their performance and build up their speed gradually, regardless of ability. So how does it work? Jog for 30 seconds, run at a more moderate speed for 20 seconds, and sprint for 10 seconds. Then repeat the cycle four more times.

One minute you’re watching the gentle waves lap in a tropical escape, and the next you find yourself soaring over sparkling nightscapes. Sounds exciting right? Each episode of Earth Moods transports you to the world’s most calming places, giving viewers the opportunity to sit back and unwind for 30 minutes. (Watch on Disney+)

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TREAT YOURSELF

Plantable Bookmarks

For any avid readers who want to make their favourite pastime more eco-friendly, this gift should be on your wishlist. Add a touch of nature to your reading habits with these creative bookmarks that are just itching to be planted into beautiful blooming flowers once you’re done with them. Talk about a bookmark that goes the extra mile! (£2.50 each, or can be purchased as a set of 5, 10, or 15, at bloomingheck.co.uk)

WIN A SET OF 5 PLANTABLE BOOKMARKS FROM BLOOMING HECK

For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

Which is not a type of wildflower?

a) Poppy

b) Primrose

c) Fern

*Competition closes 31 May 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck!

Progress doesn’t look the same for everyone

Sometimes it feels like you’re going in circles

You might think you’re taking two steps forward, and one step back

It might seem like everyone else is racing ahead

Perhaps you’re finding it really tough, and can’t see how far you’ve come

Maybe you don’t understand why it’s so easy for others

(But what you don’t see is they’re struggling too…)

Your journey is your own, so try not to compare yourself and your progress to what everyone else is doing. Pave your own path, and be proud of the steps you’re taking, because each one is a step in the right direction.

Discover ‘blue zones’ and their dietary power

We’d all like to live longer and feel better, but is there actually a diet that can help? The ‘blue zones’ diet, based on those parts of the world where people live longest, promises just this – but is it worth the hype, or is it just another fad?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

Wanting to look and feel younger has long been on many people’s wish lists, but could ‘blue zones’ hold the key? If this is unfamiliar territory, then let me fill you in: blue zones are the five parts of the world whose populations are thought to live the longest, with studies finding them to have extremely high rates of people who live to 90 or 100. And it turns out, they could hold the key to our health, so it’s no surprise people are starting to pay attention to see what they can learn from them, with Netflix even shining a spotlight on them in 2023 with the documentary Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones.

“Studying blue zones provides insights into longevity and a longer ‘healthspan’, offering valuable lessons for promoting

healthier habits and longevity in other communities,” says nutritionist and expert in autoimmune disease VJ Hamilton.

Located in Okinawa (Japan), Icaria (Greece), Loma Linda (USA), Nicoya Peninsula (Costa Rica), and the Ogliastra Region (Sardinia), while these blue zones might be oceans apart and span different parts of the globe, they actually have a lot in common. For example, many of the blue zones are located in mountainous areas, where it’s common for residents to travel by foot – so they certainly get their steps in! The diets of blue zones have also been widely studied for their similarities. While they vary between cultures and their staple foods, they also have lots of things in common, which is how the blue zones diet has been devised.

What is the blue zones diet?

Based on the healthy diets of blue zone populations across the globe, the diet has several principles. A commonality between these five zones is that they all consume mainly locally grown produce, while not consuming any processed foods, such as ready meals. They eat seasonally, use herbs and spices for flavour, and use healthy fats from olive oil.

While national dishes naturally vary, their diets all centre around wholegrains, plenty of fruits and vegetables, beans and pulses, nuts, fish, sheep and goat’s milk, along with eggs just a few times a week.

“The emphasis on a predominantly plant-based diet is a crucial factor contributing to the health and longevity observed in these regions,” explains VJ. >>>

Prioritise social interactions during meals, as this is one of the key themes of these residents

Some of the zones eat fish, but red meat is usually on the menu less frequently.

When it comes to drinking, you might be surprised to know that tea and alcohol are all in. But if you do consume alcohol, drinking one to two small glasses of good quality wine is usually the way forward.

“Interestingly, in Sardinia, Cannonau wine is frequently consumed,” says VJ. “Despite its alcohol content, the antioxidants in the wine are actually considered a factor in the region’s longevity!”

What are the benefits of the blue zones diet?

While it’s believed that there are many benefits to the blue zones diet, the proof is in observing these populations themselves, who experience fewer health problems when compared to other populations.

“We can learn a lot from the blue zone communities, as they seem to be resistant to many ailments that affect those living

in the rest of the world. For example, in blue zones, many centenarians (people who live to 100 or over) not only live longer but also maintain good health, with lower instances of common age-related ailments that affect the Western world,” says VJ.

As an example, the Nicoyans in Costa Rica spend just 15% of what Americans do on healthcare – yet are twice as likely to reach the age of 90, according to a study in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. While in the blue zone of Icaria, the same research noted that they experience 20% less cancer, half the rate of heart disease, and almost no dementia.

As well as the diet, those in blue zones have an active lifestyle, which brings with it lots of other benefits. “Regular physical activity in blue zones may contribute to reduced inflammation, which is beneficial for managing autoimmune conditions that involve inflammatory responses,” adds VJ.

Unlike many countries, this typically doesn’t involve heading

to the gym, but having physical activity naturally built into their day-to-day life, much of which takes place outdoors.

How can we start the blue zone diet?

“To incorporate elements of blue zone diets into our own, there needs to be a focus on plant-based foods, such as fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes,” explains VJ. “It’s also not about low fat, but good fats. Incorporating olive oil as a primary source of fat and including nuts and seeds in your daily diet.” Other sources of good fats in the blue zones diet include full-fat sheep’s and goat’s milk. Another thing to note is you don’t need to cut out meat completely, but swapping from having it with every dish to occasionally is a great start. Remember that it doesn’t have to be meat-free, since fish is also on the menu and, if you do drink, swap other forms of alcohol for a glass of good quality red wine with your meal.

VJ Hamilton is a nutritionist and autoimmune expert. Discover more on her profile on the Nutritionist Resource.

However, it’s not only about what you eat. How you eat is just as important.

“Blue zone communities often adopt the practice of stopping eating when they feel 80% full, which is a good rule of thumb to follow,” says VJ. “For example, Okinawans follow the ‘Hara Hachi Bu’ principle, reminding them to stop eating when they are 80% full.”

Alongside this, many blue zones make dinner a real social occasion.

“Prioritise social interactions during meals, as this is one of the key themes of these residents; they all felt a sense of community, and had strong relationships with others in their area,” she adds.

While we can’t promise that taking on a blue zone diet will help you live longer or look 10 years younger, many of its components are a great thing to implement if you’re looking to make healthy changes. Whether

it’s cooking with olive oil, enjoying a glass of red wine, or a screen-free family dinner time, we can learn a lot from the diet and lifestyles of the blue zone populations in order to help us to feel happier and healthier.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

A match made in heaven

Take the drama out of dating with these seven essential tips to look after your mental health while dating

Writing | Elizabeth Bennett

Dating is an opportunity to meet interesting people, enjoy new experiences, and understand yourself better, but it isn’t always an easy process. Dating can bring issues around self-confidence and rejection to the surface and, as a result, our mental health can easily be impacted, especially if we are prone to feelings of stress and anxiety. However, we can take steps to approach dating from a mindful and intentional place – and protect our mental health in the process.

Take the pressure off

Once you’ve decided you want to start dating, or perhaps set a goal to find a romantic partner, it can be hard to not put pressure on yourself to achieve this. After all, high expectations often breed stress or anxiety. Counsellor Georgina Sturmer suggests stepping back for a moment and thinking about what you can do to reduce any fears or worries. “Figure out exactly what’s stressing you out – maybe it’s to do with you, or the other person, or the date itself – and then reflect on whether there’s anything that you can control

or change in order to minimise your stress levels,” Georgina says. Prior to a date, she recommends doing a breathing exercise such as ‘five finger breathing’ (tracing your hand with a finger, inhaling slowly as you travel up, and exhaling as you move down) to calm any nerves.

Avoid game play

In the early stages of a budding romance, we are often fed ideas about how to play the ‘game’ of dating. In popular culture, we see examples of techniques like ‘playing hard to get’, but in reality, approaching dating from this perspective leads us to doubt our instincts, and makes the process more draining on our energy and mental health. “You can make a choice to exit the playground, and communicate in an adult way,” Georgina says. “If you role model this behaviour, then your date is likely to follow suit.”

Reconsider rejection

Rejection is a natural part of the dating process, but one that most of us find difficult. It can be easy to take rejection personally, falling down a slippery slope of negative self-talk, and catastrophising

about our future dating prospects. Instead, as Georgina points out, remember that “even though you’ve been rejected, it doesn’t mean that there is anything fundamentally wrong with you”. To curb these thought patterns, try to catch yourself when you start going down a path of negativity, and maintain a sense of perspective. “Remember that we are not all going to be the perfect match for everyone that we date,” Georgina emphasises. Instead, see rejection as redirection on our journey to meeting a person that is right for us.

Accept that sometimes it is tough

Remembering and accepting that sometimes there will be challenges is crucial. Never beat yourself up for feeling this way, it is a totally understandable response. “You sometimes might feel sad, angry, frustrated, or embarrassed. Notice what’s going on, and accept that it’s happening,” Georgina says.

Curb your social media usage

We all know social media is not an accurate reflection of real life,

but if we are feeling more low on confidence than usual, it can be hard to separate truth from reality. “Ask yourself what you think you might find, and whether it’s likely to make you feel better or worse at that moment,” Georgina advises. “If you can take a break from social media, it will give you the chance to reflect on what’s happened with some perspective and a clear head.”

Look after your emotional wellbeing

Dating demands vulnerability

and putting ourselves out there, which can be emotionally draining. Therefore, it’s more important than ever to incorporate routines that allow us to stay calm and grounded.

“This is different for all of us,” Georgina says. “Maybe it’s exercise, journaling, fresh air, or a walk in the park. If you need something to stay as part of your routine, then commit to spending time looking after yourself.”

Remember, you can’t do everything alone either; this is a time when you might need to

lean on your support network more than before. “Seek out opportunities to connect with the people who value you, and make you feel good,” Georgina adds.

Find opportunities for distraction

It can be very easy to get stuck in our own heads, and laser focused on one area of our lives, especially when we are dating. Sometimes we need a break to gain a fresh perspective, and seeking out other ways to spend time is a great way to do this.

“This might involve a new hobby or distraction,” Georgina says. “Or perhaps a task that involves supporting other people, or volunteering, to activate that ‘helpers high’ and restore your confidence in yourself.”

Georgina Sturmer is a counsellor who specialises in supporting women. Visit the Counselling Directory for more.

WHAT IS THREAT MODE?

And

how can you get it under control?

Writing | Victoria Stokes

Imagine something scary just happened. Maybe you’ve been asked to stand up and say a few words at an event, completely off the cuff. Perhaps you’ve witnessed something unsettling on the tube. Or you’ve found yourself in an unexpected argument.

How would you react? You might not know the answer right now. Often we can’t predict exactly how we’ll respond to a particular situation until it happens.

However, when you’re feeling particularly frightened, you might find yourself in threat mode: a natural response that places your body and brain on high alert, even when there’s no real cause for alarm.

This survival mechanism triggers a lot of hormonal and physiological processes that ensure you can act quickly when you’re genuinely in danger – by jumping out of the way of a moving vehicle or running away from a growling dog, for example. “When we interpret a situation as threatening, lots of physical responses occur inside our bodies,” says psychotherapist Tania Taylor. “You might feel anxious, nervous, frightened,

angry, or stressed. You could even cry, feel nauseous, or get butterflies in your stomach. This happens because our mind has interpreted a situation as dangerous, and so it makes changes to the body to help us survive a threat.”

When you’re in threat mode, you’re likely to act in one of four different ways: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Essentially, you’ll fight the danger, run from it, become immobilised, or attempt to make it better.

Whatever your response, Tania says these reactions are part of our evolutionary make up, and were perfect back in our caveman days when the threat of being attacked by a wild animal was much higher.

Today, though, the likelihood of fending off a passing wolf or any other threatening creature is low, and threat mode becomes tricky when you feel that fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reaction in response to something that poses no real danger, like an uncomfortable social situation or an upcoming job interview. Not only does it feel very scary and unpleasant, it can prevent

you from stepping outside of your comfort zone in the future. It’s hard to be brave when you feel under threat, and if something scares us once, we’re unlikely to expose ourselves to it again. Here’s the thing: perceived danger is a highly individual concept, and what might trigger threat mode for one person, might not for another. That’s because your likelihood of experiencing threat mode is contingent on lots of different things, e.g. you’re more likely to have an exaggerated threat response if you’ve experienced a traumatic event or have an anxiety disorder.

So, is it possible to prevent threat mode? “We don’t ever want to prevent our survival mode from being able to occur when it’s needed,” Tania says. “If there’s a tiger in our kitchen, we want our flight response to kick in immediately so we feel stronger and can run away faster.”

However, when it comes to everyday stress – like speaking up in a meeting or dealing with conflict – you’re likely to find responding as though you’re in a life-or-death situation unhelpful. >>>

“In this instance, introducing ways to alleviate stress and empty our metaphorical stress bucket on a regular basis can be helpful,” says Tania. There are many ways to do this, and it’s important to find what works best for you. It could be regular exercise or fresh air, journaling to process your feelings, or using meditation to induce calm.

Tania says learning to manage your levels of stress can make a massive difference. “We all know how much a good night’s sleep can impact on our ability to cope with the day ahead. Anxiety is very

similar. If we are regularly living with anxious feelings, constantly feeling under threat despite not having our life threatened, we might find that it’s more difficult to cope with an additional stressful event.”

Basically, Consistently keeping your stress levels in check can make you feel calmer and more capable if and when a potentially threatening event arises.

Say it’s already too late. You’re faced with a perceived danger and you’ve found yourself in threat mode. Here are Tania’s in-themoment tips:

USE A GROUNDING TECHNIQUE TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR SENSES.

“Ask yourself: what can I hear, see, smell, touch, and taste,” Tania advises. This anchors you to the present moment, and serves as a distraction from the distress, giving your body time to calm down.

EXPLORE BREATHING EXERCISES.

“Try counting your breath, and with each subsequent breath, gently slow it down until it feels right for you,” Tania suggests.

CUDDLE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES

YOU FEEL SAFE .

Cuddling activates the parasympathetic nervous system, and promotes feelings of relaxation and calm. But don’t be deterred if there’s no one close to you around, as even wrapping your arms around yourself can help. Research shows a self-hug can alleviate anxiety by releasing endorphins and calming the nervous system.

Knowledge is often power, and many times, when we understand why we react the way we do and normalise it, we take away much of its power. By understanding threat mode and remembering that it’s your body’s way of keeping you safe, those daily stressors won’t seem quite so frightening.

PERCEIVED DANGER IS A HIGHLY INDIVIDUAL CONCEPT, AND WHAT MIGHT TRIGGER THREAT MODE FOR ONE PERSON, MIGHT NOT FOR ANOTHER

Take 5

Press pause on rushing around, and spend a quiet moment enjoying these brain-teasers

Circlegram

Unscramble the word in each of the three circles to discover the centre letter that links them all.

Emojinary

Can you decipher these cities written in emoji form?

It’s pizza night!

Gather your friends and enjoy this healthy, homemade pizza recipe

Elevate your family and friends’ pizza nights with a twist that not only tantalises taste buds, but also caters to your health-conscious side! This wholemeal vegetable pizza is a phytonutrient and fibre-rich recipe that transforms the classic indulgence into a deliciously healthy delight. Easy to prepare, it’s perfect for sharing – making it an ideal centrepiece for gatherings. Plus, you can prepare the dough a day in advance, and keep it in the fridge until ready to use.

Wholemeal vegetable pizza

Ingredients

For the base:

• 300ml lukewarm water

• 1 tsp sugar

• 7g dried yeast

• 500g strong wholemeal flour

• Salt

• 3 tbsp olive oil

For the topping:

• 1 courgette

• 4 tomatoes

• 2 red or yellow peppers

• 2 x 125g buffalo mozzarella

• 2 garlic cloves, crushed

• 120ml passata

• 70g olives

• 2 tsp oregano

• 2 tbsp olive oil

• 2 handfuls of baby spinach, washed

For a gluten-free version, use buckwheat or quinoa flour for the base, and add a teaspoon of xanthan gum to the mix.

Writing | Jessica Andersson

Method

• Preheat the oven to 240oC/220oC fan.

Make the dough:

• In a jug, combine warm water, sugar, and yeast. Stir well and let it stand for 10 minutes.

• Sift flour and salt into a bowl, create a well and pour in the yeast mixture and olive oil.

• Bring the flour and water together until a dough forms. If needed, add a bit more water. Knead for 5 minutes on a floured surface. The dough should not be too sticky.

• Transfer the dough to an oiled bowl, cover and let it rise in a warm place for 30 minutes.

Prepare the topping:

• While the dough is rising, prepare the vegetables. Slice courgette and tomatoes into approx 5mm slices. Finely slice the peppers and tear the mozzarella into small pieces.

• Punch out the air from the risen dough and divide it into 4 balls. Roll each ball out on a floured board to a 1cm thick, round shape.

• In a bowl, mix the crushed garlic with passata. Using a spoon, spread it evenly onto each base, leaving a 1cm gap from the edge (we want a little crust!).

• Add the tomato and courgette slices, followed by the peppers. Scatter over the mozzarella and olives, and sprinkle with oregano. Drizzle with olive oil.

• Bake in the preheated oven for 10 to 12 minutes, or until cooked.

• When the cheese is melted and the dough is golden, remove it from the oven. Scatter the pizzas with the washed spinach, and serve with a refreshing green salad on the side.

Fancy something else? Here are some alternative toppings:

• Opt for goat’s cheese or feta instead of mozzarella.

• Boost protein with tuna or cooked chicken pieces.

• Experiment with different vegetables like sliced mushrooms, red onions, or aubergine. These would need to be lightly sautéed first.

• For a twist on your classic tomato base, you can use pesto mixed with goat’s cheese, and lightly toasted pine nuts.

The healthy bit

In addition to being delicious, this pizza contributes to gut health; high in fibre and phytonutrients, it nourishes the good bacteria in our microbiota, which is crucial for digestion, metabolism, and general wellbeing.

The diverse range of ingredients ensures a broad spectrum of essential nutrients, providing the body with the necessary building blocks for

overall health. The combination of protein from the mozzarella, healthy fats from olive oil, and complex carbohydrates from the wholemeal flour creates a balanced mix of macronutrients. This helps sustain energy levels and provides a steady release of nutrients into the bloodstream. Wholemeal flour provides essential minerals like magnesium and phosphorus, crucial for maintaining strong and healthy bones. This is complemented by the calcium content in buffalo mozzarella, which contributes to overall bone health.

The variety of colourful vegetables brings an array of antioxidants which play a vital role in neutralising free radicals in the body, supporting cellular health and potentially reducing the risk of chronic diseases.

Olive oil, a key ingredient in the dough and drizzled on top, is rich in heart-healthy monounsaturated fats. These fats have been associated with improved cardiovascular health as they can reduce bad cholesterol levels.

Savour the goodness and make every bite count towards a healthier you!

Jessica Andersson is a nutritional therapist and chef, dedicated to helping people improve their health through personalised nutrition. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource.

“To change the world takes time; to change yourself takes courage

Photograph | Monstera Production

On the verge of vulnerability

We react better to others baring their souls than ourselves, so how does this impact our relationships?

Writing | Katie Scott

Iwill own that I have a nervousness about sharing. Except with a very select group of people, I have noticed I won’t admit being scared, hurt, or struggling until I am in a situation where someone else has shown their vulnerability first. I’m then happy to share, but it is often couched in terms of “I feel that too.” I have a tendency to hold back until someone else has stepped forward. I feel relieved by vulnerability in others and closer to them when they share, but I feel embarrassed – almost squeamish – about it in myself. A now famous series of seven studies carried out at the University of Mannheim, and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, revealed that participants tended to think that showing their own vulnerabilities would make them appear ‘weak and inadequate’. However, the ‘beautiful mess’ effect kicked in when they spoke of others’ vulnerability, finding it endearing and even desirable. >>>

We find vulnerability attractive even in people we don’t know personally. Author Katherine May wrote on Substack about Sinéad O’Connor and “the vulnerability industry” after the singer’s death in July 2023. As someone who has also “worn her heart on her sleeve” through her books, Katherine writes: “Vulnerability sells, and it adds a bankable ring of authenticity to boot.”

Professor Anna Bruk is Chair of Cross-Cultural Social and Personality Psychology at the University of Mannheim, and one of the authors of the initial studies mentioned. So, when the opportunity to discuss vulnerability with her arose, naturally I had many questions.

Firstly, I ask whether our response to vulnerability in others is part of our emotional evolution. While unaware of a study that looks precisely at this, she argues that it is an adaptive strategy. “Humans are social creatures with a very deep-seated need to belong,” she explains. “We need connection to others to survive; it helps us regulate our nervous system. Showing vulnerability is a crucial ingredient in establishing a real connection.”

Someone revealing their vulnerability to us is their way of showing us exactly who they are, and reaching out to connect. When we respond positively to this display of vulnerability, a connection is established.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it

However, it doesn’t always follow that we then feel ready to show our own vulnerability. That can feel fraught with danger. We could be rejected, exposed, appear weak, or face potential backlash. Instead of believing that sharing our vulnerability is a chance to increase intimacy, we worry that it will put up a barrier.

Professor Bruk says: “Showing vulnerability is, by definition, risky, so a positive outcome is not guaranteed. If the recipient of a vulnerability display doesn’t have the capacity to deal with messiness of any kind, they may feel overwhelmed. Healthy communication of needs may be deemed as neediness. Healthy expression of difficult emotions may be perceived as creating unnecessary drama. And when the recipient responds from a place of overwhelm, the person who showed vulnerability may end up feeling rejected by the reaction.”

How much this impacts someone is a measure of their level of self-worth, she continues. “If they are prone to doubting themselves, they are likely to internalise the perceived rejection and tell themselves: ‘I’m not good enough.’ If they are self-

compassionate and have a stable sense of self, they will not take this reaction personally, and will see that it’s mostly about the other person and not them.”

The work of American professor, author, and podcast host Brené Brown was a catalyst for the research carried out by Professor Bruk and her fellow scientists. Brown has written and spoken extensively about how hard it is to be vulnerable. But she also asks us to look at what we lose by not being authentic. “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy –the experiences that make us the most vulnerable,” she writes. When we show our vulnerability because, for example, we want to deepen a relationship or make amends after an argument, if we get a ‘bad reaction’ it will sting, but shouldn’t be truly damaging. We can feel good about the decision we have made to share. However, a positive reaction will see a relationship strengthened. This, Professor Bruk argues, is the basis of not only a strong relationship, but a balanced one.

“To create balance in relationships, we need to set appropriate boundaries – having no boundaries creates resentment due to over-giving, whereas too rigid boundaries keep people out and prohibit us from giving to the relationship in a healthy, generous way,” Professor Bruk says. “This is a very vulnerable ‘dance’ for the vast majority of people.”

We have all felt like a ‘mess’ at points in our lives, and others have seen the beauty in us. If we can only learn to tolerate our own vulnerability, our relationships will be able to deepen and evolve.

Three tips to change your thinking when you feel ashamed of your vulnerability

Dr Rosie Gilderthorp, a clinical psychologist, shares her advice:

1. Start by calming your nervous system. Shame is one of our most powerful responses, and it has a huge impact on the body and mind, so before we can try to think differently about the situation, we must first try to take control of the body. Begin by taking some soothing breaths into the belly, and exhaling until you completely empty out your lungs. Breathe in this way for 10 breaths.

2. Reach out to someone you trust. Shame comes from fear of rejection. Historically it was dangerous to ‘fall out of favour’ with ‘the pack’, and shame can be understood as an attempt to keep ourselves small to avoid annoying the more powerful members of the group. Gaining support from someone who cares about you is

therefore the perfect antidote! Be honest about your situation, and how you feel about it with someone you trust. Sharing the problem and receiving their compassion will show your mind and body that you are safe.

3. Finally, you are in a position to think about your situation more clearly. Why did this situation provoke such strong feelings in you? Often we feel most strongly about things which touch upon our core values. Did you become emotional because this is something you really care about? Strong feelings might make us feel vulnerable, but they often hold the key to really understanding what matters to us. Is there a way that you can use these strong feelings to guide you towards taking action that fits with your values? Perhaps a close friend, therapist, or coach can help you work out what your emotions are telling you if it seems confusing at first.

Dr Rosie Gilderthorp is a clinical psychologist, writer, podcaster, military wife, and mum of three. Find out more at knowyourmindconsulting.com

How to support a friend with an eating disorder

From helping them find the right treatment to reducing anxiety in their day-today life, here we explore different ways you can be there for your friend

Writing | Kat Nicholls

Eating disorders are notoriously sneaky conditions. They thrive in isolation and are often accompanied by shame, making them difficult to talk about. But if you are worried about a friend, your support and encouragement could help them gain the courage needed to find help.

A helpful first step in all of this is to educate yourself about eating disorders. This can enable you to recognise any warning signs, giving you a nudge to reach out. It can also help you to understand how your friend may be feeling. It’s important to note that eating disorders affect people differently, so be sure to speak to your friend to acknowledge their first-hand, personal experience, and avoid making assumptions.

Once you’re ready to approach them, here are three steps to support your friend with an eating disorder:

HELP THEM OPEN UP AND GET SUPPORT

Starting a conversation with your friend about how they’re feeling

can open the door to the topic of eating. If your friend isn’t ready to talk about it, they may insist everything is fine or that they can handle it themselves. Letting them know you are there for them when they do want to chat keeps that door open for the future.

If they do open up, offering to help them find professional support can be a useful next step. You might want to offer to go with them to see their doctor, or help them search online for a therapist.

Assisting with finding reliable and positive information can be a great support, too. There is a lot of eating disorder content online, some of which can be harmful. Seeking out recoveryfocused, trusted information, and sharing this with your friend can help them navigate this.

HELP TO REDUCE ANXIETY

Once you are aware of your friend’s difficulty with food, you can start to think about ways you can support them as they navigate recovery. An obvious, but important, thing to do is to ask your friend how you can best support them. They may have ideas for ways you can help, or it may simply remind them that you’re there for them.

Talk about topics outside of their eating disorder. It can be easy to let big issues like eating disorders become your sole focus, but it’s helpful to remind both yourself and your friend that they are not their disorder. Enjoying conversation on things that light them up, such as a hobby or a TV show they love, can help with this.

With this in mind, also try to avoid talking about calories,

CAN MY FRIEND BE FORCED TO GET HELP?

If your friend with an eating disorder has lost a lot of weight and is at risk, their doctor may need to section them according to the Mental Health Act, and admit them to hospital. The doctor will need to consult with their colleagues to agree to this before it happens.

weight, body shape, diets, or ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods around your friend. Hearing others talk about these subjects can be distressing when you have an eating disorder.

Be mindful about the language you use when talking to your friend. For example, statements like “You look well” or “Can’t you just eat normally” can be unhelpful or misinterpreted by those with an eating disorder. Avoiding commenting on their

Looking to help them find professional support? Visit Happiful.com to be connected to mental health and nutrition professionals.

barrier that can hold people back from socialising is when the event involves food – such as a dinner, brunch, or takeaway night in. Think about activities that don’t focus on food, such as crafting, watching a movie, or playing games. Food may still be involved, but having it not be the centre of attention can feel more manageable to those with eating disorders.

HELP YOURSELF

Having a friend go through something difficult can be hard for everyone involved. You may feel as though you’ve lost your friend, or that things won’t ever be the same. It’s important to know that recovery is entirely possible, and that your friend is still there.

eating/physical appearance in general is a good rule of thumb. Keep inviting them to social events. Like many mental health conditions, eating disorders can lead people to isolate themselves, and withdraw from loved ones. By continuing to invite them, you’re reminding them that you care for them and want to spend time with them.

Consider activities that don’t revolve around food. With the previous point in mind, a

Giving your friend compassion, support, and understanding is key – so is supporting yourself. You may find it helpful to reach out to a professional, or to speak to others going through something similar. Take time for self-care and remember, looking after yourself will only help you provide better support for others in the long run.

Your friend may be going through something difficult right now, but by being there to listen without judgement, you are already supporting more than you know.

The ultimate gua sha routine

For rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Racking up a staggering 3.3 billion views on TikTok, gua sha is an ancient tool with a modern fandom. Traditionally made of stones such as jade or quartz, the tool is used to scrape across the skin, commonly seen used on the face, although it can be used on the body as well.

According to China’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism, the first recorded use of a gua sha dates back to the Stone Age, when it was used as a folk remedy to ‘scrape away illness’. Even today, gua sha is performed by a variety of practitioners including acupuncturists, massage therapists, and chiropractors.

The primary appeal to using gua sha is that it’s thought to promote blood flow to the area that is being scraped, which can help with aches, pains, and tight muscles. In the case of facial gua sha, it’s believed that the practice can help relieve tension, puffiness, and inflammation.

It’s important to keep in mind that gua sha is a traditional medicine technique and, while

many feel the benefits of its use, it is not supported by clinical evidence – and you should always be wary of ‘miracle cure’ claims that are spread on social media, such as its ability to reshape your face or anti-ageing factors.

That said, gua sha can be an incredibly soothing practice to add to your self-care routine. Taking some time to tune-in to your body, address areas of tension, and turn your attention to yourself, are all beneficial things to do.

Ready to give it a go? Follow these steps for three relaxing gua sha routines.

Soothing facial routine

1. Gua sha works best when you have some kind of lubricant on your skin for it to gently glide over. What you use is up to you, but a facial toner, moisturiser, or facial mist are all great options. Choose what works best for you and apply it to your skin.

2. Hold the gua sha with the curved side to your face. Start

by gently gliding it across your jawline, starting from the centre and moving outwards, five times on each side.

3. Next, move up to your cheeks, and repeat the gliding motion five times on each side.

4. Very softly, slowly glide the gua sha under your eyes, being careful not to get any of the product that you are using in your eyes.

5. Finish with your forehead, starting from the centre and moving outwards on each side.

Rejuvenating chest routine

1. Apply body lotion or oil to the chest area.

2. Begin with the shoulders. Place your gua sha in the nape of your neck and move it steadily outwards. Repeat this five times on each shoulder.

3. Next, bring your gua sha in line with your collarbone. From the centre, follow your collarbone outwards, applying only gentle pressure. Repeat this five times on each side.

4. Finish by repeating the pattern under your collarbone.

Are there any risks I should be aware of?

Generally, gua sha is safe for most people, as long as you don’t apply too much pressure. It is, however, advised that people who take blood thinners or have a history of blood clots should speak to their doctor before trying gua sha.

If you are using oils, ensure that they are skin-safe, don’t use them over inflamed or open skin, and stop immediately if the oils begin to irritate your skin.

Partnered back routine

1. Apply body lotion or oil across the back.

2. Begin by gently moving the gua sha outwards, starting from the spine, and repeat this five times on each side.

3. Repeat this motion as you slowly move down the back. Communicate with the person you are working on, to watch out for any particularly tender areas where you may wish to apply lighter pressure, or spend more time on.

4. Once you have reached the bottom of the back, it’s time to turn your attention to the spine. If your gua sha has an indent, you may wish to place it over the spine, so the gua sha applies tension on either side of the spine. If it is a flat gua sha, you may instead wish to stick to one side of the spine at a time. Slowly move the gua sha up the spine, once again making sure to check in about the pressure. Repeat this five times overall if your gua sha touches both sides of the spine, or five times on each side if you do one at a time.

Gua sha should leave you feeling soothed and relaxed, and could become a staple of your selfcare routine. So, try out these routines, or follow your intuition, and let the stress of the day fade away.

How to protect your mental health when you’re self-employed

Being your own boss is tough, and can threaten your emotional wellbeing, but there are some simple hacks that can help you enjoy the freedom and flexibility it offers

Writing | Victoria Stokes

What motivated you to become self-employed?

Perhaps it was the draw of being your own boss, the freedom and flexibility to work how you want when you want, or the appeal of there being no cap on your earnings.

You might have made the transition to self-employment fully prepared for what working for yourself entails. Or, like many people, you may have underestimated the effect being your own boss can have on your mental health.

Whether it’s financial uncertainty, and the knowledge that a slow month could be right around the corner, the loneliness of working by yourself, or the stress of having to figure everything out on your own, selfemployment can be taxing.

Throw in a pandemic and a costof-living crisis, and being your own boss can be a major threat to your mental health and emotional wellbeing.

A survey for the Association of Independent Professionals and the Self-Employed found that 50% of self-employed people worry about irregularity of income, 46% feel unprepared for retirement, and 39% feel anxious about not getting paid on time.

What’s more, the same study found that two-thirds of freelancers are experiencing less demand for work post-pandemic, and are worried their income will drop as a result.

On top of all that, selfemployment can create a cycle of overworking. When your income is directly linked to your output, and how much you earn depends on how hard you work, it’s easy to suppress feelings of stress, overwhelm, and burnout in the name of earning a living.

“Self-employment can be hard on your mental health for lots of reasons – holding the sole burden of responsibility, financial instability, fewer boundaries around work demands – and

interestingly, the type of people drawn to self-employment may even be vulnerable to mental health issues by virtue of their personality features,” says clinical psychologist Dr Gemma Harris (@theexdoctor).

If you’re prone to perfectionism and high personal expectations, Gemma says you may be more likely to favour performance outcomes over self-care.

And, if you’re a business owner who is driven by their internal critic, you might regularly find yourself in ‘threat mode’, a state which is associated with poor mental and physical health (read more on p66).

Perhaps you’ve been there: constantly fearing that you’re one bad month away from collapse, or that a problem will arise and you simply won’t know how to fix it.

If self-employment is crushing your spirit, there’ll likely be some telltale signs. >>>

Checklist:

Create your own wellness plan

Check-in with yourself regularly

Build stress-relieving moments into your day

Set realistic goals (and cut yourself slack)

Network with other self-employed people

“Common indicators of stress include disrupted sleep patterns, changes in appetite, increased anxiety and irritability, withdrawal and isolation, and reduced motivation,” Gemma says.

You might also find that you increasingly feel overwhelmed and out of control, and you’ve lost the love for the thing you once adored doing. Be on the lookout for signs of burnout, too. It can manifest as a sharp drop in productivity, being physically and emotionally drained, and feeling helpless, trapped, defeated, or resentful.

Fortunately, minding your mental health while navigating the challenges of being your own boss is not a losing battle.

Gemma encourages you to set up a wellness plan, one that allows you to check in with yourself regularly.

“Self-employment can be a hard setup for mental health, so recognise that these challenges are very common and understandable,” she advises. “The demands of self-employment can activate a chronic state of fight-or-flight, and so creating regular hacks to reset the body and mind are necessary.”

These hacks could be regular breaks scattered throughout your day, deep breathing exercises when you feel stressed, or going out to meet a friend for a coffee when you need a chat or to vent. The trick is making these habits a priority.

Chances are, if you’re working for yourself, you’re a bit of a go-getter. Being ambitious is a great thing, but it can often lead to unrealistic goalsetting – a habit that only adds fuel to the overwork fire.

So, if you’ve set yourself ambitious business or financial targets,

Reach out to fellow freelancers, and you might just find that they know exactly what you’re going through

consider lowering the bar. It will allow you to take a more relaxed approach to business, and counter any feelings of failure you have when you fall short of those original goals. Given that financial instability is one of the biggest stressors, it makes good sense to put away some savings while you work as well.

One more thing that could be completely transformational? Make some self-employed friends. Networking might make you groan, but nobody understands the challenges of self-employment quite like the people who are doing it themselves. Reach out to fellow freelancers, and you might just find that they know exactly what you’re going through.

As for that survey we mentioned before, it found that 83% of freelancers feel the rewards they

get from self-employment outweigh the risks, so there are positives to take from that.

Self-employment can be a tough slog, but generally speaking, it gives you the freedom and flexibility to work when you want, so take advantage of that if you’re feeling burned out. A half day on a Friday, or starting your workday an hour later, could make the world of difference.

In a world that glamourises being your own boss, and offers us only examples of businesses that have become overnight successes, it’s little wonder that most of us are unprepared for just how tough freelancing can be.

There’s comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and that by reaching out, cutting yourself some slack, and taking a breather, you can find a way through.

Where to find help

Looking for support with your mental health? Here are some places that can help:

CRISIS SUPPORT

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

GENERAL LISTENING LINES

SANEline

SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

Mind

Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk

Switchboard

Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt

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EXPLORE CBT & TALKING THERAPY

To connect with a counsellor and to understand more about CBT, head to’ counselling-directory.org.uk

Why not…

• Pass me on to a friend who might appreciate some articles.

• Get crafty and use me for a vision board or collage.

• Keep me on a coffee table to pick up when you need a boost

• Remember I’m 100% recyclable, so pop me in your recycling bin.

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INFORMATION ON ANXIETY

Gain a better understanding of what it means to live with anxiety, common causes, and guidance at anxietyuk.org.uk

SUPPORT WITH EATING DISORDERS

Find information for those with eating disorders and their loved ones at beateatingdisorders.org.uk

Head to happiful.com for more services and support

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