Foolish Times July 1015

July 2015

Spent Hours Looking Through Your Posts

All of Them Event Calendar » pg.26 Meet Debbie Harris’ facebook friends » pg.12

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July 2015

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www.foolishtimes.net

Joining Hands Benefit Shop

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SPCA Benefit Shop

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John's Consignment & Home Decore

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Second Chance

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Branches Resale Shoppe

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26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

RESALE TRAIL

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

26362 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.250.7836 105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com 480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

Golden Rose

Thrift & Vintage Boutique 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122 www.goldenroseofmonterey.com

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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Moss Landing 45th Annual Antique & Collectable Street Fair July 26th Starting at 8am www.mosslanding.com

July 2015

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools.......................Quinton G.

Russell S. and Alyssa P.

Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Quinton Grounds, Daria James, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Rex Keyes, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, Quarlen Qurossman, Sy Rosen, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

We are finally hitting our summer stride with consistent warm temps and clogged streets. It’s also the time of year most people take a vacation.

For those of us who call this area our home, it’s a staycation.

Take in a day at the beach, hike at Garland Park.

Lunch at the Steinbeck House would be a nice treat.

When was the last time you drove down River Road to visit wineries?

We have so much to do and see here in our own backyard. It’s a gift to live in this vast area where you can see your food growing in a field one day and in the produce section the next.

July brings world class events like Super bikes at Laguna Seca and Rodeo in Salinas. If you never attended a rodeo, please go. It’s a lot of all American fun. Spot a “Buckle Bunny” and win prizes!

Take a look at our Foolin’ Around Town event calendar for more things to do. By the time I decide what I’m going to do, it’s going to be August and I’ll have missed everything. That’s my life these days.

Get out and enjoy and don’t grow up to be like me.

This month we celebrate the birth of our nation.

Wave the flag. Shoot of some fireworks ... if it’s legal.

Watch I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy! Sing, “She’s a Grand Ol’ Flag. Whatever you do, make it about the USA and the red, white and blue.

This month we also celebrate the birth of the newest member of the Foolish Times family - Jonah Dee Mecham. Welcome to the world Jonah and congratulations to your Mom and Dad. Mom is our Art Fool, aka Morgan and now Mama Morgan. Get some sleep - all of you!

Happy Fourth of July. Be safe!

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

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July 2015

www.foolishtimes.net

Jake & Saul

Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?

A: Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Swatting Flies A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

“What are you doing dear?” she asked.

“Swatting flies - I got three males and two females,” he said.

“How on earth do you know which gender they were?” she said.

“Easy - three were on the beer and the other two were on the phone.”

50th Anniversary At the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Ralph on his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Ralph replied to the audience, “Well, I’ve treated her well, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired, “Trips to where?”

“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Italy.”

The minister then said, “Italy, how nice. Ralph, you are a terrific example to all husbands. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

Ralph said, “Well, I’m gonna go to Italy and bring her back.”

Generational Gap A self-important college freshman at a recent college football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.

“You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world,” the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. “We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and uh …”

Taking advantage of the pause for breath in the student’s litany, the wizened one said, “You’re absolutely right, son. We didn’t have any those things when we were young. So, we invented them!

Now … what are you doing for the next generation?”

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“Jake, open the newspaper to page 31.”

Jake and Saul are two old retired “Why, what’s in the paper?” widowers who reside close to each “Jake, get the paper and open it other and do constant welfare to page 31 NOW!” checks on each other.

“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, Much of their relationship so what’s on page 31?” is based on pragmatism rather “Jake, open the paper to page 31 than real friendship or personal already!” affection.

“All right, don’t be such a pain One day, as he drinks his so early in the morning already. morning coffee, Saul opens the So, what’s on page 31 that’s so morning paper and turns to the important?”

Obits page. He gets the shock “Jake, look at the bottom of of his life when he sees his own column four.” obituary in the column. He “Why? What’s that story on?” realizes that the query for info “Jake, read the story on the on him by the local newspaper bottom of the column already!” several months earlier was in “OK, OK, I’ll start reading the preparation for this event. column if you stop yelling in my He correctly surmises that ear!” it is a mistaken entry from The paper rustles for a few their database, premature and seconds, then a long silent pause erroneous. It still rankles him, so ensues. he calls Jake up.

Finally, Jake comes on the line “Jake, are you up yet?” quietly and fearfully asks, “So Jake sleepily answers, “Yeah, Saul, where are you calling me mpc_Coasting Ad_qtrPage_SC.pdf 1 6/16/2015 12:21:25 PM but I’m only now starting my from right now?” coffee.”

MPC Theatre Company Music by Cy Coleman Lyrics by Dorothy Fields Book by Neil Simon Directed by Gary Bolen Musical Direction by Stephen Tosh

CM

MY

CY

CMY

July 2 - 19, 2015

Thr. ∙ Fri. ∙ Sat. 7:30 PM Sun. 2:00 PM Matinee (No performance July 4th)

K

Morgan Stock Stage at MPC 980 Fremont Street, Monterey

831.646.4213 www.mpctheatre.com The Mistery Machine - July 25, 26 &27 Almost, Maine - November 2015 ∙ Scapin May 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

July 2015

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money!

Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

CAFÉ

SEAFOOD

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

FAST FOOD

BREAKFAST

If food were fast, we would all be running after it

First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey!

All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread.

170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting.

Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

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July 2015

www.foolishtimes.net shipped to the facility from bombmaking plants that had been temporarily storing the waste pending creation of a permanent nuclear waste storage site.

Latest Religious Messages

By Chuck Shepherd

Gigadollars and Cents • In April, Anton Purisima filed a claim in Federal District Court in New York City that the Lowering The Bar blog calculated was for the largest monetary demand ever made in a lawsuit -- “$2,000 decillion” (or 2 followed by 36 zeroes, which of course is many times more money than exists on planet Earth). Purisima’s lawsuit names Au Bon Pain, Carepoint Health, Kmart, the New York City Transit Authority and LaGuardia Airport among the parties allegedly causing him so much distress (by fraud, civil rights violations and even “attempted murder”). Lowering The Bar also noted that “$2,000 decillion” could also have been accurately nominated as “$2 undecillion” or even “two octillion gigadollars.”

The Continuing Crisis • Calvin Rodriguez was arrested in Port St. Lucie, Florida, in May as the man who had been using a shaved key to steal a series of cars from parking lots. His spree came to an abrupt halt as he sped away from police in a stolen Honda Civic only to crash into a huge alligator in the road.

• On May 1st, a wildlife trapper called to Pine View School in Osprey, Florida, south of Sarasota, removed four alligators (one of which was 8 feet long) from the campus while classes were in session (but without disruption).

• Beachcombers in the Gulf of Mexico town of Redington Beach, Florida, were treated on May 17th to the sight of a full-grown elephant treading water about 20 yards offshore. (The animal had made its way to the water after being unloaded for a commercial birthday party appearance.)

Democracy in Action • During a regional session of Spain’s parliament in February, a photographer from the newspaper El Diario Montanes captured a shot of legislator Miguel Angel Revilla looking at a picture of a nude woman (in a magazine otherwise concealed inside a folder). (He explained later that he was of course just reading the articles.)

• In May, U.S. Rep. Joe Garcia of Florida was captured on a C-SPAN camera during a House Judiciary Committee hearing casually eating his earwax. In the sequence, described on a Time magazine blog, he dug into his ear, inspected the results, placed them in mouth, then went “back for seconds.” (Rep. Garcia explained later that he was actually dealing with a “hangnail.”)

• One of the leading theories as to the cause of a radiation leak at a nuclear waste dump near Carlsbad, New Mexico, in February is the facility’s recent, unanticipated switch to “organic” kitty litter. Previously, an inorganic variety had been used to absorb liquid in the waste drums

• In April, India’s Delhi High Court judges declined to halt the local government’s program of posting pictures of deities on the walls of buildings in order to discourage public urination (that surely no one would soil his lord). The plaintiffs pointed out that the campaign was so clearly ineffective that perhaps the deities’ images were even making the problem worse— that “evidence” so far shows that confronting the images might even compel some people to relieve the “pressure on the bladder.”

• An unnamed 60-year-old Buddhist monk was arrested in Nantou County, Taiwan, in April after a convenience-store manager said he was caught red-handed swiping packets of beef jerky. “I don’t know why,” he told police, “but lately I had this craving for meat.” He also had trouble with honesty, initially denying his guilt before finally confessing to the officer that “I have let Lord Buddha down.”

(Buddhists traditionally are strict vegetarians.)

Fine Points in the Law: • The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals ruled in 2013 that it was not necessarily illegal for teachers to send students sexually oriented text messages­—that the state law banning the practice violated “free speech.” As a result, in February 2014, prosecutors in Tarrant County dropped their case against a junior-high teacher who had exchanged 688 text messages with a 13-year-old female student over a six-day period in 2012, on topics

such as “sexual preferences and fantasies” and whether either of them ever walked naked around the house. The messages would be illegal, the Court had ruled, only if they led to a meeting or an offer of sex.

• Despite a 1971 decision by the U.S. Supreme Court declaring that governments could not punish people who are merely “annoying,” dozens of towns (according to a March Wall Street Journal report) continue to regard the behavior as criminal. (The justices decided the word is too “vague” to give fair warning of which behaviors are illegal, but an Indiana deputy attorney general told the Journal that anyone with “ordinary intelligence” knows what is annoying.) New York has such a law, as do Lawrence, Massachusetts, and Cumberland, Maryland­—among the 5,000 mentions of forms of “to annoy” in a computer search of municipal ordinances. (Britain’s House of Lords in January blocked a proposed anti-annoyance law.)

• Among the discretionary punishments authorized to Georgia judges is banishing an offender from the county in which he committed the crime.

Complained driver Ricardo Riley (who as of February is barred from Walton County), “I didn’t commit no murder, I’m not a sex offender, I’m not a criminal. I just got a speeding ticket.” Judge Brad Brownlow, perhaps irritated at Riley’s request to reduce the original $250 fine, instead piled on punishments—including banishment. Walton County is just outside the Atlanta metro area, and Riley, from adjacent Gwinnett County, has friends and co-workers who live in Walton— but whom he can no longer visit.

Copyright 2014 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

www.foolishtimes.net

July 2015

Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Cool Man! It’s all becoming clearer in your sensory experience that being different need not be a threat. As in your case when in the presence of a potato you can feel its vibes and see it smiling at you. Starch is one of Earth’s greatest resources, like music is the glue of the world. Now you can reign where the Summertime is parched.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Flower Power! Last month’s wildflower expedition proved prosperous.

Bully no more, just a bubbly Begonia, a Ferdinand once again.

The uplifting experience between Nettles and Milk Thistle has proudly initiated you into Bull Whisperer of the year! You are no longer a mis-guided missile high on Red Bull.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Tie or Dye! You could end up a candyass unless you re-commit!

Tying that knot and dying that lot a rainbow scale could be essential to having peace and joy.

The mythic time zone of Mercury could help you adjust to this new way of being which is pinch, wring or just hang loose!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Bad Trip! You didn’t see that ninth Eclair being a dare to your equanimous birthday stature. You do have a little wiggle room left for bashfulness since it is your Burf-Day after all. But be sure not to miss the opportunity to open

up that pretty in pink Crab shell.

A crucial personal decision you will have to come to terms with, soon! Your fellow crustaceans love you and know when you are full of cream.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion WHAT A DRAG! Tearing all that meat out and having it go to waste. “They” just don’t get what EXUBERANCE is all about.

Their’s a fools scope. That small aperture is exactly their delay in seeing the whole picture and receiving all the abundance life has to offer. Go on and shake that holstered squirt gun at them and stain their clothes for shame!

Then have a Gas! It’s a paw-shank redemption.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Tee’d Off! Shooing away the neighbor’s ankle biter is no small feat especially when the parents are really neat. Analyzing your every move won’t give you control and going ape just causes you to lose your Day-glo. So when they ask if you have seen the Tyke’s drum set, you can answer, Beats Me. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Frizz-Be Free! This whole “hair” drama will dissipate like breath on a winter pane. This is the past and the present whizzing by you and leaving behind a beehive to balance. If you want to be the last Hipster standing, then power to ya! Individuate by being all that you can Bee!

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Psyching people out with those hungry eyes is groovy man!

Modern day addiction to speed, haste and hurry is nitwit hip. You undoubtedly know about repose in the summertime grass, sunshine, concerts and lemon-lime drinks.

This stare down you are daring will help put the Kibosh on! What happens when you mix astrologers and Hipsters? HIGH FIVE! Jinx!

You owe me a coke.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Get on the Horn to your tribe!

They are waiting for you to hip and jive. You have been tooling around in the garage long enough.

I know you are trying to be a little more homey and build stuff. But, the sounds alone are starting to make the night owls wonder and the groundhogs file their teeth.

It’s Work for you. Please, just HUMAN-BE yourself.

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat FINK-US MAGORAS! Taking stock of your wood-chucker mouth is essential…meanwhile back at the ranch…Whatever it was you said, it’s barking up a storm. However, this slip of a tongue twister is not a mission impossible to reverse. I suggest placing yourself in that person’s threads. Dig! Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier FAR OUT! You are such a visionary. Even though your windshield is full of ginchy gummy bugs, you can see forever.

You spin by hatching schemes,

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By Bini plotting dreams and setting goals. But it takes guts, drudgery of detail, and the minutiae of management to make dreams real. Doesn’t need to be a drag if you take baby steps.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes RIGHT ON! High levels of taste and enlightenment is a result of your extensive intellectual training and exposure. Still, distill the waters that cloud around the sea beds of this rich cultivation.

Take heed of those little weeds that grow and clamp themselves on the hull of a Black Pearl.

Difficult to overcome certain munchies of life’s various kinds.

Mercury is out of retrograde— time to ground those dreams into reality.

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face, and the other has his face on a bill.

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July 2015

What Would Mr. Morse Say?

By Rosie Sorenson

Now I know my sweetheart Steve is feeling better. He’s out in the kitchen of our temporary home in New Orleans, making gazpacho in our Nutribullet. And farting.

I can’t get mad at him, though, because on March 17, here in NOLA, he underwent a liver transplant, which is not as much fun as you might think.

So I’ll give him a pass on his farting. When I strolled into the kitchen and commented on his mellifluous sounds, he said, “Isn’t this how they do Morse Code?”

I replied, “Well, what are you trying to say—SOS?” I buzzed up my lips and blew out three shorts, three longs and three shorts (…

- - - …).

“That’s how you do SOS,” I said.” Smugness, thy name is Rosie.

“No. I was trying to do SOL.” “Oh.” Time to absent myself from the kitchen.

Steve received a diagnosis four years ago of “non-alcoholic, cryptogenic end-stage liver disease.” He’s one of those unlucky people to be stricken by a disease for which doctors could find no cause. The only cure? A liver transplant.

Even though we live near a topnotch transplant university in California, for some reason there are not enough livers available in the state to meet the demand.

During our first visit with the transplant staff, I asked the social worker why other states with transplant centers (Louisiana, Florida, Alabama) have more livers available. She said, with no recognizable hint of humor, “They don’t have helmet laws.”

I know I shouldn’t have guffawed, but what can a humor writer do except pluck that kinky thread when she finds it in something normally un-funny?

The good news about California’s mandatory helmet law is that more people can survive devastating mo-torcycle accidents.

The bad news: not enough organs for those awaiting transplant.

Steve would likely not have lived long enough to obtain a liver in California.

Steve flipped out of his hospital bed one evening, pivoted to the ground and grabbed hold of a wood panel underneath the sink After we received the devastating diagnosis, I joked to him that I planned to fill a styrofoam cooler with ice and load it into my car, along with a machete, so that if I encountered a motorcycle rider weaving in and out of traffic and generally behaving like an idiot, I could gently nudge him off the road into a light pole, thereby relieving him of his under-appreciated liver.

“Just make sure you get the gravel out first,” Steve said.

Four years after his diagnosis, Steve became sick enough to necessitate a transplant, but not sick enough by California standards to qualify for one. His physician advised us to move out of state. Thus, the trip to NOLA.

We figured that of our choices of Jacksonville, Florida; Tuscaloosa, Alabama; or NOLA, we’d take NOLA. That way, our friends and family would be more likely to visit.

The surgeons, as promised, performed a miracle on Steve.

He’s now recovering with his new liver. To the person whose liver he received, I’d like to say: “We are desperately grateful to you for becoming a donor.”

I can’t say it’s been all hunky dory in Liverville. That would be a lie. In fact, I’d recommend that you not do it, unless you have to.

One of the scary bumps in the road occurred after his surgery when he finally returned home to our apartment. We believed that with time and therapy, he would recover enough for us to return to California in about 4-6 weeks.

Well, as they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans.

We’d been told that the medications he would take for the rest of his life could come with side effects. Without drugs to suppress the immune response, Steve’s body would attack the new liver and destroy his chances for a long life.

We weren’t, however, told that Prograf could send him into a psychotic frenzy. The drug’s ugly side only appeared when the transplant surgeon increased his dose from three capsules to four.

The next morning, Steve made no sense when he talked, could barely lift his eyelids, could not keep his mouth open long enough for us to cram food or medications into him. Back to the ER!

www.foolishtimes.net At his craziest, Steve flipped out of his hospital bed one evening, pivoted to the ground and grabbed hold of a wood panel underneath the sink, yanked it free from its bolted moorings, and clobbered himself in the forehead. I had returned to his room just in time to witness this horror show, but not in time to stop it. I screamed.

The nurse hit the panic button and just-like-that, three hulking male nurses appeared and gen-tly eased Steve back into bed. They brought with them padded restraints. All I could think was, Oh what a pretty shade of blue when they attached them to his wrists.

His physicians finally stopped the Prograf, and within a few days, my kind, non-violent Steve had re-turned from his trip to hell, and I could finally breathe again.

So if farting gives him pleasure on earth, I say: “Let fly.”

And to the surgeons who saved his life, I say: “Thank you!” (“…. .- -. -.- -.--- --- ..-!”)

Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT is an awardwinning author, They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com Visit www.zazzle.com/theyhadmeatmeow to order original greeting cards, t-shirts, mugs, etc.

What do you call a duck on the fourth of July? A fire quacker.

www.foolishtimes.net

July 2015

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Moss Landing

45th Annual

Street Fair I’m a nursery school teacher and with the 4th of July coming our way, I took the opportunity to tell my class about patriotism. “We live in a great country.

One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.” One little boy came walking up to me from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

MoSS Landing

Half way between Monterey & Santa Cruz on Hwy 1

Sunday July 26th 2015 8aM - 5pM

Antiques, Vintage & Artisan Goods

Over 200 Booths BreakFaSt • Lunch • MuSic Admission $5.00 All Day * Kids Under 12 Free

Monterey County Weekly The Monterey County Herald

Vendors info: 831.633.4501 www.mosslandingchamber.com Free Parking! • Sorry, No Dogs Allowed

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July 2015

Birding

By Richard Matranga

I always wondered what my “sis” and brother-in-law found so exciting about the hobby of “birding.” But I couldn’t ignore the passion written all over my brother-in-law’s face after he had just just spotted a “bush tit.” So, I invested in some bird seed, feeders and a couple of bird houses and placed them outside on my “postage stamp” sized deck.

To legitimize and add credibility to my new hobby, I strategically located a pair of binoculars and a notebook in a place that my friends and guests would notice.

Then, I watched … and watched, as hours turned to days and days turned to weeks.

Suddenly, a few days ago, came a stunning development. I walked out to the deck with a peanut in my hand. Damned if an aphdlocoma corliescens didn’t glide right onto the deck, land right on the palm of my hand and take off with the goober. I was rather pleased with myself for having “trained” my little feathered friend so quickly . My arrogance was short lived. In less than a minute, the bird was back, landed on my palm, picked up the peanut, put it back in my hand, bit me, grabbed the peanut and flew off. WTH???

I had “fashioned” myself as a keen observer of human behavior

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

www.foolishtimes.net for many years. I determined that this was a ”scrub jay” manifesting bi-polar issues, i.e., one trip It would gently pluck the peanut from my palm without protest.

The next trip it would land, grab the peanut, drop it back into my palm, bite me, snatch the peanut and fly off.

I determined that this was a ”scrub jay” manifesting bipolar issues.

After completing 19 round trips and having pecked me 10 times, I began to realize that I was engaging in my own version of intra- species proofing , an easy trap to fall into when we try to define something as complex as the “behavior” of a living being with a stereotype or a generalization. After a more careful look , the flashing “DUMMY” light went on. Turns out I was being trained by TWO different birds.

No doubt , I was one of the slower humans they had “worked with.”

What is it about “homo sapiens” anyway? It was more convenient for me to assume that I was dealing with one mentally challenged bird than to consider other possibilities. Now, I had to reconcile this widely divergent behavior without employing old,

familiar, time honored, totally invalid methods of generalizing.

How could two ”lowly” scrub jays behave so differently when exposed to the same stimulus? I held the answer in the palm of my hand.

While It may be convenient to predict the behavior of other beings, based on stereotypes or generalizations, my two “mentors,” El Gordo and Slim, taught me a (painful) lesson.

El Gordo still gently plucks his peanut from the palm of my hand and my human friends are favorably impressed with my skills as a bird trainer. Within a couple of seconds, I hear Slim “squawk” … my “cue” to toss his goober out on the deck , no doubt, favorably impressing his feathered friends.

Richard, a native Californian, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at which time he began writing his memoirs, observations and philosophy about life … with a humorous “bite.”

Check out his blog, dickiedidit. wordpress.com.

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

Food, Family, Fourth of july, and Fireworks. The four best F words ever!

Answers on page 24

www.foolishtimes.net

July 2015

Traveling Up North

by Rex Keyes It’s summer again and it is time to hit the road and travel. Since it is a warm season the best places to go are the northern states like Montana, Oregon, Idaho and Washington. One may even want to travel to Alaska where the temperature can reach into the 80s. If traveling to Alaska, always bring binoculars and a good telephoto lens for your camera.

Believe me, you don’t want to get too close to those grizzly bears and those Dall sheep will be long gone before you get anywhere near them. Of all the places in Alaska, the highest concentration of wildlife in one place is Mt. McKinley National Park, now

known as Denali National Park.

Tourists flood to this park and the best time to visit is either at the beginning or end of summer.

Having one’s posterior heated when it’s below zero temperatures was and is still very important.

Alaska also has a lot of wildlife in its bars. It is unbelievable the number of bars in the state. Of course, when we lived up there

Tow Truck Fishing Don’t Get Caught on a Hook

Essex will Maintain Your Car to Keep You on the Road Complimentary Visual Inspection

a guest of ours visiting from the “lower 48” had a major complaint, “Heck, it’s daylight when I go in the bar at 10 pm and daylight when I leave at 1 am.”

In Anchorage in summer the sun barely dips below the horizon and further up north in Fairbanks it stays up 24 hours. Alaskans do not sleep as much in summer as they do in the long nights of winter. It seems that the sun being up so long doesn’t make one as sleepy. One can paddleboard, kayak, play tennis or go fishing in daylight at 10 pm or 3 in the morning.

Now if you happen to get invited to a local’s house for

11

dinner they will have a vast array of beverages to offer. It is custom in the state. They will also have an SUV or Jeep for a vehicle or an American car. There is one exception. Those Swedes. They came to Alaska with their Saabs, the first cars to have heated seats. And in Alaska having one’s posterior heated when it’s below zero temperatures was and is still very important.

I have to mention, July 4th, Independence Day. It is all American, with barbecues, fireworks, parades, airshows and families having a good time. And it is a day to be nice. Put aside all family differences and have a good time.

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July 2015

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Variety of Facebook Friends

By Debbie Harris I’ve been on Facebook for a few years and I love seeing the events of people’s lives, their children and grandchildren, their accomplishments and their loves.

But during this time, I’ve started noticing certain types of friends, at least among mine, who have themes in their Facebook posts, such as . . .

The Foodie—this person posts recipes and pictures of the finished creation and pictures of what she’s eating that day. I’m not sure why. Maybe she’s gloating that her food is better than mine (or maybe that’s just the way it always works out). Maybe she wants to assure her friends that she’s eating, like she’d tell her mother. Maybe food creations are her art and she wants to show it off. A lot of my Facebook friends are Foodies or partial Foodies.

The Militant Vegan—associated with the Foodie is the Militant Vegan. This person posts all the ways we are poisoning ourselves

with animal based foods and shows pictures of how delicious vegan meals can look. I admit, a kale, brussels sprouts salad with organic walnuts and cranberries looks beautiful, but I doubt that would adequately fuel in my tank on a busy day. The Militant Vegan also posts pictures of famous, accomplished people who are/were vegans. I don’t think I can buy into any argument that says that these people are accomplished because they’re vegans. Ulysses S. Grant was an accomplished general who became President and he wasn’t a vegan.

He was an alcoholic.

The Animal Rescuer—a twolegged dog with a mini go-cart for hind legs, a cat blinded from abuse that can still catch mice, and a newborn pup being hand nursed after his mother was killed in a fire. These are just some of the posts the Animal Rescuer shares. When you have an Animal Rescuer as a FB friend, keep the tissues handy and be prepared for donation requests.

The Politico—Just a few posts from this person lets you know his political views and how he vote. FB friends get to see the candidates and initiatives of his choice and his rants against the platforms and politicians they dislike. Right now some folks are so anti-Obama, they believe Obama causes irregular weather patterns (not climate change) and Obamacare is the reason they haven’t had their hammertoe looked at. I wonder who they’ll blame their problems on when Obama’s gone!

When you have an Animal Rescuer as a FB friend, keep the tissues handy and be prepared for donation requests.

The Lifer—this is the person who apparently has nothing else to do but be on Facebook. She posts videos that demonstrate this. A nine minute video of a bird building its nest, a 13 minute video of a marching band that has no one she knows in it, and 22 minutes of a man building a guitar in his garage are just a few of the Lifer’s posts. Log onto Facebook

any time of the day or night and you’ll see that the Lifer is on too.

It seems that the Lifer needs to get one.

The Cat Person—this person thinks that anything with a cat in is worth viewing. A cat stealing the dog’s bed (so funny!), a cat up on its two hind legs with front paws on a kitchen table full of food (adorable!), or a picture of “Grumpy Cat” with a snarky message (LOL!); these are the type of messages I’ll . . . er, I mean, The Cat Person will post.

Then there’s that person who posts her Foolish Times column on Facebook every month. Sheesh!

How annoying is that!

Hi Facebook friends! Thanks for sharing with me!

What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

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July 2015

Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

Discipline Is Key Some people have affairs when they are bored in their marriage; when they are missing a je ne sais quoi in their lives, they reach out for some type of adventure, some action even. We ain’t nothing but mammals, except we wear pants.

Pesky little restraining jackets for our legs. I apologize, I digress.

I decided to join the Army, the reserve, but the Army nonetheless. I am a 30 yearold prior service woman and I decided to switch things around.

I am an adult; I know what I’m doing … I think.

I shipped off to Basic Combat Training and I was shot immediately with various vaccinations, immunization boosters, penicillin and the flu shot (can’t be too cautious nowadays), then I, and 170 of the finest future soldiers, was picked up by our respective Drill Sergeants. To be a Drill Sergeant you have to be a lean, mean killing machine. The Army chooses you to become a Drill Sergeant or you can choose to be a civilian. Needs of the Army, you see.

Some people compare Basic Training to going to jail; after all, our freedoms are revoked. Except we did not get frequent phone calls, or internet access, or eight hours of sleep, or time to eat our meals, or television privileges … man, jails sounds pretty good right now. On the bright side, (yes, there is one) I did get to do things I have never done before, like camping while armed with an M-4 and 3 cans of bug spray;

although, spiders, much like the honey badger, do not care. I did forget to spray a part of my leg and that is where a tick bit me.

Never underestimate thy enemy.

Lessons you learn, kids.

July is when we celebrate the independence of our great nation.

The dictionary defines patriot as a person who vigorously supports her country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors. Not the football team, not the people who listen to country music, drive trucks, wear cut-off flannel shirts and drink Budweiser but the one percent. I would like to thank all the service members in all the military branches for their hard work and sacrifice, except the Coast Guard, because come on guys, really?!

The struggle is real.

The Riotous

RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

The Axolotl

How come there’s no Knock Knock joke about America?

Because freedom rings.

Ignorance of the axolotl Is no reason to hit the bottle It lives its youth in lakes and streams And disappears at times, it seems To later emerge from larval state No longer a child it seeks a mate When this happens take a gander And you’ll see a salamander.

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

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July 2015

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By Lily Brun Berries play a huge part in the Fourth of July celebration, it seems. Many of the lifestyle magazines right now have covers with patriotic-looking tarts, cakes and parfaits dotted with blueberries, raspberries and cherries strategically placed to recreate the red, white and blue.

My berry patch is currently in full swing. Although, I must admit it’s un-likely I’ll recreate the American flag in tart form.

My ollalieberries and raspberries and blackberries barely make it to the kitchen before I’ve eaten them all. There’s just nothing like picking fresh berries off the vine in the early morning hours, dew still on the leaves and popping them into my mouth, juice dripping down my chin, fingers stained red. I cannot tell a lie, at that moment, sharing is not in my vocabulary. Hmmm, a little George Washington-esqe.

I wonder if our first president felt that way about cherries? The story goes that when he was a young boy he was given a hatchet, which he liked using so much

In actuality, a Washington biographer fabricated a lie about telling the truth. Irony at its finest. that he accidentally on purpose chopped down a cherry tree. True to the form he later showed as the Father of our Country, he owned up to the crime and said that famous line, “I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet.”

Of course, this tale is most likely not true. It’s become part of

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, ‘Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

the Washington mystique, a myth behind the great man. In actuality, a Washington biographer fabricated a lie about telling the truth. Irony at its finest.

But I wonder, if it were true, what did they do with all the cherries? Did they bake a pie?

Make a trifle? Eat them right there in the orchard? If I had chopped down a cherry tree, I’d be sure the cherries didn’t go to waste.

Admittedly, the lesson learned here is about honesty and integrity and owning our own bad behavior, however, when it comes to food there’s another adage … waste not, want not; a proverb first

recorded in 1772 at a time when our forefathers were fighting for independence.

Which brings me back to observing our nation’s birth this month. Which brings me back to patriotic desserts. Which brings me back to my morning interludes in the berry patch, something I’m incredibly grateful for.

So, make a flag cake or a starspangled banner fruit tart or a red, white and blue trifle or even just a simple cherry pie and celebrate our 239 years.

I plan on stuffing my cheeks full of berries.

Job Hunting Tips

Winning a spelling bee is impressive but KFC wants to be sure you’re smart enough to avoid deep frying your hands Be aggressive. Don’t be afraid to call a potential employer every few hours When asked why you left your previous job, make it clear it wasn’t your fault In your cover letter, let them know their company sucks and would be better by hiring you Post your resume online; this will give you legitimacy that only the internet can offer In the interview, if you feel they detect you’re lying, throw a smoke bomb and escape during the confusion

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July 2015

Super Summer Specials

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality

by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.”

A. Pat Boone B. Lily Tomlin 2. “Seeing so much poverty everywhere makes me think that God is not rich. He gives the appearance of it, but I suspect some financial difficulties.”

A. Victor Hugo B. Bill Gates

Come See Tony

3. “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

A. Phyllis Diller B. Socrates 4. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”

A. Sigmund Freud B. Robert Benchley 5. “Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”

A. Garrison Keillor B. Saddam Hussein 6. “I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”

A. Zsa Zsa Gabor B. Martha Washington 7. “I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.”

A. Mikhail Gorbachev B. George Carlin 8. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says: ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”

A. Henry David Thoreau B. Dave Barry Answers (all true): 1-B 2-A 3-A 4-B 5-A 6-A 7-B 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Needy 5-6 Modest 3-4Scientologist 1-2- Hyperactive 0- Territorial Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

Celebrate America this Month!

Answers on pg 24

Yankee Doodle Dandy Cohan George Broadway James Cagney Irish Song Dance Franklin Roosevelt Vaudeville White House Military Over There Composer

20

July 2015

Declaration

By Ted Gargiulo

Am I the only person alive these days who, upon seeing the first fireworks stand of the season, does not salivate with joy? If I didn’t know better, I’d swear we ran through this tired scenario last summer. It seems way too soon to reprise it.

Forgive me if I do not automatically gravitate toward parades, picnics, backyard barbecues and other such summertime recreations. Not that I have anything against them, mind you. I rather like them, as long as I don’t have to twirl a baton, and someone else prepares the food. Problem is, I’m normally too busy enjoying my freedom all year to take time out to celebrate it. Can you understand that?

Probably not I may be one of the few quasisane members of this society who feels no compulsion to relive whatever fun I presumably had last summer, or the summer before that. Or who, for reasons unknown, chooses NOT to ape the customs of folks I’ve never met, or pass them on to my hypothetical children when they’re as yet too young to appreciate what’s going on, much less think for

themselves. Furthermore, in the event that I neglect to indoctrinate said youngsters in the fine art of adopting every popular creed, sentiment and/or institution known to man, I reject the notion that the poor, emotionally deprived darlings will grow to despise me, that they’ll hobble about through life like tormented, misanthropic, dysfunctional misfits, drop out of school, drop out of society, abuse drugs, and bring shame to my family. And you diehard, bleeding heart traditionalists can’t convince me otherwise.

I relish my uniquity.

(Is “uniquity” a word?)

Sometimes I envision a universal temperance overtaking the masses, a day when exhausted citizens of this fine land grow weary of reenacting the same rambunctious scenario every July.

A time when would-be celebrants say, “Enough! No fireworks this year! We’re too old and too caught up in other concerns to be jumping through these ancient

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1772? The Boston Flea Party.

www.foolishtimes.net hoops again. It’s time we think outside the calendar.”

Do I foresee any of this happening? No, not really.

Still, I’d like to believe that maybe, just maybe, people would learn to exercise their hard-won liberties without sabotaging everyone else’s rights. That families and neighborhoods will find a way to celebrate a major holiday, or someone’s birthday, without boozing or brawling or shooting up the block, or crashing their car into a Pizza Hut. So too, I’d like it if my wife and I could enjoy our Independence Day at home quietly and simply, without peeing our pants every time somebody explodes a cherry bomb outside our window.

Obviously, I’m not like everybody else. I’m quaint, quirky, contrary, cantankerous, outspoken, terminally odd, out of touch and out-of-whack … a basic poop head. Say what you

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

will. That doesn’t make me any less patriotic than the next guy.

I take immense delight in being different. I relish my uniquity. (Is “uniquity” a word?) Why Because this is who I am. Because being unique defines my independence.

It’s what makes me free. And besides, it was MY sacred, inalienable right to BE a poop head that our nation’s founders fought and died for. Am I right?

But hey, don’t let my remarks ruin your holiday. You enjoy your Fourth whichever way you choose, y’hear? Only, please point your missiles away from my house.

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

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Stay healthy my friends!

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FOOL CURB on the

July 2015

21

Get Politically Involved!

In the spirit of patriotism, we asked these foolish questions to patrons at Duffy’s; located on High Street just outside The Presidio 1) Yankee Doodle went where riding on a pony?

2) The term “E Pluribus Unum” means what?

3) What is a vexillologist?

A) Jonathan 1) To town.

2) From many, One. 3) I have no idea, somebody who studies something, I’m not sure what. Someone who studies. . .troubles?

B) Jacob 1) Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony.

2) Many from nothing?

3) It’s someone who upsets everybody.

• Waste an enormous amount of time by speaking up at city council meetings • Listen to political speeches to know the issues the speechwriter stands for • Follow politics the way you follow sports or the sex change of Bruce Jenner • Young people should rock the vote. Older people should Mozart the vote • Engage in unproductive political arguments that break down to exchanges of personal attacks

Vote!

Seaside Parade of Champions C) Andre 1) I believe he went to town, I mean, what is “To Town.”

2) I believe it’s along the lines of “One for All and All for One.” 3) Someone who studies annoying people.

Sunday, July 5th at Noon

D) Jayy and Sherry 1) Jayy: Yankee Doodle went into town, riding on a pony.

2) Jayy: Equality?

Sherry: One of Many.

3) Sherry: Someone who studies how to piss people off.

Jayy: Someone who studies...Freedom.

No one answered all three correctly! We would like our Foolish Readers to chime in with their answers. If you cheat, we will know and make fun of you.

First five to answer all three questions correctly receive AUCE spaghetti dinner for two at Duffy’s. Send your answers to: 831.648.1038 or office@foolishtimes.net

Celebrating Our Nation’s Independence and Honoring Those Who Keep Us Free

www.sspoc.org

22

July 2015

Expired

By Sy Rosen

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A: On the bottom.

Q: What did the flag say to the pole?

A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A: A fire cracker Q: What’s red, white, blue, and green?

A: A patriotic turtle!

Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Q: How is a healthy person like the United States?

A: They both have good constitutions!

Q: What dance was very popular in 1776?

A: Indepen-dance!

Q: What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

A: The Fodder of Our Country!

Q: Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

A: Yeah, it cracked me up!

Q: What did King George think of the American colonists?

A: He thought they were revolting!

The following emails have been slightly altered to make me look better and nicer and smarter and for my adversary to look dopier.

Why else would I alter them?

To Whom It May Concern, I am writing about the expiration date on your vitamin bottles. It takes me forever to find it. And when I do finally find it, it is usually smudged or partially covered and impossible to read.

I do not want to take expired vitamins. Please look into this.

Sincerely, Sy Rosen Dear Mr. Rosen, Thank you for contacting us.

We are very happy that you have chosen to use our multi-vitamins.

Time after time after time they have been proven to be the best on the market. Now to answer your very important question: We do not recommend that vitamins be used after their expired date. I hope that helps.

Cordially, Bxx Mxxxx, Vice-President of Customer Affairs Dear Mr. Mxxxx, Thank you for the endorsement of your product (although I think you may have used too many “times”). However, you did not address my concern. I can’t see the expired date on your vitamin bottles.

Sincerely, Sy Rosen Dear Mr. Rosen, Yes, you are correct, I probably used “time” too many times (oops there’s another “times” – please don’t penalize me. Ha. Ha.) Now

let me address your problem of not being able to see adequately.

Vision loss is a very serious problem facing many Americans.

Vitamins C, A, and Lutein are very helpful for vision and we offer these supplements. Of course, in no way should this be construed as medical advice and we are not legally responsible for this advice.

Good luck, I’m pulling for you.

Cordially, Bxx Mxxxx, Vice-President of Customer Affairs Dear Mr. Mxxxx, Thank you for your very thoughtful email and I’m glad you’re “pulling for me.” But let me reiterate (that means repeat). It’s not that I can’t see the expiration date, it’s impossible for me to read it.

Sincerely, Sy Rosen Dear Mr. Rosen, Thank you for informing me as to the definition of reiterate.

However, I already knew it. Let me reiterate, I already knew it.

(Ha. Ha.) Now that we’ve finally straightened out what your problem really is let me address it. I’m sorry for your difficulties in reading. Illiteracy is a very serious problem in our country. (I guess someone is reading these emails to you.) We don’t have vitamins specifically for that problem but there are certain vitamins that can be taken to increase your intellect and you can find them on our website. Again, I am pulling for you.

Cordially, Bxx Mxxxx, Vice-President of Customer Affairs

www.foolishtimes.net Mr. Mxxxx, What is the matter with you? Are you deliberately not understanding me?

Sy Rosen Dear Mr. Rosen, I’ve really tried but I guess I just can’t satisfy everyone.

Cordially, Bxx Mxxxx, Vice-President of Customer Affairs Dear Mr. Mxxxx, Don’t feel bad. I’m sure there’s some sort of vitamin you can take to relieve your inadequacy; just make sure they haven’t expired.

I’m pulling for you.

Sincerely, Sy Rosen Dear Mr. Rosen, I wasn’t saying that I was inadequate.

Cordially, Bxx Mxxxx, Vice-President of Customer Affairs Dear Mr. Mxxxx I know. I was saying that.

Your friend (Ha Ha), Sy

What was General Washington’s favourite tree? The infantry.

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July 2015 What’s that hotty reading?

Don’t Sit Around with Nothing to Read Yearly Subscription $39 Call or Click 831.648.1038 office@foolishtimes.net

We know funny and this was NOT funny!

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Foolish Sudoku

Answers from page 10

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.”

Foolish Search

Answers from page 19

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

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Since 2009, offering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too!

Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

10th Street Ceramics

Enjoy a summer project for you and your kids.

Ready to paint projects.

All Ages.

1219 Forest Ave #H, P.G. 831.372.0124 ceramicspaintingstudio.com

PLUMBING

CHRISTIAN APPAREL

A and R Plumbing

Come As You Are Christian Store

Award winning business that offers great service, respectful staff and value for any and all of your plumbing needs.

831.394.7221 Family Owned & Operated aandrplumbinginc.com Lic #300628

AQUARIUM STORE The Ultimate Aquarium

Experience the joy of a fresh or saltwater aquarium. Great selections of fish, coral, aquariums and accessories. Maintenance & education by our expert staff.

831.372.3474

theultimateaquarium.net

Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith.

Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

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July 2015

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match, right? You’re wearing one red sock and one white sock.”

The blonde responds, “That’s so weird! I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home.”

Medical Nonsense

Something to Consider Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!!

Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it…..

take a wheel, “In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled.”

The third blonde takes the car door, “In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!”

Say What?

“May I take your order?” the blonde waitress asked. “Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special sir,” she replied, “we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die.”

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?”

She leaned over the counter and said, “Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.”

Car Parts

Outer Limits

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better.

The first blonde takes the radio and says, “If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music.”

The second blonde decides to

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were thinking about what they would do if they went to space.

The redhead said, “I would adopt a martian.”

The brunette said, “I would give Pluto some steroids.”

The Blonde said, “I would go to the sun.”

The redhead replied, “But you would burn up and die.”

The blonde responded, “Not if I went at night.”

Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.

What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.

Tongue Twister A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

“How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk.

“Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the blonde.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet.

“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.

“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

A couple is trying to have a baby.

Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!”

The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?”

She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”

History Lesson A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.”

A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

Mis-Matched Logic A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don’t match, one is red and the other is white.

Her friend sees her out and says, “You know your socks don’t

Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”

Student: “False. It was written in ink.”

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July 2015

Every Friday & Saturday In July

Planet Gemini

Featuring local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com

July 2-25

CSU Summer Arts Series

Over 30 public events showcasing concerts, dance, theater, lectures and readings. Free. www.csusummerarts.org

www.foolishtimes.net

July 5

July 16-19

July 21-26

Commodore Sloat’s Landing

CA Salinas Rodeo

Feast of Lanterns

If you’re around Custom House Plaza this morning, you’ll probably be as confused as the original folks who witnessed the raising of the American flag officially making CA part of the US

July 9-19

Dr. Mecurio’s Mythical, Marvels & Beastiry An original fantasy production written by master puppeteer designer, Ricki Vincent. Enjoy a blend of performance art, dance and giant puppets. www.Pacrep.org

One of the top rodeos in America.

With 700 cowboys and cowgirls competing for money and coveted buckles. www.carodeo.com

A PG tradition of family entertainment featuring a lantern parade to the beach with fireworks. www.feastoflanterns.org

July 18

July 23

Mommy & Me Baby Fair

National Hotdog Day

If you have a baby, are going to have one or you are one. A wonderful way to connect with resources, vendors, artists and more fun than being slightly potty trained. mommyandmebabyfair.com

Aerosmith

4th of July

More 4th of July

www.parks.ca.gov www.pacificgrove.org www.ci.carmel.ca.us.com www.soledad4thofjuly.com www.kingcitychamber.com

5th of July

Parade of Champions in Seaside Because everybody loves a parade! Brings out the best on family values and tradition. www.sspoc.org

The bad boys from Boston ride into town to kick off Rodeo Week. www.carodeo.com

July 11

Kiddie Kapers Parade

July 18-August 1

Carmel Bach Festival

Oldtown celebrates the 85 annual parade featuring 1,200 kids riding bikes, floats, walking or being carried by parents to kick off Rodeo Week. As per tradition, each kid gets a $1 bill. www.oldtownsalinas.org

Enjoy the 78th season of this glorious event that offers a diverse array of musical experiences. www.bachfestival.org

July 12-August 9

Dating back as far as 1104, if married couples could prove they were faithful and loving for the past year, they were awarded half a pig, known as a flitch of bacon.

Bring home the bacon!

Blues in the Park

Laguna Grande Park is the place to be for free Sunday concerts featuring touring blues bands. www.ci.seaside.ca.us

July 24

Amelia Earhart Day

Happy birthday to the special female aviation pioneer.

Legend and mysteries surround her final flight with navigator Fred Noonan in her attempt to fly around the world. Some theories involve conspiracies and alien abduction.

July 10

Kick off the celebration with a parade down Alvarado Street followed by a lawn party at Colton Hall. Twilight concert at Golden State Theater featuring Monterey County Pops. www.oldmonterey.org

America’s favorite summer meat product with consumption of over 85.7 billion weenies each year.

What’s in a hot dog? Don’t ask, don’t tell.

July 19

Flitch Day

July 26

Moss Landing Antique Street Fair

Our Resale Trail leads to Moss Landing for this annual event.

Find that hard to find collectible or just spend the day enjoying all that is Moss Landing. mosslandingchamber.com

July 27

Take your Pants for a Walk Day

Give your pants some exercise.

They may be looking a little tight around the middle. A walk will do them good.

July 2015

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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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