gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
INVESTIGATIONS gair rhydd uncovers the growing trend of landlords exploiting international students
rhydd free word - EST. 1972
ISSUE 758. MARCH 8 2004
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CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM
What’s
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Your union this fortnight
STRIKE LOTTO No assessment - no graduation
AUT strike threatens graduation 2004 By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor STUDENTS WILL not graduate this summer unless AUT lecturers are allowed back into negotiations over pay and conditions, staff warned this week. Graduation 2004 is under threat after 81 per cent of lecturers voted to boycott the marking of students’ work in the next stage of the AUT strike. As of Monday March 1, AUT members have abandoned assessment-related work in a protest against pay and conditions. The move follows the breakdown of talks between the Association of University Teachers (AUT) and the University and Colleges Employees Association (UCEA).
Lecturers who belong to the AUT union are now refusing to mark any coursework or set any exam questions. And with AUT membership varying between departments, a subject lottery has emerged. Those departments with very few or no AUT members are unlikely to be affected, with assessment continuing as normal. But students in heavily dominated AUT departments will receive no further assessment until negotiations re-open. To date, the biggest direct impact on students has been the cancelling of lectures on February 23 and 25. But the latest move in the pay dispute now presents a threat to the excess of 5,000 Cardiff University students set to graduate in July and the student body as a whole as they progress to the next year. The boycott begins during the week
that graduation packs have been sent out to all final year students. One week on, and the ramifications are becoming clear. One ENCAP department was due to submit its summer exam questions last Monday to be proofed, before the final Academic Registry deadline later this month. None have been written. University AUT staff are now urging all students to write to the vice chancellor Dr David Grant, urging him to avoid the potentially catastrophic effects of the action. Since the boycott began, the AUT has also encouraged students to approach VCs and ask them to grade unmarked coursework. Dr Grant has this week posted a university-wide message on the electronic notice board explaining why the University supports the boycott.
Boycotting follows a week of lecture cancellations up and down the country, and has left a sour taste in the mouths of many students. One final year student told gair rhydd, “I do understand the reasons behind the action and agree that lecturers deserve better pay. “But things have gone too far now, and it’s not fair on the students who have worked for at least three years to have this hanging over them in their final term.” Despite the potentially devastating effect on students, the NUS has backed the boycott. President Mandy Telford told gair rhydd last week, “The NUS will continue to stand shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with our staff and lecturers up and down the country.” It emphasised this week that students should not be angry with lectur-
ers, because their contracts are with the institution itself – not individual lecturers. AUT general secretary Sally Hunt said, “My members are not doing this because they want to hurt students, but because they have no choice.” The Union also claims that accepting the current offer would result in lecturers losing £6,300 over eight years. Academic-related staff - including senior librarians and information services staff - are also involved in the boycott. Call-out cover, job appraisals and working for absent colleagues have all ground to a halt along with the negotiations. Students wishing to protest to the University should write to the vice chancellor, Dr David Grant in the Main Building, Park Place.
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grnews@cf.ac.uk
At
a glance
News Investigetion Editorial Letters Listings Health Competitions Media Jobs & Money Taf Od TV Listings Five Minute Fun Comedy Problem Sport
1 5 6 9 10 12 13 14 17 18 19 27 28 29
EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson
ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss, Will Talmages EDITORIAL AND OPINION A.J Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony GRAB Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Rob Sharples, Alys Southwood, Ros Dewey, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS
Bonnie Austin, Paul Dicken, Clara Dodman, David Doyle, Chris Senior, Joao Martins, Rhiannon Spellman, Sylvia Traganida, Gemma Watkins, Daniele Ihns, Leticia Tiharukorin, Andrés SchipaniAdúriz, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Lindsay Gowlett, Ruth Dickinson, Maura Brickell, Dan Keel, Shaun Loven, Alexander Chassigmon, Perri Lewis, Nicola York, Alex Dove, Rhys Teifi, Rhys Iorwerth, Ioan Owen, Beca Murphy, Thom Airs, Davina Powell, Hannah Pole, Tom Brown, Ben Right, Tom Poole
ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union
Cardiff first fair trade city By Bonnie Austin Reporter
CARDIFF OFFICIALLY became the first Fairtrade capital City in the world on March 1. The purpose of a Fairtrade City or Town is to contribute to the Fairtrade foundation’s aim of tackling poverty by enabling disadvantaged producers from poor countries to receive a better deal, through encouraging support for the Fairtrade mark. Unlike most products available to consumers, Fairtrade products ensure certain benefits for producers. They are guaranteed a fair price no matter how low the market price falls and receive a premium to invest in social, economic and environmental development. It also promotes the empowerment of growers by recognising genuinely democratic farmers’ organ-
isations and progressive plantations prepared to engage with their workforce. Fairtrade is something that Cardiff wants to support and has shown that it can support. It is clearly something then, which we as a powerful student body in Cardiff can make a difference to. On average, a person spends £60 a year on chocolate, whereas a cocoa farmer may get £50 a year income from his cocoa. By choosing to buy Fairtrade chocolate, tea and coffee while shopping, consumers can ensure a more widespread demand for faitrade products. The cocoa company ‘Kuapa Kokoo’ supplying to The Day Chocolate company, (the largest fairtrade chocolate company) sell 4 per cent of their cocoa under fairtrade conditions, which allows farmers to
educate their children and be lifted out of poverty. But this 4 per cent can be raised dramatically, doubling incomes and preventing poverty. Millions of farmers across the world want to be part of Fairtrade. Twenty five million coffee farmers face severe economic hardship because they get such a small price for their beans. By switching to fairtrade consumers can open the way for more farmers to earn a fair price for their produce. The beginning of the month also marked the beginning of Fairtrade Fortnight across the country. In the next week look out for people promoting Fairtrade products in your local supermarket and take some time to read the information given to you by supporters of fairtrade. For the evening of Wednesday March
Word on the street: ANDREW CHASTON, 5TH YEAR MECHANICAL ENGINEERING Every year it is to important vote, but this year more than ever as the unithe medics. ver sity is merging with experience st mo the with s ate Candid position to t bes the will probably be in gimmicks the but , sad It’s . this deal with ; people ers vot the seem to influence nifestos. ma the d rea to her bot should
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ON MONDAY March 1 students staged a protest outside STA travel on the first floor of the students’ union. People and Planet society, in coordination with the Burma Campaign UK, joined a national protest to stop STA travel selling travel to Burma. STA and its parent company Diethelm Keller ltd - actively promote travel and tourism in Burma, an industry that is widely considered to benefit the Burmese government, but not the people of Burma. The UK lobbying of STA travel is
Union elections
DUNCAN SKEHENS 3RD YEAR PHILOSOPHY
JONATHAN SHINE 2ND YEAR PSYCHOLOGY
"I will be voting (for the first time), but it seems to ates me that many of the candid off from last l experience within cia cru k lac and we will Still it’s nice to see so year: get some new ideas approach the union/AU. to ng goi ’re ting involved with get vote for you. If you ple many peo m a the buy , ody Wo y wouldthe in voters campaigning. I just wish the vote, but se. hou my drink first! ! I will defiantly und aro n’t do it year stunot if you wear a wig. First t. res inte re mo e by Clara Dodman dents need to tak
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Campaigns are good, but the masking tape is a rip-
STA Travel under protest By Paul Dicken Reporter
10, the People and the Planet society have organised an event in Seran Las to celebrate Fairtrade Fortnight and bring more awareness of fairtrade into the university. There will be plenty of live music and good fun! Fairtrade is about better prices, decent working conditions, local sustainability, and better terms of trade for farmers and workers in the developing world. Fairtrade addresses the injustices of conventional trade which traditionally discriminates against the poorest, weakest producers. Many products are available under the fairtrade mark including, coffees, teas, bananas, cocoa, chocolate, biscuits, wine, juice, fruit, honey and sugar. For more information on fairtrade visit www.fairtrade.org.uk or cardifffairtrade@yahoo.co.uk
an attempt to add the company to a growing list of companies that are no longer operating in Burma. Since 1962 Burma has been ruled by a military government with the current governing council coming into power in 1988. In 1990 a political party called the National Legaue for Democracy (NLD) won the national elections, but were prevented from taking power by the military. Aung Suu Suu Kyi - the leader of the NLD - has been under house arrest for most of the time since the 1990 elections, and members of the NLD have been frequently detained by the existing government. A UN envoy visited Burma last week to encourage the government to implement the political reforms in the wake of international attention to Burma’s current human rights record. Outside STA travel in the union the company had errected a poster stating that STA Travel does not promote travel to Burma (see photo). However, after investigating on the internet, gair rhydd found that they are still promoting trips to Burma via their website.
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News
March 8 2004
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grnews@cf.ac.uk
Democracy in crisis Presidential candidates at hustings 2004 By Peter Bramwell News Editor THIS YEAR’S Students’ Union elections have been marred by a string of incidents, including accusations of dirty tricks by some candidates, frustration at the lack of union organisation and a dismal turnout out at the hustings. And this has raised worries that, as the most successful students’ union in the UK, Cardiff is failing to meet the democratic standards required from a body that represents upward of 15,000 students.
Concerns have arisen that publicity for the elections by this year’s executive has been poor, leading to a near-complete lack of interest from the general student population. The hustings in particular has been labelled ‘a farce’ due to the small number who attended, most of whom were part of candidates’ campaign teams. The event, which gave students the chance to assess this year’s candidates, was supposed to begin at 6.30pm on Thursday but a shambolic level of organisation from the union left the crowd waiting for an hour as organisers searched for P.A. equipment.
The lack of communication between candidates and the student electorate has sparked worries that students will not fully appreciate who they are voting for. Instead, candidates have been forced to lead Punch and Judystyle campaigns, priviledging style over substance, but telling the voter little about what they stand for. Only last week the campaigns of at least three candidates running for AU President were hit by underhand tactics - having their posters torn down or defaced. One candidate’s publicity material had the words "wanker" and "twat" written across it.
Another candidate’s posters were taken down from the Aberconway building while material for other postions was left untouched. The candidate, who cannot be named due to reporting restrictions, told gair rhydd, "You’d think being from the AU they’d know how to play fair. "I’m concerned that this is the future of the AU - underhand tactics and dishonest cheating." Masking tape has now also been banned from all future union election campaigns after one girl was hospitalised after she slipped and fell on tape used to advertise one candidate.
SABOTAGED: AU-Vice’s campaign sticker vandalised
Union elections marred by disappointment
Ivy League danger University endorses CocaTop US universities plan to set up campuses in Britain By David Doyle Reporter THE PRESTIGIOUS US ‘Ivy League’, which includes universities such as Princeton, Harvard and Yale, could set up campuses across the UK by the end of the decade. And this comes as a real danger to the current system of state-controlled universities in Britain. Andrew Oswald, professor of Economics at the University of Warwick, has predicted that these schools will offer world-class research facilities and resources funded by full-cost fees - something British universities could not match. From 2006, British institutions will be limited by the government to charge a maximum top-up fee of £3,000. While some poorer students will be able to benefit from these facili-
ties through scholarships, the majority of students could need to look for fees similar to Harvard’s $37,928 bill for 2003-04 (roughly £20,000 a year). Many British institutes may also experience a ‘brain drain’ as underpaid lecturers flock to the higher salaries the Ivy League could pay. Although there are no official plans to set up a British campus yet, one Ivy League University source commented that they were “heavily into globalisation”. Natasha Hirst, President of NUS Wales, fears that the introduction of Ivy League universities in Britain could “potentially add to the reinforcement of a market in higher education, which is obviously not a good thing.” In light of the recent concern over top-up fees, the Ivy League is perhaps another signpost that education is becoming less of a right and more of a privilege.
Cola’s ‘purified tap water’ By Chris Senior & Joao Martins CARDIFF UNIVERSITY is replacing more familiar brands of mineral water on sale around campus – including local welsh water - with Dasani, Coca-Cola’s infamous brand of purified tap water. The £7 million UK launch of Dasani has recently attracted the attention of the national press, voicing criticism from the water supply industry who resent the implication that the tap water is impure. The University is yet to comment officially on why they have introduced the product into vending machines and catering outlets. However, an anonymous source within the University told gair rhydd that they were simply taking advantage of a commercial opportunity and that Dasani would only be a temporary fixture in University catering outlets.
The cheek of selling tap water at up to 95p a bottle is just the latest chapter in the long and controversial history of one of the world’s global corporations. In the last year alone, Coca-Cola has been accused of involvement in the assassination of eight Trade Union leaders in Columbia, come under fire for their support of the Israeli Government, and been successfully taken to court following the over-exploitation and contamination of scarce water resources in Kerala, India. Cardiff University societies ‘People and Planet’ and ‘Alt and Shift’ are actively encouraging people to boycott Dasani water, along with all other Coca-Cola products. Students have already displayed an overwhelming preference for the more local Brecon water. A spokesperson from the cafeteria in the Main Building stated that they
TAP WATER: Dasani were currently selling 12 cases a week, compared to only 2 of the Dasani – in spite of its higher price at 15p more a bottle.
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grnews@cf.ac.uk
Postgrad plumbers
GONE FOR A SONG
Student loan write-offs By Will Talmage Reporter
By Rhiannon Spellman Reporter
Rising tide roadshow A ROADSHOW on oil, war, climate change and capitalism comes to Splott on Saturday March 13 from 10am to 5pm. Called the ‘Rising Tide Roadshow’, the day of workshops, talks and films will include an update from activists on the current Blackwood road protest. Come along to East Moors Community Centre, Sanquahar Street, Splott, or phone 0775 1568683 for more information.
PHOTO: Daniele Ihns
MORE UNIVERSITY graduates than ever before are applying to become plumbers. Hackney Community College, in East London, has more than 600 applicants for the 35 places on this year’s plumbing course and many are graduates. Geoffrey Lowton, 31, has just finished the course. He said, “I enjoyed my degree but I live in London, I want to have a family and I wanted a job where I could earn £1,000 a week. There’s no way I’d have done that if I’d stayed with anthropology, even with a PhD.” Richard Nissen, an architecture graduate who now runs a London plumbing company, said “There’s more respect for trades now than there used to be: maybe because realising how much tradesmen earn has made everyone sit up.” There is a growing worry that degrees are being outmoded by other considerations. Nissen says children of middle class parents are ‘off doing sports science or media studies at university, but the jobs they feel are their birth right are not there. “At the end of the day, you want a career that will give you the best possible life.”
MILLENIUM CENTRE could host the 2005 Eurovision song contest
Cardiff could host Eurovision By Will Talmage & Sylvia Traganida CARDIFF is the current favourite to host the 2005 Eurovision song contest, according to bookies. The recent success of Welsh-born James Fox in the British nomination for this year’s contest has greatly improved Cardiff ’s chances of hosting the event. The 27-year old has already been given 3-1 odds of win-
Quotes of the Week “If you’re going on a date with someone new, don’t eat asparagus because it’ll make your pee stink.”
ning the competition. Spokesman Carl Williams said: “It’s always provincial. They have held it in Brighton and it has been to Birmingham. As James is from Bargoed, Cardiff has every chance of hosting next year’s Eurovision.’ The soon to be completed Millenium Centre in the Bay could be the venue for the event in 2005, where pop acts from across Europe will come to compete. James Fox will have to beat stiff competition from Sweden and
LOCALFOCUS: How long have you worked at this salon? 16 months Do you offer students a discount? Yes, everyday of the week there is a 15% off hair and beauty
Sheryl Crow: why would her date be sniffing her piss anyway?
“I’ve heard the diva rumours, they crack me up. I’m such a plain Jane” Christina Aguilera: voicing the thoughts of every man in the Northern hemisphere.
Ireland, as well as the current host nation, Turkey. James hopes that his country will support him, saying “I don’t know why we don’t take it seriously in Britain - the rest of Europe does, and we should do the same really.” Following last year’s diabolical performance by British group Gemini, James Fox has already been given 500-1 odds on him scoring nothing. Spokesman Carl Williams said “There’s no way it is going to get nul points.”
NAME OCCUPATION
JUNE MURRAY MANAGERESS OF DESIRE HAIR BEAUTY SALON ALBANY ROAD
Do you get many students coming here for hair and beauty treatment? Yes, being situated in this area we get a lot of students What do you think of students in the area?
MATHS STUDENTS are to be offered top-up fee and student loan write-offs in order to encourage more students to become teachers, a recent Government enquiry suggested. The report estimated that Britain was short of between 3,400 and 3,800 teachers and that drastic measures had to be taken. The study was headed by Professor Adrian Smith of Queen Mary College, London. Professor Smith claimed that the shortage was due to the “perceived lack of depth and challenge in the standard curriculum” and that the top-performers should be “presented with greater challenges.” Further solutions included making use of academics and undergraduates to fill the vacancies and work as teaching assistants. University dons could also act as mentors and conduct “master classes” to encourage pupils and could also encourage their own undergraduates to become maths teachers. There are fears that cancelling student loans could be “hit-andmiss and potentially unfair” as student’s who did not have a student loan or paid their own way through university would not benefit.
Nick Borge, 2nd yr. Maths student “I’d become a teacher but only for a few years. I wouldn’t make career out of it.”
A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS
We have a good laugh with them when they come in. We know some of them really well. We get to know about their families and where they live, their hobbies, what they are doing now and what they want to do in the future. It’s nice to find out what they are up to. Do you find it gets quiter in this area when students go home for the holidays?
Yes, it does go quiet, but it’s nice when they get back from the summer holidays because they tell you where they have been and what they got up to. So any juicy gossip? Well we do hear some stories but nothing you can print! Interview by Gemma Watkins
Investigation
March 8 2004
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VULNERABLE AND EXPLOITED gair rhydd uncovers a growing trend of international students being misled into renting sub-standard housing By Leticia Tiharu Korin and Andrés Schipani-Adúriz Reporters
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ARDIFF UNIVERSITY attracts over 2,600 international students from over a hundred countries, and boasts a first class welfare system to welcome them. The official university website states equal opportunities as a crucial part of its operation. But the experiences of some international students in the private housing sector reveal that often the reality is a far cry from the claims in the prospectus. Kate, a first year student from China, decided to move from University Hall to a private house after being accepted on her undergraduate course at Cardiff Business School. The main reason was the chance of living in a bigger room with more privacy and a quieter place to study. When looking for a house, Kate used a housing list from the Union that she thought would be reliable. After selecting a property, she called the landlord, and she and another Chinese friend went to view one of the houses available for rent. "The landlord was very nice and friendly in the beginning," Kate said. "The location was very convenient but the carpet was quite old, with holes, and the walls needed painting. He promised me that this would be done very soon." In June 2003, after signing a con-
Problems
gair rhydd directory
tract, Kate moved in. But problems emerged after just weeks of living in the property. Kate described the problems. "The plumbing is very old and needs to be changed. The shower does not have enough pressure and there is no hot water. Also, there was no lock on the University Switchboard
front door and the smoke detector was broken. It took weeks before the landlord even came to look." At the time of going to press many of the problems are still unresolved. In September 2003 the landlord offered another contract for the tenants to sign. "It was very strange as we did not have a copy of the first contract and I did not know exactly what it was about. I still do not know if it was an individual or joint contract." Kate added that there was considerable pressure for her to sign the contract. "I asked several times for a copy of the contract, but it was eight months before I received it." The landlord did not give her a receipt for the deposit either, even though Kate paid cash. The problems continued. The landlord is claiming £20 for a fault with the washing machine. Kate reiterated that "If he had sorted the problem before, it would not be broken now." The smoke detector is still not
Kate is disillusioned with accommodation in Cardiff. "More problems will happen in the future and I want to get out as soon as possible." But Kate has no choice but to wait until June, when the contract finishes. She then wants to move back into
Vulnerable University accommodation. "I wish I never moved from halls in the first place." Kate emphasised that being an international student makes her a vulnerable target. "We do not know many people here, so we cannot get help easily." She adds that some of her friends, with the same problem, do not want to talk about it because they are afraid of being threatened, sued or getting into trouble with their landlords. Two exchange students from Spain explained how they found themselves in a similar situation. "Everything was perfect about Cardiff, except for our leasing experience." Their Cathays house was due for one week of essential maintenance. "When we
“I wish I had never moved from halls in the first place.”
Impossible to contact working, and Kate remains very unhappy with her treatment as a tenant. Contacting the landlord also proves a difficult task as he does not answer his mobile phone when the tenants call. "He has our numbers registered on his mobile, so he does not answer the phone when one of us call him. When we ask another person to call him, he takes the call. He does not reply to our messages either." She says that the only way to
Disillusioned talk to him is at the beginning of each month when he comes to collect the rent.
02920 874000
UNION SABBATICAL OFFICERS (02920 781…) Finnbarr Graham President Rami Goussous Societies & Union Secretary Mike Rabjohns inance & Commercial Services Emma Bebington Communications & Community Natasha Hettihewa Equal Opportunities & Welfare Billy Lee Academic Affairs Tristan Thomas Gair Rhydd Editor Tom Brown Athletic Union President NON SABBATICAL OFFICERS Raymond Motsie Black & Ethnic Affairs Officer Joao Martins International Students Officer Lee Gregory Gay & Bisexual Mens Officer Sarah Rennie Students with Disabilities Anna Gruffudd Welsh Affairs Officer Caralyn Richards Women’s Officer Nitin Garg Postgraduate Officer Karen Sharp Xpress Radio Station Manager Alex Macpherson Gair Rhydd Deputy Editor MacphersonA3 Phillip Moody Athletic Union Vice President Bethan Skelton Athletic Union Vice President Beca Murphy IMG Chair STUDENT SERVICES Position Unfilled Student Liaison Officer Keith Cronin Transport Assisiant Huw Roberts Translator John Steele Training & Development Co-Ordinator JOB SHOP Jayne Howorth Unistaff Co-Ordinator ATHLETIC UNION Nick King Sports Development Co-Ordinator Marian Coxshall AU Administrator Adrian Evans Rugby Development RECEPTION Glenys Willacott Reception (Morning) Karen Clissold Reception (Afternoon)
Cave-In signed the lease, the agreement was that the repairs would only take place during one week. After signing it, we discovered that the whole upper floor needed repairs, even the bathroom!" The supposed ‘one week renovations’ lasted for over a month. But the situation was not over, as one student continued, "One night I was watching TV in the living room and almost half of the ceiling came off. I was so scared that I telephoned a friend asking if I could spend the night at his place because I was terrified, I didn’t know if something else was about to happen."
UNIVERSITY
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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place 02920 874 810 GrahamF Director of Student Services GoussousR1 47 Park Place RabjohnsM 02920 874 669 BebingtonE Student Advisory Services HettihewalL1 47 Park Place 02920 874 844 LeeB5 Dyslexia Resource Centre ThomasT4 2nd Floor 45 Park place BrownT3 02920 874 528 Careers Service MotsieM Tel 02920 874 828 MartinsJ2 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs GregoryL4 02920 874 610 RennieS Day Care Centre GruffuddA 02920 874 135 RichardsC Student Advisory Service GargN2 02920 874 844 SharpK Nightline 148 Colum Road 02920 223 993 MoodyP1 Academic Registry SkeltonB1 Tel 02920 874 404 MurphyB2 FACILITIES
424 406 432 489
GriffithsR CroninK RobertsH SteeleJ
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HoworthJ1
437 439 538
KingN2 CoxshallM EvansA12
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Reception Reception
425 427 411 433 428 423 495 438 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 498/501 521 434/436
Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 706 Talybont Sports Centre 02920 874 675 Llanrumney Playing Fields 02920 777 377 RESOURCE CENTRES Opening hours in Semester Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10.00am - 5.30pm Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Law and Trevithick only ) 12.00 noon – 5.00pm
HANGING LOOSE: smoke alarm was broken Regarding the issue that international students are more vulnerable than British, they said, "When we came here we did what everybody recommended us to do. So, we started to look for a place over the listings
Unsure where to go and going to agencies. Now we feel like we cannot recommend that to new international students after our bad experiences; we felt that no one was here to back us up." The landlord told them that the house needed to be renovated and that they accepted its condition when they signed the lease. "In the end, we didn’t do anything mainly because we had absolutely no idea who to
“No hot water, no front door lock, and a broken smoke alarm” Kate, Chinese student
complain to, or who to ask for an explanation or something about how the contracts system works over here. Aside from the fact that we are not British, and that our spoken English is not perfect, we are studying English, not law!" They felt that the agency and the landlord took advantage of their "ignorance" of the letting procedures. Tash Hettihewa, Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer maintained that this is a regular complaint but even so many students - especially international ones - do not let them know about what is going on. The lack of information, the fear of some kind of reprimand could be the main reasons stopping them to go and discuss their issues. "Students don’t complain, which helps to continue the problem." Her main advice is not to rush when signing a lease and to go to the Advice Centre on the third floor of the Students’ Union. She urges the students in similar situations, to "come along and discuss it with us. Everything is confidential. They don’t have to be on their own."
gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC
Editorial & Opinion
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March 8 2004
gropinion@cf.ac.uk
gair
CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY
rhydd EST. 1972
GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK
Our page three story highlights some pretty unscrupulous election campaigns – but union rules prevent gair rhydd from unearthing the true scandal of this year’s elections: the quality of the candidates. This is not a flippant claim – the last few years served offered up several fallow sabbatical teams, to the extent that we are now conditioned to crapness. But this year will surely surpass many others. There are far too many candidates willing to fall back on the tired old promises and unfeasible pie-in-the-sky plans. Thursday’s Question Time did little to appease our fears and a browse through the manifestos makes for uncomfortable reading. How can a candidate running for one of the senior positions think that the exec have decided to take gair rhydd back fortnightly when such matters have never even been discussed? How can someone running for Media Officer make so many grammati-
cal and spelling errors in their manifesto? And perhaps of most concern is the ease by which we can legitimately brand them hypocrites. It’s easy to lose count of the number of people pledging to increase attendance at Student Council – when none of them have ever been near the union’s overarching body. Of course, there are some who shine through the throng of mediocrity – candidates with a real passion for their job role, with inspired ideas and enough energy to survive what can be a tough year. gair rhydd urges you to look through your manifestos and choose officers on the merit of their ideas rather than quantity of masking tape they have managed to spread around Cathays.
Sex lies...
By Lindsay Gowlett
V
irginity and perceptions of sex have been brought to the forefront due to Bristol student Rosie Reid auctioning hers to pay off her debts. This act of prostitution seems to be causing a conundrum for police to demystify. (She is selling sex for money = soliciting = illegal!) It raises questions about the mentality of a man who would pay £8,400 for sex when a usual prostitute would be far cheaper and do the same job. It turns virginity into a commodity-like possession capable of being bought and sold. Sex becomes a purely physical act and no longer a mental one. Romanticised notions of virginity and love seem to dwindle in light today’s society’s expectation of immediate gratification. The number of students losing theirs in freshers’ week while intoxicated shows sex is an act of lust, no longer a symbol of love conquered but of what substantiates one’s conquest. Has virginity lost its importance and has the mere sake of losing it taken over, as in the case of the American Pie guys who were determined not to let their "penises remain flaccid any longer"? Virginity has been viewed as a treatable condition and has negative connotations of inexperience attached, yet it’s a paradox within itself for it’s praised as a symbol of purity and innocence with our culture fetishising virginity on the wedding night. Turkey even made virginity a pre-requisite in women who wanted to be nursing students, midwifes and government applicants, and carried out virginity testing to ensure compliance. Involuntary tests were
carried out on female prisoners and "passing" the virginity test was based on whether or not the hymen was torn which would either make them eligible for marriage or bring dishonour to their families, according to the results. The fact that the hymen could have been torn during sport is irrelevant and the woman is classed as ‘not a virgin’. Due to the human rights violations, virginity testing was banned in 2002. Virginity was crucially a reverence of bodily integrity with more responsibility placed on female- than male chastity. The mediated image is of the mermaid exiled from her magical undersea home to live with the prince or the psychic losing her ability to view the future Once these women have sex or are attached to a man they are ‘lesser’ than before. This propagates the belief that the actual loss of power and autonomy are the result of the loss of virginity. The view that pure innocence is lost is shown through a children’s book which believes after losing one’s virginity one can never touch a unicorn. Sweep away these myths; all human beings were virgins at some point in their lives, so generalised statements such as "Virgins are…" need to encompass the totality of humanity otherwise they’re worthless. Attitudes to sex vary from person to person. If you believe someone’s worthy of the sacrament of your body let the active 10% of your brain submit to the more primal 90%. Yours truly’s first time was a cross between the "electric kool-aid acid test" and an Anne Rice novel. The only worry over Reid’s decision is whether it will set a trend in other students. If prostitution takes your fancy it can be a nice little earner, but for the more ‘respectful’ lot of you, get a job.
Pussy pelmets? By Kerry-Lynne Doyle
M
iniskirts have been this season’s must have fashion accessory; they’ve been worn with Ugg boots, tights, even leggings, and have been a common sight among the female student population in Cardiff during the winter months. And it’s the very fact that miniskirts have been a winter fashion accessory that worries me. I know that my opinion will be very unpopular with the male population (the guys in the gair rhydd office are probably burning my effigy as you read) but I’ve really been quite concerned about this fashion trend. No, I’m not an extreme feminist who believes that women should be covered up and that miniskirts are some male plot to
get us all to show our legs. But I am (at the risk of sounding like every mother in the world) concerned for the miniskirt wearer’s health. It all started when I was walking down the street last December. I was wearing three tops, a huge woollen coat, a scarf and thermal gloves; admittedly fairly predictable winter gear. However, I was shocked to walk past a girl who looked like she was in the throes of pneumonia as she modelled a pelmet with bare legs. She was shivering so much she was almost convulsing and her legs had that ever so attractive cornedbeef/blue pallor. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Then over the next few weeks I noticed that this girl wasn’t some crazed loner; women all across Cardiff were braving sub-zero temperatures in miniskirts just for the sake of fashion. This phenomenon became fascinating to
me as I refused to go outdoors without my knee socks and two sweaters. It became even more bizarre when during a trip to the outdoor ice-rink, my flatmates and I witnessed one of the miniskirt brigade skating tentatively while turning a delicate shade of blue. It was then that I decided that it was a fashion trend gone mad. So next time you see a miniskirt wearer on a freezing cold day, think about how dedicated they are to fashion. They’re willing to sacrifice their health and all common sense for the sake of a trend that will be so last season in a month or two. They deserve to be commended for their bravery (or sheer stupidity, you decide) for greeting the South Wales elements with such flimsy fabric. However, do not expect me to be donning a miniskirt any time soon. Mine are strictly reserved for the summer months.
Ruth Dickinson on bras and being a buxom bridesmaid
I
was 11 years old the first time I was a bridesmaid. I can remember the raw silk puffy sleeves, the pink patent sandals which I got to keep and eating a lot of jelly at the reception. Something tells me this time is going to be more significant. I think the first time a friend (not a family member or a friend or your parents, but one of your close circle) gets married is a kind of a rite of passage. It’s a sign that your contemporaries are growing up, even if you’re not. We went to try the dresses on last weekend. I’d been bitching and moaning about this for ages, told the ever patient bride-to-be that being a bridesmaid was a dubious honour
anyway and complained so much about the fact that the dresses were lilac (not my colour, it washes me out) and strapless (genes have been more than generous to me in the chest department so anything which I cannot wear an industrial strength boulder holder with is a big no-no) that I’m surprised I still got any invitation to the wedding at all. There was a potential Bridget Jones moment in the bridal shop when my dress wouldn’t zip up and the other bridesmaid (size 6, stunning, auburn hair which compliments lilac perfectly) came swishing out of the changing room amid audible gasps of wonder at her beauty. I turn into a whinging tomboy at this point as my way of coping, begging for a matching handbag to
Maura Brickell’s
W
ell surprise, surprise: there is a remake of Starsky & Hutch coming out! Those innovative film geeks in Hollywood must have bust a whole brain cell over their mocha frappacinos for that. "Yeah, let’s like totally re-do Starsky & Hutch. It’s been like totally ages since anyone has remade any of the awesome 1970s totally kitsch TV shows." Granted, Ben Stiller and that guy with the broken nose are pretty damn funny together. But geez, give the remake thing a break.
keep fags in, turning my nose up at the shoes and practically snarling at the dressmaker when she not so tactfully suggested that she could add some nice thick straps to save me wearing a strapless bra. But when my never-out-of-jeansand-trainers best friend stepped out in her bridal dress, the girl in me took over and I welled up. It wasn’t that I was feeling over sensitive about being poked and prodded with a tape measure, or that she looked so beautiful in a dress that could have been made for her, it was that the next time I see her in it, I’ll be following her down the aisle, ready to witness her life changing forever. Well, that and making sure my boobs don’t fall out.
ROOM 101 It’s a power trip thing, a way of proving how far Hollywood has come since that trippy-hippy decade. By remaking something completely dripping with nostalgia, dressing it up with special effects and some pretty faces the fat cats will sell seats. Look at the sorry attempt that is Charlie’s Angels. First mistake: Bill Murray. What the hell is he doing there? Followed by the complete lack of any Farrah Fawcett type goddess is pretty awful too. OK, I realise that Cameron Diaz gives her a run for her money, but come on, Farrah shaped a whole generation’s
hairstyles! They took a kooky TV show that was brilliant just for its pure low budget cheesiness and polished it with Matrixstyle high kicks. Hello? Missing the point slightly and then managing to ignore the true beauty of the original. And what the in Moses’ name was Scooby Doo all about? Sweet Mother! It actually makes me cringe thinking about those two hours watching such a sorry attempt at a film. When there is a cultural item which everyone recognises it is vital for it to resemble something close to the original. Thus, Freddie
Prinze Jr in a blonde wig does not satisfy. The hilarity of Scooby Doo is the thrill of the chase, not Buffy and her blond, bimbo boyfriend. How do the Yankee airheads not understand that these shows are amazing because they are pure cheese crap? By remaking them all spanky and shiny it takes away their original brilliance. Whoa, though, don’t get me wrong; I don’t want the actual shows banished to Room 101. Oh no! It’s the wieners who are cashing in on the nostalgia niche market. They are considered classics for a damn good reason. Leave them alone.
Editorial & Opinion
March 8 2004
Page 7
gropinion@cf.ac.uk
Lineker’s crisper By Dan Keel
F
ootball fans the length and breadth of the country surely shed a tear or two when the BBC lost its TV rights to Premiership football. Within weeks this sadness turned to dismay as they realised what it had been replaced with. Throwing their meat pies and left over curries at the TV, they had every right to feel cheated by the cheap, tacky rubbish ITV produced. Thankfully this era is coming to an end and next season sees a return to the more relaxing and natural setting of Match Of The Day hosted by Gary Lineker, the man who, let’s face it, surprised us all by replacing the irreplaceable Des Lynam. ITV’s adverts were always going to be a problem. Even the mighty Des
could not persuade us to stretch our patience… "Coming up after the break, Bolton versus Fulham at the Reebok Stadium." Even if we did sit and twiddle our thumbs through the ads, the ‘high’ lights would then be brought to a sudden halt with yet more commercials at half-time! But it was the pundit panel that finally finished me off. Big Ron Atkinson did make me chuckle on the odd occasion but for the wrong reasons. I flicked through my mother’s Dulux paint catalogue and eventually found the colour title which matched his orange skin: ‘street lamp.’ Rumour has it that in his brief spell at cashstrapped Nottingham Forest the club saved thousands of pounds in electricity by switching off the floodlights and shining a spotlight onto his forehead. Appearances aside he has provided us with a few gems in his three years. ‘Ron talk’ is now a well established language which has produced various analytical diamonds such as this criticism of Ruud Van Nistelrooy: "Mind you, the big fella was a little easy-easy there, normally he’s a bit of an amusement arcade but on this
occasion he’s missed the little ginger fella playing piggy-doggy in the middle of the park." They say that Britain and America are two nations divided by a common language. But how about ‘Big Ron’ and football? But where Big Ron is so bad it’s funny, Andy Townsend is so bad that I want to give the TV a good toepoking. His constant interruption of people like Ally McCoist, who actually know what they are talking about, could be tolerated if he were to say something other than, ‘that was quality’, ‘cracking finish’ or ‘that was a tad iffy Des’. My request that the initial season’s ‘tactics truck’ be blown up was granted, but unfortunately Townsend had already escaped into the studio. Then there is Des Lynam, and I am sorry to say that even he could not cancel out the drivel that was spoken on the other side of the desk. On Match Of The Day he was relaxed and naturally witty, while now he spends his time advertising forthcoming events and appears tense with his new role of timing discussion to meet advert targets. Every now and again his desire to spark informal chat with
the panel is still evident, but at the end of the day, who wants to talk to Andy Townsend? Finally, his cheeky remarks that used to capture the mood of the nation during moments of footballing importance are now rammed down our throats with such regularity that they have completely lost their magic. The professional Gaby Logan played her part but where Des could not succeed, she never even came close. This, combined with Barry “mullet” Venison and Graham “hit it to Les… over the top… pump it in the goddamn box” Taylor, meant that the show never really stood a chance. Instead we can now look forward to Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson mixing discussion with banter like they have just walked in from the beer garden. They will not patronise their viewers and will only attempt a gag if its funny. I wonder how ITV will sign-off on their final show. I doubt they’ll be able to beat Lineker’s last line on Match Of The Day: "So Manchester United are champions again. It’s so predictable that I don’t think we’ll bother next season. See you after the break."
became apparent that the staff couldn’t give a damn about the fact that us gaining our degrees is quite a huge part of our lives, and that they have no right to put our futures on the line just to satisfy their greed. This affects our plans for the coming years. If w o r s t comes to worst, many of us may be left with nothing to do next year, as postgraduate courses and our jobs depend on us providing employers and academic institutions
with our grades in June or July, but it now seems as if we won’t get our grades, in which case, these jobs and postgraduate places will be given to graduates who have proof of t h e i r achievements. Why is it that staff are taking out their issues concerning salaries on the students? We are not responsible in any way for their salaries. We pay good money to be here - some of us up to £8,000 per year just in fees to get this degree - and this dispute really has nothing to do with us at all,
and we deserve some quality for our money. The thing about it all is that many of the lecturers who I’ve seen actively participating in this industrial action are completely incompetent as lecturers anyhow, why do they think they can disadvantage us when they really don’t deserve a salary increase in the first place? In addition, the students have been asked to send an email to the college Dean to complain, and demand he reopen negotiations; lecturers are pushing us to join the dispute involuntarily. Is this fair? I really don’t think so. What are they thinking? I thought academics had more brains than this, and are capable of seeing that this isn’t very honest of them. Frankly I’m very disappointed with the university at the moment.
Students pay the price of AUT strike action again W by a disgruntled third year
e, as students, are expected to respect our lecturers fully and to be forever grateful for the time they so amicably donate to tutoring us and marking our exams and essays. However, they have never seemed to respect us in any way, which has become very apparent over the past few days. During a 9am lecture we were told by our smiling lecturer that the staff at Cardiff University have no intention of marking any of our work, including exams, until negotiations following the industrial action has been taken up again with the College Dean. In the manner this was explained it
“the staff at Cardiff University have no intention of marking any of our work, including exams”
Student Rant
C
Chris Senior
ardiff was this week officially announced as a Fairtrade city – the first capital in the world to achieve this. In light of this, it is high time that the university followed suit by pushing for Fairtrade status. If an institution the size of Cardiff City Council, the largest employer in Wales, has been able to make the switch to Fairtrade then there is no good reason why our university cannot do the same. Surely their aim to become a world class academic institution, (which has been mentioned so many times in the run-up to the merger with UWCM) needs to include adopting and adhering to ethical policies suitable for the twenty-first century. These should reflect the views of today’s young people, among whom support for the Fairtrade movement is particularly strong.
“Official recognition of Fairtrade status would be a major boost”
People and Planet Society are running a campaign to get the University to make the step-up to Fairtrade status, and follow the example shown by Birmingham University and Oxford Brookes. This can be achieved by having Fairtrade products available in all shops, bars and cafes on campus, serving FT tea and coffee in all university meetings and offices, and by introducing a university policy in support of Fair Trade. One of the main barriers to accomplishing this is the presence of the O’Briens chain in the union. Oxfam has been campaigning on an international level to get the corporation to purchase their tea and coffee through the Fairtrade Foundation, but they have so far not shown willing. While our union does have a policy that it supports Fairtrade, what use is this when it contains outlets that refuse to stock Fairtrade goods? Official recognition of Fairtrade status would be a major boost for the profile of both the university and of the Fairtrade Foundation. Hopefully, with the support of the student body, this is something we can soon achieve.
Fancy a rant? E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk
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Letters
March 8 2004
Page 9
grletters@cf.ac.uk
Atention to detial Dear gair rhydd, As a contributor to gair rhydd, I don't want to slate the paper too much but I have a request. A couple of days ago News Desk rang me. They had heard I was in Barfly the evening that was apparently earshattering, and wanted to ask some questions. Whilst it is nice to see my name in print, it isn't fun to see my name mis-spelt and to be misquoted. I am completely convinced that I did not, and never would, say 'the volume was something distorted'. I am not retarded. It's also not true that I said everybody in my group complained to the DJ; it was just me. I don't expect people to know how to spell my name, but they could have just asked me. Also, the manager of the Barfly told gair rhydd that the DJ had control of the volume. That's not what the DJ said. What a dick. Eleri Lloyd
Opinionated Dear gair rhydd, Being students and facing money problems, essay deadlines, exams and other stresses, we turn to our student paper as a source of light relief and a humourous look at uni life. This week however, the editorial and opinion page could well have been re-named 'what crawled up your arse and died?'. More specifically the 'Room 101' article, by the aptly named Ruth DICKinson, was an example of pretentious and deluded elitism. The subject of her gripe was the double Brit award-winning Busted,
who she deemed uncool compared with The Darkness and Radiohead. Is that the best comparison you could conjure up, love? Busted are a group of young lads who don't take themselves seriously, enjoy what they do and make some catchy pop tunes in the process. Maybe you should take a leaf out of their book, crawl out of your own butt, and be proud that the British music industry is diverse enough to cater for all tastes beyond just the angst-ridden tortured souls. So please, opinion pages writers, could you just try and write something that is positive and not so soul draining for us to read on a Monday morning? Who knows; you might even start enjoying the best days of your life! Kate, Grace, Emily and Sarah
Anal sex rants Dear gair rhydd, The letter complaining about the article "Two men and a whole lot of fun" has provided criticism in a single minded, homophobic fashion. A large portion of the letter was copied from www.christian.org.uk /html-pulications/protectgirls.htm, a site which illustrates the risks of anal sex in a mildly homophobic manner, failing to mention the difference safe, protected sex can make. This site, run by the Christian Institute, states that the bowel lining is torn during anal sex, however the extent of tearing they mention only occurs when anal sex is conducted without care and consideration to your partner. Small tears can occur, but not to the extreme extent this site suggests. The same article also states that anal sex increases the risk of HIV transmission, and states that
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men are at a greater risk. This ignores current statistical data proving that the majority of infections result from heterosexual sex and that more women are infected than men. None of the articles on that page mentioned using a condom, so why criticise this one article? In fact at the end of the section SHAG advertised that all types of condoms are available free from their offices and so encouraged people to come and get them. Yes, a tear or slip of a condom during anal sex can increase the risk of passing on infection, yet this is true for all forms of sex and in vaginal sex this can also mean pregnancy. It also states that the Blood Service prevents men who have had anal sex from giving blood. However this regulation was decided at the height of the epidemic in the 1980s and is actually simple homophobia and no longer an adequate rule. The statement about the psychological effects on younger, impressionable students is utterly ludicrous. Parents assume a duty of care from the University. So what about the care of gay male students and of people who do practice anal sex with their girlfriend? The belief we should not talk about these issues is akin to the revoked Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988 and will increase the risk and danger of anal sex acts. I am also utterly disgusted that you have associated self-harm with anal sex. Sex can be a symbol of compassion and caring, self-harm tends to be the result of depression and self-loathing. These are not similar. To state that we ignore the risk of HIV/AIDS is personally offensive. I have run HIV/AIDS awareness campaigns for two years, collected money for HIV/AIDS charities and have set up this page, http://www.cardiffstudents.com/mai n/yourunion/campaigns/worldaids to provide information for everyone. The two previous gair rhydd editions to the sex special also provided extensive articles on the risks of HIV/Aids and so you will find we as a union have comprehensively informed students of the risks
The gair rhydd letters page Thousands of letters arrived this week. Next week a double page, soon the whole gair rhydd will be mine! Actually, it will soon belong to a new editor. Please vote wisely or disaster beckons. My advice would be to ask someone who currently works at gair rhydd or Xpress Radio for their recommendation. Janine Jones involved. Your comments come close to breaching the Equal Opportunities policy of the Union as they have undertones of homophobia. HIV is not just a virus that attacks gay men, it attacks all humans and it is about time the world realised that. Lee Gregory Gay and Bisexual Men’s Officer 2003-4
doesn’t help me (although it’s a cheap night out after, so I hear). Rather it’s that poor, three-year-old kid who needs my rare blood type (AB Neg) but can’t have it because I’ve got a (clean’n’clear) boyfriend and the NHS are too embroiled in right-wing politics to change their policy. Lew the filthy bum pirate x Dear gair rhydd,
Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in response to Madam MacEvoy (aka anti-anal), particularly your comment about the NHS finding gays so repulsive that they don’t even want to bleed a pint out of them. Their policy of discrimination against homs is crazier than your father not settling for a blowjob on the fatal night of your conception. Girls fond of a bit of bum piracy are just as at risk as their male counterparts. But I digress… The NHS says if a boy simply sucks off another boy (even with a condom), or indeed if a girl got down with one of these filthy, cock-sucking creatures in the past 12 months, then all connected blood stocks are dirtier than a weekend in Skegness, and cannot be used. The NHS is perpetuating the view that all gay men are disgusting – which granted, some are – but hets who fuck anything, anyhow, even without protection, are fine and dandy. Being straight obviously makes blood so pure that Coca-Cola could bottle it and call it ‘Vein Vitality’. ALL blood is screened prior to distribution, and therefore straight, gay or transgender, ‘bad’ blood couldn’t possibly slip through the net and make the person feel any queerer than they did already. No skin off my nose, draining blood
I believe Alena MacEvoy’s complaint was wrong, patronising and illogically argued. Stating the article was ‘tantamount to advertising how to self harm’ misunderstands those who do have that psychological problem and misses the point that safe sex is entirely possible for gay guys. Condoms + lube = safe sex,as you will find in any safe sex guide, remembering condoms are not guaranteed for straight sex as nothing is 100% safe and most problems arise out of misuse. Further to this, experimenting with your sexuality is not something to be regretted – catching something is, but if you do then that’s your own stupid fault for not using a condom properly. Finally – her statement that ‘current medical advice is therefore to avoid anal sex’ is wrong – there is no official advice from the national bodies. If you are to avoid gay sex because it is more risky than straight sex, then you should avoid straight sex because it is more dangerous than lesbian sex. There has only ever been one documented case of lesbian-lesbian HIV transfer. I wonder why straight girls don’t stop sleeping with men and stick with women for their safety. Homophobia is such a nasty word.
Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building. Now is the winter of our discontent - made glorious summer by this ... one minibus driver that is really reliable - thanks! Tins of tuna make great door wedges until they split, explode & spray flatmates cleanly washed clothes with manky fish smell! Try it ... you might like it, Helen and Jude One team in Devon too right but it’s not Exeter! Plymouth Argyle all the way!
Text vote, this week: the Internet or Ceefax? Last week: weeblesstuff.com won, of course I’m a devoted fan of Features Ed Rhys James. Features are neatly presented, with good balance (some hold my interest better than others). I scrutinise them for imperfections, but I never find any. Jeni Oborn my favourite member of gr staff is dep ed alex. who’s yours?
Menace to societies Dear gair rhydd, I am corresponding in response to Larry Calcutta’s scathing mocking of the Official History Society’s promotion of their official status. The rampant plague of unofficial societies represents a gear problem in the centrifuge of university of life. Let me elucidate. I am a postgraduate here at your University of Cardiff, after formerly being a student of "genetic mixology" (the degree title has been changed to spare the feelings of those involved). I joined a society set up to fulfil the recreational requirements of the aforementioned course. The society was called Guanine Crazy and it was after a couple of socials, namely the Wine and Adenine Night and the Double Helix and Coke Cocktail Party that I began to suspect that the society
was not all it seemed. The committee did not seem to be very dedicated to the science, née art, of genetics and only seemed to be interested in inebriation, copulation and cheese based snack evenings. After much investigation I discovered to my ongoing horror that this was not the official genetics society (which was called Primordial Group) but a rebellious and caddish offshoot with no connection to the mater department of Bioscience at all. I was lucky and managed to make my escape from this rogue bunch of brutes to continue with the meteoric ride that my student career has represented. However my aortic valve goes out to all those who continued
in this society and are no doubt relegated to cleaning plasmic leftovers from a back-alley scientist’s test tubes. If they had joined Primordial Group they could have been saved from this fate by associating with only the upper echelons of the scientific establishment. No doubt the Official History Society is worried about such an occurrence at its Open Mic night and should be commended for taking this action. I hope, Larry that you can now see the erratum inherent in your ways and that your head is hanging in shame as we speak. Yours, Alan Allen, Postgraduate Genetics
Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff
Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.
Listings
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grlistings@cf.ac.uk
Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman
Monday08/03 Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am Free (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want Bar till 2am drinks promotions all night. Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50 Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3 Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm, film at 9pm. Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of House, Breaks, Funk, Soul and Disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter. 7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS) Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Crimea, The Caves, Vito. 8:00pm £6 Pyrotech @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10:00pm Mysterious Halfway To Paradise @ St. David’s Hall The Billy Fury Story 21st Anniversary Tour 2004. Britain lost its biggest Rock’n’Roll icon with the death of Billy Fury in January 1983. Throughout 2004 the people who knew him best, his backing group from the late 60s and early 70s, Fury’s Tornados, along with the acclaimed Colin Gold, will be commemorating the 21st anniversary of his death. This brilliant show will feature previously unseen footage of Billy Fury on a giant back screen projection. 7:30pm From £9.50 Live @ Barfly Gomez. Sold Out of course. 48 hours isn’t a bad sell-out time is it really? Damn electronic mailing lists.
Tuesday09/03
Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Live @ Barfly The International Karate Plus, Red Pony, Chaser. Doors: 8:00pm. Bounce @ Barfly Drum and Bass. 11pm-2am £2(NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-3am Free before 11, £1.50 after Open Mic Night @ The Toucan Relaxed setting. £1 from 9:00pm Concert @ Music Dept. Concert Hall The Sorrel Quartet & David Campbell (clarinet) Joined by distinguished clarinettist David Campbell, the Sorrel Quartet will bring works by Brahms, Britten’s and Haydn. 7:30pm (best to arrive early) £3 (NUS) Express Roadshow @ Solus In the second week of broadcast Xpress Radio is holding a Roadshow. Live music followed by Xpress Radio's own DJ's playing jazz to breaks to rock. £1.30 pints. Doors: 7.00 pm £2 entry. Clwyd Theatr Cymru @ The New Theatre One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s nest When Randle P. McMurphy escapes a prison work-camp to be assessed in an asylum, the patients are thrown a lifeline. His challenge to the rigid control of Nurse Ratched is both constant and hilarious. Through his heroic leadership - which disrupts the stifling round of ward meetings and therapy - the inmates begin to confront the real problems - the system and their individuality. Today untill Saturday: 7:30pm (Matinees Thurs and Sat: 2:30pm) Lunchtime Concert @ St. David’s Hall Iwan Llewelyn-Jones: piano The programme includes works by Poulenc, Debussy and Chabrier. 1:00pm £5
Wednesday10/03 Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon2:30pm Free Live @ Barfly Soft Pedal Acoustic Sessions + Session + Where's Finnley? + Georgia + Peter Walsh Doors: 8:00pm Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey Club: motown, func, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Cheapskates @ Metros Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am Boomshanka @ The Toucan (Downstairs) The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60’s/70’s Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beachboys. Pugilist Specialist @ The Sherman Theatre (Venue 2) Winner of every major award at the Edinburgh Festival 2003, Chantal Arts and Theatre in association with Soho Theatre Company present the Riot Group’s production by Adriano Shaplin. This drama takes a timely look at America’s military in their hunt for evil in foreign lands. 8:00pm (Tickets: £10, Reductions £8) Wednesdays @ Moloko. NEW! Weekly nights of of Raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.
Thursday11/03
Live @ Barfly Mr Airplane Man, Last Partisan, Broken DollsD oors: 8:00pm Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rocknight. 11pm2am £2 (NUS) Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, Dub, Ska. Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks. Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB. 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before 12, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3:00 Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, Ska, reggae Phil Nichol, Dan Antopolski, Simon Bligh, Ben Norris @ Glee club £10.95 incl. food or £5.50 just for the laughs. Prom Cymru presents @ The Toucan New night with live bands, DJs and interactive visual effects. Artistes t.b.c. And: The Super Furry Animals DJs present- ‘Rubbish’. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest, spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way. Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes - pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm til 2am. Free entry. Cardiff Uni Live Music Soc. Special @ The Toucan Rag Week Battle of the Bands competition featuring the best from the local student talent. The Super Furry Animals- DJs present ‘Rubbish’ @ The Toucan Super Furries DJ concept now resident to Thursday nights at the Toucan. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way. Philharmonia Orchestra @ St. David’s Hall Playing Beethoven, Debussy and Stravinsky 7:30pm
Listings
March 8 2004
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grlistings@cf.ac.uk
Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy
Friday12/03
Saturday13/03
Mad4it @ Barfly Indie Classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds 10:30pm-2am £3 Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavoured party, funk, hip-hop, breakbeats, motown, retro disco, and electro boogie. Is there anything they don’t play??! Free before 11pm Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am Free Higher Learnig @ The Toucan This month featuring MC Skinnyman and DJ Flip from Mudfamily (Taskforce fame). For those who’ve yet to attend a HL night, expect the best MCs, Turntable wizards and break dancers in town and a peaceful community vibe! DJ Krissy downstairs providing the sublime selection. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10.00pm £3 SUMO @ Clwb Ifor Bach SUMO presents the Trickatechnology Sound system: Block party beats & low-slung funk with Krafty Kuts & A-Skills LIVE + face-melting breaks from West One & Chico Fresco Room 2: Nu jazz and broken beat courtesy of Harmonics. I’m not sure if ‘face-melting’ is good 10pm - 3am £7 adv. (from SU) Future World Fusion @ The Toucan Night dedicated to New Beats and World Fusion presenting ‘BABYHEAD’ Live. An excellent 7 piece from Bristol playing Ska/hip hop and funk. Paul Lions on the Decks upstairs and Krissy in the lounge. Jethro Off The Wall Tour @ St. David’s Hall With Special Guest. Warning - not for the vicar Cornwall’s ‘Minister of Culture’ is back and he’s as naughty and funny as ever. Join him for a hilarious evening. 7:30pm From £15 (the comedy club is cheaper) Live @ Barfly The Killers, Distant Sun, Starski Doors: 8:00pm
Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative Hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso. Doors: 11:30pm £3 (NUS) Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night Free entry before 10pm Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am Saturdays @ Stylus Sexy, Funky House with Dave Jones, Gareth Cortez, Tim Russell, Ian Dundgey,Funk Mafia Rick Latham and Matt Meehan. 10pm – 4am £10 / £8 Saturdays R Sexy @ Owain Glyndwr More RnB than you can shake a stick at. With Vibe 101’s DJ Raheem on the Turntables. Strict dress code applies on both nights : no hoods, caps, trainers, gents must wear a collar. They say: ‘This is a new venue so make an effort !’ 8-2am Free b4 8:30pm, £1 b4 9pm, £2 b4 10pm, £3 b4 11pm, £4 after. Got that? Reload Sessions @ Oz Bar Basement 8pm Mothership/Higher Learning Special @ The Toucan Mark Ray (Ray and Christian) & Rob Smith (Smith & Mighty) performing live at the Toucan to promote their latest album release. Krissy Jenkins on the Decks in the lounge. Live @ Barfly The Other Smiths The UKs number 1 Smiths tribute band The Other Smiths play what's sure to be a classic set. Doors: 8:00pm £5
Where? Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889. The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951. Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus
Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s
Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street The Owain Glyndwr (Formerly RSVP). St Johns Street
Sunday14/03 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub Quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris £3 Taboo@ Moloko World music till 12midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight Non-World-Music Alert... The European Roadworks Tour @ The Toucan Supported by Culture 2000, Roadworks was set up to expose and open opportunities for European Singer/Songwriters. The gig features 3 European artistes: ADAM MASTERSON (UK)- recently supported Stereophonics HERA-(Iceland)- beautiful haunting voice, currently working with Nick Cave. FIAMMA-(Italy) Acoustic, Chillout, Electronica. ‘European’ still makes a change from ‘World’! Doors: 8:00pm The Band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines Pendyrus Male Choir @ St. David’s Hall The Band of Her Majesty’s Royal Marines and the Pendyrus Male Choir team up for another of their enormously popular concerts in aid of King George’s Fund for Sailors. Visually stunning and musically thrilling, this is live entertainment at its best. And this sounds Welsh Welsh Welsh. 7:30pm From £7
The Oscars at Chapter Arts Centre Seabiscuit The amazing true story of Seabiscuit, a racehorse who enjoyed huge success in America in the 1930s, and the three men who made him into a champion. There was I thinking that this was just a horse story, and it got nominated for about a million awards... maybe worth a look after all? Chapter Cinema 1 Sat: 3:00pm Sun: 5:00pm The Barbarian Invasions (Les Invasions Barbares) Denys Arcand’s latest reunites characters from his 1986 film The Decline of the American Empire. When Rémy, divorced and in his early fifties, is hospitalised, his son Sébastien reunites the merry band that marked Rémy's past around his father's bedside: relatives, friends and former mistresses. What have they become in this age of "barbarian invasions"? Are the old irreverence, friendship and truculence still there? Do humour, hedonism and desire still inhabit their dreams? Sex, drugs, history and family squabbles are artfully stirred in this gem of a film as Canadian writer and director Arcand moves you to laughter and tears without cheating to do it. The film stays emotionally focused and politically astute even as Arcand shifts from a dying man's fantasies to the aftermath of 9/11. Go on, be cultural! Chapter Cinema 2 Mon – Wed: 8:40pm Thurs: 2:30pm and 8:40pm Fri – Sun : 9:00pm
CinemaWeek Chapter Arts Centre Sylvia Sylvia tells the true story of the relationship between two of the twentieth century’s most admired poets, Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath. Beginning with their courtship as students in Cambridge, the film follows the course of their marriage as it spirals into a vortex of bitterness, infidelity and even violence – a sequence of events which over the period of a few short months produced both the astonishing outpouring of work which would make Plath famous, and the profound mental distress which would lead to her suicide at a tragically young age. I told you last week, don’t bother. Chapter Cinema 1 Mon and Tues: 6:15pm Wed: 2:30pm, 6:15pm Thurs: 6:15pm Trilogy Two: An Amazing Couple (Un Couple Épatant) The lightest film of the three is an old-fashioned French marital comedy. Convinced that he’s terminally ill, lawyer Alain tries to cover up a visit to the doctor, giving his wife Cécile a lame excuse for arriving late at his surprise birthday party. Instantly suspicious, she asks a friend to follow him, whereupon a case of mistaken identity causes even more confusion. Chapter Cinema 1 Mon- Thurs: 8:30pm The Dreamers Left alone in Paris while their parents are on holiday, brother and sister Theo and Isabelle invite fellow student Matthew, a young American, to stay at their apartment. Here they make their own rules as they experiment with each other’s emotions and sexuality, playing a series of increasingly demanding mind games. Chapter Cinema 1 Fri and Sat: 6:15pm, 8:30pm Sun: 8:00pm Together With You (He Ni Zai Yi Qi) From the director of Yellow Earth and Farewell My Concubine comes an unashamedly sentimental rites-of-passage tale. Xiaochun is a shy and sensitive thirteen-year-old, who lives with his father in a small, provincial Chinese city. A talented violinist, music is his way of expressing his feelings. His father wants the best for him, so they move to Beijing so that Xiaochun can audition for a prestigious music school and take lessons that befit his talent. As Xiaochun meets demanding teachers, discovers true friendship, falls in love for the first time, and comes to understand the meaning of music, everybody is telling him what they want from him – and he must figure out what he wants for himself. Chapter Cinema 2 Mon – Thurs: 6:30pm All Quiet on the Western Front new print Based on the best-selling novel by Erich Maria Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front was one of the first, and certainly one of the greatest, anti-war films. The film follows the fortunes of a group of young German soldiers in the First World War, detailing the gradual erosion of their idealism to bitterness and despair as they move from parade ground to battlefield. On its release in 1930, it caused an immediate sensation and remains a devastating indictment of the horrors of war. The uncut version of the film, restored by the Library of Congress Motion Picture Conservation Center, is widely available for the first time in the UK thanks to this new print from the BFI. Chapter Cinema 2 Fri – Sun: 6:30pm
Health
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HIV threatens CU students In the last year the number of people with HIV has increased by 25% by Shaun Loven In the last year the number of people in the UK with HIV increased by a staggering 25%. Yet a poll published by the National Aids Trust 2000, found that two-thirds of the public in the UK have not changed their life style in response to HIV, despite the vast majority knowing that unprotected sex is the main cause of HIV infection. The prospect of an epidemic in Britain is a concern that health professionals are becoming all too accustomed. Yet public health is being jeopardised by a profound contradiction in youth culture. Whilst 57% of people questioned for a Mori poll thought that people who contracted HIV had only themselves to blame, they were themselves all too willing to ignore lifesaving advice. The University Health Centre urges students to consider the implications of the occasional one nightstand. They offer the following advice when confronted with the prospect of unprotected sex. 1. Ask yourself the question “How would I cope with an STI, especially HIV?” It is reported that anyone diagnosed as HIV positive suffers the same emotional
effects as those that experience bereavement. The emotions of shock, anger and denial are strongly felt initially, with extreme fear attached to the diagnosis of being HIV positive, dominating ones existence, creating the mood that life will never be the same again. Major depressive illnesses, with thoughts of suicide and death are reported in about five per cent of HIV positive people; this is especially true among HIV positive gay men. 2. With the introduction of anti-viral drugs, life expectancy has improved, but the drugs themselves have side effects, particularly sleep disturbances, confusion and depression. It is imperative that HIV positive individuals comply rigidly with the drug regime, lest viral resistance develops. Drug resistance is a problem for fifteen per cent of people on combination therapy. Drug regimes can vary from mono to triple, to quadruple therapy, which is a demanding regime to adhere to, with a rigid timetable of medication. Attention has to be given as to what foods can be eaten and when. Regular visits to the HIV clinic for blood checks all adds to the stress felt by HIV positive people. There is evidence to show that the immune system already damaged by HIV is further destroyed by
stress. 3. The stigma attached to being HIV positive is well recognised, causing further problems to the lives of many people and their loved ones. Stigma creates an ideal environment for discrimination, which compounds social exclusion. The experience of social exclusion can create housing problems, and can promote discrimination in the work place, which intensifies poverty and isolation. Anyone diagnosed as HIV positive will encounter problems obtaining health insurance, which could also become an issue when applying for life insurance to cover a loan or mortgage. These facts have been faced by over 40 million worldwide. HIV infection is currently, and will remain for the foreseeable future, the most important threat to public health in the UK. It is a depressing statistic that cases are rising globally, with more victims succumbing daily. Even though you may be fully aware of the facts of HIV, the concern for healthcare professionals is that these threats are often ignored and people rarely consider the five steps to risk assessment. The stark reality is that one error can deal out a life sentence.
WE BASE OUR HEALTH AND LIFE ON WHAT WE THINK WE KNOW Nobody actually got every answer right which serves to highlight the problem of awareness. THE ANSWERS Q1 Yes Chlamydia can be treated Q2 There is no long term cure for Genital Herpes Q3 It takes 10 years on average for the symptoms of HIV to appear Q4 Yes the risk of cervical cancer does increase with the number of sexual partners Q5 No condoms do not offer full protec-
tion against genital warts Q6 Yes a sore on the genitals can be a sign of Syphilis Q7 Between 49.500-50.000 people have been diagnosed as HIV positive in the UK Q8 Africa, Asia and the Caribbean Islands are reported to have the highest incidence of HIV Q9 Yes drug resistance to HIV treatment can develop Q 10 Yes it is now illegal for HIV positive people not to inform sexual partners. Q 11 The greatest rise in HIV in the UK
Join the Student Council and be part of the governing body of your students’ union... and stop motions like this getting passed.
“Motion to Student Council: N e w Solus dress c o d e” SUC meets fortnightly on Mondays, 6.30 in the council room - 15th of March, 19th of April (Venue to be confirmed),10th of May For more info contact Rami Goussous: e-mail: goussousr1@cf.ac.uk Phone: 02920781427
is among the Heterosexual population Q 12 Yes untreated Chlamydia can result in infertility Q13 Yes there is a vaccination to protect against Hepatitis B Q14 Yes gonorrhoea can be treated with antibiotics The winners are First prize of £50 Amy Mackelden Runners up.£10 EACH Rob Lane, David Chan ,Sally Barlow, Rhian Chapman, Asrul Shafie - email health@cardiff.ac.uk
Free Stuff
March 8 2004
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grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk
grab!
WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or simply email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk. All entries by Sunday 6th March please. Oh, and good luck.
L
Win tickets to Operation Mayday
ast summer, Tribal Gathering and 10,500 dance fanatics brought acid house into the new millennium. This May the tribes are gathering once again and Operation Mayday promises to party even harder. Once again held at a secret venue, new armies from the UK’s dancefloors shall rendezvous in the northern stronghold of Manchester and embark on an urban adventure to find a secret portal where time stands still. Nobody apart from the Tribal team knows precisely where it’s going to be, but the party
hordes are getting ready to march. Come May 1, Tribal needs you! While the music will be a hybrid of the old and the new, the spirit of this gathering is set 15 years in the past. As with the last warehouse party, this event is not a festival. While the lineup contains many of last years most celebrated points, a new battalion of turntable masters have been sourced to take the aural intensity to a staggering new height. Twenty of dance music’s most unique names spread over three rooms, each playing a set that will take you on a twisted journey back in time to the smoke and laser filled thump of those
Win a bag of pleasure!
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f partying until your ears bleed and limbs turn to jelly doesn’t get your goat then how about a kit for the perfect night in? Because, as Big Keith from The Office so potently put it, “Boring isn’t it, staying in watching Peak Practice with your life.” So we’ve teamed up with Trojan®condoms, the US’s number one condom brand, to assist you with a whole different kind of peak practice (think about it).
The Trojan® range, which includes ‘Her Pleasure’ (ribbed), ‘Twisted Pleasure’ (a unique twist at the top for spring action), ‘Ultra Pleasure’ (extra thin), ‘Magnum’ (for the larger man) and ‘Extended Pleasure’ (with climax control lubricant) is now aavilable in Boots, Superdrug and leading chemists. You may have heard the name Trojan® before, as over 10 million people in Britain have viewed the Trojan Games, a sex Olympic spoof including such events as vault, judo and weightlifting (above). You can check out the Trojan Games online at www.trojangames.co.uk. As part of their mission to bring you pleasure and fun (how very altruistic of them), Trojan® have put
together the ultimate bag of tricks that will help you while those winter nights away with your loved one (or more if that’s your thing). And don’t worry if you’re single, because Media Editor Gary is more than happy to try out the contents with whoever happens to win. He’s not fussy. The Trojan® Bag of Pleasure contains an Orgasmatron, a blind fold, love dice, sexy IOU cheques, the new Lovers’ Guide DVD, the new Lovers’ Guide Lovemaking Deck, one of each of the Trojan® variants and a stylish Trojan® bag to keep it all in. We’ll also throw in a funky Trojan® T-shirt each for two runners-up. We’re informed that there are only 200 in the world so aren’t you the lucky ones …
Oooohhh... sex.
To win, just tell us your most embarrassing sex-related (true) story. Don’t hold back, we’re all adults here. The best story wins the loot.
Todd Terry: big hands; no arms
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original acid house times. Among this year’s line-up are Armand Van Helden, Andy C, DJ Marky & MC Stamina, DJ Sneak, DJ Yoda, Greg Vickers, Grooverider, Jazzy Jeff, Krafty Kuts Soundsystem, Krysko, Plump DJs, Rahzel, Stanton Warriors, Steve Lawler, Todd Terry and Unklesounds. You can also expect huge improved bars and new chillout areas. Tickets are available at £29 each at the Tribal Gathering Box Office on 0161 832 1111 or you can order them online at www.ticketline.co.uk. Or there is another way… There’s no better time to party
like there’s no tomorrow because on May 1, let’s face it, tomorrow’s pretty bleak, with nothing but exams and deadlines in store. So before the work gets really serious, take time out to go Tribal. We’ve got a pair to give away to one reader who sends in the answer to the following question:
How many people attended last year’s event? Entries by Sunday 14 March either by email (grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk) or in the gair rhydd pigeonhole. May the first be with you!
Student-alikes
his week’s best studentalike is Richard Shackley, who resembles the man who lost Pop Idol to Will Young (issue 756’s Studentalike), lost his virginity to Jordan and lost my respect for… losing his virginity to Jordan. But unlike his celebrity double, Richard is a winner and gets himself this week’s random set of prizes to share as he pleases with Lucy Merredy who supplied the photo.
Richard Shackley
Keep dropping your lookalikes into the office (Competitions pigeonhole). I know you’re out there. Tell us who you think you/your mate/some unwitting random you took a photo of looks like and the best each week wins a selection of prizes from the competitions box of random, as well as the lifelong pride of having your mugshot in your favour. All photos are returned.
Gareth Gates
Livefree4aweek.net
This week’s winner is Matthew Weir, a Sports Studies student at UWCN.
D
ue to the popularity of last week’s ticket giveaway we’ve come up with more tickets to a preview screening of the film that looks set to be the comedy of the year. The film’s out on March 19 but you can catch it a few days earlier for our favourite price: free!
We’ve also got some great Starsky & Hutch merchandise including T-shirts, bags, retro sunglasses, keyrings and Starsky & Hutch disguise kits complete with afro wigs, false moustaches and stick-on sideburns. Oh yes! We might even get them to you in time to wear them to the screening! Directed by Todd Phillips, the man behind Road Trip, the popular 1970s TV series gets the big screen treatment, keeping the same characters, the same car, but adopting a very different comedy tone. For the chance to win the merchandise or tickets, send us the answer to the following question:
Which rap star plays Huggy Bear in the film?
Media
Page 14
March 8 2004
grmedia@cf.ac.uk
Allez le Beeb
With the BBC under renewed pressure from commercial rivals, gair rhydd Media looks at how Auntie has been forced to change its programming and the scandals that have surrounded France’s public broadcaster France2 By Alexander Chassigmon Media Correspondent
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he BBC is facing increasingly harsh criticism from its private rivals. Many regard the employment of licence fee funds to produce "mass market" programs as unfair competition. Simultaneously, the corporation is struggling to retain some of its most popular sports events. The increasing presence of sponsorship in the Oxbridge Boat Race is the reason why the BBC had to let the race, which attracted nearly 8 million viewers last year, go to ITV. Radio 5 Live has entered a bid to keep its exclusive audio rights to Premiership coverage which cost the BBC £45 million. But with the European Commission concerned about monopolies on sports rights, and the Premier League eager to secure rising revenues, two packages have been prepared. One consists of 125 matches and the other 97. So there’s little doubt the cost of football on radio will rise sharply for the BBC. In most other European countries, commentaries on national league matches are considered as information programs, so radio stations are free to broadcast them in full. At the same time, an association of advertisers (The Institute of Practitioners in Advertising) has publicly deplore the broadcasting of programmes deemed to "spoil the audience of the commercial sector". Along with such criticisms usually comes the infamous ‘dumbing down’ accusation. This claims the corporation has failed to fulfil its role to inform and educate. But the BBC doesn’t really have such a remit. In fact, under the current charter that determines its mission, the BBC is referred to as a provider of programs of "information, education and enter-
tainment." So, in theory, the Beeb is fulfilling its assigned public service role by broadcasting a range of programmes from Newsnight to Fame Academy to Wildlife On One. As a public service, it must appeal to the greatest possible number of viewers to legitimise the licence fee. The Charter does not say different, since the BBC’s programming must "reflect the needs and interests of the public." Apparently, the public like watching wannabe pop stars; job done, you might think. Private channels are concerned that the BBC’s ratings successes undermine their advertising revenues, so they accuse the BBC of waging a "rat-
broadcast regulator issued a statement against the state-owned TV station France2, stating that the channel failed to fulfil its "obligation to provide proper information to viewers." It is the first time that such a warning has been issued. France2 announced that Alain Juppé, a former French Prime Minister, was stepping down from politics after being convicted for illegal party financing. But Juppé, who was interviewed at the same time on rival – and private – channel TF1, said he intended to stay until his trial. Subsequently, France2’s executive news director ended up stepping down as he had personally made the decision to broadcast the incrimi-
Alain Juppé: Affairs caused a great divide across French TV ings war" on public funds. Critics never miss the opportunity to link that with "a slip in journalism standards". It is not completely untrue that competition can lead a trend of increased risk taking in reporting, both privately and in public broadcasting, in order to ‘sex up’ programmes. Last month, the French national
nating report, against the advise of many journalists. The departing exec, who had been criticised for using "private sector methods" to compete with TF1, explained that he received the information concerned from an MP belonging to the very party chaired by Mr Juppé. The anchor of the evening news
The bible of Beckham By Perri Lewis
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alk past any news-stand and you’ll see the same familiar faces - Kylie, Britney, Christina. These are more than entertainers to most of us; they represent the people we want to be. We care about what they wear, what they do, how they live. Western society is celebrity obsessed. It's magazines like Heat and OK! which provide us with the information we just have to have about these people. The covers entice us with promises of secrets, gossip and photos. Celebrities have become a necessity to modern society. Scandalous behaviour from stars
used to outrage us; now we revel in it. It's difficult to say what has caused this. Sensational stories from the tabloids haven’t helped either. The more they told us the more we wanted to know. Can the public thirst for gossip can be satisfied? But such a huge interest in a supposed elite is not new. We want to delve into the lives of our celebs just as much as our ancestors wanted to follow the lives of Jesus and the saints. Comparing pages of Heat to the Holy Bible may be a little far-fetched but both fill their pages with information about people of interest. But there are a few similarities between these two texts. Celebrities, like religious figures, are the icons of their day. The former are publicised by the
media as the latter were promoted by the Church. In fact it's quite clear these two institutions have much in common. The Church has been a dominant power in people's lives. It was able to control and manipulate people to lead a Christian life. The media is no different. It attempts to steer people to live a certain way. Advertising tells us what to buy and newspapers tell us how we should interpret events. Its influence is inescapable and we live our lives by comparing ourselves to the ideals portrayed by the media. One threat comes from the independent nature of these establishments. The Church is governed by a number of small bodies and the media is also controlled by a very small
bulletin, hired from the TF1 group two years ago, has also been suspended for several weeks. 80% of the channel’s editorial staff took part in a successful non-confidence vote against the news direction team. In the run-up to the review of the BBC’s Charter (to take place in 2006), the debate on the objectives and administration of public service broadcasting has begun. In a report commissioned by the Conservative Party dramatic solutions have already been proposed, such as abolishing the licence fee (in favour of a pay-per-view system), and splitting the corporation’s TV and radio activities. The author, David Elstein, a former executive at Sky Television and Channel Five, also unveiled plans to set up a Public Service Authority. The money from which would be available to any broadcaster, under a system of "contestable funding". According to the report, Ofcom would define the need for public service programs, and open bids consequently. Media Secretary Tessa Jowell called the report an attempt to make the BBC "weak and insignificant”. She continued: "We do not believe that is what the British people want." In the meantime Ofcom, the national media regulator, has launched a large survey. The watchdog will collect the opinions of 6,000 households. The results could help to answer some burning questions: is the public prepared to pay the licence fee in order to escape invasive advertising? Should the BBC give up ambitions to entertain – letting private channels do it alone? The only good news so far for the BBC is that the public is going to have a say and the government will find hard this hard to ignore. But whether the BBC will remain independent, ad-free and will retain the means to satisfy the public, is yet unclear. number of people. The likes of Rupert Murdoch have so much influence that they pose a huge risk. They are answerable to nobody. They seem to be above the law. While the Church was an extremely powerful force in previous centuries, it's no longer so dominant. It has declined for various reasons. People became unhappy with its power and the obedience it commands. There are so many similarities between the Church and the media, there seems to be no reason why we can’t foresee the death of the media. But this simply will not happen. While the Church commanded peoples' belief and obedience, the media controls using far less explicit devices. You become susceptible to its influence without knowing. It is hard to rebel against something you are not even aware of. The media has designed its own style of mass worship. Can it remain omnipotent?
A Huw good men By Gary Andrews Media Editor
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tudents looking to break into the media will get a chance to learn from professionals this week. The first Welsh Media Careers Day will be held at City Hall this Wednesday as part of a nationwide series of events aimed at giving careers advice to young people. The event is organised by Cardiff University’s Careers Service in partnership with the School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies. Former Cardiff undergraduate Huw Edwards will start proceedings at 10.30am. The BBC newsreader said: "I am absolutely delighted to be associated with the launch of this exciting venture. "The day will enable media hopefuls to meet people from a wide range of organisations including, of course, the BBC." The event is open to anybody interested in a career in the industry and is especially aimed at students in further education and graduates in Wales. Head of BBC Recruitment Communications Roger Hammett said this was the only event that brought representatives of different media together under one roof. "There will be no better opportunity to get your career in the media off to a great head-start", he added. The day will include presentations and exhibitions from radio, television and training providers. There will also be a number of workshops and the opportunity to chat to TV and radio presenters. Director of Cardiff University’s Careers Service, Nigel Thomas, said: "We are delighted to be working with an impressive array of media partners in organising this event. "The Welsh Media Careers Information Day is a fantastic opportunity to find out all you need to know about the media and meet the people working in the industry". Tickets for the event cost £3 in advance from www.ticketline.co.uk or £5 on the day.
Media Muddle Durham’s ever down-to-earth publication Palatinate have a big feature this week on the scourge to society that are ‘chavs’. Apparently this rogue group come from council estates, wear sportswear and are a menace to society. Denying allegations of ‘classism’, Palantine justifies itself by pointing out that their students are unjustly stereotyped as ‘toffs’ and ‘snobs’. Hmm, wonder why that is? Finally, big shout out to Sheffield Steel Press for their highly original fortnightly magazine Stainless. Despite being very similar to our very own Quench, we welcome the Steel Press to our list of mimics, similar in so many ways, from the front cover to the headers at the top of the page. The magazine also explains to students of the former ‘University of The Year’ the concept of a wordsearch. And they say education is in the doldrums...
Jobs & Money
March 8 2004
Page 17
gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
Raising your performance By Nicola York
rule, you will need to correctly answer at least two thirds of the questions, in order to attain a good result. Even if you score well in an aptitude test, employers want to know your strengths and weaknesses of character. Personality tests are used to find out: - How you react to other people; - Your work style; - Your ability to deal with emotions; - Motivation, determination and general outlook; - Your ability to handle stressful situations. There are no right or wrong answers on this questionnaire. Most employers want candidates with a balance of per-
I healthy glow about you today". And t smile sweetly and say that it’s all abou being pro-active. By Alex Dove This PMA epiphany came about a few an k. wee theme this weeks ago, when I bumped into Positive Mental Attitude is the miserable so it is acquaintance who is a couple of years n dam so Recently I’ve just been too control of my life by older than me. He looked time to change this. I need to take riding as a passen- depressed, and moaned so much about switching to the driver’s seat, not life-coaching in his job and how crap life was after uni, that I just wantstor y scared me ger. (I got that from Stuart’s’t informative?) ed to escape as soon as I could. His Neighbours. Who says soaps aren ng game at the so much I vowed then and there to make the most of pects. I am playing a waiting and hopie a bit later than my spare time and improve my pros again appealed to moment. Ever y day I leave the housbefore work. This ent stud a g bein of ght As the thou usual in an attempt to get my post tuality is due to me so much, I decided that I had to apply to some months I eventusudden interest in my postman’s punc have applied to as postgrad courses. After a couple of the numerous jobs and courses I lutions which basi- ally got round to it a week before the deadline. Then I part of a frenzy of New Year’s reso out". Yes, so it’s thought, hey, this application thing is OK. After you’ve cally boil down to "sor ting my lifeonly sent them off done a few you kind of get into the "zone". So I made March and I realise that I actually excited by the glim- use of the zone and went a bit mental actually. But it’s last week, but it’s hard not to get of grey office days so much fun because I keep getting prospectuses, letwhich proves that I mer of light at the end of the tunnelingly never-ending. ters and other goodies sent to me which looms into the future, seemg. I rush home from still exist and that people are interested in me. the weight of This silver lining keeps me goin spapers for more It’s easy to feel bogged down with work and scan the internet and neweven if it’s a rejec- deciding your whole future when you leave uni, but it’s things to apply to. I love getting postget up in the morn- important to remember that there’s no rush. We tend tion letter because it’s a reason toforward to opening. to forget how young we are at 21, 22 or 23. I know ings and have something to look ck", I remember many people who are a lot older than this and still In one episode of Dawson’s "Cra0-pretending-to-be- haven’t decided what they want to do with their lives. Dawson saying to Joey (in his I’m-3 they never said a So let the PMA sweep over you and as long as you or something like 15 voice) "Hope is last to die." And have hope, you will be last to die… truer word. le have been that anyway. My positivity is overwhelming and peop "You have a as such ts men com cting attra noticing it, ir
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Postcards from the Real World
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nterviews and application forms are an accepted and expected part of the process of getting a job. But employers are increasingly resorting to other ways of selecting applicants. More and more employers are using psychometric testing at interview, including government, education, industry, armed forces and commerce. But what is it and how can you be prepared for such tests? Psychometrics is a term used to cover a variety of assessments that are used to assess the character strengths and weaknesses of a candidate. They are basically tools for measuring the
mind. There are two types of tests; aptitude (also known as ability) and personality. Many employers feel that these tests give an accurate picture of whether you are able to do the job and whether your character is suited to the type of work. Aptitude assessments test your critical reasoning skills under timed conditions. They do not test your general knowledge, but instead aim to assess a person’s potential. There are many different types of tests depending upon the job you are applying for, but a typical test might have three different sections each testing a different ability, for example verbal reasoning, non-verbal reasoning and numerical reasoning. As a general
sonal qualities which make them suited to the job. Training and Development Coordinator John Steel says, "I feel that these tests are beneficial for identifying ‘hidden’ attributes or weaknesses which cannot easily be found through more traditional methods." John works in the Student Development Unit in the Students’ Union, and has recently brought in a new course, run by PriceWaterhouseCoopers, which deals with the basics of psychometrics. "It’s been very successful so far; we had 25 people on the last one. These are demand led so the more people that sign up, the more courses we run." Student Catherine Sales, who completed the course, said, "It helped me identify what organisations are looking for. We did a practice test and received feedback on our scorings which was a good experience." It is advisable to try and take some practice tests before a real assessment. Stick to a routine when answering your questions and, most importantly, don’t panic. On the personality tests, it is wise to answer truthfully as you will probably get caught out if you do not. There are several resources that can help you prepare for these tests, as well as various courses. A number of books are on the market, and typing "psychometrics" into a search engine will lead to some useful websites. For more information on psychometrics and for sample tests go to www.shldirect.com. For a fun personality test go to www.advisorteam .com. If you would like to sign up to the course featured please see John Steele in the Student Development Unit, 3rd Floor, Students’ Union.
Money Talks
News in brief Pay much to Doo-little
A Swiss woman is charging a ludicrous £360 for lessons on how to talk to animals. Her pet rabbit Spot apparently taught her to communicate with all animals. "He told me that humans should always welcome the animal and ask if it is willing to communicate. Wait for a reply which could be anything: a feeling, a word, a picture, a colour or simply emptiness." Bonkers.
Shotgun Wesson
The chairman of gun company Smith & Wesson has resigned after it was discovered that he had spent 15 years in jail for armed robbery. The reason no one found out, according to James Minder, is because "nobody asked". Mr Minder was a journalism student in the 1950s who moonlighted as a robber, known for carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Good work experience, I would have thought. Shame they didn’t have psychometric tests in those days. They would have found him out in a shot. (Sorry, I know it’s terrible.)
Plastic surgery gets a ‘lift’
Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, recently admitted to having a facelift, which caused a boom in the plastic surgery industry. The number of people asking for cosmetic surgery has increased by 30% since Christmas, when Berlusconi admitted to having "a small lift round the eyes." Most of these new customers have been men. Breast enlargements were the only popular form of plastic surgery up until now. So unless there are a lot more transgenders emerging, the trend for facelifts appears to be on the increase.
“Every morning I get up and look If you wanna do it, do it through the right Forbes list of the Shane Richie has sold the rights to richest people in his 40th birthday bash to the Big america. If I’m not Issue for just £1.10. The actor was offered £150,000 there, I go to by a glossy magazine but turned them down. Richie’s agent said: work.” would like to put something Robert Orben "Shane back into society as he was once
FACT FILE Parker Brothers prints about 50 billion dollars worth of Monopoly money a year.
homeless himself." In 1980, Richie slept rough on the streets of Plymouth when a job as a DJ fell through. Only 16 at the time, he slept rough for two weeks until he was arrested and sent home. Johnny Vegas sold the rights to his wedding in San Francisco for £1 to Viz magazine. I can’t imagine Catherine Zeta-Jones being so giving.
If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on the page,email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk
Taf-Od
Tud 18
8 Mawrth 2004
grtafod@cf.ac.uk
Adolygu’r Steddfod Rhyng-Gol
Twyll Twll yn y Wal Yr Heddlu’n Rhybuddio Ffans Rygbi
Gan Rhys Teifi Dechreuodd Steddfod Rhyng-gol y flwyddyn hon yn yr un modd â’r ddwy flynedd ddiwethaf – yn y Taf. Wedi’r cyfan, os ydych am ganu mi fedar fod yn llesol i wddw sych! Cyrhaeddodd y bws am 5 a buan oedd yn llawn o fyfyrwyr swnllyd a’u poteli wisgi, lager neu lefrith (nid oedd toiled ar y bws!). Wedi cyrraedd Abertawe (a hynny ddim eiliad yn rhy fuan – roedd fy mhledren wedi hir ail-lenwi!), taflu’r bagiau i neuadd wag lle byddem yn cysgu’r noson honno, yn syth i’r dafarn agosaf yr aethom. Fersiwn ychydig yn wahanol i’r Taf ydoedd a’r peintiau yn rhad; yn wir, roedd y pris yn helpu ar yr yfed (yn enwedig i berson fel Dewi Llyr, os buasai wedi troi i fyny!) Oherwydd absenoldeb Aberystwyth a Bangor ar y nos Wener cafodd y gig ei chanslo, trist iawn (very sad!), a finnau wedi bod yn cyfri’r diwrnodau nes cael gweld Maharishi eto! Felly, i’r dre yr aethom, yn ein niferoedd, i Wind Street, ac i fewn i rhyw fariau. Peidiwch â mentro gofyn i mi lle – ailadrodd be dwi di’i glywed am y noson ydw i – yr oll dwi’n wybod ydi i ni orffen yn Flares, o bobman! Roedd hi’n noson dda, yn ôl pob sôn. Mae’r amser byr y gwnaeth fy mrecwast seimllyd, budr, bach a drud aros i lawr yn rhoi rhyw fath o fesur ar sut fath o noson a gefais – sef blêr! Mae unrhyw un sydd erioed wedi bod i’r steddfod genedlaethol, ac aros yn Maes-B, yn ymwybodol o’r system ‘top-up’, hynny yw, pan fyddwch chi’n deffro yn y bore â rhywfaint o gwrw yn eich gwaed nes mai dim ond peint sydd ei angen arnoch chi i feddwi unwaith eto. (Dyma’r system rataf, ac yn nhyb Dewi Llyr, y gorau!) Felly doedd syndod pan ddaeth amser y cystadlaethau llwyfan am 2pm fod pawb o garfan Caerdydd yn chwil gachu a phawb o Aber yn sobor fel saint, er eu bod nhw wedi bod yn ymarfer yfed ers 51 o wythnosau yn ôl eu crysau-t. Ffyc off! Ymarfer côr am 51 wythnos, yn fwy tebyg. Roedd y gwahaniaeth sobrwch yn un go amlwg pan ddechreuodd y cystadlu ei hun, fel y parti bechgyn yn canu cân y Gym Gym, y sgets wych ac Elin Llundain yn perfformio’r Cudyll Coch yn chwil ulw efo baneri Cymru drosti, het y merched cegin, deilen fawr a pheint yn un llaw a dusting polish yn y llall. Peidiwch gofyn! Er i Aberystwyth ein malu yn racs yn corau, ni enillodd yr eisteddfod llwyfan, heb ymarfer, a heb gliw! Piti nad oedd Bangor yno, ond penwythnos gwych – o be dwi’n cofio.
Addysg Gymraeg!
Cofiwch am y brotest am Goleg Ffederal ac Addysg drwy’r Gymraeg nos Fawrth a dydd Mercher yma, Mawrth 9 a 10. Mi fydd Kentucky AFC, Ashokan, Texas Radio Band, Dyl Mei DJ a Locut a Sleifar yn chwarae wrth ymyl y Cynulliad am 9.30pm nos Fawrth, cyn i bawb wersylla dros nos a gorymdeithio fore dydd Mercher drwy Gaerdydd. Y man ymgynnull ydi ar y gwair wrth ymyl tafarn y Waterguard yn y Bae. Mi fydd llond bysus o Fangor ac Aberystwyth yn bresennol felly gobeithio y bydd Caerdydd yr un mor frwd. Am fwy o fanylion e-bostiwch agruffudd@hotmail.com. Cofiwch eich sachau cysgu hefyd!
Y teclyn ffug sy’n cael ei osod gan ladron Gan Rhys Iorwerth Mae tri o fyfyrwyr sy’n astudio Cymraeg yng Nghaerdydd ymhlith y bobol sydd wedi colli arian o g yfrifon banc yn ddiweddar. Llwyddodd lladron i gael gaf ael ar f anylion banc Dewi Jones, Fflur Owens a Nia Lewis a dwyn dros £1500 o gyfrifon y tri. Ac mae’r heddlu’n credu fod y twyllwyr yn targedu Caerdydd ar
ddiwrnodau gemau rhyngwladol pan fydd y ddinas dan ei sang. Roedd Dewi, Fflur a Nia wedi tynnu arian allan ar ôl gêm Cymru v Alban dair wythnos yn ôl o dwll yn Stryd St.Mary’s. Doedd yna ddim arwydd bryd honno fod yna ddim o’i le. Ond rai diwrnodau wedyn, mi gafodd y tri alwadau ffôn yn dweud fod cannoedd o bunnau wedi eu dwyn o’u cyfrifon. Roedd y lladron wedi gludo teclyn dros y peiriant twll yn y
wal er mwyn cofnodi manylion y cerdyn yn electronig. O fewn dwyawr, mae hi’n bosibl iddyn nhw wneud copi union o’r cerdyn a’i ddefnyddio i ddwyn arian. ‘Mae hi’n amlwg mai rhywun proffesiynol sydd wrthi’, meddai Dewi, ‘ac mi ddylai pawb fod yn wyliadwrus.’ ‘Roedd hi’n gymaint o sioc,’ meddai Fflur. ‘O’n i’n ff ili deall shwt digwyddodd e gan fod y cerdyn a phopeth dal gen i.’ Daeth hi’n amlwg yr wythnos hon fod dros 20 o bobol drwy’r ddinas wedi dioddef o’r un twyll – roedd un person wedi colli dros £3000. Mae’r heddlu’n annog pobol i ddweud wrth rywun yn y banc yn syth os bydd unrhyw beth yn amheus ynghylch y peiriant, ac yn rhybuddio pobol i daro golwg ar eu cyfrifon banc rhag ofn fod rhywbeth o’i le. Drwy lwc, mi fydd Dewi, Fflur a Nia yn cael eu harian yn ôl, ond mae’r lladron yn dal yn rhydd a’r tebygolrwydd yw y byddan nhw’n taro eto – yn arbennig ar ddiwrnod gêm. Rhai o’r rhifau allweddol y gallwch chi eu ffonio os oes rhywbeth o’i le yw: Heddlu De Cymru (01656 655555), Lloyds TSB (0800 096 9779), The Royal Bank of Scotland (0870 513 3550) a HSBC (0845 6007 010).
COFIWCH!!! Protest am Goleg Ffederal ac Addysg drwy’r Gymraeg 9 Mawrth - gig a gwersylla dros nos tu allan i’r Cynulliad 10 Mawrth - gorymdaith o’r Bae drwy’r ddinas
Y Bois yn Brasil
Mwy o anturiaethau Scwbi a DJ Meics yn... Porto Alegre Gan Ioan Owen Aeth DJ Meics a fi i sir Rio Grande do Sul, i wneud project bach, yn cymharu dwy brifysgol – a chael hwyl a sbri. Dau fyfyriwr o brifysgol UFRGS roddodd groeso i ni, wel, nhw oedd yn gwylio ar ein hola. Roedd Renato a Samantha yn byw yn Porto Alegre. Mae pobl de Brasil wrth eu boddau hefo ‘Cirhascu’, barbaciw i chi a fi. Maen nhw’n ei gymeryd o gymaint o ddifri, fel bod rhan fwyaf ohonynt yn trawsnewid ei garej yn ‘cirhascuria’ (lle coginio). Ac os ‘da chi’n cerdded o gwmpas ar ddydd Sul, mi welwch chi fod y ddinas ar dân, gan fod pawb yn ei thanio hi’n y garej. Mae nhw’n torri’u cig yn stribedi hir, yn arbennig i’w rhoi ar sciwars haearn, sydd wedyn yn cael ei sticio yn y wal uwchben y tân. Mae’r cig eidion, sydd ond yn cael ei goginio ychydig i fod bron yn amrwd, yn hynod o feddal a blasus. Maen nhw hefyd yn hoffi bwyta calonnau ieir wedi’u coginio’n yr un modd. Rhein yn well fyth hefo saws madarch. Mae posib cael pizza calonnau ieir yn y McDonalds. Mae ganddynt lawer o fwydydd nad oeddwn i wedi clywed amdanynt, heb sôn am eu blasu. Maen nhw’n tyfu llawer o’u llysiau yn eu gerddi, ac yn eu piclo. Mae Ipw yn lysieuyn tebyg i datws. Ond bod rhaid tynnu ffibr gwydn o’i ganol cyn ei fwyta, fatha panas (parsnips) ar steroids. Mae ganddynt bump gwahanol fath o ffrwchneddau (bananas), y lleiaf ohonynt yw’r melysaf. Mae ganddynt ddipyn o wahanol felonau, a dyma be maen nhw’n
COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (XII) Wel, fel y gwelwch chi, dod yn ôl fu’n rhaid i’r Cofi Alltud yn y diwedd ar ôl pythefnos a mwy yn absennol o’r papur. Nid fod bod yn absennol yn golygu bod yn segur, wr th gwrs, ond trwy lwc tydi o ddim yn golygu bod yn sobor chwaith! Dechra ddaru petha draw dros y môr yn Iwerddon. Doeddwn i erioed wedi meddwl ei bod hi’n bosibl mynd i Ddulyn heb weld yr un Gwyddal am benwythnos cyfan. Digon teg, doeddwn i erioed wedi yfed cymaint o Guinness o’r blaen chwaith, ond mi allwn i daeru na chlywais i yr acen Wyddelig unwaith, heblaw am pan oedd Dan Pyrs yn trio tynnu’r holl ddinas a hanner y genedl i’w ben efo’i ddynwaredu. A Gareth Edwards wedyn, yn cael ei gyfweld nos Sadwrn ar y llwyfan yn Arlingtons o flaen tua 50,000 o Gymry meddwol, hapus. ‘Felly Gareth, pwy ydi’r tîm sydd wedi creu’r argraff fwya arnach chi hyd yn hyn?’ ‘Wel,’ meddai Gareth, gan ystyried y peth yn ddwfn, ‘petawn i’n gorfod dewis, mi fuaswn i’n dweud... Ffrainc.’ ‘A phetaech chi’n cael dewis chwarae i un tîm eleni, i bwy fuasai hynny?’ ‘Wel,’ meddai Gareth, gan ystyried y peth yn ddwfn, ‘petawn i’n gorfod dewis, mi fuaswn i’n dweud... Ffrainc.’ Ydi o wedi ystyried gyrfa fel medium tybed, cymaint ydi ei allu o i ladd ysbryd mewn cwta dwy frawddeg! Wedi dweud hynny, pe tasai o yn y tîm ar y dydd Sul dwi’n siwr na fasan ni wedi cael hanner cymaint o gweir. A cholled arall wedyn yn ein gwynebu ni yn y Rhyng-Gol yn Abertawe. Dwi’n dal i ddeud mai ni gafodd y fuddugoliaeth foesol a dwi’n dal i ddyfaru na fuasai’r eira wedi para mymryn mwy i gadw’r cyfeillion o Aberystwyth yn sownd yn eu nyth bach clyd am byth. Ond mae Rhys Teif i wedi deud digon am y steddfod yn rhywle arall felly dyna f i yn cau fy ngheg am hynny. Wedi meddwl, hwyrach mai ei hagor hi fyddai galla wedi’r cyfan a mynd am beint. Tydw i heb sgwennu’r golofn ers dipyn ac mi oeddwn i wedi anghof io cymaint o waith caled sy’n ofynnol i’w chwblhau. Yn y Taf y bydda i os bydd gan rywun arall syched. Iechyd da!
Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Scwbi a DJ Meics... neu Dai Tecsas a’i fêt? ei fwyta i frecwast. Y rhai hefo nipples oedd y melysaf. Mae’r ffrwyth ‘Guaranw’ yn cael ei ddefnyddio i wneud diod meddal. Mae Coca Cola yn un o’r cwmnïoedd mawr sy’n ei gynhyrchu. O be dwi’n ddeall, mae Coca Cola yn rhwystro’u hunain, ac eraill, i’w werthu i weddill y byd. Maen nhw’n ofn y bydd gwerthiant ‘coke’ (y diod!) yn dioddef, gan fod Guaranw mor dda am dorri syched. Maen nhw hefyd yn dweud fod digon ohono’n rhoi min i chi. Defnyddiant lefrith crynodedig i wneud teisen siocled. Maen nhw’n galw’r deisen yma’n ‘Negramaluca’, sy’n meddwl ‘dynas ddu wallgo’. Tro cynta i mi fwyta dynes wyllt ddu. Neis ‘fyd.
Gwahoddwyd ni am ginio i dy ffrind arall o brifysgol UFRGS, Carole. Fe gawsom reis, ffa chwerw, a darnau o selsig ynddo. Ddim yn swnio’n ddymunol, ond yn flasus. Dyma beth a elwid yn ‘Fecha’, yn llawn egni, cadw am yn hir, ac yn rhad i’w wneud. Dipyn fel lobscows felly. Roedd brawd bach Carole yn siaradus iawn, ac yn arfer bod yn bencampwr tennis Brasil o dan 11 oed. Gwyliwch am Guillerme Zannon ar gyrtiau tennis y dyfodol. Bum hefyd yn lwcus i gyfarfod a’i chwaer hyn hi hefyd, gan ei bod hi brin byth yno, ond rownd y byd yn gweithio fel supermodel. Mwy o anturiaethau Scwbi a DJ Meics i ddod yn fuan!
Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started! Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg! ‘Twas most marvellous! Yr ydoedd mor ogoneddus! ‘Twas most horrendous! Yr ydoedd mor echrydus! ‘Twas a masterpiece riddled with flaws! Campwaith ydoedd yn llawn brychau! Why, I like apostrophes! Pam, yr wyf yn hoffi collnodau!
Television
March 8 2004
Page 19
alexandriathtouchbums@gaylords.co.uk
Your essential guide to this week’s TV March 8-14
Back in black
TV Desk is rocking to the return of Black Books
HOT Dogging A sex activity of Great Dane proportions dogging will really get you slobbering. TV Desk have found a certain spot in Cardiff for all your dogging needs the Humanities courtyard has ample parking space for all your doggy desires...
SOAPS Janice ‘Street Slaughter’ Not quite, although Janice Battersby does nearly kick the metaphorical bucket this week in Coronation Street (Monday 7.30) after a suitably implausible chain of events. You see, Janice and her boss don’t get on very well, and shock horror, the boss bans cigarette breaks. Obviously, the ambiguous fabric-related work at the factory that everyone female seems to work at is a bit of a strain, and so Janice decides to sneak off and light up in a cupboard.This monumentally stupid idea is met with the scriptwriting response it deserves, which is that Janice gets herself locked in and nearly burns to death. Yay! Although I bet even her charred corpse would somehow manage to irritate us all.
All round cause for celebration at TV Desk is for the return of one of C4’s most under-rated comedy classics the sublime Black Books (Thursday 10pm). For the uninitiated, Black Books sees literary misfits Bill Bailey, Tamsin Greig and Dylan Moran trying to run a shambolic second-hand bookshop, or rather sort their terrible lives out whilst selling the occasional copy of Fly Fishing by JR Hartley. The third series sees Manny (Bailey) now working for rivals Goliath Books after an incident with a sandwich toaster at the end of the last series, whilst Bernard (Moran) has disappeared under an avalanche of rubbish. TV Desk favourite Simon Pegg guest stars as the owner of Goliath Books; if this opener’s anything to go by we should be in for a cracking few weeks’ comedy. On a less worthy note on the same night, ITV1 cashes in on the hoopla surrounding the Ian Huntley trial with a tribute to Holly Wells as, surprise surprise, A Tonight With Trevor Special (9pm). Guaranteed to be a hideous 90 minutes of tabloid tat rather than a fitting tribute, this deserves to be avoided at all costs. TV John hopes you all enjoy the coming of spring, and that if you don’t, then there’s always the spectacular “experiment” that Channel 4 is bestowing upon us this March. They call it Brat Camp, although w e ,
the lay public of this world, can call it The Best Idea Ever. The gist, if the sheer delight of repeating it doesn’t fill me with so much ecstasy I die prematurely, is that a gaggle of hoodlumy, vile, foul-mouthed little fuckheads - the sort that spout off at bus drivers and used to wear Spliffy jeans and dig Sean Paul and DJ Sammy (Oi! I dig both of those, innit Dep Ed) - are sent to a boot camp in the US of A, where they’re not allowed to swear, not allowed to drink, not allowed to smoke, and aren’t even allowed to spit on cars and kick passing pigeons. The horror! They also have to ask to do everything, including go to the toilet and/or curl
one off for the boys back home. So basically (and I’m sure Channel 4 have some sort of pseudo-scientific justification for this masochistic feast) we just get to watch people we don’t like having a rough time and generally having their horrible, slimy odious lives being made a total misery. In America. You can see the freakshow on Tuesday at the time of 9pm. However, that’s on C4, and if you can’t get that, then don’t despair, because on the same night, at the same time, S4C have a documentary about real life vampires and murder (Cwmni Drwg) and will probably have reconstructions and gory details, like a Transylvanian 999, only it all took place in the north of this very country. Haha! Delights abound over weekend as Matthew Kelly reverts to what he does best... the Stars in Their Eyes Live Final (Saturday, ITV1, 5.30pm and the result at 9pm). Now I like to condone this kind of high-camp TV for a few reasons: 1) it’s on just when you’re starting to get pissed, 2) I like the young men squirming as Matthew Kelly flops his arm lazily about their waists and beams into the terrified faces and 3) I like the people who are really bad and fill me with rage - shouting at TV is very cathartic. I’m sweating in anticipation already. No doubt Matthew is too - I hear there’s a kids’ special in the pipeline... xxxxxxxxx
SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY Fishing for funnies
Slay the day away
Rich Hall’s Fishing Show (BBC4 11pm Wednesday) is a real novelty when it comes to chat shows/comedy showcases. The American motormouth does what it says on the tin and imparts his breadth of fishing knowledge, whilst interviewing celebrities and generally putting the world to rights. It’s fresh, it’s entertaining and most importantly it’s funny as fuck. This week Germaine Greer joins the angling expedition.
It was ambiguous at the start, but Buffy lasted for more series than I care to remember (possibily eight). So despite the fact that it’s ended, the DVDs have already been released and all the cast are all attempting to move onto better things, (“and I would have got away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky kids” - take note, Sarah Michelle), Fox have decided to release a ‘special’ DVD.
Meanwhile the freshly cancelled Angel (Sky One, Tuesday, 9pm) warms up for it’s final showdown Spike and Angel finally go corpso a corpso when a temporal anomaly allows Spike to get his body back temporarily. Rumours abound that creator Wheedon is working on a film based on his Firefly series. Lets hope he puts more effort into it than some of the other movie scripts he’s had to rewrite...
This DVD contains the ‘best ever episodes’ as voted for by the fans. Probably including ‘Once More With Feeling’ and other memorables, this release is a mad idea to sell more Buffy, ironically to the people who probably already own all episodes if they’re that interested. This being said, if you don’t own any and would like a smattering from all the series’ best episodes, it may be an idea.
NOT
Masking Tape F i n n b a r r Graham’s “Dying to Be Your President” campaign last year was one of the most original and brilliant ideas ever to grace the political process. This year’s tacky, copycat stickytape “designs” littering the paths and walls of Cathays, are not. Losers.
SPORT The Champions’ League (the word “champions” surely worthy of inverted commas by now?) second legs rock ITV1 on Wednesday. Manchester United try to overcome a one goal deficit against Porto, and Chelsea, who didn’t even come close to being Champions, play Stuttgart. 7.30.
FILMS Sunday sees another showing of British horror classic The Wicker Man (C4, 1.50am). The film sees puritanical police officer Edward Woodward travel to a remote Scottish island where a child has been reported missing only to find a pagan society about to celebrate their May Day festival...
RADIO Radio Ga-Ga The most listened to radio station for people in our age bracket, Radio One, is set to have a complete lobotomy soon, and it’s all change. Mark and Lard have been given the boot, ending their lengthy run, and anyone who remembers their excellent evening show will be be in mourning, even though they’d gone a bit tepid in the afternoons. But good news! Sara Cox, not that she’s mentioned it EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES or anything, is pregnant, so she’s slinging her hook too. Replacing the afternoon deserters are the reliably oikish Colin and Edith, and the camp first-year-student low-brow Heat-magazine-on-radio gossip-fucker that is Scott Mills. All this is happening soon, but until then, Zane Lowe (8pm Tues) has that wanker from The Vines being interviewed. Great!
Monday
Today in your Union
Page 20
March 8-14 2004
touchyfeely@alex.com
Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night
CKY GREAT HALL £10 adv. 7pm Camp Kill Yourself (CKY) consists of Deron Miller (guitar, vocals), Chad Ginsburg (guitar), Jess Margera (drums), and Vern Zaborowski (bass). CKY began in 1994 when Miller and Margera left the band Foreign Objects. The two met Ginsburg while recording in a Philadelphia studio, and convinced him to join the band. CKY's philosophy is this: eclipse and destroy flaccid, carbon copy entertainment and snore-rock via a unique sound, acute wit, and hardcore work ethic. Resurrect music at its purest and most creative by changing the sound, the perspective, and the landscape - reestablish passion as the priority.
Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night
Cyderdelic BBC3 11pm
Bound C4 12.40am
Paradise Hotel
The Comeback
five 11.15pm
Sky One 2.15pm
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 BAMZOOKi 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl admits his fears to Mal: “I’ve got rampant syphilis since eating Izzy’s muffin...” Lou refuses to let Stuart's past lie, because anyone who was a pole dancer with an arse like that deserves recognition. Declan insults Summer, telling her she looks like a frizzy-haired frog. And he’d have a point. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Natalie's stand against Janine puts her on a collision course with Paul. Unbearable threesome scenes. 20.30 Ground Force 21.00 Your Life in Their Hands 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Coal War 23.25 Hollywood Greats: Dustin Hoffman 00.05 FILM: The Mod Squad Not a film about our parents’ youth. ** 01.40 FILM: The Outfit *** 03.20 Sign Zone: Black Ambition 03.30 Sign Zone: Spending the Kids' Inheritance 04.00 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece 04.50 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Little Red Tractor 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 English Express 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 FA Cup SemiFinal Draw 13.35 FILM: Moonfleet *** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 Art Crime: Women in a Bathhouse 19.50 The Flying Gardener Monty Don spreads his seed through the weave of a hot air balloon’s basket. 20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives: The Knight 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Guests are Mike Peters, Rich Hall, Fearne Cotton and Amy Winehouse. Gah! Fearne Cotton must die! Suggestions include: whipping her with a killer squid’s tentacle and rogering her ear with an African elephant’s todger. 21.30 Coupling 22.00 The Catherine Tate Show 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Career Boot 00.20 Profile 01.00 Languages and Travel
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 Hey Arnold! 16.30 The Sleepover Club 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Chas is forced to swallow her pride to land a job. Swallow her pride eh? She’s been watching too much There’s Something About Miriam. 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street Nick puts his own life in danger to save trapped Janice. Why he’s bothering I don’t know. Maybe her large mouth leads to satisfactory deep throating... 21.00 Life Begins at TV Desk... 22.00 The Ferret Gash Welsh Watchdog rip-off. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Barry Welsh is Going 23.30 Great Escapes 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Football League Extra If this wasn’t on now I would be getting a rogering. As it is, I am being ignored and consequently I hate football. 01.35 Today with Des and Mel 02.25 I Want That House 02.50 Grounded for Life 03.10 Entertainment Now! 03.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Bewitched 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.30 Planed Plant: Adar y Ddraig 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Manon betrays her sister when she takes her job at the salon and Kelvin returns to school - to the headmaster's horror. “I wish I hadn’t given him that ‘final’ boning.” 19.00 Wedi 7 19.15 Newyddion News. 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Meic is enthusiastic about an Irish night at the Deri. “I heard it was all about the crack... oh bollocks.” 20.25 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 Cariad at Iaith 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Faking It: Showbiz Reporter Haven’t seen this one. Could be promising. 23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Kingpin 01.30 Will and Grace 01.55 FILM: Avalanche Express Espionage drama in which a KGB agent tries to defect to the West on a train threatened by dangerous avalanches. Oh, see the witty pun in the title? God, the boredom is getting to me today. The office is unusually cold and Andy keeps telling me about his preferrred brand of condoms. Gah! ** 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the Avenging Ace ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Flynn is suffering from pre-wedding nerves. Well, that’s what he calls it. I call it floppy sex. 18.30 Family Affairs Geri tells Marc he has a choice to make: her or the gerbil. Gary's world falls apart as his family is investigated. No one needs to see their mum in that ‘investigative’ position with dad. 19.00 five news 19.30 Demolition Squad: London 20.00 Race for the World's Tallest Skyscraper 21.00 FILM: A Civil Action I haven’t seen it and am too tired to ask if anyone else has. Andy’s talk of bad experiences with johnnies has robbed me of a) my sanity and b) my sense of humour. Only joking Andy. I love hearing about your sex life...** 23.15 Paradise Hotel 00.15 Real Sex hurts. 01.00 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kickboxing 01.55 US PGA Golf: Ford Championship 02.45 NASCAR Busch Series: Sam's Town 300
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 The Cure Re:covered The Cure perform Lovesong and Thin Lizzy's Don't Believe A Word. 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off Lazy, lazy BBC Three. I did the listing for this last week, and it wasn’t particularly good then. 22.00 EastEnders Charlie's plan to take on Graham backfires. Hasn’t he already done Graham over, as it were? This is all too retarded for my liking. 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Cyderdelic Not the unofficial Bristol website. 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 01.30 Celebdaq 02.00 Hercules 02.30 SAS Survival Secrets 03.00 Who Rules the Roost That woman who uses her child to clean the table and that man who resents his child’s birth.
09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Emmerdale 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 18.30 Champions League 19.00 F1: Australian Grand Prix 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Holidays from Hell 21.00 Celebrities Exposed: Weight Watching 22.00 It's Good to Be... Sharon Osbourne What, with a paralysed husband, colon cancer and retarded kids? Let it be me! 22.30 Coronation Street Les ignores Fiz's words of warning. “But it’s true, cunnilingus can cause cancer!” 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 Celebrities Exposed: Weight Watching 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 David Letterman
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: The Comeback ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 Something about evil lords or something. May contain scenes of bumlove. Alex has been massaging my shoulders and it’s making me very relaxed... Argh! No Alex, I didn’t mean it was making my sphincter relaxed... Only joking Alex! I love you really... 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 The Premiership's Greatest... Matches 23.00 Mile High 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 The Amazing Race 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show
14.00 The Grill 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect: this office. Very strange things have been happening here today. For example, someone in here is wearing aftershave. Normally we all smell of BO and pizza. Or maybe I’m speaking for myself. Other things include the fact that I think I might vom and Alex has mysteriously disappeared... 18.00 A Wife for William 18.30 Five Go Dating 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City Carrie considers Aleksandr's question; Charlotte uses her maternal instincts. 22.40 The OC 23.40 Hollyoaks Footballers’ Wives with no nudity. 00.05 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.00 Sex and the City 01.35 The OC 02.25 The Secret Life of Us We eat bat eggs at noon.
As S4C, except: 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 GCSEase. 9.55 Forum. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 The Number Crew 2. 10.50 Stop Look Listen. 11.05 Scientific Eye. 11.25 We Are from Slovenia. 11.40 Place and People. 12.30 Frasier 13.00 FILM: Laughter in Paradise **** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 The Truth About Killing is that somebody usually gets hurt. 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: The Crush ** 00.40 FILM: Bound *** 02.35 This Model Life 03.35 Can You Live without... Designer Labels? Easily. For a start, I can’t afford them anyway, and secondly I do not want to look like witch-faced Sarah Jessica Parker. 04.00 4Learning Improving Schools. 4.25 Rat-A-Tat-Tat. 4.30 Star Maths. 4.40 Making It. 4.45 Sarah & Whammi. 5.00 La Tienda. 5.15 Czech Republic.
Tuesday
March 8-14 2004
Page 21
eatyourheartout@dracula.com
Champions League ITV2 7.30pm
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Out There 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Look and Read 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 Homeground: Animal Doctors 19.30 Bee in Your Bonnet: A Mission for Manners 20.00 Living the Dream 20.50 The Flying Gardener 21.00 My Week in the Real World: Peter Kilfoyle 22.00 The National Trust 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Career Boot Camp 00.20 FILM: American Movie Now then, I’ve not seen this, but it sounds excellent. A comedic documentary drama about a failing independent film director trying to shoot a low budget horror film and gets overwhelmed by his obsession for the genre, and his own directing skills. Hot Spinal Tap meets Lost In La Mancha action. Ace. 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: ReviseWise at Home: KS2 Parents and Children Science 04.00 Revisewise Challenge at Home: KS2 Science
Cwmni Drwg
Brat Camp
S4C 9pm
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 The Angry Beavers With Rachel Hunter and Penny Lancaster 16.00 Bernard's Watch 16.15 Tutenstein 16.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Is Terry's stubbornness about to drive Dawn into the arms of another man? I’m presuming “stubbornness” is a make of car. 19.30 Champions League Live: Manchester United v Porto Arrr... Manchester United are deservedly 2-1 down after the first leg, and cap’n Roy’s also overboard after walking the plank ‘twards the twilight of last week. Pirate impressions over... Ruud Van Nistelroy’s got a wet face and looks like Liv Tyler, Christiano Ronaldo is actually shit (don’t bother disagreeing) and the rest are a bunch of thugs. Losers. 21.45 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 12 Hilarious. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 All New TV's Naughtiest Blunders 12 Even more hilarious. For another 30 minutes. 23.30 Champions League 00.30 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Kelis in Profile 01.25 Champions League 03.00 World Sport 03.25 Football League Extra
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA2 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.30 Planed Plant: Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Darn o Dir 19.00 Wedi 7 News 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Cwmni Drwg: Alistair Steadman Modern day vampire action in North Wales as this two-part documentary investigating the murder of Mabel Leyshon in 2001 perpetrator Mathew Hardman, who has the least applicable surname I can personally think of. He probably listens to too much AFI and drinks Dasani then proceeds to feast on her vital organs. If you’ve been counting, you’ll note this is the third week in a row in which there’s been early-week documentaries about cannibalism. I bet they show Alive next week. The perverse old festerers. 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 Amdani 23.25 The Carrot or the Stick? 00.25 NYPD Blue
five 9pm
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Hidden in America *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Justin's mishap at the cafe is investigated. “Erm, we have reason to believe the froth on this cappucino is not what you advertise it as. Apparently the girl from the florist’s spilt some in her lap a few months ago and now she’s up the duff.” 19.00 five news 19.30 Built for the Kill: Desert Prowlers: Cold 20.00 Shark Attack five strikes again with a double bill of programmes based on the books the boyish boys at secondary school used to grab during library lessons. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.00 The Real CSI: Clifton: A minor shoplifting offense in the ultra la-de-da region of Bristol sparks an international crimewave. The Yanks in blue boom down and check it out.23.25 The World's Deadliest Gangs: The Yardies 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.50 NCAA Basketball: North Carolina v Duke 02.50 X-Terra 03.40 2004 Winter X Games
COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle
With Sarah Kendall 8pm £3.50 Wine £6 Bottle This bright young Aussie must be a tip for better things, with her nicely observed and neatly structured material delivered with a deft lightness of touch. Although her set is still evolving, her core material is slick. Definately one to watch.
XPRESS ROADSHOW SOLUS 7pm £2
LIVE
GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Ronan Keating Re:covered Old Cat’s Eyes himself remains rigid in the middle of the road as he performs a no doubt soporific version of Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl, one of his third-rate Garth Brooks numbers. On a similar note, the new Will Young single is an absolute shocker, and he’s now started doing dance routines because the song is relatively upbeat (ie not funeral-tastic). Fucking hell. 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps . 21.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Swiss Toni 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions All blown on his pseudo rock star lifestyle. 01.30 Celebdaq 02.00 Hercules 02.30 SAS Survival Secrets
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz 19.00 Champions League Live: Chelsea v Stuttgart. I gave Manchester United a relative slating a minute ago, so for the purposes of equality, I might as well stick in my two cents on Chelsea. Fair enough if they hadn’t been flooded with Russian dough, they’d have gone the way of Leeds, but then, they are the most irritating bunch of wankers who were so obsessed they were going to win before they’d even started. The hares of the premiership. Now if only the Southampton tortoises could strike... 21.55 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 22.30 2DTV 23.00 Footballers' Wives 00.00 Club Reps Uncut 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Ride to Freedom: The Rosa Parks Story *** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel Harmony wakes up with the corpse of a vampire victim in her bed, and no memory of the previous night. Not to be confused with Cwmni Drwg on S4C above, otherwise all manner of intertwining unpleasantries could be involved, and the character above’s name would be even less applicable than Mathew “I’m such a” Hardman. 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Phoebe and Joey wonder if they should date each other. 17.30 Less Than Perfect Will asks Claude out to dinner. Lydia is jealous at first, but when the date doesn't go as Claude had hoped, she and Lydia bond over ice cream. Sounds like typically inane US sitcom fodder, here and on Friends. You’d think all they ever do in America is go on hilarious dates with crazy people, and find out their boss is coming to dinner. Side-splitting. 18.00 A Wife for William 18.30 Five Go Dating 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.35 A Wife for William 22.05 Smack the Pony 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.10 More Sex Tips for Girls 23.40 Eurotrash 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Friends 01.15 A Wife for William 01.45 Smack the Pony 02.10 Smack the Pony
06.00 Insektors 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Holiday Maker. 9.55 All Together Now. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 The Number Crew. 10.50 Okey Cokey Karaoke. 11.05 Physical Processes. 11.25 Czech Republic. 11.40 On the Map. 12.30 Grudge Match 12.40 Frasier 13.10 FILM: Two-Way Stretch Fnarr! *** 15.15 Countdown . 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 The Property Chain 21.00 Brat Camp See pick of the week. 22.00 No Angels 23.05 Shameless 00.05 Kingpin 01.05 Monkey 01.50 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.35 Andromeda 03.20 The Body Story: The Cold War 03.50 Postmodern Pastimes 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Peak Performance 2. 4.20 Design Solutions. 4.35 Star Maths 4. 4.45 Rat-a-Tat-Tat Phonics. 4.50 The Number Crew 2. 5.00 Chez Mimi. 5.15 Music Search
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Today in your Union
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 17.00 Grange Hill 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours David and Lil find photos of Serena posing in a bikini. Urgh. Things I wouldn’t want to see browsing through my paperwork No 335. Incidentally, No 334 was when my dad discovered my lobotomy receipt while moving my chest of drawers at Christmas. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Ronny's return home doesn't go as Adi hoped. Shut up you miserable whining sod. 20.00 Holby City Diane is working with her new flame. It gets its name from the heat it generates... 21.00 Hustle Apparently this rips off The Sting. And looks absolute shit. Really and truly. 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 The Secrets of Hello “Jordan’s a result of OUR test tube experiment...” 00.05 FILM: All the President's Men **** 02.40 Sign Zone: The Perfect Holiday 03.10 Sign Zone: What the World Thinks of God
Two-Way Stretch C4 13.10pm
Wednesday
Today in your Union
Page 22
March 8-14 2004
drunkenmadness@pharmacyball.net
RUBBER DUCK Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00
Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50
GAMES ROOM
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Tabloid Tales BBC1 11.15pm
If The Lights Went Out BBC2 9pm
Coronation Street
Footballers’ Wives
ITV1 7.30pm
ITV1 9pm
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies 15.45 CBBC 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Harold disappears again after drinking more invisible ink. Rocco catches Connor and Carmella putting his espresso machine into a disturbing new use and David confronts Chris at his studio demanding more naked pictures of his daughter - the dirty perv. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 DIY SOS 19.30 Combat Pilot 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 The Food Police: Holiday Food Includes one woman's attempt to uncover the truth about her husband's death after he dies suddenly following a chicken meal on holiday in Spain. I’m pretty certain it was the ghost of the chicken which killed him - I’ve seen this kind of thing on The X Files. 20.30 Animal Camera: Beneath the Surface 21.00 Family Business 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Wales in our Time with John Humphrys: 1980s 23.15 Tabloid Tales: Simon Cowell 23.55 FILM: The Stickup *** 01.35 Sign Zone: Walking with Dinosaurs
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 Ocean Star: The Quest 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Boo! 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 El Nombre 10.35 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 The Life Laundry 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Lisbon ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Another Treehouse Of Horror episode - but at least it’s not one they’ve shown in the last month... 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 So What Do You Do All Day? 19.30 Fat Profits 20.00 Safe as Houses 21.00 If... the Lights Went Out A docu-drama investigating what would happen if terrorists hit our electricity supply. Personally I’m sick of all these post 9/11 scare-mongering dramas - I’d rather be ignorant than wetting the bed every night. 22.00 The If Debate - A Newsnight Special: If the Lights Went Out 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Career Boot Camp 00.20 FILM: Hard Eight Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson so could be good. *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: PSHE: Fast Tracks Science and Engineering 04.00 PSHE: Stone Cold 04.30
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 Angelina Ballerina 15.50 Sonic X 16.10 Brilliant Creatures 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Terry struggles to satisfy Dawn, while she faces up to her actions. Obviously he can’t touch her in the way that other horses can. 19.30 Coronation Street Nick comes under fire as Mike mounts a manhunt to sack the firestarter, the twisted firestarter. 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives Harley and Shannon wake up the morning after their wedding looking into the jaws of death - in the form of a 400 pound man-eating lion. Awesome limb-ripping scenes, unless they get into the spirit of the series and indulge in a threesome. 22.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Director's Commentary 23.30 Housemates After a big fight with Marc, James has begun to pull his weight around the house - the fat bifta. 00.00 Tio Pepe ITV London Restaurant Awards 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 00.55 CD:UK
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Tacteg Gwyddoniaeth CA3 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.40 Sgerbyde 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 13.15 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Nic a Peri 16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: Max-N 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm Series following 10 people who have to decide which of a series of farmyard animals they fancy the most - then chose their lover over a series of dates. 18.30 Rownd a Rownd Klaire hides her mother's cigarettes and Islwyn refuses to sell her another packet. She’ll just have to cadge them off her housemate like everyone else. 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Jim TV 21.00 Cariad at Iaith 21.30 Relocation, Relocation 22.30 ER Last week’s helicopter crash was AMAZING! Just a shame the only nasty character had to cop it - farewell “Rocket” Romano - your acid putdowns will be much missed at TV Desk. 23.30 Frasier Frasier has a slip of the tongue on television, the randy cad. 00.00 FILM: The Opposite of Sex **** 01.50 The Day the Earth Was Born 03.45 Andromeda
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Letter to My Killer ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Paris makes his intentions clear to Nick. He’s not leaving France to become the new capital of Oz. 18.30 Family Affairs Geri takes matters into her own hands with Marc. A few tugs later and the office tension is dramatically relieved. 19.00 five news 19.30 Weapons of World War II: Heavy Bombers 20.00 Roman Colosseum 21.00 The True Gladiator: Revealed 22.00 Meet the In-Laws: Courtney is 17 and is about to have her third child by different partners. 19-year-old John, the father of her latest child, has taken on Courtney's other children and the pair are planning to marry. But they still have to meet each other's parents. My, that Courtney sounds like a “friendly” girl - expect trying it on with in-law scenes. 23.05 Paradise Hotel 00.00 Real Sex 00.55 NHL Ice Hockey: Carolina Hurricanes v Tampa Bay Lightning 04.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Verno Phillips v Julio Garcia 05.10 2004 Winter X Games
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Doves Re:covered 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 FILM: Tigerland Gritty drama set in the 1970s about a group of recruits undertaking a gruelling Vietnam training regime in a Louisiana bootcamp. Directed by Joel Schumacher so bound to be the largest bag of wank since Jacko invited S Club 8 to Neverland for a sleepover. ** 22.35 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.05 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off 00.05 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.35 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.05 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 01.35 Celebdaq 02.05 Hercules 02.35 SAS Survival Secrets 03.05 Live at Johnny's 03.35 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy Yep BBC3 is fucking terrible tonight. I’d dig out those old Father Ted tapes instead.
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Coronation Street Secrets: The Street Undressed A look at the handbags and glad rags that have graced Weatherfield over 40 years, including Ena's hairnet, Hilda's rollers, Bet's beehive and Liz's minis. Ugh! *shudders* Just the idea of those women naked is almost enough to put me off sex for life - but not quite. 21.00 Real Crime: Jeremy Bamber 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 Coronation Street Secrets: The Street Undressed 23.30 David Gray in Profile 00.00 Moby in Profile 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.05 Teleshopping 03.05 ITV2 Nightscreen
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Shaughnessy ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 Teal'c and Bra'tac join forces with a Jaffa who puts his dream of a Jaffa homeworld into practice and attempts to forge an alliance with Earth. Those little orange biscuits are a strange choice for an alien - perhaps the budget was cut again. 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Stupid and Dangerous A drunken Riath with a snooker ball in a sock. 22.00 FILM: Robocop 2 *** 00.10 Britain's Hardest 01.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.50 ER 03.40 Cribs 03.50 Dharma and Greg 04.20 JAG
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends Monica's new boss gives her an impossible task: being the least annoying member of the cast. 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 A Wife for William 18.30 Five Go Dating 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Faking It Changed My Life 22.00 Father Ted Father Dougal's new rabbit Sampras has to be kept hidden when Bishop Brennan arrives to investigate a spate of nude sleepwalking. Classic wide-eyed priest scenes. 22.35 Father Ted 23.05 Teachers 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 Trigger Happy USA 01.05 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 01.35 Faking It Changed My Life 02.35 Father Ted 03.05 Father Ted
As S4C except: 06.00 Insektors 09.30 4Learning 12.30 Let It Rain 12.35 Frasier 13.05 FILM: The Red Beret ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 Relocation, Relocation 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City 00.10 The Simple Life 00.45 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.15 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.30 4 Music: Sonic Revolution: MC5 Celebration Documentary telling the story of the influential 60s rock band, featuring excerpts from a spectacular tribute show that surviving members played at the 100 Club. Awesome Kick Out The Jams scenes. 02.00 4 Music: 4 Play: Jet “Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo!” 02.15 Tour of Langkawi 2004 02.45 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding 04.35 Stargate SG-1 05.20 Countdown
Thursday
March 8-14 2004
Page 23
gayornotgay@outingfriends.com
Get Shorty ITV2 9.30pm
Ways To Get Even BBC2 midnight
Our Daughter Holly
ER
ITV1 9pm
E4 9.30pm
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies 10.20 Science Clips 10.30 Starship 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 What? Where? When? Why? 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Big Screen Britain 13.20 FILM: Five Weeks in a Balloon ** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 A Seaside Parish More trouble for Christine as she risks the wrath of her more conservative parishioners by extending the hand of friendship to the local pagan community. Here’s an interesting factoid for our readers gair rhydd has an award from the local pagan society after we slagged their faith off by accident. Strangely it’s suddenly disappeared - I’d better watch out for large wicker men outside my house... 19.30 Fishlock's Sea Stories 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 21.00 Horizon 21.50 Trouble at the Top 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Desi DNA 00.00 Ways to Get Even 00.50 Profile 01.30 Profile 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize Revision
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 CiTV 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Danny needs protection from a woman. We wouldn’t recommend Durex’s Performa condoms as they can apparently numb your cock for several hours. What a shite idea, when limp spaghetti is the last thing you want in those bareback situations. 19.30 Rock Solid 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Our Daughter Holly - A Tonight Special Unfortunately nothing to do with our own TV Holly, but a terrible piece of exploitative TV as the death of Holly Wells is milked for all it’s worth. What are we supposed to gain from watching this programme apart from a sense of guilt that we were powerless to stop her death and the knowledge that ITV are sick enough to pay the parents to share their suffering. Words do not describe my intense and bitter hatred for ITV News and all that it stands for. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Start Up 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 Grounded for Life
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Clwc 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.25 Planed Plant: Crafwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Meic and Anita are shocked to discover that Emyr and Kelly have taken drugs. Naughty kids - you shouldn’t take paracetamol... 20.25 Aelodau yn Unig 21.00 Darn o Dir Tyrbo tells Bethan he saw her snogging Karen's father and Sioned catches Gary in bed with another woman. This is set in rural Wales so the people in question are bound to be related and have webbed feet. 21.30 iDOT 22.30 No Angels After watching this I can safely say it’s neither funny nor as good as Teachers so all you listings people trying to compare it can go and shove it with a rectal thermometer. 23.30 Six Feet Under Ruth starts stalking her lodger. How do I know this storyline will get far too disturbing for my liking? 00.35 Father Ted 01.05 Monkey 01.55 Tour of Langkawi 02.25 Skiing on 4
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: City beneath the Sea ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Max recovers, but then Rhys passes out after the toxic fart fumes return to Summer Bay. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Danger! Incoming Attack Ex-Navy SEAL Jim Martin instructs Nick how to avoid gunfire. Still one of the funniest things on TV at the moment - Nick Frost’s mugging to the camera ensuring plenty of hardcore belly laughs. 20.00 FILM: Sleepless in Seattle With three cries of “it’s shit” from the office you’ve been officially warned against this pile of sappy pap. ** 22.10 FILM: Oxygen *** 00.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 00.40 UEFA Cup Football: Levski Sofia v Liverpool 02.15 Dutch Football: RKC Waalwijk v Ajax 03.50 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v River Plate 05.20 Argentinian Football Highlights “You’ve Got Mail is worse,” chimes in TV John five minutes later and somewhat off the pace. I’ll forgive him though he’s all excited about Mogwai DJing at Journeys...
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Garbage Re:covered 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 Dead Man Walking The story of Matthew Collins, the former Combat 18 activist who turned informer and was forced to flee the country. As he returns to Britain to attempt to rebuild his life after 10 years in exile, he looks at how the political far right has changed since he left and prepares to face the race hate groups from the outside aka the Conservative Party. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Still attrocious after all these years. 23.00 15 Storeys High 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.00 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 01.30 Celebdaq 02.00 Hercules 02.30 SAS Survival Secrets 03.00 Live at Johnny's 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Harry Connick Jnr... In the Studio 20.00 Celebrities Exposed: Weight Watching 21.00 It's Good to Be... Will and Jada 21.30 FILM: Get Shorty Fantastic darkly comic film about a gangster’s movement into the movie business. With John Travolta and Danny De Vito from Elmore Leonard’s novel. A sequel is currently in production my media spies tell me, which looks highly tasty. Enjoy the best thing on ITV2 this week.**** 23.30 Footballers' Wives 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Sanctuary ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation Shortly after her grandmother's death, Beverly falls under the spell of a ghost lover who has been in her family for generations. Necrophillia scenes ahoy. 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 Jack's prison break goes awry when, disguised in warders' uniform, he and Ramon Salazar are taken hostage by the rioting prisoners. D’oh! 22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 Hot Love 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 A Wife for William TV Holly went to school with the Duke of Westminster’s daughter who featured in this the other week. Apparently she wasn’t a posh knob at all and really friendly. Unfortunately for Will she wasn’t dirty though. 18.30 Five Go Dating 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER Carter returns to Chicago from the Congo and brings his girlfriend, Makemba, with him. I wonder if he’ll still be sporting that fetching beard he had last week? 22.30 A Wife for William 23.30 Friends 00.05 ER 00.55 Hollyoaks 01.25 Trigger Happy USA 01.55 A Wife for William 02.45 Five Go Dating 03.10 Trigger Happy USA
As S4C except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 06.07 The Trap Door 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 All Together Now. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 The Number Crew 2. 10.50 Okey Cokey Karaoke. 11.05 Physical Processes 3. 11.25 Jacqueline Wilson. 11.40 On the Map. 12.30 Icons: Veronica Lake 12.50 FILM: The Ambushers * 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks Abby shows Bombhead what he's been missing. A decent name for starters. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Political Slot 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 21.00 The Carrot or the Stick? 22.00 Black Books Awesome. 22.30 Father Ted 23.05 Six Feet Under 00.10 NYPD Blue 01.05 Tour of Langkawi 2004 01.30 Skiing on 4: Nordics 03.20 KOTV 03.45 Trans World Sport 04.40 The Body Story: Crash Repairs 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Tales of a
ST DAVIDS DAY GIG SEREN LAS £6 adv. 9pm Featuring Estella, Maharishi and DJ Meics
GAMES ROOM
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Today in your Union
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Grange Hill The school celebrates 125 years of learning and is bustling with activity. Fucking hell - I knew it had been on TV a while, but that’s taking the piss. 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Summer begins to appreciate Sky's point of view. Lou understands the extent of Trixie's regret. Harold upsets Serena by telling the truth. That she’s an ugly little shite who needs to be killed off as soon as possible and shouldn’t get too comfortable in her trailer. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Didn't They Do Well! 19.30 EastEnders Vicki makes sure Sharon and Dennis get a nasty shock when they arrive home and Pat makes a horrifying discovery. They both walk in on her shagging Ash then. 20.00 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 21.30 A Life of Grime 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.55 FILM: Marathon Man **** 03.15 Sign Zone 04.45 Joins BBC News 24
THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50
Friday
Today in your Union
Page 24
March 8-14 2004
TVJohn@longhairedhippy.com
LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50
GAMES ROOM
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
THE TAF
Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1
Top of the Pops BBC1 7.30pm
FILM: BAPS five 1.35am
The Premierships Greatest... C4 12.05pm
The Grill E4 6pm
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Trading Treasures 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 Intergalactic Kitchen 16.40 What's New Scooby Doo? 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lou invests everything in’Hello Dolly’, his sexy franchise destined to set the world of the plastic-fantastic obsessed lonely perverts of Ramsay Street on fire. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops Anastacia, Janet Jackson and Nelly Furtado. Titless, Tits Out, and a woman who wants to be one, then. 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 My Family Reloaded: Special 21.00 The Worst Week of My Life 21.30 Wild West Wasn’t this shit? What’s worse, the fact the original bag of toss is being repeated, or the fact this could be a brand spanking new bag of toss? 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.30 Boxing 01.05 FILM: The Young and the Reckless: the Cool and the Crazy ** 02.30 Joins BBC News 24
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 All or Nothing 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write Non-Fiction 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 The Phil Silvers Show 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Rugby Special 14.15 Trade Secrets 14.25 FILM: Sherlock Holmes in Washington Implausiblesounding detective drama. ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.25 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Scrum V Live Celtic Warriors v UIster. 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Nile Documentary about a big river. GCSE Geography oral presentation coursework flashbacks ensue. 22.20 The Flying Gardener 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 The X Files 00.15 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 01.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Emperor's Gift 02.30 Understanding Music: A Change of Key? 03.00 The Palazzo Pubblico, Siena 03.30 Mexico City - Whose City? 04.00 Insights into Violence 04.30 Global Firms in the Industrialising East 05.00 Reinventing the City Overuse of the word “city” in tonight’s Open University offerings. 05.50 Ever Wondered?
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 You've Been Framed! With Johnny Wanker. 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale Val continues to hang around the antiques barn. The Emmerdale bike sheds/red light district. 19.30 Coronation Street Mike is in turmoil over his future at Underworld. Shouting ‘lager lager...’ Did anyone ever wonder what the ‘mega mega white thing’ mentioned in that song was supposed to be? 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Inspector Morse Hoitytoity guff with overintelligent philosophising about degree students and opera singers. Fuck you, Morse. If you weren’t already pushing up the daisies, I’d be getting you a one way ticket to Midsomer, pronto. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Change for the Better? 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 2DTV 01.30 Undeclared 02.00 Entertainment Now! 02.25 CD:UK Hotshots 02.50 Today with Des and Mel 03.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.55 ITV Nightscreen
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Bernie Mac Show 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Mymryn Bach 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Has Steffan forced Beryl to change her will? Will Darren tell the truth about the E tablets? 20.25 Cariad at Iaith 21.30 Friends 22.00 Sex and the City 22.40 NY Graham Norton 23.40 Black Books Brilliant, brilliant television. Long overdue too. I know Andy will have gone on about it, so I won’t. But watch it for the good of everyone. 00.10 Banzai 00.40 The Comedy Lab 01.10 South Park 01.40 King of the Hill 02.05 Futurama 02.30 Tour of Langkawi 02.55 Skiing on 4 Actually, Black Books is so good that just after series two came out, I watched the first series on DVD all in one afternoon, and I decided I had enough similarities to Bernard that I started drinking wine all the time and generally being rude to people more than usual. This culminated in me being sick all over the stairs at ‘All Tomorrow’s Parties’ and not having very many friends. There is NO higher recommendation.
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: McLeod's Daughters ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Donald Judd At Tate 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: The Patriot ** 22.45 FILM: Red Scorpion * 00.45 The Shield 01.35 FILM: BAPS With Halle Berry, who isn’t attractive or talented. Surely the first person to ever say that. * 03.05 Short Story Cinema 03.40 Beverly Hills, 90210 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Blah blah blah this week’s TV Desk has been soundtracked everywhere except in here by the music of Labradford, The Constantines, Usher, Thrice, Coheed and Cambria, Yo La Tengo, The Wild, The Innocent And The E Street Shuffle by Bruce Springsteen, and the absolutely beautiful The Dead Crow by Songs: Ohia. All available from your local record store. Or from me, if you want to come round my house and borrow them. Not. Oh no! I just re-edited the grey box because I hadn’t done it properly, and I’m left with a gaping hole the size of Arkansas to try and fill. Oh...
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.15 Three's a Crowd 19.45 3 Non-Blondes 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 EastEnders 21.00 Pulling Moves 21.30 Pulling Moves 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 The Practice 00.10 Live at Johnny's 00.40 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.10 Three's a Crowd 01.40 Hercules 02.10 SAS Survival Secrets 02.40 Live at Johnny's 03.10 Westminster Wannabes A distinct example of dumbing down here, as it sounds suspiciously like a Pop Idol/General Election crossover. Urgh. In case you’ve ever wondered, we get our pictures for our pages using image search on Google. This is a never ending source of amusement, as pretty much anything you type in, such as “chair” or “bottle”, results in cheap pornography with chairs and bottles in. You’d never guess what happened when we typed in “hermaphrodite.” Yes! That’s right - a picture of Morrissey.
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now Films on view tonight include Starsky & Hutch and Honey, which sounds utterly horrendous and stars a load of supposedly cool rappers losing all their hip value in a matter of seconds. Although the Gap advert with Missy didn’t exactly increase her credibility. 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 3 21.50 American Idol 3 22.40 Coronation Street 23.10 Club Reps Uncut 00.10 The Frank Skinner Show 00.45 Jerry Springer 01.35 Late Show with David Letterman 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman You can’t put a mobile phone in a photo album, you can’t put a text message in a lover’s box under your bed.
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Heart of Fire ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Max Magic 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw 21.05 FILM: Hot Shots! Part Deux Assorted comments from Andy: “...not as good as the first. Good bits with chickens, duracell bunnies, kickboxing. Rowan Atkinson’s in it” ** 22.45 There's Something about Miriam 23.45 The Premiership's Greatest... Matches 00.05 The Premiership's Greatest... Players With Jason Lee. 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.40 ER 03.30 JAG 04.20 The X Files 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 The Grill With Vernon Kay interviewing heavy metal band Gwar, which is a preposterous idea. Gwar, if you’re interested, have been around donkey’s years and wear masks à la Slipknot but are even more ridiculous and sound like a thrashing eel being poked with a cocktail stick.18.30 Five Go Dating 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 No Angels 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us Gabrielle has a crisis as she defends a male flasher. 00.00 Oz ^ Look... do you think E4 chose to put Oz on at midnight so that it would spell out “0000Oz”? 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 No Angels 02.30 Without a Trace 03.10 The Secret Life of Us Time is ticking away. The boys are back in town spdpdfog, we.
08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 All Together Now. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 The Number Crew 2. 10.50 Okey Cokey Karaoke. 11.05 Physical Processes 3. 11.25 Jacqueline Wilson. 11.40 On the Map. 12.30 Icons: Marlene Dietrich 12.45 FILM: The Quiller Memorandum *** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.30 Without Prejudice? 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 23.40 Banzai 00.15 South Park 00.45 The Grill Just incase you haven’t got E4, you can see old Vern’ interviewing Gwar on terrestrial. 01.15 King of the Hill. 01.40 Futurama 02.05 20 Things to Do before You're 30 02.30 Skiing on 4: Alpine World Cup 04.15 Fire Mummies of the Philippines Programmes with titles like this really shouldn’t be left to waste in the early hours of Saturday morning. The Egyptians? Pah.
Saturday
March 8-14 2004
Page 25
analfixation@gairrhydd.co.uk David Dickinson
Harry Hill’s TV Burp ITV midnight
E4 6.30pm
06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 The Nation's Favourite Food 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night 13.10 Animal Park 14.10 FILM: Ben-Hur Why is this so long? ***** 17.35 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 18.10 Flog It! A small hairy man this week wallops are large-arsed lady of a certain age. 19.10 Spartans at the Gates of Fire Men wearing sporrans try to put off an attack of diarrhoea. 20.10 Ancestors: Journey to Hell 21.00 Britain's Best Sitcom: Vicar of Dibley I don’t know who’s presenting this. Could be one of a festival of middle-aged, middle-class cunts, eg Alan Titchmarsh. Vicar is OK, I suppose, but I can’t believe it made it to the top ten. Evil BBC influences anyone? 22.00 The Vicar of Dibley Geraldine is busy preparing for Alice and Hugo's wedding, but is unprepared for her first meeting with David's dashing brother. Oh no, I seem to remember that this one’s really sad, and poor Geraldine is left broken-hearted. And let’s not even mention the state of her bed springs... 22.30 Happy Now 00.10 Give My Head Peace 00.40 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 01.10 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: How We Study Children 02.30 Something in the Air 03.00 The Census 03.30 Animal Physiology 04.00 Cybersouls 04.30 The Challenge 05.00 Bloodlines: A Family Legacy 05.30 Imagining the Pacific
Dare to Believe
Club Reps Uncut
ITV 2.55am
ITV2 10.50pm
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 13.40 Quincy 14.40 Coronation Street Omnibus 16.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.30 Stars in Their Eyes Live Final I’m so glad Matthew’s back. I don’t know who’s competing in the final, but I’m glad Matthew’s beaming, bearded face is there to share it with me. So, how come he missed so many shows? He was busy doing Aladdin. 19.00 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway I know I shouldn’t encourage them, but I keep laughing at the advert for this. 20.00 Wants to Be a Millionaire? 21.00 Stars in Their Eyes: Live Final Results 21.15 Murder in Suburbia 22.15 ITV News 22.30 The Premiership Retarded men fall over a lot and attempt to pull each others’ shorts down. Well, that’s what I want to happen anyway. 00.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.25 FILM: Grumpier Old Men Pile of wank, probably. Can you imagine what a pile of wank would look like? I would imagine it’s more of a soup of wank, if you can use soup as a collective noun, and I don’t actually think you can. *** 02.00 CD:UK 02.55 Dare to Believe that TV Desk give you a non-biased, non-innuendo laden view of TV. 03.20 Mixmasters 03.45 The Machine a chrome Rampant Rabbit. 04.10 Entertainment Now! 04.40 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Skiing on 4: World Cup Finals 07.55 Trans World Sport 08.55 The Morning Line 09.50 Supporting Acts 10.00 Salvage Squad 11.00 Scrapheap Challenge 12.00 Smash Hits Chart 12.30 A Wife for William 13.00 As If 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Sandown Park and Wolverhampton 15.30 The Regency Banquet 16.00 Men of Iron, knobs of steel. 17.00 Newyddion News. 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Llanelli v Cardiff Live 19.30 Adrenaline Extreme 20.00 Newyddion a Chwaraeon News and sport, apparently. 20.15 Noson Lawen 21.15 Y Palmant Aur Another chance to enjoy the drama series set in London and Ceredigion, following the lives of the Jenkins family in the 1920s. Hmm, when they say ‘enjoy’, the TV powers that be probably mean before committing suicide by drowning in White Lightening. 22.15 The Ultimate Pop Star Camp gash won by retarded, botoxed and limp-wristed Cliff Richard. I can’t believe I used to like Summer Holiday as a child. 01.45 FILM: Room to Rent Lighthearted drama about an Egyptian immigrant trying to make a name for himself in London. Supporting himself through several endeavours, the man finds himself in trouble after he loses the roof over his head, but a suggestion by a friend may be the answer to all his prayers. Hmm, sounds hilarious. Let’s guess that the ‘suggestion’ will be selling brown wings to the highest bidder... *** 03.15 Skiing on 4 05.00 KOTV I want to groan very loudly but I know I shouldn’t.
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Shake! 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Robot Wars 15.05 The Chart 15.35 FILM: Walk the Proud Land ** 17.15 FILM: Doc Savage... The Man of Bronze ** 19.05 Charmed 19.55 five news and sport 20.10 Martial Law CSI: Miami 21.55 Law and Order 22.55 FILM: Family of Cops III Third installment of the action dramas in which a police inspector tries to juggle domestic and family troubles with advancement of his career. This time he joins forces with his detective son to investigate the murder of a Milwaukee millionaire. The plot thickens when the millionaire's son, the prime suspect, is found murdered in his car. Whoever the fuck thought this up needs to go into the same place as the people who thought up George Of The Jungle, Jay and Silent Bob and Secretary. The world is full of crap films, for god’s sake. If you know it’s going to be bad, just turn it into porn, please. ** 00.45 Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn v Jorge Amparo 01.35 Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn v Sanderline Williams 02.25 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kickboxing 03.20 Boxing Classic: Jack Johnson 04.20 The Cold War 05.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters How does an Eskimo build an igloo? Igloos it together. Sorry.
COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30
AIESEC PRESENTS ‘BUSINESS IS CHANGING’ JULIAN HODGE THEATRE 10am – 5pm Tickets £3
THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30
GAMES ROOM 19.00 Liquid Assets: Brad and Jennifer's 20.00 Who Rules the Roost This week, it’s TV Andy who has scared me into making a series of typos. Or it could be TV John, who has just come over and nonchalantly stated the unprecedented: he’s finished his pages first. Argh! 21.00 FILM: Virus The biggest piece of toss imaginable apparently. And it’s got ‘shim’ Jamie Lee Curtis in it, and she scares the shit out of me. Those boobs definitely aren’t real, know what I mean? ** 22.30 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Jonny ruins his first date with Kate. A spider upsets Louise's plans. Gaz bids to become a pop idol. 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Liquid Assets: Brad and Jennifer's Millions 01.25 Three's a Crowd 01.55 Three's a Crowd 02.25 Three's a Crowd 02.55 Three's a Crowd 03.20 SAS Survival Secrets make sure you have lots of Vaseline, make sure you wash your foreskin...
09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Tio Pepe ITV London Restaurant Awards 14.20 Movies Now 14.30 CD:UK 15.30 Entertainment Today Unfortunately not like Entertainment Now, but then that’s gone crap anyway with that stupid man doing the voiceover who isn’t very funny. 16.20 Movies Now 16.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 16.55 Airline 17.30 Airline 18.00 Entertainment Today 18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Holiday Showdown 20.00 Holiday Hospital: Palma 21.00 FILM: 10 Things I Hate about You Passable but not good teen film with a very wrong-looking Heath Ledger. No sex. *** 22.50 Club Reps Uncut 23.50 Celebrities Exposed: Weight Watching 00.50 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Me. 01.50 Teleshopping 02.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus
06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line A documentary about why more and more women decide that they want back-door entry. Maybe. 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Cold Case 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.40 Cops 03.05 America's Dumbest Criminals 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager
14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.20 As If 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus Blondes whine, shag with their clothes on and make innuendos that would upset the Carry On cast. 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If A new series, depsite the fact they’ve all been moonlighting: Sasha in Footballers’ Wives and that brown-haired one who was in Midsomer Murders the other day. Not that I watch things like that, of course. 18.00 The Grill 18.30 G Girls 19.00 G Girls 19.30 A Wife for William 20.30 Friends 21.00 Shameless The Gallagher family start a manhunt when Frank goes missing on Giro day. The agoraphobic, Carol, was in Midsomer too... She was the murderer, by the way. 22.00 Sex and the City 22.45 Sex and the City 23.20 Sex and the City 00.00 NY Graham Norton 01.05 Six Feet Under 02.05 The Sopranos 02.55 Kingpin
As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.50 T4: Smash Hits Chart 10.20 T4: Friends 10.55 T4: A Wife for William 11.25 T4: Friends 11.55 T4: The OC 12.55 T4: As If 15.30 The Tower: Tower Top Brass What is this a euphemism for? Getting a bumming whilst bending over to retrieve 2p on toip of a tall building, maybe? 16.30 What Killed the Megabeasts? Me, me, with my weighty norks and boulder-holder swinging around my head. 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 Battle Stations: F-117 Nighthawk Stealth 20.00 Regency House Party Lots of people swan around in too-tight corsets and breeches. Can’t get hold of Gorillas In The Ass? Don’t worry! 21.00 The 100 Greatest Films 00.00 Brits Go to Hollywood 01.00 NY Graham Norton 02.00 4 Music: Ear Candy 02.30 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 02.45 FILM: 20 Dates Less than me! ** 04.15 Off Centre 04.40 Jack and Jill 05.25 Countdown
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Today in your Union
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Rugby Union: Sale Sharks v Leeds Tykes 14.55 Rugby League: St Helens v Leeds Rhinos 15.45 Football Update 15.50 Rugby League: St Helens v Leeds Rhinos Are there rhinos in Leeds? Someone’s been telling porky pies, I fear... 16.40 Wales on Saturday 17.25 Keeping Up Appearances 17.55 Just for Laughs My housemates guffaw at this, but I think it’s an unsubtle rip-off of Dom Joly’s age-old pranks... 18.25 BBC News; Regional News. 18.45 Only Fools and Horses I hate this. Today I hate everything, and I feel very odd. TV John, what are you doing to my coke? 19.35 The National Lottery Jet Set 20.10 Casualty 21.00 Parkinson George Michael, plus impressionist Jon Culshaw and actor Bill Nighy. Gah, George Michael looks like a ferret (and probably smells like one too). 22.00 BBC News 22.20 Jim Davidson's Commercial Breakdown 22.50 FILM: Species Sex, nudity, good special effects... blah blah. I think I might have seen this actually. Let me think... no, I’ve seen the pornalike, Uranus Species... *** 00.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross
G Girls
Sunday
Page 26
March 8-14 2004
retardedaccusation@deadgirl.co.uk
THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK
Today in your Union
Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won! Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00
Hannibal Brooks BBC1 1pm
The Man Who Ate His The Wicker Man C4 1.50am Lover S4C 9.55pm
The Long Kiss Goodnight five 9pm
06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 FILM: Hannibal Brooks Classic elephant drama starring Oliver Reed, who takes said pachyderm over the Alps to escape from the Nazis during WWII. Has the TV Andy schoolboy film approval award.*** 14.40 Here Comes the Sun 15.30 EastEnders 17.25 BBC News; Weather 17.50 Songs of Praise 18.30 Last of the Summer Wine 19.00 The Bermuda Triangle: Beneath the Waves Investigation into the mysterious region of the ocean said to make planes travel back in time, ships disappear and men wear hideously coloured shorts. 20.00 Born and Bred 21.00 Travels with My Unfit Mother 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: The Truth About Tax It’s shit and takes a fat wodge of your hard-earned cash - that’s all you need to know. 22.55 On Show 23.25 FILM: The Wild Geese With Richard Burton and Roger Moore. Terrible birdwatching movie - or maybe it isn’t. Brave it yourself and find out. ** 01.40 FILM: The Stepsister Semi-incestous action ahoy. *** 03.10 Joins BBC News 24 If Alex mentions either: a) the fact he wants to shag some bloke from the office b) how drunk he supposedly is c) his best friend having pole dancing lessons or d) the merits of the new Britney single, he’s going off the balcony. Ah there we go have a nice flight Alex...
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Bible Mysteries 13.30 Sunday Grandstand 13.35 Sport + 14.00 Rugby Union: Newcastle Falcons v Pertemps Bees 16.00 All England Badminton Championships 17.20 Rugby League 17.30 Scrum V 18.10 Natural World: Ireland: Sculpted Isle 19.00 When Black Became Beautiful: Bittersweet The Beyoncé Knowles story... 20.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough? I’ve actually become quite hooked to this survival series as I wonder how on earth anyone could put themselves through the process of joining the SAS without being part of the army. Plus Dermot is always a watchable host. God that sounds gay... 21.00 Gunpowder, Treason and Plot Bizarrely-timed fourpart drama about the reigns of Mary Queen of Scots and James I. Surely this should be saved for November... 21.50 Gunpowder, Treason and Plot Part two. 22.45 FILM: Best in Show First rate satire on the world of dog shows by the creators of Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind. **** 00.10 Rugby Special 01.00 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Wise at Work: Money Matters: Cashwise 03.00 Webwise for Business: Using the Internet
06.00 GMTV 09.25 The Premiership 10.30 The Story Keepers 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Waterfront 12.30 Soccer Sunday 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 Speed Sunday 15.00 World Rally Championship 16.00 Jacob's Ladder 16.30 Learner Drivers 17.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp That guy from Carrot and the Stick he had on last week looked just like Dave from Sports Desk - a shame Dave won’t give us a rendition of Eye Of The Tiger. 17.25 ITV1 Wales News 17.40 Grass Roots 18.10 How to Holiday 18.40 ITV News 19.00 Emmerdale Val's persistence finally pays off and she enjoys an afternoon of passion. Terry manages to rise to the occasion on his wedding anniversary - but is Dawn's mind elsewhere? An afternoon of filth in the dales then. *shudders* 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary 22.05 Hardware Featuring the considerable acting talents of Martin Freeman and Peter Serfinawitz and the bald headed shiteness of Ken Morley. 22.30 2DTV Featuring another of the 101 Uses for Leslie Ash, such as sleeping policeman or a shipping buoy. 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 00.05 Faith and Music 00.45 Starsky and Hutch: The Premiere 01.10 Lads Army 02.05 Bridezillas 02.30 Today with Des and Mel 03.20 Cybernet 03.45 Get Stuffed!
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 07.30 Skiing on 4: World Cup Finals 08.30 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Preview 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Y Clwb 14.00 Stargate SG-1 14.45 Star Trek: Enterprise 15.30 T4 Loves Sex and the City 16.00 Property Ladder 17.00 Maniffesto 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cyngerdd y Tri 21.45 Newyddion News. 21.55 Bodyshock: The Man Who Ate His Lover Fine Sunday evening family viewing for anyone who missed it the other day. Disturbing, but strangely compelling look at the German man who killed and ate a willing victim he met over the internet. 22.55 He's Starsky, I'm Hutch and I’m TV Andy who is cautiously voicing approval for the Stiller/Wilson remake while giving myself enough space to run away if it turns out to be a big pile of donkey droppings. 23.55 Regency House Party 01.00 Channel 4 Racing: Cheltenham Festival Preview 01.30 FILM: Wings of the Dove Period drama tosh with Helena Bonham Carter which would bore me to tears if I bothered to give it the time of day. **** 03.20 FILM: Plunkett and Macleane Featuring a great cameo from Matt Lucas and some fantastic banter about STDs. The rest is pish. ** Two days down and the final one well on the way; it’s looking hopeful to be home in time for the final Garth Marenghi...
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.15 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 07.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.05 The Ice Cream Machine 11.20 Aliens among Us 11.35 Braceface 12.05 Revelations 12.40 Divine Designs 13.10 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Robot Wars 14.45 CIS Insurance Cup Final: Hibernian v Livingston 17.05 Dream Holiday Home 17.35 five news and sport 18.00 FILM: Splash With Tom 18.25 Hanks and Daryl Hannah this Disney fairytale is high on saccharine, but also on talent with director Ron Howard doing quite well for his debut effort. *** 20.00 Avalanche Alert The Feltz has been skiing again. 21.00 FILM: The Long Kiss Goodnight Ingenious thriller which got panned by critics, leading its writer to stop working on films until his new feature hits later this year. *** 23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos: World's Fastest Chases 00.15 NHL Ice Hockey: Detroit Red Wings v Nashville Predators 03.30 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix I’m having a little boogie to Red Hot Car by Squarepusher - why don’t you join me - JOIN ME!
19.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off Yet another showing of this “in depth” documentary... 20.00 Liquid Assets: Cameron Diaz's Millions I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on those. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost Polishing with the kids scenes. 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Cyderdelic The team make their way to Berlin to buy their place on a float in the famous Love Parade, with hilarious consequences... 00.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off 00.55 Liquid Assets: Cameron Diaz's Millions 01.55 Dead Man Walking 02.55 Little Britain 03.25 SAS Survival Secrets To the two fuckers who were messing around with the lift when I was in there earlier I COULD HAVE DIED YOU PAIR OF PRIZE CUNTS. I know where you live, I know what you watch and I know you like to suck each other off to Enya. FACT!
09.25 American Idol 10.45 American Idol 11.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 12.35 Planet's Funniest Animals 12.55 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Secrets: The Street Undressed 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Harry Connick Jnr... In the Studio 20.00 American Idol 21.20 American Idol 22.10 Celebrities Exposed: Weight Watching 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 Coronation Street Secrets: The Street Undressed 00.40 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.10 Entertainment Today 02.00 Teleshopping 03.00 The Naked Truth 03.20 The Naked Truth Sounds promising - you can’t beat a good bit of smut on a Sunday evening. 03.50 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.05 Trisha The soothing sounds of Patrick Wolf greet the 9pm mark as I rapidly try to get these fuckers...
06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Max Magic 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team After a panic attack during training Luke seeks hypnotherapy from Paul McKenna. Ye gods! That’s even trashier than Footballers’ Wives. 21.00 There's Something about Miriam 22.00 Mile High 23.00 There's Something about Miriam 23.30 Porno Valley 00.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 01.00 Extreme Witness 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment
14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.20 Popworld: Busted Special 15.20 Union Jack 15.45 Union Jack 16.15 The Simple Life 16.40 The Simple Life 17.05 Friends 17.35 The Grill 18.05 The Grill 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years While stopping a robbery, Clark is rendered temporarily blind - only for his hearing to become extremely sensitive. Too much monkey spanking methinks. 19.25 The OC 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 The OC 23.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 00.30 The Secret Life of Us 01.25 A Wife for William 02.20 Friends 02.50 ER ...finished. If anyone would like to take over from our good selves next year (and to be fair I’m not coming back from Bristol each week to write these) then they should come up on a Thursday afternoon to see us.
As S4C except: 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks 13.00 T4: The Simple Life: 13.30 T4: The Grill 14.05 T4: Friends 14.35 T4: T4 Loves Sex and the City 15.05 T4: Stargate SG-1 16.05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Time Team 18.00 Friends 18.30 T4: The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Travelling into Trouble 21.00 He's Starsky, I'm Hutch 22.00 FILM: True Romance Quentin Tarantino’s first writing gig is a bloody but slick affair with Ridley’s brother Tony Scott on the directing duties. **** 00.20 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival Preview 00.50 Football: South American Championship 01.50 FILM: The Wicker Man BEST HORROR FILM EVER! YOU MUST SEE THIS BRITISH CLASSIC. ***** 03.40 FILM: The Cicerones A selection of short films from around the world. 04.00 FILM: The Man Who Knew Too Much Classic thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock. *** 05.15 Countdown
GAMES ROOM
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Five minute fun
March 8 2004
Page 27
grfiveminutefun@cf.ac.uk
The Half-Arsed Quiz
Well g’day fellow students, guess who’s back, back again? Don’t all cheer at once, I know you’ve missed me really... despite recent rumours. And just for the record, the two geeks who slagged me off in text (how cowardly, at least do it to my face!) I will hunt you down and kill you, mark my words. Failing that, go and fuck off to a dictionary and kindly look up the word ‘irony’, or possibly ‘sarcasm’. Either way, I don’t want you two losers to ever read this page again... no wait... come back, you were my only readers.
1. How much are two doubles in Creation on a Saturday night? 2. Which quality kids’ TV show did Bungle appear in? 3. Who is the voice of Mrs Potts in Beauty And The Beast? 4. What is marketed as “the classic game of counter strategy”? (It kicks ass; that’s a clue.) 5. What’s the name of the youngest Fimble? 6. Name the four main characters from The Good Life. 7. Who wrote and directed Clueless? 8. What won Best Film at this years BAFTAs and Oscars? 9. What is John Peel’s favourite song of all time? 10. Where is the Brecon Carreg spring located?
This is as close an image I could find, of what I look like, so now you all know which maniac writes this page, but my nose is a little bigger!! Thank you par-
1. £10.20 (I almost threw my drink at the barmaid) 2. Rainbow 3. Angela Lansbur y (aka Jessica Fletcher) 4. Connect 4. 5. Baby Pom 6. Margo, Jerr y, Barbara and Tom 7. Amy Heckerling 8. Lord Of The Rings 9. Teenage Kicks by the Under tones 10. Brecon Beacons National Park. Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. Tiebreaker: Write a brief song about your favourite lecturer. I don’t want them all about the infamous J-Lew (jomec legend) _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last weeks winner: Celeste Bond, for her political rant. Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805
Phrase of the we e k This week’s unusual phrase of the week will enter your vocabularly in approximately T minus 3-2-1 seconds after reading it. I know this to be true, ‘cos my (rather limited) group of friends have instantly cottoned onto its uniqueness. I say limited friends, not because there’s anything lacking in their fragile brains, but because the Top Of The Pops competition last week brought a tear to my eye. The winner had to be accompanied by 49 mates, and it forced me to realise that I probably don’t have 49 friends. So, if you see me round uni (I look like an elven queen) then please befriend me. I have lollipops! “Have a coffee and get over it!” Needs to be said when someone is whining and generally pissing you off, by continuing to go on about something irrelevant. To emphasise this point, simply add the words “you loser” after it. Good luck space cadets.
Joke Corner Pete rings his boss at work and says “Look, I’m really sorry, but I can’t come to work today, I’m sick.” “Sick!” screams the boss. “Sick! This is the tenth time this month Pete. Exactly how sick are you?” “Well,” replies Pete. “I’m in bed with my 12-year-old sister.” Tommy ran home from school, as he couldn’t wait to break the news. “Mum, Mum,” he yelled. “I had sex with my geography teacher today!” “Dad, Dad. Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher” “I’m proud of you son,” the father replied, to the mother’s disbelief. “I think now you’re old enough to ride your brother’s bike.” Tommy’s face dropped in disappointment. “I can’t. My arse hurts.” Two cows in a field. One says to the other, “What do you make of this mad cow disease?” The other one says “Doesn’t affect me, mate.” “Oh yeah? Why’s that? “I’m a helicopter.”
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Matt’s Problem Page
Page 28
March 8 2004
grproblempage@cf.ac.uk: Evil Harold! Evil Harold! Evil Harold!
Problem of the Week pimp. If all this page does is make Man eating bed people realise that *perhaps* they Hey Matt, I was wondering what you could do to help me: I have this abnormal fear of leaving my bed. I dread the mornings because I know I will have to leave it. I'm afraid to even get into bed because it will suck me up and I simply will not be able to fathom leaving it. I don't know if it's because of the impossibly cold weather we have been having lately, but I used to be such a socialite. I used to love going out and meeting new people. Now anything like this scares the shit out of me. I've never been one to suffer from chronic shyness, what is happening to me? Please... impart your satirical wisdom. Anon 4th year I watched Trisha this morning. It made me think about my life. It's alright really. Satirical wisdom? I'm not exactly the guru of all that is biting and sarcastic. You might want to go somewhere else for that. Either way, you're clearly fucked up, you're clearly weird, you're clearly in need of medical attention/medicine, or maybe just a little TLC from the
Ahem Dear Reader: I was sent this email a few days ago, and to be honest with you, it’s the best email I have received to date, read it and if you are the ONE then please get in contact with him.
get a little too worked up about nothing, then good. Otherwise, fantastic, you're absolutely deluded, it's so refreshing, genuinely, you're just off your tits, you're completely without anything that constitutes a normal person, you just sit and think I'm a horrible, horrible bastard, to which you'd probably be right. If I could institutionalise you I would, only my method would involve some kind of electrocution for being SO STUPID, for not realising that BEDS DO NOT EAT PEOPLE, THEY ARE NOT EVEN OMNIVORES. Beds like to sit and be lazy, often enjoying the company of others (only not with the lights on and the curtains open at 1am) and they like to be clean. What they don't do, is eat people. Absolutely without reservation. No matter how useless you feel for spending Daddy's money on your education - no matter how hard you try to justify buying all those Marks & Spencer bed sheets and some sensibility of modern-retrochrome-Ikea-minimalist-LawrenceLlewelyn-Bowen-ponced-up-shit-forwalls-florally-minge. Please. Just go home. Matt
you, or anyone you know, knows this girl. If you do, please, please make sure she receives this email. If not, maybe you could give me another mail address from someone who you think will know her. Thank you so much in advance. Kind regards,
“Dear Mr Goussous,
Rick Suurmond (The Netherlands)”
The next question might seem a little unusual to you. Two weeks ago I spent my holiday together with my family in Sharm el Sheikh, Egypt. During the last day of our stay, I met this really nice girl, with whom I talked for a while. She stayed in the same hotel (Tropicana Grand Oasis) as me, for two weeks. Sadly, I don't know her name or email address. The only thing I know is that she is a third-year English Literature student at Cardiff University, and that she's 21 years old. She has long blond hair. She's not very tall, but very pretty.
Dear mystery lady, if nothing works out between you and Mr Suurmond, then could you send me an email, as my housemate Ben is on the look for a girlfriend.
My question is: If you, or anyone you know, happens to know her, could you please forward this email to her, so that she can decide whether she wants to write me an email back. Actually, I have no idea if this girl is a member of a society, but I thought that there might be a chance that
Sincerely yours: Rami Goussous Dear sir, I feel ever so slightly guilty. You see, I read this and wet myself, so Letters let me have it. I’m sorry. It’s just funny. I’ve edited it a slight amount because well, it was beginning to freak me out. Either way, we must find this female! Apparently she’s from Bristol too. OK, old bean? Hehehe I love everyone. Matt
Parp
have to stick it out a little. Make it seem that her farts are in fact, giving you lung cancer. "For a laugh" light her farts. Doing this when she is naked may result in some napalm-esque visuals, or just a "I've dropped the hosepipe on full power" effect, culminating in loss of protective hair. Ahem. The farting on face routine is pretty inexcusable though, so perhaps if you just dropped some friends off on her chest in the night it would compensate for this loss of self-respect. To think that up to a few years ago, I assumed the female poo was reminiscent of the product of a Play-Doh spaghetti maker smooth and inoffensive. How wrong I was eh? I have also neglected that you may in fact be a lady. This may have been a criminal error, resulting in my dismissal or "resignation". Confront her, and spray her in the eyes with something mildly irritable.
Dear Matt My girlfriend farts in bed, constantly. Sometimes she farts on my face "for a laugh", or she just does it to amuse herself. It's all getting a bit too much, it's really out of order and it smells awful most of the time. It's a proper turn off, and if it doesn't stop it's going to be quite detrimental to my feelings for her, because it's just wrong and I really don't enjoy it. Thing is, I don't particularly want to upset her feelings by breaking it to her the wrong way. What do you reckon I should do? I don't think it's all that much of a problem but I wouldn't mind knowing how you respond so I can at least have a giggle. Anon, Roath Original, that one. Flatulanceaphobia. Can't win fella, not really. You might just
Who wants some? Dear Matt I'm living with a really violent housemate. He constantly gets in fights and when he's driving he gets really wound up at the smallest thing. He often shouts at pedestrians for a laugh, and when he's bored on a night out he just kicks off with anyone that he takes a dislike to. Also, when he's in his room late at night, there's a lot of crashing and banging, alot of noise that lasts for quite a while as if he's kicking the shit out of something. Maybe his pillow. Anyway, what can we do to help him get a grip, or calm him down, or whatever? Cheers Some people, somewhere Pillow wars. How contrived. I dunno, I remember fighting my sibling with three pillows and he had a snooker cue. You see, being the eldest I have authority over everything when it suits me. I got the best presents etc, they got my old clothes. Remember when roller skating was cool? I did too,
Matt before some fat wench sat on me and completely destroyed my ankle. Shouting at pedestrians can reap rewards. Such instances are best executed with phrases such as "I'VE GOT YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD IN MY BOOT" and "IT WAS ME, I ROBBED YOUR WALLET". What you do NOT do, is launch projectiles from the car. You must absolutely, under no circumstances, use a piece of sewer pipe and some fireworks to make a bazooka. You must also not hurl dairy products to maim the jackets of nearest and dearest to me. This may result in the assailant being shot at. You can't calm such a person down. It would involve too much energy. Just ignore him, ignore his face. Or give him a good shoeing, but I would not condone such an action - it would be cowardly - so employ broom handles and woks to systematically remove function of limbs. As for the fighting when out on the piss, it's all alright. Somehow, it became alright to fight for no reason. They make good TV programmes out of that business too. Matt
Handy Tip of the Week With the current political climate hanging in Cardiff's student areas I can't help but notice a few things that may or not interest you. Frankly, I'm writing, you're reading, so we can both be bored if you like. I'm fucking bored of you lazy shits not bothering to have a laugh at the expense of your stupid bastard housemates though, so sort that one out chaps. Anyway (insert witty comment about elections), I shall continue my tirade of absolutely inconsequential white letters. Big events happen consistently. Obviously, of course, but then do people consider the work that goes into these events? You know - the PR people wired off their tits trying to establish a bit of advertising, the organisers frantically doing something to entice the apathetic, or just the general finance involved in the simple distribution of words. It's all very well if the event (be it a gig, a club night or maybe the launch of a new embroidered tampon range - how great would that be, you could soundproof your bedroom with fluffy tampons) is big enough in it's own right (see: Come Play), but what of the smaller venues, the smaller shops, the smaller clubs? Flyering, then, becomes the viable option. Pay a person to give paper out for a few hours - easy (ish, I suppose it's quite hard at times). Seems somewhat trite to think of really. Only what I notice is the selective process involved, the rejection of some, the inclusion of others. It's alright for the pierced to invite the pierced, or the sporty to invite the sporty. Which pisses me off. So stop it, flyer people. As commendable a job you do, try to involve the whole demographic of people. If you're going to be selective about the clientele you wish to appeal to, at least make the game a little less obvious - people aren't so oblivious.
The lovely Lewis returns this week. As for the rest of you, well, you know. I give up. If you REALLY hate someone then show it. Show it with an extensive email of 100-200 words. Matt Hill
Lewarse Lane’s Fantastic Photo Casebook
02920223993 for the Nightline you CAN trust
"TONIGHT MATTHEW, I M GOING TO BE "
[Back at the Niteline house] "Here lads, listen to this krazy mofo. She thinks she has Hitler on her stairs!!"
"Enschuldegung Fraulein " "Look, I have to go!"
Here s me doing my muthafuckin Teresa routine and all I get are these pisstakers. W ankers!"
“
Matt Kay should look at himself before blaming others Rowing Success
”
Mike Rabjohns, March 2004 W omen’s rugby row
Issue 758 8 March2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk W ebsite: www.gairrhydd.net
Back Page
page 31
Frances Williams - Sportfolio page 31
IMG results. Below
Page 29
IMG ROUND-UP FOOTBALL RESULTS NETBALL IMG
Pos
Premiership
P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
3
1
1
5
10
2 Mathletico Mad.
5 4
3
0
1
8
3 Law A
4
3
0
1
5
9 9
4 FC Real
5
2
1
2
3
7
5 Afro Carribean
1
2
1
-1
5
6 Carbs A
4 5
1
2
2
-2
5
7 Gym Gym
4
1
1
2
-2
8 Earth Soc
5
0
1
4
-11
4 1
1 Momed
I MG Pos
Division 1 P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
1 Economics
5
4
1
0
8
13
2 Christian Union
5
4
0
1
11
12
3 Jomec
5
2
2
1
5
8
4 Chemsoc
5
2
1
2
-4
7
5 Lokomotiv Engin
4
1
2
1
2
5
6 Irish FC
4
1
0
3
-5
3
7 Accountancy
5
1
0
4
--8
3
8 John Jenkins
3
0
0
3
-9
0
I MG Pos
Division 2 P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
1 Account. Stanley
5
4
0
1
3
12
2 The George
4
3
0
1
10
9
3 Uni Hallstars
4
3
0
1
5
9
4 AFC History
4
2
1
1
4
7
5 Law B
4
1
1
2
-2
4
6 Myg Myg
4
1
1
2
-3
4
7 Bute Park Utd
4
1
0
3
-5
3
8 Athletico Roy
5
0
1
4
-9
1
I MG Pos
Division 3 P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
1 Optometry
5
3
1
1
12
10
2 Pharm AC
5
3
1
1
11
10
3 Cathays FC
4
3
1
0
6
10
4 Carbs B
5
3
0
2
6
5 Planderlecht
5
2
1
2
-2
9 7
6 Japsoc
5
1
1
3
4
4
7 English Soc
5
1
0
4
-21
3
8 Xpresston NE
4
0
1
3
-7
1
Netball Results 03/03/04 Premier CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'B' 4 - 9 LAW 'A' ECONOMICS 8 - 17 CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'A' COMSOC 5 - 18 PHARMACY 'A' PSYCHOLOGY 9 - 15 LAW 'B' First CARDIFF UNIVERSITY 'C' 1 - 19 CARBS 'A' CHEMSOC 13 - 15 CARBS 'B' CPLAN 4 - 11 THE MARINES GYM GYM 15 - 0 - DEFAULT WIN MEDICS Second SOCSI 3 - 9 CHRISTIAN UNION ENGLISH SOC. 11 - 5 XPRESS RADIO PHARMACY 'B' 13 - 9 OPTOMETRY 'A' SAWSA 4 - 6 OPTOMETRY 'B' Football Results 03/03/04 Premier MOMED 3 - 5 MATHLETICO MADRID GYM GYM 2 - 2 CARBS 'A' LAW 'A' 5 - 0 - DEFAULT WIN EARTH SOC. AFRO CARRIBEAN SOC. 4 - 4 FC REAL First LOKOMOTIV ENGIN 4 - 1 ACCOUNTANCY CHEMSOC 0 - 6 CHRISTIAN UNION JJFC ? - ? IRISH FC ECONOMICS 4 - 1 JOMEC Second THE GEORGE FC 0 - 1 LAW 'B' UNI HALLSTARS 4 - 1 ATHLETICO ROY BUTE PARK UTD FC 3 - 5 AFC HISTORY MYG MYG 1 - 2 ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY Third JAPSOC 2 - 3 CATHAYS FC ENGLISH SOC. 0 - 4 PHARM AC PLANDERLECHT 3 - 3 XPRESSTON NORTHEND OPTOMETRY 2 - 1 CARBS 'B'
Football Fixtures AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. v MOMED CARBS 'A' v MATHLETICO MADRID GYM GYM v EARTH SOC. LAW 'A' v FC REAL JOHN JENKINS FC v ECONOMICS CHEMSOC v ACCOUNTANCY LOKOMOTIV ENGIN v IRISH FC CHRISTIAN UNION v JOMEC
BUTE PARK UTD FC v MYG MYG ATHLETICO ROY v LAW 'B' THE GEORGE FC v AFC HISTORY UNI HALLSTARS v ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY PLANDERLECHT v OPTOMETRY PHARM AC v CATHAYS FC JAPSOC v XPRESSTON NORTHEND
IMG
By Beca Murphy IMG Chair
Premiership
Pos
P
W
D
L
GD
6
0
0
42
18
2 Cardiff Uni B
6 5
3
1
1
18
3 Cardiff Uni A
5
3
0
2
21
10 9
4 Law A
5
3
0
2
1
9
5 Psychology 6 Law B
6 5
1 1
2 1
3 3
-8 -7
5 4
7 Economics 8 Comsoc
5 5
1 0
0 2
4 3
-17 -32
3 2
P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
1 Carbs A
5
5
0
0
43
15
2 Carbs B
6
5
0
1
35
15
3 Gym Gym
5
3
0
2
20
9
4 The Marines
5
3
0
2
-1
9
5 Cardiff Uni C
6
3
0
3
-4
9
6 Chemsoc
5
2
0
3
17
6
7 Medics
6
1
0
5
-35
3
8 CPlan
6
1
0
5
-61
3
1 Pharmacy A
I MG
Pts
Division 1
Pos
I MG
Division 2
Pos
P
W
D
L
GD
Pts
1 Socsi
6
5
0
1
19
15
2 Optometry A
6
4
0
2
26
12
3 Christian Union
6
4
0
2
11
12
4 Pharmacy B
6
4
0
2
11
12
5 Optometry B
5
3
0
2
1
9
6 English Soc
6
2
1
3
3
7
7 Sawsa
6
0
1
5
-23
1
8 Xpress Radio
5
0
0
5
-56
0
ENGLISH SOC. v CARBS 'B' Netball Fixtures XPRESS RADI v SAWSA SOPHIA GARDENS 2:00pm PSYCHOLOGY v ECONOMICS SOPHIA GARDENS 2:30pm SOCSI v OPT. 'A' SOPHIA GARDENS 3:00pm OPT. 'B' v ENGLISH SOC.
SOPHIA GARDENS 3:30pm CARBS 'A' v CARBS 'B' TALYBONT 1:30pm MARINES v MEDICS TALYBONT 2:00pm GYM GYM v CPLAN TALYBONT 2:30pm LAW 'A' v COMSOC TALYBONT 3:00pm C.U. 'C' v CHEMSOC
TALYBONT 3:30pm C.U. 'A' v LAW 'B' TALYBONT 4:00pm PHARMACY 'B' v CHRISTIAN UNION TALYBONT 4:30pm PHARMACY 'A' v C.U. 'B' TALYBONT 5:00pm
IMG FEATURED MATCH: Momed 3 - 5 Mathletico Madrid By Thom Airs Momed 3 - 5 Matletico Madrid Entertainment value: 8/10 Mathletico Madrid: Chris Cowards 8, Alex Ploughman 7, Steve Butcher 8, James Tokley 7, Ben Field 7, Daniel Cox 6, Ashley Brian 8, Josh Minigowah 8, Ryan Morris 9, Ian Russel 9, Mark Moroney 8 Momed: Steve Gree 6, Owen Williams 7, Tim 6, Chris Brown 7, Ian Jack 7, Matt Johnson 6, Matt Britton 8, Adam Lewis 7, Tom Stevens 9, Steve Crower 8, Owain Adams 7 Star Man: Ryan Morris : Tormented the Momed defence in the 2nd half
MOMED’S UNBEATEN IMG record came to end as they fell at the feet of title rivals Mathletico Madrid. In an entertaining game the two teams at the pinnacle of the Pontcanna rankings managed to display some fine passing football. With a local amateur referee, a crowd swelled by members of other interested teams and even nets hanging from the posts, this promised to be a great contest. And so it proved with tough tackling and eight goals, including three in five second half minutes. Mathletico started energetically and had a claim for handball in the area turned down before Momed, with their first real attack, took the lead as Matt
Britton headed home from a corner. However, after Ian Russell’s excellent curling equaliser Maths took control of the game. Ashley Brian slammed a 20-yard strike against the Momed bar before Josh Minigowah coolly placed the mathematicians into the lead with a goal from inside the penalty area. Early in the second half captain Mark Moroney gave his team a two goal cushion as he stabbed home from a dangerous corner. This goal sent the match into a frenetic five minute period that saw both sides finding the back of the net. Firstly, Adams reduced the deficit for Momed, then Maths benefited from an own-goal after Ryan Morris’s fan-
tastic run down the right flank. Finally, on 68 minutes, Momed continued their fight-back with an Adam Lewis goal from a well-worked throw-in. The game settled down somewhat after that, despite Momed’s attempts to equalise. With only minutes remaining, Madrid sealed their deserved victory as Russell capitalised on some hesitant goalkeeping to fire home from the edge of the penalty area. Momed’s dominance of the IMG has now been severely shaken by the comparative upstarts from the Maths department. But there is still some way to go, as Moroney acknowledges, "The title is still a three horse race. "
THE END is nigh… I can see a light at the end of the IMG tunnel! With only one netball fixture left and two football, anything is possible! (well, maybe.) Gym Gym netball team spent their match (plus a few more hours) in the pub, and won 15–0 against the Medics who didn’t turn up. Carbs ‘A’ won their match with an outstanding 19–1 win against Cardiff Uni ‘C’, while their ‘B’ team just about managed to win their game against Chemsoc 15–13. Marines won their match once again against Cplan. Marines captain Holly Foreman seemed fairly happy with the win, "Woo-hoo." Christian Union won their match 9-3 against Socsi and once again Pharmacy ‘A’ won with a marvellous 18 – 5 defeat of Comsoc! Amidst all the trials and tribulations of football referees, some shock results occurred over at Pontcanna. Jomec lost against Economics, whose keeper Ben Smith pulled off a string of magnificent saves. Christian Union apparently played a quality possession game against Chemsoc and won by 6-0. Japsoc just lost out by a goal against Cathays FC, who won the match 3 – 2. Momed lost their match against Mathletico Madrid 3 -5. Law ‘A’ won their match by default against Earth Soc. Xpresston drew against Planderlecht, while Gym Gym and Carbs ‘A’ also drew. AFC History managed another win this week against Bute Park Utd. Plans for the IMG Awards evening have started, and the nomination forms are available form the AU. They are to be returned by Friday March 12th at 4:00pm. Check the website to find out when tickets will be available.
IMG RUGBY FOR THE first time in the history of the IMG, the rugby league finished with SAWSA and Carbs A tied at the top. As a result, a play-off between the two teams was scheduled to decide the outcome of the league. Carbs A struck first, moving ahead 3-0 thanks to a penalty. The SAWSA pack asserted their authority on the game, and after a driving maul from a lineout, second row James Bastable crashed over 5-3. Carbs responded and raised their game to race into a 13-5 lead through a converted try and a penalty. With half time approaching, a superb individual try from Andy Bartlett brought SAWSA back into the game, with the conversion leaving the half-time score at Carbs A 13, SAWSA 12. The second half was a tense affair, and despite a miss, fly half Gareth Roach held his nerve to slot a penalty and give SAWSA a 15-13 victory. A superb forward performance and determined offence from the backs saw SAWSA hang on to claim the IMG title.
Sport
March 8 2004
Page 30
grsport@cf.ac.uk
Greece fuels Cooke’s ambitions EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
By David Williams Sports Editor CURRENT SPORTS Personality and world champion cyclist Nicole Cooke is relishing the chance to compete at her first Olympic Games in Athens. Cooke, from Wick near Cardiff, despite being only 20 years old, has become one of the world’s top riders. After numerous Junior, British and, in 2001, world time trial, road race and mountain bike titles, Cooke, who cycles for the Accadue O club in Italy, has her sights firmly set on the showpiece event in Athens later this year. "I have always dreamed of going to the Olympics, but never really thought about what it will actually be like," admits Cooke. "The Commonwealth Games was a big event, and probably good preparation for what to expect at the Olympics. "I will be there to concentrate on my two events, but then I really want to be able to enjoy everything that makes the Olympics the biggest sporting event on earth." And Cooke, who was considered to be too young four years ago, despite
beating the main contenders in the run up to Sydney, is confident that she can claim a medal. "I’ve got a fantastic opportunity to win a medal in the Road Race, and possibly the Time Trial," said the current world bronze medallist. "I’m going to focus my whole year on the Olympics but there is so much that can go on between now and then. "Even during the race, a crash or a puncture could ruin my chances so nothing is ever certain until we have crossed the finish line. "No matter what, I will give 100%." With the stature of football and rugby in Wales overshadowing a number of less mainstream sports, the 2003 World Championship Series winner felt that, when she was announced as one of the contenders for the Welsh Sports Personality for last year, she would be there just to make up the numbers. However, the Welsh public’s votes gave recognition to Nicole, who had also claimed second prize in 2002, after a year where she did everything apart from sneak a gold at the world
championships, instead settling for third place in the Road Race. "Winning the Welsh Sports Personality was a fantastic end to a really incredible year for me," claimed the Cardiff Ajax club rider. "What I achieved in 2003 was beyond anything I could have imagined, but to get the recognition of the Welsh public was really unbelievable. "When the sports pages of newspapers and television coverage concentrate on so many other sports, almost ignoring cycling, I wasn’t hopeful. "To be announced the winner, ahead of players of mainstream sports that have been at the top of their own sports, was truly amazing. "Perhaps the fact that I do an individual sport made more of an impact." Following her burst onto the world scene at the age of 16, the rider was soon catching the attention of the top clubs on the continent, most notably in Italy, where cycling is worshipped, by some, almost to the same extent as football. Joining the Deia Pragma Colnago set up in her first year as a pro, allowed Cooke to make an impression on the cycling world. And, just as she imagined in her younger days, the Italian lifestyle was something the Welsh woman settled into straight away. "I wasn’t apprehensive or worried
World champ Nicole Cooke at all," said the 2001 Road Race world champ. "Since I was about 12 years old I had looked forward to living and racing in a country where cycling is a major sport, and our races get the publicity and coverage to a wide audience. "I learnt some Italian before I left so I was prepared as best as I could be, and luckily I ended up sharing with some really great people who helped me settle in." Despite being such a high achiever
so early in her career, Nicole is still motivated to go on to bigger and better things. "I still feel there is a long way to go. "I have to put right my bronze medal of last year’s world championships and there are other targets such as the Tour de Feminine. "I would also like, possibly, to run my own team based at the heart of women’s cycling and help young British girls to give them every chance of success."
Cardiff bring end to Imperial power Judo Jodi gives the AFTER A 16-4 demolition of Imperial College, Cardiff’s mixed lacrosse team are through to the BUSA semi-finals. Continuing the club’s record of losing only one match this year, the side produced a flawless display to dominate their opponents. The ladies team also has a West Area’s lacrosse tournament trophy in
their cabinet, and has seven Welsh Universities players who won the national championship in their ranks. Led by Aneeka Jaywarden, the ladies lacrosse team is one of the hottest prospects for Cardiff’s future in more ways than one. With Annie Masters in goal, nothing Imperial could break the Cardiff defence.
rest a black belt day
Neat passing and solid stick checking from Welsh star Rosie Poynor, enabled the rest of the team to create all kinds of problems for their Student claims medals opponents. Finally, clinical finishing from Welsh internationals Georgie Reames, By Laura Chamberlain and George and Issie Try, confirmed victory and a place in the BUSA JODI PARSONS was the star of the Shield semi-finals. show after competing in the Gower Youth Judo championships. She achieved a silver medal in the Senior Open category, for over-16s, and also won the bronze medal in the Youth Open, ironically beating the winner, who stole the gold away from her in the Senior event. Bursary beneficiary Jodi, 18, who attained her black belt two years ago, has represented the country at the highest junior levels. Since joining the British squad at the age of 13 she has toured internationally with the British schools and was in contention for the Cadet European championships. In January this year she won gold in the Salisbury Senior Open c h a m p i onships, which adds to the gold medal she achieved in the South of E n g l a n d Senior open last year. The bursary scheme has also helped Jodi, a first year Biology student, immensely. Training without financial difficulties and being able to buy new suits, equip-
in martial arts success ment and pay for training has benefited her over recent months. She has also taken the advantage of seeing a dietician with the hope that she can drop a weight class for upcoming events. Hopefully Jodi can continue her success with her upcoming events. She will be participating in the Ipswich Senior Open followed by the BUSA trials taking place on the 20th and 21st March. Unable to enter the team event due to the lack of a Cardiff judo team, Jodi will be competing in the dan grade, the highest grade for black belts in the under 70kg category.
gair rhydd
BEN WRIGHT
COOKING UP A TREAT
This week Ben tries to swap shirts with the ladies football team
gr sport meet Welsh cyclist Nicole Cooke See page 30
See page 31
I.M.GLEE BROWN BITES BACK By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor ATHLETICS UNION President Tom Brown has hit back at allegations of “sexism” made by the Ladies’ Rugby Team. The rugby team had campaigned for their Varsity Shield fixture against Swansea University to played at Bridgend RFC’s Brewery Field ground alongside the men’s event, but were incensed when the appeal was turned down. In a statement the rugby team complained that they were victims of "borderline sexist beliefs that rugby is the pursuit of men". But speaking to gair rhydd this week Brown defended his decision. "Bridgend were very generous to allow us the use of their facilities, and to consider having a second game there would not have been practical for cost reasons. "Men’s rugby is the main event. It has a nine-year history while the shield is only in its third year."
Maths delighted as title goes to the wire By Thom Airs Deputy Sports Editor Momed’s season-long unbeaten run in IMG football came to an abrupt end last Wednesday as their opponents, Mathletico Madrid, blew the title race wide open. Momed still top the Premiership table but Maths and Law ‘A’ are lurking just a point behind. The league leaders could have effectively sewn-up the Championship, had the beaten the mathematicians, but they will now be looking over their shoulders as Law’s default 5-0 victory over
Earth Soc has really kept the division alive. To add further spice, both chasing teams have a game in hand. In the First Division, Economics and Christian Union are the two teams leading the battle for the title while down in Division Three there is a four-way fight for supremacy. Cathays FC, Pharmacy, Optometry and Carbs ‘B’ are all in with a shout of walking away as victors. All four leagues are far from over so the muddy pitches of Pontcanna are all set to be turned into gladiatorial arenas in the coming weeks as teams aim to finish the season on a high.
Maths 5 - 3 Momed
RIGHT PRESCRIPTION
Full match report Page 33
PHARMACY HAVE cemented their place in IMG netball history after cruising to their first ever title victory. The pharmacists crushed Comsoc 18-5 to win the championship with a game to spare after close rivals Cardiff Uni B were beaten by Law A. Tina Birkby’s superb form yielded another 12 points, which addded to Nia Jones’ six goals ensured the title would be heading to Redwood building for the next year.
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