Foolish Times January 2014

January 2014

20 14

ThAn Ks ObA mA c A rE !

CHA MPIONS of th e

Even a

Doctor Needs a

Tickets

Check Up

on SALE NOW!

JOIN US

Pulitzer Prize Winning Author Lifetime Achievement

2014 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE

Saturday, January 18, 2014 Portola Hotel and Spa

Additional Honors: Will Bullas – Luminary Armando Sarabia – Volunteer Kim Solano – Philanthropist YOSAL – Nonprofit Carol Lenters – Educator Jayson Fann - Professional

LET US HELP YOU

Billing • Coding • Reimbursement No need to change your EMR! Appeals • Collections Strategic Market Planning Train to Retain Staff

Over 25 years of helping medical practices stay healthy A local female owned company

Complimentary Consultation for a check up on your practice

831.324.0441 www.ipsmonterey.com

T he Ar ts ar e the Answer!

For m o r e de ta ils, v isit w w w.a r ts4 m c .o r g

437 Figueroa St Suite 201 A Monterey

January 2014

What the (BLEEP) is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the socalled “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Advertisers:

For rate information, email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122 For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools:

Chucklehead .........................................Stevie P. Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q. Admin Fool...................................................Lisa C. Art Fool..................................................Allison W. Art Intern Fool.................................Morgan M. Resident Humorist......................Larry Wilde

The Chucklehead Speaks:

Editor's Note:

2013 was a worthy sparring partner. There were times when it played nice and the rewards were great.

Then there were times when it landed so many left jabs I begged for a right.

Welcome 2014! I made two New Year’s resolutions: The first is to learn to duck. The second is to be more like my four-year-old granddaughter who wakes up every morning with a smile and only finds reasons to go through her day happy and laughing. As I grow up, I want to be more like her!

So to you our loyal readers, thank you for inviting us into your lives to share the gift of humor. Let’s all find time to laugh out loud and be more like the kids we once were and still are.

STEVIE P.

Contributors:

Happy New Year! It’s the Year of the Horse. Get up, get going, get out of the gate at a gallop as we welcome in a year of new possibilities.

Now would be a good time to check out our prognosticator, our medium, our prophet of projection …

Bini. You can’t go wrong beginning your month with a look at her forecasts. It can’t hurt!

We have a new feature … Fool on the Curb (page 17). Ever felt the need to speak your mind to the Foolish Times’ readers? Now you can. Be on the lookout for our roving reporter, packing a notepad and camera, in the year ahead. If you look hard enough, and wait long enough, she just might find you.

As always, out longtime stable of writers and cartoonists moves into 2014 with us to keep you laughing – always a good thing - in the months ahead.

Thanks for reading!

SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net

Savings Galore Savings Galore Savings Galore

Like Us and More:

Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gargiulo,Debbie Harris, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chef Dorothy Maras-Ildiz,Quarlen Qurossman, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Tompsett, Chuck Scardina, Monty Truitt, Derrick Wood

Foolish Times P.O. Box 4046 • Monterey, CA 93942 Phone: 831.648.1038 www.foolishtimes.net

Like us on Facebook

Follow us on Tweeter

Check ourTimes website with your Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Timesout Website Foolish Times Twitter Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Website Foolish Times Twitter Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter QR enabled smart phone. You will find jokes, articles and savings.

Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com Sarah e-mail: sarahsdesign@gmail.com Cell: (831)Sarah 262-5326 Sarah Cell: (831)Sarah 262-5326 Cell: (831) 262-5326 Web & Site, Facebook twitter links Web Site, links Facebook twitter links Web&Site, Facebook & twitter

4

January 2014

Salty Senior Silliness STILL THINKING! Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.

He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So ... you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again.

Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

DON’T DRINK THE WATER A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."

The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.

Water, however, is a whole other issue."

MID-LIFE Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the big questions -- what is life, why am I here... how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

25 SIGNS YOU’VE GROWN UP Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 pm.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90 percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your three-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

5

BEER

DONUTS

ITALIAN

PUBS

Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take out, both draft & bottles 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net

Red’s Voted best donuts since before time!

An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444

La Dolce Vita “The Sweet Life” Charming date night or family gathering place Great wine list, indoor & patio seating 5th Ave between San Carlos & Dolores Carmel 831.624.3667 www.ladolcevitacarmel.com

Crown & Anchor Home of Basal! A classic British owned & operated pub. Late night menu 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net

CAFÉ

CHINESE

Del Monte Café Great breakfast & lunch Fresh handmade burgers to order 1642 Del Monte Ave, Seaside 831.394.7851 www.delmontecafeseaside.com

Jim’s Lots of food for so little money!

Voted one of the top 100 best Chinese restaurants in the county 1584 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.394.5117

KoKo’s Café Greek gyros, freshly made baklava Homemade gelatos, coffee bar 419 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.375.3777 www.kokosmonterey.com

Full Moon A local favorite, lunch specials Warm hospitality and perfect portions Mandarin cuisine at its best 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288

Monterey Crepe Co. Sweet & savory artisan crepes European street food at its best 321 Alvarado St & 601 Wave St 831.373.4646 831.375.4646 www.montereycrepecompany.com

Noodle Bar Inexpensive, not cheap!

New Vietnamese Boba drinks 1944 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.392.0210 215 Reservation Rd, Marina 831.384.6225 www.noodlebarfood.com

Trailside Café A local favorite.

Fish tacos, salads, benedicts Beer, local wine list, full coffee bar Ocean view, heated patio 550 Wave St, Monterey 831-649.8600 www.trailsidecafe.com

www.foolishtimes.net

ADVERTISE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.233.3122

Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975--This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce.

1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com

MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite!

Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Lopez Cantina Award-winning family recipes Authentic, fresh and delicious Can you say tequila!

635 Cass St, Monterey 831.324.4260 www.lopezrestaurantmonterey.com

WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers

Duffy’s Tavern The friendliest military watering hole in town Best burgers and coldest beer around All you can eat Spaghetti every Monday 282 High St, Monterey 831.644.9811

THAI Baan Thai Follow your nose to the smell of lemon grass - to this tucked away haven Locals rave about this place 1760 Fremont Blvd. Seaside 831.394.2996 www.baanthaiseaside.com D’Anna Thai Kitchen Say “hi” to Chef D’Anna as you walk by the open kitchen Cute converted cottage.

Formerly My Thai 210 Reindollar Ave Marina 831.883.9399 www.dannathaikitchen.com Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes - Not your father’s traditional Thai food although worth the trip to Oldtown 328 Main St Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223

6

January 2014

Taming Larry Wilde A CONVERSATION WITH JERRY SEINFELD Larry: is it possible for you to pinpoint exactly when you decided to go into professional comedy?

Seinfeld: I was about eight years old. I was sitting on my stoop with a friend of mine. We were having cookies and milk and we were talking and fooling around. I said something really funny and he laughed and spit the cookies and milk all over my face and hair and clothes. And I thought I would like to do this professionally. That moment of getting a laugh is when you know. Everybody has that in their life at some point or other, but when you feel that you can do that it is so powerful and addictive and fun. You just don’t want to do anything else.

Larry: You were an honor roll student at Queens College. How does a college education help you to become a good comedian?

Seinfeld: It does require a lot of discipline. Jokes are not easy to write and comedic thinking - if it is good - is very disciplined. There has got to be a very strong logic. That’s what tricks people into believing what you are saying is really of value and has some real point to

( maid )

( move )

it. And of course it just ends in some silly turn. But you have to have the ability to think clearly.

The most important thing to me was that I finished college, even though I didn’t really accomplish much besides that. But I did finish it. And that set up a pattern in my life of finishing things and seeing it through. In doing standup comedy you encounter resistance and it is good to have that pattern in your life to keep going.

Larry: You’ve described comedy as, “Human cartooning, art of making pictures and putting words to them. The better the picture, the bigger the laugh.” Could you give an example of the description?

Seinfeld: I do a thing about the candy at the movie theaters, and I say, “They have these huge candy boxes and giant popcorn and you see people walking and we look like ants carrying food a hundred times our body weight.” And I walk across the stage like I’m holding this giant boulder of chocolate. It’s this funny picture and when they see that we have fun with it.

Excerpted from our resident humorist’s book, “Great Comedians Talk About Comedy.”

New Client Discounts Complimentary Estimates Eco-Friendly Products Last Minute Appointments We Service Residential & Commercial Peninsula Cleaning & Moving Services Exceeding Expectations since 1997

lic# 1003275

Bonded • Insured • Family Owned & Operated

Don't Eat With Your Mouth Full

BY CHEF DOROTHY MARAS-ILDIZ WHAT YOU’LL BE EATING IN 2014….OR NOT. The January issues of Bon Appetit, Saveur, Food Arts, Food & Wine are all out on the newsstands and each and every one of those glossy, full color productions includes lists of variable lengths that are predicting what you’ll be eating in 2014, either in a restaurant or at home. I’d like to shove my opinions down your throat too, but instead I will just comment on the experts lists.

Most of the foodophile mags have eerily similar items on their lists…I find that odd, don’t you?

Do you think they all get together and decide what we should be dining on or are they all psychics?

Here are the items that most are agreeing upon.

1) It is the year of the chicken.

Isn’t every year, pretty much the year of the chicken? Fried, bbq’d, panko crusted, Marsala’d, Parmesan topped, swimming in soup? I wonder how long it took them to come up with that one?

Pretty much a no-lose bet.

2) Kale is still the green of choice. Well, yes it is very healthy and if you fry it up and liberally snow salt all over it, it is pretty tasty too. As I was standing in the check-out line at the grocery store I spied with my little eye, not a single cart containing this miracle vegetable.

3) Salmon, shrimp and scallops remain the three top selling items from the oceans on most menus.

Well, that is so sad, because there are so many other delicious fishes (nice rhyme) that unfortunately get harvested and sent away to our Asian neighbors to the East because they are willing to pay a whole lot more money for them.

4) Quinoa is the newer darling of the hip kids. Great stuff and it makes a wonderful substitute for rice, potatoes, polenta and the like. Unfortunately, now that everyone is loving it so much, the price has risen exponentially too.

5) Pasta is still adored in all shapes, sizes and colors.

What can I say? This stuff is still inexpensive, easy to prepare and versatile. Of course it is on the good list.

6) Pork Tenderloin is kicking it up a few notches. Again, no waste, lots of taste and utilitarian as hell. And…may I add, who can afford beef these days?

Even the piggy products are up there in the atmosphere where prices are concerned, but the beef prices have just elevated themselves out of most folk’s grocery baskets.

7) Lovin’ those little LambsMary had it right…having a lamb hang out with you is a really tasty idea. Forget all of that stuff you used to hear about it tastes gamey... blah, blah,blah. Learn to cook it correctly and you’ll become a convert.

8) OMGaaawwd- Brussels Sprouts are on the most popular list. The little mini cabbages have invaded almost every menu you pick up these days. Forget those slimy little blanched to death sprouts your mom used to try to make you eat. They are now fried up and/or served up with porky products like bacon, prosciutto and the like. What could be wrong with that? Bacon makes everything taste good….yes, even Brussels sprouts too.

Happy 2014! Enjoy whatever it is you’re eating and Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full!

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY

BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

Can you guess who said the following?

1. "America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks."

A. John Barrymore B. Genghis Khan 2. “They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.”

A. Tom Burns B. Garrison Keillor 3. "This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer."

A. Pocahontas B. Will Rogers 4. “You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.” A. Ravi Shankar B. Dennis Miller 5. “The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ Now she's got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’"

A. Thomas Edison B. Robin Williams 6. “Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!”

A. Golda Meir B. Angelina Jolie 7. “Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule - and both commonly succeed, and are right” A. H.L. Mencken B. Ludwig van Beethoven 8. “I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.”

A. Hunter S. Thompson B. John Glenn Answers (all true): 1-A, 2- B, 3-B, 4-B, 5-B, 6-A, 7-A, 8-A Scoring: (number correct) 7-8: Curmudgeon, 5-6: Puritanical, 3-4: Erudite, 1-2: Unkempt, 0: Charming Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.

www.foolishtimes.net

7

Grocery Bag Fervor

BY DEBBIE HARRIS

I recycle and reuse. I use the backs of old printed paper for scratch paper. I rinse out my cans and bottles and any plastic containers and recycle them. I donate used items to the Salvation Army, coordinate my errands to cut down on car trips, rinse the toothpaste out of my mouth from a cup rather than letting water run while I rinse, and I throw away very little food. I love the planet and tr y to keep my carbon footprint down to a minimum. But there is something about getting rid of plastic grocer y bags that I resist.

“Right now I'm in plastic bag hoarder mode.”

I know that I am resisting, because I carr y about eight reusable grocer y bags in the trunk of my car and I never remember they ’re there until I’m at the check-out stand ready to pay. I know that, subconsciously, I don’t want to remember them.

Right now I’m in plastic grocery bag hoarder mode. With Pacific Grove and Monterey ’s banishment of plastic grocer y bags and charging for paper bags and talk of doing that in Salinas, I’m on alert. I guard my bags closely and don’t even collect them for the recycle bin anymore. I’m stashing them for the barren times a head.

Without plastic grocer y bags, what will I line my wastebaskets with? What will dog walkers use after they ’ve

scooped the poop? What will people put wet swim suits in?

How will I give my neighbors apples after they ’ve burst forth from my trees? Do I give them a reusable bag and stand at the door waiting to get my bag back?

Plastic grocer y bags conform to the shape of the item, so they can be stuffed easily into backpacks or purses, and then they can expand when filled with more items, unlike the big, paper grocer y bags that can only be crunched, unforgivably into a smaller space, forever holding the scars of the experience.

Without free, plastic grocer y bags, you know what we’ll have to do—buy them. We can buy plastic liners for wastebaskets, and someone is already making plastic grocer y bags for the stores, so they ’ll just make a version that looks and functions like the ones we used to get for free. Only we’ll have to pay.

Maybe that’s what I resist.

Despite their getting thinner and more poorly made over the years ( Target has the best), I have come to love and rely on plastic grocer y bags. As a divorced, empty-nester, I don’t think I can take anymore loss!

I know I should be willing to comply, to flow with change, to do what’s best for the planet, but I don’t want to. I will resist!

You can change my PG&E meter, make me do my banking online, and coerce me into getting my television programs from a dish, but you won’t get my plastic grocery bags until you pr y them from my cold, dead hands!

8

January 2014

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times at editor@foolishtimes.net OH, TO BE SO QUICK! Smart Aleck Answers #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

“What are my choices?” John asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

Smart Aleck Answers #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

Smart Aleck Answers #4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they're dead.”

Smart Aleck Answers #3 The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I've been waiting for you all day,”' the officer said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

www.foolishtimes.net

Smart Aleck Answers #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck got wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally a police car came up.

The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

Smart Aleck Answer of the Year A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. “Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-mouthed student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “ What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “ Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.”

THIS IS THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! My Dear Husband: I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because

they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I did notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, “You look just like a boy!” Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my brother because I haven't eaten prawns for seven years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job and bought two tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

January 2014

9

BY BINI Comments Welcome: foolsholiday@live.com ARIES: MARCH 21 - APRIL 19 The jig is up Dude and Dude-ess! The strange hold that inner darkness has on you at times is just an overtaxed Ram. Even so, your very best pout will not spout the necessary salve.

This calls for a Rock Star rebound!

Shampoo the fleece; skewer the hors d’oeuvres onto the spiked studded jacket, and enjoy the New Years party!

Oops, the fuzz...hire a lawyer.

TAURUS: APRIL 20 - MAY 20 Stop sneaking out at night and hiding behind the dumpster to smoke.

This is why you have the crick in your neck... rock hard paranoia strikes deep in the heartland. Not to mention how it is affecting you as a Soprano. Not willing to suspend the achievements of a Kool Winston? Then the New Year whispers in your ear my dear, you are Dun-hill.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20 To and fro, every which way you go!

Between a rock and a hard place is normal for you GEM. Your Goombahs feel concern for your vacillation between despondency and euphoria.

Sustaining this varietal appetite will bring you waves of pendulous stares.

The New Year accolades you were hoping for may turn out to be blanks!

CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22 Are you dumb as a box of rocks? Of course, the hangover of the New Year will soon be over! Another week or two you will be fresh again. For future reference, you may want to beware of clinging to the one person who can only utter three words such as nibbles, rolling stone, and progress to Tequila.

LEO: JULY 23 - AUGUST 22 Your astonishing open personality has bestowed a free pass upon you! Crash-

www.foolishtimes.net

ing a New Year’s party and pretending to be a family member is superlative.

Strangers ready to adopt you as one of their own. Your pride may be bruised when they throw you out into the cold.

Do not let this squelch your wholehearted enthusiasm. Continue to be true to yourself. Remember Rock n’ Roll has two faces too, Chuck and Berry.

VIRGO: AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22 Your finely tuned nervous system is unrivaled, (exception Pisces), at assimilating knowledge and turning it into practical use. Take your Rock Solid bad habits, throw in some self-analysis, and pick the one you like the best, for the rest of the year indulge without concern.

LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23 - OCT. 22

a Vanilla Lifesaver, pale, and stuck to their Barcalounger. The only dissolve is to lick yourself free. Even Rover is eyeing you to move over. Time to Rock the boat!

yourself to be magnificent by giving the people what they want. If they want frosted nuts, give them frosted nuts. Then go back to being aloof.

You rock!

CAPRICORN: DEC. 22 - JANUARY 19

PISCES: FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20

Gloating neatly like a tote, on a rocky outcrop you Birthday Goat! So much, you devote, to your strong constitution and self-sufficiency. In the nouveau year, do not let your moody broody side quench your wit, and also lend your strong shoulder to lean on and maybe even a tit.

You believe that anything worth doing is worth overdoing. As in Sex, Drugs, and Rock n’ Roll, it is more like peels, dregs, and wet dance poles, temperance PI! All those hours strutting upon the stage, your sensitive feet need only to bend to the babbling bubbles. Slip into a silky spa and repeat adieu to all your corns, bunions, and foot rot. Lay it on thick this New Year PI, no light moisturizer here! You are budding pro.

AQUARIUS: JAN 23 - FEBRUARY 18 Third Eye from the sum of two, you have three. Your unusual and mystical knowledge is abundant. Allow

Cold feet and cold hands this winter will make you wretchedly unhappy.

First, set aside the pet rock that only warms the cockles of your heart. Then take the plunger to make sure Santa has evacuated the chimney, this will help with your poor circulation. Light a fire, put socks on feet, wear mittens, and crap, if that doesn’t raise the thermostat...

SCORPIO: OCT. 23 - NOVEMBER 21 Too inebriated to talk? You can rock the world with your sex fund. Recall your stinger is made up of six segments and moves swiftly backwards and forwards and will get the message across. In the New Year, you may look to other forms of communication. A new move in the art of baton twirling called the thumb toss perhaps. Careful no mishaps.

SAGITTARIUS: NOV. 22 - DEC. 21 Locomotion and volition...sound familiar. Your natural way is to keep moving! Your in-laws are hoping you will skedaddle with that paddle they gave you for Christmas. You resemble

O C

C K

Open 7 Days-A-Week Serving Lunch & Dinner 11:00am - 9:00pm

10

January 2014

FUNNY BONES

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

JOKES SUBMITTED BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY

Thank you for calling.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.

If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the line and we will trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't answer your call anyway.

Submitted by Lisa C. of Integrated Physician Services who does medical billing for doctors. She spends half her life on hold to insurance carriers. The other half she gets to talk to an automated attendant who can't talk back, lucky girl!

Answers on Page 20

Suggestion for the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital

Riding the Crazy Train into 2014

BY MARY TOMPSETT

Inspirational posters I’d like to see: (1) Photo of a swan with only one wing, and the caption: “Never give up. You’ll fly in circles but, hey, it’s the journey that counts.” (2) Photo of Flipper caught in a net, and the caption: “…a time for every porpoise under heaven.”

We’ve all seen the odd pictograms depicting humans on road signs.

Well, at a church craft fair I saw one that belongs in the bin labeled, “Creepy but I don’t know why.” It depicted a bearded, robed Jesus in full stride—without hands or feet.

Aw, man….

George Carlin did a great bit about the irony of non-Christians swearing an oath on the Bible. Expanding on that, I suggest we each choose the item we’ll swear upon, something we

deem sacred or reflective of personal values. For me, it’s a toss-up between my divorce decree or my Best of the Far Side collection.

WILL YOU MARRY ME, GENA? Some fans recently spelled out that proposal on 20 placards at a Packers’ game. Cute, but I’m still in shock that the comma and question mark each had their own card! In the right place! Hell, you don’t care. Did Gena say yes? Dunno. Maybe she replied: (1) I told you, dude, I’m a lesbian; (2) Oy vey, it’s spelled Gina; or (3) WTF?!

You’re married!

"I discovered I was still wearing my ratty red clog slippers. Humility is a sneaky bastard."

Facing two back-to-back appointments, one with my financial advisor and the other to buy tires, I was more jittery than a

Cyclops at a Mary Kay convention.

So I changed into dress clothes to bolster my confidence and look like a grownup with a few brain cells. I even meditated to raise my chi. Still had time to spare before leaving, so I vacuumed the living room.

Sonofabichon, the damn vacuum sucked up a shoelace and I—call me Miss Competence—yanked it out and mucked up the belt and roller. *#%&()X*@!! It’s possible I got Tourette’s Syndrome from a public toilet, but I suspect the outburst meant my chi was still for crap. In a tizzy, I raced across town. As I entered the opulent and intimidating investment office, I discovered I was still wearing my ratty red clog slippers. Humility is a sneaky bastard.

Recently I heard about an orangutan rehab center. Rehab??

Huh. Who knew they did booze and drugs? Opposable thumbs. Bad idea.

We all have voices in our heads.

In your head, they’re hallucinations.

In mine they’re a healthy coping

strategy called self-talk. To avoid being fitted for a straitjacket, do not converse out loud with your voices.

Instead, sit quietly and go deep, deep, to your Inner Remote. Click on Mute and then click on Closed Captions.

Speaking of voices, some people supposedly channel messages from holy or famous souls in the past.

Frankly, channeling would gain credibility if occasionally a loser or even an everyday schmuck grabbed the psychic intercom. How refreshing to hear a few nuggets of wisdom from, say, a one-legged pickpocket in 1st-century Rome, moonlighting as a standup comic. © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering.

Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com

January 2014

11

Voted Monterey Peninsula Travel Planner Best Value The Lone Oak Lodge in Monterey

Internet Specials at www.LoneOakLodge.com

We maintain and prevent problems to keep your car running safely

10%

2221 N. Fremont St., Monterey, CA

off any service

800.283.5663

Expires 1/31/2014

Full Service Repairs • Brake Specialists Minor Part Fabrication Great

® ltor f Rea Officer Roo n e n Loa rO

uy!

eG

Nic

Mech

e Und All • Conventional Loans

anic!

• FHA VA USDA • 100% Financing Plans

Complimentary Market Analysis 1648 Del Monte Blvd, Seaside 831.899.2606

Mike Kerl

Anthony Pietragallo DRE # 01362189 NMLS# 363419

Call or Click: www.anthonypietragallo.com 831.402.0910

Come in and Experience

Your Local Connection to Home-Grown Goods Best Selection of local wine • Gizdich Pies Daily delivery from local bakeries: Bagel Bakery, Gayle’s & Kelly’s Local organic produce • Grass fed beef Catering from our hot deli and sandwich counter

And we Deliver!

Phone 831.375.9581 For more offers visit

www.grovemarketpg.com

Expires January 31, 2014

www.foolishtimes.net

242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove Open Monday- Saturday 8-7pm Sunday 9-6pm Family owned operated since 1969

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.

One said to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

B.B.Q.

Offer Expires 1.31.14

14

January 2014

The locals place for Real Mexican Food!

Feliz Año Nuevo • Innovative Appetizers • • Tasty Margaritas • 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside

831.899.0345

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

The other one says, "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

Through a 3x5 Darkly

BY TED GARGIULO

Ah, dear Reader, is there a married man living who hasn’t purged his drawers and closets of premarital memorabilia, only to have one more incriminating relic from yester-life rear its lovely head? Kristy contends that old flames never die, not completely. They smolder for years in hidden places. They flare up again just when you think you’re over them. They can burn you if you don’t deal with them. Such is the price I’ve had to pay for not rooting out the evidence of my life B.C. (Before Contentment). Or, perhaps, for having planted it too well.

Even ceased and faded, the photo flattered its subject. The muted lighting—perhaps it was a lens filter—had softened the bone structure in Sandy’s face. Her bleached blond hair, fashionable for its time and correctly styled for the photo session, lent her a kittenish, fair-weather charm that would have delighted the eye of any beholder who had never seen her up close.

Missing were the muscles in her jaw that bulged whenever she chewed gum, or when she rolled beer kegs from the back room at PJ’s, where she tended bar Mondays through Thursdays. The relaxed countenance and parted lips in the photo made her almost alluring. If there was anything the real Sandy was not, it was alluring. How the photographer managed to draw that quality out of her is a mystery to me. He had to have been somebody mighty special to her at the time, somebody she knew better than she knew me.

The pose, the shadowing, whatever magic her friend had performed in the lab, also made her look taller and more robust than she actually was. Up close, she was lean, wiry, flat chested, standing barely five feet tall in heels (when she wore heels). In the photo, she had padded

www.foolishtimes.net

her torso with a full blouse and a bulky knit sweater, suggesting to an unsuspecting reviewer unseen resources, fullness of character. At PJ’s, she wore skimpy, low-cut tank tops and tight fitting jeans and skirts that only accentuated the hardness and bareness of her person. The girl had nothing to hide, nor had she the sophistication to dress as though she did. I saw as much of Sandy as I cared to see, maybe more.

"I was somebody, not a loner with no history."

It didn’t matter that nothing physical had transpired between me and the subject. Here was a snapshot to grace any bachelor’s wallet or dresser top. Its very existence suggested a hypothetical bond with which a hypothetical observer might have been impressed. It told the world that I, Rudy, had friends once upon a life; I had connections.

I was somebody, not a loner with no history. Of course, I never figured, when I was single, that the hypothetical observer would one day be my wife.

But that, you see, is no longer an issue. Shall I tell you the crux of this argument? A man with a past can be forgiven. A man without one cannot be trusted. If there were no pictures in my drawer for Kirsty to uncover, I would have had to produce some.

Excerpted from Candlesticks, one of 11 stories in Ted’s new collection entitled, The Man Who Invented New Jersey, available from Amazon in hardcover at https://www. createspace.com/ 4442846...or in a downloadable Kindle edition Kindle edition at http://www.amazon. com/dp/ B00GBIZZIM#_

Change of Season…

We Can Help You Be Safe on the Road

Happy New Year from Tony and his staff

15

16

January 2014

Maybe Next Year

BY R EX KE YES

Christmas and New Year ’s Day have passed and by now the holiday dust has settled.

The ornaments have been put away, the relatives have left and gifts that were not desired have either been returned for, exchanged or put away to be given out (re gifted) for bir thday presents in the coming year. Remember, never re - gift from one relative to another or friend to friend; the rule is relative to friend or friend to relative. That way the twain shall never meet.

During Christmas some people copied what they do at weddings and registered at Toys ‘R Us for what their k ids wanted. This may be the new fad, so not wanting to be left behind I registered for a new Carrera at the local Porsche dealership. Ever y morning I looked out to the driveway to see if it appeared with a red bow around it. No such luck , but maybe next year.

This registering could be expanded to new concepts to include: politicians at the Mustang Ranch, people with a tendency to drink copious amounts of alcohol at the Liquor Barn and environmentalists and health food advocates at Whole Foods.

And for Californians, especially for those in San Francisco on Haight Asbur y, gift registration should be available for events such as Burning Man, and transcendental meditation at some fancy resor t in Malibu or Big Sur. No, I do not think the Dollar Store will have gift

registration next Christmas, but who k nows, maybe Big Lots will.

“So not wanting to be left behind I registered for a new Carrera at the local Porsche dealership.”

Now this is a special month for all of you who own an R V, a V W camper, a cab over camper or a trailer. Take some time off, at least three days, and head on down to Quar tzsite*, which is in the deser t in Southern California. Half of the retirement community, who own campers, from the frozen nor th will also be there. Oh and, don’t be surprised, there will be a lot of baby boomers there, reliving those good old hippie days only now in a 35 foot Winnebago, with a 45 inch flat screen T V and internet wired throughout. Many of those campers will also have a computer- controlled satellite dish. These are the ver y same people who protested the establishment in the 60s. I can only attribute to them an ancient Greek phrase applied to modern times, “The Phoenix has risen from the ashes in Quar tzsite.” *Quar tzsite is a mecca for visitors and exhibitors looking for rocks, gems, mineral specimens and fossils during the town’s two-month-long gem show and swap meet ever y Januar y and February.

Q: What is the best day of the week to sleep?

A: Snooze-day!

Q: How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?

A: A phew!

Q: What do cannibals eat for breakfast?

A: Buttered host!

Q: What holds the sun up in the sky?

A: Sunbeams!

Q: What does maximum mean?

A: A very big mother!

Q: What is full of holes but can still hold water?

A: A sponge!

Q: Why is perfume obedient?

A: Because it is scent wherever it goes!

Q: Waiter, this soup tastes funny?

A: Then why aren't you laughing!

Q: What do you get if you cross a US President with a shark?

A: Jaws Washington!

Q: Why do you keep doing the backstroke?

A: I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach!

Q: Who invented underground tunnels?

A: A mole!

QUOTE

OF THE MONTH

BY BINI "The importance of being Rock Star foolish is to acquiesce to a stupidity that is shrouded in mystery and intrigue. Boiling Stones Magazine." www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

Resolution by any other Name

Fool on the Curb

BY S TACY LI N I N GER

Answers on Page 20

Our plucky snoop on the street posed the question: Foolish Times’ New Year's resolution is to make readers laugh and giggle and guffaw and chor tle all year long. What do you do that makes people laugh or giggle or guffaw or chor tle ...

DECISION

DEDICATION

INTENT

VERDICT

EARNESTNESS

METTLE

BOLDNESS

FIRMNESS

MOXIE

CONSTANCY

FORTITUDE

OBSTANCY

COURAGE

GUTS

PERSEVERANCE

DAUNTLESSNES

HEART

PLUCK

DECLARATION

IMMOVABILITY

www.foolishtimes.net

17

Keith Decker, manager and Carmel resident, resor ts to corny jokes to keep customers smiling like when one came in asking what to do about carpenter ants.

Keith’s response was, “have you thought about a tiny little tool belt?”

Butter Bean, roving repor ter, Carmel, keeps readers chuckling

with her contributions to Carmel’s “Doggie Gazette.”

She can often be seen making the rounds to dog-friendly businesses which display a water bowl out front.

Miles Annand, sales associate, Carmel Valley, loves coming up with schemes to ambush his boss while he’s out of town.

Once he decorated his desk with Christmas lights and placed a mannequin in the middle with a gum cigar in its mouth.

Dore Levy, ar t galler y administer, Monterey, enjoys pointing out the absurd, like this sign posted in Knapp’s Hardware.

18

January 2014

Initial Failure

BY ROSIE SORENSON Last week, I saw a young woman driving a small blue sedan with personalized license plates: “LLBSK8.” I couldn’t imagine at her age possessing enough faith in a relationship to have it embossed on metal for all the world to see.

What would she say to the DMV clerk if (or more likely, when) her relationship ended? Let’s listen in on that conversation: “Good afternoon, Department of Motor Vehicles.”

“Hi, this is Linda--” “Yes, Miss Barnes, how can I help you?”

“Excuse me, ma’am, but how did you know my name?”

“You called our 800 number.”

“Oh, right. Caller ID.” “Wonders of technology, eh?”

“I guess so. Uh, listen, I need to make a change--in my license plate—you know—get a new one?”

“Was the old one lost or stolen?”

“Well, no, it’s just that--” “Ah, the relationship crashed, did it?”

“What?”

“Your current license plate--‘LLB-SK8’--dead giveaway. You must have been in love with somebody to order a special plate like that.

What happened?”

“It just didn’t work out.”

“Hmm. I can see from our records that this is your fifth license change in three years.”

“That many? Guess I musta lost track.”

“Did he dump you, or did you dump him?”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s not a trick question, Miss Barnes. Did you dump him, or did he dump you?”

“A little of both, I guess.”

“Right. He dumped you. How come?”

“Uh--don’t you think that’s kinda personal?”

“Listen, hon, you can talk to me.

I hear stories, you know—all kinds.

Maybe I can help.”

“Oh. Well, at first he was--you know--it was just about perfect. I thought he was my dream man.

But then--he started stayin’ out all night--” “You mean you let him move in with you? This ‘Mr. SK8?’

“Uh-huh.”

“Hmm. I can see from our records that this is your fifth license change in three years.”

“Big mistake. I say, don’t let ‘em move in ‘til you got a big rock on your finger and the date set.”

“Uh--uh—well, what do you know? I mean, have you ever been in love so bad you’d do—you’d do-whatever--? ” “Look, hon, do the words ‘rode hard and put away wet’ mean anything to you?”

“No.” “Well, that’s how my friends describe me—on a good day. I’ve been around the block with men so many times it’s not even funny.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I get so—I just can’t stop cryin’--you’d think by now that --” “You’d get used to it?”

“Yeah.”

“Honey, the heart don’t like being tore up like that, never has, never will. It’s a shame how that works--a cryin’ shame. By the way, what happened to the guy before that –‘Mr. BGBY’-- uh, Big Boy?” “He--uh, didn’t work much, but that wasn’t so bad because I knew

he was trying, but then I found stuff, you know, drug stuff in his truck and then he got mad--said I was snoopin’ on him--” “Oh, boy.”

“Do you think I’m pathetic?”

“That’s not the word I’d use, hon.

You seem young, is all. Young in the head, young in the heart--and a tad desperate.”

“Desperate?”

“Well, three years, five different license plates? Guess it could have been worse, though. You could have had their names tattooed on your butt or something--” “Uh--” “No! Oh, my, that’s gotta hurt— especially getting them removed-not to mention the expense and--” “Only two--I only got tattoos for the last two men--it did hurt a little, though--”

“My advice? Don’t settle in with any old guy until you find the one that wants to put your initials on his license plate!”

“Huh. You know, ma’am, you got me to thinking--how about something like, oh, I don’t know-‘M-Y-W-Y-O-R-H-W-Y’? Can you get me one like that ?”

“Now you’re talkin’, hon! ‘My Way Or The Highway!’ You’ll have it next week.”

Rosie Sorenson’s new book, Humor Me! Short Amusing Takes on George Clooney, Fruit Fly Sex, the NSA, Halle Berry, Compassionate Rats, and Other Wacky Topics, is now available as an e- book on Amazon.com. Rosie is an awardwinning writer whose work has been published in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh-Tribune Review and other publications.

In 2007, Rosie won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. She is a frequent contributor to the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop website.

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

BY TO M BU R N S LIFE IN THE HAMMOCK

“Rex, wanna tr y your hand at the Etch-A-Sk etch again? I t ’s a challenge. With opposable thumbs, so it has to be a real effor t without opposable thumbs.” Rex evidently did not wish to par ticipate in a discussion about Etch-ASk etch. He continued to lay spread- eagle on his back in the hammock on the back porch.

H is eyes were closed, signaling his desire to sleep through my interruption of his other wise peaceful morning. “ Wanna play catch with the tennis ball?” I erringly assumed he would at least wag his tail at the mention of a favorite game.

Maybe I should just leave him alone until he hopped off the hammock , popped through his doggie door and resumed his role as Man’s Best Friend.

But no. Lik e a fool, I motored on full speed ahead. “Hey, how ‘bout we go down to the metal newspaper boxes at East Village Coffee Lounge, grab a handful of Foolish Times, bring them home, separate the pages, mak e paper airplanes, and tr y to get one to zoom from our back porch into M illie’s back yard and crash into her dog house?” M y faithful companion remained motionless. Tough nut to crack .

Time to pull out the big guns. “ What say we drive into Carmel and count Bentleys and Rolls Royces?” The suggestion

www.foolishtimes.net

of a favorite pastime left him unmoved.

“Go inside and watch old reruns of Lawrence Walk? The one where Jo Ann Castle plays ‘I nagoddavita’ on the piano nak ed and M yron Florin and Joe Feeney do Abbott and Costello’s ‘ Who’s On First?’” I would have bet big money that that would have had him jumping around, hopping up and down with unbridled excitement. Wrong again. I had to get creative.

“I could have easily bribed him with a Costco pizza or a trip to Baskin Robbins.”

“Rexie! Let ’s drive into Salinas and watch the men in the fields wearing the white toxic bunny suits spray deadly toxic caustic chemicals on the food we’re going to eat!”

He didn’t get hook ed by my sarcastic nutritional biomass social commentar y.

I had to get creative to get some movement out of my canine companion. “Rex. Got an idea. A good one. Brace yourself.” O f course I could have easily bribed him with a Costco pizza or a trip to Bask in Robbins, but now it had become a challenge.

“Rex, let ’s go over to M r.

Delahunt y ’s house and look at his famed collec tion of little poopies from endangered species.

H is Endangered Species Feces exhibit as he calls it!” Rex began to wag his tail.

“I k now how you love to sniff other animals’ poopies. You’re a dog, so don’t deny it.” The

intensit y of the tail wagging amped up.

“I’ll call him now.” I dialed.

“Hey there Edgar. Tom Burns here. Yeah, good to hear your voice. I hear you got a new job. O, goat proc tologist huh?

How ’s business? Yeah, well I guess one could expec t that in that line of work . Say, I’m wondering if Rex and I could stop by. I’d lik e to show him

19

your Endangered Species Feces exhibit.” Rex ’s tail was now wagging at a furious rate.

“Oh, I see. Your wife made you get rid of it. Yeah, I k now.

Wives are different creatures.

What? You embarrassed her by proudly showing it to her bridge club?

Rex (and Tom) can be reached at burns100@ear thlink.net

“Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.”

SEE SPOT JUMP John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through it."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

20

January 2014

foolish sudoku's answers

from page 10

Did you hear about the

foolish search's answers

from page 17

restaurant on the Moon?

Great food but no atmosphere.

Guide to Local Businesses & Services AUTOMOTIVE

CAMERA

CONSTRUCTION

MOVING

Hans Auto Repair

Green’s Camera World

All in One Construction

Peninsula Cleaning & Moving

Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models Green Business Certified 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com

Auto Tech Mobile Mechanic

If you’re sitting on the side of the road reading this call Brian 831.899.3695

To Advertise on Top Notch: Email sales@foolishtimes.net or call 831.233.3122

Repairs, video transfer, media recovery, photo restoration Three locations

831.424.5247

greenscameraworld.com

JEWELRY Bench Jeweler

No job too big or small General Contractor Licensed, insured, bonded 831.869.0493

allinoneconstructionca.com

We take the guess work out of moving Complimentary estimates Bonded, insured 831.373.6683

Uchida Construction

FENCES/DECKS

We Buy Gold!

Experts in repair and estate jewelry appraisal 831.372.5186

Framing, carpentry. New construction & remodeling Licensed, bonded, insured General Contractor 831.595.7773

Gasper’s Jewelers

PETS

Monterey’s premier jeweler Custom design, repair and quality jewelry, watches and collectibles 831.375.5332 gaspersjewelers.com

Coyote Scoop

“Pets Poop, We Scoop” We also assist with “pet issues” 831.393.0362

All in One Construction

No job too big or small General contractor Licensed, insured, bonded 831.869.0493 allinoneconstructionca.com

FIRE WOOD

LANDSCAPE/GARDEN

PM Landscape and Design

Landscapes with a Mediterranean flair We help enhance the value of your home Residential & Commercial 831.324.0637 pmlandscapingmonterey.com

CLEANING Peninsula Cleaning & Moving We love to clean!

New client discounts Last minute appointments Family owned and operated Bonded & Insured 831.373.6243

Seasoned Pine, Eucalyptus & Oak. Delivery available 831.869.8470

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

NOT IN MY BACKYARD A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog which has been barking in their backyard for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it! Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.

NOTHING BETWEEN THE EARS A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor.

“You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?”

“No, silly,” the blonde said.

“First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?” '”Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going

www.foolishtimes.net

to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

FULL OF HOT AIR A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home, blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.

So she blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.”

HOT AND COLD A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, “Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow, said the blonde, that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!”

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

“What's that,” he asked?

21

“Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied..

Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The blond replied, “Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.”

A DEATH IN THE FAMILY A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, “What's the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.”

“Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

“What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?” he asks.

“No!” exclaims the blonde. “I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!”

IT’S A SIGN On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "Clean Restrooms 8 Miles.”

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

HEADSTONE HUMOR Two blonde teens, Muffy and Buffy, are taking a shortcut through the old Catholic cemetery when they begin to notice a few of the more interesting epitaphs.

"Look at this headstone," says Muffy. "It says a guy by the name of Agostino, from Sicily, lived to the age of 93."

"Gee, that's old," says Buffy.

"But look at this one -- 'Cesar Sanchez -- Born in Mexico City, Died in Los Angeles, Age 97.'"

They continue strolling through the cemetery until Muffy stops in her tracks and exclaims, "Whoaaaaaaaa! Look at that headstone across the path -there's an Irish guy who died when he was 145 years old!"

"Wow!" says Buffy. "What was his name?"

"Miles," says Muffy.

"I can barely see the headstone from here," says Buffy. "Where does it say how old he was? And Irish?"

Muffy peers at the stone across the path and reads aloud: "Died 145 Miles from Dublin."

22

January 2014

FOOLIN' AROUND TOWN

January 1 Happy New Year!

January 16-20

Monterey Swingfest

21st annual event features professional and amateur swing dancers.

Workshops and instructions on how to…how to… how to… swing dance.

I was getting dizzy writing this. www.centralcoastswing dance.com

Every Friday & Saturday in January

Planet Gemini

Monterey’s #1 comedy and dance nightspot.

The Lane brothers feature local & nationally known headlining comedians. www.planetgemini.com January 1-31

California Restaurant Month

We pay homage to the culinary geniuses who make magic in the kitchen, while rising stars of the pastry and wine world are also putting Monterey County at the forefront for foodies.

Stand up and scream "California Restaurant Month" to receive a special discount and a police escort out. www.visitcalifornia.com /Restaurant-Month January 8

Women Winemaker’s Luncheon

Marta Kratzeck, winemaker at Scheid, talks about “Winemaking and the Women Winemakers in Monterey County” My experience is limited to women who drink wine in Monterey County.

Wills Fargo Restaurant www.scheidvineyards.com

January 8

Elvis’s Birthday

Without Elvis, Mick Jaggar and Robert Plant wouldn’t know how to gyrate their hips on stage.

Happy 79th birthday to the pride of Tupelo and the King of Rock and Roll.

January 18

Champions of the Arts

Our world class art community honors world class artists who live and work here.

One of the must attend events of the year. www.culturalmonterey.org

January 17-19

Big Sur Forager Festival

A celebration of the amazing array of wild foods, world-class wine and beer, entertainment, expert-led foraging hikes and a friendly chef competition with celebrity judges.

Stay away for the scrooms grown in cow dung! www.bigsurforagersfestival.org

January 25-26

Whale Fest

Climb inside a 60-foot model gray whale, hear lectures and dance to the music.

Interactive family fun educational booths and free to the public Old Fisherman s Wharf www.montereywharf.com January 31 - Feb 18

Chinese New Year

Year of the Horse In Chinese astrology, Horse year is considered a fortunate year that brings luck and good things.

Gung hay fat choy.

January 18

Chef Robert Irvine

The British hunk offers a unique evening that blends culinary talent and theater.

He is like the Grateful Dead of culinary; every show is different. www.sunsetcenter.org

www.foolishtimes.net

January 2014

e Antiques & Mor

831.620.5122

To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038

Cypress Studio L xury Japanese Lu

Massage

831-333-9617 580 Casanove Ave. Monterey

www.foolishtimes.net

New Hours!

Sun-Thur: 10am-Midnight Friday-Sat: 10am-1am

Remodels Decks (New & Repairs) Fence Instal lation Paint Interior & Exterior Retaining Wa lls 10% off on an y new project

23