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Monday 31st March / Free Word 738
“Bring your bucket and spade”
Students fall for Finn
Finnbar Graham claims victory in the most hotly contended Presidential race for years, with over 3,200 students turning out to vote. For the full story of how the election results unfolded, turn to pages 6 and 7... good in their own right.” Many put Finn’s victory down to the strength of his election campaign. With new ideas such as the IRISH EYES were smiling last Thursday, as Finnbar infamous ‘dead body’ outlines Graham romped home to a - which proclaimed him to be massive victory in the race “dying to be your president” to become Students’ Union and a great deal of personal energy and commitment, it President. With an eye-catching and seems that Finn swayed a lot innovative campaign, Finn of undecided voters. Second-placed Chris paid secured more than double the number of votes of his nearest tribute to Finn’s campaign effort. competitor, Chris Dixon. “Ambition is fucking Finn racked up an impressive 1,443 votes on the critical. “Fair play to Finn, he put first round of counting, while intelligent campaign Chris scored 691. Third-placed an Minelle Gholami managed 421 together. Good luck to him. “If he wants any help next votes despite a minimal campaign, and Gavin Ramjaun year I’ll be around finishing my course. And as for my plans came in fourth with 332 votes. Speaking after his massive well, there’s always next year!” The turnout in this years’ win, Finnbar was in high spirits. was generally Finn’s infamous “dead bodies” campaign: ‘dying to be your President’ “I’m feeling pretty damned elections over the disqualification and regarded as good. around the 3,200 votes mark, election campaign. good!” he told gair rhydd. “After everything that’s eventual reinstatement of The turnout for most and even for non-sabbatical “It was a tough campaign and all the candidates were sabbatical positions was officers approximately 2,800 gone on, you’d be hard- Helen Dorritt, one of the people voted - a massive leap pressed to find a student in Communications & Community this Union who didn’t know it Officer candidates. compared to previous years. THE TURNOUT - HOW YOU VOTED Further scandal ensued However some election was election time. several banners “But that’s not down to the when observers at the count felt the good turnout was more down Union itself at all. Their belonging to AU Presidential candidates were burnt down to the campaign efforts of publicity has been terrible.” This wasn’t the only (see story below). candidates rather than any problem to dog the elections. Union publicity. 91 93 95 97 98 99 00 01 02 03 As reported in the last issue FULL ELECTION REPORTOne said, “The candidates 20.1% of students voted - good compared with previous years put together a fantastic of gair rhydd, controversy raged TURN TO PAGES 6 & 7
By Mark Cobley & Anna Hodgekiss, Election Reporters
Campaign goes up in flames Anna McKenna reports
The damaged house on North Road
ELECTION CAMPAIGNING took a dangerous turn last week as residents of 65 North Road awoke on Sunday morning to find their house burning. Tim Green woke up around 2.30 on the morning of Sunday March 16 to discover two men running away from the house in the direction of Talybont. When he got up to investigate he discovered that the banner hanging from the front of the house - promoting one of the AU Presidential candidates - was in flames. There were people in his front yard trying to put out the fire in the bin bags underneath. Tim managed to put out the fire by throwing water on the
windowsills and stamping out the burning bits of the banner in the garden, but the damage had already been done to the front of the house. Tim said, “I am disgusted. We put the banner up to help a friend and we ended up with some idiot trying to burn down the house. “We sometimes leave the windows open and if they had been open last night the house would have gone up in flames.” The incident has been reported to the police and they are treating it as arson. Reckless endangering of life carries a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. On the same night another AU candidate’s banner was set on fire in Talybont, suggesting that this was not an isolated
incident against one candidate. Tim continued, “I am repulsed at the behaviour of these people. To endanger our lives over a campaign banner is just ridiculous. “However, if the perpetrators are willing to come forward and compensate for the damage we’ll drop the charges.” “Until then the police will continue with their investigation.”
YOUR EXECUTIVE TEAM 03-04 PRESIDENT Finnbar Graham SOCIETIES & UNION SECRETARY Rami Goussous ACADEMIC AFFAIRS OFFICER Billy Lee FINANCE & COMMERCIAL SERVICES OFFICER Mike Rabjohns COMMUNICATIONS & COMMUNITY OFFICER Emma Bebington EQUAL OPPS. AND WELFARE OFFICER Tash Hettihewa gair rhydd EDITOR Tristan Thomas AU PRESIDENT Tom Brown INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS OFFICER Ying Wang WOMEN’S OFFICER Caralyn Richards XPRESS MANAGER Karen Sharp MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER Janine Jones GAY/BISEXUAL OFFICER Lee Gregory gair rhydd DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson IMG CHAIR Beca Murphy AU VICE-PRESIDENTS Bethan Skelton Philip Moody
IS FOOTBALL INCREASINGLY BECOMING ALL ABOUT THE MONEY? SPORT INVESTIGATE, PAGE 26 News p 1–8 ● Letters p 13 ● Features p 15 Blagging p 10 ● Sport p 26 ● GRiP p 15 ● TV listings GRiP p 21
March 31 2003
IN BRIEF AGM date announced THE ANNUAL general meeting (AGM) of Cardiff Students’ Union will be finally be held on April 9 in the Great Hall at 6pm. The AGM is the most important Union event of the year, and is the supreme session which runs the Students’ Union. The constitution can be changed at the AGM and motions are often presented that can change Union policy. Last year controversy raged over the reintroduction of Nestlé products into the Union - a motion that eventually went through. If you want to get Nestlé banned again, or have any other ideas about the way your union should be run, come along to the AGM. All students have a vote. Motions (proposals to change Union policy) must be submitted to Communications & Community Officer Ellie King by midday on Friday April 4. If you need advice on how to write a motion contact Ellie on the Union’s third floor.
Ethnic police scheme THE SOUTH Wales police force has launched a twoweek work placement scheme for ethnic minority students only. The ‘dismantling barriers placement scheme’ is designed to encourage a greater number of ethnic minority students to join the police force. Currently only 55 out of 4,500 members of staff are of ethnic minority backgrounds, hardly a reflection of the diverse cultural community of South Wales. The scheme’s organiser, Inspector Jay Dave, was keen to publicise the wide range of jobs available in the police force. “I think many people are unaware of the work of South Wales police support staff. The force has its own solicitors, accountants, and computer programmers. Students can apply online for the scheme at www.nobarrier.co.uk.
gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union
Cardiff student elected NUS Wales president for second year running
Success sign for NUS
Mark Cobley reports NUS WALES held its annual conference in Aberystwyth on the weekend of March 16 and 17, drawing to a close a massively successful year for the student organisation. As reported in the last issue of gair rhydd, Welsh Assembly Education Minister Jane Davidson chose the conference to make the announcement that students in Wales would avoid paying top-up fees until at least 2007. This was at least in part a result of NUS Wales’ tireless campaigning on the issue lobbying the Assembly and drumming up student support. The next day (Saturday) saw the election of NUS Wales’ President and Deputy President for the forthcoming academic year. Cardiff student and current Students With Disabilities Officer Natasha Hirst was voted in by a massive majority. Meanwhile, former Cardiff Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Officer James Knight was
John Collingridge reports
Outgoing NUS Wales President Tom McGarry unanimously voted in as her deputy. They follow in the footsteps of Tom McGarry, this years’ NUS Wales president, who also came from Cardiff University and was elected our Union President for 2000-2001. However, the most
dramatic scenes at conference came when Peter Hain, Secretary of State for Wales attempted to defend the government’s Iraq policy. Student representatives from across Wales left him in no doubt of their opposition. Tom made it very clear to Mr. Hain: “On the one hand
the government is telling us they haven’t the money for quality higher education and students will have to pay up to £3,000 per year for tuition - but you have billions to spend on a war that has no support from the UN. “There is something deeply immoral here.”
THE GOVERNMENT has recognised British Sign Language as an official language following a campaign spearheaded by NUS Wales. Minister for Disabled People Maria Eagle announced the recognition and their decision to give £1 million in funding. NUS Wales President-elect Natasha Hirst, who is chair of the NUS’ BSL campaign, said: “It is extremely pleasing to see that the government have finally listened to the deaf community, and taken this vital first step of recognising BSL. “But recognition is only the first step on a very long road and now is not the time for hesitation. “These views need to be implemented and enforced.” Deaf groups hope the Act will ensure the true status of BSL as the fourth indigenous language of the UK and raise its status to one used throughout education, society and the establishment.
Council angers students Worry at Swansea Uni’s nanotech over rubbish “thefts” “Frankenstein” lab
Anna Hodgekiss reports
correct day and all evidence gathered from offending refuse will be handled in strict confidence. “The Council has made a huge effort to try and educate students on this matter and there is absolutely no need for the levels of unhygienic refuse strewn around the area, particularly in Miskin Street. “Most students should know what their collection day is, they are just being lazy putting their bin bags at the front of their house early instead of the back. “Signs will soon be appearing in streets telling
people what their collection day is which will hopefully help the situation.” While some Cardiff students were unhappy with these measures, others such as Engineering student Robert Annerson felt they were not unreasonable: “Rubbish left out early is unsightly and unhygienic. I would assume people from the Council could be trusted with such information and you shouldn’t put personal stuff like bank statements in the rubbish anyway. However, they should notify people of these new laws.”
CARDIFF STUDENTS have fallen victim to a new Council policy enforcing refuse collection. Extending the current Keep Cardiff Tidy Campaign, the Council is now charging residents £25 each time refuse is left out on the wrong day. While this is enough to scare any financially strapped student of Cathays, gair rhydd has been informed of a controversial tactic used to identify offending litter-bugs. Enforcement officers have been employed by the Council to sift through refuse bags and retrieve the identity of their owner. Several Cardiff students have complained that evidence such as bank statements and CVs has been used to track them down and are angry their privacy has been invaded. Many are worried information destined for the tip is now sitting on a Council desk somewhere and fear for confidentiality. A spokesperson for Cardiff County Council told gair rhydd: “It is a criminal offence to leave refuse out on the wrong day under the Environmental Protection Act section 88-89.” PHOTO: TRISTAN CHATFIELD “Officers do not search rubbish deposited on the Leave these out on the wrong day and you will pay
Andy Hunt reports
Even bestselling airport author Michael Crichton has hopped on the ‘nano’ bandwagon; he suggested that these ‘thinking’ computers could become a “mechanical plague”. But Prof Steve Wilks has emphatically denied these accusations, claiming that nano-bots may one day hold the key for curing cancer along with many other immense benefits. Whatever the truth of the matter science-fiction seems set to become science-fact right here in South Wales. Swansea University is due to hold the largest ever UK conference on nanotechnology this April. So, thanks to an initial Government grant of £1.54m, it seems that the ‘grey-goo’ could be with us very shortly.
RESEARCH AT a Swansea science lab has come under fire from both academics and environmentalists recently. Scientists led by Professor Steve Wilks have been accused of creating the tools for a “Frankenstein” species of micro robots which could wipe out all human life. These tiny self-replicating machines could form a devastating ‘grey-goo’ that some claim could infect humans and plants. Some even claim the ‘goo’ made up of millions of nanobots - could eventually cover the entire planet. Prominent critics of the scheme include Dr. Peter Singer of the Centre for Biotechnics at the University of Toronto and Neil Jones of Swansea Friends of the Earth. Dr Singer has expressed concern over the proliferation of such units as Swansea on “ethical, legal, social, environmental and economic grounds.” Meanwhile Jones has accused scientists of “rushing in” and warned of the consequences of such technology in the hands of dictators or terrorists such as Benson Philips: an early Saddam Hussein, saying it developer of ‘goo technology?’ could “threaten the world”.
March 31 2003
Cardiff demo stops traffic Violent police in peaceful protest
Rhiannon Davies and Karen Richards report
THE FIRST day of the war in Iraq brought masses of protesters out in force. Cardiff University students gathered outside the Union building at midday and joined fellow protesters on a march to the centre of Cardiff. The march halted at the top of Queen Street, opposite the castle, and protestors formed a road-block that stopped traffic on North Road for about an hour. Emotions were high in the demonstration, with several anti-war protestors lying in the road in an attempt to create a dramatic image of bloodshed. Protestors were chanting their objections against the military action taken by President Bush and Prime
Eyewitness account from Andrew Davidson
Demonstrators blocked North Road, with some acting as dead victims of war Student Party member Dimitra Fimi was protesting with other students. She said, “We are protesting for the majority of the public, even though the government has gone ahead with this illegal war. It makes me angry and we must push against the government’s actions.” The protests in Cardiff were mirrored by other protests in most towns and cities throughout Britain and the world in which anti-war feelings were displayed by demonstrators.
Students began protesting in front of the Union
student Darren Holmes from a local Cardiff sixth-form college. He said, “I feel very strongly about this. This war is immoral and illegal and I am disgusted and dismayed about it.” Thursday March 20 saw two protests against the military action in Iraq. The later protest was attended by more police and was marred by violence at the end, which led to several protestors being removed from the march. Cardiff University Socialist
BBC promotes sexual health
Students’ success in court battle over fraudster landlord
Rhiannon Davies reports BBC WALES came to the Students’ Union recently to launch a new campaign highlighting the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. The launch of ‘Come Clean’ took place in Seren Las on the evening of Thursday March 20 and a highlight of the night was the showing of a screenplay and five short films which seek to raise awareness of safe sex to young people in Wales. BBC Wales Controller Menna Richards and Assembly Minister for Health Jane Hutt were also present. Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh wrote his first television
Johnnies: be safe
Minister Blair. Leading the chants was
PEACEFUL ANTI-WAR protests ended in violent arrests and attacks from Cardiff police on the evening of Thursday March 20. During the first hour, while protesters occupied a section of North Road next to the castle, attempts were made to disperse crowds by ambulances with sirens blazing on hoax police calls. Two hours later, the demonstrators decided to move down to St. Mary’s Street, walking past Burger King and RSVP. Once again, the police formed threatening lines in an attempt to halt protesters and refused to communicate by any other means than pushes, shoves and grunts. At times during the demonstration protesters were even seen offering sweets to police officers and encouraging them to join in the singing of pro-peace/antiwar slogans. At 8.30pm protesters attempted to return to Castle
Street and demonstrate on Duke Street. As police would not, without justification, allow anyone to walk up St. Mary’s Street, the group turned onto Caroline Street towards The Hayes. Nearing the roundabout by Greggs bakery, it rapidly became clear that the police were losing their collective temper. Batons were drawn, shouts went up and cries were heard. Without warning, police began arresting protestors, apparently at random. Many were hurt in a flurry of batons, amongst them children in school uniform, university students, and suited city professionals. Following the event, complaints have been made to various high-ranking police officers including the head of police for Cathays. At the time of going to print, there has been no justification offered for the police action, nor has there been any public apology for the violent reaction of the officers involved.
screenplay for the campaign with the 30-minute drama Dose, which was screened last week on BBC1 Wales. Welsh supports the campaign, and said: “It’s something that I feel is very important. “There are so many myths about STDs – a bit like drugs – and I think that information or scary stuff in a posh accent doesn’t work. “Drama is a good way of getting a message across as people get into the characters’ lives instead of being preached at or spooked by somebody whom they obviously can’t believe.” BBC Wales promotions director Dylan Griffith, who was also behind last year’s “Bollocks” campaign with the Stereophonics’ Stuart Cable, said, “What we’re aiming to do is appeal to the regular punter. “The ads are striking and funny. Basically it’s people dancing in their pants… and people generally find that funny.” The message of the campaign is simply to wear a condom. In the past five years cases of chlamydia and gonorrhea have doubled in Wales, whilst more HIV infections were diagnosed in 2001 than ever before.
Peter Bramwell reports THREE SECOND year Cardiff students have finally won a court battle against a notorious family of landlords who have been found guilty of providing illegal housing. Lia Bellacomo, Vicky Talbot and Emma Cooke fought for over five months to prove that their landlords, the Ghaffars at City Property Management, were in breach of Environmental Health laws. After signing for an eight bedroom house on Coburn Street in February 2002, the girls moved in during September to find that the house was in a state of complete disrepair. Lia’s parents were also Mr Ghaffar in the kitchen of the problem house dismayed when they realised that the four bedrooms on the in 1998, despite having a legal - an act of illegal eviction. After ignoring seven letters first floor had no fire escape obligation to check it annually. When asked what to do in sent by registered post from the route at all. Lia told gair rhydd, “It was the event of a fire, Mr. Ghaffar tenants, council and courts, the open plan with no doors, so it allegedly told Vicky that they agency was ordered to attend was a potential firetrap. With a would have to smash a window the small claims court at the Civil Justice Centre. gas cooker in the kitchen, it and throw themselves out. After the first court hearing, Days later, Emma and her was a real danger.” They immediately wrote a mother complained to patriarch Environmental Health agents letter to the agency stating that of the family Asif Ghaffar, who inspected the property and confirmed it was illegal. they could not live in the house reacted aggressively. It also emerged the owners He finally calmed down after until the problems were the women called the police, had never applied for planning addressed. The fire extinguisher was but stated that he wouldn’t permission when converting half-full and was last checked allow them access to the house the house years before.
The court found the family guilty on March 14 this year. The girls received £1,140 compensation for their bonds and some of September’s rent. Relieved student Vicky said, “I’m glad it is over.” Lia added, “We were really naive when we signed for the house. I strongly advise all students to make sure they receive an inventory before signing anything and visit the Student Advisory Centre in the union.”
Welsh Assembly Elections
March 31 2003
Make your vote count in Wales Within a couple of years, the Welsh Assembly could have control over YOUR degree funding. The Welsh government that gets voted in in May will make the decisions - so make yourself heard now, or you may regret it! Peter Bramwell and John Collingridge explain the issues...
HEARD OF the Welsh Assembly? Do you know what it does? If not, you’re not alone. The opening of election booths in May 2003 will mark the end of the first term of the Welsh Assembly Government, and YOU have the right to vote. The National Assembly for Wales was opened on July 1, 1999 after proposals for devolution were endorsed in the referendum of September 18, 1998. While Wales remains part of the UK and laws that are passed
by Parliament still apply to Wales, the Assembly has used its powers to make some significant changes within Wales since devolution. With an £11 billion annual budget, it has responsibility for most areas of public services and has day to day control over education, health, transport, culture, the environment, and economic development. Some of the Assembly’s policies have been: ■ The introduction of Assembly Learning Grants for Welsh students in further and higher
YOU ARE HERE: CARDIFF CENTRAL
education. ■ Free local bus travel to pensioners and the disabled. ■ Frozen prescription charges: they are now cheaper than in England. ■ The reintroduction of free school milk for primary school children. ■ Making admission to museums and galleries free, thereby doubling the number of visitors. ■ Securing European funds of £1.2 billion to regenerate the weaker areas of the Welsh economy.
Cardiff Central candidate profiles David Jarmain puts your prospective AMs on the spot Welsh Labour Party Candidate: Geoff Mungham
Current Post: Senior Lecturer, School of Journalism, Cardiff University. Position on war: I’m opposed to it. It’s of dubious legality and the political and humanitarian consequences will be dire. Position on University fees: I back the Labour-led Assembly’s decision to block top-up fees until the 2007 elections. But universities are pushing for top-ups so parties promising to scrap tuition fees are making a promise they can’t keep. Union late night licence: I don’t want the licence revoked, but I would like students to be more considerate of residents. Drugs policy & cannabis legalisation: I’m willing to try the experiment of the legalisation of all drugs. With cannabis, there’s no point trying to enforce the unenforcable.
Welsh Liberal Democrat Candidate: Jenny Randerson
Current post: Assembly Member for Cardiff Central, and Minister for Culture, Sport and the Welsh Language. Position on war: I am totally opposed to the war in Iraq. However, now that military action in Iraq has begun, we all hope and pray that it can be concluded as swiftly as possible. Position on University fees: Welsh Liberal Democrats have led the opposition to all student fees. We want to abolish up-front Tuition Fees and are completely against top-up fees. Union late night licence: As long as the Union continues to behave responsibly I have no issue with the Union licence. Drugs policy & cannabis legalisation: Our policy is to de-criminalise cannabis.
How to vote IN ORDER to vote in the forthcoming Assembly elections you need to register yourself. It takes just a few simple steps... 1 To register to vote you need an electoral registration form. This can be found either by downloading the form from www.rollingregistration.co.uk, or by calling the Electoral Registration Office on 029 2087 2050.
2 The form then has to be sent to the Electoral Registration Office. 3 Once you are registered and the election day looms, you have two options on how cast your vote. 4 You can either turn up at the ballot station on May 1 and vote in person, or you can make a postal vote. Most students will be home for the election, so the postal vote may be very useful.
5 If so, you need to get a postal vote registration form. This can be downloaded from www.rollingregistration.co.uk, or by calling the Cardiff Postal Vote line on 029 2087 2034. The form must be sent to the Registration Office. 6 You will then receive two ballot papers: a peach one for the constituency ballot and a white one for the regional ballot. These must be mailed back in time for the election.
Background: an election registration form, which you will need to vote
The Assembly explained Election result: 1999
Plaid Cymru Candidate: Owen John Thomas
Current Post: Shadow Cabinet Member for Culture. Position on War: There is no moral case for war. The US and UK have acted against international law. The crisis could have been settled successfully through UN negotiations. Position on University fees: I wish to push for the abolition of all fees and the reintroduction of grants for all students at Welsh Universities, even the English ones. Union late night licence: I want it to remain as it is, but propose a liaison officer to ensure local residents and students can live in harmony. Drugs policy: Current drugs laws are antiquated. There should be an in-depth study into the effects of drugs, to compare them to alcohol and tobacco, and then legislation according to that.
T H E ASSEMBLY has sixty elected Members. Elections are held every four years, and each voter has two votes. The first vote is used to
Welsh Conservative Candidate: Craig Piper
Current Post: Underwriter for Lloyds TSB. Position on the war: No one wants war, but after 12 years of defying the international community, Saddam Hussein and Iraq must be disarmed. For this reason I support military action in the Gulf. Position on University fees: We are opposed to tuition fees and topup fees. Up to £15,000 of debt is an intolerable financial burden. Union late night licence: If the needs of students and other local residents could be successfully balanced, I would have no objection to it. Drugs Policy: I remain completely opposed to cannabis legalisation.
The Assembly building
elect a local Member using the ‘first past the post’ basis, one from each constituency in Wales. The second vote is used to elect twenty additional Members on a regional basis, to ensure that the overall number of seats for each political party reflects the share of the votes they receive. This is known as the Additional Member System (AMS), a form of proportional representation. The sixty Assembly Members delegate their executive powers (the making of decisions and laws) to the First Minister, who is elected
by the whole Assembly. The First Minister in turn delegates responsibility to a Cabinet, who make many of the Assembly’s day to day decisions. With no overall majority for any party in 1999, The Welsh Labour Party formed a minority government, creating a coalition with the Lib Dems. The current First Minister is Rhodri Morgan, Labour AM for Cardiff West. Cardiff Central is the smallest, most urban of all Welsh constituencies and has the highest student vote in Wales. The seat is currently held by Liberal Democrat Jenny Randerson.
WELSH ASSEMBLY: YOUR VIEWS Neil Quinney, 2nd year Physics, 20 “I had no idea that these elections are taking place as I don’t really know much about the Assembly. “I would vote if I knew more about the candidates, but to be honest, I have seen no publicity at all so far. “I know nothing about their manifestos.”
Helen Pickup, Care of Collections Msc, 22 “I think the Assembly has good and bad points. “One on hand, it can make more effective policy for Wales, but on the other, I think there is a danger of losing touch with the rest of Britain. I think that overall power should stay in London.”
Geraint Cribble, English graduate, 21 “I am definitely going to vote as I am very happy with devolution. I believe in independence for Wales, ideally to be more like the Scottish Parliament. “With increasing centralisation in the EU, Wales has to represent itself. I think there has been a fair bit of publicity for the elections, but more could be done to get the student vote.”
March 31 2003
UWIC set for merger
Music & Drama CRIME against fees FILE PHONE THEFTS ANOTHER SPATE of phone crime has taken place in the city centre recently. The thefts have taken place in a number of coffee shops and burger restaurants in the centre of Cardiff. The crimes are being committed by males believed to be of eastern European appearance, who are sometimes accompanied by young children. The men see mobile phones on tables, approach the table, open a map and ask for directions. They place the map on top of the phone, then pick up both together and walk off. Students should be aware of this crime and keep phones and other belongings in sight at all times when in public areas.
ROBBERY A STUDENT was attacked and robbed in the Cathays area last week, and police are appealing for witnesses to the crime. At 7.45pm on Saturday March 22, a male student was attacked in Glenroy Street, Cathays. Two white males approached him, punched him in the face and went on to steal his rucksack. If any person witnessed this incident they should contact local police.
FLASHER ALERT THE RECENT spell of fine weather has led to more flashers striking in the university area. The cycle path near Talybont halls of residence has been a favourite spot for flashers again. Every incident noticed should be reported to police and security.
BURGLARY A STUDENT flat was broken into at the Senghennydd Court hall of residence last week. Anyone who might have seen anything suspicious is asked to contact local policeman PC Bob Keohane. Property should not be left on window sills, and windows should be secured at night or when rooms are left empty. If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444. PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/ content/police.
Anna Hodgekiss reports FURIOUS CARDIFF students held a walk out day last week to express their disgust at the government’s proposal of top-up fees. The Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama students based on North Road campaigned outside their building tirelessly all day from nine in the morning. Despite it being revealed earlier this month that plans for top-up fees have been scrapped until at least 2007 in Wales, the protesters emphasised that their actions were geared towards the long term future of higher education. An entire university walkout had originally been scheduled for that day, but this was cancelled amid fears that the motive may be confused with the many antiwar protests occurring nationwide. The Music and Drama students attracted overwhelming support from the general public. From buses to bicycles, horns were constantly sounded and bells rung in enthusiastic response to the
students’ plight. The highlight of the day came at lunch time when the College’s brass band performed at the protest. This concert emphasised the motive behind the students’ actions. Union executive member and 1st year stage management student Joe Blackman told gair rhydd: “Lots of people can barely afford university as it is. “Additional top-up fees will force many students to reconsider attending higher education. Such steps will emphasise the rich and poor divide, leaving people having to attend universities they can afford and not the ones they want.” Third year actress Amy Starling added, “Student loans don’t cover anything. “I’ve got a part time job in a bar to enable me to eat and I spend all weekends working there when I should be doing coursework.” The students felt the walkout was important to ensure future generations did not suffer the effects of costly higher education and, following such a huge response, deemed their day of action a success.
Edward Walker reports A NEW super-university is to be created in Wales, with the merger of the University of Glamorgan and the University of Wales Institute, Cardiff set to take place by August 2004, pending the approval of the Welsh Assembly. The combined student number of the new university will be over 30,000, overtaking Cardiff University as the biggest higher education institution in Wales. Some voluntary redundancies will be made as a result of the merger. Margaret Phelan, regional official for Wales for the lecturers’ union Natfhe, has been given “assurances that compulsory redundancies will be avoided.” Professor Antony Chapman, vice-chancellor of UWIC, believes that the two universities will develop into a “new and excellent university.” UWIC Students’ Union
President Andrew Howard reassured UWIC students. He said, “A University of Wales degree is what you started out to get and this is what should be on that important piece of paper when you graduate.” Second year UWIC student Jenna Berryman was
concerned about the effects of the merger, however, and said, “It could lead to a decline in choice in Welsh higher education.” Whilst the name of the new university is yet to be decided, what is certain is that Cardiff University’s position as the largest in Wales is set to end.
PHOTO: TRISTAN CHATFIELD
UWIC, soon to merge with the University of Glamorgan
Cardiff - booze capital of UK
RWCMD’s brass band took part in the protests
Karen Richards reports CARDIFF IS in danger of becoming the UK capital of binge drinking, according to an alcohol and drugs charity. More money is spent on alcohol annually than in other cities such as Bristol, Birmingham and Edinburgh. A new report by Cardiff commercial property agents Stephenson and Alexander shows Cardiff as having a fast growing pub trade. The report’s findings show that the Millennium Stadium has been the major contributing factor in bringing vast numbers of revellers into the city.
Report author Peter Clarke said: “Cardiff’s city centre licensed market exploded into life around the focus of the Stadium in 1999.” Many of the major breweries report that their sales in Cardiff exceed most of their other UK city centre outlets. However, Iestyn Davies of the Welsh Council on Alcohol and Other Drugs is concerned with the image that is projected of what is a very culturally rich city. He said, “Cardiff is becoming known for binge drinking and the violence associated with it.” The issue of Cardiff’s
licensing system has been raised by Jon Owen Jones Labour MP for Cardiff Central and he has made a Parliamentary proposal to deal with the expansion of premises and drinkers. He states that although ending the 11pm closing time for pubs and the 2am closing time for clubs will lead to less friction, the high density and level of drinking will continue. He believes that adding a penny or two on to the price of an alcoholic drink will help to raise money for the emergency services, rather than depriving other parts of the city of emergency cover.
gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at gair rhydd the places and people making the ...World Roundup... headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the world
OPERA HOUSE SINGS ‘NO WAR’ SYDNEY: An Australian and a Briton joined forces to deface one of the world’s best known landmarks in a desperate bid to make their opinion heard on the Iraq war. Will Saunders, 42, climbed 67 metres up the Sydney Opera House and daubed “NO WAR” in large lettering on the building’s largest “sail”. The British astronomer, who has been living in Australia since 2000, was joined by his Australian accomplice David Burgess. The Australian authorities are threatening Mr Saunders
with deportation. Mr Saunders has said he will raise the funds to pay for the damage and he has apologised to those who said he was “ungrateful”. He said, “Please understand the frustration I felt when all legitimate
Sydney Opera House
avenues to prevent an illegal and bitterly unpopular war are closed off.”
“URINOTHERAPY”: A PISS POOR CURE CAMEROON: Health authorities in the West African country have warned citizens that drinking urine may not be advantageous to health. The announcement follows a wave of interest in “urinotherapy” within the country and worldwide. Many believe that drinking urine can give protection against such illnesses as haemorrhoids, ulcers, infertility and even snake bites. The health authorities in
Cameroon say they may even move to prosecute those who advertise the supposed benefits of drinking urine. Cameroon newspaper Le Messenger says that a book on “urinotherapy” has been
Wonder drug or piece of piss?
published in Switzerland and has become a best seller. But many people say that urine is part of Cameroon’s traditional medicine. Cameroon resident Omer Otabela commented, “When my grandmother was bitten by a snake, she drank her own urine. This slowed down the progress of the venom.” Minister for Health Urbain Olanguena Awono said about the issue, “Given the risks of toxicity associated with ingesting urine, the health ministry advises against urine consumption. “We invite those who promote the practise to cease doing so forthwith or risk prosecution.”
March 31 2003
You voted, they counted... Two weeks of campaigning, three days of voting, and over eleven and a half hours of counting. By last Friday night it was all over and your Union executive team for 2003-2004 was decided. gair rhydd was there to report...
Finn storms to epic win
FINNBAR GRAHAM stormed to a landslide victory in the race for Union president this year. With an unconventional and often amusing campaign, Finnbar garnered over twice as many votes (1,598) as his nearest competitor, Chris Dixon (768). “I’m feeling pretty damned good!” Finnbar said. “It was a tough campaign; all the candidates were very
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good in their own right. “Commiserations to the other candidates, and huge thanks to all my campaign team: John Houghton, Daf
students unions in the UK, but the biggest and best.” Runner-up Chris Dixon offered his congratulations. “Ambition is fucking critical in this election,” he said. “Fair play to Finn, he unprecedentedly beat a sabbatical officer. “I hope he can fill the big shoes that Caz will leave behind – if he wants any help next year I’ll be around finishing my course. And there’s always next year.”
Academic affairs result on a knife-edge
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Rami Goussous celebrates
Rhys - the genius behind the dead body outlines idea Chaya Patel, Cat Payne, Jane Payne, Sarah Johnson and Niamh Hislop.” Finnbar outlined his plans for the coming year. “We’ve got excellent student services here at Cardiff but they’re only excellent as long as people know about them, so I will be getting out there and publicising things.” “I’ll make this not just one of the biggest and best
IN THE first of the night’s heartbreakingly close contests, this year’s IMG Chair Billy Lee pipped current Postgraduates Officer David Manning to the post of Academic Affairs Officer.
Billy won on the second round of counting with a majority of 129 votes. Speaking just after his win, Billy said “I’m ecstatic, elated and can’t believe it’s happened. “My campaign manager Elan Winter really has been fantastic, an absolute star. I also want to thank my girlfriend Ellie - she couldn’t support me properly as she was deputy returning officer but she’s just been there for
me, I can’t really thank her enough. I can’t really think straight at the moment, I’m so bowled over by what’s gone on, it was so close.” Second-placed David Manning was disappointed to have lost but thanked everyone who supported or voted for him. “It was a close contest, and I worked very hard,” he said. “But I’ve got my PhD to finish now, and that’s a big enough challenge!”
AU race tiring to the end CANDIDATES FOR the post completely amazing from the of Athletic Union President start, I completely respect faced a gruelling five-hour them and can’t thank them enough as it’s wait to find out their TOM BROWN 32% so tiring.” Tom also results. 25% KIA SMITH had detailed At 2.30am 19% plans for the Tom Brown HEFIN EVANS was elated to MICHELLE FLAHERTY 10% year ahead. “I want to hear of his 6% JAMIE PARKINSON make it easier election to the 1% to join sports p o s i t i o n , R.O.N. clubs at the c o m f o r t a b l y SPOILS 6% Fresher’s Sports beating this (SPOILS INCLUDES NON-VOTES Fair. year’s AU FOR THIS POSITION) “One day’s Vice-President Kia Smith by a 283-vote not enough as the massive margin in the fourth round of queues put people off. “I’d like to continue the counting. The race for AU President success of the Varsity, taking was perhaps the most hotly it over to Swansea and contested of this year’s beating them on their own elections, with stunts ground and also encourage including troupes of the University to compete on cheerleaders yelling for votes a more international level. I to and candidates stripping off want a i m in lectures. Victor Tom Brown told gair high.” rhydd: “I’m speechless, it’s been a 2.30am Friday Union officials together with Returning Officer Caz long, long two weeks. “My friends were all Noyes announce the AU President result
Presidential candidates wait tensely for their results
Rami cruises home
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AN UNCHALLENGED Rami Goussous became the new Societies & Union Secretary, easily seeing off the largest RON challenge of the elections. Though RON mustered a respectable 427 votes, Rami’s 2,038 was more than enough to
ensure he won on the first count. “I’m chuffed and really happy, it’s the best day ever,” he said after the results were announced. “I’d like to thank everyone who’s supported me throughout the whole thing and everyone who voted. “I’m going to try and see what other things I can improve apart from what’s mentioned in my manifesto. Hopefully it’ll go well!”
Mike ‘just does it’
MIKE RABJOHNS effortlessly claimed the prize of the Finance & Commercial Services position after both his competitors pulled out earlier in the campaign. The football team captain achieved a majority of nearly 1,800 votes over RON. “I’m really relieved. I was very nervous - it’s difficult when you’re running unopposed to know what the standard’s going to be and how much or how little you should have campaigned,” he said. “I’m looking forward to next
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year and working hard for the team. “Thanks to everyone who voted for me, to Andy who was my campaign manager, he did a great job as did all the boys who helped me out. “I’ve got quite a few things in mind for next year, hopefully people will respond to them.”
March 31 2003
and now the results are in Your election report team: Anna Hodgekiss & Mark Cobley
Not such a close shave
TASH HETTIHEWA secured an outright victory over RON to become Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer. As an uncontested candidate she scooped a massive 2,226 votes. This was the highest number of personal votes for any sabbatical officer. “I’m really pleased,” Tash said. “I campaigned even though I was uncontested
Tristan triumphs in GR landslide vote
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because I didn’t just want to get it by default.” “I wanted to get it because people thought I could do it. I think the votes prove that.”
New GR editor Tristan Thomas faces reporters
Emma edges victory in close Comms count THE LAST result of the election was also one of the closest, as Emma Bebington just squeezed past Ben Coak to become next year’s Communications and Community Officer. The long and complicated count went right down to the fourth round, at which point Emma beat Ben by a razorthin margin of eight votes. The agonisingly close result was the final twist in a hardfought campaign that had been marred by controversy over third-placed candidate Helen Dorritt’s disqualification
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and reinstatement the previous weekend. Current Equal Opportunities & Welfare Officer Emma said, “I’m feeling great, very relieved. “I’m just amazed, it was so
Photos: Charlotte Spratt
TRISTAN THOMAS became the new gair rhydd Editor in the elections’ second landslide result. The count not only gave him the largest majority amongst the contested positions, but also meant he was the only contested candidate to achieve victory in the first round of counting. “I’m just so relieved,” Tristan said. “I thought I’d lost it to be honest, when I saw the piles of votes being counted. You
always have self-doubt and I’ve been having so much of that in the last 24 hours. “I’ve won this because I’ve had the best campaign team. My mates have been legendary. “Hopefully I’ve run a campaign that’s based on policies and a genuine care for the future of the paper.” “Sorry to anyone I’ve badgered though!” Runner-up Gemma Jones was sanguine about the result. “Congratulations to Tristan.
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I’m actually very relieved, and now I get to do a traineeship at Cosmopolitan magazine in Switzerland during the summer.”
very close. “Fair play to Ben, he worked so hard. If there was anyone who deserved to win it was him. “But now, this next year I’ll be really putting my heart into the fees campaign.” Ben congratulated Emma on her victory. “I’m disappointed to have lost, but hopefully I’ve left my mark on Cardiff Union. “I’ve organised a campaign to feed the homeless with students’ leftover food this year, so I’m really pleased with that.”
Election officials supervise the count for Communications & Community Officer
THE NON-SABBATICAL elections also saw their fair share of drama and truimph. Though most of the positions were uncontested the average number of votes cast rocketed compared to previous years, with many judging the Union’s experiment to hold both sets of elections simultaneously a success.
who voted for me.” Counting ceased at 2am, leaving the rest of the candidates in suspense until the next day. FRIDAY, 1.30 PM Alex Macpherson was elected gair rhydd Deputy
Editor beating Riath Al-Samarrai by 400 votes. Speaking after the results were announced, a disappointed Riath said, “Fair play to Alex, the better campaign won I suppose. It was a good laugh though and we had a really quality time.”
FRIDAY, 1.35 PM The battle for Xpress Radio Station Manager saw the closest contest of the whole election. Karen Sharp secured a crucial five vote majority to claim victory over fellow station member Elin Davies. The atmosphere was electric as the
AT A G L A N C E
Non-Sabb R e s u l t s
THURSDAY, 12.00 PM Beca Murphy cruised to victory for the IMG Chair despite not attending the count with a majority of 1,500 votes over RON.
IMG Chair Beca Murphy R.O.N. Spoils
FRIDAY, 12.20 AM The similarly absent Ying Wang was elected International Affairs Officer after gathering 2,342 votes. FRIDAY, 1.15 AM Lee Gregory filled former officer James Knight’s shoes as Gay and Bisexual Officer. Lee was delighted with the result, achieving a 1,600 vote majority over RON. “I’m really happy about winning. Big thanks to my campaign team and everyone
“At the end of the day gair rhydd’s all about sport anyway.” Alex was ecstatic at his win: “I’m hugely relieved and definitely looking forward to next year. I’d like to thank John Hopkins, Andrew Davidson and Amy Butterworth in particular for their support.”
68% 11% 21%
International Affairs 75% Ying Wang 8% R.O.N. 17% Spoils Gay and Bisexual Officer 69% Lee Gregor y 10% R.O.N. 21% Spoils
Xpress Station Manager candidates Karen Sharp and Elin Davies await the result of their count
gair rhydd Deputy Editor 45% Alex Macpherson 31% Riath Al-Samarrai 5% R.O.N. 19% Spoils
Xpress Radio Manager 37.6% Karen Sharp 37.4% Elin Davies 5% R.O.N. 20% Spoils Women’s Officer 73% Caralyn Richards 7% R.O.N. 20% Spoils Mature Students Officer 71% Janine Jones 7% R.O.N. 22% Spoils AU Vice Presidents 43% Bethan Skelton 35% Philip Moody 4% R.O.N. 18% Spoils
count entered its second round. “I’m really shocked, it was so stupidly close. I can’t breathe at the moment,” said Karen. “It was just so close and I know Elin could have done the job really well too.” FRIDAY, 2.00 PM After a prolonged wait as the order of count was reshuffled, Caralyn Richards was elected Women’s Officer. Despite her uncontested status, Caralyn was in high spirits after her victory. "I’m feeling jubilant! I’m glad it’s all over but nervous for everyone else left now.” FRIDAY, 2.15 PM Mature Students Officer Janine Jones was re-elected, unopposed, following her byelection victory earlier this year. FRIDAY, 2.35 PM Phil Moody and Bethan Skelton claimed confident victories over RON to become joint AU Vice-Presidents. Phil said, “I’m absolutely chuffed, I couldn’t believe the turnout. I’m really looking forward to next year.”
Editorial & Opinion
March 31 2003
gair rhydd EDITORIAL
his fortnight has been full of active campaigning and demonstrating. Cardiff students have really been making their voice heard, be that through voting in the non-sabb and sabb elections, or joining in with the Anti-War peace protests on the streets of the city centre. Good for you. Firstly, hooray and well done to those elected to join the Union Exec next year. It has to be said that all nominees did themselves proud, and the extremely close results, reflects the quality across the board. It is quite an odd feeling for us, those who are being replaced. Afterall, it is a pretty unique way of leaving a job. You haven’t been sacked or really even actively decided to leave, (though arguably not standing for the position again is this), but yet you know who is going to take over from you at the end of the year. It makes you feel part redundant part pleased and, of course, quite excited by the prospect of getting a new job. Hmm. I’ll keep you posted on that one… It must be the time for feeling a little peculiar. Attending the Anti-War protests in Cardiff last week was another strange experience. Though brilliant to see so many students present, it seems a shame that abuse like “piss off and get a job”, was heard hurled from agitated car drivers, disrupted by the march. “Haven’t you got anything better to do” was another classic line, probably said by an individual who lives by social stereotypes and tomorrow will moan about student apathy and laziness. Sorry idiot, but wouldn’t you say that peacefully supporting something you really believe in is good enough anyhow? I was incredibly proud to be there and, though not the most vocal or active protester by any means, it is something at least to feel you are with others who feel the same. Solidarity is a strangely comforting thing. At least we have actively attempted to make our opinion known. On a completely different and comparatively unimportant subject, I want to take the opportunity provided by the editorial to address queries regarding gair rhydd, sent to us in letters and text messages. This fortnight, TV listings have come under scrutiny. In answer to a number of questions, S4C is used rather than C4 because if using readable size text, there is only space for one channel, and more people can tune in to S4C, thus it has preference. Though I apologise for this, it’s not a huge problem in the great scheme of things, is it?
Dear Prime Minister... decision-making. I am thus writing to voice four widely held objections to the war:
Andrew Davidson writes
n open letter to the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair MP, Prime Minister.
Dear Mr. Blair, In the early hours of Thursday March 20 UK troops began attacking Iraq. This course of action is whole-heartedly opposed by millions of people, both nationwide and worldwide. I had hoped that you would have already heard, and rightfully acted upon, the opinion of those who oppose such action, but sadly it would appear otherwise. Despite efforts made to bring these issues to your attention, namely umpteen petitions, letters and marches throughout the UK, you seem to remain oblivious to the interests of British citizens. You have failed to announce any rational explanation for your
1) The decision to go war has been taken in an undemocratic manner. Representative democracy, the supposed system of governance in the UK, involves the use of delegates to a national assembly to represent the interests, needs, and views of citizens. Given the widespread opposition to this war amongst UK citizens, you and your allegedly representative government are thereby rendered null and void. On February 15 central London saw the biggest ever demonstration in the history of the country in protest against a war on Iraq. Furthermore, as late as Wednesday March 19 an ICM poll showed that only 38% of British people supported this war. That’s even less than the proportion of the electorate that voted for you in 2001! Your decision to invade Iraq does not reflect UK public opinion and is thus the nail in the coffin of UK democracy.
2) This war is immoral. You claim to be a Christian, yet I struggle to find any Christian criteria that justify the use of violence, far less the killing and maiming of innocent men, women and children. If the decision to invade Iraq was taken on a secular basis, there are still no moral criteria that permit the killing of innocent civilians without a just cause. Bomb Saddam, but don’t bomb anyone else. Behind every individual killed, there will be a family in mourning. You are responsible for this suffering, pain, anguish and loss. 3) This war is illegal. The UN, NATO and the EU are forums for debating issues of international interest as war. Bypassing such institutions makes a mockery of the principles and ideology which underpin international diplomacy. Why put so much effort into European alignment when you have no intention of making compromising agreements with our international partners in current circumstances? The existence of such debating platforms is
laughable when you ignore their conclusions whenever they prove to be inconsistent with your personal agenda. 4) This war is will not achieve the objectives that you claim it will. Unlike a refrigerator, gas central heating, or a garage door, democracy cannot be “installed”. Democracy is a mind-set, a political consciousness, and must therefore be the product of the Iraqi people, not a USled imposition. If you truly care for the welfare of the Iraqi population, you would allow weapons inspections to continue. This would allow the destruction of Saddam’s arsenal, thus aiding citizens to rise up democratically and autonomously without fear of being quashed by the state. In the 1960s Iraqi democrats and socialists consistently tried such tactics but failed, due to the Ba’athist (Saddam’s party) repression. So, given that this war will not achieve that which it sets out to, I naturally wonder how will it conclude? More importantly, what is the real
agenda for this war? Imperialism? Control of the world’s second largest oil supply? Lastly Mr. Blair, I plead for help in two ways. Firstly, as I cannot find a justification for this war on democratic, moral, legal, or purposive grounds, can you please explain your rationale for invasion in its fullest possible terms? Secondly, please take stock of the issues raised in this letter. I, in the company of millions of fellow citizens, have protested, picketed and petitioned against this war, but to little avail. If you continue to ignore your citizens, our anti-war tactics will have no option but to become increasingly disruptive. We cannot, and will not, stand back and allow you to wreak violence the world over. Finally, please remember that the real power in politics will always rest with the people of this world. We have nothing to lose, but have whole of world peace to win. Yours, sincerely, Andrew Davidson
Oscar would have been bored LaDonna Hall writes
can’t be the only person who thought this year’s Oscars ceremony was unbelievably dull, not to mention surreal. The tension surrounding the event before it even started meant that several key players decided to abstain, and even those who turned up looked decidedly bemused. What can the Oscars mean to the
Americans when their country is leading the first big conflict of the 21st century? So to tone down the proceedings was undeniably necessary, but made for such tedious viewing. From the truncated ‘red’ carpet that led Steve Martin to quip “That’ll send them a message”, to the prevalence of black in the wardrobe department, the night was never going to be about the razzle dazzle. It just meant that we were dying for some action, some controversy. Everyone knew the errant Roman Polanski wouldn’t show up, but if he had, would there have been a police show-down before or after he took to the stage to
collect his gong? Was there a possibility that the blooming Catherine Zeta-Jones might begin labour mid acceptance speech? We could but hope. In the end we had to settle for some impromptu tonsil tennis courtesy of the foppish Adrien Brody and a shell-shocked Halle Berry, and of course a wonderful anti-Bush tirade from Michael Moore. Michael Moore. He singlehandedly lifted Oscars night from the doldrums with his scathing attack on the current political situation. “We live in a time where we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. “We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war
for fictitious reasons,” he shouted amidst a confusing din of boos and cheers. The audience clearly didn’t know
how to react, but that just made for a better spectacle. And surely that’s just what the Oscars are all about.
A waste of words in a P.C. world Alex Macpherson writes
olitical correctness is a much-misused term these days. A reference to the labelling of certain words or phrases as socially unacceptable, its actual
origins are somewhat hazy – a fact which renders it all too easy for those on the right to lazily attach it to any statement with which they disagree, a trend prevalent in the pages of the Daily Mail, Telegraph and even gair rhydd’s very own letters pages. There are reams of anti-PC literature to be found on the internet; even disregarding the rabid foamings of conservative academics such as Bill Lind, it’s notable that there is very little defending political correctness,
at least using that term. We’ve all heard the PC horror stories: the American teacher sacked for using the word ‘niggardly’, the mangling of the English language in bids to be genderneutral (hands up who wants to be referred to as a ‘chairperson’). All the attacks on political correctness – that it is at best laughable, at worst borderlinefascistic – have a great deal of validity. Deeming a word or action offensive imbues it with even more power, and in
many ways coerces the ‘victim’ on its receiving end to feel offended; as anyone who’s witnessed racism, sexism or homophobia first-hand knows, the most effective way to deal with it is to realise that it’s simply not important enough to get offended about. Most of the time, though, what anti-PC thinkers confuse political correctness with is either sensitivity or accuracy. To refrain from calling a black person ‘nigger’ or a gay person ‘faggot’ in a hostile context
Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with a 300-word piece
(the importance of context and tone must be emphasised) isn’t PC, merely polite. On another level, it’s not racist to point out that a group of muggers were black, but it is very inaccurate to claim that they somehow represent other black people and ‘let them down’, or ‘give them a bad name’. Statements such as that are far closer in spirit to PC’s fauxliberal bollocks; political correctness gone mad, so to speak.
gair rhydd 31 03 03
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MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.
TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.
Classifieds • 09
SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk. BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on email@example.com Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk. POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on firstname.lastname@example.org All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union. AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on email@example.com and Kia Smith on firstname.lastname@example.org IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on email@example.com MATURE STUDENTS: Janine Jones on JoneaJH@cardiff.ac.uk
One room available now share with 2 girls. All mod. cons. Own sink. £200 pcm. Tele 20667037, 07966 175284
If you need to contact the officers make sure you do. They are voted in, like the Sabbs, to help you lot out if you need it. Isn’t email a wonderful thing?...get in touch, and if it’s about something we can help with, then let us know too!
ROOM AVAILABLE IMMEDIATELY in friendly house on Spencer Street, off Crwys Road. Newly decorated, fully equipped kitchen and bathroom. Broadband internet. £200 per month plus bills. Contact Kate 02920916585
EMPLOYMENT Take the total number of classified advertisements submitted to the Employment section of the Gair Rhydd, times it by the number of hilarious photographs of half naked posing housemates who happen to have birthdays this month, multiply this by the amount of rice crispies you had in your bowl this morning and it results in absolutely fuck all. What’s wrong with you? Does Cardiff have 100% full employment? Have all of the cameras in Cardiff spontaneously stopped working? Well? What exactly are your excuses. You make me sick. Either send in some ‘hilarious’ photographs of your buddies or I will, in fact, print a picture of me being sick. And you’ll have no-one to blame but yourselves. Three lines to fill. Hmmmm, aggggghhh, indeeeeeeeed, wahaaaaaaay! Duuuuuuude! Treeeeeeeeeeeeee! Boooooooooooooook! In fact who wants a job anyway? It’s just more work for everyone. I’ve always wondered if one spent an hour scouring
Queen’s Street for spare change dropped by careless housewives, and scamming tramps out of their hard-begged pennies one could hope to make an amount in the region of £5, which I’m guessing is the average hourly wage for a student (I don’t know though, why the hell would I?). Hence why the need for a job? Scour the streets! Be your own boss! Answer to noone but yourself! No dealing with obese secondary-school drop-outs who vent their bitterness on intellectually superior juniors! No tax! No ridiculous uniform! No pathetic work Christmas parties! This is looking more and more attractive the more you think about it, isn’t it! ISN’T IT???
MISCELLANEOUS 80WMP.com! A new typing service available to make your life easier. Efficient copy and audio typing done by Liz on 02920751968 Great words: Equilibrium. Fax. Wampum. Chedder. Spangle. Bonkers. Sobriety. Shed Seven. (illegible for two reasons.) Chipper. Breast. Shit words: Serviette. Beverage. Bungalow. Great. Alright. Nice. Fine. My wit is failing. Help me...come in with your classifieds. Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.
DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!
gair rhydd 31 03 03
10 • Competitions
BIG WIN CIRCUS ++ COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING ++
The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray!
Miss Saigon The lucky blagger of the Miss Saigon theatre tickets and a weekend in lovely Bristol is... Benji Hammond Go see Sam in the Marketing department on the 2nd floor of the union to arrange a date for your trip.
The Sum of All Fears The following thrillseeking sofa jockeys have won a copy of the PS2 wondergame... David Heath Nick Parsons Chun Yan All winners, come and collect your prizes from the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union.
gairrhydd Drop your answersand pigeons- into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union. Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps@ hotmail.com
Bang is the new pop F
uture Publishing explodes onto the music scene with the launch of Bang, its major music monthly. Bang is the rock’n’roll manual for a new generation of music fans turned on by exciting new groups like The White Stripes, The Strokes and The Darkness but left cold by the magazines currently on offer. The launch hopes to echo and celebrate the passion and excitement generated by this music explosion, helping readers Paul Burell: our experience the ugly thrill of great new music up close. Incendiary new rock music is re-energising the market. kind of rock This sector now accounts for 28% of all album sales and the BPI forecast 11% growth over the next five years. This market – and Bang’s readers – comprise the notoriously elusive 16 – 24 kids who are dedicated and obsessive about music, demonstrating their allegiances like badges of honour, through the music they buy, the t-shirts they wear, and the magazines they read. A bit like the readers of gair rhydd, really, wearing their tired expressions like some shameful disease as they nihilistically consume the media fodder that is this newspaper. Or so we’d like to think. Surely not everyone gets gair rhydd just for the TV guide? Surely? But heyenough about us. We’re here to talk about Bang. Bang’s editors and visionaries are The Gloom brothers, Crispin Parry and Danny Ford, who interestingly are neither brothers nor called Gloom. This kind of semantic inconsistency doesn’t seem to have caused the pair any problems, though. They have previously created the highly regarded independent
I do my killing before breakfast
ur friends at UbiSoft have surpassed themselves once more with their Wild West shoot-em-up, Gunfighter II for the PlayStation 2. You play as Jesse James, the infamous outlaw and homemaker. The game is set in the world of spaghetti westerns, so you can expect large quantities of comedy Mexicans with big moustaches and improbably busty saloon whores rather than the more realistic perils of frontier life such as dysentry and starvation. Instead, immerse yourself in a fully-rendered hollywood western with every piece of scenery, costume and character brought to life with a worrying attention to detail. The game features atmospheric music- probably halting renditions of Lockjaw Rag on a honky tonk piano- and the latest in graphic effects including slow motion and motion blur. To increase the excitement to unprecedented levels you can even play the game three times to win bronze, silver and gold spurs- each time with a different weapon and with an increased level of difficulty. If you hanker for the simple pleasures of shooting Native Americans in the face and smashing bottles over the heads of unwitting buffaloes, then Gunfighter II might be the game for you. Answer the insultingly difficult question below to win a copy!
Win Gunfighter II for PS2 Which of these movies is regarded as a Wild West classic? A: B: C:
Back to the Future I Back to the Future II Back to the Future III
If you can’t answer this one then there’s no point in you living.
++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++
magazine Circuit, album covers, photo archives, reviews and design for the music industry and several other projects in the underground UK recording and live music scene. They are also part-time members of the Polyphonic Spree choir, which in my book makes them bloody good eggs and more than qualified for running a top-hole magazine. Bang says, "Our cumulative expertise means that we are able to create a magazine the market has been crying out for. It’s a really exciting project." It certainly is, guys. Long live Bang, and long live rock and roll. God bless. We have a y e a r s subscription to the magazine to give away, and five rocksatchels, Which organ is most used for containing a t- appreciating the majesty of rock? shirt and other Bang goodness. A: Liver But you really B: Pancreas want that year’s C: Ear subscription though. Man, that’d be darn sweet. Don’t disrespect me, fool... Enter now lest hesitation claim answer now. your soul.
Win Bang magazine for a year
gair rhydd 31 03 03
Five Minute Fun • 11
O d d s and sods
plain s v t o shit h NOT
words of the week
The coolest people in the world will be using these words this week. Trust me...
bodacious funktastic ner d aler t ob long
urry reen c g i a h ” T nglish pizza gym “Full En to the Going in a ti
What the hell happened to you?
We don’t like these people this fortnight. So we ‘improved’ them
N ew s F l a s h – Two aerials got married at the weekend. The ceremony wasn’t up to much but the reception was brilliant.
e Frisbe park
nother Just a Monday manic rs
ade heerle C s r e Danc y cold His ic Funky heart
a Mini B
A bit of a quiz* *Don’t write in kids, it’s just for fun!
An easy one to get you going – 1 which TV show of our youth starred
n stic sage o
Zippy, George, Bungle and Jeffrey?
Mayall, Ade Edmonson and co. had 2 Rik a cult TV show about students in the
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
F i v e t h i n g s w o m e n c a n n o t d o ...
What the hell happened to you? A: Geri ‘Whining Minger’ Halliwell B: Vernon ‘Fucken’ Kay GR Charades Whistle down the Wind Quiz: 1. Rainbow 2. The Young Ones 3. Grampus 8 4. Greyskull 5. Dexy’s Midnight Runners...oh my lost youth!
Evergreen tree (7) Thick, sugary liquid (5) Discharge, expel (5) Rust (7) Afters (7) Sense in the mouth (5) Three games of bridge (6) Irish whisky (6) Hit, or influence (5) Just arrived (7) Hairdresser (coll) (7) Of the kidneys (5) Be a sign of (5) Control (7) Tree___, small songbird (7) Beg (5) Plait (7) Heavy, uninteresting food (6) Loose-fitting, simple dress (5) Re-emerge (7) A man in chess (5) Increasing sharply in value (7) Advancing (7) Dumbfound (7) Open a present (6) Seeds of the cacau tree (5) Gradually lessen (5) Another name for the snow leopard (5)
Last for tnight’s answers:
“By the power of ...?” Complete this He4 Man line from 80s cartoon Masters of the Universe
5 Who sang Come on Eileen?
Members of gr ‘act’ out a FILM & MUSICAL for your... no, actually, our own pleasure. But which one?
Across: 1, Implication 9, Silly 10, Crevise 11, Equerry 12, Eclat 13, Tactic 15, Etcher 18, Truss 20, Accusal 22, Outward 23, Bless 24, Protagonist Down: 2, Mollusc 3, Layer 4, Coccyx 5, Thereat 6, Oriel 7, Ostentation 8, Featureless 14, Instant 16, Hostess 17, Lapdog 19, Utter 21, Cabin
WIN! From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...
Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 13 15 16 17 18 19 21
play for before retirement?
F i v e t h i n g s m e n c a n n o t d o ... get a massage without getting an erection; admit when they’re lost; lie without looking at the ceiling; sit down to pee; talk to a woman without looking at her chest.
1 5 8 9 10 11 12 14 18 20 22 23 24 25
3 Which footie team did Gary Lineaker
In the last year you will have swallowed 14 insects while you slept During an hour’s swim in a public pool, you’ll ingest half a litre of urine Daily you breathe in a litre of other peoples’ anal gases In a year’s worth of fast food, there’ll be 12 public hairs
know anything about a car except its colour; understand fruit machines; eat a kebab whilst walking; let you sleep with a hangover; not talk when the TV’s on.
W B Ye a t s
80s. It’s name?
Open ‘til 11, seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300
Hungry? Me too. Complete the crossword, fill in the form to the right and bring the lot up to the gair rhydd office which you’ll find riiiiiight at the top of the Union building. Funniest tie breaker wins the grub. Simple! Last edition’s winner was Jessica Smalldon, come up and grab your booty!
NAME:_________________________ EMAIL:________________________ BRIE. DISCUSS: _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________
12 • Comment
gair rhydd 31 03 03
WARGASM!/DESPAIR, WESTERN-STYLE/CHOIR NEWS/I’M A COCKROACH/NEWSPAPER, NOT A VIEWSPAPER/HORSE PORN/RUMSFELD TODAY, KISSINGER TOMORROW By D C Gates AHA. IN A staggering display of stupidity, I have managed to lose the entirety of this article, so what you see before you is a haphazard reconstruction from the bowels of my caffeine-addled memory. Firstly, there’s not going to be any war stuff this week, as by the time I’ve even finished writing this article, ‘we’ will be liberating the people of Iraq by microwaving them with just-short-ofnuclear-war bombing raids. A bit like treating toothache with decapitation, really. So, no anti-war sentiment after this paragraph, as things are moving far too quickly for me to offer a reasonable comment. Except, that is, to encourage all the protesters to keep at it. The mistake made by corduroy-clad hippies in the sixties was to marginalise themselves and limit their protests to ending the Vietnam war, thus rendering their activities pointless after Nixon ended the war - and with it a movement for social change. If the active voice of protest is allowed to stagnate, or to become disenfranchised, any impact on the public’s “acceptance” of war will dissipate. Still, keep the home fires burning and all that, eh? Bah! I have an unaccountable pain in my left foot, the sort of dull ache that flares up at periodic intervals just to remind you that it’s still there, and, no, it’s not going away. These sort of random pains afflict me more than I would consider normal, to the point where I consider them as some sort of mischief being worked on me from afar. This, along with an increase of complaints, communicated through the sinister medium of the mobile telephone, leads
me quite naturally to adopt a position of intense paranoia. Readers are invited to place sweepstakes as to exactly what form my inevitable mental collapse will take - will it be a killing spree, suicide (separate bets on the method), elopement, or full-on substance addiction? Keep an eye on the first few pages of gair rhydd in the next couple of weeks, readers. As you now know, within the space of three paragraphs (okay, three days) the invasion of Iraq has begun. Whatever you say about George Bush, you can’t fault his enthusiasm. The enthusiasm of a man who knows he’ll get a good night’s sleep protected by the tightest security in the world, and never be involved in armed conflict. Sleep tight, Georgy. Obviously, the war will dominate the attention of the media for some time, so expect to see (or not, as the case may be) some sterling examples of buried news items, either at the behest of the press or the sources themselves. For instance, now would be a great time for NASA to quietly announce that it has no proper defences against a giant meteorite shower heading straight for Earth. And so, when the world has three days left to clear up its business, NASA can save its face by stating, “we DID tell you in time. You just wouldn’t listen.” Publicity is the ‘tempting’ company share package given in exchange for your pension. Publicity is any ‘positive thinking!’ campaign, the jolly faces behind the counter in a fast food chain commercial. I can remember watching the late news a few hours before Princess Di died, when the story broke that over three hundred people had
Dustbin of History PERCY HILLCHURCH, 1ST EARL OF ROCHESTER (1695-1768) In these troubled times, we could do just as well to remember some of our lesser-known war heroes - the people who risked their lives, so that we might enjoy the freedoms that we have always cherished, people of courage and diligence, people of integrity, just people, moral people. People like those sent to their deaths by Percy Hillchurch. Percy Vaughan St. John Roger Gore Hillchurch was a second cousin twiceremoved from Queen Anne, and was born into a large and prosperous family. His father, an investor in silks and tea as well as a cunning landowner, was well-known in court, where he stayed just on the right side of rakishness (it is believed that he, Belvedere Hillchurch, was the subject behind many a popular ballad of the day). Most of Percy’s brothers and sisters died fighting duels, or in riding or sporting accidents, some of which, with the benefit of hindsight, appear rather sinister. For example, in 1709, Percy, his younger brother
Thomas, and their sister Emily were riding out on the estate, with the intention of killing some of the plentiful wildlife that it afforded. Apparently sighting a rare and tasty breed of fowl, Thomas dismounted and disappeared into the undergrowth. Believing that they were surrounded by dangerous beasts, such as badgers, owls or ferrets, brother and sister fired their guns, as well as those of the servants, into the bushes. Over the next few years, all of Percy’s older siblings would perish in tragic circumstances. Having saved up to buy a commission of lieutenant-general in the army, Percy enjoyed active service in both the Jacobite risings. Indeed, he is remembered for having bravely directed his troops from his favourite London club, giving only the same simple order: “Kill the bastards, all of them.” Strangely enough, vast tracts of the Highlands were soon in his possession, and he retired from public vision to live off the labours of others, receiving gout like an order of bravery. He died in his bed, a very fat and wealthy man.
been massacred in Afghanistan. “There’ll be more on this later as more information comes in”, said our concerned anchorman. Lo and behold, when my dad woke me up by saying “ding dong, the witch is dead”, there was no further report on the killings, either in the papers or the news programmes. The compassion of the British media, eh? Other possible news to be buried over the next couple of days might include “Queen Mother refuses to die”, “90% of supermarket milk is the produce of dogs”, “Swiss annexe Germany” and “Large anti-war demonstrations across Britain”. Over the last couple of issues, the letters page of gair rhydd has been inundated with complaints, accusing us of being a bunch of politically-correct lefties. As anyone who has spent any time at all in the office on a Wednesday or Thursday night will tell you, we are hardly bastions of political correctness. The opportunity to report a number of “innocent remarks, taken out of context” (in a Duke of Edinburgh stylee) would make a PC-nazi cover the floor with drool. As for the politics of this publication’s contributors, very few people actually make concrete political statements, so barring a few exceptions, any conclusion that gair rhydd is a ‘leftwing’ paper is mere speculation. Once again, we extend the obligatory invitation for anyone interested in the output of gair rhydd to come up and contribute something. No, honestly, we really mean it when we say this. The fourth floor might seem like a long way to walk, but there is a lift that will take you almost to our doorstep. And half of us are leaving
soon. The actual content of this paper is not ultimately decided by decisions from the top, but by the efforts of the contributors and the section editors nothing more than the sum of its parts. After all, we’re all volunteers, just like the Accrington Pals… Hmm. Come to think of it, the war doesn’t leave me with much else to write about, as it makes my disjointed rambings seem even more trivial then normal. However, the constant state of poverty of my life has just grown worse, so much so that I may have to leave university, so I’m not really thinking straight at present. See you in the next paragraph. According to the constant media polls, the majority of the public has changed its mind over the war in Iraq, to the tune that they now support action there. Now, I’m only speculating here, but were these questionnaires worded as to ask “do you support our brave boys, risking their lives in Iraq?” Feeling a degree of sympathy for the soldiers (although it might well be added that if you join the army, fighting in a war is a reasonable expectation) is not the same as supporting military action. The fact is that a lot of anti-war feeling is still there, and just because war is in progress does not render it irrelevant. Despite the size and number of demonstrations, any reference to them (if at all) in the mass media is limited, as if viewed through the wrong end of a telescope. So headlines, if rendered truthfully, might read “Nation turns to war - under Mr Murdoch’s orders.” Oh dear; looks like another slapped wrist for
me. But not at the wrinkled mitts of old Rupert, that’s for sure. I reckon that without his entourage of meaty henchmen, Murdoch (who is believed to be at least ninety percent evil) wouldn’t stand a chance against even my alcoholweakened fists. So come on, Rupe, it’s geek against geek, mano e mano. I’m full of piss and vinegar and waiting just for you! Actually, to think of it, if there are any other newspaper magnates or billionaire tycoons who feel like fighting with the staff of gair rhydd, give us a ring and we’ll see what we can do. And so, as the period of actual teaching in the academic year draws to a close, it is surely time to think back and look back at what we have achieved. Essays and deadlines, once minor nagging thoughts, have now assumed the form of very real threats, bugbears on a par with John Major, decimalisation, and Marathon changing into Snickers. In other words, monumental at the time, but in retrospect, not quite as dreadful then as thought. Yes, now is not the time to start worrying; now’s the time to put that bludgeon of an intellect to work. The time for worrying comes later...but not that much. So, nothing much else for me to say, except to wish you all a very happy break from university. Obviously, it won’t be that happy as you have exams and essays to think about, plus there’s the grim spectre of the war haunting our every waking moment, but, y’know, I feel as if I could just reach out and give each and every one of you a hug. If only I could get out of this damnable iron lung...
YOUR HOROSCOPES with Madame Cynthia Raking up the bare bones of your sorry little lives... Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Clear your head and get out there, for at last love is in the air. However, continued or lengthy exposure can cause respiratory problems, so a gas hood is advised. Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Like an overbearing uncle, ripped to the tits on canned lager, Mars looms large in your sign in these coming weeks. Expect many opportunities to present themselves, but sadly none that you’ll seriously want to take up, such as a piccalillieating contest. Gemini (May 22 - June 22) The unfortunate and embarrassing appearance of your fingerprints on items of other people’s property, including several murder weapons, can be blamed on the Moon’s influence over Saturn in the last few days. What a pest, eh? Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Sometimes we all feel down. Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, a bum rap, the short straw. Sometimes too many things go wrongs too often. So why not relax awhile? It’s not
like things are going to get any better, you little shit. Leo (July 23 - Aug 23) The next two weeks will be quite a test for you, my friend. It will seem at the time that your entire life has been heading towards this most pivotal of moments. Persevere, and it will all be over, with you coming out triumphant. Don’t let nay-sayers sway you, or the title of ‘Miss Chemical Effluent Technician 2003’ will elude you for another year. Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Lucky symbol: men at work road sign. Lucky animal: dissected laboratory frog. Lucky foodstuff: value tuna chunks in brine. Lucky song: Raspberry Beret by Prince. Lucky you. Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Are we all so vain that we cannot give time to the things in our lives that, while they may not be the most aesthetically pleasing, are nevertheless filled with genuine meaning and lasting importance? No? Okay, in that case, rush out and purchase that diamond-encrusted bottle of Lambrini and chug it down
right away. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) Once again, your essentially dynamic and passionate nature could either get you into some serious trouble, or stand you in good stead in the eyes of others. Consequently, be very careful when attending the Hot Nuns in Leather conference, and caution is advised in your dealings with that spunky young guy on your course. His dad might well be a newspaper magnate, you don’t know which way he swings as yet. Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) Rather strangely, the planets do not appear have any influence over you at all this week. Hideous as it may be, you are going to have to rely on your own free will! Normal service will resume shortly, but until then, you’re on your own. Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Yet again, Scorpio and Cancer are battling for supremacy in your sign. I know, I know these wild and unpredictable mood swings are an annoyance, but try to make light of it. Just think: in a fight between a real-life crab and a scorpion, which would win?
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 18) At this youthful stage in our lives, who can say how history will remember us? Will we be revered as heroes of our time, or languish as footnotes to the lives of barely significant people? Looks like it’s canonisation for me, but don’t take it too much to heart. Keep pulling those pints and taking that abuse. Pisces (Feb19 - Mar 20) We all like to have a good time, but don’t you think you’re taking things just a little too far? I don’t mean to preach, but you should have seen the state of you last night. Bloody hell - if I thought I looked one tenth as stupid as you, I’d be checking in at a nunnery, the Betty Ford Clinic, and joining the Foreign Legion right away.
Letters • 13
gair rhydd 31 03 03
Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a foursome with Busted’s guitars. Dear gair rhydd, I see...it's a game of mock the old man is it? Perusing your organ last fortnight my heart swelled at seeing my own piece of grand verbosity regarding the Cardiff City Council's appaling policy of vomit-dumping on our fair streets awarded with "letter of the fortnight". Reading eagerly on, I was informed that I would win as a mark of respect for my sheer letter-writing genius, a jam jar of Leonardo Di Caprio's sweat. As one could tell I was excited! For, like anyone with their ear to the ground in this day and age I had heard of the mystical healing properties of Mr. Di Caprio's perspirant and looked forward to finally getting my hands on the substance I had hitherto so desperately searched for on the wastelands of Ebay to no avail. So I waited and waited and a fortnight passed and still no sweat was forthcoming. It reminded me of the time one of my many late wives informed me I had won the Oscar for best actor - a kindly gesture of the Academy at a time when I was in serious mental decline and riddled with alcoholism and a crack addiction, in fact, they were so good to me knowing how I don't like a fuss made over my greatness that my victory wasn't even mentioned at the ceremony or in the press, the only official word of it coming to me from my wife and all this in a year when I hadn't even made a film! Anyway, said Oscar never arrived in the post as my dear wife assured me it would many times, bloody postmen, and it is the same feeling of disappointment that riddles my tired, aching body again now as I wait uselessly for my Di Caprio sweat to arrive, the whole time knowing it is never going to come. I think it a great shame that you see fit to mock great people such as myself with such carrot on a stick tactics, and think that you should all be ashamed of yourselves for promising an old man the secret to eternal youth before snatching it violently away from his arthritic clutches and crushing all semblance of hope he once harboured in his slowly dying body. For shame! gair rhydd for shame!
Yours in crushed dismay, Theodore Anderson 2nd Year (very mature student) Cathays
All Eyes Left? Dear gair rhydd, Further to your replies to Gareth Adams and the un-named second year who wrote in regarding his experience of crime, I feel compelled to make the following points: Firstly, the immature language used is not fitting the supposed "professional" image of the paper. I'm sure that if that kind of language was used in the Guardian, the writer would be a) sacked and b) sued for libel. Secondly, the gair rhydd is meant to represent the whole of the student population and not just be the student supplement of the Guardian. I know this may come as a bit of a shock, but not everyone in the university is a lefty. I think a few of us who do hold differing views to that of the current staff should be welcomed to write for the paper to add some much-needed balance. Thirdly, to say "...add some of your right wing bollocks. Actually don't bother" sounds to me like fascism. To bar or otherwise discourage a student at this university from writing what they believe in goes against what our grandparents fought for 60 years ago. All minorities should have their rights respected, after all! So, can we expect a grown-up debate henceforth, or will I suffer the same diatribe the other correspondents received?
Yours, Andrew Caldicott Postgraduate Med. Chem. student PS. With regard to the TV listings, some of us have Channel 4 rather than S4C and would be grateful of listings for both channels. Lettersdesk says: Conceded, this paper certainly can come across as being a tad lefty, but the reason for this
is that many, many students do indeed take a left wing perspective, and as a newspaper written by students that this will come across seems a fairly natural outcome. In no way does the gair rhydd have any kind of universal political stance or scheme, for example I myself am a cross-dressing alcoholic JediNazi, yet the paper staff still embrace me with open arms.
Security Blanket Dear gair rhydd, T’was a fresh St David’s, and the smell of leeks and daffodils flirted with the gentle breeze. This was especially true in Cathays nightlife hotspot – The Students Union. Just like any other Saturday night, it held host to everyone’s favourite Union event, ‘Come Play!’ It was packed to the rafters with fanatical Top Man shoppers and some of the most beautiful ladies in the world today. As it was St David’s day there was a huge sense of Welsh pride. The type of pride that many a Welshman would be prepared to fight for. No one was aware of this more than "Head of Security" Mike Parsons and his brethren of noblemen. Levels of security were high, and cries like "NUS cards please guys" were audible for many a mile. Despite this, a diminutive yet significant amount of scum managed to seep through the barrier. For most of the evening spirits were high, but during the routine exit procedure these spirits took a sharp descent, to the extent that people’s ears were popping due to the sudden change in barometric pressure. A fight broke loose! At this point it was merely a scuffle, due to several commendable students who were seeking to prevent the atrocious eventuality of a duel. These students were reluctant to lower the tone of the evening, but the other party to the affair can only be described as ‘Pricks’. The scuffle, which was still
in a state of turbulence, gradually minced its way down the Union steps where a series of punches were peppered amongst both groups. Many attempts were made to withdraw one particular offender from the rumpus. His refusal to disembark prompted the assistance of Mike Parsons, who was carrying with him a very strong smell of conciliation. There was a brief talk with the main offender and the ‘victim’, chaired by Mike. This however, was the eye of the storm. A punch was thrown. Following this, Mike proceeded across the street, unaffected by the smell of burgers being omitted from the vans, to apprehend the offender who had finally decided to leave the area. Parson’s Pawns were then deployed to take care of the offender’s friends who were equally offensive during the ordeal. Lets keep the scum out of our Union. Mike Parsons is doing a superlative job, and he, and his colleagues from UniSec should keep up the good work. Three cheers for the man in the grey blazer!!!!
Yours truly Billy Beaujolais
Pain In The Arson Dear gair rhydd, I am writing this letter as I feel an urgent need to express my side splitting appreciation for the antics of some politically minded individuals who were returning from the Union along North road at 2:30 last Sunday morning. I would like to express my admiration for the comic ingenuity and overall sense of fun of the two individuals as they set about setting fire to a house that was full of sleeping people. I should point out that the actual target of their activities was a large banner that was hanging from the front of the house, in support of Hefin Evans as a candidate for the post of AU. I am a friend of Hefin's; I spent my year out in New Zealand with him, I think he would be good for the role and as such I am happy to lend my support. I appreciate that although these elections are entirely serious, they are also a lot of fun and intensely contested. I also appreciate that it may well be that the two guys I witnessed heroically running off down the road were only intending to scorch the banner as a political statement of some sort, I appreciate that they may well have been drunk and so not fully responsible for their actions. But I am also very aware that my house caught fire; it had three people sleeping inside, and it was only by luck that my housemate was not sleeping with his windows open that night. Had his curtains caught fire and the blaze spread to the interior of the house, the situation could have been far more serious. As anyone who has walked down North Rd recently has probably noticed, the burn marks to the front of the house are fairly substantial. Both upstairs window ledges were burning, as was the porch and the bins. I would have been entirely unaware of this however, had it not been for the actions of a few passers by who woke us up and helped to extinguish the flames. Had it not been for their actions we would have not woken up and who knows, we could have burnt like pigs in our own beds. As such I would like to thank those people for their actions. The other good news is that I managed to get a look of the two little arsonists as they scampered back up the road. The police were informed for insurance purposes and as such an arson enquiry is now under way, which is sufficiently serious to warrant a full investigation (guess what, arson carries 10-15 years!). Further bad news for the two guys responsible are the CCTV cameras of the residences over the road and along North road itself which will have caught them as they turned left at the end of the path and made off towards Talybont at 2:38am. I would like to
offer a suggestion to those responsible; either make themselves known to us (you know where we live) or the authorities, and to offer to make good the damage caused to the front of the house (charges can be dropped). Alternatively you can wait for the police to catch up with you or for me to see you again in the street. Then the consequences will be less lenient.
The residents of 65 North Rd. (Tim Green 3rd year Expl Geology)
Putrid-BadgerSpotting Dear gair rhydd, I know that the answer to this is perhaps not quite as urgent as those required for questions such as 'what the fuck is wrong with the world at the moment?', but what's with the apparent thing for badgers? People keep making references to badgers - on the radio, in the papers... (well, the gair rhydd anyway). What's going on? I mean, I have no problem with badgers in the slightest, as long as we're talking the less-cuddly-than-it-looks, black-andwhite stripy 'Britain's largest carnivore' beasty. I think badgers are great. I get very upset when, bumbling through where I lives down in rural Zummerset, I comes across a squished badger at the roadside. The world would be a better place if we had more badgers. We need to raise Badger Awareness. I hereby encourage the mention of badgers at any opportune moments in conversation. In fact, perhaps the lovely gair rhydd people can put it in their word of the week bit (It would be better than 'knob jockey' anyway, which I thought was a bit bad taste). As wonderful as badgers are however, their lack of road sense has given rise to a brilliant new travel game, which actually my mother invented last summer. Fuck 'I-spy' - crappy pile of arse, gets dull very quickly. Try 'Putrid Badger-Spotting'. Yes, kids: look out for those squished badgers on the roadside as the weather warms up. Open the car window and take a deep breath if you dare... While I'm here, avoiding work, very bored, on the subject of badgers, getting hysterical, has anyone noticed that badgers and also ferrets (live ones) smell kind of biscuity? It's most intriguing. Another one of those great mysteries, I guess.
Love JeniFurrrr Lettersdesk says: Badgers eh, what the hell is so funny about them? Ask Harry Hill I guess.
It’s Ball Good Dear gair rhydd, I just have to say that the line up for this year’s summer ball is fantastic! I just can’t wait to get down to hits like Steam from East 17 (where have they been by the way? Last I heard, Brian got nailed in a club). And of course the wonderful Sugababes, truly a top pop act. Much better than last years toss, Wheatus? They’re playing Barfly soon for fuck’s sake. Whigfield? Could be dead for all I know. And as for Cheggers, well I just hope my proposed task of bedding him doesn’t mean that I have no time to enjoy the music.
Yours Emma 2nd Year Lettersdesk says: Indeed! All credit to the Union for sorting us out with a top range of acts. Not that I’m going mind, £30=3 large Domino’s pizzas.
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gair rhydd 31 03 03
et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s
No gair rhydd ‘til May 12th. Gutted. How you gonna cope? I know, follow Get There for a smashing few weeks. Either that or do essays. By the way, have you seen, ha ha, what I’ve done, ha ha, with that picture there. Dear me. I wish I was dead.
Fame Academy, Thursday 10th April or Westlife, Sunday 13th April @ Cardiff International Arena
truly hope that no one goes to both of these concerts. One is bad enough, but both? Manufactured pop is the thing in Cardiff this weekend, represented by the BBC talent show, and the band that are fast becoming the ‘old’ men of pop. To be honest I never watched an episode of Fame Academy, so I have no idea who won, but I assume that the whole class will be performing. It would be a lot better if they got the Celebrity Fame Academy to perform. Joe Brand and Ruby Wax singing the Cheeky Girls: sick, but funny and more entertaining than some bloke that’s been on the TV for few
of You The Coral @ Great Hall Saturday 12th April
his gig was originally planned for February but due to guitarist Lee getting tendonitis in his hand it had to be postponed until now. And so the Liverpuddlian sextuplet make an appearance in our very own union. Their debut album, released last year, was hailed by every critic under the sun and earned them a Mercury Music Prize nomination. With their
weeks miming to other people’s songs. As for Westlife, or Boyzone MkII, when will they give up and fail in their own solo careers. Oh, and what is with their Greatest Hits album being called Volume 1? Do they really believe that they can continue having number ones for an ever extending length of time? More fool them, or maybe more accurately, more fool to the parents who buy the musical turd for their 10 year old’s corruption. Tickets: Fame Academy £TBC Westlife £25 www.ticketmaster.co.uk
4. Ska Wars second album due out in the coming months this gig is much better timed than the original date. The Coral have an original sound that displays a fondness for 60’s psychedelia, yet in a very modern sounding way. Their next album will hopefully be even better than the first as the band try to avoid the pop trappings of first single, Dreaming of You, and continue in the
psychedelic, prog rock mould. This gig did sell out weeks ago but I’m sure there are some spare tickets floating around because of the date change and it would worth trying to seek one out. If you are going (lucky sod) then listen out for the new material and bask in the retro greatness. Tickets: Sold Out (or use your initiative)
2. An Inspector Calls
RX Bandits, Tuesday 1st April @ MS1 Club
es, RX Bandits are a ska band, but they are not of the usual breed. I’m sure that when most of you think of ska you think of Less Than Jake and, quite rightly, you think crap. RX Bandits on the other, manage to take the fun and brightness of brass and effortlessly blend it with hardcore guitars and vocals. They have turned ska back towards its roots and the foundations of great bands such as The Specials, rather than pushing it further into the purile nonsense it
has become. RX Bandits also boast having one of the most amazing drummers I have ever seen, as well as a saxophonist with a quiff to make even the best Elvis impersonator weep. However, I must issue a warning if you intend to go and see this band. They are being supported by a local band named Pete’s Sake, and they are truly awful. My advice: turn up late. Tickets: £8 www.ms1club.com
New Theatre, Tuesday 1st - Sunday 5th April
5. Wednesday Night Fever
Funkylicious, Wednesday 9th April @ Solus
rom what I can remember of GCSE English, this a very good play. Written by JB Priestly in the eary twentieth century, it tells the story of Inspector Goole who calls unexpectedly on the prosperous Birling family. His startling revelations not only shatter the foundations of their lives but challenge us all to examine our consciences. This production by the Royal National Theatre has won over 19 major awards so it can’t be that bad. I saw it a few years ago and it did have very impressive visuals, including a moving house. That wasn’t part of the original play, but this production has chosen to go for a very
modern, dare I say avant garde interpretation. I would recommend this to anyone who wants to escape the usual night of going out on the piss and try and appreciate some classic British literature. This touring production retains its star director, Stephen Daldry, of Billy Elliot and The Hours fame, following Sam Mendes’ example of simultaneously wowing Hollywood while keeping it, er, real. Tickets: £8.50 - £19 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk
GRiP editors: Rob Jackson & Nick McDonald (firstname.lastname@example.org) Get there: Neil Krajewski (email@example.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (firstname.lastname@example.org) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (email@example.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (firstname.lastname@example.org) Film: Neil Blain (email@example.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (firstname.lastname@example.org) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (email@example.com)
ontinuing the trend of having special events at the usual Union club nights, for one night only, the Funky Arse Disco Dancers take over Solus for a night of funky tunes, sexy dancers and competitions with fab prizes. It’s going to be a night of usual Solus music but with the added bonus of dancers coming out every so often to do a dance to your favourite songs, such as Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal or Britney Spears’ Slave.
The rest of the night will be given over to normal dancing for everyone plus a chance for pissed people to have a go. So, if you fancy shaking your funky stuff and pretending to be John Travolta for the evening, then get yourself down to Solus. And if you need a touch more prodding, check out Arts. Tickets: £3 Available from the Student’s Union box office.
In this issue of GRiP... 05:Games/ Web
Check out NME online
Enjoy a dance, a laugh, and a gawp at a nudy beauty
Get over the fact there is no red carpet and take a close look at The Oscars
Go garage mad with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and groove to Junior Senior
Compare the books to the films, with the recent run of big-screen novel conversions
Scrounge through the pickings with their usual wit and language
muscians but without Dury you can’t help thinking that there is something missing. It is a real shame that Ian Dury died, because now Billy Bragg has to fight the world’s injustices on his own.
and special events.
Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11, £1 after. £3 non-NUS Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution. Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend’, all music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, making Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue. On the 31st see the Tiger Eastern Beats Tour and the talents of Krafty Kuts, A-Skillz, Drumattic Twins and Soul Of Man. Also get a free exclusive mix cd if you buy two Tiger beers! NIce.
Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine. Guest comedian for the 1st is Natalie Haynes and Rohan. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll get drunk.
Live Music Monday 31/03
Tuesday 1/04 22-20’s + support @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Currently residing in the ‘best new bands’ page of NME. More garage rock that’s being celebrated before
Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this! Sunday nights do tend to be incredibly boring so go test your knowledge and impress your mates. Don’t forget there is also the chance you could actually win and find yourself going home with a toastie maker or such like. It is so obviously better than watching Heartbeat, but just remember to tape 24!
For all who want that little something different. Go early, doors are at 9pm. Said before, but will say it again, Descent is always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Go on. Get there! Copresenting with One Mission on the 3rd, the ‘Las will be filled with a Breaks n Hip Hop Party, withDJ Raj, Bunsey, Moxey and DJ Gilation. Open to all, sorted. they have even released an album. RX Bandits + No Comply + Pete’s Sake @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £8 See other page. Darkness + support @ Fleece and Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £7 Absolutely amazing cock-rockers The Darkness avoiding Cardiff? So very, very unfair. Travel across the water to see this lot though. You will be sorry if you don’t.
Wednesday 2/04 Future Kings of Spain + Lark + PR-1@ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Probably not actually Spanish. Failing Wail + Seraphin @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £4 Mint Royale @ Fleece and Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £7.50 Little chance of Lauren Laverne turning up to sing on the one song that everyone knows. Does anyone remember the show The Priory with Jamie Theakston and Zoe Ball? Mint Royale did the theme tune to that, before it was axed and Theakston’s life fell apart.
Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as the previously featured Cheeky Girls.
Sunday 6/04 Avail + Ensign @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £7.50
Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student nights arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.
Johnny Narcissist & The Loves (co-headline) + Horse + Pin Stripe Mafia @ Barfly 7.30pm, £TBC
Further + X is greater than Y + Yelow Food Fobia @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 A night of live music. Imaginative comment, I know. Public Enemy @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £15.50 What can I say? Hip-hop legends Public Enemy make a long over due trip to these shores to promote their new album. It should be damn amazing, with the academy being filled with strange green smoke.
Lo Fidelity All Stars (DJ Set + Dex & FX) @ Barfly 8pm, £6 Precision and Kaos + Flatline + Ball Gag + Ceramik Ant + Festerin Nun @ TJ’s Newport 8.30pm, £2 Weekly ‘worst band name in the world’ night. Brendon Benson + Drew + Mankato @ Fleece and Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £7 Benson is a genius, absolute truth. Go and see him play. Go on, god damn you, do you never listen?
American Hi Fi + support @ Fleece and Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £TBC Heavy punk rock from America, surprisingly. Probably best to avoid unless you’re 16 or under. So that’s precisely no one who reads this paper then? Glassjaw + support @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £9 After having to reschedule the previous two dates due illness, Glassjaw finally make it to Bristol. These guys are the emo band of the moment, and if you can find a ticket, they will be worth the £9. Also responsible for one the greatest album cover designs.
Burning Bridges + Winnebago Deal + Swearing At Motorists @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 Another chance to see Winnebago Deal if you missed them last week. The Blockheads + support @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £12.50 Despite being without their leader Ian Dury, The Blockheads continue on in celebration of his music. They are suppossed to all be brilliantly
The Bays + Raeph Powell @ Barfly 7.30pm, £7 Hmm... Mavis + support @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £3 Hmm...take your pick...or go to... Fame Academy @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £TBC See other page. World Of Fun. Super duper.
The Vanities + Chapter 21 + Elemental @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 80s electro-pop. Good for dancing. (I like these-Ed.) The Coral + The Basement @ The Great Hall 7.30pm, £9.50 See other page. LA Guns + Enuff Z Nuff @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £16 Should I really find the name Enuff Z Nuff incredibly funny? Disraeli Gear + support @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £3
Sunday 13/04 Unclephil + Maple Cross + The Mooks @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £TBC Aren’t The Mooks meant to be good? Wishbone Ash + support @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £13 WA’s fortnightly appearance. Fony + Pothole + The Holiday Plan + Adrenaline Junkies @ Barfly 3pm-7pm, £5 All ages show, so probably somekind of local punk or ska. Westlife @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £25 See other page.
Coming Up Thursday 17th April Placebo @ Great Hall £15 If the new album is like the last one, then this will be crap. If it’s like the first album then it will be fantastic. Sunday 4th May Less Than Jake @ Great Hall Rescheduled date from April. Ska band that will probably be supported by another two ska bands. My night of hell. Monday 12th May Mogwai @ Solus £10 Need I say more? What a wonderful way to start the examination season! Friday 13th June Summer Ball @ Cardiff International Arena £30 Featuring: Sugababes, Bjorn Again, East 17 and MC Keith Chegwin. Top quality artists for a top quality night!
Films on release in Cardiff... The Pianist Starring: Adrien Brody, Emilia Fox
Rules Of Attraction Starring: James Van Der Beek
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind Starring: Sam Rockwell
Far From Heaven Starring: Julianne Moore, Dennis Quaid
Maid in Manhatten Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Ralph Fiennes
Roman Polanski’s latest masterpiece sees a Polish Jewish musician struggling to survive the destruction of the Warsaw ghetto of World War II.
A satiric look at a sexual triangle between Sean Bateman, the bisexual Paul and Lauren, his ex-girlfriend, at a liberal arts college.
Clooney’s adaptation of the cult memoir of legendary showman Chuck Barris’ double life, in which he purports to have been a CIA hitman.
A 1950s housewife faces a marital crisis and mounting racial tensions in the outside world. Beautifully directed with fantastic performances.
A senatorial candidate falls for a hotel maid thinking she is a guest. Pretty Woman style romantic comedy that’s apparently not that bad!
The Bandits + JT Mouse + Montana @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 JT Mouse continue their ‘We’ll support anyone, as long as we can play Cardiff twice a week’ tour. The Bandits supported Oasis on their tour before Christmas and are now recording in their studio. They sound a lot like The Coral and their lead singer does very good imitations of Ian Curtis and Ian Brown. Mull Historical Society + support @ Fleece and Firkin, Bristol 7.30pm, £9 Indie band that never seem to achieve the status that they deserve. Praised one minute, then ignored the next. Help them along the way at this small gig.
bring The Porn Idol Tour to Solus. Lots of cheeky competitions, dancers and cheap booze! Check out the posters for more details. On the 9th, see Funkylicious kick offwhen the Funky Arse Disco Dancers present a night of toons and funk. Once again, cheap booze and lots of offers. See opposite for preview. Or you could try.. Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5. Open to all. Presenting on the 9th April the original bad boy himself Mickey Finn, alongside Dexter, Carnage, MCRedeye/Tripwire/SupahDupah. Now there’s value for money and a v.good night out...Normally happening on a Wednesday, this fortnight Descent is also is happening on a...
The Star Spangles + special guests + The Go @ Barfly 7.30pm, 6 The phrase ‘plus special guests’ always intriges me. They’re either going to be a band that makes you go “oh wow!” or “oh”. I’m expecting that this will be an example of the latter. Zabrinski + Cymbient + Kentucky AFC @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £5
Starski + KT + Academy Morticians @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Get going... Akercocke + support @ MS1 Club 7.30pm, £7 to gigs... De-Luxe Launch Party @ V Club 10pm, Free before 11.30, £6 after Brand you new club night in the place owned by the one with the funny hair from Stereophonics.
Cardiff’s listings in full
Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00. If you are clever enough to get yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.Special attraction for all you dirty monkeys on the 2nd April as MTV’s Dirty Sanchez Crew and MC King Don
Get TCardiff’s herelistings in full
GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’Bass Djs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30- 2am, £2. DJs from Emerge night in Clwb on Saturday. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go, after the bands have finished, to dance the night away.
Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in. Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka. Superstition @ Moloko 9pm -2am. A night of Soul, Motown, 70s Disco and Nu Jazz. Sounds marvellous. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it? YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.
Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night,
with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student night. Certainly worth a look. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott! Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. 80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon. Have you made plans for the funeral? Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too. Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you! Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and Deep House.
Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-Hop, Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. The best Moloko night? You decide. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl. Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night. Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray! Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music. Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4. R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings. One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.
Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7. The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Featuring DJ Yoda (6th Dec). Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and House out on the bay. ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS. Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Cool House @ Emporium £8. Excellent night that periodically
returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef in November if that gives you any idea. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a sound track of psychedelia and garage. Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in Stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label. Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of Upbeat funk and party breaks. Twisted By Design@Dempseys For March only, check out this great little alternative night on a Friday. De-Luxe @ V Club 10pm-3pm. Free entry before 11.30pm. New night, with resident DJ’s Owain K (voted Best Up & Coming DJ 2002 @ W.M.A) and Chris Dixon.
Saturdays Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look! Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone? The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Play @ Moloko Happy party music! Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and having added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required. L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US Garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3. Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress. If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house
Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual. Chris Evans leads the proceedings. Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from arong the world. Last hour features Soca music only; the rest of the night mixes Latin, Hip-hop, Bollywood and Bhangra, to mention just a few genres!
Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps
you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.
Sport Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) vs Queens Park Rangers Saturday 5th April, 3pm More local sporting action. Aside from London, is Cardiff the UK’s top sports city? We could do with a better swimming pool though!
Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) vs Pontypridd Friday 4th April, 7.05pm vs Swansea Saturday 12th April, 2.30pm
Arts The Nest @ Chapter Arts Centre Monday 31st March - Friday 3rd April Minor classic of modern German theatre by Franz Xaver Kroetz An Inspector Calls @ New Theatre Tuesday 1st April - Sunday 5th. See preview page.
Societies Special Event Amnesty International and RAG After the incredible success of last years RAG Hitchhike, we are doing it again, this time raising funds for Human Rights Charity Amnesty International. Do you think you could do it? - £150 Prize money - 2 Free Nights Accommodation in Central Amsterdam - Free T-shirt - Free Return Travel (coach/ Ferry) - Advice, Information & Backup (from people that have done it before!) - £20 sign up fee (to confirm placelimited places!). Logon to our website www.amnestyhike.co.uk to find out more information. Chaplaincy Society Meets every Wednesday at 5.30pm in the Ecumenical Chaplaincy, 20-22 North Road. Our weekly meetings offer a time for debate, discussion and reflection in an open and safe environment. We always try to do new and exciting things, but we always start off the night with food. If you want to know more about the society come along, or email firstname.lastname@example.org Bhagavad Gita: The Song of God An informal discussion on this ancient scripture, exploring the key themes and issues and how they may be applied in our everyday lives. Every Wednesday and Thursday on 4th Floor of Students’ Union. For more details contact Jedi on email@example.com. Everyone welcome! A Cappella Group 9th Year Reunion Concert. Saturday 15th April at United Reformed Church on Windsor Place. The last time that Musical Director, Fay Roberts will conduct a full concert. There will be the usual mixture of repetoire, from madrigals to Motown, with a bit of everything in between. There will also be solo and small group performances from guests and members of the choir (past and present). Tickets will be available on the door, or you can reserve them in advance by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org. Tickets cost £2.50 for members, £3.50 for normal concessions and £4.50 for others.
Singapore Students’ Society Singsoc have organised a day out to Thorpe Park on Saturday 5th April. Thorpe Park is an amusement park which boasts the best water rides in the UK as well as spectacular scenery and a great atmosphere. It is a wonderful place to visit whether you want to go on crazy rides or just enjoy the greenery, take walks and appreciate the surroundings. Tickets cost £28.50 for members and £29.50 for non-members. The pick up point is at the back of the union building at 6.30am. Light refreshments willl be provided for the journey and you may want to bring extra clothes as you will get wet. For tickets contact: email@example.com Business School Society The Business Society are holding a social on Thursday 3rd April at the Springbok Bar from 7.30pm until late. Entry is free for members of any society and the first 200 to arrive will get a free drink. There is a theme of Hawaiian fancy dress and there will be a surf board bucking bronco. gair rhydd Society Contact Listings Acappella Music SocietyAcappelas@cf.ac.uk Act One (drama Society)ActOne@cf.ac.uk African Caribbean SocietyAfricancaribbean@cf.ac.uk AIESEC - Aiesec1@cf.ac.uk Alt and Shift ( Students against social injustice) AltandShift@cf.ac.uk Archaeology - Archaelogy@cf.ac.uk AssJacks - Assjacks@cf.ac.uk BangladeshStudents BangladeshStudents@cf.ac.uk Business Careers Businesscareers@cf.ac.uk Cathsoc- Catholics@cf.ac.uk Chinese Students and Scholars ChineseStudents@cf.ac.uk Christian UnionChristian_Union@cf.ac.uk Communication SocietyCommunication@cf.ac.uk Conservative - Consfuture@cf.ac.uk Debating - Cardiffdebate@cf.ac.uk Duke of Edinburgh - DofEs@cf.ac.uk Earthsoc- Earthsoc@cf.ac.uk East African Society0EastAfricanSociety@cf.ac.uk English - EnglishSociety@cf.ac.uk French - FrenchSociety@cf.ac.uk Hellenic- Hellenics@cf.ac.uk Hindu - HSFC@cf.ac.uk Indie- Indie@cf.ac.uk Islamic- CUIS@cf.ac.uk Italian SocietyItalianSociety@cf.ac.uk Labour - Labourclub@cf.ac.uk Law- LawSociety@cf.ac.uk Liberal Democrats LiberalDems@cf.ac.uk Live Music - LiveMusic@cf.ac.uk Merry Meet (pagan) MerryMeet@cf.ac.uk Navigators - Navigators@cf.ac.uk Nigerian Students - NigerianStudents@cf.ac.uk Oddsoc - Oddsoc@hotmail.com Photographic SocietyPhotographicSociety@cf.ac.uk Politics- PoliticsSociety@cf.ac.uk Psychology - Psychology@cf.ac.uk RAG- RAG@cf.ac.uk Real Ale- RealAles@cf.ac.uk STAR (action for refugees) STAR@cf.ac.uk Xpress Radio - Xpress@cf .ac.uk
You see this space here? This is what needs filling! All you societies must be having some kind of event going on and we want to know about it! If you are involved in any of the societies listed above and you have an event/meeting coming up then email firstname.lastname@example.org m and we shall post it on this very page. Come on, take us up on our offer. It takes very little bother from you, and even less cost!Please do give us enough time to get things in though, two weeks notice is very good, and extremely handy!
Quantum wipeout Play at war on onions CT SPECIAL FORCES [PS1] LSP
QUANTUM REDSHIFT [X-BOX] Microsoft
one of the two weapons on offer and stopping the same happening to you with the shield power-up. Each character has a specific rival who for their own reasons hate you and take that hatred out on the track. Although, bizarrely, you can victimise any of the other racers with absolutely no repercussions. The characters too have different and unique backgrounds, with their own reasons for being in the race. Par for the course for any modern racing game, there are several modes of play on offer. Tournament Mode will be your main focus when playing as it unlocks new speeds, new characters, and new tracks. Time Attack, Quick Race, and Multiplayer
Know your NME www.nme.com
hh. The poor, muchmailigned NME, eh? The mag itself might have become a shamelessly moneyhungry behemoth, designed to promote musical cash-cows, but still remains worth a thumbing in WHSmith every now and then for humour value and/or gig news. The website features a lot of content from the magazine itself, with an extensive archive of news and reviews. Having undergone a recent redesign, the site is simple to navigate but
This week’s charts Playstation 2 1: Tenchu Fighting fit 2: The Sims Taking over 3: Mortal Kombat: DA Bored of blood yet? 4: The Getaway GTA London? 5: GTA: Vice City Flying off the shelves 6: Tiger Woods 2003 Golf update 7: 007: Nightfire Bond action 8: FIFA 2003 Anyone for TIF2? 9: Smackdown 4 Wrestlin’ 10:Mark Of Kri Not a clue
1: LOTR: Two Towers Film/game 2: Panzer Dragoon Orta Tanks, I guess 3: House Of The Dead 3 Arcade shooter 4: Shenmue No idea 5: Metal Gear Solid 2 Best of the year 6: Mortal Kombat: DA Apparently not 7: Halo Classic shooter 8: Toe Jam And Earl 3 Lovely title 9: Rayman 3 Get legless 10:Baulder’s Gate FRPG
1: C&C Generals New battle sim 2: Splinter Cell Look at the light! 3: Sims Delux Again 4: Age Of Empires 3 Old skool war 5: Praetorians Et tu brute 6: Sim City 4 Build it smash it 7: American Conquest For oil? 8: Soldiers of Anarchy Order! 9: Impossible Creatures Who said GR staff? 10:IGI 2: Covert Strike Shhh, it’s a secret
1: Metroid Prime Sci-fi Shooter 2: Resident Evil Zero People saw the film 3: Super Monkey Ball Pure genius 4: Sonic Mega Collection Blue hedgehog fun 5: Phantasy Star 1&2 Online F-RPG 6: LOTR: Two Towers Film/game 7: Pac Man World Classic 8: Mario Sunshine Sunny plumbing 9: Rayman 3 See above 10:Mortal Kombat: DA I rest my case
still horribly cluttered by advertising. There’s a strong focus on providing music news and headlines, albeit relating only to the current crop of fauxindie luvvies. There is also an extensive box office with tickets available for hundreds of UK gigs, so it’s useful to keep a check on what’s going on. The main attraction? Checking into the forums for a chuckle at some of the startlingly inane comments. Gareth Lloyd
ell Games is still here, despite the narrow minded views of that cnut Mr Reed last issue. You’re not forced to read every page so try and exercise part of your brain and turn the page if you don’t want to read about games and the web! I would have more respect for you if you contributed to the paper, but as you were too cowardly to give your real name you can just fuck right off. (Ooh, fighting talk, come and have a go...etc, etc - Ed) To contribute to Games and Web,(and make it a little more how you would like it-Ed) send us an electronic mail at gairrhyddgames@ hotmail.com or visit our greenhouse. Our thanks go out to GAME on Queen Street and St David’s Arcade, as always, for their continued support in supplying the charts for us.
modes make up the rest of the usual suspects, and follow the same standards as just about every other racer. Amongst the sea of gaming mediocrity a few bright gaming fishes do swim. Graphics are one of the major plus points, being in equal measure both spectacular (plenty of scenic variety, flashy water and reflective effects) and blazingly fast (60 fps), never slowing down even in multiplayer. Sound is also well looked after with an obligatory techno soundtrack, but can also be replaced with tunes of your choice from your Xbox hard drive. Multiplayer is great fun, as the appeal of beating your mates (preferably in the most unfair way possible) never dims. In summary, Quantum Redshift isn’t a bad game, it’s just not the great game that you feel it could have been had a little more effort been placed on its dynamics rather than just its graphics. It’s fun to pick up and play, there are plenty of extras to unlock and multiplayer shenanigans to be had. Worth its bargain bucket price of £20 for a couple of weeks’ entertainment, but ultimately it’s a game that will gather dust at the back of your collection. Simeon Rosser-Trokas
he dictionary defines originality as “freshness or novelty in design or style”. Originality then seems to be a very rare commodity these days, and sadly not one that the developers of Quantum Redshift, Curly Monsters, have been able to get hold of. Quantum Redshift represents the latest generation of a long line of high speed, futuristic racing games that span from the classic F-Zero on the SNES to the more famous Wipeout series that entertained the Playstation generation with its combination of high octane thrills and pounding techno music. It is from the original developers of the Wipeout series (Psygnosis) that Curly Monsters was formed and the influence is more than obvious. The premise of the game puts you in the seat of a Single Person Armed Racing Craft (SPARC). Driving at ridiculous speeds, you’ll race against five other drivers and naturally your goal is to be number one by fair means or foul, i.e. blasting your opponents out of the air with
ome things never get old, like re-runs of Columbo on TV, but sadly many other things do. Game developers LSP have released a game on the original Playstation. Before you skip over this article let me reassure you they are not trying to get their hands on £35 of your money, they are only charging a less painful ten pounds. But are PS1 games a bit too old now? Well, you can decide on that one… The game itself is inspired by the legendary Metal Slug series by SNK; I myself have wasted many gold men at the arcades on these fine side-scrolling platformers. It also incorporates a top-down blaster with a helicopter and a sniper shooting gallery in the game, which is all mixed in with the story. All indications point towards this being a really fun retro game. Like so many good ideas, unfortunately, this has failed to deliver. The backgrounds are dull and animations rough, and both lack any real detail; the action is disjointed and never really gets
going. There is a co-operative two-player option but it is generally floored due to the camera and enemies only chasing the first player. The story is the usual, and it’s been coupled with the world’s worst ending for a game, ever. On the plus side, there are no continues: the lives you start with are all you can find, resulting in a challenge many games lack these days and a strong emphasis on survival. All in all this is not worth the £10 pricetag. It would be wiser to find an arcade and spend that money on Metal Slug as you will play a superior game which will last just enough time before you start getting bored. Also, take into account that if you are playing this through a PS2, you will need the old Playstation memory card to save games on it. Diccon Jones
here is a serious dearth of fun, youth-orientated performance in Cardiff at the moment. And an even bigger shortage of quality nights out. But for one night only, this truism may be suspended. Cardiff University’s Funky Arse Disco Dancers are taking over Solus to perform a selection of dances yet also giving revellers a chance to have a boogie themselves on the dance floor. Performing some of their hottest dances, the night will also be given over to funky but fun music and the chance for everyone to show their own style of dancing, be it drunken
or professional. The group have previously performed at events such as the AU auction to rapturous audiences. And their blend of sexy moves with funky steps has attracted increasing numbers to the popular society. Funky Arse Disco Dancing was founded only this year by second year student Joanna Wright when she discovered that the university did not have a dance team that specialised in modern style. “ I thought I would just start one myself,” says Joanna. “It is a lot of work but I would recommend to anyone that if they want a certain club and it’s not there then start it yourself.”
With over 200 members, the society is one of the largest in the university. “I wanted to make the classes funky, fun and a good way to keep fit. I do think more men could benefit from the classes though. I think they may be sacred by so many women shaking it en masse!” With their very own night of sexy performances to tracks from uptempo Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears, the Funky Arses are sure to have members of both sexes shaking their thang and getting funkylicious. Charlotte Spratt
Roch n’ Roll T
he World Premiere- yep you read correctly, the world premiere, of Rochester’s Second Bottle took place at the Welsh College of Music and Drama, and what a performance it was. Written by Dutchman Hans Kox to a libretto by British Historian Nicholas Fisher, Rochester’s Second Bottle tells the story of poet and notorious libertine, The Earl of Rochester. The opera focuses on the deathbed scene in 1680 and at just over an hour, it is a compelling tale told through song. A great deal of attention had been paid to every last detail, from the costumes and setting, to the music. The costumes
epitomised the feeling of the 1600’s. Each actor wore traditional dress, which consisted of the long curly wigs, tailcoats and tights complete with funny little pointy shoes. The setting was amazing, considering it was such a small space. The main focal point was the Rochesters’ bed, engulfed in grey, with elaborate stencilling around the outside. The backing was a painting of The Earl of Rochester, and at points, the screen was drawn back to reveal an orange and black chequered board, where the other actors would be singing. It was a fantastic idea and worked extremely well in the context of the opera.
FUNKY ARSE DISCO DANCING Solus 9th April, £3
ROCHESTER’S SECOND BOTTLE Welsh College of Music & Drama
Often enough, the orchestra in these productions are forgotten, but the singers and the orchestra worked in synch throughout the whole performance. The music itself was fiercely emotional and there were influences from Monteverdi, Purcell and Puccini amongst others; including strands of jazz also interwoven into the music. At points, the orchestra managed to reflect the edgy, sporadic nature of the work, especially when certain
illicit relations were uncovered; staccatoed short notes captured the uncomfortable emotions the characters were feeling. Overall, the opera was a success. Playing The Earl of Rochester, Craig Yates captured the hurt and illness of the Earl and all the performers were on fine form. I felt that Katherine Squire who played the Lady Rochester deserved a
special mention. She played the role with real emotion and her voice was quite simply amazing. You may be wondering where the bottle comes into the opera. Just before Rochester collapses he has a drink, and the bottle acts as ‘a wise and impartial friend’. It seems that statement still holds a great deal of truth for us today! Angela Singh
Brecht of fresh air CAUCASIAN CHALK CIRCLE Sherman Theatre
he news that tonight’s performance will take place as an ‘open dress rehearsal’ due to technical problems is a little perturbing. However, it seems sensible to wait until we’ve seen the goods before we condemn the amateur (but usually fairly commendable) Everyman theatre company. The Caucasian Chalk circle tells the story of a Russian peasant collective in the postwar period. In an attempt to settle a land dispute, they stage a drama set in medieval times concerning ownership of a noble baby. Cue many differing Russian accents affected with varying degrees of success, a lot of hilarious peasant shenanigans and an
eventual moral lesson to be learnt. Sounds promising! But tonight we see a play which eventually runs to three and a half hours. This is over-long, even by Brechtian standards, and a more stringent editing process could have taken place before the play was staged. It seems unfair to condemn something which is openly a dress rehearsal for being mildly amateurish, but the audience are provided with a great many unintentionally comic moments, ranging from doors that refuse to open to fake babies falling apart to reveal their pillow innards. Amidst these shambolic happenings there are some striking individual performances. Toby Harris does remarkably well as the bumbling, over articulate and instantly likable Simon Chachava while Paul John
Borde saves the audience from falling asleep after three hours with his warm and comic portrayal of Azdak. The play’s disparate elements are tied together by James Williams, a fantastically sinister looking man. He portrays a Russian ballad singer, and his talent and alarmingly impressive array of menacing facial expressions are marred only by his inability to sing. The Caucasian Chalk Circle was certainly not without its merits. The background projection and choreography ensured that it was visually impressive and there were a few moments of pure slapstick humour. The cast tackled a demanding play with energy and spirit. However, it suffered from being far too long and clearly under-rehearsed. Maria Thomas
War! What is it good for? OH WHAT A LOVELY WAR NewTheatre
oan Littlewood, described as a ‘genuinely radical visionary’ in her obituary, put together this entertaining show in the early 1960s. It takes the form of a documentary musical on the 1st World War, and combines elements of the pierrot show, a seaside entertainment. On stage, this translates to a series of sketches involving scenes from the trenches and comic takes on the world leaders, all based around popular war songs. What is so impressive about this show is that it is performed entirely by a cast of 15, who sing and dance their way into innumerable parts.
The show began on a high with the talents of Lynn Hunter, who acted as a kind of ‘compere’ for the show. Her solo comedy was rewarded by the biggest laughs from the audience. Sketches of stereotypically pompous world leaders and their self-interest, most notably ignorant British generals, proved hilarious at times. As the show went on, the talents of the cast became more striking, as each coped admirably with accents ranging from military German to Home Counties English. The standard of singing, as you would expect from such a popular show, was exceptional, especially from the four women in the cast. Audience interest was generally kept high by the short length of the scenes. Comedy was not the only
strength of this show however; use of a projector showing real scenes from the war evoked a sombre and reflective tone. A scene of British and German soldiers singing each other Christmas songs was both funny and very moving, and cards at the side of the stage revealed new sobering facts about the war. For example, did you know that 21,000 Americans became millionaires during WW1, and the average life of a machine gunner under attack was 4 seconds? I didn’t. Although perhaps not for the very young due to the various political references, this show has a strong educational value for people of all ages, as it reveals more about the waste of human life and needless blunders of WW1. In a time when young people are less
Shaw thing THE BLUE ROOM NewTheatre
he first National tour of David Hares’ The Blue Room is now in Cardiff. Hare is one of Britain’s major contemporary dramatists; he is especially well-known for his subversive and revolutionary plays. His adaptation of Arthur Schnitzler’s play Reigen, written in 1897 and instantly banned from the stage, is deft, powerful and sensitive. The play shows-off Tracy Shaw, in her first major role since leaving Coronation Street, and Jason Connery. They are the only people on stage throughout, and their strong performances keep the audience engaged for the whole one hour and thirty minute duration. The Blue Room delves into the fabric of society through a
Marion, here Barret is more witty and forthright than the television portrayal. Though not packed with one-liners, there are a number of quips; Ron Davies jibes, and Welsh ‘homecoming’ anecdotes reflect a humour that is previously unexplored by Brydon. Though these interjections are followed by an unparalleled bashfulness from the character, the pity and cringing that drives the on-screen drama is replaced by a more definite (though still hapless) cheer in his speech. Talking of ‘his smashers’ (Barret’s two young sons) with such fondness and misplaced fatherly pride (from their suggested behaviour), and engaging interaction from the audience, it is easy to forget that he is a comic creation and not a struggling, newly single man. Barret still respects the woman who broke his heart, and wishes Geoff, the ‘other man’, all the very best in making a go of it with his family. In reality, it would be tempting to tell him to get a grip, though equally compelling would be the desire to shake his hand and congratulate him for a genuine generosity of spirit, knowing that it can only ever be crushed.
emphasises detachment, alienation and the loneliness felt in the bleakness of their relationships. The audiences’ lack of ability to connect with the characters parallels the empty and dysfunctional intercourse between the characters themselves. The play has a strangely circular feel as the prostitute from the first sketch reappears in the final one. This circularity leaves the audience without a resolution or an alternative to the relationships presented, but serves to make us observe objectionably and really think about this critique of our culture. The play’s eclectic style makes sure the brutal snapshots of society are diffused with dry wit. The result is an enjoyable play that simultaneously instigates controversy and provokes debate. Liz Moreton
ROB BRYDON Aberdare Theatre
Brydon’s thwarted character proves that human nature is cruel. And from the hugely appreciative and gleeful response from the audience it confirms that, as a collective, it is even more so. Gemma Curtis
ob Brydon is Keith Barret, proud father, lonely divorcee and painstaking optimist. Filmed as a video diary for television series Marion And Geoff, Keith’s career as a taxi driver is perfect in providing the vehicle for the character to revisit the places of his married life, accompanied by heart-wrenching personal commentary. Converting the isolated solo format to the stage would have been impossible; so live he presents a self-help talk (punctuated by his therapy groups suggestions) on divorce. Comparing his relationship with ex-wife Marion to a trip on the motorway, with a tacky boardroom style projection, photos of service stations, a clipboard and a plea for seriousness from the audience, Barret is the likeable spod; the loser you will to win. With such pointless yet endearingly funny exercises that involve him counting most of the three hundred plus audience individually for no resulting point whatsoever, the comedy draws on the belly laughable and the humble and sympathetic emotion. Shedding some of the trademark timidness of a man-doormat to
sequence of sexual liaisons. There are ten consecutive dialogues between varied characters, before and after sex. One of the characters from each section emerges with a new partner in the next. The glimpses into each liaison are brief and the next duologue swiftly follows, disallowing the audience to become involved with or even interested in the characters they are being presented with. This, combined with the elusive identities of the characters – they are merely known by their labels given to us in the programme, “the aristocrat”, “the prostitute” – successfully create a brutal detachment between them and the audience. The full-frontal nudity and bedroom scenes rather than creating the supposed intimacy, is done in such a way that it
aware of the world wars, this is a brilliant way to be reminded of their horrors in a way that is more touching than maudlin. Director Tim Baker has achieved something thought provoking and especially relevant to the situation we are dealing with today. Katy Read
In association with
gairrhydd student screening fantastic films magnificent movies perfect pictures
60 FREE PAIRS OF TICKETS TO BE GIVEN AWAY gair rhydd has teamed up with UGC Cinemas Cardiff to bring its readers an opportunity to see excellent films before they go on general release, ABSOLUTELY FREE! On Wednesday 9th April at 8.30pm, UGC Cinemas will be showing a special screening of Intacto, and on Wednesday 23rd April at 8.30pm UGC will also screen Welcome To Collinwood. To be part of these special screenings all you have to do is come up to the gair rhydd office on the 4th floor of the Student’s Union Building and get a ticket for yourself, for free. It’s that simple. gair rhydd has 30 pairs of tickets to give away for each film, but come as soon as you can because this number will diminish swiftly. Welcome to Collinwood, starring William H. Macy, Sam Rockwell and George Clooney, is a heist tale with a difference as five bumbling, would be thieves, each dumber than the next, attempt to break a safe in one of the most ill conceived bank jobs imaginable. Intacto is the story of a concentration camp survivor, played by Max Von Sydow, who possesses the ability to steal and give away good luck and is an enigmatic tale of four people, who’s lives are intertwined by destiny and are subject to the laws of fate. They discover that luck is something that they cannot afford to be without as they gamble with the highest stakes possible in a deadly game from which only one of them will emerge intact.
New multiplex causes Ster With a UGC cinema in the centre of town and a UCI in the Bay, one might wonder whether we need another multiplex in Cardiff, but here at gair rhydd film we just can’t get enough. As a new Ster Multiplex prepares to open in the Millennium Plaza, we sent trained director Patrick Glendening down to check out if it comes up to scratch with his fussy yankee standards.
igger is better. That’s the apparent mantra behind the opening of the long delayed Ster Century Cinema in Cardiff’s Millennium Plaza. After a lengthy and bitter legal battle of more than two years, The Ster multiplex is set to be open by the 11th of April. During my tour of the theatre, the box office manager boasted that the huge screens and magnificent sound system, standard for every screen, will, "make your ears bleed." After watching a five minute clip of Men In Black II, I was more than in agreement with his statement. In fact, I gave my ear a quick swab with spare QTip just to make sure nothing did get jarred loose. I also had to finger my eyes to re-focus them after the assault they underwent from the shear monstrous size of the screen, "Almost three stories in size." Unfortunately there wasn’t a
professional projectionist on site, he was out retrieving more seats for one of the theatres, and this being the UK, he was stuck in traffic. So, when the opening scenes of the film ran the credits were half on the bottom of the screen and half…well, were not. To the credit of Ster and their modern rotating lens projection technology, a film will never be viewed that does not engulf the whole of the screen, wall to wall (expect for the obligatory front theatre emergency exit doors). Thus, ensuring that at
maximum capacity, all 3277 patrons throughout the multiplex wouldn’t miss any of the action.
Damn, even George W. Bush, a native Texan and perpetuator of the very same ‘Bigger is better’ mantra, would marvel at the scope of the screens.
In the press release celebrating the grand opening Ster brags that, "the seats are often compared to first class airline seats." Well, I have never been in first class, but in Philadelphia where a big ass is nothing to be ashamed of, we would more likely compare the seats, if forced to use a cheap airline metaphor, as to riding nonstop economy class to Baghdad. This being the UK however, land of exorbitant gas prices and svelte derrières, the seats are more than ample.
The screens are centrally located on two levels, identical in make-up, each with seven screens, a concession stand, and a Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream Parlour. The lobby, compared to the size of the building and the screens, is quite small, presenting incumbent problems for queuing at the summer’s blockbusters. One of the most attractive aspects of this new cinema is the "360-degree entertainment" associated that comes with it. There is a restaurant, night/comedy club, café and a bar; all of which are accessible from inside the main foyer. With the student ticket prices slightly higher than competing chains in the area it might be hard, at first, to build a solid client base, but in time, the overall spectacle and advanced media technology just might grasp the right amount of discerning film patrons. Later dudes. Paddy G
ACADEMY A W ARDS
Oscar coverage by Neil Blain and Patrick Glendening
The show must go on T he 75th Academy Awards, otherwise
talked to a range of immensely uninteresting guests. The production itself was also far less spectacular than it has been in the past. However, with current events causing the constant second guessing as to whether the awards should have been delayed, the night was very appropriate.
Best Picture Chicago Best Director Roman Polanski (The Pianist) Best Actor Adrien Brody (The Pianist) Best Actress Nicole Kidman (The Hours) Best Supporting Actor Chris Cooper (Adaptation) Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago) Best Original Screenplay Talk to Her Best Adapted Screenplay The Pianist Best Cinematography The Road to Perdition Best Animated Feature Spirited Away Best Animated Short The ChubbChubbs! Best Film Editing Chicago Best Documentary Feature Bowling for Columbine Best Documentary Short Twin Towers Best Live Action Short This Charming Man Best Foreign Language Film Nowhere in Africa Best Sound Chicago Best Sound Editing The Lord of the Rings Best Costume Design Chicago Best Original Score Frida Best Original Song "Lose Yourself" Eminem Best Art Direction Chicago Best Visual Effects The Lord of the Rings Best Makeup Frida
Chicago was winner of six awards including Best Film and The elegantly designed Gollum, voiced by Andy Serkis, was probably the discerning factor that helped The Lord of the Rings: Best Supporting Actress for The Two Towers win a much deserved Oscar for Best Visual Effects Catherine Zeta Jones
year and film(s) that they had won their Oscar for. At the end of an already long evening it just seemed that common sense would dictate that an exercise in people’s memory wouldn’t be known as sensible. The Oscars, took As expected Chicago place this year under performed well, winning six and during much awards, including Best Film. It uncertainty. had to share the spotlight with The usual preThe Pianist however, which won Oscar ritual of the a Best Director Oscar for Roman red carpet gathering, Polanski, coming as a general where stars and their surprise considering he was lesser known unable to collect his award as he counterparts are is still wanted for statutory rape scrutinized by in the US. media analysts Probably the biggest loser on who lay down their opinions as to the night was Gangs of New who was ‘hot’ and who was ‘not’, York, which failed to win an did not take place this year. It award for any of its ten was removed from the show as a nominations. Most ‘Hollywood Sacrifice’ to show disappointingly, Martin Scorsese solidarity for those in the Middle Adrien Brody and Nicole Kidman was once again snubbed by the East waging war. Academy and one feels that congratulate each other after Though I can honestly say that winning Oscars for Best Actor unfortunately a rather redundant the absence of the red carpet Lifetime Achievement Award is and Actress was no great loss, and meant probably his last hope. that for once the awards Fashion seemed to take a The speeches this year were ceremony took centre stage, back seat, as most of the far less memorable, as they there are people who feel nominees were dressed in their were inevitably about the war or differently. No matter though, auxiliary attire comprised mostly some unknown head of studio. because with a host like Steve of cream colours and black. There were a few that stuck out Martin, most welcomed in his Despite this, the academy was however; the gracious and triumphant second coming as still not completely able to heartfelt decrees of Chris Cooper master of ceremonies, the discern between a complete (Adaptation), Peter O’Toole’s assurance that the night would show of entertaining qualities acceptance of a Lifetime be a pleasure was Achievement Award, the predetermined. obligatory cries against war and His opening monologue set the American government by the tone for the evening, letting Michael Moore (Bowling for everyone know that this will be a Columbine), and the ten second night of Steve Martin humour, lip-lock put on Halle Berry by filled with sly yet sheepish jokes Adrien Brody (The Pianist). at the expense of the very Despite most media coverage industry and people meant to be of the event claiming that the celebrated. He did just that, often evening was dominated by the times using his wit, with great war, I genuinely feel that it was ease, to bring levity to sensitive not. Despite Michael Moore’s heartbreaking issues. After the expected anti-Bush outburst, and always touching montage of Adrian Brody’s emotional those in Hollywood who passed references to events in Iraq away over the year Steve Martin (which were both understandable dried people’s eyes and widened considering the nature of the their smiles, "Now we will be films that they won Oscars for) Probably the most pleasant showing you a montage of the most references were kept surprise of the evening was Chris people you thought were dead, discreet. Cooper’s Best Supporting Actor but aren’t." He even went further Best describing the overall win for his portrayal of a to say that, "Geez, I really hope feeling of the night, Nicole paradoxical and obsessive orchid I’m up there one day." Comments Kidman spoke of the continuing thief in Adaptation like that throughout the night importance of acknowledging really went to show that he and one that contains an overly artistic achievements, even in earned his three minute standing self indulgent and boring section. times such as these. ovation upon opening the Towards the end of the night, Overall, therefore the night ceremony. when everything seemed to be became a tasteful success. Added to this, most of the moving along at a nice pace due Here’s to you Oscar, and evenings humour was supplied to the fact that speeches were happy 75th. by a typically charismatic Jack kept to forty-five seconds by aid Nicholson, who sat in the of a disappearing microphone, a audience with his sunglasses on gathering of all living Oscar with a constantly amused grin on winners of the past his face. Unfortunately the same conglomerated on stage. We could not be said for the were then forced to sit for twenty interlude sections on the BBC’s overstretched minutes as the coverage, which featured an camera went down the row, one unusually humourless Jonathan by one of the fifty-nine Ross who throughout the night individuals, stopping to say the
“We elect the officers and everything. explains the idealism of the It’s socialism in action" David POUM militia in Land and Freedom
en Loach is not a name that rings familiar with many, but nevertheless, if you like British films, it is one which you should know. Loach is one of Britain’s best directors, yet his films are rarely part of anybody’s video collection, and neither do they receive great amounts of attention on release. Born in the Midlands in 1936, Loach enjoyed a good education and a truly middleclass life. It was his meeting with Jim Allen, fellow director and writer for Coronation Street, that began his interest with the politics of the workingclasses. His subject matter is challenging, eye-opening social realism and it is his dedication to the socialist cause that makes his work unpalatable to many. Ironically, it has become Loach’s style to use as little style as possible. His films tend to be dark, grey, using natural lighting and uncomplicated camera angles. You might even
ilm directors spotlight
GRiP mistake them for a documentary. The use of non-professional actors gives his work a realist edge that others are too afraid to search for. It is this focus on the use of light and observing, unobtrusive film-making that makes Loach stand out, and helps prevent confusion with the fluffy version of social realism to be found in The Full Monty (1997) or Billy Elliot (2000). Loach’s films are largely blunt and uncompromising. Imagine nobody turned up to the strip show, or Billy lost his legs in a car crash: that would be Loach’s touch. He can strip the fallacy from a film, presenting life as close to reality as possible: admitting that people with few options and little money do face a continual struggle. In this gloom, however, he discovers a romantic human spirit and essentially a humour that defines the attitude of the world he is attempting to
explore. His style has been compared to Mike Leigh, director of the popular Secrets and Lies (1996) and more recently All or Nothing (2002) with whom Loach shares the same form of storytelling and focus on working-class life in Great Britain. One significant difference to note is how Leigh’s films laugh at the characters, while Loach’s are more likely to laugh with them. Many will complain that Ken Loach makes depressing, boring and unexciting films, but don’t be fooled. You don’t have to be a devout socialist, communist or hippy to admire Loach’s work, it simply gives you a refreshing change to mass produced Hollywood material. It’s too easy these days to interest an audience with car chases and explosions yet Loach extracts a passion from his actors which gives his films a depth that is rarely matched by other directors.
Six of the Best
Raining Stones (1993) Ricky Tomlinson plays a father from the North, struggling to find the money for his daughter’s first communion dress.
Riff Raff (1991)
Bread and Roses (2000) Examining a janitor's strike in Los Angeles through the eyes of a union organiser, Bread and Roses takes on big-business, the Government, unions and bureaucracy, continuing Loach’s finest tradition.
This hard-edged comedy stars two of Britain’s hardest-edged actors; Robert Carlyle and Ricky Tomlinson. Ill-disguised anti-Thatcherite themes run throughout as the story of builders in the drab London suburbs is played out in the most honest style.
Kes (1969) Now acknowledged as a pivotal film in late 60's British cinema, Kes concerns the story of a boy who, facing little or no prospects, finds a release from his life through rearing a baby kestrel. At the centre of Loach's film is a remarkable performance from an untrained David Bradley, who was at the time of filming a schoolboy with no acting experience. If you see any Loach film, make it this one.
My Name is Joe (1998) Arguably Loach’s most successful, accessible film and set in Glasgow, centring on the struggles of a recovering alcoholic and his attempts to manage an amateur football team.
Land and Freedom (1995) A film about the Spanish Civil War, Land and Freedom shows the crushing of a young British communist’s idealistic views as he attempts to do his bit for the fight against fascism.
Future Plans and Projects
By Richard George
Regularly punching out films in the same genre has suited Ken Loach well. Whether it will be possible to find the money to fund future projects (small as the budgets are), will be the deciding factor in his future success.
Social realism and the darker side of life has never made the best Saturday night viewing at the movies. And even though Loach’s most loyal audience, predictably, is one which doesn’t care about special effects and glamour, studios, on
the other hand, tend to. With the demise of one of his closest new allies, the Film Four production house, and the ever growing demand for escapist movies, Loach may find the future as bleak as his material.
Lack of American Intelligence THE RECRUIT
RELEASED: 28TH MARCH CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 115 mins CAST Al Pacino: Walter Burke Colin Farrell: James Clayton Bridget Moynahan: Layla Moore Gabriel Macht: Zack Dir.: Roger Donaldson Scr.: Roger Towne, Kurt Wimmer & Mitch Glazer
P WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT
itched as an explosive thriller, The Recruit fulfils little of said promise. In a time when plots centring round national security risks and
undercover intelligence should be at the very least exciting, instead this is a stodgy regurgitation of a weary cat and mouse cliché. Walter Burke’s shady
character draws on James Clayton’s craving for information about his missing ex-CIA agent father. With tantalising titbits of information and a faux friendliness, the top-dog trainer lulls the young computer wizkid into applying there himself. For Clayton, prepared to give up his entire existence primarily to piece together his family history, this perfect storyline opportunity is let-down disgracefully . After initial interest, and apart from some doe-eyed looks at ‘Missing In Action’ remembrance boards after he becomes a recruit, it’s as though his old man never existed at all. And such scrimping on detail is typical of the film as a whole. Whilst chocked full of possible
James Clayton is plucked from his shambolic bachelor lifestyle by CIA topdog Walter Burke. Excelling in the gruelling regime, Clayton becomes the obvious choice for a special mission that forces him to choose between a loyalty of love and the most secret of jobs.
exciting plot developments, it instead lazily relies on the reputation, and expected engagement, of the actors. Doing so is a risk, and one that that fails magnificently, as the pairing of Pacino and Farell does nobody any favours. The old-skool hero disappointingly plays the same character he has done for the last ten years; a mysterious notby-the-book enigma. When explaining his lifestyle to Clayton, Burke claims; “I don’t sleep, I need to piss like a racehorse every two hours it makes it impossible.” Ironically, the character’s lethargy seems to drain even more from the increasingly lacklustre Pacino. Baring such in mind, there becomes a painstakingly sharp contrast between him and the newest Hollywood hotshot and touted ‘possible Bond material’. The pup-like exuberance omitted by the new boy grates, resulting in a badly prevalent
case of under/over acting, respectively. The film screams “there’s a twist coming” after the first twenty minutes, and by the time it happens you may well have already guessed it. Clumsy and cumbersome, but good to watch on a strictly aesthetic level, the same could be said of Farrell. Considering The Recruit is about American intelligence, this film is worryingly dumb. Gemma Curtis
FINAL WORD Neither Pacino nor Farrell shine in this dull and predictable action thriller. Lacking any particularly notable highlights, ladies at least can enjoy the eyecandy of the young buck, whilst laughing at his ridiculous attempts at (over) acting.
A buddy film too far NATIONAL SECURITY RELEASED: 21ST MARCH CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 88 mins
CAST Martin Lawrence: Earl Montgomery Steve Zahn: Hank Rafferty Colm Feore: Detective Frank Duff Bill Duke: Lieutenant Washington Eric Roberts: Nash Dir.: Dennis Dugan Scr.: Jay Scherick & David Ronn
M WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT
interesting. Any suspense is undermined by the fact that every action can be anticipated well before it happens. National Security works within a now clichéd genre, giving the audience everything they expect from this sort of film but without adding anything original or interesting of its own. A good buddy comedy is driven by a convincing dynamism between the two main characters, underlaid by a believably touching sense that they really care about each other. However, it is highly doubtful that anyone would be able to tolerate Earl, the most irritating, offensive and thoroughly detestable character. Yet,
FINAL WORD If you enjoy overdone slapstick action sequences interspersed with questionably racist humour – then this is the film for you. If not then give yourself a treat, rent out Lethal Weapon and watch an action comedy that is actually entertaining.
American cop, Hank, is riding high on one gigantic streak of bad luck – having witnessed his partner’s murder, he then proceeds to lose his job, his girl and is sent to one damn scary prison. To top all this, he ends up being partnered with Earl…
American buddy comedy/action movie. It tries but unfortunately, fails. Its well-worn action/comedy plot is as old as the hills and about as
guess it’s not all bad; it’s lighthearted and very occasionally comes out with the odd cracking joke. The first fifteen minutes will probably make you laugh, but after that you’ll no doubt be more interested in your pick n mix – and rightly so!
ismatched partners, shoot-outs, diving to the ground in front of dramatic explosions and cheesy one-liners – National Security is trying to be your average
however irritating Martin Lawrence’s performance is, Steve Zahn is spot on, and to be honest, is just plain funny to look at (with all his features squashed into a third of his face… ahh, bless him… cracks me up every time!). He certainly creates a character the audience can feel genuine sympathy for. This film has stirred up a fair amount of controversy, and rightly so, it is thoroughly racist throughout. If any of Lawrence’s comments were given to Zahn then this film would cause an outcry. But because the racism is reversed then supposedly it’s ok… and funny… get it? Little hint guys – if you’re going to reuse a joke– then make sure it’s a good one. National Security relies heavily on slapstick humour and ‘is it 'cos I is Black?’ jokes, which frankly, aren’t funny. I
GRiP Raw, hard and sexy, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs recently blazed a firey path up and down the country with their ferocious live performances. Dave Gibson managed to interview the band before their sell-out secret Barfly gig and give them a good seeing to. It’s early Saturday afternoon, England will soon beat Wales at rugby and it’s the warmest the sun’s been all year. Despite this, it is the presence of New York’s finest and most highly-anticipated punk-rockers, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, that sets this day apart from the usual drag of consumer-tedium. Comprising three magnetic personalities and a primal, edgy brand of unadulterated punk-rock (no bass, no keyboards), YYY warmly welcome the cartoonish-portrayal they receive in the media. “It’s, like, we’re dirty, filthy ... kinda perverse,” offers Karen O. “We’re really into the whole contradiction side of everything and just try to be two things that don’t match at once. We want to be cartoony, to be portrayed that way, but there’s some seriously dark shit going on, undercurrents in our music.” Both Karen and Nick are bona-fide stars, beautiful in a gaunt, animalistic
THE SUN Back In The Summer of ‘72 Rough Trade Another slice of scuzzy rock released on Rough Trade records. The title is a bit of a giveaway as the band clatter away producing a sound not unlike that from when acid-fried artists were producing sub-par psychedelia. A bit harsh maybe, but then I can’t imagine anyone ever needing to buy this as long as there are Doors records available. Nice use of an organ though. Jon Griffiths
LORINDO Right Here Waiting Serious/Digidance Ever wandered what a trance version of Richard Marx’s 80s hit Right Here Waiting would sound like? Well thanks to Lorindo there’s now proof that it would sound terrible. There’s a good effort with the singing, but the uninspired trance of this record, really is nothing but cheese. Kathryn Archer
THE DELAYS Nearer Than Heaven Rough Trade Angelic pop-rock at its most evocative, The Delays display a sense of spiritual and emotional frailty to rival any in the business. Combined with skilful musicianship, they create three tracks that serenade the mind with their sweet song. Yet beneath the melodic overtones, there is a sorrowful undercurrent that gives the music that little extra depth that some lack. It’s difficult not to see success in The Delays’
Punk rock machines mould and both animated and album in the spring and early reactions passionate when addressing their prove promising. Though passing over audience. Karen possesses a natural epitomal-single Machine and upcoming charm not seen since Joplin’s fatal overdose, boisterously playful yet YYYs:Kinda perverse so personally reaching she becomes impossible not to adore. Even her cryptic outfits which containing subliminal demands, speak of the conceptual-ingenuity separating YYY from most of their peers. “We’re trying to work with the sort of modern-day audience born with an extremely short attention-span and so my outfits, and what I’m dealing with, is really to keep the attention on me. Manipulation is the key word: just manipulate yourself and the crowd.” Born from 2001’s garage-rock phenomena alongside fellow New Yorkers The Strokes and The release Date With The Night! in favour Liars, YYY finally release their debut of a structure where each track launches
near future. Paul Brown
CHUNGKING World Of a Thousand Suns Tummy Touch The music of ChungKing is like a floaty dream passing by. Their drifting melodies from enchanting female vocals on World Of A Thousand Suns swirl between the brassband sounds that pomp along. They have their own little groove going that is quite other worldly. Kathryn Archer
CLIPPER EP In Use Day and Night Demo Enthusiastic, vaguely grungy debut EP from this Newport based 5-piece, that opens promisingly enough with some suitably moody and atmospheric riffage, but soon gets buried beneath a mountain of niggles and flaws. A flat production and inconsistant vocals are annoying though forgiveable – the excessive noodling that kills the dynamism of these three tracks is a bit more worrying. Nothing that can’t be solved, though – there’s potential here, once these guys find their teeth. Gareth Lloyd
ATHLETE El Salvador EMI Records As everyone knows, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Mildly bothersome
angst-peddler Avril Lavigne, then, must be blushing through her messy fringe, because the first buoyant minute of El Salvador is such a close facsimile of Complicated that you can almost hear her lawyer’s shouts of celebration over the chorus. However, in characteristic Athlete style, the rest of the song serves as a rather effective reminder that summer is just round the corner. A must for sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder the world over. Will Turnpenny
SHARKO Meeuws 2 Peermusic France ‘Post-modern’ is not a phrase which I am altogether comfortable using, due largely to the fact that in recent years it has become something of a woolly-minded buzzword, an easy way to create an undeserved mystique. On listening to this record, however, I can’t find another word that seems to describe it quite so fittingly. Meeuws 2 is a strange concoction of disconnected,
into another, their new material is deeply sexual in a sleazy, Parisian-bordello essence and likely to distance the growing gap between them and their native scene. “It’s become really fragmented,” explains Nick. “There’s this whole new school that’s come up in the last year I don’t even know about - I feel like a dinosaur sometimes. We’re off doing just totally different things. With the exception of Liars, who we’ve, hopefully, grown with, everyone’s just taken-off into their directions and it’s good - no-one’s really relying on each other or specific scenes to hold them up.” “We’re really trying to forge a new sound for the US,' agrees Karen. With an LP of danceable, infectious punk comes possibly the last band ever to revere. They blur the divides between purity and decadence, sexuality and childish-innocence, confusion and simplicity. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs cannot fail to succeed. “The goal of any good rock-star.” ends Karen, “is to make the audience as unselfconscious as possible. If you’re standing in a crowd and self-conscious about whether or not you should dance, then we’re not doing our job ’cause we want you all to not give a shit. We’re not curing cancer of anything, we’re just having a fucking good time.”
freeform lyrics, lo-fi, jangling guitars and bizarre samples which, given time, will worm its way both into your affections and your subconscious. It’s difficult to find reference points for such a diverse offering, but if you think of E from Eels singing Pavement songs in a French accent, you’re almost there. Will Turnpenny
MATRIX VS GOLDTRIX It’s Love Serious Records Oh now this is something special. Possibly the most essential track you will hear all summer it will have you wetting your pants down in old Ibiza town. Or perhaps its just the same old dance floor bollocks rehashed and repackaged for the chemical kids. Decide for yourself...Richard Samuels
3 DOORS DOWN Away From The Sun Island
This American four piece has come a long way from their Mississippi roots. The 2000 album The Better Life and the hit big ballad Be Like That propelled them into the public eye in the US. Now their anticipated follow up is here and has been nominated for 2 grammys. The album has a distinctive rock feel to it and fits in with the likes of Nickelback (only Athlete: Big fans of cheerleader queen Avril much better!). A apparently...
worthy addition to any rock lovers collection. Chris Pietryka
PLANET FUNK Who Said Illustrious Whinging on and on about your failed aspirations to make it big in the USA does not a good record make. Add to that some shit half arsed Basement Jaxx rip-off style beats and production and you have yourself a terrible tune. Belt up and knob off. Richard Samuels
DAVID GRAY Be Mine Warners Well David Gray has gone away, put two and two together and come up with another generic ballad. However that is not to say this is a bad song. It is eminently listenable and grows on you quite quickly. But it would be nice to see him try something different for a change. Chris Pietryka
MJ COLE Wondering Why Talkin Loud The master of UK garage is finally back with his trademark slick production and ear for a tune. Essentially a pop track, MJ Cole is not one to forget soul, and with Vulu’s vocals he captures what a lot of garage tunes are screaming out for. The new album will certainly be one to watch out for. Kathryn Archer
Single of the month
INTERPOL Say Hello To The Angels / NYC Matador
<209> Take Me I’m Yourz Bohemian Records
The band who towered over everyone else on the recent NME tour, Interpol are masters of layered, sophisticated misery. There’s more to them, though, than the recurrent Joy Division comparisons: both double A-sides here juxtapose and integrate existential dread with its redemptive flipside to superb effect. In a stroke of brilliantly deadpan wit, jaunty guitar chords fill the emotional void at the heart of Say Hello To The Angels, while NYC subverts its dark night of the soul with flowing absolution: “It’s up to me now, turn on the bright lights”. Magnificent. Alex “Unibrow” Macpherson
of a Celine Dion album. Brilliant then! Jamie Fullerton
Nu-metal shenanigans in the same heavy guitars and rapping UK vein as LostProphets, just not as good (any British person using the word Y’all deserves to be shot). Problem is whiney emo rules the roost, Nu-metal has officially been pronounced dead, so why bother? Talk about pissing into the wind. Rob Jackson
★★ Interpol: Currently being stalked by at least THREE members of the gair rhydd office...
New York cares MELLAFONE Every Word I Drop EP Kooba Records Hailing from Bournemouth, Mellafone are duo Chris Mears & James Child-Evans. The first signing on Kooba Records, the press have compared them to Radiohead and Coldplay, the latter being slightly more evident. The warm notes of the vibraphone, double bass, the soft hi-hat and the strong, vivid strings give the whole EP a jazzy yet orchestral feel and imbues a soflty organic tone throughout. The vocals are part Elbow, part Coldplayish, but you can tell they’re not really trying to copy anyone. Pauline Cheung
BEAT PUSHER FEAT. MIRANDA BRAINSBY Saving Grace (Murto) Serious Records
THE GRIM NORTHERN SOCIAL Honey One Little Indian Good lord, boys, how many fucking times do you need to be told? Britpop is dead, and was utter shite for the duration of its miserable life anyway. No one
You know I kinda like this single. The singer sounds uncannily like Chad Kroeger from Nickleback but hey he did help pen the tune so what do you expect. The song itself alternates between some soft melodies then explodes into some proper rocking periods with killer guitar riffs. NB remember to get a famous lead singer to write your first single and you will be guaranteed a sure fire hit! Angela Singh
★★ INME Neptune Music For Nations Unfortunatly for InMe the numetal party is over, and the trio from Essex are hardly going to kick-start the scene off with this record. Dave McPherson growls away fittingly and the main riff is deep and meaty, but it leads nowhere. If you’re looking for new metal angst, skip this record and try Slipknot. Better still, just don’t bother. Charlie Jeynes
MACY GRAY When I See You Epic Madness in pop is something which, in the face of the increasing tide of bland-out reality TV popstarz, needs to be encouraged wherever it occurs. You should, therefore, welcome the return of everyone’s favourite Marge Simpson soundalike with open arms, as she hasn’t disappointed. When I See You is a riotous work-out of old-skool funk, with insanely joyous backing vocals and
★★★★ KELLY ROWLAND Can’t Nobody Columbia Records
Avril: Honorary member of cheerleader special school.
Well, when Destiny’s Child took their “break” from being a three piece, who would have thought Kelly Rowland would be so successful? Compared to the last (ever so slightly depressing) single Stole, this is a funky little number. It is more upbeat and has a pumping bass line. Right on sister! Angela Singh
AUDIOSLAVE Like a Stone Epic/Interscope ‘That’ band return with a likeable but not exceptional grunge ballad. It’s too early to say whether their product will prove worthy of the sum of their parts but Like a Stone is a promising beginning, proving the RATM/Chris Cornell formula works well in principle but not yet providing the impetus of a true anthem. The old school survives to fight another day. Dave Gibson
AVRIL LAVIGNE I’m With You Arista/BMG Penned by Avril and The Matrix (backing band or men in suits; you decide, but you just know they’re named after the film) it’s another day in the pugnosed Shania Twain fan’s life, but this time slowed down and with the production techniques
You’ll have heard this, as it’s been on every BBC trailer since the beginning of time. So you’ll know that it’s a glorious slice of piano-driven rock that makes life seem all rosy and lush. Yummy. Never let it leave your stereo. Amy Butterworth
GOLDFRAPP Train Mute Has it really been three years since Goldfrapp’s skykissingly beautiful debut? Quite frankly, that’s far too long without the presence of their otherworldly serenity. Train ups their tempo slightly - you could even, conceivably, dance to it - but as ever it’s Alison Goldfrapp’s voice, all serene elision and pristine dread, which remains her band’s unique trump card. Alex Macpherson
★★★★ THE KILLS Fried My Little Brains Domino
BRASSY Play Some D Wiija If you have a television, you’ll know this song, the terminally annoying one that runs under the ‘Hello Moto’ adverts during films on ITV. Riding in the wake of an advertising campaign may be the most cynical of ploys to get record sales, but it’s bringing the excellent Brassy to the attention of the masses, which can only be a good thing, right? Rob J
KILLER MIKE FEAT. BIG BOI A.D.I.D.A.S. Columbia There’s such a sweet sound to this song that you almost don’t realise that the raps are filthy; men drilling their women like Black ‘n’ Deckers and when they’re not, they’re dreaming about sex all day. All this set to Princey funk backdrop and the fella from Outkast dropping in to lay down some dirty rhymes. Mat C
Saying this is one of less good songs on Keep on Your Mean Side is like saying that finding £10million on one side of the road and a bargain price crack n’ whore house on the other, is a less good way of spending a Sunday afternoon. The general Kills formulae does it’s duties:- the worlds most suave drum machine conducting equally robotic blues-schmooze guitar whacking from Hotel and feline wailing of VV. Utterly pointless as a single yet still nothing short of fabulous, and affirms The Kills as the coolest new cats in an increasingly dark alley. John Widdop
DAMIEN RICE Woman Like A Man DRM/14th Floor Monsieur Rice played the Toucan just a few weeks ago, but for those who missed it, here’s an idea of what went on there. Simply produced, passionately sung acoustic fare that’d work excellently live, from its fiery opening to its whimsical finish the cd’s an 18-minute treat. And all right, he does recall Jeff Buckley on the last track, but the voice is nowhere close. Cassidy Phillips
DEFAULT Deny TVT Records
tangential horn sections working their magic effectively. Best of all, Macy sounds like she’s having the most fun anyone could possibly have ever. Alex Macpherson
Magnet’s music is what might happen if Radiohead started writing songs again. What we’ve got here is not quite a male Bjork, but someone close enough to make him worth watching. Mat C
COLDPLAY Clocks Parlophone
Sod Miranda Bransby and the illiterate Shake B4 Use Radio Mix and head straight for track three, which in chart dance single terms, is regularly treated as the graveyard zone. Your reward is the 8.5 minute epic Murto, the teenage-birth child of bona fide old skool classics Set You Free and Let Me Be Your Fantasy with instrumental piano’s tacked onto pulsating breaks and eerie echoes. Memories of a golden age when Pete Waterman was ‘between jobs’, The Chart Show ruled with iron fists and The Nightcrawlers were top ten regulars ensue as a pleasant diversion, although this is obviously ten years too late for anyone other than the Eurodance generation to look twice at. John Widdop
cares about pub rock chancers like you any more, and this offensively half-assed semi-tune ain’t gonna help matters. Go on, fuck off back to the special school. Alex “No Tunes” Macpherson Zero stars
MAGNET The Day We Left Town EP Ultimate Dilemma
PICK OF THE REST
14 Bloodthirsty Lovers: They’ve been to Memphis
Our bloody valentine
Photo: Rob J
THE BLOODTHIRSTY LOVERS/ENON Barfly
BUFFSEEDS/DEBAUCHEE Barfly Generic baggy and cut-price Britpop are what support act Debauchee are all about, a puzzling stance for a band whose members hail from Cardiff and Swansea to take. Maybe they watched 24 Hour Party People last night. They must have stayed up late, lethargically plodding they can barely muster the effort required to hold their instruments. Buffseeds are purveyors of classical British indie and their songs flow with graceful ease mainly thanks to Keiron Scraggs vocals; the sound of pained fragility itself and a constant source of joy. They lack the dark urgency of, say, Radiohead or Small Victories, and fall short of the sheer songwriting pedigree of Elbow or Doves, so it’s pretty difficult to work out exactly why we need them at all. The answer of course, is that we don’t. Jamie Fullerton
JURASSIC 5 Bristol Academy The Academy might have wanted to cater for the scores of fans missing a ticket to see legendary sextet Jurassic 5 pay a rare visit to the West country. But for hip-hoppers stacked three floors deep inside, the only haggling on their mind was for a pitch closer to the stage and the opportunity to delve as far as they could into the musical time warp that are J-5. And, as frustrating as it may be to learn for those who might have turned down an abusively overpriced ticket, the group more than delivered. The set spanned the expanse of their recorded career, pulling out classics from the debut EP and premiering cuts from newly released Power In Numbers. Heads nodded idly to the lazy flow of Jayou, whilst mouths found familiarity in the immortal Concrete Schoolyard. Four MCs looped and weaved around one another lyrically, wrapping rhymes tightly around unparalleled DJing from Cut Chemist and Nu-Mark. There remained a healthy window for free styling, and so for Charlie 2na to really shine as somewhat of a blueprint rhymer. As the quill was to Shakespeare, the mic is to this man. Positivity has been the ethos of Jurassic 5 since forming at the aptly named LA café ‘Good Life’ in 1997; this and reviving an era of hip hop buried deeply beneath modern day commercialism. Turntable jams sparring the finest mixing and tribal drumming only done justice live, trademark flute samples somehow reminiscent of the sound of Sesame Street, and the seemingly unwavering ‘realness’ of the group calls under question the tired accusation that Jurassic 5 are merely rehashing a throwback period of rap and lack progress. Rap at its infantile stages is fondly revived rather than rehashed.
For Enon I will have to make lazy comparisons to Les Savy Fav, The Dismemberment Plan; Brainiac etc. seeing as these bands never held to any particular style, they are the ‘un-pinnable bands’. Natural Disasters is intensely catchy, the skit skattery nature of John’s singing making you believe that in fact he is the one, not female bassist, Toko Yasuda who is from Japan. Disposable Parts sees John take over the bass for the first time in the set and Toko is left to sing a really dancey, 80’s new wave kind of number. Even more un-pinnable are their friends, The Bloodthirsty Lovers. Opener Casio Fight Song sounds exactly like that, gothic organ and deep rumbling bass; it’s a nifty little instrumental. This earth moving bass seems to be a common theme, as well as drums that are so awesomely complex, with rapid signature changing, it makes me believe that the drummer must have a third arm. From hip-hop to drum and bass beats to beats I don’t know how to term, the rhythms are as much a part of the songs as the bright piano, mellatron, singular droning chords and multiple synthy spacey sounds that pop up through the set. It’s just a such a cringe that they have to start the night off with ten people in the room and feel the smack of tumbleweeds when singer David Shouse (ex-Grifters and Those Bastard Souls) makes tentative small talk in-between songs like, "So has anyone ever been to Memphis?" Never mind, I guess the crowd don’t need to speak, it’s the songs that speak volumes. Pauline Cheung In having managed to preserve such an organic style and prevail a particular standard of hip hop, Jurassic 5 have achieved something remarkable in itself. Contributions from the likes of Nelly Furtardo and Big Daddy Kane in the studio and cuts through from Run DMC to the Neptunes are an indication that neither the group’s musical influences, nor Cut Chemist’s decks have remained stagnant since park jams and block parties. Jurassic 5 have instead evolved into a showpiece resurrection of the bones of hip hop so often fleshed out with gross over-indulgence. Melanie Roberts
AIM Clwb Ifor Bach The Hustler Showcase continues to bring quality hip hop acts to quiet Cardiff Sunday nights. After the ebullient Blackalicious, we are treated to the apple of Grand Central Records' eye, Aim (real name, Andy Turner). The most exciting hip hop label in Britain, they have an ethos of producing soulful, funkdriven and blissfully chilled out hip hop and Aim is considered one of their key assets. With an eleven-piece band cramming onto the tiny stage, we knew we were in for something a little different tonight. Right from the start they were unafraid to take the gentle approach. With Andy shunning the limelight, the two singers (Niko and Spikey G) and the trumpet player led us on a lilting, sonorious journey through jazz, funk and electro fusions. Showcasing mostly material from the second album, they avoided the more overtly hip hop led debut Cold Water Music. For me this was a shame because as a live act they were at their best when they were rolling out the more lively party tunes. Nonetheless with the exception the overcrowding, I can think of few better ways to spend a chilled Sunday evening. Ben Hammond
EP For You My Dear material they win over the audience with their deft combination of acoustic and electric guitars with smooth percussion. Added to this is pint sized frontman Scott IrbyRanniar whose vocals add an extra depth to an already impressive outfit. And with songs such as Blown Away and crowd pleaser Angelica this train shows no sign of stopping. Headliners Home Grown provide the bulk of the entertainment tonight; and songs like Give it Up, I’ll Never Fall in Love and Tomorrow provide the soundtrack to the evening’s mosh pit activities. While its clear that this band owe more than most to Blink 182 their obvious enjoyment at what they do is clear for all to see - and making sure that everyone who wants one gets an autograph at the end is something that more bands would do well to imitate. In short Home Grown tonight proved that they are indeed the Kings of pop. Rob Johnson
THE KILLS/ FUTUREHEADS Barfly Friday night, a perfect night for test flights for the latest products on the hype machine conveyor belt.Sunderland quartet, The Futureheads, go forth with a trio of Blur-like mumbles, before delighting with a determined lack of regard for melody and timing and almost literally throwing themselves into random harmonies and more hissy false starts and “1-2-3-4!”’s than a pick-up-truck driven by Ikara Colt and
Joey Ramone. Sadly not quite as much fun, but pogo-tastic enough for music sounding like it was written by accident. The Kills, on the other hand, do a mean job of turning what seems increasingly like an accidental concept into the most finely toned, immaculate output. Using the most minimal of weaponry, transatlantic duo VV: (looking intense, vocals, occasional guitar) and Hotel (looking even more intense, snarling vocals and performing dirty dark blues riffs), plus an equally murderous drum machine pretty much hang, draw, and quarter the bewildered Barfly crowd. Spitting and growling their way through the majority of debut Keep on Your Mean Side, including a violently eruptive Superstition and barn-storming punultimate track Black Rooster, and finding time to perform perverse danse macabre during the Velvets-drone of Kissy Kissy, the realisation hits you that a Kills gig as more than your average blues schmooze. The duo exhume a detached, oft-disturbing aura, which, contrived or not, is piled with darkly smoking chemistry between male and female hemisphere and when a flicker of a smile appears, or a waft of intensity is lifted, it’s amost a relief, and its this matching of lust fuelled fury with immaculately controlled music wreckage, that sets The Kills several lights years seperate from their peers. Feeling uncomfortable never felt so appropriate. John Widdop
STEEL TRAIN/HOME GROWN, Newport TJ’s California’s Home Grown are a band to be proud of. Choosing to play this their first UK headlining gig tonight instead of taking a break from supporting Something Corporate. Due to the rarity of this kind of gig and the current media hype surrounding Drive-Thru bands (see Finch) you would be forgiven for expecting a sell out tonight. Not so, tonight has been woefully under advertised and consequently undersold, but to the credit of the bands playing tonight you wouldn’t notice. Support band Steel Train tonight are incredible - choosing to play newer songs over their debut
The Kills: To die for
15 JAMES YORKSTON AND THE ATHLETES Chapter Arts Centre Pared down to a three piece, James Yorkston and his Athletes (though, Celtic shirt notwithstanding, arriving onstage fag-in-mouth implies the sporty epithet may be an ironic one) bring their modest success of an album to Cardiff’s Chapter Arts Centre. The songs from Moving Up Country on display here lack the lush arrangements of the recorded version, but still manage to retain their strange magic. Yorkston’s rich and melodic voice, as well as a disarmingly selfeffacing line in stage-banter, belies the gentle cynicism of songs which tell tales of loves lost and loves never won. With a young and ethnically-diverse backing band and a brisk line in tales of yearning and redemption, Yorkston has neatly sidestepped the chunky-knit sweaters and sandal brigade, reclaiming traditional instruments for the new millennium and something of a hipster crowd. In the end, though, this is a quiet triumph: an intimate evening in with Yorkston and his broken heart. The occasional veer into bayou-banjo swamp-folk is received with good grace, and the folkie it’s okay to admit liking has converted a few more sceptics this evening. Straight away he’s off again – a peripatetic troubadour bringing his offbeat vision, if not to the masses, then at least to those willing to leave their preconceptions at the door. Tim Killick
GRiP shows of the year truly begins as The Hope Conspiracy take the stage! They explode into their set, wielding their instruments like axe murderers as they tear through material from their two albums and the File 03 EP. Despite having recently lost a drummer and guitarist, they gel perfectly as a band and although having adopted a slightly cleaner and more stripped down sound have lost none of their raw power. However, even this fails to move the majority of the crowd; most of whom stand sluggishly nodding their heads and complaining about the handful of dancers. As a result despite the tremendous performance by the band, the obvious disinterest of the crowd leaves a bad taste in my mouth and spoils an otherwise amazing gig. Luke Grahame
"We're looking for a Top 200 placing" announces Dan Popplewell casually, before launching into new single First Day of the Holidays. Perennial underachievers they may be but Ooberman are loved by their fan-base with a devotion worthy of any major players. Ooberman: a band from another time performing gems so well-crafted, it would be a shame to sell them to the casual and undeserving world outside the grotty walls of the Barfly. Perched on the rim of the stage mere inches from their adoring fans, Ooberman are a band for right here, right now, and in that light tonight's intimate (and predominantly female) crowd should be seen as special rather than sparse. As if to confirm this intimacy, a girl behind me contributes further by blowing bubbles over my head and leaving soapy residue in my hair. For many, Ooberman's light-hearted prog-pop is too bizarre for credibility, yet their arsenal of underrated classics (Million Suns, Pulp-esque Beany Bean) make for entertaining listening. The new material, faintly folky yet intensely radio-friendly, shows the band indulging deeper in surrealism, highlighted by Snake Dance - a whirl of snake-charmer violins distorting into a Zorba the Greek style romp. Keyboardist Sophia Churney's vocals remain relatively weak but the male/female crossovers provide additional impetus to the music, incorporating an almost conversational aspect to the vox. Why Ash can reach such dizzying heights and Ooberman have so far failed is unclear. A Britpop relic but not a bad one. Dave Gibson
THISGIRL/JARCREW/ENGERICA Newport TJ`s Engerica, from what I could tell, owed a lot to Refused and The International Noise Conspiracy although they did have a couple of moments of powerful driving rock that was reminiscent of By A Thread. The thundering drum build up that they closed with was fantastic though. Jarcrew have been getting a lot of glossy media attention recently and after tonight’s performance it’s not hard to see why. Taking equal parts Refused, Devo and Fugazi and blending them all into one great sonic mish mash of noise, Jarcrew are a breath of fresh air in an industry dominated by generic clones. The term generic would usually be one I would use to describe ThisGirl, as the past times I’ve seen them they have been truly awful. However, tonight’s performance is different and goes some way towards justifying some of the hype that currently surrounds them. The songs that are so weak and
frenetic full-lengths. The crowd, however, obviously didn’t get the memo, because they remain perplexingly static throughout. Nevertheless, when the time comes, Winnebago Deal tear the house down with their unholy marriage of punk, grunge and metal, and as they leave the stage, all White Stripes comparisons have been completely blown out of the water. The Blood Brothers command the stage with aplomb, and their set is dazzling. Most apparent tonight is the way the band gel together. The instruments weave in and out of one another with dexterity while vocalists Jordan and Johnny rush around the stage in a whirlwind of camp handclaps and contorted shapes, switching from eye-popping screams to sickly sweet croons at the drop of the hat. Softer songs like …Denver Max are given a rigorous overhaul, while other favourites like Fucking’s Greatest Hits reach an even higher fever pitch than their recorded counterparts. Will Turnpenny
Only a band like Lemon Jelly could get away with having a bingo session as a support act. Hosted by the band themselves it’s a highly amusing and original way to open a gig. No lackluster tunes from a fading Brit-Pop star or unenthusiastic punk rock from 12 year olds, just eyes down and fun all the way. Which is also a perfect description of tonight’s performance by Fred and Nick. Riding high on the success of their Lost Horizons album the duo bound around the stage like primary school kids on a sugar rush. Switching rapidly between guitars, decks, a cello and a mixing board the size of the Ark Royal, Fred and Nick make for lively performers - even if some of their tunes never reach full pace. Only during the swirling finale of Nice Weather For Ducks does the tempo allow for real shape throwing, the rest of the set allowing everyone to bob along nicely, mesmerised by the pretty lights. It’s the lack of real dancing material which might be Lemon Jelly’s live downfall. It’s all very well making everyone laugh, but sooner or later the joke could well be on them. Andy Parsons
COME ROCK : HORSE! CHUCK NINJA AND ICARUS THINKER Seren Las In case you weren’t aware, Come Rock is to the indie/rock scene what Come Play is to the cheese and cheap vodka scene. Same promoters, same fit young ladies, just different a venue and some live music. Horse! opened the proceedings with a short set of hardcore, verging on punk, rock and roll tunes. Chuck Ninja then unleashed their usual politico-social orientated melange of lyrics and instrumentals. Although slow to assume their usual confident stance, the latter half of their set once again had their secure fan-base grinning ear to ear in satisfaction. Headliners, Icarus Thinker closed happenings up with their Coldplay/Doves-esque traditional indie set. Ever true to their reputed form, these boys were well rehearsed and handsomely well received. Andrew Davidson
Watford‘s Cry For Silence (signed to Welsh label Staunch Records) kick off the proceedings tonight with a set of chuggy Shai Hulud-esque hardcore blended with a faster, more old school approach. They come across as extremely tight and professional sounding but lacking the onstage magic tonight that has made them so special in the past. Despite a substandard performance, they are still a band to watch out for. Germany’s I Defy had been billed as being Europe’s answer to Stretch Armstrong, a comparison they failed to live up to. Their set, although full of energy for the first few songs, lacked any real variation and quickly became boring, not helped by tonight’s crowd who seemed entirely subdued and apathetic throughout the night. Finally, one of the most anticipated
All things considered, tonight was always going to be energetic. Winnebago Deal are becoming well established on the lunatic fringe of the two-piece rock revolution, and headliners The Blood Brothers have already blazed a trail through three
So, two years after the original Popstars, Hearsay, played the CIA (remember them?), come Liberty X, with a show that clearly displayed a pop band that can far out-do the talents and musical know-how of their suitably defunct television rivals. We all knew the once labelled flop stars were good thanks to the pop genius that is Just A Little. But exactly how the five members would be able to cope with headlining their first UK tour in front of a capacity arena crowd remained to be seen... Coupled with a flawless four piece band and group of dancers; Michelle, Tony, Kevin, Kelli and Jessica opened with Got To Have Your Love and afterwards, performed most of the songs from the Thinking It Over album. The most notable, No Clouds, confirmed how magnificent their voices really are. There was no dramatic entrance, ambitious costuming or mad lighting effects but the show’s atmosphere was perhaps indicative of the kind of audience Liberty X are attracting (mainly 18+) and with a further date planned at the CIA next February, no doubt all that palava can wait ‘til then. Matthew Wilkin
THE HOPE CONSPIRACY/I DEFY/CRY FOR SILENCE Newport TJ’s
THE BLOOD BROTHERS/ WINNEBAGO DEAL Barfly
LIBERTY X CIA
LEMON JELLY Bristol Academy
GRANDADDY London Bush Hall Nervously hunched over his stickeradorned keyboard, Grandaddy’s Jason Lyttle twinges with nervousness and pained concentration. His band have hardly performed live in 18 months and they barely know how to play any of their new songs. They counteract this by playing only two, the beautifully sparse Yeah Is What We Had which conjures a hazy horizon viewed from a virgin island ripe for exploration, and the more upbeat Not It’s On, a forthcoming single. Elsewhere they play moments from their modern classic album The Sophtware Slump; Hewlett’s Daughter and Miner At The Dial-A-View demonstrating the soaring ambition the band maintain while remaining as intimate as Lennon at a piano. These are the resounding implications that Grandaddy are the most valuable of treasures to discover. The temptation of course is to mow them down with an Uzi and turn them into timeless legends. Jamie Fullerton
lacklustre on cd are given a new injection of life tonight and come across with an uncharacteristic energy and power. For some reason, they end their set after only five songs which finishes the night on a good note. Verdict: Jarcrew – amazing! ThisGirl – A confusingly good set. Luke Grahame
PICK OF THE REST THE HIDDEN CAMERAS The Smell Of Our Own Rough Trade Haphazard fifteen-piece Canadian troupe The Hidden Cameras describe their music as “gay church music”, partake in ludicrous stage shows with masked go-go dancers and semi-naked Roman centurions, which, if it hasn’t already prompted instant purchase, quite frankly should. Like many seemingly self-contained bands before them, the Toronto-bred Cameras are a mish-mash of influences, from the homoromantic necessity of The Magnetic Fields to the Sunday school fizzpop of Belle and Sebastian and the sweeping psychedelia of The Polyphonic Spree (the most obvious, though not necessarily most accurate comparison), but thankfully none of these are overdosed in the sugarmouse-sweet Hidden Cameras ethic. Songwriter Joel Gibb has a captivating voice and despite the occasionally slip, a similarly likable songwriting hand. Homewrecking single Ban Marriage and seaside folk song Boys Of Melody (imagine if Simon & Garfunkel were more than just friends) are standouts, but very little detracts from The Smell Of Our Own as an outsider triumph of how the simplicity of a good pop hook and a quirky catchphrase could convert even the straightest of souls. John Widdop
MEW Frengers Epic Few could deny the musical importance of the Danish pop scene in the last decade. Academics in the field agree that Whigfield’s seminal single Saturday Night, and of course the heady dual vocals of Aqua’s Cartoon Heroes, both changed the face of school discos forever. However, fey noise-poppers Mew have (mercifully) turned their backs on this rich heritage for this, their debut UK album. The ten tracks featured on Frengers bristle with energy and innovation, and while the band’s trademark androgynous vocals and dreamy keyboards abound, they are interspersed with driving guitars and overwhelming melody. The numerous highlights include the Sturm und Drang of Am I Wry? No! and the intricate guitar pop of She Spider. Indispensable. Will Turnpenny
Album of the month
Junior Senior: Not the first occurrence of Danes enjoying a golden shower
JUNIOR SENIOR D-D-Don’t Don’t Stop The Beat Crunchy Frog/Mercury Danish duo Junior Senior couldn’t be more different if they tried, Musical whiz-kid Junior with his slender Beck-esque style and slick vocals is the brains behind the outfit, Senior his larger counterpart with funky vocals and porn star moustache is the comedy element. Add them both together though, and what you get is simply dynamite. Their irresistible and hugely enjoyable multi-layered funk-pop is something the charts have long needed, and recent single Move Your Feet is thankfully only a taster of what this brilliant album has to offer. Fun, retro hip-shakers like Good Girl, Bad Boy, Dynamite and the amusingly titled Chicks And Dicks are the perfect companion to the imminent summer. Junior Senior are essentially pure, giddy rays of sunshine in a dull and banal music market, their presence in the music world makes the weariness of life seem that little bit more bearable. Gemma Jones
Great Danes SQUEEZEBOX Drowning In Shallow Water FF Vinyl From essentially a low-key local release, Squeezebox’s debut takes on an urgent air of significance since the tragically early death of drummer Lee Pennington. Signs from the offset are worrying though: opener Glasshouse has the kind of U2-esque atmosphere being pulled off to much greater effect locally by the likes of Transposer and Small Victories, while much of the rest is disappointingly generic British indie-rock with little attention to lyrics (“gang bang in the caravan… get a life bitch get a life bitch”, anyone?) It’s a familiar pattern, and everything Squeezebox are doing, from Buckley strumming to Britpop stompers, is being done by a squillion others. Jamie Fullerton
BULLET OF DIPLOMACY We Are The Rascal Multitude Who Killed Culture? Good intentions these days are like pigeons: so many of them flying about, but what you remember of them is that they’re full of shit. Anti-capitalist and anti-war political statements are similarly ten-apenny, so it seriously has to be the sharpest knife in the rack that cuts the mustard. Like good Boy Scouts, Bullet Of Diplomacy have mastered the basics of mixing music and politics, slapping in a pointlessly long Noam Chomsky quote, dotting key words like ‘pro-freemarket’ and ‘disenfranchised’ and scrawling anti-war slogans all over the place. Musically, imagine floppy haired indie boys ‘doing’ punk rock for a bit, and then giving up on the enthusiasm entirely and hoping the strength of the lyrics will carry them away. Which is the problem: if the intentions are good, but the music crap, you’re left with just unpretty words arranged in a pretty way, a bit like being given a copy of Generation
Terrorists without the CD in it. And who the hell wants that? John Widdop
MADNOMAD Tamper Evident Sugarshack Kicking off with truly freaky jazz-punk, this album sounds like it’s gonna rule. Until you get to the seven or eight tracks which make up the middle, which plod in a sub-Chemical Brothers indie dance rut. And because Madnomad couldn’t write a hook if you set their momma on fire, they pad these out with samples of self-help records. After the tedium sets in, a couple of crazy tunes end the proceedings, but by then you don’t really care. And the album cover’s shit. Mat C
INTERNATIONAL PONY We Love Music Skint
A.R.E. Weapons as three of them together in one gang, always wearing leather, standing on the sidewalk or whatever - WHATEVER. Yes, this is in fact like Liam Lynch, except they started doing it before he did and with far more intelligence. With the lyrical prowess of Lou Reed, they sing about nerd losers who walk around by themselves and get given bits of advice from their mom like “don’t be scared”, plus a lot more stuff too politically incorrect and repulsive to mention here. More visceral and less retro than The Faint and The Rapture, A.R.E. Weapons are gonna be bringing back the acronym revival before too long. Pauline Cheung
★★★★ OK GO OK GO Capitol
“Mediocre people do exceptional things all the time” sing OK GO on the fourth track What To Do. And they should know – this otherwise mediocre album kicks off with the truly exceptional King Adora-esque riff-monster that is Get Over It. It’s the kind of song that makes you want to stomp around your bedroom going “woo!” embarrassingly loudly at the appropriate moments. Apart from that though, this is uninspiring stuff. There’s A Fire almost reaches the bouncing heights of the single, but C-C-Cinnamon Lips (contender for the worst song
title in the world?) drags it back down again, and wouldn’t sound out of place on the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack. Everything else sounds suspiciously like Robbie Williams’ wet music dreams. You’re best off buying the single and putting it on repeat. Amy Butterworth
THE EXIT New Beat Some Records It takes a special sort of talent to be this bad, to combine the worst aspects of just about every genre in one horrendous package. Suburban confessional lyrics, for the most part ineptly inarticulate (“this utter feeling of lonely eats me up inside”); faux-observational vignettes of lonely men smoking their last cigarette which ring as true as Jenny From The Block; a song about parental issues. Overblown guitar chords with just a hint of corporate garage rock (nothing too dangerously raw, mind); a voice so character-less that you wouldn’t notice if it stopped singing. Unforgivably, a ghastly pair of cringeworthy politicking tracks which offer up lame student clichés in lame student language and rhyming dictionary couplets, one of which contains the actual phrase “urban jungle”. There can be no mercy for these people; shoot to kill. Alex Macpherson Zero stars
International Pony are DJ Koze, Cosmic DJ and Erobique from Germany, and have a decidedly eclectic love of music. We Love Music sees the trio playing around with different grooves, a fresh-faced affair with music. Starting with the slow basslines of Pony The Funk, the album moves through electro-funk, with the odd R’n’B flavour added by Austin Cole, to the spectacular hip-hop swagger of Hangin’ Around, and peaking with the get-offyour-seat-and-dance future disco of A New Bassline For Jose. Complete with their OK GO: Shocked by hardcore cock-tassle action amusing interludes, International Pony have proved that they really do love the music. Kathryn Archer
A.R.E WEAPONS A.R.E Weapons Rough Trade You know there’s always the lovable rogue, whichever 80s American teen movie you’re watching? The one awkwardly trying to be cool, but at the same time he’s such a dork and he’s funny ‘cos he’s stupid? Well, you can imagine
17 FREEWAY Philadelphia Roc A Fella Records Well, being signed to the same record label as Mr Jigga Jay-Z will never do anyone any harm, especially newcomer Freeway. It just shows that it’s all about contacts these days as this album welcomes a whole array of superstars. You know, all in all this dude has three solo songs and the rest feature stars such as Nelly, Jay-Z, Nate Dogg, Snoop Dogg and even Mariah Carey. It’s not a bad first album, just not amazingly good. His style of rapping is nothing new, the tunes are ever so slightly on the dark side but they aren’t bad at all. According to Freeway, Roc A Fella Records make music you can feel… well, I am feeling some of the record and I am digging his contact book, so in that respect I guess it’s all gravy, baby! Angela Singh
ADEQUATE SEVEN Songs Of Innocence And Of Experience Household Name Opener The Shape Of Funk To Come is a brief, soulful jazz instrumental despairingly eclipsed by the tuneless, hardcore-punk of Human Condition. The album begins to improve midway with the playful hip-hop of Minor Details and second instrumental Meltdown but it’s too little to prevent the Songs Of Innocence... growing tediously repetitive. The sound of a band prematurely transcending the live arena for the studio. Dave Gibson
GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB Shampoo Victims Arista
GRiP Off, But We Have The Music never fail to deliver. A beautiful album to accompany through the summer. Rob Jackson
SIMON MULLIGAN Piano Sony Classical Following in the footsteps of Madonna’s Music (which had music on it), Piano features the eponymous instrument on every track. Playing adaptations of Tears in Heaven, the Band Of Brothers theme and I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. And dear gods, it is as bland as that sounds, especially when the saccharine strings and chill-out percussion come in. The playing’s nice enough, but it’s got as much passion to it as a Mogadon-addled eunuch. Buy it for the coffee table, but only if you really need a shiny coaster to put your mugs on. Cassidy Phillips
BOY SETS FIRE Tomorrow Comes Today Epic A solid enough album let down by some questionable basslines and lifeless melodies. Highlights include strong opener Eviction Article and Bathory’s Sainthood with its echoes of SOAD’s Spiders. However, the remaining tracks seemingly clone these two with little gusto or passion. The band even replicates the overused nu-metal trick of a mellow hidden bonus track to show their more senstitive side. This album neither inspires nor shocks and its tracks jerk against each other awkwardly amongst random, inane samples. The cock-rock mixture of Kiss with Grant Nicholas on vocals amused me on Full Color Guilt, but surely we should expect something a little less tiresome for a fifth full-length effort. Nicholas Pettifer
IT’S JO AND DANNY But We Have The Music Double Snazzy Following up the lush atmosphere of Lank Haired Girl And Bearded Boy, But We Have The Music finds duo Jo Bartlett and Danny Hagan holed up in the Brecon Beacons and still producing simple yet gorgeous songs infused with acoustic charm. Whether it be the slow pulsing atmosphere of Sound Of Barra, the serene and twinkling Godsend or the smokey jazz club atmosphere of Better
NRA Machine Newest Industry The third release from Cardiff’s very own Newest Industry label, and it’s not bad at all! Dutch veterans NRA rock along nicely with this collection of late 80s, early 90s styled melodic punk, putting the current brand of Blink 182 clones to shame. The sound is reminiscent of a smoother, more polished Hüsker Dü with elements of a poppier 7 Seconds, and NRA’s ability to take these influences and still make them sound fresh and modern does them real credit. A good release which manages to inject some fresh life into an
HOT HOT HEAT Make Up The Breakdown Sub-Pop/B-Unique Like the infinitely cooler cousins of The Strokes, Canadian quartet-Hot Hot Heat, on the ‘cooler than thou’ Sub-Pop label, are the new band on everybody’s lips. With a combination of chugging guitars, Robert Smith-style strained, nasally vocals and boyish good looks, they’re set to take the world by storm. The album itself, Clearlake: Wrapped up snug although hampered by a bit of a boring start, is turned Donnas, as someone once said about around by recent single Bandages, the PJ Harvey, are your first wet nightmare. brilliant Oh, Goddamnit and peculiar Strip off, give it up and enjoy. You know Aveda, which smack all negative you love it, you whore. remarks out of your head, forcing those Bitchy McSlag-Fuck hips to sway and foot to stomp. If recent rave reviews of their live shows are anything to go by, it’s worth giving them a listen to see what all the fuss is about. Gemma Jones
HAR MAR SUPERSTAR You Can Feel Me B-Unique In Har Mar Superstar’s hilarious record inlay, Mr Mar features in a series of poses, one with his dog, one draped in models, another spread eagle in pink pants. It kind of sets up the funky and ironic tone of this album, with Har Mar resembling a less hairy Ron Jeremy and sounding like Beck during his prince obsession. On tracks like Power Lunch and We Could Be Heavy, Har Mar effectively mixes funky beats with stuttering vocals. Elsewhere he comes on like a white rapping gigolo with hip-hop tracks like You Can Feel Me and Let’s Get This Party Started. So Har Mar may think he’s already a superstar in his own lifetime, but this quite good album shows in many ways he isn’t quite one yet. Bill Cummings ★★★
BIFFY CLYRO The Ideal Height Label Despite a couple of good singles in the past, these three songs have done nothing to change the fact that Biffy Clyro are a distinctly average jangly indie rock band (though it seems they’re trying to jump on the fuckin’ ‘emo’ bandwagon now, like rats to a sinking ship) and are seemingly forever relegated to the B-list of British talent. Awesome packaging and artwork though, which earns it an extra point. Luke Grahame
THE DONNAS Spend the Night Atlantic The Donnas are dirty sluts. Not in a bad way, you understand. The Donnas are sluts with a sneer, exuding a kind of terrifying but oh-so-tempting rock chick sexuality that infuses the whole album. Don’t believe me? Check out the cover photo showing them scantily clad in silky pyjamas or lines like “Stop starin’ at my D-cup/ Don’t waste time just give it to me/ C’mon baby just feel me up”. The
DEAD MAN RAY Cago Virgin Dead Man Ray write classically-styled sensitive rock songs, then transform them into clean, warm post-rock with the aid of knob-twiddling superman Steve Albini. At their best, they construct layer upon layer of sweeping guitars only to knock it all down with a quiet, fragile chorus. At times their self-assured musicianship turns into a sneer, but that’s nothing the Stones didn’t do. By turns sarcastic and heartbreaking, the album remains gripping throughout. Mat C
CLEARLAKE Cedars Domino From the early days it has been easy to pigeonhole Clearlake as an archetypal British band. Debut album Lido is, after all, about pursuits that only dwellers of this island would really give a damn about; Jumble sales, bad weather and the monotomy and boredom that living on an island that gives a shit about those things does to you. But yet somehow such branding seems to be selling them short. On Cedars, the four-piece have concentrated their skills, and produced an album that sees Jason Pegg’s acute writing and lyrical flair of turning the mundane into the captivating develop even more. Filing the void left by Pulp in this kitchen-sink drama type affair, Pegg should be recognised for his incredibly intuitive touch. In an era of garage rock, suits, ties and big guitars, Clearlake admittedly could be ignored as the uncool limpwristed indie white boys. Yet there is a depth to this record that is not as slight of frame as their suggested physic, and cannot be as easily shoved aside. The musical arrangements across the album are a delight; celebrating an orchestral and plump feel, with none of the subtlety knocked out along the way. Not a big budget affair, the DIY element to their work should make the final result even more pleasing to appreciative ears. In a time where nationalism is a particularly touchy subject, Cedars should make Clearlake actually very proud to be English. Lucy Thomas ★★★★
It’s the perfect 21st century cheesylistening album, though very definitely at the mature dolcelatte end of the scale. ★★★ Eccentric, eclectic and seductive, Grand Popo Football Club’s debut throws 70s disco, Gallic loungecore and tongue-in-chic electronica into the mix with relish, and pulls it off with considerable aplomb each time. There’s the vocoder singalong anthem One More Song On The Market; the ethereal funk workout of Men Are Not Nice Guys, guest vocalist Aurore Molière coming on like a kitsch Miss Kittin; hell, they even whip out not one but two Sparks covers and still inject them with irony-free fun. Meanwhile, the electro breakdown in Nothing To Say In A House Song which swiftly replaces its throwaway beats is truly glorious. What with both this and the stomping disco of Moloko’s Statues, it seems that a new bar has been set for dance music in 2003. Har Mar Superstar: tastes the salty goodness... Alex Macpherson
otherwise tired genre. Luke Grahame
Time to party hard B
ored of the same old acts playing the same old festivals? Bogged down with Glastonbury? V2003 not cool enough? Fred Durst playing Reading too horrific? Then All Tomorrow’s Parties may be for you. Andy Parsons looks into the alternative festival which has steadily become one of the highlights of the calendar
An alternative festival curated each year by a different band or public figure, ATP has grown into the premier event for intimate performances from some of
the world’s foremost acts. Curated this year by electronic gods Autechre the weekend promises to be an almighty headfuck of guitars, electronics, beats and attitude. Sean Booth and Rob Brown have compiled a superlative line up for the fourth British leg of this now pan-Atlantic festival. Headline sets from hip-hop legends Public Enemy, psychedelic pioneers The Magic Band (Captain Beefheart’s band) and Warp’s maverick genius Richard D James (Aphex Twin) promise to be heart-stopping highlights, but with sets also lined up from The Fall, Jim O’Rourke, LFO, Venetian Snares and Sean and Rob’s own Gescom collective there should be no shortage of excellent music on show. A Butlins holiday camp may not be the most obvious place for a festival, but after three nights of nice warm beds as opposed to a cold, wet tent I can assure you you’ll always want to do festivals this way. This transferral of home comforts generally leads to an entirely unique and superb atmosphere on the site. The bands’ cabins are located amongst those of the festival goers so you’re never quite sure who you’re
going to bump into as you wonder round the site’s facilities, and it’s this communal atmosphere between the public and the performers which gives ATP its special edge. Quite simply there is nothing else like it anywhere else. The intimacy of the venues at Camber Sands is another factor to the festival’s enduring appeal. Many of the bands who perform rarely visit the UK, let alone to play in a room smaller than our own Great Hall. The indoor environment gives the bands much more control over their own sound and performance in comparison to most outdoor events, encouraging many normally reclusive acts (such as Boards Of Canada) to perform. Neither is the festival as pretentious as some people make out. Whilst a goodly proportion of the acts will never have top 10 hits, this year’s line-up in particular focuses on dancefloor filling DJ masters. I can guarantee I will spend far longer dancing like Bowie on onions this weekend than stroking my beard and discussing the philosophy of Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Honest. But don’t just take my word for it. Take a walk on the wild side next year - trust me, you won’t regret it.
Real draft busters
his year’s ATP is curated by the critically acclaimed electronic duo Autechre. Not content with just picking their own festival line-up their eagerly awaited seventh album Draft 7.30 is released the day after ATP. Andy Parsons grabbed his IDM fanboy coat and had a chat with Rob Brown from the band about their festival, being revered by Radiohead and their love of Public Enemy Sean Booth and Rob Brown have been making music under the name Autechre for over ten years now. They’ve never had a top 40 single, never ridden the creative wave of a flash in the pan dance genre and never made a gratuitously controversial promo video to raise their profile with the MTV generation. Yet they’ve been cited as influences on such bands like Radiohead and Mogwai, constantly changed and innovated with each record they’ve released and now been given their own festival to play with. Autechre are one of a rare breed of bands whose music is rewarding in the truest sense. You have to work hard with Autechre; take your time, break their musical codes, find their hidden melodies and trust that Sean and Rob will always bring out the goods at the end. There are no radio edits, no guest vocalists and certainly no adverts for mobile phones with Autechre. Autechre don’t make background music. “We write our music to be played in a darkened room. Loud,” explains Rob from the country retreat he and Sean are staying in to do the promotion for their latest opus, Draft 7.30, already the most talked about album this year in electronic music. “That’s why we enjoy playing live so much, we get to say to people - this is how it’s supposed to be.” However Autechre aren’t actually playing live at their own festival: “There wasn’t time to source together everything for a proper live show,” says Rob. “We’ll definitely be performing as Gescom [Autechre’s shadowy electro based side project with various
friends from the Manchester electronic scene] in the Skam Records room however - we’re looking forward to that. We see taking on ATP, with its excellent track record, as kind of brave for a band like us, but when Barry [Hogan, creator of ATP] approached us to do it, it just kind of made sense. We’d have been daft to turn it down.” The duo have assembled a fearsome line-up for this year’s festival. Personal heroes of the band like Public Enemy and A Guy Called Gerald line up next to label mates Aphex Twin and LFO and friends from Manchester like Team Doyobi and Wevie Stonder. “Public Enemy were a big influence on us when we were growing up.” Rob explains. “It’s kind of weird thinking that they now know who we are and are willing to come and play for us. I don’t know if they’ve actually heard any of our records, but it’s kind of cool to think they might get something from performing here, like we’ve done from many other bands over the years.” The day after ATP, Draft 7.30 is released on Warp Records to an eager army of fans, many of whom have been filling chatrooms on the internet with spurious gossip on its content and quality. Early reports indicated that the album was the band’s “most accessible to date”, surprising and pleasing many fans who had found 2001’s Confield cold and withdrawn even by Autechre’s own icy standards. “I can never tell what people might think before the record’s released as I’ve been so close to it,” Rob says. “But we played Draft 7.30 to a few friends whose opinions we respect and they were really enthusiastic about it, which is always a good sign. Some said it was easy to get into, other people found it harder than Confield so who really knows? I guess you just have to see for yourself. We really busted a move with this album. We didn’t have any new pieces of equipment to learn how to use or play around with so it was much easier to put what we wanted on the tracks, where we wanted. It made the whole recording process a lot more straightforward than previously.” Draft 7.30 (simply named after the 30th mix of the album which became the final one) is up there with Autechre’s finest work. Melodic enough to be instantly engaging but with the complexity and depth that we’ve come to expect and love, Draft 7.30 is the sound of a band continuing to
tweak the boundaries of modern music until they fit their own warped shape. Autechre don’t make background music. Autechre make dance music for your frontal lobes.
AUTECHRE Draft 7.30 Warp No one ever said it was going to be easy listening. If you like your music accessible and straight up, look away now; go and buy the Röyksopp album and be happy. However if you fancy something a little less easy to digest, enter stranger into the world of Autechre. Over the 10 years and seven studio albums of their career Autechre have evolved dance music from cinematic ambience and edgy dreamscapes to the hard edges of a concrete city being bombarded with gamma radiation. More open than its predecessor, Draft 7.30 allows its tracks freedom of movement without the confines of the micro-crystalline beats that characterised Confield, Autechre’s previous full release. Melody is allowed to develop and flow on Tapr and P.:ntil in a way which harks back to the warmer moments on LP5 or Tri Repetae, and it’s within these tracks that Sean and Rob have found the next perfect evolution of their sound. Characteristically impenetrable on first listen or at low volume levels, Draft 7.30 benefits greatly from persistence, a powerful stereo and a darkened room. Once the code is cracked however and the fractal spasms of Reniform Puls start to send giddy shivers down your spine, you may never listen to music in the same way again. A superb return to form and possibly the most dramatically individual and uncompromising album you’ll hear all year. Andy Parsons
Autechre Top Ten 1. Drane [Peel Sessions 1 EP] 2. Eutow [Tri Repetae] 3. Laughing Quarter [Envane EP] 4. Crystel [Artificial Intelligence 1] 5. Yulquen [Amber] 6. Vletrmx21 [Garbage EP] 7. Bike [Incunabula] 8. Reniform Puls [Draft 7.30] 9. Arch Carrier [LP5] 10. Overand [Tri Repetae]
All American hero O
nce frontman in a punk band that supported Kiss, Jesse Malin is a man reinvented. As his last whistlestop tour pulls up in Cardiff, Gemma Curtis discusses that fine art of self renewal with the now solo artist.
lot has been written about Jesse Malin since he first made an impact on the British “scene” in 2002. A lot of truth, a few embelishments and a couple of myths have been mixed up and dragged out along the way. But when his real life sounds a little too cool to be true, then boundaries easily blur. By no means a newcomer to the rock and roll lifestyle, Malin seems to know the right people, and be seen with the right crowd, however unintentional. When releasing his storming, semi-autobiographical debut album The Fine Art Of Self Destruction, as many column inches were taken up divulging on his friendship with Ryan Adams, than reviewing the music itself. Something which he doesn’t speak of, but hints he prefers not to dwell on; “People seem to be getting the sentiments of the record. Most of the journalists seem to be getting the right idea. That is apart from one who thought I sounded like Ryan Adams...” He says with a degree of tongue-in cheek cheer. He similarly reacts when discussing any attempts to classify his music. He grimaces; “I don’t like to be called a singersongwriter, because that reminds me of pipe and slippers, moustache’s and a man on a stool in a flannel shirt.” He continues stubbornly , “And my music’s not Americano or Alt.country ‘cause I’m from New York. I grew up on Lou Reed and The Clash and the Ramones. I got into country music through the Rolling Stones. I’m not from Nashville.” Then the rant subsides. As quickly as it flared up, the brief moment of annoyance has passed, and now Malin is back to offering booze, complimenting those assembled around him and making everyone in that room feel that bit more special when he chooses to talk
to you. It is an odd power that he holds over those he meets. Though his charisma and humour are undeniable and endearing , he is the storyteller and the joker one minute, the serious organiser the next. He goes some way to explaining his behaviour swings; “Becoming a solo artist from being in a band scared me a bit. Sometimes you gotta be the boss and I can get angry. But it’s alright after the first two days, I relax and let the alcohol kick in. Sometimes I feel like the big dad, and sometimes the angry dad as well.” From his personner, his serious vocal warm ups before every gig, his making sure he is available and welcoming to any fan, (however over-zealous) and his general dedication and attention to detail, it is obvious that Malin is not just doing it this for the kicks. In fact, such popstar charades was one of the very reasons he left previous band D Generation. That and the music of course; “I was the main songwriter in the band. But people were more into the excitement, the hairstyles, the shoes, the screaming, the hitting yourself with the microphone, the rolling on the floor, and the moshpit, and not so much listening to the songs. And the critics in America would compare us to the worse bands you ever heard in your life, like Poison and Motley Crue. And we were listening to The Stooges, The Dolls and The Clash. We had a cult following, and a good time, and I love the guys, but there was nothing really to keep me doing it.”
"I don't plan to do much more acting. To use a Woody Allen quote, you can't ride two horses with one behind.” Malin on his future projects On his debut album, Malin appears to explore the more complex side of songwriting, that he craves; “I’m really into slice of life characters, and a lot of the record is autobiographical. I like people who kinda paint the picture you can taste, like Martin Scorcese’s movies or Woody Allen. Like Bob Dylan and Shane McGowan’s lyrics. People who can create a mood and a vibe. And sometimes in music that can get lost in
loud, crazy guitars, but to me it’s more about the songs.” Self Destruction is sympathetic to his desires, straightforward, delicately produced tracks, that dwell on the subtlety of song writing. Recorded largely in only one take, and the whole thing recorded in five days, the fluidity is attractive. Malin agrees; “At the time I thought it was rubbish. In the studio Ryan was saying it was great and I was saying no it’s not. So we were fighting a lot. But after a couple of days, when you have a little time to reflect, I realised he has captured that snapshot, and an urgency that makes it a little special.” Malin himself seems a little extraordinary, and more than a little lucky. Working with those he admires seems to just happen to him. Previously he landed himself a part in a Scorcese film; "It was just a fluke. I am such a fan of his early work, you know, Mean Streets, Taxi Driver. I was in Bringing Out The Dead as a club doorman, and I had one line.” He looks incredibly chuffed when adding; “But the best thing about it was being on set with Scorcese for two days and asking him questions. And you know, he knows loads about music. That guy is as old as my dad, but he knows so much...” And though he has obviously been asked a million times before, he remains affable in his next reply; "I don't plan to do much more acting. To use a Woody Allen quote, you can't ride two horses with one behind. And it is music that I want to concentrate on at the moment." Tequila slamming, hard-drinking Malin is the most appeasing of characters. Most comfortable when telling anecdotes, he rambles and constantly entertains. After the gig Malin thanks me profusely for doing the interview. He has had a bit to drink but is extremely genuine. And that is what is most likable about him and his music; interesting and no-nonsense. But not quite as straightforward as it first may seem.
e-releases galore this issue, as music desk is bombarded with these gems of yesteryear, which have all reared their beautiful heads to shine once more...
Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon’s baby was always going to be a problem child. Sonic Youth were - still are - one of those bands about whom many rave, but whom less have actually heard, and the reasons for both are immediately apparent on this welcome re-release of their seminal 1992 LP Dirty. Spiky, difficult and wilfully destructive, it’s both fiercely cerebral and defiantly punkish. The title’s not misleading, either: the guitars sound as if they’re being dragged through mud, almost burying the fascinatingly complex melodies beneath their crunching, dank cover. Almost, but not quite: SY know the value of a good punchline, and killer tunes like Sugar Kane, On The Strip and the unutterably brilliant Drunken
DAVID BOWIE Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars OST EMI In order to celebrate the picture’s 30th Anniversary a special edition 2 cd box set has been created showing the Thin White Duke at the outstanding peak of his career. Classics like All The Young Dudes, Oh!You Pretty Things, Changes and Space Oddity have all been remastered and given a new lease of life. As awesome as ever, Bowie with his inspirational generation transcending brand of space-pop is guaranteed to impress newcomers to his grace and sound as well as bring back fond memories to his older audience. Great stuff. Sebastian Swift
THE MELVINS 26 Songs Ipecac To your mother, your father, your aunties and your neighbours, the Melvins are the worst band on earth. They peddle no-fi punk-metal sludge that at best sounds like an unnameable beast crawling out of a swamp, and at worst sounds like Black Sabbath being buried alive. But you, of course, love them for all the same reasons. This CD revives 1986’s 10 Songs LP. They sounded monstrous back then, but there’s much worse to come. Mat C
early days of Brit-pop. The Complete Works collects all of the bands single releases, b-sides and compilation appearances from this period. Most of these tracks are impossible to find anywhere else and all of them are fantastic. Whether a die hard dan or a casual listener this album should be an essential purchase. Andy Parsons
SPIRITUALIZED The Complete Works Vol. 1 Dedicated/BMG Before he was floating in space, Jason Pierce’s and his band of merry musical experimentalist recorded two stunning albums of sonic experimentation and melodic genius. Lazer Guided Melodies and Pure Phase may not receive the critical respect they deserve, but they serve as the perfect prescription for those looking for an alternative to the
Bowie: Obviously on too many onions...
SONIC YOUTH Dirty Geffen/Universal
Butterfly pack a hefty punch. Then, of course, they close the album in style with the eight-minute squall of white noise that is Tamra. You’ll hear the seeds of everyone from ...Trail Of Dead to the White Stripes in here; with goodies such as B-sides and rehearsal recordings included, there’s no excuse for not rushing out to acquire it immediately. Alex Macpherson
Back from the dead...
ook s feature
Simultaneously on Celluloid T
he humble book has always been a favourite for big screen adaptation; after all, pretty much everything a producer/ director/ scriptwriter/ casting director could either need or want is right there in front of them, and all it needs is condensing to a manageable length and depth and a couple of reasonably well known actors to star in it. However, book optioning appears to be a fairly indiscriminate business, if not a free for all, and it’s amazing the number of great books that don’t translate into great films. Why is that? Are they just in the wrong hands, subject to the whim of a director with a completely different
vision of the story to everyone else? It’s possible. Peter Jackson’s Lord Of The Rings trilogy has so far been widely praised, an example of everything that an adaptation ought to be. At the other end of the spectrum of creativity, are they subject to a director with too little vision of their own and too much of everyone else’s? Chris Colombus’ two Harry Potter outings were ultimately disappointing, perhaps due to the fact that the scripts stuck so closely to the books that any deviations were immediately obvious and the cast appeared to be just going through the motions, confident that the weight of the franchise would carry them through. Certainly, a great
deal is lost in translation. The Cider House Rules was immeasurably improved by the gratuitous trimming it underwent during its transformation from page to screen, which is surprising, considering that the author, John Irving, was responsible for the script, eventually winning an Oscar for it. With the vast majority of the films now showing or shortly to be released being based on books, indeed, Adaptation going so far as to be the story of an adaptation of a book within the adaptation of a book, Books brings you a short overview of the main players, that have been hitting the big screen recently.
GANGS OF NEW YORK
THE BOOK: Written by Herbert Asbury, Gangs Of New York charts the territorial struggles of the gangs of old New York that ultimately gave rise to the modern-day Mafia, but is from more of a historical, non-fiction point of view.
THE BOOK: Written by Michael Cunningham, The Hours presents three stories entertwined, each linked to Virginia Woolf’s novel, Mrs Dalloway. One, the writer herself, struggling to finish that very novel, another, a 1940’s housewife contemplating suicide as an escape from her claustrophobic life, and thirdly a 1990’s member of the New York literatii, known as Mrs Dalloway to her friends, planning a party for a friend and former lover dying of AIDS.
THE FILM: Directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Daniel Day Lewis, the proud owner of a Bafta and Screen Actor’s Guild Award who, despite being hotly tipped for the Best Actor Oscar for his performance as Bill the Butcher, his first appearance on the big screen in five years, lost out to a relative newcomer, and co-starring former teenage heart-throb Leonardo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz. Gangs Of New York received mixed reviews, being praised and panned in equal measure. The fight scenes are bloody and very nasty, but whether you prefer the novel may well will depend on if your imagination can do better than the director.
THE FILM: Directed by Stephen ‘Billy Elliot’ Daldry and starring Nicole Kidman, recipient of a Bafta, a Golden Globe and the ultimate accolade, the Best Actress Oscar, despite the fact that her two co-stars, Julianne Moore, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, and Meryl Streep get more screentime than she does. The Hours has been widely praised and has so far escaped being pigeonholed, although watching it is not exactly an uplifting experience.
PERSONAL VELOCITY THE PIANIST THE BOOK: Written by Wladyslaw Szpilman, The Pianist is a memoir of a young Jewish pianist trapped in Nazi-controlled Warsaw, and how he survived the experience. THE FILM: Directed by everybody’s favourite statutory rapist Roman Polanski, who incidently, is still wanted in the USA for that very crime, and starring the Best Actor oscar winner Adrian Brody and Britain’s own Emilia Fox. The Pianist won the Best Film Bafta, as well as the Best Director oscar for Polanski, and has been enthusiastically praised, despite its grim subject matter. Since Polanski himself experienced life in an area controlled by the Nazi’s, the film contains some of his own personal experiences, as well as Szpilman’s.
THE RULES OF ATTRACTION THE BOOK: Published in 1987, this was Bret Easton Ellis’ second novel, which firmly cemented him into the literary Gen -X ‘Bratpack’. Always with a fair share of controversy, The Rules Of Attraction is written with his trademark dark humour and pretensions. Doing what he does best, Ellis exposes the moral vacuum of the characters lives in a mix of graphic details, but a degree of notable compassion. His novel has been dubbed as an amazing portrayal of the “death of romance.” THE FILM: Forthcoming release, the film stars James Van Der Beek and Shannyn Sossamon(best known for her appearance in A Knight’s Tale.) Quite a change for Der Beek (Dawson from the Creek), this adaptation is altered somewhat, yet also maintains true to the bleak attitude towards American college life that Ellis explores so well. A good use of young acting talent, the performances have already been said by critics to be ‘stunning.’ Expect the usual Mary Whitehouse and Daily Mail types to hate this film, but others to revel in its rebellious nastiness.
THE BOOK: Written by Arthur Miller’s daughter and Daniel Day Lewis’ wife, the film-maker Rebecca Miller, Personal Velocity presents seven women, all at crucial points in their lives, and portrays them through a series of short stories. THE FILM: Starring The Craft’s Fairuza Baulk, Kyra Sedgewick and Parker Posey, as three women all at crucial points in their lives. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s good to know that nepotism thrives in Hollywood, what with the book being optioned and made into a film virtually on the day of publication. The book has met with warm reception and early reviews of the film are promising, but since it hasn’t been released yet, who knows?
SOLARIS THE BOOK: Written by science fiction author Stanislaw Lem, Solaris tells the story of Kris Kelvin, who travels to the planet Solaris, where he is haunted by memories of a past lover. THE FILM: Remade and directed by Steven Soderbergh and starring George Clooney and Natasha McElhone, shortly to be seen in a small screen adaptation of Phillipa Gregory’s The Other Boleyn Girl, Solaris bombed in the USA., rather proving that even the promise of Hollywood’s two golden boys won’t necessarily ensure bums on seats. That could be as much due to the unsuccessful marketing campaign which promoted it as an action adventure, rather than the rather cerebral pseudo-love story that it actually is.
Got an idea for a books feature, or read a classic that you can’t stop thinking about? Why not come to the GRiP meetings on Wednesdays at 4.30 in the Council Room on the fourth floor of the Union, or email us at email@example.com and let us know. Come on now. Get in touch!
“It’s good but it’s not the one” This week, TV Desk has been brought to you by the sounds of Riath imitating a constipated cow, the sight of Tristan in a wet t-shirt (TV Amy has just come in her pants) and the smell of stale, congealing pizza. Bet you’re glad you’re not us. Then again, if you were us then at least you’d know about Billie on Billie (BBC2, Monday 31 March, 11.20pm); not, thankfully, anything to do with Billie Piper and self-love, but a profile of jazz legend Billie Holiday. There’s simply no debate about it: with a voice that could break hearts with the merest breath and a tormented life of personal misery, she was one of the greatest, and most fascinating, musical and cultural figures of the 20th century. This is Billie in her own words - and, stoic to the last, it was always what she didn’t say which spoke volumes. From a high-brow legend to a low-brow one, then.
Catchphrase (ITV1, Tuesday 1 April, 5pm), appears to be back. Hurrah! Unfortunately, that twinklyeyed old Irish love Roy Walker has jumped ship (err... he did that yeaaars ago - Up-to-date Daytime TV Desk) so no longer will our days be cheered by the sounds of “It’s good but it’s not the one” said in a slightly weary and disgusted way. Still, take comfort in the fact that comedy ginger failure mark Curry has taken over hosting duties so you can always watch and laugh as he vainly struggles to right the over-turned apple cart of his career by flirting embarrassingly with the vaguely attractive female contestants. Double Thursday whammy coming up: this is the night to stay in, kids. First up, the welcome return of Room 101 (BBC2, Thursday 3 April, 11.20pm). It’s reruns, true tonight, the Ricky Gervais episode - but reruns are
better than nothing. So, what would the office put in their Room 101? “TV Desk. They slagged us off last week” - the sports monkeys. “The Sun” - a fuming News Desk. “Sports Desk. Duh” TV Amy plays tit-for-tat. “Oh God. Everything. The world. Lisa Riley” - Our Leader is not happy. “Robbie cunting Williams” - Music Andy. “Xpress Radio” - Mr T, backed up by every sane person in, like, the world.
Week 1 (Said after cross balcony fighting- children, childrenEd.) (Oh, you know you’re so very wrong, Mr T. Xpress is only pleasantly shambolic at this late hour. And anyway, we’ve just won a lovely selection of beach paraphernalia off them, so you can’t slag ‘em off. - wise TV Amy). Ahem. Anyway, on to more edifying matters, namely Whistle Test Years
(BBC2, Thursday 3 April, 11.50pm). A selection of musical archives from the glorious 70s, this week sees the appearance of godlike legend Tom Waits. Raspy of voice and sharp of eye, his career is an exercise in well, it’s an exercise in nothing. It’s the sound of one man taking a gloriously idiosyncratic trip through his own imagination, a singularly strange place peopled with faithless losers, dilettantes, irreparably broken hearts and starcrossed lovers. Watch and marvel, then go out and buy Rain Dogs and Blue Valentines immediately. Oh, and get the newYeah Yeah Yeahs single while you’re at it, ‘cos it’s fucking amazing. A burning question next: why do we tend to kill those who try to help us? Think about it, Ghandi, JFK, Lennon, Jill Dando... the list goes on. Try to give the human species a hand and BOOYA! a bullet in the head. Our pick this week is
on the tragic figure of Martin Luther King in Secrets of Leadership (BBC2, Friday 4 April, 9.30pm). I read somewhere that J. Edgar Hoover had a very personal hatred for King and allocated FBI agents to try and trawl up dirt from his past. This seems only to add weight to the various conspiracy theories surrounding his death. On a cheery note, we shaved off TV Alex’s eyebrow!
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. It simply whoops everything else on television right now. Great acting, tension, comedy and superb direction. What more could you ask for? A stellar episode of The West Wing (S4C, Tuesday 8 April, 10.45pm) this week, that’s what. We’ve gone and and on about it so much by now that really, you should all have turned into die-hard fans already. Just in case there are still a few stragglers, though, here’s the spiel again. It’s one of the most compelling, intelligent and vital
Week 2 their girlfriends to grow into ten tonne heifers. Woo hoo! Apparently, there’s a group of men who lust after the larger lady so much they actually feed them up to extortionate proportions in order to get their blubbery kicks. Ew. Bemusement abounds - are the men lard-arses as well? How can they find their lady’s ladyparts under all that wobbling flesh? Why would they
Neighbours and whichever tack-fest detective show the BBC have decided to delight us with. Much like the early days of Casualty before it got utterly shite, Doctors offers the opportunity to play the “Guess the Disease Game”. This week, expect an old man to be diagnosed with elephantitis and a small girl to be given mere days to live after contracting a rare, brain-eating disease. Probably. Keep a lusty eye out for Dr Marc Eliot, as stern and sexy a general practitioner as you’re ever likely to see at 2 o’ clock in the afternoon. Yummy.
CJ: “Pull my finger”
62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF
After a slow start (Arab terrorists, doomed weddings etc.) 24 (BBC2, Sunday 6 April, 10pm) has certainly picked up the pace. Jack’s gone a bit nasty and is kicking some terrorist ass while the stunning Kim continues to run around in tight tops. Totally unbelievable, slightly dodgy ideologically but cracking entertainment all the same. In this weeks episode Nina and Jack continue their uneasy stand-off as they travel to meet the suspected terrorist, Faheen. Speaking of nasty people, The Sopranos (S4C, Monday 7 April, 10.35pm) continues to go from strength to strength. HBO really is destroying the myth of poor American exports with programs like this and Oz
want to? You’ll just have to watch to find out. If there’s ever a reason why you needed Sky, this week’s terrestrial TV is it. S4C, in their infinite Welsh wisdom, have decided to move the new series of Friends (S4C, Thursday 10 April, 6.30pm), no televisual masterpiece I grant you, to the bizarre time of Thursday 6.30pm. Why? I suppose it’s indicative of the depth the series has sunk to even a rubbish minority language channel has better things to schedule in prime time than this. So why am I recommending this? Umm... Joey’s still quite pretty, and Jennifer Aniston is goodlooking enough for deputy ed Tristan to beat one off over on a regular basis. Which is recommendation enough, to be honest. As if Catchphrase (see Week One) wasn’t enough to brighten up your lazy, educationally-bereft days, there’s also the new series of Doctors (BBC2, Monday - Friday, 2.05pm) to plug the gap between
programmes around, and tonight’s serving is one of its best, with divine press officer CJ forced to go along, against her conscience, with her President’s line on trading with a repressive Islamic regime. A marvellous study in the conflict of conscience and duty in politics. Now, here’s a novel concept. Fat Girls and Feeders (S4C, Wednesday 9 April, 11.30pm) documents boyfriends who actually want
Monday 31 March BBC1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Connor has trouble controlling his workmates at the building site. Much like the problems we have controlling Riath “I’m a small hyperactive twat” AlSamarrai everything Thursday. Someone get the tranquilliser gun! 6.00 BBC News News. 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 Real Story 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 MacIntyre Investigates: Abandoned Babies 11.25 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 11.55 This Is Dom Joly 12.25 BBC Liquid News 1.00 FILM: The Fury 2.50 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 BBC Learning Zone 6.30 How We Study Children 7.00 CBBC: Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.15 50/50 7.40 Animorphs 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Blue Peter 8.35 XperiMENTAL 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 The Story of Tracy Beaker 11.15 Watch 11.35 Watch 11.50 See You, See Me, See Castles 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Aiming for Excellence 1.30 World Figure Skating Championships 2.00 FILM: Silver Lode 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Double Take 10.00 Shooting Stars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Billie on Billie Billie Holiday, not Billie Piper unfortunately. Boo! 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Planman 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 First past the Post 11.30 FILM: Dead Poets Society “Amazing! Well, it was when I saw it aged 13. I had my first wank over the sight of Robert Sean Leonard in school uniform. Mmm... boys in school uniform...” - TV Alex 1.50 Champions League Weekly 2.15 Football League Extra 2.55 Wish You Were Here...? 3.20 Today with Des and Mel 4.05 Antiques Trail 4.35 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote Nooo! Where’s Diagnosis Murder gone? 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 A Life of Grime 9.30 Traffic Cops 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 10.40 Hollywood Greats 11.20 FILM: Posse 12.50 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University 6.30 Rodin 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.10 Pathways of Belief: Sikhism 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 World Figure Skating Championships 2.00 Cagney and Lacey 2.45 am.pm 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Afoot Again in the Past 4.40 Ready Steady Cook 5.10 Weakest Link: April Fool Show 5.55 Party Election Broadcast 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek 7.30 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 8.00 Days That Shook the World 8.50 What the Victorians Did for Us: Science The Victorians invented the first vibrators, marketing them as stress relievers. FACT! 9.00 Britain's Lost Roman Wonder 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Secret Lives of the Artists 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
The Weakest Link: April Fool Show BBC2 5.10pm
The New Adventures of Superman BBC2 6.45pm
6.00 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Son of Paleface 11.50 Postmodern Pastimes 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy Quotes of the week, part one: “I look back on the Russian prostitute thing and laugh - it was a good experience” - Music Andy reveals his more sordid side. 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol Porthgain 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 The Sopranos 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.20 Faking It USA 1.20 DNA 2.20 The Last Peasants Documentary about Cheryl Tweedy and her motley band of pram-faced reprobates.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Contraband Spain 3.50 FILM: Her Hidden Truth 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Spider Attack 9.00 FILM: On Deadly Ground 11.00 Premature Burial 12.05 outTHERE 12.40 US PGA Golf: The Players Championship 1.30 NASCAR Busch Motor Racing 2.15 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.40 V8 Supercars 4.30 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Ajax Ouotes of the week, part two: “I don’t fancy Gordon Brown” - TV Alex, appropos of absolutely nothing. Thanks for that.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Foxbusters 4.00 The Worst Witch 4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase Woooo! The genius returns! Sadly, with Mr Chips forcibly retired and ginge git Mark Curry (greatest career highlight: being made into a life-size Lego model 15 years ago) asking the questions, it just won’t be the same. 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 TV Nightmares: You've Been Fooled 8.00 Holidays from Hell 9.00 Russian Roulette: Celebrity Special 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Survival Special 11.30 The Club 12.35 FILM: Big Business 2.10 Trisha 3.05 World Sport 3.30 Football League Extra 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Bell, Book and Candle 11.55 Losing the Plots 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Sioe Fideo 7.00 Wedi 7 7.25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Lafur Gymreig 7.30 Newyddion Quotes of the week, part three: “Macy Gray - like Lurch on a ragga tip” - DC talks music 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Winston's War 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The West Wing 11.45 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Labour Party 11.50 V Graham Norton 12.30 NYPD Blue 1.25 FILM: School Daze 3.25 Edward and Mary: The Unknown Tudors Huuuge spaces to fill here, and it’s even more impossible than most weeks as I’ve been preoccupied with being knobbed witless by a certain GR section ed and haven’t actually participated in the world out...
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Murder at the Gallop 3.55 FILM: A Child Is Missing 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear Special: Men v Women 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Crime and Punishment: People v Redondo 11.50 Dumber and Dumber 12.20 Kick Boxing: Now Is the Time 1.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.00 NHL Ice Hockey: Ottawa Senators v Boston Bruins ...side my bedroom for the past two weeks. Har har! Back of the net! This pointless sexual bragging has been brought to you by the letters F U and C K.
Tuesday 1 April
Wednesday 2 April BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 X-periMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Toadie and Darcy dive into danger. Fnarr! Ugh, though, when you think about it. 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Diet Trials 7.30 Match of the Day Live: England v Turkey Go Turkey! “Those Turks didn’t let our troops on their soil, we’ll have to beat them on the fucking football field” - Sports Desk doesn’t agree. 10.00 News 10.35 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru the Party of Wales 10.40 Belonging Drama series set in the Welsh Valleys. Why watch this when it’s all just up the road? Quite literally on Friday nights. 11.10 Ellen MacArthur: In the Eye of the Storm 12.00 FILM: Nightwatch 1.35 Match of the Day: England v Turkey 3.15 Sign Zone: Twins: The Identity Test 4.45 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: The Challenge 6.30 The Vernacular Tradition 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 1.00 Taxi 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Racing from Ascot 4.00 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 5.55 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru - the Party of Wales 6.00 The Simpsons Lisa is invited to join Mensa, and Homer receives a free erotic photo session. With the guest voice of Stephen Hawking. Awesome scenes, as TV Desk used to say back in the day. 6.20 TOTP 2 With the Happy Mondays, Big Audio Dynamite, and new material from Grand Drive. Respectively: Manc tossers, who? and pretty good schmindie. 6.45 Euro 2004 Football Live: Serbia and Montenegro v Wales Hmm, ‘go Serbia and Montenegro’ isn’t very catchy, is it? What do Serbians and Montenegrans do for their chants? Go Serbia and Montenegro anyway! 9.30 dinnerladies 10.00 Dead Ringers 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Running Scared 12.20 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Defining Moments 1.00 News and the Democratic Agenda? 1.30 The North Sea 2.00 Secondary Schools
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 3.55 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill Mickey Webb becomes convinced that Superintendent Okaro is a paedophile. Just like News Desk, last seen gazing adoringly at a photo of TATU behind bars. Brings a whole new meaning to the word ‘jailbait’. 9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 FILM: Fierce Creatures 12.45 Redcoats 1.10 Reborn in the USA 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.55 Trisha 3.50 Entertainment Now! 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News “I’m getting emotional now” - Mr T on winning next year’s editorship. Bless.
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBBC 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Walking with Cavemen: Blood Brothers Two very different ape species, Specialschoolia arabius and Homo tristanus, compete for survival in the GR office... 8.30 Changing Rooms Laurence Llewelyn Bowen gets carried away with naked ladies in an operatic extravaganza. Aaaargh, that is the most horrific listing ever. “I’ve just come in my pants!” - TV Amy, making it all that much worse. 9.00 Murder in Mind 10.00 News 10.35 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 10.40 Question Time 11.40 Dragon's Eye 12.10 This Week 1.00 FILM: Sound of Fear 2.30 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Sydney - Living with Difference 6.30 Just Seventeen: The Geometry of Patterns 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 Looking Good Tricks 1.45 Racing from Aintree 4.45 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 5.55 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 History Hunters 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food 8.30 Journeys to the Bottom of the Sea 9.00 Horizon 9.50 Trouble at the Top 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Room 101 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 The Learning Zone: Open Science: The Parkinson's Puzzle 12.55 The Next Big Thing 1.30 A Formidable Foe 2.00 Breathing Deeply 2.30 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 3.00 A Life of Time 3.30 Curriculum Development: The Contenders 6: Bovis 4.00 Languages 5.00 Skillswise: Good Practice
Gabrielle in Profile ITV1 2.15am
News and the Democratic Agenda? BBC2 1am
6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: The Iron Petticoat 11.45 Postmodern Pastimes 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Last Missions of WWII 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Y Clwb Rhyngwladol: Serbia a Montenegro v Cymru 9.15 Pobol y Cwm 9.40 Darllediad Etholiadol: Plaid Cymru 9.45 Newyddion 10.00 Brookside Gah! I thought this had been killed off. Why is it still here? Is the S4C time-warp stronger than previously thought? 11.30 Party Election Broadcast by Plaid Cymru the Party of Wales 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.15 This Model Life Ooh, this is reasonably entertaining. Features the Creepiest Man Ever and the Thickest Girl Ever. 1.15 Monkey 2.10 Tour of Langkawi 2003 2.40 FILM: They Can't Hang Me
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Tenafly 3.40 FILM: Columbo: Troubled Waters 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 The Child Who's Older than Her Mother 8.30 The Woman Who Dives the Deepest It’s about deep-sea exploration, Amy, you filthy girl. What were you expecting? 9.00 The Tutankhamun Conspiracy 10.00 FILM: Above the Law 12.00 La Femme Nikita 12.55 European Seniors Golf: Digicel Jamaican Seniors 1.45 NHL Ice Hockey: Tampa Bay Lightning v Montreal Canadiens 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 News 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Digimon 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird Riath at 2am. Has to be seen to be believed. 5.00 Crossroads Dave has doubts about playing happy families with Tracey and Scott. Fnarr! 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party 6.30 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Who's Looking After Your Child? Jonathan King, Gary Glitter and Sports Desk. Hurry home quickly. 10.00 News at Ten 10.30 For Better, for Worse 11.30 Sharp End Debate 12.30 Night and Day 1.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.50 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 Gabrielle in Profile Possibly a better view than her munting face. She used to have some good songs, didn’t she? Dreams and Give Me A Little More Time were ace. Very boring indeed now, though. 2.40 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Dentist on the Job 11.40 Home Movies 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 The City Gardener 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 My Eden 6.10 Friends 6.55 Wedi 7 7.25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Ddemocratiaid Rhyddfrydol 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad Although Gladys is on the mend, she refuses to go to the karaoke night, but Jac is insistent. Oh my days, there’s actually someone called fucking GLADYS in this programme! 9.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Tra Pery'r Llais 10.00 Winston's War 11.05 Bang! Bang! Bangkok! Were all places in Thailand named by an ancient incarnation of TV Desk or summat? Bangkok, Phuket... the list goes on. And there’s a Thai tennis player called Wilawan Choptang, which just sounds rude. 11.35 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 11.40 Frasier 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.45 Entirely Kylie Plastic pertness fest. I’m sorry, when was your last good song again? 2.15 Family Secrets
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Family Flight 3.50 FILM: Posse from Hell Sports Desk. Though, to be accurate, that should be ‘pussies from hell’. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq One of those prisoners of war is quite fit, really. Called Edgar, unfortunately, but that’s but a minor obstacle. Does that count as supporting our troops in battle? 8.00 FILM: Asteroid 10.35 FILM: Lethal Tender 12.20 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.05 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Heerenveen 2.45 Argentinian Football 4.25 Argentinian Football Highlights 5.15 Snowboarding: Park City Jib Jam Much debate about Chris Martin tonight. Actually, no debate at all - everyone in the office just fancies the fuck out of him. “Even I’d fancy him, if I was that way inclined” - TV Steve.
Thursday 3 April
Friday 4 April BBC1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.05 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Spencer needs some advice from Alfie. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you go to Shane Ritchie for help. Except maybe if you want advice on quiffs. 8.30 My Family 9.00 Lenny Henry in Pieces Lenny “chubby chaser” Henry unveils his new characters including Lucius T Kool III, the first blaxploitation Pope. Oh dear. 9.30 The Jasper Carrott Trial 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Party Election 10.40 Friday Night 11.30 My Worst Week 12.10 Boxing: ABA Finals 1.15 FILM: The Young and the Reckless 2.30 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 The Chemistry of Power 6.30 The Chemistry of Life and Death 7.00 CBBC: Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.15 Dennis the Menace 7.40 Animorphs 8.05 Newsround 8.10 Taz-Mania 8.30 Captain Abercromby 8.45 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Speak for Yourself 10.40 Speak for Yourself 11.00 Look and Read 11.20 Look and Read 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 Looking Good Tricks 1.45 Racing from Aintree 4.45 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 5.55 Party Election Broadcast 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Simpsons 6.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff v Neath 9.00 The Flying Gardener 9.30 Secrets of Leadership: Martin Luther King 10.20 The Flying Gardener 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Whistle Test Years Performances from 1978, with Talking Heads, Dire Straits, Cheap Trick, Chris Rea and others. Cardigan rock. 12.15 FILM: Champion 1.50 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 3.00 KS2 Parents and Children Science
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Buried Treasures 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 HTV News 6.25 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Liberal Democrats 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald The intellectual equivalent of watching Sports Desk’s Riath scratching his intimate regions. 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.05 Savage Planet: Dangerous Waters 11.35 Witches' Brew 12.05 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix Qualifying 1.20 Dial-a-Date 1.45 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 Entertainment Now! 2.45 Veronica's Closet 3.25 Today with Des and Mel 4.15 World Football 4.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 CBBC: Rotten Ralph 6.10 Albert the 5th Musketeer 6.35 Chucklewood Critters 7.00 Arthur 7.25 Taz-Mania 7.45 Tom and Jerry Kids 8.05 Looney Tunes 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grand National Grandstand 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.10 BBC News 5.25 Wales Today 5.30 FILM: Godzilla 7.35 The National Lottery Wright Ticket Good footballer, shit presenter. Still, he was responsible for the funniest moment of the World Cup when he said he “creamed himself” during England v Argentina. Lawrenson copped a glob in his ear. And loved it. 8.10 Casualty 9.00 The Murder Game 10.00 BBC News 10.20 Parkinson 11.20 Grand National Highlights 11.45 FILM: Village of the Damned 1.15 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 2.05 A Question of Sport 2.40 Top of the Pops 3.10 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Animal Park 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 Wildlife on Two 1.25 Thunderbirds 2.15 Talking Movies 2.40 Full Circle with Michael Palin 3.30 Watching the Detectives: Monk 4.15 Rugby Union: Gloucester v Northampton 6.30 The Great War: Our Hats We Doff to General Joffre 7.10 Designing the Decades 8.10 The Big Read Jerry Hall and other celebrities reveal their favourite books. Jerry’s is Groupie. Horse-faced bitch. 9.00 The Big Read 10.20 FILM: The Cider House Rules “It’ll make you cry. If you’re sentimental.” - Music Andy. “Charlize Theron gets naked in it” - Sports Desk know where it’s at. 12.15 24 1.00 24 1.40 24 2.20 24 3.00 Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision: Physical Education Have you seen The Sun recently? If you haven’t you’ve missed a well balanced and objective review of the events in the Gulf with such great.....
Reborn in the USA ITV1 9pm
Tonight with Trevor McDonald ITV1 8pm
6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Crooks in Cloisters 11.45 In Your Face 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Wreck Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Darn o Dir 7.00 Popcorn 7.25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Geidwadol Cymru 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Igamogi 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.30 ER 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Derren Brown: Mind Control 11.40 Party Election Broadcast by the Welsh Conservative Party A Party 11.45 Boys and Girls 12.20 Eurotrash 12.50 St Tropez Summer 1.20 Tour of Langkawi 1.50 Brazilian Championship Football
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Uncovered: UK 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Comanche Territory 3.40 FILM: Imminent Danger 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: Shark Attack Casper Van Dien discovers that an evil scientist is conducting experiments with sharks to make them more aggressive. Those bloody scientists, what have they ever done for us hey? 10.55 FILM: Dead of Night 12.55 FILM: Nightmare 2.30 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.10 Monsters 3.35 The Love Boat
6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Behind the Scenes on Johnny English: Classified Information 1.00 ITV News; Weather 1.05 HTV News and Weather 1.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 2.15 On the Ball 2.55 Nash Bridges 3.50 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News 5.20 ITV News 5.35 New You've Been Framed! 6.00 More Kids from Alright on the Night 7.00 Stars in Their Eyes 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Reborn in the USA Tony Hadley! Always believe in your soul, Tony. Remember, you’re indestructible... 10.15 ITV Weekend News 10.30 The Premiership Aston Villa's v Arsenal and Liverpool v Manchester United. 11.55 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix 1.10 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 1.40 The Club 2.40 Dial-a-Date 3.10 CD:UK 4.00 Ghost Stories 4.25 Entertainment Now! 4.50 Cybernet 5.15 ITV Nightscreen headlines as “Saddam Executes Our Boys”. Join me in sending suggestions for future headlines like “First The Arabs Then The Blacks”. Join the fun, and if we see any of our ideas used we can sue the bastards...
6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 British Rally Championships: Preview 7.30 Trans World Sport 8.30 World Rally Shakedown: New Zealand 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Vee-TV 10.30 Dirty Laundry 10.55 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.50 Skiing on 4: Snowboarding and Freestyle World Cup 12.55 Friends 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces from Lingfield Park and Hereford 2.55 My Eden 3.05 FILM: The African Queen 5.00 Newyddion News. 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi 7.15 Newyddion 7.30 Tipyn O Stad 8.00 Nia Joining 9.00 V Graham Norton 10.00 FILM: Sexy Beast S’posed to be ace. Haven’t seen it though, soz. Jonathan Glazer who directed the Guinness ad with the surfers as well as Radiohead’s Street Spirit video is the man in the chair. I’ll be watching this... 11.40 Boys and Girls Is this any good? “Awful” - TV “one eyebrow” Alex. 12.40 The Salon 1.10 FILM: Water 2.50 Lost 4.20 KOTV firstname.lastname@example.org is the address you’ll be needing. On a lighter note if you see TV Alex point and laugh at his missing ‘brow. That’s what you get for passing out at 9.30pm. Pussy.
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 Wideworld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh 2.20 Daria 2.45 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 FILM: Columbo: Agenda for Murder 7.10 Charmed Prue goes undercover to find who hired an assassin to kill the witches. Rumour abounds the GR office TV Amy is a witch. Oh, and Sport’s Riath rides a magic carpet back and forth to his homeland to sabotage the Yanks. One of these may well be true... 8.00 Dark Angel 8.50 five news 9.00 CSI: Miami 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: Pink Cadillac 1.10 FILM: The Hunk 2.55 Xena: Warrior Princess 3.40 Melrose Place 4.25 First Wave Mr T is currently trying to set Riath on fire while the rest of the office chant “burn, burn”. Somehow I can’t help thinking this seems like an analogy of Bush’s foreign policy. Burn the music Nazi instead I say....
Saturday 5 April
Sunday 6 April BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.00 EastEnders 2.55 My Family 3.25 Boat Race 2003 My money is on Durham. But I am a very stupid man. 5.15 Songs of Praise Hymns include Glory Be To God The Father and Kill All Those With Tainted Blood. 5.50 My Dad's the Prime Minister Apparently this was scripted by Ian Hislop. Smugness abounds? Possibly. 6.20 BBC News 6.40 Regional News 6.45 EastEnders: Life After the Square Is a harsh realisation of the fact you can’t act. With Michelle Collins, Nick Berry, Lindsey Coulson, Gillian Taylforth, Leslie Grantham, Mike Reid, Bill Treacher and Tamzin Outhwaite. Sea of cunts. 7.45 Only Fools and Horses 9.00 Clocking Off When Pat and Freda's relationship becomes fraught, the whole factory becomes involved. Awesome gang-bang scenes. 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama 10.55 FILM: Waterworld Kevin Costner, now there’s a Craig Charles style fall from grace. 1.00 The Sky at Night 1.25 Joins BBC News 24
7.00 CBBC: Fix and Foxi 7.10 Looney Tunes 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Smile 10.30 CBBC: Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 10.50 So Little Time 11.15 Young Indiana Jones Chronicles 12.45 Great Speeches 1.00 Wildlife on Two 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 Moto GP 2.20 British Superbikes 2.50 Rugby Special 3.20 1,000 Miles Walk Update 3.30 FILM: Barefoot in the Park 5.10 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 5.40 Wild Britain: The Taming of the Shrews 5.50 Desert Elephants and Lost Lions 6.20 Natural World: Coyote the Ultimate Survivor? 7.10 Scrum V 8.00 Top Gear The most humourous clips from the last series of Top Gear. How this will last an hour I don’t know. 9.00 Ray Mears's Extreme Survival: New Zealand 10.00 24 Nina helps Jack get information from Faheen. The drivers of the bomb van run into problems. Kim is arrested for Carla's murder. Now Kim Bauer truly is top TV totty. Boobilicious. 10.45 The X Files 12.10 This Life 12.55 Boxing: Eric Lucas v Markus Beyer 2.00 Revision 4.00 Languages
6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.30 Miffy and Friends 10.35 Tractor Tom 10.50 Engie Benjy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Diocese of Truro 12.30 Election Waterfront 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Soccer Sunday 2.30 That's Esther 3.00 FILM: Father of the Bride 2 4.50 HTV News and Weather 5.05 ITV New 5.20 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix 7.50 Coronation Street 8.20 Heartbeat 9.20 William and Mary Fireworks are promised when William and Mary's kids meet each other. Ooh, fireworks... 10.20 Hardware Looks crap but it’s got Martin “Tim from The Office” Freeman in so we’ll give it a chance. 10.50 ITV Weekend News War! Death! Suffering! and finally the amusing story of hamster that got lost on a housing estate in Dudley but was promptly found again. 11.10 It's My Life Sang Haddaway on a tampon ad. And in a way they were right. 11.40 Paradise Found 12.10 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix 1.10 FILM: Paradise 3.10 Trisha 4.05 World Sport 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Bob the Builder and Friends: Bill and Ben and Bob the Builder 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday 7.30 Real Story 8.00 EastEnders Ian shocks Alfie with a tip for broadening Spencer's sex education. Five minutes up an alley with Janine is my suggestion. 8.30 FILM: Men in Black 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 MacIntyre Investigates: Gorilla Kidnap 11.35 Burn It 12.05 This Is Dom Joly 12.35 3 Non-Blondes 1.10 BBC News 24
6.00 Open University 6.30 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 XperiMENTAL 8.00 Taz-Mania 8.20 The Wayne Manifesto 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 FILM: Press for Time 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 Taxi 1.40 FILM: Paper Moon 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional New 3.30 Escape to the Country Revisited 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Double Take 10.00 Shooting Stars 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Warnings from History 12.00 Profile 12.30 Talking about Care 1.00 Playing Safe 1.30 Exam Success 2.00 English Languages 5.00 Working in the Community
Sgorio S4C 9pm
Some Mother Do ‘Ave ‘Em BBC2 5.10pm
6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 Blue's Clues 7.15 Max Bear 7.30 Investigators 7.50 Totally Spies! 8.15 City Guys 8.40 Futurama 9.10 King of the Hill 9.40 Dirty Laundry 10.10 Star Buck$ 10.40 As If 11.10 Stargate SG-1 12.00 Sioe Fideo Huw Stephens 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 A Place in France 2.25 Charles 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion News. 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol Why are all S4C presenters called Hywel or Huw? Is it compulsory? 8.30 Ar Dy Feic 9.00 Iechyd Da Dram 9.50 Newyddion News. 10.05 FILM: The Perfect Storm Any good? Who knows, I don’t watch films that don’t contain lesbian nurses. 12.25 How to Rob a Bank Tights on head, shooter at the ready, mad Kev from Romford in the XR3i. Sorted. 1.25 The Salon 2.25 FILM: Paperback Hero 4.00 Edge of the Universe
6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Wishbone 10.30 Braceface 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.05 Rooted 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.15 FILM: The Scarlet Pimpernel 3.50 The Story of Art Deco 4.20 Dream Holiday Home 4.55 Dream Machine 5.25 Fifth Gear Special 5.55 five news 6.10 FILM: Beethoven's 3rd Ho-ho, I bet it took at least two minutes to think of the title of this big dog caper sequel. 8.00 Lights, Camera, Accident 8.30 Swag 9.00 FILM: The Long Kiss Goodnight 11.25 World's Wildest Police Videos 12.15 Major League Baseball Live: Oakland Athletics v Anaheim Angels 4.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Corrie Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Karen is torn between two men. The solution? Spit roast. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Planman 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 The Premiership on Monday Fulham v Blackburn. 12.00 Champions League Weekly 12.30 Football League Extra 1.10 Wish You Were Here...? 1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.25 Antiques Trail 2.50 Ghost Stories 3.15 Entertainment Now! 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News HTV West.
6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: The Spy in Black 11.35 Icons 11.50 Supporting Acts 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Ellie gives Toby a choice - it's her or his mum. Incestuous undertones? A slightly flaccid fnarr. 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol Porthgain 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio A round-up of the weekend's soccer action from Serie A, the Primera Liga and the Bundesliga. 10.35 The Sopranos Awesome scenes. Surely the best thing on TV at the mo. If you missed Ralphie being done up the gary with a vibrator you are truly are beyond redemption. Or perhaps not, depends whether you like that sort of thing or not. Whatever floats your boat I suppose. 11.40 Secrets of the Dead: The Coldest March 12.40 Faking It USA 1.40 DNA 2.40 The Last Peasants
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Photographer 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Rag and Bone 3.50 FILM: The Patron Saint of Liars 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Arrest and Trial: Buried Memories 8.30 Murder Detectives: Nasa Challenge 9.00 Plastic Surgery Ruined My Life 10.00 FILM: Out for Justice 11.50 US PGA Golf Action from the Bellsouth Classic in Duluth. 12.40 NASCAR Busch Motor Racing 1.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.00 Motorsport Mundial 3.35 Ironman Challenge: New Zealand 4.25 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v SC Heerenveen
Monday 7 April
Tuesday 8 April BBC1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Tikkabilla 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders Pat has to admit she's not the woman she once was. Given what she once was, we’d say that makes her a man. 8.00 Holby City 9.00 A Life of Grime 9.30 Traffic Cops 10.00 News 10.35 Hollywood Greats Jonathan Ross profiles American icon Jimmy Stewart, the good guy who could also capture the dark side on screen. Somewhat inevitably, TV Alex quite fancies him. 11.15 FILM: The Shootist 12.55 Sign Zone: See Hear 1.40 Sign Zone: Secrets of Leadership 2.30 Sign Zone: Horizon 3.20 Sign Zone: Natalie Cassidy Goes Wild in Australia Urgh, unpleasant images of rampaging Sonias stomping across the bush. 4.20 Sign Zone: How to Be a Gardener 4.50 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Musee du Louvre - Understanding a National Institution 6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 10.50 Trade Secrets 11.00 Taxi 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 FILM: Emergency Call 2.25 Golf: 2002 Masters Review 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link USA 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring the Bluebells, the Undertones and Amazulu, plus new music from Robert Plant. Respectively: awful, fab (well, one classic song), what the fuck? and LEGEND. Though maybe too old to be dignified anymore. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 8.00 Get a New Life 9.00 Monsters We Met 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: The Autism Puzzle 12.20 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Train to ClujNapoca 1.00 Bajourou - Music of Mali 1.30 The Art of the Restorer 2.00 National Test Revision: Keystage 3 Bitesize Revision - English 2 4.00 Languages: Work Talk: Germany 5.00 Working in the Community
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Corrie Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Foxbusters 4.00 The Worst Witch 4.30 Girls in Love Yay! Lesbianism for kids - it’s the Tatu influence. 5.00 Crossroads Tracey tries to make the pub feel like home. TV Desk knows the feeling. 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Champions League Live: Real Madrid v Manchester United “I hope Man U lose and Keane gets kicked in the face” a vicious TV Steve. Who is Keane and why does he deserve to be kicked in the face? 9.50 News 10.20 First Wives 11.20 The Club 12.05 Champions League 1.00 Nash Bridges 1.50 Champions League: Real Madrid v Manchester United We’ve had this already. That’s cheating! 3.30 World Sport 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Awesome scenes of Riath and Mr T getting each other wet. Fnarr!
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Mona the Vampire 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter Konnie Huq and Simon Thomas discover why cleaning a dog's teeth can tell us how healthy she is. Open wide, Konnie! 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 To Catch a Thief 7.30 Iraq Special 8.00 UK's Worst... New House 8.30 The Vicar of Dibley 9.00 Killer Whale 9.50 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10.00 News 10.40 Belonging 11.10 Question Time 12.10 FILM: Body Heat Oops, accidentally deleted the listing, but involved the words ‘steamy’ and ‘lusty’, which are always good things. 2.15 Sign Zone: The Food Police 2.45 Antiques Roadshow 3.30 Panorama 4.10 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: The Challenge 6.30 The Front Desk 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 Budget 2003 2.35 Hall of Fame 2.45 Butterflies 3.15 News 3.25 Escape to the Country 4.25 Ready Steady Cook 5.10 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 An exclusive live set from Erasure. Dear God, why? 6.45 Golf: A Masters Debut 7.30 Hollywood Science 8.00 The Lost World of Tyntesfield 9.00 Love Thy Neighbour 10.00 Dead Ringers 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: Cobra Ferrari Wars 12.20 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Defining Moments 1.00 A New Sun Is Born 1.30 The Encyclopedie 2.00 National Test Revision: Keystage 3 Bitesize Revision: English 3 4.00 Languages: Make Japanese Your Business 5.00 Working in the Community: Managing and Training Staff Throw golf balls at them until they work. If that fails, pour water over them.
Killer Whale BBC 1 9pm
FILM: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas S4C 1:10am
6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: The Running Man Riath, being chased by people wielding variously: a lighter (Mr T), pens (TV Amy), water (Mr T), golf balls (TV Alex) and scissors (Mr T). 11.55 Self Portraits UK 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Real Wallis Simpson Another great historical jezebel. Respect for causing a monarchical crisis. 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Sioe Fideo Huw Stephens 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The West Wing 11.45 The Clinic 12.15 NYPD Blue 1.10 FILM: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas “As your lawyer, I advise you to take a car and drive to Las Vegas NOW” - Music Desk. 3.10 Edward and Mary: The Unknown Tudors
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Photographer 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Things in Their Season Riath and Mr T, by the looks of it. They’re like a pair of rutting stags. 3.50 FILM: A Mother's Instinct 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Deadliest Sharks 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Crime and Punishment: People v Villa/Schierbaum 11.50 Dumber and Dumber 12.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week 1.10 NHL Ice Hockey: Play-off Preview 4.30 NHL Ice Hockey Replay “Nick Cave - he’s the goth Frank Sinatra” - TV Amy loves her morose pianist types. As do we all.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 ITV Lunchtime News 12.30 Budget 2003 2.00 Today with Des and Mel 3.00 News 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.45 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 3.55 Jungle Run 4.30 The Worst Witch TV Amy! Actually not, she’s a damn good witch. 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 News 6.25 Budget 2003: The Chancellor of the Exchequer 6.30 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Angela decides it's time to take control of Katy. Fnarr! TV Desk loves bondage. (Well, only if it’s the one doing the tying up. TV Desk likes to be in control.) 8.00 The Bill 9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.30 News at Ten 11.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.30 Champions League 12.30 Redcoats 12.55 Reborn in the USA 1.55 UEFA Champions League 3.35 World Football 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, lame joke desperation time. Doctor tells his patient: “I’m afraid I’ve got bad news for you; you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.” The patient thinks for a moment, then replies: “Well, it isn’t too bad. At least I don’t have cancer.”
6.05 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Desiree 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 USS Indianapolis 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Crwydro 9.00 04 Wal 9.30 Hacio 10.00 Brookside 11.30 Fat Girls and Feeders Documentary examining a bizarre sub-culture in which men who find bigger women attractive coerce their ample partners to gain further weight to a point where the women become immobile and risk their very lives. *whimper* That’s fucking horrific. I never, never, never want to see this programme. 12.30 The People's Book of Records 1.00 Monkey 1.55 Do You Believe in Magic? “Of course, I’m a witch” - TV Amy. Burn her at the stake! 2.55 FILM: White Feather Sporting gaffe of the week: Jennifer Capriati’s request for the incidental music to her match. The silly bint asked for OutKast’s Bombs Over Baghdad, thinking it was appropriate. Doh.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Photographer 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McCloud: Murder Arena 3.40 FILM: Columbo: Identity Crisis 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Alex goes on a hot date. Quelle coincidence! Yes indeed, TV Alex is at this very moment considering which restaurant to frequent on Saturday with said hot date. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 Dream Machine 8.30 Fifth Gear: Bullet Proof Cars An entire fucking hour of motorstyle shite for pathetic men to wank over until they forget how long it’s been since they last spoke to another human being. 9.00 FILM: The Gauntlet 11.10 Real Sex: Bottoms Up A title which conveys so much in two little words. Shudder. 12.05 La Femme Nikita 12.55 European Seniors Golf: Royal Westmoreland Barbados Open 1.45 NHL Ice Hockey 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax
Wednesday 9 April
Thursday 10 April BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 SMart 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life Ooooooh.... the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs single makes me moist. Long live Karen O and err... the other two. 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Walking with Cavemen: Savage Family 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Servants 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.40 Budget Response by Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales “I do stink and I have got a weight problem” - Riath finally admits what we all know. Still fancy him, Leona Gome? 10.45 Golf: 2003 Masters 11.40 Dragon's Eye 12.10 FILM: The Hunted 2.00 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Surviving Cities 6.30 Desertification - a Threat to Peace? 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 Taz-Mania 8.20 The Wayne Manifesto 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 FILM: Hans Christian Andersen 12.10 Great Speeches 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Looking Good Tricks 1.20 Taxi 1.45 FILM: One Good Turn 3.15 BBC News; Weather 3.20 Regional News; Weather 3.25 Escape to the Country 4.25 Ready Steady Cook 5.10 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.25 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.50 Match of the Day Live: Celtic v Boavista 9.00 Golf: 2003 Masters 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Room 101 John Peel recommends consigning beards and shopping to the dustbin. Ahhh, John Peel. If I could have a celebrity Dad, he’d be it. He’s a husky voiced god, although he does have somewhat shaky taste in music. 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 The Learning Zone
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Corrie Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Prized Possessions 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Digimon 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 HTV News 6.25 Budget 2003: The Shadow Chancellor 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 The Biggest Women in Britain Featuring an Essex wife who has mastered the art of being size 28 and sexy. Now, I don’t mean to be rude, right, but there’s two reasons why this is patently false. 1) She’s the size of a house and 2) she’s from Essex. Essex, people! The county that sex forgot! 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Sharp End Debate 11.30 For Better, for Worse 12.30 Night and Day 1.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.50 CD:UK Hotshots 2.15 In Profile 2.40 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall in the Country 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up in the Sun 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Escape to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family 9.00 Lenny Henry in Pieces 9.30 The Jasper Carrott Trial Burn him! Burn him for his crimes against comedy, the Brummie cunt. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.40 Golf: 2003 Masters 11.40 FILM: Fatal Beauty 1.25 FILM: Across the Tracks 3.00 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University 6.30 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 All or Nothing 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 TazMania 8.20 The Wayne Manifesto 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 FILM: The Three Stooges 11.45 Afoot Again in the Past 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Taxi 1.25 FILM: Country Life 3.15 BBC News; Weather 3.20 Regional News and Weather 3.25 Escape to the Country 4.25 Ready Steady Cook 5.10 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 Robot Wars Extreme II 7.05 Scrum V Live: Llanelli v Perpignan 9.30 Golf: 2003 Masters 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 FILM: Clockers “Meant to be very controversial. Directed by Spike Lee, so bound to be good.” - Music Andy masquerades as Film, the fraudster. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone
Lenny Henry in Pieces BBC1 9pm
The Biggest Women in Britain ITV1 9pm
6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: Summer Holiday 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 The City Gardener 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Budget Statement by the Chancellor 6.05 Friends 6.30 Y Rhagalen Wirion Na 6.55 Wedi 7 7.25 Datganiad y Gyllideb: Llafur 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Y Blaid Geidwadol 8.05 Pobol y Cwm 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.05 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Crew Mewn Corwynt 10.05 40 Not to be confused with 24. Not that you’re that stupid, of course.Well... 11.05 Budget Response 11.10 Bang! Bang! Bangkok! 11.45 Frasier12.15 Frasier 12.45 The Salon: After Hours 1.15 FILM: Secrets and Lies
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Photographer 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Cattle Drive 3.50 FILM: Yellowstone Kelly 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 House Doctor: Design for Living 8.30 The Woman with the Mysterious Brain: Extraordinary People 9.00 FILM: The Patriot 12.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.45 Dutch Football: De Graafschap v Feyenoord 2.15 Argentinian Football 3.45 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.35 Major League Soccer: Columbus Crew v LA Galaxy
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Corrie Uncovered 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Buried Treasures 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Eddy and the Bear 3.25 Hilltop Hospital 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 How II 4.30 Sir Gadabout 5.00 Crossroad 5.30 Catchphrase 6.00 HTV News 6.25 Budget 2003: The Liberal Democrats 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Lucky Jim 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.05 Savage Planet: White Terror 11.35 Witches' Brew According to Riath, I am a witch. Quite why he thinks this is unclear. But I’m sure to enjoy this show at any rate. According to him, the twat. 12.05 Dial-a-Date 12.35 The District 1.25 CD:UK Hotshots 1.50 Entertainment Now! 2.15 Veronica's Closet 3.00 Today with Des and Mel 3.50 World Football 4.15 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 Channel 4 Morning News: War Report 8.10 RI:SE 9.30 Bewitched 10.00 FILM: The Young Ones 12.00 News at Noon: War Report 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Wreck Detectives 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 5.55 Budget Response by Plaid Cymru 6.00 Hollyoaks Bombhead helps Mr C. What kind of fucking name is Bombhead? The writers are really running out of hip ‘n’ trendy monickers to call their cardboard cutouts. Ermm... I mean characters. 6.30 Darn o Dir 6.55 Popcorn 7.25 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb Plaid Cymru 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 8.05 Igamogi 8.35 Pobol y Cwm 9.05 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.30 ER 10.30 Ali G in Da USA 11.05 Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats 11.10 The Best of V Graham Norton 12.10 Boys and Girls Friday 12.45 World Rally 1.15 St Tropez Summer 1.45 FILM: Black Widow 3.35 Brazilian Championship Football
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Barney 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 Wildlife Photographer 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Taza, Son of Cochise 3.50 FILM: On Thin Ice Precisely where Riath is, having thrown water all over the keyboard. World of pain. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news - war in iraq 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 Mind to Kill 11.00 FILM: Ringer 1.00 FILM: The Surrogate 2.40 FILM: Major League: Back to the Minors 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters This week, TV Desk loves: Yeah Yeah Yeahs, winning elections (oh, shut up Alex you smug fucking git), shaving people’s eyebrows off and writing “I am shit” on the head of our drunkenly passedout future deputy editor. Har har har, oh the hilarity!
Friday 11 April
gair rhydd 31 03 03
CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION Sat 12 Apr
The Coral + support UT adv LD ·O£9.50
Thu 17 Apr
UT O D Placebo + The Eighties Matchbox B-line Disaster · £15.00 adv L O S
Thu 24 Apr
The Mad Caddies + support · £9.00 adv
Tu e 08 May
Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Wed 12 Feb. All tickets are still valid.
+ very special guest Amen + special guests · £12.50 adv
F r i 09 May
Kill II This / Breed 77 + support · £7.00 adv
Mon 12 May
Mogwai + support · £10.00 adv
Sun 18 May Thu 29 May
Less Than Jake + support · £10.00 adv
Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Sun 04 May. All tickets are still valid.
Shed 7 + support £12.50 adv
Over 14’s Only · Cardiff University Students Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN. Box Office: 029 2078 1458
clwb ifor bach
TICKETS for the following events are now available from the SU Box Office subject to booking fee Fri 04 April · 10pm · £7 adv One of the uks finest MC's
Thu 17 April · 10pm · £7adv
Fallacy featuring Tubby T
Fri 25 April · 10pm · £7adv
Fri 11 April · 10pm · £7 adv Tru Playaz records night
CARDIFF COAL EXCHANGE
Fri 25 April · 9pm · £10 adv Mr Scruff [5 hour set]
Adam F & MC MC
DJ Hype, Pascal & MC AD 18+ SHOWS (Doors 7.00pm)
Tue 01 April Thu 03 April Fri 04 April Sat 05 April Thu 10 April Wed 16 April Sat 19 April Mon 21 April
22-20’s Lo Fidelity All Stars (DJ Set) Burning Brides + Winnebago Deal The Star Spangles + The Go The Bays Minus The Burn Radio 4
£5.00 adv £6.00 adv £5.00 adv £6.00 £7.00 £5.00 £6.00 £7.00
adv adv adv adv adv
Wed 23 April Fri 25 April Tue 29 April Wed 30 April Fri 02 May Tue 06 May Fri 09 May Sat 10 May Sun 18 May Mon 19 May
Little Hell The Selecter Kings of Leon I am Kloot The Kennedy Soundtrack The Futureheads Junior Senior The Mooney Suzuki The Sleepy Jackson Clearlake
£5.00 £9.00 £7.00 £7.50 £4.00 £5.00 £7.00 £6.00 £6.00 £5.00
adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv
ALL AGE SHOWS (Doors 3.00 pm - 7.00 pm) Sun 13 April Sun 27 April
Fony £5.00 adv Whitmore £5.00 adv
Sun 01 May
4ft Fingers £5.00 adv
Sun 01 June MU330 £6.00 adv Sun 20 July Nerf Herder £7.00 adv
ts ke le Tic Sa on
Public Enemy - Bristol Academy · Tuesday 8th April 2003 · 7.30pm · Tickets £15.50 advance (subject to booking fee) Super Furry Animals + Special Guests · Bethesda Rugby Club, Saturday 21st June 2003 Gates open at 2pm · Tickets £20.00 advance (subject to booking fee)
V Festival - Weston Park Staffordshire featuring Coldplay, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Foo Fighters, David Gray plus over 50 artists to be announced over 4 stages. Saturday 16th August/Sunday 17th August 2003. Day Tickets £42.50 per day. Weekend Tickets without camping £75.00 per ticket. Weekend Tickets with camping £90.00 per ticket. All tickets subect to booking fee.
gair rhydd features section Free Word 738 email@example.com
31 03 03
people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 han a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day. s than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live .2 billion people live on less than a dollar a e live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less lion people live on less than a dollar a day.
For a few dollars more....
billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live here seems to be a general on less than a dollarconsensus a among the student day. 1.2 billion community that we’re a pretty people live on hard-up less bunch. The ‘average’ student than a dollar a probably day. lives on around £15.00 a day 1.2 billion people withlive which he/she has to pay for accommodation, food, the ‘f-word’ on less than a dollar a (fees) as well as, of course, maintaining day. 1.2 billion a hectic social schedule; and can people live on less probably expect to leave University than a dollar a day. trailing 1.2 billion people live up to or over a hefty ten grand’s of debt. on less than a dollar worth a And it could get worse. After the day. 1.2 billion release earlier this year of the people live on less Government White Paper on top-up f***, than a dollar a there day. are some who say that future 1.2 billion people live may leave education over students on less than a twenty dollarthousand a pounds in debt. day. 1.2 billion Given such figures, it would be easy to people live on say lessthat us students should not be than a dollar a expected day. to worry too much about the prosperity 1.2 billion people live of others. Yet even we cannot on less than a imagine dollar what a it must be like to live on less than 60p a day. This is the reality for day. 1.2 billion over one people live on less billion inhabitants of the most than a dollar a deprived day. developing countries in the world. 1.2 billion people live
1.2 billion people live on less than one dollar per day. Students ‘struggle’ to cope with an average of £15. So, for answers, it seems we really need to start looking beyond our own backyard.
Last August’s World Summit in Johannesburg was meant as a forum in which all the nations of the world could discuss how to improve the living conditions for these people and others like them. The timing was particularly apt: in 2002 Africa was particularly badly off. A staggering 14 million faced imminent starvation in South Africa, Mauritania and Zimbabwe; at least another six million in Ethiopia – the country in which, back in 1984, a similar catastrophe jump-started the Live Aid and Comic relief programmes. Meanwhile, the continuing pandemic of AIDS has infected around 30 million Africans, effectively condemning them to death since they cannot afford the drugs necessary to prevent ongoing infections, and there were reports that the same devastating condition may now be taking hold in India and China – two of the
heaviest populated countries in the world. Yet while some would argue that the World Summit did little to effectively address these issues, the press and related articles surrounding the conference revealed these humanitarian disasters, despite their horrific scale, were merely indications of a far larger underlying problem: that of Third-World poverty. Over the past forty years, the world has become progressively more affluent. Global economic output has risen about 30%, but this wealth has not been shared equally among all people. In 1960, the richest fifth of the world’s population was 30 times wealthier than the poorest fifth. Today, that figure is up to 74, yet while the economies of the richest countries have steadily improved, the total amount of aid donated by those nations dropped from $69 billion to $53 billion. Meanwhile conditions in the poorest nations have, in many cases, worsened. There are an estimated 1 billion people living without clean water – a commodity we take for granted – and around half the world’s population, roughly 3 billion people, do not have access to adequate sanitation. As a result, about 30,000 people die every day from illnesses caused by contaminated water supplies. Debt in Third-World countries stands at $2.5 trillion, which gobbles up to 40% of their Governments’ budgets: money which could otherwise be spent on improving the standard of living of their citizens, and about 1.1 billion people have to get by on around 60p a day or less. That’s the same amount of money a ‘Big Issue’ vendor gets for selling one copy. These are issues that should concern us all: they involve our fellow human beings suffering conditions that would be intolerable to any ‘civilised’ person. Yet it sometimes seems as though we know as much about the possibilities of microbacterial life on Mars as we do
about the plight of people in Third-World countries. Why is this? Is it that we just don’t care? Or is it that we simply aren’t aware? Considering the scale of suffering it surprises me we don’t have more media coverage of crises such as the South African famine. Are they simply not considered important? What could be more important than the preventable starvation of well over 10 million people? Is it that the situation doesn’t change and so cannot be classified as ‘news’? Tell that to the relatives of over 2,500 people who die each day of Malaria. Or is it that an African life is simply not considered as important as that of a ‘Westerner’? I hope not. Yet the response to the ‘9/11’ attacks, in which about 2,000 died, commendable though it was, was completely disproportionate when compared to the response to the current plight of Ethiopia where at least 6 million don’t have enough food to survive. Similarly, the public outpouring of grief surrounding the abductions of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman last year, appropriate though it was, was completely disproportionate to the rather more limited sympathy which appears to be shown for the million or so children orphaned by AIDs in Africa, many of whom now have the virus themselves. The trouble is that, in order to stimulate the British public, they need to be made aware of the problems. Red Nose Day helps, but the problems do not simply disappear once the red attire has been trashed. They need to be followed up by the news, but only certain forms of human misery appear to be acceptable or dramatic enough to broadcast. After all, watching children starve doesn’t have the razzmatazz of an aeroplane flying into a building or the drama of watching Continued overleaf
features meeting, mondays @ 1.15pm FocusFocusFocusFocus
gair rhydd 31 03 03
16 • Features 1.2 billion people live on less than
1.2 billion people live on less than
1.2 billion people live on less than
their GDP’s – more than for most rich countries. The many others. The amounts you can give vary, but it countries in the world. Continued from page 15 a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people a dollar a day. 1.2 billion people a dollar a day. 1.2could billion be aspeople little as two pounds a month. Two pounds left underdeveloped What touches many people is that these ‘panacea’ of Free Trade has richest country in the world – the USA – deals out live on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 liveis on less dollar a day. than aadollar a day. month: the price of 1.2 a bottle of Bud. Could you give ratheron thenless investment. don’t 1.2 ‘just’ make profit: they make countries open to exploitationlive just 0.1%, and, of course, aid defined in than many a corporations billion people people live on than a billion people live up onone less a drinkthan each month in order to improve living what than can be adone? What must be done if we grossless amounts of money, a significant proportionlive of onSoless ways. It seems, however, thatbillion extra money can often dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live imbalance a day.need 1.2I billion dollarofaprosperity day. 1.2 people livedeprived people in the world? conditions for the most are to correct the terrible in billion which people goes to live the already-extremely-wealthy be produced promptly for dollar other causes: onInless dollar day.The1.2 on less than dollar a day.of 1.2 less thanyeta so dollar 1.2 are, surely anyone who feels Pooraasday. us students this a world? situation mayon seem hopeless; executives the businesses. itself, than this is ajust mention the Millennium Dome? But while at a least billion people live on a to improve billion live on lessand than a it the world compassion for suchapeople could afford two pounds, muchless couldthan be done the lot of so many business, without we know wouldn’t the Dome brought regeneration to people a previously billion people live on less than dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live particularly when can fork out ten pounds for a people for relatively little. exist, but the point many activists make is that this derelict area of London, the dollar same cannot be said of a day. 1.2 billion people live dollar a day. 1.2 billion people we live night out and consider Apart from Governments and multinationals, the money is often attained through exploitation of war with Iraq. The Kosovo on war less had a than price tag in on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 a dollar a day. 1.2 on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 it ‘cheap’. only other section of society with thepeople resources live to onCharity people in poor countries or represents ‘profit-uponexcess of $800 million; the last Gulf War was billion people live on less than a billion people live on less than a billion less doesn’t than aend with Red Nose Day, nor do you have to be thelive type of person who wears thirdprovide effective change is the general public. After profit’, some of which could surely be given to good estimated to have cost around $80 billion and war dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live dollar a day. 1.2 billion people hand knitted woollen all, it is our money which keep corporations running, causes around the world. With the amount of profit with Iraq will surely cost on at least this much. In on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 less than a dollar a day. 1.2 on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 jumpers to give on a regular basis. I urge all people reading this article who do not and our taxes which support Governments. they make, these companies can afford to pay all response to the famine in billion Africa, however, one billion people live on less than a people live on less than a billion people live on less than a Yet how many of us give regularly to charity? already donate regularly to take a look at the websites charity was asking for $500 million to feed 10 their workers a fair wage, yet there are still people in dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live dollar a day. 1.2 billion people live million people for nine months. How would you underdeveloped countries working hours that would One-off donations are good, but in order to sustain of any of the charities you know and pledge regularly. on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 on less than a dollarRegular a day.giving 1.2 may not be the cure-all for the be unacceptable to people in the UK for a pay that change, regular contributions are needed. There are prefer the money to be spent? billion people live on less than a billion people live on less than a on less a amount could be done which, ills, than but a huge many charities which one canbillion donate topeople regularly live or world’s What about big multinationals: the traditional would be considered a pittance. dollarmay a day. 1.2 billion people live a day. people livethe solution dollar a day. people live it is a vain hope, but I would it appears, is not. Perhaps charities such1.2 as billion It is often said that lie in these which have sponsorship schemes: target for many activists? Itdollar is certainly true 1.2 that billion on less than a dollar a day. 1.2 onofless than dollar a day. 1.2 globalisation on less than a dollar 1.2as the upcoming generation of this like a to day. think that, Oxfam, WorldVision, WaterAid, SOS-Kinderdorf, countries embracing and opening their multinationals have huge stores money. Thereaare billion people live on less thanAid a and Tearfund. billion people live on less thanyeta it has been billion people live world, on less than we could do a something to improve the lives of Cafod, Christian All have websites borders to trade, found that for many, currently around five corporations whose combined day. people dollar a day. 1.2 billion live dollar day. people all the people livinglive in it. where direct debitslive can be filled out, aand there 1.2 are billion imports people and exports accountdollar for moreathan 40%1.2 of billion incomes exceed the total income of the 46 poorest
The war in black and white? Fed up with America bashing? Rob Newman certainly is. Exclusively for gair rhydd, he points out why the war is a just and moral cause (complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org!) IT’S REVENGE FOR SEPTEMBER 11 Yes and no. 9/11 woke us up to the fact that terrorists will attempt to destroy the West. The best way to do this is with weapons of mass destruction. Hence, states which proliferate such technology must be confronted. It’s not enough to state that because alQaeda has tried to assassinate Saddam Hussein before, it won’t try to acquire WMD from an Iraqi source who can be bought. Although the US hasn’t helped itself by alleging improbable links between Iraq and al-Qaeda, it is true that: an al-Qaeda affiliated group, Ansar al-Islam, operates in the north; that Abu Nidal, the head of a Palestinian terror group, operated out of Baghdad before his death last year; that Saddam pays the family of every Palestinian suicide bomber $25,000; and that the Iraqi Army has trained and financed members of Mujaheddin-eKhalq. Removing Saddam removes a sponsor of terrorism.
‘IT’S ALL ABOUT OIL’ This makes no sense, on two counts. First, it would be easier politically and about $100bn cheaper to simply lift the UN embargoes on Iraqi exports. Second, it doesn’t square with the other anti-war mantra that Bush is in the pocket of the oil industry. More oil on the market means lower prices, which means lower profits for those companies he’s supposed to be beholden to. If he were in their
pockets, he’d be pushing for the French/German idea of indefinite inspections. The uncertainty over war would keep prices artificially high and mean more profit for the fat cats. Similarly, if it’s not about access to oil but about ownership of the resources, then that not only stands in opposition to repeated commitments that Iraqi oil belongs to the Iraqis, but also means that only one or two companies would benefit from the contracts awarded post-war. The small companies – Bush’s political allies – would go out of business.
can exercise the influence necessary to end it. But here, too, there is a riposte. Bush is the first US President to have accepted the notion of a twin-state solution in the region. Thanks in part to Blair’s influence, the Palestinians have appointed new leaders and the ‘roadmap’ will be published. Standing by the US on Iraq has given us greater authority to force Bush into acting on Israel. It’s also worth noting that the Camp David accords came about after the action in 1991, which gave fresh impetus to the US to engage with the peace process.
IT’S AMERICAN IMPERIALISM
CONTAINMENT / WEAPONS INSPECTIONS WERE WORKING
One of the biggest problems we have in Afghanistan now is convincing the US to deploy outside of Kabul and commit itself to rebuilding that nation. If it were an imperialist nation, surely it would have installed a general to command the country, not transferred power to a civilian administration? Having one superpower is a good thing. It means that we can’t be in the position we were in in 1962 again, when two nuclear powers nearly killed us all. The only problem is that the US must exercise its power properly, which is another question entirely.
ISRAEL IS IN BREACH TOO
The cycle of violence in the Occupied Territories is a crime against humanity, and the US is the only country which
62 al-Samoud missiles does not disarmament make. Ekeing out concessions had the effect of splitting the international community and allowing Saddam to remain in power longer. France played right into Iraq’s hands. Unless Iraq took the strategic decision to comply with the UN by issuing a complete declaration of its WMD programmes, why should we believe that Iraq is clean? Arguing that prolonged inspections would "eventually" disarm Iraq misunderstands Saddam’s nature. His motive for attacking Iran and Kuwait was domination of the Middle East. Are we really to believe that he’s changed his mind? Inspections declared Iraq nuclear-free in 1995, but then Uday Hussein defected and revealed a programme Iraq had
successfully hidden. Why should we believe that’s not happening again? Containment also depends upon sanctions, which because of the way Saddam implements them leaves him living in luxury while 60% of the population lives off of food aid. Iraq makes $940m a year from illicit oil sales. That’s more than enough to feed everyone. Containment and inspections were not working.
THE WAR WILL TERRORISTS
To argue that we won’t be attacked if we leave Iraq alone is madness. We are already in the firing line. The best defence against terrorism is to remove its sponsors and sources of weaponry, while at the same time strengthening our intelligence systems. In the longrun, that is the way to defeat terrorism. It’s also worth noting that, in the months of military build-up in the Gulf, there was no corresponding increase in Palestinian suicide attacks against Israel; in fact, the number dropped considerably.
WAR IS ILLEGAL The notion of ‘international law’ is difficult, because it presupposes a court that can pronounce upon it. This argument goes with the notion that the coalition is acting outside of UN authority, as it has no Security Council mandate. If we take the Council to be the arbiter of right and wrong, then we must turn to its resolutions. Resolution
678 authorised the use of force. 688 made a ceasefire conditional upon a full and complete declaration of WMD. 13 resolutions followed. 1441 decided that Iraq was in breach of all of them, repeated the demand for a declaration and warned that ‘serious consequences’ would follow non-compliance. On 8 December, Iraq put forward an incomplete declaration, and thus was immediately in ‘further material breach’. The original ceasefire was thus invalidated. In one sense, the Gulf War never ended; it merely paused. The paradox of this situation is that the coalition is upholding the spirit of UN resolutions, while at the same time acting without a direct UN mandate.
PEOPLE WILL DIE This is easily the most compelling argument for inaction. Philosophy Professor Chris Norris argued for a ‘consequentialist’ view of the conflict in the debate in the Union two weeks ago: the war will result in pain and death. But those who call for pacifism need to ask themselves: what are the consequences of inaction? Ethnic cleansing, torture, rape rooms, genocide, people being dropped into plastic shredders feet- or head-first. At what point does that suffering add up to enough to justify action? How do we quantify these respective ‘evils’? Taking action now will prevent a bloodier conflict in the future. We should have the courage of our convictions, and press on.
gair rhydd 31 03 03
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Features • 17
Watch out Mr. Bush... O
K, I’m going to point this out straight away because I know how hard it is for some people to spot tongue-in-cheek irony: I don’t actually advocate war against the USA. In fact, as a US citizen myself I would be a major-league ass-clown to actively push for war against my own people. I don’t want war anywhere…that’s the whole point, and this piece is merely intended to expose how spurious the case for war against Iraq is, and highlight enough analogy between our accusations against Iraq and America’s own actions to show that if war is justified over there, then by the same token, war against America should also be justified. A shocking thing to assert I know, but let’s just look at the evidence. We have gone to war against Iraq because Saddam has attacked his own people, has possible links to terrorist groups and has been allegedly manufacturing weapons of mass destruction. He is apparently, although doing nothing for the past twelve years, a credible threat to world security and potentially capable of being a clear and present danger to countries such as the US and the UK. Now, let’s take a look-see at the good ol’ US of A shall we and see the frightening similarities? Whilst not gassing any Kurds, they did allow Turkey to bomb Kurds in Northern Iraq over the past few years, and as far as attacking their own people: the US Department of Defence and CIA conducted between 1949 and 1969 open-air tests of bio and chemical weapons that exposed millions of Americans to large clouds of possibly dangerous bacteria and chemical particles, plus a wide history of literally millions of experiments with human subjects to test effects of chemical and biological materials including nerve agents, nuclear radiation (many were injected with plutonium), plus numerous mind control drugs and hallucinogens. They also have an increasingly militarised police force that has gotten more and more trigger-happy over the past few years, especially against young unarmed black men! And lest we forget the continuing use of the death penalty, and numerous other human rights abuses in US prisons detailed by Amnesty International amongst other NGOs. Not to mention of course the fact that each day this Iraqi war has gone on, the US has killed some of its own or its allied soldiers in repeated acts of unnecessary blunder in a needless and illegal war. Moving on… when it comes to links to terrorist groups, unlike Iraq and al-Qaeda (a still unsubstantiated link), the US is neck-deep in links to foreign terror. Who could forget that al-Qaeda were
We’re already having one war, allegedly for the benefit of humanity, and bets are on as to who should be attacked next. Dan McKee has just one country in mind...
trained by the United States in the first place? Or about the School of Americas (now called Centre for Inter-American Security Co-operation), a US education facility in Georgia that trained torture and murder to many of Latin America’s finest military human rights abusers, or the International Police Academy in Washington that trained countless police from the Third World in the same unsavoury terrortactics? There are also the many anti-Cuban terror groups that are being harboured by the US in the Florida area, as well as several known Latin American terrorists who have fled their home states to the safehaven that the US is for people like them; not to mention the dictators and terrorists the US has pers flown to havens elsewhere. And are “Shock and Awe” tactics in the Gulf
not just terrorism wit, but another bunch of synonyms? What about the weapons of mass destruction (WMD)? As I said in a previous article, these are just weapons of mass distraction, distracting us from the fact that the US itself uses WMD. Depleted uranium used in Iraq, Kosovo, and Afghanistan has linked to lung cancer, bone cancer, kidney disease, genetic defects and other serious medical conditions leading to slow radiation poisoning. Cluster bombs, arguably in violation of the Geneva Convention as they leave unexploded bomblets much akin to landmines in their wake, have also been used in these countries, and many more, turning their post-war land into minefields. Laos still suffers hundreds of grave fatalities from left over cluster bombs dropped in the ‘70s. So, America uses weapons
of mass destruction (and let’s not forget that they are the only country to have ever dropped nuclear bombs, in Hiroshima and Nagasaki after Japan had decided to surrender and thus without any military reason). It hurts its own people, and harbours and trains terrorists. Is it, however, a credible threat to international security? There are numerous countries the United States has intervened in militarily, either overtly with their armed forces or covertly through the CIA since 1945. Each time, to ensure that the sovereign state they use force against complies with America’s wishes, and always with a massive cost of innocent people. It shows a history that reads very grimly in terms of our current safety from this international menace. Iraq invaded Kuwait twelve years ago (with America’s blessing at first) and since then has not
attacked anywhere else. In fact, the infamous gassing of Kurds that we so decry was done in the late ‘80s when Saddam was still our friend and elicited no response of indignation and disgust at the time! In the same twelve years that Iraq has done nothing, America has been involved with sixteen military interventions across the world, each time causing suffering and death to many. The country’s recent opposition to diplomacy is also telling of its danger to the international community, blaming France for using the very same veto power alongside other nations in the security council opposing war, that the US itself has used many times in isolation to the international community, and deciding to run away from diplomacy instead of face defeat. America, a country that also will not sign up to the International Criminal Court unless it promises not to persecute any Americans for war-crimes. War-crimes America knows it has committed. There are many more incidents available to back my case for war, but I think, shy of writing a thousand page book, I have made my point. To see Iraq as any more a danger than America is the pot calling the kettle black. The United States is an aggressive terrorist nation that is responsible for international human rights abuses and repeated international law violations. It uses weapons of mass destruction, and will stop at nothing to seek its extremist political gains. President Bush and President Hussein are of the same stock, and what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander. Instead of war, we should reconsider what our real motives are in the Gulf and how exactly America has got away with so many crimes against the world for so damn long…
gair rhydd 31 03 03
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The scabies cleared up but the mental scarring will be with me for life
Conclusion of the IMG season
GR section ed’s ex-girlffriend, March 2003. Is money ruining football?
Issue 738. 31st March 2003 Sport Editors: David Williams, Riath Al-Samarrai, Daniel Evans. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org Website: www.gairrhydd.net
Jackson clears final Ponting shines as Aussies claim world cup hat-trick hurdle of career Nick Byrne reports COLIN JACKSON finally brought the curtain down on an illustrious career at the Indoor World Championships at Birmingham. Jackson may have finished out of the medals in Birmingham, but the rapturous ovation of the crowd revealed the high esteem in which the he is held. The Welshman finished fifth despite being the second man to rise from his blocks. However the electric atmosphere at the National Indoor Arena couldn’t lift him and Allen Johnson - the world 110m outdoor champion, who won in 7.47secs, overtook a tiring Jackson in the rush for the finishing line. Jackson won his first major medal in 1986, picking up
silver in the Edinburgh Commonwealth Games and over the next 17 years made the podium at every major athletics championship. World Championship bronze in 1987 and Olympic silver in 1988 proved he was a world-class athlete. Commonwealth and European titles followed in 1990 and the Welshman was strongly tipped for the 1992 Olympic 110m hurdle crown. In the event, Jackson only managed seventh place and Olympic gold eluded him throughout his career, with fourth and fifth place in 1996 and 2000 respectively. The lack of an Olympic title is the only blot on an otherwise impeccable copybook, the highlight of which is probably his 1993 World Championship gold, set in a world record time of 12.91 seconds which still stands today.
Jackson also won four consecutive golds at the European Championships from 1990 to 2002, a reign which is unlikely to be bettered. His indoor record is similarly impressive, and his world record of 7.30 also remains to this day. Jackson said, “Just to make an international final again was great. I said I’d come to Birmingham and retire and that’s exactly what I am going to do. “It’s a shame not to get a medal but this is an old body. It’s been an amazing career and I’ve been really pleased how it’s gone. I have finished in one piece. It’s not a bad way to go out.” There may have been no medals, no podium and no anthem for Jackson, but the lap of honour was his and draped in a Welsh flag, he lapped up the applause of the crowd for one last time.
Great Britain’s most capped athlete calls it a day
David Williams Sports Editor
AUSTRALIA’S domination of the world game culminated in Johannesburg with a 125run win over India to retain the World Cup trophy and their third overall. 140 not out from captain Ricky Ponting, in an unbeaten partnership with Damien Martyn, who made 88 not out, gave India an almost impossible task of scoring 360 to win following Australia’s record-breaking 359-2 in 50 overs. And, after capitulating to 234 all out, India could only watch as skipper Ponting lifted the trophy his country won in Calcutta in 1987 and Lords four years ago. Having been undefeated en route to the final, despite a close match in the group stage against England and some indifferent batting against New Zealand, anything but a win would have been a major shock for John Buchanan’s team. Sourav Ganguly’s decision to field must have seemed a bad one with the first over of the match going for 15 runs and Gilchrist and Hayden putting on 105 for the first wicket. Only the introduction of Harbajan Singh prevented both Aussie openers making bigger scores, the spinner removing Gilchrist for 57 and his partner for 37.
From then on it was Australian domination, with man-of-the-match Ponting and injured Martyn putting on 234, 109 of those coming off the last 10 overs. If the Indians were to have any chance of making the highest score ever to win a one-day match they would have to rely heavily on the tournaments leading runscorer Sachin Tendulkar. But, after one boundary, the highest run-maker in one-day internationals gave a simple catch back to bowler Glenn McGrath to end any real Indian hopes. Their chances were further dampened when Ganguly and Kaif fell for 24 and a duck respectively to the competitions second and third highest wicket takers, McGrath and Brett Lee. A glimpse of the form India showed on their way
to the final was shown by opener Virender Sehwag and Rahul Dravid who added 88 to the scoreboard before the former was run out by Darren Lehmann on 82. This prompted a collapse in the middle order as five wickets were lost for only 26, with Andrew Symonds, Kyle Hogg and Andy Bichel chipping in with wickets showing just how much of an all round team the world Champions are. And, by the time Zaheer Kahn had holed out to Lehmann off McGrath, Australia were already celebrating, proving that they are, by far, the best cricket team in the world. Even if coach Buchanan feels they can get even better; “ There is no question we can get better. There’s scope for improvement.”
Aussies winning world cup captain Ricky Ponting
Beautiful game is losing its bounty Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor AS TERRY VENABLES headed for the exit at Elland Road there were few expressions of genuine surprise, but rather feelings of sympathy as one of Britain’s best loved managers became the latest victim of football’s most vicious killer. The economics of football is the ugly side the beautiful game would do well to conceal, but sadly for Venables, his tenure at Leeds United was thwarted by the club’s need to save money, and escaping bankruptcy
took precedence over the necessity to keep a strong squad. Swapping his bathing shorts and Spanish villa for a tracksuit in the Yorkshire Dales, Venables was persuaded to come out of retirement and guide Leeds United to glory in the Premiership. But, like his entire stay at Elland Road, Venables’ honeymoon was short and ended in bitter divorce. From the day he put pen to paper on a two-year contract, “El Tel” could only watch as one-by-one the leading stars were sold off to ease the club’s crippling debt. Failure to qualify for the UEFA Champions League slashed the clubs income and left the Yorkshire side unable
to foot the hefty wage bill of a squad filled with top class internationals. The “crown jewels,” as they were dubbed by Chairman Peter Ridsdale, were plucked and distributed to rival clubs, leaving Venables sitting vulnerable on the throne at Elland Road as Leeds rested anxiously above the drop zone. Left with a depleted squad, results didn’t come for the former England coach. When his contract was terminated earlier this month it ended a torrid period of frustration for Venables, whose situation at Leeds is being experienced at clubs across the country. Leeds United are the latest in a long line of clubs struggling to stay afloat when player wages are constantly tugging them down.
The financial drought sweeping the football world is having a devastating effect, and the price of failure can often be too severe for those affected. Relegation from the Premiership is estimated to reduce income by at least £20million a season from television rights alone, and with payrolls running into millions each month, clubs have to offload their stars or face administration. Falling from the elite has left Ipswich Town in financial chaos. The burden of Premiership expenditure is weighing mercilessly on a team with only a Nationwide League income, whilst the threat of elimination from the “beautiful game” is moving closer to reality with every
pay-check signed. However, success can be bought and money plunged into the transfer market can make a profitable gamble. Real Madrid, whilst deep into debts incurred creating a squad of the most
recognisable faces in football, are arguably the finest side of the modern era, boasting a trophy room gleaming with silverware. Much of football now hinges on a club’s ability in the market place as opposed to the pitch. A team of stars and marketable faces draw the big investments and endorsements, whilst poorer sides must spend to stay in contention, placing themselves at risk if the gamble fails. Football is fast moving from the hallowed turf to the mahogany tables of the boardroom, and with the persistent reminders of the bank manager phasing out the roars of the crowd, the gap is closing between sport and business.
“There’s no question we can get better.” Aussie cricket coach John Buchanan tells us what we didn’t want to hear
An athletics legend retires
IMG and BUSA ALL the results from our legion of sporting stars in the waiting. Page 27
Sport gair rhydd
We pay tribute to Welsh star Colin Jackson. Page 26
31 March 2003 - Issue 738
the AU salutes Uni’s finest And awards David Williams, Sports Ed.
THE UNION’S Great Hall was the venue for this year’s A.U. awards, which give recognition to Cardiff University’s sports men and women and their achievements in the past year. With a number of awards up for grabs, the competition in every category was just as fierce as it is on the football field, netball court, ski slope or cricket pitch. Indeed, the winner of the Rolls Royce International student of the year, came from the ski slope in the form of newly elected A.U. President Tom Brown. The international skiier was shocked at the honour; “I was very surprised to win such an amazing award as there are so many other great athletes and sports people within the A.U.” After a highly successful year, both on a University and an international level, Brown is pleased at his achievements over the past twelve months; “As a race captain of Cardiff Uni’s Ski & Snowboard team ,we have gained the best ever results on the University dry ski slope circuit. We also competed in the BUSA surf championships finishing 12th out of 60 teams.” His performance in St. Moritz as the best British skiier in the 78th Anglo-Swiss University race means that Tom Brown looks to have a great future in sports.
ROLLS ROYCE INTERNATIONAL STUDENT PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR Tom Brown (Ski & Snowboarding ) SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR James Tomlinson (Cricket ) SPORTSWOMAN OF THE YEAR Katie Ridler & Vicki Luke ( Badminton ) CLUB OF THE YEAR Men’s AFC
Photo: Tim Alban James Tomlinson collects Sportsman of the year The Sportsman and woman awards were two of the most eagerly anticipated categories with a range of sports represented, showing that the University has a breadth of sporting talent. The Sportswoman award was shared by two of the University’s best badminton players, Katie Ridler and Victoria Luke. They were also part of the Ladies Badminton team who won Team of the Year. And, for the men, it was cricketer James Tomlinson who has played at county level for Hampshire in the last year. Like
Tom Brown, Tomlinson was also shocked to hear his name called; “Very surprised and very proud. I thought I had a strong chance of Fresher of the year, but sportsman really was great.” After breaking into the Hampshire first team last season and performing consistently for the University and Centre of Excellence sides, Tomlinson is proud of his cricketing exploits so far; “I’ve had a wonderful year. 2002 started well and carried on in that fashion. I achieved more in a season than I
thought I ever would.” Besides being the top wicket taker for UCCE, he played against Sri Lanka and India for BUSA and Hampshire respectively, and experienced County and National League cricket for the Hawks. “I have two more seasons to become the best I possibly can. My realistic aim for next year is to get in the National Academy which is based in Australia.” Other individual awards included the A.U. President’s Award which went to Netball’s Michelle Flaherty. Fresher of the year was collected by Georgie Reames of Lacrosse. And, after much banter with
A.U. PRESIDENT’S AWARD Michelle Flaherty ( Netball ) MOST IMPROVED CLUB OF THE YEAR Canoe FRESHER OF THE YEAR Georgie Reames ( Lacrosse ) CLUB HONOURS Victoria Wilson - Hockey Katie Glover - Cricket Ben Warwick - Cricket Samantha Miles - Kickboxing Michelle Flaherty wins Matt Wardle - Ski&Snowboard the Cricket team, the Club of Natalie Thomas - Cheerleading the Year went to Men’s AFC. Nathalie Connor - Netball Cardiff University sport Anna Goshawk - Tennis looks to be in some very Chris Cooper - Windsurfing capable hands. Mona Al-Sayegh - Fencing Grace Simpson - Korfball Richard Burden - Men’s Rugby Claire Sharpe - Rowing
Luckless Wales face whitewash Rugby Union
Daniel Evans, Sports Editor
THE RBS Six Nations’ wooden spoon came one step closer to Wales, when a Ronan O’Gara drop goal in injury time gave Ireland victory by a solitary point. In the match of the Championship, the visitors to the Millennium Stadium had been comfortable for the majority, but tries by Welsh captain, Martin Williams and winger, Gareth Thomas put the home side in touch. In the 80th minute, Manof-the-match Stephen Jones struck a sweet drop goal to put his side ahead at 24-22, in sight of their first Championship victory. But, fans and players were to be disappointed.
From the resulting kick-off, the visitors won back possession and found replacement fly half, O’Gara. Just inside the Welsh half, he let fly with a kick that broke Welsh hearts, making the score 25-24. The enthralling match had one more twist though, which left a sour taste for many Welsh fans. Several phases of incisive rugby had brought Wales within striking range, on Ireland’s 22. The crowd roared when an attempt to spread the ball wide was thwarted by winger Justin Bishop’s out-stretched arm. The ball went forward in what appeared to be a
deliberate knock-on. Lander seemed to agree he gestured for a penalty, only to lower his arm again when Collin Charvis broke through and ended the period of advantage. Had he given the penalty in front of the posts, it would have been a formality for Jones to deliver a most unexpected win for his side. When he finally had a chance for a decisive drop goal, to repeat his earlier heroics, Irish wing Dennis Hickie raced out to charge the ball down and seal the win. In an attempt to regain some pride in what has been a terrible start to Steve Hansen���s career as Welsh coach, Martin Williams and his side came out with
passion and aggression at the first whistle. They tested Ireland early on, but a lack of clinicism in the loose meant that several chances were squandered. It was left to Llanelli’s Jones to make the deserved breakthrough; he attacked the heart of the Irish defence and wrestled his way through three tackles for a try, which he then converted. Ireland however, showed exactly why they were to meet England in a Grand Slam showdown at Landsowne Road. Three penalties from David Humphreys put them in front, before Geordan Murphy released flanker Keith Gleeson for two tries either side of half-time. Such is the nature of Welsh
TEAM OF THE YEAR Ladies Badminton
rugby at the moment that when the national team are expected to win, as in Italy, they disappoint. But, at 19-7 down to Ireland, with little chance of victory, they suddenly found some selfbelief. The country’s most expensive import, Iestyn Harris came on and acted as the catalyst for what was a 20-minute period of some expansive and penetrative rugby. Two well-worked tries frightened a very good Irish side and but for some bad luck, Wales could have been victorious at last. Much rebuilding is needed for this inconsistent to achieve anything in the coming World Cup. There are positives, but they are few and far between.
FULL COLOURS (SELECTED) Jess Baker - Football Jack Bennett - Rugby Alex Luff - Rugby Nick Charles - Fencing Oliver Cooper - Hockey Steve Edmunds - Cricket Henrietta Eve - Tennis Kevin McCabe - Taekwon Do Saq Rana - Tennis Roberts Riddett - Rifle Geraint Rowlands - Rifle Vicky Simm - Basketball Emma Thain - Windsurfing Elan Winter - Canoe Rachel Wil Yeo - Karate
Mens AFC celebrate
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Inter Mural Games
31 March 2003
They think it’s all over... Billy Lee for gr Sport JOMEC’S REIGN as IMG champions is officially over after defeat to tournament favourites, Accountancy. Despite going a goal up in a game they had to win, the journalists found themselves 21 down with ten minutes remaining. In a desperate attempt to claw it back, everyone was thrown forward but Accountancy soaked up the pressure and grabbed two breakaway goals to kill the game off. Accountancy now need just a point from their final game to win the IMG for the first time. Momed kept themselves in
with a slim chance with an injury time winner over the luckless FC Real while Law A followed suit with a highly controversial last minute winner in a seven goal thriller with Torpedo Engin. Ecosoc continued their excellent debut season with a draw against Carbs A. Division 1 saw RPR move into pole position with a fighting win over a gritty Uni Hallstars side, a result that ended Hallstars dream of silverware in their first season. Economics shared the spoils with Carbs B meaning the Carbys must win their final game and hope RPR trip up if they are to take the title. Woka’s impressive run
3 Law A
5 Torpedo Engin
7 Carbs A
8 FC Real
I MG Pos
Division 1 P
2 Carbs B
3 Woka Juniors
6 Uni Hallstars
8 Auxilliary Engin
I MG Pos
Division 2 P
1 M. Madrid
2 Gym Gym
4 Psycho Athletico
6 Cathays FC
7 Law B
8 Myg Myg
I MG Pos
Division 3 P
2 A. Stanley
4 Earth Soc
5 Bute Park Utd
6 W. Wanderers
7 Sawsa FC
8 CU FC
Football Week 1
continued with a fine win over Planathinaikos, despite only having 10 players while History returned to winning ways with a win over basement side Auxilliary Engin. Mathletico Madrid were crowned Division 2 champions after yet another win, this time over Law B. They are the only team in IMG with a 100% record since the Christmas break. Fallen giants Chemsoc were crushed by Psycho Athletico while Gym Gym were held by Planderlecht. At the bottom, Cathays FC heaped further misery on Myg Myg with a comfortable win. Irish will fancy their chances of glory in Division 3 after victory over Sawsa saw them go three points clear with a game to go. Accountington Stanley kept themselves in the hunt with a demolition of Wyvern Wanderers while Pharmacy and Earth Soc both recorded victories.
Football week 2
...it is now! Joy for champions
Billy Lee summarises ACCOUNTANCY ARE IMG Champions 2002/3. They went into their final game with Ecosoc knowing a draw would be enough, but turned in a fine performance to win 5-2 with goals from Ford (2), Postlethwaithe, Hampson and Bonniwell to round off a superb season. Congratulations to manager Jamie Sullivan on his team’s success. Elsewhere in the Premiership, Torpedo Engin threw away a two goal lead to allow Momed a cheeky point with claimed them second place. Law A finished the season in style with a thumping win over Carbs A, while Jomec rounded off their season with victory over FC Real, a team who will be glad to see the back of this season. RPR were crowned
Division 1 Champions in their final season with a fine win over Economics. Goals from Tom James and Billy Lee saw them take command but a late Economics goal set up a nervous last five minutes. Rangers held on however to record victory in their last ever game. You couldn’t write a script better! The result left Carbs B stranded in second place despite a thumping win over Uni Hallstars, although rumours were afoot that some A team players may have played for the B team. An experimental History side was dispatched by Woka while Auxilliary Engin recorded their first win of 2003 with a 4-2 victory over Planathinaikos. Champions Mathletico completed their perfect record with victory over Psycho in Division 2. Chemsoc completed their
second collapse of the year as Gym Gym tanned them 5-1. Cathays finished a difficult first season with a cheering 5-1 thumping of Law B while Planderlecht destroyed Myg Myg 9-0. Irish wrapped up Division 3 with victory over Earth Soc, Ian Welsh was the hero with all three goals. Accountington Stanley finished a bright season with a disappointing defeat against a rejuvenated Pharmacy while Bute Park gave Wyvern a bit of a lesson and Sawsa were triumphant in the battle for the wooden spoon against CU FC. Season over, roll on the Awards Night. It’s on Saturday April 5th in the Great Hall. Tickets are priced £3.50 from the Box Office. Black Tie. Doors open at 7. Free wine and cheap vodka, is their any better combination?!
IMG hots up as competition climaxes Billy Lee reports THE NETBALL Cup has reached the semi final stages. The line-ups are Economics against Cardiff Uni A whilst Psychology face Law A. Economics have made a bit of a meal of it against teams on paper they should have walked over, having had one game go to a replay against
Carbs B and then a fighting win over Law B. However, Cardiff Uni A will fancy their chances of progressing to the final as they beat Economics in their meeting in the Premiership earlier this month. Their run to the semis has been relatively comfortable. The first round saw a demolition of Cplan while the quarter final saw Phist put up
a brave fight (drawing at half time) before losing by 10. If Psycholgy are going to win the cup they are going to have to do it the hard way. A first round victory over Pharmacy, who came third in the Premiership earlier this month, set up a tie against IMG Champions Carbs A. However, with Rach Nichols and Holly Clift in superb form at the back,
Psychology dumped the favourites out of the competition. They meet Law A in the semis. Law have had a fairly comfortable run with a walkover against the Medics in the prelims, then easy wins over Comsoc and Sawsa. They will have to be on form in their next game however, as Psychology really look like the team to beat.
Dancesport quick step to victory CARDIFF DANCESPORT Team became national champions last week when they won the Inter-Varsity Dance Competition 2003 in a very unusual 3-way tie. In the closest finish in the competition’s history, Cardiff’s ballroom and Latin dancers tied for first place with the Oxford and Cambridge teams. The team has made history for the University with this groundbreaking result - in the 40 years of the competition, Cardiff have never won the championship or even been in contention. Cardiff Dancesport have enjoyed a successful year, winning the Southern Friendly
competition in February and being pipped at the post at the annual Warwick competition, losing to Oxford by a single point. This tie with Oxford and Cambridge represents a huge victory for Cardiff University, as Oxford are eight times national champions and Cambridge have won the title five times. In a true show of sportsmanship, the trophy was divided three ways, with Oxford taking the base, Cambridge the lid, and Cardiff claiming the cup itself. “Cardiff have never won at a national level before. We have rarely even made it to the top six in previous years, so
this result is an incredible achievement for us. It just goes to show how hard the team have worked this year to improve. I’m very, very proud”, said team captain Lucilla Scott. Lucilla, who has danced on the team for six years, feels that the tie with Cambridge and Oxford does nothing to detract from the glory of the team. “I have stuck with Cardiff through many a dark year when we felt we had done well to get a single couple in a team final at IVDC, so seeing Cardiff win this year is like seeing my wildest dream come true”
Cardiff Dancesport have been in the public eye a lot recently, as their surprise appearance on Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway boosted publicity for the club. Surprised participants had no idea they were on live TV until Ant and Dec appeared on the screen to offer them the chance to win a briefcase full of money. Lucky team members Michael Evans and Danni Mills waltzed away with £3000 after dancing down the street on live TV. With no national competitions until November, the victory ends the Dancesport calendar on a high note.
Don’t sit on the fence
“it not only improves your waste and tone flabby limbs” says the Express, not to mention giving you a good workout. The Cardiff University fencing teams have done well this year with the men’s team beating all but one of the opponents in their league and the women’s team have managed to get promoted into the same league as Oxford and Cambridge after some excellent
performances. If you fancy taking up this fast growing sport, the team meet at 2.30pm on Wednesday in the Park Place Gym and 6.00pm in Solus on Mondays.
FENCING MAY seem an obscure and outdated sport but it appears that a recent trend would suggest otherwise. Both the press and the entertainment industry have decided that fencing is now an “in” sport, combining mental and physical exercise with good fun. Indeed, “fencing has
just become the hippest sport on the planet” says the Sunday Times. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Antonio Banderas can be seen fencing away in The Mask of Zorro and Pierce Brosnan and Madonna cross swords in Die Another day, not to the mention the duelling. Three Musketeers.On the sport side
sword fighting is cool