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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.............................Karen S. Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Stefan Chapman, Roger Freed, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Zachary Michael Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks One more drop of rain and I’m going to scream! Rain may help crops grow in the Salinas Valley but it also makes cabs disappear in Monterey. I really shouldn’t complain about the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, most people couldn’t start a conversation. All the same, let’s hope for sunshine and warmer weather. Thanks to our friend Larry Wilde, it’s National Humor Month. He was successful in getting our federal legislators to recognize how important humor is to all of us. Thanks Larry. Closer to home, a huge shout out to all our contributors who have graced these pages with their wit and humor. It’s not easy to sit down and write when every inch of your body is shaking with laughter. There are times I look like I’m having a seizure trying to get the words typed out before I forget the funny thoughts traveling through my pea sized brain. Once it’s gone through, another one is there to take its place.
What have you been doing for the last ten years? If your name is Rosie Sorenson, you were writing for Foolish Times. Rosie has had an interesting life and spins it in humorous writing for all of you to enjoy. Besides being a cat lover, she is an award winning author whose essay, “Doing it Wrong Til you Get It Right” was chosen for inclusion in the new book, The Magic of Memoir: Inspiration for the Writer’s Journey. Congratulations from all of us fools. You can read more about this on page 10. You can also find all of her stories she wrote for FT on our website. Heck, you can read most all of our contributor’s stories in past issues on our website. While you’re at it, like us on Facebook and if you see any of us out and about, tell us a funny story. If you don’t know by now, we like funny!
Stevie P. / firstname.lastname@example.org
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
KNOCK OFF it
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? No-one. No-one who? (Remain silent)
Knock knock. Who’s there? An extraterrestrial. Extraterrestrial who? What – how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Yoda lady. Yoda lady who? Good job yodeling! Knock knock.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Beats. Beats who? Beats me.
Knock, Knock. Who’s there? Leaf! Leaf who? Leaf the house, you’re not the owner anymore!
Knock knock. Who’s there? The interrupting cow. Interrupting cow whMoooooo! Knock knock. Who’s there? The door. Knock knock. Who’s there? Double. Double who? W!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you. Knock knock. Who’s there? The interrupting doctor. The interr… You’ve got cancer.
How do you know the Easter Bunny is really smart? Because he’s an egghead.
www.foolishtimes.net Knock knock. Who’s there? Urine. Urine who? Urine trouble if you don’t open the door. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who? No you idiot, cows go mooo! Why did Lisa fall of the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure. Knock knock. Who’s there? Grandpa. Oh my gosh! Somebody open the coffin quick!!! Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop.
Smell mop who? Um, no thanks. Knock knock. Who’s there? Rupert Pippslebum. Rupert Pippslebum who? And exactly how many Rupert Pippslebums do you know? Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Pavlov. He’d have rung the bell. Knock, knock Who’s there? Kanga Kanga who? Actually, it’s kangaroo! Knock knock. Who’s there? Art. Art who? R2-D2, moron.
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. Lunch buffet daily. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
May You Rest
By Rosie Sorenson Just because I’m sitting at my desk with a far-away look in my eyes doesn’t mean I’m goofing off. On the contrary, what I am actually doing is performing an offline transfer of information from my hippocampus to my neocortex. So there. We can thank some researchers at New York University for this lovely excuse, er, piece of information. A study published in Neuron reported on the findings of Lila Davachi, assistant professor of psychology and Arielle Tambini, a doctoral candidate at NYU. They discovered that in order for their research subjects to strengthen their memories, it was best if they engaged in “active rest” shortly after learning something new instead of rushing on to a new task. So in case you have been feeling guilty for undertasking, you can now scoff at your overloaded multi-tasking brethren who surely don’t remember half of what they have been trying to stuff into their neocortexes because they’re not taking sufficient rest breaks. Come to think of it, isn’t that what cats have been trying to
teach us for millennia? New mouse in the house? Attack it with all your might, then―REST! Let that new learning soak in so you have it at the ready for the next mouse assault. Finally got that door lever to work so you can let yourself outside? Rest again. Don’t want to forget that tricky little maneuver. Just discovered that a low belly crawl accompanied by your best baritone growl results in Figaro, your nemesis cat, leaving the neighborhood? OMG! Must rest now.
What comes naturally to felines might well be applied to Congress. Just read that 15-pound health care bill.
observed and imitated our feline friends. Studied two hours for that tricky exam? Time to cuddle up with your favorite chew toy and rest, so as to allow that knowledge to make its way up the information superhighway from your hippocampus to your neocortex. Just finished reviewing your tax returns in preparation for an IRS audit? Rest. Actively. Just went out on a blind date with a guy from Mars? You know what you must do―rest, big time. What comes naturally to felines might well be applied to Congress. Just read that 15-pound health care bill. Rest, for goodness sake, before you cast your vote. We need you to have all your hippocampus/
neocortex cells firing at the same time in order to make sense of that one. Want to bomb the heck out of another Middle Eastern country because of the latest intelligence document you read today? Please. Rest. Now! Have you just reviewed some banking industry report that recommends more de-regulation? How many times do we have to tell you? Rest, rest and more rest. Sd oiqe opern z./.cubv al;llk wkerj alew kjrj ray asd o8duf ;ljl df dfa al slkd fqu eorje lejsas df woe ru aljfl kas jdfla sdf… Oops, sorry about that. It’s just that I worked so hard this afternoon to learn all the ins-andouts of the proposed replacements for the Affordable Care Act that my hippocampus and my neocortex started smokin’. Must. Rest. Now.
Every Mom’s Mac and Cheese
Just completed a wild leap onto your Daddy’s chest this morning so he would wake up and feed you? Well, Dude, of course you must rest. We’d all be better off if we
Ingredients • 1 1/2 cups whole milk • 2 cups grated cheddar cheese • 1 cup Swiss cheese • 7 oz cooked macaroni • ½ onion, chopped
• 4 Tbs butter • 2 Tbs flour • 2 Tbs bread crumbs • ½ Tsp dry mustard
Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!
1. Melt butter in large pan 2. Add onion, flour and dry mustard stir until smooth 3. Add milk and cheese stir until bubbly 4. Place cooked macaroni in oven safe bowl 5. Pour cheese mixture over macaroni 6. Sprinkle bread crumbs and extra cheese on top 7. Bake uncovered until golden at 350 degrees
Comments Welcome: email@example.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram It’s a 3 ring-o-ding circus in your head! Ramming into the wall can make inspiration fatal. There are wiser avenues, even boulevards that may assist in curbing your debunking appetites. From this angle you look crazy. But it is Keeping America beautiful month, so peel your brains away from that tawdry surface and plant new seeds. Grow Daffodils, Daisies or Dalias, deadheading may be necessary. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Cirque du ‘Ole! Them that’s got, shall get, them that’s not better not forget where to get it. If you strike when the bullish iron is hot, you will win all that is intended. Your smile is your trapeze, swing on it. Watch for any pile of BS hurtling toward you like a clump of dung from an effervescent sky tent. If this should occur focus on making it look sexy. The show must go on! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Bring in the Clowns...or cry all day and night. Loving yourself now is essential, because what you did was purely trashy trash. You could view it as cutting edge, or a dud in the mud flats of your forever juggling mind. The trick is to admit you were stupid at first and clever afterwards. Up the Hula Hoop! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Contortionist Fool! Peanuts, popcorn, cotton candy, and confetti! A pandemonium of delights indeed. Balancing your
blood sugar between reverence and irreverence is a tightrope of genius. Keep your socks up otherwise you get the sawdust treatment. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Such a cold....finger! The Ringmaster is a real bastard. You showed him and took his head on. You are the cat’s meow. Apparently we are down to the fire eater, the strong man and all the animal acts - poof! You were famished, I get that, but your audience is raving for more. Consider approaching this new solo act with a Midas touch. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Releasing the inner battle can take some edgey measures. Throw! Throw all the litter out of your car window and make sure it lands on the Lilies! Go ahead, see if you can. Let it sit for a bit. Go back, pick up all that you littered and make a list of all the reasons you had this Sh*t in the first place. C’mon sweet potato pie, it’s not as tough as sword swallowing! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Circus Maximus! Fellini’s parents were Romeo & Juliet. Look at what great stuff they created out of their romantic convictions. Whatever you’ve have done this time, whatever enormous vacillation you’ve created in a clear calm sea, see what the good in it is and focus on that! Find your sanctuary among the tulips, pick up any litter, and accept all life forms around you as worthy ones.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A freak show! Climbing the walls will get you as far as the ceiling. Where is your safety net? No doubt your prowess is sublime, but with ol’ baggage towing behind all your beetle juice is simply static-slime. Descending rapidly must be fraught with a vigilant toss. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Ying & Yang invite, the seams of the sky to unite, and seal a giant night of white into a perfect light. Are you flying through the air yet with the greatest of ease? Polarity is what constructs divinity. So when sorrow’s scope feels like a enema and you are made mute, it’s time to transmute. You can never be a loser on the BOZO show! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat April Fools! Ok, not everyone can take a joke. Is it Peter Pan? Hooves or no hooves you cannot get your pantaloons in a wadskie. When you stand alone you must stand tall among the midget minds. Is that PC your asking?
By Bini Are you? Perfection, wrong direction. Remember life is the high wire. Do what you can, Stan? Or find a new plan. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier OMG Liberation! Totally rad dude! Furling through the air under a giant hollow dome and glitter balls firing hot kisses. Whoa! Glitch! Grease paint on my palms!?! You’re in a Piccadilly now. Even when upside down is up, it’s all a matter of perspective. Dude this was not on the programme ~ Collaborate! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes It’s a wrap! April showers brings flowers and rain pools bring reflective accolade. Careful, your impressionability is always in need of temperance. Make-believe is your finest outlet but best not use your third-eye as a unicycle otherwise you’ll end up in a fish bowl. Flap your tail in the Blue Nile to entice a chat with Ptolemy regarding your next best move ~ Keep on with the flaxseed.
What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!
Mosquitoes The Mini-Me’s of Vampires by Roger Freed Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses. They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them. They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense. Their form combines all the elements of dark, loathsome things combined — a hunchback like he of Notre Dame fame, a physique like the super creepy alien in Alien I,II, III and IV and however more there are, spider like legs, a snout like a mastodon and the blood lust of a Dracula. As it is with most species, the human one especially, it is the female that causes all the trouble (Letter writing feminists: there is no need to form an angry rebuttal to this — it is all based upon pure scientific research, although admittedly, most of the scientists are males and chauvinistic piggies to boot. Plus I do not give out my email to anyone. Neener, neener, neener!) It is the female who bites. Males, being more hippie-like, are content to sip flower nectar to satisfy their lusts. In attacking we humans she does so by inserting not one but two tubes under the skin- one to inject saliva and the
other to draw out the blood. This is a double insult, not only does the bitch steal a snack, but she is SPITTING IN us as well! Even zombies don’t spit in your empty skull before eating your brains out, they at least have that much decency left!
Males, being more hippie-like, are content to sip flower nectar to satisfy their lusts. A lot is said about the numbers and voraciousness of mosquitoes in Alaska. Actually it isn’t that there are more mosquitoes necessarily, it’s just that there is a lesser density of humans for them to munch on there. Of course, there are a greater number of large, blood saturated mammals, such as bears and moose, for them to slurp on than in the lower 48. Unfortunately, we humans have killed off so many of our fellow mammals that the mosquitoes must make up for the loss in plasma revenues by dining more on those responsible for the shortage. In the lower 48 the percentage of the itch-stickers to
humans is around 56 per person whereas in Alaska it is around 56,000 per person. There are times when all 56,000 have the munchies at the same time and whole frontier towns have been known to be rabidly decimated. Now the biting widgets can detect the carbon dioxide which we breathe out from 75 feet away. If we could only learn to breathe in and not breathe out, there would be no problem. Well, no problem except for our asphyxiated bodies lying about all over the place. According to one study, a full moon can increase mosquito activity by 500 percent. Great, this means that not only are the damn things related to vampires, but to werewolves as well.
For all their trouble, mosquitoes themselves are often beset by adversaries. The bluntleafed bay orchid is so small that the only insect that can pollinate it is the mosquito. When taking a break from tormenting humans, a mosquito will often enter one of these flowers only to have the pollinia spring forward and attach the pollen to its head. The mosquito then exits the flower looking like she is coming from a drunken New Year’s Eve party wearing a yellow traffic cone on her head. Her vanity is further deflated when all the other mosquitoes cruelly call her ‘cone head’ behind her back. And it affects her social standing in the mosquito society. This frustration is then taken out on we poor schmucks by the incensed insect. When it comes to mosquitoes, they really bite.
Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009
“Why are you studying your Easter candy?” “I’m trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!”
Bonded • Insured • Green
Offering Bike valet
1. Why is the area where relief pitchers warm up called a bull pen? 2. What do you find funny that other people don’t? 3. What made you laugh today?
LaVonne Andrews 1. A bull pen is where guys talk bull. 2. My mistakes, I just laugh them off and say “oh well…” 3. First I laughed at these three questions, then I laughed at an old “cat’s meow!” It sounded really grumpy. Greg Mettler 1. Not sure… but when I was a kid, we played baseball in the cow pasture and used the cow patties as bases, so maybe it’s related. 2. Other people 3. When I tried to get my two year old out of bed this morning he told me to “go away, I’m still night night.” That made me laugh then say “sorry, get up!” Marge Jameson 1. Isn’t it BS they’re throwing back and forth? 2. Farting in public. Ask Dirrick Williams. Secretly, I think they do find it funny. 3. The president threatening Congress that if they did not pass his version of healthcare, ACA would stay. I tweeted back to NPR, “Brer Fox, whatever you do, please don’t throw me in that briar patch.” Susan Singer 1. Because while they are waiting to be called up, they sit around BSing. 2. Multi-lingual jokes like Q: what do the French call a really bad Thursday? A: A trajeudi … get it??? THAT’S FUNNY!!! 3. Believe it or not, only at my own jokes and stories the last few days. Dave Hopkins 1. Because the fans were herded like cattle, this area became known as the “bullpen”, a designation which was later transferred over to the relief pitchers who warmed up there. 2. I try to stay away from politics but – you must admit – it’s a riot- it’s like watching a Korean game show. 3. My cat accidentally followed me into the shower, half asleep. When I turned on the water he basically walked on walls…lol.
Why the Spring Season is the Worst • Spring is just crappy summer weather.
• The daylight savings time switch.
• Public places are packed with people.
• Time to start getting in shape.
• Where did all the bugs come from?
• You’re always stuck inside when it’s nice outside.
• Allergies will destroy you.
Writing a Memoir — A Memorable Experience
An Interview with Rosie Sorenson To mark the 10th anniversary of Rosie Sorenson’s contributions to the Foolish Times, we thought we’d spend some time talking with her about one of her latest writing successes. Her essay entitled: “Doing it Wrong Till You Get it Right” was chosen for inclusion in the new book, The Magic of Memoir: Inspiration for the Writer’s Journey, edited by two nationally recognized experts on memoir, Brooke Warner and Dr. Linda Joy Myers. FT: How did you come to write this piece? RS: I wanted to capture the ups and downs and the unpredictability of writing something as difficult as memoir. I almost didn’t tackle this piece because it seemed overwhelming, and besides, I didn’t feel confident about the draft of the memoir I’d just finished. Who was I to talk about a memoir that was not fully completed, let alone published? FT: But you stuck with it and wrote the essay anyway. RS: Yes. Over the past 20 years
of writing, I’ve found that if I can just craft the right first sentence, I know I’ll be able to finish the rest of the piece. For this essay, I was taking a nap when the opening lines delivered themselves to me: “Writing a memoir is like detasseling corn. You have to be strong and determined to work in a cornfield all day when the plants wave high above your head, and the sun burns your back and leaves a scar long after the blisters recede, and the stalks scrape your arms and legs until they bleed.” After that, it took about four weeks to guide it into something publishable. It takes a lot of perseverance and plain old cussedness to write and re-write and re-write and re-write. That’s where the gold is—in the rewriting.
For anyone contemplating writing a memoir, The Magic of Memoir is an excellent companion to the many useful how-to books on the market. It’s important to hear other writers talk about their struggles and how they overcame them. Also included in the book are interviews with bestselling memoirists: Mary Karr, Elizabeth Gilbert, Dani Shapiro, Margo Jefferson, Jessica Valenti, Azar Nafisi and others. FT: What’s your advice for wouldbe memoirists? RS: Keep in mind that while it may look easy, it’s not. You need to read dozens of memoirs to get
www.foolishtimes.net a feel for structure, theme and story arc. If you’re a beginning writer, put your butt in the chair and write and write and write. After you’ve found your writing groove, find a teacher and other writers who understand how to give constructive feedback. And, never, ever give up! Writing is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done —way more fun than my previous careers in psychotherapy and health care administration.
Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
FT: Were you surprised when it was chosen? RS: Yes and no. I liked it, and my writing tribe thought it was good, but publication is a crap shoot. At the very worst, I figured if it didn’t get chosen for this anthology I could re-purpose it for a writing magazine.
What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes “hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM”? The Easter Elephant. Answers on page 24
Fun with Super Foods
By Debbie Harris As the information about what healthy eating consists of has changed, I’ve been trying to incorporate what they call “super foods” into my diet, but it hasn’t been easy. I purchased my first kale from a fundraiser farmer’s market for a dollar and I made salad out of it. I think it took me 45 minutes of solid chewing to eat that salad. Apparently kale provides nutrition and exercise. When I had some kale leftover from a soup my daughter-in-law made (surprisingly, there was leftover kale!), I thought I’d try making kale chips. I consulted the Wizard of All, known as Google, and found that I could bake them at a high temperature with olive oil on them. I did so and made . . . a panful of kale ash. On prompting of said daughter-in-law, I bought Quinoa, an odd grain with an odd pronunciation. It’s not “Kwinoa” as an English speaking person would pronounce it or “Keenoa,” the way a Spanish speaking person would pronounce it. It’s “Keenwah,” probably named by the peoples of the Andean tribes who discovered it and used it as a dietary staple until we yuppified their nutritional secret. Quinoa consists of small, young, spiral grains that can be cooked like rice. Besides the unusual texture, quinoa is bland and has to be flavored. I tried it for breakfast with some brown sugar on it and it wasn’t bad. Of course, sugar can improve just about anything. A person I work with gave me some Swiss chard that I sautéed in olive oil with salt and pepper. Bleh! I tried to tell myself that it
was big spinach, but I was only able to eat it when I mixed it with another taste that I could focus on. Those of us raised on white bread and gravy sometimes need to disguise our nutrition.
Chia seeds must be the adhesive of the super foods. It would seem that I’m committed to increasing my healthy food intake because someone else at work gave me a gourd-like orangeish-yellow, bumpy-skinned vegetable that I peeled, gutted, cut up, sautéed (my standard way to prepare a new vegetable) and ate. It was pretty good, but it’s a little unnerving eating a food I don’t know anything about, except that it’s a vegetable. Vegetables are supposed to be good for you, right? Chia seeds must be the adhesive of the super foods. I purchased a small bag and sprinkled them on my salad. Once
the dressing was added, it was all over. The chia stuck to the side of the salad bowl, the fork, my lips, and had to be crow-barred out from between my teeth. I wonder if any actually got into my digestive system and if it’s still stuck there. No wonder people in the 70s made chia pets. They wanted a companion that would stick around for a while! I don’t know where couscous (coos-coos) falls on the health scale, but I tried some. It’s cooked like rice and has a mild pleasant flavor. It wasn’t badbad. If you want something sweet, you can try a ginger chew, a candy with ginger that calms the stomach and aids digestion. I enjoy them, but am now aware that at the point when I’m well into chewing the candy and savoring the sweetness and spice, a tiny jalapeño pepper effect jumps out to let me know that ginger isn’t just any spice. Hello. So the adventure to incorporate healthier food into my diet goes on. Bon appétit.
What do you call an American drawing? Yankee doodle! I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed” Did you have a big role? No just toast and marmalade! What key went to college? Yale! What is a volcano? A mountain with hiccups! What runs but never walks? Water! What is green, four legs and two trunks? Two seasick tourists! Who is in cowboy films and always broke? Skint Eastwood! Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn! What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order!
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit bill? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Why did the silly kid stand on his head? His feet were tired! How did the farmer fix his jeans? With a cabbage patch!
Rub-a-Dub-Dub, My Life in a Tub
by Robyn Justo “HOW COULD YOU LEAVE PARADISE!” the checker at Home Depot demanded to know. I felt my Charlie Brown straight-mouth coming on. I had no answer and it didn’t make sense. It defied logic. This is the incessant question that strangers have been asking me this past month when I tell them that I just moved to Carmel from Maui. I have to admit that I sometimes ask myself the same thing when the temps drop to 39’ from my comfy island 89’ and I have popsicle toes (and who knows what else froze). I never thought I would move back to California. I had shipped all my things over to paradise a few years earlier. Never say never.
My dear friend and mainlander Bobby had said something months prior to this seemingly illogical move and it might have been a trigger. “It’s like you are living on a space-station,” he said. Yikes. That is how I was feeling. Not lonely, but remote in a way, having fallen into a beautiful yet timeless vortex for three years. Maybe it was time for Rocket Girl to come home. No woman is an island, right? So in 11 short and very intense days I followed my heart from tiedye and sarongs to Gucci (not that I wear Gucci). I Ieft an ocean view, very private one bedroom ohana for a 300 square foot Carmel
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studio with high, ivy-covered walls outside that bring back past life memories of living in a convent, now in close proximity of other humans, sleeping in a small daybed in which my restlessness manifests in nocturnal, rotisserie rolls because there is no room to stretch out. I’m adjusting.
I found that my autonomic hand gestures were still intact as was my long forgotten, longshoreman profanity. I got rid of a ton of stuff before I left and packed the rest in plastic tubs. If I couldn’t lift it, it wasn’t coming with me. Simpler is better. Hopefully my tubs will arrive soon. I went from reggae to smooth jazz and being surrounded by unshaven and unshowered (but friendly) beings to squeaky clean and well-manicured, albeit a bit (ok a lot) distracted ones who didn’t make eye contact on the street. Donde esta la aloha? I do miss that part. I had become used to people letting me in on the street and waving to me afterwards. Now I need valium to negotiate the freeways which have 10 times more humans going 10 times faster since my departure 10 years ago. The other day a guy was riding so close behind me that I couldn’t see his headlights in my rearview mirror. I found that my autonomic hand gestures were still intact as was my
long forgotten, longshoreman profanity. It dusted off quite nicely. But there are lots of good things including the fact that I can walk everywhere here in the village, being surrounded by world-class restaurants (which works well since I have lost my penchant for cooking and only have a kitchenette combo of two burners and a small sink) and the best shopping if I ever want to add anything more to my tubs. My new property manager told me that he envied my lifestyle and the ability to just pack up and go, purging and simplifying along the way. I guess people see that as cool and maybe even courageous at this age. (I don’t swear in front of him so he thinks I am welladjusted.) It’s easier to keep a 300-square foot studio clean and it also keeps one quite mindful at the same time, so the questions “Do I need it?” and “Will it fit?” start replacing “Why did I leave paradise?” And the older I get, the less space I seem to need or want. Maybe I am a true Bohemian or perhaps intuitively know that it’s a good idea to shed our stuff before we finally shed this skin of ours and move around a little (or a lot). And let the wind beneath our wings guide us to new (or old) places before it blows out our flame for good. They say that it takes a village to raise a child and maybe an older gal and her spirits too. Carmel is also paradise, yes? It used to take me about 10 minutes to drive to the beach on Maui and now it takes me seven to walk there and I need the exercise from all the good eats. Maybe I have realized that the only home we really ever have is the one in our heart and that one is always mobile.
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Greeter of the Human Race ….continued
By Laura “LA” Sottile
ENCOUNTER, sympathies IF all Two-legged could see all other Two-legged humanoids as divine expressions of oneself, we would not need to argue. Obviously, not always an easy task to merge with those of us that have the audacity of a hershey squirt. I fear that if we don’t SEE each other life will become the proverbial Charmin roll, dispense, use, and then roll it back up freshly soiled so you are always dealing with the same crap. Don’t look away! This is who we are. I’m walking down Saint Marks Place in NYC, not that diverse from Alvarado St. in Monterey. The Two-legged are zipping towards their ever present
engagement with time. History seeps from the calloused cracks pairing with a collective psyche that has erected a market place selling dreams. We miss the point! It’s not the STUFF!I know I love my labor saving devices until a few weeks later they wear out! Stuff is just the costume covering our quivering flesh and bone. If we look away we won’t find part of ourselves in others. I know this can be a God Send when it has hints of burnt orange. I see this as an oasis half a foot above the metal fury. A pedestrian highway where our opportunity to smell each other, rub elbows, tell jokes, bump shoulders, meet eyes that sparkle, pretend to faint, bounce on tip toe, good-natured
A man went to the county jail to speak with the burglar who was captured while breaking in his house. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the guard on duty. “No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!” Tony & Sara are the owner and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor
shoving, loiter and display of affection can happen. When we get back behind the wheel we retain the sense of flesh and bone. We can then do away with signs that say, “CARS MAY NOT STOP” and “PEDESTRIANS DON’T WEAR ARMOR!”
I feel my skin has turned inside out. I am certain I am odd to look at, but I’m compelled to show up! Linking humanness now is more essential than ever. It infuses the whole for a bigger and better us. Engaging with these fast and furious New Yorkers is an art. Hello…Good morning…Ciao… Bonjour…Hola…Zdras-tvuy-te… Salaam. I never said it was easy. My scalp is prickling. A sure sign to take a break and shop! “Have you got those silky gloves with no fingers in the aqua color?” A blank stare and the pitchman disappears. Returns with the exact pair I have been searching for, for weeks. Our eyes meet as I pass a $20. “You’ve got eyes as big as a blow fish! Familiar pools of blue-green water so deep they I could splash inside them and cool my fiery soul! Would you mind if I stepped in to cool off?” Geez, I thought that could at least muster up a response. No response…I feel my skin has turned inside out. I am certain I am odd to look at but compelled to show up! I extend my hand to show my gratitude and create a bridge. “Hello my name is GHR, and you? Wait! Is that you Penny Arcay!”
Penny grins. You see how we are always watched over, looked after. I was so intrigued finding my gloves I did recognize Penny! “Oh great Penny Arcay how I worship you dear friend. I was having trouble sharing my dream in the Market place and I was starting to shrink… but have you finally gone mad enough to wear a disguise?” Penny says nothing but hands me my change. Every moment refreshes the next one if we are awake in it. We will need a surplus of compassion for those that really need to flush. For example, COSCO we could use a ginormous store called LUMINOSO to jump start our presently faint human sympathies. “Come on in and rebate your soul!” Or something like that. We have to include evil tyrants who have yellow shower fetishes. (They need us far more then they are willing to admit.) I recommend more fun with family and friends. Observe the pink coral surrounding an adorable otter floating with ethereal buoyancy. As foolish as it may seem, I ask you to take the fusion TEST. While walking down the sidewalk, boardwalk, promenade, don’t look at anyone, make no contact at all, and see how your chest feels at the end of the block. Then do the next block, this time smile, see eye to eye, nod your head, tap your hat, mumble hello, hug, you get the idea. Notice how you feel now. Let me know what you discover. This tiny pivot could whip plain white toast into deep rich chocolate add new nutty flavors into a sublime human dessert of being. In favor of a new universal flavor! Love GHR
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Mastery of Bicycle! “I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike, I want to ride it where I want,” the great Freddie Mercury said that. I for one like to second that leg motion conduction in conjunction with some percussion. I listen to Queen when I ride my fixie bike, is what I am trying to say here. I am fortunate to ride my bicycle for recreational and adrenaline seeking purposes at this tender age of mine, once upon a struggle time, it was my only mode of transportation. That and the bus. Which reminds me, it is not as “cool” when it is your only option. Today, biking is something I do to relax, blow off some steam even. The bike and I are connected. We break through the wind and victoriously conquer them hills. Everybody loves a winner, and I start with me. Bike riding is great for your selfesteem. Nevertheless, you cannot afford to daydream when riding a fixie bike or you will end up waking up in the Emergency Room, and you do not want to find out how much an ambulance ride costs. I will give you a hint: that arm you just broke. When riding, you have to scan the road ahead, look for bumps, obstacles and those cute couples that like to hold hands when going for a walk and hog the whole darn lane. Hey if you love them, let them walk on their own and do not block traffic, you beleaguering cow. Consequently, you speed up or slow down respectively, all while keeping control of your handlebars and managing to look cool as you pass pedestrians
and slower riders. I almost fell in a creek once; I did not lose my cool and kept a poker face while swerving away from the edge (although, internally I was the Grinch speeding downhill on his sled, yelling he was going to die). Thank you, Ray-Bans... What?! You have to protect your eyes from the dirt, sun and small bugs on the road. I happened to have a pair of wayfarers and I am not buying those silly bike sunglasses, I’ll leave that to Dog the bounty hunter and those guys who should not be wearing spandex. There should be restrictions when purchasing those, really.
Endorphins are kicking, your heart is pumping, and it is also good for your brain. Albert Einstein used to ride bikes. Point made! No, I do not drink a 40 while riding my bike; I do carry a backpack with healthy snacks and cold water. #ballin’onabudget Bike riding strengthens your arms, upper body and legs, not to mention your butt looks great, wearing space pants every day. Endorphins are kicking, your heart is pumping, and it is also good for your brain. Albert Einstein used to ride bikes. Point made! Now, I have met a few cynics and they claim that you could get hurt biking, well yes, you could, but you could also get hurt walking to the Taco shop. Working out helps exercise your
heart and lungs, we need them to live. It is easier to replace a knee than to replace a heart, but then again I am not a doctor. It is about harmonizing with the elements in our life. Take me for example, I love Mexican food, I eat a whole burrito and wash it down with a large horchata. When I bike, I bring balance to my body and soul; I smoke cigars, I drink red wine, I ride my fixie bike and I feel fine. Virtuously balancing vices, talk about multitask. Extremes are not healthy, even if you are trying to be extremely healthy!
“I’m too tired, and I do not have time” are just excuses; one does not have time for such affairs. Hard work and dedication will help us achieve our goals, perhaps you have to want it more. Not all of us can borrow a couple of million dollars to play real estate. More importantly, biking helps you get a nice natural tan, not a terrible orange complexion. Seriously, orange... you glad vitamin D is free? There are things money can’t buy, for anything else, there are terrible fake tans.
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? An Easter basket case!
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. I’ve farted at least 10 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!” The doctor says, “Take these pills and come back next week.” The next week the man returns. “Doctor,” he says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Happy Birthday to the Bard of Avon
April, the Month of Aphrodite
By Rex Keyes
Answers on pg 24
Shakespeare Stratford Anne Hathaway William Hamlet England Macbeth Comedy Errors Globe Romeo Juliet Tangled Web Sweet Sorrow Kingdom Horse Henry
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April is here and so is spring. “Spring has sprung.” Flowers are popping up everywhere and the deciduous trees are blossoming and putting out their leaves. Ah, this is the time of warmer weather, some April showers and Easter vacation. Ah yes, the only blemish in the month is April 15, income tax day. But, what the heck, if you filed for a refund then it is a good day. Oh, I did forget to mention it is also a bad month for those who have allergies but a great month for those companies that sell allergy pills. For surfers it is a good month because it is warm and there still are big waves coming across the ocean and hitting our shoreline. For school children they get a week off. And for most workers they get a pay raise. Did I say pay raise? April Fools!!! Don’t forget that day on April 1. One can have a lot of fun. So what has happened to Easter in modern times besides some people still attending church? Well there is Easter vacation when lots and lots of people travel to some place to have fun, there is the Easter egg hunt for kids to have fun, there is the Easter parade to have fun and then there is that big Easter dinner with dessert. In other words, no matter where you are in the world, people have fun at Easter time. It has turned into a celebration of fun. In April there is another day called “Arbor Day.” That is a day to plant a tree. The type of tree to plant is not a difficult decision. The best tree to plant is a fruit tree. That way later you can “harvest the fruits of your labor.” I did not forget “Earth Day” which is to celebrate Mother
Nature on this planet. The best way to celebrate Mother Nature is to get directly into the earth by taking a good old fashioned hot mud bath. What better way to cleanse the soul and the mind but unfortunately not the body. To cleanse the body take a shower afterwards and then hit the hot springs and you will still be directly in touch with Mother Nature. Sorry, I’m getting carried away. I’m thinking of Woodstock and Burning Man and a secret spot in Big Sur.
The best tree to plant is a fruit tree. That way later you can harvest the fruits of your labor. There is one more special day, not too well known, in April and that is called “Humorous Day” which is April 19. So I leave you with a few quotes from that day. “I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk five miles every day.” “I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.” “Of course women don’t work as hard as men — they get it right the first time.” “Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.” “They say we learn from our mistake — that’s why I’m making as many as possible. I’ll soon be a genius.”
I Want it All, and I Want it Fast-Casual by Zachary Michael Jack I admit it: I was a skeptic about the whole fast-casual dining “thing” on the Monterey Peninsula. First, like a true curmudgeon I objected to the food fad simply because it was new. Second, I was envious of the fast-cas entrepreneurs in places like Marina and Monterey, geniuses destined to grow decadently rich while I spent my peak earning years clipping coupons. Third, I objected in advance to any business premise founded on a paradox. I asked myself: Can something really be both fast and casual? Isn’t that a bit like the oxymoronic “healthy” deserts, “hands-free” texting and friends “with benefits?”
Mind you, I was a skeptic, too, about seedless grapes, plumcots, mandatory digital television and the friendly plastic playground equipment that replaced the torturous steel monkey bars that lent Boomers and Xers our “marks of character.” Grapes without seeds? TVs without rabbit ears? Bars without monkeys? Too new! Too easy! Too painless! In a phrase, too good to be true. And isn’t fast-casual just a euphemism for the get ’em in, get ’em out food-court assembly line we tend to eschew whilst at the mall or airport? “Fast” as in move ’em along ASAP, but for heaven’s sake be causal about it. A veteran of the Chipolte Wars, I’d battled Peninsula tourists in bitter campaigns for the one cramped seat remaining at the space-age chrome-swirl table nearest the men’s toilet. While the thought of a customized bowl prepared to my liking had me salivating, the long lines and scarce seating of what I call “The Burrito Years” in Monterey filled me with anxiety. Soon, I’d have to plan my fastcasual sorties with the same impeccable timing with which I planned my customer service calls. (“We are experiencing an unusually high demand. Please
How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? He does lots of hare-obics. What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one!
try your burrito at another time.”) But after Saffron and Poke Lab took Alvarado Street by storm in recent months, I realized if I can’t beat ’em I should probably join ’em. Lately, I’ve surprised even myself by just how fully I’ve jumped on the chuckwagon. I’ve decided I want it all, I want it fast-
And isn’t fast-casual just a euphemism for the get ’em in, get ’em out foodcourt assembly line we tend to eschew whilst at the mall or airport? cas, and I want it right fast now! Imagine the scintillating possibilities of fast-cas played out among the discerning residents of our fair Peninsula, a people once known worldwide for our fine tastes and tolerance for delayed gratification. Rather than pull off on the shoulder for my long hike out to Point Lobos to drink in the majestic sight of waving kelp forests and the barking seals, we would fast-cas it instead. Imagine the timesavings! We’d pull over on Highway 1 and order up, drive-in style, the precise list of natural wonders and customized nature we were craving. A moment later a helpful docent would arrive at our car door with a slippery wet strand, a sample of fresh elephant seal guano and a side of poison oak. “Hold the oak today,” we’d say in the self-satisfied way one does when the world is their oyster, “but double up on the cypress cones, please.”
While we’re remaking our parks with zip-lines and other customizable adventures sure to whet the appetite of visiting insatiates, why not remake Carmel? Rather than simply outlawing high heels, formal wear could be outlawed altogether; all who enter the Village in the Forest would have to come dressed in button downs and khakis, leaving casual onlookers to guess…are we here for a funeral, a weekend fling, a church service, a board meeting, or a quick eighteen holes (now there’s an oxymoron) at Pebble? “All of the above!” we would merrily reply when asked, bedecked in our fast casual clothing. “We’re here for it all…in a bowl or burrito!” Once Carmel-by-the-Sea and Pebble Beach have fallen before the fast-cas tsnumai why not ask our fine Peninsular colleges and universities to do likewise… offer a customizable menu of lowmaintenance, low-commitment, low-calorie intellectual sustenance under the catchphrase “Get a fast-casual education!” An orderonline customizable associates degree in a nine months…we’ve got that; an add-on Masters degree in fifteen with a side of chips and guac…we’ve got that too! Your education will happen so casually and quickly we’ll hardly know you were here, and you’ll be hungry for another degree by the time you’ve realized you’ve finished your first. You’ve been edified by our educational edibles and left nary an impression or carbon footprint. Out in Carmel Valley and Arroyo Seco, imagine what fast casual could do for the fussy, fusty process of tasting oak-aged estate wines. Who has time to stick around to see if the finish to a cabernet is juicy, sharp, balsamic, austere, peppery, lean, edgy, lively, or Poke. Who has time to finish at all?
THE ANSWER IS…the arts!
Studio Space Co-op Helps Local Artists
An eclectic gathering of artists has found shelter in a cozy secondfloor suite situated only steps from a Pacific Grove shoreline with million-dollar views. It’s a happy location that inspires jealousy, but the rent is astoundingly affordable and the space is readily accessible. The studio space, called ArtWorks at Pacific Grove, celebrated its grand opening on March 10 in the American Tin Cannery Outlets, the iconic retail center catty corner from the Monterey Bay Aquarium. During the official opening, the 16 artists who now occupy the 8,000 square-foot co-op studio proudly showed their work, and each of them expressed elation that they can now work and sell their art from an affordable space with built-in creative synergy. The artists at ArtWorks who occupy the space range from a cross-stitch specialist to several photographers to a renowned fine-art abstract expressionist from Uruguay who finds himself in Monterey County temporarily while his wife is enrolled at
the Middlebury Institute of International Studies in Monterey. Mauricio Paz Viola, a Chilean, said that while other artists may be inspired by the stunning beauty of the Monterey Peninsula, on full display across the street from the Tin Cannery, his inspiration comes directly from his own wild imagination. Still, he said he is grateful for the studio space and the reasonable rent. Photographer Darren Lovecchio said he is also thrilled to have his own “storefront” space. A former fireman, Lovecchio specializes in scenics and portrait work, using space in the Tin Cannery as a walk-in studio for customers, with a controlled environment for his children and infant portraits. Establishment of the instant artist colony springs from a meeting that Arts Council officials held last year with area artists. When asked what the Arts Council could do to help the arts community, the artists cited a desperate need for affordable work studios from where they can market their work. Paulette Lynch, the arts council executive director, and Deputy Director Jacquie Lynch spent days scoping out the empty spaces at
the Tin Cannery and eventually learned that the emporium’s management was amenable to make space available. The Tin Cannery has struggled over the years to fill its cavernous building since Ardan’s, the catalogue store that anchored the retail building, shut down in 1986. The Arts Council arranged a lease with Tin Cannery for 8,000 square feet in an upstairs loft, then put out a call for artists to rent sections of the space at a paltry 50 cents per square foot. This is in a community where retail and commercial rents can fetch $25 per square foot. With support from the Monterey County Board of Supervisors/Monterey County Office of Economic Development Department, the Arts Council provides a wide range of grants, training, consulting and arts education services throughout the county. The idea was to allow artists to use the section of empty upstairs space until the building is razed to make way for a planned luxury resort hotel. But the hotel project has apparently been shelved. Lynch said the available studio
spaces were scooped up quickly, and the Arts Council already has a waiting list for others seeking studio spots in the Pacific Grove location. ArtWorks also includes a 500-square-foot classroom where art classes can be taught, and a 500-square-foot gallery from where artists can sell their work. The gallery is open to the public from noon to 4pm on Saturdays and Sundays, and ArtWorks tenants will staff the gallery on a rotating schedule. In addition to having affordable space available, the artists say the collaborations they make with other creative neighbors at their Tin Cannery site have been an unexpected benefit. Arts Council officials say they hope to expand the ArtWorks concept into other Monterey County communities, including Seaside and Salinas. For additional information contact arts4mc.org.
How do bunnies stay healthy? Eggercise.
Fools to the Slaughter
By Ted Gargiulo Remember the days before the Internet, before computers and electronic devices brought meaning to our shallow little lives, when folks undertook no more than one chore at a time? Take driving a car, for example. Time was when just navigating from point A to point B without running over a dog, or plummeting down a ravine, was challenging enough and required no enhancement. If there were fewer imbeciles on the road back then, maybe it was because motorists were less distracted than they are today. They gave operating a car their undivided attention (those who weren’t intoxicated), and saw
that task to completion before attempting another. Moreover, if kids seemed better behaved, it might have been that their parents weren’t juggling so many activities at once that they hadn’t time to give them the attention and upbringing they deserved.
Nothing like a healthy fear of annihilation to keep drivers focused. Ah, but then came the mobile communicator: the greatest saboteur of human judgment since booze. Think about it. Other
than Broderick Crawford on that 50s TV show, “Highway Patrol,” talking on a phone was something people of my parents’ generation simply didn’t do in their cars. And the idea of typing messages to one’s friends and associates while operating a potentially dangerous machine? Patently insane! Nothing like a healthy fear of annihilation to keep drivers focused. So, when the hell did everyone suddenly have so much to say to one another, so much business to transact at any given moment, that they couldn’t wait till they got home or reached the office to send and receive messages? Used to be, people took to the road to get away from that stuff. Now they haul some freaking “smart” device around with them everywhere they go so they won’t miss anything. Little by little, distraction and self-indulgence have been elevated to a religious experience! Not only do drivers talk and text, they surf the Web, download maps, check the weather, play Pokémon Go, record videos and post their mugs on social media—anything to engage their minds and make their travel
www.foolishtimes.net experience tolerable and more productive. A lack the heavy day when the sacred mission of piloting a vehicle—of focusing on the road as though one’s life (and the lives of others) actually depended on it— had devolved to such a demeaning waste of time, such a colossal BORE, that drivers would rather die than be disciplined. Ever think a time would come when safety, basic good sense and a respect for human life (including one’s own) had to be legislated? Like, you’ve gotta TELL motorists not to get behind the wheel when they’re hammered? COMPEL them to use seat belts? Practically BEG cyclists to wear protective headgear? I don’t get it. Recent statistics reveal that some 3000 people perish in wrecks every year due to distracted driving. That texting while driving is six times more dangerous than driving drunk. Personally, I would no more distract myself while driving than stick my genitals in a wall socket. Yet, today’s multi-taskers are fearless, bereft of reason, undeterred by logic, unfazed by statistics, oblivious to warnings, indifferent to laws, indifferent to penalties, and chillingly adept at convincing themselves that they’re in control. If these cattle refuse to wise up, then I say let’s fatten them up! Because the day of their slaughter is at hand!
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STACY TALKS TO COMICS Meet Tim Bedore
Why is comedy important?
What makes you laugh?
Why is breathing important? Laughter sustains us, like music or pretty things on the wall. Laughing is a reaction, hard wired in to the system. Laughing requires little thinking, sometimes none at all. Like fat, salt and sugar comedy goes right to the pleasure spots of the brain. Comedy is a language, a means of expression, it’s the seven musical notes or alphabet or periodic table, the basic building blocks for many artists to connect with an audience. It is sometimes the only way you can get people to hear the truth. It is important because it makes your soul dance. I don’t do too many one liners. My act is more story telling / anecdotal. Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer... and build a barn around it. “I come from a big family... four moms, five dads.” But the “Once again this year I am giving up Lent for chocolate” line might come in handy.
Not much. And I don’t know why. It’s not that I don’t find things funny but things that I really find funny produce a smile and a head nod. A comedic reaction almost always requires surprise and once you know how they saw the woman in half... well, that’s magic, but the same principle applies— once you know how it’s done there is much less surprise. Occasionally I will find something really laugh out loud funny and my daughter thinks it’s Christmas, “Look Mom, Dad’s actually laughing.”
When did you first realize you were funny? The doctor who delivered me said when I came out I made a face at him and he laughed so I knew right away. But other than that I remember trying to be funny and getting laughs in third grade. That year when some friends wanted to do a class version of the Dick Van Dyke Show they had me write the script and play Buddy Sorel so by 3rd grade I was someone who made the humor.
A Few Words About Men
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How do you deal with hecklers? I don’t really. I tend not to get hecklers. Maybe my act doesn’t make anyone think talking up would make them look cool or would help the show or whatever hecklers think it is that they are doing. If someone yells something out I try not to attack or make a comeback out of it that makes more heckling but try to make it politely clear that the heckling thing is not going anywhere good. Years ago when someone would throw out a comment or heckle I’d point at them and say “This is what happens when you give your mind an enema,” and generally that ended it. Have you ever dunked a basketball? Yes, once when I was 17 and I have been trying for number two ever since.
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Why are blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Answers from page 10
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” The parishioner replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Answers from page 19
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
TINY HOUSES Aﬀordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment. Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
SCREENS Real Screens
Aﬀordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038
MUSIC DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
AUTO DETAIL HORTICULTURE SUPPLIES Mont. Bay Horticulture Supply Grow with us! We have the products and knowledge to Help your garden be the envy of the neighborhood. Indoor and outdoor growing specialists. 831.384.9376
We make your car look new. Waterless detail inside & out. At your oﬃce or home. By appt. 7 days a week. Holiday specials, ask us. 831.383.2993
By Chuck Shepherd
Trompe l’Oeil Jungle • A conservation biologist at Australia’s University of New South Wales said in July that his team was headed to Botswana to paint eyeballs on cows’ rear ends. It’s a solution to the problem of farmers who are now forced to kill endangered lions to keep them away from their cows. However, the researchers hypothesize, since lions hunt by stealth and tend to pass up kills if the prey spots them, painting on eyeballs might trick the lions to choose other prey. (For the same reason, woodcutters in India wear masks painted with faces—backward— for protection against tigers.)
Can’t Possibly Be True • A Government Program That Actually Works: A motorist in Regina, Saskatchewan, was issued a $175 traffic ticket on June 8 after he pulled over to ask if he could assist a homeless beggar on the sidewalk. According to the police report cited by CTV News, the “beggar” was actually a cop on stakeout looking for drivers not wearing seat belts (who would thus pay the city $175). Driver Dane Rusk said he had unbuckled his belt to lean over in the seat to give the “beggar” $3—and moments later, the cop’s partner stopped Rusk (thus earning Regina a total of $178!). • One of America’s major concerns, according to a U.S. congressman, should be the risk that if an apocalyptic event occurs
and we are forced to abandon Earth with only a few species to provide for humanity’s survival, NASA might unwisely populate the space “ark” with same-sex couples instead of procreative male-female pairs. This warning was conveyed during the U.S. House session on May 26 by Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert (who seemed not to be aware that gay males might contribute sperm to lesbians for speciescontinuation).
What Goes Around, Comes Around • In May, the Times of India reported the death of a man known only as Urjaram, in Rajasthan, India, when, while hosting a party, he forgot that while he was enjoying himself, he had left his camel in the sun all day (during a historic heat wave) with its legs tied together. When Urjaram finally went outside, the enraged camel “lifted him by the neck,” “threw him to the ground” and “chewed on his body,” severing his head. • The thief who ransacked a community greenhouse in County Durham, England, in July got away, but, according to residents, among his bounty was a bottle of rum that is usually offered only as a constipation remedy, in that it contained a heavy dose of the aggressive laxative “lactulose.” Said one resident, “Maybe (the thief has) left a trail” for the police.
Latest Rights • Air Force Col. Eugene Caughey is scheduled for court-martial in August in Colorado Springs, Colorado, charged with six counts of adultery (a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice) —which he alleges constitutes illegal discrimination because he is heterosexual. That is, only heterosexuals can have the “sexual intercourse” required for adultery since the UCMJ defines the term as between a man and a woman; same-sex pairs cannot have “sexual intercourse.” (Even if Caughey prevails on the discrimination issue, he faces other, more serious charges that may bring him life in prison.)
Leading Economic Indicators • Update: News of the Weird reported in 2007 and 2014 that, despite the abundant desert, Middle East developers were
buying plenty of beach sand from around the world (because the massive concrete construction in Dubai and Saudi Arabia, among other places, requires coarser sand than the desert grains tempered for centuries by sun and wind). The need has now grown such that London’s The Independent reported in June that black market gangs, some violent, are stealing beach sand — and that two dozen entire islands in Indonesia have virtually disappeared since 2005 because of sand-mining. • Farmers high in Nepal’s Himalayas are heavily dependent on harvesting a fungus which, when consumed by humans, supposedly produces effects similar to Viagra’s — but the region’s rising temperatures and diminished rainfall (thought to result from global climate change) threaten the output, according to a June New York Times dispatch. Wealthy Chinese men in Hong Kong and Shanghai may pay the equivalent of $50,000 a pound for the “caterpillar fungus,” and about a million Nepalese are involved in the industry, producing about 135 tons a year. (The fungus is from the head of ghost moth larvae living in soil at altitudes of more than 10,000 feet.)
People With Issues • Joshua Long, 26, was arrested in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, in June for possession of a suspectedstolen human brain (which he allegedly kept in a shopping bag under the porch at his aunt’s trailer home). Police believe that the brain had been a medical teaching aid, but that Long was lacing his marijuana with the brain’s embalming fluid. (Long and a former resident of the trailer home called the brain “Freddy.”) Copyright 2016 Chuck Shepherd, distributed by Universal UClick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
April is National Humor Month
Thanks to Larry Wilde, our federal government recognizes the value of laughter. Because you are reading this publication; so do you. Keep the funny flowing.
I Hate Hamlet
The laughs are nonstop as actor Andrew Rally wrestles with his conscience, the ghost of John Barrymore, his sword, and the impending nightmare of portraying Hamlet. www.steinbeck.org
Arts Education Summit
Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day
A shout out to folks in the art community to attend and participate in this themed day of “Equity, Access and Our Practice of Inclusivity.” www.arts4mc.org/summit
Work is not intended to be fun so why bother going? Besides needing the steady paycheck, try to make this a fun day without getting walked out at the end of the day.
Art in Food Pop-Up Dinner
Chef Hyson Epstein prepares five farm to table courses inspired by five modern artists. www.montereyart.org
National Beer Day
On this day in 1933, prohibition for beer was repealed. The night before called “New Beer’s Eve,” millions of Americans lined up waiting for the stroke of midnight.
Paint with Dali17
Uncork your creativity and release your inner Salvador Dali. Paint, canvas and brushes supplied. www.dali17.com
Nerdcore/lit-hop rapper comes home to talk about his music, his video game and journey to success and to give a performance! He has a BA from Stanford University, opened for Snoop Dog, jammed with Weird Al, toured overseas and been on the WARP Tour. www.monterey.org/library
Lower Presidio Historic Walking Tour
Tim Thomas, local historian and author guides you on a fantastic journey of our rich history at one of the most beautiful places in Monterey. oldmontereyfoundation.org
Bunnies laying eggs? Stranger things have happened. Happy Easter
P.B. Food & Wine
Over 100 chefs and 250 winemakers converge on Pebble Beach for a first-class celebration. www.pbfw.com
Earth Day Celebration Volunteer effort for restoration at Natividad Creek Park. This is a thriving and beautiful community park and healthy wildlife habitat. www.csumb.edu/ron
Legendary Rock & Roll Hall of famer with the Byrds, Buffalo Springfield and CSNY is touring to promote his recent solo album “Croz” and soon to be released “Sky Trails.” There will be no let down when he also reached back into his extensive catalog of greatest hits. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
Marine Labs Open House
This is your chance to explore their facility in Moss Landing. A free family friendly fun event. www.mlml.calstate.edu
Good Old Days
The ultimate street fair with over 250 vendors, a parade, live music, car show, carnival rides and great food take over downtown PG. www.pacificgrove.org
April 30 April 20-23
Sea Otter Classic
Non-stop action packed with cycling events for amateurs and pros with a family friendly festival vibe. www.seaotterclassic.com
Big Sur International Marathon
There is devastation in the Big Sur area from the Soberanes Fires and winter storms. Never the less, this race will go on as planned with its usual magical and unforgettable views. www.bsim.org
Laundry Logic Once upon a time a blonde was swimming in the river. A man went up to her and asked, “Why are you doing this?” The blonde said, “I’m washing my clothes. Is there
25 Cent Logic A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
a problem?” The man said, “Why don’t you try a washing machine? The blonde replied, “I feel dizzy in the washing machine!”
New Logic A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, “Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.” The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, “That’s horrible!” Confused, he replies, “Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.” After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, “How many is a Brazilian?”
Weight Loss Logic A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two
What do you call a mischievous egg? A practical yolker.
weeks and you’ll lose at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, “That’s amazing! Did you follow my diet?” The blonde nods. “I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!”
Gambling Logic Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.” With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!” As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, “Yes! Yes! I won! I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?” The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”
Baby Logic A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!” The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?” She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”
VIRGINIA LOCKWOOD MEACHUM
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Business (831) 384-6565 Cell (831) 224-3044 Fax (831) 384-4224 firstname.lastname@example.org MARINA BEACH REAL ESTATE 222 Reservation Road Marina, CA 93933 www.MarinaBeachRealEstate.net
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