gair rhydd - Issue 715

Free Word 715

gairrhydd Cardiff’s Student Weekly

Monday 4 March 2002

HELL’S ANGEL

LOCAL BOY

Features uncover the gory tale of Jack the Ripper

Arts and artist Andre Stitt take the city centre by storm

MIND OVER MATTER Film review A Beautiful Mind

BEST CAMPAIGNING NEWSPAPER IN THE GUARDIAN STUDENT MEDIA AWARDS

Minister slams extravagant students Education Minister tells students to ‘get part time work’ to pay for University studies

by Dominic O’Neill HIGHER EDUCATION Minister Margaret Hodge enraged students last week by saying she was “not too concerned” about them taking on part-time work in addition to their studies.

She admitted that her comments were “controversial” and also revealed that the Government is considering over 70 different options in reforming student support.

Speaking to epolitx.com, she said, “I’m not too concerned about students’ doing part-time work when they are studying. A lot of kids are getting their second chance [of going] into A-level’s now, and there’s no state support for that.

What we’ve got to ensure is that there’s a proper balance so that the work doesn’t impinge on their study.”

Student Union leaders have reacted angrily, however, accusing the minister of not understanding the current student support system.

Ms Hodge pointed to expensive “lifestyle choices” as the reason behind student debt, citing a recent survey that indicated students spend an average of £25 a week on alcohol.

The NUS countered her comments with concrete evidence showing how students’ grades suffer because of part-time work.

A recent survey has also shown that after loan repayments, the average student was left with £13 a week less to live on than a

AGONY

young person on Jobseekers Allowance.

NUS vice president of education, Brooks Duke, said “These comments are quite astonishing coming from an Education Minister and are further proof that the Margaret Hodge does not understand the problems with the current funding system.

“It is no good her citing ‘extravagant’ lifestyles as a defence. It is not the well-off students that are missing lectures and coursework deadlines due to the amount of paid work they are forced to undertake just to keep their heads above water.

He continued “Ms Hodge needs to address the huge disparity between the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’ on campus. Illinformed comments like this do little but suggest the government is a long way from getting things right.”

CRUSHED : Cardiff player feels the pain of defeat

by Chris Wathan CARDIFF SLUMPED to yet another Varsity defeat against Swansea last Wednesday, going down 21-3 at the St. Helens stadium last Wednesday.

The loss means it is the sixth time in as many years that Cardiff have failed to claim the coveted title of ‘Best in Wales’.

Yet the day was still heralded a success with nearly 500 Cardiff fans making the trip down the M4 for the match, while various AU teams successfully combined to capture the Varsity Sports

Shield.

Athletic Union President, Caz Noyes, said, “It’s been a success getting everyone here and the teams have done really well to take the shield. But I am gutted for the boys.”

Noyes’ sentiments were seconded by Union President Tom McGarry.

“It was a successful day in terms of the number of people who came down here. I do feel disappointed for the boys but they’ll come home to a hero’s welcome.”

For a full match report, pictures and interviews turn to sport.

Creative write-off for Uni lecturer

by Lydia Kirby CARDIFF UNIVERSITY lecturers were outraged when a doctor from the Creative Writing Department was dismissed from the MA course he had helped to design.

Associate Lecturer Dr. Colin Evans was given one month’s notice last December after 40 years working at Cardiff University.

In a letter from the new course convener,

Lauri Ramsey, Dr. Evans was told his ‘contribution’ would no longer be required as the University wanted to ‘re-orient’ the course.

She added, “I hope your works for the creative writing course have provided you with enjoyment in your retirement.”

The dismissal of Dr Evans, 64, who was working 5 days a week as an associate lecturer at Cardiff and Birkbeck University,

sparked several members of his department to write letters of complaint to David Skilton, the Head of the Department.

Lecturer Norman Schwenk said, “No one has contributed more to creative writing than Colin Evans.

The casual, brutal and cowardly sacking of Colin Evans has at a stroke underdone years of effort in building morale and a sense of status among part-time teaching

staff.”

However, a spokeswoman for Cardiff University defended Dr, Ramsey’s decision said, “The treatment of Dr. Evans has been fair and entirely consistent with the terms of his employment.”

She added, “The changes are part of the new organisation and ambition for creative writing at Cardiff, which are in the interest of the students.”

INSIDE: YOUR SABBATICAL ELECTIONS 2002 PULLOUT

2 ● News

Briefly...

Sabbatical campaigns CAMPAIGNING FOR the Sabbatical elections began on Friday and will continue until March 14.

Campaigners will be distributing leaflets, visiting lecturers and even disturbing you in the pub in a desperate attempt to win your vote.

Manifestos of each of the candidates can be found in this week’s Gair Rhydd.

AGM: It’s your Union CARDIFF UNION’S Annual General Meeting will take place in the Great Hall on Monday 11 March at 8.30pm.

All students are invited to attend with sports clubs and societies expected to turn out 10 and 5 members respectively.

Societies and Union Secretary, James Sommerville said, "The Vice Chancellor will be giving a speech. We want to show that students care about their Union.”

The big Questions

Monday 4 March 2002, gairrhydd

England expects Graduates urged to get a life Welsh support

by Jane Evans

Owen is the obvious chance for Welsh football fans who want to cheer on a THE FAMILIAR saying “I support two homegrown boy. teams: Wales and whoever is playing First Minister Rhodri Morgan said he England,” can be applied to the would definitely be shouting for England. majority of Welsh rugby supporters Not all politicians, however, have but how do football fans feel about been as sporting. supporting the English?

Plaid Cymru’s Rhodri Glyn Indeed, whether Welsh football Thomas, who chairs the Assembly’s fans are equally as patriotic and Sport and Culture Committee, openly anti-English as their rugby loving stated that he could not bring himself counterparts became the subject of to support the English team and said: political debate last week.

“I definitely wouldn’t want to call on The question, which all Welsh fans to back the old was first raised by the enemy.”

S c o t t i s h Cardiff University’s Nationalist football fans have expressed Party’s Andrew mixed opinions.

Wilson, is Third year Business whether Scottish student David Evans said, and Welsh fans “We should definitely cheer should support England on England. With Wales in the World Cup this out of the World Cup, they summer. are the next best thing.

Welsh politicians were What’s the point of quick to express their supporting a random views. Most agreed that team when the UK is in the absence of Welsh represented?” representation at the Second year Welsh tournament, it would be football fan Gareth preferable to see Williams was England win than any adamant that the other country.

Welsh should remain Wales haven’t loyal, “I couldn’t reached the finals since support England out the 1950’s and many of principle. They’re people want to show far too arrogant and I support for Britain in a hope they get knocked BECKHAM: Should he world contest. out in the first round. get Welsh support?

Welsh born Michael Come on Argentina!”

STUDENTS AT Cardiff are being invited to a discussion group to tackle some of the ‘big’ questions of life.

The Alpha course, running on Thursdays at 6.30 at Daiquiri’s Bar on Salisbury Road, is open to all spiritually-minded students and others from the local community.

Course organiser, Stuart Newland, says, “Basically the Alpha course is a really chilled, no-pressure way of looking into what we believe. There’s free by Lydia Kirby food and great debates.”

More than a third of all adults and children in Wales are living in poverty, recent statistics have revealed.

The report by the Child Poverty Action Group states TWO TIBETAN Nuns, who that 35 per cent of Welsh were tortured in a prison in families can not afford basic Tibet, are coming to Cardiff to necessities such as daily fresh talk about their experiences. vegetables or proper fitting The nuns will be speaking at shoes.

St Germans Church Hall, Star The statistics, based on the Street, on March 18 at 6.30pm. Poverty and Social Exclusion For further information Survey, defined poverty as contact Linda Shaw on 029 being unable to afford two or more essential items.

2088 5861.

The results showed that people in the poorest fifth of society, including 22 per cent of Welsh adults, are more

Welsh Poverty: The facts

Tibetans speak out

gairrhydd Address: Gair Rhydd University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

Telephone: Editorial – (029) 2078 1434/436 Advertising – (029) 2078 1416 E-mail: gair_rhydd@hotmail.com Visitors: Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

MONEY: in demand

likely to suffer ill health and have a life expectancy of almost five years less than those in the most wealthy class.

In Wales 40 per cent of adults reported a long term illness compared to less than 35 per cent in England and Scotland.

The report, ‘Poverty: The Facts’ also claims that children in Wales are far more likely to live in poverty than the rest of their British classmates.

A third of all Welsh children live below the poverty line and 21 per cent live in a workless household.

Shockingly, the report also claimed that children from unemployed families are five times more likely to die from an accident than those at the top end of society.

Labour MP for Monmouth Huw Edwards believes that “poverty still remains a serious problem in Wales” despite effort from the National Assembly to tackle the problem.

Recent schemes such as Communities First, Children First and the Inequalities in Health Fund have received millions of pounds from the Assembly to improve housing, transport and training in the poorest areas of Wales.

by Elizabeth Ireland JOB-SEEKING graduates are being advised to check out how open prospective employers are to work-to-life balance policies before committing to a company.

Recent statistics show that over half of British people work more than the average European and the higher Education Careers Services has asked students to make sure employers are willing to give employees suitable time off.

Attempts to maintain the

STRESS: often work related

balance between work and home life have proved to be the most common forms of stress.

But many companies in the UK still advocate a culture of working long hours and overtime.

Indeed managers are now being encouraged to adopt new approaches that can lead to better effectiveness and productivity.

One of the most common methods is flexitime where employees agree to worker longer periods in busy periods and half days in quieter ones.

Chief executive of the Careers Service Unit, CSU, Mike Hill, said, “Graduates entering the work place don’t want to lead stressful lives and have their work consuming their whole time.”

When looking for a job, careers service Prospects advises students to ask themselves the following questions: What are the basic hours I am expected to work?

What percentage of people work on a flexible basis within the organisation?

What is the company’s attitude to voluntary work?

Can arrangements be made for study leave?

Further information can be found on the webpage www.prospects.ac.uk.

Got a cold or the flu?

Blocked nose, sore throat, headache, aches and pains.....

Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0500 655398 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre.

You will be compensated for your time and travel by a cheque payment at the end of the study

Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

Rise in STI’s in young

by Lydia Kirby

THE NUMBER of sexually transmitted infections (STI) detected in young people is rising dramatically, recent statistics have shown.

According to figures from the Public Health Laboratory Service, STI figures have more than doubled in the United Kingdom over the last five years.

In 2000, 2,388 new cases of chlamydia were treated at genitourinary medicine (GUM) clinics in Wales compared to 1,150 cases in 1996. Cases of gonorrhoea rose from 208 in 1996 to 473 in 2000.

The largest increase in STI’s has been among 16 to 30 year olds and the National Assembly is pushing for greater awareness in this age group.

Beer mats with images of rugby players and slogans such as ‘Protect your prop forward!’ promoting safe sex have been placed in pubs and bars across Wales for the Six Nations rugby season.

Welsh rugby star, Martyn Madden, who plays for Llanelli and the Wales A side, has shown his support for the scheme.

He said, “Quite often issues such as sexually transmitted infections are brushed under the carpet.

I’m sure the beer mats will be the subject of many conversations”.

National Assembly’s sexual health specialist, Suzanne McKeown, added, “Beer mats are often played with and talked about while sitting in a pub having a few drinks. This is a good way of getting the safer sex message to young people, who are the group most affected by STIs.” To raise awareness of sexually transmitted diseases among young people the television soap opera, Hollyoaks, will soon be running a controversial story line where one of the female stars will contract a sexually transmitted disease, an idea welcomed in a recent report from the British Medical Association.

News ● 3

Cardiff nightclubs ‘safer than ever’

by David Lindsell

A TWO year campaign by South Wales Police has seen a dramatic fall in the number of assaults in clubs and pubs in Cardiff city centre.

In a report published by the University of Wales College of Medicine, 65 per cent of nightspots in the city centre showed a decrease in the incidence of serious assaults.

The news was described as “good news for students” by the author and was also welcomed by Community Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane.

PC Keohane said, “The figures are a result of a lot of hard work and prove that Cardiff is becoming a safer city to live in.”

The report’s author, Prof.

Jonathan Shepherd, explained the decrease in violent crime came as a result of “cooperation between accident and emergency departments, the police and government” and also pointed to the police strategy of targeting ‘hotspots’ and training licensees to deal with violent behaviour.

The study was compiled by asking visitors to the casualty department at the Heath Hospital to describe where their assaults took place.

It focuses on nine venues in Cardiff including the Students’

TAFARN: One of the places in Cardiff that has seen a decrease in violence

Union, Liquid, Dylan’s, Reds and Emporium.

Of the nine, six saw a decrease in assaults, two had stayed the same and one saw a slight increase.

The number of assaults that took place in the Students’ Union halved in the period studied from the year 2000 to 2001.

The good results have largely been attributed to the funding received by South Wales Police two years ago from the Home Office. The money was put

Robinson holds key to our subconcious

by Martyn Edwards POPULAR QUIZ show The Weakest Link may help students discover the secret to success in the workplace according to a recently published study.

Psychology academics at the University of California have analysed the show as part of an attempt to learn more about rules of human behaviour.

Professor Priya Raghubir, who led the study, says that in the show players “subconsciously adopt rules and stratagems that we see in every workplace in the world.”

The study concludes that goodlooking men, shy people and contestants who stand closest to Anne Robinson are at the greatest risk of being voted off and that women displayed a far greater ruthless streak than the men on the show.

It also claims that people tended to vote against the members of the opposite sex in early rounds before becoming more tactical later on so as to eliminate potential rivals.

Robinson greeted news of the study with her typical withering scorn. “I know statistics. We’ve worked out that I have done 434 shows and walked

towards several schemes to make central Cardiff safer.

Under the initiative all bouncers now have to have licenses in order to work in the city centre.

All licensed premises in central Cardiff also have direct links to the CCTV control centre so that if any trouble flares the police can monitor the situation.

PC Keohane said, “Because we are often alerted of trouble before it gets out of hand we can usually nip most incidents

More power granted to Assembly

by Mark Cobley

WEAKEST LINK: Could hold the ticket to success in the workplace

127.3 miles across the stages in two countries.”

However, Cardiff student Simon Jones was more willing to accept the findings of the study.

“It’s quite likely that, in the stress of the competition, the contestants don’t have time to think and so pick someone

for some subconcious reasons.”

The Weakest Link has proved to be one of British TV’s most profitable exports.

With 79 countries broadcasting various versions it has recently eclipsed the global success of its nearest rival Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

in the bud.”

Since extra funds have been spent on policing the centre reported assaults have fallen by 50 per cent and the number of arrests for public order offences have increased by 50 per cent.

PC Keohane said, “The Saturday night before the Worthington Cup Final last month was one of the busiest of the year.”

“We had 50,000 people drinking in the centre but only 18 arrests”

THERE WERE signs last week that the Government may be making plans to extend the powers of the Welsh Assembly.

Facing a Lords Commission on the progress of devolution last week, John Prescott said he “believed that further powers would be transferred from Westminster to Cardiff in the future.”

The Assembly has already proved itself popular with Welsh students, who have seen the student grant reintroduced for poorer students and a bond bank scheme established in Cardiff with Assembly money.

However, politicians claim that the Assembly’s lack of powers and resources is the main reason why the grant

was not extended to more Welsh students, and why tuition fees remain in Wales.

When announcing the new grant, Liberal Democrat AM Mike German said, “We would like to abolish tuition fees but, without the support of Westminster, the Assembly doesn’t yet have the power.”

Mr Prescott maintained that the constitutional revolution had been a success although it was still “bedding down.”

However, he also said that the roles of the Welsh and Scottish Secretaries would remain.

“They do OK. With Wales there is so much legislation being done at Westminster, so it is important they are effective. They play a useful role and at this stage we have no intention of replacing them.”

4 ● News

Monday 4 March 2002, gairrhydd

New horizon for Cardiff

gairrhydd Editorial

Varsity Blues I’d like to begin this week by saying well done to our rugby boys for putting up such a great fight in the Varsity match in Swansea last week.

Even though we lost the actual match, Cardiff University sports teams did well enough overall to beat Swansea to the Varsity Sports Shield.

I’m writing this on St. David's Day, which is appropriate as the Varsity match is an example of what Welsh universities, or universities as a whole, can achieve when they work together.

The re-introduction of student grants in Wales came about through the constant campaigning from Student Union’s across the country, which just shows that when we are all heading in the same direction we can achieve so much.

I was glad to see the great sportsmanship between the two teams on and off the pitch, and hope that the event will be as much as success next year.

And hopefully Cardiff will end their losing streak soon.

Racial Politics A story that has made me think about the changing roles of Student Union’s across the country is the news that Manchester University are moving to boycott Israeli products.

The issue is treading the fine line between campaigning about what we feel is right and just, and representing and looking after the welfare of students.

It is important that Union’s are seen to be campaigning on issues that students feel are important, but should this be at the expense of another group of students that could be adversely affected if the campaign goes ahead?

I will be watching this story carefully, as the precedent that it could set could have repercussions for all Student Union’s

by Dominic O’Neill

AFTER FIVE YEARS of delay, building has at last begun on the £104m Wales Millennium Arts Centre in Cardiff Bay. It is hoped the building, which will house the nation’s most prestigious arts groups including the Welsh National Opera, will rival some of the world’s greatest landmarks.

Funded by the Millennium Lottery Commission and the

National Assembly, it is to be built exclusively from traditional Welsh materials including North Wales slate and wood.

Giant roman-style letters are to form windows towards the sea, proclaiming, “Creu Gwir Fel Gwydr O Ffwrnais Awen,” meaning, “In these Stones Horizons Sing.”

The huge project has encountered a number of financial and planning difficulties since it was first

conceived in 1997. It is now expected to open in 2004.

Many hope it will represent a central ‘selling point’ in Cardiff ’s bid to become European Capital of Culture in 2008.

Assembly Minister for Culture and Central Cardiff AM, Jenny Randerson commented, “Our goal has now been realized and the project is well and truly on track.

She continued, “You just

have to think about the symbolism of it. This is an exciting and historic moment for the people of Cardiff and indeed for the whole of Wales.”

The project enjoys almost universal political support, but Labour AM Peter Law, one of only two Assembly Ministers to vote against the project, said it was “obscene” to spend millions of pounds of public money on the building.

ARTIST’S IMPRESSION: How the arts centre will look

Welsh politicians plan Union visit

by Mark Cobley THE CREAM of Welsh politics is coming to Cardiff Students’ Union next week to debate the subject of the Euro.

The debate, organised by Wales in Europe in conjunction with the Young European Movement Students’ society, will be held in the Students’ Union on March 7 .

The debate, entitled “The Euro –Good or Bad for Wales?” will be a cross-party affair with both pro and anti views welcomed.

Mike German, leader of the Liberal Democrats in the Assembly will be speaking along with Labour Deputy Economic Development Minister John Griffiths.

The Conservatives will be represented

by Glyn Davies, Mid and West Wales

AM, and Plaid Cymru’s Phil Williams, the shadow Economic Development spokesperson will also be speaking.

The debate is to be held at 8pm in the Student Development Unit on the second floor of the Union.

Ceri Williams of Wales in Europe said, “This will be a great opportunity for students to come and air their views on the single currency, as well as perhaps learning something about it and what the parties stand for.”

Emily Warren of the student society the Young European Movement also encouraged students to attend.

She said, “Come along and take part in the debate. It’s a very important issue and we’d like to know what you think.”

2nd year Biology student Eric Wood said, “I don’t really have an opinion on the euro, so I might go along to this debate to find out more.”

Students spark Israeli debate

by Abbie Jackson and Aimee Bryant A DEBATE raging at Manchester University has sparked fears that the bitterness of the Middle East conflict is spilling over to British campuses.

Last Wednesday hundreds of Manchester University students demonstrated outside their Students’ Union against a controversial human rights motion being debated at the Union’s General Meeting.

If passed, the motion will implement a number of sanctions against Israel by the Union, such as a boycott of Israeli goods, and of businesses which sell

Israeli goods, for example Marks & Spencer and Selfridges.

The campaign has been fuelled by the Israeli government’s actions against the Palestinians, which some groups attack as resembling racist policies such as apartheid.

In support of the proposal, President of Manchester University’s Islamic society Wakkas Khan hopes that it could “create a general awareness of what is an abuse of the Palestinians in Israel.”

Further backing for the motion comes from pro-Palestinian groups and the Socialist Workers Students society.

On the other side of the argument, the National Union of Students opposes the

GERMAN: Will speak at Union

motion saying that it will make Jewish students feel threatened.

Speaking on behalf of Manchester University’s Jewish society, Daniel Kahtan argued, “If Israel is officially condemned as being racist by the Students’ Union then presumably its supporters are also racist according to that legislation.”

Manchester student Elizabeth Carter believes if the motion were passed tensions would mount within the university.

She said, “When you start banning goods from Israel it’s going to annoy lots of students who have links with the country. I think the Union should allow students to make up their own minds and not force us into this ban.”

Manchester University was previously at the centre of political and racial controversy in September, when police were called to the freshers’ fair in connection with a stall set up by hard-line Muslim activists.

At time of going to press, the outcome of the General Meeting was unknown. However, the controversy is unlikely to diminish, given Manchester’s large Jewish and Islamic student populations.

News ● 5

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

The Week In Print

Death of two British stars

by Michael Pearlman ACTOR JOHN Thaw, star of Inspector Morse and The Sweeney, has died at the age of 60 after a long fight with cancer.

He had been battling cancer of the oesophagus and died last Thursday at his home in Wiltshire.

Thaw has long been seen as a bright light of the British small screen and received his BAFTA fellowship last year.

Thaw had been planning to return to work after his cancer treatment and had been in script talks with the makers of Kavanagh QC, just a week before his death.

It was the role of tough talking cop Jack Regan in The Sweeney that first brought Thaw to the attention of the public.

However, he is probably best remembered for his portrayal as Inspector Morse, the complex detective created by writer Colin Dexter.

The role began in 1985 and was to span 15 years until the character was killed off in

2000, in front of an audience of 13 million people.

Thaw is survived by his wife, actress Sheila Hancock, who herself overcame breast cancer 13 years ago, and three daughters.

Hancock admitted that her husband had been “overwhelmed by the thousands of letters and messages from people wishing him well”.

Another loss to the world of entertainment last week was comedian Spike Milligan, who died of liver failure at the age of 83. He had been suffering

from ill health for a long while.

Milligan was known to millions as one of the founding members of the Goon Show, along with Peter Sellars and was a critically acclaimed author who had written over 50 books. He also made countless stage performances and appeared on TV and radio.

His brother Desmond stated that his brother “had a lasting effect on British humour,” while fellow comedian Paul Merton described him as “a genius of black humour”.

CLASSIC: Sven-Goran (right) swaps football for the orchestra

by Dominic O’Neill ENGLAND’S FOOTBALL manager is making a bid to break into the music industry this week with the release of the ‘Sven-Goran Erikson Classical Collection’ CD. The Swede hopes to attract his adopted nation’s sympathies by showing a taste for aged English composers such as Elgar, Delius and Purcell.

Although he failed to remember the words to ‘God Save the Queen’ in his first match, fans must now be reconciled with the presence of patriotic melodies such as ‘Rule Britannia’ and ‘Jerusalem’ on the CD.

The three CD set starts with four Elgar works including ‘Nimrod’ from the Enigma variations and continues with ‘The Dam Busters March’ and compositions from Coates, Holst and Handel.

Anthony Anderson of Naxos music said the tunes “very much reflect the themes of Sven’s football life.”

The presence of ‘The Dam Busters March’ has however been questioned. Some fear it could lead to tensions with opposition supporters if fans become attached to the tune. FA chief executive Adam Crozier said, “I worry about 80,000 drunken idiots doing the Dambusters when Germany come over here.We’ve got to cut it out.”

STUDENT VOLUNTEERING CARDIFF THAW: In his role as the famous detective Morse

News Shorts • News Shorts

by Mark Cobley Pop Idol’s Gareth Gates is to go head to head with George Michael with his debut single.

Both stars’ much anticipated records will be released on March 18.

Michael’s decision was a surprise to many as it was expected that the former Wham! star might change the release date of his comeback single ‘Freeek’ to avoid clashing.

However, his record label Polydor has decided to stick with the planned schedule.

G a r e t h ’s debut release will be a cover of the Righteous Brothers’ hit ‘Unchained Melody’.

MICHAEL: Ready to take on the almost pop idol

Classic switch for England Manager

As Steve Owen departs the UK’s most depressing soap in a nailbiting car chase, it is

revealed that l i f e ex p e c t a n c y on Albert Square is at least 30 years less than the average in the UK. On average characters only make it to 45-yearsold. However, the survey, by LEAVE IT: No wonder the R e a d e r ’ s ‘Enders all die so young D i g e s t magazine, points out that they’re better off than the hapless characters of Channel 4’s Brookside, who live to an average of just 24.

That is 14 years younger than in Sierra Leone, the country with the worst life expectancy in the world. On average, Britons make it to 77. Untimely deaths on EastEnders include Tiffany under the wheels of Frank’s car, Cindy Beale in childbirth in prison and Ashley Cotton in a motorbike accident.

AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY WORKING IN THE STUDENT VOLUNTEERING OFFICE University Union, Park Place, Cardiff You will be the

PROJECT WORKER (LEARNING DISABILITY) Salary Point 9 - £11654 (pro rata)

The post is a full time fixed term position starting 2nd September 2002 ending 2nd May 2003

You will be working in an enthusiastic, busy office. Your responsibilities will include co-ordinating the Home and Away project, recruiting, training and supporting volunteers; meeting the families of children and young people with a learning difficulty, and liaising with social work teams. You will be part of a friendly, caring team committed to providing volunteering opportunities and also gain valuable experience to further your future career.

Further information and application pack may be obtained from The Student Volunteering Office, 3rd Floor University Union, Park Place, Cardiff.

Tel No. 029 2034 3474. E-mail Darea@cardiff.ac.uk.

THE CLOSING DATE FOR THE POST IS 1.00PM MONDAY 18th MARCH 2002 INTERVIEWS WILL BE HELD WEDNESDAY 20TH MARCH 2002

Programme until Thursday 7th March 2002. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

Oceans 11 (12)

Hearts In Atlantis (12)

11.45 12.50 2.30 3.20 5.10 6.00 7.50 8.50 - Daily Subtitled Print of Oceans 11 Wednesday Only - 8.10 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 10.40

(Advance Screenings - Thursday Only) 11.45 2.15 4.45 8.20

Bully (18)

11.55 3.00 6.00 9.00 (Fri & Sat Only) 11.40 2.40 5.40 8.40 (Sun - Thu Only) Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.50

11.55 2.50 5.50 8.50 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.40

Iris(15)

11.00 1.15 3.40 6.00 8.20

Just Visiting (PG) 10.45 1.40 - Sat & Sun Only

Gosford Park (15) 11.10 2.00 5.00 8.00

Vanilla Sky (15) 9.10 - Daily except Wed

Shallow Hal (12)

11.30 2.30 5.30 - Daily except Sat & Sun 8.40 - Daily except Sat, Sun & Wed 6.25 9.10 - Sat & Sun Only

Senior Citizen Club Thursday Morning

Runaway Bride (15) Start 11.00 End 1.00

The Mothman Prophecies (12)

Don’t Say A Word (15) (11.30 - Not Sat & Sun) 2.45 5.50 8.40 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.30

From Hell (18)

11.20 2.50 - Daily except Sat, Sun & Thu 5.50 9.15 - Daily except Thu Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.50

Amelie (15)

11.15 2.10 - Daily except Sat, Sun & Wed 5.50 - Daily except Wed

Monster Inc (U)

10.15 11.00 12.45 1.30 3.15 4.00 - Sat & Sun Only 11.55 5.00 8.15 - Daily 2.30 - Daily except Wed Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 10.30

Gair Rhydd Film Club Wed Only Hannibal (18) 2.00

The Shipping News (15) (Advance Screenings - Wed Only) 11.30 2.20 5.10 8.15

Ali (15) 11.50 4.00 7.40 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.10

A Beautiful Mind (12) 11.00 2.15 5.20 8.30 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.30

Charlotte Gray (15) 11.05 - Daily except Wed & Thu 2.00 - Daily except Wed 5.00 8.00 - Daily

Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone (PG) Sat & Sun Only 11.30

Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring (PG) 11.40 3.50 7.20 Late night show - Fri & Sat Only 11.30

UGC Kids Saturday Morning

Babe (U) Starts 10.00 Ends 11.30

Any screening £2.95 for students with valid NUS Card.

Letters ● 7

gairrhydd, Monday 4th March 2002

Letter of the Week The author of this week’s Letter of the Week wins a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

Dear Gair Rhydd, Wandering past the back of the Union yesterday I saw numerous Socialist Worker posters emblazoned over a doorway proclaiming, in regards to the recent train strikes, ‘victory for the workers!’.

This supposed ‘victory’ reminded me of an incident I witnessed in London a while back. Wandering down to the shops, a man ahead of me was confronted by another who loudly offered him one of the socialist worker pamphlets he was brandishing. He curtly replied, without breaking his stride, ‘contradiction in terms.’

Needless to say, I think this comment epitomises perfectly the value of our ‘crusading’ socialist workers.

Yours, A very hard working, studious (Conservative) student.

P.S. Isn’t it strange that they have so much time to put up so many posters.

Well, a very interesting story I’m sure *not so stifled yawn*. Now, I'm not a socialist (God forbid), or of any other political orientation.

However, I do treat with great scepticism any letter where the writer promotes his own. This chap? Did he have a suit made in Saville Row, a Landrover and enjoy shooting holidays in the Cotswolds? You see, it is easy to cast ill educated judgement on a ‘lower class philosopher’ when you’re sat atop the money pile, but when you’re at the bottom, its a whole different perspective. At least the socialist is doing something useful with his spare time, rather than spending it with Miss Whiplash and her leathery friends. Your comments please.

Striking a Blow Dear Gair Rhydd, As a 'bastard male' I would like to have my say and defend the men, like myself, who are supportive of feminist movements.

I pride myself on keeping abreast of issues of sexual equality.

Indeed, a great favourite of mine is female boxing. I am all for this.

The other day I was watching the build-up to a fight between two wenches when one of the fighters promised the public that her opponent would be 'going down' in

the 4th round. Imagine my frustration when she was knocked out in the 3rd round and the public were deprived of watching a female boxer 'go down' in what would have been a fantastic spectacle that could only have reaped positive rewards for the movement that is women's boxing.

Tom Goold 1st year Journo

justify it with the cover of a ‘profem’ mask. I also can’t help but feel this letter is going to reopen the oldest wound on the body that is the Letters page. Cant we all just get it on - Er, I mean along?

wouldn’t have been out of place in 17th Century England, and we all know what happened then, don't we. Won’t any body take the middle ground? Won’t anyone think of the children?

More Monarchy

Lesby Friends

Dear Gair Rhydd, After having just read Bat’s letter (GR 713) I am filled with dismay.

Of course, everybody is entitled to their own opinions on the Royal Family, but to launch a vitriolic attack on Hywel Carr is unjustified. On the contrary, it is you Bat who gives politics students a bad name with your overopinionated, ultra-socialist attitudes.

While this country may not have treated colonial citizens in the same way as UK residents, Bat must be forced to agree that the tyrannical despotic leaders who have replaced the colonial government have in fact mistreated their own people worst of all.

Personally, I feel grateful to live in a prosperous country with an excellent standard of living for all and descent prospects. Bearing in mind that 80% of the world’s population goes to sleep hungry each night, this standard of living should be a right. Unfortunately it is not. It is a privilege.

To me, Bat, you sound wholly ungrateful and selfish. You are blind to the fact that the ‘Great’ in Great Britain and its international status has been galvanised by the leadership qualities of monarchs like William of Orange, Queen Victoria and now Queen Elizabeth II. You should be asking what you can give back to society, not looking for the next thing to get out of it.

Yours sincerely, Tim Acheson

I too am an advocate of female sports, or indeed any situation that involves women sweating and panting a lot (easy fella...).

However, I certainly don't try to

Okay. This is obviously both a relevant and important debate here, what with the Queen’s Jubilee coming up. However, the extreme views expressed so far by each side

Dear Gair Rhydd, "Les-bi-ans! Les-bi-ans! Les-bians!" No, this wasn’t football-chant like support, but teasing!

The scene: Post Lash on a Cathays street corner. Two girls embracing and consoling one another. They are best friends, and have no inhibitions about displaying affection, wherever and whenever it is needed. Several groups of sad, shallow, porn-loving loser boys feel they have to point and laugh and label the girls as lesbians, all because they couldn’t contain their excitement at an innocent but rare display of pubic affection between females. It should be noted that the girls were fully dressed at the time, and no tongues were used. Ultimately, they are not lesbians, but it is not something they don’t aspire to be if men continue to be such disappointments.

The facts: Minor Public Displays of Affection, or M.P.D.A’s, whether homosexual, heterosexual, platonic or passionate, shouldn’t lead observers to get uncomfortable or excited, because this only gives rise to misconceptions. People shouldn’t be so fucking small minded.

Yours affectionately, Karon Lash and Rhona Salk Hear hear! I can’t agree enough with the point this letter is trying to make. If we were more continental, with M.P.D.A’s being common place, life would probably be a lot better.

It seems to me that living in a society that actively encourages people to become more and more isolated from eachother is not only damaging but very sad. Show your friends that you care and give them a big hug right now. Go on. You’ll feel much better.

MK Madness Dear Gair Rhydd, I have a confession to make. I am an addict. The subject of my addiction? Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64! OK, so it’s a crap console at the end of its life but MK has to be the greatest game ever made!

High speed racing, cool weapons, superb levels and some bizarre characters that you just wish you could be (maybe) – this game has it all. I’m so addicted that I’ve even coined a new medical term – "MK Hand" – to describe the numb feeling in my hand after along session on the gamepad.

Tell me I’m alone in this addiction and I’ll go away and check into some kind of clinic.

Yours lovingly, Carlos You are not alone. From somebody who already knows what its like to fail a year because of MK addiction – GET HELP NOW!

Bubble Trouble Dear Gair Rhydd, I am writing a letter to complain about the bubble in the floor of the tiling in the Union (the one on the landing of the steps leading to the Union shop).

The thing is I am compelled to stepping on it and so is everyone else that sees it. This might pose a danger as it is right at the point where the upper and lower parts of the steps converge, therefore I see it as an accident waiting to happen.

Plus stepping on it makes me late for my morning lectures, sometimes I spend up to 15 minutes just rocking back and forth on its bubbly goodness. Please remove it before I fail my degree.

Thank you awfully, John Gillard, Second year Geology Oh dear God...

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword

Welcome to the emotional roller-coaster ride that is the GR crossword. Invest half an hour of your invaluable time and earn yourself a free feed.

ACROSS: 2. Spoke indistinctly (7) 7. Congeal (4) 8. Press clothes (4) 9. Outshine a co-performer (7) 10. Overt (4) 12. Try out (4) 15. False statement (3) 16. Be present (6) 18. Senior Girl Guide (6) 20. Inborn (6) 22. Mark of social disgrace (6) 23. Cut the ends or top of something (3) 27. Irritable (4) 29. Worry (7) 30. Circular plate (4) 31. Irish language (4) 32. Equipment for a draught animal (7)

DOWN: 1. Petticoat (4) 2. Stupefy (4) 3. Left in stock (6) 4. Harvester (6) 5. Eating regime (4) 6. Opposite of profit (4) 10. Loud prolonged applause (7) 11. No longer in existence (7) 13. Occupied (7) 14. Deep and guttural (7) 17. Mesh for catching fish (3) 19. Fitting (3) 21. Magic potion (6) 22. Circular, solid ball (6) 25. Neglect to include (4) 26. Everyone separately considered (4) 27. Hooks and _____, fasteners (4) 28. Flow in a torrent (4) Get your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. 713’s winner was Elizabeth Kurzik. Fair play to you.

713’s solution: ACROSS: 7.Client; 8.Afresh; 9.Awl; 10.Lament; 11.Vigour; 12.Eve; 14.Shyer; 17.Octet; 19.Usual; 20.Cabin; 23.Dream; 26.The; 28.Efface; 29.Magnet; 30.Nub; 31.Acquit; 32.Eulogy. DOWN: 1.Bleach; 2.Severe; 3.State; 4.Halve; 5.Tragic; 6.Assure; 13.Vouch; 15.Yob; 16.Run; 17.Old; 18.Tie; 21.Affect; 22.Icarus; 24.Regale; 25.Avenge; 26.Tenth; 27.Ember.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ I wish I was in . . . . . . . . . . . . .because:_________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway

04.0.02

Focus

The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 715

Jack the Ripp-off?

Inspired by From Hell, the historically fantastical Depp film, Aditi Bhati uncovers the legend behind the myth, and puts the microscope on the infamous serial killer, Jack the Ripper

J

ack the Ripper. Few names in history are as instantly recognisable. Fewer still evoke such vivid images: noisome courts and alleys, black, dusty cabs and gaslights, swirling fog, steam rising from the rank gutters, prostitutes caked and decked in the tawdriest of finery, the distant cry of newsboys and silent, cold death personified in the cape, hunched figure of a faceless shadow of the night, taller in a black gentleman’s hat and armed with a long knife.

Why then, over a hundred years later, are there allegedly more books written on Jack than all of the American Presidents combined? Why are there stories, songs, operas, movies and a never-ending stream of books on this one Victorian criminal?

By today’s crime standards, Jack the Ripper would barely make the headlines, murdering a mere five prostitutes in a huge slum area buzzing with petty and psychotic criminals: just one more violent creep satisfying his perverted needs on the dregs of society. We have become a society numbed by horrible crimes. We experience shock if there is not at least one murder, a couple of rape stories and a ‘guess who’s the paedophile’ quiz in the newspaper, broad-sheet or tabloid.

But dear old Jack represents the classic whodunit. Not only is his case an enduring unsolved mystery that professional and amateur sleuths have tried to solve for over a hundred years, but the story has a terrifying, almost supernatural quality to it. He comes from out of the fog, kills violently, and disappears without a trace. Then for no apparent reason, he satisfies his blood lust with ever-increasing ferocity, culminating in the near destruction of his final victim, and then vanishes from the scene forever.

The perfect recipe for the perennial thriller.

If you’ve recently seen the new 20th Century Fox production, From Hell, starring Johnny Depp and Heather Graham, you may be wondering: was the film historically accurate? The answer is more complex than a simple yes or no. In many ways it was very true to life, particularly in its recreation of Whitechapel and its portrayal of the everyday lives of its inhabitants. In others aspects, however, the storyline swerved dramatically from the facts.

‘Jack the Ripper’ is the name given to a serial killer who killed a number of prostitutes in the East End of London in 1888. The name originates from a letter written by someone who claimed to be the killer published at the time of the murders.

The killings took place within a mile area and involved the districts of Whitechapel, Spitalfields, Aldgate, and the City of London proper. He was also called the Whitechapel Murderer and ‘Leather Apron’ (obviously much thought was not given to the pet names that would be used not-so affectionately, years from then).

Jack the Ripper has remained popular for a lot of reasons. He was not the first serial killer, but he was probably the first to appear in a large metropolitan city at a time when the general populace had become literate and the media held the power to shape reality in any way it liked.

Every day the activities of the Ripper were chronicled in the newspapers as were the results of the inquiries and the actions taken by the police. It was the press coverage that made this series of murders a ‘new thing’, something that the world had never known before.

In an attempt to assign a motive to these terrible murders, one can only list some of the suspects that have been implicated into the ‘Ripper’ legend over the years. These theories range from the plausible to the outlandish: Jill/Jane/Julie the Ripper – Mad Midwife. It has been suggested that the perpetrator of these violent crimes may have been a woman practising abortion techniques which would go in some part to explain the brutal mutilations undertaken.

Montague John Druitt – A failed lawyer whose body was found in the River Thames in December 1888. This coincided with the sudden end of the savage murders.

Severin Klosowski – A Polish immigrant who changed his name to George Chapman upon his arrival in London, and deserving a sub-section all for himself (wife poisoner), he was labelled (but later retracted) as being Jack the Ripper when arrested by Frederick Abberline (in charge of the Ripper atrocities at the time).

Dr. Roslyn D’Onston Stephenson – An author and magician who preferred to keep his own activities to himself was branded the murderer by theorising that the murders were committed as part of some secret initiation/ritual process (5 murders ties in with the belief that the pentagram symbol can be used to channel power to individuals). This belief may have faded over time were it not for Stephenson ‘disappearance’ sometime in 1904.

HRH Prince Albert Victor – Scandal has always been welcome at the expense of royalty, which is exactly what happened to Queen Victoria’s grandson and the spate of East End murders. It has been suggested that Prince Albert, directly or indirectly, had knowledge of who was involved in the murders. Others who may have been instigators of the murders themselves include Sir William Gull (the royal physician), Walter Sickert (an artist) and John Netley (a royal coachman in service). The murders were apparently committed to prevent any ‘loose ends’ involving a Prince’s indiscretion, an illegitimate child and future blackmail attempts.

James Kenneth Stephen – directly linked to Prince Albert by way of being his tutor at Cambridge, it has been claimed he was the

murderer due to his homosexuality culminating into a pathological hatred of women in general.

Dr. Thomas Neil Cream – A serial-killer himself (lady poisoner both abroad and in Europe), his link with the ‘Ripper’ legacy is that he blurted out “I am Jack...” just as he was hanged.

James Maybric – Perhaps being one of the most important developments to arise from continued Whitechapel investigations was the surfacing of the infamous ‘Jack the Ripper Diary’ in which the self-confessions of the purported murderer are laid out in an almost enigmatic fashion, with pages torn out and passages scribbled out.

So, just like Shakespeare’s literature of thick, passionate emotions like love and vengeance still attracts people, similarly, the raw emotion of curiosity in us will always keep fresh in history, and even legend, the figure of Ripper the killer, forever.

“He comes out from the fog, kills violently, and disappears without a trace”

INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: The outrageous beauty regimes of the stars examined • A day in the life of a Business student • How to get into the magazine world from someone who’s done it • The Milosevic trial

Gair Rhydd Monday 4th March 2002

10 • Focus

I want that job...!

Finding a job after graduation is always difficult, but it’s especially hard for media wannabies. In the first of a series of career columns, Charlotte–Anne Fidler, Style Director of Glamour magazine, tells gair rhydd how she did it What did you study at university?

Philosophy and Theology at Oxford – a fantastic degree.

Do you think that going to a good university improved your career prospects?

I think it impressed them at Vogue. To get a job at Vogue you had to be one or more of the following: very well connected, very beautiful or very well-educated.

Would you have been or felt at a disadvantage had you not been at Oxford?

Oxford gave me a certain ‘glamour’. It was important to have a certain glamour to get a job at Vogue – they were very good at spotting this in people.

I certainly wasn’t wellconnected and I don’t know about the beauty thing so I suppose it’s lucky I went to Oxford.

Did you have an idea of what you wanted to be at university?

No I didn’t, but when I look back now I’d had ‘magazine editor’ written all over me from the age of about 14. I voraciously read Vogue (and US Vogue when I could get hold of it), and Harpers and Queen (Nicolas Coleridge’s version which was cool and excellent) and Tina Brown’s fabulous Tatler. I knew the names of all the fashion editors, all the photographers and all the models.

At school I had a file of tearsheets of stories and images I thought were interesting. I used to bore my friends with my tearsheets. I loved clothes; I worked during the holidays at Kenzo in Sloane St so I could buy what I wanted. Sounds pretentious now, but I went to tutorials in Vivienne Westwood and Yohji Yamamoto and I had an amazing early John Galliano muslin ‘angel’ dress that I wore to all the university balls. My clothes are much more boring now...

Were you involved with student media?

I found ‘student media’ very scary. At Oxford it was dominated by very confident boys who had their eyes set on Fleet St. I forced myself to go to one meeting at Cherwell (the university newspaper) and felt too intimidated to say anything. I remember a university careers officer saying at the end of my third year that the way into journalism was through local newspapers and that I didn’t stand a chance of getting this sort of job because I hadn’t worked for Cherwell. (Features Ed – It’s not, of course, scary at gair rhydd.)

What was your first job after uni?

I was very specific. I didn’t want to work on a local newspaper I wanted to work on a big glossy magazine. I wrote to three: Vogue, ELLE and Harper’s and Queen.

ELLE told me there was nothing. Harper’s

interviewed me for a job which I didn’t get. Vogue called me in for an interview. I remember my mouth was so dry I could hardly speak.

I’d read every issue of Vogue for the last two years to prepare but they didn’t quiz me at all. They were obviously just checking me out. They gave me some fashion captions to write and sent me away. I worked in Joseph as a sales girl to make some money. Joseph found out that I was interested in fashion writing so he got me to do the fashion blurb on his new season’s brochure. I sent that into Vogue.

They called me in again – another vague

interview. In the May after I left Oxford, Vogue called and said they wanted to put me on ‘trial’: three months at £60 a week.

My ‘big break’ came when the editor’s (Liz Tilberis, a fashion legend, who died a couple of years ago) assistant hurt her back and I had to fill in. Liz decided she liked me so they gave me a job.

How did you come to the position you are in today?

I spent almost five years at Vogue. Things move very slowly there. No-one leaves so it’s very hard to move up. I was an assistant most of the time, writing everything from beauty to living, health to gardening, but not writing very much. I was desperate to write more.

A job came up at Marie Claire as Beauty Writer so I took a salary cut (not an easy thing when you’re earning £16,000) and went there for ten months under Glenda Bailey. Then Cosmopolitan’s Beauty Director Karena Callen (who had been on the ELLE launch team) poached me as Beauty Editor. I remember the then Cosmo editor Marcelle D’Argy Smith offered me the job

on the spot. She said ‘You write beautifully; you can dance; you have great legs. You’ve got the job.’ It was a BIG salary rise. I took the job. Glenda Bailey was very angry. She called me from the Milan fashion shows to try to make me change my mind. She said I was ‘throwing my career down the drain’.

It was a risk to go from a fashion glossy to a more commercial title but it paid off.

Karena got pregnant so I found myself shooting 25 page fashion specials on my own (I’d never styled a shoot before).

When the ELLE Beauty Director job came up I went for it and got it. It was great working with big photographers and models. After a year I started doing their covers. Then the whole celebrity thing happened and I became their big celebrity stylist.

This was hard work. Four days notice to shoot Jennifer Aniston and three of her friends (i.e. rails and rails of clothes). After five years I was feeling pretty burnt out.

As soon as I heard that Glamour was launching I called the editor. Now I do three days a week at Glamour as Style Director overseeing the fashion and beauty pages (and shooting both). The idea is that I have more time to ‘have a life’. The reality is that US Glamour have started using me so I spend all my ‘free time’ flying to New York to shoot for them.

Is it as glamourous as you hoped or as people portray it? All parties, champagne and gift bags?

Yes, it is glamorous. You get to stay in beautiful hotels and fly in helicopters and go to fabulous parties full of beautiful people. You get to see Catherine Zeta Jones in her thong and have a laugh with Jennifer Aniston about her funny shoes.

I’ve worn borrowed Versace dresses, danced next to Madonna and drunk from Jack Nicholson’s glass of bourbon. I’ve been given so many beauty products that there is an avalanche everytime I open the cupboard at home.

But my job is also lonely and very stressful. I spend hours on planes on my own (always in Economy). I’ve cried in the loo on shoots, I’ve been pushed around by photographers and bodyguards at fashion shows. I was stuck in New York with a ringside view of the Twin Towers on September 11th. I’ve missed birthdays and anniversaries and countless weekends. I might be on a fabulous Caribbean island

but I’m always counting the days until I can get back home. The glamour wears thin. I’d swap all of it for more time at home with my husband.

What would you recommend to students at Cardiff University who wish to break into journalism?

I can only talk about magazine journalism.

My tip is to decide which sector you want to work in – fashion, celebrity, teen, mens, etc. It helps to narrow the field. Pick something you’re really interested in, not something you think you should be interested in. Then try to get work experience for at least a month some time in your final year. Work experience is usually unpaid so it can be hard, but it will give you a great insight into the workings of the magazine. And it will give you contacts.

Magazine journalism is all about contacts. Make them and keep them up.

While you’re working there do anything they ask you and do it with good grace.

Look good – see what the people around you look like and adapt your style (if you look like them, they’ll think you fit in). Be fast and efficient and upbeat. Don’t ask them when they’re going to give you a feature to write/ shoot/ style (they’ll think that you’ve got too much attitude). Read loads of magazines and have loads of ideas.

After you leave, call or better still, email regularly. Send your contact stuff you’re doing, ask if they need any ideas or freelance pieces. If you’re lucky, you’ll be at the top of their minds when a job comes up. Be prepared to earn a pittance for several years while your banker and lawyer friends are raking in the money.

Comfort yourself with the thought that you earn money doing something fun and glamorous and that at dinner parties your stories about Posh Spice’s awful skin will be far more scintillating than their stories about merging conglomerates.

And lastly, who are the best and worst celebrities that you have come across?

Best: Catherine Zeta Jones – she was a real star. She arrived looking amazing, laughed all the time and loved all the clothes (it’s a stylist’s nightmare if the celeb hates the clothes).

She talked openly on the phone to Michael so we could all eavesdrop, knew how to move, was up for trying anything for a shot and was full of energy.

Worst: I won’t say who. But I couldn’t find out what size she was because she’d just had a baby. When she turned up she was twice as big as I’d anticipated. I could only get one pair of trousers to fit past her thighs. She spent so much time with the hair and make-up artists that we had only an hour and a half to do the shoot. She kept staring at herself in a mirror behind the photographer, had no energy and she refused to smile

Coming up – The lads behind BlushingBuyer.com tell us about their successes since graduating from Cardiff Uni.

Focus • 11

The skinny brigade

Gair Rhydd Monday 4th March 2002

In this image-orientated society we are constantly comparing ourselves to celebrity images in the media. How do they do it? How do they look so perfect? Charlotte Spratt has the secrets of the stars

Impossible beauty? Not with all that money in the bank

I

n this media-fuelled, non-stop, party allhours society, image has become everything.

From our clothes to our hairstyles, hundreds of judgements are passed on us each day from the passer-by in the street to the job interviewer. For a celebrity, the effect is magnified thousands of times. They are not allowed to have bad-hair days, fat days or slobaround-in-joggers-and-t-shirt days. If they do, they are laughed at and scorned for being no higher than us mere mortals. If they live up to the hopelessly high ideals of perfection, we criticise them jealously.

The truth is that if we all had personal trainers and were paid to look good, we would all look as great as celebrities on premiere night. The average star is sure to spend the majority of their time and money on their appearance, with armies of hair stylists, surgeons, nutritionists, psychic healers and new-age guru’s attending to their every need. The sad truth is that their acting or singing may be

unrivalled, their opinions interesting and worthy, but if they do not conform to social ideals of celebrity they fall by the wayside as an ugly wannabe, or else the unusual member of the clan.

Kate Winslet’s ample figure was praised at first for being more natural while Kym and Suzanne from Hear’Say were told to lose weight to conform to ideals and Bryan from Westlife was informed by evil Simon Cowell to lose weight after photos from his honeymoon were revealed to the press. By bringing attention to these issues, whether lauding and applauding or condemning them, the rags and scags of the media are perpetuating the belief that celebrity, true celebrity anyway, means perfection – a perfect relationship, perfect figure (which is seen as something like a size six), flawless skin, nails, hair, clothes, house, friends…

Anyone entering the world of fame and fortune has to conform and this means that celebs will do pretty much anything to improve their appearance.

As money is rarely an object (and, of course, the

more expensive the product, the more exclusive its reputation) the more cunning people in the beauty industry can happily prescribe, and charge for, products or diets thought up on a whim. Stars may tell us that they do no exercise and eat what they like, but we cannot help feeling that the majority (perhaps Dawn French excused) are telling porky pies.

Looking good takes a lot of hard work. This is not doing 20 minutes of exercise three times a week, eating five portions of fruit and veg a day and drinking lots of water (though that seems plenty to me). From diets according to blood group or facial structure, crystals for complexion to shots of pigskin and supplements from horsehair, the celebrity world has gone mad for the most outrageous suggestions. The wackier it seems, the more Hollywood is willing to try it.

It isn’t even enough to drink all the water that they keep telling us about. One recent fad claimed that the water had to be at room temperature, otherwise it interfered with the digestion. The biggest ‘discoveries’ however are in the world of food. Eating has become a science. Portia de Rossi, otherwise known as Ally McBeal’s Nell, claims that she only eats standing up and won’t allow different foods on her plate to touch each other.

It seems a mortal sin for food to be enjoyed.

Buffy star Sarah Michelle Geller will not eat without consulting her nutritionist, who cut sugar, dairy products and fried food out of her diet. Calista Flockhart, Christina Ricci, Geri, Minnie Driver and George Michael are all said to have cut out the carbohydrates, while Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Madonna and Winona Ryder are all said to be on the ‘Zone’ diet. This consists of meals that are 40% carbohydrates, 30% fat and 30% protein.

Joe Dowell, a New York trainer to the stars, claims that celebs, especially models, ‘don’t understand the importance of eating small, balanced meals during the day to keep their metabolism going.’ To prepare models for shoots, he gets very strict. ‘If I only have two weeks before a shoot…no alcohol, no bread, pasta, rice or potatoes.’ When Claudia Schiffer wanted to drop a few pounds last year, she went on a diet of protein, vegetables, whole grains and fat-free dairy.

And perhaps most bizarrely, Janet Jackson is supposed to have undergone a course of horse-urine injections, which are reported to burn body fat which is then expelled as urine.

In fact, it is not just neurotic eating which helps stars achieve body beautiful. Many actors have a ‘gym trailer’ on set. And there are as many types of

A Day in the Life...

T

his week, business studies comes under inspection. Seen as terminally lazy, the business student could be called the floater of the university. Tucked away in their segregated world of the Aberconway Building, the business admin, economics, accounting and language students mingle harmoniously making the course one of the largest at Cardiff. I set out to uncover the truth about these wannabe entrepreneurs.

I head to a Human Resource Management lecture with a bonefide business student. Finding the lecture theatre locked, my baffled friend confesses she has not been to these lectures yet and is unsure where she is meant to go. We later discover that we are at the wrong building and have missed a good part of the lecture already.

“Never mind,” she comforts me, “No-one will go anyway because it was going to be hard this week.” Hardly a picture of a clear-headed, diligent pupil then, and an image that only

strengthens the idea that business students are at university for the beer.

Instead, I settle for a tour of the Aberconway building, determined to dispel my poor first impressions. As I walk into the reception, I immediately note the ‘official’ pictures of the business lecturing staff. Where in most departments we are confronted with professional photographs of professor whats-his-name and doctor thingy, I instead note what appears to be images of the teaching staff on a pissed-up night out. Oh dear.

The library is tellingly empty. I’m told that the place is rammed when essays and exams come round. So business students are prepared to put the effort in, and even work quite hard, when the need arises (but only then).

The actual make-up of the library, and in fact the whole building itself, reminds me of school. It’s brick walls and red railings lead me through a labyrinth of small rooms stuck onto one another in a haphazard way. It’s relatively barren with dusty books sitting lonely and disused on shelves.

I inspect the new and improved building opposite the old Aberconway.

As I walk through the doors I am taken aback. The new building looks like a posh office block, with a big marble lobby, two refectories (two?) a swish new lecture theatre and a huge, wellstocked computer room with top of the range equipment. As for the business students occupying these rooms...they don’t exist, it’s empty again.

The next day in search of students I attend an International Business lecture, or IB as they like to call it (why do all business students shorten their lecture titles, can they not be arsed to say the full name?) The lecturer is the epitome of the 1980s.

Rumoured to be a bit of a hit with the ladies, he sports a stylish mullet, bright pink blazer teamed with baggy khaki trousers and matching pink flowery tie.

As he begins to talk I physically have to hold back laughter. He spends the first 15 minutes introducing the lecture, leaving pregnant pauses every three or four words. This includes a five-minute advertisement of Malaysia

fashionable exercises as there are diets – from gospel aerobics (Lisa Kudrow), hula-hooping and ‘height-powered hopscotching’ (Calista Flockhart and Cameron Diaz) to karaoke spinning (Alicia Silverstone and Matt Le Blanc) to the many types of yoga.

Cosmetic surgery has, of course, been a staple body-fixer to Hollywood icons. Although the look today is far more subtle and refined than the tight face-lifts of yesteryear, the practices are still somewhat bizarre. Botox, a food poisoning toxin, is injected into the forehead, to smooth out fine lines.

Foetal sheep cells are reportedly used by stars such as Sly and Rupert Everett during cell therapy revitalisation treatment, a process which accelerates the activity of cells killed by ageing.

In a world where people are dying for lack of food and clean water it seems grotesque to see celebrities wasting their money on treatments whose results could surely be procurred in other fashions.

Perhaps it is essential to her career and self-esteem that Victoria Beckham has silky smooth skin. But to obtain this by undergoing hi-tech exfoliation which involves crushing crystals – yes crystals – onto the skin, when the majority of us put up with a good old bran scrub from The Body Shop, seems to be taking things a little too far.

The fashion capitals of the world are no strangers to the charms and enticements of cosmetic surgery and diet fads. But in the past they have been about the high-living of parties, drink, drugs and rock and roll. Today, Gwyneth Paltrow claims she is tee-total and pin-ups (for both women and men) such as Sarah Michelle Gellar are foregoing all fats and sugars. Can this really be fun? Is celebrity really worth the end of pizza, chips, coffee and chocolate.

Forget beans on toast, forget your Sunday roast, in fact, forget any balanced meal you have ever eaten in your life and combine it to a harsh routine of exercise and self-discipline.

The majority of us do not have the time, inclination or money to live that kind of lifestyle.

So next time that you envy a celebrity, think of what they have most probably been through to get where they are. Any lazy bastard who has attempted to get into a routine of exercise, or anyone who has tried and failed to diet, will sympathise. This is not a happy way to achieve the body beautiful. I would far rather watch them from the comfort of my sofa and remain happy in the knowledge that I have no army of dieticians, nutritionists, personal trainers or new-age guru’s to tell me that I cannot possibly ever have a piece of cake again.

of a business student

by Stephanie McIntosh

Morning TV: a valuable alternative to business lectures?

as a holiday resort.

He reminds me of those spooky storytellers from Jackanory, those that are usually dressed as a wizard or similar. Despite these problems, the students handle it well –most are diligently writing notes, some even decorate their notes with different colour pens in the manner of an eager first-year. I am surprised at the full attendance: I was expecting half the students to be down the pub. So is this

view just a stereotype?

“It really angers me when business students are called thick,” one business student tells me. “We’re discriminated against because we miss the occasional lecture, but what student doesn’t?” A fair point; the average business student has up to fifteen hours of lectures a week. That’s more than the hardworking law student. Perhaps then it is understandable that they choose to stay in bed on most occasions.

Gair Rhydd Monday 4th March 2002

gairrhydd 2001-2002

Was brought to you by...

Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Michael Parsons News James Bladon and Lydia Kirby Sport Tristan Thomas, Michael Pearlman and Chris Wathan Focus Charlotte Spratt, Katie Lodge and Daniel Barnes Books David Gates Arts LaDonna Hall and Lizzie Brown Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Film Jonathan Steven and Neil Blaine Games Chris Faires Get There Neil Krajewski Blagging Matt Harvey Letters Matthew George Television Matt Harvey, Nick McDonald, Alex Mcpherson and Steve Hurst Photographers Mike Parsons and Jenni Blurton Sports Photographers Ellie Jones and Darren Miller Lovely Proofreaders Holly Robarts and Zoe Simmons Contributors David Lindsall, Mark Cobley, Martyn Edwards, Dominic O’Neill, Abbie Jackson, Aimee Bryant, Jane Evans, Elizabeth Ireland, Chris Jackson, David Williams, Matt Greenhill, Richard Steer, Pete Samson, Nick McDonald, Rosalind Sack, Gavin Ramjaun, Ben Adams, Jamie Bakehouse, Helen Ainsworth, John Widdop, Owain Cooke, Andrew Davidson, Jamie Grierson, Mei Lewis, Andy Parsons, Kathryn Archer, Robert Porter, Laura Sykes, Suzanne Carter, Dave Gibson, Robin Jackson, Alex Mcpherson, Lee Davies, Gemma Jones, Beth Kenure, Kathryn Williams, Rev Charles, Stephanie McIntosh, Aditi Bhati, Kate Shaw, Natasha Hettihewa, Ben Havell, Robert Porter and Katie Williamson.

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Focus • 12

BBC in ‘deep, deep trouble’ As Matt Groening’s finest creation slips into the realms of Russian porn land, Daniel Barnes considers the nausea that is this week’s celebrity news

T

he BBC will find themselves in trouble when the nation realises that they walked out of talks to earn the rights for the next series of The Simpsons. Having paid £100,000 an episode, the Beeb decided that ‘excessive costs’ were preventing them from matching Channel 5’s bid of £700,000 an episode.

This means bad times are ahead for the BBC. The Simpsons is one of their most popular primetime shows, and with it comes a respectful audience from across all age ranges. They are now, however, going to lose this valuable captive audience for not only The Simpsons itself, but also for whatever programme follows it. And lets face it, it’s surely a gross injustice to The Simpsons to have it plunged among the cheap porn and rubbish like When Drivers Explode that Channel 5 unappealingly has to offer.

This week, we discover that Sylvester Stallone is sueing his former business manager for giving him poor financial advice. Which, as an out of work, rubbish actor, must be a very good way of making money. I once had a friend who’s mum used to make her entire living sueing people…it’s good lucrative business.

There is something very telling in the fact that Paul McCartney has been

offered $4million to replace the Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis fight at the Las Vegas’ MGM Grand, but I’m not quite drunk enough to work out what it means.

That lovely blond boy wonder Backstreet Boy Nick Carter last week bought a 13-metre offshore racing boat, which he intends to race in the American Power Boat Association’s 2002 circuit in USA and Canada.

However, in abject fear of his delicate beauty being damaged, the 22-year old popstar will not be piloting the boat himself – the head of the Nick Carter Racing Team will be his father Bob. One wonders why he bothered buying the boat in first place if he had no intention of driving it. It’s probably something Freudian, but having never slept with him I cannot comment upon how well-endowed the boy is and how this relates to the size of his boat, but I shall make it my life’s mission to find out just for you readers.

Anne Robinson found herself the object of a 150 strong protest by animal rights protestors in London, last week, when she was joining in a fox hunt to raise money for the Vale of White hunt.

Apart from anything else, they used it as an excuse to be terribly witty and original by telling Ms Robinson she is

THE SIMPSONS: move to Channel 5 is frankly a mistake the weakest link, which is indicative of how stupid these animal rights freaks really are. And to embarrass themselves like that in front of a wise and educated woman such as Anne Robinson…they must be dumb.

Cerys Matthews, previously of Catatonia fame, performed last week at the annual BBC Radio 2 Folk Awards.

This was her first public appearance since the demise of her Welsh band last

September. Duetting at the London Marriott Hotel, according to on-lookers she seemed “confident and happy” as she sang in Welsh with folk star Eliza Carthy. Cerys has recently recorded the theme tune for Welsh children’s TV show Sali Mali, which is suppose to be evident of her easing her way back into the limelight, as opposed to her just taking whatever rubbish job some fool feels benevolent enough to give her.

What grinds me down...

In the second of his series of articles, Rev Charles considers the war crimes trial of former leader of the former Yugoslavia

O

nce again, Slobodan Milosevic has put in an appearance in Court, to answer the charges put against him by the International War Crimes Tribunal.

He first appeared in court two years ago, and has ever since denied being responsible for the atrocities committed by Serbs in the Balkans. He appeared in the Hague again last Wednesday, where, in his defence, he boldly attacked the NATO genocide charges as a “fabrication of atrocities”, “an ocean of lies and propaganda”, backed up by “NATO’s false images.” Milosevic sees the proceedings as a political show trial, and still refuses to acknowledge the power of the court – hence he has appointed no lawyers to defend him. It appears that he is interested only in waging a political attack on Nato, and is currently ignoring the charges on which he is being tried.

The question was put to him by Judge Richard May, “Did you or did you not mastermind a campaign of murder and expulsion in the Balkans?”

The former Yugoslavian leader, who is conducting his own defence, alleged to the court that Serbs too,were massacred during this time, and called the NATO influence there “a violation of International Law” – thereby insinuating charges of terrorism against NATO. During his arguments on Friday, the ex-Yugoslav leader alleged the bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade during the Nato campaign was deliberate, and ordered by Mr Clinton so he could go down in history as the first Western leader to bomb Chinese territory. It is needless to say that this allegation is unfounded. Washington has always insisted that the bombing was a mistake by the Central Intelligence Agency, due to the target planners using an outdated map. This seems to be infinitely more feasible than the accusation. Mr Milosevic also said his forces had intercepted radio

communications between the Nato command centre and the pilots in Kosovo in May 1999. He said that when pilots reported one of his targets was a convoy of civilian tractors he was told, “Carry out your orders.”

Mr Milosevic also accused Germany of supporting Croatian independence, and backing ethnic Albanian guerrillas in Kosovo. In addition, he warned the prosecution not to ignore the number of Serb refugees who left Kosovo, which he estimates at around 100,000.

While he may believe there to be some reasoning behind the racist holocaust that he is alleged to have committed, it would be entirely political. Milosevic is a clever man, and this was not the first time a dictator used a single race as a scapegoat for a country’s problems – there are a dozen more examples. A politician said in the 1980’s, “Racists and sexists are simply small boys who haven’t grown up yet.” There is both logic and merit to this statement, and we are now to believe that Milosevic has a particularly impassionate look on life – shown by his argument in court on Thursday; it rather appears that Milosevic is currently enjoying being the centre stage at the court, and of course to the world, as he stated, “the whole world knows this is a political trial.” Two weeks ago saw the case for the prosecution, and now, with the aid of his translator, Milosevic is constructing an argument, supplemented with a two-hour graphic video and dozens of photos of the alleged victims of the 1999 NATO Kosovo convoy bombings – an incident where the Albanians were mistakenly attacked by the Americans. He points out that his Serbian soldiers were only fighting the ethnic Albanian guerrillas, deemed by him to be classed as anti-terrorism, not genocide. To follow the logical course of his argument, he goes on to accuse the Americans of double standards – helping the Albanian terrorists and bombing Yugoslavia, but attacking the

Afghanistan Government last year.

There are currently nine charges against Milosevic, who dresses in a smart navy suit and a tie in the Serbian red, blue and white colours. Bosnia tries him for Genocide, crimes against humanity, grave breaches of the Geneva Conventions, and violations of the laws or customs of war, between 1992 and 1995. Croatia tries him for crimes against humanity, grave breaches of the Geneva Conventions, and violations of the laws or customs of war, between 1991 and 1992. Finally, Kosovo tries him and four of his colleagues for crimes against humanity, and violations of the laws or customs of war. The crimes are alleged to have been committed between January and June 2001.

There had been rumours that he may be allowed to call on world leaders as witnesses, and this was substantiated on Wednesday, as Milosevic called on a string of current and former world leaders and politicians to serve as defence witnesses. The lengthy list includes, among others, Former US President Bill Clinton, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair, French President Jacques Chirac, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, Former US Secretary of state Madeleine Albright, Former German Chancellor Helmut Kohl, Former German Foreign Minister Klaus Kinkel, and a dozen or so US officials who helped produce the 1995 Dayton accord that ended the war in Bosnia and Croatia.

This is because many were alleged by Milosevic to have commented on the NATO bomb targets in the past in such a way as might aid his defence, which with each moment, looks increasingly strong. It was initially suggested that if Blair and Clinton were to be called, they would not have to attend. However, the Court stated that he is allowed to call whomever he likes, and the court has the power to subpoena them. To do this, he must first convince the judges that any testimony will be relevant – a most meaningful clause.

NEWS

Gair Rhydd Monday 4 March 2002

Focus • 13

Non-Sabb

Word on the liberation campaigns

Geraint Edwards, Welsh Affairs Officer elect, gives Gair Rhydd a rundown of what’s gong on for the InterCollegiate Eistedfodd, and why its such a great honour for Cardiff to be hosting the event Geraint Edwards, Welsh Affairs Officer elect, gives Gair Rhydd a rundown of what’s gong on for the InterCollegiate Eistedfodd, and why its such a great honour for Cardiff to be hosting the event

Welsh celebrations

I

E WIR, Y “ddinas fawr ddrwg”, chwedl Geraint Jarman a’r Cynganeddwyr, fydd a’r fraint ac anrhydedd o gynnal y Rhyng-Gol eleni. Rhwng dydd Iau, Mawrth 7fed a dydd Sadwrn, Mawrth 9fed, disgwylir i gannoedd ymgynnull yng Nghaerdydd ar gyfer yr wyl fwyaf yng nghalendr cymdeithasol y myfyriwr Cymraeg (a’r fyfyrwraig Gymraeg am hynny).

Bydd rhai wedi teithio o’r gogledd neu’r gorllewin, a rhai wedi teithio o du allan i Gymru, tra bo eraill ond wedi teithio prin canllath o’u Woodville Rd neu o’u Senghennydd. Ond o ble bynnag y dônt, faint bynnag y teithiasant, bydd yr wyl hon yn ein hundeb myfyrwyr yn gyfle diguro i ddathlu a mwynhau ein diwylliant lliwgar. Neu, ‘i feddwi ar gelfyddyd’, ys dywed y rhai sy’n mwynhau cynghanedd! Beth bynnag, llai o falu awyr...

Eleni, cychwynnir y miri nos Iau gyda’r Eisteddfod Dafarn, a fydd yn Seren Las. Bydd y ras peintiau, y ras fodcas yn ogystal â’r gystadleuaeth ddirgel werth eu gweld yn enwedig. Bydd yr Eisteddfod Roc ar brynhawn dydd Gwener yn y Neuadd Fawr. Dyfernir y gystadleuaeth gan Ian Cottrell, gynt o’r grwp Diffiniad ac sydd bellach yn DJ yng Nghlwb Ifor

Y

Bach. Gwobr y buddugol fydd sesiwn recordio yn Stiwdio Recordiau Sain, ger Caernarfon.

Nos Wener, fe gynhelir y Gig Fawreddog, eto yn y Neuadd Fawr, gyda Big Leaves, Estella, Gwacamoli, Bysedd Melys ac Ashokan yn chwarae. Yn wir, bydd y gig yma’n addas iawn i Ryng-Gol eleni, gan fod yna aelodau o Fysedd Melys ac Ashokan yn fyfyrwyr yma ar hyn o’r bryd, a bu i Rhodri Siôn o’r Big Leaves astudio yma. Mae tocynnau ar gael am £9 yr un o flaen llaw oddi wrth yr Undeb Myfyrwyr.

Gwelir y cystadlu go-iawn, serch hynny, ar y dydd Sadwrn. Bydd y cystadlu ar y llwyfan yn cychwyn am tua 11yb, er y bydd rhagbrofion os bydd eu hangen - yn cychwyn yn gynharach mae’n debyg. I gloi’r cwbl, cynhelir twmpath dawns anffurfiol gyda’r nos, a dyna fo Eisteddfod Ryng-Gol wedi gorffen am flwyddyn arall. Fydd hi’n amser i gael hwyl yng nghwmni gweddill myfyrwyr Cymraeg-eu-hiaith y wlad, felly i gloi, ga’i obeithio y gwnewch chi fwynhau’r penwythnos, na wnewch ormod o niwed i’r hen iau(!), ac fel mae Jonsi Radio Cymru’n dweud, “cymera ddigon o laeth mwnci, ond cadwa dy hun yn bur yr hen goes!” O.N. Pob lwc i’r Gym Gym!

the ‘Rhyng-Gol’ as it’s known in Welsh offers ES, THAT TIME comes every so often something for everyone. when it is Cardiff’s turn to host the InterDespite facing stiff competition from the Collegiate Eisteddfod. Shared between other colleges, Cardiff students are more than Aberystwyth, Bangor, Swansea and ourselves, ready to take the challenge of the Rhyng-Gol this long-standing event in our cultural calendar this year, making an extra effort given that it is is, like other Eisteddfodau, a showcase of on home ground. Indeed, Cardiff came second Welsh language and culture, providing during the last time it was held here (1998), hundreds of students the length and breadth of beating heavyweights Aberystwyth and only Wales (and beyond) an opportunity to excel in narrowly defeated by Bangor. Having said that, their various talents. This year, the event will be Cardiff students never take the event too held between Thursday, March 7th and seriously, and quite right too. For although it Saturday, March 9th, and will be staged at involves a degree of competition, the ultimate Seren Las and the Great Hall at the Students purpose of the Rhyng-Gol is to bring together Union. all students in a joyful Traditional competitions This long-standing event celebration of Wales’ include the choir singing, harp solos and creative in our cultural calendar is language and culture, thus enriching writing. The Crown and a showcase of Welsh everybody’s cultural the Chair for the best language and culture experience whether piece of prose and poetry participating or not. In respectively, are the traditionally taking a light-hearted approach cornerstone prizes of the three-day festival, but without any bitterness at defeat, Cardiff it doesn’t end there. The more informal ‘battle students always enjoy the festival the most. of the bands’ contest will be a chance for Except for the gig on Friday night, which will budding musicians, whether into rock, pop, ska, include the top Cardiff-based act Big Leaves, funk, blues, nu-metal or folk, to show their all the events of the Inter-Collegiate Eisteddfod musical prowess. Of equal cultural are free of charge, and here in the Union. So importance(!), the off-the-wall antics of the what are you waiting for, whoever you are, vodka races and ‘gargling choirs’ of the Pub come and experience a veritable feast of Welsh Eisteddfod will ensure maximum participation culture – croeso cynnes i’r Eisteddfod! from the big-time drinkers amongst us. Indeed,

Timetable of Events Dydd Iau, Mawrth 7fed Thursday, March 7th Yr Eisteddfod Dafarn The Pub Eisteddfod Bar Caffi Seren Las Seren Las Café-Bar 7.00pm - 1.00am

Dydd Gwener, Mawrth 8fed Friday, March 8th Yr Eisteddfod Roc The Rock Eisteddfod Y Neuadd Fawr The Great Hall 3.00pm - 7.00pm

Y Gig Fawreddog Y Neuadd Fawr

The Great Hall 8.00pm - 2.00am Tocynnau: £9 o flaen llaw (ar gael oddi wrth y Swyddog Materion Cymreig, Cerith Spooner).

Tickets: £9 in advance (available from the Welsh Affairs Officer, Cerith Spooner).

Dydd Sadwrn, Mawrth 9fed Saturday, March 9th Yr Eisteddfod Y Neuadd Fawr

The Great Hall 11.00am - 8.00pm Dilynir gan dwmpath dawns gyda Chwmni Dawnsio Gwerin Caerdydd Followed by a twmpath with Cwmni Dawnsio Gwerin Caerdydd

14 ● Classifieds

gairrhydd, Monday 18 February 2002

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

●

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

●

£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

●

£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE

Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons.

Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 25pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER:Wednesdays 10aam-1pm in the TV lounge on the 3rd Floor. Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

XPRESS STATION MANAGER: Contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the

PERSONAL third floor of the Students’ Union building.

Everynight between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or a short walk away.

Here to listen.

Here for you.

Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Column Rd.

furnished, washing machine, telephone, microwave. £35 pw. Tel John Loyn 029 20372400.

TWO ROOMS AVALIABLE July 2002 to share with four 3rd year students in Mackintosh Place. 10 mins walk to university, modern kitchen, lounge, two bathrooms.

Rent £195p/m. Call 029 20 630103 or 07714 202683.

Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB

ACCOMMODATION PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm Room avaliable July 2002 to share with three girls in a good location – 10 minutes walk from University. Spacious room, own sink, all mod cons. Please call 029 20919670.

5 bed house off Allensbank Road, new extension with modern kitchen, two bathrooms, lounge. £200 pppcm. 07810 058498/ 029 20654715.

4 bed house Arran Street, former family home, glazed, modern kitchen, lounge. £200 pppcm. 07810 058498/ 029 20 654715.

To let: One bedroom house Blackweir Terrace. Gas central heating, Fully

Happy Birthday Treacle! love Aimes, Debz and Fruitcake

EMPLOYMENT

Part Time Vacancy A local company is offering a flexible part-time position for a person with Sage Accountancy Software experience. Preferably with the ability to set up the software and set up company files. We’re Investors in People and an equal opportunities company. Pay subject to experience. Please call 079573 40401 and ask for Glyn.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

summer ball 02 Cardiff University

AT CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION

START

FREEPLAY on all Video Games Thursday 7th March 5pm - 12pm

To be held at

Cardiff International Arena Friday 14th June

Tickets on sale from Monday 11th March from Union Box Office Price £28

The Games Room 3rd Floor, Students’ Union

OPENING HOURS MONDAY - FRIDAY SATURDAY SUNDAY

9.30am - Midnight Midday - Midnight 2pm - 10.30pm

log on to

www.cardiffstudents.com GAME OVER

for the latest updates on entertainment line-up

blagging

Competitions ● 15

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

The ultimate in...

THIS WEEK: RED-HOT RAUNCHY SEX EDITION – BAN THIS SICK FILTH NOW!

The Winners Circle

Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray!

Dominos Pizza Well done to...

Steve Hurst who would call his pizza friend ‘Giofranco Gorgonzola’. Nice one.

Dominos will be in touch.

Crates of WKD Mmm, yum yum. Nuff respeck goes out to...

Alan Lambert Pru Sinclair Who have both won a crate of WKD. Come and collect your prizes from the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union Building.

This goes for all past winners. If you’ve won a BT phone, a sack of Pot Noodles, a Rock Sound goodie bag... come and get them!

gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: gair_rhydd@ hotmail.com Win this stuff or I’ll give it to the poor.

Your friendly neighbourhood sex shop Sex is nice: FACT. Wales has Europe’s highest STD rates: FACT. We are charged four times as much as Europe for condoms: FACT.

At least, that’s what Johnnies says. And they’d know – they’re the only condom store in Wales. Now, whether you believe these claims or not, sex is a great form of exercise and anything that makes it safer and more amusing can only be a good thing. I find that nothing breaks the ice like a carefully deployed Poirot-shaped willy warmer.

Imagine the scene – your brother-in-law Barry asks you to say a few words at his daughter’s An occasion Win Johnnies goodies christening. like this is invariably doomed for prolonged Which of these is an anagram boredom and a general of a rude word? sense of depression. What better way to liven up the A: Niplpes proceedings than a quick B: Taoster drop of the trousers midC: Herirng speech, giving all and

sundry a shot of your comedy jockstrap in the shape of a parrot? Not much, that’s what. The question is, where does one find a novelty sex aid at short notice? Anne Summers might be alright for the Queen Mum, but for most of us mere mortals it’s out of our league. And since BHS cancelled their ‘slut whore strap-on’ line, the perv in the street has been denied an alternative.

Thankfully, Johnnies, in the Castle Arcade, provides an answer for Cardiff’s burgeoning whorescene.

Purveyors of condoms both novelty and deadly, deadly serious, they also boast a range of droll party favours and toys that continues the tits-and-willies theme.

If you want to win a dozen condoms and a candle-moulding set (for making candles shaped like your willy, or that of a friend), send me some love at the usual address. Oh, and answer the question.

Sex on the net? Get outta here! Your mother wouldn’t like it...

Win Blushing Buyer We are giving away lemon flavour willy sherbet.

What other flavours would you like to see?

I

f this week’s Blagging has made you hot hot hot… you probably need professional help.

(No, readers, that’s not the same as ‘executive relief’). Blushingbuyer.co.uk is a unique website which can help you take care of life’s little embarrassments. It has two sections. The first offers boring but necessary advice about buying creams and poultices for problems ‘down there’, and the opportunity to ask questions you would be too humiliated to ask your GP. The other bit, which is far more exciting, sells sex toys. Simple.

As. That.

Now, don’t fret if you don’t win the candle-in-theshape-of-a-willy kit. Enter this competition and you can win a bag o’ sin containing: lemon sherbet ‘lust dust’ for penile application, an edible pina colada flavour bra (warning: don’t take a chunk out of the boob inside or she’ll smack you one), a bottle of massage oil and three ‘small pecker’ condoms. If this sounds like your idea of a fun night in either alone or with a friend, then enter forthwith.

C

rikey! After all this naughtiness you’ll be wanting something to put you off the old sex for a while. Hence Viz: The Clown’s Pie. This annual features the best of the adult comic, which is a sort of cross between The Beano and that dirty, dirty porn smeared with human excrement which you found in a bin liner in the woods. Terrific. To win a copy of The Clown’s Pie, the latest Viz compilation, answer this totally non-sexual question.

Win a copy of Viz Contrary to the beliefs of the time, what did Hippocrates espouse?

A: Illness is not caused by evil spirits B: Ovaltine cures blindness C: Bummers are deaf If you think you know that the correct answer is ‘A’, enter now!

No sex please, we’re multi-cultural

T

he Student’s Union is running a week-long series of event called ‘One World, One Week’ from 10-15th March 2002, the intention of which is to explore the people and communities that exist in our society. As part of this event it is holding a creative writing competition.

The theme of the competition is ‘Melting Pot’. You can take this title to mean anything you like, not simply as a place where different people and ideas mix together.

To enter, submit a short story of no more than 2,000 words or a poem. The entries will be judged by a panel of postgraduate creative writing students. Prizes will be given to the best piece overall, and also to the best short story and best poem. The prize for the overall winner will be a pair of all-zone Europe Inter-rail tickets (courtesy of STA Travel), and the best poem and short story will win £25 of Blackwell’s vouchers.

There will be an award ceremony for all who take part on Wednesday 13th March.

To enter, hand you writing to Rona Griffiths on the third floor of the Union Building by 4pm, Tuesday 6th March. Please do not put your name on your writing. For more information, visit Cardiffstudents.com or email Rohan at TambyrajaR@cf.ac.uk. See, told you there was no sex.

ARTS The complete word of God (abridged)

FILM They’re the greatest

GAMES Space race on PS2

Jurassic Lark Ozomatli live at the Coal Exchange Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!

Contents

02. Get There Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Arts

Arts review the Reduced Shakespeare Company’s take on the Bible and look at the work of performance artist Andre Stitt.

06. Music

Music go interview crazy as they have a word with those keen young things The Cooper Temple Clause and local boys Kennedy Soundtrack.

10. Film

Film turn into Sport for one week only with a review of Ali, and find out if A Beautiful Mind merits all the fuss.

06. Games

Games go all looney with Spacerace on the PS2.

04. Books

Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-and-coming literary releases.

15. TV Guide

Far funnier than it has any right to be – it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Jonathan Steven Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Nick McDonald, Simon Treen, Matt Harvey and Alex Mcpherson GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds.

Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk • Hear us speak 029 2078 1434/6

02

Get There

ell hello, children, and welcome once again to Get There, the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact W different! This week, we review absolutely nothing, interview no-one

and read sod all. What we can do, though, is offer you the finest set of listings known to man and promise, wherever possible, to annoy the ‘Games’ editor. And remember, gang: Get Hip - Get There!

Back after a week of consolidation and hibernation Get There returns fresher and funkier than ever, possibly. Apologies to those who failed to get their Society Balls advertised; we’re only a society strapped for time too you know!

Thanks go out to whoever supplied us with much needed corrections too.

Union Monday 04/03

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free.

Thousands are led ashtray as the Spring semester continues. This week, the appearance of Tall Paul and Steve Lee, both of whom have probably played Vision, provides an added incentive.

Tuesday 05/03

Candy @ Solus 9pm - 1am, £2.50 (free before 10pm) The Union’s long-awaited new garage, hip-hop and R+B night continues. Can it hold out now the promise of free drinks has gone? Oh, I do hope so.

Wednesday 06/03 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

Perhaps a courageous rugby fan facilitated your escape from the clutch of hoardes of Swansea zealots last week and led you here. This would be a rational basis to reward this evening with your attention.Once more you can though watch with pity as hundreds break their pathetic New Year’s pledge to abandon drinking excessively.

Thursday 07/03

80’s Nite @ Solus 9pm- 1am, £2 Now every week!! Getting rather too busy these days, but undoubtedly for good reason. Little more to say than 80 pence a pint (selected lines only mind!) and what was played last week served in an inspired new order. Nostalgia at it’s best!

Ian Brown @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £15adv Admittedly the records have improved a little of late, but nevertheless you would be better begging for a (very early) Stone Roses request in Solus.

Friday 08/03

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50.

‘Mega’ party night, the popularity of which is assured regardless of what I write here. The ultimate meeting point for the months when it’s too cold to trawl around the urban expanse that is Cathays.

Saturday 09/03

Flirt @ Solus 9pm - 1am, free Thanks to our highly fallible technology you missed the chance to join those vivacious Chemsoc members at their ball. Owing to its being free perhaps the Union, once again, represents a good place to start as you plan a city wide quest to hunt down exciting people to spend future weekends with. If you fail, you’ll probably end up here again next week. Therefore, try hard, try very hard.

Sunday 10/03

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, £1 Laid back sounds and wine. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves.

Clubbing Monday 04/03

Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Though I’m not one to spread rumours, a little bird told me that every person that goes to the End for a night out turns into a complete twat by the next morning. Not sure if it’s true, but worth considering, eh?

Big Jugs @ Bar Med ‘Til 11.30pm. Ugly, sad and single? This night’s for you!

Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother?

One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue.

Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus.

MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why.

Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh?

Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub.

Possibly.

Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight.

Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for.

Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night, £1 a pint.

Live Music @ The Toucan Club See Live Music. Obviously.

DJ Mix Selector @ Sam’s Bar £2-£5 entry. Great for anybody who likes watching stoned 17 year olds attempt to mix.

Come Play @ Emporium 9pm, £3 entry with many drinks offers Solus exile, Disco Stu, joins the party to offer an array of funky disco and chart classics Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm!

Vodbull UK @ Zeus 8.30pm, £3 entry offers early start and yields cheap vodka and red bull.

Tuesday 05/03

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk.

Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in!

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses.

Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd.

School Disco @ Liquid From N-Trance to this. Go Figure!

Pulse @ Zeus Teens, tunes and terror. This week with corporate sponsorship as an added deterrent.

Alternative Beats @ The End...

8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day.

Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!?

Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this.

2-4-1 Night @ Flares Does what it says on the tin. Badly.

Offya Face @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Alternative NUS night.

Its sweaty, its smelly, its dingy and its actually great fun!

Karaoke @ Reds Has it really come to this? Apparently so, as the bastion of utter crap that is Reds launches a karaoke night. It is hard to think of anything worse, with the possible exception of drinking neat napalm. Or going to Zeus.

Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe.

Obviously.

Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s.

The Magnificent Bar @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 06/03

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffer, but highly unlikely.

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully

average.

Fun Club @ Metros 9pm - 2am. Metros push outwards with a veritable plethora of indie and funk in a sure fire attempt to compete with the Welsh club. However, remember kids they only have 2 rooms!

Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out.

Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever.

Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle.

Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out.

The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke. ‘Nuff said.

Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing.

National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective.

Wipeout @ Reds Bob Monkhouse hosts popular daytime quiz in Cardiff bar. Maybe.

Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil.

Twisted Alternative @ The Model Inn One of the best indie nights in the city has spread its wings and is now going twice weekly, with then Wednesday night slot being dubbed as the official pre-club for Popscene at Clwb Ifor Bach. Well worth a look, if only to beat the queues at Clwb by getting that all important hand stamp early.

Thursday 07/03

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers.

Hard House @ The End...

DJ Jomec does the honours.

Disco Inferno @ Zeus 9pm-2am, £3/£2 NUS, 70s stuff. Disco Inferno, eh? Really just a chance for all the fuck-wittages who go here to get used to what Hell feels like.

Because that’s where they’re all going to end up.

Truly, truly horrific.

Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round.

Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss.

From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance.

Old School Funk @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush.

Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray!

Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here. Nudge nudge, wink wink etc...

Student Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Probably shit.

Karaoke @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great.

Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit.

Critical Breaks and Ascension @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 10pm-2am. Drum and Bass and Old Skool, £2.50 Featuring Dj’s Active, Toffster, Dexter, MDJ and Raj.

Friday 08/03

Pete Tong @ Emporium The eighth anniversary party of Time Flies begins in style.

03

Get There

Gaelic fight-back Damien Rice + Amy Wadge @ Barfly Wednesday 6th March @ Barfly, 7.30pm £4

Hopefully, you don’t exclaim ‘who?’ as you glance at this box each week. This week, for once, you’re forgiven.

However, tonight sees the return of one of the most engaging songwriters to come out of Dublin in some time; trust me, I’m an aspir-

Act ONE present The Wind in the Willows Performances from 6th to 9th March at Performance Hall, Heath Hospital Tickets £5 (£4.50 members) Cardiff students present their version of Alan Bennet’s adaptation of the classic children’s novel

Societies Involved in a society? Keep us informed of your forthcoming events and we might find you an exec for next year. Apologies to HISAR for their absence last week.

ing expert. If Dublin needed an answer to Cardiff’s Christopher Rees, Damien would be your man. If we’re lucky he might even be accompanied by an enormously talented female singer who adds a delightful depth to Damien’s compositions. Remember to visit the cashpoint beforehand, you’ll not want to leave without something to remember this man by!

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm - 3am Precinct have poached the US DMC champion, DJ Rectangle, to spend a night with DJ Marky. Sounds marvellous.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great.

Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics. Not bad at all, actually, if a bit cramped.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night. No dress code, cheap booze and good tunes.

REscape vs Evolution @ Evolution 9pm-2.30am. £5 or £4 NUS. Brash and brassy house night, with a liberal sprinkling of? Its not a sodding wrestling match, people, its a frigging disco!

Cool House @ Las Iguanas 9pm-1am. US & UK house. Funky, if a little cramped, house night. Not quite up to scratch as a club venue, but as a stop off en route to somewhere bigger, this fits the bill perfectly.

Exit Club 8pm, free entry before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Commercial chart and dance. Again! PLAY SOME DIFFERENT SODDING MUSIC! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Get Down and Groove @ Flares Til 2am. Funky disco says the press release. A bit crap says Get There. You decide.

Moda @ Rajah’s 8.30pm-midnight. Groovy pre-club night. Self styled Cardiff ‘legend’ Dave Grooveslave does his bit. Which isn’t necessarily a recommendation.

Twin Scene @ Reds Not sure what is more shocking, the actual piss-poor nature of this club, or the fact that its full every night.

Whatever, it’s still a big pile of poo, and as such should be given a wide berth.

K - Class + Lomas @ Emporium 10pm onwards The Time Flies party continues Heavy Metal @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Unsurprisingly, heavy metal. Actually very good at what it does, though.

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan 8pm-2am. Live funk, and mixing madness courtesy of Kris Jenkins, Bones and Dave Grooveslave. Well good, actually. This week, D’Booga run the show, with ‘the most chilled out funk in the galaxy’. There we are, then!

Mellow Mellow @ Metropolis Not the same as Metros; no this, is Metropolis where tonight Andy Loveless continues to move his mobile entertainment installation around the city. Is his name related to the My Bloody Valentine classic? Meet him and find out.

Anne Savage @ ROAR, Vision 2K Here just a fortnight ago, she just can’t stay away.

Saturday 09/03 Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though.

Deliciously Wicked @ Berlins 8pm-2am. Repulsively awful would be a more accurate description.

Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look!

The Big Party @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. The party sounds like a great idea. Sadly,it’s in Dylan’s.

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s. At last! A night at The End that isn’t shit! The ever reliable One Mission crew do what they do best - make people smile and dance!

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cool-

er.

Weekend Madness @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless.

Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray!

Glam Night @ The Roxy 10pm-4am. £5. Expect an orgy of all things glam. Apart from Gary Glitter, of course. And Jonathan King. Or that bloke from Slade...

Desire @ Zeus 9pm-3am. A night so unimaginably bad, I refuse to waste a witty comment on it.

Live Music Hopefully, you were able to participate in last week’s continental spectacular in spite of the absence of these pages. There’s not so much of note this week, but one event (see above) that deserves your full attention.

Dancesport EVERY TUESDAY Lessons take place in Solus.

Advanced / Intermediate: 6pm-7pm.

Beginners: 7.10pm-8.30pm.

Student Action for Refugees EVERY THURSDAY Meetings at 7pm in the TV lounge (3rd floor of the Union)

SHAG Drop In MONDAY, TUESDAY & FRIDAY 1pm-4pm in the Student Volunteering Centre.

Conservative Young Futures Friday 8th March - Social @ Park Club, City Road Tickets £3.50. Contact consfuture@cardiff.ac.uk for further details.

on their merits.

Sunday 03/03 Acoustic Jam @ The Toucan Club 8pm, FREE. A chance for all budding songsters to get up and show off their wares, which is usually a good thing.

Arts Standing proud of the city’s diversity and committed to mixing people young and old, Get There brings you a selection of arts events worthy of your time this week.

Welsh National Opera @ New Theatre Performances until 9th March Contact the venue for further details if you feel that way inclined.

Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Society EVERY WEDNESDAY Come along to the weekly meeting, in meeting room three of the Student’s Union. Everybody is welcome, and things start at 8.00pm. For more info email lgb@cf.ac.uk

Gair Rhydd ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! Come and write for Gair Rhydd! Meeting times 2.15pm on Wednesdays for GRiP and 1.15pm Monday for all things news and sport. So writers, designers, photographers and general gimps come on up! We need young blood to replace our wizened old hacks.

Monday 04/03 Clinic + British Sea Power @ Clwb Ifor 7.30pm, £6adv.

Final night of Xplosure at Clwb and a fantastic way to go out. Stylish drone pop from Clinic as they hover on the brink of stardom once again and moody melodies from Rough Trade hopefuls British Sea Power.

Jaded + Free Peace Sweet + Nanonstroke @ Barfly 7.30pm, £3 The trail of atrocious band names begin. Spot others in the nights thatt follow.

Tuesday 05/03 Nim Chimski + Monkfish + The Sum Thinks @ The Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Babes in Toyland @ Newport TJs 7.30pm, £6adv Hugely important American girl band from the early 90s begin their come back campaign. Go and tell Metros you went to see ‘grunge pioneers’, they’ll be dead impressed!

Thursday 07/03 Halo + Midasuno + Drivedog @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Sony continue their campaign of terror and bring the feeble Halo back to South Wales.

Bryan Adams @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £30adv Ageing Canadian brings his feast of Adult rock classics to a city full of young people. Peverse logic to most ears, but I’m sure there’s an explanation - probably alcohol related - lurking somewhere.

Friday 08/03

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All £2.50

Pulse @ The Wharf 8pm, FREE. Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Club 8pm, £5 / £5.50 No listings available as we went to press, but Fridays at The Toucan are usually top drawer. Call the venue for details, or just turn up on the night. Chances are, it’ll be good!

Reluctance + Alivewire + Grand Oval @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4

Saturday 09/03 Dynamo Dresden + Jean Jacques Smoothie + Vandal Phantom Beats @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £5 Sounds like a long evening to me.

Starshaped Creatures + The Lanes @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Everyone seems to know a member of Star Shaped Creatures so why not ask them for an impartial opinion

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

artsreviews

04

Anarchy reigns supreme W

Who’s a pretty monkey?

THEATRE ANARCHY: ALL DAY BREAKFAST

Act One Sherman Theatre THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS Act One Heath Hospital Recreation Hall 5th – 9th March

F

OR THOSE WHO remember Kenneth Graeme’s enchanting tale The Wind in the Willows from younger days, you will not want to miss this.

Originally performed at the Royal National theatre, Alan Bennett’s adaptation is a delightfully humourous tale of the classic children’s book. It tells the story of four friends, Mole, Rat, Badger and Toad. Quite naïve and sheltered, Mole is taken under Rat’s oars and introduced to his world through a nautically tinted porthole. Mr Badger then takes a shine to the little Mole, in his stern but kind schoolmaster style. And who could forget the hopeless extrovert Toad, whose middle name is definitely not humble or shy, who attempts to appeal to

ITH THE EXCEPTION of Whose Line Is It Anyway, improvised comedy usually consists of laboured sketches and harrowing, desperate silences. Act One’s All Day Breakfast blew away these clichés, despite being an amateur production.

The show was performed by Act One’s first improvisation troupe, Theatre Anarchy. All Day Breakfast was a spoof daytime magazine show, with host couple Geri and Tom more than outdoing their real-life counterparts, Richard and Judy. The two hosts linked a series of sketches/ features such as a dating game, a guest spot with a scientific boffin, an interview with a Hollywood director, and a nobrainer quiz. The twist was that all the sketches – and Geri and Tom’s links – were completely improvised. This gave the show an element of life and energy that can be lacking in rehearsed comedy. To make things even more difficult for the twelve performers, the details of the sketches were decided by the audience. This was audience participation at its most extreme: YOU called out what movie the hosts would discuss, and what the guest scientist was an expert in. All Day Breakfast took risks, but invariably pulled it off. The audience were as much on their toes as the performers, especially as there were times when you may have been dragged on stage yourself!

All Day Breakfast was a challenging concept, and was successful on the whole.

The show was frequently laugh-out-loud funny and was professionally presented. Inevitably, some of the cast outshone the others. While on stage, Nick Phillips (aka ‘Horse’) and Emma Woodward (‘Smiler’) won laughs with their

Mole’s youth and sense of adventure to justify his own actions. The main characters, as created by Bennett and brought alive by the actors, compliment each other perfectly.

Life on the riverbank transports us back in time, to an old idyllic England “an England you’ve only ever dreamed of, the England of heath and common and hedgerow.” The introduction of Mole up to the banks is the start of a new life full of new experiences, where we meet the riverbank and woodland creatures. There is Otter the cockney water dweller, with an insatiable appetite and a heart of gold. There is disillusioned old Albert, the trusty horse who could very well be Eeyore’s Wolverhampton cousin. Then there is a not so sinister pack of weasels, whose lack of common sense leaves their status in the baddies hall of fame much to be desired. Along with which there are many other woodland folk, rabbits, hedgehogs, and squirrels. There is even a human or two here and there.

This promises to be a magical evening of entertainment, suitable for all ages.

Messing about in the Talybont woods

Tickets £5.00, £4.50 Act One members, £4.00 children (children are welcome every night, but child priced tickets are only available for the Saturday matinee).

Tickets are available from 25th of February at the Union Box Office and the Heath Hospital Recreation reception.

Free transport will be provided from the Union to the hospital and back from 6.30pm onwards (last bus leaves at 7pm. Get there early!).

Doors 7.00pm show starts at 7.30pm.

(Saturday matinee 1.30pm for 2.00pm start).

Act One Preview

quick-thinking and All Day Breakfast proved that confidence in their high-risk improvisation comedy improvisation skills.

These two brightened can be pulled off with hilarious the stage and brought verve by a student company an air of quality to the production. Ben Gilbert (‘Spy’) and the extemporary nature of the play, the Anwen Hooson (‘Princess’) also made the performance Gair Rhydd saw could be entirely most of the audience’s suggestions, even different to those on other nights! when they were uninspired (Spam, anyone?).

All Day Breakfast proved that high-risk Finally, the two hosts, Simon Rees and Eloise improvisation comedy can be pulled off with Emmanuel (aka Geri and Tom) unified what hilarious verve by a student company. It was could easily have descended into a collection funny, innovative and well worth your attention of stale, cliched sketches. Of course, this and praise. review is based on Friday night’s show. Due to Natasha Hettihewa and Matt Harvey

Dja rule

OMID DJALILI Sherman Theatre

O

MID DJALILI. Like me you may not recognise the name, but probably get a pang of recognition from the photograph. That’s not because he looks like a young Alexi Sayle; it would in fact be because of his numerous roles in TV and films. Having appeared in many sitcoms (including Black Books and Small Potatoes) and seven films to date: Gladiator, The Mummy, Spy Game, Mean Machine, Notting Hill and The World Is Not Enough to name the most famous, it’s a resume most actors would be jealous of. If there is one

onstage dressed like the Iranian presenter of Film 2000, all shiny silver suit, and a backwards base ball cap just like Jonathan Ross, (well maybe even Jonathan Ross wouldn’t wear them both together). On stage he’s a joy to watch despite standing still for most of the performance, although this only made it funnier when he did use the entire space to run around and act out different ways of bowing at the end of a performance.

I only hope to see more of Omid Djalili in the near future in a format that will highlight his talents for producing a wide range of characters and accents like stand up does.

Ben Havell

He revealed all on acting with Oliver Reed and insulting Russell Crowe, while his views on student theatre really grabbed you by the nuts down side to his career so far it is the fact that he’s been pigeon-holed into certain characters when he is obviously capable of a lot more.

Having been born in Britain of Iranian descent he has an unusual perspective and understanding of both cultures, a fact which allows him to use both for material without offending either. For example, the show begins with him doing a voice over from offstage in the style of a Welsh compere who can’t pronounce his name. But his jokes weren’t just about race and nationality.

He revealed a lot about acting with the likes of Oliver Reed and insulting Russell Crowe, while his views on student theatre really grabbed you by the nuts.

You can always tell when someone doesn’t take themself too seriously just by what they wear and Omid definitely filled that criteria. He came

artsreviews

13

Sacreligious shenanigans THE REDUCED SHAKESPEARE COMPANY; THE BIBLE: THE COMPLETE WORD OF GOD (ABRIDGED) Sherman Theatre

were supposed to be good from the hundreds of rave reviews they receive every year, and now I am pleased to say that now I can join them. They are the most original, funny, clever, and religiously incorrect acts I have ever had the pleasure of watching on stage.

They begin with a blues number sung by God, about “Those beginning of time, Big void of nothingness blues”. Approximately twenty minutes, and about thirty billion costume changes later, they reach Noah’s ark for the first, but not last, time. The jokes come thick and fast, at times seemingly aimed at a 3 year ELL WHAT can say about the old and at others flying clean over my head, Reduced Shakespeare Company but I felt obliged to laugh just to make other that has not already been said? I people think I got it. had the privilege of seeing “The Bible: The I knew very little about the bible before I complete word or God (abridged)” performed went to see this show, and I’d like to be able to by the writers, Adam Long, Reed Martin, & say that I knew more I knew very little about the bible now, but it’d before I went to see this show, be a lie. This and I’d like to be able to say that was not an I knew more now, but it’d be a lie informationfest to which children should be taken to learn about the Austin Tichenor. I was under the impression bible. In fact the only thing I learnt was that that they were British, but as it turns out they begat is not some kind of curse, but in fact the appear to be Canadian, well North American of biblical word for ‘was the dad of’. The some sort anyway. production shows no mercy to any religion of I have to confess that I went to the show any kind, despite to disclaimer at the beginning without knowing what to expect. I knew they

of the show, which claimed to intend no offence to any religions or cults, and you go out feeling that they did meant that bit. Yes, the show does poke fun at the bible, but it has been done from a respectful point of view, such that I fail to see how it could cause any major offence to anyone. Not that I recommend it to all hardline fundamental Christians either.

And so it was that with charm, lightning costume changes, humour, and a copy of the children’s bible (with all the bad bits taken out), The Reduced Shakespeare Company made me, and the rest of a packed Sherman Theatre, laugh like idiots for two hours, with a short break to allow us to catch breath.

Robert Porter

W

ANDRE STITT Cardiff City Centre

O

N VALENTINE’S DAY, Andre Stitt marched down Cardiff High Street with a huge placard simply declaring ‘I love you’. Those lucky enough to be in the town centre were given a badge saying just that, and had the chance to meet one of Cardiff’s most original performance artists. He was happy to share his love with the homeless, old, and cynical young students alike.

One member of the public dismissed him as a ‘hippy’, and another as a ‘born again Christian’. The overwhelming public response,

however, was a smile. The sunny February weather was the perfect backdrop for a man celebrating the delights of love. However, what was the motivation behind this love parade of sorts?

Andre wished to motivate people to enter into a dialogue. In a fast-moving capital city, Andre wanted to encourage the public to communicate. ‘I love you’ has a variety of meanings to Andre himself: respect, dignity, compassion, and handing out a thousand badges in less than an hour.

‘I love you’ was first performed on Wales’s Valentine’s Day with the placard in Welsh.

Bizarrely, of the one thousand people he encountered that day, only eight people understood I Love You when written in Welsh.

Andre Stitt’s work began in Northern Ireland.

His early works were his own personal response to the troubled political climate. His work is nothing if not provocative.

Currently head of the Time Based Art course at Cardiff School of Art, he is a constant source of inspiration for his students.

This could be seen by the way in which they eagerly documented his journey down Queen Street by video camera. It seems whether in the classroom or on the high streets, Andre Stitt is always sure to make an impact.

What next? In two weeks Andre will begin a tour of Japan. He will be performing in theatres and galleries discussing the theme ‘The Informers’.

After the events of September 11th, this piece of art becomes even more significant. It discusses the variety of ways in which we are informed, and the implications of this.

One bemused woman on Valentine’s Day mumbled that she had ‘no time’ for Andre’s antics.

He replied ‘no time for love’. This encapsulates the motivation behind his performance; there is always time for love.

Katie Williamson

Poetry comes FIRST THURSDAY POETRY EVENT Chapter Arts Centre Canton

T

first

manner. However, although her recital caused a rather sombre atmosphere, it also displayed very powerful examples of impressive material.

There was a certain sense of relief once Owen?? (don’t remember name!) took over, since Pascale Petit’s work was quite emotionally draining. His work was a sharp contrast to hers, since it was far lighter in content. His work was more accessible from a first reading and had a general sense of vibrancy about it. It was by no

HIS NIGHT MARKED my first visit to Chapter – a very poor admission as an English student, with far too much time on my hands. I was expecting an intimate atmosphere, with a sparse scattering of people, but what I The poems were very dark found was a small room, and extremely intense, bursting with people. Luckily allowing us to intrude upon once Pascale Petit began, I soon forgot the rather cramped her personal life in a slightly circumstances, and became uncomfortable manner absorbed in the recital.

She read a number of poems means simplistic, but it had a wider appeal, and from various collections, containing a fascination received a more positive reaction from the for the Amazon, demonstrating her attachment to audience.

South America. Her most striking poems came It was an extremely impressive evening full of from the collection which centred around her variety and diversity, giving the opportunity two relationship with her father. The poems were very sample two very talented poets. A similar evening dark and extremely intense, allowing us to intrude takes place monthly, so I shall be making it a upon her personal life in a slightly uncomfortable regular event! Gemma Field

COMPETITION TIME ROSENCRANTZ AND GILDERNSTERN ressurect themselves this March at the New Theatre, and because every Tom Stoppard play deserves an audience, the kindly theatre people are offering you the chance to blag a couple of tickets for Clwyd Theatr Cymru’s production of Rosencrantz and Gildernstern Are Dead; we have three sets of two tickets up for grabs for the first night of the performance, Tuesday 12th March. It’s childs play; it really is. Swot up on your Shakespeare knowledge and then send the answer to our question on an email to Arts at gair_rhydd@hotmail.com and the tickets are yours.

Tom Stoppard’s epic play is based on which Shakespeare tragedy?

a) Antony and Cleopatra b) Othello c) Hamlet Rosencrantz and Gildernstern Are Dead is running from Tuesday 12th March to Saturday 19th March at the New Theatre, at 7.30pm. Ring the Box Office Tom Stoppard on 029 2087 8889. If you join tickets for a reduced price. For Re-act, the young people’s more information call the Box theatre club, you can get your Office.

musicsingles

06 THEA GILMORE Fever Beats (Flying Sparks)

THEA GILMORE: cynical

TETRA SPLENDOUR Pollen Fever (Wishakismo)

THE PORTHCAWL quartet are back, and they mean business with this slice of cool psychadelic-guitar pop. Hauntingly atmospheric, with strong, soaring vocals and soft guitars, the ‘Splendour take us on a swirling mind-trip through their world. Having already obtained a bit of a cult fanbase, Pollen Fever looks set to make the world take notice (of course it helps that they’re all pretty boys), and with a new album due out soon these boys are going to be big. Catch them while you can.

Gemma Jones

ALIZÉE Moi...Lolita

(Requiem Publishing)

musicalbums

OH LÀ LÀ, those French. Britney and Christina may have traded on their youthful sexuality to shift units, but let’s face it: neither of them were ever likely to be virgins. Alizée, on the other hand, recorded a song with the title Moi...Lolita when she was fifteen – now seventeen, its release in the UK was presumably delayed until she’d at least reached the age of consent.

Both her image and music subtly fuse innocence and eroticism in a way that neither brash American could ever understand; if anything, Moi...Lolita is a deliberate invocation of the original Nabokovian Lolita. It’s also the most fantastic pop song – and with the most scandalous video to boot – since the aforementioned Britney’s debut. “C’est pas ma

BOARDS OF CANADA Geogaddi (Warp)

IN 1998 Marcus Eoin and Michael Sandison, generally know as Boards Of Canada, turned the IDM electronica scene on it’s head with the seminal Music Has The Right To Children. A psychedelic flashback of childhood memories, lost films and summer’s evenings, the melody heavy album stunned everyone who heard it and has been cited as one of the major sources for Radiohead’s movement towards more experimental music.

You can therefore get an idea of the hype that has surrounded the release of their second major album – the first full-length release in four years. Expectation is extremely high and already rumour is rife on the internet, with people trying to decipher the meanings behind the songs and discovering that reversed messages are placed into tracks such as A is to B as B is to C. The great news is that the wait has been well worth it. Following the Grolsch ideal of only releasing material when it’s fully ready, Geogaddi is bursting with ideas and layer upon layer of melody and sound. The level of attention to detail is amazing: on each listen I find something new, exciting and different.

Right from the start as the analogue introduction of Ready Lets Go slides gracefully into the supreme Music Is Math you know the

THERE ARE very few artists out there whose prolificacy rivals Thea Gilmore’s. At 21, she already has three LPs in the bag, and barely five months from releasing the latest of them – the superb Rules For Jokers – a new single has appeared.

Then again, there are very few artists out there whose talent rivals Gilmore’s.

Her forte is barbed, cynical social commentary, and clearly she has much to write about; in this case, it’s a sophisticated deconstruction of the anticulture stance which – ironically – constitutes popular culture. As the lady herself sneers, “it’s tragic but it’s true, my friend.” Alex Macpherson faute”, pouts Alizée coquettishly over pervy, bouncy synths, before declaring that “Je suis un phénomène”. Quite. Alex Macpherson

ANGIE STONE FEAT. ALICIA KEYS + EVE Brotha (Arista)

BLACK WOMEN are undeniably in the ascendancy right now, as illustrated perfectly by the three virtuoso talents on display here. It’s somewhat fitting, then, that Stone and her fellow soul sisters should channel their passion into destroying a few stereotypes in a superbly executed vindication of their male counterparts.

“For your information/ a lot of my brothas got education”, croons Stone in the languid, soulful original, before Keys and Eve arrive armed with sampled horns, joyous harmonies and a swinging beat for Brotha Part II. A classy affair.

Alex Macpherson

Love With A Girl backs pithy wisdom (“My left brain knows all love is fleeting/ I must be fine cos my heart’s still beating”) with a flurry of exuberant guitars and remorseless melody, and is less than two minutes in length. And, taking the word ‘basic’ to new levels, b-sides Let’s Shake Hands and Lafayette Blues sound like country hoedowns on speed. Jack White squawks; Meg White plays, apparently, a cardboard box; the world thrills.

Alex Macpherson

WILL YOUNG Evergreen (BMG)

SO NOW, not only do we have our Pop Idol, we also have his brand new single, and quite frankly, it’s a bit of a disappointment. The fact that one of the songs on the single is a cover of a Westlife song seems to imply that Simon Cowell and his BMG cronies truly thought Gareth Gates would win the competition, because no record executive who wants to make serious money would give this flimsy excuse for a song to the huge vocal master that is Will Young.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Will, in fact, I love him, but I am not so blinded by adoration that I cannot see that Evergreen is too wishy washy and girly for him. But that is entirely irrelevant, for people will buy the single anyway, and dammit, I encourage you all to do so, if only because he looks so nice on the front cover.

Go on, people, make this boy a star.

Daniel Barnes (Will’s number one fan)

HEFNER The Hefner Brain (Too Pure)

THE NEW Smiths take us deep into their quirky psychosis with an electronised remix of Dead Media album track When The Angels Play Their Drum Machines leading us off into a kaleidoscopic magic carpet of loops, phasers, drawling drumbeats and synths on the Human League inspired Dark Hearted Discos, itself paradoxically coupled with the Dolly Parton-esque, guitar sliding, deadpan acoustic lament of Can’t Help Losing You. Whilst the sublime piano ballad of All I’ll Ever Need orchestrated by Darren Hayman’s Jarvisesque social parodies; “She is a light left on at home/ A ringing telephone”, complete the ‘Roxy Music would be proud’ romantic ironisation at work. Simian(ites) take note, Britain’s answer to the Eels are at it again. Lee Davies

NICKELBACK How You Remind Me (Roadrunner)

IT SURPRISED me that this hadn’t already been released seeing as it’s been on the MTV/ Kerrang circuit for what seems like forever. A former US number one, Canadian post-grungers Nickelback hit us with this emotive power ballad containing enough angst (“I’m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking”) to keep the average teen happy. If bands like Staind, Creed and Bush are your cup of tea, How You Remind Me won’t disappoint as this is of the same calibre.

Gemma Jones

THE WHITE STRIPES Fell In Love With A Girl (XL)

THE OTHER night, watching the Winter Olympics in true insomniac stylee, Music discovered a new sport. It involved people skiing at top speed up a ramp, taking off vertically into the air and turning three or four somersaults of varying twists and turns, before landing upright again.

Over in a few seconds, it was exhilarating and compelling; indeed, it was the perfect analogy for listening to the White Stripes. Fell In Scottish duo have come up with another certified classic.

Each track takes time to worm it’s way under your skin and into your subconscious, so after five listens it becomes painfully apparent that You Could Feel The Sky is one of the most beautiful pieces of electronic music ever written and that the rest of the album isn’t far off with it’s gorgeous psychedelic loops, gentle melodies and chunky beats. Some of the ‘filler’ tracks are a little weak, but there’s always a fragment of melody or a background sound that makes them essential as part of the whole.

I could spend days writing about how good this album is and how the band have once again raised the stakes for electronic music, but it’s certainly better to discover for yourself and get a copy of this tremendous album, close your eyes and be transported to another world.

Album of the year already? Believe me – it won’t be far off. A truly magical breathtaking album. Andy Parsons

NINE INCH NAILS And All That Could Have Been (Nothing)

IF LIMP Bizkit and friends exist to show us that metal music can be fun through, the slightly suffocating genre we are calling nu-metal, then US rockers Nine Inch Nails represent All That Could Have Been had darker (and less cartoon-friendly) ‘old’ metal taken on Top of the Pops instead. NIN’ live album features over a decade’s worth of tracks, all recorded on the

WILL: “buy my record god dammit I’m a pop idol...”

band’s Fragile V2.0 tour, and produced by frontman Trent Reznor. Unfortunately the CD has been slightly over-produced and much of the band’s raw energy is lost.

Over such a broad period of time, NIN have inevitably undergone stylistic changes, leaving tracks such as 1989’s Sin sounding out of place with its Frankie Goes To Hollywood bassline and 80s synthesizers.

Standout tracks include Piggy, with its dark, plodding bassline and maudlin vocals, The Frail/ The Wretched which moves from a hauntingly gothic piano solo through to mesmerising chants and raw guitars only describable as pure evil in analogue form.

More recent tracks such as The Great Below demonstrate the band’s musical maturity, building up rich layers of emotive vocals and sombre guitars, while 1992’s Wish shows us the truly dark side, placing crazy rantings over speeding guitars to create a raucous barrage of noise.

While this album is certainly going to be a bit of a specialist affair, it does form a nice back catalogue of one of the nineties’ most important rock bands. If there’s one lesson to be learned here, it’s that Fred Durst is not the most evil man on the planet. Sorry kids it’s true. Don’t have nightmares. Maria Lane

90 DAY MEN To Everybody (Southern)

CHICAGO BASED 90 Day Men have a hard task ahead. While the truly encapsulating locking together of piano and guitar rebuffs

static musical boundaries, To Everybody will still regrettably be pushed aside whilst the music industry remains glued to Will Young’s pop idol arse. And that’s quite an obstacle to overcome. But with the current infatuation on these shores with American alternative guitar acts, maybe now is a more receptive period within the British industry to overseas charmers.

Not that it’s possible to instinctively link 90 Day Men to top dogs The White Stripes or The Strokes though. In fact, the ingenuity of the six track mini album and its exploring of a positioning well devoid of arrogance or bravado, amidst a rolling, loose spontaneous sounding construction, means that they are not easily compared with others at all.

Partly due to the compelling positioning of the piano within a sprawling musical backdrop on Last Night, A DJ Saved My Life, an unpolished but nevertheless hypnotic appeal results. On I’ve Got Designs on You, dark undertones and gruff lead vocals condescendingly spit out lines like “And I drink to forget what I’m about to do,” and it is less of a hollow threat of impending nastiness and more an inevitable outcome. This is no knees-up party album to be sure, but instead a celebration of an adventurous jaunt, between Nick Cave levels of melancholy and Pavement-esque degrees of structural flexibility.

It may be undeniably awkward to pinpoint quite why, with their unconformable ways and decidedly testing formulation, but 90 Day Men are worthy of their 10 minutes of fame and much more besides. Gemma Curtis

musicalbums

Book in for therapy CLINIC Walk With Thee (Domino)

WHEREAS SLIPKNOT hide behind deformed disguises to detract from their musical ineptness and banality, Clinic’s medical masks are worn with an air of sarcastic humour. And with Walking With Thee, a definite and progressive expansion within their own musical nuances, they prove they have nothing to hide from.

Although only their second longplayer to date, the band have established themselves as a respected outfit, all be it loitering within a niche market. Admittedly the distinctive, strangled vocals and twisted guitar-based arrangement may not be palatable for all, but it crafts them as being astoundingly challenging within a typical alternative bracket.

Throughout all of the 11 tracks, the discordant and the uncomfortable are embraced and transformed into relatively short, and thus perhaps more digestible, chunks of indie fodder, than any previous endeavours.

Opening the album the haunting synth, plinking piano and harmonica drawl of Harmony, delves into a musical melancholic completism. Superbly atmospheric, a career in writing scores for spine-tingling horror films should follow.

With an engaging, thumping tune, whispered lyrics and an intense build up that never actually climaxes, Welcome dabbles in the pop palate but swiftly swills itself in a skewed scrawl of the usual curious meanderings. The title track has a similar construction. Taken as the first single from the album, Walking With Thee will appear

FENETIK VOL. 2 The Sounds of Music (Fenetik)

2001 WAS a successful year for Glasgow based label Soma, with Funk D’Void, Slam and Silicone Soul releasing hot dancefloor favourites. Meanwhile, sister label Fenetik, conceived to complement Soma’s club orientated output, has established its downtempo, leftfield sound. This second compilation from Fenetik brings together the best tracks from hard to find (and of course, oh so very desirable) vinyl only 12”s to create a tasty delight for the CD buying public.

Largely based around an electro-groove sound the highlight of this compilation is without a doubt the sizzling soul of Pablo’s Supersweet, an instant classic. Other highlights include the super laid-back sexy funk of (the brilliantly titled) Tripple Beam Dream by Lex Horton and the soulful, molten-gospel vocals in the hesitating electro of Lightsleepers Raindance.

This succulent collection does not offer a wide range of sounds, but is a real winner as none of the delicious tunes even attempt to let the album down. Finely tailored to late night listening, this compilation escapes the cursed label ‘Chillout’ as it is simply not that bland.

‘The Sounds of Music’ is an understated collection of sometimes jazzy, sometimes funky, but always sexy grooves to add a little zest to those early hours. Kathryn Archer

TWO DAY RULE When You’re Ready

(Sugarshack Records) OH DEAR. Now I’m not normally quite such a bastard, but I can’t stand this pile of shite.

Who continues to give these people recording contracts? This album takes the term formulaic to an unbelievable new high. Odds and Ends, the first track on the album is that old gem of fast drums, repeated guitar chords and mediocre lyrics. The second track sounds as if it is going to make amends, but before you know it it’s back to track one, both with the obligatory quieter bit with a four/ five note sequence repeated a couple of times before drums and guitar jump back in.

“What about track three?” I hear you all cry.

Bollocks. It doesn’t get any better until track 6,

Clinic: Men who like power (stations) sporadically on Radio 1 much to the bemusement of the majority, and the distinct pleasure of the few.

Whilst harking back to a distinctive rock and roll flavour, Pet Eunoch’s spangling edge screams tongue in cheek. Mr Moonlight then retracts to a downbeat deliberately lingering format, whereas Come Into Our Room, has a begging, possessive intensity. Although The Bridge is rather less clearly directional, the Johnny & Loretta, which is marginally better than the pap which came before it, track 8 is of about the same quality, but track 9 is slower rubbish, and for track 10 they jump back in to their only song. Unfortunately that’s as good as it gets. They got it right themselves with the lyrics to track 12 “he suffered for his art/ and now it’s your turn/ your turn/ to suffer.” You don’t say. Robert Porter

JEWEL This Way (Atlantic)

JEWEL HAS had a break from recording for quite some time but it appears the Alaskan songstress is back with a vengeance with her new album This Way. A collection of such soulful songs led me to realise that many of them wouldn’t be out of place on a certain Dawson’s Creek soundtrack. Now that’s not such a bad thing some may say, and to be fair there are only a few numbers saccharrine enough to have you reaching for your preferred sugar substitute. Other songs embody all the most distasteful elements of country music;

superbly warmly titled Sunlight Bathes Our Homes has a full blown mish-mash of enlightening consequence.

Rather than its distinctiveness leading to a shortcoming in variety, Walking With Thee is as complimentary as a concept album. Best listened to as a whole, the final result is resoundingly good. So it may be in your interests to wander along to a specialist soon; an examination is necessary. Gemma Curtis whiney singing and far too much twangy guitar can be found on the terminally annoying Everybody Needs Someone Sometime and Love Me, Just Leave Me Alone.

But amongst all the dross I did discover some true gems. Jewel is at her melodic best with songs such as Standing Still and Break Me, while on I Won’t Walk Away her voice demonstrates a depth and warmth rarely heard.

Her individual way with words may not be for everyone, but for those who’ve appreciated her style in the past this latest offering will yield few disappointments. LaDonna Hall

DAVID HOLMES Ocean’s Eleven OST – (Warner Brothers)

DAVID HOLMES’ work has always been described as cinematic, and it came as no surprise when Holmes was handed the job of creating and compiling the soundtrack to Out Of Sight, Steven Soderbergh’s classy 1998 film. What might have come as a surprise is how damn good it was. Mixing up funk, soul, brat pack classics and Holmes’ own quality

06 beats and adding a smattering of movie dialogue the soundtrack has become a buried classic amongst the racks of film cds containing the same Limp Bizkit nu-metal bollocks.

Holmes was then the obvious choice when it came to decide who to let create the soundtrack for Soderbergh’s new remake of brat-pack heist-flick Ocean’s Eleven. Featuring a frankly almighty cast and having some heavyweight money behind it, you might be worried that Holmes may have let the standard slide – but he’s stuck with the winning formula and the album is packed with quality from almost beginning to end.

Comprising of songs from such varied artists as Elvis Presley, The Handsome Boy Modelling School, the Philadelphia Orchestra (performing Claire de Lune), and 10 brand new Holmes tracks, the album is carefully spliced together in a style that befits his eclectic roots and fits the feel of the film perfectly.

Shifting tone from glitzy ballroom to sleazy underworld joint to steamy hotel room seamlessly, it’s Holmes own material that really shines (especially Tess and heist theme $160 Million Chinese Man), although he’s still not quite capable of composing a theme as distinctive as something like Bullitt. The only question mark on the album is the inclusion of Holmes’ own 69 Police – a track which never stood out on his last album and is shown up badly here.

I’m hoping the film isn’t a turkey, but frankly when the soundtrack is this good who cares – you can always shut your eyes…

Andy Parsons

Long Time Dead Soundtrack (Talkin’ Loud)

SET IN London, Long Time Dead is about a group of students who decide to take a break from clubbing and dabble with the ouija board, and like every other film like this loads of creepy things start to happen.

Although set in a nightclub, this album failed miserably to reflect any clubbing atmosphere and had me more huddled scared in a corner waiting for the torture to stop.

At first the albums seems to focus on UK garage, however with a tendency to move towards drum and bass with Neil Barnes introducing the line up, followed by DBX and The Theme, which will be sending shivers down your spine. Then it totally contradicts itself in the middle of the album with a more chillout classic with Zero 7 and Waiting Line, then back to a more underground feel towards the end.

Although the album featured some great underground producers such as MJ Cole and Ed Case, I wouldn’t say this is their best work to date.

Let me just warn you in advance if you are tempted to buy this soundtrack… do not listen to the first couple of tracks on your own, as this album sounds more sinister than the film, especially with the dodgy scratching noises in the background. Perhaps this soundtrack would be best used for those studying film and need sound effects. Suzanne Carter

S w e e t D re a m s TANYA DONELLY Beautysleep (4AD)

TRACKING TANYA Donelly’s evolution from a founding member of Throwing Muses, to the first line-up of the Breeders, to front woman of Belly and finally a solo artist, is a delightful journey for any fan of female-led alternative rock.

Almost twenty years later and this lady of fine pedigree is still producing great records.

Beautysleep is her second solo album, and one that’s a little sombre when compared to her earlier work. It’s still crammed full of classic Donelly elements, simple but gorgeous tunes that blend folk and rock into lush arrangements. The distinction this time is that she’s toned

down the guitars; instead different instruments are experimented with such as tape loops, mellotron and organ.

Life is but a Dream and Moonbeam Monkey are the record’s melancholy moments, both send shivers down the spine with their creepy vocals – the latter featuring the familiar dark tones of the late Morphine frontman, Mark Sandman.

It’s not all solemn however, as on The Night You Saved My Life and I’m Keeping You’ Tanya’s familiar pop instincts shine through. And who could mention Ms. Donelly’s music without emphasising that her voice, as ever, is the most powerful instrument on Beautysleep. Subtly recorded, it delicately hits the highest notes in The Storm and soars from perfect sing-a-longs to graceful whispers.

Laura Sykes

PIC: Rob Jackson

musicinterviews

COOPER TEMPLE CLAUSE: missing Brit-Pop (aren’t we all?)

Want to scare an up-andcoming band? Talk to them about the dangers of overnight success.

Dave Gibson meets Bristol based Cooper Temple Clause and finds out why they’re glad their rise into the public eye is going nice and steady...

E

IGHTEEN MONTHS ago, The Cooper Temple Clause were an unsigned, amateur band. Six weeks ago, they were still virtually unheard of by the general public. Film-maker / Been Training Dogs, the band’s last single, recently reached number 20 but, despite the publicity frenzy, Didz Hammond, primarily but not exclusively bass-player, remains laid-back and confident: “A lot of bands have died of hype,” he explains,

“like Ultrasound and Gay Dad and Terris, because they weren’t ready and didn’t have stuff.

In the first year we were around we didn’t get that much hype and attention. The Strokes and The White Stripes kind of took that off us a lot.”

With the recent top ten album successes of The Hives, Electric Soft Parade and Haven, guitar music has undoubtedly returned to British shores.

With new album, See This Through and Leave, in the shops now, where do they see themselves in this new ‘Guitar Britain’?

“I don’t think we’re as radio friendly as Haven and The Hives. We’re a guitar band and we’re British but we’re quite out on our own. There aren’t many people that sound like us and we’re not part of anything so I don’t know. It’s slightly more difficult for us; it’s more against us. But we just haven’t stopped playing live and I think people appreciate that. That’s the way that you get a fanbase rather than a bunch of casual buyers.”

Even still, if there’s a wave to ride, it’s worth riding, especially if, as some claim, guitar music is

08 returning to the dizzy heights of the success of the Brit Pop era. Didz is less certain: “I think the climate now is so different. The thing about Brit Pop was that it was an actual scene and you could kind of relate all the bands together. Sleeper and Blur and Pulp, there was a thread that went right through all those bands, right through to Gene and Oasis. All those bands did have common ground and they were mentioned in the same sentences because they were similar and it was a scene. Whereas, in that Guitar Britain thing, you have us, you have Raging Speedhorn and Lost Prophets. But at the other end of the spectrum, you’ve got Haven, then you’ve got The Coral and The Music and it’s so different.

“I think Brit Pop was an accidental scene and it’s to do with people just celebrating music and they happen to be doing it at the same time. At the moment it’s completely different people, trying to do different things in different ways but with the same purpose so they’re all coming at the same thing at different angles.”

One thing in particular that separates TCTC from their fellow guitar bands are the lyrics.

Throughout See This Through ..., there exists a recurrent theme of violence and depression.

“We’re in a band because we were very into grunge and Brit Pop. That’s what we grew out of, and I think when you grow up with music it does really make it your own, but in about ’96/’97 it just seemed to stop. There’d been eight years of incredible music, just scene after scene and it kind of stopped dead.

“In a similar way that we were frustrated with the music, we became frustrated with the society and the way we were treated because we wore flares, we had longer hair or...I don’t know.

There’s obviously so many times you can deal with standing outside a club at midnight with a girl you’ve just met and some pissed up wanker starts shouting,’You fuckin’ feminine bastard!’ and slagging you off ‘cos he’s jealous or just hates the fact you’re there and looking like you do.

“A lot of our lyrics have got to do with frustration from that kind of social and musical thing. There

are some personal lyrics about an expression of...quite deep sorrow really and an exploration of the kind of contemplation that came out of that sorrow.”

Despite TCTC’s disillusionment with the current music scene, vocalised by the challenge in Let’s Kill Music for musicians to speak their minds, Didz feels there are still important bands out there.

“There are definitely bands around at the moment that can make a difference. The ones for me are the ones that can articulate themselves well and are quite outspoken.

Bands like Radiohead, Primal Scream and Mogwai are making that music and can verbalise really well what their general message is and that’s really good.”

See This Through... has received virtually unanimous approval by the music press. With each track a melting pot of different styles and influences, TCTC have produced one of the more creative albums of recent years. What’s more, it appears to have been accidental, as Didz explains: “Who Needs Enemies? started off sounding a lot like Portishead. Tom found a sample on a reelto-reel player which had this kind of dubby jam going on and then I was playing with the sampler as well and found another one. I broke his so we couldn’t use that and had to use mine which is very typical of how we’ve written in the past. Let’s Kill Music started off sounding like The Sunshine Underground by The Chemical Brothers, quite blissed out and spacey, and then we played it live too much and it’s taken on this fuckin’ electropunk persona. A strange thing considering where it starts from.”

And so The Cooper Temple Clause find themselves promoting an accidentally fantastic album which looks set to keep the band around for a while longer yet. They are hoping to play Reading and Glastonbury and start a tour of Japan, America and Australia in March before touring the UK again.

“We just want to play to as many people as’ll have us really”.

locally?

“It’s something the label wanted us to do,” diminutive bassist Elliot Blake explains.

“There’s no massive scale production, it’s a pretty simple recording.”

“We’ve re-recorded the E.P tracks for the album,” continues Nic. “There’s a lot of varying stuff on it, we’ve got a mellow vibe on it and a very hip-hop track on there too, just good stuff all the way through. We did exactly what we went over there to do.”

Categorising KST’s sound is not easy, with a list of influences ranging from BB King, via U2, Smut Peddlers to Hed(PE) and Rage Against The Machine, the music they make covers a lot more ground than the nu-metal tag allows.

“There are shades of nu-metal I suppose, but we’re not a nu-metal band. We do whatever we want to do when we write, we don’t write

particular songs in a particular way,” says Elliot.

“There’s no way you can sit back in a band and say I’m going to write songs like this all the time, it just gets boring.”

Not that they care too much, as Nic puts it: “It’s not really a big issue, if people call us opera and they still like us, then I don’t really give a shit!”

What of the future?

“The album is scheduled to be released early summer, we want to get on to as many festivals in this country as possible.”

And more long term, KST battling the likes of Limp Bizkit for world chart supremacy? Nic’s quietly confident: “Oh we’ll have a go man!”

As long as there’s a nice joint to be smoked and a laugh to be had along the way, then they probably will.

Dead good Kennedys!

They say the best gigs are in front of a home crowd. Rob Jackson chats to Newport’s own nu-metal monkeys, The Kennedy Soundtrack, and asks them if they’re looking forward to coming back to their roots when they play South Wales this month...

O

date UK tour that included playing to their home crowd at Cardiff’s Barfly last week. Were they looking forward to it?

“The playing part’s wicked, it’s just the sleeping in the van that sucks,” explains guitarist and lead vocalist Dave Challenger.

“The Barfly gig, that’s the one we’re most nervous about. We haven’t played there for a while and a lot of our friends will be coming down to that one. It’s always more nerveracking playing in front of your friends.”

That said, KST have the reputation of an intense live show to fall back on: “We get into it, we love what we do, we love the music, we love the live aspect of it,” says Nic. “When a crowd gets off on it, it just adds to it even more.”

The tour is going to be a good start to the year for the band, but the highlight will be the release of their album. Originally signed to Sony offshoot Instant Karma with a two E.P deal last July, the deal was extended in November. As a result, KTS have recently returned from America where they have been recording the album with legendary producer Steve Thompson, responsible for amongst other things, Gun ‘n Roses’ Appetite For Destruction. Nic is positive about the work they’ve done: “We had a good time out there, it was a great laugh. Steve’s a wicked producer, he seems to have captured the sound really well, he was really into us, loved recording us.”

What about the E.P which was recorded

PIC: Rob Jackson

UTSIDE THE grey mist is clinging to the Welsh hills, but as they sit passing round what is more than likely not the first joint of the morning, The Kennedy Soundtrack don’t seem to have a care in the world. Who can blame them – their hopes of leading the British resistance to Americas Nu-Metal invasion have seen the five college friends from Newport go from strength to strength in the last five years, and now everything is in place for 2002 to be their year.

The Kennedy Soundtrack are in Porth to appear on BBC’s The Pop Factory promoting their debut release, The Wrong Day E.P. Outside the gates hoards of teenage girls are gathering to catch a glimpse of squeaky clean boy-band A1, who are also appearing on the program, not that it seems to phase the bands rapper Nic Havard: “When it comes to boy-bands and girlbands, it’s not my bag. It’s always going to be around, but I can guarantee groups like Lost Prophets are going to be a lot bigger than those.”

The Lost Prophets, KST’s South Wales brothers in metal, are certainly trying their hardest – the phenomenal success of last year’s album Thefakesoundofprogress and a top billing on the recent NME tour is certainly helping to pave the way for British metal bands. With such success rekindling interest in home-grown talent, KST couldn’t have picked a better time to make their move. As well as the E.P, KST are currently in the middle of a 28

KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK: from Nu-port

Temple of doom

THE LATEST leg in the seemingly-random Radio 1 Session in Wales / Welsh Music Foundation “Around The Bloc” tour of patchy Welsh chancers/unrealised genius’s hits The Barfly.

Somehow Reading’s Cooper Temple Clause got caught up in the shindig. Something to do with The Charlatans, apparently.

These things usually are.

First up under the glassy eyed gaze of the five people who bothered to turn up early were Sammo Hung, a collective of three bland looking chaps and one ferocious vixen of a front woman. They belt their way through about six angular fizzbombs in just over ten minutes. Short, sharp ankle biting rock lost somewhere between Ikara Colt and Hole. Marvellous.

I’m not sure if Exit were aware of Anthony Royle’s namesake joke of a band in The Royle Family when they chose their moniker, but really, Exit? Anyhow, that aside: if Lost Prophets are Welsh-nu-metal, then Exit are effectively nuWelsh-nu-metal, a categorisation of similar stupidity as the belief that the band aren’t essentially every nu-metal cliché in the book. Oddly, during the closing number, the dual vocalists do the whole ‘Papa Roach dancing through the crowd’ a la the video for Last Resort, and it happens to be the most entertaining moment of the night. Unspeakably amateur, yet for some bizarre reason, fucking fantastic.

Which all only seemed to show The Kennedy Soundtrack up as the contrived, organised metal that has earned them the tag “The Welsh Rage Against The Machine”. However, instead of the fierce political rants of Zach De La Rocha, we have some

GRADE Newport TJs UNLIKE MOST of the bands featured in a recent magazine special, Grade are actually an emo band, although after watching tonight’s performance you wouldn’t know it. Grade don’t seem to care about their fans and the fact that the support bands got more applause says everything. A near total lack of participation with the crowd doesn’t help matters and when the band finish after less than half an hour, it’s the icing on a shit flavoured cake that shows total and utter contempt for the fans who bothered to come out in the pouring rain to see them.

Vocalist Kyle Bishop might have blamed it on the monitors which he complained about during the set, but that is no excuse, especially when rather than carry on singing, he just stopped like he didn’t care about what he was saying. When you’re in a genre of music which is all about feeling and emotion, that is unforgivable. Owain Cooke

DJ SPOONY Solus

AS OUR dear Union acknowledges the existence of music outside the genres of indie, pop and dance, the ents department now promote Candy – Hip Hop, R&B and UK garage.To launch said weekly soirée the everpopular Dreem Team sent down proud Londoner DJ Spoony. Boooo Selecta, eh kids?

Although not a habitual listener of the likes of Ja Rule, Mysteeq, Destinys Child et al., your ever-open minded hack was most impressed by the top-notch booty-shaking action. Openers DJ Jamie Saunders and Rishi played dancefloor-friendly classics leaving the late Spoony little room to manouvre without replication. Not that many cared, he could play anything and the masses would still love him, the icon that he is.

So, with beautiful ladies, oh yes, and some very handsome men too, a Union night has been contrived that provides free entry before 10pm, cheap drinks, a refreshing music policy and the most amiable vibe Solus has seen for a while. Hmmmm, excellent.

Andrew Davidson

CHRISTOPHER REES Toucan Club JUSTIN PREECE is the opening act tonight and keeps everyone relatively amused while we all wait for feature presentation Mr Rees to come on. Preece’s songs, for a solo acoustic performance, were perhaps a little bit too long and in some cases were quite tedious.

The atmosphere perked up though, when

Welsh homeboy who refers to himself as “the fat MC” and have songs about “just kicking back with a smoke.” Irrelevant.

Leaving us with The Cooper Temple Clause. Aside from some lowly moshers who pogoed to the fast-bits of The Kennedy Soundtrack, the majority of the sell out crowd are here to see The Cooper Temple Clause. On paper, it’s clear to see why. They’re fresh, new talent who make sexy crazypaving rock for intelligent 16-25 year old. And hence, during relatively competent recent single Film Maker and it’s bastard cousin Been Training Dogs, the audience become one seething, slobbering mass. But apart from that?

The rest is a hideous mess of nasal grouching, horrifically long build-ups into entirely tuneless choruses (most notably on The Murder Song), fiddly keyboard intros (which although add a certain extra dimension, only clutter the performance) and awful technics which swamp out half the vocals anyway.

Plus the entire band sport nearly identical haircuts, which puts them in the same catastrophic boat as Atomic Kitten and ZZ Top. Above this though, it’s all so frightfully dull, and you can’t help but feel sorry that our new British hopes amount to a regurgitated meal of Oasis and King Adora.

The trouble is, TCTC are a bit like the magician David Blaine. They have a few smart card tricks they can pull out to impress people now and then, but once you see through it, what’s exposed is the over-hyped, over-produced, overglorified nothingness. I blame The Charlatans. The penultimate track in the set has the hilariously substanceless title of Let’s Kill Music. Alright! Let’s start with these twats.

John Widdop

second support act Hobo came out on stage.

The three piece performed an upbeat set of acoustic funk-pop-rock, which had the majority of the crowd happily nodding their heads and tapping their feet.

Finally, at around 11pm, Christopher Rees and his mighty band took the stage. For those not familiar with Rees’ band, it consists of a cellist, a violinist, a double bass player, a keyboard/ pianist, an electric guitarist, a drummer and of course Christopher Rees himself, who grapples an acoustic guitar and delivers the vocal element to the songs.

Anyway, the seven musicians delivered yet another energetic and exhilarating performance of intelligent Buckley-style rock, once again proving that Christopher Rees and co. are the best musicians currently racing the local music scene circuit in Cardiff. The power behind the music lies in Rees’ visible passion and the tense restraint put into his performance (he often seemed close to smashing his guitar). As well as this, the

Pics: Rob Jackson

COOPER TEMPLE CLAUSE/ THE KENNEDY SOUNDTRACK Barfly

09

CTC’S BEN: You’re twisting my melons man

excellent dynamics of the songs, which often finish with a deafening and awesome crescendo peak with all the musicians thrashing their instruments, help create an incredibly moving experience.

If you haven’t seen Christopher Rees play, go and see him the next time he does before he’s snapped up by Mr Big Record Label and taken from Cardiff to tour the country. If you have seen him already, then I know you’ll be at his next gig. Jamie Grierson

EASYWORLD Barfly EASYWORLD LIKE expensive toys.

Frontman DJ Ford has three genuine Fender Telecasters and a huge Marshall stack and Jo plays a very nice Jazz bass through high-end Hartke amplification. Drummer Glen has to make do with a plastic melodica but he does get to employ someone to hide behind the bass amp just to pop out and adjust his kit

mid-set. And they still have petty cash left over for eye make up (boys) and Pokemon stickers (girl).

But what do they sound like? Crafted indie rock with subtle backing tape electronica and a nice line in squealing guitar lines from DJ. He’s lost his geek spectacles since last time here but the music retains its share of Weezerisms and the mascara and poppy hooks show somebody’s been listening to Placebo on the tour bus. Jo stands pretty still but plays some sweet melodies and Gregg might just be the best melodicaist Cardiff’s ever seen. They both add harmonies to the slick songs and there’s enough variety to hold the interest for half an hour or so, conveniently the duration of their show.

They dedicate Junkies And Whores to everyone in the audience, even if we think we’re neither, which begs the question – who paid for your toys girls and boys? Corporate indie, the nation’s choice for an indifferent tomorrow. Mei Lewis

Hip-hop happenings OZOMATLI Coal Exchange IMAGINE, IF you will, a strange hybrid of an LA hip hop act, a Mexican mariachi band and the Notting Hill Carnival. Sound mad? Well that’s the best description that I can come up with for Ozomatli, who look and sound like pretty much no other band on the planet.

Famed for their live performances the band, all nine of them, give 150% into making their live show something special – and it sure is. Starting in the crowd with percussion, brass and whistles they dance their way through the crowd before reaching the stage and launching their set with the spectacular O Le Le. Rapidly switching between hip hop and Latin styles the band keep the music fast and furious. The band are fascinating to watch too, with members weaving in and out of each other to perform solos (one guy even uses a horn made from a conch shell) and dance.

Best track of the evening has to be Vocal Artillery which lives up to its title on all accounts featuring some excellent rhymes and superb brass. Halfway through the set the band come back out into the crowd and get everyone to sit down while they perform,

then they’re back on stage raising the roof once more.

After a seemingly all to short 2hr set the band leave the stage once more and jam in the foyer as the crowd pack in from every side. It’s easy to forget the terrible weather

and my absolutely stinking cold with music and people obviously so full of joy and happiness. We were promised a special experience and boy did we get one. The perfect antidote to the winter blues.

Andy Parsons

Pics: Rob ‘class’ J

musiclive

Ozomatli: I caught a fish this big

filmreview/profile

10

Lord of the ring Dir: Michael Mann 15, 159 mins

W

hatever you have read, and despite Stallone insisting otherwise, the latest Rocky movie is already on our screens.

And it has come in the form of Ali. This is not a criticism, for in many ways the Rocky franchise encapsulated many of the aspects which make sport great, and it is glib to suggest that Ali merely follows the formulaic ‘individual fights against the odds’ paradigm that is central to Stallone’s work.

Yet, from the opening frames depicting a young Cassius Clay in training, to the conclusive freeze frame of Ali, hands aloft in triumph after the Rumble in the Jungle, there is no doubting that Michael Mann could have easily offered Ivan Drago instead of Joe Frazier or Henry Cooper, and no-one would have really cared.

Make no mistake, this film’s about boxing.

Ali traces the turbulent period from 1964 when Ali defeated Sonny Liston to 1974's Rumble in the Jungle bout against George Foreman in Zaire. It covers, albeit briefly, his controversial friendship with the black militant leader, Malcolm X, his failure to enrol with the US army during the Vietnam war, and in far greater detail, his often contradictory relationships with the opposite sex.

Will Smith brings to Ali a gravitas that has remained elusive in his previous work, perhaps because he shares many similarities with the man himself.

Physically, he bears little resemblance to the boxer,

Ali’s life is accessible, a sort of rocky for the MTV generation, and in doing this Mann excels though a year in training has yielded 35 pounds in extra muscle as yet another Hollywood actor tries their hand at the once revered ‘method’ technique.

Smith is competent, but his lines would have sounded witty and sharp if Gareth Gates had lined up for audition (though the shoot may have taken far

longer), and the effect is to leave an audience of our generation disappointed that they will never see the now aged Ali in his full pomp.

The rest of the cast performs valiantly, though never upstages Smith, who is always left with a cool witticism to reel off whenever the plot loses it’s tension.

Mann’s direction is generally sharp and he retains the ability to utilise innovative film making techniques without them seeming gimmicky or confusing. In fact, it is often in his use of less revolutionary methods that he fails.

Both sex scenes would look more at home in a Swedish porn movie than a Hollywood Blockbuster. The film also relies, somewhat peculiarly, on video montages of the great man in action. Whether he’s training, fighting the government, or finding the latest in a long string of women, the action is accompanied by an atmospheric soundtrack.

This makes Ali’s life eminently accessible but it doesn’t allow Mann to offer any significant insights. As a biopic for the MTV generation, this film excels.

But what does it conclude? It skates over the most interesting aspects of Ali’s life, such as his relationship with Malcolm X and the true reasons behind his decision to avoid national service, and we are left dissatisfied as to what Ali was truly like.

This is disappointing because Mann constructs a film of epic ambition, wonderfully stylised, and with the potential to offer new perceptions of one of the few sportsmen to have truly transgressed his professional boundaries to become a legend for what he did as a man. Whilst an extremely enjoyable biopic, you always get the feeling that, as ever, Hollywood doesn’t want to offend anyone.

Tristan Thomas

W

ill Smith was born in Philadelphia and initially set his sights on a music career. He met Jeff Townes at a party and they became good friends, performing as Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. But Smith was looking for something new and met Benny Medina who had the idea for a sitcom based on his life in Beverly Hills. That series was The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and was a massive international success. The series lasted for six years and don’t pretend you don’t know all the words to the theme song.

Will Smith was part of other projects during the six-year run of the Fresh Prince.

In 1993 he was in a comedy with Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson about the mistakes that happen in a sperm clinic. His role as Paul in Six Degrees of Separation was the part that started to get him noticed as an actor but it was the role of Mike Lowrey in the action comedy Bad Boys which really put him in the spotlight.

If you want a guaranteed summer blockbuster, the plot usually involves aliens taking over Earth. In 1996, it was no exception – Independence Day hit the screens. Will Smith played the major role of Captain Steven Hiller, the fighter pilot who saves the world, as they always do.

In 1997, the following summer, he hit the box office again with the international smash Men In Black, a light-hearted comedy about the agency which deals with aliens. As Agent J starring opposite Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K, Smith provided an onscreen charisma that is hard to match. And they’re back later this year in the sequel.

Then, for the third year in a row, Will Smith starred in the summer blockbuster. In 1998 he starred as Robert Dean, as a lawyer who becomes the target of the NSA. The action thriller Enemy of the State was a step forward after his comedies, but in 1999 he tried to recreate the successful elements of Men In Black with Wild Wild West.

He even tried to copy the success he had by singing the theme song to the film.

The comedy was not Smith’s usual style, the effects were awful, and although the theme song was catchy, it just wasn’t Men In Black.

Since then, Smith has starred in only two films. After the minimal success of Wild Wild West he has been obviously choosing his roles more carefully. In 2000 he starred opposite Matt Damon and Charlize Theron in the The Legend of Baggar Vance, in which he played the title role.

His latest release in the UK is the biography of the sports legend Muhammed Ali in Ali. He has undergone an intense fitness regime in order to bulk up his normally gangly figure to look like the legendary boxer. His next big release is going to be Men In Black 2. There aren’t many sequels that are successful, but there is no doubt that Will Smith will pull in the audience for another blockbuster. Kate Shaw

Actor Profile: Will Smith

ALI Starring: Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Jon Voight, Mario Van Peebles, Jeffrey Wright

filmreviews/profile

11

A film to Crowe about A BEAUTIFUL MIND Starring: Russell Crowe, Ed Harris, Jennifer Connelly, Christopher Plummer Dir: Ron Howard 12, 135 mins

D

r. John Nash (Crowe) is a brilliant mathematician desiring to solve a completely original problem and win recognition in post-war America. Though his peers and lecturers dismiss his fantasies as impossible, Nash is fuelled by the encouragement of room mate Charles (Paul Bettany), and makes a huge breakthrough by observing pulling tactics in the college bar.

Although a shy, blunt and socially inept creature, Nash eventually finds love with attractive student Alicia (Jennifer Connelly). But his life becomes one of secrecy when chosen to help the US government in the capacity of code breaker during the early years of the Cold War. Nash plunges himself into the job, watched over by ‘big brother’ William Parcher (Ed Harris) and risking his life as the Russian terrorists hunt him down.

Constrained to keep his activities secret, he suffers alone, fearing for his life and unable to abandon the project.

It isn’t long before the outside world begin to view him as mad and diagnose him as schizophrenic. Nash desperately fights to verify his sanity and prove the secret missions to his wife and friends.

Crowe embodies the confused doctor admirably, fluctuating between academic arrogance and a terrified fear of his pursuers. Don’t expect the phowarsome Crowe of Gladiator; at times he recalls Hoffman’s Rain Man and Hank’s Forrest Gump, with his odd mumblings, pigeon steps and in the sympathy

Crowe embodies the confused doctor admirably, fluctuating between academic arrogance and a terrified fear of his pursuers

Actor Profile: Russell Crowe

I

t’s hard to believe that Russell Ira Crowe, 5’ 11’’ Oscar winning hunk of megastardom, actually once had a realised in the audience. modest (and no less credible?) role in The film sensitively tackles the delicate nature of one of our favourite Australian imports, schizophrenia and its affect on the closest relations of Neighbours. the sufferer. Connelly is completely believable as This is the man who wowed Nash’s suffering wife and Plummer plays slighty audiences worldwide with his almost sinister Dr. Rosen with obvious enjoyment. god-like manly physique, stoic bravery Harris, representing the mighty force of the US and one of the most memorable phrases secret service, is, as ever, the somewhat menacing in film, go on say it with me: "I am figure in the Maximus Decimus Meridius..." background.

It’s hard to believe His peformance that he once strolled acts as a check into what is now Lou’s against the Place as that well threatening known character oversensibility Kenny Larkin. of Crowe and Yes well I can’t Connelly’s remember him either, emotionally but he must have charged certainly made an characters. impression because Although the since then, film has its slow particularly in the last moments, for a few years, he has film about most become the golden sane people’s boy of Hollywood. worst subject Not content with maths, it has its winning the Best fair share of Actor Oscar for drama, action Gladiator and being and suspense previously nominated and moments for his role as a tobacco industry of true comedy. whistleblower in The Insider, Kiwi Crowe And, has just notched up another nomination predictably for for his portrayal of schizophrenic a Russell mathematician John Nash in one of this Crowe film, it years Oscar favourites A Beautiful Mind. has a healthy Hopefully this film, which opens here dose of shortly, will erase the memory of his last American picture Proof of Life, where clearly the schmaltz. The central message seeming to tell us to only interesting thing was his off screen forget the math, forget saving America from the relationship with leading lady Meg Ryan.

Russians and forget a schizophrenic illness, all you ‘Rusty’, as his friends call him, was really need is love. first seen on the silver screen in 1990 Despite the sentiment, A Beautiful Mind is a thought film Prisoners of the Sun, but really provoking film which will set you thinking about the sparked peoples attention for his role as real and the imaginary, genius and madness. It is not skinheaded neo-nazi in Aussie just a film for the mathematicians amongst us, but action/drama Romper Stomper. Here he rather for those who like to have a film to reflect upon played Hando, leader of a gang who long after the popcorn has disappeared. terrorises the Vietnamese inhabitants of Charlotte Spratt

his area.

His fist major starring role was in 1995’s The Quick and The Dead where alongside stars such as Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman and a fresh faced Leo DiCaprio, he played a local preacher who gets caught up in a gun-fighting contest filled with treachery and revenge.

Other roles came flooding in and then, in 1997, he took on the role of Wendell ‘Bud’ White in Curtis Hanson’s LA Confidential, a grim look at the internal corruption of the 50’s LA cops – those who were meant to be the pride of the force.

His most famous and well-received picture to date has obviously been Gladiator.

This film seemed to be more like a force of nature than your average blockbuster movie, and has earned Crowe an impressive number of plaudits from that Oscar to Empire magazines sexiest movie character of all time, beating the likes of James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and numerous Bond Girls.

However film isn’t all the man himself is famed for. He also plays in a rock band called 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, where tickets for one of his recent gigs were selling for up to five hundred pounds on internet auction site E-bay.

38 year old Crowe has also been seen to tread the boards down under in stage productions like Grease and The Rocky Horror Show where he played camp transvestite, Dr Frank ‘n Furter.

Can you just image such a pillar of masculinity prancing round the stage in stockings and suspenders? Now there's a sight for sore eyes! Beth Kenure

Lady Luck runs amok LUCKY BREAK Starring: James Nesbitt, Olivia Williams, Timothy Spall, Bill Nighy, Lennie James, Christopher Plummer Dir: Peter Cattaneo 12, 108 mins On Video: Now

L

ucky Break is the much anticipated release from Full Monty director Peter Cattaneo. Unfortunately, anyone expecting a recreation of laugh out loud situations and memorable scenes that we all know from Monty, will be disappointed.

James Nesbitt (Adam in Cold Feet) and Lennie James star as bank robbers sent down for 12 years at HM Long Rudford. ‘Hands’ (Nesbitt) can’t bear the thought of spending the next twelve years locked up and it isn’t long before he hatches a plan of escape.

When he suggests that the inmates perform a musical, the Governor (Christopher Plummer) jumps at the chance to see his own Nelson

–The Musical up on stage. Using this as a front for their breakout, it isn’t long before Hands and Rudy (James) gain several companions.

Lets see, does a film featuring several down and out middle aged men sound familiar?

Predictably there are also the usual characters, the clever charming ringleader, his cool sidekick (James), a posh bumbling bloke (Bill Nighy), a Scouse nutter and the timid bullied Timothy Spall. Not forgetting the baddie, Chief of Security (Ron Cook), boo-hiss!

What ensues is the obligatory camaraderie,

over-coming of differences and a lot of Nesbitt’s Irish charm. It is a bit like Porridge with songs and no Ronnie Barker.

There is also an unconvincing romantic sideline – Hands manages to fall in love with the head of the Prison Support Unit over the prison tomatoes. Why Catteneo felt the need to include this in the storyline is beyond me, the film would fare better without it. It also feels like the director is trying to bring Nesbitt’s Cold Feet character to the big screen, this might endear the film to some people, but for me Adam Williams should stay on ITV.

The best part of the film is watching the prisoners rehearsing and performing – it did manage to get some laughs. The title of the musical is amusing itself, and the songs were so bad they were actually quite good! This is not surprising considering it was written by Stephen Fry, who has come up with deliberately cheesy lyrics.

The lead characters were not so much charming and endearing, but annoying and actually quite boring. In fact I didn’t really care if they escaped or not!

Timothy Spall was the subtle but standout performance of the whole lot, Nighy was amusing as an older version of endless Hugh Grant characters, but was given little screen time compared to the others.

Considering this was a much anticipated film, it was very much a disappointment. Perhaps it was trying too hard to be as successful as The Full Monty. It is mildly amusing and too slow for me, let’s just say it is the type of film your Dad might like – it’s even suitable for your gran!

Perhaps it would have fared better as a TV comedy-drama rather than a feature film.

Kathryn Williams

filmclub

12

Vive la Resistance!

CHARLOTTE GRAY Starring: Cate Blanchett Billy Crudup Michael Gambon Rupert Penry-Jones Dir.: Gillian Armstrong 12, 121 mins.

W

ITH AN ALMOST overwhelming influx of films gracing our cinemas at the moment, it is hardly surprising that a Second World War French set isn’t pulling the punters in. But should Gillian Armstrong’s latest piece be automatically rejected in favour of a smarter, slicker film?

Perhaps. The first scenes, when we watch Charlotte (Cate Blanchett) meet a naval officer, fall in love and resolve to join the war effort in order to do something brave and courageous, are dramatised in unnervingly swift succession. Thank goodness things start to calm down once she finds her feet on French soil, not only speaking a different language, but with a new hair do and a new name to match. Charlotte becomes Dominique, a transition that is aided by the support and warm heartedness of the partisans she finds herself working amongst.

I would have no problem settling in if I had to report back to a certain Julien (Billy Crudup) every couple of days. That chiselled look, coupled with extraordinary eyes and a typically continental passion for political beliefs make Julien an irresistable character, capable of making any reserved English girl’s heart miss a beat or two. His father, Monsieur Levade Michael Gambon), is equally amiable, serving up rabbit stew at opportune moments and lifting the grave atmosphere with his gentle, calm manner.

Cate Blancett is perfectly cast as Charlotte/ Dominque, however while in the former role as a footloose and fancy free London socialite we often sense her awkwardness. This fuses well with her dissatisfaction that stems from feeling useless at home when she could contribute more abroad with her language skills.

However, Blanchett cuts a sharper image as an anguished heroine, whose cast iron willpower also demonstrates a softer side, ultimately moving us all with her final resolve.

As a hardened Sebastian Faulks fan I have read the novel, and inevitably conclude that the screenplay can’t explore the complex issues surrounding Resistance France and the Vichy Government, or Charlotte’s undertaking as a British spy as the book does. But instead it

works on another level, making the decisions feeling of not quite being true to the reality of and conflicts they faced come to life in more a wartime existence. human terms.

So, go and see Charlotte Gray, prepared The house and Blanchett cuts a sharper image small town, however, are as an anguished heroine, whose faithful cast iron will power also representations, the former being as demonstrates a softer side vast and haunting as I envisaged, while the latter being full of all not only for an empty cinema, but also to sit the characters and life associated with a through these slight imperfections, and be remote, south west French settlement. The rewarded with a tear-jerking story that shows scenery, too, is spectacular; but perhaps the the resilience of friendships and love despite endless lavender fields and luscious, green distressing circumstances. countryside evoke a Captain Correlli-esque Lizzie Brown

It’s Dinner Time Anthony Hopkins reprises his role as Hannibal Lecter for the second time in Ridley Scott’s stylish horror flick, Hannibal, showing this week at the Gair Rhydd Film Club. Join for free by taking along the voucher below and get in for just £2 every week. Membership cards will soon be issued bringing you further benefits. So come along this Wednesday at 2pm at UGC Cardiff.

Weekly Film Competition

WIN 10 UGC CINEMA TICKETS That’s right kids, we have the usual five pairs of UGC cinema tickets to give away to five lucky readers who can answer the following question: What is the name of the second film, chronologically, in the Hannibal trilogy?

To win just e-mail grfilmdesk@hotmail.com with “Film Competition 715” in the subject box.

GR714 Answer: Jason Biggs GR714 Winners: Kathy Wilshere, Victoria Clarke, Sophie Philips, Simon Ng and Oliver Downes. Congratulations – pick up your tickets from the GR office.

In association with Membership Application Name:.................................................

E-mail:................................................

Mobile:................................................

COMING UP IN FUTURE WEEKS: Almost Famous, Traffic, The Thin Red Line, Schindler’s List, The Wild Bunch: Directors Cut .

gamesreviews g

13

Play it again, Sam SERIOUS SAM 2: THE SECOND ENCOUNTER (PC) Take 2 Interactive

T

AKE 2 INTERACTIVE'S Serious Sam: The First Encounter was last year's most surprising first-person shooter. Featuring Croatian developer Croteam's brand new ‘Serious Engine’ that could render literally hundreds of weird, dangerous creatures simultaneously within huge environments at the cost of little slowdown, Serious Sam offered no shortage of pure old skool arcade blasting action and won its fair share of plaudits from press and gamers alike. One thing this fest of blood, guts and inane Yank humour definitely is not is serious.

The Second Encounter picks up the plot moments after the first game left off. Having travelled back in time to ancient Egypt and

defeated countless minions of the nefarious Mental, Sam "Serious" Stone catches a ride aboard an alien spaceship that will take him straight to the heart of his archrival's domain.

Unfortunately, it unceremoniously crash-lands right back on Earth, this time in South America where Sam has to do the whole hero thing all over again. Like its predecessor, The Second Encounter plot is merely an excuse to kick off the most hardcore fragfest this side of Doom.

The massive twelve levels that the singleplayer mode of The Second Encounter provides justify the low price of admission on their own, but, like the original, the brilliant split-screen co-operative and deathmatch modes are the juicy bits that really steal the show. Serious Sam veterans will also be pleased to hear that all of their favourite, and least favourite, monsters from the first game can be found in force throughout The Second

Encounter, with many having developed a few new tricks. Old and new foes alike will attack you with reckless abandon, and you'll need all your wits about you to survive 'cause these bastards just keep on coming.

The first game had a ton of weapons in it, and three new sparkling additions bring the total to fourteen. A testament to Id Software's classic Doom comes in the form of a finger lickin' good chainsaw, The brilliant split-screen whilst there's also a co-operative and deathmatch stunning Return to modes steal the show Wolfenstein-esque flamethrower and an ever sticks a middle finger up at more refined so-satisfying high-velocity sniper rifle for feelexamples of the FPS genre such as Half-Life good headshots. and Deus-Ex. With virtually non-existent AI, Graphically speaking, things have greatly no computers to hack or conspiracies to crack improved since the first game. However, this and definitely no sneaking around, The has had a noticeable effect on frame-rates, Second Encounter is beautiful for what it is – and the game feels a tad sluggish even on a a cracking good laugh. It's also one of a very high-end GeForce 3-based system. small percentage of games that can be Considering that both Return to Castle wholeheartedly recommended to almost Wolfenstein and Medal of Honour: Allied everyone, in particular because it retails at Assault sport visuals that are streets ahead of just twenty squids. Pucker! Rob Taylor The Second Encounter yet still run more acceptably, this is a bit of a let-down. SonicsBTW- You’ll need a high spec PC to work it, wise, the game sports a few inane ditties that 700 mhz, P3 at least. Thanks to Paul Sloman will have you reaching for the volume switch whose PC, like mine, couldn’t run Serious within a few minutes, but the sound effects Sam 2. We’ll wait for the XBox version. are decent enough.

(Games Ed) Serious Sam 2 is the kind of game that

Space is the race SPACE RACE (PS2) Infogrames

A

KA LOONEY Tunes Space Race on the Dreamcast. Why the Looney Tunes name is dropped I don't know, not that it or it's characters – Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Wile E. Coyote, Elmer Fudd and chums are unknown or unsaleable. Seeing as Space Race is essentially Mario Kart with Looney Tunes characters racing on tracks set in space there was nothing wrong with the original title – the game does exactly what it says on the tin.

Choose your favourite character (mine's Wile E. Coyote, as he holds up slogan-ridden signs like 'Yay' if he hits someone and 'drat' if he misses) and get to the finish line using speed ups and weapons to beat the rest. Being a game pretty much aimed at kids, they're not called 'weapons' but 'gags' and include objects you'd see in a typical Looney Tunes cartoon, like bombs, black holes, anvils, safes and pink elephants.

The gameplay is darn hectic. Despite Acme powerups you can't pull out in front and easily escape the armed mob behind you.

The characters are very competitive, constantly bombarding yourself and each other with an array of gags.

The graphics are very good and look like a cartoon come to life.

Everything from the colours used to the backgrounds, where UFO's fly overhead, trains go past, pirates walk the plank – it's not distracting, but a bonus that you slowly begin to notice. Bugs Bunny and pals are rendered using the en vogue cell shading technique, so they look like 3D representations of their 2D selves.

This is aided by the excellent sound, with the characters having a full range of quips to diss their opponents during the race. If they're not voiced by Mel Blanc et al. are done by excellent imitators.

However, the control is a little dodgy – the swerve buttons don't allow your character to sidestep the impending elephant or whatever, but move them to the other side of the screen, perilously close to the edge.

But then, only Bugs Bunny knows how to sidestep – Wile E. Coyote doesn't. How many times has he been chased by a train, thinking he can outrun it, when hundreds of times before he has been flattened, humiliated, and cried himself to sleep.

Donkeys learn faster than he does. The track design is nothing spectacular, relying on the background 'noise' to give it an air of excitement.

Other usual rules apply – races won will earn you points that you can choose to unlock items, animations, movies, and other characters.

Rather optimistically, one of them requires 50,000 points, which would need you to win 10,000 races. Yeah, I'll do that when pigs might fly, and I don't mean that 'confirmed bachelor' Porky.

Space Race is a solid, entertaining game that should provide hours of entertainment, mainly for the kids. The more mature and discerning gamesplayer may instead prefer a blast of Wipeout Fusion. Good, but no exploding cigar. Chris Faires RIP Chuck Jones, creator of Bugs Bunny, animator on Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies, and all-round Genius, who died last week. 21 September 1912- 22 February 2002.

THE NEWS COCK RUFFLE MY FEATHERS and hear me shout – I am the angriest cock in the land. Following Nintendo’s announcement of a £150 price point for Gamecube, retailers have hit back claiming that it doesn’t leave them enough space for profits. Stores such as MVC are refusing to stock Gamecube unless they can charge a higher price, subsequently all pre-orders have Gamecube at £169.99.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission has criticised Sony and their actions to stop PS2 being multi region compatible through ‘chipping’. The head, Prof Allen Fels said “Consumers interests are best served with access to the widest possible range of goods at the most competitive prices. Sony has overwritten this basic consumer right.” Sony wish to change the copyright act, claiming it will stop piracy. Australians usually get games much later than other territories. The case may have implications for how legal the regionalisation for both games and DVD’s are.

XBox has just been released in Japan. The weekend sales of Microsoft’s console were over a hundred thousand units, less than Gamecube and Dreamcast, at the same time, and far short of PS2’s million. XBox is out here on March 14th.

booksreviews

Monkey’s the business

MONKEY’S BIRTHDAY Simon Crump (Bloomsbury)

a full page description of someone undergoing chronic diahorrea takes this concept that bit too far, but the comic incidents and observations scattered throughout the text mean that the reader cannot help but identify with the characters and feel concerned about how their stories will unfold. Examples of this dark humour involve Robert declaring that “anyone asking for coffee in a pub should be burned at the stake”, and a hilariously prejudiced description of the countryside which describes “any female still unwed by their fourteenth summer being ducked and then burnt as a witch” and “raddled crones leaning on five-bar gates speculating about the size of the new parson’s penis.”

Crump’s carefully constructed picture of grey, rainy 80’s Britain, complete with unemployment, Thatcher’s grand

THE CLOSING paragraph of Monkey’s Birthday, the first novella in Crump’s collection is so amazingly harrowing that it is likely to leave you staring blankly into space for about ten minutes while repeating the word “urgh” at regular intervals and praying to God that such madness does not go on in your own quiet suburban street.

However, this is not to say that the book suffers due to the author’s fascination with the more gruesome and unexplainable side of human nature.

Monkey’s Birthday, English Electric and Early Doors all abound with humanity, humour and warmth.

Crump, who also happens to be an internationally exhibited artist, lovingly crafts his rogues’ gallery of characters, containing necrophiliacs, M People loving exGoths, petty criminals, incontinent middleaged men and MONKEYS: biting Alun Yorath deranged army (right), and Charlie Chimp reads the generals by blue bar showing us the varying schemes of home ownership for all, appearances of their identically-sized mental illness and butchered household homes, and the often mundane details pets presents us with a set of of their day-to-day existences. Arguably,

characters who are struggling through life, and attempting to do so with some degree of dignity. His tales of the sordid events that go on behind twitching net curtains are reminiscent of Dylan Thomas’ descriptions of small town depravity and claustrophobia.

All three stories are certainly interesting, absorbing and compelling, but in that slightly filthy Irvine Welsh way that makes you feel somewhat guilty for being compelled by them.

English Electric features a number of surreal hallucinations and nightmares which blur the line between reality and the events inside the head of the novella’s central character, which leads the reader to draw parallels with Trainspotting or The Acid House.

The most exciting literature leads the reader to question their belief systems and their own human decency. By generating sympathy for characters that are deeply, deeply flawed, Crump is drawing us into the sordid world he has created and forcing us to empathize with people we would usually dismiss, or be disgusted by. That is the power behind these three novellas, as well as the fact that even when they are at their most tragic, there is still amusement to be found. At just over 150 pages, Monkey’s Birthday and Other Stories is the kind of book that will compel you to stay up into the wee small hours reading it just to find out what happens, even though it is inevitable from the outset that it will reach a ghastly conclusion. Despite, or perhaps because of its disturbing, twisted content, it makes surprisingly easy reading and will ensure that you never look at your street in quite the same way again. Maria Thomas

14 THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ALUN YORATH: 1962PRESENT Cecil Rixondale (HarperCollins)

A

LUN YORATH: wit, keen gambler, raconteur, pervert and anarcho-dandyist.

Rixondale’s biography-cum-novel – his first work – concerns the entire life of Cardiff’s premier bounder, from the man’s sketchy early beginnings, to his current existence as a lush, generously peppered with entertaining escapades directly from Alun’s mouth. In fact, the sheer number of great anecdotes compiled

by Rixondale in this biography reveal Yorath to be a true man of adventure, determined to push physical debauchery to its limits.

The Life and Times... begins with the immortal line, “Alun Yorath is the most disgusting human being I have ever encountered”. After reading the first chapter I am sure you will agree. As one of the early examples of Rixondale’s immaculate research, we find out that during his early teens the young Yorath purchased his first pipe and foolishly tried to smoke chewing tobacco through it. It is widely believed that this accident started the slippery slope to debauchery.

Yorath was engaged at nineteen, having paid for the engagement ring with a good win on the horses.

Unfortunately, he failed to repeat this success before his honeymoon, which resulted in an unpleasant week spent in a pub at the San Antoine of Lancashire: Wigan. It rained.

After several more failed relationships, Yorath developed an irrevocable relationship with Madame Palm and her five daughters, and an unhealthy appetite for alcohol. The passages

describing his masturbation fixation result in the most disturbing parts of the book. One choice example from Rixondale’s studiously compiled archives should illustrate my point.

Yorath became friends with a young couple and stayed at their house many times in the mid-eighties. On repeated occasions he would empty his scrotum over the lounge rug after they had retired at night.

Several months later, the girl noticed a funny smell in the lounge, which prompted Yorath to proudly announce “Oh yes, I’ve been wanking on your rug”. The woman, disgusted, immediately threw the offending (offended?) item out into the garden. The rug, hardened through countless ejaculations, stood up like a board against the wall.

The Alun Yorath of today is generally to be found propping up the bar in a certain Cathays hostelry, where he regales ‘humorous’ stories to the impressionable youth, pesters barmaids for sexual favours and scabs money off the locals. In fact, in one of Rixondale’s many unusual revelations, Yorath has been known to be so tight-fisted as to steal a score from his mother before a night on the lash. He has also previously rejected the advances of be-hatted women, which suggests an irreparable hatred of the fairer sex.

Of course, this book is full of foul tales and crimes against humanity – only a few men could imbibe cigarettes and alcohol to this degree. Rixondale has introduced us to a fascinating but little-known character, and perfectly captures the spirit of the man, making you feel filthy and unwashed when reading. The Life and Times of Alun Yorath is an excellent story, simultaneously an eye-opening and eye-watering experience. Hopefully its publication will prevent similar people existing on the planet.

Kenneth Smythe-Bruce

summer ball 02 Cardiff University

To be held at

Cardiff International Arena Friday 14th June

Tickets on sale from Monday 11th March from Union Box Office Price £28 log on to

www.cardiffstudents.com

for the latest updates on entertainment line-up

Got a cold or the flu?

Blocked nose, sore throat, headache, aches and pains.....

Meal Deal McCoys Crisps Bottle of Coke Fanta or Lilt Sutherland Sandwiches triple pack

All ÂŁ2.50

Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0500 655398 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre.

You will be compensated for your time and travel by a cheque payment at the end of the study

Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

Cardiff University Students’ Union

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Manifesto special

Inside: All the candidates and their manifestos • Your guide to the elections – when, where and how to vote • When to hear the candidates sell themselves at hustings

Voting on 13th and 14th February

Sabbatical Elections 2002

CONTENTS

Position

Page

President Societies and Union Secretary Finance and Commercial Services Officer Academic Affairs Officer Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer Athletic Union Officer Gair Rhydd Editor

4–5 6–7 8–9 10 11 – 12 13 – 15 16 – 17

Plus – Your guide to when, where and how to vote 18 – 19

The election timetable at a glance Tuesday 5th March: ‘Question Time’ Talybont Social Centre from 7pm Thursday 7th March: ‘Question Time 2’ University Hall Social Centre from 7pm Monday 11th March: ‘Question Time‘ Seren Las 1pm

Monday Night: Annual General Meeting (AGM) for all students from 8.30pm in the Great Hall Wednesday 13th March: 1st day of polling

Wednesday Night: Jive Hive Karaoke from 8pm in Solus Thursday 14th March: Final day of polling

Thursday Night: Results Night!

Friday 15th March: Gair Rhydd election news sheet

Casual staff wanted for elections Casual staff are needed to work on polling stations on Wednesday 13th and Thursday 14th March. Full training will be given.

Anyone interested should contact Chris Evans on the third floor of the Union on 02920 781 422 or e-mail ssucle@cardiff.ac.uk

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

PRESIDENT

President

by Tom McGarry, President 2001-02 As head of the executive team your communication, organisation and leadership skills will be tested to the highest level.

As a student representative you will have to answer to the membership through Students’ Union Council and make sure that you are fulfilling your role to their satisfaction. As chief executive director of Cardiff Union Services limited you will be responsible for the decisions, actions and financial performance of the Union’s commercial services. As a trustee (the Union has registered charity status) you will be held accountable for the financial decisions made in your term of office for seven years after you’ve left. This is no easy ride.

The President has to pretty much know everything that is going on so that he/she can communicate the activities of the Union to the University, the wider student community, the local residents, politicians, media and vice-versa.

No day in the working year of the President is the same as another. You have a duty to represent the students of Cardiff on numerous University committees. You will voice your Union’s opinions to the NUS leadership and participate in national campaigns, particularly in the fight against fees. You will have company responsibilities in terms of recruitment, budget setting and decision making. The experience is rewarding and the work is hard. I wish both candidates all the best . . .

Candidates

Proposed

Seconded

Caroline Noyes

Nick Simon

Jamie Dunbar

or vote for RON

running for a democratically fair election

RON (unfortunately not Ron Atkinson) is running for all the sabbatical positions. Not because he wants to do all the jobs in the Union, but because his presence helps to ensure that the elections are fair and that the elected officer has been chosen democratically.

What RON gives you is the chance to re-open the nominations for the position, so that other people who you think could do a better job can put themselves up for the position.

You can vote for RON for all of the positions, but you can also vote for a single position if you don’t think that any of the candidates are up for job.

In the event of a successful RON campaign, a by-election will be held for those positions where a suitable candidate was not found.

The presence of RON is even more important now the Union is using the Single Transferable, or ranking, voting system. You now have to rank your candidates in order of preference, so say you only like one candidate, if you put your favourite candidate as 1 and RON as 2 and your candidate amasses the least votes and is eliminated, your vote automatically becomes RON. Having RON there is basically a way of making sure that you can express your distrust in any or all of the candidates and make sure that the winner is the democratic choice.

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

PRESIDENT

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Make more NOISE by voting NOYES

“

The Mission: A successful Union needs an experienced, open minded individual to represent student needs. With three years of involvement with the Union I know what needs to be done to improve services and how to make it a more creative and active union than ever before.

The Plan: NO MORE SKINT STUDENTS: Address student hardship by working with NUS to bring it to the general public and governments attention. We’ve already won a small grant for Welsh Students now lets get a big one for all.

BE LISTENED TO: By representing your interests to the University at all times.

Making sure that my Executive are accountable to you, the students. I’ll use the Gair Rhydd to publicise this.

STILL PLAY HARD: Guarantee sufficient funding for all Union clubs and societies and ensure that transport to halls and local area are kept as a priority.

”

ENJOY SOCIALISING, CHEAPLY AND SAFELY: Improve the appeal of the Taf, making it somewhere people want to go day and night.

I will campaign & work with the local authorities, the University & police to ensure that students are safe in the community.

Hot food: I’ll listen to what you want and I’ll get it in the Union.

STAY IN TOUCH: Improve IT facilities in the Union building with the opening of a new cyber café and resource centre.

My experience: AU President 2001-2002 Women’s Officer 2000-2001 AU Vice President 1999-2000

Caz Noyes PRESIDENT

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

SOCITIES AND UNION SECRETARY

Societies and Union Secretary

by James Sommerville, Societies and Union Secretary 2001-02 The Societies and Union Secretary is the post with the most varied responsibilities – all the societies (at least 100), the transport service including the CUB Bus, the Students’ Union Council, the Constitution and all democratic process, all the elections, all the Freshers preparations and NUS cards, health and safety in the building and finally they are the DeputyPresident to boot! While there’s help from the excellent staff it is unarguably one of the most time-consuming positions as there are many people to see and mountains of paperwork.

To be a good secretary requires good people skills, excellent organisational abilities, a real interest in societies and democracy, and a willingness to put in a lot of hours. However, it’s also one of the best positions because have a very social role and you get to experience so much.

Candidates

Proposed

Seconded

Jodye Kershaw Laura Welsh

Adam Wheeler Elizabeth Goodrum

Kathy Griffiths Kelly Hurman

or vote for RON

running for a democratically fair election

RON (unfortunately not Ron Atkinson) is running for all the sabbatical positions. Not because he wants to do all the jobs in the Union, but because his presence helps to ensure that the elections are fair and that the elected officer has been chosen democratically.

What RON gives you is the chance to re-open the nominations for the position, so that other people who you think could do a better job can put themselves up for the position.

You can vote for RON for all of the positions, but you can also vote for a single position if you don’t think that any of the candidates are up for job.

In the event of a successful RON campaign, a by-election will be held for those positions where a suitable candidate was not found.

The presence of RON is even more important now the Union is using the Single Transferable, or ranking, voting system. You now have to rank your candidates in order of preference, so say you only like one candidate, if you put your favourite candidate as 1 and RON as 2 and your candidate amasses the least votes and is eliminated, your vote automatically becomes RON. Having RON there is basically a way of making sure that you can express your distrust in any or all of the candidates and make sure that the winner is the democratic choice.

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

SOCIETIES AND UNION SECRETARY

Sabbatical Elections 2002

VOTE JODYE KERSHAW SOCIETIES AND UNION SECRETARY

A L L F O R O N E

ME STUFF!

SOCIETY STUFF!

Good Ideas, commitment to see them through, and the experience to make it work

Produce a ‘new societies pack’ including a budget for publicity, to make starting a society easier

• President of a thriving society.

• Set up a new society.

• SUC councillor for 2 years.

• Sat on Societies and Constitution committees, and Societies Council – the most relevant committees for this job.

Responsible for the introduction of a more democratic voting system in the union.

• Bring back the societies' ball • Give societies comprehensive training.

• Increase society profiles and representation within the Union.

• Spend the societies budget in the best way possible, redistributing unspent funds at the end of the year.

Help societies gain sponsorship – meaning more money to spend!

DEMOCRACY STUFF! • Increase Student representation – particularly in unrepresented departments and amongst postgraduates.

• Introduce Sabbatical surgeries in halls of residences.

• Develop a democracy section on the web site giving students easier access to decisions that are been taken on their behalf.

• Combat the feeling of disenfranchisement that students currently feel.

• Make elections more accessible to students with disabilities.

TRANSPORT STUFF! • Improve

transport services.

• Set up a transport committee.

• Set up a network of drivers for societies without drivers.

• Ensure societies have better access to transport, by working with local companies and the AU.

O N E F O R J O

So be brave, wander over to a ballot box and be daring.

Vote 1 for Jo. Vote 1 for Jo.

LAURA WELSH – SOCIETIES AND UNION SECRETARY SOME OF THE FUN THINGS I DO! Member of the Union Executive 2001-02

Laura W elsh

Ex Society President IMG Chair 2001-02 Student Council Member Active committee member –, Entertainments, Welsh affairs complaints, Womens, staff/student panel.

Sexual Health Awareness Group Assistant

AND MORE ABOUT ME ...

“ I amthe one

and only

”

I have worked for 2 years in the union, both as an Executive officer and a volunteer. During this period I have built up a good working relationship with staff and students and have gained insight into how the Union runs both as a business and a representative body. As IMG Chair I have single handedly organise sporting activities and events for over 700 people on weekly basis and have worked with over 25 societies. As a result I have developed excellent organisational skills which will prove invaluable for this position.

BORED ALREADY? THE BEST IS YET TO COME ...

SOCIETIES Ensure society membership fees directly benefit YOU. Help societies gain sponsorship from companies.

Provide adequate training and support for the new society executives during change over period.

TRANSPORT Make bus timetables available to students in both halls and private accommodation, and ensure that they run to schedule.

EXCITING STUFF Continue to push for a 2am license in the union. Profits from this can be used to benefit societies.

To make students fully aware of, and encourage participation in all aspects of the Union.

Chesney Hawkes – Vote Laura Welsh – Chocolate

Chesney Hawkes – Vote Laura Welsh – Chocolate

Vote Laura Welsh – I love Chesney Hawkes – Vote Laura Welsh – Chocolate is Great – Vote Laura Welsh

Vote Laura Welsh – I love Chesney Hawkes – Vote Laura Welsh – Chocolate is Great – Vote Laura Welsh

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

FINANCE AND COMMERCIAL SERVICES OFFICER

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Finance and Commercial Services Officer

by Alex Molokwu, Finance and Commercial Services Officer 2001-02 The role of Finance and Commercial Services Officer involves working closely with managers and relevant staff on running of all the commercial areas from Bars, Ents, and the Union Shop to the Games Room. The role also involves maintaining and developing the Union’s Ethical and Environmental Policy. This officer edits the Company/ Union Annual report, chairs fortnightly commercial services meetings and is the Sabbatical officer responsible for liaising between Staff and the rest of teh Executive team.

Candidates

Proposed

Seconded

Chris Dixon Rishi Lakhani

K. Daykin Amran Iqbal

O. Clegg Sarvesh Shah

or vote for RON

running for a democratically fair election

RON (unfortunately not Ron Atkinson) is running for all the sabbatical positions. Not because he wants to do all the jobs in the Union, but because his presence helps to ensure that the elections are fair and that the elected officer has been chosen democratically.

What RON gives you is the chance to re-open the nominations for the position, so that other people who you think could do a better job can put themselves up for the position.

You can vote for RON for all of the positions, but you can also vote for a single position if you don’t think that any of the candidates are up for job.

In the event of a successful RON campaign, a by-election will be held for those positions where a suitable candidate was not found.

The presence of RON is even more important now the Union is using the Single Transferable, or ranking, voting system. You now have to rank your candidates in order of preference, so say you only like one candidate, if you put your favourite candidate as 1 and RON as 2 and your candidate amasses the least votes and is eliminated, your vote automatically becomes RON. Having RON there is basically a way of making sure that you can express your distrust in any or all of the candidates and make sure that the winner is the democratic choice.

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

FINANCE AND COMMERCIAL SERVICES OFFICER

CHRIS DIXON: FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR UNION DEVELOP THE JOBSHOP AS A REVENUE PROVIDER FOR THE UNION AND AS A SERVICE TO STUDENTS AND LOCAL BUSINESSES LOBBY FOR A LATER LICENSE AT WEEKENDS REJUVENATE UNION NIGHTLIFE TO MAKE SOLUS MORE COMPETITIVE WITH THE CITY CENTRE

WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME...

ACTIVE MEMBER OF SUC STAFF STUDENT PANEL SOCIETIES STANDING COMMITTEE APPEALS STANDING COMMITTEE

IMPROVE ENTS FACILITIES TO MAKE THE GREAT HALL A BETTER VENUE FOR GIGS BRINGING BACK MORE CONCERTS TO THE UNION

UWC MENS RFC COMMITTEE

IMPROVE AWARENESS AND FACILITIES FOR RECYCLING AROUND THE UNION

ACTIVE MEMBER OF OTHER CLUBS AND SOCIETIES INCLUDING ACT ONE AND WINDSURFING

RESPONSIBLE TO 8 IMG RUGBY TEAMS

“

I have worked, ate, drank, slept and breathed in the union for the last three years and there is a lot more I can give

VOTE DIXON FOR FINANCE AND COMMERCIAL SERVICES

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

”

ACADEMIC AFFAIRS OFFICER

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Academic Affairs Officer

by Ian Hibble, Academic Affairs Officer 2001-02 Contrary to popular belief, the role is quite challenging. You have to be able to balance the academic welfare of the students with the immense amount of University committee meetings that you have to attend in order to represent the student perspective. One of the most important requirements is to advocate and assist students who face appealing their module or degree mark and when students wish to complain effectively against their department or the university in general.

You will work closely with the Union’s Advice Centre and with the Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer on shared student casework and campaigns. Postgraduate representation is also vital in this role with close liaison with the postgraduate Non-Sabbatical.

Assisting with and overseeing the development of the Student Development Unit and the SHOUT welfare volunteer system are crucial aspects of what you’ll be expected to do.

Candidate Minelle Gholami

Proposed

Seconded

Efrosyne Crouch

Juha Silvanto

Minelle Gholami EXPERIENCE

AIMS:

• Non-Sabbatical Officer 2001-02 (International Students’ Officer) • NUS UK Annual Conference 2001 Delegate • Council of International Students Conference 2001 Delegate • Vice Chair – Cultures of Cardiff Society • Participated in student politics and issues at a national and local level • Co-ordinated with various societies in the organization of a series of multi-cultural events, including Global Village 2001 • Participated in crossliberation campaigns within CUSU. • Attended SDU courses.

• Grants not fees – maintain the current level of pressure on both the Assembly and Parliament, and continue to lobby the relevant bodies for the abolition of tuition fees and re-instatement of maintenance grants for students.

Academic Affairs Officer

• I aim to maintain an open door policy, to be approachable and accessible to students at all times.

• To aid and assist students with their academic concerns and issues, and to represent them within the University committee structure.

• To further develop the role of SHOUT! Volunteers by utilizing them in contact campaigns, and ensuring that students are kept informed of the status of priority academic campaigns.

• To further promote the Student Development Unit, their numerous courses and development strategies for students, academic and career-related.

• Liaise with the Equal Opportunities Officer to ensure students with special needs are fully represented.

• Working with NUS to ensure that university education is accessible to all.

Approachable, Accessible, Always there for YOU

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES AND WELFARE OFFICER

Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer

by Rohan Tambyraja, Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer 2001-02 The job of being the Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer fall into two distinct categories – being aware of the state of equal opportunities as they affect Cardiff University students and being aware of the welfare provisions for these students.

Part of the job description specifies liaising with the Non-Sabbatical officers (elected earlier this semester) and acting as their line manager. This is where most of the work on equal opportunities comes into play, as campaigns on minority rights issues can be left to Non-Sabbatical officers who can educate the equal opportunities officer on the issue. For this to be done effectively, good listening and interpersonal skills are necessary so that a good rapport can be struck between both officers.

Good listening skills are also necessary for the casework, which forms a very large part of the welfare side of the officer’s job. Contact with residences and catering about accommodation is necessary on a daily basis at certain parts of the year, when students are unhappy with their living arrangements in Cardiff and want to move out or move elsewhere. A good welfare officer will be able to let students explain what their problems are and represent them and their needs in a sympathetic and persuasive way.

Candidates

Proposed

Seconded

Emma Bebington Phillipa Burns James Knight

Chris Campbell Phil Mitchell Ruth James

Simi Patti Sahib Lalli Simon Boulter

Emma Bebington Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer TO CAMPAIGN FOR:

A real improvement in regulation of housing, landlords and agencies.

An end to tuition fees and the establishment of a fairer, more efficient funding system.

changing.

TO SUPPORT:

International and Erasmus students. I believe that the Union should support these students more a belief I want to put into practice.

TO PROMOTE:

Awareness of health issues and services available to students and increase information on university website.

TO EXAMINE: Being a student is difficult enough without having to bother with pressures Problems of access for disabled students and find out what needs outside academic life. Unfortunately, these problems are always going to be there.

This is where I come in.

MY EXPERIENCE:

Member of SUC Philosophy Society President Active on staff-student panel 6 months work experience working as Community Service Volunteer on disability projects

Best thing since student grants!

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES AND WELFARE OFFICER

Sabbatical Elections 2002

PHILLIPA BURNS Putting YOUR welfare first…

I will continue to expand my links with NUS Wales, the Welsh Assembly and Bro Taf Health Authority to put YOUR welfare and health issues to the top of every agenda!

Equal Opportunities and Welfare My Uni Experience...

Worked alongside the Welsh Assembly and helped to install the largest sexual health campaign in Wales – ever!

Joint Co-ordinator of S.H.A.G Represented the University on the South Wales Health Forum

I will actively campaign and support all issues that affect YOUR health and welfare.

BIOSI Staff Student Panel Representative

I will work with the health centre and student advice centre to promote all aspects of their work and the services they provide for YOU.

Completed awareness and prevention courses in Breast Cancer, HIV, Testicular Cancer, Methods of Contraception and STI transmission. Completed NUS Women’s Health Training

I will continue to work alongside and support the Liberation campaigns to ensure that YOU and every member of this university are represented.

I will always be available to listen to YOU and YOUR needs and I will use my varied experience and resources to represent you at a local and national level.

P H I L L I PA B U R N S P U T T I N G Y O U R W E L FA R E F I R S T A bit about me...

“I’m friendly, approachable and despite my title of S.H.A.G. co-ordinator, I don’t organise group sex! I do, however, organise a variety of health campaigns, make you buy ribbons and throw condoms at you in the Union!

I’m hardworking and totally dedicated to all aspects of health and welfare and I will listen to YOUR needs and PUT YOUR WELFARE FIRST”

My Life Experience...

Qualified and experienced International Aid Worker specialising in working with children and adults with severe disabilities Worked within the Personnel Dept. of a University giving me first hand experience in the implementation of Equal Opps. Policies for both Students and Staff.

Putting YOUR welfare first Putting YOUR welfare first

Putting YOUR welfare first

Putting YOUR welfare first

Put PHILLIPA first – Vote for Pip – Put PHILLIPA first – Vote for Pip – Put PHILLIPA first

Put PHILLIPA first – Vote for Pip – Put PHILLIPA first – Vote for Pip – Put PHILLIPA first Equal Opportunities/Liberation • To hold evening surgeries in Halls, bringing the Union and students together at a convenient time and place.

• To campaign for the implementation of a tangible and effective equal opportunities policy within University owned accommodation.

• To ensure that the equal opportunities policy is upheld and respected within the Students’ Union.

• To work closely with the Liberation NonSabbatical Officers, clubs and societies to aid and support them in their campaigns, facilitate and coordinate cross-liberation campaigns, such as ‘One World, One Week’, and provide training where appropriate.

• LGB Student’s Officer 2001-2002 • NUS Wales LGB Committee representative 2001-2002 • Delegate to National LGB conferences • Delegate to National SWD conference • Delegate to NUS Wales Winter conference

I.D.E.A!

• Prepare a ‘Don’t Panic!’ campaign to give students advice on the do’s and don’ts of house-hunting, working closely with the Student Advice Centre to ensure that students are well informed of their rights as tenants, and are not taken advantage of by unscrupulous letting agents and land lords.

• Promote the Bond Bank, and push for greater support from letting agencies by lobbying local AM’s and MP’s.

Di ve rs ity

In For Equal Opportunities & Welfare clu siv ity Ac Health/Welfare ce ss ib ili ty

Eq ua lit y

My Experience

The Knight

Housing/Accommodation

• To jointly campaign with the Academic Affairs Officer on behalf of students with special considerations, to ensure that provisions are made for their individual needs, such as wheelchair accessibility.

• To co-ordinate a campaign with the AU and SHAG to promote a ‘Healthy Body, Healthy Mind’ ethos.

Vote #1 for JK

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

ATHLETIC UNION PRESIDENT

Athletic Union President

by Caz Noyes, Athletic Union President 2001-02 Athletic Union President is of course the best job to have and the most active. With over 54 clubs to work with and 6,000 membership you really will be so busy you’ll soon forget what day of the week it is. You will set budgets at the beginning of the year, gain a financial understanding of the company and be part of an executive team – you’ll have a complete insight it to all areas of the Student’s Union.

For once you’ll be starting off the year with organising freshers fayre, getting to grips with the day to day events of BUSA and understanding the handbook, to sitting on University committee meetings and closer to home, Company and Sabbatical meetings. Once settled you’ll be keen to start work on the annual Auction, Varsity and Colours Dinner.

But most of all you will have a unique opportunity to work on sports development issuses within your University, work alongside clubs and tackle those issues close to any sports persons heart when it comes to facilities, equipment, media coverage and membership participation.

This can be achieved through sitting on UWAU and BUSA committee’s and getting involved with Union issues.

Candidates Andrew Boyd Ross Breckenridge Kathryn Edwards Polly Hills Louise Pugh

Proposed

Seconded

Hefin Evans Paul Lawrence Nathalie Connor Ziad Mantara Harriet Williams

Dominic Staveley Michael Rabjohns Rachel Roberts Jonathan Davies Jennifer Hooley

Be a pure genius, vote Boydy Four point plan for a successful AU 1. STRUCTURE OF THE CLUBS Provide necessary support for the clubs so reorganisation is not ad hoc in nature.

Place the emphasis on continuity to facilitate progression rather than regression.

2. FUNDING Continue the push for greater funding from the university.

Attempt to further raise the image and standing of sport in the university.

Build on successes such as the Varsity Day, Ramalamb and the hosting of the European hockey Championships.

Push for the employment of non-sabbatical officers to organise prestigious events.

3. MEDIA Promote the concept of a separate weekly sports supplement placing the emphasis on university sports.

Use this medium to raise the profile of all the clubs and give smaller clubs greater exposure.

Having held the position of Rugby Club Captain 2001-2002 I have spent a g reat deal of time liaising with the A.U, allowing me to gain an insight into 4. KEY ISSUES t h e s t r uctures and support that clubs require to survive and thrive. A significant Campaign for the preservation of Wednesday afternoons amount of my energies have been devoted to helping organise the varsity day for sport.

Reinforce existing, and develop new corporate links to giving me a valuable insight into the demands of staging such an event including sponsor university sport. issues such as corporate sponsorship. Also, being involved in the integration Support IMG sports. of IMG and the rugby club, I am acutely aware of the needs of IMG sports.

“

”

Andy Boyd for AU President Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

ATHLETIC UNION PRESIDENT

ROSS BRECKENRIDGE FOR AU PRESIDENT EXPERIENCE Chairman of Cardiff University Men’s Football Club 2001-2002 Co-organiser of the highly successful Christmas Sports Ball December 2001 Football Club Captain 2000-2002 3 years as an active member of the A.U.

OBJECTIVES Committed to helping the progression and success of every AU Club Maintaining an open door policy, so clubs get what they want from the AU Continue close ties with University Sports and Recreation and IMG Chair Help clubs gain sponsorship and develop higher levels of coaching Encourage links between Clubs and the University Media Dedicated to keeping Wednesday afternoons free

ENTHUSIASTIC, COMMITTED, APPROACHABLE “A successful A.U. President needs to be enthusiastic, working in all areas of University Sport. I am committed to enabling members to gain the most from the opportunities available, and will be approachable so that all clubs feel part of a thriving Athletic Union.”

“IT’S ALL ABOUT WINNING!” KATE EDWARDS AU PRESIDENT WHY ME?

PRIORITIES

Club Captain and coach of the UWC Netball club, helping double the size of the club and increasing the competition, to allow more players to compete at a high level.

Increase profile of sports through media, Gair Rhydd, Cardiff News, Xpress radio and local community media.

Playing experience: Welsh Squad Welsh Universities British Universities Experience at every level of sport, I know the politics and can help clubs find the answers!

AU Fresher of the Year (2000) AU Sportswoman of the Year (2001) Member of the Sports Bursary Scheme for 3 years Secured 2 major sponsorship deals for the Netball Club, one local bar, one national company.

Member of Netball, Canoe and Mountaineering clubs

Work with sports and recreation services to develop sports facilities such as the planned indoor climbing wall.

Use my experience and success to help clubs attract sponsorship from local and national businesses.

Improve links with national governing bodies, giving Cardiff Uni sport national status and increasing coaching and umpire/referee support.

Develop training to increase qualifications within clubs to allow every club and every sportsperson to advance to their full potential.

Give club execs more support in the day to day running of clubs, to give them the opportunity to push their sport forwards.

WON’T BLOW THE JOB! Voting on the 13th and 14th March

ATHLETIC UNION PRESIDENT

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Choose LIFE. Choose a SPORT. Choose the RIGHTPERSON for the job. Choose the best years of your LIFE, leisurewear and matching kit. Choose the FUTURE of the Athletic Union and your club. Choose a… ...GAME PLAN that develops EFFECTIVE club structures through committee training…

...FUNDING system that ENCOURAGES fair distribution of money for clubs…

...SPORTS DEPARTMENT that aims to attract sponsorship, MEMBERS and feedback… ...PERSON who truly believes that the AU is here to provide EVERYONE with the opportunity to participate in sport at Cardiff University…

...LOW BUSA affiliation fee and a LEAGUE system that runs effectively each week….

Choose the PRESIDENT and TREASURER of the Tennis Club. (20002002) Choose a 1st team SQUASH player (1999-2000) Choose a sports recreation COACH for EXSPORTISE (Summer 2001) Choose an ACT ONE director and performer (1999-2001) Choose a person who is passionate about ALL sports (1980-2003)

...STUDENT MEDIA to promote our sporting events and ACHIEVEMENTS…

...GOAL to keep the Sports and Recreation department CHEAP and working for students…

Choose LIFE. Choose SPORT. Choose POLLY. for au president

YOUR AU LOUISE PUGH:

THIS IS FOR YOU:

I’m an approachable, friendly team player who is dedicated to sport

Maintain and improve the excellent service already provided by the AU

Ladies Football Chair Ladies Cricket Chair

Ensure that Cardiff keeps at the forefront of BUSA’s plans for the future

2001/2

More support for smaller clubs and sport

2001/2

IMG

Develop personal links with the Gair Rhydd to give better media coverage for all clubs in the Athletic Union

Member of Womens’ Welsh Cricket Board 2001/2

“ “ NEEDS PUGH! Ladies Football Captain

2000/1

Cricket Vice Captain

2000/1

My experience and enthusiasm makes me the ideal candidate to maintain and improve Cardiff ’s strong sporting reputation.

Provide equality and fairness in the budget

Be an accessible contact point for all sports participants Offer an approachable service

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

Sabbatical Elections 2002

GAIR RHYDD EDITOR

Gair Rhydd Editor

by Sarah Hodson, Gair Rhydd Editor 2001-02 The role of Gair Rhydd editor is the hardest job on the sabbatical team, mainly because you are expected to be multiskilled and hit the ground running to produce a newspaper from September. It is also the only position that demands that you have previous experience of working on the paper.

The editor is in charge of editing, proofing and printing a copy of the newspaper every week, that can range form 24 to 70 pages in length. They have to manage a team of 20 sub-editors and up to 100 contributors, as well as attempting to run one of the largest societies in the Union. The editor must be able to think quickly, have an eye for detail and the ability to stay calm under pressure.

As well as their duties in the paper, the editor is also a director of Cardiff Union Services Limited and a trustee of the charity, so they have to juggle the meetings and responsibilities of being a major player in Union business as well as producing a newspaper.

Anyone one wanting to take on the responsibility of being Gair Rhydd editor is either very confident or very stupid. I hope both the candidates fall into the latter category!

Candidates

Proposed

Seconded

Gemma Curtis Maria Lane

Laura J Sykes Kelly Brownhill

Matthew Willis Finnbarr Graham

or vote for RON

running for a democratically fair election

RON (unfortunately not Ron Atkinson) is running for all the sabbatical positions. Not because he wants to do all the jobs in the Union, but because his presence helps to ensure that the elections are fair and that the elected officer has been chosen democratically.

What RON gives you is the chance to re-open the nominations for the position, so that other people who you think could do a better job can put themselves up for the position.

You can vote for RON for all of the positions, but you can also vote for a single position if you don’t think that any of the candidates are up for job.

In the event of a successful RON campaign, a by-election will be held for those positions where a suitable candidate was not found.

The presence of RON is even more important now the Union is using the Single Transferable, or ranking, voting system. You now have to rank your candidates in order of preference, so say you only like one candidate, if you put your favourite candidate as 1 and RON as 2 and your candidate amasses the least votes and is eliminated, your vote automatically becomes RON. Having RON there is basically a way of making sure that you can express your distrust in any or all of the candidates and make sure that the winner is the democratic choice.

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

GAIR RHYDD EDITOR

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Gemma Curtis for W h a t d i ff e r e n c e d o e s i t m a k e ?

I t ’s a l l f o r y o u

I will:

I can:

- Continue to balance student, local and national news concerns. Whilst for the lighter things in life there’s GRIP as your comprehensive guide to all things entertainment.

- Promote a team atmosphere amongst contributors creating an open environment where everyone feels welcome at the Gair Rhydd office.

-Ensure that contributing is a rewarding and fulfilling opportunity, providing experience from which anyone can benefit.

- Hold regular meetings involving subeditors, to encourage continuous development of challenging new content ideas whilst maintaining a distinctive Gair Rhydd identity.

- Introduce regular workshops with media specialists to help develop writing skills, and provide training in desktop publishing tools.

....is to elect an approachable, motivated individual dedicated to enhancing the Gair Rhydd’s highly regarded professional and cultural profile.

But above all, plump for me and I’ll help turn out a damn good paper for you.

And me?

- Music Editor 2001-2002

- Work towards a fully functional, interactive website.

-Contributor to Gair Rhydd, The Telegraph and Xpress

- Encourage Welsh language contributions.

-Rejuvenate and refresh the Gair Rhydd design.

The word on the street...

-Knowledge of computer design packages and general media practices.

gair rhydd editor Vote MARIA LANE for Gair Rhydd Editor My BIG Plan: Your Views •To conduct a university wide survey on what you like / don’t like about your paper, and put your ideas into practice.

•To research the student press on a national scale to understand how Gair Rhydd can be improved, and incorporate new techniques into your paper.

Your Future •To carry out monthly training sessions on sub-editing and design, to give you the chance to get involved with Gair Rhydd and enhance your CV. •To set up connections with local media to organise work experience placements and training days in conjunction with Gair Rhydd.

Pick me Nigel!

•I’ve been Gair Rhydd Music editor 2001-2002.

•I’ve been a regular writer and photographer for the paper since 2000.

•I’ve learned important skills through work experience placements with both national and local media companies.

•I’ve got bags of enthusiasm and loads of ideas on how to both regain and improve Gair Rhydd’s status as an award winning newspaper.

Your Exposure •To revitalise Gair Rhydd on-line, taking on a dedicated team of web-designers to update the site weekly with the paper’s top news and features, as well as developing a broad base of information for students hoping to pursue a career in the media.

Your Life •To continue and increase the paper’s high profile campaigns on issues affecting you.

•To bring a heightened awareness of other societies and social groups operating within the university to ensure that your social, as well as academic achievements are not ignored.

•To liase with local business and retailers in order to bring you more offers and promotions through Gair Rhydd.

‘ Wr i t i n g t o r e a c h Y O U ’ “Vote for me for a paper which listens to, learns from, informs and entertains YOU.”

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

VOTING INFORMATION

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Welcome to the Sabbatical elections It’s that time of year again. The nomination forms have been accepted, the posters have been designed and we’re about to embark on a hectic fortnight of campaigning to see who will be voted in as the Union’s Sabbatical team for 2002 – 03. To add to the chaos the Union has introduced a new electronic voting system to make casting your vote quicker and easier. Therefore the Returning Officer James Sommerville has put together a guide to the elections, telling you when, where and how you can make your mark on the Union and vote What are Sabbatical Officers?

Council (SUC), and ultimately through the Annual General Meeting (AGM).

Union and there is the benefit of making a real difference to it over the year in office.

Sabbatical Officers are eight students or graduates who are taking a year out to work for the Union. They are first and foremost student representatives, but also the directors of the Union Company and trustees of its Charity. They are the employers of the staff and the deciders of all Union policy – in short, they run your Union.

When do they work?

Who is running for office this year?

What are they responsible for?

Together they oversee everything that happens in the Union – the nightclub and bars, the welfare services, the transport, the shop, the campaigns, the committees, the clubs and societies, the Gair Rhydd and Xpress Radio, the Jobshop and everything else you can think of.

Who are they answerable to?

They are answerable to you, the ordinary student, through the Students Union

The positions are full-time, the minimum being Monday-Friday 9.30am to 5pm.

However, they are also expected to put in extra hours as required, for meetings, duty executive on Union nights, Freshers, etc. During term time it’s not uncommon for Sabbs to work at least 50 hours week

Where do they work?

All the Sabbaticals have an office within the Union building. Some even have windows. Awesome!

What are the benefits of being a sabbatical?

Sabbaticals are paid a salary of around £13,500, and the experience they gain is enormous and very valuable – no student has a better CV. Additionally, sabbaticals tend to be people who care about the

Eighteen candidates have put themselves forward for seven different sabbatical positions. Have a look at their manifestos!

Aren’t there eight positions though?

Yes – no-one put themselves forward for Communications and Community Officer, so there will be a by-election after Easter for the position.

Aren’t some of them already officers?

Yes, non-sabbaticals (the part-time officers) often run for a sabbatical position, and sitting sabbaticals are allowed another year in a sabbatical position.

A guide to hustings When will they be campaigning?

The campaigns have already begun – just look in the nearest shop window. They will be out and about over the next two weeks, especially at night and at weekends, in the Union, your lectures and your Halls of Residence. In addition they will be taking part in some ‘Question Time’ style grillings in the following places:

Tuesday 5th March Talybont Social Centre from 7pm th Thursday 7 March University Hall Social Centre 7pm th Monday 11 March Seren Las 1pm

This is rounded off by the traditional campaigning on the Union steps on the Wednesday and Thursday of voting, and by karaoke at Jive Hive on the Wednesday night, where every candidate has to sing!

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

How do I vote?

Voting will be done using our new Electronic System on PCs around Campus (see below). You’ll need to show your University card to one of the elections staff, who will then log you on to the system. You’ll then be able to select positions and see and vote for the candidates running using the simple interface.

How are votes counted?

Votes are now counted using the Single Transferable Vote (STV) system rather than the old, less democratic First Past the Post method. This means that you order the candidates in terms of your preference rather than simply choosing one. In the event that no candidate gets a clear majority of first choices then the least favoured candidate is eliminated and their second choice votes redistributed. This continues until someone is the clear winner. This system is favoured by the Electoral Reform Society and is considered very fair.

VOTING INFORMATION

Sabbatical Elections 2002

Election memories

The mysterious R.O.N What if I don’t like the look of any candidate?

Then vote R.O.N. – Re-Open Nominations and gives you the opportunity to do just that if you don’t think that any of the candidates are up for the job. All you need to do is put R.O.N as your number 1 choice. You can therefore vote for R.O.N in any, none or all of the positions.

If RON were to win then the position is left vacant and there will be a by-election with the chance for new candidates to step forward and stand for the post.

So when it comes down to voting on Wednesday 13th and Thursday 14th March, R.O.N gives you another option and helps you to ensure that the winner is the democratic choice.

ABOVE: The tension of the count LEFT: Ian Hibble on the campaign trail BELOW: Celebrating an election win

BIG RON: If only he could really run the Union...

Where can I vote?

Union and University Halls Of Residence You can vote between 9am and 5pm in the following places:

You can also vote between 5pm and 7pm at the following Halls.

• The Union (1st and 2nd floors) • The Graduate Centre (Computer Room) • Trevithick (the JCR) • Maths Building Cybercafe • Glamorgan Building Coffee Shop • Redwood Building Cybercafe • Humanities Coffee Shop • Aberconway Snack Bar • Tower Building Cybercafe

• Aberdare Hall (Common Room) • University Hall (Refectory) • Talybont (Social Centre) When will the results be out?

There will be a count on the night of the March 14, and the results will be announced in a Gair Rhydd newssheet on March 15, and on the website at www.cardiffstudents.com

CHAOS: If you choose to vote in the Union you can get right into the election action

Voting on the 13th and 14th March

WANTED Meeting Times: ■ Monday 1.15pm News Features Sport

Arts Books Classifieds Comment Competitions Crossword Executive Committee

■ Wednesday 1.30pm News Update ■ Wednesday 4.30pm

Features Film Games Interviews Letters Listings Music

Arts

News

Books Games Film

Rough Guide Sport Voxpop

Music Features

TV Guide

Gair Rhydd is looking for enthusiastic and imaginative... ● writers ● designers ● web programmers ● photographers ● production assistants Visit us at our media penthouse Gair Rhydd, 4th Floor Students’ Union, Tel: 02920 781434 or 781436 Fax: 02920 781407 Email: ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk

Television

16

04 March

Monday

Daytime

HTV

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Make Shift 4.35 The Ghost Hunter 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Drew and Joe argue about who has the best mullet. Pools panel prediction: Scoredraw.

6.00 Open University 6.30 Playing Safe 7.00 Potsworth and Co 7.20 Arthur 7.50 Blue Peter 8.15 Ethelbert the Tiger 8.25 Just So Stories 8.35 Postman Pat 8.50 Pingu 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Magic Key 11.05 Numbertime 11.20 What? Where? When?

Why? 11.35 Watch 12.05 Pathways of Belief 12.20 Revisewise Shorts 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Ethelbert the Tiger 1.10 FILM: The Great Caruso 2.55 The Phil Silvers Show 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Drivers from Hell 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Dog and Duck 3.35 Kipper 3.45 Little Ghosts 3.55 Cardcaptors 4.20 How 2 4.40 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Airline 5.30 Crossroads Eliza announces she’s been given a pig’s bladder in high-risk experimental surgery. Brad asks permission to marry his cousin and Bob anounces his mother is gay. Possibly.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Something So Right 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Location, Location, Location 12.30 Planed Plant 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Mot a Tom 4.20 Hotel Eddie 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion News.

8.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar Eisteddfod?

8.30 Ysbyty Gwynedd

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford AKA Tango woman. False tan? Perhaps she only eats oranges and her face is affected by how much she eats.3.45 FILM: Catch a Falling Star 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders Phil tells Mel he’s thinking of becoming a Jesuit priest.

Jamie washes his hair in an attempt to look less like a greasy scally. Probably. 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 NCS Manhunt Members of the elite ‘No Carnie Squad’ hunt down dishonest fairground workers in this the BBC’s new primetime-crime-typedrama.10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 The Exchange with Huw Edwards Huw discusses the issues that are affecting Wales today. How about getting some bloody drainage on North Road for a start? 11.15 Jo Brand's Hot Potatoes Jo takes a whimsical look at the suffering caused by the Irish potato famine, interspersed with TV ad’s of all your favourite potato related products.11.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross Rossy reviews this weeks releases, and probably drops in a joke about wanking. 12.15 Liquid News 12.50 FILM: The Greek Tycoon 2.40 Joins

6.00 The Simpsons Look out for the cannabis plants in Mayor Quimby office.

They’re all at it, I tell ya.

6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Turning the Tables 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Fred Dibnah's Building of Britain: Scottish Style 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With ‘Maiden’ legend Bruce Dickinson. My friend Jo says he’s as thick as pig-shit though. Never meet your heroes..sob. 9.30 Shooting Stars On the panel: ex-junkie Will Self and the rampantly alcoholic Johnny Vegas...could be carnage.

10.00 Room 101 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Countrycide: Death of a Way of Life? More posh toffs moan about how they will be only be able to afford two Landrover Dicovery’s if hunting gets banned. 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: 12.45 Personal Passions 1.00 Breaking the Seal 1.30 Philosophy in Action2.00 Secondary Schools: English 4.00 Languages 5.00 Skillswise: New Ways of Learning

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Apparently they’re gonna bring Bet back again.

Actually I couldn’t care less.

8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald More deeply unpressing sensationalised issues. This week: “Cats – are collars the way forward?”

8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Being Victoria Beckham See this weeks choice, chums.10.20 ITV News at Ten 10.50 The Ferret 11.20 UEFA Champions League Weekly 11.50 Nationwide Football League Extra Highlights of Cardiff underperforming and Swansea attempting to string two passes together. Hey, City fans, two words: Scott Murray. Heh,heh,heh. I apologise to the majority of our readership who won’t get this. 12.35 Wheatus in Profile What the shit band?

Why do they get their own TV exposure? Major label money one suspects. God I hate Wheatus.1.05 Killers in the Water 1.50 Wish You Were Here...? 2.15 Family Life 2.40 Trisha 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 9.30 Geography Junction.

9.45 Book Box. 10.00 Stage Two Science. 10.15 The Writing House. 10.30 Place and People. 10.50 Star Maths. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Mix. 11.40 History in Action. 9.30 12.00 Jesse 12.25 Cheers 12.50 Montel 1.25 Little House on the Prairie 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.15 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Women Facing War 8.00 Salvage Squad: With d-list rent-a-slaphead, Lee Hurst. 9.00 War against Napoleon Documentary about Nelson, Napoleon and Nelson’s bitch, whose name escapes me. 10.35 True Stories: Monica in Black and White Unfortunately named discussion program with Monica Lewinski. Tried to meet her at a book signing but her security objected to my “Blow Me! I’m the King of Malta” placard. Facists.

12.10 The Real Memoirs of a Geisha 1.10 FILM: The Rebel 3.00 Shifting Units 3.10 Witness: We Don't Go to School 4.00 Animated Tales of the World 2.

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Exclusive Entertainment news 7.30 5 News 8.00 Hitler – A Profile Another Hitler documentary from our friends from the fuzzy channel called 5. Rumour has it Hitler envisiged an all conquering yet talentless indie-pop band called Wheakmus having there own promo on ITV. What a fucking evil mind. 9.00 FILM: Escape under Pressure 10.45 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation drama series about a team of forensic investigators in Las Vegas. Catherine and Nick investigate the death of a scuba diver found in full gear on top of a tree. I left the real listing for your enjoyment here. This has got to be a joke surely?

11.40 The Pepsi Chart How was Dr Fox qualified to be judge on Pop Idol? He thinks that crab’s share DNA with paedophiles for christ’s sake.

And he’s a twat. 11.45 NASCAR 12.45 AMA Supercross - First Half Season Review 3.15 Motorsport Mundial 3.40 Ironman Triathlon Panama City, Florida 4.30 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Utrecht

CHOICE Being Victoria Beckham ITV 9pm Is this really my choice? TV must be remarkably shit today.

Anyhow, after the success of Footballers’s Wives ITV give us the real thing with a detailed look at the life of

the wife of ‘Goldenballs’. Actually ‘Vicky’, as I call her, was quite entertaining in her Channel 4 thing, with top-notch celeb bitching of coked-up fashion whore Naomi Campbell. There was also this brilliant bit where she went shopping with Elton John Oxford street which was attached to a “see how we’re just normal people”, even thought they blatantly had the stores

CHANNEL 5

closed for them. Hypocrisy eh? It’s the privilege of the rich and successful, much like the cult of celebrity.

Still, we drive them to their public dodging extremes by rooting through their rubbish, stalking them at every turn, and nicking their pants off their washing line to take home for a good nights sniffing. Actually maybe that’s just me then.

Billy Connolly’s World Tour BBC1 10.35pm

Room 101 BBC 2 10.00pm

Emmerdale ITV1 7.00pm

Nelson’s Trafalgar C4 9.00pm

Monday 4 March

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

S4C

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

05 March

Tuesday

Star Trek: Voyager BBC 2 6.20pm

Secrets of the Saudi State C4 9.00pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Whats all the fuss about Flick for? I reckon she’s got eyes like Gene Wilder. Better tits though.

6.00 Open University6.50 Ever Wondered? 7.00 CBBC: Potsworth and Co 7.20 Arthur 7.50 Blue Peter 8.15 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 8.25 Just So Stories 8.35 Postman Pat 8.50 Pingu 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 You're the Boss 11.10 English Express 11.30 Zig Zag 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Focus 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 1.10 FILM: A Place for Annie 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link With Anne “Ironfist” Robinson.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Houses from Hell 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Dog and Duck 3.35 Kipper 3.45 Little Ghosts 3.55 Digimon 4.20 How 2 4.40 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Night and Day A guy from my town is in this. Still gash though. 5.30 Crossroads Benny buys a new flat cap, Alice gets a vasectomy, and Joe...oh how I tire of crap soaps. I just wanna go home now.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: 1.15 Salvage Squad 2.15 Fifteen to One 2.45 Countdown 3.30 Ideal Home Show 4.00 Joshua Jones 4.20 Cic 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Byd Pws Dewi `Pws' 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion 8.00 Pacio Holiday Venezuela.

8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Secrets of the Saudi State 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 Married 11.45 Bremner, Bird and Fortune

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Fulfillment of Mary Gray Surely worthy of several fnarr’s...bored...think i’ll have pizza for tea.

5.30 5 News National

6.00 BBC News News.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Watchdog Most hated people this week – 1. All members of Wheatus 2.

Nicky Campbell. Quiffed, smug bastard.7.30 EastEnders I’ve met Steve McFadden aka Phil Mitchell.

Bought me a drink. Top bloke. Pity this programme’s complete pony and he can’t act hey? 8.00 Holby City Set in Bristol, which I find offensive. Not nearly enough cider-induced setting fire to pubic hair type incidents, I reckon. 9.00 NCS Manhunt The “No Carnie Squad” come across a rigged hoop-la game. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 The Royle Family 11.35 Dirty Work A detailed look at the contents of various toilet’s in Glasgow.

Dirty work indeed.

12.05 FILM: Fast Company Starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Maybe.1.35 Sign Zone: Malaria and the Fall of Rome: A Meet the Ancestors Special 2.25 Sign Zone: See Hear on Saturday 3.10 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 3.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons With seen these before but they make life a little more bearable don’t they? 6.20 Star Trek: Voyager 7.05 TOTP 2 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: Naked except for superglued imitation fig leaf on his ball-sack, Bill reverts to a ferrel existence in the Quedam centre in Yeovil. 8.00 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.30 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 9.00 When Louis Met Ann Widdecombe See choice, peeps. 9.50 We Are History 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Countrycide: Death of a Way of Life? This crap’s on again? Y’know the Countryside Alliance are allegedly funded by property developers? Only concerned about the welfare of the country if it suits the corporate agenda. Possibly.

12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 Open University: Whose Web Is It Anyway? 1.00 Seeing through Maths 1.30 The Statistician Strikes Back 2.00 Secondary Schools: AS Guru: Study Skills 3.00 Secondary Schools: AS Guru: General Studies: Programme 1 4.00 Languages: Japanese Language

6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 8.00 Coronation Street 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Celeb edition with Dermot O’Leary among others.

Y’know Dermot left school with no GCSE’s? Both an inspiring success story and quite funny at the same.

Thicky. 9.00 At Home with the Braithwaites 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Lottery Liar Documentary about some bloke who convinced everybody he had won the lottery. Got three Jag’s out of it. Dude, well done. Oh, and three years in jail. Not so cool.11.20 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

11.30 Soccer Special Hopefully Bristol City will have crushed Tranmere 6-1, while Cardiff will have lost like the big-money flops they are. Hopefully, mind you.12.00 Savage Planet 12.35 Strictly Soho 1.05 FILM: Lies of the Heart 2.40 World Sport 3.05 ITV Sport Classics 3.20 Nationwide Football League Extra 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.30 Eureka! 9.45 Stop, Look, Listen. 10.00 Maths 4 Real 2. 10.15 Just Write.

10.30 Geographical Eye. 10.50 Number Crew 1.

11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 First Edition. 11.40 Science in Focus. 9.30 12.00 12.25 Cheers 12.55 Montel 1.25 FILM: Blossoms in the Dust 3.15 Ideal Home Show 3.45 Fifteen to One William 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Women Facing War: 8.00 Battle Stations: 10.00 Masters of Darkness: 11.05 Sex Crime Channel 4 have gone all Channel 5. Whats next? Not Shannon Tweed films hopefully. Why does she do it? Keep your clothes on love, you’re past your best. 12.00 FILM: With or Without You It’s got Chris Ecclestone in, so it might be ok. And the bird from Ballykissangel. Fuck it, get an early night an psyche yourself up for tomorrow.

1.40 Football Italia Mezzanotte 3.35 Powerhouse 4.00 4Learning 4.00 Animated Tales of the World. 5.15 Handmade 2.

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Ikea Mania What the fuck? Is this a series? Is B&Q Madness next week? The worlds gone mad I tell ya, mad!7.30 5 News Homebase goes Hyper?

8.00 Probable Cause 8.30 Arrest and Trial: 9.00 FILM: Braveheart Vastly historically inaccurate hollywood mash-up of Scottish history. Starring an Australian. Do you guys out there remember This Morning With Richard Not Judy? “I am an Australian liar!” Classic. 12.15 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.15 Sunshine Tour Golf 2.10 2002 Winter X Games 2.40 Best of the 2001 X Games 3.05 Channel 5 Football Classic: Australia v France 4.30 Argentinian Football: Estudiantes v River Plate Theory: TV is an elaborate conspiracy to subdue the masses. All answers point to yes. Cathode rays produce feelings of lethargy, and an unwillingness to participate in society. And is it just me or is Michelle Scully getting fitter in every episode? Is that so wrong? Well is it? I feel slighty ashamed and dirty..still would though.

CHOICE When Louis Met...Ann Widdecombe BBC2 9pm I could be really cruel about Ann Widdecombe falling from the top of the ugly tree, but it all seems a bit childish. I mean,

she knows she’s ugly, we know she’s ugly, does it really need highlighting everytime she puts her face on our screens?

That said, she is Tory scum and partly responsible for some of the racist rhetoric stirred up about asylum seekers. Still, she likes cats and teddy bears though, but then Hitler liked painting and was a vegetarian so go figure.

Evening

Tuesday 5 March

At Home with the Braithwaites ITV 1 9.00pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

NCS Manhunt BBC1 9.00pm

17

I don’t think Louis bumbling nice-guy style will cut the mustard with Herr Widdecombe and I doubt she’ll try to shag him like Christine Hamilton, but I reckon it’ll have its moments.

Not that you pay attention to my recommendations any way. I’ll be watching G-String Divas so I don’t care. Channel 5: for all your desperate loser needs.

Television

18

06 March

Wednesday S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 News; Weather 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies Songtime 3.45 Rugrats 3.55ChuckleVision 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Custer's Last StandUp.5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35Neighbours Evan and Joe lock horns.

Harold and Lou's principles clash. Least someone’s got principles. Unlike the first two – Fnnar 6.00 BBC News News

6.00 OU 6.30 Never Mind the Quality? 7.00 Potsworth and Co 7.20 Arthur 7.45 The Animal Magic Show 8.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.15 Bob the Builder 8.25 Just So Stories 8.35 Postman Pat 8.50 Pingu 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Come Outside 11.05 Number Adventures 11.20 Words and Pictures Plus 11.35 Pod's Mission 12.20 Maths Challenge 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10FILM: The Outcast 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Yes, Minister

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes 12.30 Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Shopping from Hell 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Dog and Duck 3.35 Kipper 3.45 Little Ghosts 3.55 Cardcaptors 4.20 How 2 Ace, good to see this still going. Gaz Top’s wholesome activities should stop the ragamuffins nickin phones.

4.40 My Parents Are Aliens Gutted 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads 6.00 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Ty Ni Ty Chi 12.45 Planed Plant: Mymryn Bach 1.00 Planed Plant: Bwgan 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Pet Rescue 2.15 Fifteen to One 2.45 Countdown 3.30 Ideal Home Show 4.00 SuperTed 4.10 Voltron 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 News.

God, I don’t even watch TV except for the adverts. Top marks to Ken Thorne’s World of Cars for their new campaign. Well worth the...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Duggan Shadow of a Doubt 5.30 5 News 6.00 Home and Away Nick gives Kirsty an ultimatum.

6.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

7.00 Best Inventions An intelligent toaster 7.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook Ann Widdecombe MP and Fiona Bruce. Better tone down the innuendo Ainsley.

8.05 The Vicar of Dibley 8.45 Jet Set Departure 9.00 Crimewatch UK Features the woman who drove into a group of workmen to prevent a wouldbe rapist. Well, that was her excuse.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Crimewatch UK Update 10.45 Billy Connolly's World Tour of England, Ireland and Wales 11.15 Extreme Lives: Mr Sunset Jeff Hakman, an exworld surfing champion and founder of clothing giant Quiksilver, who twice lost his fortune to heroin addiction. Did he squander the rest? 11.55 When Disco Ruled the World 1.00 FILM: Lady in Cement With Frank Sinatra and Raquel Welch. Sinatra to act as Williams sings 2.30 Sign Zone: Panorama 3.20 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 4.05 Sign Zone: Holiday 4.35 Joins BBC News 2

4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons Bart falls in love with the daughter of Rev Lovejoy. Years of separate bedrooms beckons. I’d have a crack at Moe’s daughter.

6.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation Pisspoor. Hope baldie’s handing out the degrees again this year so I can make a hero of myself.

7.05 TOTP 2 Featured artists include Kate Bush, No Doubt, Imagination, Opus III, Andy Kim and the Lambrettas. Overrated mad bint, overrated ‘comeback’ combo and who (x4)?

7.30 Inside Chanel No,no I’m not gonna sink that low.

8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 1.

Get an allotment 2.Hide from wife 3. Make moonshine 9.00 The Forgotten Battlefield Ypres, WWI. 9.50 Up in Town 10.00 attachments 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Vine.

11.20 Network East Late 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University1.00 Forest Futures 2.00 Secondary Schools: AS Guru: General Studies4.00 Languages: Japanese 5.00 Skillswise: Health and Care

6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Edna is forced to betray her true feelings when the dog goes missing. I saw a film with that plot once.Say no more.

Christ! Hell of a Fnarr 7.30 Coronation Street Janice sees Sandra with another man. Sarah's plans for Todd go disastrously wrong.

8.00 The Mirror Pride of Britain Awards Bound to feature muchos sick kiddies, teachers, nurses etc.

Including an inevitable tribute to the heroes of 11 September.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Premiership Liverpool v Newcastle, Manchester United v Tottenham, Leeds v Ipswich, and Chelsea v Fulham.

12.05 FILM: Best Seller With James Woods. A cop turned author, under pressure to produce his next book, is approached by a hit man.

Together they set about writing the hit man's story.

Deadlines!We know how he feels. 1.50 Johnny Depp: `From Hell' 2.15 Trisha 3.10 World Football 3.40 Box Office America 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd Michelle gets her kids to lie to obtain milk. I blame Thatcher. Mal has a scare in the vestry. Holy Fnar!

7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion News.

8.00 04 Wal 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 ER Carter inquires about the attending position.

Malucci makes a fatal assumption.

10.00 Brookside 10.30 Sex and the City Carrie turns in her first Vogue article. And Richard surprises Samantha by stating his desire for a monogamous relationship.

11.10 Sex and the City Carrie discovers that Big is leaving the city. Miranda gives birth to a healthy baby boy.

11.50 Jackass 12.20 Eden 12.50 Because You're Worth It: 100 Years of Make-Up 1.50 Alanis Morissette 2.20 Football Italia ...licence fee, except it’s ITV obviously. Good to see The Window Man back as well: “Interest free credit!That’s right, I said interest free credit!”. None of which as good as Crazy Mac’s Discount Warehouse: “Hi, I’m Crazy Mac. My wife says: ‘Mac,you’re crazy’”Ah, parochial adverts!More of them please!

6.30 Family Affairs7.00 The Movie Chart Show The Royal Tenenbaums 7.30 5 News National and international news with Kirsty Young.

8.00 FILM: Ice Station Zebra With Rock Hudson and Ernest Borgnine. Not bad if you like that sort of thing.

10.50 FILM: The Prophecy With Christopher Walken.

Now this is more like it!

Watch this, it’s bomb. Bit like The X Files but far more ridiculous and scary.

Therefore, hilarious. Features the most outrageously camp performance in a career of outrageously camp performances from Hollywood legend, Christopher Walken.

Basically, it’s Paradise Lost with king of the blowdrys, Walken as the fallen angel Gabriel. Fighting for control of Heaven, he searches Earth for an Evil soul he can put to good (ie bad) use.

Unfortunately, it’s contained in a wee girl. Ends with him getting his heart ripped out but that doesn’t hinder him from appearing in two sequels. Fair enough.

12.40 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay

When Disco Ruled the World BBC1 10.45pm

The Forgotten Battlefield BBC2 9.00pm

The Pride of Britain Awards ITV1 8.00pm

ER C4 9.00pm

CHOICE Film: The Prophecy C5, 10.50 pm Oh, my day! Please see hysterical synopsis above. Cheers.

Bargain Hunt

BBC 1, 11.30 pm Best thing on TV ever! Good to have this back. I’m trying to persuade DC Gates to come on this with me but he’d probably do a runner with the £200 straight down the offy.

Dave Dickinson’s a legend and a born entertainer. Kind of like Lovejoy’s camper

6 March

HTV

Wednesday

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

uncle and after a couple of episodes, you can’t help but absorb Dickinson’s ‘cheap as chips’ patter.

Endearingly small scale, with couples jubilant upon turning a fiver profit. This is quintessential Student TV and what makes Britain er, ‘Great’.

Check out the Bargain Hunt website for tat competitions.

Television

07 March

Thursday

Trouble at the Top BBC2 9.50pm

BBC 2

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 Tweenies Songtime 3.45 Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Mummy 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Is Darcy intending to mix business with pleasure? Nothing involving Darcy should ever be remotely sexual, so no fnarr for you here.

6.00 Open University 6.30 Informer, Eduquer, Divertir? 7.00 Potsworth and Co 7.20 Arthur 7.50 Blue Peter 8.15 CBeebies: Dr Otter 8.25 Just So Stories 8.35 Postman Pat 8.50 Pingu 9.00 Teletubbies So 20th century, darlings.

9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Megamaths 11.10 Look and Read 11.30 Science Zone 11.50 Landmarks 12.10 Focus 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 CBeebies: Dr Otter 1.10 FILM: Back to Bataan 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Family Fortunes Proof, if proof were needed, that the general public is utterly and irredeemably stupid. 12.30 News 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Dates from Hell 3.10 News Headlines 3.15 HTV News 3.25 Dog and Duck 3.35 Kipper 3.45 Little Ghosts 3.55 Digimon 4.20 How 2 4.40 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads Mandy is still in hospital as everyone wonders whether she will recover.

‘Everyone’ used in the loosest possible sense of the word, obviously.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Bryn Seren 12.45 Planed Plant: Ari Awyren 1.00 Planed Plant: Tecwyn y Tractor 1.15 Battle Stations 2.15 Fifteen to One 2.45 Countdown 3.30 Ideal Home Show 4.00 Stori'r Anifeiliaid 4.05 Wali Wags 4.20 Siop Siafad 4.40 Celf a Chleff 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy Now beyond boring, so I’ll take this opportunity to sell all things Princess Superstar to my dear readers. Go and buy, for she is a goddess.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Ground Zero Presumably not that Ground Zero, but a mere coincidence in the innocent mind of the Channel 5 programmers.

5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today is absolutely fucking freezing, and the weather has made me very ill. So, not pleased with Wales today.

7.00 Vets in Practice: All Change 7.30 EastEnders Responsible for traumatising a nation after nearly showing Dot and Jim’s wedding night.

Shudder. 8.00 DIY SOS SOS would be spot on. 8.30 This Is Your Life Surely this only gets any ratings at all from the TVs in nursing homes where the immobile old people can’t turn it off. 9.00 Clocking Off Yes, we are.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time Panellists include Ben Bradshaw MP, Julie Kirkbride MP, Baroness Williams, John Edmonds and chef Antony Worrall Thompson. Worth tuning in just to find out why the fuck Worrall Thompson is on a political programme. 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 Sign Zone: Watchdog 12.35 Sign Zone: Watchdog Healthcheck 1.05 Joins BBC News 24 Christ, Thursday’s a shite day for TV. Go out, for god’s sake. Or do something interesting. The TV doesn’t need to be on, you know. See Preview.

6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 Iolo's Wild Winter 8.00 Dragon's Eye 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 9.00 Horizon The series looks at the reasons why the towers of the World Trade Center collapsed so catastrophically. Has sufficient time elapsed for me to tell a tasteless WTC joke? Of course. Anyway, a Mexican’s serving hot dogs and burgers to tourists at the foot of the WTC. It’s a busy day, and there’s a long queue.

Suddenly, the two planes crash overhead; the crowd draw back, gasping in shock.

Dealing with a particularly large order, the Mexican also looks up. ‘Who the hell ordered two jumbos?’, he growls, harassed. 9.50 Trouble at the Top 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Rugby Special 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science 1.00 Final Frontier 1.35 Hollywood Science 1.45 Truth Will Out 2.00 The Science of Climate? 2.30 Managing Biodiversity 3.00 Mapping the Milky Way 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Languages 5.00 Skillswise: Good Practice

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Edna takes a new friend into her home and her life. Zak tries to build bridges when he invites Peg to move home.

Double fnarr!

7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 The Bill Spears is at it again with the Chief Superintendent. Goodness, ITV are being filthy tonight fnarr again! Especially if that’s Britney they’re referring to. 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 11.00 Night and Day Alex thinks Della is Jane at the reconstruction, then overhears Dennis saying he once kissed Jane, and Della saying that Josh lied to the police. Rather like a subShakespearian comedy of errors. Advice to soap writers: given the average intellect of your audience, it’s probably an idea not to let the plots get too confusing in any one episode. 12.00 Pulling Power 12.35 Dharma and Greg 1.00 CD:UK 1.50 Riders and Rich Kids 2.15 Cybernet 2.40 Trisha 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6.05 Wedi 6.30 Pobl y Chyff 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion 8.00 Y Clwy 8.30 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Planet Storm: Fire 9.30 Brookside 10.30 Y Ty 11.10 Banzai 11.40 Black Books 12.10 Eden 12.40 Temptation Island 1.40 FILM: Don't Be a Menace to South Central while Drinking Your Juice in the Hood 3.20 Third Watch

6.00 Home and Away Nick blames himself for Kirsty's mishap in the surf. A very lame fnarr - it might have been rude. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Pepsi Chart Featuring Pop Idol winner Will Young, and a rundown of the new Top 10.

Ooh – I am informed by a usually-reliable source that Will Young is gay, or he was when he was at uni anyway.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Coronation Britain Something to do with the Golden Jubilee, as if anyone cares. ‘I fucking hate corgis’ - Princess Margaret. If you could choose one member of the Royal Family to die next, who would get the chop? My guillotine’s heading for that William twat. 9.00 FILM: Bat 21 11.05 G-string Divas: Cashmere's Dilemma This got lower ratings than the curling the other week. Not sure whether this is good or bad. 11.40 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.25 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Ajax 2.00 Argentinian Football 3.35 Channel 5 Football Classic: Red Star Belgrade v Leicester City Football overload - make it stop! 5.10 Sunshine Tour Golf But not with golf.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Cheers 1.00 Encounters: Noriyuki and Satomi 1.10 FILM: The Man in the Iron Mask 3.15 Ideal Home Show 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Women Facing War: Efrat 8.00 Brookside 9.00 Sex Crime Investigators 10.00 Friends 10.30 Banzai 11.05 The Estate Agents 11.35 So Graham Norton 12.40 Black Books 1.10 Temptation Island 2.05 Football Italia - Mezzanotte 3.50 Trans World Sport 4.45 Powerhouse 5.10 Countdown 5.55 Tales of a Wise King

Evening

Thursday 7 March

The Bill ITV1 8.00pm

BBC 1

Daytime

Today’s Highlights

Clocking Off BBC1 9.00pm

19

Brookside C4 8.00pm

CHOICE The Simpsons BBC2, 6.00pm This is not a Preview of The Simpsons: you all know why it’s good and why you should watch it. No, this is a rant on the frankly lamentable standards of television which we

all endure each night, and the huge abyss between what it could be and what it is.

Television drama is, almost without exception, a minefield of cliche and sentimentality. Reality TV is filled with Geri Halliwell wannabes. Soaps retread old ground in ever-decreasing circles. In the mistaken belief that they are catering to ‘popular culture’, whatever the fuck that is,

TV programmers everywhere in fact create it: a horrifying, brazenly dumb monolith of a society.

We need art and thought and politics and theories and good music and passion and philosophy, not Chris Tarrant and Footballers’ Wives.

We need a revolution.

Television

20

08 March

Friday

Evening

HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys Sounds like gay porn, this. Intriguing.

11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Doctors 2.40 Diagnosis Murder 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Rugrats 3.55 SMart on the Road 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Next Big Thing Final 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.30 The Next Big Thing: The Winner 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open University 6.30 Catalysts against Pollution 7.00 Potsworth and Co 7.20 Arthur 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 Pocket Dragon Adventures 8.15 Bill and Ben 8.25 Just So Stories 8.35 Postman Pat 8.50 Pingu 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Hands Up! 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Words and Pictures 11.35 Watch 11.50 Zig Zag 12.10 Landmarks 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bill and Ben 1.10 FILM: Stalag 17 3.10 Looking Good Tricks 3.20 BBC News 3.30 Esther 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Boot Sale Challenge 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Raymond Blanc's Passion for Perfection is obviously frustrated in this far-fromperfect programme. 2.10 Inspirations You’ll find none here. 2.40 Country Lives 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Dog and Duck 3.35 Kipper 3.45 Little Ghosts 3.55 Cardcaptors 4.20 How 2 4.40 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 Airline 5.30 Catchphrase

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant: Criw Babalw 1.15 Empires of Stone 2.15 Fifteen to One 2.45 Countdown 3.30 Ideal Home Show 4.00 Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Pacio Holiday 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 World Rally Oh Christ, Geri Halliwell’s on the radio. Get the dumb bint off!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Nosey 7.00 Happy Monsters 7.15 Little Antics 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 T J Hooker 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah Isn’t she the richest woman in America?

She’ll be able to run for President now with all that cash, anyway. 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Blood River 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Tune Team 7.30 Top of the Pops If you shout ‘shite’ at every crap act on here, you will end up swearing more than you have ever done before in half an hour. 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 All about Me Sitcom about a multiracial family. Peter is terrified that his father will discover his secret. ::suspicious:: Is this a new thing? Sounds crap.

9.00 Lenny Henry in Pieces Oh, if only, if only. 9.30 Belonging Ruth and Steve react badly when they discover what their daughter has been up to. Well, what’s she been up to? Sex? Drugs?

Rock’n’roll? A devilish combo of the three? Doubt it, it’s still only 9.30.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Mike Doyle 11.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross is one of the few things worse than Friday night at Zeus. Ross is an irritating wanker who needs some good old Patrick Bateman treatment right fucking now. 11.45 FILM: Congo ‘Amy the lead gorilla is disturbingly attractive’ Harv 1.30 FILM: The Horror of Frankenstein 3.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Robot Wars Extreme Revisited If you’re watching this, you really shouldn’t be.

Believe me. 6.45 Scrum V Live: Pontypridd v Neath I’d quite like to meet a vaguely civilised rugby player one of these days, it hasn’t happened yet. 9.00 Gardeners' World 9.30 Crufts 2002 10.00 Clarissa and the Countryman Sounds like soft-focus soft porn, but is in fact Clarissa as in Clarissa DicksonWright, so – I do so sincerely hope – it isn’t. 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review Mark Lawson discusses the highs and lows of the cultural week with Tom Paulin, Sophie Hannah and Ekow Eshun.

Pretentious-in-a-bad-way, cool and cool respectively.

11.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 12.20 Robot Wars Extreme Revisited 1.05 FILM: Reality Bites Ooh sounds ace! Directed by Ben Stiller (so hopefully won’t see that much of his munting face), and has the twin beauties of Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke – yum.

Sounds like a good film, too.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise at School: Science 1

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Passions run high as the girls go wild on their night out.

Zak is frustrated when his attempts to form a relationship with Peg go unrewarded. Ooh – beaucoup fnarrs!

7.30 Coronation Street Toyah puts herself in a difficult position. Some of these self-pleasure routines are difficult, you know.

Fnarr. 8.00 Wish You Were Here...? 8.30 John Thaw Tribute Weekend: Inspector Morse 10.30 Savage Planet: Buried Alive 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Club Reps Maz decides on a quiet night in with a game of Scrabble, whilst swearing off alcohol forever. Darren declares his intention to become a monk, with the promise of celibacy being the deciding factor.

12.00 Veronica's Closet 12.30 FILM: Throw Momma from the Train 2.10 Alice Cooper - In Profile 2.35 Box Office America 3.00 World Football 3.25 Trisha 4.25 Judge Judy 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

10.00 Brookside 10.35 Frasier 11.05 So Graham Norton 11.55 Eden 12.25 The Estate Agents 12.55 Thumb Bandits 1.25 Top Ten - X Rated 3.00 FILM: Body Bags

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Karen is riddled with guilt about Cat's secret. What secret’s that then - didn’t get to the litter tray in time? 7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife: Europe 7.30 5 News 8.00 Gladiators of World War II: Paras and Commandos 9.00 FILM: Two for Texas Has Kris Kristofferson in it, is shit.

10.55 FILM: Sexual Malice With Edward Albert and Chad McQueen. This is Channel 5 soft porn, so one of those must be the female lead: so go on, guess which one – Edward or Chad?

12.50 FILM: Missing Pieces With Kurtwood Smith.

Kurtwood isn’t a name. It’s... a tree. 2.35 FILM: So Fine 4.00 Sons and Daughters 4.25 Sons and Daughters 4.50 Two 5.30 Okavango And Channel 5 doesn’t fail us this week, leaving lots of acreage to be grumpy in. I hope you’re all pleased with my commitment to duty, writing this with the sorest throat in the world and a migraine hasn’t been easy.

Commitment to duty, that’s what’s lacking in the youth of today. You’d never find them writing newspaper columns in this state. Be grateful, be very grateful.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Cheers 12.55 Montel 1.30 Encounters: David 1.35 FILM: 3.10 to Yuma 3.15 Ideal Home Show 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 The Hidden Jihad 8.00 World Rally 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 Black Books 10.00 Frasier See Preview. 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.25 Jackass Ace - watch this.

11.55 The Estate Agents 12.25 Thumb Bandits 12.55 Late-Night Poker 2.00 Four Weeks to Find a Girlfriend and, I suspect, four weeks after that until he gets dumped. 2.30 Third Watch 3.15 Brimstone 4.05 Vee-TV 4.30 Powerhouse 5.00 Countdown 5.45 The Trap Door 5.50 Tales of a Wise King 5.55 The Clangers

All About Me BBC1 8.30pm

Gardener’s World BBC2 8.30pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

Frasier C4 10.00pm

CHOICE Frasier S4C, 10.35pm Frasier is officially the Last Good American Sitcom. They used to be everywhere, these American comedies dismissing pathetic British efforts with their sharp one-liners and array of eccentrics. Then Friends

forgot to stop, Ally McBeal turned glutinous and sentimental – the wretched Christmas episode and the de-bitching of Ling proving fatal – and Seinfeld ended. And so we have Sex And The City, which isn’t very good anyway, and Frasier.

Suave’n’sophisticated dandyism rubs shoulders with basic falling-over jokes. The characterisation has avoided Friends-style stagnation, but Niles, Frasier, Roz and the rest are still recognisable from the first

series. Far from degenerating with age, Frasier - rather like one of the fine wines beloved of the brothers - has matured and improved, and remains compulsive Friday night viewing. Impressively, too, it does it without a romantic will-they-won’t-they subplot: contrary to expectation, the whole shebang didn’t fall apart on Niles and Daphne’s marriage. There’s no specific focal plot – just recurring themes and bloody good laughs.

Friday 8 March

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

(029) 2022 9977

62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Television

21

09 March

Saturday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

7.00 Little Bear 7.25 The Itsy Bitsy Spider 7.50 Zorro 8.15 UBOS 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Racing from Chepstow 1.50 Athletics 2.05 Racing from Chepstow 2.20 Athletics 3.45 Football Half-Times 3.55 Athletics 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.10 BBC News; Weather 5.20 Wales Today 5.25 Match of the Day Live: Newcastle v Arsenal

6.10 Imagining the Pacific No, it’s real, I’ve seen it. It’s blue. 6.40 Le Corbusier and the Villa La Roche 7.05 Your Place or Mine? 7.35 Paris and the New Mathematics 8.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Open University: Trend Trackers 9.30 Ever Wondered? 9.55 Well Connected 10.00 Renaissance Secrets 10.30 Ever Wondered? 10.40 See Hear on Saturday 11.25 The Sky at Night 11.45 Saturday Kitchen 1.15 Treasure 1.40 FILM: Citizen Kane 3.35 FILM: The Magnificent Ambersons 5.00 FILM: Vera Cruz

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 HTV News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 1.30 Sailing: Volvo Ocean Race 2.30 The New Addams Family 3.00 FILM: The Hindenburg Balloon fun.

5.05 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 5.20 ITV News 5.30 New You've Been Framed! But still, the same old videos. Please stop sending them in and supporting this crap. Lisa Reilly does not deserve celebrity.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Verbier Freestyle Skiing 7.30 Trans World Sport He/she boxing. 8.30 ICC Cricket World 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sporting Talk 10.30 The Fugitive 11.20 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.10 Stargate SG-1 1.00 Jackie Stewart - The Flying Scot 1.30 Cheltenham Festival Preview 2.00 Channel 4 Racing from Sandown Park and Wolverhampton 4.05 All Sorts 4.30 The Science of Secrecy 5.00 Newyddion News 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi Live coverage of Newport v Glasgow

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Milkshake!

8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 Mega Babies 8.55 Strange Dawn 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.20 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.30 Trex 2 12.00 5 News Saturday 12.30 The Pepsi Chart 1.00 Popular 1.55 The Tribe 2.55 Home and Away Omnibus 5.00 FILM: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Hard-biting drama set in 40’s Hollywood.

Bob Hoskins befriends a severely deformed albino entertainer.

7.35 The National Lottery Jet Set 8.10 Casualty 9.00 Strange Murder A defrocked priest with a dark past turns demon hunter to investigate some chilling deaths in the shadow of a cathedral. Not half as scary as a nudey vicar, though.

What? That’s not what ‘defrocked’ means? Oh, muddah. 10.00 BBC News 10.20 Parkinson 11.25 They Think It's All Over 11.55 FILM: Tremors Awesome don’t step-on-the-groundcos-the-giant-space-wormswill-eat-you scenes. Has Kiefer Sutherland in it.

Who’s also starring in new series ‘24’, starting Sunday.

Does anyone else think that this is a career plummet for haunted Bruce-Willis-lite Sutherland? Steve: ‘Yes, similar to Craig Charles' descent from Red Dwarf to Robot Wars’. Ah yes, but KS is more of a failure, because he used to be huge. Craig Charles was a tit since the day he were born. 1.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross You mucking liar, Ross.

It’s Saturday and you know it. Stop screwing with time you crazy, beautiful fool.

2.10 Top of the Pops 2.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.30 Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? 7.00 What the Papers Say 7.10 Britart 8.00 Crufts 2002 Any jokes to link the words ‘Phillipa Forrester’ and ‘dog’? No, thought not. 9.00 Class of 1987 Game show in which ex-pupils from the same school compete in a test of their cultural knowledge about the year they left school. For ‘cultural knowledge’ read ‘Bananarama’ and ‘Rubik’s Cubes’. 9.45 Three Fights, Two Weddings and a Funeral Steve Coogan’s a funny guy, but I never really got into his Paul and Pauline Calf characters. Go watch anyway. 10.20 Wonderland 12.05 Dance for the Camera: The World Turned Upside Down Confused and battered Chelsea Pensioners are electrically stimulated so that their limbs twitch convulsively in a danse macabre in a room in which all the furniture is stuck to the roof.

At gunpoint.12.15 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 12.45 FILM: Smoke Three hour steadicam shot of a man’s face as he smokes a massive reefer outside a police station in clear violation of the law.

3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 Mr Bean: The Animated Series Rowan Atkinson proves yet again that he is entirely talentless except when supported by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton. Don’t argue with me: I’ve seen his stand-up.

6.30 Stars in Their Eyes I’m going to go on this as Matthew Kelly. 7.20 Blind Date 8.20 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Kavanagh QC When an officer and a seaman are accused of arson at a naval court martial, Kavanagh finds he cannot use his only defence. His lassoo. 10.30 Denis Norden's 6th Laughter File While watching this show, make it funnier by pronouncing ‘Denis’ as ‘Denise’. And pointing at the telly everytime he touches his glasses with his clipboard. 11.15 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Club Reps 12.00 FILM: Bull Durham Baseball movie with Kevin Costner. Could only be more boring if set in Halfords.

2.15 Veronica's Closet 2.40 Popped in, Crashed Out 3.05 Box Office America 3.30 Judge Judy 3.50 World Sport 4.15 World Football 4.40 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV News

7.15 Tipyn O Stad Omnibws 8.15 Tony ac Aloma 9.05 Dim Ond Ti a Mi (a Roy) 9.35 Newyddion 9.50 World Rally 10.35 Life of Brian 12.15 Les Visiteurs 2.15 Late-Night Poker This is terrific, actually. Get smashed and collapse in front of it. A bunch of people – apparently picked at random – compete for big money across a glass table so we can see the cards. The best thing is watching sharpsuited poker sharps from LA getting shafted by Solihull taxi drivers. 3.15 Autumn Leaves twirling, endlessly twirling in the October breeze. Wither wind though, sycamore traveller? Your face is dusty but your heels are free. CH4. As S4C except: 10.30 Football Italia Gazzetta 11.30 Jackie Stewart 12.00 Happy Days 12.10 12.30 Little House on the Prairie 4.10 Brookside 6.00 Ideal Home Show 6.50 Channel 4 News 7.15 World Rally 8.00 Culture Desperate attempt to raise the tone of tonight’s TV. 9.00 Heroes of Comedy: Hattie Jacques 10.00 Can We Carry on Girls? 11.05 Kings 3.55 Code Name: Eternity 4.45 Crusade Richard has second thoughts.

6.50 Charmed 7.40 5 News 8.00 High Speed Pursuits Compilation of footage shot from police car dashboardmounted cameras, helicopters and news cameras from across the US. Which came first, the video footage or the programme concept? If the latter, these cops are clearly racing at high speed just to get an appearance on the show. Before we know it, US cops will get a reputation for being dangerous pricks.

9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: The Fisher King 1.20 FILM: Bird 4.05 Russell Grant's Postcards This week, Russell goes backpacking on the cusp of Virgo and Libra.

(Is is me, or is TV Guide just not as funny as it used to be?

I’m just winging this to be honest, I put all my energy into Blagging and simply can’t be arsed with it). 4.15 Sons and Daughters Latenite Channel 5 porn? With an illegal twist. 4.40 Sons and Daughters Not really of course, I love you all. I promise to try harder with Sunday’s listings. Don’t leave me. 5.05 Okavango 5.30 Bamboo Bears Pandas! It’s pandas, I’m certain this time.

Casualty BBC1 8.10pm

Class 0f 1987 BBC2 9.00pm

Stars in Their Eyes ITV1 6.20pm

CSI C5 9.00pm

CHOICE Denis Norden’s 6th Laughter File HTV, 10.30 pm The fifth ninja turtle is wheeled out for a sixth batch of tired puns and dry-as-a-corpse witticisms. How does this man keep going?

Norden struggles to deliver even the most simple of sentences – such as “Hello I’m Denis Norden” – talking out of the side of his mouth, body supported by a steel rod bolted to the studio floor. I wouldn’t mind but he grips his clipboard as though his life depends on it. His eyes are moving, he’s reading the autocue, but still that clipboard swings like a rudder, fanning his monotone burblings into

Saturday 9 March

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

the minds of his similarly comatose audience.

In any case, blooper clips of news readers flashing their chests and being bitten by llamas require no introduction. Heck, they don’t even need a title sequence: just cram them in back-to-back and the public will lap it up twenty-four seven, periodically mooing their approval. The future of ITV, my friends.

Television

22

10 March

Sunday HTV

S4C

CHANNEL 5

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 The Cruise 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 12.50 Match of the Day Live: Middlesborough v Everton 3.00 EastEnders 4.50 Keeping Up Appearances 5.20 BBC News; Weather 5.35 Regional News; Weather Local news.

5.40 Songs of Praise Helen Young presents a Mother's Day selection of music and praise from Southwell, Nottinghamshire, and meets a mother whose love was tested when her son went to prison.

6.05 Open University 6.30 Housing 7.00 News Stories 7.25 Object Lessons 7.30 Lab Detectives 7.45 Wild Moves 8.15 UBOS 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.05 The Woody Woodpecker Show 9.25 The Cramp Twins 9.40 The Mummy 10.00 Grange Hill 10.50 The Next Big Thing Alex: ‘Alizee’. Harv: ‘big scarves’. 11.15 Stingray 11.40 Robot Wars 12.25 Treasure 12.50 Home Front Tricks 1.00 The Pop Factory 1.30 Sunday Grandstand 1.35 World Superbikes 3.30 Badminton 4.45 Ski Sunday 5.30 Wild: Nick Baker's Rainforest

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Pokemon 9.55 X-Men Evolution 10.30 Scooby Doo 10.55 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Who Is This Jesus? 12.30 Waterfront 12.55 HTV News 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.00 Soccer Sunday 2.30 That's Esther No, it’s a horse. 3.00 Young Hercules 3.30 Storm Force 4.00 Heaven's Sound 4.30 HTV News 4.45 The Shape of Wales Like a pig’s head, apparently. I’ve never been so I wouldn’t know.

5.15 ITV News 5.30 Goodnight Mister Tom The curmudgeonly war-dodger must break in his wisecracking cockney sidekick.

6.20 Salty's Lighthouse What the muck is this?

‘Salty’s Lighthouse’? I know that most children’s TV has obscure sexual connotations, but surely this is pushing it.

Why not just call it ‘Big Sweaty Cock’. 6.40 The Hoobs 7.05 Blue's Clues The animated dog shakes down more of Detroit’s criminal underworld. This week: Find the hat. 7.35 Football Italia 8.35 Popworld 9.30 As If 10.00 Hollyoaks 12.00 Rownd a Rownd 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Brookside 3.55 The Hidden Jihad 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 Miracles of Faith 7.00 Milkshake! 7.05 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.05 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.30 Babar 9.00 The Enid Blyton Secret Series 9.35 Tintin 10.05 Pet Project 10.35 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.30 FAQ 12.00 You Know What I'm Saying 12.30 5 News Update 12.40 The Academy 1.10 Agrippine 1.35 Night Fever 2.35 Family Affairs Omnibus 4.50 5 News 5.10 FILM: Angels in the Outfield

6.15 Last of the Summer Wine Problems arise when Kevin decides to be the `Wise Man of the Woods'.

6.45 Antiques Roadshow The team discover a sockmaking machine and two stuffed eagles.

7.30 Ground Force This week, a Dorset couple are outraged when they find that their new flower beds form a crude image of Charlie Dimmock’s face when viewed from the air.

Titchmarsh’s claims of innocence are thrown into doubt when a map of Britain covered in pins and marked ‘Charlie Dimmock Project’ is found in his spare room.

8.00 Only Fools and Horses 9.00 Rescue Me Knockaround comedy starring Fontella Bass.

Episode Two: Brown Sugar.

Fontella’s new job in a sugar factory is under threat when health inspector Sammy Davis Jr. arrives on the scene. 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama: Mugabe: The Price of Silence 11.00 Son of God Jeremy Bowen asks how Jesus gained so many followers. 11.50 Match of the Day 12.25 FILM: Mortal Fear Jeremy Bowen’s question answered.

6.00 Wild: The Miracle Lioness See, told you Sunday would be funnier. Oh God, what’s the point? How can I compete with what came before me? Kill me now. 6.10 Wild: The Natural World: Top Bat I once saw a documentary about a blind guy in America who could see with his ears. He made clicking noises with his tongue and interpreted the echoes that bounced off objects around him. I’m not even joking.

7.00 Crufts 2002 7.15 As BBC2 8.00 Crufts 2002 9.00 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? I’m tougher than Dermot O’Leary, that’s for sure. 10.00 24 Kiefer Sutherland begs for recognition by appearing on Sunday night BBC2, making him marginally less famous than the old man who sings into a toy microphone on Queen St. Old man: you rock 10.45 The X Files 11.30 As BBC2 12.15 Room 101 12.30 Dance for the Camera: The Lost Dances of Egon Schiele Polish veteran animated by means of psychotropic drugs and strategically placed thumb tacks. 12.40 FILM: Blue in the Face 2.00 BBC Learning Zone

7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 8.30 Heartbeat A missing kettle keeps the Ashfordley police force on high alert, allowing Greengrass to smuggle a consignment of teazels across the Lancashire border unoticed. 9.30 The Jury The jury’s deliberations are thrown into disarray by the appearance of a thirteenth member wearing a stripey jumper and black mask.

10.30 ITV Weekend News 10.45 The South Bank Show 11.50 Ultimate Questions Martyn Lewis chairs a debate on the issues of today from a moral, ethical and spiritual standpoint. This week: Rainbow at Zeus. Bungle the Bear accepts questions from Will Self, Germaine Greer and David Blunkett.

12.35 FILM: The Cemetery Club A young boy’s plans for a secret clubhouse are threatened by his lack of living friends. Thankfully Rotface (Denis Norden) and Noskin (Walter Matthau) are able to lend him a hand... literally! 2.35 Women who Kill This week: Thatcher.

3.30 Cybernet 3.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Dwy Fam 9.00 Talcen Caled 10.05 Newyddion News.10.20 World Rally 10.50 FILM: Halloween: H20 12.25 The Trust 1.25 Culture Clash 2.25 FILM: Fun CH4. As S4C except: 6.15 Animal Alphabet 7.35 The Kids from Room 402 9.00 Johnny Bravo 9.25 Popworld 12.30 As If 1.10 Eden Omnibus 2.20 FILM: Show Boat 4.15 Andromeda 5.05 Time Team 6.05 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7.00 World Rally 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.00 Mum, I'm a Muslim 9.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 10.00 FILM: Four Weddings and a Funeral 12.10 Football Italia - La Partita 1.10 ICC Cricket World 1.45 Verbier Freestyle 2.10 Movers and Shakers 2.40 Climbing for the Fatherland Better than persecuting, I suppose. 3.35 The Original Terminator This was a civil war steamship, apparently. A comparison to Arnold Schwazenegger reveals it to have fewer legs but more lifeboats.

7.05 Martial Law 8.00 Killer Waves 9.00 FILM: Wounded Touching but overly sentimental drama chronicalling the lives of the Home Alone ‘Wet Bandits’ after their ill-fated career in crime. Harry (Joe Pesci) tries to win back both his pride and the woman he loves despite having an arse full of rusty nails and a tin of paint embedded in his frontal lobe.

Meanwhile the Jewish one (Jeff Goldblum) starts a new life as a car salesman, hampered only by his massive internal injuries and full-body scarring. Features Macaulay Culkin as Nurse Deathfinger. 11.00 Arrest and Trial: Family Dishonour This week, Bouncer faces death by electrocution after doing a poo behind the sofa. His case to avoid the chair depends on the fact that he is a dog and is thus not allowed on the furniture. 11.30 Law and Order 12.30 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Dallas Stars v New Jersey Devils 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay: Detroit Red Wings v Toronto Maple Leafs Sponsored by Bodyform.

(See what I’ve done there?)

Last of the Summer Wine BBC1 6.15pm

24 BBC2 10.00pm

Coronation Street ITV1 7.30pm

Time Team C4 5.35pm

CHOICE 24 BBC 2, 10.00 pm Kiefer Sutherland makes the transition from the silver screen to the sepia-toned world of Sunday-evening BBC 2. Now, while this looks quite good, it’s complete folly to

pretend that this is a career high. Give it up, Sutherland. The regent of darkness says of 24: ‘This is different from when I was doing Stand By Me, The Lost Boys or Young Guns’. That’s right, mate. You’re a faliure, pure and simple. Even Julia Roberts dumped you.

Mind you, I’ve never starred in a highprofile television series, let alone a string of

Sunday 10 March

Evening

BBC 2

Today’s Highlights

Daytime

BBC 1

popular and definitive Hollywood thrillers.

So who am I to talk? Who’s the real loser: Kiefer Sutherland, sitting on his yacht, sipping a dry Martini and being fellated by a sixteen-year-old wannabe actress, or me, sitting in last week’s pants, sipping a cup of sick and being fellated by a sixteen-year-old golden retriever? I’ll leave you to decide.

Sport ● 23

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

Cardiff University sporting superstar PROFILE Matthew Greenhill NATALIE LEWIS is no ordinary member of Cardiff University.

While being a second year student studying for a Welsh and French degree may not seem unusual, her athletic ability certainly is.

Natalie is one of the country’s top young runners having represented both Wales and Great Britain in major competitions and most recently she won the women’s 1500m at this years AAA Indoor Athletic Championships held at nearby UWIC. Being a local girl from Whitchurch, Natalie is one of about thirty Sports Bursars here at the University.

But what exactly is this Sports Bursary scheme? “It’s just like a sports scholarship run by the University,” Natalie replies. “I get £1,000 a year from the university, and the last three years I have had five hundred pounds from the Sports Council of Wales. The money is great and I use it for warmweather training and for staying over when I go away to races.”

While the idea of funding may sound appealing and attractive to most, an insight into her training schedule and the dedication that is required makes the prospect seem less enticing.

“I train six days a week and have a rest day. I mostly train twice a day; before lectures I’ll go for a run for about 20-30 minutes and then in the night I’ll go down the track at UWIC and train for a few hours,” she says,

obliviously putting the rest of us students to shame.

So, with such a frequency and intensity in training, are the delights of Jive Hive and Lash something that are forgone? “I do go out but probably only about once a week but I don’t drink, I’ll drive and take the car instead,” she states.

Such an attitude is indicative of her maturity and simply reflects her professionalism and dedication to athletics.

But where did such a desire and motivation to run originate from in the first place? “My dad is a coach. Ten years ago he coached a 100m relay runner for the Olympics in 1988.

“I just went along with my dad and started running with them. I then started running cross country at primary school when I was 10 and entering competitions,” she explains.

In fact, not only is Natalie’s father an athletics coach but her boyfriend is also a successful runner who competed in the senior World Championships last year.

With her nearest so heavily involved in the sport of athletics it is no surprise then to hear of Natalie’s success and selection for the Welsh and the current under-23 Great Britain squad.

Despite these squad selections, which are an honour in themselves, Natalie feels the peak of her success so far came at the beginning of February at the AAA Championships at the indoor stadium at UWIC where she won the women’s 1500m.

This is a triumph which is even more outstanding when you consider the fact that she has only been running the 1500m for a year as she used to compete in the 800m.

“The AAA’s are my highlight so far. I have never won a British Junior Championships, I’ve always been second or third. But then with my first one as a senior I won. I just cried when I won, I cried on National TV,” she says laughing.

With the Commonwealth Games only a few months away, does a trip to Manchester beckon? “Yeah I hope to go to the Commonwealth Games this year but I need to get the qualifying time first. I’m quite a way off the time at the moment but it’s a target to aim for and I hope that I can do it,” she proclaims confidently.

Despite her desire to go to the Commonwealth Games, Natalie is less certain of wanting to go to the Olympics and making a living out of athletics.

Instead a career in sports journalism is something which she has often thought about.

“I’ve always wanted to do sports journalism, always. It’s hard to make a good living out of running unless you’re breaking world records.

“I feel that I could earn more and be more secure doing sports journalism,” she explains.

Natalie’s next major competition is the BUSA outdoor championship in May but not before she escapes the incessant rain and wind of Cardiff for the more sunnier delights of Portugal for three weeks of warm-weather training.

However, if Natalie’s journalistic flair goes anywhere near to matching her athletic ability then there are going to be many a sports columnist fearing the day she lays her running shoes to rest and picks up a pen.

Curling becomes national obsession WINTER OLYMPICS David Williams AFTER ONE of the most dramatic and controversial Winter Olympics in years the British team are celebrating their best performance in over half a century.

The Olympics of Salt Lake City will be fondly remembered for the women’s curling team’s gold medal and bronze medals for Alex Coomber and Alain Baxter.

Although the British team had a forgettable first week, Alex Coomber set the ball rolling when she sled her way to third place in the skeleton, a new event to the Olympics.

In bad weather, she was able to finish the course safely and pick up Britain’s first medal of the Games.

She said: “It’s absolutely fantastic to get the bronze because I had a terrible run,” said the RAF intelligence officer who

had been favourite going into the event.

“The conditions were dreadful and I just had to go for it from the very start.”

Her medal equalled Britain’s one medal at the 1998 games in Japan, but 24 hours later Britain were celebrating their first gold medal since Torvill and Dean’s in Sarajevo in 1984.

After just missing out on the bronze four years ago, the women’s curling team had fought their way past world champions Canada to reach the final against Switzerland.

In a tense final and with the scores locked at 3-3, skipper Rhona Martin held her nerve to lay the last stone perfectly and secure a historic gold medal.

After the victory Martin said; “It wasn’t the easiest shot to play because I couldn’t hit it on the nose.”

“We had to keep it a close game to have a chance and we were always in control.”

Martin, Janice Rankin, Debbie Knox, Fiona

McDonald and sub Maggie Morton now go down as Britain’s sixth ever gold medal winners.

If the team were on a high following the women’s exploits then Alain Baxter’s third position in the men’s slalom was way beyond expectations.

With a position of eighth after the first run Baxter thought that the chance of a medal had gone. He commented: “I came here thinking if I had two perfect runs I could get a medal. After my first run I thought I’d be fourth or fifth.”

However, with the course beginning to cut up on the second run and with Baxter safely down it was his rivals who began to feel the pressure.

And, when second placed Bode Miller made a vital error, the bronze was Baxter’s who added: “I skied the best I could.”

The British team arrived back last week to a hero’s welcome, with curling now placed firmly on the map.

Sparky ignites worthy passion WORTHINGTON CUP FINAL

BLACKBURN ROVERS TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

2 1

Report by Richard Steer

A SECOND half strike from Andy Cole won Blackburn Rovers the Worthington Cup under the roof of the Millennium Stadium.

In a highly entertaining final – the first to be played indoors – Blackburn more than matched their more illustrious opponents.

Rovers deservedly won what was their first major cup final for 74 years.

Wales’ manager Mark Hughes played in midfield in what was his first game in Cardiff’s impressive stadium.

He proved to be an essential ingredient in Rovers’ success – sparking calls for him to tread the Millennium Stadium turf again in a Wales shirt.

However Blackburn started slowly as Hughes and his fellow midfielders struggled to cope with Tottenham’s early advances.

Ferdinand was put through by Anderton and had the freedom of the park as he raced clear from the half way line only to be thwarted by man-of-the-match Friedel as he dallied for far too long.

Blackburn made Spurs pay for this waste.

Matt Jansen – following up David Dunn’s long-range shot – seized on the rebound to slot the ball through Neil Sullivan’s legs on 25 minutes.

But within eight minutes Spurs were level.

Ferdinand made up for his earlier miss by brushing past Henning Berg to pull the ball back for Christian Ziege to equalise.

England hopeful Ledley King was largely responsible for Cole’s winner.

He was dispossessed as the ball bounced awkwardly in the box allowing Cole to pounce with a neat finish across Sullivan.

But quite how Spurs failed to force the game into extra time is a mystery. Ferdinand

missed again when it would have easier to score as Friedel continued to thwart Tottenham.

And in the final minute, Teddy Sheringham went down in the area under Nils-Eric Johansson’s challenge. The Spurs captain looked on in disgust as his howls for a penalty were ignored.

It ended as Andy Cole’s day, and he would have relished scoring the winner against Glenn Hoddle – who snubbed him as England boss claiming that he needed five chances to score a goal.

Rovers’ boss Graeme Souness was full of praise for his £7.5 million signing.

He said “He’s a top man and when he gets a chance he will slit your throat”. He continued: “I played with the best, with Rushie and Dalglish and they never scored every chance they got. The man is class.”

For Tottenham, defeat will be hard to take after the thrashing of Chelsea in the semifinal.

However, Spurs will hope to emulate their 1982 success in the FA Cup Final after they had lost in the League Cup Final.

That year a certain Glenn Hoddle scored the winning FA Cup goal.

POLL AXED: Sheringham’s late penalty claim is turned down by Graham Poll.

Rovers survive and are worthy winners in a captivating final

SWANSEA’S 24 ● Sport

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

Clockwatch by Chris Wathan

KICK-OFF – Sides enter to fireworks and cheerleaders.

1 min – Cardiff offered early chance after Swansea captain Edwards is penalised for holding on. Heywood duly dispatched the penalty. 0-3.

5 min – Attempted clearance by Cox charged down but Swansea fail to capitalise.

7 min – Cardiff caught offside after another charge down. This time Boyd the culprit.

Swansea spurn the three points for a kick to touch.

16 min – Promising Swansea attack nullified by superb Clement wrap tackle on his opposite number.

18 min – Powerful running by Horstmann sets up sublime Swansea back move. McConchie tackle sets up turnover but Cardiff waste possession by being penalised for playing the ball on the floor.

19 min – Swansea again go for touch but Cardiff win opposition throw.

25 min – Another penalty chance for Swansea declined in preference for line-out.

27 min – Clement stops full back Nick Jones in his path after probing run from deep.

31 min – Rare attacking opportunity for Cardiff as Gruff Jones breaks line, setting up period of sustained Cardiff pressure.

32 min – Cardiff go for touch after Swansea offside. Swansea win resulting line-out. Staveley returns clearance and sets up chance for Boyd who runs on the blind side of the ensuing ruck.

33 min – Barker held up on the Swansea line after brilliant pass from Boyd sets up a charge for the prop.

36 min – Swansea prop Williams sin-binned for third successive infringement on the ground.

Heywood misses resulting penalty with the ball sailing wide right of the posts.

39 min – Lucas leaves field with shoulder injury.

Replaced by Snow.

40 min – Excellent break by Sweeney but lack of support saves Cardiff before the break.

HALF TIME – Cardiff win half-time streaking competition 3-2 but Cyril the Swan suffers from the over-exuberance of some of the naked pitch invaders.

41 min – Game restarts with Tom Jones-a-like still crooning on the side of the pitch and a stern warning from referee Clayton Thomas against any further bare-faced cheeks.

43 min – Breaks from Gruff Jones and Boyd snuffed out by strong Swansea defence.

51 min – Dom Gaynor replaces Chris Baxter at fly-half.

53 min – TRY. Brilliant individual effort from Swansea outside half Pete Burrows. Cardiff misjudge wind allowing the No. 10 to chase and catch his own chip and run unopposed beneath the posts. Successfully converted by Nick Jones.

7-3.

57 min – Kick ahead from McConchie forces Jones to carry ball over his own line. Scrum five awarded but Cardiff miss chance.

59 min – TRY. Cardiff infringe at scrum on own 22 and Swansea capitalise from resulting free-kick.

Rees' darting run frees Horstmann to crash beneath posts. Converted by Jones. 14-3.

65 min – Scintillating break by Nick Jones sets up breathtaking Swansea attack, typifying 15 man rugby. Stopped by stern Cardiff defence.

68 min – TRY. Brilliant cross-field pass from scrum-half Rees to Edwards who in turn sets up easy chance for Jones in the right hand corner.

Full back expertly converts his own try. 21- 3.

79 min – Late attack from Cardiff fails to bring consolation score, Cardiff backs isolated in dying stages.

FULL TIME – Edwards lifts varsity trophy whilst Cardiff's valiant troops are clapped off by their supporters.

Exclusive photos from the GR team: Darren Miller, Ellie Jones and Chris Jackson

JOY OF SIX

Sport ● 25

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

their capabilities, Boyd is confident that Cardiff will have their day sooner rather than later.

Speaking after his side’s 21-3 defeat at St Helens, Boyd said “ We’re quite disappointed to be honest, we could have done a lot more. We didn’t help ourselves.”

“But we’ve got some good coaches in and once that settles in and the structure’s in place we’ll get to the level that Swansea play at every week.”

“The majority of our backline will still be here next year so we’re going to keep building.”

Swansea’s level of performance was certainly a notch above Cardiff’s but ultimately the final scoreline reflected the home side’s ability to adapt to conditions better and faster than Cardiff.

The blustery coast wind was on the

VARSITY UW SWANSEA RFC UW CARDIFF RFC

21 3

Chris Wathan at the St Helens CARDIFF CAPTAIN Andrew Boyd refused to be despondent despite failing to end Swansea’s continuing dominance of the Welsh National Varsity.

And although the scrum-half skipper accepted that Cardiff didn’t perform to

backs of the Cardiff team for the first half but the Red & Blacks went into the break with just a slender three-point lead.

And it was proved not enough as Cardiff faced the wind and 21 unanswered points come the change around.

And it could have been worse.

Spurned Swansea spurned four kickable penalty chances in preference for territorial touch-finders, with Swansea captain Steffan Edwards claiming that the decisions were more to do with the uncompromising wind than any disrespect for their opposition.

“I don’t think people realised how strong the wind actually was so we had to run it. We weren’t trying to be arrogant.”

And despite Cardiff ’s ultimate failings, Edwards was complimentary on the fight put up by the underdogs.

“I was a bit concerned in the first half because we were surprised how well Cardiff played.”

It took some thirty minutes before Cardiff offered any sustained pressure on the Swansea line, full back Gruff Jones’ slicing run setting up a good series of phase rugby.

The Camarthen born full-back impressed during the game, looking dangerous whenever running from deep.

Yet time and time again Cardiff backs found themselves up against a welldrilled Swansea defence.

Said Jones, “We threw everything at them but their defence was second to none. We worked and planned hard in training. We tried everything on the pitch but nothing came off.”

When chances came and went for Cardiff, frustration replaced nerves and

attacks lacked any real flow. It was a shame as several players looked like they hadn’t really shown the 2,000 plus crowd everything they had.

But there could be no doubting the commitment shown, with Cardiff man of the match Rhidian Jones exemplifying a no surrender attitude in defence.

Luck But luck just didn’t seem to favour the visitors. John Lucas, with his two second rows, had punished Swansea at vital lineouts but the hooker was forced to leave

proceedings with a shoulder injury.

However, Boyd refused to pass the buck.

“The line-outs worked well but we missed Lucas as he’s a very good player.

I don’t think much went right for us but don’t take anything away from Swansea.”

“I know the boys gave everything and you can’t ask much more than that and the crowd were fantastic. Between the wind and the crowd it was difficult to hear some of the calls but they were brilliant.”

CHIEF RUGBY REPORTER CHRIS WATHAN GIVES HIS VARSITY VERDICT ON THE CARDIFF TEAM 15. Gruff Jones

8

Possible questions to be asked about defence but outstanding attacking option. Looked dangerous with ball in hand.

14. Marc Heywood

7

Took early kick well but wind and tactics meant that didn’t really get enough chances to run at the Jack defence.

13. Adrian Cox

7

Worked hard in defence but didn’t really impose himself in rare Cardiff attacks.

12. Gareth Clement

8

Tackled expertly all game. Two bone-shuddering tackles on through runners sent a message to the whole Jack side.

11.Connor McConchie

7

Surging kick and chase almost brought the score the visiting support so badly wanted.

10. Chris Baxter

7

Perhaps could have kicked tactically better when the wind favoured Cardiff. Nevertheless, always offered good options.

9. Andrew Boyd (Cpt)

7

Suffered from indecision early on but got better as game went on. No coincidence his side rose with him. Inspirational.

1. James McKay

7

An awesome presence around the park. Part of front row that surprisingly shook the Swansea scrum.

2. John Lucas

8

Sorely missed after premature departure. Line-Out throwing particularly impressive in difficult wind.

3. James Barker

7

Unlucky not to score after burrowing run. Solid.

4. Chris Meharg

7

Worked well in tandem with lock forward partner, destroyed Jack line-out ball whenever opportunity arose.

5. Scott Walker

7

Again, punished Swansea every time they opted for touch instead of the three points.

6. Rhidian Jones

9

Deservedly voted Cardiff’s Man of the Match. Showed superb athleticism covering the field, never gave up the chase.

8. Steve Thomas

7

Good ball carrying option. Always looking for the ball, couldn’t fault effort.

7. Dom Staveley

8

Ran and tackled with the enthusiasm of a Varsity debutant. A key figure in this side and it showed.

Sport ● 25

gairrhydd, Monday 4 March 2002

Roberts leads the way NETBALL Rosalind Sack, Gavin Ramjaun and Ben Adam

Cardiff lose on technicality DANCESPORT Nick McDonald According to George Bernard Shaw, dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire, so perhaps it’s unsurprising that it’s so popular with students.

Cardiff ’s dance team proved themselves far from impotent at the Southern Friendly finals on Saturday February 9, missing the top spot on a technicality.

This was the first time Cardiff had hosted this event since 1995, and saw them compete at Talybont against teams from Bath, Bristol, Exeter and Surrey.

UWC distinguished themselves with a second placing, narrowly behind a much larger Bristol society, compared to Cardiff ’s relatively small membership of 200.

The daylong event covered Ballroom and Latin styles before the team competitions, which lasted into the night.

Couples compete at three levels, Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced, in Latin and Ballroom, all of a remarkably high standard.

Cardiff ’s beginners were particularly impressive.

The team match then followed, where A and B teams each perform a different style from Waltz, Cha Cha, Quickstep and Jive.

Despite the high standard, it was a very unpretentious event; reflected in the rule which disallows full competition dress in the interests of fairness to beginners who may not have this.

However, the outfits on the day were still part of the attraction.

Spectators were encouraged to join in at various points for dances even an idiot could understand and yes, they were made to look like idiots.

This was helped along by a fantastically camp compere whose patter recalled Lionel Blair but whose general demeanour suggested student hero, David Dickinson, of TV’s Bargain Hunt fame.

Of course, this is everything you’d hope of a dance competition.

After this highly successful day, Cardiff prepare for the main event in the calendar, the InterVarsity Dance Competition, held in Stoke-on-Trent on 9 March.

This Wednesday saw the end of the 2nds BUSA trophy bid after they suffered an eighteen point loss against Exeter.

The game was disappointing in terms of Cardiff ’s performance and unrepresentative in terms of the scoreline.

However, the 2nds cannot be disappointed with their season that has been aided in the main by a fluid squad who have gelled in every combination and where all players have played a role in their victories.

However, the 1sts sealed their victory in spectacular fashion playing at home against last year’s BUSA champions Bedford.

Despite a fairly bad tempered and physical match, Cardiff managed to once again stamp their authority on the game with

a fantastic 64-20 victory.

Captain Rachel Roberts once again led by example earning man of the match for a spirited performance and mention must also go to Helen Richards who had a fantastic first match back in defence, still recovering from injury.

This win secures their place in the quarter finals of BUSA now set to meet either Leeds Met or Edinburgh at home.

FOOTBALL On a day where all the focus would be on the rugby, men’s 1st XI football braved the elements to record a wellearned victory over a very strong Swansea team.

Cardiff began with some nice interplay and had the best of the early chances.

The deadlock was broken when Myles made an impressive run from left back, skipping easily passed three Swansea players and pulled it back to the edge of the box to Nick Johnson who picked his

Helen Ainsworth On Sunday 17th February, Cardiff University Kickboxing held a thrilling interclub tournament at Talybont Sports Centre.

Around 60 fighters competed for trophies in five different categories depending on experience and ability.

The tournament was a successful chance for members of the club to put into practice techniques learnt over the past year.

Apart from the odd knock, the

centre back and smashed it emphatically into the bottom corner.

Swansea then got a lucky goal when third team warhorse Phil Patel clumsily tried a ball across his own area, which ended up looping over the hapless Ramjaun.

Swansea pulled another goal back but it wasn’t enough and the football team claimed their varsity victory.

BASKETBALL UWC’s men’s basketball team have again seen their dreams of a quarter-final BUSA place shattered.

They were defeated in the last 16 stage for the fourth consecutive year – beaten by a strong Brunel side who finished third in Britain last year.

The result of 71-55 in favour of Brunel left captain Dan Miles with mixed emotions. "Obviously it’s disappointing, but we were the underdogs, and they were scared for a while," he said.

GR SPORT BEGIN A SERIES OF ARTICLES FOCUSING ON SUCCESSFUL AU SOCIETIES

With the university Canoe Club hosting the Training: Mondays and Wednesdays at University of Wales Canoe Polo Splott Swimming Pool and Competition this coming weekend, Gair weekend trips.

Rhydd sport focuses on the activities of the Aims for this year: More river trips, and club and it’s recent achievements. increasing the competence and confidence of current Disciplines: White Water Kayaking, Canoe paddlers.

Polo and Surf Kayaking.

Favourite Rivers: The Usk, The Members: Over 100 Rhondda, the Rhymney, the Titles: Canoe Polo Champions in Nedd Fechan and Mellte (for 2000 and 2001 for the UW those with nerves of steel. polo, with both the Men’s A Surf Spots: Porthcawl, Rest Bay, Ogmore and the Ladies A teams and The Gower. winning. Aiming for the hat Trips Abroard: Yes, under the pseudonym trick this year. of Cardiff Kayakers, the club Competitions:The inter-university slalom in runs an unofficial tour to the December, and year round French Alps to test the raging competing in the Welsh torrents of glacial rivers for Canoe Polo League. Aiming two weeks. for BUSA this year.

For more details contact the AU

Bowles & Cooper excel at Talybont KICKBOXING

spot and nonchalantly rifled the ball into the top corner off the Swansea crossbar.

Soon after, Mike North, being watched by Cardiff City scouts, won the ball in his own half, then after arrogantly beating his marker with some silky skills, sprayed a fifty-yard ball to Niko Algieri’s feet who then ran the remainder of the pitch and placed the ball round the advancing keeper to put Cardiff 2-0 up.

The game then became scrappy as the rain further punished the pitch, but Cardiff furthered their lead with an impressive move. Andy Myles received the ball from Parkinson, turned and threaded a pass through to Algieri. He then crossed the ball to Green who made the keeper parry to Johnson who, under heavy pressure from several defenders, guided the ball into the net.

Swansea then answered Cardiff’s goals when a short corner resulted in Ramjaun being beaten.

Cardiff managed to extend their lead after Algieri cunningly robbed the Swansea

competition went smoothly and proved to be a nail biting display of aggression, control, skill and stamina; all of which had been practised in classes over the past few weeks in preparation.

The first category held was the Women's Junior.

Fighters in this category had attained a red or white belt and in most cases had only been fighting for around half a year.

The competitors had no previous experience of fighting in tournaments yet they showed real capability and strength.

The Men's Junior category followed this and was split into two heights, those under 5'10'' and those 5'10'' and over.

Within the Senior categories fighters had achieved their yellow, orange or green belts.

In the Women's Senior category the final proved to be incredibly close and tense.

The Male Senior category showed some of the best techniques of the tournament with double points being awarded in many fights.

Within each category the winners were as follows: Women's Junior, Charlotte Stranks (1st), Polly Dugmore (2nd) and Hannah Manley (3rd).

Men's Junior under 5'10'', George Batchelor (1st), Nabil Lambert (2nd) and Alex Catmur (3rd). Men's Junior 5'10'' and above, Kevin Bates (1st), Ian Nicholls (2nd) and Tony Hawkins (3rd).

Women's Senior, Nia Cooper (1st), Sian Roberts (2nd) and Claire Reid (3rd).

Men's Senior, Andy Bowles (1st), Steve Tate (2nd) and Chris 'Chuck' Norris (3rd).

UWC KARTING FINISH FOURTH IN SEASON OPENER Jamie Bakehouse CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Motorsports began the 2002 InterUniversity Karting Championship with a fine fourth place at a wet and windy Whilton Mill circuit near Daventry.

In one of the most demanding InterUniversity Championship races on record, Cardiff ’s A team quartet Henry Beaudette, Craig Camilleri, Simon Matthews and Lloyd McGeoch-Williams overcame dreadful conditions and fading light to beat many bigger and better funded universities.

Starting fifth of 32 thanks to a demon late qualifying lap by Camilleri, Cardiff ’s first driver, McGeochWilliams was able to avoid a first corner pile-up that involved more than a dozen karts and move up to second place in the opening minutes of the two-hour race.

Battling with teams from Loughborough, Imperial and Leeds, this four-kart scrap for the lead was one of the highlights of the race with McGeoch-Williams cutting through traffic with ease despite the slippery conditions.

Despite going for a more cautious pit-

strategy than their rivals, Cardiff maintained their top five position throughout the race by virtue of smooth driving, quick pit-work and consistently rapid lap times.

At times others were quicker but with poor visibility the tendency to overdrive was too much for many and the race was punctuated with spins and crashes.

Thankfully, not one of the many bumps and collisions involved a Cardiff A driver as the team kept their machine on the island for the entire race.

Despite trailing eventual winners Loughborough by three laps by the time the chequered flag fell, a swift late race stint from Camilleri enabled Cardiff to hold off late race challenges from pole position team Imperial, arch Welsh rivals Swansea and the strong Birmingham squad.

Cardiff ’s B team, captained by Club President Paul Pulze, didn’t enjoy the same good fortunes and eventually finished 30th after getting caught up in the opening turn melee.

Pulze cast personal disappointment aside when it came to summing up the day, commenting; "Overall it was a good day and when we get a dry race we are ready to move into a higher gear."

Sport Gair Rhydd

VARSITY: Big match picture special PLUS: Cardiff’s AAA Athletics Champ Free Word 715

Monday 4 March 2002

VICTORY: Swansea celebrate their win

Out of reach... ...but Cardiff collect shield

By Chris Wathan

CARDIFF FAILED to break their Varsity duck for the sixth successive year, returning from Swansea on the end of a 21-3 loss.

But some consolation for the estimated 900 Cardiff supporters who made the trip to St Helens was the fact Cardiff were crowned victors of the Sports Shield.

Victories for Netball, Football and Badminton amongst others, were enough for Cardiff to take the prize as well as regaining a sense of pride.

Yet the shield success meant little for the members of the rugby club who gave everything in a gutsy performance at the seaside stadium.

The Red & Blacks were outdone by three Swansea tries, all coming in the second half. Marc Heywood

had given Cardiff the lead in the opening exchanges with a penalty but tries from Pete Burrows, Kai Hortsmann and Nick Jones sentenced Cardiff to their fifth Varsity defeat in six fixtures.

Full back Nick Jones further compounded the misery by successfully converting all three touchdowns. It is the first time that Cardiff have failed to register a try against their West Wales rivals.

But AU President Caz Noyes insisted that the day was a success for the University.

“It’s been a success getting everyone here and the teams have done really well to take the shield.

Hopefully the shield will be expanded and get all the AU teams involved as it shouldn’t be about just rugby. But again, I’m gutted for the boys because I know they gave everything.”

SWANSEA: N Jones, M Jones, Sweeny, Broaders, Shelmerdine, Burroughs, Rees; Williams, Hamilton, Davies, Radbourne, Bereton, Edwards (Capt), Templeman, Horstmann.

TRIES: Baxter, Horstmann, N Jones. CONS: N Jones x3 CARDIFF: G Jones, Heywood, Cox, Clement, McConchie, Baxter, Boyd (Capt); McKay, Lucas, Barker, Walker, Meharg, R Jones, Staveley, Thomas.

PENS: Heywood.

INSIDE: GR DOUBLE PAGE SPECIAL

FROM THE PAPER THAT BEAT THE SUN TO AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH CRAIG BELLAMY GR ON MONDAY

Friday’s SUN

BUSA RESULTS CHECK

BadmintonII

4-5

Bristol

BadmintonW

8-1

UCL

Basketball M 55-71 FencingW

a-a

Brunel UCL

Hockey MI

1-6

Exeter

Hockey MII

0-3

Exeter

Netball I

64-20

De Montford

Netball II

20-38

Exeter

Squash M I

a-a

UWIC

Squash WI

a-a

Liverpool

Tennis W

1-5

Bath

Tennis M

1-5

Exeter

Volleyball W

0-3

Birmingham

WAFC I

0-12

Bath

WRU

a-a

Bristol

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST COUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ STOP READING THIS BUSY ■ “PASS ME ANOTHER GLASS, I’VE ALMOST FILLED MINE” ■ BORN IS THE QUEEN OF PARK PLACE ■ McGARRY IS A LEGEND ■ SPIKE, RIP