January foolish times 2015

January 2015

This year I resolve to smile more....

Monthly Event Calendar » Pg 22

JUST DON’T MAKE ME MAD

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January 2015

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Even a

Doctor JOIN THE FUN

Needs a

Check Up R-L : Jenny, J.Lo, Jack, Mayor Rubio, Lisa, Ray, Pinto and Yolanda

New member ribbon cutting ceremony Googies Grill in Seaside

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January 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Monty Truitt, Henry Tunahuna

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

What a way to start the year. Someone I really cared about informed me she was moving on. I didn’t understand why. She has a great job and a big house with a lovely yard. She grew up here with lots of close friends and family. I asked why she was leaving all this behind.

She said that she wasn’t going anywhere. This confused me. She kept repeating that she was moving on and yet she wasn’t going anywhere. How could she be moving on? What I later found out was she was actually moving on in life without me.

I have no idea why she didn’t speak in a complete sentence. She is college educated and fluent in a few languages. Maybe that was all the information she needed to tell me because she mistakenly thought I took an advanced mind reading skills class and could finish the sentence without her speaking. The only thing I read these days is the sports section and Foolish Times. I guess she didn’t really know me.

Foolish Times is moving on…with you. That’s the way we roll. No confusion here. This year will bring new things mixed with the foolish old stuff to give you more opportunities to laugh. Chime in and let us know you’re there. We’re glad you’re with us and we’re happy to move on with you.

Happy New Year! It’s the year of the Green Wooden Sheep. I’m going to celebrate that.

I like sheep. They’re grazers. I’m a grazer. This year I’m going to graze through life … a little wandering here, a little meandering there. A few more greens in my diet. Maybe I’ll even buy a wool sweater in unity.

This month is the time to make these kinds of statements. We have a couple of writers this issue who take a look at resolutions in their lives and how they unfold. You’ll find them, squished between all the other foolishness in this issue.

Ok, resolutions aren’t foolish. I give myself a month to find my balance with the ones I’ve made.

I’ll be the bellwether of the herd; mosey along with us the next 12 months. We won’t hold you to any resolutions … except, of course, to laugh with us through the year.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

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January 2015

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FOOL CURB on the

While noodling around the pasta aisle at Grove Market in Pacific Grove, we asked:

1. What is the weirdest food you’ve ever eaten?

2. What do chickens think we taste like?

You Know You’re Old …

When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. They’ll never share them because they can’t remember them.

At my age, I don’t want to eat health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You can’t be young forever, but immaturity can last a life time.

I’m done with wild oats. Now I’m into prunes and All Bran.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

You know you’re getting old when you look in the mirror to shave and realize that the face you’re looking at is your father’s.

Isn’t it nice that wrinkles don’t hurt?

1. I guess it would be something that my Grandfather used to make called scrapple.

It had weird stuff in it like something was staring at you. You put syrup on it.

I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.

2. I don’t know. They eat dirt and rocks.

They think we taste like worms because we’re wet and mushy. I eat vegetables, they don’t taste like chicken.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

I knew the romance was gone when I drank champagne out of the old girl’s slipper and choked on a Dr. Scholl’s insert.

The paper sent a reporter to interview me on my 90th birthday. “What’s the secret to longevity?” he asked. “Simple,” I said. “Keep breathing.”

Kate

I knew I was getting bald because it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

Steve 1. I’m a pretty picky eater. Escargot would be strange to me.

2. We taste like rattle snakes, they taste like chicken. I always wanted to see a tattoo on a snake of a guy’s arm!

Al Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

1. Wow! I’ve eaten some weird stuff.

Maybe something in Hong Kong. I’ve eaten everything from wild alligators to buffalo.

One time we cooked up a bunch of toads.

2. Just another road kill. I have a great memory bank but I lost the key.

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January 2015

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WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

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January 2015

Money Mirth There are a lot of things more important than money, but you need money to buy them.

Mead was being interviewed for employment.

“What about your last job?” asked the personnel director.

I cleaned out the bank,” replied the young man.

“Janitor or president?”

A bank president was in conference with a store owner whose loan payments were delinquent.

“Business is terrible,” complained the merchant.

“Well, the President says that business is great,” argued the banker.

“Yeah,” nodded the shopkeeper sadly, “but he’s got a better location.”

After just a few weeks, a small restaurant went bankrupt. The owner placed this sign in the window: Returned to Lender - Opened

by Mistake.

A yuppie S&L officer was speeding along the highway in

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his new Mercedes when he missed a curve, flew over a cliff and totaled his car. A passing motorist found him mangled and bleeding.

“My Mercedes!” sobbed the banker. “My beautiful new car … my CD player … my cell phone!

Gone! All of them gone!”

“Good grief, man!” said the motorist. “How can you cry over a silly car when your left arm has been severed above the elbow!

The banker looked down. “My rolex!” he wailed, “my beautiful gold Rolex.”

Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, Treasury of Laughter.

Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality

by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.”

A. Twiggy B. Jackie Gleason 2. “To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.”

A. Bernard Baruch B. Miley Cyrus 3. “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”

A. Kurt Vonnegut B. Joe DiMaggio 4. “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”

A. Billy Graham B. Mae West 5. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. “ A. Mahatma Gandhi B. Will Rogers 6. “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.”

A. P.J. O’Rourke B. Socrates 7. “Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks-it says, ‘Goodbye.’”

A. Ulysses S. Grant B. Frank Sinatra 8. “New Year’s Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

A. Mark Twain B. Millard Fillmore Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-B 6-A 7-B 8-A

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Scoring: (number correct) 7-8 Chubby 5-6 Debonair 3-4-Omniscient 1-2- Ludicrous 0- Soggy Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

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January 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab

Mastering the mundane can be like grinding your al dente. You are so distinctively and superbly bored. Try using a new language such as Rig-a-toni in, Fuss-withan-ili, Cava-tappi-oca, Lag-alasa-gna, and in-Fedel-ini. Play around, sound out every syllable because there is a code in this New Year’s resolution for you called stick-to-itiveness. The glutinous matter will help.

A creaky gate makes music for a windy day. A dew point in a window tells of life inside. You cannot hide as a fence post when your chest heaves like an accordion. Belt out that rant, that rage, and roar to ratify your true voice. The light bulb in the sky lights your right to be. So be that lean mean NOISE-MAKER! You are Crabby after all.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion

At the stroke of midnight you are to enter the TAURUSSIC dark.

This ain’t no walk in the park for a poetic sort like you. You desire a detour into a bonfire of benevolence rather than entering uncharted emotional landscapes.

Make no bones about it, for you to gain security in this bright new year, your unbudging-ness will need a vast gas of pressure! No fudging this.

Sound the HORNS, you are needed!! (You so need to be needed...our little secret). The ingress to this NEW YEAR is completely blocked with last year’s debris and pastime-ago sundries.

Start dredging because the seas between you and a quantum leap are broad and roaring! Auld Lang Syne means old, long and dragging. Clearing the way will prove prosperous. Da Da Da Dahh!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin

The Perpetual student of life... aren’t you! Your extravaganza of questions are sputtering about like confetti. A tip toe from your theatre seat to the washroom, how many steps? The carpet design, is it a Bellini pattern? What temp for the corn to pop? The glazing on the glass door? Where is the followspot booth? This sublime turbulence can twine the twins into a menagerie that ends in fragments. Bara bing boom bah??

Out with the OLD. It’s a blowout version--everything goes!

Including the big huge ledger that measures all your losses and profits. Nope, no more fat wisdom checks, just pure frivolity of purposelessness. You will go mad for a while, but you will learn the most important thing ever… ever … figure it out.

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales A Frame Job is a tough streamer.

But ya turned the fraud knob on yourself! Here’s the fix pal, know yourself, by holding onto another’s

point of view … longer than 30 seconds would be grand. The evidence lies in the astounding mirroring effect. You’ll feel like you’re in Carnegie Hall with all the bells ringing a tune called: “You are for Real, dumbbell.”

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion PEEP through the spyhole and see this tuxedo night with it’s muses running up and down the slopes of the milky way against a black frozen winter sky. You are worthy of a new dimension, one of imagination and brightening ideals … sort of like the Twilight Zone but sexier and with crimson colors. Streaming straight up the leg of the new year looks very promising. Lose the garter belt.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer The SHAKES said, “We shall drink down all unkindness.”

Be it as it may a new year play, the balloons unhinged and are dancing ballet. So without further Adieu, a TOAST to the Archer of predictable inconsistencies. You may bow big to all your attendees, willing partners and stagehands whose loyalty went way beyond opening night-Hazzah!

By Bini smother you with a storm of daily snuggles. Happy New Year REBIRTH-day!

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Have you been wandering a weary foot from morning sun till dine?! Soak those slipper feet you contrary wild cherry. You will find that the password for humanity is not in them thar hills, but right here in this New Year’s chime. The philosophy is in the Merrymaking of our Foibles, with the same ol’ gathering of fools, all boibling about … and in case you forgot, your username is SCOUT! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Confetti get’s in your eyes PI. All who party too much are blind.

Paddling upstream cannot be denied. Here’s the Ad you will run: “I am so talented, charming and superior native of the tribal human. Must attain position in life to which my gifts entitle me.”

Creating fantasies is your job, here are some Pisces CEO role models to follow: Renoir, Chopin, Einstein, Caruso … onward and upriver!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat You showed them who’s boss and tore them a new aperture!

You won this round, but your lonesome and you’ve yet to wipe that spittle off your chin. Love yourself you tender vittle...grin.

Even if you need to turn your night CAP into an astringent, allow for the cuddly-wuddly affairs coming your way, to

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Life is like a box of chocolates. I ate them all. I don’t have a life.

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January 2015

TRUE BLUE

Hi my name is Blue and I’m almost three. My humans rescued me a lil’ over a year ago in Spokane, WA. I’m a lil’ sketchy, but mostly very handsome and a good, good boy. People stop me all the time on the streets. My eyes captivate many and no one can seem to guess what kind of a dog I am. Many people have said Husky, Akita, Wolf, Malamute, Pit Bull and some kinda Chi-nese dog.

Speaking of Chinese. They flock to me with cameras off of tour buses. It’s a trip, like the papa-razzi. Hachiko* must be in my blood line. I say one of a kind dog! Last of a rare breed. I haven’t seen another dog like me and my humans can’t find a picture of a dog like me on Google … what ever that is.

Enough with the introductions, I’m here today to talk about my love, or better said, tolerance of small dogs. What’s with small dogs anyways? My sister is a small dog with a small stomach. When our humans have snacks and treats for us I should get more.

Right?

I could eat her for lunch and should sometimes for as rude as she is.

After all I’m the big dog, but alas she always ends up with more. My humans will be handing me a snack and the lil’ terrorist, I mean Terrier, growls and barks,

www.foolishtimes.net then jumps up at me snarling and snatches it right outta my human’s hands, fingers barely in tact. I just look at my humans like, really?

The other thing I can’t figure out is how the heck she ends up with the prime living room and bedroom sitting and laying spots. She guards them and tries growling at me to keep me away.

Doesn’t she know that she is little and my teeth are much bigger … I could eat her for lunch and should sometimes for as rude as she is.

And what’s with all the yapping? She barks at everything … little dog barking, if you even con-sider that noise a bark. I’m looking around to see what’s up and, nothing. When I bark my humans know something’s up!

Trying to walk with her is impossible. She is small enough to walk under me and I swear she purposely tries to tie me up with her leash. Lil’ stinker, I should step on her. But alas I’m a good boy and I exercise patience and

tolerance for those below me, so if you see me on the streets or don’t worry I won’t thrash your rat, I mean your best friend, precious, emotional support animal,.

Thanks for reading.

–True Blue Interpreted by Blue’s human, Kristina McGarvey *Hachiko was an Akita dog that belonged to a professor at the University of Tokyo in the 1930s.

Don’t expect a ‘bless you’ after the fifth sneeze. Get it under control.

Join Us! A man runs to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My wife thinks she’s a chicken!”

The doctor asks, “How long has she had this condition?”

“Two years,” says the man.

“Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?” asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, “We needed the eggs.”

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How’s Your Football IQ?

by Henry Tunahuna For many years, colleges have taken heat for low admissions standards for football scholarship players and some colleges have even had brushes with the law.

Are college football players the new blonde joke?

What are the longest three years of a college football player’s life? Freshman I, II, and III. College football recruits don’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, their Verbal SAT scores indicate they don’t know

the meaning of most words.

What did the average college player get on his SATs? Barbecue sauce.

How many college freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? Unfair question. Light bulbs are a sophomore course for football players.

The coach is only going to dress half of his players for the next game. The other half have learned to dress themselves.

What is usually said to a college football player dressed in a threepiece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

If several college football players are in the same car, who is driving? A police officer.

Why did the college cornerback steal a police car? He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

Two college linemen were walking on a beach. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The

January 2015 other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

How did the college football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

A college player was almost killed when he fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the supermarket came out and unplugged the horse.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Coincidence?

I think not!

Importance of being

Bedelia BedBug belabors: “It’s been a long and shady turn ~ Capitalization is not what it’s all cracked up to be! Everyone for demselves, ya know. I used to have a nice pad, dem soft silky sheets. I can’t even get out of the tattered suitcase sometimes to stretch my segments because it’s always on to da next thing! A late night bite to eat used to be good enough and teh share it with my neighbors The Dustmites was da bomb! Everybody got a piece of da pie. Wha happened!?”

FOOLISH

When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

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January 2015

MEDITATION, the First Day

By Debbie Harris Ok, New Year’s resolution.

I’m going to do it. I’m going to meditate every day.

I’m seated in a modified lotus position, right leg in front of left, back straight, hands on lap. I’m ready. All I have to do is breathe and pay attention to my breath. Focus on the breath. The teacher says that anytime the mind wanders off just bring your attention back to the breath. Ok, here I go. Breathe in. Breathe out.

In … out … in …

I wonder if I should have a meditation cushion. I know some people use cushions to help keep the energy in the body and not let

it go into the floor. That’s what they say, anyway. I don’t know how true … Oh no, my mind wandered off. Back to the breath.

Breathe in. Breathe out. In … out … in … out …

Did I put my phone on silent?

That’s all I need is to get a phone call when I’m trying to meditate for the first ti … Man, I did it again. The breath, remember?

Breathe in. Breathe out. In … out … in … out …

I’m starting to get hungry.

I wonder what I can eat for dinner. I don’t want to have to go to the store. I think I have some leftover chicken from my

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

www.foolishtimes.net dinner with Charlotte. Boy, that was awkward. I didn’t realize she was such a preachy vegan. She didn’t have to make squawking noises every time I bit into the chicken. And she certainly didn’t have to name my food. I’m pretty sure there’s never been a chicken named Guinevere. Oh no, a mosquito buzzing around me while I’m trying to medita … Crap!

I’m supposed to be meditating.

Back to the breath. Breathe in.

Breathe out. In … out … in … out …

That’s all I need is to get a phone call when I’m trying to meditate for the first ti . . .

What should I get Ellen for her birthday? She has everything anyone could ever want. Shopping is in her DNA. What does DNA stand for? I knew that. Dioxiribo nucleic acid. Was that it? I know we learned that in biology in high school from Miss Ranoni.

She became Mrs. O’Malley right before Christmas and then started to really look pregnant in the new year. Her child should at least be in his/her 30s by now. I wonder if he or she went to the same high school where her mother taught.

That school sure is old. We used to say that the only thing that kept the walls up was that the termites

held hands. I think my shed still has termites. The treatment didn’t get rid of them completely even after it was treated a few years ago … Hey, you’re meditating, remember? Get back to it. Maybe if I try a mantra.

Breathe in—OM. Breathe out— OM. In—OM. Out—OM My son’s initials are OMM; that’s OM with an extra Mmm. OM I did set the timer, didn’t I? It was for 10 minutes. Did I forget to press “start?” Should I go check?

NO! Stay put … Breathe—OM … in … out.

Do I hear the cat scratching on the sofa again? Damn! I have to remember to put some plastic tape on those spots so she’ll leave it alone. Of course, she’ll just move her clawing to someplace else.

RING!! Big breath in and out!

Well, that was refreshing! Just 364 more days to go. Or 365 if it’s leap year. No, that comes only during even numbered years, but not every even numbered year …

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT COULDN’T GET ANY BETTER...

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January 2015

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January 2015

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How abut the blonde who got an a.m. radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Why do blondes have more fun?

They are so very easy to keep amused.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday!

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Hear about the blonde explorer?

She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like heck, she’s got the grenade in her mouth!

Why don’t blondes ever double recipes?

The oven temperature doesn’t go up to 700 degrees.

Why did the blonde take her new scarf back to the store?

It was too tight.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

Why did the blonde smell good only on her right side?

She didn’t know where to buy Left Guard.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

What does a postcard from a blond’s vacation say?

Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three-and-onehalf days?

It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say “hi.”

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Why can’t blondes put in lightbulbs?

They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

Because the can said “concentrate.”

What did the blonde get on her SAT? Nail polish.

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January 2015 temporarily storing the waste pending creation of a permanent nuclear waste storage site.

Latest Religious Messages

By Chuck Shepherd

Lead Story Gigadollars and Cents In April, Anton Purisima filed a claim in Federal District Court in New York City that the Lowering The Bar blog calculated was for the largest monetary demand ever made in a lawsuit—“$2,000 decillion” (or 2 followed by 36 zeroes, which of course is many times more money than exists on planet Earth). Purisima’s lawsuit names Au Bon Pain, Carepoint Health, Kmart, the New York City Transit Authority and LaGuardia Airport among the parties allegedly causing him so much distress (by fraud, civil rights violations and even “attempted murder”). Lowering The Bar also noted that “$2,000 decillion” could also have been accurately nominated as “$2 undecillion” or even “two octillion gigadollars.”

The Continuing Crisis Only in Florida (1) Calvin Rodriguez was arrested in Port St. Lucie, Florida, in May as the man who had been using a shaved key to steal a series of cars from parking lots. His spree came to an abrupt halt as he sped away from police in a stolen Honda Civic only to crash into a huge alligator in the road.

(2) On May 1st, a wildlife trapper called to Pine View School in Osprey, Florida, south of Sarasota, removed four alligators (one of which was 8 feet long) from the campus while classes were in session (but without disruption).

(3) Beachcombers in the Gulf of Mexico town of Redington Beach, Florida, were treated on May 17th to the sight of a full-grown elephant treading water about 20 yards offshore. (The animal had made its way to the water after being unloaded for a commercial birthday party appearance.)

Democracy in Action (1) During a regional session of Spain’s parliament in February, a photographer from the newspaper El Diario Montanes captured a shot of legislator Miguel Angel Revilla looking at a picture of a nude woman (in a magazine otherwise concealed inside a folder). (He explained later that he was of course just reading the articles.)

(2) In May, U.S. Rep. Joe Garcia of Florida was captured on a C-SPAN camera during a House Judiciary Committee hearing casually eating his earwax. In the sequence, described on a Time magazine blog, he dug into his ear, inspected the results, placed them in mouth, then went “back for seconds.” (Rep. Garcia explained later that he was actually dealing with a “hangnail.”)

One of the leading theories as to the cause of a radiation leak at a nuclear waste dump near Carlsbad, New Mexico, in February is the facility’s recent, unanticipated switch to “organic” kitty litter. Previously, an inorganic variety had been used to absorb liquid in the waste drums shipped to the facility from bombmaking plants that had been

In April, India’s Delhi High Court judges declined to halt the local government’s program of posting pictures of deities on the walls of buildings in order to discourage public urination (that surely no one would soil his lord). The plaintiffs pointed out that the campaign was so clearly ineffective that perhaps the deities’ images were even making the problem worse— that “evidence” so far shows that confronting the images might even compel some people to relieve the “pressure on the bladder.”

An unnamed 60-year-old Buddhist monk was arrested in Nantou County, Taiwan, in April after a convenience-store manager said he was caught red-handed swiping packets of beef jerky. “I don’t know why,” he told police, “but lately I had this craving for meat.” He also had trouble with honesty, initially denying his guilt before finally confessing to the officer that “I have let Lord Buddha down.”

(Buddhists traditionally are strict vegetarians.)

Fine Points in the Law: The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals ruled in 2013 that it was not necessarily illegal for teachers to send students sexually oriented text messages—that the state law banning the practice violated “free speech.” As a result, in February 2014, prosecutors in Tarrant County dropped their case against a junior-high teacher who had exchanged 688 text messages with a 13-year-old female student over a six-day period in 2012, on topics such as “sexual preferences and fantasies” and whether either of

15

them ever walked naked around the house. The messages would be illegal, the Court had ruled, only if they led to a meeting or an offer of sex.

Despite a 1971 decision by the U.S. Supreme Court declaring that governments could not punish people who are merely “annoying,” dozens of towns (according to a March Wall Street Journal report) continue to regard the behavior as criminal. (The justices decided the word is too “vague” to give fair warning of which behaviors are illegal, but an Indiana deputy attorney general told the Journal that anyone with “ordinary intelligence” knows what is annoying.) New York has such a law, as do Lawrence, Massachusetts, and Cumberland, Maryland—among the 5,000 mentions of forms of “to annoy” in a computer search of municipal ordinances. (Britain’s House of Lords in January blocked a proposed anti-annoyance law.)

Among the discretionary punishments authorized to Georgia judges is banishing an offender from the county in which he committed the crime.

Complained driver Ricardo Riley (who as of February is barred from Walton County), “I didn’t commit no murder, I’m not a sex offender, I’m not a criminal. I just got a speeding ticket.” Judge Brad Brownlow, perhaps irritated at Riley’s request to reduce the original $250 fine, instead piled on punishments—including banishment. Walton County is just outside the Atlanta metro area, and Riley, from adjacent Gwinnett County, has friends and co-workers who live in Walton— but whom he can no longer visit.

Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed

by Universal UCLICK, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

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January 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

Waiting for

" The Big One"

By Ted Gargiulo A friend from back East emailed me several years ago: “Hearing more about that big earthquake predicted to come to the West Coast. Keep thinking about you guys when I do. Are you at all concerned? Enough to move?”

That was pretty much the same question I had asked my dad after the Loma Prieta quake struck in 1989. My wife and I were living in Maryland at the time, and California was still in the planning stages. When I saw the quake on the news, I freaked.

Figured I’d have to be insane to relocate to an area that was so volatile and unstable.

My dad and his family had resided in Monterey since 1972.

First thing I did, once the phone lines were operational again, was to see if everyone was okay.

Seems they’d been shaken up a bit and had lost power for two days; otherwise, nothing too serious on their end. (The surrounding areas were hit worse.) Still, I couldn’t help asking, “Aren’t you afraid to continue living in California?

Think you’ll move?”

His answer was a resounding Nahhh! Said he was perfectly at home where he was and had no

intention of leaving. The threat of an earthquake was something one learned to live with. I told him I was considering putting in for a job transfer to the Peninsula … for Jann’s health. He said, “By all means, go for it!”

“But I’m afraid now because of the recent quake.”

He said, “Don’t be. There are dangers everywhere. If something’s going to happen to you, it’ll happen wherever you are.”

I knew he was right. Years earlier, when I lived in NYC, outof-towners would ask me, “Aren’t you afraid of the crime? Afraid to walk the streets at night?” My response then was the same as my Dad’s: “This is my home.”

And that’s exactly what I told our friend back East regarding California. Besides, think of how many seismic disasters we haven’t experienced since we’ve been here.

Terrors always seem more terrifying to an outsider. Part of making a place one’s home is learning to embrace those dangers and unpleasantries. Just as I once refused to let the fear of being mugged cramp my freedom back

in New York, I now can’t imagine taking those same risks today.

Why? Because I’m not in that situation anymore.

Since 1990, Jann and I have made California’s Central Coast our home. Occasional tremors notwithstanding, we love the area and wouldn’t dream of living anywhere else. We’re not brave, simply resigned

Figured I’d have to be insane to relocate to an area that was so volatile and unstable.

extreme weather all over the country. And violence. Planes fall from the sky and kill people.

Cars go out of control and kill people. People go out of control and kill each other. Forget Asia— they’ve got tsunamis and cyclones there. Africa? There’s famine and disease there, and tribal warfare.

I understand there’s hardly any crime or political strife in Antarctica. But your heating bill’s gonna be outrageous, jobs are scarce and cable reception sucks.

Me? I’m staying right here, enjoying my life … and waiting for that Big One.

Like my Dad used to say, “Where ya gonna go, little boy?”

There isn’t a safe place anywhere on this planet. You’ve got hurricanes back East, tornados in the Midwest, flash floods, wild fires, civic emergencies and

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I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

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January 2015

Lyin’ Lipo

By Rosie Sorenson

Q. How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?

A. There are footprints in the butter.

Q. Why doesn’t the elephant use a computer?

A. Because it is afraid of the mouse!

Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?

A. Time to fix the fence!

Q. What’s grey and goes round and round?

A. An elephant in a washing machine!

Q. What’s big and grey and has 16 wheels?

A. An elephant on roller skates!

Q. Why do elephants need trunks?

A. Because they don’t have glove compartments!

Q. How does an elephant put his trunk in a crocodile’s mouth?

A. VERY carefully!

Q. What did the banana say to the elephant?

A. Nothing. Bananas can’t talk silly!

Q. What do elephants do in the evenings?

A. Watch elevision!

In the past few weeks, we’ve been subjected to extreme depictions of female beauty as represented by Keira Knightely and Kim Kardashian. Everyone knows by now that Keira, fed up with being airbrushed by the media, posed topless and demanded no Photo-shopping.

“Here I am,” she seemed to say.

“Deal with it.” As if her slim figure represented some kind of controversy, some outlier of femininity that needed to be “dealt with.”

Next up, Kim Kardashian, whose butt occupies its own zip code. A magazine featured a photo spread of her, oiled up, naked, and with God knows how much Photo-shopping applied.

The picture, she said, has made her feel more “confident.” Oh, snap. No college degree for this girl, no siree! Forget about that book learnin’―pumped up boobs and butt is all a girl needs to feel “confident.” Oh, double snap!

It’s not new to notice that our culture is ca-razy when it comes to women’s bodies― probably always has been, but it seems more perverted now than ever. Women are caught in a slipstream of sexism that vacuums up their thoughts, actions, and self-esteem in a way that neatly bypasses men.

Men are not subjected to the daily, hourly hammering of their self-image. Just imagine if men had to bob and weave and skirt and deal with full frontal scrutiny, criticism, contempt and downright hatred―their productivity would suffer accordingly.

As much as we rail, though, who among us is immune to all the images of surgically enhanced “beauty” that bombard us every day? Not me. I admit to feeling the inexorable pull toward Botoxlandia. Will I be able to resist?

Fifteen years ago, I decided to have liposuction. I simply had to do something about my saddlebags―you know, those wobbly bits protruding from your upper outer thighs? In retrospect, I realize they weren’t all that big, but I had lasered in on them like a heat-seeking missile, an enemy to be obliterated.

I scheduled a consult with a famous San Francisco dermatologist-cum-cosmetic surgeon who made frequent appearances on TV talk shows to tout his talent. He led me into a very cold exam room, ordered me to undress and to stand naked in front of a white screen. He whipped out his magic marker and drew lines around places on my body he thought needed work.

When he completed his drawings, he snapped a few Polaroids and handed me the photos of my front, back and sides. I glanced at them, horrified, at his handiwork. I’d been transformed into a trembling bovine, my body parts readied for market: here’s the sirloin, here’s the rack of ribs, here’s the rump roast!

I donned my clothes and hurried away from this overeager scalpel of a man, my hand clutching the outrageous cost estimate for allowing him to have his way with my thighs, butt and tummy. What I did instead was lose 15 pounds and exercise more.

17

Now that I’m older and some fleshy stuff is relocating to a more southern hemisphere, I realize that if I had succumbed to his treatment plan, my lower body might be mistaken for that of a 10-year-old boy.

Men are not subjected to the daily, hourly hammering of their self-image.

Several years after that humiliation, I learned the doc had lost his license because, during an eyeliner tattooing procedure, he stabbed a young woman in the eye and left her half-blind. Oh, triple snap.

But, have I learned my lesson?

The siren call of Botox, with its easy-peasy promise of removing that pesky cross look of furrowed flesh between my eyes is getting louder and louder. I mean, who wants to look mad all the time when you’re not?

Stay tuned.

Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury News, and others. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition for 2007 and is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck website. Her essays have been broadcast on KQED-FM, the popular San Francisco NPR affiliate, in its “Perspectives” series. In 2006, she won its Listener Favorite Award.

Her new book, Humor Me, a collection of her most popular humor columns, is available on Amazon.com.

Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

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January 2015

www.foolishtimes.net roots and stems and you will absorb them.

By Lily Brun

Down the Garden Path Not much happening in my garden in January. It’s not cold enough yet to freeze, but it’s not warm enough for much to grow.

A few straggly carrots, some horseradish and a couple of fennel bulbs I haven’t yanked yet are about it.

The greenhouse is where the action is happening. Buried in a few inches of peat moss and percolite are this year’s seeds: thinking, plotting, resolved to be the best plants they can be if only given the chance.

I think about plants in a strange way. I admit it. No shame attached to that statement. I want my tomatoes and zucchini and rhubarb to grow big and strong, to thrive, to be productive - the same things I wanted for my children.

It’s not so different, right?

So, in the spirit of transference, albeit to an inanimate as opposed to animate being, here are some New Year’s resolution to my burgeoning seeds: 1) I promise to water; no parsimony this year. The drought has hit California gardens hard.

It’s been raining lately, so taking a page from the pack rat, I’ve got

water tucked away in buckets, cisterns, rain barrels, old jugs and bathtubs. Mark Twain said, “Whiskey is for drinking, water is for fighting.” It’s a battle out there, but I’m winning.

2) I promise to keep the compost flowing. It’s great for soil; all the vegetable scrapings, apple cores, egg shells, coffee grounds, grass clippings and smidgens of chicken manure build strong roots. I’m shooting for a chance at being the next Wheaties’ box icon.

I’m shooting for a chance at being the next Wheaties’ box icon.

3) I promise to give each plant its own personal space. No crowding.

Room with a view; open door policy, however. No playing video games all night … hmmm, that’s not right. Too much transference!

4) I promise fertility; well, no, I promise to fertilize. Nitrogen, potassium, phosphorous - the granola of the plant world. These are the building blocks for strong

Darn, I didn’t make it to the gym today.

That makes 5 years in a row...

5) I promise lots of sunshine.

Oh, this is a stretch. How about I promise not to stand in your sunshine, to let the hard work of photosynthesis happen unencumbered. Reach for the sun, babies, reach for the sun.

time you need to grow. The season is short, thought, so make haste … no pressure, but I’ve got pickles and jams to make.

There it is. My declaration for the year ahead. A manifesto to live … and grow … by. I’m going to Podcast this and pipe it into the greenhouse. It couldn’t hurt.

6) I promise an environment of fresh, clean air. No belching tractor fumes or burn pile smolderings fouling the air - take a deep yoga breath and be at one with the world around you.

Namaste.

7) I promise to keep you cool in the heat and warm in the cold.

Frost blankets stand ready for the winter ahead; a cooling mist system in place for the hot summer months.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, but when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

8) I promise to give you all the

January is a month of historical firsts.

Answers on pg 21

Emancipation Ellis Castro Watergate Euro Betsy Ross Kennedy Sarcophagus Braille Gandhi Chekhov Prohibition Liliuokalani Coast Guard Wonderland Mozart Transcontinental Gold Pueblo Concorde

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January 2015

Hibernating in January

By Richard Matranga

There is a reason you don’t hear crickets in January.* There is a certain, austere, stark and cold feeling that “worms” its way into my soul every year tight on the heels of Christmas. It’s wrapped in the month of January. When I open the box, it is empty.

What transpires during the month immediately preceding, no doubt, plays a major role in this lack of focus, and the resulting failure to see what the box does contain.

Evidently, I am not treading virgin ground. The ancient Romans made an effort to ignore this special time of year. They didn’t even include it in their famous calendar for centuries. It’s like they instinctively knew that the period of time after December and just before March was to be set aside for … “nothing.”

After a month of partying, giving, receiving and reconnecting with those who are important to me, I am “spent,” in every sense of the word.

Writing for myself, I will confess to taking part in the traditional excess … I spend more money than I have, eat more food than three training Sumo wrestlers, and consume more wine in one month than an 80-year-old Frenchman imbibes during a lifetime.

It should come as no surprise that I have a raging case of the “blues.” I am reflecting on my choices. I could give up on the human race and fall on one of

the new knives I bought my girl for Christmas. That would be dramatic, but statistics show that January, contrary to popular belief, is not the leading

I spend more money than I have, eat more food than three training Sumo wrestlers month “die-icide.” Besides, I am just too damned depressed to expend that kind of energy.

I could do nothing. Just pay silent homage to the genius who obviously borrowed the idea from hibernating species and invented January … a month to repair at least some of the damage incurred over the past year, to pause, take a deep breath and reenter the battle.

Opening the box and seeing “nothing” may be the best gift of all … if used wisely.

I would pose a toast to that but I made a New Year’s resolution to quit drinking. *Limited to readers in the northern hemisphere.

Hap p y Trails

by Rex Keyes So it’s January and you survived all the changes over the past two months of holidays. Thanksgiving was virtually wiped off the face of the earth with Christmas shopping starting way before Thanksgiving and Black Friday starting around 5 pm on Thanksgiving Day. To eat that turkey dinner you would have to be done eating, jump in the car and be down to the mall by 4 pm in order to get a good place in line.

Ah yes, another tradition blown away in order to get a good deal on that 55 inch TV, a phone pad or some other electronic device.

Cross-country skiing is basically hiking except you get to go downhill without any effort.

Ok, so Christmas was great and you had a good time during the holidays. Well, now it’s January 2015 and with the big storms and snow, the ski season is upon us.

Even if you don’t ski, you can still toboggan or sled or get one of those plastic round dishes with the rope handles on them and have fun in the snow. And there is cross-country skiing. Crosscountry skiing is basically hiking except you get to go downhill without any effort. The best way to cross country ski is to carry a knapsack and some provisions like food and water. Some people carry a bottle of wine, French bread, Camembert cheese, sliced ham and Dijon mustard and park their bodies along a part of the

19

to Y OU trail that is scenic and enjoy a good lunch. But I hear they only do that in Anchorage, Alaska and not in the lower 48.

Cross-country skiing in the lower 48 is mostly for health fanatics who eat organic and health foods, have rosy red cheeks and virtually never stop on the trails. They are sort of like joggers and runners. In Alaska, the locals can spot them a mile off when they come to visit and use the trails. The cross-country experience is a little different in Alaska where the summer hiking trails become cross-country trails in winter. In a park in downtown Anchorage we came around a corner only to see a mother moose with her baby calf. Of course we immediately froze. The one thing we didn’t want to do was make that mother think that we were a threat and that she had to protect her calf. She saw us and slowly sauntered off into the woods.

While it was a beautiful sight, it was also a close call.

Here are a couple of more tips when cross-country skiing. On trails that you have to return on, pick a trail that goes uphill most of the time because when you get tired and turn around for the return trip then it will be mostly downhill and relaxing. Always carry a knapsack, that way if the sun is out and you get hot, you can store your coat in it. Wear at least 50 percent wool socks. They will keep your feet warm even if they get wet from the snow. And most of all, after you ski, find a hot tub or Jacuzzi to relax in and you will enter the realm of Nirvana and sleep like a log or a baby or a ton of bricks that night.

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January 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

I did. Say. That!

Our resident stand-up comic sounds off: - I am Mexican and I am a woman. No, I would not like to live in the past century. I read history.

- If you would like to make a vegetarian or vegan angry tell them you used to be a vegetarian but decided to stop depriving yourself from delicious meat. I help the environment by eating the polluting cow.

- I asked my husband what he wanted for breakfast. He said surprise me. So I didn’t cook anything. He was surprised.

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

- I forget my husband is Jewish because he is not in show business. So far his biggest production has been our daughter.

- They advise you to not go grocery shopping while hungry.

Nobody told me not go to the liquor store when I am emotional.

- I lived in the Japan for four years. I used to go to restaurants where I had to write my name down. I used go by Arlene Rollins.

Kanpai!

- Men say women aren’t funny.

Pft! Men are dumb. Wait, I apologize that was sexist. Sexism is wrong. Being wrong is for men.

- My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

I was enjoying lunch in Oldtown Salinas when I suddenly realized I needed to pass gas (fart). The music was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished eating and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Submitted by a medical assistant who will start packing her lunch to eat in the break room.

- I read a sign that said, “Kids eat for free.” Duh! Kids always eat for free. They don’t have jobs.

- Every day is hump day, if you are a camel.

- You look like Lady Gaga without the make-up. Sure, that can be a compliment.

- I don’t like to live in the past. I don’t post throwback Thursday pictures.

- Au contraire of popular belief: Female dogs are loyal.

- A beer I was drinking had made with hand-picked apples on the label. Anything is hand-picked if you put it down for a minute.

Picked up by whom?

- I did not celebrate Dog Day. My dog does not own a calendar.

- Viagra offers home delivery services. Do not tip the driver.

- I am goal oriented. When I play soccer.

- Nothings says I love you like #iloveyou.

- Dear celebrities asking me to donate to charity: perhaps you can spot me on this one? I did not get paid $15 million dollars to make a movie.

- Facebook was down the other day: It selfie-destruct!

The Riotous

RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

New Year’s Resolution The year to be Will set you free Lose that weight And you’ll look great ’Tis a worthy New Year’s Resolution To dispose of adipose pollution But since a box of See’s is handy First let’s have another candy.

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

www.foolishtimes.net

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 10

January 2015 A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

21

Foolish Search

Answers from page 18

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Is it running slow?

Does it have a virus?

Just give us a call By the way, diagnostic is always FREE (831) 224-2905

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HANDYMAN Bob

CONSTRUCTION Uchida Construction

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DOG SITTING & WALKING

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10th Street Ceramics

Start the year with a fun project.

Ready to paint. All ages Walk-ins welcome 1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com

bluescreenmonterey.com

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

WRITING WORKSHOPS

DONUTS

Award winning author can help you find your inner writing voice.

All levels welcome 831.250.5171 creativebookconcepts.com

Red’s Donuts wholesale division is accepting new locations to vend. Boost your sales with the finest and freshest donuts.

Also available for fundraising.

831.236.0390 redsdonuts.com

AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium

Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff.

831.372.3474

theultimateaquarium.net

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

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January 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

January in Monterey County is a time to lick our credit card wounds and get ready for spring.

Enjoy the quiet before the storm of visitors by taking a walk on the beach, witness a sunset or spelunking at The Pinnacles.

January 16-18 January 1

Happy New Year Every Friday & Saturday In January

Big Sur Forager Festival

A celebration of wild food with world class wine and beer.

Friendly chef competition and expert led foraging hikes. bigsurforagersfestival.org

January 21

National Hugging Day

Started in 1986 to give and get one back. Hugs are loving.

Hugs are therapeutic.

Hugs make us all feel good.

January 27

Thomas Crapper Day

The name says it all.

He invented the flush toilet.

Planet Gemini

Featuring local & nationally touring headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com January 13

Laughin@ The Blue Fin

Headliner and up and coming Cody Woods along with Matt Gubser will make you laugh until it hurts. Hosted by Seaside’s vey own Cory Robinson. www.bluefinbilliards.com January 15-19

Monterey Swingfest

Back for the 22 year featuring professional and amateur swing dancers. Workshops and instructions on how to dance. centralcoastswingdance.com

January 31 January 24

Beer Can Appreciate Day

January 17th

Champions of the Arts

10th anniversary. A special night honoring Phillip Glass and others for their local contribution to the arts. A must attend event www.arts4mc.org

Beer was first sold in cans this day in 1935. There is nothing finer than an ice cold can of beer on a hot day.

January 17

Kathleen Madigan

A 25-year career of one nighters and club gigs, to theaters, to headlining the Mirage in Las Vegas. Madigan Again is one of iTunes Best Comedy Album of 2013. What’s an album? www.sunsetcenter.org

January 24-25

Whalefest Monterey

Family friendly event featuring an array of ocean related activities. Walk through a 60 foot model Humpback whale. www.montereywharf.com

Lindsey Stirling

Stretching the boundaries of her electric violin, she has 97 million Utube views and sold 350,000 albums without the backing of a major label. goldenstatetheatre.com

January 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

SPCA Benefit Shop

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

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John's Consignment & Home Decore

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Second Chance

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Branches Resale Shoppe

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NCI Affiliates, Inc.

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110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899

RESALE

www.nciaffiliates.org

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TRAIL

Ash Resale – Finders Keepers

8495a N. Prundale Rd Prunedale 831.663.3622 www.finderskeepersresale.com

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

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105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

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Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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Featured Shop Joining Hands is offering special sale incentives: Monday: Military Day: 25% off for active, retired & dependents. Tuesday: Senior Day: 25% off for Seniors (55 & over). Wednesday: BOGO 40% off second item (equal or less value). The benefit shops raise money for homelessness prevention in Monterey County.