Foolish times August 2016

August 2016

Damn computer keeps saying I have mail...

I’VE WALKED OUT TO THE MAIL BOX TEN TIMES TODAY AND THERE IS NOTHING IN THERE! Art Calendar » Pg. 11

Robyn is Back! » Pg. 19

August 2016

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Join Us For: AUGUST 11TH, 5:30PM WINE MAKER’S DINNER AUGUST 12 TH, 5PM KICK OFF MIXER AUGUST 13 TH, NOON FOOD & WINE FESTIVAL R EG I O N A L W I N E R I E S • C R A F T B R E W E R I E S LO C A L F O O D • C O O K I N G D E M O S • A R T I S T S E N T E R TA I N M E N T • V E N D O R S F O R T I C K E T S A N D I N F O R M AT I O N:

W W W. S A L I N A SVA L L E Y F O O DA NDW I NE .C O M 8 3 1. 7 5 8 . 0 7 2 5

August 2016

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt, JJ Walters

The Chucklehead Speaks The talk in sports media has been all about Kevin Durant’s decision to play basketball for the Golden State Warriors. Leaving the Thunder was not a bad decision based on statistics to win a championship although I doubt the folks in the 73101 zip code are throwing a parade because they crunched the numbers.

As someone who is competitive, athletic and sports savvy, I feel qualified to offer my solution to the argument of players buying a championship. I came to this epiphany because as I grew older and couldn’t run as fast, jump as high or out muscle my opponent, experience did not always equate to wins.

My brilliant idea is for the best teams to drink beer during the game. There are 42 regular season basketball home game plus the playoffs. This can create branding opportunities for our local craft beer makers to be in the Warrior’s marketing mix. With all the time outs and stoppage of play, there is plenty of time for the cameras to focus on players re-hydrating with local suds while Steve Kerr draws up a play.

Once a Warrior player is inserted in the game, they will think they’re prepared to beat down their opponent with their superior skills only to find out the opposition is sober and now more evenly matched. Why? Because the other team has players who make less money and are less talented therefore don’t have to drink while playing. They’ll do that after the game like any normal team does.

Durant and Curry will be throwing up bricks and laughing. Why? Because they’re drunk! Draymond Green will just be throwing up. This will make the league more competitive. The TV viewing audience will find the game more entertaining and this style of play will attract a whole new type of fan who can identify with the athletes as they stumble around the floor.

There was a time I played to win because I was better. I now compete for camaraderie and for the other team to buy the first round. I represent the majority of athletes who participate in sports. We don’t buy championships and we play for free.

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Editor’s Note It is with great sadness and heavy hearts that we tell you, our readers, that longtime columnist Tom Burns, who wrote about his dog in Adventures with Rex, has passed away. Our heartfelt condolences to his friends and family.

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times | P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 | 831.648.1038

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August 2016

www.foolishtimes.net Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit–seems they’d matched him up with his wife. *** One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some

valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.

I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, “What trip ?” *** I’ve never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to

Tow Truck Fishing Don’t Get Caught on a Hook

Essex will Maintain Your Car to Keep You on the Road Complimentary Visual Inspection

work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair. *** Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?” Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”

Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

*** A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”

Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, “That’s not quite what I had in mind.”

Curious, he asks: “What did you have in mind?”

She retorts, “I’d like a divorce.”

He answers, “I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much.” *** A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The copper said, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women!”

Chickens are the only animals we eat before they’re born and after they’re dead.

I joined an online dating service and said I liked swimming and formal wear.

They matched me with a penguin.

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August 2016

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch.

Pet friendly garden patio.

Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea.

Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience.

429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 16th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled.

328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting.

Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items.

Full menu/ bar available.

1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

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January 2014

Blonde Inventions Some inventions are simply better left uninvented: Left-handed pencil Clear correction fluid Black highlighter Waterproof tea bags Braille driving manual Dehydrated water Screen door on a submarine Helicopter ejection seat Air conditioning for motorcycle Wooden barbecue Glow-in-the-dark sun dial Gasoline fire extinguisher Battery-powered battery charger Fake rhinestones Fireproof matches Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses Mesh umbrella Solar-powered flashlight

The Plane Crash Three blond guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains.

Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon. Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen.

How Do You Measure a Flagpole?

Two blond guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to measure the height of this flagpole,” said blond guy number one, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.

Blond guy number two shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Have fun with people who enjoy arguing— agree with them.

SeasideAutoDealers.com

JOKES

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Two young boys were in the same hospital room when one leaned over and asked, “What are you here for?”

“They’re removing my tonsils and I’m a little nervous.”

“Nothing to worry about, I had that done. They give you all the ice cream you can eat!”

“What are you here for,” asked the second boy The first boy replied, “Circumcision.”

“Sorry to hear that. I had that done when I was born and couldn’t walk for a year.”

SEC RETS

Of a Massage Therapist • Don’t call them Masseuses.

Don’t call them late for dinner either!

• Turn off your cell phone, selfies are in inappropriate.

• Don’t mistake them for sex workers just because you take of your clothes…

• Tip in dollars, not inside stock trading advise.

• Silence is golden.

Enough said!

• Someone busier that you is getting a massage right now!

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August 2016

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram One of these mornings you will rise up and admit you’re happy!

You will spread your flings to the sky and bid all that clinging goodbye. You can finally finish what you started…..growing up.

which is now blocking everyone’s view in this great arena of life!

Augustus the Great was great because of his humility. (His healthy pair of badunga dangles helped of course.) Swallow your pride or be cast aside like an alley cat! Happy B-day pussy...

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Picaroon! You are an avid collector of fine valuables. Your piracy may be hindered by thick & swampy summer heat. A shady character, such as a tree will give you some reprieve. Make sure to leave a token of thanks in the unspoken tree hollow, and soon you will find the key.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It ain’t necessarily so! You say you’re not upset, but you is.

Indulging in self-deceit is sinful.

You oughta decide if you’re going to be a pot of jam or an apostle of change. Otherwise a fossil of the deranged might be arranged.

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Gemmy you are knowingly Mercurial! You must foresee your overture’s superficiality. Adagio is the elixir for introducing life’s muddiest berceuses. Every note sinks and every rest drinks to evoke the murmurs of the heart’s wrenching & delicious realities.

Otherwise it’s a crap game, and you know how fickle that wizard of odds can be.

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Reason why you never feels secure enough is ‘cause you ain’t. It’s a long pull before you believe steamed heat can’t harm you. You is free as you wanna be, now go on and find where the livin’ is easy...

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion My-My, Pride is your achilles heel!

A small but fatal weakness.

Your wreathed mane is resembling an arrogant cabbage

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Your Mama is good looking and your Papa is rich! A good start since relationships are your metier. But what if Mama was butt ugly and your Papa is really your Unkie and a poh fool?! Still balancing with grace and charm?

Take real energy and put it into serving humanity and then you can be a true celebrity.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions A picnic in full swing and you chug in as a dancing danger!

Wow! And with rhythmic footsteps that can make a choochoo jump it’s tracks! Dat’s what you do! Now that you have successfully derailed any chance of intimacy with your milieu, watch out for flying glass! You is... who you is, a tad brass.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Is there a doctor in the house??

SAG has an element of doubt?

Unheard of! Summertime and the

living is squeezing you, all Cobralike and such. Staying huddled in incoherency ain’t gonna bring you no new rich dime. Chime in your gift of providence to hear that creaking door opening to Lady Luck—Oil them hinges!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat No concealin’ you are a sober & gloomy potion. Darn truth is Cappy, you’re not settling arguments. Marrying perhaps for money & prestige has only returned to you limited intrigue and oceans of fatigue. Speak up or forever hold your piece because “they” are coming to Bart you away to the isle of misfit goats.

Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Porky & Bess-amel sauce don’t

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By Bini makes you sporty. I understand that boredom is a communicable disease in your book of fables, but you must rise like a hot biscuit from the dinner table before you create a kinship with the Hindenburg. Imagine differently that peace is deeply thrilling. I know of a balmy summer breeze that can blow you away.

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Prodigious PI you have bounced back like a rubber bathtub toy!

You are jumping and the struttin’ is high. You create a special kind of magic so that everyone wants to see through your rose colored glasses. Do give them away-you won’t get laid, no fantasy arcade.

Reality is, they will purchase tickets for this piece of work, namely YOU.

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Hipsters: Why?

by JJ Walton Hipsters are like oracles. They can see into the future. It’s a little preemptive, but they are on to something. After all the differences in race, creed and ethnicity are blurred from the over population and environmental disasters that pin us all on one giant land mass, hipsters will try to walk around with their historic outfits on. The prospector’s hat from the 1890s, Italian leather shoes from 1970s and their hand rolled cigarettes lodged amongst their highly flammable, unkempt facial hair.

The only ones that will stand out are hipsters. Wearing and acting from a time that would’ve

been forgotten had it not been for their relentless attempt at being ironic.

In the future, when the majority of us are dressed up in rags or militant uniforms, hipsters will be the derelicts of society.

The non-conformists if you will.

But the irony is that hipsters will be a historical reminder of a time long since gone, they will still be viewed by me at least, as a confused people.

Speaking directly to hipsters: Your mixture of tattered rags and man bun had a place in the past, but no more. Please just put on a pair of jeans, smoke a cigarette with a filter that came

Near the end of their racing careers, a Lamborghini and a Ferrari made a pact.

The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven had car racing.

As luck would have it, the Lamborghini was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ferrari in a vision.

“I have some good news and some bad news,” the Lamborghini told the Ferrari. “The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here—NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it.”

“So what’s the bad news?” the Ferrari asked the deceased Lamborghini.

“The bad news is that you’ve won the pole position for next Saturday’s race.”

Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be welcomed by their humor and hospitality.

in a pack of 20, and stop raving about “musicians” that push a button on a laptop and call that “performance art.”

The irony is that hipsters will be a historical reminder of a time long since gone.

You are not iconic. You look like a bum that has access to a shower yet still refuses to use it. And you ladies that find these dad bods sexy, clear your eye glasses and raise your standards. You cannot bring to light that women make

.77 cents for every dollar a man makes and then see these doughy, hygienically challenged slugs as a potential mate. Try to find a guy that doesn’t know anything about prohibition era cocktails, respects the Beatles for their contributions to the world and has never uttered the words, “I only watch television in black and white because it’s so pure.”

Lastly, I must indemnify myself. I am speaking, of course, most stereotypically about hipsters. I am sure not all are bad.

What is bad is that I cannot be at peace with the amount of time I have spent attempting to find anything good.

MAKE ME Dear Crazy Neighbor, I know it was you who dropped off the bag of zucchini on my doorstep last night. If you’re doing this to get even with me because my broke down Gremlin has been parked in front of your house for the past month, I get it. I’m working as hard as I can to fix the car. Gremlin parts are hard to find and seem to be in high demand.

Zucchini Fri ers Ingredients

• 1 1/2 pounds zucchini, grated • 1 teaspoon salt • 1/4 cup all-purpose flour • 1/4 cup grated Parmesan

Instructions

1. Combine zucchini with salt; let sit for 10 minutes, drain 2. Combine zucchini, flour, Parmesan, garlic and egg 3. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium high heat

• 2 cloves garlic, minced • 1 large egg, beaten • 2 tablespoons olive oil

4. Scoop ba er, fla en and cook fla ened and cook until golden brown 5. Flip and cook on the other side 6. Drop them off in the middle of the night at the crazy zucchini lady’s house

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August 2016

Baby Boomers:

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Take the Money and Run

by Rex Keyes

The Baby Boomers are a group of people born between 1946 and 1964, post-World War II. The oldest of the Baby Boomers are now about 70 years old. So that means there is going to be a big change in the housing market in California. They are going to go by the words to an old song and that is “Take the Money and Run.” Sell that expensive California house; take the profits and run to another state where the living expenses are cheaper and you can live like a king or a queen. For example, Oregon has no sales tax and Washington has no income tax.

Lots of people live in Vancouver, Washington and shop across the Columbia River in Oregon that has no sales tax. California has just under a 10 percent sales tax, income tax and high property taxes with added on assessments for schools, fire departments, etc.

And do not buy another property, rent!! Why tie up all those profits unless you can buy a cheap condo (not in California) where you can lock it up and travel for a couple of months in Europe or in your RV with no worries?

Also you need to downsize. Have a garage sale or an estate sale and get rid of a lot of that stuff you have accumulated over the years like furniture, knick knacks or all those tools. Just keep enough for your new residence, and what you can’t sell, give to the Goodwill, Salvation Army or to your grown up kids.

The big question is where to move to? California has the best weather. The south has mosquitos, hot weather and high humidity, not to mention all those hurricanes. The north has cold

winters. If you have an RV or a trailer you are set. Rent a space up north in the summer and then travel down south and rent one there in the winter. If you don’t have an RV and can’t decide where to move to, take a vacation; a couple of weeks here and there in areas you might want to move to like the Carolinas, Florida, New Mexico, Montana or Arizona, etc., etc.

The secret is selling your house before all the other Baby Boomers flood the California market with their homes for sale. It is starting to happen now and will increase in the next couple of years as they get older. Also when you sell, then that would be the time to get that fancy sports car you always wanted. And if you get a convertible don’t forget to use suntan lotion on that balding head.

I will end with an old quote from the Baby Boomer generation, “The best things in life are free but you can give them to the birds and the bees, I need money, money, that’s what I need to retire.”

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’s still stationery.

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August 2016

Doodles and Doink

By Ted Gargiulo

An impoverished landowner, down on his luck, has deployed every device, every trick, every gimmick in his repertory, in an effort to end his life. Ropes, razors, drugs, poison, leaping from a bridge, leaping from a rooftop, crashing his pickup into a wall, jumping in front of a speeding train: he’s tried them all, but to no avail. Invariably, some good Samaritan, angelic entity or freak of fortune intervenes in the nick of time and saves the guy’s pathetic butt, or causes him to lose his nerve.

Desperate, he performs a lengthy search on the Internet, and manages to locate a discredited medical professional, who agrees to assist him in his suicide. Sounds like a winning plan at first. But he must play hell securing an appointment.

There’s all manner of red tape he’s forced to go through, applications, referrals, surveys, mandatory counseling, disclaimers to sign, etc. Twice, the doctor’s assistant misplaces his paperwork and makes him fill it out all over again. She bungles important messages and rarely gets back to him when she’s supposed to.

Worse, his dadburn insurance company won’t even cover the procedure. So, the landowner decides to borrow the money— figures, he won’t be around to pay it back anyway. However, before the fateful collaboration ever takes place, the court issues a warrant for the doc’s arrest, and both he and his assistant flee to South America.

Worse, his dadburn insurance company won’t even cover the procedure.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens!

In a last ditch effort to outsmart the fates, our hapless protagonist takes his prize stallion down to the county fairgrounds with the intention of trading him for a shotgun.

Indeed, a single blast from this double-barrel bad-boy would be quick and final. What could possible go wrong? Ah, but not so fast. The trader he’s arranged to meet happens to be a fanatical, nonviolent, law abiding venerator of human life. He’s also an astute

judge of character. Sensing the landowner’s desperation, and fearful that the guy might use the weapon on himself, he suddenly tears up their contract and aborts the transaction.

“I will defend to the death a man’s constitutional right to bear arms,” he solemnly declares.

“But I will NOT be an accomplice in your personal annihilation!”

And before you can say, “Spit in my eye and make me cry,” he packs up his shotgun and bolts out of the pavilion, leaving the landowner with the unenviable task of blowing his brains out with a horse.

What’s a poor schlep to

www.foolishtimes.net do? Relax! This is where the professionals at DOODLES AND DOINK can help.

Life got ya down? Suffered betrayal lately—and who hasn’t?

Do friends run out on you? Have folks left you hanging? Are you tired of being lied to? Of waiting in vain for people to “get back to you?” Of contending with forces in this world, natural or otherwise, that continually frustrate your goals for this life…or the next?

Then pick up the phone and give us a call. Our sensitive, highly trained counselors at D&D appreciate how supremely important you are. We understand your pain, and will defend your right to be taken seriously, however ludicrous your circumstances. Moreover, we’ll secure THE most ideal, THE most fitting settlement for you possible—even if we have to kill you ourselves! Satisfaction guaranteed!

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.

Push will get you almost any place you want to go — except through a door marked Pull.

Answers on page 24

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THE ANSWER IS…the arts!

2017 FINE ART CALENDAR RECEPTION Please join us in celebrating Monterey County through the winning artwork of our 2017 Fine Art Calendar Artists: Marvin L. Anderson (painter) Christine Crozier (painter), Dexter J. Farm (photographer), David Fleming (painter), Marie Gabrielle (painter), Sylvia Gardner (photographer), David J. Gubernick (photographer), Rod Heywood (photographer), Peter Hiller (photographer), Steve Maher (painter), Lee Munsell (painter), Robin Sawyer (painter), George Velasquez (photographer), and Steve Zmak (photographer).

Several are professionals and one is a high school student!!

Artist Reception: August 12, from 4-7pm at Spector Dance, 3343 Paul Davis Dr, Marina.

Meet all the calendar artists and Calendar Judges: Mary Hill, Juan-Carlos Gonzalez and Chris Winfield.

RSVP is required at klara@ arts4mc.org by Thursday, August 11, 2 p.m.

Guests are welcome.

Salinas Valley Food & Wine Festival - Call to Artists The mission of the Arts Council is to improve the quality of life in our county through the arts.

For this reason we are helping the Salinas Valley Food & Wine Festival organizers to connect with artists who would like to showcase their artwork during this event. The festival is offering different ways that you can participate. 10x10 booth space to

showcase your artwork, display your artwork in a designated area, or performing artists opportunities.

It is all happening Saturday, August 13 from 12:00 -5:00PM in Old Town Salinas. Your participation will show that The Arts are the Answer to connecting people with their community.

A limited number of entry fee waivers is available for Monterey County artists. Please contact Berniz House at berniz@arts4mc. org

“Welcoming the Prancing Stallions Back to the Corral” - Annual Ferrari Social Gathering & Fundraiser Get Your Tickets Today!! A very exciting benefit to support the programs of the Arts Council for Monterey County, Sorooptimist International Carmel Bay and the Rotary Club of Monterey Cannery Row. The Barnyard Gardens Concert Series proudly presents: “Welcoming the Prancing Stallions Back to the Corral” annual Ferrari social gathering & fundraiser. Join us for the 19th annual Ferrari Owners Club event on Saturday, August 20, 2016 during the Monterey Car Week. This year’s event celebrates a display of vintage and new Ferrari automobiles, wine tasting from various Monterey County wineries, small bites by restaurants in The Barnyard, entertainment and more. We will also have a great auction and artist showcase -- including a youth art competition. Tickets are $50 per person in advance and $60 at the door.

August 2016

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http://www.thebarnyard.com/ barnyardevents/the-barnyardferrari-event-8202016/ When: Saturday, August 20, 2016 from 4:00 PM to 8:00 PM Where: The Barnyard Shopping Village —3618 The Barnyard, Carmel-by-the-Sea, CA 93923

HELLO DALI!!!

On July 7, 2016 the Monterrey Peninsula Chamber of Commerce celebrated the inaugural exhibition of the Dalí17 Museum with a ribbon cutting ceremony.

Representatives of the community came to celebrate at the opening reception of the new exhibition.

Dalí17 is a permanent exhibition of remarkable and unprecedented art, including original etchings, mixed media, lithographs, and rare sculptures by one of the twentieth century’s premier and most celebrated surrealist artists, Spaniard Salvador Dalí.

“This is a wonderful addition to our thriving arts scene and to the numerous attractions Monterey County has to offer including the Monterey Bay Aquarium and Cannery Row, wineries, world-class golf courses and our breathtaking coastline,” says Tammy Blount, President

and CEO of the Monterey County Convention and Visitors Bureau. “We expect that the new exhibition will attract art enthusiasts and visitors because Salvador Dalí is so well known.”

Dalí 17 brings us Dalí’s wit, talent and vitality in a perfect setting. Their team has already energized our community!!

Opportunities - Visit the California Arts Council for job & grants opportunities in our state at http://www.cac.ca.gov - To learn more about national job opportunities, visit “Careers at Americans for the Arts” at http:// jobbank.artsusa.org/jobseekers/ - Please visit our web page to learn more about our local call to artists at http://arts4mc.org/ calltoartists/

After all the new and improved pain relievers, we still have headaches.

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August 2016

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Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

The other woman is perfect where her rival fails.

I love getting feedback from the people that support and read the paper and my humble column, thank you all for reading my words and taking the time to e-mail, call or send a letter.

Letters are my favorite, a lost art really. A bit more personal, if you ask me, wait, perhaps too personal. I try to reply as soon as I read the comments, while the information and my response are fresh. Since this is a monthly publication and I have deadlines, you have to wait a bit.

Nevertheless, your comments will not go unacknowledged.

Yes, that is my picture you see and the glasses are prescription.

I was one of those rebels that did not like to eat carrots. I still don’t, but I have glasses now. That picture was taken at sunset on a cliff near Big Sur. I miss those California sunsets, so Instagram and selfie worthy.

I was recently asked how I felt about Sugar Daddies; the older men that like to give a younger person (gender may vary) lavishing gifts in exchange for company and then some. Not the caramel flavored lollipops.

I actually have mixed feelings about both. It’s like, I want one

BARTENDED A five dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Sorry, this is a singles bar.”

A pile of trash walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Didn’t I throw you out yesterday?”

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

Bartender says, “Should I put it on your bill?”

A cell phone walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “You’re just in time for last call.”

A bottle of wine walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “Sorry, we only serve beer here.”

E-flat walks into the bar.

The bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve minors."

sometimes, but my body doesn’t really need it, and it’s probably not good for my teeth.

Personally, I think I am too old for a sugar daddy, but then again age is just a number when you are of legal age (that’s above 18 years-old). I would like to say I had too much dignity, self-respect or even morals and I could not accept such a generous offer back in my early 20s, but the truth is I had too many internal issues I was struggling with. I could not afford to travel and go find myself, so I had to fight my internal battles locally. You’re probably thinking: maybe, if you had taken a sugar daddy offer I would have been able to travel and find myself. However, I did not want to find myself with a bad taste in my mouth (both literally and figuratively) Then it dawned on me; maybe that is the whole point of being a sugar baby, you do not have to be mentally stable, and the moment you act up they can have another you in a minute.

I do not judge the individuals engaged in those types of business, everybody has to make a living and it is great for our self-esteem to feel appreciated, wanted even. I do think there has to be a mutually beneficial agreement: what are the terms and conditions? What is the statute of limitations here? Can you exchange a couple of small gifts for a black Louis Vuitton messenger bag because it is more

elegant? Do you get sick days? If you break up do you have to give back the stuff? Do not just jump into it (pun intended). Side note: nobody likes golddiggers! Well, maybe Kanye.

In conclusion: I am a strong independent woman that no need no man (Grammatically, that makes no sense. Nevertheless, the message is clear. Thank you, Beyoncé). Although, I do like presents. But then again, who doesn’t?!

Perhaps if I had skipped a few more therapy sessions and had more materialistic ambitions, and less inhibitions, an impresser undresser even, or if I was a songwriter for Lana Del Rey, I would consider said Daddy of the Sugar. In the meantime, I will not be taking applications for any corporeal affiliations. I’ll leave that to Sue Sylvester because her edition of Physical was better than Olivia Newton-John’s.

Thank you for your consideration and good luck with your future endeavors.

I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breath, and maybe blink.

I took “Introduction to Shakespeare” last semester and was very disappointed when he he never once showed up in class.

August 2016

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August 2016

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August 2016

A Wallet Full of Cards

By Debbie Harris Back to school usually also means, back to the store—to get clothes, school supplies and dorm room needs. These expenses can add up quickly, so don’t forget your rewards cards so you can get your rebates or discounts. If you’re like me, you’ll need a separate wallet for all your rewards cards. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in a coffee shop that offers a card I have stamped every time I buy tea and after every 10 purchases, I get one free. Yay! In addition to my coffee shop stamp card, I have an Ace Hardware rewards card for the times when I buy filler for my water softener; a Kohl’s rewards card for when they have a sale and also send me a 30 percent off coupon; a BJ’s reward card, even though I only go there about once a year and forget to present my card; a Babies R Us card, even though that local store closed and it turns out I’m not really a spoiling-with-stuff type of grandma; a Walgreen’s reward card, even though I haven’t bought anything from them in at least two years; a Best Buy rewards card that I’ve used twice

in 10 years; a BevMo! Rewards card for Christmas when I buy my imbibing friends wine or other spirits; a GH Bass & Co. Rewards card that I accepted the one time I bought shoes there; a Fan of Anna’s (Anna’s Linens) card that I keep as I still haven’t finished grieving the loss of that store; an Office Max Rewards card for when I need ink jets for my printer (I’m hoping to earn enough rewards points to get a new pouch for my reward cards); an Office Depot Rewards card because I probably bought something there and they offered to me (now that Office Depot and Max have merged, I wonder how my rewards cards will fare); a Save Mart/Lucky’s Shares card to get donations for my charities every time I shop there; a Safeway Club Card that’s scratched and worn; a new bank credit card that offers cash reward points; and a CVS Extra Care Card that I frequently forget to take when I walk to the store.

Whew!

Add credit cards to all my rewards cards, my Costco card, work ID card, Driver’s License, a Target Red Card, a bank card and

a library card and I’ve got a full wallet. I try to keep each type of card in a separate spot, but I can still get confused. Retailers are all about making their cards stand out and they think that making them red will do that. That doesn’t really work for me because I have nine red cards!

Sometimes when I reach in my wallet, it takes a do-over to get the right card.

Sometimes when I reach in my wallet, it takes a do-over to get the right card. Once I went to pay for lunch with my son at Red Lobster (do they have a red rewards card?) and placed a card down on the bill without looking closely. “Way to go, Mom” my son said. “Make the library pay for it.” Instead of giving them my credit card to pay, I had taken out my library card.

So happy back-to-school shopping and keep your credit cards separate from your rewards cards—even if they are red!

Why can’t a tryanosauras clap?

Its extinct.

What do you call an elephant in a phonebooth?

Stuck What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesawus.

What do you call a dinosaur that does not take a bath?

A Stink-o-Saurus.

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What do cows read with breakfast?

A moooospaper What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer (no idea) Why did the fastest cat in school get suspended?

Cuz he was a cheetah (cheater) What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

De-calf-inated.

What does a piece of toast wear to bed?

His pa-JAM-as

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August 2016

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Greeter of the Human Race ….continued

By Laura “LA” Sottile GHR here ~ Hello fella and fellow organic matter!

They took my picture - See and Finger prints too.

I needed you.

Alright, without having to reveal the abscess of this relentless journey, I hesitate to call it a journey, for a journey entails a sequence of movements that creates a pattern like a proud quilt’s stitch. Instead, this was a meddling groove, a gnawing on a marrowless bone. It was simply because I saw the walls as caving in on me, so I gripped the parameters, and all I got was splinters from an empty husk.

The loudest tick was the silence of time, our illusive metronome patient in the shadows. Time at the bottom is a sloshing, an endless bobbing up for air. Time is our fortune our gold. Frozen in time I refused to become!

• SOUNDS of THUNDEROUS CRACKING ICEBERGS I was ready, pronto for any opportunity to open a foreign door brimming with possibilities.

I settled in and I saw this three-

sided box, and a fourth wall. A stage, yes a STAGE! I began my Yoga poses to show “Them” that this cell wasn’t any different from the limitations we create for ourselves. I suddenly saw a shape of a woman emerge from the dark depths of the cell floor, face down in a drunken pliable mass along a drain where she drooled in directly.

Her hot pink tights glistened around her twisted legs as these words muttered through her slippery jaw, “This is my space!” I was astonished that our desire for isolation and independence was present even here! Binary fission of our egoistic growth right here in this jail cell. I asked her if I may possibly integrate her into my yoga postures? She groaned in return which I took as a YES. I happily hopped and stretched off.

It worked!! “They” unlocked the lock up and escorted me out.

Click …Squeak … Rattle …Clunk My Yoga Poses triggered fuzzy warm memories of their childhood reading of Siddhartha.

“They” asked if I wanted to make a call. I said, “Yes, I would like to call upon the forces of nature!”

Quickly “They” brought me into a squalid room with a lightbulb

waving, winking at me. There were no signs on “Their” faces, held no past, no map, not like a rich wrinkle of a crone, or a toad.

They were in such a HURRY! Madly scurrying about like wind up toys. “THEY” asked me if I could change a second into a nano second? I said NO, I can only add value.

I tried to make them understand that going faster makes a negative.

I asked, “WHO DARES to look closely at how the PACE of society has completely shot passed its own ability to keep up?” “They” stared blankly & motionless.

I explained my actions at the Mall were to expose everyone to the treachery of MMM, the Monster Media Moolah! And also other sundries of human folly.

I told them I am simply providing a lens! I insisted my warnings were valid.

I raised my voice and said, “We must regain trust in each other again and look to each other for the greatest gifts that lie inbetween us, think Twilight.”

“They” had no expression at all. As much as I seek other’s company, they would be hard to

hang with, you know, no bubbles.

They finally released me back in to the mainstream ~ Tagged my ear with a “disorderly aqueduct” ticket. What a bunch of rubbish! I Ribbited forth!

Arriving home I wanted to clean my wounds and caress my soul with my nourishing, life changing soap and I cut myself with the tamper proof ring!

I went to find a bandaid and the string gave me a paper cut on my other finger. I soaked lather-less, bleeding just a bit with my lili pad candles floating all around me…I knew I could easily put them out if they tried to burn me.

I SAY These are foolish times, but the jokes on us, unless … WE take our hand, if we have a free one, the hand that answers our phone, the hand that beeps our car door open, the hand that flips our fellow humans off in traffic, the hand that punches the codes, the hand that scratches…

Place it on your heart, feel the beat, it’s the same as the seconds on the sundial and the deep ocean tides pulse. Our hearts and the universe are one.

Bless ALL, remember no matter the road, the heart knows the station.

GHR … to be continued Lalaugh6@gmail.com LaLaugh Productions performer/published author 415 518-7034

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August 2016

Ruminations of a Sinner

by Robyn Justo When the fantasy of moving to the beautiful island of Maui was looking more like a plausible reality, I had visions of quietly living in a hut or on a hill somewhere by myself and becoming somewhat of a monk.

I look pretty good in saffron, but I preferred to keep my hair and cute clothes and simply recluse, meditate, write, and live the rest of my existence in peace.

Kind of a designer monk.

So after living in a hut in the Maui jungle for a month, I found my peaceful place on a hill, peaceful for the most part until I attended a comedy show at the local church.

I sat through an irreverently entertaining hour of a very attractive former monk diligently trying not to drop the F-bomb in the church that night, while letting the audience in on the secrets of the monastery, including the fact that monks and nuns partake in opium. He was a man of God, turned social activist and humorist, but he obviously had issues with the big G. The next day I attended a three hour workshop hosted by Sir Loin Cloth. May I mention that this man voluntarily disrobed years ago. He was smokin’-opium hot himself so I might have been the one doing the honors of disrobing

Pack a basket … it’s national picnic month Answers on pg 24

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him had I known him then. At any rate, I was more than willing to climb aboard the fast train to Hell.

Needless to say I had a hard time concentrating on what he was saying during those three hours and believe me, what he was saying was both thought and heart-provoking and quite similar to what I have been saying for years about near term extinction on Earth.

In the middle of the workshop, he said something that woke me up out of my contact high of spiritual sedation. I recall him saying that he was single and living alone and wanting an intimate relationship (cha ching!) and how we should be authentic and just ask someone out for coffee. What?? It took all that I had not to wave my little hands in the air and scream HAZELNUT! Make mine hazelnut!!

But inauthentic little me kept my hands folded on my lap, meditation style, and my mouth closed. After all, I came to fantasy island to try to be a monk and not do a monk.

My ruminations continued though. I was lost in space and fast forwarding. If he was correct

19

in his research and assumptions and we were all going to melt, why not? What did I have to lose? I might be used to the heat by then if this hottie happened to be my twin flame.

Then the big, single-girl question arose. How could a man who walked away from God ever be committed to a relationship to a mere mortal of a woman?

I mean, it’s GOD. It’s not like getting a divorce, you know. It’s GOD. Ok, I have commitment issues too, but this isn’t about me.

Hard as I tried, I could not seem to get this sexy, brilliant, delightfully humorous, disrobed man out of my mind.

So I started repeating my new mantra. “I’ll stop the world and melt with you.”

Sure, that helped.

I don’t care what you think of me, unless you think I’m awesome. In which case, you are correct.

831.277.3636

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August 2016

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Great Art!

By Chuck Shepherd

Streaming News • The “public art” statues unveiled in January by Fort Myers, Florida, Mayor Randy Henderson included a metal structure by sculptor Edugardo Carmona of a man walking a dog, with the dog “lifting his leg” beside a pole.

Only after inspecting the piece more closely did many observers realize that the man, too, was relieving himself against the pole.

Carmona described the work as commentary on man and dog “marking their territory.”

• A recent anonymously authored “confidential” book by a National Football League player reported that “linemen, especially,” have taken to relieving themselves inside their uniforms during games, “a sign that you’re so into the game” that you “won’t pause (even) to use the toilet.”

Can’t Possibly Be True • The popular Nell’s Country Kitchen in Winter Haven, Florida, was shut down again (for “remodeling,” the owner said) in December after a health inspector found that it had been operating for two weeks without its own running water —with only a garden hose connection, across its parking lot, to a neighbor’s spigot.

It had also closed for a day earlier in 2015 because of mold, roach activity and rodent droppings (although management insisted that business had immediately picked up the day they reopened).

Weird News One Can Actually Use • In November, a perhapsexasperated Centers for Disease Control attempted once again to tout a startlingly effective antiHIV drug—after a recent survey revealed that a third of primarycare doctors said they had never heard of it. So, FYI: Truvada, taken once a day, said the CDC, gives “better than 90 percent” protection from risky gay sex and better than 70 percent protection from HIV acquired from the sharing of needles. Truvada is the only FDA-approved retroviral drug for retarding HIV (but its maker, Gilead Sciences, has declined to advertise it for that purpose).

• Oklahoma Justice: In 2004, abusive boyfriend Robert Braxton Jr. was charged with badly beating up the three children of girlfriend Tondalo Hall, 20, with injuries ranging from bruises to fractured legs, ribs and a toe. Braxton got a deal from Oklahoma City prosecutors, pleaded guilty, served two years in prison, and was released in 2006. Hall’s plea “bargain” resulted in a 30-year sentence for having failed to protect her kids from Braxton, and she’s still in prison—and in September 2015 (following a rejected appeal and a rejected sentence modification), the Pardon and Parole Board refused, 5-0, even to commute her sentence to a time-served 10 years.

• Mike Wolfe, 35, of Nampa, Idaho, finally brought his dream to life for 2016—a calendar of photographs of “artistic” designs made by shaving images into his back hair. He said it took him about four months each for enough hair to grow back to give his designer-friend Tyler Harding enough to work with. (January, for instance, features “New Year” in lettering, with two champagne glasses; July’s is a flag-like waving stripes with a single star in the upper left.) “Calend-hairs” cost $20 each (with proceeds, Wolfe said, going to an orphanage connected to his church).

Unclear on the Concept • Jamie, 29, and Abbie Hort, 21, an unemployed couple drawing housing and other government benefits, won a United Kingdom lottery prize in December 2014 worth about $72,000, promptly spent it all (including “some” on “silly” stuff, Abbie admitted), and according to a January press report, are angry now that the government will not immediately re-institute their benefits. Abbie said, as lottery winners, she and Jamie “deserved to buy some nice stuff” and go on holiday, but that now, except for the large-screen TV and Jamie’s Ralph Lauren clothes, the winnings are gone.

Said Jamie, this past Christmas was just “the worst ever.”

Wrong Place, Wrong Time • Neighbors in Inola, Oklahoma, complained in December and January about a Union Pacific train that had been parked “for weeks” while tracks up ahead were under repair. Not only does the train block a traffic intersection, it triggers the ringing of the crossing signal. “It’s annoying, yeah,” said one resident, apparently a master of understatement.

• At a ski resort in western Vorarlberg, Austria, recently, as the ski lift was temporarily stopped (to address a problem elsewhere on the lift), one occupied lift basket came to rest directly in front of the industrialstrength artificial-snowmaking machine, drenching the two passengers in a several-minuteslong blizzard (of which, yes, Internet video exists).

Wait, What?

• Fort Worth, Texas, firefighters, responding to a suspected blaze in January at a grain elevator, encountered smoke on the structure’s eighth floor—along with a man “juggling flaming batons.” No explanation was reported (except that the man “did not belong there”). A department spokesman said his firefighters “put (the man’s) torches out.”

• In December, animal protection officers in Halland County, Sweden, confiscated two cats that the officers found being “mistreated” in a home—coddled (by two women) as babies in “pushchairs” and spoon-fed while strapped in high chairs.

Both cats had been encouraged to suck on pacifiers, and one woman reportedly allowed the cats to suckle her breast. The public broadcaster SVT reported that the cats were removed from the home because they were not being allowed to develop “natural animal behavior.” critics on Facebook: “What y’all need to be worried about is y’all money ....”)

Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal UClick; 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

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August 2016

By Lily Brun

Get Slimed There are lots of different insects that show up in a garden. Some are good like our pollinator friendly bees and aphid-eating lady beetles. Some are not so friendly like coddling moths and fungus gnats and the current bane of my garden existence - snails.

They, those who know these things, say that a common garden snail is one of the slowest creatures on earth. Top speed is about 50 yards per hour. For context, itt would take a snail a little over two hours to work its way down a football field, provided it wasn’t eating along the way. In that case, it might never make it.

But make no mistake, snails can munch their way through a garden faster than you can say escargot!

With about 14,000 microscopic teeth, arranged in rows on their ribbon-like tongue called a radula, these vegetation eating herbivores can rip through the leaves, stems

and flowers of a garden lickety split, leaving behind a mucous laden path of destruction.

This snail slime acts as a lubricant, letting this gastropod slide along on its one long foot or hang on to the flimsiest leaves and stalks. The translucent, silvery track they leave in their no-wake zone journey is a slippery, sticky, ghastly messy substance that’s been sought after for its healing properties since the time of the Ancient Greeks. Those Greek trendsetters used it to treat stomach ulcers and, in syrup form, to treat a cough. Hard to know if they drank it straight up or mixed it with some Ouzo.

Either way it had to be pretty hard to swallow.

Today, it’s harvested, or perhaps scooped up is a better description, and used by the cosmetic industry. This moist glop apparently has regenerative properties. What? Snail slime is packed with nutrients and antiaging attributes. It’s good for our skin and can help in the treatment

of dry skin, wrinkles and stretch marks, acne and rosacea, age spots, burns and scars.

All these years, I’ve been picking snails off my prized tomatoes and drowning them in beer when I should have been nurturing them, encouraging them to slime-up my garden. I have this whole garden model backwards. It’s not about growing vegetables for my consumption but for these ubiquitous slowmoving mollusks. What was I thinking? Well, it’s never too late. These self-contained eating

machines can live up to 25 years.

I have time to raise snails instead of zucchinis. To make body lotion instead of carrot cake. To create a snail lip balm rather than grow lemon balm.

No longer will I think of them as a scourge. I will cheer their snail’s pace existence, urging them on in their gelatinous-laden journey to forge new pathways in the world of beauty-making products.

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The Riotous

RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

The Giraffe Every time I see a giraffe It makes me want to laugh With two goofy bumps on top of its head As if lead piped when it got out of bed Its neck looks so long and ungainly With a lopsided face that’s plain Janely Do you think it becomes a nervous wreck It if gets a pain in such a long neck?

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

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August 2016

SHE’S GOT A TICKET TO RIDE

By Rosie Sorenson Conversations about one’s “bucket list” have become de rigueur in many circles. I, for one, do not like the term since it arises from the idiom, “to kick the bucket.” Too many harsh “k” sounds, if you ask me. I much prefer its equivalent, “to buy the farm”—lyrical to my midwestern ears.

The origin of “buy the farm” is unclear, but one explanation derives from the military of the 1950s. If a serviceman was killed in action, his family would receive death benefits from his government-paid insurance policy. These benefits were often sufficient to pay off the family mortgage; thus, “he bought the farm.” A more kindly spin on death than kicking the bucket.

But I digress. It’s only now that I can worry over these terms with the same composure I might evince when choosing a pair of shoes. As I was strapped to a gurney in an ambulance racing over the Bay Bridge, my thoughts roamed to the possibility of death, not its idioms. *** I’d been having occasional chest pains during the previous few weeks, but only when the pain began to radiate into my shoulders and hands did I visit a cardiologist for a nuclear stress test which revealed a blocked artery. Oops!

For the second time in 25 years, I enjoyed the hospitality of a hospital. The nurses were exceptional, the food surprisingly tasty. I felt well and didn’t present as a sick cardiac patient, leading several nurses to inquire about my skin care secrets. I joked that I could have brought in some

serious coin if I’d charged for the info.

The cardiololgist performed an angiogram. He had planned to install a stent but encountered difficulty in seating it. I was to be transferred to a San Francisco hospital where difficult stent procedures were routine.

I waited in my room the next day for the ambulance drivers to arrive. I could have met them downstairs, but there were rules about that sort of thing. At 4:45 p.m. on that Thursday, two garrulous gentleman in their sixties, James and Hank, and a young nurse named Mary turned up with the gurney. They quickly attached the leads for the heart monitor and helped me climb aboard.

James drove while Hank sat at my side with Mary behind me on a jump seat. The quarters were tight, the ride bumpy, the van cold, but nonetheless I was in a jolly good mood. I think it’s called “whistling past the graveyard.”

As soon as Hank discovered I was a good listener (a curse from my psychotherapy past), he became a good talker. He told me he’d been doing ambulance work for 20 years, had encountered all sorts of tragedies and felt grateful for a live patient who could talk.

And listen. He told me about the time he’d been a cub reporter in Boston and had met Diana Ross. I told him the most famous person I’d ever met was Ed Asner. Hank had once seen Sammy Davis Jr. driving over the Bay Bridge in a Mercedes convertible, on his way to his concert at the Circle Star Theater. Imagine that, a big star driving himself.

I heard about his wife of 40 years, how jealous she was and verbally abusive. “Maybe some marriage counseling might help?”

I said lightly. They’d tried that, he said, but his wife had wanted the therapist to beat up on him; so he walked out.

I was facing the back of the ambulance and if I raised my head I could see through the windows—lane upon lane filled with commuters eager to return home for the night. I’d always wanted my own driver.

I was facing the back of the ambulance and if I raised my head I could see through the windows—lane upon lane filled with commuters eager to return home for the night.

In mid-span on the bridge, I asked, “How much longer do you think it will be before we get to the hospital?” James said about 15 minutes, maybe longer in the slow-crawl traffic.

I wasn’t sure I could wait that long. I’d dutifully drunk the two quarts of water the nurses gave me in the morning to flush out the dye from the angiogram.

“What if I have to go to the bathroom before we get there?” I said.

“No worries,” Mary said. “We’ll take care of everything.” She

23

pulled a plastic bedpan out of the cabinet. Frank grabbed a blanket and, like a true gentleman, held it up over his face to give me privacy while Mary helped me slide onto it. So there I was, doing my business while gazing out the back window at all the cars trailing behind us, crossing the bridge, thinking about the comedic possibilities. What if the doors spring open and my gurney and I fly out right now?

Laughing, I said, “I’ve got to tell you guys that lying on a bedpan on a gurney in an ambulance crossing the Bay Bridge was never part of my bucket list, but you know what? There’s always a first time!” Mary smiled and helped me tidy up.

The ambulance rolled into the hospital parking lot. Hank hopped out and opened the doors. “You’re the funniest patient we’ve ever had ride with us,” he said as he and James lowered the gurney to the ground.

“Thank you. You guys have been great!” I said and shook their hands.

And with that, they wheeled me into the hospital, elevatored us up to the third floor and handed me over to the staff. I thanked them once again. They lingered a bit longer than necessary, saying “good-bye and good luck” several times. I was going to miss them.

Moral of story? Don’t worry about your Bucket List. Life has a way of taking care of that for you.

Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com

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A weary traveler was checking into a budget hotel on Fremont Street when the clerk said, “Rooms are $100 a night, $50 if you make your own bed.”

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The clerk made a note of the guest’s choice, and then handed him a hammer, nails and lumber.

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To get to the idiot’s house.

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August 2016

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August 2016

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August 6-7

Turkish Art and Culture Fest

August 5

The Monkeys

19th annual event featuring live music, folk dancing, belly dancing, art and food. www.turkfestca.org

August 13

S.V. Food & Wine

Charming Oldtown shuts down the streets for a treat of local world class bounty of wine, food, music and weather. salinasvalleyfoodandwine. com

Can you believe it’s been 50 years?

Can we say that in our out loud voice? goldenstatetheatre.com

August 5

First Friday Art Walk

Every month is different and exciting with artist receptions, live music and performance hosted by Oldtown merchants. artistasunidos.org

August 6

August 8

Sneak Zucchini onto your Neighbor’s Porch Night

Did you know zucchini is actually a fruit? See Make Me on page 8.

S.V. Half Marathon

Start at the Soledad Mission and run through an area defined by vineyards and mountain ranges on River Road. salinasvalleyhalfmarathon. org

August 11

Presidential Joke Day

A day for our presidents to show they have a sense of humor.

Note: Being the Commander–inChief is no joke although getting there seems to be.

Scottish Games & Celtic Fest

A celebration takes over the fairgrounds with athletic events, piped bands on parade, dance, food and more. Bring the whole clan to be entertained. montereyscotgames.com

Sand City will increase their population from under 350 to over 15,000 this weekend. A funky street party showcasing art, music, food and friends. westendcelebration.com

Monterey Car Week Classic cars take over the Peninsula ending with Concours d’Elegance. montereycarweek.com

August 31

Love Litigating Lawyers Day

“A lawsuit is a fruit free planted in a lawyer’s garden” – Italian Proverb

August 31-Sep 5

Monterey Car Show

August 6-7

West End Celebration

August 15-21

August 12 Alvarado Street will be lined up with authentic and historic race cars to kick off Class Car Week. www.oldmonterey.org

August 26-28

Monterey County Fair August 24

Pluto’s Demotion

10 years ago Pluto was demoted to that of a dwarf planet because it only met two of three criteria set by the IAU. That’s usually good enough for government work!

80 years later, still going srong with food, rides, entertainment and people you only see once a year. montereycountyfair.com

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Community Palette’s

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Paper Wing Theater’s

“Lady Hull” Stage Performing Arts • Spoken Word Celebrating the 35th Anniversary of MTV in the Carol Building

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