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April 2014

TH WHAT始S SO

FUNNY?

NATIONAL

HUMOR MONTH

AWARD WINNING

COMMUNITY

THEATER www.paperwing.com

Now Two Monterey Locations!

80 performances on Broadway!

THE LYONS

Deliciously dark and hilarious

By Nicky Silvers March 28 - April 19 2115 N Fremont St Monterey

A Live Musical Tribute

O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?

A knee slapping evening with The Soggy Bottom Boys!

March 21 - April 12 320 Hoffman Ave Monterey

Win tickets to all these shows! pwtickets@foolishtimes.net

April 2014

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Admin Fool...............................Lisa C. Sales Fool.................................Matt Z. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde

Contributors Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Carrie Snow, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Chuck Scardina, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood

The Chucklehead Speaks

Editor’s Note

When was the last time you told a joke? Shared a funny story? If you are one of the millions of people who can’t seem to pull this off, we offer hope.

April is National Humor Month and the time to let it all hang out and be funny. Who cares if your boss is about to fire you. Tell him his shoe is untied and laugh when he looks down to check! Laugh when your wife is yelling at you for some stupid thing you did. You could have married her best friend Carol who had an operation and changed her name to Richard.

Foolish Times has the jokes and stories to get you started on your way to being funny. Funny is contagious and when it spreads, good things happen.

In the month of April, when one of our team members sees you reading Foolish Times, you will be rewarded with a gift and a joke. The gift will eventually end up being sold on E-Bay for the price of a happy hour beer at Peter B’s while the joke lives on forever.

April is National Humor Month.

Laugh out loud! Every day!

Ok, that’s probably good advice any month of the year, but in celebration of National Humor Month, we have some great new material from some really funny people. Check out this month’s Fool on the Curb – comic quips from some guys and girls who have a really interesting take on life. Also, Carrie Snow, stand-up comedian and writer for the Roseanne show, shared her unique perspective on dating. Robert Dubac has sent some one-liners which we’ve scattered throughout the paper – you can’t miss them!

Don’t miss our regulars, too … they’re regularly funny and this month is no exception. National Humor Month was founded in 1976 by our resident humorist, Larry Wilde, in an attempt highlight the incredible value of laughter in our lives. So, yuck it up! It’ll make you and everyone around you feel great!

Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net

Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

Foolish Times P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942

831.648.1038

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4

April 2014

Slow Food

Someone asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?”

“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him.

“All the food was slow.”

“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”

“It was a place called home,’’ I explained! “Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some parents never owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck.

Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.

Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

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My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 9. It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at midnight after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 am. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 21 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called pizza pie.

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home but milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, seven days a week. It

cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at6 am every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 49 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

Memories from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.

In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to sprinkle clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Headlight dimmer switches on the car floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall. Real ice boxes. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles 5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines on the telephone 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (There were only 3 channels...if you were fortunate) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Dowdy 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H green stamps 16. Hi-fi’s 17. Metal ice trays with lever 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulb 20. Packard’s 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 = You’re still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 = Don’t tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You’ re older than dirt!

April 2014

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5

it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations.

CAFÉ KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

ORGANIC Bay Of Pines Best New Restaurant. Ocean theme decor.

Seafood, steak , salads and the soon to be famous “Ship Sinker” Full bar, nightly entertainment 150 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.920.3563

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE Jim’s Lots of food for so little money!

Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117 Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288

SEAFOOD Fisherman’s Grotto Award winning clam chowder and calamari. Sustainable seafood, steak and pasta with an impressive selection of drinks and old school service 39 Fisherman’s Wharf Monterey 831.375.4604 oldfishermansgrotto.com Monterey Fish House Make a reservation or risk waiting.

This tiny heaven for oak grilled fish and fresh pasta may lack size but has great quality.

Lots of off menu specials 2114 Del Monte Ave. Monterey 831.373.4647

ITALIAN Gianni’s Best known for their pizza, has a great extended menu of pastas, ravioli, lasagna salads and hot baked subs 725 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.649.1500 Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 The Haute Enchilada Cafe and Gallery An award winning funky Mexican place with eclectic menu of sustainable seafood and local organic produce… plus two art galleries. Celebrating their 15th anniversary.

7902 Moss Landing Road Moss Landing 831.633.5843 www.hauteenchilada.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!

PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038

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April 2014

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BROOMS: an

Endangered Species

By Debbie Harris have four regular-sized brooms and two hand brooms (sometimes known as whisk brooms) and I use them. I sweep up after I mow my yards and I sweep my linoleum floors before I mop them. Am I the only one who uses a broom?

From what I can tell, gardeners don’t sweep anymore.

They blow yard clippings with a big gas-powered machine strapped to their backs. They look like they’re packed for combat with yard waste. Maybe they sweep into a dust pan once they get a pile made, but that’s not much sweeping.

I

“They look like they’re packed for combat with yard waste.”

I don’t think floors are swept anymore, either. They are vacuumed, Swiffered, or Roombad. I’ll admit it. When I’m in a hurry, I’ll bypass sweeping my kitchen floor for a quick hand-held Dustbustering for dirty-spot sucking. But I don’t use the Dustbuster for the whole floor because I have an aversion to back pain.

From what I understand, hardwood floors are not supposed to be swept. Owners of hardwood floor (or even fake hardwood floors) are supposed to Swiffer or get a Shark or some such machine to give them the cleaning attention that they need. No brooms.

On my weekend walks, I go by a Mexican market that

sells trapiadores, with bristles sticking up in a big plastic garbage bin outside the front door. The bin is always full. With the same brooms.

Really, does anyone sweep anymore? Is this an activity that is going out of style, like playing solitaire with real cards or cars with no cup holders?

What if some classic stories were updated with the new aversion to brooms?

Would we see Dick Van Dyke as a chimney sweep blowing soot down a chimney into the residence for the English chambermaid to deal with as he and Mary Poppins danced and sang? Would the Wicked Witch of the West warn Dorothy by writing her message of doom in the sky while riding on her Shark? Would Cinderella and Snow White get Roombas so they would have more time to make gooseberry pies for hungry dwarfs and work with the birds to make a prince-enticing ball gown?

What about baseball umpires? Do they still have their little whisk brooms or will they have to pack a Dustbuster to clean up after a messy home plate call?

With no brooms, a man can no longer sweep a woman off of her feet. Will he have to blow her off her feet? Or will she tell her girlfriends she’s been Swiffered and she’s in love? I guess brooms are out of style now. Advertisers seem to be asking us, “Why sweep when you can suck, Swiffer, or blow?”

Why, indeed.

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net

Spaghetti For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write spaghetti on the back. He would then arrange for

B.B.Q.

by Monty Truitt

the child support payments to begin.

One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife.

“Honey!” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

Thanks to George Thorpe » pg 7

April 2014

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Friendly Reminder Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said.

“It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioners, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of $15,000 to the church last year.

Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

Teachers Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous.

The driver pointed out the sign that read 20. He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign.

The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20. Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.

As the policeman turned to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor looking scared to death!

He asked the driver, “What’s wrong with them?”

The driver replied, “We just turned off Highway 105.”

No Fun Room A frustrated father told a work colleague, “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.”

“So what do you do?”

The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

7

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable – even hopeful.

–Bob Hope, Comedian

Power of Humor What have more than 40 years of being steeped in all aspects of humor – the writing, performing, researching, lecturing and teaching of it – taught me?

It is one of the most powerful of human forces. The ability to laugh counter-balances the human capacity for destroying our planet. And it’s incumbent on all of us to see that joy and laughter are never outweighed by tragedy.

Humor can bring opposing sides together. Robert Reich, the 4-foot-11-inch former Democratic Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration and Alan J. Simpson, the 6-foot-5-inch retired conservative Wyoming Republican Senator were both teaching classes at Harvard University. They had been long-time close friends and were being interviewed side-by-side on C-Span. “You’ve asked us a lot of questions,” said Simpson to the interviewer, “but there’s one that’s been on your minds that you might’ve been afraid to ask so I’ll ask it for you: “How could two men, a big tall fella and a small little guy, with opposite political views, know each other so many years and be such good friends?”

“Well, I’ll tell you: Humor. We make each other laugh.”

Humor smoothes communication. The students in my Humor Appreciation class at UCLA came from every walk of life. Among them were college kids, hopeful comedians, Ph.D.’s, MD’s, lawyers, teachers, business execs, senior citizens and homemakers. At one fall semester the class also included a woman who had recently emigrated from China.

As always, I asked participants their reasons for taking the class. Two teachers wanted to become comedy writers. A doctor admitted he was trying to develop a better bedside manner. One trial lawyer wanted to become more relaxed in front of juries.

When I asked the Chinese immigrant, she stood and replied in broken English, “I like find out more about American. What make them laugh.

Then I know how to be happy with them.” The whole class applauded.

Humor stimulates the creative juices. At the publishing industry’s giant BookExpo America, Art Buchwald was autographing his latest. I’d always been a big fan of his work and when I interviewed him for How The Great Comedy Writers Create Laughter, we became friends. “I was thinking about you just this morning,” he said, as we shook hands. “I had to get my column written so I began reading on of your joke books. It starts me thinking funny.”

An excerpt from our resident humorists’ book, When You’re Up to Your Eyeballs in Alligators.

8

April 2014

By Carrie Snow

I

was on my way to a standup comedy gig in some Godforsaken place about three hours out of Los Angeles, and I asked the headliner, who was driving and rolling a joint simultaneously, if he knew anybody who might be able to tolerate me.

He’d been married for more than 25 years, had a couple of great kids and his wife hadn’t yet come to her senses. What could it hurt?

My fellow comic thought his friend Terry was a good pick but wasn’t sure of his romantic status at the moment. Men, I’ve discovered, are like that. Unless a buddy has a flaming sign begging for questions, guys never ask other guys anything personal. But I implored my fellow comic to hurry up and find out, as my window of cute was closing.

This was shortly after 9/11. I had been fired and escorted out with security from my writing job, and I was losing my dad to vascular dementia and my mother’s active neglect. So I wasn’t really arranging any garden parties to meet men.

And Terry turned out to be too shy to go out on a blind date.

Almost two years later, I attended a seminar at the Writers Guild Foundation called “Touched With Fire: Creativity and Mood Disorders.” It was pretty great, and free. I’d only RSVP’d that day, and the lady gave me some attitude until I told her I had written for “Roseanne” but was much better now, thanks, and that I had horrible ADD, and that I was proud of myself for even finding the seminar email to respond. (She gave me a plate of cookies as I left.)

The speaker, psychologistauthor Kay Redfield Jamison, talked about reaching that rarefied upper air in any profession and

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finding it populated with crazies.

I’d been a comic for 25 years, so I knew she spoke the truth. But she also said wacky behavior was a natural by product of the gifts we were given, and it was still our job to create. The two words I wrote in the fancy notebook we got: “resilient spirit.”

As my cookies and I were on our way, I realized that even though I was doomed on many levels (turning 50, being alone, having no job prospects, borrowing my rent), my hair and I looked too cute to go right home.

I parked in a friend’s driveway down the street from the Improv on Melrose. It was Thursday, a

“I wasn’t really arranging any garden parties to meet men.”

notorious hang night, and I immediately saw lots of familiar faces. As I navigated my way into the dining area through the crush at the bar, I figured I’d poke my head into the showroom and see who was onstage. It was one of the “guys in ties,” what women comics call the legions of indistinguishable males that populate the comedy planet.

So I went back to the tables, said hi to a working actor-comic, and then, like out of a movie, Terry appeared. Our mutual friend introduced us.

A chorus of angels didn’t start singing, but Terry looked at me like I was backlit by Hurrell. And I like to think that my smile conveyed to him that I was happy to finally lay eyes on him.

Turned out we knew a lot of the same people, and those people were happy that we’d met. Now I tell him on occasion, pseudodrunkenly, “I didn’t need you! I had a plate of peanut butter cookies

on the front seat of the car!” But I did. And I do. We exchanged numbers. Later we made a date by phone for the next Thursday.

He’d been a comic before he became a writer-producer, so there was little dead air. We went back to his cool bungalow, where I debated with the two sides of my brain whether or not we should kiss on our first date. When you reach a certain age, you know how fragile life really is. And, as a comic, Terry knew that when it’s time for the next act, you’re given an indicator somewhere in the room.

His yard was all tricked out, though he’d had an actor-friend, not a landscaper, do all the lights, so a bunch didn’t work. About this same time I realized that a bus could hit me, and we’d better get busy. So we kissed, but then a light next to me suddenly popped on,

and I jumped about 10 feet. Terry pulled back from our first kiss and said, “I’m sorry, your time is up.”

We’ve been together ever since.

Carrie Snow is a comic, writer and supermodel whose upcoming book is “My Mom Is Meaner Than Your Mom.” Originally published in the Los Angeles Times; reprinted here with permission from the author.

“Fashion uses sex to sell clothes that cover your body in a way that makes someone else want to rip them off you to have sex.”

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April 2014

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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram It’s a 3 ring-o-ding circus in your head! Ramming into the wall can make inspiration fatal. There are wiser avenues, even boulevards that may assist in curbing your debunking appetites. From this angle you look crazy. But it is Keeping America beautiful month, so peel your brains away from that tawdry surface and plant new seeds. Grow Daffodils, Daisies or Dalias, deadheading may be necessary.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20 The Bull Cirque du ‘Ole! Them that’s got, shall get, them that’s not better not forget where to get it. If you strike when the bullish iron is hot, you will win all that is intended. Your smile is your trapeze, swing on it. Watch for any pile of BS hurtling toward you like a clump of dung from a effervescent sky tent. If this should occur focus on making it look sexy. The show must go on!

Gemini: May 21 - June 20 The Twins Bring in the Clowns...or cry all day and night. Loving yourself now is essential, because what you did was purely trashy trash. You could view it as cutting edge, or a dud in the mud flats of your forever juggling mind.

The trick is to admit you were stupid at first and clever afterwards. Up the Hula Hoop!

Cancer: June 21 - July 22 The Crab Contortionist Fool! Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, and confetti!

A pandemonium of delights indeed.

Balancing your blood sugar between reverence and irreverence is a tightrope of genius. Keep your socks up otherwise you get the sawdust treatment.

Leo: July 23 - August 22 The Lion Such a cold....finger! The Ringmaster is a real bastard. You showed him and took his head on. You are the cat’s meow. Apparently we are down to the fire eater, the strong man and all the animal acts - poof! You were famished, I get that, but your audience is raving for more. Consider approaching this new solo act with a Midas touch.

Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 The Archer Ying & Yang invite, the seams of the sky to unite, and seal a giant night of white into a perfect light. Are you flying through the air yet with the greatest of ease? Polarity is what constructs divinity. So when sorrow’s scope feels like a enema and you are made mute, it’s time to transmute.

You can never be a loser on the BOZO show!

Virgo: August 23 - September 22 The Virgin Releasing the inner battle can take some edgey measures. Throw! Throw all the litter out of your car window and make sure it lands on the Lilies!

Go ahead, see if you can. Let it sit for a bit. Go back, pick up all that you littered and make a list of all the reasons you had this Sh*t in the first place. C’mon sweet potato pie, it’s not as tough as sword swallowing!

Capricorn: December 22 January 19 The Goat April Fools! Ok, not everyone can take a joke. Is it Peter Pan? Hooves or no hooves you cannot get your pantaloons in a wadskie. When you stand alone you must stand tall among the midget minds. Is that PC your asking? Are you? Perfection, wrong direction. Remember life is the high wire. Do what you can, Stan? Or find a new plan.

Libra: September 23 - October 22 The Scales Circus Maximus! Fellini’s parents were Romeo & Juliet. Look at what great stuff they created out of their romantic convictions. Whatever you’ve have done this time, whatever enormous vacillation you’ve created in a clear calm sea, see what the good in it is and focus on that! Find your sanctuary among the tulips, pick up any litter, and accept all life forms around you as worthy ones.

Scorpio: October 23 November 21 The Scorpion A freak show! Climbing the walls will get you as far as the ceiling.

Where is your safety net? No doubt your prowess is sublime, but with ol’ baggage towing behind all your beetle juice is simply static-slime.

Descending rapidly must be fraught with a vigilant toss.

9

By Bini

Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-carrier OMG Liberation! Totally rad dude!

Furling through the air under a giant hollow dome and glitter balls firing hot kisses. Whoa! Glitch!

Grease paint on my palms!?! You’re in a Piccadilly now. Even when upside down is up, it’s all a matter of perspective. Dude this was not on the programme ~ Collaborate!

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 The Fishes It’s a wrap! April showers brings flowers and rain pools bring reflective accolade. Careful, your impressionability is always in need of temperance. Make-believe is your finest outlet but best not use your third-eye as a unicycle otherwise you’ll end up in a fish bowl. Flap your tail in the Blue Nile to entice a chat with Ptolemy regarding your next best move ~ Keep on with the flaxseed.

Year of the Wood Horse

Kong Fuzi said: “Even when emptiness pretending to be fullness, never inspect the teeth of a given horse.”

10

April 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

By Tom Burns

Tough Audience “Rex! Rex! Listen to this!”

Rex lay in quiet repose on the back porch hammock. He wearily cracked open an eye from his third nap of the morning. I picked him up and carted him into the house and sat him on the coffee table.

“Oh, you’re going to love this!”

I stood in the middle of the living room, facing him. “Rex, I’m going to become a standup comedian!”

Rex looked out the front window, partially turning his back on me.

An avoidance technique he had learned years ago.

“No, really. Seriously folks.

I’m going to do an Open Mic night and I want you to be the first to hear my act.” He turned back to face me, but sighed.

“Okay. Ready? Here we go. Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Thursday Night Open Mic. Let’s give a big hand again to Bessie the Cow who mooed ‘My Old Kentucky Home.’ Rex, I’m going to compliment the previous Open Mic act. In this case, I’m just pretending a cow named Bessie sang a song.” Rex was now staring down at his feet, and sighed heavily again.

“So. Take my dog. Please.

Rex, that’s an old twist on the old Henny Youngman joke. His most famous line was, “Take my wife.

Please. He uh, he . . .” I started to laugh. “He suckered the audience with a common quip, ‘Take my wife,’ and then he hammered it with ‘Please,’ like he was sick

and tired of his wife, so he said ‘Please.’ Oh, oh, that is so funny!”

I dropped to my knees choking for air I was laughing so hard.

I looked up to Rex on the coffee table. He was licking his butt!

I regained my composure, stood up and continued. “I know a retired submarine captain.

He owns a three thousand square foot house, but lives in the hallway! Oh! Oh!” I started laughing again. Rex momentarily halted his cleaning job and gave me a dismissive look. It is quite a blow to the ego when your dog gives you a dismissive look.

“I hear they took down the new piranha exhibit at the children’s petting zoo!” I fell onto the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Get it? Get it Rex? Piranha at the children’s petting zoo? Oh my God that is funny! Funny, funny, funny!!!”

Rex lay on his back on the coffee table, staring at a small spider on the ceiling.

“Okay. Okay, here’s another good one. Abraham Lincoln goes into a hat store. He tries on a beanie with a propellor on top, a coonskin cap and finally says, ‘Naw, I’ll take that Top Hat.” I fell onto the floor again in a heap of laughter. “Clear!! Paddles!!

Medic!!” I got up again and continued. Rex slowly inched his way to the edge of the coffee table, preparing to make a break for it. “Not so fast, Rexie. The best is yet to come!”

“A woman asks her husband, ‘Hey, does my huge, bulbous butt

make this dress look big?’” Like a 200 pound bag of potatoes, I hit the floor again, pounding the carpet with my fist trying to stop convulsing with uncontrollable laughter. Rex had resumed the licking of his naughty parts, perhaps giving a good chase to an errant flea.

“Two blondes walk into a bar.

They should have aimed for the door! Oh my God this is funny stuff! Too bad Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon are off the air. Oh. Mercy sakes.” I wiped the tears off my face. Rex lay on his back, eyes crossed, making

choking sounds. He hopped off the coffee table. I heard the slapping of his doggie door and the whoosh of his plopping into the hammock again.

Rex is a good, faithful companion, but evidently has little to no sense of humor.

Rex (and Tom) can be reached at tomburns100@yahoo.com

It’s National Humor Month!

Laugh Out Loud!

Answers on pg 20

Comedy Funniness Jest Wit Jocularity Buffoonery Slapstick Drollery Whimsy Parody Satire Spirits Joker Comic Jester Clown Mimic Amusing Droll Tickling

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FOOL CURB on the

January 2014

While traipsing through the land of humor I came across some unsavory characters…

Once I got to know them … I discovered their wisdom and magic.

By Stacy Lininger

JOKES

Bob Dubac, Witticist, Telluride

SUBMITTED

A: One, but it takes 99 visits.

Q: How do you handle an audience who isn’t laughing?

A: I try not to get rebooked for funerals.

Our favorite Chiropractor in Monterey wishes to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. The rule should be the number of appointments equals your fingers and toes.

Tim Bedore, Stand-up comic, Minneapolis Q: When did you first realize you were funny?

A: The doctor who delivered me said when I came out I made a face at him and he laughed so I knew right away.

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

blocks for many artists to connect with an audience. It’s sometimes the only way to get people to hear the truth.

Betsy Salkind, Stand-up comic, Los Angeles Q: Why is comedy important?

A: In past cultures the fool or clown’s purpose was to expose what was wrong with society so it could be addressed. I still think that’s our role but sometimes a joke is just a joke.

Q: When did you first realize you were funny?

A: When I got in trouble at school for making jokes and laughing.

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: Were you beaten up as a child?

A: The bruises on my face were from me using it to slap my dad’s hand.

Q: Why is comedy important?

A: Comedy is a language, a means of expression, it’s the seven musical notes, the alphabet, the periodic table, the basic building

FUNNY BONES

Even graduate school where I failed a communication’s course workshop for doing a comedy routine. Luckily the Dean thought it was funny and passed me.

Answers on page 20

15

16

April 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality

Feed ME!

by Quarlen Qurossman

1. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”

A. Jack Handey B. Jack London

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2. “Whining is anger through a small opening.”

A. Al Franken B. Stuart Smalley 3. “A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen.”

A. Saddam Hussein B. Winston Churchill 4. “I believe there’s something out there watching over us.

Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

A. Woody Allen B. Justin Bieber 5. “I’m not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamit, I’m a billionaire.”

A. Confucius B. Howard Hughes 6. “Rich widows are the only secondhand goods that sell at first-class prices.”

A. Bilbo Baggins B. Benjamin Franklin 7. “Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.”

A. Andy Rooney B. Abraham Lincoln 8. “Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.” A. Pope Francis B. Lenny Bruce Answers (all true): 1-A 2-A&B 3-B 4-A 5-B 6-B 7-A 8-B Scoring: (number correct ) 7-8 Prickly 5-6 Vivacious 3-4- Greasy 1-2Cuddly 0- Zany Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

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By Ted Gargiulo

E

ntertainment has become a technological obsession.

Virtually every electronic device on the market—from computers to cellphones to glucose test strip monitors—has been configured to maintain some level of amusement or stimulation. They play sounds when they start up, sounds when they shut down, sounds when they encounter problems, jingles that underscore specific messages, actions, notifications, etc.

The more practical, state-ofthe-art gizmos not only serenade you; they talk to you as well. They recite your blood pressure, heart rate, blood sugar levels, how many messages you have on your answering machine, or how to get from one location to another. And if you’re too busy texting, eating and/or applying makeup to glance at your watch while you’re driving to work (too distracting!), a talking dashboard will tell you the time.

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831.644.9811

Are people so terminally bored that they need this constant sensory input to keep them from going loony?

I had an old fax machine that announced in a man’s voice, when a transmission began, when it was complete and when it failed.

The voice never explained why a transmission failed, nor was there any way to shut the blame thing up. Why the manufacturer chose to incorporate this obnoxious personality into the unit, I’ll never know. If I could have at least replaced that dude with, say, a sexy female who whispered my name each time I pushed her start button— sending faxes would have been a pleasure. But that wasn’t an option.

Cheap machine!

Today’s smart cellphones, even the stupid ones, come bundled with playlists of custom ringtones for discriminating users...like yourself. If those aren’t enough for you, there are a gazillion more online to purchase and download—unique, signature » pg 17

April 2014

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17

By Mary Tompsett

Y

« pg 16

motifs that tell the world, Hey, Everybody, I’m special! Even when your battery is dying, the crazy contraption can still muster enough power to sound an alert.

Are people so terminally bored that they need this constant sensory input to keep them from going loony?

Would that people were as musically and technologically endowed as their machines. Imagine: one day you may be able to have a microprocessor chip implanted in your skull. Like your cellphone or computer, you’d have your own programmable medley of audio files to accompany your moment-bymoment operations. Every action, every emotional response, would trigger an appropriate sound bite.

For instance, when you’re happy, a positive hum resonates through your sinus cavities. If you’re contentious or out-of-sorts, a loud

buzz blows out the opposite end. If you walk backwards in a crowded supermarket, a shrill beep-beepbeep-beep alerts shoppers you’re approaching.

You could power up each day with a rousing blast of Reveille.

Or Mendelssohn’s Spring Song if your prefer. Or birds chirping.

Or coffee perking. Likewise, you’d have another menu of favorites for powering down at night, like Taps,” Brahms’ Lullaby, “Hush, Little Baby; sounds of crickets, ocean surf, owls, bullfrogs— whatever turns you on (or off, as the case may be). Best of all, your body’s audio processor, like most electronic entities, would contain enough reserve power to emit a tasteful farewell when you exit this world. You could actually program your own death rattle...in advance!

Cool, huh! What custom finale would you choose? Nearer, My God to Thee? Chopin’s Funeral March?

A 21-gun salute?

Or how about that all-time classic: Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!

It works for me!

esterday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was rushed to a local Newark hospital after collapsing at a ribbon-cutting ceremony at the new KFC Eating Disorders Museum. A hospital spokesman has since announced that after a number of tests, Christie has been diagnosed with the rare condition known as stigmata.

Stigmata is the appearance of bleeding wounds in the hands and feet, resembling those of the crucified Christ. The condition is almost exclusively a Catholic phenomenon occurring to its saints and monastics. Christie, although an Italian Catholic, is also a scandal-plagued politician, which raises the question whether the Almighty may be backing Christie’s claims of innocence.

Last year Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg had been treated for similar symptoms but stigmata was immediately ruled out because she is Jewish. Further investigation revealed Ginsberg’s wounds were caused by a faulty table saw she had acquired on Craigslist.

Prior to his collapse, Christie had reported feeling dizzy but dismissed the bleeding in his extremities as due to chapped skin. Upon admission to the hospital, he was visibly bleeding from both hands.

Ironically, his foot wounds were initially undetected because he was wearing red socks. A full examination also revealed lacerations on his knees, which

have never been considered as stigmatic wounds. Christie’s wife later clarified that the governor had injured his knees while reaching for a bag of Cheetos and becoming entangled in his home rowing machine.

“His foot wounds were initially undetected because he was wearing red socks.”

In recent months Christie has dismissed criticism about his weight, but one of his aides did state the governor is hopeful that the ongoing stigmatic blood loss will reduce his water retention and lower his blood pressure, if it be God’s will. Treatment will focus on maintaining proper blood clotting levels by a higher intake of Vitamin K, found in the green vegetables that had been lacking in his diet.

Although several GOP leaders have criticized the stigmata report as a publicity stunt, Bobby Jindal defended Christie as “a holy man who has earned the right to his new nickname, Big Red.”

www.marytompsett.com * Novel, WHINNY FROM THE HEART, available at http://booklocker.com/ books/5858.html * Current Humor Column, POSING AS NORMAL, featured at http://foolishtimes.net Copyright © 2014

18

April 2014

color me AMUSED

By Rosie Sorenson ust when you think you’ve seen it all, along comes the New-New trend: Gray hair on twenty- somethings. Put there not by Mother Nature but by hairdressers at the request of their young female clients. On purpose!

According to hairstylist, Amber Jahn, interviewed in the San Francisco Chronicle, “A gray streak is Cred--it’s exhilarating; it’s something new.” As my Midwestern grandmother would say, “Well, if that don’t beat all.”

This new fad sounds a tad ridiculous to us Boomers who have been forever coloring away the gray that kids now think is hot. I’ve had blonde highlights for many years and can tell you unequivocally, that even though there’s some gray in there, I’m not feeling the Cred.

Crud, perhaps, but definitely not Cred.

What’s next for these young people with too much money and too much free time? Professionally applied, artificial wrinkles? Silicone turkey waddles? Spider vein tattoos? Have at it, kids.

And as long as you’re searching for Cred, how about tossing in a few faux night sweats, a bit of insomnia, and some lovely bloating? Those would give you enough Cred to last a lifetime, or at least until you pass through menopause, at which time you can rail against your own daughter for wanting to be so different. So unique. So not.

And, as if that’s not ridiculous enough—Researchers at Brigham Young University discovered that when shopping in high

J

heels, women were less likely to overspend. The higher the heel, the more cautious the spender. The researchers reasoned that having to concentrate on one’s balance might trick the brain into making more balanced decisions. Indeed, participants who were asked to stand on one foot were more likely to buy a mid-priced TV.

“Picture, if you will, all members of Congress wearing custom-fitted stilettos.”

I’m sure this has not been lost on the good folks at Best Buy. Soon, they will ban from their stores all women wearing high heels. Signs will be posted: Sneakers Only!

Violators Will Be Prosecuted.

Law suits claiming discrimination will follow. This must be covered somewhere in the Constitution.

Surely our forefathers thought ahead to the time when our land would be dotted with women shod in Jimmy Choos.

But, the upside could be huge.

Picture, if you will, all members of Congress wearing custom- fitted stilettos. Don’t you think John Boehner would look especially dapper in pink Kate Spades, standing on one foot on the floor of the House crying, “No, No! We can no longer afford those tax breaks for Exxon and the top 1percent--we must be balanced!”

Ah, research—it’s not just for scientists any more.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said “I’ve got a better idea ... let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

April 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

By Rex Keyes

A

pril is probably the month with the most songs named after it and they mostly all involve rain and love. One of the best April songs is, April Showers done

by Mel Torme on YouTube when he was very, very young. He even plays the drums using a drumstick (not a chicken drumstick) and a whisk to make it upbeat. The words in the melody have us looking for a bluebird and listening for his song when it rains. Ah, but this is central California and we are in a drought and these April songs might fall short of our expectations. And if it doesn’t rain in April, the Bluebird of Happiness will have flown the coop, no water and no happiness.

Another April song is April Love

by Pat Boone. It states, Sometimes an April day will suddenly bring showers, rain to grow the flowers for her first bouquet. Well guys, no rain, and therefore no flowers for her first

bouquet. The only bouquets available will have to be imported flowers from Peru, not local from Monterey.

Still another song, The Day That The Rains Came Down, sung by Jane Morgan, is dependent on rain sweet rain causing lilacs to bloom, fields growing greener, and gone the dry riverbed. Well, about the dry riverbeds: Carmel River is dry, no steelhead migrating upstream; the Salinas River dry, no flow to the sea.

And the fields in the Salinas Valley are only getting greener by irrigation.

“But don’t let the bad news rain on your parade.”

But don’t let the bad news rain on your parade. April is still one of the most beautiful months and the dandelions, lupin and California poppies will still bloom. And for romance try this French song, Le

Jour Ou La Pluie Viendra sung by Jane Morgan in 1958. It’s The Day That The Rains Came Down in French. That day may be a long time coming but the song sounds very good in French.

There is a big disaster looming.

Forget about the Ukraine, forget about the radioactive debris floating across the Pacific Ocean from Japan and forget about the drought! There is a greater disaster that will occur in April that dwarfs all of them, and that is after 12 years Microsoft will stop supporting the millions of XP users on the Internet. Hackers will have a field day. XP users will have to change to Windows 8.1!Aaarrgh!

There are rumors that a couple of search companies will support XP for a year or two more but that is it. I say we camp out at Microsoft’s doorstep in Redmond, WA in protest just as if it were the 60s again or email them or call them on the phone or send letters the old fashioned way.

I guess Bob Dylan was right, the times, they are a changing.

19

What do you call an American drawing?

Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed” Did you have a big role?

No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?

Yale!

What is a volcano?

A mountain with hiccups!

What runs but never walks?

Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?

Two seasick tourists!

Who is in cowboy films and always broke?

Skint Eastwood!

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Who is the biggest gangster in the sea?

Al Caprawn!

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?

A pecking order!

Why did the silly kid stand on his head?

His feet were tired!

How did the farmer fix his jeans?

With a cabbage patch!

20

April 2014

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Foolish Sudoku

Foolish Search

Answers

Answers from page 17

from page 10

“Life is a paradox. For example; to think for yourself you need to listen to me.”

“Life without the “f” is a lie. Earth without “art” is just “eh.”

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April 2014

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21

25 Cent Logic A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

Laundry Logic Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man went up to her and asked, “Why are you doing this?”

The blonde said, “I’m washing my clothes. Is there a problem?”

The man said, “Why don’t you try a washing machine?

The blonde replied, “I feel dizzy in the washing machine!”

New Logic A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!”

Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.”

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”

Weight Loss Logic A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then

skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you’ll lose at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

The doctor exclaims, “That’s amazing! Did you follow my diet?”

The blonde nods. “I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!”

Gambling Logic Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!” As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!”

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

Baby Logic A couple is trying to have a baby.

Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!”

The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?”

She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”

22

April 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

April

National Humor Month Founded in 1976 by comedian and best-selling author Larry Wilde, Director of The Carmel Institute of Humor. It is designed to heighten public awareness on how the joy and therapeutic value of laughter can improve health, boost morale, increase communication skills and enrich the quality of one’s life.

It also makes people laugh. www.larrywilde.com

Every Friday & Saturday In April

Planet Gemini Monterey’s #1 comedy and dance nightspot.

The Lane brothers Feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com

April 5-6

April 17

Good Old Days Over 225 art and food vendors in downtown P.G. A parade, live entertainment on four stages, old-fashioned games and contests and lots of family fun.

Does this sound familiar?

April 7-11

Plein Air Painting Convention The 3rd Annual event features a multitude of the top plein air artists (artists who paint outdoors on location) in the world, demonstrations and discussions.

Artists will paint together around the area. I’m sure lupine with be well represented in paintings this week.

Pink Floyd Laser Light Show

April 10-13

Sea Otter Classic The 24th anniversary of the largest cycling festival and consumer trade show in North America. It includes a wide variety of bike races and fun rides for every kind, level and age of rider. more than 250 exhibitors, stunt shows, access to the best teams on the race circuit and kid’s activities. www.seaotterclassic.com

Anything Pink Floyd is great.

Even with a sound track and no live musicians, this is a worth the trip to Sunset Center. www.sunsetcenter.org

April 20

Easter Easter is always celebrated on the Sunday immediately following the first full moon after the spring equinox. At least that’s what some bunny told me.

www.pleinairconvention.com

April 25-27

Big Sur International Marathon April 5

April 12

1964- The Tribute

Earth Day Marina

“Best Beatles Tribute on Earth”

by Rolling Stone Magazine.

This is the most authentic Beatles tribute in the world.

For over 27 years, this group has successfully recreated every sensation of being at a Beatles concert circa 1964 through 1966.

13 sold out recent shows at Carnegie Hall. www.sunsetcenter.org

Celebrates our planet at LockePaddon Park. Help remove invasive plants, plant native plants, paint benches and trash cans. Put down mulch along the fence line and pick up trash. Free lunch to participants, 25 booths with games, crafts and interactive learning. www.c4smarina.weebly.com

April 10-13

PB Food & Wine This epic epicurean event offers the best in food and wine with 60 celebrity chefs and 250 wineries assemble at Pebble Beach to bring you the culinary experience of a lifetime. www.pbfw.com

The “Best Marathon in North America” draws entrants from all over the world. Other events include a 21-mile power walk, 5K run, 9-mile walk, 10.6-mile walk, marathon relay, and Just Kids 3K. www.bsim.org

April 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

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Joining Hands Benefit Shop 26358 Carmel Rancho Ln, Carmel 831.293.8140 www.ifaithcarmel.org

RESALE

Animal Welfare Benefit Shoppe 206 17th St Pacific Grove 831.372.1650

TRAIL

Second Chance

105 Central Ave Pacific Grove 831.717.4479 www.secondchancepg.com

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Branches Resale Shoppe

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Golden Rose

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Tailwaggers

The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!

489 Webster St Monterey 831.375.4780 www.sancarlosschool.org Thrift Boutique & Collectables 1101 Del Monte Ave Monterey 831.620.5122

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MPVS Benefit Shop

655 Broadway Ave Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org

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NCI Affiliates, Inc. 110 E. Alisal St Salinas 831.424.3899 www.nciaffiliates.org

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Featured Shop

Second Chance Thrift Store

provides job training and life skills to participants in The Bridge Restoration Ministry yearlong residential program. In addition to job training Second Chance also financially benefits The Bridge.