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GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

ISSUE 812 MAY 1 2006

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

SEE PAGE 3 FOR DETAILS

SUMMER BALL ACTS REVEALED

S I H G U O N E H G U O EN

Students lose patience with lecturers’ strike action as summer assessments loom

By Tom Wellingham Editor CARDIFF STUDENTS have voted to oppose the ongoing lecturers’ strike action that is currently taking the form of an assessment boycott. Last week, the Student Council voted to continue supporting the legitimacy of lecturers’ pay claims, but refused to support the strike methods used by the Association of University Teachers (AUT) and NATFHE. The Student Council also mandated the Unions’ sabbatical team to sign the open letter currently being sent to Sally Hunt, the AUT’s general secretary, condemning the actions of the teaching unions.

The letter, written by Gaston Dolle, President of Bristol Students’ Union, urges the AUT to target Universities using ‘other forms of protest’ which would be less detrimental to students, such as research, and has now been signed by more than 32 unions nationwide. The result of last Monday’s vote means Cardiff now joins the growing number of unions that are adopting a position on the strike in direct contrast to the NUS’s national policy of support. A stance recently reiterated by President Kat Fletcher who said, “NUS stands firmly by its decision to back both NATFHE and AUT in their call for better pay. “We strongly believe that we are represent-

ing the interest and well being of students by supporting their campaign, as only a wellpaid and highly motivated workforce can deliver the high-quality education that our members expect and deserve.” Despite appearing on BBC Radio 4’s You and Yours programme to defend the National Union’s position, Fletcher now appears to be facing somewhat of a rebellion over the issue with unions in Exeter and Sussex who are apparently now so disillusioned with the National Union that they are threatening to ‘form their own organisation’. All this continues against a backdrop of continuing deadlock at the negotiating table between the AUT and NATFHE and the University & Colleges Employers’

Association (UCEA). The current round of talks, which began last week and are being facilitated by conciliation service ACAS, once again failed to kick-start the process of formal pay negotiations, although AUT and NATFHE representatives did welcome the UCEA ‘admission’ that a new pay offer was needed. With the annual examination period now fast approaching, the prospect of students being seriously affected by the action short of a strike is becoming a very real possibility as the crucial coursework begins to pile up. Cardiff’s Vice-Chancellor, Dr David Grant recently told the Times Higher Education

continued on page 4


News

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May 1 2006

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a glance May 1 2006 News Letters Editorial & Opinion Mickelodeon Politics Grab! Media Science/Environment Health Dear Amber Television Jobs & Money Listings Five Min Fun Sport

1 7 8 9 11 13 15 16 19 20 21 29 30 32 33

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, Georgina Easton, Edward Vanstone SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Rachel McWhinney, Wendy Woodhead, Kieran Harwood, Abi Wise, Corin Rogerson CONTRIBUTORS Katie Kennedy, Rachel Clare, Helen Thompson, Chris White, Mark Panton, Andy Rennison, Nadia Bonjour, Aline Ungewiss, Adam Millward, Dan Fisher, Doug Carn, Fraser Watson, Andrew Saunders, Paul Hunt, David Butler, Ian Furlong, Piers Horner, James Sexton ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

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ANTHRAX ALERT IN WALES By Rachel Clare Reporter TWO COWS at a farm near Cardiff have died from catching anthrax. After a long search for the source of the bacterial infection, Welsh environmental minister Carwyn Jones announced that vets believe a water pool at the farm was the most likely source of the rare disease, although tests are still being carried out.

Clive Francis, farmer of the beef farm in Rhondda Cynon Taf, and his family have been told by officials to stay at the farm until more tests have been undertaken. Two nearby footpaths have been closed, and the dead cows’ carcasses incinerated. Despite these measures, Chief Veterinary Officer for Wales, Dr Christine Glossop, stressed: “We’re confident that we have contained this problem.” She said that there is no health risk to the locals or the wider Welsh population as this farm

is isolated and no animal from the farm has been put into the food chain for almost a year. This is the first outbreak of anthrax in cattle in Britain in four years. An outbreak of anthrax on the same farm thirty-five years ago has led many to believe this is why it has been found again. Active anthrax spores can remain undetected in the ground for decades. No human has died from the disease since 1974.

ANTHRAX: ‘Undetected for decades’

BAAL-JAZEERA Cardiff Uni President faces fines By Katie Kennedy Reporter

AL-JAZEERA has bought the rights to broadcast a Welsh children’s programme across the Middle East about a multi-racial, operasinging family of sheep. All 52 episodes of the Welsh language show The Baaas were bought from S4C for immediate screening, and have been re-dubbed in Arabic after the series was checked for not containing any anti-Islamic subtexts. The family of sheep, whose musical interests range from opera to rap, promote the importance of recycling and family interaction. The series follows the highs and lows of the heads of the family, Greek sheep Costa and his Welsh wife Baalween, and their daughter and grandchildren in their family recycling business. The programmes will be broadcast in countries like Iraq, Libya, Saudi Arabia and Egypt. Anna-Lisa Jenaer, head of children’s programmes for S4C, said: “The Baaas are colourful, entertaining and ultimately fun and we’re delighted they’ll be reaching new audiences in the Middle East thanks to this new deal with al-Jazeera.” It was bought after Sheikha Mozah, the wife of the founder of al-Jazeera and head of al-Jazeera’s new children’s channel, fell in love with the show about musical sheep. A part of the show’s appeal to the

channel is that it portrays an extended family – with older aunts and uncles living in the unit – that reflects the living arrangements of the Muslim world. Al-Jazeera, which has been accused of being a mouthpiece for terrorists, hopes that the new children’s channel will be “a bridge for communication between Arab children and children around the world.” The channel has also bought the right to broadcast the BBC’s animated character Fireman Sam. Nia Ceidiog, producer of The Baaas said: “I was surprised and delighted that our show proved so popular with al-Jazeera. “They wanted a colourful series which depicts the importance of family, citizenship and harmonious relations.”

BAAAS: Welsh Tweenies?

By Dan Ridler News Editor THE PRESIDENT of Cardiff University has been banned from driving for six months following a string of speeding offences. Peer and former Labour party leader Neil Kinnock broke two speed limits on the M4 in 2005 and was sentenced at Abergavenny magistrates court last week. Lord Kinnock had already accumulated nine penalty points for three previous speeding offences. Yesterday he was given a fur- KINNOCK: ‘Genuinely remorseful’ ther six penalty points, bringing Following his sentencing, Lord the total to 15. On top of the ban, he has been Kinnock admitted that he would fined £400 for each offence and struggle to cope without a car but ordered to pay £43 prosecution he also conceded that the penalty was fair. costs. “Speeding is a killer and I have In mitigation, Kerry Gwyther told the court the politician had campaigned all my life against shown ‘genuine remorse’ and had speeding. If you break the speed found himself in an ‘acutely diffi- limit you expect to take the consequences.” cult situation.’


News

May 1 2006

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SUMMER BALL ACTS ANNOUNCED: (LEFT TO RIGHT) CHAPPERS AND DAVE, RACHEL STEVENS, BLOC PARTY DJ SET (REPRESENTED BY SINGER KELE) AND SIMON WEBBE

CELEB EXCLUSIVE + CELEB EXCLUSIVE + CELEB EXCLUSIVE

CWM DANCING A CARDIFF STUDENT has taken a leave of absence from his course after catching a place on BBC’s Strictly Dance Fever. Stewart Mills, a second year biochemistry student and member of Cardiff’s DanceSport society, is through to the third week of danceoffs on the show after scoring highly with the judges in the second round. DanceSport’s events representative Victoria Soman said, “we are all amazingly proud of him, it’s really great.” Stewart, who danced the hustle last week with his dance partner Clare, postponed his course until next year to feature in the show. Stewart has won a number of awards with Cardiff’s DanceSport, including a win in the advanced southern friendly inter-varsity dance in February with his usual partner, Stephanie Smallwood. “He is a very talented dancer,” said Soman, “I’ve become completely obsessed with the show.” Stewart will be dancing again on BBC 1 this Saturday night. To vote for Stewart and Clare call 09011 212403 calls cost 25p.

JOSS FLICKS By Charissa Coulthard News Editor SINGER JOSS STONE has made a cameo appearance in a romantic comedy film made by Cardiff University’s drama society, Act 1. The Devon-born star visited Cardiff to star alongside her sister, law student Lucy Stoker, who plays a psychiatrist in addition to other roles. The two-hour production, entitled Everyone Loves Poutine, had heavy input from both Cardiff University’s Film Society and local film company Fonsetta Films.

Andrew Rolands, writer and director for Act 1, said: “We were very lucky that Joss wanted to be a part of the film. It was done as an alternative to a theatre play and is the first film I have made. “We have really enjoyed the experience and hope to make more films in the future.” The rom-com follows the story of a character’s torn decision between loyalty to his father’s unethical company and his attraction to one of the protesters. All profits from DVD sales are going to help set up a student costume rental section at student-orientated Save the Children on Albany Road, Cardiff.

ORIGINALS: Stills of Joss in her cameo Cardiff appearance


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ONE DOWN, ONE TO GO ! Athletic Union President announced after two week delay ! Presidential candidate still under investigation By Helen Thompson Reporter THE ANNOUNCEMENT of all six members of next year’s sabbatical team is still incomplete due to delays in the vote count for Union President. Over the Easter break, James Woodroof won the position of Athletic Union President with 1,793 – over 500 more than his competitors – after two weeks of waiting. The count had been suspended while candidate Paul Hunt underwent disciplinary proceedings. It was allowed to recommence when he was found not guilty by the committee. Woodroof will join Kate Dobbs,

continued from front page Supplement that he would potentially be in favour of striking deals with AUT and NATFHE members at a local level in order to get institutions like Cardiff back to functioning normally. Whether cutting a pay deal at a local level would be possible or not in Cardiff’s case, it is an option rejected nationally by AUT and NATFHE headquarters who argue that smaller universities would be unable

Kate Monaghan, Perri Lewis and Ed Jones in running of the Students’ Union in September. The count for President is currently suspended while one of the candidates awaits a hearing of the Appeals Panel set to take place on May 5.

Athletic Union President

James Woodroof How did you feel about winning? I was on cricket tour in Sri Lanka when I got a text message from one of my mates saying that I'd won. I was with a few cricket guys at the time, and we shared a 'moment'! It was pretty weird; I was on of a golf course in the middle of a jungle, and I was getting the news about getting a job in the Union. It was a long wait to find out the result, but it was worth it. I'm so glad that I never have to wear that bloody cowboy outfit again! I'm stoked about the job, I'm well up for the challenge and can't wait to get in the mixer!

to offer acceptable pay deals which would, as a result, disadvantage their members at these institutions. Alongside this, institutions across the UK are starting to acknowledge that the ongoing industrial action by lecturers is beginning to have an effect on their continuing operations. This week Sheffield University announced that it had received less than 60 per cent of the scheduled

examination papers for this summer’s exams, as lecturers have refused to set papers as part of their action short of a strike. Staff at Keele have accused their institution of a ‘scandalous’ compromise of academic standards after the university’s senate agreed plans to allow students to graduate from their degree schemes providing they had completed a minimum of two thirds of their final year. How Cardiff University intend to

cope with any fallout from the ongoing action in the form of an assessment or script backlog, or more seriously, a failure to have the required number of examination papers set by staff, remains unclear. Options being considered could include drafting in retired staff to mark scripts, delaying graduation ceremonies or even simply not taking final examination marks into account and instead relying on those produced throughout the year.

Cardiff students are being invited to send their unmarked coursework to Vice-Chancellor Dr David Grant to encourage him to begin pay talks with striking lecturers. Simply cut out the message below and post a copy of your unmarked coursework to Dr Grant.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

MAYHEM DESCENDED on the NUS Annual Conference when a famously disorganised, blonde-haired, randy, political sex-icon came face to face with Boris Johnson. Boris is believed to have been bemused by the experience, allegedly commenting “Huh... what, I didn’t realise I had a love child... oh, no, I don’t! What a terribly conceited inverted pyramid of piffle. Give that man a coconut.” Onlookers must have thought they were seeing double.

Although Cardiff students remain supportive of their lecturers’ pay claims, last Monday’s Student Council vote shows that they do not support the means which are currently being used to achieve the lecturers’ objectives. While lecturers maintain that students are not the intended targets of their industrial action, the fact remains that being caught in the crossfire may see them seriously disadvantaged by default.

Dr David Grant 1 Ivory Towers Vice-Chancellor's Office Cardiff University Main Building Park Place Cardiff CF10 3AT

Dear Vice-Chancellor, Enclosed is a copy of my unmarked coursework to remind you of the effect that the AUT strike is having on my degree. I hope that this will prompt you to negotiate with members of the striking unions. Yours........................................................ (A fee-paying Cardiff student)


News

May 1 2006

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A struggle to survive A Cardiff student talks to gair rhydd as he recuperates from a deadly form of meningitis... By Caroline Farwell News Editor A CARDIFF student is recovering from meningitis after being repeatedly turned away by doctors who overlooked his illness. The first-year business student, who lives at home in Penarth, says he is lucky to be alive after doctors thought he was only suffering from a virus. “I can’t believe that two doctors turned me away before anything was done about it, it’s just not good enough. “A few hours were critical to my condition and just because I didn’t have all of the symptoms it doesn’t mean that I was okay.” The 22-year-old, who wishes to remain anonymous, first became concerned when he woke up on Monday March 13 feeling overly tired and suffering from a ‘seriously bad’ headache. Later that day his temperature rose to 38º C and he had a stiff neck. So after calling an out-of-hours surgery, his mother took him to Barry Hospital. “I was told by the doctor to go home and feel sorry for myself because I wasn’t showing all the symptoms linked to meningitis and was probably suffering from a virus. “So that night I went home, but I didn’t sleep much and spent most of the night vomiting. “In the morning I woke up with a

rash all over my body. My mum was seriously worried and she called another out-of-hours phone surgery, but they again told her that I was probably suffering from a virus. “At this point I was dizzy, delusional and unable to walk properly, so my mum had to take me to my local doctor’s surgery first thing in the morning. “At the surgery I was examined by a nurse and they rolled a glass over my rash to test for meningitis. Even

“My headache was so painful it made every heartbeat hurt” though it disappeared unlike most meningitis rashes do, they immediately sent me to the Heath Hospital in Cardiff where I was told doctors would be expecting me” At the university hospital he underwent a series of blood tests, scans and X-Rays and was eventually given a course of antibiotics. “I was very delusional and had a temperature of 40ºC. I can’t remember much, but my headache was so painful it made every heartbeat hurt. “I was kept in the isolation unit and given loads of drugs. My weight went down to eight stone and I was really confused and had a fever.

“I spent two or three days in intensive care and after that I slowly but surely recovered.” He is now back at university but is taking things slowly: “I still have to decide what I’m doing about my exams and I’m really drained and get tired easily. “But I am the safest person to be around because of all the drugs they gave me in hospital.” He is now keen to promote awareness of meningitis and make sure people know what to do if they are in a similar situation. “Just a few hours were critical to my condition and I want to make sure people go to the doctor straight away if they have similar symptoms. Even if they get turned away and even if they don’t have all of the symptoms, it is important that people know not to go home and potentially let it get worse. “It’s particularly important for students to be aware, especially living in halls together where the possibility of contracting the disease is high if there is an outbreak. “I was very reassured by the way the university handled the incident. The high levels of publicity alerted students of the situation and increased awareness. “The Student Support Officers have also given me some really good advice and have been so kind and helpful. “It has given me a different look on life, I’m so lucky to be alive and now I know there really is a God!”

DEADLY: The meningitis virus

Shrinking violence Drink and think By Rachel Clare Reporter A NEW report by Cardiff University has shown that

casualty departments across England and Wales saw a seven per cent drop in violent cases in 2005. The report also estimates that 42,000 fewer assault victims were

treated by Accident and Emergency services compared to the previous year. These new findings continue a trend which saw a 13 per cent drop in violence from 2000 to 2004. The Universitys’ Violence Research Group said that there is no clear reason why this had occurred but said it could be because of better policing and community work. Among other findings, the report also found that males aged between 18 and 30 remain most at risk from violence, and that the 31-50 age group is the only group where violence-related injuries have not fallen. This research was conducted to provide a fresh NHS perspective on violence because the figures coming from police and other surveys can sometimes be confusing. Professor Shepherd, whose work on violence includes campaigning for non-glass bottles and glasses at pubs and clubs, said: “It is reassuring to know that violence really is coming down.”

By Caroline Farwell News Editor

CARDIFF BARS are being urged to stop serving drunk people after research found men in the city drink an average of eight pints of lager in a night out. A year-long study into binge drinking in Cardiff asked drinkers to take part in a breath test as part of an ongoing drive to promote sensible drinking in the city. The Cardiff Community Safety Partnership figures showed some drinkers to be four times over the drink drive limit by the end of the night. The Lion’s Breath project also found that women drinkers consumed on average around five glasses of wine a night. Over twelve months, nearly 900 people gave a breath test and more than 900 others answered survey questions. Professor Jonathan Shepherd, who chaired the research said: “The project has proved to be ground-breaking

and has helped to provide an invaluable insight into the make-up and impact of a major city centre’s nighttime economy. “I am keen now for the projects’ legacy to be one that informs the police, local authority, NHS and other partners for future strategies, but also for licensees, retailers and those who socialise, to be more aware of the issues that can affect their business and daily lives.” Dr Simon Moore, from Cardiff University’s violence and society research group said: “Although the nature of city centre drinking is enourmously complex, the project has, for the first time in the UK, sought to understand some of the key factors that affect the wellbeing of those who socialise in Cardiff.”


Letters

May 1 2006

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gair rhydd letters pages It’s raining outside and you’ve eaten a mountain of chocolate eggs. Normally this isn’t necessarily a bad situation, except that the reason you’re stuck inside in this instance is that you’re revising for your first exam. Welcome back to the ‘Diff for the final semester of the academic year. With exams now fast approaching it’s no wonder you’ve made your way straight to the letters page for a bit of cheering up. Fear not then, as we have a host of letters which have arrived over the Easter break. Get a brew on and take five. Tom.

Rules of the road I FELT COMPELLED to write in hoping to maybe make more people aware of the dangers faced by many students every day. I think it is excellent that so many students cycle to university every day, the benefits to their health and the environment are excellent without considering the extra money they can save on buses, taxis etc. I must point out though that so many seem to not realise the dangers of riding a bike. Very few people seem to wear helmets or have lights on their bikes in the dark. You can buy a helmet for under £20 but you can’t put a price on your life! I also think that cyclists on the road would get much more respect if more people followed the highway code. So many people on bikes feel that they do not need to obey any rules. The result is they are a danger on the road. It is people like this who are losing the respect from drivers that the responsible cyclists out there deserve. Thousands of accidents happen on our roads every year. Need I bring up the tragic accident in which multiple cylists from a semi-professional club, were killed in Rhyl (North Wales) earlyer this year? This tragedy happened to semi-professional or past professional cyclists, who would have been riding proficiently with the correct equipment. What kind of injuries could happen to a person who is not safe on a bike due to no lights or helmet? Also some people may be endangering themselves and other road users by incorrect use of the roads, increasing their chance of an accident further. I know that what I am saying applies to not only students, but everyone nationwide who rides a bike without correct

consideration to thier safety. I just think that if supposedly intelligent people can set the example first that others may follow. Sarah, Cathays

Election response IMMATURE AND blatantly arrogant were the least offensive words that came to my mind as I read one columnist’s criticism of the new Welsh Affairs Officer in issue 811 of the gair rhydd. The entire foundation of his criticism is ludicrous and I feel that this columnist shows complete cultural ignorance and insensitivity with his offensive opinions. Few would argue that it is unacceptable for the candidate for Welsh Affairs Officer in the University of Wales, Cardiff (the capital city of Wales, for those who don’t know) to show pride in his nationality and to address the people whom his policies most concern in the language that a large number of them are most comfortable speaking. However, Welsh-speakers are continually bombarded with criticism for being awkward, rude or just a pain in the arse. Surely, it is no more acceptable (or funny) to criticise the Welsh than it is to comment on any nationality, race or religion. All this columnist has proved is how narrow-minded and ‘obnoxious’ (to use the word he bestowed on the candidate) this opinion really is. Several readers will cast this letter aside as another Welsh nationalist rant but hopefully the reasonable among you can sympathise with fellow students who are being judged for using their own language in their own capital city. It beggars belief that a certain

Text: 07791165837 Nige is masturbating over his new snooker que.

Rape eyes, stop looking at me.

Viking hat for sale. 888 votes. FSH. Big horn. One careful owner.

Mike and Guy completed 24: The Game in 48 hours. Sorry Jack, we’ve let you down.

Ginge u r my 9 to 5 hero.

Whats that freaky smell at 6, wellfield place?

Lucian was robbed. Wei is a god, all worship him and his big chemistry breakfast! Five minuite fun? Plus the five hours of pain it takes to finish it. Sian is a cunt.

Colesy, why keep denying you’ve got a girlfriend Allyn is a man whore! Rumour has it that i’m too drunk to go to the un i on.

letter of the week Imperialised I’M A THIRD-YEAR student, so I’m fully aware that lots of students encounter problems with letting agencies. However, my recent experience with Imperial has compelled me to warn others about this particularly dubious agency. After we decided to take one of their houses, we contentedly paid our agency fee of £65 each. As soon as we handed over the money, they revealed their rather unconventional arrangements for rent payment. We were told to set up a house account and, according to them, it could be in all six of our names. On the day of the signing, we were expected to hand over seven post-dated cheques for the year’s rent, totalling around £15,000 in one go, as well as over £2,000 in cash for all our bonds. minority of students are so blinkered to the Welsh-speaking community around them; a community where friends communicate in Welsh and (Heaven forbid!) prefer communicating in Welsh. This condemnation of the Welsh language is obviously a poor attempt at comedy from a columnist who quite evidently can’t think of anything more original or clever to write. Annoyed first year WITH REGARD to Mickelodeon’s Manifesto Massacre… Balls to you! Granted, election week is a big, fat, hairy pain in the arse for anyone who dares set foot on campus, let alone visit Rubber Duck or Come Play, but this massacre shows just how short of material you really were. The idea of awards is inspired, but has unfortunately been padded with a load of bollocks! The ‘Least Grasp Of How The Union Works Award’ should go to Mickelodeon himself, and renamed, ‘I can’t think of anything good to write, so I will stick my nose up the bum of gair rhydd’s and pretend I know everything’. The statement, ‘if you want to make changes… put in the hours to earn respect, is the best example of a double standard I have seen in a long time. If that is not what election candidates do, then fuck me, I must have been on a different planet last week. Respect is a word Mickelodeon probably doesn’t understand, given his blatant lack of it, highlighted in his outmoded sexist attack of the two bloody hard working, rightfully elected candidates running for gair rhydd and Quench Editor. If they have any sense, they will replace you with something more informative! It was also apparent that in his article, Mickelodeon mainly chose to criticise, and name, the female candidates. Is this linked to why he considered the Dr Kate campaign to be the second worst of the entire week, as opposed to ‘Ross the Hoff’, whose campaign consisted mainly of gyrating his only partially-obscured penis in the faces of voters, instead of explaining his manifesto policies?

We were assured that this system worked smoothly and, after having just given them nearly £400 in agency fees, we weren’t exactly willing to pull out. But we’ve since been strongly warned against using postdated cheques as they can potentially be cashed before the dates. The banks have also told us that an account can be set up in a maximum of two people’s names. Not surprisingly, none of us wanted to be responsible for overdraft charges in case loans or standing orders were delayed, or to trust someone in our house with all that money. The fact that Imperial wanted random sums of money at irregular times in the year put us off even more. They claimed that by nabbing three months’ worth of rent off us in October when loans came through was a precaution against us running out of money later in the term. Am I being blonde, but isn’t that the reason why we have guarantors to pay As for ‘The Most Absurd Promise Award’, what a pile of freshly produced shit. If Mickelodeon had done ANY research at all, he would realise that a motion has already been passed through Student Council addressing the need for an on campus GUM clinic. It may seem to be 37,654 miles away from the capabilities of an Education and Welfare Officer, but it is the job of the Sabb team to make the University a better place. So feel free to personally attend to your own diseased scrote, while people who genuinely care about improving the lives of Cardiff students are elected to make the changes you can only be arsed to whine about, rather than sitting on your arse, ripping the piss out of them. I would have thought that as political editor, Mickelodeon would have had at least some idea of how student elections work. In an ideal world, candidates would not have to stand and shout for the attention of students, dress up in stupid outfits, or construct manifestos that appeal to students. But they are like that, and always will be. Yes, people get pissed off, and yes, candidates should be made more aware that manifesto policies are an integral part of the democratic process, and as such, should not be filled with bullshit. Unfortunately, drivel like the ‘manifesto massacre’ is a waste of people’s time, and a waste of ink. Election candidates MICKEL SAYS: I don’t have the slightest problem with the Welsh language, and I never attacked it, if you bothered to read it properly. But as the candidate will know full well, manifestos are about showing ideas. If 95% of people can’t understand it then there’s no way we can tell whether he may or may not be the right person for the job. To the second letter - which represents none of the many election candidates that I know - the new gair rhydd and Quench editors both okayed the article, plus I helped one of them put together their mainfesto. I know full well what it’s like on the election trail; I helped out on it myself, so don’t lecture me about it. And I’ll deal with this GUM clinic nonsense on my page.

on our behalf? Obviously, Imperial have had trouble with students in the past, but I’m sure that the interest they can receive off that kind of lump sum makes up for it. They refused to negotiate over the rent system and would not allow us to pay by Direct Debit in monthly installments instead, as we’d been doing for the past two years. As this was not the only area in which they’d come across as unprofessional, we decided to back out of signing minus our agency fees and find a house that we really wanted to live in. Overall, we’ve found them to be a patronising, underhand and thoroughly dodgy agency. Be warned - if you decide to go with Imperial, you’ll be expected to put a hell of a lot of trust in a company that sees you as a four-figure sum, rather than a human being. Angry third year

Campaign clean up

AS USUAL, the campaigners in the student union elections have urged us to vote to ‘create a better union’. I have to say the campaigns were impressive. But I had nagging doubts all the way through. There were people putting apples in all manner of places, cutting out bits of tin foil, hanging CDs on trees, balloons on railings and bits of paper with their names on EVERYWHERE. Are they gonna clean up after themselves? Perhaps, predictably enough, the answer is no. It's now quite a while after the event, and there are still CDs on trees, apples and bits of paper everywhere, and balloons on railings. What is the point of that? Do the campaigners really think that people living in this neighbourhood like to live in a rubbish dump of student union making? Have they thought about any of the green issues involved, or the cost of council employees having to pick all this crap up again? I would hazard a guess that quite probably they did not think at all. Clichè as it is, these are simply people quite happy to put themselves at the centre of attention, but unable to think through the consequences of their actions for others and, most clichèd of all, unable to clean up their own rubbish. Remind me why I was meant to vote for them? Grumpily yours

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then your in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also feel free to note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.


Editorial & Opinion

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May 1 2006

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gair rhydd

Finding Feminism

FREE WORD Chris White explores his new found feminism and Industrial action The passing of a motion mandating the Union Executive to campaign against the ongoing AUT and Natfhe assessment boycott at last Monday’s Student Council, is an expression of discontent the striking lecturers of Cardiff must have feared for some time. However, it is vitally important to be clear on this issue: Cardiff students’ have only ever, officially, supported the original one-day strike which took place on March 7 this year. So to suggest that this is a massive change to existing student policy would be erroneous. It is simply the case that until now there has not been an official stance adopted by the student body regarding the situation. The official position of Cardiff Students is one of support for the goals of their lecturers’ industrial action, the differences apparently now manifesting themselves relate to the way in which the lecturers aim to achieve these goals. It is fair to say that we are now nearing a time when Cardiff students will start to become seriously affected by the on-going pay dispute between lecturers and employers. With crucial end of year exam papers not being written, let alone marked even if the exams are sat at all, it becomes increasingly hard to see the situation in a positive light. The vast majority of Cardiff students work hard for their degree schemes and being penalised for getting caught in the middle of a dispute which is not of their making, is leaving them with a bitter taste in their mouths, a fact they are now driving driving home to their lecturers. The faith of every student who may potentially be affected must now placed in the hand of those at the negotiating table. At the negotiating table however, progress remains slow. Despite recent admissions by the University Employers Association (UCEA) that an improved offer is required, it remains illusive and unforthcoming. The only sure way to begin moving away from the slow slide towards chaos, which is the route this dispute currently looks like taking, is to get both sides talking once again. Lecturers say students are not their targets and that they deplore taking this action. Students deplore being the unintentional the targets of the lecturers action. And above all this sit the employers. With the whole sector in danger of grinding to a gradual halt, now is surely not the time for accounting games. It is time for the leaders of the institutions to put an offer on the table worthy of discussing in order to bring this sorry episode to an end before things begin to get seriously out of hand.

critiques the current laws surrounding rape

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he time has come to step out of the closet and confess that I am not like other boys: I am a feminist. This was first pointed out to me six months ago, when a friend deployed the F-word. Disinclination to agree stemmed partly from the inevitable sneering from some quarters, partly because it precludes ever getting a job in a large proportion of the magazine industry. Mostly, however, it was the male stereotype of the average feminist: pathological misandrists that believe everyone with a Y-chromosome is a sex-crime waiting to happen. But most feminists aren’t like that, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to regard such a caricature of men with scepticism. Yet closer examination suggests that such men are perhaps common: neighbours in pub toilets boasting, straight-faced, “I just told this girl I was going to rape her”; a friend’s former cellmate who, after an argument with his girlfriend, inserted a knife into her – gynaecologically; an acquaintance who admits to having refused a mid-coital request to stop. One wouldn’t expect such characters to have penetrated the Home Office, however. It is certainly easy to picture Charles Clarke – the man who Google (UK) ranks top of a search for “rancorous thug” thanks to Matthew Norman’s spectacular character assassination in the Independent – salivating over a copy of Nuts. But surely Clarke can’t be among the legions of men who believe that victims of sexual assaults are ‘overreacting’? Plans to restructure sentencing and ‘punish’ those convicted of date rape with community sentences suggests so. The alternative explanation – one befitting an administration so shamelessly anti-individual that they apparently can’t tell us apart without our DNA and life history on piece of plastic - is that their principle concern is statistics. Lesser sentences mean an unsure jury is more likely to put aside doubt and return a ‘guilty’ verdict. The conviction rate increases and the Government improves its image.

Consent given under the influence of alcohol is no longer deemed consent at all The ploy would be consistent with other new measures. Those accused of rape must now provide evidence that consent was given, uniquely shifting the burden of proof to the defence and violating the established principle of ‘innocent until proven guilty.’ Further, consent given while under the influence of alcohol is no longer deemed to be consent at all. (If an inebriated woman is not sufficiently compus mentis to consent to sex then how an equally sozzled man can be held criminally accountable is unclear.) The one conviction-increasing tactic

influence them. That FHM could never again have Chris Barrie on the cover, as they did ten years ago, is a reflection of what its readers want. In turn what its readers want is driven by the same changes in culture whose other byproducts are such sexualising of advertising that even paint must be provocative; popular music dealing almost exclusively with sex, whereas a generation ago the dominant theme was love, though with definite sexual undertones; and the ever-increasing nastiness of professional pornography. Chief among these is disappearance of the traditional model of ‘manliness.’ John Wayne is hilariously anachronistic; ‘man’s work’ no longer exists; and the captain of the England football team not only behaves on the pitch as what his boyhood heroes would have labelled “a nancy”, but off it he wears a skirt. The pastiche of manhood that pervades lads’ mags exists to fill the gap until we just lie down and accept it. It does so primarily by defining ‘male’ as ‘not female’, and so for men to be men, women must be what men think they should be. Such definition by contradistinction

It is emphatically not a woman’s fault if she is raped FEMINISM: It’s for brothers, too. inciting the most female ire is the recently-revealed figure that last year 40 men admitting to having committed rape were let off with cautions. It beggars belief that a ‘slap on the wrist’ could ever be deemed appropriate ‘punishment’ for what used to be considered the most serious crime after murder. So much for “Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime.” The former is easy: send convicted rapists to prison, for a long time - but within the same legal framework as every other crime, even if the low conviction rate cannot be improved. The latter is a thornier issue: the causes of sexual violence are not readily apparent. (In fact, ‘sexual violence’ ought to be quite oxymoronic.) We could simply accept the claim of Val in Marilyn French’s novel The Womens’ Room: that “all men are rapists and that’s all they are,” (see ‘male stereotype of feminism,’ above) but it’s as unsubstantiated as saying ‘all white people are racists.’ And yet there are elements of society accepted as institutionally racist. Given that the police investigate five times as many sexual attacks as they do racially-motivated ones, perhaps if there is any endemic prejudice it is institutional misogyny. Pervasive chauvinism can at least explain the tendency to blame victims of gender violence, as Wall Street Journal commentator Naomi Riley did last week. Whatever the reasons, it is emphatically not a woman’s fault if she is raped. That much is obvious to me, though it seems others agree with Riley: an

Amnesty poll recorded that 34% of respondents believe a woman is partly at fault if she is raped if she has behaved flirtatiously. Presumably they also believe that banks that find themselves being robbed should have known better than to handle large sums of money. Nevertheless, women – or rather some of them – share responsibility in negating the re-education of men. The “rudies” (to quote the infant son of Loose Women panellist Denise Welch) gracing the covers of a large proportion of the magazine industry may believe that they are expressing every liberated woman’s right to express herself sexually. It is however not a sexuality of her own making: “getting them out for the lads” is precisely that – a tacit submission to a phallocentric idea of femininity that encourages men to view women as objects that exist solely for male delectation. Well, freedom is slavery and all that. Amid plans for men’s magazines to be veiled with Sainsbury’s covering up raunchy front pages, the Guardian’s Alok Jha claimed that “lad culture corrupts men.” Given the attitude of Denise Welch’s son, maybe he has a point. On the whole, though, the media respond to consumers more than they

against another is an inevitable result of allowing accidents of birth to form an integral part of one’s identity. Just as nationality and race in a small number of cases lead to nationalism and racism, sex leads to sexism. Just as nationalism and racism in a small number of cases causes trouble, so does sexism: psychologist Christopher Kilmartin compiled a list of the prerequisites for violence to exist, and lack of identification with the victim was number one. How do you ‘get tough’ on that? You can’t. For some people, that kind of tribalist search for others like themselves is inevitable as soon as they realise they are separate from their mother in early infancy. Not I. I’m a man, but just like my nationality (English), age (23), race (white), it’s just what I am. Who I am is an altogether more complicated affair. Inter alia: a guitarist, a football fan, a republican, an atheist. And a feminist.


Comment

May 1 2006

Page 9

mickelodeon@gairrhydd.com

MICKELODEON Simon Hoggart s toilet buddy

Arts with a capital F

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t’s no secret that politicians love a good acronym. Without DEFRA and MI5, Quangos and the DFI, some politicians wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. But none hold a torch to the total alphabet soup that is arts management in Wales. There are documented cases of people actually going mad when having to go from the ACW to the NAW, and from the BBC NOW to the WNO. The Assembly Government has in the past year started a fundamental reorganisation of the whole stinking pile of them. As an idea, it seems great - cut through the postdevolution mess of dozens of instititutions that manage arts for a population of just 2.9 million people. Some of the changes are the standard sort of institutional rearragements that you’d expect from a government that likes to look busy.

Without acronyms, some politicians wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning

But some of the decisions are truly damaging. Currently, the ‘Big Six’ art institutions in Wales, including the National Opera and literary agency Academi, are funded through the Arts Council Wales. The Assembly Government has put in plans to fund them directly. The popular Arts Council chair, Geraint Talfan Davies, was opposed to the decision. And when his reappointment in the post was due, Alan Pugh decided to replace him, to the opposition of absolutely everyone else involved. From the opposition parties in the Assembly itself who have defeated a Government motion on the issue, to every member of Arts Council Wales many of whom are reportedly on the verge of resigning - the Government is standing alone on pushing forward with the changes. What may seem like a minor institutional change could make major changes in future. If any government decided that, for example, a book being supported by Academi was controversial, then the Government could prevent it from going ahead, as they would now directly hold the pursestrings for the body. The end result of this aspect of the Government’s ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’ is potential censorship in the arts. Beyond the Arts Council Wales fiasco, there are other bodies where similar strange things have been afoot. The Welsh film body Sgrin, despite

Q&A

NHS Deficits With Patricia Hewitt

SPARTSTIC: Alan Pugh (left), Geraint Talfan Davies (right) and the Millennium Centre an excellent record, was replaced with new set-up Ffilm. At the time of handover a month ago, no-one at The Hub - yet another body that was put in charge of the handover - could even say why Sgrin needed replacing. Many rumours came out of Sgrin in its dying days at the end of March that people were not happy with the situation. But considering their staff were interested in getting into the new Ffilm, and out of fear that the same thing would happen to them that happened to Geraint Talfan Davies, nothing was ever confirmed.

The end result of the Government’s ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’ is potential censorship in the arts So what are we to make of everything that’s gone on? There’s little to doubt that Alan Pugh’s decision was out of a concern to help the arts. But whilst he may be making decisions to help get the arts into working-class areas - as he has claimed - there is no guarantee that future culture ministers would be so restrained. Whatever his perspective on what is going on, there’s no excuse for refusing to reappoint Mr Davies. That alone smacks of an abuse of power that raises serious questions over whether Mr Pugh should remain in his job. Wales is still stuck with a complicated set up that wastes instead of invests money in the arts. This latest affair has done nothing to improve that.

Gummy mares

Q: Is the NHS in serious financial trouble? A: Ha ha, no! You crazy! Hear my laugh at how foolish a question you ask: a hahahahaha! Q: But what about the hospitals that are laying off staff because their deficits are so deep? A: They’re only running a bit of a deficit, which is effectively like not running one at all. Apart from the ones that are in quite a bit of deficit, but they’re only in quite a bit of deficit because we’ve given them lots of money. Q: Wouldn’t these problems never have developed if you properly managed how you put money into the NHS in the first place? A: Look, this government has put more money into the NHS than anyone else. Now what do you want, us or the Tories? Hmmmmm? Why, just last week David Cameron said he wanted to boil babies.

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ur blessed letters page only and women respectively. Considering has so much space to take how underfunded the field is, there is in the writings of madmen, not going to be any money from the so I’d like to go into the GUM clin- government to finance a university ic comments of the ‘election can- project without taking it away from the community. didates’ a little deeper. So what is the end result of this? Not wanting to rake over the elections too much, the letter claims that As a result of not having bothered to Student Council is addressing the do their research in a piece of preelection motion-writing, the longneed for an on-campus GUM clinic. That in itself is completely true. In term prospects of the whole project a completely coincidental piece of are now completely undermined. And in relation to the casual accutiming right before the election, the Kates Monaghan and Dobbs decided sations slung throughout the letter: I to put forward before Council a can promise both Officers that I’ve motion to campaign for a GUM clin- done more for students in this university than the two of them put togethic to be set up on the university site. er. The expletive-filled lies But perhaps they would and personal accusations like to do their research that were written into the properly. The motion paper from people that was hidden amongst don’t have the first several seperate points, idea who I am, are meaning it couldn’t be hardly the behaviour properly discussed in that suits elected offiCouncil. Just as they cials. didn’t bother consultThere’ll be more on ing many of the relethis topic in Quench vant bodies in the Debate next week, Union before drafting when both sides will be the motion, many of duelling it out. the potential problems with the project were not flagged up at an early stage. The nearest GUM clinic already has a six and eight week waiting list for men NO HELP: Mystery disease gone unsolved

PATRICIA HEWITT: cares Q: David Cameron wants to boil babies? A: You’ve heard that too? Then it’s true! Plus, my car is greener than his. Q: Those nurses over there – are they booing you? A: No, they’re booing the Tories, who stood on nurses faces and raped doctors for 18 years. Q: That’s not really true, is it? A: Look, the important thing is waiting lists are shorter than under those baby-boiling, face-standing Tories. Now what’s more important, truth or waiting lists? Q: Well, truth… A: Nevermind that, look over there! Charles Clarke is setting free people who are drug dealers AND immigrants! And John Prescott is sleeping with people! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an appointment to get off scot-free from all my mismanagement.


Politics

May 1 2006

Page 11

politics@gairrhydd.com

Driving up prices By Mark Panton Political Correspondent

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t seems only a few days ago when I started driving. All was wonderful, and petrol was a mere 74 pence per litre…it was all good way back then. But it wasn’t way back; this was just under two years ago, and now that we are about to see petrol prices rise, yet again, where have all the petrol protesters gone? Six years ago, truckers nationwide brought the country to a near standstill, blockading fuel distribution in protest over the rising prices at the pumps. What’s more, despite endless queues at forecourts everywhere from Salcombe to Sutton Coldfield, the protests were largely met with public support. Lorrywielding beefcakes were not the only people angry over fuel. So how is it that now, with prices reaching far greater heights than ever

before, protests are confined to paltry internet petitions and whiney Greenpeace activists? Well, thing is, the prices may yet again be on the up, but not only have the causes of these hikes changed from 2000, the culture that’s absorbing them has too. Before, the government’s escalator system of steadily increasing fuel duty more and more every year was what irritated all those burly trucker folk. But over the last few years, petrol tax, though still high, has been raised more moderately and occasionally frozen altogether. The reasons behind the current hikes are largely beyond the control of Britain, much to the smirking relief of the Chancellor. Frictions in many oilhappy nations, from Iraq to Nigeria, from Iran to the Gulf of Mexico, have sent the price of an oil barrel rocketing on the stock market. Not helping matters are China and

FORECOURT: demand for oil in Asia is giving some the hump

India. The former, in slowly shedding the retarded confines of Communism, has opened itself up to beacons of imported democracy, such as the new Ford Focus. A billion new petrolheads hasn’t done the demand for petroleum any favours. And to the south, tens of millions of Indians are reaping the benefits of call centre salaries to buy shiny new Mazdas, superceding rickshaws and the occasional goat. All this means the price of a barrel has risen around threefold over the last three years. Inevitably, this increase has filtered through to the forecourts of the UK. In a nutshell, the government, and any other fuel-based entity in Britain can wipe their hands of responsibility when the pumps hit a pound a litre. If the haulage monkeys want to protest, they’ll have to go abroad. But deeper than this factor is the shift in the public mood since 2000. ‘Green’ is a buzzword these days, and almost everybody is conscious of the environment and the effect cars are having on it. You know that ‘Green’ is in vogue when the Tory leader goes all the way to Norway just to ride eco-friendly huskies whilst making profound points about global warming and melting glaciers. An increasing portion of the populace, though still angry at the higher cost of driving, are shrugging it off as either ‘inevitable’ or even ‘understandable’; some drivers are even considering buying a Toyota Prius. Christ almighty. But every bandwagon has its limit. The British public may be getting greener, but we’re not fully-fledged sandal-wearing hippies just yet. If the cost of a fill-up continues to rise, it’s only a matter of time before we see cracks in the green paintjob.

REVEL-NATION By Andy Rennison Political Editor

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ou know you’re getting old when the conversation turns towards weddings. However distant a memory Freshers’ may be, surely there can be no justification for discussing such a grown-up topic whilst still living the student dream of daytime TV and Tesco ready meals. But as hateful as it may be, just when you’ve started to acclimatise to the relatively adult world of university education, thoughts and fears of adventures yet to come pop into your head. The scariest of these must be the remote possibility of friends one day marrying off. Forget graduation or job promotion; the day I feel ancient is the day that a groom is three months my junior. And yet there is one part to this nightmare of maturity that goes some way to dispelling any terror: the prospect of stag weekends. Stag weekends – no longer just

always been there the next morning to bail out those in trouble, free of charge. Until now. A public spending watchdog has called for British consulates to charge battle-weary Britons for their assistance. Currently, consulates have the capacity to charge £84.50 per hour for help with hospital fees or bail requirements, but this power is rarely exerted. Last year embassies provided assistance in 84,000 cases, but only demanded a fee in 323 of these. This recent report has called on all consulates to apply their powers more frequently, particularly with those who have drunk their way into trouble or who have neglected to carry identification or travel insurance. The shift in policy could raise millions of pounds for the Foreign Office; British revellers spend over £400 million on stag and hen nights abroad each year, yet one of the primary reasons for the hourly charge being rarely used is that those in need rarely have cash to hand.

LEGLESS: Britons abroad often wake up in need of an embassy nights, but entire weekends dedicated to reckless abandon, the last hoorah of the student spirit. The end of my degree and all the juvenile delinquency that goes with it doesn’t scare me, as long as the gap between graduation and mid-life crisis is peppered with the occasional prenuptial bender.

Stag weekends - the last hoorah of the student spirit Reassuringly, the EU with its relaxed borders and single currency has made it easy to fly off to a foreign capital to this end, to take advantage of 50p pints and the opportunity to handcuff the fiancé to some famous European monument or other. No longer the domain of the local bar/stripclub, 70% of our stag and hen festivities now take place across Europe, from Amsterdam to Budapest. And of course, regardless of how drunk or how arrested young Britons have gotten on foreign soil, the local British embassy has

Now even if a young and hungover Briton had £84.50 on their person, I doubt they would hand it over without putting up a fight. On the other hand, British consulates do a fine job and have enough to worry about without having to deal with our foolish misdemeanors every Sunday morning. In the end, anyone foolish enough to fly to Prague with the sole purpose of drinking but without any insurance should be left to the mercy of the local authorities/hospitals/traveling circus. The little ECC Health card is a piece of cake to get hold of; Easyjet even add travel insurance onto your bill automatically when you book – you have to consciously remove it yourself, leaving no real excuses if you end up needing it. Everyone complains about the ‘nanny’ state intervening into our lives, but as soon as it stops stepping in when we need it, people are up in arms. I look forward to future binges abroad, regardless of this new levy. As immature as such weekends are supposed to be, there’s a point where you have to stop relying on the grown-ups to bail you out. Scary, but true.


Free Stuff

May 1 2006

Page 13

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

WYCH WAY TO THE FESTIVAL? SO HERE IT IS guys: the best three-day festival in the South West, featuring over 60 bands, artists and DJs over four stages. Coming to Cheltenham Race Course as of June 2-4, the Wychwood Music Festival 2006 is set to be a scorcher. Described in Time Out as an “excellent hybrid of The Big Chill, WOMAD and the Cambridge Folk Festival”, it’s easy to see why Wychwood has taken off in the past couple of years. Delivering an intimate and unique blend of musical entertainment, the Wychwood is a festival with no boundaries. Cutting-edge contemporary music blends seamlessly with folk on the Prestbury hills, while world music beats rub shoulders with experimental jazz. Mainstream artists mix with the local scene, and the divisions between audience and performers merge into one. It’s the most up-close and personal you’re going to get to the likes of hot new band The Feeling, singer-

songwriter Martha Wainwright (tbc) and Mercury Prize Nominee Seth Lakeman this year - so why not grab your tickets? With a diverse line-up that’s constantly being added to, the Wychwood Festival is not one to miss. Purchase tickets online from www.aloud.com or call the ticket line on 0870 998 8888. Tickets are also available from Cheltenham Box Office on 01242 22 7979. I’m giving away a pair of tickets to the Wychwood Festival, worth £160. If you’d like to win, send me an email with your name and address and the answer to this question: Q. Where did the Wychwood Festival take its name from? See www.wychwoodfestival.com for more details.

IT’S that dreaded time of year again guys, so while everyone else is stressing about dates and deadlines, why not get on t’Internet and plan yourself a little adventure? If you can’t afford a holiday abroad – or just like rolling around in mud to music – festivals are the way to go. So what with Glastonbury flocking to Ibiza this year, I’ve had a peek at some of the other hot festivals around – and managed to get tickets for some of them too. If you’d like to win, you know the drill – email yours truly at the competitions address at the top of the page and you could be busting a groove in wellies on the green green grass of England - just like Kate Moss.

Rakin’ it in SET TO BE A SCORCHER! SOME BANDS take months to think of a proper name, and others dick around when they’re recording – only to find they’re being taken seriously. When Brit boys Jamie, Alan, Matthew and Lasse joked that their band would be called The Rakes - “cos we’re all skinny as rakes” the bad in-joke became reality. Three years later, they’ve toured the world alongside Bloc Party, Franz Ferdinand and The Buzzcocks - and are set to release their second album in early 2007. 2006 means a little less touring for the band with US, French and UK tours, plus a host of festivals including the Isle of Wight festival in June. Lucky for us, they’re also hitting the universities, and are making their way to Cardiff SU on May 11. If you’d like to grab a pair of guest list tickets to the gig, email me at the usual competitions address. Tickets are pretty cheap and can be purchased from the Box Office or at www.cardiffstudents.com/gigs.

AFTER SHOCK, the ultimate in oral sensations, are gearing up for a sizzling summer of shocking fun at some of the UK’s top festivals – and you can join them! Come the holiday season, After Shock are going on tour at Download, Creamfields, Leeds Festival and Global Gathering. If you’d love the chance to be at one of the events (with a bottle of After Shock, of course!) just enter this amazing competition. After Shock have teamed up with gair rhydd to offer one lucky winner a pair of tickets to a festival of their choice, plus a bottle of their favourite After Shock flavour. With a mouth-watering range of stimulating flavours, the After Shock range offers an oral sensation for every palette. Whether it be the warming cinnamon spice of

WAY BACK in October, we teamed up with Bumps Driving School to offer one lucky Cardiff student the chance to learn to drive. Being skint students and all, driving lessons are not easy to come by, so we gave our winner no less than 20 driving lessons plus her theory and driving tests absolutely free of charge. As if that wasn’t enough, we also threw in a bunch of theory books and CD-ROMs. We then put winner Anna Dickinson quite literally to the test, as she embarked on her intensive course of driving tuition courtesy of Bumps. As of last term, Anna passed her driving test

After Shock Red that tickles your taste buds or the icy cold bite of Blue, After Shock are bound to get you in the mood for a weekend of action this summer. Maybe you’ll pick up the tongue-tingling menthol rush of After Shock Green, the electric energy of Silver, or the nighttime glow of Black – you decide! If you’d like to be picked out of the hat to win this sensational prize (you’ve got to be in it to win it!) email me at the usual address with the answer to this question: How many flavours are in the After Shock range?

first time, with the most miniscule amount of minors. It’s enough to make anyone jealous. So, to celebrate in grab! style, we thought we’d print a very embarrassing photo of Anna. We’ve also popped in a discount voucher so you guys can get cracking on your driving after exams. With Bumps it’s possible to pass in a matter of months, so come September you could be behind the wheel. But, if you’re jetting off to somewhere exotic instead this summer, don’t worry - we’re launching the same competition again in the autumn.

Phew, last term was a bit mental in the competition stakes, so we have a big handful of lucky winners to announce... Well done to Dancing in the Streets winner Rebecca Griffiths, Pearl of the Orient winner Amy Griggs and Starlight Express winner Joss Hutchinson. Congrats also to Kirstie Pavey, who won a tip-to-toe makeover at Park Lifestyle, plus Fidelma Butler, Stu Barzey, Victoria Jones, Anna Davies, Elizabeth Randall and Becky Jones, who all have Dot goody bags waiting for collection.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!


Media

May 1 2006

Page 15

media@gairrhydd.com

Commemoration or exploitation UNITED 93: Is the public ready? Media takes a look at whether people are prepared to face a film relating the events of the flight that missed its target on 9/11 By Nadia Bonjour & Aline Ungewiss Media Reporters

Media ‘influences’ underage sex

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he New York Tribeca Film Festivals opened with the premier of a movie many people may not yet be emotionally prepared for. A dramatic and unfliching film, UNITED 93 is a sure bet to cause some controversy. It conveys the experiences of the 40 passengers and crew members who were on board of the hijacked plane which did not reach its intended target on 9/11, but crashed into a Pennsylvanian field. Without resorting to exploitative, disaster-movie tricks, the British director Paul Greengrass, who is known for films such as Bloody Sunday and The Bourne Supremacy, has created a movie in cooperation with many of the victims’ relatives and families. The film presents a minute-byminute re-enactment of the events aboard the plane, which had been hijacked by four terrorists. This film, compared by some as an artful ‘documentary’, features numerous roles played by real pilots, flight attendances and air traffic controllers who were actually working on 9/11 and so adding to the reality of the film. As there is no perfect record of the exact details of the hijacking and hostage retaliation, Greengrass relies on interviews of relatives and on the evidence of phone calls they received from the passengers aboard. UNITED 93, made for “just under $20 million”, takes a few creative liberties, and also imagines how some events, which are beyond the 9/11

By Dan Fisher Media Reporter

A UNITED 93: Flight of memory Commission Report might have played. Overall, Greengrass has created a “scrupulously researched and factual film”, which goes right down to the clothes the passengers were wearing on that eventful day. The film is an attempt to understand the fears as well as the courageous decisions of the passengers who were confronted by an unthinkable situation. Dealing with such a sensitive topic, the film is already not making itself too many fans. Before its actual release, UNITED 93 has managed to trigger intense debates and feelings. Due for release on April 28, the question lingering is whether the release of such a film is too soon? Despite it being four and a half years since 9/11, it nonetheless remained a day that would forever change the world, affecting millions of people of

all ages, gender, nationalities and religion. Triggering anger, hatred, terror and war, it is understandable why any films dealing with post-9/11 are always greeted with scepticism. Greengrass waited until the 9/11 Commission had finished its investigation before taking on the project. He has therefore discredited such remarks of time and sensitivity arguing that the reason audiences would remain hostile towards UNITED 93 is merely because people do not want to talk about it. After all, many of us primarily indulge in television and films for escapism and entertainment. However, as terrorism and 9/11 is portrayed too realistically, it creates strong reactions from the public as it is effectively too close to people’s real-life fears. Even before UNITED 93’s release, the polls are demonstrating clear nega-

tive attitudes amongst the public. A recent poll on cnn.com showed that out of 120,420 responses, 79% of people stated they would not watch a film dealing with the flight’s final moments. On universalpictures.com, message boards discussing the film display a variety of attitudes and responses towards its upcoming release. A sense of anger and disappointment of using such a sensitive topic for a film is clearly felt as some express their disgust and outrage. Many refer to it being too soon and address the idea that they do not want to relive the events. Others argue that it is important to commemorate those who perished and never forget the day that changed the lives of so many. Send your views to us on media@gairrhydd.com.

study published in The Journal of Adolescent Health, has found a direct link between the amount of sexual content children see and their level of sexual activity. It claims that media such as films, TV, music and magazines act as a “sexual super peer” for children and teenagers looking for information or advice about sex. Over 1,000 children across America aged 12 to 15 were asked to list which media they were exposed to regularly, and then answered questions about their levels of sexual activity, including whether or not they had been on dates, kissed or had oral or full sex. The study found that the media they researched usually portrayed sex as “risk-free”. Sex was usually between unmarried couples and the use of contraception was “extremely rare”. “Adolescence is a developmental period that is characterised by intense information-seeking, especially about adult roles and, given the lack of information about sexuality readily available to teens, adolescents may turn to the media for information about sexual norms.”

Morgan: Down with the kids By Adam Millward Media Reporter

S

ince his very public dismissal from the Daily Mirror in 2004, Piers Morgan has not shied away from the limelight. His latest venture sees him taking the position of editor director of First News, an innovative national weekly newspaper for children. From hosting Have I Got News For You? to publishing a best-selling series of diaries to speaking at private events, Morgan has taken each new challenge in his stride having been fired from the national tabloid over fake Iraqi-abuse photographs, but even he admits that: “[First News ] is uncharted waters.” It was devised by former News International colleague Nicky Cox, who went on to produce dozens of children’s publications at BBC Worldwide, including Bob the Builder and Top of the Pops magazine. Millions of pounds have been poured into the enterprise, primarily through Cox’s cousin Sarah Jane Thomson, who with her husband

manages the media-monitoring corporation Thomson Intermedia. First News is aimed at an audience aged nine to 12 and initially will be published Fridays, at the price of £1 (a token 5p per issue donated to various children’s charities).Content will include current news stories as well as: celebrity gossip, sport, games and competitions. Esther Rantzen will be heading an advice page, Jamie Oliver on recipes and it’s rumoured David Beckham and Richard Branson might also be involved. Morgan is looking forward to filling the new role: “the complete gap in the market”, whilst asserting the serious implications for the unique publication: “First News is first and foremost a newspaper. It will be sold alongside newspapers, not next to the Beano…[and] the idea is for [it] to become a forum for debate for that age group.” And the unavoidable question – will First News be dealing with the war in Iraq? “We’ll cover it…[but] it won’t be politically biased. It will be independent. So don’t worry,”


Page 16

Science & Environment

May 1 2006

science@gairrhydd.com

20 YEARS OF PIXAR Science gets an exclusive look around this years coolest exhibition

By Ceri Morgan Science and Environment Editor

Which film are you most proud of? “I think because it’s most recent, The Incredibles because it’s human animation, and it’s difficult to do that. You have to deal with all the facial issues and try to make them not look really like humans but, uh, caricatures of humans. We just finished Cars, and people don’t know what cars look like when they’re talking, but humans – we all know what they look like, so from an animation point of view I think that The Incredibles is probably number one for me.”

A

n exciting new exhibition containing very rare Pixar sketches has opened in London. Pixar: 20 Years of Animation, brings together 350 drawings and paintings, 50 sculptures plus computer-generated multimedia artworks. There are displays from the studios hugely successful movies - Toy Story, Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo to name but a few - as well as an exclusive look at sketches from the latest Disney/ Pixar production Cars. Jon Tucker, Head of the Science Museum said: “This exhibition gives our visitors a unique glimpse into one of the most creative film studios in the world.” “Pixar have been marrying tremendous artistic talents with witty scripts and groundbreaking technology for 20 years.” The biggest feature of the exhibition is a huge eight foot diameter zoetrope - a cinematic device that creates the optical illusion of static images in motion - and features characters from both of the Toy Story films and uses a series of strobe lights to animate Buzz, Woody, Wheezy and others. Science caught up with senior animator Dan Mason for an exclusive chat about the past, present and future of Pixar Animation Studios. This exhibition has already proven a success in New York; do you think that will be repeated here? “I hope so! I hope so - we’re very excited.”

In recent years, Pixar has come to epitomise popular animation, were you surprised by the success of your films? “Um, no! I think every time when you’re working on a film, you don’t know really how it is going to be accepted by people, but at Pixar we work collaboratively, and we’ll all work on our storyboards before we actually start the animation, so people can judge in a company wide way. We all go into a screening room and at early stages of the film we will look at what’s been done, and everyone is allowed to send in comments, and I think by doing that, we have a good sense of what’s good and what’s not by the general consensus of people there. They are all very talented.”

Pixar has been so successful to present, so where do you go from here? “I think it’s to continue to make heartfelt films, and to care and put the effort in the way we have on each of the other ones, and that’s where we are going. They’ll all be different, as we continue on, but we’ll keep that same kind of process – the way we work.”

talent.” How do you think the take over by Disney will affect the company? (Looks sceptical) “I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think that we will keep making films the way we make films. The beauty of our company is we have John Lasseter, who is our Creative Director, who directed Toy Story, A Bug’s Life and Cars, and it’s sort of his philosophy that we live by, and that’s not going to change ‘cause John’s not going anywhere, and actually John is taking over Disney’s feature animation, so he can put his foot down. He’s strong but in a very loving way, and people will lie down in front of a train for him. He’s open and he’s collaborative, and has a great sense of what’s funny and ‘let’s do it!’” The films each occupy a fantasy world; do they have a basis in reality?

“Oh, absolutely. If you look at the characters in Finding Nemo, we have these fish in the tank, and you can pick out characteristics that are like your friends. We try to make it so you can go with your grandmother and grandfather and not be embarrassed, all the way down to the two year old. We try to work on making it real for the whole family. How long does it take to make the perfect Pixar film? “From conception to completion they are averaging four to five years. But specifically in animation we spend between a year to a year and a half on a film. Production times will no doubt get even shorter in the future.” Pixar: 20 Years of Animation, has a ten-week run at the Science Museum, Exhibition Road, London, until 10 June 2006. Entry for students is only £7.

Can you see Pixar being this influential in the world of animation in twenty years time? “I think so, I really do. I think it’s partly because I look at the talent of the people that I work with; it blows my mind every day that I go to work, and I see these people who are amazing. You can look around this exhibition and see this stuff is phenomenal. You know at Pixar, because of the success, animators around the world want to work with us. We have people from the Netherlands, we have some from France, South America, and so it’s an international group of the best in the world. So we have the pick of the new

Zoetrope: 3D Toy Story characters created on a laser printer


Health

May 1 2006

health@gairrhydd.com

Heal th C am W eek One, paig n Exer cise

Page 19

Health’s simple guide to hayfever and tips on how to keep it at bay whilst revising this spring By Vanessa Roche Health Editor SUMMER IS COMING. Looking outside at the drizzly, miserable ‘fuzz’ we call rain this week it is hard to believe, I know, but the truth remains that it is. And it is bringing a big problem with it. Many of us will start to feel more and more miserable as the temparature increases, as it means the arrival of pollenation, which leads to hayfever, and the imminent onslaught of annoying sniffles and sore eyes. Hayfever is the body’s reaction to the pollen found in plants. When these pollens come into contact with the delicate tissues inside the human nose, they trigger a reaction in the immune system that can lead to nasal and sinus congestion, sneezing, itching and a runny nose. In the UK, hayfever season can start as early as February and if the weather stays warm it can continue until October.

Many of us will feel more and more miserable as the temperature increases Hayfever is most common during the spring and summer months, when pollen activity and production is the highest. It also becomes more potent and irritating to the hayfever sufferer during rainy or humid periods. Fortunately, there are treatments available over the counter at your local pharmacy that can help. Your pharma-

POLLEN: great if you are a bee, not so great if you are not cist will be able to advise you on which is best for you. There are three main types of treatment: antihistamine tablets, nasal steroid sprays and anti-allergy injections. Anti-histamine tablets are like the superheroes of hayfever treatment. They enter your body and knock out the body’s immune system, preventing

Natural ways to stay ahead of the summer sniffles By Vanessa Roche Health Editor NOT SURPRISINGLY, the thought of having to attack your immune system in order to fight away hayfever doesn’t seem like a fatastic option for many people. Luckily there are natural treatments available for those that do not want to take large quantities of antihistamines on a daily basis. As always, we can turn to good old Vitamin C. This trusty vitamin not only supports the immune system, but helps the body defend itself against the consequences of having too much histamine. In a study by scientists at the Arizona State University, researchers gave allergy sufferers, including patients with hay fever, increasing doses of Vitamin C over a period of six weeks. They found that when the higher levels of Vitamin C were reached, the volunteers’ histamine levels had dropped by 40%. Bioflavanoids may have a silly name but they are essential in the

battle against hayfever. They are the substances that give fruits and vegetables their rich colours. They are especially effective if combined with Vitamin C. The best bioflavanoid for fighting hayfever is quercetin, which helps stabilise the cell membranes of those cells that would otherwise discharge their supply of histamine into the surrounding blood and tissue. A natural antihistamine, it will work in the body to reduce any inflammation of the nasal passages, the bronchial airways, and the throat. It is found naturally in red and yellow onions, shallots, squash, courgettes, and broccoli. Nettle tea (Urtica dioica) is one of the most effective natural remedies for hay fever. It contains both vitamins C and K, as well as immune-boosting proteins and an anti-inflammatory agent called scopoletin. A strong immune system should help protect from allergic reactions, including hay fever, and echinacea may support your natural defences.

the pesky pollens from eliciting an uncomfortable response. However, they should not be used too often or for a long period of time as their constant attack on the body’s defences can leave you feeling weak and tired. Nasal sprays are only used on the affected area, and leave the rest of the immune system alone. This is obviously a good thing for those that suffer

more or less constantly all summer as they can be used much more often and for more prolonged periods of time. They need to be applied twice a day and are the best form of allergy relief for day to day use. The final, and most extreme, method, is anti-allergy injections. These are only used in particularly severe cases and are given over a num-

ber of years. They offer long-term protection from allergies but do require constant check ups. Muriel Simmons, chief executive of the British Allergy Foundation, has said that sprays are the best method for short-term allergy protection. However, it depends on the individual’s needs, and that should be judged by a visit to a GP, she said. “We advise hayfever sufferers to go to their doctors and discuss it with them. There is a recognised link between hayfever and asthma so you need to monitor it. “A lot of people who go on to develop asthma have nasal problems but they don't recognise it, they just think ‘oh, I seem to go from one cold to another’ but in fact they’re suffering from rhinitis - which gives you the drippy nose in hayfever.” She said it was better to act as soon as you recognise the symptoms, rather than to let it develop before seeking help. “The major problem is that people leave it too late - they wait until the symptoms start before they take the medication,” she said. “They actually need to take it from about three to four weeks before the season starts.” So why are more and more people gettting hayfever? Ms Simmons says that air pollution traps the pollen in the atmosphere and holds it there. “Because we have so much pollution, that's holding it down, and we’re all becoming that little bit more sensitive,” she said. The warmer weather, caused by an overall increase in the Earth’s temparature, has also been blamed, as it tricks plants into pollinating early.


Problem Page

Page 20

May 1 2006

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: the first fist of Room for More?, a deeply arousing erotic fiction... Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners! Well, spring really has sprung! I can feel it in my fingers, feel it in my toes...and in my poor vadge that has had a few to many ‘bumps’ from the Easter bunny... Anyway, I am sorry to hear that so many of you have been having problems over the hols and in general, but I hope that the first in a new series of erotic fictions will keep you happy while you’re not frolicking in Roath Park. If you do have anything worth saying to me, send it to: problempage@gairrhydd.com. Happy bank holiday! Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

Brooming! Dear Amber, EVERYONE SAYS that schooldays are the best days of your life, and that, if they’re not, then you’ll enjoy University (I’m sure that’s how the saying goes). However, I don’t think it’s true. I have been at University here for nearly a year now, and every day

just gets worse. On my first day, moving into Talybont, I realised that living with my new housemates may well be difficult, and how right I was. They are all rude, obnoxious, stupid and throw up outside my bedroom door quite a lot (they say it’s because it’s the nearest one to the front door but I think this is very odd logic). I hear them having sex, and they steal my food. One of them even peed into my orange squash, and I’m pretty sure they put laxatives in my dinner a few

De-rock My W orld! Dear Amber, I AM SORRY to say that I have an obsession that I cannot cure. It all started when I first came to Cardiff University, in 2003 (I am about to graduate, which is part of my problem). I, like many fellow students (and Nick Hancock, I do believe), enjoy eating my lunch to the turgid facility of Neighbours, the soap to end all irony. However, a lot of the time I have made my lunch by 1.25pm, a good ten minutes too early for Neighbours, and have to watch the end of Wales Today, a show I particularly loathe. But that is to say, loathed. For, having become rather a stalwart of the programme, I started to get used to the pathetic local news stories and the oddly-faced presenters, and it was at this point that my obsession began. You see, I am painfully in love with our very own Derek Brockway, ie Derek the Weatherman. That smile! Those fake-tanned hands! That salt-and-pepper hair! Amber, ours is a love so true you’d never see the like, even betwixt Posh’n’Becks... Oh, it’s got to the point where I dream of him every night, flying in through the window to physically assault me... It is on his body that my dreams are made. Oh, Amber! So I have harboured this obsession for a few years now, but when I graduate this July I know not what I’ll do. I am having to move back in

with my parents as my degree has not guaranteed me a job like those fake statistics told me it would, and my parents live in East Anglia, too far away for me to be able to tune my TV to a Derek-receiving wavelength! Oh, Amber, what will I do without him? Please help, Yours, I. Sobar, May Street. AMBER SAYS: Dear I, I understand your obsession, I really do. I feel the same about Sara Edwards. Mercy! So I can’t really advise you, except to say that I know that Derek sometimes drinks in the Gatekeeper... Love from Amber xxx

DEREK: Fnnarr!

times (that’s the only explanation I can think of anyway...). They criticise my clothes because I shop exclusively in Bon Marché, but I like jumpers with sweet little teddy bears on them, and they call me Harry Potter because I have a broomstick. And why shouldn’t I? They were all the rage at my last school (though I got beaten up there for having one... Ho hum). I don’t like men or women in that way, Amber, and I know that if I had

Flick, f ools! Dear Amber, I WRITE TO you in haste as I am a very busy person, and have lots to do. Basically, I am in my third year and have lots of exams looming. I don’t know what to do. I have done nothing for the last three years apart from learn how to give satisfying cunnilingus (you flick, fools!), dress in a way that attracts women without spending all my grant, shave my head without looking like a peanut and walk to lectures in the rain without getting wet. These skills are very important, sure, but I’m pretty certain they won’t help

Room for More? EROTIC FICTION - PART 4

Cut out and keep!

The day had begun very pleasantly, with Cindi’s legs wrapped over his shoulders, her muttering cries of ‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ into his ear. Ray smiled in a smiley manner as he walked home from Cindi’s house, remembering the great delight she had taken in sucking him off until he came all over her face. “She has a mouth like a Hoover!” he thought, and was nearly hard just thinking about it. Then he tripped over and tried to control himself. Cindi was a perfect woman in every way; a little older than Ray, which meant she was very experienced, and with the biggest real funbags he’d ever seen, even on a fat old lady he’d seen once feeding

sex I wouldn’t like it. I have spoken to my housemates very frankly about this and instead of being sympathetic as I hoped they might, they taunted me by buying me a vibrator (I’m now selling it on ebay if anyone’s interested; it’s barely used...). To ice the cake, as it were, I hate my course. Everyone on it is as bad as my housemates, talking about how they drank till they threw up, caught an STD and wear such revealing clothes I can barely take

my eyes off them. Sorry, I mean I can barely look at them. Please help me, Amber. I want to finish my course but another two years of this torture seems too much. Regards, Irie Prest, Talybont.

me pass my modules in Power, Culture and Identity and the Penal (haha!) Process. I cannot believe that after living here for three years, and attending about 50% of my lectures and about 25% of my seminars I may not get a degree. How unfair is that! I looked at some past paper questions the other day and my blood ran cold. I had no idea how to answer most of them - but I can tell you the cheapest place for cocktails before 7pm! (Answer: Henry’s, with student ID). How am I going to get through this? I asked my girlfriend what I should do but she just said ‘get on your knees, sunshine’, and I spent the next part of an hour giving her oral (damn that website I learnt my

technique from). She doesn’t care about my degree, and seemingly nor does she care about hers, the amount of time she spends on her back. I want to tell my parents to get my bedroom ready back home because I’ll fail my degree and never get a job, but since I shaved my head they won’t talk to me as I look like ‘a ruffian’. I am in so much bother, Amber. How the hell am I going to get my degree? Yours, Si Sock, Roath. AMBER SAYS: Dear Si, Well, it really does pay to know how to give good oral. I for one would love to hook up and discuss your technique... Good luck in your exams! Love from Amber xxx

the pigeons at a bus stop, shouting “Seed! Seed!” Cindi was short and had a big round bum and a tiny waist like a thin person’s. She had blonde hair and blue eyes, as blue as...the sea, and she giggled a lot, like a very giggly girl. She was a nurse, and had a lovely uniform that made her snatch protrude in a very charming manner. Ray was a builder, and liked to wear a toolbelt. However, sometimes he was a bit put off by Cindi, as she had no inhibitions whatsoever - on their first night together, Ray had rammed his cock up her bum and she hadn’t minded - and somehow that really put him off. Also, as she knew all the tricks, he felt like he was a little like a vibrator in a factory, used until all the female workers got bored of it. However, she gave such a good (and quick) handjob wherever they were, even on the carousel on Queen Street, that he felt he’d be a fool to lose her,

her and her jumbo norks, her lovely hairless purse, and her relish of the taste of his knob (even unwashed). As Ray got home, he heard the phone ringing. It was Betty, a girl he really fancied...

AMBER SAYS: Dear Irie, I have heard loads of things you can do with brooms if you do manage to sucessfully get rid of your vibrator! Love from Amber xxx

© Amber Duval 2006

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com


Award-Winning Television

May 1 - 7 2006

Page 21

tvgrace@dribble.com

This Weeks Stewarts among the Tudors: May 1st- 7th

Dancing Queen Street

It’s All Mills and Swoon as The Cha-Cha Cardiff Cat Prances on the Dancefloor

HOT

Myspace Obviously. TV desk are all fans of boring indie wank and spent too much time in our bedrooms, so by default we’re obsessed with how many friends we have(n’t) and hence are all MySpace addicts. There is a TV Desk group, but it’s for us only, so fuck you.

Soaps So, then Little Mo has been raped twice, one time resulting in a baby, a failed marriage with poor old Billy who really loved her, and now her character’s been written as an incompetent mother, and a babyshaker who runs the risk of losing her baby along with her sister who died in a carnival float disaster, and her other two sisters have knobbed off to sunnier climes. Unlucky. Eastenders’ general lapse in memory that causes catastrophic events to repeatedly happen to the same characters (normally reserved for Ian Beale) strikes once more. Speaking of Ian Beale, it looks like the Mitchell brothers are going to step in and ruin his life for the fifty-thousandth time. Elsewhere, boring Sonia and boring Martin are having more marital strife, despite only being 21. Get over it you little scrubbers!

H

e’s the chemistry student who loves to Cha-Cha! Or so says the BBC website. To everyone else at Cardiff University, we know him as either Stewart Mills, Stewie, or ‘that guy from your biochemistry lecture’. Now he shall forever be known as ‘That guy’ from Cardiff who’s on Strictly Dance Fever (Saturday 6.20pm, BBC1). Anyone who knows Stewart, please get in touch with TV Desk, especially with scurrilous rumours, otherwise we might just have to make them up, and that’s a bit unfair. None of us have the guts or brain incapacity to watch Strictly Dance Fever, so it’s over to the brains of Britain on the Strictly Dance Fever message board to inform our readership on the merits of Stewart and his hot dance dancing lassie Clare: “Freakkkkkkyyy” says “I think Clare is a cool dancer”. So that’s confirmed. “Leann” reckons “Clare is the best dancer on the show and can dance brill. hope everyone votes for her well done Clare”. Wicked, so she’s cool, and can dance brill. “Jenny n Clare”, not to be confused with thicko Cockney funnywoman and TV Grace lookalike Jenny Eclair, say the following “we luvvvvvv Miss roberts she teachers in r school "Broughton hall" n she’s fabb, we hope she gets in da final and wins well done claire xx.” Why is the name of their school in inverted com-

Fudge Tunnel 35

mas? Is “Broughton School” a pseudonym for something much darker? We should be told, and not by a couple of illiterate teenage girls with too much free broadband rental on their hands who hopes she “get sin”. So far, so little Stewart, though, as everyone seems to be bigging up this dreary Clare woman. “Rachel A” (the ‘A’ is for ‘Atrocious’) says he “danced and luked fab on saturday night” so he’s good at the ancient dance formation “Lukeing”. “Jenny” thinks the awesome twosome are “two dark hourses” which is kind of a compliment, but doesn’t quite equate with the instant appeal angle. We’ll leave you with a couple of closing comments. “Laura Jarvis” (you know who you are” who erm, knows Stewart and is part of the Univeristy Dancesport society “Good Luck Stew!!! We wish you all the best, we know you can do it, go out there and show them you are the best!!” Which we’ll second. All is equal in japery and looking ‘hip’ infront of your readers, but hey, good luck buddy. Lastly, “xXx KayleaxXx” mentions, in a rather stately fashion “Go Stewie!! everyone vote Stewart and Clare they are fab and deserve to go far!! Thats 0901 121 2403 just in case u 4got... go vote now!! *:o) hehe loveya xXx”

So there’s the number, in case “u

NOT

P l a y i n g Leapfrog in the Park and Landing in a Big Turd Not that this happened, but just imagine how nasty it would be. Your Strawberry Cornetto wouldn’t taste the same for a start, you’d be an utter laughing stock, and you’d have poo on your ‘Leapfrog Society’ hoodie.

Film One of the worst examples of completely pathetic madcrap Hollywood comedic japery: Big Momma’s House (Friday 11.35pm BBC1). Starring Martin Lawrence as - wait for it - a hilarious fat woman who’s sent undercover to catch bad people. It’s a hybrid of Mr Nanny and Mrs Doubtfire, and worse than death.

Sport 4got” - you now have no excuse, and a whole bunch of hugs for you all. Hehe loveya xxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY As an employee of Silverscreen Cardiff, I’m in absolutely no mood whatsoever to discuss the subject of DVD thank-you very much. But whilst I’m currently being shat on from a great height, you don’t deserve to be, so here are some tip top recommendations for you. Grizzly Man, directed by certified German lunatic Werner Herzog, who is no stranger to jumping into cacti to highlight the plight of dwarves, and eating his own shoe, is a documentary of shorts. Timothy Treadwell, the subject matter for Grizzly Man, rejected society in favour of living amongst, and caring for, the Grizzly Bear population of North America. This he did, with much adoration and tenderness. And then he and his girlfriend get

killed by them. Arf! Herzog, to his credits, deals with the whole thing with the level of incredulity it deserves, but it’s sensitively done. Since none of your assholes are listening me, I’ll just say the word Peep Show in bold letters, to announce that the first series is properly going to be re-released with the same artwork as the second series. Good-o.

It’s not really sport. Actually, it’s better than sport because it’s got Sly Stallone in it. Three words: Escape to Victory. Three more: Completely fucking brilliant. Actually, it’s not that good, but it’s got Sly as a goalkeeper, Pele being - shock horror - a really good footballer, and some ridiculous Nazis. Super duper: Wednesday 10pm, five, wicked.

Radio Sigur-Ros are notoriously one of the most pretentious bands of our generation, so who better to wax lyrical about their “udderlydevestatinbeautah!” than the the Kiwi Kocksucker himself, Zane Lowe (Radio 1 Wednesday 7pm). SigurRos, who have made post-rock Hollywood-friendly and have had their Hoppipolla single adopted as the theme tune to BBC1’s Planet Earth, otherwise Radio 1 wouldn’t touch these gobbledegook-spounting Icelandic (sorry, “Hopelandic”) yokels with a frozen barge pole. They are pretty good actually, if they take time out from bowing their guitars and singing through Venezuelan nose flutes plugged into their grandmothers, to actually play any songs.


Monday

Page 22

May 1 - 7 2006

poor@me.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Robbie Williams’ Secrets

Hidden Ashes

C4 9.40pm

BBC2 11.20pm

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BBC2 6.30pm

Wonder Boys

BBC2 10.30pm

Call 02920 229977.

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory I am literally holding myself still with sheer excitement. TV Ellen and TV Gareth’s band debut at the fun factory in exactly 7 days. Whoop!6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am ATOM 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am Emmerdale 10:55am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:40am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Coronation Street 2:00pm Emmerdale 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm Airline USA 9:00pm Britain's Youngest Boozers 10:30pm The Guru 12:25pm Coronation Street 12:55pm Coronation Street 1:25am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with The Zutons 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Threesomes 2:00pm Freshly Squeezed's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek: The Aftermath 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Lost 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00pm Wife Swap: The Aftermath 10:30pm Mickey Blue Eyes 12:30pm Mission Impossible III: Evolution of a Blockbuster 1:00am Porn: A Family Business 1:30am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 2:25am Queer as Folk 3:15am Lost 3:55am Beauty and the Geek 4:40am Switched 5:05am Fool Around... with My Girlfriend 5:30am Fool Around... with My Girlfriend I wish I had a girlfriend.

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:35am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am Atlantis: In Search of a Lost Continent 1:35pm BenHur 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Hidden Ashes We were just discussing the properties of snuff. The erm, stuff you put up your nose, not the films. I’m not depraved or owt. I was in a snuff film once. 8:00pm Fifth Gear 9:00pm Robbie Williams' Secrets Robbie actually tore off his own flesh during filming of the video for Rock DJ. What you see now is all the work of a reconstructive surgeon. 10:00pm Prison Break 11:00pm The Joy of Sex Education I think I missed the ONE lesson they devoted to fornication in which they put a condom on a banana or something. Until the age of twelve I thought that “penis” was pronounced “pen-is” (as in the thing you write with) and that “twat” was another word for “twit”, so you can probably guess that I’ve never experienced the joy of sex education. 12:00pm Movie Lounge 12:50pm NBA Action 1:15am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup 2:05am USPGA Golf 2:55am NHL Ice Hockey

P R I M E T I M E

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am Cheers 12:30am Airport 3:00pm Come Dine with Me When I watched this t’other day some fat common woman chopped the end of her finger off whilst preparing some asparagus and later told all her dinner guests just how she’s injured her finger. This may or may not have put the diners off their starters, but that is besides the point. I’m not insinuating that the less well-bred members of society (and before you call me a snob, I’ll have you know that I owned a Kappa tracksuit AND pierced my own nose) shouldn’t have dinner parties at all. Besides, “chav”-bashing is terribly old hat. I’d rather take the piss out of lepers. My point is that why would anyone besides the ultra middle class want to have a dinner party anyway? Aren’t they just an excuse to show off how nice your crockery is? What the HELL am I talking about? 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:15pm Destination Lost 8:05pm Dispatches 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm ER 11:05pm National Lampoon's Animal House 1:05am Resurrection Man 2:50am Dispatches 3:45am Michael Carroll: King of Chavs 4:45am 1300 CC 4:55am A Container 5:00am Scrapheap Challenge 5:55am Inuk

PRIMETIME

E M I T E M I

7:00pm Small Objects of Desire 7:20pm The Man Who Never Was Biography of Viscount the third Oysterlobster. With a foreward by Lionel topiary Hedgepeacock. 9:00pm The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold 10:00pm Did Jesus Die? 11:00pm Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages 11:30pm Northern Renaissance 12:30pm The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold 1:30am Did Jesus Die? Jesus is alive and well and writing for the gair rhydd’s TV pages. No, I’m not trying to pass myself off as the messiah but TV Gareth is. Your beard and cardigan combo isn’t fooling anyone buster. 2:30am Illuminations: Treasures of the Middle Ages New evidence has come to light (excuse the pun) to suggest that the Blackpool illuminations originated far earlier than historians had previously assumed. 3:00am Northern Renaissance A man went to a zoo. When he got there, all he could see was a small dog in a cage. It was a shitsu.

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Little Britain 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:00pm Three's Outtakes 12:30pm Spendaholics If the debt collection agency that have been hounding me for some time are reading this, then I have something to tell you hardfaced barrrstards: I spent £32.73 in Superdrug this afternoon and there’s NOTHING you can do about it. 1:25am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:55am Three's Outtakes 2:25am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:55am Honey We're Killing the Kids BBC 3 is absolutely appaling tonight considering it’s bank holiday Monday and whatnot. I assume that BBC 3 thinks its viewers are too hip to stay in this evening.

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Jo Jo's Circus 7:00am Dora the Explorer 7:25am House of Mouse 7:55am Dave the Barbarian 8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am ATOM 9:25am The Championship 10:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am The Best of Benny Hill 1:05pm ITV News; Weather 1:20pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:30pm 60 Minute Makeover 3:30pm British Superbikes Championship 5:30pm Wycliffe 6:30pm Wales Tonight 6:40pm Party Election Broadcast 6:45pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale Damn you commercial television, damn you to hell. I’ve just spent one of the most horrific days of my entire life with the theme tune from the Cathedral City advert stuck on a constant loop in my head. I also quite like the song from the latest Bodyform campaign. I haven’t bought any cheese or sanitary products all day so at least I haven’t completely fallen under their spell. 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Wales This Week 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Matrix 11:30pm ITV News; Weather 11:45pm Supernatural 12:30pm Airline 1:10am ITV Play: The Mint 3:20am Have I Been Here Before? 3:45am House Price Challenge 4:10am I Want That House 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Hey, did you know Morrissey is a cannibal? Yes, I didn’t believe it either until somebody told me that he put his girlfriend in a Korma.

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PRIMETIME

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7:00am CBeebies:Lazytown 7:30am Boogie Beebies 8:00am CBBC:Arthur 8:15am Looney Tunes 8:20am What's New Scooby Doo? 8:40am Even Stevens Rachael Stevens discusses her battle with obsessive compulsive disorder. She’s unable to even look at an odd number, let alone the word “odd”. She forced her widowed mother to re-marry so that she’d have an even number of parents once again. BBC 2 decided to taunt her with the following programme: 9:05am The Fairly Odd Parents 9:30am Level Up 10:30am The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:00am The Magic Pudding 12:10am Top Cat 12:35am The Blue Max 3:00pm World Snooker Championship 5:55pm The Witness Cartoon spin-off of the popular Harrison Ford movie, Witness. This time the Amish have been replaced by smurfs and Harrison Ford is voiced by Darren Day. 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm World Snooker Championship 10:00pm Have I Got News for You 10:30pm Wonder Boys 12:15pm Joins BBC News 24 1:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel:Talk Greek For all the Greek people out there: “Taverna”, “Athens”, “Tziki”, “George Micheal”, “Feta”. 3:00am Mediterranean Cookery Paella, Penelope Cruz, Bolognaise, Pizza, Lasagne, Ciabatta, Calzone, Parma Ham. Ok, I can see this is getting rather tiresome for you and, by jingo, it’s getting rather tedious for me too. TV Ellen and TV Gareth have fucked off to the pub, leaving myself and TV John to fend for our wee selves YET AGAIN. Tsk Tsk.

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Animal Park 9:45am Homes under the Hammer 10:45am Car Booty 11:30am Bargain Hunt 12:15am BBC News; Regional News; Weather 12:40am Match of the Day Live: Women's FA Cup Final 3:00pm Cash in the Attic 4:00pm George of the Jungle 5:25pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:50pm Party Election Broadcast by the Conservative Party 5:55pm The Mask of Zorro 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm DIY SOS 9:00pm New Tricks 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:30pm Comedy Connections got handed a flyer for Rik Mayall’s new New Statesman show in Bristol today. Rik Mayall is a comedian. Rik Mayall has probably eaten at Pizza Hut (sorry Domino’s). Pizza Hut’s adverts are about as funny as gangrene. Actually, scrap that, gangrene IS actually quite funny. Pizza Hut’s adverts are about as funny as being stamped on the head repeatedly by a stiletto. 11:10pm One Foot in the Grave 11:40pm Tootsie 1:35am Sign Zone:Planet Earth 2:35am Sign Zone:The Queen at 80 The Queen posed for some saucy pictures dressed in a burlesquestyle outfit. Actually, that’s a lie. My birthday is the same day as the Queen’s. I ended up with a penis drawn on my forehead. I bet the queen never had a cock on her head did she, eh? 3:35am Sign Zone:Girl Cops 4:05am Sign Zone:Stately Suppers 4:35am Joins BBC News 24 I’ve just bitten the inside of my mouth. I never realised just how much it hurts.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:55am Frasier 9:20am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am Will Young: T4 Music Special 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Tecwyn y Tractor 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Selling Houses 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant (4.005.00):Medabots 4:20pm Bernard 4:25pm Stamina 4:50pm Gogs 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:25pm The Simpsons 6:50pm Llygad y Bwystfil 7:15pm Wedi 7 7:45pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Ffermio 9:00pm 1926: Y Streic Fawr 10:00pm Sgorio 11:05pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:35pm Destination Lost 12:20pm Invasion 1:05am Invasion 1:50am Dispatches 2:45am


Tuesday

May 1 - 7 2006

Page 23

welshpeople@cheaplousyscroungers.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss Ch4 10.10am

Say It With Noddy

five 8am

When Lineker Met Maradonna BBC1 11.05pm

Prisoners Out of Control

five 12am

All Day Every Day. Call 02920 229977.

E M I T E M I

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Kermit the Frog 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Threesomes 2:00pm The Charlatans' Ultimate Mixtape This will comprise of Bob Dylan and fuck all else, then. 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Lost 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm The OC 10:00pm Boys Will Be Girls 10:30pm Girls Aloud: Off the Record 11:00pm My Name Is Earl 11:25pm My Name Is Earl 11:55pm Lost 12:55pm Peep Show 1:30am Boys Will Be Girls 1:55am Girls Aloud: Off the Record 2:20am Point Pleasant 3:05am Line Of Fire 3:45am Beauty and the Geek 4:45am Fool Around... with Fran Cosgrave Twat.

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6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children Michael Richards (Kramer in Seinfeld) auditioned to the role of Al Bundy in this. That would have been crap! 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 8:30pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 9:00pm Britain's Youngest Mums and Dads 10:30pm ITV's Best Ever Ads 11:30pm Sure Fans United 12:00pm Prisoners Out of Control 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:35am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:40pm The Castle 3:15pm five news update 3:20pm Uncle Tom's Cabin 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm John Osborne and the Gift of Friendship 8:00pm House Doctor: Inside and Out 9:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation This series has been a bit of a let-down really. The only excitement has been watching how Nick’s radically changing facial hair and mop-top have shown up the fact the episodes are being shown in the wrong order, and appears to be more Tom Sellick in Magnum PI than a CSI Hunk. Grissom’s inclination towards the straw hat yokel look appears to have waned, thank the Lord. 10:00pm CSI: Miami The problem with CSI Miami is that every single crime pretty much involved someone being shot. Which yes, is realistic, but when you could have people being eaten by snakes, it’s a little drab. 11:00pm Prison Break 12:00pm Fifth Gear 1:00am ITU World Cup Triathlon

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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am The House Auction 1:00pm Designers Under Pressure 1:15pm Freedom Radio 3:00pm Come Dine with Me 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 8:00pm Location, Location, Location 8:30pm Turn Back Your Body Clock 9:00pm That'll Teach 'Em: Boys versus Girls 10:00pm Lost Lost is shit. FACT. 11:00pm Lost Two episodes of Lost is worse, mind. 12:00pm The Streets: Video Exclusive Will it be another slice of Great British life condensed into three minutes of pranks and japery? Or one of his dreary piano ballads that rip off Let It Be 12:05pm The Sopranos Overrated, discuss: 1:10am King of the Hill Still better than Family Guy, and you’d better believe it, fatso. 1:35am Copa Libertadores This is Spanish for “Fucking Your Mum” 2:30am Bare Knuckle Boxer 3:30am Rum, Sodomy and the Lash This is the name of a particularly good album by The Pogues. Fuck knows if this show is anything to do with that, but it’s a bit too much of a coincidence, surely. 4:30am Scrapheap Challenge 5:25am Countdown pesto

P R I M E T I M E

E M I T E M I R

7:00pm Planet Earth 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Digital Picture of Britain 9:00pm The Last Duel 10:00pm Quitters 11:30pm Band of Brothers Well made, but boring war drama. If this was music, it’d be classed as Dad-rock. 12:20pm Digital Picture of Britain 12:50pm The Last Duel 1:50am Quitters Quite possibly a documentary about people trying to give up smoking. Which surely is the sort of half-baked crap usually relegated to the schools programmes on Channel Four and feature a member of So Solid Crew going cold turkey. But this is BBC Four, so it’s probably about struggling young modern artists trying to quit smoking rollies in the studio.3:20am Digital Picture of Britain Hot music picks of mine over the Easter period include: The Islands, The Blue Nile, Aloha, Seth Lakeman, Band of Horses, Zombie Nation, Tarkio, The Black Heart Procession, The Thermals, The Ugly Casanovas, The Red House Painters, The Gossip, The Organ, Bruce Springsteen and Flin Flon. Check them out.

6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:00pm 60 Minute Makeover 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm Wycliffe 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:25pm Party Election Broadcast 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm The Ferret 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm The Matrix Reloaded Dreadful sequel to ludicrous Keanu Reeves scifi trenchcoat shitefest. This is actually the only Matrix film I’ve ever seen, so I’m not really one to discuss the matter. It were fucking rubbish, mind. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm The Matrix Reloaded 12:05pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:00am Mum's On Strike 4:35am I Want That House Revisited 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News I’m really desperate to go to the pub tonight, so I’m rushing this tonight, sorry. The Mint (see above) is worth a watch actually, not least because of the improbable number of wrong answers that get repeated throughout the night. It’s also got the big chinned bum-smuggler who used to be chief gurner on five’s Brainteaser. Which is like a prototype The Mint, if you think about it. He’s a prick.

P R I M E T I M E

7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Ideal 11:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:30pm MPs' Outtakes Will this be another of these “Ain’t George Dubya funny?” clip shows, which is admittedly funnier than John Culshaw doing it, but I’d still rather be electrocuted than sit through this shit. 12:00pm The Smoking Room 12:30pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 1:25am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:55am Ideal 2:25am MPs' Outtakes 2:55am The Smoking Room Not as good as it could be. Which is all I have to say on the matter. 3:25am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Three years I’ve been writing for TV Desk now, that’s almost an entire student’s lifetime in Cardiff. Yet still there’s fuck all on BBC3 apart from Two Pints of Lager... repeats.

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Megamaths: Shape and Space 10:50am Megamaths 11:10am The Ape that Took Over the World 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:00pm Science Clips 1:10pm Science Clips 1:20pm Science Clips 1:30pm The Good Life 2:00pm am.pm 2:55pm Through the Keyhole 3:25pm Flog It! 4:25pm Ready Steady Cook 5:10pm Weakest Link 5:55pm The Witness 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu Fifty fags, a prostitute and a chocolate milk enema. Yum yum. 7:00pm The Apprentice 8:00pm Save Lullingstone Castle 8:30pm It's Not Easy Being Green The Green Goblin, Sarah Greene, Graham Green, Philip Green, Robert Green and The Green Cross Code Man all meet up to discuss the arduous lives they lead by sharing their name with a rather repulsive colour. 9:00pm The Lost World of Friese-Greene 10:00pm Little Angels 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Muriel Spark: a Tribute 12:15pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 1 4:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 2 - Algebra plankton.

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Missing 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Watchdog 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm Holby City 9:00pm A Life of Grime 9:30pm Traffic Cops 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Vets Men shoving their hands up dead rabbits shit-chutes in the name of edutainment. 11:05pm When Lineker Met Maradona “Mate, fancy some crisps, you fat maggot-dicked drug-addled cheating old fucker?” 11:50pm Medium 12:30pm Bitter Vengeance 2:20am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook Roast hedgehog eaten off a naked bike chick’s buttocks. 2:50am Sign Zone:Who Do You Think You Are? I think I am TV John, therefore I am TV John. 3:50am Sign Zone:Stately Suppers 4:20am Sign Zone:Stately Suppers Roast beef eaten off a servants naked buttocks. 4:50am Joins BBC News 24 pie paste

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Bobinogi 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ribidires 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Supernanny 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Anifail am Wythnos 4:20pm Planed Plant:Martin Mellten 4:40pm Planed Plant:Wap! 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Wynebau Newydd 9:00pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:00pm Con Passionate 11:05pm Grand Designs 12:05pm ER 1:00am The Faculty 2:45am The New Age Pipes

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Wednesday

Page 24

May 1 - 7 2006

whonow@whatnow.org

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters All Day Every Day.

Watch My Chops

The Plantsman

BBC1 4.15pm

BBC2 1.10pm

Everybody Loves Raymond C4 7.55am

Without A Trace

C4 11.05am

Call 02920 229977.

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Richard Ashcroft 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Threesomes 2:00pm Shayne Ward's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Lost 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Mission Impossible III: Evolution of a Blockbuster 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 10:30pm Smack the Pony 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 1:05am Chantelle's Dream Dates 1:35am Smack the Pony 2:05am Beauty and the Geek 3:05am Switched 3:25am Switched 3:45am Switched Up! 4:10am Switched Up! 4:30am Switched Up! 4:55am Fool Around... with Mikey from Phixx

E M I T E M I R

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Nanny 911 8:50pm Movies Now 9:00pm Britain's Oldest Mums and Dads Expect the bigwigs at ITV to have disregarded the fact that if you are a grandmother, you are still a mother. Unless your child is dead like. In which case. Gutted. I mean sorry. 10:30pm Mission: Impossible II 12:50pm Coronation Street 1:20am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It with Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:35am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:30pm While Justice Sleeps 3:20pm five news update 3:25pm Gambit 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm England v Germany: The Legends As if anti-German feeling needed any more encouragement prior to the World Cup. Expect this to be a well considered and fair argument probably pitting the likes of, ooooh, Florence Nightingale, against Adolf Hitler. 10:00pm Escape to Victory In World War II, a group of Nazi officers come up with a propaganda event in which an all star Nazi team of Übermensch will play a team composed of Allied Prisoners of War in a Soccer (Football) game. The Prisoners agree, planning on using the game as a means of escape from the camp and safe in the knowledge that with John Wark on their team, nothing can go wrong. Load of bollocks mind you. 12:15pm Poker Night 1:50am Baseball: MLB Wednesday 4:45am V8 Supercars 5:15am World Motocross Championship

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7:00pm Family Ties 7:30pm Family Ties 8:00pm The World Oh how I hate BBC Four and its vague programme titles. 8:30pm Take One Museum 9:00pm The Three Lives of William Wallace 10:00pm A History of Britain by Simon Schama That’s the whole history of Britain nailed in 60 minutes. My ‘British Expansion Overseas 1880-1945’ module has been going on for months. 11:00pm Britain's Best, Most Fabulous, Amazing, Super Duper, Stick It Up Your Jumper Buildings 12:00pm Hieronymus Bosch: The Delights of Hell There’s a lot of German bashing going on over the channels tonight, so as a gesture of good will I shall list a couple of good German lap-pop bands: Lali Puna, The Notwist, Ms. John Soda. That’s it. Fucking Nazis. 1:00am Take One Museum This programme’s on three times tonight. If they took three museums in the first place perhaps things would have been a lot more interesting. 1:30am Family Ties 2:00am Family Ties 2:30am Britain's Best Buildings 3:30am Take One Museum

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:20am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:15am Playing It Straight USA Why does every morning on Channel 4 look like holiday TV? Kids have no reason to not pretend to be sick every day. And why are we presenting them with such morally lacking programming? Disgrace. (This roughly translates as “this is the sort of crap I’d like to watch, why do they put it on when I’ll still be asleep?”) 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am House Auction 1:00pm They Who Dare 3:00pm Come Dine with Me Basically a group of mediocre celebrities take it in turns to throw dinner parties for each of them to attend. Sounds like a load of rubbish. So naturally I watch it every day. 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Out of the Box 8:00pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special Not a Bikini Kill special sadly. Although a makeover from Kathleen Hanna would be quite interesting viewing. 9:00pm Grand Designs Revisited 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm Robbie Williams: Video Exclusive 11:10pm Mississippi Burning: The End Game 12:10pm The Sopranos 1:20am PJ Harvey: Live on Tour 1:50am South American Football Championship 2:45am KOTV Classics

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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News 1:30pm Loose Women 2:00pm 60 Minute Makeover 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm Wycliffe 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm The Matrix Revolutions It is a dark time for the world. Neo is trapped in the ‘Train Station’, between the Matrix and the Source. Zion is doomed to be crushed under an unstoppable army of countless Sentinels. But it is not only the human race that is in peril. The machines press ever onward against the humans, unaware that one force within the Matrix has slowly been growing, and has taken over that world completely: Smith. There is only one hope for both races, the one force that can stop Smith, and that is Neo. One final battle must ensue. And the outcome of this battle will decide the fate and future of both races. Bag. Of Wank. 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm The Matrix Revolutions 12:00pm Sure Fans United 12:25pm ITV Play: The Mint 4:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways 9:00pm Don't Say a Word A group of thieves steal a rare gem, but in the process, two of the men double cross the leader of the thieving group, Patrick (Sean Bean), and take off with the precious stone. Ten years later, prominent psychiatrist Nathan Conrad (Michael Douglas) is invited to examine a disturbed young woman named Elisabeth (Brittany Murphy). Patrick immediately kidnaps Nathan's daughter, forcing Nathan to attempt to get Elisabeth to reveal a secret number which will ultimately lead Patrick to the whereabouts of the precious gem that has eluded him. I’ve just pasted that in without reading a word. 10:50pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:20pm Trauma Uncut 11:50pm Forty Years of F**k So I assume that before 1966 couples ‘made love’? 12:45pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 1:45am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 2:45am Spendaholics

7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Trade Secrets 10:40am Earthquake Storms 11:30am am.pm 1:00pm The Plantsman 1:10pm The Plantsman 1:20pm Lifeline 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:00pm Narrow Escape 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm The Happiness Formula Food + Music + Death of My Enemies. Simple. 7:30pm Holidays in... Euroland 8:00pm Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 8:30pm Eating with... Knives and forks. Not your fingers, you mucky pup. 9:00pm The Apprentice I’m training up a few kids to try to be my PA. Every lunch time I walk to the school along the road and nab a few kids to train up to be my apprentice. So I give them important tasks to do, like going to the corner shop and buying me Double Deckers and boiling the kettle and spying on girls I like. Just those menial tasks that are below me, and therefore giving myself more time to lay face down on my bed. 10:00pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm Jerry Building: Unholy Relics of Nazi Germany 12:00pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Maths 3 4:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Missing 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm Really Wild Show 5:00pm Blue Peter 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Iolo's Welsh Safari In her last recorded performance before, well... dying, Lolo Ferrari presents a travel guide of Wales, taking in the twin peaks of Snowdonia. 7:30pm Schools Out I watched this yesterday. I was gonna watch Emmerdale but didn’t make it that far. Rubbish. 8:00pm Seaside Rescue 8:30pm Super Vets 9:00pm Angel of Death: the Beverly Allitt Story 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40pm Belonging 11:10pm Paparazzi 12:10pm Big Trouble 1:30am Sign Zone:See Hear 2:00am Sign Zone:Alternative Medicine: The Evidence 3:00am Sign Zone: Seaside Rescue Well if the seaside is going to hang around quite so close to the sea it’s gonna end up needing rescuing at some point. 3:30am Sign Zone:Stately Suppers 4:00am Joins BBC News 24

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:20am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:15am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12:50am Planed Plant Bach1:00pm Planed Plant Bach 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Time Team 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 4:25pm Planed Plant:Hip Neu Sgip? 4:50pm Planed Plant 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 9:00pm 04 Wal 9:30pm Sioe Gelf 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Lost 12:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:55pm 10 Years Younger Bikini Special 1:50am Mississippi Burning: The End Game 2:45am Banned in the UK 3:40am Copa Libertadores


Thursday

May 1 - 7 2005

Page 25

bestpicturesever@tvdesk.com

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The Curious House Guest

BBC 4 7pm

BBC 2 8pm

A Passion for Churches

Bandit

S4C 9.30pm

BBC 2 7pm

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Spendaholics Starring TV Grace, TV John and the rest of the dole-queue fantasists in the office. 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Forty Years of F**k Year 32: FUCK. Year 33: Fuck. Year 34: FUck, Year 35 FUCKO etc. 11:25pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 11:55pm Spendaholics 12:55pm Honey We're Killing the Kids I bought season 1 of American Gothic (finally) the other day. What a show! How was this show cancelled. 1:50am Forty Years of F**k 2:50am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Yeah Gareth, when you said you’d done half a page, what you actually meant was that you’d written the one paragraph and NOTHING ELSE. Enjoy yourself at the pub my friend, for it’ll be you sitting here at midnight next week while I galavant off to live it large in Cardiff’s fair watering holes.

7:00pm Primate Primers 7:10pm The Avengers 8:00pm The World 8:30pm Versailles I went to Versailles in 1996, and it was fucking CRAP. We weren’t allowed to go in the big mansion house thing, since we were all paupery year seven students with no traveller’s cheques. Half the fountains weren’t turned on either, which meant we had a picnic lunch sat infront of a dangerously unimpressive pissstained water pool, and the sun was so hot that most of the water lillies had wilted and died. Poor. Much like the 90% of France we visited on that trip, actually. The only saving grace was the Asterix Theme Park and I was almost sick after going on the pirate boat there. 9:00pm Owain Glyndwr: The Last Welsh Prince 10:00pm Lonesome Dove 11:30pm The Da Vinci Code: the Greatest Story Ever Sold 12:30pm Owain Glyndwr: The Last Welsh Prince 1:30am The Last Duel 2:30am Versailles 3:00am Owain Glyndwr: The Last Welsh Prince

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon Transformers are completely shit and always have been, discuss: 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show Ricky Wilson from the Kaiser Chiefs hosts this show about lakes. Boom boom. 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Mission Impossible 3 UK Premiere Special 8:00pm House of Horrors 9:00pm Mission: Impossible 2 ridiculously overcomplicated Scientologist wank-o-rama. 11:20pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 12:05pm Supernatural 1:05am ITV Play:

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Jamie Foxx 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00am Whatever... You Want 1:00pm Threesomes 2:00pm Kermit the Frog's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Mission Impossible III: Evolution of a Blockbuster 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Lost 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER 10:00pm My Name Is Earl 10:30pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 11:00pm Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 11:35pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 12:00pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 12:35pm Criss Angel: Mindfreak 1:00am ER 1:55am My Name Is Earl 2:25am Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 2:50am Criss Angel: Mindfreak 3:15am Criss Angel: Mindfreak 3:35am Lost 4:20am Switched 4:40am Switched

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6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:35am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00am Home and Away 12:30am BrainTeaser 1:30pm The Legend of Walks Far Woman 3:50pm five news update 3:55pm Irresistible Not to be confused with French film Irreversible, which would in no way be on at five to four in the afternoon. It’s great though. 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:15pm Rogue Raiders: Wild Boar 8:00pm Bride and Grooming 9:00pm House 10:00pm Grey's Anatomy Completely awful sexthemed medical shite which ruins fives excellent run of US imports which are really quite good. 11:00pm Suburban Shootout Apparently this is quite good, although I beg to differ, since it sounds like a bad cross between The League of Gentlemen and Smack The Pony. 11:30pm Swinging 12:00pm Cosmetic Surgery 1:00am Golazo Football Show 2:00am Portuguese Football 3:30am Football Argentina With Diego Maradona’s flacid little cock. 5:00am US Major League Soccer

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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am LK Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30am ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:00pm 60 Minute Makeover 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Mr Bean: The Animated Series 3:35pm The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers 3:45pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:00pm Bratz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm Wycliffe 6:00pm Wales Tonight 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Stories From The Street 8:00pm The Bill 9:00pm Vital Signs No. 5 when your head is falling off and your neck is only attached by one thin vein, then chances are you’re going to die pretty soon. 10:00pm Murder Squad 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Twelve Days That Shook the Nation 11:30pm Waterfront 12:00pm Free Ride Not to be confused with ‘Free Word’, which is the English translation of your beloved gair rhydd. Also not to be confused with the following Riders in the Storm, Ride a White Horse, Free The Birmingham Six, Free Peace Sweet, Free My Desire, Freaky Friday, Riding High and Low, Paperback Rider, Dan Ridler, Shaun Ryder, Freak or Unique, Freq Nasty, Freeek! or Ridge Riders. 4:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens 4:35am Moving Day 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Watch 10:45am Something Special 11:00am Razzledazzle 11:20am Primary Geography 11:30am English Express 12:00am The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:05pm Blood Alley 3:00pm Escape to the Country 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm A Passion for Churches 7:30pm Eating with... 8:00pm The Curious House Guest These are always the worst kind: “Where’s the toilet?” “Oh, I love that painting, where did you get it?” “This is wonderful tea, what is it?” “Can I have a go on your wife?” Etc. 8:30pm Mastermind 9:00pm This World: Killers' Paradise Paradise to The Killers is probably a world revolving entirely around them, wearing a hideous pink jacket whilst the sound of Duran Duran pollutes everyone’s ears. I hate them. 10:00pm Nighty Night 10:30pm Newsnight 11:20pm The Smoking Room 11:50pm Dragon's Den 12:20pm Joins BBC News 24 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science 1: Physics 4:00am GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science Ink

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Missing 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15am Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Watch My Chops Strangely enough, I’ve just been discussing mouths with TV John, who had an extra row of teeth like a shark when he was younger. We’ve been sharing tales of teenage brace angst, but unfortunately neither of us had one of those rather fetching al over head brace jobbies. Darn and blast! 4:15pm Watch My Chops 4:30pm Really Wild Show I found out the other day that Jamie Foxx’s real name is Eric Bishop. Micheala Strachan’s real name is Michela Strachan. I can’t believe she still presents this progamme, she must be at least sixty by now. 5:00pm Totally Doctor Who 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today; Weather 7:00pm Open All Hours 7:30pm EastEnders 8:00pm New Street Law 9:00pm The Street 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Dragon's Eye Seeing as I’m all ready to start writing this sentence and happy to let TV John finish it, I’ll just rant on about how I look like Jenny Eclair and dribbled onto a toilet seat last weekend. Arf. 11:05pm Question Time 12:10pm Election Night

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:20am Playing It Straight USA 10:10am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:05am Without a Trace 12:00am News at Noon 12:30am Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 12:45am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 12:50am Planed Plant Bach:Wil Cwac Cwac 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Ari Awyren 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder: Me and My Machine 1:20pm Time Team 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Crafwr 4:25pm Planed Plant:Spider-Man 4:45pm Tisio Prisio 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hip Neu Sgip? 7:00pm Wedi 7 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Clwb Garddio 9:00pm Rhodri Jones: Yn Ol 9:30pm Bandit 10:00pm Ralio 11:00pm Bradford Riots 12:30pm That'll Teach 'Em 1:30am Carry On Dick 3:00am

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Friday

Page 26

May 1 - 7 2006

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Best Of Friends

Eggheads

BBC1 4.30pm

BBC2 10am

Designers Under Pressure

C4 1.00pm

The Clangers

five 8.50am

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7:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Doctor Who 9:45pm Three's Outtakes 10:00pm EastEnders 10:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 11:00pm Ideal 11:30pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 12:00am Spendaholics 1:00am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 1:30am Ideal 2:00am The Smoking Room 2:30am The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 3:00am The Trouble with Young People is that they swear too much. Yo peeps, TV Gareth here, back from Easter holidays. I only got two eggs here, which makes me think my relatives have some stupid theory that enjoyment of chocolate and gluttony decreases with age. Oh no. Spent most of my time watching Green Wing on DVD and eating the best kind of sandwich: that which somebody else has made for me. I also started drinking again. Alcohol, like. For the first time in 18 months. So I spent too much time heckling Jeff Buckley covers

7:00pm Time 8:00pm The World 8:30pm The Highland Sessions 9:00pm Lost Highway: The Story of Country Music 10:00pm Sing Country: Emmylou Harris 10:30pm Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own 11:30pm The Avengers 12:20pm War Stories 2:20am Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own 3:20am The Highland Sessions at open-mic nights. However if they do take my advice, the world will be a better place and we’ll all be happy. Unless you like Jeff Buckley too. In which case you probably think The Bends is the best Radiohead album. In which case you won’t be happy. In which case you are wrong. In which case you should probably take my advice aswell. Good, glad we’ve got that sorted out. Meanwhile I’m sat here with tech-wizard Graeme LEECHING off my computer by plugging his laptop into my computer and stealing, I dunno... bandwidth and, ummm... processor from me. So if you’re reading this slowly, that’s probably why.

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Sabrina 7:30am Transformers Energon 8:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 8:30am Mummies Alive 9:00am Sonic Underground Thurston Moore and Lou Reed. 9:25am Coronation Street 9:55am Emmerdale 10:25am The Oprah Winfrey Show 11:10am Judge Judy 12:30pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 1:30pm Airline 2:00pm Coronation Street 2:30pm Emmerdale 3:00pm The Jeremy Kyle Show 4:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:55pm The Montel Williams Show 5:45pm Judge Judy 7:00pm Married with Children 7:30pm Spin City 8:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 8:30pm American Idol 9:20pm American Idol Results 9:50pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 10:20pm Coronation Street 10:50pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 11:35pm The Ricki Lake Show 12:25am Married with Children 12:55am Movies Now 1:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping

6:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Snow Patrol 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 12:30pm Threesomes 1:00pm Threesomes 2:00pm Jamie Foxx's Ultimate Mix Tape Ah, you just know this cool cat is all about the CD-R. 2:30pm Mission Impossible III: Evolution of a Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blockbuster 3:00pm Beauty and the Geek 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Lost 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Mickey Blue Eyes 12:00am The Album Chart Bag Of Wank Show 12:30pm Carling Live 24 2:10am Porn: A Family Business 2:40am Porn: A Family Business 3:10am Wife Swap 4:10am Switched 4:30am Switched 4:50am Fool Around... with the Cheeky Girls

6:00am Franklin 6:20am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:45am Hi-5 7:20am Roobarb and Custard Too 7:30am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 7:45am Make Way for Noddy 8:00am Say It With Noddy 8:05am Fifi and the Flowertots 8:20am Peppa Pig 8:25am Funky Valley 8:35am Titch 8:50am The Clangers 9:00am The Wright Stuff 10:30am Trisha Goddard 11:30am five news 12:00pm Home and Away 12:30pm BrainTeaser 1:45pm The Gun and the Nun 3:30pm five news update 3:35pm Au Pair 2 5:30pm five news 6:00pm Home and Away I watched this during Easter. It was a bit nuts. Better than The Simpsons though 6:30pm Two and a Half Men 7:00pm five news 7:30pm Dingo Attack 8:30pm Nice House, Shame about the Garden 9:00pm Tom and Katie: A Showbiz Marriage 10:00pm Law and Order 11:00pm Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 12:00pm John Barnes' Football Night 12:55pm Boxing: Fight of the Week 2:00am Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 50 minutes does NOT constitute a night. 2:50am Poker Night: Partypoker.com Football and Poker Legends World Cup 4:20am World Supercross Grand Prix This is nothing. I compete in World Awesomecross. It’s basically extreme noughts and crosses. But with just the crosses. And the crosses are actually spikes. And you have to stab eachother in the head. Needless to say it’s more awesome than Supercross Grand Prix is super though.

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6:00am Grabbit the Rabbit Who the fuck would name their child Grabbit? 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond That this programme has been demoted to early morning viewing again is a DISGRACE!! And, that in its place is Will And Grace is an even greater disgrace. 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:45am Frasier 10:15am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm House Auction 1:00pm Designers Under Pressure 1:15pm Guadalcanal Diary 3:00pm Come Dine with Me 3:30pm Countdown 4:15pm Deal or No Deal 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show How long does ‘new’ count as being new? Like, when it’s not new anymore, what is the show called then? The Paul O’ Grady Show. In which case it should have been called that from the start. Good. 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:35pm Unreported World 8:00pm Will and Grace 8:30pm Will and Grace 9:00pm Green Wing Best thing on TV. Possibly ever 10:05pm My Name Is Earl 10:35pm Beauty and the Geek TV genius. Actually not to be missed. 11:35pm Vodafone TBA Knowing Channel 4 it’ll probably be some shit music programme. 12:45am Mortal Thoughts I’d like to have a computer with not only speech marks, but also ‘thought marks’. 2:30am Confessions of a Trickbaby “It wasn’t real, it was all a trick”. 4:10am Wild Things 5:00am Countdown 5:45am Vee-TV

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6:00am GMTV Newshour 6:58am GMTV Today 8:35am Entertainment Today 9:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 10:30am This Morning 12:30pm ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1:30pm Loose Women 2:00pm 60 Minute Makeover 3:00pm Louie 3:10pm Pocoyo 3:15pm Tractor Tom 3:25pm Feodor 3:35pm Art Attack 3:55pm How II 4:20pm Skillz 4:30pm Rising Damp 5:00pm Wycliffe Finally ITV gets a replacement for the long departed, ‘batting for the other side’ Paul O’Grady, in the shape of former Fugee and ‘perfect gentleman’ because even though he goes to stripclubs he still looks after the ladies whilst he’s there Wycliffe Jean. Check yo’self before yo’ reck yo’self. 6:00pm Wales Tonight Sung to the tune of Eagle Eye Cherry’s Save Tonight. 6:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8:30pm A Touch of Frost 10:30pm ITV News 11:00pm Tarrant on TV 11:35pm TV Gareth Playlist In the words of the guy that speaks at the beginning of the Run DMC v Jason Nevins track: “It’s Like That”...And it goes a little something like this: Twinkle Echo Casiotone For The Painfully Alone, Taking The Rough With The Scooch - Huggy Bear. Out Of The Loop - I Am The World Trade Center, Bring It Back - Mates Of State. 12:00am ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am Too Many Cooks = too much food. Just stick it in the freezer and save it for another day. 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

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7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:10am Astro Boy 7:30am Level Up 8:30am CBeebies:Lazytown 8:55am Boogie Beebies 9:10am Boogie Beebies 9:25am Tweenies 9:45am Pingu 10:00am Lunar Jim 10:10am Our Planet 10:20am Ethelbert the Tiger 10:30am Primary History: Britain Since 1948 10:50am Primary History 11:10am Primary History 11:30am Focus 11:50am Focus 12:00pm The Daily Politics 12:30am Working Lunch 1:30pm Murder Ahoy 3:00pm Escape to the Country 3:30pm Flog It! 4:30pm Ready Steady Cook 5:15pm Weakest Link 6:00pm Eggheads 6:30pm Great British Menu 7:00pm Scrum V Live 9:00pm Gardeners' World 9:30pm The Iron Coffin 10:20pm What the Ancients Did for Us £5 at Christmas. Nothing. Gas ‘em and then realise just how stingey they were being all those years when you get the inheritance. 10:30pm Newsnight 11:00pm Newsnight Review 11:35pm Later with Jools Holland Pearl Jam!! Corrine Bailey Rae!! The Zutons!! Chlamydia!! 12:35am The Daytrippers 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest 2:30am Women and Allegory: Gender and Sculpture in Two Societies 3:00am Informer, Eduquer, Divertir? Je ne cest pas. 3:30am Declining Citizenship 4:00am Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story 4:30am Open Advice: A Different Way of Learning 5:00am Talking about Care 5:30am Ever Wondered about Food? Nope. If only they’d asked me sooner.

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6:00am Breakfast 9:15am Missing 10:00am City Hospital 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 11:30am Car Booty 12:15pm Cash in the Attic 1:00pm BBC News; Weather 1:30pm Regional News and Weather 1:40pm Neighbours In the quest for modernisation certain things in life fall by the wayside. In this case, Graeme’s super new way of retrieving TV listings means that we don’t get the info on what happens in Neighbours anymore. Too bad hey? But listen up, for I will say this only once. In months to come, you need know only these three words... LOU... RUSSIAN. .. BRIDE. Oh yes. Neighbours, as ever, doing their bit to reinforce racial stereotypes. 2:05pm Doctors 2:35pm Murder, She Wrote Murder She Fucking Wrote? There are four series of Monk so I see no need to bring this rubbish back yet. Jessica Fletcher can fuck right off. 3:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25pm CBBC:Charlie and Lola 3:35pm Arthur 4:00pm Fairly Odd Parents 4:15pm Fairly Odd Parents 4:30pm Best of Friends 4:55pm Stitch Up 5:25pm Newsround 5:35pm Neighbours 6:00pm BBC News and Weather 6:30pm Wales Today 7:00pm A Question of Sport 7:30pm Airport 8:00pm EastEnders 8:30pm Home Again 9:00pm Have I Got News for You 9:30pm Smith and Jones Sketchbook 10:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11:35pm Big Momma's House 1:10am Joins BBC News 24

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 7:55am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am Will and Grace 8:50am Frasier 9:45am Frasier 10:15am My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss 11:10am Without a Trace 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm Planed Plant Bach 12:45pm Planed Plant Bach:Bibi Bel 12:50pm Planed Plant Bach 1:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pentre Bach 1:15pm 3 Minute Wonder 1:20pm Sarah Beeny's Streets Ahead 2:25pm Deal or No Deal 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade 4:25pm Planed Plant 4:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 5:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Uned 5 7:30pm Newyddion 8:00pm Pobol y Cwm 8:25pm Hwyl y Noson Lawen 8:55pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:00pm Derren Brown 11:30pm Beauty and the Geek 12:30am Green Wing 1:30am My Name Is Earl 1:55am Will and Grace 2:20am Will and Grace 2:45am KOTV Classics 3:40am Copa Libertadores


Saturday

May 1 - 7 2006

Page 27

loscampesinos@funfactory.May8th.com

20% Student Discount on all Pizzas & Starters The Perfect Holiday

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BBC2 1.15pm

itv2 8.55pm

Don’t Blame the Koalas

Five 9.20am

Pulling Power

ITV1 2.55pm

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7:00pm Strictly Dance Fever on Three 7:45pm Doctor Who Confidential 8:15pm How I Met Your Mother Basically your mother’s a chicken and I was abducted by aliens and they forced us to copulate thinking she was a female human and although it was kinda awkward at first and I felt ashamed after, her winning smile and finelytrimmed feathers won me over. And that’s why you’re getting bullied at school. ‘Coz you all have beaks. 8:40pm The Apprentice 9:40pm The Jackal 11:15pm To Be Announced 7:15pm Doctor Who 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm Grown Ups are just overgrown teenagers who accuse you of being on drugs when your eyes are just a little blood shot ‘coz you had too much Red Bull. I was high on caffine NOT ketamine mum! 10:30pm Ideal would be a nice boy with a lip piercing. 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron

7:00pm Testing Mozart He’s dead so he’s isn’t proving to be a very good test subject, he failed the maths, English and French exam. But weirdly passed the German oral. 8:00pm India's Monsoon Railway 8:55pm To Be Announced 10:00pm The Chatterley Affair 11:30pm The Mark Steel Lecture 12:00pm India's Monsoon Railway 12:55pm To Be Announced The ideal thing to be announced right now at this time for blokes I assume would be porn. They went to Come Play or Creation didnt get lucky, and can come back and have a nice wank. 1:00am The Chatterley Affair And then, as if I had sniffed out the word ‘wank’ from afar, TV Gareth shows up. Yeh, me here. TV Ellen has nipped out for a cigarillo and so I have pounced into her seat to get closer to getting this bad boy finished so we can depart for The City Arms for drinky-poos. So TV Desk fans, if you fancy meeting your heroes at any point, head down to 2:30am Testing Mozart 3:30am The Mark Steel Lecture

6:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 7:20am MacDonald's Farm 7:40am Bag People 8:10am Woodpecker's Tale 8:25am Mags and Mo 8:40am Babar 9:00am Time to Dance 9:10am Teleshopping 9:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 12:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 2:30pm Holiday Showdown 3:30pm Celebrity Fit Club USA 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6:00pm Breaking the Magician's Code 7:00pm Airline USA 7:30pm Airline USA 8:00pm Nanny 911 8:50pm Planet's Funniest Animals 9:10pm About a Boy 11:05pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 11:35pm Haunted Homes 12:15pm Mission Impossible 3 UK Premiere Special 12:45pm Movies Now 1:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 3:30am Emmerdale Omnibus City Arms on a Thursday Eve for indie smash hits with our favourite DJ Twisted Gary and we can give you some exclusive insight into the bollocks we have written mere hours before. DAYS before they hit the newsstands. Word Mofo.

6:00am E4 Music Zone 2:00pm The Album Chart Show 2:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends your friends LOVE THE COCK 6:00pm Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 7:00pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm Lost in Lost 10:05pm Lost 11:05pm Lost in Lost 11:10pm Lost 12:10pm Lost in Lost 12:15pm Destination Lost 1:15am Porn: A Family Business 1:45am Your mum, brother dad and sister LOVE THE COCK Porn: A Family Business Your auntie, uncle, cousin and grandad LOVE THE COCK 2:15am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 3:15am Porn: A Family Business Your half brother, adopted uncle, second cousin twice removed, step twin sister and half sisters uncles twins brothers dog LOVE THE COCK 3:35am The Pepsi Max World Challenge Pepsi Max LOVES THE COCK 4:35am Switched 5:00am Fool Around... with My Girlfriend your girlfriend LOVES THE COCK. Just not yours.

6:00am Sunrise 6:55am Oswald 7:15am The Save-Ums! 7:25am The Save-Ums! 7:45am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:15am The Book of Pooh 8:45am George Shrinks 9:20am Don't Blame the Koalas This show argues against a recent theory that the Koalas are behind every major disastor in the past 20 years. All the dictators had Koala’s Pol Pot, Hitler and Blair. OWWW political statement I SO BURNED YOU LABOUR. FACE FACE FACE. I know nothing about politics. Just koalas. But I don’t like Torys) 9:50am RAD: The Groms Down Under 10:20am Xcalibur 10:55am Blue Water High 11:25am Fifth Gear 12:30am Larry 2:15pm The Soul Collector 4:05pm 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up 5:40pm Charmed 6:30pm Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol The misfit Police Academy graduates now are assigned to train a group of civilian volunteers to fight crime once again plaguing the street. I was seeing a guy once who had all the police academy films on DVD. I should have run away then. 8:00pm NCIS 8:55pm five news and sport 9:10pm CSI:NY 10:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 11:10pm Blink I challenge you not to Blink until quiz call is on. If you can manage this and prove it to me and your eyeballs havent disintergrated, I will do fuck all. And that’s a promise. 1:10am Quiz Call 5:30am Animal Airport Dogs, cats and badgers are forced into areoplanes and taught to fly over orphanages. Hilarity ensues.

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6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am Formula 3 on 4 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4:Futurama 9:25am T4:Pure T4 9:55am T4:Friends 10:25am T4:Popworld 11:15am T4:Friends 11:45am T4:Beauty and the Geek 12:50am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm It's Me or the Dog 4:30pm Supernanny 5:30pm Deal or No Deal 6:40pm Channel 4 News 7:10pm To Be Announced 9:10pm How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days tell him that one day you would like to get married and have kids. And he will assume you mean with him and move continents. 11:20pm Green Wing 12:25pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 12:55pm 4 Music:4Music Presents... 1:25am 4 Music:4Play 1:35am 4 Music:4Play 1:45am 4 Music:4Play 1:55am To Be Announced 2:00am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments Like the time he nearly dropped his child out the window or was accused of being a paedophile. Awww Magical Moments. Someone get the roses out. 2:10am To Be Announced 5:15am Countdown By Fembots I mean those girls who were wearing little surfing outfits and bikinis on Monday at Factory. Let’s stop this kind of thing now. TV Ellen’s campaign to stop girls trying to justify their lack of hugs at childhood by wearing little clothes in an attempt to get attention from rugby boys campaign thing. I will think of a snappier title. Let’s just call it Operation More Clothing For The Fembots.

PRIMETIME

6:00am Boohbah 6:10am Pocoyo 6:25am Fun Song Factory 6:35am Little Einsteins 7:00am Dora the Explorer becomes disillusioned with exploring and burns her passport. And the concept of the show is fucked.7:25am House of Mouse Mouse ends up moving out of his house into a semi detatched bungalow. And the concept of the show is fucked. 7:55am Dave the Barbarian Learns social skills and gets a job on the nightshift at the yogurt factory. And the concept of the show is Fucked.8:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Avatar 9:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 11:30am Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 12:00am Planet's Funniest Animals 12:20am ITV News; Weather 12:25am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:30am F1: European Grand Prix Qualifying 2:25pm Pulling Power 2:55pm Creature Comforts 3:10pm The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 4:10pm The Rockford Files 5:05pm ITV Wales News and Weather 5:20pm Local News and Weather 5:25pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5:40pm You've Been Framed! I miss Jeremy Beadle and his little hand, and I know it’s the first thing you thought of too. 6:10pm Peter Pan 8:10pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9:10pm Ultimate Force 11:10pm ITV News 11:25pm The 13th Warrior 1:20am ITV Play: The Mint 4:10am People's Court I’m taking my flatmate to this. Stole my cheese 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News

PRIMETIME

6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:20am Tweenies 6:40am Big Cook Little Cook 7:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 7:15am Arthur 7:40am Dennis the Menace 8:00am Watch My Chops ‘Coz I’m just popping out for five minutes and I reaaally don’t want them overdone coz last time I did that you beat me repeatly about the face with the burned grisly remains. ALRIGHT, I TV Ellen have officially gone insane. Just there. 8:15am Trollz 8:35am What's New Scooby Doo? 9:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 11:45am Sportsround 12:00am See Hear 12:45am Talking Movies 1:10pm Film To Be Announced 3:30pm To Be Announced 5:45pm Great British Menu 6:15pm Flog It! 7:15pm To Be Announced 9:10pm To Be Announced 10:40pm QI 11:10pm Film To Be Announced 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Rough Science 2:30am Truth Will Out So watch out Cliff Richard, people will find out you like picking up sticks in the winter time. That you like your bread buttered horizontally. That you like catching the rabbit not the hare. That you love the cock.2:45am What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? 3:00am A Thread of Quicksilver 3:30am The Mother of All Collisions 4:00am Maiden Flights 4:30am Did Tibet Cool the Earth? 5:00am Persisting Dreams 5:30am Ever Wondered? A show exploring those questions you never asked but should, such as “Why are people going to the summer ball?” and “Why does the Welsh Club play the Kaiser Chiefs?” and “WHY THE HELL DID IT TAKE ME FORTY MINUTES TO GET A DRINK AT FACTORY ON MONDAY” I blame the fembots.

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PRIMETIME

6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Weekend 24 10:00am Saturday Kitchen 11:30am Great British Menu Kebabs from T&A’s 12:00am BBC News; Weather 12:10am Football Focus 1:00pm Grandstand 1:05pm Badminton Horse Trials Preview 1:15pm Racing from Haydock Park 1:20pm Badminton Horse Trials 1:45pm Racing from Haydock Park 1:55pm Badminton Horse Trials 2:10pm Racing from Haydock Park 2:25pm Badminton Horse Trials Horses are given tennis rackets and due to their lack of opposable thumbs hilarity ensues. 3:50pm Football Half-Times 3:55pm Badminton Horse Trials 4:30pm Wales on Saturday 5:10pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:30pm To Be Announced 6:00pm Strictly Dance Fever 7:00pm Doctor Who 7:45pm The National Lottery Jet Set 8:20pm Casualty 9:10pm Strictly Dance Fever 9:40pm To Be Announced 10:10pm BBC News; Weather 10:30pm Match of the Day 11:50pm Film To Be Announced If I could pick any film to be shown I would choose the classic that is The Breakfast Club. It highlights everything that was good about the eighties, the shoulder pads, the cheesy dancing and the classic line “Are you two lovers? Did you give her the hot beef injection?” I’d let John Bender give me the hot beef injection any day of the week. What a bad ass. 1:30am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2:30am Joins BBC News 24 Last week I was told that the reason I didnt like the Beatles was because I was emo. BURN.

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am French Football: Le Championnat 7:30am Formula 3 on 4 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 10:30am Totally Frank 11:00am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 12:00am The OC 12:55am Beauty and the Geek 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm Y Clwb Rygbi 5:55pm Y Clwb Rygbi 8:00pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8:15pm 1926: Y Streic Fawr 9:15pm O Flaen Dy Lygaid 10:15pm How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days 12:20pm The Craft A newcomer to a Catholic prep high school falls in with a trio of outcast teenage girls who practice witchcraft and they all soon conjure up various spells and curses against those who even slightly anger them. I love this film, it made me want to be become a witch, before I realised they existed in real life as pagans and did fuck all apart from chant to trees. I SO BURNED YOU PAGANS. 2:10am Derren Brown: The Heist 3:05am The Real Vampire Chronicles 4:00am KOTV

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Sunday

Page 28

May 1 - 7 2006

Panic!@TheEmo.com

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The Princess and The Warrior BBC4 10pm

The Trouble With Gay Men BBC3 11.30pm

Tears of the Sun C5

9pm

Planet’s Funniest Animals itv2 9.25am

Call 02920 229977.

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7:00pm Doctor Who Confidential Doctor Who comes to terms with the fact he did his degree in sociology and is not a real Doctor. 7:15pm Doctor Who 8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Little Britain 9:30pm Little Britain 10:00pm Grown Ups 10:30pm Ideal 11:00pm The Real Hustle 11:30pm The Trouble with Gay Men is the emo blokes kissing each other and taking pictures of it giving them a bad name. 12:00am Tammy Wynette: 'Til I Can Make it on my Own I’ll keep on putting bulletins on MySpace asking people to comment on my pictures. Or telling people im bored. And then when I do find a boyfriend I will post pictures of us together kissing and put “This boy completes me” underneath. And people will wonder which one is the girl. ‘Coz of our emo fringes. 1:00am The Chatterley Affair Mr Chatterly blocks Mrs Chatterly on MSN after discovering he is not in her Top Eight 2:35am Testing Mozart 3:35am The Mark Steel Lecture

7:00pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 8:00pm India's Monsoon Railway 8:55pm To Be Announced 10:00pm The Princess and the Warrior Is this like an Odd Couple style sitcom? Example of script Princess: My I have 50,000 friends on MySpace, all emo men wanting to be my emo Prince. Warrior: But Princess, I messaged you yesterday promising to take you in a manly fashion, and you did not reply. Princess: But I dont want a man, i want a make up wearing sexuality confused boy, who will knit me a scarf. Warrior: But I defeat dragons and drink flagons of ale Princess: No I want a straight edge man who will write songs about me on their guitar Warrior: But I defeated the evil Falcore and stopped the world from the apocolypse Princess: Yer, but XcoreX Ryan cried when Johnny died in the O.C 12:15pm Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 1:15am To Be Announced

6:00am Fun Song Factory 6:10am Babar 6:35am Pocoyo 6:50am Fun Song Factory 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am The Sunday Programme 9:00am Teleshopping 9:25am Planet's Funniest Animals Badgers with Banjos, Kittens in Mittens and Frogs in Frocks. 9:55am American Idol 10:40am American Idol Results 11:05am Nanny 911 12:00am Emmerdale Omnibus 2:50pm About a Boy 4:50pm Coronation Street Omnibus 7:15pm Planet's Funniest Animals 7:45pm American Idol 8:30pm American Idol Results 9:00pm Supernatural 10:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 10:30pm Coronation Street 11:00pm UTurn 1:25am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:00am Teleshopping Match the quote to the show “I loved you piggy I LOVED YOU.” “I wanna be a mongoose dog.” “I’m gonna sing the doom song now, doom dooom doom doom.” “I saw a squirrel it was going like this.” “A sandwich came outta my HEAD.”

6:00am E4 Music Zone 1:10pm The Pepsi Max World Challenge 2:10pm Popworld 3:00pm Chantelle's Dream Dates 3:30pm Pure T4 4:00pm Young, Sexy and... Rich 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm The OC 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm ER 9:00pm Invasion 10:00pm Lost 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00pm My Name Is Earl 12:30pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 1:20am The OC Some more people fall in love with Marissa, her and Ryan fight about it and Seth says something ironic with a lisp. Every week the same. 2:15am ER 3:10am My Name Is Earl 3:35am The Pepsi Max World Challenge 4:35am Switched 5:00am Fool Around... with My Boyfriend Speaking of Boyfriends, my love life has hit a whole new low that i have started dreaming about Paul Smith from Maximo Park. I mean... he has a comb over. And in my dream were not just talking. Were doing the horizontal Fandango. Over and Over.

6:00am Franklin 6:25am Bear in the Big Blue House 6:50am Oswald 7:05am The Save-Ums! 7:25am The Save-Ums! 7:40am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 7:55am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 8:10am The Book of Pooh 8:45am George Shrinks 9:20am Snobs 9:50am Make It Big 10:25am Heroes of History 10:55am Blue Water High 11:30am Round the Twist This show was amazing! Did anyone see the episode where a fox turned into a lemon tree? This isn’t a hypothetical queston, I want you to seek me out and tell me. 12:00am A Different Life 12:30am Divine Designs 1:00pm five news update 1:10pm Sherlock Holmes: Dressed to Kill 2:35pm Seminole 4:10pm The Assassination Bureau 6:15pm five news and sport 6:25pm Film To Be Announced 8:00pm Everybody Hates Chris Coz he is a cunt. 8:30pm Everybody Hates Chris ‘Coz he laughs at disabled children 9:00pm Tears of the Sun Sounds like an emo band to me. Alright I have been hard up on the emo’s and the myspace today. I dont mind emos as i am partially emo myself, (it comes from my mother’s side) and I have a MySpace account. So if you wanna send me abuse and call me a hypocrite then BRING IT ON. As long as you comment on my pictures 50 times. And send me fall out boy questions. its forward slash bassgirl666. Coz I play Bass and I’m Satan’s Daughter. 11:15pm World's Wildest Police Videos 12:10pm Great Ireland Run 12:50pm Major League Baseball Live 4:05am Motorsport Mundial 4:30am England v Germany: The Legends

PRIME-

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:20am Vee-TV 8:50am T4:One Tree Hill 9:50am T4:Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:20am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 1:45pm Channel 4 Racing 3:55pm T4:The Pepsi Max World Challenge 5:00pm The Worst Jobs in History being Gary Glitter’s PR manager 6:00pm Lost 6:50pm Lost 7:40pm Channel 4 News 8:00pm Invasion 9:00pm 50 Greatest One Hit Wonders 12:10pm The Album Chart Show 12:40pm World Superbikes 1:40am KOTV 2:10am Copa Libertadores 3:15am British Formula 3 Championship 3:45am To Be Announced 4:15am French Football: Le Championnat I am interviewing Fall Out Boy for Quench. Here is a list of possible questions I may ask. “My friends hate your music; what do you say to them? I mean they REALLY hate your music. They would rather tear off their own arms and hit themselves with them until they pass out than listen to you. My friend even said he wanted to tear off his grandma’s arm if it was the only accesible arm near by JUST so he couldn’t hear your music! I mean they hate you that much. No question. Just thought you should no.” OR “Mr Lead Singer whose name I didn’t bother learning, can you learn to pronounciate your words. I mean what exactly does “WERE GONNA DAN DON IN A EALIER RUND ET SUGA WERE GONNA DIE SINGING” mean? Is it about the decay of the textile industry?” This is not a joke: I am seriously interviewing the, might ask the bassist bout his penis.

PRIME-

6:00am The Sunday Programme 7:00am Little Einsteins 7:25am Recess 7:40am Winx Club 8:05am Power Rangers SPD 8:30am SpongeBob SquarePants 8:50am Super Robot Monkey Team... 9:25am Skillz 9:30am Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 10:00am Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 10:30am Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 11:30am Wales Soccer Sunday 11:55am ITV Wales News and Weather 12:00am F1: European Grand Prix Live 3:00pm Treasure Island 4:45pm The Classical BRIT Awards 2006 5:30pm Family Fashion 6:00pm Grass Roots 6:25pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:40pm ITV News; Weather 7:00pm Emmerdale 7:30pm Coronation Street 8:00pm Heartbeat 9:00pm If I Had You 11:00pm ITV News 11:10pm 12 Books That Changed The World 12:10pm The Championship 12:40pm F1: European Grand Prix Highlights 1:40am ITV Play: The Mint 3:20am Fat Chance 3:45am Redcoats 4:10am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 4:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 5:00am ITV Nightscreen 5:30am ITV Early Morning News Ridler says TV is shit. I want the five people who read this to write in, do protests, cut off your pubic hair and mail it to him to PROVE HIM WRONG. We are hard-working students who couldn’t get onto other sections, so have to put our creative juices into this little area. You dont know what its like, we get poked, no free pizza, Gareth gets racial abuse about his farmer routes. I get accused of being emo. THAT HURTS.

PRIMETIM

6:00am CBeebies:Boogie Beebies 6:20am Tweenies 6:40am Big Cook Little Cook 7:00am CBBC:Batfink 7:10am Batfink 7:20am Krypto the Superdog 7:30am Smile :00am Sunday Brunch 1:30pm Sunday Grandstand 1:35pm Premiership Rugby Union 1:55pm Paralympic World Cup 2:45pm Badminton Horse Trials 3:45pm Paralympic World Cup 5:30pm Scrum V 6:20pm Racing With Camels 6:50pm To Be Announced A programme looking at urban myths (ie LIES) your parents told you. One: “Dont go near that swan, it will break your arm with its wing.” 7:00pm Top of the Pops 7:35pm To Be Announced Two: “Don’t accept sweets from strangers as they will molest and kill you.” I am going to actively encourage my kids to take sweets from strangers by not feeding them. It’s the only way they will learn. 8:00pm To Be Announced Three: “You are pretty, and it’s just puppy fat” some children are ugly and parents should tell them before Big Ned the school bully does. Just tell them they’re ‘Not aesthetically pleasing.’ More upbringing tips next week 9:00pm World Cup Stories 10:00pm To Be Announced 10:30pm The Office 10:55pm Arrested Development 11:25pm Arrested Development 11:50pm Film To Be Announced 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills in the Arts:The Complete Guide 3:00am Careers 4:00am Stagestruck 5:00am The Right Note will be played by me at fun factory on May 8 when my band (and TV Gareth’s) play at Fun Factory. check us out at www.myspace.com/loscampesinos. We will rock your organs

P R I M E T I M E

PRIME-

6:00am Breakfast 9:00am Sunday AM 10:00am Heaven and Earth with Gloria Hunniford 11:00am Bargain Hunt 11:30am Countryfile 12:00am The Politics Show 1:00pm EastEnders 2:55pm To Be Announced 4:15pm Points of View 4:35pm Final Score 5:20pm Songs of Praise 5:55pm Antiques Roadshow 6:35pm To Be Announced Since there are so many programmes To Be Announced I’m going to announce that the TV programmes are all going to be my favourite ones. That’s right, it’s TV Ellen taking over your TV. Or just your listings page. So this show is an hour examining why small emo girls with mullety hair at gigs should be BANNED. Michael Moore examines why you should stop doing your make up and adjusting your stripey tops and watch the freaking bands you tight trouser-wearing twats, with your metrosexual boyfriends. You’re meant to be the antidote to giggly pink-loving fembots due to the fact you have slightly decent music taste, but NO you’re helping regress feminism back 50 years. Eh hem. 7:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 8:00pm To Be Announced 10:00pm BBC News; Weather 10:15pm Panorama 11:00pm Match of the Day 12:30pm The Sky at Night 12:50pm Film To Be Announced My favourite film Justifying my childhood by taking thousands of Photoshopped black and white images of myself on myspace starring Emo McEmo and Sceney McScenester. 2:35am Sign Zone:Holby City 3:35am Sign Zone:A Passion for Churches 4:05am Sign Zone:The Armstrongs

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Trans World Sport 7:55am Red Bull Air Race 8:00am Hollyoaks Omnibus 10:30am One Tree Hill 11:30am Maniffesto 12:00am Yr Wythnos 12:30am Cwpwrdd Dillad 1:00pm 04 Wal 1:30pm To Be Announced 1:40pm T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 1:45pm Channel 4 Racing 2:30pm A Place in the Sun 3:00pm Relocation, Relocation 3:45pm Y Clwb PelDroed 6:00pm Newyddion 6:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 8:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8:30pm Chwarae'r Cymoedd 9:00pm Con Passionate 10:05pm Newyddion 10:20pm The Firm 1:10am Resurrection Man 2:45am Life Before Birth 4:35am Unreported World 5:05am Red Bull Air Race Have to say the funniest thing in The O.C was was when Johnny fell off the cliff, i mean he sniffs some tequila and then he’s all crazed and suicial. And surely as he fell off he would have least cried “Fuck this for a game of soldiers im off to one tree hill.” Twat.


Jobs & Money

May 1 2006

Page 29

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Un-men-ployed

Women more likely to find employment after graduating, says survey By Nicola Menage Jobs & Money Editor NEW RESEARCH SHOWS graduate men are more likely to be unemployed than women six months after graduating from a first degree, masters or PhD course. According to the Higher Education Careers Service Unit (HECSU) eight per cent of men were jobless six months after a first degree, compared with under five per cent of of women. For master graduates, six per cent of men were unemployed after six months, compared with under four per cent of women. A similar trend could also be seen for PhD students: fouyr and a half percent of men were unemployed compared with only three per cent of women. Total employment figures after a first degree, which exclude those in further study and unavailable for work, were 73.6 per cent for women and 70 per cent for men. The study of graduates from 2004 found that women took more part-time or unpaid work, or combined work with further study. Yet, women were slightly more likely to be employed in work that did not require a degree. Dr Charlie Ball, HECSU labour market analyst, believes this is to do with differences in job-seeking approaches between men and women.

MALE GRADUATES: More likely to just wait around for ‘dream’ job “The women’s view is: ‘my dream job hasn’t arrived, so I will go out and get a few more skills and experience under my belt so that when it arrives I will be ready.’ Men, are perhaps thinking, ‘my dream job hasn’t arrived yet so I will just stay here until it does.’ A report earlier this year by the

The end for notes and coins? A NEW OYSTER CARD, requiring no bank account, debit or PIN number could soon replace the notes and coins in our pockets and purses. The Oyster card is currently a pre-payment pass for travelling on the London underground and bus services, and is proving a fast and effective way of paying for transport. Londoners simply top up their plastic Oyster cards with cash, then tap it each time they go through the barriers. The cost of each journey is deducted from the card, and once it has run out, travellers top it up again. Transport for London (TFL) has its eye on expanding the market to include every-day low-cost items such as newspapers, drinks and food and, as a result, from next year the Oyster card will also transform into a ‘tap and go’ shopping card. Instead of using coins, TFL hope shoppers will use the Oyster card. Consumers will just have to touch a retailer’s till instead of signing anything or typing in a number. It hopes to be a fast and simple way of buying low-cost items. It's not the first time a ‘contactless’ card has been launched; ten years ago a system called Mondex

was piloted in Swindon, but turned into an expensive flop. What makes Oyster different is that it's already in the hands of millions of Londoners, who've become accustomed to topping up and swiping. Currently the average balance put on an Oyster card is £50 but TFL sees that rising to around £100 once ‘e-money’ goes ahead. At TFL, Will Judge, the manager ofrOyster's e-money project, says the rollout will begin next year. “After the launch of Oyster we quickly saw the logical leap to using it for other purchases”. Oyster and Mastercard are keen to talk up the benefits of ‘tap-andgo’ but the biggest winners are likely to be retailers. Handling cash costs shops a small fortune, from Securicor deliveries through to bank charges and in-store security. “There's also the losses from staff putting their fingers in the till,” says Mr Judge. What about security? Will customers really be prepared to have a £100 card that could be pinched and used without even having to tap in a Pin? Mr Judge says it's no more risky than withdrawing £100 at an ATM, and research suggests that once the risks are explained, customers are comfortable with the idea.

Association of Graduate Recruiters (AGR) predicted a 15 per cent rise in graduate positions, but said that as well as academic achievement employers wanted good team-workers with communication skills and cultural awareness. Addressing the problem of graduate employment is one of the aim of thefutureworks, a commercial recruitment agency, launched by Coventry University.

As well as helping graduates locate permanent posts, the agency finds parttime work for undergraduates. Programmes manager Obi Okwuadigbo said undergraduates with part-time jobs gained invaluable experience including working in a team and communicating with different types of people. The agency had placed about 100 students in positions working up to 15 hours a week, said Mr Okwuadigbo.

“The students that we do manage to find part-time work for will have an advantage over someone who has no part-time work experience at all,” he said. “They are ahead of the game, and in a much stronger position.” He added that several employers had already expressed an interest in permanently retaining students after they graduated. “From an employer's point of view it is fantastic - they are getting intellectual people who are currently students and are eager and keen to experience the working world.” Second-year marketing management student Victoria Collins was one of the first people who found part-time work through the agency. The 20-year-old said her work at education charity Young Enterprise West Midlands allowed her to apply her studies, and also offered ‘life lessons’. “For me, getting up on time and getting into a lecture had been mission impossible,” she said. She was learning business procedures, to communicate with people at all levels of the organisation and applying theory learned for her degree in areas such as accounting. “I am doing something that I absolutely love, and I am learning about it all the time. “It complements my studies, which I am so thankful for, and I am just learning a lot of skills that I will be able to put forward when I graduate.” The annual Unite survey of student life reported that more than 40 per cent of students took part-time jobs.


Day By Day

May 1 2006

Page 31

listings@gairrhydd.com

with Schmit and Harris ... comedians, and no more Easter eggs ....

Monday01/05

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise. X Factory @ The Taf Legendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer. I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger Five rooms, five bars, two dancing rooms, private booths. Rooms galore and lots of dancing. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3. Parked @ The Social (Salisbury Rd) New weekly live indie music night. Check it out, could be good. 8pm. £2 before 9pm. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Bayside / The Blackout / Covergirl / Kids in Glass Houses. Bayside formed in Long Island, NY during the winter of 2000, after the requisite line-up changes of a young band were settled, they moved rapidly, establishing a fan base on the East Coast and touring North America. KIGH are a local band and are well worth getting there for. 7.30pm £7.50. PickOf The Day Live @ Barfly Four Day Hombre / The Sugars / The Slides. X-Ray magazine compare Four Day Hombre to “Elbow on speed … a real knack for plugging into your emotional cortex and up-ending body and mind in a hurricane of noise." 7.30pm. £5.

Friday 05/05

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. Pick Of The Day Live @ CF10 Polar Bear. Mercury award nominees Polar Bear. See facing page for further details. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4. Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3. Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat-driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3. Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach Silent Running bring you Subtitles label owner/producer/DJ Teebee straight from Norway to bring you the freshest tech, funk, D'N'B beats plus Cardiff's very own producer/DJ Cujo. 10pm. £8. Live @ Barfly Willard Grant Conspiracy / Steve Wynn. WGC are neither alternative nor country, but have been corralled into the alt-country ghetto genre whilst being a more complex beast. Singer Robert Fisher, part Johnny Cash part Tindersticks' Stuart Staples, pitches his New England mini-tragedies with a swamp-blues edge. Uplifting melancholia, in the vein of Nick Cave's more grandiose work, with ambitious sounding arrangements, and songs that go straight for the heart. 7.30pm. £10.

Tuesday02/05

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this week’s line-up. 8-11pm £4 NUS Soul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Many years ago (somewhere in the ’80s), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50 Live @ Barfly Deadstring Brothers / Swank / Christopher Rees. Like a vintage T-bird, boasting throwback arrangements of piano, pedal steel and brass atop twangy guitars and a craggy rhythm section. When your head’s hitting the ground, when you’re picking gravel from your knees, when you’ve spent the night gathering up your clothes and your Exile on Main Street and Brown Album LPs she threw onto the lawn the night before, then you’re ready for the Deadstring Brothers. Completely genuine and wonderfully refreshing. 7.30pm. £7. PickOf The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Ephel Duath / The Death Of Her Money / And They Will Riot / Drama In The Harbour. The project Ephel Duath was created in February 1998 with the precise intent of experimenting in the sphere of extreme music. At the root of the group's name lies the concept of a dark and fleeting sound: Ephel Duath is in fact the mountain range that defends the kingdom of evil in Tolkien's masterpiece. 7.30pm. £6. Live @ St. David’s Hall The Eri Yamamoto Trio. 8pm. £10.

Saturday06/05

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing socitey) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50. Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm. Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday. 9pm - 2am. Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am. Live @ Barfly The Teeth / Selfish Kings. The buzz surrounding this band drew a huge audience to the first Barfly show – and they weren’t disappointed. High octane melodic anthems and vigorous stage presence drew a common response: They Rock! 7.30pm. £5. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Pick Of The Day Dylan Moran @ St, David’s Hall The bitterly sarcastic Irish comic. See facing page for further details of this event. We Are Trees / Sweetfontaine / Black Hand Laser Band. We Are Trees are a Welsh fivepiece who provide audiences with an intrinsic love of sweet melodies, layered harmonies, and dark grooves. Sugary tea is at the heart of just about everything We Are Trees do. 7.30pm £5.

Wednesday03/05 Pick Of The Day Live @ SU Snow Patrol. This gig has SOLD OUT but anyone who has got a ticket will no doubt have a brilliant night ahead of them, even if their new song does sound exactly like everything else off their last record. 7pm. £17.50. Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU You can come here to have the odd drink. By odd I mean something like snakebites, or turbo shandies. Mixing is good.10pm. £3. Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music. Raucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3. Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and club bing society takes over the decks, playing house music until one in the morning. 9pm. Panic @ Barfly The very latest and great Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight. 10.30pm. Eay the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm. FREE. Live @ Barfly iLiKETRAiNS / Yossarian / Vision. Following their debut single release on the Dance to the Radio label and a second release on the new Kids label (a tale depicting the life of Bobby Fischer, the troubled chess grandmaster), which sold all 500 copies in two days, Leeds five piece, iLiKETRAiNS prepare for their new and most epic tour to date. 7.30pm. £5. Comedy @ The Wharf Alistair Barrie / Steve Williams. Steve Williams is described as “more topical than Trevor McDonald.” 8pm. £3.50.

Sunday07/05

Live @ SU N M E New Music Tour. Boy Kill Boy / The Automatic / ¡Forward, Russia! / Howling Bells. It’s going to be a brilliant Sunday night, as this gig in previous years has launched such bands as the Kaiser Chiefs and Maxmo Park. 7pm. £10. Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones. MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm. Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1. Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Dick Valentine (Electric Six) / Smokehand. Using only a guitar and possibly a laserpowered drum loop, Dick Valentine will entertain everyone in the room simply by singing songs off the existing Electric Six records, songs off the forthcoming Electric Six record, unreleased songs, old songs, new songs, cover songs. Even some improvisation. 2pm. £6. NME New Music Aftershow Party @ Barfly The Automatic will be spinning the decks with some choice tunes after their stint on the NME New Music Tour. You will need to get there early as this will no doubt be absolutely packed, and will probably be full within a few minutes.. 11pm. £FREE The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy. 7.30pm. FREE.

Thursday04/05

Bar FTSE @ Taf Cardiff Students’ new favourite night. 7pm. Live @ SU Ordinary Boys. Ordinary Boys = Preston. Preston = Chantelle. Preston and Chantelle = Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn. 7pm. £13.50. Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore hard-drive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... FREE Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese. Does exactly what it say on the tin. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am. Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm. Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip Hop and RnB student night. 10pm. Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz. 9pm. £2/3. Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am. Raise the Roof @ Journeys Local live music - different genres each week. Live @ Barfly Fields / Mumm-ra / Curerbell. Combining a dark, harmony pop sensibility with the widescreen sonics to match My Bloody Valentine at their peak, Fields are already shaping up to be one of the most talked about bands of 2006. 7.30pm. £5. Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb If or Bach City Vibes - K-man / DJ XL / DJ Stew Ewens / DJ Sylvestr / MissTrix / DJ Ace / Natalie May (Hippo Club) / Dan-C, Richie Lloyd / Spectrum (Kombat). 8pm. £2/3.

VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com


Five Minute Fun

Page 32

May 1 2006

lecturersonstrike@moretimeforsudoku.com

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Ahhh hilarious! She’s made her frankly hideous face look even more ridiculous! Arf!

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ACROSS 1 Fulcrum 4 Of biological origin 8 Rogue 9 Female fox 10 Trickle 11 Aviate 12 Savage, wild 16 Nonsense 19 Latest information 21 Embrace 22 Observation game (1-3) 26 S American pack animal 27

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Country near the Arctic Circle 28 Smudge 29 Bulge, expand DOWN 1 Covered with slabs 2 Foxlike 3 Defrost 4 Tender 5 Dark blue 6 Poisonous substance 7 Artful 13 Play section 14 Spouted milk con-

tainer 15 Supporters’ group (3,4) 17 Section of road for public transport only (3,4) 18 Inflict a penalty for an offence 20 Giant sea mammal 23 Apine call 24 Vehicle for hire 25 Supreme Greek god

Ahhh hilarious! This revolutionary student has had something to drink! What a wanker! Arf!

2006/7 to recruit and manage a

Ahhh hilarious! Three increasing sizes of student food placed atop of each other! Arf!

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Helping the needy

Ahhh hilarious! This stroppy madam has something against the photographer! Arf!

they ARE parrots, in clever disguises. Jam parrot, bread parrot, chicken parrot, onion parrot, pig parrot, weasel parrot, apple parrot, curry parrot, noodle parrot, pasta parrot, potato parrot. Mystic parrot: big red ones. TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21 Pull your finger out your arse and wash your hands you dirty pervert. Try finding something worthwhile to do with your time. Finding a new goal in life will cast shame on your love of ass and maybe even move you in to the world of snuff. Be aware Columbo knows your secrets. He keeps them in a jar on his bedside table. Mystic strangers: flashers GEMINI - May 22 - June 22 You will be forced against your will this week to assist a deadly llama in his plans to take over the world. Try not to get too carried away. He will use his numerous clever disguises to try and fool you. Be vigilant and stay on your guard. The favorite disguise of a llama is as a vicar. Apparently they like the collars and breezy footwear. Mystic jam: logan berry LEO - July 24 - Aug. 23 Keep a positive outlook this week by looking at the bright side of things and all those sliver linings. Try smiling and laugh at least once a day. Find something that entertains you. You could also try laughing and pointing at people with no thumbs. Or midgets. They always make me laugh, especially when they can’t reach things. Sometimes I laugh so much I wee myself. Mystic weapon of choice: garden rake ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 I recommend this week that you focus all your

preparation of drinks. Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

with Frey & Bentos LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23 This week you will indulge your sick sexual fantasies by putting on a gorilla suit and covering yourself in shit. Unfortunately for you, your perversions will lead you straight to monkey hell. A pointy man witch will come to your rescue leaving you breathless with a new fabulous and stylish hairstyle. Lucky product: junk gunk funk spunk gel. CANCER - June 23 - July 23 Its not your fault that everyone thinks you’re a giant scrote. It is of course your parents. Mummy and daddy scrote were very cruel to procreate thus producing you: the giant scrote. Try winning people over by buying them hookers and flange. This tactic will fail miserably and you will end up cold and alone you big bruise. Mystic travel method: pogo stick CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are a mystical vortex leading to far and distant lands. Congratulations. SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 I see travel in your stars this week, possibly to prison. But don’t worry you’re a very pretty star sign and I’m sure you’ll make lots of friends in the shower room. Everyone loves sodomy especially Gomorrah. Some top jail time tips: 1.don’t scream 2. get involved 3. and remember to smile! p.s. when big debs asks if you like “holding hands” you always say yes. For the love of god yes. Mystic lube: custard PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like parrot". It's because

tomer service, cash handling,

Ahhh hilarious! This hermaphrodite lothario has no penis and bad hair! Arf!

time and efforts on removing the warts which cover your body. They are starting to smell and I have had complaints. Apparently you are starting to smell a little squid like. And when I say a little I mean that you do in fact reek. You giant petulant warty squid you. Mystic cheese: Edam-ski AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Only by polishing you genitals this week will you please the mystic gods enough to be granted that promotion that you so desperately desire. By mid week you should be so shiny in the downstairs department that all will be and blinded by your cock muff gleamathon. I recommend using Mr muffle polish. Mystic hair accessory: the claw SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are well on your way to becoming a super hero. The next step will be on deciding your outfit. As we all know capes can get in the way. My personal favorite superhero accessories are feathers and beads. Attach the feathers to your nipples and the beads to your ass and let the good times roll. Watch out in the new moon when a stranger will lure you to their shed with talk of sequins. Mystic body part: my little toe VIRGO - Aug. 24 - Sept. 23 This sign has traditionally be known as the virtuous and pure sign. The virgin. Well you proved us wrong didn’t you. You giant whore bag. Spend any more time with legs akimbo bar stools will soon become a real problem. Slidey slidey. Try not to get any splinters though. Mystic book: Charlie goes to town and buys some bread for a sandwich

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ATTENTION ALL BAR & WAITING STAFF We have lots events over the coming months that will require Bar and Waiting staff. If you are interested, please contact us on 029 20781535 or pop in to the Jobshop – we are on the ground floor of the Students Union. UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University, Students' Union as well as local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday). Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk


Deloitte IMG

May 1 2006

Page 33

weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST IMG RUGBY TABLE IMG Rugby W

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NO FIXTURES AVAILABLE THIS WEEK. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUERIES, PLEASE CONTACT PATRICK.

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Law A Arse’Alona Automotive Economics

IMG Netball Cup MORE INFORMATION WILL APPEAR NEXT WEEK. CONTACT CLARE FOR DETAILS.

ZOO-ZING QUALITY By Fraser Watson IMG Reporter NEWCOMERS Zoology kept their Division One title hopes alive with a comfortable 6-1 win over stuggling Hurricanes. Although Zoology occupy third place, they are only trailing History and Gym Gym by virtue of goal difference. Conversely, Hurricanes are still looking for a Phase 2 point. After surviving early Hurricanes pressure, the ‘zoo army’ took the lead after brilliant work from striker Tom Crowther. Following a 40-yard mazy run, Crowther cleverly lifted the ball beyond the keeper to give Adrian Maqueen a simple finish. Moments later, further good play from Crowther led to a sec-

menon on the match FOOTBALL

NUMBER OF GOALS: 189 goals in 35 games, 5.4 goals per game. Don’t correct me if I am wrong. WHIPPING BOYS: Architecture conceded 14 in 2 games. SURPRISE PACKAGE: Myg Myg for beating in-form English Soc. An unexpected result. EPIC GAME: Automotive v Ab. Fantastic, a nine-goal thriller with one goal in it. CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Arse’Alona, Gym Gym, Momed and Madras are top- but for how long? TEAM OF THE WEEK: Real Madras. After being known as the Phase 1 whipping boys, the team have transformed into a dominant force.

1 5 0 6

-

3 1 3 1

Economics Chem Soc Arse’Alona Phram AC

Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A

4 5 5 P

-

1 1 3 P

Chem Soc Economics Pharm AC Arse’Alona

History Law B Zoology Automotive

0 2 2 3

-

3 3 1 0

Gym Gym Dragons Ab. Fantastic Hurricanes

History Law B Zoology Automotive

2 2 6 5

-

0 4 1 4

Dragons Gym Gym Hurricanes Ab. Fantastic

English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.

7 4 1 1

-

1 1 3 1

Real Havana Myg Myg Dynamo Cen. AFC Momed

English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.

1 1 2 1

-

2 1 8 2

Myg Myg Real Havana AFC Momed Dynamo Cen.

Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras

2 2 9 4

-

2 4 2 3

AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan Architecture Plan’kos

Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras

2 2 3 5

-

2 2 5 0

Inter Me-Nan AFC Cathays Plan’kos Architecture

IMG Football Fixtures

To be arranged by team captains and played before Wed 3rd May. Premiership Week 3 results can be found under rugby league table

Sun 26 Mar 1 3 2 5

Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A

IMG Football Fixtures

IMG Football Results Carbs Chemsoc Cardiff Uni Pharm AC

Wed 26 April

Wed 29 March

(24/4/06) P

IMG Football Results

IMG Football Results

ond goal for Zoology as Tom Wilkinson slotted home. The ‘zoo army’ continued to create chances as skipper Gwyn Watson went close with a twenty five yard drive. However, winger Ross effectively made the game safe when he scored a third from close range. With legs tiring in the heat, Zoology coach Morgan rang the changes early on in the secondhalf and his tactical nous paid dividends. Crowther scored a quick fire brace before replacement Guy scored a superb sixth, finishing neatly after Wilkinson had combined superbly with midfield stalwart Cuz to play him in. As the entertainment value began to peter out, Hurricanes scored a consolation late on.

Wed 3 May

Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A

v v v v

Arse’Aona Pharm AC Economics Chem Soc

History Law B Gym Gym Dragons

v v v v

Automotive Zoology Hurricanes Ab. Fantastic

History Law B Zoology Automotive

v v v v

Ab. Fantastic Hurricanes Gym Gym Dragons

English Soc JOMEC Real Havana Myg Myg

v v v v

Pyscho Ath. AFC Euros AFC Momed Dynamo Cen.

English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.

v v v v

Dynamo Cen. AFC Momed Real Havana Myg Myg

PLANATHINAIKOS defeated Japsoc 5-3 in a thrilling Division Three encounter last Wednesday. In a second half that saw a flurry of goals, Plan’kos grabbed two late goals to seal victory after the score was tied at 3-3. Japsoc started the match in dominant mood and soon broke the deadlock thanks to a Paul Hollinhead own-goal. But Plan’kos hit back with

IMG Football

Premiership P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

5

4

1

0

12

13

1

Arse’Alona

2

Locomotive

6

4

1

1

11

13

3

Carbs

6

4

1

1

4

13

4

Law A

5

2

2

1

8

8

5

Cardiff Uni

6

2

1

3

-3

7

6

Economics

6

2

0

4

-12

6

7

Pharm AC

6

1

0

5

-5

3

8

Chem Soc

6

0

0

5

-15

3

IMG Football

Division One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

Gym Gym

5

4

0

1

16

12

2

History

5

4

0

1

9

12

3

Zoology

5

4

0

1

7

12

Architecture Plan’kos AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan

4

Ab. Fantastic

5

3

0

2

7

9

5

Automotive

5

2

0

3

-5

6

6

Dragons

5

2

0

3

-11

6

CALL FOR BALL

7

Law B

5

1

1

3

-6

4

8

Hurricanes

5

0

0

5

-17

0

Euros Lang Dental Utd AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan

v v v v

Real Madras Japsoc Plan’kos Architecture

IMG BALL tickets are now on sale at the Box Office, and there are only a few days left to get hold of one. The event is taking place this Wednesday (3rd May) at the five-star Holland House Hotel, and tickets cost £25. The ball will consist of a two-course meal with coffee (included in the price), and an awards ceremony for all IMG footballers and netballers. Although awards will be given out to teams who have won a league title, there are further chances of taking the glory. Other awards are up for grabs, including ‘Best Team Website’, ‘Best Social Team’ and ‘Most Improved Team’. If you think your team has a

Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras

v v v v

great chance of winning one of the above awards, contact IMG Chair Clare Donovan immediately. Your entry will be judged by a panel before the ceremony next week. And there’s more. A ticket for the IMG Ball on Wednesday will give you free entry to Rubber Duck. In addition, a free drink in Solus will be available for everybody who has attended the ball. So if your team is struggling in the lower reaches of the table, or sitting in mid-table obscurity, the IMG Ball is still guaranteed to be a great night out. And if your team wins an award, it will certainly be a night you will never forget.

ONE IN THE JAPSOC EYE By Andrew Saunders IMG Reporter

DELOITTE IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 5

two quick goals. Dave Crossley levelled the match with a 30yard strike, whilst Nathan Chimes bagged a second. Buoyed by their first-half recovery, Plan’kos began the second period in a similar vain. After Japsoc failed to defend a long throw, Jon Markwell was on hand to nod home a third for Plan’kos. The game looked to be over, but Japsoc responded by scoring two goals of their own. Shay Jones reduced the defeicit to 3-2 after taking advantage of some poor defending. And

skipper Andrew Saunders completed the fightback with a sweet left-footed strike. However, it was not Japsoc’s day as Plan’kos turned the screw in the latter stages. Keith Coverdale scored the winner after the Japsoc goalkeeper fumbled the ball, and Jon Rowlatt completed the scoring with a last-minute spot-kick. For the neutral it was an exciting game and both teams deserve credit for what was a great advert for IMG football. Japsoc remain in third whilst Plan’kos move up to fourth.

IMG Football

Division Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

5

4

1

0

14

13

1

AFC Momed

2

Dynamo Cen.

5

4

0

1

4

12

3

English Soc

5

3

0

2

8

9

4

JOMEC

5

1

2

2

1

5

5

Psycho Ath.

5

1

2

2

-2

5

6

AFC Euros

5

1

1

3

-6

4

7

Real Havana

5

1

1

3

-7

4

8

Myg Myg

5

1

1

3

-10

4

IMG Football

Division Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

4

0

1

7

12

1

Real Madras

5

2

Euros Lang

5

3

2

0

5

11

3

Japsoc

5

3

0

2

11

9

4

Plan’kos

5

2

0

3

3

6

5

Inter Me-Nan

5

1

2

2

-6

5

6

Architecture

5

1

2

2

-10

5

7

AFC Cathays

5

0

4

1

-2

4

8

Dental Utd

5

0

2

3

-7

2

AHEAD OF THE GAME

FOOTBALL:

There are many great games to come, as this week sees the conclusion of IMG Football. In the Premiership, Carbs v Arse’Alona is probably the one to watch as the outcome could decide the title. However, current holders Law A could make an impact on the race by getting a good result against the league leaders on Monday. In Division One, Zoology v Gym Gym could be the title-deciding game, but Hitsory are certainly not out of the reckoning. In Division Two, Momed are odds-on to win the league, but Dynamo Centurion are breathing down their necks. Dynamo v English could be the one to watch, as both sides must win to have any chance of catching Momed. In a tight Division Three, Euros Lang v Madras could decide who wins the league. But you never know, anything can happen.

ANY QUERIES, ANY PROBLEMS EMAIL weloveimg@gairrhydd.com


Page 34

Sport

May 1 2006

sport@gairrhydd.com

TWICE AS N-ICE Victory in the BUSA Nationals has given Cardiff Red Hawks a shot at the league and cup double when they face leaders Southampton at home this Saturday By David Butler Ice Hockey Reporter THE CARDIFF RED Hawks took first place over the Easter weekend at the British Universities Ice Hockey Association National Championships held in Sheffield. Cardiff took a fourteen-man squad that came through the toughest group and went on to lift the trophy. The group (dubbed the ‘group of death’) contained Nottingham (undefeated in

the northern division), Southampton and Cardiff (currently sitting in first and second place in the south division). The first game saw the Red Hawks come back from 2-0 down against Nottingham and secure the tie. The second game of the group stage was against Southampton with whom the Red Hawks have one win and one defeat this season in the southern division. The Red Hawks showed they were the better team by taking the game 3-0.

The quarter-final was against Sheffield. The Red Hawks knew this would be a tough game with Sheffield having home ice but Cardiff raised their level of performance even higher and won 6-0. The semi-final saw the Red Hawks meet Nottingham once again. The Hawks came out flying and took a two nil lead. Nottingham pulled one back at the beginning of the last period but could not break through the Red Hawks’ immense defense to clinch the tie.

Cardiff then met Northumbria in the final. Full of confidence, the Red Hawks played terrific hockey as they steamrollered their opponents and ran out 9-0 winners. The Hawks’ final competitive game of the year will be the league decider at the WNIR on May 29 against the Cambridge Eskimos. The Red Hawks, undefeated at the WNIR, need to win to go ahead of Southampton and do the double. Faceoff is at 21:30. Admission is free and the bar will be open.

Final Countdown By Paul Hunt Sport Reporter

PHOTO: Luke pavey

Cardiff 1sts .....................42 Aberystwyth 1sts ............40

FINAL CALL: Aber edged out

CARDIFF MADE their way through to the Welsh Cup Final on Wednesday afternoon, beating Aberystwyth in a very tense encounter. Cardiff were behind from the first minute until they levelled moments before the end of the third quarter. Cardiff then prevailed 12-10 in the decisive fourth to win 42-40. Aberystwyth were the better side in the first quarter; their defence denying Cardiff any clear scoring chances and their shooting was the more accurate. The Aberystwyth goal defence (a Welsh universities player) orchestrated her team well throughout the half and much of the play went through her hands. Aberystwyth could almost have

played without their wings and centre as the play went straight from back to front, their goal shooter finishing well. Struggling to shackle Aberystwyth’s best player and two points down at the end of the first quarter Cardiff brought on Rhian Davies at goal attack. Davies, normally wing defence played tight to the Aberystwyth goal defence preventing her time and space, and although Davies was reluctant to shoot her presence changed the game. Forcing more of the play through the wings and centre, Cardiff slowly wrestled control away from Aberystwyth but Cardiff were still struggling to convert as many chances and despite dominating possession, Cardiff finished the second quarter as they started it, two points down. It was in the third quarter that Cardiff turned the game to their favour. Cardiff centre, Nat Poole, and Wings, Charlie Baylis and Emily

Isaacs were able to assert some authority on the play and, with the help of improved shooting from Jenny Lion, Cardiff were able to make their possession and territory count. Cardiff started the fourth quarter level and soon gained the lead.

Four in front, Cardiff could afford to let the clock run down With the Aberystwyth players continually infringing in the D, Cardiff had free shots with which to score and as Aberystwyth struggled to get the ball out of their half. Cardiff quickly moved four in front. From here, they could afford to let the clock run down and although Aberystwyth rallied to two behind they never looked like overturning the deficit.


Sport

May 1 2006

Page 35

sport@gairrhydd.com

IRISH CHARM By Ian Furlong Lacrosse Reporter CARDIFF MIXED LACROSSE team were crowned champions of DublinFest 2006 during the Easter break, extending their unbeaten record to over 12 months. The Cardiff squad headed to Dublin to compete with over a dozen universities from the UK and Ireland in the annual tournament, dominated by mixed lacrosse. Waterlogged pitches meant most games had to be relocated. This meant the Cardiff/UWIC men’s team were unable to defend their title. Cardiff dominated the group stages, beating teams including Loughborough, UWIC B and Durham. The quarter-finals saw an easy win against Sheffield, and the semis provided the spectators with a showcase game of lacrosse. Beautiful transition play from Chris Lee, Sue Chandler (MVP) and Simon Williams set up Sarah Crowley with the goal of the tournament. The 9-2 victory meant it was an allWelsh showdown in the final with Cardiff v UWIC A. Cardiff’s attitude both on and off the pitch gained them massive support at the final, but that didn’t stop UWIC taking an early lead, going two goals up in the opening minutes.

LACROSSE: Mixed champions If it were not for the consistent play from Alex Lodge and Erica Bone (MIP), Cardiff may not have been able to bring the game level by half time. The whole squad improved in the second half, allowing Cardiff to pull clear by two goals. Solid defending and some incredible interceptions from Greg Swatkins frustrated UWIC, allowing Cardiff to maintain their lead until the final whistle. Cardiff held on for a final score of 6-4. The win makes this the lacrosse clubs’ most successful season ever, winning the Mid-West Mixed League

and Cup, the women’s team holding their own in their first ever season in the BUSA Premier League (South), and the introduction of a men’s team to the club.

Cardiff students Tae Kwon Do it for Wales By Piers Horner Tae Kwon Do Reporter STUDENTS FROM Cardiff University have been representing Wales in international competition in full-contact Tae Kwon Do. Sasha Walters and Piers Horner travelled to Portugal with a ninestrong group representing Wales for the third Open Internacional de Tae Kwon-Do Cidade de Peniche, which took place on April 8. The championships also attracted teams from Spain, Portugal, France, Switzerland and England. In the individual pairs selfdefence, Sasha and her self-defence partner put in a creditable performance but missed out on a podium place, perhaps in part due to some contestable judging. In the sparring, however, Sasha

The win makes this the lacrosse clubs’ most successful season ever The mixed team still hopes to win the Midlands regional cup and regional playoff, plus the club will be sending players to the men’s university allstars tournament next month.

WALES: Number One

won silver in her weight category, losing out to an experienced and tough Portuguese competitor in the final. Piers participated in team pattern and team self-defence, and Wales won silver for both events. Despite missing out on a medal in the aerial breaking event, Piers took gold for sparring in his weight division and was also awarded a trophy for ‘Best Male Competitor’ in the championships. Wales took a further three golds, one silver, and a bronze in sparring and power-breaking events. The team’s success in this competition follows from their last international in Switzerland where Wales won the trophy for the best nation. Sasha and Piers were also members of the team at that event.


Page 30

s g n i t Lis

Recommended

May 1 2006

listings@gairrhydd.com

The festively plump gair rhydd listings with This Week: Communists, arctic animals, Irish

Polar Bear

NME New Music Tour

@ CF10

@ S.U Sun. May 7

Fri. May 5 7.30pm/£7 adv

7pm / £10 adv

Doug Carn recommends

F

riday May 5 sees the Students’ Union play host to the coolest hair in UK music and, situated directly beneath it, the best drummer in the UK right now in the form of Polar Bear’s leader Seb Rochford. If you don’t believe me, believe The Mighty Boosh’s Julian Barratt who says, “as well as having amazing hair, he's an incredibly talented musician.” Similar in shape and volume (if not in colour) to Sideshow Bob’s extravagant ’do, Seb’s hair does make a fine spectacle but it’s the music that’ll have people clawing their way over each other to get their ticket. Citing influences from the likes of Thelonious Monk, Regina Spektor, Beethoven, Radiohead, Venetian Snares, Björk and Duke Ellington, the group’s raw-boned,

dramatic music mixes jazz with an electronic soundscape and a punk sensibility, underpinned by breakbeat and rock rhythms. Yes, Polar Bear are a jazz band but not as we know it - as well as Seb Rochford on drums the group features Tom Herbert on bass and two tenor saxophonists, Mark Lockheart and Pete Wareham. The addition of contemporary electronics courtesy of laptop-wielding Leafcutter John further distances them from the jazz mainstream. “It is jazz all right, 100% and no mistake, but with bongfuls of leftfield electronica and mutant, rocked-up and funkified grooves,” says allaboutjazz.com (though quite how much a ‘bongful’ is in metric remains unknown). Nominations for the 2005 Mercury Music Prize and an Album of the Year Award at this year's BBC Jazz Awards, and a personal recommendation in the NME from nu-comedy geniuses The Mighty Boosh is proof positive that Polar Bear are the highest profile jazz group in the UK, and deservedly so. Support comes from Sound Engineer whose improvised acoustic/electronic music should fit the bill perfectly. Be aware, a Friday night gig it may be but it wraps up at 11pm so don’t go getting all fashionably late and shit. Tickets are available from seetickets.com and from the Union Box Office.

G ue s t P ic k

Dylan Moran @ St. David s Hall Sat. May 6 Harris recommends

S

unday sees the NME New Music tour bus roll up into town, featuring the best upand-coming bands. Past Listings darlings Boy Kill Boy are from East London, with an eclectic repertoire that jumps from indie-pop anthems to rather more minimalist piano ballads, with a side of cynicism and electro doom. They’ve even managed to crack the top 30 with their first single. Debut album Civilian will be released in May, and they’ve even had the honour of a Zane Lowe endorsement. The Automatic are four local teenagers done good. They’re from Cowbridge on the Cardiff outskirts,

7.30pm/£17 and play exciting rock-pop. They started playing together at primary school but decided to take music seriously in 2004. Since then, they were signed to B-Unique, having been scouted at the Cardiff Barfly. Forward, Russia! are a Leedsbased four-piece who, as described by NME: “meld floor-filling disco punk funk party music, epic postrock and larynx scorching yelps to devastating effect.” The Russia, as they like to call themselves, were founded in early 2004, and since then have toured with Editors and VHS Or Beta, as well as playing the Leeds and Reading Festival, and taken part in this year’s Camden Crawl. Interestingly, all the tracks on their

Just Announced

forthcoming album Give Me a Wall are named after numbers. Howling Bells are a newly-signed Australian band playing a concoction of blues, rock, country and folk. Their debut album, cleverly titled Howling Bells, is described as "The sound of PJ Harvey hitching a ride with the Velvet Underground through Twin Peaks.” They freely promise to “Spirit you to the Abandoned Old West”. I hope they bring some cowboys along. With the profile of all of the bands rising rapidly, it looks set to be a memorable gig, but one that should have sold out long ago. With tickets still available, and a snip at around £10, this is the one place you should be this Sunday.

Schmit recommends ylan Moran isn’t thrust into the comedic limelight like many of today’s household name comedians, but that’s where his brilliance lies. As fans of such hit TV shows as the genius Black Books, or the spoof classic Shaun of the Dead will know, Moran’s breed of subtle, and bitterly dry humour will have you laughing so much you’ll be pretty much incontinent. To be honest there’s only really one way to sell this to you, and that’s through the medium of jokes, Moran’s jokes. Go wet yourself. Moran on drugs: "I don't do

D

drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.” Admittedly that’s the only joke I could excavate from the internet. This just means that to hear more like this you’ll simply have to go to the gig itself. Moran of course rose to fame in the early nineties, and in 1993 he won Channel 4’s So You Think You’re Funny award. Three years later he won the Perrier Award for Comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and has since enjoyed over a decade of sellout shows and TV and big-screen appearances. He played Rufus The Thief in the 1999 blockbuster romantic comedy Notting Hill, but he is probably most famous for his sitcom Black Books. Moran’s unique brand of dry humour and surreal situations will leave you wanting more, so at under £20 a ticket you really have no excuse not to be there. I know your loan is in.

The Futureheads - @ Great Hall. The Futureheads return this summer to one of the venues where they made a name for themselves last year. The tour coincides with the release of their new record News and Tributes (released May 29). I’m sure this will sell out within a couple of weeks so get your tickets while they’re hot. £12.50. 7pm.

Th e Fu tu reh eads


IMG RESULTS: This week’s action

ICE HOCKEY: National Champs

Page 33

Page 34

PLUS: Tae Kwon Do, Netball Pages 34 & 35

gair rhydd

Sport

FIRST OF MANY

CARDIFF: Girls get ready to set off

CARDIFF: Celebrate a fine win

THE CALM TAFF waters were disturbed on Wednesday April 29 as Cardiff University Rowing Club were victorious in the first ever Tomos Watkin Welsh Boat Race against Swansea. Both the Cardiff Men’s and Women’s 1st Eights pushed past competitive Swansea crews in two exciting races which saw athletes from both sides drive themselves to their absolute limits. The sun shone for the many supporters lining the banks of the river in Cardiff Bay, eagerly awaiting the start of this great new spectacle. Support from the brewery Tomos Watkin, the Welsh Amateur Rowing Association and the Cardiff Harbour Authority ensured that this event was given the proper start it needed to become a regular fixture in the University calendar. David Burton, President of CURC commented that he was “fantastically optimistic for the future partnership and rivalry of Cardiff-Swansea rowing” and was thrilled that the first annual Welsh Boat race had been such a great success.

PHOTOS: Luke Pavey

By James Sexton Rowing Correspondent

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gair rhydd - Issue 812