Quench Issue 12 - 17 May 2004

o l d e n G r a h a m

E x - B l u r

g u i t a r i s t G r a h a m

C o x o n c h a t s

a b o u t s h o e s ,

s o n g w r i t i n g

a n d h i s n ew a l b u m

Executive editor TristanThomas

Quench editor James Anthony

Arts Lizzie Brown,Rachel Pegum Blind Date Kerry-Lynne Doyle Books Maria Thomas Columnists Riath Al-Samarrai,DCGates Debate Jess Webb Digital Gareth Lloyd,Simeon Rosser-Trokas Fashion Caroline Ellis,Perri Lewis

Features Vicky Corbett,Rhys James Film Mat Croft Food Mari Ropstad Gay Ian Loynd Going Out Katy Davies,Jenny Duxbury,Lisa Walkley Interviews Will Dean,Louis Grover,Rob Plastow Music Anthony Lloyd One Trick Pony Alex ‘Wrong Hole’ Macpherson Photography Gemma Griffiths,Anastasia Nylund Travel Tim Clark,Laura Tovey

Contributors Hywel Bransh,Sian Rees,Hannah Perry,Lucian Reed-Drake,Rob telford, Debbie green,Dave Jennings,John Widdop,Andy Parsons,Charlie Jenkins,Sam Coare, Craig Driver,Natalie Southall,Greg Cochrane,Chewie,David Ford,Tim Alban,Gareth Thomas,Alan Woolley,Katy Davies,David Adams,Hannah Langfield, Assistant to the editor Elaine Morgan Cover design Mat Croft

Lex’s Jim’s Law

lex,your ‘normal’ deputy editor and I have swapped places this week. I want to make this clear ASAP,so people don’t ask me why One Trick Pony has been written by someone batting from the pavilion end. I’m here,Alex is there. Sorted? This is a taster of things to come,as I’ll be captain of the good ship Quench next year,and I intend to see it straight and true (no pun intended),through the stormy seas of the 2004/5 semester.

This was not a good week for Michael Moore. Disney,the parent company behind Miramax,have put distribution on his forthcoming project, Fahrenheit 9/11,on hiatus. The official line is that the film doesn’t fit Disney’s remit of producing cuddly,family films (a crock of shit,as Disney/Miramax also distributes Kill Bill). Another reason,is that the film links Bush to the Bin Ladens,and this claim may endanger the massive tax cuts that enable Disney to control free speech,in the Land of ‘Freedom’: where everyone is free,but dumb.

This sorry mess in Iraq gets worse by the day – the word ‘Terrorism’ is now so over-used, that it has become an umbrella term to give politicians and big business carte blanche to infringe on our civil liberties.

Without trust,how can we make the right decision come Election Day? And this country wants to reduce our voting age to 16! I didn’t have a clue what the major political parties stood for when I was 21,let alone 16. But 16 yearolds are a lot less cynical,and a lot more trusting,aren’t they?

One Trick Pony

CAmber Duval Amber Duval

Sex laws for the jilted generation Sex laws for the jilted generation

Frottage: n,the act of rubbing against the body of another person,as in a crowd,to attain sexual gratification.

ardiff is a small city. I mean, you can go to a bar and see at least a few people you know. If you go to a club,expect your whole course. And if you dared to embark on a romantic dinner with the newest victim,then don’t be surprised if you see your housemates, coursemates,and flatmates from aeons ago – and all of their parents.

It isn’t only sod’s law: it’s a question of logistics. It’s impossible to remain completely anonymous as you saunter down Park Place,shimmy in the Welsh Club or shop in H&M. So it’s only a matter of time before you confront someone you really don’t want to see. And I often find that the worst of these offenders are previous one-night stands.

We all know the road feeling. It is, perhaps,the very worst of all chance

encounters. It’s the one where you’re walking/running to your lecture,looking like shit and sweating like you’ve just been released from theKuma Satra postion #179,and you spy him, just there,at the top of Woodville Road. Gah! you think. Gah! Again, because you’ve just realised the enormity of the situation. But I… Oh my god,we did a sixty-niner then we did it doggy style and I fanny farted,you perhaps may think.

Whatever,your remembrances will not fill you with red-hot passion; instead,you’ll go cold as you focus solely on the embarrassing things from that fateful night. What do you do now? Run into the Spar,pretend to talk on your phone or sod your lecture and simply run home? Relax,relax! I know that you’ll believe me when I tell you that this has happened to me

Sensitive straight boys

You know the sort. The type who goes mental when his ex gets a new man,and whines endlessly about it to people who really,when it comes down to it,couldn’t care less. He’ll probably be into equally drippy indie-boy music, which shows how much he feels,man. Of course,his is the sort of myopia which mistakes self-obsession for sensitivity; he doesn’t realise that all this posed,middle-class angst and dreary moping just makes him seem pathetic and fundamentally uninteresting. For God’s sake,man,put a tampon on it.

School reunions

So,last week I got my first invite to a school reunion. Naturellement,it went straight in the bin; who,Ibriefly wondered,were these sad saps with nothing to do but organise these accursed events?And why did they think that the task of tracking down anyone I might want to talk to from my school days was beyond me? I’ve always found the idea of making an effort to stay in touch with people from those days very odd,in any case. There’s something rather pathetic about people who aren’t able to grow beyond what they were at school - and make no mistake,those are the people who’ll all be at the reunion,desperately hankering after gossip about people who’ve forgotten that they exist.

The Week According to OTP:

Buy Britney

Her forthcoming single sounds like Tori Amos-gone-microhouse. The video features Stephen Dorff with his top off. Marvellous.

more than a fair few times. And I’ve learnt that there are only two ways to deal with the road feeling when faced with a previous shag.

1) Smile all the way to the meeting point,look right into his eyes,and as you walk past,wink. Your stomach may burn with humiliation: you ‘accidentally’ used your teeth during that blow job. But hey,he’ll probably think you’re one sexy miss with that wink. (If he doesn’t remember you,he’ll just think you’re mad,which is fine). Or try the other option:

2) Just say hello as you walk past. Simple! Just swallow your embarrassment. You never know – he might realise what he’s missing and follow you into your lecture for a bit of impromptu frottage…

Belle de Jour

It started off life as an overrated piece of hack work; the backlash was inevitable. The online diary of a high-class call-girl who ended up with a six-figure publishing deal and much speculation regarding her ‘real’ identity (established author? Real-life whore?Who cares?),early entries were stylish and readable enough,but suffered from overuse of cliché and tendencies towards Bridget Jones territory. Now that the fuss has died down,Belle’s writing has gotten wittier,more natural and,crucially,more human. Maybe the whole thing is a craft literary ploy. belledejour-uk.blogspot.com

Roman Abramovich

No,I don’t mean underrated as a football manager (or whatever his job really is). Where Abramovich is really underrated is his potential to be a sex symbol. He has pretty much everything one could ask for:he’s Russian (really,nothing more needs to be said; if a boy can talk to me in Russian, he’s automatically in there); he has gorgeous,piercing eyes, teddy bear cheeks,and the cutest smile ever; Iassume that his sporty job means a toned body (please do not disillusion me should this not be the case); last but not least,he has pots and pots of money. Oh,and of course that most effective of aphrodisiacs:power. He also has a wife (lucky bitch), but she is surely just a temporary obstacle.

This is hardcore. Ho-rap is a longestablished genre,starlets such as Lil’ Kim and Foxy Brown cheerfully inverting the cartoon thuggishness of their male counterparts,but Trina - Miami’s self-styled ‘baddest bitch’ - simply takes it to another level.

Forthcoming single Leaving You (Big Ol’Dick) has been making pre-release waves since it began to circulate in January; unsurprising,given that it essentially consists of Trina listing every big male hip-hop name around,and calling them out according to,well,how big they are.

Compared to previous efforts, though,this is child’s play. On 2002’s Hustlin’,she outlines her seduction technique:“Open up the door,walk straight in the house/Put your man down,and put my cock in his mouth,” she sneers, subverting gender roles and hip-hop machismo in one threatening couplet.

Her masterpiece BRRight - listening to its swooning strings is akin to stumbling upon a crack den in 1920s Warsaw - climaxes with an astonishing,foulmouthed monologue filled with braggadocio and sheer power. Ionce left this CD paused in my mother’s study by mistake; when she unpaused it,Iheard her scream of horror from the garden.

A former stripper whose background, less excitingly,also includes a real estate license - the strip joint job was initially a dare,before she became addicted to the vast sums of money she earned - Trina’s position two albums into her career is enviable. Her unerring production instincts and hard-edged rhyming skills have attracted the likes of Missy Elliott,Kanye West and Ludacris to guest spots; the release of her third LP The Glamorous Life in July should raise her profile even further.

www.trina-online.com

( T o s s e r )

What’s funnier than an aging nu-metal buffoon jumping around in shorts for the kidz? Answer:said aging nu-metal buffoon writing an internet diary about the depths of his existential angst. Yep, Fred Durst has jumped on the blogging bandwagon,and it’s the most hilarious thing you’ll read this year.

It’s called American Alien - because our Fred’s American,y’know,but also so other,yeah? Because he’s such an outsider from,like, society and shit? Durst’s entries are verbose,to put it mildly,often running for over 600 words at a time. Ploughing through them to extract his pearls of wisdom can therefore be an arduous task,but it’s ultimately worth it.

Much of American Alien details Fred’s

sadness. Even when he's happy,he's sad. And when he's sad,he's even more sad inside. Inside the inner sadness, he's sadder than you could possibly imagine. Or as he puts it:“i went to tuck my son into bed at his house tonight and i felt so sad. for some reason i love him so much that i get really sad. it is very weird.”

Unfortunately,there’s nothing about Britney there yet,but when you get gems such as “at night i lye [sic] wide awake in my bed and think about how great it would be to be asleep so i could wake up to a new day... it could be really hard to understand that if you don't already”, who’s complaining?

www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user= americanalien

“...i get really sad. it is very weird...”

"If a woman answers no to the question ‘Are you a feminist?’,she should immediately be stripped of her voting rights,her right to institute divorce,her legal protection from domestic violence and marital rape - oh,and her pay should be cut to 19% less than that of her male colleagues.Then she could lead the carefree,non-ball-breaking life she so desires." – Julie Burchill

final thoughts

( . . . )

T P 5

“if she's too scared to come on the court and play against me,hey, she must know me.I do think I can kick her ass off.I'm saying that,I will kick her ass off.”

-- 14-year-old Bulgarian tennis prodigy Sesil Karatancheva on 16year-old Russian rival Maria Sharapova ( L e g e n d )

Diamond Princess: Trina

American Alien: FredDurst

Are his words like poetry or would you rather listen to Peter Andre? It’s up to you..

Hywel Bransh

FOR Sian Rees AGAINST Shakespeare

Can anyone with an ounce of intelligence,coupled with the ability to read,possibly criticise Shakespeare? The answer is a resounding no! Those sceptics amongst you just haven’t taken the time to understand and appreciate this type of literature that has managed to remain popular for centuries. I hate to break this to the non-believer,but just because he didn’t appear on some crap reality TV show doesn’t mean that Shakespeare should be ignored.

What is there to dislike? Works such as Hamlet, Othello and Romeo and Juliet have it all... sex,violence and plenty of intrigue. The man managed to cover every genre going - something must entice you! It’s seriously worrying that although the entire population are blissfully unaware of his writings,they seem to know the words to Peter Andre’s Insania; Janine Butcher is about to go down,and that Becks had an affair with a Spanish slapper. Those that fall into this category are probably now, as you’re reading this article,booking their badge collection onto e-bay or signing up for the Status Quo fan club. Need I say any more!

Don’t get me wrong,I’m not for one minute suggesting that you get your pipe and slippers and whip out your Complete Works of Shakespeare. If extensive reading isn’t your thing (come on,even us English Literatire students would much rather watch the TV adaptation than read the book) then try appreciating the numerous Kenneth Branagh films or even head for those alien places often called… theatres. It won’t kill you,and I guarantee that it’s better than staying in and watching some contrived American rubbish whilst microwaving up last night’s kebab!

He gets ripped into by illiterate maths students, medics or those people that sit in front of computers all day - yes,the geeks! What do these people know about entertainment? They get excited by Star Trek conventions,calculators and Internet chat rooms! Go on,give Shakespeare a go (or at least watch one of the films). If you still aren’t convinced then go back to a state of darkness and ignorance!

We are in the dawn of the new Millennium,its 2004,yet still the pseudo-academics harp on and on about ‘Shakespeare’. Why for Gods sake? What relevance does his work have on today’s youngsters? The GCSE English syllabus still has a good old-fashioned Shakespeare play written into the reading list for 14 to 16 year olds. What the UK needs today are scientists,mathematicians and engineers.

During the last week or so,all the ‘Reviews’ in the newspapers have criticised or glorified Trevor Nunn’s ‘new adaptation’ of Hamlet at the Old Vic. Who cares? Do you see busloads of the blue rinse brigade or teenagers cueing up for tickets for Trevor’s adaptation? I think not. They are more likely to spend their hard earned cash on a trip to the West End to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or The Lion King. The audiences for Trevor’s Hamlet are the pretentious rich prats who attend a Shakespeare play for the same reason that they join the local golf club or subscribe to Yachting Monthly.

Another fallacy is that Shakespeare was the inventor of hundreds of new words used commonly today in the English Language. Our language is an evolving one,there are new words and phrases added weekly by kids hanging around bus shelters in all the housing estates throughout the UK,these are not the basis of serious ‘study’ and investigation by academics on the payroll of Universities. Has anyone ever sat through one of The Bard’s Comedies? They are as contrived as Dads Army and as funny as a hot pin in the eye. The Tragedies? The only tragedy is that idiots pay good money to see them.

Shakespeare has little or no relevance to the youth of today. Whether we like it or not education must move on. Little urchins who shoot heroin,steal cars and burgle houses would be better taught social skills,welding,painting anything other than the compulsory plays set out by the education hierarchy. His plays,sonnets and poetry have no entertainent or eduational value! Give people the choice – take it or leave it. More science... not 16th Century crap.

Mercury rising

Will Dean talks to Mercury Prize nominated Scouse songstress KATHRYN WILLIAMS

Kathryn Williams rose to fame on the back of a Mercury Music nomination for 2000’s beautiful Little Black Numbers. She hopes to repeat the success of her last two albums with a collection of cover versions,a new double-LP and 3-piece tour. Quench dropped in to chat about her new work,being drunk at the Mercury Awards and most importantly,dogs.

During her own time at university Kathryn indulged in the typical student activities,"dancing,drinking and other things I won’t talk about". As she studied art,the singer spent a lot of time in the studio,"so,there wasn’t a lot of This Morning". Well Quench certainly wouldn’t know anything about that (cough).

Anyway,down to business. Next month Kathryn tours the UK with a small band. Rather than visit the usual big cities,the band will stop at towns as diverse as Burnley,Southport and Swindon. As to why anyone would want to go to Swindon,Kathryn warmly states "Yeah we’re doing loads of gigs in small places,me,my guitarist and cellist. We thought it would be nice to play to places where there aren’t regular tours. It’s more human,and anyway, they’ll probably think you’re great even if you’re shit.". This self-deprecating wit is typical of the artist who admits to walking around on the night of her much-vaunted Mercury nomination introducing herself drunkenly to the other artists by shouting "Hi,I’m on the list too!"

Interviews rarely go past without the Mercury nomination being mentioned. How did she feel not to have won? "Well I wasn’t bothered about the supposed ‘Mercury curse’; I just wanted the cash to be honest. But as I was pretty drunk I was telling people on the night that I didn’t want to win. Just to prevent embarrassing myself".

On May 17th Kathryn releases a new album of cover versions entitled Relations. Not intended as a ‘proper’ album (a planned double-LP will be

released later in the year) it features covers as diverse as Leonard Cohen’s haunting Hallelujah and Kurt Cobain’s epitaph, All Apologies. Have artists such as Cohen inspired her songwriting? "Well if you like music like mine,Leonard Cohen is the master. He’s the benchmark to see how good your own work is. I loved Nirvana too when I was younger, it does feel weird covering them though, you feel that the music is untouchable, the same with (another favourite) Nick Drake. But,I suppose classical music is all covers of dead people,I mean every-

“It’s good playing small towns, they’ll cheer even if you’re shit”

one’s gonna die one day". When asked about which artist she would like to collaborate with,of those covered on Relations,the songstress is duly apprehensive. "It’s mad meeting your heroes and people you admire,because you always get disappointed by the fact that they are just normal people. Saying that, I’m really excited to be playing at Fleadh, ‘cos Bob Dylan’s playing on the same

day,so I can see myself getting butterflies in my stomach. It’s probably just better to keep them on record. When you love music,you have a relationship with the artist,but they have no idea who you are so it’s probably better not to meet them. (laughs) I feel like that because when I was younger I wrote a letter to Leonard Cohen,telling him how much I loved him. He didn’t reply though. Probably a good thing."

Upon reading Kathryn’s bio on her website you will find that she is a huge animal fan (creatures rather than the drummer from The Muppet Show).

Having spent most of her time at university painting dogs,and including them on the cover to Little Black Numbers’,Quench delved deep to ask the all important question,‘Cats or dogs?’ "Oh I can’t answer that! I’d love to have a dog but I got a cat with my husband so I can’t unfortunately" A buy one get one free deal perhaps? Quench then proceeds to offer his own dog,as it keeps eating the post.

Kathryn Williams releases Relations, May 17th and plays the Pop Factory in Porth on May 21st.Tickets £12.50 adv. www.kathrynwilliams.net

Body politics

Some vitamins may become illegal under new legislation recently passed in Europe.

Hannah Perry takes a look at what we could be missing

Many students take some form of vitamin or mineral supplement. This is vital to ensure that they keep their health up whilst living on a budget diet of beans on toast. Now imagine if your right to enjoy those chewable vitamin C tablets was suddenly taken away from you. Or if all supplements stopped being available in the shops. By august 2005,this may become a reality.

The European parliament has recently passed legislation to either ban or lower the recognized safety levels of all vitamins and minerals. This may sound harmless,even sensible,yet it will mean that roughly 300 nutrients will no longer be available,and about 5000 products will become illegal.

The reasoning behind this move is that current levels of nutrients in our supplements don’t take into account what we already get in our diets. Basically,spinach + iron supplement = nutrient overload (I bet no one told Popeye). Also,the body who has set the new levels, Codex Alimentarius (CA),aims to standardize supplementation on a global scale. So you can sleep safe in the knowledge that your tablets have the same amount of vitamin C as those of someone in Peru.

The one flaw in this master plan is

that they have totally failed to see the reason why people choose to supplement their diets in the first place. Wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume that you would ‘supplement’ your diet when you are not getting enough of one or more nutrients. If you were worried that by taking supplements you would be ingesting dangerously high levels of something you would just stop taking the pills. Simple.

the average diet is becoming more processed and less nutritious. Then there are the people who take supplements for specific medicinal purposes. Many conditions can be radically improved,without having to take potentially dangerous drugs,just by ensuring that you maintain the right nutritional balance. Heart disease,cancer,non-insulindependent diabetes,myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME - also known as chronic fatigue syndrome),osteoporosis, depression,eczema,cataracts and symptoms of the menopause are just a few of the conditions which can be effectively prevented or treated by diet and correct nutrition.

Take cancer for example. Patients who are uneasy about the side-effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy,and choose to follow an alternative route,frequently turn to a system called the Gerson therapy. Named after the doctor who developed it,it has an astoundingly high success rate. It replaces solid food with fresh fruit and vegetable juices (much easier to digest,with high nutrient contents) and also uses certain vitamin and mineral supplements. While there have not been any government-recognized studies into this treatment the circumstantial evidence is hard to ignore; during research,I found examples of people who made full recoveries,having been told by their consultants that they had only months to live.

If the ban goes ahead the rights of these people to take their health into their own hands will be taken away. Whatever your own personal opinions of alternative therapies,we live in a free country and everyone should have the right to choose. They help thousands of people and hurt few; certainly they don’t have anything like the adverse side-effects of conventional medicine.

It is also important to realise that everyone benefits,whether directly or indirectly,from alternative therapies. If people are made less able to stay in good health on their own it will only put more pressure on the (already strained to breaking point) NHS. The shortage of beds will get worse and waiting lists

will get longer. In America,1.5m people per year are admitted to hospital because of the side effects of prescription drugs. In this country one fifth of inpatients are in hospital for the same reason. This coupled with the fact that new diseases are constantly being discovered and bacteria are more resistant than ever to antibiotics,means that the effects of this directive could be disastrous.

So dietary supplements play a big role in the health care of this country. It should also be noted that as time goes on,they are becoming more and more important. A recent study has found that,as a result of intensive farming methods,the levels of vitamins and minerals in fruit and vegetables are rapidly declining.

The amounts of minerals were tested in 64 fruits and vegetables and compared with those of 60 years ago. Iron and zinc levels are now one quarter lower and copper is down a whopping 76%. These findings are similar to information published by the British Food Journal and the Food Standards Agency. In Britain a quarter of men and a third of women are bordering on anemia because they are not sufficient iron from their diets.

The directive will create a list of nutrients that are deemed ‘safe’,with specific limits on dosages. Anything that is not on the list will be made illegal as soon as the laws come into effect. It would be reasonable to assume that the decisions of what is and is not on the list have been thoroughly researched and thought through. Unfortunately,this is not the

case. As Rose Shepherd reported in The Observer,two synthetic forms of the mineral selenium are on the list, yet two organic forms,one of which is present in Brazil nuts,are not,even though,being the natural forms of the mineral,they are far more bioavailable (i.e. more easily used by the human body). Natural forms of vitamin E like wheatgerm oil,and a trace element, boron,widely used for treating symptoms of the menopause,have been left off the list. Whilst these are unlikely to cause harm to anyone (it’s not like we have to be constantly on ‘wheatgerm watch’),sodium hydroxide is harmful. And yes,it’s on the list. Even though its safety advice says ‘if swallowed drink plenty of water and call for immediate medical help’.

Apart from its impact on our health, the worst effects of the directive will be on small companies who have built their reputations by making reliable, high quality supplements. They will not be able to afford the expensive testing that will be necessary simply to sell exactly the same product they provide at the moment. Also,the time they will have to spend reformulating current products will mean that they will not be able to develop any new ones.

The directive also means that any testing of supplements will not be able to be done with humans. This will lead to a huge rise in animal testing. Just to find out that what we already know is safe is actually safe.

Two more pieces of legislation are already planned. The first will mean that any medicinal herb which has not

been commonly used in Europe for at least the last 15 years,and 30 worldwide,will be banned. The second will place a new definition on the term ‘drug’. This will mean that remedies such as homeopathy and flower remedies,which have absolutely no side effects or safe dosage limits,will be subject to the same controls as the type of medication you would be prescribed by your GP . Since the companies which manufacture these products will not be able to afford the tests necessary they will go out of business. As a result the products will no longer be available.

All of this raises one big,fat question. WHY? Why does the European Union think that we need these laws? Why doesn’t the European Union have anything better to do with their time? Why did our government vote to approve them? Why were five members of the government’s committee, responsible for voting on whether or not the directive would take effect in this country,replaced the day before the vote took place? Why is the individual’s right to decide what harmless substances they use to keep themselves healthy being taken away?

The Alliance for Natural Health (ANH) has launched a legal challenge to the directive. The Executive Director of the ANH,Dr Rob Verkerk calls it an ‘intrusive and unwanted EU ban which we aim to demonstrate has been passed unlawfully from the EU into UK law’. They have succeeded in getting permission for Judicial Review and the appeal has been referred to the European Court of Justice. The ANH has set up a charity to fund the appeal. They are also urging people to write to their MPs and MEPs.

Use www.faxyourmp.com and write to the national press to urge them to give the story more coverage.

There is a huge range of food supplements to choose from

Bangkok

It is one of the key stopovers on any gap year trip, So Quench sees what all of the fuss is about.

Lucian Reed-Drake talks túk túks, reclining Buddhas and ladyboys in Thailand’s capital

My first impressions of the city of Bangkok were unpromising to say the least. I was greeted by a dirty,grimy sewer city smell with intense humidity and fuming traffic; most unwelcome after the gruelling 12-hour flight I had just endured. Although,as I passed the steamy metropolis of Thailand’s capital,I discovered a city which is also known as Krung Thep (The City of Angels),a place vibrant of historical beauty, diverse culture and unforgettable nightlife.

After my long journey to get there,I clambered on an airport bus to the Siam Square district where you find a long list of inexpensive and comfortable hotels. Bangkok seems daunting at first - unreadable Thai language, pollution masked commuters and impressive skyscrapers reigning over unsanitary poverty.

When you arrive,make sure you relax in a plush hotel for the first night and try some of the best Thai food Bangkok has to offer. Bangkok boasts of over 50,000 restaurants catering for all tastes. Thai cuisine is reputedly the best in the world, including delicious treats such as pad

Thai noodles and spicy panang curry.

The following day,book yourself a ticket on the Chao Phraya River cruise. You can ride a Thai long-tail boat for excellent value,and you’re provided with an open-ticket tour around Bangkok’s famous canals, overlooking many historic sights including temples such as the postcard Wat Arun and the Royal Barge Museum. There is also an opportunity to explore Bangkok’s waterways in the Damnoen Saduak floating market with its colourful criss-cross boat community. Here Thai women paddle the water highway,donning widebrimmed straw hats selling anything from exotic fruits to elegantly carved ornamental Buddhas.

The other most useful method of public transportation in the city is the Bangkok Transit System (BTS) or ‘Skytrain’,which connects many of the main downtown areas. Skytrains are fantastic architectural feats elevated high above the frantic traffic. They give you a chance to see spectacular vistas of the city for as little as 10-40 Baht (80p).

The best place to stay in Bangkok is often considered to be the distinguished strip known as Khao San Road. As featured in The Beach,here lies row upon row of budget guesthouses,bars and clubs and tourist

markets (minus the snake blood and dodgy,bleeding Scotsman). Stop off the river taxi at the Bamlamphu pier and you can find a place to lay your head for the night for a mere 100 Baht (£1.50!). Internet access,ATMs, beachwear,and food both local and continental are all provided for an excellent stock up before you venture the rest of Thailand. The atmosphere here is very much a young backpacker traveller’s haven where you are surrounded by fellow travellers,which is handy at providing tips for the rest of your trip.

For those culture vultures out there,it is somewhat compulsory to visit the breathtaking ornate temples and palaces Bangkok has to offer. I hugely recommend Bangkok’s number one attraction,The Grand Palace, which contains the essence of Thai religion and tradition including the stunning Emerald Buddha dating back to the 14th century.

Neighbouring Wat Po Temple also houses the world’s largest reclining Buddha which is over 200 feet long, and traditional and extremely relaxing Thai massages are readily available at the massage school.

Furthermore,you can get some fantastic photos in the gardens outside the palace whilst families have picnics and fly colourful kites in the joyous atmosphere with the quite incredible palace backdrop. The other must-see is the National Museum,off Na Phrathat Road close to the Grand Palace, with another dazzling array of native art and artefacts.

From the tranquillity and relaxation of the temples comes the frenetic energy that is Bangkok’s nightlife. Thai peoples’ unmistakable search for khwaam sanúk (fun) is highlighted throughout the city’s number of wild night spots. One of the most memorable sights and sounds of Bangkok has to be the district known as Patpong. A short taxi ride will take you to a lively strip of go-go bars and extraordinary exotic shows that made Bangkok somewhat infamous. Be warned though,there’s a high percentage of ladyboys living (and working) in Bangkok - a few too many local Chang beers and you might be mistaken! Tell tale signs my friends and I looked out for,were the presence of an adam’s apple,broad shoulders and a deep voice greeting the dozens of intoxicated Westerners!

Aside from the sleazy,smelly and squalid prescribed images of Bangkok,there emerges a captivating city with a uniquely cultivating experience. Bangkok is best viewed in about 3 to 4 days. It offers a crazy mix of ancient temples and divine religion,shantytowns to urbanised office blocks,túk túks to Skytrains. From backpackers galore,to hilarious ladyboys roaming all over,Bangkok has been designed as such an exciting city that you’ll certainly never forget!

Top 5 things to do in Bangkok

1. Visit the Grand Palace – Top of the picks of ‘must-sees’ in the city, simply astounding.

2. Khao San Road – Thailand’s hub of backpacker travellers,where hundreds pilgrimage to stock up on cheap Thai shawls,fisherman pants,cameras and Gameboys.

3. Patpong’s go-go bars – It will be a permanent stain on my mind seeing a Thai woman sprout razors and ping-pong balls from her private parts to the delight of 12 or so clapping bald-headed Germans. Unforgettable,but try it at your peril.

4. Chrao Praya River cruise and the Floating Markets – The best and most scenic way of exploring the other side of Thai river life.

5. Thai Boxing – Head to the Ratchadamnoen Boxing Stadium on a Monday evening to watch a highly toned Thai kicking the ass out of a pissed up over-confident British yobbo. Brilliant.

Top 5 things to be aware of.

1. Túk Túks – unless you enjoy a bumpy,smoke-infested overpriced trip via the petrol station and the local massage parlour,I advise you to wait until the islands to try these mini-taxis.

2. Patpong after around 2am – Be careful of the ‘local talent’ later on at night,plying you to come and ‘have a drink’ in those bars. Beer goggles might be the last of your worries when you’re pulled over by a ‘lady’ with particularly strong arms!

3. Be wary of local customs – You will be turned away by a stern looking Thai guard in palaces or temples if you are brandishing your tanned legs in shorts or pointing or even touching someone’s head.

4. Extended market prices – Like almost any market abroad,always haggle down to least half the price they ask for,essential for those fake Ralph Lauren t-shirts,copy DVDs and Rolex watches.

5. Red Bull and Samsong whiskey – Red Bull is sold in small glass bottles with indescribable instructions,but believe me they are not your standard energy boost,with a small percentage of amphetamines contained in them! Watch out also for the amazingly cheap and amazingly strong Thai Samsong whiskey ‘buckets’ sold at only 180 Baht (£3) a pop,definitely a painful hangover in the morning!

P.S.

Most importantly, dont get arrested. Thai law is a lot different from the UK,especially if you’re caught with drugs. They can and will lock you up.

Finally,how to get there. As it’s a stopping point between Australia, New Zealand and the rest of the world there are loads of flights from most major airlines. For an alternative however try going by overnight train from Singapore up the east coast. Not only will you find that you go through some of the best virgin rainforest that south east Asia has to offer but you’ll also be able to sleep off the jet-lag in comfort before the temptations of Khao San Road leave you dribbling.

TURNING OVER THE PAGE WON’T MAKE THE UNION CHANGE ITS NIGHTCLUB MUSIC POLICY

The Students’ Union is yours – is it delivering? Plans are already underway for next year within the Students’ Union. So,we need to know what you want to see in your Union next year. Have you nowhere to go on a Thursday? Should the Union open then? If so what do want – r ‘n’ b,metal,80’s? If we don’t know,we can’t deliver,so help us out by dropping us a comment. Should there be

more one off events,maybe Jazz in Seren Las? More comedy nights? A Quiz twice a week? These are just a few ideas,hopefully you have a great deal more Either log on to www.cardiffstudents.com and click on what’s on to post your ideas on the messageboard,or e-mail the Commercial Services Officer directly at Rabjohnsm@cf.ac.uk.

And they were to declare...

The ‘Diff is cool

They gush over Japanese-style anything, rave about the latest offerings from California/ L.A.and just love retro trainers.Last month they ‘discovered’ Drooghi,one of Cardiff’s arcade stores.So apparently - Cardiff must be cool.Do The Face still know what the hell they’re on about or do we really have some of the best shops on earth on our doorstep?

By Perri Lewis,Fashion Editor

Do everything they say and they promise to make you super cool. Wear these trainers,listen to this music, worship these people,copy this style and you can be just like them. Flick through the pages of The Face and you too can discover what they think is so super cool at the moment. Just one little hitch though; no one thinks The Face is super cool anymore. In fact,they are so behind the times that even Topshop raved about model Lily Cole before they did The Face prints its last edition sometime this summer after a long reign at the top. Even their loyal readers have had enough of being told what’s in too late. However,although their brand of super cool may be dead,it doesn’t mean that what they say doesn’t count anymore. They were right to give Cardiff a mention in their ‘Fashion Hype’ section because so many of our shops do rock and behind the veil of highstreet chains, there is a whole load more exciting shops just waiting to be discovered. With the end of term drawing closer it’s the perfect opportunity to take a gander at all the shops you’ve missed out on this year. If you haven’t already,take a venture into Cardiff’s arcades; they can generally be found just off St. Mary Street,High Street, Duke Street and St. Johns Street. They boast so many great independent stores that it’s worth walking that

little bit further for.

Fashion desk took a look at Drooghi, the shop The Face describes as “a neat fashion tonic to banish ovineshagging stereotypes.” It’s one of those places so many people bypass because they don’t think they’re cool enough to go in. But we took the plunge on behalf of Quench readers and found that it was really worth it. Drooghi claims to stock one of the biggest ranges of streetwear in Castle arcade and we saw why: it’s definitely one of the best places for men to go for urban-style clothes in Cardiff. The shop even sells t-shirts from it’s own label, Rather Not Say,making it a great place to get really original pieces from.

Of course it would be completely crazy to suggest that Drooghi is the

only great shop in Cardiff - it has so many stores that The Face could have written about. A great example is Drop Dead Budgie,situated above an antiques store just off St. Mary Street. It is a completely wonderful place where you can pick up good quality vintage items at a very reasonable price. The owners also design and create their own clothes and accessories,making it a perfect shop to pick up a really unique outfit.

Fashion desk agree with The Face this time. They may not be at the top of their tree anymore,but they were certainly right when they made Drooghi one of their favourite stores. We just think it’s a shame they didn’t feature more of the fantastic shops Cardiff can offer.

Cardiff:it’s super cool.Just what these guys are thinking no doubt

A couple more gems

Cardiff arcades may be able to boast some real gems,but when it comes to jewellery, Hannah Perry knows where it’s at.

It is about this time of year that we start to remember what summer and wearing a little bit less feels like. As we shed layers of jumpers and thermal underwear,there is often a subtle shift in our attitudes towards fashion. Black may have done us proud all through winter but it starts to feel a little oppressive in the sunshine.

Bags may have been large,clumsy things during winter,but now they turn into thin summery beach bags (‘Come on weather! Follow suit’). Similarly, the jewellery we choose

to adorn ourselves can sometimes seem heavy and unnecessary in the warmer months. The answer can often be to swap large amounts of metal and plastic for semi-precious

Gemstones don’t have to be expensive. You can easily find affordable pendants and rings in many jewellery and gift shops. Last summer there was a widespread craze for turquoise pieces but this year I suggest you go for something a bit more individual and personal.

Which stone is for you?

Amber is fossilised resin and can look beautiful against tanned skin. Great to wear on beach holidays.

Amethyst is a purple stone which comes in a range of shades and can be opaque or clear. It looks great with any colouring and is said to bring spiritual upliftment and general healing to the wearer.

Jade and Lapis Lazuli are fairly deep coloured green and blue stones and ideal for anyone who doesn’t want to look too airy fairy.

Rose quartz is very feminine and is an ideal match for the retro-inspired ladylike looks around this season.

Agate comes in a range of colours and looks fantastic with the vivid prints which are going to be huge this summer.

25 years on*

*and the bigotry of Thatcherism remains

By Ian Loynd

Thatcherism is an ambiguous notion. It stands – amongst the not so politically minded of us –for hypocrisy,bigotry and gross confusion.

Last week saw the 25th anniversary of the iron lady’s first day in Downing Street. Her leadership has been as much celebrated as it has loathed. But why do the gay community consider her such an ogre? In a phrase,‘Section 28’.

The much debated sub-clause of the Local Government Bill is,in practice,rather inconsequential. It is fair and proper that no particular beliefs should be promoted in schools. Rather,it is the interpretation of its wording which has sparked such controversy.

Phrases such as ‘…a pretended family relationship’ strongly suggest that homosexual relationships are inferior to heterosexual relationships. More importantly,however,its poor –though purposeful – wording endangers the children it seeks to protect.

It is reported that,for fear of prosecution,education authorities and teachers have failed to even discuss homosexuality as part of sex education. This has created a ‘gay taboo’ in schools,embellishing ideas of homosexuality being perverse and unnatural and confusing pupils who may be exploring their own sexuality.

It is further alleged that bullying of gay – and often straight – pupils has not been actively discouraged by teachers for fear that they should be seen to be ‘promoting’ homosexuality.

It is scandalous that children should have suffered in this way at the hands of misguided individuals in Westminster pursuing personal and religious agendas.

Motions for the repeal of Section

28 under the Blair government have fuelled some of the most colourful House of Lords debates in recent history.

Take,for example,Earl Langford’s observation that "Homosexuality deprives people of the joys of marriage and children". Clearly he is confused,as it is the government which denies homosexuals these joys.

Other words of wisdom were offered by Cardinal Winning,who kindly remarked "It pains me to use the word perverted when discussing the homosexual act but that is what it is".

The most hateful comments,however,were reserved for the then leader of the House,Baroness Janet Young. In her speech to the House of Lords regarding the repeal of Section 28 she claimed "There is no moral equivalence between homosexual and heterosexual relationships… To say to a child that there are alternatives in life which are equally valid is not right".

How strange that unelected peers, who do not represent the will of the nation,should so openly discriminate against homosexuals. How odd that they should be allowed to do so behind a defence of Christianity. How sad that they should be able to block political reform – to protect young people – for the benefit of their own personal agendas.

Of course,the outlook is much brighter today. The conservative party, under the leadership of Michael Howard,has made a u-turn on their gay rights policies. Hereditary peers are being phased out of the Lords and fewer peers,through pressure from the Commons,are standing in the way of gay rights reform.

Is Thatcher unfairly blamed for the Section 28 saga? Perhaps so. But the public distrust in her is anchored in a

hatred for the spiteful right wing politics of her era. She is the keystone of an outdated and bigotted government who we are better off without.

1986 Lord Halsbury introduces a Private Members Bill in the House of Lords described as an ‘act to refrain local authorities from promoting homosexuality’.

1987 Bill passes to House of Commons and is adopted by Dame Jill Knight. It is abandoned through lack of support.

1988 Knight pushes a small amendment to Section 28 of the Local Government Bill through the Commons. It states,

"A local authority shall not:

a) Intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality.

b) Promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship."

Public outcry for its reform follows.

2000 Section 28 repealed in Scotland.

2000 Legislation to repeal the act is passed to the House of Lords by the Blair government but it is refused.

2003 Section 28 repealed in England and Wales.

Gay Z to

Oscar Wilde

One of the finest and most eloquent of Britain’s writers. Wilde lived a secret life of illicit meetings with rent boys before winding up in prison for two years for sleeping with another man. In his defense speech he spoke of his affections as “the love that dare not speak its name”. A claim which still rings true for many today.

wClub X

Cardiff’s largest and most popular gay venue. Club X boasts two dance floors,3 bars,a games room and a beer terrace. Now under new management, however,the club is in decline.

Flooded,dark toilets, untrained bar staff and price increases detract from what used to be the best Wednesday night out in town.

Baroness Janet Young

My mum told me not to speak ill of the dead. Shame, because this hateful,spiteful bigot keeps rearing her ugly head in Quench. Her efforts as Leader of the House of Lords focussed on the repression of adoption,employment and partnership rights for homosexuals. And I thought our democracy was built on equality.

yClone Zone

Nationwide chain of gay adult shops selling clothes,porn,sex toys and much more! If you need to buy jonnies - or anything elsebut are just too embarrassed,then try Clone Zone online.

zATA GLANCE

A Amyl Nitrate

B Bisexuality

C Canal Street

D Drag Queens

E Employment Rights

F Fellatio

G Gay Gene

H HIV

I Internet

J Jonnies

K Kings X

L Lush

M Marriage

N Newspapers

O Outrage!

P PDA

Q Queer As Folk

R Rainbow Flag

S Section 28

T Peter Tatchell

U Underwear

V Violence

W Oscar Wilde

X Club X

Y Janet Young

Z Clone Zone

Socially goofy,shoe freak? Enter the bizarre world of Graham Coxon.By Anthony Lloyd Three score years

"All the good shoes get phased out. These are Hush Puppies,and they don’t do these anymore. They did a really awesome slip-on version of these but I haven’t seen them for years. I’m a bit of a shoe freak." Not something you would expect from Graham Coxon is it? But then it’s not just his obsession with shoes (he never wears trainers) that makes him seem a bit bizarre. After every question he takes a long pause before giving his answer,and then he won’t look you in face when giving it. Who can blame him though? He’s probably had more than his fair share of words being twisted in the press.

Graham Coxon is no longer the guitarist in Blur,so why talk about it? Instead let’s find out about his new life as a solo artist,playing venues that Blur haven’t needed to play since 1993. "It’s a lot more relaxed and it’s kinda like my…… second twenties. My first twenties was kinda like I started this way,or a bit worse,in vans and things,and it’s like I’m starting again a bit,it’s quite nice." But does he enjoy playing in such small venues to up close crowds? "Yeah,I mean,I am a bit of a socially kinda goofy person,but I do like this kinda contact with,er,people who are coming to see it. I don’t really like it when it gets big and professional and it’s all,you get ushered this way and that way,and security guards and things like that,it gives you a pretty distorted reality."

Happiness In Magazines,Graham’s fifth album,is released soon and it’s a fantastic blast of concise pop rock, unlike his more rambling early albums. "My first albums worth were really…. a lot of ideas and really exploratory,I suppose,and this one is kinda…feels like more commercially viable maybe,more radio friendly. I mean,it wasn’t something that I was kinda thinking about while I was writing the songs,that’s just how they turned out. I guess I’ve just gotten a little better at writing songs,a little more confident at singing,cos I’ve

always liked singing but confidence is the that thing of just doing it,not worrying so much. It takes a while to get past those few barriers." Coxon has now made nearly as many solo albums as Blur albums,so is all this song writing easy? "It’s terrible,it’s

“It’s kinda like my second twenties” Graham Coxon

sort of like... very addictive writing songs and I didn’t really realise that until recently,it is almost like a mood altering activity,it’s like I can get a little bit grumpy and a little bit selfreproachful if I haven’t written anything,then when you do it can take

two minutes and something comes out of you really happy,but it does become a bit like an addiction."

Graham Coxon is addicted to music. You would have to be,to produce the amount of material he comes up with, Happiness… hasn’t even been released yet but he says, "I’ve already started writing the next LP and so I’ve the kind of…the dirt, what the things will come out of,do you know what I mean?" Yes,I think I do. Writing music is all Graham Coxon has ever done," I do a lot of thinking and walking and,erm,absorbing and usually it forms into little ideas and inspirations and I just start writing" and in a sense this is all he can do. More importantly it’s all he wants to do,"I could never give up music,that was the first thing that was important to me when I was little,it was the first thing I responded to." Let’s hope he never stops responding to it, maybe he’ll even make it into his third twenties.

20 Music

Graham Coxon: Waiting to see if Blur are hiding in the bushes

Happiness In Magazines

Transcopic

Let’s imagine,for a second,that Blur never existed. There would have been no Parklife; no battle royale with Oasis; Damon Albarn would be some twat behind a screen of dancing gorillas; Alex James would be just some twat; and Dave Rowntree,well,who?

Graham Coxon,on the other hand, would be on his fifth album,and just about to make the big time. Unfortunately,Blur do exist,but Graham Coxon is releasing his fifth album and about to brake the big time,on his own. Having released the previous four while still working with Blur, Happiness In Magazines is Coxon’s first offering,solo,proper.

It is,as the first track suggests, spectacular. By releasing his previous albums in relative anonymity,Coxon has been able to develop into a respectable artist through releasing independent,lo-fi recordings and not

resorting to the use of gimmicky cartoon animals as a disguise for lack of musical talent. Coxon has had a natural progression that means that this sounds right as a radio friendly record and not a desperate attempt to sell millions of records.

The first single, Freakin’Out,hinted at what Coxon had to offer,with its thundering drums,noise based solos, but with the underlying thread of pop sensibilities and that’s what the whole album is about: blending Coxon’s desire to write lo-fi American punk,as well as brilliantly heart-felt pop songs. He can move effortlessly from the MC5 like fury of People Of The Earth (“people of the earth you have failed/you shall worship the Sun and the Daily Mail”) that’s so heavy even the vocals are distorted,to the acoustic lullaby of Bottom Bunk. No doubt he has been helped by the production work of Stephen Street,but you can’t help feeling that he wanted

to show Blur exactly what they’re missing out on.

Graham Coxon has never been one for wallowing in the limelight,he was always ‘the quiet one’ in Blur,but this album is headed for such critical acclaim that he will have to deal with being the man of the moment. And for once,he may just be able to cope. It’s refreshing to find artist who can find commercial success without compromising any musical integrity. Damon, you could learn a lesson or two.

Anthony Lloyd

GRAHAM COXON

Un Mutt

Since when did Chumbawumba become the political version of the Beautiful South?

These songs involve many sound samples from uncredited sources,reflections on popular culture, wars and anarchistic diatribes. Although invariably catchy,it’s all a far cry from Tubthumping. Principally defining themselves by what they’re against (hence the minimalist title),most of the time their politics seems like a gimmicky badge. The most disarming thing about Un is that it sounds as polished as New Labour. Rob Telford

Split The Difference Hut Recordings

Anyone object to proper retro rock? No? Then no one should neglect Gomez's fourth album. The tracks are catchy and melodic yet maintain a vital raw and unique edge. Whilst there are definite gems,there does not seem to be a duff track on the whole album. Fuck it,this review is pointless,all that needs to be said is: 'BUY IT!' Debbie Green

The Izzys Kanine Records

It’s been a full three years since The Strokes’ Modern Age EP heralded the garage rock explosion. Why,then, are we still being bombarded with hangers-on like The Izzys?

The only thing that marks them out is their fascination with the Stones,which sadly sees them lifting guitar parts rather than harnessing Keef & co’s ballsy energy. Add weedy produc-

Albums 21

tion that refuses to get loud enough no matter how much you turn it up and you’re left with a record that’s no use to anybody.

Mat Croft

The Difference Between Me And You Is That I’m On Fire Too Pure

Anyone who’s heard Cardiff grime-rockers Mclusky knows they were the loudest of the ‘no namers’ who spewed out of a volcano a while back. They’re also the cleverest, lyrically sharpest and most tuneful. Gut-rock god Steve Albini welds these facts together (as he did on 2002’s stonkingly evil Do Dallas album) as a juggernaught lump of riff that’s

more mind-blowing than looking at your own arsehole in the mirror.

Icarus Smicarus has sick stop-starts,a huge mother of a chantalong verse (courtesy of bassist Jon Chapple’s throat splitting in half,by the sounds of it) and is dragged along by the hair by red-eyed Pixies riffage. You Should Be Ashamed Seamus is the ugliest musical sneer heard yet ("you should be APPALLED SEAMUS!"),and Forget About Him I’m Mint darkly teams dead soldier drum-marching with Spanish guitar,just in case you were thinking of pigeonholing Mclusky as doofus volume-junkies. It’s an album you need to hear,but be sure to warm yourself up by having an eagle screech in each ear for a week or so first. Jamie Fullerton

MCLUSKY

Albums 22

Scissors In My Pocket

One Little Indian Polly Paulusma (pronounced Paulsma) is the latest in the line of singer-songwriters to get the Michael Parkinson seal of approval. However don’t let this put you off,as each song on this self-produced album is really rather wonderful. With a sound that resembles Suzanne Vega,Damien Rice and even Fleetwood Mac, Scissors… could make Polly one of the year‘s biggest stars. Dave Jennings

I,Lucifer PIAS

As a lesson in eccentricism,you can do no wrong in last years "I,Lucifer",a 1930s concept album based on the devil-in-suburbia Glen Duncan book of the same name. Utterly obsessed with the decade of matinee and French jazz, the latest from matinee

idol-in-waiting Stephen Coates owes as much to other music hall revivalists such as Rufus Wainwright as the camp delights of the era of his own lust,as "La Bete et La Belle" indicates. Near-unfathomable,but rewarding nontheless. John Widdop

With The Tides Sanctuary

With the Tides is an extremely sensible successor to 2001’s From Here on In. South have said an unfortunate farewell to the snarling tangle of breakbeats,spaced out rock and general weirdness that comprised their debut album. Instead,they’ve decided to play the ‘timeless pop’ card,delivering fairly formulaic,bombastic tunes that is sometimes, err,worryingly on the side of power balladry. Employing Dave Eringa’s incredibly clean,grandiose production values may have seemed like a fabulous idea at the time,but the

THROBBING GRISTLE

samples and ear-grating techno. A treat for those who know,for those who don’t – bring ear plugs. Andy Parsons The Taste of T.G. Industrial/Mut

band obviously failed to realise that this man could make a tin of beans sound like the Manic Street Preachers. South didn’t really stand a chance. Maria Thomas

A Million Brothers (Blah Blah Blah) Novamute/Shitkatapult Skip the gothic techno meets agit-punk title track and head straight for the remixes where The Bug (under his Sub Species guise),Pole and most impressively LFO rip T. Raumschmiere a new arsehole via some filthy bass action,dubbed up

Right,shut the fuck up and listen. "Rock and roll" is for arse-lickers. You like Radiohead,because they’re so much more real than Britney Spears…FUCK OFF, YOU DISMAL HYPOCRITCAL BASTARDS! This album,by far the most approachable thing TG will ever release, demonstrates the indisputable fact that gaudy pop thrills have as much value as ‘serious’ music. Hence we have camp disco classics like Hot On The Heels Of Love alongside such exercises in brutality as Hamburger Lady,as chilling a song as you are likely to hear. Buy this record,having smashed everything that Muse have ever recorded. Charlie Jenkins

TIM WRIGHT

Thirst

Novamute

The man formerly known as Tube Jerk reaches into his bassbins for 10 tracks of high quality low-end action which are up there with other breaks luminaries such as Radioactive Man, Si Begg and Tipper. Wright’s stripped down sound takes only a few minutes to worm its way into your subconscious before detonating, depth charge style in a crescendo of bass and snares. Opener Kick The Door In should be given an antisocial behaviour warning – the other 9 tracks are even nastier. Thoroughly recommended. Andy Parsons

Baby Please Don’t Go

Columbia

Oh how we wish for another Dream On of Sweet Emotion. Instead,all we get is the album of blues covers another single to embarrass the Aerosmith name is taken from,much to the delight of the cash registers,but no-one else.

Sam Coare

You’re

Not The Law

Deltasonic

A slithery carbunkled snakepit of a song. Too close to The Specials and not nearly far enough away from The Coral this is still full of shadows in all the right places. Craig Driver

Something Good Columbia

She’ll do anything for her man will Bic: her name might get him a discount on his razors too. This is nice enough but leaves you waiting for a sharper edge.

Nathalie Southall

HOPE OF THE STATES

The Red,The White, The Black,The Blue

Sony

Chichester’s HOTS return minus one guitarist but lacking none of their early power,judging by this angsty anthem. But has the hype died down enough for us to admit they sound like Mansun? Mat Croft

Talk Show On Mute

Sony

Like shipping in a Malaysian Mail order bride, it all feels so pre-arranged. Stella album proceeds slower,weaker second single, but one which harks back to the sunset malaise of a beer on the porch. Happy Days. Greg Cochrane

Trick Me Star Trak

Singles

Kelis’s first single without the Neptunes is as bright and spacious as a walk in a sunny park. Her performance still has an edge of defiance,but newly infused with effervescence rather than anger,it sounds more empowered than ever. Chewie

MODEST MOUSE

Float On Epic

The US indie favourites’ latest is a bittersweet pop tune that’s like a Bossanova-era Pixies track given a melancholic Interpol makeover: sweetly sad and elegantly uplifting. Mat Croft

Sing For Absolution Taste

Muse would put a real damper on your birthday party. Balloons would burst with their wailing on about the meaning of life. That Bellamy can’t half wail though,the skinny rockin’ genius. Nathalie Southall

THE NECTARINE NO.9

I Love Total Destruction Beggar’s Banquet

This style of chaotic clanging indie,inspired by the Fall,isn’t as popular,sadly, as it used to be. These lot don’t mind though. Good on ‘em! And towards the end,the incoherent mesh somehow coalesces into a catchy tune. Chewie

PJ HARVEY

The Letter Island

This comeback single does away with the intricate layers of gleaming guitars, which made Polly’s last LP,Stories From The City..., her masterpiece. But it’s a grower,with a cool grungy riff,and some spooky backing vocals: not unlike Queens of the Stone Age,in fact. Chewie

THEVEILS

The Tide That Left And Never Came Back

Incubus: A muted response to their single.....

FUNERALFORA

City Live Arena,Newport

Saturday 8 May

THEDELAYS + THEVEILS

Engine Rooms,Cardiff

Saturday 8 May

The Veils deal in hypnotic,sunshine guitar melodies,offset with vocalist Finn Andrews’ Jeff Buckley-esque drawl. Although the set’s last three

songs kick your brain

Veils’ have a stubborn need to extend

The delay (arf!) for the Delays is not long. The Southampton four-piece combine synth-pop with Caribbean drums and steal the Blue Monday beat for their best song Long Time Coming Only around half their songs are good and at times they sound scarily like a hybrid of Lostprophets and Cast,but their fans were mental. An interesting night out. Rob Telford

As cool as the Fonze and twice as smooth Frank Turner beams,his face alight with mischief. Save the pallet of cliché’s,Million Dead bust them all. Possessed with enough erosive passion to force even the Hulk into anger management, Song For Ruin and box fresh Sasquatch envelope the ears and nibble on the necessities.

Time to scarper emo kiddies, daddy’s home. The Haunted are a lurching,snivelling beast and probably the best fucking metal you’ll hear this year,nuff said.

Matt Davis. You’ve probably got used to hearing the name by now,he may look like the bespectacled geek who got his pants pulled down and spanked with a football in high school, but now he’s the captain of a titanic vessel,docking in the good port bigtime. Ignoring the nauseous yelps of ‘sell-outs’ emanating from the underground,the five pierce-eyed protagonists tear up the stage and stamp on the critics. Juneau and Bullet Theory increase the collective heartbeat to an unhealthy zenith. "We’re from just up the road you know," coo’s Matt,flexing their copious muscle in front of a partisan posse has never been so easy.

Greg Cochrane

Clwb Ifor Bach,Cardiff

Sunday 25 April

How many acts can say they’ve been upstaged by an Icelandic metal band? The Next Nine Years were, well,emo. Yet for a band that falls under the such an abbreviation for ‘whinging tripe’,they were cool,calm and collected down to the last precise detail.

Biffy Clyro did what Biffy Clyro do; played well for the full hour set,giving us pretty much everything we wanted, yet nothing more. Seemingly content on playing the same set list for 2 years running,you can’t help but get that ‘seen it all before’ feeling. Minus,however,stole the show. Fronting the bastard offspring of Iggy Pop and Axl Rose,along with a bassist who looked like he fed on the emo kids lining the barrier,they brought pure,hard rocking songs straight from…Iceland. At the back of the room the emo kids cried; down Carnaby street kittens were being tortured. "Drown yourself in your blood" they screamed. We didn’t,but we had a good chuckle. Imagine spinal Tap, but unaware of their ludicrous fictionality. Livin’ the rock n’ roll dream? Fuck yeah. Sam Coare

Cardiff Barfly

Wednesday 28 April

"The Tom Waits of Hip Hop",Buck 65 has been making some of the best underground hip hop since 1988, releasing albums on like minded labels such as Antcon and Metaforensics before being snapped up last year by Warners Canada and releasing the seminal Square. On the back of his most recent release Talkin’ Honky Blues the man known to his mother as Richard Terfry has come here tonight to delight us with his humorous tales of growing up in Novo Scotia and rock us senseless with his fantastic tunes.

Opening with the radio friendly single Wicked and Weird the crowd quickly lock onto Richard’s trademark charismatic delivery and rough edge vocals as his leaps between microphone and turntable. Album bedfellows Protest and the Morricone styled Roses and Bluejays follow,but it’s only when he switches to his older material that Richard really seems to

relax and get stuck into his role as the world weary narrator on our mundane existence. Finishing with the story of the video shoot which resulted in him "shizzling his nizzle" and the latest single 463 there’s not a soul in the venue that wouldn’t give their left arm for the chance to get another 90 minutes with the man who puts the alt into alt hip hop. Andy

Parsons

Barfly,Cardiff

Sunday 9 May

The Logjammers opened the evening with flamboyant panache; their country-core licks ripping through the crowd liken axe wound,as was the title of their rousing closer which lived up to its name.

The next band,The Next Nine Years,despite their name,only played for thirty minutes.

Moving on to the Blood Brothers. Wow! These bread-mongers had attitude. Less hardcore more core-blimey, this is crazy shit dude,from the glory hole of Seattle. They powered through their set like a Jack Lelan juicer, snakier than the snakes on the head of the medusa. Sterling. Following in the footsteps of rock luminaries Part Rocket; the feral intensity of Missy Elliot and the heart-stopping dynamics of Kiss combined peeled off the faces of the front three rows,and even got my foot tapping! The audience was young,but well behaved. Six Nightmares at the PinballMasquerade, probably the highlight of the evening, bowled us over with its frenetic spazcore riffage. Never in my life had a tasted such a racket,except this one time when jambo’s mum tank-slapped us in the molars like. This is the best musical performance I’ve seen since the Blood Brothers namesake; ‘The Blood Brothers’ in the London’s westend. Whimsical? Stonking. Gareth Thomas

Solus,Cardiff Students Union

Tuesday 4 May

The Glitterati are a horrible,lumbering,leather-clad seventies dinosaur. Their mercifully short set is saturated with chugging riffs,cliched rock star poses and intermittent references to sex and drugs. They also appear to share a choreographer with The Hives and far worse,a hairdresser with the Cooper Temple Clause.

In the light of such underwhelming

beginnings,it’s fortunate that Therapy? Are such professionals. As the opening chords of Nowhere reverberate through an alarmingly sweaty Solus,the ‘kids’ (most of whom are actually slightly overweight men in their late thirties) go absolutely beserk. Frontman Andy Cairns certainly knows how to please an audience, delivering song after song of spiky, deafening rock. He even manages the impressive feat of looking vaguely cool in a shiny leather waistcoat . They may have been banging out the ‘hits’ for over ten years now,but the band show no signs of losing any of their energy or showmanship. Watch and learn,The Glitteratti. Watch and learn. Maria Thomas

DANGERMOUSE & JEMINI + PRINCEPO

The Point,Cardiff

Saturday 24 April

Whilst the media hype and over-praising reviews have lifted Dangermouse from the status of unknown producer and bootlegger to one of the hottest production names on the planet off the back of The Grey Album it’s a shame that his most rounded and musically successful project so far has been the critically acclaimed Ghetto Pop Life lp with New York rapper Jemini. It’s a delight therefore to see the self proclaimed "gifted one" added to the bill to accompany his "super-producer" on his tour.

Firstly however,former Organized Konfusion member Prince Po gets us up to speed with what Dangermouse has been working on since The Grey Album. Po treats us to a quickfire blaze though his debut solo album quickly whipping the hardcore hip hop fans in the audience into a frenzy. In particular the Richard X remix of new single Hold Dat and Po’s Better Things (which fuses a freestyle lyric of the Massive Attack track of the same name) work best in the live setting.

Despite having put his back out a few days before Jemini still manages to strut around the stage as if he owns it,ensuring each part of the crowd is involved in his show. Joined for most of the set by Prince Po,the dynamic duo with Dangermouse on turntables and backing vocals bring us the best of Ghetto Pop Life,spicing various tracks up with Dangermouse’s own cheeky bootlegs including a full on version of Omega Supreme over Seven Nation Army. Finishing with a

no holds barred reworking of TakeCare Of Business as an encore we’re left in no doubt how good his bedroom side projects may be,Dangermouse will be at his best with his own MCs. Andy Parsons

SWEETBABOO

Barfly,Cardiff

Tuesday 27 April

Sweet Baboo is the cuddliest performer in Cardiff,his quirky lo-fi charm endearing him to you in an instant. The former JT Mouse multi-instrumentalist plays the kind of songs that will steal your heart,smash it into a thousand smithereens,then magic it back together with just one enthusiastic pluck of a guitar string. His style reminds of early Hefner - a voice which misses the tune but squarely hits the pleasure centres of your brain,intelligent songwriting,and an underlying sense of humour.

Tonight he's as enthusiastic as ever,relishing playing music,babbling away to himself and the audience,and exclaiming the odd gleeful "Whoops!" at a wrong note or some other minor mishap. He oscillates between acoustic guitar and keyboard,sounding equally brilliant on either.

Unfortunately he doesn't end the night with his traditional mandolin numbers,but nonetheless the crowd adore him,knowing him to be something just that little bit special. David

THECRIBS

Barfly,Cardiff

Friday 7 May

Is it me,or must there be some kind of secret school in the deep countryside of the United Kingdom churning out legions of bands of The Libertines ilk? If there is,The Cribs must be one of them. They have all the trappings of a faux-Liberintes: the worn leather jacket,the Union Jack wife-beater and guitarists dancing back-to-back. Thank fuck that they’re good then or this could be a rambling article against the pains of yet more ‘The’ bands.

The brilliant pop delights of You Were Always The One

were done away with early on in the set,and from then on The Cribs were like an unstoppable wilderbeast of frenetic guitars and dancing drummers (how the hell do you play drums standing on a drum stool?!). They did suffer minor technical difficulties,but this didn’t spoil the show as drummer and bass player carried on in a kind of mirror image of The White Stripes. They seemed unstoppable,as if they had been possesed on stage- vocalists Gary and Ryan are the next Pete and Carl,only a bit more Northern. But also this doesn’t matter,bassist Gary Crib was wearing a Beat Happening t-shirt; they were always going to be good. Anthony Lloyd

Sweet Baboo: Do not laugh, this man cannot look up Photos: Simon Shoulders

Chapter Arts Centre goes looking for love...

Iturned up at Chapter One knowing nothing more than the title of the production I was about to see... So you can imagine my shock when the man who took my ticket informed me that there were cushions on either side of the room for my convenience and that I should feel free to ‘wander about during the performance.’ What was going on? Wasn’t I at the theatre? Was this some kind of weird audience participation thing? Since it was a Thursday,I was still feeling a little fragile from the night before and so ‘wandering’ into the performance was the last thing I wanted to do! As I entered the small,black room I selected a cushion and carefully chose a place away from the set....just in case!

The audience sat around the centre of the room,which contained some items of furniture and a few props. The actors sat in the audience. The whole thing seemed very odd and as the entrance doors were closing,part of me really wanted to make a desperate escape.

The play consisted of four main characters,each performing monologues about their romantic moments. There was a good selection of characters; a guy desperately looking for love; a gay man nervously

pursuing his love interest; a lusting lesbian; and a writer longing for a visit from her distant lover. The actors had devised the play themselves and it was obvious that they were talented people. The gay man’s monologues were easy to relate to and quite entertaining.

However,the script was at times too reliant upon cliches. I could really feel myself cringing when one of the actors starting rambling on about having a form of ‘heart disease.’ It was a shame that such cheesy analogies should be expressed in such a postmodern context.

The idea behind the production was intriguing and I liked the way in which the characters used the same props,yet remained completely separated. Although,even as an English Lit. student,I found that the performance tried too hard to be meaningful and was just too arty farty. It’s the sort of modern shit that you really have to be in the right mood to fully appreciate.

I am pleased that I attended the unique experience and was relieved to discover that the performance did not include audience participation (people could ‘wander about’ merely to get better views of the actors).

Despite this,the absence of a story-line meant that after an hour of waffle from obsessive and weird characters,I was more than ready to leave. Debbie Green

The Martin Tinney Gallery welcomes William Wilkins back to Wales

William Wilkins’ final return to Wales provides a very rare opportunity to not only see an amazing one-man exhibition,but to also view the work of one of Wales’ most respected artists.

His work consists of a refreshing blend of tiny dots, which combine to create unique master pieces. This is art in it’s most painstakingly creative form. The exhibition is well worth the visit and runs until 29th May.

Art imitating Butlin’s?

It could be worth turning up at Turner House before the 13th June. The New Ffotogallery exhibition currently hosts John Hinde’s Butlin’s Photographs. Yes - you’re right in thinking that this refers to the wellloved holiday camps,but don’t be put off by this. The pictures are far beyond those you’ll find in your old family holiday photo albums!

John Hinde’s Butlin’s Photographs are a rather odd,but comical blend of the history of Butlin’s holiday camps. Taking you back in time as far as the end of World war Two,Hinde presents an idealised view of the world,as well as the lost hopes and dreams of Billy Butlin. For some light-hearted arty viewing,this is definitely worth a quick gander.

In this action-packed issue, Craig Driver celebrates the republished adventures of Asterix the Gaul,while KerryLynne Doyle weaves some Yeatsian

magic

ASTERIX THE GAUL

Written:Rene Goscinny

Illustrated:Albert Uderzo

The little musclebound Gaul with his big dumb friend Obelix is back. Wonderfully illustrated by Uderzo and

imbued with wit and charm by Goscinny,this is his first official adventure. Gaul is divided into three parts. Well,four actually,for one small village of indomitable Gaul’s (that's French to you and me) still hold out against the Roman invaders.

Centurion Crismus Bonus (wondeful name),keen to discover the secret of the Gaul's superhuman strength, sends a spy into the village. The Roman's identity is revealed when he unwittingly loses his moustache,but not before discovering the existence of the Gaul's magic poison brewed by the druid Getafix. Thus armed,Bonus believes himself capable of overthrowing Caesar himself and accordingly kidnaps Getafix: mayhem,humour and bashing aplenty ensue.

The charm of this book is in the wit and the energy of the drawing and the dialogue. Looking like a bloated and jolly Scarfe sketch the entire book is a joy for young and old alike.

ASTERIX AND THE GOTHS

Written:Rene Goscinny

Illustrated:Albert Uderzo

Asterix,Obelix,and Dogmatix return once more for some gallic mischief. Asterix and Obelix are escorting Getafix to the annual druids' conference in the forest of the Carnutes. Little do they know that the Goths (aptly named Esoteric,Atmospheric,Prehistoric and Choleric) are hiding nearby,intending to invade Gaul and Rome with the help of the Druid of the Year. Their first step is to kidnap Getafix when he wins the title. Asterix and Obelix duly rush to the rescue,but as soon as they cross the frontier the Goths take them for Romans, the Romans take them for Goths,and mayhem ensues. As usual Asterix plays the straight man/dwarf to Obelix's gibbering bafoon. The great thing about this book is that it is so easy and refreshingly enjoyable to read. All in all a wonderful book to wile away half an hour.

Legends of the page!

William Butler Yeats is one of the most prolific poets of the twentieth century. Famous for his odes to his native Ireland,he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1923. Although his poetry is most famous for its savage political overtones,Yeats’s work includes poems that are intensely romantic and touching. His work is traditional in form,yet never at the expense of passion.

Born in 1865,Yeats’s life spanned a hotbed of political unrest not only in his homeland but also on an international scale,dying in 1939 not long before the outbreak of WWII. Unsurprising then,that his poetry has such political resonance. Easter 1916 centres around the Easter Rising in Dublin after which 16 men were executed and 2000 people were held prisoners. Yeats laments that ‘All [is] changed,changed utterly / A terrible beauty is born’. His work often has dark and sinister tones,and this is most evident in The Second Coming which paints a terrifying portrait of anarchy and destruction where ‘The blood-dimmed tide is loosed,and every-

where / The ceremony of innocence is drowned’.

However,although Yeats’s work may be most recognised for its politics and dejection,some of his poetry is soft and sentimental. His poems on romance mostly surround his unrequited love for Maud Gonne,a politically active woman that he met in 1889. In Never Give all the Heart he advises against loving too much saying sadly that ‘He that made this knows all the cost / For he gave all his heart and lost’. Equally touching is When You are Old which asks its subject to look back on the poem in later life. It declares ‘But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you / And loved the sorrows of your changing face’. Again it shows that Yeats’s work does have a sensitive side and can be saccharine sweet; his work does not simply surround the complex politics of his time.

Clearly it is very evident why Yeats is regarded as one of the best poets of the twentieth century. His work encompasses many of the important historical events of the century using passion,

powerful imagery and relatively simple forms. Yet his poetry also has an amazingly sensitive side meaning that Yeats can command both the sharpest political verses and the softest imagery of love. So whether you’re a love-poetry fanatic or want to brush up on Irish politics and history,Yeats cannot fail to please. His work is moving,atmospheric and intense. Simply put,if you haven’t read any Yeats before then go

Craig Driver gets passionate about Toni Morrison

Toni Morrison is a writer whose career is littered with accolades whether it be best-selling author,academic goddess or Nobel Prize winner. While all such achievements are professionally and artistically satisfying she has more vitally served to sustain and nourish the human conscience like few authors of the last thirty years. In a current political climate littered with racial paranoia and xenophobic mistrust Morrison’s work has never been more poignant. She inherently disputes the traditional western notion that the untold reality of racism is something better left behind and forgotten.

subjection. Morrison carefully demonstrates the problematic crisis of identity that occurs when something that is assumed to be intrinsic to our nature,such as race,is imposed and therefore disruptive.

Morrison’s novels have continually highlighted and examined the pervasive imposition of slavery and racism upon the individual psyche. Her very first novel, The Bluest Eye,is a tragically tender tale of an isolated and troubled family. With sweet humanity and articulate precision she attempts a progressive examination of an African-American existence often forgotten and denied a voice. Whilst in Jazz, Morrison writes a story emblematic of the past strife that remains intrinsically bound to the inhabitants of Harlem as they attempt to build a postcolonial life free from historical

Though it is in her classic novel Beloved that her importance is most fully realised. Beloved is a daughter murdered by her mother in order to save her from the atrocities of Slavery. Beloved is a novel that comes to represent and highlight the complex relationship between history and memory. Indeed,the ghostly figure of Beloved becomes a living embodiment and knowledge of ‘whatever it was those black scratches’ of slavery said. Beloved is Morrison’s attempt to represent the collective pain,guilt,and terror of slavery. Beloved’s eventual statement that ‘it is hard to make yourself die forever’ comes to represent the continual influence that the repressed terror of slavery,newly awoken,will have upon the present. Morrison utilizes Beloved’s resurrection of history to render the comfort of our reality increasingly ungraspable and subject to doubt. She indicates that in order to understand and reconcile ourselves with slavery we must first exorcise the ruling principle and language of the history that documents it. It is in this sense that Morrison comes to represent the resurrection of the inhibitive past in a present that cannot,and yet desperately needs to,fully realise the possibilities of life. Ultimately Beloved becomes a novel about recovering what is lost and loving it into incessantly into life.

Morrison’s writing does not condone a forgetting of slavery but rather a refusal to only seek meaning in the historically documented trauma of slavery. Morrison does this by refuting the invention of an idyllic past that facilitates slavery. Her writing is at times an undeniably apocalyptic manifestation of the world beyond the veil of colonialism and racial hatred. Her hybrid conflation of past realities upon future possibilities stands as a testimony to the presence and complexities of all those who have lived and been silenced under the imposing legacy of slavery and racism.

Morrison’s work can be consid-

ered,and is at times,relentlessly centred upon the slave narrative. She nonetheless articulates a narrative in which the present is able to signify what the historical documentation of slavery made it impossible to represent. Morrison’s novels succinctly highlight Amy Denver’s prophetic epitaph in Beloved that ‘Anything dead coming back to life hurts.’ Morrison demonstrates the attempt and the need to forge an understanding of racial hatred that is aware of the past but not reliant upon its influence,terror,or reactionary hatred. Amongst the tarnished cultural climate of our present world this is perhaps a message that has never been in more dire need of fervent contemplation.

Imagining Argentina

Dir: Stephan Sommers

Cast: Hugh Jackman,Kate Beckinsale,and Richard Roxburgh

After all the hype surrounding the release of this film,is it going to be any good? Well,the plot is quite simple; during the late 19th century famed monster hunter Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Jackman) is sent

lovely Kate Beckinsale.

So what is good about this movie? The visual effects are stunning; the film is awash with dark,sinister environments and spooky lighting. There is tons of excitement as Van Helsing’s adventures allow Stephen Sommers to use his “plenty-o-action” approach to cinema,and the CGI effects of the monster fights are excellently rendered. Overall it’s not that memorable a film. If you’re thinking of waiting

IMAGINING ARGENTINA

mal make uneasy bedfellows in Christopher Hampton's Imagining Argentina,based on Lawrence Thornton’s award-winning novel. Set during the 'dirty war' in 1970s Buenos Aires,the fascist military government is abducting those opposed to its rule. After journalist Cecilia (Emma Thompson) is kidnapped for her dissident views,husband Carlos (Antonio Banderas) begins to have mysterious visions of the 'disappeared'.

Hampton's aim is to show that evil forces can break the body,but not the imagination. It's a laudable theme, but never conveyed with the delicacy it deserves. It just doesn’t seem right to have a bearded Banderas grimacing like he's Obi-Wan Kenobi sensing a disturbance in The Force,or to see him soulfully strumming a guitar,eyes heavenward. Hampton even dares to make a tasteless and somewhat simplistic comparison to Auschwitz that belittles the situation in Argentina whilst simultaneously feeding parasitically off the sensitive and catastrophic events of the Holocaust. It's maddening that the film is so flawed, because there's a touching and important story here that could have been told with more power,honesty and humanity.

On top of all this,there's the hokey,hollow ring of a finale that strains to create uplift from a romantic reunion and a bout of symbolic bird-freeing. The closing caption belatedly tells us 30,000 Argentineans disappeared between 1976 and 1983. Unfortunately for Hampton,there's more impact in this single,sad fact than in any of the frustratingly misguided magical realism that precedes it. Craig Driver

VAN HELSING

SHATTERED GLASS

Dir: Bill Ray

Cast: Hayden Christiansen,Peter Sarsgaard,Hank Azaria,Chloë Sevigny

Shattered Glass is the true story of Stephen Glass (Hayden Christensen),the 24-year-old journalist of “The New Republic” who, in the three years from 1995 to 1998,fabricated or completely made up 27 of the 41 stories he wrote. The ruse works,until gonzo Internet journalist Adam Penenberg begins to unravel a phony Glass story,thread by thread.

Hayden Christensen,best known as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones,is the charismatic embodiment of a young man who instinctively understood how to temper the art of showmanship with the craft of false humility. If anything,this film proves Lucas demands the most wooden performances possible from his Star Wars cast,because Christensen seems determined to act here. Effortlessly engaging,Glass snows his colleagues with flattery and self-deprecation: he'll sell an article proposal at a planning meeting with a showy tap dance,then calculatedly devalue the idea to undercut any appearance of calculation.

Whilst not a grade A psychological profile by any means,Ray has still crafted a meticulously enjoyable film. It’s as gripping as it is disturbing,and as well performed as it is mysterious. Ray's screenplay deftly explicates the machinery of modern journalism and exposes its Achilles heel so adroitly, indeed,that its insistence upon the redemptive heroism of editors such as Lane feels like an unnecessary palliative. I urge anyone in media or journalism to go and see this film and examine their conscience and their ethics.

The Rules of Attraction

THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION

Craig Driver Dir: Peter Howitt

Cast: Julianne Moore,Pierce Brosnan,Parker Posey,and Michael Sheen

Noflashy edits like the self-loving Rules of Attraction here,just two bickering divorce lawyers from ‘the Tiffany of New York law firms’. Daniel Rafferty (Brosnan) and Audrey Miller (Moore) make a living separating other couples while simultaneously – yep,you’ve guessed it – falling for each other and getting accidentally married in the process. Beautiful? Hardly.

Julianne Moore humiliates herself with her whining and the Irish-filmed

footage sees the native Pierce Brosnan stick out a mile. To top it all off,for the moments of romantic disillusion,the soundtrack is positively vomit inducing – cue Norah Jones. Despite their embarrassing depiction of rock stars,Michael Sheen and the fantastic Parker Posey (A Mighty Wind,Best in Show) trample over the Hollywood stars’ performances. Posey does her best ‘on the edge of sanity’ role which is the main source of enjoyment for the entire film.

Romantic comedies are amazing when they’re done properly. Sadly, The Laws of Attraction is a lazy film with an old script and not the slightest hint of sexy sophistication it begs to exude. A bit of fun for Bronson but Julianne The Hours Moore can do so much better than this schmaltzy pile of vomit.

Nathalie Southall

This is hardcore

Oh my God,ninjas are so SWEET man! Like,who would win out of a hundred ninjas and a hundred pirates? Gareth Lloyd reviews Ninja Gaiden on Xbox

At the outset,you’ll invariably think something’s wrong: it’s a mistake (did I select the wrong difficulty level?),or some kind of trickery designed to throw you,the player,off your game. Once the first boss has consigned you to the Game Over screen for the third or fourth time,though,it’s clear as day; Ninja Gaiden is pure hardcore.

..No sniggering at the back,you lot.

Leaving aside the insane difficulty level for a moment,the game is nothing short of a visual and auditory tour de force. Without a doubt,these are some of the most accomplished graphics yet achieved on the Xbox,or indeed any other system,both in terms of technical and artistic merit. That the game can render complex, sumptuously lit environments containing large numbers of detailed (and

Censorship Down

Actually,ignore the bit up there about decapatating people. Those kind folk at the UK censorship,erm,place (wherever that is) have decided that the sight of heads being severed is JUSTTOOMUCH FOR YOU. Bizarrely,the copious lev-

els of blood and gore are still in there,though,so all’s not lost. We’re also fairly sure that any mention of nunchuks are out of the game,since they’re highly illegal in this country and the sight of them would BLOWyour MIND.

well animated) enemies is one thing; that it can keep the gameplay maintained at a blisteringly fast pace is another altogether. The sound is worth a mention too: ambient eastern themes echo through deserted altars, switching up to hard electro-metal at a moment’s notice to reflect bursts of action. An oft-used device,to be sure, but one that’s rarely implemented this effectively.

As for the gameplay itself,well.. it’s a game about ninjas,isn’t it? You know what to expect. Run your little bloke around a set of full 3D environments hacking people up. Sure,there are some rather basic puzzles and that,but the fighting’s the star here. The nifty tricks of movement that the

recent Prince Of Persia title used in opening up its grand levels for exploration are here lifted and incorporated seamlessly into a truly amazing combat system. A basic encounter with a group of enemies can turn into a digital ballet as your skills increase; vault over your first assailant,flinging him into his chums with a cheeky somer-

sault,before running along a nearby wall and neatly slicing each of their heads off in a single charge. The less impetuous will hang back,blocking and counterattacking like a pro,and picking the stragglers off with shuriken. And that’s before we mention the alternative weapons,the new manouevers that become available

A Feudal Fiasco

Dynasty warriors 4 is a lot like Dynasty Warriors 3. Which was, itself,quite similar to Dynasty Warriors 2. The thing is, Dynasty Warriors 2 was (and still is) ace. Following back the chain of logic, then,it should follow that Dynasty Warriors 4 is ace. And it is; hurrah for logic!

If you’ve been wondering when all the old-school beat-em-ups (Streets Of Rage? Final Fight?) have gone,well; here remaineth their legacy. Pick a

character,and bash some baddies. That’s it. The major innovation here is the battlefield setting; you control a general of one of two opposing armies,and are given free reign to wander the region attempting to shift the balance of the conflict. Most of the time it’s simply a case of ploughing through the ranks to reach the enemy commander,but occasionally events will occur that test your battle savvy; for example,on reaching the stronghold of the opposing force,a

through progress,and the glorious, magnificent finishing moves. This is ninja porn. Well,minus all the sex of course.

However,it’s the difficulty that has garnered the most attention in previews of Ninja Gaiden. To be fair,there are a number of flaws that don’t help, here: most notably,an errant camera which enjoys placing itself against a wall while evil ninjas bash your face in from out of view. The constant reappearance of previously downed enemies also represents an unfortunate hark back to the game’s 8-bit roots. Mostly,however,a little hard work and concentration will get you though even the toughest sections. It’s been tempting to tone down this review’s enthusiasm on the basis that Ninja Gaiden isn’t for everyone; the difficulty will turn many players away within minutes. However,skill reaps rewards; it’s the most satisfying title that Digital has encountered all year,and the ultimate tonic to all the patronising hand-holding that so many games force on players nowadays.

From Japan to China, now;nice link,eh?

Gareth Lloyd gets medievil on Dynasty Warriors for Xbox and PlayStation2

fearsome general ambushes your troops from the rear (“Ha ha!”). Do you press ahead,sacrificing the lives of your backup soldiers,or turn back to provide support? It’s all too easy to get caught up in slaying the minor troops (you’ll often find yourself taking out hundreds of these poor little guys per level),whilst overlooking the bigger picture; poor planning will leave you high and dry when the battle reaches it’s conclusion.

It’s not a pretty game; the environments (though vast) are ugly,and enemy soldiers pop out of ‘fog’ mere metres in front of you. Hence it feels less like taking part in a single major conflict than a series of smaller skirmishes at times. The music is also disturbingly incongrous with the setting; I wonder if all those po-faced Chinese warlords really used to settle their differences to the soothing tones of wailing metal guitars.

However,sod all that stuff; it’s all very silly,and it’s all very fun.

Going out

Weall need to take a break from revision,so why not make the most of it? After being cooped up in the house you deserve a drink (or several!).And take the night off cooking - whatever your taste,we have restaurants to suit.

Everybody’s heard of Walkabout the Australian bar with a twist,you’ve probably all been to one and if you like a taste of OZ you might already be a regular! Walkabout is in the centre of town,so you can’t miss it. A great place to go if you’re watching rugby or go there this summer to catch all the football action. The place is so big that when it’s full of people the atmosphere is great.

Pop into walkabout for a piece of daytime food and drink or go along at night to experience a pub with a difference. If you venture in don’t be fooled into thinking it’s small. Explore the place and downstairs you’ll find there’s a huge dance floor! It’s really worth a look.

Drinks prices are similar to the other local bars like Life and the Philharmonic but check out flyers as they often do drinks offers and special nights. So tie me kangaroo down sport and we’ll see you down under!

Katy Davies

If,like me,you expect every Italian restaurant to be reminiscent of a scene from either ‘The Godfather’ or ‘Lady and the Tramp’,you’ll be disappointed by Positano’s. If,however,you want good quality food in surroundings that manage to be both cosy and sophisticated,then this is the place for you. The menu was everything you’d expect: pasta,

grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

pizza,meat dishes and so forth,with an accompanying Fresh Fish of the Day Menu. My vegetable soup starter was £4,and tasty,but hardly fancy. For main course I chose the £12 pollo nero,which in layman’s terms is chicken breast in a brandy,cream and red wine sauce. It was lovely,but be prepared for the peppercorns in the sauce. The house wine was £10,and definitely good enough to not need to bother with a more expensive bottle. They also have a daytime menu (£7.95 two courses),for those of you who are too classy for Burger King.

The restaurant is divided into two rooms,with the back room having the more rustic,cosy décor of a traditional Italian trattoria. The front room is brighter and airier due to its glass frontage,and has a slightly more cosmopolitan feel because of its outlook onto the cobbled street and the church.

The atmosphere got more intimate past 8 o’clock,when the staff put on proper Italian music,lowered the lights a little,and lit candles at the tables. It also added to the class and authenticity of the place that all the staff seemed to actually be Italian,rather than local impostors with fake tans and too much brylcreem.

For a taste of the continent,then, Positano’s is well worth investigating. David Adams

In need of something a little more exotic? Authentic Asian food does not come easy in Britain. My first attempt at getting it was the new Thai and Cantonese Restaurant on City Road called Lee Garden,a great looking place with a distinctly authentic feel to it. Somewhat apprehensive by the lack of people in there we were quickly pacified by the prawn crackers and sweet chilli sauce.

Unfortunately the night didn’t really progress from there. The menu was limited,the service was extremely slow and the portions were tiny. I would’ve given them the benefit of the doubt,but they took another fifteen minutes to get us the bill,and had the audacity to charge for each tiny glass of water we’d had. I hate to give a bad review,but when starting out,you should do everything in your power to attract and hold on to custom. Not so in this case as I shan’t be going there again!

Round two - Thai Thai. If I couldn’t

get a good Thai meal for cheap well then I was just gonna have to fork out the big bucks. Frequented by Welsh media sorts,the restaurant came upon very good recommendation. Slightly off the beaten track I was highly impressed by the décor and the traditional feel of the place. Met by an immaculate bar as we entered we had the choice of the full range of drinks including imported beer from Thailand. The menu had many delightful options to choose from. The prawn toast was out of this world. The mains were no less disappointing,a beef panang curry for my partner and steamed salmon with lemongrass,ginger and traditional vegetables. Truly tasty,you were indeed paying for quality.

My only drawback is that I am not sure how far I am willing to pay for quality. The 2 starters,2 main courses,2 bottles of beer and bottle of wine came to a hefty £75! My advice is if you’re out to impress,or just had a flutter on the horses then it’s worth splashing out. If however,you’re sticking to a student budget then you’d be better off finding a happy medium.

Hannah Langfield

We’ve only got one more Quench , so please send in some more reviews for the last issue (approx 200 words).

Email: grmagazine@cf.ac.uk

Sports fun at Walkabout

PHOTO: Jenny Duxbury

Respect in retrospect

BIKINI KILL

Pussy Whipped Kill Rock Stars (1993)

The 1980s were a dire time for rock music. Ridiculous,half-dressed,spandex clad men playing over produced cock-rock about screwing women and drinking Jack Daniel’s. Yet there wasn’t a woman in sight,and by 1990 Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth was singing ‘Are you going to liberate us girls from male white corporate oppression?’ (Kool Thing).

And so appeared Bikini Kill,out to destroy major label male rock with 1977 punk and heaps of riot grrrl attitude. Released in 1993, Pussy Whipped is the best example of Bikini Kill’s female angst ridden vocals combined with dirty guitars and pounding drums.

Anger is apparent right from the beginning as Kathi Wilcox’s thundering bass opens Blood One,before screeching feedback emerges from Billy Karren’s (the only male member) guitar. Alien She is a classic paen for being different- in the sense that being a feminist rock-chick means being a lesbian. Kathleen Hanna screams her way through the whole album,especially on Lil Red: an attack on men and their need for crowds of women to be constantly swooning over them. Of course this wouldn’t be a classic album without the obligatory love song,and as is expected Bikini Kill produce Sugar; a sarcastic swipe at men and their desire for sexual favours without any kind of reciprocation,summed up in one line: ‘I mimic out your every fuckin’fantasy,why can’t I ever get my sugar?’

It may sound like Pussy Whipped is a contrived feminist manifesto but it’s not. When listening to it,the frustration of years of men singing as if women are there for their own pleasure is released by giving them a taste of their own medicine.

MAGNOLIA

Magnolia is one of those ‘Marmite’ films. For every gushing review of the film’s intricate character interactions comes another blasting Anderson for pretentiousness. An obvious if unlikely comparison is Richard Curtis’s gushing Love,Actually with its ensemble cast and coincidental intertwining of characters; replace unrealistically posh London with Anderson’s beloved San Fernando and love and forgiveness (yuk!) for cancer and frogs and you’ve got Magnolia

All the stories in the film centre around the quiz show What Do Kids Know? and the coincidences that bring the characters together. Those such as William H Macy’s ‘Quiz Kid’ and host Jimmy Gator (Philip Baker Hall) have obvious connections with the show - but these branch off and introduce characters such as the motivational speaker Frank T.J Mackey (an unnervingly convincing Tom "Respect The Cock!” Cruise;).

Who does what and why,is too complex to outline and there is little main plot. Instead we see many of the characters break down while others,such as useless but loveable cop Jim Kurring (John C. Reilly),are the glue holding everything together.

The music of Aimee Mann provided inspiration for much of the film,even some of the lines. Mann provides the soundtrack to almost all of the film, including a particularly touching scene when the main characters all sing her ballad Wise Up to the camera as their worlds begin to fall apart.

A beautiful tapestry of characters and stories, Magnolia is hard to surmise,but if you have a few hours to spare,check it out for yourself. You may hate it. or you may sit there transfixed; either way it’s worth it just for the frogs (you’ll see).

Will Dean

THE BLOODY CHAMBER

Angela Carter (1995) Vintage

Whilst a good novel can be as satisfying as a night of romantic lovemaking, Angela Carter’s The Bloody Chamber is like a series of mind-blowing one night stands. Each short story in this anthology offers a short but intensely delicious read that’s far more enticing than slogging away at a 400-page hardback.

The stories in this collection are linked because of their shared basis in fairytale and myth; The Lady of the House of Love has clear remnants of Dracula while Puss in Boots is loosely related to the eponymous nursery rhyme.

Like much of Carter’s work,interpretations of The Bloody Chamber have been reduced to simple feminist spiel, harping on about the progressive foregrounding of the female protagonist throughout the book. Of course these ideas can be justified; the stories do offer the female lead a certain amount of sexual liberty as she evolves through the pages.

Yet in viewing the book as a profemale revival of the fairytale,an important dimension of Carter’s work is repressed. While she does challenge the patriarchal structures of the genre,it should not be forgotten that these pieces restore a hint of dignity to a stagnant form of storytelling. The Bloody Chamber helps to counteract the detrimental effect Disney has had on the fairytale,restoring extreme violence and explicit lust to a sanitised genre.

Not only is this an anthology novel in content,it’s also particularly inspired in form. A pleasure to read linguistically, Carter experiments with tense syntax, producing pieces that are written as vividly as the images she invokes. This is not only a collection of engaging stories,but also a selection of finely written works. Perri Lewis

Dir:Paul Thomas Anderson (1999) Starring:Tom Cruise,Julianne Moore

A heavenly match?

We sent two students for our

final blind date of the year for a romantic meal at

Guy’s profile:

Name - Piyush Roy

Age - 29

Studying - MA International Journalism

Piyush on Lisa:

What were your first impressions of Lisa?

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle and Lisa O’Brien

I found her friendly and she was attractive. Good personality.

How was the date?

It was good. It started off well. We hardly had anything to disagree on and it was fine. We talked on many topics. Quite an eclectic discussion

Were there any awkward or funny moments? No,no awkward moments at all. She was pretty confident and smart.

How was the conversation?

Interesting. We talked on a lot of issues and she had seen me on the university website (Piyush has been nominated for Imternational Student of the year). We are both interested in psychology so we had discussions on that.

Did you swap phone numbers?

We swapped email.

Did you go out afterwards?

No because I was going to London the

Girl’s profile:

Name - Lisa Gwinnett

Age - 20

Studying - BSc Psychology

Lisa on Piyush:

What were your first impressions of Piyush? He looked really friendly. How was the date?

Good. It was nice. The conversation flowed well. He’s very good at initiating coversation. It was pleasant. Were there any awkward or funny moments?

No. no awkward moments.We both talked so much. I didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone who talked as much as me, but Piyush talked even more than me! How was the conversation?

It was fine.It flowed. Did you swap phone numbers?

No we didn’t. I gave him my email address. Did you go out afterwards? No,we didn’t.

Are you going to meet up again?

No,I don’t think so but we’ll keep in contact through email. He’s a really friendly,nice and funny guy. Kiss? Anything more?

In the last edition of Quench we at blind date will be rounding up the best and the worst of our blind dates in the past year. Look out for our favouritequotes and to find out if any of our blind date couples are still in touch...

Postcards from France

By Andrew Davidson,Grenoble

Even when compared to their incompe- tent British counterparts,French police can be utter dickheads. I’m not such a big fan of any police,as clearly docu- mented in the gair rhydd fifteen months ago when a convoy of Cardiff Constables gave a group of anti-war protesters an unwarranted kick- ing - school kids included - but there are limits.

Wandering about Grenoble,boots polished, jaws sharpened,eyes peeled and guns loaded, the local possé are more akin to WWII SS than anything I’ve ever seen. Since moving here eight months ago,I have witnessed at least ten exam- ples of officers beating up tramps,“randomly” stopping and searching BMWs full of young non- whites,demanding identity cards without expla- nation,and so on. A few months back,I was walking home from a bar when a car-full of the aforementioned muppets stopped,and without explanation,searched me before questioning me at length as to my evening’s activity. Since when did the fifth French Republic make it illegal to go

Postcards from Sicily

By Sarah Cummins,Catania

Easter saw the parents come out and us taking a trip to the Aeolian Islands just off the Northeast coast of Sicily. Our first stop was the mud baths of Vulcano. Having read up extensively on the Islands I was well aware that the mud baths are radioactive. And it is advised not to spend longer than ten minutes wallowing hippo like in the mud. This caused me a large amount of concern as I eagerly timed our bathing and was horrified that an elderly man spent over half an hour in the clay-like substance. You probably could have baked a potato just by standing next to him.

With gorgeous weather we sailed on to the next Island,Lipari. As we were walking down the main high street,admiring the scenery and peeking in the shop windows we saw a large number of smartly dressed people carrying flowers. So out came our cameras. Unfortunately as I was adjusting my camera it came to my attention that this was no normal wedding - a short while later it became apparent that it was in fact a funeral of a very important member of the Lipari community!

out at night?

Then a fortnight ago,I’m leav- ing my flat and there’s five Gendarmes (militia style police, directly responsible to the min- istry of defence) giving a kicking to two fellas already handcuffed and lying face-down on the pavement.

AreEuropeanpolicemoredraconianthanourown?

Not the formerly mentioned mud bather may I add.

All in all the Aeolian Islands are the most beautiful places I have ever visited and am returning next month. I shall just avoid the mud lovers and keep my camera under wraps.

Oh,thatRon Atkinson. What a scallywag,eh? And if only that microphone hadn’t been turned on… Okay,okay,this is old news,but doesn’t it strike you as odd that the very papers that were the quickest to attack old Ron were also the ones running the “England to be stormed by Commie paedophile mass-murderers – and you’re paying!” stories? So, basically,his racism was all well and good so long as it wasn’t broadcast to the public sphere,where it changes from harmless banter into cross-burning fascism? So a media person can be a racist as they like, twenty-four seven,until they get found out by an “emotional outburst”, whereupon their behaviour and attitude are now beyond the pale? Interesting… Perhaps Big Ron’s error was being found out,an excuse for the media to wring its hands over his outburst thus exonerating themselves from similar accusations of institutional racism. The same papers that talked of “tides’’ of refugees,illegal immigrants et al could now take a stance as tireless campaigners against The Evils Of Racism… What champions of Liberty! What fearless harbingers of truth! Yet again the real issue has been snatched from public consideration by the persecution of a convenient – and guilty – scapegoat. I

wonder what other shocking revelations would arise if other microphones were left running? Note that the Sun’s complaints over the pictures of Iraq atrocities are directed principally at the Mirror,regardless of whether the pictures are faked or not. Let’s face it: we at gair rhydd may all be nice people and have won awards and stuff,but deep down we’re all scum,in thrall to the vicious circle of lies that is modern journalism. Expect to see us pedalling tits ‘n’ war to all and sundry in the near future.

On a lighter note… no,fuck it! Why should I pander to this mindless,desperate optimism that pollutes our very existence? Don’t you think that all of these heartwarming,stressrelieving diaries,advice columns and talkshows are just distractions from the blunt fact that our lives are not our own,but follow the diktat of a consumer society. Just fucking think, will you? And don’t take solace in your fucking cats,either,morons!

Oh yeah…half of this column is recycled from last issue,where it didn’t appear. I’d like to tell that this was because I was kidnapped by transsexual space vampires with X-ray vision, or that I was battling with Nazi flying saucers from the centre of the earth,

but no,it was human error. And on my behalf,it must be said. Ah well, nothing changes too much.

Now,in the last issue of Quench certain things got slagged that shouldn’t have been,as they were rare and awesome things. Exhibit a: Buckfast Tonic Wine. This stuff is incredible. Tonic wine is one life’s great mysteries,having no medicinal properties to speak of,excepting its high alcohol content. That Buckfast is becoming more available in Wales is great news for boozers everywhere,and should only be applauded. Exhibit b: Wizzard. Kiss,by virtue of being American, cannot be considered a glam rock band,not being part of that atavistic movement whereby working class British youth dressed up in really silly clothes and wrote stupid,stupid songs. And the epicentre,the spirtual home of glam? The Midlands,where the spectres of Noddy Holder,Ozzy and Roy Wood haunt the half-remembered mental backgrounds of pop culture. Aroint thee,Kiss,and welcome in Wizzard,Slade and the mighty Sweet. Ave!

See,write shit like this for long enough and someone will give you an award for it. Ah,the joys of tokenism and pity...

Your Horoscopes with Madame Cynthia

Sagittarius

(Nov 23 - Dec 21) Yes I am aware that these horoscopes are not in order,and in that way they very much resemble your face.

Capricorn

(Dec 22 - Jan 20) Fuck me! Have you been eating eggs again? Jesus Christ,you’d think you might have kept that one to yourself,Your Majesty.

Aquarius

(Jan 21 - Feb 18) The stars offer you no help at all in the following weeks,as they are merely giant floating balls of gas and stone.

Pisces

(Feb19 - Mar 20) Now lookee here,suh,whilst I done gone explainin’ thisyer predicament - yo’ ass ain’t worth sheeit in this part o’ town,and that’s the truth.

Aries

(Mar 21 - Apr 20) An afternoon turns to tragedy when some hick tells you that yo’ ass ain’t worth sheeit in his part of town. Fear this hick,as he contains a deadly poison which he wil try and secrete into your spine.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Great news! A long-lost uncle has remembered you in his will. Let’s

hope you like cheese,as you’ll have three tons to get through.

Gemini

(May 22 - June 22) Mars and Venus are of little influence next week,as the gods throw dice over your fate. All is nearly lost as Odin chins Loki after an impressive run of double sixes.

Cancer

(June 22 - July 22) Fatty, fatty. Fatso,fat boy,rolling around on the floor,fatty fatso, fat. They might not be saying this now,but,given time,they sure as hell will.

Leo

(July 23 - Aug 23) WHOOO! WAAHHAHAH! I AM A GHOOOOOST! Ha! Bet that scared you,you pathetic,dingy-minded dimwit excuse for a person. And your mother.

Virgo

(Aug 24 - Sep 22) Your claims to be the lover of the Russian queen are not in dispute,however,your status as Russia’s greatest love machine is questionable.

Libra

(Sep 23 - Oct 22) The man in the back may well have said “everyone attack”,but that was no reason to turn it into a ballroom blitz. Now countless people are dead

for no real reason.

Scorpio

(Oct 23 - Nov 22) Your lucky colour of lilac draws you towards your spiritual godfather. Nevertheless,despite his prowess on the piano forte,you can’t help but feel that this was not Elton John’s calling in life.

Madame Cynthia offers no apology for her disappearance from these pages. She has far better things to do,like gun-running in Albania,or slaughtering things that are weaker and stupider than her.She will not enter into private correspondence,not least with the likes of you.