Foolish Times November 2016 by Foolishtimes

November 2016

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November 2016

What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S. Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks I recently read about the increasing number of roadside assistance calls where cars five years or newer lead this parade. Why? Low profile tires are more susceptible to leaks and damage, the keyless system adds a drain on the battery and my favorite, the low fuel warning light is being ignored by the driver. Cars are getting smarter and drivers are getting dumber. I have two vehicles both over five years old. As a matter of fact, one is a year younger than my son who is in his early 20s. The “Ultimate Driving Machine” and the little pick-up truck have been reliable and low maintenance. Both deliver me from point A to point B. This is the reason to drive, right? I pop the hood and I see…an engine. What a concept. My mechanic’s garage doesn’t resemble a surgery center. He has tools and tells stories of repairing cars. A few years ago my brother and his wife moved from Texas to Florida to fulfill her dream of working for Disney. There were challenges qualifying for a home loan and they called to ask for help. The asking price for a three bedroom house was $65,000. I saw a pre-owned car on a lot asking $63,000. I took a

picture and sent it to him. I suggested he withdraw the information for a mortgage and ask the lender for an easier to get “car loan” to cover the price of the house. And I wonder why I’m not invited to visit them in Florida! There is no sweeter smell than the new car smell or better feeling knowing people stop to watch you get out of a beautiful vehicle. There is no worse feeling than sitting on the side of the road while you wait for a tow truck. I’m not a mechanic but I can fix any car for about a dollar. It’s a For Sale sign. A note from under our desk: All of us here at Foolish Times are thankful for all the positive feedback throughout the year. It’s motivating to know we have great loyal readers. Without you and our advertisers, we would not be able to make our area a better place to live through humor. Thank you all.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

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P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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November 2016

www.foolishtimes.net “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” *** My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to goodlooking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!” “Now, calm down,” says his father-in-law. “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll find out

what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.” *** I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

***

*** While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men I was drawn to were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.” *** I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. *** My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” *** My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock

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November 2016

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SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

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MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary. 7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

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November 2016

www.foolishtimes.net The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”

Come Fly with Me

Ride the Bus

Left or Right

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When the bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver, “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?” The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.” Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “Will it take me?”

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, ‘Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...’

Over the Moon Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

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A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, “How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?” “Um, just a minute, if you please,” he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, “Thank you,” as the phone went dead.

Fatherhood A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, who’s the other father?”

It’s Greek to Me A blond guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, “Don’t waste your time on that one. She’s a lesbian.” The blond goes over to her anyway and says, “So which part of Lesbia are you from?”

Lightheaded A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. “Can I help you?” he asked. “Yes,” replied the woman, “I dropped my diamond ring and I’m looking for it.” “Did you drop it right here?” asked the cop. “No,” responded the blonde, “I dropped it about a block away, but the light’s better here.”

Superstition Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, “I hear sirens. Jump!” The second one said, “But we’re on the 13th floor!” The first one screamed back, “This is no time to be superstitious.”

Geometry A blonde went to buy a pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please,” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

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November 2016

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram The fools of November will always remember the omen of the white owl which is “too much of a good thing makes it bad.” Don’t be so gauche, mon ami. If you keep brushing the opposition out of the way like flies on your pumpkin pie, your arena will eventually echo back to you it’s eerie ancient emptiness. Then we will be forced to baste your weary heart in day old turkey juice and leavins. Even a warrioress needs a posse. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Daniel Boone was a man, was a big man...on TV. He was only 4 ft. tall. But he was determined to be big! Like Bull, you, the determined settler who follows, builds and cultivates the soil. Even in a dust bowl you are earthy as french perfume. Take heed and recall in the “Sea of Grass” with Hepburn and Tracy. Supposedly Hepburn was needy and Tracy warned of a weedy seedy splendor in the grass. Don’t be an ass! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Je ne’n crois pas mes yeaux! It’s not a bird, it’s not a plane... actually, it is...a 20 sided mix of art and science, a ICOSAGON! This is you Gem. You may even outwit yourself at times due to your many face shifts. Meandering through your own kaleidoscope can be treacherous, but the sum of your interior corners seem to fair with the fun house. You’ll never be a regular square.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab A soul of caution you are. This places you out of the realm of personal experience. Say if the dancers of Le Moulin Rouge were trepidatious about their petticoats missing pieces, could we still call it the red windmill that turns around our heads, our stomachs and our hearts? Trust that you can, YOU Can-can. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Your people keep hammering at you about your monarchy while you’re trying to rest up for another conquest. The non-believers would be wise to follow your self-assurance especially when it surrounds you like glowworms illuminating the way. Show them how it’s done under the gun your Highness by calling ahead to have your filet de Turkey specially killed...it is afterall a moveable feast! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin You’re “tremblement de terre” fussy fit is stifling the very force of nature around you. Recall how the Swallows of Capistrano perfected their droppings every year because they trusted in the unknown. They somehow knew it would be put to good use. Your mission is finding the jewels in your skat. This will relieve you of your overall skepticism. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Sacrebleu! You are so sauvage. What else can be done for you!? Peel you some tape and save the sticky for your face-lift, or pop you a cork or French you a fry! You are

so happy when others are doing your work. You are a superb listener...can you hear that stampede! A LIBRA-CON won’t work this time. No lucky charm can get you out of this overdue vision quest. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You can administer instant arthritis with just a prick. You do nothing by half measures, but this could be an area of consideration. Too much of a good thing can leave you begging for more of less. With your incredible depth and brilliance this birthday could bring you the trust to be swept away by outside forces. Ouch! You did it again! I can’t feel my arm... Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer WANDERLUST and wander you must! Is the grass greener on the other side? Does it smell like freshly cut lawn, or douse your senses with fertilizer? Your soul may need a peace treaty to recover from the simple fact that all life recycles. Over the hill and through the valley the grand discovery is that your perspective is what makes things anew. You can always wander all around wonder. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Purposeful pursuit making you purple? Time for a Belle Epoque. Letting your spontaneous parts play and run is essential for continued growth and prosperity. It all comes down to what you love to do. Put a cap CAP on your poverty stricken attitude and find a green space because presently joie de vivre is a La Mode.

By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Touché! You are astrology itself. Wacky, witty, madcap and unorthodox. You deliberately provoke others to summon their most open mind...how divine. You know all is fair in love and war, a two-way Rue. Recycle a train station and create a turkey farm. Loving the unconventional indeed. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes A teepee in le Bois de Boulogne is very bohemian of you PI. You dive full heartedly into research. You could become une Legende Indiennne! You may encounter obscure characters in the park though and you being of half-body half spirit, you must ALWAYS beware of someone else’s hard luck story. Especially the funny ones in trench coats, known as Le Flasheur.

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November 2016

C o m p o st Tea

by Roger Freed On NPR a while back a group in Portland, OR gave a recipe for compost soup, or as some call it, compost tea. Now, I know its good to be organic, but I thought this sounds just a little TOO organic. The people of Portland might feel the need to come up with a beverage to match that of the fantastically profitable Seattle coffee companies but they don’t need to go this far. Compost tea is perhaps getting a bit too “back to earth.” They mentioned that it is quite nutritious, but I feel we only need so much nutrition. If you really want to get technical about

it, dying could be considered “getting back to the earth” too, but I’m not going to try it until I have to. Then they said the ingredients — worm castings … WORM CASTINGS!!!?, bat and seagull guano … GUANO!!!?, and processed for 12 hours … PROCESSED FOR 12 HOURS!!!? For those who don’t know what the literally correct term of “casting” means it stands for “poop.” Yes, that is right, worm poop. I never knew the little babies were capable of it, but I guess they are (I myself would

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not know what end to expect it to come out of). Anyway, if that isn’t bad enough, bat and seagull guano is also poop, but of a higher evolved form. Boy, this tea is starting to sound like it is right up there with champagne. Now guano has actual value, in fact certain South American countries have actually fought wars over who has the right to certain islands covered with this “slimy gold” which is valuable as fertilizer. Is this what is known as getting into other people’s sh..?

This whole affair reminds me of other bizarre edible items such as bird’s nest soup. As I listened on, I realized that the concoction was actually intended for plants. Thank goodness! This is a relief since I had the additional fear that

www.foolishtimes.net Monsanto might try to genetically modify it. Of course, I don’t know if I would wish either of these options upon any plant that I keep company with. This whole affair reminds me of other bizarre edible items such as bird’s nest soup which is made by boiling the nests of certain swallows so that the bird’s saliva in the nest flavors it. (Note: it is an amazing aspect of capitalism that they can make a product from both ends of a bird.) Also, there is chicken foot’s soup which, as you can guess, is made from yet another unique part of a bird which, when deprived of it, could probably no longer muster up any more saliva or guano so the chicken farmer might want to long consider which product he will want to harvest first. A few questions trouble the mind over this life enhancing new discovery: Do you need a special machine to brew this, like an espresso machine is for espresso? If so, who is the poor guy who has to clean it up afterwards? Does the FDA have anything to say over it? Is Celestial Seasonings going to buy the rights to it? Don’t plants get enough humiliation in life without being subjected to a shower of this stuff. Let’s just hope the British don’t get wind of it.

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Why can’t you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.

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November 2016

A Plastic Grocery Bag Connection

By Debbie Harris For many people, turning their calendar to November reminds them that the shopping season will soon be upon them and they’ll need to purchase extra food for Thanksgiving and other holiday celebrations. Purchasing all of these items requires shopping bags, which most folks in Monterey County now have to bring with them if they don’t want to buy paper bags to carry their purchases. Even if people agree with the restriction of plastic bags in their town, most are annoyed by it at one time or another. We have to remember to bring our bags or pay the price. I think I’ve finally gotten used to not getting free bags, because whenever I make a purchase in another county, I feel like a renegade. The cashier will hand me a plastic bag with my item(s) in it and I look around to see if anyone is watching me receive this contraband. Did she make a mistake? Is this a trick? Am I on hidden camera? Will the prosecutor use the film in court?

Then I realize that plastic bags are legal where I am and I’m tempted to ask for more. Can you please bag each item of my purchase in individual bags? Separate the socks and put each in its own bag? I think of asking, but I stop myself and show gratitude to the plastic grocery bag gods for a new addition to my stash. Fortunately, there are people looking out for us here in noplastic-grocery-bag land. A few years ago when I told my good friend who lives in Spokane, Wash. about our impending banishment of plastic grocery bags, she sent my birthday package the next year with dozens of plastic grocery bags surrounding my gifts, used as the packing material. It made such an impression on me that I can’t remember what the gifts were, but I definitely remember the plastic grocery bags! My brother lives in Modesto and has free, wild access to plastic grocery bags and that has not gone unnoticed by me, my mother

or my father. The stress is on, Brother. Supply three households in Salinas with plastic grocery bags! Whenever he comes to visit, he brings some for all three of us. He’s our underground plastic grocery bag connection. I try not to be petty, but I noticed last time that Mom got more grocery bags than I did. No fair!!! Just because she gave him life, doesn’t mean she should get all his plastic bags! Maybe my brother has a plan in stocking up mom and dad with plastic grocery bags. That may give him leverage when it comes time to divide inheritance. “I’ll take back the plastic grocery bags,” he’ll say, “unless you want to negotiate some property . . .” Decisions, decisions! Visitors to the cities with the plastic bag ban have a couple of different reactions to not receiving a plastic bag at purchase. Outwardly, they nod their heads in agreement and praise the policy, expressing admiration for a city for being so environmentally aware. Inwardly these people are

annoyed thinking, “What’s up with these crazy environmental dweebs who won’t even let you have a bag when you make a purchase?? That’s stupid! I’m sure glad we don’t have this where I live!” I guess I can play both sides of the fence. I (have to) support the bag ban and all its virtue, all the while I’m getting underground contraband from others. Life is sweet when you have a plastic grocery bag connection! Whatever your plastic grocery bag status, I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving – a day to be thankful you don’t have to cook.

November 2016

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This Way Madness Comes By Rosie Sorenson Since 2015, more people in the U.S. have been shot by toddlers than by terrorists. And what has Homeland Security done to stop them? Uh, nothing. An article in the Washington Post opens with the story of a twoyear-old boy in South Carolina who, while sitting in the back seat of his parents’ car, discovered a loaded handgun, picked it up and shot his grandmother who was riding in the passenger seat. Questions linger: who would leave a loaded gun in the back seat of a passenger car? Or perhaps the two–year-old brought it with him because he really didn’t like his grandmother. Maybe grandma refused to buy him that Uzi he

was hankering after. The kid would have had a perfect defense. “I just found it in the back seat, your honor!” I mean, who would send a two-year-old to the slammer?

Isn’t it comforting, though, to know modern children are that talented and resourceful? The article goes on to say, “Cases like this happen a lot more frequently than you think.” One three-year-old even “managed to

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

wound both of his parents with a single shot at an Albuquerque motel.” Kid was probably practicing for his Cub Scout sharpshooter badge. You never know. In Milwaukee this year, another toddler shot and killed a relative, his mother, in the car. Again, who leaves a loaded gun in a car where a child can get at it? Isn’t it comforting, though, to know modern children are that talented and resourceful? For years, we’ve been treating them like babies, underestimating their skill and cunning. I say it’s high time toddlers got off their diapered butts and joined the gun bandwagon. Shooting

grandma? Or Mom? Now that’s something the NRA can be proud of. To the parents who think it’s cute to take their children to the gun range to practice shooting their miniature pink or blue rifles, I say, “Look out—you’re next!” But don’t forget―Christmas is coming. I can’t wait for the Barbie and Ken matching pistols; the Kermit the Frog video on how to load an AK-47; and the Betsy Wetsy doll that shoots bullets out of her butt. It’s good to be an American. So many rat-bankers, so many politicos, so little time! Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com

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November 2016

Greeter of the Human Race ….continued

By Laura “LA” Sottile Hello Beautiful Humanoidals ~ OOPS! Gotta Run! Running, running, running! I never thought to ask where I am going! Perhaps, this is why I am a late bloomer. I am in the race and that’s all that matters!! What Race? Ah yes, the human race. This pace is ferocious! There is my friend Penny Arcay, “Hi Penny! I will catch up to you on FaceBook.” I will click LIKE all over her face… book page. Running! Running again! Throw me a bone and I’ll show you how I can multi-task and tailgate my way straight to the marrow! Running, Running towards? Running from? OOPS, lost my bearings. Let me TEXT my friend Penny

Arcay and ask her if she knows in which direction I should go in. I need a sign! I need digital. A flashing or blinking, some kind of signaling to know my next step! A beep, a bang, a clack, a clatter, a clap, a clunk, a tap, a creak, a toot, a ring, a clink, a twitter… that’s what birds used to do, now they have to compete by tooting their own horns! PENNY has not answered my TEXT!!!! I cannot wait! OMG how can I wait?! Get a hold of yourself GHR Yes! I will wait. Waiting…waiting, if I cannot wait, then I cannot dream, if I cannot wait, then I cannot wonder, If I cannot wade in this narrow expanse of a moment, where lies endless wanderings then I cannot ride the adventure

of the unknown! I want to be tickled by surprise! Don’t you? I will take my chances and make a decision. Ah yes, my hand is clutching a bag full of appliances. Go To Storage Unit to place more unfamiliar “items” in the bagging area, YES! OOPS, forgot the code to punch and enter the elevator. No one is available. This culture of unavailability has no markers for me. This is a building and it should have alive human remains here. There is litter from Buger King. (I notice that most litter is junk food entitled.)

I need a sign! I need digital. A flashing or blinking, some kind of signaling to know my next step! A camera! It’s watching me! Hello! Hello! See this?! Oh my, yes, GHR momentarily reverted back to high school and flipped the bird. I am afraid that Cyber Hyper Techno Tango is stressing me out. WHERE is the UNPLUG?! There is no plug, it’s wireless. I rented this STORAGE SPACE for my extra APPLIANCES that couldn’t fit on my 3 by 3 counter. I even filed the owner manuals away for a rainy day. I find myself reminiscing how appliances used to last for years and now their shelf life is 44 days, 23 minutes, and 7 seconds. I didn’t pay extra for the insurance to ensure me of its possible disintegration. Somewhere in this jungle of wires and half watts a lush distorted limb eludes me, it’s my own arm waving for help. OMG, I’ve

gone viral. I know, I will go to FACEBOOK and click a whole bunch of LIKES for the STORAGE UNIT and then I am sure someone will show up smiling and full of joy to see me. Click, click, click, click, click, clack….click, click, tick, tack, click, quack. Human development dictates for us to seek each other’s company and yet I have clicked LIKE so many times I still see no one and I’m not feeling any bodily sensations! DID I make the mistake of assuming we were going to hold, hug, playfully push, grab each other from falling? Instead I fear my limbic resonance is becoming a distant relative. At least my arm has some life left in it, be it neurotic, it still has breath, or perhaps a sigh of a million words. PENNY ARCAY! YOU’RE HERE! Why didn’t you answer my text?! OUCH!!! Yes, you are right to pinch me too remind me that you ARE ACTUALLY HERE IN BODY AND SOUL! Go on PENNY throw me a bone and call me a Knuckle Head. Thank you PENNY ARCAY, for coming and knuckling some sense into me. PENNY insists that ART begins where people meet. Humanoidals, we are going to meet each other again. We will travel many directions in one, the moon will be with us and so will the sun. We just need to ask WHO’S Steering? XOXO GHR LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author lalaugh6@gmail.com

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November 2016

CUDDLES FOR SALE

by Robyn Justo

So I met with a friend recently who casually mentioned an invitation that she had for that evening and asked me if I was interested in joining her. “It’s a cuddle party,” she said, smiling. “A WHAT??” I asked, scrunching up my face like a cabbage patch doll. “It’s $20 to get in,” she added. “So let me get this straight,” I said. “It’s a party where people cuddle, like lay on the floor in pajamas, and they actually PAY to do it?” “Yes,” she explained. “But it’s best not to go with anyone who you might be jealous about.”

I was instantly transported in time, back to my kindergarten self, and it was nap time. My teacher would not allow me to sleep next to my boyfriend Brian. I had a meltdown. Now adults were paying to do the same except the deal was that they could request to cuddle with someone they found interesting (or perhaps with roundness instead of angular edges). I was having another meltdown, present time. What was this? Was this an opportunity to wear Casper pajamas with feet sewn in (or flaps in front of the good or bad parts) and get up

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for Mr. Yankees!” The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!” Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?” “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their hospitality and humor.

close and personal in a flannel coated orgy? Were we so tech-ed out and numb that someone figured out a way to nonchalantly rub on one another and monetize it like everything else? And jealous? First of all, I

I was instantly transported in time, back to my kindergarten self, and it was nap time. would not take someone I cared about and smile as they snuggled up to a hottie. Nope. I broke up with Brian (I was five) when he bought another little girl the same doll that he bought me. Hell no I wouldn’t take a guy I liked and hell yes I would be jealous, especially if the cuddlee was wearing Victoria’s Secret lingerie. So I started to wonder what this was really about. Was it created by women who didn’t get their mates to cuddle after sex? Was it a psychological experiment to see what human shapes and characteristics people were drawn to physically or even one that measured the level of judgement that we had about one another? Or was it about loneliness and the simple need for human contact? Was it really at such a premium now? And IF I went and no one wanted to cuddle with me, could I handle it? It had been a while since I had

www.foolishtimes.net cuddled anyone. Hugs yes. And that other thing that people do. But the actual cuddle thing? Nope. But would I succumb to a Casper cluster of horizontal hugging, me with my new cabbage patch face, primed and ready for my first public puppy pile Flaps and snaps with a few rules and regulations? Probably not. Then I recalled a relationship I had years ago where the only time (seriously) that he and I got along was when we were on the floor spooning in our own private puppy pile, without speaking. Ok, so I guess it wasn’t so bad, but only in the privacy of my own home, with my person of personal choice. We all love cuddling. We all need that human touch, some more than others. But I am honestly hoping that we as a culture have not reached the point where we have to pay for innocent physical, transpersonal therapy (no, not THAT kind...I said innocent). I got to wondering…which of my friends might agree to cuddle me if I ever asked, if I ever needed? And would I ever be brave enough to ask? *** (A special shout out to my readers who have welcomed me back. Thank you so much for taking the time to personally connect! Let’s hug it out…vertically!)

Thanksgiving Day Count your blessings as each relative goes home.

November 2016

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THE ANSWER IS…the arts!

Facts. Figures. Memorization. They are the cornerstones to science education in elementary schools. But, come on, teacher, there’s got to be a way to liven things up a bit. For fifth graders through the Monterey Peninsula Unified School District, the Eco Ambassadors have come to the rescue. Teachers from various nonprofit agencies — including Return of the Natives, the Pacific Grove Museum of Natural History and the Arts Council for Monterey County — have teamed up with the school district to provide the sort of hands-on experience for students that allows science to come alive, both in and out of the classroom. The Eco Ambassadors program

sends teams of science specialists and artists to 11 elementary schools in the district. Last year, about 800 students learned about flora and fauna that are native to Monterey County, with an emphasis on pollination. The lessons were validated when they landscaped their campus yards with native plants and when they developed visual-arts projects depicting what they learned. This year, the Eco Ambassadors curriculum is concentrating student attention on water conservation. The ambassadors show up at each school five times between September and April. “The Eco Ambassadors program offers an outstanding hands-on experience for our fifth grade scholars,” said

The Riotous

RHYMESTER By Stephen L. Millich

My Politics I am a liberal. I take the world as I would like it and act to make it so. I am a conservative. I take the world as I know it and act to make it better. Which of me is wiser, the spendthrift or miser? Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

PK Diffenbaugh, district superintendent. “Moreover, our teachers are very complimentary of how the program enhances their teaching in the classroom.” Arts Council officials believe that their participation in the Eco Ambassadors program provides a creative outlet that helps students retain the facts and figures they’ve learned. “For us, arts integration is really the focus here,” said Ellen Berrahmoun, arts education director for the Arts Council. National surveys show that upwards of 66 percent of educators believe that art instruction has been squeezed out of the classroom. Art instruction in schools is especially lacking in underserved communities. Schools that serve Latino and African-American children are half as likely to provide art education, according to the National Endowment for the Arts. Eight years ago, the NEA found that only 26 percent of American Latinos aged 18 to 24 received any sort of art instruction while in school. The percentage among AfricanAmericans was 28 percent, while 59 percent of white respondents said that art was part of their curriculum while they were in school. In an effort to bridge that gap, the Arts Council for Monterey County has developed a variety of programs in underserved communities. Last year, for example, the council sent artists of every stripe to five of the Soledad Unified School District’s after-school programs to create a full-scale performance of “The Woman Who Outshone the Sun,” a Zapotec folk tale that was rewritten to

November 2016

incorporate the nearby Pinnacles National Park as its setting. Over the course of about 20 weeks, elementary school students worked on props, puppets, rehearsed dance numbers and theatrical roles that culminated in two performances staged in Soledad. And back at the Monterey Peninsula Unified School District, the Arts Council recently helped coordinate a request for about 65 guitars for use in two different schools, Marshall Elementary School in Seaside and Los Arboles Middle School in Marina. Over the years, the Council has worked with the Monterey chapter of Guitars Not Guns to provide guitars and lessons to foster kids, at-risk youth and others in a classroom setting. Students who complete the lessons are given guitars. Most recently, working with the school district, the Arts Council worked with Guitars Not Guns to provide guitars directly to the music departments at Marshall and Los Arboles schools, for permanent use. Berrahmoun, the arts education director for the Arts Council, said its partnerships with agencies with similar goals help bridge the arts-and-music gaps that exist in area schools. While the mission of the Arts Council is to improve the quality of life for all Monterey County residents through the arts, its commitment to help schools introduce the arts to children who might not otherwise be exposed to music, visual arts or theater remains a priority. “It’s obvious to me that we’re filling a need,” Berrahmoun said.

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www.foolishtimes.net (once overwhelmed by gun deaths) say their program, commenced almost 10 years ago, has produced a 76 percent drop in gun-related crime.

By Chuck Shepherd

Channeling George Carlin • “Military Intelligence”: The head of U.S. Navy intelligence has for more than two years been prohibited from accessing classified information (as the Pentagon disclosed to The Washington Post in January). Vice Admiral Ted Branch came under investigation in 2013 in a corruption scandal involving a foreign defense contractor and various Navy personnel and might have been suspended from all duties -- except that, given the political gridlock in Washington, no consensus candidate has emerged. No charges have been filed against Branch, but before he enters any room at the Pentagon, classified material must be stowed away.

Recurring Themes • New World Order: Yet another woman gave birth to her own granddaughter in January. Tracey Thompson, 54, offered to be the surrogate mother for her fertilitychallenged daughter, Kelley, and delivered a 6-pound, 11-ounce girl at The Medical Center in Plano, Texas. • After notable successes in the United States, Latin America claimed in December its first transgender pregnancy after Ecuadorean Fernando Machado announced he was expecting a child with his partner Diane Rodriguez. Fernando used to

be “Maria:” Diane used to be “Luis:” and though both undergo hormone therapy, they have retained their birth organs. • Overexcited police departments occasionally feel the need to safeguard towns by zealous enforcement of anti-gambling laws. In November, police in Altamonte Springs, Florida, raided the Escondido Community Clubhouse, formally shutting down the retirement village’s games of bingo, bunko, penny poker and — most controversially — the weekly sessions of the culturally venerated mahjong. Although none of the games is illegal under state law, advertising for-money games is, and the notices in the Heritage Florida Jewish News were such attentiongetters that the pots for the games often grew to exceed the $10 legal maximum. (Given mahjong’s sociological significance, news of the bust was even reported in Jerusalem’s Times of Israel.)

Perspective • On the heels of a similar program in Richmond, California, Washington, D.C.’s D.C. Council authorized funding in January to pay stipends to notorious criminals if they stop committing crimes. Police would identify up to 50 residents likely to violently offend again in 2016 and offer them periodic cash payments plus special training and educational benefits — as long as they stay out of trouble. Officials in Richmond

• About a decade ago, several fast-food restaurants (especially during evening shifts staffed by sometimes inadequately trained managers) were plagued by a prank phone-caller, posing as law enforcement requesting investigative help, asking managers to strip-search employees for “contraband” and to describe the searches in real time to the caller. (A suspect was arrested, and the calls stopped.) Managerial judgment was also on display at a Morro Bay, California, Burger King in January when a prank caller somehow convinced BK employees to begin shattering the store’s windows because of a purported “gas leak.” Several windows were smashed in, and an investigation of the call is ongoing.

Awkward • In January, Israeli television journalist Eitam Lachover became the latest to be injured in a highprofile test of a “protective” vest when he volunteered to be stabbed on camera for a news segment. Vest company officials’ faces turned quickly sour as the blade penetrated the vest (though the wound was described as “light”). • In January, 15-year-old Anthony Ruelas, trying to rescue a classmate gasping from an asthma attack, became the latest casualty in public schools’ relentless insistence on “zero tolerance” of any deviation from rules. Gateway Middle School in Killeen, Texas, suspended Ruelas for two days for what others called his “heroic” assistance in gathering the girl in his arms and taking her to the nurse’s office — while the teacher, following “procedure,” waited passively for a nurse to email instructions. (Ruelas had defied

the teacher, declaring, “(F-word) that — we ain’t got time to wait for no email from the nurse.”) The school district’s superintendent later cited a federal law that he interpreted as justifying the procedure.

Age-Old Prank Fails • Will Lombardi, 19, was charged with arson in Northampton, Massachusetts, in January after he acknowledged that “probably” he was the one who left a flaming box of excrement on the front porch of the family with whose daughter he was feuding. The fire was supposed to alarm the victim, who would try to stomp it out, thus spreading the feces and soiling the stomper’s shoes. In this case, however, the fire had spread a bit. (Bonus: Lombardi’s box selection was a used mailer with Lombardi’s name and address still readable.)

Least Competent Criminals • In January, a 27-year-old man in North Pole, Alaska, became the most recent forced to flee a crime scene on foot because he had locked his keys inside the getaway car. He was identified by surveillance video outside the two businesses he burglarized, but he was still at large. • Also in January, David Boulet, in Tacoma, Washington, became the most recent to haplessly try to steal a police car. As officers chased him on an earlier charge, Boulet spotted a parked, marked squad car (with lights flashing), but apparently thought, in the night’s darkness, that the car was momentarily unoccupied. He climbed in -- and landed on the lap of a Tacoma police sergeant in the front seat. Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Universal; Walnut St, Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

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November 2016

Mira, WOW! By Daria James

No Escape From Reality Just in case you have not noticed the pumpkin spice everything, and cinnamon and ginger smells that have joined everywhere have not given it away, the muchdreaded holidays are here. The stores are on it, they don’t even wait for you to remove your Joker and Harley Quinn make-up and recover from the Halloween hangover. Eggnog Gatorade, anyone? It replenishes the fluids you lost due to your immoral behavior. Nevertheless, do not fear, after all, it is the holidays and we are all about forgiving. Unless. Your religion rubs me the wrong way because my religion is cooler and holier than thou and you dress funny, or you are of a certain ethnicity, or a woman, or you are below a certain income bracket, or just not cute enough to be forgiven. We love to forgive cute people, especially if they are wealthy. Stop to think about that next time you are thinking about

committing a crime. Forget what Jesus would do. Am I cute enough to get away with it, is the real question here.

We love to forgive cute people, especially if they are wealthy. Some of those poor suffering good-looking people might argue that it’s hard being handsome, problematic even, an obstacle in life, and I would love to side with them but I got real difficulties to focus on. Just suffer through it, darling. It builds character. Lest we get the wrong idea, I think I am good looking (it’s called self-esteem for a reason) nonetheless, I am not nitpicking. Curtain up, light the lights; here is the part where I wink, side-smile and point. This could easily be a musical, but I’m not good at tap dancing.

November is the official deadline for the summer body that never happened, summer loving had me a blast. Enter the infamous holiday weight (formerly known as Christmas weight), and hoodies to cover up how supersized you have gotten. Essentially it should take care of it itself, if you think about it. You get a couple of extra…ness. Thus, you are not deprived of an adequate level of body fat to insulate you from those extreme California temperatures. Meanwhile, I will be going through my second East Coast winter and I am ready. I have learned that with great snowstorms comes no responsibility (what are the people in Westeros complaining about), because I get the day off from work. Do I miss California?! Well, I have no desire to deliberate in a grueling manner. Adapt and overcome say I. California will

still be there later. Until. You know, it sinks… Personally, I am prepared for that event, looking at real estate in Arizona. Hello beach house! My own special dream, the sky meets the new acquired sea… Wait, that might be Bali Ha’i….But same concept. In a more dramatic fashion, I suppose. What will the Red Hot Chili Peppers write about then?! You know how hard it is to rhyme with Arizona?! On a similar note, I have been watching Back to the Future II, just in case Biff Tannen becomes president. They do say science fiction becomes science fact, speaking of which, right now would be a great time for that handy-dandy time machine. Come on, people! Are you not familiar with the Scorpion and the Frog fable?!! Spoiler alert: both died!

National Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month Grab the Jelly! Answers on pg 24

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November 2016

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on the

FOOL

CURB

1. What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum? 2. If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? 3. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man? Mark 1. None. Ascorbic acid I’m sure. Sugar. Something bad for you. 2. I hope not. 3. I have no idea. I imagine white.

Anne 1. I’m not sure. Tropical fruit but I don’t think it’s real. 2. As long as they have somebody to kiss. 3. Their eye color.

Michele 1. I have no idea. I can’t chew gum. 2. Why not! 3. Beige.

Julie 1. I think it would be called nonexistent fruit. 2. Yes they do. 3. Eyebrow color.

Solarzar 1. I wouldn’t expect there to be any real fruit in Juicy Fruit gum. 2. Yes. NASA has a particular branch dedicated to exploring the mistletoe brought back from space. 3. Bald is not a hair color. The hair color of a bald man should be nonexistent.

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November 2016

By Lily Brun

Happy Thanksgiving! Let’s Eat! November, the month of Thanksgiving, a celebration of our country’s first harvest festival with the native peoples and proclaimed a national holiday by George Washington in 1789. This yearly gathering is a time when family, friends, neighbors and communities come together to give thanks for all that we have and … to eat! Don’t we all look forward

While the ancient Egyptians did make a marshmallow candy, there were no Peeps at the Pilgrim’s party. to that Thanksgiving meal of favorites: candied marshmallow topped sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry relish, bread stuffing, mashed potatoes and, of course, the centerpiece of the day,

Happy Thanksgiving! Don’t forget to set your scales back 10 pounds.

a roasted turkey. For whatever reason, these dishes have become best-loved food on this day, made by generations of families as must-haves. As a gardener, I like to grow what I eat. So last April when I was mapping out my vegetable garden, I decided to try and grow my own Thanksgiving meal of side dishes. So, here’s what we’re eating: a) Beans - harvested in August, frozen and waiting for the casserole dish b) Tomatoes - Sun-dried - a good addition to the stuffing c) Carrots - in the root cellar d) Beets - with the carrots e) Figs - dried for use in the stuffing f) Potatoes - hanging out with the carrots and beets g) Blackberries and raspberries - picked in August and frozen ’til right before the big day h) Rhubarb - stalks in the freezer maybe a pie i) Leafy greens - still in the ground, but ready to eat j) Pumpkins - untouched until after Halloween I guess I won’t starve, but I will have to put on my best creative chef’s hat to make a meal worth celebrating. And that’s exactly what the Pilgrims and native Americans did. They cooked what they had on hand. Honestly, it didn’t look much like what our 21st century Thanksgiving party has morphed into. There most likely weren’t any sweet potatoes, or potatoes of any

kind. These root veggies didn’t show up in North America until well into the 1800s in, and here’s no surprise, Idaho. And while the ancient Egyptians did make a marshmallow candy, there were no Peeps at the Pilgrim’s party. More than likely, there was a scrumptious roasted turnip and groundnut dish to feast on. As well as beans … got that, carrots … yep … spinach, lettuce and cabbage … in the bag. Getting closer to that harvest meal menu. Sadly, there was no pumpkin pie. Pumpkins, and other squash varieties yes, but no butter and flour equals no pie crust, thus technically no pie. They did use the pumpkin as a vessel to make a sort of custard with milk, honey

and some spices which they then roasted in the gourd. I’m thinking this is the earliest beginnings of créme brulée, by definition burnt creme which could have happend in the make-shift cooking fires of the 1600s. So what about that turkey and its stuffing? Well, we know there were turkeys. They were common, although not plump or white, but still served up as part of the feast. About that stuffing … it was probably more like a corn meal mush of sorts topped with the local wild blueberries, plums, grapes, gooseberries, raspberries or cranberries and served with the bird not in it. I guess traditions happen because they become what we’re used to, not necessarily what we really want. I’m not so sure that what I’ve grown is actually the meal I want, but by golly, I grew it so it’s getting eaten! Hmmm … maybe a back-up plan is in order. I read that Hyatt does a great buffet.

November 2016

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A local surgeon always stopped at a bar to unwind and enjoy an almond daiquiri after a stressful day. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” Dick replied, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

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November 2016

Flatulence, Evil Clowns, and Prohibiting Weight Gain

by Rex Keyes

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta. Q: What happens if you eat a dinner of yeast and shoe polish? A: You’ll rise and shine in the morning. Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor? A: Because it wasn’t peeling well. Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: Because it saw the salad dressing. Q: What did the asparagus say to the mushroom? A: You’re a fun guy. Q: What’s the best thing to put into a pie? A: Your teeth. Q: What did the nut say when it got a cold? A: CASHEW!

Ya all can sleep very peacefully now because the California legislature has enacted regulations that will protect us from methane gas which causes global warming. They have enacted rules that will reduce flatulence from cows that produce methane gas (cows actually produce more methane gas from burping and their manure). It is great to see our legislature take on such serious matters. Of course the price of milk and cheese may skyrocket but it is well worth it. I don’t know how the millions of dinosaurs ever survived with all the methane gas they produced. Imagine one large brontosaurus putting out methane gas equal to about 20 to 30 cows not to even mention other dinosaurs like T.rex and Triceratops. And little did we know that when we wiped out just about all the buffalos in the U.S. we were preventing global warming. There is a famous saying to “be aware of your surroundings.” It seems that with the new upcoming horror movie from Steven King’s book there is a craze in the U.S. with people

dressing up like creepy and evil clowns scaring people and even using the outfits in store and bank robberies. This craze has even spread to Australia and Europe. Clowns are now getting a bad reputation. Ronald McDonald has been cut back on many of his appearances until this evil clown craze passes. Target stores have pulled many, if not all, of their clown masks off the

Clowns are now getting a bad reputation. shelves. Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey circus doesn’t take too kindly to this creepy clown craziness which has spread throughout the U.S. Clowns are supposed to be good people that bring fun and joy to kids and adults, but now with all the creepy outfit, they seem to bring evil. The evil clowns are appearing everywhere: in residential neighborhoods, on city streets and along roadways. So the title from the song, “Bring in the

Clowns” seems to be happening everywhere until the mad craze subsides sometime in the future. So be on the lookout for a creepy, evil clown in your neighborhood or in town. The state legislature tried to protect us from being overweight by putting a huge tax on soft drinks. I guess that must have fallen by the wayside and that is good, for this is the season to eat, drink (rum and coke) and be merry. We have all that candy from Halloween. We have Thanksgiving dinner consisting of eating a big turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, bread rolls with butter and a slice of pie with whipped cream. And that’s only Thanksgiving. We basically have the same meal at Christmas and New Year’s Day. And if you take in Christmas and New Year’s parties with all the appetizers, we now go completely off the scale in terms of gaining weight. It will be interesting to see if they try to enact any new laws next year to prohibit weight gain. So enjoy what you can, while you can and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Q: What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass? A: An investigator. Q: What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? A: You can’t tune a fish. Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A: A cat-has-trophy.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!

Don’t be a turkey and eat like a pig.

November 2016

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PRO FOOTBALL TURKEY The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

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DOG SITTING & WALKING

MAID SERVICE Lily’s House Cleaning

Dependable. Thorough.Punctual 15 years of keeping homes clean Residential. Commercial. Move outs. Complimentary estimates

831.917.3937

Central Coast Pet Sitter

CERAMICS CA TRAVEL BOOKS

TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com

No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675

MUSIC DJ Vossenova

Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.

831.236.5994 oldiestogo.com

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra

The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St Monterey . 9-5pm M-F

To Promote On Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038

www.foolishtimes.net

KNOCK OFF it

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Mikey Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Figs Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Tank Tank who? You’re welcome! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Barbie Barbie who? Barbie Q Chicken! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Abby Abby who? Abby Birthday to you! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Howdy Howdy Who? Howdy I get in? The doorknob is stuck! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Orange Orange Who? Orange you glad to see me? Knock Knock! Who’s there? Cash Cash who? I knew you were a nut!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Justin Justin who? Justin time for lunch

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Cheese Cheese Who? Cheese a jolly good fellow!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, it’s overflowing!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Broccoli Broccoli who? Broccoli doesn’t have a last name, silly!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Pencil Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don’t wear a belt.

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Opportunity Opportunity who? Don’t be silly - opportunity doesn’t knock twice!

Knock, knock! Who’s there? A little girl A little girl who? A little girl who can’t reach the doorbell. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Value Value who? Value be my valentine? Knock Knock! Who’s there? Olive Olive who? Olive right next to you, I’m your neighbor! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Bacon Bacon who? Bacon a cake for your birthday. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Sweden Sweden who? Sweden sour chicken is my favorite Chinese meal!

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Amish Amish Who? Awwww How sweet. I miss you too. Knock Knock! Who’s there? Old lady Old lady who? Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel! Knock Knock! Who’s there? Doctor Doctor who? That’s a great TV show, isn’t it? Knock Knock! Who’s there? Jamaican Jamaican who? Jamaican me crazy Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!

WHAT TV CHARACTER SAID IT… 1) "Stiﬂe yourself, Edith." 2) "I see nothing! I know nothing!" 3) "Nanu, nanu." 4) "And that's the way it is." 5) "BANG, ZOOM! Straight to the moon!" 6) "Thou art kidding." 7) "Mom always liked you best!" 8) "Up your nose with a rubber hose." 9) "Sock it to me." 10) "Tish, I love it when you speak French."

11) "I hate spunk." 12) "Just one more thing." 13) "Nip it in the bud!" 14) "You rang?" 15) "Say goodnight, Gracie."

ANSWERS: 1) Archie Bunker 2) Sergeant Hans Schultz 3) Mork 4) Walter Cronkite 5) Ralph Kramden 6) Jeannie 7) Tommy Smothers 8) Vinnie Barbarino 9) Judy Carne 10) Gomez Addams 11) Lou Grant 12) Lieutenant Columbo 13) Barney Fife 14) Lurch 15) George Burns

Knock Knock! Who’s there? Norma Lee Norma Lee who? Norma Lee I have my key, can you let me in?

November 2016

13-15 correct: You cheated 10—13 correct: You’re either old or you cheated 6-10: Your friends helped you with the answers 0-6: You don’t have cable TV and your friends are stupid

November 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

November 6

Monterey County Composers’ Forum

Through November 20

“As Time Goes By.” A concert of original compositions performed by local composers and performers. www.heartflyer.com/mccf

Cloud 9

Western Stage is at it again on their studio stage with a show that challenges the imagination, brings gender identity, social roles, and society’s rules to the table in a comedic way. westernstage.com

November 3-10

As You Like it

Shakespeare would be happy to see this modern adaptation performed by the MPC Theatre Company. Mpctheatre.com

Taylormade Invitational Watch tour professionals and top amateurs in a relaxed setting at Pebble Beach. Free to attend. www.pebblebeach.com

November 10-18

Lady Washington

This tall ship that was the center of attraction in the movie, The Pirates of the Caribbean, makes its way to Moss Landing. www.historicalseaport.org

YAC is pulling out all the stops with over 60 artists presenting all new artwork. Boutique gift shop and holiday wreaths, YAC style! yacstudios.org

Community Dinner

The fairgrounds is the place to be to volunteer the day of or the day prior to prep and serve. Or just show up to eat from 11am-3pm. A free community event.

November 25

Shop Local Day

We all understand the concept. It’s the day to stay away from the malls and big box stores. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the things you find and the quality service behind the sale.

November 26-27

Gem Fair

Exhibitors from around the globe show off their jewelry, gems, crystals and more. Free admission with a can of food. www.gemfaire.com

The Holiday Season officially starts with this amazing show by world class rockers. Groove to holiday songs set to radio friendly rock. csumb.edu/worldtheater

November 11

Veteran’s Day Parade

“They had me at eggnog’. Proof that Santa’s elves are not the only ones making gifts all year long. wotm630@gmail.com

City Center Salinas hosts a parade to honor the men and women who valiantly served our country. salinasveteransparade.org

November 4-13

November 11

Monterey High presents this Arthur Miller classic about the Salem witch trials.

Holiday Art Show

November 24

December People

City Center in Salinas has the longest continuous running art walk in the area. Come see why. Artistasunidos.org

The Crucible

November 18

November 19

First Friday Art Walk

Holiday Bazaar

Meet the Author

Mary Alinder is uniquely positioned to write this first group biography of photography champions. The former assistant to Ansel Adams will present on her book, Group f.64. www.pglibfriends.org

November 17-20

November 4

November 6

November 17

Pop Up fashion Show

City of Seaside is partnering a pop-up fashion show hosted by Maddox. Pop in to this pop up for fashion, music and photo opp. www.ci.seaside.ca.us

November 27

Parade of Lights

City Center Salinas lights up the night with a grand parade. www.salinasparade.com

November 24

Thanksgiving Day

We all have so much to be thankful for. Thank you for allowing us in your reading world.

November 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

SPCA Benefit Shop

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

Yellow Brick Road

Second Chance

Branches Resale Shoppe

THE

RESALE

26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org

TRAIL

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road 831.272.4830

www.habitatmontereybay.org/restore

Love and Willow Grey

115 Monterey-Salinas Hwy, Salinas 831.455.7946 www.loveandwillowgrey.com

C B

E FEATURED SHOP LOVE AND WILLOW GREY

Where new meets repurposed A treasure trove of shopping featuring apparel, handbags, jewelry and home décor that compliment tastefully Shabby Chic and rustic styles of refurbished furniture. Open daily at McShane’s Nursery.