gair rhydd - Issue 811

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GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

ISSUE 811 MARCH 27 2006

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY free word - EST. 1972

ELECTIONS 2006 FULL COVERAGE INSIDE

4AM

PLUS: MICKELODEON DISSECTS THE ELECTIONS, MYSPACE AND STRIKING LECTURERS

UNION GRANTED EARLY MORNING LICENCE Sarah Jessica Parker talks to Quench

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HEALTH GET LAIRY ABOUT ALCOHOL ABUSE PAGE 17

News

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March 27 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

At

a glance March 27 2006 News Editorial & Opinion Letters Mickelodeon Politics Taf Od Science/Environment Health Media Grab!

Dear Amber Television Five Min Fun Scopes Jobs & Money Listings Sport

1 8 10 11 13 14 15 17 19 20 22 23 31 32 33 34 36

EDITOR Tom Wellingham DEPUTY EDITOR Will Dean ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan CREATIVE EDITOR Graeme Porteous NEWS Charissa Coulthard, Caroline Farwell, Dan Ridler, Perri Lewis POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Andy Rennison EDITORIAL AND OPINION Sophie Robehmed, James Emtage SPORT Ed Jones, Tim Lewis LISTINGS Will Schmit, Alice Curitz TELEVISION TV Gareth, TV Grace, TV Holly, TV John, TV Jane TV Ellen LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Megan Connor, Lisa Hocken TAF-OD Lois Dafydd SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT Ceri Morgan MEDIA Heather Casey HEALTH Vanessa Roche, Laura Murphy JOBS AND MONEY Nicola Menage PROBLEM PAGE Amber Duval SCOPES Christina Lane FIVE MIN FUN The Cookie Monster HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson, James Perou SUB-EDITORS Catherine Gee, Charlotte White, Holly Marshall PROOF READERS Robert Knowles, Sophie Robinson, Kate Ivory, Kieran Harwood, Alana Lewis, Abagail Wise, Sofie Jenkinson, Alice Southwood CONTRIBUTORS Alana Lewis, Katie Kennedy, Robert Knowles, Lindle Markwell, Ian Craig, Jo Dingle, Tom lowe, Jess Best, Adam Millward, Alex Witcomb, Tim Hewish, Rosy Smith, Andy Rennison, Victoria Lawston, Nick Morris, Mark Norman, Liz Stauber, Rosanne White, Gill Roberts, Paul Hunt, Toan Ravenscroft, Charlie Hinder, Billy Hemstock, Paul Hayes, Trim, Philly Cox ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN ADVERTISING 02920 781 474 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com WEB www.gairrhydd.com LOCATION 4th Floor Students’ Union

Space dust

By Ian Craig Reporter SCIENTISTS AT Cardiff University are examining particles which they believe may contain alien life.

The particles, which were initially thought to be sand swept up by winds in the Middle East, fell over the Indian state of Kerala in August

2001.

Prof. Chandra Wickramasinghe, head of the Cardiff Centre for Astrobiology, is investigating claims made by an Indian researcher that the particles may have been caused by a passing comet depositing alien particles on Earth.

Doctor Godfrey Louis of Mahatma Gandhi University, Kottayam, has found that the particles are made up of ‘red cells’ which

Positive discrimination

By Katie Kennedy Reporter ANTI-SEMITISM has positive effects for Jewish people, says a leading Lampeter University lecturer this week.

Rabbi Professor Dan CohnSherbok claims in his book The Paradox of Anti-Semitism that antisemitism has kept Judaism alive for

LAMPETER: Leading?

thousands of years and without it the faith would demise.

He said: “There is no solution to this problem. I don’t want anti- semitism to continue, I want it to disappear but at the moment there is a risk the Jewish people will disappear if antisemitism disappears”.

His beliefs have caused outrage among some in the Jewish community.

Holocaust survivor Elen Davies, 77, from Swansea said: “This man is asking for trouble for Jews. If that spreads then God help us all, because there are not many of us left.

“This man is inviting people to hate him. He is just being controversial for the sake of it, there is no sense in this comment whatsoever.”

Rabbi Professor Cohn-Sherbok, who has taught for over 30 years, and written many books on anti-Semitism, defended his arguments, saying: “Jews hate anti-semitism, we all hate it. We don’t believe that racial hatred is a good thing.

“It’s controversial to say what we hate is good for us.

“What’s very controversial about the book is that it is saying without anti- Semitism, in the modern world, traditional Judaism has disintergrated.”

Case closed

By Caroline Farwell News Editor STUDENTS HAVE come under fire for bombarding lecturers with overfamiliar and banal emails.

UK academics have complained that e-mail is erasing the boundaries that traditionally kept students at a healthy distance.

An informal Times Higher survey of UK academics reveals that students are emailing their lecturers at all times of the day, addressing them by their first names only and in a style so informal that the messages end in ‘hugs’ and ‘kisses’.

One lecturer received an email reading: “Hey. Do u have to quote from all the plays u r referring 2 in the drama essay or just paraphrase? Thank.”

The survey also revealed how students increasingly perceive themselves as paying customers, with one student threatening to “take his fees elsewhere” unless his tutor gave a prompt response to his email.

By Alana Lewis Reporter THE STUDENT caught trespassing on the railway line at Cathays Station, causing a train driver to perform an emergency stop, has finally received his verdict.

The Cardiff Magistrates’ Court heard how Hugh Robert Devonald was seen lying down on the track as an empty stock train approached Cathays Station at 11.25pm on December 14, last year.

The 20-year-old Sports Science student, who pleaded guilty to trespassing and obstruction of a train, was given a four-month prison sentence TRAIN TRACKS: Not for lying on But the driver thought otherwise suspended for 12 months.

He was also ordered to carry out and broke hard, bringing the train to a 150 hours of community service and halt around 30 metres from the student. instructed to pay £55 in court costs.

Devonald has since commented: "I The student from Carmarthenshire denies lying down, claiming that he know now that it was a stupid thing to simply took a short cut, and thought do and I regret it."

He has also warned others not to that he had enough time to cross the repeat his ‘stupid’ mistake. tracks.

LOCAL FOCUS A soapbox for the views of Cardiff residents How long has Twice As Nice been in business?

I think about 10-15 years.

What do you think of students?

I used to be one and would like to be one again!

Name: Kelly Location: Twice As Nice Title: Masseuse

PRINTED: SHARMANS OF PETERBOROUGH

may contain organisms markedly different from those found on Earth.

Prof. Wickramasinghe said “This is potentially very important.

“There is a strong theory that life on earth in fact originated with the arrival of a comet carrying biological material from somewhere else.”

There were reports of a sonic boom at the time the rains started which could be evidence of a meteor.

You’ve got mail

What percentage of your customers are students?

About 10 per cent.

What are your most popular services?

Normal services!

Why did you change your name last year from Abygale’s to Twice As Nice?

We had received quite a lot of negative publicity under the name

Abygale’s, so changed the name for a fresh start.

What are your opening hours?

24 hours. But generally between 11 am until 56am.

When are your busiest times?

Weekends between 10pm and 5-6am.

Do you have a message for the students of Cardiff?

It’s free door entry on Monday and Tuesday nights for students.

What are your prices like? £60 for half an hour, £50 without the door entry charge.

By Jo Dingle

News

March 27 2006

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news@gairrhydd.com

FOUR PLAY Word on t “It will probably improv the qua e of the lity nightlife and it w fit in w ill other v ith ues in enCardiff .”

Matt H Geograpill, second yea r hy

he stree

By Perri Lewis News Editor CARDIFF STUDENTS’ Union has secured a licence to serve alcohol until 4am.

This means that students could drink in Solus, the Taf, CF10, the postgraduate bar and the games room for up to 16 hours at a time.

Mike Carson, from Cardiff Police Licensing deparment said: “If the Union wanted to they could open until 4am every night.”

However, although the building has been granted this late licence, the Union have said that they will not automatically extend the opening times for weekly events such as Come Play and Rubber Duck.

Instead, the licence will be used predominately for special events.

General Manager of the Union and Licensee Jason Dunlop said: “It is not our intention to open until 4am every day. Not yet anyway.”

Initially there were fears that local residents would oppose the licence extension, but during the 28-day objection period, no complaints were made.

PC Carson said: “I was quite surprised because over the years there have been a number of complaints about disturbances outside the Union.” gair rhydd spoke to a number of residents who will be affected by the licence, but found that none of them objected to it.

Anne Lane of Cathays said: “I’ve got students living all around me and I don’t have any problems.

“It won’t bother me”.

Victor Wheeler, also from Cathays, echoed this sentiment:

t: Is 4a

“There are som nights e when you don’t want it to end, on wee especially times itkends. But som finishes’s nice to kno ew that at two, get up fo it r nine o and you can s til ’clock le ctures” l Jen Cra v e n and third ye ar Anat Nic Bateman , omy

m too la

“Aweso me!

That’s amazin g means . It m time to ore g drunk! et ” Will Howort h second , y Anatom ear y

Cardiff student in eBay fraud

By Jo Dingle Reporter A CARDIFF student who pleaded guilty to selling counterfeit software to pay his way through university has been forced to sell his BMW after escalating eBay debts.

Matthew Phillips, a Business Studies student, had been using the eBay online marketplace to make over £3000 by selling counterfeit software and cars, and tricking other eBay customers by selling goods which he never delivered.

Phillips appeared in court last week and admitted six counts of obtaining property by fraudulent dealing.

Last May, Phillips was reported to the police after selling counterfeit software for thousands of pounds to a duped businessman.

At the time he admitted regret, but claimed that he felt it ‘was the only option’ to help pay tuition to fund himself through university.

He ‘didn’t think it was in his best interest to ask his father’ for help with the fees, and partially blamed his parents’ divorce and ‘problems with his father’ for his crimes.

After previously being bailed by the police on the understanding that he no longer use eBay, Phillips was sen-

“The licence shouldn’t really affect me.

“Anyway, there was more trouble around here four years ago than there is now.”

However, Mr Carson has made it clear that if the police receive complaints in the future, the extended licence could be revoked.

He said: “If there are major problems then the hours the Union can serve alcohol will be reduced.”

He also stressed how important it will be for students to behave responsibly around closing time.

“It is up to the students whether this licence is kept or not.

“They have to minimise any disruption to the surrounding community.”

Fortunately, the location of the Union has made it easier to secure a late licence.

Mr Carson said: “Only half the building is surrounding by private housing, and most of the residents who live near the Union are students anyway.”

The negative effect that late drinking could have on local residents has been taken into consideration Cardiff’s licensing authority, who have put a number of conditions on the licence.

The Union have to ensure that students exit the building onto Park Place rather than onto Senghenydd Road.

Other conditions include the provision of plastic cups after 2am, an agreed ratio of door staff to Solus clubbers, use of digital CCTV and the provision of food.

Union General Manger Jason Dunlop said: “Most of these conditions are being implemented

by Union bars already.”

tenced to 150 hours community service and received a £5,300 fine, alledgedly paid by his company-director father.

The judge decided: “Phillips did not use the proceeds of his crimes to lead a lavish lifestyle.”

With his son apparently still addicted to the ‘thrill’ of eBay, Matthew Phillips’s father told Cardiff Crown Court that would be ‘putting his foot down’.

Phillips’s recent court appearance has resulted in an additional 240 hours community service and a less forgiving message from the judge: “You have cynically for your own profit and greed made money through the eBay system.

“You refused to struggle financially like other students.

“The fact that you are a university student will not protect you next time.”

te?

“For st ud can only ents it good th be a ing. It means m money ore fo Union. r the It shou ldn’t be a p the oth roblem becau se er are stud residents aro most of und her ents.” e Meg Sh arpley a first ye nd Beth a English r Ancient Hist Dixon, or y and Literat ure.

Wrapped up FIRST-YEAR students have discovered a new way to enjoy gair rhydd.

One Talybont South student returned home from a birthday weekend away to find his room completely covered in papers from

gair rhydd.

After leaving his door unlocked, the unsuspecting student arrived home last week to find everything from his pens, books, chair and pillow cases wrapped in copies of the paper.

News

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March 27 2006

news@gairrhydd.com

Students ready to sue universities

Cheap sex

Threats to sue universities over lecturer assessment boycott

By Robert Knowles Reporter

GRADUTES: Uncertainty

STUDENTS COULD sue universities over recent strike action by lecturers because it could leave as many as 700,000 students without degrees this summer.

The action, taken as a result of a long-running pay dispute between employers and lecturing unions, began with a one-day strike on March 7 and is continuing with a current assessment boycott.

Negotiations between unions and employers hit a current deadlock after the chairman of the employers association wrote to the unions to say there could be no more talks until they halted their industrial action.

The Association of University Teachers AUT and Natfhe refused to do so and claimed they had been barred from the first official negotiating meeting with employers, scheduled for March 28.

The National Union of Students, which supported the one-day strike by lecturers, has released new warnings to universities that students could take legal action if the boycott affects their degrees.

It is feared as many as nine million exam scripts and essays could go unmarked this summer.

The AUT general secretary Sally Hunt said she was ‘extremely saddened’ that the dispute had got this far and accused universities of ‘gambling disgracefully with students' futures’.

Jocelyn Prudence, chief executive of the Universities and Colleges Employers’ Association, said: “Suspending industrial action is a necessary gesture of goodwill as far as we are concerned. This will remain the position.”

? e u s u o y d l u o W : Word on the street “I can se would sue why people ly would e but I personalthe boycon’t. I can’t see mental to tt being detrime.”

Harriet M year Histo ansell, first Politics ry and

“I don’t think I would sue as the action seems more of a symbolic act than an official one. The same thing happened last year.”

Ben Roberts, fourth year Forensic Linguistics

’t sue. ly wouldn “I probab noticed grades I haven’t ected but I can being aff d why final year understanare fretting.” students cond e Petty, se Katherin h and French year Wels

r but I al yea nt to n i f y a nm Iw “I’m i n’t sue as cs. would rt academi sessment suppo ver, the as y graduaHowe tt will delabe put to boyco nd should cil whether tion a udent coun ot.” the st port it or n to sup ear hird y yde, t y H J C eolog Archa

Controversy continues as Islam cartoons are reprinted

By Caroline Farwell News Editor THE CHURCH in Wales has recalled 500 copies of its magazine featuring a cartoon caricaturing the Prophet Muhammad.

The editor the Welsh-language magazine Y Llan has resigned after reprinting the controversial cartoons that sparked violent protests across Europe earlier this year.

The Archbishop of Wales apologised to the Muslim Council of Wales, which accepted the latest publication as an ‘unfortunate mistake’.

Archbishop Dr Barry Morgan said: “The article was perfectly ok, but for some reason the editor decided to print one of these cartoons which was a gross error of judgement.

“It no way reflects the policy of apologising.

Elsewhere in the US, more than the church in Wales and when I saw 20 publications have printed the carit I was totally horrified.”

Y Llan is the latest in a line of toons, mostly by student journalists publications to feature the controver- in college newspapers.

An editor at the University of sial cartoon, which have caused vioIllinois’ student-run newspaper lent demonstrations after reprinted six of appearing in European papers earlier this year.

In the United States, the University of South Alabama’s student newspaper Vanguard reprinted one of the cartoons last month as part of an editorial titled ‘A truly free press must not cower down to extremists’.

The paper’s editor-inchief said they printed C the cartoon in support of ONTROVERSIAL: Y Llan freedom of speech and confirmed they have no intention of

the 12 images even though he said he found them ‘bigoted and insensitive’.

He has since been fired after a unanimous vote by directors found him in violation of the paper’s policies of inflammatory material.

Last week the editor called his firing a blow against free speech on college campuses and stood by his opinion that the cartoons were ‘newsworthy’.

Shaz Kaiseruddin, President of the Muslim Student Association at the University of Illinois, said producing any image of Muhammad is considered blasphemous by many Muslims.

She said: "I was in disbelief that they would do this, that our own student-based newspaper would be so ignorant and disrespectful.”

THE PRICE of safe sex is set to drop due to government plans for a dramatic tax reduction on contraceptives.

VAT on over-the-counter contraceptives will fall from 17.5 per cent to just five per cent according to this year’s budget, laid out by Chancellor Gordon Brown.

The reduction, which will take effect from the beginning of July, means that UK condoms will have one of the lowest tax rates in Europe.

Students, who are classed as high-level users of contraceptive products, are expected to be among the key beneficiaries of the new measures.

The National Union of Students welcomed the Chancellor’s announcement, with NUS VicePresident Welfare Veronica King commenting: “People, especially young people, should be encouraged to get into the habit of safer sex.

“High contraceptive prices affect everyone but particularly young people who have less money.

“No one should be in the position where they don't use contraceptives because they can't afford it.”

The reduction in VAT also has important implications for organisations that purchase condoms in bulk in order to supply smaller groups.

This includes Cardiff’s SHAG that make contraception available free of charge to students in the Union, as they will be able to do more with their existing funding.

INFESTED

By Tom Lowe Reporter

A CARDIFF STUDENT has been driven from her home in Cathays by a infestation of rats.

Final year English Literature student Kerry-Lynne Doyle said that Cardiff Council pest control identified the animal as a rat.

The first-floor flat on Catherine Street has ideal conditions to attract rats - it neighbours a disused building and an unoccupied flat.

Kerry-Lynne’s landlady initially refused assistance – as did property agency Barbara Rees – and private pest control can cost £150 just for a call-out.

Kerry-Lynne has now been allowed to move out a month early rent-free, but landlords are not legally obliged to deal with vermin problems.

If you have rats call the council’s free pest control unit on 02920 872934.

World News

March 27 2006

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news@gairrhydd.com

Japan’s organ black market booms

By Jess Best Reporter THE CHINESE and Japanese governments have announced this week that they are clamping down on illegal trading of human organs between the two countries.

After years of rumours about a black market for organs in China, reports that rich Japanese citizens are buying organs such as kidneys and livers, many of which come from executed Chinese prisoners, over the internet have prompted action.

In a country where only 40 organs have been donated since 1997, the Japanese have become desperate for an alternative to the waiting lists, and China has come to be seen as a black market solution to the continuing problems.

With an estimated 8,000 prisoners executed in China each year, it appears that business is booming.

HEART: Trading

In an attempt to crack down on the illegal trade, the Japanese government has pledged to work with transport authorities to research the full extent of the problem, and what can be done to stop it.

The Chinese government has also acknowledged that the issue needs to be dealt with.

Until now, strict government control over information about Chinese prisoners has meant that the link between executed prisoners and the organ trade has never been confirmed.

The trade has flourished on the internet, with adverts for ‘e-donors’ targeting Japanese patients. But more low-tech methods have also been used to make money, with adverts having been made on the walls or in the toilets of

Chinese hospitals.

A transplant patient will then travel to China to undergo the relevant operations.

A donated kidney is believed to cost around £37,000, and a liver can cost as much as £88,000.

One Japanese kidney transplant patient said: “I would have died before getting a donor and it was cheap.”

Under Chinese law all organ donations, including those from and to close relatives, must be proceeded by proof of a relationship between the two people by marriage or blood, or evidence of a DNA test.

It is hoped that the new moves announced will stop problems with patients after care, as well as many reported cases of patients dying within a few years of their return to Japan.

New version of Monopoly lampoons Bush adminstration

By Adam Millward Reporter THE CLASSIC boardgame Monopoly has received a post-9/11 facelift in America.

‘Patriot Act: The Home Version’ might imitate the well-known game but as opposed to dealing with property, the players must grapple with US security cards and civil liberties.

The game controversially features Guantanamo Bay in place of the traditional jail squares.

It has been created by ArabAmerican graphic artist, Michael Kabbash, who went on to retail it at his w e b s i t e , www.graphix4change.com.

Openly mocking American politics, at the centre of the board sits the image of John Ashcroft, the former Attorney General who in 2001 administrated the controversial US Patriot Act into law, despite considerable opposition which insisted civil rights were being encroached.

George W Bush himself doesn’t escape lampooning, with the ‘Go’ square occupied by the words ‘Bring it on!’ – echoing the president’s response to attacks in 2003.

Kabbash’s ‘symbols of America’ are represented

in the metal playing pieces, including an oil well, a cowboy hat, a dollar sign and the constitution.

Each player must start the game by rolling dice to obtain a ‘profile’, which is made up of ethnicity, citizenship, religion, politics and profession. The player who retains their civil rights the longest is the winner.

It isn’t the first time that Kabbash has altered iconic brands to mock Republican politicians. In 2005, the graphic artist created mockups of various breakfast cereals, including ‘Republican’s NeoCon Krispies’ in the style of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies.

He has also made other political statements with brand names, including the misappropriation of the Gap brand to examine American society’s view of Arab culture.

Kabbash’s controversial version of Monopoly in America follows the game making the headlines here in the UK in March this year, after an attempted bank raid at Heathrow.

The would-be bank robbers made off with what they assumed to be £75 million in real currency, before discovering they had instead stolen Monopoly money intended for promotional use. So far, however, the robbers have not been caught.

World News in Brief

By Lindle Markwell Reporter

Strip Off-ice A ROMANIAN mayor has been reprimanded for spending £10,000 of public money on a party with male strippers.

The bash was held as a treat for his female employees to mark Women’s Day on March 8.

The mayor had previously told the local council that he would be holding: “a special dinner with… flowers for every woman and a show with professional artists."

The professional artists were in fact male strippers who were hired for the whole night.

Bin Laden TV OSAMA BIN Laden’s niece has signed a highly paid deal to appear in a reality TV show in the United States.

Wafah Dufour, who was brought up in the US, has already posed for some sexy shots in the American GQ, and the new show will chart her efforts to succeed as a pop star.

But, members of the September 11 Family Association condemn the fact that the family of the international terrorist might profit from his notoriety.

Free to chop it A RUSSIAN woman who cut off her husband’s penis in a jealous rage has been acquitted.

The green-eyed 31-year-old had been thrown out of her marital home after accusing her husband of having an affair, but she snuck back in while he was sleeping and chopped off his vital parts.

The man in question is now undergoing surgery to rebuild his genitals, while his wife has been given a threeyear suspended sentence.

Bark-ring A FAMILY in Holland have been hit with tax bills because of their barking doorbell.

Dutch law states that dog-owners must pay annual taxes of £55 for their animals, and the authorities keep confusing the barking bell with a real dog.

The family had previously owned a German Shepherd dog, so bought the doorbell that plays 15 different types of barking noises as a tribute to him.

Elections 2006

Page 6

March 27 2006

gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

UNION ELECTIONS Elections controversy

What happened to Union and AU President positions?

By Dan Ridler News Editor

Live Blog www.gairrhydd.com/elections/ gair rhydd covered the elections for the first time on our live blog.

Here’s the pick of the best bits from the two days of counting...

T

ALL PHOTOS: James Perou

his year’s sabbatical elections have witnessed an unusually large amount of controversy.

The start of the vote count was delayed following the discovery of extra unaccountable votes on Wednesday morning.

Votes were found in the election papers, which did not correspond with the student numbers recorded by polling station attendants.

These extra ballot papers had to be identified and removed before counting could commence, as it could not be confirmed that they were legitimate votes The counters were left with the task of sorting the papers into numerical order to root out the stray ballots before the election counting could begin.

Election officials do not suspect foul play in this instance but rather a mistake.

This delay held up the progress of the elections until around 6pm, with many Union officials worried that the count might not get underway in time to avoid having to re-open hustings.

The constitution states that if the counting is not commenced 24 hours after the closing of polls, then the count is declared void and the process

ELECTIONS: Never mind the ballots must re-start.

Meanwhile, counting for both the President and AU President's elections has been postponed following complaints, which were passed to the disciplinary committee.

The votes will be counted pending the results of a Union disciplinary committee meeting, expected to be held during this week.

The Union is currently not at liberty to reveal the accusations made or the candidates involved as it could influ-

ence the committee’s decision.

Last year's elections saw two candidates ejected, one for voting twice for himself and another for attempting to influence the vote.

These candidates were faced with an elections board not a disciplinary board as their behavior did not contravene Union rules, unlike this year’s candidates.

Whether this year's controversies will lead to similar ejections will be decided during the week.

Vice-President

Ed Jones

How do you feel about winning?

Totally, utterly, completely relieved and chuffed to bits, mostly for all the boys and girls who sacrificed their time and potentially their degrees for the cause.

08:00 Counting is delayed due to a ‘discrepancy’.

14:23 There’s bugger all going on.

17:16 The columnist formerly know as Geordie enters the ‘counting’ room. First words: “Piss up, brewery.”

17:25 Vote for President suspended pending disciplinary hearing. More details to follow.

18:46 Goodman announces pizza.

Counters rejoice. Domino’s ching tills. Nutritionists cry. gair rhydd denounce lack of creativity.

20:32 Elections blackout horror: “It went all dark,” said Union President.

Counters were shocked at eight thirty today when a stray gair rhydd photographer, who shall remain unnamed but calling himself James Perou, backed into the light switches plunging the room into darkness.

Unfortunately, the Returning Officer has now announced that the counting will have to restart forthwith.

Potentially, if any votes are found missing they will be presumed stolen and nominations will have to be re-opened.

20:33 Only joking. Don’t cry.

21:42 Goodman has announced that

Education & Welfare Officer

Kate Monaghan

How are you going to celebrate?

I’ve got to go back up to the gair rhydd office for a late night sesh’ finishing the paper. But the weekend is going to be huge – looking forward immensely to disgracing myself at the AU Awards ball.

How do you feel about winning?

It’s definitely a relief, I’m really happy! I want to say well done to the other candidates, the competition was fierce and the vote was very close. I’m surprised I won.

What are you most looking forward to about the position?

They say girls are attracted to power. Women aside, I put a lot of thought into my manifesto ideas and can’t wait to get stuck in.

How are you going to celebrate?

I’m going to The Taf now!

I’ll be in there celebrating with my housemate Kate Dobbs who won the Societies and International Officer position.

I’m looking forward to relaxing after such an exhausting campaign and long wait for the votes to be counted.

What’s your most important manifesto point?

I don’t want to simply preside over an already outstanding organisation but actively seek to improve people’s time in university with projects like the online swap-shop and student forum.

the count has been postponed until tomorrow morning 09:08 Kick off on day two.

12:44 The count for Vice President is about to begin. The result for gair rhydd is imminent.

13.00 Counters have begun eyeing up the cling-filmed sandwiches that have been laid onto the tables.

14.11 Cat in job realisation shocker.

“Oh yeah, I’m meant to be a writer.”

Indeed. Bless.

14.57 All further counts have been suspended till 9pm 21.09 We’re back in Aneurin Bevan room, TV Willy is your host and it’s freezing 21.38 Everyone’s had enough. I know I have, I ran into a door before and almost gave myself concussion, I have a lump the size of a green bean.

21.57 We now have a male in the sabb team. And it’s Ed. So be scared girls. Be very scared.

I think that’s libel.

Ah well, sue me Jones.

22.25 Right, that’s it, we’ve got a paper out and Syd needs to go and track down RON for the things he said about his mother.

What are you most looking forward to about the position?

It’ll be great to start implementing my ideas and make some positive changes to students’ lives. I’m also really pleased that I’ll be able to live in Cardiff for another year.

What’s your most important manifesto point?

Ensuring better representation for students and improving welfare awareness, especially taking control of the housing problem and sorting out the rubbish website.

Elections 2006

March 27 2006

Page 7

gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

2006 ROUND-UP

Election Turnout

Ethical and Environmental Officer

Chris Senior

U

nion election turnout figures hit a recent high, this year’s results have revealed.

The amount of people voting in this year’s sabbatical elections topped an average of over 4000.

This even beats the average figures for the 2005 elections according to Union Secretary James Twigger, when the then unusually high turnout was attributed to the NUS disaffiliation vote.

The disaffiliation vote called for a referendum on the issue of Cardiff University Students’ Union’s membership of the NUS which costs the Union £50,000 a year.

That particular ballot saw over 4,200 votes, yet votes for other position dragged the average down to around 3,700.

This year, there is no such clear reason for the exceptional turnout.

How did you find elections?

This is the first time I’ve applied in the elections. While the votes were being counted, the atmosphere was very tense. I think more students should be getting involved with the Students’ Union. People can make a contribution.

Welsh Affairs Officer COUNTING: 1,2,3,4,6,7... erm Mark Beacon, Returning Officer for the elections, speculated that the turnout might be down to the number of closely fought positions, with hotly contested and difficult to call positions like Vice-President and gair rhydd Editor encouraging supporters to turnout.

It has also been speculated that the

Quench Editor & Deputy gair rhydd Editor

Sophie Robehmed

How do you feel about winning?

I’m so happy and excited. Will Dean (current Quench editor) rang to tell me that I had won and I asked if he was joking. Thankfully, he wasn’t and I’ve been telling myself that ever since.

How are you going to celebrate?

Well I made an impromptu trip to the Taf with friends and following that I wel-

How do you feel about winning?

I’m very pleased and relieved.

How are you going to celebrate?

I’m going to go and get drunk again at the Union. I did a minimal campaign so it didn’t tire me out. I probably should have done a bit more, but it was a last minute decision to run for the post.

Xpress Radio Station Manager

Syd Lawrence How do you feel about winning?

I’m enthralled, excited and well happy! Deep down I knew I was going to win, but RON was a strong candidate. I’m especially happy that I won’t have to give evidence at an elections commitee against RON for slagging off my mum.

comed a state of sleepy drunkenness stretching out on a sofa instead of having to bother countless people with my policies. Giving out my loaf had become a worrying obsession (thanks for those who embraced my loaf and sorry to those who felt it was an infliction on their status as homosapians. I never thought you were ducks).

Societies & International Officer

Kate Dobbs How do you feel about winning?

I’m elated. I was in the pub when I found out and I was pretty drunk, so I was very very happy.

Huw Pritchard

slight upturn in student numbers could account for the increase, or possibly the dedication of the campaigning teams.

Whatever the reasons, it seems that the sabbatical team are understandably happy at the result.

“It’s fantastic to see so many people turning out” said James Twigger.

How have you been celebrating?

I went to the Welsh club and now I’m going to keep on partying. The campaign was incredibly tiring, it was the longest 10 days of my life, but it was great fun and I had a great campaign team. Sorry to all those who had to listen to Dr. Pressure 200 times a day.

What are you most looking forward to about the position?

I can’t wait to get the policies in my manifesto realised, and make a difference to the union.

What’s your most important manifesto point?

Introducing the Fresher Orientation Programme for international students.

gair rhydd Editor

Perri Lewis

How do you feel about winning?

I’m still in shock and I don’t think that it has sunk in yet. Being gair rhydd Editor is something that I’ve dreamed about since I joined the team in the first week of my first year. I’m so happy.

What are you going to do to celebrate?

Go straight back up to the gair rhydd office and edit the news section all night. Thursday is a deadline day for the newspaper so there’s not really much time for celebrating. But after a good rest on Friday I’ll be going out to buy all my campaign team a drink, because they really deserve it.

What are you most looking forward to about your position?

Finding and running some amazing stories, helping to improve Cardiff’s student media and spending another year working for gair rhydd.

What is your most important manifesto point?

All of them. I spent a lot of time on my manifesto, making sure that all my pledges were realistic and I’m really looking forward to implementing them all next year.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

March 27 2006

opinion@gairrhydd.com

FOUR PLAY

S

aturday nights in the Union are usually a bit of a mess.

By two o’clock on a Sunday morning most attendees can barely tell the time, so the fact that they get an extra two hours to swill snakebite around their mouths will probably be greeted with cheers amongst the Solusattending masses.

The benefits are clear: more money for the Union and, er, that’s about it apart from giving a few hundred people worse hangovers in the morning.

What we must remember though is that the new licence isn’t carved in stone.

Anyone who plays silly buggers at half four in the morning is likely to provoke a few angry letters to the council.

So, if the Union decides to make the new licence apply to regular Union nights like Come Play remember that one student antic too far might mean everyone being lobbed out at two again. And we wouldn’t want that.

Does this also mean the new burger bar is going to be open till four too?

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION IT’S FAIRLY CLEAR from the vast number of complaints and the confusion amongst candidates that the Union’s election rules need a complete overhaul.

The power of the election committee is limited to either suggesting a candidate is thrown out or having to pass on the issue. As candidates are likely to get away with multiple minor rule breaks it would make great sense to allow the returning officers and the election committee means of punishing candidates without having to actually dismiss them.

The elections process also needs to be watertight. Minor clerical errors like the one we witnessed on Wednesday can lead to huge delays in sorting the votes.

Secure online voting would save a lot of money and time, and it’s not unreasonable to think it might happen soon.

Otherwise, well done to the winners, get ready for a year of hard work.

THE FUTURE LAST WEEK SAW a few milestones for this dear organ.

You elected our first ever all-female gair rhydd/Quench editorial combo and we embraced new technology with our live election blog. So, we’d just like to put our self-indulgent hat on and say congratulations to Perri and Sophie, it’s good to know the good ship gr is in extremely capable hands.

Also, our blogging team who helped pass the dull hours of non-counting.

Hopefully now we know what we’re doing we can bring you some up-tothe-minute coverage of other events.

Here’s to the future, cheers.

Obese offspring Fact: 40% of children are obese. It’s time for parents to wake up and smell the cookies, says Tim Hewish

W

ith the release of Orwellian thriller V for Vendetta (complete with a man in a scary mask and a bald Natalie Portman) I got thinking about a certain freedom the government is taking away. Take the future ban on ‘fast food’ school dinners. Now, at no point am I championing the belief that they are at all healthy, but it boils down to choice.

The government has aligned itself to the notions of ‘choice’ and ‘diversity’ but they are now in ‘reverse gear’ (remember that quote). Taking a choice away from one sphere of control isn’t going to help the growing numbers of obesity cases in Britain.

Nothing stops a child from going out and getting a McDonald’s at lunch or after school (I did it about twice a week) but the crux of the blame falls on parents. The focus should be on them to educate their own children about the hazards of not having a balanced diet, not the government.

I commend the work of Jamie Oliver educating and bringing awareness to children, but it should still fall back on the parents’ and kids’ decisions, whether or not to eat fast food. In short ‘choice’.

Parents have a large influence over their children, whether both parties like it or not, therefore healthy packed lunches from home are the best way to combat the scramble for ‘fast food’. It is also often cheaper to make yourself food than to buy it.

Give me McDonald’s or give me death Alas, the demise of the ‘real’ school dinner is somewhat depressing. I recall the days when we needed a good

“”

W i t c o m b ’s

WORD

school dinner or two Kit Kats from the vending machine to get through the ordeal of games or PE - all the sugar and calories actually helped me not collapse after the 50 laps around the field having forgotten my PE shorts

Nothing stops a child going out and getting a McDonald’s after school Also, it doesn’t matter what food you eat - you still put calories on. This ‘cull’ on fast food doesn’t fix the issue.

During the blurry messes that are students’ mornings, I often find myself reading the back of the Corn Flakes packet only to discover that ‘an active life full of exercise is essential’ rather than a message to simply boycott McDonald’s.

A real solution could be that parents are strict with the choice of what their kids eat, twinned with the introduction of a card system which could be on their bus passes, and if parents don’t want a fast food way of life for their kids they can tell the school this and it can go on a database.

As a result the child will be refused fast food if it comes up on the computer, hell it would hopefully be cheaper than ID cards! Another great ploy to control and watch the masses.

Finally as the Vendetta says – ‘Governments should be afraid of their people, not people afraid of their Government’. Therefore, in light of these events, fatter people shouldn’t be afraid of their government, but the government should be afraid of them. Or as our American cousins would say: ‘Give me McDonald’s, or Give me Death!’

T

oday I shot fifteen Sunni rebels in the head. Quite naturally, he did not. That wouldn’t be like him. But someone somewhere probably did. This is why it is a most satisfactory and absorbing opening line.

Apparently.

My protagonist will not say this.

He doesn’t feel he has to, merely in order to be shocking, to be socially and politically relevant.

Here is another line with which he might open: today I sexually abused my sister, before setting her on fire. He shan’t say this either. Although, feasibly, he could.

He is a contemporary social construction after all. But that isn’t what he did. That wasn’t his want today. Though of course, there’s always tomorrow…

BURGER FUN: Easy option for parents, no complaints from kids by alex wallis

FREE WORD

Al’s World

gair rhydd

Alternatively, he could have revealed: today I realigned my ideological perspectives to those of the wider socio-ethnic collective.

Though he didn’t. His lexicon is not a reservoir. More a careful, meandering tributary, it never rages or swells.

Other revelations: today I told my parents I’m a lesbian. I don’t think he said that one. Today my faith was severely tested. And I have no doubt it was.

So how to begin. Our protagonist has an adequate social awareness, but it is soft and humble. He likes to know the results of rebel clashes as much as he likes to know the results of the football. He knows perfectly well that bodies are soiled in blazes of perversion, but he’d rather not discuss it in

prose. Intoxication can certainly lead to nasty ailments such as death, but he doesn’t keep such company and likes to think no-one does.

Which doesn’t leave him with much to say, in a fractured society such as his. Or so we’d like to believe. He has actually been looking out his window today. The sky has done many things. It has held darting swallows, threads of dissolving cloud, machines that wink in the sunlight, and the sun itself that now nudges the horizon in a shroud of opulent red.

And all this has led him to open with a line that no-one in this world would have thought a protagonist to say: today I was amazed by the world. And I think I always have been.

March 27 2006

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Must the medicine go down?

Last week's drug trial disaster laid bare the risks of modern medical research. Tom Lowe seeks the line between blame and reason

S

ix young men are seriously ill in hospital – two of whom said to be fighting for their lives – following their participation in phase-one tests of new drug TGN1412, proposed by German developers TeGenero as an antirheumatism treatment. As a result, sensationalist headlines baying for blood have been rife this week, fuelling reactions of horror and shock, and asking indignant questions over how and why this could been allowed to happen.

There have been wild accusations over wrong dosages, contaminations, incorrect formulation, and ‘breaches of best practice’, as well as crassly misguided outcry that a German drug had been tested on Brits and not Germans.

But if we look past this cauldron of outrage, there are also some important questions.

On the whole, specious blamethrowing aside, it was most likely just a very unfortunate accident. We can all deeply sympathise with the victims and their families, but the fact is, this is an isolated case which demonstrates precisely why a rigorous test protocol for the development of drugs in the Western world has evolved.

There are three mandatory phases of human testing before the Committee on Safety of Medicines (CSM) will license a drug for marketing; a fourth post-marketing surveillance phase aims to detect any longer-term effects.

For all the uproar, the only valid criticism of the test process itself, carried out by US-based company Paraxel, is a minor one: the phase-one ‘best practice’ of administering a test drug to one or two subjects, waiting a while, and then continuing to others, was not fol-

90% of drugs used on babies have never undergone proper testing for their paediatric targets

MEDICAL RESEARCH: Currently in the spotlight lowed. Desperately wrong as this may seem in hindsight, the procedure is not yet a legal requirement, and is frequently skipped over in medical trials.

The point is that rather than blindly slamming scapegoats, we should be acknowledging the larger issues. If there is blame to be attributed, it should of course be recognised, but this should not detract from the lessons we can learn.

In 1987, drug tests caused the death of a healthy volunteer in Ireland, prompting similar responses to those we have seen in the last week.

Subsequent Irish legislation effectively outlawed research on children by imposing strict conditions for consent that were impossible for a minor to give. Arguably though, this attitude

has done as much to increase drug risks to children as to reduce them.

Across Europe, ethical concerns over testing on children mean that 50% of drugs used on children (90% of drugs used on babies) never undergo proper testing for their paediatric targets.

Clearly, if a drug is not successfully tested on its target, it cannot be given the seal of safety approval. This is not to say we should release untested drugs into the market of course, but generalising all-clears – either from monkeys to humans or adult women to young boys – surely leaves too much to chance.

A member of BBC2’s Newsnight audience last week suggested that humankind was actually due a tragedy of this nature for all our testing on ani-

mals. A touch ill-considered perhaps (what, then, do we test on – carrots?) but she may have been closer to a lead than it seemed. Although TeGenero have stated they tested the drug extensively on animals before humans (as the law requires) and Paraxel have said they were satisfied the trial process was carried out to standard, pharmaceutical expert Dr David Glover has suggested that animal tests on drugs like TGN1412 could be inadequate, as it stimulates a particular protein found only in humans, so animal test success could have given false reassurance.

Indeed, after all other preliminary precautions, drugs designed for humans can ultimately only be fully tested by humans. In this age of seeking the medical quick-fix, if we want

Gagging for your vote?

By Rosy Smith

Y

es, everybody, it was that time again. Election Time.

The time when usually ordinary people stripped in the humanities café, dressed up like common vegetables, and adorned children’s fancy dress outfits in a bid to win your vote.

Nowhere was safe from the pledges and their gang - not the Taf on Saturday night, not the Colum Road crossing on the way to lectures, not even the lecture halls themselves, and no doubt you yourself will have seen no end of gags and gimmicks in the past week, aimed at securing your

vote.

But out of all those you remember, how many of them actually told you their policies? It’s possible that the girl in the Taf on Saturday night did have a genuine concern that my drink should not be left strawless thus resulting in the rubbing off of my lipstick, but it seems much more likely, from the small piece of paper with ‘Vote for me’ written on it that was spiked through the straw, that really, she just wanted me to vote for her.

Did she stop and chat? Not really.

Did I know what her policies were?

Not at all. But: I remember her, so, if I’m honest, I voted for her. In fact it would have been a lot easier all round if instead of names, the ballot papers

just put the candidates slogan and gag next to the box.

Last year, as a mere fresher, I was encouraged by the way in which our union is run by students, and watching Superman free-wheeling in a stolen trolley across the Colum Road junction provided some welcome amusement on the way to a nine o’clock poetry lecture. However at the end of the day, Superman didn’t get my vote, (he had come in to where I worked a few times and been a bit rude. I didn’t like the cut of his jib, amusing as he was). Instead, ‘Good Egg’ got it, and in fact I believe I still have the badge one of his friends willingly pinned on to my cleavage somewhere at home.

Good ol’Gooders. The reason he

got my vote was because he was the one and only candidate who took the time to come round to mine and my neighbours’ houses in Talybont last year to tell us his policies. Far from being obnoxious or giggly, he was approachable and friendly. He was always around the union on a night out, pint in hand, but he didn’t try to force his gag too strongly on anybody either.

It is a shame to think that the run for Cardiff Students’ Union office has became a competition for who can come up with the best gag. So next year, when someone shouts ‘Vote for me’, why not turn around and ask ‘Why?’.

Of course, there might also be no need for financial incentives, which have been scrutinised as a distracting factor. Indeed, the number of medical test volunteers has, bizarrely, risen since the fiasco emerged. Both men who received the placebos say they did it for the money, and it is no secret that many volunteers sign up because they need quick money to make ends meet (students, for example, are often making up the numbers).

Can a decision driven by financial hardship really be deemed objective and rational? Or is a large monetary reward actually a greater deterrent (consider the £10 a student gets at the Common Cold Centre on Park Place to the £2000 these unfortunate young men received for their time)?

Whichever the case, the payments dished out by drugs companies are scant in comparison to the revenue if the drug is successful.

What needs to be done now is to assess whether any mistakes were made, accept responsibility if necessary, and to make a big point of addressing public concern. We need to be sure that information about testing is comprehensive, and not diluted by chunky documents full of legal and medical jargon, but we also need to acknowledge that risk cannot be eliminated.

opinion@gairrhydd.com

anyone any opinion any time

Drugs designed for humans can ultimatley only be fully tested on humans

to see progress in the pharmaceutical industry, we must be prepared to commit to it. Testing new drugs brings with it inherent risks. That’s the point. If we could somehow be certain there were no risks, there would be no need for tests in the first place.

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Letters

Page 10

March 27 2006

letters@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd letters pages Hello, I regret to inform you that this is the last Letters page before Easter. Boo hoo. Oh well, eating Easter eggs can fuel your depression. Eggcellent (excuse the pun, it’s just Menon being Menon. If I don’t include puns, I will have an identity crisis). Moving swiftly ON, (only once), I have no space left. Oh dear. Menon.

Burger King

Wood you shut up?

I WAS very pleased to read in the South Wales Echo, news that the police force have finally taken action against the illegal burger van traders, who supply disgusting burgers to students at the end of an evening at the bottom of the Union steps. This action has been called for by Union officers for years.

In my manifesto last year I stated that I would introduce a burger bar into Solus. Since my term of office began, I have worked with my fellow officers and staff to look at the operation of night time catering in the Union.

A number of different contractors were approached and others approached us. We also had to identify a suitable venue for catering. The venue that was selected has needed extensive work on it to bring it up to health and safety standards, as well as to find alternative catering facilities for use by the numerous bands who play live music at the Union.

One of the first rules of journalism is to check your sources when writing an article. Disappointingly, Daniel Ridler failed to contact me regarding the issue of the burger bar. Had he have done so he would have had some exciting news. The Union is currently in discussions with the manager of CF10 for Diamond Catering to run a burger bar in Solus.

These discussions are well advanced, and I’m very pleased to announce that Diamond Catering will be having the Burger Bar’s opening night on 24 March.The burger bar will be open for an initial trial period – and I’m hoping to be behind the counter on the opening night!

DEAR ‘WOODY BARMAID’. I’m terribly sorry to have offended you and your fine establishment.

I do however feel that you completely missed my very simple point; I don’t like the new colour of the Woodville. Instead you used my criticism as an opportunity to shamelessly plug the recent refurbishments. I did not comment on the interior as this was not the purpose of my letter and is completely irrelevant.

I liked the previous ‘playschooly’ shade of bright yellow. That is my opinion and I feel the new ‘turd’ shade diminishes the outside appeal of the pub. Also, as the average age of students will never change, do their surroundings really need to ‘grow up’?

Situated at the heart of our student community, I feel discussing the Woodville does actually matter. If you don’t then why do you work there?

Pete Goodman Cardiff Students’ Union President

Yours, Nikki, third year

Losing My Religion I FEEL QUITE inspired to say something after reading Chris White’s editorial piece ‘Education not Creation’ in last week’s gair rhydd.

I think the answer as to why scientists do not defend their ideas is quite a simple one - they’re true.

Religious people (of which I used to be one, and speak from quite reasonable experience) know that their ideas are founded on something far less strong than the scientists’.

The more pragmatic among them learn to continually reset the ‘God level’ (eg. religion: ‘God made man’; Science: ‘Man evolved from apes’; Religion: ‘Ok, God made the Apes’ etc...).

Text: 07791165837 CPS burn in hell you useless fuckwits.

No job, two bank accounts, parents give her money = 1735 quid hardship grant sounds fair.

Mike and Laura are a cuple. Fact.

Hello who is this?

Whats the point of a female necrophilliac? Us men get all the fun!

Metro sellers: fuck off and die, parasites!

Big Breakfast, a little bit of magic in the morning.

Blair: you and me george eh? on brokeback mountain?

“Cardiff Student’s Union promotes sensible drinking” La la la fishcakes, may your salt and vinegar be blessed.

Dont sit drunk on kingcoed flyover. You’ll get commited under section 2. Believe me.

letter of the week Factory Fact CAN WE PLEASE stop all this tiresome whinging about Fun Factory please?

Granted it can be a heaving sweat-saturated hovel of despair, but at least there’s some vibrancy about it. Better that then another dungeon like Metros.

The Union caters for thousands of people, with limited few Slayer fans. Like electoral politics, a wider margin of the student populace must be catered for. Alienate the majority and prepare to fail.

When I abandoned religion, I think I was up to ‘God made gravity, the strong nuclear force and the electroweak forces’. Simple. The more dogmatic know, at least on some level, that dogma has to be fought for, because it is, at heart, rubbish.

The scientists know they’ve got it right, so what’s the point in fighting.

Let’s make this the non-issue it is (while I entirely agree that it’s nonsense to teach creationism, Darwinism is really only a tiny bit of science there are a lot more important things to study).

Personally, I prefer Miles Kington’s (Independent) notion of ‘unintelligent design’, namely that the universe is one of God’s school projects, abandoned before he started to really get it right.

My other, possibly more important point, was to point out a little bit of non-scientific thinking in the piece.

The criticism of Wikipedia is entirely wrong.

The difference in error between Wikipedia and the Britannica is a MERE 30%.

Let’s look at that scientifically: if, say, 0.1% of all Britannica articles contain an error, the 0.13% of all Wikipedia ones do - which is remarkable when you consider that it is not strictly regulated like the Britannica the point that the nature article was making. Keep using Wikipedia, kids!!

James Landon

Election Depression STUDENT POLITICS. How utterly, soul destroying and pointless. The never-ending parade of braying students thinking, somehow, that their tedious unoriginal opinions will ever matter, gets more depressing each year.

I’ve been at university long enough to be thoroughly sick of the annual charade of Union elections. Seriously, the same campaigns (grants ‘n’ fees, fair trade, more skive time on a Wednesday, etc.) It just gets duller every year.

I’ve got some serious news for you here - YOU will not change fees up or down a single penny, because you are a nobody Education and Welfare Officer whose political clout in the Welsh Assembly/Westminster/Star Fleet is marginally less than that of the person who applies Grecian 2000 to Tony Blair’s scalp. And dressing up as fairy as part of your campaign can’t convince me otherwise. I’m talking

Ok, so Fun Factory is supposed to be ‘alternative’, and clearly doesn’t always fulfil this promise. But this catch-all ‘alternative’ moniker could be extended to mean virtually anything that’s never graced the charts.

Various styles are covered within the boundaries of the Union’s capability. We are played what is popular within the alternative, which due to its vast popularity has become a section of the mainstream in itself.

Spare us the upset about ‘your’ precious alternative night being taken over by jockstrapped rahs and about YOU, Tinkerbell !

Think long and hard third years and postgrads; what have any of the annual selection of self-aggrandizing imbeciles ever achieved for you in their sinecures. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The whole point of student elections is to give students with limited intellect and large mouths something to put on their precious CVs. It would be nice to walk away a shake of the head, but these elections cost money, and, bugger me, these people get paid good money to swan around for a year doing sweet FA. Money which comes from the Union and the profits it makes. I wonder exactly how much of the £2 for a pint of Guinness in the Union goes towards the upkeep of a executive whose President’s sole tangible achievement seems to have been setting up a burger bar in the nightclub. And even that’s taken all bloody year! Such political dynamic. Won’t be a matter of time till you’re addressing Congress, will it Pete?

To cap it all we get students writing oh-so-earnestly about banning Coke. Why pick the same easy targets, Coke, Nestle, Rolls Royce. Yawn. It sounds worse than a Guardian editorial beit one written by Neil from The Young Ones.

No-one ever considers banning cigarettes from sale in the Union, do they?

And surely Philip Morris/Imperial and Gallagher et al do far more damage to students’ health, wealth and lifestyle, never mind their sharp business practices in the third world, than a Yorkie bar ever did.

But that wouldn’t be so easy would it? I can’t see the crusties from People ‘n’ Planet voting to have to walk to Sainsbury’s for their rolling baccy.

Why not revolutionise student politics (and save a few quid) and make the voting all electronic, and compulsory (like Australian elections).

During a seven-day period when you check your email you go to a voting page and do your democratic duty.

Then watch how many people tick R.O.N. / Don’t Give a Shit / All Tossers box. Or when the referendum to ‘Ban Cheesy Wotsits’ is called for by the Pringles Appreciation Society they would actually have to get majority to force their whim through.

Perhaps then candidates and singleissue groups would realise how little people care about them and their gormless opinions.

Vive la revolution!

“Election Beaver”

medallioned hoi polloi.

The most laughable statement of the lot was saved till last: that ‘rock and alternative nights are not for poseurs’. Hell there’s nothing wrong with taking care of one’s appearance, or even wearing a uniform to demark your allegiances. Most people do one way or another.

But don’t pretend to be immune from such vanity: emo and indie kids are surely some of the most shameless fashion exhibitionists about.

Finn Scott-Delany

Depression Support I AM SORRY the student who wrote in last week to complain about the counselling service felt so angry.

We provide a variety of forms of support and the depression support group is one of them. We provide the counsellor, the room and provide students with the information on date and time.

What we cannot control however, is whether students will turn up. I think that the student was right to feel disappointed. However, that frustration, if it is directed anywhere, should be directed towards the other students who had signed up and did not, for what ever reason, turn up.

Resources are always very tight for us and any missed appointment is a wasted opportunity and waste of resources.

Perhaps the student concerned would like to contact me personally.

John Cowley Head of Counselling

Letter Correction Two weeks ago I wrote that one of People and Planet’s members described gair rhydd as ‘rightwing’.

It turns out that I was in fact mistaken. I can only apologise to P&P for my libellous remarks. (Because that’s what libel actually is.)

Yours, The Geordie formerly known as columnist.

Please email letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Fancy a moan about student life? Want to get your point across to the Cardiff student population? Then your in the right place! Email us your letters on the above address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but bear in mind we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not neccessarily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd.

Comment

March 27 2006

Page 11

columnist@gairrhydd.com

MICKELODEON ELECTION LATEST: Piss-up in brewery cancelled

Manifesto Massacre Come on,

T

Least Grasp Of How The Union Works Award Several candidates pledged that they were going to put sections into the gair rhydd, with the most notable pledge aiming to get a Societies page at the expense of one of the television pages. If any society have any interesting news of something they’ve done, they can talk to our news team; if they want something advertised they can put it in our excellent listings section.

Aside from these two possibilities, and having had to sit through two years’ of drivel at Societies Council, they do absolutely nothing else of any interest to warrant having a page.

Most importantly - and this is worth noting for anyone planning on running next year - no-one outside of the paper has the authority to decree what they want in it. If you want to make changes then you come up to the office and put in the hours to earn respect first like everyone else here does, whether you’re a fresher or a Sabb officer.

Most Absurd Promise Award Easily the tightest competition for any award. There’s the pledge to put into place universal application of Blackboard (which is quite self-evidently at the decision of lecturers, not a Sabb officer), various promises of ‘better funding’ (presumably funded with a bullshit tax), or everyone’s annual pledge to work more closely with RAG and SHAG, which will shortly be followed by the annual disappointment. Clear winner, however, is Kate Monaghan’s aim of setting up an on-campus GUM clinic, which is precisely 37,654 miles beyond the capabilities of the Education and Welfare Officer. Should this ever truly happen, I’ll personally attend to every diseased scrot that comes in.

Worst Campaign Although Doctor Kate comes a close second with her declaration that the Union was sick, Clare Donovan takes an easy first place for having spent the last week and half screaming the Jim’ll Fix It theme tune at people on the crossroads. Who on Earth decided that was sound basis for choosing a candidate shouldn’t have a place at this university, let alone a vote in the elections?

Most Pointless Document Award Me and the Union Constitution have history: people have twice threat-

PHOTO: James Perou

his year’s elections have been home to the same myriad of half-truths, absurd campaigning and outright lies that we’re all pretty darned used to.

Unfortunately between the fact we can’t write about the President or AU President candidates yet, we’re a little short of material.

Still, tally ho:

A NIGHT AT THE BALLOT: Returning Officer in dual-tounged shocker ened to use the nutjob document to try and suspend me, so this is something rather personal. The problem is that the damned thing is interpreted so literally by anyone who thinks they have something to gain. In the case of the elections, a delay in the start of counting could have potentially led to the entire election campaign having to be restarted, because of a technicality requiring the counting to start within 24 hours of the polls shutting. And, of course, it meant that we couldn’t (and in the case of the President and AU President elections, still can’t) point out the absolute lies in some of the manifestos. Anyone with pyromaniac tendencies: please get in contact and I’ll put you in the direction of every copy of the bleeding thing.

Most Obnoxious Candidate Award Out of the stiff competition, the new Welsh Affairs Officer stands head and shoulders above everyone else. In case he didn’t notice, the vast majority of the Welsh population at the University (let alone the rest of the electorate) don’t speak Welsh, so his manifesto and speech at hustings was something of a waste of time. A candidate worthy of a good RONing.

Best Blow For Feminism Award The new all-women editorship of gair rhydd and Quench have announced that the fortnightly magazine will be replaced by a different piece of make-up every week. A partwork for readers to build their own kitten is also on the cards, and editing night on Thursday will turn into a sleepover to talk about boys and pretty clothes and, like, stuff. Mickelodeon, meanwhile, will be replaced by The Best of Cosmo, Politics will be succeeded by Heat’s Torso of the Week, and the dragon logo will make way for a picture of an amputated penis.

Strike Two

F

ollowing on from last week’s incisive analysis of the strike action (titled Strike One - DO YOU SEE?), I’ve heard a new, lovely theory about what AUT members could do to stop pissing people off.

The problem with lecturers choosing not to mark our coursework is that we aren’t the ones who pay the lecturers. Boycotting our work is a bit like train drivers going on strike by picketing the Education Department: it’ll piss a lot of people off, but it’s ultimately in about the same league of effectiveness as chocolate fireguards.

So, killing about 37 birds with one stone here, why don’t the lecturers keep marking our work and just stop filling in the pointless paperwork they’re sent by the university?

We get to graduate on time, lecturers get to ditch all their pointless work, and the university’s most pointless departments will be devoid of work for a while. Sounds like a winning combination to me.

Anyway, elsewhere in the barking world of striking, the news has been chockful of French students blockading themselves into their universities over changes to the employment laws.

In a way it sounds massively exciting. Can you imagine blocking yourself into the Humanities building for days on end? Sure, there are a lot of

exits to cover, but there are plenty of vending machines to sustain strikey action.

Whilst it may be exciting and will almost certainly work (the French government cave in the face of this sort of thing faster than a Vegas hooker under her pimp), they’re ultimately still going to be stuck in what is one of Europe’s most stagnant economies.

So here’s a little academic trade: how about we take on some of the Gallic lecturers and send ours off to the revolting students? At least this way at least one side of the Channel can look forward to graduating this year.

NOT: A lecturer

MySun R upert Murdoch has made a tidy little earner out of always being one step ahead of the game. By ‘tidy little earner’ I do, of course, mean ‘huge, terrifying piles of cash that could topple over and kill you at any moment’.

But like trying to explain mobile phones to your Grandma, the internet has swanned past News International, prompting a company review last year by Murdoch to get online. One buy-up blowout later and half the internet is now in the company’s hands, with MySpace now the jewel in the crown.

But it looks like Murdoch’s finger has fallen well and truly off the media pulse. Having paid a ridiculous £331 million for the site, he’s now taking the truly barking step of linking it to the Sun.

FOXY: Murdoch gets Myspacey Our Antipodean chum has decided that as The Times readership is too stately to do MySpace then the only other option is turning tabloid. But it kind of overlooks the fact that the Sun is now largely the preserve of old men in pubs discussing the finer points of pigeon-racing, whilst MySpace is really there pouting in mirrors for ropey photos to the sound of My Chemical Romance. They’re about as close to polar opposites in cultural terms as you could get.

In the meantime we can expect the final slow death of MySpace in the hands of a media baron from another age. Whilst the idea that the mainstream media belongs to a bygone age is absurd, a company as massive as News International can’t evolve as quickly as new media needs it to.

So what does the death of MySpace mean? Hardly the end of a brave new world of social networking. I can count on one hand the number of people who don’t get bored of MySpace within the first three months, and also see daylight on an at least daily basis.

Instead it’s just the end of both media baron and a massively overhyped phenomenon. In 20 years time, it’s difficult to imagine anyone lamenting either of those.

Politics

March 27 2006

Page 13

politics@gairrhydd.com

Enough sleaze to please

Politics concludes its look at the main poltical parties: this week, a critical eye is cast upon the Labour government

By Andy Rennison Deputy Political Editor

S

leaze, scandal and corruption – three words to warm the cockles of many a political commentator. Like musketeers, they usually all appear in the same story and are mildly entertaining when they do. And such entertainment seems to have been everywhere over the past few months, as Labour appear to sink deeper into political sin.

The News of the World may have to turn broadsheet just to fit all the sensationalism into one print. Every week, another scandal: Tessa Jowell one week, secret party loans the next and, by my watch, Peter Mandelson is due some controversy any time now. If I had to guess, I’d say that some duct tape, a webcam and a goat might be involved.

With the amount of column inches taken up by sleaze this year, anyone would think that Labour and Westminster in general were achieving new heights of political depravity. But that’s a pile of steaming manure.

A fortnight ago, an old Tory named John Profumo passed away. In 1963 he was forced to resign having lied to the Commons over an affair with a call girl. The furore surrounding the story made worldwide headlines and was

of his resignation, George had made a cool £150 million in today’s money from his little hobby.

And now, 80 years later, Labour has been accused of a strikingly similar sideline. How times don’t change.

The last two decades have witnessed a flood of exposed corruption, from ‘Cash for Questions’, to the perjury of Aitkin and Archer, to Mandelson, to Blunkett, to now. But it isn’t that politics has got or is getting increasingly corrupt; it’s that the public are getting increasingly curious.

Fifty years ago there was no Sun – being sleazy was not the risky business it is today, and so, far from some immaculate era, the past was probably more abused with political corruption than the present.

But the unquestioning reverence given to Westminster has vanished, and no politician can now hide behind an unspoken veil of journalistic taboo. Every MP is open to the Daily Mirror phone-tapping their necktie.

Some say that the public have lost respect for politicians due to all the unearthed scandals of recent years. In fact, that so many scandals have been revealed has led to public respect for MPs fading.

And so now we have our weekly DON’T MESS WITH TESSA: Jowell fought off her recent scandal bulletins of fresh controversy,

mentioned for years to come.

Sir Ian McKellen played Profumo in the movie about the incident.

So sleaze is not a modern phenomenon. It was simply not as widely uncovered as it is today. For example, the Profumo affair was not sensational because of the call girl – dozens of MPs were rumoured to play away, a fact just glossed over.

The scandal erupted because the call girl in question had also got friendly with Soviet Intelligence Officer Yevgeny Ivanov, this being amidst the height of the Cold War. And political decadence certainly didn’t kick off with the swinging Sixties. Back when World War One was big news, Prime Minister Lloyd George began selling honours and titles through a bro-

ker to anybody who had the money, offering everything from Viscountcies at £120,000 to OBEs at a mere £100 a pop.

By the time

bringing our wayward politicians to account in the public domain. Yet this overkill of sensationalism is doing matters no good at all.

The News of the World may have to turn broadsheet just to fit in all the sensationalism

The high frequency of sleaze stories in the media deflates their impact. At the current rate, nobody will care about the newest scandal because such reports will feel like old news, a constant background noise of sound bites and statements.

Labour’s current standing illustrates this clearly. Sleaze one week hardly dents their footing the next – Tessa Jowell hasn’t even had to leave office over her and her husband’s affairs.

Soon the public may not even care for a denial, let alone a resignation, and corruption will casually become the rule, not the exception.

Tabloids must filter out the trivial stories from the titanic, not sacrifice their front pages every week to another mass-produced controversy. If they don’t, we risk endorsing corruption rather than exposing it.

A PREY OF JUDGEMENT

By Victoria Lawston Political Correspondent

T

ony Blair has had an eventful premiership punctuated with lies, cover-ups, war and terrorism. It is fair to say that there is a definite lack of faith in him these days, as with each bad decision or ill-advised quote, another segment of his support fades away.

One of the chief problems many people have with Blair is his continued loyalty to President Bush. The feeling against George W is intense, his image as an overtly right-wing, intellectually challenged, hawkish, trigger-happy warmonger is a strange thing for any leader to want to be connected with, and Tony Blair has been tainted by association.

It appears that there is a definite anti-Blair bandwagon, largely influenced by the media, consisting of those who will criticise Blair without really knowing why, just because everyone else does and it will boost their popularity.

One of the chief reasons he has lost so much support is through his constant deceptions, the biggest of which centered on the invasion of Iraq and the weapons of mass destruction.

In a speech to the Foreign Policy Centre on Tuesday he tried to answer his critics, making the point that the people of Iraq wanted democracy and freedom, in which case Saddam had to go. Yet the point remains that Blair was not honest about his reasons in the first place, and now, however plausible his arguments may be, they will always be taken with an enormous pinch of salt.

But it seems that through all the Blair-bashing there lies a danger of people becoming so anti-war that they are almost pro-Saddam - George Galloway par exemple. All agree that war is a bad thing, but justifying conflict is a different matter.

If the war had not happened Saddam would still be killing people.

However, questions persist over the reasoning behind the war, added to the fact that it was not endorsed by the UN. Furthermore, wider issues, such as whether larger states should interfere with smaller nations, continue to be debated.

More recently Blair has lost more confidence from the public due to sleaze in the ‘Lordships for loans’ fiasco, where it is reported that he gave peerages to three men who had made substantial loans to the party.

Yet as serious as these scandals

seem to us, compared to many other countries Britain is relatively sleazefree. The scandals overshadow the good things Blair has done, even if he only has himself to blame.

There is so much spin surrounding Blair it is difficult to establish the truth. For all the lies and decption, it is important to note that this is a characteristic of pretty much every politician. All I am saying is that maybe he

is not all bad.

When he made his comments about religion and his decision to go to war on Parkinson there was much bemusement. However, after watching the episode, it did seem more like Blair was trying to explain a difficult decision.

The mention of religion was perhaps an ill-advised ploy to remind the public that he is only human, but it

IN THE SHADOWS: Blair is tarred with Bush’s brush

was still not really that much of a big deal. People are extremely quick to judge the Prime Minister and the government, seeing health advice on obesity, or the smoking ban as infringing their rights. It has got to the point where Blair cannot win, but is this actually because he is wrong or because we are so used to believing him to be?

Taf-Od

Tud 14

Mawrth 27 2006

tafod@gairrhydd.com

ADDYSG GYMRAEG NAWR! Gan Lois Dafydd Gohebydd Taf-Od

AR MAWRTH 14 gwersyllodd myfyrwyr sy'n galw am Goleg Ffederal Cymraeg tu allan i adeilad newydd y Senedd.

Trefnwyd yr ymgyrch gan UMCA (Undeb Myfyrwyr Cymraeg Aberystwyth), sy'n dadlau nad yw darpariaeth Prifysgol Aberystwyth yn ddigonol ar gyfer y rheini sy'n dymuno astudio trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg.

Cyn mynd i'r brifysgol roedd nifer o fyfyrwyr Aberystwyth dan yr argraff y byddai canran fawr o'u cwrs yn cael ei dysgu trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg, a dim ond wrth gyrraedd y sylweddolwyd nad oedd hynny'n wir. ’Des i i Aberystwyth i astudio Daearyddiaeth nid Geography,' meddai un o'r myfyrwyr a gafodd ei siomi, ac mae UMCA wedi bod yn ymgyrchu dros newid y sefyllfa hon.

‘Mae Prifysgol Aberystwyth yn gweithio i gryfhau'r ddarpariaeth cyfrwng Cymraeg, gan gynnwys yr angen am ddeunydd addas ac, yr un mor bwysig, i feithrin diddordeb ymysg mwy o fyfyrwyr i fanteisio ar y ddarpariaeth hon,' meddai Osian Rhys, cyn-Lywydd UMCA, yn 2004.

Er gwaethaf cyfres o brotestiadau a galw ar y Llywodraeth leol ac ar y Cynulliad, dyw'r sefyllfa heb newid.

Dywedodd Llywydd presennol UMCA, Stephen Hughes, 'Mae'n amser tyngedfennol i addysg Gymraeg ar hyn o bryd - nid yw'r sefyllfa bresennol yn dderbyniol. Mae angen strwythur gadarn a phedant i ddatblygu addysg Gymraeg, ac rydym o'r farn mai Coleg Ffederal Cymraeg yw'r ffordd orau i gyflawni hynny.'

Ond beth yw Coleg Ffederal Cymraeg?

'Nid adeilad ac nid rhywbeth llythrennol fydd y coleg,' meddai Rhys Llwyd, un o'r ymgyrchwyr, 'ond str-

PROTEST: Galw am Goleg Ffederal Cymraeg wythur amlsefydliadol dros Gymru er mwyn datblygu ac ariannu addysg Gymraeg.'

Collodd tua 40 o fyfyrwyr gwsg dros addysg Gymraeg yn oerfel Bae Caerdydd. Roedd y mwyafrif o Brifysgol Aberystwyth, gyda chynrychiolwyr o Brifysgol Bangor, Prifysgol Caerdydd a Chymru X yno hefyd.

Darparodd Cymru X, Plaid Cymru ac Undeb Cristnogol Caerdydd fwyd i'r ymgyrchwyr.

'Mae Jane Davidson [Gweinidog

Arian yn Siarad

Gan Nick Morris Gohebydd Taf-Od

‘BETH YW'R PWYNT?' Gofynnodd llawer o bobl i mi pan ddwedais i 'mod i'n dysgu'r Gymraeg. 'Mae pawb yn gallu siarad Saesneg.'

Efallai bod chi'n meddwl mai dyma broblem y Saeson? Dy'n nhw ddim wedi rhoi'r gorau i feddiannu'r byd. Efallai. Ond faint o bobl sy'n fodlon dysgu iaith sy ddim yn gallu cael ei hysgrifennu ar eu CVs? Ydych chi wedi mynd ar eich gwyliau i Ffrainc erioed? Bob tro dwi'n mynd yno dwi'n gweld pobl (ry'ch chi'n gwybod bod ydyn nhw Prydeinig o'r siorts sy'n dadlenni coesau gwynion) sy'n pwyntio i'r fwydlen dan weiddi: 'WHAT IS THAT IN ENGLISH?' i'r gweinyddion Ffrengig dig.

Byddai'n wallgof awgrymu bod y teithwyr eisiau i faner Jac yr Undeb chwifio uwchben y Champs Elysees

achos ein bod ni'n gwybod bod y teithwyr sy ddim yn trio siarad Ffrangeg yn Ffrainc yn bobl ddiog, nid yn bobl hiliol. Dyma ran o'r broblem ac mae hi'n anodd newid agweddau fel hyn.

Ond dwi'n credu bod rhywbeth mwy yn bygwth y Gymraeg. Mae Cymdeithas Yr Iaith Gymraeg ac ymgyrchwyr eraill yn ymladd brwydr heb obaith am nad ydyn nhw'n ceisio gwrthwynebu'r Saesneg.

Ond - 'globalisation' - does dim gair yn y Gymraeg iddi ond gallwch chi ei disgrifio gan ei heffaith, sef marwolaeth diwylliant ac amrywiaeth.

Dyma'r perygl mwyaf i'r iaith Gymraeg. Pe na bai budd economaidd i bobl, pam fydden nhw eisiau dysgu'r iaith Gymraeg? Mae gan arian barch at un peth yn unig mwy o arian. Tra bod arian yn siarad, bydd pobl yn gwrando - a dydy arian ddim yn siarad Cymraeg, yn anffodus.

Wyt ti’n awyddus i gyfrannu at Taf-0d?

Tyrd i’n gweld ni ar bedwerydd llawr yr Undeb neu ebostia: tafod@gairrhydd.com

dros Addysg yn y Cynulliad] wedi cael hen ddigon o amser i gynllunio strategaeth am Goleg Ffederal ers i'r protestiadau gychwyn yn 2003,' meddai Jonathan Richards, aelod o Bwyllgor Gwaith Cymru X, 'ond nid ydyw wedi ymateb i'r myfyrwyr. Mae hyn yn warthus.' Ychwanegodd Darren Price, Swyddog Ymgyrchoedd Cymru X, bod 'derbyn addysg drwy'r iaith Gymraeg yn hawl sylfaenol.'

Ar ôl ychydig oriau o gwsg ymgasglodd y gwersyllwyr ac ymgyrchwyr

eraill y tu allan i'r Eglwys Norwyeg am 11.30 fore Mercher. Arweiniodd Stephen Hughes orymdaith o amgylch adeiladau'r Cynulliad yn bloeddio am 'Addysg Gymraeg yn awr' gan obeithio na fyddai'r gwleidyddion yn troi clust fyddar.

Cyrhaeddodd yr orymdaith y Senedd lle anerchodd Janet Ryder, llefarydd Plaid Cymru dros Addysg a Dysgu Gydol Oes, Catrin Dafydd, cadeirydd grwp Deddf Iaith Newydd Cymdeithas yr Iaith Gymraeg a

Stephen Hughes y protestwyr a'r cyfryngau a oedd wedi ymgynnull yno.

Yr un oedd ergyd y tri: mae'r ddarpariaeth bresennol yn annigonol ac anghyfiawn o dan lywodraeth Lafur sy'n honni ei bod am greu Cymru ddwyieithog, gan alw arni i ystyried ei pholisïau o ddifrif ynghylch darpariaeth addysg Gymraeg.

Dywedodd Stephen Hughes ei fod yn gobeithio y byddai sefydlu Coleg Ffederal yn arwain at sefydlu Undeb Myfyrwyr Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd, a bod gwir angen am hynny. Ydych chi erioed wedi ystyried y posibiliad o Undeb Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd?

Byddwn i'n ei chroesawu â breichiau agored.

Mae'n gywilyddus ac yn annerbyniol nad oes gan fyfyrwyr Prifysgol Caerdydd y dewis i dderbyn eu haddysg trwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Dair blynedd yn ôl dilëwyd y cwrs Hanes Cymru, gydag ond un adran yn dysgu trwy'r Gymraeg bellach, sef Ysgol y Gymraeg.

Er bod modd sefyll pob arholiad ac ysgrifennu pob traethawd yn Gymraeg, nid yw hynny'n ddarpariaeth ddigonol, ac ychydig sy'n dewis dilyn y trywydd hwnnw gan mai Saesneg yw cyfrwng pob agwedd arall o'u cwrs. Gall sefydlu Coleg Ffederal newid hynny.

Mae'n siwr bod nifer fawr ohonom wedi profi anghyfiawnder ieithyddol yn ystod ein gyrfa yn y brifysgol. Er gwaetha'r cynllun iaith, sy'n dweud y dylai'r Gymraeg gael ei thrin yn gyfartal â'r Saesneg, prin y gwelwn hynny'n cael ei weithredu. Anaml y mae'r wybodaeth a'r gwasanaeth sy'n cael ei gynnig i'r myfyrwyr yn ddwyieithog.

Gall sefydlu Undeb Myfyrwyr Cymraeg newid hynny.

Os nad ydym yn galw am wella'r ddarpariaeth ar gyfer myfyrwyr Cymraeg ni fydd y brifysgol yn gweld yr angen am newid. Felly galwch amdano. Mae eisiau, a'i angen 'nawr.

Science & Environment

March 27 2006

Page 15

science@gairrhydd.com

TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS Science takes a look at the, er, science behind the UK drugs trial fiasco

By Mark Norman Science Correspondent

ly related as humans and monkeys.

Also, it is common to test cancer drugs in seriously ill patients. This is particularly relevant in this case, as boosting the immune response (as was the desired effect of this drug) could have been predicted to have severe affects in patients with a fully functioning immune system.

Considering all these points together, it seems that quite a large risk was taken testing this drug in healthy humans.

T

he recent drug trial catastrophe cannot have escaped anyone’s attention in the last ten days, dominating headlines and people’s thoughts.

This is an area that has a great impact on students, as many choose to participate in trials to earn a quick buck. So what went so wrong this time, and should people be put off in the future?

The investigation by the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) is still under way so it is important to stress that no-one knows what happened, and contamination is still a possibility.

However, experts from across the world have developed a likely and scientifically sound scenario. The drug in question, TGN 1412, is a monoclonal antibody, a highly specific protein involved in the immune response.

Such nightmare scenarios are extremely uncommon in human trials

No-one yet knows exactly what happened It is designed to regulate the immune response in patients suffering from immune system-related diseases, such as leukaemia and rheumatoid arthritis, by activating immune system cells called T cells.

Lab trials of the drug showed that it specifically increased regulatory T cells, which control the immune system and prevent it from attacking the person’s own body (as is the case with auto-immune diseases, such as rheumatoid arthritis).

It was also supposed to increase the

DRUGS: bad ability of the body to identify leukaemia cells that must be destroyed.

What seems to have gone wrong is that the drug activated all T cells, including natural killer ones, which actually destroy cells.

Activating all killer T cells would cause destruction of any cell they came

into contact with (as another feature of the drug is that it removes the need for these killer cells to be made specific).

This would result in the total organ failure seen in the desperately unfortunate trial patients.

Ken Campbell, of Leukaemia Research UK, has said this is “the most plausible explanation”.

So could this have been predicted?

Any candidate drug must go through a series of trials, including two in animals, usually mice and monkeys, before they may be tested on humans.

During this process, there were no problems with the drug and it had the desired affect in the animal trials (reports of gland swelling in monkeys are likely to be unrelated to the horrors seen in the human trial).

However, a year ago an article written by Peter Linsley and mentioned on TeGenera’s own website, warns of the dangers of super-activating T cells, especially highlighting the possibility of resulting in indiscriminate killing of cells.

Some also question the reliability of animal testing on antibody therapies such as this, as antibodies are so specific they may have different affects in different animals, even those as close-

SCARY: Not for two grand, thanks

All of this is easy to say with the benefit of hindsight. But there are some definite lessons to be learnt from this nightmare.

Some have used this episode to question using animal testing, but this is not a realistic option.

That would result in more events like this, or just less drugs. Both of these are extremely undesirable.

A possible future venture is to create animals that more closely resemble the inner workings of humans so (no one is proposing to make a half man half rat!) so that tests in animals are more reliable.

It seems likely that greater precautions will be taken before allowing future antibody drugs to be tested, and unlikely that a drug aiming to boost the immune system in this way will be tested again, at least in healthy people.

However, such nightmare scenarios are extremely uncommon, and human trials are absolutely essential in the process of bringing a drug onto the market.

People that volunteer for them not only make a pretty penny, but give millions of patients hope. Hope that incurable diseases will one day be curable.

Trials are vital, and 99.9% are perfectly safe.

All this conjecture may well be proven irrelevant by the investigation finding a source of contamination; regardless, some important questions have been raised.

Health

March 27 2006

Page 17

health@gairrhydd.com

Are you thirsty for life?

Many of us feel that we drink too much, after all, did any of you try giving up booze for lent? Laura Murphy shares her experiences of staying sober in studentville where a drink or two is often the norm

SPIKED

By Laura Murphy Deputy Health Editor

T

here are those who would say that the ‘typical’ student lifestyle lives up to every stereotype in the book.

Missing lectures to watch Phil and Fern discuss the nation’s sex life?

Check. Making your way home from town in the wee small hours in a shopping trolley pushed by your housemate? Check. Drinking yourself into a stupor more than once a term? In my case, put a big fat tick in that box too.

Alcohol is for some reason inextricably linked to studenthood in the collective mind of the nation. The majority of university anecdotes will start with the words ‘Well, we were really, really drunk’ and from then onwards the sky really is the limit. And for the most part, alcohol-enhanced fun is just that - harmless fun, with the exception of the odd ‘liberated’ traffic cone.

But is it possible to enjoy student life without drinking alcohol? After the worst hangover of my life following a friend’s particularly raucous 21st birthday celebration, my housemate gave me a leaflet for the ‘Thirst For Life’ campaign. The campaign is a challenge from a collection of health initiatives and Christian societies for both drinkers and non-drinkers to sign up and pledge not to consume alcohol for 40 days, starting March 1.

In the hazy state where never drinking again seems like a good idea, this hit me as a good excuse to give the booze a miss. When I felt better I started to think a bit harder about what not drinking would mean in terms of my daily life. Would I be able to go out and have as good a time without the aid of a few vodka and Cokes?

The main issue when deciding

By Liz Stauber Health Correspondent

SHOPPING TROLLEY: Cardiff’s alternative student taxi firm whether to cut out the demon drink altogether came when I realised that, after drinking heavily, I was developing a blister-like rash on my shoulders and arms. This was worryingly similar to what an alcohol-intolerant family friend had experienced. After much deliberation, I signed up to the campaign and prepared myself for the next long, J20-filled, 40 days.

The first week was fine, my feelings of smug virtuousness only heightened by deliberately not going into the conveniently scheduled beer festival at the union. However, just like the first few days of a new diet, this was not to last.

The first hurdle came when I went to see an old schoolfriend’s band play in

a local bar. My response of “Diet Coke please,” didn’t cut it when a friend offered to buy me a drink, and from then on in the fact that I was no longer drinking became a kind of joke.

Most people seemed to think it was a strange task to undertake, and I got a lot of questions along the lines of ‘why would you want to do this?’ and ‘I thought you weren’t religious?’ I think it was the point at which I realised I was salivating over the sound of a beer popping on a TV advert that I realised that alcoholic beverages had a bigger hold over me than I thought they had.

However, nearly three weeks on, I have to say that I am feeling some kind

of benefit. No more hangovers, which goes without saying is a major plus point. I’m feeling a lot more energetic, which of course has a knock-on effect on most areas of life. More energy means I need less sleep and can concentrate a lot better. I’m also shocked at the amount of money I have left over every week simply from avoiding alcohol.

At the end of the 40-day period, I will probably go on to drink again, but this experience has shown me that it is possible to have a great time without getting paralytic, and you get to remember a lot more about what went on too. Which is never a bad thing.

DRINK SPIKING can happen anywhere, in a bar, in a club, or even at a private party. Victims are left vulnerable and at risk of sex attacks.

Spiking somebody’s drink is a serious offence and carries a custodial sentence of 10 years if violent intent is proven. The most commonly used drugs to put in somebody’s drink are Rohypnol, GHB or ketamine.

Victims may suffer symptoms that include vomiting, slurred speech, loss of consciousness, poor balance, muscle spasms and breathing difficulties.

Behaviour can also be affected: Inhibitions become lowered and the person may lose control acting in an overly flirtatious way.

Women aged 15 to 30 are the most likely to be targeted. The best advice to follow is to never leave your drink unattended. If you have to go somewhere without it, you should leave it with someone you trust. Do not let a stranger buy you a drink and always watch the bar staff when they are pouring it. If you are dancing, bottles are easier to keep safe, as you can simply put your thumb over the top.

If you think your drink has been spiked, alert a friend or the police as soon as possible, especially if you want to prosecute the attacker, as the drugs do not stay in your system for a long time.

Do you already drink too much? LET YOUR LIVER LIVE

By Liz Stauber Health Correspondent

D

rinking is involved in nearly every celebration or ritual you can think of.

Birthdays, weddings, passing exams; but nobody needs an excuse to drink. It can be as simple as going down to your local on a Saturday afternoon for ‘a few’ with your friends.

More than 90% of the adult population drinks alcohol. Drinking is acceptable in today’s society, and even being drunk can cause amusement to others, as long as you are not sick on their shoes.

Alcohol can relax you, reduce anxiety, even make you feel happier, better about yourself- at least in the short term. It is a legal drug. However, there is a catch. It plays a part in up to 33,000 deaths a year, compared with just 1,500 caused by other drugs.

So to help people keep track of their drinking, alcohol is measured in units.

One unit is equal to half a pint of an average-strength beer (3.5-4 per cent alcohol by volume), or a small (125 ml) glass of wine, or a single standard

UK pub measure of a spirit. The recommended amount per day for men is three to four units and for women it is two to three.

As it is an addictive drug, a tolerance can be built up by the body, so it needs an increased amount each time to gain the desired effect, and withdrawal symptoms can appear. In the short term, the withdrawal symptoms manifest themselves with a hangover, stomach aches, headaches, etc.

Long-term, heavy drinking can directly harm most parts of the body.

In particular, it often leads to heart and liver disease and stomach problems.

As long as it is treated in the right way, alcohol should not be a problem for the majority of people. The best way to enjoy it is by sticking to the recommended daily amount as a rule and having ‘major’ drinking sessions in moderation. The latter, however, is not really to be recommended.

UNITS: The five-a-day plan is not recommended

By Liz Stauber Health Correspondent

M

ANY VICTIMS OF liver disease are not alcoholics, and even moderate social drinkers are at risk from liver damage.

Alcohol is one cause of liver disease, but just one of many, and the risk depends on how much you drink and over how long a period.

Some people are more sensitive to alcohol than others, so there is no such thing as a ‘safe’ amount, although doctors recommend no more than two drinks a day. Even moderate amounts of alcohol can have toxic effects when taken with ‘over the counter’ drugs which contain acetaminophen.

Alcoholic hepatitis is frequently discovered in alcoholics, but can also occur in non-alcoholics. The way a liver can react to alcohol varies from person to person. Alcoholic hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver that lasts one to two weeks. Symptoms include loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain and tenderness, fever, jaundice, and occasionally, mental

confusion. It is believed to lead to alcoholic cirrhosis, a permanent damage to liver cells, over a period of years.

Women appear to be more likely to suffer liver damage through drinking alcohol. Even when a man and woman have the same weight and drink the same amount, the woman generally has a higher concentration of alcohol in the blood as she has more body fat and less water than a man. Her body therefore reacts to the alcohol differently.

LIVER DISEASE: Not fun

Media

March 27 2006

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media@gairrhydd.com

Blogging buddies?

Cyber communication is becomming big business thanks to the popularity of friendship sites such as FriendsReunited and Myspace, Rosanne White gets networking

G

one are the days of pen-pals, those of the notepaper and stamp variety anyway. In fact they went out with the proliferation of and the coming of age of one of the world’s favourite net inventions, messenger services.

However, now there’s a new kid in town, taking cyber communications to a whole new level. With an estimated 60 million users registered to date, myspace.com provides its users with the tools to create detailed personal profiles featuring photos, music, videos and weblogs in addition to a facility aimed at connecting old friends.

Although undoubtably a contribution to the size of the internet, do these sites have an active and useful role to play or are they just another way of wasting time online?

In the name of research, I decided to set up my own profile, it couldn’t be easier. Scrolling through pages of wallpapers and easily uploading some photos is about as difficult as it gets, all that remains is a brief questionnaire about my likes and dislikes and I’m ready for business.

Within a few days, I have several ‘friends’, along with some requests for friendship from other users who have read and commented on my blog. I am suddenly part of an interactive community, conversing accross the world.

After my exposure to myspace comes the acknowledgement of the many other similar websites available, the site hardly corners the market, although the ease with which it can be navigated makes it stand out from the crowd.

Between them, sites such as Bebo, Ringo, Facebook and FriendsReunited have all accumulated millions of users who are flooding the internet with lists of utterly pointless shreds of information (who is really interested in the colour of my socks?) I can’t help thinking that the time spent on the website could be put to better use, such as going out and meeting people.

Aware of this kind of reaction friendship websites such as: Where Are You Now? (WAYN.com) have devised travel information. When a certain destination is typed in, users can access travel advice and recommendations from other travellers.

Belonging to sites like this means that catching up with friends across the

MYSPACE.COM: Not yourspace.com

You say..

“I use FriendsReunited but only because everyone from my school year joined up to keep in touch. I don’t think other sites are a waste of time, but you keep in touch with your friends irrespective of whether you’re online or not.”

Ben Roberts, MA mathmatics ARCTIC MONKEYS: Massive success was partially fuelled by myspace.com globe is as easy as clicking a mouse button, and doesn’t rely upon a costlyphone call, or the time difference.

Although initially a direct and open process of sharing information and meeting new people, interactive friendship sites inevitably raise issues concerning honesty. By defining ourselves with choices of music, video and photographs, my fellow users and I can present ourselves exactly as we want people to see us. Instead of making the effort to get to know someone in person, I have immediate access to people who have the same interests as me and can reject the people I don’t want to speak to. There seems to be something slightly cowardly about hiding the possible truth behind a computer screen.

After a couple of weeks I start to receive some unwanted attention from other users. Although they don’t know where I live I feel invaded and slightly foolish for publishing details about my life for millions of strangers to read.

As with everything on the web, you can never be sure that the people contacting me are who they say they are.

With reports of employers using the site to research prospective employees, I realise that these online communities are incredibly exposed; I’m not sure I like the fact that the people I meet in everyday life can covertly access information about me afterwards.

Inevitably, friendship sites are becoming popular with an increasingly younger audience. Sites such as Bebo.com have reportedly been banned from many school servers due to the number of students using them.

Without supervision, teenagers can publish any level of information and photographs of themselves for their friends to see but as a result are exposed to others who may have a more sinister intent.

On one message board I read, an anxious father describe how his pre-

After a couple of weeks I start to receive some unwanted attention from other users teen daughters presented themselves as sixteen and seventeen in order to ‘explore their sexuality’, therefore attracting the sexual interest of other users, ‘we were terrified,’ he said.

Nonetheless, there is something addictive about websites such as myspace. I connect with people I’ve not seen for years who in turn put me in touch with more old friends. In addition, the website has received a great level of publicity from celebrities that all have their own pages and can be contacted. There is something strangely exciting to have a celebrity feature as one of your friends.

With increased exposure comes notoriety. MySpace was the site that famously launched the Arctic Monkeys into the musical stratosphere and many other, as yet unknown, bands have adopted this gameplan; loading biogs and tracks onto their pages to be accessed potentially by millions. I begin to receive regular bulletins from local bands, detailing upcoming gigs and tour-dates. As one user states: ‘It’s great for music and has the record industry running

scared’. A fact that Verizon Wireless clearly understand, cooperating with myspace in order to set up Calling All Bands a talent-spotting exercise for unsigned acts.

Never far behind, major multinational companies are latching on to the myspace phenomenon, in July last year News Corporation bought myspacefor $580 million . In a recent speech, owner Rupert Murdoch coined the term the ‘myspace generation’ to describe the of millions of 16-34 that are currently registered with the site.

With the reported interest in setting up MySun, linking MySpace with an interactive Sun website, some cynicism must accompany the plans of Murdoch et al, who seek to buy into and profit from the boundless information given freely by all users.

Along with the membership of a friendship site comes the opportunity to ‘acquire communities’, clearly understood by ITV, which purchased FriendsReunited last year for a reported £120 million and in doing so, bought into a community of 12,000,000.

Along with finding friends, a registered user can use the site as a dating service, find old work colleagues, new jobs, or trace their family tree through the novelty that is GenesReunited.

After a couple of weeks, I decide to delete my profile on myspace.

Although at first there is something empowering about being able to express myself to millions of other people, I begin to realise that I am just another face in that sea of millions. As examples of technological and business expertise, sites such as MySpace and FriendsReunited are admirable, offering, as one user puts it, a: ‘kind of group integration and communication as the way forward for the internet’.

But as a way of creating and maintaining communities of friends, the process will continue to remain artificial and ultimately unfulfilling. There is a long way to go before society functions via the internet alone.

“Although a lot of people use them, I think these sites are a waste of time. I might use FriendsReunited in the future though, but it’s not something I’d do right this second.”

Hayley Murray, second year politics

“I’m not really into the friends online thing as I think you keep in touch with friends by other means.”

Lames Lawson, fourth year law and French “Some sites are really good, especially the ones that help you keep in touch with people that you meet travelling. I use them to keep in contact with people back home and friends that have moved away.”

Jodie Watts, second year sociology

grab!

Page 20

March 27 2006

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Dot are a mobile network with the likes of skint students in mind. The network not only prides itself on being fantastic value for money, it offers an amazing transparent pricing structure designed specifically for penny-savers.

Dot also doesn’t dish out discrete numbers of text and picture messages, or minutes of calling time. Instead, it works to bundles of ‘units’, meaning you can choose to have as much free stuff as you like and take it all out of the same pot.

Monthly bundles start at £20 and with the service running from the Vodafone network, Dot customers are guaranteed brilliant coverage. Handsets are also available for as little as nothing, so what are you waiting for? To sign up to the Dot service, speak to the Dot sales team on campus or go straight to the website,

www.dot-mobile.co.uk.

To win one of our six Dot goody bags, just email us with the answer to the question below: What can Dot offer you that no other network can?

call 029 2023 3271 or log on to www.ParkLifestyle.com.

Park Lifestyle have teamed up with gair rhydd to offer one lucky reader the chance to win a full makeover. For your chance to win, simply email us at the address at the top of the page.

Park Lifestyle are also giving a huge 25% off all hair treatments and FREE consultations until the end of March.

Just take a copy of this page with you when you visit the salon.

quench.gairrhydd.com

A) Pauline Fowler B) Bundles of ‘units’ C) A packet of crisps

LADIES, WE’VE worked hard all term, so why not treat ourselves to a bit of professional pampering - or maybe a fancy new ‘do’?

Park Lifestyle is a contemporary health, hair and beauty salon boasting an extensive range of luxury treatments at competitive prices. What’s more, it’s situated just down the road - so now there really is no excuse for looking rough.

The guys at the salon offer packages to suit any budget - student or not - but luckily for us, they’ll give us a further 10% discount with a flash of the old NUS. Now exams are looming near and student loans are starting to run out, a trip down to Park Lifestyle is the ultimate pick-me-up.

Whether you’re up for a speedy spray tan for that special night, a glitzy makeover for the ball, or just a relaxing afternoon, the team of stylists and beauty therapists will take care of your every need - and throw in a glass of wine!

Park Lifestyle even have an area for holistic treatments and offer chiropody and podiatry for those with aches and pains. And if you’re feeling particularly mingin’, they’ll give you the whole works there’s even the famous ‘lunch-hour face-lift’ on offer at this gaff.

If you’d like a chance to be pampered and pruned, head down to Park Lifestyle, located on Park Grove, off Museum Place. For more information and to book,

Because we can. Be the first to read Quench. Online.

DOT, THE cheap mobile phone network gurus, have come up trumps again, offering you kids out there the chance to win goody bags full of fun and games.

The little bundles of joy contain all sorts of useful bits and pieces - from T-shirts to umbrellas to condoms, you’ll find everything you need to equip you for university life.

MINGERS WANTED

Quench Online > Arts > Bastian Springs > Blind Date > Books > Cult Classics > Debate > Digital > Fashion > Features > Film > Food > Gay > Going Out > Interviews > Mr Chuffy > Music > One Trick Pony > Reviews > Travel > Tunnel Vision

Going Dotty

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

grab!

March 27 2006

Page 21

competitions@gairrhydd.com

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

The Panther is back WHAT WITH the release of the new Pink Panther film, we’ve got all nostalgic for our pink cartoon friend.

Although many of you will be pleased to hear that Beyonce will be butt-shaking in the new film hitting our screens, we’re pining for dear Pinkie in the original.

So, how very fitting that we’ve gone all retro and laid our hands on a copy of the original classic, now out on DVD. The Return of the Pink Panther follows the story of The Pink Panther - the world's largest and most famous diamond – as it is swiped from its resting place at the Lugash National Museum. The recovery of this precious gem is a matter of international importance, and who better to take on the case than the man who tracked it down the last time - Inspector Jacques Clouseau, played by the comic Peter Sellers.

Everyone is convinced that the culprit is master jewel thief Sir Charles Litton (Christopher Plummer), a ka the Phantom.

Everyone, that is, except the Phantom himself. He’s the only one who knows for sure that he didn't do it and is determined to clear his name.

With the aid of a big fake nose, a false beard, an exploding toilet, an out-of-control vacuum cleaner, a pool-man suit and the ever-loyal Cato, Clouseau manages to create mayhem in every European city he visits.

With brilliant performances all round, Henry Mancini’s classic theme tune, and of course, those celebrated animated opening and closing titles, never has a return been more welcome.

For your chance to win a copy of the DVD, email us at the usual address, with the answer to this question: Which bootylicious singer is starring in the remake of the classic film, The Pink Panther?

A) Mariah Carey B) Kylie Minogue C) Beyonce Knowles

Get your skates on WHILE 18 years pretty much spans the duration of our existence on this planet, it marks the longevity of just one of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s hit musicals, Starlight Express.

Simply light years ahead of the rest, Starlight Express is a feel-good musical that has been performed by dazzling casts in the West End for 18 years.

Widely known as ‘the fastest musical on earth’, this would be because the entire show is performed on skates. Pretty cool, if you ask us. In fact, we wouldn’t mind having a go ourselves..

So you’ll be pleased to know that, as of next month, the award-winning show will be rolling into Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay, for 18 days only.

If you haven’t yet been to the venue, then now’s the time to do it. If the theatre itself doesn’t inspire you, or the beautiful surroundings of the bay at night, then surely the funky, futuristic cast of Starlight Express will.

To celebrate the hit musical coming to Cardiff, gair rhydd have teamed up with WMC to give one lucky reader the chance to win 2 tickets to see the show on Thursday 27 April. For your chance to win, simply email us with your full name and address, and the answer to the following question: Who wrote the musical, Starlight Express?

Starlight Express will be appearing at Wales Millennium Centre between Tuesday 11 and Saturday 29 April 2006. To book tickets simply contact the Ticket and Information Office on 08700 40 2000 or visit the website at www.wmc.org.uk.

About the show Starlight Express is a futuristic tale of the triumph of love and hope in the face of adversity and a feelgood musical with something for everyone. Including over 20 of Andrew Lloyd Webber's greatest songs and all the thrills and spills of roller-racing action, Starlight Express brings audiences a performance with speed, spectacle and turbocharged excitement.

Seriously fun hair EVER FEEL like fashion takes itself too seriously? Tired of worrying about the ‘new black’ and just wanna have some fun? If you fancy perfecting the hairstyles of Jen Aniston or Gavin Henson on your own mops, why not try Play Ball? A new range of seriously fun hair products brought to you by L’Oreal Professionnel.

Play Ball stands out from the crowd with a mix of fun packaging, gorgeous touchy-feely textures and totally delicious smells. In addition to Deviation Paste, a deconstructing putty perfect for men’s hair, L’Oreal Professionnel are launching Motion Gelee for short and messy wet hair, and Beach Paste - the ultimate product to give you sexy surfer-style locks.

Whether you’ve got long hair, short hair, thick hair or thin hair,

the range promises to provide a solution for you.

To celebrate the launch of Play Ball, L’Oreal Professionnel are hitting Cardiff University on Thursday March 30 for the Play Ball roadshow event.

If you fancy getting your mitts on a tub of Play Ball, you’ll need to head down to Talybont Social where the guys at L’Oreal are not only giving away over 300 Play Ball products, they’re offering you the chance to win a free cut and colour courtesy of a top stylist at their Regis hair salon.

There’ll also be the chance to get your hair styled for free on the night by a L’Oreal Professionnel stylist, plus drinks, an open mic (TBC) and a funky DJ. If you can’t make the event then don’t fret - the Play Ball team will

also be visiting the following venues, where they’ll be offering more prize give-aways: Talybont Social, March 27, 8pm Uni Hall, March 28, 8pm The Woodville, March 29, 7.30pm You can also enter to win £200 worth of vouchers for USC when you log on to www.iplayball.co.uk and receive 25% discount off Play Ball products (see the website for a list of participating salons).

And as if all this isn’t enough, we lovely ladies at competitions have managed to get our hands on 10 tubs of each of the Play Ball products. If you’d like to be one of our 30 lucky winners, simply email us at the usual address, stating the name of the product you’d like to win.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: The L’Oreal Professionnel roadshow event on Thursday March 30 is open to residents of Talybont and their guests only. No purchase is necessary at any of the Play Ball events.

AND THE WINNERS ARE... We’ve been so busy dishing out prizes the past few weeks, we’ve neglected to list the lucky winners’ names on our fair page. Knowing what a prestiguous place it is to be, we thought we’d better tap them in. Congratulations to ANNA DAVIES, KAT HARMER, MATT TODD and SAPRA KHAN, who all got the chance to ogle Clive Owen at the Inside Man premiere (well, perhaps not Matt). Well done also to CHRIS BRETT and friends, who had a highly energetic and adventurous weekend at the Outdoor Show in Birmingham. Look out for the remaining winning names, to be published in the first issue of next semester.

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Problem Page

Page 22

March 27 2006

problempage@gairrhydd.com

Amber Duval DISPENSER OF FILTH AND / OR LIFE ADVICE

This week: the final finger of the saucy saga that is Vested Interests...

Hello, girls, boys and in-betweeners!

With a tear in my lady-eye, I have to tell you that this week sees the end of the highly sucessful erotic fiction series of Vested Interests. I know you’ll be upset, but the ending is a cracker. And don’t worry; when you all get back from playing with the Easter bunny, then I’ll give you a dose of some more erotica. I love erotic fiction, not least because it’s all true! Anyway, if you have an intimate problem over the hols, remember I’m always here with smart advice. Email: problempage@gairrhydd.com, but please remember that if you use bad grammar then I will come and kill you.

Lots of love from Amber - here for you! xxx

Proper Brown!

Dear Amber, THE DAY HAD begun as a case of the morning after the night before.

My night in Jaks had comprised of cat's piss beer, pulling a suspected pikey tranny, and spending the overwhelming majority of the night hovering above a sick-ridden toilet whilst attempting to shit a rice pudding/custard material

through the eye of a needle. The smell was worse than my neverbefore-washed GAP hoody.

The Talybont trolley trip home was interrupted only by what appeared to be Mr Potato Head butt-naked on his car, singing Flower of Scotland. I passed out around at three o’clock.

Mid morning: my sight is blurred and my door wide open. And yes, like all men, I am sporting a fat chubb. The flat door creaked open and a hunched figure inched past

Semi-Colon!

Dear Amber,

I HAVE A SMALL problem which does not threaten to take over my life but is annoying all the same.

I am addicted to the library; that’s the long and the short of it. I spend days there a week, and I somehow can’t find it in my heart to stop. It’s not that I’m particularly studious or really like reading; what I like are the books themselves. I like to go to the library in the evening or in the early morning, when it’s really quiet, then I go to the top floor and find a desk right at the end of the room, where no one’s around and you can’t really see me. Then I’ll get a big pile of books, the older the better, and the fun begins.

I like books that are old and smell bad, with pages falling out and yellowing paper - fortunately, our libraries have loads like that. I like ones with broken spines that feel slightly damp to the touch - oh, mercy, I have a hard-on just writing this!

I like to sit with my back to everything and place smelly books over my groin, then have a little tamper while no one’s looking. (Word of advice - if you ever take a book out of the library with pages stuck together or ‘Tipp-ex’ on them, then I’d put it back and look for a newer edition, and wash your hands.)

I know it’s horrid, Amber. I know other people need to use the resources too. I just can’t help myself.

Any suggestions?

Love from I Read, Cathays.

AMBER SAYS: Dear I, Well, you say you don’t read and whatever, but what a lovely letter you’ve sent me! All the spelling is correct, an you have used grammar efficiently and correctly; why, you’ve even used a semi-colon!

And what wonderful descriptions: I can see and smell those books now. You just go to prove what has been long known: reading does indeed make you clever. As for the wanking, well, I dunno.

Good luck to you, I guess.

Love from Amber xxx

my doorway. With a Hoover in one hand and a Jay cloth in the other she glanced, if only for a second, right at me. Her coathanger glasses tinted, and her sticky lips opened up. She was my chewbaccu (sic), I was her Luke Skywalker. My light sabre was glowing purple and she was ready for the force to be in her. Next door I could hear my Indian housemate fingering his bum over Goodness Gracious Me; at 35 you would have thought he’d grown up! And in the distance I

Nuts!

Dear Amber, RECENTLY, I HAVE been plagued by a terrible guilt which gnaws its way through me like Jade Goody eating liquorice. I feel like I can never get my life back after the events that have left me in a morose and anxious state.

It all happened last week, when I was in the new Tesco Express on Salisbury Road (yes, I know I'm evil, I DO support local shops etc., now please stop going on about it). There were very few people there; a few students, one or two people on lunch breaks from work (I guessed this as they were old, wearing smart clothes

Vested Interests EROTIC FICTION - PART #4

Cut out and keep!

LIBRARIES: Fnnarr!

WHAT HAS THE Parson been getting up to this week? We left Lucy bent over the font, last week, with the filthy Parson dripping his wax everywhere as she was christened. Now it’s time for the exciting dénouement!

Lucy moved from the font and wiped her legs with the back of her hand. “I feel so wonderful now I have been fully christened!” she said with glee. The Parson stood up and brushed the tell-tale white blobs off his smock. “Yes Lucy, may the Lord be with you!”

“And also with you,” she said, and smiled. “Thanks, Parson.”

could hear what can only be described as badger-fucking. But not even my gripping books could deter me from my feelings for the crippled cleaner. If only she would suck my cock with her Hoover lips and perch on my face with her unkempt haven. But it wasn’t to be… and now… two years on I still cannot forget Jac-qui domesti. If you’re reading this Jac-qui, know that this ship has sailed and I am now settling down with Toy Mic Trevor’s grandson. I pose only one

more question, a question that I ask myself every passing second of every day... oh what for you?

Harry Champion

and grabbing sandwiches as if they only had one minute to live. I should be studying Detective-ing BA).

Anyway, I only needed a few bits, so I was trying to be quick, when I decided that I would like a magazine to read when I got home as my coursework is piling up and I need a distraction technique. So I looked at Empire, but it was all about films I don't like, looked at NME, but it was full of bands who'll die on their arses in two months' time, and then, in desperation, I looked at Q, but as I suspected, it was full of articles about U2.

Anyway, this was when the incident happened. As I was deciding which poor journal to buy, my hand slipped and I touched a copy of Nuts.

Oh god, Amber, the shame! I am not a rapist, nor am I training to be one; I've

never read Nuts or Zoo before in my life, I promise, and if I want porn I download it; I don't look at scantilyclad, airbrushed scallies then go and sexually assault someone - in short, I would not read Nuts in reality if it were pinned to my eyes which were being held open by clamps.

I am soiled from my experience; I don't want to turn into a chav who says things like 'can I put my yoghurtpistol into your hairy purse' to my mother. Please help!

Love from Mick, Roath.

“Don’t thank me; thank the Lord,” he said, and looked heavenward, though he was actually looking at the copy of Razzle he’d left hidden behind the hymn board.

“Is it home-time now?” asked Lucy, beginning to open the church door.

“Yes, Lucy. You’ve been so good today, sorting out the robes and everything.”

“Oh, thanks. I like helping,” she said.

“There is one final thing...” The Parson moved towards her and pulled the door shut. “You need to change your smock; that one’s all dusty.”

“Oh... OK, I’ll just do it here... don’t look, Parson!”

“Of course not,” he said, covering his eyes with his hands but leaving a little gap. He watched as

she removed the smock; she was naked underneath apart from small white knickers. Her breasts were like lovely breasts, and as she turned round the Parson saw her lovely tight bum, and he began to spontaneously ejaculate, his member charged. Lucy put on a new, clean smock and said “Ready now!”

“Right-o,” said the Parson. “Hop in the car.” They left the church.

“OK. What do you reckon Mum’s made for tea tonight, Parson?” asked Lucy.

“I don’t know, Lucy. And do remember that you can call me ‘dad’ when we’re outside church.”

“Sorry, Dad,” laughed Lucy. “You are the best dad in the world!”

AMBER SAYS: Dear Harry, I have no idea what you're going on about, and by the way, Hoover is a coined word from the product, therefore should be capitalised, as should Indian, as it's a proper noun, you cunt. Please only send me proofed work in the future. X

AMBER SAYS: Dear Mick, All you need to do to alleviate the guilt is to work for three weekends in a fish finger factory; that’ll put you off your mother.Love from Amber xxx

© Amber Duval 2006

Need help? Email Amber: problempage@gairrhydd.com

Award-Winning Television

March 27 - April 2nd 2006

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tvbarry@mysteryguest.com

This Weeks UK Living among the Living Dead: March 27th-April 2nd

Deathster Rantzen

Batty Old Dear Swaps That’s Life For a Good Death

HOT

D o u b l e Decker Theft TV Gareth stole approximately seventeen of these from a surprise hamper in the office earlier today. I didn’t realise you could still buy these, unless they’re all six years out of date, in which case we’ll all be writing TV Desk from hospital beds.

Soaps There’s usually some killing spree going on in Walford, and this week is no exception. Johnny Allen who has “gangland murder” written all over him, might be getting his marching orders this week.

Presumably it’s contract negotiation time for Billy Murray who plays Johnny. I’m guessing his inordinately shite character has run it’s time. But then whats his face Alfie’s cousin Moon is due a visit from the grim reaper soon, so maybe it’s him who’s going to take ‘a trip to Manchester’. The Mitchells are at the thick of things as usual, and many Shallow Grave style meanderings and Blair Witch chase scenes are going to be used to scare the shit out of us.

Incidentally, how do they do deaths on The Archers? Anyone know?

Email tv@gairrhydd.com with the subject title “I’m boring” thanks.

How to Have a Good Death (BBC2, Thurs, 9pm) is up there with I Love Being HIV, Don’t Panic, I’m Islamic, and any doc from Ch4’s Bodyshocks series in the renaissance TV is currently going through in masking fairly ho-hum programmes with big dumb tabloid red-letter titles. The premise of How to Have a Good Death is thus: Esther Rantzen the former presenter of That’s Life, and who’s getting on a bit anyway, hangs out for a period with people on the cusp of death and talks to them extensively about how they’re all going to die. Literally, that’s it. I believe there is a point to all these morbid shenanigans, in the form of a high-brow assessments as to whether palliative care can be new and improved, without us having to spend weeks on end in hospital and our final words being “can you put Deal or No Deal back on?” or “This spaghetti tastes like a big turd”. Which I’m all for. A relative of mine died recently, and spent several weeks of tedium and/or agony in a hospital in Portsmouth, which didn’t look like much fun.

Personally, if I found that death was on the cards, I wouldn’t want to spend weeks staring at a hospital ceiling, but then I wouldn’t want to spent it either a> surrounded by the sorted nice-boy pleasantries that seem to be the order of the day so far as these ‘new and improved’ deathdealing issues are con-

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cerned, or b> surrounded by Esther Rantzen discussing my impending doom. Urgh.

On the subject of death though, it’s come to my attention the volume of morbidity littering the listings this week. It’s like a graveyard: Not only is Alive! on, but The Ghost (BBC1 Friday 11.35pm) Stairlift to Heaven (Ch4 Thursday 9pm) which I’m assuming stars Thora Hird, and a film on called Nobody Runs Forever (BBC2 Thursday 1.20pm), not even Lassie. Woof. Not only these, but there’s also: The Last Word

(Morefour Monday 10.55pm), Just Shoot Me (Ch4 Monday 8am) with Dick Cheney, Without a Trace (Ch4 Friday 11.10pm) Honey We’re Killing the Kids (BBC3 Thursday 9pm),The Ghost Squad (Ch4 Wednesday 12.10am) and on BBC2 Wales, Five Days... in Aberdare (Thursday 8.45pm), which is actually worse than death.

Moving away from the rather grizzly subject of our ultimate destiny, there are quite a few reasons this week to be cheerful, and I’m not talking about the shit-sounding short film Reasons to Be Cheerful (Ch4 Thursday 3.20am) which is some nerd film about a man and a robot. The Simpsons (Ch4 Thursday 6pm) is an all-time classic, it’s the one which parodies Alfred Hitchcock’s inonic Rear Window, and features some neat Busby Berkely dance routines in a travelling swimming pool. Brilliant.

And it’s not about death before you say anything, because he only breaks his leg, and no-one dies.

One last show with sinister appeal this week, and that’s Question Time (BBC1 Thursday 11.05) which is in Russia this week, and carries the unlikely boast of having very very dull chess player Gary Kasparov on the panel. Is the phrase “The BBC can’t think of any famous Russians” springing to mind? But you can see the poor guy die a small death onstage. Mwah ha ha!

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Given Hollywood’s complete obsession with death, it’s not hard to pick a DVD where kicking the bucket is a central theme. Just look at the Best Picture nominees: Crash (about a car crash) Capote (author who makes friends with prisoners on Death Row) Good Night, and Good Luck (newsreader tops himself) Munich (killing people after a massacre has already happened) Brokeback Mountain (not a lot of life in that one).

Whilst Saw 2 isn’t in any position to challenge any of the above in critic’s circles, it does revolve heavily around the subject of popping one’s clogs. In a variety of highly implausible bordering on ridiculous ways. A bit like a cross between Silence of the Lambs and The Crystal Maze, the premise of Saw 2 involves a group of people in their house tear-

ing out their own eyeballs and cutting off their fingers in the vain hope they might escape with their life.

Only it’s all a big game created by a sadistic Jeremy Beadle type called The Jigsaw Killer. All the fun of the fair, the real game is guessing who’s gonna get the grimiest death. Mark Wahlberg’s brother Donnie stars.

NOT

“Lesbians” Not actual lesbians, I’ve got no particular qualms with them.

But groups of rancid young tramps ‘lezzing’ up for the explicit purpose of tantalising boys in clubs. A quartet of said trollops attempted to impress me with their antics in a club last night.

Too bad I’m gay, eh “ladies”?

Film In keeping with this week’s life and death but more particularly, death. We’ve got Alive! (five , Wednesday 9pm), which is a beautiful and moving biopic starring Ethan Hawke, about a group of air crash disaster victims who end up having to eat each other in order to achieve the life status featured in the title.

Sport Good news for all your slogansticker owning Tony Hawkes playing land-extremists. Rather than let it vanquish in the early hours of Saturday morning like Ch4 do, five (friday 7.30pm) has secured the rights to The X Games. So if you want to watch pillocks called Jackson Swank catching some wicked air and roaming around on a plank on wheels, tune in.

Radio Sadly there isn’t an afternoon play performance of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman to keep the theme running. Instead, Radio 4 have a documentary called Life After Rover (Monday 11pm).

Sadly not about a grieving petowner’s struggle to regain their happiness after their dog croaked out his last woof, this is a *cough* BORING epic documentary about the community of Longbridge, where an epidemic of Middle Class Redundancy Pox broke out in 2005 after some car plant or other closed. Since I was also made redundant around the same time, I found it difficult to care about this. Maybe now’s the time I pay these literally poor souls some sympathy.

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8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Creature Clinic 9:30pm The Real Hustle 10:00pm Dog Borstal 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Little Britain 12:00am Snuff Box 12:30am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps1:00pm Dog Borstal 1:55pm Paparazzi 2:55am Spendaholics 3:50am Honey We're Killing the Kids Tonight in the office has been particularly fun my public. Due to our Domino’s Pizza vouchers running out we called upon Pizza Hut and it tasted like actual pizza, as opposed to the normal RUBBISH we get. We aren’t allowed to delete the Domino’s sponsorship we have running down the side there <---------, but apparently it is okay for me to write “Pizza Hut is a million times nicer than Domino’s” and I’ll just say “Cunt” here aswell while I can. So yeah, fun times.

TV Ellen is settling in nicely and TV Janey turned up a little bit tipsy, leaving us unsure if her ruddy cheeks were due to wind or Red Wine. TV John is as always delighting us with abuse

8:00pm The Sky at Night 8:30pm The Sky at Night 9:00pm The World 9:30pm The Flight of the Shah: Days That Shook the World 10:00pm A for Andromeda 11:30pm Under the Spotlight 12:10am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe 12:40am TenCommandments 1:40pm Fantasy Sixties 2:20am A for Andromeda 3:50am Under theSpotlight 4:30am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe and mix tapes. TV Grace said she was leaving at 8 but is still here because she doesn’t want to do an essay and I’ve been spreading a little joy by redistributing my Double Decker haul. I feel a little sick. We’re still after a new TV Ed aswell kids, ‘cause TV Grace is fucking off (Hallelujah).

Basically, if you’re reading this it’s inevitable you’ll end up as a TV Ed so stop resisiting it. Every year the sole TV Desk fan ends up joining the team. It used to be me, then it was Ellen so y’know, come aboard. In other time saving news party at TV Gareth’s house tomorrow. Which by the time you’re reading this will have been three days or so

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30am Transformers Energon 9:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale11:25am Emmerdale 11:55am Sally Jessy Raphael 12:40pm Judge Judy 1:30am TheJeremy Kyle Show 2:30pm Coronation Street 3:00pm Emmerdale 3:30pm Emmerdale 4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:50pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 6:35pm Judge Judy 7:50pm Ask a Silly Question 8:00pm Married with Children 8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Coronation Street Special: Corrie Controversies 9:30pm Airline USA 10:00pm New Homes from Hell 11:00pm Bill &#38; Ted's Excellent Adventure 12:50am Coronation Street 1:20pm Coronation Street 1:50pm The Ricki Lake Show 2:35am Dare 5:00am Teleshopping y’know you’ve missed out to be honest.

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Upwith... Spike Lee 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00am Higher or Lower 2:00pm Pink's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:35pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11:00pm Nine Months 1:00pm Gorillaz: Live in Manchester 2:10am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 3:00am Queer as Folk 4:00am The OC 4:40am Switched Up! 5:05am Switched Up! 5:25am Switched 5:50am Fool Around... with Spencer from Big Brother This is low. And it puts the fear of God in me that soon enough it will come to be my turn. Well, TV John would be before me.

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1:05pm The Mafia 2:05am NASCAR NEXTEL Cup: Food City 500 2:55am USPGA Golf 3:45am Boxing Classic 4:30am NBA Action 4:55am Motorsport Mundial 5:20am Football ArgentinaChuggachuggachuggac hugga,Chuggachuggachuggachug ga.

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7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am Will and Grace 10:20am Frasier 10:45am Frasier 11:15am Miss Match 12:10pm Without a Trace 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am 3 MinuteWonder: The Bench 1:35am ER 2:25pm The Children's Hour 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm Dispatches 10:00pm Tony Robinson: Me and My Mum 11:00pm ER 12:05am Green Wing The series 1 box set makes up part of my Easter survival kit that shall shortly be purchased from amazon. If you have any suggestions of good books or dvds i should buy then lemme know on tv@gairrhydd.com. Please don’t assume this suggestion of squandering money means I’m rich. I’m not, I’m just genrally thrifty. 1:10pm Ghost Squad2:10am In Too Deep 3:45am Black and White 5:20am Wild Things 6:10am Countdown 6:55am Animated Tales of the World That leaves them quite a bit of lee-way to show pretty much any non-space themed cartoon. Just overheard TV John irately screaming “Every fucking time I ‘ve ever watched Sesame Street Big Bird’s been Roller Skating, he really pisses me off”. My Latest Novel are onstage at 10.20, I want to be there in plenty of time ‘cause the support are good and because...well I’m at that point of stagnation. We’ve just had Sum 41 on the mix.

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7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pm The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 5:00pm Atomic Betty 5:10pm Bernard 5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens 6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITVEvening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm Wales This Week 9:30pm Coronation Street 10:00pm The Commander 11:30pm ITV News 12:00am Supernatural 1:00pm Champions League Weekly 1:30pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald 1:55pm Quizmania 4:15am Have I Been Here Before? 4:40am House Price Challenge 5:10am I Want That House 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV EarlyMorning News

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8:05am CBBC:Friends International 8:10am The Cramp Twins 8:20am The Cramp Twins 8:30am SMart 8:55am Newsround 9:00am Blue Peter Flies the World 9:30am CBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebies Birthdays: Big Cook Little Cook 10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50am Tweenies 11:15am Something Special 11:30am BBC Primary Geography 11:40am Razzledazzle 12:00pm Look and Read 12:20pm Look and Read 12:40pm Look and Read 1:00am The Daily Politics 1:30am Working Lunch 2:00pm Maths Challenge 2:15pm Maths Challenge 2:35pm Meteorites!

4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:30pm Escape to the Country 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm The Schools Lottery 9:00pm Elephants of Samburu 9:30pm University Challenge 10:00pm Never Mind the Buzzcocks Anyone else see Simon Amstell on this last week? Anyone else seriously consider going gay just for his beautiful face? Oh the jokes we would have. In bed.

Together.

10:30pm Man Stroke Woman 11:00pm The Office 11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am On Show 12:30am Bye Bye Nine-to-Five 1:00pm Gypsy Wars 2:00am BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Make German Your Business 1 and 2 4:00am Working with the Germans 4:30am Eurografters: Germany 5:00am Deutsch Plus 2 6:00am Cityscapes

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Although, Grace has been disturbingly nice to me today, praising both my Tunnel Visions (wrongly) and my belt. So in return I shall say...she always smells really nice. Thumbs Up for the TV Family. 5:30pm Grange Hill 5:55pm Blue Peter 6:20pm Newsround Extra 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Open All Hours 8:30pm Real Story with Fiona Bruce 9:00pm EastEnders 9:30pm Girl Cops They’d be rubbish to be honest, wouldn’t they girls?

10:00pm Dalziel and Pascoe 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Comedy Connections 12:15am Film 2006 with Jonathan Ross 12:45am Running Scared 2:35am Sign Zone:Life on Mars 3:35am Sign Zone:Antiques Roadshow 4:25am Sign Zone:Accidents Can Happen 5:10am Joins BBC News 24

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7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am Grudge Match 10:00am Water Stories 10:10am Schools:Adopt Me - I'm a Teenager 11:00am Schools:Bricking It 11:45am Schools:Bricking It 12:35pm Schools:Tricky Business 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Planed Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45am Planed Plant Bach:Gel a FFion 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Rala Rwdins 2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 3:25pm Deal or No Deal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant (4.00 5.00):Medabots 5:25pm Stamina 5:50pm Ffeil 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Rownd a Rownd 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Ffermio 10:00pm Cefn Gwlad 10:30pm Sgorio 11:35pm Y Clwb Rygbi 12:05am Tony Robinson: Me and My Mum 1:05pm Invasion 2:05am Dispatches

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7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Anjelica Huston 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00am Higher or Lower 2:00pm Wigwam's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:35pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm The OC 11:00pm Wife Swap 12:00am No Angels 1:10pm The OC 2:00am Wife Swap 3:05am The OC 3:50am Point Pleasant 4:35am Line of Fire 5:15am Switched Up! 5:40am Switched Up! 6:00am Fool Around... with Catalina Guirado Tom as the only remaining people in the office. Oh no, Tom just left and Elaine’s put her coat on. So that leaves me...alone. TV Desk, alone.

Because I care that much.

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am 3 Minute Wonder: Time for School 10:05am Schools:The Market 12:30pm Schools: Rewriting History 12:35pm Campyfan 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Planed Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45am Planed Plant Bach:Tomos A'i Ffrindiau 1:50am Planed Plant Bach:Sali Mali 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Pei Pwmpen 2:15pm Supporting Acts 2:30pm Supernanny US 3:25pm Deal or No Deal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant:Sion Neu Sian 5:15pm Planed Plant:Ofn O'r Oes a Fu 5:30pm Planed Plant:Campyfan 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Friends 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Taro 9 10:00pm David Lloyd George 11:00pm Wynebau Newydd: Tom 11:30pm ER 12:30am Adopt-a-Grandad 1:30pm Fat Pets 2:35am Frasier

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7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 9:00am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am Will and Grace 10:20am Frasier 10:50am Frasier 11:15am Miss Match 12:10pm Without a Trace 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Designers Under Pressure 1:45am ER 2:35pm Madame X 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show It would seem this bollocks is on both ITV and C4 this week as ITV do the same thing as they initially did when they lost Trisha. That is try to convince themselves that one of their biggest stars hasn’t jumped ship by simply replaying old episodes.

Could be worse for them though, they could have commissioned a second series of The Richard Hammond Show. Luckily C4 where pretty switched onto this and so strategically changed the title of O’Grady’s show by adding the word ‘New’. Genius.

What are they gonna do when it isn’t new anymore?

Screwed.

7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm You Are What You Eat 9:30pm It's Me or the Dog 10:00pm Adopt-a-Grandad 11:00pm No Angels 12:05am Green Wing 1:15pm 888.com Poker Nations Cup 2:45am Kidnap Ronnie Biggs 4:45am Foetus Snatcher 5:45am Wild Things they inevitably make my heart sing.

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7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30am Transformers Energon 9:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 2:30pm Airline 3:00pm Coronation Street 3:30pm Emmerdale 4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:50pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 6:35pm Judge Judy 7:50pm Movies Now 8:00pm Married with Children 8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Surface 10:00pm There's Something about Mary 12:15am Harry Hill's TV Burp 12:45am There's Something about Mary 3:05am Orange Playlist 3:25am Dare 5:00am Teleshopping forthcoming zombie attack. Those who we potentially entrusted to look after our student media have now gone to the pub to get horribly drunk which has left myself, Elaine and

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8:00pm Counter Culture 8:30pm Counter Culture 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Thoroughly Modern Antiques 10:00pm Bus 174 11:50pm Under the Spotlight 12:30am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe 1:00pm Ten Commandments 2:00am Thoroughly Modern Antiques 2:30am Counter Culture 3:00am Counter Culture 3:30am Under the Spotlight 4:10am Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe 4:40am Thoroughly Modern Antiques The gair rhydd office is quite literally HANGING on TENTERHOOKS, as the election results are announced...slowly. TV Desk will bring you the stories really quite late all things considered, but if this was a live feed my finger would be so on the pulse it would pretty much BE THE PULSE. So, we’ve just heard the announcement of the results of gair rhydd editor and Perri has emerged victorious. Nevermind that, in the ensuing melee of hugs and tears I managed to nab myself another 6 Double Deckers, further cementing my position as ‘alive’ in any

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7:00am GMTV Newshour Right guys, it would appear that all today’s listings are an hour out of sync. An hour late sort of thing. I would change it but I don’t know how to with minimum effort and if I did change it it might be seen as a bit patronising ‘cause I’m sure you brainiacs are capable of working it out for yourself. Interestingly I think it may be due to the fact that the clocks went forward last weekend didn’t they? Didn’t they? 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pm The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 5:05pm Prove It 5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens 6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Champions League Live 10:45pm Take My Mother-in-Law 11:30pm ITV News 12:00am Champions League Highlights 1:05pm Quizmania So next year the Quench/gair rhydd editorial team is going to be all female. All the news eds are gonna be gu-rls and most of TV Desk will be. At the moment it looks like myself, Ridler and Menon may be the only boys. And we are boys not men. It is going to be all pyjama parties and talking about kittens. So long as we can still use the word ‘cunt’ all will be well. 5:00am Mum's on Strike 5:35am I Want That House Revisited 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News

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8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Mindfield 10:00pm Little Britain 10:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Ideal 12:00am Touch Me, I'm Karen Taylor 12:30am The Smoking Room 1:00pm Twisted Tales 1:30pm Stick Thin in India 2:25am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 2:55am Ideal 3:25am Touch Me, I'm Karen Taylor Yo TV fans, BBC3 is of course the home of TV’s self obsessed ramblings so I’ll let you know how I am. Good actually. Recently I seem to have turned against all my principles and developed somewhat of a social life, and made some friends and everything. Exciting times. Tonight I am very excited about My Latest Novel playing at Welsh Club because they have released the best new album I have heard in probably a year. What’s more is they are British (read Scottish).

So yeh, I have to wrap things up here swiftly this eve so I can sneak out of the office.3:55am Spendaholics

8:05am CBBC:Friends International 8:10am The Cramp Twins 8:20am The Cramp Twins 8:30am SMart 8:55am Newsround 9:00am Blue Peter Flies the World 9:30am CBeebies: Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50am Tweenies 11:15am Something Special 11:30am Around Scotland 11:50am Razzledazzle 12:10pm Horizon 1:00am The Daily Politics 1:30am Working Lunch With guest host Mr. James Tennent, Engineer, Rag President, TV Desk fan. 2:00pm Science Clips Investigates 2:10pm Science Clips Investigates 2:20pm Science Clips Investigates 2:30pm The Good Life 3:00pm am.pm 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:30pm Escape to the Country 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm The Apprentice 9:00pm It's Not Easy Being Green 10:00pm Don't Mess with Miss Beckles 11:00pm Thin Ice 11:30pm Newsnight This is the news...Great Double Decker Heist Overshadows Elections, “My Union Is Overrun By The Welsh And Females” - News Ridler, We Need More Boys, Election Of Perri Spells Hope For Gair Rhydd Vegetarians.

12:20am On Show 12:30am Congo 1:20pm Joins BBC News 24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 3 5:00am Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision Maths 3

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7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Britain's Streets of Slavery 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind Your Own Business 12:30pm Bargain Hunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 5:00pm What's New Scooby Doo? 5:30pm Grange Hill 6:00pm Serious Amazon Diaries 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Watchdog 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Holby City I may soon be in hospital as a result of over ingestion of Double Deckers. As the farce that is election results counting goes on they have a box of said nougaty delight as means of sustinence. I received a tip off of this so headed down and just grabbed a handful. I’m TV Gareth and I can do what I want. Plus double deckers are my chocolate bar of choice anyway. FATE. 10:00pm Dalziel and Pascoe 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Week In, Week Out 12:05am Rapists: the Day of Reckoning 12:45am Medium 1:25pm The Defenders: Choice of Evils 3:20am Sign Zone:Boris Johnson and the Dream of Rome 4:20am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook

Mum’s On Strike

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BBC2 2.00pm

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Science Clips

BBC1 1.25am

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The Defenders

7:00am Old Bear Stories 7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarb and Custard Too 8:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 8:35am Make Way for Noddy 8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig 9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick 9:50am The Clangers 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00am Home and Away 1:30am BrainTeaser 2:30pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:30pm Star Trek: Voyager 4:25pm Stranger in My Bed 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a Half Men 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Brian Sewell's Grand Tour 9:00pm Build a New Life in the Country 10:00pm CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 11:00pm CSI: Miami 12:00am Prison Break 1:00pm The Best of Fifth Gear: Supercars 2:00am NBA Basketball 4:30am Football Argentina Highlights I’d just like to take this opportunity to send some abuse in the direction of KarlEric Cockhead or whatever his name is who in his manifesto moaned about there being too many pages of TV in gair rhydd.

Firstly he said there are 7 pages (THERE ARE EIGHT) and any less would kind of compromise the sensible page-for-a-day thing we have going on. Howsabout we just give you Wednesdays and Sundays from now on? Anyway, he lost. You chose well electorate. 5:20am Football

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Wednesday

Page 26

March 27 - April 2 2006

iwasearly@shockhorror.com

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8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm You Need a Dog! I happen to be quite partial to cats actually. Dogs have the ability to make your hand smell even if you touch it lightly. Why, oh why, do people choose to live with an animal that requires you to pick up its faeces with a lttle scoop?

9:30pm The Real Hustle 10:00pm Trauma Uncut 10:30pm Desperate Midwives 11:00pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 11:30pm Malice 1:15pm Disabled and Looking for Love 2:10am Trauma Uncut 2:40am Desperate Midwives 3:10am Spendaholics 4:10am The Trouble with Old People Well, they’re old for a start. And they have funny teeth and weird marks on their skin.

There’s nothing worse than feeling the disapproval of an old person. I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s the icy mist that surrrounds them as you pay for your penny sweets. Not everyone lies about the number of sweets in the bag you know.

8:05am CBBC:Friends International 8:10am The Cramp Twins 8:20am The Cramp Twins 8:30am SMart 8:55am Newsround 9:00am Blue Peter Flies the World 9:30am CBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50am Tweenies 11:15am Something Special 11:30am Christopher Plummer: A Man for All Stages 12:30pm am.pm 2:00pm Wildlife on Two 2:30pm Working Lunch 3:00pm British Isles: A User's Guide to Natural History Once upon a time there were birds with scales and big bitey teeth and everything. Then, due to some blatent inbreeding, a family of birds spawned young with feathers instead of scales. Then some plants grew and turned into trees. Some hairy mammals began to dominate the scene and the rest is, well, natural history. I think.

4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:30pm Escape to the Country 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 7:30pm Match of the Day Wales Live 10:00pm The Apprentice 11:00pm The Armstrongs Apparently Neil’s grandchildren take small steps, not giant leaps.

I’m sorry. That was terrible.

11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am On Show 12:30am Desi DNA 1:00pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 1:30pm Joins BBC News 24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision: Science 3 5:00am Geography: Curriculum Bites Yes, that’s right. It bites and it hurts. I prescribe a large dose of truancy and a pack of 20 L & B.

8:00pm The Life and Times of El Nino 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Olympic Architecture: After the Circus Leaves Town 10:00pm Backhander: The Poulson Affair 11:00pm Our Friends in the North Ex-TV Willy just told me that this programme featured a sex scene complete with “Bill and Ben noises”. How very disturbing.

12:15am Time Shift:Tyneside 12:55am Bollywood Shorts 1:30pm Backhander: The Poulson Affair 2:30am Time Shift:Tyneside 3:10am The Life and Times of El Nino 4:10am Bollywood Shorts These are a loose-fitting cullottestyle of short trouser, available in fine silk with a smooth cashmere trim. Bollywood Shorts are sold in a wide variety of colours and usually feature ornate beading and gold quilling. Although once considered rather twee; they have enjoyed a renaissance since Dame Judy Dench wore them to the premiere of Big Mama’s House 2.

BBC 3 1.15pm

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pm The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 5:00pm Art Attack 5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens 6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show There once was a chap named O’ Grady, Who was a little bit O’ gaydee.

He had a white dog, I onced kissed a frog, And my dad is the real Slim Shady.

7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Bill 10:00pm Taggart 11:30pm ITV News 12:00am Denis Norden's 7th Laughter File So. Are these locked in ITV1’s “Funny Vault” and released on strategic dates?

1:00pm Sure Fans United 1:30pm Quizmania 5:05am The Jeremy Kyle Show There once was a fellow named Kyle, Who hosted a chat show for a while.

His brother did drugs, I like mugs, And in Egypt there’s a river called the Nile. 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News On Wednesdays I watch the news, It makes me feel all blessed.

On Thursdays I watch Britain’s Streets of Booze, It makes me feel like George Best.

P R I M E T I M E

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Britain's Streets of Slavery 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind Your Own Business 12:30pm Bargain Hunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:Chucklevision 4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 5:05pm What's New Scooby Doo? 5:30pm Grange Hill 6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Cash in the Attic 8:30pm Disaster Masters 9:00pm Davina 10:00pm Car Wars 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 11:40pm Belonging 12:10am Would You Buy a House with a Stranger?

1:10pm All the Queen's Men 2:55am Sign Zone:Hairy Bikers' Cookbook 3:25am Sign Zone:Pets Are People 3:55am Sign Zone:Best of Top Gear 4:55am Sign Zone:Accidents Can Happen My family are particularly prone to accidents. Like the time my dad hacked into his arm with a chainsaw and hid in the bathroom while he tried to sew together his gaping wound in case my mother shouted at him for being careless with machinary. My sister once jumped up and down and split her tongue open. To top it all off, my leg got mangled in a gruesome accident at a top theme park. 5:40am Joins BBC News 24

Disabled & Looking for Love

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30am Transformers Energon 9:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 2:30pm Airline 3:00pm Coronation Street 3:30pm Emmerdale 4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:50pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show BREAKING NEWS: Oprah dosen’t like opera.

She does, however, enjoy the odd ballet.6:35pm Judge Judy 7:50pm Pop the Question 8:00pm Married with Children 8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Nanny 911 9:50pm Movies Now 10:00pm Poor Little Rich Girls 11:00pm Coronation Street 11:30pm Footballers' Wives 12:35am Supersize Surgery 1:05pm The Ricki Lake Show 1:55pm Married with Children 2:20am Dare 5:00am Teleshopping

Desperate Housewives

C4 11pm

7:15am Making It 7:20am Animated Tales of the World 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:50am Will and Grace 10:15am Frasier 10:45am Frasier 11:15am Miss Match 12:10pm Without a Trace This week we search for the elusive mojo of TV Grace. She lost it at some point in the early nineties in some disused warehouse near Woking. It was last seen strolling hand in hand with a hoodlum in a tie-dye shirt.

1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Supporting Acts 1:40am ER 2:30pm Magnificent Obsession 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show As shit as the old one?

7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm Selling Houses Special 10:00pm Adopt-a-Granny I had a granny once. She was a right slag.

11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:05am Green Wing 1:10pm Ghost Squad 2:10am Coming Up: Naked 2:35am Studs of Suburbia My esteemed collegue TV Gareth apparently used to visit the houses of the lonely spinsters of Bath to “fix their digiboxes”. It has been said that he charged £4.99 for the, erm, privilege. I might have to stop saying ridiculous things about TV Gareth soon because he gets upset and cries. I’m not a bully or owt. Just don’t mention his hair. Ever Again. 3:35am Dispatches 4:25am Wild Things 5:10am Trans World Sport 6:05am Grudge Match 6:20am Countdowntoomuchsugar=bleug

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with... Christian Slater 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00am Higher or Lower 2:00pm Ultimate Mix Tape If this programme doesn’t feature the mix-tape maestro that is TV John then I’ll eat my hat and then sick it up all over E4. 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Invasion 11:00pm Derren Brown: Messiah 12:00am Desperate Housewives 1:00pm Hollyoaks Let Loose 2:05am Derren Brown: Messiah 3:10am The OC 3:55am Switched 4:15am Switched 4:40am The Next Joe Millionaire 5:25am Switched Up! 5:45am Fool Around... with Calum Best

7:00am Old Bear Stories 7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarb and Custard Too 8:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 8:35am Make Way for Noddy 8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig 9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick 9:50am The Clangers 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard Oh Trisha Goddard, She’s proper well hard, I once looked at her funny, and now I have a bag coming out of my tummy. Don’t mess with this bint, she aint skint. She’ll mess you up a treat, and slap you around like a piece of meat. Oh why am I so poetic? Some would say it’s pathetic. Why can’t I stop rhyming? Oh, the church bells are chiming. I’m really quite shit, but I just can’t stop it. Please release me from this torturous phase, I can’t stop this maddening craze. Everyone around me is rhyming, they arent actually I’m lying.

12:30pm five news 1:00am Home and Away 1:30am BrainTeaser 2:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:40pm Star Trek: Voyager 54:40pm Into Thin Air: Death on Everest Brian Blessed once went up Everest. He’s got a cool beard.

6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a Half Men 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Movie Lounge 9:00pm Alive: Back to the Andes 10:00pm Alive: Back from Rubber Duck.

12:30am X-Rated: Inside Naked News 1:35pm Poker Wednesday 3:05am NHL Ice Hockey

PRIMETIME

Channel 4 10.00pm

PRIMETIME

Adopt-a-Granny

BBC3 4.10am

PRIMETIME

029 20229977

The Trouble With Old People

PRIME-

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:50am 3 Minute Wonder: Last Orders 10:05am Schools:Rude Britannia 10:35am Schools:Self Portrait UK 10:40am Schools:The Market 11:05am Schools:Tate Modern 11:10am Schools: Bricking It 12:00pm Schools: Tate Modern 12:05pm Schools: Tricky Business 12:30pm Schools:Rewriting History 12:35pm Bobinogi 12:45pm Bobinogi 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Planed Plant Bach:FfiFfi A'i Ffrindiau 1:50am Planed Plant Bach:Yoko! Jakamoko!

Toto! 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pm Time Team 3:25pm Deal or No Deal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant:Code Lyoko 5:25pm Planed Plant:Hip Neu Sgip? 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Rownd a Rownd 8:00pm Wedi 7 8:30pm Newyddion 9:00pm Pobol y Cwm 9:25pm Cwpwrdd Dillad 10:00pm 04 Wal

Thursday

March 27 - April 2 2006

Page 27

Satanismydad@tvdesk.com

8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 10:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids Tips and Suggestions 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm The Real Hustle 12:00am Kick Ass Miracles Is this like a trendy christanity show. 12:30am Dog Borstal 1:25pm Fresh: Don't Panic, I'm Islamic. Panic! at the disco spin off band. With Sitars.2:25am Desperate Midwives 2:55am Spendaholics 3:50am I Love Being HIV Kick ass miracles Jesus could have performed: Turning water into cider whilst beat boxing and break dancing. Emo miracles Jesus could perform: Healing lepers whilst listening to Taking Back Sunday and crying black tears onto their scaly bodies.

Goth miracles Jesus could perfrom: Feeding 4000 Cradle of Filth fans moldy fish whilst crowd surfing to “Coffin Fodder.”

Of course im joking, i dont mean to offend. Cradle of Filth could never have 4000 fans. You Goth Fairy.

8:05am CBBC:Friends International 8:10am The Cramp Twins 8:20am The Cramp Twins Constantly have their period 8:30am SMart 8:55am Newsround 9:00am Blue Peter Flies the World 9:30amCBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50am Tweenies 11:15am Something Special 11:30am Watch 11:45am Something Special A cross dressing albino midget 12:00pm Razzledazzle 12:20pm BBC Primary History 12:30pm Aiming for Excellence 1:00am The Daily Politics 1:30am Working Lunch 2:00pm Small Town Gardens 2:10pm Small Town Gardens 2:20pm Nobody Runs Forever Except the duracell bunny 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:30pm Escape to the Country 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm On Show 8:40pm Mountain 9:00pm The Curious House Guest This week the curious house guest discovers the cupboard full of dead babies in clown suits 9:30pm Mastermind 10:00pm How to Have a Good Death Now unless you commit suicide I heard a rumour that you cant plan these things. I’m being cryogenically frozen. With the body of the guy from the “Jesus of Surburbia video” FIT 11:30pm Newsnight 12:20am On Show 12:30am The Culture Show 1:30pm Joins BBC News 24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Schools:GCSE Bitesize 5:00am GCSE Bitesize

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Britain's Streets of Slavery 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind Your Own Business 12:30pm Bargain Hunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours Sky summons Elles dark side. 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 5:05pm What's New Scooby Doo? 5:30pm Grange Hill 6:00pm Serious Amazon 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm Run for Glory 8:30pm EastEnders 9:00pm Waterloo Road 10:00pm The Family Man 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Belonging 12:05am Question Time 1:05pm This Week i have been trying to prove to TV Gareth that red bull does not contain actual bulls blood.

2:15am Sign Zone:Panorama For deaf Insomniacs 2:55am Sign Zone:Accidents Can Happen To deaf insomniacs when they try and operate combine harvesters on four hours sleep. 3:40am Joins BBC And now some information from “The Joy of Satan” website.

Satan’s favourite day is monday, and his favourite colour is blue.

Beelzebub is an aquarius and his chosen animal is a peacock, but he has a weak spot for emus. He responds to the names The Great Dragon, The Evil One and Niki. I personally call him The Dark Father, but then he is my dad.

I love Satan in the face.

8:00pm Sounds of the Sixties just the sound of people inhaling and orgasms 8:10pm The Avengers 9:00pm The World 9:30pm Sun and Moon 10:00pm Time Shift:Pay Attention Britain! - Public information Films 10:40pm Hollywood UK 11:30pm QI 12:00am The Mark Steel Lecture 12:30am Olympic Architecture: After the Circus Leaves Town 1:00pm Moscow: The Cold War Olympics 1:30pm Time Shift:Pay Attention Britain! - Public information Films 2:10am Olympic Architecture: After the Circus Leaves Town The clown commits suicide 2:40am The Mark Steel Lecture 3:10am Backhander: The Poulson Affair 4:10am Pay Attention Britain! - Public information Films Music TV Ellen has been listening to this week: The Distillers, (I would have a lesbian affair with brody) Broken Social Scene, The Mystery Jets, Panic! At the disco and the Dresdon Dolls.

This page was sponsered by Lesbians, Satan and Cat Valium.

Just Shoot Me

C4 8.55am

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am LK Today 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pm The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 4:30pm Pocoyo 4:40pm Blips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 4:55pm Sonic X 5:25pm My Parents Are Aliens 6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm Wales Tonight 7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Great Welsh Roads We all know the best Welsh road is Ellen road. Named after me when i saved the townspeople from inbred donkeys. 9:00pm The Bill There was no bill because this week I cooked a boy dinner for the first time (tedious link) and he didn’t die of food poisoning!

10:00pm Footballers' Wives 11:00pm Poor Little Rich Girls Some rich slag works in the ghetto and some commoner rides a pony. But they both wear burburry. 11:30pm ITV News 12:00am Poor Little Rich Girls 12:30am Waterfront 1:00pm Free Ride 1:30pm Quizmania 5:10am Britain's Best Back Gardens 5:35am Moving Day 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning News Calling all dyslexic people, have you heard they are thinking of firing a dyslexic postman because he gets confused over numbers. The Sun effectively insinuated he was solely responsible for the 14.6 million letters that were lost a year. It is a disability so it should be treated with confidentionality and sympathy, and he may take longer but surely he will work harder to get it right. Just my opinion.

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30am Transformers Energon 9:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 2:30pm Airline 3:00pm Coronation Street 3:30pm Emmerdale 4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:50pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 6:35pm Judge Judy 7:50pm Ask a Silly Question Is Vince Noir Fit? 8:00pm Married with Children 8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm My Teen's a Nightmare - I'm Moving Out Cheers mum.

10:00pm Real Crime 11:00pm Celebrity Surgery: Who's Had What Done? 11:30pm Footballers' Wives Extra Time 12:15am Supernatural 1:15pm The Ricki Lake Show 2:00am Dare 5:00am Teleshopping If you watch this you deserve to buy useless crap. Loser.

Bear in the Big Blue House C5 7:15am

7:05am Making It 7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:45am Will and Grace 10:15am Frasier 10:40am Frasier 11:10am Miss Match Mars Bars and Deep frying machines. Why?12:05pm Without a Trace 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am 3 Minute Wonder: The Bench 1:45am ER 2:30pm Written on the Wind 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal No deal. IN YOUR FACE. 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder 9:00pm A Place in the Sun 9:30pm No Going Back: A New Life in France 10:00pm Stairlift to Heaven 11:00pm Basic Instinct 1:25pm Green Wing 2:35am Miranda 4:10am One Minute Past Midnight 4:20am Reasons to be Cheerful “Can I have a drag on your hairy blunt” translation: Could i possibly have a puff on your fine spliff.

“Can I snort a line of Bololivian Marching Powder?” translations: can I act like an arrogant twat by snorting some coke til my nose falls off.

“Got any Cat valium?”

Translation: Got any horse tranquiliser? If Black Beauty does it, it must be cool. Yes, I am the type of person who moshes to The Coral at fun factory.

4:35am The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 5:30am Wild Things Not the film with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards being lesbians. So don’t stay up late just in case Tom Bromley implodes.

6:20am Countdown

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up with Felicity Huffman 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00am Higher or Lower 2:00pm Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:35pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm ER 11:00pm My Name Is Earl 11:30pm Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 12:00am 8 Out of 10 Cats 12:35am Criss Angel Mindfreak 1:05pm Criss Angel Mindfreak 1:35pm ER 2:30am My Name Is Earl 3:00am Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 3:30am 8 Out of 10 Cats 4:00am Criss Angel Mindfreak 4:20am Criss Angel Mindfreak 4:45am The OC 5:25am Switched Up! 5:50am Fool Around... with Romeo

7:00am Old Bear Stories 7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15am Bear in the Big Blue House I love this show, I remember one week when bear sniffed the screen and said “hmmm you smell like babies” 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarb and Custard Too 8:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 8:35am Make Way for Noddy No, he wasn’t fucking invited.

8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig 9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick 9:50am The Clangers 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00am Home and Away 1:30am BrainTeaser 2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 4:30pm five news update 4:40pm Danger Island Jesus alone on the island has managed 39 days without kinder eggs. Then Satan is parachuted in covered in nestle chocolate. Unlucky.

6:35pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a Half Men 8:00pm five news 8:15pm Rogue Raiders: Alligators 9:00pm How Not to Decorate 10:00pm Super Size She 11:00pm House 12:00am The 46 Year Pregnancy: Extraordinary People Stef from neighbours. 1:50pm Golazo Football Show 2:40am Dutch Football 4:10am Portuguese Football 5:40am Football Argentina Speaking of Lesbians the gair rhydd team are looking at the Talybont Lesbians film. And when I say lesbians i mean drunk girls with camera phones.

And Jocks holding them.

029 20229977

PRIMETIME

C4 11.20pm

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Death By Sex

ITV2 9pm

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Britain’s Youngest Boozers

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7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:20am Will and Grace 9:45am Small Railway Journeys 10:00am Schools:Rude Britannia 10:30am Schools:Self Portrait UK 10:35am Schools:The Market 11:00am Schools:Tate Modern 11:05am Schools:Bricking It 11:55am Schools:Tate Modern 12:00pm Schools:Tricky Business 12:25pm Schools:Rewriting History 12:30pm Bitesize Cemeg 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Planed Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45am Planed Plant Bach:Mr Men and Little Miss 1:50am Planed Plant Bach:Binca 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Amser Stori 2:05pm Planed Plant Bach:Clwb Cleber 2:15pm A Place in the Sun 2:45pm No Going Back: A New Life in France 3:15pm Deal or No Deal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant:Dennis a Dannedd 5:25pm Planed Plant:Mona y Fampir 5:35pm Planed Plant:Crafwr 5:50pm Planed

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Friday

Page 28

March 27 - April 2 2006

adoptamemberofthetvdesk@gairrhydd.com

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BBC2 4.30am

8:00pm The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 9:00pm Trauma 9:30pm The Real Hustle 10:00pm The UK Birth Map 11:00pm EastEnders 11:30pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12:00am Guerilla Gig Live 1:00pm Ideal 1:30pm The Real Hustle 2:00am Kick Ass Miracles 2:30am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 3:00am Spendaholics 3:55am The Ferocious Mr Fix It Well I hope all you readers remembered Mother's Day this year and made pretty little cards to send home. My mummy got the Jack Johnson CD. Well actually at the time of writing she hasn't actually had it yet as it is the Thursday before Mother's Day but I thought I'd write this so it makes sense to you, aren't I kind? That's presuming there's anyone reading this, although I did see one person reading the listings in a lecture the other day which I found quite touching and quite scary as I've never thought about people reading my ramblings before. But then again,.......................................

the lecture wasn't particularly thrilling , in fact it was dire, so maybe that explains it. So anyway my ma got Jack Johnson because mum likes Jack Johnson because he's sweet and cheerful and I find he's good to clean the bathroom to.

8:00pm What is Art? 9:00pm The World 9:30pm The Cinema Show A 10:00pm Solomon Burke: Everybody Needs Somebody 11:00pm A for Andromeda 12:30am The Avengers 1:20pm The Mark Steel Lecture 1:50pm What is Art? 2:50am Solomon Burke: Everybody Needs Somebody If you check out this guy's official website you're in for a chuckle, he's a cool dude. There's this cool opening to the website with him looking massive and cheesy with some crazy song about him needing love in his life. The website calls him King Solomon, the king of rock 'n roll apparently and he has this little message telling the world that we need to donate more money and time to charity and to get involved with our communities and government. 3:50am A for Andromeda

7:00am GMTV Newshour 7:58am GMTV Today 9:35am Entertainment Today I was highly entertained yesterday by my friend's astonishing collection of Children's TV theme tunes on her laptop. I had forgotten what a masterpiece 'Fireman Sam' was….Sam is the hero next door! 10:25am The Jeremy Kyle Show 11:30am This Morning 1:30am ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 2:30pm Loose Women 3:30pm The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 4:30pm Pocoyo does the cutest little dance at the beginning, check it out. 4:40pm Blips 4:50pm Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Kids 5:00pm Finders Keepers 5:30pm Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 6:00pm The Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm Wales Tonight is full of tweety birds outside my window, fuckin seagulls are somewhere nearby too, shoot the fuckers.

7:30pm ITV Evening News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm Tonight with Trevor McDonald I am going to discuss the importance of traditional Cotswold cider in today's society. 9:30pm A Touch of Frost 11:30pm ITV News 12:00am Hair 12:30am Orange Playlist 1:00pm The Mint did anyone else demand an extra strong mint from their parents as a child on long car journeys, suck it for about 5 seconds, then decide it was too strong, hence the name 'extra strong' and say 'I don't like it' and give it back? This was a regular occurrence for me as a child, I never seemed to learn.

Bless me. 4:30am F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying Live 6:30am ITV Early Morning

f7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Sabrina 8:30am Transformers Energon 9:00am Yu-Gi-Oh! GX 9:30am Mummies Alive 10:00am Sonic Underground 10:25am Coronation Street 10:55am Emmerdale 11:25am Sally Jessy Raphael 12:10pm Judge Judy 1:30am The Jeremy Kyle Show 2:30pm Airline 3:00pm Coronation Street 3:30pm Emmerdale 4:00pm The Ricki Lake Show 4:50pm The Montel Williams Show 5:40pm The Oprah Winfrey Show 6:35pm Judge Judy 7:50pm Movies Now 8:00pm Married with Children 8:30pm Spin City 9:00pm Planet's Funniest Animals 9:30pm American Idol 10:20pm American Idol Results 11:50pm Test Drive My Girlfriend Anyone who trusts that Paul Danan guy to find them a girlfriend must be insane.....12:20am Coronation Street 12:50am Footballers' Wives Extra Time 1:35pm Married with Children 2:00am ITV Play: Quizmania 5:00am Teleshopping

The Dark Side of Hippos

five 9pm

7:00am The Cubeez 7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am Will and Grace 10:15am Frasier 10:45am Frasier 11:15am Miss Match 12:10pm Without a Trace 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am My Place in the Sun 2:00pm Supporting Acts 2:10pm Imitation of Life 4:30pm Countdown 5:15pm Deal or No Deal 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Hollyoaks 8:00pm Channel 4 News 8:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: Me and My Machine Is it the rampant rabbit we're talking about here?

9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Will and Grace 10:00pm Green Wing 11:10pm My Name Is Earl 11:40pm Beauty and the Geek 12:40am 4 Music:Gorillaz: Live in Manchester 1:50pm 888.com Poker Nations Cup 3:20am Ozone 3:40am Stairlift to Heaven 4:40am Adopt-aGrandad That sounds like a really nice idea as all my Grandparents have passed away and I'd quite like a Grandad. Or is it one of those cons like the 'adopt a monkey' where you send off your money and wait for the monkey to arrive but it never does because it stays in its 'natural habitat'? Quite possibly you adopt a Grandad and he sends you pictures and letters saying thank you etc. but really its just one big scam to make some old fella rich. Now that wouldn’t be nice would it?5:40am Wild Things Tv desk, we’re wild things, oh yes we are. so very wild. Hell yeah. Yeehah!

6:25am Countdown

PRIMETIME

8:05am CBBC:Friends International 8:10am The Cramp Twins 8:20am The Cramp Twins 8:30am SMart 8:55am Newsround 9:00am Blue Peter Flies the World I was voted most likely to be a Blue Peter presenter when I was at school l9:30am CBeebies:Rubbadubbers 9:40am Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:50am Little Red Tractor 10:00am CBeebies Birthdays:Big Cook Little Cook 10:25am Postman Pat 10:40am Little Robots 10:50am Tweenies 11:15am Something Special 11:30am BBC Primary History 11:50am BBC Primary Geography 12:10pm BBC Primary Geography 12:30pm Razzledazzle 12:50pm Focus 1:00pm The Daily Politics 1:30pm Working Lunch 2:30pm Broken Arrow 4:00pm Through the Keyhole 4:30pm Escape to the Country 5:30pm Ready Steady Cook 6:15pm Weakest Link 7:00pm Flog It! 8:00pm Scrum V Live 10:00pm Gardeners' World 11:00pm My Appalling School Report...If you play hockey you get smacked around the ankles with sticks, play netball and in my case you just get trodden on. 11:30pm Newsnight 12:00am Newsnight Review 12:35am Georgie Fame: The Birth of Cool 1:35pm The Price of Fame 2:35am Joins BBC News 24 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest:From Here to Modernity 3:30am Musee du Louvre 4:20am Ever Wondered?

4:30am The Ageing Files 5:00am The Addiction Files 5:30am Moral Panics - The Agony and the Ecstasy 6:00am Sex and the Single Gene?

E4 4.35am

P R I M E T I M E

7:00am Breakfast 10:15am Missing 11:00am Homes under the Hammer 12:00pm Mind Your Own Business 12:30pm Bargain Hunt 1:15am Cash in the Attic 2:00pm BBC News; Weather 2:30pm Regional News and Weather 2:40pm Neighbours what's going on?

Where are the Neighbours listings? Oh dear God. This I cannot cope with. 3:05pm Doctors 3:35pm Monk 4:20pm BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4:25pm CBBC:ChuckleVision 4:40pm Pitt and Kantrop 5:00pm Zombie Hotel I found myself shouting a the TV the other night whilst watching Resident Evil, this is not good and nothing to be proud of I know. Such a load of piss but I couldn't help getting involved, why oh why don’t they have to keep wondering around on their own when there's zombie things about? Don't let me get near the computer game, it could be dangerous. 5:30pm Living It 6:00pm Blue Peter 6:25pm Newsround 6:35pm Neighbours 7:00pm BBC News and Weather 7:30pm Wales Today; Weather 8:00pm A Question of Sport 8:30pm Airport 9:00pm EastEnders 9:30pm My Family 10:00pm Hustle 11:00pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35pm Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 12:35am Jackie Chan's First Strike 1:55pm The Ghost 3:20am Joins BBC News 24 every year my school report complained about my lack of extra-curricular sport activities.

Why would I want to put myself voluntarily through the torture of the hockey and netball teams?..

Porn-A family Business

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am Wake Up With... 10:00am Freshly Squeezed Tunes 11:00am Whatever... You Want 12:00pm Whatever... You Want you won't find it in the tv listings.1:00am Higher or Lower 2:00pm Pink's Ultimate Mix Tape 3:00pm The OC 4:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 5:00pm Switched 5:30pm Hollyoaks 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:05pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 8:00pm Hollyoaks 8:30pm Switched 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm Supernanny 11:00pm Nine Months 1:00pm The Album Chart Show 1:35pm Porn: A Family Business 2:10am Porn: A Family Business 2:50am Supernanny 3:50am Jamie Cullum: In Profile 4:35am Porn: A Family Business 5:05am The OC 5:45am Fool Around... with a chainsaw and you'll see what happens. You wonnder why therre's so many typing errors in my listimgs?

7:00am Old Bear Stories 7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Hi-5 8:10am Roobarb and Custard Too 8:25am The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 8:35am Make Way for Noddy Or else he'll cover you in glue and sweet sticky bee attracting pollen and hang you from a tree in the middle of a bee farm place next to all their hives and they'll swarm around you like crazy and then they'll get stuck to you and get stressed and sting you and you'll be severly wounded by all your stings, maybe even dead. 8:50am Say It With Noddy 8:55am Fifi and the Flowertots 9:10am Peppa Pig 9:15am Bird Bath 9:30am Titch 9:40am MechaNick 9:50am The Clangers 10:00am The Wright Stuff 11:30am Trisha Goddard 12:30pm five news 1:00am Home and Away 1:30am BrainTeaser 2:35pm Star Trek: Voyager 3:30pm Star Trek: Voyager 4:30pm Stranger on My Land 6:30pm five news 7:00pm Home and Away 7:30pm Two and a Half Men 8:00pm five news 8:30pm The X Games 9:00pm The Dark Side of Hippos 10:00pm The 1970s: That Was the Decade That Was 11:00pm Law and Order 12:00am Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 1:50pm John Barnes' Football Night 2:45am Boxing: Fight of the Week 3:30am Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 4:10am Indy Car Racing 5:00am Poker Night: Partypoker.com European Open 6:30am World Supercross Grand Prix as opposed to super circle, square, triangle, octagon or dodecahedron.

PRIMETIME

The Aging Files

Channel 4 4.40am

PRIMETIME

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Adopt A Grandad

PRIMETIME

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am B4 8:30am Friends 8:55am Just Shoot Me 9:25am Will and Grace 9:50am 3 Minute Wonder 9:55am Water Stories 10:00am Schools:Rude Britannia 10:30am Schools:The Market 10:55am Schools:National Gallery 11:00am Schools:Bricking It 11:50am Schools:Tate Modern 11:55am Schools:Tricky Business 12:20pm Schools:Rewriting History 12:25pm Schools:Rude Britannia 12:55pm Schools:Self Portrait UK 1:00am News at Noon 1:30am Planed Plant Bach:Ffi-Ffi A'i Ffrindiau 1:45am Planed Plant Bach:Pingu 1:50am Planed Plant Bach:Penblwydd Pwy 2:00pm Planed Plant Bach:Sam Tan 2:15pm Water Stories 2:20pm It's Me or the Dog 2:55pm You Are What You Eat 3:25pm Deal or No Deal 4:15pm Countdown 5:00pm Planed Plant:Beyblade 5:25pm Planed Plant:Paparazzi 5:50pm Planed Plant:Ffeil 6:00pm The New Paul O'Grady Show 7:00pm The Simpsons 7:30pm Uned 5 8:30pm

Saturday

March 27 - April 2 2006

Page 29

firemansam@heronextdoor.org

Dave the Barbarian

five 10.25am

ITV 1 8.55am

8:00pm The Apprentice 9:05pm Strictly Dance Fever on Three 9:50pm The Apprentice: You're Fired 10:20pm Three's Outtakes 10:30pm The Hunt for Red October 12:40am Dog Borstal Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 1:40pm Paparazzi 2:35am The Real Hustle 3:05am Kick Ass Miracles 3:35am Dog Borstal 4:30am Three's Outtakes I found myself getting strangely addicted to some stupid quizzes on t'internet the other day, those ones that tell you what you're like and stuff, such a load of bollocks as surely you're the only one who really knows what you're like so why I decided to let a computer tell me I really don't know. Anyway it turns out that the crayon colour I am most like is bright yellow (which is nice) I am mostly rocker/mosher and 0% chav (phew) and my weird fetish is biting apparently, which is worrying. I'm not sure about that one, I don’t think i like biting, in fact I know I don’t.

Why am I worrying bout this?

It’s not real tv Jane, it’s not real.

You daft crazy bean. Get a grip.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

8:00pm Blue Peter Review of the Year 1973 8:30pm The Rock 'n' Roll Years 9:00pm The Cinema Show 9:30pm Three Day Week 10:10pm Backhander: The Poulson Affair 11:10pm Get Carter 12:55am Storyville 2:05am Backhander: The Poulson Affair 3:05am The Cinema Show 3:35am Cast and Crew 4:15am Three Day Week Today my darling mother came to visit and this has resulted in me being rather tipsy for the listings tonight. Mothers ay, what are they like? It was a funpacked day though, we went to the bay had a wonder around, got on the boat and came back, wondered around, had lunch, drunk too much alcohol and then I decided to go to a recruitment day thing which may well have not been wise as I was a little bit merry and I’m not quite quite sure what I said. I know I talked a lot and that the interviewer laughed a lot. But was that a me or with me? Ah well.

If I get the job I’ll piss myself laughing. It was a good day though all in all though, good old ma, always getting me pissed.

7:00am Boohbah 7:10am Pocoyo 7:25am Fun Song Fireman Sam...and his engine’s quite clean, Sam is the hero next door! Yay! Factory 7:35am Jo Jo's Circus 8:00am Dora the Explorer 8:25am House of Mouse 8:55am Dave the Barbarian as all Daves are obviously completely barbaric, is this a good association to be made for children between the name Dave and barbarians? I think so. (Sorry Dave) 9:25am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:50am Avatar 10:25am Holly and Stephen's Saturday Showdown 12:30pm cd:uk 1:30pm ITV News; Weather 1:35pm ITV Wales News and Weather 1:40pm The Boat Race Documentary featuring lots of boats. Racing. Around and around. 2:40pm F1: Australian Grand Prix Qualifying 4:25pm Planet's Funniest Animals at the moment seem to be on this random websire TV Grace has found called ‘stuffoncats’ or something which features crazy pictures of poor defenceless cats adorned in strange clothing and with strange things piled on them.

4:40pm Ice Age 2: Behind The Scenes 4:50pm Ice Age 6:20pm ITV Wales News and Weather 6:35pm ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 6:50pm You've Been Framed! 7:20pm To Be Announced WHY IS EVERYTHING TO BE ANNOUNCED TODAY? I don't like it, I find it strangely disconcerting.

11:00pm Parkinson 12:00am ITV News 12:15am Film To Be Announced 2:15am The Mint my favourite mint is the Trebor mint, that was a classic. You don’t see them anymore though.

It’s a sad thing. 5:00am F1: Australian Grand Prix Live

7:00am Ni Ni's Treehouse 8:20am MacDonald's Farm 8:40am Bag People 9:10am Woodpecker's Tale 9:25am Mags and Mo 9:40am Babar 10:00am Time to Dance 10:10am Teleshopping 10:25am Emmerdale Omnibus 1:10am Coronation Street Omnibus 3:30pm Emmerdale Secrets: Comedy Moments 4:30pm Make Me Rich 5:00pm Holiday Showdown 6:00pm Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Yes please me please! If not then maybe I could have a lasagne as compensation? Preferably homemade with garlic bread, side salad and a glass of red wine, actually a bottle. And maybe a raspberry pavlova for desert.

7:00pm Airline USA 7:30pm Airline USA 8:00pm Surface 9:00pm Nanny 911 9:50pm Movies Now 10:00pm GoldenEye 12:25am Test Drive My Girlfriend no thank you id rather not. 12:55am Leaving Las Vegas 3:05am ITV Play: Quizmania 4:30am Emmerdale Omnibus

Fun Song

ITV 1 7.25am

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am French Football: Le Championnat 8:30am Freesports on 4 9:00am The Morning Line 9:50am T4:Totally Frank 10:20am T4:Mourinho's Ultimate +10 Team 10:50am T4:Popworld 11:45am T4:Mourinho's Ultimate +10 Team 12:00pm T4:Pink: T4 Icon 12:30pm T4:Mourinho's Ultimate +10 Team 12:45pm T4:Beauty and the Geek what has been going on in Hollyoaks at the moment? I really don’t understand the blond teacher bonking her spotty student story.

It doesn’t make any sense.1:50am T4:Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 3:00pm Channel 4 Racing 5:00pm Countdown 5:45pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away 6:50pm To Be Announced 7:50pm Channel 4 News 8:10pm Deal or No Deal 9:10pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune 10:10pm Film To Be Announced 12:15am Green Wing 1:20pm 4 Music:The Album Chart Show 2:00am 4 Music:Michael Jackson's Moments 2:05am Franz Ferdinand: Live in Edinburgh 3:25am To Be Announced 5:15am Adopt-a-Granny yes please I'd love to. Actually I think I'd like to adopt a set of grandparents, that'd be nice.

6:15am Countdown to the end of the world with Carol Vorderman. Well you wouldn’t want any old dumb fuckker to count down would you? If the world’s going to blow you might as well go down in style with Carol counting you out. Can’t think of anyone better. It would be even better if Richard Whitely was there too. God bless his soul. What a cherub. Such a cutey.

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

7:00am CBeebies:Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:15am Come Outside 7:30am The Roly Mo Show 7:45am The Koala Brothers 8:00am CBBC:Looney Tunes 8:05am Arthur 8:30am Dennis the Menace what happened to the Funday Times that came in the Sunday Times? That doesn't exist anymore does it?

That's a shame, I used to love Beril the Peril, she was great.

8:55am Watch My Chops 9:15am Trollz 9:35am What's New Scooby Doo? 10:00am Mighty Truck of Stuff 12:45pm Sportsround 1:00pm See Hear 1:45pm To Be Announced 5:45pm The Marriage of Figaro well I have no idea what’s going on hereas there appears to be huge gap between 5pm and 8pm but hey nevermind there probably wouldn’t be fuck all on BBC 2 on a Saturday night anyway so take it from me, dont worry, you’re not missing much. 8:35pm Planet Earth 9:35pm To Be Announced 10:35pm To Be Announced 12:10am Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12:40am Sweet and Lowdown 3:00am BBC Learning Zone: Open University:Rough Science 3:30am Leg before Cricket 3:45am What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? 4:00am A Formidable Foe 4:30am Why Do Peacocks Have Elaborate Trains? I don't know, why do peacocks have elaborate trains?

Is this a joke? Oh it has something to do with wanting to impress the ladies doesn't it? I remember now. 5:00am Sexual Selection and Speciation 5:30am The Lapedo Child I could have sworn this said libido child for a second, which didn't sound too pretty to me. 6:30am Ever Wondered? Yes all the time, why?

ITV1 2.15am

PRIMETIME

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7:00am Breakfast 10:00am Weekend 24 11:00am Saturday Kitchen 12:30pm To Be Announced 1:00am BBC News; Weather 1:10am Football Focus 2:00pm Grandstand 5:30pm Final Score 6:20pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 6:40pm To Be Announced Well this just isn't good enough. I do apologise to anyone who might be looking in the listings to find out what's on tv but it appears not to have been announced yet. By the way, if you are looking to see what's on tv then why are you looking in here because that's a very silly idea and why aren't you out and about anyway, it's Saturday night. Saddo. I stay in on Saturdays too sometimes because I'm sad so don't be too offended by this please.

7:40pm To Be Announced 8:40pm The National Lottery Jet Set 9:15pm Casualty 10:05pm To Be Announced 11:05pm BBC News; Weather 11:25pm Match of the Day 12:45am Film To Be Announced I think this would make quite a good title for a film, this isn't the real title by the way, the BBC obviously ran out of ideas for this Saturday so they're busy digging up some more old Only Fools and Horses to repeat again and again and again. 2:30am Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 3:35am Joins BBC News 24 aww this is cute, TV Grace is singing along with TV John’s mix tape...and now Tv John’s singing too, how cute.

Except TV John just let out a yell that sounded painful but I think he’s OK so that’s good. Bless all the lovely people. I think I’ve had too much wine.

The Mint

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 8:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 9:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 10:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 11:00am The All Star Wake Up Call 12:00pm Whatever... You Want 1:00am Whatever... You Want 1:55am Gorillaz: Live in Manchester 3:00pm The Album Chart Show I was quite excited when I saw the advert for this as I thought it was about time we had a show with some proper live bands and shit. Wasn't so impressed when I saw it though, piece of poo.

3:30pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 8:00pm Beauty and the Geek 9:00pm Friends 9:30pm Friends 10:00pm 100 Greatest Movie Stars 1:45pm Keane: Live in Chicago 2:55am Gorillaz: Live in Manchester 4:00am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 5:00am Beauty and the Geek 5:40am Switched Up! 6:00am Fool Around... with a three legged dinosaur whilst holding a big piece of steak.

7:00am Sunrise 7:55am Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8:25am The SaveUms! 8:40am The Save-Ums! 8:55am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:05am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:20am Franklin 9:50am George Shrinks 10:25am Don't Blame the Koalas it wasn't their fault, they can't help being fat and lazy.

10:55am The Adventures of Sinbad 11:50am Blue Water High 12:20pm The Gadget Show a stupid geeky programme about technical shit that no one will ever use yet alone afford. Complete poppycock. 1:10am Film To Be Announced 3:40pm Stay Tuned 5:20pm Charmed 6:05pm To Be Announced I'm finding it difficult to make any puns on the tv shows listed here today as everything appears to be waiting to be announced. By the time the listings are put in maybe they will have changed the programmes to announced ones. If not I'm very sorry it is the fault of someone I don't know, but not of us so please forgive my boring rambling here that I put in just to take up space.

7:05pm The Magnificent Seven Ride!

9:00pm NCIS 9:55pm five news and sport 10:10pm CSI:NY 11:10pm Law and Order: Criminal Intent 12:10am The Getaway 2:20am Law and Order: Criminal Intent 3:10am The Wright Stuff 4:20am The Wright Stuff 5:30am To Be Announced no change there then. Ok this is my last ickle section and I don’t know what to say and I’m fed up of ‘to be announced’s so I’m just gping to run away right now.

029 20229977

P R I M E T I M E

Don’t Blame the Koalas

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am French Football: Le Championnat 8:30am Freesports on 4 9:00am The Morning Line 9:50am Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 10:50am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 11:50am Shipwrecked 2006: Battle of the Islands 12:50pm Chantelle: Living the Dream 1:15am The OC 2:00pm Beauty and the Geek 3:00pm Channel 4 Racing from Kempton Park and Lingfield Park 5:15pm Countdown 6:00pm Newyddion 6:10pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 8:35pm Newyddion a Chwaraeon 8:50pm Noson Lawen 9:50pm David Lloyd George 10:50pm Y Clwb Rygbi 11:50pm Eraser 1:55pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune 2:55am 888.com Poker Nations Cup 4:25am The Hives: Live in Concert 5:20am KOTV

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Sunday

Page 30

March 27 - April 2 2006

look!@nofaintinggoats.com

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20229977

8:00pm Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife 9:00pm Honey We're Killing the Kids 10:00pm Wedding Stories I had a dream that my future husband proposed to me by hiding a ring in a Kinder Surprise. For some reason we immediately had children called Regine and Evan.

This obviously doesn’t relate to the fact that two of my favourite bands are The Lemonheads and the Arcade Fire. At all.

11:00pm Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 11:30pm Ideal 12:00am The Real Hustle 12:30am Kick Ass Miracles 1:00am Wedding Stories 1:55am Honey We're Killing the Kids 2:55am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 3:25am Ideal 3:55am Anthea Turner: the Perfect Housewife Tina Turner, Ted Turner, Turner and Hooch, Ike Turner, Tanya Turner, Painter Turner, Stomach Turner, SpinningTop Turner. I don’t know what the point of that list was. At least I’m honest.

8:00pm The Sting 10:05pm The Year in Chat 1973 “Oi! mate, where did you get those platforms from? I saw David Cassidy wearing some really similar on Top of the Pops just the other day.”

“Got them from C & A last tuesday. They’re groovy aren’t they?”

“Well, they’re a bit shit really.”

11:05pm Life on Mars David Bowie. Quite a musical legend, but a cruel bastard when it comes to naming kids. Poor Zowie Bowie.

12:05am Time Shift: Creating Life on Mars 12:25am All in a Day - Sheffield in 1973 “Ay up.Got any stainless steel knives?”

“Nah, I my boy is starting down t’pit next week. We had to sell all the cutlery to buy him some shoes.”

1:15am The Fifty Years War 2:05am The Trials of Henry Kissinger 3:25am Time Shift:Creating Life on Mars 3:45am The Year in Chat 1973 “Oi! mate, did you hear that new Slade single? It’s fucking fantastic!”

4:45am The Cinema Show

C4 9.50am

8:00am Dora the Explorer 8:25am Recess 8:40am Winx Club 9:05am Power Rangers SPD 9:35am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:50am American Dragon 10:25am The Championship 11:40am American Idol 12:30pm Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1:30pm American Idol Results 2:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 2:05pm F1: Australian Grand Prix 3:20pm The Boat Race 5:20pm Animals Do the Funniest Things 6:20pm Local News and Weather 6:30pm Celtic Monsters 7:00pm Wales Soccer Sunday 7:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 7:40pm ITV News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Royal 10:00pm Agatha Christie's Poirot 12:00am ITV News 12:10am It Shouldn't Happen to a Soap Star 1:10am F1: Australian Grand Prix Highlights 2:10am The Mint 4:20am Fat Chance 4:45am Redcoats “Oh, the red coats Passions uncaged Thundering moments of tenderness rage Oh, the red coats Tempered and strong (fearlessly drawn) Burning the night like the dawn.”

Country music rules. I wish Garth Brookes sang at Butlins.

Maybe he does? All I remember about this song was that the video featured a piano exploding with red liquid. 5:10am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 5:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early Morning

7:00am Fun Song Factory 7:10am Babar 7:35am Pocoyo 7:50am Fun Song Factory 8:00am Bug Alert! 8:25am The Sunday Programme 10:05am Teleshopping 10:25am Movies Now 10:35am Planet's Funniest Animals 11:05am Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

12:05pm Airline USA 12:35pm Airline USA 1:05pm Best Ever Muppet Time for a quick survey: favourite Muppet/Sesame Street character TV John: The scientist one with the big nose. TV Gareth told me but I forgot and can’t be arsed to ask again.

TV Ellen: Beaker TV Jane: Gonzo and Big Bird TV Me: Count Von Count 2:05pm Nanny 911 2:55pm Emmerdale Omnibus 5:40pm Coronation Street Omnibus 8:00pm Movies Now 8:10pm Married with Children 8:40pm American Idol 9:30pm American Idol Results 10:00pm Supernatural 11:00pm Test Drive My Girlfriend 11:30pm Coronation Street 12:00am Ali G Indahouse 1:45am Movies Now 2:00am ITV Play: Quizmania

Bug Alert!

five 9.05am

8:00am Dora the Explorer 8:25am Recess 8:40am Winx Club 9:05am Power Rangers SPD 9:35am SpongeBob SquarePants 9:50am American Dragon “Gee whizz Rudy, It’s hard to find a quiet cave these days. Are you going down the Mall later? I hear there are some swell hot dogs down there. Watch out for an English dude called George. He’s like totally sucky. Laters.”10:25am The Championship 11:30am The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 12:30pm Jonathan Dimbleby including ITV News and Weather 1:30am Planet's Funniest Animals 2:00pm ITV Wales News and Weather 3:20pm The Boat Race 2006 My prediction: The boat will prevail. 5:20pm Animals Do the Funniest Things 6:20pm Local News and Weather 6:30pm Celtic Monsters 7:00pm Wales Soccer Sunday 7:30pm ITV Wales News and Weather 7:45pm ITV News; Weather 8:00pm Emmerdale 8:30pm Coronation Street 9:00pm The Royal 10:00pm Agatha Christie's Poirot 12:00am ITV News 12:15am It Shouldn't Happen to a Soap Star A singing career? 1:15am F1: Australian Grand Prix Highlights 2:15am The Mint...

Has many useful properties. If you drink too much methylated spirit, you can mask the smell from your parole officer. If you’ve had some marmite you can mask the taste from your loved one. They taste good too.

4:15am Fat Chance 4:40am Redcoats 5:10am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 5:35am Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 6:00am ITV Nightscreen 6:30am ITV Early

7:00am E4 Music: Uninterrupted 2:40pm Pink: T4 Icon 3:10pm Popworld 4:00pm Young, Sexy and...

Spoiled 5:00pm Beauty and the Geek 6:00pm Friends 6:30pm Friends 7:00pm The OC 8:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years 9:00pm ER 10:00pm Invasion 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00am My Name Is Earl Rupert Viscount the third Oyster Lobster. I live in a large mansion with big windows and a tarmac driveway. I can’t remember why I started writing this. I have the attention spell of a gold, erm something. 12:30am Smallville: Superman the Early Years 1:30am The OC 2:30am ER 3:30am My Name Is Earl 4:00am Young, Sexy and...

Spoiled 5:00am Beauty and the Geek 5:30am Switched Up! 6:00am Fool Around... with My Gran.

7:00am Old Bear Stories 7:10am Aussie Antics 7:15am Bear in the Big Blue House 7:40am Jay Jay the Jet Plane 8:10am The Save-Ums! 8:25am The Save-Ums! 8:45am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs Forgive me for thinking practically, but wouldn’t it be difficult to find a bucket large enough to house more than one dinosaur? 9:00am Harry and his Bucket Full of Dinosaurs 9:20am Franklin 9:50am George Shrinks when he eats saltfish.10:25am Snobs 10:55am Michaela's Wild Challenge 11:30am Heroes of History 11:55am Blue Water High 12:30pm Round the Twist 1:00pm Rooted 1:30pm Easter in Art 2:00pm five news update 2:10pm To Be Announced 2:40pm Three Godfathers 4:45pm Lonely Are the Brave 6:45pm five news and sport 7:05pm The Mighty Ducks 9:00pm Everybody Hates Chris Patten? Reeve?

Plummer? Lee? Kross?

Akabusi? Walken?

Packham? Aguilera? Evans?

Hamilton?

9:30pm Everybody Hates Chris 10:00pm Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 12:10am World's Wildest Police Videos Doughnuts galore in this copfest. 1:05am Movie Lounge 1:50am 2006 Winter X Games 2:20am NBA Action 2:45am Major League Baseball Live 5:05am NCAA Basketball I once got hit in the face by a basketball. And a football. 6:35am Motorsport Mundial Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Happy Easter. I hope you have a shit holiday and fail all your exams. Not really.

PRIMETIME

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7:00am CBeebies:Clifford the Big Red Dog 7:15am Come Outside, it’s raining acid rain. The moon is out and the stars are shooting. There’s a layer of mist across the landfill site and the snow has fallen on the mountains of gloom. 7:30am The Roly Mo Show 7:45am The Koala Brothers 8:00am CBBC:Batfink 8:10am Arthur 8:30am The Cramp Twins 8:45am BB3B 9:10am Feather Boy 11:00am Sunday Style 12:30pm To Be Announced 1:30pm Sunday Grandstand 5:10pm Animal Park 6:10pm Natural World 7:00pm Coast 8:00pm Top of the Pops 8:35pm Malcolm in the Middle 9:00pm Ray Mears's Extreme Survival The following is a list of items that should be included in a basic survival kit 1.Waterproof matches or a disposable lighter. 2.Fire starter 3.Rigid blade knife 4.Folding saw 5.Compass 6.Live wildfowl in a sack 7.Signal mirror 8.Flashlight 9.Plastic tarp 10.50 to 100 feet of nylon cord (1/8 inch is adequate) 11.First aid kit 12.Coins for pay phones (here again a 35mm film container works well) 13.Full canteen 14.Emergency food rations 15.Mascara 16.Ray Mears 17.Police whistle 18.Toilet paper 10:00pm Insurgency 11:30pm Match of the Day 2 11:45pm On Show 12:15am Film: Fight Club 2:00am Joins BBC News 24 3:00am Make Your Mark: Snakes and Ladders Let me tell you a story about my fellow TV-desker, Mr TV John.

John is excessively terrified of snakes. On a fear scale of oneto-ten, he puts himself as a “ten”, yet he sleeps in a bed full of toy snakes. 4:00am At Work

R

7:00am Breakfast 8:45am Match of the Day 10:00am Sunday AM 11:00am The Heaven and Earth Show 12:00pm Bargain Hunt 12:30pm Countryfile 1:00pm The Politics Show 2:00pm Keeping Up Appearances 3:45pm EastEnders 5:40pm Points of View 6:00pm Songs of Praise 6:35pm Holiday 10 Best 7:15pm Last of the Summer Wine 7:45pm Antiques Roadshow 8:35pm BBC News; Regional News; Weather 9:00pm Mayo 10:00pm Planet Earth 11:00pm BBC News; Weather 11:15pm Panorama 11:55pm Film: True Identity By day I masquerade as a mildly flamboyant student with a penchant for brightly coloured eyeshadow, sparkly items of clothing, tea and cats. At night I am transformed into a mildly flamboyant TV Editor with a penchant for brightly coloured eyeshadow, sparkly items of clothing, tea and cats.

1:35pm The Sky at Night. Time for moore facts: 1) Patrick Moore is Rodger Moore’s son.

2) Alicia Moore adopted the name “Pink” because she had a pet pink flamingo named “Pink”.

3) Thurston Moore of Sonic Youth fame, can’t go on a sunbed again after badly burning his nipples in the late 1990’s.

2:00am Sign Zone:Holby City 3:00am Sign Zone:A Passion for Churches Charlotte Church is named after the Church of St. Charlotte of Yemen in Santa Monica.3:30am Sign Zone: Accidents Can Happen 4:15am Joins BBC News 24 is the secret codename for “Operation Pork Scratchings.”

American Dragon

PRIMETIME

C4 6.30pm

PRIMETIME

Celtic Monsters

BBC4 8pm

PRIMETIME

029 20229977

The Sting

P

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

7:10am The Hoobs 7:35am The Hoobs 8:00am Trans World Sport 8:55am Freesports on 4 9:25am Hollyoaks 12:00pm One Tree Hill 1:00pm Maniffesto 1:30pm Yr Wythnos 2:00pm Rownd a Rownd 2:25pm Rownd a Rownd 2:55pm Y Clwb Pel-Droed 5:00pm Y Clwb Rygbi 7:00pm Newyddion 7:05pm Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 9:00pm Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9:30pm Cefn Gwlad 10:00pm Pwll Aur David Davies 10:30pm Newyddiion BUGABOO: This is an uncertain one.

Bugaboo, which means 'something, esp. an imaginary thing, that causes fear or worry; goblin; bugbear; bogey', has a few complications. The earliest form of the word, found in the middle of the eighteenth century, is buggy-bow; the form bugaboo is not found until later in the eighteenth century. The second element is usually assumed to be from boo!, the interjection used to frighten.

Five Minute Fun

March 27 2006

Page 31

eatmysudokuoflove@gairrhydd.com

HALL OF SHAME

SUDOKU 8

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ACROSS

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hy oh why would you do some of the things that we get sent pictures of? Needless to say that, although they can’t all be printed, it’s good to see you students looking on the brighter side of life.Keep’em coming in.

9

4

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1 Butter substitute (9) 8 Brief turbulent storm (6) 9 Disparaging remark (6) 10 Peak (8) 13 Stun, stupefy (4) 15 Cut, detach (5) 17 Foe (5) 19 Work for, merit (4) 20 Put off, delay (8) 23 Female garment (6) 24 Observe steadily (6) 25 Oblong (9)

Students in hi-jinx shock

Look down...

She’s pretty hot. Even with the moustache.

Student in naked shocker

...magina

Special kids party ends in disaster as James escapes from asylum

DOWN 8

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2 Obtain (7) 3 Particle of sand (5) 4 Historical object (5) 5 Ingenuous (5) 6 Bravery (7) 7 Portable power source (7) 11 Distinctive personal air (4) 12 Lariat (5) 14 Chair (4) 15 Fizzy powder (7) 16 Diverse (7) 18 Cur (7) 20 Bit (5) 21 Walk pompously (5) 22 Heathen (5)

‘Scopes & Jobs

Page 32

March 27 2006

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Helping the needy

with Fray Bentos & Uncle Ben ‘A grain of truth in every slice’

ARIES - Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

Once again Meningitis is this seasons must have accessory. Stylish on every occasion, you can dress it up or dress is down. Try wearing yours will some polka dots a chunky gold bracelet and finish off with some leg warmers that you found in a skip. Really ties the look together. Well done on successfully distracting that rat long enough to get the left one out of his arse (Us neither - Ed.) He may have felt some discomfort but I’m sure the sherbet dip dab you bribed him with was worth it.

Lucky horse colour: Piebald

TAURUS - Apr. 21 - May 21

Hi! Im Barry Scott, do you suffer with genital warts? Just one squirt with new Clitit Bang and the itching is gone! In fact you can treat any STI with our new formula (external use only) this old muff…. Good as new! You love that don’t you Barry, you dirty fucker. Probably how you got the clap in the first place.

Lucky book: The Life of Pi

GEMINI - May 22 - Jun 22

I can see your stars this week are filled with panic attacks, heart palpitations and a sore brough through a bought of haemorrhoids.

Beware the muffins from your neighbour as they are filled with a deadly draft designed to turn you into a ninja. You will use your new found ninja status to fight crime.

You will become the love child of Inspector Gadget and the Karate Kid. Lucky tinned good: Fray Bentos Pie

CANCER - June 23 - July 23

Once upon a time there were four bunnies. Flopsy, mopsy, cotton tail and goat sniffer. And they were delicious. The End. Lucky bird: Magpie

LEO - July 24 - Aug 23

Ideally we would all like to be inspired by our work, but as you will end up in a slaughter house, this may be a little difficult. Try not to take your work home with you as it will most likely make a mess on your sofa. Blood is a bugger to get out, even Cillit Bang isn’t up to the job. I recommend complaining directly to Barry Scott about the poor cleaning power of this product. It may work on ‘this old penny, good as new’ but it falls far from the mark where entrails are concerned.

Lucky pie pastry: Puff

VIRGO - Aug 24 - Sept 23

When someone goes back on what they promised you this week feel free to twat them in the face with a glazed ham. That’ll teach ‘em. Try to make your work environment more stimulating with as much porn, brightly coloured streamers and piñatas of your boss as you can. You will come into money this week by fighting a tramp for his big issue earnings. You will win but only with the power of the ham.

Lucky bacteria from a pie: Ecoli

LIBRA - Sept. 24 - Oct. 23

Your mission this week, should you choose to accept it is to snort and entire bag of sherbet lemons through your nose. You will then proceed to spend your entire life

savings on your craving for the sugary goodness. Prove your mother right by becoming the best addict you can be. By Friday however you will be forced to sell your body on the street for loose change and dib dabs. Beware the nine fingered man.

Lucky Food: Pie

SCORPIO - Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

Swydd/Job:

Teachers

Swydd/Job:

P/T Clerical

Ardal/Area:

Various locations throughout UK

Ardal/Area:

Assistant/Receptionist

Tal/Wage:

From £232.30 per week

Tal/Wage:

Splott, Cardiff

Oriau/Hours:

39 hours per week over 6 days

Oriau/Hours:

£6 per hour

I saw your future today and it wasn’t pretty, then I realised I was looking at Uncle Ben’s arsehole. I saw a tramp wanking in a park and thought it was you. And sadly, it was. Next time you want to increase your carnal knowledge of yourself try and be more discreet.

Otherwise it’ll be exactly like that time in primary school when your teacher caught you and Sarah behind the bike sheds. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. Mind you, if it works for Uncle Ben… Lucky music based televisual show: The Pieface Showcase.

SAGITTARIUS - Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die! Or you could prepare some instant brownie mix or your surface. I recommend a good sanding. Nothing else will get rid of that grease. Nothing, except NEW CILILT BANG with added lime (homeowners only).

Lucky food under two inches high: Pie in a can

Parhad/Duration: Summer Vacation (dates vary)

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing

Manylion/Details: Summer school provider with

Manylion/Details: Company which provides health

If you were a tree you’d be a sapling and I would be a mighty oak. One day if you’re lucky you will have squirrels in your trunk hiding their nuts. Only time will tell if you will become a giant redwood or get stricken down with Dutch elm disease. My advice to you this week is to avoid any sort of dog and chainsaw Jack as they will both feel they urge to piss on your leg. Watch out one of them has a chainsaw.

Lucky power tool: Nail gun (free with pie – collect 7 lids.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

CAPRICORN - Dec. 22 - Jan. 20

over 20 locations throughout the

& social care staff requires a p/t

UK needs teachers to provide

clerical assistant/receptionist.

academic EFL tuition as part of

Hours: 3-5pm Mon-Fri (during

their programme.

term-time) & 9am-5pm at other times. Please ask for details.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

099

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

100

Swydd/Job:

Temp Nursery Assistants x 2

Swydd/Job:

Bar Staff x 6-8

Ardal/Area:

Central Cardiff

Ardal/Area:

Cardiff Bay

Tal/Wage:

£5.05 per hour

Tal/Wage:

£5.05 per hour

Oriau/Hours:

11am-4pm

Oriau/Hours:

Parhad/Duration: June-August 2006

Parhad/Duration: From now until end of summer

Manylion/Details: Children’s private daycare nurs

Manylion/Details: Bar staff required for 6-12 hours

ery requires 2 assistants for

per week (mostly weekends).

lunch cover. You should be

Applicants should be of smart

patient with a friendly, approach

appearance, reliable & honest.

able nature.

Experience preferred but not essential.

101

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

102

UNISTAFF JOBSHOP is a great FREE service for students. We are here to help you find part-time work while you study. Work is available within the University and Students' Union as well as with local companies. You can choose from one-off assignments or more regular part-time work. Once registered with us, you will receive regular free updates of new vacancies as they come in via email. The Jobshop is based on the ground floor of the Students' Union (opening hours 10am-4pm Monday-Friday).

Telephone: 029 20781535, Email: jobshop@cf.ac.uk

Car Owner Drivers Required

AQUARIUS - Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the A-Team. (Insert random shooting noises here) duh duh duh duh duh duh duh…. You get where I’m going with this. Lucky A-Team member: Face – he like de pies

PISCES - Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 This week you will take over from Derek Acorah as the resident Geordie psychic. Yes people will laugh and rip this piss out of you as you struggle to prove your gift for contacting the unknown. But let me assure you that they will be laughing on the other side of their faces come Sunday when you finally manage to get in touch with your Aunt Urma using your little black book. Pervert.

Lucky pie: Fray Bentos Steak and Kidney.

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Jobs & Money

Page 33

March 27 2006

jobs@gairrhydd.com

Are you experienced?

Work experience: we all know we should have it, but how and where can we get it? Jobs & Money speak to Cardiff’s Career guru, Kathryn Foot

By Nicola Menage Jobs and Money Editor

I

t’s been drummed into us ever since we embarked on our degree course: that academic work alone simply won’t cut the mustard anymore.

Instead of employers favouring graduates with a first class degree and a smattering of work experience on the side, an impressive academic record now seems increasingly less important to employers than a demonstration of skills gained outside your degree.

In a recent KPMG report, for example, 56% of employers said that work experience was the most important quality a candidate could possess; only 9 percent voted for a relevant degree.

This week Jobs and Money talks to Kathryn Foot, Cardiff University’s careers service manager, to ask how students should best go about gaining this experience, where to look and how to make the most of the experience.

She begins by highlighting the problems that graduates are now facing: “Last year over 300,000 students graduated from universities around the country. Yet there were just 20,000 graduate jobs available. This is a huge short fall. Even a degree from a top university like Cardiff is just not going to be good enough any more.”

She adds: “There is a lot of pressure on students now to live up the increasing expectations of employers. This is why time management is key while at university, in order to juggle academic work with extra activities.

“It is for this reason why gaining

HENDRIX: “It pays to be experienced” (not official quote) work experience in the first year can be so useful. It is the one year where, generally, students have the most time to spare.”

She then explains what kinds of things count as work experience, emphasising how students can best make use of the skills they already have from activities they may not consider is of any relevance: “Even having a part-time job is valuable experience, as long as you sell it in the right way on your C.V. Don’t just say “I only worked as a

Interview skills

By Gill Roberts Jobs Reporter IT IS NOT enough today for students to simply gain a good degree and think this is enough to impress at interview.

Demonstration of work-experience placements, skills and a real involvement at university are becoming more and more important to employers.

Jobs and money spoke to Julie Hepburn from the university careers service to gain some valuable interview tips.

“Before going into the interview make sure that you know about your employer and have a clear idea about why you want the job with the particular organisation or company and not another. What we are finding are that graduates are leaving it until the last minute.

Students should not rush applications and must make preparations,” she advises.

Yet she also stresses that it is important to not plan answers

fully, as this may distract you, and will not look as natural. She also mentions that employers may try to catch interviewees out by commenting on something students have done at university that could potentially portray them in a bad light. Interviewers may, for example, ask why you had to re-take your first year. Try and turn this around and demonstrate the positive aspects that have emerged, and things you have learned from any experience.

When asked what students can do to make a good impression, Julie Hepburn comments: “It is not just about what you say, but the whole package. The interview is just the tip of the iceberg. You have to show by application and in the interview that you are well-prepared, enthusiastic and are willing to give something to the job.”

The careers service is open all summer and welcomes students and graduates to use their resources and ask for help. They can be found at www.cf.ac.uk/careers.

waitress,” but identify the skills that were gained from the job such as negotiation, communication or team-working skills. It is all relevant.

“Work shadowing is also so useful to do whilst at university. You may not get paid but just doing a couple of days gives you the chance to meet important people and make contacts. Often, it can be just as much about who you know as what you know. Making a good impression and making yourself known gives you a better chance of the possibility of returning to the company

on a placement or after you graduate.

Gaining this work-shadowing experience shouldn’t be too difficult but will require a bit of effort. Be sure to research companies you are interested in via the careers service or on the internet, for example, and send out a speculative application. This is a C.V .plus a covering letter, explaining why you are interested in their company. In fact, with the Go Wales Work Tasters Scheme, we will do a lot of the legwork for you.”

She stresses that there is always

support at the careers service to help students with many aspects of gaining work-experience, plus schemes such as the Yomping and SIFE scheme for students interested in gaining skills in business.

They also give help with practical issues such as putting together an impressive C.V. to help sell your skills.

“When applying for work experience placements for specific areas within law, psychology or journalism, for example, a generic C.V. is no good. It is important to use the resources available to find out as much about the firms you are applying to in order to tailor your speculative application to suit them. For these subjects especially, work experience is vital. Without it it just looks as if you have no interest in that field. Employers just won’t be interested.

“Every subject field also has their various preferences. For example, many subjects within the media sector prefer you to send a C.V. on one page only. It is important to do your research, be persistent and toughskinned.”

She sums up by saying that even in the third year it is not too late to gain work experience.

“Doing four sets of work tasters for two days at a time will not take up a great deal of students’ time but will give them something to put on their C.V. Work tasters can really compliment an application.

Most importantly, employers are looking for someone who can show that they have made the most of their time at university, are interesting and generally well-rounded people.”

gairrhydd.com CARDIFF’S STUDENT MEDIA ONLINE READ IT FIRST quench.gairrhydd.com Quench Online > Arts > Bastian Springs > Blind Date > Books > Cult Classics > Debate > Digital > Fashion > Features > Film > Food > Gay > Going Out > Interviews > Mr Chuffy > Music > One Trick Pony > Reviews > Travel > Tunnel Vision Because we can > Be the first to read Quench > Online.

Page 34

s g n i t Lis

Recommended listings@gairrhydd.com

The only gair rhydd listings with This Week: Ok Go, Blood Brothers, new sabbatical

Paddy McGuinness @ St. David s Hall Sun. April 2 8pm/£15 Brookes recommends

P

atrick McGuinness appears to be a man on a mission.

McGuiness’s tour (now on its second leg) is called Dark Side and you know what, there might be something in that.

Stepping out of the looming shadow cast by his comedy partner and best mate Peter Kay, McGuinness finally gets his chance to shine. Yet this is going to be very different to the current golden boy of British comedy Kay, but more on that later.

Obviously he is now a well known star for his show stealing turns in That Peter Kay Thing, Phoenix Nights and of course Max & Paddy, but these were not his first comedy outings.

Before he got his big break star-

Blood Brothers

@ New Theatre

Ok Go

Tues. March 28

@ CF10

7.30pm/£Contact

Mon March 27

venue.

7.30pm / £7.50

Schmit recommends

W

hether it’s because you’ve laughed yourself into a minor spasm, eaten yourself into a state of morbid obesity, or becuase of that O’Neills sandwich bar that you never ate at, you’ll be familiar with Cardiff University’s latest music venue, CF10.

Yes CF10. Seems hard to believe that hundreds of sweaty fans could be squeezed into this small room, but to be honest the prospect should do nothing other than excite you.

What should excite you further is that Ok Go (remember they had

Harris recommends

that hit Get Over It) will be one of the first bands to grace it with their infectiously jerky indie.

Things may have been rather quiet on the Ok Go front recently, but this may be about to change.

After releasing their second album Oh No in August of last year, they are ready to once again hit Britain (and more relevantly Cardiff University), and again send us into fits of excitement and hype about this band who over the last few years have taken somewhat of a backseat in the rise to popularity of indie music in Britain.

Interestingly their video for latest track A Million Ways, was

March 27th 2006

filmed for the oh so rock n’ roll price of ten dollars. All it took was a choreographed dance, a back garden and a video camera belonging to a friend.

I have to say I’m absolutely baffled that this hasn’t sold out, with this venue being seemingly even smaller than Listings’ favourite, the Barfly, and the band causing quite a lot of hype as little as two years a g o .

Unsure?

Trust me. Just (Ok) go.

P ic k e of th k We e

M

onday sees the first date of an 11-day run of Willy Russell’s acclaimed musical Blood Brothers. The production has endured a record breaking Broadway run, spent 18 years in the West End and been nominated for seven Tony Awards.

The Liverpool-set story follows twin brothers who are separated at birth but reunited by a twist of fate and a secret held by their mother.

Originally commissioned for secondary school children in 1981, Blood Brothers was rewritten in 1982 by Russell into a musical and then staged for the first time the following year. It was later transferred to Shaftesbury Avenue, London where, starring Barbara Dickinson, it became a big hit.

With the part of Mrs Johnstone

ring in the aforementioned shows, McGuinness had been performing stand-up for many years. His wonderful performances on screen and stage have now made him a household name and this current tour will be his biggest to date.

However for those of you assuming that the family-friendly observational styles of Peter Kay would have rubbed off on Paddy, you may be in for a surprise. This is where McGuinness lets his dark side loose on the public.

In the words of McGuinness himself, don't expect tales of little boys sliding across their knees at weddings, it's less about the wedding party and more about the wedding night. Obviously this might not be for everyone but his blokey demeanour and distinct Bolton style of humour will undoubtedly give him huge appeal and there's no reason why he cannot echo the success of his good friend Kay. McGuinness's comedy may not be particularly big and clever but it is confident, assured, and of course incredibly funny. He is joined tonight by Rod Woodward, but tonight’s show will be all about McGuinness.

Book yourself a ticket and make sure not to miss this eagerly anticipated performance. Welcome to the Dark Side.

then played by a variety of other theatre actresses, and strangely, singers Kiki Dee and Carole King, the musical, by then an international hit, also saw a young Russell Crowe playing the part of Mickey.

It deals with the issues of inequality and unemployment, set at the time of the Thatcher-era miners’ strikes. A destitute single mother (Mrs Johnstone) has to give away one of her baby sons as she cannot afford to keep them both, so one (Eddie) goes to the rich Mrs Lyons, for whom Johnstone works as a cleaner, and her other son Mickey stays to grow up in her Liverpool council house.

Despite the boys’ economic differences, they form a childhood friendship, not knowing they are brothers, but later life has tragic consequences, as they are both trapped by their respective class restrictions.

While predominantly tragic, the production has many comedic moments, and is a rare part of British theatre in that it has an international appeal despite its dealing with poverty, superstition and class in a uniquely British way, making it one of those plays that everyone must see.

Coming Up

Panic! At The Disco - Weds 19 April @ Great Hall ... Arctic Monkeys - Fri 21 April @ Newport Centre ... Ordinary Boys - Sun 30 April @ Students’ Union ... Snow Patrol - Weds 3 May @ Students’ Union ... Dylan Moran - Sun 6 May @ St. David’s Hall ... Boy Kill Boy / The Automatic / iForward, Russia! - Mon 7 May @ Great Hall ... The Zutons - Mon 21 May @ Great Hall

Arctic Mon ke ys

March 27 2006

Day By Day

Page 35

listings@gairrhydd.com

with Schmit, Harris & Brookes Irish musical shenanigans, and Peter Kay’s friend

Monday27/03

Live @ CF10 Ok Go. Dumb but catchy American rockers responsible for Get Over It pull up their tourbus in Cardiff. 7.30pm. Contact venue for price. See facing page for details.

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS. £3 otherwise.

X Factory @ The Taf Legendary Xpress DJs. 9pm-1am FREE New Noise @ Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Milk @ Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu-jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Stereogum @ The Union Rock, metal, punk and electro. The Union in town that is. 9pm. £2 with flyer.

I-Candy @ Tiger Tiger 5 rooms, 5 bars, 2 dancing rooms, private booths. Rooms galore and lots of dancing. £3/4 NUS. Monday Live @ Buffalo Bar The latest rock and indie tunes. 9pm - 2am. £2/3.

Parked @ The Social (Salsbury Rd) New weekly live indie music night. Check it out, could be good. 8pm. £2 before 9pm.

Tuesday28/03

Comedy Club @ CF10, SU The weekly comedy night in CF10. See the posters around the Union for this weeks line up. 8-11pm £4 NUS Soul Motion@ Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach Many years ago (somewhere in the 80s), Cardiff University Rock Society started a small rock disco... 9pm. £2.50 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Oceansize / Pure Reason Revolution Oceansize write songs about things like love and having one arm, with an aural range of melancholy to a ridiculously loud guitar noise. Pure Reason Revolution are an ethereal, epic indie rock band that calls on the spirits of rock gods past. Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and the Beach Boys are all worshipped at their altar. £7.50. 7.30pm.

PickOf The Day Live @ Barfly Mendeed / Four Ways To Fall / Ill System For all you rockers out there, Mendeed are a Glaswegian band playing intense metallic hardcore with industrial strength guitar riffage, and have already supported Anthrax and My Ruin. Catch them while they’re still up and coming £5. 7:30pm.

Wednesday29/03

Rubber Duck @ Solus, SU You can come here to have the odd drink. By odd I mean something like snakebites, or turbo shandies. Mixing is good.10pm. £3.

Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Popscene mob run riot with a splattering of guile, style and the best new music: aucous 'indie' and the like, heavily laden with guitars throughout. 9.30pm. £3.

Traffic @ Philharmonic Cardiff’s DJ and club bing society takes over the decks, playing house music until 1 in the morning. 9pm.

Panic @ Barfly The very latest and greatest Indie hits. A brand spanking new FREE ENTRY clubnight.

10.30pm.

Eay the DJ @ Buffalo Bar Resident DJs. FREE. Roots Hall @ Moloko Resident DJs / Phoenix Emily / DJ Truth. 8pm.

FREE. Pick Of The Day Jazz @ Café Jazz Cardiff Student Jazz Society presents…

The Dolan Nash Jazz Project. Cardiff Student Jazz Society continues to bring Cardiff’s brightest young jazz talent to the Café with this excellent quartet which counts the Glastonbury Festival’s Jazz Lounge amongst their recent engagements. Expect interpretations of old standards alongside modern classics by the likes of Kenny Wheeler and Tom Harrell, with a few originals thrown in for good measure, courtesy of Dolan Jones (trumpet), Rebecca Nash (piano), Will Harris (bass) and Ben Kalbfkopf (drums). 8.30pm start £3 (£2 Cardiff Student Jazz Society)

PickOf The Day Live @ Barfly Club Good Shoes/ Rumble Strips. Good Shoes are a London-based rock and pop band, who apparently play very fun, very catchy and great to dance to. They’ve toured with the Young Knives and are heavily inspired by the Futureheads and Maxïmo Park.

Support Rumble Strips are said to sound like Dexy’s Midnight Runners, which is always good. Bring those dungerees. £5.

7.30pm.

Comedy @ St David’s Hall Laughing Matters presents: Political Comedy Night:John Oliver/ Andy Zaltzman.

John Oliver is a former writer for Smack The Pony and the 11 O'Clock Show, Andy Zaltzman is a rising star with a deadpan delivery and a wit drier than a very dry martini. He was a finalist in the Open Mic Awards 2000 in Edinburgh. 8pm. £7.

Live @ Coal Exchange The Levellers / Damien Dempsey. Irish musical shenanigans. 7.30pm. £16.

Friday 31/03

Saturday01/04

Sunday02/04

Fat Friday @ Solus, SU If you go you will drink, and drinking makes you fat. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, Retro, Legendary Sounds (downstairs) 10.30pm – 2.30am. £3.50/ £4.

Mad4It! @ Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever. 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Chaos @ Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Full Fat @ Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm.

Audio Velvet @ Buffalo Bar Weekly party action of new music mixed with beat driven mayhem from the past, present and future. 8pm. £2/3.

Casino Black @ Molokos DJ Jaffa & Paul B / DJ Moneyshot & Saul / DJ Jawa & Optimas Prime / DJ Parker & Spud.

A massive night featuring the best hip-hop and drum’n’bass that Cardiff has to offer. 8pm. £3.

Free entry before 11pm Live @ Barfly The Organ / Strange Idols / Juliet. A five piece outfit from Canada playing exciting Hammond organ fuelled indie rock.

Inner City Pirates @ Clwb Ifor Bach, Formerly the local gods of foul-mouthed blues My Red Cell. Now back as Inner City Pirates this is a chance to catch this cult band of Welsh rock nutters playing in their own backyard. 8pm. £5

Come Play @ Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. TRAFFIC (DJ and clubbing socitey) playing house music in the other. 10pm. £3.50.

Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Latin in the Xpress Lounge. 10pm-2am. £3.50 Fly Swatter @ Barfly All the best alternative music from yesteryear lined up with current dance floor fillers to make your weekend throb with brilliance.10.30pm. £3 NUS. Hellbent! @ The Model Inn, Quay Street The only city centre rock night on a Saturday.

9pm - 2am.

Delinquent @ Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Clwb Cariad @ Clwb Ifor Bach Contemporary Welsh Sounds (downstairs) £4/3 10pm – 2.30am.

Live @ Barfly The Answer / Zenyth / The Teeth. The Answer are a four-piece rock band from Northern Ireland. Described as a mix of Led Zeppelin, Free, The Who and Black Crowes, The Answer's bluesy, riff heavy hard rock is starting to turn heads. 7.30pm. £6 Cardiff University Choir and Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Czech night at the Hall with solo violinist Cerys Jones, winner of the 2004 Kenneth Loveland Gift award. That’s good apparently 7.30pm. £5-£15

Pick Of The Day Live @ Tafod (Riverbank Hotel) Zabrinski. Toured with Super Furry Animals on their UK tour last year, and this gig will be their first since touring with them and Goldie Lookin’ Chain.There will be DJ sets from Tom Bon Jovi and Guto from SFA. 9pm. £5.

Pick Of The Day Chambers & Nettleton / Gavin Webster / Joe Rooney @ Jongleurs Comedy Club A mammoth show featuring something for everybody. Expect weirdness, improvisation aplenty and a Geordie. Great stuff.

7pm. £10

Cleverdick Quiz @ The Taf, SU They provide the questions, you provide the answers. In my case, the wrong ones.

MedClub Quiz @ MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

Pub Quiz @ Woodville Yet another Sunday night quiz to ponder over. 7pm.

Acoustic Night @ Moloko 7pm-2am. £1.

Open Mic @ Buffalo Bar Live acoustic acts, songwriters, bands and performers every week. 8pm. £2.

Pick Of The Day Mogwai @ Coal Exchange Tumultuous indie rock with the emphasis on epic, Mogwai's music has an almost orchestral feel to it, thanks to its huge scale. Rich and luscious in its atmosphere and texture, here's a group that really will take you on a trip to somewhere very special. This will be an unmissable show.

8pm. £12.50.

Live @ Barfly Controller Controller / Dead! Dead! Dead! / Victorian English Gentlemen’s Club. So good they named them twice and thrice! A night of exciting and innovative guitar rock.

7.30pm. £5 Comedy @ St David’s Hall Paddy McGuinness / Rod Woodward. The star of Phoenix Nights and Max & Paddy (not Peter Kay I’m afraid) comes to Cardiff.

See opposite page for furtherdetails. 8pm. £15.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach I Am The Door / Corona Jones / El Sid / Stiridion. A great selection of bands to ease you into a new week. 7.30pm. £6 The Fourth Chair @ The Social Some great improvised comedy. 7.30pm.

FREE.

Thursday30/03

Bar FTSE @ Taf Cardiff Students’ new favourite night, with a gair rhydd social in attendance? What more could you want? 7pm.

Livewire @ Barfly Firing up every metal cylinder, punk piston, and hardcore harddrive. Good music, no dress code, and idiot free... FREE Cheapskates @ Metros Now on Thursday nights. Alternative & cheese.

Does exactly what it say on the tin. Double and a mixer cost 99p. 9pm-2am.

Aperture @ Moloko Resident DJs / High Contrast / True Meaning / Specific / DJ Focus / DJ Haze / DJ Cujo / Carnage / Fresco / West One. 8pm. FREE before 11pm.

Clubnight @ La Tropicana Hip-hop and R &B student night. 10pm.

Cookie Puss @ Buffalo Bar The real deal mix of non re-issue funk 45s, soul melodies, afro, freakbeat and a nice bit of jazz.

9pm. £2/3.

Loco @ La Tantra Open until 4am.

Raise the Roof @ Journeys Local live music - different genres each week.

Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Ladyfuzz. Rocking and rolling trio from London, sounding like female-fronted artrock bands such as Sleater Kinney, Lush and Elastica. Rock and Roll! £5. 7.30pm.

Live @ Coal Exchange In Flames / Sepultura. In their role as purveyors of thrash Swedish death metal, In Flames do not disappoint, having been around since 1990. Brazilian thrash metal band Sepuiltra give able support, going beyond the usual metal fare with lyrics that deal with political and environmental issues, though death, gloom and blackness are of course not forgotten. £15. 7pm.

VENUES Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com The Point, Cardiff Bay 029 2046 0873. www.thepointcardiffbay.com

Deloitte IMG

March 27 2006

Page 37

weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

THE FULL IMG BREAKFAST IMG RUGBY TABLE IMG Rugby

(23/3/06) P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

URGENT NOTICE: IMG Football Fixtures have been rearrranged yet again.

See below: Week 3- Prem and Div 2 (Sun 26 March)

1

Carbs A

7

7

0

0

207

21

2

Stoma

9

6

0

3

98

18

Week 4 (Wed 29 March)

3

Masts

7

5

1

1

121

16

4

Engine

7

5

0

2

52

15

Week 3- Div 1 and Div 3 (Sun 30 April)

5

Carbs B

7

4

1

2

-59

13

Week 5 (Wed 26 April)

6

Medics

8

3

0

5

-161

9

Week 6 (Wed 3 May)

7

Pharmacy

7

2

1

4

-4

7

8

SAWSA

9

2

1

6

-19

7

9

Gym Gym

7

2

0

5

-79

6

10

Law

7

0

0

7

-135

0

IMG Rugby Results

IMG Football Fixtures Sun 26 Mar

(Pontcanna, 11am kick-off) Carbs v Law A (7) Locomotive v Cardiff Uni (8)

Fri 17 Mar

IMG Rugby Fixtures

Carbs A 15 - 13 Law

Wed 29 Mar

Sun 19 Mar Carbs B 5 - 0 Masts Law 8 - 21 Medics

(Pontcanna, 2pm kick-off) Economics v Pharm AC (7) Chem Soc v Arse’Alona (8)

Carbs A v Pharmacy Engine v Masts Carbs B v Gym Gym

(Llanrumney, 2pm kick-off) English Soc JOMEC Real Havana Myg Myg

Wed 22 Mar Gym Gym 5 - 33 Stoma Masts 22 - 7 Pharmacy Engine 29 - 16 SAWSA

v v v v

Psycho Ath. AFC Euros AFC Momed Dynamo Cen.

(7) denotes Pitch 7, (8) = Pitch 8

IMG Football Results Wed 22 Mar

Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A

2 0 1 5

-

1 0 0 0

Pharm AC Arse’Alona Chem Soc Economics

History Law B Zoology Automotive

4 0 4 2

-

0 4 1 6

Hurricanes Ab. Fantastic Dragons Gym Gym

English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.

2 0 3 2

-

3 1 3 0

AFC Momed Dynamo Cen. Myg Myg Real Havana

Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras

3 1 5 2

-

2 1 1 0

Plan’kos Architecture Inter Me-Nan AFC Cathays

IMG Football Fixtures Wed 29 Mar

Carbs Locomotive Cardiff Uni Law A

v v v v

Economics Chem Soc Arse’Alona Pharm AC

History Law B Zoology Automotive

v v v v

Gym Gym Dragons Ab. Fantastic Hurricanes

English Soc JOMEC AFC Euros Psycho Ath.

v v v v

Real Havana Myg Myg Dynamo Cen. AFC Momed

Euros Lang Dental Utd Japsoc Real Madras

v v v v

AFC Cathays Inter Me-Nan Architecture Plan’kos

MOMED MOVE AHEAD

By Dave Menon IMG Editor

IN A PULSATING game that lived up to all expectations, Momed secured a vital 3-2 victory over title-rivals English and opened up a three-point lead at the top of Division Two. Momed made a dream start to proceedings by taking the lead in the first minute. The English, defence were caught napping as James Woodroof slotted home from close range.

However, English responded well to this early setback and fashioned an equaliser twelve minutes later. Midfielder Kris La-Borde neatly controlled a lofted ball, before finding the top corner in a crowded penalty area.

A game of chess in the midfield soon developed as both sides

menon on the match FOOTBALL

NUMBER OF GOALS: 59 Goals, 3.6875 goals per game WHIPPING BOYS: Economics, a 5-0 defeat to Law A. SURPRISE PACKAGE: Locomotive for derailing Arse’Alona’s 100% record this season. Well done.

EPIC GAMES: English v Momed, AFC Euros v Myg Myg and Euros Lang v Plan’kos.

CONSISTENT PERFORMERS: Carbs, History, Ab. Fan, Momed, Euros Lang for taking 9 points in Phase 2.

TEAM OF THE WEEK: A tough one. Dental get the gong for recording their first IMG point this season. Keep up the good work lads.

scrapped to gain the upper hand.

In the 40th minute, English centre-back Dean Simmonds saw a header crash against the bar following an Adam Chapman freekick.

A minute later, the English defence switched off again as Momed restored their lead. The ball should have been cleared before Chris Allen drilled it home from 16 yards.

English rallied after the break and the introduction of top-scorer Vince Bailey gave them a new dimension in attack.

Bailey blazed over in the 50th minute, and Ned Riley shot narrowly wide in the 61st minute.

However, English scored moments later thanks to the award of a debatable penalty. Momed defender Anthony Corradi was penalised for a handball when blocking a shot from Chris Smith.

Bailey dispatched the resulting spot-kick with aplomb and set up a tense finish.

In the latter stages, Corradi and Allen went close for Momed with headers, whilst Bailey missed two chances at the other end.

But it was Momed who struck the crucial blow with five minutes left. Top-scorer Asher Pirri sent the Momed faithful into raptures with a low shot into the bottom corner.

English frantically pushed bodies forward but a third equaliser proved to be elusive.

However, they almost found a breakthrough when the ever-present La-Borde saw a cracking piledriver ruled out deep into stoppage time.

DELOITTE IMG FOOTBALL ROUND 3 IMG Football

Premiership P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

3

0

0

3

9

1

Carbs

3

2

Arse’Alona

3

2

1

0

4

7

3

Law A

3

1

1

1

3

4

4

Locomotive

3

1

1

1

1

4

5

Cardiff Uni

3

1

1

1

0

4

6

Chem Soc

3

1

0

2

-3

3

7

Economics

3

1

0

2

-5

3

8

Pharm AC

3

0

0

3

-3

0

IMG Football

Division One P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

1

History

3

3

0

0

10

9

2

Ab. Fantastic

3

3

0

0

9

9

3

Gym Gym

3

2

0

1

11

6

4

Zoology

3

2

0

1

1

6

5

Law B

3

1

0

2

-3

3

6

Dragons

3

1

0

2

-10

3

7

Automotive

3

0

0

3

-9

0

8

Hurricanes

3

0

0

3

-9

0

IMG Football

Division Two P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

3

0

0

8

9

1

AFC Momed

3

2

English Soc

3

2

0

1

3

6

3

Dynamo Cen.

3

2

0

1

1

6

4

AFC Euros

3

1

1

1

2

4

5

Psycho Ath.

3

1

1

1

-1

4

6

Real Havana

3

1

0

2

-1

3

7

JOMEC

3

0

1

2

-2

1

8

Myg Myg

3

0

1

2

-8

1

IMG Football

Division Three P

W

D

L

Diff

Pts

3

0

0

5

9

1

Euros Lang

3

2

Japsoc

3

2

0

1

6

6

3

Real Madras

3

2

0

1

1

6

4

Architecture

3

1

2

0

1

5

5

Plan’kos

3

1

0

2

2

3

6

AFC Cathays

3

0

2

1

-2

2

7

Dental Utd

3

0

1

2

-5

1

8

Inter Me-Nan

3

0

1

2

-8

1

AHEAD OF THE GAME

FOOTBALL:

On Sunday, Carbs v Law A could be the game to watch.

Carbs, the current Premiership leaders, will be tested against a Law A side who must win to stand any chance of retaining their title.

Elsewhere, on Wednesday, Automotive and Hurricanes will attempt to record their first Phase 2 points in Division One.

RUGBY: Engine v Masts should be the game to watch. There is only one point between the teams in the table, and it should be a hardfought affair. A win for either side will put them in a better position to finish in 3rd place. Furthermore, the winners of this game could add some pressure on 2nd placed Stoma.

ON THE HEAD: English try to clear the ball

ANY QUERIES, ANY PROBLEMS EMAIL weloveimg@gairrhydd.com

Sport

Page 38

sport@gairrhydd.com

IMGenius Paul Hunt talks to Cardiff Ladies’ Captain and Wales International Emma Jones Switzerland was our first for two and half years we don’t even get a shirt to keep after the game”.

The Welsh FA have failed again to properly support the team in the upcoming matches the game on Sunday against Moldova is being played in Newtown, hardly a venue for international football. The game on Thursday, against Israel is being played at Ninian Park, which you would expect to attract a crowd if it weren’t being played at 2pm, “My Mum can’t even come to the game, she has to work” said Jones.

Despite the busy international schedule Jones is still captaining the Cardiff firsts every week, and after the 6-0 win in the Welsh Cup this week, they have 2 semi-finals to look forward to in the coming weeks, the BUSA one being on Wednesday.

“Being the day before the international I will have to be a bit careful.” The game on Thursday will be Jones’s fourth game in eight days.

Jones has played for Wales at all age groups, and having started playing with boys, she had to move to

By Toan Ravenscroft Football Reporter

extra time a Worcester centre-back lost his man at the back post from a corner and headed what looked like a certain winner until the agile Cole Stacey pulled off a match-winning save to tip it onto the bar.

This spurred Cardiff on and then, with only minutes to go and the game heading to penalties, captain Mark Lucas, produced a ball which sliced through the Worcester defence putting Eifion “Angles” Roberts through on goal. He duly passed the ball through the keeper’s legs to ensure a place in the final.

Newport girls’ team at the age of twelve according to the current regulations, “I was lucky that Newport girls was only 20 minutes away, girls living in North Wales that don’t have a team nearby aren’t so lucky”.

I asked Emma about her aspirations for her career and Wales chances in the World Cup qualifiers, “I am already semi-professional (for Bristol Rovers) and there aren’t the opportunities to be professional in this country. As for Wales, we should win our group as we have a good team and then we can get in Tier A for qualification for the next tournament”. As for IMG, “I only played one game, I scored in a 1-1 draw, and I enjoyed it apart from the pitch”.

Final Countdown CARDIFF BATTLED their way to the final of the BUSA Shield, following a tight encounter at Llanrumney in which neither side dominated.

Worcester, playing into the wind, had more of the ball as Cardiff failed to get into their stride on a firm surface. It remained much the same for the rest of the first half, with neither side creating clear cut chances or conceding any goals, leaving the scoreboard untroubled after 45 minutes.

Cardiff’s defence of Herrick, Bowker, Wylde and Clifford remained resolute throughout the first period and continued this form throughout the rest of this charged encounter.

After 55 minutes the deadlock was finally broken as Worcester converted from a classy free kick to the left of the Cardiff penalty area, which left Cole Stacey helpless in the Cardiff goal.

However, Cardiff responded instantly through Eifion Roberts’ short range effort after good play from Alberto Gonzalez.

The game then descended into the sort of encounter you would expect from a semi-final, with neither side giving an inch resulting in a one all stalemate after the full time whistle.

Cardiff regrouped as the game opened up in extra time in an attempt to play on their home advantage.

However, late into the first half of

CUP RUN: Road to glory

By Trim Mountain Biking Reporter

LAST WEEKEND saw the 2006 National Student Mountain Biking Championships take place in Shropshire. 450 riders competed for the various accolades in student mountain biking.

The nationals test the two major disciplines in mountain biking.

Cross-country is an endurance event involving climbing and descending through the woods for 10-20 miles. The downhill involves a timed run down a rocky, steep and twisting course.

Friday’s practice gave the 250 competitors a chance to familiarise themselves with the course. The Cardiff riders agreed that the track suited the team considering their training on the more challenging South Wales terrain. After the first set of runs, Cardiff were setting the standard with three riders in the top 20.

Tristan Goodley (17th) and Tudor Jones (6th) followed the commanding fastest run time set by Phil Shucksmith.

Nerves frayed as the team waited for the final runs. Goodley failed to improve on his first time, crashing close to the finish.

Jones however, took an astonishing seven seconds out of his first run, displacing riders still on the hill. Shucksmith was the last rider on the hill, unaware that he had already won the title with his impressive first run. Nevertheless that didn’t stop him taking a further two seconds off his opening time.

With the combined times of the fastest three riders from each university deciding the fastest team in the country, Cardiff comfortably beat off rivals Manchester and Swansea to take the title.

Sunday’s riding consisted of the ‘sport’ and the ‘champs’ cross-country races. Shucksmith was again on top form, crushing the ‘sport’ field around three laps of the demanding track for an unprecedented win in both disciplines. In the four-lap ‘champs’ race Pete MacSorley, delayed by a broken chain on the first lap, battled back into the top-10 before a helmet splitting crash left him unconscious and ended his afternoon.

Club president Dave Jones made up for the broken wrist he suffered at last year’s event with a solid top-30 spot. as all the Cardiff riders finished despite the gruelling conditions.

After the crowd had bundled onto the pitch to celebrate with the players, and the final whistle had gone, First Team Coach Simon Yates commented, “all the boys should be extremely pleased with their performances both individually and as a team, and I look forward to watching them win the final.”

Mark Lucas said: “We battled superbly throughout and showed that we are more than capable of going on to bring home the title. Once again, I’m very proud of my players.”

PHOTO: Adam Gasson

Cardiff Men’s football.........2 Worcester Men’s football... 1

CHAMPS

PHOTO: Trim

EMMA JONES, Cardiff Women’s firsts Captain, Chemistry student, and the only international footballer ever to play in IMG (as far as I know), will be winning her 18th and 19th caps this week for Wales as they bid to reach the World Cup finals.

Wales have to win their Tier B group to have the chance to a play-off against Tier A teams to qualify for the World Cup, but Wales haven’t played a competitive match for 4 years after being withdrawn from qualifying for the European championship by the Welsh FA who cited the expense of travelling to Russia and Kazakhstan is the reason and were subsequently hit with a £23,000 fine. “We weren’t even told that we had been withdrawn, I read about it in the newspaper”, Jones told me, clearly angry at the lack of support afforded the Welsh Women’s team.

Emma Jones was scathing in her criticism of the committees in charge of Welsh football, “They are all old men who think women shouldn’t play football, our friendly against

March 27 2006

BIKERS: Dirty Helmets

Sport

March 27 2006

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

PHOTO: Clharlie Hinder

By Charlie Hinder Waterpolo Reporter

Manchester men’s w’polo.10 Cardiff men’s waterpolo......8 CARDIFF’S WATERPOLO sides returned disappointed from the BUSA Championship Finals in Nottingham.

The men began their weekend against local rivals Bristol. Cardiff took an early two-goal lead through James Hadlow and Charlie Hinder, only for their Westcountry rivals to produce a spirited response.

The game was evenly matched with both teams trading goals, until the final quarter, when Bristol’s experience enabled them to claim a 10-7 victory.

Cardiff then faced the much-fancied London in their second match. Cardiff opened the scoring, but were never in contention, as they chose to rest players for the game with Manchester that would decide the bronze medal, as London cruised to a 24-9 victory.

A very experienced Manchester side was next. Clever attacking play and resolute defending enabled Cardiff to claim a 7-3 lead, through goals from influential fresher Dan Laxton(3), Hadlow(2) and Hinder(2), while Nick Cornish and Dave Hinder worked tirelessly in defence.

Cardiff started to show the effects of playing their second game of the day, against the side for whom this was their only appearance. Manchester claimed a 10-8 victory, leaving the

CARDIFF: Big splash Cardiff players empty handed.

The ladies’ team began their campaign against Manchester in a tight game. Both teams exchanged goals throughout, and there was rarely more than a goal difference between the two of them.

Manchester ran out 14-12 victors, despite the efforts of the outstanding Laura Smith, ‘keeper Jess Bernfeld and defender Helen Cooke.

A favourable result between Manchester and Loughborough meant that Cardiff were still in with a chance of the title despite their defeat against Manchester. London was the next opposition for Cardiff Ladies.

Cardiff was able to ground out a 108 victory with influential performances from captain Vikki Binks and Miriam Ridha. That left everything to play for in their final match-up of the weekend in their clash with Loughborough.

A win by five goals would give Cardiff the championship on goal difference. Cardiff raced into a 5-2 lead and seemed on their way to the championship.

However, they were unable to maintain the early high pace and suffered as Loughborough regained the initiative. Cardiff had no response as they fell to a 7-6 defeat.

Golfers gutted

Birmingham Golf 1sts.........5 Cardiff Golf 1sts.................4 GOLF 1STS NARROWLY lost in the Quarter Finals of the BUSA Championship last Wednesday to a reputable Birmingham side.

The match which included foursomes and singles matches was the first fixture the Cardiff team has lost since November last year.

To play a match of such importance at Little Aston Golf Club, a millionaires playground, was a excellent opportunity for the travelling team.

Such was the Little Aston’s exclusivity only two groups ahead of the match, Juan Pablo Angel of Aston Villa F.C. fame, played the course.

Like all matches in the Quarter Finals the fixture consisted of three foursome matches played in the morning, where players team up in pairs and hit alternate shots.

While in the afternoon, the format was the usual six singles matches.

Therefore a possible nine points was on offer meaning Cardiff needed five points to book a place in the finals weekend at the prestigious Woodhall Spa. Out first in the morning, Elliot Shaw and Billy Hemstock teamed up and stole Cardiff half a point when after being four down after nine holes

they recorded four birdies on the inward nine and drew the game level.

Dave Thomas and Chris Orr played some immaculate golf and won 5/4.

Unfortunately Birmingham drew level with a 4/3 victory over Cardiff’s Ryan Greaney and James Millard.

In the afternoon, things started brightly again for Cardiff with Elliot Shaw thumping his opponent 5/4.

Hemstock failed to maintain the momentum and lost 1 down after a spirited fight back from four down after 13 holes.

Ryan Greaney recovered superbly from a disappointing morning and won his afternoon match on the last hole, 1 up. Birmingham again drew level with a 5/4 win over James

Millard.

With hardly anything to separate the team’s fifth and sixth players, both games went down the 18th hole.

Chris Orr gained half a point while Dave Thomas unfortunately lost 1 down. The match thus went 5-4 in Birmingham’s favour.

While Cardiff were only one point form victory, the team will barely even see the fixture as a defeat.

To compete at such a high level is reward enough for the team.

Cardiff will also bear in mind Birmingham’s players study a Professional Golfer’s Association affiliated degree on which they play almost every day.

Kent men’s hockey...........0 Cardiff men’s hockey........1 IT’S BEEN A historical and emotional week for Cardiff University Hockey. It started with a 12-1 hiding of Minehead, securing a second consecutive promotion putting Cardiff University into South Premier 2, just two divisions off the National league.

The following day the University 1st XI defeated rivals Cardiff City in the Welsh Cup Semi Final. Goals by Tony Gough and Martin Freshman gave Cardiff University a 2-0 lead at half time. City came back in the second half and reduced the lead to a solitary goal.

With 5 minutes remaining captain Duncan Courtney scored a third with a trademark ‘danger push’ at a short corner. Victory over City puts Cardiff University into the Welsh Cup Final, just one win away from the European Cup Winners Cup. Cardiff went into the playoff as underdogs, but started the game as if favourites. The Cardiff midfield dominated possession but the excellent Kent defence restricted the attack merely to half chances.

Cardiff’s defence were exceptional, keeping their first clean sheet of the BUSA season.

“Cardiff showed signs of nerves as a penalty shootout loomed”

Man of the Match, Tom Moore, was typically consistent and added to the attack on the left hand side.

Chris Rhodes was Cardiff’s main playmaker and midway through the first half threaded an exquisite ball through to the far post.

Unfortunately striker Paul Hayes was unable to make a connection and the best chance of the half went begging.

The travelling team then went down to ten men, as Martyn Freshman was given a controversial yellow card for deliberately breaking down play.

But even with an extra man, Kent failed to find frequent possession and the first half ended tied at 0-0.

PHOTO: Billy Hemstock

By Billy Hemstock Golf Reporter

By Paul Hayes Hockey Reporter

GOLF: Great season

The second half started in similar fashion. But the umpires soon began to become more influential as several Kent players were given their marching orders for foul play.

They finally found a way through the solid Cardiff defence with a deflected goal, only for it to be disallowed.

Cardiff hit back in brilliant fashion, creating their best chance of the game. Nick Gough won a short corner after some impressive play down the right. With Kent so strong at the back, Cardiff needed to capitalise with their variety and consistency in their penalty corners.

A well practiced routine saw Tom Moore deflect the ball goal bound only for the Kent ‘keeper to parry the ball over the crossbar.

With the score still goal-less, the match would be decided by a 7 minute silver goal extra time. It was to be a dramatic ending to an enthralling game.

Cardiff showed signs of nerves as a penalty flick shootout loomed.

Kent pressed forward and won several short corners. Kent found themselves celebrating once again as the ball crossed the line, only for the goal to be ruled once again for an infringement.

Just seconds later Cardiff were to be victorious. An incredible long aerial ball from David Hannah set up a short corner for the away team. Former Captain Tony Gough was to be the hero as he swept in Duncan Courtney’s pass past the keeper and into the Kent goal with just 4 minutes remaining. Cardiff held on to be the only team to win in Canterbury all season and see themselves promoted into the top flight next season.

Skipper Courtney saluted his team in such a brilliant team performance. "It’s been an incredible week. First victory over Cardiff City, and now promotion into the BUSA Premier league.

“It will be a tough season next year playing regularly against international opposition but we will be ready for the challenge. The team spirit has been first class all season."

Cardiff are still in three National Cup competitions and are looking forward to the prospect of playing in Europe next year if they win the Welsh Cup in April.

PHOTO: Paul Hayes

WATERBOYS

Top Hockey

HOCKEY: Possible treble

INTERVIEW:

GOLF:

Cardiff’s IMG legend Narrow loss Emma Jones Page 38

PLUS: Page 39

This week’s IMG roundup Page 37

gair rhydd

IMG NEWS

Sport

By Dave Menon IMG Sport Editor

Photo: Luke Pavey

IMG FOOTBALL Fixtures have been rearranged once again, after the Council denied the recent AU application to play sixteen matches on Sunday.

The reason for the Council’s late decision is unknown, as the pressure to complete this IMG Football season mounts.

Games were played last Wednesday, but there are still four rounds of matches to fit in as time runs out.

Fortunately, IMG Chair Clare Donovan has booked Pitches 7 and 8 on Pontcanna, and four pitches on Llanrumney this Sunday (26th March).

All eight Premiership sides will play their Week 3 fixtures at Pontcanna this Sunday, whereas all eight Division Two teams will play their Week 3 fixtures at Llanrumney.

The remaining Division One and Division Three Week 3 fixtures will be played on Sunday April 30, with details of kick-off times to be emailed to all affected team captains after Easter.

Meanwhile, all Week 4 Fixtures will proceed as normal at Pontcanna this Wednesday (29th March). Further details of the fixtures to be played this Sunday can be found in this week’s Full IMG Breakfast.

In addition, Clare would like to make everybody aware of this year’s IMG Ball. This will replace the end of year IMG awards night that has taken place over the last few years The event will take place on Wednesday May 3 at Holland House Hotel.

The ticket price has not been finalised as yet. Contact Clare for further details about the IMG Ball.

All final IMG Netball, Rugby and Football tables will be printed in the next edition.

For more action and reaction from the world of IMG, see page 37.

By Philly Cox Hockey Reporter Loughborough 1st XI..........4 Cardiff 1st XI.....................3 CARDIFF LADIES’ 1ST XI finished runners up to Loughborough 2nds in the BUSA Trophy after a captivating final in Nottingham.

Last to play in a day full of Loughborough victories, Cardiff were slightly intimidated by the huge and very vocal gang of Loughborough supporters.

Playing on a surface that the opposi-

tion thrived on and Cardiff have rarely played on, the disadvantage was obvious as Loughborough took an early lead with a deflection from a broken down short corner. Cardiff spent much of the first half defending ferociously.

At half time Cardiff went back out with a much more positive attitude but were deflated when, within the first ten minutes of the second half, Loughborough had increased their lead to 3-0.

However, complacent with a threegoal lead, Loughborough sat back and Cardiff began to take control. After

consistent pressure on the Loughborough defence, Cardiff won a much-deserved short corner. After many deflections, Emily Patterson found the back of the net. Cardiff attacked straight away and were rewarded with a penalty flick as Captain Becky Wheeler’s shot was stopped on the line by a Loughborough foot. Amelia Williams stepped up calmly and slotted the ball into the bottom left-hand corner. Cardiff were heading for a silver medal with only two minutes to go, before a ball passed through by Tamara Fateh found Sophie

Blair at the top of the D. Blair was violently upended by an irate Loughborough defender. A yellow card and a penalty flick later, taken again by Amelia Williams, Cardiff had drawn level and the final was going into extra time. Despite having all the possession in the fourteen minutes of extra time Cardiff couldn’t find the net and the gold was to be decided by penalty flicks. Donna McCormack and Laura Ferguson found the net for Cardiff but, despite goalkeeper Lizzie Hawes’ attempts, Loughborough went on to win on penalties 3-2.

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