gair rhydd - Issue 749

INSIDE

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

For one week only, gair rhydd treats you to a free Telegraph magazine!

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

GR Sport

gair

ISSUE 749. November 10

FREE

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

We report on the thirds’ stunning win against Aberystwyth, the announcement of this year’s sports bursary winners and question the role of women in sport p 29 - 32

SLEEPING Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

TWO UNLOCKED doors were the perfect invitation for robbers preying on Miskin Street last week.

A car and several electrical items were stolen from a student property after opportunist criminals strolled in off the street.

The incident occurred in the early hours of Tuesday morning, while the occupants were asleep.

One housemate went out and forgot his key so the doors were left unlocked ready for his return.

Despite a burglar alarm, no-one heard the intruders enter.

A DVD player and two games consoles were stolen. The stickyfingered criminals also helped themselves to two copies of Playboy magazine.

But the main victim of the incident was a friend of the students, who had left his car outside the house.

On spotting the keys in the living room, the thieves stole the VW Polo, which has yet to be recovered.

BOOTY

Window offers temptation

Doors left open overnight

Story continued on Page 2

Burglar alarm of little use

Cathays students pay heavy price for leaving doors open

News

Page 2

November 10 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Editorial Cobley Politics Letters Listings Media Jobs & Money Taf Od Competitions TV Listings Five Minute Fun Sport

1 6 7 8 9 10 13 15 16 17 19 27 29

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams GET THERE Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop, TV Amy, TV Steve LETTERS & CROSSWORD James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York FIVE MINUTE FUN Janine Jones PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Sayan Chakraborty, Gemma Long

CONTRIBUTORS Stephen Fishbourne, Andrew Cullen, Alison White, Claire Woods, Mark Jenkins, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Polly March, Emily Knightley, Iwan Horan, Charlie Beale, Rebecca Sully, Will Talmage, Kirsty Monaghan, Chris Senior, Fariba Dashtgard, Suzy Slater, Gemma Griffiths, Katy Starke, Finnbar Graham, Becca Murphy, Ben Wright, Catherine Gee, John Stanton, John Tuscany, Tom Brown, Jo Roberts, Hywel Bevan, Thom Airs

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

GLOBAL VILLAGE

By Katy Starke Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Students’ Union is preparing to host an international student extravaganza on Sunday November 16.

Global Village, now in its fourth year, will offer up to 1,000 students the chance to taste foods from around the world while they enjoy an evening of dance, music and fashion.

The event is organised by the Union and the student society AIESEC, and organisers predict a sell-out as seen in previous years.

At £5 per head, tickets offer food and drink tasting and entertainment.

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer, Natasha Hettihewa, said, "Global Village is the biggest cultural event we hold. It is a chance for people from different cultural backgrounds to come together and experience other cultures.

"An event like this is especially

important for somewhere like Cardiff which has such a diverse mix of cultures."

The night will feature a fashion show, a dance competition to be judged by the audience and fusion music from Xpress Radio DJs. Organisers are in no doubt about the highlight of the evening.

Natasha explained, "The food is usually the biggest pull for people.

Judging by last year it will be amazing with around forty stalls handled by different cultural groups, each serving food representative of where they come from."

Global Village attenders will also be happy to know that money raised by the event will go to a charity selected on the night.

Visitors will be asked to choose between four charities put forward by organisers or suggest a charity of their choice.

The event will run from 7pm and 10.30pm in the Great Hall. Tickets are on sale now at the Union box office.

Ethnic minorities rejected by top universities

By Peter Bramwell News Editor BRITAIN’S TOP universities are denying access to Ethnic Minorities, a leading race-relations official revealed last week.

Although ethnic minorities are over-represented in higher education, they are still thin on the ground in older universities, says Trevor Phillips, Chair of the Commission for Racial Equality.

Because numbers of overseas students are not counted separately from British ethnic minorities, it is uncer-

Robbery One resident, 3rd year Psychology student Tom Dawes, told gair rhydd, "I came downstairs in the morning because the house was freezing.

When I saw the two front doors open I just assumed someone was outside getting something from their car."

On discovering the street empty, he ventured inside the house to find the living room stripped of all electrical items.

The episode has left one female housemate particularly shaken. With a ground floor bedroom, police believe it is highly likely that the burglars entered her room first - while she was asleep - before moving on to the living room.

Tom admitted, "It’s our fault because we left the door unlocked, but still a complete shock because you don’t expect it to happen to you.

We’re really pissed off at ourselves.

"This used to be a relaxed house but that’s all changed now. We’ve been told by the police that it’s not

tain how many minority students from British Schools find their way into our top universities.

The official proportion is 14 per cent, but while financially valuable foreign students account for one-fifth of those trying to enter the British higher education system, it is likely that only a few per cent of minority students do reach the top establishments.

The picture is reversed in the UK’s newer institutions. More than 21 per cent of their population are ethnic minority students. Even allowing for

from front page unusual for thieves to go from door to door and trying to push them open.

"Because we were asleep we’ve got no idea how long the doors were open for - someone else could have wandered in for all we know.

“At least the police got a good set of fingerprints from the culprits.”

PC Kevin Jones of Cathays Police urged students to use their common sense in preventing crime, saying, "The vast majority of cases we see could be avoided. It’s always the same thing - bikes left unlocked and doors left open. In these situations students are asking to be victims of crime."

It seems multi-occupancy properties are more likely to fall victim to burglary because no-one takes charge of security.

Tom added, "It’s a shame because we know so many nice people down this street - I wouldn’t expect such a high level of crime."

the presence of overseas students, this is where the bulk of minority students are to be found. This inequality, found right across the spectrum of higher education, is wrong says Phillips, former President of NUS. "All universities may believe that their systems are fair and based on individual merit; but, frankly, intentions matter very little here – what counts is the outcome. And it’s time to change the outcome."

Ethnic minorities account for about 12.1 per cent of British 16 to 24 year olds, but this figure rises to 15.6

in higher education. Trevor cites the reason for this is education being the only route to social mobility.

While some groups of ethnic minorities are very successful at GCSE – the offspring of Indian and Chinese families are outperforming the average white student by 25 per cent and 50 per cent respectively – others are failing.

Children of Pakistani, Bangladeshi and Afro-Caribbean heritage are all under performing at secondary schools across the UK.

XMAS BALL LINE-UP

By Finnbar Graham CUSU President

TIM WESTWOOD, Judge Jules, Lisa Mafia and former Cardiff student and current Cream star Gareth Wyn are all set to kick off the Christmas festivities in the Union on December 11.

Following the Freshers’ Ball fiasco - where many students were unable to see chart-topping act Girls Aloud- the union has taken comments received on board for this winter wonderland.

Headline acts have been evenly dispersed throughout the venue this time. Judge Jules and Gareth Wyn will set the crowd alight in Solus nightclub, while Tim Westwood and Lisa Mafia will be downstairs in the Great Hall.

And an old favourite and Porn

Idol’s predecessor - Disco Stu - is set to make a much awaited comeback.

TIM WESTWOOD A special guest appearance is also on the cards, according to Finance and Commercial Services officer Mike Rabjohns. At the time of going to press his identity had not been revealed, but Mike assured gair rhydd that we will all recognise him.

Tickets are £12.50 and available from the box office early this week. The first 100 tickets will be buy one get one free.

News

November 10 2003

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

UNION FRESH OUT OF VODKA BY WEEK SIX

By Mark Jenkins Reporter SINCE THE start of this term the union has sold a record volume of alcohol.

From the 15 palettes of Smirnoff vodka purchased 194,400 shots have been sold. One palette contains enough of the Russian spirit for 29,160 shots, giving a total of 437,400 shots in the delivery. The consignment was intended to last until the beginning of the third term.

This means that by only the sixth week of the semester almost 50 per cent of the year’s quota has already been drunk Carling has also proved popular, with eight and a half pints being sold every second during Freshers’ Week.

125,750 pints of the beer have been pulled so far, making up almost half of the 260,947 pints sold since the start of the academic year. 35,000 bottles of Java have also been drunk.

Keith Owen, Bars manager said, "It was one of the busiest Freshers’ Weeks we’ve had."

He also estimates that 69,840 halves of soft drinks have been consumed, along with 3,200 bottles of water and 12,600 packets of crisps.

With the semester now well under way, the new mix of nights is proving very popular. ‘Come Play’ and ‘Lash’ regularly sell out. New Year’s Eve will be ‘Come Play’, and there are also plans to repeat the highly

successful ‘Bar FTSE’ event. This involves drink prices rising and falling depending on a virtual stockmarket. Every so often the ‘market’ crashes’, and prices drop dramatically.

The Bars department, responsible for the venues in the Union, surveyed prices around Cardiff following recent complaints from students over drink prices. They found that the Union is the cheapest according to the standard of alcohol served. For example, the shots of double vodka served in some local pubs for £1 is of much lower quality than the Smirnoff sold in the Union.

Mr Owen defended the pricing.

"Union prices are realistic. You can’t go to a club on a Friday night and get a bottle of Reef for £1.50. We’re giving something back to students." He added that an average night out at the Union costs just £8, excluding tickets and cloakroom charges.

Bars is now looking to introduce Brains Smooth into the Union.

Students can vote for or against this at www.cardiffstudents.com.

Mr Owen commented, "We believe Brains Smooth should be installed, maybe alongside Worthy."

Bars is also looking for someone to maintain the department’s website.

Anyone interested should familiarise themselves with it at cardiffstudents.com, then call in at the Bars office on the second floor of the Union.

KEITH OWEN: The man behind those bar promotions

8.5 pints sold every second during Freshers’ week

Cardiff makes(from£140m On the box? us students!)

By Gemma Griffiths Reporter

By Suzi Slater Reporter STUDENTS BRING revenue of a staggering £140m a year to Cardiff.

But according to a report commissioned by the council’s economic scrutiny committee, Cardiff students cost taxpayers just £4.6m a year.

The report presents the issues that construct a love-hate relationship between the student population and

“The city benefits overall, especially as so many graduates stay here” Chairman Ralph Cook

the city.

This comes after a recent survey by the South Wales Echo found that 83% of residents disliked having students in the city.

The report was carried out by Cardiff Research Centre over the last two years, and is the first of its kind in Britain to concentrate on the issues that emerge from Cardiff’s high student population.

South Wales does benefit from the 5,000 jobs provided by the colleges and universities in Cardiff, and the expenditure of £140,782,000 by the student population cannot be overlooked.

But on the negative side, the council is said to miss out on £2.4m in business rates as Higher Institutions are entitled to an 80 per cent discount.

And street cleaning in student areas alone costs them £300,000 extra a month, for the ten months of the year

that students live in the city.

Committee Chairman Ralph Cook said, "I think that the city benefits overall, especially as so many graduates stay here."

Yet Mr Cook also points out that "there are many that feel students should pay council tax". The report backs this argument, claiming the exclusion loses them £1.9m a year.

Further criticisms of the student population concern their impact upon the communities they are emerged in for most of the year, in student areas such as Cathays and Riverside.

Mr Cook continued, "many have concerns that some communities are in decline and school rolls are failing as a result of such a high student population”.

Many would argue that the student population play a key role in the city’s vibrancy and colour, which should outweigh any drawbacks.

IT’S NOT every day you get to be on UK Gold dressed up in tinsel and a Santa hat.

But UK TV gave Cardiff shoppers the chance last Tuesday when a portable TV studio resembling Santa’s grotto was set up for members of the public to send a personal Christmas message to their loved ones.

The messages will appear as short video clips televised between programmes over the festive season.

Fronted by Sarah Manners - bombshell receptionist from Casualty and FHM model - the TV company attracted those away from their loved ones this Christmas.

Sarah explained, "There are lots of people who live or work away from home, including students. Cards and letters are one thing, but giving a message on the box – you can’t get better than that, can you?"

BLONDE BOMBSHELL: Sarah Manners Among the messages recorded was one from a Cardiff University netball team, so be sure to look out for your mates on the box over the holidays.

News

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November 10 2003

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

A-level turnaround on the cards

By Claire Woods Reporter UNIVERSITY TERMS may start in January instead of September if new proposals for a post-qualification application process are successful.

Universities UK (UUK) have advocated proposals for the PQA system and some universities are supporting this action which would lead to students applying for higher education after getting A-level grades.

UUK agree with the post qualification applications but not necessary for a January University term start.

They said ‘accommodating PQA via a change to the date of entry for higher education, such as January would not be acceptable for most Higher Education Institutes’.

The proposal has fuelled the continuing debate about getting young people into higher education from lower economic backgrounds.

The UUK added ‘This could be detrimental in terms of widening participation. A January start could affect those students who have no financial support covering the period from the summer when examinations end until January and have negative consequences for attracting students from lower socio-economic groups’.

Further, an increased number in would-be students are likely to dropout before the long awaited term begins.

UUK also add ‘For PQA to be accepted by all education stakeholders it must be compatible with both the university and school year, and the timing of national examinations’.

Cardiff University said, “This has not been proposed to universities. If, at any time, it becomes a consultative proposal, rather than just a suggestion, it would be considered by the relevant University committees and other interested parties. Until such a time it is not possible to give a University position on the matter.”

Alison White, a third year English student said, “a January start would give prospective students valuable time to save money or go travelling but it might be tempting to opt-out of higher education”.

Mike Tomlinson, former chief school inspector, put forward the proposal earlier this year, in order to reform the education system for 14-19 year olds.

General secretary of the Secondary Heads Association said “we should look to extend the length of time between A-Level results and the start of the university year by starting exams a little earlier and starting the university year a little later”.

FAIRTRADE CAMPAIGN

New drive urges equality in trading

By Chris Senior Reporter THE PLIGHT of millions of people in developing countries who rely on income from international trade is being highlighted by a Cardiff society.

People and Planet society are running a campaign, the main focus of which is to raise awareness among students and pressure the University into implementing more fair trade policies and products.

The absence of a level playing field for Third World traders within the world economy, largely due to the massive buying powers of multinational corporations, continues to undermine the notion of ‘free trade’.

Farmers in Third World countries are forced to sell their produce for a meagre profit, while their own domestic markets are flooded with cheap goods from heavily subsidised farms in Europe and the US.

The consequence is that many are condemned to a life below the poverty line, struggling to feed and educate their families.

An over reliance on income from multinationals also means that as the rights of many workers are exploited or simply ignored, millions are forced to work up to fourteen hour shifts, for as little as $1 a day.

The Fairtrade campaign is an attempt to redress the balance.

Oxfam are calling on governments and corporations to change the rules of world trade, so that agricultural workers in the poorer countries of the world have a chance to work their way out of poverty.

A guide to many of the issues involved and the aims of the Fairtrade campaign can be found at www.maketradefair.com. You can also sign the ‘Big Noise’ petition in support of fair trade.

People and Planet society’s campaign will involve a stall on Tuesday November 11, on the second floor of

JAMELIA SET TO TURN CARDIFF ON

By Fariba Dashtgard Reporter CHART TOPPING diva Jamelia will perform a free concert to launch this year’s Christmas lights festival in Churchill Way. Marking the six-week countdown to Christmas, Jamelia will be singing singles such as ‘Bout’, ‘Money’ and most notably, ‘Superstar’ for fans on Thursday November 14.

The annual event, supported by City Centre Management and Red Dragon FM, will be hosted by Breakfast show presenters Jase and Zoe followed by live music by street acts from 5pm.

This year’s big name presenter is clearly an accomplishment for the Cardiff Council who last year hosted

singer Darius as the celebrity guest.

Eirwen Parker, Marketing Controller at Red Dragon said, "Jamelia is a really happening name, and this promises to be a great free event".

FAIRTRADE BANANAS: give farmers a better deal the Union from 10am till 5pm.

There you will be able to find out more about fair trade issues, ask questions and sample some fair trade products.

In the meantime, People and Planets urge students to look for the

Fairtrade label on a range of products.

A selection is currently available in the Union shop, as well as at Oxfam on St Mary’s street, Fair Do’s at 10 Llandaff Road in Canton, or at any Co-op store.

IMG violence escalates

By Andrew Cullen Reporter IMG FOOTBALL is in danger of falling into disrepute after an increase in injuries and on-pitch scuffles.

The League is well known for competitiveness, but recently has seen this spirit spill over into violent incidents.

As teams jostle for their positions in the divisions, decided after Christmas, many of the close games have been unable to escape some sort of brawl.

Last week violence marred a 3-3 draw between Real FC and Carbs A and this week the scene was repeated at the 4-4 draw between Earth Soc and Economics in an incident which involved spectators as well as players.

John Jenkins FC know only too well the nasty side of IMG, losing two players in two weeks through broken legs.

The second incident left a player with a

compound fracture, keeping him in hospital for a week.

Johnny Crockerton, captain of John Jenkins FC and a second year in Accounting and Management voiced his concern saying, "If it was up to us we would have called the game off last week due to the state of the pitch." An impartial referee could have calmed the game down…an injury was inevitable."

Unlike IMG rugby football has no hired referees and is often refereed by substitutes of the teams playing. It is rare for players to be sent off and there is no come back for those that persistently misbehave or teams that indulge in violent conduct.

IMG Chair Beca Murphy responded to the recent spates of aggression, "It’s an inter-departmental league set up to provide our students with something extra curricular to do. It’s meant to be a ‘fun’ league!"

BOGUS DEGREES

By Alison White Reporter COUNTERFEIT DEGREES are being sold by dubious overseas companies that require no study or attendance.

So-called "non-traditional" degrees do not require the threeyear study or the thousands of pounds invested by UK students.

Literature provided by Trinity College and University states, ‘We provide a unique service by helping people who have not had the advantage of a college education by converting all your prior learning, academic and qualified experience into a non- traditional degree’.

All that is required to take part is sending a form indicating the desired class of degree and the relevant fee. Added potential confusion comes from the businesses’ paraphrased names of UK institutions, such as ‘Cambridge Shire University’ and ‘Trinity & All Saints International University’. Trinity college and university charge £125 for a Bachelor, £150 to upgrade to honours, £195 for a masters and £295 for a doctorate.

Trinity & All Saints International University ask for evidence of the applicant’s experience, but also states Doctorates are often awarded in only 28 days.

The Guardian revealed the worthlessness of such qualifications "which are not accredited here and will not be recognised

by British universities or employers". The Department of Education issued a ‘bogus degree warning’ that states, "It is not an offence for overseas organisations to offer degrees accredited from overseas".

However, "the UK authorities are unable to vouch for the quality of these qualifications".

Nigel Thomas from Cardiff Careers service said "However, most employers look for qualifications from a recognised higher education institution and if in doubt, they tend to check. Even if they are invited for a job interview they will need to demonstrate the knowledge and skills that could be gained from studying or researching this subject".

WANT TO WRITE? - Disgruntled with your course?

- Problems in your society?

- Rented house falling down around you?

NEWS MEETINGS ON MONDAY AT 1.15pm ON 4th FLOOR OF UNION

News

November 10 2003

Page 5

grnews@cf.ac.uk

WATCH YOUR BUTT

Bins shunned

By Rebecca Sulley Reporter

THE UNION has been forced to reconsider their policy on bottle bins after a letter of complaint to gair rhydd last week.

The student cut their finger when they tried to remove a shard of glass from their shoe at Rubber Duck.

They also suggested the installation of ‘bottle banks’ as being a possible solution to this problem.

Keith Owen, the Union Bars manager, said research had been conducted into the possibility of ‘bottle banks’ being used in Solus, but explained “there are several problems to overcome”.

One of his major concerns is the health and safety aspect of such facilities for both his staff and customers.

Enquiries have been made into buying the bins, but there is concern with the ease they can be emptied.

The design of them also poses problems. Customers could be tempted to throw the bottles at the

bin in which case they would be likely to shatter.

Because of this, Keith is in the process of designing a suitable bottle bin himself.

And 15 new ‘wheely type’ bins have been invested in with a view to combating the problem of broken bottles.

Mr Owen tested the wheely bins - which are currently used to transport empty bottles - around Solus one Saturday night for staff and customers use.

But the trial was unsuccessful.

Most notably, the organisers of Come Play complained about their unsightly presence.

Mr Owen urged all students not take bottles onto the dance floor.

“Look out for any bins, put empties in a sensible place or pass them on to a member of staff who will dispose of them,” he said.

Richard Jennings, club manager of Creation nightclub reiterated the idea of drinkers’ responsibility.

Creation have a number of ‘bottle banks’, and in relating their success, he said ‘they encourage customers to be responsible with their bottles.”

DROPPING THE smouldering end of your cigarette could now cost you a £25 fixed penalty fine in Cardiff.

Fines are being enforced from this week by a team of Keep Cardiff Tidy officers, who staged a crackdown on Bonfire Night.

New bins have been placed along Queen Street with a section for used cigarettes to provide smokers with an alternative to dropping butts on the ground.

The bins also have specially designed trays to take burning ciga-

rettes, reducing the danger of bin fires. Failure to use the bins will result in the fine.

Phil Robinson, Cardiff Council’s Deputy Leader for the Environment said, “Cigarette butts are ugly and pollute the environment, and we all have a duty to keep our city clean.”

His words are supported by a recent Encams (formally Tidy Britain) survey which found that smoking related debris make up over 40% of street litter - a huge 120 tons a day nationwide.

Kevin Crimmins, of Keep Wales Tidy stressed that “This is not an antismoking initiative” and the new measures aimed “to make cigarette

butt disposal easier for smokers”.

Snatching a quick fag outside the Union, Jeremy Fredrick, 19, an Ancient History student, commented “It is a good idea in theory but it might be impractical as it will be difficult to enforce.

“They can’t police everyone, but it will make me think twice before dropping a cigarette.”

Standing with him, Callum Smith, a 19-year-old Physics student, agreed.

“It is good that they have put bins in St Mary Street but I think there should be more outside the Union. A lot of students smoke and, as no-one knows about the fine, they could get caught out.”

PHOTO: Kirsty Monaghan

Clampdown on litter threatens smokers with £25 fine

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter

Student Development Programme re-launched FOLLOWING THE appointment a new training and development co-ordinator, the Student Development Programme is to be re-launched from January.

John Steele has recently taken over the role and is keen to get student feedback on how to enhance and improve the Programme.

A range of existing courses and other exciting initiatives will be on offer after Christmas There are several "soft skills" courses planned up to the end of this semester with space on some still available: John said, “I am really excited about this project, and bring a wealth of training experience which I hope will benefit students as potential learners on the programme.

“Please feel free to contact me about any Student Development Programme issues on SteeleJ@cf.ac.uk or 029 2078 1489” Thurs November 13:1800-2000hrs – Presentation Skills Theory Thurs November 20:1800-2000hrs – Presentation Skills Practical Mon November 24:1730-2000hrs – Leadership Skills Tues November 25:1730-2000hrs – Participation & Team working Wed 10 December 1730-2000hrs – Be Assertive, Stay Assertive Stage 1 Thurs 11 December 1730-2000hrs – Be Assertive, Stay Assertive Stage 2

Climax flops New Union night pulled

By Will Talmage Reporter ONLY two weeks after opening, the Thursday night in Solus is to be scrapped.

The decision comes after incredibly low attendance figures and considerable losses.

Climax was organised by Xpress Radio and was new to the Union this year. The concept behind the night was to raise the profile of Xpress radio and to offer more alternative music to students, rather than the mainstream music of nights such as Come Play.

This ambitious project was the brainchild of 19-year-old Jess Boydell, a second year English Literature student and Events Manager for the radio station.

The reason for the failure of the night was not due to poor planning or unprofessional management, but simply because of the night it was

allocated.

Thursdays are always an unpopular night at the Union, which was the reason the evening was available to Xpress Radio.

Sandwiched between Rubber Duck and Lashtastic - both sell out nights - the alternative night could not compete.

On some nights no more than 50 tickets were sold. The proposal was estimated to bring in more than £250 a week profit to the radio station that is currently in need of additional funding.

Unfortunately, the collapse of Climax has resulted in nothing but debt for the Union.

There are currently no plans to replace Climax on Thursdays with another Union run night.

But the radio station has not abandoned the idea of managing a night. They have now secured the back room in Solus during Lashtastic to play alternative music.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

November 10 2003

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

EST. 1972

By Tristan Thomas gair rhydd Editor

W

e love criticism up in gair rhydd. The letters page is like a school report card for us - although unfortunately we can’t bury it in the sandpit when things aren’t going our way. It tells us what our readership wants, the ultimate target for all journalists.

What angers us however, is when people complain that gair rhydd is not covering certain issues.

To clear up any confusion, I am the only paid member of staff within gair rhydd. We have to rely on the goodwill of our editorial team, our writers, our photographers and our proofers. They work remarkably long hours to bring

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

the gair rhydd to you every week, and with no financial remuneration whatsoever.

We all want to improve gair rhydd and Quench even further, but so far our staff have been limited by time.

In response to the letters from Harry E. Rose and Birdyii, I agree with you, we have so far failed to cover the full news spectrum.

Your points about this proving detrimental to the political process are logical and helpful.

But why oh why, if you are unhappy with the current situation, do you not come in and write for us?

Our news and opinion sections are not limited by space – to put it simply, if we had enough news and comment I’d gladly run a 20 page current affairs section. In my view that is what a newspaper is all about. So if any of you have a story, particularly one for our Political Opinion page, email us. gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk

Mr Murdoch...Mrs Jowell... please stop bullying the Beeb

T

HERE’S NOTHING like a good bit of BBC bashing. Even before the Hutton Inquiry, the corporation was under attack from both the government and the press for being variously too close to the government, unnecessarily critical of the government, too patriotic or not patriotic enough.

Take your pick on any given day.

Then, to top it all, a BBC journalist had the indignity to report a story that was highly damaging to the

Student Rant

rhydd

gair

government. How dare he?

And what strange coincidence. The government is in the midst of conducting a BBC funding review.

And what an even bigger coincidence. Culture Minister, Tessa Jowell has, at various stages, dropped hints that the BBC may not retain their licence fee.

And the biggest shock of all, the Murdoch press (and other right wing papers, although not to the same extent) are busy mounting their high

horses to ride into this OK Coral gunfight and shoot down a politically independent corporation.

Naturally this BBC bashing is all completely justified.

“Andrew Gilligan’s report was terrible piece of journalism” cry the critics. “The BBC wastes the public’s money on frivolous tat like Fame Academy” scream the papers. “The corporation produces incredibly highbrow programmes that nobody watches” shrill columnists.

Wait a minute, isn’t there a slight

Edwina Lewis

What’s in a name?

A

By Gary Andrews contradiction in there? Not if you work for Rupert Murdoch. The Sun is happy to cry out how sleazy the Beeb is one day and how unpopulist they are the next.

It’s not merely a case of having your own cake and eating it. The Sun has actually brought the whole bakery.

Murdoch, naturally, stands to gain the most by the licence fee’s removal.

The BBC has grown into a serious world player, fulfilling its public service remit by launching BBC4 and 1Xtra. Minorities have never been so well catered for. There’s no doubt that if the BBC was opened up to advertisers they would not be the least bit interested in minority programmes, whose viewers don’t buy as much as those who watch Pop Idol.

And if the government chose to take the BBC down this route Murdoch will be sitting pretty at the top of his empire with no serious rival in Britain.

Yet the government still makes the BBC sweat. They insist they are not acting out of revenge, but to many outsiders the Labour party’s actions look like that of a playground bully – caught taking a child’s sweets they are sat waiting, ready to give whoever snitched them out a good thumping.

They seem relentless in their pursuit of a journalist who was merely doing his job, which wasn’t to regurgitate Westminster press releases, but to actually go out and investigate stories.

Granted, an independent BBC will always sit uneasily with more ideologically minded governments, but if its journalists aren’t holding the government to account then what the hell are they doing in the journalistic profession? Even if one of their number was sloppy in his reporting it’s unfair to then tar the whole corporation with the same brush.

Let’s not forget that a Cardiff University study actually felt that the BBC was the most pro-government broadcaster of all, in its coverage of Iraq.

Bet you didn’t read much about that in The Sun.

S SOMETHING of an oldtimer frequenting the various hostelries that Cardiff has to offer, I have undertaken the task of compiling some advice for bars, restaurants and clubs thinking of changing their name.

The name-changing business seems to be conducted with a view to ensuring that anyone meeting anyone else, who was ever in Cardiff, cannot establish any form of conversation about its nightlife, since one recognises the names of venues frequented by another, (we all know each student continues to refer to Solus/ The Terminal/ whatever name it was wearing when they arrived).

This handicap extends to the point where the conclusion of such a conversation would be that we were of course studying in different cities, one in Cardiff, Wales, the other in...the other Cardiff, Wales.

The practice is too common to halt and therefore this advice is offered with a view to damage control. These were written with specific examples in mind; if you yell them all out quickly, well done, you have passed the test.

- Don’t take take the name of another bar or one that could easily be confused with another, especially if the other is an established meeting point…say in Talybont.

Have pity for those few remaining students who go out without their phones, with no means of reconciling the situation (‘Oh, you were in that Red Lion, we went to this one’).

No amount of delicious, fresh baked pizza can make up for this one.

- If you own the coolest 1930s cinema-turned-bowling alley on City road, on no account must you ditch the coolest mot-retro sounding name in the business, for a snappy one syllable number which means nothing, except that perhaps you are trying to annexe yourself to some terrible chain.

- If you are Zeus (the club, not the god), you may call yourself Creation but we know that it is you.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 300 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

November 10 2003

Page 7

grcobley@cf.ac.uk

MARK

A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST IN A WORLD OF SPIN

Cobley to retire I”M SORRY TO announce that this column is the last I’ll be writing for the Gair Rhydd.

I’m off to pastures new, far from the corridors of Cardiff Students’ Union, for a sabbatical lasting into the new year.

But fear not - the Voice you can Trust won’t be silenced.

I’ve ensured this column will pass into the hands of someone fit to continue the Cobley legacy.

It’s someone with a position of influence in student life - so I can’t reveal his name..

But he’ll be bringing you the unspun, hard truth about the world we live in - just like me.

ONE PLACE I’M not going, though, is North Korea.

“Pissed-Off Second Year”, in Letters last week, thinks that’s where I deserve to go for having left-wing opinions.

His retread of the old social democrat = socialist = communist = supporter of North Korean death squads argument is so pathetic I can’t even be bothered to respond.

So I won’t.

The debt we can never repay

I

SAW SOMETHING this week that disgusted me like few things have in a long while.

Pensioner and WWII veteran Eric Paternoster was set upon by a hammerwielding thug - as he stood collecting for the Poppy Appeal.

Eric, 79, was rushed to hospital and received multiple stiches to fix up the gashes to his head and arms.

The scum who did this - presumably after just the pennies in his collection jar even had the cheek to try and con him, saying he was a student doing research into people’s wartime experiences.

It’s things like this that really shake your faith in human nature.

As a spokesman for the Royal British Legion said, “This is disgusting. Eric served in the War and was collecting for ex-servicemen.”

By now you should know that I’m not usually the first to be found jumping on the age-old “hang ’em and flog ’em” bandwagon.

The media are quick to degrade and de-humanise paedophiles and rapists as “lower than beasts”.

But at least their repellent crimes can be explained (although never excused) by uncontrollable sexual urges.

People like Eric’s attacker haven’t even got that pathetic excuse.

Beating a poppy-seller - or indeed any defenceless pensioner - is just

about as low as you can get.

It’s worth remembering just what those kindly old poppy-sellers did for this country.

They put their lives on the line. They watched friends and comrades blown to bits. They suffered trauma, disability and death - all for the freedoms we today take for granted.

If it wasn’t for the British, American, Russian, Polish and French fighters who defended Europe against the evils of fascism, the twentieth century could have looked altogether much darker.

The battlefields of WWII might seem an age away from our comfortable, modern lives.

But when racist politicians are gaining support and council seats, it’s worth remembering the havoc and misery that fascism and racism once unleashed.

Men like Eric Paternoster fought and many died to defend Britain and the rest of Europe from this curse.

I wonder if the coward who attacked him would have done the same?

And that’s why even if it’s the only vaguely religious thing you do all year, I want to see you at the Cenotaph on Sunday or Tuesday.

You’ll never repay the debt you owe to old men like Eric.

But remembering that you owe it that’s the least you can do.

Illustration: Tom Green

Parliament goes Pop! BELIEVE IT OR NOT, everyone’s favourite reality show Pop Idol is even the cause of debate at the House of Commons.

Glasgow Labour MP Jim Sheridan has tabled a motion condemning pop moguls Pete Waterman and Simon Cowell for making a fortune out of “crushing kids’ dreams”.

The politicians reckon their acid put-downs send out the wrong message

to aspiring hopefuls, telling them it’s all about image and not talent.

The motion slams the “so-called music experts” for telling tubbier contenders like Michelle McManus and Kim Gee that they don’t fit the ‘image’ of a pop idol.

Meanwhile, one of Labour’s new big ideas is to lower the voting age to 16.

Might this Pop Idol motion be an early stab at attracting the teenage vote?

He y, it can talk!

Collected thoughts from trained chimp and leader of the free world George W. Bush Howdy, y’all.

This week, I’se not too happy wid you Brits and the res’ of the Yew-ropean Yew-nion.

That silly ol’ EU is puttin’ $210m worth of trade duties on American goods so people don’t buy none!

And you’se threatenin’ more!

Course, this is all punishment for the massive tax breaks I gave ta US exporters, an’ the huge penalties I slapped on importin’ forren steel last year.

Don’t tell no-one I said so, but these is jus’ a liddle bit illegal under world trade rules!

Course, usually I’se the biggest

supporter of global free trade.

‘Specially when all dem poor brown countries have ta open up their economies and let American multee-nashernals demolish their homegrown businesses.

That makes my corporate buddies real rich!

But now youse dirty Yewropeans reckon I’se bein’... whad they say... hippo-critical!

Well, maybe.

But I ain’t followin’ the dumbass free-trade policies I prescribe for everyone else.

What d’ya think I am? Stoopid?

See you next week!

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOBLEY@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

November 10 2003

Political Opinion

Page 8

gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk

Security gamble For fathers’ sake Cutbacks threaten national security

By Polly March

T

he government has proposed yet more cutbacks to the army’s budget to counteract what The Times says is ‘an unprecedented cash shortage’.

Governmental coffers are feeling the strain due to a dispute with the Treasury over the value of the MoD’s total assets. Whitehall is now subject to a new accounting system that will impose cash limits on departments which are directly proportional to their assets.

This time they are targeting the Territorial Army. The TA were once regarded as a bit of a joke by regular soldiers who called them the Saturdays and Sundays (SAS) or the Dad’s Army.

But in recent years, they’ve formed up to a quarter of the fighting forces in Iraq, Afghanistan and Bosnia because the regular army is chronically understaffed. The family lives of regular soldiers are being destroyed because there are not enough soldiers to allow proper rotation of units. The army is also spread out on several “peace-keeping” engagements simultaneously which is not only costing the taxpayer a fortune, but also deters potential recruits from joining and convinces those already in service to leave. Peace-keeping duties are notoriously boring, dangerous and considered by troops to be “none of our business”. The TA soldiers help to alleviate this problem in the shortterm, but they are part-time soldiers being used as regular troops when in reality they are meant to be a last line of defence in a national emergency.

These emergency cuts entail a reduction in annual training days which TA sources believe will drastically affect morale within the ranks

Squaddies: an endangered species and encourage soldiers to leave. As the TA is already about 4,000 short, with its total strength standing at 37,360 compared with required levels of 41,250, further losses in manpower would be detrimental to its potential.

An MoD spokesman said that the widespread reduction in training days would not affect Territorial operations in Iraq where currently approximately 25 per cent of the British military are reservists. Out of the total British troops (estimated at around 9,780), 2,500 are reservists, again most of them TA soldiers.

The MoD believe that reducing training days could save £1.5 million.

In addition to this they are proposing to cancel two battle scenario training exercises in Poland, hoping to save another £6.5 million.

The MoD recently declared its assets as amounting to approximately £86 billion, a figure which the Treasury disputes. As a result the MoD is being encouraged to rethink procurement programmes (some worth several billion) and training activities in order to make short term savings. With funds being bled dry and little incentive to join up, it’s no small wonder our boys can’t live up to their full potential.

Democrats ditch flags

By Polly March

I

t seems that Liberal Democrats in Torbay prefer the EU flag to our own national pennant.

Taxpayers in Torbay were recently outraged to learn that the Lib Dems, who control Torbay Council, are proposing to replace both the Union Jack and St George’s cross with European Union flags.

Hailing themselves as the most proEuropean of the three major parties, the Lib Dems have made it local policy to fly the EU flag on all public buildings in Torquay, Brixham and Paignton. Eurosceptics in the area are highly displeased, with a vast majority of local council workers defiantly refusing to take down the two national flags and replace them with the starry blue banner.

Veterans’ groups have also joined the chorus of disapproval. Tony Rider, secretary of the Normandy Veteran’s Association in Torbay and South Devon, has been speaking to veterans in the area and believes they will not recognise any flag other than that of the Union Jack and St George. ‘They

By Emily Knightley

W

e can and do frequently fall out of love with our partners. It is a pain that is impossible to explain, when we feel betrayed by someone we once loved, and entirely natural that we feel the desire for revenge.

“Children, however, only fall out with their best friends but never Mummy, Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa." Thought provoking words from Pierce Brosnan - who starred in Evelyn, a true story of an Irish father’s fight to see his children.

Wednesday saw the end of David Chick’s six-day protest, during which he had spent his time up a 175ft crane near Tower Bridge. It was a protest that has helped to draw attention to the plight of fathers seeking access to their children following divorce or separation. This is an issue that was highlighted earlier this year in South Wales after Simon Clayton fled abroad with his four-year-old daughter, Estelle, during a tug-of-love custody battle. He has subsequently been found guilty of the abduction of Esti.

This is his daughter; surely it should not be possible to be able to abduct or to be accused of abducting one’s own daughter. Today, it would seem, men have to fight for the right to be a dad, surely this too should not be the case.

Fathers 4 Justice (F4J), a group fighting for the civil rights of divorced fathers, has offered its support to Mr. Chick following the end of his protest and has, since July, been campaigning for Mr. Clayton’s release. F4J is, in its own words, "an

“Have you been drinking, son?” evolutionary, dynamic movement with specific objectives and targets that we desperately need to achieve for children and their families". It advocates peaceful non-violent direct action based on the Greenpeace model with a dash of humour thrown in for good measure. F4J is already raising awareness in a unique and sometimes provocative approach designed to challenge the government to respond to the crisis in Family Law. F4J has declared an epidemic of mass fatherlessness, 14 years after the introduction of the 1989 Children’s Act, as 650 children a day have parents who separate or divorce and 100 children a day lose partial or total contact with their fathers. Surely today, when the role of the father is increasingly deemed as crucial as the mother’s by researchers, and with the full and equal guardianship of children provided for by the 1925 Guardianship of Infants Act custody should no longer be an issue.

Student Council news

By Charlie Beale

C

ardiff University’s constitution has been dragged into think it’s disgusting. They are very the present, although there disappointed about this.’ He described was no kicking and screaming the news as ‘a bolt from the blue’, involved as the two thirds majoriadding ‘it seems ridiculous just to ty vote needed to pass the motion think about it.’ was generously exceeded. The Torbay Council Leader Controller changes were proposed to tackle Chris Harris has defended the pro- what was felt to be in part an posed move, saying ‘we should recog- inflexible and archaic constitunise we are part of Europe’. Citing the tion. example of Torquay Harbour, he said Firstly, the name itself had to go. In ‘see how much money we’ve had an attempt to remove some of the from Europe? It is important that if obstructing bureaucracy, the acronym people are going to be assessing SUC which often created a barrier to Torbay for European money we are understanding what these people do, seen to be part of Europe.’ Controller has now been dropped in favour of the Harris wants Torbay to clearly new transparent name "Student demonstrate its hospitality towards Council" - misunderstand that if you European visitors, while keeping dare! local workers conent. ‘I am sure when The second major agreed change they realise what is happening they related to the composition of the stuwill be happy.’ dent council. In the past the constituA fact for Controller Harris (who tion has required a specific number of clearly doesn’t know his almshouses representatives of departments, halls from his Election expenses), the of residence, international students United Kingdom is one of the four net and other student bodies. This was contributors to the Euro budget. In known to result in candidates being 1999 (latest figures available), the net creatively "elected" into their posicost of the EU to the UK was £8.5 bil- tions to maximise positions filled. lion. That’s a lorra Euro flags While this resourceful method did Controller Harris! the job, it is clearly better that with

motion passed instead of rigid requirements, which Finnnbarr Graham, president of the student coucnil and first nominee of this motion, likened to electing "two giraffes only and three hippos exactly allowed to board the ark". Students will now simply represent students.

Future Student Councils will comprise of a total of fifty nine students representing the student body, plus a Chairman. Concern was expressed that as the new stated number of desired members has decreased so too would the drive to campaign for members. This was quickly dispelled; on the contrary it was felt there would be far greater motivation to reach this target, measurable and now more realistically achievable. It should be noted that this is a limit purely on voting members; the entire student body is welcome and is indeed encouraged to join the meetings and make their voices heard. The more the merrier!

Among the other changes to the constitution was the addition of a greatly appreciated time guillotine, cutting off and pushing a dragging agenda into the following meeting.

Furthermore, the provision of Welsh copies of the agenda are no longer to be simply practised but also stated in the constitution, leaving no bilingual stone unturned.

Comment

By Iwan Horan The Welsh Assembly Government - the Labour-led lapdog to Westminster - has yet again launched a new campaign to persuade even more young people to consider moving on to higher education. It seems this is necessary, from their point of view, because they believe individuals from poorer backgrounds are being prevented from accessing university education.

Is it not true that it is the Central Government’s own policies of introducing course fees which is inevitably having the greatest impact on a young person’s decision to enter higher education?

While I believe fees are a bad thing because they introduce a person to a culture of borrowing and debt, do fees really prevent anyone, from any background, from entering higher education? The introduction of fees might make an individual think twice before choosing a course of study.

There are far too many ‘Mickey Mouse’ degrees which provide the graduate with little, or no, practical workplace skills. Graduates of traditional subjects such as sciences can also find it difficult to obtain employment in their chosen fields as things stand. The plain truth is that there are too many courses and there are far too many graduates going for too few jobs. While it is to be commended that a person is encouraged to develop his or her abilities to their greatest extent, why don’t manual occupations get the same attention and respect from the Government? It is well known that there is a severe shortage of people in occupations such as plumbing.

It is convenient for the Government to push an increasing number of younger people in to dead-end degrees thus keeping them away from the dole queues and out of the unemployment statistics. If it were the case that all students in the UK claimed unemployment benefit, it would cost the Government billions. What if every person who disagrees with the introduction of fees claimed the dole?

Don’t bother wasting time protesting – hit the Government where it hurts.

What do YOU think?

Contact us at: ssugr@cf.ac.uk

Letters

November 10 2003

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd Letters Page It’s that tired old adage of “what goes up...”

Back to the original ‘One Page Wonder’ - It’s the Letters Page!

Although I, like you, should be writing essays, tutors don’t like it when you use “but I have responsibilities - I’m the people’s champion – defender of students’ rights to complain about stuff!” as a lame attempt to get essay extensions. They think you’re bonkers. It tends to have the opposite of the desired effect...

As ever, submissions will only be accepted via email.

This week, paper is mostly for: Making sunhats, so you can pretend that you’re on a beach in Jamaica, away from this crappy weather.

James Anthony Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. If your letter is here, come on up to the office to collect them. We can’t be assed to chase you.

go unnoticed. Cardiff uni consists of people from ethnic minority groups so positive steps against racism and discrimination should be celebrated!

In brief: five British police officers resigned and three remained suspended from duty after an undercover BBC documentary exposed racism in their ranks. Images of a police recruit wearing a Ku Klux Klan-style hood and simulating the beating of an Asian colleague plus the use of racist abuse like "Paki" and "Nigger" were commonplace for these PCs. The idea that white and Asian members of the public should be treated differently because of their colour was not only acceptable for some, but also preferable.

This is a scandal that has provoked widespread condemnation and a government call for action.

So to the editor and writers of gair rhydd I ask - How did this piece of important news go unnoticed?

Yours, Birdyii

Party politics Straight from the horse’s mouth Dear gair rhydd, I am an American, a linguistics student, and a follower of US politics for many decades. I protest your gross distortion of George Bush's speaking skills as portrayed across a full sixteen paragraphs. Trust me: he has never delivered sixteen coherent paragraphs of speech when speaking off the cuff. He only rarely produces a coherent sentence under such conditions. If he is capable of sustaining a single idea at such length and with such clarity while speaking spontaneously, it is the most closely guarded secret in contemporary politics. Furthermore, there is no recorded evidence to show that he could even read such a thing on his own. We speak of a man who has been taught to pretend to be reading off Teleprompters while actually repeating what is fed into a microelectronic earphone. Functional illiteracy does not necessarily involve verbal incoherence. He just happens to enjoy both.

Sincerely, Linda Kent

Handle with care Worms. Can of.

Dear gair rhydd, Dear gair rhydd, I have come up with an answer to solve the current strikes within the postal system. Should our government not show the postal workers that they actually deserve less money for their inefficient shoddy workmanship? This could easily be demonstrated by putting each postal worker in a box and sending him/her to a nominated address of his/her choice. Even with a "FRAGILE" sticker stuck on the container, the postal workers would quickly realise that their colleagues are illiterate, mindless, lazy apes. The boxed monkeys would endure concussion, starvation and dehydration during their three to four week ordeal from the local post office depot, to the ditch by the side of the road; whereby they find out nobody was there to sign for a boxed monkey.

Perhaps this simple and costeffective scheme could teach the monkeys to act their age and not their shoe size!

Yours, Alex.

James Landon clearly likes to stir things up. In his November 1st letter, he claims that "a leading member of Plaid Cymru seems racist". Had Mr. Landon paid more attention to the content of Dafydd Iwan’s speech, he would have noticed that the speech was vehemently anti-racist. Dafydd Iwan was in fact condemning those who are hostile to the multicultural fabric of cosmopolitan cities in England. Far from being racist, the point was that the people of Wales, and Plaid Cymru, would not tolerate such intolerance.

Yours, Mohammed S. Islam (Plaid Cymru member)

B N Pulling Dear gair rhydd, Since the broadcast of this rather shocking documentary on Tuesday 21st October 2003, I am yet to see an article or brief mention of it in your paper. I think the effort of the BBC and the journalist, Mr. Mark Daly should be applauded and not left to

almost unbelievable, even the GR felt the need to once again put the boot in. Hell yeah of course the new NUS cards are like tracking collars, why not even just make them blow up if you don't go to lectures! And the pictures ARE smaller than last year.

But only in height which is why you look like a fat midget.

If you don't like it you can pay £10 to get one properly done, and obviously you can then have your hair done right, and be wearing the right clothes that fit your image for this year rather than last year. Or you can make everyone's life easier and sign up to crop 10,000 images for next year's cards rather than making a batch job to resize them all. I'm sure that as you crop the 1,337th persons face you will know that they won’t even break a smile to see their photo in its correct proportions, and you will be content because you know at least they won’t complain.

As for the queuing, I’d say that's largely your own fault. I have one of the most time intensive courses, and yet I still managed to time it right so I got my card within 10 minutes. If

Dear gair rhydd, Much as I appreciate your extensive political coverage - 60% top-up fees, 20% Cobley, 20% BNP I'd like to take issue with the general anti-politician, anti-political parties, "aren’t they all a bunch of lying, corrupt bastards who all stand for the same thing anyway" school of lazy thought. Now I concede that some of our MP's do seem to extract the proverbial piss, but most of them can be found in a once mighty organisation commonly known as the Tory Party.

Can we move beyond our collective blissful ignorance and at least agree that some people go into politics because, god forbid, they actually want to make peoples lives better. Some may fail (that Tory Party again), some may dither and hide their actual egalitarianism for fear of offending the ignorance and fear merchants at the Daily Mail (New Labour). But surely we haven't elected 600-odd bastards who've hidden behind a veil of publicspiritedness only to laugh into the night.

Are the mainstream parties really all the same? Ok so Labour don't offer revolutionary communism anymore and the Tories may pretend to be centrist but their policies are far from identical. On taxation, on public service spending, on Europe, on education. It's easy to be cynical, to bask in the glow of self-satisfaction and dismiss anyone and everyone.

"I'm disenfranchised", "I’m disillusioned", "I’m alienated" - poor dears. Please shut up, you’re lucky to live in a democracy.

people could be bothered to go at any other time than during lunch, or even god forbid get up in the morning and go in early to get it, maybe you wouldn't have had to wait around for 2 hours. Or you could have just waited a couple of weeks for something that you didn't want anyway.

GR should have stood up for Hannah, who obviously used up time and effort only to practically get it thrown back in her face by every other perp getting their NUS cards.

Sayonara, Chris

Propping up flyovers Dear gair rhydd, "Should we cover the BNP?" you ask (1 November, p. 15). Yes preferably with several feet of concrete.

Yours, Andrew Belsey

Letters is supported by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

07791 165 837 Bring bak 80s nite and 80p pints-the mullets need a home! Or start a new 90s nite and 90p pints. Ginger Poo I can’t believe that our Big Ron isn’t running for any positions in this years Bi elections..he was my favourite candidate! gair rhydd makes great xmas hats and tinsel!

Merry xmas to u all, esp if you do archaeology love nic and jude xxx My friend used to live behind a fig tree

Any 1 who fancies some slap & tickle with my prize gosling, meet on th secret union steps with a smoked kipper, a soft-top corkscrew & a box of kleenex. No1’ll ever know.

What came first, the chicken or the egg. apparantly neither in O’Briens!

Bring back seren las!

I might have seen dominic diamond driving in cardiff,but was prob just some random ugly twat with goatee.

Yours, Harry E. Rose

NUS: Battle Royale Dear gair rhydd, The new NUS cards have received such a bashing from people it's

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Listings

Page 10

November 10 2003

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Monday10/11

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am. Free before 11pm, £2 after Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student classics £3/2 Poohyerpants @ Liquid Student session.

Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. 50p per drink before 11pm, £1 after. Casual dress £2 (NUS) Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good-time rock and roll. 11pm-2am. £2 (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm. £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and cheerful chart night. 7.30pm-2am. £1.50 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Film Society @ UGC Gattaca. Meet in the UGC bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm.

Safety @ The Toucan A night of drum’n’bass, dub, ska and peaceful vibes with resident musicians and DJs collaborating to create a unique club experience.

Afterlife @ The Gallery, Chapter Arts Centre Exhibition until Sunday Nov 16. The artists share an interest in capturing particular or significant moments in time.

Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber) @ The New Theatre Mon, Tue 7.30pm; Wed, Thu 2pm, 7.30pm; Fri 5pm and 8pm; Sat 2pm, 5pm and 8pm. From £7 Amici Forever @ St David’s Hall The world’s first ever opera band, plus support. 8pm From £16.50

Tuesday11/11

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors 8pm, show 9pm, £2 (NUS) OPERA RESTOR'D @ Cardiff University Music Hall Scarlatti’s La Dirindina, Haydn’s La Canterina. A fully staged evening of opera (sung in English). 7.30pm, £3 (NUS) Vodka Republic @ Creation £2 (NUS) Bounce @ Barfly Drum’n’bass 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm, £2.50 (NUS) I Hear A New World @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Electronica, psychedelia, downtempo, krautrock.

Doors 10pm, £2 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am. Free entry Funky town @ Stylus Commercial disco, R&B flavas. 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Quiz night @ Club X Face Dr Beverley Ballcrusher for cash prizes! Table service on drinks from 9pm so you can keep your heads together. 6pm-11pm. Free Cheese nation @ Jumpin Jaks Student night 8pm-2am offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, d’n’b with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots. No dress code. 9pm-3am; free before 11pm, £1.50 after International night @ Journeys 4-12.

Salsa night @ Bar Cuba £4 a lesson Home @ The Toucan A night featuring some of the best bands on the local scene. The best local singers, songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm LMS Sessions @ The Barfly (in association with Amp-li-fy) The Loves, Sexy Vegas Superstars. Doors 8pm £3 Level 42 @ St David’s Hall Plus support £20 The Madness Of George III @ The Sherman Theatre Alan Bennett's witty and poignant drama examines the relationship between monarchy and nation, power and humanity, psychosis. 8pm, £5

Wednesday12/11

Tom McRae @ The Engine Rooms With A Girl Called Eddy. The best artist to be seen in Cardiff all year if you ask me. As Tom himself puts it: “Sometimes the darkest songs can be the most uplifting. It’s homeopathy. I think a little bit of what’s killing you is really important.”

Be there but don’t steal my place (at the front, in the middle!)

Rubber Duck Club Night @ Solus, SU Prizes for the best dressed. 9pm-2am, £3 Student Session @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Drinks 99p before midnight, £1.50 after. £2 (NUS) Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? Noon-2.30pm, free Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10.30pm-2am, £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations 9.30pm, £2.50 (NUS) Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Resident DJs play a crazy mix of cool rare grooves. Drinks promotions all night Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am, £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and mix 7.30pm2am, £1.50/3 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks 70s Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and cheese.

Double shot and mixer 80p. No dress code.

9pm-2am Wednesdays @ Sam’s Bar Live bands £2 Indie Box @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Latin Night @ Life Latin music and salsa lessons, £2 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Boomshanka @ The Toucan Late 60s/70s Acoustic soul, hippy funk and DJs downstairs The Robert Cray Band @ St David’s Hall Plus support. 8pm, £22.50

Thursday13/11

Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-3am, £3 (NUS) Usual Suspects @ Creation Chart, dance, indie, old school Fresh City @ Liquid Cardiff’s premier R&B session (apparently). With resident DJ Raheem (Vibe 101) and MC Echo. £2.50 drinks. Casual, no headgear Thursday night fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese. 10.30pm2am, £2 Carsondown / The Afterlife / S.K.W.A.D. / Desensitized @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Doors 10pm, £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, d’n’b, breaks. Drinks promos. 9pm-2am, free before 11pm.

Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and R&B. 9pm-2am, £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before 12, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and mix, 7.30pm-2am, £1.50/3:00 Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin Jaks High school hits Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska, reggae, 60s, mod. 4pm-midnight Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing a diverse selection of tunes - anything other than chart or dance. 8.30pm-2am. Free Nick Harper @ The Toucan Sickeningly talented singer/songwriter/guitarist Christmas Lights @ Churchill Way with breakfast show presenters Jase and Zoe (Red Dragon), live music and knockabout street acts from 5pm, with Jamelia on stage at 6.10pm.

Lights at 6.30pm Gryfhead (by Lucy Gough) @ The Chapter Arts Centre An urban gothic comedy by one of Wales’ leading new writers. With original live music by Oly Morys. Until Saturday. £7.50/£5, 8pm.

Paul McKenna's Hypnotic Show @St David’s Hall 7.45pm, £15

Listings

November 10 2003

Page 11

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday14/11

Friday Formula @ Creation Three floors of commercial and old school, £5/4 Drink Free @ Liquid Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance. Smart: no ripped jeans or trainers. £3 entry (NUS) before 11pm, including three bottles Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, 10.30pm-2am, £3 The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week.

Psych, pop, freakbeat, garage rock, punk, R&B and beyond. Doors 10pm, £3 Forward Motion @ Moloko Free before 11pm Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and mix.

7.30pm-2am. £1.50/3 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am. Free Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school R&B UpToNoGood @ The Lounge Chunky, funky vocal house. Free Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach With DJ Swamp. One of Cardiff’s longest running and most respected nights, Hustler Showcase brings the finest in UK and international hip-hop to the Welsh capital.

10pm, £8 adv.

Friday Night @ Yates’s Pay on the door and pay no more. 8.30pm-2am, £12.

Tempus @ Stylus House and breaks.

With special guest Greg Vickers (Tribal Gathering), and Ian Dundgey, Matt Meehan and Rick Latham. 10pm-3am, £6 (NUS) Safety present Danger @ The Toucan A new Friday special designed by the Safety collective bringing their own mix of drum’n’bass, reggae, ska, big beat and funk.

The night features live bands, DJs and MCs. Test (by Simon Whitehead and Barnaby Oliver) @ The Chapter Arts Centre The beginning of a fascinating new sound and performance artwork examining the translocation of matter, movement, touch and thought via sound on intimate and intercontinental scales. Fri 14-Sat 15, 7pm. Free

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History & Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 The Engine Rooms West Bute Street Cardiff Bay 02920463300 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs

Saturday15/11

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more. Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers). Cheesy chart, R&B, commercial dance £10 (NUS) Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10.30pm-2am £3 (NUS) Small Victories / The Benjamins / Gabrielle 25 @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm The Moxie Plenty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (top floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk, punk. Doors 11pm, £3 (NUS) Blueprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm and blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jaks Music, comedy and meaningless banter Okii-hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono O’Neill and Johnny Akiro 9pm-3am RnB @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs, 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage. Free entry Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs Twisted By Design @ Dempsey’s Playing the usual variety of indie stuff inc. Pixies, The Smiths, The Cure, David Bowie, Joy Division, Pavement, Flaming Lips - you know the score! 8pm-1am, £2.50 (NUS) Wilson Semininhi - Direct from Brazil! @ The Toucan The superb Brazilian label Trama once again bring us an offering of samba/drum’n’bass with Wilson Semininhi on his world tour with a seven-piece band of seriously hot Brazilian musicians. Following last years appearance by the Trama Allstars this gig is set to be the best contemporary Latin ticket in town!

Saturdays @ Stylus Sexy, funky, fisco, house with Dave Jones, Gareth Cortez and Funkydory. 10pm-4am, £10 / £8 (NUS) Chumbawamba @ St David’s Hall Appearing in the new Roots Unearthed season. 8pm

Stylus Golate (off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (Club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millennium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millennium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut & Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary

Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (Wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (Wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (Philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street The City Arms Quay Street (next to Clwb Ifor Bach).

Sunday16/11 Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm

Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris £3 Taxi @ Moloko World music till midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic 11am-midnight DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal setting with open mic sessions from 8pm. Tapas available Lisa's School Of Dance @ St David’s Hall Making a welcome return to the Hall in their sixth annual show, the girls perform the can can fresh from their recent performance in Paris.

3pm, £8.50 F Minus / Five Knuckle @ The Engine Rooms As the whey-faced fop Jarvis Cocker once said, "this is hardcore". £7 Blue @ CIA The first of four consecutive nights

Highlights Opera Restor’d Tuesday Cardiff University Music Department

CinemaWeek

We’re going alternative this week...

Chapter Cinema Here's this week's film listings. Week starting Friday November 7 **************************************************** Young Adam (18) A dark and intriguing thriller set in Scotland as we follow Joe, a rootless drifter who knows more about the body in the canal than he’s letting on.

“Rather like finding yourself impaled on a steel rod...sharp, cold and thoroughly riveting.” - BBCi Sat: 8.30 Sun: 8.00 Mon-Thurs: 8.15 Wed: 2.30 Marmalade Atkins (U) This popular children’s comedy series introduced us to Marmalade Atkins, "the worst girl in the world", who was forever getting expelled from school and driving her parents to distraction.

Screening this afternoon are the ‘pilot’ programme, Marmalade Atkins In Space (Thames, 1981), plus the first two episodes of the first series, Educating Marmalade. Sat: 3.00 A Very Peculiar Practice (15) Andrew Davies’ big breakthrough came with this fondly remembered, darkly eccentric series, starring Peter Davison as one of the medical team at the fictitious Lowlands University.

Following a screening of Contract Tracer, the fifth episode of the first series, we’re delighted to welcome Andrew Davies to take the stage for an interview with BBC Wales’ arts and media correspondent Jon Gower.

Sat: 6.15, plus Andrew Davies in conversation Crimson Gold (21A) This eloquent new film from Iran starts from the point at which a thief, trapped by the security system in a Tehran jewellery store, commits murder and then suicide, then brilliantly unwinds to show what pushes a man to such an extreme.

Sat: 6.30, Mon-Thurs: 6.15 Othello (2001) (15) Approached to modernise one of Shakespeare’s great tragedies, Andrew Davies came up with a version of Othello (ITV, 2001, director Geoffrey Sax) in which the hero became the first black commissioner of the Metropolitan Police. The result was a compelling and challenging drama, with Christopher Ecclestone in electrifying form as Iago/Jago. Sat: 8.30 Filipina Dreamgirls (15) An original screenplay, Filipina Dreamgirls was directed by Les Blair for the BBC’s Screen One strand in 1991. Charlie Drake, Bill Maynard and David Thewlis are among a group of British men heading for the Philippines on an arranged tour to meet women for romance and possible marriage. Sun: 5.00 Vanity Fair / Pride and Prejudice (PG) Andrew Davies counts Vanity Fair (BBC, 1998) as one of his favourite ‘period’ adaptations, modestly citing Marc Munden’s direction among his reasons. Audiences would surely include Pride And Prejudice (BBC, 1995, director Simon Langton) as equally memorable – and not only for Colin Firth’s wet shirt! The third episode of each will be screened today. Sun: 6.40

Tom McRae Wednesday The Engine Rooms

Dr Zhivago (2002) (12A) ITV’s lavish version of Boris Pasternak’s novel was transmitted almost simultaneously with Andrew Davies’ BBC adaptation of Daniel Deronda, confirming his status as the UK’s premier literary dramatist. We’re screening the feature-length first episode, introducing the characters of Zhivago (Hans Matheson), Lara (Keira Knightley) and Victor (Sam Neill). Sun: 8.30 Krampack (15) A rites of passage movie with a twist, set against the idyllic backdrop of Sitges, Spain. Subtle, human, compassionate and acutely perceptive.

Mon: 6.30 and 8.30, Tue-Thu: 8.40, Thu: 2.30 Afterlife (PG) This remarkable feature is set between this life and the next, combining scripted scenes with both improvisation and footage of real people reminiscing about their life. Tues-Thurs: 6.30

Media

November 10 2003

Page 13

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Xpress Radio: the verdict

It came and went within the space of two weeks. But was Xpress Radio any good? And who listened? Media investigates

By Leigh Debbage Media Correspondent ou’d have thought it would have been difficult to miss.

With posters appearing all around the

union, Radio Mike donning his vest and running all around Cardiff, and a level of publicity not seen for many years, Xpress Radio launched on FM for two weeks last month.

Although here on the fourth floor

we were aware of Xpress, we were curious as to what the average student wondering around campus thought.

More to the point, did they even know it was broadcasting?

Intrepidly we set out with a list of

questions. Did they know it was on air and what frequency was it on?

Could they name any DJs? How would they improve it? Below, the students of Cardiff give their verdict.

John Maloney Third year, Economics

dents so it’d be interesting to hear from them. Everybody I know all seem to have pretty similar taste.

good chemistry. You can tell they spend way too much time together!

What’s your general impression of the station?

It’s good that the DJs and producers put in so much effort for such a small audience. But it’s all about the work experience and even if it just relieves the boredom of a few of us that’s great!

later uni years.

Y

I used to listen to Xpress back in the summer but then it went off and I wasn’t aware it came back on. I assumed it was because the year ended and I didn’t think to check again this year.

What’s the frequency?

Is it 97.3?

Can you name any DJs? Can’t name any current DJs but I remember the Woodville Road thing.

That was funny.

How could Xpress improve?

Would like to hear a bit more indie stuff and more new stuff.

Dan Ross Third year, Business I tried to tune into Xpress last week and there was an Indian radio station being broadcast on the same frequency.

What’s the frequency?

107.2 Can you name any DJs? Adam Brooks.

How could Xpress improve?

I would like more of a mix of rock and indie stuff.

Ben Morris First year, Maths I’ve never heard of it, I’ve got no idea mate. That’s the first I’ve heard of it. I guess that means it should be advertised better.

Sounds good in theory. I think a large proportion of radio audience are stu-

Sam Dobson Ex-student, Law Whenever I’m scanning for stations I often stop on it because I like the music and am always pleasantly surprised that it’s student radio - it all sounds pretty professional. When I was a student I used to listen to it quite regularly but now it’s just a case of occasionally coming across it by accident. From what I’ve heard it plays quite a wide range of genres and seems to avoid cheese, unlike many mainstream stations and that’s fine by me!

What’s the frequency?

No idea what frequency it’s on.

Who are the DJs? Can’t name any.

How could Xpress improve?

Would be better if it was publicised a bit more.

Kathy Jackson Second year, Humanities Yeah, I love it. I usually listen to it when I’m hanging out in the union, but sometimes I make the effort to tune in when I’m in my car or house. I can’t always track it down though - it seems to move around a lot.

What’s the frequency?

Well, I thought it was 107.3, but that didn’t seem to work last time I tried.

Can you name any DJs? I like Roop and Tom. They’ve got

Anna Roberts Third year, Communications I only ever listen when it's on in the union, but then I never listen to any radio station really.

I’m only aware of when Xpress broadcasts if I go to the union and see the posters there or hear it there.

What’s the frequency?

107. 2 FM? Can you name any DJs That Adam Brooks is fucking great!

And the idea last year with the soap opera was good too.

How could Xpress improve?

There needs to be a better way of advertising the programmes. Most people rarely go the union every day, so it would be better to place posters in home departments. Also, leaflets with the time and frequency of the shows should be given out, because students are absorbing so much info in lectures that they're not likely to remember what they see on a poster.

It would help to get first years interested as they'll want to be in on anything that you tell them is cool!

Bombard halls of residences, and then hopefully these listeners will carry on to be listeners through their

Jenny Lafferty First year, English

Comment Gary Andrews

I

t would be easy to dismiss this investigation as another piece of Xpress bashing, but to do so would ignore the issues at stake here.

The majority of people spoken to enjoyed listening to Xpress, and the station has many quality DJs. The station, when on air, is a genuine alternative to both Red Dragon and Radio 1.

Over the last couple of years the training of presenters has resulted in a tighter presenting style, while the playlists have been refined to reflect the alternative music taste amongst students. gair rhydd music editors are unlikely to complain again about the copious amounts of pop played.

But the problem still remain that no matter how good the DJs and music are, Ian McCarthy it doesn’t mean anything if nobody’s Postgrad, Law tuning in. The biggest obstacle for Xpress is to keep up their profile all year I’ve listened a few round. It would be both financially and times and it seems legally impossible for them to broadcast all year round, but many people don’t to play some of realise this. the music I like.

In this respect Xpress need to conI think if it was centrate more on their branding. The better publicised marketing of their broadcasts is it could have a realabsolutely key to the success of the staly broad audience, but a lot of peo- tion. Even though this has improved, it ple just don’t seem to know about is clear even from our small snapshot it. Most people have their radios that more can be done to raise awareness locked to Radio 1 and don’t think for the next broadcast.

Work has been done by each succesto put student radio on. sive station manager in this area. Major What’s the frequency?

I know this because of that freak in leafleting and sticker drives last year and the creation of Climax this year are the shirt - it’s 118 FM. all steps in the right direction, albeit Can you name any DJs? small ones. To drive the station forward Adam Brooks is the only DJ I know now, Xpress must transform itself into a and I’m not a fan. I think they proper business. should put him back in the infirIn Xpress Radio the union has a great mary. product. The standard of broadcasting has never been higher. It’s just a shame nobody knows about it.

I sometimes listen for a while when I’m in the union, but I’ve never tuned in myself. I think it’s important we have a student radio station.

What’s the frequency?

Don’t know what frequency.

Who are the DJs? I couldn’t name any.

How could Xpress improve?

It would be better, and more popular, if it was on air all year round. I don’t know why it’s not.

“It was a shame it was only on for two weeks” Media Muddle Catherine Gee reviews the fortnight of frivolity on the airwaves

I

’m sure some of you were aware that recently we were treated to Xpress Radio in our very own homes/cells. And it was quite a treat. Considering the current choice of radio stations include little more than Radio 1 or, if you’re in the mood, Red Dragon FM it was definitely worth a listen. With music that bit more diverse than your average radio station it offered a rather welcome change.

However, don’t be thinking that music was all that was on offer, as the lovely people at Xpress gave us far more than that. They provided music news, CD reviews in which appreciation for the favourite was shown by holding it aloft and their displeasure for the loser by smashing the disc - a good idea until you

remember that a smashed CD does not provide the same sound effects as, say, a plate.

Along with this were band interviews with such famous and important people as Frankie from The Darkness, as well as some live tracks and competitions. A highlight, however, was Woodville Road, Xpress’s cross between The Archers and Hollyoaks. The jingle alone could provide amusement.

There was a brief moment of confusion when I found that suddenly my radio was talking to me in some foreign language that sounded a bit funny. I then remembered that I was in Wales, where they sometimes speak Welsh, and it was fair enough that a little bit of the radio broadcast should be in their language. This took the form of an interview with a

Welsh band which was then summarised by a bilingual Welsh bloke for us English-only speakers.

Among all this was the music, which was the station’s strongest force. Being a station by students for students it meant that they had at least some idea of what we actually might want to listen to.

In the daytime there was a good mix of mainstream and lesser known stuff such as The Flaming Lips, Bluetones, 50 Cent and British Sea Power, with DJs nattering about whatever took their fancy.

The evenings became a slot for those with more varied tastes.

Monday late evening saw Outer Nation which provided a soulful blend of hip-hop and jazz during which DJ David Wiggs spoke very slowly to stay in the chilled tone.

Heading later into the night, when most of the Xpress crew are presumably tucked up in bed, we were given an eclectic mix of all kinds of music, including an amusing Christmas carol. Mixes of Lemon Jelly, the Rolling Stones, Skee-Lo, old-skool hip-hop and jazz and good old twinkle-toes Michael Jackson impressed; however, an attempt at mixing The Real Slim Shady with the beat from Billie Jean sounded a bit dodgy.

The final day of broadcasting featured classic tracks all day, some of which reminded of many a cheesy night out. It was a shame that they only got to broadcast for two weeks, as I’d quite quite used to it .

Having tuned in almost religiously, I’m sure that Xpress Radio contains some of the industry’s rising stars.

The arrival of Lancaster’s Scan is always welcome in the office. Where else can you read a news story about a student getting David Dimbleby’s autograph? Yes you read correctly. A news story. It’s not as if none of us have ever got autographs before.

And whilst we’re with Scan, we couldn’t possibly pass their centre spread by.

Billed as a guide to sports facilities in the area, you’d have thought they’d scan in a map and highlight areas. But no, instead we get a hand drawn sketch that a fiveyear-old would be ashamed to have produced, coloured in with what appears to be pencil crayon. Has the budget been cut at all, lads?

Media gossip has been somewhat short on the ground this week but the awards season is coming up, so no doubt tales of media whoring will grace this column sometime in the near future.

Jobs & Money

November 10 2003

Page 15

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

was talking Aretha Franklin knew what she ut wanting abo g san about when she it takes a "RESPECT". When you first graduate your stuleft ’ve you that while for it to sink in ths, it mon e thre first the For ind. beh dent days ersity univ to g rnin retu be just felt like we would the coring play ely mer e wer We ber. in Septem trouser suits porate game, and underneath the . ents stud Lit Eng just we were still er the other It was when I was at a family dinn way people the in e renc week that I saw the diffe was upgraded treat you when you get a job. I "adult" one. the into e from the "children’s" tabl was about my The conversation over the roast to me about ing talk ted new job. My uncle star grandma no pension schemes. It was when my e chocolate som buy to r longer slipped me a five nged irrevocathat I realised my status had cha bly. s that I have But it’s not just in my family’s eye and years of rs yea r Afte n. sitio tran made this than a scabby being regarded as nothing more on society, I ally sitic para ed prey who student

h yd

d

Money Talks “All

I want is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”

r

By Alex Dove and Step

am now seen as a "young professional". What a thrill I feel when those words are uttered.

ga ir

Real World Postcards from hthe Eagleton

For the first time in my life I have what Aretha was warbling about –makes up for and respect is something that ns associated leaving behind all the morning lie-i with student life. people expect I also love the fact that in my job ible. After ons resp be and gs thin me to know much the ty pret for being considered a child own busimy e hav I t. grea is this past 21 years, I actually ber. num ness email and telephone bottom the at put to e atur sign and have a title ing for ask up me ing of letters. I get people ring ing. I feel ffing chu a e quit It’s lly. me persona true. it’s but , etic path know that sounds really as a n see ’re you life, r you in time For the first on ecti coll a , ties ibili proper adult, with respons ing. park e loye emp in ce spa a of suits and g in the Real It takes a while to get used to beinpect? It defiRes .

World but there are rewards nitely means a lot to me.

Bo Derek

FACT FILE Nearly a third of people said that they had been bullied at work, according to a survey recently conducted by the BBC on workers in London.

How to...get rich quick

By Nicola York

E

veryone wants to make some serious dosh fast and it’s a common misconception that this is hard to do. Well, that’s not true. I present to you the world’s first infallible guide to getting dirty rich with minimum time and effort.

1. Donate your body to scientific research OK, so the first problem is that you’re not dead yet and you don’t get paid for doing this…but there is a way round it which involves making money and staying alive (and it doesn’t involve selling body parts on the black market).

Research companies such as Simbec will pay for your time and the loan of your body without causing too much damage. And luckily for you kids, there just happens to be a research centre right here in Cardiff Uni. All you have to do is catch a cold and take yourself along to the Common Colds Centre on Park Place.

The catch is that you do have to be genuinely ill to get any money for your time…and if you are feeling really rough, then sitting in a room having tubes stuck up your nose may not appeal...

2. Invest in the stock market There are loads of guides to investing in the stock market but the best one I’ve found was at www.trading.trix.com. It markets itself as a proven 4-step strategy for making between £400-480 per day "without putting a single penny at risk".

As I haven’t an inkling about the stock market, I will leave it up to you to see what you think of this site.

All you have to do is order the

guide at a small price and read it for about five minutes every day until you are confident in your method.

Then you just play a sort of stock market version of Champ Manager and pick which company you invest in and how much you invest and see what happens, without actually risking any money.

Once you have played this game for a while and have applied the "failsafe" method then you can progress to the real thing.

Apparently it’s completely risk free…so guys and girls, go forth and invest.

3. Sell your soul No, really, this is actually an option. I kid you not. If you go to www.wewantyoursoul.com then you can fill in a questionnaire to find out how much your soul is worth. The questions include ‘are you a member of blockbuster video store?’ and ‘do you indulge in autoerotic practices?’ (whatever they might be).

After filling them in they give you a quote of how much they would be willing to pay for the rights to your soul for the rest of eternity. Mine was worth 40,000 but this figure can change at any time apparently. A friend of mine had a soul worth £7,000. It’s not clear why one soul is more valuable than another or why it changes.

Anyway, now for the spiel: "We Want Your Soul, Inc. (WWYS) is a global private equity firm with nearly 250 million souls under management."

It all starts to sound a bit gruesome at this point. Apparently it employs "cutting-edge proprietary soul extraction, containment and suppression technologies, including, but not limited to, genetic modification, operant conditioning, and thought control."

Crazy careers: Stunt Person

By Nicola York

I I’m still not entirely sure what selling your soul actually involves but as one customer says: "I don’t know how they stand to make any money out of this, but I don’t care as long as I do! I don’t believe in God or the idea of a soul so I won’t miss something that noone can prove that I had to start with. Thanks for the $13,000 – I’ll worry about the afterlife another time!"

It didn’t escape my notice that the initials of this person are B.S. which could quite conceivably stand for Bull-Shitter…

4. Join a Casino Ever heard the phrase "You have to speculate to accumulate"? Well that’s code for "If you want to make money you have to take a gamble" and this is where your ever so useful student loan comes in handy.

Join a casino…that’s all there is to it. Don’t let greed cloud your judgement, if you’re on a winning streak, know when to stop.

To conclude:

If you follow this guide you might GET RICH QUICK, but you could also end up bankrupt, with no soul and the flu.

f nine to fives leave you cold and life in an office doesn’t float your boat then you might consider becoming a stunt person. But be prepared because it’s not all glamourous car chases and dodging bullets…

Who is it for?

James Bond/Buffy wannabes.

Essential skills: - a serious death wish - an adventurous thrill-seeking attitude - a strong will and determination to succeed - high level of fitness How do I become a stunt person?

Another essential skill is patience, as you’ll have to train for at least ten years as a probationary and intermediary stunt performer before you will be able to arrange stunts for yourself and others. See the websites below for comprehensive details on training programmes.

Useless fact: To earn a living as a stunt person you have to learn at least twelve marketable stunt techniques, such as parachute jumping, sword fighting, crashing cars and of course acting .

Where can I find further information? www.bassc.org www.stuntnet.co.uk www.bbc-safety.co.uk Final thoughts?

It beats working at McDonald’s, and is almost as dangerous.

News in brief Tall tales Tall people listen up. Apparently you earn more money the taller you are, this is according to a survey carried out in a Florida University study. Each inch of height is worth a further £464 a year in wages.

Forget degrees, if you want to earn real cash then human growth hormones are the way forward. If I was a midget I’d be mightily peed off…short and poor.

Sick notes scam Doctors are fed up with writing sick notes for workers who are blatantly pulling sickies. 77% of doctors admit that they write notes for patients too easily and feel pressured by them to do so. The top three reasons for issuing sick notes were stress, depression and back problems…interestingly, all three ailments are characterised by symptoms which can be easily faked.

Boss Swingers Channel 4 is screening a new reality TV show called Boss Swap, a spin-off from the Wife Swap series.

The first episode will be screened in January, with company bosses swapping roles. If it’s anything like Wife Swap we can expect to see the usual dregs of society shouting and swearing at each other.

The ‘carefully-planned-set-ups-formaximum-destruction’ format will be out in force, as strong personalities are picked for their abilities to seriously piss each other off, thereby causing fights and arguments, thereby raising viewing figures. A sad state of affairs if you ask me.

On the other hand it could be interesting, as lawyers have warned the participants that they will be liable for any customers lost or strikes by staff.

Sit back and watch the blood pressures rise…

If you have any money, job or career questions you want answered or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk.

Taf-Od

Tud 16

10 Tachwedd 2003

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Ar y Ffordd i’r Rhyng-Gol?!

Edrych ymlaen at benwythnos a hanner yn Aber...

Tri Band i Droi y Byd

ESTELLA Un o ddoniau mwyaf y band yma o Flaenau Ffestiniog ydi’r gallu i ymddangos ym mhob gig a phob gwyl o bwys yng Nghymru. Yn syml, does yna ddim dianc rhagddyn nhw. Estella ydi’r jacyn-y-bocs cerddorol sy’n digwydd chwarae ym mhob man. Ond mae gan Lauren Bentham, y gantores, un o’r lleisiau gorau ar y sîn Gymraeg a thu ôl iddi mae yna fand talentog a cherddorol tu hwnt.

KENTUCKY AFC Ar ôl i aelodau’r Cacan Wy Experience ailffurfio, mae hi wedi bod yn flwyddyn brysur i Kentucky AFC a’r tri aelod wedi gwneud dipyn o enw dros y misoedd diwethaf. Mae gan rai o’u caneuon gorau y gallu i sticio fel glud yn eich clustiau, cymaint felly nes mynd ar nerfau rhywun weithiau. Ond mi fydd yna edrych ymlaen i’w clywed yn y Rhyng-Gol. TEXAS RADIO BAND Mi ddylai pawb yng Nghaerdydd fod yn weddol gyfarwydd â’r rhain gan eu bod nhw’n dueddol o ymddangos yng Nghlwb Ifor Bach pryd bynnag y bydd Guto Brychan [y rheolwr] yn penderfynu cynnal gig Cymraeg.

Ond mae’r band o Geredigion hefyd yn wahanol i bawb arall sydd o gwmpas ac ar eu gorau yn gallu denu sylw cynulleidfa yn

Tair Tafarn i Dorri Syched YR HEN LLEW DU Un o dafarnau hynaf Aberystwyth, a’r man traddodiadol lle bydd y myfyrwyr Cymraeg yn ymgynnull. Does yna unrhyw ryng-gol yn gyflawn heb wario tipyn go lew o arian yn y fan hon, ac mae’r bwyd yn neis hefyd. Byddwch yno yn ddi-ffael.

Y DOWNIES VAULTS Mae’r ‘Llew’ a Downies yn dipyn o elynion yn ôl pob sôn a rheolwr y Vaults yn ceisio’i orau i ddenu’r myfyrwyr i’w dafarn o. Mae yna sgriniau mawr i weld y chwaraeon ac, yn bwysicach na phopeth, shots anhygoel o rad gan gynnwys dybls am £1.50.

Y FFWTI Mae’n dweud llawer am fywyd nos Aberystwyth fod y clwb mwyaf poblogaidd wedi’i leoli ar gyrion y dref a hynny mewn adeilad sy’n prysur ddadfeilio ger y cae pêl-droed. Ond wedyn tydi Clwb Ifor Bach ddim fel y Ritz o bell ffordd. Ac mae yna wastad gyfle am gêm sydyn ar y cae os nad oes yna neb yn edrych.

Kentucky AFC - a fydd yna wledd Mae hi’n fesur pa mor gyflym y bydd blynyddoedd coleg yn hedfan ei bod hi’n adeg y Ddawns Ryng-Golegol unwaith eto. Mae un o seshiwns mwya’r flwyddyn ar y ffordd a dyma i chi ganllaw arbennig Taf-Od ar gyfer penwythnos eleni, sy’n cael ei gynnal ar Dachwedd 14 ac 15.

Fydd cywion y flwyddyn gyntaf, wrth reswm, ddim mor gyfarwydd â’r gweddill efo’r drefn. Y syniad ydi fod mwyafrif myfyrwyr Cymraeg y wlad yn glanio yn Aberystwyth ar gyfer penwythnos sy’n cyrraedd uchafbwynt gyda gig yn yr Undeb ar y nos Sadwrn.

yn y Rhyng-Gol? Mae’r digwyddiadau hefyd yn cynnwys gemau chwaraeon rhwng y colegau yn y bore.

Does yna neb hyd yma wedi cynnig eglurhad pam mai Aber sy’n cael y fraint o gynnal hyn yn flynyddol. Efallai bod Pantycelyn a’i wrychoedd wedi mynd i’r arfer o gael eu dinistrio unwaith y flwyddyn ac y byddai hi’n biti i hen draddodiad fynd i’r gwellt. Neu efallai, yn fwy tebyg, nad oes yna reswm call dros y peth.

Ta waeth, y prif fandiau sy’n ymddangos eleni ydi Estella, Kentucky AFC a Texas Radio Band (gweler ar y chwith am fwy o

fanylion). Y llynedd, Pep le Pew oedd yn gorffen y noson, ac Ap Ted fuodd wrthi y flwyddyn cynt.

Doedd ymateb myfyrwyr Caerdydd i’r naill fand na’r llall yn rhy groesawgar, ond y gwir amdani ydi nad oes yna neb yn cofio rhyw lawer erbyn hynny beth bynnag. Y mwynhau a’r meddwi sy’n bwysig!

Mae gan Y Gym Gym ddau fws yn mynd i fyny am 5 o’r gloch nos Wener, ac mae’r ticedi yn £15 am bopeth. Ewch i’r pencadlys yn 14 Cogan Terrace am fwy o fanylion.

Fel arall, mae gan Anna Gruffudd, y Swyddog Materion Cymreig, ei stôr hi o docynnau ar gyfer y rhai sy’n dymuno gwneud eu ffordd eu hunain i’r Coleg ger y Lli. Gofynnwch amdani yn yr Undeb.

Neuadd chwaraeon ‘Y Gawell’ ydi’r llety swyddogol i bawb o Gaerdydd, ond mi fydd y rhai mwyaf cyfrwys yn siwr o wneud eu ffordd drwy ffenest ym Mhantycelyn neu i dy yn y dref.

Dim ond gofalwch eich bod chi’n adnabod y preswylwyr i ddechrau.

A gofalwch hefyd nad ydach chi’n mynd dros ben llestri yn y dafarn bnawn dydd Sadwrn. Mae’r gêm anferth rhwng Rwsia a Cymru yn cael ei chynnal yn gynnar y noson honno, a gydag achlysur cenedlaethol mor bwysig ar y gweill mi ddylai fod yn Rhyng-Gol i’w gofio!

Ein Gwrol Ryfelwyr!

Gan Angharad George

Cymru 37-53 Seland Newydd O flaen torf lawn yn Stadiwm Telstra, Sydney, benwythnos diwetha’ daeth tro ar fyd i rygbi Cymru.

Wedi haf hir a du i’r tîm cenedlaethol o golli unarddeg gêm ar y trot, gan gynnwys y grasfa honno gan Seland Newydd, pwy f’ase ‘di meddwl y byddai gwyr y crysau cochion wedi dod yn agos at guro ffefrynnau’r Cwpan?

Gyda chais cyflym gan Joe Rokocoko o fewn dwy funud i’r chwiban gyntaf roedd pethe’n argoeli’n ddrwg i Gymru a chrasfa arall ar y gorwel. Fodd bynnag, gyda’r sgor yn 28-24 i Seland Newydd ar yr hanner, roedd gobaith mawr ar gyfer ail hanner cofiadwy i fois Cymru. Trwy daclo cryf, ymosod chwim a phasio cywir, roedd y crysau cochion ar y blaen am 15 munud a’r cefnogwyr yn meddwl am gyfnewid tocynnau â chefnogwyr Seland Newydd.

Roedd hi’n bosibilrwydd cryf y byddai Cymru ar ei ffordd i Melbourne, nid Brisbane, ar gyfer gêm y chwarter olaf!

Ar brydiau anodd oedd ystyried Seland Newydd ymysg goreuon gêm y bêl hirgron. Trwy sgiliau campus yr arwr ifanc Jonathan Thomas a rhedeg medrus Shane Williams profwyd bod eu hamddiffyn yn fregus tu hwnt a dangoswyd i’r byd y gallai ffefryn-

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (VI) Wel, dwi’n meddwl ei bod hi’n bosibl dweud hefo sicrwydd erbyn hyn bod yr ha wedi darfod am eleni a’r gaea ar fin gafael go iawn. Fel petai angen Calan Gaea a Guto Ffowc i atgoffa dyn, mae’r tywydd wedi troi am y gwaetha a’r dyddiau byrion yn ddigon i ddigalonni hyd yn oed Cofi Alltud fel fi.

Dwn i ddim faint ohonoch chi fuodd allan am beint yn ddiweddar, ond mi fentra i yn ddigon siwr bod y rhan fwyaf wedi gorfod dioddef cawod neu ddwy am ddim yn y fargen. Mae’r glaw wedi dychwelyd i Gaerdydd, ac os ydi blynyddoedd cynt yn gosod unrhyw batrwm, wel mae hi’n gaddo misoedd gwlyb ar y naw.

Gwlyb, medda nhw, ydi Blaenau Ffestiniog, ond gwlyb hefyd ydi dillad isa cyn cael secs. Mi aiff y Cofi Alltud ar ei lw nad oes yna unman fel Caerdydd am ddenu’r dwr o’r nen. Os pistyllio, mi bistyllith go iawn, ac fel rheol mi fydda inna wedi’n nal yn ei ganol o heb na chysgod na lloches a dim ond fy ngwallt fel ymbarél.

Cofiwch chi, dwn i ddim pa wahaniaeth fuasai’r un ymbarél wedi’i wneud rhyw nos Sadwrn yn ddiweddar, a finna yn cerdded am adra mewn storm o law a fuasai’n siwr wedi codi troedfedd ar holl foroedd y byd.

Cynddrwg roedd hi’n tywallt nes fod rhywun yn teimlo weithiau fod monswn y dwyrain wedi glanio yn glep ar lawr y wlad rong.

Ond dyma weld wedyn fod goleuadau Woodville Road yn ymestyn o fy mlaen i a finna’n cofio mai fel hyn y bydd hi yng Nghaerdydd unwaith aiff haul yr haf i’w wely. Mae’r glaw, mae hi’n amlwg, wedi cymryd rhyw ffansi at y lle a dim ond y ffwl gwiriona fuasai’n meddwl fod grymoedd natur yma i gael eu newid.

Ar y llaw arall, efallai ei bod hi’n beth da fod y tywydd mor ddiawledig o wlyb – o leia mi fydd hynny’n cydfynd hefo’n gyddfau ni i gyd dros y dyddiau nesa. Mae’r Rhyng-Gol a’r gemau ffwtbol ar y ffordd a phrin y gallith y Cofi Alltud ddisgwyl am y gwlychu llwnc fydd yn dod yn eu sgîl.

Yn enwedig, hynny ydi, os bydd Cymru’n curo. Mi fydd y ticat i Bortiwgal wedi’i fwcio ac er bod Dolig ar y gorwel mi fydd yr achlysur yn gofyn dathlu go iawn. Efallai y bydd hi’n syniad mynd mor bell â Ioan Sgwbi a chymryd gwersi mewn Sbaeneg, er mai Portiwgeëg ydi iaith y wlad.

Ta waeth, mae hi’n mynd yn hwyr, a finna’n dechrau meddwl ei bod hi’n amser i’w throi hi am dy potas am un bach cyflym cyn stop tap. Dim ond gobeithio y gwnaiff Duw ddal ei ddwr am sbel – sgen i’m awydd gwlychu eto.

Colin Charvis ar flaen y gad gyda chais nau’r Cwpan gael eu trechu. Ond, yn anffodus, nid oedd ildio gan y crysau duon ac yn y chwarter olaf sgoriwyd tri chais i sicrhau’r fuddugoliaeth.

Serch hynny, perfformiad caboledig Cymru fydd yn lliwio’r cof am y gêm hon am flynyddoedd i ddod. Gyda rhyddhad ein bod wedi gallu cystadlu yn erbyn goreuon y bêl hirgron a balchder yn ein bois am ddangos calon ac ysbryd, mae llygedyn o obaith i rygbi Cymru. Yn y gorffennol mae enw Cymru wedi’i phardduo gan wybodusion a chefnogwyr rygbi dros bedwar ban byd. Ond, gyda llygaid y byd arnom yn y gêm hon

mae’r tîm cenedlaethol wedi adfer eu hunan-barch a phrofi eu bod hwythau hefyd yn meddu ar sgiliau cystal â thimau gorau’r byd.

Bydd gan Steve Hansen dasg anodd o’i flaen i ddewis tîm i wynebu Lloegr gyda sawl enw ifanc, ar ôl y gêm hon, yn hawlio lle teilwng yn y garfan. Erbyn i Taf-Od ddod atoch chi nesa’, bydd y chwiban ola’ wedi’i chwythu ar yr ornest rhwng Cymru a’r hen elyn. Mae pethe’n argoeli’n dda ar gyfer buddugoliaeth, dim ond gobeithio y bydd crysau cochion Cymru yn gosod sialens cryf i’r Saeson a sicrhau lle yn y rownd gyn-derfynol. Dewch mla’n bois!

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

How do you fancy a leisurely stroll down to the beach, punk?

Sut hoffet ti dro hamddenol i lawr i’r traeth, pync?

Would you mind if I stroked your pet rabbit?

Fyddai bwys gen ti petawn i’n mwytho dy gwningen anwes?

Free Stuff

November 10 2003

Page 17

grcompetitions@cardiff.ac.uk

grab!

“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?”

Vince Lombardi

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! I’ve had another successful week of blagging so you’d better be grateful. Up for grabs this week is something to read, listen to and use for sordid sex games. We at gair rhydd like to think we cater for every need. To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or email them to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk.

Angels with dirty pages Following the success of its sister title – the official Buffy the Vampire Slayer Magazine – which has been going strong for over three years, Titan Magazines bring you the official Angel Magazine. Since Buffy bowed from our screens, the vampire arse-kicking has been left to Boreanaz’s Angel, in a somewhat darker spin-off series set in Los Angeles, where the title hero is a private investigator.

Angel Magazine is a mustread for all die-hard Angel fans and those who are just bananas about Boreanaz. The monthly publication brings you one-to-one interviews with all the cast, crew and writers, exclusive behind the

scenes access and photography, news, scoops and all the latest gossip, and reviews of all the Angel swag on the market.

We’re offering one lucky reader the chance to grab themselves a year’s subscription to Angel Magazine – not only won’t you miss a copy, you also won’t even have to pay for one.

To be in with a chance all you have to do is spot the difference between the two images of our man Boreanaz.

There’s only one difference, but look closely – it could be anything from a strand of hair to a shadow on his impeccably waxed chest. Send your answers to the usual address

by Thursday at 3pm.

Twisted sex games Lynx, the UK’s leading male grooming brand, wanted us to mention that they commissioned a survey that investigates student grooming habits. The survey, which coincides with the new ’24 Hour Lynx Effect’, features the stunning Tanya Robinson of FHM’s High Street Honeys and apparently reveals that it’s the boys, not the girls, who are the ones causing the queues to the bathroom.

I personally think it’s because where the girls put aside a third of their day to get ready, we lads only leave 5 Girl in minutes and then all

fight for the bathroom at once, so we go and have another beer to pass the time. We then can’t face the bathroom for at least

bra not included. another hour because our housemate Rick Shitter has picked this time to have his turd of the day and pollute the ten metre radius.

Anyway, Lynx have given us something much more construc-

Livefree4aweek.net

This week’s winner is Katelyn Boxhall who studies physiotherapy at the University of Wales, College of Medicine.

If you’re not lucky, or you can’t find the subtle difference after hours of trying, Angel Magazine is available at most good stock-

ists, or you can subscribe by calling 01536764646, or by emailing angeluk@titanemail.com.

Ten of the Best

C****mas is coming! I refuse to say the ‘C’ word on this page – do people have nothing better to do tive to do in our bedroom when with their lives than anticipate the we’re waiting for the bathroom day spent giving people presents and daren’t go in the lounge they don’t really want and stuffing because the stink has spread, their faces with turkey (it’s just a fat with this Twister double duvet cover bastard chicken!) with relatives they don’t really like? A beggar said and pillow cases.

You can even invite Merry C****mas to me several weeks ago, as if I the girls round to should be obliged to play because, of part with my money in course, they’ve this, the season of been ready for goodwill. ages.

Like the homeTo win, just send your answers to the less, bands also following question, exploit the annual celebration of conalong with your name, address and sumerism to beg for our cash by slapping mobile number, to some of their hits on a the usual address.

CD and convincing us on Closing date: end the poster and ads that it will of term. make a great C****mas present.

However, unlike last year, which How long does saw Steps and the Backstreet Boys Lynx last? squeeze out enough ‘tunes’ to fill a compilation before it was too late, this year there are actually some genuinely fine offerings from R.E.M, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Primal Scream and last and by all means least, Suede (they used to be

good).

It’s not all compilations though.

As well as the above hits collections, HMV’s Ten of the Best list includes Room on Fire by The Strokes, Body Language by Kylie, Missy Elliot’s This is not a Test, Diary of... by Alicia Keys and Spearboxxx/Love Below by Outkast.

We’re offering you the chance to win all ten. You can keep some and give others away as C****mas presents like the nice people in the adverts tell you.

Just tell us the answer to the following question: Which of the ten artists featured released the album ‘By the Way’?

Was it: a) Pink b) Kylie c) Red Hot Chilli Peppers If you’re not lucky this time, don’t forget you can get 10% off music, DVD and game purchases in-store and online at www.hmv.co.uk/students.

WINNER OF THE WEEK GERHARD KNAPP

This week Gerhard Knapp retained his World Beard and Moustache Championship title and, on the evidence of this picture, it was thoroughly deserved. How he keeps it like that when he sleeps is a mystery to me. There’s definitely a marketing opportunity though: ‘Keep it in the sack when you Knapp with Gerhard’s Hairguard.’ Have a pint on us Gerhard. You may need a straw.

WIN! A WEEK’S SUPPLY OF HEALTH

By cleaning your filthy dwelling you dirty lazy student. Cleaning products are available from all good stockists. Get off your arse and buy some.

POST-MATCH ANALYSIS

Last week’s answers and winners Air France comp Answer: c. 21 winner: Jamie Fullerton Topman Vouchers Answer: b. Diamond Winner: Alvin Lai

Malibu comp Answer: Patrick Winners: Sarah Leigh, Tim Allen, Charles Ingram.

Winners will be contacted when their prizes are ready for collection

Television

November 10 2003

Page 19

amiaminger?@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 10 November to 16 November

Return of the Jabba

Jade “Am I a minger?” Goody returns with a splash in Celebrity Wife Swap

HOT Suede splitting up Breaking news hits TV Desk smack in the mouth. Suede have finally called it a day after clinging on desperately to the tatters of their career. Bye bye boys, you won’t be missed much by us. Let’s hope they don’t get any ideas about solo careers.

SOAPS It’s the wedding, and we all know it’ll go tits-up in true Albert Square style.

EastEnders may be as predictable as bad breath after garlic baguette, but I know you’ll be glued to the TV come Friday night and egging on Alfie the way you would Mr Darcy. And it’ll bring a tear to your eye, you sentimental old dog. No, not your jap’s eye...

Anyway, expect high drama and much emotional involvement in a way that Romeo And Juliet never gave you. TV cheese maybe, but also a landmark in how sad you’ve actually become to care about fictional characters’ love lives. Which reminds me to mention the sad demise of the Scully/Hoyland union that came oh-so-close to happiness. Shame really, I kind of liked watching Steph and Max canoodle... Love from TV Holly xxx

Yes, just when you thought you were safe from the disgusting swamp donkey from BB3, she oozes back on to our screens this Tuesday.

Celebrity Wife Swap (S4C, 9.30pm) is bound to be unmissable TV with the cheating Millionaire loser Charles Ingram and Miss Piggy herself joining up for this one off special. Unsurprisingly it’s not long before Jade and Charles, and their partners Diana and Jeff, are at each others’ throats.

Apparently it builds and builds until Jade and Charles engage in verbal warfare verging on the atomic level.

Get some beers and a big bag of crisps and laugh your asses off.

Wednesday sees the return of the almost as awesome How Clean Is Your House? (C4, 8.30pm). Kim and Aggie may be horrible, horrible people, but it’s always satisfying to see houses that are worse than the own cesspit you live in yourself.

This weeks Heat includes details of some of the bits they couldn’t show including a mouldy pair of pyjamas which have never been washed and were covered in shit and urine.

Nice.

However, if you fancy a more interesting night out on Wednesday then get your good selves over to O’Neill’s next to the indoor market in town to hear Sixtyten aka TV Andy spinning some great records on the proverbial wheels of steel. It’s free to get in, the drink

DIGITAL WATCH Greetings from the world of extra leads and set-top boxes!

For those of you who can actually afford the beauty of digital/satellite, we have compiled a group of delights that’ll probably have you gagging for next week. This is to say, there ain’t a lot on, kittens. Mind you, I may just be bitter because I can’t afford the luxury of digital...my TV doesn’t even get Channel 4 or five. Sob! But enough about me...The most interesting and (questionably) watchable programme on Sky One is Brainiac (Thursday, 8pm). If you’re a bit of a geek - as I am - you really might enjoy watching this to figure out the hows and whys of the madness that ensues. For example, a human lamp is created by hooking someone up to an electricity generator and putting a lightbulb on their tongue. A reservoir is filled with jelly and attempts are made to cycle through it. Stupid, yes, unnecessary also, but bizarre enough for a look, methinks. The only thing that bothers me about this is that it’s presented by Jon Tickle. Remember him? Think about it...there. Yes, he’s the one who was evicted from Big Brother 4 then miraculously returned when the ratings started to fall. His ‘quirkiness’ may irritate some, but may endear others. The fact that I think he’s a complete twat who lost all my respect when he returned to BB shouldn’t influence you at all... See you next week! Love from TV Holly xxx

is free-flowing and it promises to be a cracking night out. Come and join us, you won’t regret it...

As someone who’s never really paid attention to it before, I’m being drawn towards Doctors (weekdays, BBC1, 2pm) at the moment, like a fat, grotesque small child to fried eggs and honking great cheesecakes. Not only is salacious tart Jude getting floozy with some saucy doctor and her dad (who used to play Rab’s friend in Rab C Nesbitt), but the storylines are getting almost too ludicrous to believe. Black doctor trapped in pothole with stinking racist, couple unable to conceive because it turns out they’re related, girl won’t give her dad a life-saving kidney transplant because he’s a filthy Birmingham City supporting pervert, etc. The way each doctor has their own episode, like a squad rotation system, is an inspired idea too.

On Saturday, we have The Junior Eurovision

Song Contest (ITV1, 7pm) which, let’s be honest here, doesn’t need any preamble, but let’s just assume it’ll be nothing short of horrific, but in a fun kind of way. Like someone being decapitated with a sharp frisbee. But then, it could easily be ruined by the fact that unlike the real Eurovision, ITV1 will probably take this seriously, and also the fact that the contestants here aren’t old enough to know better.

Watch and find out, doubting Thomases. Anyway, when your inner paedo has come out you can send it away again and remember how old you really are with a taste of shite nostalgia. Short Circuit 2 (Sunday, five, 5pm) is coming to your TVs, and to avoid it you may try, but its mesmerising filmic structure and immortal catchphrase will chain you to the box as a mistress would crucify you in her basement. Maybe.

That aside, it is actually crap, but I do love shouting “Johnny Five is alive” at the top of my voice and feeling genuinely moved by the spraypainted cardboard automaton.

And also trying to understand that really random scene when they’re trapped in a freezer and use a strange Morse code/Beach Boys singalong to get out. Curiouser and curiouser...

Oh, and before you go, have a brief wince at Distraction (Friday, 10.40pm, C4/12.45 S4C). It indulges primal needs for nudity, shit and humiliation.

Love, us xxx

VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY So then, videos to rent this week. Why I’m doing this column again this week is entirely beyond me, but there you go, drawing straws and the readers ending up with Mr Useless-With-Films telling them what to rent is clearly a fault on someone else’s part, not mine, OK? Right, this week you have the choice of a) X-Men 2, b) Kangaroo Jack, or c) Dumb And Dumberer. Not seen any of them, whoops. A) is allegedly some cartoon-turned-action movie affair with Hugh Jackman (who looks like a wolf) playing a wolf-like character, and some other hideous creatures playing cartoon figures in loads of make-up. I remember this getting a good review in gair rhydd last year, but where’s a good film writer when you need one, eh? Then we have exhibit B, Kangaroo Jack, which is a low-budget comedy farce in which a kangaroo talks to people and steals things from two stoners in a desert. Or something matching that description. Quite frankly if anybody saw offending item C when it came out, go away, but it’s the story of how Harry and Lloyd met each other in high school. It doesn't have either Jim Carrey or the other guy nobody remembers the name of in it, and basically, if every film critic who reviewed it is to be believed, is about as much fun as having your facial features sliced off with a vegetable peeler and then welded to your arse with a soldering iron. However, if that’s your cuppa, you know where your nearest Blockbuster is. Go alone.

NOT Firefighters Following the lead of those wonderful postal workers it looks like these men with their shiny yellow helmets will be standing outside their stations roasting chestnuts rather than saving our own burning nuts. The greedy fuckwits. Bring on those Green Goddesses.

SPORT More Rugby again with England hopefully having progressed at the expense of the Welsh (sorry lads). Surely an easy run out against the French and we’re almost there...

Otherwise the only terrestrial live sport you get is Bowls on Friday, BBC2. If you find yourself watching this you really need to get out the house more.

FILMS BBC1 hits the mark this week with Westworld on Tuesday (12.15am). Directed by Michael “Jurassic Park” Crichton, it follows similar territory as his dino flick, but with seedier undertones and a robotic Yul Brynner rampaging through a theme park. So good Stephen Malkmus wrote a song about it.

RADIO Brace yourself folks for a resounding cry of “You are AWFUL!” on Radio 4 this week with the start of a series profiling the life and work of Kenneth Williams.

The Private World Of Kenneth Williams (Tuesday 11:30am) aims to enravel more of the enigma that was the Carry On favourite. Featuring clips of the comic at his best on Hancock’s Half Hour and Beyond Our Ken and plenty of extracts from Williams’ diaries this should be downright hilarious listening, even if you’re not fond of his screeching tones.

Later on the same station (11pm), Three Men Went To Mow seems to be heading into the strange territory The League Of Gentlemen used to occupy on the same station. This could be the best thing ever - or utter shite. Suck it and see.

Television

Page 20

November 10 2003

hollysmistressmuff@cf.ac.uk

Monday 10 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Kilroy 10.15 Britain's Streets of Crime 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy works her charm on Lou and Harold.

Shouldn’t that be charms, considering there are two rather unmissable attractions affixed to her torso? Speaking of which, Steph has her breast lump removed.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Holiday 2004 The dirty, dirty imp Craig Doyle takes a trip into my pleasure cavern...

19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders Little Mo considers a new challenge: how to introduce Terence to the bedroom. Kat is disappointed by Alfie, as his shirt remains muted throughout the episode.

20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Holy Cross 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Holy Cross 23.05 Men Behaving Badly 23.35 FILM: Perfect Prey *** 01.15 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 02.05 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 02.35 Sign Zone: Auction Man 03.05 Sign Zone: Time Flyers 03.35 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 Let's Write a Story 11.50 Social Inclusion Dramas 12.10 See You, See Me 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 FILM: Ghosts of Berkeley Square *** 15.00 Country House 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Time Commanders 19.30 Landscape Mysteries 20.00 Theatre of Dreams 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Room 101 Boris Johnson dislikes boiled eggs.

Jesus, I actually agree with him.

21.30 Absolute Power Woo! The delight of Stephen Fry, and - I’m getting my plastic seat-protector out now JAMES LANCE. Ooh, I’ve come over all... of the office.

22.00 Early Doors The mystery over who is putting fagends in the urinals is finally solved. ‘Twas me, in a fit of animosity for this lame gash.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Flooded Britain 00.10 What the Victorians Did for Us 00.30 The Trouble with Love 01.00 Ever Wondered?

01.30 Trend Trackers 02.00 Quinze Minutes Plus 04.00 Rencontres 05.00 Working in the Community

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street As Bev questions Ciaran's commitment to Sunita, she has an immodest proposal of her own, proclaiming: “Look, I can slide down a bar stool without moving my legs!”

20.00 Tonight - Michael Nicholson Goes Back to Baghdad 20.30 Coronation Street Having been cornered by Bev, Ciaran makes a big decision about his future with Sunita.

Maya commits to Dev, but gives him an ultimatum in return: “You must dress up as a ginger clown and fist me while wearing Marigolds every third Tuesday of the month.

Or else.”

21.00 Prime Suspect 23.00 ITV News at Ten 23.30 The Premiership on Monday 00.30 Champions League Weekly 00.55 Football League Extra 01.20 Today with Des and Mel 02.10 Now and Again 03.00 Entertainment Now! 03.25 Tonight - Michael Nicholson Goes Back to Baghdad 03.50 Ghost Stories 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jimi Hendrix's Rock Shrine 19.30 FightBox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Burn It 21.45 Whine Gums 22.00 EastEnders Garry and Lynne come to an understanding. They’ll share the gloriously norked Laura over the week, and at weekends they’ll both have her. See guys, it’s all about compromise.

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Monkey Dust 23.30 They Think It's All 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 FightBox 01.00 Little Britain 01.30 Monkey Dust 02.00 Stupid Punts 02.30 The Third Degree 03.00 Art in the City 03.30 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League 21.00 Beckham's Body Parts Mmm, David’s knob cheese...

22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.05 Coronation Street 23.35 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 The Making of Matrix Revolutions 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 David Letterman 02.10

Monkey Dust BBC3 1.30am

Absolute Power BBC2 9.30pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Fact or Fiction: Robin Hood 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.25 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra Bibs has had enough of working as a cook: there’s only so much female ejaculate you can work into white sauce.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Cefn Gwlad Another chance to enjoy a classic edition of the series in which Dai Jones meets interesting countryside characters. Such as Geriant, who likes to molest geese, Sian, who likes to flick herself off atop Snowdon, and most importantly Huw, who enjoys feigning anal ruptures so he can get unsuspecting swarthy young GPs to have a look. Although how these things fulfil Welsh stereotypes, I’m not really sure.

20.30 Ffermio 21.00 Pobol y Cwm 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 No Going Back: Italy 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 MTV Europe Music Awards 2003 02.15 Will and Grace 02.40 Speed Machines 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The Lady from Yesterday ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Don breaks the news about Alf to the Bay, and all are free at last to turn the Diber into a brothel.

18.30 Family Affairs Pete is frustrated as Eileen sleeps in the spare room, and no doubt indulges her lesbian fantasies, abuses her vibrator and films everything. All while wearing a nurse’s uniform.

Poor Pete, she’s obviously a chaste mingemound for not sleeping with him.

19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 Rod's Girls 22.00 FILM: See No Evil, Hear No Evil ** 00.05 Real Sex 00.55 NFL Update 01.35 US PGA Golf Tour 02.25 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 03.15 2003 X Games 04.00 Argentinian Football

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Ross's flirting technique fails to impress a woman. I would imagine that’s because he did his ‘make my face flap like a minge’ trick.

17.30 Friends Rachel overhears a telephone message for Ross. “You’ve got a face like an 80-year-old’s fanny, and you smell like one too.”

18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Little Friends 23.00 Porn: A Family Business: Sex Toys Clearly a fair amount of their profit will come from me and Alex.

Independently, obviously. That union would be deeply wrong, in every sense of the word.

23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 Smallville02.05 Dawson's Creek 02.50 Sex and the City 03.15 Little Friends

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Forever Love ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 22.50 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos Featuring my Bondage For Beginners advisory video, which you can buy direct from www.hollysmistressmuff.cf.ac.uk, at a very reasonable 16.99 GBP. 23.20 South Park 23.50 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.50 The X Files 01.50 Angel 03.30 Shipmates 03.50 Philly 03.55 British Tribes 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C, except 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.30 4Learning 09.30 The Business. 10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 German.

11.40 Think Business. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: The Lamp Still Burns *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Dan looks for evidence to verify his story. Although telling everyone that the sheep fell onto his love gun may sound a little far-fetched...

19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Time Waits for No One 20.00 Speed Machines: Land Speed 21.00 Witness: Inside the Mind of the Suicide Bomber 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 FILM: In and Out ** Is most men’s idea of how to keep their lady happy.

00.20 FILM: Happiness **** 02.50 The Boy Next Door 03.05 Joy 03.15 Countdown 04.00 Holiday Maker 5.15 Science Bank 3

Monday 10 November

Television

November 10 2003

Page 21

I’mtoosexyformyshirt@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 11 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Kilroy 10.15 Britain's Streets of Crime 11.00 Two Minutes' Silence; Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 Byker Grove 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Susan locks horns with Izzy as the two battle to see who’s the biggest moo in the street.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Sharon is determined to find out what Den has been up to. About his elbow if I know that dirty fisting monkey.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Life of Grime 21.30 A Question of Sport: Outtakes Sue Barker presents a compilation of outtakes from the last series.

Hopefully the rumours that it’ll feature Sue and Claire Balding enjoying some strap on action are false.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Separated at Birth 23.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 00.15 FILM: Westworld With Yul Brynner. Awesome sci-fi thriller directed by Michael Crichton. See films section on front page for more info. **** 01.45 Sign Zone: SAS Survival Secrets 02.45 Sign Zone: See Hear 03.30 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies 10.25 Stingray 10.50 Images of Skye 11.00 Two Minutes' Silence; USA 2000 11.10 Coming to England 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 homeground 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Country House 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons My girlfriend bought me the entire third series on DVD for my birthday. Thank you Amy - YOU FUCKING RULE! 18.20 TOTP 2 The 400th edition of the music show features Primal Scream, the Beatles, Kenny Rogers, Muddy Waters, and Kraftwerk.

Legends, overrated/classic, twat, blues master and techno gods. Looks good today.

18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.30 Time Flyers: Fooling Hitler 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 20.30 Royal Gardeners Liz decides to give her bush a bit of a pruning, much to the delight of Phil.

21.00 Living the Dream TV Andy gets signed to Warp Records and helps redefine popular music...

21.50 Space: Flying Visits 22.00 Can't Take It with You 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Eurofighter: Weapon of Mass Construction 00.10 What the Romans Did for Us 00.30 BBC Learning Zone Another blast of !!! with I’m Too Sexy over the top gets the office dancing.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi?

16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Charity's bail hearing is rocked by a revelation that sets tongues wagging. She’s really a he.

20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.00 FILM: Rules of Engagement With Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L Jackson.

Courtroom drama based on the events of a fictional war in Yemen. Life imitating art and all, there’s a big conspiracy behind it. Directed by William Friedkin, but nowhere near his best films. 22.30 ITV News at Ten 23.00 FILM: Rules of Engagement Conclusion. 00.05 UK Asian Music Awards 2003 01.05 Nash Bridges 01.50 Today with Des and Mel 02.40 World Sport 03.05 Football League Extra 03.30 World Football 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Silver Mt Zion’s new album puts the fear of God into Riath, sending him scuttling into his kennel. So instead we get the rather fantastic Patrick Wolf album instead - cheers John.

A big up to all the crazy kids who went to the Rephlex Records night at Clwb last weekend - It was the utter bomb. REEEEWIND!

Celebrity Wife Swap S4C 11.30pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Will Kelly agree to go out with Emyr?

No, because he looks like some kind of troglodyte hippo pig. Welcome to the valleys.

20.25 Wawffactor!

21.00 Naw Tan Naw Sitcom set in a Denbighshire supermarket. “Doctor, my sides, quickly, I think they might burst.” What I won’t be saying when this is on...

21.30 Celebrity Wife Swap As if you don’t already know, this features Jade “Am I a minger?” Goody and Charles “I don’t hear any coughing” Ingham exchanging partners with hilarious consequences.

MUST SEE TV at its best.

22.30 C'mon Cymru: Taith Y Cefnogwyr 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Witness: Inside the Mind of the Suicide Bomber 01.15 FILM: Thinner ** 02.55 Trans World Sport

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Simon and Simon: Precious Cargo 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Noah is forced to put Hayley in her place. Over the kitchen table?

Or maybe up against the bathroom sink. Make the most of your house - you won’t regret it. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Dumber and Dumber 2 A kangaroo attacks a children's entertainer. Expect Skippy boxing scenes.

20.30 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver With Nicholas Parsons, Paul Ross, Linda Robson, Jeremy Spake and Sarah Cawood. I honestly hope Ross crashes and burns in his car so we never get to see his smug, baboon-like face on telly spouting shite again.

21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 The FBI Files: A Stranger in Town 23.50 La Femme Nikita 00.35 NFL Game of the Week 03.55 Dutch Football:

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jim Morrison's Rock Shrine 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? Not on your nelly. I’m as wet as paedophile in a playground.

20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust Rather good if deliberately tasteless animation series. Great theme music by Eels too.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Burn It When Andy finds out that Emma is pregnant, he wants proof that the baby isn't his. Damn straight - I haven’t been sleeping with any Manc slappers.

23.15 Sex, Warts and All The Mark Cobley story. Sorry mate, we just won’t let it lie...

23.45 Vinnie: Still Surfing USA Vinnie as part of the Beach Boys, now there’s a scary thought.

00.15 Liquid News 00.45 Burn It 01.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 02.00 Stupid Punts 02.30 The Third Degree 03.25 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Coronation Street A devastated Peter wonders if he has any future in Weatherfield. Look mate, you were terrible in Fame Academy and you’re not welcome on Corrie, so just fuck right off back to hell where you belong.

18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Marry Me 19.30 Planet's Funniest Animals Humorous video clips of pets and other animals in unusual situations.

This week featuring the IT monkeys in the GR office.

20.00 The World's Most Outrageous Weddings 21.00 Prime Suspect 23.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 00.00 Murder Reopened 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Sex and the City Carrie has more run-ins with Mr Big. Would a fnarr here be too obvious? What the hell, I’ve got space to fill: FNARR! 22.35 Daisy Daisy Daisy Donovan presents a series in which she infiltrates a number of different worlds.

In this edition, she investigates the world of the spelling bee. Probably not a patch on the excellent Spellbound but I keep being drawn to this since Daisy is obviously a dirty little minx who’d love nothing better than a hardcore rogering on camera.

Ahem! I’m sorry, I’m not sure what came over me... (You’re just hoping it was Daisy - Dep Ed.) 23.05 Bo Selecta! 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.05 Sex and the City 02.40 The West Wing 03.20 Celebrity Five Go Dating

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Children of the Bride ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Homer's popularity skyrockets when he is chosen as the leader of a secret organisation.

“Now this is what we call the paddling of the swollen ass.”

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons Homer becomes a professional boxer when doctors discover he was born with a unique genetic condition that protects his brain from injury.

20.30 The Simpsons Whacking Day, Featuring the subtle delights of Barry White.

21.00 FILM: Trading Places Eddie Murphy actually really funny shock.

Certainly not the worst thing on TV tonight. **** 23.10 Super Fires 00.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 The X Files 02.00 Angel 02.50 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.40 Cribs 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Jamaica 9.45 Tales from Wales. 10.00 Drugs Yes please. This week focusing on cake. 10.25 Growing Up Gay The Michael Portillo story. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery. 11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: A Pair of Briefs Horror film about a pair of Riath’s killer underpants. ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Time Waits for No One 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Celebrity Wife Swap 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Ex-Rated Documentary looking at what happens to a couple when, just months ahead of their wedding, a collection of their previous partners are invited to stay with them for three days at a hotel. What kind of muppet would agree to take part in this? I doubt they’ll be getting married after the stay.

Particularly when Dave’s passion for Samoan pygmies becomes apparent.

23.45 The Armando Iannucci Shows Damn funny and worth a look. Surreal genius. 00.15 The Secret Life of Us 01.10 The Corner 02.20 Enterprise 03.05 Stargate SG-1 03.50 R Mertonensis 04.00 4Learning

Westworld BBC1 12.15am

Tuesday 11 November

Television

Page 22

November 10 2003

ComeSeeMeDJ@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 13 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Kilroy 10.15 Britain's Streets of Crime 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Get Your Own Back 16.35 That's Genius!

17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sky and Boyd share their first kiss. I bet they use tongues and everything - FNARR! Toadie and Connor meet the Mob. Featuring guest appearances from Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci and Fat Tony from The Simpsons.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Innovation Nation 19.30 Animal Hospital 20.00 Only Fools and Horses 21.25 The Food Police Special 21.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Imagine A world without Jim Davidson, Jamie Oliver and Michael Douglas.

How happy would we be?

More than you could ever dream of.

23.30 FILM: Breast Men With David Schwimmer and Chris Cooper acting like a couple of tits. ** 01.05 Sign Zone: ONE Life 01.45 Sign Zone: What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 02.15 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt I wonder what “cheap as chips” is in sign language? 02.45 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 03.15 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Anthony Ant 07.30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.35 Stingray 11.00 What the Victorians Did for Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: The Hellfire Club ** 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Colonel Homer.

18.20 TOTP 2 Guest Merrill Osmond looks back over the career of the Osmonds, with songs from the brothers alongside Donny, Marie and Little Jimmy. Alltogether now: “KERRRAZEEE HORRRSES, NEAGHHHH! NEAGGGHHHH!” The office goes a bit nuts to the delightful Mormons.

8.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.30 The Money Game: Football's Cash Crisis Despite apparent wealth, most English football teams are severely financially stretched. “Leeds are up shit creek without a paddle, a boat or a hope in hell,” proffers Sports Desk.

20.00 Five Things I Hate About You 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Million Pound Property Experiment 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: To Mars by A-Bomb

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale Eddie cooks up another scam. His burgers laced with crack go down a storm with the primary school kids.

19.30 Coronation Street Martin encourages Katy to act her age as he gets his kicks watching schoolgirls in kilts.

20.00 The Bill New DC Terry Perkins tries to stop a convicted paedophile re-offending. Guest starring Riath AlSamarrai.

21.00 The National Music Awards 2003 An awards show so vapid and pointless it makes The Brits look like the pinnacle in musical achievement. Expect toxic shite like Busted and S Club 8 to be present and rammed full of gak. It’s almost enough to lose your faith in music.

Then I stick DJ Rupture’s Gold Teeth Thief Mix on the stereo and everything seems right with the world.

23.00 ITV News at Ten 23.30 Family 00.30 Redcoats 00.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.25 FILM: Stolen Women The day Riath raided the special school. ** 02.55 FILM: Gaolbreak * 03.55 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Breast Men BBC1 11.30pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.25 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.35 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm How will Cassie and Beryl cope with living with each other again?

Rutting like stags for a fortnight I reckon.

20.25 Dudley 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 22.00 Property Ladder 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Sex Rules: Third Party Investigating threesomes.

Who would the members of the office invite? “Angelina Jolie” - TV Holly. “One man and his dog” - Riath, missing the point entirely. “Cobley,” shouts Tristan on the phone when asked. “You” - TV John.

I’m very, very scared now and will write the rest of my column from inside the locked editor’s office. Mummy!

00.15 Ex-Rated 01.15 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 FILM: Farewell, My Lovely A shepherd has to cull the sheep he loves. Touching Welsh drama. *** 04.30 The Last White Kids Ooh - a bit racial...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Dream Holiday Home 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: The Babysitter's Seduction ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dylan moves into the palace.

What Her Majesty thinks of this I don’t know.

18.30 Family Affairs Jake's behaviour after being released from jail disturbs Lucy when she drops the soap in the shower.

19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Extreme... Adventure Emergencies 21.00 FILM: Unlawful Entry With Kurt Russell and Ray Liotta. If these two were the only characters then this would probably be some highly disturbing porn film.

However Madeline Stowe also is present so a threesome is on the cards. *** 23.10 Murder Detectives: Case Files 00.10 Arrest and Trial 00.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Dallas Stars v Detroit Red Wings 04.45 Motorsport Mundial 05.10 European Drag Racing Championships 05.35 Fastrax

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 John Lennon's Rock Shrine 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 Robbie Williams - A Very British Cowboy That should read a Very British Twat. DIE YOU PARASITIC WASTE OF OXYGEN. DIE. DIE. 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 FILM: Primal Fear Gripping courtroom drama with Richard Gere defending retarded altar boy Ed Norton who is accused of murdering a priest who abused him.

Keeps you guessing before reaching a chilling climax.

(Like all the best altar boys Dep Ed.) **** 23.35 Sex, Warts and All USA Documentary series.

00.05 Liquid News 00.35 Casino 01.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 02.00 Stupid Punts 02.30 The Third Degree 03.30 Liquid News

09.25 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Chart Choice 18.00 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question 20.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 21.00 Holiday Showdown The Glass family take control on a camping trip to Cornwall which leaves them shattered... (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

22.00 Prime Suspect 00.05 Coronation Street 00.35 Airline 01.05 The Joy of Decks 01.35 Jerry Springer 02.20 Late Show with David Letterman 03.10 Teleshopping 04.10 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends Monica and Chandler get lucky in the casino in more ways than one.

18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Perfect Match USA 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Distraction Jimmy Carr presents the comic game show where contestants must answer general knowledge questions whilst attempting to complete some by bizarre challenges. Hopefully this one will feature the contestants being asked questions while they urinate in a set of stalls.

Funnier than it sounds.

23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.05 Sex and the City 02.40 Little Friends 03.05 Perfect Match USA Pamela Anderson and two Goodyear Blimps.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Baby of the Bride ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Reality TV Stars Behaving Badly 22.00 Sex on the Beach Not recommended if there’s sand in the vag.

23.00 The Villa Fly-on-the-wall documentary of Birmingham’s famous club. This week Alpay and Angel get friendly over the team disco while Doug Ellis is run over by 11 suspicious looking cars.

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 Philly 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-a-Tat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion 3. 10.10 Natural Hazards. 10.25 Making It. 10.35 Extra 3.

11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Improving City Schools.

11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 Supporting Acts 12.50 Cheers 13.20 FILM: Seventh Cavalry *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Izzy is shocked that Ben doesn't want his mother at the wedding. Yet another bizarre threesome. Is TV bigamy mad at the moment? 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Time Waits for No One 20.00 Location, Location, Location Revisited 20.30 How Clean Is Your House? 21.00 No Going Back: Bergerac 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Sex Rules 23.15 FILM: The Astronaut's Wife ** 01.20 Freesports on 4: National Adventure Sports Show 01.50 Speedway Review 02.50 World Rally Omnibus:

The National Music Awards ITV1 9pm

Wednesday 13 November

Television

November 10 2003

Page 23

let’stalkaboutsexbaby@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 13 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Kilroy 10.15 Britain's Streets of Crime 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors See Pick of the Week.

14.35 Bergerac 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 New Scooby Doo Mysteries Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 Byker Grove The Grovers perform their charity show, Geordie Grease Lightning.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Jack is worried about Steph's state of mind.

Although looking at Edwina and Jack’s obsession with genitalia, you have to wonder if he’s worrying about the wrong mind here.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Bargain Hunt This week, from New York. Four cab drivers have an hour to find a bargain, before auctioning their finds. Or “milking a dying goat” as it’s more commonly known.

19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Superstars 21.00 Airport: Edinburgh 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.55 FILM: The Big Bus Crap sounding spoof disaster film ** 02.20 Sign Zone: In the Line of Fire with John Simpson: A Panorama Special 03.35 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Super Rupert 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 Watch 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Focus Citizenship 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Indoor Bowls 15.30 Escape to the Country 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer The gang take Spike prisoner following his murder spree, and Willow brings in Andrew after spotting him buying blood. For a town so close to the gateway to hell, you’d think a shop selling blood would be unadvisable, but then, you wouldn’t call it Sunnydale either.

19.00 As BBC2 19.30 Counties of Wales: Glamorganshire 20.00 Escape to the Country 21.00 Horizon: The Big Chill 21.50 The Rise and Fall 22.00 QI 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Peacemakers 00.20 What the Victorians Did for Us 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Science Shack 01.00 Rough Science 01.30 Lab Detectives 01.50 What Have the 70s Ever Done for Us? 02.00 Maiden Flights This week, Bruce Dickinson tries his hand at paragliding off the coast of Norfolk.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Charity plays a dangerous game and soon regrets her actions.

That’ll be the last time she plays “advanced cactus dildo wars”, then.

19.30 Your Century 20.00 The Bill Phil's secret daughter is abducted. By a secret paedophile in a secret car and taken to a mysterious non-existent secret house somewhere or other. Well, they started it.

21.00 Holiday Showdown A bit like Living With The Enemy, only taking place on a double decker bus and not featuring any sacrilegious Cradle Of Filth fans.

22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Follow the Fans Dubious “documentary” following Welsh rugby fans in Australia watching some rugby. Expect limited post-sundown footage.

23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Great Escapes 00.05 The Joy of Decks 00.30 Love Match 00.55 Turn On Terry 01.20 Dare to Believe 01.45 CD:UK 02.40 The Machine 03.05 Cybernet 03.30 Motorsport UK 03.55 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Patsy Cline's Rock Shrine Apparently, she’s buried in Winchester, Virginia.

Obviously not Winchester, England, because people have heard of her.

19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? In a word - no.

20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Brief History 21.30 Leonardo's Amazing Inventions Twat. Da Vinci is the inventor equivalent of those people in your class who always did ALL their homework to the best of their ability and then went “ah, my work’s rubbish, I bet it get a crap mark,” knowing full well they’ll get an A. The Mona Lisa’s crap, too.

22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Dancing in the Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale.

19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice Two of this week's top music videos.

20.00 Airline 20.30 Airline Strippers the Dreamboys have an impromptu show for the ladies at check-in. Yeah, I’m sure they “had” to as well.

21.00 FILM: Mission: Impossible II ** Crap sequel to film that was shit anyway.

23.15 Beckham's Body Parts 00.15 Jerry Springer

The Simpsons Sky One 7.30pm

Hollow Man five 22.10 pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie This week’s “What the fuck?” award goes to... Who’s Eddie? Why does he have a hotel? etc., etc. 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Wawffactor!

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm There is justice for Diane and good news for Kath about Stacey.

20.25 Welsh in a Week 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Slaymaker With someone who genuinely seems to be called Gary Slaymaker.

Only in Wales...

22.30 Fideo Mondo 23.05 V Graham Norton .

23.45 Daisy Daisy Daisy 00.15 Scrubs 00.45 Cutting Edge 01.45 Freesports on 4: NASS Peterborough 02.10 Speedway Grand Prix 03.10 FILM: I Don't Want to Be Born * Judging by the completely awful day I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t in actuality.

However, this film, with Joan Collins, about a stripper who gives birth to a satanic, demonic child, has made it much, much better.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours If the house featured in this program was like mine, it would make pretty poor televisual viewing. That is, it would involve fuzzy pictures of festering food and decaying, stinking wet clothes everywhere. 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic This week: turning your toaster into a herd of elephants, and making a small hatstand disappear into a puff of smoke.

10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Beyond the Prairie *** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Jake is cheered up by Lucy. Lucky Jake. Fnarr.

19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys With Richard “Sniff this” Bacon.

20.00 FILM: Class Action 22.10 FILM: Hollow Man “Good in the way that anyone doing The Invisible Man where he turns out to be a serial killer would be” - TV Andy. ** 00.25 G-string Divas 00.45 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.35 Dutch Football: FC Volendam v Feyenoord 03.00 Argentinian Football 04.25 Argentinian Football

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire 22.00 Six Feet Under 23.10 Queer as Folk 23.55 V Graham Norton 00.35 The Salon 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.25 The Michael Essany Show 02.45 Six Feet Under Oh god, I like to think I’m OK at making boring things sound interesting, but seriously today on E4 is beyond me. So I’m going out on to the roof to think of inspiration on how to fill up this gaping void. While I’m there, I’ll probably have some black coffee, and stare at those cranes which light up on the far side of town. Maybe there’ll be some fireworks, and... thank fuck.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The XFiles 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Deadly Pursuits ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons The best EVER episode, where Homer enrols at Krusty’s Clown College.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse With Jon “No one cares who you are now” Tickle.

21.00 Fear Factor UK 22.00 Scare Tactics 22.30 Uncut!

23.00 Naked Angels in Beach Paradise No prizes for guessing this is a game show set on a beach with at least half-naked ladies, since it’s on Sky One. 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X-Files 01.50 Angel

As S4C except: 06.00 Ivor the Engine . 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Physical Processes 3.

9.50 Maths Mansion 3.

10.10 Arrows of Desire.

10.35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch.

11.00 The Hoobs - Crumbs.

11.25 The Virtual Body.

11.45 Living and Growing 3.

12.30 Water Stories. 12.35 Cheers. 13.05 FILM: Adam and Evelyne ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 18.30 Hollyoaks Izzy poses for Kristian but then has to explain herself to Ben. Tart.

19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Time Waits for No One. 20.00 Tales from River Cottage 20.30 French Leave 21.00 Ancient Egyptians: The Battle of the Megiddo 22.40 Daisy Daisy. 23.15 Wife Swap 00.20 Top Ten TV - Kings of Soap Not Den Watts. He sucks. 01.50 KOTV 02.20 Porschei 02.45 Honda Formula 4-Stroke Powerboat Championship Welsh Grand Prix. 03.10 03.40 G4 Global Challenge.

04.10 Trans World Sport.

Thursday 13 November

Television

Page 24

November 10 2003

annualgangbang@cf.ac.uk

Friday 14 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.15 Kilroy 10.15 Britain's Streets of Crime 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Rugrats 16.35 The Ghosthunter 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy strokes Karl's ego, and he offers her a free breast examination.

Tensions escalate between Max and Joe, culminating in a tussle of no small homoerotic repercussions.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Alfie risks life and limb as he takes decisive action in order to win Kat from TV Andy. And just in the nick of time: I can hear an erstwhile TV Amy storming up the aisle to fulfil the immortal position of creating an impediment to the sneaky, double-crossing nuptial.

20.30 All about Me 21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross His guests are Ricky Gervais, actress Leslie Ash and Kings Of Leon.

Respectively: fatty fatty toad boy of generally hilarious proportions, trout-pout now recovered, and big-haired monarchs.

23.25 Meet My Folks 00.20 FILM: North Star ** 01.45 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Angelmouse 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision Yeuch, the scariest men in the world are here to tickle your chucklebox, children... 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Round the Twist 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Indoor Bowls 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Simpsons 18.40 The Simpsons Ooh, look! A veritable threesome of delight as you prepare your stinky little carcasses for whatever debauchery people with lives indulge in on Friday nights. TV Desk is slowly robbing me of my will to live...

19.00 FightBox 19.30 Time Flyers: SuperRich Roman Britain 20.00 Small Town Gardens 20.30 Moscow Red 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Timewatch: The Mystery of the Missing Ace 22.20 The Rise and Fall Hopefully Craig David and Sting won’t be guesting...

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Travis, Love with Arthur Lee, The Distillers and Hot Club of Cowtown. Good thing I’ll be too drunk to shout abuse at the TV then.

00.35 The X Files 01.20 FILM: The Funeral *** 03.00 National Test

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Food Show 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Fingertips 16.20 You Can Do Magic 16.30 All Grown Up! 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Andy's loyalties to his brother are tested when Denise returns for Daz. Hmm, I was starting to wonder about TV Andy’s increased absenteeism...

19.30 Coronation Street Kirk is feeling left out as Les plays happy families with Cilla. Er, why has Cilla Black put her greying granny fanny into all of this?

20.00 House of Horrors 20.30 Airline 21.00 POW 22.00 The Frank Skinner Show Michael Moore, Robert Downey Jr and Michael Stipe.

Sea of piss-flaps.

22.50 ITV Weekend News 23.20 A Month With January 23.50 Coast to Coast 00.25 Rugby World Cup 2003 00.55 FILM: National Lampoon's Movie Madness* Three comedy shorts parodying ‘personal growth' films, soap operas and police movies. Yanks taking the piss out of themselves... what could be better?

02.30 ITV at the Festivals 03.25 Mixmasters 03.50 Entertainment Now! 04.20 World Football 04.45 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Double Entry Sky One 11.30am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces from Cheltenham 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Dudley 20.30 Pobol y Cwm Will Diane accept the rugby club's offer and will Hywel keep his job at the brewery? Probably. I can’t be bothered to care.

21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 21.30 How Clean Is Your House? Dear tenants of Robert Street: this could easily be about us. I know I’m obsessive-compulsive, but please stop leaving raw meat and eggs on everything. I would like to survive this year, considering I paid all my tuition fees in advance.

22.00 Grand Designs 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 Dirty Sanchez 00.15 The Pilot Show Herein, a gem! I haven’t seen this yet but am genuinely excited (this doesn’t happen often, apart from when I receive my orders from filthybrazenwhore.com).

00.45 Distraction Teethachingly bad, but nudity.

01.15 FILM: The Hitcher *** 02.55 Namibia Challenge 03.55 Stroke Powerboat Championship 04.20 The Porsche Carrera Cup 04.45 Unreported World

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 FILM: When the Cradle Falls ** 16.25 Open House with Gloria Hunniford: Celebrity Special 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Jake and Brendan come to blow jobs. Tanya picks up the pieces after Babs leaves.

Because no doubt those norks have messed up the cushions in a very annoying way. And that face would have made the cats sick.

19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday 21.00 FILM: The Dirty Dozen *** 23.55 Boomtown 00.45 FILM: Miss Evers' Boys** Now there was I thinking up something scary and slightly crude to say on mistress, but apparently this is very moving. Well, get them and their sensitivity. 02.45 FILM: Gunbus* 04.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 High School Reunion 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Jerry Garcia's Rock Shrine 19.30 FightBox 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Grease Monkeys 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 EastEnders Alfie risks life and limb as he takes decisive action in order to win Kat from Andy. Now look, TV Andy, I’ve already told you that monogamy is the only way to keep your lady sweet (well, there are other ways, but I shy away from doling out sex advice to people I shouldn’t picture having sex).

22.30 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.00 What Not to Wear 23.30 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 00.25 Celebdaq 00.55 The Third Degree 01.50 Stupid Punts 02.20 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 03.20 Celebdaq

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Movies Now 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 The Joy of Decks 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp Topical, but utter shite.

23.30 UK Asian Music Awards 2003 00.30 Pop Idol Extra 01.50 Jerry Springer 02.35 David Letterman 03.25 Teleshopping 04.25 Trisha Extra 04.50 Judge Judy

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Despite Phoebe's admonitions, Ross makes a drastic decision about Rachel. That she has a chin like Bruce Forsyth and a minge that could swallow a cruise ship whole, p’raps?

How the fuck she got Brad I don’t know. Maybe she has three tits.

17.30 Friends 18.00 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Celebrity Wife Swap 22.00 Money Can't Buy You Love but it can buy you sex, and you know that’s the better option. Unless it’s with an inept, small-dicked, sweaty man who thinks a clitoris is a type of racing car.

23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.10 The Salon 00.40 Hollyoaks 01.10 The Secret Life of Us 02.05 The Secret Life of Us 02.50 Celebrity Wife Swap

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Joshua's Heart ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me 22.00 Angel 23.00 Unofficial World Records of Sex Riath: “Well I’d definitely be in the sprinter end of this rather than the marathon run anyway.” I try not to think about this statement too much, and encourage you to do the same.

Maybe next year I’ll compete in the Annual Gang Bang and get myself famous...

23.30 Double Entry 00.00 Mile High 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Angel 03.30 Philly 04.20 Cream 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Brain Box. 10.20 What's So Good about Malorie Blackman. 10.35 What's This Channel 4?

11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Extra 3. 11.50 Making It. 11.55 Quit: Family Habit.

12.30 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks Ben makes a mistake on the wedding invitations and is still jealous of Kristian. Presumably of his witty ability to spell his name with a ‘K’.

19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 The Art Show 20.00 Unreported World: The Children's War 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Scrubs 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Distraction 23.15 The Pilot Show 00.15 Coldplay - Live in Sydney 01.20 Sound Travels 01.40 FILM: Burnt by the Sun **** 04.00 L'Interview 04.20 La Mule 04.30 Countdown

What Not To Wear BBC3 11pm

Friday 14 November

Television

November 10 2003

Page 25

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 15 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.10 Boxing 13.40 Rugby Union: World Cup News 13.45 Rugby Union: Gloucester v London Irish 15.45 Match of the Day Live: Russia v Wales 17.55 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18.15 Celebrity Dog School 19.00 Here Comes the Sun 19.50 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.25 Casualty 21.15 BBC News; Weather 21.35 Parkinson With Judi “One character (The miserable old woman) actress” Dench, Peter “No-one thought I was funny BEFORE Phoenix Nights so why am I now?”

Kay and some celebrity zoo woman. With music from Will “must be sniggering at how rubbish this years Pop Idol contestants are” Young 22.35 Billy Connolly: A Bafta Tribute If anyone didn’t deserve one of these, it’s old purple beard. He’s not even dead yet!

23.45 FILM: Cutthroat Island ** Supermegaultra crap pirate fodder made even worse in hindsight by the existence of Pirates of the Caribbean, the closest we’ve got to Monkey Island - the movie yet, as I’ve said before.

01.40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.35 A Question of Sport 03.05 Top of the Pops 03.35 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food?

12.00 See Hear 12.45 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 13.15 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 14.05 Watching the Detectives: Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.35 Watching the Detectives: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.30 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 17.00 The Great War: The Hell where Youth and Laughter Go 17.40 Steptoe and Son 18.05 Euro 2004: Extra Time Simultaneous phone-in on radio and television talking about the more-than-likely defeat against Russia. But then, the Kossacks almost always screw up, and their fans model themselves on English fans, so you know what to expect there.

18.55 Miss Marple: At Bertram's Hotel An adaptation of a book I hold close to my heart, purely because there was a copy of it my primary school library, and it had a comedy picture of a man with a pipe on the front, looking very suave. Thinking about it now, it wasn’t that funny, but quite space-filling.

20.45 The Good Life 21.15 The Big Read: Top 21 With Alistair McGowan talking about Wuthering Heights, and no doubt doing impressions of David Beckham because Becks is the only person available to Al with even less of a personality.

22.45 Have I Got a Little Bit More News for You 23.25 Room 101 23.55 Indoor Bowls 01.00 FILM: Ed Wood **** 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: English 1 - Macbeth

06.00 GMTV 08.50 Rugby World Cup 2003 11.30 On the Ball 12.00 CD:UK 13.00 CD:UK 13.30 ITV News; Weather 13.35 HTV News and Weather 13.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 14.45 SMTV Gold 16.50 My Parents Are Aliens 17.20 HTV News and Weather 17.35 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.50 Pop Idol Finally saw this last week, and I’d like to take the time to thank the population of the UK for voting out that soppy talentless Irish fuck last week. It cheered me up no end in a time of (lurgee related) crisis.

19.00 Junior Eurovision Song Contest 2003 See Pick of The Week. “Paedogeddon” TV Andy.

21.05 Pop Idol Results 21.35 Single 22.35 ITV Weekend News 22.50 FILM: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery **** Godawful “comedy” proving Mike Myers isn’t really all that different from Jim Carrey, except that Carrey tends to only ever make one shoddy sequal to his films.

With Liz “I gave birth to The Omen and I don’t mean Hugh Grant’s Career” Hurley.

00.35 The Frank Skinner Show 01.25 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.55 The District 02.40 Protest Songs Forever More than likely to include that Bob Dylan song, that other Bob Dylan song, another Bob Dylan song and U2 doing some boring Northern Ireland shite. 03.35 CD:UK Hotshots 04.00 Turn On Terry 04.25 Entertainment Now! Last weeks edition of this was utterly brilliant. Bet you missed it. 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

The Moment of Impact five 20.20pm

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Gatorade Iron Man Triathlon Isn’t Gatorade like Panda Pops? Or am I thinking too much about corner-shop gluco-tastic products? 07.30 Scrapheap Challenge 08.30 In Your Face 08.45 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 11.00 Scrapheap Challenge With Robert “I actually look weirder without Kryten’s head on” Llewellyn 12.00 Andromeda 12.55 Smash Hits Chart 13.25 Channel 4 attheraces 15.40 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: Russia v Wales 18.05 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 19.05 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.20 Cerddorion y Fyddin Goch Another chance to see the performances of the legendary Red Army Chorus and Dance Ensemble of Moscow at Llangollen's International Eisteddfod 2000. Surely not the most appropriate item to show, less than three hours after Wales finish playing Russia in order to qualify for Euro 2004. Nice one.

20.20 Noson Lawen 21.20 Naw Tan Naw 21.50 Brits Go to Hollywood 22.50 FILM: The Exorcist **** Not-that-scary scary film. Although I once saw a documentary on the making of The Exorcist, and believe me, THAT was scary. Ouija Board, Ouija Board.

01.10 FILM: Jagged Edge *** 03.00 Heroes of Comedy With Lee Evans, Jethro, and Jim Davidson.

Not. 04.30 G4 Global Challenge 2003 04.55 KOTV Go away.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 FAQ 06.35 Michaela's Wild Challenge 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake!

08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 USA High 14.20 Flaunt Chart Show 14.55 Home and Away Omnibus 17.00 FILM: The MoonSpinners *** 19.10 five news and sport 19.25 Charmed 20.20 The Moment of Impact 21.15 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.10 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 23.05 Law and Order 00.05 FILM: Forgotten Sins Number 45: Shellsuits, and Number 46: Little and Large.

01.40 Boxing Classic 02.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Kelvin Davis v Louis Azille 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing Yum yum, it’s been a good week for music. Namely Things We Lost in the Fire by Low, and The Greatest Hits of A-ha. but also the utterly great new Something Corporate album, the unique and barking Patrick Wolf, and the haunting and rebellious protest song masquerading as the new Busted single.

Actually, it’s not been that great. But the Low song “Sunflowers” is very, very, beautiful, and somehow appropriate this week. What am I on about?

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Superstars 20.00 FightBox Pathetic fighing game show with robots for stinking geeks.

21.00 FILM: Virus ** 22.30 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions According to a documentary I was listening to on Monday, the man Keanu is a well balanced individual with lots of valuable insights into the philosophies of life. Even though the same documentary also highlighted the unconfirmed rumour that Larry Wachowski is a transsexual that calls himself Lara, so none of that may be strictly true, but still, if Keanu is a philosophical genius, then he obviously won’t spend his money on anything fun, like big yachts filled with jam, and chickens with three heads, so this program will be boring as anything.

23.25 Little Britain 23.55 Monkey Dust 00.25 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 00.55 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 01.55 Celebdaq 02.25 FightBox 03.25 Little

09.25 SMTV Gold 11.25 Coronation Street Omnibus 13.50 Planet's Funniest Animals 14.15 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 15.20 Airline 15.50 Airline 16.20 Pop Idol Extra 17.50 Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed With the `Masked Magician' who quite blatantly isn’t a famous magician, but some chancer who discovered a book and now thinks he’s great because he can tell us that you make elephants disappear but using...mirrors. Yeah, nice one.

18.50 Movies Now 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.05 Pop Idol Extra 21.05 Great Escapes 21.35 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.05 Million Dollar Babes Antonia tries out a new girl at a glamorous party on a yacht. Fnarr on a yacht.

22.35 Office Monkey 23.05 The Making of Matrix Revolutions 23.35 Pop Idol 00.40 Pop Idol Extra 01.40 Pop Idol Results 02.10 Pop Idol Extra -

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.30 Friends 18.00 Friends 18.30 G Girls 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Peter Kay's Pheonix Nights 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.00 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.35 Joe Millionaire 23.25 E Graham Norton 00.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.00 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.55 Joe Millionaire 02.40 Star Trek Yeah, Phoenix Nights is pretty good, but is it six-episodes-a-night pretty good? Is it? No. And three episodes of Friends certainly isn’t condonable. People cretinous enough to watch Friends are equally cretinous enough to have bought every season on video anyway.

Preposterously overrated sitcom anyway, you might as well watch Breast Men with David Schwimmer, on Wednesday, it sounds like your sort of thing. Is E Graham Norton any different to V Graham Norton? I’m now going to irritate our proof readers: omgdkfngiutjknkjlfnsdfkgjhesrgtlker5mntlkjwenmglkdmglkdfmlkmlkms-

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor UK 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Reality TV Stars Behaving Badly Yeah, like this program needs to be made. I’d say they were behaving pretty badly as human beings in the first place, to get the label “Reality TV Stars” 23.00 When Sex Goes Wrong Number 346: Mistaking water bed for crouching giant fanged tortoise.

23.30 Double Entry 00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 01.50 Surviving the Moment of Impact Not to be confused with “The Moment of Impact” on five earlier today. This appears to be about the after effects02.40 Double Entry 03.05 Shipmates 03.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation

As S4C except: 06.00 The Clangers 07.30 G4 Global Challenge 2003 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years Drama 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 12.25 T4: Smash Hits Chart 12.55 Friends 16.10 FILM: Khartoum *** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: Germany's Last Gamble 20.00 Seven Ages of Britain: Making the Land 21.05 Brits Go to Hollywood 22.05 FILM: Rain Man **** 00.40 FILM: Blue Juice Completely rubbish surfing film my sister used to video every time it was on purely because surfing was cool at the time, and then never watched it. I, however, did and I certainly didn’t feel any cooler. *** 02.30 Brazilian Football Championship 04.15 For Your Love 04.40 For Your Love 05.05 Norm Everyone’s favourite sitcom about a former hockey player doing community service, and also the only reason I like writing the pages for Saturday. This week, Norm dates an older woman.

Sounds suspiciously like a storyline every American sitcom since the dawn of time has covered, so it’s good to know the writers of Norm have their bases covered. 05.30 Countdown

Surviving The Moment of Impact Sky One 1.50pm

Saturday 15 November

Television

Page 26

November 10 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 16 November BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 'Allo 'Allo!

13.25 FILM: Escape to Athena ** 15.20 EastEnders 17.15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.40 Songs of Praise 18.15 Antiques Roadshow A granny has her hairy purse valued at five pence. Oh sorry, I read that listing wrongly. It should have said: a granny has her hairy purse valued and Michael Aspel finds her pink 5p. I bet she’d been waiting all seventy-nine years of her life for that moment.

19.00 Walking with Sea Monsters: Into the Jaws of Death 19.30 Holiday 2004 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Charles II: The Power and the Passion 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: A Carer's Story 22.55 On Show 23.25 Match of the Day 00.10 FILM: When Saturday Comes ** It usually comes with a stinking hangover and bad TV. 01.45 Sign Zone: What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us 02.15 Sign Zone: The Great British Jobs Takeaway 02.45 Sign Zone: Design Rules 03.15 Joins BBC News 24 Zzz, today I’m feeling highly evil. I think it may be the case of minge malady that I think is coming my way. Look out, freshers! I’m diseased stock. And with that medical revelation I think it’s safe to say that I have filled the space beautifully.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 TazMania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Wildlife on Two 13.10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 13.40 Sunday Grandstand 13.45 Racing from Haydock 13.55 The Road to Athens: World Indoor Rowing Championships 14.05 Racing from Haydock 14.25 Mark Williams Feature 14.35 Racing from Haydock 14.55 Indoor Bowls 16.50 Rugby League Highlights 17.45 Euro 2004: One Foot in the Algarve 18.30 Stately Stoats Nature documentary, narrated by Bill Oddie, following the exploits of a female stoat trying to raise a family in the grounds of Kedleston Hall, one of Derbyshire's finest stately homes. And yet this only lasts for ten minutes.

18.40 Living with Elephants 19.10 Natural World: Tigers of the Emerald Forest 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 Louis, Martin and Michael Louis Theroux sets out on a personal quest to meet pop idol Michael Jackson and to examine the often bizarre world that surrounds the superstar.

22.20 Coupling 22.50 Gimme Gimme Gimme Eugh, evil ginger.

23.20 Dowry Cops 00.05 Red Dwarf III 00.35 Boxing: Marco Antonio Barrera v Manny Pacquiao 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: English 2 - Poetry 04.00 Languages: Spanish Journey Part 1 05.00 Make Your Mark: Planning Your Future

06.00 GMTV 08.50 Rugby World Cup 2003 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 HTV News and Weather 14.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.00 Girls in Love 15.30 FILM: Casper Meets Wendy ** 17.15 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

17.30 Tidy 18.00 ITV News; Weather 18.20 Costa Living 18.50 New You've Been Framed!

19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street As Tommy reaches boiling point, Angela makes a momentous decision, and swallows for the first time in her (adult) life.

On the eve of their bizarre wedding, an anxious Roy and Tracy attempt to enjoy their last day of freedom, getting all the least offensive STIs for each other’s wedding gifts.

20.00 The Royal 21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The Adventure of English Series tracing how an obscure tribal dialect - English - became a language spoken by millions around the world.

Presented by Melvyn Bragg.

Did you know that the word that rhymes with punt and means minge actually comes from the word ‘quaint’?

Makes it even more imperative for TV desk to be allowed to use the word in question.

It’s not offensive, it’s twee!

00.15 It's My Life 01.00 Trisha 02.00 Surviving the Wild 02.45 Present Time 03.10 FILM: Cover Girl Killer ** 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Louis, Martin and Michael BBC2 9.00pm

S4C

five

06.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 07.15 Hollyoaks Omnibus 08.45 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 11.00 Hollyoaks 11.30 Hollyoaks 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Postmodern Pastimes 13.15 Channel 4 attheraces from Cheltenham 15.30 G Girls 16.00 Maniffesto 16.30 Xtra Omnibws 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws An omnibus of the week's events in Cwmderi.

19.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd Gareth Roberts presents highlights of today's semi-final in the Rugby World Cup. 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Religious magazine programme hosted

by Huw Llywelyn Davies.

21.00 Pwy Ysgrifennodd y Testament Newydd?

22.05 Newyddion 22.20 FILM: The Ninth Gate ** Supernatural thriller about a sleazy book dealer endeavouring to locate a rare occult work. The dealer is hired by a wealthy bibliophile to locate the two remaining copies of a 17th-century book. As he travels from New York to Madrid and Paris, he learns that the book is rumoured to have been written by the Devil and to contain the key to conjuring him up. I want to see this, if only so I can see something nice when I close my eyes and am spliced wide open.

00.45 The Queen's Lost Uncle 01.45 FILM: Peeping Tom **** 03.35 Brazilian Football Championship

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Beachcomber Bay 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 A House That's Just like Yours 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Madonna and Child 13.45 FILM: Peggy Sue Got Married **** 15.40 Dream Holiday Home 16.15 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 16.45 five news and sport 17.00 FILM: Short Circuit 2 ** Johnny Five is alive!

Whoopee!

19.00 Robot Wars 20.00 Monkey Magic Four magicians perform their sleight of hand in new and unusual ways. Today, they do magic with fire and compete to see who can endure the most pain. For example, they insert as many wands as possible into their rectums and see who magically makes the most anal gravy.

20.30 Movie Mistakes 21.00 FILM: My Cousin Vinny*** 23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.15 Alias 00.35 ITU Triathlon: Portugal 01.05 Golf - The Challenge: Madeira and Morocco 01.25 NFL Live 05.00 Major League Soccer

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Wild Weather: Wet As well as visiting the wettest places in Europe and the world, Donal finds out about the devastating effects of floods and the route of the Thermohaline Conveyor, which leads to the warm seas of the Caribbean. And on the dry plains of Texas, he meets local farmers who are hoping to find a way of manufacturing their own rain. Only in America, eh kids?

20.00 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Dreamspaces 22.00 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel Spoof This Is your Life featuring dozens of illegitimate children. Hmm, intriguing.

23.00 Absolutely Fabulous 23.30 Burn It 00.15 Love for Sale 00.45 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 01.40 Dreamspaces 02.10 Vinnie 02.40 Burn It 03.25 Love for Sale

09.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 10.30 Pop Idol 11.40 Pop Idol Extra 12.40 Pop Idol Results 13.10 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.40 Movies Now 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Pop Idol 21.10 Pop Idol Extra 22.10 Pop Idol Results 22.40 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 23.15 Coronation Street 23.40 The Frank Skinner Show 00.30 Cold Feet 01.30 Beggars and Choosers 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Club Reps The Workers - Uncut 04.15 Trisha Double Bill Hmm, Pop Idol and soaps day on ITV 2 today. Go to the cinema instead.

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment Please get rid of this. Even Paul can’t coax me to watch it.

20.00 The West Wing 21.00 Dawson's Creek The gang's relationship problems are exposed when they all become patients of Dr Drew.

The at least thrice-married ho of ET fame leads them all astray and ends up talking all of them out of staying virgins until their genitals sag, as doubtless they would without her help. Then they all catch syphilis and die, hopefully.

22.00 Six Feet Under There's a mixed reaction when Ruth and George announce their marriage. Nate is drinking and neglecting Maya, and he turns to Brenda again. Eugh.

Brenda is an ugly moaning twat. Poor Nate, not being able to resist her in his booze fuelled state.

23.10 Joe Millionaire 00.05 Little Friends 00.30 The West Wing 01.20 Dawson's Creek 02.10 Six Feet Under 03.10 Little Friends

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Michael Jackson's Private Home Movies 13.50 Futurama: Welcome to World of Tomorrow 14.00 Keen Eddie 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse Eek, Jon Tickle.

18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Being David Beckham 22.00 Is Harry on the Boat?

23.00 Sex on the Beach 00.00 Naked in Blackpool 01.00 Is Harry on the Boat?

01.50 Scrubs 02.15 Double Entry 02.40 Reality TV Stars Behaving Badly 03.30 The Villa 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C except: 06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs 07.05 Insektors 07.20 Bug Alert! 07.45 The Kids from Room 402 08.10 Totally Spies! 08.35 Spider-Man 09.00 T4: Popworld. 10.00 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.35 T4: G Girls 15.45 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.35 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 The Theory of Everything: Welcome to the 11th Dimension 21.00 Adult at 14: Sex Before 16: Why the Law is Failing 22.00 Adult at 14: Pleasureland Provocative drama about a group of teenage girls in Liverpool who just cannot wait to grow up.

Joanna is 14 and is desperate for a boyfriend and a sexual relationship. i.e. a documentary on my youth. 23.30 Celebrity Wife Swap 00.35 V Graham Norton: Catch Up 01.35 FILM: Orphans *** 03.20 Crazy for Love 04.20 Countdown 05.05 Countdown 05.50 Bagpuss

Spider-Man Channel 4 8.35am

Sunday 16 November

November 10 2003

Five minute fun

Page 27

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

23 things you will never hear a redneck say…

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

3. Duct tape won't fix that.

4. We don't keep firearms in this house.

5. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

6. You can't feed that to the dog.

7. I thought Graceland was tacky.

8. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

9. We're vegetarians.

10. Do you think my gut is too big?

11. Honey, we don't need another dog.

12. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

13. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

14. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

15. Trim the fat off that steak.

16. The tyres on that truck are too big.

17. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

18. I've got it all on the C drive.

19. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

20. Checkmate.

21. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

22. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

23. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

Drinking Quotes

The Half-Arsed Quiz

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Anonymous Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Stephen Wright

1. Which ex-Cardiff City player became Exeter’s top scorer last season?

2. The 1960s documentary film Don’t Look Now, biographies which music legend?

3. In Friends what does Ross find a stash of in his dead grandmother’s cupboard?

4. What was the name of Shirley Manson’s band before Garbage?

5. What size are Jo Brand’s breasts?

6. Who wrote the books Prozac Nation and Bitch?

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Anonymous Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

Ross Levy Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin

Whether it’s an insult you’re looking for or a witty retort to an insult hurled at you, your search ends here in the Five Minute Fun cut-out-and-keep, best one-liners in the world .... EVER! Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

Deep Thought, Jack Handy

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Frank Zappa send the products of your comic genius to: grfiveminutefun@cf.ac.uk

1. Steve Flack 2. Bob Dylan 3. Sweetners 4.

Angelfish 5. 36 I apparently 6. Elizabeth Wurtzel

HILARIOUS JOKE TIME! On ‘bring your child to work day’ a man arrives home with his adorable little daughter.

The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary today Daddy. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lie her down"

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

I have a degree in humanities. Is that to eat in or to go?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

I plead contemporary insanity.

Run this up to the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union, or drop it in one of the purple competition boxes around the Union.

Name:_______________________________ _____________________________________ Email:_______________________________ _____________________________________ Tiebreak: Using only the gair rhydd, a tea towel and a Jamaican Bobsleigh team, how would you make Daley Thompson cry?

________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ Last week’s winner had to answer “Could there be a boy born that could outswim a shark?”

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am.

10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

And the winner was Phil Walters who answered, in the style of Gareth, “Of course! Duncan Goodhew, Aquaman, that kid with the pearl in the Cheltenham and Gloucester ad” Well done you!

“

You are always in the game when you have a striker like Earnshaw Bursaries announced

”

Back page

Lennie Lawrence, November2003 Team focus this week, Running Club page 31

Issue 749. 1 November 2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cardiff.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

Men’s football triumph-Back page

COMMENT. Below Page 29

WOMEN: WHO NEEDS THEM? Riath Al-Samarrai ponders the question demanding answers from the world of football “LJUNGBERG TO SIGN for Perugia” screamed the headlines, though thankfully for those who keep the turnstiles rotating at Highbury, Freddie is staying put. His namesake Hanna, however, is heading for Serie A and the most controversial transfer in history.

In a move that is loading the oldfashioned foundations of football with dynamite and waving a lit match in dangerously close proximity, Hanna Ljungberg’s arrival as the first ever female player into the men’s game threatens to destroy the boys’ club mentality that has ruled this sport for so long.

One of the few chauvinistic strongholds remaining in modern day society will fall the moment that extra X chromosome breaks into the male-only sanctuary of the dressing room.

From the terraces to dug-outs and onto the pitch, the beautiful game has traditionally remained a pastime for men.

But now the sport may be on the brink of revolution.

Will time prove this act to be merely another publicity stunt from the club who signed Saadi Gadaffi, son of Libyan dictator Colonel Gadaffi, or could it signify the emergence of the fairer, not necessarily weaker sex in football?

Many sternly believe in the former, with the prospect of women playing against men considered so unlikely in the stands, it struggles to raise a mention beyond the usual jokes about

shirt swapping and team baths.

But while women should be granted the opportunity to test their ability at the highest level and not have their footballing aspirations restricted to semiprofessional outings on lower league pitches, is it realistic that they could mix it with the boys in the often brutal realms of a contact sport?

Generally men are physically stronger and faster, and while this may infuriate keener members of the Women’s Institute, intoxicated on notions of female supremacy, it remains a very prevalent fact.

Further to the point, would this politically correct utopia be destroyed the minute Roy Keane dishes out some “treatment?”

The combat zone of the football pitch is a deep lying attraction of the beautiful game, and credible doubts remain whether this enthralling element of the sport could survive in the presence of chivalry, not to mention the near impossible task of predicting national reactions to a bad tackle or injury.

Granted, for too long discrimination in its many forms has cast a lingering smell over the world of sport, and while moves to banish xenophobes back to their caves are dually commendable and essential, PR stunts designed to attract column inches do nothing but threaten the integrity of sporting competition.

Suggestions to allow women into the “man’s game” are understandable, and if a woman is capable of competing equally against men in any walk of life, then only a prehistoric mentality wouldn’t grant them the right to prove it, and erase the sexual stereotyping that traditionally roots female careers to the ground.

But women have played against and alongside men in other sports, and, though they weren’t contact, highlighted implications beyond which dressing room you use.

Annika Sorenstam’s presence on the PGA Tour this year attracted vast exposure and attention from the media, earning the world’s finest female player huge sums of money and publicity, and though her performances justified such fascination, she could not prevent the widespread male-belief that she shouldn’t have been there.

Old school mentalities developed through years of unchallenged bigotry will be a permanent banana skin in the way of progress.

This may prove a greater, possibly unassailable, obstacle than the so-called gulf in skill separating male and female competitors, and certainly one that will have to be overcome if women are ever to line up next to men on the football pitch.

Earnshaw: invaluable to Cardiff

UNBEATABLE We’ll match anyone when Earnshaw is in the team says Lawrence

By John Stanton CARDIFF CITY FIND themselves in ninth position in the league after a week which saw a comfortable home win against Watford followed by a hard fought draw at Turf Moor against Burnley.

Cardiff prepared for the visit of Watford in the certain knowledge that they could match the best in the First Division following their goalless draw at home to West Ham. Prolific frontman Rob Earnshaw inspired the Bluebirds to a four point haul from two games which were crucial in City’s quest to remain within touching distance of the promotion chasing pack.

Earnshaw’s eleventh First Division strike of the season gave Cardiff a narrow half time lead against a buoyant Watford side unbeaten in their previous seven games.

It took the Bluebirds until the 32nd minute to take the lead, when Welsh international Earnshaw used his trade-

mark lightning pace to capitalise on a weak backpass from Watford skipper Neil Cox before rounding the goalkeeper to score to the delight of the Ninian Park faithful.

Second half strikes from Tony Vidmar and captain Graham Kavanagh ensured the Bluebirds secured a hard fought home win and sent the Londoners home empty handed.

Cardiff’s long trip to Burnley looked as if it would end in misery until City saviour Earnshaw equalised a Richard Chaplow goal with less than fifteen minutes remaining.

Vidmar could have snatched all three points with time running out, but he headed over from Kavanagh’s corner.

Lawrence acknowledged Earnshaw’s value to his side after the hitman notched his twelfth league goal of the season: ‘You are always in the game when you have a striker like Robert Earnshaw. Yet again he has shown his quality.’

A fine week for the Bluebirds means they have now tasted defeat only once in their last eight outings.

All Blacks hear the Dragon’s roar NEW ZEALAND 55 - 37 WALES

By David Williams THE SAYING ‘so near yet so far’ is often overused in sport and none more so than when the Welsh rugby team are involved.

But, for ten tantalising second-half minutes at Sydney’s Telstra Dome, the unthinkable looked a possibility.

When former Wales reject Shane Williams crossed the All Blacks’ try line, following yet another break through the Kiwi defence, the biggest World Cup upset was sensed by the 80,000 plus crowd.

However, typical New Zealand pressure late on ensured that, as predicted

before the game, Wales finished as runners-up in Pool D, eventually succumbing to a 55-37 defeat.

This, after one of the most passionate and resilient Welsh performances since the third place play-off in the inaugural tournament 16 years ago.

And, Steve Hansen’s ‘second string’ side will feel that it was a match they ultimately could have and should have won had it not been for a combination of missed opportunities and poor refereeing decisions.

Gareth Thomas’ spill on the try line in the first half and Justin Marshall’s forward pass for Doug Howlett’s second try, when there was only one point between the sides, were the crucial factors.

At 28-10 down, the fifty-year wait for victory against the All Blacks looked

likely to continue.

Then, after Mark Taylor’s opening score, came 24 unanswered Welsh points.

A magnificent Shane Williams break ended with Sonny Parker crossing after collecting Tom Shanklin’s pass.

Soon after, Colin Charvis dived over following a pre-determined line-out move which took his side into the break only four points down.

And, as Welsh supporters were catching their breath, Ceri Sweeney’s break and Charvis’support set up the ruck from which Osprey winger Williams cruised home to send Wales into a 34-24 lead.

A flurry of All Black tries, after outstanding Welsh defence in the last fifteen minutes, couldn’t ignore the fact that it was Wales who had come out of the match with heads held high.

The performances of Jonathan Thomas and Williams will now give Hansen a welcome selection headache ahead of the quarter-final.

Flanker Thomas, whose flick pass set up the first try and who made a number of breaks through the Kiwi defence, was a revelation.

And Williams, who came out from the cold to be at the World Cup, was a threat throughout with his searing pace, shown most when setting Parker’s touchdown.

Taylor, Thomas and Stephen Jones showed coolness under pressure to get Wales back into the game after Rokocoko’s try inside two minutes, but although claiming a bonus point they will now face England knowing that it could so nearly have been South Africa.

NEARLY: WILLIAMS TRY IN VAIN

Sport

Page 30

November 10 2003

grsport@cf.ac.uk

ROUND-UP

BUSA Results

Wednesday November 5

Men’s Badminton 1sts

8-0

Exeter

Lacrosse

26 - 5

UWE

Men’s Football 1sts

4-1

Swansea Institute

Men’s Football 2nds

4-2

Swansea

Men’s Football 4ths

2-0

Swansea

Men’s Rugby 1sts

59 - 9

Southampton

Men’s Rugby 2nds

20 - 16

UWIC

Men’s Rugby 3rds

62 - 20

Swansea

Men’s Hockey 1sts

2-3

UWE

Men’s Hockey 2nds

3-1

Exeter

Men’s Hockey 3rds

3-0

Bristol

Men’s Hockey 4ths

3-0

Aberystwyth

Men’s Basketball

W/0

Marjons

4.5 - 1.5

Golf

Swansea

Women’s Football

5-2

Exeter

Women’s Hockey 1sts

3-1

UWE

Women’s Hockey 2nds

3-1

Bristol

Women’s Hockey 3rds

W/O

Aberystwyth

Netball 1sts

35 - 39

Cambridge

Netball 3rds

23 - 30

Exeter

Women’s Basketball

32 - 60

Bristol

Women’s Badminton

8-1

Oxford

Women’s Tennis

5-1

Swansea

Women’s Rugby

41 - 0

Bristol

The joy of text

By Tom Brown AU President THIS WEEK I AM happy to announce that the Athletic Union has taken a brave leap into the world of modern technology by introducing its very own text service.

The A.U. staff and clubs now have accounts set up with www.campustext.co.uk enabling them to send cheap SMS text alerts to any members who have signed up on www.cardiffstudents.com.

I hope that this new service will be used effectively by the club committees to reduce both their financial and time costs of operating their club efficiently.

I am also delighted by the way the clubs have taken such pride in managing their web-sites both on www.cardiffstudents.com and, in many cases, on external sites.

The www.cardiffstudents.com site has been a major success and the statistics reflect this with 12,000 visits in September climbing to well over 20,000 in October which ranks us as 3rd largest on-campus UK web-site after just three months of operation.

I believe these impressive figures are down to the hard work and enth siasm of the club committees and I

advise all students who want information about the A.U. clubs to check out the sites online.

All those A.U. members who still have not registered must register as soon as possible.

Thank you to all the teams that have filled in the match report forms as it is important that team captains complete and hand in these match reports as they will be compiled and used as evidence for awarding relevant prizes at the A.U. Awards Ball in March.

Due to Cardiff University finishing in the top 20 of BUSA last year we have been fortunate enough to be included in a giant Adidas Body product sampling project where each of our 430 or so BUSA team players will receive and test approximately £5 worth of Body Products.

The BUSA results were fantastic last Wednesday with 25 wins out of 30 matches. Notable performances came from the women’s rugby team who hammered Bristol and women’s badminton who thrashed Oxford 8-1.

I hope that this excellent success continues.

Ladies rugby enjoy more success

Clean sweep for fab four

By John Tuscany CARDIFF 1STS SWANSEA 1STS

4 1

CARDIFF REMAIN hot on the heels of the league leaders with a comfortable 4-1 victory over Swansea Institute.

Near on gale force winds prevented the game from becoming any sort of spectacle as both teams battled against the elements and each other.

This did not prevent Cardiff getting a dream start, going 1-0 up after just twenty seconds.

Iwan Price, after collecting a loose pass in midfield, threaded the ball through to Mike Rabjohns, who after a

neat touch stroked the ball past the bemused Institute keeper.

The joy was short-lived however, as Institute equalised on ten minutes, a thumping header following a corner.

After this, Institute rarely troubled the Cardiff defence.

Cardiff soon restored their lead, Si Green scoring for the eighth consecutive game, rounding the keeper and coolly slotting home.

Rabjohns then grabbed his second and Cardiff’s third, scoring at the second attempt after a fine initial save.

The second half was played out largely as a midfield battle, with the only real chances falling to an increasingly comfortable Cardiff side.

Green and Rabjohns both missed chances to extend the lead, the latter

Five star women

By Jo Roberts AFTER LAST week’s loss to Marjons, Cardiff’s lady footballers were keen to notch up three more points and win back some pride.

Exeter, floundering second from bottom in the relegation places, were desperate for a win.

Despite their league position, the west country side put up a good challenge and scored first, taking the Cardiff defence by surprise from a corner on five minutes.

It took twenty minutes for Cardiff to draw level when Emma Jones unleashed a stunning thirty yard strike that caught the Exeter ‘keeper off-guard.

This was a cue for Cardiff to take the initiative and they stole the lead

on forty minutes after Laura Roberts coolly rounded the goalkeeper and fired home, giving Cardiff a 2-1 lead at the break.

Both teams scored again within five minutes of the restart, but the second half featured some indifferent refereeing decisions with Cardiff goalkeeper Sarah Newbury being penalised for time wasting.

She made a great save from the resultant free-kick, tipping the shot over the bar.

Cardiff wrapped up their win with two more goals. First, Laura Roberts completed her hat-trick and then Anna McTaggart scored from close range.

Altogether it was a well earned result, as the team’s hard work on the pitch finally paid off with a 5-2 end score.

having a header tipped onto the crossbar to deny him a hat-trick.

Just as the game looked to be heading towards a 3-1 scoreline, Simon Yates sealed the points by grabbing his first goal for the University, lobbing the keeper from 20 yards. Attention now turns to the table-topping clash against Hartpury College next week.

The Seconds returned to winning ways with a 4-2 triumph over Swansea Thirds. Danny Gunyon blasted home his first two goals for the University, with Andy Harris and Brian McGovern completing the scoring.

The Fourths maintain their 100% start comfortably, seeing off Swansea fourths 2-0, with Mike Hyde netting twice, thus completing a clean sweep of victories for Cardiff football.

TENNIS

with Hywel Bevan

DESPITE BEING without the services of regular second and fourth seeds Henrietta Eve and Anna Lambert, the women’s team were able to register a comfortable 5-1 win.

First and second seeds Charlotte Lines and Hannah Smith ensured Cardiff made a winning start as they took the opening doubles tie 8-2.

But honours were even following the second doubles rubber as No 3 seed Michelle Olver partnered No 4 seed Sonya Ginty in an 8-6 defeat.

Cardiff’s superiority was evident in the singles rubbers as Lines and Smith made light work of their respective opponents, both winning by a scoreline of 6-0 6-1, whilst Olver (6-2 6-2) and Ginty (6-1 6-3) were equally as impressive.

The Men’s team suffered a disappointing defeat away at Bristol and in doing so, lost its unbeaten record this season.

IMG Sport

November 10 2003

Page 31

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Things get interesting as the half-way season split nears

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair No broken legs this week, but quite a few close matches in both netball and football.

Lokomotiv Engin were stopped in their tracks by Gym Gym .

The Gym Gym boys have been

FOOTBALL RESULTS Group A Momed 2 Myg Myg 0 Law B 2 Optometry 1 Cathays FC 1 Accountancy 4 Economics 4 Earth Soc 4

Group B Carbs A 1 Irish FC 2 English Soc 0 Christian Union 14 AFCHistory 1 FC Real 5 Xpresston NorthEnd 0 Uni Hallstars 6

Group C Jomec 4 Planderlecht 3 Bute Park Utd 1 Accountington Stanley 1 John Jenkins 5 Carbs B 2 Mathletico Madrid 2 Afro-Caribbean Soc 1

Group D Law A 8 Pharm AC 0 The George FC 7 Athletico Roy 1 Gym Gym 4 Lokomotiv Engin 0 Chemsoc 3 Japsoc 0

NETBALL RESULTS Group A Cardiff Uni B 15 Cardiff Uni C 0 Law B 13 Optometry A 1 English Soc 1 Medics 8

Group B Optometry B 6 Socsi 5 Cardiff Uni A 21 Chemsoc 10 Pharmacy A 14 The Marines 3

Group C Economics 13 Carbs B 2 Law A 13 Gym Gym 9 Sawsa 3 Pharmacy B 5

Group D Psychology 20 Christian Union 2 CPlan 14 Xpress Radio 3 Carbs A 8 Comsoc 9

unstoppable so far, but I’m eagerly waiting to see the outcome when they meet Law A in their final match this term.

All the group C matches were closely fought this week. There was a one-all draw between Accountington Stanley and Bute Park Utd; Mathletico Madrid beat Afro-Caribbean 2-1 and Jomec secured a 4-3 win against Planderlecht.

The English Society haven’t quite got to grips with the idea of winning anything yet, losing 14-0 to the Christian Society. The same goes for Xpresston Northend: another loss, this week a 6-0

defeat to Uni Hallstars.

Next week Xpresston Northend are up against the English Society: it should be a close match.

Group A saw Momed just scraping through a tough encounter with Myg Myg, winning 2-0, although Myg Myg held out on 1-0 for most of the match.

Economics met their match when they came up against Earth Soc: a thrilling encounter ending in a 4-4 draw.

Elsewhere, Irish produced a superb display, courtesy of power-house engine, Ian Christopher, earning a 2-1 win over

Carbs A. Over at Talybont, last year’s Premiership leaders Carbs A suffered a surprising defeat to Comsoc, 9-8, with the whistle being blown just as Carbs could have evened the score.

Sophia Gardens saw the battle of the University sides, with the B team beating the C side15-0.

Pharmacy A managed to finally play a game - having had both of their last two matches cancelled and postponed.

To make the event sweeter they won 143 against The Marines.

FEATURED MATCH: Cardiff Uni B v Cardiff Uni C

By Ben Wright

The last match of the day at Talybont was won by Law A, 13-9 against Gym Gym. Next week it should be very interesting to see who’ll end up in which division.

Law A are up against Economics, who are unbeaten in group C so far, and over in group D, Carbs A will be battling it out with Psychology.

Both matches should be very competitive and might make a difference to who goes where in the division tables for next term.

FOOTBALL WEEK 5 Group A

Photo: Ben Wright

Entertainment value 8/10

Momed v Earth Soc Law B v Economics Cathays FC v Myg Myg Accountancy v Optometry

Cardiff Uni B

Group B

Wesson 9, Stone 7, Donovan 7, Hutchings 7 (Parker 8), Harvey 8, Lyons 9, Thomas 8

Carbs A v Uni Hallstars English Soc v Xpresston NorthEnd AFCHistory v Irish FC FC Real v Christian Union

Cardiff Uni B 15 - 0 Cardiff Uni C

Group C

Cardiff Uni C

Jomec v Afro-Caribbean Soc Carbs B v Accountington Stanley John Jenkins v Planderlecht Bute Park Utd v Mathletico Madrid

Watts 4, Chadwick 5 (Zanin 5), Cook 6 (Counce 7), Ioannides 8, Lovell 5 (Briggs 6), Tuson 6 (Rahman 4), Davies 7, (Degregoris 6) Star Woman: Lyons An overall dominant display at the heart of the Uni B side. A prolific goal attack, she shone with the ball close to the net and made the game safe in the second-half for the home team.

On a blustery and overcast Guy Fawkes afternoon, the only fireworks to be seen were the explosive skills of the unbeaten Uni B side, who trounced a lacklustre Uni C side 15-0.

From the outset it was inevitable that Uni B were to going dominate the match.

Aimee Thomas began the scoring with barely more than a minute gone: a superb long range effort.

At first it looked as though the C team would come back into the match, with Kate Davies coming close on a few occasions to levelling the score.

But after five minutes Davies limped off with a thigh injury and, with

Group D Law A v Japsoc The George FC v Chemsoc Lokomotiv Engin v Athletico Roy Gym Gym v Pharm AC

Cardiff Uni B show who’s in charge on of their key players on the sidelines, it went downhill from there for Uni C .

An impressive attacking partnership between Thomas and goal attack Carys Lyons meant that by half time the score was an embarassing 6-0.

The Uni C team let their heads drop further in the second half, despite the lightning pace and never-say-die attitude of centre Katrina Ioannides After the break things got steadily worse despite the four substitutions made.

The Uni C team had plenty of opportunities to make the score look more respectable but Lisa Degregoris’ and Shai Rahman’s shooting skills were not up to scratch.

The B team’s defence further demonstrated why they are currently unbeaten; in particular, goalkeeper Becky Wesson gave an impressive and diligent display.

In the last five minutes of the match, substitutes Esther Hunting and Kelly Whittaker racked up more goals for the B team and the embarassment of Uni C was only diminished when the fulltime whistle blew.

Uni C certainly have some great players, but they lack the teamwork and overall spirit of the Uni B team who, if they continue to play like this, look as though they are on course for an IMG title win at the end of the year.

NETBALL WEEK 5 Group A Cardiff Uni B v English Soc Law B v Cardiff Uni B Optometry A v Medics

Group B Optometry B v The Marines Cardiff Uni A v Pharmacy A Chemsoc v Socsi

Group C Economics v Law A Gym Gym v Pharmcy B Carbs B v Sawsa

Group D Comsoc v CPlan Christian Union v Xpress Radio Carbs A v Psychology

GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SP

GR SPORT FOLIO Gaz Nettleton University Football Team

By Riath Al-Samarrai "HE’S TYPICALLY German" explained one team mate as I awaited the arrival of Gareth Nettleton, "efficient but lacking personality" he added, before the giant man himself lumbered into the room.

Anti-Bavarian sentiment aside,

Gaz’s dull swagger and hunched shoulders did little to quell these helpful observations. However, when the point was put to the football ace an explosion of life, saturated by anger, assured me that the remarks of his friend were a little misleading.

"That is absolutely ridiculous, and

must come from a player who doesn’t know me very well." While this animated response was surprising, it was equally entertaining, and the Third team vice-captain needed a couple of gulps of lager to regain the composure I had expected.

"I am efficient. I love the football club so I do the jobs like sorting out kit, booking the buses and pumping up the balls. A club this size needs that kind of help. You could say I’m a bit of oil in the wheels to help things run smoothly."

As a dedicated club man, and former captain of the Fourth team, Gaz has the respect of his fellow footballers and uses his playing experiences as a lesson to those around him, "I’ve had mixed emotions about my time at Cardiff University Football Club.

"In the first year I spent much of my time running up and down the

sidelines not getting a game, but I was under a truly inspirational captain in Shane Mansfield and accepted his decision, and it made me stronger for it.

"Now I have made it into the team with a good group of boys and it has all paid off. As a senior player I am not in that position where you are looking over your shoulder every week."

Though savouring the fruits of his labour in the latter stages of a three year football career at Cardiff, Gaz is the first to admit the politics of the club have occasionally diminished his enjoyment: "when I first got here I didn’t really know anyone and that was a bit annoying, but now - from the First team through to the Fourth team - everyone knows each other.

That is largely down to the Chairman Si Green, who has made a big effort to open the club up, and people are a

lot happier for that."

Dicussing even trivial details in relative depth, Nettleton’s appetite for football related conversation is refreshing, but he is not shy to get away from life on the pitch. "I am a great socialiser," Gaz blurts out with the effects of alcohol altering his pronunciation, "the boys here are great and always up for a good night out. I have had the most enjoyable three years of my life here with the football club. From getting battoned in Costa Brava to being naked in Antwerp, I’ve some great times with the team."

An unassuming man, Gareth Nettleton avoids the pitfalls of selfhype: "I am a small cog in a big wheel, and do my bit. I am one of the first names on the team sheet but that is only because I write it," he concludes with a modest chuckle, fairly indicative of the gentleman.

“For ten tantalising minutes the unthinkable looked a possibility”

page 29

Wales v England

Women in football

Who is going to win the big match? And how did Wales nearly beat the All Blacks? p 29

Is the beautiful game about to become a mixed sport? We weigh up the pros and cons. p 29 email grsport@cf.ac.uk

10 November 2003 - Issue 749

DUTCH COURAGE Clockwise from top left: Monk, Dutch, Nettleton and Wood, celebrate their first win

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Uni’s sporting elite get their bursaries

By Thom Airs CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S top athletes and sports people gathered at 51 Park Place on Thursday for the first meeting of the 2003/2004 Sports Bursary Award and Support Programme.

This scheme awards our top athletes with financial and psychological support as they attempt to combine academic and sporting commitments.

Trish Ball, a cross-country skier who has represented Britain at the World Student Games, co-ordinates the scheme: “I’ve been in this position since July 2002 and have seen the quality of applicants increase considerably.”

This is a view echoed by Natalie Lewis, a 1,500 metre runner in her fourth year of bursary support: “The scheme has improved since I arrived here and, while I’m still a typical poor student, the bursary has covered all my sporting needs.”

Richard Day, who represents Wales at rowing, is also thankful for the sup-

port of the programme: “I have to combine 30 hours of training a week with a Civil Engineering degree. There just wouldn’t be time to get a job, so the money from my bursary is a great help.”

The get-together gave the scheme’s beneficiaries a chance to get to know one another ahead of monthly meetings and workshops.

Funding may be tight (the university itself does not contribute financially) but it appears that every effort is made

by Trish Ball and her team to provide Cardiff University’s sports men and women with the best possible guidance.

Photo: Riath Al-Samarrai

CARDIFF III 5 ABERYSTWYTH II 0

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor

HEROIC STEFFAN DUTCH was the toast of Cardiff as his superb hat trick in the 5-0 demolition of Aberystwyth propelled the Third team off the foot of the table.

“Steff was great today; he got the goals that his performances this year have warranted,” said ecstatic captain John Monks. “We finally showed the form we are capable of, and hopefully we can carry on like this,” Monks added on his side’s

belated first victory of the season.

This enthralling encounter was a testament to the battling spirit installed by Monks and his deputy Gareth Nettleton, while the second half display was a glowing tribute to the flair of Stuart Wheeler and the commanding presence of Dutch.

In both departments Cardiff demonstrated superiority, while Aber - though capable of producing great football on their day as they showed in holding the second string recently - looked tired and frustrated by the relentless pressure from the home team.

Phil Wood’s performance from his home in centre midfield was pivotal. Compensating what he lacks in finesse and elegance with energy, passion and combative determination, the muscular

Londoner played a central role in disrupting the visiting attacks, whilst applying his forward drive to create opportunities.

The tenacity of Wood earned Cardiff the opener after 15 minutes, when he stabbed the ball over the line from close range.

Aber responded in robust fashion, reverting to route one tactics in an effort to break the watertight seal of Cardiff ’s backline, superbly marshalled by Nettleton and Steve Neudegg.

But their efforts proved ineffective and the task increased for the visitors as a swift Cardiff counter attack got the ball to Dutch, whose superb control and shot doubled the home advantage just before the break.

The second half saw the flair

contingent of Cardiff ’s third string Bennetto finished the rout with the emerge from behind the safety of goal of the game, disillusioned Aber fans were already on the bus their shin pads to enjoy the home from the Llanrumney sunshine. capital.

Aber’s goalkeeper was dismissed on 55 minutes for deliberate handball, and while his tearful protests drew jeers from the crowd, it did not attract sympathy from the referee, and with ten men, the visiting challenge soon diminished.

Galloping Welshman Dutch was in devastating form and his charging runs hacked apart the remaining shreds of resilience from their opponents.

He got his second strike of the afternoon by turning Steve Sartin’s good work into a goal, before completing a brilliant hat-trick on the hour mark with a fine low drive.

By the time Egyptian star Ali HERO: Steff Dutch enjoys limelight

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