HOROSCOPES WORDS || Phillip Leason
ARIES
Desperately trying to regain momentum at the start of a new uni semester? Invest in a velcro suit and roll down a really big hill. You’ll keep picking up debris like a giant human snowball until you’re unstoppable.
TAURUS
The winter weather is drying out your skin, and it’s hard to deal with. Don’t bother with paw paw ointment, that’s a conspiracy. You need to get real paw paws, and rub them all over your body to moisten yourself up. Be sure to leave your blinds open though, the neighbours will enjoy the show.
GEMINI
The election results weren’t in your favour, it’s your time to go on a rampage. Definitely don’t do anything violent though, just post passive agressive statuses on FB, so that the whole nation can feel your wrath.
CANCER
Remember that old guitar you have tucked away in the back of the closet? It’s time to get it back out. If you’re still unable to play it, don’t worry. Smash it and take a black and white photo of the debris, people will think you’re heaps artistic anyway.
LEO
This is your month, Leo. So, that genital piercing you’ve been umming and ahhing about? There is no better time than the present. Shout "YOLO" while you get it done to distract yourself from the pain, and make sure to keep it clean until it’s healed.
VIRGO
Don’t listen to what the doctors say about recovering from your winter sniffles, alternative medicine is the way forward. Try leech therapy or a wheatgrass enema to revitalise yourself, whichever's more appealing.
50 II REPEAT OFFENDERS
LIBRA
The moons are very much not in your favour this month. To avoid a Final Destination-style death, you'll need to wear protection. Knee pads, elbow pads, and gloves fashioned from condoms (they're very stretchy, get creative). Stay safe, you'll be clear by September.
SCORPIO
Buckets of chalk are on sale at Big W at the moment, just for you. Think about buying yourself some so you can draw chalk art on the walls of people’s houses to brighten their day. No, what? No! Don’t just draws dicks. Chalk art!
SAGITTARIUS
You've been lacking in sexual charisma over the last little while. Spice things up by licking your lips and winking at strangers, and licking strangers lips. You'll be feeling your sexy self again in no time.
CAPRICORN
I know it was hilarious to steal that sign from the church when you were drunk, but it’s been two weeks and people are starting to miss the punny proverbs on the drive to work. Give it back.
AQUARIUS
Can’t stop chewing your nails? I know the feeling. But, have you considered maybe other people want to chew your nails? We’ve all been eyeing them off. Be selfless this month and prepare a tasty fingernail-based dish for somebody you love.
PISCES
Shoot for the moon, Pisces. Even if you miss, you’ll fall to hit the ground hard enough to leave a hole shaped like your body, like Wile E. Coyote does.