December 2017
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December 2017
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Happy H
olidays fr
om
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Quality Local Products • Fresh Organic Produce Great Selection of Wine & beer • Scrumptious Bakery items Specialty Gourmet Products Hot & Cold Deli Items Made Fresh Daily Christmas Eve Hot Deli Special: Prime Rib Dinner Holiday Hours: Cmas Eve 9-3pm Closed Cmas Day 242 Forest Ave, Pacific Grove 831.375.9581 www.grovemarketgrocery.com Open Monday-Saturday 8-7pm • Sunday 9-6pm From Our Family to Yours, “Thank You and Happy Holidays!”
December 2017
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee Cover Art By Chuck Scardina Illustrated by Morgan Mecham
Contributors
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks All did not go as planned last month with meeting up with Minnie Mouse. If it did, Suzie Q would be making excuses for my absence. She is a great editor and a huge reason why we have great content. She also believes I have the right to be stupid but not the right to abuse the privilege. Our award winning graphic designer had a different slant on my trip. A woman of few words and a soft spot for male stupidity, her reaction was, ”I told you so.” If you haven’t guessed by now, Minnie put me in the “friend zone” and chose to stay with Mickey. She couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door six times on her way out. As bad as the experience could have been, it was salvaged by quality time with Daisy Duck. She is funny and really quacks me up! She is a special combination of inner and outer beauty and most importantly, too naive to know she’s way out of my league.
So my gift to you is the wisdom of knowing that being a friend to someone is always the best relationship you can have. The key to really enjoying someone’s company is to not spend a lot of time with them. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you’re still my friends, sorry I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant? From all of us to all of you, have a great Holiday Season. See you in 2018.
Stevie P. / publisher@foolishtimes.net
Foolish Times
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www.foolishtimes.net and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn’t pinch that girl.” “Of course you didn’t” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. “What’s up?” says the driver. “Your wife fell out of the passenger door three miles back,” says the policeman. “Thank goodness for that,” says the driver. “I thought I’d gone deaf.”
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend some money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?” Giuseppe proudly replied, “ I’m gonna go pick her up.”
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, “Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!” To which Harry replied, “Well, after all we were married 40 years.”
A woman was telling her friend, “It was I who made my husband a millionaire.”
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“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. The woman replied, “A multimillionaire”.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson,
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.” Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
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December 2017
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
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DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 831.372.1125
ITALIAN
PUBS
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily Lunch & Dinner Catering available 1130 Fremont Blvd Seaside 831.717.4624
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. Open Thanksgiving Day 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
December 2017
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Peace of Mind
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Essex will Maintain and Prevent Problems to Keep Your Auto Running Safely
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Unwrap the Gift of Tamales
Ingredients • 1 lb pork loin • 1 lg onion halved • 1 clove garlic • 4 dried chili pods
• 2 cps water • 1 tsp salt • 2 cps masa harina • 10 oz beef broth
• 1 tsp baking powder • 1/2 tsp salt • 2/3 cps lard • 50 dried corn husks
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1. Place pork into a crock pot with onion and garlic. 2. Add water to cover. Cook for about 2 hours. 3. Remove stems and seeds from the chile pods. 4. Place chiles in a saucepan with 2 cups of water. 5. Simmer, uncovered, for 20 minutes. 6. Transfer to a blender. Blender until smooth. 7. Strain the mixture, stir in salt. 8. Shred the cooked meat, mix in one cup of chile sauce. 9. Soak the corn husks in warm water.
10. In large bowl, beat the lard with a tablespoon of the broth until fluffy. 11. Combine the masa harina, baking powder and salt. 12. Stir into the lard mixture, adding more broth as necessary to form a spongy dough. 13. Spread the dough out over the corn husks to 1/4 to 1/2 inch thickness. 14. Place one tablespoon of the meat filling into the center. 15. Fold the sides of the husks in toward the center and place in a steamer. 16. Steam for 1 hour.
What song is it from? “While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains…” Joy to the World
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December 2017
Comments Welcome: lalaugh6@gmail.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram What truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming ...Or find the proper tool like a canopener, it can be an eye opener. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull *Bull Artist! Your gift to gab is fulgent, a blurting bulge of information. An angel gives you good warning that your chops need reforming. Take heed and you won’t need to recant, let alone re- call what you have declared. At least you have one angle here you can change ... It’s your Long Johns. *Boil them up! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Donde Esta La *Boomer? Looking for Santa with an itch to travel, to hitch a ride before you unravel! You may feel crazy blind about which direction to go because your mirror-like disposition makes it so. Asking questions of your other-half is as productive as selling sleigh insurance to SANTA. Feliz Navidad to the both of you’s! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab That tinsel is sinful when it glistens so upon your brow! Be it bangs, or be it a crown, those forces underneath are making you drown! Soften your hard surface to release what truth abounds. In other words Crabby start now by disrobing and dishelming … or find the proper tool like a canopener, it can be an eye opener.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Cheery Cherry-Red and Coruscating are thee! Who you want to BE, is Mr. or Ms. SANTA C. Auntie Shame; alias PlasticElastic Queen is baaaack ... and will be riding your ass this holiday. Cover all furniture with her Xmas plastic sofa covers or you will be tempted to muletide kick her and pop all her baubles. Even with a Pinecone stuck in your paw, your sparkling virtuosity will prevail! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin A *Beefer in Hobo Terminology is a whiner named after the Squealing Pig Diner. Do you see where this is going? Trying to perfect all that surrounds you is against nature’s way. Be phosphores-cent, a firefly in winter or lie dormant in a patch of snow and let the deep freeze cool thy knocking noggin. Christmas morning you will feel refreshed and in spring the sun will have melted all your woes away or toes frayed! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Your most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Yet today your bum ought to get off this lot, a final caveat to move your *bottle wagon off 42nd Street! Your blazing charm and poinsettias are apparently competing with Broadway. You fought so hard for this corner; look closely at this bouquet, a Pyrrhic victory is in this day!
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are scintillating when you gaze upon the innocence of stupid. You wish to sting and stomp and yet your stocking is full. Gratefulness or Greatful-ness? You mustn’t *chuck a dummy, ordinary people count like the rest. Save the Turtle Dove’s nest from this winds chill. Yes, this is a test of the emergency broadcast egosystem. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Happy Honking Herpetic Birthday! Frank Sinatra was SAG. He aimed his restless spirit into song, look how long that dong went ding. You can train to do the Can-can on top of the Polar Ex- press. You choose the venture but leave the dentures. Go Get Blitzen! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat A mansion for a mailbox! To no surprise, a large unit with gables would entice your enormous practical side. I get it, no space to go to waste. The postal worker hurled a package along with your mail and heard a thump and then a scream. He is concerned that you may be injured and or may have paper cuts. In addition, this space is used by Santa’s secret Elves. It’s a hub! But they see you as a squatter. Practicality is useful; but it is time to Giddy-yap, Giddy-yap, and move back in the main house.
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By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier A rare luminescence sweeps Christmas twilight and simultaneously your unconventional good tidings are heralding a tune. Bear with though, in the distance, Suzy Snowflake is singing, “Come out ev’ryone and play, the ride’s on me.” Then she stumbles down onto someone’s frosty nose and cries. You thought you were an odd ball! You simply march to a different drummer. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes SKYFISH! You are no longer swimming in the fog! An auroral search light shines deep in your psyche and lights a way through a new portal. A temporary indecisiveness may riddle you when you have to choose door#1, door#2, or door#3. So Let’s Make a Deal - Push through every one of them, push! And you will win an invitation to the Ocean’s Eleven cast party and so much more, you’ll see. It’s a wonderful life! *Hobo Terminology ~ Look it up.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
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Christmas Break Up By Debbie Harris Two years ago, I wrote in the Foolish Times that I have a lovehate relationship with Christmas. That has changed. I won’t mince words; it’s a full on hate now. Christmas and I need to split up, go our separate ways. We just don’t get along. I’m an introvert and the holidays are a test of my coping ability. Go out and be among bright lights and crowds, sing and hug and decorate. Aaaaaah! A Christmas party alone can require a hot bubble bath with low volume Enya music and lavender aroma therapy to recover from.
All the wonderful foods come out during the holidays … the food that gives you sugar highs and crashes, carb overload sleepiness, and makes your brain function like a snail on Valium. When it comes to maneuvering one’s way through the Christmas season, Hallmark doesn’t help. Before the kids even show up at your door with their plastic pumpkins begging for a treat, the Hallmark Channel has started showing Christmas movies. Romance movies. You know, the movies where the sweet, adorable, single, uncomplicated young
woman finds herself in conflict of some sort with a handsome, unattached, emotionally-intune man. They fight about their issue while the romantic attraction builds. They just start getting closer and then something goes horribly wrong, a misunderstanding, a meddling friend, (although it’s never his baby-mama showing up with the three kids); a crisis occurs and they separate. Then somehow they are thrown back together at Christmas and the crisis is resolved. They fall into each other’s arms, and the barf bags of realists all over the country fill up. Christmas is a bad influence on my health habits. All the wonderful foods come out during the holidays, you know, all the stuff that you’re not supposed to eat, the food that gives you sugar highs and crashes, carb overload sleepiness, and makes your brain function like a snail on Valium. But the food is there, easy to grab and outside it’s cold and wet and my hibernation reflex kicks in. I want to eat a plate of peanut butter cookies with Hershey kisses on top and sleep until March. When I am awake, I’m in a brain fog; there’s always so much to do. What should I be doing right now? What else to I have to prepare or plan for? Do I have gifts for everyone I need to get gifts for? Please say I don’t have to go to another store!! I can’t stand wrapping gifts. When I was married, my husband did all the Christmas wrapping. I wanted to negotiate for Christmas wrapping rights in the divorce settlement, but I was concerned
to get dish towels, hand soap and/ or a gift card. So Christmas, I know you only show up once a year, but it’s too much. Take the tree, the decorations, and the wrapping supplies and get your own place. We’re through!
what he’d want in return. I could wrap like my mother, who has been known to use paper grocery bags, cracker boxes, staples, rubber bands, and clothes pins in her wrapping, but I don’t want the gift to look too tacky. I bless the person who invented gift bags. I’m just too practical for a holiday like Christmas. I don’t want to give anything to anyone that they’re going to have to have a garage sale to get rid of. I’ve been known to give Christmas themed tissue boxes to my family of allergy sufferers. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but if you’re on my gift list, you’re going
On the Second Day of Christmas...
Hedgehogs eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
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December 2017
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Jingle Half the Way December is here, which means we have survived another year, and given the circumstances we are currently under, it is a darn achievement. Taking “live the day like it was your last” to a completely new meaning. Seriously, and literally. Every week is like that scene in almost every action-packed movie where a bomb is doing the countdown to detonate and somebody is sweating trying to defuse it by cutting the right cable and BAM! He cuts the wire with two seconds left. We all exhale and celebrate. Phew! Three more years to go. Some optimists, would like to say maybe less, but I doubt it. Then again, anything can happen. Nevertheless, life must go on. As I take personal inventory, I am glad to see changes I have made as a woman, wife, mother and friend. Changing bad old habits can be challenging, it is not impossible, they require dedication. Your brain will try to default your decisions with a less poised and more primitive decision, when that happens we must slow down and assess the situation properly. I mean, what kind of person just blurts out the first thing that pops into their head and spreads it all over social media? First thoughts should be like a draft, for they are rarely enlightening truths. Then again, that could just be me reading one too many meditation books. I am not big on holidays, I am 5’5… see what I did there?!.. point being, I will not be partaking this year. As I previously stated, I will not fall for consumerism… this time!
Next year is a new year. But hey!, if anyone wants to give me a present, I will courteously accept it. I do not want to be rude. I do what is right, I got manners, I am polite as f@#%. I would like to wish everyone a merry little Christmas and Happy Holidays, even the losers and haters (sorry, I could not help myself). But seriously, thank you for your support and taking the time to read the Foolish Times and my humble little column. I wish you all love and happiness in whatever form that might be for you. I would wish for health, but money is all that matters, especially around the holidays. To Quote Rose from Gypsy “You either got it, or you had it.” Perhaps she was referring to another item, but valuable nonetheless. Lastly, I do not hate Christmas; it just does not make sense to me. The equation does not add up, so the error must have happened earlier in the process. So, Jingle Half the way is my way of compromising. Any who… We do have a Christmas customary tradition in my little family; we go eat Chinese Food, unless they deliver. Happy Hanukkah and Namaste. Dear Jim F, Thank you for taking time out of your day to send me a letter, and thank you for supporting the Foolish Times. I don’t know when I started using the D-bag word. Maybe I was a New Yorker in my past life and I just fuggedaboutit. PS: I will keep up the good work. :)
On the Third Day of Christmas...
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Is the Mantra “I Wantra?”
By Robyn Justo When I was a wee bit past two years old, Mom took me back East to visit relatives. We had a short layover in St. Louis so we stayed on the plane. It was hot and humid and although I was sitting on the floor, happily occupied with dipping my French fries in milk, I suddenly ripped off my little tee shirt and screamed, “ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO THUFFICATE ME???” An obvious Disney inspired lisp compliments of Sylvester and Daffy. The stew asked Mom if I was really two with such an advanced vocabulary and she turned red realizing she was fudging a bit, but nodded yes. If that happened today, we might have been yanked from the aircraft, me being pointed and scowled at for being a milk-moustached mini-terrorist. But babies ask questions. Lots of them, with most starting with why, where, how, sometimes loudly, embarrassing their parents. Why is the sky blue? Why am I small? How do birds fly? Who am I? Where did I come from? The innocent inquiries came first. Then desire kicks in and it’s over and the questions turned into demands and we learned to manipulate to get what we wanted
We got louder and typically got attention on a plane or elsewhere, and we often got the thing that we wanted (and sometimes a spank when it was legal.) “I want the pretty colored magically delicious cereal! I want a pony! I want a new Barbie! I don’t want to go to bed now! I want to go to the moon! “(Side note here. I’m sure Dad would have gladly offered to send me there many times.)
Is there ever a point when we inquire within instead of continuing to acquire without?
that makes us cool. We should want a life-size Ken doll. We should want more. It’s a catch-and-release game. It’s what we do. Then we end up with so much that we need to find extra places to store it all or we give it away, throw it away, sell it, consign it, or divorce it. Or sometimes we discover something that we didn’t even know we had (in my case I forgot-I-bought-it.) It’s all the mighty temptation of the temporary (also sometimes referred to as the economy). I wonder why we are so fascinated with it and why we just keep on doing it, over and over and over, still thinking that it will meet our requirements for whatever sustenance we are sorely lacking. Maybe time to figure out that the Santa bag has a hole in it. Why am I suddenly feeling like I want to rip off my tee shirt? No, I don’t need a new one from Ross because I’m overwhelmed
The years pass, and the desires change. I want a latte. I want a new shampoo. I want that cute shirt at Ross. So I wonder. Am I just a needling, a being with incessant wants and desires? Is this all there is to life? Is it all about acquisition? Even when we really don’t want something, we are told that we should. It’s a program and it works. We should want to look cute. We should want good hair. We should drink lattes because
and thufficated as it is (or more aptly stufficated.) Isn’t there a replicator somewhere where we can put it all back to be etherically disintegrated and recycled? Hmmm, there appears to be one for these little bodies of ours. Is there ever a point when we inquire within instead of continuing to acquire without? Where are “we” beneath all of this stuff or is this some kind of trick to get us to stop asking questions or perhaps keep us all from realizing that we are just as temporary as all of the stuff we seem to think we need or want? It’s the twuth (Tweety would say.) Back to the basic baby questions for me, from the acquiry to the inquiry. Who am I and where did I come from? Seems like better food for thought than Fruit Loops.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
What song is it from? “Now we don our gay apparel…” Deck the Halls Answers on page 24
December 2017
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The Famous and Now Forgotten Word Warrior -
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Professional & Experienced
SEX THERAPY
The Paperclip Guy!
LGBT & KINK Friendly
By Roger Freed Do you remember way back in the foggy mist of Internet time the first and most infamous troll of all, the Paperclip Guy? He would always be lurking around the corner of any Word document you were typing just waiting for his chance to add his two bits about what your were writing like a Stasi spy eager for a promotion within the ranks. He considered himself the main protector and overseer of our beloved English language, and although eternally police, would throughly infuriate you with his constant infringements like a mosquito trying to drink his limit before closing time. He was always at your disposal like an unwanted valet, ready to serve you endlessly as you diddle away
What song is it from? “There must have been some magic in that hat …”
on any sotr of manuscript you had the misfortune to put upon Microsoft template. What is not well known is how he eventually went over to the dark side of the Force. It got ugly folks. He went from being Sebastian Cabot to a Sith Lord in a time short even by Internet standards. For those who can still remember him on old computers (say around 2004), here were the tell-tale signs that he was becoming a digital dictator. He starts reading all that you write. His eyes stay creepily on the screen even when the computer is turned off. He starts growing a toothbrush mustache. Everything you write is automatically submitted to the FBI. Instead of pounding on the screen when you want to erase he gives you the finger. Starts telling you what you will write. You find he reads all your email before you get to it. Automatically blanks out any naughty words you write. Doesn’t test all new CDs playing them backwards looking for satanic messages. Acquired baton and bangs you on the fingers when you start writing political texts. Intentionally puts in viruses to jam up any non-Microsoft software. Secretly uses photo-alternating software to alter any photos you email to incriminatingly look like pornography.
SACRED INTIMACY/TANTRA WORKSHOP for Sexual Abuse Survivors and their Partners.
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December 16th • 9-5pm
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Intimacy, Sexuality & Gender Center of Monterey 494 Alvarado Street, Suite A Monterey // 831.375.7553 // www.isgcmonterey.com On the Fourth Day of Christmas...
Frosty The Snowman
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December 2017
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On the Fifth Day of Christmas...
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: On the back she saw “911” and thought it was a Porsche. Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr. Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: Space. The final frontier.......... Q: What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 Bus? A: She took the 33 bus twice instead. Q: Why do ya reckon blondes don’t have elevator jobs? A: Cuz they’ve no idea of the route. Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? A: you shine a torchlight in Q: Did you hear about the blonde Bear? A: Got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off its two paws and one leg, and was still stuck. Q: How do you measure their intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? A: Frosted Flakes. Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree? A: The Branch Manager. Q: Why do blondes love lightning? A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo. Q: Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make ice-Cubes? A: She couldn’t find the recipe.
Short Takes Two blondes walk into a building ... you would have thought one of them would see it. What do you call two blondes in a pool? Air bubbles. What do you call three blondes standing in a row? A wind tunnel. Why did the blond right tgif on her shoes? To remind her toes go in first.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxi.
December 2017
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By Rex Keyes
Marvin Gaye and “What’s Happening Christmas”
To quote one of Marvin Gaye’s songs, “What’s happening brother, what’s been shaken up and down the line. I want to know cause I’m slightly behind the time.” What’s happening now is that the physical stores are in a war with the internet for the Christmas buying spree. They are matching or charging less than internet prices. Some stores, to attract customers, are even serving appetizers. And some retail stores and malls are bringing in bands to play music. One does not need to “get down,” slang for dance, at a nightclub or bar, just go to the mall and rock out.
What’s happening now is that the physical stores are in a war with the internet for the Christmas buying spree. Of course watch out for the senior citizens. There are a lot of senior citizens that go to the malls to exercise. And to exercise they go for walks in the mall sometimes walking three to five miles. The malls are the best places to go for walks. In the summer they are air conditioned. In the winter they are heated. They have bathrooms and food courts where one can buy a cool cola, lemonade or Frappuccino to take on the walk. The big advantage to going to a regular store, especially when buying clothes, is that one can see, feel and try them on. For example
if you are a woman buying clothes for your sister, you can try on the different sizes and get an idea of which one will fit her; small, medium, large or extra-large. One cannot try clothes on when ordering from the internet. If it is too small or large one has to return it and reorder. Also at a regular store one can see the quality of the product. Is it too thick, or thin, is it cheaply made, etc., etc.? This time of year is the best time to own a recreational vehicle. It is the time to take it out of storage, check the engine oil, check the water in the radiator, check the pressure in the tires, start it up and go fill up the tank. The question is why take the RV out of storage if one is not going on any long trip. Well, this time of year we have Christmas parties and New Year’s Eve parties. Take the RV to these parties. Stay up as late as possible and crash in your RV instead of trying to drive home in your car half snockered and crashing on the way home. After the parties just stagger out to the RV and sleep in one of the beds and much later just drive home with only a hangover.
We are coming to the end of the year and it seems December is the month that has more action going on than any other month. People take time off for Christmas, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Some take time off between Christmas and New Year’s Day. They go shopping for gifts. The stores are packed. They visit friends and relatives and the airports and airlines are flooded with passengers. Here is wishing you Happy Holidays and have fun at the malls!!!
The Titanic was built to last, let that sink in.
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December 2017
By Lily Brun
The Lobster Flower Reigns Supreme If it is, indeed, the most haphappiest season of all, it’s in large part due to the spectacular poinsettia. That is, of course, the gardener in me talking. Better than Christmas trees with prickly pine needles or holly with spiky leaves, and certainly superior to the parasitic mistletoe, poinsettias are THE iconic plant of the season. With nicknames like lobster flower and Mexican flame leaf, how can we not love this tropical wonder? It blooms at just the right time of year to make a crimson splash in gardens, on table tops and in holiday dioramas. They are everywhere. And you know why? Because 34 million plants are sold yearly. That’s enough for every person in California to have one in her holiday decor. It’s no wonder they’re ubiquitous. They even out perform Christmas trees. How did it come to this? We have our southern neighbors, Mexico, to thank for our fondness for this Christmas
flower, and an intrepid amateur botanist. It’s a good story. In 1828, the United States’ first ambassador to Mexico, Dr. Joel Roberts Poinsett … aha moment! … found a shrub growing along the road outside of Taxco, Mexico that had radiant red leaves. He took some cuttings, as any good gardener would, and sent them home for propagating. That was the beginning of our fascination. I would be remiss as a gardener not to highlight the most important part of this story — it’s the leaves that make a poinsetttia our most vibrant Christmas accessory. The flowers are tiny yellow clustered buds that grow in the center of these leaves. And in the magic of plant life … ok, it’s not magic it’s science, but it is somewhat spellbinding … the leaves change color in response to those flowers forming. Whew! Botany lesson finished for the month. No stopping now, though, there’s more to know: • They come in a range of colors — red is the favorite, but white and pink are not far behind. Other colors include salmon, apricot,
What song is it from? “He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”
yellow, cream, speckled pink and white and marbled ones with gold-splashed leaves. • The plant is actually a small tree, growing in the wild to heights of 12 feet. • Its botanical name, Euphorbia pulcherrima, means “the most beautiful Euphorbia,” not highly creative but certainly descriptive. • The Aztecs used the leaves to dye fabric and the sap as a medicine to help control fevers. • Let’s dispel an urban myth, they are not poisonous. (That doesn’t, however, mean they should be ingested.) • Known in Mexico as the
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“Flower of the Holy Night,” they are considered a symbol of purity and have been used throughout the centuries in religious ceremonies. • And finally, December 12 is National Poinsettia Day. It marks the day the adventurous Dr. Poinsett died, honoring the festive legacy of color he brought to this jolly time of year. In all of my readings about poinsettias, the one question left unanswered, the burning issue, the conundrum I couldn’t unravel is how the word is pronounced. Is it poin-set-ee-ah or poin-set-ah? According to dictionary, both are correct. Well, that’s no help! No matter. With a little help from this beautiful plant, as the song says, “it is the most wonderful time of the year!”
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December 2017
Smooth Reactions
By the Editors at Andrews McMeel Syndication
Walk of Shame • A presumably humiliated opossum “ran off” in late October after three Pennsylvania men posted photos on social media of themselves giving it beer and kissing it. The Pennsylvania State Game Commission was unamused by the antics of Michael Robert Tice, 18, of Newport; David Mason Snook, 19, of Reedsville; and Morgan Scot Ehrenzeller, 20, of McAlisterville, and charged them on Nov. 2 with unlawful possession of wildlife and disturbing wildlife. According to TribLive, Tice kissed and held the animal while Snook poured beer on its head and into its mouth. The men couldn’t be reached for comment.
Be Kind to Animals • Donna Byrne, 53, of Polk County, Florida, was charged with driving under the influence on Nov. 2, but it was her mode of transportation that earned her an animal neglect charge. Byrne was riding her horse, Boduke, down a busy road in Lakeland in the middle of the afternoon. When officers reached Byrne, she was staggering and had red, watery eyes—explained by her breath alcohol level, which was more than twice the legal limit, Polk County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Brian Bruchey told the Orlando Sentinel. Boduke got a ride to the sheriff’s Animal Control livestock facility, but Bruchey said he’d most likely be returned to Byrne,
whose rap sheet includes cruelty to animals and drug possession. • In Darmstadt, Germany, police detained a 19-year-old man on Nov. 7 after they noticed “a significant bulge in his trousers” and discovered he was carrying a baby python in his pants. The unnamed man was carrying on a loud, drunken argument with another man when police were called, reported The Guardian. Officers took the man and the snake to the police station, where the snake was put in a box, and authorities considered whether the “non-species-appropriate transport” could be a violation of animal protection laws.
Nakedly Weird • A family of three were taken from their home and forced into a car on Nov. 7 in Leduc County, Alberta, Canada, by five naked people. The man, who was placed in the trunk, quickly escaped, and his wife and baby also managed to get away, according to The Canadian Press. A passing truck driver picked up the three victims, but then the naked kidnappers’ car rammed his truck from behind, sending it into a ditch. Royal Canadian Mounted Police caught up with the criminals; of the five, two were minors and were not charged. The adults faced charges of kidnapping and resisting arrest. The RCMP gave no explanation for why the five kidnappers were naked, but posited that drugs or alcohol may have been involved.
• Tempers flared in Minot, North Dakota, before 33-yearold Cornelius Marcel Young was charged with terrorizing after attacking his fiancee’s brother at a trailer park on Nov. 3. The Minot Daily News reported that Young yelled at the brother, punched him in the face and knocked him into a wall after he had turned up the thermostat in the trailer, according to a Minot Municipal Court affidavit. When the brother threatened to call police, Young brandished a knife, as his fiancee jumped on his back and bit his ear “to distract him.” Two children were in the trailer during the fight but were uninjured.
Ow Ow Ow! • A Chicago wiener stand was the scene of a crime gone south on Oct. 31 when Terrion Pouncy, 19, accidentally discharged his gun, which he was trying to conceal in his pants, and shot himself in a most sensitive location. The Chicago Tribune reported police were called to the Original Maxwell Street Polish at about 6 am, after a hooded man threatened employees with a small-caliber pistol. One of the employees gave him money from the cash register, according to the complaint against Pouncy, after which the robber stole the man’s cellphone and wallet, and ran outside, stuffing the gun in his pants, but it went off twice, striking his “groin” and thigh. Pouncy kept running and eventually called 911 to report that he’d been shot. He was charged with two counts of armed robbery with a firearm, but couldn’t appear for his bond hearing, as he was recovering at a local hospital.
Compelling Explanation • The Stardust Ranch in Rainbow Valley, Arizona, has a lot to offer potential buyers: Just an hour
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west of Phoenix, the property boasts a 3,500-square-foot home with a pool, 10 acres, barns, a gated entry ... and two portals to another dimension: one at the back of the property, and one in the fireplace. Owner John Edmonds and his wife bought the property, now listed at $5 million, 20 years ago to run a horse rescue, but he says he’s killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on the property (using a samurai sword) and has suffered many injuries in his encounters with them. Edmonds told KPNX TV in October that aliens tried to abduct his wife: “They actually levitated her out of the bed in the master chamber and carried her into the parking lot and tried to draw her up into the craft.” (She won’t enter the room anymore.) Listing agent Kimberly Gero notes: “This isn’t the type of property that you can just place in the MLS and wait for a buyer to come along.”
Who Knew? • Poland has one of the lowest birth rates in Europe, so the Polish Health Ministry is using the example of rabbits to encourage its citizens to multiply. The ministry produced a short video with a rabbit “narrator” who explains that members of the Leporidae family enjoy exercise, a healthy diet and little stress. “If you ever want to be a parent, follow the example of rabbits,” the video suggests. The ministry said in a statement to the Associated Press in early November that it was looking for a way to increase public awareness about the low birth rate that “did not offend anyone and was not vulgar.” Copyright 2017 Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut, Kansas City MO 64106; 800-255-6734
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December 2017
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At the Crown & Anchor, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!” A bitter older woman overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Cone in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.
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December 2017
We Didn’t Know
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By Jann Gargiulo
Q: Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? A: Because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket! Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missile toe! Q: Where do hampsters come from? A: Hampsterdam! Q: Why is the time in the USA behind that of England? A: Because England was discovered before the USA! Q: What is the most slippery country in the world? A: Greece! Q: What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas? A: A ladder in her stocking! Q: Who was the best actor in the Bible? A: Samson, he brought the house down! Q: Why doesn’t the sea spill over the earth? A: Because it’s tied!
We were 12, not in years but in number of siblings. In winter, we also had lots of cousins with us. As kids we all loved that. My parents loved kids, and always seemed to be happy. That made us happy too. My mom used to say, “After the first two it all gets easier.”
We grew up on a truck farm. No, we didn’t raise trucks! We grew our own vegetables and sold them alongside the road. We grew up on a truck farm. No, we didn’t raise trucks! We grew our own vegetables and sold them alongside the road. We lived between the Chesapeake Bay and Washington, D.C. and would have our truck stand out right off the road so that people could stop to buy food for the day on their way to the beach. Later in the day, they almost always wanted something on the way home. We learned our 12’s times table and how to make proper change very early in life. I loved seeing those people who stopped. They always seemed different from us, though I didn’t know why. They would talk to my dad about all the same things the other farmers talked about, but something was different. Even as a child, I could sense that. It wasn’t until I was about 10 years old that I learned what that difference was. We were poor. We just didn’t know it. I remember kids coming back to school after the Christmas holidays to write a report on
“What I got for Christmas.” They only named “things.” I didn’t know about those “things.” Our gifts consisted of underwear and socks. Sometimes we were happy to get some pajamas … not me, of course. I was the tenth child, third from the youngest, so I wore hand-me-downs. Daddy would buy us those little bat’n ball paddles as a gift. (Of course, there was an ulterior motive for that: he used it on our bottoms when we got out of hand.) We also got jacks and marbles, jump ropes, little toy cars, things like that. We liked them, since we didn’t get them any other time of year. But what we really liked was the happiness we enjoyed as a family, and what fun it was to be in the church Christmas program. So that’s what I wrote about each year. I even wrote about this wonderful box of candy all
January 2014
JOKES
SUBMITTED
the kids at church got after the service. It was great! I sure didn’t feel poor then! I thought we were a rich family. We were all happy. None of the kids from school looked very happy when they got back to school and read their reports. Now, when I look at the Christmas tree in our home with ornaments that all have stories behind them, I think back to those “poor” Christmases when I was a kid. And I can’t help but feel the love and happiness that enveloped me and my family back then, and I try to share some of that with my adult family. I also realize now that the reason we didn’t know we were poor back then was because we weren’t. We had everything! At least everything that counted. And that is my wish for each of you this year when I say, “Merry Christmas!”
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky. “You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly. “Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?” “Two.” It’s good to see clearly as you run out the door.
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December 2017
Stacy talks to comics
www.foolishtimes.net On the Eleventh Day of Christmas...
Meet Doctor Gonzo
By Stacy Lininger Stacy: How did you earn the name Doctor Gonzo? Gonzo: College. Drake University in 1975. My roommate thought he was Hunter S. Thompson and he started calling me Dr. Gonzo. It stuck. Stacy: Is “laughter the best medicine?” If so, how can we get insurance to cover it? Gonzo: Just go to a comedy club. Insurance companies are overrated. When I taught school, I made the students laugh. They learned more and retained more because they enjoyed learning. Stacy: Is America overmedicated? Gonzo: Hell yes, diet can control how you feel. Eat well and laugh more. Stacy: I didn’t know you taught school. What class? Gonzo: 2000 – 2003 English instructor at Lincoln Junior College. Still sub at the high school in Mason City, IL on occasion. Stacy: Wow, your given name is John Means and you teach children what words mean. Gonzo: They know me as mean John Means. Stacy: But you’re not. So they learned humor from you too. Is humor infectious? Gonzo: Sure…bring a smile into a group of people and see what happens.
Stacy: You have always been such a decent guy, what is your take on this whole Louis CK exposé? Did you know him? Gonzo: There are a lot of comics who abuse their power or influence. I believe any victim should speak up immediately when confronted by an asshole. Louis needs help. Luckily I got slapped in college for being too forward with a classmate and we talked about what I had done and I’ve been aware of my behavior ever since. I’ve observed asshole behavior and try to act so others don’t have to deal with it. One thing is for sure…most assholes are predictable. Hosted a comedy competition he was in years ago. Thought he was very funny. Stacy: Were you surprised at the accusations? Gonzo: Not surprised. There will be others. Let’s discuss other things please. Stacy: What do you attribute the recent barrage of mass murders to? Gonzo: Seriously? The patients are running the asylum. Stacy: Over medication? Police corruption? Under education? Bureaucracy? All of the above? Gonzo: Government. NRA, Big Pharma, social media. Stacy: You have a new art page on Facebook called “Project Art.” What is your goal with it? Gonzo: My wife and I are artistic and wanted to do something with our restaurant space. We live upstairs downtown and are adding video gaming in the space.
It will help with expenses and allow us the freedom to have classes and paint nights. I’ve painted murals for years, thus the name Project Art. I own a projector. Stacy: So you sing, play guitar, tell jokes, write, teach and paint. Do you have a bucket list? Gonzo: Living it. Been everywhere, done everything, now sharing with my community. Like jamming with friends musically and need to do more of that. Love going to the Bay Area and joking with pals. Stacy: Are you okay with me listing you as my doctor on record? Gonzo: Is this a come on. Stacy: You had my come on years ago and did not succumb. I have never gotten over it. Do you have any upcoming Bay Area appearances?
Gonzo: December 30, Trek Winery, Novato, CA. December 31, San Leandro Performing Arts Hall. January 2, Throckmorton Theater in Mill Valley. Stacy: Thanks for a great interview. You are like Bowie/ Petty COOL. Gonzo: They’re dead. Thanks.
How does a snowman get around? He rides an icicle!
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My life, in a word, is unremarkable. Walls don’t smile when I enter a room. Angels don’t sing “Ooo-aahhh!” at the mention of my name. Hordes of lovesmitten followers aren’t spilling into an amphitheater, chanting my praises, or clicking “LIKE” on Facebook. Apparently, the stuff I post online is even less amazing than I am. Almost daily, we hear of some YouTube video that’s “gone viral.” Please tell me how a homemade clip lasting a few seconds can receive a million views in ONE DAY??? I mean, really! Like, some guy in Scrotum, Nebraska teaches his dog to sing the Star Bangled Banner, and viewers around the
world go nuts. Meanwhile, I’ve had a handful of music videos nesting on YouTube for years which, despite the time, energy and creative passion I poured into them, haven’t generated so much as a sniffle, much less a contagion. Seems my labors of love and artistry have made little impression on YouTubers. Not even my small contingent of Facebook “friends” have shown much interest in checking them out. The literary marketplace hasn’t been any kinder. I’ve got three published books on Amazon that have sat idle for so long, they’ve started growing hair. My wife tells me readers simply don’t
December is a month filled with an assortment of eclectic trivia. Answers on pg 24
Turquoise Sagittarius Narcissus Nobel Prize Christmas Pearl Harbor Louisiana Purchase Kwanzaa Chocolate Bowling Poinsettia Wright Brothers Bill Rights
appreciate my style of writing, my wit, my tortured intellect, my jene-sais-whatever. To which I reply, “How do readers know WHAT my books are like if they don’t buy them?” Granted, I’m different, decidedly quirky. Not everyone lives in my galaxy. And if they did, I’d have to find another one to live and write about.
Not everyone lives in my galaxy. And if they did, I’d have to find another one to live and write about. Obscurity notwithstanding, I honestly believe my material is solid, even if only a handful of folks appreciate it. Unfortunately, I suck at promotion, always have. Which could explain why most readers and/or YouTubers don’t know Ted Gargiulo from the crack their sitting on. What, then, must a talented nonentity like me do in this over-the-top, in-yourface culture to grab the public’s attention? If I dove off the Eiffel Tower into a glass of water, would people be more inclined to pick up a copy of my short stories? Not
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bloody likely. Besides, that stunt’s probably been done already. So much for my super achievements, or my lack thereof. No matter, I’d rather believe that the true measure of a man’s character is more than the number of “HITS” or “LIKES” he receives on social media. “For who has despised the day of small things?” (Zechariah 4:10) I consider myself blessed in knowing there are no paparazzi invading my privacy. No fans pestering me for autographs. No one turning blue waiting to see what I create next. No six-figure publishing contracts for material I can’t come up with. No news organizations (not even fake ones) soliciting interviews. No angry mobs with torches tearing through the streets, demanding my resignation—or execution. I may just have to settle for being a sweet, all-around nice guy, albeit an unremarkable one— neither exceptionally wonderful nor exceptionally awful. Is a simple, stress free, non-viral existence so terribly grievous? Is having but one adoring fan in my life (my spouse) not sufficient? Call me quirky, but in my diminutive galaxy, contentment and personal affirmation far outweigh the gazillions of fickle Earthlings who don’t know I’m alive. Now THAT’S a virus worth catching!
What song is it from? “Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say...” Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
By Ted Gargiulo
Going Viral
December 2017
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December 2017
Foolish Sudoku
Answers from page 10
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Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it means?” “Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. In her hand rested a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”
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December 16-17
Mamma Mia
What would you say about a young bride who wants her father to walk her down the aisle but doesn’t know who her father is so she narrows it down to three men who all show up at her wedding? Mama Mia! www.pacrep.org
Through Dec 31
MOM
Free admission at both locations. Featuring some of the most amazing exhibitions it has ever brought to the area. museumofmonterey.org
Salinas Valley Comic Con
December 2
Cowboy Poetry & Music Fest
Everything from music to storytelling and poetry. Great chance to pick up cowboy art and gear. Ned LeDoux headlines. www.montereycowboy.org
December 2-10
Monterey Bay Aquarium
FREE! What a gift. Just show proof that you live locally and you’re in. montereybayaquarium.org
December 3 December 1
Colton Hall
A local tradition full of the four “C”s: Carols, Candles, Cookies and Cider. And a really big tree. www.oldmonterey.org
Boat Parade
A sea of lights brighten up the coastline with decorated boats. www.montereywharf.com
December 6-7
December 8-9
Christmas in the Adobes
Historic adobes beautifully decorated with welcoming, candle-lit luminarias at each entrance! Enjoy festive music and living history portrayers. www.mshpa.org
December 9
Christmas on Main Street
Christmas on the Wharf
Weekend festivities featuring entertainment, holiday lights, free treats, and Santa. www.montereywharf.com
A recreation of Bethlehem with a truly immersive experience. streetsofbethlehem.com
December 25
Merry Christmas
Grammy award winner John Wineglass heads a 30-piece orchestra with songs performed by contestants from American Idol and The Voice. compasschurchmc.com
December 15
Comedy Open Mic
Unpredictable Holiday laughs. pinkflamingotheater.org
Streets of Bethlehem December 1-17
Comic creators, tech demos, gaming, cosplay, workshops, crafts, authors, teachers, artists, and publishers. www.steinbeck.org
December 15-17
Spector Dance
Two original works that celebrate the spirit of giving, togetherness, magic, and wonder. www.spectordance.org
December 31
First Night Monterey
Countdown to 2018. Family friendly performances, dance and artwork. In downtown Monterey www.firstnightmonterey.org
December 2017
www.foolishtimes.net
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
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December
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
TWO HOURS FREE PARKING Downtown in the West Garage 3
4
Pick up Holiday Treats
Gingerbread House
Extravaganza (Kid Friendly)
9:30 AM
MYMuseum.org
Brighten the Harbor Lighted Boat Parade 5:30 PM mpyc.org
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TubaChristmas Monterey 1 PM
at Monterey Conference Center Facebook.com/ TubaChristmasMonterey
5
Farmers Market & Holiday Faire 4-7 PM
Hanukkah
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Farmers Market & Holiday Faire
7
Come downtown and see a movie at the
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5 PM
Only one week left to shop!
5 - 6 PM FREE OldMonterey.org
9 Merry Carolers Victorian Singers stroll through the downtown each Saturday
MIIS Winter Commencement miis.edu
34th Annual Christmas in the Adobes December 8 - 9 mshpa.org
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MIIS Winter Commencement miis.edu
Call (831) 649-7118 for a map!
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Last 2017 4-7 PM
GoldenStateTheatre.com
Enjoy a FREE self-guided tour of Historic Old Monterey
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Farmers Market & Holiday Faire
19th Annual Monterey Cowboy Poetry & Music Festival 7:30 PM
Take a break in Old Monterey
GoldenStateTheatre.com
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Santa’s Live Reindeer Noon - 4 PM FREE OldMonterey.org
From Coffee-to-Cocktails:
A Holiday show with PINK MARTINI (ft. China Forbes) 8 PM
at Portola Hotel and Spa Lobby
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Winter Begins
Don’t forget to buy your First Night Buttons!
Enjoy lunch downtown with a member of the military home for the holidays!
FirstNightMonterey.org
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Christmas Eve
25 Noon Year’s Eve
MYMuseum.org
First Night Monterey
FirstNightMonterey.org
Merry Christmas!
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Happy Kwanzaa!
NO Farmers Market
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Saturday
2
Christmas Tree Lighting on Colton Hall Lawn
8
4-7 PM
Tree of Life Ceremony Monterey
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MYMuseum.org
1
OsioTheater.com
Begins Tomorrow
HospiceGiving.org
Friday
(Ages 21+) 7:30 PM
6
at Downtown Bakeries
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Thursday
November 30 Gingerbread House Extravaganza
MontereyWharf.com
November 24 - December 26
2017
Downtown Post Monterey me on Holiday your fridge! Events
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Visit us online!
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OldMonterey.org for more information and our
Downtown Dining Guide