Grub N' Pub Report November 2021

Ser ving g W is con sin , Min nes ot a & B e y o n d ! isc o nsin Mi nnes v ing Vo l . 1 8 /

N OV E M B E R 2 0 2 1

NOVEMBER 2021

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Happy Thanksgiving..

We are blessed to have you as a loyal reader and advertiser of the Grub & Pub Report!

NOVEMBER 2021

GRUB & PUB REPORT

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No. 11

GRUB & PUB REPORT PO BOX 473 CHIPPEWA Falls, WI 54729

Some Adult Content Not Intended for Children 14 and Under!

TYPO WINNER OF THE MONTH:

October 2021 Typo Contest Winner is Adeline Tomesh of Rice Lake, WI. She found the word (Happi) instead of (Happy) in the JC’s Pizza & Pub ad on page 26. She will recieve $10 in GnP Bucks!

ENTER TO WIN $10 in GNP Bucks to be used at any of our current advertiser locations.

Thanks for reading and Congratulations! (THESE MAY TAKE UP TO 6 WEEKS TO RECEIVE) Send entries to: Dyzzi Enterprises PO Box 473 Chippewa Falls, WI 54729 or... Call - 715-456-7518 email: dyzzi42@yahoo.com TYPO CONTEST RULES: - Only typos found in advertisements are eligible for prizes.

-Typos in the articles are not part of the typo contest.

-Typos in ads are the only typos considered for the contest.

-Everyone who finds a typo in an advertisement whether it’s the correct typo or editorial mistake, will be entered into the contest.

-You can call, e-mail or mail in your answers to the typo contest.

See contact information on page three. -All guesses must be turned in by the 15th of the month. (Major Holiday months by the 13th.)

-One winner will be drawn from all received answers on or about the 15th of the month.

-Winners will receive a $10.00 in GnP Bucks to be used at current advertiser locations only.

TYPO CONTEST - CHIPPEWA FALLS PG You Gotta Try Mary’s HOT BEEFS at the ....

Coldest Beer Around

WANDER INN

Quick Menu Served All Day

“Sonny’ Burger, Fries, Pizza & More!

Cty. Rd. T & Cty Hwy X. Chippewa Falls, WI 715-874-5590

SOARING HIGH Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable.

Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.

When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says, "What kinda bird

616 N. Bridge St. Chippewa Falls, WI Fone: 715-861-5299 Happy Hour: 2-6p M-TH & ALL PACKER GAMES *Free Food during Packer Games Mon & Tues: FREE Pool (FREE Jukebox Tues.*)

Fridays & Saturdays: DJ (Karaoke on Friday Nights)

Nov 13th Dart Tourney @ Noon for Darrel & Darin’s Birthday Party Live Band – 2nd Exit 9:30PM *Free Food Till Gone *Minimum $500 added to Tourney Thanksgiving Day Meal FREE while it last! Starts at Noon

NOVEMBER 2021

Happy Hr 4 - 6pm Mon - Fri

you reckon that was?"

The other hunter replies, "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it."

"How's that?"

"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"

MINISTER VS EINSTEIN At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshippers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one shook the minister’s hand, he said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, I bet you’re smarter than Einstein.”

Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he though, the more he wondered why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein.

So, the following Sunday he asked the man, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

OH MY My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleeP ..not screaming like the passengers in his car.

2

Ha ppy T hanksgiving...Be T hankful e ve n w h e n t h i n g s a r e h a r d !

I would love to say I am thankful for each one of you being a part of my life on this journey.

I would like to discuss the truth that we as a country have failed to recognize the true history and nature of Thanksgiving Day. To many it is a day of celebration, thankfulness for another year past, joining of families, gratefulness for the abundance of love, life, and joy. A day that a great nation of indigenous people welcomed the European colonizers with open arms. This is perhaps not the full truth. We forget to remember the pain, tragedy and suffering that occurred on this day we all celebrate. There is a community of people, many heritages lost due to the lack of justifiable documentation of true events. Before Thanksgiving was decreed a national holiday, the events of that fateful day were one of genocide and devastation to a nations first people stripped of their lands, lives, and freedom. The European settlers that came to this very land we call the USA, were seen as savages, demons not even worthy to the European settlers to be named human beings. The indigenous people of this land were attacked with devasting force that in this day can be recognized with its truest of truths.

Though we have gotten so used to celebrating a holiday that has in all honesty been capitalized upon by our governments as a money-based

NOVEMBER 2021

tradition; the families that celebrate, utilize it as a means of an excuse to come together, drink, play games and socialize. We as a nation need to recognize and seek out the truth.

Thousands of Indigenous people were murdered in early days, lost forever due to the colonizers fear and greed. Traditions, history, loved ones and cultures from many tribes lost, never to be regained again.

The turkey was not even a part of the meal presented as a treaty between the colonizers and the Wampanoag tribe. It was not introduced until later in the years. There is so much misleading information being taught about this “holiday” to our children that we also forget the painful truth. Please take the time to read about the true historical events that occurred along the way to our tradional Thanksgiving Day instead of only thankfulness for your family. Grant respect and acknowledgment to those tribes lost to America. They deserve recognition and respect for the trials and tribulations they as a people had to endure just to be seen as equals. Even to this day that is still something the Native American communities continue to fight for.

Yes, I am thankful for my family but not just on this day, for every day my soul lives on, for every day I grow and achieve each goal, for their very presence in mine and my children’s lives. I love, respect, and cherish each one of you. Value, love and cherish those you love daily and not just on a holiday “meant’ for it. Blessed Be unto each of you.

TABLE OF C ONTENTS COVER STORY :.... N/A GAME PAGES Crossword ......................... Pg.6 Word Search..................... Pg. 23 .Curvy Word Puzzle............Pg. NA Kazuko ......................... ....Pg. NA .Sodoku Hard only...............Pg. 11 Games Answers...........Pg.29>30 Answers TYPO Contest : Rules & Winners ...........Pg. 2 Directory of Advertisers ..........Pg 15 Maps of Advertisers ..Pg. 16-17 Classified Section .......Pg.NA Subscription Request...... Pg 32 ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

Pg. 31 Submit Jokes, Letters, Subscription or Advertising Requests To:

GNP REPORT P.O. B ox 447 73 Chippewa Falls, WI 54729 See the GnP Report Online @ www.gnpreport.com

SAL ES & S E T U P

Call LaRaye Sly State & National Sales Representative Assistant @ 715 379 1179 laraye_05@yahoo.com

Dyzzi *Donna Johnson (Owner) 715>456>7518 dyzzi42@yahoo.com

Menomonie > Downing, Osseo, Arcadia > Strum, Melrose, Mindoro, Owen, Withee, Neillsville, Pray, Granton, Black River Falls Chippewa Falls & the St. Croix Valley

AREA SALES REPRESENTATIVES: Keith Ewing > 715> 404>0885 (Bloomer > Trego > Hayward) Dan Callan > 715>495>8091 (Eau Claire > Roberts) 3

C H I P P E W A FA L L S PAG E Phone:

neighborhood and they bring in a ringer... they're a Pro-Tagonist.

715-723-7822

29 E. Park Ave. Chippewa Falls, WI NEW HOURS: Mon - Fri 8 a. m. - CL Sa & Su 11 a. m. - CL Happy Hour: M-F 8am -10am & 3 pm - 6pm WORD KNOWLEDGE Teacher: Johnny, what is a protagonist?

Little Johnny: It’s when you’re playing tag with kids from another

Lake Hallie Sportsman’s Club

RELUCTANCE Out through the fields and the woods And over the walls I have wended I have climbed the hills of view And looked at the world, and descended I have come by the highway home And lo, it is ended The leaves are all dead on the ground Save those that the oak is keeping To ravel them one by one And let them go scraping

and creeping Out over the crusted snow When others are sleeping And the dead leaves lie huddled and still No longer blown hither and thither The last lone aster is gone The flowers of the witch-hazel wither The heart is still aching to seek But the feet question "Whither" Ah, when to the heart of man Was it ever less than a treason To go with the drift of things To yield with a grace to reason And bow and accept the end Of a love or a season?

–Robert Frost (1874-1963)

JOIN US FOR...

Nov 13: Rockabillie Riot 7-11p Thanksgiving Evening...

Raffles & Specials (all invited)

Open 365 Days a Year! *We NEVER Close Early!

Happy Thanksgiving!

WATCH THE PACKERS HERE

PACKER GAME SPECIALS *Touchdown Shots & Food at halftime

HAPPY HOUR 4P-6P WELCOME HUNTERS!

HAPPY HOUR MON -FRI 4:30-6:30PM

Saturday Buckets of Beer 5 for $11 Sunday $3 Bloody Mary’s 10a -2p MONDAY NIGHT DRAWING 6:30p EVERY TUESDAY *Meat Raffle - Noon Till Gone & FREE POOL WHEEL WEDNESDAY *Call or stop in for details Spin 7p

FREE JUKE BOX - Thursdays MEN’S AND LADIES NIGHTS: Monday Men’s / Thursday Ladies (50 Cents off drinks your night) NEW:T-shirts, tanks, sweatshirts & 16 oz. can koozies

Members Meeting 3rd Wed Monthly

2910 109th St. Chippewa Falls 715-726-1050

NOVEMBER 2021

TOURNAMENTS & ENTERTAINMENT Dart Tourneys: Wed 7p In House *Open Spots Tuesday Night Virtual 7pm *Open Spots Available DJ Trivia: Every Thursday @ 7pm Bingo: Cash Bingo 7p | Adult Toy Bingo 8p (Alternating Monday Nights)

MENU: New Surf & Turf Menu Taco Tuesdays 2 for $6 (Beef or Chicken) Fridays Only 5-9pm Breakfast Served 8am – Noon

JOIN US AT THE POURHOUSE FOR FUN, FOOD & DRINKS

Like us on FB Phone: 715-917-1020 Address: W301 Menomonie St. / Hwy 12 Elk Mound, WI 4

L A K E H A L L I E PAG E FACTS AND FOLKLORE The Full Beaver Moon November’s full Moon is traditionally called the Beaver Moon. Why this name? In the Colonial Era, this was the month to set one’s beaver traps before the swamps froze and beavers retired to their lodges, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs.

In 2021, November’s full Moon occurs on Friday, November 19, at 3:59 A.M. EST Catch a Partial Lunar Eclipse On the night of November 19, a partial lunar eclipse will be visible from parts of North America. The Moon will enter the penumbra at 1:00 AM EST on November 19 (10:00 PM PST, November 18) and umbra at 2:18 AM EST on November 19 (11:18 PM EST, November 18). It will leave the umbra at 5:47 AM EST (2:47 AM PST) and penumbra at 7:06 AM EST (4:06 AM PST) on November 19.

November Weather Folklore -If there’s ice in November that will bear a duck, There’ll be nothing after but sludge and muck.

-November take flail; let ships no more sail.

-If trees show buds in November, the winter will last until May. -There is no better month in the year to cut wood than November.

-Ice in November brings mud in December.

-A heavy November snow will last until April.

November Gardening Use small stakes or markers where you’ve planted bulbs or late-

NOVEMBER 2021

starting plants in the perennial garden to avoid disturbing them when you begin spring soil preparation.

Check trees around your house for weak branches that should be removed by you now, rather than by snow and ice later.

Did You Know: Autumn is the best time to prepare your yard properly for a healthy spring growth. It’s much easier to handle these tasks now!

November birthstone November’s traditional birthstone is the topaz, usually a yellow to amber color.

The ancient Greeks believed that topaz could make a wearer invisible. A symbol of honor and strength, topaz was also believed to bring longevity and wisdom Birth Flower November’s birth flower is the chrysanthemum. Generally, chrysanthemums represent cheerfulness. A red one conveys “I love you.” White symbolizes truth or pure love. A yellow one indicates slighted love.

2588 Business Hwy 53 Lake Hallie, WI 715-723-0172 OPEN TO THE PUBLIC KITCHEN OPEN DAILY 11a - 2p & 4p - 9p FOOD AND DRINK SPECIALS VARY DAILY (CALL FOR DETAILS)

Pizzas, daily specials and hot beefs will still be available during our transition.

Please stay tuned for our NEW MENU coming soon!

Two Words ... SALAD BAR. NOVEMBER EVENTS:

NOV. 19 @ 5pm - 9pm ~ Widows Weekend Wine Pairing Event + Wine SALE $45/person (REGISTRATION REQUIRED)

NOV. 20 @ 2PM ~ Purse Bingo ($30 at the door & $25 during our pre-sale dates) for ALL 13 games

NOV. 21 @ 11am - 4pm ~ Fall Festival | Craft Fair JOIN US FOR..

KARAOKE SUNDAYS @ 5PM JOIN US FOR..

Packer Games This fall & winter

Check out our Facebook page for other events and news this November!

5

Cross Word Puzzle

(Answers page 30)

T I L D E N PAG E

DAILY SPECIAL

NOW HIRING! Call for interview NEW HOURS: MON 4PM - CL TUES - SUN 11AM - CL Halfway Between Hwy 124 & 53

Hwy B Tilden, WI 715-288-6303 I GUESS IT WORKS A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with

NOVEMBER 2021

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CHIPPEWA LAKE HALLIE PAGE a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her.

"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

NOVEMBER 2021

See Coupon on next page

CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE & GROUP

OPEN RAIN OR SHINE! EVENTS REQUIRE $75 Deposit (Returned end of session except for canceling event the day of) OPEN YEAR ROUND

Check out our fb page for ... ~ Course info & Group Info ~Pricing details ~Equipment info ~Discount on back

Summer Hours upon scheduling:

Saturdays and Sundays 8am-4pm | Call 5 days in advance to book during the week

CASH, CHECK OR CREDIT CARD ACCEPTED

10327 County Hwy X, Chippewa Falls, WI 54729 THE MAIDS REVENGE Just after the maid had been fired.

She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping

me clean the dishes all the time!

Q&A Q. What did one mole say to the other? A. We make great chemistry together. Chemistry teachers are great tutors!

S L I M ’ S Lake Hallie TAVERN 1979 Cty Hwy OO Chippewa Falls, WI 715-832-9303

OPEN 7am-CL EVERY DAY! Daily Food Drink En&jo y.. Specials Good S**Get piriYour ts, FLunch ood/Dinner & FuPunch n! Card!

BREAKFAST AVAILABLE EVERY DAY! MON: Hot Beef Sandwich w/ chips or Hot Beef Plate ***Starting on Mondays NEW Queen of hearts drink specials!!!

*TUES: TACOS w/ Potato Rounds *WED: Broasted JUMBO Chicken Wings & Chicken Paddle Wings w/ Choice of Sauce

Meat Raffles Special: $1.50 *Dom Beers & $2.00 rails FRI: WALLEYE or PERCH Fish Dinner

Join us for Thanksigivng Day Dinner!!

‘Check Out Our NEW COOK.. Paul!’

KARAOKE every Thurs. & Sat. Pool Tournaments Every Other Saturday!

Packer Game Specials | JUDY IS BACK!!

Join us for Deer Hunter Widows Party.. Nov. 21st!

Deer Hunter SPECIALS for the hunt season 7

A LT O O N A CHIPPEWA E AU C L A I R E PAG E

COUPON SPECIAL... $5 OFF SCHEDULED SESSION (Limit 1 per person - Good Thru August 30, 2021) 10327 County Hwy X, Chippewa Falls, WI 54729 Q&A GET IN Q. How do you say goodbye to a Wayne was returning home from a vampire? A. So long sucker! business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah... no thanks," he New Every Tuesday: Open Mic 7-11pm answered. "I can get there myself." w/Cereral Skillet Sing w/Band or Solo "No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door.

"Get In!" Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened... "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

Open Jam.. Wednesdays COUNTRY LIVING OPEN @ 10am 7 Days A Week!

Muggins: "Yes, I'm living out in 228 Division St. Altoona, WI the country now. It certainly has it 715-552-5526 inconveniences."

Daily Lunch Specials 10-4 Buggins: "What do you miss most?"

NIGHTLY DRINK SPECIALS Muggins: "The last train home at Happy Hour: night."

M-F 10a-6p & Sat 3-6pm

NOVEMBER 2021

FOR 25 CENTS One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.

However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

Rolly’s

Coach Club WiFii & COLD D BEER R Available!!

Happy Thanksgiving Welcome Hunters!

715-832-4120 2339 Spooner Ave. Altoona, WI 8

E AU C L A I R E PAG E The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?”

Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

HOME LOGISTICS Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning.

Husband : Erroneous syntax.

Abort?

Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation.

Access denied...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are useless.

NOVEMBER 2021

Husband : It's by Default.

Wife : What about your Salary?

Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : What is my value in the family.

Husband : Unknown Virus WHAT KILLS YOU The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer

OPEN: Mon - Fri 11am - 2am Sat & Sun: 10am - 2am Nov.. 255 - FREE Thanksgiving Dinner with all the fixings @3p Donations to Toys for Tots

Phone: (715) 832-7798

fewer heart than St, the British 131attacks N Barstow Eau Claire, WI 54703 or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

VFW POST 7232 2900 W. Folsom St. Eau Claire, WI (715) 832- 3528 *Open To Public Facebook.com/VFW Post 7232 Folsom Street HAPPY HOUR: MONDAY - FRIDAY 4 - 6PM

DINE IN OR CARRY OUT SERVING FOOD FROM 7AM TO 8PM * 7 DAYS A WEEK

FRIDAY FISH FRY Choice of Perch,Walleye, Cod, Shrimp or Chicken strips, Cheesy hashbrown, Baked potato, Joe-jo, French fries, Coleslaw, Cottage cheese

SERVING..

BREAKFAST LUNCH & DINNER Kitchen Open 7am-8pm

AUXILIARY BREAKFAST IS BACK! 1st Sunday Monthly Oct - Mar 8am-11:30am Seniors $8 / Adults $9 *Under 5 yrs eat free!

9

Q&A Q. What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?

A. A chocolate Molted MR I N DISTRESS Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever

EAU CLAIRE PAGE selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Mr. I N Distress Dear I N Distress, This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run

VFW POST 305

1300 Starr Ave. Eau Claire, WI 715-552-8438 Breakfast: 7a - 11a / Lunch: Mon - Fri 11a-1p Daily Drink Specials & Happy Hour: Mon - Fri: 7a-10a & 3-6p

OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK

Tues. Burger Night - 2 for $12 from 3p-7p Wed. Wing Night - a pound of wings & pint of beer for $10 3p-7p Every Thurs. Chef's Special Friday Fish Fry 5p - 8p 2 pieces of fish, choice of potato, & cole slaw or cottage cheese for $9.00 (Fish can be substituted for 10 pieces of Shrimp) NOVEMBER ENTERTAINMENT: Friday: Karaoke 9p - 1a Sundays: Oldies Show @2:30p - 6:30p SAT Nov 6 - Dead Ringers SAT Nov 13 - 3 Beers Down SAT Nov 20 - Rock-a-Billy Riot SAT Nov 27 - Austin Fire

Packer Game Special $2.00 Dom. Bottles NOVEMBER 2021

everything.

WARNING DO NOT TRY TO un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 2.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Girlfriend 2.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs.

The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD 10

E AU C L A I R E PAG E -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 With best wishes, Tech Support.

THE KEY All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

GIROLAMO’S S COURT’n n HOUSE HOURS:

Mon - Wed: 10am-10pm / Thurs & Fri: 10am-12am / Sat:11am-12am Sun Open... 1 hour before Packer Games times until 9pm PACKER GAME DAY SPECIALS: Touch downs: Jello Shots and Discount Drink Tickets (good on rail and tap beer) Plus.. Stop in and enjoy our..

Late Night HAPPY HOUR Mon - Sat 113 W. Grand Ave. Eau Claire, WI 715-832-5478 aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

ODD QUOTES "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

MUST BE SINGLE A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”

Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”

GROOM'S MANY BRIDES A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the

NOVEMBER 2021

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Open at 5am 365 Days A Year!

WELCOME HUNTERS Serving Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner every day even Holidays Join us on Thanksgiving Day for food and drinks!!

Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at the Corral Bar & RIverside Grill!

318 W. Main St. Durand, WI (715)672-8874

FOSTER BAR Open Daily 11am to 2am WE'VE BEEN HERE SINCE 1976!

Homemade Pizzas Fresh 1/3# Burgers Cheese Curds Happy Hour: 3:30pm to 6:30pm 0 US S HWY Y 53 3 S12800 Foster,, Wisconsin n 54758 8 Phonee (715)) 597-6627 *Juke Box 4-6pm *Sunday Pull Tab Drawing *Drink Specials during Wisconsin and Green Bay games November

Monthly Fundraiser Bingo ** "National Diabetes Month"

** BINGO IS BACK!

Every Sunday Starting at 2PM

Nov. 25th - Thanksgiving Day Food Pantry Fundraiser

** Thanksgiving Meal Drive-THru to raise money for the Elmwood Food Pantry 11am to 3pm - Call for more details

715-639-5000 109 N. Main St. Elmwood, WI

NOVEMBER 2021

EAU CLAIRE - ELMWOOD - SPRING VALLEY PG SCARED TAXI A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

GOLF IN HEAVEN Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "What did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK, what's the good news?" Bill exclaimed.

"Well, there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!

DRUGSTORE DIAGNOSTIC One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the 12

usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.

Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

FREE HAIRCUTS A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do Gods work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

THANKSGIVING Q & A Q. What’s a running turkey called?

A. Fast food!

ST. CROIX VALLEY PAGE

715-749-3891 112 W. Main St. Roberts, WI ‘Where Good Neighbors Meet’

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GRASSHOPPER A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

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WORDS OF WISDOM -Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

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13

Q&A Q. What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner? A. A (Har) vest.

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B LO O M E R - L A S V E G A S PAG E VENTRILOQUIST APOLOGIZES A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde

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BLIND TRUST A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

MAN VS WOMAN A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Got that?

NOVEMBER 2021

14

ADVERTISER MAP DIRECTORY (Map on Pages 16 & 17) MAP PG # , AREA, ADVERTISER NAME CHIPPEWA FALLS 1 7 9 12 14 16 20

AD PG #

1ST & GOAL SALOON SCHUETZY'S TAVERN DALE & MARY'S RITZ ON THE RIVER THE EDGE PUB & EATERY WANDER INN BRESINA'S BAR & RESTAURANT ROOKIES PUB

ADDRESS

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14

1801 E. TROPICANA, LAS VEGAS NEVADA

EAU CLAIRE/ALTOONA/FOSTER AREA MAP 2 GIROLAMO’S COURT N’ HOUSE 3 BRICK HOUSE 5 ROLLY’S COACH CLUB 8 VFW POST 305 11 VFW POST 7232 14 GOLDEN SPIKE 15 THE SPORTS PAGE BAR

11 8 8 10 9 8 9

113 W. GRAND AVE. EAU CLAIRE, WI 2233 BIRCH ST., EAU CLAIRE, WI 2339 SPOONER AVE. ALTOONA, WI 1300 STARR AVE, EAU CLAIRE, WI 2900 W. FOLSOM ST, EAU CLAIRE, WI 228 DIVISION STREET, ALTOONA, WI 131 N. BARSTOW, EAU CLAIRE, WI

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24 12 18 12 4 24 24

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22 28 29 25 26 26 27 29

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ST. CROIX 1 B & L LIQUOR STORE THE BUNGALOW INN 5 6 THE VILLAGE INN SPORTS BAR & GRILL HOLCOMBE 4 TJ'S TIMBERLINE 7 ENWOOD GOLF COURSE 16 5TH QUARTER BAR

NOVEMBER 2021

19 18 N/A 19 19 18

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504 N CTY HWY F - BIRCHWOOD, WI 715-354-7877 www.birchwoodamericanlegionpost379.org N705 COUNTY RD M, COUNTY ROAD D, SARONA, WI (715) 354-3250 2091 22 1/2 AVE., RICE LAKE, WI (715) 475-1300 2883 17-3/4TH ST., RICE LAKE, WI (715) 234-7339 www.shadyrest@centurytel.net N1075 EAST SIDE RD., BIRCHWOOD, WI (715) 354-3533 www.lincolnwoodresort.com MAIN ST., BRILL, WI (715) 234-1823

13 13 183

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21 N/A 20

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(715) 353-2238 (715) 595-4035 (715) 532-7757

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Pearl St

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270

ODD QUOTES "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

-Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a

BRILL - RICE LAKE - SARONA PAGE friend... if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

-Thomas Brackett Reed

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-Winston Churchill, in response

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright "I've just learned about his illness.

Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy."

-Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."

-Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford "They never open their mouths OPEN DAILY @ 10am SERVING FOOD DAILY 10A-10P

Pizza, Soups, Burgers, Fish Fry There’s no place like the Wagon Wheel!

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Located on Main St. in Brill, WI (715) 234 - 1823 NOVEMBER 2021

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Churchill "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand GRANDMA JONES Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

The Rut N705 Cty Rd. M. Sarona, WI 715-354-3250

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Beer, Booze, & Fun Live Music

Entertainment Calendar for listings

18

B I RC H WO O D - L I N C O L N WO O D - R I C E L A K E PAG E Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

I NEED WATER A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid

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The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about five miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.

Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about five miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

DEAD LAWYER A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Mike & Ellie’s

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Serving: Pizza & Hamburgers Daily Check Out Our ..

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NOVEMBER 2021

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STANLEY - HOLCOMBE - LADYSMITH PG

108 W. Miner Ave. Ladysmith, WI 715-532-7757 Happy Hour: M-F 3-6pm ‘Hometown Bar for All’

BUDDHIST VACUUM Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: No attachments.

Thanksgiving is a time to thank your creator for making you!

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GOLF as weather permits.

Senior Mondays (65 and Older) $10 Walk $18.00 w/ Cart All Day Wednesday: All Day Golf $25 per person w/Cart Ladies day Fridays $7.00 Walk for 9 holes or $15.00 with cart 9 holes Thank you all for the great 2021 Golf Season !!

Watch our facebook page for 2022 Membership Rates

NOVEMBER 2021

OUTDOORSY MAN During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.'

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!'

'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shotty golfer.'

BUS RIDE One day a father and his ten-yearold son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts..."Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the dump truck on that bus driver!!

Thankfulness comes from the heart of those who give first.

GOD CREATED TECH In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"

And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so, it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff.

Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented 20

pipeline, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restart able instructions, micro interrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

AFTERLIFE Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”

“I was a police officer,” he responded.

“What kind of police officer?”

Saint Peter asked.

“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”

“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and

CHETEK - PRAY PAGE highways safe.”

“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.” He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.

“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

FACTS OF LIFE Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

VEHICLE FOR TWO A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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DOCTOR CONFESSIONS --Dr. Richard B., Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that they had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan S., Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested .

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew T., Worcester, MA During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which

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P R AY - W I T H E E P G one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. R.St. Clair, Norfolk, VA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"

After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven S., Corvallis, OR I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?"

“It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard K., Detroit, MI And finally a new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up

from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

COMMUNICATIONS The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public

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G R E E N W O O D PAG E enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

PEARLS OF WISDOM -Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

-I am in shape. Round is a shape.

-Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

-Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

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NEW BROOM A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.

Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking

NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH 1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!

2. I was so enthralled; I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and

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DEVOTED WIFE A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started

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failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what?"

"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

GOD KNOWS Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

NASA MARS MISSION NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer.

When asked how much money he

NOVEMBER 2021

P I G E O N FA L L S PAG E wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

STOP CREDIT CARD FRAUD The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge.

What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number.

They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they Dwyer’s ‘My

collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that thieves have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.

A BOWL OF SOUP Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.

When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."

There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention.

Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."

Bill, his father-in-law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Be Thankful For the Air You Breath and the Water You Drink.

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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (comedians), and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the

M E L R O S E PAG E windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business.

What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.

Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and

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I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and

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BU R R OA K - M E L RO S E PAG E 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with

NOVEMBER 2021

my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer. How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START. BRINGING LUCK A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me

all through the bad times.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"You know what?"

"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

GOD KNOWS Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Q. If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? A. A mole of molasses!

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SUNDAY SCHOOL LESSON The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

Finally a kid volunteered: "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus....but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

UNDER THE MOTEL BED Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card. On it was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

NASA MARS MISSION NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

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NOVEMBER 2021

BLACK RIVER FA L L S PA G E "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer.

When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

BUSINESS ONE-LINERS If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

28

THIS LITTLE PIGGY When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening my wife smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt.

She looked at me through tear filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef.”

PEARLS OF WISDOM -Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

-Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

-Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

-Stupidity got us into this mess -why can't it get us out?

-Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just stand there.

-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

-An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

-There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

-It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

-I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

-It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

-If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

-I don't get even, I get odder.The

NOVEMBER 2021

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THE PREACHER AND THE FROG PRINCESS An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”

The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”

The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”

The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

Be Thankful even for work!

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ON-GOING G WEEKLY Y ENTERTAINMENT Tuesdays: -Brickhouse - E. C. - New Every Tuesday: Open Mic 7-11pm w/Cereral Skillet Sing w/Band or Solo Wednesdays -Brickhouse - E.C. -Open jam wednesdays Thursdays: -Girolamo’s - E.C. - Karaoke 9P -1st & Goal - C.F. - DJ Not2Shy -VFW Post-305-E.C.- Karaoke 8 -Midnight -Sidetrack - Roberts- Every Thursday Oatmeal Band 4-7pm -Slim’s - Lk Hallie Karaoke -The Pourhouse – Elk Mound – DJ Trivia Fridays: -VFW Post-305-E.C.- Karaoke 9p-1a -Rookies Pub- C.F.-DJ or Band -Block House- Melrose- Librya Union Live Every 2nd and 4th Friday starts @ 7pm -Sunset Tavern - BRF - Karaoke the 1st and 3rd Fridays Monthly (and 5th Friday when that happens) -Slim’s - Lk Hallie Karaoke Saturdays: -VFW Post 305 - E.C. -Live Music Every SAT from 8pm to Midnight -Brick House- E.C.-- Karaoke @9pm -Uncle Sam’s of Arcadia – House DJ -R & R’s First and Last Chance - BRFKaraoke 8pm Sundays -VFW Post-305-E.C.- Oldies DJ Music Sundays @2:30-6:30pm -Block House- Melrose- Karaoke 1st & 3rd Sundays with Coleman starts @ 2pm -Eagle’s Club - Lk Hallie - Karaoke @5pm

SPECIAL OCCASIONS BINGO / MUSIC BINGO: -Tim’s Slim’s –Lake Hallie - Music Bingo" Tues -Kern’s Kurbside – Elmwood- Thursday (Spring - Fall Patio Bingo starting @ 7pm) and Bingo EVERY Sunday at 2pm *Proceeds go to Autism Awareness *Pull Tab Drawing EVERY Sunday at 5pm

-The Bungalow – Lakeland MN- Bingo Starts Sats From 2-4pm and Continues Every Saturday till further notice -Eagle’s Club - Lk Hallie - Wed Night Bingo at 6pm *Proceeds donated to Skating and hockey kids to cut costs.

-Kat’s Pourhouse-Elk Mound - Adult toy bingo 8p and cash bingo 7pm - alternating Mondays

COOK - OFF: -Dwyer’s - Pigeon Falls - Chili & Soup Cook Off Nov. 6th 11am to 3pm Be a contestant or a judge BREAKFAST CLUB:

-The Bungalow -Lakeland, MNThur & Fri 8a till 10:45 / Sat & Sun 7:30a till 11:45 / Sun. Brunch 9a-1:30p -Corral Bar & Grill - Durand -Daily 5a – 11:30a -Side Tracks-RobertsSat. 8-11am & Sun 9a-noon -Village Inn, North Hudson- Daily 8-11am -Tim’s Slims Lake Hallie Tavern breakfast DART & POOL:

-Tim’s Slim’s –Lake HalliePool Tournaments every other Saturday noon start *Food and raffles -Rookies Pub- C.F.- Nov 13th Dart Tourney @ Noon for Darrel & Darin’s Birthday Party / Music by 2nd Exit/ Free Food Till Gone *Minimum $500 added to Tourney -Sidetracks - Roberts - 36th Annual Evie Barlow Deer Widows Dart Tournament.

Sat Nov. 20th. Noon. Ladies only please!

FUNDRAISER: -Kern’s Kurbside – Elmwood-

Nov 25th - Thanksgiving Day Food Pantry Fundraiser - Thanksgiving Meal Drive Thru to raise money for the Elmwood Food Pantry 11am to 3pm - Call for more details MEAT RAFFLE:

-Lake Hallie Sportsman’s Club – Lk Hallie Meat Raffles @ 6pm THANKSGIVING DAY DINNERS: NOV 25 —Slims- Lk Hallie -Join us for Thanksgiving Day Dinner -Rookies - Thanksgiving Day Dinner Noon till gone!

-Sports Page Bar- Eau Claire - Free Thanksgiving Dinner with fixings (Toys for Tots donations) -R & R’s First & Last Chance - BRF Thanksgiving Dinner starts @ 2pm

WIDOWS WEEKEND NOV. 19 - 21

-Eagle’s Club - Lk Hallie ~Fri, Nov. 19 @ 5 PM Widows Weekend Wine Pairing Event + Wine Case Sale ~Sat., Nov. 20 AT 2 PM - Purse bingo ~Sun., Nov. 21 AT 11AM - 4PM - Craft Fair —Slims- Lk Hallie -Deer Hunter Widows party Sun., Nov. 21st

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FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29 -Bear Creek Band -Robins Nest in La Crosse, WI—8pm to 12am -Sunset Tavern - BRF - Halloween Party Music and Costume contest SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30 -Dwyer’s My Second Home Bar & Grill – Pigeon Falls- Halloween Costume Party Prizes 9 to midnight *Judging at 11pm -Bear Creek Band -Dixon's Autumn Harvest Winery in Chip Falls, WI 5 to 9 -VFW Post-305-E.C.- Rock-a-Billy Riot -Lake Hallie Sportsman’s Club –LHHalloween Party Prizes *Music By: Black Sheep Duo 7-10pm -Rookies Pub- C.F.- Halloween Costume Contest Party -The Pourhouse – Elk Mound – Halloween Costume Party & Contest 8pm *Judging at 11pm Fun and Prizes!

-Slim’s Lake Hallie Tavern - Lk Hal Halloween Costume Contest SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31 -Bear Creek Band - The Funny Farm Flea Market in Chetek, WI—3 to 7pm

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SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6 -VFW 305 - E.C.-Dead Ringers SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13 -Rookies Pub- C.F.- Darrel & Darin’s Birthday Party / Dart Tourney starts at Noon /*Free Food Till Gone Live Band – 2nd Exit 9:30PM -Lake Hallie Sportsman’s Club – Lake Hallie-– Rockabillie Riot 7-11pm -VFW 305 - E.C.- 3 Beers Down SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20 -VFW 305 - E.C.- Rock-a-Billy Riot

TRIVIA:

-Kern’s Kurbside – ElmwoodMonday @7pm

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27 -VFW 305 - E.C.- Austin Fire

CARD, CRIBBAGE, DICE:

-Kern’s Kurbside – Elmwood Every Tuesday Euchre @1pm -Block House - Melrose - Euchre Mon(s) 6p

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