gair rhydd - Issue 763

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gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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rhydd free word - EST. 1972

ISSUE 763. MAY 17 2004

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Issue 11 - May 0 3 2004

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Golden Graham

Interviews, Travel, Sport, Fashion,

Music, Books, DC Gates, Film, Blind Date, Going Out...

Ex-Blur guitarist Graham Coxon chats about shoes, songwriting and his new album

Interviews - Fashi on - Gay - Travel - Music - Books Digital - Film - Arts - Food - Going Out

Also this fortnight: DIGITAL take on ninjas FILM go vampire hunting GAY face the undead

40 pages packed with reviews, news and features

Police to force controls on ALL city centre venues

By John Collingridge News Editor DRINK PRICES are set to soar to a minimum of £1.70 per drink across Cardiff as a result of stringent police guidelines.

The union will not escape the crackdown, with a new pricing policy introduced later this year.

The increases are in line with the government’s pledge to reduce alcohol related crime and health problems.

Bars Manager Keith Owen said that police approached the Union and asked its management to follow the example of city centre nightclubs and bars, by introducing sensible drinking policies: "Later this year, as a result of police pressure, we will be introducing a new

minimum of £1.70 per drink.

"We have been informed that this will be a national policy and will affect drink prices across Britain."

Mr Owen added that drink promotions like ‘Buy One Get One Free’ and 80s Night are to be phased out as the new pricing is introduced. As a result, this term will see the last ever Drink the Bar Dry. But Mr Owen was positive about the changes, that could prove unpopular with students: "This new pricing will allow us to compete more with other clubs and bars, especially those who undercut our prices, because there will be a level playing field."

But he added, "We will still be very competitive on drinks, and students should see more money being

ploughed back into the Union, which will bring a better package all round.

"We (the Union) are more and more legally responsible for the actions of our customers.

Introducing a higher minimum price will encourage more responsible drinking, so students can safely enjoy the night."

Drink pricing in the city dubbed ‘the binge drinking capital of Britain’ has been criticised widely recently, as shaming media coverage like the BBC documentary Drunk And Dangerous exposed alcohol fuelled violence in Cardiff.

In a recent speech to police chiefs, Home Secretary David Blunkett said that the government will crack down on licensees offering cheap drink promo-

tions that encourage binge drinking: "Those who are promoting them know very well… that this will fuel excessive drinking by young customers who will get themselves into trouble."

The Union’s move follows last month’s pledge by five Cardiff bars to end their rock-bottom price promotions.

Cardiff MP Jon Owen Jones and police had criticised Jumpin’ Jaks’ £5 All You Can Drink event, and forced owners Luminar to withdraw the promotion.

Jonathan Counsell, a second year chemistry student, agreed with the increases: "It’s the perfect way to reduce alcohol consumption in the UK.”

But some students don’t think the increase will make a difference. Tony Jenkins, a third year Town Planning student, said, "If people want to drink, they’ll drink. I spend about £40 a week on alcohol already."

Roger Harvey, first year Civil Engineering, said the increase won’t help students, "You don’t want to have to spend £60 on a night out."

Top scientists believe Britain’s drinking culture has reached a crisis point, and say that increasing alcohol tax will help curb escalating liver cirrhosis figures.

The government is however keen on introducing 24-hour opening times, a policy they believe will reduce binge drinking by staggering when people leave bars.

News

Page 2

May 17 2004

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Icarus Editorial Politics Letters Jobs & Money Media Five Minute Fun Competitions Listings Comedy Problem TV Listings Sport

1 4 6 9 10 11 12 14 15 18 20 21 30

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

CASH CRASH

By Paul Dicken Deputy News Editor THE HIGHER Education Funding Council for Wales (HEFCW) have predicted a financial crisis for Welsh universities, unless there is a significant increase in funds.

The HEFCW figures show a 70% drop in the operating surplus for Welsh universities. Down from £16.6 million in 2002-03 to £5.2 million this year, forecasts expect the fund to sink to £4.6 million by 2006-07.

The operating surplus pays for staff wages and other costs; it was covered by 2.22 per cent of university income last year, which was cut to 0.69 per cent this year. With the recent AUT pay agreement amounting to a 7.7 per cent pay rise over two years there is a concern that such extra expenditure will result in a shortfall of funds.

Bangor, Lampeter and University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM) reported an operating deficit for 2002-03, and so will inevitably feel the impact of the decrease, unlike more financially sound institutions like Cardiff and Aberystwyth.

Due to merge later this year with Cardiff University, UWCM are more confident than Bangor and Lampeter who are concerned where a solution to the problem will come from, with remaining question marks over the Assembly plans to compensate universities for not introducing top-up fees.

A spokesperson from UWCM suggested that the merger with Cardiff will enable them to ‘compete on an international basis’, allowing a ‘much bigger critical mass’ in terms of research funding.

She added that the deficit shouldn’t have any practical effects in the short term.

The end of degree classification as we know it

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, Funboy Widdop POLITICS Caroline Farwell OPINION & EDITORIAL AJ Silvers LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB! Leigh Debbage MEDIA Gary Andrews, Bec Storey JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken, David Doyle, Will Talmage, Anne-Michelle Wright DEPUTY SPORTS EDITORS Thom Airs, John Stanton PROOF READERS Elaine Morgan CONTRIBUTORS Helen Burnett, Andrew Caldicott, Lorraine Cavanagh, Charlotte Cloke, Charissa Coulthard, Will Dean, Steph Eagleton, James Emtage, Luke Johns, Gareth Keenan, Anthony Proctor, Jim Sefton, Philippa Walker, Paul Woodroof

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Never-ending debt

By Peter Bramwell News Editor BRITAIN’S GRADUATES spend £2,000 on average - just to get their first job, a report has revealed.

In the last year alone, universityleavers amassed a bill of £378 million to get themselves through the office door, shows the findings of a new study by Norwich Union.

On average this is spread out between £230 on clothes and accessories, £50 on books and equipment, £24 on grooming, and a staggering £1,500 on a car – just to get them to their first day at work.

And when they start work, graduates face a further financial shock as there is an average 30 per cent gap between what they expect to earn, and what they actually get.

With the average starting salary at £16,000, graduates have a disposable monthly income of just over £1,000, with the average monthly out-goings at £793.

The survey also showed that the average student leaves university with £13,000 of debt, a figure which can only grow with the impending introduction of top-up fees.

While many students look forward to finally having the disposable income that a job would bring, the reality is that after graduation most students will be saddled with debt for a long time.

James Evans of Norwich Union believes that “while a good degree and landing a first job are great achievements students need to be more realistic about their initial earnings potential.

“They should not get carried away with spending when they start to get their pay cheques.”

By Philippa Walker Reporter THE GOVERNMENT is considering radical changes to the system of degree classification. The re-think was prompted by the rapid increase in the number of firstclass degrees awarded.

Last year, 55 per cent of all graduates received either a first or a 2:1, compared with 25 per cent 10 years ago. As a result, the traditional degree system we are used to looks set to change.

A government-backed task group, headed by Bob Burgess, ViceChancellor of Leicester University, is currently looking into the merit of the classification system and whether it should be changed. No official replacement for the system has been announced yet, although the group is expected to call for more research to establish the best way to measure students’ achievements.

One such idea is that students will either be rewarded with a degree or not,

Word on the street ALEX MILLER, SECOND YEAR ARCHITECTURE

JONATHAN COUNSELL, SECOND YEAR CHEMISTRY

“

It’s the perfect way to reduce the UK. I alcoholic consumption in pling the crip is l oho agree with it. Alc of days ber num the to due y econom taken off a year.

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“

The only reason I came e it into the Taf was becaus put It’ll ’. free one was ‘buy one get ’ll just We ch. mu as out ng goi you off h other’s end up going round to eac . houses

”

and prospective employers will be given a transcript of their achievements.

The news was originally announced in a white paper, released in January 2003, when the government said, “We want to ensure that whatever system universities use is transparent and adequately conveys the difference between the achievements of individual students, so that it has credibility with students and employers. It is likely that this will include a detailed transcript of students’ achievement to go alongside whatever qualification is awarded, but this is not a dramatic change because most universities already provide them.”

The announcement comes at a time when Britain is also looking at a European scheme to establish a European Diploma Supplement. This will describe the nature, level, context, content and status of students’ studies to achieve a more universal model for the whole of Europe. Any such changes will not occur for some time as the report is not due to be published until next month at the earliest.

ANTI BINGE DRINKING ROGER HARVEY, FIRST YEAR CIVIL ENGINEERING No, I don’t think it’s a good That’s thing. with why you go out; to drink t to your friends. You don’t wan . out ht nig a on d qui have to spend 60

“

”

News

May 17 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

STUDENTS CLUBBERED

Cardiff nightclub staff are using more than “reasonable force” when dealing with trouble, says Philippa Walker U NNECESSARY VIOLENCE by bouncers on unsuspecting victims is rising in Cardiff’s clubs, if reports are to be believed.

An increasing number of complaints have been made to gair rhydd by students concerned with the aggressive attitude of doorstaff in Cardiff clubs and rough treatment received from them on nights out.

Robin Lounges, a second year history student, told of a nasty experience with a bouncer last December. "A bouncer grabbed my arm from behind and pulled it up behind me, and then him and some others shoved me towards some stairs and pushed me down them."

This treatment is usually reserved for aggressive behaviour or criminal activity, but Lounges defends his

“They radio each other to boast about about what they just did to someone” behaviour: "I’m not saying I wasn’t drunk, but I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I think the bouncers would have hurt me further if I hadn’t run out of the fire exit." Robin ended up in hospital with a suspected broken thumb and concussion.

The Front of House manager at the club where the alleged attack took place claims 99 per cent of the total complaints they receive are about bouncers who retaliate to abuse from customers. This, however, leaves a remaining one per cent of violence by door supervisors, left unexplained.

He also stated that the procedure for "serious assaults" is to suspend the suspected bouncer and to report the incident to the police. This seems an adequate practice if effective. But Lounges disagrees, "I reported the incident to the police, but due to lack of evidence, nothing was done about it."

It seems an assault must go further than concussion before it is considered serious enough for action.

Cases like Robin’s occur more than you might think. Which is strange, considering that Cardiff was involved in a successful pilot scheme for licensing door supervisors, which has recently been made national.

According to the Security Industry Authority (the company responsible for the new laws), all door security staff must be fully licensed with the local council. This means anyone with a criminal record, especially "offences involving violence, weapons, drugs, criminal damage and sexual offences" cannot be a door supervisor.

Police community officer for Cathays, PC Bob Keohane, said that this scheme has proved very successful and problems in Cardiff have dramatically declined since the scheme began.

Despite this, there are still many others who have been victimised by door supervisors taking the law into their own hands. Assaults by doormen occur in bars and nightclubs across the city. A second year Engineering student was on a night out in a bar in Cardiff City centre when he had a similar experience: "I was sitting in the bar when a bouncer came up accusing me of tearing up the sofa. He grabbed my neck with his hand to make me stand up.

"Then two other bouncers pushed me out of the bar backwards and left me outside."

He had little time to answer the accusations they had made, or to voice his opinions. Once outside, a doorman allegedly threatened to beat him up if he didn’t move away from the entrance doors. When asked about this event, the manager of the bar claimed incidents of this nature rarely occurred, if ever.

The cause of such behaviour could be attributed to bouncers who take steroids to boost their muscular appearance, which also boosts selfconfidence. Anabolic steroids have long been used within the bodybuilding world to help people build up their body muscle.

One former bouncer told gair rhydd,

"I knew two bouncers who died from taking steroids." Although serious risks of fatal diseases are linked with steroids, it’s assumed by many that they are worth the risk for the extra body mass available. This bouncer also stated how things have changed over the years.

"We only ever hit people in selfdefence. Now, they have radios, supposedly to call for assistance, but they also radio each other to boast about what they just did to someone."

Clubs do have procedures for dealing with troublesome partygoers.

Jason Dunlop, the General Manager of the Students’ Union, described the procedure they have at the union for unruly students: "Ask, ask again, and then ask again. If that fails, use ‘reasonable force’ to get the punter out."

The definition of reasonable force is flexible, but the Oxford Dictionary of Law states that it may be used "in order to prevent crime, to lawfully arrest a criminal or suspected criminal." This is where the problem begins as the law is unclear about the length a person can go to restrain someone. If a person thinks they have been mistreated, they should report it to the venue, and then to the police.

Drunken students may find it difficult to handle stressful situations such as this. Finnbarr Graham, president of the students’ union gave some invaluable advice, "not to get so drunk that you fail to understand the circumstances you’re in."

To stop doormen mistreating people, victims must complain. To avoid such things happening to you, stay sober enough to control the situation and remember the details. If it does happen to you or someone you know, report it.

“Stay sober enough to control the situation and remember the details”

CLENCHED FISTS: Cardiff bouncer

Nightline still available

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor WITH EXAM fever sweeping the university, Nightline is urging stressed students to contact them.

Nightline is a confidential listening service run entirely by students and is independent of Cardiff University.

The service – which has been running for 30 years – is manned by anonymous students and is available from 8pm to 8am every night possible.

It can also provide students with a wealth of information on health, academic issues and relationships.

A spokesperson for the organisation told gair rhydd, "Freshers Week and exam periods are our busiest times. We get loads of people calling on the morning of their exam to find out the venue, as well as students who suddenly can’t take their exam for whatever reason. We can help students with all these sorts of issues, so would encourage them to call us."

Nightline is based at 148 Colum Road and students are also welcome to pop in to collect information or discuss their problems face to face.

To contact Nightline call 02920 223933.

Opinion

Page 4

May 17 2004

icarus500@hotmail.com

Flying too close to the political flame

The beginning of the end for Blair?

T

HERE’S A JOKE in political circles about the best way to tell how much trouble the Prime Minister is really in.

All you have to do is measure the width of Gordon Brown’s smile.

And over the last few weeks our Chancellor has been grinning like the Cheshire Cat. The problems just keep mounting for Tony Blair. Or rather, there’s one big problem which keeps getting worse: Iraq.

For those of us who opposed this disastrous venture, you might think there’d be a sense of “I told you so” as it all goes wrong.

Nothing of the sort.

The story of Tony Blair and Iraq has the makings of the biggest political tragedy of the modern era.

Of course it’s a human tragedy too.

11,000 Iraqi civilians have died. Include Iraqi soldiers (and conscripted youths) and the number of deaths triples.

Next to them Tony Blair’s troubles pale into insignificance. But they’re very real nonetheless.

Blair’s Labour Government has to rate as perhaps the second-best government Britain has ever had.

Brown’s stewardship of the economy has been second-to-none.

Interest rates and inflation are the lowest in a generation.

The cumbersome oil tanker of our NHS is finally beginning to turn around.

Maximum waiting times are still too high, but half what they were in 1997.

Just this week, employment stats were unveiled showing the lowest jobless rate since records began.

Caged by history: Blair’s political dreams have been virtually destroyed by his involvedment with Iraq There is one more person in work for every two minutes Labour has been in power - 1.95 million since 1997.

Good news for students graduating this year.

But this good news is drowned out buried under an avalanche of nightmarish headlines from the Middle East.

Labour looks like taking a pasting in the council and European elections next month - because of Iraq.

Of course, neither your local council

nor the EU can do a thing about the war.

But that won’t change a thing - people want to protest and that’s their right.

The cruellest thing is that Labour’s Euro-MPs in Brussels actually joined Socialist colleagues across Europe in voting AGAINST Bush’s Iraqi jaunt.

And the vast majority of Council candidates - like party members - also opposed a war without the UN. But they’re the ones who’ll get punished.

Senior Labour politicians have queued up in recent weeks to gently suggest that it’s time for Blair to consider a graceful exit.

Former leader Neil Kinnock, former foreign secretary Robin Cook and former spin doctor Joe Haines have all expressed doubts about how long Blair can carry on.

These calls are the tip of the iceberg.

There is a growing mood of resentment in the Labour Party against the war and the man who took us into it.

Council candidates have told me: “There’s only so many times you can hear ‘I’m voting Lib Dem because of the war’ from previously loyal voters.”

The Lib Dems and the Welsh Nationalist Party have given up all pretence of fighting the elections on the relevant issues.

Ridiculously, Charlie Kennedy tells us that the european poll is the “most appropriate forum” to send a message to Tony Blair about Iraq. What?

Welsh Nationalist leader and jobbing folk singer Dafydd Iwan echoes him: “It is inevitable that this election will be seen by many as a referendum on Blair’s decision to go to war.”

You bloody hope, mate.

But it looks like this blatant opportunism might pay off.

The Tories might even pick up a few more votes - despite the fact that they’re even bigger Bush cheerleaders.

Iraq will hurt the whole Labour Party, but for Blair it is a very personal tragedy.

When he sailed smiling into power in 1997, what was on his political wish-list?

To take Britain into the Euro and to the heart of Europe. To undo the Thatcherite legacy. To make Labour a successful party of government.

Invade Iraq? The thought hadn’t even entered his head.

Now, because he lacked the simple courage to stand up to a warmongering ape of a President, Blair’s European dreams lie in ruins.

The non-existent WMDs have destroyed his credibility.

Converting a sceptical public to the benefits of the EU now seems a mountainous task.

His huge domestic achievements are ignored, and Labour looks vulnerable for the first time in years.

He’s told senior colleagues: “If I become an electoral liability, I’ll leave.”

If Iraqi is truly at a low point and improves from now on, then Blair will probably go on to win the next election.

But if it gets worse, Blair’s political future looks increasingly bleak.

Meanwhile, Gordon Brown’s smile gets wider by the day.

Bitesize Tories in EU Fraud Shocker WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT IT? The Conservatives - selfappointed defenders of the Brit taxpayer against corrupt Eurocrats - have been caught with their hand in the EU till.

Euro-MP Bashir Khanbhai was nabbed claiming over £6,500 in travel expenses to an address that, er, doesn’t exist.

Just a week ago, Tory leader “Poll Tax Mike” Howard publicly declared he was standing fully behind the embattled MEP. Now a top committee of Tory bigwigs has kicked Khanbhai off the candidates’ list.

Amusingly, on his website Khanbhai claims his political interests include “Fighting fraud and corruption in EU institutions.”

Dame Beyoncé OBE? FURTHER EVIDENCE of the Hello!-isation of British culture emerged this week.

The bootylicious Beyoncé is set to receive an honorary OBE. The honours system is fast becoming a national embarrassment.

“Order of the British Empire”?

What Empire?

Bunging a gong at a flash-in-the-pan Yank pop star seems the final straw.

What next? Lady Britney?

BNP: Crap THE NEW ‘FLASH’ movies on the BNP website are the worst political campaigning I’ve seen.

Not because they’re racist or offensive, but because they’re crap.

Embarrassingly, cringingly, hilariously, rib-crackingly crap.

Go see for yourself at www.bnp.org.uk/audio.html.

The BNP are a total joke.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

May 17 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

sank the night before? Most would be annoyed to leave the house with such a meagre amount.

By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor

I

t has long been a media buzzphrase, but it seems Cardiff is finally ready to clamp down on “binge drinking” Of course, it would be as obscene as the practice itself to claim that this is a bad thing.

Incidents of alcohol related violence continue to rise, as unsociable behaviour spirals out of control. But if you actually read the Government definition of binge drinking a stark truth quickly emerges; you’d be hard pushed to find a better description of your average student night. According to Blunkett “binge drinking is defined as consuming twice the recommended guidelines in one day - six units for a woman and eight for a man”.

How many male students come to morning lectures boasting of the four pints they heroically

The truth is that the Government’s plans will hit students more than any other demographic. Minimum drink prices will wipe out the very promotions that stretch limited funds to that extra Friday Lash.

We are all going to have to come to terms with nightclubs that charge us the minimum £1.70 drink price. Forget happy hours, all you can drink offers, or BOGOF. We are likely to see much greater price parity throughout venues in Cardiff.

Of course, the union will not escape Blunkett’s reforms and promotional deals will be hit.

Optimistically we may see a reduction in price for certain lines because there will be no need to subsidise the practice of selling drinks at £1 or sometimes even less.

But in the immediate future students will have to realise that the cost of drinking in Cardiff may prohibit regular nights out - that is the point after all.

Luke’s Gospel

By Luke Johns

I

was in an amiable mood the other day and with the sun shining at last I would say it was one of my nicer strolls through the city centre. But then, whilst walking along St. Mary’s street I was assaulted. No, not physically thankfully, but verbally, and not even by the stereotypical types that people tend to whine about. I have no problem with people selling ‘The Big Issue’ and I certainly don’t have a problem with people collecting support for the big charities like Oxfam. It’s those damned religious fanatics that get me every bloody time.

Why? I didn’t do anything untoward to this chap apart from share his air space, but before I could say ‘Jehovah’ he had force-fed me much of the New Testament after informing me I was a sinner, secure with a guaranteed special offer oneway ticket to hell unless I repented.

A sinner! This man had never conversed with me before. He didn’t know my name or my character but he

A

nyone coming into Cardiff from the Gabalfa end of town can’t help but notice the fact that the exam season has come round again. A large billboard urges us not just to ‘take’ exams but to ‘take them on’. It claims the attention of every incoming motorist, cyclist and bus passenger and while it is probably a good thing for passing travellers who don’t have to think about exams to remember what it was like, how helpful its highly stylised no-nonsense imagery is for the tired student is somewhat open to question.

The graphic design is punchy. A cartoon Kung Fu figure kicks out at the world with exaggerated gusto wearing an expression which signals that he means business. The message is simple: Take control of the situation and you’ll win through. But does such an aggressive Kung Fu approach to the whole business of exam taking really enhance anyone’s confidence? I have a suspicion that unless you are a natural exam taker, it probably doesn’t Speaking as someone who only very recently stopped taking exams (I started the whole university degree business after both my children had left school), whenever I look at that poster I feel more like the person on the receiving end of the Kung Fu kick

than the one giving it. I remember what it felt like when fear gets a grip before one’s even had a chance to think about it.

“We can deal with fear” If the poster has anything to say to those of us for whom exams are not invariably plain sailing, it has to do with getting a grip on the fear before it gets control of you. That’s not to say that the way to deal with fear and anxiety is to spend a great deal of time being anxious about it. Neither does overcoming fear involve pretending it isn’t there by drowning it out with whatever distraction comes to hand.

These are simply evasion tactics.

What is required, however, is the will and the ability to direct the kind of aggression which the poster depicts towards the one who is the ultimate source of confidence and strength in any testing situation. We can deal with fear, by working with need – not in passive evasion but by an aggressive asking. To return to the Kung Fu poster, this involves a kind of kicking of one’s way through to the place in which one’s inner reserves lie dormant, in order to grab what God has given us for the realisation of our fullest human potential and there to meet the giver himself.

“before I could say ‘Jehovah he had force-fed me” I’m sure this man had good intentions (however well-hidden they were) and I’m all for freedom of speech, but surely people like him are taking it too far? I was patient with ‘Matthew’. I discussed with him why

I wasn’t going to soil myself because of his threats and eventually after waxing philosophical we both parted with an air of civilised disagreement.

But either way that man judged me and everybody else that walked past him simply because he has accepted ‘The Word’ and I, among others, have not.

Having faith is a glorious thing, but ramming it down someone’s throat in an offensive manner isn‘t just across the line, it‘s about five hundred miles beyond it in the no-go zone. That’s pretty much all I have to say, unless of course if ‘Matthew’ is reading this. If anyone recognises themselves as the said ‘fire and brimstone’ ranting fruitcake I met that day, if you want people to share your views my friend I suggest you first acknowledge some of your own Good Book’s good advice; "Do not condemn others, and God will not condemn you; forgive others, and God will forgive you" (Luke 6:37), and not forgetting "Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but pay no attention to the log in your own?" (Luke 6:41).

James Emtage’s student stereotype: revision time

Testing Times I

By Revd. Dr. Lorraine Cavanagh Anglican Chaplain

could apparently sense my ‘sins’ from the other side of Cardiff. My problem is that though I’m generally a tolerant person, especially when it comes to matters of faith, this guy really pissed me off. What right do these religious loons have to stroll through shopping centres scare-mongering people to sign away their lives to secure their souls? So what if people have sinned according to the Bible - what if some of those people haven’t accepted the Bible?

t’s Saturday afternoon, and Matt is revising for his stats exam. The exam’s on Monday morning, giving him 36 hours to learn two semesters worth of mathematical jargon, no easy feat for even your most diligent student. The trouble is, he just can’t seem to concentrate.

He keeps finding little jobs to do, which are proving to be far more interesting, such as loading CD’s onto his Windows Media Player, playing Tiger Woods Golf on his PS2, or using

up his free minutes on his mobile phone. Even the most mundane tasks have taken a priority in his routine, he’s shaven twice in two days, done all his laundry and colour coded his lecture notes. Distracting thoughts of Kiera Knightly and Elisha Cuthbert riding ponies bareback along the beach aren’t helping matters either, as we all know where they lead to… It’s a testing time also for his housemates, and practical jokes have been high on everyone’s to do lists. Just the other day he walked into his room to find

that every single picture, poster and moveable object had been turned upside-down, and last night he was the main instigator in hiding his best mate’s bed in the shower. As the 2way ANOVA’s and within-subject ttests blur in front of his eyes, he decides it’s time for a cheese toastie break, and to his delight, the Spanish Grand Prix has just begun. Well, why not, he thinks to himself. He has just done a solid 35 minutes. Good luck Matt, see you in August for the retakes.

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

Editorial & Opinion

May 17 2004

Page 7

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Celebrity exposure W

By Charissa Coulthard

e all know it can often be comforting to see pics of bare-faced celebrities carrying out the ordinary tasks that we mortals have to do. It’s often the case that we gain a certain level of satisfaction knowing even the most beautiful, glamorous stars can look as attractive as a first degree hangover. But as the expansion of celebrity magazines begins to take over, and after weeks and weeks of ludicrous headlines consisting of ‘celeb surgery gone wrong’ and, er, ‘more celeb surgery gone wrong’, the pathetic – and very unhealthy – obsession with celebrities is just becoming mind-numbingly boring.

What began as entertainment has rapidly transformed into something that resembles a humiliation zoo of celebrities: a paperback of shite, in which the talented are squashed somewhere at the back amongst the

film reviews, and anyone remotely famous – whose physical ‘faults’ or unattractiveness can be blamed on (apparent) surgery – is thrust in our face for the ultimate cringe factor. Oh my god, we (are supposed to) think.

Geri Halliwell is no longer an anorexic size six. Let’s marvel in disgust at the picture of her (and her minute, yet purposely amplified, roll of fat) and use this cover image to feel better about ourselves. Similarly, you might have noticed that Michelle McManus – who apparently won pop idol because weight shouldn’t matter – has appeared on the cover of numerous newspapers and magazines: not because she’s talented (of course) but because we are expected to believe that the sight of her in a swimming cossie is simply too comically entertaining to resist. Amongst this strange addiction to the imperfection of famous/not so famous people, it’s also simultaneously irritating that, on every other page, we are expected to be instantly captivated by the latest celebrity diet and its new starvation technique.

When it comes to the latest news, I know it’s inevitable that the recent hot scandals will be thrust in our naïve little minds until no more lies can possibly be told about them. It would be completely impossible for Heat, for example, to refrain from blagging

about the infinite hype of what David Beckham has done/hasn’t done/is doing/needs to do (I’ll leave suggestions up to you)… But I just find the pointless focus on Z-list celebrities quite exhausting. Will someone care to remind me what Jade Goody, Tara Palmer Tomkinson and Paris Hilton are actually famous for?

It’s not fair for us to be aware of their existence, let alone be subject to their

now that the summer holidays are just around the corner?

It seems to me as though, for many international students, the dream of European travel will have to remain just that – a dream. Though it is still true that you can always find a cheap place to stay and eat once you get to most European cities, the problem is just that – you have to get there first.

After seeing that the seemingly cheap flights from Britain to Europe cost not just a few pounds but often a few hundred pounds after you take into account all of the items which they always fail to mention in the initial advertisement, such as taxes and the fact that you can only fly at certain times (usually at ridiculous hours) and on specific days to get any kind of deal on a seat, many international students are forced nowadays to think

twice about taking that long-awaited backpacking trip or quick weekend getaway to any European city, especially as we are already paying thousands of dollars in international tuition fees. Sure, seats offered for a few pounds do exist but you will often a) have to find your way from Cardiff to London Stanstead or Luton first by taking an expensive train journey only to then b) end up landing in some out-of-the-way airport, forced to pay for another form of transportation to get you into the city centre, which completely negates the fact that you have just flown on the cheap.

The fact that the summer tourist season and any major holidays make for expensive travel is hardest felt by students, as this is usually the only time we get to travel outside of our

“what’s the big deal with Sarah Jessica Parker?” highly publicised personal lives.

As if this inappropriate crap isn’t enough, what’s the big hyped-up deal with celebrity fashion? More explicitly, what’s the big deal with Sarah Jessica Parker? Am I the only member of society who believes she is unbelievably overrated? After the disappearance of sex and the shitty, I at least expected her and her jumble sale of a wardrobe to be absent from the spotlight for a bit, but her dress sense just continues to plague me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for unique and inventive styles… But after the never-ending encouragement

for half the nation to ‘steal her style’ (and oh, how I wish someone would), I’m really beginning to wonder what this celebrity-obsessed world is all about.

Admittedly, my anger over celebrity magazines – and the fame obsessed world they are inflicting – reveals that I, erm, can’t resist reading them either. Sometimes it’s just too tempting to pass up the tacky pictures and columns; similarly to when you try your hardest to pick up The Guardian but find The Sun always looks so much more appealing.

Maybe I’m just angry at them for ignoring my numerous work experience pleas… or maybe my recent hate for the Z-list existence just stems from the sadness I felt when Pat Sharp miserably failed The Games.

Nevertheless, even if I didn’t succumb to such trash, I’m sure I would still unwillingly get the celebrity phenomenon thrust in my face. Pretty soon we will realise that what was once entertainment has become a ridiculous display of twats who are famous for nothing. As for the magazines, they’re the ultimate trash that we love to hate. The mindnumbingly boring obsession will continue for as long as we have the thirst for it, and we’ve only got ourselves to blame when Wife Swap’s Lizzy partakes in world domination.

Helen Burnett on cheap seat envy and the backpacker’s dream break

F

or many North American students, as well as students from all over the world, backpacking across Europe is almost a rite of passage, a chance to see many countries in a short space of time on a shoestring budget, or at least it used to be.

Many international students, including myself, came to Cardiff with dreams of making a few side trips or even a proper backpacking adventure over to Europe at some point during our studies – it’s definitely too close to miss out on while we are here and as an added bonus, we had all heard stories about those ultra-cheap airlines offering unbelievably affordable airfares. After all, who in their right mind would pass up a chance to head over to the continent for a measly few pounds, especially

semester dates. Even certain ‘student’ travel agencies won’t give international students a break as they are currently offering ‘deals’ on flights which can hardly be considered deals at all as they are usually even more expensive than the prices offered by the discount airlines themselves.

Airlines and travel companies know that international students want to travel while they are in Britain. It seems as though international students have become a target travel market all their own and are literally paying for it. The travel industry needs to start offering better deals year-round to international students before we are financially forced to stop planning trips such as Europe backpacking, which would be a horrible shame as for many, this is our once in a lifetime chance to do it..

Student Rant Andrew Caldicott

J

ust about every politician and general do-gooder in the Western world has apologised grovellingly to the Iraqi people for the alleged torture that has been inflicted by the American troops (although the pictures of the British equivalent are known to be Daily Mirror frauds).

I note, however, that the Iraqis aren’t queuing up to apologise for the horrific murder of an American civilian recently by those animals of Al Q’ieda.

To those who don’t know, he wasn’t just beheaded with a sword or axe, but had his head cut off slowly with an approximately 10-inch knife while he was crying and screaming. Even Hez Bollah, that well-known guardian of human morality, condemned the action outright saying that the actions were contrary to the Koran (you can kill people, but must do so without causing un-necessary suffering even to your worst enemy apparently), and the perpetrators should suffer the death penalty themselves.

Of course, the long-term mistreatment of these prisoners is wrong, but the torture of military and terrorist prisoners upon capture to extract "hot" intelligence quickly is, unfortunately, a necessary part of warfare. To all those leftie armchair generals who think war is like it is in Hollywood films, and that the Geneva Convention is the be-all and end-all; please wake up to reality. War is horrific. People die. The idea is that their people die before yours do, and bollocks to human rights when its your lives, the lives of your comrades and the freedom of your country that are at stake. To those who bemoan this fact, why don’t you get your lilylivered arses out to the front line, and then come back with this airy-fairy view of what happens there?

Admittedly, I agree we shouldn’t have been anywhere near Iraq but my reasons are completely different to those of the Stop the War Coalition. I couldn’t give a shit what happens in the Middle East, nor to the people who live there. We certainly shouldn’t be wasting British soldiers’ lives trying to impose a liberal Western "democracy" on a conservative Islamic people and fighting for their "human rights", especially since they don’t want us to!

They are even suing us for it now, and our idiotic Establishment is actually letting them do it. But that’s another story.

Pull our boys out now, before we get embroiled in yet another Northern Ireland with an enemy who are even less civilised and have even less regard for human life than the PIRA.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

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Political Opinion

May 17 2004

Page 9

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Caroline Farwell on the ecological cost of the recent EU expansion

T

he successful enlargement of the European Union at the beginning of the month marked the admittance of ten new countries and an additional 75 million people into the coalition. Whilst the new member states will of course provide increased opportunity and wealth for the European community, attentions remain cautiously focused on the potential complications of the enlargement.

Consideration is particularly centred on the environmental policies of the EU and how the new member states will satisfy and instigate the appropriate regulatory requirements.

Ecological matters and the promotion of sustainable development were at the forefront of negotiations preceding the expansion and continue to be the most intricate strategies to implement out of all the EU’s legal obligations.

Despite the popular image of central and Eastern Europe as poverty-ridden and liable to ecological disaster, the area is in fact home to the continent’s richest natural capital. Together, the new members account for one fifth of Europe’s forestland and offer substantial freshwater resources and wildlife

diversity. This rich natural variety is clearly a valuable asset to the European community but at the same time a feature that remains vulnerable to exploitation.

Human impacts upon the environment are currently low in the new accession countries, and so the enlargement confronts them with longterm challenges to conserving biodiversity. Securing the natural resources of the new member states, as well as ensuring long-term sustainable development will prove a test for the European Environment Agency.

In spite of the fact that EU is said to have the most progressive environmental legislation in the world, its protectionist policies on agriculture and commerce are evidently damaging the environment.

Weaker eastern economies of the union are becoming increasingly vulnerable to the forces of capitalism and commercialisation, having severe knock-on effects for the regional environment.

The decisions made by the European Union over the next few years will prove fundamental to the ecological future of the continent.

Agricultural and rural developmental policies have already caused signifi-

cant environmental devastation prior to the 2004 enlargement. And such damage is expected to recur within the accession countries if fundamental reform is not implemented into the green agenda.

Take for example the application of the Common Agricultural Policy (CAP) in Eastern Europe. Prior to the enlargement, the EU helped future member states with pre-accession programmes in agriculture. Now however, this appears considerably insufficient to meet the demands of those new member states for whom agriculture plays an influential role in the domestic economy.

on the already stretched farming budget. The new member states are now receiving subsidies from CAP: new soft money that will soon deceive deprived eastern farmers into intensifying their farming methods to increase the amount of government funding that they receive.

This policy is similarly attractive to the policy-makers who become blinded by the attraction of short-term profit via over-exploitation and the amplification of farming methods. Either way the sustainability of the eastern landscape and biodiversity is left to confront the severity.

So what can be done to overcome these environmental implications of the enlargement?

Or, more crucially, what is being done by the European Union to combat ecological degradation and ensure sustainable development?

Under the Kyoto Protocol the enlarged union is committed to reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 8%

from 1990 levels between the period of 2008 and 2012. And the Sixth Environmental Action Programme for the EU will see developments in environmental law for the new enlarged Europe. However, strategies of implementation into eastern policy remain at the forefront of discussion. The imposition of western policy on the less developed east poses major problems for the assimilation process.

And the future for an enlarged Europe? Western Europe’s consumption patterns will increase pressures on the environment. Western concepts of deregulation, privatisation and commercialisation will endanger existing eastern practices of biodiversity protection. And western intensive agricultural and infrastructure developments may exhaust eastern natural wealth.

This threat from the west can only be countered through fundamental policy reform. The environmental gains from the latest European enlargement will otherwise be lost amid the brutal drive for maximum productivity and profit potential; a price the European community can ill afford to pay, especially when environmental sustainability is fatally left to foot the bill.

had grown a beard. Just like little Alli’s.

It was wispy: a girl’s beard. We laughed and tugged it. He winced then he laughed too. Cheeks wet with tears, he laughed. It was then I think, then I realised what it is to live. To laugh, to have your beard pulled, to be scared.

And what it is to live and to end a life.

He would never laugh again, never taste the rain, never see his family.

He was marched to the kitchen, a gun in his back, as I filmed the children.

They came to watch and laughed and ran around in the yard, jumping and waving for the camera. There had been no classes since the invasion. The roof had fallen in when the Americans shelled the village but the kitchen had a cellar. This would be a new lesson. I stood outside with him. The sun beat down on his face, drying his tears. Flies swarmed in the shade. I checked the tape and showed him the camera. He smiled, fearful, and nodded. His voice rasped but the desert wind stole his words.

The cellar was lit by a single bulb. A harsh, barren, light. It made his eyes water. I am sure it was the bright light that brought the tears. They stood behind him and made the proclamation. G-d is great they said. G-d be praised they said.

But G-d was not there.

He sat on the floor. Just sat there and stank. We could smell his fear. When he was to speak he cried out. His voice croaked. We gave him water and he cried some more. He was whipped.

Blows rained down until he stopped crying.

The yellowed walls ran with sweat. It was hot. We had to breathe his fear. I had to stop filming twice. Each time he cried, he was beaten. As I started record-

ing again the battery light blinked a warning. There was no time. The station would fix it they said. It would be made right.

They fell on him like jackals and he screamed. He screamed like the goat Uncle killed for the festival. Kicking out, he wailed. The battery light blinked and they slashed at his throat. G-d is great they said, but G-d was not there. I was and I filmed them hack at his neck.

He screamed. Hack. He whined. Hack.

They pulled his head back. Slash. The sun had leathered his skin, it was tough.

Chop. His blood gushed over the handle of the knife, its sickly sweet smell filled the room. Hack. The battery light blinked. His blood ran like oil, across the floor. Hack.

“Zoom, zoom” they cried. “Let the world see our wrath!” They waved his head, chanting, screaming. The battery winked out and the camera died. But it was too late. I had seen the devils dance with delight. The world will see too. I tasted blood in the air. I left red footprints on the stairs. I cried in the sun as the desert drank my tears. This is against our teaching. This was not for our G-d.

Your G-d mother. We will be unfairly judged. The planes will come. The bombs will fall and everyone will die.

The Christians will not turn the other cheek. Their G-d is cruel. They will quote their book. “An eye for an eye”.

They will rain down fire from the heavens. We will all die.

They will kill us as we have killed them. The desert will wash with our blood and the buzzards will pick clean the bones of our children. This is not how it was supposed to be. And I held the camera. I am sorry.

“Europe’s outdated agricultural sector isfundamentally failing its members” Europe’s outdated agricultural sector is fundamentally failing its members. Enlargement means a huge increase in the EU’s agricultural spending, placing increased pressure

Garbage city? The death of innocence T

By Helen Burnett

T

ake a walk around Cardiffand you will notice them everywhere.

Streets littered with recyclable items such as water bottles and pop cans are a common sight in this city, almost as common as the absence of green recycling bags lined along the pavement on any given weekday morning. As the National Assembly’s ‘Waste Strategy for Wales’, a plan aimed at boosting recycling rates in Wales to 10% by 2010, is set to enter its third year, it has become clear that the Assembly and Cardiff City Council’s well intentioned plans to clean up Wales’ landfills and streets are not working; people just aren’t recycling.

It is completely unacceptable for Wales to be lagging so far behind its EU counterparts when it comes to recycling as it has clearly become a way of life in many other EU countries, engrained into people’s daily routines along with other necessary tasks.

Countries such as Austria currently recycle 60% of all waste, compared to Wales’ rate of 12% and Cardiff’s meagre 9.5% recycling rate, making this country one of the worst recyclers in the EU. Mass quantities of reusable and recyclable household materials are ending up in South Wales landfills daily, where they will sit for hundreds of years, polluting the environment and potentially creating a health hazard.

Contrary to what many would like

to believe, Cardiff residents actually do want to recycle but the means to do so have not been made available to all.

According to a report commissioned by the Welsh Consumer Council, as many as 85% of people in Wales are very willing to recycle, but are unable to, due to the lack of kerbside pickup.

Many citizens are unhappy with the idea of having to take their recycling to a central depot, which takes time and effort and usually requires the use of a vehicle. While the ‘green bag’ scheme is underway in Cardiff, this is still only a pilot project available in certain areas of the city. As several keen recyclers also recently found out, the green bags are also very difficult to get a hold of these days, as most corner shops don’t stock them, which usually means you will have to get down to the City Council building in Cardiff Bay to buy these elusive bags. Many environmental activists in Wales are hoping that the issue of recycling will take some precedence in upcoming election campaigns with the new Liberal Democrat manifesto already calling for ‘universal door-step and kerb side’ recycling schemes.

Kerbside pickup for all is arguably the only way to encourage household recycling in Cardiff. Since we can’t have the entire city heading down to Queen Street to deposit their household recycling in those underused receptacles, and since no one is going to realistically want to trek all the way down to the Bay in order to do their part for the environment, the Assembly needs to take the issue of recycling seriously before people’s willingness to make an effort begins to fade.

he following account is fictional. You may find descriptions, imagery and ideas that could upset you. This is not a political or religious statement. It is fiction, what might have been.

Mother, By the time you read this I will be dead. I am sorry. Sorry for the pain this will cause you. It is just that I die. I have been promised a quick death.

Honorable. I go to be judged, for so it is written. Heeding the cleric’s call, I came to film the truth. I wanted to show the world how we are suffering, what they do to us. And show them how we fight back. Our jihad, our just cause.

The world will see my work and I am ashamed. He is dead. I did not hold the knife that killed him. But I will kill him again and again and again. As the world watches, I will kill him, the enemy of our people, of our G-d. I am glad I am to die. I am not a holy warrior but I will die well. Only then will the screams be silenced. Only then will my eyes close and not see red.

They told him I would film him. That he will be swapped for others, for our Holy Warriors. He said he had seen the other films. That he wanted to go home.

He would say what we want. He was scared.

They brought him in a truck. We were waiting outside the school.

Waiting to teach the world a lesson. The truck rolled to a stop in the dust. He was pushed from the back and fell in the dirt. His hands and feet were bound tight. Hobbled and bent like an old woman, he was dragged to his feet. He

Next weeks page will be about politics and the European Union. If you want to write for the politics section email your articles and suggestions to gropinions@cf.ac.uk. Alternatively, come along to the weekly politics and opinion editorial meeting: Tuesdays, 5:15pm, in the GR Office

Letters

Page 10

May 17 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page This week Letters Desk has been overwhelmed with responses to previous letters and former articles; it means that people do actually read the things we write and the letters you send me. However, despite my plea for letters to be written on new and exciting subjects, the sports monkeys seem to have taken over my page yet again. In an attempt to put an old topic to rest I’ve let Sports Editor Riath Al-Samarrai justify a few of gair rhydd’s sporting capers by replying to the complaints in this issues Letter of the week. Whether his comments will resolve the situation remains to be seen.

Perri

Canadian and not afraid to admit it

Dear gair rhydd,

I am writing in response to the article entitled: "Life on the 'no' side".

As a Canadian from a "...quiet and uneventful place..." who has been living in Cardiff for nearly a year now, I feel qualified to comment on the well meaning, but ultimately flawed portrayal of Canadian society that Helen Burnett conveyed to your readers in her piece in the Editorial and Opinion section. One gets the distinct impression from reading this piece that Helen falls into the same category as documenterian (sic) /political activist Michael Moore in that she is one of those foreigners who tends to see my country through rose coloured glasses. Flattering though this may be to the underdeveloped egos of my countrymen, I feel as though it may, in the final analysis, do us a disservice. Ms Burnett make a number of dubious observations that to those of us who are familiar with Canadian politics (I'm of course referring to ex-pats such as myself, as to the rest of the world this subject must seem as interesting as watching paint dry!) simply do not ring true.

For instance, her assertion that the Canadian media does not concern itself with the “latest shootouts in cities such as Fallujah and Basra" is

patently false to anyone who reads the Canadian newspapers regularly.

Moreover, while it is true that Canadians have not been "bombarded with news of soldiers being killed", Ms Burnett should have mentioned that Canadian soldiers deployed in Afghanistan are still very much in harm’s way. Therefore, Canadians do occasionally receive tragic news about their fighting men and women overseas.

As regards, Ms Burnett's observation that "Canada staying united behind the liberal party." is highly questionable. The current prime minister, Paul Martin is a member of the liberal party and may very well have a high approval rating at the moment, but is far from beloved in Canada.

Especially since he was implicated in a massive financial scandal which is the subject of an ongoing government inquiry. It threatens to end the Liberals’ decade long virtual monopoly on power during the next federal election.

Another misleading observation that Ms. Burnett made concerns the favourable position on the war taken by other parties in Canadian politics.

Perhaps this is true of most of the minor parties but as far as the official opposition was concerned, they were in favour of the war and still are as far as I know. I mention this so that readers don't get the false impression that Canada is some magical place where people are all polite

Text 07791165837

Go on rich, pull another mangina for the boys

Make me bleeeed… everythings coming up milhouse!

Come on girls! Show us your growlers!

There is only one simon who loves the goonies and he is simon ‘the’ clode

Watch out for the llanbleddian hoare sex shows involving toothbrushes and screwdrivers for £10. That’s lidl prices!

Chris chubb. Clean up your poo room u flatfooted pikey!

Wot’s the difference between reesi’s mum & littele chef? Ones often found in lay-bys with a few truck drivers inside it, the other is little chef hannah is a lady

that people will not be interested in reading about womens’ sport but why don't you let your hair down, go a bit crazy for once and just give it a try.

Hannah Fraser, Captain of Ladies’ Football team

Another sports monkey gets a bashing...

Dear gair rhydd It’s Saturday afternoon and I am in the library trying to concentrate on some mind-numbing accounting facts that I need to learn for Monday. To put me out of my misery I go and get a copy of the new gair rhydd to keep me occupied for a while. Oh and also, as captain of the Ladies’ Football team who won the Welsh Cup on Wednesday, there is bound to be a brilliant article about the game and maybe even a back page feature along with the Mens’ Hockey team who also won.

How wrong can I be. I turn to the back page and guess what, an article about mens’ football with regards to fighting on the pitch. Great. I was a bit disappointed but considering we

sent the sports editor an article and pictures, I figure it will be on the next page. Once again I am wrong, it’s not on the next page or the page after. Not even a mention. Instead there is a comment that says ‘football catastrophe’. Wrong. It was a catastrophe for the men, not for the women.

We won 5-1 and there is not even one mention. I think maybe gair rhydd sports pages aren't actually for the students of the university but is in fact a place for the football boys to feel sorry for themselves and make themselves look big by having an article on fighting. I bet there are so many sports clubs who have never actually been mentioned in the university paper and I think this is completely wrong. After all, what have the mens’ football team achieved this year? To be honest, not a lot.

I hope whoever is in charge of Sport next year actually decides to print articles about teams other than rugby and football. You may think

... and then gives one back.

Well Hannah, as confusing as modern technology is, an email without the attachment is fairly useless. Even more useless is when I receive the email on a Thursday night when we are going to print. But forget the technicalities. As for your not-at-all boring and timeless sexism allegations, sorry that was sarcastic, they are really dull. A fact of journalism is there is such a thing as news values, and I’m sorry but the mens’ final report is going to draw far more readers and so is more newsworthy.

It’s not so much an opinion as a statement of fact. I’m sorry that this offended your female sensibilities.

Also, if I can divert your attention to the bottom of page 31, you would have seen a full hockey report.

Yours lovingly (without any sexism) Riath, Sports Editor

Letter of the week will receive two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. I hope that this can be seen as a little compensation to the Ladies’ Football Team! They will be available for collection from the gair rhydd office, on the top floor of the union building. and never disagree with each other.

In conclusion, I realise that this article was an attempt to give my country some much needed props and rest assured, this is appreciated by me and my fellow Canucks. That having been said, there is no excuse for shoddy journalism. I hope this letter will set the record straight for the handful of readers with an interest in Canadian politics who bothered to read the article.

David DesBaillets, First year and angry hoser PS. Incidentally, contrary to popular belief in this country, South Park is not Canadian!

While it’s great to offer a little constructive criticism now and again, if you think you can do better than Ms Burnett’s ‘shoddy journalism’ why don’t you try writing a piece for the Opinion and Editorial section. The editor is always looking for people with strong opinions to write 450 words on their chosen topic. If you’re good enough you might get some fan mail on the letters page. If you’re not you might get someone writing to me ripping apart an article you’ve spent hours carefully constructing.

What’s a day?

Dear gair rhydd, Having read last week’s letter from Andrew Caldicott, I feel compelled to clear my name. Of course I don’t believe that I should have an extra day off; this is something that I have made clear in an interview conducted about this issue.

In trying to explain the possible motives behind the decision, I want to point out the fact that on average women are paid less than men for doing exactly the same hours and type of work across many sectors. In reality I think that this is the real scandal, not the day off in question.

Emma Bebington, Womens’ Officer

Setting the record straight; the library speaks out Dear gair rhydd, Information Services is very aware that students need access to our libraries and services during as wide a period as possible. However we regret that it is sometimes necessary to close our libraries at times which may not suit some users.

The opening hours of all the libraries in the University tend to mirror the patterns of semester and recess. Easter Recess this year ran from Saturday March 27 to Sunday April 18 and we closed on the two weekends, April 3/4 and Easter weekend itself April 9-12. In the week between we operated for vacation hours of 8.45am to 5pm. One Library, Trevithick, was open on the weekend of the May 3/4 to accommodate the needs of one particular course.

Our current budget limits the amount of time that we can open so we aim to operate when there is likely to be the greatest demand from students and academics. We maintain semester opening hours for 13 of the 19 days of the Easter recess (excluding the four days over the Good Friday to Easter Monday period) because we know that students are likely to be completing assignments and starting their revision. For the same reason the libraries will be open for normal semester hours for the two Bank Holidays in May. We consult widely before deciding the pattern of opening so that we inconvenience the fewest number of users as possible. We also try to advertise our changing opening hours well in advance so that our users can plan their study and borrowing accordingly.

I regret very much that your correspondent feels so aggrieved. We want to assure all your readers that we take their concerns very seriously and that we will certainly take any comments or suggestions into account in our future planning.

I can be contacted on 029 20875703 or by email at nashe@cf.ac.uk should your correspondent or any of your readers wish to discuss this or any other matters relating to library provision.

Liz Nash Library Operations Manager

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - I will endeavour to print anything that I think is worthwhile, but please remember that I do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. The views expressed in these letters are not usually the views of letters desk or gair rhydd.

Jobs & Money

May 17 2004

Page 11

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

in Stand out from the crowd News brief

By Nicola York

W

ith approximately 400,000 undergraduates flooding onto the labour market each year, it is becoming increasingly hard to get a foot on the career ladder.

So how do you stand out from the thousands of people you are competing against in order to get your dream job? Many people gain work experience to prove their commitment to a certain career and there are a lucky few who get onto graduate trainee schemes. However, an increasing number of people are choosing to take second degrees in order to increase the chances of pursuing their chosen career.

There are now over 450,000 postgraduates in UK higher education institutions, studying 17,500 types of postgraduate certificates, diplomas and degrees. Many universities have diversified their methods of teaching so as to attract more students.

Methods include distance learning, part-time study, and modular courses, making further study more accessible.

But is it worth it? The high cost of funding a postgraduate degree deters many potential applicants. The fees, which average £2,870 for a one-year Masters degree, can be crippling for many people and some courses cost as much as £18,000. Living costs are also very expensive, varying greatly depending upon the individual. This has led to an increase in students living with parents while they are studying for a second degree.

Unlike undergraduate degrees, postgraduate degrees are not catered for by the Student Loans Company and sponsorship and busaries are limited. The only degree which receives automatic funding is the Postgraduate Certificate in Education (PGCE). The Research Councils and the Arts and Humanities Research Board only provide funding for 10,000

students a year, which accounts for a mere 2% of postgrads.

However, the long-term financial prospects are favourable. According to research, male postgraduates can earn 20% more than male undergraduates, and for women the news is even better with female postgraduates earning 34% more than women with only one degree.

Employment prospects are also greatly improved with 98% of 6,000 postgrads interviewed having found employment within a year of graduating.

A further degree shows employers that you are well-qualified, enthusiastic and committed. It equips students with transferable and specialised skills, training in research techniques, oral and written expression and many more useful skills. Lectures and seminars are smaller which means that students receive more individual attention.

Work is more intensive, focused and specialised. These are just a few of the benefits of studying for a second degree.

Although postgraduate courses are hard work and funding is difficult, the long-term benefits outweigh the disadvantages, and it may open doors that you didn’t know were there.

Trainee prostitutes

Time to leave?

By Anthony Proctor

P

icture it now: the relief of finishing your last exam, the hangover the morning after, the nervous wait for results, excitement when they arrive, another hangover, the sense of achievement on graduation day, lots of drinking and another record breaking hangover.

Three years gone in the blink of an eye. Three years of good times, yes, but also three years of mindnumbing lectures, soul-destroying deadlines, third world living conditions and begging for overdraft extensions. Now is the time to leave it all behind, to move out into the real world and find that challenging/fun/well-paid (delete as appropriate) new career.

But what if you don’t want to leave just yet?

In the UK over 400,000 applicants were accepted onto full-time degree courses in 2004, according to UCAS. This is all well and good, but many people having degrees is a bit like everyone having a bag of diamonds – their worth decreases.

eninto Hypervalue to buy an 80p gard ding fork but ended up buying wee er rath a and can ring killer, a wate

By Steph Eagleton my fetching pair of gloves too. Fired by ty ersi -univ post you to pen hap sehou my sm, usia Some of the things that enth ple, I could never rather freakish can be pretty bizarre. For exam in the battle. We took an for gardening, all mates joined ion pass understand my mother’s rammes like Gardener’s World and prog wind howled interest in the st beds, whil ding wee nd arou ding that stan tor. We bought gravel to cover the thank you. But a Property Doc g unable bein by s elve ours ssed arra and the rain lashed down – no emb ed to me over the although we Charlie strange transformation has happen bag even between two of us. If marsh Itch". It is to pick up a Titch thought "The we it e, stat ess bra-l her in it past year. I like to call do en Syndrome" – Dimmock can of a closely related to "The Llewellyn-Bow rly not. We had to enlist the help where you wan- we could. Clea s shop l eria dying on its mat y ousl obvi is inism fem the one you develop in d rien and making com- willing boyf der around, touching the fabrics in the living room feet in Roath. good look we have a Ground ments like "this would All this was worth it though. Now marsh Itch" Titch "The w". thro ly scattered on uard tical jacq artis blue with the Force-style back garden, pots rest in your garden. and there here ed dott les cand with is where you star t to take an inte s, bed y weather in the raised sunn ly asib g on my unfe typin the here ng sit duri I ted t).

It star lue’s fines ce a difference in (again, Hyperva shrubs and the iring adm n, have August last year. I star ted to noti little our people’s gardens, I laptop in from myself. Gazing wistfully at other l flowers. This is as far removed er displays and pots of colourfu flow the function in ur main the n whe ible, poss noted their use of colo as life with hanging bas- my previous But became envious of those houses something to steal things from. to make me feel of a garden was ted star right someen feels It . care ’t don I t? kets outside. Our gard wha s d-choked earth and do you know depressed whenever I saw its wee erned about the state of my marigold ing and pristine how, to be conc deck d woo of compost. hard bag new a ng buyi ing grey concrete. I craved ider cons colour and lush- and to be ressions that seem turf, raised flower beds, bursting with It’s another of those natural prog e. don be to ntly. rece lot greenery. Something had a ing e myself. I went to be happen That’s when I really began to scar

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Postcards from the Real World

Whether you are starting to feel that you want something more than a degree, or maybe the chance to push yourself that little bit harder, or even if you just want to postpone getting a real job, there are people out there who once-upon-a-time felt just like you. You might not notice them in the libraries, corridors, bars and cafes, but the postgrads are out there. Cardiff University offers almost as many postgraduate courses as it does undergraduate courses.

They are offered in every subject you could possibly have spent the last three years studying and in many more that you didn’t. PhDs, MAs, MScs, PG Diplomas, PGCEs are all there for the taking. Studying for a further degree gives you the chance to ask more questions, discover more answers and generally live the dream a little longer.

If any of this tempts you then ask your tutors what’s on offer, request a postgraduate prospectus, or track down a postgrad and ask them what it’s really like. At worst you’ll waste an hour. At best you’ll find a new direction that will change the rest of your life.

“It’s just a job.

Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand.

I just beat people up” Muhammad Ali

Money Talks “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket” Frank Hubbard

Work experience and trainee posts for students have to be offered in German brothels if they want to stay open. The coalition government has agreed upon a draft bill which states that all companies with more than 10 members of staff must provide work experience and training places. Brothels do not escape these rules.

As prostitution is apparently not strictly a profession (tell that to the girls at Abigails), the Education Ministry says that the work experience should be for people working alongside the prostitutes ie. waiters and marketing staff.

Imagine the CVs: one weeks work experience in sales and marketing at Abigails massage parlour – involved touting for customers, handing out flyers for special offers (two girls for the price of one), and general whoring. I learnt many valuable lessons about how to sell myself to potential buyers, presentation skills (skirts no longer than 4 inches) and manual skills (how to put on a condom with my teeth).

A bar too far

A woman paid £2,131.20 for the entire stock of Mars bars at a Woolworths in London. The store was offering five bars for a pound, when the shopper bought 10,656 of the chocolate bars. Her chauffeur loaded 220 boxes of bars into a black stretch limo. The manager said: "The woman didn’t say why she wanted so many. She may have been going abroad where Mars bars are difficult to get."

Or maybe she wanted to see whether death by chocolate was actually possible.

Robbed opportunity

A bankrobber was told he had no talent for crime by a judge, who advised him to go straight. The robber waited outside the bank he was going to rob before it opened for the day. He was dressed in shorts, a t-shirt and a woollen hat.

He attracted attention not only due to his bizarre outf it, but also because he spent three hours plucking up the courage to go inside the bank.

When he finally entered the bank he pulled the hat over his face and couldn’t see because he’d cut the eyeholes in the wrong place. He then threatened a cashier with a pistol-shaped lighter. She told him to leave and he took her advice. He was arrested by police officers who were waiting outside.

The judge said "You’d better give up robbing banks. You are clearly untalented for the job."

If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Media

Page 12

May 17 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The opposites of sex

Media gave two lucky writers the chance to get into the brains of the opposite sex by sitting them down with a load of lad mags and girly bibles. Here’s what they thought...

By Will Dean Media Correspondent

By Bec Storey Deputy Media Editor

W

hen I was asked to write a women’s perspective on men’s magazines, I jumped at the offer.

Finally a chance to try and understand what the hell you men see in these magazines.

First magazine thrust in my direction was FHM. I had a preconception of what I would be faced with and sadly FHM didn’t let me down. In fact, it’s safe to say it went way past what I expected.

The front page included tempting articles such as; “It’s just that your sister’s…thinner” and “Upgrade your girlfriend”.

I flicked my way to the ‘Upgrade your girlfriend’ article. It continued to ask: "Missus not up to scratch? Trade her in for a better model." FHM generously went on to offer: "50 ways to dump your girlfriend," including ‘Crap on her head’ and "Tell her she’s fat. She’ll either dump you or get an eating disorder…either way you win."

So thanks FHM for your sparkling contributions to domestic violence and eating disorders.

One article that caught my eye was ‘Sexiest Uni 2004’. This month happened to be Cardiff University’s turn.

FHM organised a party in Solus, published the pictures, then told lads what courses have the best male to female ratio; obviously vital statistics to check out before going to uni (and just if you’re wondering, Philosophy will give you the best odds lads, but don’t all go changing at once).

FHM also seems to have a rather nasty disease that leaves them only able to use slang and shortened words; "Ask the Bender" and "Ask the Honey" are regular features, along with ‘Missus’ appearing to be a favourite. Good to know equality and respect are still going strong.

FHM and Zoo also gave me an insight into why men tell such bad jokes; "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef" (Zoo). Really boys, they’re not good.

With Zoo there’s just not much you can say. It’s trash and everything I thought it would be. What can you expect from a magazine called Zoo? Despite this, I found it hard to hate this magazine. I felt quite sorry for the teenage lads that save their pocket money to buy this. It’s just gossip and teasing photos.

The issue that I looked at promised: "Britney’s first naked video! X-rated pics." You’d see more flesh if you brought a copy of Heat and looked at the celebs on the beach.

When I came to GQ I was on a roll.

What could I find in this to criticise, ridicule and generally dislike? But I was actually surprised.

A

There were interesting articles and fashion pages that you boys really would do well to look at. It even has a politics section with an interview with Michael Howard. It’s like the male equivalent of Cosmopolitan.

I was slightly disturbed when I turned the page to see Carol Vorderman in suspenders and scarily resembling a china doll. Is this really what men want?

So after my hours of enlightening reading I can safely conclude Zoo isn’t even worth worrying about, but if men want to waste their money on it, more fool them. There are more naked women in Cosmo. Another thing I decided was that

FHM should be ceremoniously burnt, and that I was jealous of the male models in GQ. Why waste them on lads’ magazines?.

Men, sadly, don’t have a good selection of magazines. If you’re not a beer drinking, football crazed, party goer then what’s on offer for you? Surely there is more to men than this, or is this just wishful thinking by me?

lthough it took me about a week to prise them out of the hands of my girlfriend, I finally managed to sit down to read the bloody things. I expected a barrage of look like ‘Carrie bleedin’ Bradshaw’ tips. Lots of clothes, men and if I was lucky, a little female nudity (one can hope).

First up was pocket sized Glamour with Rachel Stevens naked on the front cover. It doesn’t seem so bad. After the first chapter of adverts there appear to be lots of celebrities in very small dresses at a variety of awards evenings.

Although this appealed to the red-blooded male in me so far, so Heat. Then there’s a little feature that uses mobile phones as a metaphor for sex. Hilarious.

Loaded may be blatant, but at least it doesn’t pussy-foot around the subject (pun intended). My favourite was a hidden little feature which gave suggestions of male possessions that women could make them give up to afford £100 lingerie.

As the title may suggest the whole bloody thing appears to be about diets, make up and clothes. Or at least celebrities and their make-up, diets and clothes. This was supposedly Glamour’s ‘Body Issue’ so a little slack can be given. But do we really, really need to know what Rachel Stevens eats for her breakfast (Frosties, by the way)? I couldn’t even bring myself to endure the tedium of reading about what tanning pastes work best.

If this is what girls are really interested in then I suppose Glamour wasn’t too bad. There were some readable articles, the political cheerleaders (bringing pom-pom to the abortion debate in a town near you) and Derren Brown’s male mindreading techn i q u e s ( s c a r y thought). If this is "Britain’s No1 W o m e n ’ s Magazine", as it claims, surely the competition can’t be that strong.

Next up: Cosmopolitan.

These magazines smell worryingly nice. I’d use them as air freshener but people may talk. Aargh,

more make-up.

I can’t hack this. Where are the problem pages?

Celebrity style? It’s all the same thing, a vortex of adverts for shampoo and bad film reviews. Do you ladies really need Alicia Keys to give you life advice? Ooh, a poem, how lovely and sensitive. But what’s this? An investigation into cybersex. Is it cheating? Is it a bit of good fun? Does anyone care? What’s that? No? Oh. I figured Cosmo to be the female equivalent of FHM but its pretty much Glamour, only bigger.

Actually, I lie; Cosmopolitan does contain an awful lot of sex. A bit more sex, and then, make up

and clothes. Not that I’m complaining, I mean, a misguided male like myself relishes the chance to sneak inside the female mindset.

Apparently, when men go silent, it’s not because they are thinking but because they can, unlike women, sit there without a thought in their head. As much as I’d like to propagate this myth, I’ll give you a hint ladies: it’s because we’re really mentally picking our Championship Manager team for the big match against Mansfield. Maybe that’s just me.

Maybe the content of Cosmopolitan goes over my head. Well not the sex part, although most of that does goes over my head. Like Glamour the juicy bits are diluted by a heavy (by this I mean clinically obese) mixture of clothes and body lotions and things that I cannot and do not want to understand, far less read about.

Finally I came to 19, which looks like it is aimed at a younger audience than Cosmo. Although it contains the same kind of features as Cosmopolitan the content seems to be more aimed at the 14-17 age-group.

My fears that I was reading a tweenie bible were confirmed by a three page spread on Busted. Although I found it fascinating to read about Charlie’s Pimms habit I was slowly losing hope of finding something to really interest me. Yet there it was, an interview with Peter ‘Insania’ Andre. It touches my heart to see the "real king of the jungle" help us with a variety of astute intellectual observations such as "I still don’t understand feet" and "I love John Grisham books!"

The feature on ‘film star’ Paris Hilton, and the Inquirer section were a little of reminiscent of Heat, although, unlike Heat’s readership I imagine. 19 is a good quick read (placing myself in the shoes of a 16 year old girly).

However, the reviews section did give Big Brovaz the same rating as The Streets, which is an unforgivable crime in anybody’s book.

So if I were forced to choose one of the three under gunpoint (an unlikely scenario I admit), it would be girl’s favourite, Cosmo. Mainly because it was the only one interesting enough to keep my attention with lots of talk about sex. Well, I am male.

Take the leap

and cover your travels with us.

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just 41p a day.

You want to make the most of your travels. So get Direct Line’s backpacker travel insurance. It’s designed with students in mind. So whether it’s a bungee jump, white water rafting, scuba diving, elephant trekking or temporary casual work that you want to do, you’ll find you’re covered by us.

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0800 072 8321 or 01443 234 400 ARE YOU A HEALTHY VOLUNTEER? Do you have spare time to help in the research and development of better medicines? Are you generally healthy, over 18 and not taking any regular medication?

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WOULD YOU LIKE TO RECEIVE A PAYMENT FOR THE TIME THAT YOU TAKE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DEVELOPMENT OF MEDICINES? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you may be suitable to participate in studies at Marix at our new unit in Llantrisant, near to the Royal Glamorgan Hospital.

We will send you an information leaflet and answer questions about becoming a volunteer.

Five minute fun

Page 14

May 17 2004

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Half-Arsed Quiz 1. What is the only word in the English language which does not contain any vowels?

2. Which photographer captured Paul Simonon smashing his bass on stage in New York City?

3. What is the name of the bacteria that causes Tetanus?

4. Who made the album L’Histoire De Melody Nelson?

5. Al Oer ter won four Olympic golds in which spor t?

6. Who directed the fabulous Goodfellas?

7. Who played the lead in Strictly Ballroom?

8. Who is Royston Langdon married to? hint: she has a rock n roll papa.

9. How long were Nicholas Cage and Lisa MArie Priestley married for?

10. What shampoo does Melanie Sykes adver tise? (I’m really scraping the barrel here!)

1. rhythm 2. Pennie Smith (rock n roll leg end) 3. Clostridium Tetani 4. Serge Gainsbourg 5.

Discus 6. Mar tin Scorses 7. Paul Mercurio 8. Liv Tyler 9.Three months and fiftenn days (thats only slightly more than Britney was married to that minger for) 10. Head and Shoulders.

Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as its less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Tiebreaker: What animal would you choose to be reincarnated as, and why? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last weeks winner: Michael Peck, as I too am practising the art of shoe hurling.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

***************** JOKE CORNER ******************* From the day of their wedding, Tracy had been nagging her husband about his past.

‘Come on, tell me’ she asks again, ‘how many women have you slept with?

‘Baby if I told you, you’d just get angry’ he says.

‘No I promise I wont’ she begs ‘Well if you insist. Let’s see.

One...Two...Three...Four...You...Six...Seven I’m allowed to keep this blinder in and not get offended, cos I am blonde (and its natural, despite what people may think!!)

A blonde walks into a library.

‘Excuse me, can I have a burger and large fries please?’ she demands.

Tutting the librarian looks back at her.

‘Miss’ he says, ‘this is a library’ The blonde leans over the counter, ‘I’m sorry’ she whispers ‘Can I have a burger and large fries please?

Did you hear about the shortsighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

Two buckets of sick are out for a walk, when one of them starts crying.

‘Whats the matter?’ asks the other bucket.

‘I was brought up down that alley’ replies the second bucket.

Whats grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine.

THE MEN COMMANDMENTS I. I promise to remember every anniversary, espe-

cially our first date.

II. When you ask ‘How do I look?’ I will answer with ‘You take my breath away...as always’ III. I will never again try to initiate sex during Will and Grace. Its not big and its not clever IV. A woman can never own too many pairs of shoes.

V. I will not moan about missing the footie on a Saturday night, to visit your parents.

VI. A womans driving is never less than average VII. I understand that finding the perfect outfit, can take all day shopping...

VIII. ...days in fact IX. The perfect date is not the pub, followed by a trip to the kebabie X. I will not get jealous when you swoon over ickle Den, all the time. I appreciate a good lookin fella!

Free Stuff

May 17 2004

Page 15

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Apologies for the absence of grab! in the last two issues, I was kidnapped by the Official Competitions Investigation Society (Letters 761) and tortured to within an inch of my life, but they ain’t got nothing on me. In fact it was downright rude of them to interrupt my all-expenses-paid holiday in St. Lucia courtesy of Ryanair (I merely forgot to advertise it).

Anyway, grab’s back and more generous than ever. We’ve got some great competitions coming up in the next few weeks – watch this space for the chance to win clothes vouchers, theme park tickets, more alcohol, the services of Elisha Cuthbert for a week, a Silver Playstation 2 and V2004 tickets (and only one of that list was made up). We’ve also got plenty of prizes cluttering the office waiting to be collected, so check the Post-match Analysis Extra below (including results of the Bumper Dublin quiz) to see if you’re one of the lucky ones. To enter competitions on this page, drop your answers into my pigeonhole (fourth floor of union) on the back of a postcard, slip of paper or £50 note, or send your answers to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. Oh, and good luck.

Towering above the competition

W

hen grab! were asked to advertise Alton Towers’ great new student offer and tell you about a fantastic competition to win a 10 year pass to Britain’s number one theme park it seemed only fair to you as loyal readers that we made sure the place was suitable for your discerning tastes and demanded a day out rigorously test-driving the rides, critically assessing the performance of the staff and making sure the entertainment was, well, entertaining enough.

They obliged, the good-natured folk that they are, and invited grab! to join the celebrations as the park re-opened to coincide with the 10th birthday of Nemesis.

After hurtling in my trusty Ford Fiesta up the M5 at the near terminal velocity of 70mph, the wind pounding at my face through the semi-open passenger window, and roaring around corners in the village of Alton, quite possibly hitting the 1.5 G-Force mark, I knew Nemesis, apparently ‘the world’s most intense ride’ would have to go some to thrill me.

So at 10am on an unusually warm March day my grab! compatriot and I braved the Forbidden Forest (we’re not afraid to break the rules) and joined a queue of two dozen other journalists ready to be violently thrown about like rotten vegetables at a Michael Barrymore comeback gig.

Standing in the queue, staring into

the blood-red water flowing over the bed of black rocks took me back ten years to 1994 and to the petrified face of an 11-year-old (but wise beyond his years) staring back at me.

It was the year politics went back to basics, women went boldly forward with the wonderbra eruption, we all made Friends with six slightly irritating but oddly endearing strangers, and Alton Towers delivered Europe’s first multi-inversion, 80km per hour, suspended steel rollercoaster that would be the first ride to reach 4.5 G-force, the mark only astronauts and jet pilots had previously experienced.

As the shoulder rest jolted into place, abruptly ending my trip down memory lane, and the Darth Vaderlike voice warned us of the perils ahead, I realised what was missing.

No tenth birthday party is complete without jelly and ice cream and the organisers really missed a trick not handing it out to enjoy during the ride – it would have made the souvenir photos worth the money at least!

Regardless of this minor disappointment, Nemesis was as exhilarating as it had been for the nervous child 10 years ago. A decade on, it is still a unique experience that no other theme park I’ve been to around

the world has matched and only Alton Towers has managed to equal with the altogether different experience of Air. Excitably jumping from Nemesis to Air, to Oblivion, to the Black Hole, to the Corkscrew, the Log Flume, Ripsaw’s Revenge, the Rapids, Squirrel Nutty’s Adventure (er…) and back to Nemesis, I realised you’re never to old to appreciate the magic of Alton Towers. In fact the only disappointment was that the new ride for 2004, Spinball Wizard, which mixes fairground waltzers with the rollercoaster experience, turning you into a human pinball, seemed to be experiencing technical problems every time we joined the queue. It obviously takes a while to perfect that winning formula!

But of course no theme park day out is complete without winning a giant ugly cuddly toy and I made it my mission to take one home.

Having failed miserably at basketball (I’m sure those baskets are smaller than the balls), lost my temper at the limp-wristed metal grabber claw machine and thrown hoops everywhere about the park except for over bottle tops, I was on

“The giant green dinosaur was mine. I was a prince among small children”

Shocking!

T

he UK’s no 1 shooter brand After Shock has created a night of fun and frolics coming to the the verge of despair. Until I saw union soon!! With special 2-for-1 Dino Derby. offers on the sensational formula, ‘Someone wins every round!’ the you and your mates will be partying camp supervisor shouted. That’s my sort of game. I checked out the com- all night. With three distinct petition in the other lanes. They were flavours - Hot and Cool Cinnamon, Sensationally Hot and Deep Cool amateurs, none over eight, their you’re sure to find a flavour for you. mums by their side willing the balls Led by Johnny Sensation and his two into the holes. They wanted the prize (a giant green dinosaur) just as badly glamorous assistants, the After Shock crew will be keeping you entertained as I did, but I was sure they lacked with a series of in-bar games. Laugh at the big game pressure and would your mates, when bow to my superior wrist power (I they drink After use training they haven’t even disShock dispensed covered yet). So when my dinosaur in lane 2 came in inches ahead of the from a cow’s udder and then try to small ginger kid in lane 4 the giant win a prize with green dinosaur was mine! No child the mysterious screaming or mother staring disapCow of Chance. provingly at me could lessen my Watch your sense of elation. I was prince among friends down small children.

Which is exactly what a day out at an After Shock and Alton Towers does to you. It makes you feel young again. And I’m all for then step up onto a it. vibrating plate while trying to keep three giant bottles of So, to win eternal youth (until After Shock upright. you’re 30 anyway), check out Combined with a high-energy dance www.altontowers.com/decadeoffer sound track this is one night you won’t for your chance to win a 10 year want to forget! So come down to the pass to the park. The site also lets After Shock event to transform your you downlaod a student voucher to night! get you into the park for just £15.

For your chance to get your hands on a Everyone’s a winner! bottle of After Shock and kick start your night, simply answer the following question: How many different After Shock flavours are there?

WIN! FRIENDS

By not being such a miserable fuck. You only live once. Lighten up you stuffy git, you’re not the only one with exams. You give me the anger. Seriously. grab! editor Leigh nearly loses his head in the excitement.

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS EXTRA Remember the bumper quiz from issue 760? Below are the long-awaited answers. Check your back issue - you’ll kick yourselves! The winners follow.

ANSWERS: Media: 1. Rebekah Wade, 2. William Randolph Hearst, 3. Sky News, 4. Jayson Blair, 5. Tom Wellington. Film: 6. David Carradine, 7. 11, 8. Ocean’s Eleven, 9. His childhood sled (a symbol of his youth), 10. Tim Burton. Music: 11. Liverpool, 12. Outkast, 13. Snow Patrol, 14. Incubus. Gay: 15. Stonewall, 16. Club X, 17. Dr Joan Roughgarden. Sport: 18. Gerd Muller, 19. Magdalena Grzybowska, 20.

David Campese, 21. Shoaib Akhtar. News: 23. The fire alarm accidentally triggered at Come Play, causing chaos, 24. £141,000, 25. Department of Optometry and Vision Services, 26. Must like rugby, schoolgirls dressed in traditional uniforms, the smell of freshly baked Welsh cakes, getting plastered on St. David’s Day, wears daffodils ... (the list goes on), 27. Bristol University. Arts: 28. Grayson Perry, 29.

A "little girl" style frock, petticoats, lacy ankle socks and red Mary Jane shoes, 30. Mike Briscoe, 31. Market Road, 32. Gary Owen, 33. Bouncing Back, 34. Charles Ingram, 35. Yes, if you’re either Lucy Edwards or Nicola Tanner, who each win a pair of return flights to Dublin, the lucky gets. Well done to them (both got 34/35). Thanks for everyone else who entered. I hope it was an enriching experience and you didn’t totally waste your time.

Pro-Plus Comp: Answer: 100mg. Winner Anna Hubbart. James Bond, Everything or Nothing comp: Answer: Willem Dafoe. Winner: Robbie Lane. Answers and winners to March 22 issue to be published next week (I’ve got an essay to write!). All winners will be notified by email when their prizes are ready for collection.

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Listings

Page 18

May 17 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday17/05

Tuesday18/05

Wednesday19/05

Thursday20/05

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS).

Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Showcase 2004 @ Barfly White Noise + Ten Men Wide + Starski Showcase 2004 is gathering momentum. So far an impressive array of talent has been demonstrated and media coverage is ever increasing. For those that don't know, Showcase 2004 is a weekly event at the Barfly which aims to showcase the best of local talent £4 adv, doors 7.30pm Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Jetson, Vibration White Finger, Orang-utan Newly signed to TBA Records, Jetson have been together for a few years and released their debut E.P 'Social Hand Grenades' in April. The band have left their native Newcastle for a 22 date tour to support their E.P. They have already been played on Radio 1 and name-dropped in magazines, catch them now!

8.00pm £5

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm. Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm £2.50 (NUS).

Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry.

Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

Open Mic Night @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal Setting with open mic sessions from 8pm til 12.20am. £1 from 9pm.

SOUL MOTION @ Moloko Heavy Funk, Raw Soul, Tamla Motown, Dancefloor Jazz, Boogaloo. Bar open till 2am,Cocktails £2.95, shots from £1, free entry. 8pm-2am Live @ St. David’s Hall Julie Murphy and Dylan Fowler Level 3 Bar Equisite melodies and the passion of Welsh song feature in this Roots Unearthed concert. Ancient Welsh music is stripped to its bare essentials of passion, emotion and haunting melody and is recreated with stunning results by singer Julie Murphy and guitarist Dylan Fowler.

The group's recent CD Ffawd includes rare material alongside more familar songs presented in a new way.

7:00pm £8.00 Live @ Barfly Viking Skull, The Keytones, Shaped By Fate Doors: 8:00pm, £5 adv.

Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm.

Free. Express @ Barfly Hip Hop Extra feat Little Miss (live) £4 adv, doors 9pm All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! What more could you want?

9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Bring and Play @ The model inn 19th May sees 'Bring and Play' celebrate its first birthday. Originally hatched as a platform for all and sundry to display their musical tastes, Bring and Play has gone on to provide an outlet for Music Lovers, Record collectors and bedroom DJs alike. The set up is simple, The gear is provided, (Decks, CD players and Mixers). You bring some music (all genres welcome, absolutely anything goes) grab a 15min slot from the running order and then bang on your tunes. Techinical advisors are on hand to help with using the gear, and all records played are meticulously recorded in a book (and Online) so that any record you like the sound of can be easily bought (or downloaded!). The beauty of Bring and Play is that if the music is not to your taste, all you need do is sit tight, and wait for the Next DJ to come along. Its first come, first served so get their early, the fun starts at 7.30, and as it's a birthday party, expect plenty of giveaways! ring and Play website Mekwae @ The Sherman A fiery reggae dance infusion exploring reggae dance from a culturally diverse perspective. 7:30 Tickets: £12, Reductions £10

Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS).

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after.

Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am.

Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

Live @ Barfly Halo Hailing from bristol, Halo, a four piece band consisting of brothers Graeme and Iain Moncrieff, Jim Davey, and Steve Yeomans, armed with their own unique blend of maelstrom and melody, look set to clear the dust that has settled on the music scene of late.

With an album (produced by Al Clay) in the can, two successful EP's, and a string of tour dates, Halo have firmly stamped their mark on the music industry. After brushing aside early comparisons with Muse and Radiohead (Hey! Those surely aren’t bad comparisons.), Halo have instilled their unique sound into the hearts of many. Combining angelic vocals with often dark, intense lyrics, the music is emotive and refreshing. £5 adv, doors 7.30pm Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Sal, The Apparatus, White Noise.

The current Sal line up formed in 2001. Since then they have supported Reef, Dodgy and The Crockets among others. This is a rare outing for the band as they are currently holed up in the studio, trying to complete their debut album. White Noise are busy little bees this week, catch them in Barfly on Monday if you can’t make it tonight.

8.00pm £4

Friday21/05

Saturday22/05

Sunday23/05

CinemaWeek

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative.

Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds.10.30pm-2am £3.

Live @ Barfly Speedway £5 adv, doors 7.30pm Sumo @ Clwb Ifor Bach Sumo presents: Rennie Pilgrem, General Midi 10.00pm Making Tracks Live @ St. David’s Hall BBC National Orchestra of Wales and CBBC presenters. A live and interactive concert especially suitable for families conducted by Grant Llewellyn. Get to know the BBC National Orchestra of Wales and hear some of the most exciting music ever written, including the theme to Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and the 1812 Overture. You'll have the chance to meet players from BBC NOW, as well as the hosts, Adrian and Angellica, and join in with the concert by singing, clapping and even conducting the orchestra. Find your inner child. 7:00pm Adults £5.00 Linda Smith @ The Shertman "Supremely well-observed comedy" - The Observer. Comedian and writer Linda Smith has created an exhilarating evening of sparkling entertainment for connoisseurs of stand-up comedy. A warm and witty performer Linda's show blends the topical with the personal, the political with the surreal and silly. Tickets: £13, Reductions £10 Dracula @ The Sherman Bram Stoker's masterpiece probes deeply into questions of human identity and sanity illuminating dark corners of Victorian sexuality and desire. 21 May - 29 May 8:00pm (NB.No performances on the 23rd & 24th) Tickets: £7, Reductions £5,

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco.

10:30pm11 Free with flyer. £1 after 11 with flyer Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Loudaphone, Last Man Standing, White Rabbit. Loudaphone formed in Brighton at the end of 2002, since then they have recorded two demo CD's and played shows across the country. If their recently recorded demo "Calling The Lonley" is anything to go by it should be one hell of a show! 8.00pm. £4/3 The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso. Doors: 11.30pm £3 (NUS).

Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm.

Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am.

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Residents return, ‘QUATTRO’ the clubs’ very own 7 piece funk ensemble. Featuring the talents of Diva Dionne and MC Funki Dregz. Lions on the decks and Krissy downstairs in the lounge. Scassa Monakee @ The Toucan Live Drum and Bass The weekend alternative @ The Engine Rooms every two weeks!

Retro, cheese, indie, funk, britpop, disco, rock, dance, electro and MORE...!

9 PM till 2 AM. 80p a double + mixer! (does this remind you of anywhere else…?) £3.50 with NUS Shuttle Buses will be running after the club, Shuttling into the city c entre at £1.00 per person. (OK I can forgive them for the stolen doubles price- this is a fantastic idea!)

Will Young @ St. David’s Hall Console yourselvesthere are no tickets available.

Live @ BarflySouldriver, The Sheer Shock Revival, The Empty Res

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team.

This quiz has a new name but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is. YOu’ll have to make do with ‘Who wants to be a clever Dick’ until hell freezez over and someone bothers to send me an email to correct my distressing error.

Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry.

Live @ Barfly Marshmallow £6 adv, doors 7pm Where does this bit go? @ Chapter Arts Centre A showcase event presenting short original devised works from graduating students from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama. A one-off chance to see some strange, funny and sad pieces from raw acting talent. 7.30pm £3.50 Last Chance @ Chapter Arts Centre It’s the last day of the current exhibition: Shizuka Yokomizo – Distance.

The focus of Yokomizo’s photography and video work is the gap between self and other; the ineffable space that exists between "me" and "you". The object of the artist’s scrutiny is almost always a single isolated human being, but her own presence is always also implicated in this process of re-presentation, as, subsequently, is the viewer’s. The terms of the encounter between the artist and her "participant" are meticulously constructed, and it is the nature of this relationship that defines the resulting image. Thus, in contrast to the merciless "stare" of documentary photography, Yokomizo’s images reproduce a strong sense of reciprocity, and an awareness of one’s own presence in relation to another.

Chapter Arts Centre

Northfork The story of Northfork concerns a small town in 1955 that is being evacuated because a new dam has been completed and the valley will soon be flooded. A young boy named Irwin, too ill to be moved, lies dying in an orphanage, imagining that he is freely moving outdoors as Father Harlan tends to him. Meanwhile, a group of employees of the company who built the dam travel from house to house attempting to persuade the last few stubborn residents to pack up and leave. Fri: 18:15 The Cremaster Cycle Sculptor and performance artist Matthew Barney spent the best part of a decade making the five films which make up the Cremaster Cycle, one of the most imaginative and visionary achievements in recent cinema. Fri: Cremaster 4+1 8.15pm, Sat: Cremaster, 5+2 8.30pm, Sun: Cremaster 4+1 2.30pm, Cremaster 5+2 4.15pm, Cremaster 3 7.00pm Earth with live accompaniment by Jan Kopinski and Ghost Music. One of the last and best films of the pre-sound era, Earth is a beautiful, lyrical celebration of Ukranian peasants in the process of collectivisation, drawing together themes of the earth’s fruitfulness, rebirth, life, love and death. The Haunted Mansion An estate agent and his family find themselves stranded in a creepy, crumbling haunted house.Can they break the mansion’s curse before the clock strikes thirteen? Sat: 15:00 At Five in the Afternoon Samira Makhmalbaf’s third feature, awarded the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes in 2003, is set in post Taliban Afghanistan, and tells the story of Noqreh, a young woman who believes passionately that her gender should be no bar to her becoming the president of her country. Starting small, by campaigning to be school president, her initial optimism and determination are uplifting to observe, but the realities and harshness of contemporary Afghanistan begin to bear down upon her spirit. Fri, Sat, Sun: 18:30

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Matt’s Problem Page

Page 20

May 17 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : I live with Owain Griffiths you know

Problem of the Week Lippy Dear Matt, I seem to have developed a facial tic which halts me from getting anywhere with the ladies. Unfortunately they have become quite offended by my upper lip, which sometimes protrudes at rapid speed, and makes a kind of whooshing noise. Could you perhaps issue some advice upon how to stop myself from doing this, as it is perturbing me? I can’t really say much else, so am going to let you reply now.

Anon, first year Peculiar that you assume I know how to approach your problem. I would also be distressed by a whooshing upper lip, moreover if it was labia-esque and frothed. I recommend a stationery retailer, as their stationery is often mostly stable, and less liable to move around on the desk. In the sta-

Obsession Dear Matt, I have really fallen for a female friend of mine that already has a boyfriend whom she thinks the world of. I have made it clear to her how I feel but she rejected me for the asshole of a bloke she has. Now we still see each other in a friendship capacity; however she thinks I have taken her rejection and moved on, as though nothing has happened, but the truth is I still feel exactly the same about her. I was wondering if you could give me some advice to convince her to ditch the current bloke she is with and be with me?

tionery retailer, one should purchase a roll of "sticky back plastic" and a medium-to-high quality stapler. This should not be a novelty stapler, as they are of pitiful quality and are only fun for stapling paper. Taking a short time to prepare the spastic lip - using a saline solution and a cotton bud - you must then attempt a risky manoeuvre known to the Backstreet Abortion Clinics as "making a small incision in one’s lip in order to re-attach it."

Usually reserved for vagina maintenance, after a botched operation, this will ensure that your protracted lip will not wibble at people at will, as it will be firmly secured to your gum. The adhesive strip will then protect the wound and make it appear that you have a crazy new piercing.

Any residual "whooshing" can be disclaimed as a trendy hole in your mouth, and when it heals you may be able to spurt saliva at oncoming pedestrians and/or approaching ladies.

My Fan: 1

Dear Master Matt, My flatmate is completely mad about you and your “Problem’s Page". The first thing she does when she gets gair rhydd is read your page. Sometimes with me and we always have a good laugh –you’re great, you wicked bastard.

The problem is that she’s an Erasmus student and is soon going back to her country. I know she won’t be able to live without you.

She thinks you look like Brad Pitt.

But that’s stupid because she’s never seen a photo of you.

Wouldn’t it be a nice farewell keepsake for her if you published your face in the paper? And by the way, is there any possibility to read your page on the internet?

Your second greatest fan

*Not to say that I condone such underhand tactics, or have tried it for myself. It would be logical to assume that excess consumption of said drink would produce similar results, but at a greater expense and heightened risk of being caught/vomited on.

Matt

Chris, third year

Matt

Me. As photographed by a photographer about to get his photography equipment placed where even Flash Photograph can’t photograph.

You do realise the consequences of this occasion, don’t you? (Other than the photographer no longer being able to carry out his occupation as photographer.)

Matt

Today, young Christopher, I like flow diagrams. Observe: Pharmacy > Pharmaceutical products > Pub > Vodka and coke* > Rope > Bed > Kitchen knife > Small toe > Blackmail letter (with toe) > Boyfriend fraught with terror > Boyfriend leaves Cardiff > Hypnotism sessions > Rehabilitation > New found happiness avec girl.

As I’m a hermit, I don’t know if you’ll be able to read this on the internet next year. Seems plausible, but I don’t know. All you get from the internet is videos of people having their heads lopped off, bit of a laugh. I don’t look like Brad Pitt. I also feel somewhat frightened at the ‘Master’ business, and revealing my identity would probably lead to firebombs and so on. Having fans is also distressing, even if there is only two of you. I suppose I can make an exception in this case, however, but no, I don’t want your telephone number. Crap this week anyway, I’ve eaten too many paracetemol with my tea. They don’t make much of a substitute for white pepper, they taste a tad earthy.

My Fan: the horrific sequel Master Matt, I’m starting to be worried about my flatmate. As last week there wasn't your page, she has been staring at the paper completely in shock for hours and counting page by page to see if her edition was wrong. What happened?

I can't live with such kind of person without her weekly session of your problems page!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Go easy mate, I’m not that important - Matt)

Your second greatest fan Due to unforeseen circumstances involving a Taiwanese prostitute and a beach, I was unable to produce my page. I am flattered by your kind interest in my well-being, but am mostly concerned with your second email in consecutive weeks, which has left me shivering like a well groomed Eskimo without his cute little coat. Deport her, with a packet of crisps. I hold no responsibility for any instances of wall bashing, and more importantly, I don’t actually give a piss.

Matt

Handy Tip of the Week Do some revision you fat slob.

Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise you fat twat. Revise revise revise revise revise. Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise revise revise Revise revise revise until your face falls off.

You know the drill, something to do with summer and exams. Plenty of reasons to whine to me about – but don’t worry, I sort of enjoy it really. Unless you want to see my face, in which case I scowl at you with venomous eyes. Van Helsing is shite, by the way. grproblempage@cf.ac.uk

CBBC is currently in a pre-

carious position. Those tuning in to Neighbours at 5.31pm in eager anticipation may well enjoy the pleasant lady who does Newsround. Suddenly, after those oh-so-21st century titles waffle away, we are then greeted with something far more sinister.

Something so disgusting and vile that our children are being coerced in to thinking is cool.

Something yellow, and sporadically spiked. Something that cannot stand up straight, and something that has occasionally done something in another children’s television programme.

So, why has the Beeb stooped so low? Obvious connections to deficit in flagship celebrities (see: Parkinson, Terry Wogan, Des Lynam) mean absolutely piss-all, but I’m going to mention them purely because a) I can, and b) I have no more problems this week and am forced to construct an essay around said topic.

Nonetheless, this also gives

me reason to mention Karl Kennedy, and how he should be some kind of leading political figure. I don’t like politics me, but Karl’s new haircut deserves a vote in itself.

Anyway, upon returning to the street punk on CBBC, it would be necessary to linger on the brutal facts. Our children are being subjected to a regime of fear and distress at the hands (or pink t-shirts) of this metrosexual-cum-weightlifter-cumstick.

We must not allow this boy to sustain his position as generator of teen nostalgia in years to come, nor allow his dangerous vocabulary to seep through and saturate our childrens’ lexicon.

One cannot put one’s finger on what it is, other than an ill-proportioned head, the worst hair in the world and a strained child-snaring grin. Ben from Byker Grove (apparently called Andrew Hayden Smith), I can absolutely, unreservedly, honestly and quite justifiably fantasise about Phil Collins shooting your big fucking face off.

Fig.1: Philip demonstrates the short range potential of the Israeli manufactured Uzi 9mm

Television

May 17 2004

Page 21

pixietennis@Luckerseyes.com

Your essential guide to this week’s TV May 17-23

Tanya turns up

Old Snake-eyes is back again as the black widow of Footballers’ Wives gets banged up in Bad Girls

HOT Lorraine Kelly “As rector of D u n d e e University it was traditional I had a drink in every pub,” slurred Lorraine Kelly as she downed her absinthe and slumped against the bar.

Kelly, you’re an absolute legend.

SOAPS Sperm Wars Ooh, EastEnders is all about the sperm this week. Well, I mean to say that Ian finds out that Bobby is his, not Garry’s (with two R’s, like Rolls Royce, remember). You thought you had a vasectomy?

Well, you should never trust medics, young man. Mind you, Bobby’ll be better off in the Beale empire than he would be with lanky Laura (I mean that in the sense of her hair, for we all know that her bosom is ginormous). But she’s gone to a better place now - the bra shop in the sky, so little Bobby can learn to love the smell of rancid chip fat that he will be baptised with.

Elsewhere, in Neighbours, Lou goes off into the bush. Nice. But don’t forget that he came into the series with Annalise - you knew he was an ODB to begin with.

Never mind the boring end of Sex and the City or fatuous Friends what about Footballers’ Wives?

Well, we all knew tht the scriptwriters at ITV were cooking up something big in relation to the stash of heroin mysteriously deposited in Tanya’s bag... And here it is! Bad Girls has done silly drama proud this week, as we have a three-night special dedicated to Miss PixieTable-Tennis eyes herself. Bad Girls (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 9pm each night) was deemed to be the most ridiculous and unwatchable of the pair, what with the two Julies and the derisively scary Atkins. So now, ITV has learnt and shoehorned Tanya into the series as a serious catalyst.

On Monday, Tanya moves into G Wing in clothes fit for Tara P-T and books herself in for a prison manicure. Nice - but shouldn’t they be using those files on the bars?

Anyway, Tanya soon learns to talk the talk, but does that mean she’s safe? On Tuesday, the jailbirds start to put two and two together... No one was getting poisoned until Tanya turned up...

Tanya continues to wreak havoc in Bad Girls on Wednesday (ITV1, 9pm) as the poisonings continue, but in more traditional TV Desk fare we recommend Rob Roy (BBC1, 10.35) for the copious amounts of nookie which take place (explaining why Scots wear nothing under their kilts) and the ever excellent ER (C4, 10pm) where the lascivious Dr Pratt gets accused of groping an attractive female patient and We av e r contin-

ues to fight for custody of her child whilst trying to get over the death of her lover Sandy. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down...

I have a special mention for Derren Brown (Friday, S4C, 10.30pm/C4, 10pm). I know this series has been going for a few weeks now, but in anticipation of hs live show I can’t stop speaking his name - I’m even waking myself up doing it. So I thought I remind you that the witch-souled one is still here, getting into the psyches of those who pretend to know better (I’m speaking to you, Martin Kemp).

Bloody

amazing! It’s not trickery, camera work or special effects - I truly believe that he is simply more aware of other people, and he is my master and I shall do what he says. God help him when I go to see him!

TV Andy suggests another film pick for Saturday night with the classic John Carpenter thiller Assault On Precinct 13 (BBC2, 11.45pm).

Based around the western Rio Bravo it sees a handful of police officers trying to hold of an armed street gang who are trying to avenge the death of six of their number in a gang attack. As the night progresses and the chance of rescue decreases the film builds into a tense and emotional climax.

Assault... also boasts a classic score - the bassline of the main theme being instantly recognisable for its use in many dance records over the years including Bomb The Bass’ Megablast. Earlier on It Shouldn’t Happen to a Soap Star (ITV1, 6.20pm) might feature a special on Leslie Grantham. Brace yourself for extremely Dirty Den action.

Finally TV John rushes in after spending nine snail-paced hours writing his listings, but boy do I have a treat for you. Here it is: How Gay Is Gordon Ramsay? (Sky One Sunday 10pm). It’s basically a celebrity version of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy only with Gordon Ramsay rampaging heterosexually across the board, being judged on his “gayness” (how, exactly?) by a team of experts. Sounds shit and another way to alienate gay culture as being “different” but hey, in Gord we trust. xx

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Boosh Whacking

Thy Kingdom Come...

Dubbed ‘amazing’ by people who brought you Dot Cotton’s biscuitcrumbed flange, Janet Jackson’s jealousy of her brother’s limelight and Gash Ferreira, you really shuld pay attention to this recommendation. The Mighty Boosh (Tuesday, BBC3) show us the more mental side of zookeeping. Apart from its cracking title, this sitcom of sorts trips from one bizarre outing to the next, and features strange monsters, such as one made solely from Jiffy bags. (Well, something like that - hey, I only read the listings.) Anyway, starring Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding, the programme relies on the surreal comedy pulled from their Perrier Award winning show at Edinburgh in 1998. They go on Arctic expeditions, meet monsters made of chamois leather and sponges. You know that this is your most mad hallucination. Watch.

No matter how good Kingdom Hospital gets over the next few weeks the undoubted fact is that it will be in no way as good as the original series

by Danish auteur Lars Von Trier. With it’s gritty film, juddering camera work and unusual cutting, The Kingdom in many ways bares more resemblence to the fly on the wall action of The Office rather than the slick American production work and is all the better for it.

Tense moments which become laughable in the remake are utterly gripping and terrifying in the original - a scene becoming pant-wettingly scary involving nothing more than an old lady and a candle.

The Kingdom series one is available from all good online retailers and for those who look a bit further the even stranger second series can be yours from retailers in Denmark (http://www.dvdoo.com - search for Riget); an investment you will not regret. Both series are subtitled and have a range of extras including the hilarious talks by Von Trier himself over the end credits. Enter The Kingdom - and prepare to be scared shitless.

NOT

Trivial Pursuit Millennium Edition

Right, TV Desk aren’t all that into board games, and we remembered why, when, Bo-filled, we decided to pass our time with TP. For fuck’s sake! Q: Which buffoon made only one film? No? The answer’s Bean. BEAN!

SPORT Great week for football with both the FA Cup Final and UEFA Cup Final being played this week. First Valencia take on Marseille before Man Utd knock seven shades of shit out of Millwall before their fans return the favour outside the stadium. The first Test vs New Zealand also begins this week.

FILMS One of my favourite British films ever made gets shown on Monday C4 (12.45pm). No it’s not Bean - but the sublime Kind Hearts and Coronets where Dennis Price trys to reclaim his heritage by murdering the eight remaining members of the D’Ascoynes, all played to perfection by Alec Guinness.

RADIO Dial M for Miserable Sod That’s right! Morrissey is on the radio. He’s going to be on Radio one, unsurprisingly, and is doing a load of nasal guff all over Zane Lowe (8pm)’s ass, and also zipping around Maida Vale for a john Peel session at 10pm.

Currently selling a stupefying amount of copies of current single, Irish Blood, English Blood which erm, sounds like half his other songs only not as good, is currently at number 2 in the charts, probably because sniveling little snotrags who buy the NME have realised he’s cool again. Idiots! with just two extra pounds you could get a copy of Louder than Bombs or The Queen is Dead instead rather than the single, but anyway. He’s a pedanctic misanthropic git, but makes nice music. Enjoy that first, and maybe he’ll keep his gob shut.

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 22

May 17-23 2004

dicepeople@tvdesk.co.uk

FUN FACTORY Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS)

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

After an absence of four years, the Summer Ball returns to Cooper’s Field, reaffirming its status as the biggest university ball in the country.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Open All Hours BBC1 7pm

Coupling BBC3 10.30pm

Celebrities Disfigured

Home and Away

Channel 4 9pm

five 6pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 Rugrats 16.20 X-periMENTAL 16.35 Lizzie McGuire 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sky comes face to face with her mother's killer. What, otherwise known as the duckhunter who accidentally shot her? For shame, scriptwriters! Nearly as bad as Cheryl’s faux end due to Dr Death, Karl Kennedy. Scott pushes Serena away, realising that he’s not a paedo. Well, it’s all she seems to attract.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Open All Hours Nurse Gladys Emmanuel has a problem with her washing machine. Silly thing shouldn’t have put her cat in it, really.

19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Pat struggles to deal with a shock discovery. Yes, the operation wasn’t a complete success...

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 21.00 Murphy's Law 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Royle Family 23.05 FILM: True Identity Offensive. Lenny Henry plays Othello. Hmm. *** 00.45 Sign Zone: Weird Nature 01.15 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain 01.45 Sign Zone: Safe as Houses

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 SMart 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Look and Read 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Maths Challenge 11.25 Watch 11.40 Look and Read 12.00 BBC Primary Geography 12.10 Music Makers 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 FILM: Dark Command **** 15.00 Garden Invaders 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Get a New Life By getting a bicycle and learning the true extent of the phrase ‘bicycle smile’.

19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 Combat Pilot 20.00 Fred Dibnah's Building of Britain: The Art of Castle Building Forst, find a large plot of land...

I know I’m lame.

20.30 University Challenge: The Professionals 21.00 Dead Ringers Crap. I find impression quite boring.

After a while, they lose their uncanny appeal.

Unlike Derren Brown, who I‘m seeing on Friday and nearly creaming myself about already.

21.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Janet is upstaged by some pasties. Well, they do make good bra fillers...

Not that I’ve tried. 22.00 I Am Not an Animal 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: The Other Guggenheim 00.25 Roy Lichtenstein: Pop Idol

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream I own my own brothel on Woodville Road...

18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Andy misreads a plea from Katie and has his heart broken all over again. Serves you right, you sentimental twat. Will Simon get Marlon back on track?

Not with that amount of anal rupture, no.

19.30 Coronation Street Fred's fantasy becomes a reality as his dream girl flies into his life. Eek! Let’s hope she’s big-boned or likes to go on top.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Sally discovers she's been barking up the wrong tree with Rosie's talents.

Rosie is actually training in the fine art of felching.

21.00 Bad Girls Glamour hits Larkhall with the arrival of Tanya Turner, who quickly decides to cosy up to Darlene. Who? And more importantly, will these lesbo scenes rival Mulholland Drive?

22.00 Shane 22.30 ITV News 23.05 Trouble in Paradise 01.10 Champions League

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): Life Stuff: More than Love 09.55 Quit 10.00 gcsEASE: The Business 10.25 Life Stuff: World of Difference 10.50 English Programme 11.15 Science in Focus Special: Living Science 11.35 Life Stuff: Working Week 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Ari Awyren 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Ribidires 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 A Place in Greece 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Cawl Potsh 16.25 Hip Neu Sgip?

16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Where did Dani get the cash to develop the photos?

Probably from the man who paid her to let her flaps fly for the film.

What has Kay done with the bingo money? Put it up her arse for a quick thrill?

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Is Jason pleased with Sara's news? Macs finds it hard to concentrate on his exams.

20.25 Ffermio 21.00 Crwydro 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Risking It 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Without a Trace 01.30 Will and Grace 01.55 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools): Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-TatTat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: Double Indemnity *** 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason the Case of the Maligned Mobster ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Nick escapes from hospital to attend his audition.

Luckily, his premature ejaculation means he gets the part in Cowboys: The Quickest Gun in the West.

18.30 Family Affairs Eileen reveals some shocking news in the pub. Yes, that’s right, fuckers, I had sex doggy style on the bar. And yes, I did fall off.

19.00 five news 19.30 Road Rages: Very Heavy Metal 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Executive Decision “Expect surprises quickly,” says TV Andy, then tells me info about the film which I won’t impart because it’ll ruin the film.

Oh well. **** 23.35 Mau Mau Sex The story of the Sexploitation movie.

Created in a time before mass pornography, this genre ran rings around the censors for over 60 years. Sounds good.

00.35 US PGA Golf: EDS Byron Nelson Championship 01.25 V8 Supercars: Placemakers

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Who Rules the Roost Derren Brown! Well, I want his cock to crow in my roost, anyway.

20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three God, no one’s going to watch this anyway. It’s got that evil from EastEnders in it, and blah blah. Pointless.

21.00 The Third Degree 22.00 EastEnders Alfie is upbeat, having seen off Andy.

Kat is left reeling as Andy shows the full extent of his manipulation. That finger technique is sure coming on.

22.30 Coupling If this is the new series, which I am almost certain it is, the I don’t see the point. Without Jeff, this is nothing.

23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Nighty Night “Yes, this is prawns in a milky basket. Hmm, doesn’t that look like a little sanitary towel?” 00.00 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.30 Monkey Dust 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.00 Coronation Street Les does a lap of honour, while Janice gets the shock of her life.

Must have a long tongue and the ability to breathe through his ears.

17.30 Emmerdale The battle for the cricket pitch reaches its conclusion with the arrival of some rather large wickets, held threateningly aloft. 18.00 Emmerdale Carlos and Simon attempt to get Marlon back in the kitchen so they fill him with carrots.

18.30 Champions League Weekly 19.00 World Rally Championship 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Airline 21.00 Neighbours from Hell 22.00 Taxi Nights 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 00.05 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: The Moving of Sophia Myles *** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager Kes disappears. On the hunt for mice, no doubt.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Homer recounts his success with his hit barbershop quartet the BeSharps.

19.30 The Simpsons Homer becomes a professional boxer when doctors discover he was born with a unique genetic condition that protects his brain from injury. This episode makes me really sad, and pity stupid people - for about two minutes.

20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Aggro 22.00 South Park 22.30 Uncut!

Sex on the Job: Tradesmen 23.30 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek A harsh teacher forces Jack to read a poem that leads everyone to suspect he's gay. If they can understand the words in his poem, that is.

20.00 Friends When Monica and Richard accidentally meet, they decide that they should remain friends - with dire results... Well, friends don’t fist, do they? 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 What Sadie Did Next Fucked off into a hovel in Estonia, hopefully.

22.30 The OC 23.30 Bo Selecta! 00.00 Hollyoaks 00.30 Sex Rules Never attempt cunnilingus after eating chilli.

01.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.50 The OC 02.40 Fame and Misfortune: Blowing It

As S4C, except: 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 More Than Love Pah. Love’s booooriiing. 09.55 Quit I can’t, I’m sorry, I know it’s wrong to wipe my tongue ever Derren Brown’s picture, but I can’t help it. 10.00 The Business: People and Profits 10.25 Life Stuff: World of Difference 10.50 Classic Short Prose: The Tell Tale Heart 11.35 Working Week: Shop Display 12.30 The Great Pretenders 12.45 FILM: Kind Hearts and Coronets ***** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Missing: Lee Boxell 20.00 Body Talk: Power Just squeeze the man of choice’s bollocks. That’ll work. 21.00 Celebrities Disfigured 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 FILM: Life Is Beautiful **** 02.05 Rwanda FC 02.15 Football: South American Championship 04.15 Rat-a-TatTat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? He wrote The Twits, that’s what.

Tuesday

May 17-23 2004

Page 23

yes@justboughtwilcotickets.com

Film: Day of the Dead BBC2 11.50pm

The Cemetery Club ITV1 1.35am

We Are From...

S4C 4.45pm

Tales of a Wise King C4 6.00am

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography: France 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Wildlife on Two 14.00 Racing from Goodwood 16.00 am.pm 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 With The Mavericks (crap) The Chimes (who?) Lulu (inane facelifted boring tart) Horace Faith, (who) Def Leppard (third worst live band I’ve ever seen), Guy Marks (who?), Tony Rich (resposible, alongside Phil Collins, for the existence of Eamon) and Capella (awesome mid90s eurodisco scenes).

19.30 Time Flyers: From Sheffield to the Somme 20.00 Get a New Life 21.00 Diarmuid's Big Adventure 22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 So What Do You Do All Day? 23.50 FILM: Day of the Dead Not to be confused with Day of the Triffids which is a horror movie about plants. **** 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 ...want to know why my typing is so erratic and there are many? unnecessary ques?tion marks ?That’s why. And I’m not happy about it.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales 19.00 Emmerdale 20.00 The Vault 21.00 Bad Girls With Tanya!

From Bad Girls! Fantastic sophistication-free drama inbreeding strikes. Beauty itself. I always thought soaps should do that: someone goes to Manchester in EastEnders - turn up in Weatherfield.

Sonia and Martin’s honeymoon in Spain - viva la Eldorado!

22.00 Shane Utterly dire Frank Skinner vehicle in which he plays a boring middle aged balding tosser who isn’t funny. A difficult role to play, then.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Almost Famous **** 01.10 Red Hot Chili Peppers in Profile One of the worst bands ever, with Californication being one of the worst albums ever. I mean really, it must take a special kind of wanker to make music this soporifically shite, and the fact there’s four of them (not to mention the millions of hearing-impaired idiots who like this dirge) makes it even worse.

Lucifer’s arse’s gift to music.

01.35 FILM: The Cemetery Club Follow up to The Breakfast Club starring Emilio Estevez’s corpse. ** 03.20 Today with Des and Mel

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): The Illustrated Mum 09.55 Quit 10.00 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.25 National Gallery 10.30 Sarah Moves On 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.301.15): Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

12.40 Triongl 13.00 Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 The City Gardener 13.45 A Place in Greece 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): FTPD 16.30 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Y Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Dynion Y Drysau 22.00 Emyn Roc a Rol Ridiculous drama series following an eighties Welsh rock band called The Disciples. The quality of this depends on whether it’s “eighties” as in Europe and Iron Maiden, or “eighties” as in Kajagoogoo.

22.45 Celebrities 23.45 NYPD Blue 00.40 `Whatever' - A Teenage Musical 01.40 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools) (4.00-6.10): Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? He wrote about mysterious men in the bottom of the garden who gave out free “goodies” for one thing. 04.45 We Are From... 05.00 Maths Mansion 05.10 The Blue Dragon 05.25 Making It 05.30 Stop, Look, Listen

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Specialists ** 15.35 FILM: Country **** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Will Alf “G’day mate just call me Nostradamus” Stewart’s prophecy about Seb dying come true? O-kay. Since when has Alf been a prophet?

18.30 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Earth's Fury: Superstorms Phwoar man-tastic laddish tornadoes destroying American suburbs, the sort of mindless destruction which apes the acts of most men in the world.

21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Arrest and Trial: An Innocent Killer 23.25 Murder Detectives: Fatal Love Probably my least favourite of love, given you’re denied the smug value. I can overhear office chat about incest involving mothers raping their children so they don’t lose their virginities to anyone else.

Actually that’s my least favourite kind of love. 23.55 Angel 00.45 NHL Ice Hockey: PlayOffs - Round Three Big-shouldered knob jockeys acting like tough guys on ice. Lumpy-faced boring idiots.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders So what’s with this Kat and Alfie and Andie Indecent Proposal style crap?

Why does Andy want to sleep with Kat anyway? It’s not like he hasn’t before, and probably hundreds of times. He doesn’t stand to gain anything, apart from maybe looking slightly less like he should be presenting Catchphrase. 22.30 The Mighty Boosh 23.00 The Mighty Boosh 23.30 The Job 23.50 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.20 Little Britain 00.50 Monkey Dust 01.20 The Mighty Boosh 01.50 The Mighty Boosh 02.20 Little Angels 02.50 Sex Warts and All USA 03.20 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three Actually, Andy’s proposal to Kat brings a whole new meaning to “it’s fast, it’s furious, it’s the ready money round.”

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Pearl prepares to stake all on the poker night. The sight of sagging fleshmounds in The Woolpack beckons. I’d rather see Amos naked.

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now Halle Berry in Catwoman. Sounds awful.

20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts 21.00 Trouble in Paradise 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Peter Andre...

Mysterious Man Urgh, Pete’s attempts to Justin-up Insania can fuck off. I was almost glad he was back with us for a while.

23.35 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Deep in My Heart ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons In my humble opinion, this is the best ever episode of The Simpsons. There are so many good lines. “Phew, lucky I was wearing this piece of the true cross.” “What, the same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?”

“Mmmm clowns are funny...”

20.00 Tru Calling 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show Fuck off you nauseating wrinkled retching old cow!

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 23.05 Infamous Fives Series lifting the lid on the dirty underbelly of celebrity, looking at what happened to the career of Gary Coleman. “Underbelly” and Gary Coleman are two words I never wanted to see in the same sentence.

23.35 Experimental 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Friends 01.05 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.35 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 02.05 Ali G in Da USAiii 02.35 Infamous Fives 03.00 Experimental 03.25 The Fit Farm

06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 The Trap Door Berk plans to go fishing. 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.55 Quit Educational 10.00 Health and Social Care 10.25 National Gallery 12.30 Frasier 13.05 FILM: The Black Tent ** 15.15 Countdown 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Missing: Jane Harrison 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener Revisited 21.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 22.00 FILM: Croupier **** 23.45 ALT-TV 00.15 Shariah TV 01.20 What Would Jesus Do? Watch Celebrity Snatch if was around at the moment.01.35 Andromeda 02.20 Andromeda 03.05 Dispatches: Fit to Eat 04.00 Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat Bringing to life the second half of the book My Body, Your Body. Fnarr. 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? 05.10 The Blue Dragon 05.25 Making It 05.30 Jack and the Beanstalk 05.45 Faith in Action

SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood Slasher drama starring a parade of mutilated, limbless bodies being pasted across mushy terrain before being savagely gnawed by hell’s bacontongued dogs themselves.

13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show Nick Baker looks at tree frogs in Central America. BORING. Chris “I Like Birds” Packham used to live near me and was once arrested for being “really wild on the roads”, to quote Radio Solent.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: The Trouble With Being Lee 23.50 FILM: The Fourth Protocol *** 02.05 Sign Zone: Wren: The Man Who Built Britain 03.05 Sign Zone: Charlotte Church: Spreading Her Wings Spreading her looselipped puffy legs more like. I’m currently? in a furious mood because there’s some sort of sticky substance on this keyboard, ?and the goddamn question mark key is permanantly? glued to the shift key so if you...

Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1.00

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 24

May 17-23 2004

unsuitableporn@tvholly.co.uk

There is no RUBBER DUCK due to exams.

RUBBER DUCK will return on the 2nd June for two final weeks of mayhem.

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Rob Roy BBC1 11.05pm

Sex and The Settee

Scarface Sky One 11pm

BBC3 11pm

The Reckless Moment C4 1.15pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 The Mummy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Gus tries to make himself an indispensable addition to the Hoyland family by becoming the family gimp. Sky redirects her anger towards Kerry for abandoning her. Susan takes steps to get over Karl and move on by having a threesome with Harold and Lou, the dirty skank.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 DIY SOS 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Destination D Day Yet another reality show where people are forced to become soldiers just to prove how hard their life is. This time is D-Day landers - they don’t stand a chance - I’ve seen Shaving Ryan’s Privates...

21.00 Traffic Cops: On the Loose Watch South Yorkshire police clamping down on those filthy asylum seekers.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Belonging 23.05 FILM: Rob Roy *** 01.20 Sign Zone 03.05 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Really Wild Show 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 11.00 Landscape Mysteries 11.30 am.pm 13.00 The Phil Silvers Show 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Racing from Goodwood 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Get a New Life As the programme commisioners for BBC2 should. Grr - I want The SImpsons!

19.00 TOTP 2 Songs from East 17, Grace Jones, Del Amitri, Heaven 17, Van McCoy, The Ramones, ZZ Top, Bus Stop and The Who plus new music from Fountains Of Wayne.

19.30 Match of the Day Live: Marseille v Valencia Valencia to tear Marseille a new arsehole, unless Drogba is on top form that is...

22.00 World Weddings: DJ Ray's Big Day After a string of failed relationships, Ray turned to the web and found Natalia, a Russian woman hoping for a better life for her young daughter. This summer Congress will debate a bill to control the market in internet brides unfortunately for Tristan who has been selling contributors into marriage all year.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Hieronymus Bosch: The Delights of Hell 00.20 Constantin Brancusi: The Monk of Modernism

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 The Yuk Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Bob is stunned to discover Terry in the arms of a woman on the eve of his court case for cottaging.

19.30 Coronation Street Orchid gets the call that might tear her away from Fred.

Orchid? Is she a fucking horse or something?

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Bad Girls Tanya is questioned about poisoning Al, but the case against her looks weak and other inmates are soon pulled in for questioning. I’m hoping the Tanya storyline is worth the wait I’ve been looking forward to seeing snake-eyes again.

22.00 Shane Myrtle's colleague Gordon is paying her a lot of attention, while Shane's feelings for Sheila have reached boiling point. Who on earth has been watching this shite? Skinner you’d better redeem yourself with Euro Fantasy Football or you’re on my hit list.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 The Ferret 23.30 Club Reps 00.00 Redcoats 00.30 CD:UK Hotshots 00.55 The Joy of Decks 01.20 Undeclared

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): The Illustrated Mum 09.55 Quit 10.00 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.25 Life Stuff 10.50 The English Programme 11.15 Science in Focus Special: Living Science 11.35 From the Top 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.30-1.15): Anturiaethau Smot y Ci 12.40 Seren For 12.50 Caffi Sali Mali 13.05 Bwmp 13.15 My Place in the Sun 13.45 A Place in Greece 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): Nic a Peri 16.15 Sgorio Bach 16.30 Mali O 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Meanwhile, Emma worries about Steffan's plans as he buys a bunch on bananas, a stepladder and a large tub of vaseline.

20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 10 Years Younger Evil programme where ugly viewers are told all the surgery they need to make them look “attractive”.

22.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 23.00 ER Dr Pratt is informally accused of sexual harassment by an attractive woman.

00.00 Frasier 00.30 FILM: The People vs Larry Flynt Fair enough he may advocate free speech - but the man is an evil cunt. *** 02.50 Shariah TV 03.45 The Chris Isaak Show

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 Columbo 15.30 FILM: The Priest Killer ** 17.30 five news 18.00 18.00 Home and Away Rhys is incensed to discover what Kirsty is up to. Her wrist I’d imagine.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Escape from... Alcatraz David travels to San Francisco's Alcatraz, the prison for America's most dangerous criminals until 1963. It was built to be totally escapeproof, yet in June 1962, three desperate men did the impossible. If they did it - it’s obviously not impossible then.

20.00 Who Shot the Red Baron?... The True Story On 21 April 1918 I bet it was Bob Marley - but he didn’t shoot his co-pilot...

21.00 Stranger than Fiction: The Mystery of the SelfMade Mummy Nothing to do with successful single mothers.

22.00 Hypnotism Ruined My Life The Derren Brown story.

23.00 The Sexiest Ads in the World 00.00 Tasteful TV 00.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Play-Offs - Round Three 03.30 NHL Ice Hockey Extra 04.20 Dutch Football

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Who Rules the Roost 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 21.00 FILM: Strictly Ballroom Offbeat satire in which a young ballroom-dancing sensation causes uproar among the traditionalist Australian Dance Federation when he tries out some radical new steps. His new routine horrifies all but the ugly duckling of his dance class who's just waiting to blossom.

When she persuades him to partner her, he discovers a true soulmate who dares to be daring on the dancefloor. Directed

by Baz Luhrmann and a lot better than these dodgy listings suggest. **** 22.30 Trauma on Three 23.00 Sex and the Settee Director Richard Macer takes a light-hearted look at the world of soft furnishings. Great.

00.00 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.30 Who Rules the Roost 01.30 Trauma on Three 02.00 Sex and the Settee 03.00 Sex Warts and All USA

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.40 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 17.30 Coronation Street Bev continues her plans to scupper Shelley as she takes an axe to her dinghy.

18.00 Emmerdale Andy guns for revenge in Robert and Katie's caravan - with devastating results. Makes a change from “hilarious” results. If I actually did try and blow them away that’s what’d happen.

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question 20.00 Peter Andre...

Mysterious Man The story of The Andre, surprisingly not a five minute show.

21.00 Real Crime: The Rachel Nickell Story 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Posh and Becks: For Better, for Worse?

23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 00.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.45 Jerry Springer

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Behind the Mask 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Three ghoulish tales: “Attack of the 50 Foot Eyesores”, “Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace” and “Homer Cubed”. Awesome episode.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Tarzan Tarzan is brought from Africa to New York by his billionaire uncle, who is determined to civilise him. What new hell is this?

21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Sun, Sea and Silicone 23.00 FILM: Scarface “Say hello to my leetle friend” is a phrase often heard around Stanton... **** 02.10 Star Trek: Voyager 03.00 Alias 03.55 Cops 04.20 Early Edition 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek Dawson shows up drunk with Andie at his surprise birthday party saving everyone else the trouble.

20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Wife Swap Featuring Lizzie - the bitch queen from hell.

22.00 Smack the Pony 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.05 Teachers 00.10 Teachers 01.10 Hollyoaks 01.40 Trigger Happy USA 02.05 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival Surprisingly good line up after you’ve removed the offensive presence of Big Brovaz and Black Eyed Peas.

03.00 Teachers Having just engorged myself on a cornetto, crisps, Sprite and a packet of soft mints I collapse into a blob of refined sugar...

As S4C except: 06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.55 Quit 10.00 Health and Social Care 10.50 Classic Short Prose 11.35 From the Top 12.30 Frasier 13.00 Supporting Acts 13.15 FILM: The Reckless Moment *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Up Your Street 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks Dan is shocked by the identity of his latest visitor.

Yes kids, Tanya Turner makes another appearance in jail this week. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Missing: Nadia Belhaj 20.00 How Clean Is Your House? 20.30 10 Years Younger 21.00 Risking It All 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier Frasier hires an attractive professional matchmaker, but ends up going on a string of bad dates. 23.35 Sex and the City 00.05 Sex and the City Samantha is not satisfied with her boyfriend's shortcomings. That’s one way of putting it... 00.40 Perfect Match New York 01.40 More Sex Tips for Girls 02.05 Some of My Best Friends 02.30 KOTV

Thursday

May 17-23 2004

Page 25

garyandrews@suspectoverreportingofannahodgekissinthemediaawardscoverage.com

Hands Up! BBC2 10.30pm

60 Minute Makeover ITV1 1pm

Infamous Fives Sky One 11.30pm

The Great Beers of Wales ITV1 7.30pm

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Hands Up! 10.45 Pathways of Belief: Sikhism 11.00 The Way Things Work 11.15 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.05 The Phil Silvers Show 13.30 Wildlife on Two 14.00 Racing from Goodwood 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 With songs from Frankie Goes To Hollywood (wrote some good songs, did a diabolical cover of Born To Run) Joe Cocker, (horse-voiced old trout) Cher (troutfaced old horse), Nick Heyward (idiot), Marmalade (who? probably a poor man’s Jam), Adam Ant (fruitcase), Marillion (genius) and Felix (hmm - more mid90s dance tunes. Plus some wanker called Michael Bublé.

19.30 Counties of Wales: Caernarfon 20.00 New Servants 20.50 The Flying Gardener 21.00 Make Me Honest 22.00 That Was the Week We Watched 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 3 Non-Blondes 23.50 FILM: When Brendan Met Trudy *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Physical Education

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction Originality obviously isn’t the strong suit here. 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Boohbah 15.35 Mucha Lucha 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.25 ITV1 News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 The Great Beers of Wales My favourite is the real ale with the picture of the slobbering rugbyplaying dog on the pump.

20.00 The Bill 21.00 New Homes from Hell 22.00 Wales This Week 22.30 ITV News 23.00 A Promised Land 00.00 Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married 00.30 The District 01.15 Grounded for Life 01.40 1993 Forever 02.30 Strictly Soho Programme I watched extensively during the second year due to it’s post-Night And Day slot. Various Soho “characters” (ie pimps and whores) as they go about their daily routine (pimping and whoring). 02.55 Cybernet 03.20 Chris Rea in Profile Sour-faced git. Although I have a soft spot for Driving Home For Christmas. Possbly for it reminds me of Iceland’s suspicious festive adverts with children rolling around in the snow.

03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Everyone in the office gathers around to watch slaughter on the internet. Urgh.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 The Illustrated Mum 09.55 Quit 10.00 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.05 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v New Zealand 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Election broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats.

19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Clwb Garddio 21.00 Tipyn O Stad Kev feels guilty after what happened on his stag night, although he cannot remember the exact details. Let me remind him: he probably drank too much, acted like a tit, probably got naked, had sex with a stripper and any number of other unsavoury activities. Stag nights are probably the best advertisement for banning marriage.

Elizabeth Taylor comes a close second.

21.30 Selling Houses 22.00 Edge of the City A closer look at Tesco Extra, the All Nations centre and the rest of the crap up there. 23.35 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats.

23.40 Born Rich 00.45 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 01.15 Perfect Match New York 02.10 The PJs 02.35 Brazilian Football Championship: Flamengo v Internacional Flamengo win the battle of “more exotic team name”. TV John wins the battle of most useless comment.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Young Country *** 15.40 FILM: Gunfight in Black Horse Canyon *** 17.30 five news 17.55 Party Political Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Patrick puts Cheryl in an awkward situation. Reasons not to pay attention to the last chapter of the Kama Sutra.

19.00 five news 19.30 The Treasures of St Petersburg and the Hermitage 20.00 20.00 FILM: The Postman Kevin Costner in second class post-apocalyptic drama where everyone’s red and has a rectangular hole in their mouths.

23.20 Party Election Broadcast by the Scottish National Party 23.25 Real Sex 00.55 Dutch Football: Willem II v Ajax 02.25 Argentinian Football 03.55 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Major League Soccer: New England Revolution v Columbus Crew Columbus Crew break forth and trounce Flamengo in the best team name stakes, purely for for sounding like a 15th century chav Blazin’ Squad. Meet you at the crossroads by ye hangman’s olde pie shoppe.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 EastEnders Revealed This edition looks back at the career of Natalie Evans, played by Lucy Speed, who isn’t even in the damn thing anymore.

20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 21.00 Trauma on Three 21.30 Little Angels 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Who Rules the Roost Reality documentary show in which couples take it in turns to give up work for a period and stay at home to put in some quality time with the kids. Erm excuse me, but these people probably have plenty of time AFTER work to do that, they should just stop being lazy fucks and get on with being good parents.

23.30 Trauma on Three 00.00 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.30 Little Angels 01.00 Little Angels 01.30 Who Rules the Roost 02.25 Trauma on Three 02.55 Sex Warts and All USA 03.25 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three Strictly unnecessary more like.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Stacy weighs up what Fred has to offer. I feel sick.

18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer Outrageous 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Posh and Becks: For Better, for Worse? 21.00 Bad Girls 22.00 Bad Girls 23.00 Bad Girls From watching an episode of this last week, I think Jim Fenner’s psychological deterioration is one of the best things on TV right now. Shades of Leland Palmer, with a dash of Richard Hillman. And when he straightened his tie and muttered “Hmm - Jim’ll Fix It”, a monster was born.

00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Marilyn and Me Apparently a six minute porn film with Marilyn Monroe was made in 1947 and was shown 50 years later. And here it is!

13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 It’s a good thing this program isn’t called 6,000.

22.00 Cold Case 23.00 Newquay Nights Sky One’s lowbudget UK answer to Ibiza Uncovered. Only with stupid floppy bleached hair morons and the ladies who want their floppy bleached hair children.

00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition Mega-boring pseudo-sci-fi crap.

04.20 Yanky Panky 05.10 The

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends I like how people had mass viewings and cry-fests in New York over the demise of Friends. Twats.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 ER 23.30 Infamous Fives With factfiles on Robbie Williams, Fred Durst, Jennifer Lopez, Courtney Love and Guy Ritchie. Wow, I hate all of them.

00.00 Friends 00.30 ER 01.20 ER 02.15 Hollyoaks 02.40 Infamous Fives 03.05 What Sadie Did Next Fuck it, let’s talk some more about Jim Fenner.

He was on Stars In Their Eyes the other week, doing Robert Palmer. Of course! He also urinated on a prisoner, in a bizarre situation in which Bad Girls mirrors events of real life Iraq. And for the poor guy who plays him, he’ll never get another role in television thanks to the beauty of typecasting.

06.00 Animated Tales of the World 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.55 Quit This programme juxtaposes tobacco company ads with the experience of someone who fell for their marketing strategies. Yeah, those ads really don’t make smoking look like the healthy, fantastic, smooth, sexy experience it is. Good for C4! Incidentally, the gigantic gap here isn’t because Quit is nearly nine hours long, it’s because it’s the same as S4C. See? 18.30 Hollyoaks Ben still wants Izzy back. Still wants her backside more like. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 20.00 No Going Back 21.00 Edge of the City 22.30 FILM: Wild Things A rousing mumble of “yeah it’s oOK” echoes around the office. Then someone remembers it has Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in various stages of salaciousness and you could cut the enthusiam with a knife. ** 00.35 NYPD Blue 03.30 Days of Thunder 05.05 Countdown 05.55 Tales of a Wise King

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 All or Nothing 16.35 Kerching!

17.00 Short Change 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

18.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders Den forces Ian come to terms with some shocking news: “I preferred you with your paintbrush moustache.”

20.00 Trauma 20.30 Bailiffs 21.00 Dangerous Passions 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Dragon's Eye 23.05 Question Time 00.05 This Week 00.50 FILM: Twilight Man Psychological thriller (yawn) about an established professor and author (yawn) whose life is turned upside down when he becomes the target of a vengeful computer hacker. (strike three! computer hacking based plot - aaargh) .

Meanwhile, his girlfriend is murdered and her body found in his car - that’s more like it. ** 02.30 Sign Zone: Brassed Off Britain 03.00 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece retpojkrt0oihgjkdfogjoftjodkbldfpodkfbpodkfpobkdpobkdf

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 26

May 17-23 2004

wheresourmonkey@TVdesk.co.uk

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

GAMES ROOM

Opening Hours MonFri 8.30am-7pm, Sat 12-4pm Lucozade 380ml only 49p Brecon Carreg 500ML water 2 for 49p Feel Good Spritz drinks only £1.19 Cadbury Dairy milk/ Wholenut/Fruit & Nut King size 2 for 99p Trebor Extra Strong Mints/ Softmints 2 for 50p Nik Naks 2 for 39p Yazoo Milk drinks 2 for 99p

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

The Kid from Texas five 2.05pm

A Classy Kill five 11.50pm

Pub Ammo

Derren Brown

five 11.20pm

S4C 10.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 Astroboy 16.30 Fairly Odd Parents 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 SMart In this edition, food made from tissue paper that looks good enough to eat. if you’re a hamster. 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lost in the bush, Lou loses all hope of ever finding Valda’s hole. TV Andy has disclosed important information about Neighbours to me, and I am at a loss. I am in mourning!

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 19.00 A Question of Sport This programme has never been the same for me since an ex-boyfriend tried to force me to get a lesbian crush on Sue Barker...and it sort of worked.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Sonia and Vicki take decisive action, and muff-dive as if their lives depend upon it. *shudders* 20.30 My Family 21.00 The Lenny Henry Show 21.30 Have I Got News for You With guest host Alexander Armstrong. Huzzah! 22.00 BBC News 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.30 Parkinson: The Peter Ustinov Interview 00.30 Liquid Assets

06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Short Change 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 Magic Key 10.45 Watch 11.00 Focus 11.20 Landmarks 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Wildlife On Two 14.00 FILM: I Know Where I'm Going **** 15.25 Flog It! 16.25 Ready Steady Cook 17.10 Weakest Link 17.55 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 18.00 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.25 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.50 My Wife and Kids 19.10 TOTP 2 19.30 Gardening with the Experts 20.00 Small Town Gardens 20.30 Gardeners' World 21.00 London: Water and Darkness Nice, poetic euphemism for shithole.

21.50 Grumpy Old Men Watch out for Rory McGrath, the cunt.

Otherwise, this is good.

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review With Mark Lawson with guest Mark Kermode in a special edition from the Cannes Film Festival.

Watch out for horror-speak.

23.40 Later with Jools Holland 00.40 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 01.10 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: What Is Religion?

02.30 Play and the Social World 03.00 Cine Cinephiles

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto!

15.20 Tractor Tom 15.30 Kipper 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Party Election Broadcast

by Plaid Cymru 19.00 Emmerdale Diane returns from holiday and collars Robert and Andy demanding to know what really happened to Jack. “Er, we’re sorry, Di...we accidentally fisted him.”

19.30 Coronation Street Armed with his wallet, Fred goes into battle for Orchid. The horse-bride.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Midsomer Murders The death of a young film star at the opening of a “satanic experience” at his family's ancestral home brings Barnaby and Troy to two feuding villages with the highest rate of murder in the world.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 On the Edge 23.30 Crimefighters UK 00.05 Weapons of Mass Distraction 00.35 Blank Screen 00.40 Win, Lose or Draw Late 01.05 Blank Screen 01.10 Undeclared 01.40 Blank Screen 01.45 Entertainment Now! 02.10 Blank Screen 02.15 CD:UK Hotshots

06.15 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Today at the Test 09.30 The Illustrated Mum 09.55 Quit 10.00 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.05 Test Cricket: 1st npower Test: England v New Zealand 18.00 Friends Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel.

“I’m taking her up the wrong ‘un.”

18.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.25 Darllediad Etholiadol Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru.

19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm Does Gwyneth fancy Britt?

Maybe - she is “like something off the Discovery Channel” after all (I don’t mean she does it doggy style - that would be quite difficult in her condition).

20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 21.00 Selling Houses 21.30 How Clean Is Your House? Not very. But it’s my housemates’ fault! 22.00 Friends 22.30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Uuuhhhh!

Can’t wait to see him...argh! I’ll have to wipe the seat down.

Sorry all. 23.05 Eurotrash 23.35 Party Election Broadcast Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru.

23.40 Distraction My next-door neighbour was on this. He’s such a cock I’m sure Jimmy Carr would make mincemeat of him.

Yay! 00.10 Experimental 00.40 Today at the Test 01.10 The Bronx Bunny Show 01.40 King of the Hill 02.10 ALT TV 02.40 Football :

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Kid from Texas ** 15.35 FILM: Inside Out ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Rhys gives Kirsty an ultimatum. “It’s the rabbit or my cock.”

18.30 Family Affairs It's decision time for Mark, but who will he choose, Geri or Yasmin? Weeelll, one of them isn’t ginger...

Sam tries to bond with his father. Fnnaarr!

19.00 five news 19.30 The World's 20 Best?

20.30 Great Escapes Up my flange.

21.00 FILM: The Assignment Thriller about a naval officer who bears an uncanny resemblance to international terrorist Carlos “the Jackal” Sanchez and is recruited to impersonate him in a bid to bring him to justice. Unless a dirty Sanchez features, I’m not interested. *** 23.20 Pub Ammo Tonight: What's the most powerful pistol in the world? TV Steve’s.

23.50 FILM: Classy Kill Nonclassy soft porn. * 01.35 The Shield 02.20 FILM: Someone to Love Me ** 03.50 Short Story Cinema 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Who Rules the Roost 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 21.00 Waiting for the Whistle: Staying Up A documentary of how much sleep I’ve lost deciding what to wear for Derren...

21.30 Without You Derren, I have no sexual fantasies. Thank you for awakening my libido again...

22.00 EastEnders Ian realises he's got to fight for what's his, and brawls with Peter Sellers for his old moustache back (remember that, kids?). Garry gets heartbreaking news: “Your heart has broken.” Zoe plays hard to get with Dennis. It makes him soft.

22.30 Burn It 23.00 Burn It Tina wants to make up for her lost teenage years, which she spent taking it up the arse in some alley behind Liquid.

23.30 Grease Monkeys 00.00 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.30 The Practice 01.10 Waiting for the Whistle: Staying Up

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street Orchid gets the call that might tear her away from Fred. Or amybe he was the one to tear her poor pony rectum. Candice isn't prepared for Tim's idea of a threesome. But then, spontaneity is the best part of sex.

18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now Brad Pitt talks about his epic Troy and his more haiku-sized schlong. 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol Special: The Final Three We only got one, but then it was Michelle.

21.20 American Idol 22.10 American Idol 23.05 Coronation Street 23.35 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.05 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? I don’t know - what about her? Does she have herpes or something?

08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Cab to Canada ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Day after Tomorrow Exclusive You’ll have more fun taping bananas to your feet.

19.30 Futurama A colossal piece of garbage threatens to engulf New York. It’s my condom pile.

20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw Bah. 21.05 FILM: Bad Girls Not a rip-off of ITV. ** 23.05 Las Vegas 00.05 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Veronica's Closet 04.45 Veronica's Closet 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Ross tries to convince Rachel that her date is psychotic. But at least he’s not a horse-faced fossil-fucker.

17.30 Friends Ross finds a strange growth on his buttocks.

It’s his face.

18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends Joey's play gets terrible reviews, but his romance with his co-star progresses when she realises he at least has a 10-foot cock.

20.30 Friends Monica's boyfriend surprises her. With schlong-sherbert.

21.00 Faking It Changed My Life Sadly it made mine worse.

22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 Without a Trace 00.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.55 The Secret Life of Us We gobble refrigerated cocks for our breakfasts at dawn every Thursday. 01.50 Hollyoaks 02.20 Prince's Trust Urban Music Festival

As S4C except: 06.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 06.10 The Trap Door 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Today at the Test: England v New Zealand 09.55 Quit 18.30 Hollyoaks Sally greets Lee with some surprising news as he finishes his protest.

“I didn’t say I was against fox hunting. I just said I wanted t chase you around then ride you to death...” 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Monster Garage 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace Grace asks Will to wait as she reconsiders her commitment to an artifical insemination. Yuck!

22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Oh Derren, I want to trick your mind into thinking that you must give me your cock unselfishly until the end of time.

22.30 Distraction My next-door neighbour had to drink his own wee. It makes your complexion youthful, apparently. 23.05 Catching Up with the Osbournes 23.35 Experimental 00.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.35 Today at the Test 01.05 Do Over 01.35 King of the Hill 02.00 Football: South American

Saturday

May 17-23 2004

Page 27

dowhattohim?@derrenbrownfetish.org David Dickinson

The Mighty Boosh BBC3 8.30pm

Cruises From Hell ITV2 7.20pm

The Making Of Troy

I’d Do Anything

E4 6.30pm

BBC1 5.50pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Talking Movies 13.10 Racing from Ascot and Haydock 15.00 Big Screen Britain 15.20 FILM: Pillow Talk **** 17.00 FILM: All for Love The romantic adventures of the dashing Viscount Jacques St Ives, a French officer captured during the Napoleonic Wars and sent to a prisoner-of-war camp in Scotland. Directed by the awesomely named Harry Hook.

18.30 The Good Life 19.00 A Masterpiece of My Own 19.40 The Rise of the Celebrity Class: What Goes Up...

Must come down in a gak fuelled spiral of terror and violence. Starring James Belushi, Tara P-T and Carrie Fisher.

20.40 Private Life of a Masterpiece: Portrait of the Artist's Mother 21.30 Fame, Fashion and Photography: Bailey's Seventies Featuring interviews with Bailey's celebrity whores, including Anjelica Huston, Alice Cooper, Lord Lichfield, Marie Helvin and Jerry Hall.

22.45 Have I Got News for You With guest host Alexander Armstrong.

23.15 Dead Ringers 23.45 FILM: Assault on Precinct 13 Taut thriller inspired

by Howard Hawks's Rio Bravo. In Anderson, Los Angeles, six members of a tough street gang have been shot dead in a police ambush. The local police station - on the verge of closure and all but empty - comes under siege from the rest of the heavily armed gang. Awesome John Carpenter film with a classic soundtrack. **** 01.15 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.20 ITV News; Weather 12.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.30 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying Live 14.15 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.30 I Want That House Revisited 17.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 New You've Been Framed!

18.20 It Shouldn't Happen to a Soap Star Getting caught wanking in front of a webcam.

19.20 Love on a Saturday Night 20.20 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Last week’s show featured the boyfriend of former TV Desk legend Charlotte Martyn winning £125 grand, the lucky fucker.

21.30 FILM: Eraser Time travelling Arnie bag of shite.

Avoid like the groping hands of the Govenor himself. Apparently he has duct tape on his office floor to remind himn which is his chair and which is that of his guests... *** 22.45 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Eraser *** 23.55 Shane Velma tries to get Shane and Myrtle to pay for her to get a boob job. Who cares?

00.25 Blank Screen 00.30 FILM: Diabolique When the boarding school headteacher becomes too much for the two women in his life, they form an alliance to plot his death. But killing him is the easy part making sure that he is dead proves more difficult. Let me guess - pseudo-thriller as excuse for lesbian action. *

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Today at the Test 07.25 Kwik-Fit Pirelli British Rally Championship 2004 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.55 The Cricket Show 10.25 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 12.55 Cricket: First Test and Channel 4 Racing from Newmarket, Ayr and the Curragh 15.30 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand YAY! More cricket for me to laze in front of the telly to.

18.30 Friends 19.00 Friends 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Dudley Chef Dudley Newbury visits the Menai Straits and samples local produce including oysters, Anglesey lobster, sea bass, mussels, raw sewage and turbot.

20.15 Da 'Di Dil 'De 20.45 Tipyn O Stad 21.15 Y Palmant Aur 22.15 FILM: Croupier Stylish crime thriller directed by Mike “Get Carter” Hodges about a struggling author who takes a job at a casino to pay the bills and gets involved with an attractive gambler who plans to fleece the place. Ignored in the UK but a huge US success - probably worth it if you’re planning a night in. **** 00.00 Faking It USA 00.55 Today at the Test 01.25 FILM: Cruising Violent drama in which a New York cop goes undercover in the gay community to investigate a series of brutal murders.

Al Pachino stars in this notorious terrible portait of the gay community. ** 03.15 Football: South American Championship 05.05 KOTV I’m getting all excited about the !!!/Right Said Fred bootleg on right now. Rockin’.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Milkshake! 11.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.55 Beast Wars 12.25 Xcalibur 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Stepping Up 14.30 The Chart 15.00 FILM: Beau Geste * 17.05 FILM: The Air Up There Offensive drama about talent scout Kevin Bacon finding the greatest basketball player in the world in some remote South American village. ** 18.55 Charmed 19.45 five news and sport 20.05 Martial Law 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 Law and Order 22.55 FILM: The Story of Us Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer star in this romantic dross about a couple who have been married for fifteen years, have two children, a nice home and a settled life but find that the spark of romance is gone.

They separate while their kids are at summer camp and have to endure the well-meaning but often counter-productive interventions of their friends as they struggle to find out whether their marriage is worth preserving.** 00.40 FILM: That Magic Moment Further Nostalgic bollocks set in 1959 America about a group of teenagers on the cusp of adulthood. five looks as barren as Calista Flockhart tonight. * 02.25 FILM: Where the Red Fern Grows Horror story based around a killer STD. Only kidding... *** 04.00 Short Story Cinema 04.20 Cold War 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

19.00 Little Angels Top Tips 19.15 Trauma Unit 19.45 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 20.30 The Mighty Boosh Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt play zookeepers in this surreal comedy sketch show. A highly illegal boxing match is set up between Killeroo the kangaroo and Howard. Potentially awesome new comedy series - friends who’ve seen the stage show say it’s the best thing ever so I’d tune if I was you and had cable.

21.00 Kingdom Hospital Mrs Druse recruits other patients for a seance after she is forcibly expelled from the hospital.

Having watched the original series again this week, I’m worried what atrocities Stephen King has performed on it...

21.40 FILM: Highlander: Endgame Do you even have to ask how bad this is? * 23.15 Spine Chillers 23.45 Strictly Come Dancing on Three 00.30 The Mighty Boosh 01.00 The Mighty Boosh 01.30 Sex and the Settee 02.30 Spine Chillers 03.00 The Third Degree

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.40 Quincy, ME 13.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

14.50 Entertainment Today 15.40 CD:UK 16.30 Westlife in Profile 17.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.30 UEFA Stories This episode looks at the 1988 tournament in West Germany.

18.00 UEFA Stories This episode looks at the 1992 tournament in Sweden. I collected all the stickers for this I seem to remember.

18.30 Entertainment Today 19.20 Cruises from Hell The Kevin Spacey story.

20.25 Shopping from Hell Dennis Waterman narrates these accounts of how a routine stroll up the aisles can for some turn into a religion or a nightmare. And sings the theme song.

21.30 New Homes from Hell 22.30 Traffic Jams from Hell Looks like a night of hell on ITVé2.

23.30 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.35 Teleshopping

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Tarzan 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons X Files agents Mulder and Scully are called in to investigate Homer's claims that he has had an encounter with an extraterrestrial. BEST EPISODE EVER! 21.00 Prince Harry: Laid Bare 22.00 Aggro 23.00 Britain's Wildest 00.00 Bras Unpadded 01.00 Angel 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment: Smackdown 03.40 Cops 04.10 Law and Order 05.05 Mutant X

14.00 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.20 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 The One Before They Were Friends 18.00 The One After They Were Friends 18.30 The Making of Troy Could this be the film that outgays Top Gun? 19.00 Friends 19.30 Friends 20.00 The One Before They Were Friends 20.30 The One After They Were Friends 21.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind As she builds herself into climax over his live show on Friday, TV Holly finally loses control and jumps off the balcony as a sign of devotion to the foreheaded one.

21.35 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.05 Derren Brown - Mind Control 3 23.05 Infamous Fives 23.35 Infamous Fives 00.05 Infamous Fives 00.35 Infamous Fives 01.05 The Importance of Being Famous 02.05 Fame and Misfortune: Blowing It 03.00 Buried

As S4C except: 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 This Was My War 19.15 Earthquake: 10.5 21.00 How Friends Changed the World Turned us all into vacuous whores.

23.05 FILM: When Harry Met Sally Fo a highly amusing set of tales from this film read Richard “Donnie Darko” Kelly’s teenage set diary in this months Empire magazine - it’s classic. **** 00.50 Today at the Test 01.25 SuperHuman 03.35 Off Centre 04.00 Off Centre 04.30 The Chris Isaak Show Chris has some issues to resolve when his cousin Ordell begins dating his old girlfriends.

05.30 Creatures of the Wild Wood Natural history documentary following a year in the lives of various woodland creatures that inhabit Britain's forests, including deer, rabbits, foxes, sparrowhawks, badgers and Riath.

Well I’m afraid you’ve been pretty bereft of TV Andy wisdom this week as there’s been plenty to talk about: sorry for being shite!

SUMMER BALL Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Metalheads 07.15 Super Duper Sumos 07.35 Arthur 08.05 Fairly Odd Parents 08.30 The Saturday Show 10.00 The Mysti Show 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Diagnosis Murder 13.00 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Final: Manchester United v Millwall Hide your belongings and stay out of town as the thugs from Millwall come to Cardiff.

17.30 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.50 I'd Do Anything The Linda Barker story.

18.40 Strictly Come Dancing Eight celebrities compete in a ballroom dancing competition including Natasha Kaplinsky, David Dickinson, Lesley Garrett, Claire Sweeney. The first couple will be voted out today, let’s hope it’s that rancid tart Sweeney.

19.45 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 20.30 Test the Nation: The National IQ Test 2004 21.50 BBC News; Weather 22.10 Test the Nation: The National IQ Test 2004 23.20 Match of the Day: FA Cup Final: Mancester United v Millwall 00.15 FILM: Mr Majestyk Fastpaced action thriller about a Vietnam veteran, now a melon farmer, who incurs the wrath of the local Mob when he foils a jailbreak attempt by one of their men. Sounds appalling - Charles Bronson stars as the Melon Farmer. ** 01.55 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.50 A Question of Sport 03.20 Top of the Pops 03.50 Joins BBC News 24

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

Sunday

Today in your Union

Page 28

May 17-23 2004

jiggamortis@gotanycharlie.net

THE TAF DRINK AS U THINK Quiz Free Entry.

Free drinks for winners of each round. Random mystery prizes.

Crate of beer to quiz winner.

Prizes for 2nd and 3rd place

LESS THAN JAKE GREAT HALL £12.50adv. 7pm Taking a cue from its diverse fan base, Less Than Jake refuses to conform to one musical style, shunning categorization and keeping one step ahead of the confines of buzzwords by mixing metal and hip-hop into its unique brand of pop ska.

The Horse Soldiers BBC1 5.15pm

Coupling BBC Three 10pm

Sun, Sea and Silicone How Gay is Gordon Ramsay? Sky One 10pm Sky One 12am

06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day: FA Cup Final: Mancester United v Millwall Just incase you didn’t see Millwall getting the resounding beating they so richly deserved yesterday. And then the street. beatings in Westgate Street.

09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Call My Bluff 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 Dad's Army 13.30 Keeping Up Appearances 14.00 EastEnders 16.00 My Family News monkey David Doyle looks excitely like the wee kid in this programme the one with glasses. Trust me.

16.30 Points of View 16.45 BBC News; Weather 17.10 Songs of Praise 17.45 The RHS Chelsea Flower 18.45 Show Pansies.

19.30 Antiques Roadshow 20.00 Ground Force Revisited 20.50 Casualty The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries Hands up who’s ever seen this? I mean really, my parents are tedious TV-obsessed crisp-munching winos who are suckers for every kind of crass detective drama and even they don’t even know what this is about.

22.35 FILM: Pushing Tin ** 00.40 FILM: Murder at Devil's Glen Now this is how to title a film. The plot of the film, unfortunately sounds completely awful and a bit like I Know What You Did Last Summer only more boring, but still - if you were going to commit a murder, face it, it’d be in a place called Devil’s Glen. ** 02.05 Joins BBC News 24 Speaking of murder, Hayley Westenra’s version of Wuthering Heights reached my

06.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 06.40 Angelmouse 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Taz-Mania 07.20 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Escape 12.10 FightBox 12.40 Big Screen Britain 12.50 Cagney and Lacey 13.35 FILM: Mrs Miniver **** 15.45 The Great Manchester Run People running around Manchester.

17.15 FILM: The Horse Soldiers ** Hosses with guns.

19.10 The Boat Programme about a boat.

20.00 Top Gear Some top gear here, I think.

21.00 Football Diaries Thursday 29 - She’ll be walking towards the doctors surgery opposite the Co-op REMEMBER crowbar and Viagra are in the medicine cupboard.

22.00 Kingdom Hospital Read Andy’s recommendation of the Danish original...now! Do it!

22.45 The Fast Show Yeah, it got tired near the end, but it’s surprising how going back to this now, it’s not bad. Let’s not go overboard and say it’s sidesplitting, or even vaguely worth of a weak, watery smile. But at least it’s not awful. 23.15 15 Storeys High 23.45 FILM: Seconds **** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Get Reading, Get Writing Stop watching. 03.00 IT for Work 04.00 IT for Retirement 05.00 New Arrivals Review: Picture of Jet which is on the wall of the GR office.

Jesus Christ have I never seen such a bunch of trampy, unsavoury bunch of assholes.

Musically aside, this quartet of Quasimodo style are ugly, toothless, ALL have disjointed inbred faces, and as for the one on the right’s “come to bed” eyes - positively wretched. My rating - 0/10.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Fingertips 09.40 The Yuk Show 10.00 The Big Bang 10.20 The Ark 10.50 My Favourite Hymns 11.50 ITV News; Weather 11.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.05 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 15.15 FILM: Winning *** 17.30 Antiques Auction 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.15 Waterfront 18.45 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Todd comes out to Sarah tonight. I just saw a picture of Karl naked except for strategically placed boxing glove.

20.00 20.00 Heartbeat So stomach-lining damagingly NICE, if I were a terrorist or armed robber, I’d attack during the ad break in this - the people watching would probably make me tea as I wielded various weapons at them.

21.00 Hell's Kitchen Gordon Ramsay getting himself about a bit more.

22.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 18 Possibly with Steve Penk, but since he was rightfully given the sack from his radio show for not being in the least bit funny, maybe not. He’s a right cunt. 23.00 ITV News 23.15 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Fucking motor racing! Oh lets see - Michael Schumacher wins again and everyone prematurely ejaculates because Jenson “I’m fit, nice and rich and will look good selling your product” Button came third.00.20 Faith and Music 01.00 Motorsport UK 01.30 Building the Dream 02.00 Bridezillas Anyone whose ever seen this - call me.

02.25 Trisha

06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs 07.05 Football: South American Championship 07.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 10.00 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break 13.05 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 18.30 Newyddion 18.35 Pobol y Cwm 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21.00 Crwydro 21.45 Hannibal: The Man Who Hated Rome 23.15 How Friends Changed the World 01.20 Today at the Test 01.50 Children of Abraham 02.50 FILM: Crash I’ve never watched this damn film so frankly I can’t even be bothered to try. I mean just LOOK at the size of this space I have to fill. I pity myself sometimes I really do. OK right I’ll get the star rating for Crash out the way first - here you go: ****. Presumably that’s one star for every controversial sex scene. Is it possible to make a controversial film that isn’t a> critically lauded or b> fantastically popular? Deputy Editor Alex nominates Baise-Moi. I at this point think I shouldn’t have brought the subject up. So instead, here’s an extract from the script for film I’m writing. It’s called High Fidelity For Illiterate Tosspieces Who Think Led Zeppelin are the Most Important Band in Musical History.

Byron Bedfellow: Gee Marcus, I was thinking these people what come in here don’t know shit from their arse if they don’t dig Physical Graffiti.

Honker: Yo there Byron I think you right, I mean, just listen to the guitar sound. It’s like they’re four guys playing in different bands! <student avec pro-cannabis tshirt enters. Film implodes with pure haggard student horror>

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 09.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Make It Big 11.00 Morris 2274 11.15 Aliens among Us 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Divine Designs 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Ice ** 15.25 FILM: The Poseidon Adventure *** 17.35 five news and sport 17.40 FILM: Aftershock *** 20.00 FILM: Armageddon Bring on Aerosmith! *** 22.50 Extreme? Natural Disasters 23.50 Global Storming: The Making of The Day After Tomorrow Deep Impact with ice and Jake Gyllenhaal with frostbite. Has very strong potential to be awful (sample board room meeting: “Hmmm - what sort of natural disaster haven’t we covered yet?”), but basically: if you don’t fancy Jake Gyllenhaal you’re either a lesbian or stupid so there’s that, and frequent as we see it at the flicks, you can really never have enough mindless natural destruction of the Statue of Liberty.

00.20 World’s Wildest Police Videos I like how these sorts of programmes involving serious crime are classed as entertainment. 01.05 Major League Baseball: Chicago Cubs v St Louis Cardinals 04.30 V8 Supercars: Pukekohe 05.20 Motorsport Mundial Mundane more like. Oh just go away. If is wasn’t for you readers, I wouldn’t have to write this stupid page every week.

19.00 Who Rules the Roost 20.00 Strictly Come Dancing On Three 21.00 Bodies 22.00 Coupling 22.30 Little Angels 22.45 Kingdom Hospital 23.25 Trauma on Three 23.55 Love for Sale: Family Affair 00.25 Bodies 01.25 Who Rules the Roost 02.20 Strictly Come Dancing On Three Omnibus 03.20 Trauma on Three Why does BBC Three insist on reminding us that the program we are watching is “on Three”.

Are we really expected to be so monumentally cretinous as to not be able to remember what channel we are watching?

Patronising gits.

Anyway: I’ve got space to be afilling so here’s TV John’s revision-tastic music choices. The eerie Ghost Tropic by Songs:Ohia, the religious banjo strumming of Sufjan Stevens, the amazing-although-obviouslynot-as-good-as- 69 Love Songs new Magnetic Fields album, called simply I. I also want Pedro the Lion’s children and am still seeing The Shins. Yo!

09.25 American Idol 10.15 American Idol 11.05 Love on a Saturday Night 12.10 Movies Now 12.20 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts 19.00 American Idol Special: The Final Three 19.50 American Idol 20.40 American Idol 21.30 Coronation Street 22.00 Hell's Kitchen: Extra Portions Mark Durden-Smith presents interviews, previously unseen footage, and temper tantrums from the kitchen, while Jordan on the red carpet gets all the latest gossip. What the hell is this Hell’s Kitchen anyway?

Why is TV Desk favourite and new best friend Jordan doing on it? It appears by all accounts to be a cross between Ready Steady Cook and 24 Hour Quiz.

Only more crap. I was growing to like Gordon Ramsay, but him as the new Simon Cowell? Pah. 23.00 Hell's Kitchen Live 01.00 Entertainment Today 01.50 Sheena 02.40 Teleshopping 04.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.00 Trisha

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 Pokemon Advanced 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Flaunt Fab 5 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Futurama 17.30 The Simpsons 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 Double or Nothing changed. 22.00 How Gay is Gordon Ramsay? 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Sun, Sea and Silicone 01.00 P.I. 01.25 P.I. 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 03.30 Law and Order 04.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation

14.00 Making the Band 2: Hip Hop 14.25 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.25 Dawson's Creek 16.25 The Making of Troy “Yeah basically we thought it would be a good idea to make a boring, over the top pile of crap loosely based on the story of Troy, and then stick Brad Pitt in a toga, a skirt and then pretty much nothing at all, and make a small fortune.”

17.00 Friends 17.30 Faking It 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC Not to be confused with Kavanaugh QC. 20.25 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 ER 23.30 Infamous Fives 00.00 The Making of Troy 00.30 What Sadie Did Next 01.00 The OC 01.50 The Secret Life of Us 02.45 The Secret Life of Us Hahahahaha brilliant - I’ve just noticed there’s a program on Sky One called How Gay is Gordon Ramsay?

Priceless.

06.00 Tales of a Wise King Moral shite. 06.05 Grabbit the Rabbit Animated shite. 06.15 The Hoobs Educational shite.

06.40 The Hoobs More educational shite. 07.05 Football: South American Championship Transatlantic shite. 07.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus Blonde shite. 10.00 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand 12.35 The Lunch Break Tasty shite.

13.05 Cricket: First Test: England v New Zealand Daylong shite. 18.30 The OC College shite. 19.30 Channel 4 News Contemporary shite.

20.00 Vincent: The Full Story Earless shite. 21.00 FILM: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me Just plain old shite. *** 22.50 FILM: Police Academy Hilarious shite. ** 00.35 Today at the Test Boring shite. 01.10 FILM: Cross of Iron pretentious shite. *** 03.40 Football: South American More transatlantic shite. 05.40 The Year of the Fox Furry shite. I think this just about sums up my mood and opinion of the television presented to us by Channel 4 this fine Sunday.

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

“

Cheats have prospered

”

Mark Hughes, Wales manager, May 2004 Chris Taylor in Profile

page 31

Men’s Cricket back on track

below.

Issue 763 17 May 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Men’s Hockey win Welsh Shield. Page 31

Wales’s Euro dreams remain grounded. Below.

Welsh Euro 2004 hopes finally dashed Last-ditch Lausanne appeal leaves Mark Hughes livid as Wales lose out

By Thom Airs Deputy Sports Editor THE WELSH FOOTBALL Association’s third and final attempt to reach this summer’s European Championship finals has failed, leaving a bitter taste in Mark Hughes’s mouth, "It's disappointing and frustrating because cheats have prospered," sniped the Welsh manager.

Two previous appeals to UEFA, claiming that Russia had fielded an ineligible player in the qualification

Mark Hughes: angered

play-offs, proved unsuccessful, leaving Mark Hughes’s men to take their claim to the highest possible level.

Egor Titov played 60 minutes of the second play-off game despite failing a drugs test that took place after the first leg. Titov was banned from football for one year but insists he was given the illegal substance bromantan by mistake.

The Court of Arbitration for Sport, the highest sporting appeal court, ruled in Russia’s favour, effectively quashing Wales’s claims that the whole Russian team knew of, and attempted to conceil Titov’s misdemeanour.

The FAW, who have forked-out a rumoured £250,000 over the course of the appeal, were down-beat after last week’s hearing, "We had overcome the major hurdle of jurisdiction, but could not prove that Russia were implicated in Titov taking the drug" said FAW secretary general David Collins.

Despite the outcome of the appeal, Collins hoped that the CAS's decision would eradicate any future scandals, "National associations will now have to look at their regulations with regard to doping. Hopefully Uefa and Fifa will take this case into consideration."

The Russian camp were in a boiste-

Easy Breesey Cardiff victory

By James Woodroof Cricket Correspondent CARDIFF 1ST XI produced a defiant fightback to beat St. Mary’s to keep their hopes of avoiding relegation alive.

Having been deducted three points

by BUSA - a communication breakdown meant Cardiff did not provide an umpire for their previous match - it was essential that they record a victory in order to stand a genuine chance of avoiding the Premier League cull come the end of the season.

Cardiff captain Gareth Lambe won the toss and elected to place his faith in a strong bowling attack, taking to the field in an attempt to pile early pressure on his London rivals.

After a disappointing performance in the field against Bristol, there was a marked improvement as spinners James Gray and James Breese, along with paceman Warren Stafford, restricted St. Mary’s to a modest 190 all out.

After such a performance in the field, Cardiff ’s opening batsmen could look forward with optimism to returning to the crease after a twoweek absence.

Muse and Lambe were dismissed early on as the St. Mary’s pace attack set about their business with genuine speed, causing all sorts of problems for Cardiff’s top order.

Having provided a fulcrum around

which Cardiff could build a healthy score, it was particularly disappointing when Simon Cane-Hardy was needlessly run out.

Fears were abound of a collapse reminiscent of the recent defeat to Bristol and those fears were accentuated as the middle-order failed to significantly dent St. Mary’s now impressive looking total.

Cardiff ’s cause was helped as the St. Mary’s attack gave away 50 extras as a period of erratic bowling gave Lambe’s side an outside chance of victory.

As Cardiff stuttered at 100-7, hopes were fading as wickets were beginning to run out.

At a time when determination was needed in abundance, Ian Jack and James Breese came to the crease and hit, in the circumstances, an astonishing 75 runs in less than 15 overs to propel Cardiff to an unlikely victory.

The partnership, characterised by some crashing strokes, stole victory for Cardiff from St. Mary’s grasp and means positive results in their remaining fixtures could yet see them stave off the threat of relegation.

Figures: St.Mary’s 190 all out: Stafford 9.4-1-28-4, Jack 9-0-44-1, Breese 10-1-30-1, Jenner 7-030-1, Gray 9-1-24-2, Woodroof 40-16-1.

Cardiff 191-8: Breese 41 not out, Jack 31 not out.

rious mood after the result of the hearing, "I think they just wasted their time and money with all their appeals," said Alexander Tukmanov, executive director of the Russian Football Union.

Veteran winger Ryan Giggs has hit out at the decision that has condemed the principality to another action-less summer, “We really thought we had a

It’s disappointing and frustrating.

Cheats have prospered Mark Hughes good case, but the way it has been handled by the authorities it seems as though they had already made the decision that Russia were going to go (to the finals).”

Despite his disappointment, Mark Hughes has vowed to look to the future, “It has been a long fight, but at this point we have to draw a line under it. We have two friendlies at the end of the month which we will use to prepare for the World Cup qualifiers."

Last chance? Giggs may never play championship football for Wales

Sport

May 17 2004

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk

OWEN’S ON THE MONEY

By Gareth Keenan Hockey correspondent Gareth Owen’s extra time winner earned Cardiff University men’s hockey team the Welsh University’s shield, to complete a fantastic cup double.

Owen became the hero for the second time in a week after his late strike won the Welsh University’s Cup earlier in the week.

Facing them this time were a tough Bridgend side in front of a 200 strong crowd at Sofia Gardens.

Bridgend’s physical tactics and hard work ethic combined with a bouncy surface to knock Cardiff off their flowing passing game in the first 15 minutes.

But good work by the Cardiff defence limited Bridgend to a handful of chances, which were comfortably dealt with by goalkeeper Alex Venables.

Chris Rhodes working down the left flank appeared to be the only outlet for Cardiff early on, showing some crowdpleasing close stick skills, but Bridgend remained dangerous on the break, with their direct style turning the Cardiff defence to create a chance that was deflected into the roof of the net only to be disallowed for a previous Bridgend offence.

Cardiff took advantage of the disappointment among the Bridgend players to put some pressure on the opposing defence. Paul Hayes and Rob Sparrow both went close in a period of good play

by Cardiff, stretching the Bridgend backline to create chances which forced good saves.

The crowd could sense a change in the tide, and a flurry of Cardiff short corners toward the end of the half could have provided the breakthrough.

However, the Bridgend defence managed to repel the attacking set pieces, surviving a number of goalmouth scrambles to clear the ball away from

danger The second half saw Bridgend beaten back by concerted Cardiff pressure, the midfield pairing of Mark Dunn and Duncan Courtney dominating the centre of the pitch and crafting attack after attack as Cardiff held possession and territory.

Bridgend dropped more players back to deal with the increased threat, protecting the shooting D and relying on

quick breaks. However, the increasingly comfortable Cardiff defence, led well

by Alex Jones and Jim Dunning dealt easily with the infrequent attacks and provided good ball for the midfield to work with.

The second half passed with increasing frustration from the Cardiff crowd as the threat of extra time and penalty flicks became a distinct possibility as Bridgend held on. Even a late solo effort by the veteran Richard Montague, stealing the ball off the Bridgend centre back and driving in the D, was unable to break the deadlock as he was well closed down by the onrushing goalkeeper.

The first period of extra time showed Cardiff’s superior fitness, as they were able to push on for a winner while Bridgend, having worked hard all game were visibly lagging. Winning a short corner late in the half, Cardiff tried a new option; working the ball back to injector Gareth Owen, who coolly slotted home for his second winner in a week.

Cardiff turned around for the second half keeping their attacking philosophy, retaining possession in the face of a late effort by Bridgend. A goal line clearance by centre back Tony Gough, playing through illness, kept the lead for Cardiff as the final hooter was blown.

The trophy was presented to Mark Dunn capping two successful years as captain and playing his last game for the university, as Cardiff secured the title in front of the cheering crowd.

LADIES’ CRICKET

By Charlotte Cloke FINAL SCORE: Cardiff 125-4, Bath 53 all out (30 over innings, played at Llanrumney) The cricket season finally got under way for the Ladies team after rain had cancelled all previous matches. Cardiff lost the toss and were sent into bat by Bath.

Captain Katy Lee had an explosive start and looked promising until she was caught in the third over, ending on 11 runs.

Dannii Wheelan followed soon after. Cardiff needed a strong partnership to build up a satisfactory score. Both Finola Wakefield and Kirstern Davies accompanied Cat Wray at the crease as she hit the Bath bowling attack all around the park. Laura Piper proved to be a solid partner and with Wray, managed to bat out the whole innings.

Piper ended on 11, with Wray reaching a magnificent 70 not out including 9 boundaries.

In the Bath innings, Cardiff proved to have a solid bowling side with no-one in the opposition showing any serious threat of taking the match away from the home team. Both Davies and Wray had tidy spells, both claiming vital wickets. Wray ended with figures of 5-22, with Davies on 2-24.

Wheelan finished off the opposition with her 2 overs, and claimed 2 wickets whilst only conceding 4 runs. Bath were all out after 17 overs.

Woman of the match honours went to Cat Wray after an excellent display with both the bat and ball.

GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT to and from matches is also tricky for Chris, who plays for the national league side the Welsh Wanderers, “The game is not professional in this country so we don’t get paid. It probably costs me £500 a year in travel expenses.”

Since becoming ‘Fresher of the Year’ in 1999, Taylor has led the university team to four BUSA championships in the last six years, something which he partly ascribes to the continued support of the

GR SPORT FOLIO Chris Taylor Water Polo team

By Thom Airs FOR A MAN WHO has represented his countr y at the Commonwealth games, Chris Taylor adopts a surprisingly understated tone as he describes his impressive career.

But then, water polo is an understated game, lacking any sustained interest beyond the strongholds of Italy and former Eastern Bloc countries.

Taylor, who is studying for an MBA at the university’s business school, turned to water polo at the age of 16 after narrowly missing out on selection to the Welsh swimming squad, “I was training for 14 hours a week to be a swimmer, and when I failed to qualify by 0.1seconds I turned to water polo.”

Water polo clubs are thin on the ground in Wales but Taylor was for-

tunate, “My father ran the local club were I grew up in Carmarthen, but England certainly leads the way in terms of number of clubs; there aren’t many in Wales.”

Despite any real funding, Chris has managed to play in front of some large crowds and even the future monarch, “When Prince William played in Cardiff it was a sell-out but they weren’t there for the water polo. The Commonwealth Games was an amazing experience, despite us finishing bottom of the group we played in front of packed arenas.”

Getting to such events has meant hard work for the 24 year-old postgraduate, “I play about four hours of water polo a week and do swimming on top of that. It’s a very physically demanding sport.” Travelling

Athletic Union, “The Union has helped us out with the use of the minibuses and free pool time, and the Bursary Scheme is fantastic.”

The Bursary Scheme, which is now a well-established system within the university, allows Cardiff ’s leading sportspeople to benefit from monetary, psychological and nutritional help.

Consistently the water polo team’s top scorer, Chris is certainly earning his place on the scheme and

hopes to continue playing the sport long into the future, “Players don’t really reach their peak until they’re 27 or 28 so I’ve still got some way to go.”

The 2006 Commonwealth Games in Australia are Taylor’s next target, and perhaps the three-time BUSA gold medallist can make a splash on the world stage, “A win at the Commonwealths is all I want. We finished last in 2002 and I don’t want a repeat of that!”

gair rhydd

By John Stanton Sports Editor AS A TURBULENT year draws to a close for Cardiff University sport, Ian Jack and James Breese helped men’s 1st XI cricket restore pride and optimism with a devastating comeback, which may yet stave off the threat of relegation and maintain their position at the summit of university cricket.

While the recent triumph of men’s hockey in the Welsh Universities Cup demonstrated Cardiff ’s undoubted sporting potential, the summer sports have been left to salvage an otherwise disappointing sporting year.

Failure at the final hurdle has dogged Cardiff ’s season, epitomised by men’s AFC last week losing their cup final in the most devastating way possible, the dreaded penalty shootout. Such disappointments have tarnished what has at times promised to

SPORT FOLIO

WELSH WOE

gr sport meet water polo star Chris Taylor

Mark Hughes and co will not enjoy Euro 2004

See page 31

See page 30

be a season to celebrate for Cardiff ’s sporting elite.

As a curtain of misery looked set to descend upon another sporting year, Jack and Breese assumed the lead roles and steered Cardiff ’s cricketers to a victory which at one stage seemed beyond them.

It has, however, been a year in which individual excellence, characterised by international recognition for many of Cardiff ’s finest, has largely overshadowed team achievements.

For every team disappointment and cup final defeat, there has been an individual success story, be it a gold medal or the career highlight of being selected to represent an array of countries.

While such success is not overtly reflected in Cardiff ’s BUSA standings, it is representative of the fine support offered to international athletes by the Athletic Union.

Ian Jack stands firm as Cardiff beat St.Mary’s - Full report Page 30 GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■DEIGO’S WATCH OUT WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO EURO 2004■AIRS: “ALEX HAS WANKED OVER ME”■STANTON IS A BIG OAF WHO WEARS DUNGAREES AND CRUSHES BABIES