Networking for wallflowers en final

Networking

Networking for

wallflowers Many people find it difficult to start a conversation with a stranger which can seriously impede their ability to network. “When I’m at these network meetings, I often wish I was at home.” teXt HENK DAM

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ou know you need to meet new people at your new location, and that’s why you’ve signed up for a networking event. So there you are, in a room full of people you don’t know. Everybody seems to be talking to everyone else. You notice that some people are even exchanging contact details. But you are all by yourself. In a corner of the room, against the wall, trying to adopt the right body

Global Connection | December 2014

language. The glass of orange juice you clutched on to a moment ago is empty now.

So, you’ve dug out your mobile phone and are staring at the blank screen. At least this will give the people around you the impression that you’re doing something important.

Because the last thing you want them to think is that you’re too scared to start a conversation. Hmm, would now be a

good time to head for the toilets? Or perhaps, even better, to head home?

Not alone If you recognise this situation, then the chances are that you are one of those people who are too shy to strike up a conversation with people you don’t know. Fortunately, you’re not the only one. Experts say that nearly 50 percent of people regard themselves as shy or introvert (see box for the difference between the two).

After all, you have to build a social network in your host country, you have to find new friends Unfortunately, being shy or introverted can pose quite a big problem, especially for expat partners.

After all, you have to build a social network in your host country, you have to find new friends.

And if you are looking for paid (or even unpaid) work, or want to start a business, you’ll need professional contacts too. You won’t find them – at Although many people use the terms ‘introvert’ and least not easily – if you only take the ‘shy’ interchangeably, there is a difference between option of email and LinkedIn. You will the two. have to talk to people. Face-to-face. At Introversion is an inborn trait and describes how you networking events, for example. recharge yourself. Introverts get their energy from solitary activities such as reading, writing or reflection.

Difficult They can become overstimulated and tired if they Aiko* knows all about shyness. spend too much time around other people.

Almost two years ago, the Japanese Shyness is a form of fear, fear of judgment, fear of expat partner moved to Switzerland, rejection. It is learned behaviour (for example, your where her husband works for an parents may have been shy, or you may have been international financial company. It bullied as a child). Unlike introverts, shy people do not meant that she had to give up her job necessarily prefer to be alone, but they are afraid of as a nurse, and that family and friends social interaction. suddenly lived far away. Meeting new

Introverted or shy?

people in her host country has been difficult for her. “It’s in my nature to keep to myself. When I’m with people I don’t know, I withdraw. In these situations, I find it really difficult to talk to others or to even think of something to say,” she says.

‘When I’m with people I don’t know, I withdraw’ She has found two friends with whom she gets on well, but struggles to further expand her circle of friends. “I look at other expat partners, with whom I do have a lot in common after all. But there are many European and American

expat partners here, and they are quite strong and aggressive women, in my view. That only makes me even more shy.”

Nevertheless, Aiko forces herself to attend social gatherings. “I’m doing it for my daughter, to meet some children she can play with.

And my husband also finds it important for me to meet some people, because sometimes I feel quite lonely here. But when I’m at these network meetings, I often wish I was at home with my family, reading a book.”

Has she ever attempted to get rid of her shyness? Aiko: “I’ve read articles explaining what you have to do to become less introverted, but that didn’t really help me. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I even want to be helped. I have the two friends I mentioned, and for contacts with home there’s always Skype.”

A helping hand Is it possible to overcome your shyness and become a more confident social or professional networker? There are many

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

Networking books and articles on the subject, which provide all kinds of tips, while in some countries certain medication (primarily antidepressants) are used as an aid. However these should always be considered a last resort and many doctors would not prescribe these for this type of situation. The common advice to ‘have a drink’, because of the liberating effects of alcohol, is also perhaps not advisable.

Take small steps and set yourself relatively easy goals Seeking help from a psychotherapist or behavioural therapist is a popular option. There are also certain coaches who specialise in helping people to come out of their shell. In the United States and the UK there are even ‘shyness clinics’.

Practice makes perfect There are also plenty of practical tips that can make it easier for you to attend networking events: • P repare. For example, think of a few open-ended questions that you could ask people you meet at the event. If it is a professional networking event, practise

what you’d want to say about yourself or your business.

• T ake small steps and set yourself relatively easy goals. For example, aim to stay for at least half an hour, and to start a conversation with at least two people you don’t know during that time.

• Go early. It is always easier to enter a relatively empty room than one that is full of people.

• At larger gatherings, there will always be people who are, like you, on their own. It’s likely that they are just as shy as you are. So why not have a chat with them.

• Choose a networking event that opens with a lecture or some kind of presentation. It will give you a good starting point to strike up a conversation with, for example, the person sitting next to you.

• Once you have started a conversation, think about the words of wisdom of Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 bestseller and networking ‘bible’ How to Win Friends and Influence People: show interest in the person you are speaking to, mention his/her name every so often, listen attentively, smile, and keep eye contact.

• Remember that practice makes perfect. In other words, regularly attend networking events.  * Name and some details have been changed at the interviewee’s request.

READ MORE If you’d like to read more on the subject of networking for wallflowers, including what a Shyness Institute entails, go to ‘Magazine Online’ at www.global-connection.info

Global Connection | December 2014