Foolish Times April 2016

April 2016

Allergies...

BECAUSE NATURE HATES YOU

Rex takes on fast food » Pg. 12 Event Calendar » Pg. 26

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April 2016

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April 2016

What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fool..............................Hunter T. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Intern Fools...........................Alyssa P. Baby Fool..........................Jonah Dee

Contributors

Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Rex Keyes, Marija, Richard Matranga, Stephen L. Millich, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

For the past few weeks, I noticed conversations being dominated by the opening of In-N-Out in Seaside. I have no idea what the fuss is all about.

It’s a fast food joint serving hamburgers and French fries. My doctor tells me that deep fried food and burgers wrapped in grease stained paper are not good for you although he was one of their first customers. Do as I say, not as I do!

Dunkin Donuts marketing campaign says, “America runs on Dunkin.” That is not true.

America runs to anything that resembles a line and we fall in like lemmings. Having people in front of us makes us yearn for whatever we are in line for even greater.

The wait time can be up to an hour so do I get in line with the anticipation of being hungry in the near future? What if they put ketchup on my burger when I said NO KETCHUP…do I get back in line and start the cycle all over again? What if I forget how to order from the secret menu? Do I have so much time in my life that I can do this?

Why am I consumed by all this? I think it’s time to get out of line.

It’s National Humor Month!

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahanahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahaha!

There’s plenty to laugh at in Foolish Times! Share a joke with someone you love!

(PS - can you find the “n” in all the ha ha’s above?)

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times

P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

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April 2016

Hold Me Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’’

The husband says, “WHAT??’’

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her

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husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.’’

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says, “Okay, I’m ready, let’s go to the cash register.’’

The husband says, “No – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.’’

The wife’s face goes blank.

“No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.’’

The Perfect Husband Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising, when suddenly a cell phone sitting on the bench rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: “Hello?”

Q: What did Obi Wan Kenobi say to the tree?

A: May the Forest be with you.

“Honey, it’s me.

Are you at the club?”

“Yes.” “Great! I’m at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.”

“Okay, get it.”

“Great! But before we hang up, there’s something else…”

“Yes?” “It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we looked at last year is on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, an acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000…a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank…”

“Well, then, go ahead and buy it, but only bid $420,000. Okay?”

“Okay, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!”

“Bye…” The man hangs up, closes the phone flap, and yells, “Hey, does anybody know whose phone this is?”

Hearing Vs. Listening What a woman says: Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!

What a man hears: C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Marriage After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool

when I married you.”

The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was so in love and didn’t notice.”

Broke Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said, “Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”

“Why’s that?” asked his father.

“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.”

The Wishing Well A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”

Sleeping Partners A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I”m sorry to bother you, but I”m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let”s pretend we”re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not,” she giggles.

“Great,” he replies, “Get your own darn blanket!”

SeasideAutoDealers.com

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April 2016

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

LATE NIGHT

SALAD BAR

Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations

Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal.

Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items.

Full menu/ bar available.

1425 Munrus Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com

CAFÉ Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it

SANDWICHES Mundos Cafe Now open on Webster St in Monterey!

All three locations offering the most scrumptious, unique fresh flavors that you can fit between two pieces of bread.

170 Webster St Monterey 2233 N Fremont St Monterey 3156 Del Monte Blvd Marina Mundoscafemonterey.com

SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it!

If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas Dorothy

BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetra. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start their day.

Don’t forget to come back for lunch!

171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net

ITALIAN

PUBS

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub.

Heated patio. Full menu to midnight.

150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award–winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating its 15th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road, Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com

INDIAN Avatar Serving memorable and flavorful meals that speak of India in their preparation, aromas and presentation in a casual setting.

Creekbridge Plaza, Salinas 831.443.2156 www.avatarindiangrill.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

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April 2016

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Peace of Mind Essex will Maintain and Prevent Problems to Keep Your Auto Running Safely

Complimentary Visual Inspection

The best alternative to the high priced dealers

125-C Sun St, Salinas 831-757-2370 www.esseximports.com

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1:00pm $5

Two friends leave the pub. One said to the other, “I can’t be bothered to walk all the way home.”

“Me too but we’ve no money for a taxi and we have missed the last bus.”

“We could steal a bus from the depot.”

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes looking for a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After what seemed like a long time, the look-out says, “What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”

“I can’t find a No. 91.It goes past our house.”

Don’t be stupid we’ll take the No. 92 and we will walk four blocks!

Toni & Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come is and celebrate Nation Humor Month and be warmed by their hospitality and humor

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April 2016

Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram It’s a three ring-o-ding circus in your head! Ramming into the wall can make inspiration fatal.

There are wiser avenues, even boulevards that may assist in curbing your debunking appetites.

From this angle you look crazy.

But it is Keeping America beautiful month, so peel your brains away from that tawdry surface and plant new seeds.

Grow Daffodils, Daisies, or Dalias, deadheading may be necessary.

Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Cirque du ‘Ole! Them that’s got, shall get, them that’s not better not forget where to get it. If you strike when the bullish iron is hot, you will win all that is intended.

Your smile is your trapeze, swing on it. Watch for any pile of BS hurtling toward you like a clump of dung from a effervescent sky tent. If this should occur focus on making it look sexy. The show must go on!

Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Bring in the Clowns...or cry all day and night. Loving yourself now is essential, because what you did was purely trashy trash. You could view it as cutting edge, or a dud in the mud flats of your forever juggling mind. The trick is to admit you were stupid at first and clever afterwards. Up the Hula Hoop!

Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Contortionist Fool! Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, and confetti!

A pandemonium of delights indeed. Balancing your blood sugar between reverence and irreverence is a tightrope of genius. Keep your socks up otherwise you get the sawdust treatment.

Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Such a cold….finger! The Ringmaster is a real bastard.

You showed him and took his head on. You are the cat’s meow.

Apparently we are down to the fire eater, the strong man and all the animal acts - poof! You were famished, I get that, but your audience is raving for more.

Consider approaching this new solo act with a Midas touch.

Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Releasing the inner battle can take some edgey measures.

Throw! Throw all the litter out of your car window and make sure it lands on the Lilies! Go ahead, see if you can. Let it sit for a bit. Go back, pick up all that you littered and make a list of all the reasons you had this Sh*t in the first place.

C’mon sweet potato pie, it’s not as tough as sword swallowing!

Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Circus Maximus! Fellini’s parents were Romeo & Juliet. Look at what great stuff they created out of their romantic convictions.

Whatever you’ve have done this time, whatever enormous

vacillation you’ve created in a clear calm sea, see what the good in it is and focus on that! Find your sanctuary among the tulips, pick up any litter, and accept all life forms around you as worthy ones.

Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpions A freak show! Climbing the walls will get you as far as the ceiling.

Where is your safety net? No doubt your prowess is sublime, but with ol’ baggage towing behind all your beetle juice is simply static-slime. Descending rapidly must be fraught with a vigilant toss.

Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Ying & Yang invite, the seams of the sky to unite, and seal a giant night of white into a perfect light.

Are you flying through the air yet with the greatest of ease? Polarity is what constructs divinity. So when sorrow’s scope feels like a enema and you are made mute, it’s time to transmute. You can never be a loser on the BOZO show!

Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat April Fools! Ok, not everyone can take a joke. Is it Peter Pan? Hooves or no hooves you cannot get your pantaloons in a wadskie.

When you stand alone you must stand tall among the midget minds. Is that PC your asking?

Are you? Perfection, wrong direction. Remember life is the high wire. Do what you can, Stan?

Or find a new plan.

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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier OMG Liberation! Totally rad dude! Furling through the air under a giant hollow dome and glitter balls firing hot kisses.

Whoa! Glitch! Grease paint on my palms!?! You’re in a Piccadilly now. Even when upside down is up, it’s all a matter of perspective.

Dude this was not on the programme ~ Collaborate!

Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s a wrap! April showers brings flowers and rain pools bring reflective accolade. Careful, your impressionability is always in need of temperance. Make-believe is your finest outlet but best not use your third-eye as a unicycle otherwise you’ll end up in a fish bowl. Flap your tail in the Blue Nile to entice a chat with Ptolemy regarding your next best move ~ Keep on with the flaxseed.

Being unemployed really helps lower carbon footprints.

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April 2016

The Spring Cleaning

By Debbie Harris Ah Spring! Although we are fortunate enough to live in a climate where we can clean or tend to just about anything inside or out year-round, springtime can really bring out the cleaner in me.

The problem is, once the cleaner gets on a roll, she can’t stop and one cleaning objective leads to another, the cleaning demon takes hold.

Take cleaning up the area around my fireplace when winter is over. First I return any unused wood and sticks to the wood pile.

Oh dear, that area needs to be reorganized. Let’s just take a few minutes to do that. Half an hour later, I’m back at the fireplace,

DEMON

sweeping the bricks to get the bigger chunks out of the way.

Better take that broom outside and shake it before I put it back.

Ten minutes later, I take out the vacuum cleaner to suck up any soot and small wood shavings left behind. Oh my, that got the inside of the vacuum attachments really dirty. Let’s wash those out and leave them in the sun to dry.

Another 10 minutes.

After vacuuming, I take out a bucket. Ew, it looks like the entire cast of ANTZ died in there, so I wipe it out before I use it. Then I fill the bucket with water and dish soap and wipe the bricks down with an old sponge. By the

Spring in for Savings!

time I’m finished, the bucket and the sponge are pretty dirty. I get another sponge to clean out the bucket and now I have two dirty sponges.

The cleaning demon screams. I don’t want to wash my clothes in dirty water.

I want to wash those sponges, so I gather up a load of clothes and toss the sponges in with them. In the meantime, I check on the vacuum cleaner attachments.

They’re dry so I put them back with the vacuum cleaner, which I take to the hall closet, where I see two jackets that I haven’t worn in probably a decade. When was the last time I cleaned out this closet?

Let’s just take care of that.

When I finish, an hour later, the clothes are done washing. As I’m moving them to the dryer, I see it—a dirt ring around the inside of the washing machine.

I’ll bet it’s been a year since I’ve scrubbed out the inside of the washing machine. I grab a scrub brush and another sponge and

www.foolishtimes.net go to it. Twenty minutes later, there’s a small pool of dirty water at the bottom of the washer. The cleaning demon screams. I don’t want to wash my clothes in dirty water, so I decide to run some white vinegar through a cycle to clean it out and help get rid of lime.

I go to the kitchen cupboard to get the vinegar, and see that I don’t have a lot left. I take the pencil from the magnet clamp on the fridge and write “white vinegar” on the shopping list. The pencil is dull and barely scratches out the words. I’d better sharpen it. I go to the family room and insert my pencil into the electric sharpener. Nothing happens. I see that the collection unit is full of pencil shavings. I pull it out to empty it, spilling odd shavings on the bookshelf. I return with an empty collection unit and a sponge to clean up the shavings.

Actually, the whole bookshelf could use a wipe down, so I return the pencil to the magnet clamp, pour some white vinegar into the washer and start it. Then I fill up a bucket with soapy water, grab an old towel and head back to the bookshelf to wipe it down.

I’m starting to get hungry. Has it really been four hours since I started cleaning? The cleaning demon has taken hold. I hope I’m finished with my spring cleaning

by August.

$69.95 value

We Honor Military and Seniors

Q: Why did the leaf go to the doctor?

A: It was feeling green!

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April 2016

CURB

on the

FOOL

1. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

2. What do you do when you are bored?

3. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Blondes Are Back!

25 Cent Logic

Rochelle

1. Wine 2. Watch TV 3. No, it’s not funny

Annie

1. When my first child was born 2. Play with my phone 3. I guess. Because I said so

Lonnie

1. Golf 2. Think about golf 3. Absolutely. The forest has a sense of humor

A guy took his blond girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello! It’s only 25 cents.”

Laundry Logic Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man went up to her and asked, “Why are you doing this?”

The blonde said, “I’m washing my clothes. Is there a problem?”

The man said, “Why don’t you try a washing machine?”

The blonde replied, “I feel dizzy in the washing machine.”

Veronica

1. Coffee 2. Talk on my phone 3. No. Because nobody laughed, it was an awkward moment

New Logic Jackie

1. Starbucks! I love Starbucks!

2. I like to nap a lot 3. I would say so

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A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The blonde starts crying to her husband sobbing, “That’s horrible!”

Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is always that risk involved.

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

Weight Loss Logic A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you’ll lose at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

The doctor exclaims “That’s amazing. Did you follow my diet?”

The blonde nods. “I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping.”

Baby Logic A couple is trying to have a baby.

Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant and we’re having twins!”

The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?”

She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”

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April 2016

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Mira, WOW!

By Daria James

Yes, I live and I learn. * The other day I ate a carnitas burrito, under a sakura tree, next to some Chinese tourists, across from the US Capitol building, while a band played Brazilian music. Well, insert a James Brown scream here, because we are living in America. Yes, Wi-Fi is free! * I was indulging in a delicious Cohiba cigarillo, contemplating life under a tree and suddenly an obese person walked by me and made a face of disgust while looking at me. I could have been

the better person and ignored him. I didn’t. I asked him if his donut did not taste to his liking.

He said he thought smoking was gross, I said so is eating lard. Live and let live. I am all for feedback, but it was hypocritical of him to judge my one (visible) vice while he had all kinds of unhealthiness going on. * Ever get into a real argument over a hypothetical scenario?

I said I did not believe in participation trophies and that back in my day (the 90s, thank you) trophies were for winners thus making you try harder to achieve a victorious win. The

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

grass is greener on the winner’s side, not to mention you get to point and laugh. Na-na-na, bonus!

My friend said oh yeah! Well back in the day they used to burn witches at the stake, maybe we should bring that back too. I said yes, let us bring it back and maybe that will cut back on the number of witches thinking everyone is a winner! I only wished I had a mic to drop. She said I did not win that argument, I would say I burned it at the stake!

I said my house is under the stars and inside said house I have a comfortable bed and no mosquitos to worry about. * If you feed marijuana to a cow, your steaks would be high! * Some people do hot yoga. I prefer frozen yogurt, but I rather have ice cream. * Backstreet Boys are the founding fathers of the Boy Bands I hate; there would be no N’SYNC without them. Furthermore, N’SYNC is a male version of the Spice Girls, really. BSB are the last band standing. Nonetheless, there would be no Justin without

N’SYNC. Like, there would be no Johnny Depp without him being swallowed and thrown up on a ceiling by a mattress in a Nightmare on Elm St. NSYNC is that mattress to Justin Timberlake. * My friend from New Hampshire invited me to go camping, I said hell no (Actually, I used the F word, but I cannot use it here).

She said camping is great; you get to connect with nature and sleep under the stars. I said my house is under the stars and inside said house I have a comfortable bed and no mosquitos to worry about, not to mention a working restroom and a kitchen, just in case I feel like a midnight snack. I grew up poor in Mexico. Every day is like camping when you live in a third world country. Somedays you got food, some days you don’t, some days we had heat some days we’d freeze. Sounds like camping to me. Except, we’re not enjoying ourselves.

In honor of Earth day, send all of your workrelated emails to your recycle folder.

Q: What is a tree’s least favorite month?

A: Sep-timber!

Answers on page 24

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April 2016

Reasons Not to Exercise • Gyms are full of annoying people • They still sell pants in size Bigger Than You Think • You still have a few episodes of Top Chef to watch

• If walking is so good for your health, the mailman would be immortal • Two words: Plastic Surgery • One word: Liposuction

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April 2016

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In-N-Out Burger Rapture on the Monterey Peninsula

by Rex Keyes

Q: What is the center of gravity?

A: The letter V! Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters?

A: Bookkeeper Q: What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

A: A penny!

Q: The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots. How many T’s in that?

A: There are two T’s in THAT! Q: What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?

A: A hole!

Q: Can you spell rotted with two letters?

A: DK (decay) Q: How many books can you put into an empty backpack?

A: One! After that it’s not empty.

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

I can see the people of the Monterey Peninsula rejoicing and dancing in the streets because of the opening of a local In-N-Out Burger. No longer will they have to take the winding Highway 68 through the oak forests to Salinas to satisfy their cravings at the once nearest In-N-Out. Now it is only a few minutes away. But alas whenever there is rejoicing there is usually a stigma attached, a thorn in one’s foot, a too good to be true story. The tourists will be flocking to In-N-Out on weekends and holidays and starting in June, every day throughout the summer.

The lines to the drive-up will be horrendous. Locals will have to wait a long time in line in their Priuses and Honda Insights to pick up an order. There will be frustration and anger among the masses.

There was a solution prior to the permit being issued by the Coastal Commission, but no one demonstrated or brought up the subject. There should have been a legal, binding, mandatory provision for a separate drive up window for locals. This provision, while it may sound unusual, is not uncommon in the commercial industry to give special consideration to certain customers. For example, at the airport, first class passengers have a special line in which they board first. At Costco there is a special line at their food counter for those who pay for groceries at the register. With a special line, local residents would have just had to show their driver’s license for identification, get in line and place their order. But alas, it is

too late! The permits have already been issued. Of course if the drive-up window line is too long, local customers could, and I know this is very harsh, park their cars, walk in and place an order. Oh the horror, the agony of having to walk in to order!!!

There should have been a legal, binding, mandatory provision for a separate drive up window for locals.

Ok, for those of you wanting a thick juicy hamburger that does not have the blessings of environmentalists, we still have, for the common people, the Six Dollar Burger at Carl’s Jr. and the Whopper at Burger King on Fremont and McDonald’s by the Monterey Pier.

Pray tell, there is yet one more group in the Monterey area that has not yet risen and spoken out.

They must still drive to Salinas to the parking lot of Kmart on Davis to get the infamous Sonic

Burger. One day they will rise and demand at city hall meetings a Sonic Burger stand on the Peninsula. Is it not discrimination to allow every burger joint, excuse me, every burger restaurant in the nation on the Peninsula, except Sonic? At Sonic it is like the old A&W drive-ups where your order is brought out to by employees (I did not say waitresses in miniskirts) on roller skates while you are parked in your car. It is retro back to the 60s! Pacific Grove, Monterey, Seaside, Sand City, be the first to open a Sonic Burger stand! The tourists will flock there! Sonic Burger people rise up and make yourself heard!!!

Dear Earth, I hope you’re enjoying your stupid DAY. Sincerely, Pluto.

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April 2016 serve 13 more years for a crime he perhaps would not even be charged with today.

Inexplicable

By Chuck Shepherd

“Tag” Banned; “Rover, Red Rover” in Jeopardy

Latest Human Rights

Two suburban Minneapolis elementary schools this fall hired a consulting firm to advise officials on kids’ recess, and the leading recommendations (promoting “safety” and “inclusiveness”) were elimination of “contact” games in favor of, for example, hopscotch. Some parents objected; recess, they said, should be more freestyle, unstructured.

(More consultants’ advice: Deemphasize refereed “rules” games in favor of monitors who simply praise effort.) One Minnesota principal noted improvement— fewer fights and nurse visits now —but as one parent said, her child feels that recess is no longer really “playing.”

Kentucky’s government ethics law bars gifts from lobbyists to legislators, but state Sen. John Schickel filed a federal lawsuit in September claiming that he has a constitutional (First Amendment) right to receive them. (The laws were passed after the FBI found several Kentucky politicians selling their votes.) And in May, officials of the American Gaming (gambling) Association and the Association of Club Executives complained to the Pentagon that a threatened prohibition of the use of government credit cards at casinos and strip clubs violated card users’ constitutional rights, in that protected activities (such as business strategy meetings) take place at those venues.

Bright Ideas

Can’t Possibly Be True

Unapparent Problem, Solved: Vladimir Laurent (an insurance executive in Coral Springs, Florida) received his U.S. patent on Sept. 29 and can proceed mass-producing “The Shield” —his brainstorm to keep men’s genitalia from dragging on the inside of toilet bowls while they’re seated. Laurent told the South Florida Business Journal that his device was something he “needed, personally” (though he’s aware that not all males experience the sensation). The Shield is basically a cup attached to the bowl by suction that allows movement via a ball-and-socket joint.

Florida Justice: Orville “Lee” Wollard, now 60, was convicted of aggravated assault in 2008 after he fired one “warning shot” into a wall of his home during an argument with his daughter’s boyfriend. Believing his shot defused a dangerous situation (the boyfriend had once angrily ripped sutures from Wollard’s stomach), Wollard had declined a plea offer of probation and gone to trial, where he lost and faced a law written with a 20-year minimum sentence. Florida has since amended the law to give judges discretion about the crime and the sentence, but Gov. Rick Scott and the state’s clemency board have refused to help Wollard, who must

Christopher Hiscock, 33, got only a year’s probation after his guilty plea for trespassing on a ranch in Kamloops, British Columbia, in September -- because it was a trespass with panache. Since no one had been home, Hiscock fed the cats, prepared a meal, shaved and showered, took meat out of the freezer to thaw, made some coffee, started a fire in the fireplace, did some laundry, put out hay for the horses, and even wrote some touchingly personal notes in the resident’s diary (“Today was my first full day at the ranch.” “I have to remind myself to just relax and take my time.”) In court, he apologized. “I made a lot of mistakes.” “Beautiful ranch. Gorgeous. I was driving (by) and I just turned in. Beautiful place.”

New! Amazing!

Awesome!

Low-benefit (but Internetconnected!) devices now on sale (from February MacLife magazine): HAPIfork (Bluetoothconnected, alerts you if you’re eating too fast); iKettle (heat water at different temperatures for different drinks, controlled by phone); an LG washing machine that lets you start washing while away (provided, of course, that you’ve already loaded the washer); Kolibree “smart toothbrush” (tracks and graphs “brushing habits”). Also highlighted was the Satis “smart toilet,” which remotely flushes, raises and lowers the seat, and engages the bidet—features MacLife touts mainly as good for “terrorizing guests.”

17

The Job of the Researcher Scientists have somehow determined that rats dream about where they want to go in the future. Dr. Hugo Spiers of University College London (and colleagues) inferred as much in a recent eLife article based on how neurons in the rodent brain’s hippocampus fire up in certain patterns. They discovered similar patterns when a rat is asleep just before conquering a food “maze” as when he awakens and actually gets to the food (as if it plotted by dream). (Buried Lede: Rats have dreams.)

Latest Religious Messages The Power of Prayer: (1) Two men with handguns walked through an open door of a Philadelphia home in July and demanded drugs and cash from the three women inside, threatening pistol-whippings.

According to a Philly.com report, a 55-year-old woman in the home immediately burst into loud prayer, causing the gunmen to flee empty-handed. (2) Police in Bellevue, Ohio, initially believed that texting behind the wheel was what caused Marilyn Perry, 62, to crash and badly injure another driver. However, in July, she and her lawyer convinced a judge that she was “looking down” as she drove only because she was praying over “personal problems.”

Copyright 2015 Chuck Shepherd; Distributed by Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500

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April 2016

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By Lily Brun

Those Wild Flowers Spring has definitely sprung.

Look around. Poppies, lupine, mustard, mule ears, thistles, shooting stars, buttercups are everywhere. On hiking trails, in fields and pastures, parking lots and driveways, popping up where you least expect them, wildflowers are in season.

The rain in California, after years of drought, has created a burst of wildflower activity.

A cottage industry has grown up around these beautiful independent types. There are hotlines, hotsheets, websites, spotters and friends of wildflower groups. You want to see the latest and greatest Indian Paintbrush in its native habitat, all you have to do is sign up for daily alerts at any number of online sites.

Even social media is in the game. There’s a Fields of Lupine page. The Antelope Valley California Poppy Reserve harbors the most consistent blooms of our state flower on FB. Everything’s bigger in Texas so, of course, there’s a page for Texas

Bluebonnets and Wildflower Images. It’s a global craze.

Wildflowers of Ireland has 5,000 plus followers.

Unlike tended roses or begonias, wildflowers are untamed.

Unlike tended roses or begonias, wildflowers are untamed. They reproduce on their own in their own natural habitat without human intervention.

Maybe that’s why we’re so taken with them … we have nothing to do with their success. Our egos aren’t invested in the biggest, brightest or most unique outcome.

Wildflowers just grow - on their own.

So we’re drawn to their spring coming out party. Thus, the demand for hotlines and tip sheets. Much like a horserace, we want an edge. We want to know where and when is the best time for viewing that perfect golden poppy or glorious wild iris. Park

rangers are asked, “What time will the wildflowers show up?”

As if there’s a magic window into nature’s time clock that the Rangers follow … Tuesday at 10am perhaps … or Friday at 3pm is when the flowers put on their best performance. In many cases, you don’t even have to leave your car to get a glimpse. Wildflower spotting is the best drive-thru experience you’ll ever have. It doesn’t cost a thing, there’s no garbage to get rid of and everyone in the car can choose her favorite.

Better than McDonald’s or Dairy Queen or, dare I say, even Starbucks!

January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

If you do feel adventurous and decide to get out of your car and take a walk or hike at one of our state or national parks beware, wildflowers are protected. Yes, it’s a misdemeanor to pick, dig up, kick, driver over, squash, move, molest or bum* (to ruin or spoil) a wildflower. If seen by a ranger, you might even get a ticket. That would indeed be a bummer; for you and the flower.

There are more than 2,500 different species of wildflowers.

That could add up to quite a fine if you’re not careful So eyes only, no touching and watch out where you step.

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FUNNY BONES

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

After giving birth to my second child, I quit my job.

The exit questionnaire asked, “What steps would have prevented you from leaving?”

My answer: “Birth control.”

Q: Why are people always tired on Earth Day? A: Because they just finished a March

….priorities!

www.foolishtimes.net

THROWBACK

By Ted Gargiulo They’re cropping up everywhere you look: names, pictures, websites and email addresses of folks you didn’t think you’d ever see or talk to again!

In the last 10 to 20 years or so, the windows of cyber-heaven have opened wider than ever before. Suddenly, as if by magic, scores of obscure relatives, college chums, ex-coworkers, ancient acquaintances—or maybe that former paramour you never completely ceased thinking about—are dropping out of the sky like manna. Imagine! Contact information that has eluded you for years is now but a mouse click away. Given the recent proliferation of search engines, online directories and social media sites, a new generation of information junkies has succeeded in dredging up our yesterdays, and making the past an integral part of our present.

Think about it. How many years have you wondered what became of so-and-so? Ever try to envision what so-and-so looks like now? Is he still living? And if he is, where?

Is this so-and-so still married to what’s-her-name? Is he still

working at whatever that place was, back when you knew him?

Remember all the times you wanted to reach back into your fondest memories and touch that special someone, pick his or her brain and find out how they feel about today’s events?… how they feel about the past?… how they feel about YOU? Or perhaps there’s someone in the media or entertainment industry you’ve always wanted to contact? Time was when certain persons of interest were virtually inaccessible. Not anymore. Today, almost anyone and everyone can be found…even you!

How many years have you wondered what became of soand-so?

Question is, now that you hold the key to this rare, soughtafter information, what are you prepared to do with it? Say, you’ve finally located that special, elusive “somebody” (whose name and

Q: How do trees get on the internet?

A: They log in.

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April 2016 gender we won’t divulge). Your online database has revealed the last five cities said person has lived in, the names of his/ her parents and siblings, his/her various aliases, his/her current place of employment, and one or two Internet addresses where said person can be reached. Bingo!

And check this out: there’s even a phone number!

So much for the thrill of the catch. Now what? Ya gonna write this person? Ya gonna CALL? Not today, you say? Why not?

You say you need more time to psyche yourself? I bet! My guess is, you’re breathing hard, your throat is tightening up, and your innards are making choogy-choogy sounds. If I may be blunt, you’ve had—how long now?—to prepare for this encounter? Problem is, you just can’t think of anything interesting or impressive to say for yourself, can you! You’re embarrassed!

That’s understandable. But aren’t

you even slightly interested in learning more about your contact? Wouldn’t you like to know what your “blast from the past” has been up to? Nah, I didn’t think so!

Point is, you never realized how little you cared about said person until after you had fished him/her out of the proverbial water. Nor had you anticipated the anxiety and ambivalence this untimely gush of information would wreak upon your present state of mind. Admit it, you were a lot happier and less troubled before you possessed it.

What, then, should you do with the potent fish you’ve just hooked? My advice? Throw it back—throw ‘em all back—and get on with your life!

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Give the Earth a Hug this Month!

Answers on pg 24

Environment Honor Peaceful Spring Sunshine Reform Movement Crowd Issues World Stage Recycling Spirit Grassroots Annual Event Equinox Activism Education World

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April 2016

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STARRY, STARRY NIGHT

By Rosie Sorenson You know you’re on the low end of the bell curve for intelligence when you find out you’ve been bested by a dung beetle. For those of you who haven’t kept up with your science, the dung beetle is so named because his raison détre is dung, i.e. excrement, i.e. manure, i.e. poop. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.

The male dung beetle’s task is relatively straightforward: locate a pile of dung, scrape a bunch together, and then roll it around until it forms a giant ball, larger than the beetle himself. This is not just a kinky recreational pursuit. No, no. The ball of dung provides food for the dungmaker and also helps him attract a mate, a female impressed by the size of his orb. (Is that a bowling ball in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?)

Among dung beetles there are those male scofflaws who think nothing of stealing another man’s ball. It is incumbent upon the more hard-working brethren to make their get-away as fast as they can. Here’s the kicker: they must roll the ball in a straight line away from the dung pile or run

the risk of swerving around and colliding with other beetles, some of whom are unrepentant thieves.

So how exactly do they know to push the ball in a straight line away from the dung pile?

Star-light! Yes, that’s right.

Scientists have recently proven that the dung beetle navigates by starlight. What’s more impressive, scientists have also found that even on overcast nights when no individual star shines bright, the beetles can still use the swooshy light of the Milky Way to orient themselves.

Scientists have recently proven that the dung beetle navigates by starlight.

Let me tell you, I am in awe of those little starlight navigators. I couldn’t do what they do. If you thrust me into a mound of dung and demanded I start handrolling it into a ball, I would most likely crash into someone who was out to steal my precious cargo.

How humiliating is that?

Lest you think I’m being too hard on myself for the sake of cheap humor, let me tell you what happened when I was sixteen and living in the Midwest. I was deliriously happy to be accepted for a summer job as a corn detasseler. Removing tassels from the male stalks, necessary for the maintenance of superior hybrid corn, is most effectively done by hand. Detasseling is a hot and dirty job which paid well back then, more desirable than babysitting or waitressing.

Anyway, that summer, five of my girlfriends and I were finally tall enough to qualify and got ourselves hired by the DeKalb Hybrid Corn company.

We arose at 4 am, and drove an hour to Geneseo to meet the crew.

Our “driver,” was a young man who led each of us to different parts of the field to begin our work. The rows were tight; the leaves overlapped, scratching our bare arms. The corn soared over our heads so we had to stretch on our tiptoes to grab the tassels.

After the driver deposited me at the beginning of my row, he said, “Now, all you have to do is stay in

this row and pull off the tassels as fast as you can. I’ll be back to check on you in an hour.”

“No problem,” I said, staring at his dimples. I was going to be the best damn detasseler he’d ever seen. I set off like a house-a-fire.

I was fast, all right, flinging the tassels hither and yon, but when the driver came to check up on me, he hollered, “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” I said, out of breath.

“You’re going diagonally across the field! You’re supposed to stay in a straight line!”

What? Afraid I’d be fired, I offered an anemic, “I’m sorry . . .

I was going as fast as I could.” He dragged me out of that row, chose another and ordered me to start over.

Now, see, if I’d been a dung beetle, this wouldn’t have happened. I could have looked up at the sun and navigated by its light. But, no, I was and still am a puny human with no sense of direction.

I hate that.

Rosie Sorenson, MA, MFT, an awardwinning author, has written a new book: What Republican Men Know About Women. Copies are $8.00, plus $2.00 S&H. She is also the author of They Had Me at Meow: Tails of Love from the Homeless Cats of Buster Hollow; www.theyhadmeatmeow.com

www.foolishtimes.net What’s that hotty reading?

April 2016

The Riotous

RHYMESTER

By Stephen L. Millich

Genealogy of the Garden Snail So unlike you and me This snail is a he and she How confusing it must be To trace the family tree.

Don’t Sit Around with Nothing to Read Yearly Subscription $39 Call or Click 831.648.1038 office@foolishtimes.net

WHY I CALLED IN SICK • I got a cold from my dog • My car breathalyzer wouldn’t allow my car to start • The ghosts in my house kept me up all night • I forgot I had a job • I woke up in a good mood and didn’t want to ruin it • I didn’t have any clean clothes • I had an interview with a rival company • A hitman is looking for me • I eloped

Excerpted from the Wit and Wisdom of Stephen L. Millich; you can find it at www.OLBooks.com or The Mind Shop, 522 Central, Pacific Grove, CA.

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April 2016

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Profound Absurdities - TECHNOLOGY

By Richard Matranga to hear me sing the great Don Henley song. Within just a couple of minutes, I had jammed all but one of the washing machines with quarters. Ok, I’ll come clean … nickels. A decade ago, I had no excuse for my lack of mechanical skills. Now, I can get away with all kinds of crap . I have adapted the old, if you get lemons you make lemonade philosophy works just fine most of the time. If you have a little common sense. If you get nickels, you buy new clothes with them. Don’t try to fool a technologically advanced machine.

I have adapted the old, if you get lemons you make lemonade philosophy. Works just fine most of the time.

If I am challenged by a particular technological device, like my latest laptop (which I

Q: How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. It’s too early to say if the light bulb needs changing.

hate) all I have to do is take a dive and break that sucker. It can be expensive, but on occasion, one of my friends with some extra cash will take pity and “voila,” unlike most people, I am given a second, third or maybe even a fourth free pass. I haven’t taken the garbage to the bin in months. I just step outside my door, do a little stutter step and fall. Immediately embraced by my old friend, the ground; with the added “gift” of my 106 year old neighbor who not only grabs the garbage and makes the trek to the garbage bin, she helps me up and puts me to bed.

I may have even stumbled upon an idea for my next published

MAKE ME Pierogi Lasagna

Peasant food fit for kings

INGREDIENTS

Parkinson’s disease, if the truth be known, has not been the principal villain in the erosion of my physical proficiency . Actually, by the time I was a teen, I had developed a “unique” style in the performance of basic tasks; sort of an unbalanced way, that earned me the nickname, “Spaz” … but, more importantly, opened the door to a long and intimate, albeit sometimes rocky, relationship with the ground. In the early years, I became somewhat of a showoff, making spectacular “catches” in the outfield or the end zone that always found me with a clump of turf between my teeth. As long as I can remember I struggled to tie my shoes, ripped open most every thing in an envelope, including the contents, dropped screws 1/16 of an inch out of my reach, etc., tumbled into burn piles, down steep banks, in parking lots, erased long emails, texted things I wish I could have back, etc. etc. .

So, last night when I rolled my assistive device into the laundry room, it was not only a good thing that no one else was present

work. The main character, Dickie, succeeds as a mechanical guru, of sorts, despite the fact that he ties his shoelaces together on his first day of school. The book is set in the present, with Dickie being an aging boomer who has invented many simple devices to make life easier but along the way has fallen behind in the competitive world of devices like the iPhone and planned obsolescence inherent with technology, having had no less than 13 mishaps related to the use of his cell phone, gone through 45 computers and other epic battles with various technological devices that fill the book with exciting adventures.

Ultimately, DICKIE triumphs over his arch enemy, Billy Joe Velcro, who closes the final chapter of the novella sitting on a park bench, homeless, picking belly button lint out of his most notable invention .

12 lasagna noodles 6 cups mashed potatoes 2 onions thinly sliced 2 cups cheddar cheese 1 stick butter S&P

1. Cook lasagna noodles, set aside 2. Sauté onions in butter, add S & P to taste 3. Place 4 noodles to cover bottom of buttered 9 x 13 baking dish 4. Add ½ mashed potatoes, ½ onions,

½ cup cheeses on top 5. Repeat with another layer of noodles and remaining ingredients 6. Top with 4 noodles and 1 cup of cheese 7. Bake 30 minutes at 375 degrees. Serve hot.

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April 2016

QUOTE …

Unquote!

You Heard it at the Movies!

1. “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

2. “I am big. It’s the picture that got small.”

3. “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.”

4. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be ta bumpy ride.”

5. “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”

6. “Carpe Diem. Seize the day boys.”

7. “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

8. “We’ll always have Paris.”

9. “The Dude Abides.”

10. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Baseball

Wisdom

by Yogi Berra

• The future isn’t what it used to be.

• You can observe a lot by just watching.

• When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

• No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

• We made too many wrong mistakes.

• Baseball is 90% mental and the other half physical.

• I never said half the things I said.

23

Cool Hand Luke Sunset Boulevard The Godfather II All About Eve Who Framed Roger Rabbit Dead Poets Society Airplane Casablanca The Big Lebowski Gone with the Wind

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April 2016

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Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

Answers

Answers

from page 10

from page 19

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you?”

The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the window.”

The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”

The man replies, “Listen you idiot the window won’t open... that’s a maintenance matter.”

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TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com

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Premier store offering quality items that speak of your faith.

Apparel, accessories and gifts 16 Mid-Town, Oldtown Salinas 831.756.0768

AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

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KNOCK OFF it

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Pauline!

Pauline Who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you.

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Butch, Jimmy and Joe. Butch, Jimmy, and Joe Who? Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, and let’s Joe. Knock Knock Who’s there!

Honeydew!

Honeydew who?

Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

Knock Knock Who’s there?

I love you!

I love you who?

Don’t ask who, because it’s you.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Juno!

Juno who?

Juno I love you right?

April 2016

25

Egg! Egg who?

Eggcited to meet you.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Candice!

Candice Who? Candice be love I’m feeling right now?

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Honey bee!

Honey bee who?

Honey bee a doll and give me dem digits.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Al! Al who?

Al give you a kiss if you open this door!

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Aldo!

Aldo who?

Aldo anything for you!

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Juan!

Juan who?

The girl of your dreams, and your the Juan for me.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Cynthia!

Cynthia who?

Cynthia you been away, I missed you.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

De Niro!

De Niro who?

De Niro I am to you, the more beautiful you get.

Knock knock Who’s there?

I love!

I love who?

Awwww I love you to.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Needle!

Needle who?

Needle a little love right now.

Knock Knock Who’s there?

Q: What’s the difference between weather and climate?

Q. You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

26

April 2016

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April is National Humor Month

Thanks to Larry Wilde, our federal government recognized the value of laughter. In the coming months leading up to local and presidential elections, we will either be shaking our heads in disbelief or laughing at the foolishness. Thanks Larry.

April 4

Hug a Newsman Day

I’m glad we don’t write news which is generally bad; although hugs any day are good.

April 9-10

AMSOIL Arena Cross

Supercross can be the cruelest and unforgiving sport in the world. Most of the top riders in the world come to Salinas. www.arenacross.com

April 16

April 25

Cannery Row Symposium

National Sense of Smell Day

This special event features historic and educational exposition of Cannery Row’s history, literary and ecological heritage, with acclaimed academics, historians, Steinbeck & Ricketts scholars and a huge surprise exclusive only to this symposium.

Limited to the first 120 people. www.canneryrow.org

Next Generation Jazz Fest

59th year with 1300 of the nation’s top student musicians playing their heart out for a chance to perform at the MJF. www.montereyjazzfestival

April 10

Golfer’s Day

Golf is a precision club and ball sport in which players use many types of clubs to hit balls into a series of holes on a course using the fewest number of strokes.

Sounds easy enough. It’s not!

April 14-17

Sea Otter Classic

Non- stop action packed cycling events for amateurs and pros with a family friendly festival vibe. www.seaotterclassic.com

April 15-17

Wild FlowerShow

For over half a century this event has been one of the largest in the area with over 600 species and varieties of wildflowers and native plants. www.pgmuseum.org

William Shakespeare’s Birthday Happy birthday to the greatest bard of them all. 1564-1616

Todd Rundgren

Good Old Days

April 8-10

April 26

April 28

April 9-10 The ultimate street fair with over 250 vendors, parade, live music and a beer garden. www.pacificgrove.org

I would love to celebrate but my allergies won’t let me.

April 16

National Librarian Day

Does anyone remember the Dewey Decimal System? Thank a Librarian for helping you find a book and be sure to return it on time.

A wizard, A True Star.

A Multi-instrumental, songwriter and producer that had a tremendous influence on music.

Show up and hear songs you know and others you didn’t know are his that you’ll download to your favorites. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

April 17

GlobalFEST

Creole Carnival comes to Carmel for a day featuring a bazaar and diverse music styles that will have you dancing. www.sunsetcenter.org

April 22-24

April 28 - May 1

Monterey Grand Prix

America’s premier road racing series kicks off the racing season at Laguna Seca. www.mazdaraceway.com

Monterey Symphony

Van Cliburn International Piano Competition winner Vadym Kholodenko shares the stage. www.montereysymphony.org

April 29

Paula Poundstone

A regular panelist on NPR’s #1 show, “Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me.” A Comedy Hall of Famer and a very funny lady. www.goldenstatetheatre.com

April 2016

www.foolishtimes.net

A

RESALE

26364 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.624.4211 www.spcamc.org

B

Yellow Brick Road

C

Second Chance

D

Branches Resale Shoppe

E

THE

SPCA Benefit Shop

TRAIL

26388 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.626.8480 www.yellowbrickroadbenefitshop.org

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 2311 N Fremont St Monterey 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

480 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org

MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

C D B

A

E

FEATURED SHOP MPVS is the oldest non-profit Benefit shop on the Monterey Peninsula and is run solely by women volunteers. Proceeds are contributed to a variety of charitable and cultural non-profit organizations serving the communities on the greater Monterey Peninsula since 1950.

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To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038