gair rhydd - Issue 779

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

SAFE AS HOUSES

ISSUE 779. February 7 2005

FREE

NUS/DAILY MIRROR NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2003/04

FREE INSIDE

gair rhydd goes undercover to investigate letting agencies PLUS: Our guide on how to rent

QUENCH MAGAZINE: with exclusive Stereophonics and Kasabian, Bastian Springs’ new column, celebrity stakling and a four page Cult Classics special

THE IRAQI CONNECTION NEWS P4

DOWOUD: As Iraqi National Security Minsiter

By Paul Dicken News Editor TOP IRAQI politician, Qassim Dawoud, has been accused of being a violent Saddam loyalist by an ex-postgraduate student who studied at Cardiff University with him.

Jamal Hafid, an Iraqi citizen, studied Civil Engineering at Cardiff during the early 1980s and was a vocal critic of Saddam Hussein’s Ba’ath party.

During this time he was attacked by Iraqis loyal to Hussein and eventually was forced to flee to London where he still lives.

Jamal told gair rhydd how Dawoud, the Minister of State for National Security in the Iraqi Interim Government, was a prominent supporter of the country’s ex-dictator.

During the 1980s, Qassim Dawoud was a prominent member of the National Union of Iraqi Students (NUIS) who were backed by Saddam’s government.

Old editions of gair rhydd report on running battles in the streets of Cardiff between the NUIS and Iraqis opposed to Saddam.

FREE INSIDE

EXCLUSIVE ■ Iraqi minister was Saddam’s thug at Cardiff in 1980s ■ He assaulted me and threatened my family, claims exCardiff postgrad

Jamal claims he was attacked by members of the NUIS including Qassim Dawoud in 1982.

“I left the Students’ Union building and when I reached the wide stairs I noticed four of the most vicious NUIS members waiting for me,” he recalls.

Jamal alleges that he tried to turn back into the building but was jumped by three more men, one of which he believes was Dawoud.

The seven-man attack continued until two Iranian students arrived and shouted for help.

“Before they ran away they screamed in my face ‘next time we will finish you off.’ I was taken to Cardiff Infirmary with broken ribs and a swollen head,” claims Jamal.

In addition, Dawoud was quoted in a 1980 edition of the gair rhydd expressing clear support for the ‘Government of AlBa’ath.’

Jamal’s family were also threatened by the current-Iraqi minister and considered the threats so serious that they fled from Basra to Baghdad.

In 1984, after a threatening phone conversation with the

JAMAL: Forced to flee Cardiff Iraqi Embassy in London, Jamal’s government scholarship was stopped when he was one year from finishing his PhD. He believes his refusal to support Saddam Hussein was behind his support being terminated.

Dawoud has risen to prominence in Iraq since the invasion, reaching the position of National Security Minister. He is widely regarded as a ‘strongman’ by the Americans.

Ann Clwyd, Labour MP for Cynon Valley in Wales, was among those that provided support to Iraqis persecuted by their own government in the 80s.

Speaking exclusively to gair rhydd from Basra, where she has been observing the recent elections, Clwyd remembers clearly when Jamal’s son was nearly kidnapped in Cardiff by Ba’athists.

Jamal was one of the 265,148 Iraqi’s who voted in the elections and hopes they will give Iraq the chance to become a fair, democratic state.

However, Jamal warns that to place a man like Dawoud “in the decision making process is dangerous.”

Full Story On Page 9

News

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a glance February 7 2005 News Opinion Politics Taf-Od Health Science Jobs and Money Media Competitions Letters Five Minute Fun Problem Page Television Listings Sport

1 13 15 16 18 19 21 23 25 26 27 28 31 40 43

EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Bethany Whiteside, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmit TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson PROOF READERS

Alys Southwood, Katherine Mallam, Ailsa Chalk, Carly Sharples, Hannah Perry

CONTRIBUTORS

Alexandra Fry, Chris Warlow, Charlotte Harries, Dan Ridler, Molly Forbes, James Perou, Charlotte Styles, Kirsty McCaig, Cara Lee, Nicola Menage, George Mavrakis, Will Dean, James Emtage, Emma Stanford, Daniel Stanton, Andrew Mickel, Andrew Rennison, Amanda Hill, Hayley Skinner, David Ford, Bethan Samuel, Sally Thomas, Ewen Hosle, Gareth Evans, Chris Allen, Fraser Watson, EdJones, Jenny Green, Tim Lewis, Alex Cinus, Olivia Waters, Nick Parnell, Sarah Bellingham, Philly Cox, Will Carson, Hugh Gripper, Jo Roberts

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Accident or suicide bid?

Student in intensive care after fall

By Bethany Whiteside and Alys Southwood Reporters A student was rushed to hospital in the early hours of last Thursday morning after falling from an upper level of the Students’ Union.

The second year was discovered at the back of the building although the cause of the incident is unclear.

Cardiff Students’ Union confirmed on Thursday afternoon that the male student involved fell onto Senghennydd Road and may have been in the Union building prior to the fall.

A police spokesman said: "At approximately 2:35 am on 3 February a man suffered facial injuries after falling from an upper floor in Cardiff. He remains in the University Hospital Wales and his injuries are not lifethreatening."

He added: "The incident is not being treated as suspicious." However, at the time of going to press, the investigation remains on-going.

The Students’ Union would like to remind students that the Student Advice Centre (02920 781508) and the Student Counselling Service (02920 784966) are always available to offer students support on any matter that may concern them.

Alternatively, Nightline, Cardiff ’s student support service can be reached on 02920223993.

28 GAYS LATER

By Alexandra Fry Reporter STUDENTS ACROSS the country are set to learn about British Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people in the first ever LGBT History Month.

Throughout February the lives of LGBT people and their contributions to history and current events will be taught in schools across the country along with many events planned in celebration from theatre productions to fancy dress parties.

Initiated by the SchoolsOUT campaign group, it is hoped the event will help deal with the stigma left by Section 28, repealed in 2003.

The legislation prevented the promotion of homosexuality by teaching or by publishing material and famously made an insulting allusion to homosexuality as ‘a pretended family relationship.’

However the initiation has been criticised by Conservative Education Secretary Tim Collins dismissing it as ‘achingly politically correct’ and claiming a Tory government would not support a similar initiative were it in power.

The National Union of Students’ LGB Officer Ben Miskell described the M.P.’s comments as ‘a wilful misunderstanding of the intentions of this event.’

While it is not compulsory organisers say the teaching of tolerance with examples of how LGBT people have helped shape modern society would be beneficial in the fight against homophobia.

Schools Minister Stephen Twigg has welcomed and encouraged the project stating ‘we will encourage all schools to take part and engage within the project.’

The government has given the project’s website £16,000 which provides resources including lesson plans as well as a list of books, films and web links.

Key figures the group has highlighted include Florence Nightingale, Isaac Newton and Shakespeare whose sonnets seem to detail love between two men.

The initiative has gained the support of leading historian and Shakespeare academic Professor Stanley Wells who believes the study of Shakespeare and sexuality go hand in hand.

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

At

FALL: The back of the union where the student was found

Oxford looks abroad

University aims to recruit more overseas students to plug funding gap

By Chris Warlow Reporter OXFORD UNIVERSITY is proposing to cut its number of national undergraduates and take on a thousand more overseas students.

This move will net the university a cool £20,000 tuition fees per student per year.

The University is having substantial financial difficulties, which are due to a loss of funds from core activities.

Educating the average undergraduate at Oxford costs £18,600 per annum against a total income of £9,500.

Oxford was ranked fifth best university in a recent worldwide assessment by The Times Education Supplement, falling behind its competitors Harvard and Stanford.

The University believes its retained position amongst the world elite is "remarkable when viewed against the backdrop of chronic under-funding."

Although an internal performance analysis argues against the University

being in decline, a document detailing Oxford’s academic strategy disgrees.

It says: "The University’s international competitors are generating substantial surpluses and investing them to enhance their standing."

Oxford officials say the extra funds would be used to increase staff salaries and improve standards – thereby admitting that money is not needed to cover any losses.

But in future the situation may change.

Although the University has attracted academic staff of the highest standard and regard the pay given is inferior to other places in the UK and significantly so in comparison to the US elite.

Teaching loads at Oxford are also remarkably heavier.

This inevitably leads to reduced performance levels, and likewise the desirability to teach at the establishment.

Reputation being its hallmark, the University cannot afford to compromise its standards and there are fears that doing so would could lead to its demise.

News

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Photo: Charlotte Harries

NUS: IS THE PARTY OVER?

By Matt Wilkin News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union is considering disaffiliating with the National Union of Students (NUS) before the start of the next academic year.

The motion – which is currently being discussed by members of the Union’s executive committee – would mean that students studying at Cardiff would no longer be eligible for NUS membership and would not receive an NUS discount card.

Cardiff currently affiliates to the NUS with a £50,000 subscription fee each year. In return, the Union receives legal advice, research and campaigning representation, and help negotiating the best deals for its bars and shops. Students may also receive discounts at high street chains including TopShop/TopMan, HMV and Habitat.

Last year alone, the Union spent over £64,000 on the NUS including the affiliation fee, and costs incurred by officer training. The Union’s team of officers believes that the NUS does not offer students enough to warrant such expenses.

The vocal power of the national union has also been criticised: just 3,000 out of a total of 20,000 students turned out for the NUS demonstration against top-up fees in Cardiff last December, with the march receiving little coverage by the national press.

Speaking on behalf of the executive committee, Union President Gary Rees said: "Although affiliates have the opportunity to contact the NUS on various issues and stand collectively with other Unions, Cardiff University Students’ Union is

: t e e r t s e h t n o Word

nt card, “Aside from the discou the th wi t tac con no e I hav NUS. I wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t have an NUS card because I wouldn’t get the same discounts, but charging for a card seems ridiculous.”

James King - first year, Medicine

thes in “I get discount on clo the ss mi I’d so shops, NUS if I didn’t have it. But I don’t go shopping very much at the moment because I haven’t got any money.” r, Sarah Hillis - first yea n tio tra nis mi Ad ess Busin

“Even if the Union pro vided an alternative card, I think people would still get funny about it.

Everyone wants an NUS card.

But I disone.” agree with paying for

year, Celina Howorth - first n tio tra nis mi Ad ess sin Bu

a large organisation with qualified and experienced staff and therefore we do not use the NUS as much as a smaller, less equipped Union would.

"The NUS has, in recent years, been known to have various political agendas that result in conflict and disharmony and this, along with the level of expenses claimed by the National Executive Committee, is a cause for concern."

The committee also opposes the NUS’ intention of introducing a new style identification card, which will cost £10.

NUS hope to launch the new card in time for the academic session 2005/6. Research conducted into the new proposal at the University of Wales, Swansea found that 95% of those consulted did not want to pay for an NUS card.

Gary reassures students that the Union has the ability to provide a free student discount card with similar or better discounts.

He said: "Many of the discounts offered at the moment are either out of date, or are from luxuries shops, which students do not use. In addition to this, we would aim to negotiate the same prices on drinks, food, stationary, sports equipment and other consumer goods sold within the Union to compensate for not having input from NUS." For disaffiliation to take place, the Union would require at least 5% of the entire student body to sign a petition, and show their support for the motion.

After distributing a written document that outlines the action, a cross-campus ballot would coincide with the executive officer elections, to be held in March.

Would you miss the NUS? “If a new card came with the same benefits and you could prove you are a student, I can’t see a difference between that and an NUS me card. It wouldn’t affect it.” ced du pro o wh Joe Piggot - third year, n Business Administratio

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February 7 2005

LET news@gairrhydd.com

Cathays ALMA Agencies: Charltons Residential 163 Crwys Road, Cathays, Cardiff, CF24 4NH Tel:(029) 20 66 88 02 www.charltonsresidential.com Cardiff Property Services (CPS) 6 Miskin Street, Cathays, Cardiff CF24, 4AQ Tel:(029) 20 66 85 85 www.cps-cardiff.com

INVESTIGATION

By Dan Ridler Reporter IN A STUDENT city like Cardiff, letting agents can hold the key to your dream house, or a contract for disaster.

While many students are happy with their term-time homes there are frequent reports of the poor services some agents deliver.

Second year English Literature student Kerry-Lynne Doyle tried letting a house from Keylet in 2004 after receiving recommendations from other students.

She told gair rhydd: “When we looked through the property listings all the houses cost around £500 a month in rent.

Considering these houses accomodated between four and five

people, the monthly charge was amazingly cheap.”

It later transpired that the properties were “under development”, meaning that they were neither in a habitatable condition, nor officially available for lease from the landlords.

Kerry went on to say that other agents were “particularly evasive” when she enquired about paying gas and electricity bills.

She was also shocked to witness students playing on games consoles, and being offered free food and drink whilst they were discussing contracts with members of staff.

Kerry said: “By following these kind of policies, letting agents are distracting prosepctive tenants, when students’ full attention ought

to be focused on what they are signing and understanding how much money they are giving away.”

Second year communication student Perri Lewis also suffered misfortune when she and her housemates moved into an Cathays property last September.

“We found an ideal house and paid an agency fee on it when the letting agents offered us another property,” she said.

“It wasn’t fit for occupation at the time, but we were assured that it would be ready by the beginning of July. We agreed to go ahead, but come September, the house was still incomplete.

“The agents blamed the landlord and the landlord blamed the agents, but in the end it was us that suffered unnecessary inconvenience.”

Mead 136A Woodville Road,Cathays, Cardiff, CF24 4EE Tel. (029) 20 22 22 20 www.meadproperty.co.uk Moginie James 51 Cathays Terrace, Cardiff Tel:(029) 20 345 345 www.moginiejames.co.uk Pinnacle 3-5 Fanny Street, Cathays, Cardiff, CF24 4EG Tel:(029) 20 64 02 00 www.pinnacle-group.com Barbara Rees 144 Crwys Road, Cathays, Cardiff CF24 4EG Tel:(029) 20 37 19 17 www.barbararees.net Lloyd Taylor Simpson 51 Cathays Terrace, Cathays, Cardiff CF24 4HS Tel:(029) 20 34 05 56 EMail: taylsimp@aol.com

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February 7 2004

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DOWN : Lu ke P ave y an dF iona Bax ter

news@gairrhydd.com

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Photographs taken of damage in houses let by unregulated letting agents

By Dave Doyle News Editor WITHHELD BONDS, poor housing, and exploitation: student houseletters are in danger from unregulated agents.

The comments from CUSU’s Advice Centre Manager, Maria AlHaddad follow growing concern that students are being panicked into signing housing contracts.

“It is very early to be looking for houses, the landlords and letting agents are rubbing their hands together and thinking ‘oh, good.’” said Mrs Al-Haddad.

The problem seems to arise from the large number of unregulated letting agents in Cardiff.

The Chief Executive of the Association of Residential Letting Agents, Adrian Turner, said: “Despite the fact that more than a billion pounds is held by letting agents at any one time, there is no statutory control over them or their clients’ money.”

This lack of regulation is documented by a history of trouble for students at the hands of letting agents.

In 2001 gair rhydd was instrumental in setting up the ‘bond bank’ scheme after letting agents Castle Management failed to return student bonds totalling £250,000.

Despite pressure from gair rhydd students consistently found themselves left out of pocket, in sub-standard accommodation or bullied into contracts by ‘cowboy’ letting agents.

In October last year gair rhydd was still reporting trouble with disputes between several Cardiff students and local letting agents Nick Reagen.

The message from the advice centre is for students to steer clear of unregulated letting agents.

“If you’re going to use a letting agent, use one of the ALMA ones” said Mrs Al-Haddad.

The Association of Letting and

Management Agents has a proper complaints procedure.

According to their website: “ALMA members must satisfy strict conditions in order to join and remain in membership of the Association.

They must hold Professional Indemnity Insurance and retain proper records in respect of Client’s monies held”.

Even through these letting agents students may find themselves left with poor-quality property if they house-hunt too early: “It’s good sense for the letting agents to try and get rid of the poorer stuff first, then they’ve got more chance of flogging all their properties,” said Mrs Al-Haddad.

She also pointed out the danger of students signing contracts with signing contracts with people they’ve only known a short amount of time.

“The most common problem we deal with is people coming to us in May in tears because they’ve fallen

out with their housemates. You can’t just get out of your contract, it’s not that easy,” she said.

The pressure to get a house early largely stems from the mistaken belief that the best houses will go

“the landlords and letting agents are rubbing their hands together and thinking ‘oh good. first.

Mrs Al-Haddad says: “They will always say ‘you won’t get any better

than this’. It’s just not true.”

“We have lists throughout the year with beautiful houses on them and no one to fill them. There’s definitely more houses than there are students.”

The Advice Centre has lists throughout the year of private landlords and Mrs Al-Haddad would advise students use these. “Why pay a £60 agents fee?” she said.

She fears many are taken as easy prey by housing sharks: “Students have to assert their rights, they are paying a lot of money, they can’t let themselves be taken as ‘they’re just students’.”

She also suggests that students attend the Housing Information Day this Tuesday.

The day is designed to give advice to students going into the private sector for the first time and to introduce them to the agencies they may need to call upon while letting.

The Housing Information Day will run from 11-3 in the Great Hall.

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As the world comes to terms

WAVE AID

15.15.....Pre show - Camera

The biggest charity event in the UK comes to Cardiff

By Molly Forbes Reporter

15.30.....Katherine Jenkins 15.50.....Keane 16.20.....Raghav 16.30.....Charlotte Church 16.45.....Lemar 17.10.....Craig David 17.30.....Snow Patrol

PHOTOS: James Perou

18.00.....Goldie Lookin’ Chain 18.20.....Badly Drawn Boy 18.50.....Aled Jones 19.00.....Brian McFadden 19.15.....Embrace 19.40.....Kelly Jones 20.00.....Manic Street Preachers 20.30.....Heather Small 20.50.....Feeder 21.15.....Liberty X 21.30.....Lulu 21.45.....Jools Holland & Eric Clapton

A HUGE crowd packed out the Stadium last Saturday to watch an amazing line up of bands play a special concert in aid of the Tsunami Appeal.

There was something to suit everyone with acts ranging from Snow Patrol, Feeder and the Manic Street Preachers to Charlotte Church and Liberty X. Craig David made a comeback with a short acoustic set that proved he has not lost his Bo’Selecta cool, although the women in the crowd seemed to be more excited by Lemar and his velvet voice.

A real high point of the sevenhour show though, was definitely Snow Patrol’s perfect rendition of ‘Run’. The stadium literally shook with the excitement of sixty-one thousand people as they waved their red lights in response to the lyrics ‘light up, light up’.

Both Embrace and Feeder also lived up to the crowd’s expectations and played a mixture of classic old material and new tracks, driving the crowd into a frenzy.

Although the atmosphere in the

stadium was one of excitement, there was also an overwhelming feeling of empathy as everyone joined together in remembrance of the victims of the Tsunami.

This was constantly reinforced through big-screen images of the devastation and loss that the disaster has left behind, along with messages from politicians and celebrities showing their support for the concert.

These sobering images seemed to ensure a general feeling of camaraderie and friendliness that perhaps would not have been evident had the concert been solely for commercial reasons.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain added to this friendly atmosphere, providing some comedic relief in the form of fluorescent pink tracksuits and deliberately bad dancing.

Just as amusing was the bad dancing that Lulu provoked with ‘Shout’, as the younger people in the audience appeared to have a dance-off with the more mature members of the crowd.

Kirsty McCaig, Third Year English Literature Student at Cardiff enjoyed the show. She said, ‘Snow Patrol’s ‘Run’ was definitely a stand-out moment for me, although I also

think Kelly Jones was excellent.’

Mark Gilchro, an 18-year-old student who travelled up from Bristol for the concert, matched this enthusiasm. ‘I thought Feeder were wicked’ he said, ‘but my favourite moment was when The Manics did ‘Design For Life’. Absolutely classic!

“Eric Clapton and Jools Holland

These sobering images seemed to ensure a general feeling of camaraderie and friendliness were also pretty good, they definitely lived up to their legend-status!’

The concert was completely soldout, with the extra thousand tickets that were released late being snapped up in just twenty minutes. This enthusiastic response helped to raise the total figure of £1.25 million, all going towards the DEC Tsunami Appeal.

For those that wish to make a donation to the Appeal, call the donation line on: 08705 100700.

GRA mon ND TOT ey ra AL: ised The f by t inal r he g ig esult of the

READY TO ROCK: The Millennium Stadium is transformed for the marathon concert to start

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February 7 2005

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with the tsunami, Cardiff joins in aid effort

SWEEPS UNI

By Will Talmage News Editor FOLLOWING THE massive success of the Tsunami Relief concert, several Union societies have begun preparing plans for similar aid efforts.

Ranging from smallscale bucket col-

lections to twinning Cardiff University with a university in the effected area, all of the charity efforts are dependant on student generosity and participation.

One of the fastest societies to react to the tragedy was the Sri-Lankan society.

Over the Christmas holiday, the society collected clothes from its members and the public and managed to fill over 60 boxes to send out

to the effected regions.

To date, the society has managed to raise £520 from its members, combined with £100 from the societies own funds. They are currently in discussions wirth Cardiff City Council to organise a street collection in the city centre. Although the date has not yet been finalised, the event should be held within a fortnight.

A more ambitious plan, revealed by the Union, is to twin Cardiff University with a university

the a as Krabi e s the ch in rom h Bea f e e p sca ah L to e e at R E e l r g o g re leph stru h to sh sc an e l p s ue ts Peo es cra v ve he a w hic lp les to in clea Ba r nd the eh w Ac ay eh for

of victims e remainseks after th r fo g in arch d we of Thailan ere still se Officials wtowns in the South in fishing hit the waves

Villagers that is le in Thailand re t ft is wa steland urn home after the disa ster - all

in the effected region.

Discussions have been implemented by Tom Gough, Campaigns and PR Officer, with people in the region. The logistics are yet to be finalised, however it is clear that it will be a long term project with emphasis on twinning rather than charity.

Beri Abbas, Societies, Postgraduate and International officer, said: "The Universities response to the tsunami has been more reactive rather than responsive."

Save the Children society has also been active in raising funds for the Tsunami aid effort. As well as helping to organise two concerts held at the Toucan club, in aid of the Tsunami appeal, they are also hoping to host a ‘Buy-a-Sabb’ auction to be held in Fat Friday. The society is planning to put the Sabbatical officers up for auction with all proceeds going to the Tsunami appeal.

Patricia Xavier, a fourth year Civil Engineering student and head of the Save the Children Society said: "A lot of people have been really effected by the tsunami but don’t quite know what they can do to help.

"By supporting these events, the money you donate can make a real difference.”

Katherine Jenkins: We lsh talent

he brains GEANT: T n R E S L U A o P e operati behind th

bly : GLC remar ka YOU KNOWS IT national TV restrained on

PHOTOS: James Perou

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Treated worse than animals PHOTO: Luke Pavey

UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL: The site of controversy

FAT FRI-UP

By Cara Lee Reporter

PHOTO: Luke Pavey

THE NIGHTLIFE at the union is set to change with the launch of Fat Friday and reduced bar prices this week.

From the 11 February Lashtastic will be replaced by the night CUSU describes as “A Carnival of Light and Sound.”

Union Secretary James Green says the night will be more entertainment based and will involve greater interaction with the crowd.

Along with the usual commercial chart, pop and RnB, Fat Friday will offer live bands and DJs. The union aims to establish Fat Friday as a unique night.

The Union President, Gary Rees, adds that: “No matter how many drinks you have had and however many times you have been, you will never have been to Fat Friday twice.”

Along with these changes the union has introduced cheaper drinks, with the standard pricing on bars dropping by approximately 20%.

Some of the new promotions include pints of Carling for £1 on Mondays, buy one get one free on bottles of alcopops and lagers on

Wednesdays, bottles for £1.50 on Fridays and Snakebite for £1 on Saturdays.

Selected spirit doubles with mixer will also be sold for £2 at all times.

When top league football matches are shown, pints of Carling, Worthington, Brains and Strongbow will be priced at £1.25 a pint in the Taf. Keith Owen, the Bars Manager, explains that these changes have been made possible due to the loyalty of the students last semester, when the drinks prices had to rise in accordance with inflation.

Mr Owen warns, however, that the loyalty of the students needs to be maintained in order to keep bar prices low.

He adds “other bars or clubs offer such rewards back to their customers for being such loyal patrons and I would like to thank you for your support.”

FAT: but will it be phat?

By Charlotte Styles Reporter A SENIOR nurse has sparked controversy between the Welsh Assembly and Cardiff’s University Hospital after claiming patients are being treated worse than animals.

In an email to Health Minister Brian Gibbons the nurse accused the hospital of treating patients like vegetables, commenting that animals would receive better care.

The accusations followed a series of incidents that prompted her to expose the current situation.

She revealed in her email to the new Health Minister that patients were being left in cold corridors and having their dignity compromised, due to a critical lack of beds at Wales’ largest hospital.

The sister said she was “appalled” at the conditions she and her colleagues had to tolerate on a daily basis in the emergency unit.

She recalled several incidents of patients being left on trolleys for over 50 hours, where adult patients were treated in paediatric beds, and others who were placed in resuscitation beds, despite not needing that level of care.

The sister asked in her email: “How much longer is the NHS going to treat its patients as vegetables?”

She added that nurses were expected to work in conditions that compromised the Nursing and Midwifery Council code of conduct on a daily basis.

Huw Ross, chief executive of the Cardiff and Vale NHS trust, said: “The Welsh NHS is not configured successfully or well enough to deal with all the

pressures it is being put under, and we’re not achieving the standards of service that people have every right to expect.”

Speaking in the assembly, First Minister Rhodri Morgan told AMs that the situation was serious, but normal for January when there is a typical increase in respiratory diseases.

Angered nurses challenged Mr Morgan to come and see at first hand how staff are struggling to cope in the emergency department.

Staff Nurse Tara Dunn said: “I am very disappointed and shocked with his comments. We would be very pleased to see him come down to the department and see it when it is busy as it is every day, and the stresses we work under.”

Mr Morgan responded to their request and visited the department spending around half an hour talking to staff and patients.

Staff at the hospital informed him that a high level of bed blocking and changes to GP out-of-hours arrangements had resulted in patients waiting on trolleys for days.

Staff also told Mr Morgan that the decision to allow private companies to run GP out-of-hours services, a nonemergency health service in October, had resulted in a ten per cent increase in people attending the emergency unit.

Mr Morgan said: “I will not be making an instant policy based on a 30 minute visit, even if it was one of the most interesting 30 minutes I’ve ever experienced in my political life.”

He also added that he fully supported the staff and pledged that he would discuss the staff’s concerns with the Health Minister, and Cardiff’s local health board.

flasher targets students Grant for Fees Daylight

By Molly Forbes flees the scene of the crime on a yelBy Dan Ridler Reporter

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Vice Chancellor David Grant has confirmed his controversial stance in favour of top-up fees.

This policy puts Grant in opposition to Cardiff University Students’ Union and the NUS. In a statement to gair rhydd the university said they have: “been unable to identify any alternative of meeting the funding shortfall for universities.”

The statement goes on to reiterate Dr. Grant’s view that “there will be benefits to students.”

Such improvements would be modified repayment regime and deferred payment with better support package.

Gary Rees, President of the Cardiff University Student Union responded to Dr. Grant’s views saying: “obviously a university chancellor would choose to support a method that would ensure a fast answer for revenue to the organisation he leads.”

“As leader of that organisation, though, he has forgotten the most important people: his disciples the students.”

Dr. Grant was also quoted in The Times on December 30 saying Welsh universities needed significant fees “to maintain the quality of provision to students and to recruit and retain high-quality staff.”

Rees maintains that top-ups are not the way forward: “They have the bread of a sandwich, but not the filling,” he said.

Reporter THREE FEMALE students have recently been the victims in a series of flashings.

There have been four reports in ten days, with the most recent one happening just a week ago. Three of the four victims were students.

The incidents have taken place on the side streets around the Whitchurch Road area. It is suspected that the flasher waits for lone females on their way to and from lectures.

Each incident has occurred in broad daylight around midday.

He is described as being of slim build, between five foot six to five foot eight inches tall and of a general scruffy appearance.

His hair is thought to be a dirty blonde or ginger colour and is cut into a short, messy style. He is also described as having obvious acne.

Some women have reported that he

low mountain bike.

Police Student Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane said: “It is unusual for flashers to assault people, although it is still important to report any incident quickly so that police have a better chance of catching this man.”

Liz Moss, Third Year Psychology student, knows how it feels after seeing a flasher on her way home last year.

“When I turned round he was out of his car, naked from the waist down and shaking himself about with his trousers round his ankles. I just ran away.” she said. Liz did not report the incident.

PC Keohane urges students to make an emergency 999 call if they feel in any danger.

To report an incident of flashing, call Cardiff Police on 029 20 222111.

Incidents should be reported as quickly as possible.

Slim-pickings for Crimbo crims

By Kirsty McCaig Reporter IN A DRAMATIC turnaround from last Christmas, the police have received no reports of student house break-ins between the December 20 and January 9.

P.C Bob Keohane said: “It seems that Cardiff students have finally heeded the message to take their belongings home over Christmas.”

“This is thanks to a proactive police campaign, the publicity that the gair

rhydd has given and the Cardiff council accreditation plus scheme.’

Despite this decrease in burglaries, Cardiff students did not experience a crime free Christmas.

379 bags and phones were stolen, 246 cars broken into and 83 bikes stolen between September 1 and December 31 2004.

In an attempt to combat this, University security are currently selling bike locks at a discounted price, and remind students to be vigilant.

News

February 7 2005

Page 9

news@gairrhydd.com

THE IRAQI CONNECTION

By Paul Dicken News Editor

IN 1980 Qassim Dawoud was studying for an MSc in MicroBiology at Cardiff University. A government loyalist and prominent member of a pro-government student society, he fully backed Saddam Hussein’s Ba’athist dictatorship.

Qassim Dawoud has since been made Minister of State for National Security in the Iraqi Interim Government.

In a 1980 edition of the gair rhydd, Mr Dawoud is quoted saying that his movement would be taking an active part in every general meeting ‘in order to defend itself and the Government of Al-Baath.’ Qassim Dawoud’s NUIS

WESTERN MAIL: Jan 31, 1981 and related articles appear in the gair rhydd repeatedly from 1979 throughout the early 1980s.

The same edition of the gair rhydd reported claims that ‘the Home Office investigated reports of a "death list" for four anti-government students’, which originated at the Iraqi embassy in London, two of the students were from Wales.

Jamal Hafid – who arrived in Cardiff late 1979 to study a PhD in Civil Engineering – was part of the Iraqi Students Society (ISS), which

was connected to a wider democratic student society in Iraq known as the General Union of Students in the Iraqi Republic (GUSIR).

This society was an anti-government movement directly opposed to the pro-government National Union of Iraqi Students (NUIS), which was linked to the national government in Iraq.

Jamal Hafid was a member of the ISS and spoke out against the regime who controlled Iraq at that time.

He recalls the Iraqi political situation in the early 1980s: "They created an army within an army of security and security apparatus, and would chase down anyone who didn’t want to be a Ba’athist. The NUIS fully took the approach of the government."

The approach of the government was brought into student politics and the general meetings at the union. The meetings, which normally accomodated 30 or so students, became full to capacity with over a hundred students voting to pass motions like ‘this Union believes that the victorious Saddam Hussein is the leader of the Arab nations and has the wisdom to lead the world.’

Attempts were later made to ban NUIS members from the Union and its meetings.

The ISS were vocal in their approach to publicising “the murders, the summary executions, the rapes, the disappearances and mass genocide of the Iraqi regime.” Jamal supported the “calls for regime change”, but he suggests this was only following the efforts by the ISS and politicians had been making ever since the 1970s.

“I was openly talking against them, I was arranging speeches with the NUT (National Union of Teachers), with university lecturers, open meet-

JAMAL AND HIS SON: taken in Cardiff, early 1980’s

MR DAWOUD: Cardiff, 1979 ings in the Students’ Union building, exposing the activities of the regime.”

The NUIS tormented those students who opposed Saddam Hussein’s dictatorship. Violence, death threats and kidnap attempts were its typical tactics.

Jamal remembers only 20 of 50 ISS members being publicly known because of the threat posed by the NUIS in their attempts to bully people into supporting the government.

In January 1981, the Western Mail reported a ‘fight between rival groups of Iraqi students’. The article records that two members of the ‘anti-government’ ISS were taken to Cardiff Royal Infirmary.

The later court hearing was told of a ‘running feud between rival Iraqi students’, but collapsed ‘in the absence of any cogent independent witnesses’ and the members of the NUIS were not convicted.

Jamal was himself twice attacked by members of the ISS, including an occassion in 1982 where he was seriously hurt on the Union steps by seven men, including Qassim Dawoud.

The violence of the NUIS was ultimately part of a wider system of violence and a political dictatorship. His sister and son were both threatened by Ba’ath part loyalists in Cardiff.

In 1984, Jamal was coming to the end of his PhD studies when he received a phone call from the Iraqi embassy in London asking him to come and see them to check his progress. He was sure that the attempts by the embassy to make him go to London were all a threat to try and convince him of his political perspective.

He was eventually accused of avoiding his embassy, and had his grant immediately stopped. Without sufficient funds, he was unable to complete his PhD, despite his attempts to negotiate with the university. His family were eventually forced to move to London.

Jamal Hafid places a high stock on democracy and freedom of speech. In his attempts to publicise the danger of having a man like Qassim Dawoud in the Iraqi Interim Government, he believes it to be part of the democratic process: "We don’t want to go blindly to vote."

It has been suggested that ex-Ba’ath party members were brought into the government to enforce security and repress terrorist violence. Iyad Allawi, the Interim Prime Minister, is an exBa’ath party member who formed the Iraqi National Accord from Iraqi exiles.

Allawi’s connections to Washington and London have been well publicised, although he and Qassim Dawoud represent different parties in Iraq.

From Cardiff to Kurdistan IRAQI INTERIM Deputy Prime Minister Barham Salih joined was arrested twice by Iraqi authorities before fleeing to Britain.

He arrived in Cardiff in 1980, to study Civil and Structural Engineering.

In a speech given at the Keir Hardie lecture in the Cynon Valley in November last year, Mr Salih described coming back to Cardiff "like coming home", after fleeing tyranny and repression in his own country.

After acting as a spokesman in London for the PUK, he later became prime minister for the Kurdistan Regional Government in 2001.

Mr Salih escaped an assassination attempt in Sulaymaniyah, Iraq in 2002 and became the deputy prime

minister of the Interim Government in Iraq in 2004.

During the Iraq-Iran war (1980-88) the 2.5-3m Kurds in Iraq demanded greater autonomy but negotiations with the governement quickly broke down. When Kurdish guerillas and Iranian forces began collaborating to attack Iraqi military and industrial targets in the mid-1980s, the Iraqi government retaliated.

What is known as the Anfal campaign was started, which included the use of chemical weapons in attacks on Kurdish civilians. In the town of Halabja, in Northern Iraq, 5,000 people were killed.

The Interim Prime Minister of Iraq, Iyad Allawi, also fled Iraq and came to Cardiff to recuperate after an attempt was made on his life in

Surrey.

Ann Clwyd, who is the Government’s Special Envoy on Human Rights to Iraq, told the gair rhydd of the Interim Government’s Welsh links. She was also certain that Barham will play a major part in the political future of Iraq.

Cardiff professor - first European Amsterdam hitchhike for Amnesty recipient of prestigious award

By Nicola Menage Reporter CARDIFF SCIENTIST Professor Peter Harper is the first European recipient of a prestigious American award for his work in the field of genetic science.

The March of Dimes Award for Lifetime Acheivement is given annually to an individual whose lifetime body of work has made significant contribution towards the prevention or treatment of birth defects and other genetic disorders.

The March of Dimes is a US-based voluntary health agency, founded by President Franklin Roosevelt to find a cure for Polio, and have been using research like that done by Professor Harper to prevent birth defects and infant mortality.

Professor Harper has a long standing research interest in inherited neurological disorders, especially Huntingdon’s disease and myopic dystrophy.

He is extensively involved in the practice and development of genetic counselling and is author of the wide-

ly used ‘Practical Genetic Counselling’.

He has also been involved in developing public policy in the UK, and internationally, in Medical Genetics, as a member of the UK regulatory body Advisory Committee on Genetic Testing.

Professor Harper described the “honour” of receiving the award: “Previous winners have included America’s leading genetic scientists, so it is particularly gratifying that our work in Cardiff has been recognised in this way.”

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL and RAG are organising a hitchhike to Amsterdam to raise money for the human rights charity.

The trek will be taking place between 21-23 March. All of the volunteers involved will work in pairs and try to get to Amsterdam in the fastest time, with a £150 prize.

The organisers need 90 volunteers, with each volunteer required to raise £100 minimum sponsorship money.

There is a meeting in the Wallace Lecture Theatre in the Main Building on Monday 7 February at

6pm. A £25 registration fee is a requisite, while enquiries and interest can be forwarded to hitchhike4amnesty@hotmail.co.uk.

World News

Page 10

February 7 2005

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‘A FORGOTTEN EMERGENCY’

By Paul Dicken News Editor HAVING RAISED their £70 million target and thanked the British public for their generosity Oxfam stated that Sudan has ‘quickly become a forgotten emergency.’

Sudan’s civil war between Southern rebels and the government began in 1983 when the Sudan People’s Liberation Movement/Army (SPLM/A) began militant action against the government based in the capital Khartoum, in Northern Sudan.

The SPLM/A were fighting for greater autonomy for the South which is comprised of mainly Christian people, or people who believe in Animism (often traditional, mystical beliefs that consider all living things to have a soul or conscious).

The ruling government holds Islamic belief and has tried to impose Islamic law throughout Sudan in the past.

Current statistics put numbers on the widespread suffering in Sudan.

The UN have estimated that 1.5 million people have died during the last 21 years of civil war, while at least four million have fled their homes.

Oxfam relased statements last Tuesday saying that ‘suffering on a massive scale was still occuring in Darfur’ (a region in SouthWest Sudan).

The charity said that 1.65 million people are currently refugees being forced to live in camps or in makeshift shelters.

The Sudanese are living without

access to clean water, sanitation and little food. The danger for mass malnutrition and disease is great.

A Sudanese Peace At the end of last year a peace deal was made between the SPLM/A and the Khartoum government.

The peace deal accords the SPLM/A with poltical and economic influence in Sudan.

The requisites in the peace deal included a permanent cease-fire, a 39,000 person army comprised of fighters from north and south, and a referendum to be held in six years on whether or not the south should be independent.

The SPLM/A have been granted political influence and economic benefits, including a 50-50 share in potential oil profits.

Sudan is an oil rich nation, producing up to 320,000 barrels of oil per day. Although the government have a 70% share of the jobs in central administration, the need for SPLM/A leader John Garang to transform his rebal army into a transparent political organisation is fundamental to the success of peace which hopes to integrate Sudan’s divisions.

The peace deal so far seems to have been met with some opposition and defiance. Oxfam’s pleas for a renewel of aid suggest violence is still being inflicted upon civilians as the Abu Shouk refugee camp in North Darfur has increased in size to 900,000 people.

In neighbouring Uganda the UN refugee agency (UNHCR) have said refugees from Sudan are reluctant to return. It has been reported that Sudanese refugees in Northern Uganda consider the peace agreement not to be inclusive to all groups. Also in Eastern Sudan the Beja community clashed violently with government

SHELTERS: hand-made and make-shift house many Sudanese forces on their way to a meeting to discuss greater wealth and power sharing with the government.

The lack of clarity in categorising Darfur’s crimes is intertwinned with political manouvering.

Genocide

The U.S. Involvement

Former U.S Secretary of State Colin Powell described the conflicts in Sudan as genocide in September. The UN released an investigation into the Darfur disaster last week denying that the ‘widespread and systematic abuse’ carried out by Arab militia constututes genocide.

The use of the word genocide seems fraught with political implication.

While the Janjaweed militia have engaged in ethnic cleansing the report laid out a difficult wording in its condemnation of the crimes saying that they may be ‘no less serious and heinous than genocide.’ If the UN do declare an humanitarian crisis as genocide then signatoires have to take action under the 1948 Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of Genocide. JANJAWEED MILITIA:

America brokered the peace deal in Sudan using the proposal of economic restrictions being lifted from the country.

Sudanese oil provides an alternative to the Middle-East suppliers, while the Sudanese government’s movements towards Islamic extremism have met recent stabilising movements being embraced by the U.S government.

The Christian right in America have also put pressure on the government to resolve the crisis, seeing as it is Christian persecution.

U.S diplomacy has had an impact on Sudan but Oxfam called the world response ‘half measures and empty promises.’

supported by the government

Israel moves back to move on

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter CONTENTIOUS PLANS are being negotiated in the Middle East to transfer Israeli security power to Palestinian forces.

In the continuing aim to reach peace Israel is considering a transfer of responsibility in key West Bank towns and a redeployment of troops in

BETHLEHEM: a key city in talks

the region.

With the recent appointment of the new Palestinian leader, Mahmoud Abbas, many view this latest proposal as a genuine attempt to reach a successful ceasefire.

The Israeli leader, Ariel Sharon, has spoken of his hopes of "a historic breakthrough in relations between us."

However, he has made it clear that for such positive negotiations to continue, Mr Abbas must take "comprehensive action to end terrorism, violence and incitement."

Recently, in accordance with agreements made, the Palestinian president has deployed security forces in Gaza, and a relative period of calm within the military currently exists.

Israeli troops announced last Friday that they will significantly reduce their military operations in occupied Palestine regions.

However, fear exists that Palestinian priorities at this time will hinder the peace process.

Mr Abbas needs to consolidate support from the Palestinian people for

his policies, which will require Israeli action on more than one level.

Other Palestinian leaders argue that many concessions for the sake of the peace plan, regarding elections for a new leadership and security form, have been made. They want the Israeli government to reciprocate.

On Thursday the Israeli cabinet approved the release of 900 Palestine prisoners, excluding those who were involved in attacks where lives were lost. 500 of the prisoners will be released after a Middle East summit in Egypt to be held next week.

Concerning crucial political demands Mr Abbas is expected to press for a halt in Israeli construction in the military occupied territories, including both the West Bank separation barrier and Jewish settlements.

Although tentative steps towards peace are being made, Palestine has deep concerns over recent reports that Israel is preparing the revival of a law from the 1950s that could result in the seizure of substantial tracts of Palestinian land.

The area under question is Arab East Jerusalem; the proposed site for Palestinian’s future capital.

Mr Abbas wishes to enter serious negotiations which will result in a peaceful and prosperous future for Palestine; Ariel Sharon has declared Israel’s intention to respond quiet with quiet, rather than to sign any formal agreement.

ON THE MOVE: Palestinian forces

World News Round-up

By Georgie Mavrakis Reporter TAKING THE spotlight off the Iraq elections, an Official U.S audit this week revealed evidence of widespread corruption in post-war Iraq.

The report highlighted that while the Coalition Provisional Authority (CPA) closely budgeted U.S taxpayers’ money in Iraq the authority failed to monitor as closely the projects funded by Iraq’s own funds.

It was found that the CPA, before handing over power in June 2004, left a sum amounting to nearly £5bn open to corruption. It is claimed that certain ministries were allowed to heavily overspend; one ministry claimed funds for the employment of 8,206 guards when the report found that there were barely 600.

The report’s claim that the oversight of Iraqi funds was ‘burdened by severe inefficiencies and poor management’, and was fiercely objected to by the former CPA chief Paul Bremner who found it unfair to expect perfect accounting practices at a time of such unrest in Iraq.

Bill Clinton has been put forward this week to front the UN tsunami reconstruction campaign. The former US President became the UN point man for post-tsunami reconstruction.

UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan could see no-one better to ensure the world does not forget the countries devastated by the natural disaster.

Clinton is said to be looking forward to his new role, and has also been brought in to help resolve conflicts with rebels in the two worst hit countries - Indonesia and Sri Lanka.

The Screening of the controversial film ‘Submission’ by Theo Van Gogh, the Dutch filmmaker murdered by an alleged Islamist extremist last November has been abandoned amid fears of violence.

The film was due to be shown at Rotterdam film festival at the end of January as part of a freedom of expression event in tribute to the late filmmaker’s life.

Van Gogh’s film, which criticises Islam’s treatment of women and uses words of the Koran written on women’s bodies, caused protests when shown on television last August.

Following threats made towards people involved with the film, police advised abandoning the screening. The decision was made amid uproar from many filmmakers concerned by the threat it poses to the freedom of expression.

Pakistan’s first public bar opened last week despite alcohol being banned since 1977.

The Oxygen Bar, in a suburb of Pakistan’s cultural capital Lahore, dispenses flavoured Oxygen at £4.50 to wealthy residents on the lookout for an alternative to alcohol befitting a good Muslim citizen.

The sign ‘Bar’ outside has duped many a hopeful Pakistani hoping for a cold pint, though the Bar’s owner, Irfan Khan recognises that within his country there exists an elite crying out for such gimmicks and fashion statements as this surely is.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 12

February 7 2005

opinion@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd FREE WORD

Housing Horrors

T

here is a common myth peddled at this time of year that students need to sign up for a house as quickly as possible before all the decent properties get snapped up.

Letting agents and landlords are only to happy for this myth to grow, confident that worried freshers will accept substandard properties or contracts in exchange for the security of a room for the next year.

As with most things in life, taking your time and using a level head are the best tools any house hunter can have. Don’t feel pressured into signing anything before you’re absolutely happy and be prepared to ask questions or query anything that seems strange.

There is an abundance of property and letting agents in Cardiff, so you can always take your custom elsewhere.

If you’re unsure about any aspect of the process then the Student Advice Centre on the third floor of the union will be able to help.

The Asian Tsunami

W

hile the media start to turn their attention to other stories, the cleanup after the Tsunami still goes on.

Successful as the Millennium Stadium concert was, there is now a temptation to view the fundraising as reaching its peak.

But while the papers focus on a perma-tanned politician and the relationship between a rock-star and a model, the devastation wreaked by the disaster is still far from being fixed.

Fighting disease, rebuilding communities and healing shattered lives are all processes that will continue for many years to come.

The greatest crime the world could commit now would be to forget those in need altogether.

NUS at risk?

N

US are in serious trouble.

Their debts are well recorded and the bigger students’ unions are increasingly questioning the point of membership to the organisation.

Their cause can hardly be helped by an impending decision to charge for NUS cards.

Now Cardiff Students’ Union is questioning whether NUS provides value for money.

Make no mistake - this is an important debate to put before the student community.

Disaffiliating would be a big step but is an option that should be considered by Cardiff students.

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Charlotte: the eternally unsuccessful dieter

A

nother year, another month, another week, another day.

And for Charlotte – another

diet.

She’s had it up to the ears of never fitting into her housemate’s clothes, and never being able to find Miss Sixty jeans in her size. The flat stomach is forever going to be the look of the moment, so in her eyes, it’s time to bite the bullet and be gone with those bulges.

Off she trots to Tesco Extra, debit card at the ready, to buy a trolley full of the healthy essentials. Fruit every day, fish twice a week, and according to Heat magazine it’s porridge that

everyone should be munching on for breakfast (“reduces cholesterol, AND fills you up”). With the two week, two bowl Kellogg’s challenge not entirely having gone to plan (Charlotte gained three pounds that fortnight) she’s prepared to give anything a go.

Using left-over Christmas money she’s invested in a George Foreman grill (“it’s not called a lean, mean, fat grillin’ machine for nothing, you know”), and the other day she picked up a juicer on special offer in Lidl.

This was particularly handy, as last week Carole Caplin said in The Daily Mail that it’s all about the juices from raw veg, added with a bit of ginger

and wheat germ for radiance to the skin and hair. “We’ll be trying some of that then,” Charlotte says to herself as she lingers round the organic counter looking for the ‘reduced to clear’ labels.

Not quite being able to stretch to the idea of paying for a gym membership, she’s pulled out her old trainers from the depths of her wardrobe, and with a bit of a dust off was soon springing round Roath Park, listening to Eric Pridz on her ipod to keep the rhythm going.

It didn’t lift her spirits too much however, as her light jog was at one point overtaken by two power walkers

who just happened to be over the 17 stone mark.

Slumped on a bench with sweat dripping down her forehead, Charlotte has a vision of her sitting opposite Marjorie Doors, forever attending Fat Fighters UK, unable to ever reach her desired look.

No one knows why she really bothers, her boyfriend thinks she’s gorgeous just how she is, and she’ll never loose any weight really, when she keeps forgetting that she drunkenly eats cheesy chips twice a week.

What would Carole say about that one, Charlotte?

Where The Sun doesn’t shine

By Dave Doyle

T

he Sun has once again emerged as the people’s defender in the fight against perversion with its condemnation of the government’s month longfestival of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am the first to slate inane PC bullshit initiatives like this and I do (though it pains me to admit this) agree with the morons at The Sun that this seems a ludicrous way to spend £16,000 of tax payer’s money.

However, the article featured in ‘The Sun Says’ is not about the waste of taxpayer’s money or the decline in

educational standards, as it professes.

It is simply pandering to bigotry and homophobia.

The Sun seems to believe that this sort of initiative is some form of Guardian readers’ conspiracy to “sexually engineer” children, the implication being that homosexuality is something people are ‘corrupted’ into by lefty bleeding-hearts.

Ultimately this is about tolerance, not trying to influence innocent minds. The Sun believes there is no justification in children as young as seven writing "words like ‘poof ’ on a board in class". Personally I would prefer that all children were exposed to certain words if it helped prevent the ignorant victimisation of a minority.

The Sun also claims that this event will contribute to a decline in educational standards, asking: “what kind of education system prefers to teach children that Shakespeare was gay (a theory, not a fact, by the way) rather than open them up to the dazzling richness of his words” they lament.

Excuse me for being a little cynical but when was the last time The Sun enriched anyone’s mind?

When a newspaper refers to an event designed to promote awareness of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender History as “dangerous nonsense,” “misguided,” and “disgraceful” it stops representing public interest and simply appeals to a worrying under-current of homophobia running through the core of British

society.

“Let us make it clear that The Sun believes people’s sexual preferences are for them to choose to follow” they charitably declare. Yet, for The Sun, this is only if these sexual preferences are kept “a private matter.”

This appears a little shallow when you turn to page three.

It seems ludicrously hypocritical that a newspaper which attracts a large portion of its ten million readership through its fierce publicity of heterosexual desire can push for sexual preference to be kept a private matter.

Of course, it is not sexual preference that The Sun wants kept quiet; it is only homosexual preference they want to push back in the closet.

Emma Stanford’s

ROOM 101

R

ed. The brakes screech to a halt. I pull the handbrake up and quietly rev the engine.

With one arm outstretched on the steering wheel and the other poised in the direction of the gear stick I drum my fingers impatiently and with increasing force. Whipping my head around to the right, I give my opponent a shady glare. I rev a little louder to prove that I mean business.

Green. Foot down, the wheels spin and I finally hit second gear. And red again, brakes screech. This is the ordeal that starts my morning every day of the week - rush hour – my number one candidate for Room 101.

Rush-hour is most positively the only thing that makes me mad

enough to drive ‘hands-free’ (as they say on Real Radio) in a futile attempt to terrify the driver next to me into letting me win my white-rabbit-style race against time.

The unwritten rule of driving that declares it the responsibility of the person behind to keep an eye on the person in front works wonders for this scenario – after all, would you want a mad man (or woman) with both hands slapped against the window in a permanent peace sign (well, that’s what it looks like from my angle anyway) driving behind you?

This continuous gridlock has the power and skill to turn a one-hour lecture into a three-hour trial and

cause an ordinarily rational person to lose all human logic.

Why is it that in the middle of rush-hour drivers of articulated lorries seem to think that they have the engine power of a Lotus sports car that enables them to overtake lorries of equal status?

They drive neck and neck for more than three miles up the motorway, blocking both lanes until finally one of them reluctantly gives in. It’s like watching a race between two tortoises.

And what’s more, I’d like to know whether wearing a suit and owning an oversized Mercedes give you the right to sail past a long tailback of cars, with your indicator flashing (as

if it were a siren) and at the last possible moment cut in at the front as if you had no idea that all of the cars behind were unwillingly forming a queue?

Well, I will continue to beep my horn at these idiots, shake my head and ‘tut’ in that annoying derogative way. Then I shall lock all the doors, sit tight and pray, ‘Oh Lord, please won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?’

Want to contribute to the gair rhydd?

Meetings every Monday at 2.15

Februaury 7 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 13

opinion@gairrhydd.com

PLIGHT OF POVERTY

In the aftermath of the Asian tsunami Will Dean considers the less high profile suffering of others

T

his article was meant to be about Coca-Cola and their human-rights abuses in Columbia.

However, as I sifted through all the information about Coke’s business ethics (or lack of) I had a little epiphany. We all know that corporations such as Coke and McDonalds are evil shysters. You don’t need an uninformed student prat like me to tell you that: go and watch the Corporation or have a play on Google.

They’re all pretty bad, but we need them. I’d be struggling to write this piece without Microsoft Word and my Mitsubishi monitor.

We also know that governments are pretty bad. And again there’s not a lot we can do about it. People across the world are starving and dying while Tony Blair spends five days worth of Iraq military funds to support the aid effort in South East Asia. Put simply, the UK contributed £50 million in tsunami relief funds while it has spent £6 BILLION on an illegal war in Iraq.

Hmm.

“we all know that governments are pretty bad”

All in all, this didn’t give me a great deal to be optimistic about.

Since Boxing Day I have had a little faith restored. The amount of public donations at the time of writing has easily eclipsed those of the government. People around the world have joined together to do what ever they can. This may not mean a lot to those

teamed up to try and make 2005 the year when Britain sits up, unplugs its iPods and DVD players and does something about world poverty.

Their intention is to pressure the UK government, hosts of this year’s G8 summit, into making tackling AIDS and poverty one of their main goals. Their White Band campaign aims to raise both awareness and money of the problems of poverty.

Pick one up at your local Oxfam shop, they’re a bit like those trendy yellow Lance Armstrong ones, as sported by Jermaine Defoe amongst others.

“famine, war, drought and diseases”

whose lives have been devastated. But it’s the best we can do.

It often takes something as huge as the South Asian tsunami to wake us from a slumber. Not much attention was paid to one Osama bin Laden before September 11 2001, and not a huge amount of attention was paid to the threat of undersea earthquakes before December 26 2004.

So, what does it need for the world to start paying more attention to the disaster caused by poverty each and every day? If poverty causes 30,000 people to die a day, then it takes just over a week before the death toll is equal to that of the tsunami. Yet unlike natural disasters these deaths can, and should, be prevented.

Aids has taken the lives of over 20 million people and left 15 million orphaned. 95% of these live in developing countries. HIV can be treated,

“the disaster of poverty in Africa” the medicine is available. But millions of those who need it simply cannot afford it. One percent of Africans living with HIV/Aids have access to the appropriate medicine, a shameful figure. Famine, war, drought and other

diseases are attacking parts of the world with more force than even the mightiest of tidal waves could produce.

Live Aid seems a very long time ago. Say what you like about Bono, but at least the man cares.

You may have caught the Vicar of Dibley at New Year. I didn’t, ‘cause it’s crap. But Dawn French and co. managed to bring the nation’s attention to the poverty in Africa by showing a sombre reel of clips, detailing the devastating effect of AIDS, as the cast members stood in line wearing their white Make Poverty History bands.

Make Poverty History is a coalition of charities, and pressure groups have

With the disaster in South Asia, as well as continued troubles in Iraq and Israel and Sudan, 2005 hasn’t gotten off to the best of starts. We can do a little bit to remedy that. Go and get a white band.

In a press release last week Médecins Sans Frontières listed the 10 most underreportered humanitarian emergencies of 2004.

It included “soaring tuberculosis (TB) deaths and the immense toll on people living through chronic conflicts in Chechnya, Colombia, the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), and Northern Uganda”.

Visit their website for more information and to find out what you can do to help: www.msf.org

Embrace love for a healthy heart

By Bethany Whiteside

L

et’s face it, Valentine’s is just seen as the day when girls eagerly wait for chocolates and roses, and guys hope for sex.

Those who do bitch about it can be consigned to two categories a) those who are too ‘cool’ to comprehend celebrating such an emotion and b) losers who are sad and lonely, and in an attempt to save face, damn the event.

However, traditional criticism of Valentine’s Day stems from its commercialisation, causing it to be dismissed as a ‘Hallmark Holiday’, and not from its legendary origins which are an epic Hollywood tale of blood, death and forbidden love. Surely reason enough to celebrate?

Myth has it that the first Valentine was written by a Christian priest in AD270 to his jailer’s daughter, with whom he had fallen in love. The priest,

Valentine, had been imprisoned for continuing to marry young couples in secret, when marriage had been prohibited by Emperor Claudius II. Contrary to modern belief that men

“100 orgasms annually decrease the death rate by 36%” hate being tied down, this Roman believed the only way to make up the numbers in his army was to ban marriage, meaning men wouldn’t mind leaving their homes, wives and children.

At the same time thatValentine was

serving his sentence - to be beaten to death - the feast of Lupercalia, an annual festival of lust or fertility, was being celebrated. This can be taken in two ways; for all the manly men out there you have execution, copulation, and virginal maidens dancing in skimpy costumes. For the more romantically inclined, the priest dies in the name of love. What’s not to like?

Stemming from a fusion of Christian and contemporary beliefs, a number of quirks have sprung up from the 17th century. Not only are they part of British tradition, but some of them may actually work; so girls, consider this: If a robin flies overhead on Valentine’s Day you shall marry a sailor. If a sparrow, you will wed a poor man, but be blissfully happy. And if a goldfinch flies overhead, a millionaire will marry you.

At the very least, Valentine’s Day is

the perfect excuse to indulge, whilst reaping ‘healthy’ benefits. As if you need an excuse, an increase of 100 orgasms annually decreases the death rate by 36%. Perfect prescription = sex a week x2. As the saying goes…. an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

Even our Celtic neighbours, the Scottish Episcopal Church is celebrating the day, with (Shock! Horror!) the launch of a book on sex. If you wish to combine the two romantic classics, then chocolate, containing chemicals called catechins will help prevent heart disease and cancer.

For the stereotypical man, Valentine’s Day can be an occasion to have casual sex, (even singleton’s à la Bridget’s friend Shazzer will be feeling less feminist and seeking attention to restore confidence). The annual celebration can also be a ploy to get a girlfriend, keep a girlfriend, or dispose of one if wished, by uttering the

immortal words, ‘I forgot’ - always the easy option. Tick where applicable.

Of course the greatest reason in the world to celebrate is that you are actually in love, and are not afraid to show it. And according to the latest scientific research, the survival of the human race depends not on our animal instinct alone, but on that four letter emotion.

So, if you do not want to take a risk just for yourself, then do so in the name of mankind. It’s the perfect excuse if it all backfires.

Carrie

Page 14

Februrary 7 2005

columnist@gairrhydd.com

Carrie

FARWELL

GIVES AS GOOD AS SHE GETS

Glimmers of optimism in Iraq The world watches as Iraqis seize the long-awaited opportunity for a democratic and independent future

I

t seems that scepticism is a rising hallmark of the twenty-first century. Last Sunday the world witnessed a historic event that saw Iraqi voters partake in the country’s first, fully free election for half a century. But why were so many Western critics all too quick to denounce the elections and label them as an inevitable failure even before voters had managed to reach the polls?

Disillusionment with the presence of occupational forces is clearly a concern for the sceptics, but what actually is the current and practical alternative?

The reality is that the elections needed to go ahead, without them Iraq would have remained in a state of stagnant and deadly insurgency.

Of course the election couldn’t fully calm Iraq’s current state of chaos, but it brought the country several steps out of the shadows that were cast by Saddam’s tyrannous regime, and closer to political freedom.

Last Sunday’s election saw Iraqi citizens vote for a 275-member transitional national assembly. The role of this new assembly will be to select a state presidency council and draft a new constitution for Iraq ahead of the elections in December this year.

Success The election weekend was declared a three-day holiday and curfews were imposed on all Iraqi citizens. Extra police were deployed and roads were only open to emergency vehicles because of increased threats by insurgents.

But, despite the pockets of polling violence and voter intimidation, the elections were hailed as a triumph for democracy in Iraq.

The country’s interim Prime Minister, Iyad Allawi, formerly declared the voting a success and later called for Iraqis to unite and overcome their differences.

Although Allawi’s claim that the elections were a “victory over terrorism”, the success remains relative to the continued resistance. A stable democracy cannot be built in a day, and exactly how long it will take Iraq to consolidate a secure and representative government is unknown.

Problems ahead Iraq’s new transitional government will take a while to emerge and problems between secular and religious groups will persist in the assembly.

The main problem lies in the assembly’s representation of Iraq’s Sunni Muslims, who make up twenty per cent of the total population. Sunni voters largely felt too frightened or resentful to mark their ballots, and they run the risk of being underrepresented in the assembly. This will serve to maintain the divide between Sunni insurgents and Iraq’s government, hampering the democratic process considerably.

A stable democracy cannot be built in a day It will therefore be the subtle task of the assembly to integrate the alienated Sunnis into the political forum; otherwise they are sure to continue fuelling the insurrection. The Baathists and oldstyle nationalists who aim to derail democracy must be eradicated, but at the moment it is unclear if this can be done by negotiation or military force.

Iraq’s intelligence chief recently estimated that there were 40,000 fighters and another 160,000 active supporters, twice as many as the estimates last autumn. These figures show that the growing resistance cannot be countered

by Iraqi troops alone; overcoming the rebels requires coalition force and guidance.

Exit strategy Part of the exit strategy for occupying forces is a mentoring scheme that aims to recruit and train Iraqi troops for the frontline. This would enable the coalition to begin a phased withdrawal and establish the freedom that President Bush advocated so vehemently in his inaugural address last month.

The current levels of US troops are expected to remain in Iraq until 2007 at least, allowing time for negotiation and possible national reconciliation.

Of course the coalition forces’ exit strategy will fully depend on the rulings of the new assembly. Few Iraqi’s want foreign forces in the country and view them as a sustained target for rebel resistance. If the assembly call for occupying forces to pull out of Iraq then George Bush will have to defer to his rhetoric of freedom and grant Iraq its sovereignty.

Likewise, the reception of the Iraqi

elections by the rest of the Arab world will also be important to coalition leaders. The democratic vacuum that defines Iraq’s Arab counterparts will play a role in the Western war on terror and pursuit of global freedom. The Iraqi elections may even be seen as a catalyst for further change in the Muslim world.

Price of freedom Equally, imitating Iraq’s chaotic pursuit of democracy may not be a desirable course for others. Choosing between paying the bloody price for freedom and tolerating the authoritarian regimes that they are used to will be a hard decision for the Middle East.

At least Iraq has now been given the opportunity to make this decision. A choice between a democratic government and a regime dictated by Baathists and jihadist theocrats is now offered to Iraqi citizens.

The road to stability will be long and challenging, but democracy is nonetheless emerging. Iraq’s transition from autocracy to autonomy shouldn’t be overlooked by critics who take their own independence for granted.

Western sceptics should offer support to Iraq as it undergoes a new wave of political evolution.

FALLEN LEADER: The two faces of Saddam Hussein

Defining lives in Sudan

A

REPORT HAS been published by the United Nations declaring that the actions of the Sudanese government do not amount to genocide.

A UN commission investigating the conflict in Darfur said that government and state-sponsored militias engaged in "widespread and systematic abuse" that may constitute crimes against humanity, but it stopped short of calling the violence genocide.

It seems that the use of the "g" word is the source of much international debate and disagreement, and not only in reference to Sudan.

In 1994, the US government failed to identify the mass killings in Rwanda as genocide. Fearing that intervention and UN peacekeeping would fall on the shoulders of US soldiers, the Clinton administration was reluctant to recognise the frenzied slaughtering with an official label.

Now though, the US is willing to defy the findings of the UN commission by maintaining that events in Darfur are tantamount to genocide.

The American Congress and State Department and

the European Parliament have previously branded the violence in Western Sudan with this label. Now, in light of the commission, the US state department spokesman Richard Boucher has stated that that the government stands by this conclusion.

According to the UN report, Sudan’s Islamist government and its militia allies have killed, tortured and raped civilians, and have sometimes committed acts with "genocidal intent".

The blurred phrasing of this assessment creates nothing but inconsistency for the international community and its history of intervention. The killing of civilians, destruction of villages, sexual violence, pillaging and forced displacements are all unequivocally worthy of the genocide label.

But the point is not to reach agreement on defining Darfur’s atrocities, either way thousands of people are dying. Instead, concordance should be reached on the actions required to counter the corruption in Sudan.

Crimes against humanity need international attention, regardless of what a few legislators constitute as genocide.

Agree? Disagree? Email me at columnist@gairrhydd.com

Political Opinion

February 7 2004

Page 15

politics@gairrhydd.com

With friends like these... Call it quits Kilroy

By Andrew Mickel

P BIG FREEZE: Will there be a thaw in the frost between Blair and Brown?

By Daniel Stanton

T

he divisions between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have become more apparent in recent weeks, leading party members to fear that Labour’s election hopes will be damaged as a result.

The Prime Minister scheduled his monthly press conference at 10 am on January 17, the same time as the Chancellor delivered his plan for poverty relief in Africa, in what appeared to be a deliberate attempt to assert his authority over Brown.

Downing Street claimed that the clash was unfortunate but necessary, as the Prime Minister needed to travel to Yorkshire later in the day. The Chancellor had announced his press conference weeks in advance, while Blair’s was arranged at 24 hours’ notice.

BBC News 24 and Sky News broadcast the two press conferences side by side using a split screen, but broadcast the sound feed from Blair's speech. Viewers could choose to hear Brown talk about his Marshall Plan for Africa only by pressing their red button for interactive services.

Gordon Brown spent much of January touring sub-Saharan Africa to announce his plans for debt relief for countries like Tanzania and Mozambique, and took the opportunity to present a friendlier, more approachable image of himself. This could have been the first step towards mounting an eventual leadership challenge.

Brown was felt by many to have

taken much of the credit for Britain's donation to the tsunami-hit countries in Asia, which he set at around £100 million. Blair was on holiday with his family in the Egyptian resort of Sharm-el-Sheikh at the time of the disaster and chose not to return early.

Soon after his return, Blair told journalists that Britain's contribution was likely to be larger, running into "hundreds of millions", in what was seen as an attempt to regain the media spotlight.

Although Blair faced criticism for continuing his holiday, he claimed to be in contact with his government almost hourly. In his absence, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott was left in charge, but Brown, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, made headlines with the size of Britain's contribution, which at one point was the largest made by any single country.

There have been rumours of disaffection between the two for many years, and insiders claim that Brown will be removed from the post of Chancellor after the next election, assuming that Labour win. He is expected to be offered the post of Foreign Secretary instead.

However, James Wolfensohn, President of the World Bank, has announced that he will step down at the end of May, shortly after the likely date of the General Election. Brown may decide to apply for the post.

The reported rift between the two is said to have its roots in a deal made before Labour's 1997 election victory.

They met in Granita, an Islington restaurant, in 1994, shortly after the death of John Smith, the party leader

at the time.

It was claimed that in return for Brown's endorsement and withdrawal from the leadership contest, Blair agreed to hand over the leadership to him eventually. After the Prime Minister decided to stand for a third term, this now looks unlikely to happen. In a forthcoming biography of the Chancellor, following this decision he is alleged to have told Blair: "There is nothing that you could say to me now that I could ever believe."

The growing dissent in the party also highlights the lack of any strong opposition to Labour from any of the other main parties.

Michael Howard’s criticism of the Prime Minister has rarely received as much coverage as the alleged feud between Blair and Brown. As the General Election draws closer, he has been forced to adopt ever more rightwing policies on issues such as immigration in an attempt to differentiate the Conservatives from the party in power.

In the past, he has complained about Labour stealing his party’s ‘clothes’ – moving their party policy to the right and occupying what was traditionally the Tory position. This has made it very difficult for Howard to challenge Labour’s policies without shifting his own party’s position on particular topics.

With Conservative insiders such as Lynton Crosby already admitting defeat, it seems Michael Howard’s best chance of entering office is to sit back and hope that Labour’s infighting causes the party to self-destruct before May.

olitics can often seem to be a dry and dull business, full of grey men in grey suits, picking over policy minutiae.

This is why we should all be grateful for Robert Kilroy-Silk, the orange man in a grey suit.

Up until now in his political career, Kilroy has always managed a careful balance of being a sideline attraction to most of the public, but offering a limited and truly damaging view of the world to the extreme right inside the UK Independence Party (UKIP).

There has always been something of a perma-tan car crash about the man. It is horrific to watch what is going on, but at the same time it’s hard not to be engrossed. Well, it’s alright for everyone to look now.

Even UKIP are glad to have him off their hands; that last modicum of respect that even they had for him has vanished. Kilroy is political road kill and can finally become a fulltime punch line.

Quitting UKIP because they aren’t Europhobic enough would always be a difficult task to manage, and it is only the man’s impressive ego that manages it. To set up a new party called ‘Veritas’ (that means ‘truth’ in Latin, for any keen followers of irony) is ballsy.

To base it upon the ‘Commonwealth Party’, of which the only traceable note is a slightly Orwellian logo, is undertaking a virtually insurmountable task. But when even the ‘Vote for Kilroy’ website tries to register interest and manages only seven comments, alarm bells should start ringing for Kilroy.

A weekly column in the barely audible Sunday Express—where he is able to write about ‘suicide bombers, limb-amputators, women repressors’ twice before anyone notices—isn’t going to attract much interest.

After a barely detectable general election attempt, Kilroy will hope-

fully lie down and not get up again (politically, of course).

It is a simple and reassuring fact that those who stray far enough from mainstream political opinion are simply ignored. In the last ten years, the tattered wreckages of the Referendum Party, increasingly UKIP and even Respect show that at the fringes you get one shot at glory before the funds start running short.

Indeed, the fringe right as a whole is such a self-contained realm run by such a tiny minority that it tends not to trouble the real world. Indeed, John Lockart, the founder of the Commonwealth Party, has also been linked to setting up ‘Veritas’.

Lockart manages to finds the time to direct policy at the ‘New Party’ and aims for the downfall of UKIP. Indeed, the harder you look,

“Kilroy will hopefully lie down and not get up again (politically, of course)” the harder it is to find any real content anywhere; normally one bombastic boast and a lot of hot air.

The same few people are running several groups at once, and the only way any party can survive in even the most basic sense is to find a wealthy and unhinged benefactor with more money than sense.

It is this that suggests Veritas may survive amongst the flotsam and jetsam of extreme political parties for at least a while; Kilroy has both the ego and the funds to keep such a venture alive. But now his moment in the sun is over, it may be time to head back to the sunbed.

When UKIP, the New Party, and the even more implausible English Democrats don’t want you, it’s time to call it a day.

Biblical George Bush targets world tyranny

By Andrew Rennison

I

t is perhaps fitting that George W. Bush is so devout in his own Christianity, for the inaugural speech that christened his second term in office was no less than Biblical in its proportions.

How far a cry it was from the President’s previous initiation four long years when Washington coldly received a controversially elected commander-in-chief. One atrocity and two wars later, a mandated George Bush has risen to a position of power that was unimaginable in the winter of 2000.

And his words, on such shaky ground last time around, now have the

background with which to rouse and chill the blood in equal measure.

Bush’s inaugural speech was, in many respects, without revelation or revolution. The hammered-out rhetoric in which he places so much faith was, of course, present and correct.

But unlike the indifference of four years ago, people throughout the world could be excused for hanging on his every word.

‘The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world,’ was the line that formed the President’s opening point; one that may well have pricked up ears in Iran and North Korea.

Talk of ‘expansion of freedom’ from any other source would conjure up thoughts of fostering democracy abroad through diplomatic and eco-

nomic means. However, the only expansion exercised by Bush that the world has witnessed is that which has been led by force.

It is therefore understandable that many took this sentence as a threat, rather than as a proposal. Bush’s use of the phrase ‘all the world’ lent him an all-encompassing, omnipresent quality that further added to this sense of foreboding.

Despite hereby setting the precedent for a speech riddled with stalwart Republican assertions, the President’s address threw up the odd surprise.

Openly addressing the ‘peoples of the world’, Bush pledged that, ‘All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors.’

This commitment was met with interest by those quarters that are critical of US foreign relations, particularly those with the regime in Saudi Arabia. Despite severe condemnation from human rights organisations, the ruling Saudi Royal family remain close US allies. They also oversee the largest petroleum reserves in the world.

Any alterations in such international relationships would undoubtedly be significant, but with the attention so focused on Iraq, the Bush administration can afford to ignore other contentious issues.

But by far the most striking point that one was left with from this inauguration speech was indeed the Biblical proportions of Bush’s vision for the world before him.

He declared, ‘From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights’, and that therefore he sought ‘the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world’. Not even Kennedy, about to preside over years of utmost Communist threat, was so gargantuan in his objectives.

No longer does America have borders. Contrary to the above claim, the founding fathers did not apply their principles to every person on earth, but to those of the new country they envisaged.

Bush has quietly taken this vision and forcibly applied it to all nations; thus, he feels he has not only the power but the right to ‘Americanise’ our world. The next 48 months will, if nothing else, be interesting.

Taf-Od

Tud 16

7 Chwefror 2005

tafod@gairrhydd.com

Yr Hen Elyn?

Gan Amanda Hill Salisbury, Wiltshire Gohebydd FEL SAIS SY’N byw yng Nghymru am y tro cyntaf, credaf ei fod yn wych bod gan y Cymry balchder yn eu diwylliant a iaith.

Fel umrhyw gwlad byddaf yn symud iddo, mae gen i awydd i ddysgu am y dywilliant a ychydig o’r iaith. Yn yr un modd, mae gennai balchder yn fy hanes a diwylliant i. Dydw i ddim yn gweld paham dylai fod yn esgusodol o fod yn Saesneg ac yn yr un modd

Gan Hayley Skinner Poole, Dorset Gohebydd CYN DOD I brifysgol nid oedd gennai unrhyw rhagdybiadau am Gymru, roeddwn yn gwybod bod ganddynt iaith eu hyn ac felly roeddwn i’n ofni na fyddaf yn gallu deall unrhywun. Erbyn hyn dwi’n gwybod mwy! Yn gyntaf, maen edrych fel nad oes llawer o Gymry yng Nghaerdydd. Efallai dwi’n cael yr argraff anghywir, ond wrth fyw yma nghanol myfyrwyr dyma beth dwi’n ei weld.

Nid yw llawer o’r Cymry dwi wedi dod ar draws yn gallu siarad mwy o Gymraeg na fi, mi oedd hyn yn syndod. Er efallai maent yn colli allan oherwydd diffyg gallu siarad

does gen I ddim hawl i batroneisio’r Cymry.

Gwelaf dim byd yn anghywir mewn cael level iachus o giprys

“ Nid oes gan sylwadau anghlodus unrhywbeth i wneud a balchder...senoffobia bychan ydyw”

Cymraeg, maent yn gwneud i fynu am hyn gydai balchder o fod yn Gymry.

Mae gweld y baneri dros y ddinas, pawb yn gwisgo crysau Cymru a’r

“Gall ni’r Saeson dysgu llawer oddi wrth y Cymry o ran cefnogi ein gwlad.”

Gan Bethan Samuel Swansea Gohebydd MAE PENCAMPWRIAETH y Chwe Gwlad ar fin dechrau, a dydy gobeithion Cymru ddim wedi bod mor uchel ers oesoedd.

Ar ôl y perfformiadau calonogol yng ngemau rhyngwladol yr Hydref yn erbyn De Affrica, Rwmania, Seland Newydd a Siapan, mae’r Cymry yn llawn hyder newydd.

Does dim syndod fod sêr enwog fel Joe Rokocoko o Seland Newydd yn awgrymu fod gan tîm Cymru y ddawn i ennill y bencampwriaeth eleni. Yn amlwg, er mwyn cyrraedd yr uchelgais yma mae angen i ni ddechrau curo’r gwledydd mawr, a nid dim ond codi braw arnynt fel y wnaethon ni yn ddiweddar yn y

Thomas: Capten Cymru Thomas: The Welsh Captain

mewn chwaraeon. Fe fyddaf yn gweneud hwyl ar ben fy ffrindiau Cymraeg pam rydym ni’n curo nhw, a byddaf yn disgwyl yr un peth oddi wrthyn nhw. Ar y llaw arall nid yw balchder neu cenedlaetholdeb yn esgus i gasau gwledydd eraill.

Nid oes gan sylwadau anghlodus unrhywbeth i wneud a balchder o dy gefndir. Yn fy marn i, senoffobia bychan ydyw. Ni welaf gwrthgyferbyniad rhwng bod yn fach o fod yn Saesneg a mwynhau byw yn diwylliant Cymru.

tafandai yn orlawn ar ddydd y gêm yn drawiadol. Mae’n wych bod pawb i weld I fod yn gwybod yr Anthem Cenedlaethol yma yng Nghymru, er nid efallai ei hystur. Credaf bod gall ni’r Saeson dysgu llawer oddi wrth y Cymry o ran cefnogi ein gwlad.

Dwi hefyd yn hoff o gefn gwlad Cymru, yn arbennig mynyddoedd Eryri a’r Bannau Brycheniog. Mae Cymru yn wir yn wlad brydferth. Yn anffodus, mae Cymru yn cael mwy na ei siar o dywydd gwlyb, enwedig pam dwi ar fin gadael y ty ar fy meic. Yn y pen draw, dwi’n credo fy mod i wedi ffurfio barn teg o Gymru dros y dwy flynedd a hanner ddwethaf, er fallau ei fod yn farn yn deillio o fy profiad cysgodol o’r gymuned myfyriol. gemau llawn cyffro yn erbyn De Affrica a Seland Newydd.

Mae ‘na siawns i ni i gipio un o’r buddugoliaethau enwog yma yng ngem cyntaf y bencampwriaeth, sef yn erbyn Lloegr yn Stadiwm y Mileniwm.

Fe fydd awyrgylch rhyfeddol yn y stadiwm ar gyfer y gem yma – mae pob tocyn wedi cael ei werthu ers misoedd. Mae’n hen bryd i dîm Cymru ailadrodd yr helynt o Wembley 1999, a churo’r Saeson.

Efallai bod yr arwyr fel Scott Gibbs a Neil Jenkins wedi hen ymddeol o’r gem rhyngwladol, ond mae ‘na fwy na digon o chwaraewyr dawnus yn y garfan presennol sydd yn gallu annog tîm Cymru ymlaen at y fuddugoliaeth holl bwysig.

Mae pencampwriaeth eleni yn mynd i fod yn un arbennig o gyffrous, gan fod taith y Llewod yn mynd i Seland Newydd ar ddiwedd y tymor.

Fe fydd llawer o gystadleuaeth ymhlith chwaraewyr Cymru, Lloegr, Iwerddon, a’r Alban am lefydd ar y daith. Fe fydd Clive Woodward, hyfforddwr y Llewod a chyn hyfforddwr Lloegr, yn gwylio pob gem yn ofalus er mwyn darganfod y chwaraewyr mwya’ dawnus.

Mae Saeson fel Will Carling wedi bod yn dadlau fod ddim unrhyw gyfle i Gymru i ennill y bencampwriaeth – dywedodd, "You’re not tough enough!" Yr ateb perffaith bydde i faeddu nhw ar dydd Sadwrn, er mwyn dangos i bawb ein bod ni’n digon cymwys o berfformio ar y lefel uchaf o’r gem rhyngwladol.

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Hwlffordd, Sir Benfro Golygydd Taf-Od

YN GYNTAF, croeso i gyfrol dwyieithog cyntaf Taf-Od. Ein gobaith yw i gwneud Taf-Od yn fwy agored ac i ddangos bod yna lle iddo o fewn gair rhydd.

Mae rhai yn honni nad oes lle i bolisi dwyieithog yn y brifysgol neu adran Gymraeg yn y papur. Yn gyntaf credaf bod y teitl "gair rhydd" yn golygu bod gan ni’r Cymry gymaint o hawl i fynegi barn yn Gymraeg ag y rhai sy’n ysgrifennu yn Saesneg.Yn ôl y cyfrif mae hyd at 10% o’r brifysgol yn siaradwyr Cymraeg, ac felly credaf bod hyn yn rifau ddigonol i gyfiawnhau’r bolisi.

Dywed ystadegau bod 10 iaith yn marw pob blwyddyn, na ddylai prifysgol prifddinas Cymru gwneud ei ran i amddiffyn yr iaith?

Ar y llaw arall mae’n anodd ambell waith deall o ble mae’r agweddau sydd yn ail natur i mi yn dod ohono. Dywedodd Catatonia "Everyday when I wake up I thank the Lord I’m Welsh" ac i mi mae hyn yn wir. Mae gen i balchder yn fy treftadaeth a’m diwylliant. Pam mae gennai’r balchder yma ni fyddaf byth yn gallu esbonio.

Mae yna bron ryw obsesiwn afiach gennym ni bod yr ‘hen elyn’ ar y cae i fod yn wrthrych o ein holl gasineb fel genedl, "as long as we beat the English we don’t care"?

Mae’n wir bod bron i bob Cymro a Chymraes gefnogi dau dim, Cymru a phwy bynnag sy’n chwarae yn erbyn Lloegr. Ond a yw hwn yn deg?

Os mae’n bosibl i ein chwaraewyr ymuno i ffurfio’r Llewod a gweithio ar y cyd nad ydyw hi’n bryd i’r gweddill ohonom gwneud yr un peth?

Stadiwm y Mileniwm: Caetref Cymru The Millenium Stadium: The home of Welsh Rugby

Gan David Ford Chippenham, Wiltshire Gohebydd YN GYNTAF, RHAID i mi ddweud fy mod i wedi’n ngeni a magu yn Lloegr. Er hyn, rwy’n anghytuno gyda fy ffrind sy’n honni taw Prydeiniwr ydw i a nid Sais. Dwi’n hefyd anghytuno gyda ffrind arall sydd yn honni taw Cymro ydyw a nid Prydeiniwr. Mae gan y Cymry awydd i gofio eu hanes a cymryd parch yn ei diwylliant. Credaf bod hyn yn beth da.

Yn anffodus, rwy’n teimlo bod y cenedlaetholdeb yma ar adegau yn croesi’r ffin i tiriogaeth peryglus jingoaeth. Mae hyn yn gallu dod mewn sawl ffurf. Er enghraifft, defnyddio cyffrediniadau dybryd am y Saeson, megis bod ymddygiad a rhefru y

lleiafrif o hwliganiaid pêl droed yn cael ei defnyddio fel rheswm i gasáu pob Sais. Dwi hefyd wedi canfod styfnigrwydd a choegni ar y ddau ochr yn tarddu o ac yn creu hirwg. Mae’r Saeson more euog a’r Cymry am wneud hyn. Yn ogystal, mae yna annerbyniad cyffredinol i’r syniad bod nad yw integreiddio rhyngwladol o’r reidrwydd yn golygu cymrodedd o unoliaeth cenedlaethol neu diwylliant.

Enghraifft arall yw’r Cymry yn ysgrifennu eu cenedlaetholdeb fel Cymraeg yn hytrach na Prydeinig ar ddogfennau cyfreithiol oherwydd eu bod yn teimlo bod cael eu dodi mewn gyda’r Saeson yn llygru eu statws fel Cymry. Yn fy marn i mae hyn nid yn unig yn bitw ond mewn gwirionedd yn senoffobia wedi’i wisgo fel cenedlaetholdeb.

Taf-Od

February 7 2005

Page 17

tafod@gairrhydd.com

The Old Enemy?

By Elgan Iorwerth Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire Taf-Od Editor

Llun gan/Picture By: Sam Cullen

WELCOME TO the first bilingual edition of Taf-Od! Hopefully the addition of an English translation will show where Taf-Od fits in within gair rhydd as a whole.

Some people are very vocal on this topic, claiming that there is no room for a bilingual policy in the University or for a Welsh section in the newspaper. I disagree.

Firstly, I feel that our title, gair rhydd - "free word" in English enables those of us who speak Welsh to express our views in our mother tongue as much as those who do so in English.

Secondly, around ten per cent of Cardiff University’s population speak Welsh, and as such I feel that this is a sufficient number to justify a bilin-

gual policy. Around ten languages die annually around the world. Shouldn’t the Welsh capital’s University do its part to protect Welsh?

I freely admit I have no idea where my patriotism and attitudes come from. Catatonia said "Everyday, when I wake up, I thank the Lord I’m Welsh," and I truly do. I have great pride in my heritage and culture. Why I do so is something I will never fully be able to explain.

On the other hand, perhaps sporting rivalries on the field have become an unhealthy obsession, influencing how we view the English off the field. It is often claimed that every Welshman supports two teams, Wales and whoever is playing England. But is this fair?

If rugby players from all over the United Kingdom can merge to form the Lions and work together, isn’t it time the rest of us to do the same?

By David Ford Chippenham, Wiltshire Contributor I WAS BORN and raised in England. I disagree with a friend’s claims that this makes me British and not English. However, I also disagree with another friend who is adamant that he is Welsh but not British. I accept many Welsh people’s desire to acknowledge their roots and take pride in the Welsh culture and heritage. I think that this is a good and a healthy thing.

However, I do feel that this patriotism can sometimes cross the line into the unwelcome territory of jingoism.

This can take various forms. For instance, crass generalisations about the English, such as using the actions

of a minority of football hooligans as a legitimate reason for hating all English fans of any sport. I have also encountered continued stubbornness and contempt, both due to resentment and breeding it, on both sides of the border; I’ve known the English to be guilty of this too. Furthermore, there is a general refusal to accept the idea that international integration does not necessarily mean compromising national identity and culture.

For instance, if someone writes their nationality as Welsh rather than British (their legal nationality) on a legal document because they feel that calling themselves British would somehow soil their status as a patriotic Welshman. I find this not only petty, but frankly xenophobia masquerading as national pride.

By Amanda Hill Salisbury, Wiltshire Contributor AS AN ENGLISH person living in Wales for the first time, I think it’s great that the Welsh have pride in their culture and language.

As with any country I might live in, I’d want to find out about that culture, and try and learn some of the language. Equally, I should be allowed to be proud of my own culture.

By Hayley Skinner Poole, Dorset Contributor I DIDN’T HAVE any preconceptions about Wales before coming to Cardiff University, apart from knowing that they had their own language and being a little scared that I wouldn’t be able to understand anybody. Now I’ve learnt a lot more!

Firstly, there don’t appear to be many Welsh people in Cardiff. Maybe it’s just because I am stuck in the student community, but that is my impression!

I have also found that many of the Welsh people I have met don’t appear

By Bethan Samuel Swansea Contributor THE SIX NATIONS 2005 are nearly upon us and Welsh hopes couldn’t be higher. Following inspired performances in the autumn against South Africa, Romania, New Zealand and Japan, the Welsh side is full of confidence.

It’s no wonder that famous stars including New Zealand’s Joe Rokocoko are tipping Wales for the Championship. Clearly though, to reach this goal and compete alongside the biggest rugby playing nations, Wales need to raise their game further.

Perhaps the biggest test will come in the opening game against World Champions England, who will be looking to improve on their below-par performance in last year’s championship. Tickets for the game sold out

I don’t see why I should be apologetic about being English and equally, I don’t think that I have any right to be patronising about the Welsh. I see nothing wrong with a level of healthy sporting rivalry either. I will happily take the mickey out of Welsh

“ Derogatory comments about other countries have nothing to do with being proud of where you come from...it’s just petty xenophobia”

to be able to speak any more Welsh than I can, which is surprising.

However, what they lack in vocabulary is made up for by their patriotism. The

“ I think the English could learn a lot from the Welsh about supporting their country” flags all around town, the people in Welsh shirts and the packed-out pubs on rugby match days have really impressed me. I also think it is brilliant that they all seem to know the months ago, ensuring that the atmosphere inside the Millennium Stadium will be incredible.

So, is it time for a repeat of the drama seen at Wembley in 1999 when Wales halted England’s hopes of victory in the last ever Five Nations Championship? While Scott Gibbs and Neil Jenkins may have retired, Wales still have plenty of talented players, including captain Gareth Thomas and Tom Shanklin, who could potentially drive the Welsh on to a famous victory.

Adding to the importance of this year’s championship is the impending British Lions’ Tour in June. With players from

friends when we beat them at rugby, and I expect them to be equally ruthless if they beat us.

However, I don’t think that pride in your country has to turn into dislike of other nations.

Derogatory comments about other countries have nothing to do with being proud of where you come from. In my opinion, it’s just petty xenophobia. I don’t think it is a contradiction to like the fact that I’m English as well as to enjoy living in the different culture of Wales.

Welsh National Anthem, although not necessarily what it means. I think us English could learn a lot from the Welsh about supporting their country.

Another thing I like about Wales is the wildness of the countryside, especially on the hills up round the Brecon Beacons and Snowdonia. It is a very beautiful country.

However, there does seem to be an extraordinary amount of wet, grey weather, especially when I am about to cycle somewhere.

Overall, I have formed a very good opinion of Wales and its people in my two-and-a-half years here, even if I have been sheltered by the student culture.

England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland all eligible for selection in Clive Woodward’s team, there’ll be intense competition for places. The former England coach will be watching each and every game carefully to select the players capable of winning the tour.

Former England captain Will Carling refutes claims that Wales can win the Championship, saying that the Welsh side are ‘not tough enough’. For Wales, the best reply would be a continuation of the form they have shown in the last six months, and the Six Nations trophy.

Email us with your comments: tafod@gairrhydd.com or text 07734 297223

Robinson: Capten Lloegr Robinson: The English Captain

Health

Page 18

February 7 2005

health@gairrhydd.com

Are you aching for some relief?

Most people have suffered from a headache at one time or another, but few know how or why they occur. This fortnight Health looks at different types of headaches and how they can be avoided.

Sinus

Hormonal

Migrane

Tension/Stress

Symptoms

Why?

Treatment

Avoidance

Massaging your neck and head yourself can reduce the tightness of your scalp and release some tension. You can also try dabbing a bit of peppermint oil on your temples or 4Head to relax the muscles. If you want to take a painkiller then try and take it before the headache gets any stronger because after this point it is harder to reduce the pain.

Try relaxing in order to tackle your stress. Taking up activities such as yoga or swimming on a regular basis can help you relax. Alternativly, try anger-relieving activities such as kickboxing and dancing to release pent up tensions. You can also try acupuncture, herbal remedies and aromatherapy. Lavender is best for stress so light some smelly candles in your room when stressed.

A dull and throbbing pain across both sides of your head which is accompanied by a tight sensation across your brows, forehead and scalp.

You may also have sore and tight shoulder muscles and a stiff neck.

(However, a tight sensation around the whole head and forhead can also indicate fatigue.)

Stress causes the muscles in your neck and head to tense up. This results in an expansion of the blood vessels which cause a headache.

Throbbing pain usually on one side of your head coupled with light sensitivity and nausea.

You may also experience fuzzy vision and numbness to the face.

A migraine can last from four hours to three days

Migraines make up only 6 percent of headaches. They typically effect women more than men and usually run in the family.

No one really knows why migraines begin, but they have been linked to allergies, certain foods, temperature changes, sinus infections, stress, trapped nerves, alcohol and caffeine and hormonal changes.

If you are nauseous painkillers may aggrivate sickness. Relax in a dark room with an ice pack on your forehead. Try using an acupressure band and drinking ginger tea or tablets to reduce the nausea. If you do use a painkiller, avoid those with codeine as they shut down digestion. If you are looking for an alternative try the herb Feverfew. In a BMJ trial 72 percent of sufferers found a significant change in their attacks.

Throbbing pain that occurs two or three days before your period, or on the day you begin to bleed.

Dr MacGregor from the City of London migraine Clinic suggests that "Pre-bleed pain is believed to be triggered by falling oestrogen levels in the body, while pain on the day your period starts is linked to chemicals called prostaglandins that control uterine cramping."

If you can, sleep off the headache in a dark room, but if this is not possible you can try burning aromatherapy oils, including Clay Sage, Chamomile and Rose which specifically tackle the root, rather than the resulting headache.

However, the painkiller Feminax is very effective as it is designed to limit progesterone release.

This is usually coupled with a cold or flu with pain in the middle of the face, around the eyes and across the cheeks. You may also have a blocked nose and mucus in your throat.

Your sinuses are across the forehead and behind the eyes and cheeks so when the lining of these swell, the pressure can cause a headache. However, having a cold usually means you are run-down which makes you more suseptibly to headaches anyhow.

Try your GP for some decongestants or treat at home with a Lemsip drink which should contain a decongestant.

Alternatively try breathing in the steam from a bowl of hot (not boiling) water as this will thin the nasal fluid. 1tsp of horseradish can also help.

Health in brief Wetherspoons to ban smoking

By Jess Boydell Health Editor THE POPULAR pub chain Wetherspoons has announced that it is to ban smoking in all 650 of its outlets by May next year.

Alongside this, 60 of its pubs, which include those in Bristol, Glasgow, Birmingham and London, will be implementing a ban from May this year.

This move comes after a White Paper in Public Health was passed last November proposing a UK wide ban by 2008.

Anti-smoking and medical groups have long been campaining for a full ban on smoking, however the governments plans will only include venues which serve food.

Chairman of Wetherspoons, Tim Martin, criticised the government’s no-smoking proposals saying that their “approach to the issue of a smoking ban does not make sense since pubs can get around it by giving up food sales.”

BREATHE EASY: No more smoke Mr Martin said: “We believe the Wetherspoon approach of a complete ban after a period of notice is the right one.

“We have pioneered non-smoking areas but we now feel it is the right time to go one step further.”

While the forthcoming ban for this May will not include Cardiff branches, Cardiff University students have voiced their support.

“If Wetherspoons have decided to ban smoking it is potentially a landmark move towards a complete ban on smoking in public places”, said third year English Literature student William.

“It’s such a popular chain, that its success probably wouldn’t suffer.”

Wetherspoons joins Pizza Hut in its early ban, hoping that other influential chains will join the trend.

Learn to recognise the triggers by keeping a headache diary, accounting for your eating patterns. Often migraines are affected by food so avoid those containing tyramine which aggravate migraines. These include cheese, nuts, pizza and red wine.

Reduce your stress levels with exercise and meditation.

Experts believe vitamin B2 and magnesium supplements may reduce the frequency of migraines.

Hangover Because alcohol is a diuretic it forces fluid out of the body which means you become dehydrated and low in necessary minerals. You tend to lose potassium which is necessary in balancing your body’s fluid levels.

Bananas are an excellent source of both this and magnesium- a mineral which helps in controlling blood sugar levels.

Try alternating each alcoholic drinks with a glass of water throughout the night. However, it is essential water is drunk to avoid dehydration anyway.

Orgasm

Some people, as they reach orgasm, get a short sharp headache which has been linked to the dilation of blood vessels which occurs during sex.

However, because this may be a sign of something more serious, you should These types of headaches tend to be visit your GP. regular and if you know your due date, you can plan for the headache in advance. In the week before try to reduce your fat and alcohol intake and Did you know? take a milk thistle supplement.

Feverfew may also help as can oestrogen supplements supplied by your doctor. Ginger tea the day before the headache can also help.

Keep colds and flu’s away by eating fruit and vegetables regularly to keep your vitamin C up. Nuts and seeds also contain Zinc which is as good for tackling colds.

Avoid your sinuses becoming very blocked by putting a vapour rub on your chest and pillow at night and using nasal sprays.

"Colds" are caused by viruses?

That is why antibiotics are useless for their treatment.

For advice on best mangement of cold symptoms contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel: 029 20874810

Science

Page 19

February 7 2005

science@gairrhydd.com

The Science of the Tsunami Six weeks on and the scientific world is looking for the truth behind the tsunami

Satellite photos of Banda Aceh, Indonesia. LEFT: before the tsunami RIGHT: after the destruction

By Chris Matthews

Science Editor

N

o one will forget Boxing Day 2004, a day when a shift of tectonic plates started a chain of disastrous events in the Indian Ocean.

At around 8am local time a 1200 kilometre stretch of the IndoAustralian plate slipped 20 metres under the Burma plate with enough force to generate a magnitude 9 earthquake. The quake released as much energy as 20,000 atom bombs, sending shockwaves travelling east and west at speeds of up to 500 miles per hour.

The vertical movement of the tectonic plates shifted the column of water above the fault line creating the 50cm high waves characteristic of a

tsunami. These short and fast waves soon reached shallower waters where they slowed in speed and gained in height. The largest of these waves was able to cause destruction as much as 2km inland. Thirteen countries were eventually damaged by the tsunami which left 226,000 dead and millions homeless.

Disaster Tsunamis do not occur solely as a result of earthquakes. Volcanoes and meteorite impacts also have the potential to generate devastating waves. It is also not every undersea earthquake that triggers a tsunami - just three days before the Boxing Day disaster a magnitude 8.1 quake was recorded in the ocean between Tasmania and Antarctica. This quake was different

from the quake in the Indian Ocean where there were no vertical tectonic plate movements to prevent tsunami waves from forming.

Tsunamis in the last hundred years have affected far less populated areas than the Indonesian coastline. The most damaging was in 1976 when the south-west Philippines was hit by waves which claimed 8000 deaths.

Warnings The disaster has prompted many people to question the absence of a dedicated tsunami warning system in the Indian Ocean despite prior concern from the University of Melbourne about the Sumatran fault line.

The latest plans outline an early warning system controlled by the United Nations which should be in

place by 2006. Although exact details still need to be worked, out it is hoped that mobile phones could help to publicise warning quickly.

Most phones have a seldom-used system built into them know as cell broadcast, which was originally designed so that service providers could provide local information. It is hoped that it could be used to forewarn people of impending natural disasters.

This system could be vital in preventing another disaster of this scale as even in the most remote areas of the world people often have one phone per village, enabling the very fast transmission of information which can get through even when calls or texts can not.

Scientists at the University of California are working towards creating a system where satellites look for dark patches of water in ocean which can be several kilometres in length. It is thought the tsunami creates an airflow just a few millimetres thick which ruffles the surface of the water making it less reflective to sunlight. It is these dark patches that could give an early warning to the arrival of the waves.

Disease Scientists’ main concern in the aftermath of the tsunami has been the spread of disease which could be aggravated by the disturbance of the soil and massive influx of seawater.

Tetanus spores can remain dormant in soil for up to 40 years, fuelling a fear that the disturbance caused by the tsunami could cause the re-emergence of old strains of the disease and even help the formation of new strains. Less well-known diseases are also rearing their heads, including a fungal infection known as mucomycosis which kills cells around an open wound. This condition is difficult to diagnose and can cause death even when treated.

Hope The incredible response the world has shown in the wake of this disaster is providing great hope for local people affected by the tsunami. Aid

amounting to $7 billion has been promised to the countries most affected and, providing this promise is met the millions of affected people will eventually rebuild their lives.

It is hoped that satellites could be used to direct aid to where it is needed most. High resolution satellites can focus in on relatively small regions to show objects as small as 6cm. These dramatic images can be used to discern damage to individual buildings Satellites with lower resolution can provide a wider overview showing the areas most affected by the flooding.

Despite this worldwide support it will still be many years until the countries affected fully recover. In some parts of Sumatra so few people survived the sea's onslaught that the land may be abandoned for decades to come.

Tsunami : the facts ■ Total number of deaths: 226,000 ■ Number of people injured: 500,000 ■ Total money pledged by the world: $7 billion

■ Estimated cost of reconstruction: $7.5 billion

■ Number of countries affected: 13

■ Fastest waves: 500 miles per hour ■ Largest waves: 10 metres high

■ Date of last tsunami in the Indian Ocean: 1945

■ Historical ranking: The

fourth largest since 1900 and the world's biggest since an magnitude 9.1

Jobs & Money

February 7 2005

Page 21

jobs@gairrhydd.com

News in brief

Money matters

Do you feel laid-back and selfassured? According to a recent poll by MORI you should. 82 per cent of students are confident they’ll land a job when they graduate and predict that they will earn just over £19,000.

However, only a quarter of us actually intend to begin our careers straight after graduation, with most preferring to defer a decision to travel or gain work experience. Our optimism is spot-on where pay is concerned. The latest Graduate Market Trends report predicts that this summer graduates will be able to command average salaries of £21,997.

A return to old school?

Trainee teachers will be charged up to £3,000 a year in top-up fees from 2006 raising fears that trainee numbers will fall. Currently the fee for the postgraduate teacher-training course is met by the state, but under the new top-up fee system trainee teachers will be liable to the same charges as undergraduates. Steve Sinnott, general secretary of the National Union of Teachers said, "Young people who have done a three-year undergraduate course are likely to look twice at tak-

ing on a further year with the additional top-up fees this will cost them".

However, teacher training numbers have soared over recent years Last year 34,000 people began training, the highest number since 1975.

Students studying the PGCE [Post Graduate Certificate in Education] would still be eligible for a non-taxable bursary during initial training.

University just keeps getting bigger

The number of students starting higher education exceeded the one million mark for the first time last year, according to figures by the Higher Education Statistics Agency. There were 1,012,215 first year students at the start of the 2004/5 term, 3.6% more than the previous year.

However, the number taking other undergraduate programmes, including vocational training and HNDs, decreased by 12,600 to 330,625. The government has a target of getting 50% of young people into higher education by the end of the decade. The plan was that much of this education would be on courses that are alternatives to traditional university degrees, such as HNDs and two-year foundation degrees.

Up 4000% The number of new year’s resolutions broken within January and forgotten by February.

Static 0% – Excessive consumption of alcohol in students’ unions throughout the country as students return to ‘study’.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union.

Swydd/Job:

Customer Sales Advisor

Swydd/Job:

Voice recognition agents

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £6.00 per hour Various Casual / As required Temporary bar and waiting staff required in the Cardiff area.

Duties will include bar / table service and customer service.

No experience is required as full training will be provided.

Welsh speakers desirable.

080

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

069

Swydd/Job:

Manager

Swydd/Job:

Casual Worker

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff At least NMW Flexible Ongoing World leader in Natural Health / Beauty and Nutrition requires enthusiastic, self motivated people required to use and promote the Company’s products.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Newport £4.85 - £5.20 p/hr Sat & Sun 7.20am – 4pm Ongoing General production work, Assembly, Inspecting, packing.

Candidates need to be physically fit, and have good attention to detail. A good standard of English is required in order to communicate across all levels.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

082

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

083

Cardiff £7.69 per hour 16-20 hours per week flexible, between 4pm-10pm Mon-Sun Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Customer sales advisor required to take inbound calls, and offering excellent customer service whilst beign able to cross-sell additional products.

Applicants with previous customer service experience in a call centre desirable. Own transport essential.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students).

We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Down 6000% – Amount of work being done by students postexamination period.

Postcards from the Real World

Hey there!, in bioscience. Panic I graduated in 2003 from a degreetember my nice fat Sep this soon ensued as I realised aced with a far fatter student loan was going to be repl h.

Ouc k. bac it job bill to pay red this a suitable time to get a Most people might have conside ious, green stuff...but not me. The glor that of I and star t earning some work was altogether too scar y so idea of entering into the world ofto escape it a bit longer. I worked in planned a few months travelling l pub by night for the next three a baguette shop by day and my loca but knowing that I was workhard was It months to pay for my trip. going. me t kep ing for the holiday of a lifetime Australia, South America, Europe , iland Tha to me took My travels have imagined how much the trip and South Africa. I really could not life. on ook outl s would change my whole charities or conservation societie a with k wor to lying app now I’m have r neve ld wou I er care a t is I that protect the environment. Tha without going on the trip I expect considered before travelling and d. If you hate I job a g doin ere ewh som e would be stuck in an offic don’t know what to do my advice are graduating this summer and k about what makes you happy. would be take a step back and thin ?

Wish you were here Love Sally Thomas xx

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza!

Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.

Media

Feburary 7 2005

Page 23

media@gairrhydd.com

Freedom of Expression?

We live in a society that is obsessed with the two words ‘Political Correctness’ and yet we are supossed to have freedom of the press. How is this possible?

By Ewen Hosie Media Correspondent and Bec Storey Media Editor

A

t the University of St Andrews a play is staged, entitled ‘Corpus Christi’.

The play, from the pen of Terence McNally, concerns itself with the familiar Christ parable, injected with the not-so familiar elements of his alcoholic father and

Charlotte Church: Cardiff born

more than platonic attraction to men.

In response to the apparent blasphemy, a small, but determined group of Welsh Christians travelled to St Andrews in protest of the play’s depiction of Jesus. The result of their protest did not have quite the desired effect and they were subsequently ridiculed in the University’s student paper, ‘The Saint’.

‘I have secretly suspected the Welsh of evil doings ever since they spawned the caterwauling Charlotte Church,’ wrote Jo Kerr, editor of ‘The Saint’, later claiming, ‘I could always join the We l s h Christians on their Holy Grail – complete with the Manic Street Preachers and their lucky leeks of course.’

In the aftermath of these and other comments, the staff of ‘The Saint’ were removed from their offices indefinitely, unable to return until they had paid to take part in ‘diversity awareness’ training.

Initially this could be read as relatively light-hearted, with its tone seemingly more gentle mockery than downright ignorance.

Prehaps then being pressured into ‘awareness’ classes, not to mention having to shell out for the prospect, was rather a demoralising one.

Upon reading sevand bred eral internet message

boards concerned with ‘The Saint’ controversy I could not find any real sense of anger amongst posters, most seeming to find the funny side in Kerr’s statements.

Whether this had to do with the considerable minority of Welsh people in circulation on such boards is a possibility. Still, what was said did not seem comparable to, say, Anne Robinson’s now-infamous Room 101 appearance where she slated the Welsh with reckless abandon, asking an embarrassed-looking Paul Merton, ‘what are they for?’

However, it does seem to me that in this instance those responsible for the lock-out of the Saint offices were relying on the relative inexperience and submissive nature of the student body to get their way. Then again, the paper had already managed to offend dyslexic and gay communities within the last year, so it could conversely be argued that they had it coming.

“I have secretly suspected the Welsh of evil doings since they spawned Charlotte” I contacted Ms Kerr through e-mail in the hope of gaining a more personal insight into her motivations behind the editorial. She responded stating that ‘our issues do have ramifications for student media in general. The Union's desire to curb our freedom of expres-

Univerisity of St. Andrews: The prestigious university buildings sion might have had nothing to do with our frequent desire to criticise their practices, however I'd be lying if I said that I'd never considered this as a possible motivation for our being removed from the office. That said, it probably has more to do with their propensity for allowing themselves to get caught up in their own petty rules and regulations.’

Ms Kerr then went on to state that ‘since complaints were lodged against the paper for my Welsh comment and for other jokes of a similar tone the Union Executives felt they had no choice but to throw us out. Their actions are obviously small minded as the paper has never actively discriminated against any social, racial or political group.’

Whether one agrees with her views or not, it is certain that the fiasco surrounding ‘The Saint’ does indeed have ramifications for student media.

Students are a demographic who should be encouraged to speak their minds, even if controversy comes as a consequence of their opinions.

Across the pond Issues of free speech amongst student communities aren’t much different in the US. In a Missouri school, a 17 year old was suspended following obscenity-riddled complaints he had made against his school’s website, urging fellow students to respond to the rector in the eventual hope of its improvement. A federal judge later denied the school district the ability to further punish the student through grade and attendance affectations, claiming that just because the school may dislike his views it does not give them the right to silence him.

Likewise a public school student got into trouble for wearing a t-shirt that proudly proclaimed George W. Bush to be an ‘international terrorist’ which, as he was later assured by a federal court, was perfectly within his constitutional rights to free speech.

Over in France, a prestigious Parisian college suffered a different kind of censorship issue. The independently produced paper ‘Ravaillac’ had grown quite a reputation for its risk-taking. Indeed, having a paper named after a dangerous 17th-century assassin would certainly help the rep along a bit. Keeping up with its con-

troversial reputation, the paper’s staff fell into trouble with the school when it published a cover featuring full frontal nudity of several students. The offending image was labelled as pornographic and the principal teachers of the school began to worry that people might acquire the impression that those responsible may have had the school’s financial backing, leading to all manner of inevitable hoopla and outrage from concerned parents.

As it turns out, the matter did not explode into the scenario that had been expected as most readers recognised the simple fact that there is nothing wrong or implicitly filthy about human anatomy. The paper’s staff made no small effort to ensure that the inherent hypocrisy of the college officials did not go unnoticed. They pointed out that if their publication had been deemed as lewd then why must art students be submitted to nude flesh on a regular basis as a part of their coursework?

Could this not also be deemed as obscene, having fallen under the exact same criteria as the photography presented in the ‘Ravaillac’?

Whatever the case this information all points to the impression that true freedom of speech is something that is unattainable, at least in the foreseeable future. We are living in an age of political correctness that denies us the opportunity, in many instances, to speak out without causing offence.

There is also increasing awareness of what are considered acceptable and

“We are living in an age of political correctness, denying us freedom of expression ”

unacceptable topics for conversation and should someone choose to go against convention with their views, they are often chastised for it.

It is a delicate balancing act that we all must adhere to, and it is often hard to get it right. Can we ever achieve complete freedom of expression, or are we all too scared of offending people and being politically incorrect?

SDU Promotion

Page 24

February 7 2005

gairrhydd@gairrhydd.com

H

ave you ever said ‘yes’ to people in a situation when you really meant to say ‘no’?

Have you ever floundered over an assignment to the point of wanting to put a bucket over your head?

Have you ever felt that colleagues seem to be able to do everything right and if they fell into dung they’d come up smelling wonderful?

Have you thought that making a presentation in front of others would bring back memories of what happened after you mixed too many drinks at a party?

Have you fancied learning Sign Language but felt that you’d be all fingers and thumbs?

If the answer to any of these is yes then read on.

It is universally recognised today that a degree is no longer sufficient

to obtain a suitable position following graduation. Employees respect the fact that students have taken active steps in building up their employability skills.

The Student Development Programme is a user-friendly range of personal development training modules.

The benefits of attending such programmes means you can gain skills and knowledge which will help you stand out from the rest of the crowd.

You’ll no longer be classed by some as ‘wet behind the ears’. Stand up for your rights to demanding employers and colleagues who wind you up.

You can learn to manage your time so that getting up early to work on an assignment won’t net you a visit from men in white coats.

Perhaps you’d like to learn Welsh to sing lines of ‘Sospan Fach’ in the bar on rugby international days and much, much more as well The courses are broken down into four main areas: 1. Soft Skills in Personal Development This includes aspects such as leadership, teamwork and problem solving, motivation, presentations and self-efficacy.

2. Information Technology This includes improving basic skills and other packages.

3. Language Skills British Sign Language and Basic Welsh 4. Health and Safety First aid packages, the chartered institute of environmental health & safety course and driver theory training.

Learn the important words and phrases in sign language

Pick a course ........and improve your potential

Gain the skills to be able to make a confident presentation

On the right are a list of courses available from the SDU. If you are interested, it couldn't be easier to sign up. Just look at the modules on offer and complete the sign-up form from the Student Development Unit, floor three of the Students’ Union building. There is a £20.00 enrolment cheque, which is required, but this is only cashed if you do not attend the course. Apart from that, the vast majority of courses are free.

For further details please contact John Steele, Training & Development Co-ordinator at steeleJ@cf.ac.uk.

■ Being an effective representative ■ Speaking and presentation skills ■ Advanced public speaking ■ Listening and awareness skills ■ Teamworking skills ■ Problem solving and decision making ■ Basic Welsh ■ Basic IT skills ■ Advanced IT skills ■ Creating and maintaining websites ■ Desktop publishing ■ Note-taking and dictation ■ Negotiation skills ■ Time management ■ Application and interview

skills plus psychometric tests ■ Stress Less ■ Stay assertive, be assertive ■ Basic sign language ■ Motivate!

■ Managing projects ■ Leadership skills ■ Advanced leadership skills ■ Successful networking ■ Meditation ■ First aid ■ Introduction to business ■ Driver Theory CD ROMS ■ Customer service excellence ■ Coaching skills ■ Facilitation of learning ■ STEPS to excellence for personal success ■ CIEH foundation certificate

Student feedback on the SDU THE FOLLOWING comments have been received from students who have used the Student Development Unit.

"I found the Psychometric course very beneficial. It gave me an insight into various interview formats. More importantly, it boosted my confidence for Psychometric tests in the future by providing practical examples of how to deal with them. I know that the information the course provided me with will be a help in finding future employment and I strongly recommend the course to fellow students."

"SDU courses are well structured and all material is presented in a friendly manner. They are especially of great help if your course doesn't allow you to demonstrate particular skills nec-

essary for the world of work. Help and encouragement is always at hand if you're having difficulties, which is great for those who find it hard to get started on seemingly gloomy projects.

You can do no harm by enhancing your CV with the welcoming, informative, certificate-bearing sessions."

"FIRST AID: This First Aid class was a bit different from other classes I have attended. The instructor explained why were were carrying out certain manouvers in an interesting and detailed manner, so that we were able to think logically and fully appreciate what we were doing. I now feel that I could face an emergency calmly and would be able to think quickly and appropriately what to do.

The class was really interesting and beneficial and I would recommend it to anyone. Also, the qualification is

valid for the next three years.”

"S.T.E.P.S: I really enjoyed the course and it has helped me to see the world in a much more positive and optimistic way. I found that the course helped me to develop new skills concerning thinking positively and understanding myself and others in a way I had never thought of before. I'm so glad I attended the course as my self-confidence has vastly improved, I now have high self-esteem and I am much happier now. Life is generally easier than it used to be and I find myself enjoying experiences that in the past I would have avoided.”.

"Was just emailing you to say a big thank you for the STEPS course. I thought it was brilliant. The tapes are great and I'm feeling a lot more able and positive".

SDU helps you develop your potential and have fun as well

Free Stuff

February 7 2005

Page 25

competitions@gairrhydd.com

grab!

Superchunk rides again LET’S GET 2005 started properly, shall we? For those of you who are fed up of essays and exams and want to start the new term in style this is the perfect competition for you.

I have joined up again with those lovely lads at Superchunk to bring you a fabulous night out, completely for free. Superchunk has now moved to The Union on Churchill Way (next to Virgin Megastore). With the awesome sound and decor in there, I’m sure there is more than enough to tantalise your tastebuds.

Carter: looking moody

They have an exciting new special guest too. After speaking to clubbers, the lads at Superchunk have found a DJ loved by followers of all genres. He has a unique style and persona and has a love for a good time that is unrivalled. That's why with great pleasure they are bringing to you the one and only, Jon Carter.

Jon Carter of Saville Row Records hasn't played Cardiff for a couple of years, but on the back of his recent mind blowing set at Global Gathering last summer, I’m sure this is one not to be missed. Jon has previously wowed crowds of over fifteen thousand on tour with Fatboy Slim in Asia and South America, as well as filling a number of clubs closer to home. Now Superchunk can be added to that growing list as Jon will be spinning madness for three hours on February 18.

Superchunk residents Andy Howells, Tiny Twins and Chunk Brothers will also be joining the lineup, as well as Jean Jacques Smoothie, who has recently agreed to become a resident in the breaks room, bugging out alongside Fixed Rate in the Gate House. Matt James will also be in the Gate House playing his Superchunk debut. Quite a line-up, I must say.

Tickets are now available for the measly price of £10 from www.ticketweb.co.uk. Although buying early is recommended there will be tickets available on the door. £10 before 11pm, £12 after or £10 all night with an NUS card. Doors are open from 10pm till 4am. If you want more information, please check out www.superchunk.co.uk.

Then again you don’t need to bother with stuff like that. You could just answer this really easy question and get a pair of tickets completely for free. How amazing am I? How much is the Superchunk night, on February 18 in The Union on Churchill way with an NUS card?

Enter in the usual way.

Carter: looking moody again

Need for Speed I REALLY am spoiling you this week. I have another PS2 game up for grabs and I’m told by a highly reliable source that it is a very good one. Need for Speed Underground 2 is the latest instalment from the Need for Speed franchise. The sequel to the best selling racing game of 2003 is out now, and available to play exclusively on the PlayStation 2 Student Network.

Enter a world of street racing, car modification and rival racers. Set in a massive, free-roaming city featuring five distinct interconnected neighbourhoods, players will be

able to race in environments including sleepy suburbia, intense downtown grids and freeways.

As players explore the city, they’ll soon realise that races can happen anywhere and at anytime. Facing their rivals, players will be tipped off as to the hottest racing spots, and where they can buy the meanest upgrades.

Deep new performance tuning and hundreds of new visual customisations guarantee players a ride that is truly unique and original. With more than thirty of the most desired cars to choose from, if they’re on the streets they’re in the game.

Key features include a Free-Roaming City, allowing you to explore and race in five interconnected neighbourhoods.

New gameplay modes are added to last year’s circuit, drift and drag competitions. Added to that, performance tuning now includes a hundred possible upgrades ranging from gear ratio to suspension.

My favourite little feature is visual customisation, with countless car combinations available, including audio upgrades, scissor doors, spoilers, body kits and much more. If it’s available in real life, it’s in the game. How deliciously cute?

For your chance to win, simply answer the following question: How many neighbourhoods are there in the game? Enter either by emailing me at the above address of popping a note in the Grab! pigeon hole on the fourth floor of the union. Good Luck, my lads and ladies.

All Nighter?

A RECENT Pro Plus poll claims that economics students spend exactly two hours on their studies a week. I have a friend who does economics and business and I’m sure she does more than that - three hours at least I’d say, though it is generally in front of the telly.

Medics and media, law and music students on the other hand all apparently spend forty hours of their week working on their studies. Oh dear, that list includes my course. Hmm. Despite most courses recommending an average of forty hours of study time each week, some are clearly far more demanding than others.

So, if you’re a medic and cannot understand why your economist flatmate is able to cope much better with the study-party lifestyle, this may give you some idea. While you are swotting in the library your mate is likely to be snoozing in bed. Keep up by taking two tablets of Pro Plus containing 100mg of caffeine. This will increase

your alertness, allowing you to work through the day and dance all night.

To take your mind off studying altogether, give yourself the chance of winning the ultimate 24-hour entertainment kit, with everything you need to keep you on your feet. The special goodie bag includes a PlayStation 2 Game, camera, CD and more. All courtesy of ProPlus. For a chance to win, answer the following question: How many hours do medics apparently spend a week studying?

And The Winner is...

HELLO THERE ladies and gents, I am here to congratulate the many prize winners of last term. If you still have an outstanding prize just give me a shout and I will weave my magic. I have some great prizes coming up, so don’t forget to check my lil’ page every week. I’m only here to bring you a small dose of happiness in an otherwise grey world. Talking about a small dose of happiness, I have one right here, a bite sized dose to be exact. A huge congratulations to Martin Randall for winning the top of the range Virgin phone worth £120. All he had to do for this phone was to run down Woodville Road naked on a busy Friday night. I have a picture here to prove it if you don’t believe me. Other lucky prize winners include William Schmit, who has won a free evening Spin Bowling. Also Amita Chong, your PS2 game is winging its way to you as we speak. I will contact you when your prizes are ready.

Randall: a real man

Letters

Page 26

February 7 2005

letters@gairrhydd.com

The gair rhydd letters page Brought to you by STER CENTURY CINEMAS Criticism of the Union’s bilingual policy was always going to be controversial and hugely unpopular. However, while the author of the letter of the week requests that gair rhydd set an example by not printing such letters, to do this would contradict the name of this newspaper; gair rhydd meaning ‘free word’. Perri Please email your letters to

letters@gairrhydd.com Letters should be sent as attachments rather than in the main body of the email due to the large number of them being received with incomplete sentences.

Hotmail addresses are especially susceptable to doing this and it means that they are unable to be printed in their entirety.

corrections and clarifications Please note that, like all gair rhydd and Quench sections, the Letters page has a new email address.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

text

The bilingual policy is not worthless...

Dear gair rhydd, After reading someone's rant about the Union’s bilingual policy in issue 778 (someone being a person who didn't have the guts to include their own name) we felt compelled to write in response to the absolute bollocks that was written.

Bilingual policy? You're in Wales for goodness sake; we speak Welsh here. Why should us Welsh speakers be denied our language? Just over 1/3 of Cardiff University's population are Welsh; is this just a couple of 'petty minded equal ops people'? If we were to put up a Welsh notice in England we would soon be asked to translate it. It is common courtesy to respect a country’s language.

Do you think all the road signs should be written in English in countries such as France and Germany?

How ridiculous! All our signs here are bilingual for the benefit of English speakers; you should be grateful that Wales appreciates your inability to adjust to another country's culture.

There are a number of people

07791165837

Happy 21st Rhiannon - hope you remember more of it than I do of mine!

Love, your big sis girls aloud have got more talent in their big toes than ronan keating has in his entire sweaty pale ass doyle loves will x x x x x xxxx david hasselhoff sings like an angel. david soul sings like a little devil make poverty history

here who can only speak Welsh. How are they expected to read a notice that is put up in their country in English?

After reading your shit we have great pleasure in knowing that it took you several 'wasted' hours to translate your notice. Maybe in future you won't be so ignorant and rude.

Os nad ydych chi yn medru dioddef a wlad dwy ieithog, well symyda i Lloegr.

Lia and Charlotte, Cymraes ac yn falch.

...and many agree with this Dear gair rhydd, Once again somebody goes off on one regarding the dreaded bilingual policy. Hooray!

Thankfully, the ‘mildly narked second year’ correspondent shows that he or she is not to be taken seriously by referring to ‘weirdly written road signs’. See, English is ‘normal’ and anything else is ‘not normal’.

Interesting attitude, don't you think?

So, now that we've established that the writer suffers from a mildly imperialist mindset, we can move on to the core argument. Firstly, there are over 1,000 Welsh-speaking students at Cardiff University. Secondly, the University makes the bilingual policy perfectly clear. The writer would have saved time simply by following procedure and having them translated straight away. The Union offers this simple service free of charge.

By stating that in particular cases Welsh shouldn't be needed, the two languages are no longer equal. If we are to believe that they share equal status, Welsh should be used everywhere, no matter how mundane it may seem to some.

Thankfully, (s)he spares us the classic ‘they all speak English anyway’ argument, although it is implied.

The fact is many of us prefer Welsh.

Why should we be punished for being bilingual?

Yours, Dylan Llyr (‘petty minded equal ops person’).

i bet everyone at gair rhydd just makes up these texts when they re bored or the computers aren t working no one is happy about the macs Oh! Look where my hand is! It s in a very naughty place...

Dear gair rhydd, Last issue’s letter from ‘a mildly narked second year’ criticised the Union’s bilingual policy. Since I’m the translator, I’d like to reply to this person.

Cardiff is the capital city of Wales. Whether you like it or not, Wales is different. No better than anywhere else, no worse; just different. The Union has a proud history of defending minorities, which includes Welsh speakers in Cardiff University. It’s very simple – Welsh-speaking Cardiff students have the right to read things in their own language. Cardiff University Union’s constitution defends this right. The constitution is a document produced by democratically elected people. If you don’t like it, get yourself elected to the student council and do something about it instead of writing anonymous letters.

You write ‘I know that you should respect the culture of the place you live in… blah blah blah’.

Oh dear me; such a sad little thing to say! What you are in effect say-

Reflections on the Christmas ball season aren’t positive Dear gair rhydd, The AU Christmas Ball: what a rip-off.

Twenty-eight quid for a ticket! I could go to Metros and get drunk every Wednesday for a month for that kind of money. Still, various people assured me the ball was worth it, so I disregarded the pained screams of my wallet as I bought my ticket and got all glitzed up to go. And to be fair, the music was good; the Elvis impersonator was a laugh, The Blims were impressive and the DJ was decent. But by ten o'clock the bar had sold out of all drinks but

ing is that you are contemptuous of the culture of the place you live in. Who do you think you are, ‘mildly narked second year’? What do you think gives you the right to say such disgusting things?

As for your comment about ‘weirdly written road signs’, well that’s pathetic. Purely because you don’t understand something it is ipso facto ‘weird’; such a smallminded, childish and insular attitude.

You mention that you trudged up to have your notice translated. I don’t remember you complaining to me. It’s a shame that you were too cowardly to say anything to my face; maybe you’ll have the courage to do so next time.

One last thing. There was an awful lot of swearing in your letter. A failure to write a simple declamatory letter without resorting to the gutter suggests a lack of vocabulary. Do try harder.

Yours, Huw Roberts.

For information on translation, contact Huw on: Telephone: 029 2078 1432 Email: robertsh@cf.ac.uk

lager and exorbitantly priced wine, not to mention the fact that all the food had disappeared long before. The casino shut down at eleven thirty and by midnight the same could be said for the fairground rides. No-one had mentioned this, so loads of people missed out on the fun before we were left with what was, essentially, Rubber Duck in ball gowns.

In light of all this, I can't say I felt I got my money's worth; halve the ticket price and I might have. The AU would do well to clarify exactly when the ball's main attractions are going to end next year, but for my part I'll keep my cash and spend it on Cheapskate Wednesdays.

Jess, 1st year English.

letter of the week

hannah is a lady. still chuffing william shepard and lucy roper in sick friend creation shocker. fnarr....

An expert response on the bilingual debate

Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the 4th floor of the Union.

It’s not just opinion that keeps the policy intact, it’s the law Dear gair rhydd, Re “Why do we bother about the bilingual policy?” (gair rhydd letters page, 778). May I remind the author of this letter that the Welsh Language Act 1993 requires public bodies (including Universities and their Student Unions) to

implement Welsh language schemes, a.k.a. bilingual policies.

The rationale is to achieve parity between the anglophone and Welsh-speaking communities in Wales.

In inciting the abolition of such a policy, the author insults the civil rights of myself and other Welsh speakers who nowadays make up ten per cent (and growing) of Cardiff ’s student population. While I recognise that the inability to attract any Welsh speakers may have caused annoyance after having to grudgingly conform to the Union’s bilingual-

ism rules, I am glad that no Welsh speakers had bothered to contact him/her. In any event, none of us would want to put money in the hands of those who treat the language with contempt.

This newspaper could also lead an example in the future by not printing letters that are merely designed to be derogatory towards Welsh speakers. Or at least, not to allow the authors of such letters to hid behind cowardly anonymity.

Yours sincerely, Geraint Brython

Five Minute Fun

February 7 2005

Page 27

fiveminutefun@gairrhydd.com

The Big Quiz*

2. What did Travel Sarah say she’d most like to do on her bir thday?

* More fun than a poke in the eye with: 1. A big stick 2. Sharpened fruit

‘He said what?!’

Hurrah! The almighty caption competition, in glorious technicolour for one week only.

Answers on the back of an email to the NEW address.

A: ‘Hoover naked to McFly’ B: ‘Make love to the sounds of Busted’ C: ‘Be locked in the gair rhydd office with Noise next door’ D: ‘Go abseiling with Rooster’ 3. ‘If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the reproductive rate.’

1. Which of the following new year’s resolutions did you break first?

A: The latest diet - GI, Atkins, zone, blood type when will you people learn?

B: Giving up smoking - with all your housemates still on 40 a day your willpower didn’t stand a chance C: Being organised - face it, you’re an intrinsic par t of the frantic and sleep depraved student population who cluster desperately in the librar y ten minutes before the essay/exam/presentation

A: True?

B: False?

4. ‘An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.’

A: True?

B: False?

Annsummers: 1.E, 2.A, 3.A, 4.A

?

D: Cutting back on the drugs/meaningless sex/booze/chocolate - what were you thinking?

E: All of the above

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant.

Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Howdie folks! Happy New Year and all that jazz. Hope the new semester is treating you well. Words can’t describe how I feel about spending another exciting Wednesday in the gair rhydd office. Congratulations to Helen Jones, this week’s winner of the crossword. We can offer you a free curry, but will be unable to satisfy your tie-breaker wish for ‘a naked man covered in chocolate, to tend to my every need’ - sorry! Also, I know that there were a few cock-ups last year and, shock horror, some people still haven’t got their curry. Please, please email me at the NEW address and I promise to sort it out, ASAP. Ciao for now,

Sarah in the event of a tie . . .

If you were a vehicle, what would you be and why?* *Personally I’d be a Bentley - Plenty up front!

Six Degrees of...

O

2

O

3

O

O

5

O

6

O

1

4

Go on, I dare you! Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Tie Breaker : _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: George Clooney to Julia Roberts (Ocean’s Eleven) to Brad Pitt (The Mexican) to Gwyneth Paltrow (Se7en) to Jude Law (The Talented Mr Ripley) to Natalie Portman (Closer)

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 28

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.4 WEEK 1

Dr. Matthew

problempage@gairrhydd.com - much like discovering your first pube

Deflowering the noun-phrase Dear Matt, I have recently discovered myself with an opinion that can be considered somewhat illegal.

Andi Peters rang Phil, requesting that Phil come to London to star in a new safety campaign for matches.

As Phil was famous again, he agreed.

Posing in a manner only Phil could pose in (with the sunglasses Phil couldn’t actually see), the photo shoot went ahead as scheduled.

After being paid handsomely by Mr. Peters, Phil made his way back to Switzerland in his favourite Abraham tank, with a brew and a bongo.

February 7 2005

There have been many controversial views about the sex appeal of the younger celebrity, which can be traced back to the ‘Olsen Twins’ and now ‘Serena from Neighbours’. But things have taken a turn for the worse with the new sensation that is ‘JoJo’, the thirteen year old American teen pop princess. I ask you Matt, is it wrong to fancy someone who is 3 years below the legal threshold for intercourse but personified to be considerably older and more attractive in the only way we could see her?

How do we know that this image is not a true reflection of her real self? I discovered this dilemma when I found that I had visited the same photo album of her on the Internet twice without even realising it,

both times sober. I ask you, is what I’m feeling fine, or am I a weirdo and need to leave (get out right now)?

Kind Regards Scouse, Skid Mark, Scar Face and Scotty Firstly, I hope you don’t actually use those names; because if you do, well, what are you trying to be? Pirates? I hate pirates, me. They are shit. Secondly, children are so young that they often get mistaken for hand grenades in dreams. Not quite the dreams you’re having, but sincerely, when you’re an esteemed agony aunt such as myself and you always get chased up and down stairs by errant (and curiously, shoeless) abortion clinic attendants what better thing to use as a hand grenade than a Children? By the way, a Children is often marked out by its inability to hear words. Hence there are no possible moral complications in using one as a hand grenade.

Consider this as a valid logical argument. Controversial is certainly a word, but not one I’d

attribute to an argument over JoJo. If we value the highly logical idea that a Children is in fact unable to hear words, then by the same gesture we can assume that a Children is unable to define its own age.

Specifically, JoJo may not even know she is 13. She may well not even know that 13 is a number. Beyond this we can break down each possible trait of What A Human Is (in terms of learning, at least – for without ears a Children cannot conceivably learn anything) and arrive at the distinct and shocking possibility that a Children does not count as a human. For this reason you are OBVIOUSLY attracted to what amounts to nothing more than a Noun Phrase, as opposed to an overtly sexualised Children with strange cheeks. And no ears.

Not until she’s 16.

Always remember, seaward scamps, that loving Noun Phrases results in being tied to a rock and flung moonward.

Leave the Childrens alone.

Matthew

Monkey man slaps housemates lots Dr Matthew, Our housemate has taken to climbing all manner of things.

He claims that it is because he must improve his upper body performance, but we think he is hiding something.

We think this because every time we go in his room he jumps on his bed and makes weird noises whilst turning off his stereo and then running towards the person who opened the door. When we see him later he has calmed down but has this weird tick where he slaps people and laughs, before running up the stairs and hanging off the banister. In the night time we suspect that he might eat bananas by the bunch, and then in the morning he gets up at 7am to go running, often without socks. We videoed him jumping from sofa to sofa in the lounge too.

Do you have any suggestions regarding his fate? Or perhaps even a medical reason for this odd behaviour.

Yours in hope 6 terrified tenants, Roath

To me, you must understand, fate always ends up with someone dying. That is the only fate I can see having any gravitas, as the rest are just excuses to feel smug – let alone trying to suggest that some bearded man in a cloud sorted it out for you. Trying to feel smug when you’re dead is probably difficult and the bearded man can’t get any points. In fact all fate does is grant illegal points to higher beings and I deem that to be cheating. Cheating is naughty.

The likelihood (better than fate, is that) of someone who charges around the house waffling people about the face is usually that one day, he will get biffed right back. This is a Sort Of Karma (as one might not actually say), but without the silliness, monks, tantric sex and having to take care when you buy British Beef, because one day an enormous cow might find its way into your house and trample your face in before pooing gratuitously on the kitchen. And in it too. It isn’t fate that you bought a tantric sex book either, dick-

head, you’re just rubbish at kissing.

The best thing about karma is that the guy who tells you "Oh, oh, Karma that, you bought beef and now the cows have come to smite you, non-vegan" gets a thoroughly evil look for saying so, turns round briskly, trips over some discarded shoes and then falls down the stairs, breaking two legs and rupturing his spleen. So you see karma needn’t be called karma. It ought to be re-named "fucking funny" (with a full dictionary entry, champagne toast and soiree function party bollocks) and more people need to notice that fate is not fundamental in anything, ever, and nor should it ever be considered in this way.

So in reference to your simian chap, poison the bananas and suggest that it’s "fucking funny" to eat seven at once.

The excessive potassium levels will cause really high blood pressure and the poison will make his stomach pop. Party!

Matthew

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Andi posted Phil the final matchbox re-design. Unfortunately there had been a disasterous typo and Phil started to worry about reprisals...

Continues NEXT WEEK

Good day to you. As you might well be aware by now, there’s a new email address to send your problems to. This email address enables YOU to touch ME with your forlorn words about bad things happening.

Could it be that your big toe has lost its nail? Could it be that your housemates never, ever, clear up after themselves? Could it be that you have discovered an illicit vegetable vender propagating the vegan ideology under the guise of democracy? Well, probably not. But problems are everywhere, and like a superhero Agony Aunt with a penis I fly around in a flamboyant fashion and don’t actually solve any of them.

Problempage@gairrhydd.com. G A I R R H Y D D.

Christmas. Quite.

Anyway, I made six observations this holiday.

These observations quite frankly had the enormity and the scope to change the entire infrastructure of modern thinking - not least bringing Long Wave Radio Atlantic 252 back to the forefront of British broadcasting.

Unfortunately, five of the observations do not count as my eyes were closed and my brain had surreptitiously deceived me. Which leads me to the first and distinctly lonely observation: Digital Cameras are proof of an untold narcissism, which unchecked could result in years of moral terror and even more metrosexuals biting people on the ears, pissing in bottles and drinking it, burning flowers, sticking safety pins in their hair, that kind of thing.

In the olden days, inferior technology facilitated the use of at least four days in which to do other things. Not supposing what these other things were – I deem this rather impolite and rather impossible given my lack of religion and/or friends – it then becomes reasonably (but not certainly) clear that older ‘technology’ ‘creates’ ‘pictures’ and ‘stores’ them WITHOUT the ‘option’ to ‘preview’ them. ‘Thing’ is, these fanciful digital cameras, with their pig-slaying raygun flashes and suspected nuclear capabilities let the user view, quite comprehensibly, the picture.

And thus the quandary: every time someone takes a picture, the recipient (insensible) urges to review the photo and THEN asks to be shot at again as if being targeted and exposed (quite) and FUCKING SHOT AT isn’t satisfactory in the first place.

Accordingly digital cameras are intermittently dangerous (turning them ‘off’ nullifies such global threat).

The supposition that digital cameras should be ‘used’ to ‘take’ (thieve, actually) ‘pictures’ should be thrown into the sun – indeed and perhaps even moreover it is quite alright to ‘own’ a camera (for given their obvious sentience, it, in fact, owns you) but it is under no circumstances to be used as a ‘mirror’.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Roof falling down? 0800WOODWORMATTACKS NO! 0800-YES! Lost your curtains love?

0800-FREEPORN

Award-Winning Television

February 7 2005

Page 31

3amgirlandboysactually@3am.slavelabour

This week’s best gaggles on the gogglebox: Feb 7 - 13

Bree-mature Ejaculation!

Best show ever? Maybe. Ladies and gents, our Desperate Housewives Special!

HOT

RISK: Wipe out entire regiments in one throw of the dice.

Make a push for southeast Asia. It’s bloody brilliant. Of course it causes huge arguments and a great deal of inter-flatmate bitterness, but what the hell. Best played with gallons of wine.

SOAPS Bombhead is back in Hollyoaks and he’s going to get a girlfriend!

See, we bring you news that brightens up your day. Lee has returned as well so our two favourite characters are gracing the screens once more. Mandy is off to see Tony in Italy but he’s already found a foxy lady of his own. Oh well, it’ll do the miserable bitch some good to have a kick up the arse.

Sod the rest of the soaps on TV, you know what’s been happening.

It’s too late and I’m too tired to continue. I think it’s about time to bring up that age old debate: which is better, dove or imperial soap? Dove does make your skin more soft and you don’t get that clammy feeling that imperial offers. I throw it open to you, dear reader, to discuss the issue and decide for yourself. Have fun.

Right, Desperate Housewives is the show of the moment. You have to watch it. Ignore Clwb Ifor on a Wednesday night, put the phone off the hook and enjoy. If you ignore the fact that this is the best black comedy the US can make, it’s a great show.

Thanks to the wonders of NTL digital I had the pleasure of watching this week’s episode. Bree tries to spice up her sex life by turning up to her husband’s motel room in a fur coat and red lingerie. She looks absolutely stunning, and the episode is worth it just to see her. Granted this is a totally male perspective of the show but too many people have started watching this now for me to care.

The cantine debates on what Zachary has actually done have already started. Jump on the bandwagon and enjoy Desperate Housewives (Channel 4, Weds, 10pm). Another new series, courtesy of Channel 4 again, is The O.C. (Channel 4, Sun, 2.05pm). If you caught the last series then you’ll know what to expect. The plot twists, turns and flips upside down regularly which makes it even more watchable. The fact there is eye candy aplenty for the boys and the girls doesn’t hinder its popularity.

Due to having Channel 4 in his loft apartment, TV Willy has the pleas-

S4C - (Still) Not Our Fault) Being the campus celebrities that we are Messrs TV John/Katie/Manners/Willy have been inundated with requests/abuse/death threats about the whereabouts of everyone’s favourite BBC/Channel 4 coventure, S4C. Well, you’ll be ecstatic to know that we STILL haven’t got the listings. For those of you who get Rownd A Rownd instead of Hollyoaks here’s a quick guide to getting Channel 4!

1) Move to England (it’s not that far).

2) Get Sky/Freeview/NTL 3) Sit on the roof with a (metal) coathanger. N.B. If there is lightning, TV Desk will not be responsible for your actions.

4) Kidnap the entire Channel 4 production team and force them to recreate missed episodes of T4 in your living room.

If anyone can provide US with tips for getting S4C listings, send ‘em to tvdeskthinkyououghttashutyourmouth@gairrhydd.com

ure of watching the Housewives at 10 and then switching over to tellywelly Wales (S4C) at 11pm to catch Paul Abbot’s brilliantly brilliant Shameless (or Channel 4, Tues, 10pm). Ok, we admit we’re a bit late here as it’s now well into its third season, but Frank Gallagher and his motley crew are both piss-yourself funny and, ahem, piss-yourself sad.

For the latecomers among you (i.e. me) it’s easy to get into. This week Ian and Lip’s scheme to keep Ian firmly entrenched in the closet is undermined by Ian’s pretend girlfriend Fiona getting preggers with Lip’s baby. Deary me. Right, that’s enough from me. Happy February everybody, TV Willy xxxx.

I don’t have it, you don’t have it, and your pauper housemates certainly don’t have it, and even if you did have it, then you wouldn’t notice it anyway.

No, not thrust, we digging the hyperpretentious vibes of BBC Four at the moment. Not for their knob-rotted rancid tedious jazz documentaries, but the fact they’re repeating The Prisoner (Wednesday 19.10) which is not only intelligent, it’s also ridiculous and makes literally only the slightest bit of sense. But that’s enough for me. Other than that, I think Point Pleasure which appears to be on E4 every day this week. Sounds like a mixture of Smallville and Baywatch.

Brilliant.

Lastly, if you watch one programme that isn’t one of the previous four then it had better be Tribe (Monday, BBC2, 9pm) presented by the delectable Bruce Parry. Bruce lives with a remote tribe in various parts of the world and tries to understand and partake in their strange and wonderful rituals. Absolutely magnificant series giving a fascinating insight into the lives of people you never thought existed. Parry has drunk freshly-squeezed cow blood, had his nose pierced by female suri tribe members and had his penis inverted back into his body . . .

You have to see it to believe it. Enjoy, TV watchers xxxx

DVDS TO RENT/BUY All Bettany’s Are Off as Paul Serves Up a Shitstorm as The Merchant of Tennis Hold the front page! Pull the brakes on the car you’re speeding down the highway, put those guns down kids, there is no reason to cut short your innocent teenage lives, no matter how morbidly depressed you’re feeling.

The.Messiah.Is.Here.

The man who made er, about three people swoon last year as he played 30-love and making sweet deuce with Kirsten (“I am 29 years old”) Dunst in the absolutely fucking dire Wimbledon, Paul Bettany, famously said nothing worthwhile whatsoever about the film, and so we have no worthy quotes to use here. If, however, watching two hours of soporific stupifyingly bad rom-com that’s along similar lines to having vinegar drilled into your eye sockets, then good luck to you. I however, will not be joining you.

Balls. Released next week.

NOT

T H AT K N O B BING FROG: This is the easiest target, but since it appeared on MTV19 in the summer it has been slowly driving me insane. Also, the ASA received 45 complaints about his little willy. According to Sports Ed. Thom, the little fuck has made 10 million quid, gah!

SPORT Six Nation: England vs France (Saturday, BBC1, 3pm) What TV Desk know about rugger could be written on the back of a leper’s fingernail. However, we’ve never let a lack of knowledge stop us before, so here’s our prediction: England 23 rugbies: France 17 rugbies.

FILMS A rare, never seen before on television exclusive to ITV1 is occurring this week, so get waiting now and set your video. This once-in-alifetime occasion is on Wednesday at 10pm on ITV1. It’s scary, thrilling, and ultimately exclusive. Oh, wait actually, it’s not. It’s of course, the fiftieth repeat of True Lies. Fuck me.

RADIO I had a radio revolution last week, which, of course, I’m going to share with you. Since TV was fairly bad last week I turned to the radio for solice and surprisingly, Radio One provided the goods.

The Lockup (Radio 1, Tues, 9pm) with chilled presenter Mike Davies offers up great punk rawk choones (not tunes). Last week My Chemical Romance were in session and this week’s brings us Rodney P. If you ignore the pants hip hop tracks he sticks in then it’ll be the best two hours you’ll spend all week.

My second recommendation this week is for those of you with digital TV and that is Kerrang Radio.

If you’re from Birmingham then you’ll have already heard the unique brand of humour and playlists Kerrang brings. As yet the only way to listen is online or through digital but it’s well worth it, believe me.

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February 7 - 13 2005

mostemothing@denyingyouremosity.org

STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20709922

19.00 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma ... proofreading the gair rhydd TV pages 20.30 Little Angels The blonde one in Desperate Housewive’s two kids! They’re rascals.

21.00 Country Strife The kind of people who have those “We’ll keep our bullshit in the countryside, you keep yours in Westminster” have a few arguments about why fox-hunting is great really. Wankers.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps I’m bored, right, the office’s favourite famous sons of famous people: Sports John: Nigel Clough, Me: Rufus Wainwright, TV John: Hiphop producer Adam F (Alvin Stardust btw.), Manners: The Chipmunks. Right, i’m bored of this. 23.00 Ideal 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Little Britain Yes mate, it’s good, but I don’t need the catchphrases shouted across the cinema.

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 09.55 3rd Rock from the Sun Dick on a Roll: An obvious pun. The question is: do they call muffins rolls in America? Yes. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphae 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha Fatty 15.05 Trisha Jam, jam, jam, jam. 16.10 The John Walsh Show 17.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.50 Judge Judy “Judge this Judy!”

19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 20.00 Super Bowl XXXIX More sport for the sexually repressed.

Rubbish.

21.00 Film: "John Grisham's The Rainmaker" 23.35 Coronation Street 00.5 Dead Man Weds 01.05 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.55 Late Show with David Letterman Manny: “Alright then, let’s go and pa..”

Bernard: “I will not have that word used as a verb...”

6.00am GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 60 Minute Makeover 2.00 I Want That House (Insert rubbish Lou and Andy from Little Britain joke here) 2.30 Trading Treasures As the actor said to the Bishop. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Thomas and Friends 3.25 Fun Song Factory Featuring Morrissey, Elliot Smith, Radiohead and Leonard Cohen.

3.35 Rugrats 3.45 Pet Alien 3.55 Atomic Betty 4.25 Art Attack 4.30 The Worst Witch Sabrina or Grotbags? You decide! 5.00 Today with Des and Mel 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Charity has her wicked way with Jimmy. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

7.30 Coronation Street It's panic stations as Chesney goes missing. At least he’s not knobbing his boss. Unlike that horrible Sally Webster, whose charming daughter, Rosie, finds out!

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street.

9.00 The Stepfather 10.30 ITV News.

11.00 Jigsaw 11.30 At the Doctor's 0.05 FILM: Agnes Browne 1.35 Trisha 2.30 Today with Des and Mel A joke coutesy of John “funboy” Widdop: “There’s an egg and a sausage in a frying pan ... the sausage turns to the egg and says, ‘Fuck me! It’s hot in here!’ The egg turns round and says, ‘Fuck me!

A talking sausage!”

Ho ho ho ho.

19.00 Sounds of the Sixties The Magic Numbers.

19.10 The Prisoner “Fucking yes!” shouts TV John from across the room (well, next to me) as he realises the “second best TV show ever” after Twin Peaks is being repeated on erstwhile shitter BBC4. Question is, John, do you have BBC4?

Nope? Deary me, he doesn’t want it either.

20.00 The World 20.30 The Sky at Night 21.00 Mind Games “Keep playing those miiiiiiiind games” sang John Winston Lennon. That has no relevance to this programme but rest assured it’s a reasonably average song by the exBeatle.

21.30 Mindset 22.00 Time Shift: Gambling Britain gair rhydd’s resident fashion queen, (Kevin and) Perri “Lennox, Carl, Martin, C.S, Denise,” Lewis “Carol, Garcia, Boa Morte, in Sussex-ham” is going to the casino tonight.

22.40 Giving Tongue Wayne Rooney swears at a ref. And performs cunnilingus. Yuk.

Sailor Sid 6.50pm

6:00am Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs: Soft Round Flat Things Cowpats?

6:35am The Hoobs: Fish 7:00 B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Driving Frank 8:25 The King of Queens Bernard Cribbins 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Neighbourhood Tales 9:25 Neighbourhood Tales 9:30 Rude Brittania 10:00 Tate Modern 10:05 New Boy 11:05 National Gallery: Mothers and Sons 11:10 College Girls Me and TV John are united in our belief that this sounds AWESOME. 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Watercooler Wisdom 12:35 Jacqueline (FILM) 2:15 Name Your Price 3:15 Countdown 4:00 A Place In The Sun 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons Krusty Gets Cancelled: One of the best episodes form the all-conquering fourth series. “That oughtta satisfy the little S.O.B.s”.

6:30 Hollyoaks Bombhead (Lee Otway) surprises Lee (Alex Carter) with breakfast in bed.

Pnaaaaaaaaaaaaar.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Wonder: You Cuba 8:00 Dispathces: The NHS, Your Money or Your Life 9:00 Bodyshock: Orgasmatron 10:00 ER Featuring Madchen Amick from Twin Peaks, which TV John authoritively describes as the best TV series ever.

After Desperate Housewives, obviously.

11:05 America’s Fattest City Boston, home of Ally Mcbeal star Calista Flockhart - she’s as fat as five pigs.

12:10 Girl, Interrupted (FILM) Seriously overrated film watched by teenage girls to convince themselves that they are more miserable than they actually are.

2:00 Without A Trace 3:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks Tony (Nick Pickard) wakes with vigour and vitality to a new day in Rome. I assume that means he has a stinking great pole of an erection then?

7:30 Switched Someone unwittingly has their gender changed.

Frivolties ensue.

8:00 Friends Monica's dream of an expensive fairytale wedding fizzles out after she learns what her parents have done with her wedding fund ... invested in a bee farm.

8:30 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 10:00 Fool Around With My Girlfriend 10:30 Infamous Fives 11:00 Queer As Folk 12:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 12:50 The Sopranos: Where's Johnny? In the cupboard! No? Under the truck?

No? Dammit. Ah, the shelf.

06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just like Yours 06.30 Woolamaloo (Detectives) Puppet comedy for preschoolers. When the king goes missing, Bish and Bosh become detectives and try to track him down. Meanwhile, Sporty Sock tries to teach Pop Sock about the joys of football.

Intriguing.

06.40 The Clangers 06.50 Sailor Sid Animation about an officer in the king's navy. Eric finds that he is covered in red spots. Cue easy STD joke.

06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Stories 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Barney 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Sunset Beach 10.55 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.45 Film: "The Perfect Wife" (2000) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Hollywood's Greatest Aerial Stunts 20.00 Massive Engines 20.30 Massive Engines 21.00 The Most Outrageous TV Moments Ever 23.05 That's So Last Week The Arcade Fire - now the NME have declared them the “band most likely to do a Franz”, TV “get this band a record deal” John officially doesn’t like them anymore.

23.35 Going Down in the Valley: Gay For Pay 25 quid and a pie: TV John. A bin bag stuffed with used gym socks: TV Willy.

12.05 Tasteful TV

PRIMETIME

6:00am: CBeebies: Big Cock Little Cock 6:20 Tots TV 6:30 Clifford's Puppy Days 6:45 The Koala Brothers Steve and Mark Waugh. Silly.

7:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 7:25 Tom7:50 Looney Tunes 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Eureka TV 8:15 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension This sounds massively shite. 8:40 Spook Squad 9:00 Jackie Chan Adventures 9:20 Lizzie McGuire.

9:45 Watch My Chops 10:00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10:20 Something Special TV John’s CV: including Dinner-lady, plate clearer, TV critic and cross-dressing stripper (he claims) 10:40 Fimbles Sewing for those with lisps. 11:00 FILM: Doom Runners Again, sounds absolutely guff. 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:05 FILM: Pearl of the South Pacific 2:30 Garden Invaders.

3:00 Castle in the Country 4:00 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Facing the Music 7:00 The Deaf Holocaust: Deaf People and Nazi Germany 7:30 Britain's Best Buildings The optometry building. Pnarr.

8:00 A Seaside Parish.

8:30 University Challenge.

Not featuring anyone from Cardiff. We have better things to do, like rubbish protests.

9:00 Tribe 10:00 Look Around You ‘Cos we’re coming to get you!

10:30 Newsnight Featuring gair rhydd ed. and professional ligger, Gary Andrews. 11:20 Top Gear: Stars in Fast Cars 11:50 Trouble at the Top 12:30am: Joins BBC News 24 “What the cross-over country singer says ... what the fireman with his hose says.”

Pearl of the South BBC2 1.05pm

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6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Animal Park 10:00 European Family Xchange I think this is how we got our Royal family. 10:30 Homes under the Hammer Trevor Brooking’s strict homemaking regime. 11:00 Escape to the Country 11:30 Car Booty 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBeebies: Postman Pat 3:40 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4:05 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4:30 Grange Hill 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround.

5:35 Neighbours Sky struggles to accept that she has lost Boyd and Lana forever.

Seriously though, if your girlfriend snogged a hottie like Lana you want pictures, not an apology. Boo to Boyd!

6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Holiday 2005.

7:30 Inside Out Or: a beginner’s guide to sex.

8:30 Ground Force.

9:00 Dalziel and Pascoe 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News 10:35 The Crouches Southampton striker Peter Crouch stars in this warts-and-all reality show about life as a professional streak of piss.

11:05 True Crime 11:35 Film 2005 12:05am: FILM: Convoy 1:55 Sign Zone: Natural World (Insert obvious joke about TV Willy’s deformed genitalia). I joke!

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

11.00 MMXTREME 11.30 Bigfoot and Friends Possibly gay-porn, but on Men and Motors I doubt it. Unless by gay you mean busty blondes leaning over cars, and by ‘porn’ you mean, erm, porn.

12.00 2 Wheels Down Under Not involving Billy Connelly.

Thank fuck. 12.30 Dr Rod's Bike Surgery 13.00 World InCar Rally Special 14.00 MMXTREME 14.30 Bigfoot and Friends 15.00 Full Throttle Famous 15.30 Bikes Aloud Same difference.

16.00 So You Think You're a Good Driver? No, I had 10 drving lessons and gave up.

17.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 18.00 Revolution on Wheels 19.00 Stars In Their Cars 19.30 Number Plate Heaven 20.00 Bike Shows UK 2004 20.30 Scratchin' 21.00 Great Cars Brum 21.30 Towies There’s more cars, and more busty page 3 models who aren’t particularly attractive. Etc, etc, ad infinitum. “Daft Punk is playing at my house. MY HOUSE!”

Tuesday

February 7 - 13 2005

Page 33

cheifkillersblocthefuture@headsofkaiser.com

06.00 GMTV2 ...5th and 6th planets from the sun, the 3rd planet from the sun is Earth, a planet is a rock so you could say Earth is the 3rd rock from the Sun. 09.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 09.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha No surname this time, must be an old one.

15.05 Trisha 16.10 The John Walsh Show 17.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.50 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 20.00 Abbamania 2 21.00 Film: "Volcano" 23.00 World's Scariest Police Shoot-Outs 24.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 24.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.00 Late Show with David Letterman 01.45 The John Walsh Show 02.30 Teleshopping 04.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

19.00 Sounds of the Sixties 19.10 The Prisoner My housemate Danni reliably informs me that this was filmed in Portmeirion and is about a prisoner. As the name suggests.

20.00 The World Ooh I know lots about the world, it is quite big and has lots of countries, it has hot stuff in the middle and people don’t fall off because of gravity which was invented by Newton when an apple fell on his head and it probably hurt a bit but that’s ok because he became rich and famous as a result so he probably didn’t mind too much.

20.30 Bread of Heaven with Huw Edwards Our Huw is presenting the Best News Reader award at Cardiff’s Media Awards in May - woo! I’m gonna enter for that reason only.

21.00 Made in China Plastic combs, knickers, cups, everything in Walford market, Barbie dolls, noodles, soy sauce, chop sticks, napkins shaped as swans.22.20 Sweden 22.30 The Desk 23.00 Jazz 625 24.00 Made in China 01.20 Proms on Four 2004 03.30 The Desk 04.00 Close

2:00 Without a Trace: Clare de Lune 3:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 4:00 Swiched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant 5:30 Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture 6:00pm Smallville: Superman: The Early Years 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30pm Swiched 8:00pm Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant 8:30pm Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture 9:00pm The O.C Ahhh, it’s back and how glad I am. Seth is officially the best TV boyfriend ever, just too cute for words. And he saw Bright Eyes in the first series, a man after my own heart. 10:00pm Fool Around...

With my Girlfriend 10:30pm Bo’ Selecta 11:00pm Shameless 12:05am Curb Your Enthusiasm I assume this is a programme about the return of TV desk after many cold, lonely weeks without. 12:40am The O.C 1:30am Without a Trace: Clare de Lune 2:20am Bo’ Selecta! 2:45am Curb Your Enthusiasm 3:15amFool Around...With my Girlfriend 3:45am Close

06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just like Yours 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 The Clangers 06.50 Sailor Sid 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Stories 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh Episode 17: The ghost poo.

You’re sure you did something but the paper always comes away clean. Incredible.

08.30 Barney 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Sunset Beach 10.55 Extreme Makeover 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard Oh no get this - she has a surname now. A celebrity’s use of their surname is quantative to their status. I hope I’ve made my point.

15.40 Film: "Another Day" 17.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.15 Arctic Giants: Battle of the Beasts 8.00 Nigel Marven's Big Cat Adventure I’ve never seen this but I bet Nigel Marven isn’t a patch on Tribe’s Bruce Parry who’s lush.

9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.00 CSI: Miami 10.55 Celebrity Naked Ambition 12.40 NBA Basketball Game of the Week 3.15 Argentinian Football 4.45 Motorsport Mundial 5.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classic: Gary V TV John

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6:00 Animated Tales of the World 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:55 Will and Grace 9:20 Supporting Acts 9:30 Rude Britannia 10:00 Citizen UK: Kyle's Story 10:25 Children Behaving Badly: 1/4 Mute 10:50 Gift of the Gab 11:10 College Girls 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30 The Spanish Gardener 2:15 Name Your Price 3:15 Countdown 4:00 A Place in the Sun 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Lee and Bombhead wake up in Liverpool, determined to complete the next part of the competition. Bombhead stumbles upon Cherry and is dumbstruck by her.

Necessity to commit journalistic suicide here by overusing exclamation marks: YES, Bombhead is back!

And he’s gonna get a girlfriend! Bombhead is amazing! I have an unnerving love of this character, but it’s not sexual. Yet. Give me time.

7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Location, Location, Location 8:30 How Clean is your House?

9:00 Brat Camp 10:00 Shameless Third best thing on TV at the moment, after Desperate Housewives and the O.C. My life revolves around the TV schedule.

11:05 Fat Girls and Feeders 12:00 Michael Jackson’s Boys 1:00 Six Feet Under 2:05 Six Feet Under 3:05am Anatomy for Beginners 3:50 My other wheelchair is a Porsche 4:00 4Learning 6:00am Close

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 60 Minute Makeover. 2.00 I Want That House. 2.30 Trading Treasures.

I’ll give you my three years of Twinkle annuals if you give me your Sylvanian Family collection.

3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Thomas and Friends. 3.25 Tractor Tom. Trailer Trouble 3.35 Rugrats.

3.50 Pet Alien. 4.00 Play the Game. 4.30 Drake and Josh.

First Crush My first crush was on Zach from Saved by the Bell.

Wanted to call my son Zach and everything. He was so hot! 5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 The Ferret.

8.00 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. Not the film sadly. Dunno what this is.

You wanna find out? Buy a TV guide you skanks, what do you think this is, the Radio Times? What? You had the impression this was a TV guide? Poor, misguided fool.

9.00 Big Dippers.

10.30 ITV News.

11.00 FILM: The Hand that Rocks the Cradle. (1992, Thriller) Ah, so this is the film.

Scary story about a loony who breastfeeds someone elses kid. *Shudder* 1.05 Trisha. 1.55 CD:UK Hotshots. 2.25 Grounded for Life. Ooops! I Did it Again 2.45 Wyclef Jean in Profile. 3.10 Today with Des and Mel.4.05 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Ideal 23.00 Twisted Tales 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12.10am Farscape 01.00 Paparazzi 01.35 Good Girls Don't 02.00 The Brothel 02.30 The Brothel 03.00 Twisted Tales 03.30 Ideal 04.00 Close Argh, eight weeks without having to write about the atrocities on BBCs younger channels was so much fun. Now every Thursday my life is temporarily shattered as I fill this space with meaningless rants normally about how I fill this space with meaningless rants. Hence this tedious link: Rabbits have lots of sex, sex is good for you, so is fruit, fruit comes in many colours but bananas are yellow, yellow is the colour of my pants, pants are worn by humans but probably not aliens, aliens are from other planets, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are planets, they are the 4th...

6:00am: CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 6:20 Tots TV. 6:30 Clifford's Puppy Days. 6:45 The Koala Brothers. 7:00 CBBC: Noah's Island. 7:25 Tom. 7:50 Looney Tunes. 7:55 Newsround.

8:00 Animal Arc. 8:15 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension. 8:40 Spook Squad.

9:00 Jackie Chan Adventures.

9:20 Lizzie McGuire. 9:45 Watch My Chops. 10:00 CBeebies: Tweenies. 10:20 Something Special. 10:40 Fimbles. 11:00 FILM: Going Bye Bye. (1934) 11:30 The Daily Politics. 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:05 FILM: The Flame and the Arrow. (1950) 2:30 Garden Invaders. 3:00 Castle in the Country. 4:00 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Facing the Music.

7:00 The Town That Wants a Twin.

7:30 Massive Nature. Well endowed Italians perform unsightly tricks with their goods. Judged by Linford Christie and Ewan McGregor.

8:00 Dragon's Den. 9:00 Auschwitz: The Nazis and The 'Final Solution'.

9:50 Trouble at the Top. 10:30 Newsnight.

11:20 Desi DNA. 11:50 FILM: The Pawnbroker. (1965) 1:45am: Turning Points.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise at Home: KS2 Parents and Children Maths. 4:00 Revisewise Challenge at Home: KS2 Maths. Welcome back to the hallowed pages of TV Desk, returning due to tremendous demand. And, well, Gary said he’d beat us with his snake if we didn’t come. To the office I mean. Christmas TV was again a pile of steaming turd but hooray for January TV, it rocks!

Supporting Acts C4 9.20am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 European Family Xchange. 10:30 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Escape to the Country. 11:30 Car Booty. 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Postman Pat. 3:40 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:00 Planet Cook. 4:20 BB3B. 4:45 The Story of Tracy Beaker. 5:00 Noah and Saskia. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

Luka and Liljana go in search of Ivan. Serena realises she's got to do something about Sky. (Fnarr!) Susan and Lyn find out about Libby's secret affair.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Watchdog.

7:30 EastEnders. Eurgh, the disgusting Zoe/Dirty Den saga continues as viewers keep sick bags down the side of their sofas.

8:00 Holby City.

9:00 New Face, New Life?

Andrew Lloyd Webber presents this evocative insight into the lives of really, really ugly people. Jade Goody undertakes reconstructive face surgery and exEastenders star Dean Gaffney investigates penis extensions.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Soldier, Husband, Daughter, Dad. 11:05 Fire Wars. 12:05am: FILM: Traitor Within. 1:45 Sign Zone: Switch. 2:15 Sign Zone: Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand. 2:55 Sign Zone 3:45 Joins BBC News 24.

First Crush ITV1 4.30pm

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New Face, New Life? Massive Nature BBC1 9pm BBC2 7.30pm

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11.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 12.00 Revolution on Wheels 13.00 Stars In Their Cars 13.30 Number Plate Heaven 14.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 15.00 Bike Shows UK 2004 15.30 Scratchin' 16.00 Great Cars 16.30 Towies 17.00 World's Most Extreme Races 18.00 Full Throttle Famous 18.30 Fran's Angels Series about Fran Healy and his lady friends. Episode 4: TV Katie tells her story of how Healy seduced her on a boat on the Pacific.

19.00 Crime Fighters: Manchester 19.30 Military Motors 20.00 Great Rides 21.00 Secrets of Car Thieves 22.00 World's Most Extreme Races 23.00 Fetish Seen 23.30 Dominatrix Reloaded 24.00 Nocturnal Full Moon Party 24.30 Kathy Lloyd's Naughty Business 01.00 Down Under Exposed 01.30 Up 02.00 Jo Guest UK Exposed 02.30 Fantasy Jackpot 03.00 Fetish Seen 03.30 Dominatrix Reloaded 04.00 Preview

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19.00 Sounds of the Sixties Most sixties music is fucking crap, man! The Kinks? Do me a favour. The Beatles? The Fuckles more like. Rolling Stones? Rolling Stones? Don’t even get me started...

19.10 The Prisoner Easily the best television show Britain has ever produced.

Watch and video all 17 episodes or be damned.

20.00 The World I thought that said “The Word” then, but then I remembered this is BBCFour.

And it’s also not 1995.

20.30 In Search of Speed The Pete Doherty Story.

21.30 In Search of Speed 22.30 Death on the Staircase Darcy from Neighbours, Laura Beale, That Bint from Brookside, to name but three. Such a boring way to go.

23.15 In Search of Speed 24.15 In Search of Speed 01.15 Alex Zanardi: Life Goes On Obviously it didn’t go on that far given not one person here knows who he is.

01.45 In Search of Speed 02.45 In Search of Speed 03.45 Close

6:00am Animated Tales of the World 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everbody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King of Queens 8:55am Will and Grace 9:20am Grudge Match 9:30am Rule Brittania 10:00am Citized 10:25am Children Behaving Badly 10:50am Gift of the Gab 11:10am College Girls 11:55am National Gallery 12:00pm News at Noon 12:30pm House of Hell This isn’t the name of the programme, sorry. I accidentally deleted it, but it’s probably a Property Ladder 2:15pm Name Your Price 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm A Place in the Sun 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: You Cuba 8:00pm You Are What You Eat: Revisited Des O’ Connor and David Gest apparently eat several healthy dollops of factor 8 every day. Likewise, Rik Waller enjoys roasting fucking honky egotistical chunkers on a spit and eating them.

8:30pm 10 Years Younger 9:00pm Wife Swap 10:00pm Desperate Housewives 11:05pm The Fat Virus “Does My Eczoskeletal Francheator Strand C look big in this?”

12:10am Sex With Strangers The Stan Collymore story.

1:10am Six Feet Under 2:10am Six Feet Under 3:10am Anatomy for Beginners No. 45: The prostate.

3:55am Body Story: Allergy

06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just like Yours 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 The Clangers 06.50 Sailor Sid 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Stories 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Barney 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Sunset Beach 10.55 Extreme Makeover 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.40 Film: Hart to Hart 3: Crimes of the Hart 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Absolute Rubbish with Jonathan Miller 20.00 Hunt for Nazi Diamonds: The Great Adventure 21.00 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.00 Film: Snatch Everyone else thinks this is quality but it sounds fucking hideous to me. Avoid.

24.00 Wildboyz Which is Steve-O and Chris Pontius from Jackass’s nature program. Are any of the original cast NOT doing something utterly crap in the fallout from Jackass? Steve-O and Chris were both my least favourites anyway.

24.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week 01.35 European Drag Racing Championships 02.00 ITU Triathlon World Cup 02.50 Rally UK

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06.00 GMTV2 09.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 09.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 16.10 The John Walsh Show 17.00 Sally Jessy Raphael.

17.45 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 19.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 20.00 Nanny 911 21.00 Film: The Skulls Starring Joshua “Just Say Yes To More Pie” Jackson, in what sounds like a bollocks Heathers rip off.

23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 24.00 3rd Rock from the Sun 24.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.00 Late Show with David Letterman 01.50 The John Walsh Show 02.25 Teleshopping Shopping from home.

04.25 ITV2 Nightscreen Text-based information service.

05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning.

12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 60 Minute Makeover.

2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Trading Treasures 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

3.15 Meg and Mog 3.20 Thomas and Friends 3.30 Fun Song Factory.

Favourite Food Favourite songs about food, anyone? “Food Glorious Food” - Sports Desk “Breakfast in America by Supertramp” - TV Will “American Pie” - another Sports Desk face “Cheese Electric by Oasis” - TV Katie. I think I’ll go for The Bellamy Brothers with If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Meat.

3.40 Rugrats. Toys in the Attic 3.55 Pet Alien. It Landed On The Porch 4.05 Prove It. 4.30 Scary Sleepover.

5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill.

9.00 Distant Shores 10.00 FILM: True Lies 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: True Lies 1.05 Trisha 2.00 World Sport. 2.30 1987 Forever I don’t care how many times they repeat these, they’re still the best things on ITV1.

This week features U2, but don’t let that put you off.

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6:20 Tots TV 6:30 Clifford's Puppy Days. Max Clifford: The Bestiality Sessions.

6:45 The Koala Brothers. 7:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 7:25 Tom 7:50 Looney Tunes.

Daffy Duck goes mad with jealousy when a smaller, cuter version of himself arrives in town.

Disgusting.

7:55 Newsround.

8:00 X-periMENTAL. 8:15 So Little Time So many witty comments to write. 8:40 Spook Squad 9:00 Jackie Chan Adventures 9:20 Lizzie McGuire.

9:45 Watch My Chops. 10:00 CBeebies: Tweenies. 10:20 Something Special. 10:40 Fimbles. 11:00 The Daily Politics 1:00pm: The Munsters 1:30 Working Lunch 2:00 Lifeline.

2:10 What the Romans Did For Us 4:00 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook.

5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Facing the Music.

7:00 The Town That Wants a Twin 7:30 Oklahoma Bomb: Days That Shook the World Literally man. I loved how the Americans waggled their fingers straight at Team Arab and then discovered it was one of their own dithering production line morons. I read a Michael Moore book, so I am sufficiently qualified to discuss American politics.

8:00 Natural World.

8:50 Wild Scotland: Stags, Hares and Grouse. The three stages of a wedding weekend. 9:00 The Rotters' Club.

10:00 Viagra: The Hard Sell 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Dragon's Den 12:20am: Joins BBC News 24.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone

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Your Union STUDENT SAVER

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Film: Beverly Hills Cop II 22.40 Country Strife 23.40 Destination Three No thanks mate, look at the programs on offer. Farscape!

23.45 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.20 Farscape 01.10 Paparazzi 01.45 Good Girls Don't 02.05 The Brothel 02.35 The Brothel 03.05 Country Strife 04.05 Close The new year has already seen a veritable attack of awesome albums: LCD Soundsystem, Low, both Bright Eyes albums, Lemon Jelly, ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead, Mercury Rev, Franciose Hardy, Rilo Kiley, Spocks Beard, Lo Barlow.

Already!

Anyway, TV Willy and I are practically foaming at the mouth as we’ve just bought Rufus Wainwright tickets. So we’re going on a TV outing in April.

Anatomy for Pet Alien:It Landed on Absolute Rubbish Beginners C4 3.10am the Porch ITV1 3.55am five 19.15pm

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6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 European Family Xchange.

10:30 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Escape to the Country. 11:30 Car Booty.12:00pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather.

1:40 Neighbours.

2:05 Doctors.

2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; 3:25 CBeebies Postman Pat 3:40 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4:05 The ScoobyDoo Show. 4:30 Grange Hill 5:00 Blue Peter 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Seaside Rescue.

7:30 Match of the Day Live. England v The Netherlands First I heard about this one.

Stick one in Edgar David’s goggle-eyed mince pies, guys.

10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather.

10:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws.

10:40 We've Got the Builders In 11:10 FILM: Rocky IV. Conveniently, this film stars both Sly Stallone AND Brijeeet Neilson. Double crassness spectacular.

12:45am: Match of the Day. 2:25 Sign Zone: Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand Yeah and I wish you’d stayed there, you stinking tartan-munching haggis molesting old fucknugget.

3:05 Sign Zone: Wildlife on One. 3:35 Sign Zone: Big Cat Week 4:05 Sign Zone

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Hunt for Nazi Diamonds five 8pm

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2:00pm Without a Trace 3:00pm Smallville 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00pm HOLLYOAKS 7:30pm SWITCHED 8:00pm FRIENDs 8:30pm FRIENDS 9:00pm Point Pleasant Another Twin Peaks meets Smallville meets The OC American drama with the added promise it’s set on the beaches of New Jersey so you might get tosee Bruce Springsteen loitering in the background.

10:00pm Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 10:30pm Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere 11:00pm Desperate Housewives 12:00am Point Pleasant 12:50am Teachers 1:55am Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere 2:25am Without a Trace I’ve never seen this but apparently it’s good. Yeah, riiight.

11.00 World's Most Extreme Races 12.00 Full Throttle For when you want to completely strangle Pete Doherty.

12.30 Fran's Angels 13.00 Crime Fighters: Manchester 13.30 Military Motors 14.00 World's Most Extreme Races 15.00 Great Rides The Paris Hilton.

16.00 Secrets of Car Thieves “Use a metal sheet and press it against the window” - Tafod desk.

17.00 MMXTREME 17.30 Bigfoot and Friends 18.00 Born to Ride 18.30 Dr Rod's Bike Surgery them.

19.00 World's Greatest Rally Cars 20.00 Bikes Aloud Well that’s one way to describe them. ‘Dykes Aloud’ is another.

20.30 Fran's Angels 21.00 The World's Fastest Cars 22.00 MMXTREME 22.30 Bigfoot and Friends 23.00 Eurotica 23.30 Club X

Thursday

February 7 - 13 005

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Elganexitsfrombackpassage@dirtyboy.cock

06.00 GMTV2 Phew, thank God my degree has proved useful, I can now swear effectively in three languages. Woop.

09.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 09.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Trisha 16.10 The John Walsh Show 17.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.50 Judge Judy 19.00 The Brits 2005: The Stars Arrive 20.00 The Hand that Rocks the Cradle 21.00 Teenagers from Hell 22.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 22.30 The Brits 2005: Party On! 23.00 Film: "Play It to the Bone" 01.20 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.45 3rd Rock from the Sun 02.10 Late Show with David Letterman 02.55 Teleshopping 04.55 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman I’m in the monkey room tonight which means I’m working alone and will undoubtedly finish before the others. TV Manners is in the smaller monkey room, which means he will drop dead in approximately fifteen secon...

7.00pm The Sword and the Cross (Covenant or King) 8.00 The World 8.30 Yes, Prime Minister No Prime Minister, Three Bags full Prime Minister. Oh I don’t fucking know, what do you want me to say?! 9.00 Time Shift: The Story of the Circus 9.40 The Desk 10.10 Arrested Development 11.30 Don't Watch That Watch This! A phrase which BBC Four should use with haste. Make sure it’s justifiable. Which it currently isn’t. 11.00 Curb Your Enthusiasm 11.30 Curb Your Enthusiasm 12.05 Time Shift: The Story of the Circus 12.45 Don't Watch That Watch This! See above.

01.15 Restoration Nation 02.15 The Story of the Circus 02.55 Cover Stories: Maxim 03.25 Don't Watch That Watch This!

03.55 Close I was reading the ingredients of the shampoos in our shower the other day, and I nearly dropped the soap when I read that Aussie shampoo contains kangaroo paw. Surely that’s illegal.

Name Your Price C4 2.15pm

2:00pm Without a Trace: The Source 3:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years: Zero 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs 5:30pm Friends: The One with All the Candy 6:00pm Smallville: Superman the Early Years: Zero 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs 8:30pm Friends: The One with All the Candy 9:00pm ER: Time of Death 10:00pm Fool Around…With my Girlfriend 11:00pm Sex and the City: The Power of Female Sex Think this is the one where Samantha discovers female ejaculation eeewww! 11:35pm Sex and the City: Secret Sex 12:05am ER: Time of Death 1:00am Six Feet Under 2:05am Without a Trace: The Source 2:50am Sex and the City: The Power of Female Sex Just in case you missed it 3 hours ago.

3:15am Sex and The city: Secret Sex

06.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just like Yours 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 The Clangers 06.50 Sailor Sid 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Old Bear Stories There once was a bear.

He was very old.

07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 Barney 08.45 Aussie Antics 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 The Wright Stuff Now essential morning viewing, hosted by Matthew Wright, the man who is famous for...the Wright Show. If you don’t watch this you’ve got to put up with Lorraine saying “Weeeeeeeelll, yeaaaaahhhh, oooh ai knoooooow, that’s lovely isn’t it?” 10.00 Sunset Beach 10.55 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard 15.40 Film: "Escape from Zahrain" (1962, Drama) 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.15 Dark Angel 8.00 Film: "Vertical Limit" (2000, Action) 10.25 five news update 10.30 Plastic Surgery Ruined My Life 2005 11.35 Celebrities Uncensored 12.05am Blaggers People who go to Quench meetings just to get new cds they want and not to gain experience in journalism.

God, I’d never do that.

12.30 John Barnes' Football Night 01.10 Portuguese Football 02.50 Dutch Football Is there a dfference? (PSV Eindhoven v RBC Roosendaal) 04.25 Argentinian Football (Torneos de Verano) We must stare, we must stare...

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6:00am Insektors 6:10am The Hoobs: Times 6:35am The Hoobs: Getting to Sleep 7:00am B4 7:30amFriends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King of Queens 8:55am Will & Grace 9:20am The Great Pretenders 9:30am Rude Britannia: Maria 10:00am Citizen UK: Asif's Story 10:25am In Search of the Tartan Turban 10:50am Gift of the Gab: Journalists 11:10am College Girls: 4/5 Promised Lands 12:00pm News 12:30pm The Yangtse Incident 2:15pm Name Your Price 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm A Place in the Sun: 5:00pm Richard and Judy 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks Bombhead couldn't be happier as he wakes on the beach to find Cherry next to him. Bombhead couldn’t be happier? I couldn’t be happier!!

7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: You Cuba 8:00pm A Place in the Sun Fucking holiday programmes during the winter, make me wanna puke. Constant reminder that I no longer live in sunny Spain but sodding Cardiff in the pissing rain.

8:30pm Return of the Chef 9:00pm Blood on Our Hands: The English Civil War 11:10pm The Atkins Diet: Fat or Fiction? What?

12:15am Sex with Strangers 1:20am Strange Little Girls The one on the Petit Felou advert with the weirdest voice ever.

“Let’s go get your marbles.”

1:40am Bollywood Star 2:40am Six Feet Under: An Open Book 3:40am Six Feet Under: The Room 4:40am Body Story 5:10am Countdown

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather.

1.00 60 Minute Makeover.

2.00 I Want That House. 2.30 Trading Treasures. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

3.15 Thomas and Friends.

3.25 Tractor Tom. The New Vehicle 3.35 Rugrats. 3.50 Pet Alien. Bay Of The Triffids 4.00 Bernard. Wheels 4.15 Rugrats.

Grandpa's Date 4.30 Barking!

The French Exchange 5.00 Today with Des and Mel. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather.

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather.

7.00 Emmerdale.

7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks.

8.00 The Brit Awards 2005. Wonder who’ll win...Wonder if Franz Ferdinand will turn up in skinny ties and pointed shoes...You couldn’t predict these things, you really couldn’t.

10.30 ITV News. 11.00 Wales This Week.

11.30 Soccer Night.

0.05 Orange Playlist. 0.30 Brian's Boyfriends. 0.55 Redcoats. 1.20 Ballads Forever. A showcase of ballads from artists including Celine Dion, Whitney Houston, Jeffrey Osborne, Jim Diamond, George Michael, Bryan Adams and Phil Collins. Nooooooooooooo!!!2.00 Grounded for Life. Ooops! I Did it Again 2.40 Cybernet.

3.05 Today with Des and Mel. 3.55 Get Stuffed! 4.00 ITV Nightscreen.

5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

I’m wide awake, it’s morning.

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7.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 7.30 Trauma 8.00 Little Angels 8.30 The Comic Side of 7 Days 9.00 Just A Domestic? 10.00 EastEnders 10.30 Wedding Stories 11.30 Destination Three 12.35am Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12.10 Farscape 01.00 Paparazzi 01.35 Good Girls Don't (Help Me Help You) 02.00 The Brothel 02.30 The Brothel 03.00 Just A Domestic? 04.00 Close Useful Spanish phrases: - Que te folle un pez, cabron.

- No quiero dormir con tigo, tengo una enfermedad transmitida sexualmente.

- He bebido demasidao alcohol, puedes cogerme un taxi?

- Te quiero, quiero tener tus ninos.

Useful French phrases: - Il y a une grande crotte dans la toilette, c’est n’est pas la mienne.

- Espece d’idiote, t’as mange mes champignons!

There, that should keep you going this summer. The first Spanish one works particularly well if you want to get laid.

6:00am: CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 6:20 Tots TV. Treasure Map. 6:30 Clifford's Puppy Days. 6:45 The Koala Brothers. 7:00 CBBC: Noah's Island. 7:25 Tom. Favourite Tom’s: Tom the Cat from Tom and Jerry, Tom Thumb. Lengthy and definitive list there. 7:50 Looney Tunes. Scaredy Cat. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 SMart on the Road. 8:15 So Little Time. 8:40 Spook Squad.

9:00 Jackie Chan Adventures.

9:20 Lizzie McGuire. 9:45 Watch My Chops. 10:00 CBeebies: Tweenies.

10:20 Something Special.

10:40 Fimbles. 11:00 FILM: Unaccustomed As We Are. (1929) 11:30 The Daily Politics.

12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:05 FILM: Captain Horatio Hornblower R N. (1951) 3:00 Castle in the Country. 4:00 Flog It! 4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link.

6:00 Facing the Music. And dancing. But there may be trouble ahead.

7:00 The Culture Show.

8:00 Speed Up, Slow Down.

8:30 The Reclaimers.

9:00 Horizon.

9:50 Sweeney Investigates: Death of the Red Caps.

10:30 Newsnight.

11:20 The Culture Show.

12:20am: FILM: Ali Zaoua.

(2000) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science - Physics.

4:00 GCSE Bitesize Revision: Science. Higher Tier. I failed my GCSE Biology mock exam because of the England/Argentina game in the World Cup. Pretended I’d been ill so it didn’t get put on my report.

We found a picture of a cock on Taf-Od Elgan’s computer - hardy har har har, woop woop!

Dressed to Thrill MM 12.30am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Animal Park. 10:00 European Family Xchange. 10:30 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Escape to the Country. 11:30 Car Booty. 12:00pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.

Janelle's behaviour divides the street. Who the frig’s Janelle?

Convinced Toadie's about to propose, Sindi is confused about her feelings. Lyn breaks the news about Libby to Alessandro.

2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Postman Pat. 3:40 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:00 ChuckleVision. 4:15 The Cramp Twins.

4:30 Best of Friends. 5:00 Noah and Saskia. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.

6:00 BBC News.

6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather.

7:00 Wildlife on One. 7:30 EastEnders.

8:00 Judge John Deed.

9:30 A Life of Grime New York.

10:00 BBC News.

10:30 Regional News and Weather.

10:35 Question Time.

11:35 This Week. I have mostly been revolving my degree work around the TV schedule, celebrating my birthday, eating cake.

12:20am: FILM: The Price of Beauty. (2000) 1:50 Sign Zone: Watchdog. 2:20 Sign Zone: Panorama. 3:00 Sign Zone: The Deaf Holocaust: Deaf People and Nazi Germany.

What? There’s a whole programme about deaf people involved in the Holocaust?

There’s a reason this is on at 3am. Deaf people? Holocaust?

Jeez. 3:30 Joins BBC News 24.

Sing with me, do de do dum do.

Strange Little Girls C4 1.20am

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Best of Friends BBC1 4.30pm

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11.00 MMXTREME 11.30 Bigfoot and Friends 12.00 Born to Ride 12.30 Dr Rod's Bike Surgery 13.00 World's Greatest Rally Cars 14.00 MMXTREME 14.30 Bigfoot and Friends 15.00 Bikes Aloud 15.30 Fran's Angels 16.00 The World's Fastest Cars My mum’s Nissan Sunny goes like a dream on the back road to Taunton. 17.00 Quicksand: Party in Glamis 18.00 Scratchin' 18.30 Bike Shows UK 2004 19.00 Kerbside 19.30 Motorway Patrol 20.00 Full Throttle Famous 20.30 2 Wheels Down Under 21.00 World's Greatest Rally Cars 22.00 Quicksand 23.00 The Nether Region 23.30 Dressed to Thrill 24.00 Catalina's Commercial Clips 24.30 All New Boobs 01.00 Eurotica 01.30 Club X 02.00 The Nether Region 02.30 Ibiza Exposed 03.00 The Nether Region Visits a fetish shop in Plymouth.

Don’t buy the Disco Dick, ouch.

03.30 Dressed to Thrill 04.00 Preview

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February 7 - 13 2005

hans@germanmullet.ge

ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 20709922

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 3rd Rock from the Sun 9.55 3rd Rock from the Sun 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.05 Movies Now I shit myself after White Noise and it was too obvious to those sitting around me. I pissed myself during Team America too.

I think it’s time to get the rubber pants out. 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Trisha 16.10 The John Walsh Show 17.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 17.50 Judge Judy 19.00 3rd Rock from the Sun The same episode is repeated every single time it’s listed today! I’m not joking.

19.30 3rd Rock from the Sun 20.00 Orange Playlist 20.30 American Idol 21.20 American Idol 22.10 Jordan and Peter Laid Bare in preparation for their execution. 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 The Frank Skinner Show 0.40 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.05 3rd Rock from the Sun 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.15 Teleshopping 04.15 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

6.00 GMTV News Hour with Andrew Castle and Penny Smith 7.00 GMTV Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 60 Minute Makeover 14.00 I Want That House Some people came round to my flat the other day checking out places for next year and I was sitting at my desk with dirty tissues strewn around the floor. It wasn’t until I sneezed that they realised they hadn’t just walked in on me masturbating excessively. That’s one to tell the grandchildren. 14.30 Trading Treasures 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Thomas and Friends 15.25 Fun Song Factory 15.35 Rugrats 15.50 Pet Alien 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 The Giblet Boys Giblets are the shit you find inside turkeys? And this is a show about giblet boys? That’s fucking disgusting. 17.00 Today with Des and Mel 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 A Touch of Frost 22.30 ITV News 23.00 The BRITs Backstage 23.35 FILM: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) Now this is one to stay in for. A classic for the bondage lovers amongst you. And everyone else. Tim Curry’s stockings really do it for me. 01.25 The Brit Awards 2005 Shit artists gaining undue recognition.

Boycott this, for me, please.

03.45 Entertainment Now! 04.10 CD:UK Hotshots 04.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 05.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

19.00 The Desk Spin off of The Office but I’m not sure it’s going to have the same impact really.

Unless the desk is purple, then it might be fairly amusing.

19.30 Family Ties 20.00 The World 20.30 Nation on Film 21.00 The DVD Collection 21.30 Jazz at the BBC 22.00 Jazz Britannia 23.00 Father Time 0.00 The DVD Collection 0.30 Film: Kikujiro (1999) 02.25 Jazz Britannia 03.25 Family Ties 03.55 Close Right, all those so called die hard TV Desk fans, the time has come for you to do something for us. I need everyone one of the fans (yes, all 4 of them) to lobby Xpress Radio to bring back my radio show. Send letters, texts and any other form of communication to gair rhydd and Xpress saying, ‘Bring Back Manners and That Punk Show’. I don’t ask for much, but this is important.

Make banners, lobby your local MP and shout at the Xpress Exec to make this happen! We need to get rid of the Killers’ fans in scarfs and bring back good old punk rawk. I’m down with the kids; I know the score.

All New Boobs MM 2.30am

5:55 Animated Tales Of The World 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 The Great Pretenders 9:30 Rude Britannia - Ashley And Steph travel around the UK finding new and exciting ways to give blowjobs to unwitting builders and other workmen.

Coming to a town near you soon. 10:00 Jump Britain 10:50 Gift Of The Gab An educational show from the producers of Rude Britannia giving tips on how to give fellatio the right way.

11:10 College Girls Continuing with the morning of porn, this show gives us an insight into the sexually explicit world of college girls’ dorms after dark. If you have a schoolgirl fetish this is for you 11:55 National Gallery: Love Story 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Watercooler Wisdom 12:35 The Lamp Still Burns (1943) 14:15 Name Your Price 15:15 Countdown 16:00 A Place In The Sun 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:40 The West Wing 20:30 Friends 21:00 The Simpsons 21:30 The Simpsons 22:00 Nathan Barley 22:30 The Friday Night Project 23:40 Reposessed 01:15 4Music: Popworld 02:05 4Music: 4Play: The Cranberries 02:20 4Music: 4Play: Willy Mason 02:30 4Music: hit40uk 03:00 4Music: Goldie Lookin Chain: The Truth About Hip Hop 03:25 We Are What We Do 03:30 Experimental 03:55 Trigger Happy USA 04:20 Hairy Driving 04:25 Dispatches: The NHS: Your Money Or Your Life?

14:00 Without A Trace 15:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 16:00 Switched 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 19:00 Hollyoaks 19:30 Swiched 20:00 Friends 20:30 Friends 21:00 Wife Swap 22:00 Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994) 0:15 Green Wing This is such a good series. A comedy show worthy of the title. Make sure you watch Desperate Housewives too. Great. 01:20 Wife Swap 02:20 Without A Trace 03:00 Green Wing 04:00 Close We’ve just been continuing the age old debate as to how and why the top floor of Clwb Ifor was suddenly overtaken by depressed indie kids without a personality and without any hint of individualism. STOP INVADING OUR FLOOR! CHEER UP AND FUCKING DANCE TO SOMETHING OTHER THAN FRANZ FERDINAND. There, I feel so much better I just hope these words will have some impact. The offenders of the top floor are probably too depressed to read this though.

6.00 Softies 6.05 A House That's Just like Yours 6.30 Woolamaloo 6.40 The Clangers 6.50 Sailor Sid 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Old Bear Stories 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 8.45 Aussie Antics 8.50 MechaNick 9.00 The Wright Stuff 10.00 Sunset Beach 10.55 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trisha Goddard Look love, you can’t just add your surname and expect everyone to believe you’re presenting a completely different show to the one on ITV1. Do you reckon she’s having a ratings war between her two shows? Why has the mare become so popular all of a sudden? 15.40 Film: The Fulfillment of Mary Gray (1988) Today should be renamed, sexually explicit friday or firday fest or something due to the obsene amounts of pornography gracing our screens. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 The Gadget Show 20.00 A Dream Home Abroad 21.00 Colin and Justin's How Not to Decorate 22.05 Film: Letters from a Killer (1998) Rockumentary following the life of Brandon Flowers and his correspondance with his mum whilst on tour with the chart-topping band.

0.10 The Gadget Show 0.35 Film: The Vivero Letter (1998) 02.10 Film: The Man Who Loved Women (1983) 03.55 Short Story Cinema 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

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6:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 6:20 Tots TV 6:30 Clifford's Puppy Days 6:45 The Koala Brothers 7:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 7:25 Tom 7:50 Looney Tunes 7:55 Newsround 8:15 So Little Time 8:40 Spook Squad 9:00 Jackie Chan Adventures 9:20 Lizzie McGuire 9:45 Watch My Chops 10:00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10:20 Something Special 10:40 Fimbles 11:00 FILM: Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (1997) 12:30 Working Lunch 13:30 What the Romans Did for Us Murdered thousands of the indiginous population in the Bristish Isles, developed under floor heating, built a wall, introduced slavery across Europe.

Great people. 13:50 Garden Invaders 14:20 Ski Sunday 15:00 Castle in the Country 16:00 Flog It! This is the punishment to the people who cross editor Gary. He uses an enormous black cock to flog with.

16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Facing the Music 19:00 The Good Life 19:30 The Curious House Guest 20:00 How to Be a Gardener Revisited 20:30 Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife 21:00 In Search of Myths and Heroes 10:00 The Keith Barret Show 22:30 Newsnight 23:00 Newsnight Review 23:35 Ski Sunday 12:15 FILM: Thirst (1979) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Framing and Forming 02:30 Persisting Dreams 03:30 Taking Note 04:00 Siena Cathedral 04:30 Ever Wondered? Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark? 05:00 Simple Beginnings?

Rude Brittania Channel 4 9.30am

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Wedding Stories 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Twisted Tales Something to do with my housemate and his sordid after-dark sessions with Leonard. 23.30 Destination Three 23.35 Ideal 0.10 The Comic Side of 7 Days 0.40 Wedding Stories 01.35 Country Strife The post office closed. 02.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.05 Who Rules the Roost? To be honest, who fucking cares?

04.05 Close I suppose I should thank BBC3 for giving me all this room to rant in. So, in my best teachers voice, I hope you’re refreshed after the Christmas holidays and ready to work, with renewed effort in the new year. TV Desk’s New Years resolution is to offend more people than last year, and my personal favourite, to find as many different ways of writing the word cunt without actually writing cunt. It’s a tough job, but we’re up to the challenge.

College Girls Channel 4 11.10am

PRIMETIME

6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Animal Park 10:00 European Family Xchange 10:30 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Escape to the Country 11:30 Car Booty 12:00 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBeebies: Postman Pat 15:40 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 16:05 Crush Rather late review of the Bon Jovi album. I remember those heady days of Captain Crash and the beauty queen from Mars. What happened to my youth! 16:30 Tiny and Mr Duk's Huge Show 17:00 Blue Peter 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 A Question of Sport 19:30 Top of the Pops 20:00 EastEnders 20:30 My Hero 21:00 According to Bex Why do they keep coming up with more crap ‘comedy’ sitcoms? My arse on the TV would be more witty than this tripe.

21:30 29 Minutes of Fame I’ve had mine.

22:00 BBC News 22:30 Regional News and Weather 22:35 World Shut Your Mouth 23:05 24 Carrott Gold 23:35 FILM: Color of Night (1994) In a bid for ratings the BBC has resorted to late night porn taking the helm from five. It’ll probably be shit though so not worth staying up for. Or watching when you’re blind drunk. 01:35: Joins BBC News 24

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BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!

11.00 Quicksand: Party in Glamis 12.00 Scratchin' 12.30 Bike Shows UK 2004 13.00 Kerbside Justice As seen in American History X. 13.30 Motorway Patrol 14.00 Quicksand: Party in Glamis 15.00 Full Throttle Famous 15.30 2 Wheels Down Under 16.00 World's Greatest Rally Cars 17.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 18.00 Great Rides 19.00 Secrets of Car Thieves I never understand shows like these. Let’s show how to break into a car so all the scallies can figure it out too.

Good one. Cunts. 20.00 Superbike School: Scratchin' Special 21.00 Number Plate Heaven What is this? Chav heaven? 21.30 Great Cars 22.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 23.00 Down Under Exposed 23.30 Up Front 0.00 Jo Guest UK Exposed 0.30 UK Uncovered 01.00 The Nether Region 01.30 Dressed to Thrill 02.00 Catalina's Commercial Clips 02.30 All New Boobs Let’s hope this isn’t a show for paedophiles. 03.00 Down Under Exposed 03.30 Up Front

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19.00 Chopin Preludes Yep, I’ve chopped a few preludes in my time. John just brought up Sid Little. Laughing ensued.

19.05 Family Ties Featuring Ricahrd Hillman, Gail and the Platt family.

19.35 Inside Antiques 20.05 Restoration Nation Featuring Jackie Stallone.

21.05 Jazz Britannia Live at the Barbican Starring Jim “Nice” Sefton.

23.05 Jazz Britannia 24.05 Restoration Nation Featuring Leslie Ash, Michael jackson, Liza Minelli (and special guest David Gest).

01.05 Family Ties 01.35 Inside Antiques 02.05 Jazz Britannia Live at the Barbican It’s a bit like saying “Fish can swim” but Den in Eastenders (I realise this is unrelated to jazz) is just completely dead weight at the moment. The idea the scriptwriters are comparing the forthcoming storyline to the genuine GENIUS that was “Who Shot J.R?” in Dallas, or the “Who’s Richard going to kill next?” is beyond a joke. I feel sick.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland.

The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going.

The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life that of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson.

(Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst...

Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood.

I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge.

21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

6:00 Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs: Teeth Teeth are usually found in mouths - not in old bits of boat!

Unless it’s the Titanic. 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: Futurama 9:25am T4: The Simple Life Working on TV Desk. 9:55 T4: hit40uk 10:25 T4: One Tree Hill AKA: The better O.C. Basically everyone is pretty, the storylines are angsty and there’s a bit of basketball. Like man-porn, I love it.

Oh no, that’s Elgan 11:25 T4: Friends 11:55T4: Average Joe: Hawaii 12:55pm T4: Fool Around With Mikey from Phixx Although he is very probably very-gay. Alledgedly. 2:00 Channel 4 Racing The 3.15 sack race form King John’s primary in East Sussex.

4:25 Carry On Teacher 6:00 How to Kill A Fox 6:30 Chanell 4 News 7.00 Force Of Nature Rik Waller.

7:30 English Civil War: Cromwell 11:05 The Friday Night Project Jimmy Carr presents this “off the wall” Friday night show. Chris Evans will be rolling in his grave.

I’ll leave it to TV John...”What?

Another fucking programme with Jimmy fucking Carr in?” 12:10 Nathan Barley Universally revered satarist Chris Morris (at least in our stink-tip of an office) writes a sitcom. We all laugh.

Daily Mail gets it’s knickers in a twist. Yay. 12:40 South Park 1:05 Killer: A Journal Of A Killer A sample from a review sent to music in October (by a psycho)....”they are monsters of rock but they choose not to play the monsters of rock festival...this band is your favourite band and if you disagree you ought to be shot”.

PRIMETIME

06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.00 Coronation Street Cilla's dirty dealings over Schmeichel come back to bite her.

Fnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.

14.30 Holiday Showdown Marbella and Lanzarote have a big fucking fight about which has the most English themed pubs and nightclubs named “Swankos”. 15.30 IRB Rugby World Sevens 16.00 Airline USA 16.30 CD:UK 17.30 It's Good to Be... Beyonce 18.00 Tom Cruise... Love Chain 18.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.00 To be announced 20.00 To be announced 21.00 To be announced 23.30 To be announced 00.30 To be announced Wait for it.... THOM AIRS FISTS GIRLS 01.30 Club Reps The Workers Uncut Honest guv.

02.30 Emmerdale Omnibus Callahans pub, down by the stadium yeah? Once of the best nights out you’ll ever have. I’ll stand to that - I spent my (shock horror) 22nd birthday there, and it was awesome. Jools Holland needs a good kicking.

6.00 GMTV 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk. 12.30 ITV News 12.35 ITV1 Wales 12.40 Creature Comforts 1.00 Quincy 2.00 Rosemary and Thyme Famous Rosemarys: West, Connelly, Rosie (and Jim), Clooney, the one in Evil by Interpol, the herb. that’ll do.

3.00 Midsomer Murders Famous murders: the Valentine’s massacres, Bloody Sunday, JFK, Jill Dando, John Lennon, Princess Di (according to Dave), TV John (in about half an hour) 5.00 ITV1 Wales News 5.30 New You've Been Framed.

6.00 Stars In Their Eyes I prefer the version for those with hamstring injuries. ‘Scars in Their Thighs’. Weak, William. Very weak.

7.00 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 8.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Poor people.

9.05 Denis Norden's All New 12th Laughter File Dear God. Is Norden not dead yet? I Might as well do him when I’m bumping off John then.

10.05 Parkinson. (New Series) More sycophancy from ITV’s self-confessed “King of Chat”. Give. Me .

A. Break. Features Bruce Willis, and Mr. Righteous himself, SIR Bob Geldof.

11.15 ITV News 11.30 FILM: Far and Away.

Rubbish.

1.50 Genius: A Night for Ray Charles Jamie Fox (who else) presents this fawning tribute to blind smackhead Ray Charles.

2.45 cd:uk Hermaphrodite. Cat Deely? I’m just laying the seeds.

Laying the seeds.Or planting 3.35 Entertainment Now! No, not in a minute, right now! I’m so glad this is back on.

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 20.00 Fantasy Education 21.00 Film: "Copycat" (1995) The thing I remember most about this film coming out is Harry Connick Jr. being shown for ages in the trailor. La la la la love you.

22.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Still the only thing shown on BBC3. Apart from Little Britain which is ‘great’. 23.25 Vic and Bob in Catterick “Filler, filler, filler. There’s nothing briller. On a TV page!” Yow! 23.55 The Smoking Room 00.25 Monkey Dust 00.55 The Bachelor Soup, Cliff, Gerge Clooney, John’s uncle Dave Bachelor, Chris O’Donnell, Elgan Iorwerth.

01.50 Liquid Assets: Tom Cruise's Millions 02.50 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.20 Monkey Dust “What’s blue and fucks children?” “Thom Airs in his blue suit”. “What’s got 64 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?”

“My flies” Better jokes to the usual address, please.

6:00am: Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 The Best TV Desk 12:00pm: Switch 12:30 The Sky at Night At 12.30 in the afternoon? This doesn’t add up. 1:10 Film 2005 with Jonathan Ross 1:40 Cagney and Lacey Me 4 Sharon Gless 4eva. STID 2:25 FILM: House of Bamboo Seen that bit in House of Flying Daggers when they get killed with the bamboo? Sicko dicko! 4:05 Monkhouse 4:50 Six Nations Grandstand. 5:55 What the Papers Say If it’s ours then not a great deal of any importance. unless you read Bastian’s award-winning column at the abck of Quench. If you don’t then boooooo.

6:05 Flog It! 7:05 Arena: Calling Hedy Lamarr 8:05 Michael Howard: No More Mr Nasty Documentary about the Conservative party leader Michael Howard, as he seeks to shed his old Dracula image and convince the public that the Tories are no longer the nasty party. Unless he has lots of very strong valium he’s going to have a struggle.

9:05 FILM: Joan of Arc 11:35 The Rotters Club Caught this last night and it’s pretty good despite the presence of post-new-punk New Cross art rockers Neil’s Children (urgh).

12:35: Never Mind the Buzzcocks 1:05 FILM: The Gentle Trap Elgan’s bum.

2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hard Questions, Soft Answers.

The story of Pele’s lady and the great man himself. Arf. Seriously though, Pele may be impotent, but Diego has got the “looking like Frank Sidebottom” image change NAILED, man.

Point Pleasure E4 6pm

2:00 Switched 2:25 hit40uk A fast-paced and high-impact chart show. Produced by Janie Valentien, as our useful Channel 4 listings proudly inform us. 2:50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 5:00 hit40uk 5:30 Friends 6:00 Point Pleasant 7:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 8:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 9:00 Brat Camps Alex, a binge drinker who's out of control. He must learn to control his drink in order to retain his high-profile job as manager of Manchester United PLC Limited.

10:00 Father Ted 10:35 Father Ted Alongside Black Books, THE greatest British sitcom of all time. “Apart from that it’s Irish” - Geographically aware TV John.

11:05 Ricky Gervais Live: Animals That funny fat man from The Office telling more jokes that if anyone else said them they’d get shot for. 12:30 Bollywood Star Bernard Manning?

1:40 Brat Camp peat Subtitles 2:40am FATHER TED: And God Created Woman.

11.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II 12.00 Great Rides Documentary about NASCAR racer Mike Skinner. No not that one! The one who sings in The Streets! 13.00 Secrets of Car Thieves 14.00 Hollywood's Greatest Stunts II Sharon Stone’s crossing of legs.

15.00 Superbike School: Scratchin' Special 16.00 Number Plate Heaven J3535 CHR15T. 16.30 Great Cars Thom’s Clio 17.00 World's Most Extreme Races Canadians 18.00 Bikes Aloud 18.30 Fran's Angels Dougie, Andy and Neil.

19.00 Kerbside Justice Ron Davies vs. Stan Collymore 19.30 Crime Fighters 20.00 Bike Shows UK 2004 20.30 Scratchin' 21.00 Military Motors 21.30 Automobilia 22.00 World's Most Extreme Races The Swiss. 23.00 Fetish Seen 23.30 Trashy Girls Josie D’arby and Sarah Green.

00.30 The Nether Region Pembrokeshire. 01.00 Down Under Exposed My big fat hairy arse. “overexposed - your big fat manc mouth” - TV John.

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6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles.

6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Arthur 7:25 Astro Boy 7:45 Tom and Jerry Kids 8:35 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow This is really good, now the boys are doing an “Ant and Dec” and getting a prime time slot. Good for them. Cunts. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday Fearne Cotton, she’d get a ride on the TV Willy disco. Pnaaar.

12:00pm: BBC News 1:00 Six Nations Grandstand 1:05 Rugby Union Build-Up 1:30 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship. Italy v Wales Shit. 3:40 Football Half-Times City play Chelski tomorrow so no-one really cares about this.

Actually, I forgot to mention, I got tickets for the Manchester derby yesterday. Sweeeet. 5-1 I reckons.

4:00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship 4:50 Final Score 5:10 BBC News 5:25 Match of the Day Live. Tottenham Hotspur v West Bromwich Albion. 7:35 The National Lottery Jet Set. 8:10 The Orange British Academy Film Awards Natalie Portman for everything including Best Film.

10:10 BBC News 10:30 Match of the Day. Ray Stubbs presents all the action and reaction from today’s five Premiership games. They’re all rubbish, I wouldn’t worry.

11:50 FILM: Evil Dead II. Genius. Genius. Genius. Only rivalled by Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness. Yeessssssssss.

1:15am: A Question of Sport 1:45 Top of the Pops Which is the finer version of Hey Ya!? I am vouching for Will Young’s while News Will is adament Outkast’s cover is better.

How To Kill A Fox C4 6.30pm

Noddy five 7.45

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6.00 Softies 06.05 A House That's Just like Yours 6.30 Woolamaloo 6.45 The Clangers 6.55 Roobarb 7.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Old Bear Stories about life on the job.

7.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy has decided it’s time for a change so he’s making preparations to leave for the bright lights of the big city. He’s actually after the copious amounts of hookers available there but he’s not gonna tell anyone that, and neither will you. 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.35 The Save-Ums! 8.45 The Save-Ums! 9.00 Insect Antics 9.05 Peppa Pig 9.10 The Ice Cream Machine 9.25 George Shrinks 10.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.30 Combat Club 11.00 Snobs 11.30 Make It Big 12.05 Braceface 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: Columbo: Suitable for Framing (1971) 14.50 Film: The Towering Inferno (1974) 17.45 five news National and international news 18.00 Film: The Goonies (1985) What a superb film!

One not to miss. Avoid your work and settle down to watch this classic. Prizes will be given to the reader who knows how many times Sloth gets dropped on his head at birth.

20.00 Joey Ohh, the Friends spin off. It’ll either be good or the worst thing on TV. What do you think?

Do you like the obvious statements?

20.30 Joey 21.00 Film: Saving Private Ryan (1998) 0.20 Natural Born Racers 0.50 NCAA College Basketball 02.20 Argentinian Football 04.00 Portuguese Football 05.35 Motorsport Mundial

11.00 World's Most Extreme Races 12.00 Bikes Aloud 12.30 Fran's Angels 13.00 Kerbside Justice 13.30 Crime Fighters: Manchester 14.00 World's Most Extreme Races 15.00 Bike Shows UK 2004 15.30 Scratchin' 16.00 Military Motors 16.30 Automobilia 17.00 MMXTREME 17.30 Bigfoot and Friends 18.00 2 Wheels Down Under Now I know people do a lot of things, but a wheel up there? 18.30 Dr Rod's Bike Surgery 19.00 World's Greatest Rally Cars 20.00 Full Throttle Famous 20.30 Bikes Aloud 21.00 Secrets of Car Thieves 22.00 MMXTREME 22.30 Bigfoot and Friends 23.00 Eurotica Boobs, bums and orgasmic moans. 23.30 Club X 0.00 Catalina's Commercial Clips 0.30 Ibiza Exposed Don’t look. It’s rancid and infested with shit. 01.00 Fetish Seen 01.30 Trashy Girls Cardiff girls on a Friday night are the focus of this documentary.

02.30 The Nether Region 03.00 Eurotica 03.30 Club X 04.00 Preview Another week, another guide. I bet you’ve missed us.

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15:30 Blue: T4 Special 16:00 Popworld: Busted Special They’ve split up haven’t they?

Doomed to wander the charts trying to regain their once loved fame. Fucking idiots. 17:00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 17:30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Point Pleasant 20:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 21:00 ER, yeah I’m stuck with what to write too. 10:00 Desperate Housewives I’m sorry but I’m going to continue to rave about this show because it’s the dogs bollocks and I’ve fallen for Bree after seeing her in her red lingerie on Wednesday night! 10:55 The O.C. 23:50 Point Pleasant 0:45 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 01:35 ER 02:30 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 02:50 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 03:10 Blue: T4 Special

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5:50 Angela Anacnoda 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 The World Football Show 7:30 Freesports on 4: Snowboarding 7:55 Tour Of Langkawi 8:55 T4: Shark Tale: T4 Movie Special 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:55 T4: Friends 13:30 T4: The O.C. Thankyou.

The new series is finally here and there is something worthwhile watching on a Sunday again! Make sure you don’t miss your fix. 14:35 T4: Friends 15:05 T4: Stargate SG-1 Or as my TV prefers to show it, targat SG-1 16:05 T4: Stargate SG-1 17:00 Time Team 18:00 The Simpsons Don’t worry, Channel 4 will join the trend once the novelty of new Simpsons episodes wears off and start showing the crappy ones repeatedly whenever they can.

18:30 Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 The 100 Greatest Tearjerkers Including such clips as the man who spends his days plucking pubic hair from around his arsehole, the woman who opens bottles with her chuff and the small boy who, since 1997, has been slowly inserting his head up his own arsehole. 0:05 Tony And June 01:05 1984 (1984) It worries me that I can relate to this film because of all the shit that’s going on. The idea of perpetual war? Cheers Mr Bush. Cunt. 03:05 Six Feet Under 04:10 KOTV 04:40 The World Football Show 05:05 Countdown 05:50 Close This week you should go out and buy the latest Sugarcult album, Palm Trees and Powerlines. Do it now!

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19.00 Chopin Preludes 19.05 Family Ties 19.35 Inside Antiques 20.05 Restoration Nation 21.05 Jazz Britannia Live at the Barbican Do you get mosh pits at jazz gigs? Anyone ever tried starting one? 23.05 Jazz Britannia 0.05 Restoration Nation 01.05 Family Ties After the research started for this show in Hereford, the producers realised they’d made a terrible mistake after it became apparant that everyone in the village was actually directly related to each other. Brothers were fathers and uncles and daughters were brothers and sons. It’s just plain nasty. My real job is for Hereford tourist board but I’m not sure I’m doing the greatest job at the moment. 01.35 Inside Antiques It’s a bit soon to be cutting up the Pope isn’t it? He’s not dead yet is he?

Come on, show a little respect.

This is a tasteful paper. We don’t want Opus Dei after us do we? 02.05 Jazz Britannia Live at the Barbican 04.05 Close I think it’s time to start the revolution against this shit channel.

Who’s going to help?

The Goonies five 6pm

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ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 It's Good to Be... Beyonce Well, to be honest it’s probably not because you’d continually get that fat arse stuck in door ways and it would constantly be bouncing off things as you’re walking along. I suppose it would act as a shock absorber when you fell over.

9.55 CD:UK 10.55 American Idol 11.45 American Idol 12.35 To be announced 13.35 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 To be announced I’m guessing this is a repeat of the above show. Ho ho ho, the old ones are always the best.

20.00 American Idol 21.00 American Idol 22.00 To be announced As you can see, ITV2 are pulling out all the stops to draw in the viewers as they don’t even know what they’re showing a week in advance.

Fucking monkeys.

23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 To be announced 02.00 IRB Rugby World Sevens 02.30 Orange Playlist 03.00 The John Walsh Show 03.50 Teleshopping

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Toonattik 9.25 Pet Alien 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 UP2U 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Waterfront 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 Planet's Funniest Animals ‘Now I’ve seen everything’, ‘Have you seen a man eat his own head?’, ‘No’, ‘Then you haven’t seen everything’.

14.10 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 15.10 World Rally Championship 16.10 FILM: The War Wagon (1967) 18.00 House of Horrors 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Today, the farmers get together and collectively abuse a goat until it’s milk curdles and goes sour. Fucking inbreds.

19.30 Coronation Street More northerners talking in accents you can’t understand, about things that aren’t really that important.

How many people did I offend in that sentence?

20.00 The Royal I’m not even going to bother writing about this awful crap on TV. 21.00 FILM: Ocean's Eleven (2001) 22.45 ITV News Why the fuck do they have to do this? Why ruin the film by putting the news right in the middle? There’s no point!

Why I oughta...

22.50 FILM: Ocean's Eleven (2001) 23.25 FILM: Leaving Las Vegas (1995) 01.25 Orange Playlist 01.55 Trisha 02.45 Today with Des and Mel 03.35 World Sport 04.05 ITV Nightscreen

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19.00 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions 20.00 Who Rules the Roost? 21.00 The Bachelor 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Twisted Tales 23.00 Little Britain If I hear ‘yeah but no but yeah but’ etc. again I’m going to have to hurt someone and they will be hust within these very pages. Good show but so overused. 23.30 Ideal 0.00 The Comic Side of 7 Days 0.30 Country Strife 01.25 The Bachelor Profile of a man who masturbates excessively and doesn’t clean his willy just so he can grow his own cheese.

Lovely. 02.25 Twisted Tales 02.50 Just A Domestic? 03.50 Close I have an apology to make. I somehow managed to fire a pool cue ball directly into the back of some bloke in the games room earlier on. I had a feeling he was gonna break a cue on his leg and proceed to beat the living daylights out of me, but no! So, I’m sorry for jumping the ball off the table into your back. Although, you have to admit it was a pretty fantastic shot. No?

6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:00 Wild Down Under 12:50 Ski Sunday Special 13:45 Snooker: The Masters 2005 14:40 FILM: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) 17:00 Athletics: European Championship Trials: 17.00 Women's Pole Vault 17.20 Men's Long Jump 17.50 Men's 60m semi finals 18.20 Women's 400m 18.40 Women's 800m 19.00 Men's 60m final 19:15 Time Commanders Being the history guy that I am I should probably recommend this but to be fair, it’s full of goggle eyed losers who always manage to lose.

Although I couldn’t do any better.

20:00 Snooker: The Masters 2005 21:00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21:30 Room 101 22:00 Outlaws 22:30 Match of the Day 2 23:20 Arrested Development 23:40 Rugby Special 0:20 Snooker: The Masters 2005 01:00 Snooker Extra: The Masters 2005 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Webwise for Business: Webwise for Business: Using the Internet 03:00 Webwise for Business: Planning for Success 04:00 Webwise for Business: Getting the Best from the Net 05:00 Webwise for Business: Welcome to the Cybermarket My Chemical Romance have just announced some new tour dates so make sure you go and see them cos they’re fucking awesome. The God Awfuls are playing Bristol in March as well I think so get down and see them too! One day you’ll thank me for these insights.

Beyonce: Live E4 2.25pm

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6:00 Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:30 Countryfile 12:20 The Politics Show 13:15 EastEnders 14:40 Six Nations Grandstand 17:10 EastEnders 17:40 Songs of Praise He doesn’t exist alright?

Just get over it and stop bloody singing.

18:15 Last of the Summer Wine Aren’t they dead yet?

I was thinking of making a new years resolution that meant I’d stop taking the piss out of this age-old farcicle show but I felt it would be too much of a sacrifice on my part. There are bets raging around the office as to who’s going to die first - the Pope or the cast of this show. My money’s on the Pope.

18:45 Antiques Roadshow Selling off the Pope’s old things. I wouldn’t waste your money.

19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 Down to Earth 21:00 Dalziel and Pascoe 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Panorama 22:55 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales Does he still have that ridiculous purple goatie?

23:25 FILM: National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) 0:45 Joins BBC News 24 Greenday are playing Cardiff tonight and I’m stuck here writing this wank. On a lighter note, Along Came Man won Best New Act at the Popscene awards which means they’re on their way to becoming famous!

You heard them here first.

Watch out for their EP coming out very soon...excitment!

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Antiques Roadshow To Be Announced BBC1 6.45pm ITV2 7pm

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Listings

Page 40

February 7 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

LISTINGS RECOMMENDS

Back To Being

Soweto Kinch

Thurs 10th Feb 9pm-2am / £7

Tues 8th Feb 7.30pm / £3,£6,£8

@University Concert Hall

@Solus, SU

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his Tuesday finds one of the brightest new talents in British music coming to the University Concert Hall on Corbett Road for what is only the second jazz performance in the history of the University’s Concert Series.

Over the last couple of years, saxophonist Soweto Kinch has become a figurehead for the newest generation of British jazz musicians.

Appearing on a recently-aired documentary by high profile American jazz musician, Branford Marsalis, and on the current series of documentaries examining the legacy of British jazz, Jazz Britannia, it is clear that Kinch has become a ‘go-to guy’ for a reflection of where jazz is at in Britain

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ack To Being is a mini-festival styled event, which is to say there are a huge variety of attractions, musical and otherwise, crammed into one event.

The main attraction is the mighty Kosheen.

Arriving at the event as part of a tour that takes in Germany, The Czech Republic, Estonia, and China, amongst other destinations, Kosheen are a band that are definitely going places.

The arresting vocals and potent songwriting of Sian Evans (pictured above) combined with the darkly intimate electronica of Darren Decoder and Markee Substance, have taken Kosheen right into that select group of bands who can convincingly and consistently fuse the influences of seemingly incongruous musics.

Union AGM

@Great Hall, Students’ Union Tues 8th Feb 6.30pm

Rock, hip-hop, jazz, drum n' bass and folk all magicly fit together in Kosheen’s hands. What’s more ,they are able to adapt their music according to the needs of their environment. The live PA and DJ set that they will be unleashing at Back To Being will emphasise the club aspect of their music with live remixes and a DJ set from Darren and Markee.

Kosheen will be supported by Kid Carpet, (local music maker who utilises old plastic instruments, kids toys, a sampler, voice and sellotape to perform what he has variously termed ‘shit-hop’ and ‘electwrongica’) and Chico Fresco and West One (Sumo DJ's). On this evidence alone, the night will clearly be bypassing the conventional.

Alongside the main room’s musical attractions will be the Mass Eye

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ecommendations makes a slight departure from our usual brand of suggestions this week as we plead with you to "get up, get into it, and get involved" as the venerable James Brown once put it (albeit in a funkier manner).

Cardiff University Students’ Union Annual General Meeting, which takes place in the Great Hall on Tuesday is the big daddy of the Union’s operations as a democratic and representative body.

and where it is going.

His 2003 debut album, Conversations With The Unseen, which displays not only his phenomenal abilities on saxophone but his intelligence as a lyricist and his dexterity as a rapper, constitutes what is perhaps the most successful fusion of jazz and hip hop to date.

An acheivement which garnered him ‘Best Jazz Act’ at the 2003 MOBO Awards, ‘An Album of the Year’ award from the Mercury Music Prize, and ‘Best Instrumentalist’ and ‘Best Band’ at the 2004 BBC Radio Jazz Awards.

These trophies have joined the award for ‘International Young Saxophonist’ he picked up at the White Foundation International Saxophone Competition at the 2002 Montreux Jazz Festival and his 2002 BBC Radio Jazz Award for Rising Star, on what must now be a rather crowded mantelpiece.

Kinch is a giant of British jazz in the making and the opportunity to see him now as he continues to find his voice is an exciting prospect.

Though it is not too clear who his band will comprise of on Tuesday when you are dealing with an artist of his calibre you can bet they’ll be tighter than a fat woman’s shoes.

For tickets call the box office on 0870 013 1812 or take your chances on the. Tickets are £3 NUS, £6 other

Street Art Gallery in the back room, in which innovation and street sensibility collude to great effect.

There will be more music in the Junction bar from Niko, The Strand, and some Jazz Society musicians, the ever-dependable People and Planet Society running a fair trade café, accessory stalls, and the presence of various student societies and charities.

In short, this is probably the most forward-thinking Union-run event I’ve come across in my five years at Cardiff University. In eschewing the pedestrian fare that has come to be associated with student nights around the country and aiming toward a cultured and stimulating event, Back To Being could very well spark a renaissance in our Union entertainments.

In all the excitement of mini-festivals and sports clubs, cheap beer and student media opportunities, this defining aspect of the Union’s purpose is often obscured and, given the business-like image and conduct of most students’ unions, easily forgotten.

However, every Cardiff University student is entitled, as a member of and stakeholder in the Students’ Union, to attend the Annual General Meeting. It provides an ideal point of entry for those students who want

to become more involved in this side of the Union’s activities but who don’t know where or how to begin.

As the highest authority within the representative structure of the Students’ Union it is at the Annual Genral Meeting that the most important and far-reaching decisions can be, and often are, made.

The relative drudgery of sitting through a couple of obligatory annual reports is made up for by the lively, impassioned, and occasionally highly contentious debates.

This year there are proposed changes to the Union Constitution, several motions concerning the ethical and environmental policies of the Union including a proposed boycott of Nestlé products, and an expected call from our sabbatical team to question the value of our affiliation to NUS! The fun starts at 6.30pm.

Participants will be rewarded with a free post-AGM drink courtesy of the Union itself.

Listings

February 7 2005

Page 41

listings@gairrhydd.com

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton.

If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We’re resolutely amateur.

Fun Factory @Solus The Union’s ‘alternative’ night. This week featuring Bad Obsession, a Guns ‘n’ Roses tribute act. One Mission DJs in the Junction.

10-2am free with NUS, £3 without.

On the Side @Fun Factory The Live Music Society take over the ‘Xpress Lounge’ in Solus for... live music.

Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm £1 NUS. Student Night @The Club New venue, 8-10 High Street. R’n’B, Old School, Dance, Trance & Top 40 hits. Free.

New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double+ mixer for 80p. 9pm-2am £3 before 11pm.

Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff & Rowan. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz An open mic night of the jazz variety. Sign in at the door to perform with the house band.

Recommended. 8.45pm £2 or £1 if you sign up to perform.

Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix & friends play nu jazz, latin, broken beats, deep house and beyond.

Specialist beer & spirit offers. 8-2am Free.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Dignity Dies First / Shaped By Fate / Mockin' Grin / Burning Skies. 7pm £5/£4.

Soft-Pedal Acoustic Sessions @Barfly Every Man Jack / Halflight / A Lesser Known Rumour. Student five piece Every Man Jack fuse cello, guitar, piano and drums with soaring harmonies to create melodic and mellow rock. The eclectic background of the band gives EMJ a captivating style. Quench says: "refreshing without being nauseatingly unoriginal". 7pm £4 adv.

AGM @Great Hall, SU See facing page for details.

Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Good for a laugh. Natalie Haynes - wow, a funny girl! 8-11pm £4.

Soweto Kinch @University Concert Hall See facing page for details.

Soul Motion @Moloko Wildly popular night with solid DJs playing deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Classic tunes & rare gems. 7-2am free.

Film Society @UGC 9pm £3/£2 members.

Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo. £1 before 11pm.

Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50.

Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Open mic brought to you by ‘Circular Music’, fresh from Camden Town. Hosted by Jeff & Rowan. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm Lunchtime Concert@St. David’s Hall Jeremy Huw Williams and Nigel Foster (piano). 1pm £5.

Jazz on the Level @St. David’s Hall Protect the Beat. Described as 'the strongest live act (within the genre) in the UK at this time', their jazz/funk fusion continues to blow audiences away. 8pm £10.

Live @Barfly Thee Unstrung / Cliff Rescue and the Helicopters / From Mars. Working class Londoners. Singing about being working class in London. Familiar? Fret not, they still sound rather better than a band this late to the party has any right to. 7.30pm £5 adv.

The Witches @The New Theatre Enjoy a world of magic with Roald Dahl's The Witches. A gruesome gang of witches are plotting to do away with all the children in Britain. If it terrified you ten years ago it’s time to go and face your fears. 7pm Tues 8 Sat 12 Feb. Wed, Thurs & Sat Matinees 2.30pm. Buy tickets on the night after 6pm for student standby prices!

Wednesday09/02

Rubber Duck @Solus, SU The Union’s mid-week bonanza turns traffic light party this week.10pm-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Cafe Culture @Cafe Jazz Cardiff Student Jazz Society presents the Mejam Quartet on the first outing of a new monthly venture. Jazz standards from young College of Music and Drama based quartet.

Cracking yet refined. 8.45pm £3/£2 (NUS).

Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? Midday-2:30pm.

All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk and disco; Popscene: Indie; Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @Metros Alt&Cheese. 9-2am.

Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ & Clubbing Society’s weekly night. 8-1am. Free for members/ £1 NUS. Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors at last. This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3.50 / £3 NUS. Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Plus skate/surf/snow vids. Sweets & visuals. 8pm3am (new & improved throw-out time). Free.

Bread and Butter @The Toucan Hip Hop & New Beats. £2/free before 10pm.

Live @St David’s Hall BBC National Orchestra of Wales. Hoddinott violin Concerto No 2 (Mistral), Bax Symphony No 3. 2pm £6.

Live @Barfly The Paddingtons / Kill City / The Rebecca Riots. 7pm £5 adv.

Found Reality Theatre @Chapter Arts Centre The Public (El Publico). Written by Federico Garcia Lorca who was assassinated by Fascists at the start of the Spanish Civil War. Federico feared public reaction to El Publico, begging a friend to destroy the manuscript should anything happen. The friend didn’t. Tues 8 - Sat 12 Feb. 8pm. £4 (NUS).

Thursday10/02

Friday11/02

Saturday12/02

Sunday13/02

CinemaWeek

Monday07/02

Fat Friday Launch Party@Solus, SU Fat Friday takes over the baton from the long-running Lashtastic. It will have a distinct Latino feel and promises (yet another ‘promising’ night - ‘Climax’ and ‘Replay’, anyone?) to re-energise Friday nights. Bongo players, latin dancers and cocktails are some of the attractions so keep your diary free and hope for the best. 10-2am £3.50/£3 adv.

Slappers & Rappers @Medclub £3. Includes entry to Fat Friday & transport to the Union. Slapping and rapping optional.

Chaos @Metros Genuine rock-type night. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm.

Silent Running @Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm £8.

SUMO @Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting JDS (TCR Recordings), Chico Fresco & West One, Invisble. Zero Zero is on the second floor with Meehan, Huw and friends. 10pm-4am.

Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs, heavy funk, old skool classics, jump up party breaks and the best new music. Let loose on the dancefloor or chill out in the comfy booth seating to enjoy retro vids/visuals. Free before 11pm.

Submerge @The Toucan Eclectic live d’n’b this month with Cujo, Leckie, Lubie B & G Sharp. 9pm. £5/£4.

A Night at the Movies @St. David’s Hall A selection of popular film scores. Including music from the The Lord of the Rings and Gladiator, the smash hit musicals Chicago, Carousel and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the hugely popular Pirates of the Caribbean and the Welsh Premiere of music from Harry Potter. 7:30pm £5-£17.

Live @Barfly Death From Above 1979 / The Fever / Controller Controller. This hotly tipped Canadian duo return to the Barfly in support of their debut album 'You're A Woman, I'm A Machine' which features current single 'Romantic Rights'. 7.30pm £6 adv.

Tuesday08/02

Come Play @Solus, SU A student favourite, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and gets it every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proven particularly popular and lollipops abound. 10-2am £3.50 adv.

Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. ‘Til 2am, drinks promos all night. Free before 10pm.

Saturday @Incognito Swiss & pals from the house circuit of Wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, Escape. Until 2am.

Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere.

Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9-3am free with flyer before 10pm/£4.

Acoustic Bar @The Toucan DJ Captain Paranoid and Kris Jenkins downstairs. £3.50 (free before 10pm).

The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Smerin’s Anti Social Club. Lively 9piece Funk/Ska/Latin band. Ace. 10-2am £5.

Try Samba Drumming @St. David’s Hall A shed full of Samba sounds will sow the seeds for summer, filling St David's Hall with that Latin American carnival feeling! For more information call Bryony on 029 20 878572. £3 (NUS).

Whole Lotta Metal @St. David’s Hall Featuring classics from Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Whitesnake, Bon Jovi, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Guns ‘n’ Roses. This show will take you back to the heyday of Monsters of Rock. A must see event for all rockers. 7:30pm £15.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach The Next Nine Years / Vibration White Finger / The Vanities. 9pm £5.

Live @Barfly The Go! Team / The Pipettes / Attack & Defend.

7pm £7 adv.

The Shadow of a Boy @Sherman Theatre Sci-fi fanatic Luke finds refuge in his alter-ego, Shadow who is sent from outer space. Blimey.

7:30pm £8.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las, SU Cardiff Student Jazz Society’s weekly Union event. This week the party revisits the funk end of the jazz spectrum with Four Tons Of Funk, a group that has played frequently in the Junction bar of Solus at the now defunct Lashtastic and has long deserved to be heard in their own right.

Expect to hear a group as comfortable improvising as they are laying down a solid dancer-friendly groove. Get there. 8-11pm £3/£2 for society members.

Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: “a night that takes you where ever you want to go,” they say. By which is meant, a night that takes you where ever you want to go so long as where you want to go is a mediocre bar that plays nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm.

No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and be the DJ! 7pm-2am Free entry.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf A pub quiz. 8pm £3 per team.

MedClub Quiz @MedBar Different quiz. Different pub. Same idea.

Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Open mic sessions. Popular acoustic session where anyone can get up and jam or just relax and listen. The Toucan provide the guitar/mic, you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter and Lee. The fact that they provide a guitar betrays the brand of music you’ll hear.

Varied it ain’t. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm.

Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Adequate Seven / Shaped By Fate / & many more. A gig raising funds for Medicans Sans Frontiers. Acts include: Adequate Seven, Shaped By Fate, The Take, De Capo, Night And The City..., Bedford Falls, Panel, Four Ways To Fall, Along Came Man, 21 Meadow Street, Leberasm, El Sid. No explanation readily available for why they are having the event but the beneficiaries are an extremely deserving and necessary organisation so it’s all good. All hail the clwb. From 1pm £5.

Back to Being @Solus, SU See facing page for details.

Company / Societies / AU Fayre @Great Hall, SU Part of ‘Refreshers Fayre’ this is a chance to get the lowdown on various Union clubs and societies you missed first time around and to get the come-on from some corporate prospectors.

Kickback @bSb The Live Music Society’s acoustic open mic night. The student music scene has been calling out for it. Here it is. 8pm.

Enthusiasm @Moloko Featuring Dom Search, founder member of acclaimed beatmakers The Nextmen. You may remember The Nextmen's amazing set at Enthusiasm just over a year ago, when they juggled hip-hop anthems & funk jams with bags of style. For more proof of his skills beyond the studio, Dom Search is back with a grin and a box of fat wax. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm.

Boomshanka @Toucan Acoustic Lounge Live acoustic soul & hippy funk with The Pockets. 8pm-1am £3/£2 Parked @The Toucan Club Band Showcase featuring The Blims / Free Fall / Moscow. 8pm-2am £5/£4.

Live @St. David’s Hall John Renbourn & Robin Williamson as part of the Roots Unearthed season in the Level 3 bar area. Renbourne's revolutionary guitar style explores the instrument's potential in unusual and beautiful ways, performing together with Williamson, songwriter and instrumental master of over 40 plucked, blown, bowed and struck devices drawn from all over the planet. 8pm £9.

Live @Barfly KT Tunstall / Charlie Mars / Pippa Rogers. Tunstall, part-Chinese, part-Scottish singer-songwriter in the tradition of Rickie Lee Jones, Carole King and Fleetwood Mac creates her articulate and accessible brew of rootsy sass, wistful quandary and after-hours atmosphere. 7pm. £6 adv.

Devious @Barfly Track requests, cheap drinks = rocking night! 10.30pm-2am. £3.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film screenings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly glance at the various filmic curiosities they have on offer.

(Consult www.chapter.org for times.)

Spirited Away Ten-year-old Chihiro discovers a secret world where she encounters strange spirits, weird creatures and a grumpy sorceress who tries to prevent her returning to the human world.

Think Japanese Alice in Wonderland. This film is a masterpiece, the best legal trip into weirdness you’re going to get all year.

Sat: 15:00 My House in Umbria This charming, evocative drama offers Maggie Smith yet another dream role as an English novelist and Umbria resident. One of four survivors detained by the authorities after a mysterious explosion in a compartment of a train bound for Milan, she offers the shelter of her rural villa to the three others and, surrounded by lush scenery in an idyllic location, the group forms an unexpectedly strong bond while convalescing. But their peace and harmony are upset by the arrival of the uncle of one of their number, as well as the unsettling possibilities of the explosion's origins.

Mon - Thurs: 18:15

“Octopush? That’s a James Bond film isn’t it?”

Sports Reporter Gareth Evans, January 2005

Spor t gair rhydd

Unhappy seamen Yachtsmen may be forced out of competition Page 47

Issue 779 7 February 2005 | Email: sport@gairrhydd.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Winners Cardiff may soon be needing a new trophy cabinet Back Page

Below: Comprehensive guide to all the week’s sporting results

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CLASSIFIED RESULTS

Athletico Roy 7 Irish Society 0

FOOTBALL

By Chris Allen Football Correspondent

POST CHRISTMAS GROUPS Premier Division

Division One

Division Two

Division Three

Economics Banko FC Engin A Accountancy Earth Soc Carbs B Law A Law B

AFC History Jomec Chemsoc Carbs A RP Lakers John Jenkins FC Momed Japsoc

Architecture Irish Society W’ville S’ers Optometry Athletico Roy Engin B Dynamo C’turrion Cardiff Dragons

Christian Union Euros Psycho Athletico AFC Camp Allen English Soc Socsi Inter Me Nan Vasco de Pharma

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FINAL STANDINGS ROUND ONE Group A

IMG Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

6

0

1

28

18

2 Banko FC

7 7

6

0

1

25

3 AFC History

7

6

0

1

19

18 18

4 Jomec

7

3

0

4

-9

9

5 Architecture

7 7

3

0

4

-22

9

6 Irish Society

2

0

5

-10

6

7 Christian Union

7

1

0

6

-10

8 Euros

7

1

0

6

-21

3 3

1 Economics

Group B

I MG

Netball Results from 02/02/05 Premier Division CARDIFF UNI A 20 - 12 PHARMACY A PSYCHOLOGY A 7 - 10 LAW A CHEMSOC A 21 - 3 PSYCHOLOGY B Division One LAW B 20 - 2 CHEMSOC B CARBS B 3 - 24 CARBS A PHARMACY B 0 - 23 CARDIFF UNI B

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

Division Two

1 Engin A

7

6

0

1

22

18

2 Accountancy

7

5

1

1

20

16

3 Chemsoc

7

5

1

1

6

16

OPTOMETRY A 10 - 6 SOCSI PHARMACY C C - C ENGIN GIRLS OPTOMETRY B 7 - 4 ENGLISH SOC

4 Carbs A

7

4

2

1

12

14

5 Woodville S’ers

7

2

1

4

-7

7

6 Optometry

2

0

5

-7

6

7 Psycho Athletico

7 7

1

0

6

-19

3

8 AFC Camp Allen

7

0

1

6

-26

1

Pos

Group C

I MG Pos

Football Results 02/02/05 Premiership LAW A 5 - 1 CARBS B EARTH SOC 4 - 3 LAW B ECONOMICS 1 - 4 ACCOUNTANCY BANKO FC 0 - 5 ENGIN A

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Earth Soc

7

7

0

0

25

21

2 Carbs B

7

4

1

2

18

13

3 RP Lakers

7

4

1

2

14

13

4 John Jenkins FC

7

4

1

2

5

13

5 Athletico Roy

7

4

0

3

1

12

6 Engin B

7

2

1

4

-8

7

AFC HISTORY 1 - 1 JAPSOC CHEMSOC 5 - 2 JOMEC CARBS A 1 - 3 JOHN JENKINS FC RP LAKERS 1 - 0 MOMED

7 English Soc

7

1

0

6

-31

3

Division Two

8 Socsi

7

0

0

7

-19

0

Group D

I MG Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Law A

7

7

0

0

32

21

2 Law B

7

5

0

2

10

15

3 Momed

7

4

1

2

7

13

4 Japsoc

7

3

0

4

-11

5 Dynamo C’turion

7

2

1

4

-6

9 7

6 Cardiff Dragons

6

2

1

4

-9

7

7 Inter Me Nan

7

1

2

4

-17

5

8 V’co de Pharma

7

1

1

5

-6

4

Division One

ATHLETICO ROY 7 - 0 IRISH SOCIETY ARCHITECTURE L - L OPTOMETRY DYNAMO CENTURION 1 - 2 CARDIFF DRAGONS WOODVILLE SCREAMERS 1 - 1 ENGIN B Division Three INTER ME NAN 4 - 2 SOCSI VASCO DE PHARMA 3 - 1 AFC CAMP ALLEN CHRISTIAN UNION 3 - 1 ENGLISH SOC PSYCHO ATHLETICO 1 - 0 EUROS

Roy Joy

The top three Premiership teams will play off against each other, the IMG champion decided by a Llanrumney Grand Final

BUSA Cardiff University Football Men’s 1sts 2 - 3 Glamorgan Football Men’s 2nds 2 - 3 Swansea Football Men’s 3rds 1 - 1 Swansea 3rds Football Men’s 4ths 0 - 1 Aberystwyth Football Women 3- 3 Bristol Basketball Men 90 - 40 Exeter Basketball Women 47 - 41 Gloucester Badminton Men’s 1sts 2 - 6 Exeter Badminton Men’s 2nds 2 - 8 UWE Hockey Men’s 1sts 3 - 1 Marjons Hockey Men’s 2nds 4 - 2 Bristol 4ths Hockey Men’s 3rds 6 - 2 UWIC 2nds Hockey Men’s 4ths 3 - 1 Swansea 2nds Hockey Women’s 1sts 8 - 0 Gloucester Hockey Women’s 2nds 2 - 1 Cardiff 3rds Rugby Men’s 1sts 6 - 42 Oxford Greyhounds Rugby Men’s 3rds 20 - 15 UWIC 4ths Rugby Women 61 - 5 UWE Tennis Men 0 - 10 UWIC Tennis Women 6 - 4 Gloucester Netball 2nds 56 - 24 Swansea 2nds Netball 3rds 25 - 25 Glamorgan 2nds Netball 4ths 56 - 18 Glamorgan 3rds Fencing Men 91 - 135 Bristol Volleyball Women 2 - 0 Aberystwyth Squash Men’s 1sts 2 - 3 Bristol Squash Men’s 2nds 3 - 2 Cardiff Medics Medics Results Football Men’s 4 - 1 Newport Football Men’s 2nds 4 - 0 Trinity 2nds Rugby Women’s 0 - 99 Gloucester Hockey Men’s 1sts 2 - 3 Bristol 2nds Hockey Women’s 1sts 0 - 3 Swansea Netball 1sts 38 - 60 Bristol Squash Men 2 - 3 Cardiff 2nds

IN THEIR FIRST fixture of the spring semester, a red hot Athletico Roy comfortably and stylishly overcame a lacklustre Irish Soc team, with captain and striker Dennis Hunt grabbing a hat-trick in the process.

The game started brightly, with both teams battling hard in midfield and Irish captain Andy Gibson showing his calibre in an intriguing battle with Athletico midfielder Behan. Athletico had much of the early pressure, winning numerous corners inside the first 20 minutes, and finally making Irish pay when Morgan smashed home a rebound from one of the corners to make it 1-0.

The remainder of the first half saw Athletico dominate without scoring, Dennis Hunt in particular guilty of missing some golden opportunities, and Irish centreback Crowly making some important tackles. Irish always looked dangerous on the counter attack despite Athletico’s pressure and if it wasn’t for the solid centre back pairing of Smith and Little, Athletico may not have gone into half-time with their slender onegoal lead.

The second half could have been a different story altogether had Athletico goalkeeper Horan not made a fine one-on-one save from Irish striker Orton in the early exchanges. Finally, striker Hunt converted a Behan cross from close range to settle the Athletico nerves. Hunt should have scored again soon after, but missed another simple opportunity.

Athletico’s very own Jose Mourinho, stand-in manager Dave Boston, then made an inspired substitution, bringing MJ Sly on to replace Martin in midfield. Sly immediately re-paid his manager’s faith, flicking in a Behan corner to give Athletico an unassailable 3-0 lead.

Then Irish seemed to press the self-destruct button as they conceded a number of goals in a matter of minutes. First, inspirational winger Pennman scored a fine solo goal, dribbling past four players before shooting past Irish ‘keeper Croft. MJ Sly then flicked a long clearance from Horan onto Hunt who lobbed the onrushing Irish custodian for his second goal of the game, and Hunt grabbed his hat-trick moments later when he fired a cool finish low into the corner of the net.

The game then seemed to peter out into a scrappy affair, before man-of-the-match Pennman scored his second in the final few minutes to give Athletico a resounding 7-0 win.

Page 44

University Sport

February 7 2005

sport@gairrhydd.com

THIRDS TRIUMPH IN TENSE THRILLER

SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORTFOLIO...SPORT

UWIC 4th XV....15 Cardiff 3rd XV...20

By Fraser Watson Rugby Reporter CARDIFF THIRD XV took the major scalp of a previously undefeated UWIC side in dramatic fashion at Cyncoed last Wednesday.

15-5 down with just ten minutes remaining, a thrilling finale saw tries from lock Ali Williams and skipper Nick Grant turn the game around, much to the delight of the vocal travelling Cardiff support.

After Phil Sales had bulldozed his way over the line to secure an early 7-0 lead, the home side took a firm grasp on the game - placing the Cardiff scrum under immense pressure - and soon levelled the game with a try from centre Stuart Williams.

After skipper Nick Grant came up short of the line moments before half-time, a penalty from UWIC scrum-half Rob Phillips coupled with a try from flanker John Thomas put UWIC into a seemingly commanding 15-5 lead at the interval.

Territorially, the second half belonged to Cardiff but scoring chances were at a premium until a frantic last quarter saw scrum-half Dave Lewis feed lock Williams who made no mistake just metres out. And, although Grant had appeared to have secured the win minutes later after latching onto fly-half Dewi Williams’ long pass, there was still room for drama.

UWIC goalkicker Phillips pulled a 30-metre penalty wide in the dying minutes. After Dewi Williams dropped a goal before being sinbinned in injury time, the Cardiff pack held off a ferocious last effort from the hosts for a superb win, leaving UWIC to contemplate a first defeat of the season.

?

r guide freaks? You port: d e g g le th ig E e sub-aqua s to this bizarr ritain in vented in B in s a w It ■ 1954 n as a uck’ is know ‘p d a le e h T ■ squid topush over 105 oc re a re e h T ■ UK clubs in the as es referred to m ti e m o s is ■ It hockey’ ‘underwater

OCTOPUSHERS’ GARDEN Gareth Evans invites you to meet Cardiff University’s top ‘underwater hockey’ players "OCTOPUSH? THAT’S a James Bond film isn’t it?"

"No", replied Emma Colley, "it’s underwater hockey".

"So how do you breathe?" I replied.

"We use snorkels, duh".

Hmm, needless to say, I had my doubts. I was asked to discuss a sport that sounded like something out of a Harry Potter movie. Even the Google search engine failed to give me any concrete evidence of Octopush’s existence. And just to confuse the matter, Colley’s friend and teammate, Jenna Jackson, added: "the sport has actually been compared to Quidditch!" This sounded too surreal so I asked the ladies to bring clarity to the situation.

They explained that Octopush, now more commonly known as underwater hockey, is a sport where teams of eight players push a lead puck around the bottom of a swimming pool with a small implement that resembles a hockey stick. Players wear goggles and a snorkel and aim to score goals by hitting the puck into tins at respective ends of the pool. Ah, it was beginning to make sense – perhaps we could think of Octopush as a waterlogged version of the arcade favourite ‘airhockey’. But Jackson quickly shot down this analogy; "This sport is amazing because it’s completely 3D. Most sports players can only move forwards, backwards or sideways but in Octopush we move up and down as

Pride of Lyons

By Ed Jones Sports Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY medicine student and netball international Samantha Lyons has decided to concentrate on her studies after helping England under-21s to a series win against South Africa in December.

Samantha is understandably pleased with her contribution to the 2-1 series victory. The 6ft 1 inch medical student said: "I did-

n't play in every game but I performed pretty well and loved every second of the action.

"It was a really incredible experience. There's nothing like playing in front of big crowds and hearing their reactions to everything you do".

Samantha has featured for England at various age groups and was vice-captain of the under-19s side that won the FENA Championships last year. The visit of the South Africans was particu-

well".

Both from Devon, Colley and Jackson are second year undergraduates in Medicine and Environmental Management respectively. As well as spending their evenings fulfilling the staple student lifestyle, that is guzzling alcohol, they are also well established athletes and represent Great Britain in Octopush. Jackson got into the sport about five years ago after seeing an advert at her local pool, while Colley says she got bored of swimming and looked to try something new. Neither has ever looked back. The lack of facilities in Cardiff means that they have to travel to Newport to play and when they’re in Devon they represent the South West ladies’ team.

As fun as the sport is, the expense can be a problem, especially at international level. With European championships in Marseilles and World Championships as far away as New Zealand and Canada, the cost of travel, equipment and training can run to thousands of pounds. Colley argued that they find it difficult to get sponsorship and were denied a bursary because Octopush is not officially recognised by Sport England.

Cardiff University and Sport England should wake up to the fact that submerged games are the future.

So, don your swimsuits, jump into the bath and start practising for the Octopush craze that will one day sweep Great Britain.

England netball international and Cardiff Medic Samantha Lyons talks about her decision to turn her back on top level competition after South African swansong

larly demanding though: "It was solid netball for two weeks - quite an intense environment to be in without going crazy.

“I'm not turning my back on netball completely, but medicine is what's going to make me money, not netball” "The South Africans put up a really good fight. They've got a

completely different style of play to us. Whereas English players are very fast, the South Africans are really strong in the air and play a real elevation game".

For now, Samantha plans to focus more of her attention on her degree and university life: "I'm going to have to take a step back from netball, simply because I can't actually fit it all in with work.

I just need a bit of time to settle in and get everything sorted. I'm not turning my back on netball

completely, but medicine is what's going to make me money, not netball".

Samantha is clearly passionate about her sport and is disappointed that she will now miss out on this summer's under-21 World Championships: "It was a horrible decision to have to make.

My parents and various other influences felt quite strongly about it. I'm still doing all my training and I love playing for the university".

February 7 2005

University Sport

Page 45

sport@gairrhydd.com

Shooting to promotion Cardiff 56 Swansea 24

By Jenny Green Chief Netball Correspondent

PHOTO: Charlotte Harries

CARDIFF ALL BUT sealed a promotion play-off berth with a comfortable victory over arch-rivals Swansea.

Only an unlikely series of results will prevent Cardiff netball’s second string from obtaining the coveted slot, while a final day draw would see them clinch the title.

Cardiff started with enthusiasm and drive, playing the whole match at a high tempo. Strong attacking play from Sian Ebden and Jo Clarke, along with accurate shooting from Sinead Irish and Jen Green, helped Cardiff to an early lead.

In defence, captain Adina Campbell and Jackie Overington made several valuable interceptions, while the returning Helen

Dutton bolstered the back line despite a long lay-off through injury.

At half-time, Cardiff swapped their team around, but still managed to keep up a good goal difference. Vicki Tomkinson made a number of strong interceptions, frequently resulting in valuable Cardiff scoring opportunities. Katy Smith was also strong in attack, adding to the home side’s impressive tally.

The defence continued to be strong in the second period, with Sophie Gallop and Ellie Doyle playing well.

Jen Green was awarded player of the match for a committed performance in the circle and accurate shooting.

Cardiff’s team-work and united spirit was a theme of the match, as both players and spectators got behind the side.

In the mood for Six Rugby Cardiff student Tuttiet represents Wales

drop decider

Tim Lewis Sports Correspondent

PHILIPPA TUTTIET has been selected to represent Wales in the forthcoming women’s Six Nations Championship.

It is not the first time she has been involved in face a relegation show- the international scene, CARDIFF’S FIRST XV RUGBY g to rely on results else- having toured South down on Wednesday, needin the Premier Division. in Africa in the autumn with y where if they are to sta sly for the the Welsh squad and being vou ner t wai to ed forc be Cardiff will close rivals Imperial part of the winning result from Oxford, where sh side to relegation Samurai world sevens team Medics will consign the Wel ys. in front of a 25,000-strong Gre if they can defeat the . Imperial crowd in Dubai. diff Car for s inou om are s The sign ember and a Tuttiet misses out on the defeated Oxford 27-17 in Nov end of chance to play against the ll spe ld wou ult res repeat top flight.

England in the opening fixCardiff ’s one year stay in the tom ture, having been unable to Cardiff do, however, play bot attend national training camps side Brunel and a resounding because of her regional team win could yet save them. commitments.

The disappointment of not

being able to face the old enemy is obvious: “The rivalry is huge. When you pull on the red shirt, all you think about is winning,” she says.

When you pull on the red shirt, all you think about is winning The second game of the tournament against Spain is where Philippa is hoping she can claim a starting place and

make her mark on the Six Nations.

With qualification for next year’s World Cup at stake, Tuttiet knows the team must f inish as high as possible: “Realistically, we can push for third place. England are the favourites, they have the edge over everyone”.

Involvement in the squad would be a dream come true for most players, but not for the Cardiff student: “It’s never enough, I always want to achieve more”.

Tuttiet’s commitment to the international cause is admirable, training up to twice a day and playing for four different teams, including Wales. gair rhydd will keep you up to date with the Six Nations and Philippa’s progress throughout the duration of the Championship.

Sport in brief Lan-cast out of BUSA LANCASTER University’s entire rugby club has been suspended after the team’s tour to Poland ended in violence.

20 members of the touring squad have been suspended by the Students’ Union from all sport after the team’s tour company complained about the side’s behaviour.

Broken windows, doors and damage to other hotel property led to the dramatic action being taken. The club will only be allowed to re-open at the start of the next academic year.

The club has now withdrawn from BUSA, the annual Roses match and the Lancashire Cup. Lancaster’s rugby club chairman Pedr Jones explained: “There is no denying that certain aspects of our behaviour were unacceptable. We are not going to appeal as we feel it will fall upon deaf ears.

“There is a unanimous feeling of regret and dismay.”

So close to la-crossing the winning post CARDIFF’S all-conquering lacrosse team will clinch promotion to the BUSA Championship on Wednesday if they avoid defeat against the University of Gloucestershire.

Having won all five of their league games, a point will see Cardiff’s only remaining unbeaten first team secure the Western Conference title.

Fourths promoted THE MEN’S Hockey fourth XI sealed the BUSA Western Conference 4A title on Wednesday with a 3-1 away victory against Swansea seconds.

Swansea were a tough proposition, performing in front of noisy support and featuring one or two first team players in the side.

In a terrific encounter, Cardiff were required to show the style and committmant that has charactised their campaign.

Greg Jones secured an early lead while Christian Oliver and Rob Miller offered the finishing touches. The fourths won all eight of their fixtures for the second year in succession and amassed a positive goal difference of 34.

After the game, champagnesoaked skipper Mark Gabriel enthused: “It’s been an awesome year and a pleasure to play with all

University Sport

February 7 2005

Page 47

sport@gairrhydd.com

UWE LED A MERRI DANCE

Merriman shines as Cardiff women’s rugby team go on try-scoring rampage against UWE

By Philly Cox Hockey Reporter

Cardiff Women’s 1st XV............61 University of West of England...5

By Sarah Bellingham Rugby Reporter THERE WAS YET more home triumph for Cardiff ladies’ rugby as they hammered UWE 61-5 at Llanrumney last Wednesday.

The game began nervously with neither team making much progress, but it was Cardiff who made the early breakthrough, thanks to some intelligent passing by fly-half Mari Ropstad and full-back Philippa Tuttiet. This led to number eight Rachel Merriman scoring the first of her three successive tries.

The game was becoming frustrating for UWE as Cardiff sailed repeatedly over the try line, and this frustration was shown in some aggressive and dirty play, which meant a trip to the sin-bin for their full-back. Despite this, Cardiff concluded the first half on a high note, with second row Holly Searle scoring a try after a determined drive over the line.

During the second half, the scrums became disorganised and collapsed several times. This led UWE to request they be uncontested for the remainder of the game.

Gaps began to appear in UWE’s defensive line and this was exploited by fly-half Mari Ropstad and wingers Enora Mandon and Emily Shepherd, who made some ground and ensured that the ball remained in the UWE end for the majority of the second half.

Ladies’ hockey firsts in gr-eight form

The forwards also made several great drives, with excellent rucking from Holly Searle and Stella McGourty, maintaining Cardiff’s dominant possession of the ball.

Further tries were scored by Ropstad, centre Francisca Acuna and scrum-half Zoe Prytherch, whose hat-trick led to her, along with Rachel Merriman, being awarded player of the match.

The final try of the game went to UWE, after their full-back made a break and out-ran Tuttiet to the try line, but this was little consolation for the west-country team - Cardiff had beaten them by a considerable amount for a second time.

The victory came after Cardiff b e a t

Gloucester before the Christmas break. This was a massive boost for the team as Gloucester emerge as their closest competitors for the BUSA title. Cardiff are now in a great position in the league, and are preparing for a tough match on Saturday against Cardiff Medics.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

DEAD IN THE WATER?

CARDIFF’S LADIES’ FIRST XI continued their great form into the new year with a stunning 8-0 victor y over Gloucester in their first game of 2005.

The team travelled to Gloucester anticipating a very close game, having been defeated in the reverse fixture earlier in the season. Being the first game after Christmas, it was a struggle early on for the visitors with Gloucester making an explosive start.

However, with great teamwork and some skilful hockey, it was Cardiff's turn to startle Gloucester, and within 10 minutes, the visitors were two goals up. Some scrappy defending from Gloucester and persistent attacking from Cardiff's forwards and midfield culminated in the award of a penalty flick. Amelia Williams stepped up and scored with ease, only to prove herself again in the second half when a second flick was awarded.

Cardiff were not complacent, however, despite beginning the second half with a four-goal advantage. Sophie Blair completed her hat-trick, while Amelia Williams claimed four and Tamara Fateh scored the other in some style. The forwards caused havoc in the Gloucester defence and were ably supported by a midfield that was relentless in both attack and defence. Cardiff defended as solidly as ever and did a good job of giving goal-keeper Rhian Evans as little work to do as possible.

STORMY SEAS: Yachters call for funding

Finance issues threaten Cardiff University sailors

By Will Carson Sailing Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY yachting team’s 2005 campaign has been thrown into jeopardy amid a lack of funding. The team’s hopes of entering this year’s BUSA Student Yachting Nationals are quickly slipping away as they struggle to find sufficient money before the deadline at the end of February.

In previous years, the Yachting Team have received backing from private companies as well as sufficient funds from the Athletic Union. However, this year the team have encountered difficulties regarding sponsorship despite

organising fund-raising events, and the Union have yet to offer their support. Problems have not been helped by entry fees rising since 2004 – the team now have to raise £2650 in order to represent Cardiff University The event, which is being held this year at Royal Southern Yacht Club in Southampton between March 20 and 24, sees the largest one-design keelboat entry in the UK, with yachts from over 30 universities competing for the top spot. Cardiff is one of the top sailing universities in the UK, and results in past Yachting Nationals show successful campaigns; the team managed seventh place in 2003, followed by 11th place in

2004.

As the only yachting team in Wales, Cardiff University automatically qualify for the World Championships and were lucky enough to find the funds to enter in 2003, in which they came eighth.

However, despite qualification for the 2004 Worlds, the team were forced to stay at home due to lack of funds, missing out on a great opportunity to represent the university abroad.

Campaign Co-ordinator Nick Simmons is keen to express how important entry to the 2005 Student Yachting Nationals is: "It’s essential to maintain Cardiff

U n i ’s reputation as a strong, competitive sailing uni. If we can’t enter this event we will lose not only entry to the World Championships but also important publicity for the University".

The t e a m itself consists of eight sailors, two of whom must be female. The team has a solid core of devoted members with a vast experience of yachting, including racing on the Solent Circuit, Cowes Week and Cork Week, as well as offshore long-distance racing.

Spor t gair rhydd

NETBALL:

HOCKEY: SWANSEA II...1 CARDIFF IV...3 REPORT: PAGE 45

RUGBY: OXFORD GREYS....42 CARDIFF 1ST XV....6 REPORT: PAGE 45

FOOTBALL: CARDIFF 1ST X1...2 GLAMORGAN.......3 REPORT: PAGE 46

CHAMPIONS Women’s football, men’s hockey fourths and Medics men’s rugby all bag titles

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

Cardiff University- 3 Bristol University - 3

BUSA Pos

1 Cardiff ter 2 Glouces l to is Br 3

ference 1A Western Con P

W

D

L

9 9

7

1

1

5

2

9

4

4

2 1

GD Pts 23 22 19 24

17 16

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES: Emma Jones evades a Bristol defender

Women’s football team crowned league champions after draw against Bristol

By Jo Roberts Football Reporter CARDIFF LADIES’ football team secured the BUSA championship in their penultimate fixture of the season after a draw against Bristol last Wednesday.

Needing only a point to clinch the title, Cardiff shared six goals with near neighbours Bristol in a tense and entertaining game.

Both sides started strongly in the first 15 minutes, with early shots flying wide at each end.

However, it was Cardiff who were the first to stamp their authority on the game, with a goal on 18 minutes from Emma Jones, who controlled the ball in a crowded penalty area before turning and firing into the back of the net.

But just three minutes later, Bristol were level again, as Cardiff ‘keeper Sarah Newbury was caught out by an awkward bounce, leaving her only able to parry the ball into her own net.

Despite having a goal disallowed midway through the first

half, Cardiff fell behind moments before the interval, as the speed and skill of the Bristol attack got the better of the Welsh side’s defence to slot the ball home from a few yards.

Bristol started the second half with more dangerous attacking moves. However, the home side began to take control, firing warning shots to the visitors, as Alex Joannides hit the bar and Kelly Turl sent a shot wide.

The increased pressure paid off on the hour mark when a well-

placed pass from Jones found Joannides up front and the Bristol defence could only watch as she slotted the ball over the line.

Cardiff thought they had won it at the death as Joannides got her second, but with the final whistle just seconds away, they conceded a penalty.

Newbury was unable to keep out the spot-kick, despite getting a hand to it and the points were shared. The point was enough to give Cardiff the title and secure promotion.

Davies’ Marvellous Medics

By Hugh Gripper Rugby Reporter CARDIFF’S MEDICS RUGBY team have been crowned the UK’s number one medical school after defeating Cardiff University’s conquerors Imperial in the final of the Medics’ Cup. Imperial, London Medical Schools’ Cup holders, arrived in Cardiff buoyed by their recent victory over Cardiff University, looking confident of returning from the Welsh capital with another win under their belts.

However, it was not to be, as the Cardiff Medics put in a hugely impressive and committed second half performance to overturn a 17-12 half time deficit.

The game started well for the Medics, with sustained pressure on the Imperial line finally resulting in a try for Rhidian Jones after a wellworked lineout move.

However, Imperial promptly replied with a penalty after indiscipline cost Cardiff. Things got worse soon after, as some sloppy defending allowed the speedy Imperial backs to score a converted try to take the lead.

Questions were again asked of the Cardiff defence as Imperial scored a second converted try and nearly added a third.

Only heroic last-ditch tackling in the corner from James Gough and Rhys Griffiths denied the London side - Griffiths knocking himself unconscious in the process.

This heralded the introduction of crowd-pleasing winger Rhys Thomas, who went close to scoring a try with almost his first touch of the ball, following some great work along the right touchline by Gereint Williams.

A penalty miss from the Imperial fly-half proved pivotal, as Cardiff responded just before half-time with Williams racing in for a try converted

by Chris Jones.

In a second half characterised by solid Welsh defence and dominance at the lineout from Andrew Miller, Imperial lost their way as Cardiff ’s play drained their opponents’ stamina.

A great solo effort from Thomas and a well-worked team try, finished

by Dylan Rees, gave Cardiff a lead that they never looked like relinquishing.

As the ecstatic home crowd roared their team off the pitch, coach Huw Davies commented: "The game was a great indicator of the level we can compete at, having beaten a side from the league above.”

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