Kids a double loss en final

Kids

A double loss Sophie became expectant twice while she and her husband were located abroad. Tragically, on each occasion, she was given the news by doctors that her babies would not survive full-term pregnancies. Expatriated in Islamic countries, meant that both times she found herself returning home for medical treatment. teXt Margit Kranenburg

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ophie* is able to be open but frank as she shares her experience of the tragic events she has faced over the last few years.

“We started our lives abroad full of positivity. I was pregnant, after a previous miscarriage, and all of our check-ups had been OK up until then. After two weeks in Qatar, I went for my first appointment with the doctor who was to be my gynaecologist. He informed me that there was something amiss with the pregnancy. The ultrasound showed that the baby was not going to survive.

Global Connection | December 2014

“So there you are, just the two of you in a strange land. In the short time we had lived there, I had only met a few people; we only had a handful of acquaintances. Bringing the pregnancy to term wasn’t an option; our baby wasn’t going to survive. But Qatar is a strict Muslim country and terminating a pregnancy is considered to be abortion.

“My husband’s organisation was very understanding and put us on a flight home right away. A day later, back in Germany, the same bad news was confirmed by our own doctor. Five days later, we decided to induce labour. I was twenty weeks pregnant.

“It had all been so sudden and the grief we felt for our daughter was overwhelming. Qatar, and our lives there, seemed very far removed from what we were experiencing.

‘Qatar is a strict Muslim country, and terminating a pregnancy is considered to be abortion’ Thomas’ organisation was almost in daily contact with us, asking if there was anything they could do to help. Both of us didn’t feel like going back but, nevertheless, Thomas returned to Qatar after a month and I followed a month later.”

But fate was waiting to deal them another cruel blow.

“We left Istanbul for a visit home in high spirits, after our thirteen-week check-up was positive. Then we went for a check-up at our own hospital. The doctors saw, at fifteen weeks, that there was no heart activity. And so we went through the whole process of inducing labour and saying goodbye again, this time to a boy. The labour and recovery were more difficult this time because I had lost a lot of blood.

Of course, we wondered why this was happening to us again but, this time I was able to see it in a better perspective.

What surprised us was that we found ourselves wanting to go back, back to our lives in Istanbul.”

Negative comments “Despite the enormous grief I felt, I still had to build a life for myself there. Slowly, I started talking to people I knew about what I had been through. I was very much aware, however, that people from a different cultural background might have difficulty in understanding what I had experienced, so I didn’t share it with

A space of your own “When we lost our daughter, one of the things that made it harder was not being in our own home. Our house back in Germany was empty, so we stayed with my parents. That was difficult because everyone was dealing with their own grief.

The second time, we had our own home with all of our familiar things. We had them sent to Germany after the move to Istanbul. That turned out to be a good move. My advice to anyone dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one is to make sure you can create a space of your own; somewhere you can mourn the loss in your own way. And it’s important to respect that everyone grieves in their own way, no matter how difficult that might seem sometimes.”

everyone. Ironically perhaps, it was our friends back home who didn’t understand how, after all that had happened, we could go out to expensive dinners and take trips abroad. I was only trying to make the best of the situation.

“At first, I took their negative comments to heart, but I also knew that I had to allow myself time to enjoy some things in life in order to get through the experience.”

After a period of rest and medical assistance, Sophie became pregnant again. At that point, the couple had moved to Istanbul. “During the move from Qatar to Turkey, we had to show customs officials the documents for our daughter’s ashes. Cremation isn’t practised in Islamic countries; Muslims are buried within 24 hours. So we needed special documents to transport our daughter’s ashes.”

Strong relationship “I’m proud of the fact that, despite everything, I’ve been able to finish my degree as a weight counsellor, that I’ve made friends, and that I’ve also been able to enjoy the positive sides of expat life.

‘We’re closer than ever’ One of the most important things is that Thomas and I have a good relationship. He makes enough time for us, despite his job. In retrospect, I’m glad that we experienced this while living abroad. Our relationship has gotten stronger, we’re closer than ever. Back home, I might have thrown myself into my job and my life there. Would we have stayed together? It’s a question we sometimes ask ourselves...” 

Sophie is expecting once again and all the signs are pointing to a healthy full-term pregnancy.

* Name and some details have been changed at the interviewee’s request.

Global Connection | December 2014