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ISSUE 768. SEPTEMBER 27 2004
free word - EST. 1972
gair rhydd
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
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LAPTOP ANYONE? ❏ 1 in 3 students
are victims of crime
LAPTOP: there for the taking
❏ 31 thefts of bags and phones since September 1 ❏ 3 laptop thefts in a week By Paul Dicken News Editor STARK FIGURES released by the home office this month reveal that one in three students have been victims of crime. Although Cardiff has a figure closer to one in ten, thefts from students in the city are running high before term has even started. In the last few weeks a man was arrested and charged with nine counts of burglary or attempted burglary. The man, posing as a student, went around student houses asking for help connecting up his own computer. He asked people to come
round to his house and help him setup his new computer. When outside, he told the person in question that he had forgotten his keys and had to visit his girlfriend’s flat to collect them. While the victim of the elaborate scam was waiting for the front door keys, the man went back to the empty house kicked in the door and stole whatever he could, specifically targeting laptops. Other burglaries have also been reported in the Cathays and Roath areas, but in some of these cases the doors have been left unlocked and the occupants have been unable to claim compensation because their insurance is not valid. PC Bob Keohane, Student Liaison
Officer for Cardiff, has urged students moving into private accomodation to be vigilant, and ensure all doors fitted with locks are secured when leaving the house to safeguard property and validate insurance guarantees. The police have stated that a lot of student homes are easy pickings for burgulars with five or more computers, stereos and televisions in each house, with these items often visible through windows, attracting theives. Laptops are an especially high commodity. It has been suggested that laptop computers are sold abroad for £100, a lot more than the value of a stolen phone. Three students were mugged carrying their laptops near
Roath Recreation Ground, and Lowther Road. PC Keohane, said that all the victims were carrying their computers in distinctive laptop cases, the reason the police believe they were targeted. He added that carrying a laptop in a more inconspicuous bag is often the best deterrent. There are products available that can trace stolen laptops. The Theft Trace program enables a three year registration period where a stolen laptop activated online can be traced. Homes are not the only area being targeted by criminals. Since the beginning of September thirty-one students have had their bag or phone stolen on licenced premises in
Cardiff. Police commented that although street crime statistics are relatively low, theft from clubs and pubs is very common. Catherine Andrew, a 2nd year Architecture student was at Club X last friday night, only to have her bag snatched while her back was turned, she said: “I went into the loos and put my bag down on the side of the sink, as I turned around, after checking my hair in the mirror, my bag was gone.” Although Catherine’s bag didn’t contain any money, the bag had high sentimental value and the contents was worth nearly five hundred pounds: “It had my purse, my digital camera, phone and make-up, my life basically. It’s devastating.”
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At
a glance
News Science Opinion Letters Media Jobs and Money Listings Competitions SVC Television Five Minute Fun Problem Page Sport
1 8 9 12 15 16 18 21 22 25 34 35 37
EDITOR Gary Andrews DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony
ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman, Jim Sefton TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Will Dean, John Widdop, Katie Brunt LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Position Vacant SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell FIVE MINUTE FUN Position Vacant COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Maria Cox, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS Jasmine Cooper, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS Laura Murphy, Gemma Williams, Matt Wilkins, Fathia Ali, Bethany Whiteside, James Watkins,Dan Ashcroft, Laura Murphy
ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union
DATE RAPE STOPPA Cardiff Students’ Union leads the way in drink spiking prevention By Gemma Williams Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union has become the only bar in Cardiff to take an active measure against the rise of date-rape by stocking the new ‘Spika Stoppa’ prevention method. The introduction of the device comes after a recent Channel 4 documentary shamed Cardiff as the worst city for drug induced sexual assaults. According to the BBC news website, ‘more than 350 people in Wales contacted the Yorkshirebased counselling service, the Roofie Foundation, in 2002, to say that they had been sexually assaulted after having their drink spiked’. The small re-useable stopper has
a hole in it for a straw which makes spiking the drink much more difficult. The Spika Stoppa was developed by a small South Wales business and was launched in April this year. It has the backing of Cardiff police, with PC Bob Keohane, College Liaison Community Officer, commented: “Any scheme like this that increases safety is a good thing and we would encourage the use of devices like this throughout Cardiff city centre’. According to an article from the University of Kentucky Medical Centre the two most commonly used drugs, GHB (gamma hydroxybutyrate) and Rohypnol have serious effects on the mental state of the victim, including impaired memory, lack of judgement, drowsiness, dizziness and confu-
sion. Alcohol and other drugs enhance the effect of increasing a victim’s disorientation and intoxicated state. Despite the common misconception, the drugs can be detected in a victims system. There will also be test-kits behind the Taf in the bar. CUSU Bars Manager, Keith Owen, said ‘by stocking this new device…we are doing everything we can to ensure the safety of students within our building’. All students are urged to be extra vigilant whilst out drinking and follow the simple guidelines like not drinking beverages that you have not bought for yourself, and never leave your drink unattended whilst dancing or using the toilet. The Spika Stoppas will be available, free of charge, from the student bars during the fresher period.
NASER PIECE OF WORK By David Doyle News Editor DR. KAMAL Naser, a senior lecturer at Cardiff University, has been suspended after an investigation found him guilty of plagiarising a former student’s PhD thesis. The accounting lecturer allegedly lifted material from the work of Abdulraham Al-razeen, a lecturer from Al-Imam University in Saudi Arabia, who worked alongside Dr Naser at Cardiff Business School.
Dr. Al-razeen claims that two articles submitted to international journals by Dr Naser contain his work. Dr. Al-razeen said: “I am very saddened that someone from a reputable business school can undertake such a misconduct.” Cardiff University responded with an inquiry into Dr. Naser’s conduct. The investigation found allegations sustainable with regard to two of Dr. Naser’s published article. A university spokesperson told gair rhydd that a member of staff has been suspended and will be
leaving his employment at the university at the end of the year due to allegations of misconduct. Dr Naser rejects the allegations saying that there are a umber of significant differences between his work and that of Dr Al-razeen. He said: I would like to see clear guidelines to prevent similar incidents in the future.” However the university spokesperson insisted that the guidelines have been considerably strengthened. He said: “There was no doubt that those guidelines were broken.”
News in brief
Stadium Ball scrapped Plans for a Christmas Ball in the Millenium Stadium this year have been scrapped as negotiations over price between the two involved parties fell through. Negotiations are still going ahead to hold the ball in 2005.
Oxford rejects perfect marks
A girl has been rejected to read Classics at Oxford University despite being the only student ever to gain 100% in her Greek ‘A’ level.
You’ve got it easy
A Times Higher Educational Suppliment survey of young academics suggests that today’s undergraduates need more spoonfeeding than ever before.
Cardiff organises commerce event The first Advanced e-Commerce Advisor Training event, organised by the e-Commerce Innovation centre at cardiff university, will be held in cardiff on the 6th October. The event is aimed at business advisors from small and medium sized businesses and will include a full day of Microsoft presentations on Productivity and Security for SMB’s.
Britain drops down education league
Britain had dropped down to 24th in the Orgainisation for Economic Co-operatioan and Development’s annual report as the number of 1519 year olds leaving education increases to 75.3%. Britain was overtaken in the list by Slovakia and, out of the countries surveyed only Mexico, Portugal and Turkey were worse.
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SHARING THE WEALTH Trip to Cuba brings joy to disadvantaged children
However, two weeks lazing on the beach and sipping cocktails was not what Richard had in mind. Knowing how impoverished many people are in the communist country, he decided to help out. Speaking to gair rhydd he said: "I think Cuba is a great place, the people are really proud of their country. They have a good health and education service but so many inhabitants are still very poor. As I was going there anyway, I decided to bring with me a collection of things that the people would appreciate." Along with a collection of his own clothes, Richard went to the Union Bars Office where Keith Owen, the Bar Manager, donated t-shirts, footballs and beanie hats. Heading towards the South-East of the island, Richard and his wife chose to donate the goods to small village schools where the children most needed help. "We gave footballs and clothes to the kids who didn't ask for them as we wanted to help the most needy and grateful. A lot of the t-shirts were too big for the children so we gave some to the teachers too. All of them seemed really chuffed." The country is now slowly recovering from a severe economic recession in 1990 and the average Cuban's standard of living remains low. The government reluctantly allows a large dollar market sector, fuelled by tourism and remittances from Cubans abroad. When asked what he thought would happen to Cuba when its president, Fidel Castro's leadership ends, Richard said: "Apparently one of his sons is going to take over, but I just hope that Cuba won't lose its charm and identity." He hopes to return to the country in the future but would like to learn some Spanish first.
Photos: Richard Lilly
AFTER CARDIFF PhD student Richard Lilly married his fiancé in June, the newlyweds set off for their honeymoon in Cuba.
Graduates go back to school By Matt Wilkin Reporter A LARGE NUMBER of students presume that their degree will act as a gateway to a well-paid job in their chosen field, once they have graduated. But for many, the doors have been slammed shut – because they are under qualified. In a job market, which is now saturated with university-educated graduates, students are returning to school or college to improve their A-level grades, in desperate attempts at winning job interviews. Even postgraduates have been
forced to take a backwards step as they have discovered employers will not consider anyone without top Alevels. It means that even if a student graduates with a respectable Second Class degree, they could still be turned away if their preceding academic record fails to impress the employer. Julie Hepburn, a consultant and deputy director of the University Careers Service in Corbett Road, said, "In those occupations where you’re required to sit professional exams – accountancy and finance as examples – you certainly need to have accrued a certain number of
points from A-level grades. That’s in addition to achieving a good degree. "Companies very often follow a check-list procedure, and if you haven’t obtained a certain qualification, your application isn’t often considered any further. "However, some employers specify that those [A-level] grades should be achieved in one sitting – in which case, it’s inadvisable to retake any exams." But Ms Hepburn believes that completing work experience in your area of interest will always benefit an application for employment or further training. She said: "Without doubt, a stu-
dent that has demonstrated an active commitment to their chosen career will impress an employer and is near essential in fields like arts administration and conservation."
The Careers Service is located at 5 Corbett Road (opposite the Redwood building) and more information can be obtained from the website at www.cardiff.ac.uk/caas.
OPENING DOORS: The Careers Service on Corbett Road.
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Overseas exploitation An OFFA they can’t refuse By James Watkins Reporter
AN ATTRACTIVE INVESTMENT: Swansea’s new European Business Management centre
By Dave Doyle News Editor A SWANSEA University lecturer has spoken out against the pressure to process higher fee paying international students to counter the burdening financial deficit. Colwyn Williamson, who founded the Council for Acadmic Freedom and Academic Standards (CAFAS), says that a blind eye is being turned to practices ranging from direct plagiarism to lecturers doing their students’ work for them. At Swansea the vice chancellor, Professor Richard B. Davies, has ordered the closure of five traditional departments including chemistry, anthropology, sociology, philosophy and development studies. In addition, a brand new management school has opened. This restructuring has led to an investigation by the University’s Visitor, Phillip Havers QC. Mr Williamson believes the change is a ploy to ‘attack the far eastern market to attract the more lucrative overseas students.’ International students pay up to £9,780 to study in
Swansea whilst a student from Swansea’s locality would only pay up to £1,250. It is the local poorer students that Mr Williamson believes will be worst hit by this restructuring. He told gair rhydd; “ The government is prattling on about access for poorer students whilst forcing universities to offer attractive courses for overseas students.”
“The aim is to process these students as cheaply as possible” It is not only British students who suffer through the emphasis on recruiting international students. Mr Williamson believes that many foreign students arriving in Britain are receiving an inferior education. Mr Williamson cites the many international students who are not
receiving proper language training when they get to Britain. This is leading to lower standards of work being accepted and lecturers helping more with students’ work. Mr Williamson also alleges that a senior member of staff at another Welsh univeristy was caught writing essays for an international student. “The phillistines at the top are desperate to get them here but not desperate to spend any money on them,” said Mr Williamson. “The aim is to process these students as cheaply as possible. We should be combining recruiting with intensive training. Going to university is like going to Tesco these days, the ethos is one of products and consumers.” Swansea University firmly denies the claims. A spokesperson for the university said: “The overall aim is for Swansea to become a world-class university – achieving research excellence and providing an up to date, career enhancing course.” The results of the Phillip Havers’ investigation are due at the end of this year.
UNIVERSITIES ACROSS England and Wales look set to charge students the maximum £3000 topup fee when they are introduced in 2006. According to a survey of 72 institutions carried out by The Guardian, as many as two-thirds of university vice-chancellors have already made plans to charge the highest level of tuition fees across the board. It would appear that many universities feel they have little choice in the matter, since charging less would make them appear ‘second-rate’ next to rival higher education institutions and would do little to boost their annual income. Even with the introduction of top-up fees most institutions still predict a financial struggle, with 72% claiming it will not provide enough income for the foreseeable future. Amid fresh concerns that universities will become over-populated by those from rich backgrounds, the Government has introduced the Office for Fair Access (OFFA), a new regulator seeking to encourage students from a wider range of social backgrounds into higher education.
NUS Vice-President of Education, Hannah Essex, commented recently that, ‘the introduction of the market into higher education means that as the ‘elite’ institutions move towards more private funding, such as research contracts and student fees, it is less likely that they will need, or want, to commit government recommendations on promoting fair access and admissions’. But, OFFA’s new rules state that in order to justify charging the maximum £3000 per student, English universities must follow a six-point plan to provide bursaries and financial assistance to those groups ‘underrepresented in higher education’. University vice-chancellors have no choice in the matter, even though most think it will prove unsuccessful: 61% of those surveyed believe that it will have no effect on attempts to widen access. Although no equivalent to OFFA currently exists in Wales, the National Assembly will be looking to establish a similar Office by 2007, the year in which top-up fees are likely to be introduced this side of the border. Welsh universities are also expected to follow suit with regard to charging the maximum tuition fees in order to compete with their rivals.
Cardiff climbs
Twisted firestarter By Jonathan Astle News Editor A CARDIFF University student destroyed the house of his pregnant ex-girlfriend by setting fire to it, Cardiff Magistrates’ Court learned last week. 19-year-old Martin Grew was a first-year architecture student when his relationship started with Rachel Williams, from Whitchurch. Last week he pleaded guilty to a charge of arson with intent to endanger the lives of the family. The prosecution alleged that Grew committed the offence on realising
that his new girlfriend was about to find out about Rachel’s pregnancy. In the story, which emerged from his first court appearance on July 10, it was revealed that he had met someone new on returning to home to Surrey at Christmas. Over the next few months Grew’s relationship with Rachel apparently broke down, then in February, he learned of the pregnancy. The Crown alleged that Grew urged his girlfriend to have an abortion, although she decided to keep the baby. At his appearance in court last week, Grew was remanded in custody to await sentencing.
LOOKING UP: Cardiff is climbing the league tables
By Will Talmage News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has climbed four positions in The Times Good University Guide, compared to last year. The university now stands at twenty-first, improving on the previous position of twenty-fifth. In addition, seven subjects – City and Regional planning, Civil Engineering, English, Education, Optometry, Psychology and Theology - have been rated as
internationally outstanding in the latest research assessment, an improvement of six subjects compared to 1996. Nine out of ten researchers were placed in the top two of the seven categories which is one of the highest proportions in the UK. An audit by the Quality Assurance Agency complimented the university on its ‘powerful academic vision and well-developed and effectively articulated mission to achieve excellence in teaching and research’.
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News in brief
Cigarette date rape A 30-year old Swansea woman was allegedly raped after being drugged by a cigarette said to have been dipped in embalming fluid. Known as a ‘fry’, the cigarette is contaminated with surgical spirit. Police have issued a warning for women to be wary of cigarettes offered by strangers.
Cardiff car free day
Cardiff hosted a successful Car Free Day last Wednesday, when St. Mary’s Street was closed to traffic between 6am and 6pm. The event was part of an initiative aimed at reducing traffic levels and encouraging the use of public transport.
Casino to expand
The Les Croupiers casino, based on St. Mary’s Street, is set to undergo a £1.5 million expansion. The development is being carried out in anticipation of new gaming laws coming into effect in 18 months. The project will create 40 new jobs in the area.
Passport to Wales
For the first time the Welsh language is to be used in UK passports. The new high-tech documents will include information on retina, facial and fingerprint scans.
Livingstone attacks tuition fees Ken Livingstone risked New Labour wrath in a strongly worded forward to a report on higher education in London. The capital’s mayor stated his ‘irrevocable’ opposition to charging students any kind of tuition fee, in contrast to the government’s policy.
Down the Luton
Forty percent of Luton students would not recommend their institution to a friend, according to documents given to the Times Higher Education Supplement.
Harvard is well-endowed Harvard University has announced that its vast endowment has passed the twenty billion dollar mark in the year to the end of June. This is twenty-five times more than the best endowed UK university.
TORIES TRASH TOP-UP FEES By Fathis Ali Reporter THE TORIES have unveiled their alternative to top up fees with plans to abolish tuition fees and charge higher rates of interest on loans instead. This new Tory policy could see graduate debt being halved to about £10,000. Studies have shown that if Labour passes the Higher Education Act, thereby introducing top-up fees, students may be leaving university with debts of up to £33,000 by 2010. The Tories answer focuses on students paying a commercial rate of interest on their student loans but no longer paying tuition fees. At present, students pay significantly lower amounts of interest fixed at the rate of inflation.
young people is a high debt, low income future. Tories will scrap Labour’s tuition fees and top-up fees, meaning that access to higher education is based on ability to learn and not ability to pay.’ Although top-up fees have not yet been introduced in Wales, there is serious consideration on the matter by the Welsh Assembly. There is a real possibility that the Act may well be passed in Wales too. An anti top-up fees demonstration has been organised for Thursday 2 December, outside the Welsh Assembly, in a bid to show the strength of feeling and opposition by Welsh students to Labour’s top-up fees plans.
“Students could leave university with debts of up to £33,000 by 2010.” Loans would be provided by an independent trust and interest would be charged at a commercial rate of about 6.5%. Students would only begin repaying loans once they earned over £15,000 and, after 25 years, any outstanding debts would be written off. A very large public subsidy of about £1.7 billion currently goes towards reducing the rate of interest that students pay. This money would be used in place of the money raised by tuition fees. The Shadow Secretary of State for Education, Tim Yeo, summarised the Tories stance on higher education stating, ‘Labour’s promise to our
TAXING: Michael Howard
Wales Open to Private Universities By Bethany Whiteside Reporter THE WELSH Assembly has controversially approved the goahead for a new league of privately- run universities. Private universities and colleges will no longer require research degree awarding powers, once considered a core ingredient to gaining a University status. The decision looks set to faces strong opposition from existing universities. Lecturers’ unions and Vicechancellors have argued that the reputation of UK universities abroad will be irretrievably damaged by this decision. They fear British universities will exist out of step with the rest of Europe. and that the vital link between teaching and research, if broken, damages the high standards aspired to by higher education. The assurance given by the higher education minister, Alan Johnson, that “ Quality and standards will remain the overriding factor in gaining degree-awarding powers and university title” have done little to quell these fears. However, Universities UK has concluded that as the necessary “research-informed environment” is already present in higher education, Universities UK will accept these new members who aspire to the University title. The removal of a previous requirement that five subject areas must exist in the said institution to apply for the University title has caused the way to be paved for smaller specialist universities to come into their own. The Assembly Education Minister, Jane Davidson, has noted the positive impact this new criterion will have on “non-traditional higher education organizations” in applying for degree-awarding status. An obvious benefit of this expansion in higher
education concerns the link between the diversity of this sector and the new flexibility being employed: never will there be so many options open to higher education students. Patricia Ambrose, executive secretary of The Standing Conference of Principals, announced that these new universities will “play to their strengths as teaching-excellent institutions.” However, fears have already arisen in England that the adoption of this new degree-awarding criteria will result in American for-profit universities and private specialist universities. One welcome concession though will be enforced; namely that the powers of private organizations will only be for fixed periods and shall be routinely audited. In contrast to this the degree awarding powers held by existing universities is continuing indefinitely. Linked to the fear of corporate institutions is the issue of a market economy within the ‘university world.’ The freedom for these ‘new’ universities to charge extortionate fees may result in a segregation of values and standards conflicting with existing universities. Gair Rhydd has already provided extensive coverage of the lecturer strikes of this year in their campaign for fair pay and the implications of high fees on working and middleclass students. Fear is present that this instigation of a new university league will exacerbate the issues mentioned above and comparison to the elitist Ivy League only serves to intensify controversy. The news concerning this wave of teaching-only universities has been greeted cautiously by the president of NUS Wales; “The Welsh Assembly Government is trying to promote Wales as ‘the learning country,’ however the wish exists that this vision will not “open the door to private universities in Wales.”
UNIVERSITY ENTRY OVER-HAUL By Fathis Ali Reporter A NEW government report suggests that students should be making their university choices after receiving their A Level results. This would make the whole university admissions process a lot more ‘fair’ and ‘open’, according to the report by a committee, headed by Professor Steven Schwartz. At present, students apply for university places before receiving results and most offers are made on the basis of information such as ‘impressionistic’ interviews and predicted ‘A’ Level results.
According to Professor Schwartz about half of these predicted grades are later shown to be wrong. He also states; ‘We really do have to seriously move to a post qualification admissions system because the current one just is not fair.’ The new proposed system would see students completing their applications after having their ‘A’ Level results. The current system of applications and interviews will remain in place. However changes to university places would be possible after students received results thanks to a new clearing-style option. They would have the option of making
new choices, based on their results. Students who do better then expected and pupils who lack the confidence to apply will benefit by being given the option of taking up places after receiving their results. Pupils will no longer be as restricted by choices made at an earlier time, when they were unaware of their performance. The new proposals received praise from Charles Clarke, the Education Secretary who said; ‘It must be fairer for students to know their final results before making important choices about where and what to study.’ Jane Davidson, the Welsh Assembly Education Minister, also
agreed and supported the suggestions saying that she would consider the implications due to its UKwide impact. However, the proposals have received criticisms from admissions tutors and the National Union of Students. Matthew Andrews, an admissions tutor, voiced his concerns saying ‘We’ll be driven to look purely at grades rather than taking account of the broader application.’ The NUS backed this up by accusing the new report of being a failed chance to improve access and actually posing more obstacles for pupils looking to enter higher education.
Students to apply after receiving ‘A’ level results
World News
September 27 2004
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World News Round-up
THE CARIBBEAN: Hurricane Alley
By Paul Dicken News Editor
HAITI: suffers the floods
Hurricane holiday By Paul Dicken News Editor
AS HURRICANE season rolls on until its close at the end of November, the Boscastle disaster and global warming threats pail into insignificance as Tropical Storm Ivan and Hur ricane Jeanne have swept through the Caribbean bringing disaster. On Friday 17th September Hur ricane Ivan pummelled the South US coastline, from Louisiana to Florida, wreaking havoc with torrential rain and a 25ft wave. The authorities had ordered 10,000 body bags in New Orleans but the stranded inhabitants and holiday makers in the City were spared the full force of the hurricane. The Caribbean was the worst hit area. The Red Cross appealed for £2.6 million in aid
to provide for the basic needs of the people affected. Over on the Island of Haiti in the last few days Hur ricane Jeanne has hit with devastating impact. At least 700 hundred people have been killed, with estimates going up to 1,800 once everyone is accounted for. Mass deforestation on the island, where tree cover is down to 2%, has caused extensive soil erosion. The lack of tree cover in the area resulted in mudslides, which left 100,000 people in the city of Gonaives in desperate need of shelter and food. As Jeanne moves over the Bahamas, Florida is fearing their four th stor m this summer. Hurricanes Charley, Frances and Ivan have caused billions of dollars damage and more than sixty deaths in the U.S so far this year. Evacuation warnings have been
Russia reacts By Jon Astle News Editor THE RUSSIAN parliament has responded with great force to the recent terrorist attacks in Beslan. MPs debated severe counter-terrorism measures which would allow a state of war to be declared and great restrictions put on travel and the media. These included a ban on Russian television and radio journalists from reporting on a siege until it had finished. At the moment a state of war can only be declared in reaction to
KREMLIN: Under pressure
an armed invasion by another country. According to some MPs, the planned laws would enable the Russian government to declare a state of war in response to “a terrorist action representing a threat to national security” curbing civil liberties at short notice. The Duma, the lower house of parliament, is composed of twothirds of MPs from the Putin-supporting United Russia party. This had lead to fears that the legislation may be an attempt to concentrate power futher at the Kremlin. The proposals have attracted criticism from unexpected sources. Speaking in Russian daily, Moscow News, former president Boris Yeltsin warned his successor that degrading civil rights would be a step backwards. He said: "The stifling of freedoms and the rolling back of democratic rights will mean, among other things, that the ter rorists have won".
eff icient on the American mainland, an opportunity not afforded to some of the isolated islands of the Caribbean, where poverty
“At least 700 hundred people have been killed, with estimates going up to 1800” makes the effects of natural disaster even more severe. Whether this year has been a
worse year for storms than any other is a debated topic, though the science seems to suggest not. Last year was an equally active season of storms but, as BBC Online reported, few of the storms that occur red in the atmosphere actually had any impact on the ground. It is near enough impossible to gauge the effects of global warming on tropical storms. Rising sea temperatures are only one of many factors which produce hurricanes across the world. On the whole, this hurricane holiday has been a little different but not more active than in recent years. The most costly of all hurricanes was in 1992, when hur ricane Andrew ripped up one of the wealthiest suburbs of Florida. It is perhaps more benef icial to look at the human causes that worsen hurricanes on ground level.
UN ask for a global ceasefire By Jon Astle News Editor LAST TUESDAY 21 September saw the celebration of International Peace Day. The day is aimed at promoting global non-violence, supposedly a day of ceasefire from armed conflict, which has claimed 400,000 lives per year since 1945. United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan rang the Peace Bell at UN
Headquarters in New York. Standing alongside UN Messenger of Peace, Muhammad Ali, he said, "we need to keep working to strengthen the system of collective security, and make sure it is up to the task of meeting the threats of the 21st century". He also mentioned the situation in Darfur, where 1.5 million have been displaced, as an example of, "the need to build greater international solidarity in tackling humanitarian emergencies". PEACE: Kofi Annan
OVER IN the Middle East the situation in Iraq is getting no better as elections on both sides of the ocean approach. The forthcoming elections in Iraq seem precariously placed as violence is only getting worse and the power of the interim government is being undermined by the US government. The British hostage Ken Bigley was screened in a television broadcast pleading for his life; a day after a compromise had seemed imminent. The demands of the terrorists to release all women prisoners were close to being met in some way; Iraqi officials had appeared to have agreed the release of two senior scientists from Sadam Hussein’s regime, only for U.S statements to contradict this line from Iraq. The Guardian Unlimited reported that key decisions are still being made by America, including the issue of detainees from the former regime. The group responsible for the kidnappings are known as Tawhid and Jihad. The militant group executed the two American hostages who were being held with Kenneth Bigley. The kidnapping of workers in Iraq is an escalating problem. A Turkish company has ceased operations in the country to ensure the release of its employees, but contracts and reconstruction work is continuing apace. BBC Online quoted Amec – a British Company in Iraq – who said: "If our security advisors said they could not protect us in Iraq then we would have to look again at the situation, but that has not happened." Meanwhile in New York President Bush was addressing the UN. He declared "this young century will be liberty’s century" in his usual style. He attempted to add substance to his claims by extending the attack on terrorism to Aids, and relieving developing countries of debt among other things. Much of this was probably lost on Secretary General Mr Kofi Annan who had earlier stepped over the line, only a little late, and criticised the US administration with indirect comments denouncing those countries who seek to "bestow legitimacy and invoke international law" only to "shamelessly disregard" it. Last week Mr Annan classified the US led war on Iraq as illegal. With the U.N commissioning an investigation to ensure they don’t use the word genocide unnecessarily for the Darfur Crisis, they may have felt like they needed a boost of authority and respect from around the world they embody. This may be helped India, Japan, Germany and Brazil who have launched a joint bid for permanent seats on the security council, in an attempt to share power in order to reflect the international community. The current permanent members are China, France, Russia, UK and United States.
Science
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It’s getting hot in here
With extreme weather becoming more regular, Chris Matthews investigates the consequences of global warming
D
id you enjoy your summer break or did an August with double the average rainfall deny you those precious evening barbeques and scorching beach trips, leaving you stuck inside watching hurricanes and flooding on the television? The memorable images of cars floating down the street in the Cornish village of Boscastle earlier this summer came as a shock to many people who remember summers when 38 degrees was reached. Many would agree that the weather in the UK is changing but don’t stop to ask why. Global warming has been discussed to such an extent that it is easy to become indifferent to what Friends of the Earth consider: “as big a threat to people and the planet as international terrorism.” Global warming is caused by the artificial enhancement of the greenhouse effect as gases are released into the atmosphere. Greenhouse gases are defined as gases which trap the sun’s energy as heat in the atmosphere including methane, water vapour. CFCs and CO2. Although CFCs have the strongest warming effect CO2 is released in greater quantities globally and is therefore a greater threat worldwide. The latest predictions from scientist is the temperature could rise by as much as five point eight degrees Celsius by 2100. This may not seem a large increase but it is thought to be a greater change in the next century than in the previous three million years that humans have inhabited Earth. Rising temperatures threaten a more unpredictable global weather system as well as melting polar ice caps causing flooding of major cities including London and New York. This is scary stuff but how many people believe that human induced climate change presents a significant risk to life on earth? The message of the danger of global warming has been broadcast widely for the last thirtyfive years but leading British scientist Professor James E. Lovelock, famed for describing the Earth’s function in terms of a single organism, is unconvinced that the public is receptive to this message. In a recent conference he stated: “Most of us think that something unpleasant may soon happen but we are as confused over what to do about it as we were in 1938.” When a leading scientist suggests that attitudes to greenhouse gases have not changed since the discovery of the link between rise in temperature and carbon dioxide concentration it is clear too many people are unaware or confused about global warming. It also appears that some world leaders have not taken the warnings issued by scientists particularly seriously either. The Kyoto agreement was drawn up in 1997 in an effort to reduce certain countries’ carbon dioxide emissions to lower than those of 1990. The agreement, shattered by America’s withdrawal in 2001, was made worse by President Bush’s firm decision that the U.S. would never sign the treaty.
Recently things seem to be turning in a new direction with Tony Blair stating that people must “accept the scientific evidence [for global warming] explicitly.” The US government also exclusively blamed human activity for global temperature rises. This idea of acceptance is not shared by the scientific community where papers exist which contest the validity of theories suggesting a link between CO2 emissions and drastic climate change. These papers suggest alternative explanations for the rise in global temperatures, some dismiss the conventional theory as utterly lacking in fact whatsoever. Others, such as sceptic Patrick Michaels, are milder, accepting that human influence has warmed the atmosphere, though disputing the current. One of these alternate studies conducted by Nobel laureate Paul Crutzenis focuses upon reduced cloud cover. In this report thinner layers of clouds are said to have been more prevalent in recent years resulting in more sunlight reaching the lower atmosphere (troposphere) causing an increase in the earth’s temperature. This change in cloud thickness is attributed to radiation entering the Earth’s atmosphere from deep space. These highly energetic particles are known as cosmic rays. Usually most of these rays are shielded from the Earth by the Sun’s magnetic field but the effectiveness of this shield changes according to the activities of the sun. The magnetic field is not constant, a clear cycle is present allowing variable numbers of cosmic rays into the atmosphere at different times, which is thought to strongly affect global cloud cover. Although these theories are respected in certain fields the majority accept that greenhouse gases induce climate change. Many charity groups appeal to people to reduce their carbon dioxide emissions by directly reducing the amount of fossil fuels burned in their household. They provide the statistic stating that the average US household releases 40,000kg of CO2 per year. This can be reduced by only three per cent by using a more efficient car; to make a real impact on household emissions a combination of changes inside and outside the home must be made to reduce energy consumption. Energy saving household appliances are common and can significantly reduce CO2 emissions, other factors include energy saving light bulbs, better insulation and reduced hot water usage. The change to reduce CO2 emissions is possible but it relies upon an individual’s willingness to fully commit to an energy saving lifestyle. It seems that time will tell as to the severity of the danger posed by global climate change, and only that same timescale will reveal whether the population of the planet is willing to undertake the necessary actions to prevent any potential disaster.
MELTING: Ice shelves could disappear as the earth heats up. LEFT: George Bush, who rejected the Koyoto Treaty
Political Opinion Dan Ashcroft on student choice and problems in the education system
Sepetmber 27 2004
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gropinion@cf.ac.uk
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n a society where those who choose not to work are given a statutory weekly allowance, the average student spends just over £80.00 supporting themselves through three years of youthful independence, only to come out in debts in excess of £15,000. And the government has the guile to complain of an under skilled workforce. Not many countries reward the unemployed with pay packets each week. We could just as well say "Hi, thanks for not working, come back next week to suck the funds out of our already strained public resources". What motivation is there for somebody needing to get a job? Then again, what would you expect from a society where the gov-
ernment slates its own workforce by saying that the numbers are underrepresented, and there are shortages in countless areas of our economy? It’s a vicious circle of contradiction. Take the average student, myself for example. Over the course of three years I’ll receive in excess of £12,000 which will be split in three amounts and so on and so forth. Following completion of the course (pending results, of course) I may get a job where I’m paid, maybe £15,000 annually – if I’m one of the lucky ones. After inflation from interest over the countless years of paying off small percentages, the
value of the loan will undoubtedly reach, well, £15,000. You could say that you’re working a year free for the government to pay off the countless support they’ve given you through university. Yeah, right. Coming to the point, following fifteen years of primary and secondary school education, who warms to the idea of an additional ten years of debt simply for performing well academically? Can you see where I’m going? There need to be clear incentives for students to opt for university ahead of other career options, currently geared towards popular modern apprenticeships. But still fees continue to rise.
“Students don’t want handouts...just options”
Nobody doubts that public services are short staffed. But for the government to make a song and dance
“Education has slumped behind public services in current policy” about shortages and then claim that academic performances are regressing; it’s not likely to spur on secondary school students. The underlying factor comes down
to this; students don’t want handouts, they just want options. At the moment options are severely limited due to tightening restrictions by educational establishments. Restrictions I hear you ask? Yes, the type of restrictions where universities are continually getting less funding from the public sector of the government. Furthermore the independence put upon universities has risen to such a degree that education has slumped behind public services in current policy. Restrictions mean unnecessary pressure for the student. It’s time for the current government infrastructure to reassess its policy towards education before the gulf between the educated and the uneducated widens to inconceivable proportions.
Victory for the left Crusade against smokers By Caroline Farwell Political Editor
T
he start of this new academic year means the start of a new leadership for the National Union of Students. The new NUS president Kat Fletcher replaced Mandy Telford this summer, signalling a change in direction for the world’s biggest democratic student organisation. Twenty-four year old Fletcher, who was last year defeated by Telford by just three votes, promised a ‘real change’ for the NUS, vowing to make the union more activist in it campaigning. Fletcher describes herself a socialist, and claims to be more left-leaning than her predecessor who stood as a Labour student. Declaring that she is ‘sick and tired of seeing the NUS tied to the New Labour Government’ the new president has clearly confirmed a change in the leadership’s political orientation. Even in the 2003 NUS elections Fletcher maintained that a choice between Telford and herself is more ‘a choice between a union hiding behind the coattails of Tony Blair and one that fights the government.’ Fletcher is more than aware of the accusations of a long established ‘cosy’ relationship between the NUS and the Labour Party and she now aims to loosen, if not completely untie, these alleged attachments. This change in political direction has prompted accusations of the NUS becoming ‘a left-wing loony’ organisation. But despite Fletcher’s stand point at the far-left of the political spectrum, she continues to win the support of students from Conservative Future, the faction representing the Tories at the NUS. Fletcher’s anti-Labour message has clearly not deterred Conservative students. Instead they are uniting with Fletcher over a common ground, specifically one that maintains an
opposition to the government’s infamous higher education policy. This year’s NUS election result may well be an indication of the potential loss of support from students that Labour faces. We will have to wait until next year when a general election is forecast to find out if Tony Blair will encounter an opposition similar to that which Telford failed to overcome. This victory for the far-left under Fletcher is an indication of the increasing gap between left-wing students and the Labour Party. Radical student movements of the 21st century, including the anti-capitalist lobby and more recently the anti-war campaign, have only had very loose ties with the NUS in the past. This is something which Fletcher seeks to change. For a union that represents five million students nationwide Fletcher has the task of creating an active and campaigning organisation out of what Telford has left behind. Her vision of ‘a vibrant future’ for the NUS promises an ‘injection of strength and conviction’ as well as renewed efforts to empower students. Notably Kat Fletcher talks about students ‘engaging in politics’. She seeks to leave behind the political dogmatism and apathy that critics have associated with the NUS, aiming to build in its place a strong and diverse campaigning force. Fletcher claims to be committed to getting all students registered to vote, agreeing that ‘the student voice is already a strong one but quite often it does not translate into votes’. At a time when student politics are high on the national agenda such calls for awareness and reaction are welcomed. With a general election likely to be held next year, Kat Fletcher’s claims of dedication to getting the student voice not only heard by actually listened to can only be embraced by the NUS. This is something that should enthuse those students who actually intend to vote in the next general election.
By Caroline Farwell Political Editor
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hether in Turkish tea houses, Greek taxis, Italian restaurants or on Spanish buses smoking is now strictly prohibited. Over one hundred US cities have banned smoking in public spaces and Northern Ireland has become the latest to join the initiative. With our European and Atlantic neighbours successfully implementing restrictions it appears Britain is falling behind in the campaign to publicly ban smoking. Pressure for an outright smoking ban across the country has grown and moves were made last month by London councillors to ban smoking in public places in the capital. Backed by London Mayor Ken Livingstone, the notion is currently undergoing consideration by council leaders and a private parliamentary bill will be drafted this autumn. The health secretary, John Reid, has also been in talks with publicans et al over the prospect of a ban in the capital. But the matter demands more urgency. Raising taxes on cigarettes, restricting tobacco advertising and issuing public health warnings are failing to confront the issue. Since the economic and social benefits clearly surpass the short-
comings of the proposed ban, renewed action is needed in Westminster. The chief medical officer Sir Liam Donaldson has stated that a smoking ban would yield an overall net benefit to society of £2.3bn to £2.7bn a year (the equivalent of treating up to 1.5 million hospital waiting list patients). In his third annual report Sir Liam also cited evidence that smoking bans in other countries had not damaged the profits of hospitality companies. Claiming that the number of customers in bars and restaurants had actually risen after a ban was introduced, Sir Liam said that ‘a major plank in the argument against smokefree public places and workplaces is thus removed’. Public support for a smoking ban is also increasing. The report said up to ‘80 per of people want to be able to work and socialise without unnecessarily imperiling their health’. We can conclude that the two thirds of our society that chooses not to smoke obviously has the right to socialise and work in a smoke-free environment. This right clearly outweighs the right that the minority has to smoke in the presence of others. Critics also say that that smoking bans in public spaces will destroy the established role of the pub in our cultural and social lives. So are they not effectively saying
“Renewed action is needed in Westminster”
that any attempts to save thousands of lives each year should clearly be secondary to the cigarette? How does being able to light up over a pint
“How does being able to light up over a pint affect our cultural heritage? ” affect our cultural heritage? Is this argument not completely ridiculous, flawed and misinformed? The shortsighted ignorance of those who actually lobby against moves to ban public-place smoking cannot prevail in the legislative process. How do they expect to be taken seriously and more importantly what possible argument is there to save their poor excuse for a cause? Concessions may have to be introduced given the controversy surrounding the proposed prohibition . Setting up separate rooms for smokers in restaurants is one idea, aiming to de-socialise smoking and discourage the habit by making it an inconvenience. So what harm is there in expecting smokers to step outside in the ‘fresh air’ for a cigarette? Why should everyone else have to pay the unhealthy and potentially fatal price for the smoking minority? If the future of our social and cultural existence is one dependent on the ability to light a cigarette in a pub then the outlook looks dismal.
Want to contribute? If you are interested in writing for the political section then come along to the gair rhydd meetings on mondays at 1.15pm on the fourth floor of the students’ union. Or you can email us at gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Editorial & Opinion
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September 27 2004
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gair rhydd
FREE WORDS A Timely Warning WITH ONLY one in ten students a victim of crime, Cardiff is one of the safest cities for a student in the UK. But these laptop thefts serve as a timely reminder to all students to keep their valuables secure. Thieves know that a new academic year means a new set of students who are living away from home from the first time, presenting them with many easy chances to steal goods. Yet despite this, students continue to make life easy for the criminals. Leaving your house unlocked or valuable items visible is an open invitation for robbers. This doesn’t mean that Freshers’ should become paranoid about having possessions stolen and it certainly shouldn’t detract from their enjoyment of university, but a small bit of common sense can go a long way
Leading the way DRINK SPIKING is a terrible crime so it’s good to see at least one bar in town take responsibility for their customers. By introducing the Spikka Stoppa, Cardiff University Students’ Union has taken another positive step towards creating a safe environment for students to enjoy themselves in. And by having spiking test kit s available behind the bar, the union has gone a long way to reassure students after the allegations made by Channel 4 in a recent documentary. It is a shame that the same cannot be said for many establishments in town, who are more interested in your money than your safety.
Tories talking tripe YET AGAIN Michael Howard has leapt on the political badwagon , pledging to abolish top-up fees. On one hand it’s a noble and welcome call; on the other hand this is a cynical piece of Tory opportunism which simply doesn’t add up. We all know that top-up fees are not the answer to the shortfall in higher education funding but pegging the level of repayment to commercial rates penalises those in lower paid jobs, who could take years to pay back a debt that just keeps growing. Stripped to the bones this is a classic Tory policy designed to make the rich richer and the poor pay more. Now, in the wake of Howard’s anti-immigration speech people are starting to see through the Conservatives for who they really are - a clueless bunch of opportunist bigots who will attatched themselves to the nearest cause in a desperate bid to win votes. The voters will see through the latest gimmick and realise that the Tories are a party in decline.
A Welsh return By Alys Southwood. Section Editor WHEN I ARRIVED in University I h a d no t i m e t o e x p e r i e n c e t h e u n i v e r s i t y c u l t u re s h o c k t h a t m o s t f r e s h e r s g o t h r o u g h b e ca u s e I was too busy adapting to being in a new country. I flew to Britain from Hong Kong (a bout 6,000 miles) a week before key iss ue and didn‘t have quite enough time to adjust before attending the mania that i s Freshers fortnight. This was three ye
“My mother had a crochet hook confiscated as it was considered a potential weapon” ars ago, so the whole world was in shoc k anyway - a mere nine days before I fl ew I watched the second plane hit the t win towers on the late night news. Of course, in the aftermath of Septe mber 11th the security in the airport was phenomenal. My mother had a crochet hook confiscated as it was considered a possible weapon and I had to turn on m y laptop to prove it was indeed an elect rical appliance, not a bomb. This last w as most embarrassing, as my younger b rother had hilariously changed the back drop to read ‘Cocksucker’ in yellow and pink. My experience of arriving at univers ity has been creeping out of the unfatho mable library of my mind and seeping i nto my consciousness as reminiscences
of fine and dandy days. Of course this i s because I’ve been seeing all you fresh ers arrive over the past week and the lit tle librarian dude (that runs about with h is ladder looking for that forgotten thin g) has pulled a few memories out of the archive. I arrived here, to Colum hall, via the 45 or so miles that make up the journey along the M4 from Swansea to Cardiff. I didn’t have to travel far, and I stayed i n the same country, my country. The p oint of coming to Uni for me was to att end the school of music, one which wa s recommended by my A level music le cturer. I didn’t decide which out of four universities I was going to attend, I kne w where I was going and I played the h ell out of my battered Classical guitar t o get in. Of course I got more than I bargained for, as most of you will, and if there is a dvice to be given then its to grab the stu dent life by the balls. After all, its’ not a ll about getting the right a level grades a nd getting into the right university, bec ause if you fool yourself that this is the point then you will find a lot of disappo intment. We all might come here becau se we are to study this or that, but what we get is a lifestyle choice. My little librarian dude is collating a ll my experiences of playing in a rock b and into a nice neat arrangement, but fo r some reason he lost the notes detailin g the set lists, well at least he managed to keep the rest of the info intact. What we get out of Uni is up to us, t he details will blur but at least we can a ll say that life will be a little different a fterwards. I also chose to work for the U ni too, when I worked as student warde n in halls, my chosen aeroplane - can yo u imagine having a bright red Virgin sti cker adorning your jacket on your way to university? Strangely, when I arrived at my hall I found that of my corridor I was the on
ly international student and the only per son of Welsh origin (my parents are fro m Pen-y-fai and Llanharen respectively ). Every single other person was Englis h. To say that I found it aggravating at t imes would be a perfect example of lito tes. (No, I’m not going to tell you - look it up. You’re here to learn, after all). Na turally, I found it difficult to get involv ed in the conversations about childrens’ TV programmes and spent a lot of time asking questions that must have seeme d quite inane. In addition to this I spent about thre e months dividing every price by 12 to
“I found it difficult to get involved in the conversations about children’s TV programmes” get the Hong Kong dollar value, until I got used to the currency. Being so far away from home was s ometimes a nuisance. I couldn t take m y laundry back for the weekend, if I w as sick I was stuck with it and I had to check the time difference before I mad e a phone call. It’s also really difficult being Welsh without the accent. I have the rugby sh irt, I was a flower girl at the St. David s day ball for years, we can trace our f amily back to the Rebecca riots but wi thout the accent I get treated like an im postor. At the same time however, I ge t annoyed by the incessant sheep jokes . Mind you, if we did shag them - why do you enjoy eating them afterwards? Now who’s the deviant?
ROOM
101
This week’s room 101 may cause some outcry, not because of what I’m going to say about the regretful mania that people are disposed to be in if they actually like the band Keane, but people will say that they ( I shudder) are a decent band. My point here is not to point out why these drippy fools are no better than a wet blanket, and their music is no more than watered down piss, no, my point here is that if I were to be incarcerated in room 101 deep within the towers of the ministry of love , then Keane would be what would await my sorry backside. You see, being a musician and a player of guitar I have very refined musical tastes. Yes I can listen to Wagner, and even more modernist classical pieces that would almost certainly grate the sense of hearing in the populace, like fingernails down a blackboard. Why then, if these funny chaps write silly simple songs that pass one by on hearing them on radio must they be my nemesis? Because simply I cannot stand bands to which the entire point of creating songs must be to woo the mass of female university students with their pointless whining, and to make the poor male fans feel as if they are ’hip’ and ’with it’ because, and I will say boldly that, they are not Indie, and if they are they are piss poor commercial. This goes also for those twats travis, and even to some extent the mighty gods of piss poor pop Coldplay. So then the next argument that I have to slam down is that everybody is allowed their own opinion. I say nay. If it were not for these cucking funts then everybody would have more time to discover what music they actually like. Not as is presently the case being spoon fed cheap and cheerless tunes that fade to black without ever having contributed anything to one of the highest of Arts: music. Or even to humanity. It is against our human rights to be controlled with this, because as the RC’c know, if everybody decided to buy what they wanted then their industry would be even more fucked. Why? Because they couldn’t predict how we would spend, not being able to meet supply and demand. They would be crippled like an engine permanently travelling in reverse. And as my rage subsides, at least I am safe in the knowledge that I will buy as I please, and the symbiotic relationship with the music industry is what allows me to find what I want and to have it, while the rest of the uneducated, unthinking mass walk in darkness, their minds clouded by poptastic poop. Yes indeed your stupid failings are what allow me my righteous opinions. Yes indeed your foolish splash of cash on these piddling pointless pampers mean I still get what I want to listen to. Keane you are going into room 101, where, You and not I, will meet with justice and reckoning.
Letters
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The gair rhydd letters page I’m like some sort of odd-job man, like Ted Glen from Postman Pat, only with tattoos and a skinhead. That was a rubbish analogy. I bet you young whippersnappers are too young to remember Postman Pat -- some of you are probably unaware that there was a world before Teletubbies. They were happy days, I tell you. A man could carry a handbag without fear of ridicule. People often ask if we ever make letters up. This isn’t true. All of the time. This week is no exception, but I’ve only had a few beers, so they won’t be that incendiary, or even interesting. At least it’s better than the fiasco that is TV desk this week. Good job TV Holly is a hottie, or this little fling I’m having with Letters would be one hell of a chore… No Mr. Editor, I’m just counting my pocket change. Yes, in my pocket, without looking at it. Jimbo “leave it to me” Anthony No texts this week, cos there are none. Give us something to print next week!
letter of the week Um Bongo Um Bongo, dey drink it in de Congo Dear gair rhydd, Landlords are poo. Since moving out of halls 3 years ago I have yet to find a decent one. In our first house half the electricity in our house didn’t work and we spent most of the year traipsing extension leads throughout the house so we could get power to half the bedrooms. All due to the fact that ‘Um Bongo’ (as he came to be known in our house) hired a load of cowboy builders and electricians to carry out the work performed over the summer before we moved in. In our second year our rather annoying (yet funny when drunk I must admit) landlord came round at random uninvited
Newsflash: Toilets smell Dear gair rhydd, I am completely disgusted at the state of the toilets in the union. Do you employ cleaners? Most of them stink (especially the postgrad ones) and are dirty. The gents are almost always awash with filth, and look like they haven’t been cleaned for weeks. The ones on the second floor (by the union shop) are often out of toilet paper. This is simply unacceptable, and reflects badly on the union. I am sorely tempted to get a petition going to get them sorted out. Perhaps you could give me some advice on the correct parties to complain to. Yours, disgusted fresher.
intervals to put up signs in the front bedroom for his other houses which are still there now I think because I doubt anyone that meets him would even consider letting one of his houses after talking to him for 10 minutes (which is how long it took him to get a sentence out). But, thankfully, ‘Like Really’ didn’t seem to mind when I drunkenly put my elbow through the fire alarm on the first floor when feeling around for the light switch in the dark. I am yet to meet our current landlord but I’ve been sat in my room for the past two afternoons and evenings waiting for him to bring me a new bed which was supposed to be here and still hasn’t arrived! I have often thought that if I ever had the money then investing in student properties might be worth considering. But if it makes me turn into a twat then I’m not so sure! JP, 3rd year (just!) Maths
You should probably start with someone who cares, or at least is paid to. There should be the relevant department on a sign somewhere, with a phone number. If it says "Young cock fun wanted" above the number, it’s probably not that one. Small wonder the loos stink – the clientele is usually blind drunk. There’s something rather rustic about a crapper with a "lived in" look. But mostly it makes me want to retch. Learn to grin and bear it – at least you’re not short of reading material when you’re crimping off one of Bungle’s fingers – you can read the ‘intelligent’ graffiti, which mostly consists of English people going "fuck the welsh" (sic), or Welsh people going "fuck the English". I’m constantly staggered that these people have reached tertiary education.
Newsflash II: People are different Dear gair rhydd, Hey, hey its fox hunting day. Well at least it would be if the Labour Party hadn’t taken forth the idea to try to ban hunting foxes. We all saw the demonstrations in London the other week, with the police laying into the unruly mob that were supposed to be protesting, not attending a Reading vs Millwall game. Well although I don’t agree with their behaviour or indeed understand it, it does just show how passionate they are about being able to ‘help reduce the numbers of this countryside menace’ (not actually a quotation but it might as well be!). There are a great many things that people care about, understandable ones at that…..well sometimes. I, just like others have my own opinions on things and to be honest they’re normally pretty controversial. Example: Why do Cardiff County Council allow those people onto Queen Street, who literally try to insert their religion into you, by bawling down at you as you go about your shopping? Am I allowed to go out there and talk AT people about my religious beliefs? No chance, when I say god (who?) doesn’t exist, I actually believe that those who believe in him/her/it must be a little insecure and quite frankly mad. Regardless of the fact that I can see why they like to have ‘someone’ to go to in times of need (although strangely, not as often when things are going well!), I still would not be allowed to speak my opinions in public. Even amongst friends, I occasionally get a dirty look from someone whose opinions differ from mine. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re all incredibly different. Whether that’s good or bad, we have to live in a multi-cultural world. In this country there’s far too much of the old ‘British-ness’ about our ways and beliefs. In my opinion that’s why Britain is somewhere I no longer want to live, patriot as I am, I still think as a Nation and a people we’re finished….socially at least. Yours, BB.
text
07791165837
Bloody right. Or possibly wrong. Why not write in about it...
Letter origin mys- Newsflash III: tery shock horror cheese mad, physics bollocks Dear gair rhydd,
I have a question – who writes all the letters in the first few issues of Gair Rhydd? I ask this as it has occurred to me that the letters you normally receive are from students wishing to pass on vital information – or indeed spout shit. However in these weeks (and in some cases months) before the start of the next academic year, your mid vacation student has none of these urges, deciding instead to occupy themselves with far more personal, every day sorts of questions like: "Can Bubble Bath be used as a substitute for shampoo?" or "Do my pajamas look enough like real clothes to allow me to go to the shops in them and not look like an XL tit?". Incidentally the answers to these questions are as follows: Men: Yes. Women: No – it will not cost £30, it will not coat your hair in several pounds of Kevlar®, and it won’t make it look like you are in the middle of your own personal windy weather system. 2) Almost certainly not – however if you do go for it (and this is directed principally at the men) make sure they look clean. Happily I also have answers to my own question, verily I have a plethora of them: 1) The shift in the Gulf Stream this year left thousands of Oompa Loompas without work at both Mars’s Factories in Swindon and Cadbury’s Bourneville Factory in Birmingham. Normally they would have been engaged as casual laborers hauling the ice used to cool the chocolate to and fro; however the unusually cool summer meant keeping them on was not economically viable, and so they were let go. Naturally the lovely leftwing liberals at student newspapers across the country employed them to produce letters over the summer months. 2) The archive of papers left over from the Paignton experiment - in which some rich half-wit funded one hundred monkeys to ACTUALLY be left with one hundred typewriters, and see what happened - was raided. The resulting documents are then placed in student newspapers on the letters’ page as they are so close to the real thing that it really doesn’t matter. 3) OR – and this one I feel just sounds a little closer to the mark (though by all means make up your own mind); the Deputy Editor phones his house several hours before the deadline and says "The letters’ page seems a little bear – indeed its a lot bear, so much so that someone should probably call the RSPCA, and could you write something please?". Still, who knows. Astro Dear GR ‘Oompa Loompas and monkeys and bears, oh my!’ (if ayone spots the origin of that quote, I’ll give them... something. For nothing.
Dear gair rhydd, Ah, the start of another academic year. Thank fuck. Had I been at home for the summer for just one more week I'd be certifiably insane by now. As mad as cheese. Pencilsup-the-nose crazy. No more summer job either: no scanning barcode after barcode on some cretin's exam paper, or starting blankly at a computer screen until sufficient time has elapsed to justify a piss-break. Now I can doss around, get a double-dose of Neighbours every day, sleep and drink too much...maybe do a bit of Physics. Physics: bollocks. When's the end of term? Joe Estoy-Harto So there we have it. I hope you enjoyed the tiptoe through the tulips that is: the Letters page. Since this is where I started, it seems only fitting that I’m bloody sick of it by now. I’m off to ponder just why it is that guns don’t kill people, wrappers do. Perhaps it’s that plastic shrink wrap you get on DVDs. That could be quite nasty in the wrong hands. It’s also possible to choke on the wrapping that comes on chocolate bars, or suffer a terminal paper cut from xmas wrapping paper. A carrier bag is a form of wrapping, and they’re so reknowned for suffocating babies, they now carry a warning. Guns? Wrappers!
corrections and clarifications The most irritating thing that happened last week was the printing cut in Quench. We did notice this. See we do pick up on these things. And no, we couldn’t do much about it. Sorry.
Please email your letters to
grletters @cf.ac.uk We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthy, but please remember that we do have space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are not (usually) the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.
Prizes Each week, the best letter (and that is exactly the oxymoron that it sounds) will receive two tickets from the fine people at STER CENTURY cinemas. Ah, the cinema. Like telly, but bigger.
Media
September 27 2004
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grmedia@cf.ac.uk
Student Radio in Crisis The fate of 50 student radio stations is left unknown. By Laura Murphy
Media Correspondent and Bec Storey
Media Editor
T
HE MAIN programme and advertising provider for UK student radio stations has gone into liquidation leaving the fate of up to 50 stations unknown. Student Broadcasting Network Ltd (SBN) provided financial support to 50 of the 80 student radio stations in Britain; “About 80% of the stations we represent relied soley on SBN,” reported Matt Treacy, Student Radio Association secretary. Due to the companies dire financial situation, parent company, Campus Media plc, decided not to continue to provide funding to SBN Ltd back in August 2004. In a statement released by the Campus Media Group in July, it was stated that SBN Ltd has been making losses from July 2003 and the Campus group had been providing loans to SBN Ltd since, in an effort to pull it out of its estimated £3 million debt. The group states that “SBN’s accumulated losses amounted to £34.5 million pounds…over £350,000 of these losses resulted from direct payments to university radio stations over the last four years to assist the development of their radio services”. This announcement has understandably caused concern amongst the student radio stations affected. In a statement posted on the Student Radio Association website, it was revealed that a total of 25 student radio stations
are in possession of transmitters either owned or part-owned by SBN Ltd. The association advising its members to make sure all outstanding invoices have been sent to SBN Ltd and to compile a list of all SBN owned assests. Insolvency practitioners, David Rubin & Partners have been appointed to handle the liquidation process and have estimated that SBN Ltd has less than £100,000 worth of assests but has over £3 million of debts. This means that it is more likely that the assests will be broken up and sold individually rather than selling the company as a whole. Due to this student radio stations with SBN Ltd transmitters are being given the opportunity to buy these at an etimated cost of £1500.
“SBN’s accumilated losses amounted to £34.5 million” The Student Radio Association is encouraging its members to try to arrange a loan with their universities or Student Unions in order to cover this cost; as it costs around £10,000 to install a new transmission kit. However owning their own transmitter is not the end of the radio stations problems; there is still the loss of regular funding to over come, as pointed out by Student Radio Association
secretary Matt Treacy. “The important thing is to find a regular sustainable income...we can’t run stations without paying the bills.” One answer to this problem has arrived from London-based radio station Xfm, an affiliate of Capital FM. XFM radio own an anolgue radio license in London only, but as part of Capital FM’s digital expansion policy, broadcast digitally in 18 other areas across the UK. Capital radio want XFM to partner student radio stations as a way of building upon their estimated 124,000 digital listeners nationwide. Graham Hodge, head of Business Development at XFM explained; “There are two reasons why student audience is so important to us - they are a hit in terms of music taste and secondly we have 18 digital licences outside London and there is a student community in each of those places”. XFM radio is offering a life line to student radio stations that are not assisted by other means, such as their student unions and will provide free sustained programming to the affected student stations, as well as new equipment, live music tie-ins and marketing. It will also give the students involved in their university stations the
chance to gain valuable work experience placements at XFM itself. A small number of student stations have already adopted XFM’s offer, including the University of East Anglia (Live wire), Exeter University (Xpression FM) and Birmingham (Burn FM), with several new partnerships in the pipeline. So what does this mean for Cardiff University’s own radio station, Xpress Radio? Thankfully Xpress Radio is not affected by SBN Ltd’s liquidation after the decision w a s made two
ranging from training to equipment. Although 80% of the budget will go on liceince fees each year. To make sure the station has enough money, there is also a small subscription fee of £15 for all members each year, which Tom explains: “It makes sure Xpress Radio has enoght money to offer the best training and experiance to its members. For £15 you get to use top standard broadcasting equipment, gain valuable experiance and you get a very fashionable Xpress Radio T-shirt and cap”. Xpress Radio are busy preparing for the launch of its brand new website
www.xpressyears radio.co.uk, ago not which will to renew broadcast 24 hours a their contract. day, seven days a week. The decision The launch will coincide was taken by the Station Manager at the time, XFM DJ: Christian O’Connell with the first live broadcast of the academic year Hiten Vaghmariam, who believed that Xpress Radio would on monday 27th September, when be better off as an independant station. Xpress Radio will be heard throughout SBN Ltd had been demanding more the Student Union, ready to kick off of their content to be used on Xpress Freshers week. Xpress Radio was lucky to have Radio which Hiten thought would jepodise the concept of a student radio gotten out of it’s contract with SBN when it did and to receive funding station. The current Station Manager, Tom from its student union. In comparison, Wellingham agrees with Hiten’s desicion:“SBN were asking for too much of Xpress Radio’s broadcasting time, the choice to leave them has been justified.” Xpress Radio now has its own automated computer system, Miriade, that plays music throughout the night, allowing Xpress Radio to broadcast 24 hours a day. “We have DJ’s that will broadcast live up until 1am and then our breakfast show is on at 8am,” Tom says. a lot of student radio stations relied “We didn’t need the content that SBN solely on the funding they received were giving us, this way you always from SBN Ltd. The liquidation of this company has know your listening to Xpress Radio”. Xpress Radio is able to do this due left over half of Student stations with the very fortunate funding it receives no certain future. XFM may have stepped in to offer from Cardiff University’s Student Union, something most Student Radio their finacial support, but whether this is a practical and realistic long term stations are not given. The station is receives a yearly sum, solution to a pressing crisis remains to which is then broken down for things be seen.
“Thankfully Xpress Radio are not effected by SBN’s Liquidation”
Jobs & Money
Page 16
September 27 2004
grjobs@cf.ac.uk
Bring on the budget
By Carly O’Donnell
Jobs & Money Editor
W
hy is it that whenever the topic of student finance arises everyone from the politicians to your crazy Aunt Cilla seems to have a solution to student debt? Most of us spend considerably more hours receiving financial lectures from the parental unit than we do in our own subject. Most revolve around the elusive topic of creating a "budget". Apparently as responsible adults we should not only have created a budget upon our arrival at Cardiff but we should also stick to it religiously throughout our time at university. I have to admit that in my two years as a student I have never attempted to create a budget, largely because I resented the idea that my parents thought I would need one to survive. But as I approach a maxed overdraft for the third year running I have decided that maybe I should give the topic a little more consideration (for Gair Rhydd research purposes only of course). So Freshers’ week is here at last and you’re probably going to spend a lot of money. As the students’ union begins to resemble a battle scene from Middle Earth, you’ll get pissed every night and probably join a queue. In case no one has warned you Fresher’s Week revolves around queuing…so much queuing. But the weeklong hangover will come to an end, the queues will stop and as the haze clears your student loan will arrive. Marvellous. Ok, now that the very lovely people at the local authority have given you a £1000 to play with what do you do next? Save it? Create that "budget," perhaps, and carefully plan how each of these well-earned pennies shall be spent? As if. You shall do like every student before you and hit the union, followed by the shops, followed by the pub. This is a cycle that is likely
to repeat itself over many months until your first bank statement arrives through your door with an alarmingly loud ‘thud’. Holy crap, that budget wasn’t looking like such a bad idea, was it? The hardest part of creating a budget is actually facing up to your debt. Although ignorance can be bliss leaving the bank statements to gather cobwebs in the corner of your room wont help anything. The sad reality is that at some point all students will owe money. It might be to your parents, to a credit card or to the Student Loan Company and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Start by making a list of all your outgoings and incomings. It is scary to admit that you spend £300 a term on cd’s and verge on having a disc fetish but its best to get these things out in the open. My budget revealed that I was personally keeping Domino’s pizza in business. I am now seeking help for BBQ pizza addiction. Once you can see where your money is going each month its time to cut out the unnecessary expenditure. This includes that occasional beverage after lectures which turns into a full-on bender, buying a new pair of shoes for every night out and eating take away to save on washing up liquid. Work out exactly how much you can afford to spend on food, socialising, washing, bills and clothes once the rent and tuition fees have been paid. Then try to leave some extra money as a buffer for the unexpected. If you are still spending more than you can afford it may be time… those with a weak disposition should sit down before reading on…to get a job. Remember to take advantage of the 0% interest on student overdrafts. Banks are not kind people they would not give it to you unless they expected you to use it. Once the outgoings have been accounted for the hard part is over. Now you can sit back and consider
"I'm a third year student and I want to start applying for graduate schemes in the next few weeks but I don't know how to get started. Have you got any tips on how to write a good CV.?"
Have you been finding the sight of disks a little too exciting lately? A budget could help you spend your money more wisely. your incomings. Student loans, money from parents, earnings from a part time job are all major sources of student income. Also remember to include the occasional £50 sent to you by relatives as it all counts. If your income is dangerously low try looking up grants and bursaries that you may be entitled to. For example, the Assembly Learning Grant is available to Welsh students and you could be entitled to as much as £1,500. If you are in doubt over what you are eligible for speak to the student advice centre who will be able to offer help and support. Now that you’re armed with your new best friend, the budget, you’re ready to take on the term. Obviously no one is expecting you to stick to your allowances to the exact penny but it should act as a firm guideline for how much you can spend. Ignoring it could mean that as you
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Postcards from the Real World
approach Christmas you have accumulated a debt similar to that of a small African country and no one is going to arrange a live aid style benefit to bail you out of it. Keep the list of how much you can spend in a prominent place in your room. It also helps to set up an online bank account to keep track of your spending. Knowing that your finances are taken care off means that you have more time to concentrate on the important part of university…going out. After all, what’s the point in being given all this money if you can’t have fun with it? And one sure way not to have fun is to be so skint you can only afford to study, constantly, for the rest of term. So let us all embrace the budget this year and make Cardiff a happier place for the financially challenged student.
MONEY MATTERS...
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in English. I t University this year with a degree I graduated from Nottingham Tren three years learning about iambic pentameters nt was quite worried because I’d spe els…not very useful in the workplace! beginning and pathetic fallacy in Victorian nov until I went to a graduate fair at the I had no idea what I wanted to do ful and realised that English had actually been a really good and grammar. of my final year. I found it really help ted such as good communication choice. I had skills employers wan publishing firm in Nottingham and was ecstatic when I got in. I the system. The jump I decided to apply for a job in a e to admit it has been a shock to minute of it. It feels hav and ust Aug of ng inni beg the g every star ted at y-hour week was harsh but I’m lovin from six hours of lectures to a fort not have to feel guilty every time I buy something. so good to finally earn money and my uni friends which is something i was really worried about. I been up to now we I’ve kept in touch with most of Its so cool to hear what everyone’s ple. peo with tact con lose to t didn’t wan keep a full time job! actually have to act like adults and rush into getting a job just because you are graduating. I was My only advice would be not to that doesn’t suit you it could if you force yourself into something lucky and really love what I do but and decide what career feels right for you. Don’t feel limited by turn into a disaster. Take your time what degree you studied. Wish you were here? Katie Rogers, 21
Ask the experts
"Money talks...but all mine ever says is goodbye." Anon.
There is no universally acceptable way in which a CV should be written, when applying for jobs in the UK ( Legal jobs excepted). The only rule is that it should be no longer than 2 sides of A4. There is some excellent advice in the CV booklet published by the Careers Service, which is available free-of-charge from the Careers centre. It’s also downloadable from the Careers Service website. Remember that a “good CV” addresses the requirements of the person drawing up the interview shortlist. It should be designed to persuade them to take matters further, not simply to inform them about your knowledge, talents and experience. So don’t copy the examples in the booklet word-for word, but use them as a guide to writing your own compelling document. Most selectors only have between 30 seconds and 2 minutes to review each CV, so it‘s worthwhile ensuring yours is well-written, attractive, and without spelling or grammar mistakes. Finally, we run CV workshops throughout the year ; you can also discuss a draft CV with one of the Career Consultants during our daily “Quick Query “ sessions, using the Booking System to arrange this ( accessible from the websit.e Richard Budd Career Consultant. Specialising in all Engineering subjects, Architecture, Town Planning, Physics, Computer Science. Well, as you return to complete your final year, this is a good time to consider the wide variety of graduate training schemes on offer from both private and public sector organisations. You will need to start applying shortly if you wish to start work in September 2005. Firstly, think about the kind of role you want your graduate training to be in. There are many options, so take your time to research carefully. Secondly, research the type of employer you would like to work for. Once you are clear about who you want to work for and why, then start the application process and show them you’ve got what they want. It is important that you target your application to each employer. You may be daunted by the on-line application forms you see or, if a CV is requested, you may not be sure how to put one together. Try to book in for one of the workshops held at the Careers Service on CV Writing or Application Forms. You can then talk it through with a Career Consultant in a half-hour interview or bring your CV or Application Form to be checked over in a Quick Enquiry, bookable on the day. Jane Fletcher, Career Consultant Health & Life Sciences
None of us actually have jobs so if you have a career question email it to grjobs@cf.ac.uk and we’ll pass on to the careers department. Or you can look up www.Cardiff.ac.uk/carsv
Jobs & Money
September 27 2004
Page 17
grjobs@cf.ac.uk
Pile on the pounds this term Although the student loan may be burning a hole in your pocket at the moment consider your financial situation at the end of last term before you go too crazy. Not too good? Well it’s never too early to start saving. We asked some students to share their money saving master plans…
“When you’re shopping make sure you look in the reduced section for bargains and remember to take your student card because mostplaces in Cardiff offer a discount.” Chris Bargery, 2nd Yr Physiology.
“Buying books for your course can be really expensive. Try to keep them in good condition and you can sell them back to the bookstore.” Anthony Oloughlin, PHD Politics.
For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union. Plate Waiters/Silver Service Waiters Cardiff Area Ardal/Area: £5 plus per hour Tal/Wage: Various Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Various Manylion/Details: Catering recruitment agency seeks plate and silver service waiting staff to work at various locations around the city including hotels and outside catering events. Training provided Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 001 Swydd/Job:
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
Catering/ Bar Staff Cardiff £4.64 per hour Various Ongoing Arena in Cardiff, holding many events including concerts, dinners, conferences and exhibitions, looking for catering/bar staff to work during concerts and dinners. Applicants should be fluent English speakers, who are trustworthy and flexible. 243
Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Swydd/Job:
Workplace Fundraiser/Advisor
Swydd/Job:
Catering assistant
Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Cardiff £80 - £100 per day 1 day per week to be arranged. Term-time only from mid-Sept Professional fundraising organisation working with over 60 charities is looking for a workplace fundraiser to work one day a week. Duties will involve recruiting employees to give to charity from their pay. Applicants should be enthusiastic, reliable and have common sense. Car owner essential. 242
Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:
Cardiff £4.85 per hour Part-time Mon-Fri Term-time only from mid-Sept University-based sandwich bar looking for part-time staff to work during term-time, starting mid September. Duties wil include preparing and serving sandwiches, using coffee machines and general cleaning duties. Applicants must be friendly and be able to commit to at least two shifts a week. Full training will be provided. 241
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
Rhif Cyf/Ref No:
In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.
Car Owner Drivers Required “Lots of shops will try to tempt you with discounts on store cards - dont do it! They charge so much interest it won’t be worth the inital money you save.” Jennifer Milford, 3rd Yr Environmental science
“Buy a cheap bottle of wine before you go on a night out. It means you don’t have to spend as much on moreexpensive drinks in town.” Anna Taylor, 3rd Yr Dentistry. “Try not to go out on the weekends. The price of drinks and admissions doubles in town. Stick to the union or even better get a job so you wont have to spend anything. its cheaper to go out in the week” Chris and Andy, 2nd Yr Chemistry.
If you have a wierd or wonderful way of saving money email us at grjobs@cf.ac.uk. We won’t give you anything but you might get the warm, fuzzy glow of knowing you’ve helped a fellow student.
Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.
Listings
Page 18
September 27 2004
grlistings@cf.ac.uk
LIVE-LY UP YERSELF Hot diggity, we got students everywhere and you know what that means? It means that every selfrespecting promoter, one-man band and street merchant will be looking to suck you into their evil web with madcap gimmicks and intoxicating beverages. Then, when they figure you’ve become a loyal partron, they’ll milk you dry for the rest of the year. But hey, everyone likes a good milking now and then, so follow Jim Sefton to the four best milking sheds in Cardiff.
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Cafe Jazz / Thurs 30th Sept / 8.45pm
The Dartington Improvising Trio feat:
Keith Tippett, Julie Tippetts and Paul Dunmall.
his is jazz. No, no, I realise there’s no pretty young thing singing standards. You’re right, there’s no contempory urban ‘attitude’, nor any slick, oily smoothness a la Kenny G. And too bloody right. This is jazz, baby. At its roots, jazz is about improvisation. A spontaneous, creative process that can be unsettling and sublime in equal measure. And the credentials of the three members of The Dartington Improvising Trio give every reason to expect such blessings at Cafe Jazz this Thursday. Multi-instrumentalist Paul Dunmall (pictured right) has played with the likes of Alice Coltrane and Johnny ‘Guitar’ Watson. He is also a member of British ‘free music’ collective, Mujician, with whom Keith Tippett also plays. Paul is expected to be playing saxophone and pipes on this outing. Julie Tippetts is a singer for whom the word ‘versatile’ just doesn’t cut it. Known by many for her 60s recordings with Brain Auger, she has also been involved in everything from duo settings to
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Come Rock
feat: Dark Chunk, The Call and Pinstripe Mafia
know that you know that live music is where it’s at so I’ve got to give some space to the activities of our friends in the Live Music Society who’ll be making most other societies feel inadequate this week with their relentless schedule.
They’re providing bands for Fun Factory on Monday, putting on a free night at Uni Hall on Tuesday (811pm) with Rogue Pigeon and The Experiment, going acoustic at Barfly on Wednesday (midday-2.30pm), joining other societies on the recruitment drive at Freshers’ Fayre on Thursday (10am-4pm) and hitting Talybont Social with Donya Maria and Niko on Friday (8pm-11pm). Immense though this schedule is, that’s just getting them warmed up. South African Jazz, which ensures she has much to draw from during her explorations into spontaneous composition. Keith Tippet, pianist, composer, educator, and big band leader, completes the trio and is the most well known of the three in Cardiff, not least due to his work at the Welsh College of Music and
Toucan Club / Sat 2nd Oct
The Femm Nameless
he Femm Nameless - a 9 piece all female afrobeat/afro-funk band from New York City - was formed a couple of years ago by band member Toli Nameless (pictured) and are currently in the UK to take part in celebrations of Fela Kuti’s life and music in London. Luckily for us they are taking the opportunity to do a tour and are swinging by Cardiff’s Toucan Club on Saturday night. They say of their inspiration: “Fela Kuti created the music of Afro Beat, through the guidance of a woman, Sandra Isadore. He read the auto biography of Malcolm X and found his voice and his vision. It is with this inspiration to find a name for ourselves and music of our own, that The Femm Nameless identify as women with this musical and progressive movement that Fela started.”
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Solus / Sun 3rd Oct / 8pm
Abstract identity pursuit aside this is likely to be an awesome, high-energy ride through the Afrobeat fusion of American jazz and funk with traditional elements of Nigerian and African musics. Expect brass, bass, guitars and percussion to be making some heavy grooves. Those inclined to make some shapes on the dancefloor, take some durable footwear - it could get furious. The Toucan haven’t made ticket prices or times known at time of going to print but you can phone them direct on 02920 372212 and pester them for details. Given there are 9 band members and they’ve come all the way from NYC, tickets will be pushing £10. You don’t see all female bands of any kind very often, let alone a 9 piece afrobeat one, so check some sisters doing it for themselves while you can.
Drama. He also sports the best burners seen anywhere outside of the Countryside Alliance. Events such as this offer the rare opportunity to be present at the business end of the creative process. Expect a revelatory experience. Music starts 8.45pm. £7/£5(NUS). For more details call Cafe Jazz on 02920 387026.
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The real treat will be on Sunday when they’ll be packing the crowds in at Solus for Come Rock where they present local favourites, The Call, Pinstripe Mafia and, what’s likely to be the biggest draw, the disturbingly named Dark Chunk (some of whom are pictured below). Describing their mix of rock and funk as ‘runk’ music, there is no doubting the originality of Dark Chunk who made it through to the finals of the Glastonbury 2004 Unsigned Bands competition to play on a main stage at the festival. Hell, even if these bands aren’t you bag, let’s show some love to the Live Music Sociey - not just supporting live music but making it happen. We at gair rhydd take our metaphorical hats off to them.
Throughout Freshers Week:
Xpress Radio Live
reshers’ wek at night is fantastic; we all know that. Fresher’s week during the day can involve a lot of queing, waiting for somebody to stamp the green form you need to confirm that you’re eligible for the yellow one that allows you to get the blue one, and so on. So, what better way to kill the time waiting around for your NUS card than sampling the best that student radio has to offer. As a warm up to their October FM broadcast, Cardiff’s one and only student radio station, Xpress Radio, is doing a week of exclusive broadcasts from their not-so-secret lair on top of the union. Running throughout the day, Xpress will bring you the best music that Radio One and Red Dragon doesn’t play, in the irreverant style that only a student broadcast can do. Who knows, if they’re feeling generous they may even collect requests off people enduring the
tedium of queuing. These people aren’t to be confused with gair rhydd writers who will, at best, ask you for money for beer. It’s best not to think about what the worst these guys could do is. As well as providing entertainment for all those bored souls in the union, Xpress will also be broadcasting across the internet to anybody with a computer and a decent enough net connection, which should be most of you by now. Not only can you get a live stream, you’ll be able to select your favourite shows and download them to listen to them at your own convenience. Xpress Radio have also stepped up their plans for world domination by taking over the back room in Solus. Formerly known as Buffers, this place has been transformed into the Xpress Radio lounge and will be the home to funky and alternative tunes throughout the evening as an alternative to the main room. Do these guys spoil you or what?
Listings
September 27 2004
Page 19
grlistings@cf.ac.uk
gair rhydd’s day by day listings with jim sefton. If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. We’ve only got a page dammit.
Monday27/09
Fun Factory @ SU (All Building) 9-2am. £2 adv. Free to folk at Vice Chancellor’s address. Radio 1’s Zane Lowe in the Great Hall. If Zane manages to keep his mouth shut this could be quite a good night. Personally I’d quite like to see the VC and Zane face off across the decks, but that’s never going to happen. Support from the Live Music Soc in the Xpress Radio Lounge. Skool Disco @ Med Bar 10-2am Tut, has grammar gone to the wall. If I’d spelt school like that in my day I’d have been whipped with a cane. Expect the usual chart n cheese. Live Music @ Grad Bar, SU 8pm. Featuring Jason Soudah and fine support from Fred Snow and Marcin Wright. Keep it clean Fred. Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. I thought that was the point of DJing. Maybe I’m just missing something? Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry. The Holiday Plan@Barfly 7.30pm £5 adv. Support comes in the shape of the aptly named No Hope in New Jersey and McQueen. TV is Boring@Molokos 6pm - 2am Free. Live music, art, DJs and film. Wow, culture and music in one venue. I’m almost tempted to skip Channel Four News for this. Film Quiz@UGC Cinema 8pm start. Beware, once Freshers’ Week and other assorted jollies are over, gair rhydd will be entering a team into this and given that we’ve got a load of sad film buffs on the paper, the editor included, you mere mortals will stand no chance.
Friday01/10
Lashtastic @ Solus 9-2am. Xpress radio DJs in the back room. Funk band in the bar. The best union night of the week in my opinion. Full Fat @ Moloko Funk, Hip-hop, Breakbeats, Motown, Retro Disco +Electro Boogie + retro vid's & visuals. free entry Higher Learning@The Toucan 6pm 2am. These guys are amazing. If you’re into hip-hop in any sort of way check them out. They rock. Gareth Roberts@The Riverbank. A vigorous trambonist (fnarrr) with jazz classics, originals and settings of Welsh tunes. Should be pretty funky. Pat Grovers Blues Zeros@Cafe Jazz £3 Part of the late night blues sessions. Comedy@The Glee Club. Ian Moore, Brendan Lovegrove, Tom Stade and Rob Rouse entertain the punters. 10,000 Things@Barfly 7.30pm 14 adv. Supported by Ludes and followed by the Mad4It club night, which suggests floppy indie along the lines of Oasis and the Stone Roses. Or, as I prefer to call it, death by shite.
Tuesday28/09
Wednesday29/09
Thursday30/09
Saturday02/10
Sunday03/10
CinemaWeek
Traffic Light Party @ Solus 9-2am. £3 adv. Dress up in red, orange or green to signal your availability. Why anybody would ever want to dress in Orange is beyond me. Either you’re single or not. Orange wearers are clearly just little tarts out to sleep with the whole world, so don’t say we didn’t warn you when they break your heart. The Music @ Great Hall 8pm. £14.50 adv. I’ve still to make up my mind on these guys. I loved ‘The People’ but the rest just seems to drone on and on. Apparently meant to be very good live, but I shall reserve judgement on this. Buddy Night @ Med Bar 7-11pm. Hosted by Medsoc. I’ve heard some pretty debauched stories about these guys. Pop along and see if any of them are true. Quiz Night @ Grad Bar, SU 8pm I’ll have a ‘C’ please Bob. Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after. SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Acoustic Bar @ The Toucan Weekly open mic session hosted by Lemonsky 8-12.30 £1 from 9pm Alice’s Wonderland Band@Cafe Jazz £3/ £3.50. Probably better than the book from which they take their name. The Duke Spirit@Barfly 7.30pm £6adv. Yet another indie band that I’ve never heard of, although the fact that they’re a pound more than The Holiday Plan suggests that they may be better.
Come Play @ Solus 9-2am. All the usual Saturday night cheese, but, frankly, a damn site better than like minded places in town. Very popular so get your tickets early. Goldie Lookin’ Chain @ Great Hall 7pm. Novelty act soon to fade from the collective consciousness. See them now while it’s still cool to like them. Cirrhosis @ Med Bar Not sure if this is intended for listings or is a notice of a health hazard. Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm. they get big. 8.00pm. £4. Mothership Convention@The Toucan 8m 2am. The best in UK touring funk and dance bands. Comedy@The Glee Club. Ian Moore, Brendan Lovegrove, Tom Stade and Rob Rouse entertain the punters. I haven’t just copied and pasted this over three days because I’m too lazy to write anything else. Honest! Ghostride@Barfly 7.30pm £6 adv. Supporter by October File and Black Market Movement and followed by the Uberalles club night. SUMO presents Drumattic Twins@Clwb Ifor Bach £5 / £7. Breakbeats and the like are the order of this night. Supported by Chico Fresh and West One, who seem to be bloody everywhere these days.
Rubber Duck @ Solus 10-2am £3 Foam Party. Good for pulling, as it’s even harder to see your partner than usual. Trust me, that’s a good thing. Beach Party @ Med Bar 7-11pm Take your flip flops and bikinis, although buckets and spades are optional. It’ll take them bloody ages to get the sand out of the sound rig up there I’d imagine International Night @ Grad Bar, SU 8-11pm. With DJs playing world music. Got to be worth a look. Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. Free. Express @ Barfly 10pm-1am £3 (NUS) Live @ Barfly Six By Seven + Joya £6 adv, doors 7.30pm All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! Enough? 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am. RockClub @ The Toucan With the Bread and Butter DJs downstairs. I’m restraining from making a comment on these people on the basis of their name, but I’m sure we could fit in a fnarrrr somewhere 8pm-1am £3/£2 Ross Thomas@The Riverbank £4 ( £3 concessions). Bassist Ross takes out his band to lay down some funk. God, that was poor. I do apologise. Dave Jones Quartet@Cafe Jazz £3. Port Talbot based pianist plays fresh originals plus a few choice standards, including Herbie Hancock. Sweet.. Johnny Truant@Barfly 7.30pm £6adv. Supported by another three bands no less. Electro Moloko@Moloko. 8pm - 2am. Good night, shit name.
Come Rock @ Solus 8-12pm. Live Music Society presents live bands, Dark Chunk, The Call and Pinstripe Mafia. See facing page for further details. Quiz@Med Bar 7pm. Rather than wasting your money on an IT box, which will inevitably take more out of your pocket than you put in, why not try this little baby. Especially good if you live near the hospital, or if you enjoy long walks. Acoustic Lounge@The Toucan 8pm 12.30am. Open mic session to boot. A nice and chilled way to wind down the week. Why does nothing happen on Sundays? I really do mean it. Ok, you’re still recovering from a hangover, but that’s no excuse not to put on entertainment for us. And by entertainment, I do not mean watching Middlesborough and Aston Villa grind out a dull 0-0 draw on Sky Sports. Watching Manchester United is ok though, because you can laugh as they let in another goal through schoolboy defending and Fergie’s face turns purple. On a more serious note, if you’re putting on a night and want coverage please give us an email at the address at the top of the page. Unless you tell us about it, we can’t put it in. We’re not psychic you know. Similarly, if you think we’ve got it absolutely wrong in our description of a night let us know. We can’t have you turning up to events with the wrong impression now, can we? And remember to wrap up warm now. Autumn is a coming.
Replay @ Solus 9-2am. £2.50. 80s and 90’s night. Expect plenty of Spice Girls and The Bangles. They best play some Clash. Or Blur. Anything but Boyzone, please! Intercourse @ Med Bar 7-11pm whoa, easy tiger. It’s part games apparently Planet Funk @ Seren Las 8-1am. Presented by the Graduate Bar. Boomshanka @ The Toucan 8pm 1am Live Acounstic, Soul and Hippy Funk. Sounds interesting. Comedy@The Glee Club. Ian Moore, Brendan Lovegrove, Tom Stade and Rob Rouse entertain the punters. Winnebago Deal@Barfly 7.30pm £5. Deputy Editor Jim says these guys are pretty good and who am I to argue, especially as he’s a damn site harder than me. Worth a look. Enthusiam@Molokos. 8pm - 2am Free. Pretty good night, which con-incides with plenty of other good nights. I have to put this together on a Thursday though, which sucks. Dammit. The Mellow Fellows@Blue Dragon Club 8.30 - 11pm. New local band, according to the listing I’ve got.
We start off at Cardiff’s best independent Cinema, the Chapter Arts Centre where Code 46 is playing all week. Set in the future and featuring Tim Robbins and Samatha Morton, this is a low-key science fiction film about a detective investigating an insurance fraud but falling in love with the main suspect. Sounds cliched, but it’s actually pretty good and is a refreshing alternative to blockbusters of a similar nature. Directed by Michael Winterbottom, who did the fantastic In This World, as well as the forthcoming Nine Songs aka the sex movie everybody is kciking up a fuss about. 6.15pm Life in the Last Universe A suicidal Japanese libraian is forced to hide out at a compulsive pot-smoking woman’s home. Part of the new wave of Asian films that have been getting regular showings in the UK 8.15pm Moving on to more general releases, this week has Hero on general release. Showing at all good cinemas, this is basically Croughing Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Kill Bill rolled into one, only a hell of a lot cooler. And it has Jet Li in in. What more of an excuse do you need. Also out is Wimbledon. For those of you who remember him, last year’s grab editor, Leigh, had a walk on part in this romantic comedy from Working Title. It’s got Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany exchanging volleys on and off the court. It’ll probably be no worse than a lot of its ilk and contain a few mildly amusing films. If nothing else, it has Kisten Dunst in it, who still hasn’t made a bad film yet in my opinion, and ranks just below Maggie Gyllenhaal in terms of lustability. Finally Friday sees the release of, among other things, the Metallica documentary Some Kind of Monster. You’ve got to worry when a heavy metal band allow themselves to be filmed in a documentary, mainly because none of them will ever surpass the mighty Spinal Tap, but give the Walrus-like lead singer a chance and give it a try.
Free Stuff
September 27 2004
Page 21
grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk
grab!
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Hello again my lovelies. Hope for you young freshers are having the time of your lives. Enjoy it, trust me, it’s the only time in your entire life when you will be encouraged to drink so much that you’re sober again. And don’t worry too much about your decreasing loans, I have a box loads full of goodies which will help you through the upcoming months. Be it stationery, clothes, chocolate; you can win it all here on my little page. So email me at the above address or pop me a little note in my pigeonhole on the 4th floor of the union with your name, answers and email address. Good Luck.
Get some glamour into your wardrobe A wonderful competition for all you girlies out there, as a lady who recently had to re-extend her overdraft because she had a spending splurge to many, I do appreciate this one. As the days are darkening and the nights are getting colder, Those fashion elites Miss Selfridge have taken it upon themselves to keep us warm and sheltered from the wind and the rain,
as well as looking pretty enough to pull in a supermarket, (never happened to me but if that lynx advert is to be believed). They have recently launched three collections for their 2004 autumn and winter range, inspired by the ever so ladylike 1930s glamour. Us at grab have been given a sneaky peak into what the shop has to offer for you ladies this winter. Trust me ladies, it all looked so good I wanted to go shopping again. Damn that overdraft limit. Anyone worth their salt in fashion knowledge will know that the queen of traditional lounge chic, Margaret Thatcher, is very much back in fashion this Autumn, but with a ‘sexier edge.’ Tight tweeds, pussy bow tops and 4-inch high round-toed stiletto’s all create the ladylike look. Which apparently (this was tested by a journalist in
Britian’s best theme park on the cheap AFTER Alton Towers let my predeseccesor, Leigh, run wild in their theme park last year, they thought it was only fair that they let some other students join in the act. What a good impression he must have made, you should all thank him. I just hope I get similar privileges throughout my time here This is the time of year when I believe it is best to hit Alton Towers; the season is coming to an end. The annoying little children, who are far scarier than you would think when it comes to pushing to get on a ride, have toddled off back to school and have lessened the general queuing dilemma considerably. You get the park virtually to yourself, with just other students, also with loads of free time. You may as well enjoy yourself while you have minimal coursework and responsibility. In order to celebrate this virtuous time of the theme park year, Alton Towers are encouraging all you students in with this fantastic offer price of just £18, (apart from on weekends and Bank holidays) just download your voucher at
www.shorterqueues.com/nus. There really is no excuse now to hit the roller coasters with your new, or old, uni friends, especially as I have got my mits on a free pair of tickets for a lucky couple. All you have to do is answer this super easy question. I’m virtually giving them to you right now; all you have to do is email. Go on, it can’t be the best theme park in the UK for nothing. Oh, and try out the ripsaw and tell me what it is like. My so-called friends refused to go on that one although I was desperate to because it looked too scary. Cowardly Bastards. Q: What website saves you money and gets you into Alton towers for only £18? Enter in the usual way
Shit. I’ve lost my flip flops.
The Times Style magazine) drives men f**king crazy. Not sure what that suggests about some male domination fantasies. Anyway, I digress. You can get Traditional Lounge brings together a blend of retro geometry with English Country life, giving the collection a fun and quirky feel. Belted trench coats with denim drainpipe jeans, cropped tweed trousers and Argyle knits are worn with corduroy boots to give you that perfect English look. Warm neutral colours mixed with bright zesty greens and yellows create a clean modern look. Romantic Renaissance combines medieval richness and soft femininity to create a feeling of romance and fairy tales.
your new ladylike look today without having to extend your overdraft, well, not too much. Miss Selfridge are, as always, generously offering 10% discount for stuThe floaty layers of lace, chiffon and silk are worn with stylish round toe heels to create a magical look, while soft muted and dusky pastels of powder green, blossom pink, lavender and cranberry create a sultry look, perfect for that special date. Persian Poetry embraces texture, culture and tradition with an eclectic mix of embellishment, layering, print and pattern to produce a rich tapestry of colour. Vintage jeans combined with cool blues and rich berry tones go hand in hand to create a sassy, sexy look.
Lemar due to hit Cardiff THE Freshers’ ball; a veritable orgy of drunken mistakes and brand new best friends (for that evening at least) is the one night of the academic year when the entire union clubs together to bring you as much entertainment as humanly possible. Anything to welcome you freshers and make you feel comfortable. This year’s event, which is all happening on October 9, has quite the line up. Down in the Great Hall, the resident Mark Arnold (he runs the wonderfully cheesy Comeplay) will be joined by Fame academy loser Lemar, (Admittedly this fact seems to have helped rather than hindered the mans Rn’B success) who is graciously headlining the event, as well as Hanif (voted best Asian DJ for two years running, don’t you know). Rubber Duck, with special guest star Pat Sharp DJing, will
host Solus. Pat Sharp has visited us before and he gives quite a show. Last, but definitely not least, Bez from the Happy Mondays will be playing in Seren Las with Big Keith from The Office, apparently dressed up as Ali G. How marvelous. That’s all before I even mention the side shows, stalls and all other fun going on. Tickets are on sale now from the box office, priced at £12.50. Us at Grab! have got our hands on five pairs of tickets, which all need homes to go to. In order to get a free pair of tickets for you and your other half/new best friend/ that attractive person you keep seeing in halls, simply answer this question: In which room will special guest Pat Sharp be DJing during the Freshers ball? Enter in the usual way.
PS. Only one lucky winner this week. Andy Finley, a crate of Penta is winging it’s way to you soon. You healthy boy.
SVC Promotion
Page 8
September 1 2004
gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
Get more than just a degree G
ot some free time? How about getting involved in the local community in Cardiff? Volunteering can be a hugely rewarding experience – both for you as a volunteer and also for the people you work with. Student Volunteering Cardiff (SVC) is one of the largest student volunteering groups in Britain. In 2003/4 we recruited over 1,000
student volunteers at our recruitment fair. We have an office on the third floor of the Students Union which is open from 9am – 5pm, Monday to Friday and is staffed by five friendly and helpful people. As we are a registered charity we are run by a student executive who ensures that we are always student-led, with the interests of our student volunteers being of prime importance. We have approximately 30 projects working the local community that aim to enhance the lives of disadvantaged and vulnerable members of the community in Cardiff. The projects range from working with children who are refugees or asylum seekers at a local kids clubs to working in a community garden to working in a local hospital with people who have
mental health problems. We try to work in as many areas as possible in the local community and are always willing to help start new projects in areas that aren’t being addressed. In addition to our regular projects we run a variety of one-off events. In March we held an Easter Tea Dance in a local church hall for older members of the local community who live near to the university. The day was a great success as over 40 people attended and were
entertained by live music, singing and refreshments. People volunteer for a variety of reasons ranging from wanting to help those less fortunate than themselves, to gain work experience /skills/build up a CV or to meet more people at uni. Whatever your reason is for volunteering you’ll be supported through your experience and we hope that you have lots of fun along the way! You can choose to volunteer for as little or many hours
The Student Volunteering Fair Monday, October 4th 2004 5pm – 8pm The 4th Freshers’ Fair The Great Hall, Student’s Union We have over 30 projects in the local community: ■ Older people ■ People with mental health difficulties ■ Homeless people
■ School projects ■ Kids clubs We have a number of projects that could suit you – drop in to our volunteering fair to find out more. Check out our website for more information: www.svcardiff.org or visit our office on the 3rd Floor of the Student’s Union.
SOCIAL: SVC is about more than helping the community
as you can spare and we can help you choose a project that fits in with your timetable and free time. You can volunteer for a project that runs on a weekly, twice-monthly or monthly basis – it’s up to you. You’ll see us at all three Freshers Fairs during Freshers Week when our stall will be manned by members of our student executive committee and our project co-ordinators who are all volunteers and will be more than happy to help you with information about projects. Our Volunteering Fair is on Monday, October 4th in the Great Hall from 5pm when you’ll be able to sign up to volunteer on a project or if you miss that just pop into the SVC office for more information. Come into our office on the third floor of the union, check out our website www.svcardiff.org, email us for more information on svc@cardiff.ac.uk or give us a call on (029) 20781510.
Television
September 27 2004
Page 25
GaryorTristanorITguy@whotoblameforthisdebacle.org
Your essential guide to this week’s TV Sept 27th-Oct 3rd
A big juicy dripping cock up Technical Issues force TV desk to sell their souls and other stories
HOT Radio Times: Since the dawn of time, the BBC’s Radio and TV listings magazine has always provided readers with accurate and updated information for the week ahead. Long may it service the public in it’s intended role!
SOAPS No information here.
So, at twenty to 3 on this, the first deadline day-proper, TV desk walked chummily into the cauldron that is GR towers to participate in the weekly dishing out of the wildly accurate TV listings to you, the poor unsuspecting Cardiff public. However, and this a big however (HOWEVER, like this one perhaps?) somewhere on the TV listings food chain someone has eaten too many BBC2 Sundays, or something like that. So this left the four of us, and one perplexed editor with the conundrum of how to fill 8 pages that are required by punishment of death. Alas, your trusty TV team has once again excelled itself by plagiarising old copies of Heat and The Radio Times, as well as using our own exclusive brand of ‘creativity’ or filler as it is commonly known. Rather than waste our time doing silly things like copying out the listings verbatim we thought we’d give TV Holly the chance to fulfill her white-space-erasing fantasies. Enough of that, on behalf of TV writer at GR everywhere I would like to dedicate this awesomely scattershot at and some points near existential TV section to the departed genius that is TV Andy. Y’see, after gambling the rest of his student loan on Greece winning Euro 2004, TV Andy has upped sticks and taken his new found fortune to Bristol to start a suc-
cessful drug dealing business. God rest his little soul. For those of you who don’t know us (if not, why not?) this column normally serves as TV desks pick for te week. As we don’t have any listing we don’t know what is going ot be on next week so rather than speculate, we feel it would be wise to introduce ourselves. First and foremost TV John (Sunday 1am, MTV Hits) is the longest serving gair ryhdd contributor. His favourite kind of apples are Granny Smiths and his favourite holiday destination is Marbella.
Another veteran of GR frottage is cult favourite, TV Holly (Friday, five-late). Holly’s extraordinarily usage of the terms ‘frottage’ and ‘flange’ over the last 16 months have earned her a place in the TV desk hall of fame. Her favourite Australian is Stefan Dennis (of Neighbours fame) and her favourite method of contraception is the coil (“every time!”). TV Willy (Monday 7pm, Discovery Home and Leisure) is a relative newcomer to this TV business but he has had the filth beaten into him. This was part of a bizarre series of initiation ceremonies that TV Willy will always look fondly on TV Andy for. His favourite vacuum cleaner manufacturer is Dyson and his preferred brand of floppy disk is Verbatim. Last, but far from least, especially when TV Willy is around, is TV Desk’s newest addition TV Katie (Wednesday 12pm, Turner Classic Movies). She has returned specially from Nantes University just to type up the TV listings for you ingrates. Meanwhile, her favourite brand of sugared confectionary are Cherry Drops and she likes to pass the time at her favourite chain of Southern Hemisphere themed-bars Walkabout. And that my friends, for another week at least, is the unwelcome return of TV. Maybe next week we will have some listings to provides you with but for now, enjoy the fictional realm of gair ryhdd television. Bon voyage! xxx
NOT
gair ryhdd TV Desk: Since, ooh, let’s say 1999. The TV Desk has slowly been hammering the nails in it’s own rickety coffin. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are about to witness a new low-point in amateur journalism. on behalf of journalists anywhere, I apologise profusely.
SPORT Yep, same old story - nothing to report. But tune in again next week and all problems will have been sorted.
FILMS Nope, not a bean.
SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY
LEGAL SHIT
Fuck off, we really don’t know.
*Disclaimer
No, seriously. We know nothing this week.
Many of this week’s programmes are a result of a TV fuck up, namely that we have no listings. What you are about to read is corrosive and wrong. Good luck, and remember, don’t have nightmares.
September 27 - October 3 2004
Saturday
Page 26
Thefutureishorrible@generallackofemployment.com
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & Good Girls Don’t GET A 2nd for BBC Three 9.55pm SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
Your Union
11.00am Top of The Pops Saturday Pick One: Fearne Cotton, who is now immeasurably finer since ditching the ass of that sorry piece of scrubweed Peter From fameacadamy (who seems to be fronting Razorlight these days) spends 24 presumably boring hours with Dannii Minogue no doubt talking about little other than her sister, as is the case in every interview. Elsewhere, music comes from the walking mobile disco, DJ Casper, Ashlee Simpson, who is rubbish, and Rooster, a band so impossibly awful the only way to describe them involves a threesome between Maroon 5, Reef and the one from McFly everyone wants to slap. Happy watching. 6.25pm Only Fools and Horses Warning! Crap recent episode where they go to France. This WILL be like Steptoe and Son if it goes on any longer 12.00 midnight Film: Tough Guys Starring Burt Lancaster, so tough he played a hilarious moustached coach in a crap eighties sitcom, and Kirk Douglas, so tough he fathered Hollywood’s biggest smarmy prick. 01.45am Friday Night With Jonothan Ross Repeat of last nights respectably tawdry shennanigans with Trinny and Susannah, and music from Robbie “Franz Ferdinand can rip off XTC can get away with it so why can’t I?” Williams rocking the joint.
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
Absolutely Fucking Nothing I’m sorry, but BBC Three have had the best part of three months to improve their TV schedules and haven’t bothered, so I can’t be bothered to tell you what they’re showing. If you’re REALLY dying to know, it’s all basically a rehash of things they were showing before the summer, and the obligatory episode of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps at quarter past midnight. There’s a program called “Good Girls Don’t” on at 9.55pm which I don’t know anything about but I’m just mentioning so I can include a picture of something ridiculous and pornographic at the top of the page. Unfortunately for me the only television I’ve watched all summer, was the European Championship football, which was rubbish right up until Greece beat France, then it was amazing there was a pitch invader who fell over into the goal net during the final, and Christiano dick-o childface cried. Hahahaha. Oh, I’ve also enjoyed Room Raiders and Dismissed on MTV a little TOO much.
Tough Guys BBC1 12midnight
11.25am Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross Rotten Johnny peruses the latest cinema guff, including the new Jet Li film for the boys among us, and Wilmbledon for those among us so monumentally dim tjat they think that going to see a romantic comedy about tennis with a cameo by Chris Moyles is a better idea than, well, anything. Incidentally, I’m resisting the urge to drop in a tennis related pun, simply because the Radio Times has managed to include two in the same day. Oh OK then: Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany drop in to discuss new balls and getting one over. I shouldn’t have bothered. 7.25pm Do You Still Believe in Tony? Guess the Tony: Tony Hart: not seen him for a while. Tony Lommi: hmmm shouldn’t bother with the boring repetitive Black Sabbath reunions: they’ve reunited more times than Paris Hilton’s legs. Tony the Tige:, I stopped believing after he turned all secret agent on us, but now he’s back to just being grrreat, you’ve got to keep the faith. Unfortunately this is about Tony Blair, and only the brave and stupid believe in him. 10.30pm Film: Pleasantville Pleasant is the name of the game, as pansying about in black and white fifties “glory” is the name of the game. With Toby Maguire, who is the Michael Owen of Hollywood. 2am - 6am Open University Not especially interesting television, I’ll admit. But there’s a program at 2am called The Lapedo Child, and one at 3.30am called After the Genome, both of which can be misread to make averagely amusing program titles. My brain hurts.
5.35 The Block Australia “Hey tell you what, guys: nobody watched the UK edition of this program. In fact so few that we’ve had to move it to graveyard shifts and not even bother to advertise it. Hows about we get the Australian version and show that instead everyone’s gotta love those backward Australians - we could even advertise it by blatantly overstereotyping the contestants by talking about barbies and saying bonza a lot too!” 7.10pm Orange Playlist Minnie Driver so obviously has an incredibly boring and bland taste in music so there is absolutely no point at all in this 30 minute show where she reveals her personal playlist to Lauren Laverne, who tries my patience more and more every time she’s on TV. 9.05 10 Things I Hate About You Loosely based on The Taming of the Shrew. In the same way that TV Desk is loosely based on providing information about this week’s TV.
Kirsty Does Dubai Sky One 9pm
9.25pm Ministry of Mayhem Seriously guys, how low quality television is Ministry of Mayhem? It’ll all guts-or-glory comedy for the first three minutes during the punk pop opening and then it’s just fucking rubbish for the following two hours and two minutes. Plus the Rugrats episodes they show where they’re all like, teenagers, can 100% totally, absolutely without a doubt, kiss my ass. 5.35pm New You’ve Been Framed The only thing “new” is that it’s now narrated by Harry Hill. Now I know how Superman fans felt when they first saw a crippled Christopher Reeve being wheeled out of hospital. 7.05pm The X Factor Almost certainly the best thing on TV at the moment, because Simon Cowell’s “mean” persona is clearly slipping, such as when he gave the dopey horse-featured divorcee the nod, even though she was basically a shit Olivia NewtonJohn lookalike. Louis is where it’s at these days. At least he still has the decency to say ‘You’re too fat, love’ 10.05pm Parkinson Prat who doesn’t share his name with a disease by accident, this week interviews Ant and Dec, not because they’re also stalwarts of ITV1’s Saturday schedule or anything. Music comes from Tom Jones featuring Jools Holland, so let’s all kill ourselves instead.
Wreck Detectives five12.35am
12.25pm Wreck Detectives Don’t let your housemates catch you watching it, as it involves bearded men with nothing better to do trying to work out why boats sank off the coat of Normandy. A bit like Time Team, in that respect, only with no pretty scenery, no shrubbery, fewer beards and no Baldrick. Plus, you can rue the losses that Channel Four is showing a programme called “Can You Pull...Britney?” at the same time. And you say Wales doesn’t have its priorities right. 4.30pm Force of Nature Similarly, Channel Four at this time are showing a no doubt saucy Sid James film, whereas viewers of S4C will be delighted to see “The bizarre story of Donald Crowhurst’s fraudulent and ill-fated bid to win the 1968 Observer Round The World Yacht Race.” Great, did he sail in a bin? Was it ill-fated because he didn’t even leave the harbour at the beginning before sinking? Is Donald Crowhurst the name of a farmer’s prize goat? Who knows? 10.20pm Film: Along Came a Spider I started watching this last week when it was shown on “normal” TV, and it gets boring pretty quickly. It’s like an episode of A Touch of Frost with more melodrama, but worth watching the first two minutes with the phenomenally bad special effects. I’ve seen better effects in a Sunny Delight advert. 12.10am Film: My Cousin Vinny Comedy rubbish with Joe Pesci, who hasn’t been the same since Home Alone. Speaking of which, I saw a copy of Home Alone 4 the other day? Now there’s a good idea for a film.
1pm TV Years: 1983 The year I was born.Yay. I don’t know what TV was around then, apart from The Royal Wedding and the beginning of breakfast television, but there’s always a chance of Dallas being on these programs. Which is good
5.30pm One Tree Hill Sounds like some sort of American Mid West mining town. The title of this episode is “You’ve Gotta Go There to Come Back”, which makes it awful by default for reminding me of The Stereophonics.
6pm The Simpsons Bart joins a boy band. This episode is an anomaly on the Simpsons time line, in that it’s an episode made since 1997 which I actually quite liked, despite featuring the guest voices of N*Sync; blatantly guest voices for guest voices sake.
7.45pm Fucking Your Mum Unfortunately, no information was available about this programme before going to press, but rest assured, this is going to be good. (“Fun for all the family - a real discovery!” - Mark Thatcher)
9pm Kisty Does Dubai Tart taking her clothes off in the desert. Hot! 11pm Conspiracies... This program promises a theory linking Eminem to Bin Laden and William Shakespeare. They’ve all got an E in their name. They all wear monacles around the house. They’re all dead. They all voted Republican. They all have hideously hair bum fluff.
8.34pm Uncle Boner David Gest stars in this new sitcom, in which Justin “Uncle” Boner, a magician at childrens parties with an erectile problem, tries to balance both his work and his wild family life. What adventures lie in store this week? 11.35 Lumbering For Pre-Teens Bobby Davro dons his checks and manhandles a saw, can he teach 7G to chop up a mighty log before the festival?
2.55pm The Making of Wilmbledon Oh wait, I’ve just found another pun about Wimbledon in the Radio Times. I wish I got paid for doing that rather than the literally peanuts I get there. Actually, I get delicious, steaming hot and lipsmackingly tasty Domino’s pizza, which is better than any money. 3.25pm Michael Jackson’s Private Home Movies: The King of Pop Up Close and Personal. Yes, we’re back. 8.00pm Tickled Pink: Girl’s Night In Live! A feisty extravaganza of musical delights starring Natasha Bedingfield. Will she be attempting to be the new Billie Piper this evening or will be trying to be the new Nelly Furtado? I saw her on some outdoor festival rubbish on MTV over the summer - there’s a woman with a serious identity crisis: she wears dresses and prances about like a pixie nymph wearing that ho-bag from Evanescene’s wardrobe, trying to be all kooky, but she looks like a donkey’s erect conk, and is obviously filthy. Tickled Pink (oh the hilarius innuendo) also stars Tom Jones and Jools Holland, so if you want to top yourself before their perfomance on Parkinson later, here’s your chance. 9.10 Film: Erin Brockovich Feel-good ‘anyone can achieve anything’ Oscar-orientated bollocks starring Julia Roberts, who needs a shave, and, in the sort of hideous treat which makes me want to retch my stomach lining all over my shoes, there’s also a cameo from the real Erin Brockovich, appearing as a waitress. Watching this is a one way ticket to the puke superstore.
1.00pm Can You Pull... Britney? As a bloated, snide, miserable TV critic with no money who can’t even shave his neck properly with precisely zero career prospects and a love of the early work of Bruce Springsteen and sticking paperclips in my ear, I think she’d fucking cream herself to pull me first. 8.10pm The Worst Jobs in History TV John reads out his CV live on air. 11.15m Green Wing I saw the first episode of this when I was back home earning a living (sob) and thought it was brilliant, mainly because the guy that plays McCartney was great, although I HATED the stop-start slow-down-speed-up camerawork. It was like living in a Fatboy Slim song. 4.20am Butcher Hook A “Disturing short film about animals taking their revenge on a taxidermist.” Well he shouldn’t have tried stuffing them without protection, then.
Sunday
Page 32
September 27 - October 3rd 2004
Schit-Hot!@Hoe-down.com
9am The Great North Run Oh do me a fucking favour. The Olympics is long gone now. Nobody gives a god damn about running on television. Especially running around Newcastle. You get enough of that watching the oafish townies trying to deal asprins on street corners on Byker Grove to watch a bunch of stinking vest wearing morons doing it as well. Apart from those doing it for charity, but at least they don’t holler about it. 9pm Dirty War BORING. I man, how many more programs do the BBC have to make about impending terrorist attacks asking the question, “How ready are we?” before someone with half a brain responds with, “A lot more if the government didn’t plonk loads of money into making tacky action dramas like this, which prove nothing except that as a country, we enjoy sitting on our asses watching other people involved in calamities rather than do something about it ourselves.” It’s our loss, people. 10.50pm Dirty War: Your Questions Answered As above, experts. 11.35 Film: Double Take Action comedy thriller, states a trusty films guide near to me. Starring Orlando Jones, who is a poor mans Denzel Washington says a trusty deputy editor near to me also. How am I doing? Is this space filled yet? No? Odfgofdngodnfgd. Yes!
7pm End of Story I hate BBC Three. End of Story. 1.30am See 9pm it says here. Hahaha 2.25am See 8pm. Arf! 3.25am See7pm. And so on So anyway, as you may or may not have guessed by the spectacular lack of information we’ve given you in the TV listings this week. We actually haven’t got any and have made most of this stuff up based on information we’ve clearly stolen from the Radio Times. If anybody has issue with this incredible naff situation wish to take issue with this, please talk to our editor, because this ridiculous mess which has caused much distress and terror to everyone, most of all me who spent all day manhandling gravy stains off plates as a kitchen porter before coming up here, is entirely his fault. I’m so tired trying to listen to Sisters of Mercy and stay awake “Hey now, Hey now now....”
Dirty Filthy Love ITV1 9pm
11.40am Birding With Bill Oddie Beautful. Bill goes to the Shetlands to root out breeding birds and migrants. I was going to write a load of comedy about Bill Oddie looking for a different kind of bird but I really like the guy. If Phillip Schofield looks like the kind of uncle who’d work in big business, buy you a board game for Christmas and then fuck off, Bill Oddie is the sort of uncle who’d take you on coastal walks, and buy you expensive painting sets for Christmas, even though he can’t really afford them on his wages earnt painting postcards for tourists on theseafont of a Pembrokeshire coastal town. Your parents would have to secretly ask, “Are you sure you can afford to buy these things?” when they think you can’t hear, and Bill would just say, “I’m sure: I wanted to give them something special. Since Sheila passed away I’ve wanted to pass my love of art to somebody new,” and everything would be OK. I’m not related to Bill Oddie, by the way. Match of the Day 2 Pisspoor supplement to Match of the Day, which actually makes you long for the days of The Premiership On Monday on ITV1, with it’s fun triva quizzes before the break, Andy Townsend’s Tactics Truck, and, of course, the hedonistic days of Ron “I know many black people and most of them lot are my friends” Atkinson. Sigh. Fortunately tonights edition features Gordon Strachan who, as a Southampton fan, I have a lot of time for, not because he was a great manager, but because his post-match comments made football what it is. “It was boring. I’d rather have been watching Die Hard.” “We were playing political football,” etc etc etc. Wonderful.
10.30pm Bognor or Bust I know a lot of people kicked up a massive fuss about Bognor Regis being seen as the booby prize on this. They should be caring that people are actually giving a damn about their town rather than complaining about it. I quite like Bognor Regis; it’s like Weston-Super-Mare only it has TWO crazy golf courses, including one of the courses where if you ring the bell at the end, you win a free round. There’s also a pier with fuck all on it AS THERE SHOULD BE and a doughnut stand on the seafront that sells incredibly small doughnuts that are slightly better than “dinky donuts” but taste like wolf shit, that are really nice but you can’t eat more than two without wanting to get chunky with the kerbside. AND there’s a Butlin’s with a big tent-like roof. AND a record shop that I once bought a single by Dark Star before they started re-releasing remixes of all their singles before disappearing off the face of the earth. AND the Chariots of Fire soundtrack for 50p. AND ace graffiti. AND....
The Art Show S4C 2.05am
11.15 The Ark The Ark visits a donkey sanctuary and the animals hear some stories about Jesus. Evidently not a retelling of the Old Testament story, given that Jesus wasn’t born and visiting a donkey sanctuary wouldn’t have resulted in seeing many live donkeys. 8pm Heartbeat Can someone with more patience than me please tell me whether it’s true that they’ve replaced Greengrass with another dawdly scheming old man, or not? I heard a rumour but I just can’t bring myself to watch the program to see. From the trailers, I’ve noticed that Jonathan Kerrigan, who everyone’s sister used to fancy, now stars. 9pm Dirty Filthy Love Typical ITV1 lighthearted drama cack which is so saccharine you could bottle it and sell it for 99p as “Jucee”. Still, ammunition for when TV Holly goes googling for pictures for me. 11.05pm The South Bank Show A two-part profile of Robert Arnold. Who? Exactly, he’s allegedly a composer, but since the other week the subject of TSBS was Ronnie Wood and his collection of paintings, pretty much and scrubber or drunk can get Melvyn Bragg’s brown tongue wagging. This is followed by a repeat of the Chinese Grand Prix, which isn’t worthy of it’s own section because motor racing is for impotent shitheads.
10am Boris the Rat, Neil the Yoghurt, and Barry Bison Live performance of Boris Becker’s controversial drama, from the Drury Lane Theatre, in which he co-stars as a Portugese water rat. Neil Diamond also appears as some bio yoghurt, and Barry Venison as the ghost of Barry Venison (in Bison form) 5.50pm Film: Sexy Man in Pants With William Shatner 7.30pm Sexy Man in Pants With Hosepipe Sequel to the Oscar-winning Sexy Man in Pants, starring William Shatner as the title character, and Orlando Bloom as the hosepipe. 9.45 Buttman’s Anal Adventure Sadly not actually being shown, but rather the title of a porno my friend Alex discovered his brother downloading on his computer during the summer holidays 12 Midnight Cold Case The terror of the shrivels. Remember, in regards to urinating outdoors, there’s no steam without shrivels. I feel sick
Chancers five12.35am
9.25am Britney Spears: The Video Exclusive Should be entertaining viewing. Britney gets her bits out to the surprise of frankly nobody as she prances about performing her version of “My Perogative” by Bobby Brown, which was fairly crap in the first place. But still Britters knows how to win over the boys so everything’s OK. 4.30pm Too Posh to Wash Barrel scraping entertainment as, you’ve guessed it, literally stinking aristocrats come under the scrutiny of two comparatively fresh TV presenters. You can’t make this stuff up. Joe Public is always complaining that there are too many repeats and rehashed ideas on their television, but when this is the alternative, they’d better not come crying to me. 10.10 Film: Gladiator I haven’t seen this, but I’m sure I wouldn’t like it. However, someone else might: there’s attempted incest in it (Fun for all the family etc etc etc). 2.05 The Art Show Beware live art it says. Too right, I say. I once witnessed live art at an exhibition in Southampton in which a girl who looked like Kate Bush rolled around in some sand for a while and swooped her hands over her head a lot. Not unlike Kate Bush actually, come to think about it. It was absolutely fantastic for about a minute. Like when you hear the beginning of “Orpheus” by Ash and then it goes shit. You know it. There’s a song by Ja Rule that’s like that too, but I won’t go into that. Run out of information but if anyones going to see The Decemberists in October in Bristol, drop me a line, as I really need somewhere to stay.
9pm Average Joe Hawaii Pointless “on tour” variant of the hilariously prejudicial dating show. I guess that’s the point, but I like the way the show doesn’t even portray them as averag”, just incredibly ugly. Pig Shit Swilling Gooftroop Gonzo Wankleberry Joe more like. 11.10pm Six Feet Under I really should watch an episode of this one of these days, especially now it has Justin Theroux in it, who scores the double whammy of both being related to Louis Theroux (and therefore Paul Theroux also), but was also one of the best characters in Mulholland Drive - one of the best films anyone could ever dream of seeing. However, I’m useless and may never get round to seeing any of this series, much like I did with 24, and, oh, every other American import under the sun. 12.30pm Who Gives a Fuck I certainly don’t. That’s why I’m resorting to making up programs again. Oh, I’m really sorry.
11.35am Braceface Sharon is made a camp counsellor. I was almost a camp counsellor, but I couldn’t pull off the mince. 3.40pm Film: North to Alaska With John Wanker. Sorry, Wayne. People rave about John Wayne, to which I say one trick pony. He’s no different to Sean “Stifler” Williams-Scott in that respect. Only less rib-rousting. 6.10pm Film: Curly Sue Man, any film called Curly Sue is guaranteed to be monolithically shit. 10pm The Farm Here it is folks TV series of the century. It’s going to be BIG, and it’s not even about the wack Liverpudlian indie mong band of the same name. It’s a ruralmeets-reality showdown of the highest orders. Grade A choice celebrity cuts, fight to the bone for their place on “the farm” like the Big Brother House, only with twice as much freshy hoed turd. Celebrities include Paul Daniels and Rebecca Loos, who I’ve actually forgotten who she is. No news on whether Richard Blackwood’s going to turn up dressed as a cow or a scarecrow or something like that but it’s bound to happen. Speaking of which, I remember the days when Richard Blackwood was due to be Britain’s answer to Will Smith. Insert laugh here.
Your Union
Gladiator S4C 10.10pm
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA - ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
12.25am Seniors Golf Old dawdling tosspots playing a snobbish sport for pug nosed toffs. Cack. It’s at this point every week I take time out to write the music I’ve been listening to. Alas, not much space, but my summer was ruled by The Decemberists, Nightwish, Neutral Milk Hotel, Iron and Wine, and Tarkio.
12.55pm Chancers Six British urban musicians are aided by Fatman Scoop (presumably in how to shout like a fucking rabid raccoon over other peoples records) to see how much of America gives a shit. Probably, given the record of British artists in American, the shit that they give will be less than minimal. Apparently Busted are making a documentary for MTV to be screened over there. Like Busted would work over there. Busted are seriously too good for America. 5.30 Trains with Pete Waterman So after the spectacular failure of One True Voice, Louis and Simon swank it up for Pop Idol 3 (don’t even try and pretend it isn’t) but Pete’s gone back to his roots, or someone else’s roots, and is spouting crap about steam trains that produce a lot less hot air than Pete undoubtedly will 8pm Bremner, Bird and Fortune Smug Impressionist returns with significantly funnier sidekicks. Etc...
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA - ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
Monday
Page 28
September 27 - October 3rd 2004
jesuslovespie@godskitchen.com
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
Your Union
FUN FACTORY All Building: 9pm – 2am £2 adv. Free entry to people at V C ’ s address.Featuring Zane Lowe (BBC Radio 1). All your favourite rock and alternative tunes.
Live at the Apollo BBC1 10.35pm
11.00 Car Booty As we have no TV listings it’s going to be nothing but tricky to give you, the brown haired girl in the Talybont house 23 Flat 2-2, the up to date TV information you will learn to know and love! Set you alarms for Car booty, a BBC rip off of an ITV rip-off of a BBC format. Got that? 4.30 Lizzie Maguire Over the past few months, Gary the anything if not competent GR editor has bowed under relentless pressure from our corporate overlords at Domino’s Pizza. Apart from the oversized adverts at the side of the page the new sponsorship of TV will not affect our writing. And you can take TV Willy’s word for that. 7.00 Cash In The Attic Feeling hungry as you settle down to watch another delightful piece of early evenign BBC1 Programming? Why not order a tastey pizza direct to your door from Domino’s? Domino’s tastey ingredients ensure the best taste and our new Oven Fresh delivery system keeps our pizzas fresh and yummy. 11.50 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross Don’t forget to order a side and an ice cold Coca-Cola for a Fun Slice of family ife for 30 minutes! For your local Domino’s log on to www.dominos.co.uk and order online.
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 – DELIVERED! CALL 029 20709922
7.30 Body Hits This really is getting ridiculous. I assure all the Freshers out there, as TV Willy I have the authority to do so, that TV will return to it’s normally impeccable mix of listings and sub-standard filth next week. At the moment we are sharing a copy of Heat and the Radio Times and playing Soggy Biscuit (TV Holly just watches). 9.00 Blood On The Turntable In a recent interview with The Mail on Sunday, 4Real BBC1 DJ tim Westwood talked candidly about his shooting on the mean streets of Belgravia and his preferred variety of biscuit as an adolescent. Hob-knob apparently, for their durability if nothing else. 12.30 Sex warts and All USA American teenagers recollect fondly about recent games of the American version of soggy biscuit, ‘soggy oreo’. Bastian Springs, 17, describes it as “an ingredient changing experience”.
Birding with Bill BBC2 2.00pm
10.00 Teletubbies TV Willy has lasted a whole channel before running out of the funny ideas needed to fill 8 fucking pages of TV listings. I wonder how TV Holly is going on? 2.00 Birding with Bill Oddie “I am currently completeing my romantic novella, a soft porn opus entitled ‘Third Hole Lucky”. my lead character Bastian Springs has rached a crossroads in his career as a hotel porter caught between of world of romantic entanglements with young Turks and life as the gimp -in -chief for an affluent stockbroker”. 8.30 University Challenge This weeks challenge: how many intelligent university students and graduates/part-time gravy scraping porters does it take to get a week’s worth of TV listings. Answer: about fucking nineteen, who can’t do it and this my dear dear friends is the tremendously amateur result. 9.00 Never Mind the Cocks Mark Lamarr returns to his hown fishing village of Abergivillliy on the West coast of Wales to talk to the friends he left behind as a young man headed for the big sights and big lights of downtown Tallahassee, Florida. 9.30 Room 101 Serious now, the pizzas have just arrived so I must go and reap the dividends of my corporate arse kissing. Newsaper designers must do all is possible to avoid white space. That explains the Daily Express.
Another theme...another theme, please, I’m good for it Gary. 8.00 Airline USA Aha, relevance! If the amount of paper wasted on the 8 pages of TV this week was made into paper mache it would be enough to create a small fleet of airplanes with enough firepower to bomb Bristol to smitherenes. 8.30 The Planet’s Funniest Animals Starring Sven ‘bird’ Erikkson, Ruud ‘Champion the wonderhorse’ Nistelrooy, Esther ‘also a horse’ Rantzen, Sarah ‘another equine’ Jessica Parker. And a one-legged pigeon. 11.00 Hotel California On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair, warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air.
Jewish Law Channel4 8.00pm
4.30 My Parents Are Aliens Which explains a lot of things especially my inability to appreciate the fantastic music of Maroon 5. on this tnagent a list of bands that GR staffers have decreed to be shit even though everyone likes them. Here we go, The Thrills, Franz Ferdinand, The Zutons, The Coral and TV John’s own peculiar band of Eurovision heavy metal. 8.00 Tonight With trevor McDonald...... “I am going to be Charlotte Church.” “Ladies and Gentlemen, William Dean as Charlotte Church” Audience Cheers 8.30 Corrie Finally, something I can write about.Maria shoves Leanne who calls her a “stupid scally slag”, and then they both leg it down to the boozer to have a traditional northern Deep-fried Mars bar eating contest. Maria wins. 11.00 Footballer’s Wives Kyle laughs heartily as he realises the genital wart he has been struggling to shed throughout his recent period of suspension is really a joke shop substitute. A hearty laugh is had by all. Except the leper slaves on the TV desk. 1.05 In Bob’s Closet Recently departed comedian Bob Monkhouse takes us through the contents of his wardrobe. God bless his soul.
There really isn’t much point in writing out any listings for Sky One. The reasons for this are listed thus; 1) I can’t be fucked. 2) The guard on the door here at GR towers won’t let me move to the other side of the room to get the Radio Times, in case I escape to my nice home to watch the Empire Strikes Back. 3) We all know that Sky one has been showing the same programmes in the same order since it’s inception in 1964. It usually works something like this, The Simpsons every other programme with Malcolm in the Middle and The World’s Funniest Police Intimidation Tactics.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimering light, my head grew heavy and sight frew dim, I had to stop for the night.
4) Oh, I forgot to mention, Sky One Mix is having a Dogging Uncovered marathon next Sunday. Set you Videoplus/Sky+/VCR/Space filling babble.
Welcome to the Hotel California
5)Sheriff John Brunel
Perry Mason five 3.40am
9.30 Ysgilion My Welsh speaking colleague infoms me that ysgilion means schools in Welsh. Schools of what exactly? Do they mean fish? Children? Fish crossed with children? This language is so vague. Time for some poor jokes courtesy of whoever happens to be in the office at this point in time. What’s Red and Invisible? No Tomato. Did you her about the dyslexic pimp? He brought a warehouse Oh dear Lord. 6.30 Friends Wait, there’s more! TV John has just chipped up with “Shakespeare walks into a pub, he says, ‘Can I have a pint of bitter?’ The barman says, “Fuck off mate you’re Bard!” Ho ho. 10.35 Y Clwb Rygbi Fresh from reporting stories about thefts and dodgy landlords, news chip in with “What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?” “Christopher Walken!” 1.00 the Worst Jobs in History Nevermind jobs, the worst JOB in the world is TV editor at this disgusting rag of a publication. 2.00 Funny Already: A history of Jewish comedy. Did I mention that I went to Japan over the summer holidays? I did? Guess I’ll have to tell you all again. Our flight left Manchester at 10.35 on a sunday morning. Fathers days I believe, etc, ad infinitum.
11.00 Never Mind the Bollocks.....Here’s Snow Patrol Saviours of Scottish indie. Who aren’t Belle and Sebastian, or The Delgados, or Franz Ferdinand or The Proclaimers. Gary lightbody and co give us a sneaky insight into their hedonistic lifestyle. Highlights include the band bumping into Keane backstage at the T(ea) on The Lawn festival (formerly VFestival) sparking a terrifying 72 hour bender of Horlicks and shandy. 1.00 Greensleeves: Behind The Music 4.00 Bastian Springs’ Guide To Fellatio In a shift from it’s normal latenight timeslot, Bastian takes us into the seedy underworld of cosmopolitan Winchester and discovers some shocking truths about the local sex trends, referred to by Wintonians as “King Arthuring”. Stay tuned for details of Bastian’s Recent Pullitzer Prize nomination.
9.15 Franny’s Feet. Lead singer of popular 90’s Britpop band Travis explores the fascinating world of internet based foot fetishes. 8.00 Megastructures An in-depth look at the technology needed to build and maintain the vast structure that is the Waterproof Tornado Vibrator as endorsed by our very own TV Holly. 10.00 The Farm five’s attempts to shed it’s reputation as a seedy network showing the kind of second grade filth one would normally encounter in The Private Shop on Mill Lane is dashed as new programmers decrease programmes listed under the ‘classy’ category and increasing those under the ‘beastiality’ bracket. Up the bracket. 11.05 Naked Celebrity Possibly the most misleading programme title ever coined. Alas dear reader don’t worry. TV Willy can provide you with a dose of textured pornographic imagery. *Censored due to explicit refernces to sex involving the feet of young immigrant workers* 12.10 Lexx MORE FILTH! Resident porn specialist Holly HD seems to think that Lexx is “one of those programmes where they shove together clips from various pornos and have them presented by soem retard with her tits out”. It is now 21.00, I have been here since twenty to three and wish for myself a slow painful death.
10.00 4Learning: JCB Hotwiring Resident four learning car crime expert Bastian Springs takes a number of pre-teens under his wing in order to teach them the essential life-skill of nicking big yellow diggers. Highlights include little Jimmy Williams struggling with a huge intimidating gear stick. Watch out for Bastian’s top tips on making the balance between car-crime and parenting. The barrel is really being scraped. I hope someone is reading this. On the other I may be referred to a specialist if anyone actually has the tenacity to do so.
1.00 Sordid Imaginations Four minds punished by a grueeling schedule of digging and listneing to euro-tastic heavy metal music slowly go crazy, ala Jack in the Shining. All work and no play makes TV desk go crazy, all work and no play makes TV desk go crazy, all work and no play makes TV desk go crazy, all work and no play makes TV desk go crazy, all work and no play
September 27 - October 3rd 2004
Tuesday
Page 27
annabellechong@fidelity.orgy
Eastenders BBC1 7.30pm
Pingu BBC2 8.45am
7:00 Short Change: the Fat Nation Challenge Ugh, TV John just mentioned The Thrills of whom I have an absurdly large loathing. Am I the only one who associates the band with fields full of 17:00 Byker Grove Geoff is flowers and camp men prancing around half naked? dead, I’m still mourning
Snow Patrol ITV 12.50pm
11:00 Car Booty Star Trek rarities are sold to fund a family day out. Jeeeesus, God Almighty in Hell. What next, belly-button fluff sold to raise money for cheese and onion pasty in Greggs?
9:25 Trisha Over an hour of chav-scum, Burberry spotting and the chance to think adoringly of your own parents as you cringe at the thought of having Cheryl and Kevin as your mummy and daddy.
those sideburns. I’d still like to watch this but sadly the kids in it are almost old enough to be my own and that makes me sad...
10.30 This Morning Fern and Philip are gaining truly legendary status, and slowly but surely the pain of Richard and Judy’s demise on ITV is fading. Ronan Keating pops in for a chat today, yippee.
19:30 EastEnders Garry thinks he’s got a poltergeist and Dennis tells Sharon his Sex in Pauline Fowlers’ bed fantasy. 21:00 A Thing Called Love New series with Paul Nicholls. Paul Nicholls is from Bolton, Boltons’ Football team is called Bolton Wonderers, Wondering is like pondering or musing, Muse are a band, a band aid is a plaster, plastering is a trade, trade begins with the letter T, as does the word ten, which brings us on to
13:00 Loose Women
Quality bit of debate from 9:40 Tweenies Our furry friends discuss the origins of various Z-list celebs. Don’t forget to turn over at 1.40 milk. Milo gets a slap for for Neighbours though. mentioning mammaries. Yeah, I know it’s repeated
22:00 The Kumars at No42 With Amanda Holden and Rachel Stevens. I heard that Amanda Holden was born with an extra nipple. Wouldn’t it be funny if, when getting the third one removed, the surgeon removed one on the side instead of the middle one, leaving the patient with two nips on one side of her body? 4:00 AS Guru: Biology 2 Masturbation, wet dreams and bestiality. You gonna stay up to see if I’m lying?
at 5.35. You watch them both, ok?
19:00 Emmerdale Farmer Giles feeds his pigs Alpen by mistake. They lose 13lbs between them. Betty knits a willy-warmer for Ginger. What do you mean, these characters aren’t in Emmerdale? You’ve been watching the wrong programme knob jockey. 00:50 Snow Patrol...in profile Follows the band’s early days in Dundee up to the release of Final Straw. Apparently they’re making an appearance in the OC soon too.
11:35 Bobinogi Double bill of adventures with Ogi, Nib and Bobin. WOW! Must remember to watch this, will tell all next week but it’s sure to be fanbloodytastic. 18:00 Friends The One with the Stork and the Brain-dead Badger. 21:00 Y Fuwch Ddu Documentary tracing the history of the Welsh Black Cattle Society. Woah, aren’t you glad you get this instead of Going Straight on Channel 4, a documentary about exprisoners opening a florist? 22:55 NY-LON Pretty good series following a transAtlantic relationship. Soundtrack’s class. 02:30 Freesports on 4 Snowboarding action from Livigno, Italy. I went snowboarding in Spain and was shockingly bad. Ended up knackered and disgrundtledhaving a 4-hour lunch break and paying 11 euros for some spinach and chips. Got an awesome bruise though. You know when you’ve really hurt yourself and you wanna show your friends but only get a tiny bruise that looks like you got hit by a 4-year old? Well mine was better.
22:00 The Farm Rural life gets messy for the celebrities as tonight one must perform a “dirty task.” 23:05 The Woman Swamped by Her Own Skin British slimmer Valerie Rogers has lost an incredible 22 stone - but is now left with loose excess skin which alone weighs over 30 pounds. This documentary follows Valeries’ decision to undergo a 12-hour “body lift” operation in the States. I say give the excess to the Cheeky Girls.
Your Union
17:35 Neighbours Olivia rejects Stuart's advances, (possibly due to that skanky lump of stubble just under his bottom lip) Sindi helps Toadie to prepare for Lou's court case and Tom bones Susan in the confession box with a musical accompaniment from Buddy Holly. Boyd eats pizza.
8:45 Pingu Where is Pingu from, is he Norwegian? Answers on a postcard please. He’s underrated though, whatever his country of origin.
Fat Fat Fatty five 11.05pm
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23:35 Drastic Plastic Features men who have undergone extreme plastic surgery. One guy took a $100,000 bet to have female breast implants. Titillating. Breast implants are expensive, as is Waitrose, weight is something that women worry about, worry brings on hernias and wrinkles, wrinkles are for old people, old people die and go to heaven, heaven is where angels come from, which brings us onto 00:30 Angel
22:00 BBC News at Ten O'Clock
7:30pm Body Hits How our physical appearance affects the way we see ourselves and how others view us. Girls Aloud singer Nicola Roberts is a fucking mingbag, how dare she reach pop stardom with such a poor excuse for a face.
6:45pm Ask a Silly Question People give their responses to silly or odd questions. Why are pubes curly? What does Tara-Palmer Tomkinson actually do? Why don’t Westlife ever get nominated for the Mercury Music price? What is Superman’s spotty friend called?
9:00pm Toughest Seaside Resorts in Britain Hopefully Weston Super-Nightmare will feature here.
10:47pm As I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death Documentary about a 12-year-old problem child who discovers Slipknot and brutally slaughters his rabbit 7:00 Champions League with a compass. Features 10:55 The Graham Norton Live Olympiakos v Liverpool gruesome scenes and despiEffect With guest Seth Have lost touch with cable language. Not suitable Green. Am I alone in my crush on Seth Green and all Liverpool since Ian Rush left. for under 6’s. his shortness? The Graham Had a sticker of Neil Ruddock by my bed, quite 3:62am Richard Whitely: Norton Effect: ‘I’m gay and fancied him. Should I be Uncovered Two-part series very effeminate’, all homoembarrassed by that? Went revealing the dark side of sexuals are like me, really. the chirpy Countdown preGay joke, willy joke, gay joke, through a Michael Owen phase too, got an annual senter. Bestiality, felching dick. about him one Christmas and unashamed spanking did you know that he has means this is one to stay up 11:40 Sex, Warts and All size 6 feet? for. USA According to the Radio Times this is an ‘insight into 2:30am Home Shopping Buy Just found the word nincomcarnal proclivities poop in the thesaurus. Other Stateside.’ Proclivities, now yourself a strap-on from the comfort of your skanky stuwords you could use include there’s an underused word. dent sofa. dickhead, gobshite, fuckwit Get it into an essay if you and lamebrain. can.
9:00am Friends The One Where Joey’s Banjo String snaps
4:00pm A Place in the Sun: Home or Away A couple have a budget of 250,000 pounds (this computer has a pound 9:30 Friends The One Where sign but it seems nigh on Chandler cracks an ironic impossible to get it to funcjoke and then stands there tion thus forcing me to write with his mouth open, gestic- the sign in letter-format) to ulating wildly as Monica rais- spend on a property in either es her eyebrows in a patron- East Wales or Spain. Big ising manner. decision there then. 6:00pm Friends The One Where Nothing Happens but You Know You’ll Watch It anyway
1:50am Monkey If you watch absolutely nothing else all week, please PLEASE watch this! Fucking hilarious Japonese action type soap 10:30 Friends The One with superb special effects Where They go to a Cafe and and dubbing to die for. God I all sit around a Sofa and totally forgot this programme drink Coffee existed until now, whoever knows me make sure I’m at 12:00 Friends The One with home or in front of a tv with Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, a good enough reception to Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix get Channel 4 and not S4Shit. I’m gonna start a campaign to get this onto the mainstream broadcast.
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Wednesday
Page 28
September 27 - October 3rd 2004
retardsunite@TVfuckup.com
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Eggheads BBC112.30am
10.00 City Hospital A shitter with gingivitis stars. Well, that’s what she thinks it is (though she can’t say it). What she actually has is a bad case of anal scabies in the mouth. That’s what you get for blowing a bullock. 3.25 Chris’ Sing-A-Long Chris Eubank charms us all with his happy rendition of Jojo’s ‘Leave (Get Out)’, while wearing pink rubber gloves. Ooh, he’s an odd one.
Your Union
7.25 My Hero Derren Brown appears to save me from the hell-hole that is TV Desk tonight. As you have gathered, things haven’t entirely gone to plan. But never fear - Derren’s on his way wearing thigh-high leather boots with Cuban heels, his receding hair shining in the dying afternoon light... He leans forward and carresses my flange with the intesity with which an otter devours a trout... 8.00 What Not to Wear Tranny and Carthorse lead us through the world of fashion, which involves grabbing random tits at will and lubing themselves down so they can writhe more freely in their Prada handbag collections. It’s weird how some women with lesbian traits just don’t turn you on. 11.35 Play Dirty “Lie down, take off your knickers, and start to...”
7.00 The News.
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7.30 Body Hits If someone where to hit me anywhere in the body, I’d like it to be on my arse. For a start, it wouldn’t hurt that much, and secondly, I might quite enjoy it. Not a whip though, just a little bit of spanking on the cheeks. Yes, oh yes, boy. 8.00 Trauma I’m talking about the finer points of sticky biscuit. Which is more humiliating wanking over a Rich Tea, or eating it? Discuss. 8.30 Liquid Assets Said Rich Tea of Michael Douglas’ youth is examined. It’s found to be worth a total of four pence. 10.55 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves Oh, Chris Crudelli, you squat god of martial arts, you can squat on me any time... It’s so sad that TV has decended to this level. Give us the listings back, oh anonymous provider! All is forgiven!
Pingu BBC28:45am
6.25 The Adventures of Marco and Gina Marco Big Brother and Gina G wreak havoc in a nunnery. “Ooh, ducks, what d’you reckon they use this for?” “I dunno, but that’d make your eyes water... I’m wearing a thong, you know...” 10.30 FILM: Guns of Hate TV’s own Willy and Johnny confront the Ed with their smoking pistols. “Watch out,” says John, “I’m the fastest gun in the West.” It’s all gone a bit soft porn. 6.00 Malcolm in the Middle I really miss TV Andy. Me and TV John are now the most senior members of TV and are grappling with the responsiblity. E.g. John is copying out things into a notebook for no reason, and I am picking my nose. 9.00 Mediums: Talking to the Dead It’s a bit like that in here tonight. I was all ready for a big ‘Hello, we are TV Desk and this is what we do - we use flange as much as possible, and make everything into an innuendo even when it doesn’t work.” But instead we’re like “yeah, the listings have fucked up so instead we’re going to be really lame when you could in fact just go and buy a listings magazine. That might make more sense than our delusional rambings into the underworld of TV... 11.20 Toutatis Asteroid Rik Waller guests. Actually, this is an informative programme aobut outer space, with Adam HartDavies. I’ll set the video then. I think I’ve got a crush on AH-D. There’s something about that grey hair, that nasal voice...
7.45 Ask a Silly Question “Where are our listings?” 9.00 Pimps and their Dawgs Russell Crowe presents this new programme in which various celebrities give their tips on pimping. Tonight: Philip Schofield on how he got Fern to succumb. 10.15 How to Catch Syphilis First, you need a sailor who’s game. Isn’t that all of them? Newsflash: just remembered that I had a dream in which i had lesbian sex with Kim Cattrall. Must be those bloody tea adverts she’s doing corroding my brain. 11.00 FILM: The Flange from Uranus Sci-fi thriller. When William B. Dubin discovers that his next-door neighbour is a nudist, his interest is piqued. But when strange things start happening to his anus whenever she appears, the trouble begins. ***
Countdown Channel4 3:15pm
10.30 This Morning Fern and Phil caper about in the pretence of actually presenting. Is there anyone in the world who dislikes them? They are definitely the surrogate parents for our generation. Mind you, I’m not sure that I approve of that pairing aesthetically. You’d have massive gazongas and grey hair. Nice. 3.45 Mucha Lucha! Much-a what? No, I’m as much in the dark as you are. Never mind, it may include nudity, Possibly. In fact, mucha lucha definitely sounds like a euphemism to me. Yeah, actually I think I’ve used it in some of my work before. 8.00 The Celebrity Awards And the nominees are: Trisha for her god-like status, Andrew Lloyd-Webber for his fish face, David Hasselhoff for his attempted comeback, Jeremy Beadle for his lack of digits and finally Abi Titmuss for her devouring minge. 11.00 Play it to the Bone FNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRR! The bone! The bone! Play it to the bone! Rah! At last, a legitimate innuendo! It’s a bit like playing the pink oboe, but more...painful. 3.55 Get Stuffed! And continuing on this theme, this programme examines how much penetration one lady can take. I’d guess in at 647 puners. Do you think? That’s my record anyway,
8.00 The Beauty School I give out tips on how to make the most of yourself. One: use headlice shampoo. Two: shave your toes. Three: use a toothpick, and on special occassions, give it to your friends to examine. Four: dye your pubes blue. A tiffany box! 11.00 Mile High What’s the appeal in shagging in aeroplane toilets? They stink and there’s no room for manoevre at all, even if one of you sits on the toilet, which is not recommended as you’ll probably get hepatitis. Frankly, for risque fucking, I recommend disabled toilets. You can definitely get your leg over in there. 1.00 FILM: Up the Bum in Nagasaki Does what it says on the tin.
Killer Bee Attack five8:00pm
9.15 My Eden With special cameos from: Ed Norton, Derren Brown, Minty from Eastenders, Jerry Springer, Ian Hislop, Brad Pitt, Vic Reeves, James Gooding and Jake Gyllenhaal vie for my attention in leopard-print thongs, chocolate body paint and feather head-dresses. How many cocks can a girl take? 2.15 A Place By The Sun Is very hot. Oh dear god, you poor reader! The Taf’s open, hell, you could even venture into town! This is getting silly now We’ve resorted to telling each other jokes. Gulp. 5.55 Party Political Broadcast And no, I’m not talking about blowjobs when I say ‘gulp’. 7.25 Darllediad Cynadleddol Which literally means ’I’m just boning a sheep in the eye, but I’ll be in for my rarebit in a tick love.’ Maybe. I wonder if I’ll win an award in the Media Awards this year. For best non-enforcment of stereotypes, of course. Obviously, I’m very apologetic if I haven’t managed to offend anyone. 8.00 Pobol y Cwm Hwyel finds a pube in his sheeps’ eye broth. he complains to Gwen the farmer’s wife, who puches him in the crotch and spits in his face. Cos Welsh women are like that, bra. 1.35 Mammo A lady with 40KK chesticles shows us her wares. The saggy old tyres that they are. She should have gone to Quik-Fit for a good pump up.
9.10 Softies Hugh Hefner. Michael Parkinson. David Attenborough. And Leslie Grantham - I wish. Put that dirty finger away! 9.15 Franny’s Feet “Is the correct term for a foot fetish ‘indiatimes’?” asks my esteemed collegue. “No, I think you’ll find that that’s India times with a space missed out. I think the correct term is paedophile...”
3.40 FILM: Lethal Vows TV John and I swear to keep TV Desk in check. But instead, TV Willy is wantonly devouring porn like he dies tomorrow, and TV Katie is hidden away on the other side of the room. Don’t dispute our authoritah! Move over Willy, I wanna see some flange...
1.35 Brainteaser The woman on this is such a moose. She wears really low-cut tops to distract the players with her tremendous funbags, and the questions are really hard. The editor of heat went on this and failed. The editor of heat! This must be hard! There’s also a man on this who’s like Mark Speight, who I fancy, though noy in his Scratchy and Co days, when he had yellow Mr Whippy hair. 10.00 The Farm Dirty, dirty Debbie McGee and her slimy-fingered husband attempt to reinvent their careers, I still wonder about those two. Like, what gets me is that I’m starting to believe that she actually likes his bald head writhing around and performing assorted sex acts on her body. I actually feel quite ill now. Cheers Paul.
10.00 Can you Pull... Mark Owen? Oh yes, fuck me I can. He’s shorter than me for a start, so I’ve definitely got one up. Hello, I could spit in his hair from my height! I’m a gargantuan lady, oh yes.
10.20 Health and Social Care Learn how to dress a pus-weeping wound, file down that niggling dead skin on your foot and how to have a brilliant wank. First, you’ll need a fly with no wings.
11.05 Green Wing Makes a change from brown ones.
3.15 Countdown The conundrum today is CLESETITS. Testicles, bollocks, knackers, knoblets, bagpipes, whatever. Sorry for giving it away.
12.15 Hollyoaks Brenda gets a didlo rammed up her fat ass while kinky Sue and Pete tie each other to young saplings. Jesus H Christ, are you still reading? 1.70 Powerplay In TV We fight it out for supremacy in the office, praying that this retarded day will end. Please, please, please, let me get what I want... Lord knows, it’ll be the first time.
10.00 Nip/Tuck Crap American bollocks about nothing significant. Ah well, you can’t have it all. I really hate The OC as well. It just seems so futile and irrelevant. Much like my ramblings, really. 1.05 Fucking Your Mother TV John teaches us some of the good stuff. Haha, another day done! Let’s get the pints in!
Thursday
September 27 - October 3rd 2004
Page 29
slowpainfuldeath@wishlist.net
Fat Nation BBC3 9pm
Ladies and Gentlemen, despite the legal can of worms, here I present to you lyrics to some of my favourite Belle and Sebastian songs: Step Into My Office Baby She called me up today Meet me down at the old café I jumped into the shower I was getting my marching orders
She gave me some dictation But my strength is in administration I took down all she said I even took down her little red dress
whole new feeling Now she says she wants to call a meeting
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing Yeah she's losing it
I’ve got to change my ways Dress for business every day A smart suit and a kipper tie A big arrow pointing to my fly
Lisa met Chelsea at the knocking school Chelsea didn't feel like following the rules So they left the place for another school Where the boys go with boys and the girls with girls
We need to talk Step into my office, baby I want to give you the job A chance of better pay Can you start today? My output is in decline I was burned out after Thatcher My banner I laid down with a sigh Now I doubt if I’ll ever catch her
She's Losing It
We need to talk Step into my office, baby I’m going to give you the job I’m pushing for a raise I’ve been pushing now for days
Lisa knows a girl who's been abused It changed her philosophy in '82 She's always looking for a fight She keeps the neighbours up all night
I’m a slave to work I’m only living when I walk amongst the office staff And catch up with the office wag I’ll be in bed by nine My curtains drawn My thoughts composed I get to work on time
I go to her when I'm feeling slack The girl's using me as a punching bag I think that I could help her out But the girl's got a lot to be mad about
She’d never stand for any lies She’s got an Out Tray full of guys I could sense a breath, a
9.00 Fat Nation on Three Vanessa Feltz leads the residents of Chichester in a new scheme to get as fat as possible in the quickest possible way. The kebab challenge featuring seventeen different flavours of ascetate. 10.00 Eastenders A special appearance from Anika Rice prompts an impromtu celebration from the residents of Walford. Particularly touching is the pairing of Alfie Moon and the Treasure Hunt star in a rendition of East End favourite ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round Grandma Moon’. 10.30 For Better Or For Worse Jason Donovan once sang, “Too many broken hearts in the world, too many dreams have been broken in two”. And not since the first screening of Kenzo Nakominos acclaimed debut, ‘Up the bum in Nagasaki’, wowed crowds at the Bromsgrove film festival,has more sense been made in this muddled up little world of ours.
Brainiac Sky One 8pm
And in the first moment of her waking up She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up
12.15 Jerry Springer Disaffected Shakespearean actors including Ian McKellen, Micheal Gambon and fresh from his recent Oscar nominated role in ‘Up The Bum in Nagasaki’, Kenneth Brannagh, discuss the harsh reality of having to make a living upping the credibility of naff Hollywood franchises. David Soul plays Jerry Springer as a particularaly heated debate between uber-producer Jerry Bruckheimer and the ghost of Laurence Olivier leads to Jerry’s heavies having to dish-out to the punishment to the enraged thespians. 1.0 The David Letterman Show Beamed in near-live from his studio in Wisconsin, Dave shares anecdotes about the fallibilty of Britain’s TV listings servers before bantering with a slect group of celebrities. On todays show, Joe Pasquale, Abi Titmuss, Alan Bennett and Maureen Lipman. Music is provided by hot act from this side of the Atlantic, Ocean Colour Scene.
Chelsea was the girl who's been abused It changed her philosophy in '82 She says, "Inch for inch and pound for pound" Who needs boys when there's Lisa round?" And in the first moment of her waking up She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it She goes to the mirror to put on her stuff She knows she's losing it, oh yeah she's losing it When she doesn't speak to anyone till four 0' clock She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it Oh yeah she's losing it I Fought In A War I fought in a war and I left my friends behind me To go looking for the enemy, and it wasn't very long Before I would stand with another boy in front of me And a corpse that just fell into me, with the bullets flying round And I reminded myself of
8.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse Abi Titmuss (not the brainiac referred to in the title) presents an expose on the shocking world of Anal Thermometer manufacture. 9.00 TV Andy Come Home “Look Andy, look what has happened since you left. The skin is falling of our shrivelled fingers. Let us go home!” an emotional plea by GR staffers on the return of the man once simply referred to as ‘Beardy’. 10.00 The Orangina Sponsored Andy Cole Theme Hour Fulham’s newest striker uses the energy supplied to him by sponsors Orangina as he enlists the help of a local scout group to construct the next Thames crossing by hand. As a native cockney Andy also takes to participating in a traditional jellied eel eating contest (note the second time TV has used this poor poor gag tonight, but it’s 1am and we all want to die a slow painful death at the hands of our bearded captors).
Cruel Intentions five12.35am
the words you said when we were getting on And I bet you're making shells back home for a steady boy to wear Round his neck, well it won't hurt to think of you as if you're waiting for This letter to arrive because I'll be here quite a while I fought in a war and I left my friends behind me To go looking for the enemy, and it wasn't very long Before I found out that the sickness there ahead of me Went beyond the bedsit infamy of the decade gone before And I reminded myself of the words you said when we were getting on And I bet you're making shells back home for a steady man to wear Round his neck, well it won't hurt to think of you as if you're waiting for This letter to arrive because I'll be here quite a while I fought in a war, and I didn't know where it would end It stretched before me infinitely, I couldn't really think Of the day beyond now, keep your head down pal There's trouble plenty in this hour, this day I can see hope I can see light And I reminded myself of the looks you gave when we were getting on And I bet you're making shells back home for a steady man to wear Round his neck, well it won't hurt to think of you as if you're waiting for This letter to arrive because I'll
be here quite a while
9.00 Cruel Intentions Sarah Jessica Michelle Gellar ‘acts’ in this Ealing farce about a young girl with one thought on her mind, FROTTAGE! despite the attempts of other just-recogniseable American teen-TV stars to thwart her plans for world domination-frottage style SJMG is victorious much to the pleasure of her actor-boyfriend Freddie Shawn Jason Scott Jnr.
10.20 Health and Social Care OR: The way to be unhealthy, unsociable, and generally just un. then try spending eleven hours of your own precious time. Or at least your own time toiling over a tatty, incoherent TV page that no-one with a stable mind-set will read anyway.
11.45 Bo Selecta Proper legend Avid merrion returns to haunt our screens with some hilarious celebrity centred sketches featuring a puppet bear with an erection. 13.00 Another Fictional Piece of Programming Fucking idiot Will Dean loses any sense of making these pages readable and thus begins to retread the trusty “lets invent some programmes” gag. Still realising he has about three more lines to fill he proceeds to spell antidisestablishmentarianism. How do you like that then?
It Could Have Been A Brilliant Career
CALL 029 20709922
He had a stroke at the age of 24 It could have been a brilliant career Painting lines in a school that was too well known Painting lines with a friend that had gone before She challenged everyone to a fight But the prefects all backed down And they ran her out of town Cause she drank and swore and spoke Out of turn, she was the village joke She had a stroke at the age of 24 It could have been a brilliant career Getting clients to finance her strategies Filling time in on Safeways on Saturday She wears the clothes of an emperor But her paintings are a sham And they're going for a grand When the dealers come to view Do they ever see the real you? He had a stroke at the age of 24 It could have been a brilliant career Selling lies to the boys with the old Dansettes Pulling the wool, playing the fool, it's no wonder that He is dribbling spit tonight And the one he sent away Was the only one who stayed
7.55 4 Pieces In Me Celebrity and acclaimed gangbanger Annabel Chong invites viewers to her latest project, the simultaneous insertion of four huge dripping cotton buds into her pert ear-drum. Viewers may find some scenes offensive. 11.10 Make Me A Perfect Wife 1) An unhealthy interest in the Sky Sports News headline ticker 2) A fondness for rubbing other girls with Boots brand lotion. 3) A lot of patience. 4) Patience as in the virtue rather than a lot of copies of the Guns ‘n’ Roses song. Or people who sleep in hospitals.
Your Union
We need to talk Step into my office, baby I want to give you the job A chance of overtime Say, my place at nine?
David Letterman ITV2 1am
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Friday
Page 30
September 27th - October 3rd 2004
scowls@midnight.com
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This Morning ITV1 10:30am
9.15 To Buy or Not to Buy TV John helps us to decide whether it’s best to fuck your mum, or sell her.
Solus: 9pm – 2am £3adv. £3.50 on the door BONDAGE NIGHT Med Bar: 7pm – 12am Pimps and Prostitutes theme
Your Union
SPORTS FAYRE Great Hall: 10am – 4pm
12.30 Eggheads featuring several of my male friends. Balding already? You’ve got too much testostorone, love. You can come and bone me, I’m always bored and ready. Just bring some lube - got a bit of a dry vadge, ducks. 3.25 Nicole’s Furry Friends Nicole Kidman introduces them to her bush. No, you dirty cocks, the outback. Tush. Bet you would’nt talk like that if Cruisey were around, would you? 4.35 Talking it Up the Back Alley How to take shortcuts - safely. 5.25 Neighbours Lou reaches boiling point and swathes Valda in his flabby old arms. “Oh, my little vadge, how much I want to wallow in your oodles of flesh and mount you like a stallion full of jizz”. “What was that? Oh, sorry love, my flab was in me ears. What did you say?”
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Johnathan Ross BBC1 10:35pm
6.50 My Barmy Aunt Boomerang She looks like Lorraine Kelly but she’s got a throw like Paul Hogan. Watch out! 10.30 Schools: What? Where? When? Why? 1) A place you learn in. 2) Wherever, fool. 3) 9 - 3.15. Earlier if you’re teacher’s a dickhead. 4) Because parents don’t want their children running under their feet all day. And why should they? 12.20 Trade Secrets We always keep our bushes trimmed and never let undergrowth get in the way of the focal point. It’s all about gardening today, of course! 3.30 Animal Park With the hideous Ben Fogle, that bigchinned twat who’s knobbing that blonde-haired twat off Big Brother. I wonder if anyone watches this programme so that they can take (bestial) delight in the animals? Nice.
The Osbournes C410.35pm
12.30 News and Weather Predictions for today: someone will have won some money somewhere, someone will have died, someone will have conjunctivitis and a cat will be stuck up a tree. The weather will be patchy, with rain and sunny spells. OK? 1.00 Loose Women Abi Titmuss, Jennifer Ellison and Dale Winton are guesting today, and show us mere mortals the best ways to trap a mate. I suggest: string, honey and Marmite. 5.00 Sixty Minute Makeover Oh, now, hold your horses. I love a bit of paint action, and here you have it for sixty minutes! OK, well that’s not quite true, because they edit it down to the boring bits with the people going, “Yeah, that’s really nice” even though they hate it. Well, I don’t care about them, but I love a bit of bone fide painting action - see those tight little bums wriggle up and down as they have a bit of a roller moment! Ooh, suits you!
8.30 All About Me This drivel. Really, TV Desk can only apologise so much. We are so sorry, but what can we do?
6.45 My Wife and Kids GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8.30 Little Angels Britney tries to prove she’s a virgin again. Well fuck you, bitch, no one’s turned on by resewed hymens, OK?
7.00 The Orange Playlist Including Jennifer Ellison, Victoira Beckham and Jason Orange. See what I did there, see? Woo!
7.00 Ultimate Sci-Fi Top 10 My favourite slash fiction basis, Stargate SG-1, is reviewed. And then they talk bollocks. About Star Trek. Avoid!
9.00 Grease Monkeys A slimy mandrill tries to take over the eponymous Neighbours chain. Well be careful there, as we all know that Harold tried and failed. And then Lou got into debt. And so it goes on.
8.00 Emmerdale Secrets No. 1: it’s not real. No. 2: Patsy Kensit can’t act. No. 3: I hate it. Although, if you have been a frequent reader, then you would know that already.
9.00 Euromillions Live Draw Who will be the lucky contestant to win fifty pence? Me? No, fool, I would’nt waste my money that way. I’d prefer to spend it on a nice Chupa Chups, or something.
10.30 Outlaws Apparantly very funny, according to heat. Which I trust above all other idols, especially in this time of need, with all the technical probloems we’ve been having. We do try our best, we really do. TV Willy’s just started his final page. It’s a day later than when we started, Let us go home, please. ARGH! 11.00 Storm of the Century The one that’s brewing here. Aah, god of listings, please come and help, I’ve gone mad, lost in this self-indulgent dross...
9.00 FILM: Can I Put My Floppy in Your Disk Drive? Not unless you know the password. (It’s ‘princess’). 11.30 Coronation Street Babs gets ger tits out. Oh, sorry, wrong show. OK, there’s an explosion. Oh, sorry, wrong show again. Betty makes a hotpot. Corr-ect! 2.05 Teleshopping Lucille shows us how to make the best use of her three-way frying pan. Show us, Luc, show us!
8.30 A Touch of Frost David Jason isn’t in his prime anymore. Since Duckula and Dangermouse, I’m not certain I can fully relish his role as ‘investigator’ or whatever this shit is about.
Cruel Intentions E4 9pm
8.45 Postmodern Pastimes A woman goes hedgehog-watching with her mate, Sal. “Yeah, right, it’s like I feel like, right, like these hedgehogs have some kind of semblance to the verisimilitude of reality that we’re trying to prevent leaking into parody... It’s like, right, their spiky bits are like the reality, and their soft little tummies, right, are the parody...” Yeah, whatever love, pass me the crack pipe.
8.35 Rolie Polie Olie Not only do we not get proper TV listings, but when we do, they don’t even spell my name right! Hurumph!
6.30 Rownd a Rownd Beth finds a nasty surprise on her doormat, but then again she didn’t know that Gethin had such a strong faecal obsession. Ruth is perplexed at the gift of dead artichokes, but being a veggie she wolfs them all down and uses the stalks as a tiny little dildos, the size of Joe Pasquale’s.
7.30 Richard Blackwood - Will Smith or Kill Filth? This new seven-part series examines just how and why Richard Blackwood became the hateable cock-sucker he is.
11.00 The Osbournes Kelly gets upset when she realises that genital warts are a re-occuring syndrome, Jack gets intimate with the pet goldfish and Ozzy loses his ability to say even monsyllabic words. Ozzy, we love you.
10.00 The Farm Debbie and Paul get friendly with a lamb (no - it’s not even near the age of consent!), Rebecca shags a pig senseless and tries to escape to sell her ‘story’ while it’s ‘hot’, and and Vanilla Ice shags a dog. Oh, sorry, I meant Madonna.
2.30 Porno Valley I am questioned about the pros and cons of frottage. Cons? There are none! You don’t get pregnant, STDs or come-bucket vadge, but you do get to do it in public, not need foreplay (I mean, it is foreplay, right?) and it’s almost instant gratification. Right? RIGHT?
11.05 Sex Films for Girls Examining whether or not porn has become a more femaledominated field. Do women enjoy porn as much as men? Do they hell - they love it far, far more! Ooh, give me that Cream Pie 7 - Back in the Butt - there’s a scene I need to review...
7.00 The Next Joe Millionaire Hints: don’t call him Joe, or say that he’s a millionaire.
6.05 Animal Alphabet M is for mollusc, though they’re normally called something like Clive.
9.00 Cruel Intentions Mean things happen, and they make a film about it. Gah, I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Have you? Is it good? Oh.
8.20 Everybody Loves Raymond Well, except me, because I don’t know who he is. Not that I wouldn’t, you undertsand. Oh, knowing them doesn’t make a difference.
10.50 Lethal Attraction A cheapskate’s Fatal Attraction, starring Schmeical Dougle and Gwen Spose.
11.45 Wimbledon: T4 Movie Special Is this good too? Really? Yeah, yeah. Ooh, but Paul Bettany, yes, I’d grab balls from him. Or whatever shitty innuendo you want.
12.50 Gamezville Some men look at things to fiddle with when their knobs/girlfriends are sore.
12.45 Layer Cake: Some shitty preview or whatever that some film company have paid megabucks for
1.50 The Sharon Osbourne Show The Lady of Lethal Rock talks bollocks.
1.70 FILM: Up the Bum in Nagasaki Repeat.
10.30 Sunset Beach Yay! Tits! Bad acting! Eternal sunshine! Stupid plots! Hey, have they nicked that form from Hollyoaks? Never mind, it’s as enjoyable as ever. 6.00 Home and Away Oh, I just love Aussie dram-os.
8.00 How to be a Property Developer First, you need to buy a house. I’d guess, anyway.
11.10 The First World War C4 finally gets in on the act of televising events. Unfortunately, not current ones. 5.00 Richard and Judy The pair swap tips on bras. 6.30 Hollyoaks Some blonde tit wallows in self-pity and/or makes salacious remarks.
9.00 Will and Grace More enforcement of seemingly redundant stereotypes. Madonna sashays in for no apparant reason.
gair rhydd A new year and a new editorial team. Only one thing is missing - new & enthusiastic writers How do you fancy having 25,000 people hanging on your every word each Monday? Do you have strong opinions you want to get across? Perhaps you have a burning desire to inform people? Or maybe you just enjoy writing and want to have fun? Whatever your reasons, if you’re keen on getting involved, gair rhydd is keen to get you involved. We’re always looking for new talent. For more information email ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk AVAILABLE SECTIONS: News, sport, editorial & opinion, politics, health, jobs and money, media, photography, sub-editors, design, interviews, investigations, features, travel, fashion, gay, music, digital, film, arts, books, cult classics, food, going out, blind date, cartoonists, columnists, proofreaders gair rhydd and Quench really do contain something for everybody. You don’t have to be planning on a journalistic career; all you need is a bit of enthusiasm and the desire to contribute to an award-winning publication, both in print and behind the scenes.
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Gair Rhydd Problem Page
September 27 2004
The Phil Collins Photo Casebook WEEK TWO
Page 35
Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - If you don’t like it, don’t read it..
Vegetable fights aren’t too fragrant Dear Matt, We’ve just moved into a house after our first year. There are seven of us, and the seventh has come from outside our halls, where we were once six. On route to rescue Phil from the clutches of the Lostprophets, John Snow eats a Rich Tea Biscuit and a cup of tea.
Three of us – including the new guy – have been back since the beginning of September, and we are getting increasingly worried that the new guy is up to something dodgy as his room smells of rotting vegetables and meat. It’s pretty minging because one of us is next door to him. He plays his music all hours, and obviously isn’t very considerate to us. What can we do? He has a funny shaped head too. Are we harbouring a murderer? Thanks, 6 unsettled 2nd years
John Snow decides that the best policy may well be to crash land the Apache on top of the signal he recieved from Phil’s phone. He jumps!
The Apache lands on the secret base, stunning Ian Watkins and freeing Philip from his shackles. John lands safely in a lake, and has a cigarette.
Phil does one, at utmost speed. His captors are lying bloody and broken, and Phil navigates the tunnels to find the exit, cunningly marked “EXIT”.
Continues next time...
Let’s hope so. Need some pissing drama in these parts don’t we chaps? About the most fun I currently get is getting angry with people at pelican crossings and listening to Abba. Now, if the WAIT sign is white (you know, the one with the little fella that says walk and gets all fresh and green), why does the next person still insist on HAMMERING THE BUTTON EVEN THOUGH IT’S ALREADY BEEN DEPRESSED? The fucking light is already on you demented bastard. Desist child, the traffic isn’t going to slow down the quicker you prod. I promise. It is SO infuriating. Evidently, I must look button-incompetent, or perhaps we just trust no-one and it highlights the downward spiral of society’s moral fabric. Where were we? Rotting veg eh. Well, surely there is only one explanation. Your housemate is making veg-men out of them and making them fight. On the desk. They rot because of battle injuries. He attaches kebab skewers to their sides
and makes eyes with peanuts, and then he makes them fight. Under a big table lamp, and he plays the Top Gun soundtrack over it and videos it and sells it on Ebay because I’ve heard there’s a market for anti-Vegan propaganda. He ties the meat to the frame of the lamp and it subsequently referees and/or finishes off the vegetables when a ferocious blow to the root incapacitates them. Clearly in such times of mortal danger, you may be forced to send an elite squad of Granny Smiths to rescue them, Iranian Embassy style. They could even throw chillies in the meat’s face and things like that. Failing this entirely rational explanation, he’s probably just too lazy to empty his bin. I’d get some air freshener and make a bomb out of it. Ironic then, you see. Almost. It could be construed that way. Saying construed makes me sound a bit dynamic. DYNAMIC. Matt
Sluggy-Slug-Slug Dr. Matthew. I seek your god-like guidance and inexhaustible wisdom for a problem that has been consuming (literally) my household since we moved in to our new house early September. I hope you will oblige me with a solution. Our affliction is as follows: Every morning upon entering our lovely new kitchen, we find at least 5 slimy invertebrates (I prefer not to name the offending organism, for every time I do, I fall over) invading our kitchen, and more specifically cupboards, henceforth sabotaging the décor (and my vegetables) and leaving an distasteful trail of slime globules. It seems that no matter how many we capture, the difference made to their population is minimal; their numbers are many! A plethora more are found le jour prochaine. I fear we may be dealing with a
hive, if so, what can we do? All the pest control MEN we have contacted are ill prepared to deal with such a phenomenon, claiming that hives of slugs don’t exist. The insolence! Failing this, the only other hypothesis that has presented itself is rather incredulous: it could be that a member of my household is giving birth to these bastards in a dastardly attempt at world domination via his slippery minions (I havnt the courage to confront any of them about it, for fear of discovering them to be infact the evil slug *thump* king from a distant planet). In such a case, the problem is no less resolved. Our fate lies in your capable hands, Doctor! Do not let us down! Yours with anticipation, Second year Philologist. Don’t use French to disguise how you’ve spent an hour constructing this letter to condescent your good Doctor. I’m not too keen on contrived alliteration either - “offending organism?” - shut your fucking fat
face. Having said that, the idea of an interplanetary slug doing battle with your kitchen utensils is one that makes me get all pumped. I mean I could detail how it made me want to buy seventeen pots of salt and be a bit of a mercenary, but for the minute I’ll just stick to padding out this box with useless information and a spattering of fresh basil. I grew some of that once, it was alright. The hive can probably be thwarted by such derring-do as “A NEW DOORFRAME” or “SALT”. Clearly, young philologist, you do not have a housemate that spawns slugs. I mean that’s just silly. Surely if you were to spawn *something* then it would be a fairy, because you could metro yourself up with a fairy hanging about and you’d get a girlfriend and stop using words like “incredulous”. GAYER. I rang a pest control place once and asked them to shoot an owl. Owls are rubbish. Perhaps you should get some superwhatto-slug-zappo-fuck.
A-Few-Words-About-ThingsThat-Sometimes-Happen. Celery: Delightful. Artichokes: Rubbish. Food! Great. Unless, well, unless you’re a fatty. Can we discuss Vanessa Feltz? Un-pissing-believable. Did we want to see the violent manner in which a breast augmentation is carried out? Well sort of. Did we want to see a young Korean girl with her face hanging off and a chisel lodged in her cheek? NO. but you showed it Vanessa, didn’t you? YOU and your depraved little obsession with bums and fannies. You showed the British public that the apocalypse might well be sitting on a community centre roof wielding a butter knife, and in fact it might be a good thing if it did then jump down and blow everything up. For all our happy claims of dominance and how hard we are, if it becomes SO ingrained that you can waffle a knife in your fadge and have a better life then I’d sooner see my kids burning in a nuclear holocaust than grown up in that kind of warped security. I deeply offended myself by watching this, but I think it was more fascination that people would rather put their bellies in the bin than buy themselves a SKIPPING ROPE. You fatties. All we have to say there. How is everyone? Rubbish this week innit. Raining pots and pans outside. Phil’s having fun mind. Can’t go wrong with that face of his. Other than if you let Vanessa Feltz near it, the fat bastard. Remember to email Dr. Matthew if you’re feeling frisky.
Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Want Lyn Scully dead? so do I. No number required. Not pregnant with Karl’s baby? - 0800-FILTHYWHORE Where did all the terrorists go? 0800-PUTIN Moving house without a van? 0800-RENTACAR Party? Party. Party party party party? 0800-PARTY
Matt
Problems happen to everyone at most points. You cannot escape the inevitable nature of The Problem. You just can’t. This page only deals with problems that aren’t really problems at all. Because when people get bored of having everything, they make problems up to give themselves something to do. THAT isn’t even what this page deals with. This page deals with me being a shitcake, and you taking the piss out of a) your flat mates, b) your housemates, c) the opposite sex or d) the banality of sex. Real problems shouldn’t be laughed at – we know this – we’re cool like that (although if you can’t laugh at the world then you’re a pleb really), and real problems should be dealt with. So what you do is you call Nightline, where you’ll get a proper response, without pretensions or metaphors or violence, and you’ll get honest, decent advice and a friendly listening ear. And no, I don’t make them up. That’s what the email address is for.
Nightline : 029 2022 3993.
“
I’ll be so nervous. I won’t know what to wear!
”
Dr. Shelley Newman’s reaction to being invited to a Team GB reception with the Queen, Sept 2004
Ryders on the storm
page 39
Issue 768, 27 Spetember 2004 Sport Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs Email: grsport@hotmail.com
Olympic Retrospective
Back Page
Cardiff Olympian looks back - p 38
Sporting Letters - Below
46.28 SECONDS OF TORTURE
The view from Michael Benjamin’s seat as son Tim powers round the back bend. Photo: Mike Benjamin
STILL STANDING: Tim will now aim for Beijing 2008
Cardiff Professor Michael Benjamin talks to gair rhydd about his role as the father of a British Olympian ByThom Airs Sports Editor WATCHING BRITISH sports people compete is never the most calming of activities, yet no matter how much you perspire during a Tim Henman rally, or how tightly your toes curl as Colin Montgomerie readies himself for a putt, having a vested interest in an athlete’s performance must rate as one of the most tense sporting experiences in the world. The recent Olympic Games in Athens tested the nerves and heart rates of many armchair fans but Professor Michael Benjamin of Cardiff’s Biosciences Department had the pleasure and pressure of watching from the stands as his son Tim competed in the 400 metres and 400 metres relay.
Sport Letters Dear Sports Desk, When turning to the back pages of Gair Rhydd I often have to make sure that I’ve picked up the correct student paper. I find myself wondering why, in the Welsh capital, there is a clear English bias in many of the articles. I know that a lot of students here are English but a 1/3 of undergraduates are from this beautiful principality and your sports content should reflect this fact. I don’t know the sports editors (this year’s or last) but I would imagine them to be English football fans. The Euro 2004 pieces (preview and review) were Anglocentric in the extreme – designed to gloat about the lack of Welsh representation at the championship. I doubt very much that East-of-theSevern universities have student publications that even mention Welsh sport so why should this Welsh newspaper give any space to an English football team that is already swimming in hyperbole?
competitor. We had to fund our trip to Athens ourselves." Tim’s own journey to the Greek capital was blighted by bad fortune as his father recalls, "At Christmas, Tim had knee surgery so if you had told him back in January that he’d get to the Olympics he would have been absolutely delighted." In the pre-Games training camp in Cyprus, further setbacks occurred, "Unfortunately he got injured – a hamstring injury – which meant he couldn’t train for the week before the games." Despite this string of bad luck Tim made it to the starting line, albeit with knowledge that his injury could come back at any time, "Knowing that Tim was getting on the starting blocks, in that heat and with the injury, meant watching was very difficult. He rang me and joked that I might need to ‘do a Derek Redmond’ where his dad
rushed on and helped him over the finishing line." The 22 year-old did manage to compete in the individual 400 metres heats and qualified for the semi-finals as a fastest loser, but misfortune struck again after his 8th placed finish in the semis. To the anguish of his watching family Tim developed a lung infection shortly after the race. His father could only watch and hope as Tim struggled to be fit for the 400 metres relay event, "Thankfully he recovered and ran to the best of his potential in the relay but unfortunately the British team missed out on a medal by just one metre." Heartache for Team GB and the British supporters at home and in Athens, but Michael is confident that Tim will be back for more in Beijing, "He has a four year plan for the next Olympics. This time around was all about soaking up as much experience as he could."
"They call the 400 the ‘man killer,’" says Michael as he recounts his Olympic experiences, "You need a rare combination of speed and endurance." The lecturer, who hails from Cardiff, is not only the proud father of a top athlete, his job as Professor of Musculoskeletal Biology and Sports Medicine Research means that Michael knows just how tough his son’s event really is. But is it as painful as watching helplessly from the stands? "I was petrified for most of the time," he admits, "I’m only very occasionally excited [when watching Tim]. If you know for sure that he’s going to win then it’s exciting and you can also bask in the reflective glory after the event, but 98% of the time I’m just completely petrified!" Life as a parent of a top athlete can be a testing one, but Benjamin says he gets to soak up more of the atmosphere
than his son does, "There were special days when families could visit the Olympic village but Tim was focussed on his event and had to keep to a strict regime. We got to experience the general feel of the Olympics more than him." It was the first time that the family, including Tim, had been to an Olympic Games and Michael was very impressed with the set-up, "The whole experience far exceeded my expectations. The Greeks should feel very proud of what they put on – it was a huge success." Being able to watch your offspring compete in major athletics events is not as easy as it may seem. Tim’s family and girlfriend, Cardiff postgraduate student Natalie Lewis, had to make their own way to Greece and buy full price tickets, "There’s no financial help or advantages of being related to a
Cardiff may feel like a suburb of Bristol in term-time but it is home to a number of proud Welsh sports fans like myself and I want your output to reflect that. This is not a rant from an embittered taff, it’s a request for more balanced coverage within these pages. Before you look to the English football team for stories, try reminding yourself of your current postcode. Name witheld
The original letters page has been awash with sports-related rants and raves of late, so to kick-off the new year with a bang (and to placate our friends on the ‘proper’ letters desk) we’ve found a new home for said correspondences and been given a free reign to have our say. If you have an opinion you want to share then vent your sporting spleen in an email addressed to grsport@hotmail..com.
Dear Anon, Our coverage of England’s participation, in our view, had relevance as it was given from a student perspective. As a general rule we try to focus on university sport rather than national events but, during the summer, university sport is at a minimum. We are certainly trying to reflect the student population and their sporting activities and will continue to do so. Dear Sports desk, I write as a disgruntled IMG footballer, unhappy with the organisation of the
competition and the unsporting behaviour evident throughout the course of last year’s competition. I want to know what the powers that be are going to do to ensure the IMG runs more smoothly this year. Now since I am complaining I thought I’d better suggest a few possible improvements. Why doesn’t whoever’s in charge allocate matches to specific pitches at Pontcanna so that we don’t have to hunt around for the opposing team every Wednesday afternoon? It seems to me that it would be easy to implement and would save lots of problems. As for the controversy caused by many who refuse to participate in a sporting manner, would it not be possible to introduce a new system of refereeing? If each team supplied a referee for a
half of a different game then there could be no allegations of bias. These allegations ruined the IMG for many last year. If this information regarding which team must supply a referee for half of a different game was displayed by the AU then everything would be much more straightforward. Furthermore, pitch numbers would mean these referees would know exactly where they should be at exactly what time. It’s not difficult and with these improvements the IMG could be fair and so much more enjoyable for everyone. Why doesn’t the AU take some action? Jamie, 3rd year History Dear Jamie, In our opinion IMG is one of the most
entertaining sporting events running at this university. But what makes it great also makes it volatile. The competitive nature of the Inter Mural Games can often boil over into ugly scenes where passions run high. We cover IMG matches regularly and admit that it’s not run perfectly and your suggestions make interesting reading. We will pass your thoughts on to the AU and report on any changes made to the competition. However, you are clearly talking about IMG football, which may be the biggest sport in the Wednesday afternoon schedule but it is not the only one. From our experience, IMG netball runs very smoothly and rugby is due for an overhaul this season so things aren’t all doom and gloom.
September 27 2004
Olympic Review
Page 38
grsport@hotmail.com
By John Stanton Sports Ed. DR. SHELLEY NEWMAN returned from Athens having failed to achieve her ambitious goal of qualifying for the Olympic discus final. Despite performing well in the warm-up, Newman found the hour long wait between throws difficult but was satisf ied with her own approach: "I have no regrets at all about my tactics. I really went for it and pushed myself to the limit because there’s no point trying to aim for a safe, average throw. But the timetable did mean it was very difficult to maintain a high standard." Part of the Olympic experience for Newman meant a change of routine as her event didn’t start until 11pm, something foreign to a British athlete, "It was quite tough competing late at night, especially seeing as I yawned during the warm up – I thought that might be a bad sign!" The Commonwealth bronze medallist is now contemplating retirement as the strain of combining two careers begins to take its toll, "I think that will probably be my last Olympics because I’m thinking about retiring now. It’s a big decision because it’s a huge part of my life. "I think I could carry on and be challenging to be one of the top throwers in Britain for a few years yet so I’ve given myself until October to make a decision. Part of me thinks I should carry on because
NEWMAN RETURNS
FENCED IN: The cage in which Dr. Shelley Newman competed Photo: S. Newman While the achievements of the I’m fit and it’s taken me so long to to bring an end to her career: "The whole experience was fan- British team were, on the whole, learn to do the event properly – it has literally taken me years to work tastic. It seems to be so much more exceptional, Newman admitted that than any other competition I’ve ever dealing with the disappointment felt out how to do it correctly." While the Commonwealth Games been involved in. When you’re by Paula Radcliffe proved difficult in March 2006 remain a distinct competing it feels the same but for everyone concerned: "The hardest part was seeing her possibility, Newman’s dedication to everything that surrounds it is so after the race and just not knowing her university position means she different." With the Games a resounding what to say to her. Her situation may consider concentrating solely success for Team GB, Newman is meant there was a bit of a lull on her academic work. Newman, coached by husband the proud recipient of an invitation around the camp for a while but Lee, clearly enjoyed the experience to join the Queen for a reception at Kelly Holmes’ success cheered of her first Olympics and the atmos- Buckingham Palace in October, "I’ll everyone up." As for Athens itself, Newman has phere of the big event will be a be so nervous. I won’t know what to nothing but praise for the way the major factor when deciding whether wear!"
people embraced the return of the Games to its spiritual home, "I thought Athens as a host city was really good. I didn’t see anything that didn’t work really well. I think the local people liked it being there, back at the home of the Olympics and they showed that in the way they supported their own athletes." Newman is certain that she will not be competing in the Beijing Olympics in 2008 but we will have to wait until October to find out whether she will target the Commonwealth Games in 2006.
Page 39
Sports Report: The Burning Issue
September 27 2004
grsport@hotmail.com
Where is the love? In the wake of European Ryder Cup glory, Sports Editor John Stanton examines whether there really is cause for celebration and laments the death of sporting passion. TAINTED GLORY? Montgomerie celebrates victory
By John Stanton Sports Editor “SOME PEOPLE THINK football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.” Bill Shankly has for years been pilloried for a comment to which he probably gave very little thought at the time. His is the name often quoted and his the view condemned as misguided in the wake of devastating world events such as the September 11 attacks and other terrorist atrocities. It is these events, argue television commentators, which truly put into perspective the petty squabbles and less striking occurrences of everyday life. To criticise Shankly for his unshakable passion is to question the very lifeblood of sport. It is this passion which, to my horror, I found startlingly lacking during the course of the Ryder Cup in Detroit last week. I am fiercely patriotic and sport is the avenue through which such patriotism usually manifests itself, but not on this occasion. While watching Colin Montgomerie’s deciding putt brought a degree of pride and satisfaction, I fear it was the joy of American defeat rather than the elation of a European victory which was the true source of this small degree of emotion. As demonstrated by the remarkable football match that occurred in
“No Man’s Land” during World War One, sport is considered a unifying force and as such should transcend national boundaries and political differences. Yet, my natural inclination to wish
The Europe tag hung like a noose around the necks of those outstanding home grown golfers. sporting defeat upon the Germans proved irreversible and thus supporting a team captained by Bernhard Langer provided a real problem. While the European team was dominated by Britons – largely Englishmen – the ‘Europe’ tag hung like a noose around the necks of those outstanding home grown golfers, ready to squeeze the joy from an occasion which should have been hailed as one of the most impressive British sporting achievements of the past decade. That such an emphatic victory should be tainted by a refusal to accept the propaganda of European cordiality so readily pressed upon us by politicians may seem petty, yet in
PRIDE OF BRITAIN: Kelly Holmes oozes passion
an arena of international competition it seems wrong to support the competitors from nations on whom I would usually be wishing defeat. If there was a Commonwealth cricket team could we realistically be expected to lend the same level of adulation to Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath as to Andrew Flintoff and Michael Vaughan? What justification can there be for sworn sporting enemies to dispense with such ingrained rivalries and compete alongside one another for the benefit of political niceties? Perhaps it is reflective of some subconscious small island mentality that, as an Englishman, my support for the Welsh, Irish and Scots is unflinching when our sportsmen and women find themselves lining up alongside one another. In its original format, changed in 1979 to accommodate entrants from mainland Europe, the Ryder Cup was a real test, albeit one almost always failed, of British spirit against the might of the dominant Americans. Now, although frequently successful, the European team competing in the tournament billed as the greatest in golf, fails to generate the passion necessary to avoid sport being rendered lifeless. The British numerical dominance in this year’s team should have removed any such problem, yet the title does not vanish and a largely British success is being tarnished and portrayed as one achieved by Europe.
Langer’s captaincy appeared faultless and this is certainly not a personal vendetta. Nor is it necessarily a particularly anti-European stance. It is simply that the essence of international sport, the premise upon which years of competition has been based, is the notion of one country competing against another on an
A fiercely competitive Ryder Cup may be more appealing to American television networks, but at what cost? even footing for sporting dominance. Clubbing smaller countries together in order to nullify the might of the Americans is the antithesis of the fundamental beliefs which underpin the history of international sport. Despite this, support for the other home nations can be justified since, as the occupants of a single body of land, we share much in common and have much shared history. Perhaps a third Ryder Cup team – one from mainland Europe - should be incorporated into the competition.
WOODS: Defiant in defeat
The appalling behaviour of the American team and their fans at Brookline in 1999, while ugly and unacceptable, was the result of the immense pride at their country’s achievement. Would they have felt this same intensity of emotion had they been witnessing a victory by the continent of America including the likes of Argentina’s Angel Cabrera and Trinidad and Tobago’s Stephen Ames, both ranked in the world’s top 40 and capable of adding a worthwhile contribution to the American team? Since Europe has won three of the last four Ryder Cups, the logic which saw the expansion of the British team would suggest the same should apply to the Americans. As sport continues to sell its soul to commercial sponsors (note the unprecedented number of adverts on the pitches of ICC Champions Trophy matches), the emotion and ferocity of sport must not be lost. A fiercely competitive Ryder Cup may be more appealing to American television networks but at what cost? When a Brussels hotel clerk queried Shankly signing his address as ‘Anfield’ on a cheque, the Liverpool legend protested, “But that’s where I live.” Sport should be unifying but it should also stir passions and raise the heart rate. The moment sport becomes devoid of passion - the passion the likes of Shankly had in abundance - will be the day sport ceases to be sport in its true sense.
Do you agree with the views expressed in this article? Write to our new Sports Letters section with your views and comments at grsport@hotmail.com gair rhydd sport relies heavily on its contributors. Whether you are a fresher with an interest in writing and sport, or a member of a sports club who would like your team to receive more coverage, get involved! Come and talk to us at the Sports Fair, email us or come up to the office on the 4th floor of the union and have a chat.
gair rhydd
PARENT PRESSURES
Mike Benjamin talks exclusively about beng the father of an Olympian See page 37
FIELD OF (BROKEN) DREAMS
“I was petrified for most of the time’
No medals for Cardiff but Team GB return triumphant By John Stanton Sports Editor
CARDIFF’S OLYMPIANS returned home empty handed after failing to achieve any medals in this summer’s Athens Games. The university was represented by two lecturers, a former Athletic Union President and the son of a current Cardiff lecturer. Tim Benjamin, whose father Mike is a Professor of Musculoskeletal Biology and Sports Medicine Research in the School of Biosciences, came closest to achieving glory as he finished fifth in the men’s 4 x 400m final despite produc-
ing a season’s best time. Former Athletic Union President Pete Gardner, who only began rowing during his time at the university, finished twelfth in the men’s coxless quadruple sculls. Dr. Shelley Newman, another member of Cardiff’s Biosciences department, failed to reach the final of the discus after her longest throw failed to exceed the qualifying distance. Cardiff’s representation was completed by Nicola Phillips, who acted as a physiotherapist for Team GB, with particular responsibility for the weightlifting and diving squads. Full story: Page 39
SPORTS LETTERS You have your say on the issues that really matter to you See page 37
Professor Mike Benjamin
Photo: Mike Benjamin
DASH FOR GLORY: Lectruer’s son Benjamin ready for action
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Five minute fun
Page 34
September 27 2004
grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk
The Big Quiz* *Alternative variations include, but are not limited to: The Big: ‘Swizz’, ‘Jizz’, and ‘Quiz’ as a euphemism for ‘gay’, as in ‘Quizmaster’ = ‘homosexual’.
1. You may have noticed that TV listings this week are somewhat incomplete, but what exactly was the reason for this? A: Nobody could be bothered to download them B: Ever yone was too busy per ving at TV Holly C: Somebody tried to fix a programme on the computer, which inevitably meant that the useful programme needed to download the week’s TV listings melted 2. How much coffee does the gair rhydd office get through, on average, in a week? A: Enough to wipe out Peru’s debt and have enough
3. No ‘big quiz’ would be complete without an obligator y mention of Exeter City, the best football team in the world. But how long have this great team been in existence for? A: 50 years B: It doesn’t matter, they’ll go bust in a week C: 100 years 4. A: B: C: D: E:
Boris Johnson is: My hero A future Prime Minister My best mate Not my father Sexy
5. Freshers’ Week: A: Should have an apostrophe AFTER the ‘s’, not before it, otherwise it belongs to the fresher B: Is an excuse to get drunk C: Contains too many bloody students, with too much money, too much drink, and no sexual morals D: All of the above
6. Alan Par tridge likes sex. Which of these films did he enjoy for more than ten minutes? A: TV Holly’s Love Fantasies B: Bancock Cick Boys C: Rober t Kilroy-Silk Does Dallas D: Lindiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Bush 7. Which of these lines has James Bond never uttered: A: I thought Christmas only came once a year B: She always did enjoy a good squeeze C: I know a great restaurant in Kararchi D: Me Tarzan, you Jane, and you Phil Collins 8. Should George W. Bush win the next election, what is the most likely outcome? A: He decalres war on Belgium, becuse of a US chocolate shor tage B: Sensible people leave this planet for Mercur y. C: Coldplay will write a naff song bemoaning the state of the world, while linking it into a failed love affair, the limpwristed indie bedwetters D: all of the above
Annsummers: 1.c; 2.b; 3cb; 4.d; 5.d; 6.b but there’s a good chance he’s seen all of them ; 7.d; 8.d
Q
change to buy Ireland. B: Not as much as alcohol C: My hands are shaking
Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 12.30am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 1.30am 10 Mackintosh Place, Roath 02920 481805
Oh no, here we go again. I should explain that this section is looking for an editor. I’ll be damned if I’m going to do the jobs of two section editors, be deputy of the paper, and editor of Quench, and do my degree at the same time. Not to mention the excessive drinking I do I’m not giving that up. Anyway, if you’d like to have this section, and do something creative with it, it’s yours. Bear in mind that if you’re shite, me or Gary will fire you. Actually that’s not true because that would mean me having to do it again, and we’re back to square one. Let me re-phrase that. You can have this section. Yes you. Have it, and be damned.
Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Porn star name: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. Serious mate, It’s a free curry, like.
In the event of a tie, please ensure you write your porn star name on your entry (you know, the one you get by taking your first pet’s name as your first name, and your mum’s maiden name as your surname). Funniest one wins, and it has to be real. Yours, Jimbo “Odd Job McGrew” Anthony
ps. Gary did the Exeter City question. If I’d had my way it would have read Cardiff City.
SIX DEGREES OF... 1
4
2
5
3
6
You know the way it works. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.
Across
Down
7. Horse chestnut (coll) (6) 8. Chancellor’s traditional house number (6) 9. Car on rails (4) 10. Expected golf score (3) 11. Plaster, daub (4) 12. Spade-like tool (6) 14. Gentleman farmer (6) 16. Muscle that bends a joint (6) 19. ___ wedding, 50th anniversary (6) 21. Staunch (4) 23. Large skate (3) 24. Secure with key (4) 25. Blunt rejection (6) 26. Fake (6)
1. The ___ Protocol, thriller by Frederick Forsyth (6) 2. Glide lightly over (4) 3. Drive or push forward (6) 4. Almost (6) 5. Smallest US coin (4) 6. Former currency unit of Spain (6) 13. Annoy (3) 15. Liquid mineral (3) 17. Strewn rubbish (6) 18. Make less dense (6) 19. Spring that spouts hot water (6) 20. Stir (6) 22. Loose ___, informal scrimmage in rugby (4) 24. Itemise (4)
Answer: Zhang Ziyi to Chris Tucket (Rush Hour) to Lee Evans (The Fifth Element) to Cameron Diaz (There’s Something About Mary) to LL Cool J (Any Given Sunday) to Jamie Lee Cutirs (Halloween H2O)