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Thursday - Sunday ~ February 6th - 9th, 2014

MONTEREY

EXPRESS SHUTTLE

Only $15.00 roundtrip

Two Convenient Shuttle Stops CANNERY ROW

Shuttle Stop located on the corner of Cannery Row & Prescott, next to Steinbeck Plaza (Map: 700 Cannery Row, Monterey)

DOWNTOWN MONTEREY OR

Parking available for $5.00 in Cannery Row Garage

(Map Garage: 600 Foam Street, Monterey)

Shuttle Schedule: For Both Shuttle Stops

Thursday - Saturday: Sunday:

6:00AM - 6:00PM 6:00AM - 5:00PM

Shuttle Stop located in front of the Monterey Conference Center at the corner of Calle Principal & Del Monte (Map: Two Portola Plaza, Monterey)

Parking available for $5.00 in Downtown West Garage

(Map Garage: 342 Tyler Street, Monterey)

Shuttle Tickets: $15.00

Each ticket is roundtrip, per person, per day. We only accept cash. Multi-day tickets available at shuttle stops.

For parking, directions & details go to canneryrow.com

PARK IN MONTEREY... STAY IN MONTEREY! Fastest & Easiest Way to the Tournament!


Feburary 2014

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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Admin Fool...............................Lisa C. Sales Fool............................Rhonda T. Art Fool..............................Morgan M. Resident Humorist............Larry Wilde Cover Photo Courtesy of Walter the Dog

Contributors Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Dorothy Maras-Ildiz, Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Chuck Scardina, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood

When

Snow

Sleet & Rain

prevent you from picking up

The Chucklehead Speaks We all have special dates in our lives that we commemorate. The births of my two kids and the day my heart was put back in working order are two that I have penciled on the calendar. February 5 marks the second anniversary of my heart attack. I’m not the brightest person in the room and I’m very stubborn. This can be a bad combination. For 10 days I had chest pains. During that time I played golf, worked my normal 60-plus hours a week and attended a Super Bowl party in Santa Cruz. Did I happen to mention I’m not very bright and I’m stubborn? The pain was preventing me from sleeping so I decided to drive to the hospital to see if there was something really wrong with me. They found two things; a series of heart attacks due to 90 percentage blockage and world class stupidity. They told me they could fix the heart although it was up to me to fix the stupid. My doctor advised that it was in my best interest to listen to what my body tells me and slow down my lifestyle and stop taking chances. He recommended that I stop riding my motorcycle, work less, don’t participate in bike races over mountains in Mexico, avoid all contact sports, eat healthy, drink less and for the love of life take the meds! I did what any reasonable person would have done; I fired my doctor and found one that would allow me to do life my way, although with the meds. Life is good.

Editor’s Note Love, love will keep us together ... apparently not for the Captain and Tennille who made this song famous and just recently filed for divorce. They had a pretty big fan base in the 70s and 80s with their easy listening love songs. Their big hit, Muskrat Love, had Muskrat Susie and Muskrat Sam doing the jitterbug out in muskrat land. Hmmm ... Well, whatever land you’re in this month, be sure to take along Foolish Times. The jokes ... the cartoons ... the columns ... why, it’s the perfect Valentine’s gift! Wrap it up and put a red bow on it and you’ll be golden! Our advertisers have some great specials for gifts, flowers, dinners ... even donuts. Be creative, be fun, step outside the box for your love ... just don’t forget February 14 the Day! One more thing ... Red Velvet M&Ms, yummo! Thanks! Susie Q. / editor@foolishtimes.net

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Feburary 2014

Pondering Old Age How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, “Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?” And I’m happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life’s competition,I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

In Memoriam Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a

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memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Relaxing Location While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

A Dime a Dozen While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. “Excuse me,” I said, approaching a clerk. “I’m looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes.” Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, “Take your pick.”

The Problem With Jury Duty Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s

office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms,” the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year,” she replied. “You have to fill them out every year.” “Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?”

On Retirement Time

Dream Home

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.”

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. “I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel,” he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. “Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll only look once.”

Clicking Into Place “Everything’s starting to click for me!” said my father-in-law at dinner. “My knees, my elbows, my neck ...”

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. “I never know what day of the week it is,” he gloated. “All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church.”

The Three Week Diet

Misdirection Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost. Me: What are you looking for? Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard. Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions? Customer: Sure. See, it’s spelled M-L-K-J-R Boulevard.


Feburary 2014

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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft & bottles 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

CAFÉ

DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

CHINESE

Del Monte Café Great breakfast & lunch Fresh handmade burgers to order 1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside 831.394.7851 www.delmontecafeseaside.com

Jim’s Lots of food for so little money! Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava

Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288

419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com Trailside Café A local favorite. Fish tacos, salads, benedicts Ocean view, heated patio 550 Wave St, Monterey 831-649.8600 www.trailsidecafe.com

Noodle Bar Inexpensive, not cheap! New Vietnamese Boba drinks 1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.392.0210 215 Reservation Rd, Marina 831.384.6225 www.noodlebarfood.com

PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.233.3122

ITALIAN La Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life” Charming date night or family gathering place Great wine list, indoor & patio seating 5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores Carmel 831.624.3667 www.ladolcevitacarmel.com Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Lopez Cantina Award-winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious Can you say tequila! 635 Cass St, Monterey 831.324.4260 www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers

PUBS Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage. Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina 831.883.9399 www.dannathaikitchen.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223


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Feburary 2014

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What

PANTY

By Mary Tompsett “What is the best thing to take when you’re run down? The license number of the car that hit you!” It’s quite clear that an appreciation of humor is something that is easily learned, it’s an intuitive intelligence that can be nourished and improved. Comedy writer Gene Perret says, “Humor is an attitude. It’s a way of looking at life and of telling others how you feel about what’s happening around you.” Humor shows us the absurdity of life’s absurdities. It becomes abundantly apparent that there are very few things in life that do not have a humorous side. It allows us to turn painful experiences into hilarious escapades.

10 Commandments for Lighthearted Living (OK, 11)

1. Make up your mind that no matter what happens you’re going to be a happy person. If you’re not having fun, fake it. 2. Start the day with a smile by reading something funny. Skip the stress of listening to the news. 3. If you meet someone who hasn’t got a smile, give them yours. 4. Keep a clip file of cartoons and jokes handy for emergency infusions of humor. 5. Laugh at your troubles. crying is no fun and complaining does no good. 6. Laugh at your dumb mistakes before others have a chance to. 7. Laugh with your partner and your relationship will improve. 8. Laugh with your kids and they’ll never stop loving you. 9. Don’t laugh with your relatives, it will encourage them to borrow money. 10. Keep smiling! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to. 11. Remember: Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

An excerpt from out resident humorist’s book, Treasury of Laughter.

S

ome people enjoy Valentine’s Day, a day celebrating love. But in honor of all those who would rather skip the whole thing, I’m delighted to report that St. Valentine is the patron saint of venereal disease. I read a Ten Undies You Must Have article. 10?!? I don’t have 10 of anything unless you count a half-bag of corn chips or the floaters in my eyes. Anyway, the writer described various sexy, scanty lingerie items and was obviously someone who (a) missed the fun of -40 degree F wind chills last month; and (b) is way more interested in getting laid than yours truly. To my mind (and I use the term loosely), the article targeted straight, young, overweight women eager to part with hard-earned money. I found no list for straight men, perhaps because many are content with the 10 items already in their drawer, namely, a faded pair of Homer Simpson briefs and nine mismatched socks. Apparently, I have squandered years of my life by not dedicating my waking hours to eliminating visible panty lines. I’m so ashamed. I’m also too cheap to buy new clothes but you can bet your dental implants I’m cutting out all the Relaxed Fit labels in my jeans. Got lines? Save your bus change and skip panties entirely! Can’t make that jump? Okay, most gals like tight clothes more than exercise, so to look fit and erase panty lines, keep it simple: Wear a wetsuit. The list included doublestick tape to keep those low and provocative garments in place. While I look up provocative in the dictionary to see if my men’s long underwear qualify (I sewed the fly

Lines

?

shut with pink thread), I can tell you there is plenty of low to be taped up. Not clothes, but skin. Some of us would do well to keep on hand a roll of flesh-colored duct tape for reining in the double chin or tucking away our bilateral wing flab. And while we’re at it, let’s be proactive and raise the entire bustline by, oh, 16 inches. Thongs. We wore thongs to the beach back in the 60s! Yeah, that’s what we called those cheap rubber flip flops. But thong undies? Why buy just the elastic, without fabric, and also want it to show?? That’s a panty line! Very confusing. Ladies, for a thong look and no panty lines, save your money and swipe a black marker across your ass and be done with it.

“The list included double-stick tape to keep those low and provocative garments in place.” Matching sleep set and robe. Well, thank God I’m not a total loser. My new Snow Queen of Frozen drop-seat flannel jammies do have a matching cape and tiara. SPANX is a brand appearing often in the list. Personally, I would never trust a manufacturer that can’t spell. And how about a little truth in advertising? If you’re going to sell full-body suit shapewear, skip the cutsie SPANX misspelling and just call the damn girdles CORPORAL PUNISHMENT. And while you’re at it, get R&D to come up with a line of wetsuits. Flesh tone. With black thong lines.

Copyright © 2014


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B.B.Q. By Monty Truitt

Feed ME! A Local’s Favorite Ever y Monday All-You-Can-Eat Spaghetti...$7.95

The Best Char-Broiled Burgers In Town!

We ’ r e M i l i t a r y Fr i e n d l y ! Ser ving Lunch & Dinner 7 Days-A-Week • 11:30am -9pm

282 High Street, Monterey

By (I’m not a Chef!) Dorothy Maras-Ildiz

L

et’s start from the start … I am not now, nor have I ever been a chef. Hell, I haven’t even played one on TV. Somehow, my last column here in the Foolish Times inadvertently had my name listed as Chef Dorothy blah, blah, blah. Eeeeek! After clarifying the fact that I am not a chef, let me tell you what I have done within the culinary field during the past three decades +. Hostess, busser, server, asst. manager, manager, general manager, director of operations, certified sommelier, dishwasher ( when pushed into action ), prep cook ( until I ended up burnt and cut up like I had visited a couple of war zones), line cook and yes….sous chef, owner,

franchisee, marketing director, columnist of culinary thoughts and experiences and now….I am the Senior Culinary Liaison/Event Coordinator for both Pebble Beach Food & Wine, www.pbfw.com and Los Angeles Food & Wine www.lafw. com. I am fondly and not-so-fondly referred to as the chef whisperer at these events and juggle the needs, wants, wishes and desires of the best chefs in the world. But….I am not a chef. I repeat, not a chef. Those people are certifiably crazy and on most days I am just somewhat insane and have a tendency to sing Christmas Carols to myself in the middle of August. To be a real chef you’ve got to

be one part artist, two parts athlete, made of Teflon so nothing sticks to you, able to wear a Nomex fire-proof suit in a 125 F kitchen and look cool while you do it, juggle knives and lit blow torches, move like a ballerina on the slickest surfaces known to mankind, understand the subtle differences between the taste of Amazonian Piranha and the delicate flavor of a blowfish (preferably, without the poison still in it).

“To be a real chef you’ve got to be one part artist, two parts athlete made of Teflon so nothing sticks to you ...” Additionally, you have to be able to manage a crew of slightly manic misfits who delight in pranking one another constantly with things like knives and gigantic slicing machines, who are otherwise known as your line cooks. Many of whom, I have no

831.644.9811

doubt have worn orange jumpsuits … if you get my drift. These folks are the backbone of our industry and I have the highest regard for their talent and skill sets. They are the hardest working people I’ve ever known and some of the best people on the planet as well. These are the people you want to have in the trenches with you. The ones who have got your back. On the flip side … these are the people who you never, ever want to dislike you … for any reason. So, for all of the real chefs out there who saw that hard earned word chef next to my name at the head of this column, my apologies. To all of their respective sous chefs and line cooks who have begun hunting for my scalp on the behalf of their chef, who I inadvertently insulted…stand down the army, boys and girls! I know what it takes to be the chef and believe me…I am not that person, nor do I look stylish in a fire-proofTeflon jumpsuit. Cheers and Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full.


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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes & otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net

This month we celebrate love in all of its humor! Making the Grade My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

Mower Than a Greeting Card My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: “I lawn for you mower and mower each day.”

9 to 5 Love My husband, a certified public

accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine’s Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”

Sweet Nothings My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a modem.”

A Little Nuts About Love Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”

Check Out a Romance I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.

After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn’t answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. “Since I couldn’t find the right engagement ring,” he said, “this will have to do,” and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read “NOT FOR CIRCULATION.”

Vacuum Love Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Yes,” came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.” “That was very kind of you,” Jim added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.” Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better.”


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Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com Aries: March 21 - April 19 The Ram  Flirting with disaster! Atrocious what the powers of infatuation can do. Tried to ARM-pitt against you and sniff you out. Rambitious, you go undefeated! Rising to the occasion of temperatures unforeseen, you burn right through the atmospheric haze. Hope may float you a little while. But the gravity of true love will mystify you. Contact Ground control, orbit back to Earth and take a shower! Taurus: April 20 - May 20 The Bull  Your face of love is showing. Through your morning brew, smoke signals are telling you that you are threw Don Juan-ita! AH, screw it, you are in love and you must fair equal to all the inhabitants you have accrued and tell them of your newly appointed curfew. Release past-lost love(s), they were only something you misplaced from the start. Gemini: May 21- June 20 The Twins  My Fair Lady fell in love with Henry Higgins even after she lost her innocence in that scalding bath, and barely escaped its wrath. Finally, with much perseverance, the Rain in Spain fell mainly on her vein (of gold), voila success! It is not a crime to lose your way or your hair or gain it in unsightly places. What is important is that you insist on action! GEM you can love love’s deliciously low moments too. Cancer: June 21- July 22 The Crab  Enough of that insolent clawing over your lost honor! Too much pride can make you prejudiced. It’s creating a wake big enough to shove you into

a narrow berth, one you can never reverse out of amigo. Use your head ~ (Or just turn around.) Don’t be a bleak pecker, rip hard into your own shell, and let the love ooze unreservedly. Leo: July 23 - August 22 The Lion  Oh Punchy Paws! No one better than you to sacrifice for love! You will make a show of it and entertain the whole bunch of us. Life is a stage, so said Will Shake ~ Those envious testy testicles always around testifying that you are not worthy of this move! (Relax its only chess): The King for his second draught brings forth his Queen and both peruse all across the board leaving only skid marks of sorts. Virgo: August 23 - September 22 The Virgin Through a dark and futile door, a small dive, soft piano music in the background, and Moby Dick splashing gaily on the TV screen. He is a big dick in a vast sea, kid, see. You too have to fight for what you want. Use your pheromones as a harpoon and rope one in, gingerly please! Don’t let your date end up in the emergency room again. ...here, here fishy.

November 21

The Scorpion

Love is never having to say you’re Horny, not with your Scorpio-phonic waves. The dances of love though not always dripping with sweat, flood and fears, friction or fiction or harmonious diction, what’s left you ask? Not much really, except if you watch and listen closely Forgivenessa and Loyaltino are not just Italian video game names for handsome virtual couples running through ancient shrubbery... Stop clearing your throat; it only makes it terribly obvious. Sagittarius: November 22 December 21 The Archer  Master Archer, a roll, roll, roll in ZEE hay, will keep the doc away! Your power of folly is so jolly and it knocked you off your feet today. Apparently, once you found out your lover was a gluten-free lay, you went a little Abby Normal and ate them in the archway. Huzzah! Capricorn: December 22 January 19 The Goat  The power of silence you foster all too well, ‘tis no secret where you dwell. Knock Knock, hell, anybody there? Most often, misinterpreted as your disdain for love. What gives you

By Bini

away are those Goose bumps large as mice crawling upon you and spelling out this vice. Thrice dare declare your words of love; it is much to do about something! Aquarius: Jan 23 - February 18 The Water-Carrier  Getting a-Head is not something you need, you having plenty of brainpower. Remember love’s home is not to be found in your cabessa. Question your progress in this new love all aglow, is it real or imagined? The Body Blue, 80 percent liquid emotion ebbing and flowing, churning and burning and blowing ... out your Birthday candles of course. Pisces: February 19 - March 20 The Fishes You are THE compassion fashionista! You have swished across oceans of seaweed; tail spun the sea’s paint from indigo, to celadon, to emerald green and linked the oceans depth to the caviar galaxies above. This is certainly enough to begin weaning off those sour romances that you mistake for turtledoves. True Love Actually is warning you that your heels are sinking into the mud; wake up you Elmer Fudd! What you need now is love, sweet love...

Libra: September 23 - October 22 The Scales  Manipulation, derived form the Latin word meaning handful in your case handfull! Take a rest from your control issues with loved ones. You are smothering them like a terrorist. I know you feel cherubic, and yet those hickeys you have plundered resemble a bull’s-eye. These frothy imbalances only leave you dehydrated. Imbibe! Scorpio: October 23 -

9

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother—I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.


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January 2014

JOKES

SUBMITTED

FUNNY BONES

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 thorugh 9 once.

BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Early one morning John, who works at the local funeral parlor, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains. They rushed to the emergency room where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain. John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. John`s wife turned to John and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral parlor now?”With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, “Ma`am, he`s not THAT sick!” Submitted by Sharlene Chadwick, Office Support Specialist at Yolo County Health Department. Hello to Yolo! The word Yolo is funny enough.

Answers on page 20

By Debbie Harris

I

recently donated blood with the American Red Cross. I do this more out of a need to be helpful than for appreciation of the experience (and healthy people with limited funds for charity can still give blood). You see, I’m squeamish. I look away when I’m given a vaccination, when having blood drawn for tests, or when anyone else is having skin puncturing procedures done to them. When I accompanied my dad when he had some skin cancer cut off the back of his hand, I sat behind the examination chair and looked at magazines. It was all I could handle to see the bloody gauze being deposited on the surgical tray. Still, in the name of community service, I am determined to overcome squeamishness. On behalf of the squeamish, I would like to offer some suggestions to organizations that collect blood to help make the squeamish feel less so.

First of all, please remember that you may be used to sticking people with needles every day, but the recipients of the needles are not used to that experience. People don’t usually lie on their beds or their couches with an arm stretched out carefully, so as not to disturb the needle sticking out of it of it. So, remember the needle part, ok? Next, I think squeamish people should have their own room for donating. And when I say room,

“Squeamish people have mentally gone into their Happy Place.” I don’t mean a section in a huge converted motor home. Squeamish people need to rest their arms with the needles in them on a support

away from traffic, not dangling in the isle where they might be bumped into or jostled. Also, medical staff, please watch what you talk about around the donators. When a donor is lying there with a needle in his/her arm, please don’t talk about the last guy you drew blood from. You know, the guy with the huge, hard vein that you practically had to get a running start to puncture. The squeamish don’t want to hear that. Squeamish people need atmosphere. Dim the lights, play soft music, provide candle light, set up a trickling water fountain, and use aroma therapy to set the mood. Prepare the room as if were going on an intimate date with Dracula. And when you check on us, don’t expect much animation in our responses. Once the needle has gone into their arm, squeamish people have mentally gone into their Happy

Place. Even if, like me, they’ve never been there, they’ve gone to their mental Hawaii, where they’re lying on the warm beach with the breeze blowing through the palm trees. So when you ask how they’re doing, you might get a quiet murmur OK. We don’t want to be disturbed or reminded that we have a needle sticking out of our arm. In fact, when you check on us, incorporate your message or question into our Hawaii Happy Place. Ask us if we’d like a piña colada, invite us to a luau, or offer to rent us some scuba diving gear. Stay in the mood with us. So, blood donation seekers, if you want to get more blood, do like the restaurants used to when they offered smoking or non-smoking sections. Offer us a squeamish or a non- squeamish section and see what happens.


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By Rosie Sorenson

I

Drone on,

my F R I E N D

believe it was Sir Isaac Newton who once said, “For every action, there is an equal, opposite reaction.” Borrowing shamelessly from Newton’s Third law, I’d like to propose my own: “For every Jasper Van Loenen, there is a Phillip Steel.” You see, Van Loenen and Steel are on opposing sides of the Great Drone Divide. Van Loenen, a young techie from the Netherlands, has developed a kit for turning any object into a drone. The complete kit can be purchased online, or the plans can be downloaded for parts which can be printed on a 3D printer. As we already know, 3D printing is now available, and soon we will be able to print components for a drone, a gun, and someday, even a body part.

“Drones are becoming the new black.” In his video, Loenen demonstrates his invention by first attaching the drone’s propellers to a bicycle tire, and then to a keyboard. Up and away the object flies. With his remote control, Van Loenen guides these objects with ease through the space over a parking lot. That’s just what you need for the new year, isn’t it? To be hit on the head by a flying keyboard!

Imagine telling that to the doctor in the emergency room: “Well, doc, you see, there I was, walking down the street, minding my business and this keyboard came flying out of nowhere and attacked me.” The doc would call in a shrink who, upon hearing your tall tale, would be forced to say: “How about some thorazine, buddy?” Alas, Van Leonen is not alone in dreaming of drones. Jeff Bezos, the Big Kahuna of Amazon, has also tossed his hat, or rather his drone, into the ring. He wants to develop a drone which will send books to us within an hour of ordering. I’m now very sorry I complained that Lee Child can’t write his Jack Reacher thrillers fast enough because Jeff must have overheard me and thought, “Well, if she feels that strongly, she obviously can’t wait two days to get his new book.” Have we become such an impatient tribe of lemmings that we will go along with any NewNew thing? Just because? If our protests are not loud and clear right now, the sky will soon be flooded with these critters. Drones will soon become the new black. But, not without dissent. There are among us feisty folk who are raising their windows, and in their best Howard Beale imitation, thrusting their heads

toward the drone-filled sky and shouting, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it any more!” Folks like Phillip Steel, for example. This resident of Deer Trail, Colorado, population of 500, proposed a city ordinance that calls for offering a kill fee of $100 to anyone who shoots down a UAV (unmanned aerial vehicle.) The new hunting license would cost $25. The measure will come up for

Feburary 2014

15

a vote on the April 14 ballot. Steel is very afraid that the U.S. Government will direct drones to spy on him and his fellow Americans, or even attack him. In my humble opinion, Steel has less to worry about from the government than he does from private corporations whose vast databases of information seem to exceed that of the U.S. Government. In fact, I’ve been reading that the U.S. Government actually gets a lot of its information from corporate snooping.What a surprise! So, what’s a protester to do? Shoot first, ask questions later? Oh, look, there’s the Amazon drone now! Wave to the camera, kiddies. And, pull out your guns. No! Wait a minute! Is that the new Jack Reacher novel headed my way? Hold your fire!


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“Foolishness at times a bewildering accoutrement, yet ultimately indispensable, and vital for the best heart-on.”

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe. Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread. Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans. Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems. Q: What runs but doesn’t get anywhere? A: A refrigerator.

T

ESCAPE By Rex Keyes

elevision has made some big changes in the past couple of decades. A good example is the national evening news on the three major networks: ABC, CBS and NBC. The main audience is the aging population in the United States. Towards the end of the newscast the ads get longer and longer and the news shorter. They announce that they are going to a break and will be back, and give you a preview of something interesting so you don’t change channels. That is called a hook and the best hooks are about puppy dogs, cats, some human-interest story or a movie star.

“All three networks start into the same type of ads within one minute of each other.” The ads are for prescription drugs that supposedly will make life better for everyone. They are usually about male stamina and prowess (those blue tablets) with a warning that if it lasts over four hours see a doctor. The other ads are for heart medication or going to the restroom. And try changing channels; they are far ahead of you. All three networks start into the same type of ads within one minute of each other. The drug companies and the medical industry have captured you as an audience if you are into the evening news. You can’t escape. It’s almost as if they all got together and planned the timing on their ads. But, oh no, that would be considered collusion, and they would never do that! And

nothing is sacred; just check out the toilet paper ads with the cute bears. It is unbelievable. Some ads have the toilet paper stuck to the bear’s feet coming out of the bathroom; ah cute! In other television news, at the recent Golden Globes awards ceremony, except for Michael Douglas, the acceptance speeches were generally terrible. Everyone else seemed to be in a Coma. Douglas seemed to Cast a Giant Shadow over everyone. But we’ve got to give him credit as he played The Game well and showed us his Basic Instinct. I could go on but I must get Running and hit The Streets of San Francisco before Traffic gets bad and I run into a Fatal Attraction. Happy Valentines Day. Do not forget to get candy or flowers for your loved one or you will not be able to escape the deep doodoo or deep kimchi, as they say in Korea, you’ll be in. And do not fall for the excuse that your partner might say, “Oh, that’s OK,” because what they are really thinking is, “Burn in HE double hockey sticks you sorry---.” For a blissful Valentine’s Day, just don’t forget!

If you drop your keys into molten lava just let ‘em go ‘cause, man, they’re gone.


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Feburary 2014

FOOL CURB on the

In Her Dreams

By Stacy Lini

What is the silliest thing you have ever done to tell someone you love them?

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

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Francisco Naveja, MPC student, grabs his girlfriend, Cathryn in the middle of the grocery store – twirls her around, dips and then kisses her all while she is holding on for dear life. Next time I hear clean up on aisle five… I will be wondering.

Science teacher, Myah Czerny, was conducting an experiment when she lived with an ex-boyfriend in his motor home while stealing showers at UC Santa Cruz. She is now a teacher at Carmel Middle School - guess she traded a license plate number for an address, although she never confirmed her city during a fact check. Hmm … any questions?

Alex Morales, banquet server from Seaside, really wanted to impress a woman he had the hots for but then his hot water heater went out. What did he do to prove his love …. got the cold shower over with? What a gentleman.

Curbside interviews conducted at Sushi Time, Seaside, CA.


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By Tom Burns

I

My Assistant

had jacked up the pickup truck in my driveway to rotate the tires. The day was a warm and sunny October Saturday. Indian summer they call it. Well, we call it Indian summer. I would think the Indians just called it summer. They would never refer to it as White Man’s summer. As a matter of fact . . . aw, forget it. My faithful companion sat next to me as I grunted off the lug nuts to take the first wheel and tire off. Rex observed my every move with calculated scrutiny. If he had a clipboard, a pen and an opposable thumb, he could have/ would have checked off every part of my tasks to insure completeness and thoroughness of the entire project. Perhaps he figured if he did an impressive job as my assistant, he would get a treat at the end of the job, like a whole chicken thigh, a cheese burger, or possibly the entire hind quarters of a wildebeest or a water buffalo.

“I always endeavor to avoid awkward moments with my pet.” “Rex, how are things going with you and Millie?” Millie is his girlfriend, an English sheepdog who lives next door. They’ve been having their issues to work through. Her weight problems, his tiny stature (being a Dachshund, he suffers from the small man complex,) and his inability to stop ogling at other girl dogs when he’s in her presence.

Rex looked away when I had asked that question. I felt it wise not to pursue it further with him. You build up a feeling, a sensitivity, as to how far you can push a subject without getting to an awkward moment. (I always endeavor to avoid awkward moments with my pet.) Without warning, the jack slipped. My arm became trapped under the edge of the tire. Not broken, I felt, just stuck. Tight. “Rex! Go get help. Go next door. Get Millie’s mom’s attention. Bring her over here, and she can jack the truck up again and set me free. Go! Go on!! Go . . . get . . . Kate . . . next . . . door!” He wagged his tail and ran in tight circles. “No, you doofus. Go. . . get . . . Kate. . . next. . .door!” Rex sat down next to me, panting and wagging his tail. Perhaps the length of the instruction confused him. I reformatted the communication. “Del and Estelle. Go. . . get. . .them.” He seemed to have grasped that and took off down the street toward Del and Estelle’s house. I waited. And waited. And waited. The arm had begun to swell. My back hurt from being hunched over and worst, you guessed it, the pot of coffee I had for breakfast began to urgently seek liberation. Rex could have made it to Santa Barbara and back by now, I felt. I could no longer retain the coffee. I broad daylight, in my own driveway, I released from my humiliated body a small pond of pee pee. I heard dog nails scampering up the sidewalk. I would regretfully inform Del and Estelle of my

bladder malfunction, but at least they could get me out of this jam. Rex raced around the corner and up the driveway. Alone. Kind of alone. He had a fluorescent green tennis ball in his mouth. “No Rex! Not Del’s tennis ball . . . DEL!!!” He spit the ball out at me with a big patooey and sat down. The ball bounced under the truck. Rex investigated the puddle of my pee, and, interpreting that as an invitation raised a rear leg against my trapped arm. He hosed me good as two Girl Scouts rounded the sidewalk and raced up my driveway.

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After they were finally able to control their raucous laughter, and me buying every single box of cookies they had, I was a free man. Rex did not get a whole chicken thigh, a cheese burger, the entire hind quarters of a wildebeest nor a water buffalo for dinner. He got fluorescent green tennis ball soup.

Rex (and Tom) can be reached at tomburns100@yahoo.com

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By Ted Gargiulo

The Quotation Quiz of Questionable Quality by Quarlen Qurossman 1. “Ever notice that ‘what the hell’ is always the right decision?” A. Plato B. Marilyn Monroe 2. “It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” A. Sam Levinson B. Marie Antoinette 3. “Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.” A. Sir Walter Raleigh B. William Safire 4. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?” A. Steven Wright B. Ferdinand Magellan 5. “The secret of managing is to keep the folks who hate you away from the ones who haven’t made up their minds yet.” A. Casey Stengel B. Lady Godiva 6. “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.” A. Dr. Frankenstein B. Theodore Roosevelt 7. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” A. Mae West B. Pope Benedict XVI 8. “In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had 500 years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.” A. Rene Descartes B. Orson Welles Answers (all true):  1-B   2-A   3-B   4-A  5 -A   6-B  7-A  8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8- Bulimic 5-6- Hypnotized  3-4- Clumsym 1-2- Delusional 0- Friendly Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald every Sunday, and at quotationquotient.com.

If

there’s anything more demeaning than attending public school, it’s being kicked out. That really brings a guy down. And it keeps him down. The mud of failure never washes away; it clings to him and follows him wherever he goes. All that happy horse poop about, “It’s never too late to make a new start,” — don’t believe it. Take it from me: once the door bangs shut, no one ever opens it for you again. Do you suppose for one minute that my mother encouraged me to finish my education, or even suggested that such a thing was possible? Hell no! Once Hancock washed its hands of me, she made me go out and find work so she could wash her hands of me as well. That’s when it hit me: even if I had graduated, I wasn’t ready for a career. “Find something to do,” she said. “Doesn’t matter what. Something, anything. Either pitch in, or ship out. I can’t carry you forever.” And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since: finding something to do. And settling for whatever pisspoor wages an unskilled, ill equipped worker can make.  You’d think an employer would give me a break, once he saw I was making the best of a bad situation, especially if I was willing to settle for something beneath my dignity. You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Not so! No one cuts a dropout any slack. Didn’t matter where I applied for work; there were always issues. Why didn’t you finish school? “Because I saw no reason to waste time preparing for college and law school when I’d rather operate a freight elevator for the rest of my life.” Are you sure you can handle this job? “Yes, Sir! Absolutely,

Sir! I’m a quick study. I want to know all there is to know about going up and going down. Sir!” Why did you choose our company? “I share your vision of vertical mobility. I like your retirement package.” Do you really think you can take full charge of an office? “Full charge??? Uh ... I thought F/C meant folding cartons.” How do we know you’re serious about working here? “Because I gave up Shakespeare and the social sciences so I could meet and greet people.”

“No one cuts a dropout any slack.” When can you start? “Hmm, let me see ... If I cancel my luncheon date with the Pope, I could probably begin ... hmm ... right now. Sir!” Once I got my foot in the door, another set of issues invariably ushered me out the door. Issues concerning my attendance, my punctuality. Issues about the quality of my work. Issues about the way I got along with my supervisors and co-workers. And about my frickin’ attitude … as if! More than once I skipped out on my lunch break and never came back. “Why did you leave your last employer?” soon became the most dreaded question on every job application. Agents and personnel officers demanded to know the reason I never stayed in one place more than a few months. Kept bugging me about references. Unfortunately, notes from home (forged or otherwise) didn’t cut it in the workplace. Interviews felt more like interrogations. Damned, if it wasn’t like being in public school all over again!


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Feburary 2014

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What’s Up Doc? A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.” The blonde says, “That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.”

Tan for Two One day two blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, “A tan for two please!” The cashier said, “Ok,” filled out a form for them and asked, “Are you two sisters?” They chuckled and replied, “No, we aren’t even Catholic.”

Across the Pond A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?” The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute.” The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.

Zooom What are the two blondes on the motorcycle arguing about? Who gets the window seat.

Treee-riffic A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?” “Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped. “Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was

driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ....” “Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

What’s Up Once there were three people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, “little girl, little girl, why are you crying?” and the little girl said, “an apple came down and killed my new kitty.” Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, “little boy, little boy, why are you crying?” and the little boy said, “a lemon came down and killed my new puppy.” Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “why are you laughing so hard?” and the blonde said, “I passed gas and the building behind me blew up!!”

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February 7

Every Friday & Saturday In February

Winter Olympics

Planet Gemini

Locals Nick Cunningham & Brita Sigourney Compete for Team USA in Sochi, Russia www.olympic.org

Monterey’s #1 comedy and dance nightspot. The Lane brothers Feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com

February 7 February 6

Larry Wilde

Happy 86th Birthday www.larrywilde.com February 6

Zappa does Zappa

February 2

Groundhog Day

A groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil predicts the arrival of spring at Gobbler’s Knob Are you listening Jim and Norm? www.groundhog.org February 3-9

AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am

In 1937, Bing Crosby invited a group of friends to get together for some golf, a clambake and, most importantly, to raise a little money for the local charities…the rest is history. www.attpbgolf.com

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame called Frank Zappa “rock and roll’s sharpest mind.” His son Dweezil is touring in honor of the 40th Anniversary of Roxy & Everywhere. Either you get Zappa or you don’t. We get Zappa. www.sunsetcenter.org

9th Annual Wine and Chocolate Tasting

February 23

Steinbeck’s Birthday Celebration

The National Steinbeck Center hosts a Community Free Day. John was born in Salinas and attended Salinas H.S. He won the Nobel Prize for Literature, Pulitzer Prize for Fiction and the National Book Award. www.steinbeck.org

Local wine and lots of chocolate. live music, chocolate, more wine, silent auction Event benefits the Friends of the Monterey Public Library www.monterey.org/ library February 7

Salinas Valley ComicCon

Cartoonists, animation, discussion panels and a full size replica of the Time Machine DeLorean from Back to the Future www.steinbeck.org February 14

St. Valentine’s Day

Roses are red Violets are blue If I don’t so something to show my love today, I’m sure to lose you.

February 28

Artist Reception for Monterey

Now: David Ligare One of California’s most preeminent contemporary realist painters.He describes himself as a neo-classic artist. The exhibition centers on large-scale panoramic work depicting three of Monterey’s geographical highlights: its major river, mountain, and the ocean. These new works were created especially for this exhibition. www.montereyart.org


Feburary 2014

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Foolish Times February 2014