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December 2019


2 California State Parks & Monterey State Historic Park Association Present

THE 36TH ANNUAL

CHRISTMAS in the

ADOBES

December 13-14th 5-9PM Adults $25 // Two Night Gold Pass $40 Youth $2 // Children five & under free Tickets available at Custom House (Across from Fisherman’s Wharf) Open daily 10-4pm Online: www.mshpa.org MSHPA supports State Park Projects & Children’s Educational Field Trips Angel image by Erica Franke 1957, courtesy of City of Monterey

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead................................Stevie P. Editor at Large..................................Javlis Art Fool...............................Mama Morgan Social Media Fool.............................Jordo Web Fool..........................................Zachy Sales Fool.....................................Michael Cover Art By Chuck Scardina Illustrated By Morgan Mecham

Contributors

Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Nancy Pyzel, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett

The Chucklehead Speaks Have you been good all year? Has anyone ever been good all year? This guy Santa Clause is making a list, checking it twice. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or nice. Who does he think he is; Google or Facebook? Santa wasn’t the first in invade our privacy and he isn’t the last. His method of collecting data on us seems prehistoric by today’s standards. Facebook users send on average of 31.25 million messages and view 2.77 million videos every minute. Smart phones have sensors capable of collecting all kinds of data, not to mention the data the users create themselves. The big data and analytics market will be worth $103 billion by 2023. I work a lot and have a limited social life. A person who tolerates my schedule calls me her statistically significant other because by her analysis, I spent more time with her than anyone else. Her data is skewed and her methodology is as off kilter as I am after a few beers. She has graphs that show trending

for different times of the year. I’m not exactly peeking this month. Let’s face it, they got us right where it counts, our privacy. If you think you can get way with something because no one is looking, get over yourself. Either a hidden camera or your phone knows where you are and what you are up to. If you think that closing the door to the bathroom is your only sanctuary for privacy, you are very mistaken. I give up, I surrender. I decided to take the first step in showing I don’t care anymore. I’m not sure the folks in line for their morning cup of coffee at Starbucks felt the same way when they saw me sitting on the toilet with the bathroom door open. Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Christmas and Happy Kwanzaa. That’s a lot of happy. Let keep that spirit going in the New Year.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Cartoonists

Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt

Foolish Times • P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net


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By Mary Tompsett

DILLIGS !?

Broken Cookies and a Glamour Photo

“All representatives are busy. Your current wait time is... (pause)...there are no other calls ahead of you.” Wow! At this surprising message, I dropped a stitch in the heavy wool cozy I was knitting for my car battery. But no one picked up the call. I heard silence, with no background music for comfort, not so much as a frail bell choir performing Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” To pass the time, I pictured the so-called “busy” reps: (1) Chloe, oblivious to the blinking console, hunches over the last donut, picking off stale sprinkles with a paper clip; (2) Sam, now Samantha, has ducked into the break room to reapply lipstick, using his reflection on the toaster oven; and (3) Megan, a passive-aggressive linguist, ignores all calls while practicing the unintelligible Welsh accent that makes her job such a hoot. Inspired by these imaginary examples of self-care and initiative, I welcome you to DILLIGS!? (“Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t!?”)

QUESTION: I need some tasty cookies to serve at our holiday party. Suggestions? DILLIGS: Here’s a simple way to blend tradition with a memorable presentation. Bake and decorate some cutout cookie Santas, snowmen, and reindeer, and then break off a few heads, legs and arms. Dig out last year’s gingerbread house from the basement. And for a fresh look, be sure to touch up the house parts nibbled by mice. Scatter the cookie body parts around the house, and add splashes of red frosting. Voila! A festive display not generally featured in glossy magazines restricted to good taste. QUESTION: Why are young guys still duck-walking around in low-slung pants? DILLIGS: Sorry, babes, no clue. The temperature here often hugs zero yet I saw a guy waddling along with a full moon of underwear exposed to the elements and endangering our retinas. Be of good cheer, O holiday carolers! Ye aren’t the only ones sporting rosy cheeks! Seriously, guys: Frostbutt can result in amputation, so don’t be an assicle.

When someone asks, “Where is your Holiday spirit?” Is it OK to point to your liquor cabinet?

QUESTION: I’d like to send photo postcards this Christmas. Is that too snobby? DILLIGS: Only if you’re gorgeous, rich, and bobbing in the Pacific with dolphins. For average peasants like yourself, it’s fine. Your friends will love you no matter what and, yes, envious coworkers might mock you. But the world needs laughter, so get over it. Enough about you. I too have a great photo that I’m eager to send out this year. More personal than a studio shot, it was snapped by my helmet cam while spelunking in an Amazon cave. The spectacular color of the tunnel ahead highlights glistening stalactites and

stalagmites. So that’s the scene. Right. The photo is actually from my last colonoscopy. The Motor Vehicle people stubbornly refused to put it on my license. I know. If anyone needs a grin, they do. But I wonder, should I do a mass holiday mailing at bulk postal rates, or is writing about the idea here enough of a giggle? Time will tell, so check back in January. There are no other calls ahead of you. © 2019

When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.


7

By Bini


8

TRADITIONS

By Jann Gargiulo

There is no better time of the year than Christmas to see the demonstration of many traditions. We have church traditions, community traditions, and school traditions (we’ve all seen those cameras clicking lights when the “precious one” comes up to preform). And then there are Family traditions! I agree that there aren’t many homes with those “Hallmark Moments”, I speak that to our shame, but really how bad were those times? What makes a tradition bad or good? First, what’s the difference between a custom and a tradition? We want to get them straight, right? A Custom is “a usage common to many of a particular place or group of people”. A Tradition is the “transmission of a custom from generation to generation”.*Bah Humbug! It’s like an older brother (tradition) using his little sister (custom) to get things done, all the time! Like his English homework. Here are some familiar traditions in this country: Christmas Stockings: Some put small gifts in the stockings, others fill them with candy, some people have spent so much money on their family’s stockings that no one is even allowed to touch them! The big gifts are for under the tree some say, and little gifts in the stockings. We were farmers and poor so we had an apple in the toe of a REAL sock, then mixed nuts in shells, then an orange in the heal, then candy and a tangerine and a candy cane on top. It worked for us! We

carried it on to our children. Christmas Cards: They used to be a tradition but email and social media have put a damper on that! Still, some of us still send cards. However the cards sent have changed. Now we get cards seeing the whole family in matching pj’s; or mom and dad sitting in a chair so comfy with the kids taped to the wall! I saw a card recently that had scarves tied around the kids mouths and “SILENT NIGHT all is bright” on the side of the card. I think that’s funny! But the one I kept going back to was the family card which showed all the chaos of trying to take the perfect Christmas picture. Trying to get everyone smiling at the camera at the same time; trying to keep the kids clean long enough to take that picture. So this family showed the truth. So funny! Go online and look for “Stanley Family Photo”. When you get there you can see every year that they have done this--my favorite is 2016.

Trying to get everyone smiling at the camera at the same time; trying to keep the kids clean long enough to take that picture. And of course The Christmas Tree! Do you get a real tree, if so what kind? Do you get a Blue Spruce, Balsam Fir, Scotch Pine or maybe a fresh Fraser Fir? Then you have to figure size, how many, the care, placement, what are we going to do with the chair where we will be putting

the tree? Woo that’s too much for me!  Besides, I’m allergic to all of them!   That brings us to artificial trees! Calm down. They aren’t for everybody. But some of us have to have this kind of tree or none at all. (I tried that one year and I hated it!) I like my tree. It looks real after all the ornaments are on. But, here’s what I do because I’m getting too old for all this decorating stuff. I decorated it one last time after I secured it to a cut sheet of plywood I had put wheels on. The tree is in a basket-like box that I decorated to look like a drum. I keep it covered with a sheet tucked into the “drum”, and wheel it in my closet. There it stays until just after Thanksgiving when I roll it out and plug it in again! See why I like artificial trees better?  Can’t do that with a Blue Spruce! But the BIG question about the Christmas tree, when to put it up? There are those who

actually fight over this question... well, the answer anyway! So I will say this, Miss Manners says that it should not be put up before Thanksgiving!  Now I think that she is talking about the home tree. So I agree. Most of my friends put all their decorations up the day after Thanksgiving. Okay, they really have their husband do it while they go shopping. But it gets done sometime that week-end! Usually. One last thing mentioned in the beginning, “What makes a tradition good or bad?” It isn’t “what” but WHO--- You!  If you don’t like a particular tradition you have been following for no reason, then change it! Try developing your own new ones. NOW THAT IS TRADITION!!!  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!  Jg

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HO, HO, HO! Father: Who brings the presents for Christmas? Son: Amazon. Father: No, I mean the fat man with the beard. Son: Edward, the postman?

When does Christmas come before Halloween and Thanksgiving? In the dictionary.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for

16th ANNUAL

DEC 7th DEC 8th

Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

Christmas time... That time of year when many people are more interested in the present than the past.

You’ve finally have gone overboard with your ugly Christmas sweaters. This one is so ugly, it makes

Ralph Lauren just Ralph. The Santa at Northridge Mall was quite surprised when he saw a woman in her mid-twenties, asking to sit on his lap. “Something for my mother, please,” she replied. “Something for your mother? That’s very loving and thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?” She answered quickly, “A sonin-law.”

Q: What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store? A: He desperately needed some holiday spirit.

A little girl is in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day’s Christmas dinner. She asks, “Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?” Her mommy replies, “No honey, you’ll have turkey just like the rest of us.”

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A: A rebel without a Claus.

9 Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, “Go back to work!”

Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it’s Christmas, he’ll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. “How do those represent Christmas?” asks Peter. “These are Carol’s.”

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but— wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. “Great,” she said as I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. “I don’t want this box. It’s been opened.”

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”


10 A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert. A genie appears and gives each of them one wish. The redhead says “I wish I could fly” and flies away. The brunette says “I wish I was home” and teleports home. The blonde steps up, sighs, and says “I wish my friends were back.

Blonde: What does IDK stand for? Ginger: I don’t know Blonde: Why doesn’t anyone know!

A trucker stopped at a local Denny’s restaurant and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The new blonde waitress didn’t want to appear stupid so she went to the kitchen and asked the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?”  “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is for two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.” It’s a special trucker version of our ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’. “Oh, Okay.” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”  She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!!”

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” The captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’.”

Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, “Yes. No. Yes. No.”

Ginger: Don’t tell anyone but bees scare me. Blonde: Don’t worry, the whole alphabet scares me.

The truck crashed into the lake and the redhead and the brunette made it to shore quickly but it took the blonde ten minutes. They asked when she got there, “What took so long”? The blonde replied, “I had to get the tailgate open”.

A blonde woman buys a bath, the next day she returns to the shop claiming its broken and leaking water. “Every time I fill it up it just empties.” The shop keeper replies, “You have you put the plug in it.” She replies “I never knew it was electrical.”

Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.

A brunette and a red head were riding in the front of a pickup truck the blonde was in the back.

Sucks to be YOU!

Escape for the Holidays...


11 What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on Christmas? Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number? Husband: “What do you want for Christmas?” Wife: “A divorce!” Husband: “Can you think of anything cheaper?”

Q: Why did the snowman want a divorce? A: Because his wife was a total flake.

A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!

Mother: “Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.” Girl: “I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls on Daddy’s computer.”

The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn’t start out that way, she had mace.

We’ve just played the Christmas edition of Clue... My wife murdered the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin and a tomb

stone. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. The mother-in-law asks, “Why didn’t you get me a gift?” The husband says, “You haven’t used the one I got you last year.”

My wife calls me handsome... Every payday she says to me, “Hand some over!”

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, “I love you.” The woman says, “Is that you talking or the beer talking?” The man says, “That’s me talking to the beer!”

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

My wife wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500.

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?” Boyfriend: “You’re both.” Girlfriend: “What do you mean?” Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents came for the Holidays, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. “What are you doing!” asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor.”

Is a date a fruit or a vegetable? You don’t know until he’s at the door.


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TIED UP IN NOTS By Robyn Justo

I have decided to create a list of NOTS. Orange is NOT the new white. Power (NOT) to the people, at least in California and for this I am quite sad hence the parentheses. NOT psychic public toilets that sense you coming (and going) and whisk the toilet seat cover away just before you sit down should be banned! I just had it perfectly placed to avoid sitting on the wetness of the rude person prior to me and my thighs are getting a workout trying NOT to touch it. I don’t know about you but when I go into a public restroom it is NOT for rest nor am I in

vacation mode or at an Origami class at summer camp getting my Zen on, figuring out how to fold paper designs in a cool way. I am in a hurry! Damn, why are these seat covers so damn hard to handle? As you can tell, the whole toilet thing is really one of my big NOTS. Would someone please make this process user friendly? And while you are at it, maybe make a Pez dispenser for the toilet paper so that it doesn’t take tweezers to get it out of the holder. Is this a gender specific thing or do men care about it too and is it politically correct to even ask

that question anymore regarding public toilets? Crap. Pun intended. No pun intended, maybe I am just crotchety. I was miffed while working at my storage unit the other day when they were playing Whitney Houston on the radio (God rest her soul) so maybe just a little crotchety plus I think I had just used the bathroom, but can anyone else relate? I was trying to post a Craigslist ad in the wanted section (for rentals NOT personals.) I wrote “Mature woman looking for a quiet sanctuary…” and it was immediately prohibited. I didn’t get it at first. What was the issue? Mature? I am that. Woman? Yes I am that too and that was the NOT. NOT allowed to say that anymore.

Not here, not there. So where on Earth (if here) do I belong? I drove up to Sedona recently still in search of that elusive sanctuary, wondering if I might like that for a next assignment on Planet Earth. Still magically beautiful after all these years. It was thirty since my first spellbinding visit. As I left a sea of big buildings, unfathomable traffic, and roundabouts that confused the tourists like rats scattering for cheese, I saw that

NOT so spiritual anymore place in my rearview mirror and added it to my NOT list. I have always been one to see the positive side of things, almost to a fault. But lately, I am drowning in a sea of NOTS. Not here, not there. So where on Earth (if here) do I belong? I’m mature (ok to say) and I’m a bit surprised that people choose to retire where it is Hella-hot and crazy crowded with materialistic values. Isn’t life supposed to wind down a bit as we get older? Should I not find a business called “The Lunch Box” off-putting when I find out it’s about waxing? NOT. At least on Maui it was ok not to shave one’s legs or armpits or anything else for that matter. It was ok to wear anything or almost nothing at all. Aloha meant slow and easy, smiles and acceptance. Now I can’t even recall if the potties were NOTTIES over there. Who cares? I want to ask for some simple new NOTS. Like NOT lint, NOT too hot, NOT scorpions. Life would be easier without them. Makes all the difference in whether I wake up NOTTY or nice.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.


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By Ted Gargiulo

Don’t Mess with Christmas!

I’ll be blunt. Christmas protocols irritate me. I dislike shopping. I don’t enjoy decking halls or trimming trees or sending cards. I can’t stand TV specials. Forget gift wrapping! In short, I resent doing anything this time of year simply because tradition says I’m supposed to. If my wife of 38 years didn’t cherish the holiday— and if I didn’t so cherish her—I’d probably be the meanest, loneliest curmudgeon on the planet. Verily, LOVE is a major gamechanger. Friends claim it turned me from an old man into an old woman. However, I must tell you that marital harmony, unlike love, doesn’t just happen. It takes commitment, sensitivity, personal sacrifice…and, if you’re as cantankerous as I am at Christmas, extraordinary patience. Here, then, are some of Ted’s Practical Pointers on how NOT to ruin the holidays for the special someone in your life. Squelch the critic. Christmas isn’t a time for railing against the beliefs or customs of people you care about. On Labor Day or Millard Fillmore’s birthday, they might cut you a little slack. But not Christmas. Feelings bruise so-o-o easily. Tread lightly!

Get with the program. Candor won’t win you points during the holidays. Trust me, nobody needs to know what you’re really thinking…unless it makes them really happy. Wanna do yourself and everyone else a colossal favor this Christmas? Save that depressing crap for next year. What people want from you now isn’t truth; it’s theater. Give it to them. You’ve got the next 11 months to be “real.”

Nothing poisons the holiday magic faster than cynicism. Know the script. And be willing to relearn it as often as it’s revised. Play the part you’ve been assigned. Know what’s expected. Be intuitive to the hints the missus throws at you. You lose points anytime she has to prompt you. If you blow it, there’s no telling how many future Christmases it could take to make things right. Avoid negativity. Say “Yes!” to everything. Be fun. Be creative. Bend over backwards. Leap off buildings and enjoy the ride. Spend money…LOTS of money.

15 No matter what happens, don’t poop on your wife’s parade by squawking when your best efforts backfire. Because they might. Even after you’ve done everything humanly and inhumanly possible to make her holiday merry, there’s always a chance she’ll poop on your parade by saying, “It doesn’t feel like Christmas,” or “Why do I even bother anymore?” Don’t let it throw you. Keep the show going. Having your Leading Lady crap out before opening night is as much a part of Christmas as knocking over the tree, or spilling eggnog on her new carpet. She’ll recover; she always does. Just don’t YOU get grouchy, y’hear! Stay in character. Pretend you don’t know the end from the beginning. Like any actor who’s done the same play 100 times, you gotta make every performance appear fresh. Nothing poisons the holiday magic faster than cynicism. Don’t be a smart-ass. Avoid lines like, “I told you so!” or “Here we go again!” Hang tough now. Lick your wounds later. And finally… Disappointment, like marital harmony, isn’t cheap. You must invest your entire self into this annual brouhaha. Remember, your Number One Fan is counting on you. Want peace in the New Year? Then you’d better shine this Christmas! You’ll be glad you did. And so will she.

TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning

LOCAL GUYS ON

LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com

Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you already know?

1 Hour


16 riday, First F , ry 3rd a u Jan 2020 to 9 pm from 5

The presents... IT’S

HELL ON MIRTH!

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SIGNED

DA "GODZEL YS DESTRO " SALINAS POSTER

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Be at Downtown Book and Sound First Friday, January 3rd from 5 to 9 pm for this FREE family-friendly GODZELDA read-aloud by Salinas author Dana B. Larrabee with Foolish Times publisher Steve Prodes as the voice of adman Lester Krasse! Along with light refreshments, we’ll also be giving away GODZELDA posters*,“Cap’n Crudd” Comic’Zines*, free issues of the latest Foolish Times and awarding signed folios* of the first published “Godzelda Destroys Salinas” episodes! The Foolish Times

An ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN

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Episode 9

"Sixty-Four Dollar Question"

Bargains on Reading Matter, Vintage Vinyl, CD’s and Tapes! Episode 6

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Episode 10

"Take Thirteen and Breakfast Cheer"

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presents

Episode 2

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10% OFF

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Episode 11

"Jail House Talk"

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NEIL SCALLOPINI

Episode 17

"The Big Shot"

THE SHOW MUST GO ON...

B. LAR R

ABEE’

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w w w.fo o

ALWAYS FREE!

AND:

LIVING DINOSAUR! T.Rex

GRAND OPENING S H OW

NEEDS A “GET OUT OF JAIL” CARD...

and

Episode 18

GODZELDA

WRIT TEN, PRODUCED, DIRECTED AND

FEATURING:

THE WORLD’S ONLY

During Our

"Smashing Prices"

Special Orders during this event! GODZ ELDA

DESTROYS SALINAS

FUN for Al l i s h t i m e s . n e t l... And Al l for FUN!

PRESENTS:

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HELL ON MIRTH!

CAN’T EVEN SEE TO GRAB ME A SNORT!

Captain Crudd aptly named... is

OH-- YO HO HO, ETC...

ERK?

...Captain Crudd, adopted years ago

ARK! ARK!!

SNIFF! SNIFF! SNUFFFLE-

SNORT!

...For he hasn’t bathed in months. YUCK!

TOONG

"Operation Beast Buster"

Episode 8

DANA

FOG!

by his ...dwells the faithful but decrepit yet wily sea-lion, surprisingly energetic... Fred.

!

...Then the Chamber of Commerce would have been BANNED the Old Poop from the Monterey wharf Years Ago!

SPL

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GRRRRR! GRUMBLE!!

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Episode 5

Episode 3

CURSE THIS BLASTED

featuring “Captain Crudd”

In fact, were it not periodic (and sorely for the cleansing needed!) efforts of Fred...

GRRRRR!

"Krasse Suits Up"

"Gross Encounters"

LUNCH WITH KTOM’S SUE FOXX...

An Ultra Light FantaSea in Two Parts

! Comic'Zines by Dana B. Larrabee

GO...”

High in the tippytop of an abandoned cannery on the shores of Monterey Bay…

LESTER KRASSE GIVES UP ON THE T.REX...

Episode 4

MONTHLY in the

One, entitled:

THROWDOWN...

"Noise in the 'Hood"

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Episode

or “TO COLDLY

Episode 1

"Lester's Brilliant Idea"

When This

DESTROYS

“Love the story Goes GA-GA for a GUY and illustrations of Godzelda amok in the landmark settings...” Salinas in the 21st CENTURY...! -Donelle Squires

DOWNTOWN

Just in time for you vacationers, we present

A (VERY FISHY!) TALE

OF OLD MONTEREY BAY “CANNERY ROLLED”

presents

DANA B. LARRABEE’s

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FREE "C ap 'n C ru d d* salty curmudgeon bounces back... only to take a dive in “GODZELDA Destroys Salinas”

THAT DUMP IN THE DRINK REMINDS ME O’ WHEN I VISITED…

WE’RE ALMOST THERE, J.W...!

FANTASTIQUE!

and “Goober the Woodnymph” by Richard

Today’s rescuer is crew to a tug bringing in another bargeload of KELP...

PANT! GASP! HE’S HEAVIER THAN HE LOOKS!

ERF?

While drying out, the Captain reflects on the expedition he was sucked into years ago...

* WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

WHA’?

HMMF! GRUMBLE-MUMBLE…

His ORIGI N STORY with Starring in a forgotten Here is the original first edition “Captain Crudd” comic, self-published 1971 comic, almost The Origin al Godzelda creator Dana B. Larrabee! by Includes his original Gastro-Astronomical forty years later Cast! “Raoul’s Intergalactic Hamburger Joint” the Heath

OOF!

OUI, M’SIEUR

CRUDD! ZE LIGHT IS PERFECT-O! WE ARE READY, ALREADY!

And now Jacques Wilson was Ultimate filming his Fish Story in the DEEP CANYONS off MONTEREY… WATER

STEADY ON CAPITAIN-WHILE I GET ZESE

SHOTS!

? WHO’S JACQUES WILSON?

Jacques Wilson is Film Maker on the that Carmel National Faunagraphic channel...

GRIND!

Sorry, our our second time’s up! Join us again (and thankfully!) next final episodeissue for “DEEP WATER entitled: HORIZONTAL” or “A

COPYRIGHT

You’re a lot like some of my Christmas tree ornaments. Bright, colorful and a little bit cracked.

PEEP IN THE DEEP ”

2018 BY DANA B. LARRABEE

ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

captaining the Icily Nicely iceberghunting vessel!

UNCHAINED!

Episode 22

DRAWN BY THE SALINAS VALLEY’

"Smashed, Bashed and Trashed" GODZELDA

COPYRIGHT

2018 BY DANA

S OWN DANA B. LARRABEE dalarents@gmai l.com GODZELDA T. REX NEIL SCALLOPINI LESTER KRASSE MALCOLM D. MONSTER B. LARR ABEE

ALL SLIGHTS

DESERVED

GENERAL CREIGHTON S. BLUNT SHERI JERRY PETERSEN DR. VERNON QUAYLEFF “BUD” NAYLOR SUE FOXX TOMMY KAYE FELICIA NICELY CALVIN MCGRABER ARNOLD STRONG ROLAND & AGUILAR GODZELDA

COPYRIGHT

2019 BY DANA

B. LARR ABEE

ALL SLIGHTS

DESERVED

P L U S : GODZE from“Rad

LDA BEHIND

THE SCENES! io Daze” t o “Findin g Felicia”

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17

By Daria James

I Had A Great Time, This Wasn’t It December is here and so are panic attacks and anxiety for some. The festivities humanity goes a little bananas on their quest of material happiness to fill the emotional voids, thus, the best and the worst side of people show. Elbowing your way to a big screen TV and game console, feeding the homeless, trampling over people to get the newest cellphone, donating to charities, it is the yin and yang of Holidays. I have participated in a few sales, but not during the first wave, I like to sleep in on my days off. But I do have some necessities, a big screen TV is not one of them. Fun fact: I still have a big TV I bought in 2008. As I type, I am also rocking a cellphone 4 generations behind. It is paid off, and it works great. Sure, it is a little slow at times, but who isn’t? At least I do not have to wait for a signal from outer space to function. Why hasn’t anyone invented coffee for phones?! Oh, it’s called a battery? No, not like a battery, more like a system picker-upper. What is that? It’s called an upgrade?! No, not like that. Guess we will never know now that Steve Jobs is gone. With a new year approaching - new ‘me people’ come out of the woodworks and try to be different. Some try to get in better shape or change their despicable ways. Do not wait for the end of the year, just do it now. Furthermore, it is not a new you if you keep making old decisions. When you encounter conflict, try doing less of what

you usually would do. You have to plan the seed and water it for it to blossom. You replace a bad habit with a better one. Starting now, I decided to do some maintenance on myself because January is too far away, and I gotta keep the Daria of me in tippy-top shape; I have been doing fine at learning lessons for the better, some hurt less than others. However, the one thing that I constantly need to work on is those pesky feelings. You know the whole funny feeling in your tummy and shut off of the brain thus making irresponsible decisions when you should have been more rational? The funny feeling can be stress, hate, love, joy, sadness, etc. If we let one feeling overwhelm us, it can cloud our judgement. I generally try to avoid making decisions when I feel a certain way, but I’m only made of flesh, bone and blood and sometimes…well, I should have waited to give a final answer, or not pulled the trigger on an online purchase. As a writer (because I do be that), I try to keep in touch with my feelings because I need them to create. Whether humorous or melancholic material; I want the reader to be with me every step of the way and know it is coming from a real place and feel something when reading my story. However, feelings can be unpredictable wild creatures #damnthesewildyounghearts, and we must remain in control of them. Like a sled being pulled by Huskies. If you wish, it is a fun ride but do not fall asleep on those cute guys or you will wake up hurt. The emotion takes over

and next thing you know you are tied up in sorrow. Great lyrics by the Bee Gees and a true story, with a different ending. I will continue on this journey of mine, I will remain feeling my feelings, if others want to repress their feeling that is their funeral. Seriously, blocking how you feel takes years out of your life, it is bad for your body, not to mention your soul. You might as well start vaping.

Why hasn’t anyone invented coffee for phones?! The exquisiteness of feelings lies in their inability to become final. Feelings continuously morph in the infinite obscurities of our hearts since the brain wants nothing to do with that, and sooner… or way later, they Free Willy jump their way up and out into the light. Oh, it can be a visual wonder from a distance. However, it can feel like the alien that ripped through that person’s stomach and splashed blood all over the unexpected onlookers who were just trying to not die in space. The moral of the story is to be more like Ellen Ripley. Happy Holidays and a Happier New Year! Thank you for another great year and thank you for supporting your local paper and talented crew behind the scenes as well as the people delivering papers all over town. We all work hard for the money. Speaking of local talent: shout out to the Indian food tent at the Monterey Market, I miss your delicious curry naans. Another special shout out to the Rubber Chicken Poetry Slam folks and Garland for keeping it up and running. Until we meet again.

Q: Why shouldn’t you mess with Santa A: Because he has a black belt. Q: How does Santa get his Reindeer to fly? A: He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings. Q: What is red, white, and blue? A: Sad candy cane. Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree? A: Christmas chopping. Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A: Crisp Cringle. Q: How does Santa Claus take pictures? A: With a North Pole-aroid. Q: What cars do elves drive? A: Toy-yota. Q: What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you.


18

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A Busker Looks to Heaven From the Gutter

By Michael Houston

Make A Difference - What’s So Funny About Empathy? I don’t spend all my time busking at the Monterey Peninsula Collage and Alvarado Street Markets, aggravating ears and disturbing the peace for the jostling crowd. I also dabble in publishing homeless and marginalized authors through the Salinas Living Poetry and Prose Project. Which is a spin off from Salinas Chinatown’s arts-based, free speech, newspaper, Voices of the Street/Voces de la Calle. (20122016.)

discrimination along with the while celebrating its glory as mother of democracies. The inhabitants of Northern Ireland claimed that they could tell, which religious sect which pastyfaced person belonged to.

Dabbling in print media has led me to meet some extraordinary people. As a stringer for the San Francisco Oracle in Derry, Northern Ireland in summer of 1972, I met Bridget and Johnny Bond, organizers for the Northern Ireland Civil Rights Association. They lived to overcome the Apartheid in Northern Ireland that left the Catholics targeted for poverty, unemployment, and housing and educational discrimination. Not a rational situation, but there was plenty of history, butchery, martyrdom, and sadism behind it. The United Kingdom functioned as an enabler for systematic religious

Rita Acosta, a real community champion Homeless advocate and author, Rita Acosta, matches the Bonds drive for justice and progress. She knows that the ancient upgrade from backwards color line racism and religious persecution has been replaced!

As I push on through life I get baffled in this color-coded land of all too common lingering racist exceptionalism. Like you, I have wondered what’s next, aside from self-repairing 200-year warranty for our bodies.

End War The war on poverty is the war on the poor. It seems like everyone’s playing it. Nice Americans, spared by a generation of two of famine and destitution, have high expectation and don’t mind weaponizing their fortunate positions to torment

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

the less fortunate. We expect our government and police to give homeless people the magical power to disappear. A Day-to-Day Hero Get Rita’s upcoming book, Make A Difference! It tells her homeless organizer story. After forty years as a kid, housewife, and mother in Salinas, Rita became homeless and living in Salinas Chinatown. Rita notes that nice organizations like Dorothy’s Place were there to help people get fed, cleaned up, and online, but the effort to achieve empowerment as informal homeless entities is anathema for bureaucracies and local government alike. The CSUMB Chinatown Community Learning Center is there to help people build their resumes and get case managers. As night fell, Rita found that there was no place but her own tent to accommodate her and her pair of dogs. Worse still, urban camping tents don’t come with indoor plumbing. The Elusive American Dream Rita is a strong –willed and dynamic problem-solver. Now homeless, she had a tent, but she still needed to have a safe place to

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

19 sleep at night with toilet access. Rita got help from singular people like Bill Black from Dorothy’s Place and Seth Pollack of CSUMB. The periodic Salinas Chinatown Sanitation Sweeps required Rita and other tent dwellers to collect their gear and get it out of the way of the bulldozers etc. More than a few people have lost their meds and personal property in the process. Since the stated reason for the sweeps was to get the camping streets clean, Rita figured the city could stop the sweeps if the homeless organized themselves to keep the streets clean. Problems identified! Solution in in sight! “Just PHLUSH.” – Loren Bacall, To Have and Have Not, 1944? Seth and Bill found a PHLUSH program with the motto, “PublicHygiene Lets Us Stay Human.” So the fight was won! Rita’s crews kept the streets clean. “Tents in the Garden” organized a safe living area for folks ready to live by the rules. Assigned PLUSH, “Public-Hygiene Lets Us Stay Human,” monitors made sure people had access to toilets. We take another step towards Utopia. Buy the Book So get Rita’s soon to be published book Make a Difference, and find out how the mystery of the not invisible homeless plays out. (Thanks to Sara Ruben of the County Weekly and our fine local journalists who are helping us put the project together with strong graphics to help tell the Make a Difference story.)


20

By Nancy Pyzel

The Airport Game

Remember when we played “airport” as kids? There was usually a pilot, flight attendant and at least one passenger. If you had more kids over, you could have a co-pilot and two lines of chairs representing the seats on the plane. The pilot would tell the passengers to fasten their seat belts. Then you would lean your chairs back as the plane took off. Sometimes there would be turbulence and your chairs would have to rock back and forth sideways until the plane settled down. Next, the flight attendant asked the passengers if they wanted coffee or tea and would pretend to pour it into their cups. Kid pretending to be flight

attendant: “Do you want coffee or tea” Kid pretending to be passenger: “Coffee, please.” FA: “OK. Say when.” (pretends to pour from a pot into a cup) “Chshshshshsh…” (All kids know that this is the exact sound coffee makes when being poured in a moving vehicle.) Passenger: “Stop. That’s enough.” FA: “Chsshshshshshshshs…. Passenger: “Stop! It’s going to overflow!” FA: Chshshshshshshsh…” Passenger: “I said, STOP!” FA: “You didn’t say ‘when’. Chshshshshshshshshs…” Passenger: “WHEN! Now look at the mess you’ve made. You’d There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Answers on page 26

better clean it up!” FA: “I’m a flight attendant. I’m busy serving passengers. You clean it up.” Passenger: “Mooooom!”

These days the game of airport is more like playing army boot camp or prisoners and guards. These days the game of airport is more like playing army boot camp or prisoners and guards. Today’s kids know it’s the TSA agents who have the real power. Instead of pouring hot beverages over the passenger’s laps, they get to bark commands at them and take their stuff. “Hey, you! That’s the precheck line.” “But I have a precheck ticket.” “Let me see some ID, buddy!” “Take your belt off and put it in the tray.” “But my pants will fall down.” “Should have thought of that before you got into my line. Now move it!” “You! take the laptop out of its case and set it down slowly. Hands above your head. Don’t move!” “Now step aside. I need to frisk you.” Old train sets work well as conveyer belts, and a doorway makes a good body scanner. “Is that a juice box in your carry-on, dirtbag? Juice is a liquid! I’m going to have to confiscate it.” “Hey! That’s my juice. Give it

back!” “Those gummy bears are considered a gel. I’ll have to confiscate those, too.” “Moooom!” These days a game of airport may be rated PG-13. A TSA agent in Phoenix told me she would have to pat down my breasts. (She really said this. I’m not kidding.) She asked me if I would rather get the full frontal frisk right there, in front of everyone in line, or if I preferred being alone with the agent in a private booth while she does the deed. Me: “Is there a third option?” TSA: “Nope” Me: “Could you just cut one of my toes off instead?” TSA: “I’m afraid we are not allowed to cut off body parts, mam.” Me: “Then I’ll take public humiliation for $200, please.” I keep hoping I will find out that airport security is really one of those psychological experiments where the “prisoners” and “guards” get way too wrapped up in their respective roles. The prisoners are trying to escape or pay their way out, when all they have to do is say that they no longer wish to participate and they can leave. At least in those experiments all of the participants are paid for their time. At the airport, the prisoners actually pay to be tormented and degraded. The old school game of airport may have been sexist, since the pilot was most often a boy and the flight attendant a girl. But now we have equal opportunity shaming. Both boys and girls can join in the fun! You have just enough time to teach your kids or grandkids the airport game so they will be prepared for holiday travel. Me? This year I’m driving.


Fly the Hostile Skies—Part Two By Debbie Harris Last month, I began the tale of my holiday trip to Atlanta from San Francisco. We left the story with my being bumped from my flight. The clerk who had assigned me a seat and then took it back found me a flight two hours later, which gave me time to kill. I wandered into an airport bookstore and before I could read the reviews of a displayed book, I heard an announcement that everyone was to evacuate the building but not use the elevator. Had I heard what I thought I had? If so, what did it mean? Was the building on fire? A bomb threat? Was ISIS at SFO? As the message repeated, everyone dutifully walked toward the exit, dreading what this might mean to our travel schedule. Security stopped us in the TSA area and told us to wait while they checked out the problem. Funny thing, hahahaha, it was an error. Hahahahahaha. Oh those silly evacuation glitches. Interesting how they stiffen every muscle in your body and get your heart beating double-time. And I was already in such a relaxed

state after being thrown off an airplane. Released back into the terminal, I went straight to a store and bought myself a “Kind” bar. I needed something to be kind to me. As I ate it, I watched firefighters in full garb walk back and forth through the terminal. Would there be another call to exit? Was there a fire? For this trip I flew with an airline whose name started with an “F,” that I later called “Frillless” and other words that start with “F.” This airline charged for a checked bag and a carry-on bag—the same price, and charged for you to select a seat number. On board there were no movies, no music, and anything beyond a four ounce cup of water (without ice) cost at least $2.99. Credit or debit cards only. I guess I should be glad they didn’t charge for the seatbelt or the piped in air. I made it to Denver and got myself onto the flight to Atlanta without incident. Sigh. As I turned my phone to Airplane Mode, I noticed a voicemail message. My suitcase was waiting

in the airline’s baggage office in Atlanta. My luggage beat me to my destination, a first for me. The flight to Atlanta was delayed taking off—waiting for a case of water to be delivered; after which it was announced that the plane was overweight. It was requested that nine people volunteer to get off the flight in exchange for a $1000 flight voucher each. Wha???? I wasn’t about to budge. My suitcase was already in Atlanta, so my only weight was body and a light personal bag. A few minutes later, it was announced that there had been a miscalculation (common core math?) and the six people who had presented themselves for vouchers were sent back to their seats voucherless. About an hour into the flight, it was announced that the front restroom was out of order. Quote About forty five minutes later, we were told that we could use any of the three toilets on board, but that they currently did not flush. Oh goody, a port-a-potty without the depth or the chemical treatment. I crossed my legs and

21 tripled-down. Upon landing, the aircraft had to have all luggage removed before the passengers could exit. Something about weight distribution. Maybe they just needed to send nine passengers to the luggage compartment. My restroom vow was under further test. At last in Atlanta, with some difficulty I found the airline’s baggage office and could see my suitcase through the window. The sign on the door said “Open,” but the door was locked and no one was there. So close and yet so far. Eventually, a representative from the airline opened the office and gave me my suitcase. My return flight was much better, with only a little turbulence to remind me not to fall asleep or relax. When I got home and opened my suitcase to unpack, I found a note from TSA. My bag had been searched. After getting bumped from my flight, being charged for everything except my own thoughts, contemplating nasty restrooms, having my snacks threatened, my shoes x-rayed, and my suitcase held hostage, I sincerely hoped that TSA enjoyed pawing through my dirty clothes. May all your holiday travels be better than mine.

Support bacteria. It’s the only culture some people have.


22

LET’S SETTLE THIS LIKE ADULTS

By Jay Russell

TheRaverTip.com

The Rock, DJ PaperTowel and Edward Scissorhands engaged in a most chivalrous contest over the weekend of November 9th and 10th, 2019. A two day roshambo tournament matched the wits of each presidential candidate, to determine which one of them got the nomination for the new “Celebrity Party.” In the first match up Dwayne Johnson only played rock and lost in a 12 hour rout 1,000-7 to DJ PaperTowel, whom mostly played paper. Dwayne shook off the embarrassing loss with his blinding smile still intact and massive legs unhindered. PaperTowel showed little wear from standing for 12 hours either,

as DJs commonly play records or dance for days on end. Since it was a round robin tournament, Edward Scissorhands took on The Rock next. It remains undetermined if Edward was Johnny Depp in costume, a Depp stunt double or the historical figure Edward Scissorhands. The actual existence of a real Mr. Scissorhands (make that Dr. Scissorhands after reportedly receiving his botany doctorate) has been rumored by dads trying to scare their mischievous children everywhere. What is known is that Edward possesses the capability of playing scissors and paper but is unable to form

MAKE ME ‘NOG INGREDIENTS

• 6 Egg Yolks • 1/2 cp Sugar • 1 cp Heavy Whipping Cream • 2 cp Milk • 1/2 tsp Nutmeg

DIRECTIONS

• Pinch of Salt • 1/4 tsp Vanilla Extract • Cinnamon

1. Whisk egg yolks & sugar together until creamy. 2. In a saucepan, combine the cream, milk, nutmeg & salt. 3. Stir often until mixture reaches simmer. 4. Add a big spoonful of the hot milk to the egg mixture, whisking vigorously. 5. Repeat, adding small amounts to temper the eggs.  5. Pour the mixture back into the saucepan.  6. Whisk constantly until the mixture is just slightly thickened. 7. Remove from heat, stir in vanilla. 8. Pour the eggnog into a container, cover. 9. Refrigerate until chilled. 10. Serve with a sprinkle of cinnamon & whipped cream. 11. Add whiskey or bourbon if desired.

a fist to play rock. With each victory the custom of official roshambo tournaments as such requires hand gestures of each win with the grasping of rock by paper, the cutting of scissors on paper or the smashing of a rock on scissors. The match started with Scissorhands choosing his favorite scissors play for his first 10 duels. Dwayne took great pride in continuing to play rock every time with uproarious laughter, smashing his cantaloupe sized fist upon Edwards’s deadly blades. Even with his hand bloodied The Rock foolishly rocked on while Scissorhands adopted a bob and weave tactic of paper twice and scissors once. 16 hours later Scissorhands prevailed 1,000 to 541. Dwayne was rushed to the hospital after losing two or three quarts of blood during the duel, but after the short ambulance ride he miraculously regenerated and never entered the hospital. He immediately got into a Tesla and started filming two films- Too Fast We Lost Count and Fast and the Furious: Who Cares. In our championship match Scissorhands took on DJ PaperTowel, with the fate of the country at stake. Remembering Dwayne’s painful gashes, PaperTowel took some sort of performance enhancing rave drug, numbing his body. After judges conferred, they allowed PaperTowel’s power-up since the Celebrity Party possesses a “legalize everything” policy. Still worried about blood loss, the DJ wrapped his hand in industrial 8-ply paper towels from the medieval era, laced with steel. The battle began Sunday morning and raged all day. Neither weakened, DJ PaperTowel re-dosed every hour and Scissorhands ran on pure insanity. Edward began with the same “no rock strategy” but

quickly fell behind and his blades did nothing to the wrapped and nimble hands of the DJ. Seeing his chance of the nomination fading with a 500 to 400 deficit, Scissorhands sucked it up and attempted a rock move. In trying to form a fist he cut himself up bad, but he bravely dueled on. A few minutes later, Scissorhands fainted, apparently that’s not makeup, he was already anemic. A forfeit!

DJ PaperTowel re-dosed every hour and Scissorhands ran on pure insanity. DJ PaperTowel celebrated by throwing a wild rave right there in the Los Angeles town hall. Hundreds of ravers piled in, setting up tents, flashing hypnotic lights and shrimp dropped from the ceiling. The party blared on until Tuesday, during which DJ PaperTowel was unavailable for comment. After sleeping for a couple days PaperTowel took to a podium with sorrow on his face. He began by thanking Shiva, and The Rock, then wished Scissorhands a quick recovery. After some air horns and numerous other shootouts, came his sad news. He is not 35 but only 32 and ineligible for the Presidency. “Oh well,” he said “there is always next year.”

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.


23

1) What is a Christmas song that makes you cringe? 2) What outdoor winter activity do you love? 3) What is one place you shop that might surprise people? 4) What are your New Year’s plans? Bob #1 1) The Killers, ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa’. Why would these guys record such a song? 2) I like going for walks at night when it’s cold out. I try to think of what people feel were its really cold. 3) I shop in pet stores for my friends pets. They shouldn’t be left out. 4) I don’t have any plans yet. It’s going to be 2020. Robert 1) The idea of a five-year-old Michael Jackson singing ‘I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ is weird. There’s nothing that says Christmas quite like the thought of a child watching a man who snuck into your house in the middle of the night kissing his mother. 2) I enjoy seeing Christmas lights. Although I wish my neighbors would not keep theirs up all year long. 3) My wife gives me her list of things she wants. I end up in strange parts of women’s stores that scar me for life. 4) We do the New York New Years and I’m in bed by ten. Roberta 1) The weirdo Tiny Tim recoded the song, ‘Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS’. Just the fact that I know this haunts me. 2) I don’t like the cold. I love staying in and bake. I use box mixes but it all smells so good. 3) I don’t drink but I like to buy a pretty bottle of liquor. 4) I don’t go out anymore. I’m just glad to see 2020.

Bob #2 1) ‘Granma Got Run over by a Reindeer’ by Elma and Patsy. It makes me worry about the safety of my Grandmother. 2) I don’t have a favorite activity except for watching hockey on TV. 3) I really don’t do a lot of shopping for Christmas. I buy beer at the bar for my friends. 4) I’m not sure I want to admit this but I’m part Turkish so I wear red underwear for good luck.

$29

831.648.1038


24

I Solved the JFK Assassination. Well... By Charles Birimisa About a decade ago, during one of my renewed dives back into the JFK Assassination, I purchased “Pictures of the Pain - Photography and the Assassination of President Kennedy,” by Richard Trask. Published in the book is a photograph taken by Richard Bothun at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. At the forefront of the photograph is a Dallas motorcycle officer and behind him on the grass is the prone Newman family, two men sitting on the curb (one holding an umbrella), and a few other spectators looking about. Behind them, to their left, under a tree, is a shadow of a man, his right arm positioned as if his right hand is in his right pocket. Interesting is that this shadow person is walking away from the scene, having just passed the North Pergola which is a short walk from the stockade fence on the grassy knoll where a majority of witnesses believe the fatal shot came from. The body language of this walking shadow figure cannot be dismissed. The figure is not taking cover from other potential shots, and is walking away from an area where, again, most witnesses believe the fatal shots were fired from. Why was this shadow figure behind the Pergola when President Kennedy’s motorcade was driving by it? Why was this shadow figure emerging from an area concealed from view? Bothun’s photograph was estimated at being taken 30 to 60

seconds after the final reported shot, and that would have given the shadow figure enough time to briskly walk away from a the stockade fence area, where again, a majority believes that the fatal shot emanated from. A few years ago, on the 50th anniversary of the assassination, the Dallas Morning News reprinted, for sale, it’s November 23, 1963 edition which I purchased. In the paper was the same Richard Bothun photograph I’ve just described, sans the portion of the shadow person walking away from the scene. Inexplicably, the Dallas Morning News person in charge of publishing photographs did not notice, or give any substantive weight to the shadow person in the photograph walking away from the scene.

Behind them, to their left, under a tree, is a shadow of a man, his right arm positioned as if his right hand is in his right pocket. Why was an obvious image of a possible assassin edited out of quite possibly the most well-known next day paper ever published - the one about the Kennedy Assassination? My guess is in all the excitement of the moment, the editor just didn’t see it. Or maybe the shadow figure was edited out for some other reason?

I stipulate if the entire Bothun photograph had been published in the Dallas Morning News the day after the assassination, many readers of the paper would have noticed the shadow person and speculated about it. Bearing fruit from that might have been a responsible investigation rather that the myopic official (Warren Commission) one focusing on Lee Harvey Oswald as the lone assassin firing from the 6th floor of the Texas School Book Depository. As far as I know I am the only assassination researcher who has put to light this information about important evidence that should have been seen by the public the day after the assassination in the Dallas Morning News. Evidence of a possible assassin emerging from an area the majority of witnesses of the assassination believe the fatal shot or shots came from. Other researchers

have noted the shadow person, but that came years after the assassination. On November 22nd, the 56th anniversary of the crime, will come and go. Yet, it’s still important that American’s understand the case remains unsolved, despite our government’s conclusion that one lone gunman did it. Your consideration is appreciated.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Happy Holidays! Answers on pg 26

Tinsel Jolly Wreath Santa Tree Rudolph Chimney Mistletoe Fruitcake Presents Frosty Holly Decorations Winter Reindeer Sleigh Bells Snowman Cookies Elves


25

November 1

December 7-8

December 13-15

December 19

Antithesis

Native American Market

A Christmas Carol

WC Songwriters Competition

The best kept secret art gallery is on the campus at MPC. Dani Torvik exhibits her oil paintings.

The Holidays come to Spreckles. Great gift ideas. Buy American by Native Americans. 831.601.3051

December 1-22

Gary Bolen plays twenty one different roles in this one man adaptation of Charles Dickens beloved classic. mpctheaterco.com

December 13-15

Chicago

Spector Dance

Chicago has everything that made Broadway great, Featuring one show-stopping song after another and the most astonishing dance you’re ever see. pacrep.org

December 7-8 California Sea-Kings

Holiday dance performance with Na Haumana. Beatles Remembered. This playful piece merges hip hop, jazz and ballet. Come and sing and dance along. Four Seasons, a dance piece about the beauty of each season. spectordance.org

A gathering of likeminded people. Bring your song or spoken word and perform for prizes. westcoastsongwritters.org

December 21 Winter Solstice

First day of winter. The shortest day or the longest night of the year.

December 25 Merry Christmas

Our ABA team plays back to back nights. The six time ABA champs, Jacksonville comes to town followed by the Chico Super Kats. seakingsbasketball.com

December 4-7 Streets of Bethlehem

A recreation of Bethlehem with a truly immersive experience. streetsofbethlehem.com

December 7-15 Monterey Bay Aquarium

Free for all locals. Show Proof and you’re in. montereybayaquarium.org

December 31 December 14 Comedy at the Jade

Local guy Jon Benzor brings three funny friends to the Jade Lounge for a night of laughs. thejadelounge.com

December 14-15 Christmas on Main

December 6-22 Christmas on the Wharf

Visit the historic wharf for three weekends of caroling, treats and Santa and his elves. montereywharf.com

December 13-14 Christmas in the Adobes

Historic adobes decorated with welcoming candle lit luminarias at each entrance. Festive music and living historic portrayers. mshpa.org

Must see live entertainment at Compass Church. A spectacle with singing, music, dance and comedy. compasschurchmc.org

First Night Monterey

Countdown to 2020. Family friendly performances, dance, art and lots of fun in downtown Monterey. firstnightmonterey.org

January 1 Happy New Year Good-bye 2019 and hello 2020.


26

Foolish Search

Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 20

Answers

On their 50th wedding anniversary, Chris was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. Chris responds, ‘I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.’

from page 24

Guide to Local Businesses & Services REAL ESTATE Del Monte Realty

Building relationships. Making it easy for you to buy or sell. Full service residential and commercial. 831.372.4574 delmonterelty.com RE license # BRE01227726

INSURANCE J Taylor Insurance

Specialize in high value homes, collector cars-collections, umbrellas, commercial-business. 40 years experience. Old fashion personal service - your home or business. 831.224.5065. www.johnftaylor.ws

CA TRAVEL BOOKS

REAL ESTATE

PHONE REPAIR

AUTOMOTIVE

Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

Trinkle Real Estate

Fix It All

Hans Auto Repair

HOME CARE S&J Homecare

Available on short notice. We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands. Excellent references. CPR certified. 831.277.8780

Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be. Affordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax. 806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS

APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeff’s Appliance Repair & Service

In home service and repair. Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up. 831.7472036

To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Affordable. Del Monte Center 831.38.4851

WIN Dinner for Two at Crown & Anchor 831.648.1038

FOR SALE 800 square foot restaurant space in PG. Well established, owner retiring. Turn key business with all equipment. Long lease available. Brokers welcome 831.596.5759

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HEALING Lauris Wellness Center Where wellness & beauty come together. Chakra Alignment, Reiki Healing, Aura Cleansing, Maya Readers 831.235.6627

lauriswellnessstudio.com


27 Previously: Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. But when Army cannon fire is ineffective and the creature escapes with a teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Salinas, it takes Air Force jets to subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Meanwhile, the dinosaur and teenager Neil Scallopini are incarcerated at the county jail. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature to him on a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring the heavilly sedated GODZELDA. When Neil sees it, he reveals the origin of the T.Rex and demands to be released just as Monster Mart’s grand opening commences...

RATED

PG

PRETTY GOOD!

DESTROYS

Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar ents@gmail.com

Episode 13

"Tommy Kaye

and Captain C r u d d " Krasse agitatedly puffed on his cigarette. “Better call the Doc and find out what’s keeping him,” he advised the marketing man. “It’s the Lude and Quayle Animal Clinic on Romie Lane.” He took another drag. “And that Tommy Kaye guy from the radio station? He’s supposed to emcee this thing. I don’t see him either! Where’s HE at?” “RIGHT HERE, EVERYONE!” boomed the unmistakable voice of the radio announcer. Krasse had been a KTOM listener for years and had created a mental image of Tommy Kaye based on his voice. The reality was somewhat of a let-down. Despite the tuxedo he wore, there was a rumpled untidiness about the man. The jacket was a bit too small for his immense bulk and showed signs of wear at the elbows. The running shoes he had on, though, appeared to be brand new. “Hi, I’m Tommy Kaye,” he said into the mike. “And on behalf of KTOM radio and KAKA TV 33, I’m pleased to welcome you all to this beautiful new Monster Mart in Salinas, California.” Whatever his physical shortcomings, Tommy’s warm resonant voice overpowered them all. Almost. He turned from the microphone, belched, and waddled down to join Krasse and Peterson on the main floor. He grabbed Peterson’s hand and pumped it vigorously. “You’re Krasse from the agency, right?” “No, that’s Jerry Peterson with Monster Mart,” the ad man informed him, slightly miffed. “I’m Krasse.” “Oh. Sorry. Well, good meeting you, Peterson.” He turned to the ad man. “And it certainly is a real joy to be here, Mr. Krasse.” They shook hands. “Say, that’s quite a beast you got there. What is it anyway? A Tyrannosaurus Rex?” #13-25

COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED

“I guess,” Krasse answered dryly and thrust a sheaf of papers into the announcer’s pudgy hand. “Here’s the merchandise we want you to push the first hour. Later, you introduce Mr. Monster and then Godzelda. Can you handle that?” “Absolutely,” Tommy shot back. “I’m a professional! Now where can I get something to eat?” Across town at the County jail, the clang of steel awakened Neil from an uneasy nap. It was Deputy Aguilar throwing open the door to his cell. “Move ya butt, Scallopini!” he barked. “Sheriff wants to see you. NOW!” The cellblock TV was on and he could hear Tommy Kaye babbling on about Monster Mart’s grand opening festivities. “Everyone’s come for Godzelda the Dinosaur,” he said. “And wait til you see her pulverizing prices live on-stage!” The deputy escorted Neil down the dim corridors of the County Jail and opened the door to the sheriff’s office. They found Sheriff Naylor looking over a number of different photographs of himself. He had to decide which to use on the posters for his upcoming re-election campaign. “Ah, Scallopini,” he said and hurriedly stuffed them into a desk drawer. Then he indicated the mirror on the wall to the attendant Deputy Roland who clicked off the lights. In the darkened office, they could see though the mirror into the next room where another prisoner was being held. “This individual was brought in on drunk and disorderly charges,” the sheriff explained. “You recognize him?” “Why, it’s the Captain! Captain Algae!” “Yeah? He talks like Walter Brennan!” Captain Horatio Algae looked a bit thinner, but the color in his cheeks and the twinkle in his steel-gray eyes

showed his spirit was as buoyant as ever. His beard was a little whiter, Neil thought. “One of my deputies picked him up following an altercation at an establishment known as ‘The Hole Megillah’ in Moss Landing. Seems he told two men at the bar some yarn about a dinosaur melted out of an iceberg. ‘Course they didn’t believe a word and called him a liar. Riled him up plenty and there was a heck of a fight according to the owner who called us. He cold-cocked both the barflies though, before we could apprehend him.” “The Captain can handle himself alright,” said Neil. “Can I see him?” “Sure.” Naylor motioned to Roland who switched on the lights and opened the door to the adjoining room. The Captain gasped. “NEIL! You’re alive!” “And you,” said Neil. “I thought you drowned!” Captain Algae chuckled. “Nah! I hitched a ride on that iceberg ‘til some crabber picked me up.” The sheriff took Neil aside. “You got lucky, kid. This new evidence means you’re free to go. Just stick around for your hearing, OK?” “Great! What about the Captain?” “Well, your friend Horatio Algae here, a.k.a ‘Captain Crudd’, has been charged with drunk and disorderly conduct, assault and battery, willful destruction of private property and resisting arrest. He won’t be leaving us for awhile.” “But the monster?” demanded Algae. “It’s real, ain’t it?” “Oh, yes,” said Neil. “Very real.”

Next issue:

Episode 14 Daddy’s Money

All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net


December

28

Sunday 1

Monday 2

Tuesday

2019

Wednesday

3

4

Downtown Monterey Holiday Events

Thursday

Post me on your fridge!

Friday

5

Saturday

6

7

(((FolkYEAH!))) Presents

Pink Martini Holiday Show

Champions of Magic 7:30 pm

December 6 - 8 December 13 - 15 December 21 - 23 Visit: MontereyWharf.com for complete details

8

Gingerbread House

GoldenStateTheatre.com

9

Extravaganza

(Kid Friendly)

9:30 am

MYMuseum.org

Brighten the Harbor Lighted Boat Parade

Santa Under the Marquee

8 pm

Farmers Market & Holiday Faire 4-7 pm

10

Farmers Market & Holiday Faire 4-7 pm

TubaChristmas Monterey!

16 Pick up

Holiday Treats

1 pm

22

Hanukkah

17

11 Come downtown and see a movie at the

18

Blind Boys of Alabama Christmas Show ft. Nicki Bluhm

7:30 pm

at Monterey Conference Center Facebook.com/ TubaChristmasMonterey

Enjoy lunch downtown with a member of the military home for the holidays!

OsioTheater.com

5:30 pm mpyc.org

15

Noon - 4 pm | FREE

featuring China Forbes

GoldenStateTheatre.com

Only one week left to shop!

MYMuseum.org

23

13

Tree of Life Ceremony Monterey 5:30 pm

NO Farmers Market

31

25

Merry Christmas!

14 MIIS Winter Commencement

mshpa.org

GoldenStateTheatre.com

19

From Coffee-to-Cocktails:

Take a break in Old Monterey

miis.edu

36th Annual Christmas in the Adobes December 13 - 14

Chris Isaak Christmas Show 8 pm

20

21 Holiday Carolers Singing & Strolling through the downtown each Saturday

Enjoy a FREE self-guided tour of Historic Old Monterey

26

27

Winter Begins 28

Don’t forget to buy your First Night Buttons!

FirstNightMonterey.org

November 29 - December 26

in the Downtown West Garage

Monterey 250 Celebration!

MYMuseum.org

Visit us online! OldMonterey.org FirstNightMonterey.org

8 pm

GoldenStateTheatre.com

Dec 12 - 25

Two Hours Free Parking

NO Farmers

Noon Year’s Eve

IceSkatingByTheBay.com

Mary Chapin Carpenter & Shawn Colvin

Winter Wonderland

at Portola Hotel and Spa HospiceGiving.org

Happy Kwanzaa!

Market

11/23/2019 - 1/5/2020 Custom House Plaza

FREE MontereyArt.org

Call (831) 649-2907 for a map! parks.ca.gov

Christmas Eve 30

Monterey Museum of Art Family Fun Day

Portola Hotel & Spa’s

4-7 pm

24

Traditional Tree Lighting on Colton Hall Lawn 5 - 6 pm FREE OldMonterey.org

12

Last 2019

Begins Today

29

(Ages 21+) 7:00 pm

Farmers Market & Holiday Faire

at Downtown Bakeries

OldMonterey.org

Gingerbread House Extravaganza

for more events and our Downtown Dining Guide

A yearlong celebration of the 250th anniversary of the founding

of Monterey on June 3, 1770 For more information: Monterey250.org

Ride the Free MST Trolley on Weekends to and from the Downtown!

Profile for Foolishtimes

FOOLISH TIMES DECEMBER 2019  

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