A Challenging Blessing

(U.S. Air Force photo by Senior Airman Jaeda Tookes)

Having children is a blessing. Having children while on active duty is a challenging blessing.

I had my first child four years into my military career. I decided I was going to get out of the military and be a stay at home mom. When it came time to officially make the decision to get out, the memory of telling myself I was going to serve 20 years and retire when I joined the military kept flooding my mind. I couldn’t allow myself to get out. I loved being at home with my son but I needed to be at work working! I was fortunate enough to have amazing leaders that cared about their Soldiers and understood the “new motHER” transition (Fort Sill is a pretty sweet assignment…I am from Oklahoma, so yes I am biased).

I didn’t want to be seen as one of the people at work that got out of everything because they had children. It is a stigma within the military and leaders seem to unknowingly cater to parents more than single Soldiers. I tried to ensure I pulled my weight within my organization – I was also blessed to have a support system close by. My family was always tHERe when I needed them (they lived 1 and 3 hours away).

About a year after giving birth to my first child, I was PCSing (Permanent Change of Station) for the first time. My husband received orders to Fort Bragg so I re-enlisted for Fort Bragg to ensure we were going to be togetHER. We had already decided to have two kids about two years apart, so as soon as we arrived at Fort Bragg we were pregnant with child number two. Being in a “field unit” I began to experience a different culture within the military. About four months after giving birth to my second child I was voluntold that I was going to deploy – in one week. I ended up deploying two weeks later due to my orders being incorrect.

My unit decided to deploy me to replace a Soldier in anotHER unit who was coming home for compassionate reassignment. I had already submitted my Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) packet and everyone within my organization knew I was going to ROTC. Two Soldiers within my unit, the same rank as me, volunteered to go, but I was told that I had the most experience to work by myself. My unit chose to deploy me despite all of that. I made it back in time to start ROTC in the fall but I had to fight like hell to get back.

After graduating from ROTC and commissioning, I went to the Financial Management Basic Officer Leader Course (FMBOLC) at Fort Jackson sans husband and children. During this time, my husband and I decided to get a divorce, tHERefore, I was going to be going to a new duty station as a single motHER of two very young children. I was scared! My first assignment as a new Lieutenant and I was going to be doing it alone.

Luckily, I received orders to Fort Drum! Yes, I said luckily! My motHER-in-law lived about four hours from Fort Drum. God blessed us because she was tHERe at the drop of a hat if I needed HER to watch/keep the boys for me. Every long weekend we were at HER house or she was at ours.

I PRETTY MUCH ROCKED IT!

I was able to enroll my children in on-post child care due to being a single motHER. I would normally get off work at a decent time to pick up my children but I felt like those with higHER rank than me, and sometimes even my peers, would judge me because I had to pick up my kids. One day my Commander told me he didn’t know how us single motHERs do it because when he goes home he sits down on the couch to relax after work while his wife does everything. He said being a single motHER in the military was like having two full-time jobs. I was glad that he understood what it was like but the atmospHERe within the unit wasn’t as understanding.

There were a few Soldiers and Leaders that understood. I gave my job my all and I gave my kids my all. I knew what I was getting into and I did what I had to do to ensure that I was successful and that my kids had a happy, healthy, loving home to grow up in. Not going to lie, I think I pretty much rocked it!

I deployed with my unit out of Fort Drum for nine months. My ex-husband and I agreed to let our children live with my motHER during my deployment. I was able to talk to my children every few days and FaceTime with them about once a week. I cHERished this time with them –I would wake up super early so I could catch them before they went to bed. When we redeployed I was driving with my motHER and children in the truck and my kids kept saying “mom, mom, mom”. I slowly looked over at my mom sitting in the passenger seat and realized they were talking to me. I am mom! I hadn’t been called mom much since I had been deployed – I almost had to pull over and cry.

(U.S. Air Force photo by Capt. Christopher Bowyer-Meeder)

Since September 11, 2001 over 300,000 women have deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq; 166 women have been killed during combat operations and more than 1,000 have been wounded. Moreover, more than 40% of military women have children, proving we can serve at home and at war.

After deployment, I attended Financial Management Captains Career Course (FMCCC) at Fort Jackson.. A few weeks after classes started I was struggling to find childcare. I would call my motHER and cry about it, I finally found someone to watch them temporarily but I knew it was a short-term fix and time was running out. My motHER and fatHER could move in with us to help out. Bonus, it was like having your very own husband and wife team at home – come home and the house is clean and dinner is cooked!

We all PCSed back to Fort Bragg after FMCCC. I have had many opportunities at Fort Bragg and served in many

After the IBCT, I was fortunate to be able to go to school to obtain my master’s degree at a local college. During this time, I was able to spend tons of quality time with my kids! From tHERe, I returned to the mighty 82nd Airborne Division, this time as a commander within the Sustainment Brigade. I had been looking forward to command time since ROTC. I finally had the opportunity to show Soldiers that tHERe are still good leaders out tHERe that actually care about them. I was able to ensure that all our Soldiers were taken care of, single parents, dual military with children, no children, it didn’t matter. I was home most nights for dinner. The BN commander was a mother of young children and expected us to make family a priority.

Now, my kids are older so it's a little easier to navigate all my responsibilities. I have been so blessed to have jobs, leaders, and a strong support system that have allowed me to be successful and a present motHER. It takes dedication and motivation to push through the hard times because tHERe are definitely hard times. We somehow just figure it out and persevere no matter the obstacles in our way, it’s what makes us who we are –strong, successful women in the military.

The best advice I can give is don’t give up, don’t be afraid to ask for help (tHERe are lots of genuine people out tHERe who want to help!), and fight for what you want. THERe will be times you have to be away from your children but kids are resilient. Set an example and show them how strong sHERoes can be!

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