gair rhydd - Issue 789

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

CASEBOOK CLOSED The final part in the epic journey that was The Phil Collins Photo Casebook

ISSUE 789 May 30 2005

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PHOTO: Luke Pavey

Assembly votes NO to top-up fees in Wales

By Caroline Farwell Political Editor OPPOSITION PARTIES in the Welsh Assembly have successfully defeated the Labour Government in the controversial debate over university tuition fees.

Last week students from universities across the country stood united with assembly members in their active support for the Welsh Conservative motion not to introduce top-up fees in Wales.

President of Cardiff Students’ Union Gary Rees said, “The amendment passed today

means that there won’t be a shortfall for universities.

“It is now up to the Labour government to

PROTEST: CUSU sabbs take to the streets in protest national union leaders at the assembly last week to show their continued commitment to the battle against top-up fees.

Bethan said, “We truly fought for the cause at the assembly, showing students that we are find a way of ready to fight for them. funding and to “You don’t need a huge protest, but you do show that education need to be continually lobbying and showing should be a priority.” the assembly that they cannot ignore us.”

Assembly Members voted The amendment marks a crucial triumph for by 30 to 29 in favour of the amendthe renowned “Duck off Fees” campaign and ment, confirming the vital level of support came just two days before the publication of from the assembly in the fight against fees. the independent review into student funding.

President of Aberysthwth Students’ Union Bethan Jenkins joined Gary Rees and other Story continued on Page 4

News

Page 2

May 30 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

a G O N E glance

At

May 30 2005 News Taf-Od Politics Opinion Geordie Interview Media Health Science Jobs and Money Competitions Letters Dr. Matthew Television Listings Sport

1 7 9 10 13 14 15 16 17 18 21 22 23 25 36 39

EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony DEPUTY DEPUTY EDITORS Will Dean, Tom Wellingham ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Amy Mackelden NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Andrew Mickel, Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood, Sophie Robehmed SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Will Schmit, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION John Widdop, Gareth Paisey, Katie Brunt, Mr. Manners, Grace de Ville LETTERS Dave Menon GRAB Shell Plant, Megan Conner FIVE MINUTE FUN Colm Loughlin TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews, Ceri Morgan MEDIA Bec Storey, Heather Casey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie, Nicola Menage COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Perri Lewis, Caroline Farwell PROOF READERS Matt Hill, Andrew Mickel, Sarah Dobbs, Kim O’Connor, Amy Harrison, Laura Tovey CONTRIBUTORS

Matthew Collinson, Bethany Whiteside, Kerry-Lynne Dole, Caleb Woodbridge, Ellie Cowley, Ed Jones, Miriam Ridha, Fraser Watson, Nick Parnell, Chris White

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

IN 60 MINUTES

By Dave Menon Reporter PUB BOSSES over Britain are clamping down on binge drinking by outlawing cheap drinks promotions and the traditional happy hour.

According to a national tabloid newspaper, 32,000 British pubs have joined the scheme, which may include setting a minimum price of £1.50 for each drink.

Sergeant Mike Hill, the officer in charge of licensing laws for Cardiff, said: "We’re currently going through a transitional period when pubs and clubs are looking to get licensing with regards to the binge drinking issue.

"Under the Licensing Act of 2003, out this November, each pub

has to comply with various objectives. The objectives state that pubs must employ door staff and implement CCTV cameras, as well as ban drinking promotions".

Sergeant Hill also added that 24hour drinking could be introduced, to discourage customers from downing large amounts of alcohol in a short length of time.

But he stressed that this will only happen if bars meet the aforementioned objectives with regard to acting responsibly.

Cardiff Students’ Union President Gary Rees firmly believes in addressing the issue of binge drinking.

He told gair rhydd: "The Union welcomes measures to make licenced premises a safer environment.

"At the start of the year drinks

prices were higher, but we lowered prices in order to keep up with competition. However I must stress that we did not fall into the trap of encouraging binge drinking.

"Cardiff was meant to be a flagship city for discouraging binge drinking last September. If this move is made across the city, we will embrace it."

Ash Luker, a first year Business Administration student, said: "I don’t agree with the changes as there is enough tax on drinks already.

"I don’t think the changes will have much effect on binge drinking as people are usually hammered before they go out anyway."

But a possible smoking ban across Wales could lead to a large number of pub closures, according to a recent survey.

The Licensed Victuallers Wales (LVW) survey revealed that 29% of premises could be forced to close, while a further 20% could lay off staff as the result of a smoking ban.

But Kirsty Williams, a Liberal Democrat health spokeswoman and ex-smoker, insisted a public smoking ban is necessary.

She said: "It’s my right, when I’ve had one too many, to fall off the wagon and reach for a cigarette, but that doesn’t mean I have the right to inflict that passive smoke on someone else."

Alun Cairns, a non-smoking Conservative AM for South Wales West said: "The smoker’s responsibility is to act in a sensible manner and in consideration of others. This can be achieved without resorting to legislation and bans."

NUS to combat anti-Semitism

By Matt Wilkin News Editor THE NATIONAL Union of Students has launched an independent inquiry into allegations of antiSemitism after three executive committee members resigned from their positions, branding the union "a bystander to Jew hatred".

Mitch Simmons, Jonny Warren and Lucianda Berger formally left their posts at the NUS annual conference, held in Blackpool last month.

In a speech to the conference, Ms Berger said: "I have seen Jews accused of conspiring to write, submit and debate motions we had no part in, by full time members of the NEC. "We have talked for the past three years about the NUS’ values of equality, diversity and respect.

"In practice, this couldn’t be fur-

ther from the truth."

She also condemned the practice of her NEC colleagues, saying: "The leadership of the NUS needs to take big decisions and choose whether Jewish students have a place in this national union.

"I cannot and will not be a part of a National Executive Committee while some of its members continue to turn a blind eye to Jewish suffering."

Ms Berger further criticised a leaflet distributed at the conference, which contained anti-Semitic references, whilst the School of Oriental and African Studies (SOAS) also came under fire following antiSemitic allegations.

NUS President Kat Fletcher was criticised by delegates for refusing to comment on the resignations when the conference took place.

Daniel Greene, a delegate from the University of Birmingham Students’

SOAS: Anti-Semetic allegations

Guild said: "The fact that Kat was able to ignore it only confirms what Luciana said about anti-Semitism being seen by many as ‘second grade’ racism."

But commenting on the review, Miss Fletcher said: "Following the resignations of NEC members Luciana Berger, Mitch Simmons and Jonny Warren from their last few months in office, I am pleased to announce an independent review to look into the issues raised by these three officers.

"We hope to get this review completed as soon as possible so that NUS can look at ways in which our long standing fight against racism, fascism and anti-Semitism can become stronger and more effective than ever."

A spokesperson for the NUS confirmed that the review is anticipated to last no longer than four weeks.

News

May 30 2005

Page 3

news@gairrhydd.com

USPENDED LETTING AGENT CPS have been suspended from a prominent association after a gair rhydd story exposed a potentially fatal carbon monoxide leak in one of their houses.

The Association of Letting and Management Agencies’(ALMA) disciplinary sub-committee decided to suspend CPS’ membership for twelve months after a high number of complaints.

ALMA Chair Glyn Trott told gair rhydd that the ‘Gassed’ article, printed in March, was one piece of evidence integral to bringing about the decision.

Mr Trott was keen to emphasise that the Cardiff City Council-backed organisation has “strict membership requirements” such as bond protection of a client’s account, professional indemnity insurance, an interview to pass, and a code of practice each member must abide by.

But it was the number of complaints claiming that CPS was breaching this code that prompted the group to take action.

“No other ALMA agent has had more than one complaint against them within a twelve month period,” said Mr Trott.

There was also a common theme in the nature of the complaints made, though Mr Trott could not disclose what this was.

Another issue that concerned the sub-committee was the “apparent failure of CPS to take the complaints seriously”.

This was apparent for the girls featured in the gair rhydd story when they complained to CPS in February.

One of the girls, who preferred to remain anonymous, said:“It was just a

general lack of concern for us. They were horrible.

“It’s so good that something’s finally happened.”

Mr Trott said the issue now for those letting with CPS was that “CPS is now not obliged to abide by ALMA practices.”

When contacted a CPS spokesperson said the decision was “not really justified” but refused to comment further.

But Sue Harris, Student Advisor in Cardiff University Students’ Union Advice Centre hopes that this will send a clear message to students.

“Some agencies say that they choose not to be a part of ALMA but to have been black-listed by them really shows something,” she said.

“If you are going to use an agency this shows how important it is to use an ALMA agency.”

She also emphasised the importance of complaining if you are unhappy with your letting agents.

“It is really important to make an official complaint as is shown here. The gair rhydd story was crucial in getting CPS struck off the list,” she said.

“You can make a complaint against any ALMA agents and we have complaint forms in the Student Advice Centre.”

A spokesperson for the university said: “Any property service no longer part of ALMA would be removed from the University’s ALMA list.”

If you have any concerns about your letting agents you can contact the Student Advice Centre by emailing advice@cardiff.ac.uk or by calling

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

By David Doyle News Editor

LET DOWN: CPS and the gair rhydd story given as evidence

Cardiff students’ plight causes grief for local letting agent

Car Booty

By Dan Ridler Reporter NINE CARDIFF students were recently robbed of a car as well as hundreds of pounds worth of personal goods after a door was left open.

The theft, which took place in the early hours of May 12, is not believed to be pre-meditated.

The thief stole a DVD player and DVDs, a Playstation, a video camera and a handbag before grabbing the occupant’s car keys and making a swift escape.

The criminal had enough time to

sift the contents of the handbag, rejecting receipts and cards and making away with just cash whilst the students slept mere yards away.

The police were called in the morning when the students awoke to find their house stripped.

“We were shocked” said Dan Jones, third year Business student.

“We don’t really hold out much hope of getting our stuff back.”

College President of Humanities and Science Pete Goodman said: “I’d advise any student leaving their house unattended to secure all doors and easily accessible windows.”

Beans means sleaze?

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter SEX-THEME NIGHTS will change South Wales’ nightlife with baked bean wrestling, pole idol competitions, a Playboy party and a ‘Live Sex Show’ all planned.

The series of saucy nights, organised for one of Cardiff’s top nightclubs, has provoked outrage amongst some residents.

But Kevin Smart, Creation club manager, says he is simply “bringing entertainment back into nightlife”.

He maintains that his ‘Live Sex

Show’ will involve nothing illegal.

The idea to have scantily-clad models simulating sex behind a back-lit screen was inspired by Balearic superclubs and will be no more revealing than a wet T-shirt competition.

In an attempt to pull in more crowds, Smart has introduced the Mischief Saturday nights and Skool Daze Friday nights that includes a ‘Pole Idol’ competition.

The South Wales Echo readers’ opinions were divided on the matter of these club nights with some concerned that they would increase the level of binge-drinking.

Others concluded that it was simply a sign of the times.

Yet Rhiwbina councillor, Jayne Cowan, said the city’s reputation depended on club organisers, Cardiff and its people.

She said: “I am appalled and outraged.

Cardiff should be associated with a buoyant city centre, a prosperous Bay area and well-kept suburbs, not seedy back streets promoting live sex shows.”

News

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May 30 2005

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REPORTING BACK

FUTURE FOR WELSH UNIS: Teresa Rees (left) and Jane Davidson; James Knight (below)

By Caroline Farwell Political Editor VARIABLE FEES are the way forward for Welsh universities, according to a controversial report published last week.

Despite overwhelming opposition from Assembly Members and student campaigners, the independent Rees Report has recommended students in Wales should have to pay deferred and flexible fees for the privilege of their university education.

Chaired by Professor Teresa Rees, Pro Vice Chancellor of Cardiff University, the review called for students to pay up to £3000 for every year of their course, trebling the current amount of graduate debt.

NUS Wales, who have called for Higher Education to be free for all students, has expressed its outrage at the report’s recommendation to introduce variable fees.

President of NUS Wales James Knight claimed top-up fees are “deeply regressive” and said: “NUS Wales presented evidence to the review group that not only do fees punish students for studying, but they actually deter many of them from even thinking about it.”

But Professor Rees said: “Higher education is currently suffering from a very large funding gap - Assembly Members must acknowledge this gap if there is to be an improvement in the sector. They must consider our findings carefully and realise that variable fees are necessary.”

Set up by the Minister for Education Jane Davidson, the commission recommended students in Wales should pay for their university education once they are earning above a set level of income, abandoning the current up-front flat

rate fee.

The report also suggested a National Bursary Scheme for both Welsh and non-Welsh students should be implemented.

The means-tested bursary would target students with low incomes Professor Rees claims this would empower students by allowing them to make informed decisions about where they go to university.

The report also recommends the Assembly conducts a further analysis of the costs and implications of providing financial incentives to encourage students already living in Wales to continue studying in the country.

Rees maintains the report’s commissioners share the same basic principles of the NUS. She said: “We are both opposed to student fees, except the review group have looked at the facts and figures.

“Rather then charging students for their higher education, we will in fact be charging the graduates who reap the benefits of their education later in life through higher incomes.”

She added: “I will be very worried for the future of higher education in Wales if the assembly do not take on board the report’s findings.”

Peter Goodman, College President of Humanities and Life Science for Cardiff Students’ Union, said: “I’m thoroughly disappointed that it has recommended variable fees. The mere thought of fees is often a prohibiting factor in stopping future generations from attending university.

“The Rees Report is an important, evidence-based document, but I look to the political parties of Wales to honour their manifesto pledges and ensure that top-up fees are not introduced in Wales.”

NUS Wales President criticised after vote

By Caroline Farwell Political Editor PRESIDENT OF NUS Wales James Knight has come under fire following the organization’s handling of a Welsh Assembly debate on student fees.

Knight has been criticised for the failure of the NUS to rally support ahead of last Tuesday’s debate of the Conservative motion to block the introduction of variable fees in Wales.

President of Cardiff Students’ Union Gary Rees said: “James Knight handled the situation on Tuesday very unprofessionally.

The NUS stands for no fees, yet his position is becoming increasingly untenable.

“In my view, James Knight has openly gone against the principles of the NUS.” Leaders from student unions across Wales have backed accusations that Knight has failed to provide a representative voice for students, and they say they are concerned over Knight’s position as both a Labour student and a NUS leader.

Tom Stubbs, the General Secretary

elect for Swansea Students’ Union, said: “James Knight is a lame duck leader. He has put party politics first and this goes against every single thing students have been fighting for. This has damaged NUS Wales.”

Responding to accusations surrounding his divided loyalties, Knight said: “There is no conflict of interest regarding my position as a Labour student. I am personally against top-up fees and I believe that they are deeply regressive.”

Victory Story continued from Front EDUCATION MINISTER Jane Davidson and other Labour AMs have criticised the assembly’s decision to go ahead with the motion before considering the options put forward in the Rees Report.

However, members of the opposition claim that Labour is ignoring the will of the majority of the assembly by delaying the decision on top-up fees in Wales.

The Welsh Assembly Government said in a statement: “The government will of course have to consider the implications of this vote very carefully.”

“We remain committed to developing a system of higher education funding that is fair to institutions and students.”

The crucial debate saw opposition parties unite in what is their first attempt to block the introduction of top-up fees since Labour lost its assembly majority when AM Peter Law left the party to stand against it in the general election.

Jenny Randerson, AM for Cardiff Central and avid supporter of the campaign against top-up fees, said, “The Conservative Party has done what any opposition party would do by putting forward the motion.

“It means that Jane Davidson now has to actually pay attention and consider the calls of the opposition properly.”

News

May 30 2005

Page 5

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MR P-REES-IDENT

Charissa Coulthard catches up with the Students’ Union President Gary Rees to talk top-up fees, rollerskating and sex appeal

G

ary Rees is a very happy man. After an eventful year as President of Cardiff University Students’ Union, he has just heard that the Welsh Assembly will not be implementing top-up fees. With a mixed expression of relief and satisfaction, he gestures for me to take a seat and announces that I’ve caught him on one of the best days of his year.

"It’s basically what we’ve all been campaigning for for the whole year.

We don’t want additional fees introduced.

“As we heard from the Welsh Assembly, we’ve managed to secure that we won’t be having top-up fees in Wales and that means that the student fees will remain the same.

means that to leave it behind – yeah, it’ll be quite difficult. But I’ve got things to go on to."

Swansea-born Gary gained a S E 2:1 in his Criminology and E R GARY E Social Policy degree, yet IL F T C FA remains adamant that his most : LLY FROM important university experiA IN IG R O ence has been his presidency. a e s Swan With only a few weeks to : UDIED ial T S go, however, he is confident E S R oc COU gy and S in moving on to new things. lo o in m ri C "[The course] wasn’t all Policy that interesting," he admit: E R tor ted.

OR FUTU PLANS F in the retail sec r "I think I’ve definitely e A care got more out of my extracurricular activities."

"I’ve got on to the Sainsbury’s graduate scheme, which will see me moving to Bristol, and I’m quite interested in the retail sector. It’ll be a new challenge for me."

Gary will hand over his role to Pete Goodman in September, who he

“We’ve managed to secure that we won’t be having top-up fees. It was a ‘Duck Off Fees’ campaign success” “It was a ‘Duck Off Fees’ campaign success. I’m absolutely delighted.

"It’s been a year’s work, and it’s huge for the students of Wales. It means a lot that the higher education system in general is going to put pressure on England and up in Scotland as well.

“It’s really hit home now – it’s a massive win for students all over the UK." Despite the hard work, Gary’s confidence helped him face the challenges of such campaigns.

His presidential role, which includes being Chief Executive of Cardiff Student Services Ltd., requires overseeing commercial services as well as all aspects of the Union.

It was his previous involvement with various things at the Union that he feels prepared him for the job.

"I’ve always thought that I can make a difference, and I really believe in a lot of the campaigning the Union does – not just in Cardiff but nationally as well.

"The president’s role has a commercial mind but I’m also very passionate about a lot of non-commercial areas

“It’s been so exciting. To leave it behind? Yeah, it’ll be quite difficult”

GARY REES: Believes he has made a difference and campaigning in general. The role allows me to do all that.”

So what would a typical day of running the Students’ Union involve?

"There is definitely no average day, because there are so many different parts to my job," he explains.

"I’m involved with every area of the union.

"What I typically do is come in around 8.30, have a quick look at what my day’s going to be like and read my papers. From then on it’s running about.

"It’s really spontaneous – it’s really just different. You don’t know what your day’s going to be like. When I’m not sat in my chair I’m the happiest.

"I never usually finish before five.

In the first term there were times when

we didn’t get out until ten or eleven."

What strikes me the most about Gary is just how relaxed he appears to be within his job.

With a smart black suit and immaculately gelled hair, he leans back in his chair and casually describes the pros and cons of his sabbatical role.

“I’ve always thought that I can make a difference” Aside from the heavy task of balancing the numerous parts of the position, he denies there are any major dif-

ficulties and chooses to focus on its most rewarding aspects.

"It’s actually when you make a real difference, like the top-up fees and keeping Wednesday afternoons free.

“It’s been a mixture for me, but I’m also very much involved with the future of the Union.

"I’ve been working on improvement plans with the university on developing a new Students’ Union building and improving all the areas that are in it, so that’s probably one of the biggest things for us this year."

So does being heavily involved with the Union and its future make it hard to leave the job behind?

"It’s the fact that you make a lot of friends; a lot of working relationships.

“The fact that it’s been so exciting

believes will keep up the standard of the Students’ Union.

"His enthusiasm’s going to be the key – he’s really passionate about doing what’s right for the union.

“I genuinely think he’s going to continue the good work and take forward the projects that have been happening.

"I’d like to say a big thanks to my sabbaticals and non-sabbaticals for all their work, and to the students for supporting me."

So has being president lived up to Gary’s expectations?

More importantly, has his authoritative role made him irresistable to women?

"No," he laughs, "Not at all."

Nevertheless, he is positive that rollerskating around Cardiff in his campaign for presidency was definitely worth it.

Weighing up the pros and cons of the job, I ask him if the heavy workload has ever made him think twice about accepting his position.

"Not for a single second,” he says without hesitation.

“I’ve absolutely loved it. “It’s an experience I’ll never forget and it’s one that will be hard to leave behind."

World News

Page 6

May 30 2005

news@gairrhydd.com

THE BIG 8 DEBATE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Riot police at G8, Genoa, 2001; a message from Mombasa, Kenya; the G8 leaders at last year’s summit in the USA

By Paul Dicken News Editor THE G8 summit has been described as both ‘an economic idea-sharing session’ and ‘an annual festival of hypocrisy’.

At this year’s meeting of the super powers, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown hope to steer the attention of world leaders towards a solution to African poverty and an end to global pollution.

The eight nations are now France, Germany, UK, Japan, USA, Italy, Canada, and Russia, who joined in 1998.

One of the prevailing criticisms of G8 is that it is mainly concerned with the interests of the elite nations, with a positive stance on globalisation, and no direct input from the developing nations its decisions affect.

over how to end poverty in Africa. The US government and other European nations have expressed concern over the writing-off of debt and the increasing of aid.

Reuters reported that Britain had written off the debt of Zambia last week after the International Monetary Fund said it had recahed the completion point of the HIPC initiative.

The country’s debt is estimated to have decreased from $7.1 billion to

cap outside of the Kyoto protocol.

India, China and Brazil, whose emissions and economic growth are fast increasing, will attend the first day of talks.

The summit will also look at counter-terrorism, counter-proliferation (preventing spread of weapons of mass destruction), and the humanitarian and reconstruction efforts of the UN and World Bank in the countries affected by the tsunami disaster in 2004.

High-end Security

The UK and Africa UK presidency of this year’s G8 (‘Group of Eight’ nations) hopes to help improve governance, security, health, education, economic growth in Africa through increasing aid and wiping debt.

The Heavily Indebted Poor Countries (HIPC) debt relief scheme continued for two further years at the last summit has so far only cancelled $31 billion of debt.

Currently 23 of the 27 countries in the HIPC list are in Africa, while the continent remains the only part of the developing world not to be better off than 25 years ago.

Last week, Tony Blair began a tour of the G8 nations to try to secure some of the objectives the UK has set for the summit.

It had been hoped that a deal to write off the debts owed by poor nations to the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank and the African Development Bank would already have been agreed.

There has been some disagreement

and services from donor countries.

Action Aid are also campaigning at this year’s G8. The ‘Get on Board’ bus is travelling from Johannesburg to Scotland, gathering messages and images to take to the ‘world’s most powerful leaders when they meet for the G8 summit in Scotland on 6-8 July’ to push for aid, debt cancellation and fairer trade law.

Bob Geldof and Midge Ure have also confirmed they are planning a charity concert in Hyde park to coincide with the summit.

IMAGES OF AFRICA: are part of Action Aid’s G8 campaign $3.9 billion, with the UK’s move possibly signalling the beginnings of debt cancellation from other donors.

Reports also stated the EU would increase its aid to poor countries. The move will double the EU’s combined aid.

Climate Change Progress with the US on climate change has proven to be a difficult issue.

Blair is seeking agreement from the US administration on the credibility of scientific findings on climate change, investment in green technology and commitment to work with India, China and Brazil in agreeing an emissions

All about being heard The ‘Make Poverty History’ campaign is organising a protest in Edinburgh on July 2.

They’re asking the G8 attendees to end export subsidies that prevent poor communities making money, make laws to stop big businesses exploiting people and the environment.

The campaign are asking for an end to unpayable debts, without enforcing the practise of their policies; a deadline for the donating of 0.7% from national income for aid; assurances that aid supports individual national plans that 70% of money goes to the poorest countries, and that aid is no longer tied to the purchase of goods

In previous years the G8 has hit the headlines because of the public presence outside the political power talks.

A five-mile fence will be constructed around Gleneagles as one element of the venue’s security measures.

Members of the Scottish National Party suggested that the barrier had the “unfortunate symbolism” of a “huge barrier between them [the politicians] and ordinary people.” The remote location of Gleneagles has also been chosen to help security.

After the 2001 summit in Genoa, over 70 Italian police officers were accused of orchestrating a campaign of brutality against anti-globalisation protesters and subsequent cover-up.

The minority of violent protesters of the 100,000 campaigners in Genoa clashed with police after ‘smashing up’ shops belonging to global brands like McDonalds and Starbucks.

The death of one protester heightened tension, but after the summit had ended 200 masked riot police arrived at a school housing protesters.

Many were injured and some were taken to an area outside Genoa where they were subject to physical and verbal abuse.

Objects were placed in the school and testimonies faked to convince media that the school was the centre of the violent resistance.

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Gleneagles; Patients at a Malawi clinic where 56% of patients are HIV positive; orphans of the Africa AIDs epidemic

World News in Brief

By Nicola Menage Reporter THE HIGHER education system in Iraq has suffered greatly since the US-led invasion in 2003, a recent UN study has revealed.

More than eighty percent of Iraq’s universities have been burned, looted or destroyed, while 48 professors have been killed and many more face daily threats.

The study also showed that since 1990 the number of teaching staff has been severely depleted due to a decade of international sanctions.

This has left under-qualified professors, one third of which only hold a bachelor’s degree, despite rules requiring a master’s degree.

Basic facilities such as desks, chairs or classrooms are limited, and water and sanitation systems are also extremely lacking. Iraqi students have often had to brave raw sewage in order to get to, or around, their schools.

The UN is urging international donors to mobilize millions of dollars to help rebuild Iraq’s higher education system, warning that failure to do so will set back the long term repair of the country as a whole.

Uniting Oil An oil pipeline, harnessing one of the world’s largest energy reserves, has recently opened after ten years of building.

It spans 1600km through Azerbaijan, Georgia and Turkey and cost 3.6 billion dollars to make.

The pipeline has caused much controversy from environmentalists and has also had geo-political implications. On the day of its opening, demonstrators were arrested and even beaten for protesting, "too close to the pipeline," according to authorities.

Ilham Aliev, President of Azerbaijan, however, believes that the pipeline "will help to solve economic and social problems." He also hopes that it will play a role in “strengthening peace and security in the region.”

Academics re-think Israel isolation At the end of last week university academics in Britain voted against a boycott of Israeli universities.

At a Association of University Teachers (AUT) meeting delegates were reported to have voted in favour of abandoning the boycott, after the union controversially backed a boycott of Bar-llan and Haifa universities last month.

The action originally stemmed from claims that both of the institutions were complicit in the oppression of Palestinian people in the West Bank.

The universities later denied the allegations, while critics voiced concerns that a boycott would only harm relations between Palestinians and Israelis.

Those opposing the move said it was an ‘outrageous’ attack on ‘academic freedom’.

Taf-Od

30 Mai 2005

Tud 7

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Canfod Cyfoeth Cymru Yr wythnos yma mae Taf-Od yn edrych nol dros digwyddiadau y flwyddyn academaidd a fu Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od MAE’R FLWYDDYN Academaidd erbyn hyn wedi hedfan heibio, traethodau wedi’u gwblhau, arholiadau yn dod i ben.

Yn y flwyddyn ddiwethaf da ni wedi gweld llawer yn digwydd yma yng Nghaerdydd ac ar draws y wlad.

Efallai i llawer gweld Cymru yn cyflawni’r gamp lawn yma yn Nghaerdydd am y tro cyntaf mewn dros chwarter canrif yn erbyn Gwyddelod. Bydd y pum gem a chwaraewyd, y Saeson yma yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm, y gemau ym

Mharis, Rhufain a Murrayfield, yn aros mewn cof am flynyddoedd i ddod.

Bydd mwy o blant eleni yn cael ei henwi yn Gavin, Shane, Stephen a Gareth ar ôl yr arwyr 2005, arwyr bydd mor enwog a arwyr y 1970au.

Nid yn unig y rygbi sydd wedi denu torfeydd i Stadiwm y Mileniwm. Nol yn Ionawr cynhaliwyd cyngerdd i godi arian ar gyfer y rhai a effeithiwyd gan y tswnami a fwriodd Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka a Gwlad Thai.

Trefnwyd y gyngerdd mewn ugain diwrnod, gwerthwyd pob tocyn mewn tri diwrnod.

Gwerthwyd y mil tocyn ychwanegol a rhyddhawyd mewn ugain munud.

Fe godwyd £1.25 miliwn wrth i 60,000 gael ei diddanu gan Eric Clapton, Y Manics, Keane, Snow Patrol, GLC a rhestr fawr o fandiau eraill.

Roedd y gyngerdd yn wir llwyddiannus yn arddangos i’r bod Cymru yn gallu gwneud gwahaniaeth ar y lefel rhyngwladol.

Gwelwyd llwyddiant a’r lwyfan arall i Gymru ar y 25ain o Fai. Mewn seremoni yn y Royal Alber Hall yn Llundain fe gynhaliwyd y Classical Brit Awards ble gwelwyd Catherine Jenkins a Bryn Terfel yn cael eu gwobrwyo.

Derbyniodd Jenkins y wobr am ei

halbwm Second Nature i goroni flwyddyn a hanner i gofio i’r cantores. Roedd ei halbwm cyntaf, Premier, hefyd wedi cael ei enwebi ar gyfer y wobr.

Enillodd Bryn Terfel y wobr am Artist Gwryw y Flwyddyn. Bu raid i Terfel gohirio darllediad fyw o Opera Wagner De Walküre wedi salwch.

Mi fydd rhagor o gyfleon i Cymry gwneud enw ar y llwyfan rhyngwladol wrth i deg o Gymry deithio allan i Seland Newydd gyda’r Llewod.

Amser a ddengys a fydd mwy o lwyddiant yn dod i Gymru yn y misoedd nesaf.

Pleidleisiwch am eich Cymro neu Cymraes y flwyddyn a danfonwch uchafbwynt eich flwyddyn academaidd i ni.

Ebostiwch: tafod@gairrhydd.com

Chwith: Bydd Gethin Jenkins a Michael Owen yn gwynebu’r Crysau Duon ar daith y Llewod dros yr haf; Uchod: Gwyddelod Snow Patrol yn diddanu ar y llwyfan yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm yn ystod Cyngerdd y Tswnami; Mewnosod: Bryn Terfel a Katherine Jenkins ennillwyr yng ngwobrau y Classical Brit Awards 2005

Political Opinion

May 30 2005

Page 9

politics@gairrhydd.com

All just a little bit of history repeating

By Matthew Collinson

A

t the end of the 19th Century the major parties were the Tories and the newly re-christened Liberals (formerly Whigs). Trailing slightly behind was what was originally thought to be a fringe party – the Labour Party.

The Tories and Whigs had spent most of their time, through the course of the century, either striving to protect their positions or having shouting matches in the Commons.

Indeed, the parties were likened to two stagecoaches running side-byside, occasionally splashing one another with mud.

When eventually the middle classes became empowered by increasing industrialisation they demanded their say.

The lower and middle classes united, as the workers believed they too were central to the system, given that they were either doing the work provided by industrialisation, or looking for new jobs as a result of it.

With the Reform Act 1832 the upper, ruling classes enfranchised the middle classes. The workers felt betrayed.

In the remaining years of the century it became clear that the upper class, far from consolidating their power by a concession to the middle classes, had left themselves vulnerable to attack from below.

Eventually, there came no choice but to extend the vote further with the Reform Act of 1867, enfranchising all male home-owners.

BLAIR: No longer left-wing?

The Liberals became caught in between two other stagecoaches and were eventually squeezed out. The Liberals had begun to move away from the Tories, being as they were responsible both for the two extensions of the vote. Their move towards the middle of the re-defined political spectrum did not sit well with human nature’s tendency toward extremes.

They were pushed out.

In the mid-nineties, the Labour Party was reborn under the banner of ‘New Labour’. Having been in power since 1997, it has become clear that New Labour is not Old Labour. They are, indeed, quite conservative (with a small ‘c’). One might surmise that they realised, after 18 years of Tory (now ‘Conservative’ with a capital ‘C’) rule, that the only way to beat them was to join them.

The line-up now places Labour in

Labour no longer monopolise a wing of the political spectrum

the dangerous no-man’s land of the middle ground. They no longer monopolise a wing of the political spectrum.

The result of the General Election shows this. The Labour vote has fragmented, being split between the Conservatives and the Liberals – the Labour share of each seat dropping even as they win the seat itself.

Although the war is blamed heavily for the steep decline in the Labour majority, I suggest that it is rather these historical trends that are at play. Polls indicate that the Lib Dems have been steadily gathering support over the last four years – with no evident drop in support for the other two parties until now.

Iraq may have been the catalyst, but history shows that it was only ever a matter of time.

Celebrity nuggets

Kerry-Lynne Doyle embraces the people that politicians truly can’t ignore - celebrities

L

ike many people across the nation I was glued to Jamie’s School Dinners. I grimaced at his graphic production of chicken nuggets, I shouted at every person who cried ‘it can’t be done’, and I squealed with delight at Charles Clarke’s expression when he was greeted with his very own school dinner.

But when, in the wake of the programme, the government announced that they were giving more money to school dinners, I shared Oliver’s reservations that it took a television documentary to get these longneeded changes to happen. Have we really arrived at a point where it is only through television and celebrity that politicians will listen?

Of course high profile political campaigning is not a new phenomenon. The suffragettes chained themselves to railings, smashed windows and heckled their way to the vote, a campaign recently mirrored by Fathers 4 Justice and their superhero shenanigans.

Pop stars have long had the power to use their celebrity for political purposes. Bono, Chris Martin and Bob Geldof have all achieved a lot of good. After all, it is unlikely that Live Aid would have been the success it was if it was

organised by and featured members of the public.

Yet there are risks involved in high profile campaigning. For many years the suffragettes’ radical campaigning was used as an argument against enfranchising women; politicians used their actions - such as throwing acid on golf greens - against them to argue that women were too irrational for the vote.

Fathers 4 Justice have also attracted

mixed feelings from the public and the media for their unusual take on political campaigning, such as hurling a condom filled with flour across the House of Commons.

Sadly, while high profile, dramatic campaigns do attract attention, they can sometimes undermine what is a perfectly justifiable political cause by damaging its sincerity. But is there always another option? Sometimes

risky campaigns can be necessary.

One pressure group, the NUWSS, was formed in 1897 and advocated a peaceful, legal approach to the votes for women campaign; but it made little impact. Emmiline Pankhurst left the NUWSS to form the suffragettes in 1903, frustrated at its softly softly approach. She embraced instead a now infamous campaign of ‘actions not words’.

When questioned about their campaigns, Fathers 4 Justice defended themselves saying that their other approaches have been ignored. It is only their dramatic campaigns that got their cause into the public eye and, in our media-saturated times, any news is good news.

So while I initially felt troubled by the government’s response to Jamie’s School Dinners, it is, at the end of the day, a step forward.

Whatever the government’s motivations, (2005 elections anyone?) Jamie’s campaign has been successful. It was not just dramatic; it was practical proof that changes could be made.

Therefore, I applaud Mr Oliver for his political savvy. He understood that nowadays, if you want political change, celebrity and television are two mediums that refuse to be ignored. They are simply irresistible.

OLIVER: Pressure on school dinners

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

May 30 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd

FREE WORD De-fee-ted THIS WEEK HAS been a momentous occasion for students in Wales. Not only have the prospect of top-up fees been ruled out for a significant period of time, but this move also preempted the Rees report, which recommended the introduction of variable top-up fees.

The Tory motion ruling out fees was a victory for students and credit must go to the Welsh students unions who have lobbied so hard to stop the introduction of fees in this country – especially Gary Rees, Dan Hilton and Bethan Jenkins, presidents of Cardiff, Swansea and Aberystwyth respectively.

Despite calls from Rhodri Morgan and other Labour Assembly Members, top-up fees were discussed and ruled out, which shows the strength of opposition to this idea. Now a minority ruling party, Labour can no longer railroad legislation through.

Professor Rees has every right to be angry with the Welsh Assembly for pre-empting her conclusions, but Labour is most to blame. By not considering a no-fees option, the other political parties were given the opportunity to exploit Labour’s vunerability. Had their been a no-fees option, Rhodri Morgan’s calls to wait would have carried more weight.

Despite the conclusion that variable fees are the best way forward, there are some positives to come out of the Rees report. The National Bursary Scheme is a good ideal to ensure there is a level playing field for Welsh universities. The issue of part-time students are addressed.

The biggest issue now is that Wales will not be having top-up fees, where will the money come from to find higher education institutions?

This is a matter the Welsh Assembly needs

Letting the side down THE SUSPENSION OF CPS’ membership of the Association of Letting and Management Agencies prove that you must abide to a code of practice.

By removing their membership for 12 months, ALMA has sent a clear message out – your service is not good enough – a message the gair rhydd would echo.

Back in March we ran a story about a flat of girls who had been exposed to carbon monoxide poisoning – this story formed part of the evidence against CPS. Sub-standard practices by letting agents will not be tolerated. Every student has a horror landlord/agency story to tell – it is up to the same landlords and letting agents to ensure that they solve the complaint before the students feel the need to tell the story to the rest of the world.

Classless of 2005

By Bethany Whiteside

I

am sick and tired of students pitting themselves against one another in a non-existent class war. Those who glower at the students who receive monthly cheques from ‘mummy and daddy’, more often than not receive the full loan and are exempt from tuition fees anyway. And the microscopic minority who recoil at sharing the same toilet as someone from a council house should be grateful for the chance to leave their bigoted minds behind before it’s too late. But I digress.

The true days of ‘us versus them’ are thankfully over. Sufficient argument can be made that students are all scum together (in the eyes of some anyway), and as such should be united as our impending ‘rat-race’ life phase draws near.

Student life is a classless existence.

We all drink together, eat together, sleep together (literally and not quite so literally), and gain the same qualification, though with varying results. Also, remember nowadays brain power has little to do with your place in society, just as it finally has nothing to do with which genitals are present between your legs.

When meeting other students for the first time, the obligatory questions con-

cern which A-levels you took, and the name of your home town. Not on whether you attended a private or state school, on the type of car your father drives or how many designer clothes your mother dresses in.

While it is still arguable that Redbrick unis zoom in on ‘elite class’ students, many now face penalties for not accepting those students considered to have ‘working class’ status. It could almost be argued that a system of positive discrimination is now in existence.

“Brain power has little to do with your place in society” The notion that everyone moves onto university is becoming increasingly common-place. In our happy, careerdriven lifes, it is the next logical step from sixth-form. It is also the most sensible option for those who like to float around and postpone the inevitable: Namely getting a proper job.

Class aside, university is an integral part of life’s journey for all who attend.

Everyone has the chance to figure out what they want from life; job wise and partner wise. The world truly is our oyster.

But for now, Lidls, Lambrini, Neighbours and Pro-Plus abound are the hallmarks of the true student class.

And we’re pathetically proud of it.

Student Stereotypes

Stephanie the exam ritualist

By James Emtage Stephanie is already sitting in the exam room, 15 minutes early, eagerly anticipating the questions on Cognitive Psychology and Auditory Perception, waiting for it all to begin. She’s always first in, as soon as they open the doors, to allow herself time to begin the lengthy process of superstitious rituals that have to be completed before starting any exam.

Every one she has ever taken has been written using the same, roller ball, blue ink refillable pen – a present given to her by her granny the week before her SATs exams that she took at primary school back at the age of ten. That pen has gotten her through so much; she’d hate to jinx things now by switching to a biro.

Taking advice from a recent study claiming stimulants boost attention span, Steph virtually takes a mini picnic into her three hour examinations. At the front of her desk she lines up a can of energy drink, a bottle of water, two individually wrapped pieces of chewing gum, a small cup cake and a banana.

All of which were taken into the

exam room in the specified transparent re-sealable freezer bags that she found in the kitchenware isle of Tesco Extra just after Easter.

‘They could do with being in the stationary aisle as well’, she thought to herself as she put two boxes in her basket.

She once took in a small thermos flask, but found there wasn’t room on her desk as her bedside alarm clock (which accompanies her to every exam) was already taking up the space. ‘It’s hard to see the main clock sometimes’, she protested when her course mate called her a gimp.

Exam days all have to follow a set pattern, tried and tested since her GCSEs. Bed by 11, awake at six, skim read condensed notes, eat cereal and one fruit, drink one peppermint tea and go to the toilet twice before. Once before and she needs to go again half way through – ‘such an inconvenience’. She tuts at those who fidget their way through the time, pitying them for clearly not having found a thread to go on.

Fortunately for Steph, that rarely happens to her, bar that one awful exception at the end of the second year. But then that was the exam that she’d forgotten her lucky troll. Just goes to show the significance of your lucky charms, she told herself afterwards.

gair rhydd’s

ROOM 101 This week, Room 101 is excitingly branching out. It is based on the grating, inane and downright annoying aspects of life that make the good people at gair rhydd towers find existence a real drag at times.

Try not to get too orgasmic at the concept that you will be getting inside our heads that little bit more than before you read this. It is a little bit thrilling - it has to be said.

The results? We do not like...

Apple Mac computers, printers, Linda Barker, Michael Winner, Thursday nights, wristbands, Media Award judges, leaving university, Uri Gellar, Menon, Sport slacking off at an early hour, girls wearing high cut tops in summer, not owning a car, fembots, manbots, road signs in Welsh, pseudonyms, nouns, adjectives, verbs, English language, palindromes, having to shave, court orders, plagiarism, CPS, little ginger twats, tortology, quizzing people on

names of arguments, JPEGs, NUS, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Tax dodgers, Xpress Radio, Taf-Od, bilingualism, monolinguism, long words, people who use long words wrongly, German gangster wannabes, the Daily Mail, holiday reps, cosmetics employees in department stores, World News, lack of air conditioning in the office, YOU, arrogance, humility, vanity, superficiality, fishing, gaffer tape, revision, gloating, cockinesss, The BNP, Izzy from Neighbours, www.thenausea.com, skatting, snuff films, dissertations, essays, Kat Fletcher’s seriousness, not being able to think of things to put in Room 101, defecating in a disposal bin, car parks, smell of tramp urine, Carol Vorderman, Linda Barker, The Summer Ball line-up, washing-up, ignorance, rudeness, people who ‘tut’, women with clip boards, York Vision, The Oxford Student, The Leeds Student, the pressure of being

so damn attractive, being deluded, pizza, cheap pizza that makes you vomit, The Man, seedy men, selfimportance, stinky belches, flickering lights, people who think they are too cool for school, having to go food shopping, NME, cats, dogs, ants, people who have the same choice filling in a baguette all the time, Plymouth Argyle, Christians, Agnostics, Atheists, maths, George Bush, indecisiveness, not washing, contraception of all variations, Des and Mel, being a MSN whore, the plague, journalists, hangovers, running out of Pro-Plus, Michael Schumacher, organic food, pseudomotivation, GOD channels, not having an iPod, having a wedgie in public, headaches, sleep deprivation, bitterness, people chasing me with big books, comedians who are not funny, anticlimax, Graham Coxon leaving Blur, sambuca, men, frigid school girls, paedophiles, pretentiousness, having to edit a

paper, cricket, middle class white people thinking they are black, periods, The Phantom Menace, the Talybont phantom wanker, Menon leaving us prematurely, having to walk places, lethargy, kicking a ball in the corridor when trying to revise, argumentative people, people who refuse to listen, stuttering, rambling, the word ‘cunt’, everything, Dick and Dom, Chuckle Brothers, Mazda MX5, Crazy Frog, Tory students who should have the intelligence to know better, panic attacks, otherness, running out of toilet paper, chocolate and cheese, retarded students, kevs and kevinas and postmodernity.

want to contribute to the

gair rhydd?

MEETINGS ON MONDAYS AT 2.15

Editorial & Opinion

May 30 2005

Page 11

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Battle of the bots continues Confessed fembot Kerry-Lynne Doyle unmasks the truth about manbots

F

embot n. female student of immaculate appearance and dress; often says little in seminars and other participatory elements of university courses.

By many people’s standards, I am a fembot. I have natural blonde hair (with just the slightest bit of help from a bleach bottle), don smart clothes in lectures and wear make up to my pesky 9am seminars which, incidentally, I do speak in. With Cardiff ’s fembots attracting a lot of attention in gair rhydd of late, I thought it was about time to set something straight: this phenomenon is not restricted to females. Cardiff is also besieged by the manbots.

Manbots are young men who are devoted to cultivated grunge, the custom of wearing hideously expensive clothes with meticulously scruffy hair to look as if they have made no effort at all. When referring to manbots I am making no assumptions about their intelligence or willingness to participate in university; in fact, the manbot craze is sweeping young men across the UK in general, not just fellow university students.

Manbots are everywhere and resistance is futile.

My first encounter with manbots happened at college. This particular manbot spent much time angsting, playing the guitar and ensuring that

his appearance was perfectly dishevelled. At first I was fooled; I genuinely believed that he rolled out of bed looking just the right side of scruffy.

That was until we started talking about how long it took us to get ready and I found out that he spent more time doing his hair than me. (N.B. This was a period of my life when I was battling with my curls and straightening my hair for twenty minutes a day.)

Manbots: devoted to cultivated grunge My illusions of his appearance were duly shattered; every scrap of his hair was sculpted to unkempt perfection. It was my first lesson in the laws of the manbot.

When I arrived at university I found that this phenomenon had exploded. I was surrounded by guys in vintage tee-shirts (mass produced

by Top Shop), artfully battered trainers and jeans (courtesy of Envy) and suspiciously straight and sun-kissed hair (the product of two hours at Toni and Guy). With each lecture, this trend seemed to grow; we fembots

were outnumbered by a disproportionately large amount of tattered gods.

The habitat of a manbot has now expanded to the UK music scene.

Waxed chests and cheeky boy band grins have been ousted by the manbots; roll neck sweaters and blonde ‘curtains’ have been replaced with fading tees, pin-badges and shaggy locks.

Bands like the Killers (kill me now, please), Kasabian and Bloc Party epitomise manbot chic – minimum effort, maximum appeal.

But the secret is out. Manbots don’t take five minutes to shower, do their hair and chuck on some clothes.

Each hair flick, jean scuff and centimetre of stubble takes effort.

Manbots are as aware of what they are doing as girls who wear their thongs above their jeans - we know you didn’t ‘accidentally’ let your Agent Provocateur lacy thong move a yard above your trouser line.

Manbots spend as much time getting ready as their female counterparts.

They just don’t like us to know it.

So watch out manbots; we know your secret. You spend time on your hair so that it looks like you haven’t; you buy your jeans customised to look faded and ripped and you spend just as much money on clothes as fembots.

BECKHAM: Bathroom-hogging twat

Fight for the right to be ‘wrong’

By Caleb Woodbridge

S

ome people’s opinions are just daft. I won’t point you to the gair rhydd Letters page as evidence for this. Far more entertaining examples can be found on that twenty-first century freakshow, Big Brother. Who can forget Jade Goody’s infamous opinions that East Anglia is somewhere abroad, for example?

Hopefully the new series will provide similar comedy value.

However, the majority of the controversy surrounding Big Brother stems from the opinions voiced by the social rejects chosen to go on the show. This brings us to one of the dafter ideas going around at the moment: people are entitled to their opinions because they are "valid".

Valid is, unfortunately, a much abused term. Why are people entitled to their opinions? Well, if you mean by a ‘valid’ opinion that someone is entitled to hold, then the answer boils down to "People are entitled to hold opinions because their opinions are ones they are entitled to hold". You are then arguing in circles and are in danger of getting dizzy.

If you look in the dictionary, you’ll find that ‘Valid’ actually means that something has a logical or reasonable basis. The trouble is, many people’s beliefs simply do not have a logical or reasonable basis.

Take, for example, another infamous Jadeism - Saddam Hussein is a boxer. Is that a valid opinion? Of course not: it is provably untrue. You can demonstrate this by going to Iraq

to ask anybody, or looking at news reports and so on. So does Jade have the right to believe the Earth is flat?

Of course she does.

Why? Why should people be allowed to be wrong?

If the right to people’s freedom of belief is based on the validity of their beliefs, you are faced with two dangers. Firstly, that someone will seek to decide which beliefs are valid or

The Flat Earth Society don’t believe in New Zealand either

not and so prescribe what people can and can’t believe.

The second possibility will be that in an attempt to maintain freedom of speech, people will insist that all opinions are valid. However, this will also hinder free speech. In the rush to be tolerant and inclusive, people are forbidden to point out when someone’s beliefs aren’t valid, but are a load of tosh. Tolerance becomes a matter of agreeing never to disagree, which silences debate, rather than agreeing to disagree, which allows both disagreement and cooperation.

After all, if you agree with someone, there’s nothing to tolerate.

So what should people’s freedom of belief and of speech be based on?

Well, my belief is that people must have the responsibility of deciding for themselves what they believe to be true. Hopefully people will be willing to listen to others, debate and discuss things rationally, but in the end, it comes down to the individual person.

Equally, people’s beliefs should not necessarily be respected - they might be nonsense, but a person should still be treated with respect because they are a person, whether you agree with them or not. If you

respect the person rather than the belief, then you can both have genuine discussion and genuine politeness and tolerance.

That’s the basis on which I hope the new student society I’m helping set up will run. The idea is for it to be a place for people to meet up, discuss their views, think them through and take action on the basis of them. But to ensure freedom of speech and discussion (including of this idea), the rule will be to respect the people, not necessarily their beliefs.

People must decide for themselves what they believe is true

Well, that’s my opinion. Whether or not it’s valid I now leave to you to consider, but either way, I’m entitled to it. Not because it’s necessarily any good or true at all, but that’s my responsibility as a human being, just as it is yours.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 12

opinion@gairrhydd.com

Speeding policeman: should society allow him to get away scott-free?

By Dan Ridler

A

t 159 miles per hour, 71 metres of scenery is tearing past the window every second. You pass other vehicles in a flash and the car becomes extremely sensitive to even small steering inputs.

We’re not talking Silverstone and this isn’t Fernando Alonso. This picture was the view PC Mark Milton had of the M54 near Telford. He wasn’t going to an emergency; he wasn’t chasing a criminal. He was just driving a police car, burning taxpayers’ cash on taxpayers time. Worst of all he got away with it. He walks free, and continues to wear a police uniform.

A judge let PC Milton off on the 19th of this month. It’s hardly as if there wasn’t enough evidence to prosecute the constable; the obviously forgetful officer recorded himself doing this speed on his onboard camera. Passing mere feet away from lorries on a two lane motorway he mindlessly, pointlessly and thoughtlessly endangered the lives of every other road user for his own amusement.

How did this hapless waste of taxpayers’ money escape the prison sentence, ban and fine that the rest of the population would have undoubtedly received if we had been utterly stupid enough to record ourselves at 159 miles per hour? Apparently, according to his defence, he was practising, claiming he needed to know the capabilities of the vehicle before he drove it "on the job".

This is utter trash. Nobody needs to drive at those speeds to know the capabilities of their car. It’s fairly simple stuff: if you’re doing 40, put your foot down and discover a couple of seconds later that you’re doing 70 and are still in second gear, it’s pretty safe to assume you have a vehicle capable of over 150 mph.

This isn’t the only problem with Mr. Milton’s argument though. Both he and the judge obviously forgot that there is no reason whatsoever to drive at these speeds on normal police duty.

Police have a duty to protect the public. This action is the antithesis of that mindset; he was in fact putting the public in danger.

At no point should the police be doing these speeds, not even chasing a murderer. There is no point in causing more deaths, no matter how badly the criminal is wanted, and this is the

reason that the police in this country refuse to use the American style fishtailing manoeuvre.

At 160 miles per hour stopping distance is in excess of 325 metres, add to that the thinking time and movement time from accelerator to brake and you are looking at a distance closing on half a kilometre.

This distance would be reached in less than two seconds at that speed.

How can this ever be safe on any road except a racetrack? Even police training vehicles are not permitted to do more than 120 mph.

The fact that this constable walks free and untouched by the law is a travesty of justice. The police do not have an exemption to break the speed limits, certainly not by 100 miles per hour. The only exemption that the police have is in the course of their duty. If the duty of the police is to razz around in a 3.2 litre Vectra for no reason at all then we seriously need to overhaul our system.

Anybody else would have gone down the stairs for what this man did.

So should he. The fact that he walks free is an utter disgrace to police forces everywhere in this country.

How the hell is a police officer supposed to stop and fine me for doing 35 in a 30 with any self-respect if this kind of behaviour goes unpunished.

"Sorry officer, I was just testing…"

This trial is a joke and thanks to an idiotic judge who thinks the fuzz can do no wrong, a precedent has once again been set for the police to do whatever the hell they like. A justice and law keeping system is based on respect for those who uphold it. But if they can’t discipline their own, where do they expect this respect to come from?

I’d like to say this result surprised me, but it really didn’t. I lost faith in our system a long time ago. We need an overhaul of the judicial system to remove the middle-class fuddy duddies and replace them with some real people in touch with the population.

Until this happens, until everyone can see justice being done, respect for the letter of the law will be, if upheld, never more than lipservice. So to the police: prove you are worthy of our respect and do what should have been done in the courts. Get Milton out of a uniform that he clearly holds no respect for, and bring somebody in who understands the gravity of their role and the value of life. That’ll be the day.

SAFER OPTION: An alternative mode of police transport

May 30 2005

Geordie

May 30 2005

Page 13

columnist@gairrhydd.com

Geordie Read this, and in the morning you’ll be 17.8% safer

Imminent graduation ceremonies: BA? I Pity the Fool

M

oney: it makes the world go round. It’s most students’ principle concern, even if it’s just for whether they have enough of it on a Saturday night to make the ceiling go round. None of us want to be stung for more cash. Few of us want to have to pay for own education, be it through top-up fees or the Liberal Democrats’ proposed graduate tax.

Under their scheme, we would pay an extra penny in tax for every pound (or possibly Euro, but that’s a debate for another time) of our hard-earned cash for the rest of our lives.

Education in this country used to be free: it was paid for by government grants even under Queen Maggie and let’s face it, if money is the root of all evil then Lady Thatcher is the trunk of that particular tree.

At first sight it seems absurd that the powers-that-be are willing to fund our learning between the ages of 4 and 18 and, via the various research councils, postgraduate study after completing a first degree, but aren’t willing to subsidise that initial under-

graduate qualification.

Yet, if you think about it, it’s not absurd at all. It made sense for the taxpayer to pay for our University schooling when that higher education was of some value to the country – i.e. when our greater earning potential and subsequent taxation meant that the cost of our time spent in these wonderful institutions was quickly returned to the Chancellor’s coffers.

Degree certificate: fifteen grand’s worth of budgie-cage lining.

Thanks Now our degrees have become devalued to the point where most of us, upon graduation, will be starting our working lives with jobs we could have done straight out of Compton

sixth form three or four years ago and earning precisely bugger all. Or in the case of the Journalism students surrounding me, probably less.

It’s not too cynical to suggest that the last four years of my life haven’t been spent entirely wisely.

Graduation day is a few weeks away.

I can picture it now: get up, walk on stage, doff, shake Vice-Chancellor’s hand, get handed what, at 15 grand, is probably the most expensive bit of budgie-cage lining ever.

I jest, of course. That’s not really where my degree certificate’s going to end up. Aside from anything else, my budgie died years ago. No, instead it’ll be going in the desk drawer with all my other meaningful certificates: the St. John’s Ambulance First Aid certificate I got aged 11 (when I could barely spell CPR) and my full attendance certificates from school (that I got despite numerous days of absence).

Anybody can get a degree now. If Old Labour’s vision of a classless society was the removal of a ruling class, New Labour’s is an attempt to make as many people as possible

THE YOUNG ONES: gair rhydd columnists

middle class by pushing them through university. It’s not the sheer number of people that’s the problem, though.

It’s that many of them have absolutely no business being on a degree scheme.

I went to school with a chap whom a teacher at another local school suggested “shouldn’t be in mainstream education”. He’s now at university well, Sunderland - doing a degree (Business for Mongers or some such

Morons: I admire your tenacity, but give up. Go home.

Please

shite). Even at a respected institution such as ours, I know people who have scraped through a Foundation year, failed the first year twice and then changed degree course and started again. While I admire the guy’s tenacity, give up son. Seriously. Go home.

And believe me, there’s hundreds of them.

There was a debate around this time last year when a lot of people realised for the first time that the pass mark in the rest of the University of Wales is 35 percent, whereas in Cardiff it’s 40, so some students failing in Cardiff would have passed in other Welsh institutions.

If I was regularly getting around 35 percent I’d be seriously questioning my position as an undergraduate student, yet these people push on and happily get shitty degrees.

I’m convinced that stereotypes exist for a reason, and the public perception of students is now as idiotic vomiting scroungers (to be honest, this includes me) when as recently as

ten years ago we were perceived as intellectual scamps, working hard yet finding time for heavy drinking, mischief and political activism.

The latter is something with which we are rather unfamiliar. The turnout for the top-up fees demonstration was pitiful, and the two biggest debates all year on the pages of this newspaper have been about peoples’ choice of clothing. And that’s in an election year. Dear. God. I’m sure many of them are still quite intelligent, but this is completely overshadowed by the unadulterated ignorance displayed by the vocal majority.

If this is the quality of your average student, then perhaps my old man’s constant jibes about saving up enough cereal boxes to get my degree are justified.

By the time this goes to print, the Rees report will have been published, exploring alternatives to top-up fees to fund higher education. Here’s a cunning plan: stopping letting in halfwits.

Degrees will mean something again - they’ll be something special, separating the genuinely intelligent from the shade-above-tabloid-reader types - and government funding of students won’t seem quite as grievous as the Millenium Dome in the pissing-away-money stakes.

Even better, reintroduce grants for the top ten or 20 universities, and those that might actually contibute post-graduation don’t have the financial burden. It encourages hard work before and after starting their degree.

Those that aren’t amongst the cream of the crop think about doing something they might actually be halfway good at, and the likes of Slough Polytechnic might do the decent thing and close, sparing the rest of us the shame of having the same qualification as complete knobs.

Elitism: the way forward.

Labour Government: You’ll never vote alone

R

easons for supporting one poliical party over another are delightfully varied. From actual agreement with policy to settling for the option that isn’t the Conservative party to holding a grudge against a party that were a little bit nasty 20 years ago.

Yet there’s an overwhelming tendency in certain parts of the UK to cast votes in elections along the lines of traditional family-party support.

There are actually vast numbers of people who will vote for Labour because their Dad did. After the General Election, the North of England and South Wales’ vote map looked like an old tampon, such was the domination of New Labour’s dirty

red across the region.

I’d like to think that people have a mind of their own, and are open to rethinking their vote plans if the party they previously support ed has changed but they have not.

Apparently, this isn’t the case.

Those who claim they’d never vote Tory because of that whole 80s debacle are seemingly unaware that Blair’s remodelled Labour party is now just as content to shit all over them.

The electorate can’t be unaware that the Labour with which they grew up isn’t the same idealistic Socialist party any more, and cares as much about the average worker as they do about pet cemeteries being classified as landfill (an issue about which wor Tony was nothing short of derisive in

the first Prime Minister’s questions of the new Parliament).

Elements of the public insist on treating politics like they would a football team: once they’ve decided who they’re supporting, their minds are made up and nothing is going to stop them following that party through thick and thin. Even if the reasons they initially chose that party not only no longer exist but are actually contrary to current policy.

Only players change teams, or politicians in this case, and switching allegiance is a heinous crime, tantamount to treason in a world where emotion rules and all reason goes straight down the tubes the second an election is called.

The Labour party has changed. The

Conservative party has changed. The Liberal Democrats have pretty much stayed the same.

It really isn’t hard to take a look and see that political parties are dynamic, ever-changing entities, but the electorate shouldn’t be.

Just because there’s a historical precedent of Labour/Tory votes, that doesn’t automatically require continuing to vote the same way always and forever (amen) if the party completely reverses policy.

It is actually perfectly acceptable to reconsider voting options between General Elections, to take into account the government’s performance, situation of the country or economy and changes in party policy.

Think for a minute.

BLAIR: not Shevchenko

Moan all you like. I’m only here for one more issue anyway. Reply to columnist@gairrhydd.com

Interview

Page 14

May 30 2005

interviews@gairrhydd.com

Seeking Mel C Matt Wilkin talks to the artist formally known as Sporty Spice about her new album, turning 30, and life after that girl band

A

“I’m a lot happier now in a dodgy old van traipsing around the country playing smelly little clubs, which is ironic isn’t it?”

long with thousands of other pre-teens at the time, I had Spice Girls posters on my bedroom wall. I make no excuses for it. The late 90s was dominated by all things Girl Power: from CDs and videos, to crisps and cans of cola.

Even for those who hated them with a passion, the Spice phenomenon was hard to escape.

So as I await the arrival of the artist formally known as Sporty Spice, Melanie C, at her Bristol hotel, prior to the evening’s solo gig in the city, I am feeling more than a little apprehensive.

But when we meet, the nerves disappear. Much smaller and prettier in real life, she greets me with a warm smile and handshake before leading the way to her hotel room for our chat.

Melanie has enjoyed considerable solo success since the Spice Girls disbanded in 2000.

And, though it seems almost impossible, she has co-written 11 number ones – more than any other female artist in chart history.

Yet after a well-received debut album, Northern Star – which featured the singles Never Be The Same Again and I Turn To You – her follow up fared less successfully and Virgin, her record company of six years, dropped her.

Undeterred, Mel’s new album Beautiful Intentions, a self-penned rocky collection bursting with live energy, has been released on her own label – surely yet another act of formidable girl power?

“So many people aren’t ready to accept me to be anything other than Sporty Spice. It’s quite ridiculous” "Of course," she says with a smile.

"But we went about making this album quite differently to my previous two.

Before we went into the studio, we did a small tour and played the new songs to see the reactions. That gave us a lot of confidence with the material."

Fighting fit after a bout of flu caused her to postpone the initial dates, Melanie’s club tour has gone down well ("my audiences have always been great"), and admits the venues she has performed in have further set her apart from her pop background.

During the 1998 Spiceworld tour,

NO LOOKING BACK: Melanie C is happy as a solo artist and (INSET) gives it her all live on stage the Spice Girls played 103 sell-out arena shows, including dates in Europe and America, culminating in consecutive nights at Wembley Stadium.

"The venues I’m playing are more appropriate for the style of music I’m doing," she says.

"All those experiences of playing stadiums and arenas were fantastic but I’m a lot happier now in a dodgy old van traipsing around the country playing smelly little clubs, which is ironic isn’t it?"

But Mel was disappointed that a stop in Wales did not appear on the tour schedule. She has just set up

home in Monmouthshire after working with Cardiff native Greg Haver, who produced the new record, and whose previous credits include the Manic Street Preachers, Super Furry Animals and Catatonia.

"I’m sure everyone will believe me when I say of course I wanted to play in Wales, but setting up a tour is down to the promoter, and depends on the availability of venues.

"I’ve played Cardiff a few times, and I’ve got a lot of connections with South Wales.

"Unfortunately, work’s taking me all over the place at the moment, so I’m not spending much time there, but

I do love it in Cardiff," she says.

The Spice Girls formed in 1994, and went on to become the most successful girl group ever, scoring nine number one singles and turning the world Spice crazy. How does Melanie feel when she reflects on that period of her life?

"The whole of my time with the Spice Girls was amazing, and has set me in good stead to go on and have a solo career.

"We were all ambitious and pretty confident we were going to be successful because we were a cocky bunch. But we just felt that there was something quite magic between us:

there was a certain chemistry.

"It was really fun to be part of something that huge. But it was a ‘thing’ and all our music was written for what we represented.

"Now I’m writing from personal experience. I’m a lot happier now with everything artistically and in my personal life than I was then."

She is more than happy to shun the media spotlight these days too.

"As time’s gone on, I’ve tried to get out of the limelight as much as I can, and just keep my head down and get on with my work.

"It took quite a few years for the press to realise that I wasn’t playing ‘the game’ but now they give me a bit more breathing space."

She admits her Spice persona has taken some time to shake off, though.

"There are still a lot of misconceptions out there because so many people aren’t ready to accept me to be anything other than Sporty Spice," she says wryly. "It’s quite ridiculous because all of us grow up and mature, and I’m an individual now."

Next July will mark ten years since the release of Wannabe, the Spice Girls’ debut single, so I offer Mel the chance to put the record straight on all those reunion rumours.

"It’s something that’s never been discussed," she asserts. "I think it would be unfair for the anniversary to go by without acknowledging it, but I don’t intend to ever record or tour with the girls again."

But that’s not to say she and the rest of the group no longer get on.

"So much time has passed that we’ve healed from the whole experience," she says.

"We’re not best buddies but we definitely keep in touch and make sure everyone’s doing OK." Last year, Melanie turned 30, so how is life treating her?

"I feel a bit more grown up now, and you just realise that life doesn’t have to be that painful. Just chill out, relax and enjoy it. That would be my advice to all you students…just watch those overdrafts."

The album Beautiful Intentions is out now. The new single Better Alone is released in July.

Media

May 30 2005

Page 15

media@gairrhydd.com

Ethics of the inside job

Taking a look at the history of investigative journalism, gair rhydd asks: is going undercover all about celebrity scandal or for the good of public interest?

By Ellie Cowley Media Reporter

W

hen talking of investigative journalism, Channel Four’s Dispatches journalist Jenny Kleeman is a prime example. Volunteering, undercover, to be involved in the New Labour press office in the recent elections, she revealed the devious work of political spin in a documentary aired on the terrestrial channel.

Other stories by BBC reporters who famously infiltrated the police exposed institutional racism. Some aren’t so lucky, however. Recently a Panorama reporter got sprung trying to get behind the NHS, wasting licence and tax payers’ money.

So faced with the hassle of living a lie and a host of legal restrictions, what

NIXON: Scandal King

lengths are acceptable for the press to get to the ‘truth’?

Cast your mind back to the days of the Watergate scandal for example, when two investigative reporters for the Washington Post effectively forced the resignation of US President Richard Nixon. With due cause, I might add. For it is under no circumstances fair play for the most powerful man in the world to abuse his power. In these terms, Nixon was so far over the line he had walked over it twice without realising.

It was on June 17 1972 that five people were arrested for breaking and entering the Watergate complex. It was later discovered that this was actually a ‘follow up’ break-in, of which the primary goal was to photograph political documents and readjust bugging devices that Nixon and his cronies previously instructed them to set up. The Republicans were indulging in some seriously heavy eavesdropping of the Democrats’ presidential campaign tactics.

Nixon then attempted to conceal tapes crucial to the evidence of the investigation. Had it not been for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the whole affair may well have slipped past the public as an inconsequential political mishap.

But, thankfully, this was not to be.

From the first whiff of scandal to Nixon’s resignation speech, Bernstein and Woodward never stopped digging the dirt and the Washington Post never stopped publishing it.

The web of deceit, lies and political

Case of the X

By Heather Casey Deputy Media Editor

A

fter establishing 87.7 FM as Xpress Radio’s new Restricted Service License (RSL) home, London-based XFM is stepping in to battle for Cardiff’s ‘alternative’ student and resident audience.

The month’s broadcasting, starting Monday June 6, is the final leg of a national broadcasting tour designed to promote the stations available on DAB transmission in Cardiff and Newport.

The award-winnng station has many a celebrity DJs in its midst. Popular on XFM are Ricky Gervais, Lauren Lavern’s drive time show and Channel Four’s hairiest West Country presenter, Justin Lee Collins.

Promoting the station’s visit will be an extensive flyering campaign, already seen in some students’ coffee retreats, followed by a poster campaign in the city centre.

Cardiff University students will have the chance to encounter the antics of the indie rock station, when touring events kick off at the Union’s Fun

Factory on Monday June 6.

The broadcast will focus on Cardiff from the week starting Monday June 20, with Iain Baker asking the city of Cardiff for their requests on his regular 1-4pm show.

With the remainder of the schedule ‘simulcast’ from London, differences will be in localised weather and travel for the Welsh capital.

Off air, live events will span Cardiff, from a remix night in Moloko, Clwb Ifor Bach’s ‘Popscene’ getting the Xfm treatment and an ‘X-posure’ live night at Barfly.

GCAP buddy Red Dragon FM will be part of the action, co-hosting an exclusive Athlete gig with London’s popular alternative station.

More information can be found on www.xfm.co.uk/cardiff.

sabotage they uncovered still employs the speculation of historians today. Yet the American public gained the one thing denied from them by the one man they needed it from most: the truth.

Thus, our story ends happily. Nixon was kicked off his throne of lies by investigative journalism.

More recently, we’ve had the likes of David Blunkett taking more than a little media flak. The Sun reported that

Journalists access private records, hospital and adoption papers Blunkett, the then British Home Secretary, was caught fiddling the visa system to get the nanny of his lover’s children into the UK. The BBC reported that on March 15 2003 Leoncia Casalme, who worked as a nanny for Blunkett’s lover, Kimberly Quinn, applied for ‘indefinite leave to remain in the UK’.

When she later received the reply that it could take until the following January to resolve her case, Quinn reputedly told her she had a ‘friend’ who could ‘help’. Less than two weeks later, Casalme miraculously received news that she could stay in the UK indefinitely.

The visa fiddle was the final indis-

crepancy from the now Work and Pensions Secretary. Under media scrutiny were issues over train tickets and battling for access to see his married lover’s children. The Sunday Telegraph, The Mirror and the Daily Mail succeeded in revealing the darker side of Downing Street.

How far should we allow the inappropriate behaviour of politicians to slip past the guards? Isn’t influencing a decision of the Home Office still an abuse of power?

Yet as free thinking citizens, surely we should not let our healthy dislike of politicians stop us from also asking the question: can the press go too far?

Surely everyone deserves some privacy?

A reporter rummaging through the rubbish of a famous person seems to be commonplace. Begging us to evaluate the integrity of the investigative journalist, we read how tabloids have been funding ‘Benji Pell the Binman’ for over ten years. Pell makes a lucrative profit from selling secrets he finds in celebrities’ trash to tabloid newspapers.

There is a number of cases where journalists have apparently gained information by accessing ex-directory phone numbers, mobile phone accounts, hospital records and even adoption papers. These actions are totally illegal; blatantly for the incitation of gossip and little else.

Trash trawling has another social concern - the worrying pattern of an increase in gossip stories in the press causing a decline in the level of serious news stories.

BLUNKETT: Caught out This highlights serious implications for democracy, politics and our sanity in general.

Although it is true that one of the main functions of the press should be to hold politicians accountable, there is such a thing as being too intrusive.

Perhaps we would all fare better if journalists had a little more guidance on these matters.

Finally, isn’t constantly spoon feeding us gossip all the time just the press’s way of getting fast and cheap news on the shelf?

Surely it is a little insulting to be treated as a commodity in this way.

Don’t we have enough magazines, the likes of Heat, which contain enough gossip to fulfil our needs? Let us keep the reporting functional, keeping power on its public serving toes, and not worrying about what it had for its lunch.

Health

Page 16

May 30 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

Stop tearing your hair out There are alternatives to letting stress get the better of you during the exam period. Health looks into some quick and easy ways of beating stress.

By Jess Boydell Health Editor

E

xam fever can do strange things to the body. While headaches, insomnia, and irritability may feel normal around this time of year, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to put up with them.

Nearly everyone will suffer from stress at one time in their life but for university students, exams can be the biggest trigger. With so many people suffering with stressrelated ailments, it is becoming a modern day epidemic.

Stress in itself isn't necessarily harmful since we need a little to drive us, but for many, too much can be damaging. Often high blood pressure, depression and even heart attacks can be the result of excess stress and so it is best to tackle it while it is manageable.

Try making your revision (and your life) a little less stressful with Health's easy tips to help you perform better but at the same time stay healthy.

Stress and your diet Your stress is almost undoubtedly linked to the pressure of exams and essays, unfortunately, these factors cannot be removed. Try to relieve your

stress by dealing with other factors which may be aggravating your mood such as basic nutrition.

Eating well Microwave meals are the staple quick fix during exams because no matter how much you revise there doesn’t seem enough hours in the day to justify cooking. If you are going for quick and easy meals, try choosing convenience foods which will provide you with a balance of meat, vegetables and carbohydrates to keep you fit in mind and body.

While a cheese pizza or fish and chips might be quick and cheap, they can be excessively fatty and lacking in vegetables and nutrients vital for good brain functioning. Instead, try a spaghetti bolognese or lasagne which will provide you with meat, vegetables and carbs.

Often fruit and vegetables go out the window when you are busy but this can have the worst effect on your body. You can become tired easier, you are more susceptible to colds and illness and your brain won’t function as well.

The key is balance and, while you may not be able to balance your time, you can balance your meals.

Nuts, seeds and dried fruit are good for picking at when you are revising and will keep your energy levels up.

Try swapping the crisps for bananas and honey, which are not only brilliant brain foods, but a great source of ener-

gy too.

Plus, if you swap your Frosties for porridge you will be getting a lot of energy throughout the day. Oats release energy slowly and will sustain you for longer through the day, rather than giving you a short burst of energy.

Quick tip: If you are going for a quick take-away, don’t refuse the salad with the kebab!

Water, water everywhere Red Bull and coffee may seem like the best ways to keep you awake while revising, but in doing this you often cut out vital water in your diet.

Both drinks contain caffeine, which is a drug that acts as a stimulant to the heart and central nervous system.

Although it wakes you up for a bit, its effects are only short-term and can often leave you more tired afterwards.

Plus, caffeine is a diuretic which means that you produce more urine leaving you dehydrated. Because you need to be drinking seven glasses of water a day, drinks such as these can leave you even more tired, meaning your brain won't be functioning as well.

Try filling a bottle with water and taking regular sips as you revise. That way you will be keeping yourself hydrated, without having to think about it.

A re y o u s t re s s e d ?

Some common signs of too much stress include: * * * * * * * *

Increased irritability Heightened sensitivity to criticism Signs of tension, such as nail biting Difficulty getting to sleep and early morning waking Increased use of alcohol or cigarettes Indigestion Loss of concentration Nightmares or hallucinations

Need some professional help?

If you feel your stress is getting out of hand then contact your GP or the University Health Centre next to the front of the Students' Union.

Health’s Exam Stress Tips

*Exercise

SITTING IN A cramped position when you are revising can mean that blood is not circulating well. You should get up and have a walk around the house every hour and try stretching out your muscles to release tension. By doing this blood can flow better to your brain, which is the main place that will need it!

You should also try to keep up exercise during revision. *Herbal teas While it might seem like you REVISING JITTERS can't spare the time, you will Camomile - A known relaxant find that an hour taking a run which means it can help both or exercise class will help you your tense muscles and your revise more effectively in the throbbing head. Slowly sip a long run. This is because exercup of camomile tea during cise gives you a burst of enerrevision or at specific periods gy to wake you up when you of worry. are getting sluggish. It helps circulation and keeps you trim for the end of exams’ ball.

*Pre-exam nerves

GINGER – Ginger is brilliant for getting rid of stress-related nausea so try grating a small knob of ginger into a hot cup of water and slowly drinking it before the exam.

That way you will be able to stomach your much needed breakfast before the exam, but also stop you rushing for the toilet every five minutes.

*Talk-time

EVERYONE WILL be suffering from stress over the next month which means everyone knows what each other is going through. If you are suffering and stress is getting out of hand, talk to someone. Your fellow students will, undoubtedly, know what you are going through, while chatting will help release some tension and stop you from worrying when you should be asleep.

*Relaxation techniques

DEEP BREATHING: When you begin to get panicky try taking some deep breaths.

This will force you to concentrate on something other than your work but also regulate your breathing. The extra oxygen will have a calming effect on you and will calm your thumping heart beat.

TAKE SIPS OF COLD WATER If you are getting very panicky, as this will calm you down.

YOGA AND PILATES: These exercises are renowned for their calming qualities and are a great way to get a bit of exercise while de-stressing. There are classes through the gym which will set you back less than £2.

Science

May 30 2005

Page 17

science@gairrhydd.com

WHAT LIES BENEATH As world oil resources begin to run out, Antarctica may have the answers

Science in brief

By Ceri Morgan Deputy Science Editor

D

eep within the Southern Ocean surrounded by storm waves, changing skies and icebergs, lies the last great wilderness on Earth.

Antarctica is the fifth largest continent on Earth, covering an area of 14 million sq. km, which is nearly 1.5 times the size of the U.S. The fact that the continent remained relatively unexplored for centuries can only be an advantage. Throughout history, exploration of continents has led to plundering and pillaging of resources, and the de-population of the indigenous people, so why should Antarctica be any different?

The answer is a mixture of science and environment. Modern science takes into account the need for conservation, to preserve for future generations. Science now understands that Antarctica is so unique, that there is no other place like it; the height, remote-

“They can study penguins to their hearts’ content” ness and aridity make it a true one off.

Unlike other continents, there was no real motive to make settlements, with no obvious natural resources to send back to the home country.

What the world had was an unspoilt state on which to collect raw scientific data, like one great experiment. So of

By Chris Matthews

Contra-deceptive

PINGU: “Why is there a group of bearded men in white coats coming towards us?” course, everybody wanted a piece of the action. Scientists from all nations became involved with the politics, to ensure treaties which would preserve Antarctica. Violation of treaties can result in anything from a year in prison to million dollar fines.

The resulting agreements mean that specialists from all over the world can study ice-floes, weather patterns, and even penguins to their hearts’ content, with minimal interference from politics.

More is known now about global warming than ever before, thanks to research carried out in Antarctica on thousands of icebergs and hundreds of glaciers. The continent may also show the most obvious effects of global warming. A recent survey conducted

by British scientists and funded by the BAS found that over 15,000 square kilometres of Antarctic Peninsula sea ice has been lost in the last 50 years.

The conclusion? Global warming is certainly happening although the con-

sequences are, as yet, not fully understood.

What else have the scientists learnt?

Did you hear the story about the penguins who look up when planes go overhead, and lean so far back that they fall over and cant get back up? That has been proved to be untrue by Antarctic scientists. More useful penguin data has been collected, such as the migratory habits and the relationships within the Antarctic ecosystems, which are (somewhat suprisingly) almost as abundant as those found in a rainforest.

Volcanism has also been discovered in isolated spots in Western Antarctica, surrounded by unbelievably thick ice sheets So where does the future of scientific exploration lie? As the US builds an ice road from the coast to the South Pole to bring in larger equipment and provide better infrastructure between research stations, oil and coal reserves world-wide are declining. Are these two events linked?

It has been suggested that underneath the ice sheets there may be natural resources, as yet untapped. There are scientists creating digital images of what’s underneath the ice right now. So far iron ore, platinum and hydrocarbons have been identified, to name but a few.

Will we be forced one day to plunder the last great wilderness? Or will global warming plunge the world into self-destruct first? The answers are in Antarctica, we just haven’t found them yet.

gair rhydd isn’t just for English and Journalism students!

If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email the science editor at science@gairrhydd.com

SCIENTISTS AT Boston University have unveiled worrying new research which highlights previously overlooked side effects of the contraceptive pill.

The study examined 125 women and noted a significant reduction in testosterone levels in those individuals taking the pill.

Further work also suggested that women who had previously taken the pill and then stopped had a long lasting reduction in testosterone levels.

A reduction in testosterone levels can be responsible for a decline in a woman’s sex drive which, according to the Boston research team, could affect a woman for her entire life.

Stem Cell Veto THE DEBATE over stem cell research in the U.S. reached a new level this week with President Bush vowing to veto any bill suppor ting the technology if supported by the Senate.

A vote in the U.S. House of Representatives failed to reach the two-thirds majority required to pass a bill regardless of a presidential veto.

The majority of the Republican Party strongly oppose embryonic stem cell research with Republican majority leader Tom DeLacy likening the research to "the dismemberment of living, distinct human beings".

The significant chance of a major obstacle being placed in the way of U.S led stem cell research has led many scientists to look to other countries for funding. Korea may be able to provide a solution, especially as scientists at Seoul University this week confirmed the successful generation of stem cells with exact genetic matches to specific patients.

Science Gets Balls

TELEVISION PRESENTER Johnny Ball was in Cardiff last week promoting the Science Made Simple Project.

The project aims to interest young people in science, ensuring that Wales has sufficient science graduates over the next few decades.

The Cardiff University supported scheme is clearly close to Ball’s heart, and this was made clear when he said "I feel passionately about sharing my enthusiasm for science with as many people as possible.”

Jobs & Money

Page 18

May 30 2005

jobs@gairrhydd.com

FACT OFF

1. Paper money is not made from wood pulp but from cotton. This means that it will not disintegrate as fast if it is put

in the laundry.

2. The first credit card was issued by the Diners' Club.

Back in 1949, when Frank McNamara was at a restaurant, he realized he did not

have enough money to pay for his meal, and had to call his wife to bail him out. He then came up with the idea of the Diners Club, which later issued the first credit card.

Reach for the stars

By Tom Scoble Jobs and Money Editor

D

o you want to help mankind build its galactic empire?

Then a job in the space industry may be for you.

It may not be the case of constructing a Warp-Interstellar Drive, Subspace Communications or Tractor Beams, but the Space sector is certainly scouting around for the next generation of recruits to help fulfil its ambitions.

It isn’t just astronauts they want; scientists, engineers, computer programmers, personnel specialists, accountants, writers and maintenance workers are just some of the many professions they need.

The UK Space Industry employs approximately 15,700 staff and generated a turnover of £3.9 billion in 2002-03. It has been affected by the recent downturn in the telecommunications sector. But the UK continues to have particular strengths in a number of areas, for example, in small satellites and software applications.

Many factors have been at work in leading to an increase in demand for skilled individuals. President Bush has recently announced NASA’s intention to return humans to the moon and later a manned trip to Mars is planned. The European Space Agency (ESA) is increasing its number of missions on the back of the recent success of Mars Express and the Cassini-Huygens and has made

tentative remarks about its own possible manned missions into orbit.

China and India have ambitious agendas in Space and the burgeoning private space sector has launched SpaceShipOne, the first privately owned and funded craft to enter space. All this bodes very well for anyone entering the industry either in the public or private sectors. The ESA has graduate training and research fellowship schemes and NASA although recruiting mainly from America gets many specialist staff from the international scene.

To be involved in discovering new stars and sending probes to distant planets are nonetheless great achievements to be involved with It’s not only the space agencies that want more staff, but the wholplethora of support firms that rely on the contracts they receive from them, among them Boeing and BAE systems. Careers in the space industry are well paid and provide much scope for international travel and long-term career prospects are promising.

While the prospects of becoming an astronaut aren’t the greatest, having the chance to be involved in discovering new stars, sending probes to distant planets and finding water on Mars are nonetheless great achievements to be involved with.

Jobs & Money

May 30 2005

Page 19

jobs@gairrhydd.com

News in Brief Pupils hope to learn debt lessons A SCHEME AT a school in North East Wales hopes to teach potential students to better manage their money in the hope of reducing future debt problems.

Flint High school have been giving lessons to 14 and 15-year-old pupils about the common problems students face with regards to their finances.

Les Cooper, a debt advisor at Flintshire’s Citizens’ Advice Bureau commented, “We see the same people coming back time and time again with the same sort of problems and it’s all to do with not managing the money they’ve got.”

He believes that problems arise due to the “credit-driven society” people live in. The pupils are, therefore, taught about “credit cards, interest rates, a whole raft of issues and basically how to manage credit”.

Paul Roberts took part in the course last year. He commented that it was “extremely useful.” Another pupil also said that he “can save up better now.”

The success of the course means that funding is now sought to roll out the course to other schools within the county.

Boom in university careers YOUNG ACADEMICS of the future can look forward to a potential boom in job opportunities. Not for a generation has an increase this large been seen, as hundreds of ageing staff are retiring from universities.

The greatest proportion of staff leaving comes from polytechnics rather than old research universities.

For graduates entering into careers in the university system their prospects of getting the job they desire are greatly increased.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Marshall

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5 p/hr Mainly Sat & Sun Ongoing A recruitment company acting on behalf of a security company requires staff. You will be required to act as a marshall.

Duties will include Crowd control, some lifting will be required. Black and whites must be worn.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

135

Cardiff/Newport £5 p/hr 8 hrs per day for 4 days Thursday 2nd June – Sunday 5th June Manylion/Details: 70 X Hospitality staff (Food and Beverage Assistants) required for the Wales Golf Open at the Celtic Manor.

Essential requirements: Friendly hard working and available for the 4 days. Excellent presentation, good customer service and previous experience an advantage but not essential.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 125

Swydd/Job:

Management opportunities

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £15-£20k Full time contract Permanent Duties: City centre resturant looking for Managers and Supervisors at all levels.

They offer a good salary, full training and personal development opportunities.

MUST HAVE HOSPITALITY/MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

133

Lecturers: Over-worked AN INCREDIBLE two thirds of lecturers are working on average eleven hours of unpaid overtime each week.

While the dedication of these people helps universities, the general secretary of the lecturers’ union NATFHE expressed his concern that the work load may interfere with their teaching performance.

Calls for the government to reduce unnecessary targets and to enforce compulsory work hours have been made across the board.

Hospitality Staff

Embassy CES

Cardiff £173.25 (18-21 years), £205 (22 years plus) Full Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Temporary (2nd July- 5th August) Manylion/Details: Activity leader Essential requirements: Good interpersonal skills, enthusiam, flexibility, ability to lead a team and excellent organisational skills.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

133

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

U.K. ranked third most expensive place to study in the World

By Tom Scoble Jobs and Money Editor

T

he Educational Policy Institute (EPI) which has carried out the first rigorous examination of the affordability and accessibility of higher education within an international context has revealed that BrItain is the third most expensive place to study in the world.

Looking at over 15 developed countries, the research placed Sweden at the top of the table for affordability, while The Netherlands was the most accessible.

Currently it costs the average UK student £7,000 a year for university education, but with the introduction of top-up fees looming this could rise by another £3,000 and put Britain as the second most expensive place to study.

This was in contrast to other nations surveyed. In Finland, equivalent higher education costs for students was a mere £590 per year.

Japanese and US students paid the most at £9,974 and £8,400 respectiv-

ly. Costs, though, were greatly reduced when university grants were taken into account. British students receive on average grants of £597, compared with £275 in Finland and £2,120 in America.

The study blames ‘scrawny’ British grants, the higher cost of living and the number of students living in the London area - one of the most expensive cities in the world - for Britain's ranking.

Despite the high costs, Britain has the third-highest participation rate of the 15 countries, behind the Netherlands and Finland. The survey aims to highlight countries which are best suited for students wishing to study overseas and additionally act as a measure by which to improve the affordability and accessibility of universities.

Some universities criticised the report for being too general, believing it did not accurately represent the diversity of higher education in some countries and missed out the emerging developing world university system. Despite this improvements are still needed.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.

Free Stuff

May 30 2005

Page 21

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

You’ll be having a (summer) ball ONCE UPON a time there was a poor little student who slaved away at their desk for days on end until the deadline. They had neglected their social life in a last minute panic and their tutors were wicked and had not allowed them any extra time to earn some money to go to the Summer Ball with their friends.

One day, a kind, giving fairy appeared. “Oh beautiful, wise one,” the student said, “What am I to do?”

“It’s not hard”, the fairy said, “Just send an email to grab! and you’ve got a bloody good chance of going to the ball.”

Yes my friends, it really is as simple as that. Courtesy of your very own Students’ Union, I have nabbed four pairs of tickets for our annual Summer Ball and you could be going

to the premier event in the student calendar absolutely free of charge.

And with 7,000 students expected to attend, how very spectacular it is.

Located in Cooper’s Field with Cardiff Castle as a back-drop, the setting is idyllic for an evening of sophistication and all things glam. Instead of sliding into those familiar jeans that are torn at the hem, girls will be donning dresses to rival those on Hollywood’s red carpets (slight exaggeration - perhaps The British Soap Awards is more fitting) and boys will actually wash their hair and get suited and booted to make their mothers proud. It really is a one-of-a-kind event at Cardiff, and a party and a half you cannot miss.

Despite all the glitz, you will be pleased drinks at the event are at stu-

dent prices and music is catered to all tastes. In addition to the live music tent, which will host a number of acts from Honeyz to the likes of Tony Christie, there is a ballroom marquee as well as a disco tent with all the usual cheese and chart. What’s more, a professional photographer will be at hand to capture your last drunken night out with your buddies before you all pack up for summer. Blub.

If all this sounds good to you, check out the official website at www.cardiffuniversityballs.com for more details. Tickets are priced at £35 and can be booked at the box office on 02920 781458. To win a pair of tickets, just answer the following question: How many students are expected to attend the ball?

Lovely Rita: Meet her

DO YOU fancy yourself as a bit of a wild child? If you do, then you should seriously head down to Alton Towers this summer and check out the new adrenalin buster, Rita: Queen of Speed.

As if white-knuckle legends such as Nemesis and Oblivion aren’t enough to get your pulses racing, those crazy brains at Alton Towers have created a new monster for us to challenge.

Delivering an amazing 0-100kph in a matter of 2.5 seconds (approximately the time it takes me to flick the channel with the remote) Rita: Queen of Speed is one racy mamma.

Unrelenting, she builds up to a Gforce of 4.7, proving herself to be even more explosive than her sister rides.

Currently voted as the most popular ride by visitors to the park,

Rita: Queen of Speed is rated even cooler than Air, the ride that leaves you hanging, literally, mid-air.

I will definitely be making a wee visit to Alton Towers this summer for a huge dose of excitement. Not only is it a great place to reunite with uni friends and resume the craziness from where you left it at the summer ball, Alton Towers is a great day’s escape from the mundane nine-to-five of the summer job.

Open to all from 9.30am throughout the summer, Alton Towers is hour after hour of fun.

Tickets are priced at £28 for adults (yes, that includes us) and £21 for children. Pretty reasonable I would say.

But, like the good little lady that I am, I have done some extra research for the benefit of you all. If you log onto the website, www.alton-towers.co.uk, you can book your tickets in advance for just £22, a mere pound more than what the kids are paying.

You can use the remaining six quid for a spot of lunch: a burger and chips, or something similar.

How thoughtful of me.

Even better, I’ve managed to talk those clever people at Alton Towers into giving me a pair of free tickets

to the park, to be used at any time of the year. Unfortunately, I will not be keeping them for my very deserving self but will be giving them away to you extremely lucky people. To win, all you have to do is answer this very easy question: True or false? Rita: Queen of Speed is speedier than a Ferrari.

Enter in the usual way - by emailing your name and answer to the competitions address or pop up to the GR office and place your entry and contact details in the grab! pigeon hole.

Wishing you the best of luck, my lovelies.

RITA: Alton Towers’ newest ride

ATTENTION ALL SCROUNGING STUDENTS

NEW ADDITIONS to the realm of GR chav-dom this week are myself, your new grab! editor and freebie-making machine, and Amita Chong, last week’s very worthy winner of a copy of Midnight Club 3: Dub Edition on the PS2. Just to prove that my efficiency, charm and general grabbing skills are as good as your previous competitions queen, Shell Plant, I’ll ensure that I prise that prize from the relevant fingers and have it in the office in no time at all. As Shell would say, I’ll contact you when your prize is ready. Anyway darlings, enough sweet talking for now. I’m sure I can lure you into winning lots of my lovely prizes when I see you in September. Let’s just hope you don’t get too thirsty for them over the summer. I can see your tongues hanging out already. And you’re dribbling... Ooh stop it! Megan x

CARDIFF CASTLE: Fairy-tale excuse for a student piss-up

suck on this ISN’T THAT what we all need - a little bit of time for loving and sharing? It definitely seems so in new flick The Pacifier, out May 27, where becoming that happy, closeknit family is everything to strive for.

Brought to you by Walt Disney Pictures in association with Spyglass Entertainment, this film is a hilarious and heart-warming comedy perfect for a chilled-out summer’s evening. With exams being over for lots of you, what more is there to bother your empty, unchallenged minds but thoughts of the ones you care about? And even if you are still in the thick of revision, a trip to Cardiff’s Ster Century Cinema to watch this film will do you all the world of good. See? Always thinking of you, my studious little grabbers.

Starring the attractively bald and very ripped Vin Diesel as Navy SEAL Shane Wolfe, this film goes to show that it doesn’t always pay to be tough. Believe me, I know.

Although I am not quite the elite member of the world’s fiercest and most highly trained force that Shane Wolfe is (I joined the gym three weeks ago), when it comes down to it I know that flexing my muscles isn’t always the way in getting what you really want. I find a cheeky cuddle works a whole lot better. And that’s what Vin was telling me on the phone the other day... Becoming part of a family and bringing them all together is probably the biggest and best mission in your life. How sweet.

And here’s something else that you might be able to relate to.

Shane Wolfe doesn’t find baby-sitting a piece of cake either. Whether

it’s a five or twenty squids you’re taming the little brats for, it isn’t easy. So how refreshing it is to watch someone else doing the dirty work and, at the same time, showing you that it is possible to love and adore children. I hate them.

So here’s the deal. My friends at Ster Century Cinemas have generously given me ten pairs of tickets to see The Pacifier and they’re all up for grabs. Available to you on the biggest of screens, with top projection and sound, the whole experience is one of superb quality.

And with seats designed to give all you that extra bit of leg room, you can’t complain! To be one of my lucky winners, all you have to do is answer this question and enter in the usual way: In what film does Vin Diesel star as a notorious law breaking thrill seeker recruited by the government to infiltrate an underground Russian crime?

Enter in the usual way. a. XxX b. Fast and the Furious c. The Chronicles of Riddick Enter in the usual way.

VIN: Not too cool for school

Letters

Page 22

May 30 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page On Saturday Javine failed to impress, but on Wednesday the reverse was true. Liverpool deserve a mention for their fantastic fightback in the Champions League Final after being three-nil down at half-time. I bet Michael Owen is a bit gutted. Next week’s issue is a special broadsheet edition so make sure you use long words when writing your letters. I’ve got to do some revision for my final exam tomorrow. Take it easy. Menon xxx

Reasons to be angry AS I REACH the end of my student career there are a few insights I have picked up along the way that I would like to share with the university. I thought I was coming to university to learn. But I soon found I was here simply to be marked. You say seminars are the ‘backbone’ of our study time.

Two seminars in ten weeks is barely a finger bone. Banal essay questions make us bored, stifle any creativity and leave us with no time to pursue any independent study.

Evaluation sheets are useless, they only ask questions you might want to hear the answers to. Personal tutors that see us six times in three years are in fact impersonal tutors.

Your ICT provision is shocking, shocking I say. Having dragged yourself in to the 20th century with the useless Blackboard system you might want to try joining everyone in the 21st century some time. Exams are a farce. If you want to see how fast someone can write give us exams. If you want to see how well we can evaluate, think and process information give us essays. Your choice.

Well-roundedness comes from interdisciplinary study with independent work. You seem to try your hardest to discourage any such things through a complete lack of cohesion between departments, refusing to mention freestanding modules as an option and drowning already overworked students in mind-bogglingly boring standard essays. This farcical lack of co-ordination between depart-

text

ments and schools means that in one subject ten credits consists of a 1600 word essay whilst in another there are 2500 words of essay and an hour long exam.

I believe that the university as an institution and many of its staff hold students in the highest contempt. I have seen nothing to convince me otherwise and plenty to support this – insisting on tuition fees and top-up fees, discouraging us from working enough hours a week to survive, patronising us, not giving us the day off for our rally when we have to put up with lecturer’s strikes, not preserving the sanctity of Wednesday afternoons… and being extremely unwilling to stomach criticism.

A very relieved to be leaving thirdyear

Don’t jostle Jules EVERYONE HAS an opinion. I opened up to the admittedly slimmer gair rhydd this week, and found yet more people slagging off Jules. You’d think that being a fembot myself, I’d be able to leap for joy, but I can’t, and that’s because I sort of agree with him.

Without a doubt, he’s an arrogant bastard with a wanky clothes police persona, but the point he was trying to make (which is STOP JUMPING ON THE BANDWAGON) is valid. (The Boho look, anyone? Who isn’t trying and failing to wear it?) I agree that music shouldn’t become a statement of fashion, which is what’s happened with the ‘rock’ look. He didn’t insist to know what anyone was thinking; he

07791165837

spotted- will talmage shaking hands with strangers in the woodville pub, downstairs. monday, wearing a white T-shirt..

Hello kerry I would just like you to knowthat even though i have been stalking you for two years now my love grows stronger every day.

They’re neither “penis’s” nor “peni”, they are in fact “penises”. Grow a brain, spazmo.

Oh my god rich y the hell r u wearing that dress

I know a ukranian!

Someone’s had it away with our bulb!

My pilchard’s on acid

Idea: blow up the bottom floor of risa on wednesdays an maybe we’ll wipe out half the population of chavs. The rest can be hunted down and killed.

Gay Ride...hehehe...

just snuck a peek at the window displays of River Island.

Charissa’s reply had me nodding along in approval until the up the arse joke, and then I lost all respect for it.

There was no need for that. All you did was descend to his ‘going for the cheap laugh’ style, and made you sound as childish as him. As to ‘anon,’ all your poem does is drag a debate that was ‘don’t judge a book…’ into a name calling contest. You’re pathetic.

So, I’ll echo Jules here. DON’T JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON. Don’t slag him off for his opinion. All he’s done is point out a trend he found sad. A lot of weekly glossies loathed

by Jules do that, but you don’t write in and complain about that, do you? In fact, don’t slag off, period. Use your grey matter and offer criticism, not brain-dead jibes and crap poetry.

Yours, Disgusted former fembot supporter, 2nd Year.

Thanks a packet IN MY OPINION, people who write into this section of the paper always try and sound too intelectual. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading the gair rhydd as much as the next person, but The Times it is not.

Why do people feel the need to write an essay with perfect grammar and punctuation, and use words which no-one else uses in everyday speak, to get their point across? Sometimes, the words don't make any sense. It doesn't mean your (sic) more intelligent if you use better language does it? It seems to me that the people who write in this manner are just trying to sound really intellectual, when what they really need to do is concentrate on getting their point across in plain speak, so the lay person can know what they are on about.

Anyway, the matter I wanted to bring up is this, why do the people who re-stock the confectionary vending machines at the various locations around the campus always put the Polos along the top rows. (sic) It is a matter I feel very strongly about I assure you. (sic) During the exam period, a great number of packets of Polos are consumed. I'm sure i'm (sic) not the only

person who get's (sic) a little frustrated when they open their packets of Polos in an exam to find that they are all cracked into three.

These people should realise that when a packet of polo's (sic) fall from a great height, they break. I'm sure people can empathise with me here, as everyone has experienced this in the last few weeks i (sic) am sure.

There, I've tried to use the best language I possibly can to sound really intellectual and posh.

Yours TenMenBen Third-Year Student

Clairvoyant cry I WOULD LIKE to respond to Claire Voyant’s (nice name) recent letter. She claimed that my "Horror-scopes" article, which attacked astrology as illogical and without evidence, was prejudiced, anti-scientific, nihilistic and self-defeating. Naturally, I disagree.

Ms. Voyant professes to be a believer in both Christianity and astrology, which strikes me as a tad contradictory? If Christianity is true, then our fates are decided by our choices and the will of God, not the position of the stars. The Bible warns against occult practices such as seeking to predict the future (e.g.

Deuteronomy 18:9-13). Incidentally, my point regarding Christianity in my article was not to argue for its truth or otherwise, but to provide an example of a supernatural belief for which a case appealing to evidence and logic can be made.

Fair cop that I haven’t "delved too far into astrological practices". But I wasn’t being sarcastic when I said in my article that I would be interested to see any evidence for astrology. As I said, it would greatly surprise me, but if there is any, then I’d be happy to consider it. But Claire’s letter didn’t provide any such information.

Another claim was that "using Caleb’s arguments against astrology you could probably disprove almost all scientific theory." This is very odd, since my arguments were based on the importance of evidence and observation, the very basis for scientific enquiry. How am I being anti-science in asking for evidence?

She then goes on to say the logical conclusion of my arguments would be to become a "nihilistic solipsist". This is also rather bizarre. I’m arguing that it is possible to distinguish between different beliefs as more or less plausible, whereas Claire seems to deny this. If we have no basis on which to judge between beliefs, then that is the death of science, learning and meaning. We then have no grounds on which to choose between science and superstition, learning and ignorance, reality and fiction. Claire’s arguments are the ones that kill all hope and knowledge, not mine.

She also contradicts herself by appealing to such things as contradictions in the Bible as an argument for Christianity and Astrology being equally believable. This shows she can’t live by such beliefs and does in fact believe it possible to judge beliefs as more or less plausible.

Claire finishes with that war-cry of the PC brigade, "we should tolerate the beliefs of others." Yes, but I disagree with the implication that tolerating people’s beliefs means not criticising them in any way. I respect others’ right to hold their own beliefs.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean I respect what they believe. Not being allowed to discuss and argue the value of different beliefs is anti-learning, anti-truth and anti-intellectual.

If Claire had actually cited evidence and arguments for astrology, then that would have been useful discussion. Instead, she tried to shut down the discussion with childish accusations of supposed "intolerance" (which here means "disagreement").

C’mon people - use your minds!

Yours, Caleb Woodbridge Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk, Cardiff University Students’ Union or gair rhydd

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the fourth floor of the Union.

Play nice kids DEAR JULES AND CHARISSA, come on kids, play nice. You both seem to be making the same point: People should be allowed to wear what they want, when they want, without the criticism of an (admittedly) arrogant journalism student.

However, this is the point Mr

Thorpe-Smith is making; that's what he's been doing for years, only now, it's fashionable. Blame the music.

The definition of pop has changed with artists like Interpol and Bloc Party lumped under the same homogenised headings as Keane and The Killers. Evil begets evil, and soon enough the streets are crawlingwith baggy trousers and Razorlight tshirts. But fear not – it'll be Electronica next and we'll all look

like Fischerspooner.

I think Nick Hornby put it best when he said; "How is it possible to love or connect to music that is as omnipresent as carbon monoxide?"

Charissa; Jules is suffering a crisis of identity. Jules; Charissa is suffering the glare of a certain lecturer. You see, we're all fashion victims really.

Yours, Jen Long

gair rhydd Problem Page

May 30 2005

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EPILOGUE

Page 23

Dr. Matthew

problempage@gairrhydd.com - much like a maniac trapped in a wheely bin

Apathy and Strawberries

Dear Doctor,

I’ve just finished. I’ve handed in all my coursework and am now completely without a goal in life.

Loyd Grossman, after having five children, returned to the kitchen to develop a new series of nuclear green sauces for children and pets.

Even though it’s nice to have finished, and it’s lovely to have a proper break, I feel very restless.

You see, my housemates haven’t finished and they’re all moaning about how hard their exams are(n’t).

So, I’m writing to ask what I can do about it all, because if I don’t do anything soon I’ll be eternally depressed. I’ve got next year to worry about all this stressing rubbish – I just want a good time before I go home for summer.

I understand you’re not going to help, but at least writing this has given me something to do.

Give me some ideas – even if they’re how to wind my housemates up.

And can I also add that strawberries make amazing weapons and you should try throwing them at people’s houses. I think you’d enjoy that.

Kirsten, 2nd year

Jon Snow, after having a prosthetic leg affixed to his pelvis, went on to discover the BBC and worked there for much more money than anyone.

Well. I can safely say that I wouldn’t.

Strawberries are a bit ecological aren’t they? A tad vegan.

Potatoes, you’re getting there. A house brick, and we’re not quite but nearly there. A small child, with no arms, or legs, or even a belly button, and we’re talking. In that very metaphorical sense of talking, of course.

Just imagine waking up, and thinking, and then thinking: "Sunshine, delightful! I can tan my vast stomach, oh dear, what on earth is that? It looks like a child with no legs, or arms, or even a belly button. And it’s flying. At my window. Oh, someone down there is laughing a lot about this, and it’s making an awful lot of racket; I’d like that to stop, oh, it just did, and, crikey, it just hit the window frame and… well, split in half, and oops, something fell off – it might have been a spleen (!), but I can’t see because my window is completely red now and er, well, I’m a bit fat."

I’d laugh anyway.

have string attached to them.

That hasn’t happened for a good fifty years though – something about a war? I don’t know.

Perhaps if you locked yourself in a room, crawled out of the window, hid under an enormous white sheet and ran at them through the front door they’d fall over in confusion. Or you could buy a drum kit. Or you could break your door, repair it, break it again and then blow it off its hinges with a well aimed fertiliser bomb. All of these things make other people irritable.

Conversely, help your housemates revise but tell them completely the wrong things so that when they come to write an exam on the Eugenics of pre-postmodern Nepal and the media’s influence on all the people living there, they’ll actually be writing about Nepalese whore housing and a boy who was touched privately by a smaller boy.

Perhaps.

Matthew.

Winding your housemates up is quite easy. Particularly if they

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: ‘Ants raped my rape alarm’ Dear Dr Matthew,

Until recently our house has been very nice.

After their exciting year and a half, Phil and Moira settled down and stopped killing people.

Then they got married.

Andi Peters, the ultimate Arch Enemy of Phil, mysteriously died in his swimming pool. No-one has done anything about it because he was pretty evil.

The End

We have nice bedrooms, a nice kitchen and a lovely, lovely lounge.

Although the year is nearly up, we found ourselves wanting to cry when we discovered a terrible thing in one of our bedrooms. It was so terrible that we would have left it alone.

However, the noise that the terrible thing created was such that we had no choice but to combat the problem.

Ants had somehow found their way in to the room, and had crawled across most of the floor and eaten their way into the bedroom tenant’s personal safety alarm. Although you’ll probably think that this sounds completely ridiculous, it is in fact completely true, and scary.

We’ve since got rid of the buggers, courtesy of a sexy pest-control man. Our problem is that we’re scared that they’ll return, and eat more of our electronic devices. What can we do to protect ourselves through the summer months from these evil monsters?

Yours sincerely, Four 3rd years, Roath

Some agony aunts would recommend that hiding all electronic goods above ground level would be a greatly dynamic idea.

I’d propose something similar, but then violently remind you (with a knife) that to entice ants you must be spectacularly trampish to begin with. However, there are some arguments that say completely different things. I only know one though: The greater ant council of Anty once confirmed that invading human properties was not only hysterically funny but rather necessary because whilst ants had been content knowing that their queens were pretty licentious (and that a fair few of them would get their thorax over) the council had noticed an increment in the quantity of malformed baby ants.

As such a motion was passed to find a non-specific number of house spiders who would be kidnapped, damaged and killed.

This was because house spiders have extraordinary drugs in them that make ants especially virile and make their babies appear replete with all six legs, antennae and even a grin if they are fortunate.

Unsurprisingly, and almost as a direct result, the ants would have to nip into people’s houses

to find (and ponce) house spiders, and they’d have to do it really swiftly. These extensive, well-timed and hilarious thieving runs were dangerous, occasionally dangerous and frequently dangerous. But they worked, and Anty was a happier place to live because they didn’t have to worry about meffed up ants stabbing folk or blighting the city’s tunnels with deformity.

So, as you should probably gather, there aren’t too many things you can do about such determined, heroic ants. You could move house, you could buy a kettle, or you could find, kill and lay the house spiders in neat piles on your doorstep yourself. But the ants of Anty would probably see that as insulting and crawl into your eye sockets; things like that.

Oh yes.

They will.

It is well known that 26% of all people have a problem of some explanation.

Half of that number aren’t dead, which often constitutes the biggest hindrance to anybody. The other half of this half blithely wander about, deciding that they’re either boring (sometimes the case) or can’t actually walk anyway (more frequently the problem).

Unluckily for the other 74%, who deem themselves comprehensibly indestructible, the 24% of people with real problems require care (and if you’re wondering where the other 2% went; they’re dead now).

This in itself represents a crisis (much like warfare) as many of this 74% are resigned to helping the boring, non-walking 24% and indeed the tidying up of the 2% that have died.

Therefore, 74% of selfregardingly indestructible persons are not actually indestructible, because emotional attachment and assailment of carers by inert boring people are rife, likely and entirely factual.

Accordingly, most of the 74% of people become absolutely self-delusional and turn into the 24%/2% discussed above. This – as well as besmirching maths; particularly mathematical rules concerning percentages – leaves roughly 10% of problemless people, who in disappointment and loss of community mostly decide to a) start a religion, b) embark on holocaustic massacres, c) join the dead 2%, d) moan or e) write letters to everyone telling them that if they don’t pass on the same letter the world will end/their house will fall down/their hair will catch on fire.

Ultimately, 6% of people are very lonely indeed, and find little else to do but make up imaginary problems because they can’t think of any real ones and would quite like the same attention that immobile boring people and their molested carer groups receive.

You might know some of these people.

Be careful.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery I’m delightful.

0800-GIVEMEAJOB The box below did say “Help me I can see ants!”

Matthew.

This box would normally work but is full of ants.

Award-Winning Television

May 30 2005

Page 25

reeswithaspoon@inspired.com

This week’s last tangerine in the TV fruitbowl May 30 - May 5 2005

Last Of The Summer Wives The curtain goes down like Edie in an elevator

HOT

NOT

Djimi Traore Somehow a winner of the most prestigious club football tournament in the world. I think I could’ve outshone his first half performance. Fair play though for a decent second half and a brilliant goal-line clearance that kept the Scousers in it.

SOAPS Finally, Karl has left Izzy and now the way has been made clear for him and Susan to get back together. In what seems like the longest running storyline on Neighbours in decades, Karl and Susan (now the will-they-won’t-they couple of the century) have split up only to slowly come back together. Expect sparks to fly in the coming week (aside from the butch nature of Susan’s real lifestyle - she went out with Libby! No really!).

Lisa has fallen in a big way for Ben in Hollyoaks and, I’m reliably informed, wants to ride him until the sun comes up the next morning. That would make for interesting viewing. Perhaps we’ll see a return to the late night Hollyoaks episodes just so they can run the story for us filthy baying hounds.

Sex in Hollyoaks? Do bears shit in the woods?

Har’ Kewell After a season of pretending to be injured Kewell ‘ my s t e r i o u s l y ’ regianed his fitness when Liverpool got to the brink of the Champions League trophy. He lasted 23 minutes in Instanbul before crying off to a chorus of boos to be replaced

by Vlad Smicer. Winners medal he deserved not.

Only one more week of the lovely lasses from Wisteria Lane, and although we’ve given them more column inches than Nelson the Desperate Housewives (C4, 10pm like you didn’t know) are about to bid us farewell. It seems fairly apt that our programme of the year wraps up practically the same week we do, bless.

But that’s not important, hopefully we’ll get to find out the truth about the Youngs, what’s going to happen with Gabrielle (and John’s?) baby, and whether Bree will finally do the dirty and get the S & M gear out.

YES! Well bugger me, this is the penultimate gair rhydd of the year and what a whirlwind it’s been. I’ll save all the sentimental crap for next

CDs TO RENT BUY Oasis are releasing their new album this week. Great! Wow, let’s party like it’s 1996. No. I’d like to sit and write about some other things that are out next week apart from the manc-ky ones, but left with a choice of Smog, who nobody cares about, and Turin Brakes, who nobody likes, it’s all a bit thin on the ground So let’s avert our attention back to Don’t Believe the Truth:- well you’d better believe this truth, it’s going to be fucking rubbish! The artwork’s rubbish, the single was rubbish, and all the songs Steve Lamacq and “your man” Zane have been digging, like Mucky Fingers are also falling on the wrong side of dignity-retaining. Pfff although at least their record got to number one and weren’t being out-sold by That Knobbin Frog by four copies to one, mmm Chris Martin?

That’s about it folks, apart from that the new Sleater-Kinney album, which promises big things of the post riot-grrrl outfit, mixing their usual literate punk with the lunacy of Deep Purple and other 70s classic rock, which in theory sounds like sex on a CD. Hooray.

week but I hope you’ve enjoyed the rubbish we’ve written as much as we’ve enjoyed writing it (yeah, staying up until 3am every Thursday is great). My first pick of the week, yet another reality show (is there anything else?), is Ladette To Lady (ITV1, Thursday, 9pm) in which ten ‘notorious’ ladettes (i.e: fledgling zlist celebs who want to kickstart their careers) are sent to an ‘old fashioned ladies’ finishing school’, whatever the fuck that means.

Surprisingly though things don’t go to plan (because of the pub situated right next door) and there will be filth and sleaze aplenty. Expect many boobs and bums as well as ridicu-

lous comments from the obviously stupid women. Sure to be a winner.

As everyone knows, this week is half term and as such it means there are a plethora of fantastic shows on for recovering students to watch in the mornings. My second pick therefore is Asterix vs Caesar (BBC2, Tuesday, 11am) merely because I can watch it too because I’m not working. Joy. So, enjoy your half term even though it’ll be no different from any other week apart from the annoying school children roaming around town looking angstridden and bored and getting under your feet at any opportunity. If TV Grace’s experiences are anything to go by, expect annoying chavs to ask you to buy cigarettes for them at your local dodgy newsagents. I love the holidays.

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Pickings so slim this week they make Ashley Olsen and Jessica Simpson look like big chunkified blobbers Errrm anyone who’s a twat and hasn’t ever seen any film before, ever, might want to check out Elektra which is basically Daredevil with worse acting, should that be possible, and not even Evanescence to back it up. Megamegamega rubbish. Also, there’s season 3 of Alias which is about as much fun as giraffe sex, and there’s Nip/Tuck series 2 which I was convinced had been out for fifteen years already whch shows up how much I know. Ermmm what else? I’ve got no idea, I think there’s some Lone Ranger DVDS out on Monday, so if you like watching men in masks getting tasty with Indians and horses, then that’ll be right up your canyon. For the rest of us, let’s just hold out for the League of Gentlemen movie and not rent/buy anything at all.

SPORT It’s that time of year again. Yep, Cardiff gets invaded by eastenders and West Ham go home with their tails between their Scotch eggs (geddit!), you guessed it, the The Play-off Finals (Sat, Sun and Mon Sky Sports). Can Sheff.

Weds regain promotion to Pepsi Nationwide Vauxhall Division Championship? Who knows?

FILMS The classic film on this week, which you have to watch purely for the one famous scene, is One Million Years BC starring that girl from the Shawshank Redemption, Raquel Welch in her lovely, furry bikini. Evidently there’s a plot, but she’s got big boobs which she shows off so that’s all you need.

RADIO Wow, there’s something worth listening to that doesn’t involve that American guy and random punk mucic from the West coast. Look out for Shake, Rattle And Roll (Radio 2, Thursday, 9pm), presented by Mark Lamarr looking back at ‘lesser known, vintage records from some vast collection.’ I have no idea what this actually means in terms of the music but it sounds good and is a new series. Radio 2 is fast becoming the best station by a long way (apart from my beloved Kerrang).

This week, ‘because it’s cool’, you should tune into The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (Radio 4, Tuesday, 6.30pm) which is being read out ever so slowly over so many weeks.

Granted, this week it’s number five of eight but you’ll get the idea before you go off to see the film.

Monday

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May 30 - June 5 2005

spam here please>>>>> website@gairrhydd.com

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19.00 Three's Outtakes 19.30 MPs' Outtakes 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways 21.00 Desperate Midwives Oh ho ho I see what they’ve done here - they’ve stolen the title of a programme that’s infinitely more interesting than anything BBC Three will ever produce, and punned the title. Next week, “Six Feet Blunder” looks at mishaps in the funeral parlour, “Nip/Luck” studies the lottery winner who got crabs, and “The Soup-ranos” looks at life behind the scenes in an Italian soup restaurant 21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Ideal 23.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 24.00 The Brothel The Lady in Red. Chris De Burgh visits The Brothel 24.30 The Brothel The Birthday Party. Nick Cave visits The Brothel 01.00 The Bachelor 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Spin City 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 Trisha 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Emmerdale 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Spin City7.30 Spin City: The Great Pretender 8.00 Married with Children 8.30 Surviving the Moment of Impact 9.30 The Contender 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun. I tried to like this programme, and watched two episodes in the past week, but I really couldn’t. Not one of these selfish prats inspire even the sllghtest pity or sympathy. I don’t even want to see them fist each other. No, I especially don’t want to see them do that... 11.00 Coronation Street 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 2.00 Champions League Weekly2.25 F1: European Grand Prix Highlights 3.15 Teleshopping

19.00 Birdland: April in Paris 19.05 Barenboim on Beethoven 20.35 Eroica 22.00 The Mark Steel Lecture All about Ludwig Van Beethoven He wasn’t deaf you know, he just spent too many nights watching Japanese post-punk noisniks at Barfly.

22.30 Film: "Place Vendome" More pretentious cinema wankery from BBC4 no doubt 24.25 The Mark Steel Lecture 24.55 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005: The Contenders Colin Meloy from the Decemberists, for including so many pre-19th century words in one pop song, and TV John, for badly redefining the use of hyphens in language, and TV Manners, for using more cunts than Darren Day. 01.55 Barenboim on Beethoven 03.25 The Mark Steel Lecture 03.55 Close I’m out of ideas here, as usual on BBC4. Why does the channel with the highest-brow over-myhead television shows always leave the biggest space? I’m going off to listen to the new Akira the Don EP and the best of The Waterboys. I want to kill myself.

6:00am Big Brother Live 3:25pm Big Brother 4:30pm Hollyoaks Steph turns her attentions towards Jack. Steph is currently the best character in Hollyoaks.

I’m so glad she went from being that tart who shagged Zara’s boring pseudo-goth boyfriend who hilariously happened to be Christian, to being the rampant ridiculous disaster area she is.

Respect.

5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Big Brother Live 7:00pm Hollyoaks The day of Steph's performance has arrived. More of this please 7:30pm Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00pm Big Brothers Little Brother 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 10:00pm Fiends 10:30pm Slag-wagons and the City 11:20pm Big Brothers Little Brother 11:50pm Big Brother Live Who’s sleeping in what position tonight?

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard The Hidden Boxer Shorts Daytime discussion show.

Gareth found mysterious boxer shorts in his partner's bedroom.

Who do they belong to? YES. 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Film: Superfire 15.50 Film: Midnight in St Petersburg 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Raging Planet 20.00 The Best of Fifth Gear 21.00 Archie the Six Stone Baby: Extraordinary People 22.00 9/11: The Plane That Hit the Tower: The True Story What, you mean it did happen?

23.00 The World's Most Elusive Serial Killer By day he edits Quench and listens to Alabama 3. By night...

24.05 Joey 24.35 Alias 01.25 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.15 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.10 US PGA Golf 04.00 2005 World Motocross Grand Prix 04.50 Argentinian Football

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6:00am Party Animals How to have a really noisy party: Invite TV John around with his digital hardcore collection and Black Dice B sides.

6:05am Making It 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30am Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00am Will and Grace 9:30am Will and Grace 10:00am Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 12:35pm The Lunch Break 1:10pm Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 2:00pm Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 3:30pm Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v Bangladesh 5:25pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00pm The Simpsons Whacking Day. One of the greatest ever episodes, featuring Barry White beating snakes with a pole.

6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:05pm Three Novels in Search of an Author You’ve got one right here.

TVJohn@desperate.com 8:00pm The Real George V 9:30pm ER: Carter est Amoureux God I fucking hate ER with their live episodes and desperate attempts to be more upmarket than Holby City. Fat chance.

10:30pm Big Brother 11:25pm Sexual Intelligence Insert innuendo here.

1:00am Today at the Test 1:35am Big Brother 4:40am Big Brother’s Big Mouth With Russel Brand (a mouthy northern cunt) 5:05am Punk’d 5:30am Greetings From Tucson 5:55am Close

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00-9.25 Toonattik: 9.25 FILM: Candleshoe 11.15 FILM: Shepherd on the Rock 1.10 ITV News; Weather 1.20 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

1.30 Have I Been Here Before?

2.00 Loose Women 2.45 FILM: Ring of Bright Water. 4.45 FILM: Calamity Jane 6.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.45 ITV News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Family Album. The Dingles 7.30 Emmerdale 8.00 Airline 8.30 Coronation Street 9.30 Celebrity Love Island With Paul “Arf a pint?”

Danan.

10.30 ITV News; Weather 10.45 Tarrant on TV 11.15 Championship PlayOff Final Not that I give a shit, being a Southampton fan, but I’d rather cut off my chin with an egg slicer than see West Ham back in the Premiership, so I’m behind Preston all the way here.

0.30 Champions League Weekly 1.05 The Real Billy Elliot Diaries 1.35 Trisha 2.35 Loose Women 3.20 Moving Day Love rat Darren becomes inexplicably paralyzed from the waist down and has to be fork-lifted around the Hoxton clubs by whatsherface from Hear’say. Oh wait, didn’t they split up? Of course they did, they were almost dating for a year, the Darren “Wahey” Day cut-off point.

3.45 Bridezillas 4.10 Entertainment Now! 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Party Animals C4 6am

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6:00am: CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Tweenies.

6:20 The Roly Mo Show 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: The Lampies 7:10 Metalheads 7:35 ChuckleVision 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Arthur 8:25 All or Nothing 8:50 Looney Tunes 9:00 Even Stevens 9:25 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo 9:50 Snailsbury Tales 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory 10:20 Tots TV 10:30 Bobinogs 10:40 Pingu 10:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 FILM: Summer Magic 12:55pm: The Flying Gardener 1:05 FILM: In Which We Serve.

2:55 FILM: We Dive at Dawn.

4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Eggheads.

6:30 Uncharted Territory 7:00 Newsnight Special 7:30 Seven Natural Wonders 8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie 9:00 University Challenge Special With Andrew Neil, Martha Kearney, Monty Don and Clare Balding take on the critics, consisting of Brian Sewell, Andrew Graham-Dixon, Waldemar Januszczak and Russell Davies. Hardly the Young Ones, is it?

9:30 How Art Made the World 10:30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 11:00 FILM: Drop Dead Gorgeous Starring Saffron “No really, I do have a career now” from Republica.

12:30am: Joins BBC News 24.

1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Talk Spanish 1-6 2:30 Spain Inside Out 1-5 5:00 Spanish Journey Part 2

We Dive at Dawn BBC2 2.55pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Animal Park 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 1:25 Keeping Up Appearances 1:55 Murder, She Wrote 2:40 FILM: Superman III Since when did this feature Richard Pryor? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

4:40 Open All Hours 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:45 FILM: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves “Girl, you know it’s true...” Interesting fact, apparently the producers of the film weren’t happy with Bryan’s version of the theme tune from this 1992 tripe, as they wanted it to use traditional instruments from the time of Robin Hood. Erm, forgetting the fact that Robin Hood was fictional, can you even begin to imagine what that song would sound like on a lute and tin whistle? (Much better now I think about it).

8:00 EastEnders God help me, wasn’t the “revelation” that Zoe was Den’s killer a dangerously underwhelming experience?

8:30 Traffic Cops 9:30 New Tricks 10:30 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 10:50 FILM: Total Recall “Total shite” more like 12:35am: FILM: The Choirboys 2:40 Sign Zone: The Reclaimers 3:10 Sign Zone: DIY SOS The words of filthy beareded hippy Nick Knowles, mimed for your viewing pleasure. How kind of the BBC assume the deaf want to watch this.

3:40 Sign Zone: Mind Your Own Business. 4:10 Joins BBC News

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07:00 Planed Plant Bach 07:00 Mr Synfyfyrio'n Siarad'r ser 07:05 Ding Dong 07:15 Yoko! Jakamoto! Toto! Crap in any language 07:20 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 07:30 Samtn 07:40 Superted 08:00 Planed Plant 08:00 13’30 Munud O Enwogrwdd 08:20 Waaa! 08:30 O Na! Y Morgans 09:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:30 Will and Grace 10:00 Test Cricket 12:35 The Lunch Break 13:10 Test Cricket 13:30 Eisteddfford Yr Urdd Canolfan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 16:15 Test Cricket 17:25 Fiends 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 CWL 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 19:45 Wawffactar: Rebecca Trehearn So “waw”, nobody has ever heard of her. 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Eisteddfford Yr Urdd Canolfan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 21:30 Sgorio 22:35 Big Brother 23:30 Desperate Housewives 00:30 Will and Grace 01:00 Today at the Test Oh, like it hasn’t been on all fucking day already! 01:35 Big Brother Live vergregererr.

Tuesday

May 30 - June 5 2005

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courtneylove@myarse.com

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Spin City.

The Apartment 9.55 Married with Children. Wedding Show 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Trisha. 1.30 Coronation Street.

2.00 Emmerdale. 2.30 Airline.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Spin City. 7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 Airline USA. For Better, For Worse 8.30 Airline USA. 9.00 Neighbourhoods from Hell. 10.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned. 10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun. 11.00 Celebrity Love Island Live. 2.00 Spin City. The Apartment 2.25 Married with Children. Wedding Show 2.45 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.30 Teleshopping.

5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen.

Tonight’s TV isn’t worth staying in for. Tomorrow on the other hand!!!!!! (Apologies for excessive exclamation mark usage.)

Double bill of Desperate Housewives, as the season’s finale! I can hardly contain myself. Me and my housemates are celebrating in style: the night off, a curry, garlic naan, alcohol and chocolate pud. Fabulous.

19.00 Chopin Preludes With pianist Alfredo Perl. 19.10 Beethoven Violin Concerto 20.00 The World 20.30 Dickens in America Also featuring Blyton in Stoke and Hemingway in Hereford.21.00 Je t'aime Europe 21.50 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 22.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin 23.00 England Away 23.40 Je t'aime Europe I’m still undecided about the whole Europe thing and the Constitution and whatnot. Nothing funny to add to that I’m afraid. Mail me your thoughts and queries about the European Constitution at jenesaisrien@imbecile.fr 24.30 Dickens in America 01.00 England Away 01.40 Je t'aime Europe 02.30 Dickens in America 03.00 England Away 03.40 Close So apparently I’m in One Trick Pony in Quench this week under the pseudonym Courtney Love. For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of knowing what my face looks like, I just have to say I do NOT look like a psychopathic, coke-snorting, heroin-injecting, fat-lipped whore. But I won’t refute the fact that I shagged Kurt Cobain.

Bargain Hunt BBC1 12.15am

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Unless of course the proof readers have got one up on me and corrected the typos. In which case, well done. But now you’re torn aren’t you, between changing them and looking smart, or keeping them for comedy value.

The decision. Is yours. 5:00 Fiends 5:30 Fiends 6:00 Big Bother Live I hate Big Brother and would never consider entering. I am however considering entering Shipwrecked which would mean my summer would be spent on a desert island.

Sweet. And I’d lose a heap of weight ‘cause they only get fed rice or some other unsubstantial shit that wouldn’t fill a rat’s belly. 7:00 Hollyjokes 7:30 Big Brother Diary Room uncut 8:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30 Fiends 9:00 The O.C. I am actually in love with Seth.

Seriously. I think I need help.

10:00 Sex & The City 10:45 Big Bruvver’s Little Bruvver 11:15 Big Brother Live

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06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: "A Case of Honor" (1988, War) 15.40 Film: "When Billie Beat Bobby" (2001, Drama) 17.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away What’s going down in Summer Bay these days?

Hmm? What do you mean “you tell me you’re the fucking TV editor!”? I couldn’t give a flying fuck.

6.30 Family Affairs Ahh, affairs of the family are a kerfuffle aren’t they? I mean, if you told Daddy the crack was talc and the stoner in the bath was the plumber having a nap, he should believe you shouldn’t he? No faith.

7.00 five news 7.15 Big Ideas that Changed the World The hat umbrella, the heated slippers, Joss Stone, The Crazy Frog.

8.00 Secrets of the Sphinx: Revealed 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation I saw a guy in the library earlier with a CSI t-shirt on. Loser.

10.00 CSI: Miami 10.55 The Joan Rivers Position 11.25 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets 00.30 The Dead Zone 01.25 NBA Basketball: Game of the Week 03.55 Motorsport Mundial

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5:55am Party Animals 6:00am The Hoobs 6:25am The Hoobs 6:50am B4 7:15am Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45am Big Brother 8:30am Everybody Loves raymond 9:00am Will & Grace 9:25am Will & Grace 9:55am Moby Dick (1956) 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm The Great Garden Challenge 1:30pm Warlords of Atlantis 3:15pm Cuntdown 4:00pm Back in the Day 4:30pm Richard & Judy 5:25pm Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 The Property Chain 9:00 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 10:00 Big Brother So, how is it? Is it good? Has anyone boned anyone yet? Have we seen titties, dry-humping, pole-dancing, masturbation?

If not, why not, we’ve got Hollyoaks next and it better have a good act to follow.

10:55 Hollyoaks: In Too Deep Chortle, chortle, In Too Deep, geddit? Ah the sexual innuendo of late night Hollyoaks, we love it. Yes, this is gonna be a goodun.

Finally we’re gonna get to see Lisa and Ben get it on, and because it’s post-watershed we get to see naughty scenes and hear bad words, tee hee! Seriously though, I’ve only been watching Hollyjokes of late in order to see some love action between these two. 12:00 Sex and the City 12:40 Big Brother Live 3:30 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 4:00 Punk’D 4:25 The Chris Isaak Show 5:15 The Jamie Fullerton experiment 5:35 Greetings From Tuscon 6:00 Close

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Nanny 911 10.15 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Loose Women 2.15 Date My Daughter 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Angelina Ballerina.

The Old Oak Tree 3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 4.00 Rugrats 4.30 Captain Scarlet 5.00 The Best of the Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. Today things will happen that you’ll want to know about so here is some news so inform you.

6.30 ITV Evening News Newsflash: It’s 6.30 on Tuesday May 31 2005.

7.00 Emmerdale I’m trying to write stuff about all the primetime shows like they do in reputable TV guides, can you tell? Sadly I care not about the programmes about which I write and I would rather talk about Neighbours, Desperate Housewives and The O.C. 7.30 The Ferret Still haven’t seen this, is it actually about the goings-on of a furry animal? I hope so.

8.00 The Real Good Life Life as a TV Editor. S’good man.

9.00 Tom Comes Home Where the heck have you been you flaming gallar?

10.00 Celebrity Love Island Awwww, hell this is good!

Pure unadulterated tripe, woop woop!

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Bad Girls 0.05 The District 0.50 F1: European Grand Prix Replayed 3.30 Westlife in Profile 4.00 ITV Nightscreen

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Ideal 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed I can’t hardly wait.

23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 The Brothel 24.00 The Brothel 24.30 The Bachelor 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.00 Grass Quench editor James discusses the virtues of lawn, turf, The Green Stuff. Find out how best to maintain your lawn and what flowers to put in the flowerbed.

02.30 Cyderdelic 03.00 The Brothel 03.30 The Brothel 04.00 Close So guys, I fear these words may be my last for TV Desk as, alas, I have an exam next week. Forgive me as I sob into Gary’s empty coffee mug....Hmfph, exams suck, I think I’m quite possibly the last person to finish this year. Take care my fellow TV worshippers, eat well, don’t do drugs, listen to Arcade Fire, cross the road safely and bid me farewell.....sigh.

6:00am: CBeebies 6:20 The Roly Mo Show. 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: The Lampies. 7:10 Metalheads.

7:35 ChuckleVision. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 Arthur. 8:25 All or Nothing. 8:50 Looney Tunes. 9:00 Even Stevens. 9:25 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo. 9:50 Snailsbury Tales. 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 10:20 Tots TV. 10:30 Bobinogs. 10:40 Pingu. 10:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 11:00 Asterix Versus Caesar. 12:10pm: Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch.

1:00 FILM: Tron. (1982) 2:30 Springwatch with Bill Oddie.

3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads Some people with eggs for heads?

How silly.

6:30 Uncharted Territory A repeat of last week’s uninteresting antics from within TV Katie’s apple-catchers.

7:00 Top Gear Super show about cars and things. Girls like it too. I can’t even drive and I love it.

8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie Ornithology? Queue Doyle. Or Paul Danon aka Love Island Pest.

9:00 One Week to Save Your Marriage. Buy her a Rabbit vibrator. Buy him a Sky package, a lifetime’s supply of Playboy, and a tool kit.

10:00 The League of Gentlemen Hi Dave....

10:30 Newsnight It’s nighttime, you want some news, here’s Newsnight.

11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 11:55 FILM: Inseminoid. (1981) 1:30am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Science in Action 4:00 Science in Action

Hollyoaks: In Too Deep C4 10.55m

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 Escape to the Country. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours Boyd quits the gym. Yikes.

Toadie concedes that he's shying away from a relationship with Eva. That’s because she’s a fat heifer. But they say she’s got a really bubbly personality.

Summer is caught between the nerds and the cool kids. Double fnarr! 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News.

3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Taz-Mania 4:00 50/50 4:30 What's New Scooby Doo? 4:55 Short Change 5:20 Newsround Extra 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News and Weather Catch up on the day’s news and watch the weather. 6:30 Regional News Programmes See what’s happening in Wales with some news about Wales.

7:00 Love Me, Love My Kids A programme about loving yourself and your little shits.

7:30 EastEnders. A soap opera about some people in east London who argue lots and talk about faaaaaaamily.

8:00 Holby City. Long-running series about a hospital and stuff.

8:55 Match of the Day Live England v Columba. A football game of two halves.

11:00 BBC News; Regonal News; Weather. 11:35 FILM: Imposter. (2002) 1:10: Sign Zone: See Hear 1:55 ign Zone: Bailiffs 2:25 SignZone: Mind Your Own Busines

Tom Comes Home ITV1 9pm

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The League of Gentlemen BBC2 10pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

07:00 Planed Plant Bach 07:00 Pei Pwympen 07:15 Yoko! Yakamoko! Toto!

Golly, this sounds rather exciting. 07:20 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 07:30 Sam Tan 07:40 Superted 08:00 Planed Plant 08:00 13’30 Mundo O Enwogrwydd 08:20 Waaa! 08:30 Beyblade 09:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:25 Will & Grace 09:55 Fiends 10:25 Mind Your Manners 10:55 Room For Improvement TV Desk’s motto. 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 13:30 Eistedfodd Yr Urdd Canolfan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 16:15 Cundown 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol y Cwm 20:25 Eistedfodd Yr Urdd Canolfan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 21:30 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22:30 Big Brother 23:25 Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares 00:30 3 Minute Wonder 00:35 Hollyoaks: In Too Deep 01:35 Big Brother Live 02:35 Comedy Lab 03:00 Kissed (1995) By A Rose. 04:20 Close Diolch

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Wednesday

Page 28

May 30 - June 5 2005

examsover@woopdewoop.grace

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6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Spin City.

9.55 Married with Children.

10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 Trisha.

1.30 Coronation Street.

2.00 Emmerdale.

2.30 Airline.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.40 Judge Judy.

7.00 Spin City.

7.30 Married with Children.

8.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA. 8.50 Movies Now. 9.00 Who Killed the Pageant Queen? Richard Madeley.

10.00 Coronation Street.

10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun.

11.00 Footballers' Wives...have more money than me.

0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live.

2.00 Spin City.

2.25 Married with Children.

2.45 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.30 Teleshopping.

5.30 ITV2 Nightscreen. ITV2 is shit. I bemoan its existence every week-make it go away!!!

Please.

6.00 GMTV... You’re looking so healthy. We all say we want to be alone, we wear the same clothes ‘cos we feel the same...6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Nanny 911. 10.15 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.30 Loose Women.

2.15 Date My Daughter. 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? 3.30 Miffy and Friends. 3.35 Angelina Ballerina. Mouse of the Year Runners up include Dangermouse, Stuart Little, Jerry, Itchy, Fingermouse, Mightymouse and Abi Titmouse.

3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series. Hot Date 4.00 Art Attack. 4.25 Sleepover Club.

Perfect Match5.00 The Best of the Paul O'Grady Show. Is it possible to have ‘the best of’ something as unbelievably dire as this show?

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Holiday Showdown.

The Costa del Sol attacks and conquers Florida after a lengthy slagging match.

10.00 Celebrity Love Island.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 FILM: Backdraft.

(1991) 1.25 The Pitts. Miss American Pipe Some kind of alternative pipe-smoking beauty contest?

1.50 cd:uk Hotshots.2.15 World Sport. 2.40 Trisha. Oooh, I’m off to a Trisha themed party tommorow night, dressed as a soundwoman. The lack of preparation time has meant that my outfit consists of a broom with a sock over it. 3.30 Strictly Soho.4.00 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

19.00 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005: The Contenders 20.00 The World is cool and groovy baby. I’ve finished my exams, and actually have no reason to stay in Cardiff other than to supply the ungrateful and unwilling students with weekly TV goodness. I’ve had to postpone my plans to work in the remote mountain villages of Nepal knitting pashminas with my teeth. I hope you’re happy.

20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 French Beauty Jaques Chirac 22.10 Agnes Jaoui Introduction 22.15 Film: "Le Gout Des Autres" (2000) Dramatisation of a toe amputation operation.

24.10 French Beauty Discussion of what culinary creations Black Beauty would have become had he been born in France. British horses everywhere neigh a sigh of relief.

01.20 In the Footsteps of Churchill 01.50 England Away 02.30 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005: The Contenders Authors boxing?

Backdraft ITV1 11pm

6:00am The Hoobs 6:25 The Hoobs 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:25 Will & Grace 9:55 Grudge Match 10:05 FILM: The Captive Heart (1946) 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 1:35 FILM: The People that Time Forgot (1977) Pat Sharp, Cheryl Baker, Noel Edmonds, Darren Day. 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Back in the Day Grannies were cute, people actually liked each other and Zac from Saved By the Bell was the coolest kid on the block. Mobile phones were bigger than your purse, Dick and Dom weren’t famous and SATS were the most stressful exams you had to deal with.

Oh, bring back those heady days of youthful optimism.

4:30 Richard & Judy 5:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother’s uncle’s best friend’s wife’s sister’s daughter is a right slag.

6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: Hayfever Actually, although Benadryl is remarkably fast, it takes 15 minutes to take effect. Oh, I’m mistaken, 3 minutes is actually the time you have left to live once hayfever symptoms set in.

8:00 Relocation, Relocation 9:00 Big Brother 10:00 Desperate Housewives Special double-bill season finale of the smash hit US drama series. CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!

11:05 Desperate Housewives 12:05 Big Brother 3:05 Big Brother’s Big Mouth

6:00 Big Brother Live If I had more time or actually gave a shit, I would count the number of hours devoted to BB within this very page of listings. Its a lot anyway. It also means there are less programmes to write about, which makes TV Grace a tad narked off. I also begrudge the fact that in past years for no discernable reason I’ve spent hours watching the housemates sleeping, thus wasting valuable summer time.

3:05 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 3:35 Big Brother 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Big Brother 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30 Friends 9:00 Scrubs Hanging on the passenger side of his best friends ride...

9:30 Scrubs...trying to holler at me 10:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao,Purr Purr. 07.30 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 FILM: "Columbo: Dead Weight"(1971) Watch Columbo masquerade as a kindly grandfather in The Princess Bride. Its quite disturbing. 15.40 FILM: "The Art of Murder" (1999) TV Grace’s tips for stylish methods of homicide.

Includes: Daffodil leaf poisioning and the ‘asp in shoe’ technique.

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Killer Leopard of India The double life of TV Katie.

20.00 The Truth Behind the Moon Landings 21.00 FILM: "Tango and Cash"(1989) 23.05 The Sex.com Story 24.05 Naked in New Zealand Next week: Naked in Pontypridd 24.40 World of Rugby Gumshields, cauliflower ears, beer, firm thighs and Charlotte Church.

01.10 Indy Car Series 02.00 Race and Rally UK 02.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic 03.35 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.25 Dutch Football TV Manners looks like the Edge from U2 tonight. However I look like a cross between Kelly Osbourne and Jack Nicholson, due to copious pie eating and exam stress.

PRIMETIME

6:00am: CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Tweenies. 6:20 The Roly Mo Show. 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: The Lampies. 7:10 Metalheads.

7:35 ChuckleVision: Spaced Out 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 Arthur.

8:25 All or Nothing. 8:50 Looney Tunes. 9:00 Even Stevens. 9:25 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo. 9:50 Snailsbury Tales. 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 10:20 Tots TV. 10:30 Bobinogs. 10:40 Pingu.

10:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 11:00 FILM: Blackbeard the Pirate. (1952) 12:40: The Munsters. Yes, Galen, There Is a Herman.

Featuring the father of modern medicine, if I remember my GCSE history correctly. 1:05 The Munsters.1:30 Working Lunch.

2:00 The Flying Gardener. 2:30 Springwatch with Bill Oddie.

Watch the bearded beauty work his ornothological magic. Fuck me, that was the longest word I’ve attempted for some time.

3:30 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Eggheads.

6:30 Uncharted Territory.

7:00 No Win No Fee. 7:30 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Places That Don't Exist. Narnia, Carealot, Yabbi Creek.

8:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie.

9:00 Compulsion.

Documentary series that looks at how addictive and compulsive behaviour can ruin lives.

10:00 Blackadder the Third.

10:30 Newsnight.

11:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Theatre Biz. Remember The Biz with Paul Nicholls? God I loved that show, almost as much as North & South.

Garden Challenge C4 12.30pm

P R I M E T I M E

Your Union STUDENT SAVER

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three After downloading, ahem, legitimately purchasing the Arcade Fire album, I wholeheartly agree with the other deskers.

It’s super. Don’t usually keep up to date with what’s hip, hop and happening in the world of music.

19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 FILM: "Out of Sight" (1998) Swooney Clooney and Gay-lo star in this super dooper film with an equally wonderful soundtrack by David Holmes.

22.55 Country Strife 23.55 The Brothel Abigayles, Woodville Road 24.25 The Brothel Executive Massage Parlour, Whitchurch Road 24.55 The Bachelor 01.50 Country Strife 02.50 The Brothel GR Office, Cardiff University Students Union. Five quid an hour (Nonrefundable) Extras 50p each.

03.20 The Brothel 03.50 Close Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee xxxxx

Who Killed the Pageant Queen? ITV2 9pm

PRIMETIME

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 Escape to the Country. 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Diagnosis Murder.

3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. Radio Competition. 3:40 Taz-Mania.

4:00 Watch My Chops. The Big Sleep. 4:15 Fairly Odd Parents. 4:30 The Queen's Nose. With Paul Danan, whose nose-rubbing wishes must have been granted as we see him fondling Abi Titmuss’s generous bosom.

4:55 The Stables.

5:20 Newsround Extra.

5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Real Story with Fiona Bruce.

7:30 Little Angels.

8:00 Born and (In)Bred Tales from Derbyshire.

9:00 Whistleblower 10:00 BBC News 10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10:40 Hidden Talent TV desk’s: TV Willy: Ventriloquism; TV Johnny: The Unicycle; Manners: Impersonating Mousey from Bodger & Badger; Moi: Can fit a whole packet of Polos in my mouth.

11:40 FILM: Play Misty for Me. (1971) TV John assures me this is a super film. Clint Eastwood seems to be everywhere this week. (See Friday’s plethora of Clint-love) I think he’s a tit, but no-one listens to me anyway. Enjoy.

1:25: Sign Zone: Amazon

P R I M E T I M E

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French Beauty BBC4 9pm

P R I M E T I M E

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

07:00am Planed Plant Bach 7:00 Bibi Bel Try it if you please. Its a real cheese 07:05 Clwb Cleber 07:15 Yoko!

Jakamoko Toto! 07:20 Hwre!

Dyma Nodi 07:30 Sam Tn Who needs Fireman Sam's help in Pontypandy today? Ha.07:40 Superted 08:00 Planed Plant 08:00 13’30 Munud O Ewogwrrd 08:15 Sgorio Bach 08:20 Waaa!08:30 Hip Neu Sgip? 09:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 09:25 Will & Grace 09:55 Friends 10:25 Mind Your Manners 10:55 Room For Improvement 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 13:30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canoflan Milenum Cymru 2005 16:15 Countdown 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm Pool of Cum 20:25 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canoflan Milenum Cymru 2005 21:30 Property Ladder 22:30 Big Brother 23:30 ER00:30 3 Minute Wonder: Hayfever 00:35 Big Brother Live 02:30 Film: Conan the Barbarian

Thursday

May 30 - June 5 2005

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Thankgod it’s half term. No children for an entire week. TV John ain’t so happy though because it means that he’s got a week of annoying children buying that fucking ‘Crazy Frog’ single from MVC. Outselling Coldplay 3-1 last I heard. Haha. And Coldplay were called pretentious on TV this morning. 21.00 Teen Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Desperate Midwives 23.00 Spendaholics 23.55 The Brothel 0.25 The Brothel 0.55 The Bachelor 01.55 Teen Angels You need to watch the episode of ‘The Brothel’ in order to understand the lifestyles of these teen beauties. As you might be able to tell, I’m feeling rather sexually active tonight. Or promiscious, I can’t tell the difference. It’s the soothing soul sounds drifting through the office that’s slowly turning me on. If I was a random reading this, my stomach would be turning. I apologise. 02.50 The Brothel 03.20 The Brothel

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Spin City 9.55 Married with Children.

Heels on Wheels 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 Trisha 13.30 Coronation Street 14.30 Emmerdale 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 Spin City 19.30 Married with Children 20.00 The Real Good Life 21.00 Bad Girls 22.00 Monkey Trousers Wallace and his oh so cute and cuddly cunt dog-like friend find themselves in a new and exciting dilemma. Will they realise that the chicken is actually a wanted monkey with a rubber glove on it’s head? No, of course not because otherwise that would spoil the plot and turn an otherwise fairly good children’s show into a sexually depraved feast for the eyes. I may have made that last bit up though. 22.30 Footballers' Wives Extra Time 23.00 The Contender 0.00 Celebrity Love Island Live 02.00 Spin City 02.25 Married with Children 02.45 The Ricki Lake Show 03.30 Teleshopping 05.30 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 20.00 The World 20.30 Mindset 21.00 Tales from France 22.00 Sounds of the Seventies 22.30 The Thick of It 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 Arrested Development 23.45 The Thick of It I’ve just been slapped by the editor. I’m thinking of calling one of those personal injury lawyers to sue the shit out of him. Second thoughts, beating him with the diet coke bottle lying around would provide me with much more satisfaction.

But no money. 0.15 Journeys From the Centre of the Earth 01.15 Mindset 01.45 The Thick of It My hilarious joke of the moment is at text Geordie’s mum sent him. It read as follows: ‘I just thought I found a loaf of bread named after you.

But then I realised it read Thick Cut’.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

02.15 In the Footsteps of Churchill 02.45 Tales from France 03.45 Dicken’s in America Wow, our very own News Editor away from his precious desk to the bright lights of the US of A. 04.15 Close

6:00 Big Brother Live 14:55 Big Brother’s Big Mouth That guy with the floppy hair, although extremely annoying and grade A cunt a lot fo the time can have his comedic moments. His most memorable line for me has to be, after watching another ‘incident’ during last years Big Bro, said that it made him ‘cry one tear of milk, and one of blood’.

No, I’ve no idea what he’s on about either but the randomness is quite amusing. Perhaps he will come out with another gem this year but TV Desk has vowed never to watch Big Bro, or it’s associated shows, ever again and as such, I’m forbidden from finding out. Shame really. I advise you to do the same though. Avoid Big Bro like the plague this year because it’s going to be the bane of your summer. 15:25 Big Brother 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Big Brother Live 19:00 Hollyoaks 19:30 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 20:00 Big Brother Little Brother 20:30 Friends 21:00 ER 22:00 Sex And The City 22:45 Big Brother’s Little Brother 23:15 Big Brother Live

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6.00 Rolie Polie Olie 6.25 The Save-Ums! 6.35 Franny's Feet 6.50 Hi-5 7.25 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 8.15 Roobarb 8.20 Franklin 8.45 MechaNick 8.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 9.15 Little Antics 9.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 Film: Showdown (1963) 15.35 Film: Final Descent (2000) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Dream Holiday Home 19.30 House Doctor: Ann's Top Ten! 1. The guy who took her up the arse 2. The guy who licked in between her toes 3. The guy who went down on her 4. The guy with a donkey willy 5.

The guy who didn’t go down on her 6. The guy who liked watersports.

20.00 Brand New You Complete with eyeliner, a pink scarf, enormous hair and a coolio hat.

21.00 Film: Presumed Innocent (1990) but then they realised they were dealing with Doyle and some poor sixteen year old girl. I can’t reveal any more because the case is still continuing.

23.30 Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman Fantastic, a film following the life of the arrogant one from Top Gun. As you might be able to guess, life went downhill for the pilot following his run in with Maverick. 0.25 Arrest and Trial 0.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week II 02.10 Argentinian Football 03.45 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.35 US Major League Soccer

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5:55 Party Animals 6:00 The Boobs 6:25 The Boobs 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:25 Will & Grace 9:55 The Trouble With Angels (1966) 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge Get yourself a lawnmower and take it along to Bute Park next Wednesday to take part. If you can achieve the ‘line’ effect as seen on football pitches across the country 13:30 Support Your Local Gunfighter (1971) 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Back In The Day 16:30 Richard & Judy 17:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother Has incredibly large eyes due to his constant ‘nosiness’ and ‘watchiness’. Fucking weirdo. Don’t watch this.

18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 3 Minute Wonder: Hay Fever I’m looking forward to my three minute sneeze. If a normal sneeze is 1/8 or an orgasm then imagine what a 3 minute fucking extravaganza is going to be like.

20:00 Wife Swap 21:00 Make Me Normal I scream this every morning but nothing seems to happen. Please. Somone. Help.

22:00 Big Brother 22:50 Ricky Gervais: Politics 0:30 4play: John Legend 0:50 Big Brother Live 03:30 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut What does that chair do when the cameras aren’t looking? The word on the grapevine is that the diary chair is trying to hook up with one of those weird egg shaped seats from the last series. 04:00 Transworld Sport 04:50 Countdown

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Nanny 911 10.15 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.30 Loose Women 14.15 Date My Daughter 15.00 Have I Been Here Before?

Sitting at a computer in the wee hours of the morning. I’m having deja vu and yet I can’t think why.

Oh wait, that’s it. I’m at the fucking newspaper writing drivel for losers who have too much time on their hands and so they actually read the TV Guide.

15.30 Miffy and Friends 15.35 Angelina Ballerina 15.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series 15.55 Jungle Run 16.25 The Sleepover Club Featuring me, myself, Doyle, Sophie, Talmage, Charissa, Menon and sleeping bags. That reminds me, anyone ever playing ‘wormies’ by getting into an upturned sleeping bag and wandering around beating the shit out of other poor fools in their upturned sleeping bags.

No? Ok that’s my strange childhood being slowly revealed.

17.00 The Best of the Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Wales This Week 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Ladette to Lady 22.00 Celebrity Love Island 22.30 ITV News 23.00 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 0.05 Providence 0.50 Redcoats 01.15 Love Match Talmage and Sophie monkey allegedly went on a date last week. But we’re still unsure as to the ‘real’ facts. As soon as I find out I’ll spill. 01.40 cd:uk 02.30 1984 Forever 03.25 Cybernet 03.50 Loose Women 04.30 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Ladette To Lady ITV1 9pm

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Monkey Trousers ITV2 10pm

PRIMETIME

6:00 CBeebies: Tweenies 6:20 The Roly Mo Show 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: The Lampies 7:10 Metalheads Including such massive acts as AC/DC, Iron Maiden, Saxon, Man O War, Rhapsody feat. Luca Torelli, Faith No More, 7:35 ChuckleVision 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Arthur 8:25 All or Nothing 8:50 Looney Tunes 9:00 Even Stevens 9:25 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 9:50 Snailsbury Tales 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory 10:20 Tots TV 10:30 Bobinogs 10:40 Pingu 10:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 FILM: Sons of the Sea (1939) 12:30 Working Lunch 13:00 FILM: What Love Sees (1996) 14:30 Springwatch with Bill Oddie 15:30 Flog It! 16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Eggheads 18:30 Uncharted Territory 19:00 The Culture Show 20:00 Springwatch with Bill Oddie With one of those extra slow-mo cameras, our Bill watches flowers develop from their winter state to the joys of spring. In actual fact, we all know he’s watching the saucy hosewife in the background taking a wizz in the bush. Filthy conservationists.

21:00 Dead Ringers 21:30 The Robinsons 22:00 Kath and Kim 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 The Culture Show 0:20 FILM: Artemisia (1997) The lesser known and more pretentious form of amnesia. Just right for those arty types who love brown cardigans and green cordruoy trousers. 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Secondary Schools: Science in Action Fuck me they’re scary as. Science on heat. 04:00 Science

P R I M E T I M E

P R I M E T I M E

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Animal Park 10:00 Escape to the Country 11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Diagnosis Murder 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger ‘Badge, can I have some cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese?’

‘It’s mashed potato mousey’.

That line always craacks me up.

Is it still the same as when I watched it in the 90s? Good shows never grow old. 15:40 Taz-Mania 16:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker Whereas this is clearly utter shite because I’ve never watched it. 16:30 SMart 17:00 Really Wild Show 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News and Weather 18:30 Regional News Programmes 19:00 Cash in the Attic 19:30 EastEnders 20:00 Airport 20:30 War at the Door 21:00 Murphy's Law 22:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 22:35 FILM: Under Siege (1992) 0:20 Sign Zone: Love Me, Love My Kids I tried that with my classes at school but people started gettin suspicious. I think the kids love me though. Or maybe I wish they did. I could get arrested for this. 0:50 Sign Zone: Seven Natural Wonders 1. My new edition of AP 2.

Talmage’s Deutschen motte, Arbeit Macht Frei 3. The Duck Off Duck 4. Domino’s BBQ pizza 5. Eating an entire BBQ pizza 6.

Menon 7. Castell Cock Golf Club. Well, I mean chav course.

01:20 Joins BBC News 24

Date My Daughter ITV1 2.15pm

P R I M E T I M E

Taz-Mania BBC1 3.40pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

7:00 Planed Plant Bach 7:00 Teletubbies 7:25 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 7:35 Sam Tn 7:45 Superted 8:00 Planed Plant 8:20 Waaa! 9:00 Everbody Loves Raymond 9:25 Will & Grace 9:55 Friends 10:25 Mind Your Manners Haha that’s like my name. Oh wait, it’s not that funny. 10:55 Room For Improvement 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 13:30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canolfan Cymru 2005 I’m sorry? I can’t understand your backwards language. And neither can anyone else so therefore no one is going to watch this. Harsh but fair. 16:15 Countdown 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 The Thompsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canolfan Cymru 21:30 Relocation, Relocation 22:30 Big Brother 23:20 Ricky Gervais: Politics 00:55 3 Minute Wonder: Hay Fever 01:00 Big Brother Live 02:30 Comedy Lab: Skin Deep 03:00 World Superbikes 2005 03:55 British Formula 3 Championship 04:25 Close

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Friday

Page 30

May 30 - June 5 2005

finished@ohmygoditsthreeoclock.argh

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6.00 GMTV2.

9.25 Spin City. You spin me right round baby round round...

9.55 Married with Children.

10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael.

11.10 Judge Judy.

12.25 Trisha.

1.30 Coronation Street.

2.00 Emmerdale.

2.30 Airline.

3.00 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.50 Trisha.

4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael.

5.45 Judge Judy.

7.00 Spin City.

7.30 Married with Children.

8.00 Planet's Funniest Animals. Emus, Poodles, Ducks and Crabs.

8.30 Jennifer Love Hewitt...

Love Chain.

9.00 Chubby Chasers.

10.00 Footballers' Wives Extra Time.

10.30 Celebrity Love Island: Aftersun.

11.00 Coronation Street.

11.30 Celebrity Love Island Live.

2.00 Spin City.

2.20 Married with Children.

2.45 The Ricki Lake Show.

3.30 Teleshopping.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 Nanny 911. 10.15 This Morning. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.30 Loose Women. 2.15 Date My Daughter. 3.00 Have I Been Here Before? 3.30 Miffy and Friends. Miffy Lost at the Beach...after drinking too much vodka at Barry Island. 3.35 Angelina Ballerina.3.45 Mr Bean: The Animated Series.

4.00 Splash Camp. 4.30 That's So Raven. Psychics Wanted Mystic Meg need not apply.5.00 The Best of the Paul O'Grady Show.

6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. Hopefully sunny.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Coronation Street.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald, TV Grace covers the hits of The Beautiful South.

8.30 Airline.

9.00 Celebrity Love Island.

She’s a perfect 10, but she wears a 12, baby take a little 2 for me...

10.00 Monkey Trousers.

They could never be blue, they could never be bluehoo-hoo....

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Neighbourhoods from Hell. Cathays?

0.05 The Contender. I really want to take up boxing this summer after the hilarious fisticuffs between myself and TV John. I must stress that he was quite literally asking for it, and any comments in last week’s TV regarding my violent behaviour were potentially libellous.

0.55 FILM: The Prisoner of Zenda. (1979t2.45 Entertainment Now! I love you from the bottom....of my pencil case. 3.10 cd:uk Hotshots.

Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue.

19.00 Dickens in America 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 20.00 The World 20.30 The Cinema Show 21.00 Heimat, how are you?

22.00 Beethoven Uncovered Pianist and conductor Daniel Barenboim gives a masterclass on the Beethoven piano sonatas, coaching some of the world's rising stars of the piano who already have international careers, including Lang Lang, David Kadouch and Jonathan Biss.

23.00 Je t'aime Europe It’s the final countdown do do do do, da da da da da.

23.50 Je t'aime: Jane Birkin 24.40 Jane Birkin: Arabesque 01.35 Tales from France Brie, Camenbert, Port Salut, St. Agur, Roule. Onions, garlic, shalots.

Horse meat, snails, big cups of hot chocolate, that guy from Eurotrash, Jean Christophe Nouvelli and that painting of a woman with a dodgy smile.

02.35 Beethoven Uncovered He just used to press the ‘demo’ button on his electronic keyboard. Cheat.

Bone Daddy five 11.15 pm

6:00 The Hoobs 6:25 The Hoobs 6:50 B4 7:15 Big Brother’s Little Brother 7:45 Big Brother 8:30 Everybody Loves Raymond 9:00 Will & Grace 9:25 Will & Grace 9:55 What’s in a Word Letters.

10:05 FILM: One Million Years B.C.(1966) 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge1:30 Post Modern Pastimes 1:45 FILM: The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) 3:15 Countdown 4:00 Back in the Day 4:30 Richard & Judy I LOVE Dick and Jude, although I have come to notice a couple of weird things about Judy. Firstly: her eyes face opposite directions; Also every time she talks she sounds af if shes trying to suppress a burp or hiccup. Strange but true.

5:25 Big Brother’s Little Brother 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 The Simple Life 2: Roadtrip 8:00 Scrubs 8:30 Will & Grace 9:00 Big Brother I have three strapping ones. Two of them forgot my birthday.

9:30 8 Out of of 10 Cats...skank food from the next door neighbour.

10:00 Big Brother 10:35 Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone Of Idiot 11:40 4Music Presents…Oasis Does Liam Gallagher have a neck?

12:15 Today at the Test 12:45 Big Brother Live 3:35 Hit40 UK 4:05 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 4:30 South American Football Championship 5:25 Countdown 6:10 Close Adios amigos. Only one more week of TV fun left.

6:00 Big Brother Live 3:05 Big Brother Diary Room Uncut 3:35 Big Brother 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Big Brother Live 7:00 Hollyoaks Ben and Lisa wake up to their first day as a proper couple. Awww! They get together! Steph's meeting with the interested agent is approaching fast. Mrs Hunter leads Macki (most annoying face ever?) away to be interrogated; can Justin live with being a grass?

7:30 Big Brother’s Big Mouth 8:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 8:30 Friends 9:00 Friends 9:30 Big Brother Live 9:55 Sex & the City 10:30 Big Brother Live So E4 today consists of four different programmes, which gives me space to talk about all the important issues which fill my young, underdeveloped mind.

Alas, it’s nearly 3am and I can’t be arsed.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.40 Franny's Feet 06.50 Hi-5 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Roobarb 08.20 Franklin 08.45 MechaNick 08.50 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.15 Little Antics 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 FILM: "Brand New Life" (1972) 15.40 FILM: "A Father's Choice" (2000) 17.30 five News 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 HouseBusters 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design D is for dado rails.

20.30 Nice House, Shame about the Garden More like nice house, shame about the overflowing septic tank and the rat infestation.

21.00 FILM: Tightrope (1984) 23.15 FILM: Bone Daddy (1998) There are endless witty commments I could make about the title of this film, but I’m far too civilised to go down that route. 01.05 FILM: Artificial Lies (1999) Too clever and contradictory a title for my liking. 02.40 FILM: House III the Horror Show (1989) Oooh so many films on tonight. 04.05 Sunset Beach 04.50 Melrose Place 05.35 Sons and Daughters. When I was a mini Grace, I invented a disease called ‘Far prickle prickle’ with a whole set of horrific symptoms, and claimed that I had a daughter who suffered from it, despite the fact that I was five at the time.

P R I M E T I M E

6:00am: CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Tweenies. 6:20 The Roly Mo Show. 6:40 The Story Makers. 7:00 CBBC: The Lampies. 7:10 Metalheads.

7:35 ChuckleVision. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 Arthur.

8:25 All or Nothing. 8:50 Looney Tunes. 9:00 Even Stevens. 9:25 Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo. 9:50 Snailsbury Tales. 10:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 10:20 Tots TV. 10:30 Bobinogs.10:40 Pingu.

10:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 11:00 The Twelve Tasks of Asterix. 12:20 Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch.

1:30 Racing from Epsom.

4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Eggheads.6:30 Racing: Derby Day Preview. 7:00 Tesco: Supermarket Superpower.

Every little helps.

7:30 A Year at Kew. 8:00 Gardeners' World.

9:00 Beethoven. One of David Duchovney’s more memorable career choices.

10:00 Grumpy Old Men. 10:30 Newsnight.

11:00 Newsnight Review.

11:35 Later with Jools Holland. Joining him are New Order, Faith Evans, the Coral, Rufus Wainwright and MIA. Worth a ganders.

12:40: FILM: Roadblock.

(1951)Classic Film Noir, which is characterised by dark cities, an investigative narrative and a flawed but essentially moral protagonist. See, you actually learn stuff at uni.2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Wallace in Wales.2:30 Modernist Primitivism. 3:00 Orsanmichele.Mcmanus. Finest animal porn ever. 3:50 Ever Wondered? 4:00 Mr Moore Runs for Washington. Michael Moore???

Spin City ITV2 9.25am

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19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Who Rules the Roost?

22.00 EastEnders Kat's thrilled when Zoe makes a business proposition but is distressed by Alfie's lack of warmth. Can Kat ride out the storm or will she leave the Square for good?

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Piffle.

23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 The Brothel 24.30 The Brothel 01.00 The Bachelor 02.00 The Bachelor 02.55 Spendaholics TV Desk’s most ridiculous purchases: TV John: 60 quid on a cape; TV Willy: That Yugoslavian bride; TV Manners: A packet of condoms please (Keep the Change); Me: My nose.03.55 Close Apologies for the abundance of song lyrics within my TV pages this week. I seem to be thinking in song form for some bizarre reason.

Beethoven Uncovered BBC4 10pm

P R I M E T I M E

6:00: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 Escape to the Country.

11:00 To Buy or Not to Buy. 11:30 Houses Behaving Badly. 12:15: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. 2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Diagnosis Murder.

3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. 3:40 Taz-Mania.

4:00 Arthur. 4:15 Fairly Odd Parents. 4:30 Rule the School. 5:00 Stupid...is as stupid does.

5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News and Weather.

6:30 Regional News Programmes.

7:00 A Question of Sport. Why are Rugby balls shaped funny?

Does Gavin Henson’s menacingly spiky hair ever cause injuries on the field? Did Sue Barker really shag Cliff Richard? Why is a shuttlecock called a shuttlecock?

7:30 Top of the Pops.

8:00 EastEnders.

8:30 The Lenny Henry Show.

9:00 Have I Got News for You. TV John once cut up a shoelace into little pieces and ate it.

9:30 The Kumars at No 42.

10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather.

10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross.

11:35 FILM: Sudden Impact. (1983) 1:35am:

E

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A Fathers’s Choice five 3.40pm

PRIMETIME

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

07:00 Planed Plant Bach 07:00 Pentre Bache 07:15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 07:20 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 07:30 Sam Tn 07:40 Superted 08:00 Planed Plant 08:00 13 30 Munud O Enwogrwydd 08:20 Waaa! 08:30 O Na! Y Morgans 09:00 Everybody Loves Raymond except TV Grace.

09:25 Friends 10:25 Mind Your Manners 10:55 Room for Improvement 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 The Great Garden Challenge 13:30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canoflan Mileniwm Cymru 2005 16:15 Countdown 17:00 Richard & Judy 17:55 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:30 Uuned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Canoflan Mileniwm Cymru 21:30 Big Brother 22:00 Big Brother 22:35 Lolipop 23:05 Johnnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot 00:05 8 Out of 10 Cats 00:35 Today at the Test 01:05 Big Brother Live 03:35 FILM: Meet the Applegates (1990) 05:15 Close I like the way you moo-hoove......

Saturday

May 30 - June 5 2005

Page 31

lastchancesaloon@givemethefuckinglifetimeachievementawardorI’llbehereuntilI’mfifty.co.uk

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Celebrity Fit Club 15.30 Holiday Showdown 16.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 IRB Rugby Sevens Live 19.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 19.50 Love Chain 20.15 Holiday Showdown 21.15 FILM: The Skulls 23.20 Celebrity Love Island Live 02.15 Emmerdale Omnibus 04.40 Teleshopping 05.40 ITV2 Nightscreen Oh man, it’s been a while since I’ve had to write two days of TV. Not since the hazy days of last year when it was me, TV Holly and TV Andy at the helm, I miss those days, with Andy bigging up obscure hip-hop, and I’m sure there were good sunsets behind the psychology buildings last year. None of that this year. This is my last TV desk of the 2004/2005 season, I’m fucking off to London next week to check out The Magnolia Electric Company at Bush Hall. Enjoy the last few un-hilarious drunken rambles, and see you next year!

19.00 Beethoven Classic Archive: Symphonies 1-3 21.00 The Thick of It 21.30 Je t'aime Europe No thanks. My one experience in Europe involved a school trip to the Asterix Theme Park in year 7, which completely sucked.

Everyone apart from me thought they’d be real cool and buy cans of non-alcoholic beer from the vending machine for five francs each and pretend to be drunk in their hotel room. The theme park was ace though, although I went on the pirate boat too many times and felt violently ill, and it was at that point I hated everybody that was in my year at school including my former friends. But still, I’m the one who bought the Scatman John album and not them, so a rousing fuck you to you all. Erm, where was I? 22.25 BBC Four Sessions 23.25 Classic Soul at the BBC 24.25 The Thick of It 24.55 Tales from France 01.55 BBC Four Sessions 02.55 Classic Soul at the BBC Graham Norton attempts to reclaim his from Satan.

03.55 Close

Excess Baggage five 7.10pm

6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am THE Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport 8:00am The Morning Line 9:00am T4 9:30am T4: Futurama 10:00am T4: hit40uk 10:30am T4: Big Brother 11:00am T4: Big Brother 11:30am T4: Sin City: T4 Special 12:00pm T4: The Simple Life 2: Road Trip “Next stop, a nudist colony!” says the blurb. Next stop, slitting my wrists and letting the blood spurt into my throat.

12:30pm T4: Pure T4 1:00pm T4: Point Pleasant 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 3:35pm Force of Nature 4:05pm Angels One Five 5:55pm Jun Chao Turns on Mao Sounds suspiciously like a TV Holly headline.

6:25pm Channel 4 News 6:55pm Film: Sense and Sensibility 9:25pm Big Brother 10:15pm Our Survey Says: The Ultimate Game Show Moments Very promising, if you ignore the presence of Iain Lee. Admittedly, this sounds like a re-hash of a show C4 showed about five years ago with Peter Kay, but whatever, game shows rule our lives.

11:55pm Eurotrash 12:25am Today at the Test 12:55am Big Brother Live 4:05am South American Football Championship 5:00am Countdown 5:45am Greetings from Tucson 6:10am Close I’ve reached the stage tonight where I’m too tired to be doing this. God, I’ve got to start work in just over six hours, and I’m really enjoying Geordie’s Mark Knopfler CD. What’s happening to me? I need some vodka right NOW.

6:00am Big Brother Live 12:50pm Sin City: T4 Movie Special 1:20pm Big Brother 1:50pm Big Brother 2:25pm hit40uk 2:50pm Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm The O.C. 7:00pm The O.C. 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Johnny Vegas: 18 Stone of Idiot Not to be confused with Johnn Vaughan: 18 cockney jokes that all suck, Johnny English: 18 seconds of comedy stretched over 2 hours of unrivalled badness, Johnny Cash: 18 breaths with Roseanne before he snuffed it, Johnny Mnemonic: 18 certificate bum love, Johnny Depp: 18 films, 18 reasons to turn gay, Johnny Briggs: 18 years ago and it’s still cack, Johnny Ball: 18 scientific magic tracks and I still don’t know how photosynthesis works, or Johnny Borrell from Razorlight: 18 mousetraps attached to his monkey-faced chops, please.

10:05pm Derren Brown: The Gathering 11:15pm Big Brother Live ajadaj!

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Mio Mao 07.30 Funky Valley 07.35 Make Way for Noddy 07.50 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 08.55 George Shrinks 09.25 Beyblade 09.50 Hercules: The Legendary Journeys 10.45 Beast Wars 11.20 Home and Away Omnibus 13.25 FILM: For the Love of the Game Unlikely suspects stand up and declare their love for the G-Unit “genius” that is the Game. Wow, there’s a picture of him holding a baby on the CD sleeve, so he’s got to be a sensitive kinda guy. This also could be a film for people declaring their adoration of George Costanza’s Nazi alias in Seinfeld, and his anti-semitic book ‘The Game’, here’s hoping.

15.55 FILM: Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island 17.30 Charmed 18.20 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.10 FILM: Excess Baggage 21.05 five news 21.25 CSI:NY 22.25 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.20 FILM: Cruising 01.15 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.10 FILM: Gloria I know someone called Gloria, possibly named after the Patti Smith song. Which is better than being named after the Australian slang for toilet, what you write just before you die, your P’s and Q’s, a book about what some little tart did, an overcooked rugby player or a grape from The Garden Gang.

04.05 Sunset Beach 04.50 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.35 Sons and Daughters

029 20229977

PRIMETIME

6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattak 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.45 European GP2.

1.20 Britain's Best Back Gardens 1.50 Quincy, ME. To Clear the Air 2.50 FILM: The 'Burbs. Early film in the Tom Hanks filmography. Twat, although early twat, and maybe not so bad. He’s always been a poor man’s Bill Murray though, hasn’t he?

4.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 4.55 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.10 You've Been Framed Kids Special Children aren’t funny!

6.10 FILM: Kindergarten Cop “Kindergarten Crap” more like.

8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.10 ITV News 9.25 Murder in Suburbia: Estate Agents A crime not worth solving.

10.25 Celebrity Love Island 11.25 FILM: The Graduate Starring firstly, Dustin Hoffmans nose, and then secondly, the rest of Dustin Hoffman, five minutes later.

1.20 The Magnificent Seven 2.05 cd:uk 2.55 The Pitts 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Alicia Keys in Profile Hands up who can think of anything positive to say about Alicia Keys?...

4.10 Cybernet 4.35 Get Stuffed!

4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News ...I’m still waiting. Anyone?

Anyone got anything nice to say?

P R I M E T I M E

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PRIMETIME

19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.15 Jacko: the Next Move Hands behind the back, cuffing and being chained to an axe murderer in Alcatraz. They’re reopening it just for him.

21.15 Farscape 22.00 Three's Outtakes 22.05 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.25 Film: Out of Sight Film I always get confused with U Turn.

Which is the one that has the David Holmes sountrack and has George Clooney in? If this is it, then I remember it being pretty good. If not, then I can’t comment as I haven’t seen U Turn.

24.20 Doctor Who Kids - just say no.

01.05 Doctor Who Confidential 01.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps With Will “son of David” Mellor.

02.35 15 Storeys High 03.05 Country Strife Erm can I think of a hilarious anecdote involving me in the countryside?

No, but I set my dressing gown on fire on Sunday. 04.05 Close

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food?

12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Trade Secrets 12:55 Talking Movies 1:20 The Garden with Dan Pearson.

1:50 French Open Tennis 3:30 Castle in the Country 4:30 Monk 5:10 The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes 6:05 Flog It! 7:05 Porridge 7:35 The Nazis 8:25 How We Fell for Europe I often used to stare wide-eyed and saucy, everytime VH1 hits played The Final Countdown.

9:25 Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music 10:25 Conviction 11:25 Have I Got News for You 11:55 Dead Ringers 12:25am: FILM: Road Games Chicken, who can reverse their car the fastest down the M3 extension?, roofrack surfing, caravan kicking, throw the dog out the sunroof game, etc 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hitting Targets The eight year old buying Crazy Frog in Woolworths at fifteen paces! Go! 2:30 Evaluating Preschool Education 3:00 Uncertain Principles 3:30 Wild Moves 4:00 Open Advice 4:30 What's Right for Children?

A good kick up the ass and their faces shoved into a man-trap.

5:00 Controlling Carnival Crowds? Advice you’ve always wanted for those day-to-day situations.

5:50 Ever Wondered?

Castle in the Country BBC2 3.30pm

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy 8:35 Fairly Odd Parents 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 The Basil Brush Show 10:55 What's New Scooby Doo? 11:15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 11:35 CBBC Show Selecta 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 The Father Dowling Mysteries 1:00 Derby Day Grandstand Fifth-rate ned racing. Although in my second year I remember watching the Derby one Saturday followed by a repeat of Only Fools and Horses, and then went and got drunk in a hotel, so I have a few fond memories. Unlike the rest of the second year.

4:50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5:10 Weakest Link 6:00 Strictly Dance Fever 7:00 Doctor Who 7:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go 8:35 Casualty 9:25 Strictly Dance Fever 10:05 BBC News; Weather.

10:25 FILM: Shanghai Noon Buddy boy bollocks that Jackie Chan can’t seem to get away from these days.

12:10am: Derby Day Highlights 12:30 FILM: Chato's Land 2:15 Top of the Pops Good Charlotte, 50 Cent and John Legend are among the artists playing. The new Good Charlotte single can indefinitely kiss my ass. I don’t mind John Legend, despite the fact he’s named after a Bob Marley compilation.

50 Cent’s a big girl’s blouse though, the bug-eyed nancy boy.

2:45 Joins BBC News 24 gdfgdftggdfgdfg

Uncertain Principles BBC2 3am

P R I M E T I M E

The Graduate ITV1 11.25pm

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Special 09:55 Mind Your Manners It's a tough call for the two Manners Mistresses. Grace and Katy.

10:20 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 10:45 Point Pleasant 11:35 The O.C. 12:25 The O.C. 13:15 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Raacing 15:35 THE Airships 16:35 The Guardian Hay Festival: Three Authors in Search of a Novel L17:30 Cyngerdd Yr Urdd 2005 19:15 Newyddion a Chweardeon 19:30 Eistedfford Yr Urdd Canolfan Milenwym Cymru 2005 22:00 O Flaen Dy Lygar 23:05 Tipyn o Stag Or “Tipping the Stag” as I’m hoping it’s called. A program about knocking over sleeping male deer.

23:35 Big Brother 00:25 Today at the Test 2nd TEST 00:55 Big Brother Live 03:30 Sin City: T4 Movie Special 04:00 South American Football Championship 2005 05:00 Kotv

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Sunday

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May 30 - June 5 2005

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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross It’s a shame that today is Sunday.

23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Cyderdelic 0.30 Spendaholics 01.25 Country Strife 02.20 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 03.20 Cyderdelic 03.50 Close Well, with the exams nearly over, the party season is almost upon us. There are parties galore next week at the gair rhydd and I can finally attend the ‘thank god it’s not a school night tour’ which I’m looking forward to immensly.

Following that, I’m off to kick some ass on the links at Castell Coch. Granted it’s the course for people who can’t get into real courses but for five pounds, how can you complain. And you get to rake the bunker and everything. You just have to watch out for the extra hazards like cans of Fosters and the ubiquitous fag ends lying around.

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The molester in the corner. 10.25 Movies Now 10.40 Planet's Funniest Animals Master Matthew John Bater 11.10 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 12.10 Emmerdale Omnibus What’s red and pink and goes round and round? A baby in a washing machine. 15.00 Coronation Street Omnibus The epitome of taste. 17.30 Martin Johnson Testimonial 18.30 IRB Rugby Sevens Live 21.00 Film: The Mummy Returns (2001) And this time she’s pissed. She’s found out that you’ve been sleeping with Doyle sex-pest himself and she’s not happy.

23.25 Footballers' Wives Extra Time What’s brown and half eaten? The Pope’s Easter egg.

23.55 Coronation Street 0.25 Celebrity Love Island Live What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge. It goes with the show. 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen What’s the difference between a hedgehog and George Michael? If you get pricked by a hedgehog you don’t get AIDs.

19.00 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 19.10 Europe: A Natural History 20.00 Travels with Pevsner 20.50 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 21.00 Heimat Clearly spelt wrong. 22.00 A Digital Picture of Britain 22.40 Talking Landscapes 23.10 Landscape Mysteries 23.40 Europe: A Natural History 24.30 A Digital Picture of Britain TV John was demonstrating the finer points of jumping off the top rope (a la celebrity wrestling) until he realised that one slip and he’d end up falling two floors off the balcony onto the pavement below (because his top rope was the railing around the Union. Although, it did mean that, if he did fall, we could have run the headline, TV John: Dead Mate and we would have had exclusive pictures from the scene before anyone else.

We really need to get out more.

And you do too, you’re reading this rubbish. Yeah, you. Stop reading! God, I’m such a loser.

01.00 Proms on Four 2004 Suitable for ages 39-72. 03.10 Europe: A Natural History 04.00 Close

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 British GT Championship 7:30 World Superbikes 8:00 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee-TV 8:55 T4 Futurama Tafod wanted me to write some joke about Fry getting his lightsaber out for Leila but I decided against it because it shows we’re far too knowledgable about the show. 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:55 T4: California Dreaming 13:30 T4: Big Brother’s Little Brother 14:30 T4: The O.C. They took away my OC last week but now I get double the pleasuure of this afternoon. I think I’m drooling slightly. 15:30 T4: The O.C. 16:30 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17:25 Cocoon: The Return (1988) 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House 21:00 Big Brother Oh fuck, it’s started and now you’ll have the opportunity to listen to pseudo-psychologists talking crap about nothingness within the house. I’ll still be abstaining by now and not watching BB. 22:00 The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) Now I would go mental on this and reveal sordid secrets about certain members of the office (because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a bit of gossip?) but I’m going to restrain myself and not say a word. Just read Thursday’s listings. Muha.

0:10 Today At The Test 0:45 Big Brother Live This is one of those voyeuristic moments when you can watch them sleeping and not get arrested. 03:05 World Touring Car Championships 04:00 Speedway Grand Prix 04:55 KOTV 05:20 Countdown 06:05 Close

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.55 Celebrity Wrestling 11.05 Survival Special An evening with Doyle. 12.10 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 Creature Comforts 13.55 Creature Comforts 14.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 15.05 World Rally Championship 16.05 British Touring Cars Championship 17.05 Urdd Eisteddfod 17.55 Going to Seed 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 The Last Detective Towpath of Glory 22.30 ITV News 22.35 Celebrity Love Island TV Katie says she has become addicted to this. Abi Tits-and-arse revealed herself ‘accidentally’ last week and I’m in no way suggesting that was a method of raising ratings.

Shit show. Nice tits though.

23.05 The Real Mary Poppins: A South Bank Show Special So they’ve found a woman who can float around on an umbrella, can look after children and has a ridiculous Tardis-esque bag. I don’t fucking think so. If she is real I propose we sell her to a medical research lab and cut her up to find out what’s wrong with her. Well, we do it with mice. 0.05 It's My Life 0.50 Essentials of Faith 01.15 IRB Rugby Sevens 02.10 Motorsport UK 02.45 Trisha 03.45 Loose Women 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News which I’m never going to watch.

Mad Cows S4C 3.25am

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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Gardeners' World 12:30 Sunday Grandstand 12:35 Italian Motorcycle Grand Prix 14:00 Golf: British Amateur Championship 15:00 Athletics: Norwich Union International Match 17:30 Racing from Chantilly 17:40 French Open Tennis 18:40 Match of the Day Live: Women's Euro 2005: England v Finland Now I’m not being funny, I’ve watched Women’s football and to be fair, they’re pretty fucking good (they could kick my ass at Wembley singles) but what is the deal with the goalkeepers?

They’re all elbows and can’t seem to catch anything.

Come on, sort it out.

21:00 Horizon 21:50 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20 How to find the clitoris, what constitutes a good song, how cool hats look when you have long hair, how to turn on a man, understanding the concept of skatting (thanks Will), quantum field theory, intimate details of a(ny) woman, I am 20 you penis, the German national anthem, the difference between a bic razor and a garden scythe, how to fend off pests, Elgan, the way to San Jose, Japanese.

22:00 Mock the Week 22:30 Storyville: McLibel 23:55 FILM: A Love Divided (1999) 01:35am: Close 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Workskills in the Media: The Complete Guide 03:00 Careers 04:00 Advertising 05:00 Theatre and Television

Cocoon: The Return C4 11.10pm

6:00 Big Brother Live 15:00 Sin City: T4 Movie Special 15:30 California Dreaming I was in some generic clothes shop last week and I heard what can only describe as the rape of California Dreaming. Some piss poor DJ had decided it would be fun to beat box behind the song and repeat some of the lyrics.

Whoever he is, he should be shot. If you can provide us with any information, we’ll gladly pass it on to Bastion who can send the record and the DJ, to Davy Jones’ Locker. 16:00 Faking It USA 17:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:00 The O.C. So as revealed here last week, Caleb is going to die soon just after he and Julie get a divorce. Trey is going to leave next episode because people generally don’t like him. That’s the extent of my knowledge at the moment but expect more spoilers next week. Yay. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 0:00 Big Brother Live

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.45 Franny's Feet No relation to Fanny Street at all even if they do sound fairly similar. It would be good if Franny’s feet was filmed in Fanny Street.

Then Cardiff would be famous for something. 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day: Images of Heaven and Hell 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: Apache Drums (1951) 14.35 Film: Six Black Horses (1962) 16.05 Film: The Year of Living Dangerously (1983) Oh yes, the year I was born. Criminals roamed the streets and the sky turned a blood red. It seemed that a signal was being sent to the people of the world. Then a red headed demon was born.

Me. Scary.

18.05 five news 18.20 Film: That Darn Cat (1997) that wanders Richards Street with half a tail and a hiss that sounds like he’s smoking forty a day. That’s one for vets in practice, if they ever graduate.

20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: Striking Distance (1993) 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Wildboyz 0.25 ITU Triathlon 01.05 US Major League Baseball Live 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Five Football Replay Droitwich Spa v Malvern Town FC.

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6:00 Breakfast 9:00 News 24 Sunday 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Call My Bluff 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 Animal Park 13:00 BBC News 13:05 Bargain Hunt 13:35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 14:20 EastEnders 16:15 Holiday 10 Best 16:55 Points of View 17:10 Songs of Praise 17:45 Last of the Summer Wine 18:15 Star Portraits with Rolf Harris As Rolf is painted, the comedic artist deciides to try some Rolf magic of his own by constantly stopping to ask, ‘can you guess what it is yet?’ Cunt 18:45 20th Century Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 55 Degrees North 21:00 A Picture of Britain 22:00 BBC News; Weather Since my change of image in the office this week (that is, a new hat to hide my enormous hair), everyone is either stealing the said hat or claiming that I’ve turned all emo.

That was just about the time I curled up in the corner with some headphones and listened to a Dashboard Confessional album whilst my heart bled on my sleeve. Woe is me.

22:15 FILM: The Mothman Prophecies (2002) I’m divided over this film. There is a scary part and I like the fact it’s based on a true story but then it’s got that twat in it.

And that makes it slightly crap. Ramble, ramble, ramble.

0:05 The Sky at Night Yup, still black and vast. Same as ever.

0:30 Joins BBC News 24

Mock The Week BBC2 10pm

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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 British GT Championship 7:30 World Superbikes 2005 8:00 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 hit40uk 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 The Guardian Hay Festival: Jung Chang Turns On Mao 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Star Trek: Enterprise 13:45 Star Trek: Enterprise 14:30 Big Brother’s Little Brother 15:30 The Michelangelo Code: Secrets Of The Sistine Chapel 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn Awkward Welsh language which I can’t spell. 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Y Goron 22:05 Newyddion 22:20 Tipyn O Stad 22:50 Big Brother 23:50 Abba: Behind The Blonde 0:55 Today At The Test: 2nd Test: England v Bangladesh 01:25 Big Brother Live 02:30 South American Football Championship 2005 03:25 FILM: Mad Cows (1999) 05:00 Close

Five Minute Fun

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*The management reserves the right to refuse entry*

3. Speaking of Bob Marley (who may or may not be the answer), who do silly conspiracy theorists think killed him?

A: B: C: D:

1. Who did Dean Holdswor th have an affair with in 1996?

A: B: C: D:

Linsey Dawn McKenzie Kirsty Wark John McEnroe Aretha Franklin

2. Recent RAC research found what song is most likely to put a smile on the face of drivers?

A: Caravan - Van Morrison

The C.I.A The Black Panthers Jimmy CLiff Michael Por tillo

4. Green & Black’s (‘the fair trade chocolate that isn’t gritty’) was recently sold to who?

A. B. C. D.

Small short story: The Gay Bar

I don’t want to go to the Gay Bar, everyone else does.

They won’t listen to my argument, which is (roughly) “Look, I imagine it’s hard enough being gay, at least when you’re in a gay bar you don’t have to work out the sexuality of whoever it is you’re trying to pull. If we go, we bring with us heterosexuality and poison said scenario”.

Malcolm Glazer Nestle Cadbur y’s Tesco

My friends being a heady mix of pissed and foolish are having none of it, calling me ‘homophobic' and saying things like ’worried you might find out something about yourself?’. I sense I’m fighting a losing battle (and to be fair those not so straight amongst the group are asking for a bit of give and take), so I concede.

The club’s like most other clubs, garish with shit music; everyone’s having a whale of a time.

answers: 1.A, 2.C, 3.A, 4.C

?

The Big Quiz*

B: Boss Hog - The Sonics C: Three Little Birds (Don’t Worr y ‘Bout a Thing) Bob Marley D: Mr Tambourine Man - The Byrds

I’m at the Bar, there’s an aged man beside me. He catches my eye and says “can I pay you a compliment?” I say “yes you can” He puts his arm around me and says “you have very nice skin” I say “thanks for the compliment, but I should tell you I’m straight” He takes his arm away and shouts “then what the fuck are you doing here?!” I have no reply.

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

In the Review section of Friday’s Guardian, Ricky Wilson from Kaiser Chiefs - when telling us his favourite summer song - says that in 1996 he was too young to go to Glastonbury.

In the Guide section of Saturday’s Guardian (I think it’s significant that it’s the same paper) he’s said to be 27. In 1996 he’d have been 18 - 2 things: either his parents were being ridiculous or he’s lying.

Colm

tie breaker . . .

This is a celebrity’s eye, who? And do you think that the eyes are the window to the soul?

The Common Thread . . .

This week: Footballers, look there’s some. What do these 6 have in common? Bonus if you know why one’s slightly different.

Name: ____________________________________________ Email: ____________________________________________ Let’s hope not: ____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: They are all former or current Northern Ireland internationals. They are left to right, top to bottom, Roy Carroll, George Best, Keith Gillespie, Tommy Doherty, Martin O’Neil and Tony Capaldi. Martin O’Neil is slightly different because he played in a World Cup. It’s often lamented as a footballing tragedy that George Best never played on that stage, still at least he’s got his health.

Summer Ball

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As Cardiff hots up for the Sum

IS THIS THE W

How to prepare for the ball: student style Monday June 6 Isn't it about time you thought about getting your ball dress or suit sorted? Seriously, if they've run out of your size you are going to look very silly indeed. To get you in the mood for partying Teen Spirit - a Nirvana tribute band - will be playing at Fun Factory so you can mosh and headbang to your heart’s content.

Tuesday June 7 Pester your stingy friends into going and getting a ticket.

Remind them that you will probably never see each other again. Emotional blackmail usually does the trick.

Wednesday June 8 Beach Party in the last Rubber Duck of the year. Girls and boys can check each other out modelling their skimpiest and most revealing beach wear. Quality! David Hasselhoff is rumoured to be making an appearance as his Baywatch character Mitch Buchanon.

Thursday June 9 1pm. Wake up with the obligatory Rubber Duck hangover and a need to ease yourself into the day But don't worry Neighbours starts at 1:45pm and this gives you time to remind yourself why Izzy is a bitch and Karl Kennedy is The Best Thing. Ever.

Friday June 10 With only two shopping days left to the Ball women are likely to go into a shopping and preening overdrive while males make themselves scarce playing on Championship Manager, or better still heading down the Taf for a cheeky cheap pint or five. You can get a day of hardcore quality drinking in away from the prying eyes of your frenzied girlfriends.

Saturday June 11 6pm. Realise that a bow tie or cufflinks haven't been included with your suit and proceed to blame everybody else except yourself. Why should you have checked your suit? They are supposed to do that in the bloody shop! Oh how you wish you had accepted your girlfriend’s suggestion of a dress rehearsal.

7pm. Drinks in the ball tent - the most civilised part of the evening. Live entertainment begins, featuring sets from Estelle, (Big) Tony Christie, 911 and The Honeyz.

12am - DJ Spoony begins his DJ set and spoon bending party tricks.

2am. If you are still standing, congratulations. Return home with that boy or girl on your arm with your head held high. Or, if you haven't pulled, a kebab. No money? Loser.

Do we have to wear black tie?

on site?

Celebrate!

As with any ball, this is a black tie event, so bow ties are the order of the day. Moss Bros have agreed an amazing deal for the ball this year complete dinner suit hire for £30!

Get yourself down to their store on the Hayes and book now.

You won't be able to get cash so make sure you bring enough with you. Cigarettes will be on sale.

For pre ball drinks or end of exams relief, visit Threshers in the Students Union.

Champagnes: Veuve Cliquot Ponsardin 75cl £22.99 usual price £32.99 Moet & Chandon 75cl £19.99 usual price £27.99 Moet & Chandon 37.5cl £11.99 usual price £14.99 Lanson Black Label 75cl £18.99 usual price £25.99 Jean De Praisac Brut 75cl £13.99 usual price £19.99 Jean De Praisac Brut 37.5cl £7.99 usual price £11.99 Cava: Radcliffes Cava Med or Brut 75cl £5.49 usual price £7.49 Freixenet Brut or Rose 20cl £2.19 usual price £2.99. Offers valid Monday 6th June until Saturday 11th June only at Threshers in your Student Union.

What time should I get there?

The event opens at 7pm, and if you want to be at the front we recommend you get there early! Due to a packed line-up the entertainments will be starting early so make sure you get to Cooper's Field early enough.

What will the flooring be like?

Will I have to walk on grass?

The first marquee you'll come to is the Ballroom, which will have a hard floor. The rest of the site will be grass but all walkways will be covered for shelter.

What will security be like?

What if I lose something at the Ball?

All lost property will be handed to the Ball staff at the front entrance.

Any items not collected on the night will be brought back to the Union and will be held by Security at the second floor reception.

Will there be food?

As usual we have organised for there to be a selection of food suppliers at the Ball, from burgers to jacket potatoes, so you won't go hungry.

Can I still get a ticket?

Yes, tickets will be on sale up to the day of the ball (from the Union box office, MedClub, or from our ticket sales website www.sutickets.com).

Security will be visible around the site and will be happy to help should you encounter a problem.

Can I get money or cigarettes

Let these people

entertain you...

!Tony Christie Apparently Amarillo was chosen as a place for sweet Maria to live because it rhymed with pillow. She was actually from the picturesque and beautiful Birmingham. Other hits by Big Tone include Avenues and Alleyways and Walk Like a Panther, which was inspired by his time living with Aborigines in deepest Australia.

Tony Christie's real name is Anthony Fitzgerald but changed it after being visited by a ghost answering to the name Jeesues. This man is an absolute legend.

911

"

More Than A Woman and Bodyshakin’ remain modern day classics. These mid-90s popsters have recently been seen on Hit Me Baby One More Time, reminding us why we loved them all those years ago.

Famed for retreating to a snow hole in Iceland to gain inspiration for their songs, 911 will be performing all the hits plus new material from their new album - Love thy Brother.

Summer Ball

May 30 2005

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gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

mer ball we give you the lowdown on this year’s event

!

AY TO COOPER’S FIELD?

Estelle is part of the next generation of UK Urban artists to emerge in the early years of the twentieth century. Estelle's career took off in the summer of 2004 with the hit single and autobiographical "1980."

The song covered the singer's life in 4 minutes, starting with the moment her mother briefly died during the birth process. Estelle's debut album The 18th day, released later that year, was a highly impressive fusion of hip hop and soul that firmly established the artist as a genuine star of the UK urban scene.

HAVING A BALL: Last year’s event in Cooper’s Field, with Peter Andre headlining

The Honeyz !

The trio of Heavenli Abdi, Naima Belkhiati and Celena Cherry formed in 1997 and were soon snapped up by the influential First Avenue management team. In 1998 they released their one and only album Wonder No 8.

This slick sounding album produced four top ten hits including Finally Found and End of the Line.

By the start of 1999, Abdi had left to spend more time with her boyfriend, the ex-actor turned pop singer Matthew Marsden. She was replaced

Estelle

by Mariama Goodmanex-Solid Harmonie).

The new line-up enjoyed further UK hits with Love Of A Lifetime (number 9) and Never Let You Down (number 7). Mercury also released a new version of Wonder No. 8.

But by this time their flame was beginning to fade and soon after the band decided to take a long term break. They recently featured on the ITV programme Hit Me Baby One More Time.

DJ Spoony !

DJ Spoony's name originated because as a young child he had a strange fixation with Uri Geller the strange spoon bender. Spoony spent hours intensely staring at metal spoons that surprisingly repeatedly failed to bend. Disillusioned with the spoon bending industry, he turned to DJing with massive success and now hosts his own show on Radio 1 and was recently given the dubious honour of providing the music at David Beckham's lavish 30th birthday party.

Recommended

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S G N I T LIS

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listings@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd’s very nearly reliable Cardiff If it’s on it could be in. But maybe

Corner Pocket Soul @Riverbank Hotel Sat 4th June 8-12pm / £2

Sefton Recommends

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Audioslave

he current BBC documentary series, Soul Deep - a history of soul music which focuses on some of its major figures (Marvin Gaye, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, etc) - is set to ignite a resurgence of interest in the music.

And right on cue, Corner Pocket Soul, a crew of Cardiff soul DJs now well established and respected in the city, set up shop in the basement bar of the little known Riverbank Hotel for an all out, no holds barred, funky get-down.

The Riverbank Hotel (on Despenser Street opposite the Millennium Stadium on the other side of the river) is far enough away from Roath and Cathays to feel you have well and truly left Studentville and far enough away from the stumbling, vomiting bastards on St. Mary Street for that to seem like a good idea.

If there was ever music designed to get the body moving and the

heart pounding it is the music offered up by Corner Pocket Soul: 60s soul, northern soul, funk and rare groove.

This is music where the cheer and abandon of Saturday night gets up close and personal with the deep-hearted spirit of Sunday morning – both figuratively and, on this occasion, literally.

In Soul On Ice, the Black Panther’s Minster of Information, Eldridge Cleaver, likened America’s black-white relations to a runaway motor saved from destruction through the power of black music, here played by an unsettling ghoul.

"It was as if a driverless vehicle were speeding through the American night down an unlit street toward a stone wall and was boarded on the fly by a stealthy ghost with a drooling leer on his face, who, at the last detour before chaos and disaster, careened the vehicle down a smooth highway that leads to the future and life…

The lascivious ghost was the Saturday-night crotchfunk of the Twist."

The sounds you’ll be hearing at the Riverbank Hotel are the same world-changing sounds that Cleaver was copping way back in the 60s and early 70s.

Expect to hear dynamite tracks you won’t ever have heard before but that you won’t soon forgot.

Pick out your finest dancing shoes, limber up, and get ready to do the crotchfunk.

@Cardiff International Arena Sat 4th June 6.30pm / £25

Pick of the Week Schmit Recommends

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his week sees the Audioslave boys make a thoughtful stop-off in our nation’s capital, just for us Welsh lads and lasses (you are by residence, if not birth, before you start moaning).

They bring with them the chance for us to nestle our drooling mouths

into the big, fat, slice of pie that is the remnants of two legendary bands of the 90s; Rage Against the Machine and Soundgarden.

The band has had its critics since their eponymous 2002 debut album but there is no denying the talent concealed within this band. Three parts Rage, one part Sound is a pretty darn good formula for any group.

The Audioslave tour coincides with a second studio album, Out of Exile, and while it would be all too easy to use that title in some way to try and make a pun regarding the band’s lengthy absence, I’ll refrain.

Their new album is nothing spectacularly dissimilar to their previous one, with the token awe-inspiring Rage Against the Machine-esque riffs, blended with melodic, delicate-

COMING UP

ly pristine guitars, and Chris Cornell’s characteristically chilled out, soulful vocals.

But hey, it worked on their first album, so if you enjoyed it that give this new one a good listening to as well because its potential lack of originality doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it now, does it.

When they first formed they were thought of by many as a super-group who would only produce the one album, so maybe the fact that they have gone and given us another one suggests we would all be silly-billies to miss out on this opportunity to see them. It may be your last chance.

So why not in this dull and tiresome period of exams, forget about revision, pick up a ticket and for one night only, be a slave to the audio.

Third Day - Tues 7 June @ Solus, SU / £10 ... Elton John - Tues 14 June @CIA ... Jimmy Eat World - Thurs 16th June @Solus, SU / £10 ... Suzanne Vega - Wed 29 June @St. David’s Hall / £17.50 ... Clare Teal and Kyle Eastwood - Fri 1 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50 ... Iain Ballamy and Stian Carstensen / Farmers Market - Sat 2 July @St. David’s Hall / £10 Radio Tarifa - Sat 2 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50 ... Kings of Leon - Sat 2 July @CIA ... Amy Winehouse - Sun 3 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50... REM / The Zutons - Sun 10 July @Millennium Stadium ... Keith Barret Show Live - Sun 17 July @CIA

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listings@gairrhydd.com

listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit. not. We’ve had better things to do...

Monday30/05

Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am.

Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise.

On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably.

Pick Of The Day Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends with nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional free chocolate! A fine, relatively new venture at Moloko which provides the ideal early week chillout atmosphere with consistantly credible DJing turns from Phoenix and co. Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free.

Tuesday31/05

Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50.

Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing.

7pm-2am. Free.

Open Mic @The Toucan ...again.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly Young Heart Attack / Panel / The Revolutions. From the Flying-V's to the unironic mullets, Young Heart Attack have clearly grasped the postmodern notion that the medium is the message, their blood 'n' fire Texan image being the exact visual equivalent to their music. From the AC/DC dynamics of songs such as 'Mouth Full of Love', to the boy-girl vocal horsetrading of 'Tommy Shots', there's no pause for breath or mercy. Forthcoming single 'Over And Over', a viciously barbed reworking of the MC5 classic, closes the deal.7.30pm. £7.

Wednesday01/06

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU There’s a duck. It’s rubber. Need I say more?

10pm. £3.

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Soak up the atmosphere or play an impromptu set. Bring the kazoo. 12noon-2.30pm.

Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors.

Witness the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS. No Disco @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2.

Hang the DJ @The Model Inn And torture the MC. 8pm. Free.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night.

8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Desensitized / Four Ways To Fall / The Story So Far. 7pm. £4

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Live @Barfly Neil’s Children / Ironfly. Sorry, no extra info available so maybe go on the strength of the band’s names alone. Neil’s Children sounds about as dull as a statitician’s funeral but I’d like to think that Ironfly are a radical collision of Ironside and Superfly. Perhaps they have appropriated the gruff determination and probing insights of the wheelchair-bound detective and the no-nonsense street-savvy and leather coat of the badass blaxploitation muthas. 7.30pm. £6 adv.

Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2 / £1 if you perform.

Arsenic and Old Lace @New Theatre Starring Angela Thorne and Brigit Forsyth.

In a quaint Victorian Brooklyn house two kindly sisters have been perfecting their elderberry wine. Little do their ‘gentlemen callers’ suspect that they will soon be heading to more exotic climes courtesy of a nephew who thinks himself the President!

Add one plastic surgeon, a glamorous minister’s daughter, a policeman who wants to be a playwright and a Boris Karloff lookalike and bring to the boil. Voila - an entertaining and madcap evening in the company of Brooklyn’s most unusual residents – The Brewsters. 7pm. £5 NUS.

Lunchtime Concert @St. David’s Hall Texaco Young Musician of Wales 2003 Competition Finalists. 1pm. £5.

Chris Hodgkins Trio @Cafe Jazz Solid trumpet led band. 8.45pm. £5 / £3 NUS. Pedalmania @Riverbank Hotel Hammond organ groovers. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

Friday03/06

Saturday04/06

Sunday05/06

Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free.

Fat Friday @Solus, SU A revamped Lashtastic. Some kind of Latin / funk business in the Junction bar and so called Urban Groove in the Xpress Lounge at the back. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv.

The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50.

Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Pick Of The Day Full Fat / XFM: The Remix Night @Moloko Live shenanigans from Culprit One.DJ sets from TheMartiniHenryDisco, Moneyshot, Eddy Temple-Morris. 9pm.

Free entry before 11pm / £3.

Live @Barfly The International Karate Plus. A 3-piece based in Cardiff, and although their most obvious musical reference points can be traced back to City Slang artists such as Pavement and Superchunk, there's also some Mercury Rev, Pixies, Urusei Yatsura and an irresistable charm prevalent throughout their songs.

That’ll Be The Day @St. David’s Hall A musical tour through the 50s, 60s and 70s.

A middle of the road trudge though musical legend. Probably for parents in a mid-life crisis, desperately indulging their morbid penchant for nostalgia. 7.30pm. £13.50.

Blues Central @Cafe Jazz Salty blues of some sort presented by Blues Dragon Club. 10pm. £3.

Heavy Quartet @Riverbank Hotel And heavy danceable jazz. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

Come Play @Solus, SU The last of the year. Party tunes in the main room. Soul, funk, Latin and the odd musical curio from everyone’s favourite amatuer DJ in the Xpress Lounge with a wee bit of one-off live tomfoolery squeezed in to boot. 10pm-2am. £3.50 adv.

Fly Swatter @Barfly Ben and Rich have a change of name but not a change of heart. 40 years of classic and current indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm.

Mind Your Head @Toucan Downstairs at the Toucan: Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after.

Mothership Convention @Toucan Upstairs at the Toucan: Cardiff's longest standing 'Live' funk night hosted by Funki Dregz and the Intergalactic Funk Federation. Live bands from across the galaxy along with the best local rare groove and nu-beat DJ. 10pm - 2am.

Free entry before 10pm.

Live @Barfly Arctic Monkeys. They are already earning themselves a reputation as one of the most fiercely brilliant live bands around.

Live @Norwegian Church (Cardiff Bay) The Afternoons / Richard James / Room Orchestra. The Afternoons are a Six-piece Welsh indie pop band. Contact venue for further details on 029 2045 4899.

Pick Of The Day 1 Audioslave @C.I.A See facing page for further details.

Pick Of The Day 2 Corner Pocket Soul @Riverbank Hotel See facing page for further details.

Pick Of The Day Sue McCreeth @St. David’s Hall With John Horler (piano), Andy Clynedert (bass), Mark Fletcher (drums). An unconventional yet accessible singer appearing with highly respected UK players, performing originals and jazz standards. 8pm. £8 NUS.

Live @Solus, SU Fightstar / Armor For Sleep / Laruso.

Fightstar features the one from Busted who provides us with probably the only example of why, in some cases, men do in fact need to pluck their eyebrows. If you used to like Busted then you probably won’t like this band, and if you didn’t like Busted not only would I like to shake your hand but there’s a strong chance that you won’t have a barrel of laughs at this bag-of-shite either. Likely to be full of teenage pre-pubescent Busted fans and perhaps the odd loitering paedo here and there (though I make no guarantees). 7pm. £10.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions. 7.30pm. £3 per team.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am.

Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly 4ft Fingers / Source 5 / Blacklisted 101.

Four-piece skate punk rock band from Cheltenham who toured in support of Spunge and UK Subs, and are “now making the headlines themselves”. Probably for being drunken tits like the rest of us but I couldn’t say for sure. 7pm. £6.

Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions at which anyone can get up and jam or just take it easy and listen in.

They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. A dynamic duo in the classic mould of Cannon and Ball but with far less offensive faces and, we trust, at least a smidgen of musical acumen. 8pm12.30am. £1 after 9pm.

Loitering @Outside MackyDs Pine for the old days - partake in this classic British pastime. All the cool kids are doing it.

ThursdaY02/06

Roni Size @SU Bristol based drum'n'bass pioneer true to his underground roots even when in the media spotlight. He performs live DJ sets with the Reprezent Collective. Highly recommended Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

Metal @Metros Er... metal. Iron, lead, you name it. 9pm-2am.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop / breaks / drum ‘n’ bass night. Live VJ and DJ action from Paul B, Parker, Haze + Focus. 8pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £2 after.

Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets.

8pm-1am. £3/£2.

Miss Of The Day Live @St. David’s Hall G4. This pile of horseshit have bloody SOLD OUT the venue, so I’d imagine the crowd will mainly consist of family members, who have to support them because they’re related. If you like seeing good songs getting butchered like a chicken destined for Nuggetsville then... Ah, I’m guessing you probably won’t have read this far given the part where I mentioned it was sold out. You’re now moaning to your mates about how you wished you’d got your act together and picked up tickets earlier. 7pm.

Richie Howard @Cafe Jazz Young clarinetist with a bright future ahead.

8.45pm. £5 / £4 NUS. Live @The Barfly Raging Speedhorn / Johnny Truant / Shaped

By Fate. A rising cacophony of sound that releases itself in a relentless assault on the senses, with guitars that have been trained by unemployed ninja to hit the jugular with deadly precision. 7pm.

VENUES

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 www.cardiffstudents.com Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 www.clwb.net The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 www.toucanclub.co.uk Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 www.barflyclub.com/cardiff Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 www.clubmetropolitan.com Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 www.cafejazzcardiff.com The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street www.riverbankjazz.co.uk St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 www.chapter.org Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 www.wmc.org.uk The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 www.newtheatrecardiff.co.uk The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 www.shermantheatre.co.uk The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 www.glee.co.uk Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it. www.millenniumstadium.com

Sport

May 30 2005

Page 39

sport@gairrhydd.com

Waterpolo team raise charity cash

No way back

By Miriam Ridha Waterpolo Correspondent CARDIFF University’s women’s waterpolo team joined 4000 women from Cardiff on Sunday May 8 in the five-kilometre Race for Life sponsored run.

The squad, who have recently been crowned champions of the Bristol and South West league, took to the course dressed in swimming costumes and waterpolo hats. Laura Roberts even managed to complete the race in a pair of flippers.

Thanks to the generousity of family and friends, plus valuable contributions from the men’s waterpolo team, the team have so far managed to accumulate a total of over £1500.

Laura Bale was able to raise £130 alone, and the whole team were personally thanked by the mother of a surviving cancer victim.

Those wishing to sponsor the team can still do so. Donations can be made at www.raceforlifesponsorme.org

FLIPPING BRILLIANT: Laura Roberts in action

Last-day defeat leaves cricket 1s off the pace Story continued from Back Page Chris Allen and Ali Garnsworthy then battled well against some disciplined Southampton bowling. The score moved on to 30-1 before Garnsworthy fell. To the crease strode Simon CaneHardy. The languid left-hander was making his final appearance for Cardiff after three exceptional seasons.

Although he played and missed occasionally early in his innings, CaneHardy soon established himself with some typically elegant strokeplay.

With a weakened batting line-up on a pitch offering a good deal of lateral movement, Cardiff needed to occupy the crease and bat around their talented number four. This they failed to do.

Chris Allen batted well for his 25, driving confidently on a difficult strip, but was soon bowled by off-spinner and former Cardiff student Oliver Fool.

Warren Stafford, who competed well in a disappointing Cardiff batting performance in the previous game against Bristol, failed to make an impression this time. He was dismissed LBW playing across the line, bringing captain

James Woodroof to the crease.

Woodroof, next year’s captain, took charge in place of absent skipper Lloyd Ebdon, and can consider himself the victim of some feckless umpiring, having been given out LBW despite offering a sizeable stride down the wicket.

Number seven Ed Jones signaled the last of the batting and he too failed to contribute, dragging an innocuous delivery onto his own stumps.

When Cane-Hardy was bowled on 41, Cardiff were all out for 94. A miraculous bowling display and some horrific batting were required. Neither looked likely when Southampton opener John Gates crashed Warren Stafford over his head for a one-bounce four in the second over of the innings.

Stafford, Woodroof and Duncan Bell toiled away but for no reward. While his opening partner was struggling to make any real contact with the ball, Gates made the pitch look like the decent batting track that it probably was with more powerful strokes down the ground.

When he did misstime, the ball fell harmlessly into the gaps in Cardiff’s tenman field.

With the score at 92-0, it was left to Ed Jones to grab some consolatory personal glory. Gates, 68 not out, set off for a single having dropped the ball short in front of the strong-armed Jones at square-leg. Jones, swooping, picked the ball up cleanly and struck the stumps at the bowler’s end with an impressive direct hit. Paul then dived brilliantly in an attempt to catch the new batsman off the bowling of Woodroof. Despite his best efforts, the catch went down, and Southampton soon left the field victorious on 95-1.

Cardiff’s first XI cricket team can be proud of the fact that they are among a handful of the University’s clubs competing in the highest achievable league, and might have sealed the title, had it not been for the examinduced plague of unavailability that strikes each May.

Varsity 2005: The Swansea view We take a look at how Swansea’s Waterfront newspaper reported on Varsity

By Thom Airs Sports Editor WITH THE VARSITY trophy once again residing at the eastern end of the M4, it was with great interest that we thumbed through Swansea University’s postVarsity sports coverage.

Beaming from under the woefully unimaginative ‘WE WON’ headline, Swansea’s captain is pictured in a triumphant victory pose, as sports writer Matt Cannon delivers his analysis.

Cannon dishes out a chronological match report that is merciful-

ly gloat-free. In fact, it’s free of almost any opinion, recalling the match in a cold, grey detail befitting the matchday weather.

However, when our Swansea counterpart raises the tempo, his beating heart rules his head as he mistakenly declares that Swansea will be at home next year: “So well done lads for a victory well earned, and lets (sic) see what damage we can do next year when we have the home advantage!”

Away from the surprisingly munificent scribblings of the Varsity report, another say-whatyou-see headline ushers in the

Varsity shield. “Cardiff win Shield” it says, and how. Comfort, according to the sports hacks at Waterfont, can be taken from “an easy victory in the men’s badminton, with the men’s football playing out a 1-1 draw in their match.” Had any Swansea fans been under the illusion that the shield beating had been a mild one, they only had to glance to the left of the round-up article to see a full run-down of the scores: 6614 in the netball, 69-0 in the women’s rugby, 9-1 in the men’s hockey. Lucky, then, that solace can be found in football draws.

WINNING TEAM: Headline says it all

AU VICE’S COLUMN IT'S BEEN HECTIC, but BUSA is done and dusted for another year, and with six of our results still outstanding, hope remains that we can push up towards last year’s placing of 13 in the university standings.

It's been a season in which many of our clubs tasted resounding success but also a season in which some clubs fell agonisingly short of truimph. Six clubs claimed titles in their respective BUSA divisions with men's hockey going onto claim the BUSA shield in Edinburgh earlier this year, helping them claim the 'Team of the Year' title at the annual Athletic Union awards ball.

Again, the Varsity match provided us with mixed emotions.

Despite convincingly retaining the Varsity shield (before it was 'misplaced', anyway) we narrowly failed to win the main event when our rugby first XV went down 16-8 to Swansea.

Nationally, however, we again enjoyed resounding success with five of our clubs winning Welsh Cup titles.

Sincere thanks go out to all our clubs, the majority of whom’s efforts over the season have been outstanding.

My only hope for next season is that the University takes notice of problems cer tain clubs have had to deal with regarding facilities this year, as well as taking responsibility and finally addressing the sporting structure in regards to the merger.

It's possibly time for the University hierarchy to question if they are sufficiently funding both the Athletic Union and its clubs, and whether or not they really want Cardiff to become a prominent sporting university.

Spor t gair rhydd

Inside: How Swansea saw this year’s Varsity

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell and Ed Jones

OVER AND

By Ed Jones Cricket Correspondent A CARDIFF SIDE missing several players was crushed by Southampton in a totally one-sided affair. A victory would have put Cardiff in the frame for the league title but a nine-wicket mauling on the south coast vanquished any lingering hopes.

Cardiff made the worst possible start, losing opener Steve Paul first ball of the game. Having only mustered 10 players to make the seven-hour round trip the day before the exams began, Cardiff were thus effectively 0 - 2 after a single delivery.

Story continued on Page 39

OUT

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