gair rhydd
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CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
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NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04
ISSUE 793 October 3 2005
DEAR AMBER
GEORDIE
The lovely Miss Duval solves your life problems
Our resident angry Northerner on the breach of human rights in Iran
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THE RAIN OF FAILURE Students’ pleas ignored as burst water pipe floods new Talybont Court By Dan Ridler News Editor FRESHERS PLEAS for assistance after a water pipe burst in Talybont Court were met with a sarcastic response from Residences staff, gair rhydd learnt on Thursday. When one group of students came home to water pouring through the ceiling, they couldn’t believe what was happening. "We’d just been out shopping" said one "and from outside it sounded like someone was having a shower." Surprised by the size and speed of the leak which had seeped down from a burst pipe several floors above, the new students immediately told the nearest official, a man they now believe to be the residences general manager. In a show of disgraceful indiffer-
ence however, the official merely responded with a sarcastic quip. "He was really sarcastic, it didn’t seemed like he cared. We told him we had a huge leak and he just went "Oh right, you’ve got a huge leak have you?" Once the students had explained the urgency of the situation to him they returned to their corridor and awaited assistance, expecting a swift response. Instead it was almost an hour before a plumber arrived, and it took twenty minutes just to switch off the electricity. "We were worried about a fire," said the students. "The lights were filling with water, but they wouldn’t turn off the electricity. They kept telling us they’d have to come and look first. They obviously didn’t believe us."
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POURING: Water floods through the ceiling
RAIN: Twelve buckets filled before plumber arrives
UNSAFE: Unwired alarm leaves students at risk
Story continued on Page 5 IN THE WET: Students left in drenched rooms
News
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October 3 2005
news@gairrhydd.com
At
a glance October 3 2005 News Editorial & Opinion Geordie Letters Politics Media Science/Environment Taf Od Grab! Health Listings Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun Jobs & Money Sport
1 6 8 9 10 11 13 14 17 18 20 22 23 31 32 34
EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan, Chris Brett MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval FIVE MIN FUN Colm Loughlin HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS Andrew Mickel, Gemma Green, Jess Anderson, Kim O’Connor CONTRIBUTORS Rebecca Wright, Jason Jones, Catherine Gee, Chris White, James Twigger, Andrew Rennison, Jez North, Awen Schiavone, Paul Hayes, Fraser Munro ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students Union
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Repeat prescription Following last year’s negative press, Cardiff’s School of Medicine takes another dose of criticism from student survey MEDICAL STUDENTS at Cardiff University are the least satisfied with their degrees compared to all UK universities, it was revealed by the Times Higher Education Supplement in a recent report. Students have claimed that the courses within the school are disorganised, lecturers regularly fail to turn up and assessment marks are frequently delayed. The Medical School are taking the poll ‘very seriously’ and are currently investigating the reasons for the high levels of dissatisfied students. The apparent problems are thought to be due to increasing student numbers. This puts pressure onto the lecturers and resources of the school. A final-year medicine student at Cardiff told the Times Higher MEDICS: Sick with the quality of their degrees Educational
By Rebecca Wright Reporter
Supplement: “There are definitely issues in the medical school. “Most of the problem is a lack of teaching when we are there and a lack of feedback throughout the year.” Despite the criticism the student did not blame the University. “It is not just the fault of the school. They need the government to dish out more money to help them do that.” A spokesperson from the School of Medicine told gair rhydd that the Schools of Medicine and Dentistry were ‘taking this very seriously’. He said: “We are very concerned at the areas for which the students have given poor responses and will take steps to rectify these. “The more detailed breakdown of student responses will help us to identify more specifically the changes that need to be implemented. “However, both schools are also very pleased at the high level of good responses for several sections, particularly the section relating to
Professor remembered
One in three young women sexually assaulted when dr u n k
SMIRNOFF VICE By Dave Menon Reporter ACCORDING TO a recent survey, over a third of young women have been sexually assaulted after getting drunk. In addition to this, the survey suggests that women are more likely to be arrested or cautioned by police than men after a period of heavy drinking. The questionnaire was commissioned by the Portman Group, a company aiming to promote ‘responsible drinking’, who surveyed 1000 youngsters aged between 18 and 30. The survey’s conclusion is likely to increase current widespread concerns regarding the dangers of binge drinking. In addition, the results could put pressure on the government to ban
cheap drinks promotions and prevent pubs from extending opening hours. Jean Cousins, chief executive of the Portman Group said: “These findings are disturbing. Alcohol affects your judgement and the fact that so many young women are being sexually assaulted after getting drunk is shocking. “What is most alarming of all is the fact that young women seem to be risking more than young men”. However, it must be noted that the questionnaire did not specify what constitutes a sexual assault. The Metropolitan Police were not able to confirm the results as they do not obtain figures in a way that would highlight gender differences in drinkrelated incidents. In response to the Portman Group report, Daily Mail columnist Amanda Platell accused ‘date-raped’ women of
quality of teaching and the final section reflecting a positive global assessment of the courses as a whole.” Pete Goodman, Cardiff ’s Students’ Union President, was positive about the poll. He said: “I welcome the results and call on the University to make salient changes for the benefit of the students. “However, I am especially disappointed by the results of the Medicine and Dental School and hope that the University use these findings to enhance the student experience in this area. “We look forward to working together with the University to make this happen.” Other Welsh universities faired much better in the poll, with the University of Wales, Newport coming in top for satisfaction in Finance and Accounting studies and in Teacher Training. The University of Wales, Bangor was voted most satisfactory for European Languages and area studies, and also for Performing Arts.
having “so little respect for themselves”, before adding they are culprits as well as victims. But Professor Trouquet, a consultant in Accident and Emergency medicine at St Mary’s Hospital, London, firmly stresses that women are not to blame. He said: “Most cases of ‘date rape’ are just that - on a date - when two people know each other, often well. “Women must not put themselves in vulnerable situations”. The questionnaire also found that more women phoned in sick to avoid work or study after drinking the previous day.
i
If you are worried about your safety on a night out, alarms can be purchased at the union shop for £1.50 each.
THE LIFE of one of Cardiff University’s most prolific academics was remembered this week in a widely-attended memorial service. The event, which took place in St David’s Hall last Monday, was a tribute to Professor Whipp, the University’s Pro Vice-Chancellor who passed away during the summer. Pete Goodman, Cardiff Students’ Union President, who attended the ceremony, described it as: “A worldclass event and a fitting tribute to the life of Professor Richard Whipp. “It was a very moving, very appropriate ceremony.” The memorial and thanksgiving service was well attended by staff and students and included many tributes from Prof. Whipp’s colleagues. Vice-Chancellor Dr David Grant opened the ceremony while a string quartet and other musicians played throughout. The professor, who died of cancer on June 11 aged 50, worked for the University for 15 years and was instrumental in many of the Business School’s research programmes. He later joined the senior management team of the University, first as a deputy director with responsibility for research. He was then named Pro ViceChancellor in 2002 and then reappointed Pro Vice-Chancellor for Research following the merger of Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine.
News
October 3 2005
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BURGER OFF By Dan Ridler News Editor UNLICENSED BURGER vans have been plaguing the Students’ Union as freshers arrive in Cardiff this week. The vans, which appear regularly outside the union between two and three AM, have no hygiene certificates and no licence to trade. Appearing with a silver coupe as
an escort car and with teams of lookouts, they have been linked with a violent attack in June 2004, when they allegedly attacked a drunken student with a knife following a dispute over payment. The set-up sells overpriced and unhygienic burgers and hot-dogs to students leaving Solus after a night out and often attracts long queues of inebriated revellers willing to part with their money in order to quell the drunken munchies.
Whilst the van’s owners and operators are breaking the law, they are very difficult for the police to prosecute and incredibly persistent despite a number of council acts designed to tackle them. Thanks to the extensive network of lookouts employed, the vans are often able to make a swift escape before the police arrive only to come back minutes later and continue their dirty trade. A senior security guard at Cardiff
Students’ Union said "This is a well organised group who must be making bucket loads of money from the students.” "The students have no idea what sort of risk they are putting themselves at by buying food off these people. Personally, I wouldn’t touch the stuff, especially with the e.coli outbreak spreading." Cardiff Students’ Union President Pete Goodman also urged students to think twice before buy-
ing from the van. "This isn’t about the law as much as it is about student safety," he commented. "I’d urge all students not to give in to the temptation of the burger vans but rather go for the safe option of purchasing food in the union or at a reputable establishment. "If threatened by the behaviour of the van or its owners or operators contact university security and come inside the Union."
Outbreak By Charissa Coulthard News Editor A FULL public inquiry is being called into the e.coli outbreak that swept through South Wales valleys Rhondda Cynon Taf, Merthyr Tydfil, Caerphilly and Bridgend. The outbreak has so far affected 117 people – with 25 hospitalised and four children in specialist care. Parents of affected children are seeking legal advice and are now calling for a public inquiry. Welsh Health Minister Brian Gibbons promises the public will be informed of its outcome. "Everybody who has been affected by this will have full information as to why this happened and also to know that we have learned the lessons," he said. "The experts are telling us that the peak is over while new cases are being picked up on a day to day basis, but a number of these patients have had their infection a few days or even a week ago." But other health experts are pre-
dicting that the numbers will still continue to rise, as they confirm the outbreak as the biggest in Welsh history. Both Plaid Cymru and the Liberal Democrats in the Welsh Assembly have agreed to the need of a public inquiry, with Welsh First Minister Rhodri Morgan claiming to be ‘absolutely’ committed. South Wales Central AM Leanne Wood – who will hold a press conference with Plaid Cymru’s Shadow Health Minister Rhodri Glyn Thomas to discuss the situation – said: "To maintain public confidence we must have an inquiry that is completely independent of the Labour Assembly Government. "We know from the history of BSE that the best way to learn lessons for public health matters is through a fully transparent, public and comprehensive inquiry. The parents, children and people affected deserve that commitment." Rhodri Glyn AM added: "There is no doubt that the most open way to deal with this serious situation is to hold a full public inquiry. "The public will have no confi-
dence in an inquiry that is less than transparent. "Plaid Cymru has been saying for some time that the quality of school meals needs to be investigated." Meanwhile, John Tudor and Sons of Bridgend – a meat supplier linked to the outbreak – have claimed in a statement that initial tests for the bacterium at its premises have proved negative. The company stated: "This is the first investigation of its kind and Will Tudor is co-operating fully with health officers at Bridgend local authority.” Tests carried out on September 19 have proved negative and results are awaited of further tests." Meanwhile, the company has been told to temporarily stop trading to its 600 premises. The form of the inquiry is set to be decided in the coming weeks.
E.COLI: Present in South Wales’
News
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October 3 2005
SUSPENDED news@gairrhydd.com
By Caroline Farwell News Editor
THE STUDENT Union President of Middlesex University has been suspended for refusing to cancel a question and answer session with the Islamic group Hizb ut-Tahrir. Keith Shilson was suspended from the college last month after ignoring management pressure to cancel a meeting he had organised with the controversial Muslim group. Students at the university voted to oppose recent government attempts to ban the group, which Prime Minister Tony Blair said he would proscribe following the July 7 attacks. Shilson said: "I think it’s outrageous that the Vice-Chancellor feels it’s acceptable to interfere with the democratic processes of the university. "This is about free speech and the autonomy of the student unions from University management." "Since my suspension I have received hundreds of messages of support from around the country. This includes backing from NUS President Kat Fletcher." Following discussions with the Union, Middlesex University has instructed the Union to cancel its invitation to Hizb ut-Tahrir to take part in a debate at the Union. NUS National President Kat Fletcher wrote to Middlesex’s Vice-Chancellor last week after the move heightened fears among student unions around the country about the implications for unions’ independence.
MIDDLESEX: University Campus
RIGHT: Keith Shilson
The University has said that it does not rule out entirely the possiblity that Hizb ut-Tahrir might be able to take part in a debate in the future, but only if it
could be assured that the group were to reject extremist views.
‘Saviour’ is sued By Caroline Farwell News Editor A WELSH inventor who sued the BBC and Radio One DJ Chris Moyles has won libel damages over a claim that his new product was a ‘con’. Businessman Andrew Wilkey, from Llantwit Major, Cardiff, took legal action against the BBC and disc-jockey following a 1999 broadcast that claimed the product he invented did not work. Mr Wilkey, who developed a plastic film to protect CDs from scratches, was left ‘appalled and humilated’ after the Radio One Newsbeat report in which Chris Moyles referred to the product as a ‘con’. The broadcast, in November 1999, included an interview with Mr Wilkey and the results of a short studio testing session. Sales of the product collapsed following the damaging report and the company was forced into liquidation. The BBC later broadcast an acknowledgement that the product did protect CDs from scratches and did not impair sound quality when used on CDs on domestic hi-fi equipment. In court last month, the BBC said that it was never its intention to cast doubt on
Mr Wilkey’s good name and agreed to pay a substantial sum in damages. Moyles, 31, has helped Radio One achieve its highest audience ratings in two years under the self-styled title of the ‘Saviour of Radio One’.
Caught in the act By Perri Lewis News Editor A LAPTOP-THIEF caught in the act by police is to pay for his crimes. The burglar, who was arrested as he tried to escape a student property with two laptops, has been charged with two counts of burglary. The robbery took place on Thesiger Street last Tuesday around 9.00pm and comes just days after gair rhydd reported another laptop theft. Police Spokesman PC Robert Keohane warned that although officers were able to stop this crime, the thief may never have entered the property if the windows had been closed in the first place. He said: “The only reason this incident occurred was because the student property was not secure. "The window was open and was an ideal opportunity for the thief. "It is so important that windows
SUED: DJ Chris Moyles
and doors are shut and locked to prevent crimes like this from happening." Laptops carried in distinctive laptop cases are also likely targets for thieves. Last year’s Freshers’ Week saw four students attacked for their personal computers. PC Keohane reiterates the advice he gave last year: "Never carry lap-
tops in a laptop case on the street – the bags just advertise that you are in possession of a very expensive piece of equipment. "It is a much better idea to carry items like this in a rucksack or sportsbag." After gair rhydd published this advice last September, Cardiff police reported a massive decline in street attacks for laptops.
CAUGHT: Crime seen
News
October 3 2005
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Little shop of horrors Rumoured supermarket poses threat to Cathays business
DISREPAIR: The state of some of the new halls Story continued from front page Now the hallway in the flat has been left, soaking wet and smelling, with lights hanging off the walls and drips running from the fittings. The students, however, remain upbeat: " We were lucky really, the floors above got it much worse.” There are unconfirmed reports of lying water in the floors above, and several people have left their flats to live with friends and neighbours while the problem is fixed. This is just one of a number of problems which Talybont Court has experienced in its first weeks, and by no means the only remaining problems which gair rhydd uncovered. In a flat nearby, there is an unwired fire alarm, leaving students on that floor without an ability to raise the alarm should a blaze begin. All along the corridors of one block are patches of water, whilst residents report that the lifts, laundrette and reportedly up to 80 door locks still don’t work. Given the cost of living in the halls, many students are understandably upset about these problems. "At over three thousand pounds per annum it’s just not acceptable" said one of those affected.
FEARS ARE growing for the future of small businesses in Cathays as rumours about a new Tesco Metro escalate. Owners of small convenience stores are outraged at alleged plans to transform the former ‘Robert’s Imporium’ on Salisbury Road into a chain convenience store. They fear that they will not be able to compete with the growing multi-national company. Mr Mohammad Akbar of T and A Stores, Salisbury Road, said that he might be forced to close his business down because of the possible competition from Tesco. He said, “We just could not compete with such a big company - my business would not be able to survive. “It would be bad for the area and it would put too much pressure on the already-worsening traffic situation. We don’t need another Tesco in this part of Cardiff.” Residents are also particularly concerned over the effects that the alleged plans will have on the traffic system on Salisbury Road. The area is already heavily congested and with so many pedestrians, increased traffic flows have sparked concern over road safety in the area. Mrs Ericsanna Mohammed of Salisbury Road Stores, said: “We don’t think that a Tesco Metro would be good for Cathays, especially because of all the extra parking that would be needed and all the extra traffic that would come. “We have enough trouble unloading our products already so I don’t know what Tesco would do because they would have so much more to unload. “There is absolutely nothing we can do about it if Tesco decide to build a new store here, we are powerless.”
Photo and impression: James Perou
By Caroline Farwell News Editor
ARTIST’S IMPRESSION: How Sallisbury Road would look with a Tesco Metro
? p l e h e l t t i l y er v e s e o D : t e e r t Word on the s I think its amazing, it’ll be good for students and the Cathays community as a whole. Lucian ird Year Reed-Drake, Th Journalism
Big stores are taking over everything. I guess at least it’s turning into a food e to lose store but a shames. family business h ird Year Englis Sally Gillo, Th
I think it’s a good thing for the students and residents but unfortunately it will affect local famies. ly run business
, Third Year Stacey Thomaseology Th d an s ic Polit
It’s better than having an empty building, but I guess it would put these local shops out of business though.
d ndy Francis an James Grant, A nd Year co Rhys Evans, Se neering gi En ed at gr te In
EXTRA COVERAGE: Tesco already dominates Cardiff, and the rest of the UK
Editorial & Opinion
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October 3 2005
opinion@gairrhydd.com
gair rhydd
FREE WORD Middlesex CONTROVERSIAL Islamic group Hizb ut-Tahrir found itself in the news again this week when the President of Middlesex Students' Union was himself suspended for planning a question and answer session with thecontroversial fringe group. Although university Vice Chancellors are under strong pressure from the Education Minister Ruth Kelly to crack down on 'extremism on campus' revoking the student status of president Keith Shilson comes across as a knee jerk reaction. Although Hizb ut-Tahrirs views are widely acknowledged to be extreme, this does not affect the fact that unions are supposed to be democratic organisations separate, not subject to, their institutions. If Hizb ut-Tahrir do not have the right to debate and discuss their views openly, whatever the level of disapproval, then the university authorities risk encroaching on the right of students to freedom of speech. Burgers THE ONGOING stand-off between the Union and the burger vans that operate without license on a nightly basis at the base of the Union’s stairs was again brought to the fore this week as their trading reached fever pitch during the annual Freshers' Week celebrations. The fact that they operating outside the law is hardly the issue when compared to the possibility that students could wake up with more than a case of alcohol poisoning the morning after. Trading without appropriate hygiene certification, whilst taking advantage of postdrinking student hunger pains is a situation which cannot be allowed to continue. It is vital that students take the advice of Union President Pete Goodman and 'purchase food from a reputable establishment'. Nice to see you... ONCE AGAIN the Freshers’ Fayre was a great success for gair rhydd and Quench. Over 600 people signed up to get involved with the publications and we welcome one and all. Anyone who didn’t sign up can join us at a welcome party in Solus at 6pm on Monday.
SYMS: Speak your mind syndrome By Jason Jones At Large
I
don’t know how it happened. One minute I was cheerily going through life muttering "Terrible food” under my breath, then smiling sweetly and saying "Fantastic, thank you" to every waiter who asked how my meal was. The next, I was in a relationship with a man who goes through life demanding to see the management. I’m frightfully British about complaining, whereas SB (formerly known as the boyfriend), despite being from Cardiff is very American. "If I have paid for a certain level of service, then I want it!" he blusters. Initially, he will make the complaint with a certain amount of good humour and charm. But if the good service does not materialise, then the touchpaper will have been lit for a nuclear attack of SYMS (Speak Your Mind Syndrome), a distant cousin of Tourette’s. When faced with poor service in a suitably five-star environment, there really is no stopping him.
“...Speak Your Mind Syndrome, a distant cousin of Tourette’s” We have stayed in some pretty hoity-toity hotels (before you ask, he has the dosh not me) without incident. But on a recent holiday to a top-ofthe-range establishment in Madrid, the manager saw more of him than I did. SB: "There’s only two reasons why I will get off this sun lounger: to go for a swim and to go to the loo. I don’t expect to get off to get a drink. Manager: "Sorry Sir, but we’re very short-staffed." SB: "I see. When I check out and say I can’t pay the bill in full because there’s a shortage of cash in my bank account, that will be fine, will it?" Manager: "No, Sir."
SYMS SUFFERERS: Make love, not war. I dare you feisty, fiery folk SB: "Precisely. Therefore, a staff shortage is your problem not mine. Have I made myself clear?" He had, as well as making himself clear on a dozen other observations as to why the hotel, while charging fivestar prices, was, in his view, providing only three-star service. As always, I was seized with the urge to explore the hotel grounds until peace was resumed. By Day Two, we couldn’t lift our heads from our books without at least three waiters clamouring to pander to our every whim. There was a SYMS outburst in Tunisia too. We found the pool restaurant closed for building works that were being carried out as we ‘relaxed’ in the sun. SB: "I can hear drilling and hammering." Manager: "Yes Sir, we’re refurbishing the restaurant for your future enjoyment." SB: "I won’t be here in the future, I’m here now. So what will I be hearing in five minutes time."
Manager: "Er… nothing, Sir?" SB: "Spot on. Tell them that until we leave on Tuesday, they will be painting and grouting. And as you didn’t tell us about the building work when we booked, you will be deducting 25% off the bill." The drilling stopped and he got his 25%, so SYMS does have its benefits. It’s not just lacklustre hotels and me that bear the brunt of it. American Express has had both barrels, as have numerous airlines and his favourite whipping boy, the AA, which, despite his top-whack cover, once refused to transport his car to a specialist garage of his choice. He spent 45 minutes negotiating his way through a wall of bureaucracy until SYMS kicked in. Redialling, he rang the chairman’s office, gave a la-di-da title and said he had a financial proposition to put to the company. Of course, he was put straight through. An hour later, his car was taken to the garage he wanted. Not, one suspects, because he was in the right, but more because the
CATHERINE GEE’S
M
aybe it is truly a sign that I am getting on a bit, but certain fashion trends have become completely beyond my comprehension. Despite a certain friend trying to explain the logistics behind it, I really do not understand the need to wear two belts. Once upon a time it was what crazy or drunk people did. Nowadays it is a fashion statement clung to by either badly coiffed emo kids or those with so little of their own fashion sense that they feel the need to actually copy emo kids. They are usually paired together with tight, black trousers, hair intentionally pushed over one eye, thus rendering the wearer completely without depth perception, and trademark Cons. With so many uniform
kids running around one has to wonder why the hell they can’t decide what to wear without having to copy their friends? It comes under the same heading as footless tights as a truly irritating and utterly pointless fashion trend. By all means, express yourselves through your body and clothes; if we all looked alike the world would be as boring as a church. But don’t league yourselves together like a sub-Nazi terrorist group with permanent scorn at those who haven’t been a Thrice gig. To my eyes the use of two belts at the same time just looks really strange. The first time I saw it was at work a few weeks ago on a girl of student age (and should, therefore, know better). I had to do a double take and try to figure out if this was intention-
chairman simply wanted to get rid of him. But, either way, it worked. I’m used to it by now, my family just roll their eyes behind his back and walk off and it’s a great source of
The drilling stopped and he got his 25% so SYMS does have its benefits amusement to our friends. At a friend’s wedding reception recently, we met a couple who had just had a baby. As we chatted, the wife, who was unfortunately more Michael Crawford than Cindy Crawford, stood in front of a mirror with the six-month-old who was transfixed by her own reflection. "Who’s that in the mirror?" the proud father asked his child. Pretending to be the baby, SB squeaked: "It’s me with an ugly bird, Dad!" We didn’t stay long.
ROOM 101
al or just post-hangover absent-mindedness. Maybe one belt was just not sufficient to hold up her low-slung skirt and she decided the most practical option was to double up on waist support. Or she could just wear a bigger belt. If such reckless belt wearing continues we could end up only godknows where. Three belts? Four belts? Belts being worn around the chest or thigh? Entire outfits made up only of belts? Maybe it is the Kubrickian jump forward in evolution in accessorising which will be pushed even further when one adventurous young whipper snapper adds a third to his collection. What may be beneficial to the belt manufacturing industry may not be so for basic human common sense.
It can be expected from the younger homosapians given that they have not quite figured out what looks good yet and are still in a period of experimentation. I shall still laugh at them but can understand with a condescending tilt of the head that they are still only growing. Students and all those over the legal drinking limit should know better. There’s no excuse to look so damn silly when you’ve already been doing it for 18 years. So get over the need to impersonate those younger than you and try to come up with something a bit more original instead. Maybe, I will start wearing two pairs of sunglasses. It only looks silly now…
October 3 2005
Editorial & Opinion
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opinion@gairrhydd.com
WHEN THE FASH PACK ATTACK Big egos squeezed into a Size 8, fashion editors are a breed apart. But mock them at your peril, warns Jason Jones
O
ne of the best things about being a journalist (aside from the low pay, constant brain-drain and the precarious nature of the profession) is that you don’t have to see me doing it and I don’t have to watch you reading it. True, some of us have a byline photo or a flattering cartoon, but take it from me they bear no relation to what we actually look like when we’re up against deadline, chain-smoking Marlboros and looking older than the Acropolis. Contrary to popular mythology, sports writers don’t work on articles wearing tracksuits; the gardening correspondent doesn’t wear corduroy trousers and wellies à la Alan Titchmarsh; foreign reporters don’t hunch over their desks in flak jackets and fatigues; and the gossip columnist doesn’t lounge around in an expensive whistle with some socialite’s knickers in their breast pocket. In reality, we all look much of a scruffy muchness. But there is one exception. One journalist who takes herself (and invariably it is a woman) so seriously that she gets into full costume and make-up to do it: the fashion editor. Fashion editors come from the Stanislavsky method school of journalism. They don’t just do it, they live it. It isn’t a day job; it’s a lifetime’s vocation. You can always tell when the fashion editor is making an appearance. They are announced by a sotto chorus of twittering sniggers. Then you catch sight of her. A coordinated riot. But these women don’t care. Their eyes don’t see what we see. Their ears are tuned to a different pitch, probably the same one made by squealing mink. Fashion editors don’t
MODEL MISBEHAVIOUR: Beware the really like to think of themselves as journos at all. They don’t have the slightest scintilla of interest in the other pages. They only watch TV or films if there are pretty clotheshorses on display, and the books they own have more pictures than words. As a reader, remember they’re not impartial observers. They’re committed catwalk believers. They worship and adore designers and, just like 12year-old football fans, they religiously wear their hero’s kit. Even in bed. When you see fashion editors together in one place, you realise that nearly all of them share one great thing in common (apart from thinking current affairs is a discussion of who’s
wrath of the Fashion Editor shagging who.) Almost all of them are ugly. If they weren’t born ugly, they have done their best through diligent artifice to make themselves as plain as possible.
Fashion editors come from the Stanislavsky method school of journalism. They don’t just do it, they live it Now you don’t have to be Freud’s barber to work out that there is a psychosis at the root of all this. That a desire to be a fashion editor springs
from some horrible subliminal childhood trauma. Fashion editors are usually lumpy women who look like scrag-ends of mutton basted up as lamb, drawn as moths to a flame of ambivalent men who only have eyes for 17-year-old androgynes. What’s more, they need to get the clothes first. This is really important. They have to wear fashion at least twelve months before anyone else, so they can circle each other and say: "Oh yes, that is lovely, isn’t it? I had one just like it. I gave it to Oxfam three months ago." To be à la mode a year before the rest of us is like turning up to a party five hours early. How do you feel when you are the first to arrive? Foolish, naturally. But this is where you part company with the fashion editor. Nothing is ever done tonguein-cheek, or even tongue-in-chic. Hobbling around looking like an expensive day-release manic depressive makes them feel loved. And when a fashion editor says, "I love clothes", they don’t mean the way we love chocolate and Sunday mornings. They mean the way Dracula loved virgins, the way Oedipus loved his mum, the way slugs love cabbage. Like exotic rare birds, they migrate throughout the year around the Intercontinental Serengeti of London, Paris, Milan and New York. Even though half their lives are spent travelling, they approach airports as if they’d never seen one before. Like nervous cows inspecting a glue manufacturer’s van. You can see little gaggles of them from a hundred gaudy yards on their precipitous heels, their plaintive call of "Where am I supposed to be?" squeaking above the terminal babble.
The whole of the mechanical modern world is a wicked mystery to them. More than one fashion editor has got into the back of her own car and imperiously commanded the steering wheel to take her to Harvey Nicks.
They don’t understand why their mobile phones won’t brush their hair or flush the loo Yet, if you think these women don’t affect your life because you’re above that sort of thing, then you are as deluded as they are. Fashion is one of the biggest businesses on the planet and everyone who wears clothes is part of it. These creatures, the most chronic of fashion victims, are solely responsible for dressing the rest of us. If you think about it it’s like visiting a doctor for a sore throat and discovering he’s got Ebola, or like putting junkies in charge of the medicine cabinet. When a fashion editor staggers through a glossy magazine’s office clearing desks with her swaying, bustled backside, dropping twigs, Christmas baubles and feathers from her absurd ensemble, the others may mock, but it is her crippled and twisted views that pay their mortgages. The loonies are not just taking over the asylum, they’ve paid a small fortune for a fake fur straitjacket and, worse, they’re going to sell you one. But that said, if Vogue are watching, I’m open to offers. If you can’t beat ‘em…
TRINNY AND SUSANNAH: Fashion policewomen
Comment
Page 8
October 3 2005
geordie@gairrhydd.com
The chewing gum on the shoe of opinion
Human rights? Not round here
B
ritish homosexuals are protected by the law. In Iran, they are prosecuted by it. In Britain, gay men may get bullied at school or at work. In Iran, they are publicly hanged. In Britain, those persecuted for their sexuality can turn to their parents, a sympathetic friend and ultimately, the law. In Iran, they may seek refuge in the UK. And we send them back to die. Or at least we try to – in the last two years, two gay Iranians whose applications for asylum were rejected, Hussein Nasseri and Israfil Shiri, committed suicide rather than return to face a public execution. In August, another was refused asylum and is also to be sent back, and will doubtless suffer the same fate as the estimated 4000 homosexuals that the Iranian authorities are believed to have executed since the revolution of 1979, notably the two teenagers hanged in July. (Human rights groups were told that the two boys were accused of rape, but then this is the same government that claims its nuclear technology is for peaceful purposes despite owning among the largest oil reserves in the world and no uranium, making it dependent on imports for energy. Not your most reliable source of information.) Among the conditions for status as a refugee under the UN’s rules is fear of persecution on account of membership of a ‘particular social group’. Presumably the judge reviewing the case doesn’t consider the gay community as a ‘social group’ – as evidence by his reference to the asylum seeker’s sexuality as a ‘predilection’ and use of the expression ‘unseemly activity’. The judiciary, especially in cases such as these, is in a unique position. The inherent prejudices of the other branches of government, in being composed of a large body of persons elected by the people, are both balanced
and reflect those of the population at large. In this instance, a man has been sent home to die because of another’s bigotry. And that’s what it is: bigotry. You can picture the scene as he gets home and his wife asks what kind of day he’s had and he responds, "We had an Iranian in. He was, you know, one of those." in a disgusted (and, indeed, disgusting) tone.
How different would the reaction have been if the poor sod had been applying for asylum on the ground that he was being persecuted on account of his race or religion? Would he have been more open to approving the application? British officials have gone out of their way to do so before – MI6 officer Frank Foley, for example, saved tens of thousands of Jews from
the Nazis when undercover as a passport control officer. But that was a more obvious problem, wasn’t it? We’re talking, let me remind you, about 4000 people. Just because it’s an act carried out by judicial means doesn’t mean it’s not murder. Just because there are no concentration camps or gas chambers doesn’t mean it isn’t genocide. And just because the judge who sent the young man back isn’t the one kicking out the chair from under those ‘guilty’ of homosexuality doesn’t mean he doesn’t share responsibility.
Just because there are no concentration camps doesn’t mean it isn’t genocide
WELCOME: Unless you’re both foreign and gay
This also shows that the post-Shoah anti-genocide insistence that ‘we must never let it happen again’ is nothing but empty rhetoric. How could we stop it? Intervention is a lose-lose situation for a foreign government: do nothing and be lambasted by human rights groups, or intervene to stop it and be lambasted by human rights groups (as with the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, when Clinton and Blair stepped in and were accused of warmongering). Refusing asylum is quite the opposite of intervention. If ignoring the problem, pretending that is isn’t our responsibility is a tacit, though unintentional, vote of support, then sending them back (however much Express readers might approve) is complicity. And in a national history of our government – which, currently, is supposed to represent its people - doing pretty bloody horrible things, this has got to be among the worst for very a long time.
The Cabinet: Episode 3 - Gordon is a moron
A
fter discovering just how much the other cabinet ministers hate him - i.e. slightly less than they hate the PM - our hero Gordon Brown is determined to change their minds. He’s not that bothered about being liked, but he really wants the top job. Seeking their approval, he’s turning to the dark side.
BROWN: (walks into Cabinet office) “Hi, guys.” Brown is comprehensively ignored by his colleagues. This doesn’t surprise him. But this time he has a plan. BROWN: “I’ve thought of a way to really screw the electorate.” PRESCOTT: (Looks up) “Shouldn’t we leave the screwing to David?”
Quote:
Blunkett gives what he imagines to be an ironic leer, but since he doesn’t know what one looks like, just looks constipated.
BROWN: “No, I have. It’s a good one this. They won’t even realise how much we’re ripping them off. I’ve reorganised the tax system.” CLARKE: (Sarcastically) “How original, Gordon. You’re going to tax people. Good.” GORDON: “No, I have. Er...this’ll keep them down. That’s the point isn’t it? Disguising ourselves as socialists but, you know, not really being, er, socialists?” PRESCOTT: (Surprised) “You’re catching on Gordon. It’s only taken eight years.”
BROWN: “Huh, yeah. Well, listen to this. Take this as an example: Family with two kids and pre-tax earnings of £200 per week. If their income increases by 50% (looks up to check everyone’s following his line) to £300 per week, with the increase in tax and reductions in benefits they’ll only actually be around £8 better off.” CLARKE: (Clearly very impressed) “I like that, Gordon. I like that a lot. Do you really think you can get away with it though?” BROWN: “Do you think the public are going to understand such a complex tax system?” There are general murmurs of agreement in the room. Except for John Prescott, who remains stony-faced.
PRESCOTT: “Actually, Gordon, we were thinking of joining the other parties in advocating a flat tax system.” BROWN: (Disheartened) Oh. Well, it was just an idea.” Brown turns to leave. Prescott laughs in his inimitable (except to George Lucas) style and throws his arm round the Chancellor’s shoulders. PRESCOTT: “I was only kidding Gord. Jesus, don’t be so sensitive.” BROWN: (Lights up) “What do you think of my leadership potential then?” BLUNKETT: “I see no viable alternative.” NEXT WEEK: Party Conference
“Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to tell people what they don’t want to hear” - hurryupharry.bloghouse.net
EUROMILLIONS
I
told you so. We care more about tragedies in the world when they happen to people we perceive to be like ourselves. And so we’re more likely to offer assistance, be it physical or financial. Hence the Republic of Ireland’s government has given the United States EUR1million in aid after Hurricane Katrina. The mind boggles. The US is the richest country in the world. Their defence budget for one day could feed the developing world for an entire year (though apparently it doesn’t quite stretch to providing adequate training in the correct procedure for dealing with prisoners of war) and they need money from Ireland? Ireland? The government revenue comes from tax (both domestically and money received from EU funds) which is supposed to be spent on public services, broadly speaking, taking from the rich and giving to the poor (Robin Hood: the original Guevara?). That’s to the poor. Not to the richest nation on Earth, who are more than capable of looking after themselves (in theory). The damage caused by the hurricane was, obviously, terrible, but I’m sure the vast resources available to Federal government will be sufficient for the repair work that needs doing. If they have that much money to spend on foreign aid, Bertie Ahern would be better off throwing Ireland’s cash at somewhere that actually needs it. Sudan, for example. Or Colombia, currently suffering the world’s second largest humanitarian disaster after Sudan, which has barely been reported on at all in the western media. A million euros is going to be very approximately the same number of US dollars, or around £700,000. With a population of around 300 million, that’s about an extra quarter of a pence per head. Or, alternatively, the President could just suspend the tax cuts to some of super-rich pals. Either way, they don’t need help from Ireland. Let’s face it, if they wanted to, America could buy Ireland and use it as a park-and-ride to go to London. But then, a lot of American money has found its way into Irish hands over the last few decades, if we include Northern Irish Republican groups. And some of those recipients recently found themselves significantly better off (unless you actually believe that the IRA didn’t rob the Northern Bank, in which case you’re probably an idiot). Add in the fact that both of Bertie Ahern’s parents used to be in the IRA, and I smell corruption. Of course it could just be coincidence – I’m not really big on conspiracy theories. geordie@gairrhydd.com
Letters
October 3 2005
Page 9
letters@gairrhydd.com
WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
The gair rhydd letters page Hello everyone, welcome to the dark side. This is not a reference to Star Wars, I am talking about the grey background. I hope you’ve had a great Freshers’ week which you can treasure in your heart for the rest of your life. If not, don’t worry, because there is always plenty going on. I am afraid to say that lectures are going to begin next week, boo-hoo. But look on the bright side, your student loan should have arrived by now. You could blow some of it on new clothes, loads of CDs, DVDs and whatever else floats your boat. Just make sure you have enough left over to survive. Enjoy the letters and good luck staying awake in lectures. Menon.
Binge Winge IT’S ONE THING to drink and have a good time. It’s another to drink and act stupid.which is what I see most Brits do. I come from a society that doesn't depend on drinking to have a good time. Yes we do drink, but we certainly don't act as silly as a lot of morons on the streets after a night out. AND we certainly can have a good if not better time. My country is certainly not a developed nation yet and not a world superpower but I can tell you that we certainly don't act like jackasses after having a few drinks. All of you out there definitely know what I mean. One interesting fact you can attribute to this 'harmless' binge drinking culture of yours is this. Scotland is the most violent country in the world. Second being England and Wales (Eh?- Ed.). Why? Due to this fun binge culture of yours. It’s not just a problem with students. It’s also a problem with your so-called level-headed mature adults. Just tonight my door was banged on by some blokes who are pissed out of their heads and then some English guy came up to me proclaiming his Englishness and looking at me as if he was a superior race to me (I've met racists before and I know what kind of looks they give you) wanting to punch my lights out.
text
I kept my cool and knew half of this was due to his state of intoxication but if drinking reduces the so-called superior race to this then I see no difference between you and cockroaches. Yours truly, another third year Law student
Yours, Toan Ravenscroft. Campaigns and Public Relations Officer Cardiff University Students' Union
The Recycle Cycle
Small price to pay
THE MAIN scheme for recycling in Cardiff is the green bag scheme. The cost depends on where you live, as in some areas the bags are handed out free and in other parts you have to buy them. Cathays definitely has some streets which do receive the bags for free and you can find out more by calling the council's C2Chotline on 02920 872087. A new recycling centre is also being built at the Council's Lamby Way site, as the current system is running at capacity, which will help in their aim of providing 'free recycling for all residents by the end of 2007' (Claire Cutforth, Recycling Team, Cardiff Council). The Recycling Map showing where you can recycle, what facilities are at shops and much more is available to be viewed in the SDU corridor, on the 3rd floor of the Students' Union. Cardiff University Students' Union is also one of the agencies who make
RECYCLING is a great idea. I'm glad you think so. But why aren't you willing to pay for it? If, as you say, "a recycling initiative could make the world a better place", then surely you're willing to put some money where your mouth is? You ask "Where does all the money go?". Well, whaddya know, it pays (only partially) for the recycling. It's an expensive business - one of the reasons that new manufacture is so prevelent over recycling is that it's a lot less hassle and cheaper. As it happens, in Cardiff, we have a fairly good scheme. Yes you do have to pay - but it's £1 for 10 large green bags, collected fortnightly from outside your house. Hardly extortionate. £1 won't even get you a half-pint these days - surely you can sacrifice a drink to make the world a better place? Even if the scheme is not available on your road - it's probably only a short walk to a road that is covered by the scheme. Go on, use those environmentally-friendly muscles you have. Call 02920 775322 to find out where you can get green bags from, what you can put in them, and when they're collected. They will tell you what happens to all your recycled stuff. Our house gets through about one bag per week, so for a couple of quid
07791165837
Was i dreaming or there a neighbour soc?
I am the milkman CUNT
Please goodman, no more sambuca, i may die
Censor that.
You’re never getting your blender back, ha ha
I want that horny little monkey
Spotted: Ridler with a beard. He looks Amish
Have i won menon now?
What is better? The beer or the attitude of the beer? Fresher Heaven, sweet
up the Keep Cardiff Tidy partnership. This resulted in the inaugural ‘Get It Out For Cardiff ’ event in June, which was a big success and will be run again this year along with the ‘Know Your Bin Day’ campaign, to keep Cathays looking tidy! May I also take this opportunity to underline the importance of the Save Our Union License (SOUL) campaign. Whilst I urge you to have a really enjoyable time at our events, please have some courtesy and be quiet on your way home, for the benefit of the full time residents and your fellow student neighbours.
Jimi and Will are kings of the hill. Man 21 from Colum Rd seeks female 20-30 for Alaibi last Sat night
per term you too can play your part in saving the planet you are obviously so concerned about. One more thing: "Furthermore, too many people are leaving rubbish lying around and somebody should do something about this.". Well, my friend, http://www.keepcardifftidy.info/ are always looking for volunteers - no time like the present!! info@keepcardifftidy.info Pob hwyl, fy ffrind. Yours, sixth year Environmental Engineer.
Enrolment sucks DON’T YOU just hate enrolment? It’s the same old thing every year and it’s so irritating. I live off City Road and I had to walk all the way to Talybont and back when I had plenty of other things to do. To make matters worse, I had to wait in a queue for about an hour so the whole process took almost three hours. As I am a second year student, why on Earth do I have to enrol again anyway? Surely the uni should know I am a student in Cardiff as I was here last year. If enrolment has to take place, I think the uni should think of a more effective method which is simpler and less time-consuming. Perhaps we could come in for an arranged appointment or just post the necessary forms online. That would save a whole load of time. Yours, Frank Baker, Second year student
Fayre Play IT STRIKES ME THAT most people write letters to say something bad. Well, this letter is an exception to the rule as I want to say something good. As a first year student, I thought the Freshers’ Fayre was pretty good. It was certainly better than I was expecting. I thought there would be a few stalls, but I was amazed with the
large number of societies on offer. I joined about three societies today when I wasn’t expecting to join any. The people were really friendly and the event was well organised, considering there was a large number of students present. Yours, A Happy Fresher
I am not a thug With reference to last week’s letter “Clean up your act”, I was outraged to see Bio-medicine students labelled as troublesome thugs. The ‘old-fart’ from Cathays said they didn’t want to be disturbed by the Bio-medicine rugby team climbing on the roof of a neighbour’s car. I am a Bio-medicine student who does not play rugby and does not cause trouble. My course-mates were also angry with the comments made by the ‘old-fart’. I don’t think any student studying any course should be labelled. I thought we lived in a world devoid of sterotypical comments and prejudice. Obviously not. Although the ‘old-fart’ may have been telling an innocent joke, I didn’t find it very funny. Pissed off Bio-medicine student
Please email letters to
letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? If you want to get your point across to the Cardiff population, this is the place to do it. Send your gripes to the above email address. If you want to see your letter printed in next week’s issue, try to email it before Thursday lunchtime. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.
letter of the week Geordie is spot on I BELIEVE that the opinion expressed in Geordie’s ‘The Island’ regarding insularism is spot on, and I believe it can even be applied more widely to the attitude of the West (in general) to the rest of the world. How else can we explain how vast amounts of resources and effort have been pumped into the so-called 'war against terrorism', whose casualties (at least in the West) so far number in the thou-
sands (and those mostly in one event), while the global pandemic of AIDs, and the issues surrounding poverty in general, which affect billions of people, receive relatively little resources? I don't wish in any way to undermine the tragedy of the death of people in 9/11, Madrid, and the July bombings, but the response to other issues, affecting many more people, in other countries don't appear to be receiving a proportionate response. It's not that people fundamentally don't care
about these things, it's just that we suffer from this instinctive insularism. And whatever your opinions about Geordie's views on ID cards, at least he seems to have injected a certain amount of passion into the debate, and it may not be often that you can say that these days, but I agree with him, please let’s keep personal insults out of it. Yours, Piers Horner, First year Post-grad Student
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Politics
Page 10
October 3 2005
politics@gairrhydd.com
WE CAN RULE THEM ALL
With the forthcoming by-elections in his sights, James Twigger looks at how the Union is run, and how YOU can get involved
By James Twigger Union Secretary
Y
ou might not think it but governing in the Students’ Union can be as tough as governing in Westminster. In Cardiff it operates on several layers. The first of these is the student population, all 22,000 of them. They are represented by the executive team who are elected annually in the March elections. Made up of sabbatical and non-sabbatical officers, the executive is responsible for the day-to-day running of Union affairs.
account by the ‘Student Council’. The Council is the governing body of Cardiff University Students’ Union, and all students are invited and encouraged to take up seats as councillors. It’s a chance to represent your fellow students and contribute to the continual process of ensuring that the union is working in the interests and
wishes of the student body. The Council is comprised of all the Union executive alongside many more councillors drawn from the student body. The prime responsibility of the Council is to create, monitor and scrutinise Union policy, in short it is essential in order to maintain the Union as a
genuinely democratic organisation. Joining Council is an ideal first step to becoming more involved in the behind the scenes workings of the Students’ Union and is a rare opportunity to represent your peers in issues that really matter. As a Cardiff University student you are one of the shareholders of this
As a Cardiff University student you are one of the shareholders of this Union If you don’t like something about the Union, then come and tell us. If you’re interested in signing up come to the office on the third floor of the Students’ Union, or come along to the meet and greet on the tenth of October in the Aneurin Bevan meeting room on the 4th floor of the Union. The sovereign body, and most powerful decision making body within the organisation is the Students’ Union Annual General Meeting (AGM). The issues that arise at AGM are very important, and often involve constitutional changes as well as motions to change Union policy. It is also your opportunity to hold the executive team to account. In this respect, the balance of power lies with you as a student in Cardiff.
If you don’t like something about the Union, come and tell us There are currently three non-sabbatical positions vacant, which will be filled in the upcoming by-elections. These vacancies are Ethical & Environmental Officer, Mature Students Officer and Students with Disabilities Officer. Nominations opened on Thursday 29th October and will be open for seven days. The executive team are held to
Union. You DO have a say in everything that goes on here, and as a result you should take part in making sure that it functions in the best way possible.
STUDENT COUNCIL: Not like this
A little bit of history repeating By Andrew Rennison Political Correspondent
L
ower your voice, hush the room and place an ear to the ground. Yep, just faintly you can hear what usually only dogs and other mammals have to put up with: Ian Paisley’s voice. Once again old Paisley’s raging against whatever is within sight and/or smell, his fiery tirades so loud that they’re just about audible throughout most of Western Europe. Luckily for those of us who don’t really care about his slight tiff with the IRA, the threat from across the Irish Sea seems almost dead and buried regardless; there’s some way to go yet, but perhaps one day all Ian will be roaring about will be holes in his slippers and the size of his pension. Furthermore, with decommissioning now apparently showing some results many will say that Republicans with guns neither are, nor were, anything compared to the almighty menace of Al-Qaeda – a terrorist threat for the 21st century. Certainly since the 7/7 bombings and the attempt of a fortnight later, past dangers from the IRA appear almost as small fry in the eyes of the British public. This, however, is an extremely blurry notion.
Possibly the biggest misconception in Britain right now is that Islamic extremism poses the greatest terrorist threat our country has ever seen. The sense of a grand occasion in history is drummed up in every direction, with phrases such as ‘threatening our way of life’ and ‘enemies of freedom’ becoming simply bywords for our society as a whole. Of course this latest foe is a danger,
7/7: Blast from the past.
and nobody could undermine the tragedy of those killed in July. But at the same time, if we allow ourselves to be wound up by this notion of a monumental danger then we achieve the terrorists’ aims for them; we lose. This menace is indeed uncharted waters. We’ve never faced radical Islam in this way. We’ve never faced suicide bombers of this nature before. But something being new doesn’t nec-
essarily raise the bar. In 1974/75, the IRA launched a major offensive on mainland Britain, which effectively started just down the road from my hometown with the Guildford pub bombing. Over 14 months, London suffered 40 bombings, as well as further attacks on pubs in Birmingham, Surrey, and drive-by shootings of restaurants and other public places. Led by a team of
no more than half a dozen IRA combatants, the campaign vaguely targeted political or military figures but became increasingly indiscriminate. Some who spoke out against the men involved, like the public figure Ross McWhirter, were shot at in their homes by those they opposed. In London, shop windows paraded only sandbags, police were manning nearly every street corner, and almost every week brought yet another fresh attack. Is that London today? Yet the way the perceived menace hangs in the air like a Bin Laden-shaped cloud, you’d be forgiven for thinking it was. I’m not saying that in 30 years Osama too will be ranting about his slippers and pension. The use that the IRA has as a point of reference is not in working out how to solve the current danger, but in gaining some consoling perspective. If we let our surroundings convince us that this is a threat far greater than it truly is, we may in fear succumb to every hard line and every tough measure that our government is more than happy to take. History is littered with this scenario time and again; yet the result may not be some return to a utopia that never even existed. Instead, the more afraid and controlled we become, the more extremism will to live for.
Media
October 3 2005
Page 11
Political party poppers media@gairrhydd.com
Commercial artists are always telling audiences there’s a message behind their music. Media looks at how politics and pop really mix By Heather Casey Media Editor AS MICHAEL JACKSON’S publicist announces the star’s plan to recruit singers for his latest single, in aid of Hurricane Katrina victims, sceptics wonder: how much can a song really help? With performers like Elton John telling The Daily Telegraph that the Live8 concert was an ‘anti-climax’ with ‘no sense of occasion’, can a song really make a difference to those who have lost loved ones, homes and livelihoods thanks to Hurricane Katrina? A brief history of the political popsong has to start with Bob Dylan and his work during the Civil Rights Movement in 1960s America. Signed in 1961 from a folk background, Dylan performed a song called Only A Pawn In Their Game, which described the death of a civil-rights worker, as well as a variety of deeply political Woody Guthrie covers. In the 1970s, Dylan was joined by artists such Joni Mitchell and Simon & Garfunkel who wrote many songs about topics like the Vietnam War. Another memorable addition was John Lennon’s Give Peace A Chance. Today, there are two ways in which musicians and socio-political causes are combined. There is the lyrically based protest, which is political in lyrical content. Examples of this are George Michael’s unsuccessful Shoot The Dog single and the works of Bill Bragg and Propagandhi. In areas affected by political conflict, there is also an appreciation for this type of song. Palestinian rapper Iron Sheik, who is Arab-American, is due to release a second CD, featuring political lyrics like "I thought we learned/systemic discrimination is wrong for a nation/that prides itself on a democratic orientation." Second is the celebrity collective offering, the newest example being Jackson’s song From The Bottom Of My Heart. Putting together a star-studded
Putting together a ‘charity’ single almost seems compulsory to any aid drive line almost seems compulsory to an aid drive, with the original Band Aid used a template. Many journalists offer their views on the idea of ‘meaningful music’. NME.com said "There was us a fine, fine line between angry punk and sanctimonous nagging". The Guardian Unlimited adding : "Cynics see the political agitations of Yorke (Radiohead), Martin (Coldplay) and Bono (U2) as a T-shirt and Diet Coke protest by ‘knobhead’ students". Acutely aware of such criticism, many are quick to defend their work. Chris Martin told femalefirst.co.uk:
store, tryin' to look for food/News say the police shot a black man trying to loot". Finally, politicians are not adverse to using pop music to their advantage. Tony Blair made his second appearance on an MTV debate programme in July. He commented, "30 years ago I guess I was the age of most people who are here. 30 years later I'm in a position to do something about it [world poverty]."
Musician Charles Bailey is making a CD aimed at engaging young people in politics “”George Bush doesn’t care about black people” Kanye West ad- libbing on US NBC telethon “To say politics and music don't mix is to say that politics and gardening don't mix, or politics and plumbing. Politics concerns everybody." Adding to NME.com about the Band Aid 20 song he said: “We [celebrities] could all be doing a headstand together. It's just a fact that enough people from one culture are coming on TV basically and saying 'What about this problem?"
Eurovision got political with an anti-war song from Latvia called The War Is Not Over Others point out that music is the only way to highlight a social or political issue. In 2003 Welsh pop artists came together in North Wales to record a track opposing the war in Iraq. The song, titled Ddim Yn Fy Enw I (Not In My Name) was written by Radio Cymru award-winner Gai Thomas. Explaining the reasoning behind the song, he said “We are raising our voices as musicians and as Welsh people because we have no other forum in Wales". In Eurovision 2005, Latvia came in the top-five with their entry The War Is Not Over. The anti-war song was a high scorer until Greece took a 42-point advantage. The crowd were seen “to join in the meaningful, international lyrics". Walters and Kazha who performed the song, were also dressed in white and used sign language to communicate the lyrics "The war is not over everyone knows it/It’s just a reason to make us believe/That someone’s the loser someone’s the winner/To make us believe that’s the way it should be" Meanwhile, chart success Judgement Day, the latest offering
from 2002 Mecury Music Prize winner Ms. Dynamite, has a lot more to offer than just another R&B single. Described as “The sound of today’s urban multi-cultural british youth" her new album covers ‘real’ issues; from domestic violence to the intellectual property rights of pharmaceutical companies. BBC Radio 1, who is working closely with the artist this month, ran a story this week stating that "Ms. Dynamite says she is likely to offend people with her new album".
Kanye West’s comments on the NBC hurricane telethon have inspired musicians on the Gulf coast to voice their experiences through music. Rappers Legendary K.O have released a song online entitled George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People which is a remix of West’s Gold Digger. Micah from the group said: "I had really wanted to write about this in the first-person, as someone stuck in New Orleans... When I heard Kanye during the benefit, the rest as they say was history". Lyrics include "Swam to the
Blair began cultivating (or at least trying to) ‘street cred’ image in 2001, when a Labour Party broadcast featured Geri Halliwell. Musician Charles Bailey is also using music to engage young people in politics. Reported early this month on www. polsong.gcal.ac.uk/.the albumfeatures contribution from Faithless rapper Maxi Jazz and Radio 1 presenter Emma B. Previous CDs released have featured speeches by Tony Benn and Margaret Thatcher set to music. The website, which is the Centre for Political Song, is part of Research Collections at Glasgow Caledonian University.
October 3 2005
Science & Environment
Page 13
science@gairrhydd.com
Physics is rubbish - fact
As more people than ever chose to study for degrees in science, we ask; what is their value in the real world? By Jez North
Science Reporter
T
here’s a poem by Joaquín María Bartrina called Análisis. The gist of his story is that ‘Juan’ has a whopping big diamond – the "tear of a star" – and, wanting to know what it’s made of, he studies chemistry and analyses the aforementioned jewel, and is ultimately disappointed to find that it’s ‘just carbon’. The idea that knowing how something works takes away its beauty is, of course, largely nonsense. But it is true that the process of studying something can easily remove any pleasure from the subject. Telescopes have a lot to answer for. The series of images taken from the Hubble Space Telescope, for example, is sufficient to rival an entire renaissance art collection in terms of striking visuals. The Universe, it seems, is a place inherently predisposed to prettiness. And it’s precisely that capacity for awe-inspiring that has seduced many gullible young fools such as myself into studying sciences, particularly physics. That and reading A Brief History of Time and having the arrogance to assume it’s not hugely dumbed-down and it’s all really very simple. It isn’t. Oh, it starts off fine. The work is pretty easy and obvious. But once the hard, serious stuff approaches – the kind of thing that people might ask about upon hearing the subject mentioned – it goes downhill. Very quickly. The maths related to what we’re trying to explain gets not only more complicated but less easy to make the link, mentally, to what it’s supposed to be describing.
THE EAGLE NEBULA: Not going to improve your people skills And far from having all the answers, some of the bizarre things we’re expected to accept as gospel are as foolish as, well, Gospel. (What do you mean the cat’s dead AND alive? It just is.) Quickly the whole thing seems totally unrelated to anything at all. And students get disheartened. Not just the average, middle-of-theroad students with a limited interest in the subject anyway. Even the pastyfaced geeks that typify the science student and clearly spend far too much time indoors. Any ideas of carrying on and going into academic research go straight out the window. So, if the degree is to be used at all in The Real World, it’s going to be in
private R&D. Which means either developing ID cards to keep tabs on the neighbours, or missiles to bomb Iraqi children.
The process of studying it can easily remove pleasure from the subject So it’s little surprise that from my graduating class, over half want nothing to do with the subject again. Even those going on to do PhDs - especially those going on to do PhDs.
States blown away, again H urricane Rita hit the Texas and Louisiana coast early on Saturday local time. By Chris Brett
Deputy Science Editor
Although weaker than feared, the storm sparked a 4.6m surge which flooded towns along the Louisiana coastline. Galveston, a coastal city only 6m above sea level and situated on a barrier island was spared a direct hit. After a disastrous storm in 1900 sand from the bay was used to build up the island and a large sea wall was constructed aiding it’s survival. However, the already battered New Orleans took another heavy blow with flood waters rising to 2.4m after breaching holes in already weakened levees. Engineers warned it could take at least two weeks to pump water from the worst-affected neighbourhoods. Large areas of the city remain without fresh water, power and sanitation.
Some experts continue to argue that global warming is the catalyst to the increasing intensity of these events. There is a school of thought that the USA is feeling the repercussions for its irresponsible attitude to rapidly rising CO2 levels. Though others claim that global warming has no link at all to the extreme weather phenomenon simply that storm activity is highly variable in terms of frequency, intensity and regional occurrence. This is also tied into the idea that the rise in sea temperatures in the Gulf of Mexico is simply on a natural cycle, one which has occurred for thousands of years. 2005 has been an exceptionally bad year for the area, yet the question remains; will America awake to it’s environmental responsibilities and begin to rein in it’s emissions quota, or will the US go for the short term solution like Galveston and protect all its cities with a barrier against nature.
On top of that, the increased number of people graduating from Universities (mostly humanities students, mostly people who have no business going anywhere near higher education – thanks for that one Tony) means the value of the degree itself is questioned, and the certificate is commonly referred to – out of earshot of the lecturers – as the Thirties Deutschmark. (Indeed, the principal reason for writing this is that despite the Masters in Astrophysics I’m unemployed, and any fee will go quite a long way thank you very much.) It’s not our fault, the disillusionment. I blame the lecturers. Sciences are by nature research-led subjects, and academics, those people that
Science in brief Tasty SWORDFISH PURCHASED at stores in 22 US states were found to be swimming with Mercury. The research, carried out by environmental group Oceana, showed that most steaks were well over the legal limit for for mercury, which is set as 1 part per million by the FDA.
Cancer Chemicals ENVIRONMENTAL pollutants such as chemicals and carcinogens are playing a big part in the huge rise in breast cancer, according to a report by the UK Working Group on the Primary Prevention of Breast Cancer.
And a side order of... RITA: Touching down
somehow managed not to lose all passion for the subject, usually at the cost of their grip on reality (and ability to manage their hair). So while they’re teaching, they’d by and large rather be getting on with research. And it shows. Lacklustre lecturing is endemic, and it’s pretty hard to get excited when the guy who’s giving the class clearly wants to be somewhere else. An enthusiastic university teacher is a rare and wonderful thing. My department had just one. Out of over fifty members of staff. There remains the question: ‘Was it worth it?’ Absolutely, despite all my cynicism. Firstly, the degree is worth something – worth a great deal. The university experience itself is one I can recommend to anyone – even if you get a poor degree, you’ll still come away with a great education. Now I’m not subjected to lecturers talking at me while looking through me – now I don’t have to study the damn subject any more – I can appreciate the details again. I might not have all the answers, or even all the questions, but I’ve learned a lot. Colourful, poster-perfect snaps of the galaxy’s gases are no less impressive with an (admittedly vague) idea of what’s going on, they are in fact more so, regardless of what Spanish poets think. The learning process during four years of degree study was mostly boring, often frustrating and occasionally maddening. But the end justifies the means. What use an Astrophysics degree will be in The Real World is anyone’s guess - at the very least, I can answer the space questions on pub quiz machines. But I’ll never understand that business with the cat.
SEAWEED could be added to junk food and cakes in order to make them more healthy. Scientists at Newcastle
University say that certain properties of exotic species of seaweed found around the world can increase the fibre content of fatty foods while slowing down digestion.
Radioactive Leak A NUCLEAR treatment plant was temporarily shut down last week, after a radioactive leak during decommissioning work. The cementation plant at Dounreay, Scotland was closed after a batch of spent fuel was spilt. Officals said that the incident had been contained and nobody was harmed.
gair rhydd isn’t just for Journalism students!
If you’ve got an interest in any area of science or the environment and want to contribute to your student paper, email Science on: science@gairrhydd.com.
Tud 14
Taf-Od
3 Hydref 2005
tafod@gairrhydd.com
Ymchwiliad e.coli Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od Yr wythnos diwethaf cynhaliodd y Cynulliad gyfarfod brys i drafod achosion cynyddol e.coli yn ne Cymru. Ymddangosodd yr achos cyntaf yn Ysgol Gyfun Stanwell, Penarth ar 18 Medi ac ers hynny mae’r nifer wedi cynyddu i 144. Plant yw nifer helaeth dioddefwyr y clefyd a achosir gan facteria ym mherfedd gwartheg, sy’n cael ei gysylltu â chwmni cig John Tudor a’i Fab, Pen-y-bont ar Ogwr. Ond yn ôl yr Athro Delme Bowen, gwraidd y broblem yw bod milfeddygon yn gor-ddefnyddio moddion gwrth-fiotig ar wartheg. Dywed bod yr achos yn debyg i un MRSA, ac er y gallai nifer yr achosion barhau i gynyddu, dywed nad oes angen creu ‘ofnadwyaeth’. Cred Jeff Jones, cyn-arweinydd Cyngor Pen-ybont ar Ogwr, bod bai mawr ar awdurdodau lleol, nad yw adrannau iechyd yr amgylchedd yn derbyn eu cyfran haeddiannol o’r cyllid. ‘Mae’n rhaid i awdurdodau lleol wneud dewisiadau,’ meddai, ‘maen nhw’n cael pot o arian gan y cynulliad – ac mae’r arian wedi codi dros y blynyddoed diwethaf – ond mae’r pwysau yn uchel.’ Er gwaetha’r holl gyhuddiadau, nid oes unrhyw dystiolaeth o wir darddiad y clefyd, ac mae’r ymchwil yn parhau. Yn y ddadl ar 28 Medi, roedd gwrthbleidiau’r Cynulliad yn gytûn yn y galw am ymchwiliad cyhoeddus i’r achosion cynyddol o e.coli yn y de. Nid oedd union natur yr ymchwiliad wedi ei bennu yn y cyfarfod brys, ond un posibiliad yw ffurfio pwyllgor o chwech – 3 aelod Llafur a 3 aelod o’r gwrthbleidiau – i drafod
Adolygiad Gig: ‘Cymru Lloegr a Llanrwst’ Gan Awen Schiavone Gohebydd Taf-Od
I
pa fath o ymchwiliad fydd hwn. Dywedodd y Swyddog Iechyd, Dr Gibbons, ‘bydd union natur yr ymchwiliad yn dibynnu ar ganlyniadau adolygiadau a fydd yn cael eu cynnal a chyngor cyfreithiol’. Yn ystod yr wythnos honnodd swyddogion iechyd bod nifer yr achosion o e.coli yn arafu, ac y byddai unrhyw gynnydd pellach yn deillio o facteria sydd dal yn fyw, sy’n cymryd rhyw wythnos i ddiflannu, yn hytrach nac achosion newydd. Ond gyda nifer achosion e.coli Cymoedd y De yn unig yn codi o 122 i 144 o fewn diwrnodau, gan ychwanegu 5 ysgol at y rhestr, nid yw’n syndod os bydd rhagor o achosion dros y diwrnodau nesaf.
gyd-fynd â rhyddhau bocsset ‘Atalnod Llawn’, casgliad cyflawn o gerddoriaeth Y Cyrff rhwng 19831992, cyflwynodd Rasal a Rima daith i’r tri lleoliad Cymru, Lloegr a Llanrwst. Agorodd y daith yng Nghaerdydd nos Sadwrn y 24ain yng Nghlwb Ifor Bach, cyn mynd ymlaen i Lundain ar y nos Fawrth, ac yn ôl i Lanrwst ar y nos Iau. Roedd hon yn ddigwyddiad arbennig ac yn gyfle unigryw i weld rhai o fandiau mwyaf blaenllaw Cymru yn perfformio rhai o glasuron Y Cyrff ynghyd ag ambell i gân eu hunain. Band cyntaf y noson oedd Jen Jeniro, criw ifanc o Lanrwst a ddaeth yn agos at ennill ByB CYIG yn y ’Steddfod eleni. Cafwyd set o ganeuon amrywiol yn cynnwys ‘Canol y Ffordd’ (rhyw fath o gân serch i Bryn Fôn!), a llwyddwyd i atsain perlau Y Cyrff, ‘Mewn Plu’ ac ‘Ar Goll’.
Yna daeth Dan Amor, gynt o Gabrielle 25 (eto o Ddyffryn Conwy) i’r llwyfan gan ddechrau ei set fel ‘sioe un dyn’. Yna ymunodd ei fand ag ef i swyno’r gynulleidfa â’i felodiau, ynghyd â ‘Colli Er Mwyn Ennill’ a’r enwog ‘Pethau Achlysurol’ o eiddo Y Cyrff. Nesaf ymlaen oedd Maharishi, gr_p sydd â’u traed yn sefydlog yn y Sîn Roc Gymraeg ers blynyddoedd bellach. Yn ogystal ag ambell i gân wreiddiol, perfformiodd y band ‘Trwy’r Cymylau’, ‘Cerdda Efo Fi Mewn Distawrwydd’ a ‘Bedd Argraff’ yn union yn steil Y Cyrff gyda llais Gwil yn atsain llais Mark yn gywrain iawn. Yn olaf daeth uchafbwynt y noson wrth i Alun Tan Lan a Kentucky AFC ymuno i berfformio set gyflawn o ganeuon Y Cyrff. Roedd egni anhygoel gan Alun a chafwyd perfformiad arbennig a phwerus iawn ganddynt. Yn sicr, gwnaeth y pedwar
band deilyngdod ag Y Cyrff, a daeth y noson i’w therfyn gyda’r berl ‘Anwybyddwch Ni’, cyn i Alun a KAFC ddod yn ôl i’r llwyfan i berfformio’r anhygoel ‘Cymru, Lloegr a Llanrwst’. Roedd pawb i’w gweld wedi mwynhau’r noson arbennig ac unigryw hon. Yn sicr, mae Y Cyrff a’u cerddoriaeth yn parhau i ddylanwadu ar artistiaid heddiw, a’u caneuon yn dal i fod yn ddiddorol a chyfoes. Tyrd hefo fi lle ‘di’r anifeiliaid byth yn mentro A gawn ni siarad am Cymru, Lloegr a Llanrwst unwaith eto."
Adolygiad CD: ‘Mewn i Jwngl Java’ Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od Enillodd Java gystadleuaeth ‘Brwydr y Bandiau C2’ 2004, ac ers hynny mae’r band ifanc o Lanbed wedi mynd o nerth i nerth yn chwarae mewn gigiau ledled y wlad, gan gynnwys yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol. Ac yn ystod yr wythnos honno fe ryddhaon nhw eu EP cyntaf, ‘Mewn i Jwngwl
Java’, ac arni bum cân, ac un sypreis – cymysgedd o’r bywiog ar ychydig yn fwy hamddenol. Dyw ansawdd y cynhyrchu ddim yn gwneud cyfiawnder â’r gân gyntaf, ‘Broga Coch’, sy’n wych yn fyw. Ac mae posibiliad o ganu’r llinell anfarwol ‘paid â fy nghyffwrdd i’ am amser wedyn – ond nid mewn ffordd annifyr. Mae’r cynhyrchu’n gwella wrth i’r EP fynd yn ei flaen,
gydag amrywiaeth steil y band yn amlwg – o ‘Y Ras’ i ffynci bît ‘Dyn Post Marw’ – ond eto’n cadw’r naws Javaidd hwnnw sy’n ein sicrhau y gallwn ddisgwyl llawer iawn mwy gan y band yn y dyfodol agos, a’r dyfodol pellach. Gobeithio bydd y naws hwnnw’n parhau wrth iddyn nhw ddilyn trwydd ychydig gwahanol gyda’u haelod diweddaraf, y rapiwr ifanc, Cynan Llwyd.
Cartref Newydd Gan Lois Dafydd Golygydd Taf-Od Mae Bae Caerdydd yn prysur ehangu ers blynydoedd. Prin flwyddyn yn ôl agorwyd Canolfan y Mileniwm a’r wythnos diwethaf cafodd aelodau’r Cynulliad Cenedlaethol gyfle i ymweld â’r ychwanegiad diweddaraf. Mae’r gwaith ar gartref newydd llywodraeth a chynulliad Cymru’n dirwyn i ben wedi blynyddoedd o gynllunio ac adeiladu, gyda’r gobaith o’i agor yn swyddogol ar
Ddydd G_yl Dewi 2006. Mae’r adeilad, a gynlluniwyd gan Richard Rogers, ar ffurf cylch yn y dull Ewropeaidd, a’i nodwedd amlycaf yw’r simne crwn pren sy’n codi drwy’r cyfan. Mae’n cynnwys siambr drafod newydd, ond bu cryn ddadlau eisoes ynghylch y costau adeiladu o £60m, yn enwedig o du’r Ceidwadwyr. Dywedodd Brynle Williams, AC Gogledd Cymru, ‘Dwi ddim yn falch eu bod wedi gwario cymaint ond wedi ei weld dwi am gymryd fy lle’.
Un o fwriadau’r cynllun yw sicrhau perthynas agosach â gweddill Cymru. Yn ôl Sue Essex, Gweinidog Cyllid Cymru, ‘Mae barn a meddwl y cyhoedd yn allweddol i’r cynllun ac rydym yn awyddus i’r bobl ddefnyddio’r adeilad a theimlo’n gyfforddus wrth ddod yma’. Yn sgil hyn mae mynediad cyhoeddus yn bosib, ac ychwanegodd Ms Essex, ‘Ein bwriad ydi gallu cydweithio gyda phobl Cymry yn fwy effeithiol a bod hwn yn gartref i ddemocratiaeth yr ydym yn falch ohono’.
Free Stuff
October 3 2005
Page 17
competitions@gairrhydd.com
grab! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! IT’S ALL FREE, SO COME AND GET SOME!
CEAD MILE failte! (One hundred thousand welcomes!) to GR’s competitions page, grab!, where I’ve gone all Irish on you. This week, like any other, I’ve got awesome prizes coming out of my ear holes, including Samsung mobile phones and an amazing trip to Ireland for two. I never disappoint, me, which is rather surprising seeing as it’s freshers fortnight and I’ve been clapped out drunk on a park bench most of the time. Only joking, but probably not far off... Don’t forget to email me with your entries kids, and I’ll see you next week - Meg x
SUPERSIZED SOUND
AREN’T WE lucky bunnies, as coming to our Student’s Union on October 8 is Wales’ biggest breakbeat night. It’s so big, it’s called Supersize Sumo, which quite frankly reminds me of one of those fat dudes in a nappy eating three big Macs. But that’s not what it’s all about guys - as any self-respecting breakbeat fan will know this event is all about explosive acts and a real funky night out. Hosted between the Great Hall and Seren Las, Supersize Sumo is all in aid of local breakbeat promoters Sumo’s second birthday. And man, do they celebrate in style. Not only is this night of mayhem headlined by the amazing Kosheen, cool duo Stanton Warriors are supporting, as well as the master of mixing, Krafty Kuts. And it doesn’t stop there. To top off these inspiring acts, resident DJ’s West One and Chico Fresco will also be playing in room two alongside the likes of Zero Zero with Dirty Meehan and Hugh and Doyley. Yikes! Could this night sound any better? So, in the words of Kosheen, if you’re “hungry-y-y, for a little more” live entertainment courtesy of our SU, you can purchase a ticket for the gig online at www.cardiffstu-
dents.com. Or, if you don’t want to pay for your priveleges, you can win the pair of guest list tickets to the event that I’m giving away. Just answer this question: True or false? Kosheen’s front woman, Sian Evans, is Welsh.
KOSHEEN: Proper loud.
AND THE WINNERS ARE...
WELL DONE to David Bishop, who’s off to the 2 Many DJs gig on Sunday with a mate, and Dan Bardell, who won the Spin Bowling competition. Congrats also to the Jobshop girls, who have £20 worth of Starbucks coffee coming their way soon. Yes, I know they’re not students, but hell, they sounded like they needed caffeine.
SHAMROCKIN’ STUFF JUST BECAUSE the summer is officially over, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still get away from it all. Short breaks away are a fun, quick and easy way to see a little bit more of the world, and they don’t always have to break the bank. Meet Irish backpacker tour company, The Shamrocker, part of the Radical Travel network that includes Haggis Adventures. Organising tours that depart from Dublin, (just a short, cheap flight from Cardiff courtesy of Ryanair) The Shamrocker makes backpacking cheap and easy and offers customers a structured visit that centres around all the sightseeing hotspots. But don’t worry, this isn’t just any old tour company that will take all your cash and offload you at the busiest tourist attraction only to pick you up an hour later. The Shamrocker lets you choose your own accommodation and food arrangements (hostels and B&B’s are pre-booked and available from £14 a night) and provides you with a local tour guide, who knows all about travelling on a budget. You’ll also get a chance to experience real Ireland, away from the tourist hordes, as tours will take you off the beaten track and into the heart of the country in a very reliable Mercedes midi-coach. Stop-offs on the Nothern Ireland tour include anything from the bustling city of Belfast to wartorn Derry, from quaint little villages to Trim Castle, where the film Braveheart was shot. There are a total of three available trips that you can take in the Green Isle, and each is as charming and intriguing as a wee little leprechaun. The adventures are planned especially for 17 to 35-year-olds, so there’s no chance you’ll be caught up with pensioners wanting tea and biscuits or kids crying “Are we there yet?” every five minutes as they’re designed with independent, like-minded travellers in mind. In order to introduce the tours to you guys,
my friends at The Shamrocker are offering one lucky person and a friend the chance to experience the Northern Rocker tour, absolutely free of charge. If you’re up for a good craic and would like to embark on this exciting adventure, have a crack at this question: What does ‘craic agus ceol’ mean? Hint: You can have wild nights full of it in Derry, Belfast and Dublin.
www.radicaltravel.com
DISCOVER THE REAL ‘JOY OF TEXT’ WITH THE FIRST few months of university are pretty hectic, and expensive, if we’re honest. It’s not only our mobile phonebooks that are expanding rapidly with every house party we attend, but our phone bills are soaring sky high too. All this newfound popularity doesn’t mean we have to be stingy though, guys. I for one detest tight people who won’t return a text message, or call and hang up just so I phone them back. My hard-earned cash is just as good as anyone’s, eh? So, if you like the sound of low call costs, unlimited free texts and a funky, small handset all in one package, you’re reading the right article. As of September 1, network giant Vodafone have launched ‘Joy of Text’, it’s most exciting student mobile phone tariff to date. Designed to offer the best in value and benefits for students, this package really does deliver on our desires. Customers are able to choose the exact package they want to suit their call needs and are offered the stylish Samsung Z500 absolutely free of charge. In continuing to understand the financial strains on us
poor students, Vodafone also provides every person that signs up to the service with unlimited free text messaging in addition to unlimited free picture messaging. So, not only can we keep in touch with friends and family for absolutely nada, we can also swap snaps of the ‘best days of our lives.’ The offer is available in Vodafone stores and registered distributors nationwide until November 30 2005, and all you need to sign up to the service is your NUS card. To celebrate the launch of ‘Joy of Text’, Vodafone have generously given me two Samsung Z500 handsets to give away to you lucky bunch. As you will appreciate, these are bloody good prizes, so winning a handset isn’t as simple as answering one of those pointless, foolproof questions that you get on Richard and Judy. Tell me in no more than 20 words why you deserve a Samsung Z500! Ok, still pointless, but all good fun.
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!
Health
October 3 2005
Page 19
health@gairrhydd.com
LETS TALK ABOUT SEX
Health investigate the subject which occupies the minds of many students at this time of year and finds there is a darker side to be aware of
health and at the very worst premature death. This is why you must go and get yourself checked out if you are in any doubt.
By Vanessa Roche Health Editor
O
ne of the main concerns on the collective student mind is sex. A lot of us are doing it, and if you’re not, then you’re probably thinking about doing it. This is especially true at the beginning of every academic year, with the heady excitement that comes from going out in Cardiff again and meeting more new people and in some cases, sharing more than just that coveted space at the bar. Unfortunately, in cases like these, discussing your sexual health with your new ‘friend’ is often a low priority, as your common sense may get lost in the heat of the moment. It can also be a bit of a passion killer, but think about the following statistics: In 2003, there were over 700,000 Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s) diagnosed at Genitourinary Medicine (GUM) clinics in the United Kingdom. This is not a true indication of the number of cases in the UK, of course, as too many cases go untreated and undiagnosed, which can be incredibly dangerous. Do you really want to risk your health for the sake of one
Do you want to risk your health and wellbeing for the sake of one drunken liasion?
I you dont use condoms with a partner, you are putting yourself at risk of catching an STI.
CRABS: Not the kind that you find at the beach
drunken ‘liaison’? The common symptoms of an STI are an unusual discharge or liquid from vagina or penis, pain or burning when you pass urine, and/or rashes, lumps or blisters around the genitals or anus; and, in women, pain and/or bleeding during sex, low abdominal pain, and bleeding after sex and/or between periods. If you have any of these symptoms, no matter how mild, you must get them checked out at a GUM clinic, or see your General Practitioner. Most
surgeries can offer simple tests for the most common STI’s, such as Chlamydia. The tests are free on the NHS and you can go to any GUM clinic you like but it is best to ring for an appointment as they can get very busy, especially now during this more promiscuous time of year. If you do not use condoms with a partner that you do not know to be ‘clean’, you may be at risk of catching an STI. Some STI’s are minor, such as thrush, which is an annoying one as it
tends to kick in just as you are starting to enjoy yourself (it is aggravated by sexual intercourse), but can be treated with antibiotics. Some, however, are very dangerous and cause you to become gravely ill. Hepatitis B. which is rare, can result in liver cancer or liver failure if undetected and untreated. Syphilis and Gonorrhea may remain undetected for years until their symptoms finally emerge, the result of which, can at the very least mean ill
You may be embarrassed at first, but you should not be, the people that will carry out the tests, and treat you if necessary, do it day in, day out, and they are there to help and not judge. You will usually get your test results back within a few days, so if you need treatment, usually in the form of antibiotics or antivirals, you will not have to wait long. It is also very important that you tell any partner that might be affected if you find that you have an STI, even if it is a mild one, as they will need treatment too. You must also restrain from having sex until your treatment has finished, which is usually only a few weeks. Remember, taking the pill and using other such methods of contraception will not protect you against STI’s. Only condoms provide this essential barrier, and even then, they can split, so it is best to get your partner checked out before you do the deed. If they really like you, they should be able to hold off for a few days whilst you wait for the results.
S.H.A.G - ING By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor
I
f you are concerned about your sexual health, want some advice or are running low on condoms, we’ve got one word for you: SHAG. The Sexual Health Awareness Group (SHAG) is situated on the third floor of the Union, in the Student Volunteering Office. SHAG is a volunteer group funded by the local Health Authority to provide advice, free contraception and information about all aspects of sexual health to students. Last year their offices were open most weekdays, as well as this they also carried out condom ‘drops’ for clubbers in Solus on the first Friday of every month. Even if you can’t make their office hours, there will always be a supply of free condoms outside the SHAG office and at MedClub for all students based at the Heath campus. In addition to this, if you are concerned about any aspect of your sex-
ual health or just want to restock on contraception then why not pop along to the University Health Centre on Park Place for their weekly Family Planning Clinic? It is held in term-time on a Wednesday evening from 5-7.
CONDOM: Not on, not in
Page 20
s g n i t Lis
Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com
The really rather astonishing Gair This week: Crazy Belgians, loveable bears Pick e of th k Wee
Twisted By Design
@Dempsey’s / The City Arms
Various Times 8.30-1/2 / £2.50/FREE Will Dean recommends
D
espite often being overshadowed by the more high-profile indie nights at the likes of Clwb Ifor Bach and the Barfly, Gary Anderson’s Twisted By Design has proved itself as the alternative connoisseur’s club night of choice. Held weekly in the less-than-salubrious surroundings of The City Arms on
Arctic Monkeys
Radio Soulwax
@ Coal Ex Sun 9 Oct 7.30pm / £9
@ S.U.
W
Tues 4 Oct 8pm / £14
F
ollowing their recent triumphant appearances at Reading/Leeds and festivals across Europe, Soulwax have announced their first UK tour in four years, with a series of dates through October. Expect the full might of their live machine to be wheeled out for your pleasure, the recent dates and festival slots were merely a taster for what is to come. Soulwax return with a new single 'E-Talking' taken from their acclaimed album 'Any Minute Now' on November 8th on PIAS Recordings. E-Talking has quickly become both an album and live standout and bombastic opening to proceedings thanks to its dynamic and pulsing refrain. Not just studio or booth boffins like you might think, despite a
COMING U P
predilection towards it, they are infact a highly acclaimed band in their own right, that have been known to tear the roof off venues in their day, touring their last studio album- the much lauded 'Much Against Everyone's Advice' took them across Europe on several vast sellout tours, interspersed with some key festival appearances across the continent. To quote the old adage "Rome wasn't built in a day," would be a vast and oh so ironic understatement on this matter; In any case the end product is all you need to worry about. Forged out of steely determination, perfectionism, and unvanquished enthusiasm 'Any Minute Now' is Soulwax's finest hour, their calling card to the world, and a remarkable feat of logistical planning and top quality European engineering.
October 3 2005
However now it’s time for them to venture out on tour again with their DJ act ‘Radio Soulwax’, bringing banging tunes, and some mashed up mixes to our very own students union. You may know them as Soulwax, the 2 Many DJs alter-ego of the bands Dewaele brothers, but one thing is consistent; their undoubted quality to take on just about any tune. Their mix compilation 'As heard on Radio Soulwax Part 2' sold over 300,000 copies. Expect their trademark meticulous sonic exploration plus some extra sensory abuse thrown in for good measure. This really is one of the best gigs that has been announced this year so if you consider yourself a music lover and have a fairly open taste, you really won’t be disappointed.
hat could the coming months hold in store for the Arctic Monkeys? Sell out gigs, with desperate fans queuing at the doors, packed to the rafters inside, and with fans being able to get their hands on gold dust more easily than they can a ticket? No. This is nothing new. So far this year the masses have been evasive to the lyrical and musical charms of the Arctic Monkeys, although to a special few, will no doubt be prepared for the musical beast that is about to be unleashed. The band hail from Sheffield, and consists of brothers Alex and Jamie Cook on vocals and guitars respectively, Andy Nicholson on
Mcfly - Tues 11 Oct @ Cardiff International Arena ... Reuben- Wed 12 Oct @ Coal Exchange ... Queens of Noise - Wed 12 Oct @ Barfly ... The Coral - Thur 13 Oct @ SU ... KT Tunstall- Tue 18 Oct @ SU ... James Blunt - Wed 19 Oct @ St. David’s Hall ... Four Tet - Thur 27 Oct @ The Point ... The Subways - Mon 31 Oct @Cardiff SU ... Martha Wainwright - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Motorhead - Thur 3 Nov @ SU ... Bloodhound Gang - Sat 5 Nov @ SU ... Harry Hill - Sun 6 Nov @ Millennium Centre ... Roots Unearthed: World Rhythms - Sun 6 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Alice Cooper / Twisted Sister - Mon 7 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena ... Bob Geldof: The Man, The Songs, The Stories - Fri 11 Nov @ St. David’s Hall ... Taste Of Chaos Tour: The Used, Rise Against, Funeral For A Friend - Sat 12 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena ... Franz Ferdinand - Mon 14 Nov @ Cardiff International Arena
City Road and every other week upstairs in Dempsey’s (opposite the castle), Twisted attracts fans from far and wide who flock to hear everything from Pavement to Franz Ferdinand to Talking Heads to the more obscure likes of Add N to (X), ballboy and Clinic. It’s not only the music policy (easily the best in Cardiff) that pleases the crowds. It’s probably about nineteen times friendlier than any other night, indie or otherwise. The nights at Dempsey’s, a favourite of our very own TV Desk, often sellout, so to get in make sure you arrive as early as possible. Twisted By Design runs every Thursday at The City Arms (8.302) and on the following dates at Dempsey’s: Oct 1/15/29, Nov 12/26 and Dec 10.
t Gues Pick
bass and Matt Helders banging on the drums. It’s not just their catchy, bouncy musical talent (as anyone who has heard the likes of Mardy Bum, A Certain Romance etc will understand) that makes them instantly likeable and set for superstardom, but their witty, true to life lyrics. Singer Alex claims that a man who had a major influence on their lyrics was Mancunian poet John Cooper Clarke, who Alex is a huge recent fan of. Despite songs such as ‘Ritz to the Rubble’, the Arctic Monkeys seem to be a band who are very much going in the opposite direction, but how did this underground success all start off? Quite simply a lot of talent, gigging, and some free CDs, not to mention a bit of people power, with riots being a common occurrence when CDs were distributed at the end of gigs. Eventually the record companies just had to sit up and take notice. So with a band being this popular before they’ve even released a debut single and live shows as chaotic and frenzied as theirs, you just know that something special is about to happen, and you want to be a part of it. Trust me.
October 3 2005
Day By Day
Page 21
listings@gairrhydd.com
Rhydd listings with Schmit and Curitz men with coats, and erm.... Joe Pasquale
Monday03/10
Tuesday04/10
Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise. On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge. New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform. Live @ Barfly White Rose Movement/ Protocol / Vinyl Stickons. White Rose Movement are a panacea for the umpteenth wave of angular guitar bands. Their debut album, fuses electronics and guitars with consummate skill. 7.30pm. £5
Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Robot Rock @ Barfly The Barfly provides an alternative clubbing experience, and with them giving you the opportunity to sample it’s nightlife for free for a night, it’s an opportunity that you should definately take. 10.30pm. £3 Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50. Open Mic @The Toucan There’s a mic. It’s open.
Pick Of The Day Joe Pasquale @ St. David’s Hall Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, once again Joe Pasquale is back on the road, but this time he's bigger, better more improved than ever before, with a brand new show, he's now King of the Jungle. 7.30pm. £12.50 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Richmond Fontaine / Amazing Pilots / Ian Moore. The band head to the UK, for a short eight date tour, Clwb being the only Welsh date. 8pm. £8.
Live@Barfly Malcolm Middleton / Absentee / Rose Kemp. Malcolm Middleton (of Scottish miserablists Arab Strap) is one of Britain’s great unsung singer/songwriters. 10.30pm. £4 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Joseph Arthur. His style has progressed with each of his seven albums, drawing comparisons to Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley. 'Our Shadows Will Remain' his latest offering has had heavy rotation on MTV2, 6 Music and XFM. This will be Joseph's only Welsh date on the tour so make sure you get your ticket early to guarantee entry. 8pm. £8.
Friday07/10
Saturday08/10
Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free. Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. Only they have dancers behind screens. I ask: why are they hidden behind screens? 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50. Mad4It! @Barfly Every friday night at Barfly join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors and much much more, plus loads of ticket giveaways and low flying tShirts & CD's. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone, cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Blues Dragon Club @ Cafe Jazz Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Supergrass. The hairy hipsters will no doubt be lashing out some of their latest offerings from their new album, with a few classics thrown in for the masses. A little bit pricier than the average union gig but oh how it’s worth it. One of the highlights of the union calendar this year. 7pm. £16.50 9.30pm £3 Live @ Barfly Bromheads Jacket/ Envy and Other Sins/ The Article. 7.30pm. £5. Beneath The Surface @ Cwb Ifor Bach Kill Kenada / Flailing Wail / Nectar International 8pm. £5.
Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Radio Soulwax. The Belgian duo hit the road with their DJ tour. You really don’t want to miss this. See the facing page for futrther details. 8pm. £14.
Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @Barfly Welcome to the Indie party fest that is Flyswatter. Every Saturday the safe haven of the Barfly brings you a club night your dancing shoes have been crying out for. All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm. Mind Your Head @Toucan Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after. Live @ Barfly Leave The Capital / Prisoners Of The Sun / 3 Miles From. 7.30pm. £5. Pick Of The Day Live @ Muni Arts Centre (Pontypridd) The Automatic. A local band just signed to BUnique, and are destined to be huge very soon. If you can get here it’ll be well worth it. If no then you can catch them at the Union supporting the Ordinary Boys. 7.30pm Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a saturday. 9pm - 2am. The Sooty Show @ St. David’s Hall The loveable bear and chums could provide you with great laughs and school boy thrills...if you also happen to be five. Im sure htough this will also be a cult favourite with students. so why not head down and re-live your childhood. RIP Matthem Corbett. 1.30pm. £8
Wednesday05/10
Rubber Duck @Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say anymore? 10pm. £3. Indie Kids Die In Hot Bars @The Barfly Featuring the latest and greatest new music, live acts and guest DJ’s. The team behind Fly Swatter bring you Indie Kids Die in Hot Bars. Every Wednesday from 10.30pm until 2am the Barfly will be offering the best new music the world has to offer. 10.30pm. £4 Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am. Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. That’s all we got. Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night. 8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach Launch party in aid of Franz Ferdinand and their second album. The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music- rawkus 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Live @ Barfly Infadels/ Deaf Stereo/ Civita. 7.30pm. £5. Pick Of The Day Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat @ New Theatre Bill Kenwright’s production of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber's sparkling musical. If you have a coat then why not bring it along. It probably won’t be as colourful as Joseph’s, but it’ll help if it rains.7.30pm. £8 Student Night @ Qube 20% of shoes and free stuff
Sunday09/10
Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions. MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs bring you house. 8pm12.30am. No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am. Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Teen Spirit @ Barfly A group of happy (they do exist) teenagers are caged like chickens, and have their spirits crushed. 7pm Live @Barfly Harrisons/ Winterville / Walker. 7.30pm. £5. Live @ Coal Exchange Arctic Monkeys. See facing page for details. Live @ SU The Magic Numbers. Hot on the heels of their Mercury prize nomination the Magic Numbers return, and to a bigger venue. A sign of their quality and what is destined for them. This band will bring together people of all musical tastes. 7pm. £10 Pick Of The Day Hip Hound Lounge @ Solus Dave Stapleton Quintet. Stapleton has developed a profound authority and distinct identity in his work. Incorporating unusual time signatures and irresistible grooves he maintains a widescreen vision that allows space for some exciting improvisation. Dave Stapleton has always been interested in the relationship between jazz and free improvisation, and his linear explorations have now grown to give this Cardiff based Quintet a unique and compelling sound in British jazz. 8pm. £3.
Thursday06/10 Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3. Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am. Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night. And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm. Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets. 8pm-1am. £3/£2. Live@Barfly Hidden in Plain View/ Brigade/ The Blackout Hidden in Plain View’s philosophy is to “keep it as real as possible”. It may raise a few eyebrows at first, but fortunately the quintet hail from New Jersey rather than the Staines massive. HiPV are exponents of glorious pop punk – the dark themes encompassed in their lyrics rage into their live performance through moody and thunderous rhythms, in what is ultimately catchy and sparklingly accomplished material. 7.30pm. £7 Pick Of The Day Acwst-O-Rama @ @The Barfly Gwilym Morus / Brigyn / Gareth Phillips. If Gwilym Morus seams familiar you've probably seen him before, singing in Welsh afro-beat sensations Drymbago. His solo stuff is very different, just him and an acoustic guitar, he's been described as a Welsh language Nick Drake. Gwilym's debut album 'Traffig' out now on the Rasal label has sold very well with fans now flocking to the shows to hear the live versions.9pm £3 Silent Running @ SU Presents Marky, Stamina and Zinc featuring Jenna G. Expect pumping beats and tunes galore with Silent Running returning to the union. 9pm Solus. £10 adv.
VENUES
Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com
Problem Page
Page 22
October 3 2005
problempage@gairrhydd.com
Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE
This week: feet, fear, falafel and foetuses Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! I’ve had such fun this week. Enrolment is a blast when you can guarantee that the person in front of you and the person behind you has had a helping of Amber! Especially when just thinking about what you got up to makes you so hot under the collar that when you go to pick up your new NUS card, your picture ends up with you having a red face, pointy nipples and swollen lips like lilos. Or is that just me? Anyway, I’ve really enjoyed going through your problems this week, but remember, if you need advice, I’m just an email away. Lots of love, Amber, here for YOU. Xxx
I Doze Best! Dear Amber, I’VE JUST MOVED INTO my new house on Bedford Street, and the new surroundings seem to be causing somnambulist chaos. In my old house, the
front door, luckily, was fitted with a lock which I couldn’t open when asleep. Now, however, (and it gives me pane to say so), I am able to get onto the main street through my bedroom window. Don’t ask how. My sleepwalking used to be a constant source of amusement to my housemates, but on Thursday, at approximately 3am, I walked into the Adonis takeaway, flopped my schlong onto the counter and said ‘Shish this’! Luckily, the Kebab Man at the counter did not comply, so my John Thomas
Water Mess! Dear Amber, I HAVEN’T WET the bed since I was at least fourteen, but since becoming a student at Cardiff, I have found that unconscious urinating is starting to be a real problem. I have developed a bizarre fear of the vermin foul which insist on ruling the city centre – PIGEONS. It’s bad enough watching evil-eyed seagulls pecking their way through last week’s order of Whopper (no gherkins) outside ‘The King’, but when I see the crusty, one-legged pigeons of Cardiff/Hell, I cannot control my fear and a bit of wee comes out. It wouldn’t be so much of a problem except I found out the hard way that Tena Lady just won’t sit comfortably in boxers. I’m sick of blaming my wet crotch on spilling my Pepsi Max. Unless I buy a battery-powered, portable hairdryer, I don’t see how I can control my problem. What can I do, Amber? Please help! Yours, Walter Werks, Roath.
AMBER SAYS: Dear Walter, I am so glad you got in touch. I know how you must feel - it’s not nice to be unable to control your bodily functions. I used to be seeing this girl who would always fart just when I went down on her. Believe me, it nearly quite literally blew my head off and it really did my head in. Anyway, I digress. My point is that pissing is something that by itself, is very pleasurable, but when it isn’t done on someone else and/or down the shower, it is a bit of a pain, not least because dried wee really chafes your legs. So I recommend that when you see a pigeon, you think about weeing all over Margaret Thatcher and that should turn you on so much that at least you get some enjoyment out of your misfortune. I hope that this advice helps you. Lots of love, Amber xxx
was safe, though my blushes weren’t. I am doubly annoyed about the events because my housemate followed me and took pictures. I can’t take this lying down. Please help me, Amber. Yours, Les Chamber, Roath. AMBER SAYS: Dear Les, Well, I’ve got to say if the most exciting thing you do when asleep is walk
Baby Blues Dear Amber, MY PROBLEM makes me cry like a baby at night. It all started when I began seeing a lovely boy I knew from my course. He’s called Archie. I think Archie must have some unresolved issues. I wouldn’t care but they affect me too. He likes to pretend that he is an infant - well, in fact, he likes to pretend that he is a baby. When we are at home he dresses up in hand-made diapers and a little pink bonnet, he sucks a dummy all the time, he won’t eat with me unless I
Stunning F eet Dear Amber, I’M GOING OUT ON a limb here, because although I’m embarrassed about my problem, I really need some advice. Y’see, I come from a small family in Mold, near Wrexham, and we all share a similar problem. Both me and my dad, Glyn, have a similar chiropodic problem. Both me and Dad have feet so pungent my Mum makes us wear verruca socks around the house. I always thought that she was overreacting, but when I flew the nest and landed at Senghenydd Court, it was pointed out that feet that stained the carpet yellow were not normal. I wouldn’t have been that bothered,
about your local takeaway, then you are a sad loser. That said, there are things you can do to make your problem a soucre of enjoyment rather than shishrelated pain. For example, I often find that you can experiment with much more gusto when you’re asleep - mostly because you not scared of what you’re about to do. F’instance, leaving a rather large dildo on your bedside table is very likely to pique your interest when
you put your hand out in your sleep. Hopefully that will be enough to occupy you whilst alseep, rather than roaming round Roath hoping that someone will take pity on you and perform some naughty act. And I’m not suggesting that you’re the sort of person who’d enjoy a didlo solo normally, but i’m just saying you may as well get rid of your inner prude when you’re asleep. Hope this helps.
mash up his food and feed it to him, then he makes me burp him after. Sometimes he makes me smear milk all over my nipples and sucks till they’re purple. He only drinks from a bottle with a teat, and whenever I dare to have sex with him he gurgles like a baby and cries out ‘mummy’ at his pinnacle of passion. Needless to say, it makes me not really want to have sex with him. I know that sounds infantile. This is really making me cross. I hate babies. What can I do? Yours, Dem E Orr, Talybont North.
chance of sexual experimentation. I mean, you’re only young once! I had a boyfriend who used to enjoy watching me wearing a nappy and soiling myself. To be honest, I found it very liberating, so I think you should try and see things more from his perspective. In fact, I think you’re being very selfish. Mind you, I find a lot of young girls nowadays don’t know how to please their man. Why do you think Abygale’s has become so poular again? I really think that you should make a peace offering to Archie just to show that you really enjoy his fetish. How about a nice blue bib? I hear there’s a sale at Mothercare. Get your skates on! Anyway, I hope this helps. Love from Amber xxx
AMBER SAYS: Dear Dem, I am sorry that you’re not enjoyoing what might be your only but my housemate, who I share a bathroom with, had a massive go at me for leaving mouldy flakes of foot skin around the grouting. Please Amber, help me. Can you heel this affliction? Yours, Ive No Soul. AMBER SAYS: Dear Ive, I am so glad you got in touch. I thought that, in these days of deodorant and Scholl footcare, there’d be less of you types around. But no, I am glad to see that the community of filthy foot fetishists have nothing to fear. Yes, you see, there are people about who’d want you to make the
Lots of love, Amber xxx
most of your affliction, not to hide it in a rubber sock (verruca socks, fool). Filthy feet, like men with knob cheese or flaps full of smegma, are what make us human, and give us our ‘natural’ smells that cannot help but arouse other people. Because of this, I think you should start looking for a new set of housemates, pronto. There are people who should be enjoying your feet, not insulting them. Just don’t bother me about it. I hate fucking feet, especially filthy ones. It’s a long story, but it involved spiky toenails. I really hope that this helps. Lots of love, Amber xxx
Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com
Award-Winning Television
October 3 2005
Page 23
ranking@rogering.com
Picking out the Bubbles amongst the TV Farts October 3 - 9 2005
Rankee Doodle Randy
five to Clean Up After Splashing Out On Naked Bodies
HOT
FIVE Literally, the best channel at the moment, serving up epic portions “oh I remember THAT” chart run-downs, and washed down with statistictastic nonsense man-shows like Amazing Bombers, and Megastructures, it’s a veritable feast of beatiful crap.
Eastenders The biggest news from Albert Square this week is sure that Phil “Quadrophenia, Parklife and knob all else” Daniels is going to join the show as Pat Butcher’s long lost nephew Kevin. Kevin is apparently a loving family man who sounds about as much fun as a game of twister with Minty. Sharon and Dennis return from their honeymoon this week. You have to wonder how much rumpypumpy they got up to with the ghostly vision of their father’s rotting corpse being carted out of the Vic popping into all their fantasies, but you know, whatever. Pauline has a new man this week called Joe, which is enough to make a dog puke, and speaking of dog puke, Peggy Mitchell continues her tornado of tawdriness by fighting with Chrissie. Twats.
Salutations! It’s a very hot and steamy TV desk this week, as we lather up ready for the the next edition of the latest and greatest addition to five’s barrel-scraping late night line-up - Hot Tub Ranking (five, Friday 11.30pm). Anyone who remembers short-lived but completley brilliant ITV1 show Man O Man with Chris Tarrant, in which ten (and I hesitate to use the word here) “men” line up, try to impress ladies with impossibly bad stand-up routines and ventriloquism acts, and then get pushed into a swimming pool by women who all look like Pete Burns from Dead or Alive, you really should be watching this. Basically the premise of Hot Tub Ranking is that of Man O Man: men are lined up infront of a room of sexually charged brain-defunct females who rate the said homosapiens on the quality of their soapy sausages and how much Johnson’s Baby Oil and Winton’s slap-on orange tan they’ve glued to their bodies. Genius. Timed perfectly to coincide with when it’s target audience are vomiting minty meaty kebab sludge into their rubbish bins having had one too many Addlestons Ciders after work, this delicious slice of upper-crust cack is just the shot of testosterone that doctor drivel prescribed. Elsewhere on five, there’s Hidden Lives: It’s Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy (Monday, 9pm) about a 17 year old Mexican boy, rather hilariously called Jesus, who suffers from excessive hair growth and the illtreat-
Fudge Tunnel 2
NOT
ALL THE FUCKING FIRST YEAR STUDENT PRICKS I WAS QUEUEING NEXT TO TO GET INTO POPSCENE AT CLWB IFOR BACH LAST NIGHT WHO SANG FUTUREHEADS SONGS AND WOULDN’T GET OUT OF THE WAY OF PASSING CARS. You know who you are, and you are all fuckers.
SPORT ment society has provided as a result of his condition. So five sympathise by calling him a “wolf boy”. The documentary follows Jesus Aceves as he tries to get a job, and ponders the dilemma of whether he should cut his hair or not. No offence mate, but unless you’re going for an acting role that requires a character who looks like darts “legend” Andy “The Viking” Fordham dressing up as the Beast from Beauty of the Beast and then covering himself in PVA glue and rolling around the floor of Toni and Guy,
you’ve got no chance. There’s also the promising Love Soup (BBC1 Tuesday, 9pm), which I haven’t yet seen so forgive me if it’s a load of sentimental tosh, but it sounds it could be a cross between Cold Feet, Sleepless in Seattle, and Magnolia. Actually that’s just made it sound absolutely terrible, ignore me. I feel sick. Anyway, it stars the lovely Tamsin Greig from Black Books and somebody called Monserrat Lombard, who sounds like an insurance firm, so it might not be completely awful. It’s also written by the guy who wrote One Foot in the Grave. I don’t believe it etc etc etc. Happy Viewing! Love TV John xxxxx
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Road To Hell More Like Spin off! Until the recent addition of Green Green Grass to BBC1’s cursed “Friday Night Comedy” slot, the ubiquitous Max and Paddy’s Road To Nowhere, released this week, was holding the accolade of the worst sitcom spin-off of recent times. Focusing squarely on the two least amusing characters (conveniently with the least scope, too) of Phoenix Nights, Max and Paddy took in dead pigs, hilarious scrapes in prison and all manner of tired old sitcom, and despite only running for one series, flogged so many deceased nags several norhern stud farms had to work overtime to keep the horse population up. Apparently future projects for Peter Kay include a remake of vintage game show Bullseye, which I suspect will be an absolute pile of steaming crocodile shit. But back to the subject of spin-off’s, TV has served us up some classics, most notably Frasier, and that guy with the hat from Desmonds, but sadly for Max and Paddy, you’d much prefer a fuck-off than a spin-off.
England are playing Austria this weekend, catch the action on BBC1 on Saturday at 3.30.pm Hopefully England beat those Hitler-breeding Alpen-guzzling lederhosen clothes horse horntooting Alpine tossers. Not than I’m xenophobic or anything, I just don’t like those chocolate skiing guys what live over there like.
FILMS Of Mice and Men (Tuesday, ITV1: midnight) A film that you probably watched at school whilst studying the book. Well, I did anyway, and it made me cry. It’s got John Malkovich in it. Now you can say that you’ve actually seen one of his films. If you’re bored, here’s a task for you: Name five films featuring John Malkovich. And five with Sam Neill in them. (Answers on a postcard)
RADIO Hey, see what I did there, I made the films box bigger to fit in TV Grace’s review of Of Mice and Men, and made the radio box smaller so I don’t have to write anywhere near as much about radio shows I never listen to. There’s a documentary narrated by Val Kilmer about Marlon Brando on Radio 2 on Tuesday, called inventively, The Marlon Brando Story (8.30pm), which may be good, but not as good as my story about Marlon Brando, which that I once told TV Manners (remember him?) that I met the Godfather himself in the toilets in Daiquiri’s on Salisbury Road. And he believed me. At the same time, Mike Davies has The Dropkick Murphys in session on The Lock Up (Radio 1, Tues 9pm) who wish they were Irish.
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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 He's Having a Baby 20.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Spendaholics 01.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 02.25 Nighty Night 02.55 Honey We're Killing the Kids 03.55 Close Hey there, TV Gareth here. Here to assert myself infront of a new gair rhydd readership who don’t know that I’m the new boy. I had a super summer thank you very much. And rather than bore you with details about TV programs (if you want that, i recommend the Sun newspaper’s weekly guide, for the best Soaps news bar NONE!) I shall here in provide you with trivia and general references towards my summer break that you neither know nor care about, but will make my girlfriend laugh a little when she reads them. Cool.
19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 The Sky at Night 21.00 Our Hidden Lives 22.15 FILM: I Know Where I'm Going 23.45 Ex-S 00.15 The Sky at Night 00.45 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.45 Channel Terror 02.45 The Sky at Night 03.15 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 04.15 Close I went to Glastonbury (it was average) and Reading (‘twas Marilyn Mansontastic) and subsequently learnt that music listened to in a fort made out of a duvet and a sofa bed is better than live music. I didn’t so much as jump on the su doku bandwagon as collide head-on with it and have since had possible sudoku combinations implanted in my head. And I’ve been being a vegetarian, and making up dance routines to the Pussycat Dolls and somehow managing to both defend a fair maiden from sharks, whilst retaining the title of shark boy. And i went trampolining and duck feeding and sandcastle making and played nomination whist - had the best time ever. I hope your summer was shit.
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Celebrity Entourage: The Locker Room 9.00 Hell's Kitchen USA 10.00 Office Monkey 10.30 Coronation Street 11.00 Coronation Street 11.30 Celebrity Surgery - Who's Had What Done? 00.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 00.30 Spin City 1.00 The Ricki Lake Show 1.40 World Rally Championship 2.30 Champions League Weekly 2.55 Teleshopping 4.55 ITV2 Nightscreen So then, music, isn’t it great? No actually, most of it’s shit, BUT on the upside, my summer has been soundtracked by The Decemberists, Architecture in Helsinki, Okkervil River and some other stuff, which i don’t want to tell you about.
Funky Valley five 9.15am
6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Rachel Stevens 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes No thanks, I’ll have an orange juice. 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Hijacked By... 1:00pm Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights Fun Fact: TV Gareth LOVES fizzy drinks. Pepsi max is the wank stain on the proverbial underpants of soft drink. For a proper good fizzy drink may i please suggest ginger beer or iron bru 2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Without A Trace: Gung Ho 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm The 51st State 12:20am Goal: T4 Movie Special 12:50am Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:55am Teachers 2:55am The Next Joe Millionaire 3:35am Without A Trace 4:20am Switched 4:40am Switched 5:00am The Next Joe Millionaire
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6:05am Making It 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00amB4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me Which is quite crucially NOT Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55amFrasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder 9:30am How Sport Shook Up The World 9:55am Re-Writing History 10:00am Howard Goodall’s Twentieth Century Greats 10:50am Tate Modern 10:55am Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20am Quit 11:25am Rude Brittania 11:55am Re-Writing History 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Back In The Day 12:55pm House Auction 13:25pm Avalanche Express 15:00pm A Place By The Sea 16:00pm Come Dine With Me 16:30pm A Place In Slovakia 17:00pm Richard & Judy 18:00pm The Simpsons 18:30pm Hollyoaks 19:00pm Channel 4 News 19:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 20:00pm Monarchy By David Starkey 21:00pm Wife Swap 22:00pm Without A Trace 23:00pm Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm 00:15am Sticks And Stones 1:20am The Sex Inspectors 2:05am King Of The Hill 2:30am The Nightmares Next Door 3:30am Time To Get Your House In Order! 4:00am Famous People 2: Helen Keller 4:15am All Change 4:35am Victorian Scots 4:50am Handmade 2 4:55am Animated Tales Of The World 1: King March 5:10am Rosen's Poetry Attic 5:20am Animated Tales Of The World 1 5:35am Extra 3 6:00am Close
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6:00: Close 7:00 CBBC: Arthur 7:25 Serious Jungle 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Boogie Beebies 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Look and Read 10:50 Look and Read 11:10 Postcards from Kenya 11:20 Primary Geography 11:30 Meet the Ancestors 12:00: Conference 2005 1:00 The Maths Channel 1:10 The Maths Channel 1:20 The Maths Channel 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Wildlife on Two 2:30 Conference 2005 4:00 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Battle for Britain's Soul 8:00 Map Man 8:30 University Challenge 9:00 How Euro Are You? 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Reputations 00:20: Joins BBC News 24. 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages: Talk German 1-6 2:30 Germany Inside Out 5:00 Work Talk Okay then. I worked this Summer. For Friends Of The Earth as a roadside recycling collector (NOT bin man!) It had it’s perks. Like being able to rifle through old newspapers and rip out the su doku puzzles, and like when the lorry pulled away at speed the noise made by the glass on board would sound a bit like the intro to ‘Love Cats’ by The Cure, and like when people were silly enough to throw out old bank statements and i would steal them and then launder money from their bank accounts, just like Alastair Macgowan warned them I would.
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6:00: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Booze Is replacing Beat The Burgler which has recently been the cornerstone of my morning routine, but has also caused me to realise that my new house is a ‘burgler’s paradise’, so i say “come burgle me Mike, so long as you take the rats and dead seagull with you.”10:00 City Hospital 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Car Booty 12:15: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News 3:25 ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz 4:05 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Characters i wish dead: Summer, Max, Steph, Boyd, Janae, Dylan, Stingray, Stuart, Cindy, Skye, Serena...basically everyone except Toadie, Conor, Susan, Darcy, Paul and Lou 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Holidays at Home 7:30 Inside Out 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 War at the Door 9:00 Waking the Dead 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Jack Dee Live at the Apollo 11:20 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 11:50 Europe's Lost Civilisation 00:20: FILM: His Bodyguard 1:50 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 2:40 Sign Zone: Rogue Traders Possibly my favourite TV program at the moment, combining violence, swearing, condescension and homoerotic leather-clad, motor biking foreigners 3:10 Sign Zone: Secrets of the Sexes
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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm
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19.00 Flying Visits 19.10 Great Railway Journeys 20.00 The World 20.30 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 21.00 Play It Again 21.30 What's My Line? 22.00 Animal, Vegetable, Mineral 22.30 Our Hidden Lives Adaptation of Simon Garfield's best-selling novel. On May 8, 1945, the day peace is declared in Europe, four ordinary people are confronting the uncertainties that lie ahead. 23.45 Play It Again 24.15 What's My Line? With Kate Moss. Haha. 24.45 Thoroughly Modern Antiques Veronika Hyks presents a series exploring how today's most sought after home designs emerged from the austerity of World War Two. 01.15 The Jitterbug Years Documentary recalling the social revolution which swept across Britain from 1946. A new dance craze, the Jitterbug, captured the mood of the country as years of war and austerity were cast off. 01.55 Play It Again 02.25 Our Hidden Lives
6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. Sally and her audience discuss more controversial topics. 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. 1.30 Airline USA. Greatest Hits LA 2.00 Coronation Street. 2.30 Emmerdale. The repercussions of the fatal crash are devastating. Jimmy is furious with Max for trying to exonerate Paddy. Ethan's plotting fails to split up Laurel and Ashley. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun.7.30 Spin City. 8.00 Nights from Hell. From sleepwalking to night terrors, a glimpse into the bizarre and sometimes terrifying world of sleep disorders. Narrated by Andrew Sachs. 9.00 Jack Osbourne Adrenaline Junkie. 10.00 FILM: Die Another Day. (2002) 0.40 The Frank Skinner Show. 1.40 3rd Rock from the Sun. 2.00 Spin City. 2.25 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.05 Teleshopping. 5.05 ITV2 Nightscreen.
6:00 Cubeez: Emotions 6:10The Hoobs: Hello Hello indeed. My first night back at gair rhydd towers has been relatively uneventful. 6:35 The Hoobs: Laughing 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Just Shoot Me 8:25 Will & Grace 8:55 Frasier 9:25 3 Minute Wonder 9:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 9:55 Re-Writing History: What If Britain Had Lost The Falklands War? 10:00 Howard Goodall's Twentieth Century Greats: Lennon & Mccartney 10:50 Tate Modern: The Effects Of War 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Body Parts 11:20 Quit: Family Habit 11:25 Rude Britannia: Maria 11:55 ReWriting History: What If Guy Fawkes Had Blown Up Parliament? What if the moon was made of cheese?l12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Back In The Day 1:00 3 Minute Wonder 1:05 The Thomas Crown Affair 3:00 A Place By The Sea 4:00 Come Dine With Me 4:30 A Place In Slovakia 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 The Unteachables 10:00 The Closer: About Face 10:55 Sexology: Obscene Machines Featuring our very own Menon. 12:00 Sex, Lies, And Videotape 2:00 King Of The Hill: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre 2:20 The Nightmares Next Door 3:20 Time To Get Your House In Order! I’ve moved into a brandspanking new house this year. Unfortunately my bedroom is lilac, and I’m not allowed to paint it. Grrr. Tune playing at GR at the moment:Whitney Houston ”I Wanna Dance with Somebody”
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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 He's Having a Baby 20.00 EastEnders Revealed Shocking revelations that future storylines will be uplifting. Expect lots of kittens and sparkly things. 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days The UK's top comedians take a fast-paced satirical look back at the week's news using music, video and graphics. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Twisted Tales 24.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.00 My Life in Film (Butch and Sundance) Kris Marshall, Andrew Scott, Alice Lowe. Sitcom about an aspiring low-budget filmmaker whose over-active imagination transforms everyday life into classic cinematic adventures. 01.30 Nighty Night 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps
7:00 Trollz. 7:25 Serious Jungle. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 Best of Friends. 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown. 9:00 Muffin the Mule. 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Boogie Beebies. Space Walking. Children's music programme. A chance to viewers to dance. This week's boogie is out of this world, so join Nat and Pete for a spot of space walking. And they say kid’s TV was crazy in the 60’s... 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids. 10:20 Trade Secrets. 10:30 Around Scotland. 10:50 Primary Geography: Rivers of the World. The Nile. 11:10 The Flying Gardener. 11:30 Conference 2005. Coverage of the Conservative Party's annual conference. 1:00: Pod's Mission. 1:15 Pod's Mission. 1:30 Working Lunch. 2:00 Wildlife on Two. 2:30 Conference 2005.4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 People's War. 7:30 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife. 8:00 Mastermind. I used to like John Humphrys until I watched Art School. Now I think he’s a twat. I’m boycotting Mastermind. 8:30 What the Ancients Did for Us. 9:00 Bingers: Battling Bulimia. 10:00 World Weddings: The Bridegrooms. My Thai mailorder husband is due to arrive next week. Yey! He comes with his own mop and broom. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Tales from Europe: Czech Republic. 11:50 Family Ties: A Journey Around My Grandmother. Hmmm... Why is this on so late? I hope it’s not porn. 12:20am: Joins BBC News
Love Child ITV1 11pm
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Natasha Bedingfield 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want Bedtime 11:00 Whatever... You Want Bedtime12:00 Nothing But Britney1:00 Hijacked By Westlife 2:00 The O.C.: The Mallpisode 3:00 Without A Trace: Doppleganger 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Nap Partners Napping? I remember that...5:30 Friends 6:00 The O.C 7:00Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Without A Trace: Malone V. Malone 10:00 Six Feet Under- what will happen if I don’t sleep.11:10 Porn: A Family Business: Cocktoberfest 11:50 The Sex Inspectors 12:35 8 Out Of 10 Cats 1:10 Without A Trace: My sanity, dignity and general physical health.Today has been a hard day. 2:00 Six Feet Under: Singing For Our Lives 3:10 Porn: A Family Business: Cocktoberfest 3:35 The Sex Inspectors 4:20 Without A Trace: Doppleganger 5:00 Switched 5:20 Switched
06.00 A House That's Just Like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-507.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.55 Barney 09.15 Funky Valley 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away Hayley's life is changed forever when she learns that she is pregnant. But who is the father Scott or Kim? 13.00 BrainTeaser I spent far too long ringing the competition line this summer. I know, with absolute certainty, that you get selected to leave your details 33.3% of the time. Yes, I know I’m sad. 14.00 House Doctor 14.30 Law and Order 15.30 Film: "Chasing Secrets" I have been incredibly lazy this evening, therefore TV’s Gareth and John have had to do twice as much work. I don’t feel guilty though. Gareth claims to have become a vegetarian, yet I spied him scoffing pepperoni earlier. What a little hypocrite. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Rehearsals This TV page is just a draft, honest. The real one is much better. 20.00 Killer Shark Live Donal McIntyre infiltrates the murky depths of the shark world. There’s something fishy going on. 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 CSI:NY 23.00 Law and Order 23.55 The Dead Zone 24.40 Golazo Football Show 01.30 USPGA Golf 02.20 European Seniors Masters
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6:00: Breakfast. 9:15 Britain's Streets of Booze. No doubt featuring St. Mary’s street on a Saturday night. 10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Car Booty. 12:15 Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Diagnosis Murder: The Killer Within. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; 3:25 ChuckleVision. 3:40 Trollz. TV desk is back with a vengeance, ready to face another year of rubbish television and free pizza. Have you missed us? 4:05 Mona the Vampire. 4:30 The Crust. The only thing thats left from the eight pizzas we ate earlier. None of us have curly hair. 5:00 Byker Grove. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News and Weather. 6:30 Regional News Programmes. 7:00 Watchdog. 7:30 EastEnders. Chrissie faces losing Jake and Alfie is nervous on the day of Nana's hospital tests. A barrel of laughs, as always. 8:00 Holby City. 9:00 Love Soup. Thicker than minestrone, and with more lumpy bits. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 10:35 Drama Connections. I, Claudius. 11:05 Medium. The Other Side of the Tracks. 11:50 FILM: Dead Heat. (2002) Starring Keither Sutherland, one of my favourite actors. Watch Freeway and Dark City too. Oh, and The Lost Boys. And 24.1:25: Sign Zone: See Hear. 2:10 Sign Zone: Bring Your Husband to Heel. 2:40 Sign Zone: No Waste Like Home. 3:10 Sign Zone: Ray Mears' Bushcraft. 4:10 Joins BBC News 24.
Morning Glory E4 6am
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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm
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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 He's Having a Baby Real life soap opera following first time fathers as they begin life's greatest adventure. As the dads reflect on the life changing events of the last eight weeks, we revisit their highs and lows and hear their reflections of the first weeks of fatherhood. 20.00 Stars in Fast Cars 20.30 Little Angels Four year old Daniel is an eating machine. While his family sleeps he steals food from the fridge and empties the biscuit barrel. Child psychologist Laverne Antrobus is here to help 21.00 The Apprentice Reality TV series set in New York in which 18 candidates compete for the position of apprentice to real estate mogul Donald Trump. With rain and logo problems, Kelly still has some areas to fix before he can pull off the charity polo match. 23.00 Film: Revelation 00.50 Spendaholics 01.50 Gypsy Wars 02.45 Wedding Stories 03.45 Close
19.00 Birdland: April in Paris 19.05 People's Century 20.00 The World 20.30 Birdland: A Night in Tunisia 20.35 Film: Trouble in Store Norman Wisdom, Jerry Desmonde, Margaret Rutherford, Lana Morris, Moira Lister, Megs Jenkins. Classic British comedy about a department-store stock clerk's ambition to become a window dresser. Unfortunately the hapless chap's bumbling ways look set to prevent him from realising his dream. But the chance to protect the store from a group of gangsters may be just the opportunity he needs to prove his worth. Dir: John Paddy Carstairs 22.00 Little Kinsey Documentary recalling Britain's first sex survey. Inspired by Dr. Kinsey's sex report in the United States, it was undertaken in 1949 by Mass Observation. The results were so shocking that it was never published. 23.00 Talking Bob Dylan Blues: A Tribute Concert 01.00 Dylan's Legends 02.00 ... Sings Dylan 02.40 Dylan in the Madhouse 3.45 Madeline Albright Talks
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy Triple bill of the show in which New York City's outspoken family court judge, Judy Sheindlin, presides over a series of reallife cases and conflicts 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show Jeremy Kyle presents a confrontational talk show in which guests thrash out their conflicts, dilemmas and relationship issues in front of a studio audience 1.30 Airline USA. Greatest Hits Chicago 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City. The Mayor May Not (Subtitled) 8.00 Nanny 911 9.00 Marriage 911. 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 Mike Bassett: Manager. Football's Coming Home 11.00 Office Monkey 11.30 FILM: The Guru 1.20 The Ricki Lake Show 2.00 Big Game TV 4.00 Teleshopping. I Like Fucking
A Week of Dressing BBC2 8pm
6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Franz Ferdinand 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But JLo In Nyc 1:00pm Hijacked By Boycie And Marlene 2:00pm The O.C.: The Blaze Of Glory 3:00pm Without A Trace: Shadows 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C.7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Desperate Housewives 9:55pm Wife Swap 11:00pm Lost 12:00am Point Pleasant: Pilot 1:00am Shameless 2:00am Wife Swap 3:00am Switched 3:20am Shameless 4:20am Without A Trace 5:00am Switched 5:20am Switched Music favourites this week include the new Sigur-Ros album, the Iron and Wine / Calexico album, the new Coheed and Cambria album and the news that Bruce Springsteen is re-releasing Born to Run
06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.55 Barney 09.15 Funky Valley Animation set on a crazy farm called Funky Valley where something ridiculous happens every day, featuring a dozy cow, a busy hen, a know-it-all owl, a grumpy duck, a daft pig and a silly ram. Narrated by Mark Williams. Daphne the duck doesn't believe in aliens, but after becoming trapped inside a bale of hay, the other animals begin to think that she is from another planet. 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 House Doctor 14.30 Law and Order 15.30 Film: Perry Mason - the Case of the Glass Coffin 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Lives are shattered in the wake of Hayley's announcement. The Stalker engineers a life-threatening accident. Jesse and Martha struggle to hide their relationship from Alf 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 King Cobra! 20.00 Killer Shark Live 21.00 Film: Deep Blue Sea 23.05 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 23.35 MacIntyre's Toughest Towns 24.05 The Gadget Show 24.45 2005 X Games 01.15 NHL Ice Hockey Live 03.30 Race and Rally UK 03.55 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.35 Portuguese
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6:00am Cubeez: Telling Stories 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me: Sewer! 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder 9:30am How Sport Shook Up The World 9:55am Re-Writing History 10:00am Howard Goodall's Twentieth Century Greats 10:50am Tate Modern 10:55am Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20am Quit 11:25am Rude Britannia 11:55am Re-Writing History 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Back In The Day 1:00pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:05pm The Hot Rock 3:00pm A Place By The Sea 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 8:00pm How Clean Is Your House? 8:30pm It's Me Or The Dog 9:00pm Supernanny 10:00pm Lost: Raised By Another 11:05pm Sexology: Attack Of The Giant Women 12:05am Lost Highway One of the best films I’ve ever seen, this David Lynch classic is one of his more inpenetrable, and therefore AWESOME. Man kills wife, has nightmares and visions, has fantasy life, gets fucked up. Featuring a cameo from Marilyn Manson in a porn video and Bill Pullman has sex in front of a car’s headlamps to This Mortal Coil. Yum Yum. 2:35am The Nightmares Next Door 3:35am Time To Get Your House In Order! 4:05am Freesports On 4 4:35am Freesports On 4 5:05am British
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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Is My Gay Boyfriend Secretly Sleeping with Women? 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 Dial A Mum 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Meg and Mog 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.50 Potatoes and Dragons 4.05 Art Attack 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens Dissatisfied with the level of affection his foster son is prepared to show him, Brian creates a robot double of Josh... and causes total chaos. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 6.55 Party Conference Broadcast 7.00 Emmerdale Paul gets suspicious when Val steals again to try and pay off her debts. The Kings and Sugdens struggle with recent events. Simon finds a new job opportunity. 7.30 Coronation Street Frankie throws Danny out on the street. Gail has the last laugh over Phil. Cilla's thrilled with Shelley's cast off. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 The Golden Hour 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Crime Secrets 11.30 The Guest List 0.00 Jigsaw. 0.25 cd:uk Hotshots 0.50 Crossing Jordan. You Can't Go Home Again Crime drama series about a medical examiner who returns to her hometown of Boston to be reunited with her ex-cop father. When her childhood best friend is killed at work while battling a suspicious fire, Jordan takes it upon herself to get to the bottom of it. 1.35 World Rally Championship 2.30 British Touring Cars Championship 3.45 World Sport
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6:00am: Close 7:00 Trollz 7:25 Serious Jungle 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Boogie Beebies 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids. When one of the kids eats Michael's special 'half-time lemon pie' he comes up with a special punishment to make them tell the truth. 10:20 FILM: A Gift for Heidi. (1962) Children's tale about the little mountain girl, inspired by Johanna Spyri's novel. Heidi receives a present of three carved figures and learns about what they represent - faith, hope and charity. 11:30 Conference 2005 1:00pm: Meet the Ancestors 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Wildlife on Two 2:30 Conference 2005 3:55 Escape to the Country Glasgow to Scottish Borders Melissa Porter helps a retired engineer and his partner who want to escape to Sir Walter Scott country.4:25 Ready Steady Cook 5:10 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Good Life 7:30 How to Rescue a House 8:00 A Week of Dressing Dangerously - see pic 8:30 Rick Stein's French Odyssey 9:00 Space Race 10:00 Room 101 Gyles Brandreth suggests the Royal Variety Performance and the House of Commons 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Apprentice 1:20am: Joins BBC News 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Macbeth Shorts. 4:00 The Merchant of Venice. Shakespeare's play performed by the National Youth Theatre in a specially abridged version by Tom Stoppard, followed by the animated version of Macbeth.
The Hot Rock C4 1.05pm
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Booze 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:40 Neighbours The Hoyland family deals with the fallout of Boyd's decision to form a family with Kayla and Ashley. Dylan has a breakthrough with Paul, but not for long. Janelle has some fun at Harold and Lou's expense 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision. Paul and Barry take Mrs Pringle for a stroll in the park and meet up with No Slacking and his aunt. 3:40 Trollz. 4:05 Mona the Vampire. 4:30 The Crust. 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Road Rage School. 7:30 Seaside Rescue 8:00 T-Rex: A Dinosaur in Hollywood 9:00 Crimewatch UKNick Ross and Fiona Bruce appeal for help in solving crimes. Investigations include: the murder of a sex shop worker, the kidnap of a driver taken for a nightmare motorway ride in the boot of his own car, and the rape of a woman returning to her hotel after a wedding. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Crimewatch UK Update 10:50 Early Doors 11:20 FILM: The Dirty Dozen 1:50am: Sign Zone 2:40 Sign Zone 4:10 Sign Zone:
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06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm ???
Thursday
Oct 3 - Oct 9 2005
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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 He's Having a Baby Real life soap opera following first time fathers as they begin life's greatest adventure. As the new dads cope with sleepless nights and endless feeds, they reflect on how fatherhood has changed them. 20.00 Stars in Fast Cars Dougie Anderson brings together personalities to find out which of them is the fastest star in a car. This episode features Steve Redgrave, Gina Yashere, Jon Culshaw and Sarah Cawood. 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Spooks 23.30 Desperate Midwives 24.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 24.55 Trauma Uncut 01.25 Trauma Uncut 01.55 Spendaholics 02.50 Desperate Midwives On the labour ward a speedy delivery takes midwife Liz by surprise, while independent midwife Michelle has to look after a mum who wants to get plastered - at a belly-casting party 03.20 Little Angels 03.50 Close
19.00 One Foot in the Lost Decade Documentary looking at architecture in postwar Britain, from prefabricated homes to the Royal Festival Hall. The programme explores the legacy of the time and examines how architects harnessed modernist ideas and applied them to public housing 19.10 Great Railway Journeys 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Tales from the Palaces (Signs of Life) Robert Lindsay narrates a series on Britain's historic Royal Palaces, filmed over a year with access to all areas. In this edition, witch marks are found in the rafters of Kew Palace, and graffitti scratched by those sent to the Tower is preserved 21.30 A Very English Village 22.20 Sounds of the Sixties 22.30 People like Us 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 One Foot in the Lost Decade 24.20 Tales from the Palaces 24.50 A Very English Village 01.40 The Sky at Night 02.10 Mind Games 02.40 Tales from the Palaces 03.10 A Very English Village 04.00 Close
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 60 Minute Makeover Claire Sweeney presents the series in which a home gets a new look in just one hour. Today, the team decorate the home of a young family in Felsted, Essex 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael Sally and her audience discuss more controversial topics. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show 1.30 Holiday Airline 2.00 Coronation Street 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. (Subtitled) 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City. The Great Debate 8.00 Real Families: My Skin Could Kill Me 10.00 FILM: The Guru 11.50 Hell's Kitchen USA 0.50 The Ricki Lake Show. 1.30 Big Game TV Entertaining audience participation TV quiz show which enables viewers to win cash prizes of up to 50,000 pounds simply by answering questions or solving rudimentary puzzles live on air 4.00 Teleshopping.
6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With Rachel Stevens 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want11:00am Whatever... You Want I apologise for this unprecedented step of ‘serious’ TV listings, but tonight TV desk really just cannot be bothered. There’s only three of us and Grace is nearly dead and i bought a chocolate bar that looked like it was carbonated and had a weasel bone growing out of it.12:00pm Hijacked By... 1:00pm Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Without A Trace: Gung Ho 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm The 51st State 12:20am Goal: T4 Movie Special 12:50am Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:55am Teachers2:55am The Next JoeMillionaire 3:35am Without A Trace 4:20am Switched
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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours Children's puppet series about a pair of adventurous mice 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.55 Barney Educational fun with the big purple dinosaur. BJ and Baby Bop play with toy trucks. Barney gives them lessons in traffic safety and visits a real `big rig' truck 09.15 Funky Valley 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "Irresistible Force" 15.30 Film: "The Big Valley: Flight of the Lost Souls" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Ocean's Greatest Wrecks: Inside The World's First Killer Submarine 20.00 Killer Shark Live 21.00 The Hotel Inspector 22.00 House Hugh Laurie, Jesse Spencer, Lisa Edelstein. US hospital drama about a maverick, anti-social New Jersey doctor. While House and his team struggle to discover what's causing a pregnant woman's brain and kidney to dysfunction, Vogler is working to get House fired following his pharmaceutical speech 23.00 Hidden Lives: It's Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy 24.00 John Barnes' Football Night 24.40 Dutch Football 02.10 Portuguese Football
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6:00am Inuk: Kimik In Trouble 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier: The Innkeepers 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Storybook Dads 9:30am In Search Of The Tartan Turban 9:55am Re-Writing History: What If Women Never Got The Vote? 10:00am Howard Goodall's Twentieth Century Greats: Bernard Herrmann 10:50am Tate Modern: Myself And Others 10:55am Engineering At The Cutting Edge: Sports Performance 11:20am Quit: Breath Of Fresh Air 11:25am Rude Britannia 11:55am Re-Writing History: What If Footballers Never Became Millionaires? 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Back In The Day 1:00pm 3 Minute Wonder: Misunderstood 1:05pm Paper Moon 3:00pm Celebrity Place In The Sun: Tara Palmer-Tomkinson 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons: Homer's Barbershop Quartet 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Mesh: Invasion 8:00pm Risking It All Revisited 9:00pm Elizabeth I 11:05pm Sexology: Dirty Fan Male 12:10am 4music Presents... Franz Ferdinand 12:45am Bollywood Firsts: Pinjar 4:20am Do Over: The Anniversary 4:40am Do Over: Take Me Out Of The Ballgame 5:05am Transworld Sport 6:00am Close
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6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Six Kids by Six Different Women Aged 20 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 Dial A Mum 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Pocoyo 3.35 Feodor Dotti discovers that a fox hunt is to take place, and has to outwit Ajax in order to warn Feo. She gets help from Welli the fish, and when she finds Feo, they set out to find Hilda, who is dangerously close to the hunters 3.45 Blips 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 The Giblet Boys 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 All About George. (Widescreen) (Subtitled) (S) 10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager. Going Dutch Comedy drama series about ex-England manager Mike Bassett, now in charge of bottom-of-the league Wirral County. After watching a video of Ajax striker Ronnie Van Needlemans, Mike is convinced he's the man to end their goal famine, but he has to raid Karine's nest egg in secret to finance the deal 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Wales This Week 11.30 Soccer Night. 0.00 Never to be Forgotten: 0.30 Celebrity Reality Bites. 0.55 KT Tunstall in Profile Described as a sublime hybrid of Joni Mitchell, Bjork, grunge and pop; or shit. 1.20 Providence. Two to Tango 2.00 Too Many Cooks 2.50 Cybernet 3.15 Motorsport UK 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
The Giblet Boys ITV1 4.30pm
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6:00am: Close 7:00 Arthur 7:25 Serious Jungle 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Best of Friends 8:30 Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Boogie Beebies 9:40 Balamory 10:00 My Wife and Kids Jay is devastated when she is fired, but enjoys finally having time to spend with the kids 10:20 Trade Secrets 10:30 Watch 10:45 Something Special 11:00 Conference 2005 1:00pm: The Chronicles of Narnia 1:15 Numbertime 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 FILM: Escapade in Japan. 3:30 Escape to the Country North London to the Chilterns. A series which helps prospective buyers find their dream home in the country. Catherine Gee house hunts in the Chilterns for a London family with a new baby. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 A Year at Kew 8:30 No Waste Like Home Eco-expert Penney Poyzer shows environmentallyunfriendly and wasteful households how to become more efficient, encouraging them to recycle and stop wasting water, gas and electricity. The Lamberts love their gadgets and in just two weeks this household uses enough energy to light a football stadium for an entire match. Can Penney teach them to slash their energy consumption by a third to get in line with the average UK household? 9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: The Boys on the Beach
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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Booze 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours David determines Paul's destiny. Stingray is confused by his boss's mixed signals. Connor and Serena make an odd couple at work. Summer looks set to win a scholarship 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision Paul and Barry enter the Transylvanian garlichunting competition and stay in an eerie castle 3:40 Trollz 4:05 Mona the Vampire 4:30 The Crust 5:00 Blue Peter Special 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Hotel on Sea 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Rogue Traders Undercover investigations in search of service providers who try to rip off their clients. Matt Allwright is on the trail of flytippers dumping rubbish in parks, fields and along busy main roads. He sets a hi-tech trap to catch them out, and is plunged into a murky and dangerous world where dogs patrol illegal tips and rubbish is burned through the night 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week 12:20am: FILM: Double Jeopardy 1:55 Sign Zone: Panorama 2:35 Sign Zone: Holidays at Home 3:05 Sign Zone: Property People 4:05
Brainteaser Ch5 1pm
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The Ferret ITV1 7.30pm
06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm
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Page 28
Oct 3 - Oct 9 2005
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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 He's Having a Baby 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids 21.00 Doctor Who 21.45 Doctor Who Confidential 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Little Britain 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.55 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.25 Nighty Night 01.55 Gypsy Wars The UK’s answer to Bum Fights, in which caravan dwelling pond-scum are handpicked by Generation X prats and told to fight each other. This week Lavender is pitched against Otter in the stream-side arena for the coverted lucky heather mysticweight belt. 02.55 The Brothers Barry and Paul Chuckle discuss their careers up close and personal. 03.55 Close
19.00 Tales from the Palaces 19.30 Booker Prize Shortlist 20.00 The World 20.30 Face to Face 21.00 What's Going On: The Life and Death of Marvin Gaye 22.00 Sounds of the Sixties The Who, Pink Floyd, Joe Cocker and The Greaseband, The Nice and The Jimi Hendrix Experience. It was going well until they mentioned Hendrix, the talentless prick. I could fart a better version of the Star Spangled Banner than that fucker. 22.30 QI 23.00 The Thick of It 23.30 Heimat - 3 More high-jinx and capers in post-Nazi occpation Germany. Barry the ice cream man can’t stop looking at Brenda the lollypop lady’s bloomers when she’s watering her garden! 01.35 What's Going On: The Life and Death of Marvin Gaye Or “Gay Marvin” as a former work colleague of mine once genuinely thought he was called. 02.35 The Thick of It 03.05 Play It Again
6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. 1.30 Holiday Airline. 2.00 Coronation Street. 2.30 Emmerdale. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. Ricki Lake talks teen-pregnancy, gangs, drugs, makeovers and weight loss in her different approach to chat shows. Erm don’t want to rain on your parade Ricki, but since when did you have a “different” approach to chat shows? Apart from the one episode I saw where Jimmy Pop from the Bloodhound Gang rating freaks. That was great. 3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 7.30 Spin City 8.00 Kinky Boots 8.30 ITV at the Movies 9.00 Jordan and Peter Marriage and Mayhem Wedding Build-up 10.00 The Frank Skinner Show. 11.00 Coronation Street. 11.30 FILM: Joe Dirt
6:00am Morning Glory 7:00am Morning Glory 8:00am Wake Up With S Club's Jo O'meara 9:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Nothing But Blur 12:30pm Nothing But Christina 1:00pm Hijacked By Hard Fi Mmmm I bet they have good taste. 2:00pm The O.C.: The Risky Business 3:00pm Without A Trace: The Season 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One Where They're Up All Night 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C.: The Risky Business 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm The 51st State 11:45pm Spoons 12:15am Massive Balls Of Steel 12:45am Bo' Selecta! Vol. 3 1:25am Goal: T4 Movie Special 1:55am Trigger Happy Usa
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06.00 A House That's Just like Yours 06.25 Rolie Polie Olie 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.55 Barney 09.15 Funky Valley 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: Angels in the Attic 15.35 Film: Danielle Steel's Palomino Fun game: Go into any respectable DVD retailer (or HMV or Virgin - arf!) and look at the Danielle Steel section. The challenge is to find a title that doesn’t feature the word “tragedy”. Try it. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great British Commanders 20.00 Killer Shark Live Donal MacIntyre on how sharks have sex. That’s my theory that Donal MacIntyre is a respectable undercover journalist out the window. 21.00 When Heather Met the McCartneys 22.00 Swinging 22.30 Peter Kay at the Comedy Store Five jump on the Peter Kay bandwagon three years late. Not that he’s funny anyway. 23.00 My Secret Body 23.30 Hot Tub Ranking This sounds completely brilliant. So good, I’m going to write about it on the front page. 24.10 Top Buzzer 24.35 Film: SubUrbia 02.30 The Love Boat 03.15 Sunset Beach
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6:00am Cubeez: Up And Over 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Fiends 8:00am Just Shoot Me 8:25am Will & Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:25am 3 Minute Wonder: Putting Down Roots 9:30am The Hustlers 9:55am Trouble Online: Furniture Farm 10:20am ReWriting History 10:25am Tricky Business 10:50am National Gallery: Madonnas And Goddesses 10:55am Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20am Quit 11:25am Rude Britannia: Ashley And Steph 11:55am Re-Writing History 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Back In The Day 1:00pm The Midland: Checking Into History 1:20pm Anzio Wide 3:30pm Celebrity Place In The Sun: Lowri Turner 4:00pm Come Dine With Me 4:30pm A Place In Greece: Year 2 5:00pm Richard & Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Friends 8:00pm Scrubs 8:30pm Will & Grace 9:00pm The Simpsons 9:30pm Rock School 10:00pm Spoons No. 7 The medicine spoon. 10:30pm Dirty Tricks No. 37: Small intestine as a skipping rope. 11:20pm The Osbournes 11:50pm Desperate Housewives 12:50am Desperate Housewives 1:50am Bollywood Firsts Some tripe that isn’t Lagarn, the best Bollywood film about cricket I think I’ve ever seen. 4:25am Do Over: Rock 'N' Roll Parking Lot 4:50 Scrapheap Challenge: Backpack Cars
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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour . 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. Mum I'm Ashamed of You! 10.30 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.30 Loose Women. 2.15 Dial A Mum. The Wayne Rooney story. 3.00 Trading Treasures 3.30 Meg and Mog 3.35 Pirates. 3.45 Planet Sketch. 4.00 Disney's The Legend of Tarzan. 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Steve can't take his eyes off Ronnie (O’ Sullivans’ smooth-trousered bulge) 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Airline 9.00 The Brief 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show. 0.00 Paparazzi Secrets. 0.30 The Jules and Lulu Show. 1.10 Dragnet. Don’t get excited, this is a nonsense post-millenial rehash of the awesome 60’s cop show. 1.55 Entertainment Now! 2.20 ITV at Reading 2004. Featuring performances by the Darkness, Ash, the Hives, Dropkick Murphys and Thrice. Very 2004 then. I disctinctly remember the line-up in 2004 being crap, hence I didn’t go. And like 99% of all festival footage even when you were there, this will be visual hogshite. 3.15 ITV at the Movies. 3.40 cd:uk Hotshots. 4.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald.
Come Dine With Me Ch4 4pm
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6:00am: Close 7:00 Trolls 7:25 Serious Jungle 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 Best of Friends. 8:30 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 9:00 Muffin the Mule. 9:15 Boo! 9:25 Boogie Beebies. 9:40 Balamory. 10:00 My Wife and Kids. Letting Go 10:20 Trade Secrets. 10:30 Primary Geography. Weather: Wind. 10:50 Primary Geography. Weather: Seasons. 11:10 Primary Geography. Postcards - Bangladesh: Life in Bangladesh. 11:20 Coming to England. 11:40 BBC Primary History 11:50 BBC Primary History 12:00pm: The Daily Politics. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:30 The Flying Gardener 1:40 FILM: The Paradine Case. 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Little Europe. 7:30 Tales from the Green Valley. 8:00 In the Footsteps of Churchill. 8:30 Gardeners' World. 9:00 The Gardeners of Eden. 10:00 QI. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:00 Newsnight Review. 11:35 The Blues. 1:10am: Cold War Spy Swap: Days That Shook the World. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest 2:30 A Formidable Foe. 3:00 A Thread of Quicksilver. 3:30 Uncertain Principles. 4:00 The Birth of Liquid Crystals. Tough competition, but we have a winner for the most boring show on BBC2 today right here. 4:30 Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning. 5:00 Building the Perfect Beast. The TV John story.
Gypsy Wars BBC3 1.55am
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6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Britain's Streets of Booze. 10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy.11:30 Car Booty. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt.1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbour 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Diagnosis Murder. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: ChuckleVision 3:40 Trollz. 4:05 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show. A triple-bill of stories: Law and Disorder, Close Encounters of the Worse Kind, and Captain Canine Caper. You call these puns? I’ve got a lot of time for Scooby’s stereotypical Southern-States trailer park thicko cousin Yabba, however Reminds as he reminds me of me in my youth. 4:30 The Basil Brush Show. Basil Brush is a poof - bum bum. 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Summer gets into music school. It’s a sorry state of affairs when that recorder-tooting bitch gets some sort of accolade 6:00 BBC News and Weather. 6:30 Regional News Programmes. 7:00 Departure Lounge. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 The Green Green Grass. 9:00 My Family. 9:30 The Worst Week of My Life. 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
The Birth of Liquid Crystals BBC2 4am
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Little Europe BBC2 7pm
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Hello, TV John here, unfortunately We’ve lost the S4C listings for Friday somewhere in the darkest corridors of gair rhydd towers, and I’m using the worlds most decrepit iMac so I’m not going to waste my time looking for them, so instead I’m going to waste your time by fabricating the listings instead. 6:00 Puppet Fun With Daniel Bedingfield and Leeroy 6.30 Crumpet 6.35 Crumpet 6.40 Crumpet 6.45 Crumpet 7:10 There Is a Farmhand In My Salad 9:30 The Crystal Maze on Ice (Repeat) 9:35 Chicken Bothering 11:50 Lice are Funny But My Breasts Ache 12:05 Film: Roy 12.10 Film: Roy 2 12:20 Film: Roy 3 - King Roy and the Basket People 17.20 Laxatives Make My Tongue Shrivel 18.00 Hypochondriac Spaniards on Ice (Repeat) 20.00 Jubber 20.30 Fucking Your Mum 21.30 Embarassed 22.00 Nosejob Critics 23.00 Lamp Sex 23.59 Film: Gripping Things With My Ass - The Movie
Saturday
Oct 3 - Oct 9 2005
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slowlylosingthewilltolive@me.co.uk
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19.00 Farscape Sci-fi drama series about a lost astronaut who finds himself in the middle of an intergalactic war. On the Royal Planet, a wedding is imminent. But only if the princess can find a compatible Sebacean to be the father of her children. Crichton passes the test. But is he prepared to give up his hopes of returning to Earth? 19.45 Farscape 20.30 Doctor Who Confidential Simon Pegg narrates a behindthe-scenes look at the new series of Doctor Who, following the production team, writers and cast as they bring the Time Lord back to the screen. A journey from his ultimate fans to his ultimate foe. 21.00 Three's Outtakes 21.10 Little Britain 21.40 Nighty Night 22.10 Bodies 23.10 Film: "The Peacemaker" George Clooney and Nicole Kidman star. 01.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.05 The Comic Side of 7 Days
6.00 GMTV2. (Widescreen) 9.25 Emmerdale Omnibus. Andy and Robert's feud comes to a head - with devastating consequences. Max turns on his family. Ethan arranges for Laurel to move into the vicarage while Ashley's away. Val steals again to try and pay off her debts, then attempts to pin the blame on Paul. Nicola is furious with Simon over his new line of work.Super 12.10 Coronation Street 2.30 Date My Daughter. 3.20 Movies Now. 3.30 Holiday Showdown. 4.30 Celebrity Fit Club USA. 5.30 Movies Now. 5.40 Kinky Boots: The Premiere 6.10 Holiday Airport - Palma. 7.10 Nanny 911. 8.10 Marriage 911 9.10 Jack Osbourne Adrenaline Junkie. 10.10 The Xtra Factor. 11.10 Charlotte Church - Confessions of a Teen Angel. If I had a fiver for every time I’ve been asked (by nonCardiff residents) if I’d seen Miss Church, I’d be loaded. 0.10 The X Factor. 1.15 The X Factor. 2.10 The Xtra Factor. 3.00 Emmerdale Omnibus 5.30 Teleshopping.
The Sky at Night BBC2 12.45pm
19.00 Better or Worse 19.10 Friday Night Is Music Night Roy Hudd joins the BBC Concert Orchestra, conducted by John Wilson, for the first ever TV recording of this radio favourite featuring light classics and period songs. Guests include soprano Janis Kelly. 20.10 Music for Everybody Light music was once loved by millions but now is almost completely forgotten. Brian Kay tells the stories behind the cheerful melodies that dominated postwar British radio. 21.10 The Michelangelo Exhibitio 21.40 Searle's Progress 22.40 Film: "The Happiest Days of Your Life" 24.00 What's Going On: The Life and Death of Marvin Gaye 01.00 Searle's Progress Profile of Ronald Searle, one of the greatest graphic artists Britain has produced. The programme examines the effect Searle's experiences in a Japanese prisoner-of-war camp had on his work and explores his output from the decades of self-imposed exile. Contributors include fellow cartoonists Martin Rowson, Gerald Scarfe, Steve Bell and Posy Simmonds.
Britainʼ’s Best Back Gardens ITV1 1.10pm
5:50 Making It: Digging Dirt And Doing Pannies 5:55 Inuk: Trapped 6:10 The Hoobs: Getting Better 6:35 The Hoobs: Frogs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 4endurance: Harbourside Rat Race Adventure Bristol 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: Futurama: When Aliens Attack 9:25am T4: Pure T4 10:00am T4: Friends: The One With The Worst Best Man 10:30am T4: Popworld 11:20am T4: Friends: The One With Ross's Wedding 11:50am T4: The Simple Life: Interns 12:20pm T4: Rock School 12:55pm T4: Totally Frank 1:25pm T4: Totally Frank 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing From York And Bangor-On-Dee 4:00pm My Place In The Sun 4:35pm The Story Of Robin Hood And His Merrie Men Premiere 6:05pm Morgan & Platell 6:35pm Channel 4 News 7:05pm Elizabeth I 9:10pm The Cider House Rules 11:35pm Pharrell Williams: 11:40pm X-Rated: The Ads They Couldn't Show Those ladies from the Bounty ads do naughty stuff. 1:15am 4music: The Jd Set Presents Maximo Park And Editors 1:40am 4music: 4play: Beta Band 1:55am 4music: Hit40uk 2:20am The Other Side: Saving Dj Swing 3:20am Shin Gi Tai 3:25am King Of The Hill: Full Metal Dust Jacket 3:50am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 4:10am Do Over: Hollyween (A.K.A. Halloween Kiss) 4:35am Do Over: Star Search 4:55am Scrapheap Challenge: Amphi Bikes 5:55am
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06.00 Sunrise 06.55 The SaveUms! 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.15 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.30 Franklin 09.05 George Shrinks 09.35 The Secret of Eel Island 09.50 Extreme Football 10.05 Dragon Booster 10.35 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Red Bull Air Race World Series 14.00 Film: "Atomic Train" 16.50 Film: "Danielle Steel's Message from Nam" 19.10 Charmed 20.00 Killer Shark Live 21.00 five news and sport 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.10 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.05 The Shield 24.05 UltimatePoker.com Showdown01.00 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 01.40 Film: "Confessions from a Holiday Camp" 03.05 Short Story Cinema 03.35 Sunset Beach 04.20 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.05 Russell Grant's Postcards05.10 Sons and Daughters05.35 Sons and Daughters Lock them up! here’s some R Kelly: 7 o'clock in the morning and the rays from the sun wake me I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that don’t belong to me Then a voice yells “good morning darling” from the bathroom Then she comes out and kisses me and to my surprise she isn’t youNow I've got this dumb look on my face like “what have I done”?How could I be so stupid to have been laid in to the morning sun lalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalalallalalalalalalalalalal
6:00am Morning Glory 8:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 10:00am Whatever...you want 12:00pm Roland And Zammo's School Disco 1:00pm Roland And Zammo's School Disco 2:00pm Hit40uk 2:35pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends: The One With George Stephanopoulos 5:30pm Friends: The One With The Butt 6:00pm Brat Camp 7:00pm Wife Swap 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends: The One With The Butt 9:00pm 100 Greatest Cartoons 1:10am 8 Out Of 10 Cats
to her home, didn’t plan to stay that long Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes Searching for my car keys trying to get on up out the door Then she stretched her hands in front of me Said “you can’t go this way”looked at her like she was crazy Said “woman move out my way”I Said “I got a wife at home” She said “please don’t go out there” “Lady I’ve got to get home” She said her husband was coming from the stairs “?? quiet, hurry up and get in the closet” She said “don’t you make a sound or some ____ is going down I Said “why don’t I just go out the window” “yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor” Think, think… “quick put me in the closet” And now I'm in this darkest closet trying to figure out Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass out this house And he walks in and yells “I’m home” Twat.
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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 Wakey! Wakey! 9.25 MOM. With Lisa Scott-Lee and Rachel Stevens. 11.30 cd:uk. 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV Wales News and Weather. 12.40 GP2 Bahrain. 1.10 Britain's Best Back Gardens. 1.40 Britain's Best Back Gardens. 2.10 ITV at the Movies. Giles Vickers Jones previews the week's film releases in the UK, including Roman Polanksi's Oliver Twist, Kinky Boots, sci-fi adventure Serenity, and Nightwatch.BBC have Film 2005 with Jonathon Ross. ITV have Giles Vickers Jones- the orange one off that reality TV show. 2.40 Watching the Detectives. 3.10 Inspector Morse. Morse and Lewis investigate a murder in a quiet country church where a vicar and his voluntary helpers are the unlikely prime suspects. Although at first baffled, and more at home in a pub than a pulpit, Morse pursues his investigations religiously. 5.10 ITV Wales News and Weather. 5.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather. 5.40 New You've Been Framed! Trampoline trouble and naughty kids feature in Harry Hill's latest compendium of camcorder calamities. Plus, the fur flies when cats meet dogs. 6.10 The X Factor. 7.10 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon. 8.10 The X Factor. 9.10 afterlife. Daniel One and Two 10.10 Parkinson. 11.10 ITV News. 11.25 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying. Jim Rosenthal presents qualifying action from the challenging Suzuka circuit, round 18 of the F1 season. With commentary by James Allen and Martin Brundle. Time for bed. Night night!
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6:00: Breakfast.9:00 Weekend 24.10:00 Saturday Kitchen. Antony Worrall Thompson is back in the kitchen for another live edition of the interactive food show, bless his little pudding face. He’s less “cuddly” these days, but I still love his cute little ginger beard. Bet it feels all silky. He can cook as well.11:30 Rachel's Favourite Food: Dog Biscuits and Stoat bones.12:00: See Hear. 12:45 The Sky at Night. 1:15 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross. 1:45 Match of the Day Live. 4:00 FILM: None but the Brave. (1965) Atmospheric World War Two drama about a group of American marines who crash-land on a remote island in the Pacific occupied by a small band of Japanese soldiers. 5:45 What the Papers Say. 5:55 Snooker Grand Prix. 7:40 Porridge. Good for 8:10 The Secret of Drawing. A pencil, some paper, eyes, a rubber and hands. (In no particular order.) 9:10 Bodies. 10:10 Vic Reeves' Best and Worst of God. The creation of the world was one of his finest moments, Hurricane Katrina was not. Sales of Katrina and the Waves’ “Love Shine a Light have decreased considerably since. 11:10 Snooker Grand Prix. 12:00 Snooker Grand Prix Extra. In case you were left feeling empty and worthless after the snooker, here’s some more to fill up your pointless saturday night, and hopefully some space on this page. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles.6:20 Fimbles. 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 7:00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids.7:25 Arthur. 7:50 Taz-Mania. 8:10 Legend of the Dragon.8:35 The Scooby and Scrappy Show. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. Must. Kill. Dick and Dom.11:00 Top of the Pops Reloaded. Lee Ryan, Freefaller and Robbie Williams are featured, while Sam goes backstage with Starsailor. 11:45 Sportsround. 12:00 BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand. 1:05 Racing from Salisbury and Chepstow.2:40 Snooker Grand Prix. Isn’t Grand Prix something to do with motorsports? Forgive me, I am but a lowly woman. Sport is my no means my forte. All I have in my head are images of people racing around a track on broomsticks made from pool cues. 3:30 Match of the Day Live. 6:15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 6:35 He's Having a Baby. 7:35 The National Lottery: In It to Win It. 8:20 Casualty. 9:10 Test the Nation: Know Your English Test. Wots dis al aboout den? Evrywun can speak english. Especially Dick and Dom in DA Bunglalow. Twats. 10:30 BBC News; Weather. 10:50 Test the Nation: Know Your English Test. 12:00am: FILM: Rancid Aluminium. Sequel to Putrid Pewter. 1:30 Match of the Day. 3:15 Joins BBC News 24.
Bodies BBC2 9:25pm
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French Football. C4 7am
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Oct 3 - Oct 9 2005
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Divine Designs five 12.35pm
Bruce Goes Dancing BBC1 5.45pm
Hollyoaks Let Loose E4 9pm
Moby Dick five 3.20pm
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19.00 Spendaholics 24-year-old events manager Simon is twenty-five thousand pounds in debt. He has no bills to pay and no food to buy, every penny goes into paying to follow his football team, Chelsea, around Europe. Simon doesn’t want to stop following his beloved team and spending large amounts of money drinking pints of beer in the pub before matches so for lifestyle expert Jay Hunt and psychological coach Mark Hopkins. 20.00 Honey We're Killing the Kids...before they k=ill you.21.00 Stars in Fast Cars 21.30 Nighty Night 22.00 Gypsy Wars 23.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 01.30 My Life in Film 02.00 Gypsy Wars 02.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.55 Closesdjflakjshfksnfgasnv.,mn.k snvgkajrewkgja;.kejghk;lque5iy tbnv,scdylku4ijgvliejrylkjk;ghjo
19.00 Birdland: Tango Jealousy 19.05 Massive Nature Series which unravels the mysteries behind the world's most dramatic wildlife events tells the story of the 1.5 million wildebeest which risk their lives to cross a short stretch of the Mara River - home to huge crocodiles and a host of big cats. The film reveals the wildebeests' survival strategy during this dangerous event 19.35 Thoroughly Modern Antiques Veronika Hyks presents a series exploring how today's most sought after home designs emerged after World War Two. Despite rationing and continued austerity, postwar Britain was a hot bed of radical design, an era that saw the birth of innovative new lines in ceramics, glassware and contemporary textiles 20.05 When Britain Went Bananas 21.05 Heimat - 3 23.15 Little Kinsey 12.15 A Very English Village 01.05 Thoroughly Modern Antiques 01.35 When Britain Went Bananas When TV desk went bananas...This is what happened.
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6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Franz Ferdinand in Profile Whose new single blatantly rips off Shania Twain’s ‘Man I Feel Like A Woman’, and yet you like it. silly people. 9.55 cd:uk. 10.55 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon 11.55 Nanny 911. 12.55 Emmerdale Omnibus. 3.40 Coronation Street Omnibus Jason's gutted by Violet's betrayal. Danny's marriage comes crashing down around his ears and Frankie throws him out on the street but will Jamie's world be torn apart by his father's infidelity? Steve can't take his eyes off Ronnie. Gail's set in stone as tensions rise. 6.00 Ant & Dec's Gameshow Marathon. 7.00 The X Factor 8.00 The X Factor 9.00 The Xtra Factor 10.00 Jordan and Peter: Marriage and Mayhem 11.00 Coronation Street 11.35 The Frank Skinner Show 0.35 Desperately Seeking Sheila 1.35 cd:uk 2.25 Teleshopping 4.25 ITV2 Nightscreen. We have all gone mad, mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad mad insane.
06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just Like Yours 06.30 Rolie Polie Olie 06.55 The Save-Ums! Preschool fun with the miniature superheroes. Glow Grubs are expecting a call from their grandmother but can't find the phone 07.10 The Save-Ums! 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.40 Roobarb and Custard Too 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs Animation about a boy whose toy dinosaurs come to life and transport him to a magical world. When Sam uses Harry's bucket to collect drips from a leak in the house, Harry rushes to Dino-World to save the dinos from drowning 08.20 Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 08.35 Franklin 09.05 George Shrinks 09.40 Demolition Dad 09.55 Extreme Football 10.10 Michaela's Wild Challenge 10.40 Morris 2274 11.10 The New Tomorrow 11.40 Heroes of History 12.10 A Different Life 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: "Memories Never Die" 15.20 Film: Moby Dick 17.50 five news and sport 18.05 Film: Desperately Seeking Susan 20.00 Film: Dirty Dancing 22.00 Film: Cocktail 24.00 BUPA Great South Run 24.40 Red Bull Air Race World Series 01.00 US Major League Baseball 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Dutch Football (FC Twente v Feyenoord) Another chance to see the Game of the Week from Holland's EreDivisie with FC Twente hosting Feyenoord. dufsidhgvlsfhglkdfj;bkgjdlfgbhjl;dj vm b.,vmb jkdfhkdfkghslighslikhglkshjgklsdhjfklghkd-
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Rachel Stevens 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00am Whatever... You Want Hear that boys and girls? that was the sound of the will to live physically vacating my body. Not even the fact that Not TV Willy swapped my shit chocolate bar for a nice one can help me carry on. 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Hijacked By... 1:00pm Pepsi Max Downloaded: Highlights 2:00pm The O.C. 3:00pm Without A Trace: Gung Ho 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The O.C 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm The 51st State 12:20am Goal: T4 Movie Special 12:50am Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:55am Teachers 2:55am The Next Joe Millionaire 3:35am Without A Trace 4:20am Switched 4:40am Switched 5:00am The Next Joe Millionaire
06:10 The Hoobs: Finding Out 06:35 The Hoobs: Monkey 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Just Shoot Me 08:25 Will And Grace: Acting Out 08:55 Frasier: Burying A Grudge 09:25 3 Minute Wonder: The Witness Trees 09:30 How Sport Shook Up The World 09:55 ReWriting History 10:00 Howard Goodall's 20th Century Giants 10:50 Tate Modern: Outside In 10:55 Engineering At The Cutting Edge 11:20 Life Stuff: Quit 11:25 Rude Britannia 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:45 Ari Awyren 13:00 Bws Parti 13:15 Come Dine With Me 13:50 Back In The Day 14:20 A Place By The Sea 15:25 A Place In Slovakia 16:00 Bywyd Cudd Sabrina 16:25 Campyfan 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons: The Front 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Ffermio 21:00 Y Cyngor 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 The Unteachables 23:35 Monarchy By David Starkey 00:40 Sexology: Armed Robbery Orgasm ???
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5:55am Inuk: Love Is In The Air 6:10am The Hoobs: Losing Things 6:35am The Hoobs: Flags 7:00am Transworld Sport 7:55am World Superbikes 8:25am Freesports On 4: Red Bull Vertical Battle 8:55am Hit40uk 9:25am T4 T4: Futurama: Fry And The Slurm Factory 9:55am T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:30pm T4: Totally Frank 1:05pm T4: Britney And Kevin: Chaotic: Who Said Anything About Love? 1:35pm T4: Pepsi Max Downloaded: Westlife 2:40pm T4: Friends: The One With Ross's Wedding 3:10pm T4: Stargate Sg-1: Zero Hour 4:05pm T4: Star Trek: Enterprise: Borderland 5:00pm The Simpsons: Bart Vs. Thanksgiving 5:30pm Scrapheap Challenge 6:30pm Lost: Raised By Another 7:30pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Bremner, Bird And Fortune 9:00pm The 50 Greatest Documentaries 12:00am The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off haha, leper, haha, leper, haha, leper, ad infinitum. 1:05am World Superbikes 2:00am World Touring Car Championships 2:55am Kotv 3:25am Freesports On 4: Red Bull Vertical Battle 3:50am Zero To Hero 4:50am Scrapheap Challenge: Tanks 5:50am Close diugjdfoigkmdfogjoi0dfdofgkjhoid,kfgphoif,ghlp[ldfy9idfkmyoijjh87fguh980idky90irktyoiftypkfky,pfl,yguplfg,hjokfg,hokf, y9ifty,plfg,hplfh.,plfg,hplf,ghplfg, hplf,glph,fp
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8.05 GMTV 11.30 The Championship 12.00 Skillz 12.30 Jonathan Dimbleby 1.25 Waterfront 1.55 ITV Wales News and Weather 2.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 4.30 The X Factor. The first of today's two shows sees judges Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh prepare to reveal the twelve X Factor finalists, as they whittle down the seven acts in their categories by setting the hopefuls one final task. Presented by Kate Thornton. 5.30 The X Factor In the second of today's two shows, judges Simon Cowell, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh reveal which four acts in each of their categories have made it through to the next stage. Presented by Kate Thornton 6.30 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.40 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Diane faces a backlash after grassing her sister to the police. Viv launches Operation Wedding, but Dawn has mixed feelings. Simon realises that him being a binman won't be good enough for Nicola 7.30 Coronation Street Frankie makes the hardest decision of her life in order to protect her son. Only a miracle can save Les from Cilla's wrath. Violet's furious when Charlie muscles in with Jason 8.00 Heartbeat. Miller's Tale 9.00 Midsomer Murders. The House in the Woods 11.00 ITV News. 11.10 The South Bank Show. Alan Bennett 0.10 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Highlights.
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6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:10 Scooby-Doo and ScrappyDoo. Manic adventures with the cowardly dog and his friends. Epsiodes are Scooby's Desert Dilemma, Stuntman Scooby and Mummy's the Word 7:30 Smile 10:00 FILM: Press for Time 11:40 The Private Life of Plants. Living Together. David Attenborough looks at the battle for survival in the plant world. Plants often rely on animals, fungi and each other for food, protection or a home - and they are not always grateful partners. Remarkable timelapse photography reveals them strangling, stabbing and sucking their victims dry 12:30pm: Sunday Grandstand 12:35 World Slalom Canoe Championships 1:20 International Football Round-up 1:30 Rugby League: Super League Play-offs Final Eliminator 2:15 Rugby Union: Anglo-Welsh Cup. Llanelli v Newcastle 4:15 Snooker Grand Prix 6:30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 7:00 Top of the Pops 7:30 Snooker Grand Prix 8:00 Best of Top Gear 8:30 Mechannibals 9:00 In Search of Myths 10:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 10:30 Arrested Development 10:55 Snooker Grand Prix 11:55 Snooker Grand Prix Extra 2:00am: BBC Learning Zone 3:00 Reading Skills 4:00 Ask the Authors 5:00 Getting Published The highs and lows of three novelists in their quest to get published. HIGHS AND LOWS??? Try being a fucking TV edior. Send your pity to TV Desk, gair rhydd Towers, The Student Union.
PRIMETIME
PRIMETIME
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Sunday AM 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show Topical magazine programme with Max Flint and Mary Rhodes. Maya Angelou shares her wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of poetry, educating, acting, civil rights activism, producing, directing and living. Saira Khan missed out on a job with Alan Sugar in The Apprentice, but she's swapped her laptop for a hilltop on a weekend retreat as a conservation volunteer. Impressionist Jan Ravens is in the studio with her views on what the week's news stories say about us 11:00 Countryfile 12:00pm: The Politics Show 1:00 Creature Comforts 1:05 Cash in the Attic 2:05 Diagnosis Murder 2:50 EastEnders 4:45 Points of View 5:00 Songs of Praise Songs of Praise, songs of praise, songs of praise, songs of praise, songs of praise, songs of praise, songs of praaaaaaaise. 5:45 Bruce Goes Dancing 6:45 Antiques Roadshow 7:35 BBC News 8:00 Monarch of the Glen 9:00 Waking the Dead 10:00 BBC News; Weather 10:15 Panorama. 10:55 FILM: The Bunker. Claustrophobic supernatural World War Two horror. When seven German soldiers realise they are trapped in a half-finished concrete bunker, and with US troops advancing, they try to find an escape route through the catacombs beneath the bunker - where, unbeknownst to them, unspeakable evil lurks 12:30am: Joins BBC News 24. News, news, news, news, news, news, THIS IS THE NEWS!!
Five Minute Fun
October 3 2005
Page 31
ruiningyourlectures@gairrhydd.com
On the road dent or shy and so on and so on. But that’s clearly bollocks, I tend to go for the least skanky area. I’m reading an article about Steve Coogan and Courtney Love when I hear a surge of noise. I look up to see a gang of large tracksuited youths bearing down on me. Suddenly, I’m surrounded. All the empty seats are full and there’s a boy, about 12 years old, lying across my lap. At first they carry on as though I’m not there, calling each other ‘shits’ and ‘wankers’ and ‘gays’. The 12-year-old seems unconcerned with moving - I have to make a decision - I push him off me. All at once there’s silence. One of the older kids says, “don’t touch him”. It must be the accent, but I misinterpret his tone as jovial, as
? The Big Quiz* *This week: Quotations
1. Who said, “it’s no wonder the truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction after all, has to make sense.”? A: B: C: D:
Mark Twain Charles Dickens Graham Greene William Shakespeare
2. Who sang, “I love you baby, but you gotta understand, when the Lord made me, he made a ramblin’ man”?
A: B: C: D:
though he was saying, “don’t touch him, he smells”. I join in the banter and say, “but he was all over me,” as though I was saying, “but he was all over me, I couldn’t help but touch him, haha”. He stands up and and repeats, “don’t touch him”, this time there’s no confusion, as though he was saying “don’t touch him, I’ll kill you”. I say, “sorry; won’t happen again”. They return to acting like I’m not there. Much as I want to move, I don’t. Eventually one turns to me and says, “can you go sit somewhere else”. I lie and say, “I was going now anyway”. I hide behind a pillar until Damien arrives. I tell him what happened, he thinks it’s hilarious and says, “I’d’ve smacked the little shits”. Colm Loughlin
Johnny Cash George Jones Hank WIlliams Neil Young
HOW TO PLAY SU DOKU:
3. What is Neil Diamond alleged to have said to Bob Dylan after coming off stage from his Last Waltz performance? A: B: C: D:
“Beat that” “They’re rowdy tonight” “I might retire” “Have fun”
4. And what is Dylan alleged to have said in response? A. “What do you want me to do, go out there and fall asleep?” B. “I can handle rowdy crowds” C. “I think you should retire” D. “I never have Fun”
answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.A, 4.A
I’M OFF TO visit a friend in Liverpool, it’s my first time out of Cardiff in a while. On the train I’m reading a book about Son of Sam; still makes me want to live in New York though. I arrive, and although I’m late, there’s no sign of Damien. I call him: “Hello” / “Where’re you?” / “I’ve just arrived at the station” / “Oh, I’m leaving now” / “Leaving! What’ve you been doing!?” / “Nothing” / “Great, see you soon” / “Bye”. I don’t know how long he’ll be so I buy a magazine and find a bench - it’s a four seater. I sit with one seat to my left and two to my right. Apparently you can tell a lot about a person from where they sit on benches. Like, whether they’re dominant or subservient or confi-
HALL OF SHAME T
hought you’d got away with it did you? Ha! No chance bucko. With the advent of camera in phones nothing is secret anymore. gair rhydd jumps on the band wagon by bringing you the ‘Hall of Shame’.
Text
SU DOKU:
Do the Bart man
07791 165 837
Back door hey?
Champagne makes face melt
Picture alledgedly airbrushed
Homer: Agressice campaigning
(Last time we’re telling you)
Fill in the grid using only the numbers 1 through 9. All the vertical and horizontal rows should contain the numbers 1-9. All the smaller 3x3 squares should contain the numbers 1-9. No row or 3x3 square should have the same number twice.
CROSSWORD:
Jobs & Money
Page 32
October 3 2005
jobs@gairrhydd.com
IS A DEGREE ENOUGH? Gone are the days when a degree on its own is enough to land you your dream job, Jobs & Money look at how to get ahead By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor
A
ccording to a national survey of employers, 70% of them agree that degree results alone are not the best measure of employment potential. The good news is that this means it is not essential to spend all your time at University with your head buried in a book. On the contrary, it is just as important to pursue your interests, hobbies and work-experience as much as it is your studies. Because employers are looking for well-rounded individuals able to adapt to the world of work, students who have engaged in extra-curricular activities whilst at University, and have gained some work-experience will have the edge over graduates who have spent all of their time studying. Extra-curricular activities show employers that a student has acquired a variety of different skills that can be applied to the work-place. And it is not just those students who have taught for three months at a school in Cambodia or worked for a year at a prestigious law firm that can boast having the relevant skills and experience to land their first job. Activities undertaken at school or college can also demonstrate valuable employability skills. Captaining a sports team at school, for example, can demonstrate leadership and team-building qualities, an ability to get on with others and
demonstrate commitment and a determination to succeed. By listing what activities you have undertaken and then analysing the skills needed to carry out these tasks, you will probably be surprised to find how many skills you already have. It will also highlight what skills you need to develop.
Volunteering. This is a great way to build up your skills, as it shows your motivations are not money-orientated, but stem from a desire to want to help other people. It is a good way to mix with other people, demonstrating your inter-personnal skills.
Part-time work. Many people underestimate the importance of having done part-time work. It shows you are not a stranger to the so-called ‘world-of-work’ and demonstrates communication skills, teamwork and reliability.
Societies. Joining a society shows you have an interest in something other than your degree. Employers are looking for interesting, well-rounded people who they can get on with. Becoming part of the societies’ committee or, even better, starting up your own society will gain you extra points.
GOOD SKILLS What sort of qualities do employers look for in their new recruits? Self-reliance skills Self-awareness
- purposeful, focused, self-belief, realistic. Proactivity - resourceful, drive, selfreliant. Willingness to learn - inquisitive, motivated, enthusiastic. Networking - initiator, team-builer. Planning action - decision-maker, planner, able to prioritise. Self-promotion - positive, persistent, ambitious.
People skills Team working - supportive, organised, co-ordinator, deliverer.
General skills Problem solving - practical, logical, results-orientated
Flexibility - versatile, willing, multi-
skilled
Business acumen - entrepreneurial, competitive, risk-taker Computer literacy - office skills, keyboard skills, software Numeracy - accurate, quickthinker, Commitment - dedicated, trustworthy, conscientious.
Specific skills
Interpersonal skills - listener, advisor, assertive. Oral communication - communicator, presenter, influencer. Leadership - motivator, energetic,
Specific occupational skills - specialist relevant knowledge, eg languages, I.T Technical skills - eg journalism, engineering, accoiunting, sales
Customer orientation - friendly,
For more information and advice visit: www.universityoptions.co.uk
visionary.
caring, diplomatic.
GETTING AHEAD: Join a society like BMX Soc too prove you did more than drink. This demonstrates a high level of commitment, organisation and teamwork. Hazel Mowbray, winner of the national graduate of the year competition believes that students should, “Only do things that you enjoy; don’t just do things to put on your CV”.
Record your progress One thing students may forget to do with regards to seeking employability is to actually write down what you have done. Keep a folder containing information on activities carried out, plus con-
tact information of who was in charge of that particular activity (if it was not yourself personally.) That way, you have more potential references, which are generally required on your CV and job application forms.
Page 34
Sport
3rd October 2005
sport@gairrhydd.com
JOCKS VERSUS FLOPS BUSA or IMG, how will you spend your Wednesday off lectures?
By Ed Jones Sports Editor NOW LET’S get one thing straight, I’ve got a great deal of time for anyone who plays sport at university. There’s plenty to be gained from it in all its forms. Without university sport, we would all be fatter and have fewer friends. But for me, compared to BUSA, IMG competitions are a bit like X-rated house matches. For those of us who are never going to open the batting at Lords or net the winner at Wembley, there’s nothing finer than representing your university. Cardiff is a massive institution with some 22,000 members and can be proud of its sporting status. Whoever you play for, sport is about giving your best for personal pride and for your teammates. But it does mean something to pull on a shirt that represents something greater. For IMG players, most of whom don’t chose to represent their own schools, the name of their team means virtually nothing. BUSA players can take pride, not just in their own achievements, but in Cardiff ’s status as a premier sporting university. Now it’s not fair to argue that IMG is full of all the girls and boys picked last at school. There are some very talented players on the IMG circuit. This I understand. But there are also a lot of hopeless characters. Consequently, most IMG teams feature a huge range of ability. The weaker players have to rely on their stars to win the games while the stars are continually playing below themselves.
Representing the university gives all players the chance to team-up with people of a similar standard. BUSA players also have the opportunity to improve their skills with the aid of excellent training facilities and qualif ied coaches. Alternatively, students can chose to trudge around in the rain on a Sunday afternoon with their IMG teammates in preparation for Wednesday’s mud, blood and guts-fest. I’ve never seen an IMG "training session" and have no real idea what’s involved. I assume it’s not all patterns of play and fitness drills. Away from the pitch, the University’s clubs offer the best social scene. Elected committees organise socials, tours, balls, pub crawls, etc., that IMG the divisions simply can’t match. Furthermore, University clubs generally have far larger memberships meaning the chance to meet far more people. For anyone serious about committing their time to a sport they love, BUSA is surely the best option. It offers the best opportunities to train, socialize and compete at a high level. Cut me and I bleed black and red.
It’s not fair to argue that the IMG is full of people picked last at school
By Tim Lewis Sports Editor THERE ARE some people in the university who believe that IMG sport is a poor man’s BUSA, that people play IMG because they are not good enough or fit enough to play university sport. But, there are also people, myself included, who think IMG is the only reason to go to university (ok not quite, but it is damn good). IMG has taken a lot of stick from many people in red and black jackets over the years, but as the scramble for IMG places gets underway for another year, its popularity seems to be stronger than ever. The first myth I want to dispel is that the standard of IMG sport is that far behind the standard of the BUSA league teams. Ok, I will admit that there are some people who play IMG who are rubbish, but that’s not the point, there are also players’ who for whatever reason don’t want to get involved with the university teams and are looking for something a bit more casual. It is not the fault of the players that there is no referee to take control of the game, or that there may not be nets in the goals and that the standard of the pitches can sometimes be a little "water logged". When it’s students officiating games with no real training (and sometimes a lack of basic knowledge of the rules) there are always going to be controversial decisions, but that’s become part and parcel of IMG sport. IMG is certainly not for the faint hearted at times, tackles that would make Roy Keane run home to his mother regularly go unpunished in
BUTCHER: Butchered IMG football and elbows in the face have left many a netball girl with a nice black eye to wear to rubber duck. For many people the matches themselves are only about 50% of the reason to play IMG sport. IMG is all about having a social shirt with a stupid name on the back, knowing there are at least twenty people who look exactly the same as you that can easily be recognised at any time. It is not until you have done a round of pub golf around Cathays and been sick on your mates shoes that you can call yourself real team mates. The play hard, party hard way of the IMG is perfect for anyone who wants to get involved in sport at university and make some awesome new friends.
Sport
October 3 2005
Page 35
sport@gairrhydd.com
BACK TO WINNING WAYS University Hockey team pick up where they left off-with a win in the first game of the new season By Paul Hayes Hockey reporter
would not be able to penetrate until Chris Rhodes drove into the Ottery D and, with some dazzling skill, forced a foul giving Cardiff hope from a set piece. Tom Moore then produced some magic and scored Cardiff’s winning goal. A well worked short corner routine found the left back at the back post with a superb deflection finish. This was his first goal for the University and he has now given Cardiff another dimension.
CARDIFF BEGAN the new season as they finished the last with a victory over Ottery Crickets. With the league season beginning before the freshers arrive, it was always going to be a tough match for the students. After promotion last season, Cardiff find themselves in a strong league. With away matches as far as Cornwall it is essential that maximum points are won in home games. Cardiff set the tempo with a goal in the first five minutes. An impressive attack down the right-hand side saw the Cardiff frontline expose the Ottery defence. Striker Nick Gough found himself free in the D and fired home a powerful reverse stick shot to put the students in front. Cardiff added to their tally ten minutes later. Captain Duncan Courtney threading the ball through to Martin Freshman who neatly tucked the ball past the Ottery goalkeeper to open his account for the season.
It is essential that maximum points are won in home games An excellent first 20 minutes was followed by constant Ottery pressure.
It was only a matter of time before the pressure turned into a goal
EXCELLENT START: Mens hockey continue to impress The Devonshire side pressed forward and forced Cardiff goalkeeper Ian Ferguson to make some fantastic saves. The second half went much the same. Cardiff, who had only three days pre-season training prior to the game, looked rusty and struggled to keep the
CARDIFF RUGBY FIGHT BRAVELY IN NARROW CUP DEFEAT Cardiff University XV 14 - 21 Newcastle Emlyn By Ed Jones Sports Editor CARDIFF WERE KNOCKED out of the Konica Minolta Cup in the first round, losing a bruising encounter with Newcastle Emlyn. A Cardiff XV keen to improve on last year’s first round exit got the aggressive welcome they were expecting from the Welsh third division side. In a violent contest, Cardiff held their own and will take heart from their performance. Newcastle made the better start to the game, taking the lead with an early penalty, soon followed by a converted try. 10-0 down, Cardiff continued to battle and earned their reward with a try from number seven Tom Mocking which was converted by Tom Eastham. With the gap down to three points, Cardiff tried to hang until the break. But a Newcastle penalty shortly before the half-time whistle gave the
home side a 13-7 lead at the interval. The Newcastle lead grew to nine points with the award of another penalty and there was a danger that Newcastle would run away with the tie. But, Cardiff refused to let the game get away from them and responded with a try of their own. Dan Pollard crossed the line for a well worked try before Eastham once again converted. In a poorly officiated and dirty contest, play began to break down as brawls erupted all over the pitch. The Cardiff XV were not to be bullied but Pete Salmon sustained serious injuries when a Newcastle forward landed a right-hook from behind on the Cardiff winger. A jaw broken in two places and face in need of metal implants was the result. Cardiff would hope not to encounter many games like this in the BUSA league this season, but at least it should act as a good warm up to the start of the university rugby season.
ball. Ottery forced mistakes and dominated the game. It was only a matter of time until the pressure turned into goals. Two lapses in concentration gave Ottery two short corners in the second half. Both were converted and a 2-2 draw loomed.
Continued from back page It was a fantastic event for Wales to be staging and offered a chance for Cardiff Bay to showcase its brand new 1500m multilane rowing course. Large crowds gathered to cheer on the local athletes at a facility that is to become their new home. With the club moving to the new Cardiff Bay Water Activity Centre at Channel View, they will have access to 7km of water on which to train. Cardiff University Rowing Club have made giant steps forward in the last 2 years, under the presidency of Dave Burton, but further progress
But Cardiff showed the resolve and determination that brought them success last term. The last 20 minutes witnessed constant Cardiff possession and pressure. Ottery were pinned into their own half and seemed happy to defend for the draw. It seemed as if Cardiff was hindered by the short 1200m stretch at Llandaff where the club has been training. The new facilities are a huge boost to an ambitious club that performed well in BUSA competitions last year. The men’s first eight finished ninth in the BUSA championship and both the first and second fours reached the semi-finals of the championship and BUSA regatta respectively. The women too enjoyed great success. Cardiff finished first in the novice eights and reached the semi-finals of the same event at the BUSA regatta. The women also qualified for Henley for the first time while
SETTING THE STANDARD: Cardiff have excellent new facilities
Captain Duncan Courtney seemed pleased with his team’s performance despite conceding two goals in the second half: "Everyone was a bit rusty; it is always difficult at the start of the season. But we worked hard and we came away with three valuable points". Although Cardiff never reached top gear, there were some promising passages of play. The team are confident that, with the addition of fresher blood, they can repeat the glory of last season and push for promotion to the premiership.
the men’s first eight just failed to qualify. Last year saw the club compete at the Henley Royal Regatta for the first time since 1998 when the club were runners up in the Temple Cup. Men’s boat, bow to stroke: Fraser Munroe, Dave Griffith, Ed Pettinger, Johnny Sykes, John Redman, Phil Culling, Matt Watkins, Nick Christopher, Cox: Samantha Nicholson Women’s boat, bow to stroke: Christine Binns, Kate Evans, Alex Kaw, Jenny Wheat, Nikki Earl, Lucy Alison-Bailey, Sally Orr, Hannah Pole, Cox: Rachael Singleton.
Spor t gair rhydd
Hockey: 2005 Team of the Year enjoy winning start Page 35
RUGBY: 1st XV suffer first round cup defeat Page 35
RO C K ‘N’ ROW Cardiff rowers draw a crowd to the Bay when competing in EU University Championships By Fraser Munro Rowing reporter CARDIFF’S ROWERS were chosen to represent Wales in the first ever European University
Championships held at Cardiff Bay this July. The tournament, to be held every two years, offered Cardiff the opportunity to build on their BUSA success in front of cheering locals. Over the weekend of the 23/24,
the men’s and women’s first eights raced opposition from over 30 universities across 12 different countries. England, France, Germany, Scotland and the Czech Republic all brought strong crews. The field, which included sever-
al international athletes, produced an extremely high standard of rowing. Each multi-lane race was as competitive as the last and provided an excellent spectacle for the travelling and local support. The racing in the 8’s was particularly
hard-fought and both Cardiff crews were extremely satisfied with their achievements. The men’s crew finished eighth and the women’s crew finished sixth.
Story continued on Page 35
GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF UNIVERSITY ■ GWINNET SOLVES IMG CRISIS WITH THREE TEAMS PER GAME ■ GOODMAN WE SEE ENOUGH OF YOUR EXPLOITS, STOP SENDING IN PICTURES ■ MENON, CHRIST ■ HA HA HA HA HA, HE SAID TEABAG ■ DON’T TOUCH ME THERE ■ CHEZ TALYBONT AKA NEW ORLEANS ■ HOUSE STYLES NEED TO BE LEARNT ■ DOES ANYONE KNOW A FAMOUS QUOTE WITH THE WORD WANK IN IT? ■ NEW COMPUTERS NEXT WEEK THANK GOD ■ THE EDITORS CRACKDOWN ON THE WORD C**T MAKES HIM A CUNT ■
Jobs & Money
October 3 2005
Page 33
jobs@gairrhydd.com
Drop-out rates on the rise For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.
SCHOOLS OUT: For longer than summer. By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor
T
he latest figures from the Higher Education Statistics Agency (HESA) suggest that student drop-out rates are on the rise. 7.8% of students starting University in 2002 dropped out after the first year, compared with only 7.3% in 2001. This is a rise of around 1,800 students. The figures claim a further 1,000 mature students also quit their course over the same period. Drop-out rates were overall highest in some Scottish colleges and former polytechnics. In Wales, the highest drop-out rate was 15%, at the University of Glamorgan, compared with 12.5% in Northern Ireland at the University of Ulster. Drop-out rates in England exceeded 15% in London South Bank
University, London Metropolitan University, Liverpool Hope University College and Bolton Institute of Higher Education. Figures showed that 18,565 students dropped out of University or college in the U.K in 2002, compared with just 16,795 students dropping out during the previous year. Higher Education minister Bill Rammell said UK course completion rates were, however, higher than other developed countries. He also said the government continued to encourage low-performing institutions to improve. Support and advice for students at Cardiff University who may be thinking about dropping out can be gained via university counsellors or nightline.
Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Research Assistant Cardiff £9.50 per hour Flexible up to 32 hours per week October Required by a management & training consultancy to collect & record data within a retail envi ronment. Full job description available on request.
Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Part Time Sales Associates x 2 Cardiff £5.75 per hour 16-24 hours per week Ongoing 2 part time staff needed for a luggage & hand accessories company concession based within a department store.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
034
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
033
Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Cast Member Cardiff Bay £5 per hour Various shifts Ongoing Large cinema chain needs staff for ushering, retail and box office work. Evenings and
Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Temporary Christmas Staff Cardiff £5.77 per hour (over 21) Various shifts Ongoing High street retail jewellers is looking for friendly, smiley, trustworthy staff to serve cus tomers.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
031
weekends.
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
032
In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.
Car Owner Drivers Required
Counsellors: - Cathays (029) 2087 4966 - Heath : (029) 2074 2070 Nightline: (029) 2022 3993
SELL YOUR SKILLS Three steps to promoting your skills KNOW WHAT the employer is looking for. If the company has a website, look at it, pick out key words and work out what kind of person they are looking for. Once you have assessed this, figure out what relevent skills you have and how you have demonstrated these skills, either from extra-curricular activities, in your degree studies or from your work experience. If you can, try and talk to employers themselves at a careers fare, for example. WHEN NOTING your skills, draw up two columns. On one side list all of the skills you’ve acquired, and on the other side give examples of how you’ve demonstrated them (or vice-versa). This will make drawing up a C.V easier, as you will clearly be able to see what is relevant. TARGET YOUR CV to suit an employer’s requirements. There’s no use filling your CV with irrelevant information just to fill up the space, as employers will not be interested in this. In the case of competitive jobs, employers will be probably be sent many CVs per day, and will not want a CV that is too long. Employers generally want concise and well-presented CVs that are no more than an A4 page.
Do you own a car? ■ Earn up to £10.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571139 for more information.